CheapShow - Ep 227: Action Jam News

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

It's an episode of "firsts" this week. It's the first time you get to properly meet Margery Craddock and her "back alley machines", and it's the first time Paul tries to create a segment that directly competes with The Sauce Report. Both don't go very well. At all. Despite all this, there is still plenty of time for some CheapShow favourites. There is a sitcom flavoured Tales from the Shop Floor and a Price of Shite that's packed with random nonsense and P'twings. Will Eli be able to work his mouth? Will Paul lose his mind over his latest "extreme sports" creation? What does the shocking secret recording of Mr Biffo say? You'll find out this week! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-227-action-jam-news And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Me ma mo ma, pee pee pee, pa, pa, pa, mo, mo, mo, blub, blub, blub. Shut up! Just shut up, I'm doing my voice mouth exercises. No, now you're pretending. I'm doing my mouth exercises. Can you hear the pretense in his silly actor's voice, everybody? Ba ba ba bo, ba ba, fifth, fifth. You're not going to make me noise, make me laugh with any...

I'm starting again. Hip, hip, hip. A fricky ticky ta-ta. No, you can't join in now. You can't join in. A picky pocky pa-pa, fricky ticky ta-ta. They are not. Looby looby.

They are not regulation mouth sounds for warm up. Magooble. Magooble-sha. Right, I'm warmed up now. Let's crack on with the show. Hey, do you know, I was reading a book the other day. Wow. That's a big step for you.

Anyway, just before we get started with the show proper. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Cheap Show, blah, blah, blah. No, no news. No news. No, no news. No, no news. No is a well that keep on giveth.

It's not really news, really. This book's been outrageous. He's like a hairy well. Yeah, he's a big kind of fleshy, hairy well that sinks into the ground. Imagine. With pupils. Not pupils. Buboles.

Well, his eyes do have bu-bowls. Bu-bowls. What's the word for the... Montgomery Boo-bowl. Montgomery Boo-bowls. He's my new character. No, no, no. I'm Montgomery Boo-bowls.

Now, listen. I just had a thought, Paul. Montgomery Blue-bowls. He goes, Oh, God. Well, maybe he can come back. Okay, I'm not poo-poo. Montgomery Blue Balls. Oh, God. Well, maybe he can come back. Okay, I'm not poo-pooing Montgomery Blue Balls. I'm Montgomery Blue Balls.

Go and put your blue balls on ice, Montgomery. All right. There you go. That's the noise of his blue balls steaming. Now, Paul. Yeah. Imagine, if you will, that you had a mansion. Yeah.

And then in the back garden, you'd built this strange folly on a wellhead that was the shape of Noel's head. And you could probably walk around in his wig, sort of up there. Some Toporeri-style... Not Toporeri. I'm talking about architectural, you know, real. This has been built. Painted, plastered.

Like a wicker man. Like a wicker Noel. Yeah. I think we've done the wicker gnoll gag. Have we? Yeah. It's like, do we do wicker blobby or something like that? No, you said wicker bungle.

Yeah, I do wicker man gags for everything nice from the past. A fricky ticky ta ta. Anyway, we're going to say hello properly. Hello, I'm Eli Silverman. Hello. And that's Paul Gannon. And now it's time for gnoll news. Oh, it's gnoll news.

So I was reading the John Ronson book, Lost at Sea or Something, loads of small articles. And I forgot there was a whole chapter about deal or no deal and how he hung around with the people on deal or no deal for a while and spoke to Null. And Null is talking about the cosmic thing, asking the cosmos for stuff and you'll get it. And he goes, I asked the cosmos for a woman and the cosmos delivered. And John Ronson was like hmm was that the one that ended up going to the papers about your personal life and he went yeah all right well trustworthy i should have added on that list as well so here's the clip cosmos it's like cosmos dating yeah dot com yeah you know what i mean that's where he got her he asked the cosmos you

know cosmos dot sparf yeah yeah so she wrote wrote in the Sunday People in 2006 this little lovely description of the sensitive... I feel like I'm in Noel's bedroom. Sensitive Noel. Under the sheets. He was a very tender and lovely kisser. Oh. When I woke up with him the following morning, I felt completely at ease. His first words were, Cup of tea, darling?

He was a very giving man in all aspects and satisfied me in every way. Noel has his own special song for us. It was You're Beautiful by James Blunt. But once he was back at the top, he didn't need me anymore. I felt he just discarded me. He was a hypocrite who used me to make himself feel more positive about himself. That's Marjan Simmons. Wow.

Oh, that brought me so much joy. I just wanted to share it. Oh, what do you think he's like in bed? That sounds like a scene from Alan Partridge. An Alan Partridge scene, doesn't it? I know. That's the thing, though. It's so, I don't know,

it's so typical of what you think that kind of celebrity would be like. And you see so many of these autobiographies. Anyway, hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show Go J! People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap show. Chief Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Chief Show. And I go and I nuzzle.

I must apologise. Why? I'm all bunged up. So if you hear me going... So wait, you're telling the audience to listen out for how you always sound every episode. Welcome to Cheap Show. This is the Economy Comedy Podcast. No, you've already put me off.

Oh, is it? Now you do it. It's the Economy Comedy. I can say that. I can say that stuff. We've been through this. We've had this rodeo before. I've been on this rodeo before.

Yeah. And I'm the monkey that is stapled in. You never last two seconds. I'm a monkey stapled to a pig at a rodeo. That's a brilliant metaphor. It's more like, actually, you know what? It's a metaphor for our relationship. Just reverse it.

I'm the monkey attached, stapled to you, little piggy boy. All right, fine. Riding you. Welcome to Cheap Show. It's where we go through the bargain bins, basements, and other places. Basements? Do you make it sound like we just break into houses? We go into gimp dungeons, basements, sex game emporia, and also other sleazy places.

Orgy throne rooms. Ooh. Sounds good, though, doesn't it? An orgy throne room. Staple my throngage down. Hello, I am Orgy throne rooms. Ooh. Sounds good, though, doesn't it? An orgy throne room. Staple my throngage down. Hello, I am orgy throne room. Oh, no, no, no. Come on.

Come on. That has to be... That's not... That doesn't sound like a name of anyone. It sounds like what it is. Orgy throne room. Yeah, it's like a part of an orgy. No, it's my new band.

They're glam. Orgy throne room. Oi. Orgy throne room Yeah it's like a part of an orgy No it's my new band The Glam Orgy throne room Oi Orgy woo Right anyway Paul what's coming up on the show today On the show today

we have a we haven't done it in a while so we'll do a lovely Tales from the shop floor we've got a good one in the top back middle pocket Off the pocket

off the cushion into the pocket This show is not becoming big break we've got one in our pocket is what you're saying then we have a uh literally coming out the door to come to our hot secret studio to record this uh a box came and it was full of stuff to do a price of shite with so i thought i'll have that it's another little bespoke price of shite and we'll be playing what will we be playing for today, Paul? We will be playing for...

Petwings, that's right. I was trying to think of my catchphrase. That is the catchphrase. What do you play for? You play for Petwings. It's a fucking shit one. Well, at least it is one. No, we need a better one.

Well, think of it. Now, now, now. Prick a prick a pronter. You'll feel the sting if you don't get a Petwing. Ooh. How about that? I like it. Now, you'll feel the sting if you don't get a per-twing. How about that? I like it. You'll feel the sting if you don't get a per-twing.

Good. All right. That will be coming up later. What else? Live from the Cheap Show studio, it's Paul Gannon with the Action Jam News. What? Action Jam. It's the 6annon with the Action Jam News. What? Action Jam. It's the six o'clock Action Jam News. Jam as in what?

As I talk about jams. It's my new segment. As in what? It's everyone's bored of the source report. So I'm giving it a 21st century spin by going in with the Action Jam Report. No. Imagine in the background, there's a little man on a piano

just doing this the whole time. As I'm talking. He looks nervous, this man. Where do sources stand in the Jam Report? We're moving on from sources. What do you mean moving on? Sources was 2020, my friend. What's the bigger category?

2021. What's the bigger category? Jam. Bullshit. I call bullshit. I've seen it. Let's look at the empirical category? 2021. What's the bigger category? Jam. Bullshit. I call bullshit. Let's look at the empirical fucking evidence here. I'm not going to sit here and let you just come in waving your jam around saying this is the jam news or whatever some shit. Action jam report. the forum of source reporting, the noble tradition

that this podcast has of source reporting and dragging it through the gutter with your guttural jams, your vulgar jams. Shut up, you boring elf. We have to talk about this off fucking off mic,

but I tell you something right now. It's my show. It's a subsection. The jam report's fine. We can have jam news news it's replacing the source report for the hot new young generation who are into jams jam is a subsection of source action jam report with paul gannon from the action jam studios hello i'm paul gannon and we've got some hot jam news coming in today we're starting with this. It was made for me, for being a good friend, and it is.

I'm excited to try this out because it's handmade. It's called Mango Marmalade, and I'm going to be trying it right now in the hot Action Jam Report. Can I try some? It's got mango in, lemon, honey, and cinnamon.

I'm not allergic to any of those ingredients. Dun, dun, dun. Oh, God. The fucking... His face did not lie. I got the mask of the Huff Report, man. The mask of death Huff Report. Oh, I don't like the look of it.

What does that look like to you? I might have left it a bit long in the fridge. It looks like baby food. Yeah, it does. I might have left it a bit long in the fridge. It looks like baby food. Yeah, it does. I might have left it too long in the fridge. It looks like baby food with a piece of chicken. A swamp top.

It's got a swampy top. No, I'm all bunged up, like I say. Sorry about that, everyone. I don't think I can get any... Sniff through. I'm really... It pierces no it's sour

it's gone off that it's the action jam report this jam's gone off sorry whoever that is I'm going to try a bit have a sip of coffee or something

has it gone off what did you say what did you get Paul, have a sip of coffee or something. Has it gone off? What would you say? What did you get in it? It was just very tart. It's very tart. Have a bit. Have a bit. Have a bit.

He's putting his maw in. It's got skin formed on it. Break the skin. No, that's a bit of... It's what the kids want. Did you just get some water? No, I got a bit of... It's what the kids want. Did you just get some water? No, I got a bit of a jelly bit on. I don't know what that's meant to be.

Right, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know what I'm going to do with that. Action Jam Report. And the report is bad. Source Report will be back next week. It was a disaster, Paul. That was thrilling. The kids will love it.

It's the new hot 21st century report, Action Jam News, and it will be here every week on Jeep Show. Disgusting, man. Paul, before we go ahead with the rest of the show. Of course, yeah, before we do anything. There is someone here. You did make a sort of promise that you'd look at... No, no, I did agree that I would give him

more of a chance this week. So, okay, bring her on. Marjorie? Yes? Marjorie, come down, it's fine. You're going to go on the tour? Yes, Paul's going to go on the tour with Marjorie, Paul. Yes, no, I've been looking forward to the tour.

Just for those who don't remember you Margaret she's called Marjorie she's not here she's walking across okay well then you tell me more about her before she gets here Marjorie Craddock

Marjorie Craddock she's just going to take you down back alley well it's not her back alley she has an emporia and also she doesn't

like the dirty stuff what do you mean in terms of bad language she's an old school lady well she's an old school lady, so if you want to...

Okay, get on her good side. Just keep it to a minimum, Paul. Keep it clean. Okay, because she can... All right, no, okay, fair enough. All right. Yeah. Here she is.

Hi, Marjorie, just here, just here. Oh, hello. Are you Paul? I am indeed. Thank you for joining us on the show. I'm Marjorie Craddock. No wonderful stuff. Now, you...

Mr. Eli here said to me, you would come and look at my machines with me. Come with me. So before we go anywhere, what are your credentials? How did you get a backdoor emporium or something? Oh, well, you're asking there, young man, Jimmy Jim. Are you called Jim? Sorry, I forgot.

At one point, the event horizon of all Eli's characters will arrive. And you won't know which character he's doing anymore. I'm sure. Because I'm pretty sure she never said Jimmy Jim before today, so... Well, it's just something I say when I'm familiar with people. Right, okay. Oh, so, Paul, you were asking, what is my backstory? Is that what you're saying?

Basically. How I came upon the Emporium? Yes. Well, as a young lady, I liked little trinkets, music boxes, wind-up dolls, and the such like. Like Tim on Grand Illusions. Well, I've actually had an extensive affair with Tim, the toy man. Has he given you the beans? He's delivered beans via very novelty penis.

By very novelty penis? So are you a bad Chinese translation of your own thoughts? He has... He has lots of stunt penises. Let's put it that way. I didn't think this would come up so early. Me and Tim, we go way, way back. Does he drop his trowel and say,

what a lovely little thing? It's a lovely little thing. And then puts it close up towards your face. Anyhow, I went to university afterwards, so I just happened to inherit a cafe. Okay, a little cafe. In near London's Piccadilly Circus.

Oh, nice. And I just started from there, really, yes. So, you're going to come and look at the Emporium. Yes, okay, we'll go. Here we go. Here we go, down here.

I'm walking here, Dan. And don't mind him behind you. No, okay. That's Munro. He's my helper. He's my handyman. He's my left- Munro. He's my helper. He's my handyman. He's my left-hand man. He's my right-hand man.

He's the man for me. Munro, my helper. My name's Munro. That's all he says. Right, good. Now, if you come down, down around this back passage here. My name's Munro. Now, it's through here near the entrance to Melton Pelbree.

My name's Munro. Yes, Munro, we know. My name's Munro. Now, it's through here, near the entrance to Melton, Pelbury. My name's Munro. Yes, Munro, we know. My name's Munro. Yes, you like that thing off the movies. Like Groot. Like Groot. Anyway, here we are, Pelton, Melbury Arcade. Have you come this way, Paul?

Oh, yeah, lovely. Oh, it's nice. And here it is, the secret entrance to Marjorie Craddock's Emporia of Machines. Now, what floor do you want to start on? It's just a tent. No, no, no. You just put a tent in the back, in the alley. No, no, no. It's just a tent.

It looks like a tent to you. Yeah, because it's a tent. Jimmy. How many floors has a tent got? Not one. How, where, which, where do you want to start? What floor would you like? What special type of machine? What special type of machine?

Name a type of machine. They're all here. Do you have a machine that washes dishes? Ooh. Okay. Floor two. It's deep underground floor two. We're just standing next to a tent.

Here we are. The floor of washing machines. Oh, look. There's a washing machine. It's like a massive hand on a kind of pulley system with a rag. That's a very old one. And it's moving, circular, and the plates are drawn up on a pulley. You have a Zanussi here.

No, there's a modern Zanussi. And a Hotpoint. A Hotpoint. A Hotpoint one. Yeah. Oh, very nice. And a Tandy. I don't know why you ask, because I haven't...

Any machine you can imagine. I'll tell you what, I'll show you. Okay. Here we go, and go to floor seven the special machines this is this has been five minutes shut up just saying off we go here we are just so you know we are still standing by a tent floor seven oh here i can't see anything i think you'll like this machine yeah it's useless utterly useless but it's a machine that will build any other machine.

So what? You just put the component parts in it and it... Oh, no, you don't have to put anything in it. It just does it. So it's magic. It's stupid, isn't it? No, it's the best technological thing ever made. No, it's stupid.

What, do you want another machine? If I wanted another machine of any description at all, I'd just go and have it. Get it, wouldn't I? Yeah, but it makes it. It's redundant. You'd never have to buy anything again because this machine makes the machines you want.

It's redundant. It could build anything at all. No, it's an amazing machine. Well, let's see if it works, shall we? I'll get the dust off. It's a universal machine. Is it important to do dog impressions when you're cleaning things?

No, I'm just... Listen, I have emphysema. Great. Muzzle-toff. What do you want me to say? Monroe! I am Monroe. Could I have my inhalsema. Great. Muzzled off. What do you want me to say? Monroe! I am Monroe. Could I have my inhaler, please?

I am Monroe. Thank you. Oh, what would I do without Monroe? Now, that's the machine that builds anything at all. Well, next to it, look at this. This is a very unusual old automaton that I picked up back in the 60s. Yeah? The Inch Man.

I still don't understand why you don't... Why don't you appreciate the fact that this machine makes machines. The universal machine. Yeah, the universal recursive machine machine. What could I do,

use it for? Make anything. Hello machine, I'm going to try it now. Hello machine, make me a machine. No, I have to program it in. It doesn't just respond.

It's a very old machine. It doesn't respond to that. It responds to spells. Now you tell me what you ask and I'll say the spell. This is witchcraft, then. No, I'll say the spell at the back of the machine. Right, okay.

I want a machine that makes playing cards. Here it goes. The machine's working. Right, good. There you go. It's quite small, isn't it? Yeah, no, it's good, but it does it. I'm just going to turn it goes. The machine's working. Right, good. There you go. It's quite small, isn't it? Yeah, no, it's good, but it does it. I'm just going to turn it on.

It's making... It's good, that. Oh, look, it's made a 50... Yeah, it's made a whole pack of cards. Nice. It's a universal machine. It does anything. But the thing is...

Yes. The reason I say it's useless, Paul, is because in my emporium of machines, there's every conceivable machine you could have ever imagined so you know i don't really need one that would make any of them because i've got them all here on the several million floors of the emporia now i just wanted to show you this one quickly and then we'll forego the third one you can get back to the podcast okay hey listen i think eli's beginning to break i I can see the panic. Let's see how this goes.

Here we go. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. Come on, Marjorie, whatever your name is. Now, this is an interesting one because I've been listening to the podcast. I don't like the swearing but, you know, there's some interesting things about... I'm sorry about the swearing. Sometimes you talk about machines. Once or

twice. I like the winky machine. Yes, well, that's in the other dimension now. I've got several of them, obviously. Yeah? Yes. Downstairs in the Winky floor. This machine, however... He's going. This machine is the Inchman.

Oh, that sounds familiar. He's a funny encased in there, and you just, all he does is he gives you inches. You ask for inches on these buttons. What, do they plop out? Inches plop out of him or something? No, no, he just says it. Do you want to give it a go? No. I'll do it then.

Hey, Marjorie. Yes, to Paul. Fat cocks. Oh! Have you got a machine that makes big fat throbbing cocks? I don't like the tone of your language, young man. Do you have a cock machine? Munro. Oh, is that what you mean by the inch man?

Is that your little sex toll? Just saying, Margaret Marjorie. No, I'll have Munro kick you out. I'm just going to get some inches from the inch man machine. What's your name? Margaret Crumbleflaps or something? No, it's not. It's Patrick.

I'm going to call you Marjorie Crumbleflaps from now on. Well, you can call me whatever you like from outside of the Emporia when Monroe kicks your arse out. This is all shit in here. I'm going. Right, I'll just... Oh, fine, you go. I'll just see. I just want to see the inch man work. I'm off. This is bullshit. Oh, five inches. There he goes.

How pathetic are you to keep working inch man into the floor of Cheap Show week in, week out? Oh, we did too many. Anyway, is that young man gone? What a dirty, dirty young man. Ten minutes. Ten minutes of utter shit that I'm going to have to sit through when editing.

Thanks for that. It was all gold, Paul. No. It flowed. That was not a box of Terry's. All gold. Oh, shut up with your coffee. What's your problem?

I don't know. Look cool, don't I? When I hold my coffee, listening to you rabble on like a demented donkey well if we need machines she's your she's your lady now it's all shit in there it's all crap it was not it looked like bollocks i didn't don't know because i've been back at the pod just having a cup of coffee i know so you don't know how shit it was mate it was shit in there i don't believe you because she has a machine that makes machines and she doesn't understand the importance of that you know she's old school and yet she was desperate to show me

a fucking 12-inch cock on the wall that she called the Inj Man. She said, oh, it's a machine. No, love, it's a dildo. Get over it. That doesn't sound correct. It does. I think that's what it was.

I think that's how I'm retconning that so you never touch the idea of Inj Man again. Bloody hell, Paul. Right, it's now time for Tales from the Shop Floor. Shop Floor, Shop Floor, Shop Floor. Shop floor, shop floor, shop floor. And that is the segment of Cheap Show where you, the listeners, write in with your amusing stories about working in shops. Yes.

Is that right? That is correct. You said it. I was so used to you going off on a mad tangent that I just... I never go off on mad tangents. I just... Or mad tangents. Mad tangents.

All right, are we going to have a pronounce off? You said man tangents. Are we having a pronunciation off? No, you said mad. Pricky, pricky, pronty. No, we're not doing that. I'll agree that nub nubs ahoy is worth keeping. Nub nubs ahoy.

But if he sees in the street, don't say it. Right. So here it is. It is from, can we say the name? I want to make sure. Say the name. Joe sends this. Joe is from, can we say the name? I want to make sure. Say the name. Joe sends this. Joe.

Hello, Paul and Eli. Hello, Joe. Thought I'd write and tell you a story about a place I used to work at. It's a large indoor market in a dump of Kingston upon Hull. I've never been there, is it? Is that Hull? Well, no, Hull's a river. It was Hull, the bit inside that, you know,

like protrudes into the country and it's full of water. Too close to the mic, not off at an angle. I don't know why you're doing that. I don't know why you always sit at an angle.

Sit front on, yeah? Yeah, I'm here now. Right, I'm sure you know the type. Big coal buildings of various independent traders, bags and DVDs and key cutting.

Yeah, get the picture. Yeah, Birkenhead Market growing up was exactly like that. It was like that, just a sort of down market market. It was like a massive, I don't know, hall broken up

into segments with loads of stalls in. And it was indoors, but it was all just cheap clothing and sort of hardware stuff. And the fish guy and the butcher thing. Oh, there was a fish guy as well? Yeah, there was a bread place and a little cafe. Get some fish, get some bread. Used to get a nice bit of Ulster Fry, I think they called it.

It was like a kind of spam bacon thing that you get in a bath. Ulster Fry? Why have I never heard of that? I don't know. I think it's it. It was like a kind of spam. Ulster fry. It's like a kind of spam bacon thing that you get in a bath. In a tin? No, it was sliced. Ulster fry. Why have I never heard of that? I don't know. I think it's a northern thing. I think it's go by a different name. But basically,

imagine a cross between bacon and spam and it comes out in these kind of long oval kind of strips. Yeah. And you put them in a frying pan and they crisp. I think what it is, it's that you can get it in cans.

Bacon roll, they call it. Oh, maybe that's what it is, yeah. It's like rations and you slice it. This is a tangent. It's like basically a and you slice it. This is a tangent. Like basically a bacon spam fritter. Yeah. Nice.

Yeah. Soft white roll with HP sauce and butter. That sounds excellent. With a nice cup of tea. Yeah. In a polystyrene.

Yeah. Memories. It was recently refurbished, turning it from a shithole into a shithole with a fresh coat of paint. City of Culture,

2017. Hull. Yeah, so it is Hull. Some of the characters I interacted with among my fellow traders would make for a fucking amazing sitcom. There was the man selling antiques that was mostly bric-a-brac. He would sit buried behind his large mound of tat and occasionally fall asleep. I mean, that sounds like a great life, doesn't it?

Yeah. Always eating and drinking coffee from a flask. Yeah, this sounds like he's got a great life. Get packed lunch, thermos, go sell a Smurf to a child. I mean, he might go back to his house at the end of the day and it looks like a Collier's mansion. Probably does. Almost definitely, yeah.

I'd like to have a... We could do that. I hope that's how we end our days. With a shitty little market stall full of crap that we've built up over the years on this podcast. And we're just sleeping. You're smoking and I've got a flash around my neck with coffee in.

Smell a sitcom. Paul and Eli run a charity shop market stall type thing. Yeah, it'd be good, wouldn't it? With all the wacky characters who come by, like Montgomery Blue Balls. Oh, yeah. What does he do? He walks around being frustrated all the time. Like a character off. Oh, yeah. Yeah, all the great ones. What does he do, though? What does he do? He walks around being frustrated all the time,

and he'll never release it. Like a character off Benny Hill, basically. No. I'm moving on. There was a food guy selling cakes and snacks, some literally years out of date, but with the date mysteriously vanished, so who would know?

So, like, he was what? Rubbing the dates off. Yeah. Oh, God. And they're probably rubbing one out on the dates. That's not that funny. I don't know why you think that's funny.

It was just because it was market specific, man. I don't usually get anywhere near that clean. I was cleanly off on the dates. What are you talking about? Spunking on old food packets to cover the dates up. No, I said he rubs the dates off and then he rubs himself off on the dates. Because I imagined it.

Yeah, you imagined it. Next door to his store would be like a grocer's with some dates. It was absolute capital gold in the morning. Right. Me who saw the saddened expression on his face when he was four. Me who saw? The writer's saying this. Me who saw? Does that sound... Me, comma, who saw the saddened expression on his face when he was forced. Me who saw? The writer's saying this. Me who saw?

Does that sound? Me, comma, who saw the saddened expression on his face when he was forced. Come on, it does sound wrong, doesn't it? Yes. As a formulation for a sentence. Me who saw. I. I who saw.

Is that better? I saw. Why do we need the who? I know. We don't need the who, Joe. Mate, can we move on? No, but I've. Listen, this is what people come to expect from this part of the show, Paul.

With me having... A pernickety moment. A pernickety moment about the words. Eli's pernickety moment. Didn't need the who in that sentence. Right. Me who saw... Me who saw.

I'll rephrase it then so I can move on. Please. I saw the sudden expression on his face every time he was forced to throw away cakes that were literally sodden with mould. Crying over mouldy cakes. It's a bit like John Meggett. It's like, ah, there's a few more days in that. I'll nibble around the mould.

You ever do that when you're really broken, you have bread and there's a little bit of mould but you couldn't afford new bread so you just picked away at it and then toast it. I have done that, yeah. We've all done it. There's a lot of richness in this though, isn't there? I mean, I know it's pernickety

about the sentence, but there's some character there. There's a whole cornucopia of different characters, Paul. Yeah. Also, on that same topic, Paul, you know down from where I live on the corner, there's that weird old grocer that's shut? Yes. Weird old shut grocers. He just used to sit there in a

funky-ass shop with food going off, but he had like a farm, two farms. He was like a multimillionaire. So what, he was just like going there to... That's just all he knew how to do was just sell groceries in Haringey somewhere. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, kind of locked into a rigmarole. But if that's what makes you happy, you don't want to...

Routine. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Continue. There was a large soap lady and a large daughter. Now, I'm presuming they weren't made of soap. We all thought it, Paul. Every day we saw the Cthulhu-like shape of a soap monster.

See, again, with just a little bit more thought, they could have said there was a lady who sold soap who was big. Yeah. Or something like that. With a large daughter who occasionally wore short skirts and flashed her hairy muff at the customers. Hello, chubby muff flash. Now it's uptick.

Uptick in the story. I love this. There's some fucking... Why has that brought you to life? It's because it's some local detail, isn't it? It's like a little bit of... That seems real. Flashing her little chubby eye muffly.

Maybe not on purpose. Maybe she just sat down. No, she did it on purpose, little minx. You're a horrible fucking person. Right. Oh, flashing her chab chab. Hang on.

He says then, we dated for a year. Oh. He's fooling with us. Yeah, I know. If you ever shopped with, quote unquote, the DVD man,

be warned, as soon as you were gone, he rushed over to the bag lady old timid scared of everything especially technology and told her all about your spotty face or flabby arse what is this is you've lost me now joe what are you talking about i don't know what can you read that bit again i mean what's going on the dvd it's almost over no there's a he's making it up no that whole thing i loved it when she was flashing her chub hole at people

sure can we move on I don't want to focus on a lady's chub hole and then she's like I dated her reader and it's like

yeah it's not real so I think probably the whole chubbing chub flashing wasn't real there's no such thing as a chub flasher there is

here comes the chub flasher right the worst for me personally was the cobbler. He was a nasty, horrible, vindictive man, and I wished no good upon him. He was a bully, and he would just stand during quiet periods and just stare at me. He was directly opposite my stall, and he would stand motionless and look in my direction for hours at a time.

Anyway, to the point of the story, we got there. In this market, there was an old fashioned phone box. Not sure of its history, but it was old, predating the usual designs we're used to. It stood in between the men's and the women's toilet, with a bank of payphones to the left of the ladies' door. Great placement if you're

a man needing to make a call. The toilets were situated in a large, eternally empty pub. A one-kind face barmaid stood dutifully all day for the one or two people wanting a drink early. God, it's like a pub inside a... Inside the marketplace. Oh, bloody hell.

With phone boxes on the outside. Yeah, nasty. Weird. The toilets would open at 9am, but the market would open from 7, even if no traders were open that early. This meant a lot of people would rush in needing a quick poo and find themselves stuck. So they'd rush in?

I don't understand the logic of that. What opens when? Come on. So the market was open at 7 but the toilets opened at 9. So if you came in early to try for a poo

you were not physically stuck you were boned. Yeah. You were up shit creek without a pencil. You were eating the poo back up and then thinking oh I've eaten it three times

back up it's coming down again fast i feel like a shit yo-yo master it hurts my bowels hurt from the pressure that'd be a great competition wouldn't it shit yo-yo yo-yo shits see how far you could get it out and put a socket back up in again and you get judges who go oh look it's come out two inches it would be a great competition. I think that's a bit of an overstatement. Yeah, but you get guys who do tricks. You like squat, bend, flick it around and bring it back up. You'd have to eat rope.

This one's called walk the dog and he just drags it across the floor. He's loving this, everybody. So let him have his moment. The yo-yo Poo Olympics. All he's doing around the world. Around the world, yeah. Cover your mouth. Walking in the dark. Walking in the dark.

Right. Well, that made me happy. And I'm sorry if people find this kind of humor immature and vulgar and horrible but you know what that's the best i've laughed in a week i'm glad paul i'm glad right we're moving on moving on um so you may see where i'm going many times during my time there tony the work shy caretaker would limp over and tell us to come and look at the CCTV. Men and women would hobble through the bar, find the toilets

locked, and do their business behind the phone box. One woman did it in the phone box. The camera was pointed right at the toilet, so it's easy to see which one of us it was. Lots of different types of people, all united by shitting behind the treasured old relic.

The nearest actual public toilet was only less than a 10-minute walk away. They moved the phone box after the refurbishment. It now sits greeting people in the main market area, sat in a corner with a little room to get behind. Hope you like the story. Love the show. Best wishes, Joe. Oh, there's pictures. There's a picture of it. It looks like a little TARDIS. Oh, wow. That is... Oh, they took a shit in there.

They took a shit in there. That is... It's a nice looking old phone box, isn't it? It's been repainted now. Yeah, they've ruined it. They shouldn't have... I'll put the picture of these on our website. They shouldn't have repainted it.

They've ruined... I like that. I like the stained look. Yeah, but now they've... Yeah, fine. Give the place a... Maybe they had to clean it. You know, like it had you.

I was imagining carpet floor for some reason because it was in a pub, so it's slightly better. Yeah, no. Shitting on carpet is unforgivable. It's unforgivable! Isn't it? It's so hard to get out. How desperate?

I've never been that desperate for a shit in public. Do you know what I mean? When you've gone into a disused phone box and then just dropped it. I've never had to shit, like I had to do an emergency shit. I'm proud of that. Yeah. I'm sure the day may well be approaching.

I mean, you have shat yourself twice. What do you mean twice? In public? You do when you're out and about and that one where you vomited so hard you shat your pants. That old story. It wasn't in public. It was outside. It was two minutes from home. So it's still outside. It was still... Is this talking

about when I've shat myself now? It's our new segment. Oh, the Eli ass action news. No, that was a very nice letter. Different from what we usually get because it was sort of all a bit of sort of Alan Bennett

sort of the people of the market sort of thing. What part of the world was it? Did you notice? Well, Kingston upon Hull. Oh, Hull, of course. You're right. It would have been an Alan Bennett thing to do that old routine again. It's like, of the market sort of thing. What part of the world was it? Did you notice? Well, Kingston upon Hull. Oh, Hull, of course. Yeah.

You're right. It would have been an Alan Bennett thing to do that old routine again. It's like, oh, there she is. There's Amanda squatting in the old phone box. Don't start this. You can see she's trying to cover her expression on her face, but we all know what she's doing.

She's got that face of a cat with a claw court. Oh, you're never going to get that smell out. She's been at the Indian recently. Oh, she won't stop eating the korma. Oh, now, come on. Alan. Beg your pardon, I'm going to have a Garibaldi. Off you go.

And that was this week's Tales from the Shop Floor. Thank you. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. We're doing The Price of Shite now, and Eli's put his shades on because... So you can't read me, dude. So I can't read him. Now, I literally have not looked into this. It's all about the betwings.

I'm all about the betwings. I opened this box. It was from the PO box, but this I just grabbed on the way out, opened it, threw it all into a bag. It's right here. I don't know what the contents are. I don't know what this letter says. Are you ready?

This is wrong. The wrong way around. You can now do the theme. It doesn't feel wrong. Do it. Do the theme. Do the theme. Okay. Do the theme. No. Yeah, that's the beginning of the theme It doesn't feel wrong Do it Do the theme Do the theme Okay

Do the theme No Yeah That's the beginning of the theme It's not Whatever that is Sounds like a little mouse's hair dryer It doesn't matter what it sounds like Paul

It sounds like what it sounds like Do you want me to do the theme or not? You just said you did No I said don't That's the thing I don't want you to I know you don't But I want it now

Alright well then go on It's a funky fancy chain It's a funky fancy chain It's a funky fancy chain I know you don't, but I want it now. All right, well then, go on. It's a fucking piece of shade. It's a fucking piece of shade. It's a fucking piece of shade. Oh, it's a fucking piece of shade. And that's crap. I'm not accepting that.

I'm going to do one now. Yeah, but I have to say, and that's right. And that's right. If you're going to do that, then I'm not going to do anything. And I won't. It's a fucking piece of shit. Now when you've got the shades on doing this, it's just creepy. Hey, Paul. Don't like it.

It's a piece of shit, Paul. It's a fucking piece of shit. I was going to do a nice kind of swing one and a bit of acapella. All right, do it. I'm not going to do it now. Fine, fine. I'm going to move on. I'm just going to move on.

No, no, no. It's a fucking piece of shit. It's a fucking piece of shit. It's a fucking piece of shit. It's a fucking piece of shit. That's right. Thank you. See, I came fucking bunch of shade. It's a fucking bunch of shade. It's just rude. Thank you. See, I came down to your level.

I like it. Right. Oh, what's in this? I like it. It's a little booklet. I guess we'll come to that in a minute. And there's a letter. There's a booklet.

Some kind of booklet. We'll come to that in a minute. Oh, okay. Here's the letter. It's from someone called Paul. Dear Paul and Eli. Hello. You might remember me from the Urine Vision song, Fruit Salad. Oh, and Eli. Hello. You might remember me from the Urine Vision song

Fruit Salad. Oh, it's that chap. You nearly spat your tea out then. Okay. I won the special Cheap Show Award. Oh. Yeah, I'm now

a bit frightened now. I don't want to look at the booklet now. I won the special Cheap Show Award which was my highlight. Oh. Plus, on the band camp

someone has Fruit Salad as their favourite song. I have also submitted this year, hey, why let a lack of talent stop me? I've not listened to the songs yet. Eli and I have not listened to them all yet. We're going to wait until they're all in. Deadline, end of April. It might make the cut.

It might make the cut. It might not. We just don't know. It's a strong competition this year, Paul. Me and my brother, Tom, who sent you the scratch and sniff stickers, and the dong, have been listening for years.

He calls himself a long-time cheapskate. Do you have anything to add? I'm not saying anything. He's going to pull a stupid fucking face. Look, I'm not pulling a stupid face. Because I know in your head right now, all you've got is things like boing for dip-dop,

Marjorie for ta-ta. Not Marjorie for ta-ta. Alexandra Splat. No, it's not. I've got nothing in my head. Ping pong. No, I know. Do you want something in my head?

Go on. Do you want something to come out of my head? Yeah. Shall I have a look? Yeah. Right. I'll have a look.

Wolfman for Jar Jar. Right. Wolfman for Jar Jar. Strong, strong opening. It's not that funny. Oh. Oh, dear. Anyway, enough about me I thought I would try to contribute to the show

please enclose a very special shitty gift edition oh no bespoke price of shite there's shit in here no he sent us shit

he sent us shit through the mail Paul three things the shit's come through the mail the shit it's a shit funnel in the post it's a post of it's a fucking. The mail. The shit. It's a shit funnel in the post.

It's a post of... Here we go. It's a shit sieve. It's a sieve. Oh, I've mashed my shit down. Shut up. Shut up. Wolfman for Jar Jar.

He says he's bought three things from a charity shop. One for Paul, one for Eli, and one for both of us. The answers are on the enclosed cards hidden so you can both play if you like. A handful of hints for the prices. All the items were bought from a charity shop in Ipswich. Altogether I spent no more than £5

on the items. Good, good. We have not had a lot of that rooftop stuff. Nice to have a fucking rooftop. A rooftop. A top price. I got the roof and there's a thatch. I like to think of it as thatched.

It is probably thatched. It's good because it absorbs moisture. What about if it was a noodle type thatch? No, no, no, no, no. And the walls were made of biscuits. Something like that. The gift for the both of you was very cheap. And it is the price for the pear.

So the third thing must be a pear. And an apple. And a melon. I've also included two proper gifts for each of you, but not much. Just a small token of thanks. Oh, the label on each gift says whether it's the gift or whether it's the price of shine. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've noticed that already. Oh, yeah.

What else have you noticed already? Please also. Do you hear that, everybody? I've noticed that already. When you perused everything to you noticed already? Do you hear that, everybody? I've noticed that already. When you perused everything to do with this so-called bespoke, you're licking Petwings off me. All Petwings are

gone. This is year zero in Petwings. Shut up. This is year zero in Petwings. There's no year zero in Petwings. They are eternal. Please also find enclosed a copy of the book written under my pen name,

Colin the Collective Sperm, which I hope you enjoy very much. Thank you for the podcast and content. Paul, thank you. And here's the book. It's called Colin the Collective Sperm, A Story for Children by Lucifer. And it's a small...

Lucifer. Self-printed, small paper... It's a pamphlet. Did you hear that? What? That was the noise of sticky, sticky pages, Paul. I'm not even lying. There was a certain stiffness.

I'd rather we concentrate on the game and not... No, it's just because of where he's cut it. Yeah. What's it about by looks of things, just as you skim through? It's a sperm. It's a sperm. There's a bird.

There's a cat. Shall I give you one page here? Yeah, give me a page. Yuck, said the cat. This small white dove is far too gooey for my liking and spat him out. Oh dear, said Colin, as his little nimbus body hit the ground. That's the sperm, Colin, I think. So it is about a sperm. What's

the ending? Let's go straight to the end. What do you think happens to Colin? He ends up in a sock. Oh, God. oh what what happens to colin the collective sperm i'm so happy i have lots of friends now giggled colin with delight as he mixed with the girl's saliva and she gulped him down right you know what i'm not reading this book out he had learned an important lesson you don't need friends if you can come in someone's face. What the fuck? It's like the fucking song he did. It makes me feel nasty and unclean.

I'm glad you've gotten help, Paul. I hope it's successful. Let's crack on with this. Now, do you want to mention the Poindexter incident or rather the Poindexter issue? On this section of the show, The Price of Shite, which is a game we play where we compete for the currency of The Price of Shite, points if a game we play where we compete for the currency of The Price of Shite, points, if you will.

And what do points mean, Paul? Points mean betwings. Betwings are points. You'll feel a sting if you don't get a betwing. If you don't get that betwing. It don't mean a thing if it isn't a betwing. That's a good point, yeah. Do that, do that, do that, do that, do that, do that, do that, do wow.

Because it's not negative. Yeah, yeah. All right, now. And it's got like a... Yeah. It's ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba- that, do that, do wow. Because it's not negative. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah. All right, now. And it's got like a... Yeah. Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da. Well, it don't mean a thing if it ain't got a between. Ba-da, yeah.

Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah.

Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah.

Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah.

Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah.

Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Ba-da, yeah. Great. We're going to move on. Pistol and mortar. Tell us about Poindexter. Oh, now Poindexter is a bear who engages in entirely...

The word engages. Consensual frottage with me over the years. He's our little teddy bear. Your little teddy bear. And he has a Conrad shirt on. How did he first appear? He's a blacklight Pollock masterpiece. He was a piece of Price of Sight originally, wasn't he?

And then eventually ended up against Joe Nubbage. Totally consensually. He engages in Nubbage, right? Okay, so... I hate that. We've decided, me and Paul, between us, haven't we, Paul, that Poindexter will be the keeper of the betwings from now on and he will sit atop the answers when we do play the Price of Sight

and he protects the betwings and then we take him off twice of shite yes and he protects the betwings and then we take him off and yeah he's a ceremonial keeper of the betwings yeah it also acts as a sort of he's like price waterhouse coopers with the oscar results exactly and he sits on there and he also it's a security thing as well because we'd notice if he was if any of us was up to nefarious yeah he would he would double us in. He would. And we'd have to move him to get to the answers as well. Yes. So anyway, on with the game.

Right, so we don't have him here with us, basically. No, he's in traction. So today, the prices... If you know what I mean. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moving fucking...

I don't know how many times I've said moving on today. I've split Poindexter. No, you haven't split Poindexter. You don't know. Anyway. If you split Poindexter. No, you haven't split Poindexter. You don't know. Anyway. If you split Poindexter, there'll be words. We don't have the medical insurance for him to cover any burst stitching.

Yeah, there's more than that. So the answers are in this envelope. Soggy stitching. Are in this envelope. Hairy stitching. And it is sealed with sellotape as Eli can now. I can see that. Let me split this.

Oh, sellotape all along around here. Shut up. And today it'll be guarded by Colin the Collective Sperm. Okay, there you go. Colin's on there now. Right, so shall we crack on? Let's crack one off. Do you want to have the price of shite for Eli first?

Oh, so do we both guess? Because they're all wrapped. You've got to write down our guesses. Oh, that's a good point. I don't have a pen. Right, we have a pen right we have a pen job done sorted all right and that is the betwings now what rules are we going to be playing by today paul i think we just have to go with the basics we don't know the order we don't know the thing so we're going to have to just go we do have a ceiling we've got a rooftop a ceiling a thatched it's a cum-soaked thatch it's a green cum-soaked thatch of a ceiling and i've been at it

so today if we are bang on with our guests and the price is right then you get two betwings two betwings if you are off by 25p either way either way or that way or this way or this way you'll just get one solitary betwing but it's still worth hunting for it's a patwing it's a patwing it's a patwing you don't sniff a patwing no you don't

you don't turn your nose up at one you don't do anything with it it's non-physical it's an ephemeral emotional moment yes it's a node

in the ether it's a node no you just don't fucking I said node you can't say node I'm just noticing you steal all my best lines when you think it's going to be good you don't have no i just noticed you steal all my best lines

you don't have any best lines no you do you go you repeat it back if i say aardvark thatchery or something you're gonna come in and go aardvark thatchery like and then everyone thinks you said it you didn't say it i said it i still stand by marjorie crumble flaps so that's your name for right so uh each item is wrapped like a Christmas present which is fun so Eli you can start here is your one nice gold

we're both going to have a guess at this one yes we both guess he's handed me a foot long item it's about a foot though isn't it Paul would you say that's

about a foot I don't know yeah maybe it's a flat about the size of my head yeah top to bottom I don't think people

care too much about the size what is it open it up it's floppy very floppy fabric-y feels like a t-shirt maybe it's a t-shirt

oh it is oh I like t-shirts oh it's a big green t-shirt Paul so this is the first item let's see what the design is oh

oh what is it does it say like Jimmy Savile's fan club or something no investigator and it has a picture of a crocodile in a shirt.

Does that mean that gag existed in the ether sometime in the past? He's an investigator. Yeah, I know. Did I tell that joke? Years ago. Yeah, I heard it from someone else. It's a nice green shirt, though, isn't it?

Big enough for your tum-tum, isn't it? Well, he's got a pipe in one hand. No, is it a pipe? Yeah, because he's a large Sherlock Holmes. And he's got a magnifying glass in the other hand. He's got an eye. And he's got his jacket, the vest he's got on. Yeah, talking he's a large Sherlock Holmes. And he's got a magnifying glass on the other hand. And his jacket, the vest he's got on. Yeah, talking to Mike. The vest he has on is Sherlock Holmes style.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cowley. What is his jacket? I can't remember. Because he wears a deerstalker hat, doesn't he? Well, no, he never did. He never did? No, that was just something that some version of the drawing put on him once and it stuck.

In the book, it's never mentioned that he wears a hat. Anything. I don't think. Not that I remember. That's why Jeremy Brett, he must have worn hats. Yeah, but Jeremy Brett, when you're in the TV show,

he often just wore kind of like a top hat kind of thing. Yeah. It's a nice shirt, that. I like that. I wonder how much that cost. Let's see what size it is.

Everything's under a tenner. Altogether, it's under a fiver. This is two times extra large. I think that was the right size to buy him. Shut up. I'm like large. I can do large. Yeah. Anyway, come on. So you have to guess first.

No, you guess first. It's your item. Oh, it's my item. Oh, is it for me as well? Yeah, it's yours and it's your item. So you have to guess. You have to guess first. Remember, all the items today came to a fiver. There'll be three. So there's two more items and one of them's a five. And there'll be three. So there's two more items, and one of them's a pair.

£1.50. Eli's saying £1.50. £2.25. £2.25. Right, I'm writing down £2.25. I'm just going to write for me, £2. Oh, yeah. On the nose. You liked it, didn't you?

You liked it. On the nose. I'm going to open mine now. I could actually give that shirt to the person who told me that joke. Great, I'm sure they'll like it. Why don't you keep it? It's a nice green shirt. Give it to Michael then, your best friend. Right. Price of shite for

Paul. Now it feels like a mug. I can feel the handle. I can see it is a mug. Yeah, and obviously it's a mug. But let's see what kind of mug it is. What do you think what kind of mug it is? I think people, someone will buy me like Maltesers or Smarties. Could be. You do have a nice line

in confectionery base. Yes. Crockery. Yeah, I've got those Easter egg ones. Last week, I got you the Reese's plate. The toast shaped plate.

I've even used that. Have you? Yeah. I gave a piece of toast with honey on to my girlfriend. I said, for you,

my love. And she went, get out of my sight. Right. I'm watching Columbo. Okay. I think it's going to have something, you know, potty. And she went, get out of my sight. Right. I'm watching Columbo. Okay. I think it's going to have something, you know, potty-mouthed on it, like poo-poo. Like a Mr. Man spunking.

Or it'll be Noel Edmonds. Mr. Man spunking onto Noel Edmonds' tit. There's an image for you, isn't there? Mr. Bump. No, it would be Mr. Tickle. No, it would be Mr. Tickle givingle giving like the skis to Noel Edmonds and Dave Lee Travis oh I'd like to see that

yeah right because it's got a bit of a lip to it this mug right and that says to me it's an older mug like an 80s design it's got a lip around the edge

yeah just feeling it because I haven't opened it yet so I'm thinking if it's going to be a 70s or 80s mug it might be like have a bit more to it

in terms of the actual form of the mug no I think not just be a blank neutral mug I think the design will just be either really blank, neutral mug. I think the design will just be either really tacky,

like postcards from Windsor kind of pictures, or it will be a brand stuff. Anyway, let's find out. Enough chatting. Let's make it happen. Rip it open. It's well-wrapped, by the way.

All of these things have been well-wrapped. Beautifully wrapped. There's even a... I like that investigative tissue. Bubble wrap in this. It's too big for me, you know?

That's all. Oh. It's a mug. Oh, it's a terrible mug. You can see in this. It's too big for me, you know? That's all. Oh. It's a mug. Oh, it's a terrible mug. I can see from here. It's a real my mum's mug sort of mug, isn't it? Oh, it's one of those bubble gum design mugs. It's a name mug.

It's got your name on it, Paul. Bubble gum by Carlton Cards. It's a Paul mug. Here's what it says on the back. Paul's the one who's really cool. Yeah. A well smart dude, it's true Paul mug here's what it says on the back Paul's the one who's really cool yeah a well smart dude it's true

yeah because he's just a groovy guy groovy and funky through and through he's funky as well and that's a mug

with Paul on and stars what a funky guy you are Paul you're really cool I am disappointed that's terrible my investigative t-shirt

is much better I'm going to wank in that I'm going to wank in that. I'm going to fill it to the brim. You are okay. And then a flower will grow of it. How would a flower grow of it? From your seed.

It's your seed flower seed. What is it? Tulips. You've got tulip seeds. You've got tulip bulbs in your bollocks. No, I've got my... You've got bollocks bulbs. You're just stuffed with bulbs.

Don't look at me like that when you're doing it. It's really intense. Stop it. Have you got bulbs stuffed with bollocks? I masturbate and then huge, big cloves. Get the pestle and mortar. Get the pestle and mortar. Pop, pop, pop.

Pop, pop. What are you doing? Sometimes I genuinely wonder if we're doing the same podcast. What do you mean? Sometimes there's another world between us. There's a line of reality. And you're on your side doing your pestle and mortar, pumpy, pumpy hand movements.

All the balls, the bulbs and the balls. Mashy, mashy. No, Eli, I do not ejaculate bulbs of daffodils when I cum. Well, you said it. Look, this is where it started. If I came... You said you'd fill that with your pussy. Fill it with my pussy.

Is that what you said? Your pass. I said I'd fill it with my cum. Your jazz pus. Right? Stop saying it like that. It's really aggressive. Are you saying

if nothing would grow from this? You pump your jazz pus into there till it reaches the top and then a flower grows out of it for some reason. There would be mold. I was simply questioning that.

There'd be mold, wouldn't there? That's not a flower. Beautiful. I want a flower with a stalk and a perennial. I can give you a stalk. Beautiful. I want a flower with a stalk and a perennium. You're giving me a stalk? Yeah, I've got a stalk

on right now. Anyway, I don't like the mug. How much is it though? How much is it though? Is your go? I'm going to go first. I'm going to say that was a pound.

I say a pound ten. And Eli says a pound ten. No, I think 75p, actually. I'm going to go under a pound. 75p.

I have amended that price. Okay. Ipswich. Final item. Price. 75p. I have amended that price. Okay. Ipswich. Final item. Price of shite for both. Can I open it, please? Yeah, go on.

This is... It feels like books. A book. Two books. Remember he said pair. Oh. It's a pair of books. Well, not kind of book.

Maybe it's like that Snoopy one you got. It's one of those kind of books. Or Garfield Slim. Don't like Garfield. I know. I'm just saying that. I'm guessing what it could be. Here we go. Here you go. He's opening it up. He's tearing it. It is like Christmas. It't like Garfield. I know. I'm just saying, I'm guessing what it could be. Here we go.

Here you go. He's opening it up. He's tearing it. It is like Christmas. It is like Christmas, this. Oh, we've got a pair of Jasper Carrot paperbacks. Hey! Jasper Carrot paperbacks?

Yes, that's right. I never knew they existed. What are they? These are such W.H. Smith in the 80s things. Give us one. Jasper Carrot Sweet and Sour Labrador. And I've got Jasper Carrot a little lit., zit, sorry, a little zit on the side. And he's squeezing his face as if there was a zit there.

Insurance agents and moles love him. He's a victim of Rubik's wrist and occasionally unexploded gases. He has travelled from Skegness to Abu Dhabi to research this book. He's basically reformatted all his stand-up into a kind of travel through the world. From the man who brought you Biff of the Dog, The Nutter on the Bus, and, of course, A Little Zit on the Side, your book, here's another hilarious, outrageous episode in the world according to Carrot. Well, there you go.

He pumped out a load of books, obviously, back in the day. Do you want to hear the blurb on this one? Yeah. He's been a delivery boy, the terror of Sully Hole, a toothpaste salesman for four hours a folky as in a folky

yeah repertoire two songs and the most unlikely and original comic superstar for years now Jasper Carrot reveals more of the outrageous talent

that has taken him from the boggery to a series of one man shows that won him ITV's personality of the year award oh isn't that a great time to think you can go back and Jasper Carrot to a series of one-man shows that won him an ITV's Personality of the Year award. Oh! Isn't that a great time to think?

You can go back and Jasper Carrott would win a Personality award. Those days would never come. Oh, this sweet and sour Labrador seems very racist. Different time. Yeah. This cost originally, my one, 85p. Way back in the 80s back in the day I don't

I can't see the price how much we need to both say how much these two cost together now Agnes it's my go to go first

alright then you go first I'll say 50p the pair 50p for both I'd say 70 80p well they're not each I know the price

that's what I'm saying are you saying they're 50p each or are you saying they're 50... I'm saying 85p for the pair. Right. 85p, he writes. What have I got? Two, three...

I'm going to say... I'm going to say... I'm going to say a quid, which means I'm probably off on one of the prices considerably. But that's fine. I'm in it for the larks. Yeah, I'm not.

I'm in it for the hard, the cold, hard betweens. At the end of the day, I don't need to spot on. I just need to be closer than you. I'm just going to put my sunglasses Yeah I'm not I'm in it for the hard The cold hard Petwings At the end of the day I don't need to spot on I just need to be closer than you I'm just going to put my sunglasses back on To receive the Petwings You know

Like a dude Colin Release the points Thank you Colin I am opening The scores I'll tell you what You do it then actually

You do it Open them carefully Eli We'll see Right Just trying to get in here. Open it up. Go on, be rough with it. Open it.

Get it right open. Here we go. It's coming out. Yes. Yes. Price of Shite answers in case cards don't work. What cards? What cards?

Oh, here we go. There's some cards with scratch-off bits. Oh, I see what he means now in the letter. The scratch and card. Oh, hello. All right, so gift for Eli. The T-shirt is the first one so it's a scratch and coin then i gave you a coin didn't i four two yeah i've got them oh this is novel we've got scratch cards it's the first time we've seen the scratch card this is a new this is new isn't it it's my one i'll scratch it all right so the

t-shirt the t-shirt get ready so what did we say you said two pound 25 for the t-shirt said... Get ready. So what did we say for the T-shirt? You said £2.25 for the T-shirt. I said £2 on the nose. So scratch, scratch away. Now, there's four panels. So what does that mean? Well, I'm scratching one off, and it's got a picture of me and you and Richard Brandoff. Oh, that's nice. Underneath that...

It's all Tony's art. Oh, here we go. Here's the price. The price was... £3.10. £3.10 for the T-shirt, yeah. What's that bar on the side mean, then? Nothing.

It's just the price is written three times. Oh, okay, okay. Like a scratch card. You get lucky if you scratch the right one. That's very cool. That's good. Well done on that. Was it his brother who designed it, Paul said?

Yeah. Well done. Either way, we're out. No petwings. Oh, there's enough. Blue pickle. Yeah. No, it's green. It's these sunglasses. They're polarised. Yeah, you're out. No petwings. There's enough. Blue pickle. It's green. It's these sunglasses. Take them off.

Stop trying to push me around, man. I can wear what I like. Yeah, fair enough. So we're both out. I said £2. You said £2.25. We were both too far out for petwings. That's a shame. We could be petwing-leth. It may be. It may be a petwing-leth game. But it might mean that my scores will be closer

because that was quite a high... You know, it was like you said, £3.10. Yeah, and I've gone under you for the other two ones, haven't I? So, give me that coin. Give me, give me, give me that. Give me that coin. Give me that. Give me, give me that.

Give me that coin. Give me that coin. Give me that. Give me, give me, give me that coin. There we go. So, Paul's gift, the mug with the cute poem. I'm going to scratch. This is exciting. What did we say for this, Paul? Oh, the mug with the cute poem. I'm going to scratch. This is exciting.

What did we say for this, Paul? Oh, you said 75p, and I said one pound. Could be because you've got the higher price here, and the T-shirt was higher than both of us thought. Oh, I can see it says a pound. It says one pound. I'm spot on. Oh, you got double betwings.

You get a betwing, though, because you said 75p. So I'm going to give you your betwing now. Betwing. And I'll give you your between now. Between. And I'll give you back your well-earned on the nose between between. Oh, nice.

He got it on the nose between between. He got it on the nose between between. He got it on the nose between between. I just want to see what the other pictures are.

It's just that it's the price again another two times. I know, but I want to see the pictures. I've got three brand offs. Well done. I've got three brand-offs. Well done. I've only got two brand-offs. That's cool. I love this. I've got two pickles and two brand-offs.

And two Paul and Eli's. Right, last one. Can I do this one? I'll let you scratch it. Oh, fun. Isn't it? Here's your 50p back. There's me, angry me. There's angry and there's happy me. Lovely. Right, here we go. Wait there. So this was the books. I said 85p for two, you said a quid for two. A pound Lovely. Right. Here we go. Wait there. So this was the books. I said 85p for two. You said a quid for two. A pound, yes. So

here we go. Oh dear. Oh dear. We're not going to like it. It was 20p. Really? They're shit. Wow. That's a bargain though, isn't it? My one was totally falling apart as well. So, eh, eh. 20p though still. Charity shop bargain there.

Not bad for 20p. You like Jasper Carrot, don't you, a little bit? You have his albums. I wouldn't want the books, though. You couldn't read along with them? Like a script? No. Eli Silverman presents Jasper Carrot.

You can go on stage and go, ooh, what was his accent? I'm Jasper Carrot. He was Brummie. Oh, I'm Jasper Carrot. Yeah, he was like that. Yes, I'm Jasper Bowley. Oh, that doesn't sound Brummie, mate.

He says Brummie. I can only do one Brummie, and that's the, oh, hello, how you doing? No, don't do that one. I'm Jasper Carrot. Yeah, it was like that. Yes, I'm Jasper Bowley. Oh, that doesn't sound Brummie, mate. You put a pussy's Brummie. I can only do one Brummie, and that's the, Oh, hello, how you doing? No, don't do that one. Please don't do that. Oh, I'm Jasper Carrot. Oh, hi. Oh, hi, I'm Jasper Carrot.

That's not Brummie. I don't think we should do regional stuff. I'm going to do a little, here's my action. Here we go. Watch this one. Oh, Jesus. Oh, I never knew there was such a thing as an anarchy evening until I heard recently my old friend Ian Horne describe one in gruesome detail.

Hello. No, you're going... No, you're... Ian is the manager in Driving Force. Mate, you sound like you're doing a South East Asian sort of... It's making me feel uncomfy in my panties. I'm doing Welsh now. Oh, I'm my bollocks.

Oh. I'm going to start singing in a second. Don't sing. Yes, I will. That was a fucking fancy shame. There's two little prizes left over. Well, can we just say, let's wrap up the Price of Shite segment then.

I won. I got two betwings. You got one. Well, not bad. Well done. Not bad. Thank you. That was good.

A tough game, but well presented. I like the scratch card format. Loved it. Nice. Well done. That's added a little bit of fun to the whole proceeding. Can you see pictures of these on the website?

Thecheapshot.co.uk. Right, Paul's proper gift. Oh, and then Eli's proper gift. We've got a little personal gift each. Let's open it quick.

It's exciting, isn't it? What did you get, do you think? I don't know. Pin that. Oh, that'd be great.

What's this? Hey, it's a Greg's gift card. He does love Greg's. £10. Hey. You'd love that, wouldn't you? Jamaican patty wrap for me.

Hey, thank you. Come on, what's that? It's a pack of cards. Oh, it is a pack of cards. First edition. Nice. Mint on card. It's all whirly, whirly patterns.

Cards mint on card and there's a little thing. Well, that's good, isn't it? The first deck of Whirl in golden black, elegantly designed. The playing card deck for cardistry, magic and other amazing moments. Wow. Magic for magic. Excellent. Whirl has a distinctive theme in its connection to magic

and cardistry. Whirl's design has gold Pantone lines. Its beautiful faces in black and gold have been created so cardists can flourish and magicians will excel in their routines and tricks. The card back includes the whirl and leads to magic effects and whirling cardistry. Cardistry! The faces are held in a very straight and calm way to increase the enchanting moments of silence.

Oh, God, I hate being Montgomery Blue Balls. Oh, I'm in agony. Oh, the swell. Oh, God. Go, there's a big lump of ice there, Montgomery. Go on. Bear with me, thank you. There you go.

That's the sound of his blue balls cooling right down. Oh, it's never going to fix them. We should explain to people who don't know the blue ball terminology. You get blue balls when you want to ejaculate or you're just turned on and your balls are all blue. Yeah, and you don't get to relieve that. So they're hot. Because blue could be like they're cold. It's not blue as in cold.

I just wanted to make sure. Yeah, no, I got it. It doesn't make sense. Put his blue balls on the ice. You think, oh, well, they're already cold. They're blue. What does the ice do? I thought they meant blue as in like a tourniquet,

like the blood's been restricted and they're going to drop off. I'm sad now. They're swollen. Yeah. Bruised. Great. Should we end the segment about swollen balls then? Bruised, internally bruised ball.

And look at the ace of spades. Should we wrap this segment off now? I'm beginning to lose energy. Look at the ace of spades, mate. Yeah, it's pretty. Well, shut up. You're just Mr Negative, aren't you? Alright, I'll just do a song about Chodney Boroff. You've asked for it. I didn't ask for it.

Go on, then. Chodney Boroff is his name. He came over here. He came round. He came down. Chodney Boroff here. He came round. All your songs are about fucking orienteering. He came round, went north, up round there. Chodney Boroff here. He came round. All your songs are about fucking orienteering. He came round, went north, up round there. Chodney Boroff has a map, he goes over there. Where is that, he says, and he is Chodney Boroff.

Chodney Boroff is his name, one, two, three, and so. Right, now you're just counting. What a great song, Smith. Chodney Boroff, he comes here, he comes round here. Right. Chodney Boroff. Shut comes here, he comes down here. Right. Shodney Boroff. Shut up.

This didn't work. And so that's it. And here with the housekeeping bit where I have to shut up for, here's Paul at the end of the show. Thank you, Eli. So if you'd like to submit a song, there is still time. End of April is when the deadline is. So, the last day of April...

How many entries have you had? Sorry, Paul. We've had about 30 odd... No, 50... About 60. No, we've had about 50. I thought we had more

at one point, then we didn't. We had less, and now we've actually got that number in the first place. So, we've had like some 50 odd tracks.

That's a lot of music, man. That Eli and I will have to whittle down to 13. Now, we can't promise your track will get on, but have a crack, you never know. Live, your song on your Envision, 21st of May on our Twitch stream show, which we'll be doing on the 21st of May on Twitch.

21st of May. Cheap show, et cetera. Your Envision, 2021. We're going to have Ash Frith and Mr. Biffo there with us. Hop, hop. It's going to be a glamorous and glorious affair. We've got such an amazing night planned. A nub and nubs ahoy.

We can't wait to share it with you. A nub and nubs ahoy. On the subject of Mr. Biffo, though. Yeah. So we were going to do those Space Raiders. Yeah. How did you get those? There was no point.

I really want to try those there's no point because Biffo's gone and done it for his digitiser channel did he what and he said here's the thing right

I talked to him about it I said why are you doing that because I thought that was going to be our cheap show thing we were going to do it on cheap show yeah so I was getting a bit suspicious

so I when I was last round I dropped the package off because you know we get the PO box stuff so I dropped off his packages but he didn't know I put a bug, I dropped the package off. It's a liberty. Because, you know, we get the PO box stuff. So I dropped off his packages, but he didn't know I put a bug in one of the boxes,

a little recording device. So listen to this. Listen to this. I'm Tony Harris, the little man from the moon, and I'm looking forward to eating the space traders from Iceland. Can I just stop you for a second? I'm not sure that we should... I'm not sure it's a good idea that if we do snack taste tests anymore.

Because it's kind of like... It's Cheap Show's thing. They've done it. They did it before us. No, no, no. Firstly, no one's going to know that we've stolen the idea for eating snacks off of Cheap Show. I mean, it's not even the most original idea anyway.

I mean, how many other people do snack taste tests? Secondly, Cheese Show, oh, funny how they started doing characters. You know, a couple of decades after Digitizer basically started doing silly characters. You know, we invented silly characters on Digitizer. So don't, you know, if Gannon or Eli want to come at me with accusations that we are somehow influenced. So do you think we should wait a couple of decades

to do snack taste tests? No, no one's going to know. Look, we'll just keep ripping them off. We'll just keep, you know, using them as a tap that dribbles ideas. You know, we'll clean the shit off them and then we'll just do it in our own way, in our own style.

No one's going to know. Just don't worry about it. See? So I got that today, proving that they're fucking, him and Tony Harris. Right, you know what we should do, Paul? We should say that we're going to do something, like taste some shit or something, and then see if he does it.

But then we're not going to really do it. That was the thing, we were going to do something like taste some shit or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then see if he does it. But then we're not going to really do it. Well, that was the thing. We were going to do Space Raiders and now he's gone and done it. So he can't. What's the point of us doing it? Well, let's do one that sort of shows him up. And it's not real. Let's pretend there's a crisp.

Let's pretend there's a fucking Marmite ice cream or something. Well, we can't mention it on the podcast because he listens. So he knows we're plotting. Oh, are we on the podcast? Yeah, we're on the podcast. All right. When we get him on your envision we need to do a little setup

we need to sort him out alright we'll sort him out alright because this can't stand he said he was feeding from the dribbly teat of Cheap Show there didn't he

yeah wiping the shit off it what's wrong with our ideas I mean they are shit it's good enough for you guys fucking hell just saying this has upset me

this recording and I'm only bringing it up because we've got to be aware that obviously he's out to take us down. He'll never take us down. He'll never take us down. Eli Snoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. That's my Twitter handle, everybody. Yeah, well done.

And I'm Paul Gannon's show and at the Cheap Show pod. If you want to follow us, we're most chatty. What about patrons? Ah, patreon.com forward slash cheap show is where you can go if you'd like to support us financially on Patreon. If you can, great. If you can't, retweet, support, spread the word, leave a review on any podcast app or iTunes store you like. There's lots of stuff.

You can get lots of stuff if you do. Yeah, you get lots of stuff if you join. Extra stuff. You get extra videos behind the scenes. I'm about to get pissed and then do something. Yeah, do something crazy. That's not for the Patrons, though. I'm going to get all half tight and then come waddled up on you

and I'll go, scoff me, scoff me, waddle. Shut up now. We need to get through this. It's already gone on for far too long. So go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk if you want to see pictures and videos that accompany this episode. Lots of things that we played with today you can see on there. Also, it's a one-stop shop for all the links to things like events physical edition of the cheap show mag you can also click on a

link there for tony's merchandise page get tony's art all over your clothes and shit and the mugs and then we have our own cheap show uh merch store link on there and a video to a ganon land and all sorts of lovely things it's a one stop shop. If you like music I do a show on Soho Radio every two weeks, the House of Pickles sound show two till four on Soho Radio. I like the fact that you're performing to the camera even though it's blatantly not on

It's showbiz darling I can't help it. So yeah, patreon.com forward slash cheapshow with thecheapshow.co.uk and at thecheapshowpod on Twitter and that will do. We're on Instagram and Facebook as well but yeah, whatever. Thanks for listening everybody. Thanks for listening and Biffo, if you are listening to this, you're

going down. It's happening. You may be around longer but all that means is the young blood coming up. We're bubbling up from the ground. The minute you walked in the joint bar, I could tell you were a thieving bastard thieving bastard big fever so divine wouldn't you like to come and nick some crisp ideas for me

from mine you could have rhymed it like that i don't know so let me get right to the point we don't share our segments for any other show. Oh, no. Oh, Mr. Biffo. Oh, Mr. Biffo. Take your little show away. You can't. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Yeah, cunt.

That's how we should end it. With you just calling Biffo a cunt. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. You did. Stand by it. Shut up.