CheapShow - Ep 240: The Fish Shop Song

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

It's another HOT day in the House of Pickles and, predictably, Paul and Eli aren't coping with it very well. Even after deciding to keep this episode very simple, it soon careens into heat induced nonsense. This week, Paul brings along an intriguing Tales from the Shop that keeps them both guessing until the bitter end. The Cheap Chaps also return, finally, to the “Froth Shop” and find a few changes since their last visit. It's under new management and Eli could not be more disappointed! Finally, it's only fair to warn you that one particular “Froth Shop” item creates an earworm that Paul & Eli milks for everything it's got. It may be their mental breaking point. With Eli melting in the heat and Paul in full on "tinker" mode, it's another unhinged edition of CheapShow... See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-240-the-fish-shop-song And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

In the summertime, when the weather is high, you can get right up and tickle your thigh. The weather's fine, you've got women, you've got women on your mind. I don't think we should start with that. Have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can drive. Oh, it's a hot day in the Cheap Show office and I've got a very sweaty orifice. In the summertime, I've got Cheap Show. I've got Cheap Show on the mind. Can we start again, please?

Have a smoke, have a laugh. Come to Cheap Show all the time. It's a hot day. Should we start again? Trying to give it some energy. All right. Trying to give it some energy. Paul, are you okay?

No, it's too hot to record a podcast. Should we mention that all the windows and doors are open? Shall we mention that? I windows and doors are open? Shall we mention that? I don't know. Are you asking me? Do I have any involvement in this opening segment anymore? Do I? I've got your little Kinder Egg toy to keep yourself busy while I do the intro.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very hot day here at Cheap Show Towers. It's a funny colour, this. Oh, it's got little dinosaurs in. It's a little dinosaur Kinder Egg. It's a stegosaurus. I got it weeks ago. I forgot little dinosaurs in. It's a little dinosaur kinder. I got it a week ago. I got it weeks ago. It's a stegosaurus. I got it weeks ago and I forgot all about it.

It's a stegosaurus. Do you want me to say to that? Yes. I did. Right. I've got a song for the opening because it's hot. In the summertime

when I've got a bum and I sweat right out and the winnits they come minnits melting minnits melting Down my arse Well, ah I tell you what that reminded me of something

I've got a tufty nugget and it's melting in the sun Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show on a hot day Welcome to the show I hate you and your fucking noodle posse People love noodles See you. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off.

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where we go through the bargains, the charity shops and pound lands

of Great Britain and beyond to bring you the treats amongst the trash. I'm Paul Gannon. I'm Eli Silverman. We also bring you the treasure. Yes, I was meant to say treasure and treats came out. I don't know why. You know what would be a treat, Paul? Would it be kissing me on the tip of my... No, it's always the tip of your

dick, isn't it? Nose, I was going to say. I'd kiss the tip of your nose. You'd do that then. Not now. I'm not doing... No, no, I'm not doing it now. Kiss the tip of my nose. I'm not doing it now. The fans might like it. They're shipping us. I can't stop. I've got an image of a hairy winnet sort of squelching. That you created, so shut up.

Leaving a nasty... That you created, so shut up. So don't complain about something you've created and now complain about. You are the author of your own destruction, Mr Bond. This Stegosaurus is standing on an egg. Is it? Standing inside an egg. Like it's hatched.

It's like mork. Well, do you like it? You want to put it on your shelf of interesting items? No, not really. Fuck you. I got you that nice old special. What for? For this moment of the show.

I thought it'd be a highlight. People talk about it. Oh, do you remember episode 240 where Eli got a plastic kinder egg dinosaur? Yes, it was for the ages. I was there listening with grandpapa and grandmama around the fire and having a great time. And I remember Eli said spoff and Paul said, oh, Eli. And it was a great episode. Help me, Eli.

Nothing's coming out. Nothing is working. Please interject. I was just about to say, we should do this more with you just talking and me just looking at a dinosaur. Oh, he's having another beer. Chin chin. What have we got coming up on this show, Paul? Today on Cheap Show, we will be going back to Tales from the Shop Floor.

Okay. The once cancelled, now reviled and revised segment of the show. Less scat. I don't know. Less scat? There is less scat. Can you guarantee less scat in this episode? I can guarantee less scat, less boff, less spew.

What is the cum count? No mucus. I want to know what the cum count is. The cum count is low. I want to know what the bogey number is. No bogeys. I want to know what the licking of objects count is. Oh, I've got it all frothy now.

I want to know what the froth count is. The froth count is high. Is it? It is. Is it spittle froth in the corner of your tennis coach's mouth it's it's that lovely trickle trickle pre-cum trickle delight to soul okay i think we're reaching maximum verbal spewage here well compared to how we were before we started recording we were just lying there going oh it's too hot let's not do this okay it is i suppose so yeah tells from the shop floor tells from the

sugar chop chop chipper shop floor and then we're going to and a place we've not visited in a while the froth shop for some candy delight i thought you're gonna say the uh the bathroom i've been to the bathroom plenty of times in recent memory i did want to bring that up actually that was one of these little things i wanted to talk about the top of of the show. Yeah, go on. My nuts. Yeah. Yeah. These nuts. They are. Yeah. Glistening. Yeah. Very clean. Just want to reassure everyone about that. I don't agree on a day like this that your balls are, you know, spotless. They actually get cleaner.

On sweaty days they get cleaner. So what? Your balls are like Elvis' performance suit. Yes. Where apparently sweat cleans it. Yeah. So sweat cleans your own balls. Suggesting your balls have... I have self-sweat cleaning balls so why do you so is it i thought this bit would work it's not is it we're both finding this out today we're both discovering nothing's working man nothing's working i just a sweaty i'm the

sweaty porinus hey i am mr sweaty porinus and i will what should we just not do the episode and stop right now really can we start again should we do a clip show it's really bad Paul should we start again no this is we commit to this every week

it is podcast verite audio verite it's truth truth is life life oh god I know it's not going to work

it's not right so I do want to mention one story on my journey down here. Oh, yes. Right. So I seem to attract

people on public transport who like to foul themselves. And this one was no exception, I take it. This one might have been the be all end all of my... Really? Yeah.

I've never seen anyone actually shit on public transport it seems to happen you happen to you like quarterly it's almost as if life goes you need content for your dirty podcast and i'd go yes i'll take it universe thank you all manner of transport shittage you've witnessed over the years i think if you remember back to the earliest episodes of cheap show i talked about um the guy who pissed on himself on the underground you know the guy took a poo on the bus yeah top deck you know literally and figuratively a top decker so in this instance i was on the met line coming in towards king's cross yes and around about wembley park this guy gets still overground overground this guy gets line does emerge above

ground yes when it gets north yes yes it does ground. Yes. When it gets north. Yes. Yes, it does. And then goes underground once it gets closer to the inner part of the city. That's true. Right. Just give some context. Yeah, so. If the sun was coming through the windows. Wembley Park, this man gets on, and he must have been in his late 60s easily, right?

Short, stout, very rotund. Okay. easily right short stout very rotund okay wearing a yellow string vest and the tightest pair of i'm not even going to call them shorts it was almost a thong and everything was spilling out and he had one flip-flop on and one flip-flop just on his toes being dragged or hand-bind on his feet and he had a little bottle of wine in his hand. Oh, God. And he stunk of everything. Really? He stunk of everything. So he strolls over and just sits, you know,

because obviously masking, COVID, trains, public transport, this woman's got a, this little old lady's got a mask on. And he walks past and I'm like, oh, Jesus. Because it was a little bit of shit, a little bit of booze, a little bit of piss, a little bit of BO, all in one. Tundra of scent. Yes. So he goes and sits right next to her tundra and she after about 30 seconds gets up covering her mouth yeah and runs away to the other part and

then he just sits there right for the next few stops and he's nodding off and his wine is spilling on himself as he kind of nods off it's going on his legs and it's trickling down the you know along the train floor and then because you're trying to block the's trickling down the, you know, along the train floor. And then, because you're trying to block the man out, right? You're not, you're trying to, you know,

you get a whop every now and then but you try and block him out. Anyway. You should move. You should have moved the carriage. Anyway. We're just about to go underground at Finchley Road

and then out the corner of my ear I hear literally this. It was, and then this, this wave of stench comes out and then you can see on his ass just shit no just shit spreading up his butt cheeks yeah yeah yeah you could people start moving away no and he's completely shorted out of the sides of his small shorts. Oh, no. He is fast asleep. Fast asleep.

Oh, God. Right? And everyone's moving away. Now he's got the whole end of the carriage to himself. Oh, sitting there in his waist. Yeah. And then at King's Cross, I get off. I get off and he wakes up and he looks down.

And I just heard him say before I got off the train, I heard him say, I beg my pardon. Or something like that. You know what you think? I beg your pardon? Yeah, he said, I beg my pardon or something like that. He's probably like that guy. This is, you know, Democracy Manifest guy. He did have a really posh voice though.

I beg my pardon. Oh, sorry. It's maybe because he had a privileged upbringing and now he's on hard times. I don't know, but either way, mate. And he was just used to people sort of like, you know. It was a really hard 25 minutes of my day. I would have got off.

There was nowhere to go. It was quite a packed train. I would have just got the next train. I got off a bus once in the middle of the night. Yeah. Because someone stunk. Yeah. And then I got on another bus

and then someone else who stunk. Differently, but just as bad. Just in a different kind of... I can't just change bus night. Yeah. Because someone stunk. Yeah. And then I got on another bus and then someone else who stunk. Differently, but just as bad. Just in a different kind of... I can't just change bus again. No. You can't butt hop.

And you're just breathing it in, in, in, and there's nothing you can do. And you try that thing where you close your nose internally, that doesn't even work. Do you know what I mean? It's going up there.

It just lingers. The tendrils of stench. So that was my day in. In Freedom Day, yeah. I can't explain to you just how burbly that farty shark sound was. You could hear the bubbles. Oh, mate, you've done enough here. As the globules of shit pop and bubble from underneath the tight fabric of his shorts.

Just the heat. And the stench and the heat and whatever he left in that chair until it got to Oldgate. Oh, mate, did he get off the train i don't know i got off before him should we start this episode again yeah welcome to cheap show i don't know if that's my best work paul do you want that on record honestly because it is right welcome to the segment of the show that i thought we'd left behind us but this letter compelled me to return to tales from the shop floor which is this segment of the show in which you the listeners send in funny amusing life-affirming tales well-written

life-affirming tales of things that happened to you in the world of retail Paul wacky hijinks it started off as charity shops specifically didn't it because we had people say oh a man brought his undies in

and it was full of shit you know what's really bad talking about shit on a hot day I know shit on a hot tin roof you know

my favourite of all time was the guy who died and then the woman in her brown knickers ran out yeah you know um my favorite of all time was the guy died and then the woman in a brown knickers ran out yeah you know we need cheery upbeat wacky stories like that i'm not the cavalcade of scat that we often get so what it we wanted it to be something kind of funny but it's turned into something deeply deeply obsessed with the fluids and solids. And also pass out the human bod bod. And there's also quite a lot of stories about the struggling people upon our streets

who have hit hard times and, you know, as a result are probably not as nice as you think a human could be. But, you know, what are you going to do? Punch down and attack them? Well, this was your issue. I mean, you're bringing up all the issues again with this segment of the show, Paul.

And then Gary the Coke dealer came in with a needle hanging out of his arm and shot the bed hilarious please read this out but don't use my real name and you just think ah mate so i i thought if we could take some of those stories away and focus on more interesting behind the counter exposes yes because we are interested in shining a light on the industry of charity shop. Yes, we are. In this country. So we got a letter in about a week or so ago from Lydia. Lydia is her name.

Are you ready, boys and girls? I'm ready for this. I hope to be enlightened and I'm trying to sort of... Interject with thoughts and feelings. Any feelings that come up, Paul, I'll voice them to you. Thank you very much, my professional and good-friended chum. And maybe kissy-kissy on the nose? Kissy-kissy on the tip of my nose.

Take off my clothes. See where it goes. Goes downstairs. And that's what happens on my birthday if you play your card right, sir. Right. You ruined that by trying to do a pull back and reveal, didn't you? Pull back and reveal something to you in a minute. What?

The helmet of your knobbers? Knobbers. You're a Roman soldier. Knobbers. Knobbers chunkers. We have fun. Maximus. Right.

Hello, Cheap Show. Hello, Lydia. Hope that you're both doing well. Maximus. Right, hello, Cheap Show. Hello, Lydia. Hope that you're both doing well. On a recent episode, Paul expressed his desire for a Tales from the Shop floor free of splodge, fecal pudding, or necrotic intimacy crevices. Yes. Splodge, fecal pudding, necrotic intimacy. Yeah.

What did she use? What? Crevices. That's a bit of a tongue twister. Necrotic intimacy crevices. There's a lot going on there. Necrotic intimacy terraces. That's a horrible place to live.

Years of circuit work coming up now, Paul. You did pull back and reveal. Yeah, I got it all. Keep doing it, don't you? And then I got off the bus. Right. So, I've been sitting on this story for quite some time,

fearing that it'd be uninteresting in the absence of these elements, but I strongly believe that the time has come for this story to be told. The tale may be bereft of genital excrement, but should provide you

with plenty to swallow nonetheless. Like swallowing cum, that's what she's alluding to. Yeah, allrement, but should provide you with plenty to swallow nonetheless. Ugh, like swallowing cum. That's what she's alluding to. A big... During my time in university, I worked as a cashier for a small greetings card shop whose name rhymed with mallhawk. I think we can all guess what that company is.

Yes. The Works. Tucked away... You can't resist, can you? Tucked away in the... Great work today, Paul, can you? Tucked away in the fall. Great work today, Paul. Thank you. Let's see how it drops off. Now, could I just interject one thing?

This is weird because I know there'll be no splodge, fecal pudding or necrotic intimacy crevices. I keep thinking, where's the splodge going to come from? Do you know what I mean? I'm like subconsciously. Surprise splodge. No, but I'm subconsciously because I've been in this situation before paul sitting here you're reading one out and i and you know my brain is yeah tuned to go where's the poo where's the shit he's shat in that he's you know i mean he's come up there you've had like he's got this weird muscle memory you know what

i mean it is anyway just wanted to mention that there is no m night spaffelon type twist ending to this, alright? M. Night Spaffelon. What a twist. It came. Splash a lamb alone. Alright, that's just not working. During my time in university,

I worked, yeah, we got there. Tucked away. Don't splash it back. No, no. Right. Sorry. I'm back.

Right. Okay, so the store sold your typical range of ephemeral pleasantries, cards, cheap candies and chocolate, stationery, etc. We've been there. We've seen it. Nice little bit of scene setting. I like the world building Lydia's indulging in. We were only really busy during peak holiday seasons,

making for a very laid back and comfortable work environment. You can imagine the kinds of customers we'd see on a daily basis, old people humming over the perfect gift, hurrying moms and dads

on their way to a family gathering assorted unremarkable pedestrians. Can I ask one thing? Yes. Humming over the perfect gift. Yeah. Just like, hmm, hmm. Humming over the perfect gift. Yeah. Just like, mmm.

Humming and harring. Not like, oh. Imagine someone holding a ring and vibrating. An old lady vibrating. They're just sort of trying to see what the natural resonant frequency of the gift is. I'm just going to stop you there because I don't think this is going anywhere and I'd like to move on with this long letter

it's a bit of a umming and ahhing yeah I've never heard that formulation before someone going I'm humming over something as in I'm making

it's a bit weak it's a bit weak shut up what mmm is that what you do you go into a shop and go mmm yeah I do

mmm pens mmm books milk milk mmm condoms please I want condoms. Big ones. I'm double bagging. Can't double bag an acorn. Oh, poor. Right. Due to the admittedly throwaway nature of

our store, we almost never saw the same customer twice, which made one regular we did have of particular interest so there is no spoff i saw that look in your face it comes in and comes i'm just thinking yeah wanks in the happy birthday aisle right he doesn't he was a tall heavy set man who looked to be in his late 50s or early 60s he was usually dressed in a thick sweater baggy sweatpants and reflective sunglasses this man would come into the store at least once a day, sometimes more, and would mull around the floor space for upwards of half an hour at a time, doing very little, but slowly ambling throughout every aisle and occasionally looking at an item that caught his eye. We did try to engage the man every now and then,

but he would almost always dismiss us with an uninteresting grunt when we did. We just assumed he was shy at the end of each visit he'd come to the checkout counter buy something very cheap like a single card or a box of chocolate and then leave in an uncharacteristic rush eli at this point who killed dr black um strange so i'm thinking maybe he is waiting for a partner who who has an appointment nearby he's killing time yeah that's what it seems like from this story do you see what i mean I'm thinking maybe he is waiting for a partner who has an appointment nearby. He's killing time. Yeah, that's what it seems like from this story.

Do you see what I mean? Killing time. Yeah. All right. That's a good, valid, non-Spoth based. Especially as he's hurrying up at the end. Yeah. And I guess he sort of figures, you know, if I buy a card, it means, you know.

I haven't wasted my time here. They're not going to sort of kick me out or start any business like that. Fair enough. Let's see where it goes. He came in my face four times. I'm joking. I'm teasing. None of us had any idea why he visited the store so often,

why he took so long when he did, or what he was doing with the hundreds of the same few You're Turning 40 cards that he'd bought. They're always that card. I'm imagining so. The man was by far our most recognisable customer, but we didn't know anything about him beyond what he purchased. A few of us, myself included, did suspect he was up to something

and brought him to the attention of our manager, but he only shrugged and told us we couldn't really do anything about him. He never caused a fuss, never been caught doing anything unsavoury, and at the end of the day was a paying customer. He's a paying customer. Taking action against him based on nothing more than a hunch and some slightly strange behaviour would only serve to drive a dedicated patron away.

Our manager also reminded us that we weren't exactly guarding diamonds and there wasn't really anything worth stealing in the shop beyond packets of Cadbury's mini-eggs. A good choice. You do want to steal the mini-eggs. Yeah. I like a good choccy mini-egg.

I don't like a mini-egg. I never have. Not in excess, but every now and then you can pop on him. I like a good choccy mini egg. I don't like a mini egg. I never have. Not in excess, but every now and then you can pop on him. I always think, yeah. You eat it, you think, eh. I thought you were an egg man. I thought you liked all eggs. I don't like all things in the forms of eggs.

Dog eggs. I like chicken. You love dog eggs. I see your dog egg collection. Yeah, do you know what, Paul? I think this is the episode where I come out and tell you. As a dog egg man. I eat dog shit.

I go outside. Yeah. And I... Yeah yeah i got the truth i was fucking bent down like that do you bite cry and then people come by paul and they go make you right and i shove it if you see a nice long if you see a nice long dog egg, do you bite it from the top down like a banana or in the middle like it's, I don't know. Paul, imagine this, the surface of my hand. Yeah.

What a horrible image, ladies and gentlemen. I won't describe it to you. I don't know why I'm alive and what I do. Scat, man. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Now, you know what happens in this story, don't you? I do. I know the twist ending.

It is mysterious. It is. He doesn't smell bad, nothing like that. No, nothing like that. He's just got a sweater. Just got a sweater and sweatpants and reflective shades. So that's obviously, he's hiding his identity, though. Liddy Paul, I've had a little...

Yeah, go on. Hercule Poirot. D.B. Cooper. Yay. That's a hot take. About the right stature and sort of... Yeah, DB Cooper, man who hijacked a plane

and got a load of money and then parachuted out the back of it. Never to be seen again. What a fascinating, fascinating true crime story. Look it up. I got nothing. Are you okay?

No, it's hot. My balls are sweating and they ain't cleaning themselves, mate. You need to get some of those self-cleaning balls, mate. I can hear them. They're on their cycle. Special spasser. Special spasser.

Special spasser. Oh, here comes the buffing brush. Scrub them good. Ping. Sweat cleaning balls. Yeah, you see, I've just got a swamp on. You've got a big swamp on. You've got a big swamp on. I've got a place Kermit the Frog would call home,

right between my balls and my arsehole. Have you got, like... I've got Gooch Swamp. Have you got a subspecies of muskrat? I have Peridium Mist. All right. Come on. Anyway, oh yeah, the story.

The man continued to visit the shop for several months. One day, when he had finished his rounds, he bought a happy Easter card at the checkout counter. I had just finished ringing up the purchase when a mall cop burst through the door and confronted the man. The officer had caught him sneaking something in his pocket, and sure enough, the man was caught with a prepaid

Visa gift card worth no less than $200. Immediately, the man was handcuffed and led away by the officer, looking extremely embarrassed and pleading that this has all been a big mistake. The mystery deepens, doesn't it, boys and ladies, gentlemen and girls? But the gift card wasn't from their shop? No, but let's find out where the story goes.

As it turns out, the man had been stealing these prepaid gift cards from our store on a daily basis, sneaking out single cards with denominations of $50 or $100, $200, from a rack at the back of the shop when no one was looking. We hadn't been the only store he'd hit either. Our manager confirmed that several other gift shops around the area had also been targets for the fief. This man had been focusing on these kind of shops for a very simple reason.

They usually didn't employ anti-theft devices, meaning that he was free to pocket what he choose and walk straight out without any chance of detection once he'd been cleared by the cashier nice so they weren't going to tag those gift cards like i imagine they would in other stores well that's a real oversight isn't it oh yeah all in all we estimated that the man had probably stolen well over fifteen thousand dollars from our store alone in gift cards the cops informed us that he was a retired electrical engineer who had been using a homemade activation device to verify the cards personally

then transferred the money directly into his bank account okay proper scam proper scans he's getting these cards he's got a home reading device which activates the code and then he just transfers the money over to his account turns it into cash i don. I don't understand. I mean, he did. I don't know how, but he did. But you have to... They don't... They never turn into money. I don't know. But obviously he's figured out...

It's like a store credit card or something like that. You know when you go in and it's like, do you want to buy a gift card? £50 for like staples or whatever. Yeah, I know, but then you have to use that card,

don't you? To get the... Yeah, but if you don't spend all of it, they do give you the money back. They give you change. So maybe he figured out a way of getting a refund on it and there's a lot of that

money back into his account. In America, it's much more in the culture, those gift cards. Activate it, ask for a refund, money in the bank, maybe something like that. So, the man was tried before a court, and eventually went to jail on repeated petty theft charges. I heard that, between each

store, he'd collected well over $50,000 before being caught. Crazy. crazy yeah to think that that's it's both ingenious but not common because i don't think a lot of people were going to be able to figure out that kind of he was electrical engineers well it's the type of thing that um organized crime would be involved with yeah you don't usually get a lone guy you know it's it sort of reminds me of what those guys who sort of work out how to beat fruit machines because they worked in one of the companies that they happen in Vegas. You know what I mean?

Is that why they're more computer based these days? Because it's because a fucking algorithm on a computer, which means it's very. There's lots of stories in Vegas of like cheaters who get obsessive about what the technical aspect of it. You know what I mean? How do you beat a fruit machine then? Unless you've got some kind of magic Q style gadget? Yeah, I think there was incidences of that.

Because I know there are people who just wait by people who lose for five hours in a row and then sit on and then think the odds are better. I don't know what the reality of that is. Is that...

Why is your hand doing that? You know that best of the worst video with the guy who reviews all the casino fruit machines? He's like, let's see this. I'm going to put some money in here.

Let's see how you win. And I've lost. He loses every time. That's all these let's see this. I'm going to put some money in here. Let's see how you win. And I've lost. He loses every time. That's all these machine things remind me of. That's one of the reasons why I don't like gambling. The way I see it is, the chances are so remote of any kind of payback without long

term investment into it. It doesn't seem worth the chance. They work on a percentage advantage. So, whatever it is, they're guaranteed because of the way they set the game up. Right. They're guaranteed to get 10%. So for every dollar you gamble, they get 10% of it.

Who gets 10%? The house. Right, okay. So where's the other 90% go? That is either won or lost. Right. Do you see what I mean? But they get, it's like roulette is a good way of looking at it okay you got 36 seven numbers on the roulette yeah yes they only pay you 36 to one if

you hit one number if you just go i want it on seven not black not red just seven then your odds are what 37 to 136 to 136 to one okay your odds of hitting it are 37 to one because they've got zero yeah do you see what i mean so that, yeah, yeah. So that's their edge. They take guaranteeing. So they always make a profit on every roll, every card dealing, every pull of a handle. So if it was a fair,

then you just get your bet. If you win your bet, you win the odds. But they always... They always accumulate cash at every... Put it in their favour. Yeah.

And slot machines work in exactly the same way. Oh. So I think it's just the gambler's fallacy, people watching a machine until it's hot. Yeah. You know what I mean?

That's bullshit because the odds haven't changed. Again, how would you beat a fruit machine then? You can't. You'd have to have some manipulation. Yeah. Or know something about the reels. I'm sure there was all sorts of stuff. Probably back in the days when there were gears and clamps.

When they were mechanical, it was much more like that. But these days, it's like, I wouldn't fucking bother. How are you going to do it now? You can't but anyway slots is just completely meaningless shit it's a boring way

it's a way you always get confused when they put those on Game Boy casino simulations it's like there's no risk there's no chance

and you're just sitting there pressing the A button every 30 seconds for nothing it's like they're the most redundant game to play

it's one of those weird things without the gambling element there's no point to a slot machine at all because you wouldn't waste your time I know but it's still It's like the most redundant game to play. It's one of those weird things where without the gambling element, there's no point to a slot machine at all because you wouldn't waste your time. I know, but it's still addictive. It is.

It's the mechanism. Because the high of getting that weird rewrites that four hours of failure you've lived through. It's so bizarre. I mean, it's not for everyone, obviously. It's not for everyone. When the fun stops, stop. Okay.

Right. As you can imagine, after this incident, our store was outfitted with the same anti-theft technology used in clothing outlets, and all items over $20 had to be tagged with magnetic IDs that could only be removed by an employee. Unfortunately, when corporate received word of this story, our manager was held partly accountable

and was fired for negligence. A shame. He was quite a nice man, but indeed absent-minded. That seems like a real fucking shit move by the corporation. Yeah. To kind of basically say, we need someone to take the fall for this but aren't um that company are quite known for being cunts aren't they i don't know i think they are known for like that kind of shitty uber capitalist sort of i mean if their behavior with their staff is anything like the effort they put into their fucking hallmark movies i'm sure it's like a needle to the fucking anus

aren't they i might this might all be just libelous but aren't they sort of Christian Christian oh I don't right wing Christian I don't know if it's a Chick-fil-a type thing I could do the research and then you know not listen to this episode later and go we should have put an amendment in there and said they were not a far-right organization I don't think they're far right but I think they're very Christian right highly values is that what you're saying? Heilmark. Heilmark. They had to discontinue their whole Hitler line of cards. Yeah. Hitler says happy birthday. I'm on cloud nine.

I don't know. I've got loads of really good gags I'm not saying right now. I'm on cloud nine. Nine. How does that even make sense? I've got loads of really good gags I'm not saying right now. I'm on cloud nine. Nine? How does that even make sense? Hitler's saying I'm on cloud no. I don't know. Okay.

It's bad enough we're doing Hitler gags. It just feels like something you do in your 80s. I'm sweaty. Well, that was a different Tales from the Shop floor. Yeah. To finish off, I hope you enjoyed my Tales from the Shop floor, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the continued existence of this segment and that of Tales from the Dance floor, too.

I will look forward to hearing future stories about men spoffing into pineapple tins or old women getting scorpions stuffed up their clouts and high-powered vibrators being sold as a charming bit of objet d'or. Those are all stories we must have told. No, we have. I would remember a story of an old lady getting a scorpion up her chuff. It would stick out

in the same way a necrotic leg hole stuck out. It depends how big the scorpion is. I think Lydia just went off on a little... If it was a very big scorpion, the tail would stick out. I'm not going any... Of the old lady's clunch. That's disgusting.

Fucking horrible. Can you imagine an old lady's withered, papery clunch? Right. Lydia, thank you very much for that a scorpion tail coming out of it

Paul clunge aww saviour of the universe right that's a horrible way to end the segment and I'll not be ending it

on that visual image so I'm going to say thank you Lydia for your lovely lovely letter and yes there will be some dance floor coming back because I'm presuming you're going to have some stories, Lydia, for your lovely, lovely letter. And yes, there will be some dance floor coming back

because I'm presuming you're going to have some stories when you get back to DJing. Presumably, there will be. I look forward to more What A Tiny Man anecdotes. Or she came up to me and asked for this and I told her to fuck off anecdotes. Never tell people to fuck off. Don't be spreading that rumour.

Well, it's the attitude, isn't it? No, I don't. Eli, enough. Well, it's the attitude, isn't it? No, I don't. Eli, enough. Come with me and you'll see It's a world of frothy imagination Won't you be here with me

In my froth shop of fantasy If you want to view my perineum Get down on the floor beneath me. Then you will please unsheath me. Look at my gooch. I hope it please thee. Hello, welcome to the froth shop. You shut your mouth.

I've had enough of you. I haven't said anything. Welcome to the froth shop, boys and girls. Oh, right. We're here already, are we? Yes. Do you want a ting-a-ling-a-ling? I would like a ting-a-ling-a-ling. And also, if you could incorporate, Paul, when you do the ting-a-ling bit, which you do,

because it's part of the froth shop. I want some pug chops. What is it? I want pugging. What does that mean? Shut up! Shut up! You go, would you like some pug chops, little boy i want pug pugging what does that mean shut up shut up you go would you like some pug chops little boy no we're not that sounds all levels of horrible pug pug kisses little pug no no no stop making everything worse with every word you say next i would like some mumbly pug here we go no oh i'm coming I'm not coming. There's a door. No, I'm coming across the street.

No, there's a door. There's a door, Eli, to the craft shop, but you've got to ring the bell, and then I'll enter. Wow, I could do some refreshments on this very hot day. I'm Eli Silverman. There's a little door here, and there's a bell. But which one do I want?

There's lots of names listed here. I've got... Oh, God. Fucking hell. Punk. Punk. I knew he was going to find a fucking way to list random fucking things.

Right, I'll ring the bell then. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. No, you just ring it and I make the sound. Hello, I'd like to come into the froth shop, please. Who's there? Please let me into the froth shop. Hello, my name is Albert of the froth shop. Hello, Albert.

I'd like to bring you to another character instead. I don't like this one no more. Oh, fuck. And this character is called Willy Wanker, and he owns the froth shop. Hey-o. Hello, Willy Wanker. I'm Willy Wanker, and I own this froth shop.

Hey-o, how you doing, boys and girls? Come on in. I've got some lovely froth for you this week. What's your name, little boy? I'm Eli Silverman of Cheap Shirt. Little boy Eli Silverman. What's your name little boy? I'm Eli Silverman of Cheap Show. Oh, little boy Eli Silverman. Aren't you a hairy boy? A hairy ugly stumpy handed boy troll.

Don't. Now, Willy Wanker. Aye. Have you got sweets for me? Aye. I'm going to hand them over to Paul Gannon and he's going to let you look at my new fabulous contrappulations on my Choccy Wock froth shop. It's fantabulous. It's magicalous. Willy Wank froth shop. It's fantabulous.

It's magical-us. Willy Wanker, everybody. It's imaginatariable. Cheap Show Universe 2.0's newest character. Continuing to let down everyone listening. Right, so thank you, Mr. Willy Wanker. I'll take it over from here. Where's he going to go, then? I'm just going to stand over here by the window.

It's fucking hot. Okay. Is he going to watch us? I'll just watch you from over here. the window it's fucking hot okay is he gonna watch us i'll just what i'll watch you from here looks like he's watching people in the street he's just watching people going by four stop it oh he's stop it you can't say that behave oh love shut up willy wanker one of cheap shows most promising new characters yeah right so i've picked out a few things from willy Wanker's froth shop. I can't believe that was the best I could do.

It's a good one, actually, Willy Wanker. It's not. It's actually the worst and most obvious joke I could have made. I like it. Come on, it's like Willy Wonka, but it's Willy Wanker. I'm Willy Wanker and I stare out the window and look at ladies going by. Are you interested in sweets at all or what we're doing in your froth shop, Willy Wanker? Not particularly, no.

Okay, he's boring oh look at that one oh you don't get many of those tip pound Willy Wanker everybody you shut up

oh he's so rude and sexist but that goes down well on cheap show apparently due to the popularity of characters such as Brandoff

and if he I can do it I can do it too and then have ironic detachment therefore distancing myself from the heinous things that he says isn't that psychologically

revealing stop talking get me from some fucking froth what here's the first oh I haven't got my vimto strings

right well that you've lost out now I'm gonna go have to go get my vimto strings you're in the shop now I've locked the door we'll save vimto strings

for next time no I want vimto laces vimto strings sounds next time. No, I want Vimto laces. Vimto strings sounds more fun. Oh, I twanged my Vimto ring the other day. Fucking couldn't walk straight for a week. Oh, I tell you. It's the heat, ladies and gentlemen. It's made me go funny.

No, I've got one. Tell you what. Yeah. I tried to do one of those squid ink recipes the other day. Squid ink with Lizard Linguine. Yeah, not buying this already. Came out looking like Vimto laces. All blue. Right, here we go.

Here is the first candy item in the froth shop today. Come on, mate. Here we go. This is, he's handed me, a Spider-Man. Do you think it's an official Spider-Man toy? No. It don't look like it. Spider-Man torch with Spider-Man depicted sitting astride a tall building.

Yeah, I guess that's what it is. And holding aloft a web, I think, Paul. A nest, a web nest. With a golf ball, transparent golf ball sitting inside it. Yes. He's astride the building. The golf ball is enmeshed in his web. It looks like he's...

There's a little button. Is there a tab here? I don't know. Shall I do this? He's pulled the tab out. It's ready to go. The golf ball is enmeshed in his web. It looks like there's a little button. Is there a tab here? I don't know. Shall I do this? He's pulled the tab out. It's ready to go. I've pulled the tab out. I haven't tested this.

I don't know if it works, this torch. There's a little switch in his armpit, Paul. Nice. That's where I'd put it. That's where you'd put the switch. Yeah, where else would you put it? Right there. Yeah, of course you would, where his nubbin is.

Yeah. You've got to flick his nubbin to get the disco lights going. Oh, my God, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It's great. I've got this. I've just realised, right?

It has disco lights come out the top making for a disco experience. A Spider-Man disco experience. There's no sweet, there's no confection. I've just realised now there's no candy.

I thought it was going to have candy in it. This isn't for the froth shop. Fucking hell, Paul. I'm sorry. Spidey toy candy. It says toy candy. Where's the candy then? It's the fucking candy.

Maybe it is in the bottom. Oh, there's a pop. Oh. Disappointing. The hollow building he sits astride. The smallest pack of small iced sugared pellets. That's hardly... No, because we've had those before.

We've had them hundreds of times. They're just sugar pellets. They taste of nothing and they're extremely sugary. What do you have to say to that, Smiley? There you are. Went to the fish shop. What did I see? I saw a minge.

I saw a gash. Went to the fish shop. What did I see? I saw a minge. I saw a gash. Went to the fish shop. What did I see? I saw a minj. I saw a gash. I saw a fish. Stop saying. You saw a minj.

Winky, winky fish. Shy. Give me it. I want to have a go. I want to play with the thing. It's like he is inserted onto the building there. It's gone right up his arse. It's gone right up his arse.

And it's almost as if the web has sprung from his head in agony. And what comes out as pain is this. Who is that? The fucking laughing frog or whatever? I went to the fish shop. What did I see? I saw a big fish looking right at me. I said, I'll have that fish for my hopeful tea.

I got fish for tea. Went to the fish shop. What did I see? A gash and a flash and a minge and a tea. Pug, pug, discus, pug I kiss discus, pug, I lie He's not got you nothing I've got something It just goes on forever, I thought it would stop

Mish, mish, gash, gash, mish Mish, mish, gash, minge, minge Minge, minge, gash This is the kind of shit people literally can't listen to in their office Hairy flash, mish, gash, gash, mish. Mish, mish, gash. Minge, minge. Minge, minge, gash. This is the kind of shit people literally can't listen to in their office. Hairy flash. Minzy flash. I went to the fish shop. What did I see?

I saw Russell Harty interviewing me. He interviewed me with Grace Stones. She slapped me on the chinny-chin-chin. Wow. That's a big story. I'm going to have to raise my game. Go on. I went to the fish shop.

What did I see? I saw a haddock. He was three. He's a young haddock. That's what I said. And he's got a scaly head. He doesn't even scan. Haddock's got a scaly head.

He said, I am. My name is Fred. I went, oh, what are you? He said, I'm a fish. And a stink of poo. Here we go. Here's my go on. I went to the fish shop.

Shut up. I went to the fish shut up i went to the fish shop what did i see a load of shrimps looking back at me i settled half a dozen and he half gave me three i was crossing i left the shop can we stop this please it's like i'm in a nightmare i was kind of getting into it froth shop two out of terrible two awful thing and it won't work for long will it no there's no way you can change the battery, I don't think. You can just unscrew it and pull it out, I guess.

You can change it. It's probably just a C-cell or whatever. I've said it before, Paul. This is horrible, earth-killing shit that will just remain in the crust of this planet when we're all dead and gone.

I went to the fish shop. What did I see? I saw a massive haddock. Went to the fish shop what did I see I saw a massive haddock went to the fish shop mackerel head size it saw my mouth now you've done it

you've done enough oh went to the fish shop what did I see why did you say went to the fish shop I don't know we're in the froth shop

here's the next candy from the froth shop I also give that to oh well now oh now this is a bit... It's another toy candy hybrid.

This is a Jellyman, and it says on it, passionate about animal food? No, it doesn't. What does it say? Anal food. Oh, shit. Passionate about anal food.

Like a suppository. That's an anal... So what is it? Are these suppository sweets? No, they're probably just chewing gums. It is a one-armed bandit. It's a slot machine. Or the predecessor of what became slot machines.

It's quite a nice little design, much better than Spider-Man. I'm liking it. It's in yellow. It's got a see-through container. You can see what you can win. Sort of domed container. And like the reels of the fruit. It's a fruity.

Yes, but as always, if you can't bear our horrible descriptions of things, there will be pictures on our website to accompany the things we talk about on this episode. So thecheapshop.co.uk. Now, I'm just going to get this going because it has a panel in the back you take off. Oh, you do? So you can refill it. That's all right. Also, they're in packets, these.

There's actually two packets of bubble gum. That's all right. Gobstoppers. these there's actually two packets of um bubble gum that's all right what are they called so this was a quid the spider thing was one pound fifty wow yeah and it has a light on it there's a disco light it has ding da da ding da da ding dong ding ding like crazy frog it's that kind of thing isn't it so do you reckon they're chewing gums like the things you get the bottom of those are ice creams remember those ice cream screwballs with the chewing gum at the bottom? Yes. That was a raspberry ripple. That's what I'm wondering.

They look and they smell like those bubble gums you used to get. No. Actually, having smelled it, it's sugary. It's a sugar thing, isn't it? No, I think it is a chewing gum. Oh. Yeah. Right, I'm ready to go now.

Yeah, I've just tried one. It's a chewing gum. Now, I'm going to put it here on the desk. Yeah. Play it. So what do you think is going to happen?. Yeah, I've just tried one. It's a chewing gum. I'm going to put it here on the desk. Yeah. So what do you think is going to happen? Just randomly, just one comes out anyway. Yes, that's what happens. Oh, they spin though.

Yeah, the little things in the one-armed bandit spin. Oh, it's gum. Oh, that reminds me. Apparently only Britain really calls it one-armed bandit. It's not really known as one of those around the world. And yes, I'd already stated it was gum, and you'd obviously ignored me, because your revelation then, it fell on deaf ears. That's cheap. It's not really known as one of those around the world. And yes, I'd already stated it was gum and you'd obviously ignored me because your revelation then, it fell on deaf ears. That's cheap. It's that cheap gum.

Very cheap gum. But it's a fun little thing. I want to have a go. You pull the handle down and one comes out regardless of the result on the little spinner. But it's a nice little touch, isn't it? What design are there? Oh, I got three Jelly Men. But nothing came out. Maybe I didn't pull it hard enough.

No, I don't get another candy. You don't get any. Oh, why can't I have a candy? Oh, there got three Jelly Men. But nothing came out. Maybe I didn't pull it hard enough. No, I don't get another candy. You don't get any. Oh, why can't I have a candy? Oh, there's one. There's one. All right, I'll have another one then. That's a bit of fun. Yes, definitely more fun than Spider-Man.

That had a different flavour, that one. And they have different flavours depending on the colours. Really? Yellow was banana. What does blue, do we think, raspberry? No, like an additional bubblegum flavour. You got blue, did you? That's all right for what it was for a quid.

Not too bad, Paul. What would you give it? I'd give that a six. Six out of ten? Six out of ten. Six froths out of ten froths. Again, it's a piece of shit that will choke the ecosystems of the planet. Yes, but I would say it's better than the Spider-Man thing.

Or is it? I just don't know. What else is there in the froth shop? And how is Willy Wanker doing? He seems... Hey, I'm all right. I'm just having a fag. Okay.

Do you want me to roll you one? He smokes rollies, does he, Willy Wanker? Do you want to roll it? I've got some Douglas Bass smoke roll. Douglas Bass smoke roll. Yeah, I've got Douglas Bass. You smoke it. It's a northern thing.

Ah. Ah. Douglas Bass. You smoke it, it's a northern thing. Ah. Right, this next item comes from

Marta. It's another toy. Yeah, but it comes from, remember Marta who gave us a load of stuff? I love the stuff that Marta sent.

Marta sent this. I think it's obvious why I had to buy this one. Share a photo of Eli tasting it. And what is it, Eli? It's a pig snout lolly.

It is. It's a pig snout with a little lolly at the back. Do you remember I've got like a Rolling Stones human mouth lipstick?

Oh, yeah. It's still in the house of pig nose. Yeah, it does. And this one's a pig nose now. Okay. Do you want to take a photo of me on this?

Take a picture of Eli sucking the pig nose. Behind the snout there is a protrudence that you suck. It's a multi-coloured lolly. Sexy boy taking a picture of the sexy boy

with the pig nose. I've never seen you look hotter. Sexy boy. Pictures on our website, spoff.com. Is it a particularly rich, sugary flavour? Does it have any flavour at all, maybe?

Yeah, it's like standard. Standard like Blackpool Beach Rock? Yeah. Yeah, maybe? Yeah, it's like standard. It's standard, like Blackpool Beach rock? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Totally. There's a slight fruit, but mainly just a sugar.

It's less push pop, isn't it? It's more like stick of rock. It's rock, very rocky. Is it minty or just sugary sweet? Oh, it's fruity, you said, isn't it?

Fruity. That's all right. What would you give it out of, what would you give that out of 10? What do you do with it once you've, once you've... You put it in your mouth and you go, oh, oh i'm pig boy and then it just kills marine wildlife for literally thousands

of years yeah because you can't just put it on a stick and go suck it and throw it away it's like here's a pig nose to stay in a box of things that ends up in a charity shop in a random box of other things that kids have sucked on would it though you need to it, because it's got kid mouth all over it. Do you know what I mean? I don't like that pig snout. No, I mean, it's a cute little thing, and we got a funny picture out of it, but, you know, what else did we get from it, Eli? Not much. Paul, I'm going to have to bring the Vimto

laces in as an emergency measure if these keep just being crap. Well, the next one should be interesting. So, apparently, someone saw these and said, we should try them, because obviously, they're gross. So they are a selection of three different types of gummies, I believe. We have poo drops, chili gummies, and snot shots.

Oh, here we bloody go. So it's a gooey, delicious bogey, freshly picked, sticky and sweet, and they're apple-flavored gummy sweets. What are your ones again? Poo drops, tasty gummy nuggets, cola-flavoured gummy sweets. Gooey cherry flavour centre. Interesting. And then gummy chillies, cherry and chilli flavour.

Try and find the super spicy ghost chilli gummy inside. Oh, there's a roulette aspect. Hey, here we go. So these are very much trying to sort of be in the market of market of being boozled yes i mean well kind of because like pop the chilies are just chili gummies are a thing because we've tried them on the show before they're not novelty items they're just many parts of the world it's how they sell like them yeah sweets these are from bnm tamarind and chili ones which come from mexico of course bnm sell these for two pound each box, and you get 100 grams in.

Oh, mate. Do they look like poos? They look like little nuggets. They look sweaty, I know that. Yeah, well, they are sweaty. Sweaty poo drops. Oh, I'm going to look at the snot ones then. I'll have a half of these.

Hello, bogey muncher, it says on the top of my box. Does yours say anything? Oh, they're very chemically. This says, hello, poo picker. Does yours say anything? Ooh, they're very chemically. This says, hello poo picker. Not off. Hello poo pickers. Smell that. It's a terrible artificial cola smell. That really is. It's almost faecal. Hang on, let me try these

apple ones. Oh, look at them. The snot ones. They're exactly the same. Yeah, they've got the weird glisten to them. Have you noticed that? They're really glisteny. He's trying a cola one. Not a good sweet. Oh God, they feel wet. What's the huff like on you noticed that? Like, they're really glisteny. He's trying a cola one. Not a good sweet. Oh, God, they feel wet. What's the huff like on the snot? Oh, I didn't snuff it.

Oh, it's so acrid and... Appley. Short, kind of apple sours apple. They're acrid in the same way the cola is. That smells like paint thinner. Do you know what I mean? Whoa, fucking hell! Right, I'm testing the bogey.

Oh, I hate the fucking texture of this. There, the cola ones are exactly the same. It's that... You know what I mean when I say, like, a fudgy gummy? Yes. Soft and fudgy. I fucking hate the texture of these. The flavour that's there is very chemically,

so it's just a horrible eating experience. Oh, mate, right. Get the chillies. Have you had one of the cola ones? Oh, yeah, I didn't. Have you had a bogey one? I've had a bogey, yeah. All right, I'll try a cola one.

Oh, I hate the texture. Get over the texture. I mean, this, comparatively speaking, is better than the apple. Really? Mate, but... Ooh, the chilli ones are very different. These look like those chilli minis,

which were the Pakistani sweets that we tried. Ugh. God, they're unpleasant. I don't know what it is with all these sort of cheap generic sweets. They all taste the same over the eons, you know? It's like those Poundland sort of Halloween or Valentine's sweets. All of those, do you know what I mean?

It all seems to come from the same... Fucking mucky barrel. Huff it. Huff the chilli gummies. Oh, we can smell the chilli on that. There we go. There's definitely more of a chilli smell than a sweet smell coming off those. He's shaking the bag.

He's a pro. Oh, don't like that. Do you know what I mean? Well, for a start... Let's see. Now, we're going to see there's a roulette aspect, so we'll tell you if we get the hard one. Yeah, because there's a slightly nicer texture, you can tell.

Yes. No, they look less slimy and wet. They look like your average gummy, Haribo gummy. And they are depicting chilies with a... So, green top and a red bottom. Quick question. So, it says that you might have a secret ghost chili. Yes.

And they all look the same. Isn't it a bit unfair to just have one of them maybe really horrible and you go, Well, that's the whole sort of game aspect, which is a bit like being boozled do you see what i mean this is going to taste like chili and cherry so the poo drops and the bogeys are just like bogey that's the sort of gimmick it looks like but with these there's a sort of actual do you see what i mean an actual with the chili ones it's an actual gimmick a gameplay gimmick

do you remember they had doritos roulette chili didn't they? They weren't that great. I didn't think they were hot at all. Well, you've got a good heat... Maybe it's just I built up a tolerance. Shall we try one of these? Let's try the chili one. Gummy chilies. Better texture straight away.

Nice initial chili, cherry taste. Oh. Oh. I think I might have got a ghost pepper one. I got quite a spicy one, but I couldn't tell you if it was meant to be chili. I quite like that. I like the cherry flavor and the gummy consistency is nice because of the sparkly crackly chili aftertaste they're hot yeah i don't know if i could eat any more than

i'm trying to get across the idea of what my tongue is feeling right now you know what i mean sparkly and crackly you know like it's heat i know but it like it fires it crackles it's an interesting way of putting but it fires. It crackles on your tongue. That's an interesting way of putting it, Paul. I never would have described the... I think the heat sort of flows in the mouth. It spreads. You see what I mean?

Rather than crackle. Ignites. Yes. But I couldn't, without eating any more of those, I couldn't tell you if that was the ghost chilli one or not, but that was... I'm going to try one more just to see. Yeah, just to see.

Because that was quite hot. Really? Yeah, my one. Like I can feel it sort of burning as it goes down. Yeah. Because I'm quite used to eating chilli now, often I get sort of basically indigestion problems with it. It burns as it goes down the gullet.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because you do have senses. I mean, less and less, but there are senses down there. Hey, all up. Hey, what, who? Willy Wanker. Do you want some tasty candy, love?

Willy Wanker. Yeah, look, tasty candy, love? Willy Wanker. Yeah, look, mate, what do you want? What do you think of these sweets? Oh, mate, I don't fucking know. I don't, I just sell them. I don't make them. Do you like... They just put my name on them, face on the stuff.

Do you have a sweet tooth? No, I fucking hate sweets. What do you like to eat? Pussy. Don't like them. What's that gummy like? That first one I had was definitely the ghost chili one. Really?

So with this one it's less hot. Okay. Yeah. I think of those three the chilli out of the three

they're easily the best. They're quite nice aren't they the chilli ones? They're not because sometimes I really hate those chilli sweets like those chilli beans I hate.

Yeah. But those ones that you got which you mentioned a minute ago chilli minis they were nice because the gummy was tough and chewy. It was a tough gummy

and they weren't very hot. I think these are basically modelled on those chilli minis. They were nice because the gummy was tough and chewy. It was a tough gummy and they weren't very hot. I think these are basically modelled on those chili minis. Maybe. Millies. Was it milli or minis? But they were, I believe they were Pakistani. I think they were. Yeah, you're right.

Either way, there we go. That's all I've got in me bag. That's all there is in the bag, boys. Is that it? That's it. Should we end with our drink? Well, I think he has next door waiting for us. So, Paul, if you want to come through.

Who's got next door waiting for us? The new soda jerk guy. The soda jerk. Yeah, if you want to go next door, we can sort that out. The soda jerker guy's there for you. Okay, let's go, Paul, then. Come on. All right, here we go.

Door sound effect. And we're in the room. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Hello, boys. Oh, it's so good to see you. Paul leaves the room. Door sound effect. I we're in the room. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Hello, boys. Oh, it's so good to see you. Paul leaves the room. Door sound effect. I'm not going in.

What's wrong with your friend, fella? I don't know, mister. But who are you? Oh, I'm Juicy Jeremy. I do soda. Juicy Gem? I'm Juicy Gem. You can call me that.

I don't like Juicy Gem. Tell that guy he doesn't own me. I got a franchise in this place. I like to sell soda pop, young man.

Get your friend back in it. Okay, I'll get my friend back in it. Hope the people in the street outside. Duel effect. Paul,

what are you doing out here? I don't want to come in. If that guy goes, I'll come in. Juicy Jeremy? Juicy Jeremy goes, I'll come in. He's overbearing. He's giving us the drinks. I can't ask him to leave.

Let's put one on the floor and tell him to go. Let's put one on the floor and tell him to go. Don't make me do this. I find him overbearing and I'm not comfortable around him. Hang on a second. I'll see what I can do, okay? Yeah, please. Door sound effect.

Door sound effect. Jezza. Jezzy boy. Little Juicy Jez. And now Eli's self-tape of him and Juicy Jeff. Oh, hi! Little lad! Is your friend gonna come in? I do love to give people soda. I like to

watch little guys drink it like, and they like to slurp it up and they fizzy all the fizzy in their mustaches i like to do that eli personal point can you make this fucking quick i don't know what's this voice in my head i'm juicy jeremy and paul didn't want to be involved with me and now he's set up a whole scene where i have to do some really in-depth character work no you don't have to do that you just go paul says you have to leave all right i willdepth character work. No, you don't have to do that. You just go, Paul says you have to leave. All right, I will.

And then he leaves. That's all you have to do. Okay. I don't need you to go off on tangents and talk about his personal life and what he does when he's alone and how tough he's finding life and why does Paul hate me and what's going on

and why am I alone with this character? Blah, blah, blah. I don't want to hear any of that. I just want to hear you say, Paul says you have to go and then you do the voice of him saying, all right, I'll go. Here are't want to hear any of that. I just want to hear you say, Paul says you have to go and then you do the voice of him saying, all right, I'll go, here are the drinks

and then it's done. 10 seconds max. Action. Door sound effect. Jeremy, we can't do this. I'm sorry, you'll have to leave. Oh, that's sad. But I always get asked to leave.

I'll go out this trap door. Boop. I didn't like the trap door thing, but at least he's gone come in paul right hello sound effect right hello we are in the uh the soda jerk segment of froth shop stop putting things on the table we're gonna have to drink off the table it's the noise of the table which people imagine we'd be drinking off what do they imagine we're floating we're floating in the air the ice has melted so that's pointless now, isn't it?

We can't use that. I'm going to pour it out the window. And it's a chipped glass. What shit's this? Well, I'll have to try not to... I've chucked it out the window. Can you chuck mine out the window as well? Stop putting it on the table, Paul!

There we go. Two successful ejaculations out of a window. Okay, shall we start with the Crodini? Yes, explain what Crodini? Yes. Explain what Crodini is. It is some sort of Italian sodie pop pour. It's in a little... Don't just start that.

Went to the fish shop, what did I see? I saw an eel looking at me. I took the eel, I put it up. Yes, you know where I did. It's in my bum and it comes out my head when I see it. Just please. That's my fault. I shouldn't

have activated it. I'm sorry. Oh, I went to the fish shop. What did I see? This is on me. Alright, fair enough. Went down to the fish shop. What did I see? I see a person come down to it. It's half an hour. Let's wrap this up. What's the drink? I have nothing. What's the drink hour let's wrap this up what's the drink i don't i have nothing i what's the drink let's pour it out let's drink it and end this episode before

we go mad it's a crudini mate crudini is a soft drink in a small glass bottle that you bought from a local shop like someone who's a bit dehydrated took a piss yes it does have a pissy color it's a lucas aid shade lucas aid shade but pissy colour. It's a Lucas-ade shade. It's a Lucas-ade shade, but yellow. Lucas shade. It's a yellower Lucas shade, isn't it? It's a brighter shade of Lucas-ade. Have you got a lighter? And I can flip this cap off. Here we go.

Daddy Cool's now going to use a lighter to take the top off the bottle. And he's not doing a very good job. But that's fine. I even find it tough. I don't have the dexterity. And's got tiny hands shut your mouth twice in one episode i'll do it every episode until you get bigger hands right i'm giving it he's poured it out i'm gonna give it a little huff now here we go oh got cream soda notes it's got some cream soda notes but i'm mostly smelling the the fruity bit whatever that is like the tangerine or something. Yes, but there's a sort of floral.

Do you know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. Like palma violets. Hedges. Hedges and daisies. It's a nice smell, isn't it? Cuckoo spit. It's a nice smell. Almost rose watery. Do you know what I mean? To sup. Oh, there is a bitter.

I was right. I was right to suggest there's a bitter. It's a real bitter orange or whatever. So it's like Campari, but different. It's a bit more fruity Campari. It's a very fruity. It takes the edge off. Because Campari is very bitter at times. Very kind of the pulp of a pomegranate kind of bitter.

But it's got a real bitterness underneath that. It's all right. I'd give that a six. Six out of ten? Yeah. The kind of creamy aftertaste and the bitterness doesn't make it as refreshing a drink as you'd like as a result, I think. Yeah, I know what you mean.

It sort of loses some kind of... It leaves a sticky aftertaste. Yeah. And that kind of takes away the refreshing. The end isn't very quenchy. It's the difference between Pepsi and Coke's aftertaste. I tend to find Coke's a bit more cleaner aftertaste where Pepsi lingers sweet syrup. Yes.

You know, and I don't like it. And that's why after you start a Pepsi, the first couple of sips are good, but then after that it's piss. It gets really syrupy. And when it gets flat, forget about it. Flat Pepsi is much worse than flat Coke. In this humble podcaster's opinion.

Now the next one doesn't have a label. I like bottles which don't have a label, but it has embossed in it its name. And what is it? Tass and it is Tassoni. Tassoni, Satrata, come on, pretty mama. Drink Camino, Campino. Baby, where do we go when we're drinking?

Kokomo. There we go. Pour you some out, Paul. Thank you. Oh, it's a very kind of appley green detergenty colour. Light, yeah. Very light. Although, to be fair, once poured out,

it's kind of almost champagne-y. What's the half you're getting? I don't know. Not as strong a half at all, is it? Slightly lime-y. I'm getting a note of lime. I'm getting lime and like bark.

Like grass. Oh, have you tasted it? Yeah. No, I'm gone. Fizz is better. The fizz is staying around. Oh, I don't know how I feel about that.

It's like a weak lime, very sweet, slightly creamy, but nowhere near bitter. Kind cidery yeah kind of cidery i like that almost perry yeah it's sort of in between a lime and an apple there's something citrusy yeah also something quite appley less grumpy and more koppenberg. But not the horrible sort of artificial apple. Apple sours thing. Yeah, none of that. Fuck me.

Because you know how much I like my fizzy candies, my apple candies and stuff. And they're intolerable. They're awful. Intolerable. Oh, I like that better than the Crodini, I have to say. I'm going to go eight for the Tassuni. I'd probably say seven.

I'm not quite taking it. Imagine it was real cold. Yeah, with icingassuni. I'd probably say seven. I'm not quite taken with it. Imagine it was real cold. Yeah, with icing. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give you that. As it stands, it's just a slightly more refreshing, fruity drink. Definitely much more quenching than the Crodini,

which has a troubling sort of finish with the bitter and the sweet sort of clashing at the end. This feels like it's got pine or something in it as well. It's hard to explain. It's got a kind of woodland, foresty... I like it. ...ambience. They're very good with their soft drinks. They've got their whole world of their own flavours out there.

Right, are you two finished? Are you two finished? Because I've got to close this place down and go to the knocking shop for me. Fucking evening drillings. Your evening drillings. I won't say no more because I'm meant to be family friendly candy man. And if anyone knows, I get up to fucking all kinds of dirty, dirty business. Like what?

I can't tell you. You sleep with prostitutes, do you? Well, no, I don't sleep with prostitutes. No, I don't do that. What do you do, Mr. Wanker? So, all right. So I clean out the pigs. What pigs?

Why do you need pigs to make sweets? You don't need to know where I get the pigs from. You don't need to know where they're sourced. I'm not saying where do you get the pigs from. I'm saying... We're leaving. I'm not going to talk to this Willy Wanker guy. You tell him.

Yeah. You tell Willy Wanker. I'm not talking to you, mate. Don't look at me. Who are you talking to right now, just so I know what's going on? I'm talking to you, Paul. Right, okay. Yes, Eli.

But through you, I'm talking to Willy Wanker. Right, he's not talking to me then, no more. Paul, just tell him we don't want to use him for this segment in the future and we'll be going to a different... Mate, you need to read the fucking contract. I've got a six-episode deal, so you want to bring it up with my lawyer? Who's your lawyer? Character.

We don't have yet. This hasn't worked at all, Paul. Shut up, it's working. Not you. Willy Wanker, shut up. Paul, I'm slamming the door. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. Right, well, you're going to upset him now. He was very kind enough to welcome him into

his lovely, froth-shot 2.0. I don't think he's a nice person and I don't think he's very well-rounded or well-written. You don't want to hear about me pigs. Are you talking through the door now? Yeah, through the keel. Okay, thanks, Mr. Wanker. Unless you've got some kind of pug, chod,

spod or roundel. No, I don't know what he's talking about either. Well, I'll see you next time boys and girls. Well, that was a successful episode of Cheap Show. We went to the froth shop. We had a lovely letter.

Eli's given up. up seriously no joke it we are tip to toe in sweat i'm sorry everyone i'm sorry quality what should we do to atone for our naughtiness nothing we can do i can't i can't pull out hey i can't pull out anything i can't find anything within myself that is in any way funny can i reach inside you and try and pull something out that's funny? Where would you go in, Paul? Well, join us after the break where I'll reveal what orifice I invade Eli in

for the sake of a cheap gag. Bummo! Bummo's the answer. I went in via his bummo and pulled out a wacky cracker with a top gag on. And what was that gag? And that gag was...

Read it. It's right there. Hang on. I'll read it out to you. How many Eli's does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know. 20.

So together they have the size of one hand to twist the light bulb off. Ha ha ha. What a wizard jape. So this is the end. Oh, mate. I'm sorry, everyone. Oh, my.

I can... Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry the oh mate i'm sorry everyone oh my i can well i'm sorry i'm sorry too i'm sorry listen if you still like us we do have a patreon it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show and if you donate wow if you good timing on the asking for money bit yeah i know but we've got to get it out the way to the admin part of the show the bit that most people don't like listening to i know i skip these bits when i listen to other people's out of the way to the admin part of the show, the bit that most people don't like listening to. I know I skip these bits when I listen to other people's podcasts where they do all the admin. Oh, dear. I know how to spring up this thing.

Spring up this thing? This is how we're going to spring up this thing. We're going to do the admin via the gift of sound. Thank you for coming to our pod. We hope you liked it quite a lot. Here's the email so you can email in the show. It's thecheapshow at gmail.com and you can use social media too. At Paul Gannon's show you'll say,

and Eli is... E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D I think I've made this worse. So if you want to support us on Patreon, of course you can. Go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish. Fish is looking at my head and it's gone round. We also have a P.O. box as well.

It's on our website, you can tell. Scroll there when you feel like hell. You'll find all the info there. Haddock here a P.O. box as well. It's on our website, you can tell. Scroll there when you feel like hell. You'll find all the info there. Haddock here, haddock there. Tuna farmer, I don't care. I've got a big squid. Our website's 13thshow.co.uk.

Yep, hooray. You can go there any day and see things for yourself. Each episode's got a page for it. You can see the stuff we buy. It's funny, it'll make you laugh and maybe make for yourself. Each episode's got a page for it. You can see the stuff we buy. It's funny, it'll make you laugh and maybe make you cry. Colossal squid, colossal squid, colossal squid, colossal squid, colossal squid, colossal squid, colossal squid, colossal squid. I think that's all the admin that I can fathom in my head.

There's Facebook, Instagram and something instead. I've forgotten the rest. Anchovy, anchovy, anchovy, anchovy, anchovy, anchovy. Oh, colossal squid. I think I've worn out this old gag. I better stop it before it gets bad and end this podcast so I feel glad that I can hit the booze again. Fish, water, fish, water, fish, water, fish, water, fish,

water, fish, water, fish, water, fish. That's all I'm going to do Bye ladies and gentlemen This has been our worst episode ever Finally we got there At last We finally got there Eli high five please Excellent

See you next week On the only podcast That refuses to die Bye that refuses to die. Bye.