CheapShow - Ep 245: Saucy Boys

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

Special Guests: Nick Helm & Nathaniel Metcalfe Every now and then there comes an episode of the podcast that we just don't know how to describe to you. Oh sure, Paul and Eli have a sauce report planned and a nice and nerdy Price of Shite, but that structure goes out the window very quickly. Joining the Cheap Chaps this week are comedians Nick Helm (Uncle, BBC 3) and Nathaniel Metcalfe (BBC R4 & Fubar Radio) to hunt for more charity shops treasures! Prepare yourself for an episode packed with gross sauce, Top Trumps, cult movies, Tomy toys, geeky trivia and more. There is also plenty of room for Nick's exhaustive pun work, Nathaniel’s knowledge, Eli's passionate outbursts and Paul's dying soul. Brace yourself, this goes off the rails before the credits kick in! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-245-saucy-boys And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Follow Nick Helm & Nathaniel Metcalfe on @TheNickHelm @natmetcalfe Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I'll just start recording now. Alright, gold. Hello everybody. Hi, it's time for the... Nah, fuck this. I'm not... Eli, Jacob, Sylvan... You both need to know when to come in. And this is when things get serious. I'm getting serious now. Eli wants to go. Don't start off on a bad note.

Don't start on a sour note. Paul, am I hot? Yeah, you are hot. Thanks. How hot am I? You can fuck off. All of you. Just because I mentioned the terminology that I use in radio. I like it. You're listening to Fan Club and we're here. Joined by Paul Gannon and Eli Jacobs.

Actually, yeah, we're afraid it's like this. Can we put your theme music in right now? We don't have any. What's Fan Club? Is that your food bar radio thing? Fan Club's got a theme show. It's got that jingle, hasn't it? Start the show.

Sorry, guys. Can we start this fucking show? Start the fucking show. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Right, that's it. Now I'll play the credits. Stop recording. That's it. Fine. start this fucking show? Start the fucking show! Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Right, that's it, now I'll play the credits. Stop recording. That's it. Fine, start the show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go get it! People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap show.

It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And a go and a nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain bins at charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain, and sometimes beyond, to find the treasure we find amongst the trash.

And this week we've got two other guests. Hooray! I'm not doing the clap thing, that's like Steve Wright in the morning. Yeah, right, fair enough. What about Steve Wright in the afternoon? Oh yeah, he is in the afternoon, isn't he? Yeah, well done. Nice early 80s reference.

That wasn't the joke. We have two guests on the show today. Please join us in welcoming them. This is what I do when I forgot their names. Have you forgotten their names? No, of course I haven't forgotten their fucking names. What are they? I've tried to come up with something bold and beautiful

to welcome these two fantastic, bold and beautiful guests onto this bold and beautiful podcast. So please, boldly and beautifully, please applaud the arrival of Nathaniel Metcalf and Nick Helm. All right, then. So you've got your clapping, though, so it did work. Oh, my God. Hello, welcome to the show.

It's like Steve Wright in the evening. Yeah, it's like Steve Wright in the... In the evening. Insert time of day here. Steve Wright in the 2am dead shift. I'd like to see Steve Wright electric blue. I wouldn't. You're the only person who's ever said,

I would like to see an erotic interpretation of Steve Wright's radio show. Do you know what? I quite like Steve Wright. I don't mind saying it. I always think he comes across well. Do you know what? I miss his Saturday night chat show that he had on BBC One where he interviewed Mark Owen.

And Mark Owen said that he's only got small hands so he doesn't like women with big breasts. Really? He got into all of the nuggets back then. That's a terrible take.

Terrible take? Yeah. Well, it's not mine, it's Mark Owen's. Yeah, a terrible take back. I'll take that. Yeah. He actually said

that his grandma had a huge fit. said that any more than a handful, any more than a handful is a waste. It's the one thing that stuck with me since the Steve Wright show. But it's probably best not to get four white blokes in a room together and open up a podcast like this. So when did you first start?

Sorry, it's your show. Are you going into a Fumar radio store? I think it's really funny that as unprofessional as this has been so far, it's literally like we're being schooled on how to do a podcast as much. No one learns anything from this podcast. You need to calm down, mate. Why? I'm excited. All right.

It's not exciting. On the tip thing, can I just say, going back to the tip thing very briefly. Yes, of course. That was a phrase that did go around a lot, didn't it? Any more than a handful. I think that's weird. It's either breasts or a waist. But what is it?

I think it came from apples originally. You know if you carry too many apples, any more than a handful's a waist. And it went on to boobs. Anyway, coming up on the show today, we have a... Well, what have you got? Have you brought something with you today? Yes. Great.

I have sauce. Okay, that is true. I have sauce to sauce for the sauce report. We're doing the first ever guest special sauce report. Have we never done a sauce report with a guest before? Oh, never given sauce to a guest, no. Are you looking forward to the sauce? Depends.

You're a big hot sauce person, aren't you? Yeah, I like hot sauce. I've sort of settled on my brand now. What is your brand? Holy Fuck Sauce. Holy Fuck? Holy Fuck.

Holy Fuck. Yeah, I've heard of that. Because I've heard of Holy Fuck. Why do you like it? Is it because it blends at a high level of heat but also has the flavour to back it up

and no carrot? It's very... Hang on a minute. I'm going to need to ask some back-up questions. It's very... Hang on a minute. I'm going to need to ask some backup questions. It's very hot. It's very sweet. It's delicious.

So it's flavour and heat. What's the consistency like, though? It's quite... Well, do you know what? It depends on the batch, but the batch I've got at the moment is quite thick, where it's like ketchup. You have to hammer it out.

We had one of those the other day, the Buwang Puttu. Yes. Buwang Puttu. You know what? I tried it on my eggs this morning. Yeah. Really? I can't believe I gave it a good review the other day.

What did you like? What's wrong with the eggs? It was sort of fishy or something. And also, you know what happened this morning? Were you eating a tiramisu? I opened an egg and it was full of chicken shit. You opened an egg and it was like off. And it was like...

It was really bad. Oh, I've had such a morning, Paul. You don't know, man. Come on, tell me your story then, because I know you've been sitting on this. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Just to say that Nathaniel loves eggs and I hate them. I don't like the sound of those eggs.

Even he's disgusted by this. Yeah, that does actually disgust me. It's never happened to me before and I honestly... Wow. Excuse me, darling, this has never happened to me before. Can we just ask, what were you talking about, carrots? Oh, yes. Now, we do a lot of sauce, Nick, on this podcast.

There's a whole segment of the podcast called The Sauce Report. It's not my favourite segment of the show, just for the record. I don't listen to my own podcast, so... No, that's fine. That's all right, we don't either, so it's all good. Sauce Report, very butt, And there's been an explosion, especially in the sort of what you'd call the hipster market of hot sauces in recent years.

Loads of people thinking, similar to craft beer, oh, we could do this. Yeah. I've got a bath and I've got some vinegar. Yeah, exactly. And I've got a load of tomatoes. And I've got some chillies. I've got some pubes.

But what they don't never make your own hot sauce. What these people often do not understand is the difficulty with hot sauce in particular in getting a consistency that isn't just watery because a lot of hot sauce is simply vinegar and then mashed chilli, the flesh of the mashed chilli, and then it just sort of... It's the whole Tabasco debacle all over again.

Exactly, Tabasco's watery. But they want a thicker one, and you know what they do? They end up putting mashed carrot in their hot sauce. So if you see, ooh, it's really colourful. Six quid bottle of, like, in the whole earth or whatever. Zombie bastard sauce or something, yeah. And you think, ooh, that looks good. Ooh.

And then you look, and the fucking second ingredient is carrot. Shun that sauce. Put the sauce back on the shelf. You put that on a T-shirt? Because it's bullshit sauce. Shun that sauce. Carrot stuffed bullshit hipster sauce. Right, do you want to know what's happened?

Can I just ask another question? Is the carrot for consistency or colour? It's for both. It's texture, isn't it? Consistency. It's for both, yes. Because that's a good point, actually. Because an orangeness to hot sauce does seem to add you think oh it's

that there's like the yellow peppers do you know what i mean those and which those scotch bonnet those yellow ones are some of the hottest and they're nice they've got a lovely flavor a scotch bonnet or a yellow i think it's because you've also got your you've got your red sauce and your brown sauce already so an orange sauce you associate with like a sort of third sauce yeah you're not going to confuse it. Where do we stand on white sauces then? White sauces? Yeah, like...

Salad cream. Yeah, salad cream. I love salad cream, personally. Great. I think salad cream's delicious. Especially with carrot. You don't like mayonnaise, do you? I don't really mind.

Okay. Fancy that. We get two lovely guests on the show and we're asking them about their mayonnaise opinions well no but the thing about mayonnaise i don't i don't like the way that um that supermarkets and like mark suspensors use mayonnaise as a butter substitute in all their sandwiches right yeah yeah yeah good point mayonnaise has its place i love it but certain sandwiches, butter's infinitely better. Because, you know, one of the best things about butter in a sandwich... God, I hate this podcast.

It insulates the bread against sogginess in a way that the mayo won't. It forms a layer. Mayo adds to it. It forms a seal. Anyway, you're listening to Food Bar Radio and we're joined by... Tell me your sad story. Right, so I was meant to bring in my portable record player and, you know, I was working

late last night DJing and I had a fucking issue with one of the bouncers sitting on my records. But anyway. He sat on them? Yeah, he stood on two of them and he had my headphones on. He's meant to be, like, protecting the front of the stage where they're playing the gig. Sorry, where's this gig?

Take that out. That's a great place. Right. We should all go. Also, there was a Cheap Show fan lurking around outside. Where does Eli work? Where does Eli DJ? He approached me. And I was like, have you gone in?

He's like, he wouldn't let me. Anyway. What did he look like? I don't want to get into that. That's what I'm talking about. The bounce had ruined my records. He had my headphones in my booth sitting on my record. Unacceptable.

I can understand if he stood on your records that were on the ground, that would be annoying. But if he sits on them. He was sitting on them as well. Was he sitting on them in a way that's like he was a perch? Like I'm just perching. And then you perch on something. And then someone says, oh, that's actually my record.

And you go, oh, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah. And then a minute later you forget. Yeah. And you don't do it again. Was he making eye contact with you the whole time? No, he's supposed to be doing his job, which is sort of protecting the front of the stage. He's gone back.

He's gone into my space where I work, where all my equipment is, essentially. My records are on my equipment. And he's disregarded them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's put, in these COVID times, Paul, he's put my fucking headphones on, so he doesn't have to hear.

Well, he's put your headphones on that you need to mix the records, so he can block out the noise of his job. Do you see what I mean about the attitude? The fucking stupidity of the man. But what I'd say is if you step on a record and the record is on the floor and your foot is flat on flat

on flat, right? So the record might get dirty but it probably won't break. But if your record is sat on like a cushion and if his arse goes on it, then it's soft on soft with a flat in the middle. And that could break. Absolutely right, yeah, that could break it. But also it ruins it because you get bits of grit and...

Anyway, that's not the thing. I was going to bring the portable record player in today. Yeah. It's on a shelf in my room. And I think, Paul, I've hit peak source in room situation and this is really... How much source do you keep in your room? There's a lot of source in there.

Right? Okay. I get this record player out. It's on the top shelf above sort of my desk thing. Yeah. And then it drops. Yeah.

And it goes... Fucking chilli oil jar from like two years ago or something. Why is that in your room still? The lid falls off. All chilli oil You haven't answered

my question. against the curtain and it's the stinky chili oil and the reason i hadn't eaten it's because i didn't like this particular brand but you liked it enough to keep it around for two years massive up massive cleaning job this is at 10 to 3 did it go on your record player yeah the record player snapped and sure well so can this is a good opportunity um to talk about you, perhaps you overreacted to the bouncer yesterday and perhaps your biggest enemy is yourself. Yeah.

Well, that's the end of the Chiefs show then. It was being hung over in a bit of a rush and I shouldn't have dropped the record player. Is that the story? Sorry. But yeah, is that also your tales from the dance floor as well? Yeah. So you're built into reasonably underwhelming stories into one.

I feel a bit deflated. Well, you should be feeling energised because you've solved a problem. Which is? So you're built into reasonably underwhelming stories into one. I feel a bit deflated. Well, you should be feeling energised because you've solved a problem. Which is? That you're the problem. Thank you. And now you've got rid of that chilli that's been around for two years as well. Yes, and it's awoken me to the sauce situation. And that is?

To not keep two-year-old sauces in your room willy-nilly. On the off chance they splash about. And also, no one truly listens to vinyl. Move on. Oh. Nothing? You're not going to fight back? Come on.

Fight. Stand for your right to vinyl. I'd say that, yeah, good point. And it's certainly more convenient to not DJ with vinyl. But there is a certain sound and a certain quality that makes people's heads turn. They hear the vinyl and it's got a thump to it.

It's got a weight. But you don't need vinyl anymore. No. I love it. I mean, I've got loads of vinyl. I listen to it all the time. and it's a pain in the arse. I can't believe that you've said

that you don't like it. That's crazy. You live on it, right? I don't like the word vinyl in the current era. I find it like people didn't call it vinyl. They're just records.

Yes, you're absolutely right. But is that just because of the way music has changed? Because it was CD and MP3? People refer to it as vinyls. Yes, vinyls. I don't like that. Vinyls isn't records. Vinyls is a selection of flooring in a shop.

Those are vinyls. But I think record is like you can release a record digitally now. Yes. And so record is the recording. It's not the format. It's not the platter. Or an LP. Yes, a long player. I've got nothing to add to this conversation.

But yes, it is annoying. That was good. It is annoying. I personally collect vinyl. How many have you got? Like 5 or 6 thousand maybe. 5 or 6. They're good ones. or six thousand maybe. I was going to say five or six. They're good ones. Just five LPs.

I bought three and then I got another two. And one of them is All Night Long by Lionel Richie. So yeah, I collect them and I also DJ. So it sort of means that I can... All Night Long's got to be an LP, right? What, are you just going to repeat it all night? Come on, guys. I think what's happened is you've underestimated us

and you're going to have to work leagues ahead of what you're doing right now. In that case, can I tell my story about what happened at Cayman? I don't think Eli finished, though. Come on. Thank you. No, it's good having him around, isn't it? Week in, week out, it's fucking vinyl noodle sauce. Because I collect records, I like to DJ with them because it means one thing feeds the other.

Sure, absolutely. Do you see what I mean? Well, it's better than DJing with hot sauce. Exactly, that wouldn't work. But people who, like Nat says about the present use of the word vinyls and all of this, it's annoying. And people who have vinyl forever or the only format on their stupid t-shirt i hate those people do you know what i mean okay oh i designed that

yeah i'm not keen on it as a culture thing now i find it weird that people will pay 20 pound for a new vinyl release of a record which is one of the biggest selling records of all time you could definitely get for about three or four pounds yeah that's just ridiculous no there's so much scamming in the industry especially with the new vinyl the biggest example being that um tijuana brass lp oh yeah um herb albert and the tijuana brass yeah they did a sort of 180 gram audio file special release for like record uh store day a couple of years ago that is not only a huge seller but you could get yeah there must be dead stock of that somewhere in america thousands of them well not necessarily sometimes they get rid of it you know it's the it was that robbie williams album rude box was it an album yeah that came out on

cd that sold so badly that they ended up using it to sort of, they used it as road filler in somewhere like Singapore when they were like, when they were redoing the roads, they ground up loads of copies of Rudebox

and then they lathed the roads and they covered it with tarmac because it undersold to such a dramatic. But it was only worth paving the roads of another country. That's an extraordinary record, Rudebox. That is one of those.

What's on Rudebox and why am I talking about Robbie Williams? He's trying to do sort of rapping on it. My name's Coco, I'm a monkey like you. And there's a bit where he goes, he says something and he goes, fuck the Matrix, and you go, the Matrix? Do you know, he tried to buy a place called Skinwalker Ranch.

Have you heard of this? No. Skinwalker Ranch is a place in America where it's been known for, like, as long as Americans have been there. Is it George Lucas' nudist colony? No. It's just, it's about the same thing. Come on, guys.

Because it's a place that's been known for... Just breathe it in. Just come on, enjoy it. It's a place known for record numbers of UFO sightings and cryptids and things like that all around this one ranch. He is into that. So I was watching this documentary about all these randoms talking about the history of Skinwalker Ranch,

and in one shot you just see Robbie Williams just nonchalantly walk past the camera, go like that, and walk off by. And it turned out, at the same time you're making the documentary, he was trying to buy the ranch. He could tile it with copies of Rudebox, you know, get a nice reflective surface. Yeah, he could. Make a nice So the UFOs can see him winking up

at them. I've got, I've always got, I'll tell you what, I'm going to tell you my story that I want to get out, and then we'll get out. Maybe if he did that, there'd be, maybe if he did that, a UFO would come down and drop off all the copies of the E.T. Atari game from 1982. Come on. It's full circle.

Full circle. I fucking see how this is going. Eli, you've said quite enough here. Paul, what's your story? I was waiting by the train station and waiting for my train and there was a bounty castle outside for kids, right? And not waiting by the train station, waiting for my train, and there was a bouncy castle outside for kids, right? And not many of the kids were going on it.

It was just one or two. And then, for whatever reason, the guy who set it all up was playing reggae for the longest time. Then you hear... Is it David Trent? And then you hear... You know, Motorhead, Ace of Spades. I love it if you were going to say Rudebox.

Because none of us know what it sounds like. And 20 kids suddenly piled on from nowhere, started jumping around and turned it into a mosh pit. Wow. And I was just sitting there watching all these kids thrashing around to Motorhead on a bouncy cast. And I was like, that's the kind of image I want to see today. Etymology-wise, where the history of words and language apparently the first reference

ever to a bouncy castle was in 1986 even though they existed much uh far longer ago than that but apparently the word bouncy castle to refer to what that thing is hadn't hadn't been around until 1986 that's weird because you then you before 1986 people just go he's on the jumpy over there on the castle do you know what do you know what i'm feeling today like lord of the rings was published something like no i might be wrong here, but it was something like 2005. No, it was like 1957 or something like that. Didn't get to America till 67. So The Hobbit was 1937. Yeah.

And then Lord of the Rings was like something like 20 years later. That's right. Right. But it's pretty much 1960. It feels like one of those things that's been around like forever. No, because... And when you put a date on it, it's like... And do you know, in America,

there was only 1,500 copies of The Fellowship of the Ring. Yeah. Did we watch the same video? Yeah, I was going to say, they watched the same YouTube video last night. What was it, Folding Ideas? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You should all watch Folding Ideas. It's excellent. It's an hour. 1,500 copies. 1,500 copies, right? So it was 1,500 copies, and they sold out, right? Straight away.

But because it sold out, everyone thinks, oh, Lord of the Rings was a big seller. No, because they only sold out of 1,500. So what they did was they shipped it over from England, and they were selling sort of like secondhand copies or like leftover copies from England. And then they were like, hang on a minute, we're selling all these copies.

And then they brought in, didn't they, you had to actually produce the book from the country of origin yeah the laws changed around it around the copyright of it but then it's so 67 fellowship of the ring arrives in america so yes for the hippies and everything it felt like a new book almost it felt like you know it wasn't like some old tomb tome that they'd rediscovered it was like oh there's this thing no one knows about let's get on it with the hobbits and the dwarves. Because it took so long to build up because they only printed 15,000.

15,000 or 1,500? 1,500. Folded Ideas is a good sign. I guess what I would have thought of as like people rediscovered it, but actually they discovered it for the first time. I do regret bringing up Lord of the Rings, but us being like four white guys sat in a room. I don I do regret bringing up Lord of the Rings, but us being like four white guys sat in a room,

I don't have any love for Lord of the Rings. I just found out a fact. What? I hate the movies. I like the second Hobbit film. That's the best. Really? That is not the best.

What are you talking about? That's the worst. What's it called? The Two Hobbits. Desolation of Smaug. Desolation of Smaug. Is it? Yes. Well, it seems like you do kind of secretly like it.

Yeah, you've got... I have to say, I did watch all three of the Hobbit films, willingly, by myself. I went to the cinema, so I'm all... On my phone, some shit was on, like... I'm trying to think of a film, but I can't. It's not right yet it's so weird we're all a bit bored of it now

shall we do sauce? yes let's do sauce look at this Fritz Vase what's special about it? this is corn sauce for corn for corn?

this is Colombian for corn sauce you have it with corn is it made of corn? it's corn it's sauce for corn Paul sauce for corn I think. Sauce for corn. I think we're all struggling with here.

It's bright yellow for the listeners at home. It looks like a mustard. It's got a picture of corn on the front and it says maize. And we're all wondering, is it for corn? Or is it made of corn? That's my question. It's for corn. But is it made of corn?

Is it made? It's very hard to see. It's very hard to see. It's very hard to see. Do you want to have a look? I quite like the idea of something that's made for corn. I mean, it's something quite... Something that already has been made for corn. Butter.

Yeah, it's very hard to see. But you don't get a lot of sauces that have one specific food source that they go on it. That's what it's here for. I can't think of another. Of corn sauce. A specific food item specific sauce. Most burger burgers. Absolutely.

Are we ready? Yes. So I gave it a hoof and it smells like masticated nacho chips. So it is made of corn, you reckon? It strongly smells of mashed up Doritos. I'd say it's maize and that's what they're made of, isn't it? Yeah. Corn chips, corn chips.

Yeah, exactly. But you're saying this is a sauce. This is a little bit like, you know, adding something onto something, adding the same thing onto something. Oh, I like the sauce delivery system that's going on here. He's spread out the four spoons. The serving you're giving us feels like it's too much. I'm going to agree with that. You don't have to eat it all. You can just have

a little. These are clean spoons. Yeah, they are. I'm just going to offer the spoons around. I'll tell you what, I'll do it. Oh, they smell of, it smells of nachos as well. Yeah. You can have a hoof. It has a real nacho smell. Nacho spicy. Spicy. Yeah.

Alright, I'm going to give it a go. Well, can I have a look at the bottle? My English teacher told us a story once and he said that he was out in India and he was sat under a tree and he was eating some

what was he eating? He was eating something like, it wouldn't have been a burger but he was eating a sandwich or something like that. And there was sort of like this yellow, sort of like banana sauce that was sort of like on his plate. And so he kept dipping it in the banana. It's delicious. It's like this yellow sort of banana sauce.

And he said, what is this sauce? And they said, it's not sauce, it's monkey shit. And he looked like, and there was a tree above him full of monkeys

and they'd all shat this bright yellow shit onto his plate and he'd been eating it. That exactly happened to my friend in Florida. We were at Disney. He's eating chips

and I went, you don't like mayonnaise, do you? He goes, no. And I was like, well, there's mayonnaise on your chips and we looked up

and there's just a row of birds on a branch. Wanking onto his chip. He'd be letting the cloaca to get it all out. Oh, don't. You've reminded me of that egg now. What egg? The bad egg.

Oh, the bad egg. I wonder if that's how Banana Man got his powers. Wanking onto someone's chips. Hang on, that would mean... That's how he becomes Banana Man. It's really awkward. He's got to go like, we need you now, it's an emergency.

Because he's young enough to explore and experiment so you know odds are he found it that way the hard way can we eat this please I'm going to taste the sauce alright me too I just wanted to just make sure

that it wasn't produced by someone eating a lot of nachos and shitting it into a bottle but if I'm the last person to try it oh god do you know what

it's not very nice the smell is much nicer oh that is that is... That is a complicated bunch of emotions. Now, it's got a sweetness. Do you know what, though? It's got a yogurty-ness to it as well.

It's got a sweet creaminess. Yes, it's a sweet creaminess that I find slightly crying. It doesn't taste anything like sweet corn. Do you reckon it's meant to taste like buttery. It's buttery. It doesn't taste anything like sweet corn. Do you reckon it's meant to taste like sweet corn with loads of butter on it? Yeah, I guess so. What is that meant to be?

It's bizarre, isn't it? It's got an aftertaste, hasn't it? Salsa sabor amiz. Paul, are you okay? I fucking hate that shit. I hate this segment. And I hate this fucking show. Bizarre. That is a bizarre sauce. show. Oh, fuck. Bizarre.

That is a bizarre source. Paul, Paul. Paul, pass us that fizzy water that you bought in for us, please. Would you, please? There you go. There you go. Oh, mate, that is... I don't mind that. I mean, I didn't find it as disgusting as Paul did, obviously.

It's not... You know what my gag reflex is like with this shit? And if I don't like the texture, I'll reject it outright. It has a very smooth and cloying texture. It's a slightly like buttery phlegmy

kind of thing going on. It's just it. Do you know what's, okay, right. It was disgusting, right, this sauce, right? So what was the worst thing about the sauce?

Rather than, I mean, it was, nothing about the, it didn't even have the same consistency as a regular sauce. It was sort of like too creamy for a sauce. It's almost like a May's mayonnaise.

Yes, it has a very rich sort of texture, almost. But it's too much. May on May's. May on May's, yeah. And I felt like the flavour didn't back up the texture. Because the flavour has this sort of... It's sort of almost cardboardy. Like papery sort of flavour.

You know when you're in a cinema and you get nachos and all of the jalapenos and the cheese or the salsa is gone and you're left with just a box of unfinished corners? Yes. And then you just think, oh, I'm just going to eat them. Yeah, I love that. It's like when you breathe in and you catch that dusty, dry flavour. That's what it's like, yeah.

That's what it tastes like, but it's in this wet, creamy sort of sauce. I'm sorry. I thought initially. Tickle me. Okay. This happens week in, week out. Initially, I would say the first sort of split second of tasting it, I was going, this is all right.

And it kind of gets a bit worse. Would you have that with corn, though? It's the back end. I wouldn't. I wouldn't eat that with anything. Do you going, this is all right. And it kind of gets a bit worse. Would you have that with corn though? It's the back end. I wouldn't. I wouldn't eat that with anything. Do you know what it is though?

You're constantly trying to guess what flavour is, what the flavour is right up until the last swallow and then even afterwards the aftertaste is just like,

I can taste something in my mouth but I don't remember tasting it at any point while I was tasting it. Yeah, I don't know how much of our sort of being repelled

by that is to do with us just not being familiar with that. And also just eating off of a spoon. Do you know what the best way to work that out is? Keep eating it. Well, just do another round. No. Right, I'm going to distribute some hot sauce Top Trump cards. Oh, yes.

So this wasn't a hot sauce, was it? No. I don't know what it was going to be. It was a little bit spicy, though. It was like Dorito heatwave. These were sent in. It's like performing analingus on someone whose sole diet was Dorito's

heatwave. So what we've got here is something that was sent in by a listener to the show. And it was sent in a few weeks ago. And amazingly, all they did was take all the top hot sauces they could find and repurpose them into a makeshift. He's called it the cheap show Hot Trumps game. Yeah.

Do you recognise any of these hot... We've probably tried a few of these on the show, right? I don't recognise any of them. Do you know what I think is... Oh, Sauce Shop. I've seen that. That's a quite expensive one, yeah. So Red Hot... Frank's Red Hot Sauce is overrated, isn't it?

It's overrated, and it's one of these hipsters. They've got on it for some reason. They've got on it because it's really sort of popular in the southern states of America. Well, it's American. Yeah. And if you can kind of repurpose stuff over it, oh, yeah, that's what they do.

Do you know what should have got the glory? What? We're talking about American hot sauces instead of Frank's Red Hot, which is just vinegary, you know, it is overrated. It's a large bottle of Tabasco. Yeah, yeah. And it hasn't got the flavour, the complexity of the Tabasco flavour.

And it doesn't have the complexity of the flavour of Crystal, Louisiana Crystal hot sauce. Right. Which has got a slightly fermented, it's watery like Tabasco, slightly fermented, very vinegary, delicious sauce. What I'd say about Tabasco is Tabasco takes over

the flavour of most things that you add it to, which is, it's great with oysters, but that's about the only reason, that's about the only time it's acceptable. Really?

And then another hot sauce, I think, would be better for anything else. I like it on pizza, Tabasco. Tabasco. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I mean,

why wouldn't you have holy fuck sauce on a pizza? That's delicious. Yeah, I'd go for that as well. See? But holy fuck sauce on an ice serving. What are you doing? Have we had hot that on the show?

Can we get some? Holy fuck. Yeah. No, we will, definitely. We've got to recommend it. So, yeah, come round. Yeah, because I've got the Tabasco card here.

And it says Country of Origin USA. Is that right? Yes. Oh, I did not know that. Although the green Tabasco is delicious. Oh, the jalapeno. Oh.

No? Yeah, no. And do you know what else? Have you ever tried the flame label Habanero Tabasco? The super hot one. The brown one. No, no.

The super hot one. The label is like a flame. It's a beautiful label. No. No. That is a fantastic sauce. But I think the smoky... Is it Chipotle?

Chipotle is the brown one, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. That's good, yeah. That's nice. I'm sort of obsessed with it. So if I see one hot sauce, I've got to buy the set. Yeah. Yeah.

I've got like, you know, the Sriracha. I've got the green one. I've got the yellow one. Oh, have you ever heard of the smoky Sriracha with the grey top? That's the holy grail. I've seen the grey top, but I didn't know what it was. Grab it. If you see it, grab it, because it's not going to be around for long.

Sure. It's like love. Yeah. Should we have one round? One round then. I'm impressed that one of your listeners has made these. We have a... So a lot of them have a lot of time on their hands.

Really? And also deeply, deeply creative. We've had all sorts sent to us in terms of badges, T-shirts, designs, board games. Someone is actually making a cheap show video game right now, which is like a point-and-click adventure, like Monkey Island. Oh, my God, Monkey Island, come on. Fucking beautiful.

Fantastic. Well, once he's got his family and stuff in order, then he can concentrate on your fucking game. On making my show, yeah, which is my only real concern. You absolute ego-man. Look, I know your mum's struggling, but when do you think you're going to get that game out, Paul? Right, so what do we do?

Someone starts and they say... I think you have to pick a topic and then we all pick a card that we think will be the best. So let's go for heat level. All right, heat level. So I'm going to pick a card that I think is the hottest out of my selection. I can actually see what this is. You don't have to think.

You just look and prove it with the numbers. It's a number process, Paul. You see which number is the most. Oh, you know what? You can all suck it. I don't think I've ever really understood Top Trumps, but sure. No, I'm always a bit confused, but I've certainly got the hottest one of my set.

Yeah, so do I. So do I. Right. Have you ever had Barron hot sauce? Barron, I like. Oh, fuck me, that's good, right? Yeah, it's great. Where's Barron from? It's a Caribbean, Jamaican hot sauce. Ohron I like Oh fuck me That's good right Where's Barron from? It's a Caribbean

Jamaican hot sauce Oh is it sweet? Caribbean or Caribbean As we say Someone's been Brainwashed by the seven seas Right in that case Eli you start

What's the one That you've picked out? I have Morrison's Ghost chilli sauce Extra hot fiery Ghost ghost chilies. Oh, what's that going to be? That's going to be hot, right? From the UK.

85 out of 100. Fuck me. Hang on, is that Morrison's as in the shop Morrison's? Yes. Oh, fair play. They're good for hot sauce. Fuck me. I didn't know that.

What's that? 89? Yeah. Fuck. 85. Anyone beat that? No. I can't.

Does that mean you get the card? Yeah. I got... This is called Sauce Brothers Sauce of the Dead. Your spirit will rise from your body. That's what it says on the bottle. I bet that has carrot in it. It sounds so carrot-y.

Country of origin, Colombia. Costs £1.12 a bottle. And the heat level is 95 out of 100. That must be the hottest card in the pack. 92% amplitude, though. That's probably a good thing, isn't it? Fuck, so we all have to hand them over? Yeah. My one, ironically, for a hot sauce

was 69. You wouldn't want to go anywhere near. Might not be the hottest, but definitely the sexiest. Imagine having habanero sauce all over your tongue. And then going down. And then licking out someone's arsehole and then it'd be like fucking worlds colliding.

Yeah, we call it the hot pocket. So you get to pick the category now, do you, Paul? Oh, yeah. It could be like, are you burning my tongue or am I burning your arsehole? Do you know what I mean? What's going on, guys? Alright, I'm going to go get them to eat a shitload of corn, have a diet

of corn beforehand. Have you been on Doritos Heatwave? Well, actually, that's weird because corn is the one thing that wouldn't come out. That would still remain in its kernel. Of course.

It doesn't digest, does it? And it would probably look the same coming out as it went going in. That's how they got the idea for the sauce. And Colonel Sanders. One ropey night

on the tiles and Colonel Sanders comes up with a whole range of sauce. Did anyone else used to eat mustard, grey mustard, on their corn on the cob? Grey mustard? Yeah, it's delicious.

What's grey mustard? Do you mean like it's the make of mustard or it's the colour of the mustard? It's what the French call grey mustard. It's yellow, but it's like... Like Dijon? Meal, yeah, Dijon. Oh, is that where the grey poupon comes from? Yeah, grey poupon.

That's what I'm talking about. I did not know about that. Pardon me, but do you have any grey poupon? All right, I'm going to go with this one then. Label design. None of my labels are very good, I have to say. It's a very... I've got Flying Goose, Sriracha Mayo Sauce, Creamy and Spicy, Thailand.

And this says 90% of them. It's just a regular bottle design, so it's pretty... Yeah, but it's simple and effective. Yeah, and we recognise it. You've got 90 on the label? 90 on... I can't beat that. You've got 90 on the label?

We can only go by what this guy judges is a good label. This is his opinions, not ours. My label's not good, but my bottle is shaped like a fucking skull. Oh, I like those ones. But it's not bottle design, is it? It's label. No. I guess you must have incorporated that, but does it beat 90?

I would have thought 90. No, nothing. No. Well, I am best at hot sauce top trumps. You are. Hooray. That's all done. No I guess you must have Incorporated that But does it beat Ninety What I would have thought Ninety No nothing No Well I am best at Hot sauce top trumps You are Hooray That's all done

Well that segment done Well hang on This was the best thing I've done all week Do you want to do One more round One more round We did do an episode

Of four round No fair enough Let's do one more round I'll tell you what You can pick Nick The topic Well I think we should All pick

Yeah alright Alright then Until we get to the topic. Well, I think we should all pick Yeah, alright. Alright, then till we get to the end. Nick, you pick I've just given Paul my card Did everyone give him the card? Did we have to give him our top label card? You've got to pick one. You lose it if it doesn't win Look at this card action

So, Nick, you pick whatever you want now Whatever topic you pick, you'll win with your card It's not whatever I want, it's what I think I'll win, Paul Oh, God. And so it goes on. The decision making is kind of... Day after day. I'm going to put...

Minute after minute. I think some people have... The ongoing drone of noise. ...behind me to this. Blithering out. I'm going to go for value for money. Value for money. Oh.

That's very on top of your cheap show. Yes, thank you. Value for money. Again, I just need to mention Crystal in this context because it's cheap as chips. It really is. Crystal meth? Crystal hot sauce.

Louisiana hot sauce. Of course. It goes great on crystal meth. All right. In that case, all I've got, my highest one for value for money is the... Should you go first, do you think? Yeah.

Because it was your round? Yeah, good. Sweet. I'm just moving it on. Lingham's chilli sauce, sweet and spicy, highest one for value for money is Should you go first, do you think? Yeah. Sweet. I'm just moving it on. Lingam's chilli sauce, sweet and spicy picante relish from Malaysia. I get value for money 89 out of 100 because it's 64p for a full bottle of 100ml. Isn't a lingam what they call in Hindu culture a penis?

Certainly is. No, a vagina. Lingam? Yeah. I went to lingam school. Does that mean I went to cock school? Well in a way I mean in a way My parents had a book And it was full of like Nudie

Reliefs from the medieval period In India What? I'm sure they kept going Opened up a yoni And stick the lingam in I didn't understand Any of that sentence

Value for money yeah? Yeah Best I could do was 86 Oh I mean it was my go? Yeah. Best I could do was 86. Ooh. I mean, it was my go, and the best I could do was 78. Really? Yeah.

What was yours? I got terrible cards. I've got value for money of 78. Mahi Boot Jolokia, award-winning hot pepper sauce from the UK again. 78? Yeah.

Yeah, 78. Mine was Frank's Red Hot Wings. What do you think of buffalo sauce, Elo? I? Yeah. Yeah, 78. Mine was Frank's Red Hot Wings. What do you think of buffalo sauce, are you Lowry? I like it. Yeah, but... I like it on chicken wings. I prefer anything on chicken wings.

I prefer barbecue chicken wings with a hot sauce on the side to dip into. Oh yeah, now you're talking. But buffalo... It can get too much of buffalo. It can get too vinegary, definitely. That's why you need

some blue cheese dipping. Listen, you get the triumvirate. think it's triple jew threat of of sauces right right so nathaniel you pick the final round of this this is it so you you said i had a clean card i know i can't win i don't think because i think you've already got that's the can i play the cards i've been given? I can't, can I? You've got so many cards, and I've... Are you giving your cards away while you're playing? Er, yeah.

Well, why have you got, like, eight cards and I've got four? I don't know, maybe I started with a few more. Did you hand out just any old random number? Yeah, I only didn't steal them accurately. Oh, this is fucked from the start. So, basically... I didn't think it was going to take off like it has. I always hate to talk about the phrase taking off,

but yeah, I can understand. I'm going to go with him. I'll tell you what, then do the opposite. Pick who you think was the lowest. Oh, reverse trumps. Yeah, reverse trumps. I've got... That sounds like you've sucked in a fart.

We've done that. I mean, come on. Have you? I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to go there. I want to know what sex act a grey poupon would be.

Sex act a grey poupon? Would it be like someone elderly? Probably retro. Yeah. Mouth sex with an elderly person? Yes, it would. A grey...

With their bum. No, straight in the gob. What's the poo bit then? Okay, right. Can we take the teeth out, can't you? All right, and the reverse one, heat level, lowest. Lowest heat level. You want lowest heat level?

Mm-hmm. Mine is the Bonnie Sauce Company. Mango and habanero hot sauce, which has a heat level of 12 out of 100. Oh, that's strong. My lowest is 20 for the yo Chilli sauce, wasabi sauce. What's Yo Chilli? Is that from Yo Sushi? Yeah, their own brand of a...

They don't exist anymore in this country. Do they not? No. Well, they're not on the South Bank anymore. No, they've gone. Oh, wow. And they deserve to go, because you get two small bits of sushi, it's 20 quid.

And then they try and charge you to have tap water. Fuck them. That's not actually how it works. But Sean, I would say, which is almost baffling and unbelievable, but you're doing it wrong. What? Eating no sushi. It's literally a place where coloured plates come along,

demarking how much they're worth, on a conveyor belt past your face, and you pick up the one that you want. You eat until you're full, and then someone adds up the plates at the end. That's right. And you fucked it. How?

Because you're paying 20 quid for two plates of fish. Depends on what those two plates are. I think I've got the wrong tea option or something. Sure. Anyway, you've won my cup. I've got 27, and I'm Varnazis. It's a sauce I haven't come across.

Green hot pepper sauce from Greece. Ooh. He's done his research. He has done his research. I'll give him that because he's got an extensive amount of sauces. Paul, do you remember their name? Who? No.

I know. So have they literally... Mine is Valentina Salsa Picante. 27 out of 100. Lovely. That's a nice warm flavour though. It's not hot, but it's nice and warm so as the person that's made these

if they'd tried all of them and done their own rating system they must have because all the photographs suggest that he's done it in his house on the same kitchen table oh my god that is like the bit in the third act of a serial killer movie where you put together oh my god it was all on the same table right is that that then?

That's that. That's a really great game. Now, here's a question. Do you think if we could get a different set of Top Trumps every week, that is a podcast? Well, there's loads of them, isn't there? You can get Bond, horror. Are you going to list an infinite number of Top Trumps? Race cars.

That's not the part of the question. Stand-up comedians. This isn't the part of the question we need help with. Anything there's more than one of. Action movies. They could conceivably do Top Trumps. Pokemon. Let's make a mathematical rule.

If a type of object in the world has more than one of, then there's a theoretical Top Trumps game that can be made of it. Buildings. You can do the atoms. Books. Donald Trump's family. Donald Trump's family,

that'd be a good one. The royals. We could call it Top Donalds. Who's your Top Donald? Sutherland? Don, er, Duck? Is he related, mate? Don Amesh.

Don Arden, wasn't he an animator? Don Hardon? Don Arden. Don Hardon, the animator? No, Don Arden was a rock promoter. I was going to say, isn't he Sharon Osbourne's dad? Yeah, that's right. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Speaking of Hardons, you should be a little less hard on Eli. Why? Hey! No, don't fucking yay that. Come on, mate. I was spraying disgusting chilli oil all over my bedroom,

all over the curtain. Is that a great coupon? Are we going again? Yeah, we're going now. Right, it's time for the Price of Shites, where Eli and I go through charity shops and we pick out a bunch of things and they have to guess, in this instance,

the price of those items. We try to tailor them somewhat to our guests, so hopefully you'll like the things we've got to pull out and reveal to you. Is this what we're doing now? This is what we're doing right now. This is the game show segment of the show. So I've got five items today and how we're going to play is this. I've got five items and five prices.

When you've seen five items, you will attach what you think is the right price to said item. So we both get to play? You can play together. Can I play? Yeah. Are you looking for petwings? I'm on the hunt for petwings, baby. Yeah, petwing is our point system. I'm hot for petwings. I've got a twinge on for petwings.

I'm petwinging. For the listeners at home, Eli's face when he says all that is truly horrifying. Yeah, they all know how his face grows when he gets excited about betwings. In this game, points mean... Betwings!

And betwings mean... The thing that we get. Yeah. I like it. If you score a point, you get betwings. I don't. Right. What are the rules, Paul?

It's simple, I've just said. Five items and five prizes. When you've seen all five items, you will match, hopefully, the right prize to the item. And then how do we score betwings in this version? For every one you get... Oh, fuck me. You see, you don't know.

You're falling down. You're falling down again on the rules. Well, you can all make a note on the lovely little pad of what you think the prices are, all right? But you've put the prices on the piece of paper. Yeah, because I thought they were just going to play it together. Now you want to come in. I don't have to play.

I'll help administrate this. You are now the expert who administrates the betwings. You're the betwing administrator. You could be like the antiques expert on a bargain hunt. And we're the sort of people that come along to try and... It's like flog it. Should I do a little characterisation? Yes.

Or bargain hunting. Oh, Paul, did you press the button? Yeah, it's pressed. Great. Oh, Christ. Right. Here is the first item for you to have a look at and see if you can guess the price. There you go

So it's a Jaws drain stopper This was bought in a British Heart Foundation in Harrow Can I just ask a question? What are we doing? You are looking at an item And then you're going to have a thought About what the price of it might have been From the charity shop of which I bought it

So the price of what it was at the charity shop Not the price of what it was originally Okay, it's a nice mould It's a very of what it was at the charity shop, not the price of what it was originally. Okay, it's a nice mould. It's a very nice mould of the shark. So it's a blue mould of a shark jumping. If the water is flat, then the shark is jumping out of the water and it's got three barrels behind it

and it's got its mouth open. It's actually quite a good mould of the Bruce the Shark from the film. It's got the jowls you see. Yeah, it really does. So that's for, you put it in your bath and it acts as a plug. I guess. I thought it was going to be attached. It protrudes enough that you could

stick it up your arse and it could be like a butt plug. Two types of plug in one. Yeah, you could actually put it on a minute. You could actually put it on the bath. Doritos heatwaves. I'd say it describes...

It describes itself as an adult collectible. Oh, dear. Well, that would just keep falling off. Now, important thing, it has a sticker on it that says half price. Yeah. Now, Paul, important thing. It has a sticker on it that says half price. Yeah. Is that the price you got it for? Now, it was half price in the charity shop.

Well spotted. I like an observant man. Is that the sticker from... Could I have a look at that, please? So it would actually be... Right. It's retail... The price you'd imagine it would be would be twice as much.

That's correct. Here's a question. Than the actual sold price. Why is it 17 plus? Why is it for 17 year olds and over? I don't know. It's a dream stopper. Because, you know, a child might stick out their arse.

I think when you're 17, your arse hole has relaxed enough. To get Brucey up there. Brucey? It's called Bruce. I know, but I was thinking of Forsythe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. No, I like the sculpt.

Those barrels are very accurate to the original film. I think the whole thing looks great. It's just it's moulded all in blue. Yes. And that's unusual. I don't understand. It's obviously not a sex toy. It's obviously just for stopping your drain.

I don't understand why it says 17 plus on it. No. An adult collectible, not a toy, which is not a toy, but there's no small parts. No, no. Unless you consider atoms of water a small part, which you would have to use in conjunction with them.

I mean, enough of them in your jar. I would also say that it's definitely official Jaws merchant. Looks like it's a proper... Looks like it's official. Like official, like fish. Yes. Yes.

And it's a loot crate, which means it was given away in a box of loot crate stuff I don't understand why it's 17 plus that's my only thing Jaws is a trademark and copyright

so it's official merch yeah how much do you think that you would be selling that for as an like like new

I reckon new you're looking at about 8 quid yeah at least yeah it's a really good sculpt. It's just like, it's weird that they've fallen at the final hurdle, which is production.

Yes. Because it's like, the sculpt is so, it's not just a generic shark. It's a sculpt from the movie. Of the movie. Because the movie, the fake shark in the movie Jaws has jowls. Has those little jowly bits. I never noticed that before. Was it John Alves that did the art direction in the first one?

No, I can't remember. Because he directed the third or the fourth one. I think he directed the third one. And he always hated the jowls. So when they did the second one, they worked on sort of like re-sculpting it, so they didn't have them. So as a sculpt of not just a shark,

but of a character from a movie, it's excellent. And the barrels are a great addition it's just it's all one colour and it's kind of if they'd just gone for two colours

perhaps if he was well you see once you've opened up a well you're yellow grey and blue at least you've opened up what's it called

a barrel of fish is it barrel of can of worms can of worms so it's like you need worms if you're doing fishing

yeah I honestly thought it was going to be like you know attached to a train so it floats to the surface Worms. Can of worms. You need worms if you're doing fishing. If you're fishing, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I honestly thought it was going to be like, you know, attached to a train so it floats to the surface of the bathtub so it kind of breaks the surface of the water. It looks like a shot. Yeah, that's exactly right. You need a barrel on a chain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be a toy. This isn't a toy. It's not a toy. This is an adult collectible. Don't you think that's fucking wicked? You have a floating yellow barrel on a chain that you plug in and it has the whole

you can recreate the finale of the film in your bathtub. And then in a point of orgasm you rip the barrel silly heatwave tornado.

Alright give us a rough guess then. It changes the bath water colour. It's good. It changes the colour of my bath water. Makes the milk chocolatey. I would probably say no more than a tenner, given that it feels like official.

It's good, apart from the colour. So I'm thinking like eight, nine pounds, I think. Well, I'll tell you what. Hang on, here's a question. How long is this segment normally? Half an hour. Cool. And are we on schedule or are we too much or too little?

I think we've gone a bit too much on the first IT. Well, I reckon originally it was probably about a tenner. And I reckon to buy that now, £1.50. Oh. Okay. I'll just make a little note of that now. Now there's no profit on top of the... Yes, yes.

It is basically they're selling a bath plug and they're not selling Jaws merchandise. Mm-hmm. So I'd say £1.50. Did we get a guess from Nat there? Well, yeah, we can give that as well. Although I absolutely fucking love this. I would say like £4.

I'd love that. Thank you. £4. £4 from where is it? Dr. Barnardo's? This is British Heart Foundation. British Heart Foundation. Oh you. Four pounds. Four pounds from, where is it, Dr. Barnardo's? This is British Heart Foundation. British Heart Foundation. Oh, British Heart Foundation.

Does that mean they'll deliver it to your door? No, but they'll pick it up. And if you don't want it, will they pick it up for you? Yeah, they'll pick it up for you. Could bring a big van round with an angry man who has a problem with his job. Who can't find his way round a fucking labyrinthine block of flats. I don't think so. I'll do it myself, mate.

Right, next item is this. I'll let you have a look at this one. Okay. The top end of a guitar, the best end. It's called Guitar Rockstar. It's a Tomy toy. We've had a few Tomy toys on the show in the past. Which makes it Japanese, Tomy?

Yes, it is. Yeah, long, long-standing toy company. So it's like a typical kind of, it's got a little black switch at the back that you flip, and it's got speaker holes at the back, and it's shaped like a guitar. What is that part of the guitar? The head? Is it the motor head?

The motor head, that's right, yeah. And it's got, like... Buttons. Like buttons for fingering. The thing is, it's basically an air guitar player. It scans your hand movements. So it knows when you're flashing. So I think you hold it by its neck.

Yeah. And you can sort of strum the air. I think this has batteries in. Let me have a look. Oh, that's quite something if it is. And are you doing... You hold the frets down. That's the greatest thing I've ever seen. That is so good.

It's great. I thought it was terrible. That is so good. Where's this one from? I think this is an Oxfam. I got this about a year ago. What are the chances? No, what are you doing? Oh, you're just pressing buttons if you did nothing. Do you have to strum?

Yeah. God, it's pretty good. You can recognise your pan down. You can now use your stomach to play guitar. I don't think it's the most sensitive of instruments. I don't know. It depends what you're playing. I just had a thought.

Yeah. If Lemmy did run a bouncy castle... If Lemmy did run a bouncy castle, yeah. Imagine you could have the whole motorhead, whatever that, you know, the motorhead metal head thing as the actual castle, and they go in its mouth

and bounce around inside its mouth. And the neck gets floppier and floppier until a bunch of kids jump up and down on it. Anyway, so... You need a price for the Tomy... Wow, it looks cheap, as anything. It was mint on card, right? It was new in the box when I got it, yeah.

It hadn't been opened, so I only opened it to put batteries in for this. It's much cooler to watch Paul play it than it is to actually play it yourself. Right. And it's from an Oxfam and so we're actually trying to guess

how much they bought it for, right? Yeah, we bought that. And what are the chances that the person that worked in Oxfam, I mean it's really cool but when you see it in the box, what are the chances

that the person in Oxfam got it out, had a go on it and went, you know what, I reckon that's worth more than I thought it would. Well, I also think

if you're pricing it in an Oxfam, I think I would see that and go, all right, so that head of a guitar, you press the buttons and it makes a kind of guitar sound. You've got six different ones. It's probably awful. It's probably worth a lot more than this,

except, looking at it, it looks a bit shit. And it looks like what it does is shitter than what it actually does. It is shit. What's this stuff? Oh, that's just a piece of cardboard. Yeah. So I reckon, like, I think this may be like £1.50. How much do you think it's worth, though?

I reckon you'd buy it at a gadget shop for 15 quid. Yeah, 15 quid. I'm doing the who. It's good. Oh, I like the metallic sort of paint finish. It's not bad. And it's a Tomy toy, so it's made well. It's a quality item.

I think that that is, if I dare say, good. Yeah. And I would think you're right. I would think they're selling it as a Tomy toy, but I reckon if they put that in, what's that shop called? Oxfam? No, no, but one of those. Oh, like a gadget shop, Menzo.

Bazaar, what's it? Harper's Bazaar? Harper's Bazaar. That kind of thing. I think they could do all right with that. Fuck me, I love... Extortionate in a Harper's Bazaar. Harper's Bazaar is great though, right?

Oh, but if you get dragged out shopping, you just say, have a field day off in Ann Summers or Victoria's Secret or whatever you're up to. I'm off to Harper's Bazaar and then B&Q. Love it. What a day. You could go into WH Smith and look at the magazines as well if you wanted.

Look, these buttons at the top, these affect the notes in some way. There's a flat and a sharp, I believe, those two. That's great. It's really great. It's got a certain amount of versatility to it. So you can hold the flat down, I guess, and then... But going back to what you were saying about WH Smiths there, Eli, what was that?

What about WH Smiths? Looking at the magazines. Well, you can go and look at the mags for free, can't you? If someone is in Victoria's Secret or the Apple Store or whatever. Yeah, but I can just read stuff off my phone. Yeah, that's the shame of the modern world. Well, the thing is, Harper's Bazaar is probably actually suffering

for the advent of mobile phones, really. Because in the old days, you'd go into a Harper's Bazaar and fill in an hour or two in there. I've never seen Harper's Bazaar in my life. I don't know what you're talking about. Whack on a couple of headphones and just sit on a bench in the middle of the mall

and watch your phone while he or she is out shopping. What is Harper's Bazaar? I thought it was a magazine. Oh, it's got pre-programmed. Play along. It's Louis Louis. No, come on. It doesn't go like that. You're doing Wild Thing. Yeah.

No, it's not Louie Louie. It's Wild Thing. Wild Thing, yeah. It's the same thing really, isn't it? Yeah. Very similar. Okay. It's got a little karaoke sort of. Oh, it's good. Wild thing, I think I love you. How do you know what chords to play? I didn't, that was just a guess based on the fingers and the arrangement of the things on the fret. It's like fucking hanging out with Doc Brown over here, isn't it? The doctor, not the rapper. The kids are going to love it.

That's the important thing to take away from this. It's a great piece of work. I think in a charity shop you would just look at that and go, tat, utter tat. The joy of it's been lost on of work but I think in a charity shop you would just look at that and go tat. Yes. Utter tat. The joy of it has been lost on its own. I think that's great.

I think it's great. The sort of thing that I would look at in a Harper's Bazaar and maybe I'd make a mental note to come back to Harper's Bazaar

and purchase it for a brother-in-law for Christmas. Yeah, but I know what you're saying that it's the type of thing that

they would look at it and go, an old lady would see that and go, a bit of tat. Well, you say you know what you're saying to Nat but I the type of thing that... They would look at it and go, an old lady would see that and go, a bit of a tap. Well, you say you know what you're saying to Nat, but I think I brought that point up. If you rewind... Yeah, I'll complain.

I'm not doing rewind. We're not doing rewind. I think I brought it up initially where I said... Let's just, for the sake of moving on with the game... A person in Oxfam would look at that and think it was not worth as much. I don't think it was. I think it was the very first point I made, and then you ran with it.

Okay, okay. Both of you have done well there with that point. Yeah, it was very generous of you, but it's just a fact. You'll listen back to this. Mate, Nathaniel, if it helps, I can just edit his section out and leave yours in to sound like you're the originator of this tale. Would you prefer that?

Well, I think, yeah, I'm thinking like £1.50. All right, £1.50 again. All right, what do you think? £1.50. I said £1.50 much earlier on in the show. I literally said £1.50. Listen, if you both give the same price and you're both correct, you both get two petwings each.

That's true, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think we're playing as a team, aren't we? No. No, we're against each other. Yeah, you're against each other. Absolutely. Well, the way it was described initially, it was... No.

I think we rewind. You'll see. I think you'll find I've was described initially, it was... No. I think we rewind. You'll see. I think you'll find out. Definitely. I described it as a competition. I said £1.50 earlier. Yeah, you did for Jaws. No, on this.

Oh, yeah. Okay. You'll hear it. You want to say £1.50 again? You'll hear it. So all the prices are £1.50 now, are they? £2. God, I can't believe it.

£2. That's technique. You're going to get right one... You know, even a stop clock is right twice a day. So you just said £1.50 for every question. Yeah, but these genuinely look like they're worth about £1.50. Item number three. Oh.

This is an odd one. It's a book. Oh, Danny Peary's cult movies. Yeah. Do you know it? Yeah. Do you have a copy? Why do you know it?

Have I got a copy? I think I've had one at some point. This is exactly the sort of book that I would love yeah it's a great book it's a classic bit of uh you can add that if you want it as well i'd like everything that you've shown i'm trying to think wherever i've ever had it i used to get it out the library it's a book i was always after for years it's an interesting book because it came out in 81 yes an 81 book about cult movies exactly and what it puts in there i wouldn't necessarily describe as cult because there's things in there like Wizard of Oz

and Casablanca and Citizen Kane. And Hard Day's Night. But is that just because the availability of those films were harder so they were seen as cult because they were on the body snatchers? The word cult means there's a cult around it. So there's a subgroup of people. The Nazi professor. I don't know. I guess it's all maybe sort of slightly underappreciated or perhaps films that people. The Nazi professor. I don't know.

I guess it's all maybe sort of slightly underappreciated or perhaps films that were. The rain people. Sunset Boulevard. The thing is, though, at the time, things aren't necessarily a hit and they get forgotten about and then life moves on and then people remember them and then it becomes a cult. Whereas I think this book is the nerve

of writing a book about cult movies before a single cult movie was even made. Yeah, it wasn't really a thing until the 80s, right? Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a classic now. It's not a hardcore classic. The same with Wizard of Oz. It's a classic and Casablanca. But was Wizard of Oz a success

or was it one of those films like It's a Wonderful Life where it was a hit later on down the line on repeats and stuff? I think that's what this will be referring to. I think it will be stuff that had like a second life on television or...

It's just odd to see a book that also has Casablanca and then Behind the Green Door as well, which is... Casablanca, I think, is like a cult movie. Really? It was...

Well, fuck. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall had... Humphrey Bogart's wife was very sort of jealous of him because he kept running off with other women. So she kept like an eagle eye on him. I'm not sure if that's true, but she kept an eagle eye on him.

And so he only ever had one meeting with Ingrid Bergman about Casablanca. They went out for lunch before they made it and they predominantly talked about how can they both get out of making Casablanca. Really? Because it was shit. Because it had like 20-odd writers and all these kind of things.

You watch it now and it is like a tick list of everything that you need to make an amazing movie. And at the time it was all cliches and they were like like every line of dialogue is is is famous and we all know it all like if even if you've never seen casablanca you know at least you know it through osmosis right and you watch it and you go yeah of course this is this is probably the greatest movie ever made but at the time they were like this is such a load of shit it's so cliched and corny and trite and all these things. Well, it's the Hollywood picture, isn't it?

It's the studio system. It's like they say, it's the high point. And it's like, if you've got a machine and you're perfecting this machine and it just puts out something that is just the most typical and perfect thing from that machine, you're going to ignore it at the time, aren't you? Because you're sort of like, oh, that was a perfect one.

Well, yeah, of course. Do you see what I'm getting at? It sort of must have had a sort of invisibility culturally at the time because it was just perfect. It was so obvious. It's like you can slag off McDonald's all you like, but when you sit down and you want it, you go, actually, there's something perfect about that.

That's the way they do it. Although I hate McDonald's and Casablanca's the way they do it although i hate mcdonald's and casplank is the greatest film ever so yeah called movies um how much do you think that cost i got it in crisis in archway crisis well yeah but where did you get it from i wish i had a drum kit with me you've got a guitar, mate. Close enough. And also, as a book, I'd say this is now... Like, this is probably worth a bit of money, mate, really. I think this book has gone through being worth £7.95 originally to being worthless, to being worth something again.

Yeah. And this is a book I've been looking for. And I think maybe it used to... Because I had it for a time, but I think maybe it was one of those things I got out of my college library and then probably had to give back after three years. I'll tell you what's interesting about it as well.

I mean, it's incredibly well written research and it gives you a breakdown of the plot. It's a great book. But apparently he fucking hates John Carpenter. In the two examples he gives, he hates Halloween. It's before. It's before. Before Big Trouble in Little China and They Live.

Yeah. But again, it wasn't... Years before. No, it's It's before. Before Big Trouble in Little China and They Live. Yeah. But again, it wasn't years before. No, it's the year before. Hang on, we'll do that again. He hates John Carpenter? Well, no wonder. It was years before Prince of Darkness.

Hang on, we'll do it again. He hates John Carpenter? Well, no wonder. It was 20 years before Ghosts of Mars. He'd only done Halloween, Elvis, The Thing, and maybe Escape from New York. Not even The Thing. Assault on Precinct 13.

Well, it was 82, wasn't it? Yeah. Fuck. So what had he done? Escape from New York? Assault on Precinct 13, Dark Star. He'd done Halloween. Chris B? No. Precinct 13. No uh he's done halloween chris no 13 christine was

so he'd done elvis he'd done dark star he'd done halloween precinct 13 escape from new york i reckon that's 81 i think escape from new york is 81 we'll find out we'll look it up in here and see if it's in it is it alphabetical yes yeah great book though this is a terrific book I reckon I don't think

they would know what they had I reckon it's probably worth more so yeah they've probably put it out for like although books

they're quite good on aren't they L. Toppo 81 what did I say 81 thank you what did we say 81 thank you what did we say

well we said 81 we said 81 I mean obviously I knew it was before 1985

because I suggested it in the first place so so it's not in there as well it's not in there which makes

makes it make sense so it's not in there as well. It's not in there. Which makes it make sense. So it's only judging it on Elvis, Dark Star, Halloween, Salt on Precinct 13. Salt on Precinct 13. Not the fog?

When was the fog? A few years later. I reckon the fog is before that. The fog was 76 or something. Yeah, I reckon it's earlier. No, I don't think it was 76. No, because it had to have been after the fog,

after Halloween. I don't think it's as early as that, my friend. We should have a whole new segment guessing John Carpenter release dates. That's what our show is. That's just what it is, yeah. Next week, vampires with a dollar sign. Unbelievable.

We've managed to come all the way over to someone else's podcast and still talk about John Carpenter. The fog is 1980. Oh, really? 1980, yeah. Okay, so that would have been that as well. That would be the one that I was thinking of.

Not in there, probably writing it at that time. The Fog was 80. So he was contractually obligated to make a load of films with whoever made Halloween, wasn't he? He didn't want to, and he went off and he fucked them over by making The Fog, because they got angry. And so he came back and he said, what about escaping New York?

Why were they angry with The Fog? Because it was someone else's production company. I think he went off and made it with Universal or something like that. And also they were very fussy about it because he wanted to

make a traditional ghost story and they went no can we have more death scenes and things so he went back and shot a lot of... The fog is dry.

Yeah it's not as... I've always liked it because I think the score is my favourite part of the fog. The score is just beautiful and really atmospheric and it

does a lot of heavy lifting. Did you say Oxfam it's from? Crisis. Oxfam are very good at pricing books. And they'll do them. And they'll do 99s as well, don't they? Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'll say this.

There's no 99 whatever. These are all round numbers, so it's all £1, £2. I'm going to say £5. £8. Oh. Well, I think that it might be £8 other than the fact that... I'd say a tenner, right? Yeah.

Other than the fact that it says £7.95 on the back and people are weird like that and they'd go, £7.95? It says £8 in here. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I can't believe I'm paying a tenner for something that's only worth £7.95.

Because people don't have value on stuff. Yes. Next item is another book. It is the Trivial Pursuit TV Edition Quiz Book. Which the Trivial Pursuit TV edition quiz book Which is Trivial Pursuit Did you write cunt down on that? Cult Someone's getting defensive

All I said was five quid No it's good that you noticed Because he's always writing cunt down When I'm talking to him You're not meant to see it though It's just for me All it is is a book full of What you'd usually get on the card if you bought a game I'm talking to him. No, you're not meant to see it, though. It's just for me to express myself. All it is is a book full of what you'd usually get on the card

if you bought a game. It's just question after question. Come on, then, give us... So that's a card replacement book, is it? I guess if you've gone through all your cards and got all the questions right, you can now buy a supplemental book. It's got a £2.99 price tag on the front. Back in the day, but not the price of what I got on the charity shop.

That's nice. Nice vintage price tag. I wanted to keep this on. Gives a little bit of cultural history to it, you know. With records, if you've got the shillings and pence stickers on records, keep those on. So the categories in this are song and dance, soap and soaps, fun and games. If you're listening at home, these are just good tips. Publication date? This is 93.

If you're not listening at home, there's still good tips. And if you're not listening, then what the hell are you doing here? Who are you? This is song and dance. Which TV show claimed an 18-month waiting list for tickets in 1988? Come Dancing. Well, thanks for noticing. This is just to cut to my travels.

Right, got it. You said come dancing. Yeah. You then went the election joke. What was the question? What TV show claimed to have an 18-month waiting list for tickets in 88? Oh, I know what it is now. You have another guess.

Claimed to have a what? How long? 18-month waiting list for tickets. Blind Date. Blind Date. Top of the pops. And you say? It's a knockout.

What's a TV show from 88? Can I just give me an answer? From 88? I didn't think... An old house party. Yes. No, the answer was... EastEnders.

Top of the pops. Second guess. I feel like... Bread. No, that's good. I wouldn't have thought that. Good. Bread.

Bread. And then you go, what are you... I'm in the I wouldn't have thought that. Go on. Bread. Bread. And then you go, what are you? I'm in the bread line. Something like that. I don't know. All right, next question. I don't know.

It's not all gold. We'll edit it around. Who named his son? Can I just ask a question? You know that maze stuff that we had? Is that kicking in with anyone else? Yeah, it is. I've got a creamy tundra going on right now in my guts. Really?

Yeah, I've got a real swirl going on. Oh, well, listen, it was legit. It is food. I mean, I haven't just... Was it meant to be in a fridge? Yeah, that's a really good question because it's got foam on the edge. Oh, no.

Hang on a minute. I don't think this should have a foamy tip. It was sealed. It'll be fine. Sure, sure, but the... Hang on a minute. The door for the studio is locked. It's a Sunday.

There's no security around. What's going to go on? It's fucking freezing in here as well. This is like being in a Tudor refrigeration unit. I'm cold. I'm achy. I've got a poorly belly. What's going on?

We can't get out of here. It's this fucking maze stuff. You've poisoned us all I have not Right I have not Stop pointing the finger Next question

What did Howard Hughes buy So he could watch Late night movies on TV A TV I mean That's your answer What did he buy So he could watch

Late night movies on TV A cinema Oh Oh hang on. Like a movie channel. Turn a movie. Turn a class at TCM. It's close, I'll give you that. He bought a TV station.

Just so he could have whatever he wanted on it certain nights when he decided not to leave his levar. Imagine that. He runs the station, he goes put that on. Put bread on. Didn't come down from his He also liked pissing in bottles, didn't he? Did he? Well, towards the end of his life, yeah. Which is a bit of a waste because I've been doing it all my life

and it's one of my favourite moments. Imagine discovering it late on. You'd think, what a wasted life. Well, for practical reasons, I've pissed in bottles this year. I mean, you know. Is that a shelf? No, they weren't on the shelf when I did with chilli oil, thank God. No, absolutely.

I've pissed in a whole line of chilli bottles. Of chilli bottles. Really? Yeah, yeah. And when you open the window and the breeze comes in, hits them one at a time, it plays out Layla. In smells? No, just in the volume of piss.

It's how high the piss level is in each bottle. I suppose, yeah. It corresponds to a tone. Alright, see if you can get this one then. I've got an extra thing at the end of this section, by the way. I've brought something along. I want our guests to have a go.

Are we meant to guess how much this book is worth? Yeah, but I just thought I'd colour it in with some questions. Which comic strip presentation saw the genres of a video director mixed with those of a hooligan in a plot based on The Fly? Say it again. What? Which comic strip presentation saw the genres

of a video director mixed with those of a hooligan in a plot based on The Fly? Does it mean the comic strip as in the TV show? As in the TV crew, yeah. Oh, the TV show, the comic strip. Yeah. So they've used a thing of the fly, have they? Oh, yeah, there is one, isn't there?

What is it, though? I do know what you mean. What's that one called? As in, what, with Robbie Coltrane? Yeah, all those. French and Saunders. Yeah. What was that?

The. That is obscure. I have no idea. I actually knew this one. That's why I thought everyone was going to get it.ers What was that? That is obscure, I have no idea I actually knew this one, that's why I thought everyone was going to get it How late was that? When was the fly-by? 1986? This would have been, I think, 87, 88 But they're still making it, it came back They did in a few of the thousands

They did the four men in a car, didn't they? That was great Four men in a car is one of my favourites When they had Spandau Ballet Can you do the question one more time? Yes didn't they and stuff like that that was great Four Men in a Car is one of my favourites when they had Spandau Ballet yeah yeah yeah can you do the question one more time yes

the fly and which oh shit it's number one video director and a hooligan make the fly yeah mix the genres

of a video director mixed with those of a hooligan in a plot based on the fly this is not very well worded I don't know

it's all about with 93 there is something whenever he asks a question like my brain switches off. I hear it, but I don't retain any information. Is it called The Yob or something?

The Yob or... It is The Yob. Well done. That's very well played. Who's in it? Alexis Ailes? I think, no, I think it was Michael, what's it, Richard Stevenson, the main guy? Peter Richardson.

Peter Richardson. That was, God, there's a basic word structure, isn't there? How much is the book, though? Not a lot. Not a lot. Like, cheap. A quiz. It's not just the fact that it's not worth much because

it's based on Trivial Pursuit questions, but also the fact that it's based on Trivial Pursuit questions from 1988. That's always tough, though. When you pick up a trivial pursuit board game that is like a special edition you wonder how dated the questions are like who's currently in power and whatever lovely photo i've not learned a thing since 1988 and i'm proud of that i think nick's right though it's got to be like a pound or 50p, I think. Maybe he's put the difference 150. 150.

One pound 50. I thought you've got all the prices written down. I have, but I'm just giving a gist, aren't I? What do you think that was? One pound, one 50? I'd say it's one pound for me. What did I say originally? Nothing.

Well, it's obviously more than nothing. Yeah, you say a pound. I'd say a pound. I think Nick's got that. I'll say 150. You can have the same price. No, I'll say 150, so to be different. Well, no, because you've said 150 four times now. Right.

So it's the opposite of being different. Being different from Nick. But I think Nick's probably now done it. I just don't actually think that anything here is worth more than £1.50 each. Right, last one is this. It's a game, and it's called The Bucket of Doom. Have you heard of this? No. It's one of those games

like... I've heard of it. I was married to it. Oh, fuck you! No, he was a lovely guy. Right. It is a game a bit like those cards to humanity game things where you randomly pick things out and be witty. So the idea is you've got two piles

of cards. Why is it in a bucket? Because it's the gimmick, isn't it? It's like everyday board games now can't just be board games. They've got to be burrito-wrapped games. So this is like about 200 cards inside a bucket. If you want a deck of cards, you either put them in a bucket or don't even have cards, put them

in a book. But this one comes in a bucket because that's the gimmick. So I'm going to shuffle these cards. I give you eight each. The idea is each of these cards has some kind of item or object on it. And then when you are faced with the moment of doom, you have to pick out one of your cards, which you think will get you out of that situation.

I've stopped listening. What? It just seems like I've got this really good gift for explaining games that people tune out instantly into. Should I deal? Yes. Okay. How I deal? Yes. Okay, how many each? Eight.

We're not going to play eight rounds. So why is it in a bucket? Because someone went, how are we going to package this board game? Oh, we'll just put it in a bucket. Do you want to do this slower? Fuck off! I just thought you might want to do it faster than this. I've maybe lost my place now.

It's going to take longer. Just quicker. I shouldn't have said eight. You do them all really close to you and then you hand them out afterwards. Yeah, you could have done that. I'm having fun. One moment of fun I'm having

and you straight in. Straight in. How many has everyone got? You know what? I've got five. Well, let's stick at five because we're not going to play eight rounds, all right? You've got five?

I've got five. Right. So what's going to happen now is I'm going to pull out a card and this card will have a situation on. Are we allowed to look? Yes, you can look at your cards. They're double-sided, is that right?

Yeah, but only pick from the black for the sake of this round, just because that's apparently the easiest setting. Easy setting. What if I want white? If you want to go with white, why not? Is there a difference between going with white or black? I just think it doubles the number of things on the cards. You get both sides out of it. I'm not a fan of Bucket of Doom already.

Yeah. Here is the situation. After I pull out this card, you now have to go through your cards and pick out one that you think will get you out

of the situation. Bucket of Doom? I prefer Bucket of Chicken. You know. They're not all winners. When you're in the... Right. So here's the thing.

You are the US president and the intern you definitely haven't had sexual relations with is going to the papers. Start again. What? Here is the situation. You are the US president

and the intern you have definitely not had... Yeah, you are in this instance. Which one? We're all role-playing. Anyone you want. The US president and you have got an intern and they're going to the papers because of sexual relations.

You have to go through these cards and pick out one that you think will get you out of this situation and explain why this item gets you out. All right? Mine one just says, top of Marge, or as I like to call her, bucket of... I've got one. I don't know how it's going to work, but I'll get there. Go for it.

What is your item? What do I have to do? Just tell me how you're going to use that card, that item, to stop the woman going to the papers. I've got a pooey toilet brush, Paul. Right, and how are you going to stop? How does that work?

I give it a... And then I get a good Jenkum huff off it, and then I forget. What's a Jenkum huff? Have you never heard of Jenkum? No, what's Jenkum? So Jenkum is the art of putting shit into a bottle, and then putting a balloon on the top where the neck is,

where the cap would be, and then you leave out in the sun. And as the shit decomposes, it fills the bottle with gas, which in turn inflates the balloon. When the balloon is inflated enough, you take it and then you just huff that gas. They do it in jail. They do it in jail.

They do it in jail? To get high. To get high? Yeah. I've got a cat out the middle, man, haven't I? You just go straight to the source and huff from there. Why don't they just fart in each other's faces? No, it's not fart.

It's decomposed poo gas. It's different. So what's it smell of? Worst things ever, but it gets you high. So that's my rotten shit. I go, just found a smell that's worse than shit. It's rotting shit. Basically, yeah.

Do you know what? See, this is for a locked up all day. Do you mind taking this boss hole and shitting in it and putting a balloon on the top, letting it inflate

and then when it's all in the sun and it's all heated up and that balloon's full of gas, can you just bring that back in here? Why?

I'm going to huff it. Do you reckon that's what was going on in Up? Yeah, that's what Up's about. Jenkin balloons. Nothing but Jenkin. That's why he's so sad, isn't he? He's remembering was going on in Up? Yeah, that's what Up's about. Jenkum balloons. Nothing but Jenkum.

That's why he's so sad, isn't he? He's remembering all his years in prison. Rolling around. Shouldn't have murdered his wife. All right, so you say toilet roll, Jenkum. Yeah. I just forget my troubles. I forget the troubles.

And just huff the Jenkum. Yeah, I just huff the Jenkum. All right, fine. That's not a good answer. I don't understand how that's meant to get you out of a problem. Well, we all vote now on who has the best suggestion. Is that honestly on the card? Puri Toilet Brush.

Yeah. Wow. These games, though, have an element of this where it's all like, ugh, edgy, edgy shock. Yeah, that's what I like about it. What's the really popular one? What, like Cards Against Humanity? That's all about like that, isn't it?

It's a little bit. And you play it three or four times, you have a laugh, and then it's like, oh. But then they always have, like, Cards Against Humanity? That's all about like that, isn't it? It's a little bit. And you play it three or four times, you have a laugh, and then it's like, oh. But then they always have, like, the adult version, which is just full of swearing and body parts and things like that. The edgy version. I was getting an idea for, like, a theme park. You get the Motorhead Bouncy Castle.

Yeah. Yeah. And the kids' bouncy castle is inflated with, like, rotten shit. Yeah, Jencombe Castle. The whole inflatable castle is made full of Jencombe. Which is what it was known as before 1986. And then Craig Charles did the voiceover. Jencombe Castle.

I'd love to hear him do the voiceover for that. Right. We need an answer, though, from you guys. I don't understand this. Stop us. I'm the US president. Yeah. Someone's come along and is going to say that I've done the US president. Yeah. You have to come up with a story. Someone's going to say... An intern has come along

and is going to say that I've done something to them. Yeah. And then you have to use one of your cards to get out of that situation. All right. I'll have leather office swivel chair. Right. And what I'll do is,

I'll be on it. She said I'm going to the papers. I'll swivel on the chair, pick up the phone, call the secret service and say, have this woman killed immediately. That will do it. Yeah. That will do it. That will do it.

And you do need to swivel round to the phone. Yeah, the phone's behind me. Right, go on. What have you got, Nick? So I'm meant to use whatever's on here. One of those cards as an excuse. I'm meant to create a scenario involving one of these. That item, yeah.

One of them says bingo wings. Yeah, I'll just say she's got bingo wings. Yeah. I'll just say, she's got bingo wings and that will take the edge off. Yeah, that'll do. Will that be it? Well, that's a bit like what Trump would say, you know, personal attack.

Couldn't have been me. I'm not a pervert. I was reading my copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. Yeah. There we go. Is that the end of that? That's the end of that fucking game. But that is the final item on the price of shite tonight,

the Bucket of Doom game. And I could probably get money for that. I mean, it's nothing to it, is there? Nothing. But you could probably... It's like, oh, God, imagine if you sent your partner out and you said, oh, God, make sure you go and get a set of Cards Against Humanity. And they come back and they've got a Bucket of Doom. You're like, I said Cards Against Humanity. And they come back and they've got a bucket of doom.

You're like, I said Cards Against Humanity, not Bucket of Doom. Yeah, it's a knockoff Cards Against Humanity, isn't it? Yeah, I reckon you might get a tenner for it, though. I'll give you this as a hint. This is the most expensive item out of the lot today. A tenner? 78 quid. All right, 78 quid.

I'm going to say nine pounds. Nine pounds. All right, 78 quid. I'm going to say... I'm going to say... £9. £9. All right. And... Nathaniel said tenner. Tenner. Right, well, it's time to reveal the prices now.

Eli, how do you feel about it? Do you want to give us your own little quick rundown? Of all the items? Yeah, do you have a favourite? My favourite's probably the... The cult movie book. Oh, okay. What are your favourites from the selection today? Cult movie book. Oh, okay. What are your favourites from the selection today?

Cult movie book. I quite like the True Pursuit TV quiz. Yeah. No, I like cult book, and I like the guitar thing, and I like the Jaws thing, and I don't... It's not all bad altogether, but here we go. Here are our bad haul today. I didn't like Bucket of Doom.

I was disappointed by it. I thought it would be more fun. It's not fun because they're trying too hard to make the actual thing funny. The thing is, when something's not edgy and then someone is edgy, then it becomes funny. But when you're encouraging your mum to say something that she doesn't want to say, it just makes everyone feel dirty and disgusted with each other and themselves. It's like nobody wants that.

It's a bit like doing meth for three days and then, you know. I don't. Go on. And your dad says you've been hogging that all Christmas. Exactly. Right. Here we go. The first item was Jaws.

Here it is. Nathaniel said £1.50. Nick said £4. The first item was Jaws. Here it is. Nathaniel said £1.50. Nick said £4. The price was £2. I can't believe I said £4. I know. I think I probably would have said something like £2. No, Petwing's there.

Is this how we're playing? No, Petwing's there. Yeah, this is how we're playing. Just to give you the rules, which Paul failed to. Say Petwing's are only if you're spot on. Well. You get two if it's on the nose. If it's 25p, should we say 50 for this?

Let's say 50p. Yeah, because we want some petwings on the board. So hang on, I turn on the senders. If you guess the price exactly, spot on, that's two petwings. Okay, right, so maybe you do charity shops different from how I do them, right? But if something is two pounds,

I'll double it, because it's for charity. So whatever two quid is, that'll be four quid for me no that's great and that's what I put yes but that's a tip or that's a donation that's not a tip that's a tip

in the fucking behind the fucking counter I'm helping the dogs or whatever they are tip tip wasn't the right word Nick but you pay two pounds

but you also donate two pounds yeah the donation is a separate kind gesture I can donate whatever I want you're not going to fucking tell me

what I'm fucking donating. No, I'm not trying to. I'm not trying to tell you what you should donate. It's my stipulation. It's my generosity. Mate, I'm not going to get in the way and tell you

how much you're allowed to give to fucking charity. I'm just saying that £4, that's bang on for me. So give me a betwing. Listen, you'll get a betwing, mate. You'll get a betwing

when you've earned it and you're not earning it. If anything, you're just trying to wriggle your way into points. That was a transparent ploy for petwings. And we can see those. I'm going to have to dock him.

Do you know what? I'm not sure about this podcast. Now, if you're on the nose to petwings, with this special edition, 50p either way, either side of the price. We get one petwing. So that is now one per twing up. He's got one per twing.

That's got one per twing there. Sure. All right. Right. Next one was the Tomy guitar handle. Again, Nat said 150. Nick said two quid. I think I said £1.50.

I didn't write that down. I wrote two quid. I guess I'm going to have to listen back and see if I was wrong. Oh, my God. Also, I can listen back and just cut that bit out so I remain correct. Also, don't act, because you might be on the nose there or something, you know, and then

you're not. Yes, because it was two quid. You've got two betwings. You've got two betwings. But I don't know if you really want them now. I'm a bit annoyed. I'd rather have one and be like, yeah, alright. Do you want the two betwings? You've gone into the me. The trouble is, you know, I've said two quid. It means that I only did actually think it was worth one,

but I would have, you know, topped it up. Topped it up and given it some. But you get a point still for being 50p either way. So one-per-twins there. So it's two all. It's two each. Neck and neck going into the third item. Neck and neck, ironically, for the guitar neck.

Yes, yeah. On the nose ironically For the jaws Bit of Never mind That one was a piece of cake Sure When it comes to this game we wrote the book I fucking hate this

Right next is the cult book Yeah book came up Now this is where you both Overreached somewhat so Nathaniel said Five Nick said eight book. Now, this is where you both overreach somewhat. So, Nathaniel said five. Nick said eight. I wouldn't have said eight. I didn't say eight!

You said eight! I specifically said, if it said 7.95 on the back, you wouldn't be able to say eight. Did I say eight? No, you said five. I specifically said it, because it says 7.95 on the back, you wouldn't say eight. You fucking said eight. You probably said eight because it says £7.95 on the back. You wouldn't say eight. You fucking said eight.

Listen, you probably said eight because you pay four and then you give four to the dogs and whatever. I think I said five. Yeah. Well, guess what? You're both wrong because it was £2.50. No between there, guys. That's good.

So nothing there. That's good. So we can all move on from this really awkward moment. If it is a tie, I've got a tiebreaker. Oh, you do? Do you know what? You've come in, you've made the moment awkward, you've upset everyone, and then you've said,

let's move on from this really awkward moment. You should have just fucking apologised. You've done it. You've created this awkwardness. You can't fathom your own point scoring system. Fucking you listen back. If you're going to go pinballing around, I fucking listen back all the time.

And even if you cut it out, you're going to go to bed crying, mate, because you will hear me saying 7.95 on the back when they're not going to charge eight quid because people will be like going,

it's 7.95 and I'm not paying eight quid. So I said five quid. Fine. It doesn't matter because you're both fucking wrong. You can have that.

Okay. We've neither of us have got a point. I have. I've got a fucking axe to grind, mate. Do you have a soup book? Axe to grind mate axe to grind shut up Eli it was good actually

the trivial pursuit quiz book right Nathaniel said 150 Nick said 1 pound do you want to change your fucking opinion of what you said well it says 299 on the front cover I'm not going to go as high as that so are you going to stick with it or do you want to change your fucking opinion of what you said? Well, it says £2.99 on the front cover and I'm not going to go as high as that. You're not? So are you going to stick with it or do you want to make some

other amendments to your point now? I'm sticking with £1. It's worth 50p. Because it was £1 on the nose, so it's another two points for Twink. Another Bazinga. But it is also a point for Nathaniel as well, because he got £1.50. So that's three and four.

So it all comes down to this the bucket of doom game what did I say nine quid and he said ten quid yeah you said yeah nine ten

was this from a charity shop as well Paul yes it was this was from Mind in Camden I'll just say now Paul will never play

pays more than five for any game this is a fiver I'm going to say it's a fiver no you sure because you said ten I didn't I said nine I'm going to say it's a fiver. Are you sure? Because you said ten. I didn't. I said nine. I tell you what, do you want to revise your price? Do you know what? I said

nine. Did you? He said ten. I said nine. Yeah, we're going to give you both an opportunity. I tell you what, I've written down what have you written down in your fucking poster. In terms of the price? I wrote down nine and ten. Yeah. Oh, nine. He's ten. That's right. But I'm going to change it to five.

You're going to change it to five. What do you want to do? Nathaniel. Now, again, if you get this spot on, if you got this spot on, I could imagine that we could foresee you winning this quite easily. Three. Fuck off.

Don't make me come over there, Gannon. I'm a very lazy man. If you can come over there for me, I would appreciate it. Fucking get that grey coupon on my fucking chest. Right. So, what do you want to change your prices to, Nathaniel? Three. Three.

Three pounds. And what are you going to say? I suppose it's worth £1.50. You're going to say £1.50? No, I'm not going to say £1.50. I'll just say £1.50. What? You think I'm going to go in and pay 75p for something?

Everything else has been £1.50. Why would I roll with that? I'm going to say £5. You're going to say £5.50. You think I'm going to go in and pay 75p for something? Everything else has been £1.50. Why would I roll with that? I'm going to say £5. You're going to say £5. Right. I think it's four, though. It is four, isn't it? It's four.

The price is. It's four quid. I think four quid. Yeah. I'm sorry. But it's four quid. As it stands, the final points are Nathaniel with three, Nick with four. Four is enough to win, and you have won today's Price of Shite.

What's Price of Shite, then? This game that we just played. And that's the end of that. We start with Dougal Plantain. Start with Dougal Plantain. Where's Dougal gone now? Fuck me! I had him in me hand.

Well, I'll do the admin while you're doing that then. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to Cheap Show this week. If you want to help support us on Patreon, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give what you can, but only if you can. And you get access to videos and magazines and special podcasts and all sorts of behind the scenes stuff. Also our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. It's in the background. It's going to definitely

pick all this up. It's fine. We have our website thecheapshow.co.uk because every episode has pictures that accompany this episode with all the items

and the things that we've discovered. What else? Instagram, Facebook are all on there but on Twitter we're most active at thecheapshowpod.

I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is? Eli Snoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And wonderful. We'll be back next week. Nick and Nathaniel thank you very much for being on the show. Tell us where we can find you.

At TheNickHelm on Twitter and Instagram. And I'm at Nat Metcalf on Twitter. And I think I'm Nat Metcalf Comedy on Instagram, even though it's not that funny. And, of course, you have your Foo Bar radio show, which goes out when? Wednesday. Fridays. We record it on Wednesday. radio show which goes out when Wednesday Fridays we record it on

Wednesday yeah it goes out on Friday we think about it a lot on Thursday comes out on Friday and then it becomes a podcast over the weekend

it's a podcast as well it's a radio show live but we pre-record it and then it becomes a podcast but by the time that the audience

hears it we've moved on. Never look back. Can I do this with this now? Yeah, I don't know what this is, but go for it. This is a fridge magnet we picked up. This is what it was. It portrays a banana reading a book at a table. It's got sunglasses on.

It's got sunglasses and also what you'll see is a sort of typical Scottish style hat. I don't know what they're called. Tamashanta or something like that? Maybe. I don't know what you mean. Now, has it got the ginger hair stuck to it?

No. No. But it is that one of those kind of hats, isn't it? Yeah. A sort of stereotypical. Eli, I'll stop you there.

Do you want to know something interesting about me? Sure. I've got no magnetic surfaces In my flat Really Yeah I bought a load of magnets

And I've got nowhere To stick them What about your fridge Well I've got one place To stick them Up the person Who's Who means arse

What about the fridge Everyone's got a fridge No I've got a wooden fridge What It's obviously It's a regular fridge But it's got a wooden door Oh

I've never seen that. And they don't stick to the radiators. So if you were... I'm just pre-empting. If you were going to give that as a gift, don't give that to me. No, he's staying with me. What I need from you guys... Well, I could find someone that would have it. No, it's fine. He treasures this.

I'll keep holding him. Now, we want a name. What is his name name Paul came up with Dougal Plantain incorporating both the Scottishness and the bananeness that's quite nice

that's a really good idea I've got one which my friend came up with the other day which I think is the ultimate but I just wanted you any thoughts pop into your mind

what this gentleman's name could be he's a banana and he's Scottish McNana McNana I'll write that down. McNana, good.

Very simple. Paul. He's called Paul, Paul the Scottish Banana. Well, that's kind of an anti-comedy answer there. Nice left turn. My friend came up with Rabsy Nesquik. Oh, that's good. That is really good.

But why Nesquik? Well, you get banana milk. That's where it falls down, though, because Nesquik necessarily doesn't necessarily... Yeah. I know, it's not that great but it was just good word

play anyway so is that the big hitter we're ending this episode with Rabsy Ness quick alright in that

case join us next week for Cheap Show until then bye I don't get the Rabsy Ness quick you