CheapShow - Ep 241: HR Guff And Stuff

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

Sometimes it's nice to have a nice and chilled episode of the podcast, isn't it? After the heat induced madness of last week, the Cheap Chaps are in a much more reflective and incisive mood. After a tat packed edition of Price of Shite, the boys also take a look at more strange and wonderful novelty pieces of music. It all sounds absolutely lovely. They reflect on Morecambe & Wise, the joys of Spam, try to figure out what "Monopoly Deal" is supposed to be and listen to the charming middle-class wit of impressionist Rory Bremner. Eli and Paul also listen to an 80s deep cut track that spoofs self-help gurus and comes backed up with an impressive amount of talent. You see? Lovely stuff, all sourced from charity shops. At no point does Eli kick off and go to the CheapShow HR department to complain about Paul. Even though Paul runs HR. And everything else. It's a nice show. Honest. See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-241-hr-guff-and-stuff And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, everybody. Hello. Eli here. Paul here. Cheap show. Do you want to be my friend? Time of day, week time, day time week. Give it more than 20 seconds before you start talking shit.

That's not shit. Every morning, big week time person. It's just on this arbitrably bum flub. You made me lose words out of my mouth. You are, who's talking nonsense now? I do it out my mouth you who's talking nonsense now I do it out of frustration who's talking nonsense now

alright fish song let's put this to bed let's put the fish song to bed right now I don't think we should go back to fish song no we did have to mention

the origin of fish song has been the spidey fish song no I don't have the information to hand I said save it for the proper part of the show not the cold open

before the credits oh this is ok so what am I this is just idle banter. No, no, no, I actually, actually, I need, I'm unclear. I'm sorry.

I apologise to you. What are you unclear about after six years? I'm unclear about the terms of the cold open. So I'm just going to pop upstairs because the HR guy, Paul, he's really good at this.

So can you just hold on a second? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every fucking time. Hello, come in. Hi. Oh, hello, Eli. Now, this is the fourth time today you've been to HR. Well, this is important because I just was doing the cold open now.

And could you tell me what is required of me when I do the fucking cold open? What I'm allowed to fucking say and not say? What am I allowed to say? Bossman Paul, whip it. Shall I just get my bum right out winking winking

winking winking winking winking winking winking have you quite finished what are the terms

of the fucking cold open do you think that's appropriate show me the cold open contract do you think it's appropriate for this behaviour and this tone

to come into HR and start listing the lands I'm sorry I raised my voice I'm going to have to obviously dock you again some pay for this month. Are you in charge of that as well? I am, unfortunately, yeah, because Paul quit.

So Paul came in to do the finance. And you're Paul, are you? Well, I'm the Paul who does the HR, but later on I'll be Paul for finance. Now, there's also CEO Paul, but he's not in at the moment, he's busy. But you can talk to Paul, the secretary, and he can make a booking for Paul

to see Paul if you want to see Paul later. I would like to see Paul, yes, for sure, yeah. And then you can go to paul the secretary and he can make a booking for paul to see paul if you want to see paul later i would like to see paul yes yes sure yeah and then you can go down and see paul downstairs i would like i like downstairs yeah he's more sort of he's earthy yeah street name however this paul is going to send a note to the paul in finance that says to dock your pay by i'm going to say 50 no i just want to know it doesn't matter it's not about the money for me good then i'm going to dock all of it fine bye bye no i wanted the cold open i've got i want to know Look it doesn't matter It's not about the money For me Good then I'm going to Dock all of it Fine Bye Eli Bye No

I wanted the cold open I want to know about I'm not going I'm still in the HR office Well bye What do you mean bye I'm still here Oh hello

Oh hello Eli It's Paul Hi Paul I'm from finance I've just got this note From Paul from HR Saying to dock your pay How he wrote that quickly

How did he send it to you A fucking message tube Like out of Brazil or something? Wow. He's going... See, I was on your side for a minute now. Make the noise of one of those.

I was on your side for a second there. I was going to give you your money back, but if that's your attitude, then I'm just going to say to Paul in HR... I'd just like to know

what I'm allowed to say. Is Fish Song out in cold open? Yes. Okay. That was Paul from Creative. All right, he's just stuck his head round. Yeah, let's do some marketing. I'm Paul from Creative. Is that a cold open yes okay that was Paul from Creative alright he's just stuck his head round

yeah let's do some marketing I'm Paul from Creative is that a cold open this has been 3 minutes and 45 seconds it's meant to be about 1 minute is that cold enough

I am suitably chilled alright everyone look out for the discussion of the fish shop song right after this thank you I hate you and your fucking

noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite

Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle It's Cheap Show time The podcast that goes through the trash and detritus of the world And brings you the lovely things that we discover A pin it

Oh The smugness I crept in a couple of words before you said the opinion it's like my brain doesn't like me to be confident a ping it a pin it upon it upon it yeah welcome the cheap show hello everyone oh we've done the music have we we've done the music now we can get on to covering some loose ends from last week tie up the fish guts so that toy we found last week the superman fuck paul it is spider-man though it is spider-man isn't it you're right you don't make me go get it we can't do it don't make me get spidey it's a toy called spidey. Yeah, and it had shit sweets in, but it was mostly a disco light with a bit of music slapped on. Yeah.

So the episode goes out, and all kublai me people loved the fish shop song. Well. But we didn't really care about where it came from, but a lot of you listening did. Do you know what, Paul? Just to say, I did suspect it was some kind of pop thing. It sounded to me like something like the Crazy Frog being the original example of it.

You know what I mean? Just like a designed, an earworm designed in the studio by people. That's essentially what it is. From what I can piece together from Twitter, a lot of people are saying it's based on a reasonably well-known Japanese folk song that sometime in the last, I don't know, 10, 15 years,

a CGI or anime cartoon character did a cover of that, and that's the version that they stole for this toy, which is called, what, Hitume, something or other? Hatsune Miku Levan Polka. Polka. Now, a polka obviously is a European dance, old dance form, isn't it? Because someone else said.

And that's that rhythm. Yeah. But someone said it was a polish folk song it obviously is a very sort of folk song and that's probably why we sort of hooked into a sort of primal folk rhythm for our fish shop sort of rendition you probably you probably pulled that out as a sort of memory from from your past you know well not that your past the past of your peoples they were were fish, probably fish harvesting peoples. This folk archetype, this rhythm awoken in you,

a deep primal fish relationship memory within your heart. Do you know what I mean? Fuck off! You twat. It came out. The fish love a fish I'm allergic to fish Ah

Ah Even then that's another level Of self-denial What do you mean There's no self-denial You deny yourself fish For good medical reasons But

The denial of the fish Means you've got the negation Of the fish within you Awaiting The folk rhythm To rattle it out To rattle it out of you Shut up I don't know why I said fish shop The folk rhythm to rattle it out. To rattle it out of you.

Shut up! I don't know why I said fish shop, but there's no deeper-seated evil level of... It's an old folk song. Something or other. And some anime cartoon character did a cover, and that cover was the one that was stolen for the toy. Do you think the people who made the toy bought the copyright for it?

No. No. They probably... It's got a kind of ringtone feel to it, right? Yeah. So you they probably it's probably it's because it's got a kind of ringtone feel to it right yeah so you can imagine it's one of those things that ended up on a kid's phone as a dumb app or it's a i know but it's funny how that's what happens with these things these days yeah that they just end up on toys like you make a pop record and you know it's almost as if art becomes sifted till it just becomes like a little a button you press these tiny little loops

a reaction a kind of social meme emotional kind of yeah it's putting a little meme it's putting a meme

into a toy it's not a phone or anything it's not as expensive it just puts it into the into this shit throw away but it just fires off something in your brain

which is like terrible stuff it's weird it's very weird how we've boiled things down to snatches and loops and samples as kind of like like soundboards and things like that well that's what's happening with music because there's people coming through who are sort of pop stars from tiktoks and tiktoks at 15 seconds max something like that i don't know song a whole song i'm not doing that's short for a song but that's it that's all but it's it's it

sounds no different than crazy frog you know it It is like, what's the quality? The way that it's... But it's the way the voice is sort of treated. And treated. And there's a... sound effect all the way through. Yes, you can see it's catchy.

Here's the thing though, on that YouTube video that explained what the song was called. Here's what they've put in the description. And obviously, it's a generational thing

and they're speaking to a much younger crowd and audience. I don't know what the fuck's being said here. So it just says, why am I doing this? Press CC button, bro. And if you don't know how to, go watch a tutorial. Don't forget where we are on YTB

and shame on you. Shame-y on you. You don't know. And we are in 2019. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. You don't know. And we are in 2019. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. I don't know, Paul. And there's lyrics, and apparently they've been translated, so no one knows if they're any good, but it goes,

The sound of the poker drifting from a neighbour and set my feet a-tapping. No, Leather's mother had her eye on her daughter, but she never let her fool, you know, because she's going to listen to mother say no. We're all busy dancing to and fro. Leather with a smiling and a fiddle was awaiting, and the people granted wish to her luck. Something like that.

Thanks, Paul. That was all right, actually. I don't think that quite scans. Obviously, you know, there's a whole language barrier separating the translation, as we found with the winky translation. There you go, then. Let's put the fish song, the fish shop song, as it will always be known in our hearts.

I'm going to. Around these parts. Mate, I've gotten the fish song, the fish shop song, as it will always be known in our hearts. I'm going to... Around these parts. Mate, I've gotten the fish song to dig its own grave. I've taken it to the forest. It's crying. It's going, why? What have I done?

I'm saying, I'm just the man who killed... Perhaps it's running off and I'm lurking behind another tree. No, get back. Yeah, you get it. Bosses, get back. You can't. You've got it now.

Fish shop. Dig your grave, fish song. Shall I dig the grave, Paul? No, he has to fucking dig his grave. Yeah, so you dig. Fish song. Fish song. Dig your grave.

Ooh, I'll carve you. So he's digging his grave and he's crying. He's like, I've got a family and kids. And we're like, we're just doing our job, mate. And then he digs the shallow grave. I've got a fucking grudge. And I stand behind him and you can hear the

and then it's all over with a pull of a trigger. The gunshot rings out loud. A few birds fly into the trees and a sound effect is heard. And then the body slumps to the floor. The fish song is dead. The floor isn't, doesn't even...

No, we roll him in. I'm sick of this now. We roll him in. I'm sick of killing the fish song. Eli, roll that fish song in dead. No, we roll him in. I'm sick of this now, Paul. I'm sick of killing the fish song. Eli, roll that fish song in the grave. Sorry. He's a heavy bastard, boss. I don't know if I can do it, boss.

There it goes. And scene. So welcome to the Cheap Show. This week on the podcast. What's on the course coming up on the show today? We've got a lovely price of shite and we have a rather interesting, we think,

Spilverman's Platters. It's even hotter than last week. It's not actually. It's a lot cooler than last week. I am sweaty. Can you see my

liquid forehead from there? No. Behold the liquid forehead. It doesn't look too sweaty to mine eye. Feel, touch the

forehead. You have permission. No, come on. You have permission. I don't want to touch it. Permission. Put your finger, come on. Put your finger. Put your finger on the head. Put, touch the forehead. You have permission. No, come on. You have permission. I don't want to touch it. Permission. Put your finger.

Come on. Put your finger. Put your finger on the head. Put your finger. Hello. Put your, dab your fingertips on the old head. The liquid forehead.

I dab my thumb upon your helmet. Come on. Look. Come on your helmet. No. Aren't we going to have to roll together? I'll demonstrate with this.

Mate, we're almost. Cigarette paper. Look at this. Come on. It's not that sticky. It is stuck completely to my head, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, but I almost... Cigarette paper, look at this, right? It's not that sticky. It is stuck completely to my head, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, but I could do that. As you can see. I bet your forehead isn't as wet as that. I know. I'm handing him a Rizzler. All right. Glue outwards.

So it doesn't... It's facing you, the glue. Yes. I let my glue face you. Please let the glue be me face wing. And now I am slapping the paper upon me forehead.

Up in me forehead. Yes. Ah! There me forehead. Yes. Ah! There you're right. Failed. Right, I'm sopping here, Paul. There can be no two words about it. Well, there's one.

Sopping. What's another one? Wet. Wet. Yeah, so there's at least two words for it. At least two words. Words for it. Shall we crack on?

Yeah. Is it the prize? Is it the prize? Is it the prize? Is it the prize? Is it the prize? Is it the prize? That's right.

Point Dexter. That sounded like Cilla Black was doing it for a minute there. It was weird. It was like you turned it in surprise, surprise. With Poindexter. It's the real Ghostbusters and Slimer. Poindexter's here. Why is Poindexter here for the Price of Shite segment? Which I didn't get to say, and that's right,

because Poindexter, Paul, would focus. I put that as part of my new take on the jingle, Paul. I incorporated the... Didn't consult me. I'm going to have to go speak to HR about this. Excuse me one second. Oh, God. Door sound effect.

Hi, Paul. Hi, Paul. Sit down. Thank you. So what are things... Oh, I'll just go. Bye. Come on.

Come back from HR, you coward. What did they say? I don't get on with Paul at HR. I know. He's a bit weird, Paul. He's a bit like? I don't get on with Paul at HR. I know. He's a bit weird, Paul. He's a bit like, he's kind of like spiteful. Yeah. Weird.

He's a cunt. I mean, I don't like him. Right. So, point dexter, Paul. For you at home, maybe listening to this podcast for the first time. God, I'm sorry if you are. We have true, we truly empathize and pity you. But on this game we're about to play,

where we guess the price of tat, essentially. Sourced from charity shops, usually. Points are represented. They have the name, the label, Petwings. In our world, Paul, in our world. That's the thing. The thing is Petwings. And we're after those Petwings hardcore.

It's not just a game for me and Paul. I'll tell you, the drama's really eating up After I've wiped the floor While I played the special gamble roll last time Oh He just dropped Poindexter's dropped He didn't

He's dropped onto my crutch Not now So here's the thing Not now Poindexter Poindexter is our point keeping security teddy Secure teddy Who looks after the points There he is So we can't dabble with them Dexter. Point Dexter is our point keeping security teddy. Secure teddy. Who looks after the points so we can't dabble with them. He did fall onto my knob.

Usually Eli and I sort out the price of shite but because we have a PO box details at the end of the episode people have been very kindly sending in a price of shite of their own. So this week we have a price of shite sent to us from Lovely bespoke prices of shite. This comes from Kim and Kim says to Eli and Paul enclosed is a price of shite sent to us from... Lovely, bespoke prices of shites. This comes from Kim, and Kim says to Eli and Paul,

enclosed is a price of shite sourced for you from charity shops. Here are some clues to help you guess. One, one item was reduced multiple times but was still overpriced. Two, one was part of a two-for-one offer and therefore the cheapest item. And three, all items together came to a total of

£6. All items together total of £6. And there are one, two... There are five items. So, what's she saying? Two of those were a twofer and we have to guess that as well? Are there extra betwings here? Is there any betwing details coming? I hope so, Paul. I fucking hope

so. I think what they're saying is there's one item, but it was part of a two for one pound deal so there isn't the second item in this deal it's the price yeah so it was 50p it could be potentially two per two put two per two wings there what do you mean potentially well it might be one one was 50 one was 70p but if you get them from a box oh i think you know what i mean it might have been something weird like how does this person sorry what was their name kim kim how does kim know what the actual price of might have been something weird like that. How does this person, sorry, what was their name? Kim. Kim.

How does Kim know what the actual price of that item was then? I've got questions, Paul. Look, maybe the answers. I just want Petwings. Maybe the answers will be revealed. I just want an opportunity to win Petwings. Can I just say, I also owned your ass at the last one. Did you?

Yes, I wiped the floor with you with Petwings last time. It's like severely. I got eight and you got three or something. Yeah, all right. Yeah, alright. So before you get on your little big cocky rock horse and ride it off into success

Sutton set, how about you dial it down, measure yourself, and don't be too cocky. This is a serious fucking game. And you ride in like

Bronco Bill riding upon the Petwing rodeo. Just while you do this Paul, while you say this, Bronco Bill made me feel a bit of a Petwing Rodeo. Just while you do this, Paul, while you say this, can I... Bronco Bill made me feel a bit of a Petwing.

Conrad seems to have... Conrad seems to have dropped somewhat. He's not called Conrad. It's not dropping. Fuck the name. It's not dropping. I fuck the name! I called him Conrad because it says that on his shirt. I'm sorry. Poindexter. You misnamed him.

Okay. Kim, let's see what Kim has to say to finish. Hang on. Kim also says, P.S., if you use this on your show, can you please give a shout out to my best friend, River? They love Cheap Show and introduced it to me via the necrotic leg hole story. Fucking hell. It's almost like fucking hell, isn't it?

Yeah. It's like actually putting your penis into a portion of hell. Yeah. No, we won't be penis into a portion of hell. Yeah. No, we won't be giving a shout out to Friend River because this is not fucking Steve Wright in the afternoon. So moving on. And then everyone starts tech writing in saying, please give a shout out to me, mum. It's her 50th birthday. We don't do that.

She really likes Keith Chegwin. Can you play Swap Shop, babe? No, this isn't Radio 1 in the 80s. Right. So thanks, Kim. And we've got a sealed... Can I put those ceremonially under the sweet, sweet bot-bot of Poindexter? There we go.

Poindexter, the points-keeping bear. He's sat astride them with his powerful thighs. Great. Let's move on. Do you think I've over-sexualized Poindexter? No. All right. Good.

I'm ready to win some twinks here. You've done much worse than over sexualize him. You've draped him in your grizzly man fat for the sake of I have not. You have.

Can we just you know we all joke around about how I have sex with that teddy. Poindexter yeah. But I don't. I haven't actually done the business.

You're lucky I don't have my UV lamp right now. Oh what? Because it shows fuck all. That's a scientifically discredited theory. Right, do you want the first item? It was invented by Judd Apatow. Is that what we're doing now? First item. Bits of Judd Apatow

fucking movies. First item. I'm the 40-year-old virgin. Say what you see. Oh, he's oh, that's something very poor. Very poor indeed. It's horrible plastic personalised key cover

it is however mint on card poor I think you'll agree it's in very good condition for what it is it's still in its card mounting so I mean

grapes you've not you've managed to describe things and yet at the end of your description you're no better off knowing what it is

you're holding tell people what it says on the thing and then describe the thing it says personalised key cover. Right, so it's a bit of plastic. Do you want me to read the back? Where?

Simply undo the ring and slot your key into the cover. You'll never get your keys mixed up again. It's an aid memoir to put your key head on. So your front door key looks a bit like your back door key.

Stick this condom, key condom on it. Key condom, rubber Johnny for your key. And they will never stick the wrong key in the wrong hole again.

You won't be accidentally slipping your key in the back door by accident. Oh, madam! So. Shall I open it? Yeah, I mean, I guess.

I don't, I mean, I'm going to give it back to it. You get a photo of it in there. Yeah, we do. That's a good point. And it'd be nice to give it back to charity in that form guess i don't i mean no i'm gonna give it back get a photo of it in there yeah we do that and it'd be nice to give back to charity yeah in that form because i don't want it i don't i don't i know all my keys it says on it i should say it has a sort of sign on it it's like grapes isn't it it says they didn't have your name i'd say that's funny oh it's meant to say like paul's grapes it's a humorous one they didn't have your name because your name's i don't know zander yeah and they don't have zander so the joke humorous one. They didn't have your name. Because your name's, I don't know, Xander. Yeah.

And they don't have Xander. So the joke is, here's one that doesn't have your name on. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Why don't you have it say front door or back door? Or something useful. Or window. It's trying to be funny, isn't it? Shed.

Car. Bike. It's made by a company called H&H. H&H. No, H&&H. H&&H. H&&H. Really? I'm giving them a load of free pub lists. H&H. H&H. No, H&&H. H&&H. Really?

I'm giving them a load of free pub lists. H&H. And H. No, H&&H. H&&H. What the fuck? I hate this. We both hate that item.

You're guessing first. How many items are there? There's five and it comes to six quid total. One of them is a two for one deal, so it's a cheap price. But we have no sort of clue as to what part of the world the charity shops are or anything like that in terms of details. No, we don't know any of its providence. No providence here. And I'm guessing first the first time, am I, this week?

Just this time you're going out the gate first, yes. I think that was probably in the region of 75p. You're going to keep with that before I write it down? I'd like to go up to 80. Do you want me to go 80? I want you to go 80, please. Right, I'm writing 80 down. I am going to go for 50p on the nosy. He's going to undercut me there

on the key cover. I've got a horrible feeling. I don't know. Part of me wants to think that this is the item that was marked down a lot and was too expensive. My gut says it, but I just don't know. We can go back, can't we? We can always go back. We can always re-evaluate until we get to the end. Next item. Next item, item number two.

Hand it to me, please, Paul. I don't know. I'm just pulling them out. It's a little box. And it says on the front, The Dapper Chap Spin Doctor Yo-Yo. Not the first Yo-Yo we've had on the show, Paul. Oh, it's a Yo-Yo. It's a Yo-Yo. I'm opening it-yo we've had on the show, Paul. Oh, it's a yo-yo. It's a yo-yo.

I'm opening it. It is mint. Mint on card. It's not mint on card. It's a slightly tatty box. Well, it's mint in bag. And it still has its bag. It's true.

And it's a nice finish on this, actually. Metallic finish. Let's have a little look. It's like aluminium. Oh, it is. It's like a tin. Tin finish.

It's trying to be sort of steampunk for want of a better word, isn't it? All the writing is ye olde. Not ye olde, but that sort of turn of the century. That's a chat barbershop aesthetic, isn't it? Yes. It feels like a nice quality item.

It's got a nice weight to it. Can I have a little feel? Yeah, it does, actually. It does feel like... It's a nice metal yo-yo. I can't do yo-yos at all. Shall I give it a go? Yeah, go for it.

I've never, in all my years, been able to make a yo-yo work. I can't fathom it. It's strange because you see all the people do it and I get the process involved in making it backspin so it comes back up the string,

but I can't do it. Here he goes. Oh, he gets one and a half and it's all over already. Now he's just pulling a yo-yo along the ground. No. It's hard though, isn't it? It's like pulling a yo-yo along the ground. No.

It's hard though, isn't it? It's like a... He's going to work it up. I'm winding it. He's winding it up. Don't dip, don't baby. Wind it up. Don't dip, don't baby.

Wind it up. Don't dip, don't baby. Wind it up. I've wound it up. I think that was Jerry Hallowell's song. All right, that was successful. Oh, you didn't quite grab it. It's hard to control, man.

Yeah, there you go. There you go. But you see people doing it with just a flick of the wrist. Oh, I was walking the dog. It's good, that, yeah. Yeah, you like it. It's not as good as that other yo-yo we had.

Which one? Well, the lights. Yeah. That was a long time ago. Doesn't feel as easy to do. But, you know, it looks nice. It looks well made. How much?

I'll guess how much the price is. So I'm going to say oh god, this is tricky because this is going to be really expensive. What are yo-yo prices? We don't know the order of these in terms of cheapest to most expensive. So we're in the dark. That's what I mean. And we don't know

anything. We could both be between-less. I'm going to say £1.20. £1.20 for this, which I agree is a strange price, but I'm trying to see if I can go 25p either way with the quid. £1.50. What? I'm saying £1.50.

£1.50. Right, next item. That was the figure I had in my mind. Nice little item, to be fair. It's a good-looking yo-yo. Yeah, it's just a yo-yo, isn't it? It's just a yo-yo. Definitely nice of the two items so far, definitely. Yeah. Here we go.

Next card. Here we go for you. Oh. What is it? This is Monopoly Deal, which presumably is a Monopoly game. Yeah. Card game. Transformers Edition.

So. They've re-skinned some kind of Monopoly card game with Transformers. And it has a picture of Optimus Prime in his robot form. Yes. In his Generation 1 version or something. I don't know. Is it? I don't know. Is it? Oh, it's sealed. It's not been opened. card game with Transformers and it has a picture of Optimus Prime in his robot form yes in his generation one version or something I don't know I don't know is it oh it's sealed it's not been opened it's new it's on card mate so how does how does Monopoly as a card game work is it kind of like Uno or has it got like kind of poker rules but it's just got all these rules seem to be in

Japanese yes they are yeah is it meant to be? This is a Japanese item. No, it doesn't look Japanese because it's got English on the back. Oh, there's a sticker on the back. 2016 Hasbro. Number of robots won attack value frenzy. It's manufactured in France. But I don't understand how it's Monopoly. Do you?

No. Oh, the instructions. They're all in Japanese. Oh, they are in Japanese. And it looks really fucking complicated. But, Paul, do you remember that... You've got that Monopoly... Speed. Which is a card game Japanese. And it looks really fucking complicated. But Paul, you remember that, you've got that Monopoly Speed, which is a card game, isn't it? No.

Monopoly Speed is a board game and it says you can play this in 10 minutes and you get a timer and it beeps every couple of minutes to tell you how to move the game on. But effectively, it's basically the way to play is, everyone plays Monopoly at once, going around the board and buying what they can

until the timer rings and then after that you get to swap and do whatever and buy things and then you do it again you race around the board so everyone's playing the game

at the same time and grabbing cards and when it's all over you rack up what you've got okay I've spotted a Monopoly card game in the local Tesco they're selling it now

in Britain a Monopoly card game so presumably it's the same I think it is called Monopoly Deal it just seems like it's got very little to do with monopoly other than some vague color coordination and iconic kind of iconography sorry of the monopoly art because looking at this in jack oh no it's on english on the back ah there you go let's have a let's have a Monopoly Deal Transformers is all about collecting

sets of robots and stealing from your opponents. Use action cards to attack with a robot. Swap cards, demand energon and lots more. Make sure you put

a lot of energon into your personal stores or the players will steal from you too. Collect Autobots, Decepticons, Robot Cities and planets.

I've got a question, Paul. Can I be the top hat? No. Exactly. How is that Monopoly? It's not. It doesn't even seem remotely like Monopoly. It's got nothing to do with Monopoly at all.

It's just a card trading game. Because I did see that Hasbro have just released a bunch of board games called mashups. So, for example, they've got one which is half perfection and half operation. Okay. What's perfection? Perfection is the one where you've got a grid full of shapes and you press the thing down and you've got to get all the shapes in before the timer pops the tray okay is that a famous game was that in the 80s that's an mb games back from 70s 80s so that kind of works you've got to put the operation things in with tweezers before

the timer pops the tray up there's also a guess who cludo's mashup and then there's i think it's monopoly and game of Life mash up. Surely we should do that on the show. The guests who Cluedo mash up. They're not cheap. They're going to start turning up in charity shops.

Maybe. But right now, there's a Hasbro mash up. So they take two ball games and they mash up. Are they doing a sort of scarcity marketing? There was loads in that

Smith's I went to the other day. So they'll turn up, won't they? Monopoly and Jenga was the other one. And Game of Life and Sorry was the other one. We have to Life and Sorry was the other one.

We have to do these. We should try them. Are you going to keep them for your own channel? Maybe, but I haven't made a video on that for months. We could play them. Anyway, Monopoly deal. Complicated, but someone might like it. I can't fathom it.

How much do you think this costs? I have to guess first, which allows me to speculate, Paul. And Kim mentioned that one was overpriced and kept being taken down but was too expensive it was still too expensive i have a feeling someone working in a charity shop go oh they're all they're into that these days these sort of retro yeah yeah yeah yeah and overpriced it you know what i'm getting at yeah i'm getting out with that so that could be the most expensive yeah because it was still overpriced there's no indication of which is the most expensive no that one that's not going to be part of a twofer so how much do you think it is i'm really lost in the weeds on this one i'll be honest with you three i think it's two pounds 60

i'll go 260 yeah i was going to go two pound on the nose okay i'm going to stick with that as we go on to our fourth penultimate item. Quite a nice selection. Classic selection of Price of Shine items so far. Now we have a Comedy Classics hardback book, Morkham and Wise. They're funny. It's jokes, one-liners and sketches. Allow me, Paul. Now these books,

I always kind of hate their existence because they take things that you like from Morkham and Wise out of context and just slap it in a book randomly. So you miss the nuance of the scene and the character and the delivery. It's just like, remember that line where he goes, you're not going to sell many ice creams going that speed. Now see if you can guess the punchline to this joke.

All right. I'll be Ernie. Now for the record, Cheap Show loves Morkman Wise and we're not taking the piss, but it's just one of the things about these books I don't like. See if you can see. Go on. So I'm Ernie. You'll reply with the punchline as Eric.

Yeah. Can you telephone from an aeroplane? I can telephone from any vehicle. Yes. Is it? Sort of. Everyone can telephone from an aeroplane, can't they? Yeah. Alright, good. I'm as funny as Eddie Bray, the writer of More Coming Wise. Always not going to sell many ice creams

going at that speed. Still a great guy. Now, who does it say? Does it actually say? It says their funniest one-liners. No, it'll just be from stuff taken from their TV show. So the people who wrote this material for them will not be getting anything from this? Largely, it's going to be, I would say, a lot of it will be Eddie Braben's material

from when he started working with them. You think it gets paid? I don't know. They always turn up in the works and things, don't they? It's stocking fillery type. Grandad looked welcoming-wise. Toilet? Yeah, put them in the toilet.

And then it's just broken upery type Grandad looked welcoming wise Toilet Yeah put him in the toilet and then it's just broken up into all the little lines So when Grandad goes and has a difficult movement at least he'll be able to reminisce

about watching ITV in 1975 Yeah well they weren't on ITV in the 70s they did move to the late 70s early 80s so whatever

Oh wow Nerd alert. More Queen Wise, if you don't know, if you're an international listener, is a much-loved comedy double act that was on the BBC and we're genuinely fantastic. Can I just say something?

We still love them. Can I say something? You're going to say their shit. I'm not going to say their shit, Paul, but I didn't care for it. Fine. I don't care for them. Fine.

You can see that they're very good at what they do. Good at what they do. And never really connected with you. Doesn it. Fine. I don't care for them. Fine. You can see that they're very good at what they do. Good at what they do. And never really connected with you. Doesn't. Fine. In my funny bone. I have to admit that. Do you know what I mean?

I put that on the table. All right. Here's something that's just annoyed me off the back of the book, off the front of the book, in the book. Ping the book. So it says here, introduction, and it says Ernie and Eric, like it's a script. And it's like, hello, welcome to the book.

Well, no, they're dead. So who's writing these lines oh that's awful it's sort of a comedic dead sea scrolls ernie i would like to thank you for the money eric they may not be buying it might be just be flicking through the pages looking for the juicy bits like who is putting the words in their mouths yeah i don't like this it's all a bit ghoulish isn't it there is a section by eddie brabham here maybe so maybe he wrote these bits yeah the book the most important part of any show that we did was the opening spot it set the standard for the rest of the comedy content either provided a confidence booster for eric or ernie or left them more than a little apprehensive if it didn't work i could be found

quaking in the corridor outside the studio showbiz anecdote yeah but and then he goes on to you know talk about the ideas they came up with and some of the sketches and things like that so you know it's not a terrible thing but i'm not into it but if you're a comedy fan then yeah maybe it's nice to see and have and reminisce but it's kind of useless yes at least it can be recycled i like more coming wise but i wouldn't want to buy this uh a guy called Louis Barthes, who is a comedy historian and writer, has recently written a book on Morecambe and Wise. And if it's based on quality of his other books, it's very good. So check that out.

It's like, that's not the best way. Morecambe and Wise quips on the page. You started this whole discussion with that point, so I'm not going to make it. No, but it's true. It doesn't translate. It's more for you to go, yeah, I remember that. Yeah.

Right, so how much do you think the uh more and wise book is i'll go first this time i'm just gonna say a quid that looks like a quid we've got one more item to go haven't we paul yeah i'm gonna say a quid and what am i can you tell me my prices so far please three items that's the fourth you've said 80p 150 and 250 uh so that's what three four pound 80 50p i'll say for that you're going to say 50p right and the final item it's another book

I can tell you that he's handing it to me this is a spam cookbook this is a nice thing now already I'm into this Paul this is nice another hardback nice cover

beautiful colour dust jacket yeah with a vintage spam ham portrayed on the I think everyone knows what spam is but if you don't it's a kind of what colour dust jacket with a vintage Spam ham portrayed

on the cover. I think everyone knows what Spam is, but if you don't, it's a kind of what? What would you call Spam? It's luncheon meat, isn't it? It's a mixture of pork and ham, hence the name. Spam. And they grind it up and then churn it out of a pipe and then you turn it into like... My mum would use it for corned beef

hash, you know, where you mash it up and then put it into mashed potato and stir it around. I love that. Yeah, I didn't like it. You didn't like it? I found it haunting. It is sort of austerity food and it became extremely popular, didn't it, after the Second World War, I believe. And it's probably

Python. And via Python, it is the origin of the word spam for unwanted email correspondence. Oh, yeah. Isn't it? I forgot about that. Which is strange. You forget about the relationship between those kind of things.

Because Monty Python have one of the most famous sketches about spam, which is about sort of a working class cafe where they all eat spam, which was probably quite real thing in post-war Britain. Do you know what I mean? But then the Vikings start singing spam. all Britain. Do you know what I mean? But then the Vikings start singing spam. But then a computer nerd who was programming in the 80s named it spam after that sketch from Python. So what's in the book then? Just recipes

of how to use spam? Yeah. Great. I made some spam fritters recently. Yeah? So what? Just a slice of spam in a frying pan and then you flip it like bacon? No, you get breadcrumbs. Proper batter and get it crispy and then the spam meat is really

when it's really warm through it's nice and soft very salty. Bam. Oh spam. Spam. Don't start singing the Chris Johnson song.

I was gonna. Now. Oh it's got a bit about the history of spam. Here's some spam fams. Spam fams. Spam. Spam family.

It is a spam family. Oh yeah it is. It's a family of people oh yeah it is motioning towards his spam javelin they're all overweight spam mam come here for spam dad oh some vintage there's not a lot of recipes oh no because it's doing the history so fair enough it's a cookbook you've got a cookbook yeah because they had to pan it out when they came up with four recipes like wartime memories wartime america it's it's strangely one of the Western foods that's really big in Japan. Is it?

Yeah, huge in Japan. Spam fritters. You can get it in their McDonald's or whatever. Do they see it the same way? They do a spam burger in their McDonald's or something. Do they see it the same way they kind of culturally see KFC, which is kind of like an oddity from the West that they've...

Totally. But they do that all the time. Things like the curry, you know, katsu curry, which is hugely popular in Japan and other places. That's from Indian curry. that they've... Totally. But they do that all the time. Things like the curry, you know, katsu curry, which is hugely popular in Japan and other places. That's from Indian curry. They've taken that from Indian curry.

And ramen noodles, their whole noodle culture is from Chinese. It's from Chinese noodles. Find the recipe because I'm already getting bored talking about spam. Japanese, their food,

their take on food is delicious. That's what I just, that's what I think. There's a spam mug. There's sandwiches, breakfast special, sliced Spam, scrambled egg, sliced tomatoes and watercress sprigs.

Like the sound of that, Paul? Yes. Just move on. I'm bored of Spam. There we go. Mixed mashed Spam. Listen to this, mate. This is good.

Mixed mashed Spam with a little crust, then chopped lemongrass, chopped coriander and a sprinkling of desiccated coconut. Woo! A few drops of soy sauce, bean sprouts or bok choy. I'm doing that. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam Get your spam out, get your cock. Stick it in like it's hard as rock. Put your spam around your cock and throw a bit hock. Spam's always coming, your spam. Spam, spam, come on, your spam.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you, spam, spam. Spam, spam, spam. Fish, spam, spam. Paul, we weren't going to do it. Damn you. Oh, it's run out of battery. Yay. Thank fuck for that.

It came back from beyond the grave. Paul, I'm putting this away now. Yeah. I... Did you see the self-control I had there? Yeah. When you were doing the spam thing? I didn't go.

I didn't start saying spam, spam, spam. We've got to just move on. Spam, spam, spam. Fish, spam. I didn't say fish, spam. Fish, spam, fish, spam, fish. I didn't say it. Fish, spam.

Fish, spam. Fish, spam. Fish, spam. Spam, spam. Come on, mate. How much do you want to save fish, spam, fish, spam. Spam book. Spam price. Come on, mate. How much do you want to save for the spam fucking book? Oh. Spam ghoulish.

Am I first on the spam book? Yes, you are with this one. 70p. 70p, he says. Now, what have I got so far? 50, 120. I've got one, two, three, four. So £4.50.

You're just going to top it up to six quid and see what fits. I'm going to say £1.25. £1.25. Just to kind of split the whole thing. Well, it's time for the Petwings to ring out. Poindexter sitting betwixt them his thighs. The Petwingeth lies. And I, my wingeth, I take the Petwingeth.

I'm ready to receive a Petwingeth petringeth. I'm ready to receive a petringeth. Fucking hell. I'm ready, Paul. These segments would be so much shorter.

If I didn't go wingeth and swingeth. And then fuck a teddy bear before my eyes. Fuck him. He's sitting there.

There's no contact. He's just in the crotchal area. You're in charge of revealing the scores and I will read out the results that I have written down here.

You have written all of the price guesses down, Paul. Now, it's a nice sealed envelope. There's no way I could have gotten in and tampered with it. No, it's quite well sealed. I'm going to rip the flap at the top. Oh, no, that's not even. I'll tell you what. No, I've got it.

I'm ripping. Nice clean rip against the tape line. A nice simple tear along the top of the envelope. Nice along the tape line. Nicely done. Nicely secured tape. Yeah. Wrapped all around. Oh, look at envelope. Nice, along the tape line. Nicely done. It's nicely secured tape. Yeah. It wraps all around.

Oh, look at that. Oh, nice. Slipping, papery open. Papery opening. Get your fingers in. I'm having a little huff of the lovely... Sorry, Kim. It's like a clean world of envelopes there.

Also, look, Kim did two pictures of us. Oh, smell that envelope, man. Smell that envelope, man. Smell Kim's envelope. Huff that. Smells like your fucking sweaty face. Look, here's a picture of Eli and Paul that she's drawn. I know, that's good, isn't it?

Yeah. The height is actually more accurate on that one. Yeah. Pictures accompanying this episode will be on our website, thecheapshot.co.uk. This is written on very cute paper with a little... Yeah. Don't show me the answers. Just get rid of...

Get on with it. Right. What did we have first? What was our first item? This won't match up, will it? You go by the list and I'll just match it here. paper with a little yeah don't show me the answers just get rid of get on with it right what do we have first what was our first item this you go by the list you go by the list and i'll just match it here yeah you go by okay so the first one i have on this list yeah i don't know the look of this already oh god oh i'm wrong there go my betwings transformers cards uh Okay, yeah. I said £2. You said £2.50. £1. Oh, whack.

Wow. Next on the list. See, this is the fundamental flaw. When we don't know the order of the items, it throws our parameters off. I know. I said this could be a between list game. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it. I don't think it's ever happened, but it could be one. Certainly across the board, a blank between list.

What happens if no betwings? I don't know. Me and Poindexter have to go discuss it in the other room yes you can discuss it with paul and hr uh next on the list paul is the yo-yo right i said 120 you said 150 don't worry about any of that people because the price of the yo-yo was 1 pound 50 oh dingy ding for eli's rushing into the lead and i'm not okay i'm liking where this is going all of a sudden, Paul. Great. Turn the corner there.

The rollercoaster of Eli's engagement emotions goes up and down based on how successful he thinks he is at any one moment in time. Keyholder is the next item, Paul. Keyholder. Keyholder was our first item. We both hated that. You said 80p.

I said 50p. It was a pound. Oh. Which means I get a betwing. How many did you get there, Paul? I've got none. None. Okay. None. was a pound. Oh. Which means I get one per twing. How many did you get there, Paul? I've got none. None, okay. None.

None per twing. Right. You're going to get donut-ed. Our next item is what? Spam cookbook. Which sounds like a euphemism so much. She came home the other day. She was all horny.

And she fucking pulled my pants down and gave me a spam cookbook. I couldn't walk for a week. Nice. Nice. Right. So spam, you said 70p. I said 125. Two pounds for the spam cookbook. Fuck, I bet that was the expensive one.

Yeah. So, Morecambe and Wise book. Wise, I can tell you, part of the two for one offer. Right. So I said, I'm out then. I said a quid and you said 50p. And our survey says, Paul yeah 50p it was there we go what a between between where's the big mouth now paul i didn't have a big mouth you did about

winning last week's episode and how you should shut up eli or something like that is that what you said don't be taking betwings off just because i'm having a go now either i'm just counting how many between you got your workings okay i'm just going dexter would like to see the work i was just going to count up how many betwings you got I would like to see your workings I can I'm just counting up Boy Dexter would like to see the workings I was just going to count up how many petwings you got and give the number of petwings accordingly What are you doing here?

What you got six and I got nothing How am I even If I am fixing it I only got five didn't I? No hang on Let's have a look You got two on the nose

and one within One two three Twenty Yeah Key you were out by 25p but you still got it so that's one Yo-Yo 150 on the, so that's one.

Yo-Yo, 150 on the nose. Yeah, that's three. Didn't get Monopoly at all. You got two on the nose for the Malcolm and Wise, so that's five. And then you got 70p for spam because the book was a quid. No.

No, I didn't. Oh, you don't get what? See, I've got five. I've got five. Five, then. Still good. Still good. I'm an honest chap.

Yeah. You tried to give me a per-twing I didn't earn. I know, but it's all right. I don't take no charity per petwings, yeah, Paul? They're all mine. I don't take charity petwings from the math mind of you. And I want my petwings.

I've been through this shit with you. You humiliating me. I want proper petwings now. And I don't want... I'm not handing Poindexter to you. Because I'm going to do something special. We're going to give you a Petwing Festival. Is it like a ham cookbook?

It's a spam cookbook. Petwing Festival. No, actually. Oh, shut up. Whatever you do, it's not going to hurt me. Poindexter and I have an announcement. We've been seeing each other and giving each other points behind your back. You scored no Petwings.

He's been rubbing. Oh, look. Look at this. Look what he's doing. I don't care. I'll share him around. Yeah, you dirty point, Dexter. He is.

He's a very dirty little bit. I'm just going to put him upon my tit. Yeah, get on the nip. He likes that. Yeah. Are you lactating? Because he likes it when you do.

I'm not lacking anything, mate. Milky, milky, suck, suck, he says. He's upside down upon my tit. He's in for such a milky treat. Sport point, Dexter. What's upside down upon my teeth. He's saying, for such a milky treat. Sport point, Dexter. What fun you bring when I have to say patwing, patwing.

Patwing, patwing, patwing. Thank you very much. There you go. Special, special thanks to Kim as well. What a lovely, thank you, Kim, so much. I really enjoyed that. Some lovely items there.

I really enjoyed that. We learnt about Hasbro's spider-like grip on the whole world of culture. And we learnt a bit more about spam. On the whole world of culture. And spam. Right, bye everyone. That's that segment done. Bye.

Hello. Welcome to the section of the show I like to call Silverman's Platters. We have to go to HR. Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow- noises, isn't it? Why don't you go like that? I won't do it just because you tell me to. I won't. I'm going to do it.

Come on, kiss my ring off. Chodney ring off. Chodney. I was trying to make your section better and you've just gone to the

Chodney ring off. Chodney ring off. Shut up. Hello, welcome to Silverman's Platters. It's a little part of the show where we look at weird and wonderful discs. That we find in charity shops.

That we find in charity shops, du jour. Now, there is a patron saint of this segment. Oh, I need to talk to you about that. I know he's the unofficial patron saint. I know, but there's a problem. So he's no longer willing to be associated with Cheap Show because of certain allegations he's heard about you from HR. So there's been a number of complaints

and he's not comfortable being associated with a segment with a podcaster who has a string of grievances and a string of problems and things have been brought up. A string of problems. Yeah, so he's not comfortable being a patron saint anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, just do me this favour. I'll say going over to the patron saint of

the podcast clyde mcfatter and then you read the email out yeah okay all right all right i'm all right pinged it to you yeah door sound effect right oh yeah and now and quickly before we get on with silverman's platters this week because we've got a corker, let me tell you. I've just got to go over. You have to do it. It's in me contract. I've got to go over to the patron saint of this segment. Yes, that's right. It's Clyde McFatter. Are you there, Clyde?

I, Clyde McFatter, no longer be associated with the Cheap Show podcast due to the ongoing investigation by the HR department into the performance of Eli J. Silverman. Although it has been my pleasure to welcome these singles into the world. I can now, however, not put my name to this scene or this segment of the show due to its ongoing

litigious manner. Thank you for supporting me so far. God bless. And I can't do it because I'm smiling. Now I put it to you, Paul, that you didn't really read his email there and you made that up. It's the one you sent to me. I can't do it because I'm smiling. Now I put it to you, Paul, that you didn't really read his email there and you made that up. It's the one you sent to me. Welcome to the show, everybody.

Eli's a cunt. Fuck you. It goes without saying, but I like saying it. Right. Clyde will be back. We have two singles today. What do you want to start with? We are starting with The Commentators and Nut Nut 19 not out and it sounds like this they fought the most disastrous series in test history

they fought the most disastrous series in test history in 1984 the test series against the West Indies seemed like just another rubber, but it wasn't. It was different in many ways, and so were those who did the betting. In 1933, the England captain's average was 35. In 1984, it was 19. No, no, no, 19.

19. No, no, no, 19. 19. 19. 19. No, no, no, 19. 19 19 19 19 19 19

19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19

19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 Now, a lot of you may be thinking, ah, sounds familiar.

Why? Because it is a cash-in novelty record and released the same month as the huge hit Paul Hardcastle, 19. Here's interesting about the song. So, yes, it was based, it's a cover of Hardcastle's 19 but it came out while it was still at number 1. So this charted at number...

We don't know, this charted at 13 I believe. Yes, 13. For 13. No, 19 which would have been fun. 19 went straight to number 1 didn't it but it would have been going out of the charts. It left the charts the week after this came out well it

certainly wasn't at number one so it wouldn't have been a number it must have gone down the chart 19 was at number one for five weeks 1914 1915 sorry 1915 number 19 in 8515 do you see the connection do you see the conspiracy there's no such thing as COVID. Right. They changed the sky to high def. Okay. Now, 19, Paul Hardcastle, was a famous song. Why? A lot of reasons, Paul. It was a huge hit.

It was one of the very early uses of voice sampling, really, or sort of spoken word style sample. Do you know what I mean? It was certainly unique in terms of it wasn't so much sampling as it was with dropping sound bites into a kind of tone piece. Yes, and using the technique, which I think was associated with MIDI sampling equipment, where you could go, no, no, no, no. You could do a little bit.

Oh, you'd put it on your keyboard and just play it like a note. No, no, no, no, no. And not have to release the whole sample. So you could do that. And that was used extensively by people like Arthur Baker. Right. Arthur Baker, who did Freezes, A-E-I-O-U. A-E-I-O-U.

I sometimes cry. I sometimes cry. I do cry. A-I-O-U. A-E-I-O-U. A-O-I-O-U. I sometimes cry. I've fucking got weeping asshole problem

juicing coming out, stingy, stingy, rusty water, booby, booby. My fucking pre-cum should not be brown, ladies and gentlemen. I've got terrible seepage from the bum hole. How did we get there? How did we get there? Sorry. So, yeah.

Here's the thing I didn't know about this. One, it was an Ivor Novello songwriter award winner thing. What, 19 was? Yeah. Yes. Because it was quite a fantastic new piece. It was a breakthrough. And to get to number one's quite unique for a song like that as well.

And famously, it became, I think another reason why it's remembered and it's sort of got its status, it became the theme music when they were counting down the music on Top of the Boss. No, it wasn't. The Paul Hardcastle song was called The Wizard. Oh, it was another for the early video era because there's no artist no it's one of the first songs where it's just like there's you know it's paul hardcastle you never see him no videos just sort of uh footage from uh vietnam war stuff because

that's what the song's about about how the average age of a soldier vietnam was 19 and it's odd because it came out long time after vietnam so to bring it up and make a commentary of it was this was it something going on at the time was it like falklands or something i think i saw an interview with him once and he was like yeah it just i saw a documentary and it really made a song about it yeah fair enough and there is a vocal there's a female vocal on it so that that's an actual song bit, isn't it? Yes. Whose average age was 19? But it's taken from like sound clips and news reports and things like that. And then Sam Borden played out.

Yes. And the actual, the famous sample bit in the 19 is the voiceover guy, is the voice sample. Yeah. Yes. Here's the biggest fact that blew my mind though about this song. Who out of all the DJs working in the UK at that time, which is 1983. Championed this. No, sorry. Was it 85, sorry, championed it? Who do you think was the DJ?

The way you're looking at me with that cheeky look... It's not Noel. You're looking at cheeky looks as if it's someone I wouldn't expect to champion dance music. Someone you wouldn't associate with dance music. Yes. So get rid of John Peel. Get rid of even Noel Edmonds, who would have been past his prime

and moved on to other projects by then anyway. Who do you think it would be? Who was a big ringer of music in those eras? Steve Wright? No. Everett? No. Everett was dead by then.

No, Everett was alive. In 1985. When did Everett pass? Like mid to late 80s. Or maybe early 90s. God, I should know that. Mayo? No.

Hold the Mayo. Ixnay on the A-mo. I'll just tell you. Yeah. Tony Blackburn. I was going to say Blackburn. That was the one who came to mind first. Yeah.

But see, you know what put me off is you said he wasn't associated with dance music, but he was famously. Yeah, but... His song was a big Northern Soul hit, wasn't it? Northern Soul is not this, though. It's not this genre. Absolutely not. So for him to go...

This is electronic dance music, essentially, isn't it? But we're not here to talk about paul hardcastle's 19 we're talking about the first breakthrough of rory bremner who's a very renowned impersonator comedian actor impersonator yeah but this was his first thing apparently oh certainly it was the thing that broke him into the mainstream he might have been doing bits and bobs like circuit work or whatever of course yeah this made people realize he was and for a long this time Rory Bremner as an act was associated with cricket comedy that must have been his what he did in the clubs early getting breaking through maybe because 19 in this instance refers to how bad England did during a cricket match that year

because their average was 19 or whatever the yes references and they thought that's clever isn't it 19 like the song about teenagers dying in vietnam let's make a cover of that and they're kind of cashing in aren't they so i wonder who conceived of this but it was a hit to get to 13 in that era in britain it's good you were selling units and in fact there were two of them in the charity shop we picked this up weren't there yeah two identical ones why weird charity shop. We picked this up, weren't there, Paul? Yeah. Two identical ones. Why weird? That just happens. You get the job lots because no one wants this. Do you think a DJ had it?

It was like a radio DJ or someone who used to work in the industry and had a couple of copies. It's funny how it's described as a cover version, but it isn't a cover version because, of course, all the words are different. But the music, someone's just copied Hardcastle's synthesizer bits. Is listed on this track. Oh, it's the writer. Ah, maybe it's the exact same backing track or maybe they just

used so much enough of it that they had to give him credit that's funny isn't it so it's all paid for they paid him off so he probably

okayed this he probably thought it was funny well his people probably did yeah and it couldn't have hurt his record sales

I guess that much it came out when his record was still number one in the charts. Yeah. So it's an interesting song in that you say it's part of a very, very niche thing that Britain do where it's like novelty songs based on sports stars and sports heroes.

That was the era, as well as being the era of the novelty song Full Stop getting into the charts, isn't it? It was the beginning and the end for novelty songs, where they became bigger when they hit big, but they became less and less more common in the charts, isn't it? It was the beginning and the end for novelty songs where they became bigger when they hit big, but they became less and less more common in the charts. Really? I think so. Okay.

Because you can easily go back in the 60s and 70s and you look at the wealth of material that Frankie Howard and Kenneth Williams and Sid James and all those acts did. Arthur Mullard, for example. It's just being pumped out all the time, I guess. It was more acceptable because I think entertainment was still important on the pop charts in the UK. Hence why acts like Cliff Richard probably stuck around longer than they conceivably would have in any other country. So what happened in the 80s, it starts to be linked to pop cultural elements, the records.

That's when they really took off, didn't they? Well, that's why I don't understand because you've got songs about obviously Frank Bruno we've covered what was the other one we did Darts no Frank Bruno

there's that one the Brat no that's I know just had to get that in the Brat which is a John McEnroe

John McEnroe piss take because there was a famous John McEnroe incident at Wimbledon where he said chalk dust because it hit the hit the ball the ball was in

yeah I can't believe it did we cover that record years ago on this podcast he said chalk dust because it hit the hit the ball the ball was in yeah I can't believe it did we cover that record years ago on this podcast but anyway it's part of the same genre which I'm going to

call sports pop no um novelty sports record yeah that's just as fucking catchy isn't it

well that's what it is it's NS qualities novelty sports record if we call it NSR it sounds cooler okay we've. It's NS, qualities, novelty, sports records. If we call it NSR, it sounds cooler. Okay. We've got that latest NSR track.

Oh my God. It's so amazing. It's about the England football squad. Because there's a difference, isn't there? Football squad's releasing songs isn't the same as some are. That's to commemorate

or sort of celebrate a tournament. So these, this is pure, purely taking the piss about out of how bad Britain did. Sorry, England have done against Australia, isn't it?

Because, again, it's kind of taking the same form of the Hardcastle song, but what they've done is they've replaced it with Impressionists, or the Impressionists doing voices of the awful, like they're comparing England's horrible appearance at the cricket world, whatever, to Vietnam. Yeah, I guess. But he basically gives Rory Bremner a palette in which to do all of these commentators

who were famous at the time, I guess. And he became kind of changing. We listened to the whole thing, both sides, and we didn't... No, they couldn't tell anyone. I mean, we could get the vague... We understood the joke because we kind of heard those cricket voices.

They're still kind of prevalent in commentary but i couldn't tell you specifics it this is on wea i reckon it was probably released on the same label as um the original oh i can't tell you that i reckon that's probably true i couldn't tell you that no and neither are you interested in that but the flip we should just discuss briefly yeah before we move on it seems like it's just more the same it is called second innings which i kind of i kind of like uh b-sides that make light of the fact that they're a B-side. The most famous example being the B-side of I Could Be So Good For You, the Minded theme tune.

Yeah. The B-side being, it does call It Doesn't Really Matter. Yeah, true, but isn't that some kind of weird ballad? Yeah. It's not very good. This reeks of, Rory, before you go, you've got to do a B-side. Got to do a B-side? Yeah, you've got to do a b-side gotta do a b-side yeah you've got to do the b-side what do you mean b-side what's a what's a b-side well because a

single has two sides the a is your main single and the b is just you know supplemental have you got anything else oh i could just do more voices yeah he just does the voices so i reckon they didn't even discuss amusing as that was paul i don't think they did discuss it with him because he obviously just sat there and just did a load of shit not even with the music and then yeah they could have they to be fair they could have made that without his direct involvement whereas like that's what i mean we've got 20 or 30 more lines from you we could just stick it on a simp similar dub yeah exactly however undercutting that point is the cover photograph, which he obviously got dressed up

in cricket stuff and jumped in the air for. Because that's Bremner. That's a young Bremner on the cover, isn't it? It is. And look at all the boards say 19. 19 overs, 19 total. So they had to organise that.

He probably said, no, please, could you make it say 19? And they said, no. Who are you? Who are you? Because no one knew who he was then. They probably went, get off this fucking cricket pitch. Go, no, I'm making a record. And then he said, oh, who are you? Who are you? Because no one knew who he was then. They probably went, get off this fucking cricket pitch.

Go, no, I'm making a record. And then he said, oh, is it tea time? Probably tea time. Thank you for that. Very witty, Eli. Oval records. There you go. Now, if these come up again, will any other NSR or novelty sports records?

Or a platter to you? I don't like it. And you know what? It's the quick turnaround. It just, we've racked our brains. We can't think of a sort of cash-in record. It's a cash-in novelty sports record. Well, okay, forget the sport.

It's weird to have a novelty song in the chart at the same time as a hit that's still doing well. I know there have been examples of that since then, but I can't right now think of example of a spoof or a copycat song that's come out whilst the song is still successful in the charts and had some kind of impact. Eat It by...

By... Werdell Yankovic. Yeah. Did that come out while Beat It was still in the charts? I wonder, though, because it did seem like... It would have been very close. I don't know. But in terms of...

That would have been before then anyway, right? But I mean, there's some craft to this. Obviously, has talent i mean but it is a cash in in a way yeah it's pure novelty i mean the equivalent of this is if like a song's popular there's a news and then you go to youtube and someone's on a spoof on youtube you know and it gets to half a million downloads and like that's the same kind of impact but also it that song 19 i'm sure that wasn't the only spoof or novelty spin-off of that song, 19.

No, there's probably been a few spoofs. Probably Roland Ratt did a fucking version or something. No, no,

no, 19. Yeah, you know what I mean? I've got 19 Ratt fans. You know what I mean? I bet there are

several. Because some of these sports... There are rats in Vietnam. Yeah, exactly. I bet there was.

Everyone did. It was just like the shaft theme or there's these songs that sort of come out. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That get parodied. They jump on bandwagons pretty quickly, but then they are forgotten about.

No one talks about the commentators when they talk about 19. I know, but I think the reason this record has been utterly forgotten is because it's specific to a sporting competition that was going on at that point. It's a very nerdy kind of record. So I bet maybe in cricket circles,

people giggle about this every once in a while. They go like, oh, do you remember? And a lot of people say, no. The other thing is, I can see how a radio DJ would think, yeah, that's cool. We'll put that on. That'd be a bit of a laugh. Do you know what I mean?

Maybe they've played 19 earlier in the show or whatever. And it's, see what I mean? Yeah. But it launched his career so you know it did something eventually so I'm going to call it a splatter too

because again it's not fun it doesn't even have a bad quality and the jokes don't really hit after all this time do they you tune out

after the novelty of the joke of it being done in the first what minute yeah it's kind of like oh 19 as in 19 not out and then he's going to say

a bunch of things that cricket commentators would have said. Next track, it's Will Powers with a track called Kissing With Confidence. And guess what? It sounds like this. You may be a sharp dresser. You may be a fantastic dancer.

You may be a lively conversationalist. But what happens at the end of the evening when the time comes to show how you feel? Unless you can kiss with confidence, all your fancy dressing, dancing, and talking won't get you a second date. I'd start doing his heart. Come the time to kiss goodnight. I always fell apart. I'd giggle like I had no brains. Or else I'd start to cough. I thought my perspiration's names would turn a fellow off. She was nervous.

She was too shy. She was nervous. Lips were too dry. And her shaking didn't go away. Now I really like this and when we talked about it a while ago we forgot about it and I'm glad we're talking about it today because I'd like to get the whole album

that this is based on Has this come up? Is that what you're saying Paul? We've talked about it We've talked about it outside of the podcast In the real world. No, not outside the podcast, but in real world. You mean like another layer up.

There's another layer up. Do you know when we have conversations where you don't call me a cunt and I don't call you a fat troll for ages and we just talk and it's nice. Yeah. Troll? That's not really nice, is it? No, but I don't say that in real life, do I? Only within the parameters of this podcast do I think you're repulsive to look at.

In the real world you're just mildly off putting. Oh fuck your mum. No I mean not really. You say that a lot. I don't. And you talk about her putting things in ovens. Do you want me to hook you up with me mum? No I just want footage.

You can do a bit of excitement. I just want fully cloned footage. She's just had operation on her hand for carpal tunnel so she's back in action mate. You'll be fine. Are you a left-handed warrior? I think I might need carpal tunnel surgery. Good. Where did it hurt?

In her hands. She said it was hard to move them. She had pins and needles all the time. So she's had an operation now and now she can move her hands and fingers and feel stuff. Yeah. You and me mum will get on fine. Do you want to kiss her? No. Do you want to kiss me? You want to kiss my mum on the bum? Paul, let's just make an edit point. No, I'm not. This is going all in.

You dirty mum botherer. Paul, do you want me to tell you what I would like vis-a-vis your mum? Yeah? Yeah. You want me to let you know? Yeah. This is all I want. Footage.

I've got nothing to do with it. Footage. I'm not there. Footage. I'm nowhere near this. You get footage. Yeah. Fully clothed.

Fully clothed. I can't near this you get footage yeah fully clothed fully clothed I can't emphasise this enough you could have collars up not in low flesh this is like 19 I've tuned out now masked balaclavas

if you like yeah not that that's part of my thing right but it could have balaclavas I just have to know it's your mum you just have to assure me

it is your mum in the footage you need some proof of it like putting it on first or something maybe yeah maybe like a couple of like Pol some proof of it, like putting it on first or something. Maybe, yeah, maybe. Like a couple of Polaroids of it going... Then...

Then... Taking the picture. There are large vegetables. How many? Perhaps a watermelon, three. Maybe three... Watermelon's a fruit though, isn't it? Are you going to keep the vegetables?

A cucumber's not a proper vegetable either. Marrows, just three small marrows. What about kumquat, eggplant? That's a fruit plant. It's a fruit plant. A kumquat is a fruit. Right. Right. What about kumquat? Eggplant? That's a fruit plant. It's a fruit. Plant. A kumquat is a fruit. Right.

Right. Not a kumquat. Don't get your mind out of the gutter. Where are you on spuds? Sweet potato? Yeah, fine. A large one. I like a large baking potato.

Like the size of a small kitten. Yeah. A proper kitten-sized baking potato. Right. Dry. All three vegetable items dry. Dry, yeah. Doesn't matter what they are, Paul, but they're dry, yeah? We're really going to dedicate this much time of the podcast to this fantasy of yours.

I do not want any sprinkles, spray sprays. No, there'll be no olive oils or salt sprinkles. None of that fake sweat stuff. Do not oil these vegetables. I can't emphasize that enough. Do not dampen or oil these vegetables before the insertion. Mummy's getting impatient. Tell mummy what to do.

What's mummy going to do? She just puts them in the oven, that's all. In what way? With gloves on. Is the oven on? Nah. So it's cold. Doesn't matter.

It's a cold oven. I don't care about these states. My mum in a balaclava mask is putting three vegetables of your choice into a cold oven. Yes. And what are you getting out of this watermelon no a dry watermelon watermelons only go in fridges half a watermelon no quarter of a watermelon not a quarter of a watermelon no there is no watermelon going in the oven my mom has specifically said you know what i'm going to take this to hr because can i

come up with you no come on i'll come with you no let me say my piece no I'm gonna go all by myself alright bye wanker he is fucking gone out there door sound effect hello Paul

hiya Paul he's up to no good again what's he saying well he's saying something about my mum I find it kind of out of it's not tasteful

and it's inappropriate within the confines of my work environment alright send Eli up alright Eli Paul wants to see you Paul wants to see you and it's inappropriate within the confines of my work environment. All right, send Eli up, all right? Eli, Paul wants to see you.

Paul wants to see you. Sit down, Mr. Silverman. I'm here, am I? Yeah. I didn't go up the stairs. It's implied. Right. So, we've had a lot of complaints about you recently.

What? What's the problem? Behaviour, illusions of what you'd like to do to Paul's mother. Why should I listen to this? You didn't help me with the cold opening. I don't even think you're real. I don't believe you're real. This is the real office. I don't think I'm in the la la la. I am dreaming. You are in my mind. Who's this?

It's word counter boy Jimmy Bob. He's here and he's come out of the cupboard. Oh, hello. Word counter Jimmy boy John. You Paul HR. I've got something to say to you. I will count your words. This is getting out of hand. Five, two, HR, I've got something to say to you. I will count your words. This is getting out of hand. Five, two.

Paul, can you hold my calls, please? Five, seven. Yes, I'll hold your calls, Paul. Eight. We've got a real problem here. Can you get the police? Because he's obviously lost his mind and we're going to need to wrestle him to the ground.

Five. Paul and Paul, the bouncers, can you come in? Yes. That was seven. Yes, yes, yes. All right, Paul's coming. Five, three. Don't fuck up.

Come on, you're coming out of the off. I'm word counter boy, Jim. Stop this. Shall I go? All right, I'll go back in the cupboard. There he goes. He's word counter boy, Jim. He's won. Eli, we're all friends here.

If you're having an episode and you need psychiatric help or some kind of assistance, please reach out. But you're just racking up error and after error. Okay, I'm sorry. Now, can you go back to the podcast and just try and be a bit more behaved? I'll go downstairs. Yeah, word counter boy Jimmy, Bob.

This is already 24 minutes of the segment and I'm already concerned that I'm going to cut this out. Please cut it out. Please. Right. Will Powers. Will Powers. So I like that track.

For context, I didn't know anything about Will Powers. I have heard this song vaguely in the past before. Can't remember where, but it... Well, it was a minor hit again here in Britain, wasn't it? 83, reached number 17, and it was in the charts for just a few weeks. It's interesting because I hadn't heard of Will Powers when I looked into it. There is no such person as Will Powers. Will Powers is actually someone called Lynn Goldsmith.

She was born in 1948. She's an American recording artist, film director, and celebrity portrait photographer. And she's done over 100 album covers. She's worked with, like, bloody tons of people. And one year in 83, she went, I'm going to release a comedy satire, 80s dance, disco thing. So that makes me think she had connections

or maybe even was owed favours by some of the people because there's some very big names in the music industry who, at the time, who appear on this record, aren't there, Paul? Yes, we'll get into that in a minute, but Will Powers apparently came into existence in 83, was signed to Island Records and released an album called Dancing for Mental Health. And the idea behind the album is it's 12 tracks, I think, of spoof self-help advertising. That's exactly what it is.

But that is the spoken word element is spoof self-help. But there are quite intricate backing tracks. Yes. Aren't there? And sort of songs underneath. So every track is kind of like a slightly weirder, odd take on self-help bullshit, which in the 80s was becoming a great big marketing thing.

It was like everyone was getting involved in it. Yes. But those records exist from like the late 70s onwards, don't they? They're sort of self-help records. Albums are coming out. I mean, self-help started back in the 40s. You can trace it back.

We've got, in terms of literature, self-help books and stuff do you know what I mean we've got platters awaiting our attention which are self-help singles yes which we have to get to

at some point so it's a big genre on record isn't it so and so she's but she's kind of parodying a kind of 50s voiceover sort of style

kind of but you can smell documentary you know like Reef of Madness sort of maybe but I also kind of it feels like a lot of the 80s shit you can documentary you know like reefer madness sort of maybe but i also kind of it feels like a lot of the 80s shit you were probably seeing at the time the kind of almost tele evangelist style self-help gurus who were all big and brassy sort of like yeah promising enlightenment or whatever yeah like for instance in some of the tracks

especially the one we just listened to there's they give a few lists here of uh affirmations that i'll put into the song. Of course. This is my favourite one because it fucking makes me angry, right? Your problem is a gift you help to change. Fuck off. Yeah.

Well, it's kind of satirising that empty platitudes. How about this one? The greater your problem, the greater your opportunity. Yeah. Act the way you want to feel. If you want to be happy, start now. Yeah, exactly. It's be the change you want to feel. If you want to be happy, start

now. Yeah, exactly. It's be the change you want to see. It's all of this. If you want to stroke your frobber, start it like a jobber. Or something, I don't know. If your chodney has a bod off, get the spod and chop it off. Chop it off. I don't know.

If your chodney has a bod off, spod it up and chod your mud off. If you fear your problem, let your problem fear you. So it is a sort of satire, that, but it doesn't feel like a very toothsome satire or sharp. Do you see what I mean? It feels more... Watch the target. It's what I find strange about this.

Well, it's arty, isn't it? Is it consumerism it's attacking? Yeah. Sort of, yeah, but it's not like... Because it consumerism it's attacking yeah sort of yeah but it's not like because you know 83 we're heading into the decade of excess right excess consumerism greed is good all that kind of stuff marketing branding becoming more part of the home life yes it was used to be on the fringes and now it's like you got brands and video games and movies and all toys and all sorts homes became chocker full with things that improved your life

even if they didn't actually improve your life so it's using self-help as a sort of way of saying consumerism is this kind of false in false help it doesn't really help no but it's also about the self that you should be selfish and you know what else this is it's a very post-modern sort of sounding record isn't it yeah so it reminds me of things like um max headroom and the art of noise and things that used early sample culture because it's using it's using a sort of something that you wouldn't expect on a music record yes a spoken word sort of thing you wouldn't expect on a music similar to 19 that's what i was getting to yeah which is why there's a correlation with these two tracks yeah but, but then later in the decade, of course,

when hip-hop starts to come across, you've got sampling, proper sampling. Do you see what I mean? But it's in that sort of early stages of that kind of thing. Well, it's more of cross-referential sort of post-modern. For me, it's like with hip-hop, they're using the music to kind of give you signifiers of how you're meant to feel about the song at this point. So you know what I mean?

They drop them in so you kind of recognitions and things. Oh yeah. And there's a reference that you get and there's a we were talking about Paul's Boutique

and how it's laid with fucking hundreds and hundreds of samples and things like that. This isn't actually sampling stuff. But no, this is more like art than it is

the way sampling is used in hip hop. Yes, absolutely. It's more emotive in hip hop but it's more kind of intellectual in things like this. And you could say slightly pretentious.

So that brings me to the point as well that she obviously, it's like a vanity project. It's a weird novelty vanity art project. She mortgaged her house. We mortgaged her house to fund this project herself. And she got all her friends

from the rock industry to help her. Yes, but that doesn't mean just because you spend money on something doesn't make it not a vanity project, does it? Do you see what I mean? But what my point is, is that I'm not disagreeing with you, but at doesn't mean just because you spend money on something doesn't make it not a vanity project, does it? Do you see what I mean? But what my point is, is I'm not disagreeing with you, but at the same time, it's not like it's a vanity project where she used other people's money or other people's kind of whatever to...

It feels like it's something that she was passionate about and wanted to do. Yes, of course. I'm not denying that at all. And it's not, and it is kind of... The whole album is novelty. It's professionally put together in terms of the production and the music, so we're coming to that. Here's the people who helped out on this album. She called in a bunch of faders,

and people who helped produce and write these songs include such as Todd Runyon, Steve Wynwood, Sting. Sting helped write the opening track, which was called Adventures in Success, and it's got some weird disco hook thing. Right, and Niall Rogers of Sheik was also involved, wasn't he? Yeah, Carly Simon, who is the female vocalist. adventures and success and it's got some weird disco hook thing right and nile uh nile rogers of she was also involved wasn't he yeah carly simon who was the female vocalist you hear in that song on this track uncredited though but that is her will also thanks people such as meatloaf david samborn steve stanley griffin dunn the actor karen allen warren beatty glenn close

ian hunter well these are the people she's photographed, obviously. Yeah, but maybe they've helped in some way or they lend their voice to a clip or whatever. It sounds like a vanity project also in that she's sort of calling in favours or exploiting her connections in the showbiz world to get this album made. And it's on a big label, Island, and a lot of those people are on Island.

Wynwood, I'm sure, was on Island as well. So there's a sort of connection. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some connection with the actual label. Right. So it says here, the 1983 album called Dancing for Mental Health used affirmations set to music to poke fun at the self-help entrepreneurs who, quote,

build the listener's inner self and encourage personal growth through the thought that anything is possible, end quote. Will Powers is portrayed by Goldsmith, joins some spoken word segments as well in the song segments. Her voice is portrayed by Goldsmith during some spoken word segments as well in the song segments. Her voice is shifted downwards in pitch to sound male.

And then it says like, people like Jacob Bradford. That's what I said. I said that's her doing the voiceovers. She does those bits. And then anything more singy probably ropes in Carly Simon

for a track or two. Yeah, but it's great. Carly Simon can sing, obviously, can't she? So what's interesting to me as well is it's like... I don't know what I was going to say now. Don't leave that in, please. What's interesting?

It's very redolent of the kind of sort of... It's like pop art. Yeah. It's like post-modern pop art that was around in that era. Do you know what I mean? Did Malcolm... What's his name who did... Oh, the Sex Pistols manager

who released the song. Malcolm McLaren. When did he release his hit? Yeah, that weird record. Butterfly Song or whatever it's called. Isn't that a bit like this?

Yes. Do you see what I'm getting at? It's a sort of post-modern sort of, not mashup isn't the word because that's a real thing, but a sort of cross genre sort of weird mixes

of different formats and genres. Yeah, because he uses lots of that experimentation was becoming more mainstream. I guess what I'm saying is sort of weird mixes of different formats and genres. Yeah, because he uses lots of... That was happening at the time. This experimentation was becoming more mainstream. I guess what I'm saying is, and it was those kind of,

the mainstreaming of that kind of more experimental stuff that led to the sampling. Well, it's a boomer thing. Think about it. Boom was the first kind of generation that properly started bringing in their influences into their art. And so famously, you look at Indiana Jones and they look at the serials of the 30s and 40s and how they were structured and the heroes so everything in the 80s became about

celebrating the things that were popular in their youth and making it modern so yes him and these arts she's like bringing the same kind of thing in those references those references from the 50s and all the consumer culture of before which is a post-modern thing that self-reference and the repetition is a sort of thing that didn't really start to happen to this extent until the 80s did it?

because the 70s was like this is the culture we have now is the new is what's in but the 80s were very busy about making the 60s popular again in the 50s but

say that actually the 70s did look back to the 50s didn't it? but it wasn't to the same extent as how the 80s got and look where we are now in terms of everything's

about old shit you're familiar with because new stuff is frightening and I can't deal with that. That's what I mean. This is sort of part of that trend that leads along the path to now. Do you know what I'm getting at, Paul?

Anyway, splatter or platter? I'm going to give this a platter. I like it. I'd like to get my hands on the album, actually. I like it. It's a terrible copy that I have,

the 7-inch, unfortunately. But you will be able to find it online, of course. the flip side the whole album's all through history which again is another sort of looking at history you know there's a sort of theme of like what has been what has passed no but that song is specifically about look at these people from history what they had to get through you can do it too you know you're as good as cleopatra jfk and then that's the last thing i'll say And that's obviously satire. But it's not satire. It is.

Yes, it's satire, but it doesn't really hit. No, because it's meant to be trite. Everything about it is meant to be trite and predictable and obvious. Yes.

So ultimately, you're left with a kind of very acerbic, kind of very flippant piece of work. And it's kind of trying to say that nothing means anything

anymore sort of thing. Okay. Nothing means anything anymore, Paul. Nothing does. Splatter or platter, you splatter or platter for the similar reasons you gave paul yeah and that's that segment done with okay then lovely splatter platter that was two interesting talkie songs that i hope you will investigate more at home all right i've got an i haven't got an apple i'm too sweaty i've lost all my inspiration sweaty for this pod too sweaty for this pod. Too sweaty for this pod. My knots have started to whiff.

Let me finish my comedy idea. No, I've got hairy wanger knots. Hairy wanger knots. They're sweaty, melty knots. And I'm too sexy for this pod. Cheap Show's done again. Oh oh it's done again well thank you for sharing your time your precious ear time with us and to say thank you we're going to say thank you thank you thank you for your ear time thank you now if you've enjoyed this podcast and you'd like to see us carry on with this endeavor you can help us financially if you wish and you can

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that is all going to be new to you. Oh, it's all archived on the Patreon team. Yeah, you can go back the minute you join it. You just go back and look at all the posts you can from the tier

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Harrow HA19QJ. That is CheapShowP.O. Box 1309 Harrow HA19QJ. But if you go and, oh, I can't remember all that, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk where on that website you'll get links to every episode you'll get links to our patreon to our

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chat with us about the episode that's just gone out that's it really that's all the admin my voice is beginning to go can you hear it I could hear it can you hear it crackling? You should let me say some of that stuff. Yeah, but you can't

get stuff out your mouth without going into Bing Bong Gob territory. I'm not going into Bing Bong. I haven't been anywhere near Bing Bong Pod. You've been close to Bing Bong God. Here we go. Chad, it's happening again! Podney! Podney Chad off. Don't you feel embarrassed?

Have a little sip of my Podney Chad Podney, shut off. Don't you feel embarrassed? Have a little sip of my podney, shut off. It comes round. He's trying to feed tea to his bear. He's not my bear. He's the show's bear. He's all of our bears. He's the bear of our hearts. He's told me how much he enjoyed

supping on your lactating nip-nip. Yeah, well, he's lucky. He's been all round you, and now he wants payment. Mate, he's used... In that interval, he used me like a jungle gym. Dirty bear. I know. Dirty, dirty bear. Drop and roll he does payment. Mate, he's used, in that interval, he used me like a jungle gym. Dirty bear.

I know. Dirty, dirty bear. Drop and roll he does, doesn't he? He attached like a Olympic crab to my groinles. He treated my colon

like a helter skelter. I tell you. He's been up my ring like a chimney speak. And et cetera. Chimney speak. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to say anything

actually funny before we sign off no I haven't got anything Paul right let's have a wanky bye everyone bye everyone