CheapShow - Ep 249: Game of Strife

Starting point is 00:00:00 I'm going to leave the door open because there's no breeze coming through. This is the cold open. No, well, it is now, maybe, yeah. You're going to leave the door open. It's boiling in here. It is boiling in here. In the Tudor House of Pickles. Have we got official name for this place yet?

Starting point is 00:00:11 The Tudor House of... The Tudor Pub Corridor. It's got that sense of there could be a bike hanging from the wall in this place if they wanted it. I don't understand the relevance of the bike. I don't really want this to be the cold open, so can we move on? Are we going to introduce our guest? No, after the bit. We always do it after. Why?

Starting point is 00:00:25 They sit here awkwardly, go and it just makes me uncomfortable. Well, it only makes it uncomfortable now that you've brought it up. Cringe. Great. Cringe means politically incorrect, doesn't it? You know what? I should have started. I should have started by saying what we're going to do for our cold open.

Starting point is 00:00:42 It used to mean embarrassed. See, now it's awkward because we've gone on too long and Tom is now just sitting there. It's awkward. Is it cringe, though? It's not cringe. Why are you moving around the microphone? It was perfectly fine. I'm moving.

Starting point is 00:00:51 Right. Okay. Great start. Tom, hello. Welcome to the podcast. You're now before the credit sequence, which is highly unorthodox. Right. Okay.

Starting point is 00:00:58 I mean, do I get paid extra for this? Shit, we didn't talk about that. Yeah. Well, you get double. Take it from me. I run the finances here. You fucking don't. I'm going to just check.

Starting point is 00:01:08 How much did it pour for me again? 700 quid. I thought it was that. So double that. And I'll tell you what. I don't get 700 quid for fucking doing this pod. No, I shouldn't say that. No one makes 700 quid from this pod.

Starting point is 00:01:22 Well, no, it's doubled. It's, you know, 1,400 quid. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's 1,400. And you get it cash. I've got it here. Yeah. Well, no, it's doubled. It's, you know, £1,400. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's £1,400. And you get it cash. I've got it here. Yeah. I'm patting it.

Starting point is 00:01:31 No, you're not a game show host. It's there. That's all you can play for. Be a good guest. Tom, do you want to gamble that money for the secret prize at the end of the show? Yes, always.

Starting point is 00:01:40 Oh, fuck. What have I done? Jesus. The secret prize is nothing. The secret prize is nothing, but he will make sure he wins the secret prize. And then he doesn't get the 700 quid that you don't have in your pocket.

Starting point is 00:01:49 Yes, I know. You know what, that's enough for the opening cold open. Oh, don't fucking play the stupid fucking credits. What do you mean? I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go Jolly! People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:02:19 Off-ramp, ramp, ramp, off-ramp, ramp, ramp. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show,

Starting point is 00:02:52 the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain bins of charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain and beyond to bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. Hello, Eli. Hello, Paul. And hello, Tom Mayhew, comedian and entrepreneur. Is he an entrepreneur? I don't know. I think he'd object to that. Especially in terms of the sort of politics thing. Entrepreneur is a... Entrepreneur. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:03:12 That's what I am. That's what I am. Entrepreneur. I'm very good at it, you know. I've got literal cheap shit to sell you if you want to. That's not a bad idea. I'm an entrepreneur. I sell shit.

Starting point is 00:03:23 I make my own shit. Yeah. Yeah. I go around collecting shit and then i make manure with it yeah you get much money for it fuck all money but you're an ultra i saw a dating app the other day someone had put on their profile as part of one of their attributes or whatever serial entrepreneur wait that means you that you're a constant failure constantly failing to be a business person. Yeah, or something. You know what I mean? As if it's like, I hate that. It's like, oh, I just do this and I get super rich off that.

Starting point is 00:03:50 Then I do something else and get super rich off that. Yeah, I invest in Bitcoin. You know what I mean? And then I move on to Squatch. Squatch dollar. Squatch dollar? It's my new cheap show cryptocurrency. Squatch dollar.

Starting point is 00:04:00 Hold on. Can we go back to you selling your shit, Eli? I mean, how much would you sell it for? Because there's definitely some weird cheap show fans who would love to buy your shit true are you interested in buying weird yes they fucking are i've seen your reddit page i don't look there i don't don't do it i don't go to the reddit page no more paul's not putting any effort in says the person who doesn't know i've just sank 70 odd hours of my week into making the christ Christmas special episode

Starting point is 00:04:26 really important and special and full of marvellous characters and special effects, but now apparently I'm not putting the effort in. Paul, talking of special episodes, 250's coming up. What have we got planned for that? That was very well done. Thank you. Surprisingly well done. I've got nothing planned for 250. I haven't had the time.

Starting point is 00:04:42 We've had the walkabout, we had the safari. We did the digitiser live. It was my birthday. I've also got the book that I'm trying to bloody write and never get round to finding the time to do. I haven't got 250 sorted. I just thought we'd just do a regular episode

Starting point is 00:04:57 and bang it up as well. Sorry, I don't have anything planned. Don't know why you have to be so defensive. I tell you what, we could do the noodles. Do you have anything planned for 250, you lazy fuck? I was just about to fucking say. I could do the noodle special. Oh, finally for 250. I'd just get a bunch of noodles, deck of noodles,

Starting point is 00:05:13 whap them out, whip, whap, whop, noodle, noodle, noodle. Whip, whap, whop, whip. Whip, whap, whop. That's the noodle. That's me dealing noodles to you, hardcore. No, it sounds more like An offensively racist Chinese magician's Catchphrase

Starting point is 00:05:26 Oh here we go I've got the evidence I've got tales From the dance floor Yeah have you That segway Wasn't as good As the last one

Starting point is 00:05:33 But I'll let it ride Alright thank you Tales From the dance floor Now this is a bit of a trend People coming Right at the end Up to me

Starting point is 00:05:42 Right at the end Right at the end Obviously the end of the night Why do they think at the end. Obviously the end of the night. Why do they come at the end of the night? So they can, I don't know. Make a request. Yeah. And this young lady.

Starting point is 00:05:50 It's always a lady. It's not always a lady. Eli's got problems with women. I told you about that posh boy. Have I done that posh boy? Yes, you have done the posh boy story. Oh, Barbados. Girlfriend's in Barbados, actually.

Starting point is 00:06:00 Yeah. I've got a girlfriend in Canada, actually. Can you just play it over your phone? Because they're like the best Scottish folk you've ever heard. Oh, Jesus Christ. Who were the Scottish folk? Who were they? I can't recall.

Starting point is 00:06:13 It was like Sikrin or something like that. It was a one word begin with S. Oh, I don't want to know, actually. I don't care. I don't care. Do you care? Do you care for Scottish folk? Not really.

Starting point is 00:06:22 You know what? Actually, going back, the thing I did miss, and I should pick up on now, is you said you were looking at a dating app, suggesting you're on a dating app. No, it was someone else. Oh, yeah? Yes.

Starting point is 00:06:32 I'd tell you if I was on a dating app. You wouldn't. I bloody will. No, you wouldn't. I would. Look at these guns. Look at them. You think I need to go on a dating app?

Starting point is 00:06:39 Yes, that's right, because you look like a cross between, I don't know, with that getup. Like I said last time. Neil Breen. Neil Breen and fucking Andy Cap. Are you aware of of neil breen's work so i have no clue who you're talking about i would have thought you're like an 80s wrestler or something that's why i would go yes thank you 80s wrestler we talk more like big daddy because i'm seeing big daddy if i

Starting point is 00:06:58 was a wrestler i'd be called uh mini nugget or something mini Mini Nugget. Yeah, Mini Nugget's a great name. Hairy Nugget. Miniman Hairy Nugget. What would your walk-on theme be then? If you're coming in, Hairy Nugget, ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner. Hairy Nugget. Music.

Starting point is 00:07:18 Nugget, Nugget, Nugget. I thought you were going to pick a real tune. I know, I couldn't think of any. I didn't think you were just going to hold your nose and make a, I don't know, a kazoo sound. Spilling water in the tube, the house of reptiles. What do you mean reptiles? There's no reptiles here anymore. I told you I was tired. That's what happens when the hairy nugget

Starting point is 00:07:33 music plays. You just absolutely lose it. You throw water everywhere. I don't blame you. Hold on, Paul, what's your name? Oh, my wrestler. Who's the hairy nugget against? The sweaty flash. That's terrible. I'm a greasy but my wrestler. If you were a wrestler, who's the hairy knuckle against? The sweaty Flash. No, that's terrible. The sweaty Flash.

Starting point is 00:07:46 That is terrible. I'm a greasy but quick wrestler. You hold me and I get out. You can't pin me down because I'm out. Genuinely, because you said Flash, I thought your special move was just you getting your cock out. Oh, hello. Now we've added a wrinkle I do like to this idea.

Starting point is 00:08:01 It is a wrinkle as well, isn't it? It's a wrinkly mess. The hairy knuckle's coming at me. I'm not a knuckle. I'm not a hairy knuckle. What did you say you were? A hairy nugget. A hairy nugget.

Starting point is 00:08:11 Oh, sorry. Jesus, get it right, mate. He's a nugget. Hairy knuckle. So the hairy knuckle. Dip the hairy nugget in yoghurt. That could be your

Starting point is 00:08:20 signature move when you fight me. No. You dip me in yoghurt. Next to the ring. It's a big barrel, me in yoghurt. That's the ring. It's a big barrel, yeah. Yoghurt. Yes.

Starting point is 00:08:28 And I just grab you by the leg and dip you in? I like this. Come on. This is a show now. We've got a show now. Cheap Show Wrestling Federation. The CWF. I know I had to think that through.

Starting point is 00:08:39 I'm having a... Shut up. I really hope this is going to be episode 150 this match. 250, sorry. Hey, saving that for 300. We can really make episode 150 this match. 250, sorry, 250. Saving that for 300. We can really make it work for 300. Well, you've said it now. You've promised it.

Starting point is 00:08:50 Oh, no, I promise lots of things on this show and they never come through. They never come through. Like you, I think, promised a noodle special in about 2016. It never happened, did it? And it's never going to happen. No. Because you lack motivation.

Starting point is 00:09:02 Now, with that in mind, and we've derailed it somewhat, and I do apologise, get back to your tawdry, repetitive Tales from the Shop Floor dance floor story. So, this young lady comes up to me. I've finished playing. This is the new wrinkle. So you've stopped. The last track's gone out and the house lights are up. The last track has finished and the house lights are up. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:20 She comes to the edge of the stage. Yeah. Hello, it's my birthday. I've got a request. Right. Can you play Chuck edge of the stage. Yeah. Hello, it's my birthday. I've got a request. Right. Can you play Chuck Berry? You never can tell. And then she said that again about three times very quickly. You never can tell.

Starting point is 00:09:35 Chuck Berry. You never can tell. In exactly the same information in the same way. Hello, it's my birthday. Hello, it's my birthday. I've got a request. Can you play? Never can tell. Chuck Berry. Never can tell. The song's not called that, though, is it. I've got a request. Can you play? Never can tell, Chuck Berry.

Starting point is 00:09:46 Never can tell. The song's not called that, though, is it? I think it is. Isn't it? It was a teenage wedding. And the old folks wished them well. Say the oh, folks. Oh, it's a Pulp Fiction thing.

Starting point is 00:09:55 Never can tell, yes. But I don't care for that tune, I have to say. Say the oh, folks. It goes to show you never can tell. It's Chuck Berry doing a sort of pastiche of country, almost. A sort of piss take. But didn't he always do that? Like, My Ding-a-ling is that.

Starting point is 00:10:11 That's his only British number one. Oh, you should have just played that. My Ding-a-ling. Yeah, just to really wind up. Here you go. Here you go, love. Yeah, My Ding-a-ling. Followed by an awkward conversation between you, her, and the bouncer.

Starting point is 00:10:22 Listen, the night is over. That's the thing. And I just got this impression, she doesn't Listen, the night is over. That's the thing. And I just got this impression she doesn't really want me to play it. That's not the main... Right. That's not the main intention behind what she's doing.

Starting point is 00:10:32 Do you see what I mean? So what's the ulterior motive here? She just wants to express something about herself, her identity, it's her birthday, and be the centre of attention for a moment. No, no.

Starting point is 00:10:41 I think she wants to see your ding-a-ling. I think that's the code there. No one mentioned ding-a-lings. Yeah, but Chuck Berry, it's close enough. You would be thinking, oh, my ding-a-ling. I didn't think. It's my birthday. I never think of my ding-a-ling. My scat videotapes. My scat videotapes.

Starting point is 00:10:58 I want to watch my scat videotapes. Maybe that one. Apparently he had a truck that came round every week delivering new scat videos for him. Like a van. So what, the scat man would come every week? Yes. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:11:16 I'm sorry. Did you see? The scat man, he did a posthumous, Louis Vega did a posthumous duet with the scat man. Really? Yes. Yeah. Because the scat man died, what, a little while ago, a couple of years, maybe a few years, 10 years, 20 years. He died.

Starting point is 00:11:32 And then, yeah, two one-hit wonders crossed over to create the... I mean, I've not heard it. I didn't even know it existed. No, because it's terrible. Although he has... I mean, there's a channel on YouTube called Todd in the Shadows and there's a one-hit wonder thing we always watch. And he talked about Mambo No. 5, and it was fascinating.

Starting point is 00:11:47 One of the best. Yeah. Because that was a real era where there was a certain type of one-hit wonder. I think Mambo No. 5 is the most typical of that moment of 1999 and the type of novelty record that came out then. That song could never be popular before that time or after that time and probably shouldn't have been popular during the time as well. But back in 1999, the world was great.

Starting point is 00:12:08 But isn't that a song about him sleeping with loads of women? Yeah. And then it was covered by Bob the Builder, so that's a bit weird. It was covered by Bob the Builder, yeah. I'm sure the context of the song was changed though, right? No, it was just Bob going, yeah, I'm going to fuck everyone. Just literally that. It was horrific. It was more like Neilris he got drunk one night he started singing it

Starting point is 00:12:28 and so yeah fucking hell we'll put that out yeah the music video disgusting stuff do you know how did it actually go what was the what was bob listing tools or something a little bit of mdf in the van a little bit of screw fix if you can why are you using all these like trademarks paul you weirdo because when it came to mdf bob the builder would never say mdf or screw he might no he wouldn't i've got a hammer in the van more generic i've got a screwdriver up the yay now i'm sponsored by screw fix and b and q that's what i like to do that's what he sang i'm on a forklift but it's one of those one hit wonders though Which is like rung out

Starting point is 00:13:06 Because you know like What was that other song that came out That was like rinsed to bits And like you know in that Disney album Disney do rap or disco Like there's a Mambo number 5 disco Todd and the Shows did another one That was like that

Starting point is 00:13:18 That was some kind of rap Whoop there it is Yeah whoop there it is Which was used and just transferred To any number of like cartoon counts And cartoon shows and cartoon shows and adverts yeah

Starting point is 00:13:26 there you go you ran out of conversation you need me you need me to say squidge or something have you got a squidge in yet I've got a squidge on me have you

Starting point is 00:13:35 I've got squidge all around me I want to see your hairy knuckles wait hold on what happened in the Tales of the Dark School that's it she came out and did that also afterwards

Starting point is 00:13:43 there was a girl who was so drunk, we were standing by this barrel top, which served as tables, and there was a candle and my friend's two drinks. He had a whiskey and a beer there. Yeah. And she just comes over, straight into it. All of it goes.

Starting point is 00:13:56 The wax, hot wax, Paul, goes all the way up my arm. Oh. And I'm like, ah, ah. Just, ah. There was drunkenness on the streets of Camden. Drunken on the streets of Camden. It was. There was, like, women sort of on the pavement

Starting point is 00:14:10 with, like, pooling sick or running into the gutter and stuff. It's a beautiful tableau you've painted. Yeah. Right, Tom, I believe you've got a Tales from the Shop floor. I do, yes. Here we go. And I'm hoping it's a little bit better than whatever that shit story was,

Starting point is 00:14:24 which I'm thinking needs to be retired of the segment. Fuck you. It's just too repetitive for me. I don't like it. Say it's repetitive. Repetitive again. All right, it is repetitive, petitive, like you just said. Repetitive, petitive.

Starting point is 00:14:37 Don't get me started. Look, I'm not going to say anything now. Great. Tom, we're going to go. Okay, all right. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Cheap Show with me, Tom Mayhew. We've got rid of those blokes. Jesus Christ, who are they? now great tom i mean we're gonna go yeah okay all right hello everyone welcome to cheap show with me tom mayhew uh we got rid of those blokes jesus christ who are they i mean repetitive did work for

Starting point is 00:14:52 mambo number five so maybe it's uh there's something to be said for repetition there is i mean uh yeah i was gonna go off a tangent but really i want tom to say something lovely and tell his story well yes so this is a shop based tale. I don't know if it would be lovely, right? Because I used to work in Sainsbury's. I worked there for about three or four years. Right. And there would always be this big Scottish guy who would come in. He was about, you know, six foot.

Starting point is 00:15:15 He was quite a rotund bloke, quite a large bloke. Portly. Portly, that's a nice way of saying it. It's a very nice way. And he'd always come in. He'd always go into the shop toilets as you enter. Then he'd walk over to the customer service, and he'd always say,

Starting point is 00:15:29 oh, someone's left a load of shit in the toilet. Does he mean, I've just left a load of shit in the toilet? I'm pretty sure he did mean that, yeah. I don't know whether he was just really proud of it, or... Come and look at what I've done, kids. Yeah, literally. Like, she's saying to a poor, like,

Starting point is 00:15:44 mid-50s woman on customer service, oh oh there's a lot of shit in the toilet but he didn't always do that literally he would do that maybe you know 75 at the time he came in so i don't know whether it was his shit or whether he was like the poo police and just going around all these supermarkets being like oh your toilet is an absolute state, mate. I don't really know. What do you guys think? Wow. I think it's more likely that he needs some kind of validation from people cleaning his huge trots out. It was like that guy wasn't on the plane who shat and demanded,

Starting point is 00:16:18 because he shat himself and he demanded, demanded that one of the air stewards clean his bottom on the flight. Really? Yeah. Did he say, can someone get this goddamn shit off this goddamn plane? I don't know. The stories I remember, it was like, he was one of these guys in business class. He was like, oh, I've shat me pants.

Starting point is 00:16:35 A big guy. And then he was like, I want her to wipe my bottom. So it was a privilege thing, maybe? I don't know. Or was it a sort of kinky thing? Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? They ended up not making a woman wipe his arse on a flight,

Starting point is 00:16:50 which I think is the right choice. Yeah, I think so. Flight, you're right. Here's the thing. This door closes, we can't get out. If I'm fine business class, I want, you know, lickings. What do you mean, lickings? Lickings?

Starting point is 00:17:00 I've paid 15k or whatever for this flight. Get your tongue down there. Oh, no. Get your tongue down there. Get all the dried on bit. I mean, dried on implies you shat yourself before the flight took off. Yeah, it's dried out, isn't it? Get your mouth around my scatty arsehole. No, of course I don't think that. I was parodying them.

Starting point is 00:17:21 Yeah? Yes. Yeah, I don't know, though. As far as me, there's things. Maybe you do want your dirty arse. You know what? Let's move on. I don't want to talk about that.

Starting point is 00:17:31 Did you ever get down to the bottom of, so to speak? No, I didn't get near his bottom. No, thanks, mate. No, we had no idea. Literally, he'd just come in. He'd always go, oh, there's shit all over the toilet. Or sometimes, oh, there's shit on the toilet seat or whatever. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:17:44 Yeah, I don't know what it's because here's the thing did he go shopping afterwards would he go to the toilet go to the thing to complain and then go for a shop and leave yeah so part of me is thinking like he plans his day around going to the shop and having a nice shit yes before having so this just to give him the benefit of the doubt he probably is just a person who you know likes to take a shit before he shops and why not where was this sainsbury's? Was it in a particularly sort of poo-strewn neighbourhood? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:08 There was shit everywhere, mate. Really? Eli, I'll just... I don't know. Can you name, just for example, a poo-stained neighbourhood that you're aware of? Camden. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:19 It's more shitty than surrounding neighbourhoods, isn't it? That's true. I mean, we can only go by our own experiences, but, yeah, Camden is a very pooey place. And also, remember when we were up by the New River? There was a dead rat with its guts hanging out and a huge turd by the side of the river. And it stained my mind.

Starting point is 00:18:37 I've just got an image of Eli doing this most horrific, grim version of David Attenborough at the moment. Here it is, the dead rat with a big dog Todd on the side. You can still see the heat coming off the Todd. Steaming fresh Todd in the grass.

Starting point is 00:18:56 Oh, and look, there's another dog eating it now, and the rat. Playfully, is it nature wonderful? Chowing down on hot Todd. Alright, is that the story is that alright yes that's it so man pooing in the shop no that's a good one

Starting point is 00:19:13 yeah it's the right well I felt it was on brand for your usual story thank you very much for that let's crack on with the show shall we then yes I don't know how to end it

Starting point is 00:19:22 do you want a funnier ending try not to make it so awkward alright then come up with something funny have you stopped it now no I haven't so here to end it. Would you want a funnier ending? Try not to make it so awkward. All right, then come up with something funny. Have you stopped it now? No, I haven't. So here's your chance to save the segment. Save something funny.

Starting point is 00:19:30 Save the segment. Thanks for listening so far, everyone. See us on the other side of this sound effect. Let's hope it's a good one. Yeah, all right, I'll take that. And now it's that time of the show, Tom, where we decide to inflict upon you a range of cheap, soft drinks from certain stores and

Starting point is 00:19:48 corner shops around London. How are you feeling about that? I'm very excited. Are you? They're colourful, they look very unhealthy, so that's always good. Well, we have a track record of getting drinks that either look great and taste awful, or look awful and taste great. So hopefully we'll have some drinks that you won't spit

Starting point is 00:20:03 out immediately. I'll try my best not to spit. We'll do our best. Oh, hang on. Just in time, in the nick of time as well, it looks like our delivery is getting delivered. Come in. Hello? Oh, it's juicy Jeremy, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:20:20 Hello. I'm sorry I'm late. The Jollipy's broken down again. The Jollipy? Yeah, my old bird sorry I'm late. The Jollipy's broken down again. The Jollipy? Yeah, my old bird, I call it. It breaks down all the time. You still sound like Mickey Mouse. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:20:32 The wheels are... Shut your fucking mouth. The wheels are falling off that old bird. Well, Eli, why don't you move over and let Juicy Jeremy sit down for a bit because you've been a bit fucking silent the opening of this segment. No, hi, Jeremy.

Starting point is 00:20:45 Oh, hi there, Eli. I was just going to put all this soda pop down. Oh, hello. It's good to see you again, Juicy Jeremy. Oh, yep. Just come by, delivering some soda pop for you boys.

Starting point is 00:20:58 You're my special boys. Are you with this young man? Oh, this is Tommy's, our guest this week. Does he like the soda pop? Yeah, I love soda pop. You love the soda pop? I love to hear it because I'm Juicy Jeremy. You got any questions for Juicy Jeremy, Tom?

Starting point is 00:21:11 Is he well? Is he okay? I'm Juicy Jeremy. That's a no then. That's a no. We don't know. All right. Okay, so you tell me what you think because I'm still trying to do the ratings and such.

Starting point is 00:21:21 No, that's fine. That's fine. We can do that for you. Okay, so I'll just leave these ones with you. Oh, Paul, can I have a minute with you, please?

Starting point is 00:21:29 Yeah, sure. Shall we go outside? No, I don't mind if the other boy's here. All right, well, just be quiet a minute, Tom. Sorry, it's personal. Go on.

Starting point is 00:21:37 And Eli, he needs to be quiet too. Eli, will you be quiet, mate? Now, Paul, I got this very special soda. Yeah? It's just for you. Oh, alright. It's a very special one because you're my special

Starting point is 00:21:49 little man. Well, can I drink that at the end of the segment, then, just once we get all this out of the way? Just as long as you drink it all up. Alright, I'll drink your special soda up, then. Drink this special soda all up for old Jeremy. Does Eli or Tom get to drink it as well? Well, they could try it, but I prefer your opinion.

Starting point is 00:22:07 When it comes to your opinion, that's the opinion on the soda. Right, okay. Okay. All right, well then why don't you just pop out and have a sit down on the couch outside? Why would I need to come back? Please go. I will go, but I don't understand. I delivered the soda.

Starting point is 00:22:24 All right, well just sit in the corner there then. Okay. Just sit over there. Okay. Not next to Tom. That's creepy. Just sit over there. Sit over here.

Starting point is 00:22:31 Yeah, thank you. I've got some crosswords. Yeah, do your crossword. Do your Sudoku or whatever. I'll just get comfy. Do you do Sudoku or do you do Soda-uku? Well, there he is in the corner, Juicy Jeremy, everyone, and he's delivered a...

Starting point is 00:22:46 A bounty. A selection of these. It only took three minutes to get to the content of the show. Let's go. Okay, now, this is the soda jerk section, Tom. You're familiar with that. It's where we taste soft drinks. Soft budget drinks.

Starting point is 00:22:59 I'm mainly just put off by the weird smell of Jeremy. I don't really know what that is. We don't know either. It's kind of like a cross between, I don't know, moth balls and licorice. I like to think it's a nice sort of spicy, musky sort of... Musky. Fresh, in a way.

Starting point is 00:23:14 Yeah. What do you smell of, Juicy? Oh, I use the old-timey cologne, Madame Foufadour's Beaver Spit. Beaver Spit. I just dab a little bit behind my ears when I have my weekly bath. Your weekly bath. My weekly bath.

Starting point is 00:23:30 And I like to scrub. Scrub it, scrub, scrub. I put some of that soda salt in the bath. And I dab my ears with Madame Foufoudour's camel spit, or whatever I just said. Yeah, good. I like the consistency of your own fucking internal logic. Beaver spit, that's it.

Starting point is 00:23:43 Right. So, Eli. I'll keep doing the crossword. You go over there. So, Tom. Yeah. What's your feeling on soft drinks? Are you a big fan?

Starting point is 00:23:55 I like them. Do we have to do a stupid voice as well? No, no, no, no. What do you mean stupid voice? That's a character. That's very insensitive. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:24:03 I'm sorry. Honestly, I don't like it. You have listened to the show before. I have stupid voice. That's a character. That's very insensitive. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Honestly, I don't like it when... You have listened to the show before. I have, yeah. I mean, no one's going to stop you if you just do a stupid voice. No. Do you want to do one? Well, I don't want to, no.

Starting point is 00:24:12 Okay, good. I didn't think you did probably all the best. But here's my brand new character. It's very good. My name's Mr. Poo Face. Oh, no. It sounds like... Hang on.

Starting point is 00:24:24 Stop ripping off our content. It sounds like Christmas poo out of South Park's as well. Howdy-o. Oh, God. That's what he sounds like, isn't it? Fuck's sake. Anyway, on with the fucking show. Do you have any soft drinks, sort of like manias or fetishes for any particular ones?

Starting point is 00:24:42 I do. I like Fanta usually, but this Fanta that you've brought in. A mystery Fanta. Yeah. It's just called What the Fanta? And my first thought is

Starting point is 00:24:52 it's going to just taste like piss. I'll be honest. I don't understand what it is. Because we haven't tried it, but the idea was it was some kind of competition where Fanta go, we've done the flavour.

Starting point is 00:25:00 I bet you don't know what it is. And then I think a lot of people went, berry? And he went, I don't know. Something like that. Scan for think a lot of people went, Berry? And he went, I don't know. Something like that. Scan for clues. You can scan the QR code for clues.

Starting point is 00:25:09 Yeah, but I mean, this drink's been out a while. And I don't know if this website even exists anymore. Well, anyway, we're not starting with that. Are we not? No. Considering we're on the conversation right now, so we could talk about it.

Starting point is 00:25:21 Otherwise, it's, you know. That's a little sizzler for everyone. Oh, a taster. Yes, so we're starting with something I picked up today. That you wanted to drink before the show started because you're running low on energy.

Starting point is 00:25:33 Well, I've been working all weekend. So have I. Oh, have you? Yes. Good. I'm glad we're both working. And I was working longer and harder. I doubt it.

Starting point is 00:25:43 I... What? I'm so upset that my whole job is to play record after record until I get a free drink at the bar. And then I go, I'll have a free drink. And then by the end of the night, I'm a fucking wreck. And I'll complain on the way home as I'm shitting out my arse. I'm not shitting out my arse.

Starting point is 00:26:00 It'd be funny if you shat out something else, wouldn't it? Your mouth. That's a thing. Did you know that? You can shit your mouth out. No, it's a real thing. It's not funny if you shat out something else, wouldn't it? Your mouth. That's a thing. Did you know that? Fuck off. No, it's a real thing. No, you can't shit your mouth. Look the fucking shit up, mate. I don't want to. I don't have to look up. Can you shit your mouth

Starting point is 00:26:14 out? You can out-mouth shit. What does that mean? It means you're so sick that the poo's coming out your mouth, basically. Bad times. Well, you're not going to go, yeah, good times, mate. It's a true, real thing. Oh, I got so drunk last night, I did a shit in my mouth. No, you didn't have to go, yeah, good times, mate. It's a true, real thing. Oh, I got so drunk last night, I did a shit in my mouth. No, you didn't have to be sick.

Starting point is 00:26:28 You've got, like, proper sickness. So it's a whole thing. It's not like you just have one too many smoky balls. No, and I'd just like to say to anyone listening, you know, is poo coming out of your mouth? Go see the doctor. No, no, I'd forget the doctor. Just ask for an ambulance straight away and go to a hospital.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Yes, exactly. Just a thought. Now, this is Rubicon Raw Energy. Now, I like Rubicon. It's in a big, tall can. Paul, what kind of energy drink comes in a can like that? Well, Monster Energy drinks. That's what they do.

Starting point is 00:26:56 The most disgusting of the energy drinks. Now, this is what I believe Rubicon does. It tries to fit its products into other niches. Like adapts it? Yes, because they've done bottle ones. It tries to fit its products into other niches. Like adapts it. Yes, because they've done bottle ones. They're known, Rubicon was first known in this country for having the cartons, little square cartons. Like the little juice packs you used to get in school.

Starting point is 00:27:14 Yes. And I've enjoyed their passion fruit one over the years. I like the, what's the one? Pomegranate. You like the fizzy pomegranate though. You like the fizzy pomegranate. No, I also like the flat pomegranate. You like the flat pomegranate as, though. You like the fizzy pomegranate. No, I also like the flat pomegranate. You like the flat pomegranate as well.

Starting point is 00:27:25 They've got a nice flavour. The lychee, too sweet for me. What about the passion fruit? I like the passion fruit. Passion fruit is toot. Lychee, not for me. If it's cold. If it's cold, I'm bold.

Starting point is 00:27:37 Just keep rhyming. It's good, this. No, I don't want to. Can we go back to passion fruit is toot? What the fuck does that mean? It means passion fruit is bad. Passion fruit is toot. Oh, does it? I thought toot meant good. He means bad meaning fuck does that mean? It means passion fruit is bad. It's passion fruit is toot. Oh, does it?

Starting point is 00:27:45 I thought toot meant good. He means bad meaning bad, not mean... As in wind. Bad. No, I'm meaning good as in bad, but I'm meaning toot as in bad and then toot,

Starting point is 00:27:54 bad as in not good. Okay. You do what you do you, all right? Passion fruit is toot. I feel like I'm shitting out my brain right now. There's shit coming

Starting point is 00:28:03 right out of my brain. I don't understand it. It's like he's read the rule book and now has to do a cheap show counter and run away with it. So I think they're muscling in on what they see as a very lucrative part of the soft drinks market.

Starting point is 00:28:15 Yeah. Just like Mountain Dew, it started to market itself as an energy drink as well. It wasn't an energy drink before. It would be nice if it would just market itself as, I don't know, a nice drink first before it did anything else because Mountain Dew is fucking horrible. Now, this't an energy it would just like market itself as i don't know a nice drink first before anything else because mountain dew is fucking horrible now this is an energy drink in that it

Starting point is 00:28:29 has caffeine added yes i don't think other rubicon drinks have that added it's actually got coffee bean extract in it but no taurine see for me the taurine that's what makes it an energy drink is it yeah why does it actually give you energy taurine? I don't understand. It's the stuff that's derived from bull semen. Oh, here we go. The truth comes out. It doesn't come from bull semen, but it's found in bull semen.

Starting point is 00:28:53 Do you see what I mean? Just bull semen has taurine in? No, the semen of things. So my semen has taurine in? I believe so. So I could package myself as an energy drink. Don't quote me, but I believe all semen has taurine in. I believe so. So I could package myself as an energy drink. Don't quote me, but I believe all semen has taurine

Starting point is 00:29:08 in it. So technically, what you were saying then was, I don't like this drink as much because it's not got Paul Seaman in it. Any drinks improved by Paul Seaman. That is true. That's why my cocktails are very unique. You're very much in demand at the Savoy.

Starting point is 00:29:25 I am. I just stand on the bar. Paul, could you finish this off? I stand on the bar at the end, and they just took me off into a glass. It's a special order. You have to give me ten minutes between dashes. Oh, really?

Starting point is 00:29:37 You couldn't come twice. Dash a cannon. Yes, please. Do you think you could bring yourself off, and then ten minutes later do it again? Apparently, I was told by a guy who worked in the porn industry that a way to flash reset yourself after a porn scene is you get a bowl of ice water, ice cubes and water,

Starting point is 00:29:54 and you dip your balls and junk into it. And then that kind of is a hard reset. And apparently that's what they do if they need to... Oh, I've just blown it. Oh, sorry, there was a hair in the gate. You need to take that from the top. And they must get a lot of hair in the gate. Yeah. I mean, you... It's a dirty episode. I blown it. Oh, sorry, there was a hair in the gate. You need to take that from the top. And they must get a lot of hair in the gate. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:07 It's a dirty episode. I like it. You dodged the question there. The question was, Eli said, could you come twice in 10 minutes, I believe. Not without a hard reset. Shall I have a go? Well, if you were working. Should I try now?

Starting point is 00:30:20 If you were working somewhere like this, avoid. They've got plenty of ice there for you. Exactly. Just pull the champagne out of one of those bottles, out of those tubs. Hard reset. I'm opening this. Off we go.

Starting point is 00:30:32 I'm opening this Rubicon. Finally. It's only been 10 minutes and we haven't had a drink yet. He's opening it. Is there a huff? Now, this is... This is... Very fruity huff. Raspberry and blueberry flavour.

Starting point is 00:30:43 Apparently made with 20% fruit juice. So what's the other 80%? Water. Sugar. Oh. And water. I want to go on a little bit. Right.

Starting point is 00:30:51 Yes, it's got a kind of, it's a very berry, almost pomegranate-y kind of hoof. Yes. Rubicon, known for being extremely sweet. Yes. It's the sweet stuff. Sometimes too sweet, but I like their flavours. Ugh. It's very, it's almost sickly.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Too sweet, isn't it? It's got that after, you know, that sweetener aftertaste I fucking hate. Aspartame sort of taste, yeah. I wonder if it's got that in. Yes. If it doesn't, it will have some of the horrible chemical in. What do you think, Tom? I somehow can't taste either the raspberry or the blueberry.

Starting point is 00:31:21 I can't. No, you're right. I'm not sure what I can taste. No, it's pure artificial fruit flavour. This is a terrible drink, though. Generic berry flavour. Has none of the charm of their other offerings, does it?

Starting point is 00:31:30 For everything you can say about the quality of Rubicon, they get their flavours right. Like, you know that's a passion fruit. You know that's a pomegranate. You know that's apple. That doesn't really... There's no sort of identity to that, is there?

Starting point is 00:31:40 That's not raspberry and blueberry. If no one told me what flavour it was, I'd have no clue. No. I would just be like, generic, fruity. Yeah, sort of fruity. Like raspberry and blueberry. If no one told me what flavour it was, I'd have no clue. I would just be like, generic, sweet, like fruit, yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:48 I've got a feeling the fact is going to be the same. Also nasty, like you say, a spartan, sweet and a finish, which I don't appreciate either. It's one of the things

Starting point is 00:31:55 where I don't like this whole range of zero sugar drinks now because all they do is they make a... The way I look at it is this. They know it tastes bad, these zero sugar Cokes. So to sell it, they make variety and they i look at it is this they know it tastes bad these zero sugar cokes

Starting point is 00:32:05 so to sell it they make variety and they go right well there's a strawberry flavored one there's a cherry one there's an orange cola there's a whatever that berry one is and so you're kind of buying the variety rather than accepting the fact that this drink tastes fucking horrible now so yeah that's it and also it means like The regular Coke The classic They can charge more for This is This raw Rubicon energy Is almost like the worst Best of worst

Starting point is 00:32:29 Of both worlds Do you know what I mean Because it's got sugar in it Yeah And it's got sweetener So it's got that sweetener taste But you're not gaining anything I mean it's the opposite of raw

Starting point is 00:32:37 Surely It's just full of sugar and shit Yeah Do you know what I mean Raw would just be like If you opened it And a load of berries fell out Yeah

Starting point is 00:32:42 That would be raw Terrible And did you pick up on the caffeine at all? No. No, not really, no. Nasty. I'd give that two out of ten. I'd give that a C minus grade.

Starting point is 00:32:53 They're going to have to try harder, aren't they, if they want to break into the lucrative huge can of energy drink market. If this is their first one, then they've made a massive misstep. Rubicon, get in touch. Terrible. Yeah. Do they do any other drinks, or is that the only one that you've seen? No, they do three other flavours.

Starting point is 00:33:08 And they're all like what? The other one's lime, probably. They're all sort of cocktail combo fruit flavours, yeah. Ugh. Right. Terrible. Next, what have we got? Now, you were saying Panda Pops.

Starting point is 00:33:17 I was hoping to get Panda Pops, but... Oh, this is a flashback. But I haven't got it, so... Oh, far too late. Just have to put it in your mind, Tom. You were saying Panda Pops. They've gone extinct. Sorry, mate. So, you... Yeah, but... So, you... I remember't got it. Oh, fuck. Just have to put it in your mind, Tom. You were saying Panda Pops. They've gone extinct. Sorry, mate.

Starting point is 00:33:26 So you, I remember Panda Pops. We all remember Panda Pops. You remember Panda Pops. I don't know if they still make it. I don't know. They were really cheap, kind of the cheapest of cheap. The cheapest. Weren't they?

Starting point is 00:33:38 From like, you know, off-license stores or from corner shops and stuff like that. And it was always like, because obviously growing up, Coca-Cola was still expensive. So most of my childhood, my lunchboxes were Panda Pops. Or those horrible square cartons. You know those square long cartons? Just juice. No, not just juice. You know, like it came in like a see-through square carton

Starting point is 00:33:57 with a plastic kind of peeled top that you stuck a straw in. Okay. Do you mean Capri Suns? No, because Capri Suns is like a wallet, isn't it? Yeah. This was like, imagine like a plastic square tumbler like this. It was plastic. Oh, yes.

Starting point is 00:34:09 With a foil top. Foil top or plastic. And you used to get a straw on the side and you'd pull it up. Oh, yeah. They were the cheapest of the cheap. They were the cheapest. They were still, weren't they? And in school, at the packed lunch table, we'd all get our different drinks out and we'd all get an empty cup

Starting point is 00:34:25 and pour a little bit of each one in and make cocktails and then we all got the cold because that's how things got around in school. That's a bit like what they do boomerang bottles

Starting point is 00:34:32 in bars. Have you heard of this? No. Like in cocktail bars, they'll have a boomerang bottle which they sort of, everyone, every bar adds to

Starting point is 00:34:39 and they send it along to the next bar sort of thing. Ugh. So whoever gets it at the other end. And it boomerangs back or something

Starting point is 00:34:44 and they, yeah, they do their own take. But are people drinking it still as they pass it on? No, you've got a bottle and you've next bar sort of thing. Ugh. So whoever gets it at the other end. And a boomerangs back or something and they, yeah, they do their own take. But are people drinking it still as they pass it on? No, you've got a bottle and you've made a sort of cocktail and you put it in there

Starting point is 00:34:51 and then you, you know, you go send it to the next bar and they do shots of that and they go, oh, that's nice and they do you one sort of. It's a sort of reciprocal.

Starting point is 00:34:57 Oh, like pen pals but for booze. Yeah. Like a pub crawl without the travelling. Yeah, it's sort of like the community of mixologists. A really lazy pub crawl.

Starting point is 00:35:05 A postal pub crawl. Now, those. That's a good idea. It's sort of like the community of mixologists. A really lazy pub crawl. A postal pub crawl. That's a good idea. It's a great idea. Those little carton things, they were still, but Panda Pops, it's all about the pop, isn't it? It's all about the fizz, it's all about the pop. Didn't have very good fizz though either. It was the classic example of poor fizz flat

Starting point is 00:35:19 in that space of time. Now, I picked this up because I thought this is probably the most similar in size and shape to a panda pop bottle. Yes. Would you say? You thought it was one, Tom, when I didn't show you the label. Yeah, I did. Yeah, until I saw the Jamaican flag on.

Starting point is 00:35:34 Yes. Oh, it's Jamaica. I thought that was Scottish from this distance. I mean, do whichever of those two accents you're most comfortable with. I'm not going to do either of those accents. Och, I the new! That's Scottish. Yeah. I'm not going to do Jewish. I know. Och, I the noo! That's Scottish. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:45 I'm not going to do Irish. I know. I said do either. I said Scottish. Yeah, and I'm not doing Jamaican for all the obvious reasons. Now, there's a lot of Caribbean soft drinks, aren't there? Yes. And you get a lot in London.

Starting point is 00:35:57 Is it Car? K-A? Car? Yes, they do the cartons. They do the fruit punch. And we tried a few on the show. We tried Sorrel, didn't we? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:05 I did not like it. Didn't like sorrel much. It's a bit foggy. It's a bit musky and sort of, yeah. Chonkers flavoured. Yeah. It's a chonky flavoured drink. Have you noticed he's trying to get in the word chonkers?

Starting point is 00:36:15 Because it is a fucking great word. Now, this is Bigger Fruit Punch. Oh, it's called Bigger. Yeah. The brand is Bigger. B-I-G-G-A. Bigger. Yeah. And this is kind of smaller though, this is Bigger Fruit Punch. Oh, it's called Bigger. Yeah. The brand is Bigger. B-I-G-G-A. Bigger. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:27 And this is kind of smaller, though, this bottle. It's quite a small bottle, yeah. They do bigger ones. I think they're talking about the flavour. It's a bigger flavour. Of course they do bigger ones. Yes. Because it's called Bigger.

Starting point is 00:36:35 Now, this is on brand for Cheap Show, because this was a very cheap. So what you're saying is Bigger do a bigger one? 59p. 59p, bloody hell. What am I saying, Paul? Bigger does a bigger one. Yes, that's what it is. I just wanted to say Bigger does a bigger one. Yes, that's what it is. I just wanted to say bigger does a bigger one.

Starting point is 00:36:46 Chonkers. That's it, chonkers. Right, so should we taste this? Yeah. Some for you, Paul. Yeah, poor me. Are you mother then? I'm being mum.

Starting point is 00:36:57 Oh, that's cute. Yeah. And terrifying. Now, it's got a kind of orangey red close to this. I think the fizz has already disappeared completely. Oh, it looks like a flat drink. Oh, it smells of... The smell is like...

Starting point is 00:37:08 What's that smell? Ooh, baby. What is that smell? It's like herb. It's the smell of freedom. That's the smell of grape. That's the smell of pure chemical. So, freedom, grape and chemical.

Starting point is 00:37:21 That's the three flavours you got out of that honk. Tom's making some faces. Yeah, I don't know what I've just put in my mouth, I'll be honest. I don't like it. What flavour is it supposed to be? Fruit punch.

Starting point is 00:37:31 I don't know. That's not... I can't figure out what that is. It's not a fruit punch. I think that's okay. Ugh. It's got no... That went flat super fast.

Starting point is 00:37:40 It's got a grain to it. It reminds me of, like, the kind of drink a grandparent would enjoy and then they'd give it to you when you're about five and you go what is this disgusting thing you put in my mouth is that kind of yeah it's when your nan says do you want a coca-cola and then brings this in because all drinks are coca-cola to my nan yeah they're really like knockoff brand oh it's just yeah yeah aren't there parts of america where you know the different parts of america

Starting point is 00:38:01 have different words for soft drinks so they've got soda and they call them other stuff. I think in parts of the Deep South, if you just say a Coke, you mean a generic soft drink. That makes sense. Don't they call it pop in calendar as well? Yes. Pop. Isn't that weird though? It's like Hoover, I guess, or Kleenex.

Starting point is 00:38:17 Yeah. Or Screwfix. I say napkin. Screwfix? It's not Screwfix. Stop saying Screwfix. I've been sponsored by Screwfix this week. I just didn't tell you. That's not Screw Fix. Stop saying Screw Fix. I've been sponsored by Screw Fix this week. I just didn't tell you.

Starting point is 00:38:27 That's fair enough. Do you know this bigger fruit punch? It says, I am Jamaican, near the Jamaican flag. Yeah. But then it also says, made in the UK. But why would you need to make it in Jamaica? You wouldn't. It's just sugar water with chemicals in it. It's true.

Starting point is 00:38:41 There are very few things that are like, you know like the Chinese secret recipe made in Croydon. There's all that kind of stuff. It's just there to sell you the idea of it being an international brand. I didn't think that was that bad. If it was very cold and I was very hot, I probably could enjoy that bottle. And it's very good price. I just think you guys are so British that you don't understand fruit punch. No one ever gave me fruit punch.

Starting point is 00:39:08 No, I'm just saying. You know, growing up in Britain. No, fruit punch was, yes, you're right. It's a terribly middle-class thing to enjoy. No, it's not. And growing up on an estate in the North West, there was punch bowls aplenty. Every family came out on Punch Bowl Day,

Starting point is 00:39:22 which is a North Western. It's a Scouts thing. It's not. Where every August 10th, families come out into the street with their own... August 10th. August 10th, it's Fruitbowl Day in the North West, and every family comes out with a big...

Starting point is 00:39:32 Fruitbowl Day. Punchbowl. Punchbowl Day. Punchbowl Day. And they put it out, and everyone goes with a ladle. You get the family ladle out from the attic. Family ladle. And you go, scoop!

Starting point is 00:39:42 And you... Everyone uses the same ladle and then everyone gets the cold yes that's very poorly growing up as a result

Starting point is 00:39:51 when you're scooping it you have to go scoop as you do it you drop in the word scoop you have to say it otherwise it doesn't work and then at the end of the day every street

Starting point is 00:39:59 gives an award to the best punch bowl and my family won it three years in a row could you use the punch bowls to reset your whole junk if you were shooting a pawn as well? Well, that was at the guy at number 76.

Starting point is 00:40:09 No one drank from him. I'm getting a real picture of your neighbourhood. Not Bush City Limit, I ask you. Now, I want some kind of valuation, be it in number form or just in a short summary. Solid C for me. It's a solid C from Paul. What do you think, Tom?

Starting point is 00:40:24 I mean, I think it's not, to be honest, like 59p, I suppose that does come into the equation. I'd say it's not bad. It's not too bad. Maybe a 5 out of 10, do you know what I mean? Okay, I'd give it more of a 7. I think it's perfectly acceptable, especially if it's really cold. It's fine. I think I would probably enjoy that more if it was fizzy.

Starting point is 00:40:40 I think that's what it comes down to. What do you want to do next then? Now, we've got Turkish or more Caribbean. I tell you what, because we're at 25 minutes now, let's do the Fanta and those two punches. It's always the fucking same. Because we've done the... He wants to cut the content.

Starting point is 00:40:53 You're not going to cancel my drinks, mate. I just want to do the punches and the Fanta because I think we've done the Camillo before. It's very similar to stuff we've done in the past. All right, bloody hell. So let's just skip on to the Fanta. Of course, it's my drink that gets cut. We can do it really quickly.

Starting point is 00:41:04 Do it really quickly. Here we go. If you can do this in one on to the Fanta. Of course, it's my drink that gets cut. We can do it really quickly. Do it really quickly. Here we go. If you can do this in one minute, we're sorted. And your time starts. Open the drink, quick. Now, one minute. This next drink is Kamilika, which I believe is Turkish. And these, again, extremely cheap, Paul,

Starting point is 00:41:18 has a nice textured neck on the bottle. 10 seconds. No, that's 10 seconds gone, yeah. And this is a lemon flavour, but it's clear. Yes. Very cheap, these are. Again, in the sort of 60p range. And you've got it open and...

Starting point is 00:41:31 Job done. Oh, a nice bit of fizz, but will it last? Here, Paul, if you'd like to shuff your... Here we go, here we go, everyone. Quick, quick, quick. That will do nicely. And let's taste this one. Mm, that tastes of a thing.

Starting point is 00:41:41 That's good. Oh, actually, that's got a nice hoof to it as well. Nice, fresh, seven-uppy kind of hoof. It does, yeah. It reminds's good. Oh, actually, that's got a nice hoof to it as well. Nice, fresh, seven-uppy kind of hoof. It does, yeah. Reminds me of being holiday in France, that smell. Oh, that's alright. It's lemonade. It's lemonade. It's just lemonade, yes. Decent lemonade. Can I just say, I'm glad we gave this just one minute

Starting point is 00:41:55 then. Yeah. There's not much to say about it. Nice design, though. It's got mountains on it and a nice, like I say, lovely textured glass bottle. Now, stop. that's it we're moving on but if you want to see pictures of all the drinks we're drinking they're on our website thecheapshow.co.uk now what else we got here i'll show you these oh you want to talk about these yeah because i i found them if you don't mind me dropping the realism down to you yes what what

Starting point is 00:42:18 country is the lemonade from it's got i think it's turkish okay cool because the one that we did taste was the ulu dag one do you remember that paul yes that was an orange soda which is actually really nice like a classic orange clementine wasn't it yes yeah um so the two i found there's a range of these soft drinks that i've seen in corner shops near me called tropical vibes and i pulled these two out because they're the most interesting flavor like the the other one, it was like a fruit punch. But these, I got two. I got Sours. They're both Sours drinks. Ah.

Starting point is 00:42:49 Kawaii Kiwi. So it's a square Kiwi cube. I don't know what that's all about. And then Crazy Cola, like the Fizzy Haribo Cola bottles. This is a sour Fizzy Cola, but it's a flat drink, isn't it? Yeah, there's no bubbles to this. It's just, hang on, what does it say? Kawaii Kiwi. Don't be fooled by our

Starting point is 00:43:08 cuteness. We might be sweet, but we're super sour. When the red can is just too tame, time to get crazy. Oh, extreme! I like it when drinks have unnecessary identities just to make you buy them. I mean, they're very cocky, aren't they?

Starting point is 00:43:23 Yes. They'd better be sour. We'll be the judge they're very cocky, aren't they? Yes. They better be sour. We'll be the judge of how sour it is, won't we? Kiwi and lemon drink this one is, so let's hear it. Okay, let's go. What's it say on the lid? It says something on the lid. Oh, it just says, keep the vibe alive. And underneath it says, you have three days to live.

Starting point is 00:43:38 Oh, shut up. He loves this. Oh, very tart. It's a tart huff. Well, you'd expect so. And look, what a... Is that Eli's? It's quite a striking colour, this kiwi concoction, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:43:50 It is. It's very green. It's almost a sort of mad scientist in the lab. It's got a Herbert West reanimator kind of feel to it. It certainly does, yeah. What do you think of the huff? It smells sour, weirdly. It's got a tang.

Starting point is 00:44:03 I can smell kiwi there. Again, quite artificial. Yeah. Let's have a little... Here we go. Let's got a tang. I can smell kiwi there. Again, quite artificial. Yeah. Let's have a little taste of this. I don't know if I like it, but I don't hate it. I don't hate it, but it's not as sour as I was hoping. It's not an extreme sour. No, it's just got a very tart lemon aftertaste.

Starting point is 00:44:16 It's quite nice to have kiwi in a drink. That's not often. That's quite pleasant, actually. That's a good point. You don't get a lot of kiwi drinks. You do not. And, you know, kiwis can be dangerous for you. How so?

Starting point is 00:44:26 Oh, I actually quite like that. Yeah. I think that's my favourite so far. Yeah, because it's kind of almost clean as well. It's quite refreshing. It's got a very refreshing tartness. And like you say, it's not a flavour that you associate with drinking a drink. I think that would keep the vibe alive.

Starting point is 00:44:44 And do you enjoy it? It doesn't refer to which vibe. Yeah. You know, you might have just... Keep the bad vibe alive. Yeah. You might have just been abusive to someone and then you might buy that drink

Starting point is 00:44:54 and it says keep the vibe alive and you go back, and fuck off again! You're insane. Or if you're horny. Oh, darling. Well, that's all right. I'm going to drink Some tropical vibes

Starting point is 00:45:05 You do get all those Tonic drinks as well From the Caribbean And Jamaica Don't you Yes you do Like Bull What's it called

Starting point is 00:45:11 Magnum and stuff Which are all tonic wines Which do try and suggest That they help you Get it up Yeah But they're about as effective As those stupid fucking pills

Starting point is 00:45:20 People buy in pubs Where it's like It's not Viagra But you can take this pill And you'll be rock hard Look at the ingredients It's like Just vitamin Yeah it's like, it's not Viagra, but you can take this pill and you'll be rock hard. Look at the ingredients. It's like just vitamin. Yeah, it's a vitamin pill.

Starting point is 00:45:28 You know what I mean? With a bit of caffeine in or something. Yeah. Maybe you're taking them wrong. Yeah. Maybe they're supposed to go up your bum. No, I've been taking them that way. Oh, there we go.

Starting point is 00:45:38 No. Five at a time. There we go. No, you just need to thread them. I've been exceeding the dosage. Paul, you need to thread them into your meters, of course. So what you're saying is I have to pop them. Well, you just put them on a...

Starting point is 00:45:50 This is a little tip for you. Is it? Yeah. Big tip. It's a big tip for you. Mine's a big tip. You just take a little piece of darning thread. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:58 You make a little hole in each of your herbal Viagra. Yeah. And then you thread the string through. All five. Yeah. And then you put a metal pole like a kebab stick

Starting point is 00:46:08 or something very small one so I'm going to kebab a bunch of these and then you go down the metres and then you pull the pin out

Starting point is 00:46:14 and then you've got them on the string you've got the string just hanging out your metres like a tampon string this is getting better and then you

Starting point is 00:46:21 pop pop pop pop Tom's looking down in shame and I don't I don't... I don't know where I'm going with this. Well, no, I had to look down, because, you know,

Starting point is 00:46:28 it's a shame for the listeners that they won't see that Eli actually did that live. Yeah. He showed it, and he growed it. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Next one. Oh, that was a big one. Oh, here we go.

Starting point is 00:46:40 He loves the fucking mouth noise. So here's the crazy cola one, then. Here we go. And this also says, keep the vibe alive, so... What did we think of the Kiwi? Ooh. That was my favourite so far. I loves the fucking mouth noise. So here's the crazy cola one then. Here we go. And this also says keep the vibe alive. What did we think of the Kiwi? That was my favourite so far. I'll give it an eight.

Starting point is 00:46:49 I'll give it a B. I'll give it an eight. There we go. Stand up for yourself with your own opinions. Now this does smell like Haribo. Although it pours out like... That looks more like whiskey when you pour it out though. There you go.

Starting point is 00:47:03 There's one. And there's another one. It looks like flat cola to me. To be honest, it looks like... It's not as dark. Yeah, it's lighter, so it has a whiskey-ish sort of... I mean, it does look a bit like piss as well. It looks a lot like old piss.

Starting point is 00:47:13 But sniff that. If you can't smell the Haribo cola bottle in that... Oh, wow. Oh, my word. That's good. Yeah. Very, very, very, very, very, very evocative. Wow.

Starting point is 00:47:22 Like when you were a kid and you'd buy them and you would smell the packet because you'd be so excited. I know. I used to love that. Or when they were in a big jar on the shelf and you'd pull them out and get the lid off. And you'd go. I used to get those cubes, the hard cubes. Pineapple cubes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:37 Or cola cubes. You can get them. You can get the cubes. And the metal gobstoppers. Right, anyway. Time to drink. Wow. That tastes like when you get a Mr. Cola, Mr. Freeze ice thing,

Starting point is 00:47:46 and it melts, and that's what you're left with. Quite interesting, though. Do you know what I mean? It's not just a generic soft drink. Go for the Rubicon. That was just piss poor. That has something to it. It's all right.

Starting point is 00:48:00 It comes close to achieving what it says on the packaging as well, doesn't it? Yeah, that it's a kind of cola-y thing with a slightly kind of tingly taste. Do you think it needs to be fizzy, though? That's what that one is lacking, which the Kiwi one didn't, because you've got no expectation of fizz with the Kiwi, do you? So you accept it, but with this, you're thinking, this is flat. I need the bubbles. This is flat. I need bubbles.

Starting point is 00:48:19 It's cola. I think psychologically, bubbles and cola are necessary to make the experience real. Strange thing. It's a strange thing. It's a flat cola. I think it, bubbles and cola are necessary to make the experience real. Strange thing. It's a strange thing. It's a flat cola. I think it wouldn't kill the vibe, but it would make me check my watch and be like, oh. Can this vibe continue? Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:48:35 The vibe is wearing out. Yeah. Right, well then let's crack on to our very last drink. I'm full. I don't want to drink anything else. Well, unfortunately, we've preempted this segment now, so we have to. Otherwise, I could have edited it all out.

Starting point is 00:48:47 I'll only have a small one. All right. Well, then, shall I? It's Fanta Mystery Drink. Great. Fanta? Question mark. Oh, God, I've got to wind.

Starting point is 00:48:55 Yeah, I know. This is the best bit of the podcast. I'm loving this. Oh, God. Zero sugar, Paul. Zero sugar. Oh, well. You can't have everything.

Starting point is 00:49:04 Where would you put it a spartamine oh god I've got really bad wind oh oh I drank those drinks too fast

Starting point is 00:49:11 and now I've got a big bowl of air lodged somewhere go on Tom you open this one what score would you give the weird Harrybo Kona drink

Starting point is 00:49:18 oh yeah I would say I would say C plus me I'd say 7 maybe out of 10 I didn't hate it I have to say but the kiwi one.

Starting point is 00:49:26 I still drink it above all of the other ones. Yeah, right. I mean, that lemonade, the Camelilica. It's fine. It's fine. Nothing special, but for the price range, you know, it's a nice little... It's a little nice cheap sojourn into a lemonade land. Now, this mystery Fanta is blue.

Starting point is 00:49:42 I'm blue. I mean, it's very like Smurf blue, isn't it? It's properly bright. It's a deep Smurf is blue. I'm blue. I mean, it's very like Smurf blue, isn't it? It's properly bright. It's a deep Smurfy blue. Oh, I don't like the stuff in it. Oh, it's... What is that? It feels like you've just put my face in a bowl of weeds.

Starting point is 00:49:54 It's got a very floral... Yeah. It's something earthy as well, isn't there? Do you know what I mean? Like soily. Like an entrepreneur might use. Nice callback. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:50:04 The bottle says, sip suspiciously, which that doesn't sell the drink to me, really. Be careful what you put in your mouth. This might kill you. Enjoy. You like poison. This could be made of it.

Starting point is 00:50:16 There's something floral and something earthy in the half that I'm getting. It's almost like it's got a... What is that smell? Do you know what I mean? It's a yeah god i feel sick oh that's not a nice smell really is it all right let's taste this yeah oh i think that taste of disappointment frankly that's horrific well at least we now know that you know what disappointment tastes like yeah this magic phantom flavor it tastes like it smells too much do you know what i mean? There's nothing added by the actual flavour

Starting point is 00:50:47 Okay, so let's guess What do you think this is then? What flavour is it? Because I don't know Mud? Mud and roses? The tears of Coca-Cola employees maybe? Yeah

Starting point is 00:50:57 No idea Can we find out? It's got lemon juice Citric acid Sweeteners Because it's come with a QR code. I'm going to do it then. Give me a bottle because I've got...

Starting point is 00:51:08 You've got to be 16 plus to know this flavour apparently. I feel really fucking sick. Cheers. Okay, so I've gone to the website and it says, and just like that, the case was closed, or was it? Watch the final episode below to find out what three mystery flavours were and the unexpected imposter flavour. Oh, fuck off.

Starting point is 00:51:27 Winners of the prize draw will be contacted via email. Oh, fuck off. Whatever. Taste of shit, Fanta. That's what we all thought. So fuck your shit and fucking blow it out your big Fanta arse. She kept her secrets close. Hey.

Starting point is 00:51:44 He thinks one of the drinks has vegetables in it. Yeah. He's got no idea the flavours of blueberry, blackcurrant, cranberry, pomegranate plum and peach. Tomato, tomato, tomato, tomato, tomato, tomato. Joke's on him because tomato is not a vegetable it's a fruit tomato

Starting point is 00:52:08 but what about the logic behind this so okay you're Fanta you want to do a push my the way I look at it is this what they've done is go this will taste like shit but it will draw attention to Fanta and will make people probably go

Starting point is 00:52:22 I'll just have a fucking Fanta but to obscure what the flavor is and to make it a mystery game and then make people probably go, I'll just have a fucking Fanta. But to obscure what the flavour is and to make it a mystery game and then make people go to your website to play it seems just like a lot of pain and effort for a gag.

Starting point is 00:52:31 They've got so much money and they've had a whole sort of relaunch in recent years, haven't they, Fanta, with like seven or eight extra flavours? It used to just be

Starting point is 00:52:40 lemon, apple... Orange was a big one. Yeah, basically, yeah. Orange was the big one. Fruit Twist was the red one, wasn't it? No, there was a Fruit Twist red one as well, wasn't there? Yeah, so I yeah. Orange was the big one. Fruit Twist was the red one, wasn't it? There was a Fruit Twist red one as well, wasn't there? I don't know. I do like their berry one,

Starting point is 00:52:49 I have to say. Their mixed berry. Nick Berry has a flavour. Oh, it's delicious, yeah. Nick Berry, it's heartbeat flavoured or something. It's called Every Strawberry Wins. Every lozenge wins. But do you know, what I'm trying to say is this they wouldn't have ever

Starting point is 00:53:07 pulled this kind of shit before where they just go we don't we're not telling you what flavor it is you know there's a certain it's a post-modernism to the whole drinks market now where it's reached this sort of gimmicky level though where they're talking about what flavors do you see what i mean in in yesteryear pa, in years gone by, they just go, this is orange flavour. And everyone was happy with that. And you'd get one or two.

Starting point is 00:53:29 But now it's like, what flavour is it? Ooh, flavour. The whole world of flavour has gone meta-textual. Problem with it is that that flavour, whatever it is,

Starting point is 00:53:38 is worse than any of the other flavours. Yeah. If I was like, oh, it's like a nice, you know, citrusy orange or something, you might be like, that's quite, but that's just like, I want like oh it's like a nice you know citrusy orange or something you might be like

Starting point is 00:53:45 that's quite but that's just like that's a good review there we go let's email that to Phantom yeah that was the worst thing that we tasted so shall I

Starting point is 00:53:55 but it's not even fun and refreshing it's not like oh I don't know the flavour but mmm I like it I'm going to have this going forward you know it's not like that

Starting point is 00:54:02 it's like mmm what's this what a waste of £1.50 fuck my life I'm miserable yeah but this going forward. You know, it's not like that. It's like, hmm, what's this? What a waste of £1.50. Fuck my life. I'm miserable. Yeah, but I just think it speaks to the whole power of like, because it's Coca-Cola, isn't it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:12 And just the huge power, the huge marketing budget they have. Well, I got this from B&M and there was loads of them and they were like 70p. They don't care. No. They can just do it. But it works. It works because I've tried that one Fanta and it was horrible.

Starting point is 00:54:26 And there's another Fanta there. And I'm thinking, will that be a different flavour? Yeah. And I'm thinking, do we open that? Yeah, we should. We should to see if it's a different flavour. I don't know, but that's being tricked by them, isn't it? Well, let's see.

Starting point is 00:54:36 We should check. You're right. I don't know. It's the same colour. The website mentioned it, didn't it? Yeah, but I think... They're mystery flavours. They're all the same colour to disguise what flavour they could be.

Starting point is 00:54:43 So what you're saying is is it's the same colour, but three different flavours in a bottle. Or is it three different bottles? There's two different mystery flavours, which are combinations of different flavours. I'm going to open this and I'll just give it a half. If it smells different, then we're a go, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:57 God, we're going down the rabbit hole here. All right. Ooh, I've got a real latrine smell off that. It's the same. It's the same. Well, that at least saves me drinking any more of that god-awful shit. Would you like some more, Tom? I'll try some.

Starting point is 00:55:11 Why don't you double-check? Well, I guess, for the science of it, we've got another taste test going on. But I can't do that no more. What's that like? A taste of lovely soda. It's turned me into a soda mad lunatic. I've got to bring the character back, so it's going to be a bit awkward if you do.

Starting point is 00:55:31 Okay, I'll fuck off now. Okay, good. Bye, interestingly weird and vague character. All right, there he goes. Well, look. See you. That could be the first ever guest-produced Cheap Show character. Yes.

Starting point is 00:55:43 He doesn't even have a name. And it's funny that we've allowed a copyright infringing character within the episode to exist as opposed to outside knockoff. But Paul, I mean, didn't Juicy Jeremy want you to...

Starting point is 00:55:54 Are we done with all the drinks? Yes. Hang on, I didn't rate that. So how were we going to rate that? Because I'm going to rate that a D minus. I'll give it a two. I didn't like it at all.

Starting point is 00:56:00 I'm going to give it a one because I want a normal Fanta now. Yeah. That's how they get you. That's disgusting. There's a chemical in there that makes you go, I'll a normal Fanta now. Yeah, that's how they get you. That's disgusting. There's a chemical in there that makes you go, I'll have another Fanta.

Starting point is 00:56:07 It's that earthy, weird earthiness that's disgusting. It's like, you know, like mulled wine and you take away the wine and you've got all those bag of herbs and shit.

Starting point is 00:56:15 It's like that kind of thing. It's a bit bitter almost, yeah. It's really repeating on you, isn't it, Paul? Anyway, Juicy, we're done here now. I think we're done. I tell you, that was a really tough crossword

Starting point is 00:56:27 I was working on my boys. Four down was really hard I thought. Oh no, I don't think. I don't know. I got four down. Shaft. No, it was really hard. Shaft.

Starting point is 00:56:37 No, it was really hard. Five and four. Something that's difficult. Really hard. I thought that was a good joke but I'm just going to move on. Oh, there we go go I get it now crossword humour

Starting point is 00:56:48 has never been my thing boys but I tell you what has oh I used to write gags for dead ringers and now I'm here doing this I love me the shoulder pops I got a writing job

Starting point is 00:56:58 on dead ringers but I couldn't even get a job writing news Jack that's my fucking career I don't know what you're saying but I'm a character Juicy Jeremy my name but I'm a character. Juicy Jeremy, my name,

Starting point is 00:57:07 and I'm going to take these empties away. It's hard writing gags. Take them back to the soda place. Now. Eli is just like John Coleshaw right now, I think.

Starting point is 00:57:14 Now. Now. Not in that. How would that sound? Higher, higher. Yes, all the obvious gags. Lower. Didn't she do well? I'll come

Starting point is 00:57:30 Oh dear Right I'll go then, guys Yeah I think I can get my jalopy going Yeah, we think the Kiwi drink was the best of your selection this week Oh, I'll write that down in my journal Just as soon as I arrive back at the homestead.

Starting point is 00:57:46 Now, you said you had a drink for me. Oh, a special one for you, my boy, my boy. Here it is. I'll just take it out. All right, okay. And I'll pass it across to you. It's got no label on it, though. What is it?

Starting point is 00:57:58 This is a special experimental juicy Jeremy collection. So what, it's like a bespoke kind of... Oh, that's the most bespoke you can get. Right. Yeah, have a taste of that. Has it got a dash of Ganon in it? No. Shame.

Starting point is 00:58:12 I drink that myself. You drink your own cum. That's what you're saying. Okay. I make a game of it. I fire it into the sky and try and catch it. I don't need to know that. You enjoy... While March of the Gladiators plays. I'll be off. You just enjoy that drink. All right, I fire it into the sky and try and catch it. I don't need to know that. You enjoy. Well, march to the

Starting point is 00:58:25 gladiators, please. I'll be off. You just enjoy that trip. I'll leave that with you. Lovely to meet you, young man. Nice to meet you, too. Thanks for coming. Mr. Tom, I'm Juicy Jeremy. I'm going to go out. Oh, it's a bit funny. What is? What's the flavour?

Starting point is 00:58:41 Oh, it's a mystery flavour. Alright. Bye now a mystery flavour. All right. All right, bye. Bye now. Bye. See you later. Bye. Bye.

Starting point is 00:58:50 Oh, Juicy Jeremy. Yes, we fucking get it. I don't know what's in that drink, but it might be fecal. Yeah, I mean, your eyes have gone a bit red. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Well, all right, I've drank it now. There he goes.

Starting point is 00:59:02 He's good, though, supplying us with all these. Why didn't he want anyone else to drink this? Why just me? I think he's got a thing for you. It did seem like that. Yeah, it's fecal. He was making the eyes throughout, you know. With those big bushy eyebrows he's got, you know.

Starting point is 00:59:12 Yeah, well, that was fun. What an interesting collection of stuff that makes me want to be sick right now. I can't wait for the next time we go to the froth shop. It's not the froth shop. It's a fucking soda jerky twat. It doesn't fucking matter anymore. Does it? It doesn't matter. It matters. It doesn't fucking matter anymore, does it?

Starting point is 00:59:25 It doesn't. It matters now and forever. What was it? The froth shop was what before? It's where we do the sweets, and then the soda jerk is where we drink the drinks. Oh, I can't keep up with the machinations of this fucking show. I don't like it when Mum and Dad argue.

Starting point is 00:59:41 Go to bed, little Jimmy Big Boy, which is now your character's name, Jimmy Big Boy. Finally I've got a name. Yay! Welcome to the show, Jimmy Big Boy. Fresh stop on that fucking thing. Go on, do it. Oh! It's got a

Starting point is 00:59:57 It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a

Starting point is 01:00:02 It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a It's got a Elastic Band the compliments. It's time for us to play a board game which you have brought to Cheap Show for us to play today, and that is what Gannis Golden Games is all about.

Starting point is 01:00:17 Yeah, so I thought, because Tom is on the show, I wanted to do something that was thematically similar to the stand-up and the Radio 4 show he'd been doing, which, if you want to just use the moment briefly now to promote your work and your Radio 4 content. Oh, yeah, well, the Radio 4 show... A little bit... Oh, yeah. Yeah, you've blown it now.

Starting point is 01:00:34 Fuck off. Jesus Christ. Go on. When I'm on Radio 4, I can edit it. It's very good. Yeah, the skids stay in the picture on this one. You're raw. But, yeah, Radio 4, the show was called Tommy, he was Benefit Scum,

Starting point is 01:00:45 which I mainly called it that because it was a show about me being on benefits and being unemployed, and I liked the nervousness that the posh Radio 4 people had to say Benefit Scum in. Yeah, because that's the thing I really thought was interesting, because I'd never thought that

Starting point is 01:01:01 content would be put on Radio 4 and taken seriously because Radio 4's listenership doesn't lend itself to being interested in that content, if that makes sense. No, they are. They're left-leaning, liberal. It's your sort of liberal squirming. That's what you're talking about. Yeah, but I guess they're very stereotypically middle-class, I suppose, is probably what you're saying.

Starting point is 01:01:21 But I think we were quite lucky because we actually recorded it during the pandemic so we did it virtually over zoom so i could say are there any working class people in and it was quite a lot which was probably because they didn't have to come into london they didn't have to travel to yeah yeah yeah you know see a show for free in london but not maybe get in because the ticketing situation on bbc stuff's very weird so it meant we actually got an audience who were more the actual audience. Well, that's good. And what was the feedback like, though, in terms of the show going out? Was it received as well as you expected it?

Starting point is 01:01:52 Or were you surprised by how many people wanted to talk about it? No, I think it went really well. I wasn't sure what to expect because it did feel like, is this the right space for the show? I was a bit like, am I just speaking to people who would have no knowledge of being unemployed or being on benefits who might just literally think, yes, you are a scumbag.

Starting point is 01:02:13 I fell out of radio and now I'm producing the news quiz. Hello, everyone. No, but again, maybe the pandemic was, you know, a silver lining there as well, because a lot of people would be getting on benefits for the first time ever, wouldn't they? Because they lose their jobs suddenly. Well, that's the whole thing about the universal credit thing, I guess, as well, well because a lot of people would be getting on benefits for the first time ever yeah weren't they because they lose their jobs suddenly that's the whole thing about the universal credit thing i guess as well is that a lot of people are suddenly going oh i have to take this i've never had to do this before what's the whole process oh it's shit oh now i pay

Starting point is 01:02:35 attention there seems to be a little bit of that going on definitely yeah i think in a way the the you know i wrote the show and performed it in 2019 and then the pandemic kind of made it all very relevant. Yeah. And kind of, I was kind of like, oh, I mean, not in, I wasn't literally going. You weren't punching the air going, yay, COVID. Yay, thank God for this pandemic. I wasn't doing that.

Starting point is 01:02:55 But it was like, oh, okay, now actually people are talking about this shit. Yeah, it was serendipitous for the show. Yeah. So with that in mind, then I thought, let's play a board game that can kind of speak to that to some extent. And this isn't quite that, but you mentioned Game of Life, and I thought we could do better than that.

Starting point is 01:03:14 And then it turned out when I looked online, there are tons of different types of Game of Life spin-offs. So Hasbro have done Game of Life fame, where the whole aim of the game is to be an Instagram star. A movie? Yeah, or a movie star and things like that. So Hasbro have done Game of Life fame, where the whole aim of the game is to be an Instagram star. A movie? Yeah, or a movie star and things like that. Have they done Game of Death, where you're zombies?

Starting point is 01:03:30 Huh? I bet right now someone at Hasbro is going, quick, write that fucking down and sue the fuck out of them if they say it's there. So they weren't surprised, but there have been loads. Obviously, there's like the Skins, the Simpsons Game of Life, or there probably is a fucking Walking Dead Game of Life. Yeah. I need to look that up, but probably is a fucking Walking Dead Game of Life. Yeah. I need to look that up, but I also won't look that up right now. So this is called Game of Life Quarter Life Crisis Edition.

Starting point is 01:03:52 And on the box, it actually says a parody of the classic game released by Hasbro. So it's an official thing. But it's a parody. And it's dead cheap as well. When you look at the board game, it looks like, yeah, they have tossed this off as simply as they could. Well, yes, it's brightly coloured design, but it looks quite sort of cookie cutter in terms of the graphics and stuff. No, because the Game of Life you bought because it had plastic hotels and little hills you could walk around. Oh, you're talking about the actual gear.

Starting point is 01:04:16 Very minimal on the gear this edition, isn't it? It's just the board and the spinner. And it doesn't even go clackety-clickety-clack. It doesn't even go clickety-clackety-clack. Which is wrong. In fact, all it does is it paints a little white arrow on the board and says, that's your number. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:29 I mean, it's flipping cheap, isn't it, really? Now, this is interesting, though, that it's a parody. Because would I be right in thinking that Game of Life was originally created to compete with Monopoly? No. No? If I remember rightly, the Game of Life started a long time ago as a Christian moral game. And again, I can't quite remember because it's in that book I always rave about, Life's a Game or whatever it's called, about the history of certain board games. And I believe the game of life started out as a kind of…

Starting point is 01:04:56 It's sort of like instructional for devout Christians. Avoid hell. Go to heaven by playing life this way. Oh, yeah. You landed here. You're having sex before marriage. Is it anal? Okay, that's all right with God.

Starting point is 01:05:08 Yeah, that sort of thing. Did you pull out beforehand the Catholic method? No, that's not. You can't put it in. You just put it in somewhere else. You could do that thing where you just rub it between the thighs, and don't put it in the actual... Yes, that's good.

Starting point is 01:05:19 Fanny. Yeah. Oh, the really horrible thing is Paul was actually gyrating as he said that. He was, wasn't he? It was really unsettling. I was simply imagining a dick between my thighs. That's all I was doing. No, no.

Starting point is 01:05:31 I was lost in reverie. So it wasn't, but it wasn't. It started as a more serious sort of game, a more sort of instructional. A more moral game, I guess. And then over time, like Monopoly, it kind of mutated and other people added stuff to it. And then it became this. Yes, but that's not true of Monopoly because Monopoly started as a parody. No, the landlord's game was meant to meant to demonstrate how well it was. It's a leftist creation, wasn't it?

Starting point is 01:05:57 It's a bit more complicated than that because in America at the time when they were starting, the country knew afresh. There was an idea of a thing called a one-tax system, and America fell into a one-tax system or a multi-tax system, and the one-tax was a bit more socialist, which is obviously why it got shat on. Wasn't it called Fordism or something? It was a sort of American socialism called Fordism, I believe. But she invented Monopoly as an attack on why a multi-tax

Starting point is 01:06:20 and property ownership game system is unfair. Yeah, so it's a sort of socialist parody of capitalist things. But the game that we all know and play now is based on what happened when that game got out. And it basically wound up at universities and lecturers would start adding their own bits because no one knew what pieces to use. They would just use little toys,

Starting point is 01:06:38 which is why you get the hat and the thing. And then at some point it was codified and trademarked, I guess. And the inventor didn't get fuck all. There's a great dollop on it if anyone wants to listen to it or the book itself. So, but Game of Life invented after Monopoly. It's a bit later, isn't it? Oh, much later.

Starting point is 01:06:55 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But still is a game that developed for a certain reason and then changed into something much more sort of palatable to everyone sort of thing. Yeah. And it just became a really cute way of a board game about having family and 2.4 children and getting a big house at the end and a great healthy pension.

Starting point is 01:07:12 Things that, as we all know, is an absolute unicorn fiction these fucking days. So the game of life itself has had to cope with the fact that that idea of what living a life is is so outdated it's unattainable to the point of fantasy yeah i made 50 000 in the stock market today i had twins i went to the poor farm i'm on millionaire acres that's life the game of life the game of life You will learn about life when you play the game of life. First you start out with two thousand and a car. I got a car. You got a car.

Starting point is 01:07:53 Then you may go straight to college just to get a lot of knowledge. College. Or to business if you think you'll go as far. I'll be a star. You may go far. The game of life. The game of life. If you think you'll go as far, you may go far. The game of life, the game of life. Hey, I'll get revenge.

Starting point is 01:08:11 You'll get revenge. I've got revenge. You've got revenge. Milton Bradley makes the best games in the world. So play the game of life. That's life. So this is an answer to that. So I'm going to read what Hasbro say on their website about this game.

Starting point is 01:08:33 So it's called In the Game of Life Quarter Life Crisis. You move around the board earning and losing money as you race to be the first person to pay off your 500k soul crushing debt. Wow. Now, I don't know where this 500k debt comes from. Student debt, mate. In America, you end up with like 150 grand debt. Straight out the gate? Yeah. That's crazy. My sister is paying off like a £100,000 student loan. But you and me must be the last generation who didn't have to pay student fees, because I didn't. I had my student loan. No, I didn't pay fees. So I had a loan and a grant.

Starting point is 01:09:02 Yeah, but we never had to pay a university fee You're much younger so I guess you went through that Yeah yeah I was The first year who had to pay Nine grand a year You're the first fucking year but that was great I just couldn't have gone I genuinely couldn't have gone My brother and sister who are younger than me went

Starting point is 01:09:18 And they are riddled with the debt I don't have to worry about Oh I've not paid any of it off No I mean It's been a successful ten years since uni debt I don't have to worry about. Oh, I've not paid any of it off. No, I mean, that's the other thing. It's been a successful 10 years since uni. I swear every year I do my deferment and they go, 43? Really? I'm like, yeah, really? Leaving university with a film and TV 2-1 isn't going to get you Wall Street.

Starting point is 01:09:40 I don't even know what's happened to my student loan debt. I think they write it off after a certain number of years. They've written it off. They said to me... I've got a county court judgment because they asked me to start paying it back and I just went, oh, fuck off. I didn't even bother doing the deferment. And then they sent a letter going, there's a county court judgment against you. I'm like, what does that mean?

Starting point is 01:09:58 I don't pay anything. Okay, good. I got a letter last year saying, do you want to just write it all off? Just give us £600. And I was going to, because £600 in lieu of, what, a couple of grand? Yeah. It's great. But at the same time, my partner went, well, what about your credit? Is it going to deeply, dangerously affect your credit?

Starting point is 01:10:14 Which then puts you in the shit of getting a place to rent is going to be fucking hard. So anyway, so you've got the 500K debt. What milestone might you encounter in this hilarious adult parody of the Game of life game you'll pay the consequences of some pretty outrageous situations such as finding a photo of grandpa's toe fungus dropping your phone in the toilet or calling in sick to binge watch tv you might get a job get a divorce or get a botched tattoo who will be the first player to find relief from their crippling debt and win the game get ready to laugh out loud when you break out the Game of Life Quarterlife Crisis board game at parties, large and small, with get-togethers at friends. I'll be the judge of that.

Starting point is 01:10:51 Yeah, we will literally be the judges of that whole idea. So, this is the issue. I've played this with my partner, right? And it's fine. I've played board games with my partner. It's alright, she doesn't know she's my partner. I just say say play game. And then the woman turns up and I say, you're

Starting point is 01:11:08 my girlfriend now. And I reject this iComedy idea. Let's move on. So we're going to play it now. And because I've played it, I know kind of how it goes. And it's fine. But I'll tell you what I think is interesting about this game. The tone's unsettling. It starts off by saying, you've got debt

Starting point is 01:11:24 and life's shit and blah, blah, blah. But then the whole tone of it is like, you dropped your phone and you can't binge watch Netflix. And it's like, I've got 500K debt, mate. Yeah. As if you give a shit about that. Yeah. So here's how the game works. You go around the board collecting money.

Starting point is 01:11:39 As you get or lose it, you will move around an outer board, which is the debt board. And the first person to get to 500 wins because that means you've claimed your debt. Oh, I see. There are things along the way that I'll explain as we get to it, which is like loan cards. So if you have to pay rent or whatever and you don't have the money, you can get a loan card, which gives you money. But then you have to make sure all those loans are paid before you get to 500. Okay. We're going to play this to completion.

Starting point is 01:12:04 We're going to play it for half? We're going to play it for half an hour, and we might finish it in half an hour. Will the winner be the winner? Whoever's got the least debt at the end of half an hour. What if there's people with equal amount of debt remaining at the end of that time period? Then I shall josh you both off, and whoever comes first

Starting point is 01:12:20 loses. But Daddy Gannon wins. Good. Fair enough. So I'm just going to set the time for half an hour. Is that in the official Hasbro rules? It definitely is. It actually says here, if there is a joint winner at the end of half an hour gameplay, Paul Gannon, paulgannonshow at gmail.com

Starting point is 01:12:37 will toss you off for a prize. For a prize? A bag of sweets will do. It's got to be Haribo, though. He's going to add that. No wonder you've been so busy this week, mate. You've been all over the place visiting people's houses.

Starting point is 01:12:52 I have been up to no good. Right, 30 minutes. Right, good. We're ready to go. Are there dice? There are. A spinner. Oh.

Starting point is 01:13:01 So. Who's going first? You can go first. Before we go anywhere, I need to explain what the setup is. I know. So you take your car and you move around the board. But before we get further, you've got to pick a house and a job.

Starting point is 01:13:12 That's the first thing. So I'm going to shuffle the cards and offer you to pick two. And out of the two, you pick the one you want best, which is usually the one that pays you the most money. Okay. So. I'm ready to select. We'll do this first.

Starting point is 01:13:23 I've got the cards here. Eli, I'm just going to shuffle them Shuffle shuffle Shuffle shuffle Here we go I'll pick any two you like One from here One from

Starting point is 01:13:32 There And pick one of those jobs Do I tell you? Yeah You pick whichever one you want But ideally it's the one with the most money Doesn't matter They're exactly the same these two

Starting point is 01:13:41 But Alright I think Pro gamer Is better than fitness guru. Right, you're a pro gamer now. And look, you know who his side gig is? What?

Starting point is 01:13:50 Energy drink endorser. Right, so what... Well, I won't be endorsing that fucking Rubicon Raw, that's for fucking sure. Your side gig on the job card basically means... There should be a number next to it? Yes. What does it say? Whenever someone spins three, the bank pays you 20k.

Starting point is 01:14:04 So even if it's not your go when someone spins a three, you'll get that money for your side job. Sweet. All right. So same for you. Now, I'm going to shuffle these cards. Same for you, Tom. Fitness guru.

Starting point is 01:14:15 What a load of shit. That one and that one. There you go. Two jobs. Aspiring DJ. Oh, here we go. Aspiring DJ. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 01:14:24 The jobs are all so fucking I don't want to say trendy or edgy But they're all like Well they're trying to be aren't they They're trying to be all modern Yeah I mean it says Aspiring DJ

Starting point is 01:14:32 Or your side gig is Rap star's bodyguard Okay Like all these built DJs Walking around apparently Or personal injury lawyer Or side gig Professional snuggler

Starting point is 01:14:44 That sounds creepy. Well, creepy. That's just like a sex pest. That's like an ASMR sort of thing. Right, I'm going to be the DJ, because I don't want to be that weird creepy hug person. That's weird. Right, so what's your side gig number?

Starting point is 01:14:55 One. So if someone rolls a Ron, you get however much it says on that card. Right, and I'm going to do it again now. I'm going to take two out. I've actually gone for a job that pays less because it's about the art, guys. It certainly is.

Starting point is 01:15:08 It's about being an aspiring DJ. How much does this, if you don't mind me asking, how much does an aspiring DJ make? You should know that you earn 50K a year from aspiring DJing this. Fuck. So I have got web designer. My salary is 70K,

Starting point is 01:15:22 which means every time I land on payday, I get 70K. If I get married in the game, then that salary jumps up to 80K. Right. Because you're married and apparently when you're married, you get paid more in a job,

Starting point is 01:15:33 which as we all know, is not fucking true. Oh, that's what the thing is. Yeah, with the ring. Oh. Yeah, apparently if I get married, they can only earn 20K. Like, what kind of system is this?

Starting point is 01:15:42 No, it's so weird. Like, you get an extra 10K if you're marriedk there's some weird power play going on in that marriage yeah what's she doing she wants to be a dj herself but she hasn't let you know oh my side gig is professional troll and everyone someone spends a four spins a four the bank pays you 20k so that's my one now for the houses houses same problem this is where you're going to rent now opposite of the job'll want a cheaper rent. Two cards for you, like. Unless it's for the love of the

Starting point is 01:16:07 location. Does it say where they are? It tells you on the card, yeah. Shared flat. Six flatmates, one toilet, no boundaries. Or houseboat. At least something in your life is anchored. This is depressing, isn't it? Yeah, right?

Starting point is 01:16:23 This game makes you laugh at the idea of your life being a fucking rotten mess. Now, the shared flat is less, but it just depresses me to even do that symbolically. It's about what you want in your life. It's about what I need to be true

Starting point is 01:16:40 to myself. True, but you are trying to clear your debt, remember? I'd much prefer to live on a houseboat. It's not about winning for me, I just want to have a good midlife crisis. I'm a pro gamer and I live on a houseboat. Like it, you know? Wow, I get a studio flat, open the fridge from your bed

Starting point is 01:16:55 or parents' basement and it still smells like your dead hamster. Who are the zany guys who came up with these gags? I do still live with my parents So you know what I mean I'm definitely not paying them Ten grand a year

Starting point is 01:17:08 But This does feel to me Like it's Like a bunch of 60 year olds Who've gone How can we market it To young people But then they're just

Starting point is 01:17:17 Taking the piss out of young people It's like the cards Against humanification Of all games Isn't it You see what I mean, Paul? Do you understand what I'm saying? So I've got garden flat or city penthouse.

Starting point is 01:17:30 Lol, can you afford this? That's what the card says. Oh, fuck off, mate. Garden flat. It's just a basement without windows. 20k or 50k for city penthouse. Well, I'm going to obviously go for the garden flat. Okay.

Starting point is 01:17:41 Right, now we can play the game. Eli, do you want to go first? Yes, please. Then Tom, then me. Okay, do I spin the spinner? We're going to start playing now. Time starts. So you spin the spinner,

Starting point is 01:17:56 and whatever the arrow lands on is your moves, and I'll talk you through each round. So he's spinning the wheel. What number is it? I can't, I don't understand this. Where's the arrow pointing? Three. I'll give you three. So you can move three spaces in your car. Which way do you want to go? One, two, wait there.

Starting point is 01:18:16 All right, cool. Next. Oh, does Eli get money for that? No. Was yours number three on your card? What did you roll on your card? What card did you roll? I get 20k. 20k. So, obviously, you're wondering,

Starting point is 01:18:29 why did I not give out money? You don't start with money in this game. You only get it as you play. All right, now what do I do with it? Just hold on to it for now. And then... All right. Ah, I forgot the other bit.

Starting point is 01:18:38 Fucking hell. We've got to put... Yeah, that's what I was thinking. We've got to go... Blue. So, we now... So, you're on 20. So, that goes there. was thinking. We've got to go blue. So we now... So you're on 20, so that goes there. Well, why do I have to hold these?

Starting point is 01:18:48 Because you need to count your money and spend and all this kind of stuff. Right, and then what is green? Here we go. So that's there. Okay. All right, we're ready to go. You've still got to do...

Starting point is 01:18:58 Hang on. What have I got to do? You've got to do an action king as well. So play. On your turn, spin. Have you passed any of these? Then draw an action card. Do what it says, and then you count it up.

Starting point is 01:19:09 So draw an action card. Eli from the top. I'll read it out. Thank you. Read my action card. Divorce. Some things are unforgivable. If you have a spouse peg, remove it from your card.

Starting point is 01:19:18 I ain't got no spouse peg, mister. Well, then you go. Don't worry about it. You don't have to do nothing. That's a bullshit card then, isn't it? Yeah. Fuck it. Spin it, Tom. Spin the spinner. Spin't worry about it. You don't have to do nothing. That's a bullshit card then, isn't it? Yeah. Like, fuck it. Spin it, Tom.

Starting point is 01:19:25 Spin the spinner. Spin it. Another three. Another three. I'll get another 20 grand, please. Yeah, Eli's doing well for himself. Give me that money. Three.

Starting point is 01:19:35 There you go. And move my thing up. Three. All right, cool. And then draw an action card. Okay. And the action card is Smoking Hot. If you've got it, flaunt it.

Starting point is 01:19:43 Keep this card and play it any time to protect yourself from divorce or be a master of seduction I don't know what that means well you just re-fuck your wife

Starting point is 01:19:52 re-fuck your wife she goes I want a divorce you go look look at that look at how good I'm fucking you now right I'm standing up and then she'd be like

Starting point is 01:20:01 I don't want a divorce that fuck was so amazing that's what that card's saying. Yeah, it is. I'm simply saying what the card is saying. Your fucking is guaranteed to solve any

Starting point is 01:20:10 of your marital problems. I've got a twizzle bit stuck in my dick like a new machine it is. Right, moving fucking swiftly on. My spin. It's like if someone

Starting point is 01:20:17 went to like, you know, marriage counselling, I'm going to fuck them and then, oh, we're fine then. We're all good, you know. I promise to fuck her better.

Starting point is 01:20:27 Six. Here's my card. One, two, three, four. Payday. Who's six? Who gets paid on a six? Does anyone get paid on a six? No, no one.

Starting point is 01:20:35 So I get paid 70k. Why? What? On payday. He's just making this shit up already, isn't he? I'm not. Hang on. Pay and six.

Starting point is 01:20:43 So one, two, three, four, five, six. Our rent. And my rent is... And now pay the bloody rent, mate. this up already isn't it i'm not hang on pay and six so one two three four five six our rent and my rent is the bloody rent mate 20k so that goes back into the play that to me no don't pay it to you i paid to the bank and i've got 50k so i move on the debt board outside well even even though you've paid it you move up the debt board well he's only gone to 50 he got 70 paid 20 rent oh i's in your hand. So the idea is that you may be making enough money to pay it all off. You're not actually

Starting point is 01:21:08 putting money aside, which is, you know, what you do to pay off debt. That's what I mean. It's weird. It's weird to have the money when you're keeping score there anyway.

Starting point is 01:21:15 It's a bit superfluous. Eli, roll again. But it's nice to have a watch in your hand, isn't it? Rolling for you. No roll for me. I'm rolling for you.

Starting point is 01:21:23 That was a terrible roll. All right, I'll do another one. I want to do it. All right. You're for me. I'm rolling for you. That was a terrible roll. All right, I'll do another one. I want to do it. All right. You're breaking it. Do it. Fuck off. Two.

Starting point is 01:21:31 Anyone's got a two? No, I've not got a two. All right, okay. In that case, two. So, you're blue, aren't you? I have to keep going that way? Yeah. One, two.

Starting point is 01:21:38 So, you've had payday. What's your rent? What's your payday money? Why? I haven't landed on payday. No, but you've passed through it. If you pass through payday, you Why? I haven't landed on payday. No, but you've passed through it. If you pass through payday, you get money?

Starting point is 01:21:47 Yes. 80k. Fucking hell. Jesus Christ. For being a pro gamer, mate. 80. I'm pretty sure 1% of pro gamers earn that per week. No, it's not per week.

Starting point is 01:22:01 That's a yearly thing. Well, then, no. It can't be yearly, because every time you roll the dice, it's a year of your life. It must be. I mean, yeah, I guess. No one makes fucking 180k a week. That's a yearly thing. Well, then, no. It can't be yearly because every time you roll the dice it's a year of your life. It must be. I mean, yeah, I guess. No one makes fucking 180k a week. Maybe it's monthly then. Maybe every roll is a month of your life in this game.

Starting point is 01:22:12 Okay. I never really figured out how much time progresses during the game of life in game. No, it must be a year. A salary is a year. I know, but... No, it's meant to be weekly, isn't it? Or monthly.

Starting point is 01:22:21 Either way... No one makes 80k a month playing Mario. Well, lots of people make 80k a month playing Mario. Or another game. But it's probably a small number. Yeah, like the Top N guys who own a Let's Play channel on YouTube. I don't know. Are they pro gamers or are they YouTube creators?

Starting point is 01:22:35 I'm not a success. I don't know what success looks like. No, you fucking don't. No, I really fucking don't. You're not looking at it now, are you? No, I'm literally not looking at it right now. I'm not looking at you. I'm literally looking at the failure of my life right now.

Starting point is 01:22:46 Sorry, Tom. You'll go. Roll the bean. Roll the bean? I'm enjoying it. Oh, wait. Did you do an action card? No, you've got to do an action card.

Starting point is 01:22:54 I haven't done an action card. Read my action card out. Divorce. Got another divorce card. I keep getting divorced. In a way, it's quite impressive to get divorced twice without getting married. Yeah. Well, there's no room for a lady on my houseboat.

Starting point is 01:23:06 Just me and my cats. That is three now, though. So three. Three, Kate. Oh, my God. He's cleaning up. Your side hustle is doing really well. Have you put me up as well?

Starting point is 01:23:15 You haven't put me up. Oh, I've got payday. Have you moved my outer ring? So payday is what? I get paid 50 grand. 50, and then your rent is what? 10 grand. So I'll give you

Starting point is 01:23:25 40 then. Boom. See, this is the weird thing about this game. It's fiddly and complicated, and there's lots to kind of keep track of, per go. Yeah. It's not that bad. I mean, you've got it down. Now, have you moved me up to where I should be? Oh, do I get an action card?

Starting point is 01:23:41 Yeah. See what I mean? I'm already losing track. What are you on? How much money have you got, Eli? 140,000. Oh, this is interesting. It says, late night with friends. And it says, suffer the consequences of staying past your bedtime, which means I pay 10 grand. And then it says...

Starting point is 01:23:57 That's quite expensive. D for dare. It says, name the player most likely to flirt their way out of a speeding ticket. Okay, so here's what happens. When you pull an action card and it gives you a dare option, it means you can either just do it like you just did, or you can do the dare, and that means you hand the card on to someone else. It's not really much of a dare, is it?

Starting point is 01:24:13 I can just go, Eli. Thank you, I think it would be me. I would like to forego the dare part of these cards because they're boring. He's cutting stuff. Text your friend that you like eggs. Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun. But I think it would be Eli to flirt his way out. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:27 How much money have you got now? 30? I'd say hello, officer. I'd say hello, officer. Is that a truncheon? Or are you just pleased to have beat me with it? Right. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:24:37 My go. Hello, officer. Like that. All flirty. Spin, spin, spin the wheel. Another three. 20K. Smack three. 20k. Smack it.

Starting point is 01:24:49 You've earned more money in your side hustle. Yeah. Right, so. What is my side hustle? And I go three spaces, which is I'm pink. So I go one, two, three. Hey, Dave. Energy drink endorser, mate.

Starting point is 01:24:59 Yeah, yeah. I'm endorsing all the big boys. Monster, Red Bull, Rubicon Raw. Did Fanta pay you off? Now my action card. Here we go. Find your first grey hair. One strand closer to turning into your parents.

Starting point is 01:25:12 Pay the bank ten grand. Pay the bank ten grand. Do I have to pay ten grand because my vagueness... It's for hair dye. What? It's not just for men. The whole money,

Starting point is 01:25:22 they haven't really gone for realism with how much things cost or people make or anything like that, have they? So 110k I'm now at, so 110k. Bloody hell. So at the end of that round, Eli has 140k cleared of his debt, I have 110, and Tom has it 30k. Round two, I'm going to spin this thing.

Starting point is 01:25:39 Next go. But you see what I mean about the game being kind of really fiddly? You've got to do that, then do that, then take a card, then do that, and then do that. Two, two. Right. I'm beginning to think it's fucking always been two or three. No, I got two.

Starting point is 01:25:52 Give me ten again, then. Sorry. Two. I rolled a two. So what does that mean? See, I'm fucking losing track of this. Two. He moves two.

Starting point is 01:26:01 That's it, isn't it? No, I move two. I don't get 20 grand. What's going on? He's trying to give me 20 grand. You don't No, I move two. I don't get 20 grand. What's going on? He's trying to give me 20 grand. You don't just hand me 20 grand. I have to move two places. So, one.

Starting point is 01:26:10 Do you want to go there or there? There or there? There or there? Close to payday? Or that way? Go around that way. It's up to you. That way.

Starting point is 01:26:18 Great. Now an action card. I'll take the action card. Read me my action card if you would. Have a baby. Sure, you don't want to, but let's do it anyway. Wow, fucking hell. Add a peg to your car.

Starting point is 01:26:28 No money for this kid. Don't get greedy. So you've added a baby to your car. I haven't been married. How am I having a baby? You obviously, had someone come up to you at the end of the night, and then they said, play me ding-a-ling, and then the next minute you notice he's saying, it's your baby.

Starting point is 01:26:42 I said, say hello to Tronkers. Oh, it says here on the card you have to spin and if you get one or two, it's one baby. Three or four, it means you've got twins. Yeah. Or five or six is triplets. So what happens is when you land on the time to have a baby part, these stop signs.

Starting point is 01:26:58 Have I had a baby though? You have. Where's my baby peg? I'm putting it in your car now. Put my baby peg in the back of my car. Do you want a boy or a girl? A girl, please. A girl.

Starting point is 01:27:07 But usually when you get the baby in the car, you get money as well. Because that's the game. But because it's the car, you just get the baby and not the money. I don't understand that. Why do you get money for having a baby? I know, right? You don't get money for having a baby. In the game of life, you do.

Starting point is 01:27:21 How much money have you now got, Eli? I didn't make any money there. I was going to say, you're on the same net. All right, cool. Tom, spin the wheel. Nice spin. Give me a three. Five.

Starting point is 01:27:30 Five, okay. One, two, three, four. Do you want to go that way for payday? Yes, that way, yeah. Five. He's on payday. All right, 50 grand. So, how much money?

Starting point is 01:27:40 50. Yeah, here we go. There you go. Now for your action card, which is... Do-do-do. Big weekend plans. Go home, take off the trousers, and never leave the sofa. Collect 20k from the bank.

Starting point is 01:27:53 Another 20k. And which money is that overall now? 150. So you are now... Who's paying me for that? No, 100, sorry. 100. Okay, so there you go.

Starting point is 01:28:02 Who's paying me for that wanking on the sofa? No one's paying anyone for that. I've got 20 grand for it, sorry. 100. Okay, so there you go. Who's paying me for that wanking on this over? No one's paying anyone for that. I've got 20 grand for it, apparently. You've got 20 grand for taking your pants off and having a good old rum and tug on your fucking couch. I don't get it. Rum and tug? Rum and tug.

Starting point is 01:28:13 Is that where you get some Bacardi and have a look? And I put my leg up like that. Why? So you can tug it? And I go, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I rum and I tug it and I have some fun. Something like that. I don't fucking know.

Starting point is 01:28:24 Right. My go. I like it when the game's boring, so Paul has to do bits. Three again. Yeah. I'm paying for you. Hit me with my 20 grand. I'll take 20 grand for no reason.

Starting point is 01:28:35 Thank you. I'll do three spaces, which is one, two, three. So stop and spouse. So I get my payday, which is 70k. Great. And then the spouse. What happens with the spouse card? Spouse, on your turn.

Starting point is 01:28:48 If you're single, add a peg. If you're married, get a divorce. I'm going to get married to a man I've kept my eye on for a while. Where? Where is he? It's not a real man. Where have I put my pegs? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:28:58 Where's my washboard? Do you know what? This game is shit. I've dropped my pegs. Right, here's my man. He's called Darren, and he's a firefighter. Is he a real man, or is he someone you saw in a calendar? He's a man in a calendar.

Starting point is 01:29:12 Right, right. So, I also get me payday. I've got that. Now me action card. And you have to push me up, because I got 20k. 20k? Congrats, Eli. You got 20k?

Starting point is 01:29:22 What does that mean? I got 20k. All right, good. Can you push me up? Blue. He's blue. Now in front, Eli. You got 20k. What does that mean? I got 20k. All right, good. Can you push me up? Blue. He's blue. He's blue. I'm in front, baby.

Starting point is 01:29:29 Don't put me down. You've lost money, so you're on the front. I didn't lose money. You rolled a three, and I got another 20k. So what are you on? Whatever I was on, plus 20. Count your money. He's on 160, 160.

Starting point is 01:29:41 Count your money. 150. 150, is it? No. Oh, my God. All you've got to do is keep track of your fucking cash. How much money have 150. 150, is it? No. Oh, my God. All you've got to do is keep track of your fucking cash. How much money have you got in the hand? Right now.

Starting point is 01:29:50 How much money have you got? It's that simple. Count it up. Wow. Anger. But it's just like the simplest thing. If you had some basic math ability, you'd be able to just add it on the board. I don't have to count your cash.

Starting point is 01:30:02 How much money have you got? That's 150, 160, 170, 180. Right, you're on 180. Thank you. Does that include the 20k? Still my go, by the way. Fuck it up. Meet your new boss, your college housemate,

Starting point is 01:30:15 whose food you used to eat. Time for a new job. Swap job cards with any player. Ha, ha, ha. Eli, I'm swapping with you. Why? Because I can. Yeah, but you don't... I don't care.

Starting point is 01:30:29 Swap in it. Give me your card. You've got a better salary than me. Yeah, I have to swap jobs. That's what the card says. You don't have to. I need to swap jobs. You don't have to. He's got real manic. He's got real manic. He's got... Mate, just play this. And I'm already losing faith. I'm going to win. You know that. Give me your card then. Swap cards. You know I'm going to win this. You know I've won this already.

Starting point is 01:30:45 Does that mean I'm changing my job? Yeah, and your special number. I'm a web designer now. Oh, I'm sorry, mate. 150, 60, 70, 80. What's my side gig? Professional troll. God, this is a sad card.

Starting point is 01:30:57 It's more accurate, though. Now, no, no. Now it's your go, Eli. Because that was my go and it took forever. All right, I'll streamline this process. No, just do it normally. Spin. Five. Move the pegs. So, five.

Starting point is 01:31:11 One, two. Spouts. Stop. No, I don't stop. I go past it. Because you're going through, you have to stop on that. I roll a five, though. Yeah, no, but you only get to go two because of the stop sign. I didn't hear you say that. You never said that. Now you've got to get married. You never said that.

Starting point is 01:31:26 Do you want to get married? Now I better get married, do I? Yes. Yes, please. And now you can earn more money. All right. So what would you like? A man or a woman in your car?

Starting point is 01:31:33 Can I have a lady? Right. I've got a lady and a little daughter now. Two ladies and a daughter. So I got married, did I? Yeah. That's nice, isn't it? Spouse stop.

Starting point is 01:31:43 That was why that was called spouse stop, because you have to stop and get married. Yes. Okay. Now, your action card. Don't I get any money for getting married? No. Are you sure? But it means your money goes up when you pass a payday. Fucking better do. Back to school, it says, Eli. Oh. All the crippling debt minus the uni parties

Starting point is 01:31:59 on unlimited meal plans. Pay the bank 50k. Fuck off! Wow. So give us 50. Oh, he's angry now. Oh, that hurts. Which means you've got what now? How much money?

Starting point is 01:32:13 50 less than I'm on there. Right, one, two, three, four. No, no, no. You're... Tom, I'm losing the will to live, mate, and I don't blame you if you're also checking out mentally, but it is your go next

Starting point is 01:32:25 no I'm loving this experience I have a fine action card I didn't get an action card you did that was the one about you having to pay 50k oh yeah Christ

Starting point is 01:32:31 it's a terrible action card this is as depressing as real life at the moment this is horrific I don't know what's going on I'm losing money free

Starting point is 01:32:39 free that means I get 20k no I get it no you don't because you don't have that job no more shit ha ha ha ha right I mean he's fucking exploiting a deformed roller That means I get 20k. No, I get it. No, you don't because you don't have that job no more. Shit. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 01:32:46 Right. He's fucking exploiting a deformed roller. That way. Okay. Stop. Job. Now you have to swap your jobs because you got... Why? Because you landed on the job square.

Starting point is 01:32:55 So now you're going to lose that job. Another two. So I give you two. Oh, I see. So put that one back. Oh, I'm no longer a DJ. What have we got there, Tom? What are your options?

Starting point is 01:33:03 Pet sitter. That sounds shit. Here comes the pet sitter. Murderer. Good. I'll no longer a DJ. What have we got there, Tom? What are your options? Petsitter. That sounds shit. Here comes the Petsitter. Murderer. Good. I'll choose it for that. I'll choose Petsitter because I like the song. There we go.

Starting point is 01:33:12 Fair enough. I'm a lyrical dog man. Now for your action card. All right, cool. What am I doing? Microwave ramen catches fire. There goes the dinner and the fire alarm. That's bullshit.

Starting point is 01:33:26 They haven't done their research. 30k for a microwave ramen? How would a microwave noodle catch fire? You tell me. It's totally liquid. It wouldn't catch fire. Right, so what am I down to now? Like, 70k? 50, 60, 70. What happens? You burn your house down? This is depressing. You're playing a game

Starting point is 01:33:42 and even the game's going, yeah, you're still poor playing this, mate this mate Jesus I know This isn't It's not very amusing is it Well no You go around the board whimsically thinking what older middle aged people

Starting point is 01:33:50 think the younger generation are about to suffer It is almost like a sneery sort of the boomers looking at the millennial sort of thing isn't it My go

Starting point is 01:33:59 Be careful What's it going to land on That's a good spin Best spin we've had A bit of vibration but overall good. One. I ain't got one.

Starting point is 01:34:08 No, I've got four now. I've got four as well. We both get paid if you spin a four. Oh, come on, Paul. Start working on cheating at that. Yeah, all right. We'll try it. One.

Starting point is 01:34:17 Action card. Action card. Oh, no. Get the runs during an important work meeting. Yeah, shit everywhere. Why have I got to pay 10k? Because I shat my pants at work. Because they made you pay for the carpet cleaning or something.

Starting point is 01:34:30 So 10k back and back. That can really mount up, carpet cleaning. Eli's go. I'm coming to spin it. He's off to spin it. Have you ever shat yourself at work, Paul? No, but I came close once. You know when you're heading into work on a bus or whatever

Starting point is 01:34:42 and you're biting down on it? You're biting down on it? Yeah, when you've got it clenched Because you know it's going to come out So I literally walked in like that Just shuffling along Through the gates, car didn't work I'm thinking, oh, oh, oh

Starting point is 01:34:56 Sweep, beep, beep, beep, bading Walked through What was that? Went straight through the office Is it an Italian there? No, it's one of those gates where you swipe through One of those swipe through gates And it went bading, did it? Yeah And I had to go through the office to get to the toilet And everyone's like is there an Italian there no it's one of those gates where you swipe through one of those swipe through gates and it went ba-ding did it

Starting point is 01:35:05 yeah and I had to go through the office to get to the toilet and everyone's like morning Paul I'm like walking along clenchy clenchy clenchy

Starting point is 01:35:12 jumped down the toilet and it all just went you jumped down the toilet yeah Jesus Christ jumped down onto the toilet I literally went down the toilet why did you do that

Starting point is 01:35:21 you jumped into the toilet drop the pants drop the pants he Drop the pants. He's doing something you can't see, but it's very amusing. I'm going to put it here. It steals the toilet. You're going to hurt yourself now, Paul. Drop the pants.

Starting point is 01:35:33 No, that was pretty good. Drop the pants. Straight on. All came tumbling out. There's your answer. Regret asking it? Good. I just rolled a one, baby, and that means I get 20k.

Starting point is 01:35:45 Right. You get what means I get 20k. Right. You get what, sorry? 20k. Right. And move me up 20k, please. And you've all, you've had one space. No, I haven't moved my space yet.

Starting point is 01:35:54 Yeah, no, that's it. I've just done it for you. Okay. Now your action card. Now my action card. Fired. You posted what online? Return your job card to the deck, shuffle and draw a new one.

Starting point is 01:36:03 All right. Right. What did you post online? Well, I'm a web designer, so I probably... I don't know. Just a human tongue piercing a dried poo. Sorry, I don't know why I'm trying to outgross everyone. Pick two of these. No, I just picked one.

Starting point is 01:36:17 Listen, read the bloody instructions, mate. I put this back and I shuffle, then I pick one. So you can't shuffle it again. Give it shuffle. Stop wasting time with your obsession with shuffling cards. Come on. I've got a sweat on now because I did my jumping. Personal injury lawyer.

Starting point is 01:36:35 Watch your ass. That's your catchphrase for your company. Wash your ass, everyone. Watch your ass. Right. Okay, that's all right. Which one have you got now? 20 more. 20 more. So, what colour. Watch your ass. Right. Okay, that's alright. How much money have you got now? 20 more.

Starting point is 01:36:46 20 more. So, what colour are you? Blue? Yes. Tom, your go. Right. Here we go. Spinny spin spin. Come on. Oh, is that a five? Fuck's sake. It's a five. So who gets a bonus? Me.

Starting point is 01:36:58 How much was your bonus? Another 20? Yep. Oh, what the hell? You changed number and you're still getting it. You're actually making more money from your side gig than you are on your proper job. I know. Can you move me up, please? One, two, three, four, five. Payday.

Starting point is 01:37:10 Yay. Which is what? 60K. 60K. Are you married? Nope. Oh. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:37:16 Action card. Action card. Adopt a dog. What? Someone to love you unconditionally despite your poor life choices. Oh, fuck off. Collect 10K from the bank. That makes no sense.

Starting point is 01:37:27 Can you move me up, moving myself up to 170 there? Who's paying me 10K to adopt a dog? So how much money have you got now? 50, 60, 70, 80? I don't know what's happened now. How much money have you got in your hand? I've got 140 somehow. There you go.

Starting point is 01:37:40 140, there we go. Probably from the dog somehow. It's because you got paid. It's that big dog money. Yeah, the dog shits out money. It's lovely. we go. Probably from the dog somehow. Yeah, it's because you got paid. It's that big dog money. Yeah, the dog shits out money. It's lovely. My go. Oh, another nice spin.

Starting point is 01:37:50 It's got great action on this spinner. Do you get money for five now? Oh, yeah, 20k, please. Fuck's sake. You could have let that go. Thank you. Oh, sorry. What are you going to go for?

Starting point is 01:38:01 One, two, three, four, five. Pay the rent. Payday first, then rent. So payday is 80k. This game sucks ass. And then my rent is 20k. I put 20 back. Then I do my action call.

Starting point is 01:38:13 Fuck this game. You've got to move your cash. Call in sick so you can keep binge watching in those sweats you've been wearing for three days straight. It's all just binge watching TV. Collect 20k from the bank. Again. What? You've called in sick.

Starting point is 01:38:28 I can't come in today. I'm very poorly, and the bank's given me 20k, so why would I fucking come in to work? Yeah, these people, they've not worked in retail, have they? No. I don't think the people who made this game

Starting point is 01:38:38 have ever worked. At all. They're just a bunch of gnomes who live in Hasbro. But all the cards are just like, you're a cunt, and you either lose or get money. Yeah, it's arbitrary, isn't it? 250. You moved the cards are just like, you're a cunt. And you either lose or get money. It's arbitrary, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:38:47 250. Eli, it's your go. Six minutes left. So far, I've cleared the most debt, but Eli gets a six. I get money for getting a six, don't I? No, just for five.

Starting point is 01:39:03 No, but I get something for a six. No one gets anything for a six, don't I? No, just for five. No, but I get something for a six. No, you don't. No one gets anything for a six. Not in this game. So you can get rent and then you get paid, then you rent. So what do you pay? How much is your pay? My pay is 70k, but I'm married, aren't I?

Starting point is 01:39:17 Yeah. 100k. How much is your rent? My rent, I still live in a houseboat, even though I'm a personal injury lawyer. Does that sound right? Trendy though, edgy. 40K. So I'm going to give you...

Starting point is 01:39:27 60. Whoa. Tom, your go. Spin the merry wheel of life. They're on the same bit at the moment, everyone. Four. Four. Has anyone got four?

Starting point is 01:39:37 No. Yes, I do. I get 20K. Hey. Four for you. So where do you want to go? Just that way. Same way, I think.

Starting point is 01:39:44 So you are green, aren't you, so one, two You have to pay rent, how much is that? 10k Right, and then your action card Action card, house party Okay, why was there a pizza under the sofa? Fuck off Choose the player who's most likely to

Starting point is 01:40:02 ruin a party They'll pay you 20k So out of me and Eli, which one do you think of us two is likely to ruin a party. They'll pay you 20k. So out of me and Eli, which one do you think of us two is going to ruin your party? Careful. If you ever... I mean, just look at us. Just look at him. Who's more party?

Starting point is 01:40:13 And look at me. And we're both invited to the party. And I'm like, all right, mate, I've got some bottles for you. Don't try and make imaginary bottles. I bought you your favourite drink of whatever alcohol you like. He's trying to bribe his imaginary person. I mean, as you've turned up, he's like, where's the booze? Where's my drink?

Starting point is 01:40:27 I wouldn't do that. I'd bring a bottle. I'll put my music on. I'll put my music on. He's got a point there. Yeah, I see. No, but I mean, so far this episode, Paul has told me about shitting himself and Eli said he wants someone to eat shit off his arse, so I'm really... And 20 gays. Yeah, I'm really struggling to separate you both. I'll take it

Starting point is 01:40:43 off Paul. Oh, you trash. You little shit. both I'll take it off Paul Oh, you cat You little shit 20k then It's the truth, Ruth And it's my go Sorry, Paul But you did shit yourself Yeah, I know

Starting point is 01:40:54 It was good, though Four Yay, 20k Oh, shit Here we go Four Oh, plus 50k Wow

Starting point is 01:41:02 Great action card My action card says School reunion Your old PE teacher is looking pretty hot Oh, plus 50k. Wow. Great. Action card. And my action card says, school reunion. Your old PE teacher is looking pretty hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, we've moved Paul up. Eli, you've moved him. All right, I'm spinning.

Starting point is 01:41:14 Eli, you spin. What fun. Two. Right, so which way do you want to go? One, two. Obviously, you're there as well. You'll get plus 50 as well. Oh, my God. Heat it up here.

Starting point is 01:41:24 And the action card says, bed bugs, courtesy of your nomadic flatmate and their low well. Oh, my God. Heat it up here. And the action card says, bed bugs, courtesy of your nomadic flatmate and their low standards. Oh, no. Choose the player most likely to wake up in a strange place. They will pay you 20K. Wow. Paul gives 20K. I think it's going to be fair.

Starting point is 01:41:36 Of course. I'm not going to... You're bullshit. I'm not going to... Right. So, Paul goes there. Eli goes there. I think that's right.

Starting point is 01:41:45 No, is that true? That's true. I've got 320, is that right? That's right then, yeah. I've got a six, nothing happens for a six, I don't think. No, no. Where's my action card? What happened?

Starting point is 01:41:55 That's 100k! Yeah! Here we go. What happened to my action card? We did it, remember, I paid you the thing. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Oh, he's caught up considerably. Oh, what's my action card?

Starting point is 01:42:08 Action card. Here we go. Fired for watching viral videos all day. Return your card to the thing and get a new one. Oh, I didn't do that. Oh, you need a new job. What was your job? Pet sitter. Yeah, that was a terrible job anyway. Okay, now I'm going to be an aspiring DJ again.

Starting point is 01:42:24 He's back, baby. He didn't work out for you. Too much shit in the apartment. Come on, baby. Five. Right, where am I? Five, that's me. Oh, he tried to...

Starting point is 01:42:36 I get 20k for the five. Please, thank you. Paul's just ahead of Eli. That's the one I just literally used for you. I put it on the top. Did you add my 20? Yeah. Move out.

Starting point is 01:42:51 You're starting to suspect the little old lady next door is a serial killer. Return your house to the thing and get a new one. All right, so I'll just do that. And I'm going to... Perhaps she's a serial entrepreneur. Just as bad. Right. Shuffle, shuffle.

Starting point is 01:43:04 And my new job is... Oh, no, my new house is tiny house. Bunk beds, 30k. I'll fucking take that. But I don't have to, because the game is about to end in five, four, three, two, one. Fuck off.

Starting point is 01:43:31 so let's stop the game and see who's cleared the most debt in third place with 290 yay is tom yay eli how much have you got i'll count it hang on that's 150 i mean at the end of the game, we're all still in debt, so we're all fucked. 200. It's a bit of a hollow victory for you, really. I don't know why it takes you so long to count money. 300. Shut up.

Starting point is 01:43:53 Come on. 340. 340. There you go. 340. I've got 370. Paul Gannon is the winner of the Game of Life quarter-life crisis. I don't know how to feel about this game i don't

Starting point is 01:44:06 like it it's the tone that i don't like it's the whole thing of yeah life shit now and everyone's got debt but don't worry because we've got wacky jobs and shit weird things happen what are you meant to derive from this is it meant to be funny i don't you know what i mean i don't understand there's no strategy there's no strategy there's not much strategy what okay you can pick which direction you go and that's it yeah because like there's the danger road's not much strategy what okay you can pick which direction you go and that's it yeah because like there's the danger road

Starting point is 01:44:26 there's the job the family the kids there's no strategy and it's just not funny enough what did you think Tom well it did say it was supposed to be

Starting point is 01:44:33 hilarious or something but it just wasn't hilarious it just makes me angry like it's not very it's just like yeah you're miserable

Starting point is 01:44:39 ah what fun roll the dice you might get a job as a cat fitter or something I don't know. Have sex with your teacher. Bank gives you 20k.

Starting point is 01:44:47 Yeah, what the fuck's that about? I didn't like it. And also the artwork on it is very much that sort of, you know, that sort of design, online design sort of, do you know what I'm getting at? The sort of look. I find it strange how it's kind of probably designed for millennials, but none of the design actually makes me think,

Starting point is 01:45:05 yeah, young people would like this. No, it's very bland, and it's just sort of people with no faces. Well, as you said also, Eli, it's pink for women, blue for men. It's still very, like, 1940s gendered bullshit. And everyone depicted, unless I'm mistaken, on the board is white as well, aren't they?

Starting point is 01:45:20 Yes, because that's the interesting thing about this game is that, like we said before, it looks like a bunch of much older people designed the game that they thought younger people would want to play but younger people wouldn't find this funny so the only people going to find this funny are people our age and older who think young people being in debt is funny yeah i know it just doesn't make sense and it doesn't make sense but they you think they've probably got gag writers there's people who write for board games aren't there i don't know i honestly don't know well they must have proper sort of's people who write for board games, aren't there? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

Starting point is 01:45:45 Well, they must have proper sort of comedy writers to write for Cards Against Humanity or whatever, those ones. Yeah, but they're in-house, aren't they? Like, their job is that game, whereas something like this is probably, once it's packaged out the door, it's done.

Starting point is 01:45:55 I can't imagine ever having the desire to play that game ever again in my life. I mean, I don't think it's unplayable, but what I think is, it's like, if it's trying to be satirical, it's not. And if you want to think of it as a parody it's also not yeah as it stands it's like a very specific millennial white hipster coffee shop owning yes ipad owning character who will never

Starting point is 01:46:16 play this game caricature isn't it it's a caricature of b have of being sort of 25 you know in terms of is it a playable game yeah i'd give it an 8 or 9 out of 10. Really? But is it a good... Why? Because as a game, structurally... There's no fun. There's no strategy.

Starting point is 01:46:30 There's nothing. You just get money. You just have to keep counting. It's boring. In terms of playing it, I think the mechanics of it is fine. I think the theme and the idea behind it is where it lets it down.

Starting point is 01:46:39 And I would say, you know, it's like a 2 or 3. Okay, I didn't like it at all. No, I think you've got some proper comedy writers. You can make something interesting and funny and satirical, but that's just like... It's failing to do that. It's just lazy as fuck.

Starting point is 01:46:51 It really is. It kind of is lazy, because even down to the presentation of the game itself, it is... Don't like the design, don't like the game. I don't. Sometimes I don't like myself, aspects of myself. Right, well, this game is...

Starting point is 01:47:04 Well, I tell you what if nothing else this game has really made us consider our own place in life and I think Eli you're really taking losing badly no I was

Starting point is 01:47:11 I was way ahead for so long this is the way it goes with Eli I'm sorry if he wins he's the master of this excellent game

Starting point is 01:47:16 and if he loses it's your fault I know I'd still criticise the game even if I had one yes not much though.

Starting point is 01:47:43 And just like that another episode of Cheap Show is gone into the ether. It's past your ears and into your heart. So thank you for supporting us on Patreon, if indeed you do. And if you'd like to, give what you can, but only if you can. It is patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And when you get... It's patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

Starting point is 01:47:59 Can we get little Jimmy Big Boy, whatever his fucking name is, out of here? What was he called? Big Boy Timmy. Yeah, Jimmy Big Boy. Jimmy Big Boy. Every character is Chimmy out of here. What was he called? Big Boy Timmy. Yeah, Jimmy Big Boy. Jimmy Big Boy. Every character is Chimmy Bimmy Dimmy. It's just awful. I know.

Starting point is 01:48:09 It's a good name for the character. It's pretty unoriginal, aren't it? There we go. The admin's out the fucking window. How about Chonkus? Jimmy Chonkus. No, Chonkus is mine. No, I don't think we can appropriate him.

Starting point is 01:48:19 I am Chonkus. He always does that. I think that would be Gannon Appropriation if we called him that. Yeah. Right, anyway. Patreon.com forward slash cheap shit.

Starting point is 01:48:30 Patreon.com forward slash cheap shit. This is already going to be a problem. I can see it. That was Gannon's Golden Games. Gannon's Golden Games. Here I am. There you are.

Starting point is 01:48:36 Gannon's fucking, fuck you dead. Fuck me dead? Fuck you dead. Oh, that's nice. How would you? Put blades on your knob or something? No, we're going to...

Starting point is 01:48:45 Put a hammer on your knob. Mate, can we just do the admin? And then you can do all the horrible sex, murder, skags you like. You said fuck you dead. Yeah, but it's charming when I say it. A little bit of fun. I've stood up and everyone's looking up at me now and it's weird. I just don't want to happen. Just say where they can find stuff.

Starting point is 01:49:01 Pictures and videos for this episode will be on thecheapshow.co.uk and that's our site to go to for your one-stop shop for links to our merch page, Say where they can find stuff. Pictures and videos for this episode will be on thecheapshow.co.uk. And that's our site to go to for your one-stop shop for links to our merch page, Patreon videos. The magazines are on sale with the Venn's shop page and Tony's art page as well. Loads of Redbubble goodness. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill you. With your knob?

Starting point is 01:49:20 No, not with your knob. It won't be knob related. Knob-free death. Yeah, it's a knob-free death, which, you know, is all we can hope for in life, isn't it? A knobob free death. Yeah, it's a knob free death, which, you know, is all we can hope for in life, isn't it? A knob free death. I quite hope for a knob. Do you know what happened to Patrick?

Starting point is 01:49:31 He died of knob. He died of knob. Oh, I was always hoping for a knob free death. He died as he lived, full of knob. What else do we do? Oh, yeah, we're on Facebook, we're on Instagram, we're on all those kind of lovely things. If you want to email us,

Starting point is 01:49:46 thecheapshow at gmail.com and finally on Twitter, where we're most active and chatty, it's at thecheapshowpod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show and Eli is... Eli Snow,

Starting point is 01:49:54 do you spell it? E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Tom, if people like what you do and want to get to know you a little bit better, how can people find you on the Instagrams and stuff?

Starting point is 01:50:02 I'm on Twitter, I'm on Instagram, I'm on YouTube and Jimmy big boy is going to be coming very soon to all the platforms probably you'll be hearing from our fucking lawyer if he turns up on your youtube channel i'll tell you that honestly there's going to be the jimmy big boy show on itv1 saturday night you know just hi i'm jimmy big boy what have we done i like him all we seem to do is invite guests over ruin their lives and careers and then send them back out into the world kind of nice it's recycling um all right wonderful stuff uh anything else did you mention your twitter yeah twitter facebook all those just type my name and just tom may you stuff pops up

Starting point is 01:50:37 do you know may h e w just in case people think it's spelled may you might be spelled m a i h u w yeah spell it right, mate. Don't be a dick. I'm just saying, don't be a dick. M-E-I-H-U-E. That's it, I think. Okay. It's 2.50 next week, which is good.

Starting point is 01:50:51 That's nice. We'll do something, I don't know. What are we going to do? I don't know. Oh, hang on. Yeah, I was going to say, there's a guy in an old-fashioned suit out there with a telegram of some sort.

Starting point is 01:51:02 Telegram from Mr. Silverman and Mr. Gannon. That's us. Yes, bring Mr Silverman and Mr Garam. That's us. Yes, bring it. Thank you. Thank you. Bring it in. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:51:11 Oh, bye-bye. Postman Alan. Twat. Postman Alan twat. Hello. I'm figuring it out. It's a character. Hello.

Starting point is 01:51:19 Bye. Bye. Thanks for the telegram. I've added nothing. What does the telegram say? I'm going to read it now. Oh, this is interesting. Oh, it's an invite, Eli. What? thanks for the telegram I've added nothing what does the telegram say I'm going to read it now hang on one sec oh this is interesting oh

Starting point is 01:51:27 it's an invite Eli what dear cheap show stop please please please stop I love that gag dear cheap show

Starting point is 01:51:35 stop I'm just going to skip the stop bits they're implicit dear cheap show you are welcome to join us to celebrate your 250th anniversary episode

Starting point is 01:51:44 at the fantastic new casino venue, the Grand Flange. A taxi will pick you up. You'll be taken to this highly respectable and illustrious venue where you can play to your heart's content on the games within the casino. Food, drink, entertainment, all yours to help celebrate 250. Well, that's amazing. On us, signed, your secret admirer. Oh, who could that be?

Starting point is 01:52:14 I don't know. Well, we're not doing anything next week, so we may as well just bring our recorder and... Well, let's do that. Yeah. I used to work in a casino. Did you? Yeah, I was a croupier, so I know all about that. Oh, well, that's all right.

Starting point is 01:52:25 Food, drink, gambling. Sounds a lot of fun. There might be some music. And when the fun stops, we'll stop. Yes. This is important to mention. Yes. Because I don't want to get behind the old gambling thing,

Starting point is 01:52:34 because I'm against it. But it should be a bit of fun. It should be a bit of fun. Great. Right? Well, that's 250 fucking seconds. So join us next week as we celebrate episode 250 of this staffed podcast. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Starting point is 01:52:49 Thank you, Tom, for joining us this week. Thank you for having me. It's very hot in here and sticky, so it's time to get out. Get out of the sticky Tudor tunnel. Yeah, and hopefully no death by knob. And no death by knob. No death by knob, everyone. Bye, everyone.

Starting point is 01:53:02 Bye. See you next week.

CheapShow - Ep 249: Game of Strife

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