CheapShow - Ep 235: Absolute Dog's Dinner

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

It’s official, the recent heatwave in the UK has finally gotten to Paul and Eli. This week, it's going to be tough for the Cheap Chaps to make it through with their sanity intact, especially when they have to wade through one of the most disgusting "Tales from the Shop Floor" in recent memory. In fact it could be the last! Eli is on the rampage in this episode’s Price of Shite. He’s hungry for p'twings and it opens the door for more than his fair share of idiotic rants. Keen listeners will also be able to hear the moment Paul's will to live evaporates. It's not obvious at all! It's not all doom and gloom though, as Paul gets excited about his new advertising campaign and Eli hopes to join the Mustard Club! All the fun of the fair! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-235-absolute-dog-s-dinner And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello everyone, I'm Eli Silverman... No, no, no! Right, start again. I was going to do that. Back with another one of those block rocking beats. Shut up, please. It's another cold open from Paul Gannon. Hooray.

No, I loved it, really. No, it was brilliant, really. I'm trying to bring some energy because Eli was all, How lucky to be here today. How so delicate. Listen, I deal with stuff in my life. I'm not just some vessel. Every once in a while you deal with stuff.

I'm not some vessel which you pour your your scorn into and then it and it now doesn't get drained. I have a drain. I have a tat. I have a faucet. I have a drainage faucet

for my despair and it and it will gloob you. It will gloob you up. It will gloob you. Eli Silverman's cold open everyone. Did you like it?

No, very good. I loved it. Yeah, no, it was very good. Should we Did you like it? No, very good. I loved it. Yeah, no, it was very good. Should we start this fucking episode? Let's start again. I think we should fucking start again. Honestly, I'm just going to say, unfortunately, this is where I say,

hello, everyone. Welcome to Cheap Show. So fuck off, Eli. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap

Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Yes, hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go through the bargains of charity shops and power lands of Great Britain

and sometimes further afield and bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash It's really that simple I mean, it would's really that simple. I mean, it would have been that simple. I was going to do such a wicked hype move. What was that? For your ears.

I was going to do like a stab like that. You know what epic hype move means. Because it's not just having a stutter. For your ears. That's pretty good. Anyway, it's another hot fucking day in the For your ears. House of Sausage and Mash. For your ears. For your ass. No, but ears. That's pretty good. Anyway, it's another hot fucking day in the For your ears! House of Sausage and Mash. For your ears! For your ass? No, but ears.

For your ass! Between ears and ass, there's another word. Yards! No, that's what we should do. You go to our new chat-up line, we go up to people and say, hello, yes, hello, I've just noticed you at the bar. Stick a feather up your ass. No, no, no. Terribly nice weather we're having. Let me see this through. Stick a feather up your assse. No, no, no. Terribly nice weather we're having. Let me see this through.

Stick a feather up your arse. You just got to someone you fancy, you know, social meeting, and you go, hello, my name is Paul Gannon. For your arse! And they go, pardon? And then you walk away.

No. Quickly. No, you go, pardon? I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Paul, you go, for your arse! And you go, what?

For your ears. And if they go, oh, yes, my arse, please fuck me in it, then, all right, then granddad, then you go, oh, yes, my arse. Please fuck me in it. Then, all right, then, granddad. Then you go, yes, I did say arse. It's like that joke. Have you heard that joke?

Tickle your arse with a feather? Right. Have you heard that one? It's now time for the comedy stylings of Eli J. Silverman. So here we go. Tickle your arse with a feather. Like there's this Lothario. Tell me the joke.

Tell me the joke. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a new act now coming up for you. We've got five minutes, top of the show. So please welcome the comedy signings of Eli Silverman. Hello, I'm Eli. My dad was Jewish. My mum, Christian. So in our home, it was sort of kind of normal because it was the GDI Christian sort of,

there wasn't a lot of talk about that kind of thing. Boo! Your body odour is noticeable from over here. No, hang on, hang on. Come on, hang on. You, I'm doing some crowd work now. What's your name? Hello, my name's Paul.

What do you do? No, no, this is good. What do you do, Paul? I work in radio. What's that like, listening to things and no one's there? Anyway... Oh, you got me. Oh.

I want my money back. Now. Oh. There's his bar fly. Cancel him. There's a bar fly. Right. He's propping up the bar

every night, drinking, you know, drinking his sorrows away. And he sees this young chap come in night after night. And this young chap just seems to be

unable to fail to pick up. He'll approach a young lady whisper something into her ear and then they more often than not they leave within five minutes oh what

he leaves with her yeah that's it off sorry I know it's a stand up skit I should just listen the deal is on right and the barfly's like

what's going on with this guy what does he have I mean what's his secret so he asks him one night yeah what's his secret and the L? What does he have? I mean, what's his secret? So you ask him one night, what's his secret? And then Lothario says, well, it's very simple.

Oh dear, it's not going to be funny when I know he's giggling. I simply go up to them and say, tickle your arse with a feather? And if they say, what? If they look shocked and upset, I go, oh, terribly nice weather we're having. Or they might think yes tickle my ass with a feather in which case i score yeah right so that's the joke no that's not

the joke is there a punchline yes all right sorry go on shut up i just thought it was a trailed off kind of shaggy shaggy dogs don't you then tickle your ass with a feather yeah so and if they react badly oh very nice weather we're having terrible weather we're having could be that as well but i don't need notes whilst i'm doing my stand-up set thank you paul go back to your radio call back right i don't go to where you work and put a cock in or out of your mouth yeah or something so the barfly thinks oh i can do this that's very simple tickle your ass with a feather very nice weather having. Yeah. Yeah. So he needs a few for Dutch courage. So he slams a few more, even more back.

And he goes up to a woman and then he goes, shove a feather up your arse. And she goes, what? He goes, it's fucking raining like fuck. Thank you very much, Eli Silverman. He'll be on tour. Paul, by the way, last week. Yes.

So what did you do with the box? What did you do with it? Do with what box? Don't know what you mean. No, the box with the... I don't know what you mean. I don't know. That thing.

The thing with the voices in. What did you do with it? You don't need to worry about what I've done with it. Why? I don't know. That thing. The thing with the voices in. What did you do with it? You don't need to worry about what I've done with it. Why? I think I should. It didn't seem like a normal thing. I need to run some tests on it. Sinister.

It seemed otherworldly, Paul. I need to run some tests on it. What do you mean tests? What, with your EV meter? I've got to do a load of... What do you do? Use your Marvin's magic fucking lab on it? Will you put like an indoor firework in it? Is that what you're going to you do? Use your Marvin's magic fucking lab on it? Will you put an indoor firework in it?

Is that what you're going to fucking do? Are you going to put it in your Pac-Man, your Tomy Pac-Man wibble wobble labyrinth and then... So it goes on. The fucking onslaught of verbal word slurry that pours out of your mouth. What it comes down to is you don't want to... Aiming desperately week after week that if you keep talking long enough,

you'll find something funny to say. That's what you're doing now. And when you fail, you just go... What's your doing now? Bing dong bopple dopple bop. I don't ever say bing bong or dopple dopple. Thank you. By the way, so you're not...

Look, the box... You're not going to tell me about the fucking... No, I'm not going to tell you. The fewer people who know its location, the better. I think it's a dark harbinger of things to come. That was one of those words you've never said out loud until just now. One of those ones you've read. Harbinger.

You realised it was wrong. Harbinger. You probably won't keep that in. Anyway. I've got to keep it in now. Paul, and just one other thing. The rash. Gone now?

Or did you have some kind of medication for that? We covered this in the fucking episode last week, and it wasn't funny then. It was makeup. It was special effects. Oh, okay. Good, that's all I've got. I'd rather just stop doing the podcast now.

Bye, everyone. It's really fucking hot. It's very hot in here. What else have we got today? Oh, I might as well mention the Faygo. Go and mention the Faygo. There's this drinks brand around called Faygo and this is a red pop can. It's called Red Pop and it's

called Faygo and it's very much like Vimto but without, if it's possible, without even the bite of Vimto. Red Pop. It's a sort of flatter flavour, but still that kind of fruit. You know what Vimto is? It sounds like a genre of Russian music. Fruit meets vanilla. Red pop.

Don't you think that's what Vimto is? I'm not listening to you. I'm not listening to this. Why? I don't want to listen to you talk about Faygo red pop. Everyone needs some action of the sort where people talk about drinks in their life. That was a good sentence, and I'm proud of it.

Now, what have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Today we have a price of shite. Oh, pricey to shicey. Is it nicey? Pricey to shicey? Is it a great big grousey? Pricey to shicey? It's easier if I just let you talk, because then it's easier for me to just cut this shit out of the podcast.

Oh, you wouldn't cut me out. I'm the announcer. You're not the announcer. You're a co-host. No, I'm an announcer for this bit, though. We're not doing anything. Pricey, Deshacy. It's not an announcement

when we're not doing it yet. All right. Coming up. Pricey, Deshacy. What else coming up? I don't know. What do you want to do? Should we do a Tales from the Shop for? We've not done one of those in a while. Coming up. Oh, Shassy What else coming up? I don't know What do you want to do? Should we do a Tales from the Shop for?

We've not done one of those in a while Coming up Tales of the Shop is Flows Tales of the Shop is Flows My sweat is sweating I know And we've got all the windows open I'm pure liquid forehead

And the breeze does nothing I am pure liquid forehead Liquid forehead Don't know you can't stop what was the thing i did last week that i was very proud of oh yeah taking the david bowie song and making it advertised dog food let's buy absolute dog's dinner yeah dog's dinner absolute dog's dinner that's yes with david bow out the dog it's an absolute dog's dinner. When you want to give your dog a complete meal,

try absolute dog's dinner. No, but the point is, the problem with that on a marketing level, although it makes me smile as well, inward. It's my secret smile. It's my secret. You gotta know it.

Oh, God, I hate that song so much. We haven't covered that before. Who's it by? Do you know? Is it Blossom? No. I want to say. No. No. It's the band that did Closing Time. What's the name? Oh, is, I hate that song so much. Have we ever covered that before? Who's it by? Do you know? Is it Blossom? No. I'm going to say. No.

No. It's the band that did Closing Time. What's the name? Oh, is it them? Oh, yes, it is. Oh, what are they called? You've got to notice. They're called the Untouchables.

Are they called the Untouchables? Semi-sonic. Oh, of course. What do you hear them? Closing Time. No, but she's got a secret smile. It always makes me think of some kind of VD. We find. You know what? You go on about my allergic reaction to fish, No, but she's got a secret smile. It always makes me think of some kind of VD.

You know what? You go on about my allergic reaction to fish, but you've just admitted that a song makes you think of fannies because of the phrase secret smile. You think you connect to a fanny. I still do. It's so vagina redolent. It's not. It is.

There's something about that lyric. She's got a secret smile It's something about you Connecting mouths and fannies You know what it also reminds me of? What? That Caniston ad When it's the vicar

Who has the thrush What are you talking about now? She's got a secret smile Would it work if it was like You gotta notice She had a grizzly frown A grizzly frown Can we just get on with it? Liquid forehead It's all coming together She had a grizzly frown. A grizzly frown.

Can we just get on with it? Liquid forehead. It's all coming together. I'm going to fucking have a meltdown here. Let's just crack on. Honestly, if I keep thinking about the canister and vicar. You've got to know this. You've got absolute dog's dinner.

No, actually, thank you for bringing it back to that. Because that's what I was going to say. As what? What did you say? No's looking to my big brand you gotta give a little love have a little hole let's do what we could do together oh nice he's as well listen mate the problem is the problem with your dog food bow bowie bow wow david bow wowie is that dog's dinner has a negative connotation, doesn't it? Does it? Yeah, it looks like a dog's dinner.

You describe something ugly or inedible. So you wouldn't want to market that because people want to treat their dogs. Yeah, but you can reclaim the term. So what about we just forget the whole dog food tie-in and we do it as a novelty single from like the mid-80s. Like what? With a rap. With David Bowie does rap on the other side or something. No, we've got to take a song that everyone recognises,

that can be attached to dog food. Obviously, that's how it works. Oh, on the B-side, is this? No, this is the A-side. Can we just do an improv for the B-side? No, the A-side is... It's an absolute dog's dinner. Yeah, but we should need to keep the brand, though.

Otherwise, what else have you got? I'm an absolute dog's dinner. Sausages to sausages. Give me... Like from Barts. Barts? sausages to sausages like from box a space rof rof rof I've got nothing I've got a roll as well

you're trying at least you're trying I'm very trying should we crack on then yeah let's do it no you know what here we go

fucking recording eat right so we're having a bit of a crisis with our tails on the shop floor section right some of us because some of them start off well and then end up really depressing or sad and we can't really make fun out of it cut to dead man in toilet you think oh let's have a laugh at that so do you know what one of the best one was his dead was it yeah a dead

man in a changing room remember and the woman ran out ran out. Yeah, yeah. In her bra and knickers. But that's just innocent fun, isn't it? So do you want a mucky one? Do you want a dirty one? I don't know if I do, Paul. I feel spent. I feel flat and spent. Do you want a story that could turn the stomachs of you and our listeners?

Because if you do, I'm going to put a warning right now. I heard that this is going to be quite the gross adventure. Really? Yes. Is it like... I've been... Phlegm. Phlegm is my one.

Phlegm is my trigger. This has been in the back pocket. Other people's phlegm is my trigger. This has been in the back pocket of the podcast. Can you respond to my phlegm announcement? No phlegm. There's no phlegm. This has been in the inbox since 2018.

Oh, deary me. I like it. Archival tale. And it's from a guy called simon who is now in prison well no he's not he's not i'm just saying he worked you remember he worked in a sex shop he told us a story once about the one with the used egg balls yeah i love eggs yeah i think it was that one um he sends a few more in is this more more discharge tool this is uh let me just say spoff let me just say it's got spoff in it, Paul.

Shall I tell you the title and you can make your own decision? The title is called The Final Comptier. So what do you think it might be about? Someone spanking someone's eyes. Well, let's find out as I read you a story. Comptier. Is it tier as in a tier level? No, it's like frontier, but with the word com, comtier, the final comtier.

Well, that would be like, suggest a tiered system. So perhaps it's like... No, it might suggest a milky tier. Like a penis. Oh, it's spelled like that? How is it spelled? T-I-E-R. That's not. That's a tier.

The word frontier is spelled like that. It's a play on the word frontier. It could be. It's like a computer game. And the final tier. I'm going to stop this recording as well in a minute. Can I read the fucking story? Ooh. Because it's a

hot day and you're going about fucking... Well, you're the one who stopped the last story. That was poo-pooing sweeties. Yeah, you were giving me nothing. I was not giving you nothing. You were giving me nothing. I'm doing fine today. Cough pockets of fucking vacuous nonsense. Cough pockets. Cough pockets. I can't let that go. You just said cough. What the fuck is a cough pocket fucking vacuous nonsense. Cough pockets. Cough pockets. I can't let that go.

You just said cough. What the fuck is a cough pocket of vacuous nonsense? That's a cough pocket. Okay, good. I'm glad it has its own noise. This story's called The Final Comptier. Here we go. Remember, he works in a family-owned sex shop or something, which in itself is a strange concept.

I think they're often owned in families like other shops. In his shop, he says, they started stocking pocket pussies in 2014. Stocking pocket pussies, you say? Stocking pocket pussies. Is it a stocking filler? I'm looking for a stocking filler. Well, we're good.

We got pocket pussies in stock for your stocking filler. Pocket pussy stocking filler. This is much better already. Here we go. Yeah. Caniston Vicar. By which time,

I was already well-versed in the nastiness of people who use physical sex shops rather than Love Honey. I was, however, not... It's a website where you can buy sex toys from, I believe. Right.

I was not, however, prepared. It's the eBay for dildos. Oh, it's more for vagis. No, it's just sex shop for lingerie, sex aids. Well, dildos are included in that. Videos, maybe. I would include dildos. But it's not exclusively dildos, is it?

Insert dildos into yours. No! No! Please continue. Oh, can I? Yes. I'm enjoying this one already. Fuck me. Pocket pussy stocking fillers. Oh, can I? Yes. I'm enjoying this one already. Fuck me.

Pocket pussy stocking fillers. Oh, that's what you're saying. That's what a pocket pussy is. Mate, you know what I was saying? If you listened and stopped interrupting with your pocket coughs of nothingness. Pocket pussy cough of nothingness. Pocket pussy coughiness. It's a cacophonous with a cocky pussy pussy fucking us.

I'm the very model of a pocket pussy stocking filler. Come on. Come on. Come on. Hot in here, innit? Yeah. One day we had a parcel arrived. It was beautifully wrapped in brown paper and silver tape. The address written with a silver sharpie

in gorgeous cursive writing. Okay. It was mailed to the shop? Yes. Oh. I opened it and saw a nicely wrapped Christmas gift. I tore off the wrapping and found underneath just a blank box. It felt quite heavy, but I didn't question it.

Some regular customers give us Christmas cards or presents, so I was expecting it to be a box of chocolate or a bottle of wine. It was not. What do you think was in it? Discharge balloons. Right, well, I'll tell you. Instead, I saw mountains of cum. Mountains, he says

in Kaploks. Mountains of cum. Let me phrase that for you. Mountains of cum. Right. The box was probably half full of cum. The colour, iridescent. And from some angles, it looked more yellow.

And from others, a pearly white. In the centre, half covered in the mostly dried cum, was the top of a pocket pussy. Jelly, jelly. Submerged in it. You asked for this. I'm not going to fold it. It's already.

It's much better. Pocket pussy submerged in dried cum. God, this podcast gets worse. In the centre was a half

covered in mostly dry cum was the top of a pocket pussy. Yes.

They have quite rubbery tops shaped to look like a pussy but with a very flexible opening to

allow for penetration into the actual depth of the product. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is really wrong and disturbing. Yeah? This is the one you wanted by eli silverman he didn't say nasty psychotic artwork made by a serial wank man but mate can i just say the story's not over yet being a young man with quite a lot of experience with cum

i mean what kind of sentence is that well you do don't you i guess i wasn't that put off i've got quite an experience a lot of experience with shit. Just because I'm a human, you know, you've got to deal with it. I guess. Unless you drink blood all day, apparently. No one would say... No one says Eli Silverman, master of shit, though, do they? Well, some people do.

Some people do. So I wasn't put off. I thought it was actually quite funny. That was until my older brother came in from the shop floor because it was my turn to go on shift. He saw the box and asked me what was inside. Cheekily, I replied, a Christmas present from a customer. He grinned, used to the typical box of chocolates and wine that we get,

and walked towards me and shoved his hand into the box without really stopping to look or examine it. His fingers sank into the crusted cum, revealing the the softer gooier layer underneath the crust on top his thumb glazed the rubbery mound and for a moment it was like the world was in slow motion his eyes moving downwards to examine the unexpected texture the shock overtaking his face as he realized he just plundered hand into what looked like several' worth of cum and the fear as his thumb explored the pocket pussy. He yanked his hand out and began shaking it violently to try and get most of what was dried off his hand,

sending flakes and chunks all over the staff room. Flakes and chunks? Because it's hard to crust it up. No, I don't. Oh, dear. He also began to scream at me, and after a few moments of shaking his hand, he lunged at me

I can't say I don't deserve What happened next But I can say that Both of us were far too old To have let it happen I was in my twenties And he was thirty

And married with a kid He grabbed my collar With a clean hand And smeared his Cummy handle Over my face Thrusting it into My fingers and my mouth

And up my nose Blah blah blah blah blah There's Eli's favourite story That he wanted me specifically to read out. That's not my favourite story! If you like to read that one out. Read the one with his pocket in it. Okay, so I've got something to say about that story.

Yeah. I don't think it's true. What? I don't think it's true because... Have you ever seen a load of cum? Do you know what? Like, a lot. Like, to fill a box worth.

I can safely say this might be the last tells from the shop floor we do. But I don't think I think that much cum would go like rubbery. What it dries out he wasn't very and I wanted to see some if to make that sound real

I needed to see some pubes that had been shed into the box as well. Because it's an action. You have to produce the cum. What's he transporting the cum into

you know what I mean? What are the physics? The cum physics is what i i question and that's one of the areas i question the reality and also this whole putting your hand into a box without really seeing what it is Hello, my name is Paul Gannon. Six years ago, I started a podcast with my good friend Eli Silverman to enjoy and investigate charity shops and see what you can find. I thought it'd be a reasonably educational, interesting, factual,

slightly wry comedy podcast about living on a budget and dealing with austerity. Instead, six years later, I'm reading out a story about cum. Shut up! Don't put this on me, you cunt! That I don't know anymore. No, fuck off! No, I think I agree.

Are we dropping a segment? Is this the end of the segment? No, it's only 11 minutes this bit so far we dropped this I've got nothing no I don't mean this particular

I just mean the long term future of Tales from the Shop Floor it just is unrelenting effluvia if that's a word

I knew we'd cross the line when we brought up necrotic leg holes yeah and the bar was unfortunately raised I just don't what do you think about my

claims about the um veracity of that story was with it up until the my brother came in stuck his hand in and smeared it all over my face when i'm thinking uh i mean oh god just the idea of the carbon that really got you because it's someone else's mucky dripping i don't want it no you don't want it no one sent it to you want it. No one sent it to you, Paul. And it's mounded up. But it's, yeah, that's what also, is it like at level? Like liquids find their level, don't they? Yeah.

They find their level and they'll flatten out. But he's saying mounds and mounds. It's like he was very unclear pictorially about what it actually looked like. To me. And I want, like I said, Paul, want to see some pubes in there. I want to see some pubes for there. I want to see some pubes for the realism of the spanky chuffneys.

Chuffney pubes, coily, coily, chuffney splatter. All I can imagine is that the sight they saw must have been like looking inside a box

with a goblin covered in applesauce. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, I quite like this. You know, there's some good detail in the beginning of the story. You know, like mean? No, I quite like this. You know, there's some good detail in the beginning of the story.

You know, like, I buy it. But something about that story, it's the physics of the spunk. I'm not buying it. I think this section... The physics engine on it. Chop the shark. Yeah.

I could do a little improvised song. Yeah, how about you do an improv, an improvised song? Source report. I don't have any sauce in here what the fuck's going on with this show i was gonna do the chuffney sparrow song no you know what we can all do without you singing and improvising a song that will mostly be disconnected vowels and consonants i would like to do the chuffney sparrow song you've got ten seconds. I'm Chuffney Sparrow and I go up the road. Oh, Chuffney.

Oh, Chuffney Sparrow. Chuffney, Chuffney round. Chuffney, Chuffney. Chuffney leaping from brick to brick. Chuffney Sparrow's here. Leaping around the world. Chuffney Sparrow's here. He sees Paul.

He pulled us aside. Chuffney Sparrow's here. Chuffney Sparrows. Hello, Paul again. Sometimes when you put a podcast together, you'd like some recognition from your peers or awards or mainstream media to sell your show to the masses. It's at moments like this

and I realise the show is long since passed that opportunity. And now all I have is a co-host shouting in a high-pitched voice, Choffney Sporridge. Oh, that's good, Sporridge. Yeah, good variant. Well, that's that segment open, don't we? No.

I'm sweating, sweating, sweating. But seriously, Paul. It's so hot. Tales from the shop floor going forward? We haven't done it in a while and you couldn't I'm seeing his thumbs pointing down thumbs down

anyway that's Cheap Show over with this week bye everyone wait no it's not we've got to have a whole segment

let's go to the sound effect and have a well deserved breaky woo woo mid recording reassessment of our lives and work. Thank you. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite.

Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. No, that's wrong. Wait, if you're not going to roll with it, what's the point of you? Get out. Can't you just do it with some swing? Get out. Oh, it's the fucking price of sh Can't you just do it with some swing? Get out. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite.

I'll do it with some swing. Here we go. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Is that better? Yes. Yeah, is it? Do it the whole thing, then. And I'll go, who's this man?

No, you know what? This is pathetic. I'll go, who's this? And it's no time. It's Price of the Shite, citizen. It's the Price of Shite. I'm Price of the Shite, citizenerson and I sail the seas of betwings and I come into the port.

Pryso de Scheisserson. Hello, Pryso. Hello, Eli. In future episodes of Cheap Show, the role of Eli Silverman will be played by a box full of gum. Do I get a love egg in there? No.

A love, a Tengir egg. We have a box, a bag sent to us in the post of Cheap Eats price of shite from a chap called... Pricer Deschisison. Peter. Thank you, Peter. Peter Deschisison. Now, Peter sent a lovely selection of biscuits.

They were Jammy Dodgers, but basically they were a Scottish brand that did the centre as an Iron Brew flavour. So it was like an iron brew scented Jammie Dodger. However, you ate them. No, my girlfriend ate them. Oh,

this is great. How are we meant to review them then? I know, I said this to her. And then she went, I didn't know you'd be using them.

Of course we'd be using them. I'm not like, this is what I said to her. What did, did she give you any indication of what they tasted like? She said they were alright.

She ate them all? Yeah, all of them. They were alright, nothing special. he said they were all right yeah all of them they were all right nothing special she said they were all right well how i want to know how tangy the fucking i couldn't tell you i mean how much the iron brew flavor comes through didn't get anything nothing from her unbelievable disappointed i'm disappointed and i'm going to have to seriously consider what's this guy's name again peter deshaissison? No, just Peter. Stop saying Deshaissison as if that's funny when it's patently not. Anyway, he sent a load

of stuff. Deshaissison. He sent a load of stuff. But today we're going to be concentrating just on the Price of Shite packaging. Price-o, Deshaiss-o! He says, I'll start by saying I can't believe how expensive charity shops are down south. And it's true, isn't it do you remember

even the bargains i got in cambridge and that's not that far north of here when in in the big scheme of things it's pretty expensive in cambridge as well is what you're saying no i'm saying it wasn't as expensive but you come to a little just outside the m25 i think it goes and it just goes to four potty bonkers with the prices yeah it's they're it's pretty expensive i suppose in the london area yeah sometimes you can still get a bargain for things though no you definitely can bonkers with the prices. Yeah, it's pretty expensive, I suppose, in the London area. Yeah. Sometimes you can still get a bargain for things,

though, can't you? No, you definitely can. Especially around here, you can. Especially around the corner, yeah. Because they give you the price verbally,

do you know what I mean? Yeah, they look at it. It's ad hoc with them. They look at it, yeah. They love it. It's why I'm always suspicious of buying something from that

particular charity shop that hasn't got a price sticker on, because it'd be like, here's a pack of cards, and they go, ooh, two quid? it's not it's just but i love it yeah no we've got some good stuff in there we've got good stuff in there over the years uh my guess is for price of the shites uh frequently fell

short of the mark but maybe i've been spoiled by the north charity shops around me you have mr and i think that's fair. I think that's fair. It must be very hard for people outside of London to

correctly guess the prices. The price of Deshires. Because of the discrepancy in value. Well, no,

the value is the same. It's the price that changes. Come on, mate. That's true. And then he

says in big cap locks, he goes, be aware. I like to be. The prices on some of the items are not accurate. They are sticketed over. Sticketed?

They're sticketed over. Yeah. They're sticketed over. And he's over the prices. He's sticketed over the prices. He's a shises. So anyway, he's enclosed four items. All were bought from the same charity shop,

St. Mary's Hidden Treasures in Tadcaster. And each item was no more than a pound each so he says between should be a plenty oh hopefully well we'll see peter hopefully they will be now between we should just explain please do uh the point system we use to award points when we play we don't play the price of shite's game now don't play for points do we play for between of Shite game. We don't play for points, do we? We play for petwings. What we play for? Petwings. That's what we play for. What's the thing? The things petwing. At least that fucking rhymes. Right.

Petwingeth cometh to thoseeth that scoreth the pointeth. Can you please concentrate on normal syntax? And I would like to enfoldeth the golden betweeneth in my golden I can safely say

I'm tired of his shit on a weather day like today. So, but there are rules and we're going to play this. Explain the setup for me. Well, you have in your hand a little tiny folded piece of paper with the prices taped up.

Nicely taped up. So, and he's done that well actually because it's got little tabs on. Yeah. Highlight tabs. And as God is my witness I've not looked at the prices. So he's done that well, actually, because it's got little tabs on. Yeah. Highlight tabs. And as God is my witness, I've not looked at the prices. Really? But those have come undone, Paul. Have they?

I don't know. I mean, I don't know how it unfolds. They were meant to hold it down like that, I guess. I don't know. Anyway, that's there. And he didn't say anything about it. Wait, we need a guardian. Ah!

Finally, in his debut, the keeper of betwings. Yes, I have Poindexter here. He's looking magnificent. Don't do that. Don't press it against your tit. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, just for a visual aid, Eli, shaven, by the way, his beard's all gone, is wearing a black short-sleeved shirt and some shorts,

but the shirt's agape, and his body is tumbling out of it like a spilt bag of spuds and now he's at least it doesn't look like mashed potato and now he's put point spuds have got structure to them upon his tit that's where point dexter will no he needs to sit on he needs to sit on the points he's saying something to me and what's he saying saying stuff about you is it please release me let me go? No, no, he loves it. He loves it. Absolutely loves everything. Right, he's sitting there for now on the points.

We can't get to them. They are secure. Point Dexter is doing his thing. But Paul, how are the betwings going to be awarded? It's very simple. We take a guess, and if that guess is correct spot on, then we are awarded two betwings. Betwing, betwing.

Betwing, betwing. And if we are close but no cigar, either way of the correct price, north or south by 25p, we just get the one per twing. Per twing. Let me just put that into context. Let's just say we say a pound,

but it's either 115 or 75p. I've fucked it. I've fucked it. I've fucked that explanation. Oh God, you tried mass. I did not bother. If you get it on the nose, you get two, 25p, either side of the nose, the, God, you tried maths. You should just not bother. If you get it on the nose, you get two.

25p either side of the nose. The nostrils. The nostril between. You're not making it any better. I know. Shall we crack on? Yeah, let's see the first item. Please, Paul. He's produced it.

He's handed it to me. I've handed it to you. Micro-onders. Micro-wise. Micro-onders. What does that mean? Les. Oh, it's French.atiers there's there's

cockatiers cockatiers it's some kind of lights or something i'm gonna look in no it's not it's obviously it's an egg shaped object it's it's a microwave it's for microwaving eggs oh it's a microwave egg thing you break an egg into it and then you put it in the microwave and then it makes like the boiled eggs two of them yeah so you can have two eggs poach it poaches an egg into it and then you put it in the microwave and then it makes like the boiled egg. Oh, there's two of them? Yeah. So you can have two eggs. It poaches an egg, essentially, doesn't it? No, I guess it's poaching or it's kind of like making it all rubbery.

Put some water in there with it or what do you do? On le toujours le temps de manger ouf à la coque. I fancy an egg. It's all in French. What does that... Get the huff off the box. There's a slight garlicky. Is it garlicky?

I have to bring this analogy up again. Soup? It smells like soup. No, it smells like your nan's top drawer. Oh, there is a sort of, yeah, powdery. Powdery, flowery. Yeah, sort of. Do you know what I mean?

It's unsettling, that smell. It smells like mango. These look like... These could be used in a little model in a sci-fi film for like an alien to live in or something, couldn't they, Paul? It just says here, Microwise microwave two egg cookers. The quickest way to

enjoy your favourite breakfast. 12 month guarantee. Cooks perfect eggs in 25 to 40 seconds. Do you know it's funny because it says made in the UK on it. But it's a French box, isn't it? Well, it's a bunch of languages, I think. Those are quite good quality items, those. It's alright, but what is the price? We know it's going to be under, I think. Those are quite good quality items, those. It's all right.

But what is the price? We know it's going to be under a quid. First item, which is eggs. Eggs cooker. Eggs cooker. Two. Times two. Eggs cooker two.

Eggs cooker. Anything you want to add to the title of it? The? The eggs cookers. That would be cookers. The eggs cookers. Right. Right.

Good. Times two. Now, here's your column, Paul cookers. Right. Right, good. Times two. Now, here's your column, Paul. Yes. This is where your guests will be. And then Eli's will be under the E column. We need to alternate who goes first. Do you want to go first for the first item?

There are four items. All under a quid? Yeah. I don't know. Will that mean the betwings come? Well, yes, because the 25p betwings. I'm going to say... The nostril betwings will be abundant.

Now, just describing the item, too, because we've not done that yet. They're a plastic, almost like a Tupperware-y in quality plastic. It's a nice high-quality ceramic imitation plastic, isn't it? Yes, this is definitely an 80s box, this. It looks like an 80s item. Oh, it does say it was the company is in Bicester, England. Right, yeah. Unit 9.

It's quite a niche thing. I think people just think eggs don't take that long anyway. Do you know what I mean? This guarantee covers faulty material, not misuse. How would you fucking misuse it? Oh, I can think of some ways. Knob it. You could knob it.

You could try and shove it up your ass. You could tape it to your head. That's too big for your arsehole. You could tape it to your head. Especially an untrained one. You could tape this to your head and put an untrained one. You could tape this to your head and put an egg in it and try and cook it in the sun

and then go, it didn't fucking work. And they go, listen, mate, that's not how it works. Misuse. Or you could... Just say cum in it

and we can move on again. I have said cum in it already, didn't I? I know, but we're going to get back to it eventually, so let's just move on. You could fill it with cum, Paul. Oh, it says,

care and use. Wash thoroughly with hot, soapy water. Oh, yeah. Give it a good bar water. Give it a good barfing. Give it a good soapy rub down. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Clean

it. Clean the hole that cooks my eggs. Clean the egg hole that cooks my eggs. Mate, it says here, it is wise precaution to pierce both the yolk and the white of the egg several times before microwaving with a toothpick. You can't microwave with a toothpick, Paul.

You have to use a microwave for that. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Clean the egg hole, prick it with the sticky stick. This prevents a seal forming during the cooking process. Oh, I love it when the seal forms. And reducing the risk of egg burst. I'm going to burst! Egg burst me seal on this egg. I'm just going to say the price. I'm going to burst! Egg burst me seal on this egg.

I'm just going to say the price. I'm going to say 90p. Don't put it on the table. Put it on the floor. I'm already not happy with you writing on the table. I've suffered egg burst because I didn't use the toothpick. Hello, Mr. Silverman. What are you coming to see Mr. Me Doctor for?

I've got terrible egg burst. The only way I can fix that is with a toothpick or similar. Oh, don't start, Doc. Her indoors has already been at me all night. And there's the pitch. Right, 90p. He said 90. I said 90p.

He said 90. Yeah. 0.90, if you will. What are you going to do? It's time for me to pick up the twings. Paul has made an error. I have position on him. He said it's too much.

No one wants those. Hurry up! Fucking hell, I'm bored. I'm going to say 65. 65p, he's saying, for the two egg cup cooker eggs. We don't have an overall price ceiling, do we? No.

Right, next item. Say what you see, Mr Silverman. This is a little trinket or ring holder. Now, Peter has called it a lovely little hideaway. It's not a hideaway. Is that what it's called, maybe, on the sticker? They called it a hideaway. It's like where you put rings and stuff.

There is a sticker on it. It says, Shudhill. Shudhill. Not interested. Not interesting. Shudhill. Let's move it on. It's a little cumming in, isn't it? It could probably

hold a bit less cum than one of these eggs. Shall we find out now? Shall we give them all how much cum you can get in rating? Well, these egg cups are strong. They get a good 7 out of 10 spots. Talk about Granny's deserted dresser. Smell that. I'm sniffing. Is it a porcelain thing? Yes. No, it's deserted dresser. Smell that.

I'm sniffing. Get the half of this. Is it a porcelain thing? Yes. No, it's like fake porcelain. No, it's like plastic. It smells the same. We can tell they came from the same shop.

What did Granny hide away in that? It's a terrible, terrible thing. I hate the design. I hate it too. It's like... Perfect. Got flowers. It's all moulded in that.

You can see it, can't you? On a kind of 1970s dresser. With one of those mirrors and one of those big perfume bottles depressingly kitsch and there's a few of those depressingly kitsch isn't it but not even in a sort of flamboyant way just in a sort of no it's it's granny's dresser and it's just so nasty oh god how much though that's classic classic price to show item it is it's textbook he knows what to get I have to go first on this one don't I

so these are all quite common charity shop type things you always see these microwavable egg cups

microwavable gimmicks I'm going to go up to ATP he's going to go ATP with this one

so he's going to write down what should I call it granny's keepsie granny's hideaway

granny's hideabox you don't hide anything in that if someone's looking for something they'd go well

it might be in there granny's tiny ring box write granny's tiny ring box. Write granny's tiny ring box. All right, I'll write it down. Granny's tighty, tighty-whitey ring box.

Granny's tight ring. Just write that. Granny's tight box. Tight box. What are you saying for 85p, did you say? I said 80. I don't know. I'm saying, what did you say? I think I said 80. Okay. I'm going to go for 85p, did you say? I said 80. I don't know. I'm saying what did you say?

I think I said 80. Okay. I'm going to go for 60p. And you are going for 60 on that poll. I am indeed. How many more items have we got? Two more. Halfway through the price of the shite.

All right. Here we go. And item number three. Say what thou art sees. Oh, this is a... Looks like a retro item. He says this is called a Solidex Milk Saver. This is nice.

I don't know what that is. Nicely preserved old packaging on this. Yeah, it looks like... And an old price tag. 60s, 70s? John Watson, Tadcaster. He said he's up in Tadcaster. Wow, that's a lovely old...

From those guns, pricing guns. The old sticker guns, yeah. A yellow price sticker. So what is it, though? That's a lovely piece. I really like it. You get it out while I read the back of the box. It's got lovely colouring.

I'll get it out. Hang on. It does look mint. It's almost mint in the box. Yeah, it's really well preserved. It looks like the box is from the 50s or something, though, doesn't it? I'll have a look. You pull it out.

It's probably from the 70s. And I'll read the box. It's probably the 70s. Well, I would say maybe 60s, late 60s. It's got that basic, what is it, glass? It's a little piece of glass, mate. It looks like an ashtray, but the indentations for the fags are on opposite sides.

Yeah. It's hygienic, easy to clean, may be used in any position. Solidex Milk Saver, made in heatproof glass. Place Solidex at the bottom of a saucepan and it prevents milk boiling over. As boiling commences, the disc will give a vibrating sound. For continuous boiling, use low heat.

Always apply heat to base only. May be used for milk, cocoa, any vegetables, macaroni and other pastas or liquids. Transparent, hygienic and easy to clean. It is a boon to the busy housewife and is indispensable in the kitchen. For best results, fill saucepan to reasonable level only it's only about three inches across though so what kind of pan are you using do you see what i mean like a milk pan i guess but a really narrow one no maybe it doesn't need to be that uh what's it gonna rattle against if it's i guess it kind of sits on the table oh it sits on the

bottom of the pan yeah yeah yeah that must be it yeah i've never seen from the illustration look it does it doesn't have to touch the sides. It sits in the middle. I've never seen this before. I have never seen one of those. It can't be that indispensable, can it? Do you think it works? Yes.

We'll try it next time we do Country Urban Noodle Test. Made in France. What does it say on it? France. Yeah. So what? So it says sole distributor on this box by a company called Moral Limited in London. So they must have just bought a shitload of them. Yeah. Okay. So it says made in France on this box by a company called Moral Limited in London. So they must have just bought a shitload

of them. Yeah, okay, so it says made in France on this. Prevent this using this. Well, they love boiling milk in France, don't they? I guess. I don't know. Or maybe they just got... Oh, they don't boil it. They're ahead on milk boiling technology. If you make coffee or hot chocolate, you need to

heat milk, don't you? Yeah, but you don't want it to boil. You never want milk to boil. So they like hot chocolate for breakfast don't they oh yeah i remember going on a school trip to some place in france in the morning we all got like cocoa and a and i love a beautiful and stuff i love that it's kind of exotic but sort of like what an interesting item it is an interesting item. I love the design on the box as well. Yeah, I like it. The colour in this purple and blue. Well, blue and orange, rather.

Sorry. There's pictures on the website of all the items. There will be. It says this is from the 60s. Okay. Makes sense. Yeah, and some of the prices on eBay for this are like $20 to $30. Are you joking?

No. This is mint on card, mate. Yeah, and some of them are just as good in condition and they're the ones that are going for like 20 odd quid like i'm just looking randomly let me just look randomly on okay this one's going for 10 pounds but still yeah so weird item quid but i kind of like it yes but what do you think the price is, Mr. Silverman. It doesn't matter because it's your turn to go first. Good link. Yeah, thank you. It is, I'm going to say 85p. 85p, Paul says.

Now, my thinking is... I'm playing for one per twings. Now, your score has been influenced, hasn't it? By looking at the eBay. I was going to guess 20 quid. That's not kosher. You're looking at the eBay for a price that hasn't been guessed at. Yeah, but... I'm calling in Poindexter. There's a difference between... He doesn't agree. Some idiot. He's not kosher. You're looking at the eBay for a price that hasn't been guessed at. Yeah, but I'm calling in

Poindexter. There's a difference between he doesn't agree. Some idiot. Shut up. He wants more tit. There's a difference between asking for 20 quid on eBay

and then selling it for any old price to get out your charity shop. I know. You know, there's a different But you've gone on the high end, haven't you? Because it's all under a quid.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but that's fine. That's how I'm playing the game. I'm going for one per twing. That's all I'm saying. Stop taking Poindexter to your tit and put him back on the points. Sit him.

He's been very patient sitting there guarding the sacred per twing information. Shut up. What's your guess? Don't fanny about just writing that down. Now, I'll tell you a bit of my process here, Paul. It said that this item new was 55p back in the 60s. What's that kind of...

That's probably about a fiver. No, they wouldn't have been 55p in the 60s because it wasn't decimalized it would have sold in the 70s so that maybe even 80s probably is the 80s yeah i mean it's really in very nice like old stock that they're just trying to shift so it'd still be probably around two pounds now well from inflation i'd say something in that region only a piece of glass though so even at most i'd say this is what i'm saying it's the use of it i don't think it's very useful so i think it's probably i'm going to undercut you all right i'm going to go lower than you and say 50p 50p and finally the final item oh it's a big one oh oh be careful it looks it feels delicate me something in in wrappedue paper. Oh, it feels like another vessel of some kind, Paul, with a lid.

I can hear clinky clinky. This seems like proper China. Yeah. Unlike the granny box. Bloody hell. The granny box. It's that horrible, like Fimo, solid. Oh.

Oh. What is it? It's a mustard pot. It is a mustard pot. This is my favourite of the item so far. Oh, I love it. Look at it. The Adventures of the Mustard Club, it says on it.

Sounds filthy. And it's an illustration of some kind of early brand boy or something on there. Let's have a look. It's a yellow pot. It looks like a newspaper boy is the logo. Is he carrying a paper? It has a little, like he's wearing a sandwich board and it says something, something, all about the mustard club.

It is all about the mustard, isn't it? Yeah, and he's shouting it. He's doing this, like putting his hand to his mouth and going, it's all about the mustard.

It's a very nice, I like the lid. Very nice thing. It's got a lid like a little teapot, doesn't it? Well, it looks like a,

shaped like a teapot. Is it a bovril, what they used to call them? It's like a bovril, yeah. A little mini bovril for mustard. It's a cooking pot

or whatever, two handles. Gap for a spoon. It's nicely made, isn't it? Yeah.? It's like a bovril, yeah. A little mini bovril for mustard. It's a cooking pot or whatever. Two handles. Gap for a spoon. It's nicely made, isn't it? Yeah. That is nicely made. Yeah, it's lovely. That's my favourite item.

Do you know what? All of these... What was the first item? The eggs, yeah? Eggs, yeah. All of these could receive cum, and I think he's done it on purpose. There's a cum capacity for all of these items, Paul,

and I think... Well, that's true of anything. It was obviously Peter's intention for us to discuss these items with relation to male spunkin yeah

spookin of the spunk the milk saver isn't going to catch sperm well actually it was it's got a depression in it and you could see

how much went in there I've got a depression in me right now doing this segment you could hold it above you and actually see the splodges as they rain down. You could examine

the splodges. I'll tell you what, you could use one as a monocle and hold it against your eye as a gentleman of sport ejaculates into your body. I don't know what that means. Yes, but anyway,

I just wanted to mention that. I don't want to sort of, you know, labour the point. Yeah, but there are loads of things in here I could come in. I could come in that bottle. I could come in your can. In a more general way,

I could come in that tomato ketchup squeezy. I could come in a bag. I can come in your can. In a more general way, he's got... I could come in that tomato ketchup squeezy. I could come in a bag. I can come in that box. You can come on anything, can't you? I can come on the record player. I bet you can come in

out of space. You can come in out of space. No, you can't. Where does it come from? It comes out of your balls and into your space suit. And then what happens? Does a vacuum slurp it up

and straight... Have you got like a tube in your meters just pumping? Has anyone jacked off in space? That's a good question. It is a good question. Has any astronaut got the gore? They must have had a wet dream. It's possible.

Do you know what I mean? Has any astronaut jacked or gilled in space? I guess there's more convenience for a lady to gill it in space, but a male has got to deal with a terrible terrible clean up. Well, you've got globules, spherical globules have come

hovering in space. You don't go pearl diving in space. Oh my God. Oh, love it. Love it. Lovely bit of content there, Paul. It's not.

I do. I'm enjoying this mustard pot though. The feel of it. I have to say, that's the easiest. All about the mustard. Yeah. It's my favourite item.

And it would be useful. It's Coleman. So Coleman used to have a thing called the mustard pot, I presume. And probably sent away with packets of Coleman to get this sent, probably. They're all very similar in style. Look at the pictures there of mugs and pots and boxes. I like the mugs. Yeah, the mugs are quite nice. Oh, that's cool.

Is it a 60s thing? Oh, I don't really say, but maybe. Are those policemen on those mugs? What's portrayed? It's hard to make out what's... Yeah, the mugs. Oh, that's cool. Is it a 60s thing? Oh, I wouldn't really say, but maybe. Are those policemen on those mugs? What's portrayed? It's hard to make out what's... Yeah, these are like 80s. You can see there's a microwave... Oh, yeah.

Microwave safe emblem on the bottom of this. Again, with this kind of crockery, you know, corporate crockery giveaway stuff, they make them for years and years and years, don't they? And they don't change the design. So it looks like something that could have been produced in the 30s do you know what i mean apparently the mustard club was an advertising campaign by dorothy l say is for colman's mustard in the early 1920s yes so this is something that they that's when bovril came out as well and

marmite was all around that time yeah they had to compete against the new bovril and the marmite probably mustard mustard is a speciality condiment, as we know. Yeah, I just talked about this woman in the 20s who created the Mustard Club campaign for Coleman's, which was apparently very successful. So, yeah. I'd join the Mustard Club, would you? No.

Especially if there was no television. Horse radish gang, I'm in. Mustard Club, no thank you. I don't want to be a part of a group that would have me like that. I just don't want to hang around the Meaters Chili Gang. What do you want to say is the price for this final item? Meaters Chili Gang. The mustard pot.

I know, I've been putting it off by trying to get an improvisation going about condiments, but come on. I'm going to go 95. 95. 95 for that. I'm going to have to undercut you slightly and maybe say 90p. Oh, basically the same.

Kind of, yeah, but it might be the difference between a between and a no between. It won't because it's none of this bigger than a quid. But it might be a difference between overall points.

You know what I'm saying? If we go down to the wire. Now, Paul, just before we award the betweens, I know we're both very excited for the moment. Not as much as you think.

Do you think you're going to win to this today? I'm not saying I'm feeling confident, but I don't think I would change my scores at this point. You wouldn't change your scores. You're not feeling... Sorry.

Sorry, I was about to sneeze, but then I didn't. Come. Now, what is your favourite item? Oh, fuck me! You did that on purpose. Hey, Fever. You did it to me.

Hey, Fever. I know, it's bad today. In the morning, hey, Fever, in the bloody night. Hey, Fever. You're giving me hay fever. I know, it's bad today. In the morning, hay fever. In the bloody night, hay fever. When you touch me, baby, hay fever. All through the night, I hate hay fever. Right, so shall I do the betwings? Do you want to do the scores and I'll mark it?

Or do you want to mark it? Give me the pen then. Is that clear enough for you, the way I've notified? Yes, I'm happy with that. You didn't write down the two final ones, so let me just put in. Oh, they need names. After Granny's Tate Box, what do we have? The Milk Saver.

Milk Saver. Solid X. Right, and then we had the Mustard. Mustard Gang Pot. Mustard Club, sorry. Excellent. Okay, reveal the points. I'm taking the tabs off the point paper,

and it's all wrapped in an envelope here it's been oh it's a long it's all folding out it's got it now here okay great here we go now wonderful they're not as usual in the order that we of course but you just took them out at random didn't you yes okay so what did we start with no just go by okay no let's go by what we started so we started with? No, just go by... Okay, no, let's go by what we started with. So we started with the egg microwave cups. Egg microwave cups. Now, what did you think the price of the microwave cups would be?

I said 90p. You said 65. The score was... 50p. 50p. Eli gets a between there. I think I get a between there. Nicely done.

Really good. Now... Surprisingly cheap. Now... Surprisingly cheap. Useless. Utterly useless. Yeah, but...

You could do what this does in a saucer with a bit of gumption. Well, yeah. Do you know what I mean? The microwaves are made for people who want to just do things without any complication. You can do a fried egg in like five minutes. Oh, I know, but some people don't care. Boil an egg, there's nothing...

I know, but some people don't care. What I'm trying to say, Paul, is don't you think that's part of the reason these never really caught on big? Because essentially they're useless. And also, they seem to be more for people who maybe live in a flat share or they live in a studio apartment and don't have a kitchen

and they only have a microwave. Right, next one is we have Granny's Tight Box. Oh yes, the terrible, terrible trinket box I think. We didn't say what the... I think it's a trinket box.

Yeah, same difference. I said 60p, you said 80. Our survey said 20p. Oh, so no betwings there at all wow terrible piece of shit it's probably the right price for it isn't it yeah and what's next on the list here comes the milk saver murderer and uh on the milk it's a globular catcher you said 50p i've been spunking on it i I said 85. The actual price is? 25p.

No betwings there again. We just can't adjust, can we? We can't. We've been poisoned by London prices. It's a tricky game we play. I know now, Paul. I'm the victor this week. That's fine.

Which is fucking good. I love to win. So, Mustard Pot. You said 95. I said 90. Our survey said one pound. One pound for the Mustard Pot. You said £95. I said £90. Our survey said £1. £1 for the Mustard Pot. So we both get a between there.

Yes, we do. But you are ahead by one between. So you get your two betwings today, Mr. Silverman. Thank you. Ooh, very low prices. Very, very low prices out there. A win, but a sort of pyrrhic victory. Why?

Because, you know... I got two betwings. You got one betwing. Yeah, but it's not much of a win. Well done for getting a betwing. It's not much of a win, though, is it I've got two betwings, you've got one betwing. Yeah, but it's not much of a win. Well done for getting a betwing. It's not much of a win, though, is it for you?

How's it feel to just get one betwing week after week? I've lost... Because that's the trend you're on, man. That's the fucking trend you're on now. This is it.

I've turned the corner. Champion betwing maker, Eli, they will say, as he comes in the house. Ooh! So, hang on, let me get this straight. Some family just minding their own business

watching TV, then Eli comes in the house and they have to say what? Oh, here's Eli the victor. Let him in. They don't have to say that. They're probably the same family who were in that Butlins photo.

Margaret, please call the police. Eli's wandered in. It's always Margaret, isn't it? You're improvised. Stop going in their house. Your improvised women are known as Margaret. You've done a Margaret. It's the only You're improvised. Stop going in their house. Your improvised women are known as Margaret. You've done a Margaret. It's the only female name I know.

Yes. Margaret. My mum's called Margaret. My nan's Margaret. Your girlfriend, Margaret. Everyone's Margaret. Margaret, Marjorie. Marg.

Marge. Mar. Mer. Mer. And so on. Right, is that it then? What, for my mental health? Yes, it's gone.

Have you got anything to say? What's your favourite item item I'm going to keep the egg saver no the milk saver and I'm going to test it what about the mustard thing you don't need

I don't want it he's pushed it away quite brusquely you can have that if you want you can fill it go on I don't do that

couple of weeks worth I don't believe that box in the story no we've covered that well the guy covered it he didn't, though. With his chunky... If there had been pubes,

then maybe I would believe it. Maybe it was just the detail he left out because he didn't see very many. No, he'd say, you'd say, he didn't think of it at the time because he made it up

and all the consistency of the camera was wrong. Oh, God, I'm making myself feel sick now. I'm making myself sad right now. Don't be sad, Paul. Oh, God. Come on.

Oh, God. Come on. Oh, God. That's the end of the price of shite. Well played, Mr. Silver. Thank you. How would you like your petwings? Just straight up.

All right. Petwing, petwing. Thank you. It does feel good to have them within my golden wing of forget. And I would like my one petwing, please.

Petwing. Thank you very much. Now, I feel sated. Are you sated? I'm fully sated. It's time to wrap this episode up. Got to do the housework until I shut up. Is that what that is?

You talk and I shut up now. You shut up. So bye everyone, basically, until like two minutes and then I won't say anything until you jump in and say Chodney Boroff or something I'm not going to say no Chodney Boroff or Scrabbage or or Muffage or no I'll just be here to say my Twitter handle and goodbye at the end like a good boy

yes a grown up good boy ladies and gentlemen thanks for listening to Cheap Show if you want to know more or explore then go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk if you go to that website you'll see videos and pictures that accompany most episodes we have links to tony's merch page our merch page events physical copies of the cheap show magazine there's one coming up we have a little video on there for our links to digitizer as well and if you'd like

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what else yeah Instagram look for Cheap Show there Facebook do the same Twitter at thecheapshowpod I'm at Paul Gannon Show and Eli is

Eli Snoyd and you spell that E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and get involved with the chitter chatter lots of fun there I believe that's all I know we've got a P.O. box Twitter chitter chatter P.O. box-chatter. Lots of fun there. I believe that's all. I know we've got a P.O. box.

Twitter chitter-chatter. P.O. box to send us all sorts of fun and goodies. And let me just bring that up for you as soon as I can. It was a great Price of Shite today, Paul. I enjoyed winning. Did I mention that? I mean, again, not much of a win. Sort of kind of a hollow, hollow victory.

And also a new item that we've never set eyes on before in our lives which is worth it for the milk saver yes it was right if you want to send anything to our po box you can it's po box 1309 harrow ha19qj that's cheap show po box 1309 harrow ha19qj details on our website too if you if you haven't got you know. Paul, you know, just you saying PO box there has just made me think, what did you do with that box? It is in a special place, away from harmful...

Did you make sure it seals and none of that stuff inside? I have wrapped it in 100 elastic bands. I have put some rope over it. Have you used that many of your precious elastic bands? All the plastic bands I have are wrapped around it now.

Well, I'll be sure... Can I just say at this point, I promise I won't hurt any of your plastic bands again, you fucking freak. You elastic band freak. Gill at you like a fish. You're weird by...

I can't go until my records turn up. Oh, Bungle. At least it's not just an item. You know what I mean? You had a little hissy fit about your record. A little panic attack. My records might come on item. You know what I mean? You had a little hissy fit about your record. A little panic attack. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my record's about to come on out.

You idiot. You stupid, blobby idiot. Blobby? Yeah. Fuck off, you utter Edmonds. You can fuck yourself, you know that? With a big fist in right up against the webcam. Like that.

Like a big fucking alabaster fucking automaton fisting yourself in the hairy backside oh lol DLT fuck me what do you mean lol

GLT what is that like DLT Dave Lee Travis yeah you are Dave Lee Travis that's the worst insult I could think of

you fucking it's pretty bad insult you complete my greed of a human being. All right, then. Yeah. All right, good. That's been a fun show. It's so fucking hot.

Are you sticky listening to this? We're sticky. We're hot. It's been sticky this week. It's been a sticky one. Next week. Next week. We'll have another.

Oh, well, we've got some secrets coming up. It's a secret episode. We've got a big adventure coming up. We'll be out and about in no time we're not stuck in the house of ham and eggs something quite fun planned

but will it be any good probably not we don't know probably not but join us next week for Cheap Show until then

take care of yourselves bye everyone thank you bye you