CheapShow - Ep 239: Bowery Sounds

Starting point is 00:00:00 I'm going to be fine. High energy. It's not sweaty. It's fine. What are you so pleased about? Why are you so giggly, giggly, happy in the corner? I'm not giggly. I was fine.

Starting point is 00:00:08 I don't like you this upbeat at the start of an episode. It's just I have a little list of things that I want to bring up later in the show. It just means I have harder to work to grind you down over the course of the next episode. Grind me down? Yes. Well, I wish you'd grind me up. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, I wanted to say something before you...

Starting point is 00:00:23 Yeah, go on. I think it's only right that I say happy week time to all the cheap show listenees. Happy daytime week time listenees. And hello, I'm Eli Silverman. For your ears. Is this going well? Fucking hell, this is claptrap of the highest calibre. That's what you come here for?

Starting point is 00:00:44 No, it's not. I'd like to pretend to do a really genuinely good professional podcast that one day might be held aloft by scholars of the future. The Pulitzer. You're looking to get the Pulitzer for Winky, aren't you, basically? I want to get the Pulitzer for Winky. No. Hello, welcome to the Economy Comedy Podcast.

Starting point is 00:01:04 Welcome in. Get comfy. Are you ready? Shall we begin? Let's begin. Let's begin. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Cheap show.

Starting point is 00:01:47 It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle It's Cheap Show time Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Lifestyles of the Filthy and Grotty. I'm your host, Paul Gannon, and I've got my UV light. So I'm going to check out.

Starting point is 00:02:11 Oh, you're going to shine it around here, are you? I'm going to shine it around your bed. How's the salmon eggs? Right, what's all, is there any spoff upon the pillow? There's no spoff. I think it's a myth. You know what? I think it's a myth.

Starting point is 00:02:18 There's no spoff down there. I see speckles. There's speckles of stuff. The UV light shows me speckles. Listen. Speckles of love? Speckles? Speckles of... They're crispy The UV light shows me speckles. Listen. Speckles of love? Speckles? Speckles of...

Starting point is 00:02:27 They're crispy. Listen, you're getting into the realm of some characters who no longer exist. Actually, I see many speckles with my UV light. Shall I check the house of pickles, boys and girls? Shall I go right now and check the house of pickles? What? I ejaculate. Is that going to be like some kind of big surprise or scandal?

Starting point is 00:02:41 If I cast it upon your bedrooms... Eli's a healthy male who ejaculates. Yeah, but the problem is. What a bombshell. That's the word. The interesting thing though is, yes, every man does ejaculate, but maybe not so willy nilly.

Starting point is 00:02:56 So I want to go into your room and scan it. Why are you doing a joke, a Judd Apatow joke from four years ago that isn't even scientifically accurate. I want to check it. I want to see your room. Why don't you do a joke about pink eye? Do a joke about fucking pink eye in North Korea

Starting point is 00:03:10 or something, you twat. You're just scared of what would happen if I walk into the bedroom with this UV light. You really piss me off with this. You're just frightened of the truth. I come back. The truth of what? I spunk everywhere.

Starting point is 00:03:22 It's no surprise to anyone. Oh, big surprise. Eli Silverman surprise to anyone. Big surprise. Eli Silverman spunks off. Read all about it. Yeah, read all about it, ladies and gentlemen. Eli comes. Listen, I want to start this show with something I think is quite nice. Oh, yeah, this is good, actually.

Starting point is 00:03:41 Right, no, no, before we even get there. Oh, you've got lots of surprises for me the last week i took some time to reflect and to come to terms with certain decisions that i'd made and i thought making you talk sexy and then not giving you per twings and then denying you the shopping trolley was was cruel and a little bit beyond the pale so eli i would like to say sorry so here is the trolley for you and in it is a little extra gift just for you I

Starting point is 00:04:07 thought I looked at this gift and I thought I have to get it to you so you found this in a charity shop did you this is an apology present the trolley and what is this big

Starting point is 00:04:14 pencils for small hands thanks is that from the fucking works you've got the receipt you can fucking have it back you've tainted it you could use it for your drawings can't you because it's the actual pencils it's like it's made for you are they color 12 chubby pencils and a sharpener in a tube you get little chubby pencils yeah but they will color all right

Starting point is 00:04:36 thanks yeah just for you perfect aren't they just for my small hands just for your chubby little chipolatas. Just for your my chorizo fingers. Jeremy Beadle-esque. Fuck off! Listen, about the sprinkles or whatever, yeah. The fleshlight. I've moved on. It's not a fleshlight. I'm getting confused. Well, it's not a fleshlight. It's a UV light.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Yeah, a black light. Right. That doesn't show up, Spunk. That doesn't show up, Spunk. And what's more, you saw some small speckles of something on show up spunk. I've moved on. It does. That doesn't show up spunk. It does. And what's more, if you saw some small speckles of something on my jeans, yeah. I've moved on. You seem to be bringing this up. Do you know what?

Starting point is 00:05:10 The CEO of Levi Strauss, one of the biggest trouser manufacturers who has ever walked the earth. Doff protests too much, boys and girls. Do you remember what he said? I've got spunk on my jeans. You never have to clean your jeans.

Starting point is 00:05:21 Why? Because they self-clean after a couple of weeks. No, they don't. That's ridiculous. These are. Look, have a sniff of my jeans. I am not sniffing your jeans. They're nice.clean no they don't that's ridiculous look have a sniff of my jeans i am not sniffing your jeans they're nice i am not no they're not they're

Starting point is 00:05:29 natural oils and now no i think you're confusing jeans with washing your hair it's like if you don't use product in your hair it'll self-clean does it i don't know i've heard that no it doesn't i don't know either way it's totty bollocks isn't it totty bollocks anyway you got a trolley as well so thank you i do like that trolley that'll go on the shelf in the other room yeah so that's my apology and i might have to tape over the m&s because i don't like that yeah i prefer it was like asda or safeway yeah or retro thing like a bit of a retro thing not the m&s because they suck anyway talking to the mic because you know the lovely listeners would like to hear and I'm tired of editing your muffles one thing I will say about M&S Paul

Starting point is 00:06:07 their ready meals very tasteless in my opinion that's just a bit of a culinary tip so here's the other little thing though oh crisp

Starting point is 00:06:14 we've got some crisps in here Paul that you would not have tasted before can we get to that later or another episode or I don't care I'll just get them out

Starting point is 00:06:21 at some point yeah randomly a bonus opinion. Bonus crisp moment. Coming up. What is coming? A bonus crisp moment. Right, that was the lovely thing,

Starting point is 00:06:31 but now is another lovely thing. Well, Graham Casey, who appeared on our show a year or so ago, maybe two years now with COVID. Jesus fucking Christ. The missing year. Yeah, Graham Casey, we used to do a sketch show with him years and years ago.

Starting point is 00:06:43 He sent us a thing on Facebook. It was a Facebook marketplace advert. And it simply said, Speedboat for sale, brackets, unwanted game show gift. And instantly you thought, well, what other game show could it be? I only really put it together when I saw the photograph of Bullseye there, Jim Bowen, standing by a boat that looks very similar. So I looked at it and thought well hang on how do you how can you prove what's the providence yeah how can you prove it's that boat yeah does it say no i know exactly given to me by so anyone could say i was on bullseye in

Starting point is 00:07:14 the 80s and here's my boat and you can't prove it jim bowen could stand on the bow of that boat and they'd be on bow bowen on bow i'm moving on from that right now so i decided to look at the advert after initially going oh funny funny uh what else is there yes and then i read the description from uh the seller information is simon and uh it was when i when i read this that i thought all right i'll mention it on the show so he says if you don't live on a council estate in the middle of some gray downtrodden medway town with limited access to Lake Windermere, the Norfolk Broads, or the Isle of Scilly, then this is surely a must. I'm selling my speedboat, which I won on Bullseye in 1987.

Starting point is 00:07:55 Okay. Honestly, I would much have preferred the Vista Semi Trans Mark II motorhome with two-ring burner and sheltered housing, beige tartan furnishings. I would have preferred the mobile home as well everyone or the kitchen or the fitted living room or a box of money or telly telly as the top prize not as the top prize usually maybe bully special but never the winning gamble prize i see so anyway he says never been used as they neglected to advise me on licenses and fees for owning a boat and even giving me a boat trailer. I wasn't too keen.

Starting point is 00:08:26 They literally go, just there's the fucking boat. Yeah, you sort it out. Wow. Apparently. Or they delivered it and dropped it on his driveway. And it was like, now what? So he goes on to say, I also wasn't too keen on Jim Bowen and his warm northern humor. And his stunk of inside out whoopee cushion dipped in a tin of Wynolot.

Starting point is 00:08:47 Whoa. Whoa. Anyway. That's pretty specific, isn't it? Anyway, free to any budding aviation enthusiast. Aviation's not the right term. No, he's got that wrong. Yeah. And then you see the boat and it looks like shit.

Starting point is 00:08:58 It looks like it's been left on the side of the road for 20 years. And it doesn't have, it has a detail. There's a white stripe down the hood. Do you call it the hood of a boat? I don't know, maybe. The bow? The bow, where Bowen stands.

Starting point is 00:09:11 Bowen's bow. Bowen's bow-wow. It's absolute dog's dinner with a lot. With a lot, yeah, nice. Nice, it's all coming round. You'll win a lot of prizes. With David and Jim Bow Wow On

Starting point is 00:09:27 Absolute Dogs Dinner Absolute Dogs Dinner It could be a dog based game show It could be Yeah Sniff that dog Yeah That's a bloodhound

Starting point is 00:09:36 Terrier Oh Yorkie I can A Yorkie? That's a chocolate bar you think Oh that's No it is arsehole Oh god But luckily what turns me on is Dalmatian That's a chocolate bar, you think? No, it is our salt. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:09:49 But luckily, what turns me on is Dalmatian. Yeah. One sniff of a Dalmatian's clout and I'm fucking, I know it. Oh, I'm coming to bit just thinking about it. I can fucking put my finger on it. I'm drawing a snail trail saying, fuck me in my pants. And that was the worst episode of You Bet ever i can't believe i said that anyway so yeah about 18 quid yeah but i guess you've got to get it yourself and look it doesn't look do you see the white stripe down the front it doesn't look like the same boats at all well

Starting point is 00:10:19 no it's that picture that they put on is just to kind of show a bullseye boat and bullseye and jim bowen i don't think he's saying that's the one he won. I see. I guess someone could look up Simon in 87 on Challenge TV or on YouTube. And also, why would you want it? It's like you've got no certification. He's just admitted. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:39 It's nothing. It's just a broken old boat. But he's also probably had it in his front garden for 30 years. So you believe him from the little blurb? You'd say you believe him? I don't know. I just thought it was cute to read out. He said Jim Bowen smelt bad.

Starting point is 00:10:51 I mean, isn't he a personal hero of yours? No, he's not a personal hero. But I also think, yeah. Was he a bad guy? Just looking at Jim Bowen, and he does look like a Sunday roast at a harvester. He's got that kind of smell to him. Old food.

Starting point is 00:11:04 Nanny's Christmas lunch. Old turkey. Watery gravy and old turkey fat sizzling. He smells like a chip pan in a caravan. It's that kind of smell in a holiday

Starting point is 00:11:14 home. I like this. We should make this a permanent segment. Imagine what Jim Bowen smelled like. He smells like the grave now.

Starting point is 00:11:22 Probably dust. What's those pies you get? Fray Bentos. Fray Bentos. He does smell like that. He's like What's those pies you get? Frey Bentos. Frey Bentos. Oh, yeah, he does smell like that. He's like a cross between Frey Bentos and rotting flesh. Flesh Bentos.

Starting point is 00:11:36 Second album, etc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like to go see a band called Flesh Bentos. We are Flesh Bentos! They would be metal, wouldn't they, as fuck. No, but they'd start with a little bit of folk,

Starting point is 00:11:48 like... Yeah, loud and quiet. Now... I like it. Paul. We are Flesh Bentos. Hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny.

Starting point is 00:11:58 Flesh Bentos. Flesh Bentos. Flesh Bentos. You forgot the name of your own fucking group. Absolute dogs dinner. Oh, you. Oh, that's come in, has it?

Starting point is 00:12:07 Right. Do your little bit. I'm not doing a bit. I'm asking you. I've got one here. There's another list. No. I'm asking you.

Starting point is 00:12:13 Yeah. As is. As is. Our custom and our little way. What's coming up on the show today, Paul? Well, coming up on the show today, we're going to do a Paul's page turners and a platter. Silverman's platters. We're going to do

Starting point is 00:12:27 a Silverman's platter. Can I get my name in? I was just condensing it for time. No, you know, I've been noticing this, you know. Every little thing,

Starting point is 00:12:33 shaving off a little mention of Eli here, shaving off another mention of Eli there. Slowly accruing it just being you and me and no one even knows

Starting point is 00:12:42 who I am. They just think, who's that annoying impish guy with tiny fingers? Tiny finger Eli, the smell monster. Is that who I am? Is that who I am? Pumple Stinkskin.

Starting point is 00:12:58 Yeah. What is coming up on the show, though, in all honesty? Because I'm floundering here. Well, Pumple Stinkskin, I'll tell you what's coming up on the show. I've told you. I've just told you. We're doing... Oh, yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:13:09 Sorry. I completely ignored it. And a page turner. The problem is I've been doing this so long, Paul, that when you say things that are just things we've done before, I just completely blank out. That's what I do as well when I'm talking. Talking without thinking on Cheap Show. Downloading program.

Starting point is 00:13:25 I will go to this list if you're not careful. Just do it anyway. Okay. And then get your crisps out, and then that's the segment. No, we'll save the crisps for halfway. Oh, thrilling. There is crisps, everybody. We'll just do a quick taste, cheap eats.

Starting point is 00:13:39 In maybe about 20 minutes, okay? After we have a... Shut up, get on with it. On my list! One, Finch. Two, Lee. That's a coincidence that it spells Finchley

Starting point is 00:13:52 across the first two. Or is it? No, because one is the bird, Finch. Psychologically, you might have been... And the second is Lee, the River Lee. It's a river here in North London. Right, so I'm still guessing you could have...

Starting point is 00:14:02 Barrington. Right. Four. Yeah. Smell Reach. Smell reach. Smell reach. It's an important concept. And five.

Starting point is 00:14:09 Tease, Paul. Tease. T-E-A-S-E or T-E-A-S? T-E-A-S. So, cup of teas. Cup of teas, but it doesn't say that. Well, let's see... You've really milked a lot of humour out of my list.

Starting point is 00:14:20 Well done. We asked a hundred people. One. Name a type of bird. You said finch. Our survey says 16. Oh, not our top answer, but well done. Number two, we asked, name a river in London.

Starting point is 00:14:37 You said the River Leigh. Leigh. Our survey said... It is in fucking London. Thames was our top answer, though. We asked 100 people. Well, Leigh got something. Yeah, well, no one said Lee out of 100 people. Fucking hell.

Starting point is 00:14:47 Number three, we asked you, come up with a name of a man who once got arrested for perjury. You said Lord Barrington. Our survey says, woo, woo, woo. Top answer, 52. Number four. This is it. How much do I have to get then?

Starting point is 00:15:04 Come on, you're a shithouse. You've got to get 47 more points. That's got to be the top answer for this. So, question four. Name it said, name something you drink at five o'clock in Britain. No, that's just his number four. Yes, tease. Yeah, but you said that to number four, which was...

Starting point is 00:15:17 Oh, shit, sorry. Name something you could do with your nose and your arms. You said smell reach our survey says oh 12 12 so that means you've got to get 35 35 look he did a bit of maths there that he invented final question number five you're probably good at math if it's in the context of a game show you're like an idiot savant. We've proven that completely wrong. We finally asked, name a hot drink. You said

Starting point is 00:15:49 teas. Our survey said top answer. 14 points. Coffee was the top answer with 25. So you're one short. Eli, give me your penis. You've lost the game. What was the top prize? A boat?

Starting point is 00:16:05 It wasn't. It wasn't a top prize. It was this trolley. Right, shall we crack on with the show? Yeah, come on. Sound effect time. Since I saved that fucking awful segment of yours. Hello and welcome back.

Starting point is 00:16:21 What segment is this? I would like you to come over here. Over here is my new one. Over here. Over there. Bumming me hard. What's wrong with you today with that? It's always the same. Especially considering what we're about to talk about.

Starting point is 00:16:38 It might seem like pot kettle black situation. No, it obviously is not, Paul. I'm just saying, you're not allowed to do any more intros to segments. You've given me midget pencils. They're just chunky pens for small hands. For children. No, small hands.

Starting point is 00:16:52 It means children, though. Or tiny Germans. You infantilise me. I don't. I don't turn you into any kind of ghost. That's awful. That is bad. I don't know why.

Starting point is 00:17:04 No, it's now time for Paul's Page Turners And that is the Segment of the show Where we look at Literature Yes

Starting point is 00:17:12 Books Basically it's about books Magazines sometimes Sometimes magazines Pamphlets Brochures Books Fortune cookies

Starting point is 00:17:22 Magazines I've said magazines Cookies Signs Skywriting Dictionaries Internet And finally Books. Fortune cookies. Magazines. Have I said magazines? Cookies. Signs. Skywriting. Dictionaries. Internet.

Starting point is 00:17:29 And finally... Phones. Do you ever read phones? Poetry. Plays. Scripts. Stop. You're just doing a thing. Things I can read.

Starting point is 00:17:36 You know what, Paul? Albums. Tattoos. Paul, stop, please. Braille. We could do Braille. Audiobooks? No, because you can't read audiobooks.

Starting point is 00:17:47 You do. You listen. You listen to audiobooks, don't you? You know what? What? This packaging is not for children. It is. It's just not for small hands.

Starting point is 00:17:56 Shut up. Oh, it must be like trying to open something up with, I don't know, just a handful of thumbs. There we go. Oh, he's opened it up. Oh, look at him. Bless him. He's opening it up. Oh, very hot. Is it very sticky? No. Stop. Just a handful of thumbs. There we go. Oh, he's opened it up. Oh, look at him, bless him. He's opened it up. Oh, very hot.

Starting point is 00:18:06 Is it very sticky? No, stop. Concentrate. Focus. I can't. It's all... I've got liquid forehead again. No, you don't have liquid forehead.

Starting point is 00:18:13 Oh, look at those big, chunky pencil colours. Pencils? Yeah. Oh, they look big in your hand, don't they? Oh, well done. You're a big boy today. Gives a cuddle. Weird.

Starting point is 00:18:23 Right. And it has a sharpener in, doesn't it? Yeah, it's got a sharpener in. It's a nice little thing, Paul. Was it from the works? No. Charity shop. Oh, look at that.

Starting point is 00:18:30 What a nice little wooden eraser that is. I bet it's very ineffective, though. I don't care. Your problem now. Oh! Right, so, we were sent this

Starting point is 00:18:39 in the PO box a few weeks ago and I've sadly forgotten the name attached. So, first of all, I apologise, but based on the book, maybe you don't want to be

Starting point is 00:18:47 associated with this at all because I had a quick look through this and it shocked and appalled me. Is it, did it arrive just by itself or was it with other items?

Starting point is 00:18:56 It was with other items so it's likely that we maybe have mentioned that. Mate, it's hard to keep track. Will the person's name be with those other items, Paul? Yeah,

Starting point is 00:19:04 but as I say, maybe they don't want to know once I reveal that today we are looking at the FHM Little Book of Bloke. What more does a man need? Now, I never used to read FHM. No, neither did I. It was like a tits on the cover, sort of.

Starting point is 00:19:18 It was like loaded. It was all that kind of bloke, Mac. What would you call those mouths? Do they even exist anymore? No, not really. I don't believe... Why? Because did the law change? Was it not really. I don't believe... Why? Because did the law change?

Starting point is 00:19:26 Was it like the page three thing? Because if Sun used to have bare breasts on page three, and it was a national newspaper, and then, I don't know if it was a law, but they were forced to stop in some way, weren't they? It's more that the fact that during the 90s, when these magazines were huge, there was lad culture,

Starting point is 00:19:43 and it even extended to women, because you had the ladette culture and stuff like that. What did that mean? It just meant they could behave like all the worst aspects of boys. And that was some kind of weird equality at the time. Yeah. Weird logic. That's what I'm driving at.

Starting point is 00:19:57 Isn't it strange that they'd sort of... It's like this sort of masculine, this worship of the worst aspects of masculinity, what you'd call toxic masculinity now. Yeah, but it's bloke culture back then. Yeah, but it was fashionable, even for women to act like that. Because that was the only way, in many respects, women could have a voice in pop culture and the media. And that's fucked up. Yeah, but it was also successful. Because, I mean, look at the shows that were out around then as well.

Starting point is 00:20:21 Yeah, but it was also successful. Because, I mean, look at the shows that were out around then as well. So you obviously had The Word, and that wasn't blokey so much, but it leered towards it at times because, you know, some of the guests they had. But at that time as well, there were other currents in culture, weren't they? It wasn't utterly dominant, the whole lad culture. No. Because there was things like the rave thing,

Starting point is 00:20:39 and that was much more egalitarian between the sexes and sort of a bit asexual in a way, wasn't it? A little bit. Do you know what I mean? But we're looking at the back end of like Britpop. We're looking at

Starting point is 00:20:49 the fringes. Yes, which was very laddy, wasn't it? We're looking at all, which it wasn't like the case of Oasis, but most of the cases they're all art students

Starting point is 00:20:56 who did bands like Suede and Pulp and Blair were all artsy kids. Oh no, and also with sort of androgynine sort of presentation. With Pulp, definitely. Suede as well, well yeah but like even

Starting point is 00:21:06 blair did lean into the bloke aspect like boys and girls yes but they were sort of they would have they sort of framed it as sort of writing in the way that the kinks did sort of writing yeah uh from the uh a song from the perspective of a particular character that they've yeah do you see what i mean going past all that, you had TV shows like Men Behaving Badly, which was, you know, the blokey sitcom. Yes. You also had...

Starting point is 00:21:30 Even Skinny Badil's Fantasy Football... Was blokey. Was blokey. Was laddy. I mean, again, not as blokey and laddy as it could have been,

Starting point is 00:21:37 but Chris Evans was a big front-runner of all those shows. I was just about to say, The Big Breakfast, was that laddy? No, but Don't Forget Your Toothbrush

Starting point is 00:21:43 and TFI Friday definitely lent into that culture. What about that thing with Samantha Janus in? Game On Big Breakfast, was that laddy? No, but like Don't Forget Your Toothbrush and TFI Friday definitely lent into that culture. What about that thing with Samantha Janus in? Game on. That was a bit laddy, wasn't it? I don't really... Because the whole basis is like they're like single men and then a really hot...

Starting point is 00:21:54 Girl moves in. ...moves in and that's the sort of tension. Do you see what I mean? Which one doesn't bust a nut over the first... Yeah, exactly. Do you know what I mean? And it's a whole sort of construction around... Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:03 ...the gender roles and the sexes that is the sexes that you wouldn't get now. No, because that's what I'm saying. These magazines died out for two reasons. One, that culture slowly went away the closer you got to the millennium. And the second thing is the popularity of the internet made magazines like FHM and Loaded pointless. Because this was a lifestyle magazine, wasn't it? They were men's lifestyle magazines, but the tone was,

Starting point is 00:22:21 What? You know what I mean? Even though back in the day this wasn't for me and i was probably a bit too young for it i still would glance at it and go i don't recognize these men i don't want to be part of that culture well so did i in a to a certain extent yeah so this is a little book span off from the fhm so do you think it was given away on the cover yeah isn't that strange to give a little book on the cover? And that's something you don't see very much these days. And it's just the mag.

Starting point is 00:22:49 It's just a sort of extension of the mag. They used to do it, Viz did it with the Profanosaurus as well, didn't they? Yeah, but that's fine because that's kind of like a little pull out and keep kind of fun thing. Whereas this seems to be like, if you boiled loaded down to one pure essence of shit garbage, this little book. It's a little book of garbage distilled fhm shit have you mentioned the title already it's called the little book of bloke the fhm little bloke of book bog of book look well let me just start by so this was written in uh right so this was written in 2003 apparently this came out but this is like the dying embers of that movement well if you think about it,

Starting point is 00:23:25 it kind of hung around, didn't it? Into the early two thousands. Yeah. Isn't it weird how that always happens with decades. They all like the sixties didn't really end in terms of the culture until like 73 or so. The eighties didn't start until 83 or four kind of because it was still the seventies. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:41 And similarly with the turn of the century, it's sort of like really night. It was really like the nineties in the early twos, wasn't it? A little bit, yeah. It still had that. Obviously, 2004, did you say? 2003. 2003, yeah. But I'm guessing this is like distilled articles

Starting point is 00:23:54 from the past few years boiled into one little booklet. So it's coming to an end. They're sort of regurgitating stuff. Let me just read what Daniel Davis, editor-in-chief, says at the beginning of this book, right? Men, we face a crisis. 2003. We face a crisis.

Starting point is 00:24:08 What fucking crisis? We are being ridiculed everywhere, from the pages of women's mags to lady-biased TV adverts. 2003, this shit's being said. But who has filled the world with beautiful objects like the Golden Gate Bridge and Nirvana's second album

Starting point is 00:24:21 and the Lamborghini Diablo? Who digs up the road to bring you digital cable? Men. That's who. Which is why FHM has produced this celebration of blokeness from the ability to manipulate three-dimensional objects in space

Starting point is 00:24:33 to being the sex that dreams up a school for wheelies. School for wheelies. So be proud of your Y chromosome as you slap a radiation alert sticker onto the monitor of an annoying colleague.

Starting point is 00:24:45 And with my intimate knowledge of the content of this book, let me give you the personal guarantee that what follows is 100% pure bollocks. I thank you. That's just shit. The premise of this is like men are being attacked. Oh, we can't be men anymore. You can't say that anymore. What's actually being said is your journalism style is dying out because it's proving to be archaic and really fucking aggressive so this book is a weird mix it's a mixture of like random articles about

Starting point is 00:25:12 sports and fighting and things like that things it's best then there are things like things that shocked me was like men do you know this and i'm like if you don't know this by now there's a real fucking problem and then there's sex stuff lots of sex stuff right so all that stuff and stuff you think a man should know but here's the first article of note after going through this and i've pulled out a few special pages one shave your ass chest hair chin stubble all part of being a man but an evil curly ass hair no it must be destroyed and then it goes through the the ways you can shave your arse. Oh, let's see. I'll let you read it out.

Starting point is 00:25:46 First thing to do, of course, is to get quite literally butt naked. Aha. In a shower, yeah, okay. Then fill your bowl with warm water. Right. Take all your shaving... I don't need... Oh, this is...

Starting point is 00:25:58 But do you see the point? Oh, he's shaving his cheeks. I thought he was going to go in and try and sort of get the ring. No. Man, you should never attack that area without professional assistance. No, you shouldn't. It's a delicate button. It's my delicate button. It could

Starting point is 00:26:12 get quite sore. I honestly think the only reason they put this article in is so they could write the words arse and draw a man squatting in the shower, shaving his arse. Sugaring. No, this is some info here. Hang on, what's sugaring? This technique has been used for centuries

Starting point is 00:26:25 in the middle east home of the highest concentration of werewolf women oh great see what I mean oh great I just thought

Starting point is 00:26:33 as soon as you said middle east there's going to be something fucking racist that comes within two words it's almost as if you can't write

Starting point is 00:26:40 something without comparing it in derogatory terms to another culture another species another sex just stick it in derogatory terms to another culture another species another sex I can't believe that just stick it in there

Starting point is 00:26:46 a bit of racism just like weird yeah I don't even want to know what sugaring is now because you've disgusted me little FHM then the next article of note

Starting point is 00:26:56 book of bloke shag of the month and look how they look how they start this when she owes you a favour forget about missionary here are six positions that do everything for you and nothing for her and then there are sex six sex positions that are

Starting point is 00:27:11 designed to basically you know what it's like well what are they what could it possibly be the hoist take the sort of thick sash you get with a luxury bathrobe fold it in half not the ends and loop it under her hips then hold on tight and lift her as you do her doggy style. Yes, it will leave your arms aching but the extra deep penetration compensates for the bum. I remember what I was going to say now.

Starting point is 00:27:32 Yeah. Do you think people used this for a little tug on Tommy Tigger? Yes. Because there's all sorts in the world

Starting point is 00:27:39 and some fucking guys So that's enough to get some guy off just thinking about that. basically, yeah. The wallflower, the backflip. Because it was sort of...

Starting point is 00:27:46 But wasn't... The internet came in in 96. Wasn't that the end of any kind of porn? Difficulty obtaining porn ended on that date, didn't it? What, when the internet began? Yeah. Well, porn became, yeah, an all-access kind of open source thing. And by 2003...

Starting point is 00:28:02 Oh, yeah. So who would be... It'd be for little boys. It's for people, well it's for a culture of men who are still tied into, for want of a better phrase, analogue thought. So they're the people who enjoy Men Behaving Badly, unironically.

Starting point is 00:28:16 They potentially like sports, they drink a lot and they like fighting and boxing. You know what I mean? It's like there's an audience that they write these magazines for that I might not associate with, but they're there and they don't care

Starting point is 00:28:28 because they think like this anyway. The journalism reflects to some extent. What's another position? The cave of delights. Simple, but also effective.

Starting point is 00:28:37 She takes a gulp of warm, but never hot drink or something with icing or something fizzy, champagne, Diet Coke, holds it in her mouth,

Starting point is 00:28:45 then gobbles you off. If you're really in her good books, perhaps you saved a small puppy from drowning. She'll alternate from one beverage to the other. No, she won't. No woman is going to have a line of coffee, cola, champagne, tea, still water, fizzy water.

Starting point is 00:29:01 Bovril at the end. Bovril. Do you want a meaty finish, love? Meat bar finish? Do you want a meaty finish love meat bath finish do you want your dick to smell like win a lot after we're done

Starting point is 00:29:09 come on you've nicked win a lot off that guy who did the ad I'm having that the spinner like the backflip

Starting point is 00:29:15 she wants you cowgirl style then she slowly twists 360 all impaled on your diamond cutter no

Starting point is 00:29:22 this does it's not sexy it doesn't work you no one gets anything out of that 360 spin no it's just can you imagine how awkward that is to be like my leg sorry oh yeah but it's just she owes you one shows you a painful one you've done something for her like whatever take the bins out and now she's gonna give you one get her to gobble some bovril and gob you off and then like the next chapter is literally no job for a woman. They can't throw knives. They can't be a Eurofighter pilot.

Starting point is 00:29:50 They can't do rally driving. They can't do a welder. And they say, ignore flash dance. I will not ignore flash dance. I like flash dance. Here's a woman who tried to do this and she didn't do it. I fucking hate it. Anything else?

Starting point is 00:30:04 Tales from the Door else Tales from the Door Tales from the Door oh weren't we going to do one of those this week well we're going to say it for next week I realised I thought we'd bank it

Starting point is 00:30:11 bouncers are the hardest men in Britain so let's talk to Geoff Thompson one of Coventry's kings of doormen so it's like a lot of tropes

Starting point is 00:30:18 that come up it's like sex for the benefit of the man well it's all machismo isn't it it's that sense of caveman yeah taking pleasure and also the sort of the man. Well, it's all machismo, isn't it? It's that sense of caveman-based pleasure.

Starting point is 00:30:26 And also the sort of transactional nature in that she owes you one. She owes you. And then there's sort of a celebration of violent men. Well, there's another chapter in here celebrating Chopper, the fucking super violent criminal. Again, a part of that culture is like,

Starting point is 00:30:41 if you can't be a tough guy in the East End, you can read lots of fucking books about them and get into it. It's almost part of the same fascinate with true crime. It's not too... There's overlap with, yes, but, I mean, as a fan of the noir genre,

Starting point is 00:30:54 the best noir doesn't celebrate macho men in that way, but it shows crime for what it is, which is something that destroys people. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:02 Do you see what I mean? That's the best stuff. There's a certain romance to it. Yes. But usually, they're all tragedies yeah mostly anti-heroes it's the celebration of the anti-hero as if they were a real hero it's that it's the same thing what people you know who want to act hard have like posters of al pacino and scarface do you know what i mean when in fact when you actually look at the film he's an incestuous monster do you know i mean who ends up dead because of his ego and why would you want to monster. Do you know what I mean? Who ends up dead because of his ego. And why would you want to be that?

Starting point is 00:31:28 Do you know what I mean? So I'm just going to read two examples of Jeff the Bouncer's life. Two little anecdotes. Oh, he beat some cunt up. And I'm going to say the second one. He bottled some up. I'm going to change the language of it. Oh, a bit of racism coming up, is there?

Starting point is 00:31:41 Yes. So I'm going to change the language of it. Just so I can at least defend this fucking podcast. So the first one is Jeff on Hard Men, right? One night I had trouble with this guy called Granite Jaw who had a reputation of being impossible to knock out. We brawled in the street for 20 minutes. People were watching and then some were walking to the chip shop.

Starting point is 00:32:03 You did not fight for, can I just say, you didn't fight for 20 minutes i'm just reading what he says 20 minutes one of you's dead do you know i mean you don't fight for 20 minutes all right but like don't you think i'm what a round of boxing is paul three minutes maybe it was three minutes but like they thought it was 20 minutes because they thought it was epic because he's a cunt yeah so people were watching then walking to the chippy eating and coming back we were all still at it. In the end, I had to bite the top of his finger off. We became friends afterwards. Story one.

Starting point is 00:32:31 So, okay. And they're all kind of similar. Like one on Cowards where he goes, I made this guy pass out because I was so hard. Anyway, Jeff on Japes. So here's one of Jeff's absolutely fucking hilarious. Absolutely. Absolutely, Japes. Absolutely. Absolutely, James. Geoff, just try that sentence once. I'm going to say absolutely now on purpose.

Starting point is 00:32:49 Come on. Geoff's absolutely wonderful, James. One night, I snuck off for a rest in the cloakroom. I must have nodded off, but then I sensed this musty smell lurking over me. I woke up to find another bouncer's willy dangling out of my mouth. The guys found it hilarious. That's the king of crack you get on the door. Sorry. Dangling out of his mouth.

Starting point is 00:33:10 Oh, sorry. Dangling over my mouth. That was very different that way you said that. All right. Dangling out of my mouth is like a fucking nightmare, mate. I know. Let me rephrase it. I woke up to find another bouncer's willy dangling over my mouth.

Starting point is 00:33:25 Over my mouth. Not out of my mouth. It's horrible either way. It went well David Lynch there. I was like, oh, willy coming out my mouth. Yeah, no, that would be disturbing. But I'm just going to let you...

Starting point is 00:33:35 Oh, he pissed off. Pissed in my mouth. No, someone just had... Just read the... Don't read it out, but read the actual bit I didn't read and you'll see why I skipped it. So at the very bottom of the second column

Starting point is 00:33:44 to the top of the third. I'm not reading this and you'll see why I skipped it. So at the very bottom of the second column to the top of the third. I'm not reading this out then? No, just read it to yourself and see why I exercised certain details. Oh, the musty smell after the penis over the mouth. Yeah, that bit. Read the next line that I didn't read. Ah.

Starting point is 00:33:55 Yes. You see? I bet that adds a bit more fruit and colour to his wonderful japes, but I was like, you fucking cunt. Just... Just...

Starting point is 00:34:04 And that's like the japes he pissed in his mouth or he pissed onto his hair no no there was dang on i've never no one mentions nor did i smell it's just from the smell of a penis the bell and right on your top lip because they thought that's hijinks hilarious yeah um here's a chapter which surprised me how your cock works and you think as an adult if you don't know this then there's a serious problem with you i don't care if this is meant to be a flighty segment to just pass it off but it is pure filler it must be but it goes into all the details after every 150 mil you have to go for a wee then all of a sudden you feel you need to wee and then you go wee that's literally the

Starting point is 00:34:41 article spreader and then you wee and then it talks about erections and ejaculation. And it talks about how the penis works. You get stiff, you wank it off, all the cum comes out. Porn goes into the video player. The resulting neuro input, a spit roast perhaps, triggers vas...

Starting point is 00:34:55 Vas... Vascular. No, vasodilator impulses in your cock. Relaxing the... Vasodilator impulse. Relaxing the arterols in your shaft and causing three columns of erect tissue to fill with blood as the tridents you're getting stiff oh come on after swift strokes are plenty century nerve endings in your bell end light up blah blah

Starting point is 00:35:17 blah your internal sphincter closes preventing an expulsion of urine and the bladder neck contracts masturbation rate accelerates to breakneck speed. Goo's a-brewing. Signal from the upper sacral and lower lumbar regions initiates ejaculation. All they've done is copy in a Wikipedia or whatever, you know, a scientific journal at the time, and then wrote in the words, protecting the little fellas

Starting point is 00:35:38 from the fanny acid. I see. Yes. Lovely. Again, it's the money shot. With you wailing like a banshee, man juice rockets up your shaft and out onto the sofa at a speed of 28 miles per hour. It's meant to be funny. This is meant to be funny.

Starting point is 00:35:51 To think a pig can churn out 8,000 million each spurt. A pig? Yeah. Oh, great. Get a pig in. Men can only spunk about 400 million sperms per...

Starting point is 00:36:00 I don't... I have no feeling one way or another about that. Then there's literally the next chapter is the great FHM shuffle challenge. They compare

Starting point is 00:36:07 dirty mags to the internet to a phone. What do they say? Toss time. Abandoned in despair after 30 minutes on the internet. Oh, fuck off.

Starting point is 00:36:16 Dirty mags. Nine minutes, 47 seconds. What, to cum? Yeah. Who cares? When he used his phone. I feel, I'm...

Starting point is 00:36:23 Oh, a phone line, like a sex chat line. It said it took him 12 minutes and 14 seconds. He did, and he used his phone. I feel... Oh, a phone line, like a sex chat line. It said it took him 12 minutes and 14 seconds. He did, and he made it up. He's a fucking alcoholic hack. It's six minutes before she describes my tallywhacker, searing into her star hole, and 12 minutes before it's over.

Starting point is 00:36:38 So there's an article about... Wanking off. What's best to wank, and apparently good old mags are the old best. What else have you got in that book? I'm feeling very... I feel like unclean, you know? There's the thing about garage gourmet,

Starting point is 00:36:49 how to eat at a garage. There's how to get pissed on a budget. Oh, this might be garage gourmet. Let's see what different snacks there are in that era. Forget about overpriced restaurants, petrol stations stock all you need, and they're open 24 hours. Texaco.

Starting point is 00:37:02 Does Texaco still exist? No, I don't think it does. Starter. Petit salami in a fruit compote using HP sauce and pepperami. Oh, they're just being twats, aren't they? They're like, why would you do that? You'd never put a pepperami in a filet pastry.

Starting point is 00:37:17 The main meal would be chicken and bacon en crouté, which is a chicken and bacon slice and chicken cuppa soup. Nice. Dessert. Caramelized braeburn and hot chocolate sauce, which is an apple put in some Cadbury's caramel. Yeah, I'd eat that as well.

Starting point is 00:37:29 All right, and then there's the BP menu. To start, chilli and tomato bruschetta with turkey and farmhouse cheese. And in that way, they mean smoky bacon mini cheddars, dairy-ly lunchables, Doritos, salsa, and that's that. I quite like that. I know you like this bit. Which might work. This is all right. We might give this bit a pass. Yes. I quite like that. and BP Caesar wrap. Yeah, baby. And finally, a yogurty chocolate dumpling with wild cherry Kool-Aid, which is a chocolate muffin,

Starting point is 00:38:08 a mullet fruit corner, and you dollop the yoghurt on the muffin. I used to like a mullet corner. See, that's given me a warm feeling of nostalgia for the period. We found one article

Starting point is 00:38:17 which hasn't turned our fucking stomach. It's like here to get pissed on a budget, like how little you need to spend in order to get fucking wrecked. Okay.

Starting point is 00:38:25 Like, again, this is 2003 prices. Is it pure... So if you've got a budget of £10... It's pure, because you know what the... What? The fad was then, was for... What? Hooch.

Starting point is 00:38:36 Soda, Alka-Pops. Oh, yeah, Alka-Pops. Is there any Alka-Pops on that? No, not here. Or they're just like, you've got to drink beer. No, it's more like... It's like lager, lager, lager. It says if you've got a budget of £10, you's more like lager, lager, lager. It says if you've got

Starting point is 00:38:45 a budget of 10 quid, you can drink 10 units, which is four pints of bass, which apparently comes to £7.36. Wow. Half a pint of Butcom bitter,

Starting point is 00:38:55 which is 90p. Butcom. Okay. One Bell's whiskey and water, £1.40. That all together comes to £9.66. Yeah, you could get pissed

Starting point is 00:39:02 for 10 a bit there. Yeah, back in the day. Or certainly get tipsy. I know. If I had three pints of bass, a whiskey and ice, and what else? Bells, whiskey and water,

Starting point is 00:39:11 and a Butcom bitter. That's four pints of beer and a shot, basically. I'd be gone. But look how... Here's the image that they've put on. I wouldn't want to drink all that crap. That's the image they've put on this,

Starting point is 00:39:21 a man being sick in the street. So finally, to end this segment, because there's loads that we could get into, but they've put on this, a man being sick in the street. So finally, to end this segment, because there's loads that we could get into but I've already decided this is making my hands feel dirty just touching it.

Starting point is 00:39:30 I feel sweaty and unclean like I've been rolling around in Soho in Sex Corner. Yeah. A sex corridor. What was it called? Sex Bridge. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:39 No, it wasn't called that. You're just ignoring everything I'm saying because I want to move on from this book. Banana head. Oh, go back to my list. No, there's no more no there's no more list so i'm going to skip the last chapter which is gayness explained which when i read this it fucking made me angry that you could print this

Starting point is 00:39:55 and it would be it's just bloke jokey chat so what is their take it's like the it's like stereotype of the effeminate gay man well it's kind of, it's basically how to spot a gay man and what all their weird things are that they do. They'll be wearing pink and like... It's like, because Graham Norton isn't going to go away. So then it's like... Well, they're right about that. He never did. Did he go away?

Starting point is 00:40:13 No, but FHM did. So fuck off. Exactly. So the first question they ask is, why do they speak funny? And then it talks about why gay people have that voice. But that's... But that's not true. It's not universally true, is it? And then it talked about why gay people have that voice. But that's not true. It's not universally true, is it?

Starting point is 00:40:27 And then slang. Do you want to hear what some of their slang is? Now, is this taken from, what's it called, Polari? No, this isn't. The actual slang that was, that's interesting to me, that they had a dialect. Polari is fascinating. But that's because the laws at the time meant it was criminal

Starting point is 00:40:41 to be seen as a gay person. But it wasn't exclusively for gay people it was like an underworld argos wasn't it i don't i don't know too much more than frankly what i heard on i think it was and i think it because obviously homosexuality was criminalized yeah it was overlapped with like what like villains and copy rhyme and slang stuff yeah criminals i guess but you'd know because but this i don't think think. I don't... This is the thing. This is 20 years ago now, basically. And I don't even know if these terms were either real terms back then

Starting point is 00:41:09 or terms that they misunderstood or they're out of play now. But, like, for instance, a bagpipe. What do you think a bagpipe is? Getting noshed off. Several people noshing several others off. No, it's when you have sexual intercourse in the armpit of another man. I don't think that's a particularly gay thing anyway.

Starting point is 00:41:25 Well, also, I just can't be, I can't waste any more time on this. Let's fucking not. But I will end with this image and then that's the segment. I've seen, I've already peeped. It's a great big cock.

Starting point is 00:41:36 What's wrong with it though? It's a big cock. But it looks misshapen. That's what they're saying in the article. It's not all fun and games having a big cock. That really, really... It looks like the man is unwell in the cock area. It's not all fun and games having a big cock. That really, really...

Starting point is 00:41:45 It looks like the man is unwell in the cock area. It's a big one. No, but it's all bending, and it looks like it's bursting at the top. Do you know what I mean? Like there's some kind of constriction in it. It looks like someone's badly lagged the storm pipe. It's just...

Starting point is 00:41:58 God. But there's this focus on cocks. Do you think it's... People sort of think, oh, this is funny because it's transgressive because they're saying dirty stuff. Do you see what I mean? Where's the humour?

Starting point is 00:42:07 There's no humour in that. It's kind of a bit of shock value because there used to be magazines that are a little bit kind of, here's the freaks of the world and shock and things. And that's, all of these things

Starting point is 00:42:16 have sort of been taken over and ghettoised on the internet. So if you're still into that kind of stuff, you can find it right now. You can find it, probably. But FHM was the harbinger of a culture.

Starting point is 00:42:24 Of trolling, in a way. In sort of it of being an edgelord yeah it was as a monthly edgelord magazine written for guys who like birds booze and football yeah and don't get me wrong i'm not like saying in general they're a hateful species but it's certainly i couldn't relate to that whole thing at all and i still can't and when i see books like this, it's depressing as fuck. But we have learned how to make a really cheap BP garage main meal. That was all right. I quite like the reference to Ginster's steak slice. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:54 Steak, whatever it's called. Yeah. Do you remember Ginster's, was it called buffet bar? No. What was that? It was like meat, like a meat tube. Like a snack bar. It was a meat tube.

Starting point is 00:43:04 Let me finish. F filled with coleslaw. Oh, fuck me. I used to like that, and breadcrumbs on the outside. Like a big coleslaw, long coleslaw-filled scotch egg. Yeah, baby. Mate, no. I'll go for one now. I would.

Starting point is 00:43:19 I'd suck it down. I used to get those when I was at university. The guy in the local the local um garage who uh he was a murderer apparently he was just what's going on he had a big bald head and he'd still go dougie that's what he's called dougie and you go oh i'll get against his buffet bar mate this is the most tragic and sad thing i've heard in an absolute age from you i'm sweaty have you got nothing oh i've got this list. No. No fucking list. No list.

Starting point is 00:43:46 I'm stopping this segment as of now. If you're going to end on a list, I'm going to end on that. No. Can I? No. Paul, very depressing.

Starting point is 00:43:52 Just to summarise, yes, the FHM book of Bloke was extremely depressing. Yes. But in a similar way, not exactly as hateful and bigoted, but to the same extent

Starting point is 00:44:03 depressing are things like Take a break and stuff it's misery porn and that sense of shock it's it's look the thing is still it's all shock isn't it it's all sort of that's what i mean about transgressing it's all again the whole take a break thing leans into this weird cross between woman's own women's lifestyle and then like true crime misery yeah and and they're right in the middle. And they're all fucking disgusting. They're all things that if you saw them

Starting point is 00:44:28 in like a doctor's waiting room, you'd go, what's that coming in? Yeah, yeah. And then you get your UV light out and then it all gets fucking tricky. Now, I reckon that UV light showing up spunk is a complete myth invented by Judd Apatow just for the 40-year-old virgin movie.

Starting point is 00:44:42 But let's go into Eli's bedroom right now and find out. I'm going to grab my torch. No, listen but let's go into Eli's bedroom right now and find out I'm going to grab my torch no there we go I'm off ladies and gentlemen join me why don't you

Starting point is 00:44:51 sweet veggie jam why don't you we're going to do something crap like that. We're back, Paul, from the sound effect, and it's time for another segment here on Cheap Show. It's a segment named after myself, and I don't think anyone should forget that

Starting point is 00:45:13 or maybe try and excise it from the way the segment is introduced. I'm going to put one of these small pens for big arseholes up my ring piece. Fuck this segment. Small pens for big arseholes. Fuck you. Now, it is the segment... That's a HB. ring piece. Fuck this segment. Small pens are big arseholes. Now, it is the segment That's a HB.

Starting point is 00:45:29 known as Silverman's Platters. Oh, I put a brown one up coincidentally and I pulled a brown one out. Toffee apple. Yes, Paul, it's time for

Starting point is 00:45:39 Silverman's Platters and this is in relation to my wide, extensive arsehole collection. Would you behave? Honestly, and this is in relation to my wide, extensive... Arsehole. ...collection. Would you behave?

Starting point is 00:45:49 Honestly. Wide, extensive collection. Arsehole. Deep, wide... Arsehole. Extensive... Shitty, smelly, crusty, bum-ear fleas. Well-researched.

Starting point is 00:46:00 That doesn't work for a bar cell, does it? Shave your arse. I should shave my arse. Yeah. On camera for Patreons. What? No one would like that. Right, now that bar cell does it shave your ass i should shave my ass yeah on camera for patreons what no one would like that right now i've put it out there i bet i'll get people say i would pay good money to see eli shave his ass that's but there's a reason that i'm not a common street prostitute paul well you could call you you could do on website i could make if i want it on a website called it hairy fansy Fans or something. I don't do that. HairyArse.com

Starting point is 00:46:25 I don't do that stuff. I'm an artist. I'm a comedian. Yeah, he's an artist, ladies and gentlemen. He's been asked to do a self-tape video of him in a nappy. Don't give that away. Pretending to be a cherub. I'm under an NDA.

Starting point is 00:46:35 I'll never get it now. It's not funny. And he kept all that stuff in in Rendlesham Forest about stuff. I cut most of it out. The important salient parts. Okay, fair enough. No, I didn't say what program it was or not that it'll be broadcast in this country most likely fine or that i'll ever get paid for it yeah that's another fucking point of contention now it is silverman's platters paul yes before we get to the platter today

Starting point is 00:46:58 very interesting piece yes but there's a little something we need to do yes and that is to go over live now to the patron saint of the segment, Silverman's Platters. He's actually in the States now. So we've got him, it's like five in the morning over there where Clyde McFatter is. But he's doing this for us

Starting point is 00:47:15 because he is the patron saint. Paul, I'm just going to see if he's on the line now, okay? It's ringing. Hopefully Clyde McFatter will answer. Hello, you've reached the answer phone of Clyde McFatter. If you'd like to leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Starting point is 00:47:38 Well, Paul, that will have to do. Welcome to Silverman's Platters. Hello, welcome to Silverman's Platters, the segment of the show I love where it's a show named after me. Gannon's Gramophone Greats. No, it's not. Why is that so amusing?

Starting point is 00:47:55 I'm only getting myself amused and that's all that really matters. I'm going to do an alternate universe version of some character you don't like in a second. You do already with your bloody Don McLovin. Yeah, Andre, that's it. Andre, um, Brandovsky, he's there. He's outside

Starting point is 00:48:09 with Marjorie. They've hit it off. It's not segment appropriate, so we're not doing it. Marjorie Craddock and Andre Brandovsky have hit it off. They're shagging in the corridor. Niet. What do you mean, no? Niet. You're not Andre Brandovsky. He sounds like a tennis player. Back of the niet.

Starting point is 00:48:25 I'm having a great time. I'm having a great time. I'm having a great time, ladies and gentlemen. I'm glad you are. I'm having a great time. So what is our platter this week on Gannon's Gramophone Greats? This is a LP. An LP. Yes. And it is the New York City album. Now, an important

Starting point is 00:48:41 question. What does LP stand for? Some people might not know. Well, originally, I mean, it was invented in the late 40s, the LP format, Paul. Yeah, don't go into too much detail, because I will cut this out. You can't, look. You're Mary Sensor. That's what

Starting point is 00:48:57 we should call you, the Mary Sensor. I am the Mary Sensor. Yes. Hey nonny nonny dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunn, don go into too much detail, because I will cut this out. She can't. Look, yourny, nonny. Paul, I'm liking this. This will give me ideas for the cherub self-tape that I have to do. Hey, nonny, nonny. That's good, man. I'm liking all this. Do a little flute. Yeah, a little bit of flute action.

Starting point is 00:49:13 Do a wink to camera now. Can you do a pan... Yeah, I like it. A little panpipe. Have you got a panpipe? Something you can go... You know what? My panpipe's in the repair.

Starting point is 00:49:21 Yeah? Yeah, I always do, but... I can't get a fatty panpipe, can I? It's in the repairs. You? Yeah, I always do, but... Look at this, can't get a fucking pan pipe, can I? It's in the repairs. You know what? It's all gummed up. It's gummed up with phlegm. It's gummed up with dust and phlegm, he said, the man.

Starting point is 00:49:33 Did the guy go... He said, I've seen some bad pan pipes in my time, Jim. This one's all clogged up. He said, it's clogged with phlegm and air. I haven't got the parts for this till Thursday. It's all clogged with your filthy phlegm and your air. Yeah, well, I'm not going to get this fixed. He said, it's air down here and phlegm what's down there.

Starting point is 00:49:52 And he's tapped out. Great. I have not tapped out. This is the New York City album, Paul. Let me read to you what is on the cover and what drew me in. Where did you get it from? Charity shop? It was, wasn't it,

Starting point is 00:50:05 in a charity shop that it's always been a heavy hitter, an overachiever for finds for me. In fact, that whole stretch, that stretch in Swiss Cottage, the Finchley Road as it goes. Two of them have gone though now. Two of the charity shops there.

Starting point is 00:50:17 The Octavia one and one other one's gone. Octavia was never strong. Never that strong. Maybe good for clothing, but that's not really what I'm in the game for. I did buy a big, tall Playmobil Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Oh, really?

Starting point is 00:50:30 For three pounds. Oh, that's good. And it was in a great next-to-limb bag. It's quite a big thing. Oh, you never told me about that. I don't hear about your Ghostbuster purchases. Because it's boring to anyone but me. I like it when you say things.

Starting point is 00:50:39 You don't. And I saw this, and let's just say the British Red Cross, I believe. Yes, British Heart Foundation. British Heart Foundation. Near Swiss Cottage. I think it's called Royal Parade or College Parade. That little stretch. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:51 In Swiss Cottage. That little crescent. Where the road goes up and then goes down again. Yes, they've built, it's a terrible piece of urban planning. Yeah. I used to live around there. I know.

Starting point is 00:51:01 You scored, we don't want to say, because you scored some real pieces. As soon as we walked into the first, that, wasn't it? It was British Heart Foundation. It's a great shop. It's a heavy hitter. I got two great board games. I'll say that, board games.

Starting point is 00:51:12 I got two great board games. Oh boy, did I get a fizz on. And I managed to pick up some things, a couple of 12s. Yes. Dexter Wan sells All Night Long in a beautiful copy. It's a great tune if you're into that kind of thing. Very moogie.

Starting point is 00:51:31 That's the international sign for I'm bored. I picked up a couple of other things. One of them was a bit of a gamble, like a Disco 12, Linda someone. Linda someone's Disco 12. It was on Kirtom, the Kirtom label,

Starting point is 00:51:43 which is Al Green's, I mean, Curtis Mayfield's label. So I thought maybe there's a Curtis Mayfield connection and it's good. Turned out to be very mediocre, sort of pedestrian disco. But that's what happens. Sometimes you hit gold, Paul.

Starting point is 00:51:58 Sometimes you gold, and sometimes you strike dirt. Now this was a very, and I knew I was going to get this as soon as I saw it. This is the type of thing that appeals to me. The this as soon as I saw it. I added nothing. This is the type of thing that appeals to me. The New York City album

Starting point is 00:52:08 thrilling hilarious moving unexpergated scenes of real New York City life. A stunning souvenir of the world's

Starting point is 00:52:16 most exciting city as it really is. Now it's a fascinating thing because we did research on it like the label

Starting point is 00:52:24 for example and the label are mostly known what was the name of something hayes lee hayes or something the name of the label yeah yeah uh lee miles association new york city it's a new york label obviously very plain label on the actual disc isn't it there's no there's no uh you know it seems like they mostly dealt with like jazz and every now and then mood pieces like sounds of the of brazil and things like that but they're mostly musical this seems to be the outlier in that it's a it's effectively like a sound effects record i guess i would uh i would um i'll try and describe what the sort of genre that it stand it falls into paul yeah it's a

Starting point is 00:53:01 souvenir or novelty soundtrack LP. It's not soundtrack, sound effect LP. Do you see what I mean? I couldn't find it on Discogs at all. But it also has an element of reportage or documentary. A little bit. This is what's confusing about it. It's a crossover of a sort of sound effect record, a novelty record.

Starting point is 00:53:24 Yes. And a reportage yeah it's it's strange you know what i mean you get a collection of sound effect tracks which are like mood pieces like at the subway the construction site and they sound fake right they sound composed of pre-existing sound effects that they've spliced together laid on they've actually but you know there's one track that really gives it away and makes it feel like it's fake and that is

Starting point is 00:53:47 the construction track one no no really they put a gag in did you not notice for the parking garage right there's all this

Starting point is 00:53:54 you've got the screeching cars and then at the end of that track there's a crash yeah and it's like Tinkle Tinkle one of those sound effects crashes which means they've built in that gag yeah

Starting point is 00:54:04 do you see what I mean to give that scene some closure some narrative but a lot one of those sound effects crashes, which means they've built in that gag. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? To give that scene some closure. Some narrative. But a lot of the other sound effects ones, they don't have any narrative at all. No. It's just like, it's just a sort of sound collage,

Starting point is 00:54:14 sound effect collage. Like collecting the garbage, which is just sounds of trash being thrown away and dump trucks crushing stuff. And track six on side two, noon. Yeah. Which is really weird. It's a siren. Just a street sort of ambience

Starting point is 00:54:26 and a siren. It was only like a minute, minute too long. It was almost nothing and yet it's just, what happens at noon in New York where the alarm goes off? No, it's weird, wasn't it?

Starting point is 00:54:35 Yeah. But, for context, this was released in 1976, you said? 1976. This copy, for example. So, New York at that time, famously,

Starting point is 00:54:44 was in a pretty bad fucking place. Very bad place. And so it was known for its crime and its desolation and its run-down neighbourhoods. And famously, it wasn't a particularly safe place to be a tourist at during the 70s and early 80s. Yes, which is also why this has a sort of... Time capsule feel?

Starting point is 00:54:59 It has a time capsule feel, but it also has a feeling of sort of satire. Like normally with a souvenir, it's like something, how pretty a place is. Yes. But this is sort of giving you a souvenir of how it really is. The dirt, the street. Do you see what I mean? Mama, mama.

Starting point is 00:55:14 I loved our trip to New York so much. Can you buy the sound effect album to save our memories? I specifically liked the construction site noises and the casual hatred of vagrants. Yes. It was quite enlightening you see what i mean it but you see what i'm getting at it's like something that would be you know like um a satirical sort of advert come to our great city you'll love the noises so do you see what i mean like peter seller's gateway to ballum exactly exactly like that

Starting point is 00:55:39 don't you think it has a sort of air about it the way it's sold the way it says this is a souvenir well no you know let me read the back because i think the back's fascinating so the label just threw this out and it's not on their discord so it's a bit of an anomaly it is on spotify if you want to hear the whole album but it's called a different name the sounds of it's called the sounds of new york something like that it's called the sounds of new york whereas this version is called the new york city album which you just can't find online i certainly couldn't but on spot Spotify, for example, if you just type in the mayor of Canal Street, it will bring that up with the full album. It's by Prologic Sound Effects is the name of the artist.

Starting point is 00:56:12 So that's funny as well. So this has been taken. It's been bought, acquired. And then turned into a sound effects. But its original purpose wasn't as a sound effects record. It wasn't sold as a sound effects record, was it? No. Then they're using it as a sound effects record. wasn't sold as a sound effects record was it no then they're using it as a sound effects record but this is the new york of the mid-70s so touch new york and it changes you whether you're here for a day or a lifetime it's hold on you even if

Starting point is 00:56:34 you hate it there's always part of your soul that loves it here lovingly presented on record is some of that magic the essence of the most exciting city on earth sounds that will transport you to downtown manh Manhattan like a time and space machine. The sounds you'll hear were collected over two years by a courageous team. One of the engineers was held up at gunpoint on the subway another was chased for

Starting point is 00:56:55 two heart-pounding blocks by an enraged knife-wielding Bowery resident. Well they say there was a lot of street crime mugging, wasn't there? That's the cliche about it, it was the most muggy city in the world it's why when you look at films in that period like famously like death wish it looks like a hellscape yeah you know it's it doesn't look fun at all like the warriors was an exaggeration of that but it still has that it still has in my head when i think back to it as a british person i think escape from new york yeah you know what i mean

Starting point is 00:57:23 yeah like the worst possible example of new york that's why it's good sci-fi escape from new york yeah you know what i mean yeah like the worst possible example of new york that's why it's good sci-fi escape from new york because it's a reflection of how it really sort of is you know these sounds were then formed in an eight-track studio into these six that's very telling that line i think but that's they definitely have collage they put these together yeah snip bits together some more so than others. But for that exact, for example, the mayor of Canal Street, that's like a collage of sort of several, I think several different incidents.

Starting point is 00:57:51 Do you see what I mean? Moments. The same guy's a shopkeeper, isn't he, basically? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is New York City as it really is. None of the sounds are fake.

Starting point is 00:57:58 We debate that. For instance, the musician in The Fire is a resident of the burning building in question. He emerged with his lady and a bag of belongings and sat on the curb to sing his impromptu account of this experience it's very sort of dylan very dylan isn't it but do you think it's real it has that

Starting point is 00:58:15 for me it has a sort of set up feeling no that to me sounds like one of those really someone's house is burning to the ground it's a building yeah so they're outside on the street with all their belongings in a bag singing a song. Because think about it. I don't know, mate. Because in the song, I tell you what, we'll play this clip

Starting point is 00:58:29 of that particular moment right now. Look! Officer! Officer, there's a can up there! Huh? A can! I want to just make it sound.

Starting point is 00:58:38 They'll find it. We were just about to sit down to dinner when the smoke began to pour. Found the building right next door. We were watching the 6 o'clock news. We've been trying to make the news for a long time. You know, we just made the news without even trying.

Starting point is 00:59:03 Get the wash middle! Get Get the washmills! Woo! You have one way to get to meet your neighbors and have your house burnt up. You can tell by some reasons, you know. I can tell by the smoke, you know, whether it's a wood fire or a stove or something, or one of them things, you know. Hey, I almost feel like they were close. Hey, oh my God, I'm glad I'm not still inside there.

Starting point is 00:59:37 This is the city of the world. Look at this fucking building burn. For no reason. But we were thinking about moving anyway, you know? We were getting kind of tired of hanging around. Talking about selling everything and heading out in the room, buying a truck, staying around New York City, sitting around. Every day it doesn't matter.

Starting point is 01:00:01 Oh! So in it, he says, I've tried to get on the news before or whatever and couldn't. And now I've done it without any help. I mean, it's very convincing if he's acting because it doesn't sound, it has that feeling of real speech. Do you see what I mean?

Starting point is 01:00:23 Of documentary speech. Because obviously the sound effects guy was hanging around with the fire brigade for hours maybe days to try and get something and this was the only thing of interest weird as well that's such a big deal so it was burning down all the time in those years as well but you've got to think down it because it looks like a lot of this was for insurance huge mob scam of getting the insurance on old buildings. Maybe, but also these buildings probably had bad landlords and really poor safety codes

Starting point is 01:00:48 and non-existent. And so Catching Fire was just like, oh well. It happened, yeah. Yeah. So he probably lived in a shithole and it was on fire.

Starting point is 01:00:56 I guess, yeah. If you come up with a bag of belongings, you probably don't have that many belongings. You've got your guitar and that's your moneymaker. It has a sort of

Starting point is 01:01:04 left wing bent this whole LP as well because you've got two tracks i don't know about that you've got it does mate because you've got two tracks which is uh the riot is it or the protesters the pickets and there's another one called protesters yeah the protesters both of which are to do with sort of industrial action right but these look like they're not of that in the time yeah but they look like they're harvested from four or five different time. Yeah, but they look like they harvested from four or five different events that took place

Starting point is 01:01:27 and they've put them together. The protesters certainly does. Because there's no message. It's kind of almost the blandest chants that they could think of are the ones that they put in. I guess.

Starting point is 01:01:34 The ones that are non-specific to a news moment. I guess. But isn't it strange? Isn't it a bit sort of left-leaning to put out an album saying we love our city

Starting point is 01:01:43 basically showcasing a lot of what's wrong with the city as well as showcasing workers protesting do you see what i mean yeah i would also say that's more of a reflection of the times in new york in the 70s a lot of upheaval huge lot of activism wasn't there still coming from the 60s as well yeah and this is all mostly it seems recorded on the southern side of new York. So mostly the Bowery. And when I looked up the Bowery, it's like... It's a very famous neighborhood in New York, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:02:09 Not famous, but it's known for its poverty. Like during the 60s and 70s, it was known for its run-down streets and shops. And hobos. And a large number of vagrants. Yeah. Which is, I think we'll play this clip now. There's a track on here now called... In the Bowery.

Starting point is 01:02:23 No, The Mayor of Canal Street. And it looks like they found this guy who runs a shop and he calls himself the self-proclaimed mayor of well no i think he mentions at the beginning there's some kind of local um shopkeepers organization right he's sort of the head of right so i'm going to play you a couple of minutes of that i'm going to edit it down and put a clip of it now in. With the bit with the... With the vagrant who comes in. Yeah, and see how he fucking treats her. The mayor of Canal Street. Step inside here and meet the mayor of Canal Street, Mr. Abe Milnick.

Starting point is 01:02:54 Sign an autograph right now. Spend $100, he'll give you two autographs. I'm the official mayor of Canal Street. Of course, I started this site to get busy. This used to be the slow mayor of Canal Street. Of course, I started this side to get busy. This used to be the slow side of the street. Since we moved, everybody moved with us. To this side. I'll see one of your 7-inch wheels, please.

Starting point is 01:03:15 All right, let's know what you're stealing so we can reorder, please. How's that? I told you. We used to be by the Trade Center. We had to get out. Greenwich Street, wasn't it? Greenwich Street, yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:29 How we met each other? Don't ask. In a Turkish bed. Why? $3 each. Two for seven. We rubbed each other down. Now we're looking to rub each other out.

Starting point is 01:03:45 He likes that one. I'm the head of the mafia. Now this is Detective Wilkes. Yeah, detective. During the night, he's a detective. In the daytime, I blow into the mom house. When I was young, I drove a truck. 500 women I have fucked.

Starting point is 01:04:00 Hey! 400 of them that I knock up, if that ain't fucking, then I give up. Did you get it? Did you get it? Hey! This is the quietest I've seen it all week, right now. You should be on a Saturday. Forget about it.

Starting point is 01:04:19 Oh! Stuff dropping. ROBERT STACKLINANI, At this juncture, a Bowery bum enters the store. Here's the real boss. Oh, let him through, please. Very important, man. Let him through, please. Let him through.

Starting point is 01:04:37 See what happens? You don't go finish high school. See what happens? That's what you look like. He leaves, but the stink remains. Yeah. Well, if you'd been bathed in six months, you'd stink too. I asked him yesterday if he made in his pants. He said not yesterday. A week ago.

Starting point is 01:05:02 So to me, that's the fascinating stuff. Like all that kind of of real that's definitely real yeah and it's it's a candy peddler as well he's obviously a uh jewish gentleman he makes about six gags about being jewish pricing things for different for the jewish and he also does it's weird he's got a weird spiel because he he says at one point ah it's the cheapest way to get stomachache cheaper than eggs yeah it was cheaper than cheaper than point, ah, it's the cheapest way to get stomachache. Cheaper than eggs. Yeah. It was cheaper than eggs, everybody. Yeah. And it's like, well, you know,

Starting point is 01:05:28 that's very honest. Five bags for a quarter or something, he says. Four for a quarter. Yeah. God knows what kind of sweets they are. Probably boiled sweets or something. He's not chocolate. He makes that clear as well.

Starting point is 01:05:37 Yeah, because he goes, what do you want? It's not chocolate. What do you want from me? And then you've got In the Bowery, which is just a lot of homeless men begging, begging for money to buy booze. It's quite tragic in many respects. Because this guy gives his sob story about how he grew up and didn't go to school. And then there's a guy who's just barking and then screaming like a woman at certain points and then celebrating that.

Starting point is 01:06:00 It captures a really kind of upsetting moment. Like those fringe parts of New York that were just desolate. And kind of wild moment like those fringe parts of new york that were just desolate and kind of wild as well like it's crazy but the people who live and work there seem to kind of roll with the punches you know that segment where the uh the young cab driver and it talks about the guy who's driving a cab in new york and then it breaks down and the cab breaks down that's real yes you really do because the way the guy talking, like I said to you and we listened to it, it feels like someone describing living in London, the whole idea of...

Starting point is 01:06:29 Assholes. There's always something going on here. It's a fascinating place. That's why I like it, but I never get time to do it. Yeah, but it's full of cunts. So there's always this sense of, I live here,

Starting point is 01:06:37 but I'm better than everything else. But to someone else, he's part of the same problem. It is. It's a sort of city dweller kind of attitude. Superiority kind of... People inon do have that yeah because he goes everyone who lives here is an arsehole but then he goes on to say but

Starting point is 01:06:49 you've got to be tough to live here you've got to be certain kind of human to live here you've got to roll the punches and all this so it's sort of like i can do it sort of this sort of and then his car breaks down the metropolitan elite paul oh fucking hell right so i tell you what i want to play a bit you've already played some things i want to play a bit. You've already played some things. I want to play a bit of the young cab driver because I think he's fascinating, his opinion. So let's play a little clip of that. A young cab driver gives his impressions of New York while his cab breaks down.

Starting point is 01:07:16 I don't know. I don't know if I appreciate New York City is the right word. Look at that asshole. I don't know. I like New York City as far as the culture goes. You can get the museums and theaters and the freebies and the park and the music. You have more here than any place else in the park, and the music. You know, you have more here than any place else in the world.

Starting point is 01:07:48 There's always something going on. But I don't have any time to do any of that shit. So it's a drag. I think people in New York City are really fucked up. You know, they're bitchy, they're cold, you know, nasty most of the time, give you a hard time, you know, a lot of lunatics and bizarre people. So I don't like the people generally. See you like that?

Starting point is 01:08:19 God asshole. I'm a bad asshole. Sometimes you feel like, you know, just getting out and beating the shit out of the asshole that's hunking and snoring behind you for no reason. Or somebody cuts you off or just gives you a hard time. Oh, that's a drag. I don't know what the fuck this car is up to. I've sort of come to respect New York City, I guess. You have to be a pretty strong person to be here, or else you just succumb to the shit.

Starting point is 01:08:57 You have to learn how to defend yourself, physically and psychologically psychologically if you want to survive this place. Now I'm gonna take the car back. I think I'm breaking down right now. Right, smoke is right. I don't know what the fuck that is. I'm gonna get the fuck out. Great. Better get out. It's hot. It doesn't need water. No, it doesn't need water.

Starting point is 01:09:34 It's a gearbox, I think. The thing is, I really like this album. I don't like the tracks that are like Construction Site or St. Patrick's Day, which are just collages of sound that you could find in any special effects. Yeah, and they seem like filler. It's just strange which are just collages of sound that you could find in any special effects. Yeah. And they seem like filler. It's just strange.

Starting point is 01:09:48 I just wonder what the... The point. Yeah. It does... Who are they selling it to? Is it a souvenir? Is it... They have to be selling it

Starting point is 01:09:55 to people who don't live in New York. So you're right. It could be a tourist thing, but then even so, the message is kind of, New York? Shit, isn't it? Keep the memory.

Starting point is 01:10:02 Yeah. And like, a lot of homelessness here. Or it's for people who, I don't know, want to make their own radio plays or something and they want that New York

Starting point is 01:10:10 background ambience from the 70s. No. You see, I think that's what it got bought up for. Because on Spotify, it's on a sound effects album. Interesting, actually.

Starting point is 01:10:20 Bowery is a Dutch term meaning farm. And it was an anglicised version of the Dutch term. There must have been farm states back there, back in the day. Yes. And it was an anglicised version of the Dutch term. There must have been farm states back there, back in the day. Yes. But it was New Amsterdam. Well, the whole thing was agricultural at first, wasn't it?

Starting point is 01:10:30 So all of these tracks as well, Paul, are introduced by a narrator. What's his name? It's on the back there. Bob Makato. Makato, yeah. Yeah, I looked him up just now, actually. And he was a well-known voiceover artist. I think I've heard, I did recognise his voice.

Starting point is 01:10:45 He did movie commercials for radio plays. Yeah, that's it. He's got a real deep, real sort of classic 60s sort of radio play voice. And also he did a lot of game shows as well, apparently on TV over time and out to work. In the late 60s, T. Susky Productions was the go-to agency for movie commercials for radio play. George J. Susky, brother of the go-to agency for movie commercials for radio play. George J. Susky,

Starting point is 01:11:08 brother of the founder Thaddeus, had three main voiceover talents. Alexander Scowerby, Bob Mercato and John Bartholomew Tucker. On any given day, one of them can be found in the voice recording studio working on a number of projects. Must have been rich men as well. It was the go-to place for voiceovers in New York in the 60s and

Starting point is 01:11:24 apparently in the 70s it's a New York company yeah it's a New York company definitely what are they called? Suski Productions S-U-S-K-I funny that they're

Starting point is 01:11:32 Harry Krishna's feature on this as well they do I guess they had to license the music for it I don't know it's weird yeah oh Robert E. Mercato

Starting point is 01:11:40 born 1919 died 1991 it's very minimal the voiceover. He literally just says the title of the track, doesn't he? Yes. Oh, no, he did say with young cab driver, he says a young cab driver saying this.

Starting point is 01:11:51 He puts in a tiny little bit of flavor, if need be, in the scene. What a great voice. He's got a great voice. But it sounds like a true crime documentary voice, though. And has a little touch of the Rod Serling Twilight Zone. A little bit to it. It is almost like, if you want to visualize the album, it's like you're an alien looking down on it has a little touch of the sort of Rod Serling Twilight Zone. A little bit to it. It is almost like if you want to visualise the album, it's like you're an alien looking down on it from a distance

Starting point is 01:12:09 and you're getting a voiceover to help. You know, there's a weird kind of staring into a cold wind's pot and seeing New York feel to it all. Yes, but it's not, I wouldn't say it was entertaining from beginning to end. Listening to them collecting the garbage is fucking No, if you skip all those tracks like the

Starting point is 01:12:26 garbage one the parade one the construction subway station like skip all those the car parking one definitely and go with just the vocal stuff i think it's a really fascinating what 25 minutes of 70s new york lost to time the characters like they're quite big characters yeah they're very kind of very, um, cause you're so used to hearing a sort of exaggerated, um, parody of the New York accent.

Starting point is 01:12:51 And here you've got the real thing and it's, it's more subtle, isn't it? You know what I mean? Yeah. And you can, and you can hear like the Jewish influences. You can see like the Greek,

Starting point is 01:12:59 I mean, obviously it bordered on Australia and Chinatown Bowery. So as a result, it kind of was in the middle and it dealt with arts and, you know, it's probably not little Australia and Chinatown, Bowery. So as a result, it was in the middle and it dealt with arts. It's probably not a very attractive place to live, but probably, in retrospect, a fascinating part of New York at the time. Yes. The other thing, which goes against it being sold as a bland souvenir,

Starting point is 01:13:18 is that it's got swearing on it. It does have strong language. Lots of the F word. Well, they say, don't they? They say on it. There is some strong language on and well they say they say on it you know there is some strong language on this so parental guidance and they also say uh editing of dialogue has been kept to a minimum so we try to keep some of the language raw right some of the bowery men may be

Starting point is 01:13:35 hard to understand but they've been listed that way because that's how they are okay but it also forget about it he says forget about it it was great it's a weird mix of like sound collages and then like earthy reportage audio I really like this

Starting point is 01:13:51 if I'm going to call it a splatter or platter it's a platter for me it's a definite platter for me as well Paul and it reminds me of my Canal People album and also I've got this one

Starting point is 01:14:00 Kid Speaking now Paul just before we finish the segment I get worried now at this stage of Cheap Show where it's like, oh, Paul, I've got this. And then someone will go, you did that in episode 14. That's my fear.

Starting point is 01:14:09 This is the rest of our career as podcasters, mate. Paul, just to close the section, do you think I should give Clyde McFatter another go? Because he didn't answer. Should I try him again now? Okay, I'll do it now. See if he answers this. It's ringing.

Starting point is 01:14:24 It's ringing. It's ringing. Come on, Clyde. He said he'd be up and about. He's got problems with rocks in his bladder. So, you know, he's up and about. Hello, this is the answer phone for Clyde McFatter. Oh, just joking, Eli. It's really me this time.

Starting point is 01:14:44 Hello, I'm Clyde. Oh, hello, Clyde. Well, just say, Eli. It's really me this time. Hello, I'm Clyde. Oh, hello, Clyde. Well, just say yes. Please leave your message after the tone. Beep. He's giving me a fake fucking voice message. I hate that. No one does that anymore.

Starting point is 01:14:53 No one uses voicemail anymore in that way. No. No. Anyway, that's the end of that segment. Well, a great way to end the segment. It's a batter for me. It's a batter for me. Oh!

Starting point is 01:15:02 Oh, no, quick. Woo! It's an emergency crisp segment. Emergency crisp segment. Drop it in. Quick. I'm going to drop it in. I can see I'm above them.

Starting point is 01:15:13 He's threatening me with violence. Move it on or cut it out. Fuck me. One or the other. You big bossy cunt. Shut your mouth. Here, we're going to have some fucking crisps. These are San Carlo La Vita e Buona.

Starting point is 01:15:26 They are Italian. Right. What flavour are they? Funnily enough, they are lime and pink pepper. Right. What flavour? Pink potato chip. I've never heard of pink pepper.

Starting point is 01:15:34 Exactly. So don't tell me I don't know how to select an interesting mini crisp segment fucking product. Do you know what pink pepper is? It's a type of pepper. Fuck me. No, but it's like a type of, you know, it's the same plant as black pepper, which are these little ball things. Have you seen the pepper?

Starting point is 01:15:49 They're peppercorns. Right. They're pink. I think they're to do... Like, the same way that... You know, that... I've changed my mind. No, we are.

Starting point is 01:15:56 No, we're not. We can see half this. You know, the normal peppers, like chili peppers, are all different, but they're all the same species. In the same way, peppercorns are all the same species,

Starting point is 01:16:04 but at different stages of ripeness or dryness, they're a different colour. Pepper, pink, pink, pepper. Pepper, pigs, pink, pepper. Now, do you think you're going to like these or not? Lime and pink pepper flavoured potatoes. I think I'll find them nice, but I probably wouldn't want to eat a whole bag of them. Doing a half ejection. That's probably my thing.

Starting point is 01:16:19 Oh, they've got that lovely smell of continental crisps. Is that the stuff? Oh, very potatoey smell. Oh, they also smell slightly like salt and vinegary. Oh, Matt, so you lovely smell of continental crisps. Let's have a sniff. Oh, very potatoey smell. Oh, they also smell slightly like salt and vinegary. Oh, Matt, so you'll like that with the lime. The limes, they're like a European... You put the lime on the potato, put it in your mouth. Oh.

Starting point is 01:16:37 What do you think? They're really nice. They are, but you know, I make a problem with lime. It always reminds me of like cleaning fluid or something, you know, something artificial. Oh, they've got a bit of a kick as well. Ha, that's what I'm saying. The pink pepper comes in at the back

Starting point is 01:16:49 and just nullifies that lemon a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not too astringent. Exactly. I'm going to have another bite. These get a record. Oh, they're nice and hot, aren't they? But in that peppery, they're peppery.

Starting point is 01:16:57 In the same way when you have like a black pepper flavoured crisp or whatever, it's slightly... But it's slightly fierier. It's the pink pepper. It's like a horse radish, you almost. That's a platter for almost. That's a platter for me.

Starting point is 01:17:06 That's a platter for me as well. Good crisp segment Eli. Say that. Good crisp segment Eli. Well selected

Starting point is 01:17:11 crisps Eli. Well selected crisps Eli. Anything else you want me to repeat while you've got the opportunity? No that's fine.

Starting point is 01:17:18 You don't want me to say oh Eli you're so big or Eli your hands are normal sized. That's what I want you to say.

Starting point is 01:17:23 Say that again. Well I'll never say that. Never, never, never, never, never, never. I am the wittiest man in the world. Just stop this segment now. Who am I? I'm the wittiest man in the world. Oh, I make jokes and I make jokes for every boy and girl

Starting point is 01:17:36 because I'm the fucking funniest man in the fucking world. You fuck. Press the stop button. I'll do it, daddy. And that's Cheap Show for this week. Chippa chip, cheap show. Cheap show. So, thank you very much for listening to this episode.

Starting point is 01:17:51 Thank you for listening to this episode. No matter what podcast app you decide to listen to us on, maybe rate and review us. It helps us and gets people to notice us if they haven't done it so far. So, why don't do that? Even if it's a bad review? No, don't.

Starting point is 01:18:02 If you don't, please. Smiles, everyone. If you'd like to support this podcast somehow so why don't do that even if it's a bad review no don't if you don't please smiles everyone if you'd like to support this podcast somehow on Patreon you can go to patreon.com forward slash

Starting point is 01:18:12 cheap show and you can donate as much as you want but only if you can and thank you so much if you already do yes we have videos

Starting point is 01:18:20 and magazines and special podcasts and all kinds of behind the scenes goodness for you to explore if you want to get involved. We think it's all right value. It certainly is, Paul, I think. It's extra content.

Starting point is 01:18:32 Behind-the-scenes goodness sounds like a euphemism for a sex act. Oh, I've been bagpiped. We're not FHM, by the way. No, we're not. What was the difference between us and FHM? Well, we know we're not. What was the difference between us and FHM? Well, we know we're shit and pathetic and we don't really

Starting point is 01:18:46 genuinely think like that magazine. And what's worse is that if they don't think like that and it's all just disingenuous shit to say,

Starting point is 01:18:55 that makes it even worse. That makes it even shit. We're just losers. That's the important thing to take away. Speak for yourself. I am a loser and Eli is just

Starting point is 01:19:01 very impotent. Moving on. So, your one-stop shop. How can you say, oh, I've got the light out, I'm looking for you spanking everywhere, and then say I'm impotent in the same episode? Just pick a hill to die on about whether I come or not, yeah? You come, but against your will, upon your sleep.

Starting point is 01:19:19 Upon my sleep, against my will, I come, I come, I come, I will. Go on, then. I believe if you say that twice, Peter Pan, I come, I come, I will. Go on then. I believe if you say that twice, Peter Pan comes. Oh God, does he? No, no, no. He goes, oh, Wendy. In your face. Splagger, splack.

Starting point is 01:19:34 Oh, he fucking gives you a good old face full of Tinkerbell. I'd rather have hook finger me. Can I awkwardly move on now? Yes, yes. So your one-stop shop for all Cheap Show goodness is our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. If you go there, there are pictures and sometimes videos

Starting point is 01:19:48 that accompany every episode, so every episode's got its own page. Also, you can find links there to Tony's merch, our merch site, events,

Starting point is 01:19:55 physical copies of the Cheap Show magazine, which you can buy. There are also links to our Patreon and other such goodness. Also, P.O. Box.

Starting point is 01:20:02 If you want to send us something to eat, something to play with, or a price of shite, you can mail your stuff to... Real mail. Yeah. Cheap Show, P.O. Box. If you want to send us something to eat, something to play with, or a price of shite, you can mail your stuff to... Real mail. Yeah. Cheap Show, P.O. Box,

Starting point is 01:20:10 1-3-0-9, Harrow, H-A-1-9-Q-J. All the details you need are on our website. Social media, you know, Facebook and Instagram and all that shit, we're on there.

Starting point is 01:20:19 But also, we're more vocal on Twitter, which is at the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show, and Eli is Eli Snorri spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D

Starting point is 01:20:28 and every other Sunday we will be doing a Spotify Green Room oh yeah I'm going to get involved get into it because we've been doing it I get naked and do it

Starting point is 01:20:37 we did it last Sunday I could give beer scrunchies yeah you could get shit in my beard and we'll scrub it all up we'll scrub it all up

Starting point is 01:20:44 yeah you can do that if you want peely peely fleshy flesh I can actually shit in my beard and we'll scrub it all up there. We'll scrub it all up there. Yeah, you can do that if you want to. Peely, peely, fleshy, flesh. I can actually mute you on that as well if I host a room.

Starting point is 01:20:51 I'll just mute you. You can mute me? Yeah, so behave. Why? I'll set up my own room. I don't want to be mutable. Do your own room then. See who joins,

Starting point is 01:20:58 yours or mine. It'll be yours and I'll be fucking sad. No, I won't. It's fine if you want to mute me. You won't want to mute me. You have to download the app. It's still very early access

Starting point is 01:21:07 and a bit buggy and there are some features that work for iPhones which don't work for Android yet. But outside of that, come and join us on a Sunday. It'll be about 5 or 6pm UK time that we'll be on

Starting point is 01:21:16 and we'll be talking to you and asking questions and have a right old natter. We'll be asking questions. What will we be asking them? Why do you listen? What are you wearing? What are you wearing?

Starting point is 01:21:24 Who's your favourite? I've gone all FHM here. You've gone fucking hardcore munter. So I think that's all the podcasts we need to do this week. Fantastic. A pleasure as always, Paul. Good crisps, good platter, bad via FHM. FHM can fuck off.

Starting point is 01:21:42 I think they did, haven't they? Yeah. I didn't remember it as being that sort of nasty no but you know what it's a hindsight memory makes fools of us all

Starting point is 01:21:51 goodbye Paul goodbye Eli goodbye the candy Peddler Five for a quarter. I don't know, lady. I don't know. There's no chocolate here. With a sweet. This is something different. Something different. Five for a quarter. 50 cents, that's all.

Starting point is 01:22:32 Where can you get a bellyache so cheap? Cheaper than X-Rag. Five for a quarter. Golden Mayan. Anybody want some of these? Anyone else? Five for a quarter. Want to try five?

Starting point is 01:22:44 25 cents. Five for a quarter. You don't five? 25 cents. From Israel. You don't believe it's kosher? Take a look. It says so right on the wrap. I don't know what the hell to tell you. Five for a quarter. You want five? Imported? Come on. Five for a quarter. Ten more left. Anyone else? Five of these for a quarter. Anybody want some? We've got two boxes left inside.

Starting point is 01:23:04 It's the last you're going to get today. Anybody want to try and step over here?

CheapShow - Ep 239: Bowery Sounds

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