CheapShow - Ep 248: Slapdash Safari

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

The 1st generation CheapShow characters have been blown up, stored in a bubble universe, discovered in a mysterious box, buried in a paranormal forest and then escaped from a puzzle packed suitcase... and now they are roaming South London! What's going on? This is meant to be a podcast about celebrating the treasure amongst the trash, not a lore heavy quasi-sitcom? Paul & Eli need answers and decide to go on a safari to hunt these characters down and get some answers! Using "an app" Paul has made to track them, they wander along a river and head to Beckenham Place Park. However, one quick drinking session later and it all goes out the window and descends into loud arguments, an impromptu Gannon's Golden Games, a pathetic snack taste test and a long climb up a small hill. But where are the characters? Only one has the answers, but will Paul & Eli like what they hear? Do they ever? Find out this week on Cheapshow. See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-248-slapdash-safari And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello? Wakey, wakey, Eli. Come on. Beautiful day. I've got some good news for you. What? So, you know all our characters escaped last week or a couple of weeks ago,

depending on when this goes out. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Well well i've got good news i've been working with top scientists from around the country and i've built an app for my phone called the character tracker um what great so i've figured out i don't understand well this is the thing with my app and my top science technology, I know where our characters are right now. Okay, and then what? We're going to track them, we're going to catch them, and we're going to figure out where they're going and what they're up to. Okay, well, where are they? Are they scattered? Where are they? They are in, guess where they are? South London. Really? Yeah, they're in a place at Bellingham, it says here. Oh, Bellingham. Yeah, where's that? Where's that? South London. Really? Yeah, they're in a place, Bellingham, it says here. Oh, Bellingham.

Yeah, where's that? Where's that? In the southeast. I've been spending some time there recently with my friend. Oh, your imaginary friend? No, a real friend. Yeah, what's his name?

Why don't I know him? And why is this the first I've heard? It's an author, Robin Lindsay. Check out his book. I'm not going to read his book. I'm just saying that for other people. All right, okay, fine. You might be listening to this private phone conversation.

No, I think the book's called My Only Friend. You having a moment? I am. Anyway, I thought... Oh, yeah, he lives down there. It's great. There's a beautiful river.

The Ravensbourne. That's where David Bowie... What, used to live? He grew up there, I believe. Did he? Yeah. Oh, so what? I think I... And there's a park, Beckenham Hill Park grew up there, I believe. Did he? Yeah. Oh, so what? I think I...

And there's a park, Beckenham Hill Park. Go there, great pizza. Oh, all right. I wonder whether the characters end up there. Well, we can only hope. I reckon we use this lovely day

as an excuse to go looking for our characters and see what we can find. Okay, then. Yes? All right, I'll see you in about three hours. No, two in Catford.

We'll go to Catford Station. Two hours. Two hours. Two hours. Two hours. Two hours. Two hours. Two hours. Two hours. It's going to take me two hours. It will take you less.

Two hours. Two hours and two minutes. Two hours. Goodbye. Two hours, one minute and 33 seconds. It's a deal. Right. I'll see you later.

Bye. Bye. I can't wait to go on a safari. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand Cheat Show

It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Eli, over here, mate. Eli! Hi.

Hiya, you here? I'm here. It's, right. Have you got the readout thing? No, I'm going to show you. How close are they? Well, I don't know how close they are. Well, you said they were here.

How close are they? I've met you here. Where is here? I've butted myself up. I've got slaps of... You've butted yourself up? I've got slappings of greasy Factor 50, because it's very hot today.

It's a very hot day. I didn't expect it to be hot today, but we're out today because we're going to search. Come to the Ravensbourne, where it crosses through Catford. Well, look, my scanner says some of our characters are in Catford right now and it's a bit vague. It can't tell you exactly to pinpoint where their location is but it does give me a vague idea of where they are.

So I thought we'd just go hunt them today. Well, it's all very well you saying that but what if we come across Jimmy Goon? Like, you know know I wouldn't fancy our chances like two of us against that guy he's huge and he gets all he gets all hit up Paul yeah he does he and he also gets what pretty erect in the downstairs department I can't remember what he used to say but he yeah he did um he had some kind of catchphrase or something didn't he I don't it's funny because now I just imagine imagine having a wrestle with Jimmy Goon

in a similar way that you had a wrestle with me in your dream. Maybe the Goon is Paul. The Goon is Paul! No, don't start saying that like Paul is dead, the Beatles, whatever the fuck. It's not that. The Goon is Paul, no. It's a beautiful day, I'm here. I want to locate the characters as much as you do, Paul.

It's terrible that the old universe characters have all escaped somehow through some kind of magic, which you probably haven't thought up yet. No, I haven't. And they're here. They're running around in south-east London on this glorious day, and let's see if we can track them down.

Think of it as a cheap show safari. We'll just observe, track, and, you know, pinpoint, and maybe get some more information if we can get one of them in our clutches. Well, you know, I was just thinking, in terms of Brandoff, he likes the pissy stuff, doesn't he? Like the pissy mattresses. Maybe we look in dark corners where people have urinated.

If we get a bleep from him... Have they got different colours on your readout on this monitor? No. Talk me through this. It's an app I made for my phone called Character Safari App 2.0. Oh, it's 2.0 with a lot of bugs with the first a lot of bugs for instance uh it would just locate random people and then i'd force them to be characters on cheap show wow and they hated that yeah i met this old lady i forced her to be lady plops did you yeah it was bad laxatives fed a laxative prison to her in her own home basically

kidnapping her and then abused her by poisoning her with laxatives is that what you're saying yeah and then i lady a real old lady a real old lady her name was ethel it's a good name for an old lady and she was like well what's going on where's my child where's my child and i was like just just eat the eat the sausage rolls because i put the drugs in the sausage rolls eat the sausage rolls yeah oh and then eventually she did shit her pants but at that point i'd lost interest and just gone i've lost interest already with this i tell you i tell you i left it tied to a chair in her house yeah in a pool of shit kind of uh psycho is that that's what we're meant to believe and i'm here i'm an adventurer in social character dynamics what other characters could be dangerous queef off has got a lot of powers he could corner you

and give you a queef of truth or something. And then I'd have to explain what was happening and he wouldn't like it because he'd know

that he's a fictional character that jumps from different fictional people to different fictional people when they take on the mantle of

Queef Huffer when the queef, the green queef comes down and bestows it on them. I tell you... No, I'm not working on that. I'm not interested in that one.

No, what I was going to say is... Is there anything to do whilst we're staking these characters out down here, Paul? Well, here's what I'm thinking. I think there's one character we should try and hunt down specifically. Because I think if anyone's going to know, it's going to be him. And we need to get hold of Tumpy. Because Tumpy knows all the ins and outs, all the wheeling and dealing. I think Tumpy's from this part of London originally, isn't he?

He is as well. It's why he's probably down this end of the world. He is, yeah. And the characters. They're up to something. Yeah, maybe Tumpy's somehow helping to house them. There's a lot of green space down here they could hide. They did seem quite small when they escaped from the box

because they had to fit into the box. They had to be very small to begin with, Paul. As we established last episode, they grew. I didn't see them get full height. I saw them, they were like little porcelain miniatures. No, they were. They were tiny, like a little mini Jimmy Biscuit. Like that.

Yeah, I've got to get it. Well, I hope I see him. UPS, look, he's taking a right. Did you see him indicating right? No, but he is. They do turn right, don't they? What a boring tangent. Right, so I've got the app out.

Now, what's that park on here that you said we should have a look for and investigate? What was that? Brookswood Park or something. Beckenham Hill Park hill park right let's head there it was a manor uh it was a posh manor and it only in the 20th century i think became a park it was a golf course but it's been recently been a park and it's got a swimming pond and the river ravensbourne which we're going to pick up here at Catford yeah goes there so we're gonna see how much of the Ravensbourne because I'll be

getting a lot of bleeps on the app yeah around the river perhaps they're drinking perhaps they need water to finish with their growth we just don't know I think it's important we set off now while there's sun in the sky and a cheer in our heart and we go for a cheap show Safari see what characters we can see along the way. I've got my visor on. I'm protected from the sun by huge, gloopy, oily little reservoirs glooping off my skin.

Why are you keen on telling the audience that right now you're like a butted sausage? You greased me up like a big, slappy sausage. All right, then. Right, well, I'm going to put this app on and we're going to trace it and see what we can find on the way. Alright here we go, bleep blue bleep. Let's begin our safari. Eli's having a fight with his phone.

We've begun our journey walking from Catford Station. We've gone under a bridge and it's very nice. Look, what's this? The birds of Waterlink Way. That must be where we are, Waterlink Way. It's a stretch of the Ravensbourne. We just had to cross, basically, the bridge, didn't we? To rejoin it at the back of a B bnh no it's a wix it's basically kind of a you know an industry park for outlets and you wouldn't expect somewhere so

beautiful like these bridges just just getting away in there would you pull around the back of catford hill motorco mot servicing and repairs but i won't read the phone number so yeah we were on the other side of that bridge before or Niffenpott and this is the river coming down and so I'm checking my my app it's my app it makes sounds that's the red bull that you just pounded

we both just pounded the red bull pounded it and he's got wings listen pounded it and he's got wings listen why are you always hurting yourself yeah I like the pain so all right so this is the beginning of our walk right look there's a little path Riverpool linear park that's where we're going joining the river pool linear park there's a little map do you want to take a picture of that so people can follow us along

oh we've opened across the bridge and we're into a lovely little space anyway i'm checking my app there's a few characters ahead but i can't pinpoint who they are right now so we'll just keep on walking but But this path goes along the river, mostly all the way to our park destination. So this path will take us largely along this lake, lake, river. We'll get as far as Lower Sydenham and then the park, Beckenham Hill Park Place, Hill Park, I think it's called. OK, and then from there...

The river flows to there, but we may have to join the um the streets right we may need to to get back on the streets there paul and uh and go on street level street level but now this is literally a linear park meaning it goes in a line along the uh where the river runs a linear line along the liver to la la land with lenny loo Lillian lying along the liver to La La Land with Lenny Lou. Liver? Is that part of your body that helps you get over your head? What is Liverpool? Liverpool.

Could they have livers there? No, it's a liver bird. What's a fucking liver bird? Well, I think it's a fictional fucking bird called the liver bird. And it's a bit... So, you know on the top of the building, the liver building, there's two huge birds? Right. It's a bit like the kind of crows of... It's like an American eagle or something.

I honestly don't know. I think it's a fictional bird. That's some kind of big fucking, I don't know, crane or something. It's that kind of, I don't know. Well, if it's fictional, why not have it having a dragon's tail or, you know, like a jabberwocky? The jabber, it'd be called jabberwocky pool. Jabberpool. Jabberpool.

I thought there was a dead rat in that river. No, there's not. It's going at speed, though, isn't it? It's very shallow here, yes. The bed is obviously concrete. This is what they've done to make it more nice for people. I think they've done these concrete bankings. Yeah, that makes it nice.

Nice concrete banking. Anyway, sorry, liver building. And they say that if the liver birds ever fell off the building, then Liverpool would fall into the Mersey. Ah, I see. A bit like, you know the Ravens, if they leave the Tower of London, then London becomes a shithole. Yeah.

Oh, look. There's a little brick structure. Very small. I wonder what that's for. Some kind of plumbing thing. This is what I live for. Now we can see. Environmental agency.

Gorging station. Gaugingging station gauging station what does that mean level and flow so there must be equipment there which helps plan for droughts and warn the local community about flooding which as we head towards the wobbly moon future and uh the uh it's too late to save the world environmental issues. I'm sure this building will come in very handy in the future. Oh, you're so sarky, mate. I'm sarky because all my love of life is gone. It's all gone because I've got personality. How? Personality.

Whoa, personality. Hey, personality. Did Lloyd Price write that tune? I couldn't tell you. Because he was famous for writing Lordy Miss Claudie, covered famously by Little Richard. Oh. He liked a lot of his songs like that, didn't he?

Lordy Miss Claudie and Good Golly Miss Molly and Cor Blimey O'Reilly or something. There was one called Cor Blimey O'Reilly, but that would have been good. Struth O'Bruce. Struth O'Bruce is terrible. Fucking Hell, Rachelachel bell something like that uh oh hell yeah it's helga

always leave it to eli to top it rabsi nesquik no don't we're not doing that so how long is this walk that about did you say 45 minutes yes and i'm checking that translate to uh probably about four miles i don't know no two no it's not that long what if you do you think i'm not well you walk slower anyway because you've got weird kind of crab legs that could jut out of the side listen i'm not going to help you find these characters i'm going to tell them to run further do it yeah i'm going to tell them to run further. Do it. Yeah.

I'm going to say to Jimmy Biscuits and go, Jimmy, why don't you impregnate me? What? I don't even want to follow that up. Paul, I think we've been walking a long time. Should I put this in a bin? Keep walking. There'll be another bin coming up. There better be.

So anyway, I've checked my app and there's someone nearby, but I can't quite... I can't quite... The cover is on the colour of that icon on the app. Wait. Who is that? Look. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Who is that character?

It's going off. It's beeping. Who is that? The character's very close. Paul, why? They seem to be in the room with us. We can't see them. They're in the ceiling!

There's no ceiling. We're outside, you fucking git. You could have said they're underneath us because we're on a bridge right now. Oh, maybe that's right. They're on a bridge below us. Let's have a little look. Hang on.

No, it's not a bridge. Oh, it's not a very good character. It's Alan Twat, but he's Generation 2, isn't he? No, it's not a bridge. Oh, it's not a very good character. Who is it? It's Alan Twat, but he's Generation 2, isn't he? No, he's just down there by the riverbank, Paul. He's just milling around doing local history, probably. Yeah, he's taking notes of the birds. And he's shaking his head and looking smug,

as if he's proved himself wrong with the fact he came up with. He's shit. He's a shit character. I hated him. Alan! Alan! No, he's not listening. Isn't he one of the myriad characters who just wants a blowy? Like, he wants to give you a blowy. Alan! All your characters.

Alan, do you want a blowy? Is he nodding to that? Do you want a blow... Oh, he's writing it down on his clipboard. He's writing something down. Oh, no, he's writing... He's writing it down on his clipboard. He's writing something down. He's holding it aloft. What's his sign saying? His handwriting is terrible. It's like a doctor's or something.

I can't really make it out. It's something about blowy, knob, jism, job, jobby, spoff, frothy. You really can't read his writing because it just says hello. Oh, does it? Okay. Alright, Alan, have you seen any other characters? He's running off. Didn't like that, does it? Yeah. Okay, right. All right, Alan, have you seen any other characters? He's running off.

Didn't like that, did he? What's wrong with him? He didn't like it. He's splashing all over. Oh, he's not one of our best characters anyway. Fuck him. He's one of your worst characters. I'm not owning anything about him.

He's one of our worst characters. I would give him a blowy and then he fucked off after knowing nothing about Twickenham. That's it. That's his whole character. You can't even remember his voice. Right, well, let's keep walking then, because that was useless. That was a pointless sojourn.

Oh, another little bridge. Look at this down here. Look at this lovely little bridge. That's the work they've done here. Yeah, it's cyclist this mount, and cyclist that mount. Look, you could bring your kids here and have a play in on the grime.

Hey, kids, let's go down to the concrete sidings by the bridge. That sounds like fun, doesn't it, kids? Let's all a play in the grime. Hey, kids, let's go down to the concrete sidings by the bridge. That sounds like fun, doesn't it, kids? Let's all go play on the fucking concrete. No. Here Comes Everybody is a close and remote project commissioned by the UP Projects as part of their secret garden project,

Lewisham Project Programme, working in partnership. I didn't even tell you what it is. Oh, Here Comes Everyone. It must be some kind of project called Here Comes Everyone, which is... Walkers, runners, commuters, polluters, cleaners. Why are the polluters welcome? Yeah, why are they welcome?

Well, everyone else is positive. Refiners, children. All comers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off the edge of the bridge. That's what I heard Alan Twat does down there when he's not doing local history.

Oh, is that what he was doing? He was coming into the... All comers. Anyone. Anyone come down the bank. Up above, down below, we've got your data. You're too slow. Yawn, telegraph, dawn, wireless, thought, transference, work in progress. Hush, caution, echoland, nearly there, plora bell.

What am I reading out? It's some kind of clues. Click, click in the rearview mirror. We exist now to record, automate, collaborate, measure, monitor. U-G-S-H-C-E-N-S-A-L-A-P. Humanized, disagreed. Click, click in the rearview mirror. We exist now to record, automate, collaborate, measure, monitor. U-G-S-H-C-E-N-S-A-L-A-P. Humanise, disagree, deviate, ignore. Gramsci, Goldman, Vicaro, Joyce.

We didn't start the fire. Oh, we're not actually on the River Ravenpool. This is a tributary called the River Pool, hence we're on the River Pool Walk. The River Pool Walk. No, the River Pool. The River Pool. Oh, hang on. River Pool Walk. The Liverpool Walk? No, The River Pool. The River Pool. Oh, hang on. A river... Oh, here's another plaque we hadn't seen.

Here comes everyone. A river walk story. Scan the QR code to the right to listen to the full story as an app. Fuck that. Fuck that. Come on, let's go smoke. Oh, but it's yippity-yip, yippity-yap, click-click, clickety-clack. The dog chases the train that takes you to work to earn the money to buy the house

that keeps you in the job you hate. Daily Mailie, all online, sodden with stories, crawling crime. Big bad data, hater, seeks release from a genuine Brazilian killer priest. What? It's poetry, obviously. And it has that feeling of slam poetry or, like, protest poetry, doesn't it? It's kind of satirical because they are saying about the Daily Mail there

and their telegraph they mentioned as well. Yeah. Julian, Dick, Anne and George and Timmy too. Yahoo, their eyes flicker. See, spelt like the app. Buffer my Pinterest to the Snapchat they Twitter. Well, I'm not impressed. Right, anyway.

Paul, I've just worked it out. We are actually at the confluence of the Ravensbourne and the River Pool here. You can see we're in a fork with two rivers joining into one just ahead of us. So the bridge that we were on just crosses the pool, the River Pool, and this is the actual main Ravensbourne. Yeah, which we're going to keep following around, I believe. I actually have to do some navigation. Why don't you reset and calibrate, and I'll check the app because uh there's one or two characters

strode oh look at that little white elk or something painting on the wall take a picture pictures of this walk will be on our website thecheapshow.co.uk we're not making a video of this episode because I can't be arsed this week sorry this is just an audio experience, but there'll be lots of lovely pictures, I promise you. Do I have to say something now? I'm taking a photo. All right, well, let's just take it, recalibrate,

and then we'll get back on. I can't even talk properly anymore, you know that? I can't, I'm stumbling over my words all the time, and it feels terrible. I feel terrible. Personality, oh, a personality. personality right you recalibrate and uh i'm gonna sit on that bench and we'll pick it up from there just a little yeah we've only just fucking started we're taking a break it's been a hard 10 minutes on a hot day

look at that what's that this is a signpost but it's in a very arty style. National Cycle Network, Catford, Lewisham, Becadup, Sydenham. It's quite nice, it's kind of almost like... It's made of tin or something. It's metal. Yeah, it's cast metal isn't it? Nice spot though. Nice spot. Shall we have a little smoke and a drink and then crack on?

Yes. Yeah, let's do that. Okay. Let's do that. Thank you. See you in a minute. Did you see that then? What? Did you see that? There was a lovely white doggy walking around with its owner,

and then it stopped and she walked on and then she turned around and she went, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And I looked over and the doggy was eating a massive pile of other dog crap. Literally, he was eating at it like it was a big bowl of pedigree chum. And I've never seen that before. I've never known. It's you. It's your, what I like to call you.

I make dogs eat shit. What I like to call your poodar, where you go blink, blink, blink, someone's shitting or farting. Even on a nice day, you draw dog shit to me. Anyway, I just found that unusual. I never knew dogs really did that. Do dogs eat shit? Oh, look at this rail bridge.

Oh, what a lovely rail bridge. Hang on, the path splits now, it's going that way. But what's up that? Oh, there's a park. The park's this way. I know. But what's up that? There's a park. The park's this way. I know, but what's that then? That's a little park, isn't it? Do you want to go in there?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know where to go. You want to look at this lovely bridge, don't you? No, we're just getting people's way, look. Take a photo of it. Anyway, I've been looking at my app, and it turns out that all the signals are scattering. Really? Oh, there's a conversation going on about the dog.

Look on the internet. Akpash, A-K-B-A-C. Right there. Akpash. Ship protection dog from Turkey photocopy alright how do you spell it? aka

did he say ship protection dog? come on we'll go look at this part is he trying to sell her a dog? I don't know but the dog in question everyone in case you didn't realise is the one that was chowing down on dog turd. Literally getting its dinner out of it. The dog was looking at me, Paul, and it was like, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, but look, that dog, right, you know for a fact that that dog, you don't want to have it lick you any time soon, because its tongue is slathered

with fucking excrement. Oh, I set myself off with that one. Oh, look at this lovely little space. And then a naked man at the other end. Why do we find naked men? Let's just go down by the riverbank. Let's go down the riverbank. Reorganise here. Yeah, because anyway...

There's been a lot of action with the dog-eating, shit-eating, shit-dog-shit-eating dog. The scat-scarfing dog. Listen to my fucking phone. I've turned off the notifications on CityMapper. If you're out there, CityMapper, make sure your fucking app doesn't nudge everything off and never shut up. I've changed my mind.

All right, let's move on. Fucking hell. All right, Dad. Turn this car around and go home. Anyway, I put the app on on but all the characters have scattered he won't shut up my phone won't shut up paul he's turned the notifications off on his phone but yet the phone oh i'll take a shot of you by the swing hang on this is very fucking steep and there's a ropes bridge i'm doing it it's very steep I'm holding on now oh look take a picture of me I'm holding a piece of wood

I'm holding a piece of wood Eli honest is that it now I'm gonna swing don't you'll fall on your ass Paul you Paul. You're going to fall on your arse. You watch me do it. No. Don't do that. Fucking hell. Hang on. I'll do it. Get off.

I'll do it. Let me have a go. You're recording. You're just jealous that I started this idea of having a swing. Right, here we go. He's off. He's swinging. Hey, look at him.

He's swinging and swinging together. Hang on, I'll take a picture of this. He's getting and swinging together. Hang on, I'll take a picture of this. Oh, he's getting some momentum up. Here we go, hang on. All right, here we go. Give us a smile. Here we go. You look so angelic.

Angelic. Oh, he's nearly fallen off there. I didn't nearly fall off. Now, do you want me to hold the stuff while you have a go? Alright you hold it. Be careful. You need to... Put that round your neck. Be careful.

Hold it by the bottom with us. It won't make as much noise. Be careful. Make sure you get both legs over Paul. I'm on. There he's on. Oh shit. He's there. He's done it. I don't like it. No. He's only...

Paul calm down. You're gonna come a cropper. Let go of me. Let go. He's only play acting. He's in control. Give me my toy back. Right, now.

Right. We're in the wrong place. This is just a little fucking hell. Ah, my hands hurt. What should I do? I don't know. Turn it off. Stick it up your arse. I don't care.

So this doesn't go anywhere, this little parklet. Or does it? Does it come out the bottom? Do you think it comes out the bottom? Because that lady just went down with her dog and she hasn't come back yet, so maybe there's a path out. Yes, but do we want to follow the path taken by the dog that eats other dogs' shit? Well, yeah, because it's just a dog beastly thing to do, isn't it?

It doesn't matter. It's a ship dog. I think that guy was trying to say that it was a dog that got shit. Well, we have to go this way anyway, because all the characters are scattered that way. I think, but let's look at it as a symbolic, sort of metaphorical symbol. What does the dog that eats the shit of other dogs, that's a bit like us, isn't it, Paul?

It's a bit like... Well, you're comparing the whole of the content of Cheap Show to a scat-scarfing pup. Well, all of our content is derivative, even all our characters, you know. This is not the time and place to have an existential crisis about our pod. It was fun on the swing fun wow it's fun fun and fun times uh down by the river pool here which i believe is a tributary of the ravensborne which we said we'd follow so we

should go that way weird parkland it is still by the river isn't it let me just check the map paul because we don't want to get lost check the map i think we can get out the end of that way we're basically heading in a general direction towards beckenham hill park yeah and as i keep trying to say and get out our characters have scattered i think alan twat put the sign up a signal to say we're on we're on the hunt so they've scattered that way what down towards lower sydney yeah okay so they're all scattering down that way. We've lost time because you have been too busy playing silly boogers on the swings. Now Paul, if we see any... And then by a really dodgy guy trying to sell dogs on a bike near a train station bridge. He wasn't trying to sell dogs, he was trying to say the dog that eats other dogs' shits was a type of dog that works on a Russian boat. I'd like to see the

facts that back that up. Oh look, it's it's gone See it's got a whole thing now Now we're back down by the river here There's a tent People are making a little holiday of it Oh what jollities It is quite nice this little path isn't it This is the linear park This is the best bit

Oh look someone's lost a bike Look The banks here are concrete But they're done in a nice almost sort of uh like an architectural way like a garden or something yeah i'm gonna take a picture shut up there we go that will do just some lovely little pictures of our journey on the way of which you'll see on our website as we all go on our safari cheap show character safari we're heading toward lower sydney there's some real abandoned leisure center action if you're up for it paul around there oh yes let's do that right let's move on

because we've got a little bit more walking ahead so uh signing off for now yeah i think so should we go over that bridge then should we go over the bridge well we're going this is where we go off-road. Are we going that way then, or are we going to follow the road that way? The main road? No, we're not going from the main road. We're crossing over into a little estate, and then it goes down by the side of the railway tracks down to Lower Sydenham.

Right, okay. Then we can rejoin the river and get to the park from there. It's nice in this tunnel. It's cool. We're literally under the railway track right now. Yeah, and it's got a nice kind of 1980s like early 90s kind of triangle What is it turquoise yellow pink? No, I know but I'm saying the style is invocative of a kind of Take a picture take a picture of me in the tunnel. It's not great because the light is, you're in shadow. I'll do it the other side then. Running away like a moonlight shadow. You want to get all the tunnel in though, don't you?

Yeah, just stand there. I'll get all the tunnel. Jesus. Oh, you want to get the shaft in? It's because you've got a shit camera. This is good. I bet I could take a better pic. Smile.

Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling.

Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, smiling. Hey, you want to get the shaft in? It's because you've got a shit camera. This is good. I bet I could take a better picture. Hey. Smiling. Smiling now. Hey. Hey.

I'm still smiling. Hey. Right. I'm going to take a picture of you now in a tunnel, and it will look good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Three, two, one one that's one more three two there we go job done right where squishy Jimmy must be close by What does it say on the app?

It just has two blobs. It's got two blobs, so it's got to be Squishy Jim, right? It's got to be. He's not... He's got to be Squishy Jim. Right there, look. She's made a nest. You think she's full size? I don't know. She is full size.

How do you know? What were her exact measurements? Six foot one. She was six one? That tall? I never saw her like that. Squishy Jim must be a giant then. Yeah, he is. He's a giant. How tall is... Giant never saw her like that. Squishy Jim must be a giant then. Yeah, he is.

He's a giant. Giant Del Henry. How tall is Squishy Jim? Seven foot. He's like Jaws. He's abnormally big, man. He's like Jaws from Octopussy and The Spy Who Loved Me. I guess you don't realise because he wears such baggy clothing.

Yeah, but look, they've made a nest, mate. She's made a nest out of her droppings, you can see. Where? Just there. She's standing in it. She's kicking dust to the side to make a little nest. Oh, she's stamping around like a mother hen. Oh, no, there's Squissey Jim.

Oh, there he is. He's brought something with him. He's brought, it looks like, more shit. Yeah, he's... Oh, I think him and the dog are in cahoots. He's eating the shit now. Is that what he's doing? Yes, that's what we're doing.

We're standing in a tunnel, Paul, pretending that a character we invented is eating shit like a dog you just saw. That's it. He's got a big pile of it in his hands and he's scoffing at it like Oliver when he says, please can I have some more? He eats all that shit.

There won't be any for Lady Plop to keep the nest going. Oh no, wait, look. Oh bless. He's regurgitating it into her mouth. Oh. He is. It must dry it out. When it comes out of her bum it must be like straw. Because it's very straw-like, the obvious turds that are interconnected in a weft and a weave to make that large human-sized nest of poo which Lady Plops has obviously built here Paul. Yes and it's beautiful he's he's pinched their nose

her neck is back and her mouth is open and he is regurgitating hot dog tods into her mouth to feed her. She makes a nest for the winter. Oh, I can't keep it together. If you say something like hot dog toast. Oh, look, they're nestling. Oh. No, it is nice to see some... Well, let's leave them to it, shall we?

I thought we were here to hunt them down, Paul. Yeah, but we can't hunt them. This has turned into an actual safari. We need to take some trophies home, yeah? What can we get? Bring me the head of Lady Plops. No, we can't take the head. We need to take a clump of her nest or something.

Yeah, that'd be good. Because it'd be interesting to see how dry it is. How much moisture's left in the fibres, in the weft, in the weave, Paul. In the strands. Right, well, let's go. In the interlaced strands of the web of Lady Plops' poo-poo nest. They're asleep, so why don't you go and grab some now? Just sneak over and grab some.

Yeah, you. Fuck off. You've got a lighter foot. I do, thank you. It's because of my training as an actor. Yeah, right. You have to be able to walk neutrally onto the stage, Paul. Like this.

No, I know. And I'm a heavy-footed bastard, so... Yeah, exactly. So don't go on about my weird crab walk earlier and then say I have skilled in my gait. I'm skilled. I'm going to hop over there deftly like a light flyer

and I'll tear asunder a strand of the poo web. Right, he's off. While everyone nearby looks at the man who shouts out the word poo web out loud. Oh, he's got it. That was quick. It's quite...

Moist. No, shut up. I try and say something and you're just like... Be faster. Be faster with your thoughts. Give me a go. All right. Of what?

Here we go. Oh, look, there's one of our characters. They're shitting or something. All right, great. No, I'm not going to bother them. Bleeding in their arse. All right, we'll leave Lady Plops and Squishy Jim to their nest. They look happy.

They look at peace. Let's not disturb them. Let's see what else we can find on this safari. I'm not happy with how the mission objective of this safari changes from one moment to the next with you. Well, I'm only following the app, mate, and we're lucky we came across them in the wild,

so hopefully we'll come across a few more, and ultimately one of them will be Tumpy and we'll get some fucking answers. Well, are we going to go in hard with tumpy we're going to thrust tumpy's button we're going to thrust his button what about the hot dog tods oh god don't mention them now paul in terms of our route today we've walked along the beautiful river pool uh linear path yeah park sorry linear park that was nice wasn't it yeah and now we've there is we're in the entrance here the railway tavern pub that serves my bat yeah and we're going to go across a main road here and keep going down towards sydney which is on the way

to beckenham park uh hill park oh yes i see it now look where are we? Catford we've gone where are we have we gone up or down which way are we heading? We are here we've gone away so it yeah right okay the map says yeah and that's the park there Beckenham Place Park. That's exciting it's a big park and all. But we so we're basically going to cut across go past Lower Sydenham on some lovely alleyways and we'll stay on the river and then we'll get up to Beckenham Hill, which is a rail station, and then the park is there. Yeah, the app now shows all the

characters spreading out across the park. They must know we're on to them. They're there already. They must know we're on to them. It's like the OK Corral. We've corralled them, Paul. We've commandeered them. They must know. Do you think they can smell us or something? I think it's like some kind of connection. It's almost like they know we're nearby,'re nearby though yeah but i think either alan twat put up the this you know the flares and said look out guys alan twat has no friends man no he's a horrible character horrible

character he spends all his time correcting wikipedia articles with with lies really yeah he's anti he's into anti-vax stuff. Oh, God. But not like vaccinations. He just hates the Hoovers. Mike, we'll see you later. Can you stop saying liminal? Mate. Everything's a liminal space.

If there was ever a liminal place, this landscape we're moving through right now, Paul, describe it to the lay people. It's a bunch of industry parks industrial parks all stuck together and it's full of weird ugly buildings and trucks and look there's a hose and it's just spraying water no one's looking after it no where we're heading to the park where all the characters seem to be um coagulating They flock to, they're not coagulating, that's what blood does in a wound. They're all getting together in the park. Yeah, I don't want to talk about that.

I want to explain why you think it's all liminal. You are misunderstanding liminal. This industrial park we're walking through right now, Paul, but the little stretch where we went through a housing estate and then by the side of the rail tracks into lois idnam station yeah that was good wasn't it no it was boring ass oh look book aid paul if you look to your right over there you can see crystal palace the radio antenna you can yeah similar to the one in the in north london the uh ali pali one yes but much bigger that's much bigger that's almost as high as the Eiffel Tower, that one. Yeah, but did Doctor Who fall off it twice?

No, that's why the Alley Pally one's better. A bit of North-South, North London, South London divide coming in with you. Are you a bit biased against South London? You know what? South London is weird in terms of London's history, and that's always seen as the other London, because anything north of the river tends to be London, but everything south, because it's so remote to get to,

it all overlands. Yes, and that is part of... It doesn't feel connected. And that is part of why I love coming down here and walking around looking at the infrastructure and the peripheral spaces, Paul, because it has a sort of exoticism for me. These places that, when I was growing up were there

close to where I was living but I would never see them do you see what I mean yeah that's why I like these sort of suburban weird areas and we are moving towards the park Paul and there's some we'll have some refreshments there Clarks of London what they do I don't know impulse fire insecurity it's all boring places full of boring things. Selling boring words. I hope we can get out of here. We'd better fucking out, otherwise I'm not going through all this fucking quote-unquote liminal space again.

Liminal means like a weird kind of non-space between areas. Yeah, that's what this is. A linking space that is either one or the other. And this is just a fucking industrial park. Okay, not this particular... Oh, fuck off. Look at the photos everywhere. Liminal is the space between your fucking brain and your mouth where a thought becomes absolute dog shit.

What? Okay, it's Angry Paul now. We're doing Angry Paul. It's the heat. I think the heat's getting to me. It's really fucking hot today, considering it's September. I'll show you liminal. Yeah, he showed me a nice liminal space. I mean, that would be liminal, the little rocks.

Yeah, I'll give you that. So there's he showed me a nice liminal space. I mean, that would be liminal, the little rocks. Yeah, I'll give you that. So there's little gems that pop out, little corners. Look, there's a little picnic table on a strange little strip of grass down there. That's kind of liminal. Just for the workers to enjoy a nice coffee or cigarette during their day. There must be a lot of bench crime around here. Crime. Bench crime.

Crime. Crime. See, there's Sportsfield. Bench field bench crime sorry i just like that oh anyway i just wanted to bring that up because it was doomy edding all you're talking about liminal space and i think you were being fast and loose with it and i wanted to bring your attention i think it does get overused but i do still love these kind of um these kind of spaces paul and i don't want to call them you Well, they're worlds within themselves, aren't they? People get up, they go to a train station miles outside of where their home is,

walk into an industry park with all the buildings that they were built in 1987. They all do. They've got that postmodern, terrible postmodern look, don't they? And, you know, they're all... I mean, don't get me wrong. Fine places to work, I'm sure,

but to me, they're haunting. This industrial estate seems to be going on forever. There is is a split cone let's take a picture of the split cone so our fucking wonderful listeners can look at your split cone oh a nice breeze there's a breezy like I'm feeling a Brit art gone it's gone right she just crack on with this walk again yeah Yeah, I'm doing some great shots. You can see them on the website, everybody. You will. Every bod. Every bod.

And, uh... Every bod. You can also follow me on Instagram. Fuck off. We're not following you on Instagram. Look at these. Oh, look at these globular tanks, Paul. Yes.

Warning. Haschem. Haschem. I don't know what that means. It means hazardous chemicals. Haschem. Oh, yeah, it does. Warning. Haschem. Haschem. I don't know what that means. It means hazardous chemicals. Haschem. Oh, yeah, it does. Yeah.

So... Did you used to think it was a German word, haschem? I thought it was like achdung baby or something, yeah. Look at these. I bet you could fall in one and become a supervillain like the Joker. Moldy old tanks. Moldy old tanks. Just a bunch of skips this

a bunch of skipmen there's some skipmen I bet they I bet they take an extra 50 quid to fly tip he says he says why does he say that

because I know they do you've all gone all daily telegraph or whatever oh look it's all very Gotham City kind of chemical works here admit it

this is quite cool yeah but I bet if they blow up they'd kill people for miles with the chemicals in the air we'd be gone Look, it's all very Gotham City kind of chemical works here. Admit it, this is quite cool. Yeah, but I bet if they blow up, they'd kill people for miles with the chemicals in the air. We'd be gone. Yeah, some kind of chemical plant for the listeners. Where I grew up on the Wirral, there's a place near Ellesmere Port which is chemical plants for miles, right? Like this? Yeah.

With the tanks, these lovely rotund tanks. You know like... Reminds me a bit, as well, the Quartermast, one of those films that ended up in a sort of chemical plant. But, like, my dad always said, if those chemical places ever blew up, the chemicals released could kill a lot of people in the nearby area. And that's still probably the case, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, look, we're heading into a little pack around the back now. Now, we're being forced to take this path. No, the path, there's two directions, but I said to the left. It's got to be to the left. And, look, it looks a bit more leafy. Oh, it, we're heading into a little pack around the back now. Now, we're being forced to take this path. No, the path, there's two directions, but I said to the left. It's got to be to the left. And look, it looks a bit more leafy. Oh, it's breezy. I can feel the corners of the shrouded path now that we've joined the river again, Paul.

What a magic moment. We've come out of the glaring industrial parkland, a little turn off, and we're in the fallow, the leafy fallow, the moist leafy fallow. Hello, I'm leafy fallow, the moist leafy fallow. Hello, I'm leafy fallow. I'll show you my pants. Here are my pants. Brooke's here as well.

I like Brooke. Come here, Brooke, I'm leafy fallow. Hello. Look at this, though. Look at the weird dichotomy of leafy pasture, chemical factory. That's what I love. That's kind of liminal. Liminal.

We're in the boundary between two types of plates. This spot we're here is literally liminal. The Cheap Show Liminal Safari, everyone. We're on it. We're on it. Don't you worry. We have the serious business of tracking down our characters. We can't just go home empty-handed.

What will happen if they escape into the wider world, Paul? I don't know. Well, they are in the wider world. I feel like parental. I feel like I need to, you know... Well, they are in the wider world. I feel like parental. I feel like I need to, you know... Well, they are. They're our responsibility. But I need to gather them

under my golden wingeth into the world. Oh, here we fucking go. Wings and shit. We'll come back to you in a bit. This is all for now. We've spoken enough about fucking liminal industrial parks.

It's a lovely day. It's a lovely day. It's a lovely day oh god as you join us on this hot september what day is it? 9th? Yeah. September 9th hot day as we walk towards the park. Yes. We had to go down a major main road. Broke the magic a little bit, don't you agree? Well, there was a nice underpass under the station. Yes.

There's a nice subway of dreams. And it is a very punishingly hot day for walking. And also, I think we are getting to the park now, and I think we're on the right track, because I see some of Lady Plop's droppings. So she's been here before. They've been squished in as well. Yeah, so they've been here.

Obviously, we've seen them nesting, so that's fine. There's a squishing done on that one. You can see the curling on the squish. You can almost see what the boot is that he was wearing at the time. Dr. Martin's boot. He should give them back ha ha ha ha uh so oh we're in here we are we're entering the park what's this park called again i fucking keep forgetting beckenham hill park all right here we go come on there's a map anyway it

looks like we're on the right track and we enter the park now oh and it's got a it's got it's very much got a uh hampstead heat field yes oh we should take a picture of ourselves in front of this beckoning park shut up this was a manor park and it was just all one person's manor so it is landscaped beautifully and there was also a golf course which does it's got you can see the golf course it reeks of golf course but now it's open to the public it has a swimming pool and it's got a lovely wool garden where I think we should set up our safari hut in the field and we can peer across the valley because it's on a valley

and we can see all the characters roaming up and down because I can see... I'm sure that is Teen Yeti with... It does look like Teen Yeti. Is he throwing shapes or something? He seems to be talking to some young people. And they're pulling his pants down. Oh.

They're smoking his winnets. Oh, God. They keep grabbing his winnets. They've forced him down and they're face deep into his arse cracks, huffing those winnets. They're burning winnets. I can smell that distinctive musky taste. That reminds me of the awards again.

We can't be downwind from that. Well, we need to round them up. He could get in trouble. No, we're not here to round them up. What about when he runs out of winnets and they're addicted to it? And they, what will they do? They'll force him to make winnets in some kind of underground winnet farm. And with that, he gave up on the improvisation,

just as I was getting interested. Oh, were you? Yeah. What would they do to him there? They'd have him on a big strap, a big rack, and then they'd cultivate winnets. No, no.

Taking parts of his poo. They'd have him on a giant... They'd have a big syringe and take his poo out and go, mmm, onto specially... You know what? I did, I was engaged with this improvisation at the start,

and now you've gone off the rails. Now, poor you. and I've lost interest. I was going to suggest putting him on some kind of crucifix and getting some twining machine to slowly pull the thread out of his bottom as it grows, making one yarn of winnet thread. No, but how would that work? It has to be attached to hairs. And poop.

For the weft of the winnet, the weave of the winnet, it has to be, do you see what I mean? It's like the steel within concrete. Oh, you know what? Within brutalist concrete. We've seen... Look, look, look. Let me talk for a bit.

Team Yeti, he's off. He's off? He's got... He's scampering away. He's a goth now? He could be, because he's... Some of those... Oh, let me talk.

All right, here you go. I'll let you talk. Winnet, weft, weave, weft, win it, win it, win it, weft, weave. I've got gold here, Paul. Win it, weft, weave, weft, weave, win it. That's all it is. Paul, look at the map. Now, let's get rational.

Where we are. Do you agree with the plan of us going to the Walled Garden, holding up there and observing how we're going to round all these characters up, yeah? Like in a hide when they go birdwatching. That's right, a safari hide. Yeah. So where are we on the map you are here you are here beckenham place park entrance and we want to go where this is the

walled garden here i'm just pointing to you right and that you can see across the whole park from there yeah you can you can see and then we can explore this area later it's a nice map don't you think it's like they've used photographs here aerial photographs photographs, and they also have little CG trees. Can we get a drinky-woo? That's where we can get the drink as well. They sell it there. Right, right, right. I'm on it.

So it says we've got woodland. We go up past the manor house. There's wet woodland. There's wet woodland. Wet woodland. Where can we find a wet woodland character? Who would be there, a wet woodland character? Uncle Grumbly.

Oh, yeah. If there's any public toilets, he'll be there fishing for food. Boney. Yeah. character uncle grumbly oh yeah if there's any public toilets he'll be there fishing for food bony uh yeah uncle grumbly's on a scouting trip for uh you know i'm surprised everything that with a teen yeti why for some branded stuff you know teen yeti's win it pie or something eat win it or smoke them he could he could open up his own pot i've heard he basically smokes a winner in a minute but he smokes no slow that's one of his lyrics so with there's a playground cottage garden this cottage there's a cottager's garden as well don't want to go there after so all right let's do it yeah stumps hill that's where i go yeah to where you and your stumpy handed friends can fucking go oh look at my stumpy hot palms stumpy palms yeah hello i'm stumpy palms you've got a go, oh, look at my stumpy palms. Stumpy palms?

Yeah. Hello, I'm stumpy palms. You've got a palm like a fucking big grizzly bear, just a big clump of fucking... Oh, Paul. Well, that's very nice of you to say, Paul. Yeah. Stump Seal.

There's a barbecue place there, a mounded hill with a swirl. We should go on top of that. Yes, it's a swirly mounded hill. Do you want to go there? But let's go here first. Yeah, no, we'll go there. I have a packed lunch. I need to... I need to get something to eat as well.? But let's go here first. I have a packed lunch. I need to get something

to eat as well. Well, let's do that then. Right. Teen Yeti, he seems to have gone off with his friends. They're all, there's loads of blobs on your app. Yeah, but that's fine. All the different colours. Teen Yeti, we can cross him off. He seems fine. It looks like he's a walking repository for drugs, but other than that,

we're good. We should take a picture of that map. Take a picture of that map before we go any further and i'll just stand here admiring the scene ladies and gentlemen boys and girls of all ages um we'll be back a little bit later on once we've had a few libations and a bite to eat but the safari's on we've checked a few off our list um let's see who else turns up shall we off our list. Let's see who else turns up shall we? Right so we've walked the circumference of the park, stopped off for a few drinks and maybe, maybe Paulie and Mr Silverman are a little... Don't put your fat leg up and you've knocked all the fucking booze onto the floor. Now look at that. Now you've got dusty booze.

I'll wipe it off. You cunt. Do you like mine? I don't like you standing there with your leg up and your socks rolled up to your fucking calves as you squidge on, nivy as sun onto your fat turkey legs. Fucking no, I don't like seeing it. I'm enjoying this week's episode, Paul.

Oh yeah. Mind yourself. I tripped over a log. Shall we have a little recap for the listeners we're pissed we're not pissed we had one I'm pissed

one bottle of porter yeah but wasn't it 28% porter no it was 6 6 that's still a lot for Mr Gannon I'm already feeling frisky and then you've got your

look at you working it look at you working you said you didn't like it you do like it don't you the wind's changed shut up oh he's put both legs on. Oh, you've got the booze on again.

I just cleaned that. Now we need to recap. Recap. We've climbed to a halfway point upon a hill where we think we can keep an eye out for our characters. Where are we at? What? What park are we in?

Hampstead Biggleworth Park. Beckenham Hill Park. Yeah. That's where we are. Beckenham Hill Park. Yeah. That's where we are. Beckenham Hill Park. And we're on a bench, which we found halfway up a thing, and we're going to make this a little place of operation where we have a drink or two and check out.

The sun's going down, but it's still warm today. It's still warm. My calves are roasting, which is why I had to get them buttered. Pound that cream. It's more like fucking smearing lard on fucking eggs. Eggs. Pull. Fucking lard on eggs. Pull, pull, pull. I needed to slap some of that cream on my hot buttered calf. Dirty boy. Dirty boy. See, you've made that a dusty top now And I don't want the beer being ruined by dusty soilings Don't spit on it either

What is your problem? No I don't I might have a Costa tissue How much did it cost her? Look I've got one That's like Marx Brothers level shit and you're just ignoring it. No, it's not Marx Brothers level shit. How much did it cost?

I'm sorry. You gormless shit. So we're just going to sit here and just wait things out and see if our characters... There's groin in the rim of this. You're just going to have to be careful when you pour it. You're going to have to be careful when you pour it. I'm going to have to be careful when you pour it. Have you got Carex? Can I have a squirt of Carex, please? To wipe on the bottle?

Yes, because I can wipe with this tissue you've given me. It cost a tissue. I've got to look in my bag of magic. Ask me how much it cost. No. My calves are baking like hams in this fucking weather. It's coming down. How much do you want of this?

I'm going to put it on there. Drip. I'll put a dripping of the Carex on. But that's... I better not make this drink taste like fucking hand wipes. Yeah, twat. So anyway, we're going to just get drunk, sit down and relax. I haven't seen any more characters.

I've seen as many characters. This is a character. I see characters everywhere. Do you? Look, that looks like... What's he called? Jimmy Wanker. You're not making any effort now, are you?

Jimmy Wanker. It's a good one. Don't you remember him? Episode 75. Steve, fuck off. No. In all seriousness, Paul, there is Precum John, Stroke. Wait, that's not Precum John.

Leaky Ken. What, over by that tree over there? That is one and... They're one and the same person. Did you know that? Yeah, no, we've... Leaky Ken. Have we discussed that before?

Yeah, we know it's a whole... Leaky Ken and Precum John, that's them. Dresses well, doesn't he? No. No, don't you think? What is he doing, though? They've got the leather patch on the denim.

It's like... What's he doing, though? Is he dabbing his penis on the tree bark? He's not doing anything with his penis, Paul, because that would be, like, just cheap,

and after a while, just so repetitive that someone would go... Oh, look, there's Jimmy Wanker. Yeah, right, I'm cheap. Just make an effort, mate. I'm getting a second wind on this. Come on.

I'll talk about pre-cum, John. Cut there. We'll just come back to this, everyone. Thanks for listening. Let me just keep checking. We'll keep... See, I don't think that's Cheeky John or whatever his name is. Pre-cum John.

Cheeky, cheeky... Stroke, leaky Ken. Cheek is. Pre-cum John. Cheeky, cheeky. Stroke, leaky Ken. Cheeky, pre-cum John. Stroke, leaky Ken. Does he? Shut up. I've got it. What are we starting with?

I'm on fire. Do we want more porter now? No, let's save the porter for last. Let's have a nice fresh IPA drink. I know the show's called Cheap Show but that cost a lot we've been walking what else were we going to do well we could buy

some more water we didn't fucking think of doing that did we right he's pouring it out right we're going to sit down and keep an eye out for characters

that aren't pre-cum John one of the tertiary characters in our franchise let's see if some big hitters come out you literally can't think of another character can you

you don't want to do cock-sucking vampire. He's a secondary character. I'm thinking big leads. You're Jimmy Biscuits. You're Uncle Grumblies. Look at the app. The app's broken, has it? Are you going to drop the app because it's broken, are you?

My phone's nearly dead and every time I run the app it drains the battery. I can turn it on for bursts. The last time I turned it on there was four or five people around. Four or five characters. Hopefully big hitters. And not all the shit Eli does. All those fucking characters.

Inchman, Queefuffer, all these fucking tertiary, sub-tertiary characters. The reason why I wanted rid of them was because they were vacuous void of noises. It's very hot here in the park, Paul. Let me offer you some emblazement. There's a bit of fluffles in the glass now. It's filthy. There's dustings in my beer. Well, I'm sorry.

Get this one down and then we'll move on to cleaner beer. All right, let's just sit down and keep an eye out for characters. Bear with us, we're on safari. Lying to myself. I fucking hated that song you were playing. Shut up. Come over here. It was like Sweep from the Sutty Show

singing a show tune with a 70s disco backup arrangement. I didn't like it. Come over here. Why? Because, Paul, it's time for a very sombre and serious Insert Crisp Report into this dreary podcast. Oh, the League of Snacks and Crisps. Or is this a Crisp Update? It's an Inserted Crisp Report report it's a crisp update and i'm the host

daniel crisp update and i'm here to introduce to you the crisp update what's the crisp update we're doing today um you need to introduce me as the crisp expert all right um with me as ever is a good friend of the show and a crisp expert. His name is Edmund Hotartus. Edmund Hotartus. Edmund, that's it. Right, okay. Hello, I'm Mr. Hotartus.

I have in my hand new tacky sticks flare. These are quite... Mostly eaten. I just want to point that out. They're mostly eaten. I saved some nice Huffingtons for you i saved the wifters edmund why have you brought these snacks along today oh yes i missed her tartus of course tartus tartus hot tartus cambridge college minstrel hotatus right right well this is all

wonderful stuff wonderful content Cambridge College hotatus I have in my hand a piece of paper these are tacky sticks flair

which I have tasted and again as I stated mostly eaten the bag of the flavour pour the flavour profile corn snack sticks chilli pepper and lime flavoured. Have a half on these.

Already I kind of think I know what I'm going to get here. Have a half on these. Oh, quite lemony, quite fresh. Now, I'd say the closest to the analogue for what these look like are those noodle, long noodle things that you get in Bombay Mix. He knew what I was going to say, everybody. yeah those thick noodles taste some of those here i go what do you think of those hmm they're all right i don't know let's uh join us again oh i almost tipped all the beer right over did this whole thing's tipping The whole bench. Touch your lumpy fuck. Fuck off.

I'm putting his belly now. Look how sweaty you are. It's a hot day. Yeah, but I'm not glistening like you. I want to fucking score for those fucking crisps or whatever. All right, I'm going to give it four out of five corners. That's not the score system we're fucking doing. Nothing has five corners except a pentagon.

Well, there you go. So I'm all right, aren't I? Four out of five corners. Legitimate. Legitimate. Turn the machine off. Legitimate. Ow. Legitimate, Mr. Sweet Steaks.

Hey. Shut up. Mr. Pork Glaze. Pork Glaze? Yeah, Mr. I'm poking him in the stomach. Mr. Fucking Rum Ham. Come on.

Rum Ham. Rum Ham. Now. Turn the machine off. Oh, now it's off now. We've done the crisp bit. Yes. I'm poking him in the stomach Mr fucking rum ham come on rum ham rum ham now turn the machine off oh now it's off now we've done the crisp bit yes that's the end of the crisp bit

that's Eli's contribution to this whole fucking episode is getting out a half eaten bag of crisps I planned the map I brought you to this place I initiated you into the wonder

which is the Ravensbourne that's not true my app told me where our characters were and in universe I'm therefore accurate, and you are a lying saucy... I'm sick of your universe.

My universe envelopes... Who's this old son of a cunt who eats shit or spoffs or glazes someone with their spoff? We call him Mr Glaze, and he does a mould in spoff, and he keeps them in a gallery. All different glazed people made of spunk. Dried membranes of skunk yeah you're right

I'll turn this off before I get any more embarrassed turn it off I'm going to keep an eye out for characters I want to keep an eye out for characters

I fucking dropped that hours ago mate come on alright got to keep the dream going it's leading into 250 I'll do a line now go on

oh the characters must be about somewhere thank you that's all it took Oh right. Got to keep the dream going. It's leading into 2.50. I'll do a line now. Go on. Oh, the characters must be about somewhere. Thank you. That's all it took. Eli, turn the music off. We've spotted no creatures, no measures of cheap show. We've not found any. So I thought to kill some time, to kill some time, we'll play a little game.

What are we going to do with it when we find some? We're going to shh. We're going to play a game first. What game? We're going to play a game. It's a Ganon's Golden Park game. Ganon's Golden Park. Go on. I'll do the insert music yeah do it today we are playing operation pet scan uh hang on i'm actually rolling around on the floor here paul in anticipation of this yes here we are we are in Middleton Bombay Park. This is hurting my body. Good. This is ridiculous. We're going to play a little mini Operation Pet Scan. Lying in the dirt,

looking at a shitty little toy and what? I'm expected to play this with you. For larks. I have my hurty, hurty ankles and hips. Hello, video. We're filming this bit because it's good content no it's facing that facing that way at the dog oh look at you monster so operations pet scan is a new version of operation but basically what you do is you use a magnet to drag little white food

stuff through a dog's intestinal tract and out its arsehole. That's the game. That's literally it. It's automatic. It's electronic. There's nothing that goes off. There's nothing that goes off. Yeah, it goes off. See?

It went off. Right, because you dropped it. Yeah, and it comes out of his guts. I'll give it a go. So, you've got four items. A teddy bear, a bone, a phone. Give me the wand. You have a little go.

Here we go. Right, you ready? Right. I have to get them all across to the arsehole, yeah? Yeah, Here we go. Right, you ready? Right. I have to get them all across to the arsehole, yeah? Yeah, weave it through the gut to the arsehole. Oh look, you can hear it. That's its innards.

Oh, it doesn't sound good. He's doing alright though, he's halfway there. Dragging the magnet. Oh, fuck! Oh, it's cooked, fella. Oh, this is shit. It's a defective one. You've got a defective one of these.

No, there's two more in there. Go on. Right, he's dragging a dog bone now through the guts of the dog. Oh, be careful. Because when the buzzer goes off, the magnet stops. That's why it drops. It's stuck. It's broken.

I have to get another go because it's broken. Mate, you're shit. All you've got to do is get one out of these four out. There's only three it's broken. I have to get another go because it's broken. Mate, you're shit. All you've got to do is get one out of these four out. There's only three. Hang on. There's only three. It's all broken. It's on a fucking hillock.

Where's the fourth one gone? I had a fourth one. You lost it. You've lost it already. This is incomplete. This game is incomplete. Don't break it. Where's it gone?

Don't break it, mate. There was a fourth one. It's gone. You've lost it. Don't break it mate. There was a fourth one, it's gone. You've lost it. Oh there it is. It's a small plastic white cell phone. Can you reset it please? No, it's fine where it is, leave it.

There we go, go. Right, he's got the teddy bear now, he's weaving it through the guts of the dog. Get on your knees, chub boy. Oh the dog sounds unhappy. Oh he's weaving it up to the top now. It's a little bit tight. It's a little bit tight. Come on. Pull the little teddy bear through. Oh you can do it. Come on. Oh it fell out. One more go. One more go. Two to get the cell phone out. The little white cell phone. Drag it through the doggie's guts. Here we go.

I don't have a purchase on it. That's because it's not flat on. I've got no good purchase. Shut up, you. All right. This is not our best video or episode of anything ever. I hate this dog. I'm going to lose here.

No, you've just got to have a bit of patience. I'm getting a donut. I'm going to get a doughnut here I can feel it it's not going through the guts Paul I'm getting a doughnut I feel a doughnut so he's coming around the other corner he's using the wand to drag the white plastic through the guts of the dog it's a little bit tight now in this part of the intestinal tract but Eli I believe you can do it come on you got it come on come on nearly there won't go up it won't go up fall you just got to be a bit patient drag it hard it only wants to go down now there we go it's you fished it through now over the top

you're getting there sweating like can I have my brow, please? This is really tense now. It's my last chance, and it's really awkward now. Oh, is that gone now? No. Oh, God. Oh, God, it's the wrong way in the tube, Paul. This is the greatest game I have ever played in my life. The tension, the stakes just ramp up when you're on the last one. I like it.

It's like one of those. Oh, I'm loving this now, Paul. I'm loving this. I'm halfway through, Paulul i'm loving this i'm halfway through paul i'm loving it oh i really want to get this phone home come on out the arsehole of this dog because um you know it's a tough bit is this the hardest bit or something it doesn't want it come on is it the wrong way in the tube you've got it jammed in the here we go he's dragged it out he's dragged it out he's got it it's coming the tube. Here we go. He's dragged it out. He's dragged it out.

He's got it. It's coming up now. Right through the last part. He's dragging it up to the dog's arse. Can he bring it out? Can we? Oh, yes. Mate.

I'm glad I scored one out of four. You'll go. All right, I'm gone. I'll hold the shit.'s that that was like speed three or something man all right hang on i'm gonna do it feed the dog bones in three where's the fourth time i should mention look how beautiful it look how beautiful the sun going down upon the crest of the hill right get out the way all right can i hold the stuff no it's just you here we go no i'll do it i'm fine i know what it sounds like you open the beer then here we go you go i'm gonna cheat then

if you're not looking great you're not gonna fucking cheat for one second here we go time for me to do it and dragging it through so you can hear the dog's innards. Dog. Oh. Now, I'll be honest, I've had a little bit of practice with this. Oh, you're such a hustler. It's not fucking totally the sting. This is not the hustler. They should remake the sting. Here we go.

I'm done with one. All right. Well done. Turn it down. You've eeked my score. Well done. No, we'll call it a draw. One score, well done. One more. One more. We'll call it a draw.

One more, isn't it? One each. One more, I want to get the doggy one out. Let's call it a draw. Did you hear the fart? It did. It did a fart when I pulled it out. It did when I pulled my one out as well. Here we go. Look at this with... Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, it's stuck in his guts. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, it's stuck in his guts. Feel the pain. That's irretrievably lodged. It is retrievably lodged. Hang on. It isn't. You didn't lose that time.

It is jammed in there, though. Look at that. Oh. You lost a bone. Right, I'll have another go there. Why not? We'll call it quits now, yeah? No. have another go we call it quits now yeah no i'll let you call it quits we can call it a draw now i want to do this one you can quit now call it a draw burp on your hand here we go through the tight one here we go through the tight one that's a good shape that's it all right that's one teddy bear we call it a draw now teddy bear i want the

draw now me it's teddy bear bastard mate i'll give. We call it a draw now. Fuck me. This teddy bear bastard. Listen, mate, I'll give you... It's coming through. That teddy bear. This teddy bear's coming through the dog's gut. You're going to get stuck up there. No, here we go. You're going fast and loose with the truth.

Here we go. Listen, here it comes out. Yay! Does that mean I won operation? Hey. That's good. I quite like that. What a lovely fun game that was, boys and girls. I'm sweating. I tell you what, Paul.

I've really needed, for just my own dignity, to get at least one home. Oh, shh, shh, shh. Look. Is that Brando? In the bushes over there. Is that Brando? He seems to have a desk. He's got a desk set up and everything. Why's he got a desk set up? So he can do business.

He's always been all about the business. Why's he doing business in the woods, though? Well, where else have they got to go? They have to keep doing what they naturally do in their, you know, original environment. So Randolph, you know, he... Oh, and who's that, then? Is someone coming up to him?

They're shaking hands. He's handed him loads of money. Is that... Is that Jimmy Biscuit? He looks like Jimmy Biscuit. No, no, it's... No, it can't be Jimmy. No, no, it's...

Jimmy and him would never do. It's Jimmy Goon. Oh, it is Jimmy Goon. Look, he's... They're both called Jimmy, aren't they? Yeah. They look similar from the behind as well. That's got to be Jimmy Goon

because they've worked together before. Brand off and goon. They go together like a plum and a moon, they used to say. He must be hard downstairs. Don't look at me! He must be hard downstairs. Don't look at me! So hang on, he's given him money, they're shaking hands,

and he's given them some car keys or something. I don't know what that is. Yeah, the Goon's going off to look after the security. That's all it is. It's Jimmy Goon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not Biscuits. It couldn't be Biscuits.

No, it can't be Biscuits. It can't be Biscuits. No, it can't be Biscuits. It can't be Biscuits working with Brand off. No. That couldn't be a thing. It's got to be the Goon. It is the Goon. It's the Goon.

Can we agree in universe it is? It's the Goon. Right. Oh, hang on. Oh, he's seen us. Can you get... No, he's seen us. Who's seen us?

Brand off, mate. Brand... Don't shout at him. Brand... Oh, no, he's seen us. Who's seen us? Brandoff, mate. Brand... Don't shout at him. Brand... Oh, no, he's packing his... desk up. He's put it into a suitcase. It's a very good desk.

Very foldy. It packs away into a suitcase. It's like Iron Man. It's a very foldy desk that Brandoff has here on this day in the park. Brandoff, mate. Brandoff... I don't know his first name. Richard, you twat. in the park. Brand off, mate. Brand off. I don't know his first name. Richard, you twat.

Dickie boy. Why are you calling him? He won't help us. We need Tumpy. This is Tumpy's neck of the woods. Where's Tumpy on your app? I don't know. I can't tell who's who.

All right? I can't tell who's who. What happened to Lady Plot? We were following her shit. Wait, wait, wait. There's a car pulling up. Brand off's getting inside, and they're off. Brandoff and the goon.

What's going on? Why is everyone here? They go together like... Shama-lama-ding-dong, bing-a-ling-bing-ba-dong. We stick together like... Chuff-a-nee-boff-a-doff. Chuff-a-nee-boff-a-doff. Hello, everybody.

Cheap shows, Eli Silverman. This has been a shit safari, and I'm Cheap Show's Eli Silverman. This has been a shit safari and I'm drunk. Have you played Operation? No, it was good, I like that bit you

were doing about the cactus. Oh, I should have picked this camera up and pointed at you. Hey look, Paul. There's a wasp. Paul, there's a

charity shop vampire. No, there's not. Oh mate. No, there's a fucking wasp going round my head. Paul, I hear something. What's that? Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch. Oh, mate. No, there's a fucking wasp going round my head. Paul, I hear something.

Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch. What's that? Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch. Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch. Oh, I'll stop recording that. It can't be important. Inch, inch, inch. The wasp is bothering me now.

I told you. It's buzzing right round my head. He's not going to drop this until he has his fill of blood. We have to get out of here. He's not... No, we don't. We've got to get out of here. Well, we have to find

Fucking where's the Thank God for that wasp Otherwise we'd have A complete inchman segment Ladies and gentlemen He's there So we dodged a bullet I can hear him

Inch inch inch Yeah he's up a tree inching He's up a tree inching Inch inch inch inch There's a dog rubbing its arse He's having a shit Is he eating his own shit No he's just having a shit

Oh he's really Fucking wasp The midges will come out In a second The midges will be out No, he's just having a shit. Oh, he's really... Fucking what? The midges will come out in a second. The midges will be out. Yeah, it's getting dark soon. We're going to have to leave. It's semi-feral landscape. It's on your beard.

Is it? Yeah. Is it still there? It's gone. It's at your legs. Oh, what is it doing? It must be attracted to your glazed ham thighs let's have some oh mate i can't record under these circumstances we'll be back in a bit Are they coming back? The parakeets are coming back.

Here they come, they're an invasive species are they yeah those are from those are parakeets descended from pets released in really

yes yeah cocky bastards how do they survive here they're super smart super smart well I like living in a think about a parrot a parrot can learn little language cues and stuff can't it How do they survive here? They're super smart. Super smart. Well, I like living in the... Think about a parrot.

A parrot can learn little language cues and stuff, can't it? It can say, I want food and stuff, can't it? True. I like living in the land of parakeets, though. No, I like it. They are a bit noisy, though. A bit squawky. A bit of an unpleasant noise.

You know, it's not like a... No. A nightingale, is it? I love the sound of birds. Do you is it? I love the sound of birds. Do you, Paul? I love the sound of birds. I love birds. I like birds.

I like birds. Not you, though. Fuck off, mate. Look at the sky. The sky's nice. The sky's nice. We've really done it today, haven't we? Overdone it.

What do you mean we can't get up here? We can. Oh, look, it's like a festival. I need to turn this down. Hang on. Testing, that's better. It is, as you say, like a festival. We're in this park and they're building an arena of sorts for

an event. It's like coming early. It's like being on the first day of a festival being set up. Yeah. Before everything's set up. So you're the staff. Let's pretend we work in the staff. Oh, what the fuck?

Where's all this fucking shit? I've got some great MDMA. Let's just do that for two days. Let's do MDMA and clean up pint glasses. I haven't even got a hangover. We don't know what hangovers are because we're so young. Nice beer here. Nice beer.

I hope there's no problems with how we're being employed now. It's unfair and shit. Yeah, there's minimum wage issues at hand. Right, so that was a great bit of satire from Eli. Oh, who are we? Who are we? Hang on. There's a bin.

And we'll have a little update, yeah? Yeah. We've had drinks. And it's hot.. There's a bin. And we'll have a little update, yeah? Yeah. We've had drinks. And it's hot. The sun's going down. This looks like a hangman's platform. Look how spooky that is. Look at that hangman's platform.

It is a hangman's platform. What is the point of that? Paul, I've got something to ask you. Yeah. Look, elastic bands snapped. I've got something to ask you. I'm about to throw the last of these tackies sticks don't want to flare away do you know it wouldn't do

shut your mouth they go in they go shut give me some mic time oh there's some people coming yeah calm it you want to climb those steps i'll take a picture i'll take a picture of you climbing the steps. Hang on, here we go. Gold. Pictures on our website. Right, here we go. Taking a picture of Mr Silverman. Here he goes. He climbs up the stairs.

Here we go. Climb. You can do it. Yeah, he's at the top. Is it high up there? Fuck you. Can you see for miles? And low. I did say, fuck you, Paul.

And low. Eli did climb five steps. Don't move. I want you to take a picture. I can't do it. I'm in danger here. I just want you to know that, Paul. You're in danger of what? Falling off this platform. Why? I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you, Iris Stu. You look pretty on those steps. You look like a Muppet from one of Jim Henson's whimsical adventures. That's Jim Henson news, Paul. There's no Jim Henson news. We're not a podcast of Jim Henson news, people. Well, I'm just saying I happen to have picked up on some Jim Henson news. Do you want to hear it or not?

Yeah. He's getting a blue plaque in Hampstead. Whereabouts? Where he lived. Whereabouts? Some place in Hampstead. They gave the address. I guess he would have lived here

when he was making the Muppet Show, yeah. Yeah, and it was the whole latter part of his career. The big part of it was done, yeah. He used British professionals. Did they record Dark Crystal in the UK? And all of that stuff. God, mate, it is like being at a festival yeah it's weird look I'll take a photo of you with that that's good isn't it

what would this yeah to do it so anyway I need your phone hang on here we go face recognition bleep blot bleep there you go and I am now posing for the camera nice shot yeah take it take it sexy do I need to pull in my gut no you just turn more face the camera I'm facing the camera now this is like it's a recreation when we did it end of the road festival it is it's got a kind of that feel isn't it you can see how they're all spreading up to be a little mini festival site. But you need to check the map because we're trying to find this mound. It's down that way but that's far away. We should go this way to the station.

We should head towards the station. I can't be arsed looking for characters no more. Now I just wanted you to say that. We're not going to the mound. We've seen a few. I've seen a mound. We've all seen a mound. La la la, la, walk up the mound. There's Jimmy Spunkmire.

Jimmy Spunkmire. Is this the way to the station? Do you know that? I don't know where this is going now. Oh, come on. My phone is off. I think it's this way. Can you look at your map function?

It's this way. Because we need to head back towards... It's been a lovely day, Paul, but I can't help but feel... Drunk and knackered and old and fat and greasy. But the story element today was a bit lacklustre, wasn't it? It was lacklustre, but I hope you feel that it was at least still heartfelt. Our whole character game has fallen off for you in the last year. I'm giving him the hug. Give me a minute.

No, it has. I feel shit about it. Why? Comedy's not at the same level it was like three months ago it's not for some reason it's not

mate you know what I just wanted to go for a sunny day walk with my best chum and podcast pal well you can always do that you know and I thought

as we head towards 250 and six years plus of podcast this is weird isn't it this is a weird if dare I say liminal,

before it's on the threshold of there being a festival. What is it? But the festival hasn't started. Look. A dose of nature. Forest dam. No, that's not it. That's obviously...

We're walking through a whole fucking festival set up where all the artists are going to stay and stuff. South-facing. It's another bar here, isn't it? Bar, another bar. It might be artists' bar. Why can't we perform here? Because we haven't heard about it.

And no one wants us. Do you think it's one of those festivals, though, where it's a bit crusty? It's like, on stage now, the grumbly wumbles with their folk 70s hit. Who knows? I haven't been to a festival before. There's another little stage there, look. When was the last time you went to a festival? Fuck knows.

Maybe when we did Gigatorium at the Latitude. Isn't that a lovely little stage? Wouldn't you like that to be a good one? It would be a good one for Cheap Show, that. And that is very End of the Road style. Yeah. Scaling. Funny, it's weird.

The comedy one at End of the Road was like that, wasn't it? Yeah, it was like that. Aw, it's good, this. Is it a port-a-loos? Are you liking this? No, you know what? When we did Latitude as a Geekatorium, that was the last time we did a festival.

And that was at the very beginning of Cheap Show's beginnings, because it's one of our earliest episodes. Yeah, the long, hot, wet Latitude summer, or whatever that episode's called. Oh, there's people swimming in a lake. I told you. Yeah, we're heading in the right direction. There's all sorts going on.

I didn't know there was a festival park. I guess it makes sense, though. Oh, God. I bet the people who live though. It's massive, isn't it? I bet the people who live around here are furious because there's all these posh houses on the way in. I bet they're going to say, oh, it's not nice, is it? Well, they've agreed to it.

Yeah, they have agreed to it. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, it's all happening. Exciting, this. We'll be here performing Cheap Show Live next year, whenever this festival is, whenever they have it. Will we? No, I don't think they'll have us.

Me and you fucking shouting Chodney Sparoff. Can you smell the pond? Yeah. I haven't. Give me one example where I've actually said Chodney Sparoff, OK? Just then, when you said Chodney Sparoff. Yes, that was one example. I'm sure there are others.

More than one. Google whack. Whack, I whack your Googles. Do you want to remember that? Skate park, BMX track, moulded garden, mounded garden, lake, playground. That's the mound of garden. That is the mound of yore. That's the mound.

Do you want to go there? We're on the way. Shall we do it? Yeah. Let's fucking do it. I want to go in your truck. I want to go in your general electric truck. Look, it's wicked, that little Jeep thing. The gardening Jeep. Look at fucking do it. I want to go in your truck. I want to go in your general electric truck. Look, it's wicked, that little Jeep thing.

I want one. The gardening Jeep. Look at the gardening Jeep. I want one. It looks like a transformer. Yeah, it's a transformer, like jazz. That's some high-tech gardening Jeep transformer shit. Hey, mate, there's a festival going on,

and there's a swimming pool area. He's a star. How many drownings do you think they're going to be during the festival? They won't let them in. Oh, maybe not. They won't let them in. Oh, maybe not. Didn't like six people drown at Woodstock? Yeah, something like that, I don't know. What's all this

shouting about? At least we're not having a pedo incident. Shut up! Fucking cunts. You're such a weird, grumpy old twat. It's young people enjoying a frolic. I don't like it. And you shouldn't either.

I enjoy this. We're in middle age now, mate. So what? I'm walking in the park, you know, making a podcast. I'm feeling good. You should too. I do feel good.

And inebriated. The mound. Can we go to the mound? Let's not. I do feel good and inebriated. The mound. Can we go to the mound? Let's not. Let's fuck the mound off. Come on. All right, we should fuck the mound off.

We'll do the mound bit when we get to the station. Just pretend. We don't know fucking nothing, do we? And then we'll see, we'll do the whole thing with Tumpy.

We'll do the Tumpy thing there and then we'll wrap this up and then we can go home. We don't actually have to be on the mound. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it adds flavour.

I'll just do a bit where I go, ooh, look, it's a mound going round and whatever. Look it up on fucking internet. Fuck it off. Calm your boots. Calm them. We're getting pursued by the transformer.

It's coming after us. Oh, no. Shitting dick, Fox. Get out of the way. No, it's coming for you there, mate. Watch out. I'm out of the way. It's taking the path.

Oh, it's not. It's going a different way. You get out of here. You get out of here. I could teach you. Come on. We still need to transverse. I don't know where we are now in the park. We need to transverse to green space. I'm going to look at my map.

Face activate. Face activate. Oh, we're here. I'm going to look at my map. Face activate. Face activate. Oh, we're here. We've actually made quite a lot of ground. And then there's Beckenhill Station. The mound is just there. It's all that way then. Let's go that way then.

No, the station's that way. Yeah, well, let's go that way. That's the point. Are we going to the mound after all? Yes, for realsies. This has been one of the most arduous days that we've done, Paul. Give you arduous. Wasn't it arduous getting down here?

Can we stop this section? I'm going to be at this point in editing now where I've given up mentally, so let's make these bits shorter. It's a nice ambience. You can smell the barbecue. I can smell the smoky coals. I saw some people with their dogs facing off with their dogs here once what do you mean like my dog will have your dog and almost letting them go sort of thing

at each other dogs were aggro people are fucking wretched cunts right let's look for the big what's here the station's just down there and at night when you let the sun go down you can see the trains coming in beckingham Hill Station there. You know what I mean? Atmospheric. Very nice. Right, I'm going to stop this now, because I am tired of your shit.

Shut up. Oh, we found the mound. Take a picture of it from here. You take a picture of me. I can't, because it's a fucking... Because you're a fucking useless, stupid, bell-end, wobbly, gobshite, useless twat. I've taken plenty of photos, my friend. There you go.

Take a picture of me in front of the mound. Our final destination on this week's edition of Cheap Show. We're at a fucking mounded garden. Take a picture. I'm climbing it. Dropping a dog Todd are you filming it or taking a picture stop taking pictures

right I'm climbing the mound oh god we went the steepest way Eli we went the steepest way, Eli. We went the steepest way. I shouldn't have done this after four drinks. We're at the summit.

Here we are. Fuck me. There's no need for any of that. It's good though, isn't it's bracing this is the it's the end of our safari looking you see for yards you can see now all the way down there all the way down there there's big big old trees around there around this mound don't move away from me because you're too loud i'm moving it away too loud no but i'll move it away you don't need to get close to it i just want you to sum up where we are with the story of this episode

we're fat and old and drunk and we've plowed up a hill that's it that's the meta universe i haven't met her hardly know her i'm gonna push you down the hill for a laugh for you failing hey oh so listen don't even that's how we're gonna end this don't mess with me if i broke my neck you'd be sad immediately sad so don't even mess around would i get a train train coming train going yeah well done you see the trains from up here paul yes people like that where's that going then? Into London. Sunbury. No, that's going into London. It's not, is it?

Yeah. I thought into London was that way. No, it's that way. I've lost all track of time. There's a molehole on the top of the town. There's a hole on the top of the mole. There's a molehole along the top of the mountain. It's not a molehole.

It's a molehole. You're getting aggressive and I'm going to fucking slap you down. There's a molehole on the top of the moon. Right. So how do we end this now? Oh, I know. Look, I've seen... What's his name?

We'll do it now properly. Shut up. Shut up. Right, we're at the top of the hill. Oh, who's that? Minding his own business. I beg, and one more take on that with a bit more conviction. All right.

Don't be pretending. You've actually just seen someone, OK? Psst, Eli. What? Eli over there. Is that Tumpy? Tumpy's just down there. I told you. I saw his cap earlier. I told you. Earlier. I've seen him. Yes, that is Tumpy. We should get him. Just, you go round that way.

I'll give him a shout one sec. How are you going to say? Say, like, I want dongers. Yes, that is Tumpy. We should get him. Just, you go round that way. I'll give him a shout one sec. What, how are you going to say? Say, like, I want dongers. Say something like that. I, I, I, I need a donger. Oh, I've got 50, 50 snifter here waiting for a donger. Something like that. I'll give him a shout then.

Something like that. Cock me. Tumpy, mate. Tumpy, mate. I got, I need some dongers. Dongers? What? what? come here

donkey Eli grab him you fucking villain right you tell us now right you fucking admit the truth what's been going on

where are you guys all going why have you run away from the podcast what's going on by some mechanism we escaped from the box which was holding holding us magically

mate do you want to take a look at the take on that, please? Because that fucking character's shit. All right. Come here, Tumpy. I won't. I will never tell you.

I'll never tell you. No, it's too much. What do you tell us? What's going on? Why have all our characters run away? Well, just tell me you'll buy, in the future, dongers from my store. As a kind of guarantee, and I will tell you. I will put an order right now for 12 dongers. Big dongers? A future dongers from my store as a kind of guarantee and I will tell you. I will put an order

right now for 12 dongers. Big dongers? A dozen dongers. I will have a dozen dongers from your denizen. I'll tell you what, I'm out of breath. You chasing me down

on that hill, you and that Eli, fuck me. Right, I'll tell you what, how many dongers am I putting down you for? 12 dongers,

a dozen dongers. A dozen dongers? A dozen dongers from your denizen. I'll tell you what, I'm talking to you. Yeah? No,

fuck your cars are awful. Right. You have to remind, yeah? Yeah. No, fuck, your cows are awful. Right. You have to remind yourself who they are. No, that's who I am. I just say that. People say that all the time about me. Yeah, go on. They do.

Yeah, because I often go, yeah, I'm Paul Gannon. Hello. I say, all right, okay. Shut up! Eli, what do you think about all this? I think you should let Tumpy speak, actually, Paul. Yeah? You don't interject on your own behalf? No, I think you should let Tumpy speak, actually, Paul. Yeah? You don't interject on your own behalf?

No, I think Tumpy's doing fine. You just need to let Tumpy... Give Tumpy some fucking space. All right, I give... Tumpy, come here. Tumpy, come here. Yeah. Yeah.

What? What? What? So, mate, just why aren't you coming back to the podcast, though? Yeah, the thing is, Marnie on the other side, another governor, there's another governor who stepped in, you know, in the box with us could have been yeah one of those guys old school guys paying us now right we've got what i'm trying to say without any beating about

the bush just pull the string long story short all of that yeah round and round the roses like shut up shut up i haven't said a word what's happening is we've got a new employer, right? Yeah. And he's just putting us on missions, you know, come round Bellingham Hill Park, Beckoning Mill Park, wherever the fuck the place is called. I don't know what it is, really. You've all got a new job.

Where are you working? Oh, we'll never reveal that to you. Tumpy's got dignity. Tumpy has morals. If one thing Tumpy has, it's morals. Eli, come here a minute, because we're not getting anything out of Tumpy. What's the problem, Paul?

He's not telling us anything. I'll never tell you shit. Hey, throw me down the mound. I like it. Oh, that wasn't in the plan, but all right. You're going to throw him down the mound? No. What are we doing?

The point is, at this point, we're going to talk, and while we're talking about some boring, asinine shit, he's going to run away and act the joke and we won't get the information until 2.50. Well, what do you think? Do you think he's telling the truth?ine shit he's going to run away and that's the joke we won't get the information until 2 50. well what do you think do you think he's telling oh he's gone oh he's away yeah he's gone he's run off down the mound he was always going to kind of get get away wasn't he yeah oh he's wiry like a fox with his tail ited tail his weft in the tail of the fox and the weave of its hair

so you know ultimately I think we can safely assume that this episode has been a safari failure well

you didn't do you're going to put some like I'm doing fucking nothing yeah I'm going to put some drums on drum jungle drum

the whole thing's really problematic in terms of like imperialist past of the west yeah alright well then I won't do that then I'll put some

Indiana Jonesy type stuff on alright is that better that's still very problematic anyway what time is it Eli I don't know

you're charging my phone mate you're charging your phone with my charger it is almost 8 o'clock I think that's

time for us to give up on this safari on probably the last hot day of the year. Was it hot? It was fucking hot. It was fucking hot. You looked like something that should be in the oven on Christmas Day.

I'm like a shrimp. My calves are boiled hams. It's like I could slap some grease on it. Get a big slab. Oh, shut up. I'm bored of this now. Put a big slab of grease on. You know.

I'm bored of all of this now. No, you know though, don't you? You know. Put a big slab of grease on. I'm bored of all of this now. No, you know though, don't you? You know. Put a big slab of grease on. Inch and a half. Love it. Blam! On that ham.

Roast the ham under the bench. Right, well, I'm just going to go away. I'm just leaving. I'm just going to leave. Let's stop then. No, I'm just going to leave. The ending is me walking casually down a hill. Are you going to fall over down there?

I won't fall over. I will be completely fine. Oh, are you? Oh, I'm fine. That's us running our way from down the hill. And that's this week's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If not, I can only apologise and we'll try better next week.

Twitter things. Yes. You can support us on Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show if you'd like to support us. But only give if you can. That would be lovely. What else? The website will have pictures, maybe a few videos of stuff we've done.

Only little clips on thecheapshow.co.uk. Coming round in now again. Facebook and Instagram. You can find us by looking for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod. And finally, on Twitter, where we're most chatty, you can find us at thecheapshowpod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show and eli is eli snoyd e l i s n o i d thank you thank you very much and that's been cheap show 248 we're two away from 250 what pounding those episodes up shut up now i've had enough of you shut you shut up can i say something at the end of this episode

you want to say something nice yeah you're going to say something nice you're going to say something nonsensical i'll say something nice you say something nice go thanks for listening everyone and thanks for giving me this opportunity to work paul i really appreciate all the work you put into this podcast thank you thanks everyone i love you guys thanks and on that disingenuous note i am going to say goodbye to you too it's getting dark here now it been a hot day. And we're saying goodbye as the sun sets and darkness shrouds our safari. Eli's lighting up a jazz cigarette. And what good chums we are. See you next time on Cheap Show, everyone.

Bye-bye. Say bye-bye, Eli. Goodbye, everybody, from Eli. Goodbye everybody from Eli. Shut up! That's not, we're not going out. We are, we are going out on that. Do you reckon you're gut's up you prick. Let's get out of here mate. Do you know where the station is?

Yeah. you