CheapShow - Ep 228: Aural Dadaist Nightmare

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

It takes a brave person to even attempt to bring back the "Cut Price Life Hacks" segment, it's takes an imbecile to try and cram it into a Gannon's Golden Games, but that's what Paul has done this week, and he may live to regret it. Elsewhere in the podcast, Eli is on a sauce and noodle mission and he is sick and tired of Paul's constant harassment, so he is taking it to HR. Again. In retaliation, Paul also goes to see the management... They may be losing their minds. Will an underwhelming Country Urban Noodle Testlab Kitchen segment make things all better? The answer is no. Not at all! Join us for another bargain basement podcast adventure! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-228-aural-dadaist-nightmare And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I'm recording now. Shh, don't tell him. Don't fucking start. Don't start the fucking podcast, right? What are you doing? I'm preparing to do the podcast in my own flipping room. Tell you what. What?

That was extremely uncomfortable and dehydrated piss. It was like fucking tango that had been left out in the sun. Very elastic. Do you know what I mean? Gloopy, elastic, yellow in the sun. Like Fanta. Like Fanta for all of us. Shut up.

Are you ready to start the show? Are we going to start? Because I don't want you to put the bit about my piss in. Honestly, I don't. Tell me you won't. I won't. Don't people think I've got

old man drippy fucking tango penis? Yeah, but you do. Tell me you won't. I won't. People think I've got old man drippy fucking tango penis. Yeah, but you do. Fanta in the sun. All dribbling out like a big minuscule mescal. I'm getting the shit out. You're going to have to cut it now. Am I? Yeah, I'll do something.

I will do something. Do you know what? It's really sort of bright and sunny in here. I think I need these sunglasses. What are you doing? I think I need these sunglasses. What are you doing? I think I need this new visor I got for a quiz. You look like an old deer at Las Vegas slots. Oh, come on, Lucky Sevens.

I wet myself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. Do you know what, Paul? I've got something in common with that lady. Incontinence. And the stringy, dehydrated piss. St something in common with that lately. In continence. And the stringy, dehydrated piss. Stringy. That's what I'm looking for.

Yellow, orange stringiness. That reminds me of a song. No. Stringy pissy. Come round. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to... No, no. We're starting again. This was wrong and bad and wrong.

Can we start again, please? All right. Okay. I'll do a professional look. I'll just keep the visor on. Don't put this up like trying to make a point. Eli said I'm professional. This is the start.

Okay? All right? Yes. And I'll count myself down. Thank you. Okay. I need to fucking produce myself on this show, Paul. Are you ready, Eli?

That visor's too big for you, by the way. Are you ready, Eli? That visor's too big for you. I can fucking make it. at the look at the uh drawstring is like a telephone wire did you notice that yes like a curly cord it's a curly cord and look it's very adjustable you ready to start the episode yes let's begin hello everybody eli here we're in the house of pickles this week again it's time for cheap show paul can you explain to me why this 20p stuck to your table ah good opener nice gambit it's fucking glued on with spunk paul no no no

it's glued on with spunk and spittle let's forgo the gloopy spittle let's go i've got very gloopy dehydrated piss okay paul i don't want to talk about my piss on the back of that coin and then i stuck it on two years ago no it's not two years ago because it's only here don't you remember we've covered it before no we haven't it's a landmark in the house of pickles you come in past mount grot pants through the uh you look up at the the peak of sources up there ooft is up there and kona crystal now it's an ever-changing hall of sources along the shelves, Paul. And then you see Ah! Where shall I meet you, young

Sonny? I're by the piss-stuck 20p on the desk, young Jimmy. A. Shut up. B. Worst theme park in the fucking world. It's great in here. Oh, look. There's like, Mount Grop Pants is very solid this time of year. It's very in here. Oh, look. Mount Gropp Pants is very solid this

time of year. It's very solid this time of year. Do you know what that infers? What? Sometimes it's liquid. It's a built-up mountain of clothes you've not cleaned in ages. It has a special physics. It's sort of in between a liquid and a solid. It acts like a solid. It's like

corn flour. Yes. So it's wet when you pick it up, but if you hit it with a hammer,'s hard very rock hard rock hard ladies and gentlemen welcome to cheap welcome everybody to cheap show the economy comedy podcast where sometimes we look for the bargain bins the charity shops and power lands of great britain and find the treasure amongst the trash on that very subject paul what do you think of my new lunchbox? Got it for a quid. It's a little plastic shit. It says bang on it and stuff, like cartoon. Yeah, lots of onomatopoeia. Look at the, got two sections there.

You've got a pickle section and a raisin section. Or you could have olives in there and maybe some jam. You like jam, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The jam report was a big hit last week. It's not a jam report. It's jam action news. Action jam news was a big...

Is it back? No, I haven't got any news. Well, I've already mentioned sources. Where's your jam news now? Mate, my jam news... It's a reactionary bullshit. It's all going to fall through. My jam news is...

Think of it as more like a kind of... It's more cultured. It builds its news up and then gives you a great big dollop of jam at the end of it. Dollop of jam? Because some people can wear their ideas out by constant repetition of a very boring subject. Where with with jam i like to sit on it for a bit

let it culture to sit on jam yeah i like to sit on your bum some of it and then is that your special one it's fucking uncle grumbly all over again now look at the sandwich department on my new fucking lunchbox. This is actually our worst beginning. You say that every week, mate. Every week. I think that stuff about my gloopy piss is gold. I mean, it looks gold. Shut up.

Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Off-brand, brand-on, off-brand, brand-on Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show. And a go and a nuzzle. Hello, it's another week inside the House of Pickles.

Paul, before we get started, would you like a moist towelette or wet wipe? Why? Why would I need one? I've got some. I know. In case you wanted to just sort of... Clean the area. Clean your area. No, can I go back to the original point?

Ha, ha, ha, spunk. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But why is there 20p stuck to your table? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I cleared off the table ready for our recording session today and I was going, whoo, whoo, cleany, cleany.

Oh, wonder what's scared. And then it was like, oh oh that'll come off oh oh it won't come off oh oh oh

oh god what am I gonna do I'll have to make up some some story about it being there forever and Paul he's got

memory for shit after all the skunk he constantly smokes so he won't know and will he know he won't know just tell him

he's stuck there spunk it is it's gloopy. Spunk. It is. Scoopy. Oh, there's a drill. Do you remember the early days of this podcast when we said sentences and talked? I can talk about...

You're giving me nothing here, Paul. I asked you if you ever wanted a towel, mate. I asked you a question about why a 20 pp's were stuck to your table and then you went off on a two-minute fucking Alice in wonderlandian rant around the fucking nonsense village in your brain oh only if only you could see inside the nonsense village in my brain i don't want to it's like i can imagine it's like port mary and covered in shit paul this is from hallow restaurant probably the best of the turkish sort of big

ones around here mate i don't. I've got one here. It's from Haller as well, but it's a different design. You can see the evolution of Haller's moist towelette. It's still fresh. If I open this, is it lemony-scented? Yes. Are they all lemony-scented? Then I've seen it all before.

Not interested. Take your wet wipes and get out of town. What's coming up on the show today Paul today on the show today we've not been there in a while but hey guess what

we're going back to Eli's country urban noodle kitchen test lab and we've got some exciting are you going to do the jam bit then

no I said to you I'll do it when there's good jam news how is it a 24 hour even it's not I didn't ever say that 24 hour

I never said that you need representation it's action jam news it's representation it's action jam news it's like breaking news it's like it only comes in when there's news

to break no big source is going to re-exert itself no but big source is like a rolling news I represent

big source and big source is going to represent itself yeah well guess what I represent jam enterprises

and I'll be making sure that there are checks and balances who's behind this Paul who's really behind this

big jam alright good so what's coming up again wait And I'll be making sure that there are checks and balances. Who's behind this, Paul? Who's really behind this? Big Jam. All right, good. So, what's coming up again? Wait. The Sarsen's Parsons. The Sarsen's Parsons? Yeah. He's the vicar who investigates vinegar or something.

The Caviar's are. Yeah, the Caviar's are. The Caviar's are and the Parsons' Sarsen. I don't know what to say I am the god of ketchup And I bring you Chips Mupka

Salt and vinegar Right let's move on To what To what I don't have a clear I don't have a clear idea Of what's going on In the show Paul

You said something about noodles I said something about jam What happened Doesn't matter, we can move on what else have we got coming up? we also have a so what is it when like a restaurant does a like Tex-Mex or like

think of this, the next section is a fusion segment where we take a Ganon's Golden Games but we add it to a segment we've not done in a while which is cut price life hacks. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. That one.

Have you got any life hacks hanging around? Mate, we've got a whole game full of them and you'll be guessing which is the correct one and which are the fake life hacks. Didn't we do that already? And it was utter shit. No.

Utter, utter shit it was. No, we did a news titles one where it was like, is this a real... Oh yeah, it was that one. This is a real headline. And it's like, Seven die in a plane crash.

You think, true. Then the next one is, Uncle Wibblywob's chicken house burnt down. Ooh, a donkey floated over Queen Mary's heliphant. Heliphant?

It's a floaty heliphant. Oh, look, it's the heliphant. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. They're floating in. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Stop it. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore.

Stop it. Hey, take a break. Just, mate. I'm a feathery heliphant. Center yourself. Center yourself. Floaty in the sky. Don't say feathery,

I can't even fucking say it. Feathery heliphant. He took it into the sky. I need you to look into my eyes. Please focus. Look into my eyes. Please. Please.

Look into my eyes. I need you to centre. I'm having a dream. I need you to centre. Look at me. Calm down. I want you to breathe. Breathe.

Ready? Five. Breathe in. One. Two. Three. And breathe out breathe out

2, 3 breathe in 1, 2, 3 breathe out 1, 2, 3 can we stop now? start doing something I want to mention, before we head into

don't fucking do that don't put the visor back on a jaunty angle and then a backstreet boys hand gesture what are you doing stop me i'm just stop interrupting me i'm being real you know stop visually interrupting me that's not real whatever you say yeah you look like a real prick that's the that's what you look like listen whatever yeah it's called fashion mate i just want to do a podcast i'm doing it i'm doing it all i ever wanted to do is do a podcast that would be popular and successful. And in the top 100 in the comedy charts.

We never go. We never bother it. No. It's not because of my visor, though, is it? It's part of the problem. My jaunty visor. It's part of the systemic problem with this podcast. Oh, God.

Don't start. Because it's basically a systemic problem with our own existence. Mental health. Yeah, that's probably a big chunk of it. Big factor. Big factor. I can't get away from the heffalump in the sky with its feathery wings. I just want to do a podcast,

mate, please. Fine, do it. I want to mention that as of today, right now, as of this episode going out. Ah, yes, this is actual business. Yeah. Let's get down to actual business. It is the deadline now for your Envision. We've had very, very many entries in.

We've been flabbergasted, Paul, by the amount of entries. Completely. Next year, it's been like 150% increase, something like that. Something crazy like that. But as of today's episode. We can't have them all on the competition on the night paul no we can't we can't and we have to it's a process that we're working towards everybody so we're gonna work together we're gonna take a weekend we're gonna get a bottle of jack daniels we're gonna sit there

and we're gonna go through every single entry aren't we and we're gonna we're gonna judge them and we're gonna you know yes so it is for as of this today, it is the 30th of April 2021. Deadline closed. If any come in today, as of Friday when I release this. Straight in the bin. No, I'll kept them. Straight in the bin.

As of midnight, then it's closed, right? And then, as I say, we'll sit down and we'll filter them down and we'll pick 13 out of the something like 60-odd we've got. It's going to be a big night, Paul.

I'm looking forward to it already. It's going to be a big night. I think you're getting some special clothes. I'm thinking of getting some special clothes. I think you should get some special clothes. I think I should smarten up. Spangly. Have you still got that

thing you wore for Mark Allen's show? You like the visor? Have you still got that Mark Allen's thing? Oh, the sexotard. Yeah, have you still got that? I will never wear that again.

I saw a photograph of myself in it and I thought, that is literally the opposite of flattering for my body type. Yeah, it is, isn't it? But that's why Mark made you wear it.

My penis was on view. Mate, your penis. My knobby. Your penis was like, you know when you see a horror film, like a horrible face stretches through the wall in a film? That was like your penis. I always like that in a film. Stretching through.

Right, let's get into the nitty gritty of it. So yes, on the 21st of May on Twitch that evening, a free show. Come join us. We've got all the entries. We've got Mr. Biffo, Ash Frith, and we've got a panel, a swathe of guest judges who'll be giving their judging on the night. And there's going to be a big show, everybody.

It'll be a big show. It's going to be a long one. So join us 8 p.m. May 21st, Friday night on Twitch. There'll be details on the metadata for this episode and on our website. Come join us for your Envision 2021. Why do I always start getting wet or face wet when I do this podcast? No, it's more like gloopy face wet, pissy face wet. Because you're a deeply out of shape human being.

Oh, here we go. You are filthy, hairy peanut. I want a pen and paper. I've got things to write down. What, like Jaffa Cakes again? I was going to write Jaffa Cakes, and then I was going to write something else. Right, now, Eli, end this segment.

Go for it. End this segment? Well, what have we talked about? Doesn't matter. End this segment so we can add you to the sound effect. Thanks for listening. Yes, and your Envision, again, just to reiterate just to reiterate closed today yes the 30th of april okay so no more also hey paul i'm eli silverman this is cheap show thank you for listening i've panicked he's

beginning to break down thank you for listening and just just to reiterate. Not over yet. No, thanks for listening this far, though. Yeah. And also coming up on the show, Paul. Yeah. We got noodle, woodle, woodles. You know you love the noodles. We all love the noodles. Is it a two packer?

Is it a three packer? Maybe it's got an oil sachet. That's the kind of noodle I'm talking about. And after that, Gannon's Golden Games. I'm not even going to do the stupid voice because I'm so I'm looking forward to this this game we're going to play here he goes Timber

it should be good it should be good everybody he's gone I am not gone you are I'm fine I'm not finding it funny I don't find it funny

I don't I don't find anything funny you should what should I yeah I've got a new visor is it still too big for me shut up let's just end this now finish don't find anything funny. You should. What, should I? Yeah. I've got a new visor. Is it still too big for me? Shut up.

Let's just end this now. Finish. Don't do that. I'm going to do my Backstreet Boys post. Paul likes it. Come on. That's how we're ending. Did you like my improvisation?

Please say yes, Daddy. Yes. Okay, Paul, it's noodle time now. Let's take this seriously. Come on. We've got noodles. I'm going to test these noodles. We've got noodles coming out the wazoo.

You're in the house of pickles. You're bedded in. You're looking at the sauces. You're looking at that scotch bonnet jam that's homemade that no one's ever going to eat. I can already smell the tangent. Smell the tangent. That's ever going to eat. I can already smell the tangent. Smell the tangent. That's a great album name.

Now, smell my tangent. Mate, I'm in your room. All I can smell is your tangents. Okay. And it's very tangent. Very tangible, is it? Yeah, tangible. It's a tangible whiff of tangent.

Right. It's noodle time. The kitchen is across from the House of Pickles. Chanel number two. What do you mean, Chanel number two? Think about it. Like BBC two, like Chanel perfume, Chanel number two. The odour of shit, mate.

Oh, you got that from fucking something else, didn't you? Yeah. Can you remember the sauce? Yeah. What was it? Hot sauce and Kona. What are you talking sauce? Yeah. What was it? Hot sauce. And Kona. What are you talking about?

Oh, I'm not allowed to be random, am I? Oh no, Eli can go Bibble Bobble. It's always Bibble Bobble! Why is it Bibble Bobble? Come on, say something nonsense that isn't Bibble Bobble.

For ten seconds. Hinger dot dot dot. Hinger dot. Oh look, he's doing his Scandi thing. I'm sick of it. You've got a repertoire of literally about four basic noise types that you fucking do.

One of them is oity-toity-toit, which you just did. Oity-toity-toit. Dinky-donky-doity-toit. And then it's, when you're mocking it, it's Bibble-bop. It's not Bibble-bop. I do not ever go, ooh, Bibble-bopple, Bibble-bopple. I say things like, Radney, Radney Jareth. You could easily do me. Just say Radney Jareth You could easily do me Just say Radney Jareth

Or something like that Mahogany Jareth Now it's noodle time Paul I love a noodle You quite like a noodle We're looking at some noodles now So what's going to happen Is I'm going to introduce the noodles

And then I'm going to prepare them And then we're going to have a quick taste Are you okay with that? Grafton Hong Plock. Yeah. Come on. If you wrote Grafton Hong Plock and I wrote McGlably Sheesh, who's, you know. What is this podcast about anymore?

They'd be able to tell who said it. It's not about anything. Do you know what, Paul? Nothing is about anything. When you look what, Paul? Nothing is about anything. When you look under, when you look under the meaning carpet, there's all non-meaning under there and it's a whole ocean of it

and it's just a thin membrane of meaning on top of the ocean and non-meaning. No, I was, right, so, I was closing my eyes then when you were speaking to me and I had your voice coming in directly to my ears and all of a sudden, I felt like I was listening to a fucking demented self-help tape i started freaking out i'm going for right whoa that's what i'm going for i had to stop that okay

paul a nice looking noodle here this is an exciting noodle this is not a noodle but it is an instant pasta product now we were sent three noodles by one person in the PO box. I'm not sure who it was now because various boring reasons. I lost the note. So I think it might be Stew, a.k.a. Milky. But if it's not, please email us and we'll credit you next time. Very all very good noodles that I haven't seen before. I'm looking at the other two, which we're not going to say. Yeah, but just very quickly, the two were.

You've got a Nissin. All three of these are Nissin, which were the original producers of instant noodles. Yeah. With their noodle cup. Cup noodle or whatever was then. The O-N. It was the first one. The O-I-N.

And in the annals of my noodle worship, obviously, a big one for me was their tonkotsu black garlic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is nice as well. Nice noms. Yes. Now, this one is a nice nom. Nice noms. Yes. Now, this one is a Tokyo soy sauce. You know, they're so good. They are a Japanese company,

but they actually have totally different... You know, in Japan, you can get ramen and you get different types for the regions. Yeah. Basically. They do all of them.

Yeah, no... They do, you know, they do... You can have a version that is quite specific to one part of Japan and it's available in London for 70p.

Listen, Tokyo soy sauce. Haven't tried that one. Really want to try that one. Sate flavour again. That's peanutty, right? Yeah. I wonder if that's a wet pack. I reckon it's probably a wet pack to get the little...

Like a little wet sauce that you put in at the end. Like a peanut butter sort of sachet. So is this one that you don't have like a soup, like you boil it all off and then add it then maybe mix the sauce in? No, it's not stir-fried flavour.

It is a sort of soup. Oh. Interesting. But the one we are going to look at today is? One we're going to look at today is sesame oil chicken flavour. It's not a noodle though.

No. This is instant macaroni, Paul. Now. I've had this before, this sort of instant noodle style instant macaroni. Yeah, it works. Now, are've had this before, this sort of instant noodle style, instant macaroni. Yeah, it works. Now, are we breaking any rules by using a macaroni in the noodle kitchen? It's not. It is a noodle. And also, I guess that's true, actually. Yeah.

You know, you hear people in America, they refer to like a noodle soup will have macaroni in it, won't it? Yeah. See what I mean? So there's a sort of grey area. There's the definition sort of noodle can be any pasta really if you think about it yeah spaghetti is it minestrone minestrone has has macaroni or other bits of pasta or spaghetti well what minestrone has is there's this stuff which is basically broken bits of pasta from the bottoms of the the containers yeah which they sweep up and they'll sell for a cheap price. Do you see what I mean? It's bits of rigatoni, bits of penne, bits of...

Sweepings, a bag of sweepings. Basically, it's sweepings. But now you can get it in shops because it's perfect for the soup. It has a bit of texture. Minestrone-style soups. Yeah, but there's different bits. So this isn't a cheese macaroni.

It's going to be a creamy one? It's sesame oil chicken flavour. Okay. Interesting. So it is a, you know... Let me have a little look. It feels loose in the bag. It is a sort of Japanese flavour.

Yeah, and it's loose in the bag. I reckon it's a one packer. Instant macaroni is huge in other parts of the world as well, Paul. Is it? Like, they have it in America, don't they? They have mac and cheese that you just do. You just boil a pan and the whole lot goes in. Yeah, Kraft mac and cheese.

I love that stuff. It's similar, isn't it? So the pasta's in that, in the Kraft mac and cheese. Yeah, but it's a powder that you get in with it. Then you mix it with milk, don't you, to thicken it. This is just going to be much more efficient probably. Add macaroni into 500 millilitres of boiling water and cook for three minutes. Remove from heat.

Pour hot water and macaroni into bowl. Add base and seasoning oil. So this looks like it could be a soup packet. It's a soup noodle. It's a soup macaroni into bowl, add base and seasoning oil. So this looks like it could be a soup packet. It's a soup noodle. It's a soup macaroni. Very strange. Very strange. And it does serve two, this one.

That's the other thing I was going to say. This is the size of a standard noodle packaging, isn't it? But it's much more loose. You know that pasta expands when it takes on the water as it cooks. It's much more sort of condensed at first, obviously. Yes. You know that pasta expands when it takes on the water as it cooks. It's much more sort of condensed at first, obviously. Yes. You know?

Yes. So it'll take on some size with the water, whereas your normal instant noodle doesn't. No. It's already cooked in the palm oil, unfortunately.

Let's hope it's not palm oil. You know, I hope they're moving away from palm oil. We can only hope. Yes. Now, the other noodle, Paul, just briefly, I just wanted to mention this one.

Yeah. Because it looks like it's got spunk in it, doesn't it? It's very white, this one. It's a sort, Paul, just briefly. I just wanted to mention this one. Yeah. Because it looks like it's got spunk in it, doesn't it? It's very white, this one. It's a sort of Polish sort of white onion soup, would you say? It's a garlic. It's obviously a garlic and spring

onion noodle. I want to look that up because I think there's something creamy in that that looks like spunk to me. Well, isn't it? A garlic sauce would be quite creamy anyway. It looks like someone's dripping a big dollop of their special crema on this, on this noodle.

Just wanted to mention that, Paul. You wanted to mention that, yes. A creamy sauce on a noodle. A gloopy, gloopy spunk drop on the noodle. We'll be showing you this on the website.

There'll be photos of all of it. Well, and that's the clinching deal for you. That's the one thing that is the, mm, I must buy that now. It's like you weren't sold on it until you saw

the drippies bit of bollocks splash. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah? I always look for, I must buy that now. It's like you weren't sold on it until you saw the drippies bit of bollocks splash. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah? I always look for symbolic representations of bollocks splash in all products. Why does it improve the meal? Because you think, oh, I'm eating the seed,

the seed of man. Right. The seed, the seed of a horse. Now, we've got another noodle for you. Yes, we do, Paul. You see, here's the thing. I don't want to eat anything now that you've made me imagine.

I'll wash my hands. I haven't touched my penis. I'm not thinking of that. I'm thinking of I don't want to put anything creamy in my mouth no more. Paul, not that this is creamy I just mentioned that we're not eating that one I just mentioned it

because it's a spunky looking noodle that's why yeah but that chicken one looks creamy now as well this is a Turkish noodle and it's by a company

called Obamie or Obamie or O-B-A-M-I-E right I have no idea about Turkish pronunciation but I've never seen

you know have a little look the spunky one is Polish. We've had Polish ones. This one, we need to get the translator out. We'll do it once. Well, it just says

vegetable flavour, so I might... It's a veg one, okay. And a Yeni SOS new seasoning. I just have never seen these before and I want to give them a try, so I'm going to do that one as well. It's a soup one as well.

So another three minutes in the pan one. Looks like it. Okay, I can have these whipped up in 15 minutes, mate. Well, in a change from the norm, we're going to send Eli away now to the noodle kitchen where he will work in private and in secret on these recipes.

And if one of them comes back even with a hint of spoff, I'm not putting it in my mouth. It's not going to be spoffy at all, mate. It's just like you've put all this filth in my head now, and I'm upset. You've soured the flavour for me, because now all I can think of, big lashings of man milk. Lashings and lashings of man milk.

Yeah, lashings and lashings of fizzy man milk. Oh, I've got my crispy tots out, and I'm going to lash my man milk on it. Heffler! Again, mate. Oh! Oh! There's been rock fall at that Mount Grot Pans Oh dear

Okay How many lives lost? It was fine It was in the lower levels Yeah, no squiggles damaged No, the scribbles are all They're not here this time of year No, they're not

Where do they migrate to? I don't know They fuck off. Right, why don't you fuck off to your kitchen and come back. So what are you making? The Turkish one and the macaroni one. Turkish vegetable one, only me. And, of course, Nissan sesame oil chicken flavour macaroni.

Right, well, in that case, join us in a few moments. It'll be a few minutes for us, but it'll be instantaneous almost for you. See you in a sec. And he's hot, back from the noodle kitchen. Cooked the Nissan macaroni. Pictures available on the website, thecheapshop.co.uk. It's sesame oil chicken flavour. Yes.

It was a classic two-packer, oil pack and soup base. So the oil pack goes in at the same time as the... All goes in together, three minutes, and it serves two. It's thickened quite a lot, hasn't it? It's grown. The macaroni has grown. I'm just going to get a few on this fork. All right.

Make sure you don't burn yourself. It's all right. It's a bit... What's the word I'm looking for? It's a bit kind of empty. Anemic. Yeah. It doesn't have a lot of front.

It's very watery. You can imagine with a load... Yes, it's too watery, isn't it? Yeah. What you need is to pimp the hell out of it. You do. With a load of hot sauce, soy. I'd even put like a...

Something like tofu or something like... Like a cheese on it or something, maybe? Just sprinkle some parmesan or something on the top to thicken it. Yeah. This is what I felt when I had these before. It's a bit too watery. It's a bit too watery. As a quick snack...

Oh, it's fine. I mean, I hate to say this, but it almost tastes like of a super noodle. Yeah, it does. You know what I mean? It's got that creamy It's chicken, isn't it? It's chicken. Careful. It's got that creamy, milky,

spoffy, protein-y. No, I know what you mean mean It's stock It's that kind of stocky taste Yeah fake stock though Yes fake chicken stock Yeah That is the base

And although there is sesame oil there It doesn't cut through It doesn't cut through It's fine for what it is But yeah that would be In serious need of a pimping To be taken seriously In the big leagues

Six and a half Out of ten Yeah now let's eat this Wait I'm going to Give it six No one cares what you say Why not? Why don't No one cares what you say. Why not?

Why don't, why don't you? No one goes to you for noodles, mate. They come to me for unbiased noodle thoughts because I'm the

innocent. I'm the one who comes in without any preconception. I'm playing the noodle innocent. But I come in without any

preconceived ideas. I'm not an expert. I represent John Q listener or joanne q listener and uh i represent them so i represent the oh look paul i've bought a mini digger you know i'm mr tabula rasa you love that tabula rasa now i don't have time to chat shit with you right now why not because i have to prepare the second noodle which is the the Obami Turkish Vegetarian Soup Noodle. Oblada, life goes on.

Obami, Obama, life goes on. That was so awful. We don't have to worry about copyright. Go on, do your noodle. Off to the kitchen he goes. Okay, Paul, I'm back from the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. Yes.

And I've prepared the second noodle that we're going to taste today. Yes. It's the Oba Mi Turkish noodle. I've got spoiler alert on the noodle in terms of the half department. In the half department. It smells a bit like a toilet. Let me sniff the toilet bowl. It's a lemony, a sort of disinfectant-y smell.

Oh, God, do you know what I'm getting at? Thatony, a sort of disinfectant-y smell. Oh, God, do you know what I'm getting at? That does smell a bit like Dettol. Yes. Not a good sign, is it? No. Do you know what? This noodle in every way is trying to impersonate a very big brand.

Can you guess which one? Nissan. No. Tonkotsu. Tonkotsu is not a brand. It's a dish. Yes Yes you might be able to see If you look around the house of pickles There are noodles strewn as

Look over there I'm looking What have we got over there Two different types We've got Listen Actually I'll tell you what it is It's Indomie

Grab the Indomie No it's fine we'll move on Indomie No we're not moving on Oh god We're not moving on Paul Shouldn't have extrapolated We're not bloody moving on Paul. I shouldn't have extrapolated on my points. We're not bloody moving on, Paul.

People are interested in noodle content. This is nothing but noodle content. I'm going to discuss the relevant similarities between that noodle and this noodle, and here they are. Right. This Oba Me Turkish noodle, which I have just prepared and which we are going to taste. Yes. Is a thin copy of Indomie instant vegetable noodle. Yes.

Now, Indomie's big thing is they've got a very good oil pack. And you can always tell it's an Indomie oil pack. They just have an oil pack and stuff. And a flavour pack. It had two packets, but one pack was split into the chilli and the soup base. Right. You know, one pack with two packs in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Indomie.

So they're copying their whole sachet game. And then the other one is the oil one. The Indomie special ones have lots of ginger, and the oil pack has a sort of silty brown, and then there's the actual sort of lighter oil on top, so it's sort of two-tone. Do you see what I mean? You can see there's a lot of ingredients.

He's actually gone. He's gone, everyone. But anyway, it's imperson sort of two-tone. Do you see what I mean? You can see there's a lot of ingredients. He's actually gone. He's gone, everyone. But anyway, it's impersonating an Indomie noodle. Indomie. That is the Les Dennis of noodles. Now, I want you to get your... I've got my fork. Here we go. You want to taste this vegetable noodle. I'm amassing it upon one's fork. He's amassed a big gollop.

There they go, and he's got some juice on there. Get some oil in there. The smell is really putting me off. It's got a very dettol aftertaste. Up front, it's not too bad. I'm just going to get some of the broth. It's citrus fresh. That's where they've really gone wrong with that, haven't they?

Do you know? And indomie, going back to what impersonates, indomie noodles do lime ones. Yeah. But it never has that dettol-y hint. They manage it. They do it really well. When they haven't managed to do it with this. Is it a cultural thing?

Do you think maybe that flavour aftertaste is more usual with, is that turkey, did you say? Yeah, they like that more sort of astringent citrusy.

They do like a very, a lot of lemon in citrusy. So maybe it suits the market then. Interesting. Yes. Because you've noticed it as well.

There is a sort of more astringent than normal sort of lemon in it. Which has to say, it's the back end of it. The back end leaves a kind of very, whoops, I've just had some Mr. Muscle by accident. I've been trying to get high.

I've worked at WH Smith. It's killing me. And now I'm in the Illy Alleyway outside. Or I could grab. It got really cocky then. I'm in the Illy Alleyway. Outside and I'm huffing fucking Mr. Muscle I've sprayed into a Kleenex. Yeah, great.

What a vivid picture you've painted. Paul, just before we get off the noodles, so what would you give that? Three. I'd give it a three as well. Three out of ten from the boys. Fine, I'd eat it if I was desperate, but I'd pimp the shit out of it. Talking of pimpings for noodles, Paul. Yes.

You know what I've been getting into recently? I don't know if everyone's noticed this, but if you go to Oriental supermarkets. Yes. Chinese supermarkets I've been getting into recently? I don't know if everyone's noticed this, but if you go to Oriental supermarkets... Yes. Chinese supermarkets that sell East Asian food, you get these little sachets of preserved vegetables. Let's have a look. These are mustard... I like the mustard ones.

And there's a certain brand that do what they call preserved vegetable students. Not pickled. They are. Oh, they're pickled. It's pickled sort of roots and stuff. Yeah, like if you went to Wagga's or whatever, or a little thing, you'd get a little bowl of pickled fruit or veg.

Similar. I think those are more Japanese style, like the daikon. That is Japanese, yeah. But this is sort of the Chinese equivalent, all of these ones. So what is that then? What is actually pickled there? I think this is mustard root. Preserved mustard, salt, flavour enhancer.

And then what? You just add that to your noodle, chop it up? I have been. Yes. It depends. Sometimes it's pre-chopped. Right. They come in different flavours.

How much is that? It's literally about 50p for a pack. No, that's what I'm saying. And I get two noodles out of each one. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's not for everyone's taste.

And if you went to a Chinese restaurant, it's the type of stuff that would be in the hot and sour soup. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Sort of vegetable matter. Yes. You know what I'm getting at?

Yes. Yeah. Well, anyway, I think they're simply sort of yeah yeah you know sort of vegetable matter yes you know what i'm getting at yes yeah well anyway i think they're great deal and they really pimp up certain flavors of noodle it works with more on the chinese side uh if you were looking into the distance again anyway i don't need to be i love the podcast so mentally i'm not i love talking about noodles anything noodle related and uh a bit of a boring little pair of noodles I have to admit today Paul it was a boring pair of noodles oh on the sauce I'm just going to fit a sauce report in here I know he hasn't got a jam report but I've got a sauce report do you remember someone gave us a

sauce that was in the shape of a grenade do you remember that anyway I've been using it on eggs and it is it's explosive mean, in the flavour department. It's like someone threw a flavour grenade into my mouth and it went spoosh and then I had all flavour maximo-sci in the old palette. Paul's brain, are you all right? Paul's brain! Do you want me to get it? Come here, Paul.

Yeah, can you go get Paul's brain over there? Come here! Come here, you! Get off! I don't want to go back! Come on, Paul's brain! Don't make me go back! Come on, ghostbusters! Oh, mate.

Is Paul's brain back? I don't want to be here. Is Paul's brain back? Yeah, I don't want to be here. Have you finished your noodle thing? Where's the jam? I was off playing hippie skip scotch with my friends. Look, there's someone here who wants to talk to you about the jam, because I didn't...

Sorry, I let him in. i let him in the podcast hey hey hi paul hey it's don mcnovan i think we met once or twice before i i heard you got a a new thing now i i been working just take my card before we go anywhere take my card you take my card i've been working... Just take my card. Before we go anywhere, take my card. You take my card. I've been working in the jams and the preserves for years. I'm on strike. I've been working in them for years. I'm striking. What about the jam news thing? I can help you with that. I got contacts in the world of jam.

I did a mustard guy. I did a little YouTube channel for this mustard guy last year. That's going to let me struggle. The guy's blowing up. That's going to let me struggle. The guy's blowing up. That's going to let me struggle. Have you seen me before I've done McNugget? Eli. What?

Why is he ignoring me? I come in here in good faith. I come down around here and I say to him in good faith, I want to help him. I want to help this little fella. I want to get the guy and I give him a little hand up with the jam news. People, people, what he doesn't understand is he touched her. He touched her.

He touched something in the public. Everybody out. Clear the shop floor. Everybody out. Where's he going now? Strike. All right, Don, thanks. Paul's done a fake walkout, everyone.

He can't take the characterization't take the characterisation or prolonged improvisationary skill of his co-host, so he has to go and then looking about Ghostbusters enough, or whatever you want to talk about you prick. Come on wheel it back round fake walkout, he always loves it in here

you love it a fake walkout in the house of the pickles, don't you? I want to speak to the manager of this podcast. Uh podcast Yeah it's up there Alright Come in Hello I'm Paul Gannon I'm one of your workers

In this podcast Am I speaking to the manager That's right Who are you John Don't you dare invent a character I want to speak to Eli Silverman

He represents Cheap Show PLLC I'll just see if he's here No there's no character No I'll see him Hello Eli I think. He represents Cheap Show PLLC. I'll just see if he's here. No, there's no character. No, I'll see him. Hello, Eli. I think he's there. Hello, it's exactly the problem. I'm bringing... Oh, right, here I am, Eli. I'm here. Right. No, I'm the manager, yes. Yes.

What do you want? Me and the factory line. The factory line? Like who? I only see you here. It's me. I don't see anyone else here. Little Alan and, er, Fatata on job. Just Fatata. There's a character called Fatata now, is there? I want to see Fat else here. Little Alan. And Fatata. Just Fatata. There's a character called Fatata now, is there? I want to see Fatata.

No, I'm not going to. No, I just want to say that I refuse to work on this podcast anymore if Eli carries on. I'm Eli. I know. I'm Eli. I'm reporting you to you. I'm going straight to the source. Okay. But what's your issue?

I just can't work under these conditions anymore. And unless there are drastic changes to the output of this podcast, I refuse to be in it. Well, I want Eli to have a reduced role. I want him to have at least no more than 700 words per episode. Okay. I'm Eli, and I'm happy to fit to the 700 words. Yeah?

Yeah. If you want it out of your own pocket, you have to get a word counter of some sort can i suggest yes little mickey word counter bob that's what he's called mickey word count he's on the desk here here he comes oh oh mickey bob me count a word you do you want to say something i'll count it it. Count this. Two. Fuck off. Four. One.

Two. Stop it. What? Two? You can't even count. Five. You can't count. That was three.

That was three. That was three. And that was three. And that was four. The three again. Sorry. I'll go back under. You're shit.

There he goes. You're shit. Oh, a little cutie. What a cutie he is. Billy Word Counter Bob. He was quite cute. He had rosy What a cutie he is. Billy Word Counter Bob. He was quite cute. He had rosy cheeks. Billy Word Counter Bob. Billy Word Counter Bob.

I can't take this. Come on, Paul. This is exactly the issues I have. No, if you take control of this podcast, it'll become some kind of darderous nightmare. Well, become is a strong word there, isn't it? An oral darderous nightmare. Yes, I think we should put that on our posters.

Maybe we should actually. Cheap show, an oral Dardarist nightmare. I hate this show. Come on. Right, we're going straight into it. It's a Ganon's Golden Games meets Life Hacks. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I could just play it now.

And I did. Yes. So I was in a charity shop yesterday, and I was thinking, funnily enough, at the time, I thought, we haven't done Life Hacks in years, really, properly, because you never bothered. And the ones you did come up with were absolute fucking... Well, I could only think of, don't own a dog,

and you don't need to buy toilet paper. I don't think they can be surpassed. No, you also had the put those little pots of sauce on the pizza in the middle of a patio table. Oh, they fit. They do fit. Yeah. Where would you put the umbrella?

What umbrella? That goes in that hole when you have a patio table of that size. You just put that on a different table. So then it's useless. You're another. Well, it's not even a life hack because it makes things more complicated. I don't want to take abuse from you like this. I don't need to take it.

I don't have to. I don't have to sit here and get your abuse. Go see management then and complain to them. I fucking will. Go on then. All right. HR. I've spoken to him before.

Where's he? Up here? He's up there. Go speak to him. Hello? Hello. You can come in. I've been expecting you, Mr Silverman.

Hello, it's Paul. What about him this week? You know you've done like seven reports every week. He keeps giving up on improvisations. He's blocking me. He keeps blocking me on the improvisations. No, he's not. He got too meta there.

He got too meta. You're confused, man. confused come on let's do the game it's gonna i got freaked out then right right okay so uh so yeah i was thinking we have done life hacks in a while it'd be nice to bring it back but then i saw this on a shelf and it was like this is not only life hacks in a tin but it's a game we can play it's called the amazing life hacks card game oh so the basic gist is there are there are life hacks on here so it would be like how how's best to get rid of a zit and that will give you three options and one of them is the real life hack and you've got to figure out which one of those three options it is

it's that simple yes first one to five cards Now, if you pull a card out that says steal, whoever's reading asks the question, right? And if you get it right, well done. But if you got it wrong, you have to give me one of your cards that you've won. When am I playing my steal card? When it gets randomly drawn from the pack. Show me.

I'll show you. I've been having a great time since the charity shops reopened, just on a side note, Paul. It's been nice to go back and have a little wonder. I've been overspending in charity shops, just because it's a novelty. We should mention, I went to a charity shop the other day, and you know, we have Tomy's... Was it Yarg?

Yarg. Yeah. We had that, and we got it online in an auction for about seven quid. But I went into a charity shop the other day, saw it mint in box almost, for two pounds. Very good. And it was in about the same condition as the other one, except there's a bit of damage. Something I can hopefully fix. You're going to open it up

and do a bit of surgery. A bit of surgery. Retro gaming surgery. I might retro-write it. I wish I could actually. That'd be cool. I bought this visor. Yeah, the visor hat. Your shit visor hat. And we've got all those pins. That makes you look like a grotty tennis player. Oh, I found the butter pin. Great. Can we concentrate on the game? I don't care about your butter pins. I'm just look like a grotty tennis player. Oh, I found the butter pin. Great. Can we concentrate on the game?

I don't care about your butter pins. I'm just going to put this hat on. Yeah, good. It makes you look like an absolute spanner. Right, so. By the way, wet wipes in case you need them. Great. So here's a stack of cards.

Each card on the back. Is this a magic trick? What are you going to do? Guess a card. Ace of hearts. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Do you want to get through this? Gas, gas, gas. So on a card. Who gets a card? I don't understand. I'm sorry I'm sorry do you want to do you want to come on Gansgal Gansgal so on a card well who gets a card I don't understand we take like the shuffle this pile right

you're in the middle you take a card and you read it to me and I have to guess which one of the three life hacks is the one that's effective right however

you may pull out a random steel card steel card so whoever reads it asks the person if they get it right you move on if you get it right you move on. If you get it wrong

that reader takes one of your cards away. Right? So I'll take one from you if you get it wrong. So if I'm reading the card and it's a steel card you won't know

until you've answered whether it was a steel card or not. No, you have to say at the beginning because I know what the stakes are. So it means if I get it wrong you get one of my cards. I think I can pick this up

as we go along. Yes. How long are we going to play for? First one to five cards Oh is that it? First to five? Well it's one each isn't it? So we can get ten out of it

We'll see what happens First to five Should we do it like tennis? Where you have to get clear two ahead No No I'd hate that Just because you're wearing the visor

I am I'm feeling well Tennessee Hello Hello I'm well Tennessee And I play tennis Spitspot Hello Oh well well I'm here Tennessee and I play tennis. Spitspot, hello. Oh, well, I'm here for my lesson.

I'm Montgomery Blue Balls. I don't care. I got hot balls. You didn't want to embrace it. Stop bouncing up and down on your bed. I got hot balls. Oh, maybe they'll cool off if I use this tennis. I'll use the net as a sort of straddle for my

nuts and then they'll cool off. Worst. Gurry blue balls. Yee-haw. Worst thing ever. Worst thing. Worst you ever. Fuck off.

Right, I'm going to put these questions now on the pile, and I'm going to pick the first one first. On the pile? You're going to put the questions? You're throwing me off. I need to concentrate and be in tip-top condition for this podcast. He really is losing it today, people. And I am that far away from clouting you.

Stop! Threats of physical violence will not be met with anything but... I'm most disrespected. I'm ready to play, Paul. I'm ready to play this Gander's Golden Games. Life hacks. Best of five. Let's do it.

You going first? I'm going to take the first one. Here we go. There are two questions on the back. You can pick which one you want to ask the person in this case you i can pick one now are you so yeah right and we'll hit me with it so what do i have to do i want to pick out the real one from these three guys okay here we go if you want to make some sweet dreams, make sure you... A. Sleep on the right-hand side of your body.

B. Drink a glass of apple juice before going to bed. Or C. Wear nothing but a T-shirt. Which one of those three will guarantee you'll have sweet dreams tonight? I know this one. Yeah? And I've found it to be true. What? Sleep on your right side.

It's because of the positioning of the entrance to the stomach and the body. Right. So if you're on your left, you're more likely to sort of have it at an angle where it will pour upwards. And you get sort of discomfort. Right. So on the right side, it's the other way. Right. And it sort of settles more.

I've noticed when I go on to my left side, I start to get indigestion. But I'm talking about sweet dreams, not about your guts. Well, I'm extrapolating. I'm saying these sweet dreams, they mean like a good sleep. Yes. And if you've got gurgling all nasty acid on your left. No, it means you have to have sweet dreams. Whether you're going to have lovely dreams about angels.

No, no, no. Anyway, I've given my answer. I think I'm right anyway. So you think it's A, sleep on the right-hand side of your body. Yes. The answer is B, drink a glass of apple juice before you go to bed. Why?

And you'll have lovely sweet dreams. Oh, fuck off. This is shit. Because apple juice is sweet. It'll rot your teeth. It'll rot your teeth. It's full of sugar, especially concentrate.

It's only one glass before bed. What's your favourite fruit juice? Pomegranate. It's not, though. It is, actually. Oh, it is, actually. And I love pomegranate. I think apple is my favourite. What's that drink brand that I like that has Pomegranate. It's not, though. It is, actually. Oh, it is, actually. And I love pomegranate. I think apple is my favourite.

What's that drink brand that I like that has pomegranate? Rubicon. Rubicon. You like the pomegranate? Yeah, I do. Why? What does it remind you of? I don't know.

It's just one of my most refreshing drinks. Do you like the fizzy or the still? Fizzy. I prefer the fizzy. I always prefer the fizzy. You know what we should do? Another Soju Turk episode. Yeah, we should.

And when it gets hot, we'll return. Yeah, we'll break it out. And he'll be like, I'm a homer, homer, I'm a homer, homer, homer, I'm a homer, homer, homer, I'm still drinking my soda. Do you want to pick a card now?

I'm drinking my soda. So, you didn't get that, so that goes to the pile now. So, you ask me one of those life hacks. Maybe try these at home, ladies and gentlemen, once we've read them out. See if they're effective.

Comment and reply. Paul. Yes. Hammering a nail, but don've read them out. See if they're effective. Comment and reply. Paul. Yes. Hammering a nail, but don't want to hit your fingers? I don't. I hate that when you hit your thumb when you're hammering stuff. Oh, it's painful. Well.

Yeah. To remedy that, would you? A. Simply hold the nail with a clothes peg. Okay. B. First, glue the nail to the wall using a glue gun. Or C.

Bunch three nails together each time. It's the peg. It has to be the peg one. Put a peg on and it will keep it flat so you knock your thumbs on in the way. Makes sense? I like the idea. Yeah, you're right. Yay.

You got one. So there you go. There's a life hack for you. You get to keep that then. I get to keep it. That's my first. I'll read one for Mr. Silverman now. Here we go.

Okay, I'm ready. I need to get one off the board, off you? I get to keep it. That's my first. I'll read one for Mr. Silverman now. Here we go. Okay, I'm ready. I need to get one off the board, off the go. Oh, here's one you'll actually find probably very useful, actually, to all the hairy people in the world. All the hairy, hairy people. All the hairy people. All the hairy people. Want to strengthen your hair and prevent dandruff, you like?

Well, I don't actually need that because I don't suffer from dandruff. My hair is extremely robust. It's wiry. It's almost pubic. It's almost pubic. It's very pubic. You've got a head of pubes. I've got a thick, lustrous head of hair. You're a pubic peanut.

That's what I'm going to call you. I am the pubic peanut. I come from down your way and I go boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. Anyway, so you want to strengthen your hair, Eli, and prevent dandruff. Do you have a problem with dandruff? I don't, but I'm going to imagine. I'm going to put myself in the position of someone who does. Right, okay.

So A. Like my dad. Here we go. A. Just add a little vodka to your shampoo. Vodka's a shampoo. Vodka's shampoo. B. Just use conditioner without using any shampoo. Or C. Only wash your hair in cold water

Which one of those three Will strengthen your hair and prevent dandruff What was the first one again? First one was add a little vodka Add a little vodka to your shampoo I don't think that's the one And then we've got conditioner but no I mean I do often just condition

Without using shampoo And I don't suffer from dandruff. Maybe that's the answer. But I can't be right because you're putting some gunk into you. I'm going to go for B, condition with no shampoo and not the cold water or the vodka. You said B. The answer is A, just use a little vodka in your shampoo. Oh, fuck off.

Have a little snifter. Drink the vodka and then weep as your hair flakes all over the shop. I don't know why. It doesn't say why, but that's how you do it. Drink the vodka and then think, oh, I'm pissed and I've got the pissed munchies. I'm going to have to eat my dandruff. I'm going to flake it off into the pan. That's a life hack for you, yeah.

When hungry, fry up a little bit of your dandruff, you sad bastard. It's not a life hack. I want a dandruff fritter. Ooh, scabby. Oh, Christ. Scabs isn't dandruff. Yeah, but you get enough of them together, they form a scab. You disgust me.

It's all skin, isn't it? You can make a nice omelette. Dandruff omelette. A scab and dandruff omelette. Pube and dand, pubes for you. Sprinkle of the pubes for you Shut up Tommy Clock checker

Bob or whatever his name is No he's under the desk man Upstairs in the place that we didn't He's under the desk upstairs in the place You know in the HR office Pick one for me Okay I'm still not on the board yet

I've got one card You've got another chance This is your chance Paul To take the lead by two cards. All right, here we go. Pick one of those from the two. Forgot to put on deodorant? And you don't want to smell like the gym?

Oh, I don't. Oh, I always go to the gym. You can see by my physique. You don't want to smell like the gym? You don't want to smell sweaty? Listen, when I get sweaty, I don't smell like the gym. Yeah. I smell like an alley full of fucking dead cats.

Yeah, you smell like someone's shat in a curry tin outside a nightclub. A curry tin? Yeah. Are you ready for your question? Please read the question. Are you ready? No. Are you ready?

Yeah, so I don't want to smell and I don't have any deodorant. What do you do? Right. You don't have deodorant. Stop yourself smelling, Paul. Go for it. A. Lick your hands and then rub them all over your bob-bod. Really?

Yes. Okay. B. Simply cut a fresh orange or lemon in half and rub it into your skin. Right. Or C. Find a dry bar of soap and rub it into your skin. Okay, so... So you've got A. Lick your hands, rub it all over. Yeah, that's not going to work.

B. Fresh lemon or orange, rub it in you. I'm imagining skin as pits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Concentrate on the pits, don't you? Yeah, that's really weird. It's worse. Or C, dry bar of soap. Just rub a dry bar of soap on.

So here's what I'm going to suggest. I'm going to say, it's not going to be lick your hand, because look, sometimes your breath fucking stinks. It's never going to be lick your hand. You don't want to rub your saliva and rub it on your pits. It's loads of bacteria. You'll just end up smelling like a gob. Just one big, dirty gob.

Which is awful. Yeah. Because if you ever sniffed, like, the top of your lip and just got a... Sometimes got a bit of a whiff. A bit of a spitty whiff on the top of your lip. Yeah. And thought, oh, that's what the inside of my mouth tastes like. I don't think it's the dry bar of soap one.

Because, like, if you can find a dry one, then you must be able to just find a wet one and wash. So just wash. Yeah, but you don't have time just find a wet one and wash. So just wash. Yeah, but you don't have time. You do. You're going to rub it on. It's just like... Like a stick.

Like a deodorant stick. Like a deodorant stick, isn't it? All right. I'm going to go with B anyway. The lemon and lime. Rub it on. You're right. Yeah.

All right. Mate, maybe that's what grapefruit came from. Yes, it probably did. Because it will deodorize the smelly pee-pees. Yes. What fruit? I would use a pomegranate. On your novice?

Yeah. You'd probably get all the seeds stuck down your meatus. That wouldn't be good. No, but I could fire it out like one of those comedy airplanes. You wouldn't be able to fire it out. They'd have to open up your ball sack from below. No, I heard about the guy who did anal, and then he got a piece of sweetcorn at the base of his urethra.

Of his meatus? Yeah. And then what? Like the little kernel a piece of sweet corn at the base of his urethra. Yeah. And then what? Like the little kernel inside. A massive corn on the cob grew out of it. No, they had to surgically... Take off his penis? Yeah.

Why? Because he had one bit of corn. A little nugget inside a... You know the little seed bit inside a corn nugget? A corn... He had a bit of vegetable matter in his penis. Right at the base. And what? So why did they have to remove it then? Because it was stuck down there and it was infected.

And it was all swelling. It was all swelling. I really didn't want to go there, but I did. Why did you go there, though? Can you ask me? I was just going to talk about having sex with different types of fruit for different effects. Well, just be careful you don't get any corn down your metres. That's what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is, onion's not good. Orange is any corn down your metres. That's what I'm saying. What I'm saying is onion's not good. Orange is fine. Lemon's fine. Lemon's probably better than orange. I would not use, for instance, banana.

I think that would be a bad one to smush in. I wouldn't use apple. It wouldn't have the deodorising effect. I think citrus is alone in the family of fruits. What you could do

is get a tangerine, you know, the little segments. Put them under an armpit and just go, squeeze it. You know what would probably be good? Bergamot. Bergamot? Bergamot that they make a great tea with.

Did you know that that's a little orange type fruit? I did not know that. It's weird, isn't it? You'd think it was a herb or something, but it's not. It's a citrus fruit. Bored now, moving on. So you could rub that, rub some bergamot, and then you go, hello, I'm Lady Grey. I've got stingy pits. You could just like dangle your tackle in a in a open

tin suck suck the stingy pits you fucking pleb right you could wash your dank you know you by opening a tin of uh fruit cocktail and just giving it a splish splash the way you were doing that he was miming he's doing that it was like you were opening the actual can though I couldn't understand that Ametis was grabbing onto it oh dear he got

oh his little mouth has he got like jaws teeth like metal teeth no you know what it's like it's like one of those you know heist movies

where they put a sucker on a pane of glass yeah it's like that's what it is it's you've got an horrible lamprey Ametis yeah do I have lamprey Ametis right it's It's You've got an horrible Lamprey meters Yeah

Do I have lamprey meters Right Right It's my turn I've got to get on the board here Here we go Oh here's a good one for you Right

To cook in one You might know this The best way to cook asparagus Is to A. Use lemonade instead of water Fucking hell B. Microwave them alongside A glass of whiskey

Or C. Place them stalked down In a pot of boiling water. C? Yeah. Stupid. That wasn't a life fact. That was just, here's how you cook it. But there's your card.

I'm glad I got one. Yeah, you got one versus my two. Now, this is your chance for three to keep your lead at two. Yes, I'm looking forward to this. The easy way to clean a dirty toilet bowl is is to laugh at it with the tongue oh get your fucking meter slant prey on there vacuum meters lamprey sucking on a bog word count bob uh the easy way a pour a can of Coke into the bowl

Leave overnight Then flush B. Rub the bowl with newspaper That has been soaked in olive oil C. Spray a little bug spray Directly into the bowl Wait five minutes And flush

So, pour a can of Coke into the bowl Leave overnight And flush Rub the bowl with newspaper that. Yite. And flush. Coke. Rub the bowl with newspaper that has been soaked. News and olive oil. In olive oil. Yeah. Doesn't say flush.

Doesn't say flush. Never flush the bog again. Is that what you're meant to do? No, maybe. Shit. So the shit piles up in a great big separating heap. I don't think they're impairing that. Ugh.

It smells of olive oil. Please focus. Do I put salt on? Or, see. Spray a little bug spray directly into the bowl. Wait five minutes. And flush. Please focus. Do I put salt on or C? Spray a little bug spray directly into the bowl. Wait five minutes. And flush. I'm going to go ahead and say it's definitely A, Coca-Cola.

Because I'm pretty sure I've seen that on a telly show. You can't stop. Not one mistake so far from Paul. Oh, here's a good one. Here's a good one. So, you want to get rid of a splinter, but you don't know how to do it the painless way. Oh.

I've had that before. I get a red hot needle. Yeah. And then I scrape away at the skin. It's like cutting yourself. Over hours, hours, hours, hours, hours. Like sore. And then you go, squeeze it out, squeeze it out.

Oh, it's going to go straight to my heart if I don't get it soon. We've all been there. So here's the thing. What are my options? Is it A, add some wood glue, let it dry, and peel it off? Wood glue to what? My foot? Where have you got the splinter?

So if you've got the splinter in your finger, you put a dollop of it and then let it dry and then peel it off. What if I've got the splinter inside my meters? Then you've got other problems. I've got to put glue down there. If I had a splinter in my penis I would be waiting around. I'd be off to the hospital

ASAP. Okay. What? I'll just sit around with wood glue on my dick. It'll work its way out. Right. So A.

Wood glue. Let it dry. Peel it off. B. Super glue. Let it dry. Rub it off. Oh shit.

Or C. Add some grease like lard. Leave it for 10 minutes and rub off. Rub off? Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, see. Add some grease. Like lard. Leave it for ten minutes and rub off. Rub off? Yeah. Jack off, rub off, spuff off.

What are you doing in there, Paul? I'm getting a splinter out, mother. I've got a huge splinter in me meat. There's some pouring glue down and rubbing it off. Oh, I'll come in and suck the splinter out. And so on and so on. Fucking so on. And so on And so on and so on. Fucking so on. And so on and so on and so on. Oh, spoffnichonny.

Shut up! Right, which one is it? Spoffers. Wood glue, super glue, grease. Wood glue, super glue, grease, glue, Spiderman, Batman and Robin 2. I'd say grease. It is A. Wood glue. Fuck that. grease. It is A. Wood glue.

Fuck that. Let it dry, peel it off. This is a shit game. You read one for me now. I'm on three and Eli's only got one. If you get this one you're going to be match point.

Yeah, match point. Paul. Yes. A great way to get younger children to behave Right. in public Yes.

is to punch them in the mouth. A. Punch them. Out. In the gob. A. Kick them. Kick them in the mouth. A. Punch them. Out. In the gob. A. Kick them.

Kick a child in the face with a boot on. How old is this child you're kicking in the face, sir? Seven, eight months. When was this? It was in the park last week. Oh! No, Paul, you've gone too dark. What, for kicking a baby in the face?

Yes! Out of a pram? I don't even want to think about this. Like, munching a baby. I shouldn't have. I knew I shouldn't have read this card. I knew I shouldn't have. All right.

So, okay. Looking after a child, a naughty child in the park. What do I do? It says. Right. So more than one. More than one. Threaten to sing loudly.

Smack the eldest. No, don't. To make an example. And so they all live in fear. If you get... I'm not even going to say it. Just read the question. I'm not going to say it.

Good. That was actually too bad. Mark today's date, ladies and gentlemen. Eli, use restraint. There's Pigeon there looking the question. I'm not going to say it. That was actually too bad. Mark today's date loads, Delman. Eli, use restraint. There's Pidge in there looking at me. That's what's putting me off. Oh, he's off now. A great way to get younger children to behave in public is...

A. Yes. Threaten to sing loudly unless they start to behave. Yeah. B. B. Promise them some ice cream if they stop. C.

C. Start to behave badly yourself. So, A. A. Try not to sing loudly unless they start to behave. Right. B. B. Promise them an ice cream if they stop. Right.

C. C. Start to behave badly yourself. I'm going to say A. That seems to be the only one with practical in your mouth. Fucking stop getting these right. Is it? Hey. Yeah.

Because why would you behave badly yourself? That would be worse. If your kids are crying, then you throw yourself on the ground and start crying and kicking your leg. That one's easier. Is it like shitting on a park bench in front of your kids oh behave

yeah behave I mean what though you know what I mean dad I'll behave yeah please stop fucking that bin exactly yeah

I'm giving the bin the beans darling bin the beans bin the beans darling daddy I'll behave I knew I shouldn't have read that card. Right, my turn.

It looks like you've won, Paul. My turn. There's a big upset and I have an unbroken run. Oh, here's one for Eli. You've got to get this. You've got to get this. It'll be my only second card. Here we go.

You've got to get this. Right. To neutralise the heat sensation after eating something really spicy. Oh, yeah. See, now you're in your wheelhouse. So you've got to step up. Transgeminal inflammation. A. Do you drink a glass of water with some lemon juice in it?

B. Hold your nose and blow until you feel your ears pop. Oh, fuck. That's actually dangerous. Or C. Eat a teaspoon of sugar. Which one of those three will help neutralize the heat after eating something spicy? Lemon, blow your ears out, or sugar. Not what I was expecting. I was expecting something else.

Hold your nose and blow into it. That is dangerous. That's something you wouldn't do for anything other than... You could rupture your eardrum or something. Maybe if you're in an airplane and you go...

You still shouldn't. You should still advise against it. That's why they give you sweets to suck on. You should swallow. That's all you should do for those poppy ear things. You could rupture your ears.

I'm going to help you out by saying it's definitely not B because that's just fucking stupid. Yeah, I wouldn't have chosen B anyway. So is it glass of water with lemon or teaspoon of sugar? Because that helps the medicine go down.

I think it's the sugar. Eli gets his second card. Now this is the one that could win me the game. Four cards to Eli's two. But just on that last thing, Paul. Yeah. Everyone knows milk

is the real thing that actually works. Anything with like milk or that kind of dairy fat to actually knows milk is the real thing that actually works. Anything with milk or that kind of dairy fat to actually cool down. I wonder why the sugar works. For similar reasons that it is... The whole heat of chilli is just an illusion. We should try that out one day.

Get some hot sauce, go woof. Yeah. Do you want to do it at the end? How about we end the show with it? I've got lots of hot sauces you can try here, Paul. Get the hottest bastard you can. I think it's that one. I think that's the Mary Sharps.

You see that? No, go along, go along, go along, go along. There. So we'll get that, right? Gobbleload. And then we'll each have a teaspoon of sugar and see if it works. All right. All right?

Yeah. That's our ending cheap show today. That's good. Good, nice. After you've done the homework, yeah? Yeah. So you can prepare it while I'm doing the homework. Now, it's time for you to win this Golden Games game.

All right, here we go. It's all there for you, Paul. You have four cards. I only have two. One, two, three, four. You have four cards. I only have two. One, two, three, four. You'd have to get the next three wrong to lose. And you'd have to get at least one of the three right.

Or you'd play eternally. It could go on forever. There are many ways this could turn out. The many permutations of the game. Okay, Paul. Yes. Imagine you can't be arsed to go into work. You can't be arsed.

You're not sick. No, I don't want to. It's a mental thing. It's a mental thing it's a mental thing you hate it Darren in the office you hate Darren fucking Darren

comes in hey everyone what a great day to make money and you think fuck off Darren I saw you I saw you dogging

in the fucking car park last time you were having a wank in the toilet Darren comes in you can hear him because of his cough he's in the next one and then you go

oh you shoot your skunk up the wanker the back wall he goes paul paul is that you and you go and you fucking wait in there for half an hour till he's definitely gone no not no yeah darren's never caught me masturbating he has he doesn't know it's you because you didn't say anything no you knew it was him he knew someone was masturbating. He doesn't know it was you because you didn't say anything. No, what happened? He knew someone was masturbating because you went... No, what happened?

No, what really happened was I went for a poo and as it was coming out because it was quite a messy dropping, he came in and he could hear it and all I could hear was him going... And he knew it was me because I had been at the desk for a few minutes

it's awful so I was trying to hold it in but then that was getting painful and it all came out like a dropped slurry and he went wash your hands Paul and walked out

that's why I fucking hate Darren he did know it was you see I've got a story I've got a different story because what he's been telling people is that it was you this is why I fucking hate Darren and you were spanking up

all over the place I'm going to go to see HR okay so if you want to go to see HR. Okay. So, if you want to sound sick when you call into work, so just to, A, drink a glass of water as you talk. Right. And again, I know I sound a bit sick this week.

I've got a blocked up nose. Apologies, everyone. So, you're drinking and going, like that? Yes. Are you drowning? Yes. So you're drinking and going... Like that? Yes. Are you drowning? Yes. Can't come in today. Can't come in because I'm drowning in the lake.

Yeah, that'd be good. Good mouth work there, Paul. Thank you. Or is it B, lie on your back while hanging your head over the edge of the bed? Let's try that. Hell, I can't come in today. I can't come in. I can't come in.

Or C, hold your nose with your fingers as you talk. Ring, ring, ring, ring. You're the boss. You're management. Hello, SDS management. Hi, Eli. I can't come in to do the podcast today. Who's this?

It's Paul. I can't come in to do the podcast. Paul, you have to come in today. I can't come in. I'm feeling really sick today. It sounds like you're holding your nose, Paul. Well, that's the irony. I can't come in because...

That's the ironing? Yeah. You've done the ironing? Well, that's the irony. You've done ironing? What, have you burnt yourself on the iron? I broke a plate and I tried to fix it. With the iron?

I got my super glue on my fingers. Have you got glue in your metres again? Everybody! He's got glue up his metres again! I know! I fucking hate Darren. Darren's got glue up his metres again. I know. I fucking hate Darren. Darren's here. Darren?

Darren's naked. Why is Darren naked in the office? Because we're having an affair. I'm coming in. Right, which one, Paul? I need an answer for you. The last one. So, A, drink a glass of water.

C, no, you're wrong. What was it? Lie on your back with your... hanging your head over the edge of the bed. Oh, I'll try that next time I want to bunk off this podcast. This is my chance for number three. Your phone screen has a small scratch on it. What should you rub onto it to make it good again?

Don't say your penis. I wouldn't rub my penis on the phone screen. Would you use a little bit of hairspray, toothpaste, or butter? I'm going to give you my reasoning here, Paul. I think the toothpaste will have something abrasive in that gets the plaque off the enamel. Especially the arm enamel stuff.

And I think that's what the scratcher will do. It will sand it very slightly. So the slight scratch sort of disappears, literally. Because it's just a little bit of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what were the other two? H, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what were the other two? Hairspray or butter.

Butter definitely wouldn't work. There wouldn't be butter. Wouldn't be hairspray either. I'm going to go for toothpaste. And you'd be correct too. Great. It is toothpaste. Good tip. Next card.

Is this one going to win me the round? This could be you. This is another match point for you. Three plays two. It's heating up. Now. Yes. Picture if you will. is another match point for you. It's three plays two. It's heating up. Now. Yes. Picture if you will.

Right. Your dog's eating. Nom, nom, nom, sausage. Your dog's breath smells awful. Oh, dirty dog. What can you add to your dog's dinner? Yeah. To freshen his breath.

Mmm. A. A. Time. Time. B. B. Parsley.

Parsley. C. C. Sage. Sage. Oh. These are all herbs. Parsley. C. C. Sage. Sage. Oh. These are all herbs for those who are not in the know. Not mint.

There's no mint on this list, Paul. Just fucking mix them. There's no oregano. No pedigree chum in Tic Tacs. There's no Garam Amla Sala. No. Or any of the others. Or black pepper.

I'm going to say, based on the offers you've given me. Thyme. Parsley. Or sage. I'm going to say, based on the offers you've given me, thyme, parsley, or sage. I'm going to say it is parsley. Fucking hell, you win.

And I am the king of life hacks. Well done. Five cards. I think it reflects that you're much more practically minded than I am, Paul. Yes, I am quite

practically minded. Well, come on. Alright, don't lap it up oh here's one you could do with help clear your sinuses oh I need that

you're bunged up oh I need it I usually just blow my nose is it A sing a song holding your nose

at the same time when we had a little lamb her face was white as snow and everywhere the lamb was felt to go

and then the lamb he came around and he came around here. And now he goes... He went, oh, terrible fright. And then the lamb, he's cutting round... Shut up. Is it B, adding two teaspoons of lemon juice to a hot...

They love lemon, don't they? A mug of hot water and smelling the steam. How many of these? About three of these so far have had citrus in them. Lemon and fruit. You can use them to clean pans and things like that. How many of these? About three of these so far have had citrus and lemon and fruit. You can use them to clean pans and things like that. You can also use tea to clean crockery.

Or C, pushing the tongue against the top of your mouth and pushing your finger between your eyebrows for about 30 seconds. So push your tongue up against the top of your mouth and pushing your finger between your eyebrows for 20 seconds. He's pushing his finger and i presume i can't see but i presume he's placing his tongue upon the roof of his mouth whilst pressing his forehead does seem to work it's weird does it yeah so is it

a b or c i don't know i'll go for c eli you are correct it is the tongue one. That's an intro. I never knew that. That's good. It does seem to work. It was working. I only did it for five seconds or something. Something like that, but it's had some effect. I've had terrible hay fever this year. I've been really bunged up.

It's really getting me down, actually. Well, now you've got something that could potentially help relieve you. So if you're in the street... I can do that with my tongue in private. Waiting for a bus. You can just sit there and go... And press your finger against your head. I often, to stop myself sneezing, press just right under my nose. Yeah, that's meant to work as well.

It does work. I think it's the same nerve. And apparently, if you squeeze your big toe, it can prevent you from orgasming during sex. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll show you. No, oh, shut up. Hold my toe.

Hold me toe. He's not wanking anybody. Hold me toe. He's not really wanking. If you don't hold my toe, I'm gonna go. What, you're spanking my mouth, will you? Yeah. I'm so glad. I'm glad we've got her here, Paul. And you are making a wank noise with your mouth. And I said, spanking

my mouth, will you? And you said he said yeah and that's how we're conducting ourselves and you wouldn't have to worry about that if you just squeeze me toe eli i'm very sorry and that's it for this week on cheapap Show. Thank you for supporting us, if you do, on Patreon. And if you'd like to, and you can afford to, please go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and give what you can, if you can. You'll be given access to extra podcasts, videos,

behind-the-scenes stuff. There's magazines as well, downloads from event. Loads of things if you'd like to support us. That's patreon.com forward slash cheap show thank you very much for the support your vision is closed as of this episode so you have until midnight tonight of this episode's release 30th of april i'm really looking forward to going over them to having a first pass at it paul yes and getting it down into categories maybe we'll have to don't yeah we don't know what we're going to have to do. If you're a patron,

lovely, you'll probably be seeing that behind the scenes access of us going through the songs. You'll be giving direct access. If you'd like to send anything to us in a PO situation, a PO box situation, you can. Can I just say, we've had mostly food recently

and I've just got a big pile of boxes and food in my house. Bring it over. We can't just become a food eating podcast. Oh. We've got books and games and toys

and gadgets and all sorts to explore. And right now we've got like 100 boxes of food we have to get through. So, you know, just put it out there.

If you're selling anything to the PO box, you know, thank you for all the noodles. We've got noodles and sauce. I don't know. There's never enough noodles or sauce. Your flatmate thinks you've got plenty of noodles and sauce.O. Box. Thank you for all the noodles. We've got noodles and sauce. I don't know. There's never enough noodles or sauce. Your flatmate thinks you've got plenty of noodles and sauce.

Exactly. So that is Cheap Show, P.O. Box 1309, Harrow, HA19QJ. And if you go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, everything's there on the main page. There are links to videos, current episodes. There's also a link to tony's merch page we can get all of tony's uh artwork on a t-shirt or mug or whatever there's also events physical magazine uh website where you can order physical copies now they're becoming in short

supply due to various boring reasons but get them while you can and we also have our own cheap show merch store too where you can buy logos and all that kind of stuff so all it's all there it's a one-stop shop and this episode has its own dedicated page on that very same website and on social media facebook instagram you'll find us just look for cheap show or cheap show pod but on twitter where we're most active it is at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show and eli is at eli snoid spelled e-l-i-S-N-O-I-D and now to finish the episode off Eli will be testing out one of those life hacks where it says

to cut back on the heat sensation after something's spicy have a spoonful of sugar Eli I am going to be using for this experiment Paul Encona Extra triple extra hot pepper sauce it's hot it's not

I'll eat it as a food there's no need to go crazy for this is there Silverman I'm just going to take a good bit of that until I've got a burn on and he's got a brown sugar spoon there

and we're going to see I've got lots of demerara hey you know what it didn't say what kind of sugar is it just white is it brown is it demerara I think this isn't going to be as effective

because it takes because they're crystals of demerara larger and they'll take some time to sort of dissolve just everyone's got white sugar but brown sugar that is caster demerara are larger, and they'll take some time to dissolve. Just everyone's got white sugar, but brown sugar is caster. Demerara. You were just trying to do that, and I just thought I'd beat you to it.

I wasn't trying to do it. And then I regret telling that joke. Now, what I meant is... Talking to the mic. Caster sugar's like the most fine, isn't it? That's the really powdery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll probably dissolve quickest.

Do you see what I mean? Yes, it's probably most effective. Yeah, so this might be delayed because it's larger crystals. That's all I'm saying. Here we go. He's downed the extra hot pepper sauce, Encona. It's extra hot.

Eli is wincing accordingly. Yeah, yeah. And now he's entering into the sugar spoon situation. He puts the whole spoon in his mouth, swallows down the sugar, and all I see is pain. All I see is unhappiness

and pain. And a reasonably good impression of Clint Eastwood as well. Was that effective? Yeah. Didn't look it. You look quite painful. Oh, God. Is it nice mixing raw sugar with hot sauce? It's still burning so bad.

Well, maybe that life hack is one to There's some water here I'm going to cool off. Maybe that life hack isn't particularly useful or productive. But,

would you think it would have been worse without the sugar? Did the sugar have any effect? It seemed to, yeah. Took the edge off a little bit. A bit, but

still lingers. That is a hot sauce. God. The 20p's just come off. Oh, it melted. It's got a brown ring underneath it. It's probably Coke or something. Coca-Cola or?

Yeah, Coca-Cola. It's all sticky there. Yeah, like Coke would be. I've got mystery sticky on my finger. Yeah. I don't want it. Where's that wipe? Oh, yeah.

I don't know. It's all coming together. Yeah, I'm going to open it for you. There you go. What does it smell of? I don't know. It's almost beefy.

What is it beefy? Don't rub it. It's very hard. Don't lick it. Oh, it's, you know what it tastes like? A dirty coin. There's a thing. Use that. And on that note, let's end You know what it tastes like? A dirty coin. There's a thing.

Use that. And on that note, let's end this week's episode. I can't talk. I've got too much hotness in my mouth. And I've got a sticky, dirty finger. Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye. you