CheapShow - Ep 232: Urinevision 2021

Starting point is 00:00:00 I'm going to tell you how it's going to be with Scotch's lifetime guarantee tape what you want both night and day then re-record not fade away re-record not fade away re-record not fade away every recording as good as the first or we'll give you a new tape

Starting point is 00:00:24 you can watch Scotch forever. We record not made to wait. And now on Cheap Show TV, we go live to the Space House studio in Harrow, where Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman are ready to bring you another evening of live entertainment. Joined by Mr. Biffo and Ash Frith, it is now time for Your Envision 2021. And remember, you can watch the show on YouTube by following the links in the description for this podcast. But now, let's light the lights,

Starting point is 00:00:57 let's roll the music, and let's start the show for Your Envision 2021. Let's do the show, Paul. We'll do the show, mate. Okay. Is it going to work now? Okay, go. Ah!

Starting point is 00:01:19 Oh! Fucking hell! Paul, come on. Come on. I've done it! Come on Come on I've done it They see you Hello God almighty They can't do with this

Starting point is 00:01:34 They see you we did it Say something I'm a human failure Welcome to Cheap Show Your Envision He fixed it. He fixed it. We changed the bit rate and dropped it down considerably.

Starting point is 00:01:50 They're very happy. Thank you to everyone, Sanya, Biffo, and to Ashfrith for... Nab nabs ahoy. Nab nabs ahoy. Nab nabs ahoy. Right, let's do fucking Eurovision. ¶¶ 13 tracks that we whittled down from 70. We hope the 13 that we pick best represents our audience and a wah-la-wah-la-la gamut of...

Starting point is 00:03:16 Please stop. ...musicians. Please. No. There's a variety of songs that reflect the variety of the entries... Variety. There's a variety of a variety of songs. There's a variety to songs that reflect the variety of the entries. Variety. It's a variety of a variety of songs. There's a variety to them, is there?

Starting point is 00:03:30 What else is coming up? It's the variety. I want the song again. You want the song again? We'll do it sat down. Stay there. Right. I'll just tell Biffo what's going on.

Starting point is 00:03:41 I'm not doing it sat down. Right. Do the song again, Eli. Can we stand up to do it? I feel weird. No. All right. You can't be fun to move the camera.

Starting point is 00:03:49 Okay. Here we go. We're doing the song, everybody. Woo! Song, song again. Song again. They're getting the song again. Someone said not the song again.

Starting point is 00:04:05 I'm Danon. I'm Gannon. I'm Eli. Welcome to our Eurovision. Oh, the singing. Between. We're putting on a big show tonight. We got the hits. Some good, some shit.

Starting point is 00:04:23 And a few of insanity. A few of your insanity. We've got judges, and they are something. And a few of them have been on TV. I'm ready. I'm ready. Good. We've got a lot of songs to get through. Tell me about it.

Starting point is 00:04:37 Come join us. Oh, it's joyous. It's not joyous. It's your revision tonight. Right, and then this is the bit where they're meant to come up and we're talking. I can do Tabasco. He's going to talk about Tabasco. This is very mainstream sauce.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Did you see that? I didn't. I was too busy fucking dealing with the show to worry about your sauce. So maybe explain more about your sauce while you can. Because that means so much fucking much to you. People like sauce, even in your envision night. Don't. They do.

Starting point is 00:05:07 Don't. You fucking gormless twat, you only did this to fill in. I'm keeping this out of the show. No. Interested? Yes. Well, don't listen to them. Thanks, guys.

Starting point is 00:05:20 Sauce posse strong in the house. Anyway, Mr. Biffo and Ash Frith are here, and they're going to be joining us later. They certainly are. Let's listen more to the house. Anyway, Mr Biffo and Ash Frith are here and they're going to be joining us later. They certainly are. Let's give them all to the song. Oh yeah. Oh, let's go. Let's listen to the audio. Oh yeah. Come on, let's start the show.

Starting point is 00:05:38 Yeah. It's the Eurovision. Cheap shows Eurovision. It's Eurovision tonight. Yeah. All right. Again. Welcome to Eurovision again, everybody.

Starting point is 00:05:55 Welcome to Eurovision, the economy comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy podcast that is doing a Eurovision-type spoof today. I just said, welcome to Eurovision. That's not the podcast. The podcast is Cheap Show. Anyway, I just said, welcome to Eurovision. That's not the podcast. The podcast is a cheap show. Anyway, we have 12 judges lined up to judge. Everything's out of order.

Starting point is 00:06:10 Your face is out of order. We've done the song and then the song and now the talking and then the talking and then the song. All the stuff you're saying isn't making sense anymore.

Starting point is 00:06:20 So here are the 12 judges who will be judging the 13 tracks tonight. Stuart Ashen will be giving his votes. So will comedian Ashley Storey. Actor Gareth Bellina, who you may have seen in things like Doctor Who. He was in Doctor Who, you know. What did he do in Doctor Who?

Starting point is 00:06:34 He was in an episode with Peter Capaldi and he rode a highwayman's carriage. You know, a horse and carriage thing. A highwayman's carriage. Well, you know, I'm trying to think about what Highwayman is. It's just a horse and carriage, isn't it? With a Highwayman era. A carriage from the Highwayman era. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:51 In Doctor Who? Yeah. So that's a period. Doctor Who's a time travel period. Yeah, so he went back in time and Gareth Burley played the man who rode the horses on the carriage. And goes, oh, Doctor. And he goes, oh, Doctor. He did that thing with his mouth, did he?

Starting point is 00:07:04 You can watch it um so we've got realina comedian uh she's a stand-up and she's done plenty of things you've seen on tv like the excellent mock the week she's been unlocked the week recently uh imran yusuf again another comedian also appeared on digitize of the show he's going to be offering his judgments later on uh oh ninja sex party star ninja brian himself brian wecht judging the songs once again this year later on. Oh, Ninja Sex Party star, Ninja Brian himself. Brian Wecht will be judging the songs once again this year.

Starting point is 00:07:29 He judged them last year. Yeah. Comedian and actor Paul Putner, who has been in tons of bloody stuff, but most people seem to know him as the Curious Orange

Starting point is 00:07:36 from This Morning with Richard, not Judy. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Remember that? Yeah. He's been in tons of stuff. Also,

Starting point is 00:07:42 Eggsy, Robert, John Rutledge from Golden Looking Chain. He is doing some voting too tonight. Ethan Lawrence, actor and comedian who's been in Netflix Afterlife. And My Big Dinner. What's he in that? What's it called, My Big Dinner?

Starting point is 00:07:57 Is there a show called My Big Dinner? Friday Night Dinner. Friday Night Dinner. I don't know. We need to write a show now called My Big Dinner. I'll do it. And every episode is about a person who can't finish. Give me that sauce back to write a show now called My Big Dinner I'll do it and every episode is about a person who can't finish get that sauce back up here

Starting point is 00:08:07 we'll have My Big Dinner yeah uh Suze Kempner friend of the show uh she's on here as well she was in this room

Starting point is 00:08:14 yeah doing some wacky videos with Captain Venus uh comedian Tom Mayhew who some of you may have heard on Radio 4 recently with a show called

Starting point is 00:08:22 Tom Mayhew is Benefit Scum uh lovely chap he's doing some voting today. And also Nick Helm, actor, comedian, stand-up, rock star, star of the programme, Uncle on BBC 3, which I've never seen. Is it alright? Very good.

Starting point is 00:08:37 Is it? Have you seen it? I saw a couple of episodes. What's Biffo doing? What are you doing? Are you making noise? What are you making noise for? Don't. You have time later to get Stephen's ready. Yes, you sound like a rat in a drain pipe.

Starting point is 00:08:52 Sit down, you'll be coming up here in a minute anyway. Rat in a drain pipe whatever. Funnily enough and also Mr Biffo's going to be doing some votes today as well. I can't wait. Now we couldn't make 13 pop videos to go along with the shows tonight. As much as we'd like to. I tried. I could only get 12 out and then he poo-pooed them. I poo-pooed your 12? Yes.

Starting point is 00:09:16 Look, he's got his bloody puppet already. Here's the plan. What we're going to do is to represent the songs tonight. We have a bag of puppets in the corner. And so we have our puppet stage. And we will be going to that for the live performances of these songs. So Biffo, myself, Eli, Ash will be going and performing those songs via puppets tonight. We hope that they do the songs justice.

Starting point is 00:09:40 Good. Shall we get our lovely guests on? Let's get the guests on. Ladies and gentlemen, let's now bring on two men who would rather be at home right now. It is everyone's favourite Mr Biffo, Mr Biffo and comedian Ash Frith. Let's bring them on. Round of applause for Mr Biffo. I want to be in love with you tonight. I. Knock your fairy lights down, Paul.

Starting point is 00:10:06 Oh, you twat. I've pitched this entire show. I deserve better. I choose to bear a grudge. Can I say hello to Stephen's, please? Is he all right? He likes to shake hands. Does he bite?

Starting point is 00:10:18 What's that, Stephen's? Has he got a cigarette for you? I do, actually. It's a rollie. Does he do rollies? He does. He loves a rollie. Do a rollie for us. Can I give him a tickle? Yeah. Watch out.

Starting point is 00:10:33 He'll like that. He's a naughty monkey, Stevens. Is he going to be doing a song? He will. He will. Look, he says yes. Oh good. Don't do that. Stop it. Hey look.

Starting point is 00:10:45 This is cosy. Yeah. I feel like I'm hugging two guys. Oh yeah, I Stop it. Hey, look. It's just cosy. Yeah. I feel like I'm hugging two guys. Oh, yeah. I've got a chair to myself. It's legal now, isn't it? Yeah, it is. What, to hug two guys?

Starting point is 00:10:51 Yeah, cos you know it's been illegal. It does look like you're doing that dating. I am in a way. So, look, cos we started late, no more banter. What? No more banter. Oh, no, let's do a bit of banter. How's your day been?

Starting point is 00:11:04 How's your day been? You're asking me? Yeah. Fuck off. Oh no, let's do a bit of banter. How's your day been? How's your day been? You're asking me? Fuck off. I hit a wall about half full. I got here on the moon and you were in the wall. I was in a bad way, yeah, when you arrived.

Starting point is 00:11:12 I hit a wall like about 15 minutes before we started. I'm hitting a wall now. Yes. Well, the thing is, the irony is, the adrenaline that coursed through me while I was helping to fix the show, I fixed the show well done you've got the bit right down in case anyone wants to reward me

Starting point is 00:11:29 I just sat and ate a vegan Marmite scroll while you did all that you had some vegan Paul Scratchens as well didn't you oh yeah I did is that like a scroll

Starting point is 00:11:35 they write on I know it's not because I had one and you said this is delicious I'm going to go vegan I was like no I didn't say that

Starting point is 00:11:41 I mean come on you said vegans best don't tell the audience it's funny because Marmite was first developed as a vegetarian yeah as a meat substitute isn't it i love it with bovril where you have a big cup you make it really strong and then you get beefy dregs at the bottom. Beefy dregs? There's a character.

Starting point is 00:12:06 Let's workshop beefy dregs. Shredded beefy dregs. Hello, I'm beefy dregs. He's shredded, he's got loads of arms. Paul's back! Oh, beefy dregs. What's happening, Paul? Well, I'm beefy dregs.

Starting point is 00:12:19 Oh, hello, beefy dregs. What I like to do is I like to slurp the bottom of the bottle. Do you like sauce? I love sauce. All right, have some of this. Beefy dregs. Give me some beefy dreg to slurp the bottom of my bathroom Do you like sauce? I love sauce Alright have some of this Beefy Dreggs Give me some Beefy Dreggs

Starting point is 00:12:28 Get them twixed as well Do you want some of this? Give me some Beefy Dreggs Okay Ah! Oh shit Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:12:36 Two bats! Oh Beefy Dreggs Anyone can repeat a word before we make a character Can they? I like Beefy Dreggs Where? Oi! Hello! I'm literally... What's going on?

Starting point is 00:12:46 I'm now holding... Oh, the bomb cheeks are here. Well, there's quite a lot of Tabasco there now. Has it seeped through him? Has it gone straight through him? There's only a few drops. It only lets out one drop at a time. Ah!

Starting point is 00:12:57 Much like my penis. It's gone in his eye! It's gone in his eye! Yay! We should all put it in our eyes and that would make a good show. No. Right, so, here's what's going to happen, right? Here's what you think is going to happen. We should all put it in our eyes and that would make a good show. Right, so here's what's going to happen, right?

Starting point is 00:13:07 Here's what you think is going to happen. Here's what I hope is going to happen. We're going to take it in turns to go behind that shield, right? Shield? The performance shield, where you'll take a puppet of your choice and perform a song. What? Perform with the song that you hear. Now luckily there's only like a minute and a half, two minutes tops, so it's not too long. But first on the list, we're going to start with...

Starting point is 00:13:28 So, again, 13 songs. These are the winners. If you didn't get on, don't be sad. We love them all, but they're going to be in the podcast. Here are the 13 we're using tonight.

Starting point is 00:13:36 So, with that in mind, the first song, Is It You? You're going to find out now. I'm building up the tension. It is, Beware the Witch Mouth of Keith's Anus by the Tom Chapman Experience. Who's doing this one? Well Eli's doing the first one. It's

Starting point is 00:13:55 just for one puppet, you only need one and it's a thrash metal style. Now don't go for the other one, we need to save that for another song later. We should have all sat in the order that we're gonna get up and do it. Yeah, we should have done a lot of things. Get behind the curtain and tell me when you're ready. So this song is one minute and 50 seconds if you're counting at home. Take that off your sheet. He's gone.

Starting point is 00:14:16 Where's he gone? He's gone to the puppet box. I have not touched Keith, who was around earlier. No, it's a disaster. Why can't you find Keith? It's your job. We need to lower the bit rate. What?

Starting point is 00:14:27 Lower the bit rate. Love's gone off. Yeah, yeah. All right, that's fine. Are you ready? Right, so performing. Eli will be forming. Beware the witch mouth of Keith's penis.

Starting point is 00:14:39 He's going to be forming. Forming the witch mouth of Keith. And it's by the Tom Chapman Experience. Sanyu, can you please press the logo button? The Mothafyde lost to time, all in the soul of the long since parted, rebirthed again by the man of silver with his cries of life screeching out, KEE! KEE! But underneath the key there is the witch's mouth

Starting point is 00:15:25 Which carries a terrible curse Beware the witch Of whose anus For his curse is brought Of whose anus For to fight Above a fine ball As a king

Starting point is 00:15:35 Is a son of his soul For a shell It is called his trap And he makes The most powerful pop If unleashed His power will constrain us Beware the witch's mouth Of whose anus But Keith and he makes a most powerful huff. If at least his power would constrain us,

Starting point is 00:15:47 to where the witch-mouth of Zeus ain't us. But Keith, he is a simple being, and he only desires one thing, to open his resting place and inhale the almighty huff. But the light spores flying through his old passages, please, Keith, all humanity must suffer the heart of the king. Beware of which of us is heinous, For his curse is brought up as heinous, Before the flight above the fine ball,

Starting point is 00:16:24 Thus anchors his suffering soul, For a shell it is all that is wrought And he makes the most powerful puff If unleashed, his power will constrain us Beware the whips from out of a thief's anus Yay! Well done Eli Silverman! Well done Mr. Man! What about the songwriter? Sorry? What about the person who wrote the song who did most of the work? Oh sorry, well done Mr. Van. What about the songwriter? Sorry? What about the person who wrote the song and did most of the work? Oh sorry, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:16:50 Keith over there. Keith, his powers have been charged, yes? The witch-hole of Keith's owners. Yeah, so how did you enjoy that? How did you feel? I felt good, I felt good about it, yeah. Felt good. I went back there, tried to do a puppet show to that song and kind of did and I did some flips, I like those bits.

Starting point is 00:17:09 I like that bit. That was my favourite bit. Aquatic, yeah. I like that a lot. Right, we've got to go on to the next song and it's called, here we go, Is This You? Who's doing the puppets for this? I'm doing this so someone's going to have to help switch the cameras. Oh god.

Starting point is 00:17:22 Right, here we go. Right, the next song is by Jake Posner, or Posner, and it's Don't Get Mad. I'm going to be doing this one. It involves two puppets. It's vocal and I call it electro-y. So here we go. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:17:38 Ah. Greg wants to watch his favourite TV show But his parents were watching something else Greg feels like throwing a temper tantrum How should Greg behave? Turn that off now I'm sorry The news is on

Starting point is 00:17:58 I want to watch the news No Coming up on me Come on Turn it back No we will not turn it back on Turn it back You can watch that anytime you like I can't watch it You can watch it on Netflix I want back. No, we will not turn it back on. Come on, turn it back. You can watch that any time you like.

Starting point is 00:18:06 I can't watch it. You can watch it on Netflix. I want to watch it now. We can't watch it now. Oh, I'm going to fucking do something. I'm going to make myself sick. Don't you dare. Don't, don't you dare.

Starting point is 00:18:19 I'm going to make myself sick. I'm going to make myself sick. Don't you dare. Don't, don't you dare. I'm gonna make ourselves sick And we're gonna make ourselves sick And we're gonna make ourselves sick Wait that's not gonna fucking... No! No! Not the belt! Ah! Ah! That was a performance.

Starting point is 00:18:46 What a song, what a performance. I couldn't tell you that the characters were coming out of me in that one. Well yeah, I could see all sorts of stuff coming out of you. I saw that from behind the shield. You're right, I might. It was due on purpose that I was saying your bits and you were saying my bits. I just kind of went with it, yo, you know. I just kind of went with my flow.

Starting point is 00:19:04 And I just thought the pupp puppets coming out of me. You shouldn't have had them in you. That was a mistake. Disinfected them. Right, so we're going to move swiftly on to the next one. And this one is for Biffo. It's amazing. It's your next.

Starting point is 00:19:20 You're going to like this one. It's a grimy, slow blues track. And it's called Come Round Here by the Spoff Rockets. So if that's you, your song's up next. Oh, I'm excited. Biffo, do you want to make your way over to the puppet land? Yeah, let's go. Eli, you just banter while I get set up. Well, Ash, how are you enjoying the show so far?

Starting point is 00:19:39 I'm not keen. You're not? No. Are there any of those songs? No, I didn't enjoy it. I've not enjoyed your company. I have. I love it. I love it.

Starting point is 00:19:46 So, any favourites? I know it's early to ask. I enjoyed the performance of that one because I really don't like the key. Shut up! Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta- I hate this song I had a big date in the eye Before she even opened her mouth Inside I started to cry I hate this song, she said And my friends all want to leave I keep my eyes on the mountain stand

Starting point is 00:20:38 I'm there with a tent no heat I took a breath and began to shake Lord, I was in a rage Who the hell does she think she is? You're gonna have to watch When you're real, don't sell me a taste Pretty face like that's a waste With a brain made out of piss

Starting point is 00:21:02 What a shame, shame, shame I hate your kind, I said, as my balls began to swell. And I tried to resist the urge to drain my milky well, but I

Starting point is 00:21:17 spoff, spoff, spoff, spoff, spoff, woke up the hell. Laughing, laughing like the Joker. Andavin, lavin, make the joker. You know I've got a few business. You know that I didn't start there. Sparrow, sparrow, walk on through here. Mr. Stephen, Stephen's the monkey.

Starting point is 00:21:39 Really great. Really, really strong work. Mr. Biffo, Stephen, it looked like you were having a bit of difficulty controlling. He does. Was he fellating? He was so fellating. He was being naughty. The movies and bugs from beneath his...

Starting point is 00:21:52 Oh, well, naughty, naughty Steven. We do like a bit of cheek. We do like a cheeky monkey. I enjoyed it when it started to get filthy and I just saw Eli and I went, oh, no. You don't listen to it before? I just saw Eli and I went, oh no. You don't listen to it before? I have, but I'd like to make it... You've heard it before?

Starting point is 00:22:10 I have heard it. Well, we had to whittle them down. We whittled them down. There's been a lot of whittling. I'd just like to say, that song portrays me at work as a DJ, but in the end, the Eli of the song swaps onto the young lady's hair and the walls and the ceiling. Physically impossible. As well as something I would never do.

Starting point is 00:22:29 I bet you, what's his name? Who was the one that painted the Sistine Chapel roof? Michelangelo. I bet he spossed on the ceiling. He used it to mix a certain colour of blue. He might have. Well he used to lay on his back didn't he on a scaffolding. And he was constantly doing it. It's a perfect place to jack it off, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:22:45 Yeah, it's a sea chapel. And perhaps there was some nun or something below who had a very lovely voice and he was like, she's in here. And you could hear her because of the echoes.

Starting point is 00:22:54 Right, well, let's move on, shall we, quite quickly. Because Ash is now up to do his song. Oh, shall I go under? Wait there, wait one second. Are you okay? He's down, he's down.

Starting point is 00:23:11 I'm afraid to go. He said wait. When can we start drinking? I'll just go down here until you're gone. We can't have you flailing about. Let's just put that out of the way. No, let's not put it out of the way let's not put it out the way Oh I need it Yeah I need it It's hot

Starting point is 00:23:27 Oh come on This is a shit show Get out the way Ash write the song you're about to sing I'm not singing No one said I was singing You're singing this one Don't

Starting point is 00:23:37 I don't need that Take it away I realise I did sing one last time You're ruining the intro for this person who's going to get it So the next song we have chosen today for your envision is called Feel My Heart by V Nessie. Round of applause to them. Now you're gonna need two puppets for this. One who sings a male one or one that sings the verse and then a female voice if you want to sings the chorus.

Starting point is 00:24:01 Alright, and it's a bit Euro pop, a little bit dance. Alright, so are you ready? No! How am I ready? Sanya, go and dance, move it like you're in a trance Come and see the revelry in this dance floor, can't you see? Come with me, come and dance, move it like you're in a trance Come and see the revelry in this dance floor, can't you see? Come with me, come and dance, move it like you're in a trance Come and see the revelry in this dance floor, can't you see? I will show you how to hold your own and I will give you my soul to hold and I will feel the mood that's in the room. I will feel my heart beat into the song. Come with me, come and dance Move it like you're in a trance

Starting point is 00:25:27 Come and see the revelry In this dance floor, can't you see? Come with me, come and dance Move it like you're in a trance Come and see the revelry In this dance floor, can't you see? Come with me, come and dance Move it like you're in a trance Come and see the revelry In this dance floor, can't you see? Come with me, come and dance Move it like you're in a trance come and see the revelry in this dance floor can't you see come with me come and dance move it like you're in a trance

Starting point is 00:25:48 come and see the revelry in this dance floor can't you see we on air now Paul he hasn't told us when we're meant to be on Mike or what anything what a song that was

Starting point is 00:26:02 well done that was a beast of a a pop-tastic that was good Well done! That was good. I liked it when the female vocalist came up. What's her name? Oh, I nearly used your wife's name. I can suddenly get very uncomfortable in the studio. I can only think of people's names who I'm with.

Starting point is 00:26:23 It was Rachel. She was very good, wasn't she? She's very performative. Classically trained. What was my bear you were using there? That was your bear? My childhood bear. Honey.

Starting point is 00:26:33 She's classically trained, so she has learned herself to be doing it. Oh, she has. Is Honey a male? Does he identify as a male? No, he doesn't identify as anything. He's a bear that Eli fucks. I did not fuck Honey. He does a bird that Eli fucks. I did not fuck. He does.

Starting point is 00:26:47 How do I fuck him? How? Have you checked him for holes? Is there a single hole? No, you just rub against it. Well, that's not fucking, Paul. Maybe that's what it's like in your household. It's my household.

Starting point is 00:26:58 It's pure frottage. And you go, oh, do you want to fuck, love? And then you go... And just rub it in. Yeah, that's right. You go up to the woman that you love and you just... You get intimate and you just go... against them and then that's it, innit?

Starting point is 00:27:14 Right, I'm walking out. That's how you've done it, innit? That's it, I'm sick of this. No, sit down. Sit. Sit down. So you haven't given any kind of real life to your bear, honey? It's just a teddy bear to you? Of course it's... well, yeah. Right, we're gonna move on.

Starting point is 00:27:30 The next track, I'm puppeteering this one. This one's called... are you ready for this? It's by Ukulele John and it's called Down at the Spoff and Pickle. So I just need one puppet for this. So I Google lovely lovely bit of information there well done I'm just going to stand up and walk over to the other part

Starting point is 00:27:49 of the room are we off are we off here Paul down at the Spoff and Pickle you're in for a surprise

Starting point is 00:28:01 as meaty Margaret has prepared her tasty meaty pies Queefuffer smells her ye as meaty Margaret has prepared her tasty meaty pies. Queefuffa smells her yeasty meaty fragrance from the bar, as Branduff stuffs a ten pound note into the barmaid's bra. Adolescent Sasquatch shanty, yet he can't get in, cos Jimmy Biscuits knows the law and said they both look under eighteen,

Starting point is 00:28:21 as Uncle Grumbly watches on with chutney, jammer and his gin. Down at the Spoff and Pickle is Paul and Eli too. They haven't got much money and they don't know what to do. They'd like to make a podcast but these things they ain't cheap. And like a bolt of lightning have an idea that is unique. They jump up from the table spilling snacks and crisps galore The DJ's unimpressed as they have left a mess on the dance floor As Madam Lady Plops and Squishy Jim had done the night before

Starting point is 00:28:56 Down at the Stop and Pickle, you can't contain the fun With regulars like Nicky Ken and also Pre-Cum John. But don't listen to each man and his measurement suggestions, for too much booze could soon induce some very grumpy sessions. Down at the spot from Pickle, it's closing time for now. I look for Sticky Vicky but she's leaving with Fat Sal. It must be getting late now as I'm looking for the clock. When a vampire beside me says, I want to suck your gawk.

Starting point is 00:29:31 I choose to put some headphones on and head towards the streets. I wonder if there's any noodles in the flat that I can eat. I found a sweet show that's called cheap show so my night is complete Are we live Paul? Well done! What a wonderful performance! I enjoyed that a lot! Brought a tear to my eye! Can we all agree that doing this for just two minutes is really fucking hard? I thought I was fine. You did quite a lot of running. I reckon you've run half a marathon.

Starting point is 00:30:09 I sweat. Look at this. I can feel the moisture. I can feel the moisture. That's one of the songs coming up. So there we go. That was, that was down to the spot from Pickle.

Starting point is 00:30:18 Now, it's you again. Eli, it's your turn. Oh God. And this will sit down. You don't know what the song is yet. And we haven't discussed what you're going to do,

Starting point is 00:30:25 and you keep making a fucking noise. Also, is this recording? Yes. The table keeps banging against it. Well, that's because he keeps fucking rocking it like a spell cock. Like a spell cock. Like a bell cock. A bell cock ball cock.

Starting point is 00:30:36 A spell boy. Yeah. Right. You want me to swing my dick at the mics And make a flopping sound Why not Does anyone want that in the comments below They will They'll see Eli in the show

Starting point is 00:30:51 Whipping at his penis and flopping it Let's see if we can get this channel banned on Twitch If not already Right so the next song Eli It's a slow one It's the ballad of the evening And it's called Towards Perfection By Gordon Brown Not that Gordon Brown.

Starting point is 00:31:07 As far as we know. I know you don't. It's a slow ballad, Eli, so you need to be beautiful and wonderful, right? What do you think of it? It's good. It's a great song, it's a ballad, something different and we'll see how the judges fare when they hear it. Are you ready to set off? I'm ready. I gave that one my top score. And the viewers.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Well, don't tell everyone now, you bell. We're not on. No, but we're live. We're not on. We are, aren't we? Yeah. For God's sake, Biffo. You stupid dick splash. You've not heard it yet.

Starting point is 00:31:41 I say to Sanya, go to logo, and then we're off air while we set the camera up. Well, I'm going to change my scores then. Right, good. Change your scores. There was one other one I quite liked earlier. Well, then you can swap them round. It doesn't matter. Right, Eli. I saved this show. Are you nearly ready, Eli?

Starting point is 00:31:56 Right, in that case, Sanya, go to Logo and we'll come back to Eli in a minute. What is this life? What's its true meaning? Of waiting in line Of waiting inside What is this world? What is this dreaming? Wondering about Which clouds in the sky

Starting point is 00:32:46 And all that I see and do Gets about life and you Graciously turns Graciously turns me around towards perfection. What can we learn? Can truth be redeemed? A world full of hope Where nations abide

Starting point is 00:33:41 And all that I say and do Graciously turns me around towards perfection towards perfection So a really great song. Nothing about sputtering on people's faces. It wasn't. It was about turning towards perfection It was, it was a beautiful song Just a nice song

Starting point is 00:34:08 I honestly thought it was nice to have a song in the show That wasn't just about gushing in some lady's hair That person has never listened to the podcast Good Yeah, that's what I'm saying They've made a really nice, good song Yeah But

Starting point is 00:34:20 And I really like it It's a good song, that's what I'm saying And I thought we needed all shades of music tonight And not just the spoff spoff bang bang Wallet wallet type stuff And that's what won, isn't it? I don't know, we had a spoff spoff bang bang What are you doing on your hand?

Starting point is 00:34:35 He's drawing an eye Hand pirate See? He's a dinosaur as well, is he? He doesn't look like a pirate to me. Biffo, it's your turn. You haven't seen many pirates. There's his character that's going to be doing it.

Starting point is 00:34:49 We're doing our next song. We're halfway through. Peglets. Biffo, your song that you're performing tonight is by a band called... Oh, hello. Hello, dear. This is... He's damp and he's dampening me.

Starting point is 00:35:01 He's sodden. I feel so sodden. You've raised the humidity in here. Our next Eurovision, Eurovision finalist tonight is Star Night Light with I Just Done A Poo. More like it. More like it. Before you go and get ready for India Puppet World,

Starting point is 00:35:17 here you go, get round into Puppet Land. I think this sounds more like the kind of thing I was expecting. Yes, yes. Yeah, we should have a lot of fun with this tonight. I've gone a-poo. I've gone a-spuff. I've gone Yeah, we should have a lot of fun with this tonight. I'm going to poo. I'm going to spuff. I'm going to poo. That is me.

Starting point is 00:35:28 That is you. Did you enter this shit? That sounds familiar. I did enter this shit. Do you want to move around a little bit? Because this is weird. I feel like I've just met you at a party. This is how we're getting on.

Starting point is 00:35:38 Eli, introduce I Just Had a Poo by Star Night Light when I get over there. All right? Okay. All right, here we go. Oh, God. That's terrifying. I Had a Shit by Star Night Light when I get over there, alright? Okay. Alright, here we go. Oh god, that's terrifying! I had a shit and it was good I just had a poo, it tastes like wood I never seem to want any other food I just want shit cause it tastes so good

Starting point is 00:36:14 But mama said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore But daddy said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore But daddy said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore Society said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore Society never should eat my poo no more Just had a poo and it was great I just had a poo, I cleaned the place. Come in time, I get the cake. I never seem to keep any dinner a day. But mama said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore. The daddy said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore. The doctor said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore. Everybody says I shouldn't need my poo No Come on

Starting point is 00:37:06 Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Starting point is 00:37:13 Yeah Star Bright Night there with their finalists in tonight's Urine Vision contest. I just had a poo. What a lovely performance, I thought, by the performer. Do you know his name? We didn't catch him on the way out. He just turned up mysteriously. I think he was called Mr. Scruggles.

Starting point is 00:37:38 Burdock. Burdock. Burdock Scruggles. That's it. Burdock Scruggles. Burdock Scruggles has got a habit of turning up and performing Willy Nilly. With his Willy Willy. Luckily he had his bird, not his Willy.

Starting point is 00:37:51 Get one or the other. Luckily we got the bird tonight. Yeah. Always one or the other. What's he called, Mandrake Scruggles? Birdock. Ash, you're going to like this one. This one is one of our no lyrics songs.

Starting point is 00:38:04 It's just a lovely piece of music, but you will have to do something with it. And the song you are picking your performing for tonight is by Jonathan Foster. And it is Irish Jimmy's Jig. So I'll go let you... How many more we got? We are at number...

Starting point is 00:38:20 What have we got? One, two, three, four, five, six more to go. Woo! It's just like Eurovision this it's going on forever Ash Frith, please take it away with Irish Jimmy's Jig Thank you. Lovely bow. Wow. Woo. Nice touch. Lovely touch.

Starting point is 00:40:03 Lovely touch with the bow. Lovely. That was lovely. What a lovely bit of music. What a nice change of pace. Yeah. Wow, lovely touch with the bowels. Lovely, that was lovely. What a lovely bit of music. What a nice change of pace. Traditional Irish jig. I think the spoffing was implied, wasn't it? I mean, you can imagine getting a jig on, right? I'm having an Irish jig.

Starting point is 00:40:17 You didn't need to do the hand gesture. You did. There's Eli. There's Eli. Eli's here! Eli's here, everyone. Fucking move on. You're here everyone! Fucking move up! You're going to have to get up anyway in a minute. You big spangly twat!

Starting point is 00:40:27 Right. Well it's me next anyway. So you can sit down. So you can stand there. Sit down. Roll over. Play dead. Suck my chod. My hokkny chod! Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah we're live! No you can suck my chod! What? Beg your pardon. Right, here's the next song that I'm going to perform with a puppet

Starting point is 00:40:52 and the song is called Nostalgia's Gonna Get Ya by Lee Spence. It's Only One Puppet Needed and it's a bit of a true- I don't need to know that. They do. Do they need to know how many puppets are needed? Will you help me get ready, please? There's only one puppet needed. I'm going to go over there and pick it up.

Starting point is 00:41:10 Here we go. I need that good time feeling just like back in the day When the real problems of the world were kept far away I can wallow in my childhood games and pop music sounds or the films that I was too young for the first time around. If ontology is your pathology then nostalgia's gonna get you, nostalgia's gonna get you. My local shopping centre is where I want to be Though they whitewashed the pastel decor back in 93 That vape shop once saw games on tape from my Spectrum Plus

Starting point is 00:41:56 And the discount supermarket used to be Toys R Us If your kind of place is a liminal space Then nostalgia's gonna get youostalgia's gonna get you, Nostalgia's gonna get you. The man from the Prue, still alive. Atlantic 252, still alive. The Polaris subs, still alive. The Burger King kids club, still alive. The Naked Gun, still alive. Pebble Mill in one, still alive the naked gun still alive pebble mill in one still alive quattro soda still alive derrida still alive finders crispy pancake still alive the rhythm of the nightly news makes me think that i've been living in the alternate 1985 tomorrow's world is cancelled So please don't have a cow

Starting point is 00:42:46 The greatest hits of yesteryear Will do for you now Don't take a stand Till you reach for that landfill Nostalgia's gonna get you Nostalgia's gonna get you We're back. Well done to you.

Starting point is 00:43:09 Who performed that? Yeah. Who performed that? That was amazing. That was a bird. Why did you go for a bird for that particular song? Because he looks like E.M.U. And that's nostalgic.

Starting point is 00:43:17 Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. And it wasn't that we haven't used that one yet. I liked how cool for cats it was. Yes, that's exactly. Bit of squeeze, isn't it? A little bit of squeeze.

Starting point is 00:43:26 It was a bit of a squeeze. A bit of squeeze and a bit Depeche Mode as well. Yeah. A little bit of cunt in the gang as well. A little bit of cunt in the gang too. You know cunt in the gang? Well, I know of them. Yeah, it's good.

Starting point is 00:43:37 You don't speak of that. Why not? It seems like you don't. Right, we have one, two, three, four more songs to go. You don't need to tell me. I need to tell you. You've got four more to go. I need to tell you.

Starting point is 00:43:50 And then we've got a shitload of judges. The same amount, but at least half of them are videos so we can chill. Cognac. I love it. Cognac. We'll get the cognac out. Right, so Eli, it's your turn to do a puppet, and this one, you've just fucked off. And you're now in front of the camera.

Starting point is 00:44:05 And you're in front of the camera. He's walked off. Right. The song, Eli, you'll be singing. I can't hear you. I think I have to be behind there to hear you fucking say it. Fucking kill him. No!

Starting point is 00:44:17 I'm buying standing by your computer. Welcome to Cheap Show. This week, hosted by myself, Ashwick. And Paul Rose. Paul, what's the song coming up next? I just had, I'm trying to work it out.

Starting point is 00:44:27 What was the last one? This is Piss Crystal. Don't you dare take... This is Piss Crystals by LJ Goody as performed by Eli Silverman here on

Starting point is 00:44:36 Mr. Piffo's Cheap Show. Piss Crystals go to logo, Sonia. Piss Crystals by LJ Goody. Go to logo. It's the fucking Price is Right.

Starting point is 00:44:46 And that's right. Oh, yeah. And today, Price is Right theme presented by my new punk band. Yeah. The Piss Crystals. One, two, three. One, two, three. I did a piece and it had bits in it Oh, it wasn't that fun

Starting point is 00:45:11 I did a piece and it had bits in it No, I didn't tell my mum I did a piece and it had bits in it It hurt on the way out I did a piece and it had bits in it And it made me shout It hurt on the way out I'm getting this and it's a bit to it I didn't make a big shout Pants, crystals, pants, crystals, pants, crystals Pants, crystals, pants, crystals, pants

Starting point is 00:45:32 Pants, crystals, pants, crystals, pants, crystals I've got crystals in my pants Thank you. Piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, piss crystals, pisss, yeah! That's it, they're done now. So that one is the first song I've seen everyone in the crew dancing along, everyone behind the scenes and in front of the camera actually dancing. It's all of them, the camera operators. It manages to be both punky and danceable. Yeah. Everyone was dancing. Everyone was having a little dance.

Starting point is 00:46:50 I like to pogo. It rocks. I like that. Is that what they say? Do they say when a punk song is good? They just spit, don't they? They just spit. They spit in a band.

Starting point is 00:46:59 I really enjoyed that. Give me some bass. Actually, I would do some bass in that, darling. Oh, come on, there. Come on guys. It's good they say when you get spat on at a punk gig, it's good, isn't it? Good? No, it's not good. It is, it is good. That's why I show their appreciation.

Starting point is 00:47:13 I didn't want it. And they say if you get beaten in the face, that's good at a punk. Don't become a punk. Shut up with my advice if you don't want to be spat at. Yeah, don't become a punk. You're more Teddy Boyish anyway, mate. Am I? Yeah, you've got them all, but if he had to be one or the other,

Starting point is 00:47:26 he'd become more Teddy Boy, wouldn't he? The Teddy Boy, past it, remembering the olden days, goes on about bands that aren't important anymore. We were just talking about Green Day.

Starting point is 00:47:35 Yeah, there you go. It's the reason you like that soppy one, because... I haven't given my... Yeah, we're going to come to that later.

Starting point is 00:47:41 Are you a judge? No. Oh, I can tell you now, because I'm just giving me points later Yeah, why do I like it? Because it reminds you of Merillion That's the kind of meant the whole person be like a drop the penny in the thought Oh, you must like Merillion therefore the song works there. Oh, there's the thought an idea. That's you in it

Starting point is 00:48:01 I like the boldness of him not doing a song that was about Spoff or I thought that was a bold gambit yeah I think it's a terrible idea to not have it all about Spoff why

Starting point is 00:48:11 does every song have to be about Spoff no oh no what are you saying the opposite I would say I would like less songs about Spoff next year please

Starting point is 00:48:19 if that's alright and hence I awarded the least obvious song thank you for being oblique if I had been a judge which I wasn't I would have mainly That's alright. And hence I awarded the least obvious song. Thank you for being oblique about that. If I had been a judge which I wasn't

Starting point is 00:48:28 I would have mainly marked for Spoff. But don't you think the lyrics were a bit proggy? They were a bit sort of I didn't really listen to the others.

Starting point is 00:48:35 Piss Christmas. Yeah. You just go with it don't you? Oh that was that last one. Yeah the soppy one wasn't about Piss Christmas. It was about that

Starting point is 00:48:44 it just didn't say it specifically It's a metaphor Towards perfection Which is pissing crystals I think it's more of a comment on The quality of the podcast that keeps improving Over the years

Starting point is 00:48:56 Turning towards perfection And piss crystals is more about the live Shit show Towards perfection is what we wish Cheap Show was, Pissed Crystals are the more accurate representation of what we are. I did a piss and a bit in it. Who's singing that? That's what the song says. Oh okay. None of you listening. No one's listening. I was, I said it. I did a piss with a bit in it. Yeah but he looks well confused. I just, mate, do you know how much I've had to juggle? I'm sorry I don't remember every lyric to every song.

Starting point is 00:49:27 Eli's been working his fingers to the bone here today. Don't you fucking get it. And Paul just, Ash, he got here ten minutes. Where were you? For the sake of our friendship and your health, just don't go on with this idea. I need to tell the truth. Well, Eli was here working for about three hours.

Starting point is 00:49:41 Did you or did you not go home? Right. Truthfully, did you or did you not go home? Right. Truthfully, did you or did you not go home? Whilst Eli stayed here working. Show them your hands. Bleeding. Worked to the bone whilst you were at home. Paul didn't even get food, I heard.

Starting point is 00:49:54 Do you know what? I'm starving. I fucking hate you all. I hate you. I heard that. Come on, we've only got two songs left or something. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it'd be more appropriate to take the piss out of all the hard work I've done

Starting point is 00:50:06 that you three just trample over willy-nilly, and that's the second time I've said willy-nilly tonight. Willy-nilly. Right, the next song. This is for Biffo to perform with a puppet of his choice. He has to have two puppets this time. And the song is called Watching Shit, daytime TV by the Electric Chair Orchestra.

Starting point is 00:50:23 And Biffo's just gone off on a walk again. He's gone off on a walk again. No go for it then there's loads there reuse one or something you know go crazy cray. Crazy cray. Crazy cray. Go crazy cray. Go crazy golf. Have you got a mask?

Starting point is 00:50:38 What about your, what are your masks? Don't call the po po. I'm crazy. Oh we got this, we've got two songs after this and then we have our interval. call the po-po. I'm crazy. Oh, we've got this. We've got two songs after this and then we have

Starting point is 00:50:48 our interval where I can have a smoke and a drink. Exactly seven minutes and 22 seconds until Paul can just go outside. We can have

Starting point is 00:50:57 crevasse with several different forms of signature specialist cokes. Oh, we're going crazy here at Eurovision and we hope you're celebrating your Envision tonight at home as well. We, I was going to Eurovision. And we hope you're celebrating your

Starting point is 00:51:05 Envision tonight at home as well. We, I was going to say we, but I've put a lot of effort into this tonight. I've put some effort in. All you've done is go, where's the pizza? That's it. Eli did not go home. That's all I'm saying. Right, okay, so I had to go

Starting point is 00:51:21 home to get this book because it has all the answers in to the voting and it's quite important. And I forgot it. And I'm saying this to you now as a confessional moment, one that I hope you won't tell Mother about. Are we ready for the next song? I want to suck your chunk. You ready? Right. Uh-oh.

Starting point is 00:51:39 And now, Songs of Praise. Another 16 words a second to a pericled Songs of Praise A Toby jug and wrinkly nuts are not to make me blow my load. And back to Wednesday evening now as we join Anne Robinson for more of your letters in Points of View. 100 points a second for a show called Points of View. Anne Robinson here is a boring complaint that made me empty out the stairs. I'm Robin from Bell Girls, I'm a In half an hour here on PBS,

Starting point is 00:53:00 we'll be taking the high road to Glendara. But first, Sarah Kennedy presents another edition of Daytime. Oh, where the fuck are the tissues gone? That was pure cheap show. Pure. That was, if you refined it down, it's that song. That was gold. Do you know what I really appreciated about that number? The sourcing of the noise for the actual spaff hitting the TV screen. Hard spaff.

Starting point is 00:53:24 It's very... And it doesn't sound like a fart, but it could sound like a raspberry, but it doesn't. And appropriately sourcing, I believe, is the... S-S-A-U-C-E-R... C-E... Yeah. Sourcing. E-I-N-G is at the end of that.

Starting point is 00:53:38 E-I-I-O. That's weird, isn't it? Sourcing. E-I-E-I-E-I-O-O Old McDonald's Farm It's all the same. E I E I E I O O Old MacDonald's Farm E E E I A O U O MacDonald's Farm I don't like it.

Starting point is 00:53:55 You don't like it when people say Eli Eli O. I didn't do that. You fucking sounded like that. That's an Eli Silverman. I sometimes cry In his room at night. So that was a thing people did. Oh, yeah. But it doesn't even work.

Starting point is 00:54:11 It's not that good, no. Yes, it does. Imagine you're sick. It does work. It does work. It works very well. It doesn't. If you're sick, you get that drummed into you every flipping day in the morning, don't you?

Starting point is 00:54:21 Come on, children. Let's sing a nursery rhyme. Old MacDonald had a farm they didn't have it that morning and then come into the fucking playground eli he lies down in his bed they like that one as well and then they go my name's ash you know the shit i'm in what would they say ash in the fire. Ash hole, yeah. Ash hole. Ash. Ash. Ashly Spliff. Ashing the bishop. Cremate some dead person, then there's ash. Fascist. Thrift. Fascist.

Starting point is 00:54:57 Ashley Cotton, who's Nick Cotton's son. John Ashnew.nue. Oh, look, I've got my kite stuck in a tree. It's an Ash. An Ashtray. Ashtrays. And the Gauls. You're that one. Right, we've got one. Our next song is for Ash to perform. We've got one.

Starting point is 00:55:20 Next song. How many puppets, Paul? One. And this one, here we go. This song is called The Old Man Cometh. It's by Josh Triska. Ash, this is in the bluegrass country style. So go and get ready. Am I doing the intro now? Yeah, the intro is a Scott Josh.

Starting point is 00:55:39 Okay, next on your Envision, the next finalist, our penultimate finalist, The Old Man Cometh by Josh Chickster Are we still on Paul? No I went off on purpose the minute he did his thing What a cunt This is the story of a legendary man

Starting point is 00:55:56 who performed a vital service up and down the countryside Old man meet us he'd come round here go round there spreading his chilies around i called him to visit and go beneath the curly hair light up the fire downtown old man meet us he put the hot sauce on habanero right up where you pee so if you're in the mood to light up your wood call up old man meet us like me he come with a great big asbestos line

Starting point is 00:56:27 bag with his bottles rattling inside pull that one spill the drop burned a hole right through the shack i probably should have gone to hide old man meatus he put the hot sauce on habanero right up where you pee so if you're in the mood to light up your wood, call up old man meat is like me. With seven types of peppers, seasoning my meat more alive than I have ever been. Sweet Jesus! I'll be up for a week, and to anyone who asks, I say it's better than methamphetamines. Oh, it's better. Slightly better Much better Than methamphetamine I do regret the choices I have made

Starting point is 00:57:12 Old man meters Well that was great that Do you like a jig? Do you like a hoedown? I like that Bluegrass Yeah What's the difference between bluegrass and hoedown?

Starting point is 00:57:24 Bluegrass The colour Bluegrass is instrumental. What's the difference between bluegrass and hoedown? Bluegrass is instrumental music. A hoedown isn't that type of dance. Yeah it's like take your lady by the hand. It's not a genre of music. I think it's a type of dance. A hoedown is a dance. Yeah where they play country and western at hoes. Hoedowns. Hoes seasons. There's blue yeah. Bluegrass is instrumental music. Right. Great. Well, now we're on to our final track. Our final and 13th track tonight. Thank God.

Starting point is 00:57:52 Again, thank you to everyone who submitted tracks to Cheap Shows, your Envision contest. As you see, it's a good job we didn't do them all, because we'd all be dead by now. So we have one more, and this one. Now, we haven't picked anyone to pick this. So who wants to do the puppet? I think Sanya can.

Starting point is 00:58:11 Sanya, do you want to do a puppet? Yay! Sanya's going to do a puppet. So, Sanya, the song is called, unfortunately, this one's the weirdest one we've got. So I would just vamp it. Pick a puppet you like. Think animals. Animals. Yeah. it's kind of like

Starting point is 00:58:26 someone telling a story I'll tell you what the song is called now the song is called your man of the jungle by the devastating macho charisma and introduce it. Well, coming up next and our final... We've got the logo. Wow. Cunt. What a cunt.

Starting point is 00:58:48 I'm going to fucking do something to you tonight, I tell you. This is your man of the jungle by Devastating Macho Charisma. Whee! I am just a man, mm man man, I am going through to the jungle now, can you hear the dogs barking? It's a jungle alright.

Starting point is 00:59:39 I am walking through the jungle now oh I am just a man hmmm man man can you hear the lion meowing? I will shoot the lion now I am running on the lion now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:00:31 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hit the move! Hooray! Not fair! Oh yeah, it was just as well we got you to do that because you're the only one with enough

Starting point is 01:00:52 energy left to do that. Yeah, that was good. That was good. Nice bit of interpretation. Did you see how that's been knackering us? My legs! Yeah! He really kicked the butt of his shoulder there.

Starting point is 01:01:00 Rat, can we get a round of applause for that? Come on! Come on! He's been knackering us. My legs! Yeah! He really kicked the bit with his shoulder. Right, can we get them beside you on camera please, give a round of applause for that. Come on. Come on. Sanya's been just as integral to the show today as everybody else. Man, I sit here for a minute. Jack, come on in.

Starting point is 01:01:13 Hey! So, that was I'll Read Them Out in Order of Performance. Those are our 13 songs and artists. First of all we have Beware the Witch Mouth of Keith's Anus By Tom Chapman Experience Then we had Don't Get Mad by Jake Posner Come Round Here by the Spoff Rockets Feel My Heart by V Nessie

Starting point is 01:01:31 Down at the Spoff and Pickle by Ukulele John Towards Perfection Gordon Brown I Just Had a Poo by Star and Nightlight Irish Jimmy's Jig by Jonathan Foster Lee Spence gave us Nostalgia's Gonna Get Ya Piss Crystals by LJ Goody.

Starting point is 01:01:45 Watching Shit Daytime TV by the Electric Chair Orchestra. Old Man Cometh by Joss Triska. And finally, you just heard it, Your Man of the Jungle by Devastating Macho Charisma. They are our 13 songs tonight. Well done. Congratulations to everyone involved. They're all winners, aren't they?

Starting point is 01:02:01 They're all winners. And I'm just hearing it out. They've been sent to the judges. They're receiving the judges. And they're going to be judging now. They're judging. They're all winners, aren't they? They're all winners. And I'm just hearing it out. They've been sent to the judges. They're receiving the judges. And they're going to be judging now. They're judging. They're judging now. They're judging now.

Starting point is 01:02:10 So we're going to take a break. But when we come back after the break, we're going to have a lovely little cheap eat section. We've all brought something fun to nibble on. Hopefully you're having some drinks and libations and food and snacks yourself. It's hard doing puppet stuff, isn't it? Yeah. It hurts your arms.

Starting point is 01:02:24 It hurts when it's hot. So let's put the air conditioning on for 20 minutes. Is it time for the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen? Do you want to introduce it and I can press it? Okay. Don't cut me off. You fucking cut me off again. I won't for this time I promise you. No he's saying that. I won't do it. I never trust you again. I don't care. I shouldn't drink cola. Right, so. Unprofessional. Ready? Much?

Starting point is 01:02:51 And now, it's time for Special Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen. Do it again. Just don't touch the mic. Keep your face away from it. Don't touch it. Sit apart. The game's off. What don't you understand?

Starting point is 01:03:02 What don't you understand? Look, with that kind of attitude, you're going to have some bad karma coming your way. You can shut up because I'm sick of you. I'm sick of you. What? I'm sick of you. Some of you are not sick of, but that's only because I'm frightened of your power. So.

Starting point is 01:03:14 Whoa. Fucking hell, mate. Can you now introduce properly the interval? Thank you. Thanks to all of the people who made it to the final 13. Well done to you again from me. And from all of us. Well, and me.

Starting point is 01:03:31 And Ash. Ash wants to say it again. Thank you to all the 13 finalists here today. I just want to say from myself personally, mainly me, thank you. And Mr Biffo? Thank you to all 13 finalists for a personal thank you from me to all 13 of you.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Sandhya? I'd like to say thank you, like a personal thank you from me to all 13 finalists. Really, thank you. And now it's time for the interval. And we've got a real treat. We've got a real treat. What the fuck are you doing? I'm reading the same auto-c you. No you're not. It's a country urban mess. I did a video for a bit of this. Yes. Country urban noodle test lab kitchen special urine vision edition. Please enjoy. Hello everybody I'm Eli Silverman and this is my Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. Welcome to the Urine Vision special noodle segments. Today we've got a great noodle...

Starting point is 01:04:33 Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. What's going on here? Oh Paul, I'm doing the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. What do you mean what's going on? Why are you filming? We're doing the special noodle for the Urinevision. This is a noodle like you've never seen before. We're really pushing... Hang on, wait, wait, wait, what's going on? What are you doing? Why are we filming? Urinevision special noodle kitchen.

Starting point is 01:04:54 You're doing a noodle... Why wasn't I told? Do I have to tell you everything? Yeah, you do. I'm your boss and you won't stop... Oh, here we go. Look at this, physical, it's on camera. Fucking leave it. Do you wanna do this noodle bit? No one's buying this. Just fucking leave it.

Starting point is 01:05:12 Give you this, give you this. Come on, mate, we've only got a few minutes. To the moon. So, all right, okay, right, we're back in the noodle kitchen, we're doing a Your Invision special. What, Mr. Silverman, what have you got planned? I've got a very, very special noodle.

Starting point is 01:05:31 The Pimpin's today, it's on the theme of fizz, of pop, of sweet music. So I'm doing a plain noodle, which I'm going to pimp sweet. This is our plain noodle and it literally says, look, plain. That's the noodle. That's the plain noodle. By a company, do you recognise the logo? Ottogi. They do great. They do the cheese ramen and they're Korean. Right. It's a Korean noodle.

Starting point is 01:06:00 Going to get that boiled and then, plain, then we're going to have the proper pimping. Now what I thought is sherbet, fizzy fizzy sherbet Paul. I've got some cherry fizzy sherbet. So this is an exclusive Eli Silverman special pimp deluxe. Special pimp. Then we've got, I'm showing them the, look, here we go, candy cans. This noodle is going to have a big baby pop. It's got big baby pop.

Starting point is 01:06:29 We won't actually use the pop, but there's sherbet underneath, which I'm hoping is colour flavour as well. And this gooey... It's a sticky top. Would you also like to give it a spritz? Should we double spritz it? I think we should. Well, I've got just the thing. It's this dual spritzer. Oh, it's a double squirt pass. Splits, double spray splits. Really get that right up your split. Spritz your split with this double spritz.

Starting point is 01:06:54 Splaff your spritz with a split spritz. Yeah we'll splat that spritz. Splaff your spritz with a split spritz. We need something. We also need something to temper all this sweetness. We do. We need something the opposite, the ying, the yang. We need a balance in this noodle. We do. That's why I've got Big Zapper Super Sours.

Starting point is 01:07:11 Yes, mate. Mate, here comes the Big Zapper... Murderer! Er... So, how is this gonna work? Just gonna drop them in? I'm gonna pestle and mortar those. Oh, good.

Starting point is 01:07:19 That's nice. I like that. Get a nice, er, nice consistency, powdery consistency. Oh, good. I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. So how is this going to work? Just going to drop them in? I'm going to pestle and mortar those. Oh good, that's nice. Get a nice consistency, powdery consistency.

Starting point is 01:07:30 Plus Mentos, powdered Mentos. Wait, wait. That's dangerous. Rainbow Mentos. We'll just have half a Mento maybe to start with, see how we go with that. Cut it fine. And now we have a choice Paul of the soup base. The fizzy fizzy soup base. We've got Crodini. Here comes the Crodini. That has notes of bitter orange and a sort of cream sodary flavour. Passion Mama which

Starting point is 01:08:04 has a Russian doll on it and is passion fruit lemonade. Frottage it says on the back. We've got a chino. It says frottage on the back. There's no instructions, hang on, where does it say it? I'll frottage it. What's that? Oh no, it says frottage. Of course it doesn't say frottage. This is frottage. I wouldn't open that now. It'll foam up in your hand and go all over the place. We've got Cino. What's Cino? Sampanol Grino, e Bitti Bitti Italiano. That is a bitter lemon, a bitter orange flavoured drink. No, it looks like cola. But it's bitter orange.

Starting point is 01:08:42 Very bitter. Very bitter. And can I just say? Yeah. Oh, Gino! Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba So these are all the... which one do you think? What are your... Well I'm looking for some fizz, I'm looking for fizz action, I'm looking for kinetic energy, I want a kinetic release of... a pulse! I want this noodle to fizz and pulse like a living being, Paul. Like a living animal, writhing in the mud! And what we need for that is Mentos... Which thing? Do you want your bong in shot?

Starting point is 01:09:25 You don't talk about the bong. Eeeey! What's this? Oh, that's a little toy I got. Is it a little toy slap chop? That is extremely satisfying. It is, isn't it? I have to have it. Anyway. Please don't call the police.

Starting point is 01:09:42 You're distracting me. Now, Paul, do you know... I'm asking you a question, I'm not saying do you know, did you know. Is it rhetorical? Yes. No. Do you know... That is a question, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:09:55 You know the Mentos reaction? Yeah. Where it goes... Do you need... is it particular soda that does that, or is it all carbonated drinks? It will tend to be any carbonated drink. OK, in that case any of these will do because they're all carbonated. Which do you think we should use? I think...

Starting point is 01:10:11 Think about the flavour. What have we got going on? We've got a lot of gooey, we've got a lot of sour. I've also got this dark milk. You know what I'm going to do? Stop, watch out. It's because you're so small I frame it for you and then I come

Starting point is 01:10:30 into the shot and I'm like, hello Eli! So I've gotta get down here and spread me legs. So everyone needs this shortest... Is this what it is down here? Is this what it is? This shortest fucking... Everything looks so big, Naga! Are you finished abusing me? Because of something I have no control over?

Starting point is 01:10:46 You're a fucking asshole! Get back! Alright, there we go. I was thinking, Paul, I'll mash up a bit of this chopped... ...this Cadbury Sprinkles... No, with the Mentos. You could shave it. No, you could shave it.

Starting point is 01:10:57 Shave it. Very good idea. And I've got just the thing for that. It's a big pencil sharpener. It's a big... Do you want a hand? No, it's fine. Big pencil sharpener we're going to shave the chocolate with. That was on an episode of Cheap Chef. It was. Are you ready? I'm exhausted now. I tell you what, you've seen us make a noodle a thousand times. We're going to make that noodle and we're going to come back to you for the flavour edition segment. Alright alright so enjoy that and we'll be right back. Thanks for watching. I don't know why I'm waving.

Starting point is 01:11:34 Go for it you're talking. Okay hello everybody. Action. Action. We're back here is the noodle bowl with fresh noodles. They're drained. Drain. Look at that. Look at the life. They're very plain. Korean noodles are slightly thicker than instant noodles from other parts of the world generally. Are they? And they take longer to cook. But I've given them a good go. Paul, as you can see.

Starting point is 01:12:01 Four minutes. Now, so what's the plan? We decided we're going to go with the Schwingschwepp right? Yes but that's later. That's later. Now what I want you to do is open these two the sherberts and give it a dusting of sherbet. While you're doing that Paul I'm going to crush two of these rainbow Mentos. Oh it's a little old. Give it a good sprinkle on. I'm adding the cola candy cans. And I'm crushing up Mentos. There we go.

Starting point is 01:12:34 Powdered Mentos. It's not coming out. Yeah, it is coming out, it's just you can't see it. Look, nice sprinkles there, nice colour. Oh! There you go. Give it a good shake on. Here we go. Give it a coating.

Starting point is 01:12:46 Hey! Right, here we go, that's that in. Right. Next. Now we want some of the cola flavoured one, please. Cola flavour, it's going in. I am, sorry about the noise everyone, but I am pestle and mortaring Mentos here. It's hard to get this off. Come on, Paul. Here we go. It's happening. I've got the lid up. Get the bone in.

Starting point is 01:13:14 Don't need the lollipop. Don't need the lollipop. Throw that away. I'm going to put the scattering of this in. This is much finer. Could I just have a little taste of that? I want to know. Put your hand out out. Now sprinkle it into your hand. I'll do it as well. It is cola flavoured sherbet, that's what I was hoping.

Starting point is 01:13:29 It is. It is. It's not just the pop that's cola. There's a cola theme. I'm going to try these. And try those ones as well, they're cherry. Are they not? They're fizzy, aren't they? They're very bitter. You mean sour? Very sour. Yes. There's no bitterness unless we go for the

Starting point is 01:13:45 Chino. Right what am I adding next? Squirts? We need the squirting, it's time for the squirting. The squirt's going in. Can I have a squirt? We'll do a dual squirt. What do you want in your mouth? No on the noodle for God's sake. Yeah we'll do both. I'm gonna add the watermelon in first, the green, here we go. Oh very nice fine spray and then the lemonade goes in. And where's the chocolate made? Round the corner. What's that like? Oh tasty. It's got kind of farty after. Yeah I've got a very farty after taste. I'm still... Yes, we sprinkle on the adornments. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:31 This is the big... Here comes the big zapper. This is sour gum. That goes on and they'll get nice and soft and chewy. Yeah. Look, put some of those on. Don't be disrespectful of the Urine Vision. I'm adding pizzazz. It's pizz put some of those on. Don't be disrespectful of the urine vision. I'm adding pizzazz.

Starting point is 01:14:47 It's pizzazz. Pizzayas. Okay, now we're ready. That's, alright, that's enough of those. Then we've got to put the cola in first, haven't we? Yes. Now this is swip-swap. Swip-swap.

Starting point is 01:14:57 Uh, cola and orange, which is a thing apparently. Here we go. What's it like? You want to taste? It tastes like orange and cola. Here we go. What's it like? You want to taste? It tastes like orange and cola. Literally. It's not awful, but it doesn't really work.

Starting point is 01:15:13 Stick it on there. Here we go. Not too much. I just want a little bit showing at the bottom. All right, all right, all right. Nomi, Nomi, what a sweet treat. Now for the Mentos. No, no, what a sweet treat. Now... Now for the Mentos.

Starting point is 01:15:25 Now we put... No, no, chocolate shavings. Ah! Bollocks, I just cut my hand! How? Oh, no, it's all right. It's not bleeding, it's just taking a nice little bit of skin off. Gee. Watch yourself. I'm gonna eat it. This is... This is a tool. Do I put my skin in? Do not put your skin in your... Argh! Disgusting!

Starting point is 01:15:46 Listen, just try and be serious for once. I'm just trying to put myself in the recipe. Chocolate shavings. Chocolate shavings. Do it from the side so you've got more purchase, like this. Get off. Like this. Get it on top.

Starting point is 01:16:03 Oh, that's very nice. Visually very good. Nice chocolate shade. Stop throwing stuff! Right, now we're going to add the fizz. This is adding the Eurovision fizz. Hopefully this will fizz up now. I've got ground Mentos. Have a huff of that. Tell me what flavour you smell there.

Starting point is 01:16:22 Oh, very much a lemon. Grapefruit. It's grapefruit. You don't know anything about grapes. I'm showing the audience what you've done. That's grapefruit, undeniable grapefruit. You said, ooh, lemon. Lemon. Who's at the door?

Starting point is 01:16:38 I don't know. It's not for me to choose. It's not my house. It's not working. Is it not fizzing in? YAY! Right, tasting time! Is it tasting time? Now look at that! Look at that! Oh, look at that! That looks good. What are you going to be looking forward to? I'm looking forward to a mix of the soft and the chewy and a fizzy aftertaste. And then shitting my guts out.

Starting point is 01:17:05 Then why would you shit your guts out? Because I might eat too much in a drunken stupor. Now, this is going to be nicer than you expect in reality. Do you think? Yes. Well, shall we find out how it goes down? Yes, OK, let's do that, Paul. Let's do that now.

Starting point is 01:17:19 Here we go. We're going to taste this abomination. OK. And action. go we're gonna taste this abomination okay and action welcome back and action welcome back shut your fat foul foul fit back action right welcome back it's time to taste this your envision 2021 special noodle which I have created with the help of Paul for this show. I hope you enjoy the show so far. Just to recap it's a plain noodle which I have pimped with cherry candy sprinkles, cola sherbet, two types of spray sweet, super sour gum, Cadbury's dark milk chocolate, shaved beans and that's it isn't it? And also Shrip Shrap as a base. Shrip Shrap, cola and orange. Now, there's wet wipes if you want Paul.

Starting point is 01:18:21 Is there anything to be sick into? I've got loads of wet wipes here just in case you get messy. Alright here we go. Don't spit it back in because I have to take it. I've heard that before. If you need spitty go to the sink honestly because I don't want to be eating your spit. I'm going to get a little bit of the gum on there as well. In these Covid times. I want to get the gum on there as well. Make sure you get a bit of gum on the noodle as well. Why, how's the noodle then eat the bloody gum? I've got it on my fork, here we go. Oh, fuck. What's it like, Paul?

Starting point is 01:18:54 Did you get chocolate? Oh, yeah, I got a bit of everything in that one. Oh, I'm trying to get a bit of everything. Oh, God. I can only imagine what William Walker's cum tastes like. I forgot it's chewing gum. I shouldn't swallow this. Oh God. I'm just eating the gum. It's kind of melted it. Yeah

Starting point is 01:19:28 Now I need a little feedback Well, I can't Stop with the puking. You're not really it's not that bad everyone. It's not great. What did it taste like Paul? What did it taste like Paul? It tastes like pop fun. Electro pop based fun yeah? To go along with the night we're having, we're all having a great night tonight on Urine Vision. I hope you're having a great time.

Starting point is 01:19:58 Enjoy the music! That's what you've got to do. Just like I'll be enjoying this specially pimped, you're envision fizzy fizzy noodle. Oh it's chocolatey, oh it's a note of cola. Super sour chewing gum. I can't. Well. That's my phone. I think I'm going to go back to sleep.

Starting point is 01:20:21 Oh yeah? Is that it? We're done? I'm going back to sleep. or... Are you? Yeah. Is that it? We're done. I'm going back to sleep. Yeah, you've enjoyed your noodle. Well, why don't you make this recipe at home and eat it and then waste a good couple of quid making it? It's not a waste.

Starting point is 01:20:32 It is. Well, it was an interesting... Are you going back to sleep? This is where you sleep, in your kitchen, lad. Yeah, you know, I'm on the noodles 24-7. 24-7. Well, in that case, I'll... Plimping noodles is my game. Eli Silverman is my game. Name, name.

Starting point is 01:20:48 Well... Shut up! I'm going to do the intro. I'm trying to sleep. Go to sleep then. We're doing the intro now. I fucking have you. Stop, stop, stop cornering me. I fucking have you. I'll pestle mortar your balls. You pestle, I'll... I'll turn your balls to dust. I'll wait till you're asleep and then assault you in your sleep. I will insert this into you, right onto your bottom, then drop you out of a window, arse

Starting point is 01:21:13 first, so you bounce down the street to doom. Can I just go to sleep? So while he's sleeping, let's now give you another extra little cheat. Last year's winner, Chris Wetherill, he did a petwing and we asked him this year, as a winner from last year, to come back to your vision with a brand new song. And here it is, by Chris Wetherill, it's simply called C-U-N-T-Z. K. C-U-N... It's the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen Set.

Starting point is 01:21:43 Yes! And it's pretty great. Do you cold? No, go back to sleep. Oh, then... Rum V. Tea. Yes! No, don't.

Starting point is 01:21:53 Oh, fuck it, I'll do. Fuck off! Cut! Thank you. If you dream of Asian food It's the country, country Urban, urban Noodle, noodle Tesla Kitchen Country, country Urban, urban

Starting point is 01:22:35 Noodle, noodle Tesla Kitchen Chief of Sciences, Dr. Silverman P-H-E-P Pippin' noodles since time began Just relax and trust the master The perfect meal is in his bag It's the country

Starting point is 01:22:59 Urban Noodle Tesla Kitchen Country Country, urban, urban, noodle, noodle, Tesla kitchen. Country, country, urban, urban, noodle, noodle, council, council, council. It's the country, country, urban, urban, noodle, noodle, Tesla kitchen. New York, New York, Tesla Kitchen. Country, country, oh, oh, oh, oh. New York, New York, Tesla Kitchen. We are live and we're back. We hope you enjoyed that.

Starting point is 01:23:58 BBC One. Are we going for a break now? Yes. This is where you can go for a permanent break from your association with this podcast. What's happening now? Why has the lighting changed? Because it was too dark for it,

Starting point is 01:24:11 and now I want it sexy. Too dark? He keeps saying the opposite word of what he means to say. You're right, and you're brilliant, so you're like, whoops. See what I did there? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 01:24:23 I'm losing my mind. This is the part of the show that everyone hates at Eurovision, the voting. So we have reached out to 13 judges, and we'll be talking to them soon. We've decided, because we were going to do some of the vocal stuff, which you sent audio in, with puppets. They're not doing that now.

Starting point is 01:24:39 So we're just going to have the camera on us. Puppets hurts, doesn't it? You try holding your hand up for two minutes like that. We're old, and we can't do it. And we're old. And look at that. you try holding your hand up for two minutes like that we're old and we can't do it and we're old and look at that some of us have been

Starting point is 01:24:48 filming for two days and just want to go to bed really all of us apart from him have been filming for two days very tired sorry we are

Starting point is 01:24:56 as it is the interval now it is time for the cheap eats segment we invited Ash and Biffo to bring some cheap eats along so Ash what have you brought along with you today

Starting point is 01:25:05 right firstly I brought along these now make of these what you like what are they well sex bulbs exactly but they

Starting point is 01:25:15 are actually a soft drink are they so I'd like you to try them oh they're bobbies they're called trinkets

Starting point is 01:25:21 everything's bobbies everything's bobbies I went I stayed very much on brand and went bobbies what's this one then straw recommended flavour Everything's bobbies. Everything's bobbies. I stayed very much on brand and went bobbies. What's this one then? Straw recommended flavour. I wouldn't worry.

Starting point is 01:25:28 I don't think it's going to flavour. Right, I'm going to try this. It's got a little teat. Have you got to cut the top? You have to cut the top. Cut the tip. He'll eat that. Plastic eater.

Starting point is 01:25:40 Pika. He is. He's a weirdo. Yeah, it's pika. Yeah, it tastes of strawberry. I'll say that for it. Do you want some? You got that for it. Do you want some? You got that on me.

Starting point is 01:25:48 Do you want some? I don't like it. Look, you don't want some. No, don't get off. Would you like some? Don't be a wanker. That's fair. That is fair.

Starting point is 01:25:59 What's your one flavoured? I'm not even talking to you. Come on. What's the purple one? What's that going to be? What's the purple flavour? I reckon that's blueberry. Did you just bite blackcurrant? It's going to you. Come on. What's the purple one? What's that going to be? What's the purple flavour? I reckon that's blueberry. Did you just bite the bottle?

Starting point is 01:26:06 Blackcurrant. It's going to be blackcurrant. Everyone's bitten their own tip and I haven't had a tip to bite. Can I have a sticky neck? It is disgusting. Pour it in this so I can have a taste. It's clear as well.

Starting point is 01:26:17 The bottle is clear. That's a lie. The bottle's a lying to you. Biffo, do you want... We've exposed them. This isn't very... Yeah, it's not very strong. It's a bit like piss-weak Ribena.

Starting point is 01:26:30 That's just nothing. Who's giving that to their children? Tastes like a melted down ice pop. You can't give that to a child. Is that a Bobby's product? 39p. Oh, that's a shame. Freeze that.

Starting point is 01:26:39 Pop it up your bottom. Everyone's having a lovely evening. Freeze box. Nah, melted ice pop. Right, you ready for your next one? Yes. Back on brand. It is these. Bobby's ice pop. Right, you ready for your next one? On brand, it is these. Bobby's strips. Have you seen these before? I have.

Starting point is 01:26:52 Have you tasted them? Not yet. They are incredibly good. So you've tried them? And they're vegan then I take it? They are thin and terrifically tasty. They're basically long thin crisps. Long thin rectangular crisps. Look at Long, thin, rectangular crisps. Look at him.

Starting point is 01:27:08 I know. Don't leave a mess. I've got to clean this up. Because no one else is. I can smell the salt and vinegar already. It looks like a wafer of some sort. Or a grater. It's like a long wafer.

Starting point is 01:27:18 Yeah, it's like a plane that you'd use to plane wood. Has he got any Red Bull in that bag? No, he's got his booze. The texture's a bit pringley. It's very pringley, isn't it? Very thin but pringley. Have some of this to wash it down. Fingles. It's not as crunchy as a pringle. It's got a similar sort of base consistency though, doesn't it?

Starting point is 01:27:40 It's the potato and malt. One more, I'm bored now. Okay, what about this? It's the potato and malt. One more, I'm bored now. Okay, what about this? It's very strong vinegary. Yeah, very strong vinegary. Bit too much for me. You've got some Blurats rip roll. Sour candy. Blurite? Blarite? They do like Blur. No, it says Bluraz. Bluraz? I can't read. Yeah, not Blurite. Oh read Oh yeah blue ras laces as well I thought it said Euro ras Where did this Blaireis thing come from?

Starting point is 01:28:10 It's just because of you know The Labour Party Yo I don't know what that means I'm going to try a bit of this Oh it's nice and thick Is it sour? Let's have a go. Mmm.

Starting point is 01:28:26 I like the fizzy gum. Mmm. It's very rude of you. The blue. I mean where are they getting their colours from? Bobbies. I see eye. I like those laces.

Starting point is 01:28:42 I haven't tried them. What does blue rice mean? I'd like a little bit more going on, but they're not bad. That's quite flavoursome for a lace. I got them once you bad. I'm a sucker for laces anyway. I'd like another strip. They're very nice.

Starting point is 01:29:00 You know what they should have done with these? They should have put comic strips printed on there. That would have worked for me. That would have been good, wouldn't it? Who could have appeared in them? Like Garfield. Garfield. Crispfield. Right.

Starting point is 01:29:10 Do you want to try one of these? Marma Crisp. Marma Crisp. Crisp Bar the Horrible. Shut up. No. You squirted me. You stepped over the line.

Starting point is 01:29:23 You know, there's all joshing about for the sake of the watchers The Urine Stream watchers Do you want some Rip Roll? You're pretty proud of that! I haven't done that joke yet No one's fucking done it! It's called Urine Vision, Urine Stream I know, well done, I hadn't thought of it

Starting point is 01:29:39 I'll tell you something else Paul I don't have any Where's my pizza? Where's my booze? Where's my pizza? Have we got some kind of snack? Do you want the rip roll? No, we didn't bring any. Right, Biffo brought a snack though. Biffo said he was going on about this. I've brought a special snack. I'm very proud of this.

Starting point is 01:29:56 Right, where did you find it first of all? I got it from a version of Lidl's called Biddles. Ugh, that roll is ugh. Too fizzy. Do you like it? It's got half the taste. called Fiddles. Urgh that roll is... Fiddles. Too fuzzy. Do you like it? It's got half the taste.

Starting point is 01:30:09 I'm tasting that first. I think that's delicious. Don't sigh. You created this mess. I think that's delicious. It's got almost kimchi like... I like it. I really like it.

Starting point is 01:30:19 Yeah? I like that. I like it because it's just sugar. Yeah, that's true. It's sugar on some rubber. Like Eli, he's brought a snack. So what have you got? These organic crispy crisps flavor land goose safe to eat

Starting point is 01:30:34 Why is it safe to eat? That's not even a packet of crisps It is Why have you done that? Are you joking? So what? You just invented what? I wanted to be liked Do you know there's shrimp plate names? Do you know there's shrimp? If I had ever eaten those

Starting point is 01:30:58 No, I didn't know that No, let me see the ingredients Shrimp is like the third ingredient in this It says land goose flavour It's not land goose flavour. It's not sea. Is that some shitty printout you've done? Land.

Starting point is 01:31:10 Land safe to eat. It said on there safe to eat. It did say. No, it doesn't because it's shrimp flavoured. If I'd eaten these, I'd have been out of action. That's fucking dangerous. No, you've made a mistake. It said organic crispy crisps, land goose, land goose flavour.

Starting point is 01:31:24 Eli, what are these? Are these land goose crisps? They're crispy crisps. Land goose. Land. Eli, what are these? Are these land goose crisps? They're shrimp crisps. Can you eat things from the land? You fucking know I can't eat seafood, though. But you can eat things from the land. Yeah, but that's not a land goose. I mean, I did say safe to eat.

Starting point is 01:31:38 But that's the problem. I'm glad I fucking didn't. They said safe to eat. You could actually... Can we... Sorry. Sanya, sorry. Can you. You could actually... Can we... Sorry. Sanya, sorry. Can you...

Starting point is 01:31:47 You can only... You can only not eat things from the sea. No, because we want other crisps coming later, so I don't want... Geese are of the land. No, just get... Yeah, thank you. Just get rid of them.

Starting point is 01:31:54 Of the land and the sky. They were safe to eat, though. I think they were safe to eat. They did say safe to eat. Yeah, but he printed out a fucking poster. It's not the same thing. It's a printout he's done. That was the packet.

Starting point is 01:32:04 Yeah, no, but look there. It does say the same thing. It's a printout he's done. That was the packet. Yeah, no, but look there. It does say safe food. He prints. You know what? We're never coming back to a live show. Oh. Ever.

Starting point is 01:32:13 You've got to do his live show. What's going to happen then? Whose live show? Whose? His. Yeah. His. I'll phone it in.

Starting point is 01:32:21 Right. Can we move on with the judging now? Because I'm a bit pissed off at all of this. They were safe to eat, though. What do you mean all of this? This is delicious. It's a land.

Starting point is 01:32:31 Bendoval. A geese are of the land of air. You just spat on me as well. No, I didn't. It was this. I was spouting. Sex bottle, sex bottle. You're a sex bottle.

Starting point is 01:32:39 You can stick it in me right up to the knuckle. Knuckle pop. This is disgusting. By yours. I think we need to make that clear. Sex knuckle, the knuckle. Knuckle pops. This is disgusting. By yours. I think we need to make that clip. Knuckle pops. Sex knuckle, sex knuckle. Knuckle pops.

Starting point is 01:32:50 Why haven't we tried my crisps? I can't eat them. We're not having them anywhere around here. Hold on. Do you remember what happened on Digitizer with the prawns? These aren't prawns. They're land. They are prawns.

Starting point is 01:33:01 Land. These don't even say safe to eat, but you've munched them. Yeah, because they're salt and vinegar. I'm not allergic to salt and vinegar. You do get fish near salt and vinegar a lot of the time. But it doesn't say in this pack, may be made near fish. But it doesn't say safe to eat, so you took the risk. But I got you those because I know you can't think...

Starting point is 01:33:15 We need to move on. We need to move on because we've got a lot of judges to get through. So we're going to start off. Eli, I think you're hitting that a bit too hard. A bit too hard. A bit too hard now. Put it back and step away. They were safe to eat.

Starting point is 01:33:31 Shut up. Did everyone get the bit about the crisps? Yeah, good. You're in charge of the scores tonight. You're in charge of the stream. And there's our lovely board. I'm in charge of the you're in stream. Now, here we have the between board. The judges are giving out betwings.

Starting point is 01:33:50 They didn't know it, but betwings are a plenty. As the judges bring their scores to us, we'll be adding the scores in the form of betwings to the scoreboard. Permanent. I'm disappointed that you've done jungle the sizes of all the others. Why are you disappointed? Well it should have been massive. Jungle is massive.

Starting point is 01:34:08 Yeah, I was going to do that joke as well. Oh dear, I've ruined it for both of us. 1998 as called. Yeah. Peace in the valley, peace in your soul. You know what we have been getting a lot of recently? What? Sunshine on a rainy day.

Starting point is 01:34:20 Sunshine on a rainy day. What do you mean? Sunshine on a rainy day. Sunshine on a rainy day. Sunshine on a rainy day. Sunshine on a rainy day. Sunshine on a rainy day we... You know what we have been getting a lot of recently? What? Sunshine on a rainy day. Sunshine on a rainy day.

Starting point is 01:34:29 What do you mean you've been getting a lot of it? But it's been a lot of actual sunshine on a rainy day. Oh yeah, well... So, Eli, you're going to be in charge of tallying up the scores, right? Nice move. And here's how the judges are voting. So they have been given the 13 tracks. They will give five of those tracks two points.

Starting point is 01:34:50 Four of the tracks of the 13 will get three points. Three of those tracks will be awarded four points. But getting the top spot, one song, is going to be awarded five points. Five points. So we've got it ready to go. But Biffo, you're going to be awarded five points. Five points. So we've got it ready to go. But Biffo, you're going to be giving us your first votes. So let's start with you before we go to our outside judges, who I believe are waiting patiently on the end of various pre-recorded media.

Starting point is 01:35:17 I did it wrong last year. I know. And we managed to get around that. I'm ready for your scores. Can I mention my Langoose Crisp skin? No. Two points. Go to Beware the Witchmouth of Keith's Anus. Two points for Beware the Keithmouth.

Starting point is 01:35:32 Two points to Your Man of the Jungle. Jungle gets two points. Can the camera see that? Two points to Don't Get Mad. Two points to Don't Get Mad. Two points, Just Had a Poo. Poo Poo. Poo-poo. Poo-poo.

Starting point is 01:35:47 Two points. Watching shit old daytime TV. Two points for daytime. Thwa-poo. The old man cometh. The old man gets what? Two points. Three points. No, three points. You're on to the three points now. You nearly put three points on camp. Yeah. Three points.

Starting point is 01:36:04 Feel my heart. Feel my heart. Gets three points. Three points. Nostalgia's gonna get ya. Three- put three points on camp. Yeah. Three points. Feel my heart. Feel my heart. Gets three points. Three points. Nostalgia's going to get you. Three points. Provides to Irish Jimmy's jig. Three points.

Starting point is 01:36:14 Three points. Now we're to the four points. Four points. Wait, wait, wait. Four points now. Go. Four points now. Go.

Starting point is 01:36:21 Four points. Down at the Spoff and Pickle. Oh, Spoff and Pickle gets four. Four points. The old man cometh. The old man cometh. How many judges are there? 30.

Starting point is 01:36:30 He's going to have to keep it tight. Four points, Piss Crystals. How come the old man cometh gets four and three? Did you do twice, old man cometh? No. Oh, fuck. Oh, it's on the first hurdle. What a wanker boy.

Starting point is 01:36:44 Are there any that get zero points? No. What have I written down? I don't know. Which one haven't I mentioned? Get to the end. Whatever hasn't been scored, you can score. Piss and cum. What am I doing?

Starting point is 01:36:59 You can lean on me, mate. Piss, four points. Piss gets four. I'm going to have to give that four, mate. Piss and come. Piss, four points. Yeah. Piss gets four. Well, I'm going to have to give that four, but I don't want to. There you go, by default. What a mess. And then what gets your five points? Well, if it wasn't such a complicated scoring system.

Starting point is 01:37:17 Two years running, I've got it wrong. Let's not bring it up. Everyone else has got it right to the end of this. Got to get through this. Towards perfection, five points. Five points for perfection. Did you say Duncan Bedenfield? Duncan Bedenfield.

Starting point is 01:37:29 Dunk beds. So, it's five. Perfect takes an early lead. You are going to have to keep those tight as we go further. I like it because you surprised yourself. I tried to fucking tell you. Mate, there's plenty of room for the scally tallies. No, no, you're covered.

Starting point is 01:37:45 Shut off. Now we're going to go to fucking tell you. Mate, there's plenty of room for the scallop tally. No, no, you're covered. Shut up. Now we're going to go to our first video. Show. Video. Our first video video. Our first voting of the judges. Our first voting video. Of the judges.

Starting point is 01:37:55 Sorry. Christ. Sorry, it's only... Did that go in your eye? No, I still did. First voting video of the judges is coming up now. And we're going to play it in a minute. So, Son, you get ready to play. Hit the judges. Hit the judges now. Paul would like that to happen and we're going to play it in a minute so San you get ready

Starting point is 01:38:05 to play hit the judges now Paul would like that to happen Paul wants this now please judge

Starting point is 01:38:11 it's happening welcome to the show he's a stand up he starred in Coronation Street and Doctor Who and his name is Gareth Berliner

Starting point is 01:38:18 so Gareth Berliner we're going over to you now take it away with the scores Igby Line Berliner alright hello guys. Been asked to review

Starting point is 01:38:29 your fucking tunes. Nice of the boys to give me the job. Fair play. Listened to a few of your tracks and boys probably told you I can only give out a limited amount of points

Starting point is 01:38:47 So Gotta give out 5 twos Right 5 twos and 4 threes 3 fours Right 3 fours

Starting point is 01:38:57 What the 3 fours and 1 five Alright I'll Fucking Strap in I'm gonna give you your fucking points By the way, Gareth Ballena can't make it tonight

Starting point is 01:39:08 My name's Trevor Lewis I'm standing in for him I'm his tech Do a lot of his shows Right Alright, let's start from the bottom and work our way up Alright, now I know You guys made some real commitment here

Starting point is 01:39:23 And it shines through, okay? And I want you to know, I've marked it fairly, right? But, like I say, I've only got a limited amount of points. So, I've had to base it on, like, the audio recording quality, because I'm a sound engineer, and various other aspects aspects like the genre, like whether you were standing or whether you were sitting because that's something I can tell and like obviously just the cut of your jib. Right, okay, I'm gonna start off with the two pointers, okay, and uh well I've got to be honest with you,'m gonna start with uh I'm gonna start with

Starting point is 01:40:08 Star Night Light well done I mean I know fair play you gave it a go uh good effort don't get me wrong but I literally just had a poo and then I've listened to that and I've been told I've got to award something a two, like a number two. So it just seemed to make sense to me. Sometimes the reason for my point decision won't make sense, I'll be honest with you. But I just had a poo, I'm afraid it's two for you. Alright, that's Starlight Light. Number, let's see, let's see, the next one, okay.

Starting point is 01:40:43 Drum roll. Okay, next one, I can see me time, gonna have to go, fucking, get a fucking move on, fuck that, all right, all right, next one, right, Irish Jimmy's jig, all right, Jonathan Foster, mate, appreciate it, appreciate you did the jig, mate, but what was the story about Irish Jimmy, is he a mute? Didn't hear a fucking word, mate. He never said nothing. So, just with the limited number of points, mate, if you'd have sung, you might have swung it into a three,

Starting point is 01:41:14 but it's a two-pointer, I'm afraid, Jonathan. Good effort, though, mate. Fair play. Right. Okay, next one. Oh, right, yeah, now, this one confused the out of me like mate the mitch the witch the mitch witch mouth what mate that's beware the witch mouth of keith's anus that was the uh the tom tom chapman experience i reckon. And Tommy, it was a whole new experience for me. And

Starting point is 01:41:48 I don't want to experience Keith saying this or the witch's mouth of it. So, afraid I had to give you a two, sunshine. Right. Now, if I could have marked it for names, you would have inked it up into a three.

Starting point is 01:42:04 But I'm afraid the electric chair orchestra, you know, I see what you did there. Fair play. I actually did sound for them. A lot of people know that in 78. Right, so we've got the electric chair orchestra there. They're also two points. And our final two-pointer

Starting point is 01:42:21 kind of closed the two-point section the way we started. We started with a shit. We're going to finish with a fucking piss, right? Because that ties into urination. So just seemed a nice close on the section. Right now, I'm going to speed it up because we're getting to the winners. I'm on four minutes 30, and they told me fucking six to seven minutes. So I better fucking rattle.

Starting point is 01:42:45 Sorry, guys. All right. Mate told me, fucking, six to seven minutes, a bit of fucking rattle. Sorry, guys. All right. So, number three, three-pointers, next three-pointers, right? You got Spoffrockets, man. Come around here. I mean, yeah, I do. I'm here.

Starting point is 01:43:00 Come. I mean, I haven't come. I feel uncomfortable. If I feel uncomfortable now I've mentioned it, I'm just going to fucking swivel there. I mean, yeah, I'm afraid Spolf Rockets have had to give you a free. Free points there. Also, next up for three-pointer,

Starting point is 01:43:18 V Nessie. Feel me hard. I felt it. It was beautiful, but I could only award you a free. Fair play. Now, next three-pointer, Lee Spence, mate. Nostalgia's going to get you. Mate, I'm trying to run away from it.

Starting point is 01:43:35 I don't want to remember those days. I was off my tits. I mean, I can't remember those days, mate. But either way, like, appreciate the effort. But, no, nostalgia's not got me this time, I'm afraid, mate. It's three points for you. Right, where are we? Okay, got about a minute and something now.

Starting point is 01:43:56 All right, lovely tune, this, right? Next one. Yeah, but it's still a three-pointer, mate. I'm sorry about that. We've got Jake Posner, Don't Get Mad, right? I like that, I mean, don't get mad, that I've only given you fucking three points, Jake, next one, number four, I like this team, the old man cometh, and it's Josh Triska, it's quite beautiful, and I've got to be honest, when the old man cometh with me, it generally meant

Starting point is 01:44:22 I was going to get, I was going to get a beating. But I like it, Josh, so I'm giving you a four. Gordon Brown, mate. Gordon Brown, towards perfection, he said, right? Now, mate, that was your little mistake, Gordon, because I've only got a limited amount of resources when it comes to points, right? And you said you were going towards perfection, right? stake on because i've only got a limited amount of resources when it comes to points right and uh you said you were going towards perfection right towards it which means you weren't perfect yet so i couldn't give you a five mate you sealed your own fate there sorry about that and uh let's see

Starting point is 01:44:57 let's see ah now right at the last hour i've hidden seven minutes, bit of fucking motor, because Gallon's going to fucking go spare. Alright, look, it was a real toss-up between these last two for the top spot. I'm afraid that my second four place before my number one place with four points,

Starting point is 01:45:19 it's Devastating Macho Charisma. Devastating Macho Charisma You're man of the jungle. I mean, it was the first tune I had and it burned a hole in my head, mate. I fucking loved it. But then along came fucking Yooka Lady John, mate. And there's nothing you can't go wrong with a yook. And I just loved its relationship to the show.

Starting point is 01:45:41 It just seemed fitting that I pick a song that really pays homage to the Cheap Show pod. So that's it. I've done me time. You've been great, Cheap Show. Bye. Right, we're back in the room. Hey!

Starting point is 01:45:55 Thank you, Gareth. We've added your scores to the board. Now... Do you want to hear the running, Paul? Yes, what have we got so far? The leader at the moment... Yeah?

Starting point is 01:46:06 ...down at the spot from Pickle, is out in the head with nine points. Look how close that is, though. And also, towards perfection, turning towards perfection is on the lead as well, so we've got two leaders. Oh, it's exciting stuff. Everyone's hit the board running, though, Paul.

Starting point is 01:46:20 Everyone's got betwings. Betwings are on the board. We're ready. And this is your envision. We are. Now, the next one we're going to do is an audio. So we're going to play that over the speakers. You'll be able to hear it.

Starting point is 01:46:32 And we'll be doing the judging quietly because I've read it ahead and I know what everyone's done so we can get ahead of the game. All right? Are they not live? No. You're not live. You're pre-recorded. I thought so. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:40 God. What a card, eh, ladies and gentlemen? He hasn't made sense all night, has he? Really? You're only just coming down now. Yeah. You're like the lonely robot. To be fair.

Starting point is 01:46:50 The what? We're all very tired. We're all very tired. We've been looking about. We've all had a few. Come on. We might as well finish this. Tanya, it's number two for you.

Starting point is 01:46:59 We've all had one before. I've never read that loud before. So you two need to catch up, and then I'll share the rest of it. Right. Okay, so we're going to go to our next judge now. It's an audio one. We're going to catch up and then I'll share the rest of it. Right, okay, so we're going to go to our next judge now. It's an audio one, we're going to play it out but you'll still see what we're doing so we'll try and be quiet. But this one... What are we going to be doing?

Starting point is 01:47:13 Just being quiet while the judges are doing it. You're not my dad. Remember at school when there'd be quiet time? Everyone now is going to have quiet time. Here we go. So we're going to do an Ethan Lawrence now, actor and comedian. So we're going have quiet time right here we go so i'm we're doing ethan lawrence now actor and comedian so we're gonna go play him so sanya that's when i have to play off the machine so um here we go everyone hello ethan lawrence here uh actor comedian writer star of such things as Bad Education, Afterlife, Doc Martin, How to Talk to Girls at Parties,

Starting point is 01:47:49 all sorts of other things and I must say what an absolute thriller it is for, hang on, Eli Gannon and Paul Silverman to invite me back to CHIAP show for the second year in a row to invite me back to Chiap Show for the second year in a row to be a judge on Urine Vision. Speaking of Urine Vision, it's great to hear it going so well. I've always said that Paul and Eli, the men behind Chiap Show, are some of the greatest broadcasting minds of their generation. So it's no surprise that the show continues to go from strength to strength. But hey, hey, I've been waffling for long enough, right?

Starting point is 01:48:33 I think it's about time we got down to the scores. So, my two points, my five two-pointers, will be going to Don't Get Mad by Jake Posner, The Old Man Cometh by Josh Triska. Come Round Here by the Spoffrockets. Beware the Witchmouth of Keith's Anus, the Tom Chapman Experience. And Feel My Heart by V Nessie. My Three Pointers. My Three Points will be going to...

Starting point is 01:49:02 Your Man of the Jungle by Devastating Macho Charisma Watching Shit Old Daytime TV by Electric Chair Orchestra Irish Jimmy's Jig by Jonathan Foster and I Just Had a Poo by Starlight Night Now for my three four pointers with added notes So my first four points are going to Towards Perfection by Gordon Brown. I'm giving this four points because it's an actual song and it's really good. The reason why I haven't given it five points is that it's an actual song.

Starting point is 01:49:36 And, you know, I didn't smell enough of spoff and urine to really, you know, give me the get up and go. But a really, really really really really really great song that should probably be an actual Eurovision if we're being completely honest. My next four points are going to go to Nostalgia's Gonna Get You by Lee Spence. Straight in, no wasted time, really evocative and a lovely tune. I stopped short of five points this time, partly because I get irrationally angry about songs that fade out, and also because I'm 28 years old and I didn't get any of the references. I don't know what you want me to say. Nostalgia is an old man's game, and I'm

Starting point is 01:50:18 kind of more down with the kids, you know. I literally don't know about anything that happened before 2003. So four points to Nostalgia's going to get you. So now it's time for the final two. One, I felt completely nailed the genre and the feeling that it was going for. The other had the smartest lyrics and the most references. This year, I've decided to go with my heart instead of my head. So four points go to Down at the Spoff and Pickle by Ukulele John, a superlative example of the genre, dripping with personality,

Starting point is 01:50:53 great harmonies, and absolutely packed to bursting with Cheap Show lore. Which means that my five points are going to go to Piss Crystals by LJ Goody, a proper punk hit that perfectly captured the anarchic spirit of Cheap Show and is also about piss. Secretly, I do actually know how to pronounce Cheap Show. I'm actually a really big fan, and I was affecting an air of superiority that's entirely undeserved because I'm a talentless hack,

Starting point is 01:51:24 and Paul and Eli are not talentless hacks and neither are any of the people who provided songs for the day despite what my points showed. I think this has been a bumper year for Eurovision and I'm so glad that it's back and the show is going

Starting point is 01:51:39 oh just just so brilliantly. Enjoy the rest of your evening lads and to all you cheapskates out there enjoy the rest of your evening, lads. And to all you cheapskates out there, enjoy the rest of the show. Ethan Lawrence, out. Thank you, Ethan. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram and TikTok

Starting point is 01:51:55 at Ethan D. Lawrence on everything. Ethan D. Lawrence. Plugs, plugs. I snuck them in. Enjoy the show. Bye. That's him done. done Ethan thank you very much wonderful

Starting point is 01:52:08 so Eli at the end of that how was it looking who's our front runner Smurf right great Smurf and perfect neck and neck

Starting point is 01:52:19 still Paul nostalgia coming right in there's a long way to go though isn't there a long way to go now we have two judges now two judges in a long way to go though, isn't there? A long way to go. Now we have two judges now. Two judges in a row, back to back, big to back, back to back.

Starting point is 01:52:30 And they're going to be giving us their scores now from Eurovision as well. So, Sanyo, are you ready? Yep. I need you to press the button that says Imran and Ria because we have Imran Yousaf and Ria Lina. Take it away. That's all the work I do is with this guy. Greetings, and thank you for having me as an impartial judge here on Urine Vision.

Starting point is 01:52:50 Of course, I'm in no way influenced by the promise of cash bribes or drugs from any of the participants, I promise. Now, you all know who I am, but I'll introduce myself anyway. My name is Imran Yousaf. I am the Super Saiyan Champion of the Universe. Though in my spare time, I'm also a stand-up comedian with over 7 million hits on YouTube and a blue tick on Twitter. So, you know, I'm kind of a big deal. Now, the standard of the participants this year is outstanding.

Starting point is 01:53:18 I haven't met them, but remarkably, they can all, well, most of them, operate a musical instrument and a computer, which in itself is very impressive, considering that some of these entries are thinly veiled cries for help. So, without further delay, because I have other things to do, and I hope you enjoy this pre-recorded video of my scoring. If it feels live, that's because I'm a really good actor, and you might have seen me in the deleted scenes of the feature film Aladdin. So here we go. Scraping the bottom of the barrel with two points. Jake Posner, don't get mad. Sounded like a secretly recorded abusive therapy session that was auto-tuned. You need real help. Call the police. Two points to LJ Goody and Piss Crystals. Now, you guys are great musicians, but please invest in a new microphone. Also, this could be a good jingle to market urinal cakes.

Starting point is 01:54:06 Yeah, make some money. Two points to Star Knight Light and I Just Had a Poo. My only comment on this is, has anyone staged an intervention yet? If you know these people, get involved. Although, you know, keep your distance at the same time, clearly. Two points to the Spoff Rockets with Come Round Here. And I'm sure this is a name soon to be featured on the register to protect the local community.

Starting point is 01:54:32 Two points to Tom Chapman Experience with Beware, the Witch Mouth of Keith's Anus. Now, this is a fast-paced beat that only amplified the feeling that a curse was being invoked. So stay away from me. Now, just floating above the bottom of the barrel, thankful for not being welded to the bottom and whose talents were less alarming and actually resembled music. Three points to devastating macho charisma, your man of the jungle. Now, this is great for junkies who want to trip balls in the forest and end up in jail.

Starting point is 01:55:06 If that's what you want to do with your life, that's the tune for you. Three points to electric chair orchestra watching shit old daytime TV. Now this was a fun jingle for habitual daytime TV addicts who have never been outside. So please go outside. It's practically legal now.

Starting point is 01:55:23 Three points to Gordon Brown towards perfection now this is an outstanding entry from the ex-prime minister and probably too serious to be in this competition get a better agent or maybe just an agent three points to V Nessie feel my heart now this is a cheery tune if you want to feel happy and forget about all the horrors in the world. This could have been on top of the Pops in the 80s. So, you know, well done for that. Now, for those of you who definitely get a B plus for your efforts,

Starting point is 01:55:54 with four points is Jonathan Foster, Irish Jimmy's Chee. Now, this is actual music. I think Jonathan took this competition seriously. You've got actual talent. Go and do something great with it. Four points to Josh Triska, The Old Man Cometh. Now, you should sell this song to a hot sauce company's marketing team and you'll make millions. Of course, after you remove the reference to methamphetamines.

Starting point is 01:56:22 And I'll take 10% of my referral fee in cash not in drugs four points to ukulele john down at the spoff and pickle now this is a cheeky cheery look into the life of a local pub that you'd like to visit before leaving hurriedly when you see some of the clientele and finally my personal favorite because it took me back to a better time. Five points to Lee Spence, Nostalgia's Gonna Get You. I want to see the music video to this immediately. And I want to be in that video too. Listen to it.

Starting point is 01:56:56 It'll make you happy. Especially if you grew up in the 80s and 90s when the world was better. And that's it from me. Now, thank you for having me as a judge. And well done to all the competitors. You're all very talented, although some of you clearly need a hug right now, which you can almost do again. So that's all from me.

Starting point is 01:57:12 Have a good evening. Hey guys, thanks so much for having me as a guest host on your PishaVision thing. You're in Ville, whatever. So I gave out some points. I even listened to some of the music. So here we go. My five two pointers are your man of the jungle watching shit old daytime TV. Don't get mad. Feel my heart and beware the witch mouth of Keith's anus, which was clearly the Finnish entry. Am I right? That had to be Finland. Now, my four three-pointers are

Starting point is 01:57:46 Nostalgia's Gonna Get You, Piss Crystals, I Just Had a Poo, and Towards Perfection by Gordon Brown. Did not know the man could sing. He certainly couldn't run the country. My three four-pointers are The Old Man Cometh,

Starting point is 01:58:01 because, let's be honest, it's impressive when they do. Come Round Here by the Spoff Rockets, and then Down at the Spoff and Pickle, but not by the Spoffrockets. I don't even know what Spoff means. I mean, I kind of guessed from sort of the gist of the songs, but yeah, I'm just going to say, thank goodness they were good songs, right? But finally, finally, the big one, the five points goes to the most offensive song I have to say I have heard in a long while. My goodness, were my ears offended. My eyes were offended just watching the progress bar as it made its way across my phone. I mean, the things they were singing, the points they were making. I couldn't not give five points to Irish Jimmy's jig. Hmm? What a beautiful political

Starting point is 01:58:54 piece. And also, it deserves five points because, well, it's supposed to get it because it's Ireland and they always win. Don't they? I mean, Ireland always wins this stuff. So I don't even know why you bothered with the other 12. Like they always frigging win this stuff. Who am I to buck a trend? So do I get, what do I get my, how do I get, how do I get paid for this? Thank you, Ria. In life. Where are you going? Oh, I had to do the thing.

Starting point is 01:59:23 That wasn't Ria. No, no, no, you went the wrong way around. That wasn't Rio. You went the wrong way round. It wasn't Rio. I was confused and frightened. I was confused and frightened. No, Imran was second. Imran, no, was first and Rio was second. He was just shorter.

Starting point is 01:59:34 He was just shorter. So what are we looking at now, Eli? Mr. Scoreman. Perhaps you'd like to help me in this duty, Ash. Spoff has spoffed off right up into the lead with 21 votes. 21 for Spoff. Perfect is now on 19. That's good in my view.

Starting point is 01:59:51 19. Down here, Old Man is 17. I'm sorry, it's quality. It's very close. It is. It is in here. It's been in close all evening. Right, so we're going to go on to our next all open. We don't care about the worst

Starting point is 02:00:06 it's not fair to point them out well yeah there's no Neil Poir no Neil Poir right we're going to go to our next

Starting point is 02:00:13 audio clip and this one comes from John Rutledge Eggsy from Gold You Looking Chain he's done some voting for us now so we're going to

Starting point is 02:00:20 play now happy Eurovision 2021 here's Eggsy's votes hello Euro Euro Envision 2021. Here's Eggsy's boat. Hello, Euro, Euro, Euro Envision. Hello, welcome. Welcome to you and welcome from me. Johnny Love Eggs here of

Starting point is 02:00:33 moderately successful pop group Goldie Looking Chain. Also one half of the paranormal comedy show The Unexplainers and of course creator of David Plimpton of the beat the street podcast so that's uh three things there okay so um well star night light just had a poo um great effort has gone in here uh to make this piece of music i just found it a little bit jarring. Great effort, not a bad sound but a little bit too

Starting point is 02:01:06 rude for me so two points. Wow the Tom Chapman experience. Now this was a very interesting track. I was expecting a lot from this and the sound was fantastic but sadly the vocals didn't have the oomph. They didn't have the punch that the rest of the track had. So great work. Well done, Tom. I'm going to have to say two points. Well, this is an interesting track. Ukulele John down at the Spoff and Pickle,

Starting point is 02:01:38 I believe it's called. I personally don't like ukuleles. I think they're the domain of cheap advertising and annoying people at festivals. So, John, I'm going to give you a two. The rustic sounds of Ireland receive two points. That's two points. Wow. V Nessie, Feel My Heart. What a track. It's got the sort of an almost sort of Van Halen sound with a synth which I thought was great.

Starting point is 02:02:07 I'm going to give this a strong two points. The Spoff Rockets, well, come round here. Strong bluesy sound. Real Mississippi Delta vibe going on there and it really hammered home the emotion of the blues via the medium of a song about

Starting point is 02:02:23 dredges. So well done, great stuff, and I'm gonna award the Spoffrockets three points. Well, Jake Posner, don't get mad, what can I say about this that hasn't already been said? It's a strong use of the sort of the electro vibe which again I'm a big fan of that I'm gonna give this three points okay right so yeah electric chair orchestra watching shit old daytime TV I'll be honest with you this track scared me it sounded a little bit like the sort of thing someone who has done a murder uh would possibly record this gets a three well john triska the old man cometh a powerful piece of music i could see this um being taken on board by a perhaps a sort of company that makes hot sauces

Starting point is 02:03:20 and using that as an advertising campaign uh if they wanted to advertise burning their palace with hot sauce, let itself down a little bit on the strength of the vocalists. But overall, I'd say four points. That's four points. Okay, so, well, Lee Spence, nostalgia's going to get you cracking work, Lee. A real sense of the 80s coming through there. The synth was fantastic.

Starting point is 02:03:44 The lyrics clearly match that spirit of the 80s coming through there. The synth was fantastic. The lyrics clearly match that spirit of the 80s by referencing things like Quattro. You know, I really like this. I think, you know, it's a strong four for me. Gordon Brown, Towards Perfection. Wow. I'll just finish my biscuit. Wow, what a piece of music incredibly well performed

Starting point is 02:04:10 very powerful piece of music and I would say four points okay so Devastating Macho Man I believe that's was that one Devastating

Starting point is 02:04:24 sorry I got a bit confused Macho Man. I believe that's... Was that one of those called Devastating? Sorry, I got a bit confused. You're Man of the Jungle. That's the name of the track. Wow. Strong, strong piece of music. Great use of the... That sort of bird sound.

Starting point is 02:04:42 A real sort of electronic vibe. I'm going to give this a strong four points. Well,J Goody Piss Crystals what a belter big fan big fan of sort of you know the punky sound Piss Crystals totally lost for words I mean all I can say is five points five points points. Well done, guys. That's a cracking bit of music there. And here's to many more. I'd just like to say to everyone involved, I've done my best to give everyone a fair mark.

Starting point is 02:05:17 But I think I've done it wrong somewhere along the line. I didn't really understand the instructions. But I've tried. And I've had a great time. And I just want to say to everyone out there, well done. I didn't really understand the instructions, but I've tried, and I've had a great time, and I just want to say to everyone out there, well done. I love you all. Goodbye.

Starting point is 02:05:30 Thank you, Mr. Eggsy. So, on to our next judge. Oh, we're getting through him. The next judge, he's a comedian, he's an actor, he's been in tons of your favourite comedy shows, from anything Lee and Erring's done, to Little Britain as well. So, we we're gonna crack on with his next one so sanya can you please press the paul putner putner button please here's paul putner with his votes hello there my name's

Starting point is 02:05:57 paul putner some of you at home might remember me or if you're walking about with it on your personal stereo some of you may remember me from television programs from the past or maybe you've heard me on the radio or maybe you've heard me stood behind you in a queue in an off license um yeah now oh well not only is it a great honor to appear on the cheap show podcast you in Vision 2021, it's also fucking inconvenient because I've got a lot of things to do. I've got household chores to be getting on with. But I have to say, well, I don't have to say,

Starting point is 02:06:33 no one's making me say it, no one's twisting my arm. But no, I do have to say, though, that the standard of musicianship, the songwriting is quite brilliant on Paul McCartney's most recent album and you know the quality of the of the standard of music in your envision hasn't been too shabby either so here are the points

Starting point is 02:06:55 My big five-point hitter of 2021 is Nostalgia's Gonna get you by lee spence well what can i say i was hearing uh new order pet shop boys electronic gas water raging tinnitus and the voices in my head i'm not gonna do it barty i'm not gonna do it and it really did evoke so much longing in me because it did here's something interesting did you know um the suffix algia comes from the Greek word algos or algos I don't know and that means pain and that's why you get it in medical terms like neuralgia or gastralgia because it is an affliction I should know I never stop reminiscing always reminiscing always remembering things that people have long forgot about like

Starting point is 02:07:57 Coco Pops remember them oh Coco P, made to make your mouth water. Yeah, I used to like them. Yeah, I think about them and cast your mind back to Haribo, Tangfastics. Remember the little bear, the little bow tie. Yeah, you see, it can be toxic. You can't live in the past. I mean, just remembering things is just not good for you unless you're peter kaye of course and it's made you a millionaire i'm not talking about him but you've got to forge ahead which we will now into tier four these are the ones i've given four points beware the witch mouth of keith Anus by the Tom Chapman experience that was great that was sort of like Christopher Lee's heavy metal album

Starting point is 02:08:49 wasn't it? Shalami in the cross and the fire. My only main criticism of that is that Tom Chapman he didn't find a rhyme for the word anus I know it's a difficult word to find a rhyme for I would have suggested Samantha Janus the former Game On actress who appeared in EastEnders but she became Samantha Womack so I'll forget that but really good love that. Your Man of the Jungle by Devastating Macho Charisma. I think this is genius I really do I think it's the most original a number out of everyone okay so now we have Piss Crystals by LJ Goody now I really like this this is proper old-school punk heavy rock kind of vibe going on about this and the

Starting point is 02:09:38 subject matter is unusual he's keeping to the piss motif of the show he's singing about I don't know a urinary infection cystitis or perhaps an STD I'll have to explain that to the host later on what that is come round here by the spoff rockets yeah they were very good I feel terrible skimming over this do you know I actually did a review for each one of these until I realized oh oh hang on, this nearly runs just under an hour, which I think we didn't have enough time. And of course if all the judges had done that this bloody thing would have gone on forever. A bit like the Brookside Omnibus used to get on Channel 4 on Saturday afternoons in the

Starting point is 02:10:19 80s. Nostalgia! Oh hang on I forgot Don't Get Mad by, erm, oh by don't get mad by Jake Posner now I thought that was pretty good that one yeah I would have given that four but yeah it got picked at the post by the jungle one the old man cometh by Josh Triska yee-haw gets three the same with a V Nessie that fill your heart I mean that's proper euphoric low-fi high energy you know whiff of amyl nitrate about it it's sort of record um that you'd be dancing around your wallet on the dance floor too So here's my two points. Watching Shit and O Daytime TV by Electric

Starting point is 02:11:07 Chair Orchestra. A song about masturbation and it's strange he had sound effects which went every time he ejaculated. You want to get that scene to. That seemed like trapped air. So yeah what was the answer? Towards Perfect Gordon Brown lovely but not quite right for this show same goes for um the the Irish Jimmy's jig by Jonathan Foster most musically accomplished but yeah a little bit David Kelly these these two records uh records not records are they these two tracks were like um a bit in congress i felt they were sort of if you were eating a packet of watsits and you find a couple of after eight mints in the middle of it now there's nothing wrong with after eight mints there's nothing

Starting point is 02:11:55 wrong with watsits but together nah so they were in the minority but they can hold their heads up high that's all i can say hold their heads up high if they're up to their neck in sewage well sewage i just had a poo by star nightlight yeah well we've had wanking we've had pissing so we might as well have a bit of fecal matter as well. What is it? What is it with you guys, with your scatological humour and your squeaky voices? You're all inhaling helium or something. God, dear, God help us if there's ever a war. Yeah, and down at the spot from Pickle,

Starting point is 02:12:40 which had, by ukulele, John, yeah, ukuleles. which had by Ukulele John yeah ukuleles I'm afraid I'm a bit adverse to ukulele. It's only in adverts because they've been ruined, haven't they? Ukuleles by Frank Skinner and twee adverts, but nothing against Ukulele John and My mate couple of mates in a ukulele band I love them so I'm a hypocrite but only two points for those guys now thank you very much for allowing me to be the judge in all this shenanigans I hope I haven't been too harsh I hope I've been fair firm but fair like a good solid stool. Ah, you see, I can do it as well.

Starting point is 02:13:27 Anyway, thanks a lot and I hope you enjoyed the home videos. Bye. We're back in the room. Back in the room. Thanks, Paul. Thanks for being there. How are you feeling? Thank you, Paul Putner.

Starting point is 02:13:38 Mr. Putner, thank you very much for those lovely and interesting video clips you put together. What are you doing? Showing a spotlight on you. It's all you've ever wanted. All I've ever wanted. All I ever need is here in my arse. That's Depeche, man. It is, yeah. Well listen, what are the scores like after Paul Putnam's votes? What are we looking at? They're up there for everyone to see. Perfect, still doing well. 30, spot-fax 30 almost. Spot-fax 30, almost. Nostalgia, I think. Perfect, still doing well. Spoff has 30 almost. Nostalgia, I think. 10, 20, almost 30 as well.

Starting point is 02:14:12 Oh, it's close, isn't it? 25 for piss. It's close at the top. 28 for Spoff. 28 for Spoff. 23 for old man. Spoff, poo, piss, come and do well. As they always do. On this show

Starting point is 02:14:25 now we're still flagging bear with us we're getting through we're going to our next judge now and the next judge oh shit the dog

Starting point is 02:14:32 it's Tom Mayhew comedian and recent Radio 4 series guy Tom Mayhew with his Tom Mayhew with Benefit Scum radio show

Starting point is 02:14:39 and he'll be appearing on a future episode of Cheap Show will you do me what do you want me to get you some more lice some more snacks yeah yeah yeah What? Do you want me to get you some more, lads? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:14:47 Gannon likes the snacks. All right, we'll get some more. Just fucking go and get some crisps, right? Go now. Well, I'll tell you what. Go get in the kitchen while I step Tom off. I need that to do the score. All right, I'll do the score.

Starting point is 02:14:59 Tom, may you. Tom, may you, everybody. And I'll sit here. Very professional. Tom Mayhew everybody! And I'll sit here! And I'll sit here! Very professional. I am Tom Mayhew, the stand-up comedian, but more importantly than that, I am a man who has pissed myself. I've pissed myself because the show has been that bloody good tonight. I've absolutely loved it, and do you know what? I did it on purpose. I was thinking, this show has been so good that really I should piss myself in solidarity with the Eurovision

Starting point is 02:15:28 So hopefully you appreciate that, I hope you've all done it at home But I'm just, it's been amazing and I don't want to present the points because I don't like saying Some of the songs were worse than others because they were all very good. Well done everyone Like I'd give you a medal, but I can't afford it. Sorry. Just remember that I've pissed myself so really I am the real loser here. On to the points! With two points, Irish Jimmy's Jig. Musically very talented, very very good, but I just prefer stuff with lyrics you know, like uh it's just not for me man i'm sorry like if eurovision had taken place 200 years ago like before they invented words you definitely would have won also with two points is towards perfection again it's like a proper song it's really good but your name is gordon

Starting point is 02:16:19 brown and when i read gordon brown i i was desperately hoping for like a version of Gordon Brown singing Bohemian Rhapsody or something. You know, something like, Tony, I'm about to cry. Sometimes we shall never PM at all. Something like that. If you could do that next year, that'd be amazing. Thank you very much. Also with two points, Your Man of the Jungle. It kind of sounded to me like a children's theme tune producer who had had a breakdown.

Starting point is 02:16:52 It was kind of really disconcerting but I could also dance to it which is not a combination I've ever felt before and I don't want to feel it again but well done for doing that. Also with two points is don't get mad which i thought i had a really nice moral to it the idea of don't make yourself sick like we can all get behind that message but it's just too short i wish it was 10 times longer i really really liked it but then i was really sad because there wasn't more of it so if you can make like a vinyl uh remix of it that's 10 minutes long send Send it to me and I'd be happy. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:17:27 And the final song with two points is V Nessie, which is musically brilliant. It was really, really catchy. It kind of mixed it up within the song. And I think it could be genuinely a song in proper Eurovision. So that's either good or bad, depending on how much you like Eurovision. Now we get to the three pointers. With three points we have Ukulele John and he's basically just pitched you a podcast theme tune Bigging You Up which basically shows that a flattery will get you anywhere. Also with three points is the electric chair

Starting point is 02:17:59 orchestra, a song about a guy having a million wanks a second which I presume it was based on your real life experience. I would like to see you take that on Britain's Got Talent next year. Also with three points is Come Round Here. This song sounded to me like a mix of Bob Dylan and Prince, which is a weird mix, but it kind of worked. I liked it, I really enjoyed it, it's a great work. The final song with three points is Nostalgia's Gonna Get Ya. Proper catchy man, it sounds like Pet boys and and the lyrics are great like don't take a

Starting point is 02:18:29 stand till you reach for that landfill i think we should put that on a t-shirt you know and people will say things like what does that mean i'll be like shark is obvious man obvious now we get to the four pointers and the first song with four points is the old man cometh It's basically a song about someone putting hot sauce on their Willie. I mean we all need a hobby So whatever puts a smile on your face But it's also some regret It's got that line at the end where he says I deeply regret all the choices I have made and I mean, that's how we all feel after we put hot sauce on our Willie

Starting point is 02:19:04 So it's relatable, you know, we can all relate to the message relate to that feeling the next song with four points was Pierce crystals Pierce crystals which almost one I bloody love this song piss crystals had it in my head literally for the past two hours just walking around good Pierce Chris does Pierce Chris amazing amazing work like genuinely release it put it on Spotify put Piss Crystals on Spotify and I guarantee it'll get at least like a billion streams I mean this guarantee is not legally binding so please don't you can't sue me it's not legally binding in

Starting point is 02:19:40 second place beware the witch mouth of Keith's anus and this song is just beautiful really really beautiful and I always love a song that's trying to raise awareness of real world issues I think that's really important that's an amazing thing that music can do whether it's do they know it's Christmas we are the world or now we have beware the witch mouth of Keith's anus and it's about time that people started raising awareness of Keith's anus and it's about time that people started raising awareness of Keith's anus because I don't think enough people know so I'm really pleased that you've recorded this charity record to sort of raise awareness and make people know

Starting point is 02:20:16 that they should beware of Keith's anus that's a really important cause to get behind so well done and my five points go to I Just had a poo what made this song my winner of your envision was the lyrics lyrically it's it's astounding it's beautiful you know lyrics like mama said I shouldn't eat my poo anymore I just had poo and it was great I just had poo I cleaned the place and it's this real raw anger with my said I wouldn't eat my poo anymore and dad said i wouldn't eat my poo anymore real fury it's like god just let me eat my poo you fascists there's real strong political undertones to this track and that's what makes it number one because

Starting point is 02:20:57 it's making a point it's going no fuck you i'm gonna eat my poo i don't give a shit what you say i'm eating it and that's what true art is, that's what true music is. And this song, it's got passion, it's got meaning, and it's beautiful. And frankly, this should not just win you a vision, this should be number one in the charts. I've done it, I've done it, I've done it. I've done it, I've done it. Now, throughout the show, come on. Hello!

Starting point is 02:21:24 You can't just go through a cigarette. Welcome back to Cheap Show with me, Asfrith, and this is Eli Silverman. Paul's tired. He can't just fucking... He's fine. Look, how's the cigarette?

Starting point is 02:21:35 We're doing the scores. What are you going to do? Gleave and not do the scores? I'm doing the scores. Fucking hell. Right, we're going to do another judges. We've got to race through this. Fuck me, what time is it?

Starting point is 02:21:44 It's a bit late for fucking racing there. It's been on for eight hours Shut up. I've got to get The next video the next video is Ashley story and Stuart Ashen's Sanya Can you play their scores, please? Thank you. Thanks videos? Yes, this one's a video. Bonjour! Hello! Salut! Good day! How is your family? My name is Ashley Story and I'm so excited to be here as part of your Envision. How are you? That's cool. So, I am the host of the Ashley Story Show on BBC Radio Scotland every Friday night from 10pm to 1am, available now on the BBC Sounds app or website. And I'm so excited to be...

Starting point is 02:22:34 I'm so excited to be here. Thank you. And you? Yes. That's crazy. The level of the people who put in songs was so high I was shocked. Man, that's some tuneful folk. Thanks for having me. Who knew there were so many songs about pee holes?

Starting point is 02:23:01 Now on to the voting. Towards perfection? More like bang on perfection. Five points from Ashley. What what? Wap. The nostalgia did get me. Four points. I did just have a poo. How did you know? Four points. Get me a pint down at the Spoff and Pickle. Well done, you clearly John. Four points! Get me a pint down at the Spoff and Pickle. Well done, ukulele John. Four points! Beware! The witch mouths of Keith Sainis reminded me of The Hobbit. Keith Sainis is a bit of a mouthful.

Starting point is 02:23:34 Three points! That macho charisma was devastating, and it's three points from me. Huzzah! The daytime TV might have been shit, but the song wasn't. That's three points from me. Huzzah! The daytime TV might have been shit, but the song wasn't. That's three points from me. Woohoo! Feel My Heart by V Nessie. Three points. I ran out of hats. Thank you, Mum. The Old Man Cometh. Not for Ashley. Two points. Made me think about my dead grandad

Starting point is 02:24:02 and not the nice one. The Spoffrockets with here sorry spoff rockets but it's a spoffing too from Ashley sorry Irish Jimmy that jig didn't cut my mustard 2 points Pest Cris- Cris- Pest- Pest Crystals more like triggering crystals 2 points awww don't get mad but that song was 2 points Pest crystals? More like triggering crystals. Two points. Don't get mad, but that song was two points. Okay, bye! Hello, Cheap Show! And thank you once again for hosting the Urine Vision Song Contest.

Starting point is 02:24:38 For some reason. So, yes, marvellous stuff. Thank you to all the previous presenters, who I don't know who they are, and I don't know if they've recorded. It's all pre-record. I don't have a bloody clue, so let's just get on with it.

Starting point is 02:24:52 Look, it's Egon off the Extreme Ghostbusters. It always looks like the figure's grabbing its crotch. It doesn't have anything to do with the Year in Vision Song Contest, but I thought you'd enjoy it. Anyway, the standard of entries was very high this year. Possibly the best we've ever seen is what it says you should say when you're presenting something like this. But anyway, rather than piss around and set up time with the camera pointing towards my stupid face, I've got a celebrity in to read out all the pics from here at Ashen's or Norwich or however it is you're doing this. Norwich or however it is you're doing this.

Starting point is 02:25:27 Hello everyone, it's me, Dracula off the telly. I'm here to read out some lists or something, I don't know. Where is it? Where's the fucking auto-cue? Right. Two points go to... Feel My Heart by V Nessie. I'm just going to read the titles, it'll be quicker. Down at the Spoff and Pickle. I Just Had a Poo. What? Did I read that right? the titles to be quicker. Down at the Spoff and Pickle. I just had a poo. What?

Starting point is 02:25:46 Did I read that right? Yeah, right, okay. Watching shit old daytime TV. And Your Man of the Jungle. So that's all the two points. I mean, I don't understand why we're reading out like the two... I mean, it's just... This whole thing is just me people reading lists in it.

Starting point is 02:26:04 Fucking hell, Ganon. Right. Three points go to... Come round here. I don't like the two, I mean it's just, this whole thing is just me people reading lists and it fucking hell gattin'. Right. Three points go to Come Round Here, Towards Perfection, Irish Jimmy's Jig, and Beware the Witchmouth of Keith's Anus. Fair enough. Right. And four points go to Nostalgia's Gonna Get Ya, Piss Crystals, and Don't Get Mad. Mad.

Starting point is 02:26:30 I'm fucking mad. I'm a vampire, mate. You'll see me when I fucking go. Never seen anything like it. Right, and five points go to The Old Man Cometh by Josh Triska. Good work. Apparently, it's like a catchy song and also has the

Starting point is 02:26:48 heart of Cheap Show in it. Well, that's what it says here anyway. I don't know. I ain't heard any of these. I ain't got time for that. I'm a busy man. I'm fucking Dracula. Fucking hell, me brain's imploded. Hello and welcome back to Cheap Show. I'm Al Shred. Here are my co-hosts,

Starting point is 02:27:04 Eli Silverman, Paul Rose, and please welcome to the table. You alright, mate? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just tired, mate. It's been a long day. It's Paul Gannon. Yeah, it's fine, Paul. So what are we doing with the scores? What are we doing? What are we doing with the scores?

Starting point is 02:27:22 So, in the lead is... I don't know. Nostalgia looks pretty for it. Nostalgia's looking strong. Spoff is looking strong. Perfection is flagging with 30. Spoff on 33. Let's keep this going.

Starting point is 02:27:43 Nostalgia's on 46. Looks like Nostalgia's running away with it. My pick. Right, well, I want to start off. Soos is one now. So I'm going to get Soos' going. Sit down. Soos is getting Soos in. Soos is why you do the points.

Starting point is 02:27:56 Get him a water or something. I offered him water and he snapped at me. He's really cruel. He's cruel to me. About what? Hi, I'm Suze Kempner, a comedian and Twitch streamer. You've probably seen me going on about Sonic and being left wing. Sonic is a Lib Dem, by the way. It's ridiculous.

Starting point is 02:28:16 The show has been fantastic. What a wonderful, wonderful crop of songs this year. Possibly even better than last year's crop of songs well done all and it was so hard to pick my top spot and well done Gannon and Eli for absolutely knocking it out of the park as ever love those guys not even taking the piss yeah top fellas here are my votes two points are going to LJ Goody with Piss Crystals. This is based on an Eli Favourite band. The Piss Crystals are here to tell us about a very painful piss. I learnt a lot from this visceral song. The Tom Chapman Experience. Beware the witch mountain of Keith's anus.

Starting point is 02:28:58 It's a fast paced bit of psychedelia and it warns us to steer clear of the hatch mouth that resides in the anus of the keith trust me i will two points to you the electric chair orchestra with their song watching old daytime tv the lo-fi vocals with the humanly feel instrumentation was very effective it took me back a few decades to a simpler time that included Pebble Mill. Two points for this great effort. Jake Posner's Don't Get Mad is a high tempo remix of a great Gannon and Eli moment. I'll tell you what, it didn't make me sick. Well done Jake, two points to you. V Nessie's Feel My Heart is a very upbeat toe-tapper that is top-class workout music. I need an 11-minute mix, please. Two points to you.

Starting point is 02:29:49 Jonathan Foster is next with Irish Jimmy's Jig. It's a lovely instrumental jig that would have anybody having a little boogie, even if alone in a car. Thank you, Jonathan. Three points to you. Ukulele John's Down at the Spoff and Pickle is a charming ditty about a very saucy pub. I'll be sure to swing by for a Ploughman's and a groffy headed beverage one day after June 21st or until I'm double vaccinated. At some point I'll head down there and do something saucy. Three points to you.

Starting point is 02:30:23 Josh Triska with The Old Man Cometh. Josh has given us a story of a guy who I think turns people on by putting chillies up urethras. This is very erotic to hear about and imagine. I couldn't award it top points as it seemed to operate more as an advertisement than genuine art but three points to you Josh. Star Knight Light with I Just Had a Poo is a song about enjoying eating their own poop. It shouldn't be this cool, but by Jingo it is. Cracking production about a subject not explored that often in music, and a cautionary tale thanks to its vomiting finale. Four points to you. Lee Spence with Nostalgia's Gonna Get You. Lee takes us on a contemporary journey back in time. Remember the 90s? Yes. Remember the 80s? Also yes. And so does Lee.

Starting point is 02:31:14 Here in this catchy song, Nostalgia did get me and it was nice to hear Pebble Mill get another mention here too. Four points. Four points. The Spoff spot rockets come round here is blues rock from a great band which features a colorful cast of characters and a rocking beat it's definitely my favorite song about a man having a spoff on some stuff while it fades out at the end it fades out devastating macho charisma with their song your man of the jungle it's a beautiful atmospheric opening with a stunning soundscape that included the apple loops crowd applause sound and that famous screaming sheep i was taking on a real journey through the possible death of a lion but the lion's dominance over man was devastatingly shown by the audio. An exceptional emotional anthem, thank you. Four points to you.

Starting point is 02:32:06 And finally, my five points are going to Gordon Brown with his song Towards Perfection. There were shades of the style council in this mournful ballad that was genuinely lovely. Yeah, seriously, this was really good and when the strings came in I went, oh, and your voice is gorgeous, Gordon Brown. This was a real touch of class and I'm very happy to award it five points. Well, thank you very much everyone. If you'd like to watch me on Twitch, it's twitch.tv slash suzekempner and if you'd like to follow me on Twitter, it's twitter.com slash suzeuk it like this. Twitter.com slash Suze UK. S-O-U-Z-E-U-K Well done everybody and

Starting point is 02:32:50 keep on doing songs. Welcome back to Chief Show. I'm Ash Frith, your host. And here are my co-hosts. It's Eli Silverman. Who's in the lead now? In the lead, I imagine it's Nostalgia.

Starting point is 02:33:06 They've got 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. Perfection, turning to perfection is doing well as well. Quickly, quickly, quickly, gotta get through this. And the next judge, who's the next judge? Nick Helm. Nick Helm's a big fucking name, we should be spending more time on him. Fucking just do the points. Okay, yeah, do the points.

Starting point is 02:33:25 Don't play the fucking track. So Nick Helm, actor. Don't fucking water this shit. Just get for the fucking episode. All right? All right, Nick Helm from Uncle. Fucking wow. Hello, Paul and Eli.

Starting point is 02:33:46 Good evening. Hello, my name is Nick Helm. I am a judge on a cheap show. You're in Vision Song Contest. I'm just going, right, without further ado, I've already done it once. I'll do it again. What I will say is last year the standard was so high that i remember it was a real struggle and this year the standard was a lot lower um

Starting point is 02:34:13 if anything it's actually made it harder because it's all very gray right so i'm going to do the twos first five twos the first the biggest the first loser but twos. The first, the biggest, the first loser. But don't think of yourself as the first loser. Think of yourself as one of five losers. So the first one is Devastating Macho Charisma, Your Man of the Jungle.

Starting point is 02:34:38 I thought this was good. I liked it. It reminded me of the Avalanches. It wasn't as good as all of the others. Then coming up is Electric Chair Orchestra. Watching shit old daytime TV. Again, I liked it. I liked it. Do you know what? Last year, I can't remember what it was, but I fucking hated one. This year, not so much. Don't hate any. Jonathan Foster, Irish Jimmy's Jig. This one was taking the piss because this one was so technically marvellous.

Starting point is 02:35:14 It was marvellous. This one was so good, but there was no, it was, there was no vocals on it. So I just thought it's, you know, I can't, it can't win because that means that it sounds like I don't like vocals. Put some vocals on it so i just thought it's you know i can't it can't win because that means that it sounds like i don't like vocals and put some vocals on it josh triska the old man comes well we've all we've all um heard songs like this around the campfire uh and this one's no different. Yeah again it was it was it was good and then finally it's Tom Chapman experience beware the witch mouth of Keith Saylor. I just you know feel like we've heard all this sort of stuff before but you know good good for you for giving it a go. It's all good in a way. Right, so those are the twos.

Starting point is 02:36:09 Now we're going to the threes. Jake Posner, Don't Get Mad. Again, I thought this one was really up there. And for a while it was near the top of my list. And then I had to just sort of like roll my sleeves up because this was going to take forever. So I had to bump it down because the others were, you know,

Starting point is 02:36:34 picture to the post. Three, Star Knight Light. I just had a poo. I get what you do in there. I really do. It's better than, you know, some of the stuff in the twos, but it's not as good as the ones I've got in the fours.

Starting point is 02:36:52 And again, I can say the same thing for the Spoff Rockets come round here. Again, really great. And Ukulele John down at the Spoff and Pickle. I don't like ukulele songs, but I've given you more than you deserve, really. But, you know, you're in the threes as well. So then we come up to the fours.

Starting point is 02:37:19 And it's getting hard. It's getting mighty hard, guys. Again, I wish Jimmy's Jig should have won, but I haven't let it, because he hid behind a talon. And now we've got Gordon Brown, Towards Perfection. Great song. OK. Great, great song.

Starting point is 02:37:39 I can't actually remember this song, but there we go. Then we have these two could have won these next two got Lee Spence nostalgia is gonna get you fuck me it was it was good again it was a bit too similar to like not too similar that's not fair but it was very cunt in the gangish and what I was looking for was you've scored high I just couldn't bring myself to give you the top prize not when Iris Jimmy's jig is

Starting point is 02:38:12 floundering away right down there in the doldrums and then again LJ Goody Piss Crystals, this was going to win for a while but then I thought no, which means that the number five top spot is Feel My Heart, which I was torn between because I thought the verses were absolutely bog standard and fine, but I am a sucker for an anthem, and I think that this is you envisions

Starting point is 02:38:45 anthem of 2021 and that's it, that's the top spot again Irish Jimmy's Cheek should have won really I suppose I don't know what I've done there sorry, there you go guys

Starting point is 02:39:01 congratulations to everyone especially Paul and Eli. Do you want some energy mate? Have some. No don't, don't. No, no, no. I think he needs the energy. Look he's really flagging. I'm fine, I'm fine. I've just got to get a crisp down there.

Starting point is 02:39:21 Paul, did you, I think there's been a... What? Which crisp did you put in that bowl? Um... Smell those crisps. Do they smell like shrimp to you? It smells like a fucking Floridian roadside crab shack. That's what a goose smells like. It's not what a fucking land goose... Are they safe to eat? Are they safe to eat?

Starting point is 02:39:40 He is quite severely allergic. No, he doesn't. No, no, he gave him the other ones. I didn't. He hasn't given him the ones that aren't safe to eat. Smell that. I haven't done anything wrong. I think you did it... I'm not accusing you.

Starting point is 02:39:53 Hold on. I'm saying you might have just grabbed the wrong... He's shrimp. Seafood. I've got one last judge. You've had the fucking shrimp, Chris. I don't think he has. I think he must have inhaled a particle.

Starting point is 02:40:07 Why's the bag empty? It's hay fever. This bag is empty. It smells like crab. I think it's just hay fever. There's a strong fishy smell. I'm sitting right here and it smells like old fish. There's been high pollen today, I think. Who's in the lead or something? There's a terrible smell of...

Starting point is 02:40:27 Don't put them here. Brian Wecht! I'll get Brian on. I'll do it. Press it, Brian. Sanya's over there. Let's Brian, please. Sanya, maybe call an ambulance?

Starting point is 02:40:37 Are they safe to eat? Brian, what? Yeah, it's just he's fucking allergic to fish, isn't he? There's no such thing as a land fish. He hasn't had... I'll be playing. I think he's possibly been stung by a wasp. Press Brian.

Starting point is 02:40:53 Might have been a wasp. Hello, my name is Brian Wecht. I am Ninja Brian from the band Ninja Sex Party and Ninja Brian from the band Starbomb and myself from a kids band called Go Banana Go. So I was a judge at the Urine Vision last year, and I have to say I am very impressed with the entries this year. I thought people did a really great job to the level where,

Starting point is 02:41:16 like last year I remember judging and hearing a few where I was like, okay, that's definitely a lowest tier one. All of these, I was like, well, you know, I could see these. I felt bad about assigning the lowest category to any of these because I really, really was impressed all the way around. All right. So I am now going to give you my point assignments for this year. First, I'm going to have a little bit of a drink. In the States, we have something called water, which I really enjoy drinking.

Starting point is 02:41:44 All right. we have something called water, which I really enjoy drinking. All right. So for my, let's see, my two-point picks. So five of these. In no particular order, the songs that I am awarding two points to are Piss Crystals by L.J. Goody, Come Round Here by the Spoff Rockets, Your Man of the Jungle by Devastating Macho Charisma Nostalgia's Gonna Get You by Lee Spence

Starting point is 02:42:10 and Watching Shit Old Daytime TV by the Electric Chair Orchestra First of all, Electric Chair Orchestra, really, really great name on these. A couple comments about some of these, just in general. I'm just reading my notes. I do think the singer of Piss Crystals should see a doctor because that sounds... It sounds like there's something going on there worth

Starting point is 02:42:34 talking to a medical professional about. So I would encourage you to do that. Actually, the one of these that stood out the most to me was Come Round Here by the Spoff Rockets. I don't know if this was intentional, but I got a real Zappa kind of vibe from this song. It reminded me of the Zappa song Cosmic Debris with the changes in timbre of the vocals, the low stuff,

Starting point is 02:42:57 high stuff, kind of bluesy. I thought this was a really cool song. And listening to it, I was like, this person, I think this person is a Zappa fan. The other thing I wanted to say is about nostalgia is going to get you. I had no idea what half of those things were because I'm not British. So I was like, oh, okay. Well, clearly that was a thing to the person listening to this song. So I think I was not quite enough in the target audience for that song. although I am a sucker for in the bass synth octaves that go love that. I use it all the time. I think it's awesome. All right, those are my two point selections. Coming next, coming in for three points, there are four of

Starting point is 02:43:39 these. In no particular order, The Old Man Cometh by Josh Triska, Feel My Heart by V Nessie, Don't Get Mad by Jake Posner, and Beware the Witch Mouth of Keith's Anus by the Tom Chapman Experience. These were really fun. Comments on these, I couldn't tell. The Old Man Cometh, is that person doing a fake american accent maybe i really like the real what sounded like real violin and accordion on that i do hate the word midas and i that is just a personal preference so i i couldn't rate this one higher simply because

Starting point is 02:44:15 of the word midas um i also really liked in don't get mad uh the samples, and it was very, there's a lot of pandering going on there, but it worked. So good job with that. All right, now, next here. These are my four pointers. Again, in no particular order. Irish Jimmy's Jig by Jonathan Foster. Down at the Spoff and Pickle by Ukulele John, and I Just Had a Poo by Star Nightlight. Or Star Nightlight? I'm not sure which one that's supposed to be. These are all great in different ways. I really liked... I'm going to say something about all these. Irish Jimmy's Jig, just a fun instrumental song, really well recorded, really well written, like that a lot. Down at the Spoff and Pickle, I'm a sucker for two things about this.

Starting point is 02:45:08 One is a good ukulele song with interesting harmonic progression. I thought that was awesome. Any reference to Dick Vampires, I am completely all about. I was very, very happy to hear that. Love Dick Draculas. And what can I say?

Starting point is 02:45:27 I Just Had a P it's an astonishing achievement you know it really what else could you want from uh from a song i just i thought that was interesting there was a good field change in the middle i did notice a recurring theme about eating poo uh but that's you know that that's not even that's actually a plus it's not a bad thing all right now uh by process of elimination, you can probably guess what my top choice is. My number one song, my winner, personal first choice for your Envision 2021, is Towards Perfection by Gordon Brown.

Starting point is 02:45:58 This song, I was listening to this, and I was like, this could be a radio hit. It's touching. It's giving me like kind of Angelo Badalamente, Twin Peaks, and Bright Eyes kind of vibes. A really great performance. I love the pad sound on the synth. It's no, I just had a poo, but then what is. It's kind of a song that it's simple, but it has a lot going on in it.

Starting point is 02:46:21 I really, really loved this song and I was listening to it and I was like, this sounds like this could be uh on the radio all right everybody those are my picks let's see did i get uh i get everything yes i did uh those are my picks for uh for this year's urine vision once again thank you so much to paul and eli for for having me on uh love cheap show and i want everybody to have an amazing Eurovision. The thing is, I saw, I did see a wasp here earlier. No, it's not fucking, it's the fish. They stink of vagina. Bad vagina. I didn't mean it like that. You know what I mean.

Starting point is 02:46:55 I read that Paul's allergic to wasps. Paul, you need to go. They need to get you some fucking anti-estimate or something at least. Yeah, for wasp stings. Hello! That's it. The results are all in. I'm on a fucking anti-estimate or something at least. Yeah, for wasp stings. And pollen. Hello. That's it.

Starting point is 02:47:06 The results are all in. Welcome back. It's time for the winner of your envision. Cheap shows, your envision. Pull. Here we go. Here we go. I've got to stick.

Starting point is 02:47:20 You just sit down. Lie down. You're not doing the puppet show. We've got more. The winner of your Envision 2021 is Nostalgia's Gonna Get You by Lee Spence. Well done.

Starting point is 02:47:37 Well done. It was a close-fought battle. I can tell you, in second place was Turning Towards Perfection. Yeah! And then we had a joint third, Piss Crystals and Spoff, whatever that one was. And Eli and Paul will sign this and send it to you. This is the genuine article.

Starting point is 02:47:55 Thank you so much for tuning in. We're going to do the final song. We're going to listen to the final song, the winning song again. No, Paul, one of us could do it. We're going to do the final song. Okay, I'll just put it in there and then we'll just fucking... Come on. I don't know if it's a good idea. We're going to listen now to the winning song for Urinevision 2021.

Starting point is 02:48:13 I don't know if it's a good idea. Just get round that side, for fuck's sake. I think... Sanya, can you call an ambulance? I'll do it. I'm going to do it. Seriously, someone do it. Play the track. OK, Paul, yes, we're call an ambulance? I'll do it, I'm gonna do it. Seriously, someone do it. Play the track. Okay, play the track. Okay, call, yes, we're playing the track.

Starting point is 02:48:28 I'm serious, can we get, seriously, okay. Play the track. I'll just see what they say. Well, no, don't call 111, call 999. Just play the track. 999. Do it. 111's useless.

Starting point is 02:48:39 Do it. Okay, I'm on it, I'm on it. Do it, play the track. Fuck me. Ask Eli, ask Taylor. Play it! Okay. Tell them it was an track. Fuck me. Ask Eli, ask Taylor. Wait! Okay. Tell them it was an accident.

Starting point is 02:48:47 Do you want some crisps? No. I need that good time feeling just like back in the day When the real problems of the world were kept far away I could wander with my childhood games and pop music sounds Or the films that I was too young for the first time around If ontology is your pathology Then nostalgia's gonna get you

Starting point is 02:49:14 Nostalgia's gonna get you Oh, UK! My local shopping centre is where I bought the beans Though they whitewashed me past they only call back in 93 That fame shop won't stop games on Nikon MySpectrum Plus Added discount to the market used to be Toys R' Us Now get a... get a hand! With the naked gun, still alive

Starting point is 02:49:42 Don't kick him! I'm not pushing it! I'm not pushing it! You have to loosen up and help me mate! Wait for the big pan to melt man! Oh my! I've got to get it out and get some fresh air or something! I saw the wasp out there!

Starting point is 02:49:58 To end this fucking show turn it off! Turn it off! It was just a wasp! Turn it off! Turn it off!

CheapShow - Ep 232: Urinevision 2021

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