CheapShow - Ep 237: The Rendlesham Forest Deception!

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

It's another epic CheapShow adventure, and this week, Paul & Eli are facing the unknown as they investigate the mysterious Rendlesham Forest in Suffolk, UK. In December 1980, two American soldiers based at an US Air Base saw a UFO land in the Forest and their story became one of the most fascinating tales of extra-terrestrial contact in history. in 2021, Paul and Eli join Digitiser's Mr Biffo, Sanya and special guests Ryan Livermore (Barshens) and "Ashens" himself Stuart Ashen in a hunt into the unknown! However, the Cheap Chaps are also out to expose Biffo for the fraud that he is whilst Paul has his own nefarious reason for the trip! What will it be? Has everyone lost their mind? Who is Viv Sparklefish? In fact, who is ANYONE this week? It's a journey you won't want to miss! You should maybe try though, as it may addle your mind! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-237-rendlesham-forest-deception And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With @mrbiffo @charmfairy8 @ryan_livermore @ashens Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, listeners. It's another Cheap Joe Out and About episode, and this week we're in... Well, where are we? Rendlesham Forest, but whereabouts? We are by a large yellow goalpost. That helps no-one, because that's just a random feature in a car park.

Well, there's trees, there's a car park. What else do you want? And once, twice, three times as hairy. Right, OK, so you've worked that in twice now for no fucking reason. And now, look, the reason we're here today is we're filming another supernatural, extraterrestrial world with Mr Biffo for Digitiser, but he's setting things up. What did he ask you to do, be an alien abductee or something?

I meant to say I've been abducted and I'm going to use this horrible shaving rash I've got to say that was an radiation burn from a grey with a big probe. So in amongst our wanderings and findings, we're also going to try and get Biffo to reveal that

this is all a massive con and he's a fucking charlatan. A snake or man? That's our plan anyway. And he's roped Stuart Ashen and Ryan into this fucking disgusting shit fest. But we're here to report

on the truth and that's our job today. Do you know what? I've had a growth spurt and I'm once and twice. Stop saying once, twice, three times a hair. I don't know what the fucking reference is. It's Lionel Richie. He never sang once, twice, three times a hairy.

Times as hairy. But you're not, and you won't. Imagine that she didn't have great personal hygiene, then she'd be once, twice, or didn't look after that sort of stuff. Three times as hairy. What's a stinky vag got to do with Lionel Richie now? What's a stinky vag got to do with aliens? Nothing.

Everyone's looking at us now because I said stinky vag loud. I haven't seen you guys for like over a year and the first thing I hear is Eli shouting stinky vag. I didn't say stinky vag. I didn't, but now he thinks you did and that's the important part. He's got me, Eli. He's done the reversal. I didn't, but now he thinks you did, and that's the important part. He's got me, he's got me, Eli. He's done the reversal. Once, twice, three times as hairy.

And I brought up then the stinky vagina motif, which has unfortunately stuck, but now been labelled to Eli Silverman. Anyway. Yeah, what are we here for today, Mr Biffo? We're going to look for evidence of alien life, Paul. Why here?

Why here? Because this is Rendlesham Forest, the site of the world's most famous, second most famous UFO sighting. First most documented. What's the most famous? You keep saying that. It's true. Okay, because it had a bit of a recording.

Is this the most famous British one? Yes. Yeah, but what makes it interesting is that the number of people who saw it were around 100. This is for synchronicity. This is where the aliens operate. They're from reality control and they send in synchronicities. This is pointing the way.

They're just wearing hats by the same company. It's synchronicity, which is meaningful coincidences which the aliens use. So that's what we're doing today on Cheap Show. Fuck off, I'm doing the intro. I've had enough of your fucking input. Don't prod me with equipment. I've had enough of that when I was probed by aliens.

Now, I bet you there's some kind of synchronicity with Lionel Richie comes up. Fuck off, if Lionel Richie popped up in the woods and says once, twice, three times a hairy vag or whatever it is you said. I didn't say vag. I don't say vag. Are we setting off? Yes. You finished about vaggies.

Ryan, do you want to say something and get involved in this shit first? Not really. Wise man. Alright, let's begin. Oh, and Sanya. Hello. Introduce yourself. Hi, I'm Sanya. Are you filming? Yeah. Oh, he's filming me filming you. I don't know. You're filming there.

Get everything, get all the gants. Pantomime. Yeah. Oh, pantomime. I'd like to get them in action. I said we should do an intro there. Come on, everyone. Let's film this fucking episode. Thank you. Eli's having a piss, so I'm going to go record this.

It's the first... Spooky. Spooky. Where are you going? I'm going to have a piss. Shut up. Stop fooling me. Eli's having you going? I'm going to have a piss, shut up! Stop fooling me!

Eli's having a piss, I'm sorry. I'm doing the intro! Sorry? Eli, can you have a quiet piss? Very quietly. Very quietly. This is serious. Hello, and welcome to Diffy's Supernatural World. We're here... Biffo's recording his introduction for the video. It's probably not very good.

And Eli's having a piss. And I'm filming on the camera over there. I'm going to have a pee now. How about that? What? Do you want to hold something? No, it's alright. I'm going to... I'm going to go pee over here. Everyone's peeing, I'm peeing. I'm gonna pee over here. You watch. Ah. Phew.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, drip, drip. Right. I've had a pee now. Now. I've had a pee now. Now that I've had a pee, I can explain what's going on. And it's basically this. In 1980, I think it was, in Vendleton Forest in East Anglia, there was, near December, there was a sighting of a UFO by two American soldiers, Burroughs Penniston I think it was, and they saw an

alien ship one night in these very woods in Rendlesham and then a few nights later more men from the army base heard and saw sounds and it was recorded by a General Holt, I'm pretty sure I'm getting the details wrong right now but by all means do your own research and so over those two nights they recorded all this footage and information and uh one of the most documented ufo sightings ever it's not as famous as roswell but it had an impact so we're just standing in the woods now it's quiet it's quite spooky woods but uh i've had a piss now, so we're off. I'm going to join them now. Oh, he's filming a bit.

Right. So he's done his shitty intro, and now we're all playing along with the charade, and we're going to the East Gate, where one of the initial sightings was by, I believe, Penniston. And his friend Penniston lost time and touched the spacecraft himself. He's described it like a glass sensation, but with etchings on. Yeah.

See, I don't have to write stuff down, Mr. Biffo, because I remember it with me brain. Oh, he's talking. You've got your little fact sheet, your laminated splash sheet. All right. What's your first fact? At least my facts aren't going to get blurred, are they? What do you mean, blurred?

Well, if they get rained on, they're not going to smudge. I thought you meant, like, censored. Like, who's going to come out here with a pen and start crossing stuff off? Well, that would be wipeable. All right, give us a fact. A fact? Yeah.

On the morning of the 20th, no, 20, what? Nothing, not against me. Good.

Hey, hey. Hey, what? No, fuck you. Fuck off. Right,

I want a fact. On the morning of the 26th of December, 1980, approximately 3am, two United States Air Force security police patrolmen saw unusual lights outside the Blackgate,

RAF, Batgate, not Blackgate, thatman saw unusual lights outside the Blackgate RAF... Batgate, not Blackgate. That's in... That's the Black Lodge. The Black Lodge. The Blackgate Prison. Is that right? Oh, from Batman.

That's not what we're here for. Isn't it? They thought an aircraft might have crashed, but then some other stuff happened. Yeah, that was Burrows and Peniston, I believe, were the two guys. And that report's by Holt. That form that you're holding there was sent out to the British government to go, that kind of happened, what do you think you want to do about it?

And it came four weeks too late, so the British government were like, well, we don't care. What? I thought you were the sceptic. A sceptic must know his facts. Therefore, he'll be able to challenge you on your whimsies. I have a question. Yes.

Will there be any metal that you tear in half and goes magically together again? Well, it might be. Might be. You're going to find it. I've also got here an FM radio thing. There you go. And I'm going to try and detect for any alien signals that may still be here. Because there is a belief that there are tunnels beneath Rendlesham Forest.

If we go further up here, we may see the hatches. This is one of the theories that when the base was closed down, they went beneath the ground. But you know why these bases are here? What the hell are the yellow things are? It's like there's an office on this side and then there's an office on that side and they might want to send a memo. Oh, like a...

It's such a tube, yeah. I've never seen any of's this tunnel stuff pretty bad i didn't want to put my foot in the hole and it was damp i don't know if that helps but was it like a mole hole or was it a deep i believe it was a hole a man had done to do poo oh i see did you thread on anything yes the shoe had to be destroyed well a human poo like a sloth it's very difficult to tell isn't it? Ow. Sloths come down from the trees and then dig a little hole for their poo, don't they?

I've not seen any sloths yet. Don't think it's going to be a sloth. What's your name, ovipositor? I can't just... Ovi... Ovi... So you've given yourself a name after a lady sex toy? It's not.

It's a part of an insect. It's an insect? Yeah, but... Oh, the alarm's gone off. Run, run, run, run! The reason why these bases... the reason why that might go off, right, is because these were meant to be built as a nuclear deterrent to Russia during the Cold War and so they believed that these bases were built to store American nuclear weapons in case Russia fired and they could attack from these locations that's one of the reasons that the beliefs behind these bases this is RAF Woodbridge here yeah it is now here Sanya RAF Woodbridge is here on our right my right these gentlemen I can't remember your names. Fifi, just call me Fifi. Why is he called Fifi now? He was Fifi Ovidpositor. Is that you? Yeah of course you came up with that.

This gentleman here is Mesha Schmidt something. That one there is, I can't even remember you Why do you have fake names? I don't know, it just started that way. And you let them carry on? I just said we don't know each other. Fifi Ovid Positor. Fifi Love Egg Sex Toy Lady. It's not a sex toy. That's what you were talking about. You wouldn't stop talking about these sex toys that you get. They're like dildos and you fill them with plastic eggs.

This is not what we're here for. And then the lady puts them up them and then queefs the eggs out. That's part of the romantic practice. I'm looking for answers. And he's been obsessed with it the whole journey. Senor! Don't film mental... I don't want that to be real, but I think it is.

No, it is real. You can look it up. We did. I had to. I'm going to do it now. Look up ovipositor sex toy and there'll be an article from the Metro... Metro. A Metroid. A Metroid. Samus tried it out and gave a review.

OVPositor sex toy. There's an article in the Metro where a woman tested them out. And you get little sachets to make a gelatin egg sack thing to squirt up there as well. And there's a big Reddit page on it. There's one for each flavour. There's a big Reddit page all about it. Lots of people saying, do you do it? What's your favourite?

You can get sex toys that lay alien eggs inside you. So obviously we... What are they? Tried them out. Yeah, probably. We tried it. And the picture's a little xenomorph. Yeah, that's them.

Yeah. Yeah. Ooh. They're like love eggs that you squirt up with a kind of alien proboscis and she reviewed them. This looks so... oh! That looks so... I'm going to order six. See if Stuart will review that on his channel. See, Eli, we found your love egg sex toy. We did.

So now we know your perversions. Sexy volcanoes. Just call me Maguire, OK? Oh, is that them? Yeah, look. Oh, look at those filthy ovipositors. Are you actually looking at ovipositors? Yeah, to prove they existed so I don't come across like a...

Yeah, I think that's the gate down there. They look like something that would come in here. Are they going in the cave at the start? Do not want. Unless they're limited edition H.A. Giger ones, in which case you go, H.A.? H.R.? H.A. Giger was his brother. Please keep these things away from me, old man.

Don't take his jobs. You do not want to look after my haunted skull. Reddit was, unsurprisingly, an absolute goldmine of alien fetishism. I went through those in the car. When you're in a traffic jam, you'll read anything. And I did. Better than the ingredients on the pack of Haribo's.

Well, they say they come in little gelatin pouches that you mix up and you fill them up. And you know what? We have covered the... If you want to know more, go to Reddit and look up OV Positor. The rest is up to you. I'm done talking about sex eggs.

I'm not. The next few hours are going to be me monologuing about sex eggs. Yeah. I just don't think Biff is going to take this alien hunting seriously today. What gives you that impression? For the last half an hour,

I thought you'd met him. What have you possibly seen that could make you think that way? I don't know. The fact that he's dressed like my dad when he went fishing. Is there an alien hunting costume? He does look like the guy who gets killed first in Jurassic Park. Oh, he does. Like the second one where they're on the island and Julianne Moore was like, Oh, look at my lucky bag. Oh, did you see the trailer for Dominion?

No. There's an IMAX-y trailer floating about. Fucking brilliant. Did you like Fallen Kingdom? I did. I did. I actually enjoyed Fallen Kingdom. Did you actually?

In the sense that I've never seen all of this in a Jurassic Park film before. Therefore, it gets a pass because it's not just people running around in an empty park. Yeah, but also every character's a fucking idiot. Yeah, that's true, though. But that's been true since the second one. Yeah, it's been true most running around in an empty park. Yeah, but also every character's a fucking idiot. Yeah, that's true, though. But that's been true since the second one. Yeah, it's been true most of them, really. There's dinosaurs and clones like me, so I will let them out to eat everywhere.

Thank you, small child, for your logic. You see, I thought what they would have done is had the bad guy do it at the end in his dying breath. You know? Or they get out of their own accord. Yeah, but then... I just don't want to talk about it. Well, don't worry,

because all the original cast are back in the new one, which means they'll attempt to make you feel like you're watching the first film again. I don't think it'll happen, like a raptor's going to tear out Sam Neill's catheter or something. I don't see... I don't know what the point is. Apparently there are two stories,

one with Chris Pine and whatever doing their thing, and then one with the original trio doing their thing, and they meet halfway through. It's like Shaun the Dead. Yeah. Cross over in the middle. We're going to go to Isla Nubla and wait for this all to blow over. Probably the best place for the franchise to go.

And on that, we end Cheap Show Movie Review for this week, but join us next time. We'll be looking at the film Necronomicos. They try and say it didn't happen. They try and make it jokey. They're trying to say that my radiation burn off a grey with a big hot probe isn't real. But look, disclaimer, the content and views expressed in this leaflet.

What leaflet? This is a wooden sign. It's not a leaflet. A leaflet. Simulated. Lies. Simulated leaflet. Lazy.

You don't need to close up on that. Someone copied this. Didn't speak English. So this is the East Gate Messerschmitt have you been here before yes absolutely I lived by this gate for three months by the gate yeah you were never moved on no they can't see you there because of the ferns oh you in the ferns this is where in the early hours of Boxing Day 1980 that what his name Paul? Peniston?

Which one? Well the fellas that saw it Well there were two nights Different things happened on different nights I know that, I haven't got to the other nights yet Yeah it was Peniston and I think Burrows Right I can never remember the second guy's name

But obviously for reasons I do remember Peniston Peniston Well yeah we all remember him Right yeah, Sergeant Jim Peniston. Well yeah, we all remember him. Sergeant Jim Peniston. Yes, a great man. Finally it has happened to me, one more time. One of the servicemen, Sergeant Jim Peniston, later claimed he encountered a craft of unknown origin when he went into the forest to investigate the lights. Is that from the News of the World, that article?

No. The Sun? Wikipedia. That news page? That page is yes. Yeah which is mostly fake. No it's not. Yes it is. Have you heard of the Rendlesham Code? No. If you take all the official documents released, take all the words, put them in alphabetical order, take some of the words away, add some other words, it makes no sense. That really makes you think. No one's taking this seriously. I want this to be a really good documentary. No one's taking it seriously. You're not, you're not.

No, Eli's the only one. Eli will. What do you mean getting paid? I've never heard about this paying business. Covering the car parking. Oh right, okay, that's fine. But I live here. Right. Yes, you live here. Let's go and look at the East Gate. Let's go look at the East Gate. I'm going to read a bit more. Christmas 1980 was a time where the UFO sightings joined a period of extreme military and political sensitivity owing to the Cold War. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So you are here at the East Gate. I'm going to take a picture of that. And then usual lights seen there. So that's by the car park. And then viewpoint a lighthouse so oh we should actually take a picture of this hang on i'm gonna take a picture this might be fucking useful right i've taken a picture so we're at the east gate takes one and a half hours to walk around it but i don't know where the path is east gate i mean i presume that's the main one down

there there's a walk not having a show without me swear to god two minutes and he's climbing a tree what are you doing up a tree you're up a tree when we went to Winnie the Pooh's house I like being up a tree and my name is Fifi all right well there you go if you don't give him attention, he won't climb trees. Yeah, don't... Okay, well, look at the East Gate, please. What are you looking at the East Gate? Why are we looking at the East Gate?

Yes. Nothing happened on the gate. No, it didn't happen at the gate. I took a picture of the map on the wall, by the way, so it has a route of when things happened in what order. What's that got to do with it? Well, I don't know. Narrative? Well, you're doing the narrative. This way so it has a route of when things happened in what order i don't know narrative this is where it began isn't it there where the aliens live no okay yeah that's it it's a little

alien this is the former former us base air base this heart this gate wasn't actually here originally now owned by the uh us or british army uh that hut was the the only entrance and that's from there that they saw the lights descend over in that direction now eucalyptus what was your name do you even remember why has everyone got fake names i don't understand this conceit. Demi Lucas. Have you got anything to say about that? Yeah, I've got a fake name. My fake name is... It won't be good. This won't be good.

Hang on. No. Montgomery Falafel. No, no, terrible. What do you mean? Fifi. What about this? Respider Mont Blanc.

Respider Mont Blanc. Making pictures with words. We've travelled, right? We've sat in traffic for like two hours. Looking at sex eggs. Yeah, looking up bloody ovipositors. We've got... Ryan, no, what's your...

Devon. Devon Mucus. I've got a point. No, he's going to have something to say. Do you have anything to say about the East Gate or what Peniston saw here? I mean, no, not really. What do you want anything to say about the east gate or what peniston saw here i mean no not really what do you want to say your life perhaps peniston came here and went finally it's i said that i did that already no i've seen an alien like that no it doesn't made it any better in

fact i can say considerably worse how how presumably it was a light from a lighthouse this sort of this is this is this is what one of the this is what the sceptics believe but when you actually

listen to the eyewitness I should take these off it's not sunny and you look like I don't know a serial killer as well when you've got the shades on

you look like a serial killer all the time well you look like a serial killer this is what you look like that either a serial killer or a fucking well you look like a serial killer. This is what you look like. That. Either a serial killer or a fucking...

Well, you look like Captain Trump the bin man. Better. All right. He's better than I thought he said he was. Well, all right. He's better. Yeah, if you listen to the actual eyewitness reports, what they saw could not have been lights from the lighthouse.

The Orford Nest lighthouse. That was the cover-up okay uh because it was red lights and it set off the animals screaming the light shot across the sky and then of course several servicemen trekked into the woods and actually encountered the ship it's on a second night during a Christmas party yes when they were mostly drunk. He said it's back. Yeah. It's back. It came back the second night.

Like Terminator. Yeah. And the ship which landed on a tripod had hieroglyphics on the side. That's from the first night. Right. What are you doing? I'm just making sure your facts are correct. You're just echoing what I'm saying.

I'm not just echoing what you're saying. Interesting coincidence, you say they were drunk and you know who else was drunk. The Secret Service detail entrusted to look after JFK. That's true.

We're not here for that one. In fact, JFK was shot by one of his own protectors, Secret Service men, by accident. Look,

I have another fact. Yes? About the UFO the Rendlesham incident yeah the clean and not tripod there were three indentations on the ground and when they measured it for radiation they're very high levels in the holes and they used the wrong equipment for that measurement and they were far too sensitive yeah oh it's not very good it's not very good it could be Have you been looking up some stuff as well for your badge? Yeah, I have. I've got a photo. Oh. I know it's not very good. It's not very good.

It could be a picture of anything. There's a photograph you may not have seen before. There was a photograph of a creature taken by the serviceman, which has never been released to the public. But I have a photo of it here. He's got the photograph here. This is an exclusive. That's not... Is that James Caan?

He is known as... Is that James Caan? is known as is that James Kahn nobody knows it's a creature we refer to as think and that is all

we know of him no one's taking this seriously I don't want to unduly worry everyone but have you noticed we're being

dive bombed by swifts must be something to do with the aliens look at the swift going can we get a

close up of the hut please do you think there's like a security up of the hut please, Samuel? Do you think there's like a security camera of like an army base somewhere looking at us and going, should we approach them? Nah, they'll peter out. They're the usual kind, you come here, just leave them. Armed guards can stand down. Somebody's cut their way through it and they're supposed to be repaired.

Oh yeah, someone has done a shitty job. Do you think something's tried to escape or get in? Neither. It's a what? It's a rubber band. This isn't rubber band this is just ribbonage. No one cares. Me and Devin were just saying, Ryan, we were just saying. Can we have the real names on Cheap Show and the stupidity for digitising.vin were just saying, Ryan, we were just saying... Can we have the real names on Cheap Show? And the stupidity for digitising. Ryan was just saying, this is what caused me to do a little climb, is you could get over there really easily, but no one gives a crap if you get in. There's nothing in there, right?

Not really. There's what? There might be some mines and stuff. Well, that's why you probably wouldn't want to climb in willy-nilly. You don't want to jump on a mine, do you? I like these MAD posts, those are kind of cool. Shall we have one? Can we get one out the ground? I'll take a photo of that. Shall I take some photos? Yeah, take a few photographs. It's a very blustery day here today on Rendlesham Forest. Grey skies. A bit of a pitter-patter of rain. A bit of The pitter pitter patter of rain.

But nothing too egregious. Some youth has tagged it. As youths do. But right now I think we're going to go back down the way we came. Past the shark gate. And onwards to the path towards the second sighting I believe. You're not doing a D.O.B. Is it Duke of Edinburgh award, this?

No, he's not. He told me it was a Scouts badge thing. I'm Gavin Mucous, and I'm doing this for my D of E award. Yeah. And my ultimate goal is to surpass it by finding alien technology that will resurrect Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, Palpatine-style, like in The Rise of Skywalker.

And it still wouldn't be as far-fetched as that. The Dead Speak. Oh, good. When are you going to reveal that? In a free piece of Fortnite footage you stick on the internet? That's how good your narrative is. It's the greatest bits of marketing I've ever seen in my life. Everyone's like, he's back, where do we find out more?

Have you got Fortnite? No. Like you. But if you wait an hour and 10 minutes you'll see him in the film and we'll just hand wave it at that point i don't like to speak ill of other people's work because people put a lot of effort into it but i saw the opening crawl and just checked out straight away it's like the dead speak okay here we go i'm in. Anyway, three out of ten stars, and we'll see you next time on Cheap Show Reviews. Until then. Just give us a review of some of our movies this whole war. Yeah, it's not the worst gimmick. God knows I was hungover some of the time as well.

Hungover some? Or most? You were definitely the only one. What was it like working with Eli on a film shoot, him turning up late and drunk? No, he was not late. No, he was up late and drunk? No, he was not late. No, he was never late. Thank you.

But he was never drunk. Sometimes I've been working the night... Fuck off, Paul! Let's turn this into this. Let's not turn this into this. What? Can we turn this into that? The Cheap Show fans want to know about your unprofessional behaviour

on a professional film set? Are we going to have to make up stories to suit your audience? Is that what this is about? No, our audience know how sad we are. There's no sugarcoating that. Let me ask you this, Paul. Would someone who's unprofessional as a performer be asked

to portray notorious Kiss and Bon Jovi manager Doc McGee in a made for the American Market documentary series for fucking sub-equity rates. Yes, that's exactly who they'd hire. That's what I was doing this week. Exactly.

Ooh, very nice. Except for the sub-equity rates, because that's not so good. And no lunch. Oh, what? Because of COVID. No travel. That's just excuses Oh, what? Because of COVID. No travel. That's just excuses.

I was in Ministry of Sound. There's nowhere to sit down. And they called me at 8.30 in the morning. And I wasn't on until 1.30. Ooh. You know what I mean? Yeah. We do that a lot, so I'm not saying anything.

But the rest of it sounds bad. Oh. It's an easy gig. But the money's's terrible and you don't get food. But apart from that, yeah, top stuff. And you've got to pretend to be Bon Jovi's manager. The first one I self-taped for was Paul Simon. And they give you a scenario that you have to sort of act out for the self-tape, don't they? So it was Paul Simon being pissed off with Art Garfunkel because he'd made a movie and I was

literally just like what do I do how I don't look like Paul Sound I don't so I was just like Artie Artie I'm really pissed off with you for doing the movie and that's you were Tommy Wiseau exactly and so for this one I was like oh no it's one of these. I hate self-taping for these. And I thought, I'm just going to do one take and fucking just take the piss. And they were like, we're really interested in Eli. They've got the level, you know what I mean, that they're into. When you try too hard for it, they don't want you. And you go, oh, I'll just do whatever. We really like that. We really like how little you care.

Here's an audition. Oh, thank you. That's what they're looking for, people. They're lowest ebb, so they'll do it for fucking 250 quid a day. And they found the perfect person. Bloody self-tapes. You never really know what they're after, do you? This is the problem if you're not there with them. So, yeah, you do what you think, and then... Yeah, we didn't want that.

When you do, like, with those ones, it's like, do this whole scenario, which is a scene involving lots of other characters and like do you know what I mean I had one two or three months ago for a feature and

a self tape should kind of be like an interaction between two characters I had to like sit and react to a whole fucking court scene so my mum is like

reading five characters and I'm looking at my living room going you go over here you go over there it's fucking boring so what you're sitting there and your mother's saying and I stabbed looking at my living room going, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. So what, you're sitting there and your mother's saying, and I stabbed him seven times in the chest.

Now, my mum has a really strong Norfolk accent, so it was like, oh, there's a witch about, is there? Oh, watch out, there's another witch. It's not that bloody strong. It's bloody strong. Say ham rolled. Say that. See, that's the thing, though.

With an audition, you go in and if it's a bad audition everyone feels it everyone knows when a self tape lands on their desk they can just take the piss as long as they like and then chuck it right

into the trash can Oh we've lost them We should probably actually keep up with that because of them We're in Norwich on my second year at university

we had a Higham Road our residence was on and we got into a cab and the the driver turned around went say it and we said higham road he said say am road in a very intimidating way he said what see am say am road like say it right how would you say it in a nor norwich accent higham road say i am rude. I am rude. Say I am rude. I am rude. I say I am rude. I've just got to get into character.

What? You're Viv Sparklefish or whatever her name is. Fifi Ovi Positive. Do you know what? I'm going to say that my name is Fifi Silverfish now. Sparklefish. What was it? Fifi Sparklefish.

Viv Sparklefish. Viv Sparklefish. It's a single fucking thing. I've got my sceptic's name, Mr Biffo. No, you're not doing that. It's Viv Sparklefish? You can't remember a single fucking thing. I've got my skeptics name Mr Biffo. It's Viv Sparklefish. I've already introduced you as Paul Gannon. Paul Viv Sparklefish Gannon. Where's this UFO thing area? It's lost all hope already.

No one's taken it seriously. Super silly. You're acting silly. Just wanted it to be good that time. It's going to be fine. We're going to do some filming and we'll look at the UFO and we'll all have a lovely time. The jacket looks very useful. I have, I've got lots of things in it.

I've got bait. No, it's not a fishing jacket, it's my UFO hunting one. I've got this. What's. No, it's not a fishing jacket. It's my UFO hunting one. I've got this. What's that? It's a gimbal. A little gimbal camera. That's nice. I've got a microphone.

I've got these. I've got my phone in my trousers. No, I don't know where it is. There it is. Shall we go and have a look at this UFO? Yeah, let's go and look at the UFO, please. Do you like it? Come on, everyone.

Let's look at this UFO that's got Eli's name scratched in it. I also think I might have accidentally recorded myself taking a piss in the woods but everything stays in. Accidentally. Well I put it down on the ground and I just hadn't pressed stop. But now there's going to be lovely... You know what we all know? What?

I know it's unstated but I just want to make it stated. You wank off the recordings of yourself pissing in the woods. And all I'll say is that it'll remain unremarked. I'll say no more. Viv Sparklefish is a good name for something. Pissing in the woods and then getting off to it. He's done a Viv Sparklefish. Oh, look, he's Viv Sparklefishing all over the place.

That's good. right we're on the ufo trail now we're down from east gate and this little route takes us towards where the second sighting was uh and that's where people tend to believe that they got confused with the lighthouse, but probably not. Where is the lighthouse? How many miles away is the lighthouse? Like six miles that way, apparently. It's not credible.

But maybe there was some atmospheric conditions, Paul, like low cloud, which you could bounce off the light. You know, that sometimes happens, doesn't it, with UFO sightings? It does. It's light from far away, but because of particular atmospheric conditions, the light is sort of reflected further basically. It's all very possible I think there was some fog on the night but not a lot.

On the night it's all right all right fog of the time it's all mine fog in the sky causes UFOs. Well that's the thing. It seems like the things they saw were moving through the forest, not like on the horizon in the background. They weren't in the sky so much as sort of within the forest moving through it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that could be things like bull lightning, willow wisps,

that kind of stuff, couldn't it, as well? True. It could have even been ghosts they saw that night or fairy folk. Yes, fairy folk, folk yes because that's the interesting thing when you look at fairy um folk uh stories and you hear alien stories they're very similar you know like people going missing in the woods people seeing bright lights people losing time it's all stuff that comes from aliens yes but it's to do with fairies it's to do with the literature of fantasy that is predominant at the time because you only started to get ufos in

the 20th century when technology and spacecraft had become things that were real, do you see what I mean? Whereas back before it was all angels in the sky or fairies or do you see what I mean? Because they didn't have technological sort of equivalents that they could relate them to. No yeah it's around the time of you know like HG Wells and things like that creating all these new genres of storytelling uh that just seeped into the subconscious the populace it's a very nice path out here i like this forest it's kind of a sandy sandy underfoot kind of damp now but this is all this new because it all got blown down mr biffo just said it got blown down, Mr Biffo just said, it got blown down in the 87 hurricane. This whole forest. Yeah, because the lands are quite flat in Anglia. And is that why? Yes, they're very flat, yes.

So that's why it blew most of the trees down here. And then they've replanted it. So look, this is all new growth here on our left. They're very young trees, aren't they? Very young trees. Very young saplings and trees, yet very young. But these could be 40 years old, I think. Well, you've chosen conifers, which I think shoot up quite quickly. It's another interesting episode of Truth. It's fucking another interesting episode where we talk about tree types.

There's ferns. Well, give them back to her then. Ha ha ha ha. Mate, I'm trying to add something. What can you do with trees? Piss on them? You can wank on them. I wanked on one once. You could scratch your arse real good on them. Testing a theory. And the theory was, I can scratch my arse on a tree. Eli suggested they're a really good place to scratch your arse, so I decided to rub my buttocks

upon a tree to see if it had the tactile nature needed to scratch an itch and it did oh good very pleased for you where are we going now we're on the UFO trail we're following Ryan and Stuart but they're behind us well Ryan's slightly in front of us oh he is now yeah there you go there's a house little house there what's in there there's a little house that behind all those greens there's a house, little house there. What's in there? There's a little house behind all those greens. There's a little house or something. Shall we go and look at it? Let's go and have a little look at the secret house. It's a secret house. It's probably just a toilet.

Is this where, maybe this is the house where Messerschmitt lived? Yes, this is one of my many houses. I'll show you why I had to leave. Oh, we're now investigating a little tiny house on the UFO walk. Oh, why did we have to leave? Drugs? Oh, mystery house. Mystery house on the route.

Someone's taking a poo in there, I know it. Oh. Oh, I don't like it, it's scary. Eli's having a look. I'm going to put this... Oh, it's very dark in there. Can you get in there? Uh-oh. There's a problem with the camera. There's a lens in there. I know, but then I can't get the light in.

Undo one of those lights, I'll hold it. Yeah, you hold the light. Here we go. Quick. Do you want to get in there and see what they're doing? We'll see if there's any alien corpses in there spider web I tell you what I'm gonna take this off the top so I can get it in don't drop it all right here we go is that a hatch? It's a hatch on the floor. What did I tell you?

It looks like a hatch. I told you. What is it? I bloody told you there was hatches. Is hatch opening a badge? Is that alien hieroglyphics on the wall? No, I think it's someone asking for a shag. This novel did not do well.

Mainly because I didn't print it on paper. I had to have people come in and read it and they hated it. I'm jealous of Ryan's ability to just look over door frames. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a big... I've been genetically modified. Yeah. To superhuman.

You're genetically modified to just be an average human size. Can you hear that? No. They locked you out of your own world. They locked out. And all my beanie babies gone. Down the hatch. How many did you lose? 37.

It's funny he says that because that is what the Grey said to me. Their main interest, two main interests. Shoe history and beanie babies. I fucking knew it. I don't think this is what I wanted from this. Do you know, two months after they took my beanie babies, they brought out an alien beanie baby. Tell me that's a coincidence. You're pushing me over.

Is it a happy toy? A Happy Meal toy? I'm going to fall. Messerschmitt, you're such a prude. One of my old toothpicks. Oh. Oh. I missed you. It's good that at least people have been dogging here with good oral hygiene. That's true.

I insisted on it. Before you touch my fanny with your lips, please floss your teeth and brought a pack. Right, well, there we go. We've been in there now, and Eli's stolen my lights. Off to the next location. Is there catering on this recording? No. We're probably going to go McDonald's.

It's a McDonald's day today. It's probably more likely. I had McDonald's delivered to my dad yesterday as my father's day gift. Do you want some food? We can have something delivered using this amazing new technology. I said, oh, I haven't had McDonald's for years.

All right, then. Yeah, he did. I can make that dream come true. You don't have it very often. It can be extremely enjoyable. This is what happens when you're 80. You fancy a quarter pounder. Oh, is that what he had? He did. And some chips. But he couldn't eat all the chips, because he's 80. Oh, that's a shame. What drink?

He had a coffee. It was a a white coffee but without any sugar If you want the Ashen's McDonald's meal special that's what you can get now Go in it's off menu ask for an old man Ashen Ask for an old man Ashen will get you into trouble I think It'll give you a perfectly normal quarter pounder meal Yeah with some chips missing. Completely unremarkable. You know how you get an old man ashen? What?

You tell him that his trousers are down and he gets ashen, you know. Do you want to work with that group over there, mate? Come on, off the top of my head, that wasn't the worst thing. No, it's true. At least it was a sentence as opposed to a collection of noises.

Ashen-faced is when you're embarrassed the colour goes from your isn't it not? Yeah it can be basically when the colours run from run from your face either with embarrassment or fright or yeah exactly so I went with like the more sort of positive just embarrassment. Great content everybody hashtag excellent Embarrassment. Great content, everybody. Hashtag excellent. Hashtag excellent.

We can do Derek again soon, can't we? We just discussed that the other day. Yeah, in our recent episode. So Tom sent me like eight cassettes. What? But they're not Derek stories. It's his life story. It's like he's recorded his whole life story onto cassette.

Oh, I see. And I've said to Tom, I don't have the time to digitise it and stuff, so how about I give them back to you? You do it, and then we'll deal with it then. But he has got a fourth story about a UFO, funnily enough. Oh, God. And he's just looking for it. The minute he can get it, we can meet up.

Is that the one that's much lower quality? They're all pretty poor quality at this point, unfortunately, which is a shame. I could put in a favour with the sound designer of the film. I know he does like a bit of cheap show. Until I get the audio and know what it's like. Because I think the plan is, the minute we can get it, we'll come to you. We'll come up to you and we can record it whenever then.

Ah, you'll come to me if now I feel important. Well, it's just, you know, you've come to us so many times before. In the past, I thought it would be only fair for Derek's final Yahoo that we come to me if now I feel important. Well, it's just, you know, you've come to us so many times before in the past, I thought it would be only fair for Derek's final Yahoo that we come to you. Well, we've certainly got somewhere to record, because there's a mostly soundproofed room in Digital Gaming's office, and they haven't been there for 18 months. That's a good point.

Yeah. Right, we're sorted then. So there's the plan. We are going to do Derek soon, and as soon as we get the audio... Yeah, we'll go up to Norwich. We'll have a grand day out. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? And we'll do an Ashton's video about noodles

because constantly I'll get emailed saying, why can't you go, Eli, to do a video about noodles? Probably because he has his own fucking life and I can't just ring him up and go, Eli, drop everything and we'll do a video about noodles for some reason. We'll do a video about noodles, yeah. I've got no idea what we'll do. I might have for some reason. We'll do a video about noodles, yeah. I've no idea what we'll do.

I might have some expired noodles. How's that? You might have some funny noodles, like hamburger flavour or something like that. Yeah? Yeah. Or noodle-themed merch, like noodle pencil cases or boxer shorts.

Yeah. There's scope, Eli. Better for a video. I like the Ashton's videos where he prepares something and jump cuts to like... Him being sick off camera. Him being prepared. Yep.

You know what, even though the day's not great, this is quite a nice walk. I'm enjoying this walk. It's a nice spot, definitely. Yeah. I'll tell you what I have got, instant microwave kebab. Oh god. Does it say that you should put the pita bread in the microwave? Yeah. I'll tell you what I have got. Instant microwave kebab. Oh, God. Does it say that you should put the pita bread in the microwave?

I believe it says you should put it in the oven. Or in the toaster, sorry. Yeah. Which is obviously what you should do. Well, a sane person wouldn't buy an instant microwave kebab. I don't know. I'd eat it. I'd enjoy it. That's no barometer of anything I quite like the rustlers special sauce that mimics

Big Mac sauce the one that kills me is the bloody pork chop thing with like the weird sweet barbecue sauce

that stuff's like crack I can't like I know that it's minced pigs eyelids nanuses but

you mean like a McRib yes yeah I love that that's minced pigs, eyelids, nanuses, but... Oh, you mean like a McRib? Yes. Yeah, I love that shit so much. Yes, ribs. That's it, yes. I forget it's supposed to be a rib, because it's nothing like a rib. It doesn't look like one. It doesn't have a bone in it, does it?

Exactly. Look, taste, smell, sound. Yeah, but it's like, oh, so salty, processed, good. Did you eat the rest of that tinned ham we got? I did have some more of it, yes. Yeah, of course you did. It wasn't even tinned. It was like...

Is it a foil-like cat food tin? It was in a cat food thing, yeah. It was cat food. It was probably high-grade cat food or low-grade human food. There's a weird margin in the middle. I was peckish. I had a few spoonfuls. And it's salty, so you go back for more, you know you hate it.

Oh, what's going on? Will, wait. What's going on? I feel like it wasn't this far, right? What do you mean, what's going on? Has it gone back? We're looking for the landing site. It goes right and then round there, isn't it? Oh, is it?

There was a map, I took a picture of the map at the thing to see where the... We're still on the UFO trail, the next... Oh! Finn, we scouted it out earlier. I took a picture of the map at the thing to see where the... We're still on the UFO trail. Oh. We scouted it out earlier. Oh, we had our scouts go out, did we? My character, Fifi Ovid Positor, was going to have to get stoned because he self-medicates. There's again a thin line between you and your character again.

What are you looking for? That's exactly the symbol. They used those on the spaceship when I was abducted and that's what they burnt my face with. I don't like it. Look at that. That was just in the ferns. Now do you believe? Well, no.

I found that in the ferns. No, you didn't. It was just in there. I can feel it. I've seen one of these before. Yeah. One night. Dear listener, just so you know, we are looking at a stupid resin pyramid...

It's not resin. ...that Biffo's found. It's not resin. It's probably resin. Touch it against your toe. What does Mr Mucous do? Touch it against your hands, it'll burn. Well, I'm touching it.

Is that mucus? Is that your namesake? Is that alien flob? Who are you asking? I have seen one of these before yeah it does look like snot so yeah it does look like some eggs could be eggs in there it's fucking eggs years ago i was woken in the middle of the night by a man he was standing over me as i woke and several small beads of that dropped out of his nose like that dried exactly like i have a photo of this dried on you did they drop onto you it was this man

it's not graham sooners it's not ian rush no it's an unknown man i know two footballers that's ian rush that's ian rush yeah ian rush is an alien Ian Rush is an alien. Who are they? Look, hey. Exactly. I can't believe you. We'll hold on to it now because I've run out of pockets. So Biffo just planted an awful pyramid in the ferns.

I didn't plant it. I found it. That is a neck probe. That's a neck burning. Do you not find it a bit weird that since he's picked it up it's started raining? Yes. Can't be a coincidence. There's going to be all sorts of syn? Yes. Can't be a coincidence.

There's going to be all sorts of synchronicities from reality control, mate. I'm putting that in my evidence bag. I thought you said it would burn his fingers and he's just picked it up. He's immune to it now. Yeah, I was the first one to touch it. So if I touched it, what would happen? It would burn you. Don't touch it!

If I touch it, this end, then your eyes. You're going to stab me in the eye, you fucker! Don't touch it. Don't do it! If I touch it, this end, then your eye... Well, yeah, if you... You're going to stab you in the eye, you fucker! Yeah, if you stab someone with a pyramid, yes. The faster it goes, the further it goes into the eye. I've seen that happen. So, we'll see if we see anything else along the way. Just watch it, or else you get stabbed by...

Why are you taking his side when you know this is all fucking bollocks? I don't know what we're doing now. Are we doing the digitiser video? I've caught you in the middle of the lie. What's going on? I'm talking to my the middle of the lie. What's going on? I'm talking to my co-host about the fraud that's going on. What fraud? The fraud of you planting bits of what can only be described as shit in the woods.

It was shit. Resin pyramid shit. Alien energy. What would an alien need a pyramid for? What's the significance of an alien pyramid? It might have dropped off of their... It's like a carburettor perhaps fell off their ship as it went over. So they've travelled millions of light years and then...

That would explain why it was hot when it burnt my... Yes. And then what, the carburettor falls off the UFO? Or it could be, remember my theory about the tunnels? Yes. Yes. One of them could have just come up and it fell out of his pocket. Right, or maybe if I check your eBay buying history,

you've bought a resin pyramid. It's not resin! Touch it! I can't touch it because it's too hot. I once met a carburetor. He went up to a Porsche and went, you're shit! The top bit's resin, the bottom bit's glass. What's going on?

He said, I... What was it? Do the one again because it was so good. No, come on, everyone's here now. It's not going to be as good now. It wasn't as good then. You were talking about that being a carburetor. Carburetor? He said a carburetor.

No one said carburetor. I met a carburetor once, and he went up to my Porsche and said, you're shit, why don't you do something with your life? Yeah, you know what? Don't support him. A carburetor. Don't, don't. It's not. I'm losing it, mate. I tell you.

Look, it looks like there's poison in this bottle. Is it actually National Egg Day? Yeah. Is it National Egg Day today? Apparently, yes. Are you fucking with me? Honestly, Paul, the synchronicity's going to ruin the derail us because the synchronicities are happening is it

actually national egg day don't check it you don't need to check it it's not actually we've been talking about eggs the whole car journey here I think sex eggs specifically sex eggs that come from a dildo proboscis. What is this residue? Don't drink it, that's all I know about it. We're looking at a brown puddle speckled with bits. It's just the dustings of the tree falling down. The dustings of the tree. It looks like some kind of vomit. Yeah, this is definitely a residue. This is not normal. I've never seen that in a forest before.

You've never seen a brown puddle in a forest before? No, what was that stuff on top? What do you make of that? This is a bad sign. Explain it. Well, it's this pollen. It's this pollen that's fallen into the... It's like an alien egg. Why is everyone being so fucking stupid today?

What's going on? What's that? There's something in there. No, there's nothing. Where is it? It's here. It's there. I found another one on the floor.

This is a very bad omen. You should never see more than one of those together. There's multiples. Don't let it touch the other one. No. I'll put it on the other side of my bag. Why are you turning this into the crystal maze where you just pick things up that look shiny

and then put it in your bag? Not any old thing, are they, Paul? Look at that. I've seen that. It's the same one that you put up in the field before. No, it's a different one. Is it? Well, then show me both those.

Show me two of them. Eli saw this one. show me two of them show me two of them show me show me the other one then so i can see both of them together too much power maybe they connect once they will burn everyone's neck can i just say i'm very disappointed with you all believing this nonsense i'm very upset. What they're doing, they're not believing. But it's like the rain as well. What's an alien got to do with some budget pyramids? Who is this man and why won't he be quiet?

Well, he's an idiot, a sceptic. Who built the pyramids in ancient Egypt? Slaves, lots of slaves. Lots of slaves did it with lots of big whips. That's how they built the pyramids in ancient Egypt? Slaves. Lots of slaves. Lots of slaves did it with lots of big whips. That's how they built the pyramids. You are a despicable gentleman. Actually, it was Tudor architects brought back in time. Have you ever noticed?

Right. You know what? Actually, I feel quite afraid right now, so I'm just going to walk away. Because this, this is cult speak. This is like... Tudor aliens. Just this one is cult speak this is like just this one shot alone makes it look like you're last of the summer alien hunters it's like

there's compo yeah they're gonna get some real hard evidence from your sex proboscis? No. What's it got to do with biscuits? Sex probiscis. Sex nobisco. It's a spin-off company. Yeah, sex biscuits. The ongoing farce of this bloody alien hunting is getting out of hand. Now I'm being set up as the villain of the piece. Putting grain sooners on me.

Fucking Eli's a suck up as well. Fucking, I want to be the most important part in this video. So anyway, we're just walking to the UFO site now. And hopefully we'll find some interesting things. Because I believe this is where the major sighting was a few nights later. But I've got a plan for Biffo. He's going to set a rocket up. And I'm going to do a little prank, which I hope they catch on video.

So yeah. I've got a naughty little little prank, which I hope they catch on video. So, yeah. I've got a naughty little prank. Don't you worry about it. Don't you worry about it. Hello. Why are you fucking sucking up to him with all this? Because we're trying to make a video, Paul. You know?

You're making me look like a fucking idiot. And he's fucking going about with fucking plastic pyramids that he's throwing in the grass. Quite an impressive prop, actually. But look, what do you want me to say to him? I'm not Fifi Ovid-posited. Do you want me to say that to him? What I don't want you to do is when I'm trying to out him as a fraud, I don't want you jumping on his side. Oh, right.

Sorry. What's the point of all this? This is an expose of Befo's pathetic behaviour. I'm getting him close. I'm taking him close. And then what? Oh, mate I'm getting him close. I'm taking him close. And then what? Oh mate, I'll show you. I forgot something. I've got to find the right pocket. I've got this. You know he's going to set the rocket off later, right? I'm going to give him a little explosive surprise. What's that? Bomb bag. You set this off and then it explodes. Within five seconds. But how do you do? You click it or something? You click it like one

of those hand warmers. Yeah. Don't get it wet because it might no so what he's going to do is he's going to launch it up and then once it up i'm going to snap it and throw it and it'll go bang right by his feet he'll think that some like he's lost an arm or something no i don't care i hope he just shits his pants actually like that baby in that video yeah and it just comes out like there's another hatch big prodder look there's another hatch in Look, there's another hatch. In an emergency. Ah, Trent Bevan. These are water hatches. No, they're water.

They're just fucking water. They're like basic sewage. Manholes. They're manhole covers. Manholes. Dog eggs. Manholes and dog eggs. Paul.

Yeah. Have you got anything to eat? No. Oh, God. We're miles away from the car. I know, I'm starving. Oh, there's a dog talking of doggies. I think we've encountered something.

A nice person walking their dog and having to put up with this chicanery. But, oh, I like that. I wish we could go around there. That'd be nice. Up in the... That'd be nice to have a nice joint, mate. I just want a smoky bing-bong.

We're sorted. Let's get to the UFO, mate. I just want a smoky bing bong. We're sorted. Let's get to the UFO. Yeah. I like this. All this lovely... It is a nice wood. This is a great wood. I'm not...

Lovely wood. The walk, the wood, delightful. Biffo's ravings about his fucking gadgets and his plastic resin pyramids and his fucking God knows what else he's going to do. That, I think, is beyond the pale. Well, this is quite sheltered, this bit. Yeah, I like this.

This is where you'd come for a nice smoky joe. But it all must have fallen down. I mean, there's bits of trees that look slightly older than... When was it? 87. So that's what, 30 years? 30 years is still enough time to grow a big old tree. Is it? Well, it must be. I mean, obviously not a huge tree, but...

And these are firs or whatever. They're evergreens. Yeah, I evergreens yeah i think that's part of the choice i've already said that god maybe i'm the most boring well no but to be honest mate once you've said we're in a wood here's a type of tree you've kind of done it you've kind of done all your business so ryan and stewart are off on their own thing. Oh, there's the UFO. Right, we're walking up to the UFO bit now. It looks like a helmet. It does, doesn't it? It looks like a big shiny helmet. A peep in the top.

The, uh... The, uh... Woods. So is this like the spot then? This is the spot. The literal spot where they did it. Oh, we should have a picture taken. You know what this reminds me of? What?

What's that film? Is it Night of the Comet where they build a sort of fake UFO on top of the actual site to sort of throw off? I don't know but that sounds familiar. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It does sound familiar. Right, I think it looks like a giant citrus zester. It does. I think even Stuart said his message looks like a paper plane zester. It does. I think even Stuart said his message looks like a paper plane. A paper hat, sorry. A paper boat.

Yeah. So here we are. We are now at the UFO site. What's this? Eli, what's happening? Look at that. I'm liking it, but it could just be this person, Amelia, and they forgot to put the M and the I in.

No. Because they were drunk. No. No. Eli. Eli? Who's Alan Nafficon? 2021, Amelia was... Yeah, so was Nina.

Yeah. What do you want me to talk to you? I don't care. I'm doing my behind-the-scenes podcast, which is out to expose you and this fucking disgusting lies. We're at the UFO and we're going to get baked. Yeah, we're going to get baked now. You're on your own, Biffo, me and Eli are going to get wrecked. I've got work to do.

What are you doing? I'm doing a piece to camera. Are you going to do your rocket now? Not yet, I haven't got the rockets at the car. For fuck's sake, I thought you were going to do your rocket here. In case it started a fire. Alright, fair enough. Respons responsibility is a fine thing. Oh there's markings on the side.

There's a marking here and a marking here, I mean I presume they're markings based off the drawings Peniston made in his notebook. Wow, is that a message to us from there did you know that peniston around this time randomly wrote a load of a binary like uh zero one zero zero one one one one channeling through and it was like 12 pages long and then when they finally uh looked into it it was places around the world of ufo sites so like a temple in inca, an Irish place that was like an Irish Atlantis, all these kind of things. I thought you were the sceptic there.

I'm just telling you the story, I'm not saying there's a fact behind it. You know a suspicious amount for a sceptic. Yeah. Well, because I do my research, and if you don't do your research, then it's just all fiddly, flobbily, bobbily. There's research and there's knowing every single thing about it. Well, there's research and being a genius. Well, there's research. And I am a genius.

There's research and there's having the given name Mucus. I think that's more impressive. Thank you. Not a real name. Fuck me. Not a real name. Jesus. Given name Mucus.

Devon Mucus. Devon as in the county. So, yes, I believe these are the markings as dictated by Penitent in his book when he touched the pyramid. You're the expert now. Fine. Fine.ent in his book when he touched the pyramid. You're the expert now, fine. Yeah, I am. I do the research. I've got lamination bits.

Let's hear some lamination. I bet you don't know about the Shug Monkey. The Shug Monkey? Yeah. Go on. You don't know about that? No, I like to learn.

Tell me all about the fucking Shug Monkey. There's other things that happened in this area. Yeah. Including the Shug Monkey. There's other things that happened in this area. Yeah. Including the Shug Monkey. Right. Is that a 90s indie band that I don't know of? In 1956.

Yeah. Sam Holland was taking a bracing January walk in Rendlesham Forest. 86? No, 56. Pay attention. Pay attention, man. And there in a thicket of trees was a beast that he had never seen. Yes.

Of trees. Of trees. Don't do this. Don't start this, you shit. He saw Wilson Pickett by the trees. It was a kind of bizarre British Bigfoot walking on four muscular legs, like a lion's legs, covered in thick... He's lying on someone's legs.

Thick and glossy black fur. Thick carrot's fur. Easily ten foot in length, Paul. Cheesy ten foot. And he struggled what it could be. He struggled with a cheesy ten foot and he didn't know what to do. He came known as the Shug Monkey. Yeah, I bet he did. Didn't they provide an image of the Shug Monkey? Yes. Let's see. That. What is it? Looks like a chupacabra. I got that off of DeviantArt. This is... It's a monkey. It's a shug monkey. But there's more.

Remember I was talking about the underground tunnels? Yeah. Well, get this. In the 12th century, the century abbot Ralph of Coggeschool, which is nearby somewhere, I don't know. This is weird. What's this?

It is cronium anglicanum anyway two children with green skin green skin appeared in the village a wall pit near berry st edmunds right they said they were their brother and sister they spoke an odd language that no one could understand it was probably english known the norfolk types it was just like whatever it was from paism from Paul. Yeah, I don't care. This man sickens me. Local racism. Good, Paul.

Yeah. National racism. So, they're green-skinned, but get this, they only ate beans. This is true. Is it Venus's parents? No, it's not Venus.

Well, not in the 12th century. Yeah, but who knows how old Venus is? About 50. Did you know this is a different time? About 50. Yeah, fair enough. not being as well not in the 12th century yeah but who knows how old Venus is about 50 only when they were introduced to other foods did their green skin change to a normal color but the boy grew ill and died but the girl survived and learned English and then she revealed that they came from a land called St. Martin's Land that was underground. But she could only communicate that once.

Is that where the Shug monkey comes from? Well, this is what I'm saying. We know there are hatches. So, hang on. We now know there are some green benches. She came from a land down under where women blow and men chunder. Can you hear the thunder? Et cetera.

That joke's done. I believe the lyric is women toil, man. Is it? You have a filthy mind. Women blow and men chunder. They don't blow. That's not what we're here for. We're women blow when men chunder.

Did you just mention a lithograph? I did. Before the boy died, an image was taken of his face. You know about this? Oh, really? Yes, the green child of Woolpit, yes. What did it look like? The green child of...

Oh! It's Les Dawson. You may need to blank that out for your viewers. Yeah, it's a bit too shocking, that is. A young boy did die afterwards, so we cannot hold him against him. I want to know who Scoob Faustus Augustus is. Who's that? I want to know who's Crisp.

Also, can I just bring something up on the Shug Monkey? Shug Monkey? Yes. Shug Monkey was also... What was that film that didn't exist that everyone thought that... Was it called Sinbad? Sinbad. They thought it had O'Shack O'Neill. O'Shack O'Neill. Shack O'Corn was in a film with Sinbad.

I think you're thinking of Shazam. Shazam! It's the sequel to Shazam what shug monkey what that's all we have time for on cheap show movie review we'll see you next week i don't know what's this so is this what the do you think mr biffo do you think yes right the land that the green child revealed that she came from. St Peter's Land. St Peter's Land.

This is a hatch that they've put... St Martin's Land. They've put a hatch on. They've put a hatch over it in the shape of this obviously fake saucer. Oh, this could be covering something. To distract everyone. I can't bend down because my legs are back hurts. Many years ago, I dug a tunnel under here. How did you get under there?

With a spade and a lot of time. I discovered nothing under it except one crisp. As I marked here. That was where it was. But I couldn't determine the flavour. All the flavour would probably be rinsed off. Absolutely. And I wonder if so much of the sand and the weird, weird yellow molecules we see,

is that perhaps roast beef flavor who knows who knows it doesn't seem very likely but you i mean you never know no they rule nothing out does anyone know there was a sci-fi film i think it was in the 80s and they built something like this there was a ufo but it was like all organic there wasn't an actual was it night of the comet i'm not i'm not in character saying this i'm saying does anyone remember this film but it was like all organic. There wasn't an actual... Was it Night of the Comet? I'm not in character saying this. I'm saying, does anyone remember this film where they built a fake UFO to cover up a real UFO?

Yeah. That sounds a bit quite nice. Yeah, it was like that but it was like Night of the Comet. The UFO's gone to plan another big, lovely jeep. I think it was Night of the Comet because the actual alien was just a goo which infected people.

Because the government was already brain infected by it, they built a silly metal saucer that everyone thought, oh that's stupid it can't be real, of course it's not real just to put them off what was actually happening. I don't think it's Night of the Comet, that literally just had a comet.

And everyone who saw it was disintegrated but some people were mutants. Mutants. It is. What a waste of time. It's the 80s remake of Invaders from Mars. There you go. What a waste of time.

We did like that. The problem with... Oh, God. Right. He's fucking choking to death. So just for the initiated, right now we're looking at this strange blue fog and an alien's coming out of it. What's going on? to death. So just for the initiated right now we're looking at this strange blue fog

and an alien's coming out of it. What's going on? What is that? Stay back. He's choking! I don't know if it's genuine. Smoke got trapped in the mask. It was not genuine. Look! What a great item that was. It was pretty cool for what it looked like, but unfortunately it wasn't very impressive over the course of time. Yeah. I went in my eye holes!

Oh shit! Soft ground. You survived. I'm alright. It was a bit wet. You be careful when you're coming down from there. I nearly had a terrible accident. You've seen it now, you don't believe there's an alien. What do you mean? No, I don't believe there's an alien because you just bought a smoke grenade and fell out of the woods wearing a cheap mask. If I did it again you wouldn't believe it a second time. Do it a second time and see if we believe it. All right.

Maybe we should all just have a little chat and then not really draw attention to it, all right? And then... Go, ooh! See what I mean about this whole thing being a fucking fraud? Well, it was blue. Mate. I don't know where their blue came from.

You want a close encounter? No. How about that? Close encounter of the beefy kind. Uh-oh, she filmed that. Exactly, there's the proof. I'm not the farter on this show anymore. It's you, you love outdoor farting.

It's aliens. Aliens made me break wind because I was scared. I had a close encounter with the cloth of my pants. Touched it. Yeah. I touched through the veil. Here we go. Let's all just pretend we're just talking. So, what an interesting place this is.

It's an interesting sight. Guys, guys. What? What the fuck? Oh my god! Whoa. Biffo was right. There is real aliens. Look, he's got one of those... He's got one of those... those pyramids.

Don't, it'll burn you. Oh, it's coming this way. Fucking hell. Right, I'm back. After touching the pyramid, I passed out for a little bit with the Valiant sighting and everything. It's all very strange.

What are you doing? Oh, is it Nug Nug? I'm getting the nugs out. Get the nugs out! Am I allowed to do this here? Yeah. Well, since they've just been alerted to us by a smoke bomb, perhaps not the best idea.

Someone's having a rave. Some middle-aged men are having a rave. Yeah? No. Well, since they've just been alerted to us by a smoke bomb, perhaps not the best idea. Someone's having a rave. Some middle-aged men are having a rave. No one even... People don't even look at me when I smoke weed on the street. They don't think it's me. They think it's all the youths. I think they're just probably too frightened to approach. Would you like your Pyramid of Doom back?

I touched it and had a very exciting experience. I think I saw through the smoke. Yeah. All of a sudden, I've got, like, binary coming through. It's like, hang on, just someone write this down. 0-1-0-0-1-0-1-0-0-0-0-1-1-1-1-0-0-1-0-1-0-0-0-1-1-1-1-1-0-0-0-0-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1- one one one zero zero one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one paul can you do that again because i haven't uh get a pen here we go zero zero one zero one zero zero zero one two one two one one one one one two zero one one two zero one one two one one one one one one two zero zero one two one two one two one two one one one two one one one one two i think that's Tunisia.

To Tunisia. According to the decoder, those, it's the beginning of the script to the Tom Cruise film Far and Away. I knew it. I knew it. Music by Enya.

Oh. And to think... Because it says Enya on this No it doesn't It says Crisp It's a bit different Not that side man Oh that other side

Enya And he's a Scientologist Who believes in Xenu Who is? Tom Cruise Oh yes He likes his aliens I thought you meant Enya

She believes in nothing She might She might believe in money And harmonising. What, is that the Harbours? Is that a real band? No. Oh, that's a shame.

That looks like Conan's brother, Conscion Papaya. So if this... Conscion Papaya. Conscion Papaya. I do like the fact this house this UFO does

look like a bloody fireman's helmet doesn't it no that's Rhiannon oh yeah yeah although isn't that a song by some band

yeah Fleetwood Mac Fleetwood Mac so Fleetwood Mac Fleetwood Mac so Fleetwood Mac's been here and Enya Fleetwood Mac Enya yeah

the Harbours have been here ET ET look Tam Tams they did be young

be foolish but be happy I've been affected by alien force forces oh dear you get your dinner out of

that we make money Eli's doing a piece to camera now he's talking more bullshit to please Biffo and I'm done with it. Look he's standing there with a big stick. I'm just relaxing, processing my thoughts. 0-0-1-0-1-0-0-0-1-0-1-0-0-0-1-0-1-0-1-1-1-1-0-0-1-1-1-1-0-1-1-1-1-1-1-0-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1- ufo model which i presume is designed out over the sketchings um including the symbols on the

side of the ufo which are kind of like weird dribbly hands dribbling down i don't know so i think we're going to do more investigations tomorrow but right now biff is going to send off his rocket into the in in into the woods to make a contact with with the alien he's not going to fire into the woods is he he's going to fire it into the sky and make contact with the alien. He's not going to fire it into the woods, is he? He's going to fire it into the sky and it will land somewhere else in the woods. That's where I'm going to do my wizard prank. Can't wait. Shh, they're coming this way.

Shh, don't tell them. Now they're complaining about a sign that's talking about height. Space begins? How close to infinity is that? Not very close. Not very at all. I was relaxing. Why are you sat on the grass like this? I was relaxing You can have a wet arse mate You've already got one I've got a little bit of a wet arse

From the wind that I've passed Also, you know what it would help with? What? It would help with cleaning the particles of poo off your arsehole From when you farted vigorously into the mic before Because there's definitely poopy Do you hear that? Do you hear that?

Do you hear that? There's a bang Gone I have my own aiming because there's definitely poopy. Do you hear that? Do you hear that? There's a bang. Gone. I have my own anemone. Definite poopoo particles that you need washing off with the damp ground. Well, on the bright side, it may be it's alien contact that spoke through me. Out of my ring of peace. What was he called?

Venus Feastus? No, Venus Feastus. Sounds like a Christmas event for Venus. Venus Feastus. Sounds like a Christmas event for beaners. You can't say anything with that fucking syllable in it. No, you can't. You've ruined it. It's been ruined. You've ruined the concept of beans for everyone. Shall we wander back?

What, we're going to get the rocket now? Yeah. I thought carburetor was pretty hot. The quickest way back is actually... The highlight of the day is your carburetor joke. We're doomed. I've got a very wet arse. Are you going to look at these bendy trees or not? Oh, is that them, Brian?

Don't be stupid, man! You have now walked the trail, you have read the story and considered the events of those dark winter nights of 1980. Did you see anything mysterious? What do you believe? And if you're interested you can go and learn more. Forestry.gov.uk forward slash visit and find out more. Please do not climb the sculpture. That sign should have been closer to the actual sculpture, so I didn't just jump all over it. Oh, they've gone.

Paul was mining that he's hungry. I was saying that I was a little bit hungry, or I need a coffee or some kind of, you know. It's food. It's known as food. You eat that, it makes your body go. Why have you got to be hard-faced about every single fucking point? Some you can let go. Some you can just walk on by and wave.

You don't need to point out every single one. I'm sorry you're hungry. We're having a normal conversation. And all of a sudden you've got an issue with the words I do or do not use with regards to my energy levels. I'm sorry. Fuck me. Shut up and look at the bendy tree. Look at the bendy tree.

They've got a wonk on. Is that literally the bendy tree, is it? Yeah, there's a couple of them. I am slightly disappointed, I do admit. That tree is slightly... Get closer and look, there's more. Smell the bendy tree. Are they all as bendy as that one?

No, that's the alpha, and then you've got the rest of them. OK. Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you. And to think, they turned down Disneyland for this. Yeah. Apparently these are the bendy trees, Sanya. The slightly, slight bend. No, don't throw me under the bus.

I'll drive in this. It took us all morning to bend that. Steaming the wood. Apparently they think you're going to be impressed by slightly bendy trees, Sanya. I don't know what to say. Where are the bendy trees? It's those very small ones they're walking towards that you wouldn't notice were bendy until someone said they're bendy.

They are a little bit bendy. They're a little bit bendy, but only in a way where you wouldn't naturally think it was un-bendy. You know? It's like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. That's bendy because you don't think it's meant to be. But this is a tree. I can see a really curved tree.

Yeah. It's actually like at an angle. I mean, there's one on a wonk, yeah. But it's hardly like a tourist... Oh, there's like a proper bendy tree. Yeah. Okay, when they say bendy trees, they mean like two. Yeah, well, I mean, to be fair, two does mean trees.

Yes, that's true. So we'll let them have that. But they made it sound like a magical forest full of bendy trees. That one there, that one. Yeah. That's really cool. That's actually bendy. Yeah. You can see the history of the growth on that. that one yeah that's really cool that one's nice that's actually bendy yeah

you can see the history of the growth on that it bent to one side then it corrected and went straight up again yeah I was like nope don't like this yeah

I want to be like my friends yeah I wonder why the other trees didn't react accordingly I guess that's the mystery of the bendy trees trees are just sheep no actually I take it back

I can't say bad things about trees because I feel really guilty they'd say bad things about you though I've heard them no they wouldn't. They talk about your fashion.

It's terrible. They're my friends. Well, they're behind your back. Trees are friends, not food. They're really catty trees. Biatches. Yeah. Look at the state of her.

Greetings, biatches. Come round here hugging us. Oh, yeah. Ew, we hate it when humans hug us. And yet she has the goal to wear those heels I tell you right look they found a wonky tree I don't I mean it's a try it's a slightly wonky tree you don't need to apologize to trees look at that tree on its own cuz no one wanted to be with it. Just there, over there.

Right ahead of us. Oh, lonely tree. We love you. We'll be your friend. He's dead. Anti-social tree is what it is. He's actually dead. I want to see what they say about this wonky tree.

Hang on. We have to capture this. Where's this wonky tree? Is it next to the other wonky tree? And the slightly wonky tree next to the wonky tree? I mean there's only one that I would say has a proper wonk on and it's that one. Well because I feel like I've offered nothing to this video so far and the one thing I have offered you're like this is shit. Well the wonky tree ain't helping mate.

The trees are like unnaturally twisted like hell to slur to. I have to say from a distance this one. From a distance. That's the one. Not this one with the orange. No no look Ryan's found a twisty one. Oh my goodness gracious. Okay we'll give him that. Whoa. Do you think that is twisted? Oh shit. Radioactive energy coming off the thing. Shut up. The ball fell over. I didn't fall over I just fell against the wrong tree. Yes. That's why it conforms to the shape of this side of a saucer. So there was some kind of saucer in this wood. That's a saucer shape. That's like the bottom bit of the saucer. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's just a tree that's a bit of a wonk on. This is the strongest proof we've had. You're going to take a picture? Take a picture of the wonky tree. The red forest in Chernobyl. Yes. The forest had died after the disaster, and when the trees grew back, because of the radiation that was in the soil, they grew back bendy. Like this?

Like that. Well, they did have, apparently, nuclear weapons around this point, so who knows? Maybe they leaked out, and that's why. There's your next kid's TV. Shug Monkey and the Bean Children. A 70s classic. Isn't that a bit crazy that this is setting off... That is very weird. That is actually genuinely weird. Okay. The PK meter is out of control. Approval from people I don't know. I mean, to be fair, that is weird.

You've only met me today. Yes. Look. A good shift in Devin Mucus. What? I said Devin Mucus put a good shift in. Have you been talking about Devin Mucus while the recorder's been off and therefore the reference is lost on me because Devon Mucus means nothing.

Oh, is that your name you came up with? Yeah, I missed out on that because I was having a piss in the woods. Look what's happened to the EMF detector. How can it go off and on like that? You've sucked all the radiation from it. Yeah, we might have absorbed it. Maybe. Maybe we've absorbed the life force from the tree. And now it's in one

of us. But which one? It's like the thing. But with trees. And awful. This is so like my childhood birthday party. Which one's the tree? Which one's the tree, children? And everyone would skip around. They were all the trees. We're always the trees.

Has he been mentioned already? James Soulless is the patron saint of this episode. I thought it was Ian Rush. It is Ian Rush. It's half the 1970s football team basically in Liverpool, isn't it? A bendy tree. Let me just take a photo of this hole. Did you take a photo of the tree, Eli? I did. We haven't taken many pictures of our journey, so I might rely on you to take pictures for this episode, all right? ...has actually lived in Woolpit and genuinely believed in the green children story.

Oh, really? So you have genuinely heard of that story? Oh, yeah. So the Woolpit town sign is the two fucking kids. I saw that, yeah. The green children? Yeah yeah do they predate the modern era oh yeah 12th century yeah weird yeah some weird that's some weird man what'd you make of that hey what'd you make of that paul it's an apocryphal story that people enjoy that gives character and life to an area what do you mean where did it come from? What was the origin of the green children of Wokehampton?

Someone didn't just make that up one day. They were dirty children that had a wash and they were probably poorly because they lived in the woods. Remember the Babes in the Woods story?

The Babes in the Woods story is probably the same kind of etymology of that story. Were they green the Babes in the Woods? No, they weren't. The legend of

Babes in the Woods starts around this area as well. What is that stain, man? That is coffee. I have a UV light to prove that it's nothing but coffee. You're a dirty shag. It's Puffy. You've got Puffy on you. He's done it.

I happen to get coffee on a white T-shirt. A white T-shirt? It's not a white T-shirt. What's in the hole? Right, well, I'm going to, first of all, I'm going to poke the hole. Biffo pokes the hole with his stick. I can't stand it back. It goes quite deep.

There could be actually some kind of stoke or something in reality. What did you do? I didn't do nothing. Are you touching my hat? No, I didn't touch nothing. Don't touch my hat. I'm not touching anyone's hat. I'm too busy recording.

I know you're doing it. I'm not doing nothing like my boys and girls. Now look what's happened. You've broken the stick. Watch out. Watch out. I've got it out of here. The melee stuff. You're go. All right, my go. Catch the wood. Don't play catch on you guys. And now I'm going to catch the wood again. This is going to end in tears. Come on, catch the wood and now I'm going to catch the wood again come on catch the wood this is going to end in tears give me that

give me the wood come on little boy come on little one you can't have it hey mind your school days film the hole for those

I didn't point it out but I was me and Biff were passing a bit of wood to each other in a joyous fashion and Eli couldn't grab it because he was too small what's in the tunnel?

oh one of my grandad telling a ghost story they were sitting outside of the cathedral and he saw looked around and saw like a sort of archdeacon in all his full regalia people holding the trenches, really old yeah and he goes to my grandma look at that goes back and it's completely

disappeared and he told me the story then grandma went yeah he went around the corner he's like this when he's had one or two sherries yeah but apparently granddad didn't see it go around the corner so it didn't happen. It's a ghost woman! Right, rocket. Yeah. We're going to get the rocket. What's the capacity of this rocket? What are we talking? How long is it going to fit? Can I get a photo of everyone with the hole?

Yeah. We didn't even take a photograph of everyone with the UFO, why has this hole brought so much attention? Oh no, yeah! We can get a screenshot. I took some shots of the UFO. We can get a screenshot. We'll frame it. Yeah. Okay, let's try and not kill the hole. He's going to fall through into the nutmuck mate. Did you just say nutmuck? He's going to slip into the not muck not muck city limits not muck

he's the king of the castle I hope the roof doesn't go on Paul you get in I should be at the front you could live in the hole make a new home UFO hunters here we are over a hole in the woods

that's got a rabbit in hole boys it's a hairy hole in the woods that's got a rabbit in. Hole boys. Hole boys. It's a hairy hole, in a way. It is quite hairy. It's quite a mulchy hole, isn't it? It's a mulchy, hairy, collapsing hole. Prolapsed hole.

Proboscis. No, don't start. Don't try to do nonsense. Of the positor. Yeah. Of the positor prospectus. Okay. Right, let's try and get this rocket up.

Let's get this rocket right up. Get this rocket right into the sky. Right up. What's the thrust? What's the torque? What's the sandwich? What's the crust of it? I am quite excited, though.

I'm excited because I've got my wizard prank, remember? Oh. I've got a wizard prank. It's not going to work so it's not gonna work because all my plans never do but I've got this thing called a bomb bag and you snap it and then explodes and when he sets the rocket off I'm gonna throw it right behind them so it scares his pants right off the hope so because if it isn't then I'm gonna look quite foolish.

Oh up the road. Right here we go, we're going to the car to get the rocket. Now Paul you were banking on the rocket bit of the video not working and you being able to prank Biffiffo with a bag of some sort is that right it was a bomb bag it was always gone it was a little plastic bag that you press and it goes bang when you didn't it just it just inflated yeah it just inflated and did nothing but also as well as that your prank not working the rockets' both launches were 100% successful, which is better than NASA does these days and shit. You know what? Who'd have thought that at the beginning of this day

we'd be stuck on a motorway for a few hours, we'd be in the woods chasing aliens and then end with a successful rocket launch and a failed prank when it's usually the other way around, isn't it?'t it we wouldn't have thought that and uh it's been a good day paul yes i'm kind of exhausted now i mean i'm spent if i have a couple of those tequilas i'll probably have a couple of tequilas keep going smoky woo-woos and well the night's not over yet we're going to our bed and breakfast uh in a spooky church eli We're going to our bed and breakfast in a spooky church. Eli, we're going to be spending a night in a spooky church.

Churches do actually spook me a bit. Well, this one's going to spook you because it's got a cloister bell. Creaky. It's got a cloister bell and everything. And an organ in the room. And in the middle of the night you'll hear it play by itself and the bell ringing.

Bong. So you're going to get your dick out in the middle of the night and hit the bell with it? Bong! Bong! Like that, yeah? Like your character. Look, there's more of this yellow rind. It's like when you get a sweaty back and you leave a salt patch.

Yes. It's exactly like that. But with pollen. It's like you're fishing for shrimp with your T-shirt. Yeah. Or squid. Squid. So we Or squid. Squid. So we're going back now.

We've had a fun day with our top chums, Ryan, Ashen, Biffo and Sanya. Oh, I can't wait. Can you? For what? To be warm for a start. I'd like to go to bed. I'd like to go to bed.

Where shall I empty my pipes tonight? Oh, what do you mean? Where shall I empty my pipes tonight? Oh, what do you mean? Where shall I empty my pipes tonight? You don't smoke a pipe? Not those pipes. For I mean my tally-whacker. You mean goop. Do you mean goop?

Where am I going to, you know... Lay the goop. Where am I going to... Hey, fella, where's a guy who laid a goop round here? Is that what you're saying? Where's a man going to splash his gash? He said, hey, little fella, where's the goop hole around these parts? I like it trim.

I like it trim. I like my goop hole trim. Shut up. I'm going to move the mic away. You're going to just shout, I like it trim. Get my goop hole out and I'll wash it about. I'll hit the bow with the goop end on a tree. Now you've gone to nonsense.

I mean, where am I going to have a wank? Just do it quietly. I'm not very quietly. All you can hear is me go... I was trying to impersonate the noise just of the sheets. Oh, I see. It's better if I just stand in the middle of the room and do it

in the middle of the room. It'll be quieter. Because there's no sheets to rustle and fussle, is there? No, it's probably a creaky church. No, I've decided now I'm going to stand completely naked in the middle of the room. We're sharing and I shall thrust and throb. We're not sharing a room. We're thrust and throb. I've just had to get that clear right now.

We're going to be sharing a room. We're not sharing a room. I'm a very sensitive sleeper. I can't deal with people's breath and mouth noises while they sleep. I can't sleep with other people around. Oh my God. Breathing, moving, farting, turning over, wanking in the middle of the room. All these things are just part and parcel of the excitement of sharing a room with me tonight, Mr Silverman.

Is this the prank? This is your prank on me? What, the prank is I put my... You're sexually assaulting me. No, I'm not going to... In a predatory way. And you said I can't sing my Goober song. No, you can't. I don't want you to sing your Goober song.

Oh, please. No. A song suggests you've written it already. What I know will happen is you'll open your brain and let whatever fall out, fall out. It's not the same thing as a song. You're right. All right? Yeah, but I've just got nothing to say. I's not the same thing as the song. You're right. All right?

Yeah, but I've just got enough to say. I'm quite tired. I'm quite tired. All right, let's just stop talking. Right, this is just between me and you, Cheap Show listener. Right, I've left. Biffo and Sanya and Eli, they're getting into the car. We're about to leave Rendlesham now and head home on a dark and spooky road.

But before I do that, while I'm in the woods, I need to bury something. I need to bury this. I've all wanted to start down here. We've all wanted to start down here. box, it's in Rendlesham. Right, so here's as good a spot as any. I'll dig here, leave the box, and no one will ever hear of it again. No one's going to come looking for it, no one's going to find it. Just be lost in the forest forever.

Excellent. Okay. This is the perfect crime. No one will ever know. And the box will be gone. Forever. To be continued... Thank you.