CheapShow - Ep 234: The CheapShow Treasure Hunt Nightmare

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

It's another rambling adventure on CheapShow this week as the Cheap Chaps head onto Hampstead Heath for a curious adventure. Paul's been dragged to the heath by Eli to help him make sense of a terrible dream he had. When Eli awoke, he scrawled down four riddles that Paul must make sense of and navigate the Heath to see where all this is leading to. Where does it lead to? It's something that could be very troubling indeed! As Paul goes full "Treasure Hunt with Anneka Rice”, Eli tries to make sense of his troubling vision. Along the way there are usual spats, laughs, tangents and a strange chap called Tallywacker Jones, who is NO help at all. However, there is a dark cloud hanging over their sunny day and it doesn't bode well... at all! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-234-treasure-hunt-nightmare And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

sexy puppets what are you awake what what don't come in what don't come in what do you want mate i've just had this really weird dream right okay a lot of people say that and stuff but this was really it's really disturbed me I had to wake you up yeah well all right or do you do this can this not wait can this not wait Paul Paul I've written it all down okay yeah it was like someone was telling me to go on this journey and it was like they were very insistent yeah and it felt, I don't know how to say this, but it felt like a god, like an elder god or something like that.

It felt, no, I'm fucking... This is what happens when you eat too much crap before bed and you have vivid dreams about thinking you're a fucking eldritch god. Crack, did you say? No. You got any crack? No, I didn't say anything about crack. That's a big jump.

Although the crack would explain you having fucking weird dreams. No, listen, mate. Did you have a crack kebab? No, I didn't. Is that what it is? No, fucking no. Crack kebab.

Maybe it was the kebab. Maybe it was. Because it wasn't like being asleep, though. It was like having a vision. And it's very important. Something is telling me it's very important that you help with this. They said, Ganon.

They kept saying Ganon, Ganon. A voice in your head. Mate, I've written it all down. And I just scribbled it. As soon as I woke up, I just scribbled it all. That was part of the directive to write the stuff down, yeah? And I just scribbled it all down really quickly. They seem to be, like, clues for locations on Hampstead Heath.

So we have to do this. So we have to now go to Hampstead Heath and run around. It's fine, I know the Heath. And run around because you've had a fucking wet dream. It wasn't wet. I did have a quick... I just relieved myself. I was hard.

Hard when I woke up. Rock hard. I'm rock hard now and you've woke me up well are you hard for this little adventure then because we can go

we're not far from the heath here we'll just go out there we'll see what you know there might be something there mate or it might just be fucking running around the heath on a hot day

for no real reason other than the fact that you've had a dirty dream where you've extended once again your belief your God this could be it again your belief you're god just this could be it i could be the new prophet and this could be the birth of it we might find some kind of scripture in these places but the the voice paul the voice was insistent he was insistent that you

ganon he said ganon must be the finder of the path that's i can't believe this all coming back to me now it's weird it's like it's all coming back to me now. It's weird. It's like it's written in my head in words of fire. Is this the way for you to get me to the heath? To kiss me on the willy? Because we can do that here right now. Do you know I will never fucking even look at your willy unless you fucking did a clockwork orange on me

and held my eyeballs open? And jabbed at your eye with my cock yes boinky boinky boinky come on get out of there alright I tell you what then let me get my clothes on

let me get stuff to record this momentous day and then we'll set off alright four clues all over the heath I think it is I don't know

because it came to me in a vision but you'll have to find out you can use your Annika Rice treasure hunting skills. Oh, does that mean we're going on a treasure hunt today? Yes, it's a Hampstead Heath treasure hunt with Cheap Show.

Come join us, boys and girls. Let's go. Thank you. Right, so our treasure hunt begins here, does it, Mr Silverman, on the platform of Haringey Green Lanes Overlands Station. Overground. Haringey Overground. Haringey Green Lanes Overland Station. Overground. Haringey Overground. Haringey Green Lanes. Haringey Overground, wombling free. I'm my bat and I smell of pee. I've got an arsehole that swallows chairs up

and then they come round here and I've had enough. I was wrong to not stop you. Right, that was on me. So, right, yes, so we're here. And where are we heading to from this point? Well, according to these extremely cryptic and... I mean, the writing is very scrawled, like a child wrote it? It's strange.

Was it automatic? I think I was still in a trance from the dream I had. So it was like automatic writing then, where you weren't really there, but your hand was moving. It could be an evil demon of some sort, leading us both astray, leading us perhaps to some kind of horrible fate in the midst of Hampstead Heath.

Or there could be lollipops at the end of the rainbow, and I hope there's lollipops. Do you, Joe, what do you want? Lollipops or Eldritch God? I'd go for a bit of both. I'd like a Cthulhu pop. It could be lime-flavoured. A lime-'d like a Cthulhu pop. It could be lime flavoured. Lime flavoured Cthulhu pop. You know and you could have the whole Elder God series.

Cheap shows pickle flavoured Eldritch pops. How about that? According to this nebulous and vague, strangely poetic notes that I've scrawled. Okay thanks for noticing that. I've scrawled. There's some kind of structure to this. It looks like the adventure that we need to go on, Paul, is in four parts. Right. And it says something about the part of the Lane of Swain here. The Lane of Swaineth. Is that a clue or is this our starting point?

Swain's Lane is where we're starting. Right, okay, fucking good. So it didn't say anything about Haringey, Green Lanes, but that's how we get to Swain's Lane. I mean, it's the only way we can't just pop there. We're going to get the overground to Gospel Oak, and then we're going to get a bus from Gospel Oak, a short distance to the part of the heath where I used to go to school,

where Swains Lane is. Also, there's a building there which says Bean Feast on it. Already I'm interested. The Bean Feast building is. Already I'm interested. The Bean Feast building is already to good my fancy. And there's a landmark that we used to refer to as the tampon on the hill. So we'll see that, Paul. The tampon,

Bean Feast. The tampon the hill. The tampon the hill. You should have stopped yourself, mate. It's your job to stop me. It's my job to stop you. We're both reckless. I thought that song was good. Come round here. Fuck me.

Right, well, we're just waiting for the train. The train is a few minutes away. Paul, let me tell you, when we get on the train it's a very short little distance. Under 15 minutes, usually, to get into Gospel Oak, which is the end of the line. This is the Gospel Oak to Barking line of the Overground. And hey, what a glorious day it is to go on a treasure hunt.

We're out, it's a lovely day. There's a few clouds, but it's warm, it's not unpleasant, not too hot. It's actually less sort of glaringly sort of cloudless than it was forecasted to be, isn't it, Paul? Which is a bit nicer, a bit less burny-burny. Well, it looks like we've got a trek today, so I'm glad it's not too hot,

because we're old, out-of-shape men. Paul, I don't know how... It's hard for me to sort of measure how long it's going to be. It's all this writing I put down. I was half asleep, I was in a trance, and it's weird. I felt like that presence was still there directing me. Make Ganon walk.

It was saying, make him walk. So, we're waiting for the train. day just look down lovely tuesday day look down the line you can see almost all the way to where it goes under oh yeah park that goes oh yeah tunnel goes under finstry well i look forward to it anyway let's get our shit together because i've got my little stool and i got my little bag of water and stuff and my little recording stuff so i'm good to go the train's going to take us to our first destination why don't you join us a little bit later on when we've gotten there. Right the trains pulling out of Crouch Hill what does Eli want to say that he's gonna find amusing and is not?

Two things Paul I've enjoyed you having a little... gospel oak yeah I've enjoyed you having a little tizzy fit because you took the wrong bag, didn't you? And look, you've taken this extremely heavy folding chair thing. Everything's going wrong for Paul at this point. This is when the journey... You're the hero of today's adventure, Paul. Yeah.

And this is when you're at your lowest, suffering under the burden of all of this stuff. Look, I brought the wrong bag and I brought a folding stool with me for no real reason other than the fact that I thought it was a good idea until I realised actually there's no real convenient way for me to carry it around now.

And now I've got all this tech and two big bottles of water and it's just a clumbering fucking mistake, isn't it? Also, Paul, this is a seat that, like, an elderly gentleman would take to Ascot to watch the racing. It's for sticking in the back of your car, not hoofing around. It's not.

It's one of those ones that a fisherman uses by the bank to go fishing. It's one of those. He doesn't walk around with it. He just has it in the back of his car and then sits by a stream all day. Is that what we're going to do today? Also, the rubber band thing, right? Okay. Paul had a complete tears at me everyone the other day when i he thought that i had broken his rubber band okay

and i thought that's strange paul's getting extremely touchy about this rubber band and now just before we got on this train um there was a rubber band on the floor on the filthy dirty floor and paul almost missed the doors of the train running and grabbing this rubber band on the floor, on the filthy, dirty floor, and Paul almost missed the doors of the train, running and grabbing this rubber band off the floor. And then he was like, that's useful, that's very useful for me. That would be very useful. Watch this space, everyone. Paul has a weird thing for rubber bands.

I don't. No, it's true. It really is. I don't. You overvalue them. No. First of all, the band that I had a tizzy with you the other day during recording was because I thought you'd snapped it just to get at the cassettes, and I thought that was very, very rude,

because I was using that to hold them together, right? I am talking. This is my moment. I will not be cancelled by the likes of you, right? Cancel culture. That's what you are, right? So, anyway. So that's one. That's the first time we've ever had an elastic band altercation, by the way. Secondly, the one I just picked up there is actually really handy

because I need it to strap to the handle I'm holding to soften it to the boot. So I just thought, well, what an opportunity. I need an elastic band. It helps secure the... What an opportunity? What? You have that opportunity every time you walk past a shop or anything. It's like you didn't have to risk, you know, risk life and limb. And missing this train, we would have been split up right at the beginning of the adventure.

And I don't know what the scrolls, the dream scrolls have to say about that. Now I've lost interest then. Right, so we're leaving. We're going to next stop Gospel Oak where we'll change. Do we change for another train there? No, we get off at Gospel Oak and then we get the bus, C11 I believe up to Parliament Hillfield which is where we're entering

Well there you go, if you're following us on a map I don't know why, but if you are deciding to follow our route on a map that's where we're going I do have a map which I'm going to make available to you Paul which is an illustrated sort of map of the Heath detailed, which you might need, because the details we're talking about

might not only be on Google. Right. And you can put that picture up so people can actually follow us. Okay? If it so behooves them. Right, we're getting off on facts, so let's go and get this bus then.

Right. You know what? It usually stops on the bridge just before, because what happens on this line, it's a shuttle, if you see what I mean. So it has to wait sometimes for another train to come out. Yeah. You know what I mean? Do the turnaround.

Fuck me. I did not need to know that, you boring arse. Paul, give me two seconds to talk about my record collection issue that I'm having waiting for the post. I want to talk about Tizzy's, ladies and gentlemen. Forget my elastic band, Tizzy. Eli waiting for his records to come was the tizziest thing I've seen since Madame Tizzy went to Tizzy Town and danced the Wattizzy with the Prince Tiz.

Right? I can't go, Paul. What if the records come? Oh, no. Is he coming? Oh, mate. Just give me half an hour. One more half an hour.

Pathetic. Pathetic. No more questions. I'm ending this recording. You put elastic bands on your dog. No more questions. I'm ending this recording. Twangy, twangy. Oh. Right, we're here. We're off at bus...

Shut up. This is my adventure. This is my adventure. We got off at bus GH, Parliament Hill Fields, where we are currently standing on the corner. We've just entered. The C11 was the bus.

I'm not talking to you, so fucking shut up. This is my adventure. Stop it. I'm excited. Instead of getting pissed off you're going to get violent and happy. Yeah. Like a big bully. I'll fucking big bully you in a minute.

So we're at the very, the very precipice of the Heath. Just we're tiptoeing on it what there's a boundary line london county council boundary post metal thing what does that tell you this was the uh this was the boundary between two councils perhaps i don't know or the boundary of the heath itself the parkland i think it's probably the park isn't it london county council boundary there's sort of the remnants itself, the parkland. I think it's probably the park, isn't it? London County Council boundary. They're sort of the remnants of what would have been a stile or, you know, a proper sort of old gate here as well.

So this is obviously a very old sort of gate place. It's just opposite the entrance to Swains Lane at the bottom of Highgate Hill. You know what? It's weird. When you told us, or you told me, that there was going to be a Hampstead Heath adventure in my future, I thought it was going to start here. It was weird. My gut reaction was to go, I bet it starts there with the little buses there.

It's just around the back of that and around the back of Archway and la la la. And I was just, it was just very apparent to me that I felt like we had to start here. Do you think it's the magical message? It might be. And also, please note the signage on the outside of this old victorian uh building restaurant building it says what does it say catering for bean feast party clubs how cheap no wait i've said that wrong catering for and it's three things bean feasts parties and clubs so what the fuck eli is a bean feast i don't know that's the only place I've ever seen it written down. But it must have been a thing, like a party, but more beany, maybe?

Come on, Giles, should we go and have a bean feast? Oh, I don't know. My arsehole's completely destroyed from farting for the last two weeks, darling. No, a bean feast is a sex act between two gentlemen and a dog. Oh, that kind of bean feast. It's the only bean feast full of marabou jelly. Right. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?

Put that in shadow for me. What, this in shadow? I can't because... Come over here. You want me to stand in the shadow of that? Yes. This is impossible. We can't get close enough.

If I get close enough to the shadow, then I'm right over it. Let me inch back to get as much shadow on it as possible. How about I get me cock out? Anyway it's exciting Paul. The first clue it's gonna it doesn't kick in until we walk up and we see my my dead mates bench who killed himself when he was 23 and I used to go to school with. Oh, well, what the fucking do? What an adventure. Oh, I love starting at a place

that holds significant dark memories for you. A part that actually... What am I... What is this? Is this a treasure hunt through your psyche? Sort of, yeah. I guess it is because I've written it all down as an automatic way in the early hours of this morning while a strange voice said ganon must go he didn't he didn't i'm trying to communicate to you he didn't talk like that it

was like i couldn't hear it do you know what i mean yeah it was just the inference it was just the voice was there it was there, but not a spoken voice. An inspired voice, an inside voice, Paul. A voice inside my actual thoughts, you know? Your inner dialogue. Let's go up to my dead friend's bench. Let's start our wacky fun adventure on a summer day on your dead friend's bench. It sounds like a fucking song by the Smiths. Oh-ho-ho, on my dead friend's bench. It sounds like a fucking song by the Smiths.

Oh-ho-ho, on my dead friend's bench. Oh-ho-ho. No, I want to hear more of that. I don't know any more. Oh, no, but it is a beautiful day. It is. Look, Paul, can you name that building that is cresting over the top of the hill?

No, but isn't that by Kensington? No, that's not by Kensington High Street, is it? I'm getting all confused. No. That is the Royal Free Hospital. Oh, of course. Yes, the Royal Free. So what part of the Heath is this? Is it northeast? No. Parliament Hill Fields. Is it northeast part? Is it north, northwest, north, northeast, north by northwest?

Because the whole Heath is sort of triangular. It's a strange shape, the heath. Yeah. And also, the other thing about the heath is it has an extension, which we've been to before on the last quest. We had a previous adventure there. Yes. So that's sort of semi part of the heath. There's different separate bits of the heath separated by roads. So you have the sandy heath. You have west heath.

I knew sandy heath. This part of the heath is known as Parliament Hillfield. I got a bean feast from sandy heath. Hey, mate. Oh! That is real! Did you shoot yourself? You had a look where you followed. That's my bean feast! I'm in a good mood.

No, I'll tell you what, I'm not going to be a sour angry puss today. I'm not. I'm in a good mood. Hey. No, I'll tell you what. I'm not going to be a sour, angry puss today. I'm not. I'm enjoying this. I love the fact that we're starting at your dead friend's bench. What the fuck? Well, it's a part of my psycho... All right. Psychology is in this.

Can we have a smoke and a drink before we get started? Can we just have a little moment of... Because I'm thinking I tap into my inner inner knowledge bank that i can't reach on any other usual day you know i need to reach in with yes yes yes pull out stuff from inside yes um apart from it being a bench that commemorates my friend yeah it's also a bench so we can sit down there yes unless there's people on it in which case what you're going to say get off my dead friend's bench is that what's going to happen no i'll no well you could just do a bean feast party nearby that's wet you're the expert of the

wet fart my friend quack to the future i don't know why i said that just felt funny in the moment well uh let's crack on let's walk over right It just felt funny in the moment. Well, let's crack on. Let's walk over. Right. Ah. I am ready for the journey to begin now. Begin now. So you've got that out of your system,

all the bean feast stuff out of your system? I am much more relaxed than it is. My mind is open to riddles. Riddle me do. Okay, so I see you're getting into the spirit of this. My mind is open to riddles. Riddle me do. Okay, so I see you're getting into the spirit of this. We're at... My name is Tallywhacker Jones, the adventure treasure hunter. Tallywhacker ho! Tallywhacker ho!

Tallywhacker Jones. Yes. We start this adventure. Hello, welcome to the adventure. Now, Paul's asked me to help with the puzzles, and I am a riddle man. Okay, good. And I solve riddles.

You seem very capable. I am Tallywhacker man. Okay, good. And I solve riddles. You seem very capable. I am Tallywhacker Jones, and the Hampstead Heath of riddles. Tallywhacker Jones. Yeah. What is a Tallywhacker? It's my winky. Have you ever heard the word Tallywhacker before?

Never heard of Tallywhacker before? I've heard the expression tallywhacker before? Never heard of tallywhacker before? I've heard the expression tallywhacker. Yeah. Get your tallywhacker out, yeah. It's a penis. Yeah. We're sitting on the bench of my friend who committed suicide at a young age, Paul. Now, it's worth noting the bench is not made out of him.

That's what you inferred just then. This is a bench commemorating Dylan Wickenden who I was at school with yes and that's where we're starting the adventure Mr Jones and Mr Gannon and I am here as well it's hard to tell the difference sometimes but it's no effort mate it's just a non-diplom. Now have I mentioned the tampon before I've mentioned the tampon before? No. I've mentioned the tampon already. Yeah, tampon the hill. Now, I used to go to school nearby, and a spot for meeting at break or after school was known as the tampon.

And you can see it. Can you peer just across there? We're going to go past it, hopefully, once you have solved your first clue, young man. Right. Exciting. I'm just going to consult the scrolls. He's going to consult the scrolls, not consult the scrolls.

Consult the scrolls. Paul, calm down, okay? We haven't started yet. I'm excited. Ho ho, I'm Tallywacker Jones. Tallywacker ho. Tallywacker ho, we're off on an adventure. If you don't calm down, I'm going to unleash some fucking improvised character work on your arse.

You're locked into being you. What do you mean I'm locked into being me? You're locked into being you. I'm not. The confines of me don't confine me. You're locked in. I'm not locked into myself. You're locked into being Eli. You can't add a character. I'm a character now.

I was locked into Paul when you were Chef Winty Minty Man or whatever it was you came up with last time. Chef Winty Minty Man. Yeah. I'll go with that. Hello. Oh, I'm Chef Winty Minty Man. Are you Talleracker Jones? This quest's never going to get started.

Can I slurp on your Talleracker, Mr. Jones? I'm not playing. I'm not playing. Dinky monkey. Right, okay, so, just to set up the parameters of this episode, you were given instructions in a dream state that you wrote down automatic writing-wise, and now there are riddles for us to solve.

I'm sort of half semi-conscious, but it does seem to fall into four clues. Right, that will lead us around. in the form of a lyrical poetry should we just see we'll see how you get on with this paul all right well then i'm ready for the first and tallywhacker jones is ready aren't you tallywhacker ho we departed swains lane thank you tallywhacker if you get away from what's he doing to those he's trying to cut the weeds down with his tallywhacker has he got a very sharp edge to his knob no but if you give it a thwack hard enough it takes the heads right off here come the hot

streamer flakka up no you've infected me with his madness right i want some reverence please whilst we set them first First clue on the scroll. I'm excited. Here we go. Over to you. If getting high is what you desire, come up here among the flyers. Among the what? I'll say it again. If getting high is what you desire,

come up here among the flyers. Hang on, hang on. Not finished yet. Robot birds of prey loom over you. Please be sure to enjoy the view. Do you want the whole thing again? I really don't. I'm going to presume we need to go to a high point. So we're on Parliament Hill. We go want the whole thing again? I really don't. I'm going to presume we need to go to a high point.

So we're on Parliament Hill. We go to the top of Parliament Hill, right, where we can get high. Is this to do with the tampon? Is the tampon the way you get high? I'm looking for the name of a particular spot. If getting high is what you desire, come up here among the flyers.

Robot birds of prey loom over you. Please be sure to enjoy the view. Robot birds of prey, so that even means it's like... You should look at the map. I'm going to look at the map. He said... Right, I'm opening the map. Did you send it? it oh he sent a photograph oh here we go right the map will be on our website thecheapshuttle.co.uk if you want to play along

yeah so all right so where are we oh it's a location there's lots of different clues in that um i can point out where we are yeah where are we starting on that map look find parliament hill fields which is that oh i can't it's a really small map and super compressed I can point out where we are where are we starting on that map? find Parliament Hill Fields it's a really small map and super compressed it's hard to fucking see any of the text well maybe you should use Google Maps alright I'm going to use Googly Maps

Google Maps I like my lovely little Google Maps lovely lovely lovely stone of free speech. Oh. Oh, it's the stone of free speech. That's the tampon. Yeah, the tampon is the stone of free speech.

Wow. So we can go there and shout tampon. Right, let me have a look. I'm looking at the nearby area. There's a, just over there, the tampon is the stone of free speech. Think of the clue, Paul. Think of the clue.

Athletic track. There's a Parliament Hill viewpoint. Right? So there's a viewpoint. Yeah. And. There's a Parliament Hill viewpoint, right? So there's a viewpoint. Yeah. That seems promising, doesn't it? Bathing, yeah.

What is this robotic bird of prey? What types of birds of prey are there? Kestrels and eagles and owls. Yeah. Owl. So there's like a robot. It's a robotic. Yeah, robot cyber owl.

Is there a place called cyber owl? No. You're very you're very am i close with owl otherwise i'm going to go down the owl route and if it's not owl i'd like to be told there's no owls owl is wrong so there is a pun it's a pun so it's probably going to be all right right, so if I... Look at the map. I'm going to look at the other map again. God. West Heath. I'll show you where we are. Where are we? Where are we on the map?

Jesus Christ. It would have been better if you brought a real map, wouldn't it? It would have been better if you brought a real map. So that's Parliament Hill Fields. Right, all right, that's where we are. So, OK, so when I asked earlier, what side are we on, like north, northwest,

we're actually on the west side. Right, that would have been really helpful at the beginning. Some information, please. But it's not West Heath. West Heath is actually a different part of the park. Right. Right, so I can't fucking... It's so small, the writing.

Parliament Hill. There's something called something mill map. Very near Parliament Hill Fields, there's something called something mill map i can't near parliament hill fields there's a another hill it's a hill is what you seek yeah i figured out a hill robotic birds i know is this definitely on the map the answer copy of the picture because this is tiny and even when i make it bigger i'll send you a better one mate alright he's going to send me a better one do you want the clue no I've got it I think where we need to go to

is Kite Hill Kite Hill because Kite is fucking robotic bird of prey you could have just said the the

the the bird of prey hill and it would have been better the robot threw me off because I was thinking like cyber owl or I was thinking of like kestrel bot 3000 or something flyers among the flyers of kites yeah yeah i think i said that though it's somewhere high where people fly shit

so we need to go to get to uh kite hill kite hill Is it the same place as what they're calling on the Google map the observation point? I believe it is. I think that's the same place. I'd have to have a look. All right, hang on. I'm going back to the map. Right, so, oh, here we go.

Here we go. So we're facing that way, so we've got to go, yeah, over that way. Past the Stone of Free Speech. I think my orientation's on, my map's off. I'm pointing towards the tampon now, which is the Stone of Free Speech. So we'll start there on our route, and then perhaps take our bearings from there to get to Kite Hill. Yeah.

Let's go to the tampon and we'll reconvene there, and then we'll find our way to Kite Hill. Well done, adventurer. Tally-whacker Jones is in. Tally-whacker-hoey! I'm off on an adventure. I've figured out the first clue, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, there's a big fat man in his just his undies.

Is that the clue? No. It's a very warm day, and is being fat a crime? No, no, no. It's not. It was just like... Should we mock him, then? No, I was just saying it caught my eye. For our podcast, for our comedy podcast, Mocked Strangers. Is this a a crime? No, no. It's not. It was just like... Should we mock him then? Should we stand here and mock him? I was just saying it caught my eye.

For our podcast, for our comedy podcast, Mocked Strangers. Is this a prank show? Have we become some kind of prank podcast where we go around laughing at the disfortunate? That's a word. Mate, I've been laughing at you for years, so yeah, I do laugh at the disfortunate. But I just mentioned that he was alone in this big field and he stood out. It caught my eye. I bet he did. I bet he did.

I bet he did. Yeah, what's that unfair, though? Yeah? What's that unfair? What's that unfair, you fuck? No, don't start. Why is there violence bubbling under the surface? I'm excited.

I'm going to fucking nail this quiz. We're going to be home in time for breakfast. All right. Well done on the first clue. Thank you. Kite Hill. Great. So here's a little question.

Going forward... A kite is a bird of prey. And a kite is a robotic bird. I just want to say. It's not a robotic bird. What robotic components are in a kite? There are none. A kite, it's a flying wing. It does what a bird is. You could have said a synthetic bird of prey. Or you could have said... I said it's a synthetic human. That'd be like a robot. It's a synonym. A kite is in no way robotic. A kite will never be described as a robot bird at all. A drone, you could argue, could be called a robotic bird of prey.

What did we have before drones? Kites. And balloons. No, but they're not robotic. They don't form a function to do something, a kite. It's a lovely plaything. What do you think a kite does? It just sits on the ground, doesn't do anything it performs the function of flying let's fucking go to the tamp the way a bird does paul so it's a synthetic bird in a way isn't it let's just go to fucking tampax mound or whatever it's fucking called just get this over and done with fuck me Right, so we're now walking to Kite Hill. I've checked my map. I've gone and done looked at it

we've been to the tampon we've passed the tampon free speech do you want to know do you want to do some research into why it's called the free speech tampon? ok I will meanwhile I'll tell everyone where we're going

so we're going to the hill and we've followed our map and we've seen now two naked old men. Two. Oh, he's off on one and talking into Google. Any luck? Apparently it's open 24 hours, so that's lucky. Oh, I'd hate if we got here and it'd be closed. Fuck me. You've only got 3.7 stars on the Google. Someone rated it and gave it three. I thought I was expecting more.

It's definitely a stone. It does what it says on the box. Can everyone just fuck off? Would you even bother writing that other than being a fucking dick? It's a landmark, I guess. Let's look at something. Just find the history. Here we go, landmarks.

Just look at the history. I don't want to know what Google fucking reviews say. I found it, dicky boy. I'd rather want to know what Google fucking reviews say. I found it. What does it say? I'd rather talk to fucking Tallywhacker Jones, you know? Hello, Tallywhacker Jones here. Are you in good mood? Because Paul's being a mardy crap.

I know, I just want you to do some research. Oh, it's because Paul's back, is he? Have some discipline. Who do you fucking want on this journey? Do you want fucking me? Come on, I'll tell you. Or do you want fucking Tallywhacker Jones? I want to hear about the tampon.

Right. Tell me about the stone of truth. No, the stone of free speech. Tell me now. Oh. It doesn't have... Oh, this is terrible. You mean to say there's not a Wikipedia page that talks about it at all?

If I check my phone and find it in two seconds, I'm going to clout you. Okay, here we go. There we go, look. There's a picture of the pergola yeah these are all generally about the heath the hill has yet a third name it's got three names this hill yeah um parliament hill hence parliament hill fields yeah so popular is kite flying here this hill is sometimes known as kite hill so it's only a totally colloquial it was never an official name for it but it's on that map yes it is so that's what's strange that the names get overlaid and the hill has a third name traitors Hill according to a legend the hilltop was used as by parliamentary troops during the early days of the English Civil War.

They hang them there? Yeah, they hang around here. They leave them? Leave them for the crows and stuff to get. I think there's ghosts. Mate, it's probably one of the most haunted parks in all of the world, I would have said. I didn't bring me ghost hunting stick, me ghost doodah, the thing that I use on Digi, you know. Bye.

You shut up. I think the stone goes way back because it's saying the written history of Hampstead dates to AD 986. King Athelred, the Unready, gave five hides of land to one of his retainers at a place called Hempstead.

Hempstead. That's it. So I think... So what, there's no stone of free speech thing? That stone is like the stone that we saw in Twickenham. It's like a boundary. It's sort of an ownership stone for the earliest people, I think. Fine.

Hey, the thing I was going to mention to you... There's not a lot on the stone. It just says the stone and... I'm trying to find about the stone. The tumulus. Do you know about the tumulus? What's the tumulus? It is said to be a Neolithic burial mound, which is fenced off.

We can go on our way to the second cliff. Isn't that Big Bird's friend? Mr Tumulamicus. Wait, hang on. Stone of free speech, Hampstead. Honestly, it's not easy because it goes, oh, and then it's just a big article about the whole of Hampstead or Hampstead Heath. It's too big.

I fucking found it right there. Literally two seconds. Two seconds! No, see, that's the one I got. Find something about the stone there. Fucking big mouthed swat. The Stone of Free Speech. The Stone of Free Speech is on the way down Parliament Hill to the east. Its origins are sketchy, but it's thought that the stone was the focus of religious and political meetings around 200 years ago. Wrong about borders.

Fuck your mouth. And until recently, it was an inscription. It had an inscription on it to the effect that the space around the stone is available for public meetings. If anyone reading happens to know the full inscription, let me know. And then, yeah, the tumulus is a cluster of trees. Yes, but there's a mound. They're on a mound. Once thought to be Bodicea's grave.

Or Bodica, however you want to call it, but it's Bodicea, isn't it? Is it Bodica or Bodica or Bodicea? I think there's several pronunciations. We'll stop there. That's quite an interesting spot. And it's quite near to Kite Hill, so shall we go there on the way to the next one? All right, well, I've got a nice little anecdote for next thing that it's a meeting place because that's exactly how we used it when i was at school it was like meat by the tampon and we i had no idea that it was the stone of free speech do you

know what i mean it's also like uh what is it speaker's corner i guess in hyde park where it's like you can talk about anything there traitor'sitor's Hill, or Kite Hill, colloquially, or Parliament Hill. Yeah. Because it's a view of Parliament, I think, originally, that you can't see the whole of Parliament anymore from up here, but you can still see Big Ben. Yeah. Good.

All right, let's knock it on the air, then when we get there, we go into the next puzzle. All right? Good. Here we go. What a lovely day. Yeah. Right, well, here we are.

We've reached the top of Kite Hill, Parliament Hill, as it's also known. And Traitor's Hill. And Traitor's Hill. Traitor Parliament Kite Hill. And I believe this is where I am allowed to now hear the second riddle of four, leading us to wherever it leads I don't know now do you have some boring fucking story

about your childhood you'd like to mention now at this point well I don't want to say it now since this has become less about your fucking riddles and more about this is your life with Eli hosted by Eli about Eli with all Eli's friends which is just Eli I just wanted to mention Paul

Parliament Hill and this sort of viewpoint which has another famous view another old man who's taking his clothes off and he's doing some weird squats on a bench and now he's gone we've chased him off

he was you're right this is the thing for this episode he had a proper bony sag on anyway right

okay so can we just don't laugh at old man I'm not laughing it's just weird. He's probably going to drown himself or something now. He's just walking, he's walking like someone walking into the sea. Oh, no, he's finding another bench.

Yeah, he's just looking for another bench. Because he looked at that one and thought, no, that's not for me. He did, he tested it out, though, didn't he? I think he's getting the right height to do his exercise on. OK, just to say, this is the sort of cheesy or really famous... Stop looking at the old man. What's he do next? I'm enthralled.

Is he going to sit down? He doesn't know. Make your mind up. Don't shout at him. People have a right to go to the heath and do what they like, Paul. He's off. Maybe he's a bench... Can you think of anything more noble? He probably served in a war for you,

and you're going to mock him on top of a hill? Maybe he's a bench inspector. He goes around and goes, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, bench, that's a bench. Oh, that's a bench. He does that, and then he walks to the next bench. Parliament Hill is sort of the cheesiest part of the Heath. Probably one of the most famous parts of the Heath. Mainstream Heath, if you like.

It's mentioned in a Ben Fold song taken from Lonely Avenue album, written, the lyrics written by Nick Ornby, if you want to know. It's an extremely famous spot in London, full stop, if you see what I mean. Isn't it in every fucking Richard Curtis film set in London? Yeah, yes. No, you're thinking of Parliament Hill, hill which is similar but it's a different you're thinking of

primrose hill sorry primrose hill what's strawberry hill strawberry hill is um a famous war in the vietnam conflict no that's hamburger hill oh yeah paul i've got stuff to say about here now that's archway you see there's the buildings of archway about here. Now, that's Archway. Do you see? There's the buildings of Archway. Yeah, you can see them. That's interesting. It's interesting to look to the side and see all the surrounding areas.

And there's St. Joseph's, that striking green copper domed roof on the church up there. I hope you're taking pictures so people at home can see these lovely things. I will take a few. Otherwise, it's rote, isn't it? Just one tiny thing about my childhood. One of my earliest memories is flying a kite with my father on this kite hill. So it is central to his life. Is that where they fly kites at the end of Mary Poppins?

No, that was set in Plymouth, wasn't it? It's set in London. Do you mean Mary Poppins is set in Plymouth? It's the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Listen to this crap. God, we're just up here It's the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Who listens to this crap? God, we're just up here failing and looking at old men. I'm not failing. I've got one riddle down that I solved all by myself.

And now I'm back onto the second riddle. So show me your little riddle. The second scroll? Yeah. I don't know. It's hard to decode even for me because, you know, something was speaking through me, A strange veiled presence. I'm bunged up with snot.

This fucking hay fever's kicked in. A veiled presence was speaking through me. And this was the second of the transcriptions that I... Hey-ho, pip nonny no. It is I, Tallywacker Jones, to help with this next puddle. Oh, thank you, Tallywacker. I appreciate your expertise. OK, are you ready for this now?

We need your skill-making skills. Skill, treasure. Ooh, back out of that one, mate. Fucking pull up, fucking put a warning light on. Are you ready? Do you see what I've got written down here? See, it's quite scrolly. It's quite scrolly, scrolly.

Scrolly, scrolly. It's almost like I'm scrummaging through this paper. It's like as if riddles were written by doctors' handwriting. Yes. In sight of the toad tree, the heart of the heath, from which the fleet's blood springs, above or beneath, a pool below, up above, a Roman way

to go. And if you like, you'll see a duck when walking along the... Right so here's the thing, it's obviously somewhere central to the heath, right, so here's the thing. It's obviously somewhere central to the Heath, right? So that's fine. That's what you've got so far. Right. Secondly, the river fleet that flows under and through London, it's got to be near the river fleet. So does it start here?

Is there a spring here? Does the spring start on the hill and then trickle down? I'll read you the first stanza again, shall I? Yes, please do. In sight of the toad tree. So there's a tree that's got some kind of frog or toad connection. No, ignore that bit. That? That's a me bit. You know how riddles work,

right? It means all the information within the... This is cryptic, mate. You're loving it. There's a difference between cryptic and craptic, and yours is craptic. I'm the amused lady. Oh, God. That's like fucking Little Britain, isn't it? Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not feeling very self-confident.

So is there no toad tree? There's no tree at all? It's just something you put in? It's not something about the tree. I'll read the second stanza. No, it's interesting. These veiled messages have come through. They're very pretentious. I'll read the second stanza again.

Yeah. The heart of the heath. Right, so it sounds like... From which the fleet's blood springs. That what i'm saying yeah i think it's the beginning above or beneath a pool below above a roman way to go right so is this where the roman road starts out of london and the fleet begins to go right and then the last stanza is very direct it's a sort of a rhyme if you will be sure have some good luck and you might see a duck when walking along the see that last bit have some good luck and you might see a duck whilst walking along the... Fuck.

Very funny. Result of the map. Any ideas? Let's have some before you get in. Well, I'm thinking it's obviously somewhere central to the heath. It's obviously somewhere the River Fleet starts, because I know the River Fleet either passes through or starts here. It's an underground river that goes right through London towards the Thames, right? Under and over.

But did you see in the clue, it did say from which the fleet springs. So there's a spring, so there's obviously a starting point, yeah? Starting point of the fleet? Yes. And now the Roman thing is whatever sits above it on the ground, because obviously it's far below the spring where it starts, so I'm thinking there must be some kind of landmark.

It's more basic in terms of the actual place name. Right, okay, I'm going to have to get this to go i'm gonna have to look on this special map the special map the goonie map that i've got right so this is probably going to be a bit of a schlep actually then looking by it south meadow right okay and it's on this blue map that you've given me. It definitely is. Highgate, Mandel, I could just fucking... Let's look at the clue, Paul, and let's see what kind of place, what are the clues in terms of what kind of location it is. Is it near a pond?

Blough. Yeah, so, okay, so there's a pond down by Pryor's Field. There's lots of ponds, but what's the pond called? I can't read this writing. All I can make out is pond and blobby pond. Number three pond. You're going to have to look on Google then. Men's bathing pond.

You're going to have to look at Google. Pond. Ponds of the Heath maybe on Google. Might be a clue. Viaduct. Viaduct. Is it by the unused viaduct that was built but never used because the land wasn't developed for housing?

Which is also known as the... Could be one of the springs of the fleet. housing so it's also known as the the could be one of the springs of the fleet is that built on the top of the fleet or starts at the fleet yeah it's said to be this so viaduct pond all right there we go so i'm going to viaduct pond and it was funny i had to say i did research and i did find out about the viaduct that was built but never used because there was no nothing to connect it to anything. But we're going to see it, Paul. We're going to go.

I'm looking for directions now. God, it's true. If they brought back Treasure Hunt for the new age, they could just use phones. They don't need a room full of fucking dictionaries, do they? And an old man being genial. No, that was fun, wasn't it? I hated that show. I loved it.

It's actually much better when you watch it back. You see how crafted it is. Yeah, yeah. But also, you also think how fucking impossible it is to do it. Paul, that's great. Now, whilst you're looking for the route to Viaduct Pond, that's a Roman way to go is a viaduct, you see. Oh, it is. Yeah. Viaduct Pond. There we go. Directions, because I pressed directions and it fucking didn't give me directions can we um take

a little detour to another famous spot where it said that there could be a neolithic burial ground which is the tumulus mr tumulus mr tumulus of narnia and that's very close so just check that we'll get perhaps we'll have a little report from the tumulus on the way to the all right then well there we go we've got to go down which do... Do you know the... Just, it's this way, right? Listen, mate, you find the way. I know it like the back of my hand, honestly, and I'll be able to take us there if we get lost.

All right. Okay, so just find the general direction. The good thing about this is there are no roads where we're going. It's the heat. Where we're going, we don't need roads. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Quack to the future. So, it's this way. Great. Yeah? Should we go now or do you want to have a little... Let's have a little little let's have a little let's have a little

we've earned it alright you join us later when we meet Mr Tumulus or something whatever the fuck his name is right we've reached the Tumlinus

Tumlinunus hello I've got something to say yeah thank you for joining us here. Oh, can you turn that off? I can't. The map's talking to me because we've taken a detour. Paul?

Yeah? Mr Tallywhacker Jones. Tallywhacker whore. Yeah, that's all I need. Thank you for joining us here at the Tomulus. It's a barrow. Oh, you've got nothing. All right, good.

We'll move on. Come on. You're going to tell me about it then? Yeah. Tell the lovely listeners about the tumulus barrow. It is what appears to be

a Bronze Age barrow. Right? And... He said bow-ow. I was just going to mention it. My bow-ow. My bum-ow. My bum-ow.

It's a Bronze Age bum-ow. That's what My bumhole. It's a bronze age bumhole. Is that what you're saying? It's a bronze age bumhole. Oh, there's a little doggy. Is that what you call, you know, an old person's bumhole? What, bronze age? No, it's something... Have you cleaned out Mrs. Groggin's old bronze age?

I know what it is. It's when you get your anus bleached and then you get it bronzed with tan. I'm getting a Bronze Age. I'll say it again. So you've got nothing then. So what is it? It's a Bronze Age what? It was known as Bodhisattva's grave.

It's alleged, but it's not proven. Nothing. There's no proof whatsoever because it dates... If it is anolithic barrow, it would date to 2000 to 3000... Who was Boudicca? Before Christ, BC. Boudicca's like the Queen of Britain, the first queen of the British tribes or something, wasn't she?

She was savage. She was a tribal leader, is what they think. But it was very long ago, 2000, 3000 BC. But, so they reckon, before when it was, they say it's not Boudicca's grave, but it appears to be a typical Bronze Age Neolithic barrow. Oh. But there appears to be considerable doubt as to whether it is actually Bronze Age barrow,

because it doesn't appear until on a 16th century map. The first appearance is in a drawing made in 1725. 1725. So it could well be something just added, you know. So they could potentially just put a fence around a bunch of trees. I mean, it is a mound. I mean, it looks like a mound. It's an unnatural mound.

You know what I mean? The mound looks like a Bronze Age barrow or burial mound, but it's... Well, maybe the cartographers just decided to add it. It could have been faked in the 1530s or whatever. you see what i mean or cartographers didn't recognize it until they started doing more detailed maps who knows it's mysterious i've got a fact for you i was going to get out earlier but i didn't have the information to hand this is a mad story absolutely bonkers right i've turned it into noel edmunds sat Morning 70s radio show, and I'm happy. What's the story, then?

In 1968, a man tried to crucify himself on the Hampstead Heath, to actually crucify himself. And I found an article online from, funnily enough, the Glasgow Herald from September 20th, 1968. The article is, Crucifixion, quote-unquote, was to make the world happier, says accused. So here's the story, according to this newspaper. A man, because here's the interesting story.

He didn't do it by himself. He asked his mates to help him. And the three mates are now facing the trial. So a man accused with two others of causing grievous bodily harm to Joseph de Havilland, a 30-year-old interior decorator, by helping to nail him to a wooden cross on Hampstead Heath, London, told police he thought that by doing this, quote, the world would be a happier place, no sin and no racial discrimination, end quote.

It was stated yesterday at Old Street Crown Court. There's a context for this and that context is LSD. Well, I'm sure that must come up at some point. I don't believe so. So the story goes on to say... He's an interior decorator. He's swimming in acid, socially. Like, they would... And that's the kind of idea you get when you megadose for, like, six days in a row or whatever.

I don't know. The article goes on to say the man who's accused, Desmond Polydor, 28, kind of idea you get when you mega dose for like six days in a row or whatever i don't know the article goes on to say the man who's accused desmond polydor 28 unemployed and two polydor yeah that's a good name and two other accused eric leslie leach 41 and an interior decorator and david polydor get over here polydor i guess that polydor is that's the name of that record company his real name is not polymore polymore polydor polydor polymore polydor I guess that Polydor is that's the name of that record company his real name is not Polydor Polymore Polymore Polydor Polydor

Polymore Polydor this is spelled differently though this is Polydor so Poly and then D-O-R-E as opposed to

you're thinking P-O-L-Y right so anyway so yeah he was so Desmond

Polydor was unemployed 28 Eric Leslie Leach 41 is, is interior decorator. And David Kenneth Conklin, 17, unemployed. All have made a veil, London. Remanded in custody. Is that Conklin or Conklin?

It's Conklin. It's Conk. It doesn't matter. It's C-O-N-K, Conklin. Okay. Fuck off. Right, anyway, Crown Court. They were remanded in custody to Hampstead Court until September 26,

when a date for the hearing will be fixed. Mr Peter Spencer, prosecuting, read a statement said to have been made by the police at Polydor at the time of the arrest. Polydor was alleged to have said that the other accused men, Anne de Havilland, told him how Christ was crucified. They asked him what he thought about Dr Martin Luther King and he had said he was a great man who had died for his people de Havilland then said I shall be greater than Christ and gain complete supremacy of the Catholic

world I realized he was going to crucify himself Polydor was stated to have said, I did not think he was going to die, but only to a certain extreme to attract the attention of the world. Okay. So Polydor's defence is that I'm a record company, not a person, and I shouldn't... That's not a defence.

His defence was... His defence was, I didn't think he was going to die, so he nailed him to a cross. That's what it was just a bit of attention seeking and we thought what's the harm

they're all off their troughs with acid bath head the problem is the story kind of ends there I couldn't find too much more about what happened next

reading a bit between the lines it does seem like the kind of acute schizophrenic episode that has been known to happen with large doses of LSD.

You flip out, you have a bad one and you think you're Christ. It happened to Sid Barrett. It's always you think you're Christ. They always think they're Christ when it happens to them. Honestly. Do you think you're Christ? If so, get off the drugs. I blame Leach and Polydor in this. You know what I mean? Oh, what? Does John want to nail

himself up? She says he won't die. Oh right, well, there's a few quid in it. There were two unemployed guys, young, and then there was one other guy who was also interior decorator. So the idea is they must have all known each other. Maybe they all flat-shared or worked, I don't know, either way. Yeah, they were dropping tabs. They so were. It's 68. It's 68 and it was height of flower power and changing the world through... The height of it.

I would be... I put my word to it, young man. Are you ready? Well, no, Eli, here's the surprise for you. I've built this cross. I'm going to nail you fucking to it to our big finale. And then say I asked you to.

No. I'll tell everyone it was out of spite. Oh, right. I don't like where this is going say I asked you to. No. I'll tell everyone it was out of spite. Oh, right. I don't like where this is going because I had those messages. I'd love the final image of this podcast to be you on the cross

just leaning there. He did it for his fans. We're still in the dark part of this adventure. I hope when we get to Viper... I'm having a great time. Oh, right, good. I'm glad you are.

How's your fucking friend doing with his grass-trimmer knob? Hello, I'm Tally Wacky Jones and I'm just a great time. All right, good. I'm glad you are. How's your fucking friend doing with his grass trimmer knob? Hello, I'm Tallywacker Jones and I'm just sweeping the weeds. You're what, love? I'm sweeping the weeds. Very good, very good. Nice to see you again. We need to build the characters up for the second universe.

I'm going to thwap it on the tumulus. Come back here, Tallywacker Jones. You can't do that. Oh, now he's running it along the railings and making sounds. I need to get some pictures of the tumulus, actually. All right, do that. We're going to carry on now to our viaduct, which is where we'll get the next riddle.

See you there. Bye. Till then. Right, the map says we're almost there. We're going up this fucking hill. We've seen a little stream coming out. Yeah, a little bit of a stream. Oh, look, what's this?

I think that was the fleet. This is the viaduct. Look. Look at that. And there's a big uh what is that heron it's a heron is it it's a crane look oh we found it in a big pond oh it's very pretty yeah so apparently that viaduct was built for a purpose to you know for stuff coming in and out of london but then it was like well actually we don't need to now because we moved the project elsewhere so it was built and never really functional yeah and it just becomes a sort of a folly or a bit of the park yeah very elaborate because it has no use because we can we're down here it's crossing do you see what i mean it's like a loop we're at the bottom of it and we can just go in a big loop and go across but yeah i'm getting because we can go into the top of it right that's what we're doing yeah yeah we're going to go into the top of the

viaduct it's very picturesque you took a picture yeah fuck me yeah god almighty i mean i'm out of shape right aren't i let's do let's put the blunt cards on the down table it's good you just need to keep hydrating probably take some sugar What do you mean hydrate? I don't mean, just to be clear, drinking my cum out the end of my knob. I didn't think that. Okay, no, you did. You did. You were like, hydrate. Planting the seed, weren't you? Planting the semen seed.

You were. You fucking were. The joke I was going to make was, I don't know what hydrate means, and then I was going to pass out or be faint or something. You know, I was going to do all that kind kind of thing there's a bag of dogs turds is that a clue on your fucking riddled track is it come on you said you this trip was lacking dog turds and there's a bag full of them grab a bag no swimming beware sudden drop no swimming no diving hampstead he. What's it say here?

Summary of fishing regulations. You can fish here. No. Fishing is normally allowed on the Vale of Heath Viaduct. That's the name, the Vale of Heath Viaduct. The Vale of the Heath wasn't going to be one of the treasure points, which is a little village inside the actual heath, surrounded on all sides by the Heath.

Oh, I know what you mean, that little tiny little street. Yeah, but it's not right on the fringe is it? It's right on the edge of the Heath. No, it's within the Heath. Is it? Yeah, we can look on the map. We'll have to have a little look at some point. Yes, Vale of Heath Viaduct is what this is known as, I guess. I am the Vale of the Heath. Follow me. Follow me, boy.

We're going to go on top. We've just looked at the bottom of the pond bit. Yeah. Is it all right? It's a pond. It's pretty, isn't it? It's a lovely day to come to Hampstead Heath because it's one of my favourite places to explore. I'm seeing new eyes on it today, Mr Silverman,

thanks to your wonderful trans... Trans... Scroll. Transwritten scroll. Two doggies. Woof, woof. Transcribed scroll of the scrolls of the heath. Yeah.

Another point to mention is Hampstead Heath is Cockney Riding slang for teeth. So, well, I knocked his hamsters out. Yes, or I knocked his fucking hamsters out. I fucking knocked his hamsters out. Oh, right. Bench. Oh, I've taken the steep route. Oh god. It's too steep. Oh look it's the viaduct. A pointless bridge. It is it's a pointless bridge. So that's why it has that sort of feeling of a

folly or a decorative structure do Do you know what I mean? But it wasn't. It was foresumming at first. And then they didn't move the project here. Is that what you're saying? It was something to do with proposed housing. And then when that got cancelled, there was no real reason to have this road. Something like that.

So it was... It's infrastructure, isn't it, basically? Yeah. It's nice up here. You can see for inches. This is another... I haven't seen the other side of the viaduct. I'm going to have a look now.

Is this where we get our next clue then, according to your script? My scroll says something about... This side's not as interesting. Didn't I say? Didn't the clue say? Yeah, ducks. If you're in good luck, you'll see a duck when you walk along the viaduct. Yes, and that's what's happening now look it's all coming true can i just say can i just applaud you rhyming ducked with duck

which is just for clarification awful not a rhyme don't prod me with the chair the useless chair if i'd known there was going to be this many benches in amstead if i wouldn't have made you carry my chair i know i should have realized as well what an absolute arsehole mistake that was i'm gonna fucking sit on it now give me it i'll sit i will use the chair on you come on put it down so i can sit on it and make use of the thing i spent money on you're gonna sit here on the vider yeah while you read the next puzzle i'm gonna do it what were the old men are on the other bench? Should we really sit next to more old men? Right. Right, I'm on my chair. This has made it worth it.

I'm on my chair on the viaduct. How many people can say they've sat on a chair on the viaduct? Not a lot. Two. Me and Mrs Jones. We've got a thing going on. Tallywhacker Jones, hello, I'm back. I've joined you. I've just jumped it off my blimp.

Are you ready for the third script? I am ready for the third riddle. I'm excited. I know what that means. Okay, you ready? Yeah. And now we make our way to the abode of one of the Queen's servant's fictional foes. The start of how some say is brutal.

Elegant and simple would be more truthful. Here, Preacher's Hill, this will be found. A metallic digit points to the ground. Is it Jack Straw's castle? Jack Straw's castle? No. It's not Jack Straw. I mean, that's the only building I could think of about this. And they gave a speech and it was on a wagon and they called it a castle for a laugh and then they built

a house on that spot and then called it the castle yeah he gave a speech on the corner of the heath on the back of a wagon and jokingly the people called it his his castle and then they built a house on that thing up like a pub or a hotel some kind of you know gatehouse and they called it for larks jack straw's castle thank you for that um and then it became an infamous gay uh pub did it in the 20th century yeah i know it's like it's like flats or something now or they've changed it's a shame it was you know it was a lovely spot to have a pub just you could walk off into the heath and and consummate love. Have lots of fun behind Jack Straw's castle.

Was that a euphemism? Do you fancy a bit of Jack Straw's castle tonight? I feel that you need this scroll again. It's not strongly imprinted on you, my son. So, the house that there's an abode, it's obviously brutalist, but you like it, or it's described as a brutalist building. Right, OK, I'm going to i'm gonna listen here we go and now we make our way to the abode of one of the queen's servants fictional foes so it's a foe oh wait it's a foe of the servant of the queen and not the foe of the queen yeah what all right go on the style of house some say is brutal elegant and simple would be more

truthful ear preachers hill ear preachers hill no yeah near near near near preachers hill this be found. A metallic digit points to the ground. So there's a big metal finger that points down somewhere. Right. Are you not getting it? I am. I'm going to have a look now

on the map of Kings. You won't find, you might find Preacher's Hill but you won't, you need, this is, you're not going to get this.

I don't know yet. I haven't started looking, have I? I'm going to look on the map first. I'll read it to you whilst you're looking. Hang on, I'm going to close this other fucking map. Big laterally. So where are we now?

Where's on the map? We're on Highgate. So we're about there. So, okay, so... Spaniards Inn. No, that's not a good spot. Because the Spaniard was a foe of the Queen. The Armadas.

It's like a very narrow path because they've had to preserve basically what was a sort of, you know, 15th century outhouse. But it means the road is extremely narrow. Is it on this map what we're looking for? Filchers Hill is on the map, but the thing we're looking for, think of the clue. And now we make our way to the abode. Yeah, to the house. Yeah, or home. Yeah.

Of one of the Queen's Yeah, or a home. Yeah. Of one of the Queen's servants' fictional foes. The style of house, some say is brutal, blah, blah, blah. This will be found by a metallic digit. Points to the ground. The metallic digit is the name of that person's house. It's the metallic digit, so there's a house called Metal Finger. What are types of gold?

What? Oh, shit. What? The answer's gold. So Goldsmith's house or something like that is a... You fucking wanker. The fictional foe. Goldfinger. But, do you want... Queen's a bond. Right, so the queen, yeah, bond's fictional foe is Goldfinger.

So I'm looking for a Gold... There's no place called Goldfinger, though, is there? He was a real man, as well as... Goldfinger. Yes. Modernist House. Oh, Erno Goldfinger's innovative 1939 Modernist House includes his modern art. It's temporarily closed.

So Willow Road Goldfinger oh there's a place called Goldfinger it's a furniture shop it says Goldfinger furniture roads did a little it's to Willow Road Willow Road is a terrace of three houses in Hampstead London designed by architect Irmo Goldfinger completed completed in 1939. So are we looking for two Willow Road? Yes. Right. Hooray! I figured it all out by myself.

Sort of. Kind of. When I said gold, that's what got you. To be fair, I would have said gold at some point. So, yeah, I'm giving myself a big old fat pat on the back with that one. Shall we start drinking now? Yeah, let's start drinking. I've been a good boy.

I've got three Ridley Doos. I'm going to get all four of them, and then we'll find out what this magical treasure is. Oh, start. Right, so yeah, we have to go back down that path. Trust you, Willow Road may be closed. Yeah, I know. We're not going to go in, love.

We're just going to go look. Right. They have it on open house, you know, where you can look at lots of things. I think they sometimes open it for that. Okay, well, anyway, I have successfully solved yet another riddle, and I'm very proud of myself. How did you do at home? Doesn't matter, because I've answered, haven't I?

So I don't need your help. Did I ask for your help? No. Don't start on that. What about you, Tallywacker Jones? I have not been paying attention. Listen to my tallywag. That's very impressive. Really steeply impressive. upon my tallywhack tallywhacker ho yeah bye bye tallywhacker ho it's draping on the ground behind me. You can hear it.

I'd better wrap it up. Are we heading off now? Yeah, we're going to head off. We're going to have a little breaky-do. And now we're going to carry on when we get to Goldfinger's house. A little Bond connection for you. You like a bit of Bond, don't you? We like a bit of Bond.

Goldfinger's house. you you like a bit of bond don't you like a bit of bond gold fingers house mate what's going on what what's going on because you're laughing and i don't know what's going on? What's going on? Because you're laughing and I don't know what's happening. I went to pour a drink. Eli went to pour me a drink and I took his flask and I sniffed it and I said, have you got soup in here? I don't know why. It's iced tea. It's homemade iced tea that I made for myself uh it's just

i thought there was piss in it yeah you thought there was a soup in it it's got a very savory tang because it's had like coffee it usually has coffee in and it's sort of all the oily grounds of the coffee have sort of seeped into it. And then I made what I wanted to be a nice refreshing iced tea. And then it smelled of soup. I don't know what it was. But I honestly thought for a minute there I was sniffing a flask of your piss. Like you'd gone behind a tree to fill it or something. This is PG Tips lime juice, honey and sugar.

And it tastes funny. It doesn't look nice. Why did you make that? Because I thought it would be refreshing. Honey doesn't make things refreshing. I'm sorry. Doesn't it? I don't look nice. Why did you make that? Because I thought it would be refreshing. Honey doesn't make things refreshing. I'm sorry. Doesn't it? I don't think so. Well, you know why I'm doing the honey? Because that's local honey.

Funnily enough, that's honey from bees made on Hampstead Heath. Is it? Yes. Which I heard is you do local honey to avoid hay fever. Yeah. You try and get this local to you and then it builds up because there's pollen bits in the honey local pollen in the honey so you build up an immunity or whatever

that's interesting isn't it not that much right let's get back to having a little drinky poo honestly I thought I was about to sniff your piss flask no don't that's just my iced tea hey oi what's that guy about to sniff your piss flask. No, don't. That's just my iced tea. Hey.

Oi. Hey. Oi. What's that guy with the big telephoto photographic lens? He's taking pictures of girls swimming in the... He is, isn't he? He is, isn't he? He fucking is as well, isn't he? Is he doing that?

He looks very... Snoopy. It's just... Well, let's update them where we are now. He's just... Yeah, he's stopped taking pictographs. And he's walking... He's got twoopy. It's just... Let's update them where we are now. He's just... He's stopped taking pictographs. And he's walking now. He's got two types of cameras.

Stop investigating, old man. Well, I don't know. There's been a lot of odd old men on this walk. And I just think it's worth pointing out. Right? He's fast investigating. Have we embroiled ourselves now in a... He's coming. He's going to start a fight with you. have we embroiled ourselves now in a so we're on our way to uh goldfinger's house goldfinger he is he's taking you should take

a picture of him when he walks past i don't want to get involved with this this is cowardly cowardly take a picture graph all right that's unusual i just wanted to bring that up i'm not happy about that i don't know where this leaves us in the adventure it's kind of it's getting dark eli i know the adventure is getting dark i don't want it to be dark goldfinger's house what's he doing problem is there are men swimming as well so There are old people as well. Oh, this is, I don't know. They are not aware that he's taking a shot. No, he's obviously just taking random shots. You know what I mean?

Which is fine. But like the fact that it's so close to where the girls, and he's using the teriscopic lens, the big one that zooms in, very close, over the top of the heads of the other one. Did you take a picture of him? Yes. I've got a a picture of him? Yes. I've got a good shot of him doing it. Take a picture.

Shall I go say something? No. I'm going to go say something. Don't know what I'm going to say. God almighty. Oh, he's seen me. Oh, he's seen me. Oh, he's moving on. Oh, he's moving on.

He's moving on. He's seen me. He's walking. Oh, he's walking off now. He saw me and walked off. He walked off. He turned. I was walking towards him, and he looked. And he went and just put his camera away and started walking away. Huh?

He walked away. He saw me. And he started walking away. Well done, Paul. No, I didn't do nothing. He might have just been a nice man just taking pictures. But... Let's go to Goldfinger's house now, please.

I don't know. I didn't like that. I didn't like that i didn't like that adventure this wasn't part of my vision it wasn't part of your vision to get involved with the seedy bubbling underworld of this that and the other i don't know there's the car park where they used to be fairgrounds for bank holidays oh is this where they used to pop up their fairground stuff i don't if they do that anymore. Right. It's a big, like a two-day big sort of summer fair here.

I think I'm going to have a sunstroke. It's really hot. I knew you were. I've been checking up on you, haven't I? And then that was really upsetting that whole moment. It soured my day. Let's go into Halstead and get some provisions down there, and then we'll go. Do you mean booze?

I need a stiff drink to deal with all this. Yes, we'll get some booze, okay? It's a dark chapter in cheap show everybody. Alright, get some booze and go to Erno. Alright, I'm glad it's gone in this direction. I'm sorry, are we not talking about your lovely memories of your days of yore? You're sullying it. I'm not. By going all the way.

The world's sullying this day. The world sullies this day. This is almost action packed day out. Paul, this is where I came up on my first acid trip. Right here. You had an acid trip? Acid trip? My first ever acid trip on a Gorbachev. Two Gorbachev tabs. Right here. Look, it's burnt a hole into the... No....to the grass. No, it hasn't the no no it hasn't you've done nothing you've done nothing what do you mean i've done nothing this not our story added nothing this whole day

out is just a chance for you to give a condensed history of your life isn't it this is eli sylvan they the autobiography via the form of podcast walkabout episode. Yeah, well, you've got to try. You suggested this, I mean, in the first place, didn't you? No, it's your vision, you fucking idiot. You fucking idiot. Shut up, Paul. Right, let's just get to Goldfinger's house. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, how do you feel about that? comment below. After that unpleasantness we found a nice little shop where we bought some refreshments. We certainly did. I had a Snickers ice cream and a tic-tac fruit adventure selection. I don't know what the adventure part is but maybe it's the broad

variety of flute flavour tic-tacs you can get. Almost got it out. Almost. And we're sitting on a bench now. I've had a pepperami for my sins. A pepperami for my sins. Yeah. A pepperami for my sins, he said. I got a fruit milkshake.

I got... Look at the drink I got. I got a drink... You shut up. What's that? Vegetable samosa. And I got a tropical milkshake IPA that's gonna be terrible probably is by time we drink it'll be warm so here we are we're at James a

goldfinger's bench opposite no goldfinger's designed living quarters to Willow Road or something in London the solution to the third scroll well done you found it and we're on preachers're on Preacher's Hill. This is Preacher's Hill. See there? And we'll go up the hill, I think, before we head off, I think we should. Alright, okay. So, apart from that, Paul, you live around here. What do you think of it? It's quite a modest

looking building, really. It really is. I don't know what, but I thought it would be, I don't know, bigger? Yeah, yeah. Or certainly, yeah, you're right, it's almost brutalist, but it's too subtle to be brutalist. I love it. It's very elegant. It's understated. You know, the design elements are all there,

which would be in a lot of modernist stuff. He was a great architect, I mean. Are they good houses? Yeah, look at it. Look at the sort of space with the window, the curtain window. Do you think they're expensive houses? Oh, yeah, I think that's probably priceless, isn't it? It's listed, isn't it? Grade 2 listed, yeah.

I mean, I don't know, look at it. They've got big windows, and you can see in. There's a very 70s chinty look to all the interiors of these flats. Probably still in the family, because this bench we're on is James A. Goldfinger, A.G. Goldfinger, born in 65. So already he was working, and he was a famous architect already. This is Preacher's Hill, which is interesting. So why did, hang on, why did Erno Goldfinger design just this house?

Why did he just design those houses? Did he design other residential buildings or anything? Yeah, Trellick Tower and Balfron Tower, very famous London brutalist buildings. He designed this house for himself to live in. Oh! Yes. So he picked a spot. That's why it's known as his home.

It's not his house as in he designed it, which he did, but it's his house as in it's a home he built for himself. Partly because he needed a home, but also to sort of demonstrate his... Modern thinking of... His modernism, his whole approach. And you know, it is... It's very good. He was an influential...

I'm not all that enamoured with it. I like his more brutalist... But you know what my... This is more like modernist, but I like his more brutalist stuff. Is he the guy who designed... Yeah, no, is he the guy who designed that big housing estate near Swiss Cottage,

the one that they used in Kingsman? No. No, all right. That was Niamh Brown. And that was... He had a different sort of attitude. They were trying to avoid high-rise for that. That's why it's all spread out and horizontal.

Goldfinger built towers. It is like a horizontal block of flats, isn't it, when you think about it? Yeah, absolutely, it is, yeah. You're talking about, yeah, Alexandra Row or whatever in Swiss Cottage, yeah. We should go down there one time. Not really.

You've seen it in the movie it looks better in the movie than it does in real life frankly but no he did the you know the Trellick Tower is the really famous one yeah and it's mentioned in that Blur song

as well yeah and it was in that movie I saw the other day with Riz Ahmed City of Tiny Lights you did not like it I'll give it 4 out of 10 5 bags for me

so I tell you what since we're on this bench and we've had a honestly the journey getting here was quite distressing and i'm not quite over it so i'm gonna have this drink before we set off and that means i'm a little bit tipsy yeah but you need your neck the fourth scroll the final scroll i'll do it right please do that their first three have been piss easy and this is the last one right so I've got to walk it governor no you'll find this the hardest hello I'm Tallywacker Jones

and I'm here now this is the most abstract and weird and I'm just warning you it's very cryptic I don't even get it and I wrote it down in a feverish state that's why I'm here Tallywacker Jones

oh hello Tallywacker Tallywacker hoy what do you think Tallywacker Jones. Oh, hello, Tallywhacker. Tallywhacker hoy. What do you think, Tallywhacker, will be the big reveal for the fourth scroll? Er, I don't know until I hear the clues, so I look forward to hearing them in a moment's time. I'm just going to

go to that bush and waggle my willy around and whack it on the branches. That's your thing, isn't it? Tallywhacker hoy. I get my big... Listen, I'm strafing it on the ground again. I'm loving it, Tally. I'm dragging it. Can I call you T.W.?

Oh, he's dragging his willy along the ground again, everyone. I'll see you in the bushes. You know what? He lied to me. He said he was a riddle solver and he hasn't solved a fucking riddle. He's done fuck all. He's just been wanging his wop about.

Throwing it about. And it's niffy and it gets all greasy marks on stuff. It does look like a kind of 70-year-old snake. It looks like a greasy-headed snake. It looks like an elephant's trunk. It looks like a polished walnut on top of a slinky. It looks like a desiccated caterpillar. It looks like a jar of marmalade.

I can't top that. Oh, yeah, come on. It's brilliant. It's all gold. I'm losing the will to live. It's hot, though, isn't it? I'm losing the will to live here. Do you mean you're always losing the will to live?

You've lost the will to live. Are we going to go up Preacher's Hill? I insist we walk to the apex of Preacher's Hill. All right. Which overlooks Goldfinger's House. Where can I have a drink, then? Let's go up there and have a drink. It's in the shade as well.

This is too exposed in the sun where we are, Paul. Let's go to the map. Got a fever. Look, I can see the benches in the shade up there, so it'll be a better... All right, well, let's reconvene there, then. Then we'll do the clue there, the last scroll, and then, okay?

Yeah. All right. Exciting times. Off we go, boys and girls one last push to solve the middle and see where it takes us that's the thing where is this all leading to i hope you find this thrilling my samosa has burst god right fucking hell that was a really steeper hill than I thought. I looked up and thought, hell, that's not too bad.

And I'm now glistening with sweat. Oh, he's got his phone on. Who's calling him? Pettis' agent. Hi. Yeah, Pettis' agent. I'll carry on while he's on the phone to whoever that is. Right, so we've reached the top. And I tell you, okay,

it's a very sunny day. Beautiful day. Yes, we can see the Goldfinger house from here in a better way, to be fair. To be fair to him. But the bench we've got, it's got a fucking quote on. And the quote says,

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, only then shall you truly dance. Is that... Can I just... Eli? Yes. This jolly adventure in the sun has got a really dark tone all the way through it that I don't like. Well, benches commemorate the dead, so they've got the mistake there of using the bench as a... Like... There's the hospital.

Like funeral furniture. It's like you sit on a gravestone. There's the Royal Free Hospital. Is that brutalist? Yes. Sort of fucking ugly. I mean, it's hard to argue for that one. Yeah. So here we are.

So we're at the top of the hill. Was that your agent? Yes. Did you get the role? Looks like it, yeah. He's got the role of ugly man number three in the new comedy show, Human Twatage. Fat garbage. Number two.

Listen, mate, you just stop running the mouth, yeah, with all the chat, and just get back on the programme. You've got another scroll. Don't worry about me. I'll look after me. I'll be fine, OK? The flies are going for our sweat. I can feel the flies landing and feeling trapped

upon my skin when they hit my sweaty outer coat book out are you ready to solve your final i am puzzle this is the final puzzle and i am ready for it take it away mr puzzleman are you where's Mr Puzzleman. Are you, where's Tallywacker Jones? Where is he? Tallywacker! Tallywacker! He doesn't do clues does he? Or just get his junk out? Tallywacker Jones, yeah. Yeah, now you can see he's using it as a skipping rope. Look, you see? Now he keeps falling over it. Well no, no, don't cross your arms! Don't cross your arms, he's trying to cross his arms and do it. Well, no, no, don't cross your arms. Don't cross your arms. He's trying to cross his arms and do it. Try and wank himself up.

No. No, he is using it as a keep fit aid. Now he's using it for two adults to play swing ball on. How generous of him. Can you come over here, please? Oh, and look now, a small middle class family have converted his erection into a yurt. Okay, are we done?

Yeah? Yes. Okay, good. Now, are you ready for your clue? Yeah, come on, take it away. God, you're sweating. You look like you've been glazed. Glazed silverman.

Don't give him any ideas. He might hear that and try and glaze me. And I'll just lick it all up. I'll slip it off my own face like a big self-eating ice cream. Spoff glaze. Over Golden Hill. Right. Or his or hers hill, if you will.

Adjoining the heath, but not of it, the pergola overlooks an outdoor room or interior space. Or is it art? Is it liminal? Within this sculpture... Oh, something tells me he wrote this this morning. He's had a week to plan.

He's had a week to plan this, boys and girls. I'm just going to step outside the podcast by myself. Hang on. No, don't step outside. You can't. Hey, let's do another walking episode. Yeah, I'd love that. Let's do that then.

Right, you're in charge of it. What do you want to do? I want to do Heath. Why? I can make it about my memories. Fucking hell. Shut up. Make it about my memories. Anyway, fast forward to today and he did half these clues in the morning. So, you know, thank you. Are

you ready to hear the clue? You just don't have a clue. You just can't solve it because you haven't got a good mind for that type of thing. I haven't heard the clue yet because right now it sounds like it's something you half wrote this morning in a daze. I've got it now. It's one word I couldn't see right you'll have the whole for the beginning you will have it from the beginning i'm over here boys no no fucking i could help turn the page no you can't you can actually it sticks on and then it's very tacky yeahy helmet, that's what they call him. Tacky meters. Sucking, he's got a suction on his meters. Over Golden Hill, or his or hers hill, if you will. I like that bit.

Adjoining the heath but not of it, the pergola overlooks an outdoor room or interior space. Or is it art? Within this sculpture's eavesaves your treasure shall be received so i'm looking for some kind of sculpture in the middle of a part of the heat which is not on it which i'm going to guess is the extension it's the heath extension now what's the first part again gold is near gold is green which is where we ended our golden quest all those years ago yes there must be a hill if you will right so it's there's a thing called mr and mrs hill no near gold is green and near the extension near gold is green

all right i'm gonna look at the map here we go all right here we go we're on preacher's hill hello Hill. Hello, boys. No, no. Hello. I'm Tallywhacker Jones. Pip, pip, bwa, bwa, pa, hey. While you're looking at it, I'll just do a quick taste of these Lorenz Pringle rip-offs. I say, that tube looks awfully inviting for my Tallywhacker. I'll solve your riddle.

Tallywhacker Jones, you're testing my patience. And I'll come over there and I'll fucking I'll put that into your tally whacking days you know what I mean you'll be called stubby whacker you'll be called nubbin scarred disfigured scarred nubbin scar whacker and you yeah and then I'll come over here trust in me Trust in me You're not my favourite character Tallywhacker Jones Trust in me Do you want to taste these Pringle knock-offs? No I don't

I'm still looking at this fucking map Give me the mic We're going to have a little cheap eats interlude while you look at the map These are paprika chips letton and they are a Pringles knock-off but they obviously haven't got the patented it's a much more flimsy tube they come in and they are a Pringles knockoff, but they haven't obviously haven't got the patented

It's a much more flimsy tube they come in and they come in their own Foil wrapping within that tube, which is totally different from Pringles, but then and they've got a tray. They've got a tray It's a whole different setup And we'll go have to see if there's a good paprika huff on these chips letter Yeah, they smell like Pringles. They smell very much like Pringles. And now I'm going to have a little look at them. They're like mini Pringles. They're about a two-third size Pringle, I'd say. Maybe something like that. And they have a sort of paprika splodgy all over them. And I'm just going to have a little taste of the one now. Oh, very nice. Like a paprika Pringle.

A bit saltier, maybe. A bit more sort of... It's just like a Pringle. It's exactly like a Pringle. Seven out of ten. Getting anywhere, Paul? Right, his or hers, is it near the Bullen Buck pub? Is that what you mean by his and hers?

Bullen Cow or whatever? All I meant by his or hers is Golders. As in it belongs to the gold it's that's all so you you right i can't tell because i can't zoom in enough to read off this fucking stuff well am i close by gold is green isn't the gold is green area yeah right okay good now now there's a part of the heath that isn't part of the heifer is that's the extension no yes it is no fucking is because the first where we're going i'm going there no don't go there the first part of the

clue refers to the part of the heath right gold is hill park yes i can see that on the map right where are we oh fuck the pergola overlooks an outdoor room. So you might need to look at Google to see where the pergola is. Is this in Golders Green Park, not near too far away? And there's that kind of struck sculptures that have been made, that kind of outdoor kind of living spaces. Is it that? I don't know if we're talking about the same thing. Oh, I'm gone.

According to Wikipedia, Golders Hill Park is a formal park in Golders Green, London. And it's part of Hampstead Heath. There you go. Oh, there you go. It's part of it, but it is also the same thing. All right, hang on, I'm looking. I'm looking.

Oh, I'm looking, it's good, and I'm chippy chips green. Oh, a golden hill, or his or hers. Gold or green, that's where we're going to. To the hill, it's very nice. Because there's a zoo nearby, all right? You're on the to the hill it's very nice because there's a zoo nearby you're on the right track there's a zoo nearby where we're looking for

it's very near the zoo perhaps we'll see some lemurs today I'll tell you what I will say it's great having the internet to do the research but at least didn't treasure hunt the TV show right didn't have to fucking wait

for their books to download no but sometimes they just they must it would made really hard did they have like history books and encyclopedias and i presume they didn't write any questions that couldn't be solved within the pages of those books you know what i mean there were like supplementary stuff that they'd use like tourist guides and things but it was just because you didn't do it in time yeah there was like five clues in an hour and that's like they used to time it out apparently by flying to and fro all the locations. The camera crew used to go out and do a run

of all the locations and Annika Rice didn't though, she stayed at home in the hotel room that night and so the next day they kind of knew where they were going but she never did.

So they were probably flying around going, she should have gone fucking north. So they knew. I can't get the internet to work, I can't get the clues.

You've solved enough of the clue to get to the temple. No, I want to solve as much of it so you can't say I fudged it and got a bike because you gave me loads of help. I want to do this. This means a lot to me, Eli. Okay, good. I've had a tough few months.

Actually, I've had a tough about... A tough 42 years. I know, we all have. So, you know... I can't get Google Maps. I can't connect anything. Nothing's connecting. We'll have to go towards getting some better internet somewhere then, won't we? So how about we get to Golders Green and then when we get there,

I solve the next part about the actual physical pinpoint location, all right? That's what I was saying. Because look, I'm not getting anything. You've solved enough. You've solved the first part of the clue. And when we get there, I can whittle it down. What are you going to look for when we get to gold's hill statue no we can read it again looked by yes all right we can read it again when it's fresh because i'll only have to ask you again then

fine i know it's like two seconds for the listener this is good paul you've done the clues well i like this haven't i i bet you've been quite impressed with my i've done a bit of research ahead i knew about the viaduct help was the vi one you needed the most help was the viaduct. Yeah, but I got it. So far. I still got it. I still got it. Also, I did say the word gold. Yeah, but that's one of those annoying things. I was thinking gold before you said it.

So it was one of those moments where it was like, oh, well now, you know, everyone thinks I'm crap. Let's have a little break. I'm going to have a little break. Back on our mission, our preordained dream trek across Hampstead Heath, and we'll end up in Golders Hill part of the Heath but not part of the Heath as well Paul and it is both and yet not it's a lovely park and we'll go down some riverbeds down there

there's some lovely little riverbeds yes he is everyone's included who is that guy chili chef chili Willie or so we've long since moved on from that. We're not going back. Well, you haven't moved on from Tallywhacker. Excuse me. I'm very sorry, Mr. Silverman, for getting up my Tallywhacker during the day. I told Mr. Gannon. T.W.

I told Mr. Gannon I was a riddle solver, and I'm not. T.W.J., baby. You don't have to apologise to me. It's fine. You just do that. Just don't, next time when you go on an expedition or something come along

on an expedition just don't say I'm the clue guy say I'm the penis out guy I'm the penis puppetry of the penis guy I'm the smegma smera guy I'm the fucking

joke of a character a characterised only by my big dick that is like a rope like a big sinewy rope like you know you should be ashamed of yourself only by my big dick that is like a rope, like a big sinewy rope. You know?

You should be ashamed of yourself, T.W. I was made this way. Don't hate me for the way I was made. I was trying to have a semi-spiritual experience. I've got a semi. Good. Paul, can you ask him to... Just go a few feet ahead of us. Yeah, can you just go ahead

maybe sweep the leaves away can you do that alright lovely alright let's have a little sit down Mr Silverman and then we'll crack on with the final finale the last stretch to Golders Hill where you will

nuance out the clue and we'll see the actual end point, which is a very powerful psychic portal. And I wonder what we'll find. Join us as we race towards our thrilling finale, which will be undercooked. see that's the other side you can see all the way over there yeah right so just for the record since our last stop we went up the steepest part of london and i've ever i've ever walked up and i was not prepared for it i'll be honest with you top nowondon and i've ever i've ever walked up and i was not

prepared for it i'll be honest with you top now paul and i feel elated i don't know about you we're in a spot at whetstone pond which is one of the highest points in london i guess where i used to get donkey rides and under it was under euphemism it was under these trees here one of these trees or some donkey rides here yeah they're a main road check it you can check it where the donkeys take you all around here all around up here around the reservoir like a little walk into where we've just been like around there honestly why the would you do a donkey ride around here it wasn't the same we're talking like early 80s it just wasn't the same it he it was Still still having a donkey ride smell of those donkeys and the old bloke who used to

He was a proper like he take his donkeys down the beach and do them in the beaches or whatever He didn't know he take his donkeys to the beach He do a donkey show on the beaches. He's under one of these trees you can you know one of his donkey shows Stop with these games. Anyway, can't I just have one moment... Eli was in a donkey show. Can't I have one moment on this whole fucking trek

where I just think, ah, donkey rides. You know what I mean? And it'd be innocent, you know? Eli was in a donkey show. So you're ready to keep going now? Where are we now then? We're halfway through the last...

the final quarter. We're only halfway there. No, come on. Have faith in me, man. Let's get going. I have faith in you. I'm just, you know, come on, be honest. It's hot and we've gone uphill and we both are a few...

Are you going to give up at the last moment? I'm not. I didn't. How dare you? Just when the road is hardest. How dare you suggest... You're like Frodo. Aye. You're going to Fro up at the last moment? I'm not. I didn't. How dare you. Just when the road is hardest. How dare you suggest. I. You're going to Frodo out on me.

Big bully boy bonus. Because Frodo did the job, didn't he? He didn't. He wanted to stop though in his big mate. Yeah, but he didn't. He ultimately. If he did. If he had of.

Yeah, I'd agree with your point. But no, he did it in the end. So it's not a good analogy. Be more like Frodo then. Why don't you be more like Gandalf and fucking throw yourself off a bridge? Jesus, stop. I almost got run over there as well. He didn't almost get run over there as well.

Come on. Watch out. We've got to get across this. No, we didn't. Watch out. We've got to get across this. See, they come shooting down here. No, they don't come.

Oh, come on now. Watch them come shooting down here now. Honestly, they do. Let's do this. No, no, they don't. Honestly, they do.. No they don't come, oh come on now watch them come shooting down here now. Honestly they do. No no they don't, honestly they do, no they don't. They don't always want to cross the road right in front of a car by the way for the record. But I'm looking. I'm looking, I'm good. See I didn't panic like you.

That's really tough little roads across. Yeah it's not great because you're coming out of a little hidey hole almost aren't you. Upper hill, upper corner they're coming. Oh, is that a mast because I'm getting interference? No, that's just a flagpole. It's a flagpole off in Whetstone Pond. Wait, that's no flagpole, that's our good friend, Tallywhacker Jones. Come on, get up off the floor, Tallywhacker, you can't do that. It's huge, isn't it? It's so rigid, it's impressive.

It's school, Tallywhacker. Oh can't do that. It's so rigid. It's a skull tallywhacker. Oh, what? He's waving. He's waving goodbye. Oh, good. Does that mean he's out of the podcast universe forever? I can't promise he won't return. Pip-pip-pillow.

Oh, he says pip-pip, does he? How many of your fucking characters say pip-pip? Fuck you. I'm having a moment up here in Whetstone Pond. I'm having a wonderful day. I've solved all the puzzles, well 95%, I've got a little bit more to do when we get to Golders Hill, Green Park, whatever. And it's been a great day. I've had an ice cream, I've had some drinks. We're going to go down Chandos Way. We're going to go down Chandos Way, It's where we're coming through now.

There's a war memorial up here. War memorial. On the left, you'll see Jack Straw's castle, which we talked about earlier, did we? We talked about it earlier, yeah, we did. So we are going to pass it. Look there, see? Oh, there it is, right there.

It's got a little crenellated top. Crennellated top, like a little castle. Like a fake castle, yeah. Now, it's meant to have a ghost in, I think. Oh, really? I can't remember. That's Jack Straw. What did he do? You read it out, like a little castle. Like a fake castle, yeah. Now, it's meant to have a ghost in it, I think. Oh, really? I can't remember. That's Jack Straw. What did he do?

You read it out, I wasn't listening. He was a public speaker, a politician. He said something and he did it here. And then they built this house and named it after him. It's almost an ironic nod. It's covered in scaffolding now. Yeah, because it closed down and it's been turned into flats or something. It happened several years ago now already.

It's been closed for like six or seven years already, is what I'm trying to say. Oh, look, you can see the security cameras on the inside. Oh, it all looks stripped out. Yeah, who knows? Oh, they've put Group Nexus in there. I don't know what Group Nexus is. It's quite sort of sinister, isn't it?

There must be people running this. Delivering the future of parking. What a boring fucking company. It's a parking company. Jack Straw's Castle, a colourful pub on the London scene for years, is now an office for a parking firm. That might be the... It says it all, doesn't it?

It does. What a sad indictment. It might have said it all, doesn't it? It does. What a sad indictment. It might have said it all though, doesn't it really? Now, Heathbrough. See this road, there's another road on the other side. That's the middle Heath between the two roads. So we're going on the left side of the middle Heath and that's like another bit of the Heath and that has some Roman ruins.

Does it? Yeah. It's not Roman ruins, like see these fake ruins built by the Victorians. It's really great. We had time, Paul, but we've got to finish the mission. We've got to finish this mission. So, you know, maybe for another day or never. Look it up yourself.

Go there yourself. Why not take a day out in London? I can't remember what it's called, but it's like a Roman, in the style of sort of Roman architecture, but Victorian. Kind of Colosseum-y thing. Down there, yeah. In that part of the heath there. Well, that's something I would have been interested in seeing,

but unfortunately... We're out of the sun now. Yeah, we're in the shade here now. That's nice. Other side of the hill now. Going down towards Golders Hill Park. Well, that's where we are right now on the show, so we're racing towards our finale now. Racing away.

Absolutely, Paul. Just keep it up for the last little moment. I'll keep it up. I've got the wind in my sails. OK, good. Tally Wacker Jones has left us with a wink and a smile. And I'm thrilled. What a grand adventure this has been.

I can't add anything to that, really, at this point, I don't think. Good, good. We'll see you in a minute. Hey, here we are. Woo-wee, there's a party going down here. It's Mr Silverman. You can hear the vibes. Certainly, it's good vibes this day in the end of our cheap show journey from the heath. We're sort of in the heath and outside the heath. Within and without.

Within and without. And very much like the last little piece of the puzzle that you still have to solve, both exterior and interior in its way. Is that the pagoda over there? We're heading to the pagoda. Oh, which? Oh, uh... Which? Oh, uh...

Oh, uh, land. Near the zoo. Oh, uh, land. Yeah. The final piece. The interior room. Its exterior is there. Yeah.

Almost. As it were. You know? You know? No, I get it. I have to look from the pagoda about where the final bit is. Why are they subjecting us

to that music they're having a knees up it's a bunch of seemingly middle aged to late aged people

having a lovely knees up and they all look happy and why are you what are you to deny them that

it's pretty loud Eli oh well you allow them that now here's the pagoda it's pretty good, isn't it?

Is it? Yeah. Let's go up to that. Right. Look at the gardens. I see. Maybe we should have a little walk around the gardens. Right. They're very fragrant this time of year.

So I've still... With lavender. All right, so can you read out the final clue then? Is this appropriate? Is this a good enough spot? Let's go round the front of it. Round the front of it. All right, okay.

Going round the front of it. It's very picturesque here nice yes I know what pagoda is I Oh which I will be able to spot the location of our final final location right in Golders Hill well I'm thrilled. What will greet us there? I don't know. Let's find out. Our golden hill. Or his or hers hill, if you will. Yeah. On reflection, not your best clue.

Adjoining the heath but not of it, the pagoda overlooks an outdoor room or interior space or is it art? Within this sculpture's eaves your treasure shall be received. Right, well, I know exactly what it is because I had,

in the back of my head I was trying to visualise what it is that I was thinking of. And what is it? It is, Mr Silverman, it is that space over there, that statue, that sculpture,

I don't know what it is but it's a massive... It's kind of four rings. Is it four rings joined together? If you imagine two tunnels crossing each other, it's just the joint section cut out, isn't it? Do you see what I mean? Is everyone getting that?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? As if you cut off everything except the bit where the four tunnels cross over. Yeah. You know what I'm getting at? Yeah. So we will now go...

There's a child playing in it. Well, we should tell them to flee. We should tell them to flee. They don't understand we've got our prize to find. So we will get there and we will tell them to flee. Look at this park.

It's nice, the layout. I love the lay of the land of this. The layout, the lay of the land. Don't you think? Down from the top up there. It's just a proper flowing hill all the way down. They play their flutes now. What's going on? way down. They're playing the flute now.

What's going on? Yeah, there's someone playing the flute over there. Everyone's gone fucking music mad in this park. There's a lovely little duck pond with a little gnome bridge over it that I think we should go to quickly, just before we get to our last... Fair enough. Since it's in sight and we know it's there, we can do that then. Squirrel.

Squirrel, squirrel, right to the nine o'clock. Mate, that's a good one. What are you picking up? He's a little blighter. He's a little, look at him. Oh, we might look at the zoo and there might be some lemurs at the zoo. We can look at, there's a zoo here. Yeah, I remember there's a zoo.

Is there a zoo after the final bit or before? Let's end the thing because, you know, obviously the prize there. Then can we look at the zoo just sort of off air, as it were? Well, yeah, we can do anything we want once we've pressed stop. Can we stop i don't know why you want to ruin the magic i usually just go into rest mode until the next time yeah i don't i sort of my consciousness winks out i only know the only consciousness i know is uh is doing this podcast with you paul it's weird so what you're like bagpuss the minute the episode ends you don't exist until next time yeah does that mean i'm one of the mice does that mean i don't work but i can tell it's not actually happening so what happens when you

go to sleep what happens to me you're still there as far as i know but now i'm beginning to think there's not much outside of let's go to the little way i'm getting to think what happens between podcasts exactly i can't think that's what I'm saying I know what I have memories but I don't remember them doing them it's like I've done stuff but I don't remember doing it

it's some kind of what's going on brass instrument the guy's playing over there do you know the dark current that's been flowing through this episode fighting against the sunny rays

permeating this beautiful day with is what existential dread the void is this real yeah it doesn't feel real does it are we in the black lodge sunny rays permeating this beautiful day with... Is what? Existential dread? The void? Is this real? Yeah. It doesn't feel real, does it? Are we in the Black Lodge?

Come on. We're in the Black Lodge. Cheap Show is the Black Lodge. No, that's really... Don't... You're messing with stuff now. Come on. Come on, Paul.

Don't mess with stuff. I'm beginning to feel this is getting dark. This light treasure hunt adventure. There's something lurking dark Eli dark come on there's nothing dark I'm frightened don't frighten yourself like that all I said is my consciousness turns off in between episodes

yeah but I think mine does too and if nothing exists between episodes Eli what's left of us what is this is this even real it's realer than anything else I can't what is real Is this even real? It's realer than anything else. I can't... What is real? Come on, Paul.

What is real? Look, those bushes look like a pair of lungs. Are you coming to the Nome Bridge or not? I'm coming to the Nome Bridge. Right. Let's go to the Nome Bridge. See you in a minute at the Nome Bridge. The Nome Bridge.

Come on, you... Nome Bridge. Cheer up, you... Gnome Bridge. Cheer up, man. Hey, stop it. I don't want people thinking I'm miserable. I'm having a great time. The way you said Gnome Bridge seemed very, very petulant. Gnome Bridge.

I'll see you in a bit. Update. News update. I was attacked by squirrels twice. Not not attacked but they were looking for it they were looking for trouble those girls and they came right up to you right up to me yeah they were like trying to sort of go you get out of the way you get me mate they were fucking coming out and you're going back in there now we're going to go past the known bridge by the way everybody yeah we're we just crossed it and it's a very small bridge what's down this way then the golders hill park stumpery it's a stumpery we have to go down the stump a stumpery is being created as a habitat for wildlife as an interesting aesthetic theater

to golders hill park i have never heard until today the phrase that stumpery those are really aggressive squirrels man i'm not even joking they They fucking own this park, mate. They're all over you. He just got attacked by a pigeon. Oh, I just found a squirrel and he was hiding his stash. You were saying this happened to you as a child, didn't it? I've been unnerved by aggressive squirrels.

Mate, I'm beginning to think this reality we're in, ever since the explosion in the Die Hard episode, beginning to think we're not in reality anymore, Eli. When Jimmy Biscuit shifted us to another universe... Who are you talking about? I don't know who that is. You remember Jimmy Biscuit? No, I don't know. It rings a bell, but I don't know who you're talking about. You don't remember the before four times? I don't.

In the before four times. Here we are. We've passed the troll bridge through the... We didn't go through the stumpery. I thought we were going to go through the stumpery. It's shit, isn't it? No, it was nice stumpery. Do you want to go down the stumpery? I want to go down the stumpery and then we get

to the... You have to go through squirrelirrel and Pigeon and Grosso. Yeah. I'm feeling like that's part of the ritual. We must pass through the Stumpery. We got to go through the Stumpery before we can get to the exterior interior design. We are going to march through the Stumpery before we reach our final destination and find out what is there waiting for us at the end Look at that pigeon!

It doesn't give a shit, none of them give a shit! We're in their land now. Enter the stumpery! Tom you're the stumpery! Oh shit, fucking hell! He just flew across and that little squirrel fell, he's following us! That little squirrel, I tell you what you don't want to be in the stumpery late at night.

You'd get done by pigeons. Do you over. Look at that stump. It looks like a triceratops. It does. It's all very stumpy, isn't it?

Funny what a stumpery is quite full of stumps. Is that what it's called? Because it's full of stumps, tree stumps for things to live in. Are you being, are you shitting me?

What did you think it was called that for? Well, I don't know. I didn't know until I came in and saw all the stumps and then put two and two together. If somebody just came up to you on the street and said, what's a stumpery? Do you think you'd know?

Yeah, I'd make a guess. It's easy to say now, isn't it? There's another fucking pigeon. What kind of stumpery is this when it's just pigeons and squirrels and they're all hard as nails? It's the wildlife that the stumps attract. Is this the east end of wildlife?

The third bridge of the day. And you know the Pointless Bridge? In stagnant water. They've sculpted these stumps. Surely. I don't know, but don't call me Shirley. There's another squirrel. I don't know if it's going to attack him.

It's going to attack him. They look like dinosaurs. What, they're squirrels? No, they're not that big. They look like dinosaurs. Oh, he's going to get you. Maybe he thinks the smuff on the microphone is like, a tail. I've never seen squirrels that tall. Well, I don't know if it's a tail, I just don't think they give a shit. Oh mate, look, there's a pigeon following us. Look! What's he up to?

I don't like all this. The stumpery is evil. The stumpery! We are free of the stumpery! Right we are free of the stumpery, we are free of the stumpery. Right, we are free of the stumpery. What's it called, the thing, the art piece? Do you remember? I don't know what it's called. Well, we're going to go there and look for our final gift. Join us, for the end is nigh.

It may be more ways than one. Shut up. Shut up. You shut up. You shut up. You fucking prick. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You shut up. You shut up. You fucking prick. Shut up. Fuck off. Fairly twat.

Squirrel. Warrior. That other way round, mate. Worry squirrel. Eli the worry squirrel. I know, I like that. I like that. Let's go for it. Right.

OK, we're done. OK. OK. This is... OK, we're here, we're here. This is where the dream scrolls pointed to. It's this strange sculpture here in Golders Hill Park with the four tubes.

I don't know how to describe it, Paul. It's like an intersection of two pipes, but without the pipes, just the intersection. Do you know anything about it? Nothing. Nothing? Was it just commissioned art? It was commissioned at some point. Probably, I think it goes back to the 60s or 70s, definitely.

So what, now we're here, what though? What does this mean? This looks like an intersection between two... All I was told was what I was told by the Skrulls, and the Skrulls have led me here, and I've accepted the Skrull dream. But don't you think this means something? The dream master of the Skrulls has led me here. Stop saying dream master of the Skrulls and trying to make it

big. It's just not working. We get it. Well, that's what happened. But here's the point. Don't you think it's weird that we go on this journey on a sunny day, tinged with darkness, light and dark, light and dark, right? You start having flashbacks to memories of the past, history repeating itself with your squibble attack by the

zoo, you know, all this. My confrontation with a weirdo. All these things. And then we get here, the finale, and it's an intersection between two realities, worlds. Almost, yeah. It's like we're in this... Each of these pipe holes are like a little vista onto a different...

It's an intersection of realities. But so what? Well, I'm going to sit down on my stool that I brought all the way for no fucking reason and... I'll get a shot of that, shall I? Hang on. Look. As I sit on this stool, it's like I've become an arrow.

What do you mean? Look, it's pointing. Look, my nubbage is pointing. You pointed your nubbage. What are you talking about? Look, I'm being guided. I feel like a dowsing rod, a human dowsing rod. I'm being pointed with this chair.

It's like a compass. You're rubbing yourself. No, it's a rod. I'm being pointed with this chair. It's like a compass. You're rubbing yourself. No, it's a compass. I'm not rubbing my nubbage. Mate, let me just use the compass. I'm being moved around. Let's shut up. You're getting moved. Okay, so instead of doing an arrow on the ground, you're- I'm a human compass and it's pointing us. But look, though doth what I see. Oh, by the magic tree, by the portal pipes. By the portal pipes.

It's your nubbage fucking compass. You see, it's just ridiculous. But no, it's nubbage compass. I mean, come on, man. Come on, it's more Cheap Show branded, isn't it? What's better for Cheap Show? What's better for Cheap Show? An hour on the floor or nubbage compass?

Let's get to the end of fucking... Say nubbage compass. Nubbage compass. Thank you. Let's get to the end An hour on the floor or nubbage compass? Let's get to the end of fucking... Say nubbage compass. Nubbage compass. Thank you. Let's get to the end of... Come on, I'm going to have a look in this. ...end of show McGuffin. Look, there's a hole under this big tree.

There's a little box. Ooh, let's have a look. Mate, it says it's a little metal box with Cheap Show written on the top. Why is there a little metal box, a black metal box? It's got something to do with the scrolls. This is weird. I know you were lying about your nubbage compass, but, I mean, this is actually weird.

You didn't put this here? You didn't come in advance and put this here? I honestly, I, no. I mean, where would I get that? It's weird. Yeah, why would you be that proactive? Good point. I'm going to open this box.

I'm going to open this box in the intersection in the portal pipes. Okay, let's just see. It's probably nothing. I'm putting it down. Are you opening it? I'm opening it now. Ready? Three, two, one.

Inch! Inch! Inch! I've got to find a way out. I've got to find a way out. I hate it. I! I gotta find the way out! I gotta find the way out! I need it! I got to find the way out! Inch! Inch! Inch! What does this mean, Paul, what does that mean?

Right, fuck this. Get the fuck out. What are you doing with that? I'm going. Fuck off. Get away. What have I done? This is fucking dark, dark shit and I'm not dealing with this. It's not my fault. I had a dream. It's not my fault. We're done here. We're done here. That's it. Forget about it. We're done here. Fucking forget my fault. I had a fucking dream. That's it.

Forget about it. We're done here. Fucking forget it. It led me to a sculpture down here. I don't know. It's a sick fucking joke. What are you doing with that thing? I've got a plan. Thank you.