CheapShow - Ep 236: A Massive P.O.S

Episode Date: June 25, 2021

When Paul & Eli receive a massive "Price of Shite" package in their PO Box, it becomes quickly apparent that it's way too large to use in just one segment of the show... So let's make it the whole show! There is so much to wade through that the pressure begins to show, especially when there is a chance to gamble to grab some BIG P'twings. Eli gets carried away, Paul almost rage quits and someone forgot the P.O.S answers which makes things awkward. It's a show that veers from charity shop tat, football World Cup anthems, magic eye images, kid's comic annuals and a board game that makes Paul WAY TOO excited! Who will win in this epic edition of CheapShow? Find out, why don't you? See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-236-a-massive-p-o-s And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I made a terrible error by the way the other day. Terrible error. With your bum? No, no, nothing bum related. So, you know, we've up until recently had very warm weather, right? So there's been a house in the street behind us. There's been a house? There's been a house in the street behind us.

There's been a lot of houses. There's been people in the house in a street behind us who have been playing their music apocalyptically loud. Really bad. Like bass. You can feel the bass coming through. You can hear, like for instance, I was walking down the street and I thought there was an event going on in the park.

Oh, yeah. That's nowhere near where the house was playing the music. And when I got home, I could see them. It was that place. So that's been going on and off. What kind of music? The shittest, worst. You know, like, you know when you take, like, an 80s hit

and you make it trance? Yeah. Just trance, meld, dance. Yeah. Generic dance sound. Like, I think they were playing all these horrible kind of 80s remixes with a kind of acid house. The power of love.

I love that one. I am your lady. I am your lady, yes. And you are my man. That kind of thing. Apparently, I wasn't there, but my girlfriend said the woman next door came out at one point during the week and went, I can't fucking think. I can't think think and they had a big blowout right anyway are these people in that just a bunch of flat sharers they're all people who live together yeah anyway cut to the

other day and the music's blaring loud and i'm in the kitchen i can't take it anymore so there's a little in the music right it stops and i shout you fucking cunts turn your fucking shit music off it was quiet and then i heard the speakers kick off again and it was happy birthday to you and it turned out there was a kid's party going on in their garden i just called them all guns there's a bit of an error. Yeah, that's only good enough for like the half of the pilot of a sitcom. It's a weak opening.

Like to this very podcast. It certainly is. I had something lined up. Did you? Yeah, it was about, I don't know. Well, then you didn't have anything lined up. I just don't have access to it now. I had something lined up.

I don't know. Listen, I'm going to do an impression of you now. Go on. Ick and I said you cunts. Ick, ick. Fucking cunt. I said it was a kid. My interpretation of you is richer.

And he died. Ick, the kid died. Ick, fuck my life. No kids have died. I've never said fuck my life. Ick, that's what we always say. Sorry, I need to stop you. You don't need to stop me.

Ick. You know the phrase, fuck my life, from... We both accuse each other of saying that. We've both never really ever said that. So I don't know where that comes from. Because we're using it as shorthand to sort of sum up a despairing attitude. That's true. Well pointed out, Paul.

Hello. No, I was going to do, yeah. I was going to do a whole proper opening thing. All right. Go on. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Tube Show. I'm Eli Silverman.

Oh, that's what I was going to say. Rewind. Okay. go on hello everybody welcome to tube show i'm eli silverman oh that's what i was gonna say rewind okay because i am your lady you know what would have been like maybe as funny as it being a kid's birthday if somehow they sampled you yeah in that moment when you said turn that fucking shit off and then they went turn that shit. Shit, shit, shit. It was your voice coming back. Shit off. Yeah, this is the part of the podcast. This is the part of the podcast where I wish I'd cut to the theme tune earlier.

You haven't though. So I'm just going to cut to it now. Welcome to Cheat Show. Happy weekday time. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle

Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where I, Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman go through the charity shops, bargain bins and pound lands of Great Britain and see what treasures we can find amongst the trash and what a packed show we've got today. It certainly is, apart from one element. But more on that later. I can't help forgetting. I can't help it. You're awful.

You'd be awful writing a murder mystery. Who killed Dr. Spliffs? And it's like... Dr. Spliffs. And then you're like... I want more info on Dr. Spliffs before we continue. Well, he's dead now. Does he wear like a lab coat? No, he's one of those doctors that wears a lot of tweed. Ah. You know, he has, he's dead now. Does he wear like a lab coat?

No, he's one of those doctors that wears a lot of tweed. Ah. You know, he has one of those leather bags. And does he have a smoking case? And he talks like this. Yes, hello, everybody. I am Dr. This is my stereo test.

Doctor? Doctor? Yes, sir? There's a phone call from you. It's your wife. She says she's leaving. My phone call from your wife? She says you're Dr. Spliffs

and you're terrible. I'm going to get to the pantry and get some jam. Not even a minute in and we've gone off the rails. Pantry jam. Pantry jam and Dr. Spliffs. That's what we've done so far. A minute in. Sorry, what have we got coming up? Well, we've

got a, today, the whole episode has and will be and is going to be dedicated to The Price of Shite. The Price of the Shite. So Paul, on the table, we've got all the Price of the Shite. Right. The whole episode, Price of the Shite.

I was listening to some old episodes recently and you would sometimes go, hours, episodes. Without saying anything stupid. Without saying anything random and nonsense-based. All right, I'll try for the rest of this episode. Does everyone want that?

I want that. Just for one episode, can you calm down? You used to be intelligent. I am intelligent. You used to riff on comedy scenes. We used to have a bit of back and forth. Well, that was a comedy scene. Mate, you went pantry jam as soon as you could.

So don't even bother. I just thought, where is this person? The person probably go back to the pantry because they're a servant who related a phone call to Dr. Spliffs. Yeah, but you were too busy

going on about Pantry Jam to allow Dr. Spliffs to come to life. He was a received pronunciation type doctor and he talks in a strange way. Strange way.

Basically, we were listening to some stereo split tester single. What do they even call them? It's this, Paul. It was on the Deutsche Grammophone label. Pass the Deutsche Grammophone label on the left-hand side.

Dr. Spliffs would be seeing that, wouldn't he? Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side. Say it. Say it. Say it. Test record for setting up stereo equipment, seven-inch single. Yeah, because we forget that back in the day, stereo was an exciting thing for people who had never witnessed anything with their ears outside of the mono broadcast from their radio. It was equivalent, is it, sort of, would you say, from going from black and white to colour?

I guess in terms of sound, yeah, you know, you have the sound split. It would have been magical. Yes. It's like being there. It's like being there because it can move around. It's the stereo equivalent. Only in a binary way. Yeah. It's like being there. It's like being there because it can move around. It's the stereo equivalent. Or be only in a binary way around your head.

The stereo equivalent of when the train comes towards the platform in that old black and white movie and they used to dive out the way. Well, that's why we're making that comparison with film. Yeah.

So it's like that. It's an apt one. But he's got a very funny old-fashioned, because Deutsche Grammophon is like proper classical music. Oh, yeah. It's like top serious,

take this seriously with your panning and your bass and your treble and make sure it's coming out of the area. For safety's sake, he says at one point. For safety's sake. What's safety's sake? Just to make sure you got it right. The safety of you got it right, basically.

Oh, he's saying to be sure. We're going to repeat the test for safety's sake. For safety's sake. He doesn't say stereo. Stereo. Stereo. Stereo. Stereo funny. And we're Stereo. Stereo funny.

And we're going to be doing a next stereo test. It's like, what are you saying? How is this better English than what make cool brahmi? Next listen to how the guitar pans to the left and me joshing my knobbers off. In the left channel, you'll hear the slip-slap flapping of my flaccid penis against my palm. And on the right channel, you will hear the ejacslap-flapping of my flaccid penis against my palm.

And on the right channel, you will hear the ejaculate splishing upon my assistant's face. Thanks. I just wanted to do that. Yeah, I know. I was thinking we could bank it. Ooh. This is something kind of very polite. Are we going to play some of that record for them just to...

Yeah, you know what? If you send me it, I'll put it in now. If in your apparatus, the loudspeakers are in two separate enclosures place them as close to each other as possible for the following test if the loudspeakers are housed in the same enclosure if for instance you possess a stereo radiogram then you are equally well in a position to carry out this test. You will now hear a sound three times. If the loudspeaker units are correctly polarized it will commence between the loudspeakers and same noise in the opposite direction from that which I have mentioned. If the loudspeakers are correctly polarised, it will commence in the room and finish between

the loudspeakers. It's absolutely delightful. Now, we are, though, they've got serious business today, Paul. We're going to be playing A Price of Shite, so... An episode-long Price of Shite. Because it is an absolute stonking-packed show. And does that mean there's more of an opportunity for me and yourself to score high per-twingage? There are per-twings aplenty

I believe today. Do I have infinite per-twings? I wouldn't say infinite because we don't have an infinite amount of things to go through, nor do we have time to do an infinite amount of podcasts. We could get the all-purpose source. Can we achieve infinite per-twings with the all-purpose source, Paul? No, I don't think source works in a time and relative space type way. What if the source

has all purposes within it mate yeah remember we said earlier in the show about you talking serious and having nice things pantry man so tom who's been in touch with the show people may know him on online as a weekend lollygagger oh it was the guy who sent us the derrick tapes right oh baby and those are pure gold as As of right now. The Derek trilogy. Yes. Well, there might be one

on the way coming. Might be a courtology. So let me bring people up to date with the Derek situation before we get into the Price of Psych. Because a lot of people are really worried about

what's going to happen with the Derek situation. Seriously, people have though. It's like, when's it coming back? I want to know. I wasn't being fucking sarcastic. I'm saying a lot of people will fucking give a shit

about what's going on with the Derek fucking situation. The Derek situation is this. So, at the moment, Tom is looking for the fourth story, the UFO one, which doesn't have an ending, but he knows how it ends so we can all have a guess of how it maybe turns out. However, right, what he's also done is sent me

a big bag of cassettes, and the cassettes is Derek's life story. Apparently he recorded his life story onto these cassettes. There are about eight or nine C90s. Yeah, an hour and a half each one. I've spoken to Tom and I said,

in all due respect, I am not going to digitize what could be seven to eight hours worth of content and then go through it. And he says some of the stuff's quite poor. So I'm going to send the tapes back to him. He's going to digitize it himself and I'm going to let him upload it to his own website. So if people want to know more, they can go there.

But we are going to search for the fourth story. And there are little clips we can use from his autobiography. So we're going to get a selection of the autobiography. In a few weeks' time, I'm going to pick out a few chunks. I was going to suggest that anyway, Paul. That sounds like there's probably some flipping gold in the live story, you know? There's one or two

chunks that i'm going to play in a few episodes time as a kind of taster for the derrick to come all right nice that's what's happening there tom however also sent a huge big box and in it was way too many cool things and it's all a price of shite so today's episode is going to be tom's box and it gives me a chance as well in this episode to talk about things that i've wanted to talk about on cheap show for a while and never really had the excuse. And there's one thing coming up that I'm really excited that Tom found and sent my way because it's amazing. And at the end of the

episode, we will do the scores and it will be a mighty petwing. There's a whole haul of petwingage coming my way. I believe we've got six items in general today. Are you saying it'd be impossible for me to just strike out? Is that what they say? Strike out? I don't know what you're talking about at all, in general.

Would it be possible for me to score no betwings? I mean, in truth, why not? It's possible all the time to score no betwings. There's no option of infinite betwings, just to be clear. Let me be clear. You could win nothing, you can't win everything. Yes. All right?

Thank you. Just making that clear. Because everything is infinite. Well, no. There could be infinite betwings as one of the prizes to one of these items. Well, look. Here's what he's got, right? So he's printed out two Price of Shites sheets. Score cards.

Do I get one of those? Yeah, we get one. This is good, isn't it? And there are six items. I like it. Score cards. Thank you. Now, here's where things get complicated because it it says exact price, obviously two betwings.

Within 25p, either way, the price, one betwing, and everything else is zero. However, he's also put this in. I don't really know if I like it. Gambling. If you nominate an item as the exact price, let's just say, oh, that's definitely 50p. I'm going to gamble.

You'll love this. Right? And get it right, then it doubles the betwing. Oh, yeah. But you can only nominate one item from the whole range. Gamble on one item if you want to double. So if you're sure that... If you feel real good about it.

Yeah, if one item is like... And it's on the nose. Yeah. Now, that's all I have. So guess, actual, and between. Oh, but then, no. Have you read this, Paul? If you get it wrong when you gamble,

you score zero, even if you were within the 25p range of one between. Oh, so, okay. That's the gamble. If you roll the dice and lose. Yeah, it's not worth it. Yeah, I don't like it. It's not worth it because you, yeah.

We don't have to use the gamble, do we? If I was more confident in my abilities, maybe I'd take a risk. But come on, mate. It's been a shit show the last few weeks. He's got an unusual spelling of per twing here with an R. Did you see that? Per twing. Mate, we're going to have to have a chat.

Well, there's no official spelling. There is. One of the episodes is called per twing. It's P-E-T, is it see that? Per-twing. Mate, we're going to have to have a chat. Well, there's no official spelling. There is. One of the episodes is called per-twing. It's P-E-T, is it? It's P-dash-twing. Oh. So there's no vowel between the P and the T. No.

Per-twing. Per-twing. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, you're right. So it's per-twing. That is the official spelling. I'm getting a per-twinch. No, weirdly.

I'm going to get my per-twanger out because I'm getting a per-twinch in it. No. No. It shoots jam, paul it doesn't shoot jam eli it doesn't come on whip i want sensible comedy situations from you this week okay so not just mouth foul sandwich mouth foul sandwich patwango so i just wanted to say that. Fine. We don't have to gamble. That's where I was. I like these rules, man. It's nice. It's very beautiful. It's not very clear

though on whether you have to gamble one of your items. No, you don't have to. And you're saying now you won't. I'm not gonna. I don't have any confidence in guessing the prices. Especially with their second-hand items, it's almost impossible. Because with a sort of of new item you might have been to the shop and seen do you see what i mean but with a second hand item it's going to be different and london prices

manchester prices versus edinburgh prices you know it's do we know what part of the country these all came from or different places or he's got the paper in his hand unfortunately it's the paper that has none of the information that I needed. Eli I'm just going to confess it now. No don't you.

We can't hang a lantern on this. Paul forgot the letter with the information or with how much it was in general. And it's all the way

back in Harrow. And they also forgot the. We're in the house of ham and eggs. The twings. So there will be no twings to have.

I don't know right now what the scores are. I feel like the guy who broke the house of ham and eggs the twings so there will be no twings to have I don't know right now what the scores are I feel like the guy who broke the ejaculations in a day record won his last one no

I'm not going to accept that as anything humorous and an analogy for what we're going through right now I'm blocking that I'm putting a stake

in the heart of that comedy suggestion fuck you mate you're the one who fucked up royally this is like when I didn't bring the sheet. The plan is now,

we're recording as of this recording Sunday. We've got a bit of business to do in Norwich going alien hunting. Bit of business, yeah. And then after that, we're going to come back and we're going to record the between part of the show.

Just got to sort out a bit of business stuff for the listener. Norwich? Yeah, that's where it is. How are we getting there? Magic carpet ride. So, shut up. I didn't... We're going all the way to Norwich? Yeah, that's where it is. How are we getting there? Magic carpet ride. So, shut up. I didn't...

We're going all the way to Norwich. Yeah, Rendlesham Forest. Fuck me. If you're lucky. I haven't even got any clean undies. This segment's gone on for far too long. So, for the listener... I'm ready to play.

For the listener... I'm excited. They will get the whole experience. For us, we'll have to belay the betwings until a later recording session. Belay them. Belay. That's the right word, isn't it? Belay?

No. There's no belay. Belay and delay are two words. Belay. Asking the internet. It's not a word, mate. Belay. Just accept it.

Doesn't say nothing. Literally, you Google whacked. Belaying is a variety of techniques climbers use to create friction within a climbing system, particularly on a climbing rope. That's the ropes that climbers use. So that a falling climber does not fall very far. Belaying.

It's nothing else. We've all learned what the word belaying means. We are going to have to delay our gratification. Delay the belay. On the per twings, Paul, is what you're trying to say. But the listener will get it all in one big healthy podcast package. Look, I've thought of another slightly different meaning for the word per twing. Right.

So you say, how many per twings per twing? How many per twings? Well, that would mean we have to call the items twings. I'm John Pertwee. Mate. Focus. Just keep it Pertwee. Mate. Focus. Just keep it together. Jam and fudge.

Jam and fuck me. Right, let's just get this going. Ladies and gentlemen, let us begin the epic Price Odishaito. I'm rock sharp ready for this. Do you want to do the song? Is it a very past sharp end? Do you want to do the song? Is it a value price of shot? Do you want to do the Price of Right song properly? The Price of Shite song? Yeah, do you want to do that properly?

Now, do it. It's the fucking price of shot. It's the fucking price of shot. It's the fucking price of shot. It's the fucking price of shot. And that is right. Thank you. And let's start with what I think are the meekest of. It's the fucking price of shine. And that is right. Thank you. And let's start with what I think are the meekest of the items on the list today.

The meek items. The meekest items. The ones that will neither nally or nilly us. Okay. You've started now. Don't you start. Is it like some virus? Mouth nonsense virus.

Billy Ding Dongs. Billy Ding Dongs. So what are we starting with, the meekest? Oh, you're going to get it out for me now. We'll start with these. These are called Two Sound Buttons. And what are they, Eli? These are two buttons,

big buttons, about three and a half inches across each in hard plastic packaging. Are you alright? And they're like buttons. You press them. plastic packaging. Are you alright? And they're like buttons. You press them. One is red and it says the word no on it, Paul. And the other is

green and says the word yes. These are novelty items. I guess they're for like playing games or... And we're going to open them up now but it's that terrible kind of packaging that is... Extremely annoying. I've dealt with it. Yeah, there you go. It does actually work. So they've got a little battery pack at the back.

Do you have to provide your own batteries? Yeah, I guess so. We don't have any batteries. Do I? Hang on, I'm going to have a look in me magic bag. Paul's little magic bag. I would expect that when you press it, it's the yes button.

It says yes, Paul. That would be my guess. Paul's little magic bag full of dreams and things. Is it full of dreams? Paul's little magic bag full of dreams and things. And hairs. It's got batteries in. Oh, no, they're AA.

We need AAA. We need the little ones. Hang on. We've got a controller. Oh. Paul's magic bag. I don't think those are big ones as well. No, these are

right I was going to borrow them for this okay here we go I'm putting the batteries from the

remote control and not from Paul's magic bag and it's full of hairy clumps clumpy wishy washy hairs smelling very

fishy right let's see if this works I've put batteries in is there a switch no he cleans out

his bag. Another disappointment on the way to not getting any petwings. Basically, it's how I see this whole bit, Paul. Great. No, it don't work. There's no switch. Try it in that one. Okay.

Try them in that one. Okay. Maybe it's just this button's buggered. Okay, I'm putting these batteries in. Click Try it in that one. Okay. Try them in that one. Okay. Maybe it's just this button's buggered. Okay. I'm putting these batteries in and clicking it in there. Yes. There we go. Mine works.

What does it say? Yes. It says different. Yes. The speaker's on the back. The speaker's on the back. Well, yes. Let's go through the whole side.

Here we go. So we've got. Yes. Yes. And yes. I wonder've got yes and yes. I wonder if there's someone going Yes. That's a robot voice.

Yes. That's self-explanatory really. Yes. He liked that one. Yes. Yeah baby. My baby. Well yes.

Oh, mysterious. How long is this going to go on for? I don't know. Maybe there's an infinite amount of yeses on there. No, we're back round. Give me a Y. Give me an E. Give me an F.

Yes! Mate, what if it's got all the yeses in the world on it? Yes! Ha, ha, ha, yes! That's like... That sounds like Mariotti like Mariarty. It does, doesn't it? Or like Cheech and Chong.

Let me see these. Maybe I put these in this one wrong. I want to know. I want to get the no working. Well, just check the way round I've got mine. I did. I put them in the right way. Let's have a look again.

It just doesn't work. The no button doesn't work. Too negative. Bad vibes, you know. Oh, mate, the no button doesn't work. Oh. Oh, well. Oh.

Terrible, world-killing, landfill-filling crap. So that is our first item in that segment. So, Eli, what do you think? No use. The amount of resources that went into making that, the amount of fun that you'd actually have with it. Do you know what I mean? Because that's the thing.

The reason this exists is so like some twat in the office you've gone through no worse than a party some cunt who works in an office and he's got his own his own little room and he's got a desk with a newton's cradle on and a picture of garfield saying i hate mondays and he's got a button like that and someone comes in and goes hey frank have you got the papers have you got the numbers yet for uh next week's uh meeting? And he goes, and he goes, yes, yes. Yes.

It's like, no, Frank, can you just talk like an adult? Do you have them? It's like, it's a Ricky Gervais-y, office-y kind of thing, isn't it? All right. Just horrible.

Just terrible. We both hate them. Maybe you could use it at a push if you're doing a game show. You could, but then. But, you know, a game show you do on your own, in your house, in your bedroom

by yourself at midnight lonely crying pants around your ankles slamming the yes button down pretending it's a woman's sexual voice it could a kid could enjoy it but you wouldn't want to give it to a kid because then you'd hear it all day long wouldn't you and on the bus and stuff right i was on the bus the other day paul yeah there was a child who had this spider-man rattle like a wheel drum that was like a wheel on the long sort of cane a stick yes like so every time you move it along like a rattle which works like a wheel along the ground yeah just shaking it smacking it on the thing just like um his mom was on the phone and it was just like i just i don't know what a great anecdote right let's crack on apparently they have 10 sayings on that sounds about right doesn't it so yeah novelty stupid

thing for for a boss to have who you despise called frank do you think one of the no ones was like uh no maybe what else we'll never know i could try and get inside and fix it if it's a loose connection but why yeah right how much you think it is for the two puzzles? Do you want me to go first or do you want to go first? You go first. Right, I'm going to say, because they're both together, I'm going to say they sold for £1.50. So I'm going to write £1.50 on mine.

And this is the buttons, right? Yes, what are you saying? And we don't know what part of the world this is from. St. Albans, I think he's from. It was new in the works, this. Well, second now. Because they got it in a charity shop. These are all charity shop finds, by the way.

Okay. I do know it's a charity shop. I just forgot. I mean, when we do the segment later, I'll find the letter and we'll correct everything. I will say it, Quid. So stay tuned for the end of the episode for the betwings and the important background information

to set this whole quiz up. We're doing all right, Paul. We're doing all right. Stereo test. We're doing a stereo test. Is that Dr. Spliffs again? Right, next one is this. Item number two.

Eli, say what you're seeing. Oh, it's a little puzzle that could have you... It says on it... Yeah. The puzzle that could have you, and then the puzzle's name, written in billiard balls, snookered. Well, they're written on

snooker balls then, aren't they? Yeah, but they're all billiard balls. They're billiard balls. No. Snooker is a particular type of billiards. No. It's a billiard table. Are they called billiard balls? The brand of those are billiard balls. That's what they're called, billiard balls. Whether you use them in pool or snooker or billiards, it's a billiard ball. I think you can interchange them.

For the sake of this discussion, snooker balls. balls all right okay i feel like i've wasted everyone's time i'm sorry i do think you can use the term billiard balls to refer to snooker balls i'm not being wrong i don't know anyway this is some kind of puzzle i wonder what kind of puzzle it is oh i didn't expect it to be that i thought thought it was going to be like cards or something. But the whole box is sort of a top-down view on a snooker table. Yes. The six pockets. I'm just trying not to damage it too much with taking the tape off. Yeah, it's quite nice.

It's a very old game, isn't it? And then inside you have another representation of a snooker table. This is a Wellington's game. Not Waddington's, which I thought it said, but Wellington's game. It is like a dice game, essentially, it looks to me, because they're all cubes. Oh, hang on. How to play Snookered. Eight cubes.

There are eight cubes, and they have different numbers and combinations of balls. It's green, I should say. Balls on each side of each cube. Mate, stop tapping the table with the balls on your fingers, because you've got a flat surface right in front of you, which is there, and this makes noise, and you sound like an incompetent cunt. I'm getting sweaty and unhappy.

So, yeah, he's got eight plastic cubes, and on the sides of each are arrangements of different coloured billiard balls. Snooker balls! I said that. I know, but I'm saying it with clarity. Here we go. How to play snookered. Place the cubes together in two rows of four

to make a snooker table. Okay, so place the cubes together in two rows of four to make a snooker table. I'm doing what you say, so please be clear. Yeah, so two rows of four. And that arranges it into the snooker table shape, right? Then arrange them to show three sets of snooker balls. One on the top, one on the bottom, and one on the four sides of the table.

A set of snooker balls comprises 15 reds and one of each white, black, pink, blue, brown, green, and yellow. So I don't understand. So you have to arrange them to show three sets of snooker balls. What does it mean, though, three sets? How are you showing three sets? Three complete sets. So one face has, face has all of them. Yeah.

Another face has all of them. No, arrange them to show three sets of snooker balls. Where? Where are the three sets being shown? You know what I mean? It's like, wouldn't it be four sets? No, it's just each face. Because then you've got two left over.

Let me see that. God, I don't like this game. Place the cubes. They're pretty. Two rows of four. Go on, do it. You do it. I'm doing it. game. Place the cubes. They're pretty. Two rows of four. Go on, do it. You do it. I'm doing it.

To make a snooker table. I do it. You do it. Right, done it. Then rearrange them to show three sets of snooker balls. One on the top, one on the bottom, and one on the four sides of the table. Okay, so on the top, you've got to have the snooker table arrangement with the white number of balls. On the bottom of that arrangement, you've got to have it.

And then around the sides. It's a cuboid. What is it? It's like a plank shape, basically. And they mean each face of the plank shape. So one surface has to show a complete set. The bottom surface doesn't. And the edge basically has to.

Is that right? The edge is comprised of one surface. That's where your three sets come from. Okay. Yes. So, yeah. I don't like this. A set of snooker balls comprises blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is that right? The edges comprise one surface. That's where your three sets come from. Okay. Yes. Yeah. I don't like this.

A set of snooker balls comprises blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Solution included, it says. Well, is it? It's not. I don't see it. We've lost the solution. It's the only thing that's missing from this. This will be forever unsolved because are you going to have a go at this? I'm not going to have a go at this.

I don't know. But it's a pretty thing. It's nice the way they've done the inlay as a snooker snooker table as well to hold the box i quite like it as an aesthetically aesthetically i like it i quite like it yeah but as a game i couldn't be more unimpressed this is the kind of thing where you show it to a child today and they'd be like i play computer games i mean you're not my real dad stop trying to get on with me. I thought you'd like me snookered in. I don't try and be the dad of just people's kids. Not randomly. I'm just saying in my...

You know what? Fuck off. Why bother trying to create a comedy situation with you? I don't know because I'm sweaty. Here we go. So how much do you think? You have to have first guess of this. The snookered puzzle game.

What do you think that's going to be worth? Or how much it costs, rather, from a charity show? I'm going to go with £1.50 for this one, Paul. £1.50. I'm going to go with just £1 on the nose. Oh, we are swapping our positions as vis-à-vis the first item, which was the Yes-No button. Excellent.

Do you prefer this to the Yes-No buttons, though? Yes, I do, Because it's not pointless completely. At least this is a challenge and it's again a word, you know, a brain bender. But maybe it's so hard that the solutions are gone and no one will ever... No one will ever. They will ever know. Or maybe someone solved it and then went to a charity shop

Daddy, Daddy, don't forget the solution. Fuck them. Fuck them he's thinking. Oh don't want to put the solution I paid money. Oh, you're not my real daddy. Why does that keep coming up? No. So, as we go into the first interval,

I said, the puzzle game is one pound and the sound buttons were 150. As we go into the first interval, like, it's just like... You can tell, ladies and gentlemen,

that I am fucking losing it. You say this every fucking week to the point where when have you ever had it? Not only have I got no energy, I'm sweating. I feel like, oh.

Again, fucking talk about repetition. So, remind people what you've said. Okay. For, you've written them in the wrong fucking place as well.

Fuck me. What is wrong with you today? You useless spam javelin. That today? You useless spam javelin. That's not yours, spam javelin. I don't give a fuck whose it is. You are one. What was the first fucking item? Fucking scotch egg of pubic grotesqueness.

Scotch egg of pubic grotesqueness? Yes, I quite like that. So I said... You're a cabaret's cream egg. Mate, I want to wrap this segment up quick, quick, quick. Filled with dog bums. Right, I said £1 for the puzzle game and £1.50 for the two sound buttons. What did you say?

I said £1 for the sound buttons and £1.50 for the puzzle game. It's in the right place now. Disaster averted, as they say. To the next segment! Yay! Item number three. Here we go. Item number three

is according to this list. It's four books. Four times books. Four times books. Four annuals here. I'm going to give... They're all annuals. I'm going to give two to you

and I'm going to have two. So here's two for you. I'm going to start with this one because I hate these and let's get out the way. It's a Magic Eye 2 book. Oh, what are magic eye twos it's just the three magic eye three oh that's exactly exactly no good for me this no you can't do them this is the point i'm gonna about to make because i only have one working good eye do you yeah this eye doesn't work it barely sees anything when i cover my good eye up i I can just kind of see blobs of colour.

But you don't wear glasses. I should. But even if I do wear glasses, it can't fix this eye. What happened to your eye? Born like that. It's just, it's a lazy left eye. So your vision isn't good. Listen, I'll show you.

I'm going to stare at my nose, right? And then I'm going to stare at you. You watch this eye and see how slow it reacts to me instantly looking at your way, right? Here we go. All right. And here we go. Ready? Watch this eye as I how slow it reacts to me instantly looking at your way, right? Here we go. All right. And here we go. Ready? Watch this eye.

Yeah. It's staring at you now. Ready? Hey! Weird! It went all slow like Terminator or something. Yeah. It tracked all slowly.

It's like, ugh. So the eye's slow and it doesn't see very well. So this eye does all the hard work and this eye slacks off. I see. But as a result, I don't have the depth perception needed to make a magic eye. It's about that, isn't it? It's about focusing's about focusing yeah beyond let me just see if i've got i'll never see the schooner uh what is this what's this one here we go so you have you seen can you see these yeah really yeah so the book you have to do again i don't know stare through it basically

isn't it's like you meant you have to imagine you're staring through the magic eye picture oh yeah here we go the reviewing techniques in the book It's a coffee table book. If you've got one, you've seen them all. But Eli is staring into the void right now. Staring into the void. And what does he see? He's in. He's locked in. Are you seeing anything?

Yeah, it's like a dragon's head. Whoa. Like a dragon's head, yeah. You know, to be fair, though, it's like a dinosaur. It's like a T-Rex. Is that what it is? I don't know if there are answers in it to be fair i don't know

they will be at the back look oh there are you're right i'll show you what it is so see if i got that right yeah it's that one yeah what's that one 13 yeah page 13 and yeah it's a t-rex leaning over some palm trees yeah you can see his little hand cool i can just do it cool i mean i've always kind of been a bit sad i can never see do it cool i mean i've always kind of been a bit sad i can never see it's a mad effect because it is kind of it is sort of psychedelic because it's purely in your head it's purely this sort of it's a sort of like a hologram your magic eye focus your eyes if you're looking at a faraway object this is called diverging your eyes one easy way to do this is hold the book against your nose and pull very very slowly away do not focus on the

image that the image come into focus another way to do this is to focus on a reflection on the shiny cover and then just keep staring at the reflection yeah i just defocus basically yeah and then just sort of just try and sort of look don't look anywhere in particular sort of thing yeah and then it sort of comes into view and then you sort of focus on that i've never i've never figured out how it works though you know i don't understand how they encode it. So it's kind of like when you put like a red filter up against one of those images

and it shows you the red. I don't know how they work either. I think it's a computer technique where they can just sort of.

This was big in the like 90s. It was a huge fad wasn't it? It was a huge fad. It was about at the same time as like Global Hypercolour

and all of that wasn't it? Yeah because I remember it was in the film Mallrats. One character throughout the whole of the film was just staring at

this magic guy trying to see and everyone else just walks back oh it's a sailboat yeah that's the joke so yeah it's definitely like do you remember there used to be like fractal posters the same kind of shop where you'd get fractal posters what a fractal poster like the mandelbrot set and all of that those kind of patterns those mathematically produced oh vaguely right yeah, cut, trippy posters. They were huge. People know about fractals. When I was in university, there was a shop.

Every university town probably had one in the 90s that was like a trippy, hippie shop. Yes. And they always had magic eyes, didn't they, in them? Massive posters of, like, wolves howling at the moon. Yeah. And magic eye books and Jostics. Magic eye posters.

And crystals. And they'd have fractal posters. Do you know what I bought there once to impress a girl? Remember, this is 1997. I bought ear cuffs. You know, those little cuffs you put on your ear. Instead of getting them pierced, you just put a little metal kind of cuff on it. Oh, Christ.

Now, look who made this. 3D Illusions by N.E. Thing Enterprises. N for N.E. Not anything, but N.E. Thing. I think it's a E. Not anything, but anything. I think it's a joke. I know, but why make it a joke? You can do it on video as well. There's Magic Eye video. I guess that makes sense, basically.

It's the same thing. You can do the same thing. Book number one. What's a book that you want to talk about? My first book here, Paul. Pernell's Adventures in Time. Word book. See, I looked this up very briefly. And it's by Hutchings. And there's what looks like some Care Bears, really.

Another dinosaur. They're in a jallopy. There's a pig. There's a frog. There's a dog. There's an elephant. By the way. And two bears.

By the way, everything we're looking at and touching today is going to be a picture on our website. So go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, to see pictures of the things we're touching. Now, is that called called the inner sleeve what's the first bit that isn't part of the book i don't know between the the hardcover and the well they would call it a splash page wouldn't they work something like that but it's not quite with a splash page of a dinosaur a dinosaur and there's it's a big diplodocus or something in some water there in the foreground there's an abandoned picnic mate can we right okay so i'm. So here's what I'm going to say.

I don't want you to just describe everything you're seeing in the book in detail. We don't need to know that. There's a guy in the car and there's... Oh, there's eyes there. Oh, I like it.

It's a kid's book. That's what we want to get. It's a kid's book with these characters, these bears and these crazy animal characters in a jalopy travel through time.

Oh, it's time travel. I like this. I thought this was based on a TV. 81 it's from. I thought it was based on a TV or cartoon property. Some kind of property. Nope, nothing. The only thing I can find is that this book exists

and there's no other information. Good books, bucket of books, all these websites I went to just literally didn't, some of them didn't even have an image to go with the scanned information they had on this book. So it's quite obscure. But apparently Purnell made a lot of kind of entertainment educational books for kids. And this must be just one of them.

Yes, it is. Because the first thing is ancient. It's about history, obviously, isn't it? Because they go to different times in their Jallapy. The time machine is like an old-time Jallapy or a car that Penelope Pitstop would drive with her. Yeah, in the Wacky Races or something.

Isn't it? One of those old school ones. A Keystone Cops kind of car, isn't it? Like a Model T Ford or whatever. And it goes...

I bet it does. But it travels in time because there's some kind of hamster or something. Or is he a doggo? The Mad Professor. Oh yeah, the Mad

Professor somehow. He's a dog. He's like Doc Brown. He's got specs on. Four years before Doc Brown. Oh no, he's called Professor Bark a lot.

So the name is a clue to his species as well. I like the pig's name, Tom Trotter. Pigs look like Doc Brown. He's got specs on. Four years before Doc Brown. Oh, no, he's called Professor Bark-a-lot. So the name is a clue to his species as well. I like the pig's name, Tom Trotter. Pigs look like penises here. Big red dogs' penises. Right, I'm going to move on. Barely, there's one called. Barely what? There's one called Pack Lunch.

No, that appears to be an actual Pack Lunch. Croaker Frog's twin brother. Sir Swiney Todd. Sir Swiney Todd. I mean, I like the name. Uncle Trunkle. He's the name. Uncle Trunkle. He's the elephant. Uncle Trunkle.

Hang on. Did you write this fucking book? Croker Frog. I think you went back in time and wrote this fucking book. Wolfgang Hound. Tom Trotter. Fluff. Croker Frog's twin brother.

Lord Main Lion. I like this. I like the artwork. It's beautifully put together. It's well made I like it does feel like it's meant to be tied in

with a Hanna-Barbera cartoon because it's got that same kind of style sometimes they speak they don't use speech bubbles but there's bits where they're talking the Greeks we got in there

again you don't have to describe every page just give us the great we've only got so much time the Greeks the Romans of course you got them

And Yeah I'm just going to Take the book off you now Because Why Because it's like I've gone to a fucking war During visiting hours

Give me the book back The Sun King Oh Is that Louis XIV then There's more characters here Naughty Rabbit Madame Bush Madame Bush Oh Madame Bush?

Oh no, wait there, I got that wrong. Madame Bell. And she's standing next to a bush. Right, put the bell in the bush. Yeah.

And then what happens? All squirters. Stop it. Squirty, squirty. Dr. Frond. Lady Farthingale. Stop looking at the book. You're not doing anything.

Anyway, that's the book. It's a kid's book. Now it's time for my next book. Your next book. We've got four books to get through. We're halfway. This is's the book. It's a kid's book. Now it's time for my next book. Your next book. We've got four books to get through. We're halfway. This is a good one. Let's see it.

Oh. It's Gordon the Gopher Annual. Gordon the Gopher Annual. 1989. In the UK, kids' TV, which is around, what, 3 o'clock to 5 o'clock on BBC One, came from a place called the Broom Cupboard, where a presenter and a puppet would do links between the TV shows and the cartoon shows that kids liked to watch

when they got home from school. It always ended with Newsround. Now, Newsround within that block, or just outside it? No, it was always Newsround, then like a drama or a play, like Graintree or Biker Grove, and then it would go over to Neighbours,

and then it would go over to 6 o'clock news, wouldn't it? And Neighbours was kind of in between. Very popular with kids, Neighbours was, wasn't it? Anyway, one of the hosts, the world-famous Philip Schofield, who is the cuddly TV UK personality we all love and adore, had a puppet in his broom cupboard tenure,

and that was Gordon the Gopher, which was a puppet. Was it ongoing live as well, Gordon the Gopher? Was it mute, though, Gordon the Gopher? He had a squeaky mouth. No. He just squeaked. He didn't speak English. Ed the Duck squeaked.

Didn't he just talk into your... Into his ear. I think it was a sooty thing. So Gordon the Gopher was a big branding success for the BBC, and part of its branding success, I think it was a sooty thing like sooty yeah so Gordon the Gopher was a big branding success for the BBC and part of its branding success I think there was a video game I might be wrong on that

I wonder why because it's such an uninspired puppet do you know what I mean it's such a nothing puppet well you could buy it as well it was like the Flat Eric of its time

where you just buy it yeah but it's not it doesn't have the style that Flat Eric you know what I mean the actual puppet has do you know what it was I think it was because

he became synonymous with Philip Schofield. Schofield was a big sort of star. Yeah, and I think it was very endearing to a generation of kids who remember a certain time of TV being Philip Schofield, you know, Gordon T. Gopher together. Yes. You know, it's just one of those things.

So here's an annual based on Gordon T. Gopher. Look at the graphics. That's so 80s. The first page, I don't know what you call it. It's a splash page. That's not a splash page. It's got a man who's a finch gopher, I think, and a puppy,

and excruciating detail about stupid shit no one gives a fuck about. Angry, angry. So this is Gordon T. Goff. Is someone actually written in that? Yeah, there's loads of... No, it's just the font is like he scribbled on it. Like Gordon the Gopher

scribbled his own version of it. I prefer my book. This is shit. So, yeah, Philip Schofield's writing in the text and Gordon the Gopher's

writing in the hand thing. Oh, really? Oh, really? And that looks like my anal? What does that say? My annual. My annual.

Annual. Annual. Oh, I see. Gordon T. Goff can't spell because he's a stand-in for the kids in the audience Is he I guess

What was his character He was an annoying little shit He was you know He was an annoying little shit Look at his stupid Yellow face Fuck him Has he got a girlfriend there

That's not appropriate Hang on Fuck this It is his girlfriend Glenda Oh he had a girlfriend Guess where she lives Firmingham

Firmingham Firmingham girlfriend where she lives firmingham firmingham firmingham i getting a firmingham looking at her fucking face she lives with her mom and dad she's a good laugh she's dead clever and makes her own clothes yeah so this is shit can we stop i hate him and then look there's all these cartoons epistrips what does he do he does fuck all doesn't he's useless look at his stupid legs it doesn't look like a gopher. He looks like a fucking omelette. He looks like a hairy walking omelette. He's a cute fairy puppet.

He's not. He's shit. Look at this shit graphic design. Do you want to hear one of... No, I'm fucking bored, Paul. Do you want to hear of one of Gordon's groaners? I'm fucking... This is going to be shit.

Watch yellow and flickers. A fucking gopher wanking himself off in the night from the distance. I thought that was quite good. It was not too bad. A lemon with a loose connection. I hate that whole formulation of jokes. What's thick and yellow? Stupid custard.

What lies in the gutter and moans loudly? Eli J. Silverman. No, what does? A car with a broken windscreen wiper can we stop honestly Paul I'm gonna wank

you're gonna wank to it to Glenda yeah or to Gordon or both of them together there's some shots of them together in the Gordon saves Christmas he's a big yellow splat

he was shit I hated him at the time right we're moving on my last book yeah what is it it's a big yellow splat. He was shit. I hated him at the time. Right, we're moving on. My last book. Yeah, what is it? It's a Care Bears book. Oh, we've talked about Care Bears, the end. No, but this actually belonged to someone.

Oh, who was it? Melanie Hampton. Oh, Melanie. I love Care Bears. Imagine if she's listening to this right now going, there's my annual. She didn't have room on the line provided to write Care Bears. Well, the book didn't ask her to write that, though. It just said this book belongs to. It was up to her to write to write Care Bear. Well, the book didn't ask her to write that, though.

It just said this book belongs to. It's up to her to write I Love Care Bears. That's her fault. It is, but she's made up for it by pointing a little arrow from the word care to the word bear, which is written below. Just so you don't lose your way. Just so you don't know. Look at us, taking the piss out of what might be a seven-year-old girl's spelling. Terrible.

Oh, Marzipan Reign, guys. It's a Marvel annual. You can tell with the slickness of the artwork. It's a UK Marvel, specifically, because they have a look and a style. They had a pretty slick artwork, the UK Marvel, didn't they? They did. We saw the Ghostbusters comic. Yeah, same people.

But the thing is, the page layouts and the cartoon drawings and the strip layout are very similar to the real ghostbusters so it's kind of like a house style to churn them out really yes and um i used to buy excalibur which was like a sort of marvel comic but captain britain was the sort of leader okay and that also had a very similar sort but they never had an annual did they no this was might be much later and was a proper superhero comic all right but it had that familiar i get the feeling it was that sort of yeah the uk marvel especially in the coloring yeah and the line work it's kind of um almost i don't want to say past the lead but it's almost a bit washed out but very

um solid at the same time so yeah this is this is oh she's done all the puzzles that's a shame so the stories in here with the care bears the care bear cousins you know obviously it came out solid at the same time. So, yeah, this is... Oh, she's done all the puzzles. That's a shame. So, the stories in here with the Care Bears, the Care Bear cousins, you know, obviously, it came out after the movie, so they were churning these things out.

And as we've already seen in the past on this podcast, they were fucking not shy about whoring their content. All it was was just toys. Selling toys. Buy this. Oh, I was told as well.

Follow-up. You know, we played that single and it was like all those characters saying, I can't wait for you to buy our new single coming out 14th of September

and don't forget to buy the movie and call the line and then when your mum's asleep just take all of the money but all those voices weren't from the original film

kill your parents all those voices weren't from the original film they were just soundalikes from some UK studio who, like, they aired the film once and tried to badly copy it. I ain't got no daddy!

What a weird callback this has become. Right, so, how much do you think those annuals cost? Oh, fucking hell. Do you know what is hurting me, Paul? The knowledge that you left the betwings at home. Altogether, I'm going to say. You left not Poindexter. He's got nothing to guard.

Where is he? He's on the floor. What's he doing on the floor? Trying to escape. All right, Poindexter. There he is. He's got nothing to guard. He's just going to sit there then.

All right, good. So quickly. You were going to punch him then. Quickly. I wasn't going to punch him. Just quickly. We've got to keep going. Books.

It's not my turn to guess the books first. It's yours. Shut up. I'm going to say two pound for them all. Two pound for them all. And what do you say? I'm going to go three pound. Three pound.

All right. He puts three pound. Four books, three pound. Right. Let's race on to the next exciting segment. Are you ready, boys and girls? Because here we go. Come on, Eli.

Records time. You like your records, don't you? You like your records. Can we talk about records with old Mr. Ganny Wanny Woo Woo? Oh, Ganny Woo Woo talked about your records. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. No, I'm doing the accent.

You have to now be Eli. Hey, lovely, lovely, lovely records. Anyway, Eli's being a big dickhead because he can't really

get his shit together for the one piece of effort he has to make during a week to record a podcast. I'm making effort. I'm making effort. Right, so we are now going to talk

about the next section which is, funnily enough, a record section. We are talking about the six singles and one flexi that we've been sent by Tom, and there's a lot to get through, and luckily we can discount a load of them right off the bat. Let's just tick him off there.

Tick him off. Oh, I've got a headache. Have I got a migraine or something? I don't know. I'm not you. Have you got a migraine? Have you got a headache? I've got a bit of a headache.

Well, then, yes, you've got a headache. So the ones we're dismissing are the smurf song by father abraham fucking abysmal what's this one go like i mean it's weird as well because he did the smurf sort of cashing songs but he was just this guy called father abraham yeah and he just happened to do a bunch of smurfs albums that were very popular and every now and then and then you pop up on Twitter because someone will post a video of look at this crazy bonkers guy singing.

It's like It doesn't sound like that. In my head he sounds like the chef from Muppet Show. But not only in your head. It doesn't sound like that. Come on. And when he says

It's good, isn't it? It's good when he says herda herda chicky it's good isn't it yeah and father abraham says and i quote on the song the smurf

song herda herda chicky no he doesn't he does not herda herda

chicky so you're not going to play any no to prove yourself wrong

i've just sung it herda smurf herda herda chicky something like

that now the sleeve that this comes in, Paul, it says Ruby Tuesday on it, which is a better song by The Doors than Rolling Stones. Oh, yeah. Next one we're discounting.

Superman by Black Lace. Fuck that mess. We've talked about this, but in the song you're allowed to sleep, wave, hitch, sneeze, walk, swim, ski, spray, match your horn, bells, okay, kiss, come here, wave, wave. They nicked it as well. They heard it in a club In Germany remember

They nicked everything That Agadou What a load of shit This is pure Charity shop Shit Even the release Is cheap looking

Because it looks like It's been printed out On your home computer And just a badly drawn Faux Superman Yeah it's not like A professional illustration It's probably one of the

People in the band Just went Knocked this off So that's what We've heard that We're dismissing that as well and finally because we have covered it on the episode of cheap show before uh the theme from swap shop by brown sauce which is noel edmunds keith chegwin and maggie phil but we have covered that terrible yes i mean no the actual theme is all right for the for what it is which is the swap shop theme but uh they got rid of edmunds on

drums for the second single. They certainly did. Because look at him there, pricking right out. He's trying to go. And you know he's sitting there with his arms stretched out going like that. Like he's flying. He's giving it a look like, yeah, I'm feeling this. It's like, can I be in the band? Well, you can't sing or play the instruments.

I released a song once. It wasn't very good though, was it? What was his one? Remember? Johnny Alcazam. Something like Alcazam. Alcatraz wasn't very good, though. What was his one? Remember? Johnny Alcazam. Something like Alcazam. Alcatraz. Alcatraz, yeah.

We've talked about that on the podcast. Wasn't that Jimmy Saffold? No, he did the Ali the Bar Bar, whatever it is. Ali the Sheik. Both in a similar way, kind of questionable. Very questionable. And both as human beings, very questionable. So we're getting rid of that.

Briefly, we're going to mention this because I felt like we'd covered this before but you said we haven't so what's this? There's No One Quite Like Grandma by the St Winifred School Choir School Choir now I think the breakthrough was Grandad

we love you Grandad because Britain had a habit of really liking that's all I wanted to say Britain has a habit of really liking... That's all I wanted to say. Britain has a habit of buying novelty songs. We've covered this in the past, but in the 70s and early 80s,

there was a trend of, let's be nice to old people via piss-poor ballads. And that one was by Wilfred... Was it Wilfred Dunne? The guy who played... He played Grandad, didn't he? He played... But he was in Dad's Army.

Yes. They don't like it up them. Yes. They don't like it up them. Yes. They don't like it up them. Was he the one who said that? Yeah. Because he meant bayonets up the bottom. You don't like it up them, they say.

Or something like that. They don't like it up them. Something like that. Frog boy, frog boy, I slice you. I put you on the table and slice you. So anyway, he's the guy who's basically spent his whole acting career playing people 40 or 30 years older than his real age because he was only in his like late 30s when he played that character in dad's army and even in that song he's

playing a granddad even though he could have been in more than his late 40s so he was like the british go-to actor for old men yes um so that was the first one but this is obviously a sort of rip-off of that but was it the same choir is it the st winifred i think it is him this is on the music for players pleasure label or mfp paul okay so st winifred school choir uh from the roman catholic primary school in stockport of the same name, released the single in 1980, and it went to fucking number one. Yeah, yeah. Big boys. Big girls.

Big potatoes. Big potatoes. One of the children who appeared on television in the 1980s recording was a girl called Sally Lindsay, who has gone on to be an actress, appearing in Coronation Street. Another, Jennifer Hennessy, appeared in Doctor Who and the BBC comedy The Office.

So, you know, that's all right. The choir had formed in 1968 and had been recording songs since 72. So obviously different girls, different generations of songs. Yeah, and they did Grandad, right? Hang on, I'm getting to it. Okay. The conductor was Miss Olive Moore. In 78, they were uncredited backing vocalists on the hit number one song,

Matchstick Men and Matchstick Cats and Dogs by Brian Mike. Oh, they're quite everywhere. Twist in the story. There's also two of those songs, isn't there, about Lowry? Yeah, that's the thing. The single concerned the paintings of Ellis Lowry and gave their choir their first appearance, which is obviously why they then decided,

let's do our own breakout hit called There's No One Quite Like Grandma. And that charted in November 79. So you've got nothing, there's no granddad, granddad, we love you. I don't know what this song is. Hang on. In 1980, the choir signed

to the Music for Pleasure, an EMI-associated label known as MFP and released as No One Quite Like Grandma in time for the Christmas market. That's probably why it went to fucking number one

because people's quality of what they like to listen to goes right down at Christmas. Grandma. The song was written for the 80th birthday of Queen Elizabeth's The Queen Mother

in 1980 by award-winning record producer Gordon Lorenz and sold one million copies. Most of them were presents from grandchildren to their grandparents.

It was at two weeks at number one and 11 weeks in the charts in total. It was the only hit for the MFP label and then they released an album called

Children's Party Time where they did songs like Waterloo and Dancing Queen. That can't be true that it's the only hit for the mfp label and then they released an album called children's party time where they did songs like waterloo and dancing queen that can't be true that it's the only hit for the mfp label that's what it says here because mfp put out loads and loads and loads of stuff lps and stuff well there we go next one we're going to talk about this because we don't i don't know what it sounds like there's nothing to do with granddad no it was just it was just they cashed in on the popular old person song trend which existed exactly for about 12 months no because there was granddad granddad we love you that came out beforehand i think didn't that have the choir on it i need you to do some research on that sorry paul granddad we love you song granddad okay granddad is a popular song by herbie flowers and kenny Pickett and was recorded by Clive Dunn.

Clive Dunn's his name. Right. While starring in the long-running BBC situation comedy Dad's Army, Dunn met bassist Herbie Flowers at a party and on learning he was a songwriter, challenged him to write a song. Flowers wrote Grandad. What a move. Go on, write us a song so I can be popular. It's called Herbie Flowers, though.

Oh, this was released in 1970 originally. Yes, that's what I'm saying. So years before. Well, 10 years before, yeah. The single was released in November 1970 and

was aided by promotion on such shows as Basil Brush and DJ Tony Blackburn, claiming it as his favourite record. Oh, Tony. In January 71, it

reached number one in the UK singles charts for three weeks, in which time Don was celebrating his 51st birthday and went on to spend a total of 27 weeks in the charts.

But there's no choir. Does it say anything about the backing? It doesn't say anything at all about that. So this grandma, no one is a bit of a sort of reprise of that whole thing.

I thought they were at least much closer to each other, but there you go, shows what I know. Right, so next song we're going to get through is called This Time We'll Get It Right,

England Will Fly the Flag, the England World Cup squad. And it sounds like this. We are most 22 Hear the roar Of the red, white and blue This time More than any other time This time We're gonna find a way Find a way to get away

This time Getting it all together We'll get it right This time We'll get it right This time We'll get it right This time

We'll get it right This time We'll get it right Right, so this song was... So again, I think we've covered this before, but it was a trend for English or certainly football teams in England to release songs on the way to the cup final as a kind of way to boost support. When do you think they stopped doing it we

covered it in the episode a few weeks back when we talked about like it was quite recently they stopped doing it yeah but they don't do it anymore do they i think the last hit of note was three lines which we've covered so yeah it doesn't really happen anymore back in the day though this is 1980 what do we say 82 yeah during the World Cup in Spain. And that would have been slap bang in the middle of that fad for having football songs. Very much so. For major tournaments. Yeah. Just before, you know, people like Chaz and Dave got into it.

Yeah. And were supporting Tottenham Hotspur, I think it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, this song is awful. It gets a bit more elaborate towards the end. I will say that for it. It's pure, pure pain and torture just getting through it it's just it's so simple and that you can tell they've made it simple because it's a chanty it's chanty but

also it's sort of like because they know they have to get the football squad who but here's we weren't even particularly good footballers well no here's what there's an interesting back story to this in that in 82 there was all kinds of controversies apparently England hadn't qualified for the World Cup in 12 years no they had yes at all and then I think

they didn't they went out not too early into the 82 but they were they were knocked out but undefeated knocked out undefeated

which is a weird rule because of the rules they think they had two group stages or some kind of thing they had many group stages and by the time England had to go up

against for example Spain they'd already got far more points in their table which means even if they won that match they wouldn't have had enough points to go through.

So they were undefeated. So there was also that but also at the same time the Falklands War was still a thing. It certainly was. So there was a whole

thing about well if they do get through and they end up playing Argentina that's going to be a problem because fans, who are going to say blah, blah, blah, the actual war itself, the ongoing political bullshit. And England were like, maybe Argentina should not play.

And Argentina went, no, we're defending champions. How about you fuck off? And so there was all this going on. So this is why the song's called This Time We'll Get It Right. It's so pathetic and apologetic. Because it's the first time that they're in the competition for so long. And the lyrics...

This Time We'll Get It Right. But also the B-side, England Will Fly The Flag, has a certain jingoistic... But it's also sad. It's like... It's weird. Britain go on about,

you know, two world wars and one World Cup. But when you think about it, that one World Cup was in 66. And everything since then, every single song's been like,

we'll do better next time or we're shit but we're good you know we'll try yeah and we're gonna do it's coming home yeah it's coming home this year and it's we're gonna get it and last year we didn't but this year we will it's all kind of sad there's an undercurrent of like sadness deep deep melancholy yeah as if and it's weird we still hang on to the 66 World Cup like it's some beacon of our amazing Britishness. But like every other country

who's won it five or six times is like, what? We've got loads of them, mate. Do you want one? No. Here's the next one then, which again is something

I thought we'd covered, but we hadn't. It's called the postcard song sung by Kerry. It's a postcode song. What did I say? Postcard. It's the postcard song. It's not the postcard song, everyone. It's the postcode postcard song. What did I say? Postcard. It's the postcard song.

It's not the postcard song, everyone. It's the postcode postcard song. Are you all right today, Paul? No, I'm getting worse as we go. Right, so, and it sounds like this. When you're sending letters anywhere, there's one little thing to do, to do. As you're writing out your letters, put your postcode on, just like it says in the postcode song. So use your postcode, it's so simple to do. Then the people that you send to, they can do the same for you. Use your post code, it's so simple to do. Then the people that you send to, they can do the same for you. Everybody will be happy if the post is really snappy and arrives there when it's due.

Let it always work for you. It will help your post go through. Then everybody will be happy if the post is really snappy and always gets there, always gets there, gets there when it's due. And it's interesting because this song was made... It's obviously a song to promote postcodes, Paul. And in a slightly...

Well, the B side is the letter song, which is also promoting the use of the mail in general, I think. It's basically saying, aren't letters lovely? You should send more letters. So postcodes are good because although introduced in the 70s, maybe people weren't using them enough. There was some kind of push. I'm trying to think why this would have been written.

No, it was just, I think they've got, what's the B-side going to be about? I don't know, fucking letters. Let's write our lovely letters off. No, but I'm talking about the A-side. Why is the A-side about postcodes and how you should use a postcode if you're going to send a letter, which is essentially what it is saying. It's sad, though, because I thought this was going to be the one by The Who, the postcode song. Do they have one called the postcode song? Yeah, it's called the postcode song. Couldn't tell you what it sounds saying. It's sad, though, because I thought this was going to be the one by The Who, the postcode song.

Do they have one called the postcode song? Yeah, it's called the postcode song. Couldn't tell you what it sounds like because I don't know it. I just read it as I was scrolling now. What are those stickers called? Fluffy stickers? No, I know what you mean. Pop-up fluffy or something.

Bubble stickers? They are stickers which are a 2D drawing, but they have a sort of 3D-ness to them because they're fluffy. Yeah, they've got some kind of foam in it that makes it puff up. People know what we're talking about now. Yeah. Those are one of the most ephemeral type of stickers from that era because they always get picked away by a child. And crumble and all the fluff falls out.

So to see if that is really well preserved, the one that is on the back of this. I'm sure this sticker has something to do with the campaign that this song was supporting, Paul. Because look at it. Read what it says on the sticker. Right, so I did a bit of research, right? And I found out that if you go to the Royal Mail website, there's an article about the postcode song in 86, sung by someone called Kerry.

As the number of addresses in the UK continued to increase, a more efficient way to demark address areas was called for. Modern postcodes were first trailed in Norwich in the UK in 1959 and then introduced to Croydon in 1966. Coding the entire country was done in stages and finished in 1974. This single vinyl record features the postcode song and the letter song. The record sleeve includes an image of Poco, the postcode elephant. Thank you.

A character used in the 1980s for the postcode advertising campaign. The sticker on the back says, Poco says, please use your postcode. Yeah, because I guess it still hadn't, I guess, stuck with people that you need to put a postcode on a letter, which is something I don't remember.

I always remember postcodes. Yes, I mean, it's that, but also I think because the postcodes must have been exploding exponentially, the amount of them. Yes. At that stage. They said there were more residential areas needing...

In the 80s. Yeah. But what gets me is, 86 seems quite late to do this. You would have thought that'd be something they did in the 70s while they were prepping it up. Because the reason it went with the elephant was because the image makes you think of,

don't forget, you know, elephants don't never forget. Yes, don't never forget. But this is a pink one, which makes you think of being drunk. you know elephants don't never yes don't forget forget so this is a pink one which makes you think of being drunk or being dumbo so uh i don't remember what that

song was all about but i do remember getting pissed and trying to fly exactly what's a fucking post sick of feather at my ass the character of poco was invented in the 80s

although use of an elephant and publicity campaigns played on people's forgetfulness when using post codes poco himself is well remembered to visitors of the royal mail archive in addition to the poster that they show on the website you could also get pens and sweatshirts and badges and then they talk about the vinyl record and puffy stickers yeah puffy i think

they were called those stickers yeah and brian daly who wrote the song for this we were like oh what's he done and apparently he did a lot of kid shows, notably in the UK, a show called Postman Pat, and another show called Bertha. Postman Pat? Postman Pat and his black and white car, early in the morning. He puts charm on his bellend, the cat licks it

off with his raspy tongue, tongue, tongue. Tongue, tongue, tongue. Everybody knows his big throbbing cock and everybody smiles as he drags it behind him. He fucks the cat. He fucks the cat. You ruined my lovely interpretation of Postman Pat with his hanging dong.

He fucks a cat. Right, great. So Poindexter's here. It's an odd thing and I can't imagine. Would they sell him in post offices, do you think? Yeah. That kind of shit? Yeah.

I'll go in. Oh, postcode song. What is that, Mum? It's a song to teach you how to use your postcode, Eli. Oh, I like it. Puffy sticker. Poco. I'll never forget that.

What's my postcode? NW7. O-R-D. I love it. Love the postcode. NW7ORD. I love it. Love the postcode. Who's got a cat? Who's got a cat? And at this point in the podcast,

Eli just decides it's more important to pretend fucking a cat or Poindexter, which he's stroking like fucking Blofeld Strokes' cat right now. Poindexter likes it. This is 20 minutes. We've got one last song to get through. So the last one we've got on this list is, oh, Happy Birthday Daddy. Now, this is my favourite of all of the pieces.

This is a flexi disc. This is the flexi. And it is a sort of souvenir flexi disc. I guess you must have bought it. Birthday card. You must have been able to buy it in like AA Smiths or Top End News Agents or something. The sleeve doubles as an envelope so you can post

the card. So there's a space for the dress on the flap of the sleeve that contains the... It contains three items. One it contains a slim birthday card then it contains a sticker, a simple sticker that says it's my birthday but obviously what we're here for is

the vinyl. The Flexi. And the Flexi sounds like this. Hi there, this is Radio Wonderland. Today we're calling Daddy. Hello, Daddy. It's your birthday today. So here's for Marley Flame to sing a song specially for you. We're celebrating your birthday on Earth Day. Whatever the weather, it's gonna be fine. So whether it rains or it shines, it's the

best day of all. Happy birthday! Hi there, Daddy. This is your song, and it's your party, all that they love. Hi there, Daddy. This is your day, so let's all cheer. Hip know what it's it's a

lovely sentiment and you don't get things like this really anymore do you the closest you get are those birthday cards that come with a cd of the year of your birth and it's like here's all the things are happening when you were born i guess it's sort of like an early version of those musical cards yes isn't it but you had to actually put the record on yeah and it's it's nice it's sort of like an early version of those musical cards. Yes. Isn't it? But you had to actually put the record on. Yeah. And it's nice. It's a cute thing. The song is, you know, what it is.

Brilliantly preserved because you've got the sticker and the card hasn't been folded over. It's mint on card. It's totally mint on card. I'm going to have to say mint on card. The card is mint and everything else is mint. I love it. It's one of those things where we don't care for the music but the package in general, the fact that it exists

is a lovely thing. You say that, but did you hear all the moogie, dreamy sound effects? Yeah, no, you know what, that's right. It's quite moogie, isn't it?

As this sort of thing goes, it's got quite a high moog quotient. Yes, yes, it does. It has a bit of experimentation for what is a... It's got a bit of fizzy, fizzy space laser noise.

And there's a character... I do. I do do. There's a character who sings called, what, Flamely, what's his name? Why is he called Flamely? Where? What's who sings called, what, Flamely, what's his name? Why is he called Flamely?

Where? Who is he? Flamely Flames sings for your birthday. Why is he a flame? He's a birthday candle, isn't he? And he's singing on your flying cake. Radio Wonderland. Oh, yeah.

Radio Wonderland. So you can imagine there was Happy Birthday Mummy ones as well. And then Happy Birthday Grand. Brother. Sister. Daughter. Dog. you can imagine there was happy birthday mummy ones as well and then happy birthday brother sister daughter dog and that's why it reminded me of because we years ago we discussed a record that i picked up which was a birthday greeting record it wasn't a flexi but it was um it had a name so just like you get mugs in sort of shitty gift stores yeah which say richard and say you know the reason i say richard is because i think

this one was richard the one i've got but they just it's exactly the same song on every record but there's someone has swapped out the name swapped out the name and you had to make it scan it's like oh and i love you now it's chris christopher yeah hold chris oh christopher i love you now right so now we've got a price it's the pointless price guessing element so for the singles how much do you think all singles all the six singles not the. So for the singles, how much do you think all the six singles, not the flexi, just the six singles, how much do they cost altogether? Paul, woo, woo, woo, woo. I'm playing my gambling option on this.

He's playing his gambling option. Woo, I think I want to gamble, Paul. Woo, what are you going to do? I think I'm going to gamble on this item, Paul. I think I'm going to gamble. Paul's written down his price guess. I haven't yet. I've just written down that on this round you've put a gamble on, so I think I'm going to gamble. Paul's written down his price guess. I haven't yet. I've just written down that on this round,

you've put a gamble on, so I know when we go to the scores later. Paul, I think I'd like to put a gamble on. Go on, then do it. What is it? I think the exact price of these six would be... All six singles together. Three quid.

Oh, I was going to put that exactly as well. Can I put three quid as well? You can put three quid, but you're not gambling. No, I'm not. So there you go. Was it six? It wasn't six. It was more., but you're not gambling. No, I'm not. So there you go. Was it six? It wasn't six. It was more.

It is. It's six. No, it's more. It's not. It's more. What do you mean it's more? You miscounted. There's the flexi.

Yes. There's the postcode. It's a different price. Six singles. One flexi. I have said this. I was talking to you at the beginning of this voting section. I'm scared now.

That literally said there are six sections, six singles. I wasn't listening. I was talking to you at the beginning of this voting session. I'm scared now. That literally said there are six sections, six singles. I wasn't listening. I know. And then you fucking have a little patio on because you think I've fucked up. But in this instance, Eli, you weren't listening. So it's right. So please give me your price. Is it three pounds?

Fuck me. I am shaking with anger right now. Wow. And I am going to have to I'm going to go ahead and say take care of yourself mate

£3 you were going to say £3 as well I was going to say I'm going to stick with it as well so I won't get the gamble if you are right

you will get two betwings but you'll get the whole gamut I'll get four so how can I do it so I could get a point if you fail then do I have to undercut you or overcut you if I fail yes you have to go 5p either way so I could get a point if you fail then? Do I have to undercut you or overcut you?

If I fail? Yes, you have to go 5p either way maybe. I'm going to put 350 then just to play the game. Yeah, yeah. Right. Good, nice. Now for the flexi itself, how much do you think the flexi is? The flexi was separate.

Yes. I did make that abundantly clear a few times. All right, all right. Jesus, it's a touchy subject. In this segment. No one hears you when you're just going blah, blah, blah. I've been clear a few times in this segment. No one hears you when you're just going blah, blah, blah. You don't hear anyone because in your head you're going blah, blah, blah.

You don't listen to me anymore. You don't listen to me anymore. Do you want to give me a price for the FlexiDisc before I stab your eyes with this pen? I've given you. What was it? I wasn't listening. Who wasn't listening now? You can't listen back to that. 75p. You said 75. I. You can't listen back to that. 75p.

You said 75. I'm going to say 50p. Right. Right. Let's end this segment and move on to our final segment. Right. This episode's gone on for too long. Let's crack this off.

Okay. I'm ready. Ready for my last item. It's the final item in our grandiose price odishaito. Let me just get point dexter. He needs to be here for this. Right, and this is a, you could almost call it a Ganon Golden Games. It's a game, is it, Paul?

But I've never played it, and you haven't played it, and I've wanted this game for a while, and Tom managed to find it and send it this way, and it means I can talk about one of my favourite things ever. And Eli, I'm going to show you it. Oh, yeah yeah now you can tell the world what it is we might not get a lot out of this but i didn't want to save it till last here we go this is the trapdoor game burke's trapdoor game on spears games yeah four years and upwards two to four players it's great and it is lovely paul i am with you i love trapdoor because you know

explain what trapdoor is to everyone trapdoor and i didn't know this started in 1984 the same year as ghostbusters came into my life so i think at that time i was in enveloped in like this supernatural spooky kind of thing and trapdoor and ghostbusters were the two things it's a stop motion plasticine animated show about this blue blob man who lives in a castle and he has a trapdoor in that castle because he has to look

after a thing upstairs. He has a master upstairs. He's a house servant, basically. But in the trapdoor is a lot of creepy crawlies. And things come out every episode

and Burke has to try and get them back in one way or the other. And whilst trying to prepare meals and stuff for the master. I tell you what, here's a little clip of it

because it's great. Here's a little clip of it, because it's great. Here's a little clip. Wild Beck. Beck! Beck, where's my food? Coming right up, old cold and sweaty one. He's been stuffing himself all day. If he don't stop soon, he's going to burst.

He's been stuffing himself all day. If he don't stop soon, he's gonna burst. Ha! He's done it now. Serves him right for eating so much. Poor old Beck works really hard. Ah! Hmm. Hmm. Yes. Yes, this looks like a nice place.

And who might you be, you horrible little things? Well, I'm B-B-B-Bony and here are Drat and his c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c- tell me tell me what do you taste like so that clip's fantastic the animation was brilliant as well wasn't it really fluid

and all drippies and drops and stuff. Slimy and gooey. Slime. Just the liquid way they used the plasticine was outstanding, wasn't it? Aesthetically, it was right up my street as well. It was very cartoony, very bold and bright, but at the same time, dark and spooky.

It's beautiful. That episode that I think I played a clip from, I watched back recently and it really unnerved me. And I was like, oh oh i don't like that it gave me the holly gobbles really yeah but then does it go big because sometimes the little cute things come out and he goes oh he's all right and then they end up being monstrous and he's got a sort of um rural accent like a bird doesn't well it was voiced by uh willie thornton no willie rushton rushton who was a British comedian, well-known for like the private eye

and, you know, the satire scene of the 60s. Right. And, satire boom. And then later in, I'm sorry,

I haven't a clue, the panel show. But he had a very, well, he put on a voice for Trap Dog because he was like, oh, glarbits.

You know, he had that kind of, but he didn't have one of those sort of, he had a rural accent to begin with, didn't he? He had a sort of, I feel awful for not knowing this information off the top of my head, but I can't remember.

I'm sure... I think he was a London-based guy, though, to be fair, because he wrote a lot of songs about parts of London that you wouldn't know unless you lived around here. Didn't he have that big hit with Neasden? Neasden? Yeah, he did a song called Neasden or something. Yeah, about a weird part of London.

It's weird. There's a lot of comedy songs from that era, like when the Goodies did Cricklewood and things like that. Cricklewood was a Beatles pastiche, wasn't it? Well, more of a sort of psychedelic pastiche. So anyway, Trapdoor is amazing. It's fantastic. If you ever see it on YouTube, watch it.

It has a sort of almost psychedelic edge to it as well. Some episodes are a bit trippy and weird. Do you know what I mean? And some are nerdy. That's what I love about it. And some are wack were wacky now there wasn't much merchandise of trapdoor there was a few books and a few like you know pencil cases and stuff but there weren't like you could buy the single oh i'll play the single here's the theme from trapdoor they released a single i'm gonna play that now as well hello children want to hear a nice bedtime story?

Creepy, crawly, slimy things that stick on to your skin Foreign beasts with tentacles that want to pull you in Wormy worms, slugs, and snails that lost their inner goo They'll wait down there forever till they get their hands on you Don't you want to let Jack go? You're a fool if you dare Bring me away from that Jack's door Best kids TV I'd love to get hold of that Yeah

That's really hard Every time it comes up On Discogs The last time someone sold it According to Discogs Was like five years ago on ebay so really yeah it's hard to see it pop up every now and then if anyone's got a copy of it please send it to the cheap show po box address on our website but this is a board game based on the tv show and i've i i saw i heard about it for the first time a few weeks ago and never knew it existed. Amazing.

It's not even on eBay. And the one time I did see it on eBay in a closed sale, they were asking silly prices for it. And this was found at a charity shop. Now, Paul, what is the game mechanic? Is it a sort of reskin of a more famous game or just a different version? No, the game is kind of simple.

The idea is that you've got this kind of path that goes around the side of the board right you've got to get from the beginning to the end if you have a race game if you land on a square that says ladders kind of there's no it's just one path around the board right there are like miss a turn things like that but if you land because you spin a dial to move right if you land on a trapdoor square or a trapdoor tile on the board then you have to fire off one of the trapdoors and that ejects a dice out and the dice has two types of sides one is a like one three or six and that means you move forward but if you roll with an image of a monster on and a number that tells you how many steps back you have to go so it's kind of simple it's just

you move around the board trying to avoid space yeah roll a dice back you have to go. So it's kind of simple. You move around the board until you hit a space. Roll a dice. Do you want to have a quick go of it? It's really simple to set up. Oh, it's got a nice plastic... It's a nice little plastic toy with these little... Oh, I like the design of the spinner as well because it's the character.

What's he called? Burke. Burke, of course. Burke is the hero. You've got Boney, who's the skull. It says it on the fucking box here. Drut, which is the spider. And then there's a character called Rog,

who was the friendly monster that came out of the trapdoor every now and then. And he's a bit dumb. Now the spinner has, the actual spinning element is the arrow, is Burke.

Pointing. Pointing his finger. Nice, isn't it? It's great. You know what? I just wanted to mention, Paul. Yeah. The lettering on the box design,

does it remind you of anything really strongly? Monster Munch. That's what it reminds me of. Really? Yeah. What, the main logo you mean? Yeah. Yeah, I really strongly Monster Munch that's what it reminds me of really yeah what the main logo you mean yeah yeah I guess almost

Monster Munch almost feels into the same aesthetical place as Trapdoor really it does isn't it and I fucking love it yeah and you know what

they also did an animation show called Stop It and Tidy Up which was visually the same but it was all kind of like Pigeon Street animation right you know like cut things moving around

oh like cutouts yeah so like Pigeon Street kind of stuff because I love Trapdoor and I wish they'd made a movie this is such a lovely piece so I'm going to put I'll tell you what You know, like cut things moving around. Oh, like cutouts. Yeah. So like Pigeon Street kind of stuff. Because I love Trapdoor and I wish they'd made a movie. This is such a lovely piece. So I'm going to put, I'll tell you what.

I love the illustrations on it. Pictures on our website. So yeah. Oh, they pop out here, the dice. So there are four dice already in underneath these trapdoors, right? Yeah. You've already preloaded the dice. But if you press that button, it fires the opposite window out.

Yeah, just for a test. Yeah. Yeah, go on. Oh, too for a test. Yeah, go on. Oh, too much. Yeah. Put it back in. Let me just try again. I've got to open the flap now.

Okay. Cool. So you reload the dice. I like that mechanic. Per round. Every time four dice have been done, you then put them back in. It's pretty cool, isn't it? Simple. So you press it and fire a little dice.

It won't cut now. I did it too softly then. Too soft. So I'll tell you what, let's have a little quick game now. It's a little skill to actually getting the fucking dice out. Who do you want to be? Boney, Drutt or Burke? I'm going to be Burke

because it's my game. Drutt. You can be the spider Drutt. All right. Boney goes in the box. He had a sort of posh voice. Or was he Scottish? No.

Drutt just made farty squirt sounds. Yeah, but it's like Boney used to talk, didn't he? Yeah, but Boney was more like Oh, Burke. It was more like that kind of thing. Okay. Oh, Burke.

Oh, that was it. Oh, Burke. Oh, there's something... He's regressing. There's something coming out of the... I've lost it now. Right, so we'll start on the start space. All right, cool.

I'll let you go first. You can spin the dial. Spin the Burke. Spin the Burke. I'm going to spin the Burke. And it lands on two. So you move two spaces. Which way?

Down here. One, two. One, two. Right, my turn to spin. I'm drut. It doesn. And it lands on two. So you move two spaces. Which way? Down here. One, two. Right, my turn to spin. I'm drut. It doesn't look much like a spider. Yeah, one space. All right, so your go again. Spin the thing.

Behind me. Yeah, one space behind. Oh, trapdoor. Now, okay. Trapdoor. Even if it says you have to go back seven spaces. They're trapdoor spaces as well. Yeah, because you can land on those.

You can land on it either. Right. You can either spin it or you can land on it. It's all about the trapdoors, isn't it? So now you just look at anyone you want, fire a dice out and see where it goes. Oh, I can try anyone?

Yeah, go on. Oh, monster. Back one space. Oh, bollocks. Oh, that's a shame. Oh, that dice. I'm on top of you now. Right, my go.

Oh, I have to fire the trapdoor one off as well. Yay. So which one did you do? That one? Yeah. So that was that button. So I'm going to do

this one near me then. Right, here we go. What's it like? Six. So I'm going to do this one near me then. Right, here we go. What's it like? Say six. So I go forward six spaces. Oh, fuck you. This is shit, this game. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Here we go. Cheating already is everybody. Right, so you just put that in there. Right. Oh, the dice come out. And then when all four are out, you put them back in. So then that means there are only two doors left to choose from. You have to choose a full one.

I don't know. Yeah, you do. You do. I played it with my girlfriend last night. So yeah, there are only two doors left to choose from. You have to choose a full one? I don't know. Yeah, you do. I played it with my girlfriend last night. So yeah, there are two left. Once they're gone, you put four back in. Okay. So you spin the thing now. Five.

Five. You move five spaces. One, two, three, four, five. Miss a turn. I'm having the worst luck here. Here we go. Five. Oh, one, two, three, four, five.

Let's play until we've emptied all the trap doors out. So you got furthest. I thought you were going to say something else. Let's play until we've emptied all the trap doors out. So you got furthest. I thought you were going to say something else. Let's play until I've emptied my pipes. Two, two. Oh, trap door. Trap door. Which ones have I got?

So I fired that one and you fired that one. So it's one of these two. Seven back seven. Fuck's sake. The monster got you. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Terrible luck with monsters. Do you want to end it now?

Do you want to end this now? It's fucking domination. Yes. Dominate. There you go. You won. It's simple, isn't it? It's for children.

It's got a fun little mechanic. Yeah. And I like the fact that they worked the trap door into it, like the monsters spring out. Yeah, but there's very little to it. I mean, I just think they've just done a nice job in terms of recreating the artwork. I've seen better, funner games. Better,

funner, but considering I didn't even know there was a trapdoor board game, and now I've got one, and actually it's a bit better than it was just... Imagine if it was just a fold-out normal board game. No, it's definitely... Because it's right up your street, isn't it? Because it's got a sort of plastic mechanism. It's got a toy mechanic. A toy mechanic is what we're into

on Ganon's Golden Games. Yes, but how much was Burke's trapdoor game? Very nice item, Paul. I can see why you're so excited. I'm very fond of this because when I was a kid I used to have a

trapdoor cookbook and that's still in storage so I need to get that back. Wow, a cookbook? Yeah. Was it, you made like slime? Slimy cakes and things with green on them.

And there was a massive trapdoor cake where they had to cut a big hole in the top and make it the trapdoor and a monster that would come out with marzipan yeah cool yeah you can make soup and a ghostly salad and a soup with like eyeballs in yeah yeah cool you know what i mean love that stuff you love you know what your whole aesthetic is sort of fun supernatural it's i call it a ghost train ghost train a ghost train aesthetic and interestingly you know like when i talk about my ghost train ghost train a ghost train aesthetic and interestingly you know like when i talk about my ghostbusters book and i did that triangle with a ghost in

that was my logo for my kids ghost hunting team spirit squad that triangle and the ghost doesn't don't you think the ghost looks kind of similar to how you draw burke it does but it also looks a bit like that superman on that paper lace Anyway, board game. How much do you think that costs? Three. It's my go to ask first. No, I think it's mine, actually, because you did the singles first, didn't you? So I...

Ignore that number I just said. I'm going to say, because it's outside of London, and if it was inside London, that would be a fiver, I reckon. Easily. But outside of London, I'm thinking like £2.50.

I think £3.50. Okay. Well, I'm going to put £2.50. I think £3.50. Okay. Well, I'm going to put £2.50. I've calmed down a lot because trapdoors brought me great sucker. Oh, I haven't said what I thought the singles were. Oh, I thought you wrote it down. What did I think? I said £3.

£3 on the nose, you said for that. And the flexi, what did I say? £75. Mate, you fucking made a big deal. You're bringing me anger up again. I'm sorry. You're bringing it up. That's it. Will you be able to read that?'re bringing me anger up again. I'm sorry. You're bringing it up. That's it.

Will you be able to read that? Yes. Now I have to put the board game. So I think 350 for the board game. 350 he's saying for the board game. I'm going to say 325. And with that, I am now closing the door

on the price of shite items tonight. Let's go over to the future and see who won. Ooh. Here we are in the future. Here we are in the future. And we are here and we now have the information. Yes, it is Thursday.

As we record this, we've had an adventure since then, haven't we, in Rendlesham Forest, which you'll hear all about next week. Oh, it was a real adventure. It was a real adventure with exciting incidents. We can't wait to share the expose of Mr Biffo's clumsfuckery. Clumsfuckery? Clumsfuckery. Shall we start this bit again?

Why? I want to mention Rendlesham. You fucked it already. Fuck off. I was talking about Rendlesham. I'm dangling a lantern so people come back next week. You're dangling a lantern? Is that something?

Dangling? I thought you put a lantern on it. You don't dangle a lantern. If you're going to do it, put a dangle on it. If you want to do it, it'll put a flannel on it. Wow. Okay. Paul is looser than he was during the main body of the podcast.

I'm almost baggy. Give me the betweens, baby. So it was my fault. I couldn't find the answers, but Tom emailed me the correct points. They actually got lost somewhere. I don't know where the fuck I saw them.

You left them on the tube like a Tory junior minister. No, I didn't leave it on like a Tory junior minister. Like a Tory... Do you want to do any more mid-90s fucking references to political intrigue? Extreme Doritos. Doesn't help.

Right. I love them. Here we go. We're going to start. I think it's as the list says. Yes, we're going to go by the list order. As the list. As the list.

So, six singles. This is the one I gambled on. Is it? I remember. So if I guess it is, I've written it down here. If I get exactly right, I get four per twings for this. Yeah. So.

This is the big one. So, you said what? Three pounds for six. I said three pound fifty. The answer was... Three pounds. Eli wins the gamble. Fucking hell yes

that is so excellent all four per twings I don't get any per twings there so three for you four for well well played Mr Silverman you put your money on the right card

and the card came up fucking four per twings four per twings love it exciting stuff love it I knew which one to gamble on the one I had most knowledge on

yeah you know that's yeah yeah yeah savvy bet savvy man yeah right so next is the flexi yeah pass the pen please thank you so you said what for the flexi i said 75 pence i said 50 pence um the answer is for the flexi for the flexi is pence. I get two for Twings for that. And I get one. Just the one, so... Well played, Mr Silverman. But two for me. Yeah, good. Nice on the nose there.

Nice. We're not slacking so far, are we? Yeah, lots of it for Twings, mate. This is more than I've probably scored already in the last two editions. Next on the board is the four books. You said what? For the four books, I said three pounds.

I said two pounds. The answer was one pound or 25p each. So no betwings there. Were those those annuals? Yeah, the annuals. That seems quite a good price for those. And they were in good condition.

Very good, Nick. Very good condition. So, you know, not too bad. Those were a real bargain. Right, next were the sound buttons. Right? Oh, no, sorry. No, it's the board game.

Right, the trapdoor board game. Beautiful piece. Lovely. We both loved it. Maybe not the most exciting game. Right? Okay. Oh no, sorry, no. It's the board game. Right, the trapdoor board game. Beautiful piece. Lovely, we both loved it. Maybe not the most exciting game. It's not, it's a terrible game. But for what it is. In terms of nostalgia and artwork. Oh yeah, lovely.

Lovely. Lovely. So you said what for the board game? I said £3.25, trying to hedge my bets, trying to poach a little between for the 25 either way. Yeah, I said £2.50.

Surprisingly, the price, he says, for trapdoor was £1. Oh, you'd love to see it, wouldn't you, Paul? You'd love to be in there in his shoes and have walked into that charity shop. I would have. And gone, a quid? I would have Mount Vesuvius'd my cock off

with that exciting deal. Because I've seen it on eBay. You would have Vesuvius'd your cock off. Mount Vesuvius'd my cock off. Mount Vesuvius'd my cock off. I would have completely Mount Etnid all over the desk. Hot magma. Yeah, hot magma.

Because I've seen that on eBay going for quite a lot of money. There'd be a pyroclastic flow. Hot garbage. You've seen it go for what? 20 plus? Like 10, 15, 20 quid because it's quite rare

and it pops up really it did have some wear on it that one it's not in great condition but I've seen worse going for more yeah

so no I mean that's a bargain in anyone's shoes one pound in anyone's shoes is a great bargain yeah so round of applause

for Tom for that in anyone's book as well yeah as well as their shoes next one is the puzzle game the snooker game er meh er mmm yeah game what did you say? I said £1.50 Paul

I said £1 proving yet again that London prices have ruined us the actual price of the snooker game was just 50p crazy

crazy we started off so strong that was a good nick that was a perfect nick yeah but you know it's a it's a crap game

so yeah get rid of it it's useless no one ever wants to play it again no no one's valuing that any higher yeah

right and finally terrible item to finish the sound buttons oh they were shit I bet I've overpriced them as well what did you say I said a quid I said

what did I say two sound buttons 150 they were actually him as well. What did you say? I said a quid. I said, what did I say? Two sound buttons. £1.50. They were actually £1. They were £50p each. Blow! Oh yeah!

Between, between! Do you get any there? No, I don't. Oh! My wingeth! They have never seen such a twinger! Such a twinger. Thank you. So at the end of that round, I can say I got three,

which ain't a stinker. But Eli, what have you walked away with today? Seven per twings. Seven per twings is a very strong. Very pleased. Don't call it the gamble option. Don't call it a comeback. We should incorporate the gambling option into future games.

It really adds something man it's another level of play because if you think you know do you see what I mean alright can we make it so that once we put all our scores down we can go through them

and say right if I'm going to gamble on one at all do it after yeah rather than do it in the moment to the gamble option after we've guessed the prices

yeah love it wonderful so congratulations Mr Silverman thank you very much. Well played. Let's go back in time now to a week ago and wrap this baby up. Okay. Goodbye.

Back to the future. The past. And that's it. Now, right now, I don't know who won. Did you win? I'm going to say congratulations, Eli, for winning on the off chance you won. Thanks, Paul. It doesn't happen very often, but I went out there.

I tried to get some betwings. And you did amazingly well. In this game, it's all about getting more betwings. It's all about the betwings. What's the thing? The thing's the betwing. The thing is the betwing, and I'm just so glad to have won. I just want to thank everyone who's helped me get here.

And thank you. Well played. Well played. Now let's do the opposite. Paul, I lost again. You're a cunt. You cheated. I hate you.

And fucking making shit up. Fucking I didn't really lose. You're not my real daddy. You're not my real daddy. And now we've wrapped it all up together. And that's Cheap Show for this that's Cheap Show for this week Cheap Show for this week if you want to email us about anything you fancy to have in the show

email us thecheapshow at gmail.com if you want to see any pictures, videos or whatever happens in this podcast visually you can go to see pictures for that episode on thecheapshow.co.uk website every episode has a dedicated page to it, also on the websiteapShow.co.uk website. Every episode has a dedicated page to it.

Also on the website, you can see things like the links to our latest digitizer video we do with Mr. Biffo, or the merch page, Tony's merch page, our own official logo merch page. We've got the events official Cheap Show unofficial magazine. You can buy physical copies there and links to all sorts of lovely stuff. It's a one-stop shop. What else? Oh, yes. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you'd like to help this podcast financially love it i'll do stuff with my face give if you can but only if you can i'll scratch it right around yeah there's access to podcasts and videos and magazines and extras and behind the scenes stuff and all sorts of lovely garbage

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review us on all these apps and stuff like Apple and Spotify whatever do that and we're on Twitter at the Cheap Show Pod I'm at Paul Gannon Show

and Eli is oh I've forgotten Paul I think I'm going to have to ask Poindexter Poindexter what's my what's my my Twitter handle? He's been talking to me.

Oh, no, I won't do that to you. I know you love it, Poindexter. I know. I know. Fuck it, this is tiring. No, just tell me the Twitter. Oh, I, you little flirt, you Poindexter. Just tell me.

It's Eli Snoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Wanker. S-N-O-I-D. Wanker. Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. I'm going to talk over you, sir. Every time you say it, no one knows what you're handling. Fuck you.

Wanker. Poindexter loves me. Poindexter is in a very tricky situation and he fears for his life. He's waiting because he's meant to be protecting the betwings. I think you owe him an apology. I'm not apologising. Apologise to Poindexter. To your wank sponge.

He's not my... Shh. I'm covering his ears. Don't cover his ears. Don't say that. Jesus wept. Right. Is there anything else we need to mention?

I don't need to. No, that's fucking... We're done. Bye, everyone. Bye, everyone. Bye, everyone.