CheapShow - Ep 24: Look-In Magazines Rool OK

Episode Date: June 28, 2016

Do you remember Look-In? The old 80s magazine for teens about TV, movies, music and comic strips? No? God we're old? Well, if you do, you are in for a treat as Paul & Eli find a stash of Look-Ins and decide to look into the history of the weekly magazine and fall head first into a nostalgic hellscape that includes Madness, 5 Star, Worzel Gummidge, Spagna, The Krankies and, god help us, Little & Large. At some point... Paul MAY have a massive rant about shitcom "Bread" by Carla Lane. You have been warned! We also have all the usual bits with more Tales from the Dancefloor and The Price of Shite... But we discover that Eli has a fanbase thanks to his appearances on the YouTube channel "Barshens" and the comments are... well.. troubling! Its more cheap topics and cheap laughs in another CheapShow podcast! Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid & Follow Us at @Barshens too! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher, iTunes or most good podcast apps and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello everybody! It's time for episode 24 of Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman. Here's the other host, it's Paul Gannon! Ah, hello, welcome to Cheap Show episode 24 of cheap show i'm eli silverman here's the other host it's paul gannon ah hello welcome to cheap show episode 24 hello welcome how are you i'm good so uh the live show was the last episode i'm just going to apologize again for the sound quality yeah listen to our smooth smooth sound this week i just don't know what the logic is of building an inflatable stage, kind of tent area to have performances on, and then putting the stage right at the end of the inflatable tent area that has the fan. The air conditioning fan?

Yeah. No, the fan that pumps the inflatable tent up. Oh, the actual thing that keeps it all inflated. Yeah. That was right next to the stage. So you're on stage talking. All you hear in the background is, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. You know, it all inflated. Yeah, that was right next to the stage. So you're on stage talking, all you hear in the background is, hob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob.

You know, it's just, it's distracting. And so when we're recording it, you can hear our voices in the background, you're just hearing the wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Not even drum and bass, wob, wob, wob. It's not the wob, wob. Yeah, no, that's... Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob.

That's dubstep. Is it dubstep? Yeah. I'm not au fait with the latest trends. No, well, you seem to be able to make the bloody noise. Wow, wow. Also, another question. Yeah.

Why couldn't they have people with the technical know-how to plug the mics directly into our recording device, thereby alleviating the technical issues? I think it was the desk, actually. I don't think it had the proper out to record into a separate out external source. Also, the microphone was set up so the gain or whatever it's called was... Makes me mad. Either way, it wasn't great because, for instance, if you did a joke on the microphone,

and, you know, it was a good joke, the sound would cut out the minute your voice stopped speaking. So you wouldn't hear the laughter in the crowd. That's never good. So it would just be you going, and that's why she didn't fall down. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You know what I mean? And it would sound weird.

It's just got that weird cut off on the way. Anyway, let's just cut this short and apologise again for the sound in episode 23. I'm not all that bothered, but it's worth pointing out, I think, at least. But we're back here in the studio. Studio. For another extremely smooth and well-produced episode of Cheap Show.

Of Cheap Show. So we've got a looking magazine special today, kind of. I say looking special. It's just the topic we've chosen, or I chose. You've chosen. Yeah. You've foisted on me. So we're going to be looking at the old looking magazines of the past.

We've got, what else we've got? Price of Shite. And what I thought we'd also look at as well is just to start off. Yeah. You know what? Actually, no. You've got to tell us from the dance floor. Let's get that out the way.

Tales from the dance floor. Floor, floor, floor, floor. Thank you, Paul. Floor. Yes. Floor. Finished? Yeah. So. Floor, floor, floor, floor, floor. Thank you, Paul. Floor, floor. Finished? Yeah. So.

Floor. Don't start doing this. I'm sorry. No one. All right. No one finds that amusing. I did. You find it amusing.

Yeah. Have you stopped now? Mm-hmm. Okay. And I, it's, yeah, anyway. Yeah. Don't say floor again. Hmm.

I want to say it so bad. I want to say it so bad I want to say it so bad And I just don't know if I should You shouldn't, okay You know what, I'll book convention and I won't do it, I promise I'm going to go and get a sip for my coffee Which will give you this beginning you need To get going without me interrupting you

So Floor! So, yes, here is another in my Infrequent series of Tales from the Dance Floor. Little stories I like to tell about the things that happen when I'm DJing in the club. Confessions of a DJ. So, I've had quite a lot of negative vibes off people recently. Really? Because you don't put out

negative vibes when you're on stage with your arms crossed. I don't have my arms crossed. You look miserable though. No, I don't. You do. Every time I walk in

and you're DJing and you've been there a while, you look pissed off. Anyway, so I'm there the other day. Yeah. It's everyone, all the staff have commented

on the lovely atmosphere that night. You know, atmospheres change. Yeah, from night to night depending on the people there. From night to night depending on the clientele and everything. You know, atmospheres change. Yeah, from night to night, depending on the people there. Depending on the clientele and everything. And everyone had noticed, everyone was having a really lovely

time. Yeah. Dancing. Dancing. Jumping around. Drinking and chatting merrily. Drinking and chatting, yeah. It was all very nice. And then right at the end of the night, like literally sort of ten minutes ago, I'm preparing the next record. This guy kind of ducks into the booth, arms crossed. He's like, I'm preparing the next record.

This guy kind of ducks into the booth, arms crossed. He's like, this tune's a bit shit. What's the next tune? Right. What's the next tune? And I'm like, the next tune is Fuck Off. Oh, I didn't say that. Straight.

I didn't say that. Of course I didn't say that. In my head. Well, you know, what positive thing does he hope is going to come of that? You know, just coming up to some guy who's doing his job and just going, you're shit, this is shit. It's a very rude introduction.

It's extremely negative. What's the next tune? As if I'm going to go, oh, sorry, Mr. Punter, sir. Oh, yes, for you, I will produce the tune. Do you like this tune? Please say you like the tune. Oh, please. Do you like this?

I know this tune was bad. I need spanking because it was so bad. It was so bad. I'm so bad at my job, Mr. Punter Man. Fuck you, you bearded suburban twazpot. Oh, twazpot. Anyway, just wanted to get that out there. What's the next tune?

So what did you do? I just went, yeah, the next tune's disco. He probably won't like that either. And he went, disco? How old was he? Was he like a millennial? He was in his mid-20s. Twat. Fucking twat.

Yeah. Fucking, oh yes, I'm in my 20s and I've seen everything. I've heard everything. I know everything. He probably, I think, just from a deduction, I'd say that he'd probably just been rejected by a young lady on the dance floor. Oh, this is one of these, I need, like when a cat is embarrassed, what it will do instantly is it will groom itself.

Yes. Did you know this? When a cat is attacked and it, you know, loses the fight or it impacts. I've seen that. Cats all go, I fell off a chair. Yeah, yeah. I'm cool, me. I look shiny.

It's the equivalent to the Fonz, like, combing his hair after being rejected. Yeah. Right? So, I'm guessing that. He does, doesn't he? Yeah. Yeah. They cat all lick themselves. They go, look, I still can put spit all over rejected. Yeah. Right? He does, doesn't he? Yeah. They cat all lick themselves.

They go, look, I still can put spit all over me. Yeah. So basically him going up to you to assert some dominance over the music was his grooming moment to kind of get back

whatever self-respect he thinks he has in his head. That's the story that I sort of produce in my head because I can't see why he's so negative. It's just like,

well, what magical thing is going to happen from you just coming over and dissing me? Does he think maybe he's going to just suddenly go, you should play that tune, mate. Make this house rock like a fucking hurricane. No, but he didn't have. I said, that's what I said.

Because I was kind of a bit irked by his whole attitude. Oh, and quite rightly. I sort of went, have you got a request? Like, you know what I mean? Usually how this works is if you ask for something and then I tell you, no, I don't have it. But, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, fuck you, you fucker. Did he go quietly?

It was just a bit of a standoff with me going, yeah, I'm going to play another tune. Is there a musical equivalent of a Mexican standoff? Is there a, I don't know, Tchaikovsky standoff? Tchaikovsky. I don't know. I don't know. It's just a musician.

No, a Mexican standoff is a metaphor that can work in lots of different areas. It doesn't have to be an actual sort of Wild West thing where you've got your hand over your gun. Right. But there was no moment here where he thought you were going to give and cave into his demands.

I don't know what he wanted me to give. Did I just stop the record? Sorry. Get on the mic. Sorry, this prick here. Mr. Smith here of Milton Keynes has said this tune's a bit

whack what's the next one well here's the next one Mr Smith it's wham you prick I bet he'd like that as well

anyway and then yeah last night oh right that was a strange sound so this is just typical

of the kind of weird passive aggressiveness yeah that people that people bring to the arena of asking djs to play records so yeah this guy comes over again a man you know a young man probably in his 20s um and he goes first of all first of all can i just say great great doing a great job doing a brilliant job brilliant excellent djing skills he says you're brilliant yeah yeah i'm thinking here we go here we go where's the catch yeah so he goes can you play edwin star war okay that's not a completely out of bounds suggestion it's a tune i like and i said no

sorry mate i do not possess that tune which is is, you know, you can only do so much. Yes. You can only bring with you so much on the day. You know, because I play vinyls. Yeah. And there is a limit to how many vinyls you can bring. Yes, physically, for you. And then he turned.

He turned. He did? Yeah. What? After telling me I'm a great DJ and requesting, I said, I don't have it. He goes, what? You don't have Edwin Starr's War? You play Funk and Soul and you don't have it. He goes, what? You don't have Edwin Starr's War? You play Funk and Soul and you don't have that? What?

Is it one of the fucking Ten Commandments of Funk and Soul? I must have that record. Douchebag. You know, in fact, it probably wouldn't work. You know, it's a good song. Works on the radio. It's not that dancey, is it? Not really, no.

It's not that sort of floor shaking, is it? Not really, no. Just fucking think about it, mate, before you make these accusations about me. You know, come over here, try and butter me up first and then fucking bum me. No, wait, that was a stretch, so to speak. No, hang on. Well, he does.

He butters it up and then he goes, yeah, you're shit, doesn't he? That's dark. But the thing is, you know what that reminds you of? It's like when a guy goes up to a woman and goes, you're really, really pretty. Aren't you really pretty? Do you want a drink? And she'll go, I'm all right for a drink. He goes, you're a slag. Yeah, exactly. You're a thing is, you know what that reminds you of? It's like when a guy goes up to a woman and goes, you're really, really pretty. Aren't you really pretty? Do you want a drink?

And she'll go, I'm alright for a drink. He goes, you're a slag! Yeah, exactly. You're a whore, you! Exactly. What's wrong with me? It's like that.

It is like that. Obviously, it's not as bad as that open misogyny. No, not as bad as that. But it's a similar thing. It's musical misogyny. It's a similar dynamic, isn't it? Yeah, it's a similar behaviour pattern.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I didn't get what I wanted. Anyway, so, that's my second tale of misogyny. Did you actually say this too? Or did you just say, and then just turn away awkwardly and ignore it? Yeah, it's a similar behaviour pattern. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I didn't get what I wanted. Anyway, so, that's my second tale. Did you actually say this too? Or did you just say, and then just turn away awkwardly and ignore him?

Yeah, basically. No, I just went, look, I haven't got it. You know these ranchers who have it? I can't produce it. I haven't got some kind of future 3D printing

robot machine that will just produce it out of thin air. No. Also known as the internet. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anyhow.

What? He did, and he did the classic. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anyhow. What? He did, and he did the classic. I do have it on my iPod. Oh, of course. I'll plug your iPod in. I'd love to listen to your compressed MP3 quality. Yeah, your bloody 60... Everything I've learned about music,

I learned from a compendium download from iTunes. He'll probably have an advert from Spotify coming on. And then he'd probably get a call. Yeah. He'll go, your girlfriend calling or something like that. It'll be like you're in there. Everyone's awkwardly dancing to war. What is it good for?

Mother. Yeah. Mother. I'm at a nightclub. I've made a friend with a DJ and he doesn't like me because I've forced him to put my phone on With Edwin Starr And never met a girl like you before No that's the wrong Edwin

I'm confused Mother Good God So that was your Tales from the Dance Floor No there is another one Should we say that until next week then? No I'll quickly just put it down here Oh God it's the same story

Someone comes up to you Here's my request you say no It does have that basic form Yeah, it's the same story. Someone comes up to you, here's my request you say no. It does have that basic form, but it's I just want to just... Alright, alright, go on. Also, last night this guy came up and he said, do you have a playlist?

A playlist, as in like a pre-planned organised list? Yeah, do you have a list of everything you've got? And I'm like, no. I'm like, no. I'm like, no, I'm playing vinyls, you know. He goes, oh yeah, no, I know. I've got, I love vinyls. Oh yeah, vinyls are great. Yeah, my dad has

original Beatles records. It's like, why can't people get it through their stupid fucking head? The Beatles are one of the biggest selling acts of all time. Yeah. Your dad's Beatles records are worth exactly jack shit. Do you know what I mean? Oh, wow.

He liked the Beatles, did he? Wow. What a fucking renegade. Well, he bought a repressing in 1978 of a soul. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's worth a lot, though. Yeah, it's not worth jack shit, you idiot. Anyway.

Is it signed by top price? Yeah, it's got a barcode on it. Fucking hell. Anyway. Yeah. And then he's like he keeps pressing me for this sort of list. Yeah. The list, like I've got a whole list of every record I've owned. For what purpose? Because he starts this conversation by going, oh, can I make a request?

And so I, in my, you know, wisdom, think he has a tune in mind. That's usually what happens, isn't it? You know, it varies, but yeah. If you're going to make a request, you have a request. Can you make faster? Yeah, exactly.

So, I go, no, I don't have a list. And he's like, well, maybe some Beatles. Hang on, did you say it like this? Did you say, no, I don't have a list? Or did it come out as, no, I don't have a list. No, I just went, look, I've got vinyls. And then he tells a story about his dad's Beatles. Anyway.

And so, but he was quite, you know, this guy wasn't moody. He was in an, you know, he was like, if you can play some Beatles, that'd be great. So, you know, it was fine. It was a nice, it was a positive encounter. Right. But I just think it demonstrates, you know, with all of the technology we have today, people have this sort of entitlement to curate. Everyone curates their own media sphere, don't they?

They make their own playlists. Have their own channels of where they watch this, that and the other. Exactly. So they can't deal with someone else making the decisions for them in a club. He literally had to. He didn't have a request. He just wanted to have some input. Into the night.

Into the vibe of the night. It gets me. To walk away and go... It's not like I want to hear that tune because that's my favourite tune. I want him to play my tune, that tune. I just want to have some kind of interactive thing going on with you.

And do you think what happens is his song finally gets played and everyone goes, oh, and the mood changes in the club. And he goes, who recommended that? And he goes, that was me who asked for

Lady Madonna by the Beatles. That was me. I changed the vibe with this night. Come back to my place. We will have a sobbing contest. Anyway, that is the end of my extended and slightly tetchy Tales of the Dancefloor. More of the same next time. Thank you.

Right. So people may know who listened to the Cheap Show podcast. People may know who listen to the Cheap Show podcast. People may know who listen to the Cheap Show podcast. I haven't finished the sentence yet. Just try that again. No, there's nothing wrong with it. You just didn't let me finish the fucking sentence. It automatically makes sense.

Like you do sometimes when you say floor, floor, floor. What do you mean floor? Floor. What are you talking about? When you said Tasman the Dance floor, floor, floor, floor. And then you wouldn't let me start. Oh, yeah yeah fair point. Now I've forgotten

my point. Yeah just start again. Alright. So those who listen to the podcast the Cheap Show podcast this very podcast may be aware that

Eli and I help out on a YouTube channel called Barshans. And Barshans is a joint entertainment channel on YouTube hosted by Barry Lewis

from a channel called My Virgin Kitchen and Stuart Ashen who has a channel called My Virgin Kitchen and Stuart Ashen who has a channel called Ashen's on his YouTube channel and they got together for a mega channel called Barshen's. It's a super group channel. It's the Led Zeppelin of YouTube channels. I was trying to think of a reference and I'm glad

you got it. Thank you. I wouldn't have thought of anything. I would have thought of Stars on 45 Remix or something. They weren't a group. No, they were just session players. That's a weird thing. Yeah, it was. Anyway, we help out on that. Eli's sometimes in it and I produce it. And as a result, we've got a

little bit of, a tiny smidgen of a following from that audience to this. Okay? And we welcome that smidgen. And we welcome it. We appreciate that. Maybe we're a bit too rude for the average Barshan's audience. Maybe a bit too risque with our fruity language. Get used to it.

Bosoms. Grandad. Yeah, get with it, daddy-o. Heaving buzz-buzz. Heaving clout. Clout? That was a northern expression for a lady's part. A clout?

A clout. Oh, that's disgusting. I rammed it up a clout. Oh. Gross. Anyway, the point being is that Eli's now... She had the it up a clout. Oh, gross. Anyway, the point being is that Eli... She had the right chubby clout. Oh, dear.

Anyway, I was going to say, yeah, so what happens now is Eli has appeared in some of these videos, mostly in the cosplay, the poor man's cosplay. Yes. Right. I model the poor man's cosplay. Yeah. cosplay. Yes. Right. I model the poor man's cosplay.

Yeah, the idea being is that for a budget of simple pounds you can recreate any kind of cosplay for, you know, a comic con. And you've done the Stormtrooper in the past. Stormtrooper was good. You did Where's Wally. Where's Wally. We've got a few coming up which you won't spoil here. Okay. But we've got a few others

coming up, haven't we, of that. What's nice though is now that i read the comments uh just how many talk about you oh really so do you want me to read a few of the comments out about this uh right okay so um let me just scroll down and see what we can find off so this these comments are coming from the uh where's wally cosplay video first of all first comment by a guy called ian lucas the says, Eli deserves a raise putting up with you pair of loonies. Fair enough. Yeah.

You know, you are a bit debased. When you say a raise, something. Well, yeah, because that's what I put underneath. I put a comment saying, Eli gets exactly what he deserves, nothing. So that's that. Test, I can't pronounce this. It's Testaja, T-E-S-T-A-A-J-A.

Aja. Anyway. Testaja. They've simply put the phrase, more Eli, he's the coolest. That's fucking right. You're not, though. Well, uh. You're not cool.

I am. We've had this discussion before. No, we haven't. We have. Out of us two, which one's the coolest? Me. No. Come on.

How are you cool? Just by being who I am, man. Explain me. Give me three qualities that you have that express how cool you are. Three qualities that you think suggest how cool you are. Well, if you have to describe it, then you ain't got it, baby. For idiots like me, give me three examples that you think that build up your character, that make you cool.

I would argue, if you can't think of any which obviously you're struggling anything that makes you cool yeah come on then my hip style bullshit my trendy hip style that's one that's not true my devil may care attitude you do not have a devil may care attitude i do i am anxiety ridden worrying attitude same difference devil may care anxiety care. Anxiety, same difference. And three, I'm hung like a fucking big dick thing. Oh, you've got an argument winning dick. Yeah. Compared to yours, when you flop it out and it looks like someone's put

a matchstick on the table. Me, when I get mine out, it's like someone's brought a bag of draft excluders. Get it right. If I put it on the table, it looks like some kind of prehistoric bird beak. Resting on two hacky sacks. On two olden hacky sacks.

Michael Vaughan said on this channel, if he doesn't already, Eli will probably soon have his own YouTube account. Don't know what he'd do, but it would be fascinating. And I wrote back, judging by my work history with Eli, I doubt he'll be asked to do anything on YouTube. I can barely get him to turn up to our podcast. Well, here I am. Yeah.

Turned up to your podcast. And I don't want to give too much away. Yeah. But there's something I can't really say too much for contractual reasons. What about in general? Give me a hint. Along the lines of what that guy was talking about. Oh, I see.

Spoilers for a future Barshens episode. Not a Barshens episode. No? This is an actual channel. Oh, I know what you mean. Shut up. That doesn't count. It's just a cheap gag.

He looks like he's dressed up as someone from a Dr. Seuss book. I get that because it's a bit of a weird character. Azriel Darko says, sexy Eli. Someone needs to start a fan club. Yeah, is that a lady? I hope so. There's no Yeah, is that a lady? I hope so. There's no guarantees. Is it a lady?

Do you want me to check out the profile? Yeah. I'm opening another link. I'm opening my fly. No, he's a hard rocker. And nearly every video on his playlist involves, like, bloodstain heavy rock. Yeah. See, cool.

Yeah? Cool. Okay, get with it. Eli needs a raise then someone else put underneath it no, he's just short that's all.

I tire. Sampler 19 Is Eli alright? That tape looked pretty tight like interrupting the blood flow type. Was it in the Waldo thing? It was quite interrupting

the blood flow type, yeah. Where specifically? To the arms. Right. Grant says, Eli kind of reminds me of Manny from Black Books. Which is whose character? Bill Bailey's character.

Yeah, I've had that before. Actually, you are a bit of a cross between Bill Bailey's character and Irish comedian who's in that show. What's his name? Dermot? No. Who's the guy in Black Books?

Dylan Moran. Dylan Moran. Yeah, you look like him as well. A cross between him and Dylan Moran. And Bill Baileyan and Bill Bailey and Bill Bailey this is all this is all great

that isn't Wally he looks like Bob Hoskins as Smee from Hook alright that's not a bad one I'm going to quote that yeah someone said

Eli would look great as a poor man's My Little Pony mate now they're getting pervy that's obviously a brony isn't it yeah it's a little bit he's a dirty brony

and he wants to see me in trestles. Someone called Gia Aro says, Oh, man, that dwarf is so adorable. I want to sing songs like in the Hobbit movies. Whoa. I don't like this bottom half of the internet stuff. Oh, I love it. What else?

There's another one in here somewhere. That dwarf. How dare he? Not only insulting to me, it's insulting to actual dwarfs. Yeah, well, you know, you're in the same... What?

Ring pool. Here's one. Except no substitutions, simply says, British Danny DeVito. Yes! Yeah, you are a bit like Frank. You're grotty.

Yeah. And you fucking eat cat food out of a tin. This is my ego. I'm not going to be able to leave the room. My head is expanded so much. Some guy says, bless that man for putting up with this for our amusement.

You should congratulate him on his amazing moustache. Mate, everything. Make a copy of this, and I'll, you know, take it to my next job interview. Really? You're going to read out YouTube comments as proof of your acting capabilities?

Okay, here's someone, here's someone who's put a bit of effort into this one. It's a bit of a rambling story, but One Life Zero Continues says, behind the scenes Eli once rescued Stuart after a unreleased Poundland special went horribly wrong, and the ritualistic burning of Tat was considered a blood sacrifice

that brought back the eldritch known only as Kimmy into our world. Stuart was driven mad and sat gibbering on the floor whilst Kimmy lay waste to Norwich, stopped only by Eli and his fantastic hair. Stuart could only pay Eli back in the only way he knew how, by including him in his videos. Being such a chill guy, Eli is happy to be Stuart's butt monkey.

As he knows, he only has to mention the name Kimmy and Stuart will fall to pieces. What? That's in my head canon anyway. That's the equivalent of shipping. As he knows, he only has to mention the name Kimmy and Stuart will fall to pieces. What? That's in my head canon anyway. That's the equivalent of shipping. That's like some fanfic fucking shit. Yeah.

Isn't it? Isn't it? You've become part of internet fanfiction. To be fair, I've seen stories go much worse where it's like, and then Eli takes Stuart in his mouth. No, he doesn't. No, I've not seen it, but I can imagine it would be like. You can imagine it? What?

While you're lying there alone at night, you imagine it? Rubbing my fucking trumpet. That's not fanfic. What weird convoluted fantasy that is. Calm down. You lying there, thinking about someone else, writing dirty stories about me and Stuart. It's protracted and very meta, but it still works.

I sit there rubbing my meat trumpet as I'm thinking about you. Meat trumpet. Are you crying and being cradled by Stuart after romantic tryst? Is that the end of the comments? I don't know. I'm looking through the last of them. No, there's only a few there. Okay, I'll end with this one.

Liam Flanagan says, aw, he looks like a homeless man. So there you go. If you want to listen to, if you want to see more Eli, he's coming up on the Bartians channel more often than not these days, aren't you? I certainly am.

You've got your little fan hook. You need to watch your back, boy. I'm just a producer. I don't need to be. Yeah, but I might fucking oust you there as well. Yeah, really? Yeah. Because then you can't fucking organise a fart in a jacuzzi.

I can organise a fart in a jacuzzi. No, you couldn't. Yes, I'll take you through it. Go to jacuzzi. Yeah. Put bum in jacuzzi. Farts. Right.

There, I've got a little itinerary there. Yeah, it's good. Do not follow through notes you never follow through on the stuff you fucking do how come we just get all nasty immediately it just gets nasty

meat trumpet farting in saunas jacuzzis whatever farting in a sauna can't be the best thing in the world no oh

all that dense thick air. Yeah. You literally chew on it. You could chew on my grantees. Oh, God. I've got a cough. Anyway.

You need to inhale some sublutamol or something. I'm going to do that right now. But first of all, I just wanted to say that, yeah, Boshans every Friday on YouTube. Weird tatting games and challenges and food games and all kinds of stuff. And Eli's on it and I produce it. So, you know, enjoy that. At Barsians.

Ladies and gentlemen, put down your pencils, take off your glasses, relax the belt on your trousers, and prepare to receive another instalment of The Price of Shite. It's The Price of Shite, everybody. Have you got a new jingle for it this time? Well, you know what I thought on the jingle? Yeah. I thought, you know like McDonald's is just like... And then you know. I love it. love it yeah yeah we need something like that a mini one of their they're called something in the sting they're called a sting or something like that i think

yeah it's like a mini thing so i've condensed the jingle into this oh it's a fucking price of and that's right okay that's it no uh i see you're getting at, but it does need a kind of... And that's right. Yeah. And that's right. That's good. Yeah? We'll go with that, yeah?

So now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the price of shite. And that's right. Okay, good. Yeah? Item number one. Ooh. And you get extra points for identifying the use of this object. It is...

Yeah. Mini owl bowl container. I'm sorry. Make that into a sentence and try again. It's a what? It's a ceramic owl mini thimble size, slightly larger than a thimble, ceramic container. Is that what it was on the sticker?

Is that what they wrote on the sticker when you bought it? They didn't write anything on the sticker, just the price, which you need to guess. But yeah, it's an owl ceramic. It's a small ceramic owl shaped container.

But it is very small, isn't it? It's very small. Let's have a look at that. Yeah. Is it ceramic? Yeah, I guess it is. Yeah, it's ceramic.

It's a little owl. I mean, it's nice. I like it. It's quite nice, isn't it? It's quite a nice finish on it. They've glazed it. Yeah, it's obviously because it's a little owl. I mean, it's nice. I like it. It's quite nice, isn't it? It's quite a nice finish on it. They've glazed it. Yeah, it's obviously because it's a brown glaze and it's got eyes. It's got the owl's eyes

on there. Definitely an owl. Do you think this has been glazed in a furnace, like properly? Yes, it's been a kiln glazed. It's quite thin, isn't it? It's quite delicate. But, the size, it's not a shot glass, is it? It's too small for a shot glass. Oh no, it's way too it's not a shot glass, is it? It's too small for a shot glass. Oh no,

it's way too much to be a shot glass, but it has a very, very, it's, it's, it's, it's not a thimble either, is it?

No, it could, no, it's too flat. It needs, it needs to have dimples. It's got a flat bottom, it can't be a thimble.

No. It has no use. It really does. It's a purely, purely ornamental ceramic container. You know, I always accuse you of buying stuff for the price of shite that you want.

Which is, you know, fair enough. It's not. It's indefensible, in the same way as Brexit, but... Oh, let's get topical with a podcast that will be nothing years from now. They'll know. Yes, but I do actually quite like this, because this is just the right size

to go on my shelves of tat. I don't know what it's for. I would argue... It's weird, because if it was going to be a lid to something, it would go upside down. Therefore, the owl design would be ridiculous. You know? Oh, yeah. It could be like a bottle stopper or something.

No. Do you actually know what the answer is to this? I do not know. Oh. No one told me. It was just there. Paper clips? Put little paper clips in?

It is just a very small container. It is just a very small container. It's a very small owl themed container. It's a small owl. It's all it is. That's all it is. It just a very small container. It is just a very small container. It's a very small owl-themed container. It's a small owl. It's all it is. That's all it is. It's a small owl container. Stop trying to delay the point where you have to tell me what's the price of this shite? What's the price of this shite

now, Paul? I really want to know. I'm going to guess that that wasn't all that much. Well, it is Cheap Show. Obviously, but even within Cheap Show's parameters, I'm going to say that is 35p. 35p, that's your first guess? Yeah, I'm going to write that down, 35p owl.

Okay. 35p owl. That's our first item, the owl. 35p owl. And of course you can't see... Can you put a pencil in it? I mean, you could, but it would over-tip it. It looks like it's going to over-tip it.

Two pens in that. If you put more than one pencil in it, it's, you could, but it would over-tip it. It looks like it's going to over-tip it. If you put more than one pencil in it, it's coming straight over. It really is a completely useless piece of shite. That's the way we like it. That's the way we only want it on this show. Okay. Well, having said that, here is an item with no

use, and we go to a very pragmatic, very usable, very usable item. Dependable. This is Galley Brand Waiter's Friend. Right. Oh, it's a... It's a bottle opener. It's a bottle opener.

Why did you say fucking bottle opener? Well, it's because it's branded Waiter's Friend. Oh. It's not just a bottle opener, Paul. Yeah. This is... A Waiter's Friend. It's a Waiter's Friend.

But doesn't that sound like a euphemism for something? You know, have you heard about Gary? Yeah, he's a... Let me just put it this way. He's a waiter's friend. Oh, alright, yeah. Don't mention it to him. I think he's sensitive about it, but

that's what I've heard anyway. Yes, anyway, so, if anyone's got a good euphemism for what a waiter's friend would be, please let us know. But it is just a... I'm taking this off now. Look, the good thing about this is they've upcycled it. Yeah. They've got a little twizzers. A little

bag tie and they've reattached it to the original card. The galley card which will affect the price. You think it's going to affect the price? Well, you know, if you're buying Star Wars figures, if they're fresh on card, new as on card, it does affect the price, doesn't it? But there are a lot of creases and folds to that card.

It's a bit battered. Yes, but it is the original piece, isn't it? That is true. And for a collector, Paul, that's very important. All right. I get it. If you were collecting, you'd like to know that this is a galley brand. It's a waiter's friend.

It's a lovely item. So the waiter's friend there. And of course, the waiter's... Let me just get it. I can't get it. I can't get it. I can't get it out of the cart. Don't damage the box, it'll ruin the price. It's alright, I bought it now. So, of course you've got the corkscrew. Yeah.

You've got the bottle opener. Yeah. And also a little blade. Now the blade is for cutting the throat of the customer when he insults your religion. Oh, is that what that's for? I didn't know waiters... Stab in the eye.

Yeah, an eye-stabbing tool. When you just can't take any more... Of their shit. Of their... They're talking down to you. Excuse me. You know the ham and pea thawp? Can I have it without the ham, please?

Where's my waiter's friend? I'm going to stab his eyes out. Fucking asking a pea and a period soup again. Ask again. Ask again. It's the Rosen. Right, yeah. So, a little blade there.

Okay, so it's got three tools in one. Yeah. It's not just a corkscrew. No. It's a waiter's friend. And it's Galley brand. Yeah. There's no date on it, but...

Why? Do you think it's got a sell-by? Well, you'd just like to know the vintage of these items, don't you? Dishwasher safe. Again, it might affect the price. Dishwasher safe. I wouldn't put it in a microwave. But why would you?

Unless you were cooking something very small on the end of the corkscrew. Perhaps a tiny cocktail sausage. You still wouldn't use the microwave for that job, though. It's a bit overkill. So, don't put it in the microwave. And a little background on the company. Yeah, please do. We've got on the back in the microwave. And a little background on the company. Yeah, please do. We've got on the back of the card,

this new as-on card. Yeah. Galley Homewares Limited, London, NW9. So, London boys. So that's like Walthamstow or something. Buy British, yeah? Yeah. Buy your waiter's friends,

British made, Galley Homewares, London, NW9. Yeah, no, not Walthamstow. More like Wembley way. Oh, yeah. I'm getting confused with the direction out there

out those ways so I'm going to need a price for that oh well I'm going to have to go and guess and say it's a nice piece of kit it's a on the card remember

yeah on the card yeah I'm very aware of that now thank you I'm going to say that is straight up one pound okay

and now let's have our third and final piece of shine, ladies and gentlemen. Excellent. Now, for this price of shine, it was unpriced in the shop. Unpriced? Yes.

I bought these all from Raise My Voice Foundation, which meant that the lady who was in the store had to sort of make the price up on the spot. So bear in mind. She gave it a look and went, that's about it. Yeah. Okay. This is, see, this also has got a bit of a mystery purpose.

So I'm just going to hand it over to you, Paul. We'll do this a bit differently. I'm going to hand it over to you, and you just describe, say what you see. Okay. It's a small penis with warts along the ridge of it. No, no, no, no. That's the wrong thing. This thing.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Leather. It's a tiny little leather it. No, no, no, no. That's the wrong thing. This thing. Oh, okay. Sorry. Leather. It's a tiny little leather square. On the bottom, it's flat. On the top, it's segmented into four triangles with a gold, I imagine, leaf kind of pressing pattern. It is. When you pull it, it unfolds out like one of those things at school.

You know, the whole thing used to go. Who were you, Mary? Yeah. Say one or two or three or four. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a shit. Yeah, that's the one. Do you remember those?

Yeah, I do. What were they called? I can't remember. Decision makers or something. You fancy... Choose blue, red, green or yellow. Green. You are a poo head.

Ah! So it is a bit like one of those. Yeah. And then you pull it and it all folds out. As you pull the top out, it folds out into a little boxoid shape. Yes, and then what do you do with that? Well, do you know what I think it is, actually? I genuinely think it is.

I think it's a purse. Yeah, that's right. I think you put change in it. Yeah, coin purse. Coin purse, put a change in, and then it goes, pull it, and it folds back and there's a little... Shall we try? Yeah.

I'm going to get a coin out. Let's try this. Ladies and gentlemen, you won't believe this, but Eli has money in his pocket. That's big news. That's the biggest news story you're going to hear in this section. It's 2p. All right.

Okay. See if this works as a coin purse. So you've opened it out. I've opened it out. I've got two coins here, two pennies, two British one penny pieces. For how long? I'm just going to put them in. Right.

It's in there. Look at that. It works perfect. And the money won't fall out if it's in your pocket. That's good, that, isn't it? Yeah. So that is quite practical. Okay, so we want the coin purse.

See, that's a nice little bit of objet d'art. You like that, yeah? That is a really nice bit of objet. That's your favourite piece today, you'd say? Yeah, I would argue that it would be. Your decorative coin purse there. I'm going to go ahead and say two quid. Okay, so let's

go back from the start, see how you did, Paul. Now, I've had an idea as well. We need to keep a score, because when you get the shite next time, I'll try and beat your score. Okay. So we'll just add up all of the difference into one amount.

The problem is, what if I pay for more expensive stuff than you in one week? The difference will be greater if you're wrong. So it won't be fair. No, no, no. This is why we can't do rules on this fucking show. Every time we come up with rules, it's like, no, that won't work. It will work. It won't.

It's a start. All right, okay. So you're going to record the difference now. So it has to be point system, like two points if you spot on, one point if you're within 50p, zero if you get it completely out of that. Okay. And that way, at least there's points for being close or whatever. Yes, you've invented another layer of rules there.

Is that all right, though? Are these acceptable to fucking King Eli Taskmaster? Yes. Taskmaster agrees. Right, good. Okay, so our first item. I bet you've agreed because you know I'm completely out, so therefore I'm not going to get any points. Well, no, you haven't done too badly this week. Oh, all Right, good. Okay, so our first item. I bet you've agreed because, you know, I'm completely out to this. I'm not going to get any points.

Well, no, you haven't done too badly this week. Oh, all right, cool. So, the mystery owl goblet. Yeah. It's probably some kind of occult item with a great deal of magic. Maybe. It might conjure demons. It probably does conjure the owl demon.

Demon. Known as... Blart. Paul Blart Malkoff. Why is that funny? That's not funny. It's not funny at all. I know, it made me laugh.

It's not just stupid fucking words. Yeah. So... The owl. The owl goblet. Yeah. You said... I said...

35p. One pound. What? Way out. Really was. It's ceramic, mate. Yeah, but it's tiny. You can't charge 35p.

Nothing costs 35p. I thought that might have. Nothing. That spoon, actually. That was alright. No, that was's tiny. You can't charge 35p. Nothing costs 35p. I thought that might have. Nothing. That spoon, actually. That was alright. That was 50p, that spoon. Still, though, 50p? That was made of purest nickel or something. Port Sunlight. I don't know what it was. So, the owl

was a quid. No points there for me. But, I do gain an owl. Now, moving on to... Isn't that always the way it should go? No matter what happens, at least you can walk away plus one owl. Yes, I'm an owl up. So let's move on to our... See, now I doubt that I've got the rest of the prices right, because if that was a pound, then that can't be a pound.

You've said what you've said. I know. What did you say for the galley? I said a quid for that. Waiter's friend. It was £1.50. Flat quid. £1.50.

Point. you get a point all right waiters friend one point all right so i've got one point and out of a possible four so far now your favorite item yes the uh square coin which i can remind you the lady just came up with the price out of plucked it out of thin air just plopped it and you said two pounds our survey said it wasn't a survey, but I just feel like saying that. Two pounds. Oh, I'm on. You're dead on there. It's very well done.

It was your favourite item, and you also did right by it, by getting the price extremely right. I'm very happy with that. Very, very happy. It's a good result for you there, Paul. Very good result. So, out of a possible six points, I've got three. Yeah. Four. No.

Three. Three overall. I was counting up wrong, but yeah, three overall. Well done. All right, good. And that's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. Thank you.

And that's right. I can't remember how the tune goes. I'll edit it in. Those who listened to our live show last episode we went to MCM and VidFest I can't say it again VidFest

Let me start again I'll say it Anything you want me to say I can say You just pause and I'll say VidFest Alright VidFest

Fuck you So VidFest Now I know how it feels. Dick. Oh, the pain. Right, come on. Right, okay.

So those who listened to the last episode of Cheap Show that we did live at MCM and... VidFest. Thank you. Will know that one of the things I got for the price of shite was this. A best of the 80s looking annual. So it's basically a reprint of a bunch of crap that came in the 80s. It's a nostalgia

trip. It's a nostalgia trip. Yeah, and it's a big annual full of things that were popular in the 80s that was covered by the magazine Look In. When do you think

Look In finished publishing? I can actually tell you we've got all this news and stuff here if you want to know a bit more about it. I'd like to know if it survived the 80s.

I think it probably did go into the early 90s. Spoilers, it did. Right. But not far deep into it. So basically, I remember growing up with Looking Magazine

in the 80s. I do vividly. It was the magazine I'd always get at the newsagents. I would ask the newsagents to put a copy on the tape

and get it and pick it up. Was it like a cobbled street you walked down? No. The smell of freshly baked bread? No, it was like an estate

with like young'uns cutting up children. Right. And so like, explain Looking because it was like an estate with like young'uns cutting up children. Right. Cutting up old ladies. And so like, explain Looking because I was like much more metropolitan than you. I was a little provincial.

I had Spider-Man comics and things like that. Looking Magazine basically is a children's magazine based on ITV programming in the United Kingdom. Right, so it had... It was like a junior TV Times.

It had some listings. It had the TV Times in it. It had the listings. Just for the children's section of the programming of that day, so the CITV stuff. Just on that day? Yeah. No.

That week? That week's programming, but just for CITV, just for that channel. You know, the couple of hours of a day that ITV gave to kids' shows, right? Usually between like 3 and 5 in the afternoon. Yes. The magazine ran from January 9th, 1971, so well before my time, and it lasted until the 12th of March, 1994.

Okay. So, you know. That's quite a long run. Quite a long run. 71, wow. Yeah. And I had loads of these magazines

because I would obviously get them every week. And when I moved to Southampton, my mum went, here's a bunch of shit, get out of our attic. Yeah.

And in one of those boxes was this stash of looking magazines that I've got in front of us right now. It's a bunch of shit get out of our attic and in one of those boxes was this stash of looking magazines that I've got in front of us right now it's a real treasure trove I've got

I had way more of these than I thought and I think I've still got tons of these back home so I just thought we'd go through looking magazine and have a little look

in some of the things I'll give a bit of background more to people listening from outside the UK who might not have either been alive when the magazine was out

because I can imagine some people listening to this were quite young and don't know what looking magazine is or or what a magazine is or what paper is they just don't know it's all digital on my iPads and our tablarts and stuff on our surfaces um here's what Wikipedia has to say about the format of looking magazine looking had interviews crosswords competitions and it had pictures and pinups of TV stars and pop idols of the time. It also featured quite a lot of comic strips based on kids' TV shows,

all of which being shown on the ITV network at the time. When the magazine began publication, it was edited by a guy called Alan Fennell, no relation to The Herb, and some strips were written by Angus Allen. Lots of people changed hands. The covers interestingly in the

70s were paintings by a guy called Arnaldo Puzo. Right and they were like oh I love that. And here's the thing he was an

Italian working in London who created cinema posts in the 1960s including designs for the carry-on films. And so his art for the very early 70s

like if you look at the beginning of this magazine, you can see how a lot of the people are drawn on the front. Yeah, I love that. That's all by Putsu. Isn't it? It's great. It's just all gone, that whole approach to magazines.

Where they'd actually do a hand-drawn picture of a celebrity or TV character. Anything from You know Tom Baker To Wurzel Gummidge To Adam Ant To Madness

It says here On Lucky Magazine Cover It says Madness make a film With big set report Did Madness ever make a movie Or a film of any kind

They were very big Madness They were But I don't remember Them making a movie I need to look this up They made videos Didn't they

When they were all Sort of all up Each other's arses, walking along. Now, you're confusing that with the film Society. No. You know, they're all walking along. Hang on. Apparently, there is a movie.

What's it called? Take It or Leave It. Made in 1981. Budget was £400,000. Music compiled by Madness. From humble beginnings as a British pop band, the group Madness become an international pop sensation. So it's the story of them becoming a pop sensation.

It's like the Madness story starring Madness. Yeah. I'd never heard of this before. We must view this. The film traces the band's history from pub gigs to hitmakers and we're the first time fans can actually buy the accompanying soundtrack. This is from the Guardian article in 2013. Directed by Dave Robinson, the owner of Madness' original label,

Take It or Leave It coincided with the release of the band's third album, Seven, and incorporated songs from their earlier two records. What? Their third album was called Seven? Yeah. That's stupid, isn't it? 1981. It's a mixture of documentary and drama following the ska pop band as they gamble around Camden,

tracing their history from pub band to hit makers and their first overseas tour. It contains the songs such as Baggy Trousers, The Prince, and live cuts B-Sides, and one song, Sunshine Voice, which has never appeared on record. Ah. I never knew that existed. You never knew that. Until right now. Thanks, Looking Magazine.

Oh. Now I know. So, anyway, so, yeah, there's the artwork that was done. It covered... Okay, so here's the great thing. It was primarily a TV magazine. Also featured articles on sport. Some were written by Brian Moore. Football, I think.

Yes. DJ, Ed Stewart, was a regular face in Looking Magazine. He was the one who was called Stewpot. Stewpot, yeah. Stewpot, yeah. Has he been... No, hang on. Has he been... What? You trade. Shall we look before we go any further? Yeah, let's not.

Because isn't it sad we live in a time now where it's like we can't even make fun of a DJ from the 70s on the off chance he had full cockage in a five-year-old. Oh, full cockage. No, I think Stu Pot's all right. It doesn't say anything outwardly that he fucked kids. I can confirm, though, he did die at the age of 74 in 2016 of this year. Yes, I actually remember hearing about that.

In Bournemouth. Okay, well, let's just have a moment and just say... Just out of interest, in February this year, there was an hour-long tribute presented by Annika Rice. So, and he used to be in Luke in a lot yeah he used to run he ran a page

on that magazine called Stu Potts News Desk which ran until 1980 right there was cartoon strips in there as well what Luke in would do was they'd do cartoon strips

of like pop groups and TV shows and cartoons TV shows I can see here there's the five star five star rain or shine

it's you and me. They were huge. I didn't know they were British until much later. Systematic. Do, do, do, do, do. I never can get enough. Oh, oh, system. Oh, we're down nostalgia lane here, aren't we?

Just a little bit. So they had, it's a bit racy He's five star at the swimming pool In this one What Oh dear Didn't they all take Tons of cocaine in the end

And like split up He's dreaming of a fish Is that the punchline To that whole strip Basically yeah Wow There was a load of He's drinking like a fish

He's drinking tea Anyway Over the course of it's like What 25, 30 year history The picture strips The comic bits we're reading now, cover TV and music. Some of the cartoons made sense that they had in there. Like, for instance, they had Cat Weasel, Bionic Woman.

They had Logan's Run, Dick Turpin, Knight Rider. Logan's Run, was that a TV show as well as a movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weird, isn't it? Chips, Wurzel Gummidge, Battlestar Galactica. I used to love Chips. I was into't it? Chips. Wurzel Gummidge, Battlestar Galactica. I used to love Chips. I was into Chips. Chips and Wurzel Gummidge.

They were my two favourites. Really? That's an odd selection, isn't it? The California Highway Police. And a scary living scarecrow. A guy who can change his heads. A creepy... Blah, blah, blah.

Sally. I don't know. It always used to creep me out, that. You didn't like it? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That was the theme, wasn't creep me out, that. You didn't like it? That was the theme, wasn't it? What, if I only had a brain song? No, no, no, no.

Let me look for it now. I'll play it. Wurzel Gummidge. But he released it as a single I seem to remember. Wurzel's song. I'll play a little bit of it now, actually. Hang about, my dears. Won't keep you but a minute.

I'm putting me singing head on, you see. Can't sing without me singing head on, can I? That's it. Off we go. Till Mother Nature ends I'll be Wurzel to my friends And just like John and Sue You must speak my language too Not Yackety, if you please

You must speak in Wurzelese You put a Wur after W And a Wur after O You put a Wur after R And it's away we go Put a Wur after Z And put a Wur after and put a W after E a W

after L a Z after W and you're with me horrible horrible absolutely horrible

not very memorable no doesn't stick out but I used to like that show yeah that's fair enough I used to like that show but also they had comic strips

based on weirdly On The Buses On The Buses is one of the most weirdly awkwardly sexualised sitcoms about dirty old men

who are on the buses channel little folly girls yeah dolly girls dolly dolly girls yeah

Hot Doctor At Large was another one Hot Doctor At Large not Hot Doctor at Large was another one. Hot Doctor at Large? Not the Hot Doctor at Large. That's a different show altogether. Please, sir. Remember that?

That was an extremely racist one, yeah? No, that was Mind Your Language. Right, yeah. It was like a guy teaching English to a bunch of

English. Let's all get racist now. Oi. Kung Fu. Man About the House. The Benny Hill page. There was a Benny Hill comic strip. Did everyone slapping the little bald man?

I can find out for you now. It just says the Benny Hill show. I just don't want to read about Benny Hill right now. Is that all right? Fine. I don't want to. But also, there was a lot of music bands that were turned into comic book strips. So, Five Star, as we've touched on there.

Madness. Beatles, Elvis Presley, Bross, Kylie and Jason, and miscellaneous, the Smurfs. There's also a thing they had that when they were young, which was like the life story of certain celebrities, right? And what I love about this is in the looking annual that I've got here, the best of, it has the story so far of the Crankies. Now, people in the UK might know what the Crankies were. A double act of a guy

and his naughty, naughty, naughty Scottish little naughty boy. Who was? The guy's wife and real wife. The guy's actual wife. Jeanette Cranky. Jeanette Cranky. They're still going.

They're still going. If you want to do any research on the Crankies, especially their social life, I highly recommend it. Simply down to the fact that it's creepy as fuck. And they swing their little tushies off. Oh, God, they do it.

They were heavy swinging. Supposedly, one of the stories is, after some panto, Jeanette Crankie, who we need to point out, Jeanette Crankie is a very, very, very small woman. Yes. She's not like, you know, what people would call a dwarf or whatever.

She's just a very small woman. Married to a guy who's, you know, very, very tall. Normal height. Yeah, regular height. Standard man. Yeah, average, standard Scottish height. And, you know, that in itself, thinking about them on stage and that double act and then going backstage and, you know,

noshing him off after a good gig. Come on. They must have at some point fucked while she was wearing that schoolboy uniform. I would have thought so, yeah. It's probably a prerequisite for him getting wood.

Backstage, yeah. At the... God. Put the fucking costume on. I can't get it on. Pretend you're a child. Oh, God. Anyway, the point being is apparently after one episode I can't get it up pretend you're a child oh god anyway the point being

is apparently after one episode after one this is why we can't share this show with Barshan's audience after one night at some gig

apparently Bobby Davro like entertainment impressionist wants to a note to Jimmy Cranky Jeanette Cranky sorry saying

why don't I ever get invited to your orgies and I was just like, ah, dirty. Dirty, Davro. Oh, God. Oh, no. So you've got the Crankys in there.

Wait, wait, wait. The Crankys on Mastermind. Do you want to hear it? There's a little, yeah, let's do this. This is the Crankys for those who don't know what they are. This is one of their sketches. So I think it's Jeanette Cranky as Little Cranky Jimmy Cranky on Mastermind

Notice there's no laughing in this sketch so far. You're shining a wee bit. You don't want to shine on the telly, do we? Don't bother me. Just carry on, Mingus. Well, here we are in the gothic splendours of Bessie Boot Bicycle Shed, and may our next contender please take the chair. This is awkward to watch, let alone listen to.

I said take the chair. Don't put that down, you stupid boy, in yourself. Your name, please. Auntie Maud. How do you do? Not your name, Auntie, my name. James Cranky, Esquire. And your chosen specialised subjects? Lumericks between 1876 and 1948,

General Knowledge between 1924 and 1946, and Ghostbusters between 1999 and 25 times 50. Mr. Cranky, you have one minute to answer questions on that wide variety of subjects starting... Now, where are the Andes? At the end of Maristis? Correct. What would you expect...

Fucking hell. Ancient chips? Oh, huh. Correct. Complete the following limerick. There was a young girl from Capri who did nothing all day but drink tea. Cup after cup after cup did she sup.

What do you think? What do you think? Then she did nothing but fucking wee. Wee. She slashed. Let's find out. Till she was dying to... Jimmy!

No, you can't say that. It's too rude to say wee. It's too rude to say the word wee-wee. It's a natural process. It's this kind of thing that makes it shameful. Let's see this through. What kind of flowers do frogs like? Crocus.

Correct. Now, if you had five pounds in one pocket and ten pounds in the other pocket and three pounds in the back pocket, what would you have? What do you think the punchline is? Shat myself. Can I have a guess?

Yeah. I've got someone else's trousers on. Right. Something like that. Yeah. All right, here we go. Somebody else's trousers on. I promise you I have not watched this clip.

Word for word. I promise you I've not watched this clip until right now as well. All right, here we go. Complete the following limerick. A man who was watching the telly developed an itch down his welly. It went up his arms,

his legs, feet and palms. And his cock was not half smelly. Because he had some kind of bacterial infection. Ow! I can't laugh because it hurts my back. Oh, God. Let's see what the answer was. Smelly. Something smelly.

And he ended up scratching his... Willie. Willie doesn't even sound like welly. Belly. Telly. Felly. Belly. But belly is not... isn't a rude word. So why did they cut it out? Maybe because she was meant to say fat cock end.

Maybe. Hang on, let's see this up to the end. At the end of that round, Mr. James Cranky, you have scored 136 points with no passes. Thank you very much. Marvelous, Jimmy. Absolutely marvelous. Hello. I'd love a go, you know.

I need to sit in your chair so... Fire away, Agnes! Now, you may be listening to that and think, what the fuck? It's not exactly up there with the two Ronnies mastermind sketches, is it? It looks like it's filmed on a stage, like with an audience that potentially should be watching it. But did you hear any laughter in that sketch? There was no laughter. Not even dubbed?

I don't know where it comes from. However, what I will say is, because our opinion will vary, underneath that in the video comments section on YouTube, it does say, Miranda Hall, we need more shows like this. It was great. I still laugh at it with my mates. Wow. Tame.

For balance, Brittany Roman of Hollander has simply written fucking pathetic underneath it. And then someone replied to that by saying, that's hard. It was a kid's show. Yeah, come on, Brittany. I remember watching this when I was a kid and found it funny as fuck.

I always found it deeply, deeply unsatisfying as a kid. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They come on, you think, oh no. Yeah.

You know? Oh no, I don't like this. I don't like it. This makes me feel dirty. Yeah. No, not dirty, just didn't like it. So, Lucky Magazine. Tons of stuff like that. You found, what have you found in your Lucky Magazine? What makes me feel dirty. Yeah. No, not dirty. I just didn't like it. So, Looking Magazine.

Tons of stuff like that. What have you found in your Looking Magazine? What makes me laugh, right? Yeah. What makes me laugh is you've got the letters page. Oh, yeah, the letters page. So, like Radio Times or TV Times, readers could have a right to reply and get in touch and say, this is our opinion on TV.

So, Looking Magazine had a section where kids could write in and voice their concerns or, you know, extol the virtues of a show that they like. Some of these kids got really opinionated as well. Oh, go on. Written by their mothers and fathers, probably. Yeah. Apparently, this little girl is 10. Right. And this is her letter.

I've noticed that the BBC's Wogan is getting incredibly boring. What's a 10-year-old watching Wogan for? You're 10, of course it's boring. It's just a bunch of beige things happening. They always have people who've just written a book or something. Why can't they have more well-known people? When Bruce Forsythe covered for Terry Wogan, I thought it was much better.

It's so 80s, isn't it? It really is. Okay. What really gets me is it's all these letters. Yeah. This is what gets me. The first letter, it says Sophie Howard-Jones, and then underneath it's got,

please send us your full address, Sophie. And then you've got Alison Dew. Oh, that's a fancy Dew. No, it says, please send us your full address. And then you've got Wogan Woe, which is the one I read out. You were so annoyed about Wogan, you forgot to send us your address, Alison. And then it's got here.

Let's have your full address, please, Verona. Underneath one of these. Getting more angry. At the end, they're like, we told you to send the fucking address,

you dicks. And that just reminds me, I always, all these letter pages in mags like that always was like, send us your address. Send us your address.

So we know exactly who to laugh at. If I got a letters page in this, I'm going to have a look. I bet it has. All these letter pages in mags like that always was like, send us your address, yeah? Send us your address. So we know exactly who to laugh at. Have I got a letters page in this? I'm going to have a look. I bet it has. Oh, yeah, there's one here. Please send us your address. Okay, so who's pissed off now?

Okay, 2chatty reads this letter by Thomas Cornett in Leith, and he simply says, I used to watch blockbusters all the time, but now I've stopped because Bob Holness chats too much and doesn't get on with the questions. Ooh, get on with the questions, Bob. Oh, dear. Did he send his address? Is there anyone in that whole issue who hasn't sent their address? No, so far they've all sent their address. Well, that's weird.

There's at least three people on this copy who didn't send their address. They must have got real tight on it and said, look, we're not going to... There must have been an issue where they said, look, this is the ultimatum. Yeah. If you on it and said, look, we're not going to, there must have been an issue where they said, look, this is the ultimatum. Yeah.

If you don't send your full address, we're not printing your fucking letter, you little shit. That man you've got has got a pop star called Spagna

on the back. Spagna. Do you remember her? Yeah, I know what the song is as well. Call Me. Remember that? She's like,

I'll find it for you. This was a big hit actually at the time. Do you remember this? I do. Hey. How long? How long? It was five inches. It's the average, you know.

Not. That is the average. Is it? Five sparrow beaks. You don't mention yours in hands. No, it's sparrow beaks. That's the international penis length measurement. Yes, I remember this one.

This is all right, isn't it? Nice bit of 80s dance. Just that production. That Stock Aitken and Walkman kind of thing. I think she may have been Stock Aitken and Walkman. Maybe. It's very likely. It's a very Stock Aitken and Walkman sort of thing. Call me. Call me.

Baby, baby, call me, yeah. Call me. Alright. Call me, yeah Call me Alright Call on me You get the gist of that So do you want to know a bit more about Spiderman? These days, you know what that song would be these days? What?

Snapchat me. Snapchat. Facebook me. Facebook comment me. Doesn't have the same ring to it. Hashtag groovy. It doesn't have the fucking same ring to it, does it? Fucking, yeah.

So, funnily enough, yeah, Lucky Magazine has Spania on the back cover. You can cut off the back page because it has all the facts about the person and keep it in a scrapbook. Oh, that's good. And they've got the little line for you to cut so you know where to cut down. Exactly, exactly. So you weren't ruining your magazine. Well, you are. You are essentially ruining it, but at least it's got a nice straight line.

So she was born in 1957, 16th of December, in Italy. She's a Sagittarius. Her hobbies include painting, playing the piano, and sleeping. Favourite singer, Stevie Wonder. Favourite drink, milk, because it's a kids' magazine. She couldn't go, white Russian! Dislikes people who don't like animals, likes animals, and would most like to meet...

Benny Hill! Are you joking? No! Benny Hill! Spania wants to meet Benny Hill. Now that would be something, wouldn't it? You'll never know if she got her dream. But yeah, I've loved going through these magazines and finding out all the weird...

Like, you've got the TV listings there on that page. What was on TV in that time? Tell us the year. This is a copy I've got from 20th December 1986. Okay. I was 11. Oh. And what do you want?

Channel 4 or TV AM or Yorkshire? You just give me a taste of what you want. Because it's all by region. Because look at this thing. Nowadays, we don't really have regions in the UK because it's all like

ITV1 and 2 but in the past it was Anglia, Borders, Central, They were all different separate companies, weren't they?

Part of the ITV network. Granada, HTV, London Weekend Television. On Yorkshire? Yeah. On Saturday? You've got number 73,

remember that? I do remember number 73. Hey you, get ready to get on your feet, get into gear and hit the street. Then you've got The Making of Santa Claus. The movie with John Lithgow and Dudley Moore.

Is that right? Yeah. That would have been right. That would have came out by then. You've got gymnastics. Awesome. The A-Team. Great.

Beatles About. What a great line-up. What a great line-up of TV. You are so nostalgic for the 80s. It's hard to believe. Well, not in a kind of I love it way. Just the kind of, oh, it's so bad, I love it. It's so bad.

Where are we? 1989, February. Pick a day. Saturday to Friday. Well, not in a kind of I love it way. Just the kind of, oh, it's so bad, I love it. It's so bad. Where are we? 1989, February. Pick a day. Saturday to Friday. What day do you want? I'd like Wednesday. Wednesday. Okay.

On Wednesday, you could watch at 4.20, Dog Tanyan and the Musker Hounds. Row, row, row, row, row, row, row. Row, row, row, row, row, row, row. That one. Young Charlie Chaplin. Was that a movie? No, it was a TV show, apparently.

Home and Away. This Is Your Life. And then Coronation Street. Kill Me. Kill Me Now. I Can't Stand It. Kill Me. Saturday, Motormouth was the in the mornings.

Chart Show. Athletics. Woof. I used to like the Chart Show. Yeah? Was that show where they had the videos and they just had little boxes popped up with text? I love that show. That's all you need.

You don't need some fucking DJs. You don't need them. Now it's Box Fizz with Wanga and... Yeah, so Lucky Magazine was a big part of my 80s. P.O.B.'s programme. P.O.B.? Yeah. Duh, duh, duh.

P.O.B. is disturbing. Look up P.O.B. everyone on the internet. What I will say before we end this section... Oh, look, there's a Walkman on the cover of this. Yeah, look at the back. Oh, look at this. Heinz Bean Street Kids branded Walkman that you could win. How good would that

be? That would be fucking wicked. Do you remember Heinz Bean Street Kids? What were that? Just a cartoon. I think that went with the advert for it. I remember, you used to get, every now and then on looking, you would get flexi-discs. Yes. Little vinyl things, but they were made of plastic or whatever it was. They are flexi discs yes your little vinyl things but they were made of you know plastic or whatever it was they are flexi discs i had one i've still got in up in an attic up in my house up north up in uh the jets crush on you do you remember that yeah you do

crush on you goes like that no but that was the i had two flexi discs in my time right one was that and the other was from the Care Bears comic book, which had a song from the movie. Two flexi discs that were all... How did that Care Bears song go? I can't remember. I really don't care as well, but I do remember this.

Whatever Happened to the Jets. They made this song and then... And that's it. It's pretty good, this. Pretty funky. made this song and then and that's it yeah it's pretty good this pretty funky they're nice i like that yeah cindy bass I spilt my slash on you. Anyway, just on balance,

Lucky Magazine dealt with the ITV networks, which for people outside of the UK were the commercialised channels that were paid for by adverts. The BBC had its own going live and things like that, but they had their own magazine. Which was not adverts. No, it was called Fast Forward. I do remember that. Fast Forward was the BBC equivalent.

I've got a copy of it here. And for some reason, they thought it was great to have Jonathan Morris from Sitcom Bread as their cover star. He was huge, wasn't he? He was for a bit. I've got a copy of it here. And for some reason, they thought it was great to have Jonathan Morris from sitcom Bread as their cover star. He was huge, wasn't he? He was for a bit. People fancied him. But he's got the wettest face

of an actor. You think of the weakest, meekest actor's face in the world and it is Jonathan. A watery chin. I'm going to be a poet. Yeah, it was awful. I fucking hate Bread.

I hated Bread. I hated Bread. He's dead now. I know. Good. No, not good, Paul. Yeah, it was awful. I fucking hate bread. I hated bread. I hated bread. Carla Lane's dead now. I know. Good. No, not good, Paul. You can't say that. She's a national treasure.

She's not a national treasure. Liver birds, possibly. Butterflies, okay. Bread, fucking stop it. Yeah. Do you know how growing up in the Northwest, and you've got people coming up and going, Lilo, Lil, here's a tart.

You, Billy Boswell. We're all on the dole, but we're fucking ripping off the state I hate you, Carla Lane I hate you so much, Carla Lane Oh right, God, I didn't realise There was this well of anger Anyway, so it was pretty much the same format

As Looking magazine Look at Grange Hill On the back, some sports information Does it have letters where they go If you don't send your fucking full address. Unlike looking, our patrons always give their address. Sometimes they're bank details too. The big number ones.

That's a page about Bruno Brooks. Not hitting Anthea Turner. It's the history of the charts, apparently. 1952, November 14th. The first ever charts were compiled. And you know who was the first number one? Go on. Monroe.

Something Monroe. No, it says here it was Al Martino. Oh, yeah, of course. I don't know who that is, though. He's right. I got it wrong. Sorry. It was Al Martino.

In 1987, the first single was released on CD to be sold. Who was the artist? First CD single? Yeah. Who was the artist, do you think? Give me a clue. He's a boring tantric sex twat. Sting. Yeah.

So there you go. There's that bread. There's a comic strip about bread. There's a comic strip of bread. Gotta get up gotta get out. Grab the wheel by the throat and shout. Fucking buy it, sell it, the game's getting hard. We're all scouters and we're ripping you off. Making stuff and

catting all that shit. Fucking dolls. Jesus, Paul, Paul. We're stereotypes and you fucking love it down south. We're the fucking show bread. Bread. Fuck is horrible shit show bread. You're going to watch it though.

Bread. It's about a fucking horrible family. Fucking bread. All right, you didn't like bread. We got it. Really didn't like bread. Oh, there's a Sonia pull out Oh she was rough

Sonia A Scouse singer Yes There's a chart show Pink Panther Peabrain Gordon the Gopher Tom and Jerry

Article about dogs and cats On TV shows Talking about the film Willow What else is there The Hello Hello There's an Hello Hello Comic book strip Wow they just

A comic book strip About funny Nazis And Gestapo in France. During the Second World War. Yeah. And then telly addicts. Oh, look, it's got a word search there.

That I've filled in. You've filled it in. I've done a good job there. Anyway, there's Fast Forward magazine. Oh, no, there's a letters page. Shall I read the letters page out to end? One or two.

Right, let me find out. Oh, look, in our kitchen we've got a chicken just like the one they used to keep money in in bread. If so much money goes in, why don't they spend some time repairing Billy's banged up beetle? Well, Michael Lyons of Solihull, they do it because they're scousers and they're always on the rob, apparently.

And they keep money in there for things like, I don't know, playing bingo and booze and fags and tabs. Call a line. I'm really pleased Doctor Who is back again but only one 30 minute episode a week is it not possible to have it on twice a week at least says Frasier Christie of Fife

the Doctor Who bots have told us sadly our decision to not have more programmes on during the week will not change Doctor Who will be once a week

at the moment we're sorry listen Frasier do you know how much expensive how expensive it is to make a bloody sci-fi serial

you know you bloody write it then if you want it twice a week yeah self important yeah privileged and finally

finally to wrap this up a letter from Angry Becky that's what she's put her name down as Angry Becky Liam from Doncaster she must be angry here's how angry she is she writes

get Sonia off our TV now off now Sonia off now she's an imposter she's a twin of Kylie Minogue I'm a great fan of Kylie Sonia off our TV now off now Sonia off now she's an imposter she's a twin of Kylie Minogue I'm a great fan of Kylie Sonia can't even sing she can't dance

and all she does on her videos is stuff a mic up her nose and prance around with a trendy man give her an early pension and retire now ooh fuck that bitch yeah

well it's funny because in terms of longevity, of course, Kylie did win that particular battle, didn't she? Yeah, she really did. And I love Kylie. She is a pop princess. Of our hearts. And I wore all my fingers in it.

Any funny face That seems to be commonplace Project you right into space Without any warning. No time to be yawning, while the lands are in shock. Introducing Kevin and Kevin and Kevin. What? They've got Ghostbusters Crisp. Yeah, I know. Isn't that fucking great? I didn't know there was Ghostbusters crisps.

Yeah, I know. Isn't that fucking great? I didn't know there was Ghostbusters crisps. I don't remember them in the old days. The real Ghostbusters salt and vinegar flavoured potatoes. Oh, look. Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our Christmas show. Little and larger one.

As you know, Christmas is a time for rejoicing and singing. Oh, no. Eddie Large is coming up from behind him. Shut up. Oh, no. He's hiding a book behind him. A big red book behind Eddie Little. Large is coming up. Oh, he keeps turning around and then he puts the book away. What have

you got behind your back? A big fat bum, what have you? Little and Large, you're so funny. Let's listen to more. You thought you were here to cure insomnia by singing. But tonight, Sydney Rasputin Little. Screen and microscope, this is your life. Oh, they're doing a little life sketch. Oh, no. That's my thought, too, Eddie. You were born during the midwife's go slow on the 14th, 15th and 16th of June. Your mother was very confused when you arrived, as she was expecting the guest, man.

There's a Ghostbusters poster in this one. I took that out. Bloody did, didn't you? Times were tough then, Sidney. All you lived on was powdered egg and powdered milk. Every time you sneezed, you'd vanish in a cloud of dust. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Poor stuff, eh?

Oh, I love it in little and large. I love the 80s. You were evacuated several times during the war, and your mother blamed the syrup of things. Oh! Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. during the war and your mother blamed the syrup of things. Oh! Do you remember your first holiday in that tiny cottage in Ireland when you used to throw handfuls of peat on the fire?

No. Good, cos peat doesn't either. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, I'm a-wrong-it-ow! HE COUGHS HE COUGHS Oh, it's funny! Oh ho ho ho ho!

You're the only prediction she ever got wrong. Paul, come back to us. Wait, I can't! When the queen shook you by the throat and you said, Do you mind, I'm trying to sing. He does remember. His accent, his accent. It's so fucking funny.

Anyway, that's the little and large show. Right, so is that the end of our podcast? That's the end of the looking segment. Yeah, let's go. Right, and that's the end of another episode of Cheap Show. If you want to follow us online, you can go to thecheapshow.co.uk and there's our website with all the episodes on and facts and blogs and all sorts. And if you want to see the pictures of the Price of Shite items,

perhaps you can shed some light on the owl object. Yes, we would like to know about the owl. Also, follow us on Twitter at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at PaulGannonShow. And I'm at EliSnoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And also, why not check out Barshens if you listen to it? Go watch Barshens on YouTube, B-A-R-S-H-E-N-S. And yeah, if you like the show, rate, subscribe, and tell the world about it.

And perhaps you'd like to date me. And maybe you'd like to, for some reason, lower your standards and date what the internet is calling the British Danny DeVito. Exactly. So ladies and gentlemen, I've been Paul Gannon. I've been Eli Silverman. Oh, the fun we'll have with syringes. We'll see you next time.