CheapShow - Ep 250: A Night At The Grand Flange

Episode Date: October 1, 2021

It's episode 250, Baby! And we are going BIG! This week, to celebrate this historic CheapShow milestone, Paul & Eli have been invited along to visit a very, very fancy casino... Out in the middle of nowhere! But they won't be there alone, as a lot of very familiar voices will be there to help or hinder during the night's events. And who's this? Why, it's Mr Biffo (Paul Rose) of course, joining the cheap chaps for a night of risky gambles, top class entertainment and free booze! Paul and Eli have never known such wonders! In fact, with all this money, alcohol and decadence flying about, what could possibly go wrong? Nothing. Nothing is going to go wrong. It's going to be fantastic. So join us, for a night at the "Grange Flange"... Listen, Share & Enjoy! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-250-a-night-at-the-grand-flange And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid @mrbiffo @ashfrith … And BIG thanks to Chris Jerden-Cooke for his work on the opening theme for this week’s episode @cjjc And thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Paul, where are we going? Well, we're going to the casino, like we're invited. Yeah, but where is this? Well, I don't know. We've been in this taxi now for about two hours. I know. And we're getting further and further away from humanity. There's nothing out here.

There's nothing out here. It's just like an industrial wasteland. It's just a flat. There's a couple of spooky trees. We've been just driving over this wasteland for like half an hour. Where is this place? I don't know where this place is, but, you know, we've got to get there eventually at some point soon, won't we? We can't be in this taxi forever.

But why? Well, unless the casino's in the taxi. Maybe it's in the taxi. It could be like that programme where the taxi... Sex taxi. No. Where you get in the back of a taxi and you knob off a 50-year-old man. No, that's a porn thing.

Yeah, I've seen that. Is that what we're doing? Question taxi, isn't it called? Is this 250's going to be Paul gets knobbed off in a taxi? No. Can it be episode 250, Paul gets knobbed off in a taxi? I think there's some lights up ahead. Oh, I wanted to talk about being knobbed off in a taxi.

Not by me, you won't. Oh, all right. Sorry about him. Sorry, driver. I've seen it all. I've seen it all in the back of my taxi. Have you seen someone been knobbed in the back of a taxi? You wouldn't believe what I've seen. Well, have you seen it all in the back of my taxi. Have you seen someone been knobbed in the back of a taxi? You wouldn't believe what I've seen.

Well, have you seen a man being knobbed off in a taxi? I've said man being knobbed off in a taxi now about 15 times. On the taxi, above the taxi, to the side of the taxi. So says I, the taxi driver. Massive pickle. I wonder if anyone sort of lubed up the exhaust and put their knob up there. Yeah, look, any way you can put your dick in a car, I'm sure it's been put. Oh, I've had to reverse into people.

Oh. It goes both ways, if you know what I mean. Anyway, it looks like the building's getting closer. Oh, it's quite impressive, isn't it? Wow. Oh, dear. It's like a beacon of beauty in the dark tundra of this wasteland. It's weird.

It's just flat wasteland, and in the middle, this weird, dark behemoth. It's not dark. It's lit up, Paul. I don't know what's wrong with your eyes or something. Oh, God, I'm looking in the wrong direction. Oh, yeah. Now, that's just a shed. I was looking at the back of my hand.

Here we are, gents. The Grand Flange. Oh, the Grand Flange. What a magical name. Paul, look how much it is. The meter says 300 quid. Don't worry about that, gents. It's on the house, if you know what I mean.

Wink, wink. What? We don't have to pay 300 quid? No, it's all taken care of. By who? By you. Who paid for this? More than me jobs worth, boys.

I can't say. Marjorie jobs worth, boys. Who's she? My mother. Who paid for this? More than me jobs worth, boys. I can't say. Marjorie jobs worth, boys. What? Who's she? My mother. She's the mother of the taxi driver, Massive Pickle. Oh, oh. Okay, okay.

All right, okay. All right, well, all right. Well, then, great. After you. Thank you, driver. Thanks. Have fun and be careful. Thank you, driver.

Bye. Oh, God. Oh, it's cold and wet. It's pissing down. Shall we just get inside before we get drenched? Yeah, yeah, come on. Hang on, driver. Bye. Oh, God. Oh, it's cold, though. It's wet. It's pissing down. Should we just get inside before we get drenched? Yeah, yeah, come on. Hang on, hang on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, someone's coming out to see us. Who's that? Who's that waving? Hello? Hey, hello, boys. Hello. Hello.

Hello, who are you? Hey, hello, it's me, Andre Brandovsky. Groff, Groff, Groff. Groff, Groff, Groff. And Groff to you, my little fellas. How are you two today? Do you like the beautiful facade on my magnificent resort and restaurant venue? Oh, we know we do, don't we, Eli?

Groff, Groff. Don't we, Eli? Yeah, Paul, we do, yeah. Wow. Mr. Brandoski, did you invite us here, then? That's right, Eli, I did, Groff Groff. Welcome, boys. I want to show you my beautiful new resort.

And then you can tell everyone who listens to your marvellous podcast about the Grand of Lange. It is my dream. All right, all right, all right. Since I was a young boy. All right. To build this palace to excitement and thrills. All right, calm down.

Fuck's sake. Get out of my face. Groff, Groff. Step back. Oh, sorry. No, it's thank you for inviting us for our 250th episode to your lovely casino and restaurant building, the Grand Flange. My boys, my boys, my boys.

Groff, Groff, Groff. Eli, I've never been to a casino before. Have you? Oh, yeah. I used to work in one. Did you? Yeah. I was a croupier.

Yeah? Yeah. I dealt with... Croupiers only do roulette, which you'd know if you'd worked. Well, I don't. That's why I said, Eli, what did you do? Because I don't know. And I said to you, I was a croupier.

Yeah, but I want... That's why I wanted to know facts. Croupiers only deal roulette. They're the people who spin the ball and pay out the bets at roulette. Right. So that's good, isn't it? I did that at the Golden Nugget. Oh, the Golden Nugget.

A wonderful place. But wait till you see, Graff Graff, what I have here in the Grand Flange. Follow me. Follow me inside, boys. Oh, Eli, we'd better go inside for our 250th episode where we're going to a casino. Oh, this looks really fancy, doesn't it? Oh, I'm going to be big money. Let's go inside. All right, let better go inside for our 250th episode where we're going to a casino. It looks really fancy, doesn't it? I'm going to be big money. Let's go inside.

All right, let's go. Now I can't wait to splash out and spend some money. Let's go, everyone, and you're invited too. You the listener, not you, Eli, because I'm looking at him. Well, I'm coming. I know, I can see this. I've knobbed off in a fucking knob, Tom. Go inside.

Spunk. I know, I can see this I'm knobbed off in a fucking knob, Tom Spank Thank you. Welcome, boys. Excuse me, I just have to make a quick phone call. I'll be back with you in a couple of minutes. Hey, Margarita! Make sure you piss on over the cushions and stuff. I'm all out of piss! It doesn't look very good in here. No, it's a fucking horrible shithole in here.

On the outside, it looked all right, but on the inside, it looks like the worst 80s Butlins fucking... Have you seen the amount of pubes everywhere as well? I thought that was the carpet. Is it mostly pubes? I'm sticking to the carpet. I'm just looking at these gaming tables here. They're sticky.

There's lots of pubes there. Sticky. It's like someone's been sort of just rubbing their nuts. No, it feels like someone's been skipping up and down the aisles, scattering pubes like a flower girl at a wedding. What's that smell as well? Is it piss? No, it just smells like a dirty kitchen. No,. What's that smell as well? Is it piss? No, it just smells

like a dirty kitchen. No, it's piss and fags and grease. Oh, it's dripping. Drippy? Why is it dripping? Why? That's not even water.

What am I getting dripped on with? It's milky. What is that? It's probably spunk. It's coming up from the ceiling. It's probably spunk

coming down from the ceiling. Why is the spunk coming down from the ceiling? I don't think there is, Paul. Is it the Amityville Horror of Gush? It could just be paint or something that's, you know, dissolved into the water. Hang on. Is it spunk?

It's spunk! Took me a while. I think there's a few mixed in. I think it's not just one man spunk. I think it's one or two. I don't know. Either way, I've got to stand out the way of that. Is the word spunk in this script fucking once? No, but it's been gobbling, spunk, spunk coming off the ceiling.

Dripping from the ceiling. I can't help it. I don't know what's going on up there. Anyway, it's a shithole in here. It's a dirty shithole. It stings. I wouldn't want to use the fruit machines because they look grotty. They look manky. I wouldn't want to touch them. You really wouldn't, would you? Wait, look. Everyone's here. It's dirty shit. Oh, it stings. I wouldn't want to use the fruit machines because they look grotty. They look manky.

I wouldn't want to touch them. You really wouldn't, would you? Wait, look. Everyone's here. Look, there's Jimmy Biscuits just ducked into the kitchen. Oh, he actually looks

like he's... Is that Charity Shop vampire as well? He looks very smart. I can only tell by the top of his head bouncing up and down behind that table,

but I think that's the back of his head. Yeah, he uses that very thick sort of grill cream on it. He does. I recognise the scent. That helmet sort of... That nice helmet kind of thing. Hair helmet sort of effect.

Oh, look at the bar. Is that Adolf Manson at the bar? Yeah, it looks like he's working here. That's good. He was always alright, wasn't he? Adolf Manson? He was one of my favourite characters. They're all in here. Sadly, only me. Lady Plops is on the slot.

Lady Plops. Yeah, they're both together. Christ, look. Look. There's Grumpy Sessions as well. What's he doing? Everyone's here. Inchman's here.

No, he's not. I don't see him. We're moving on. I see him. And we're going to move on. Sure. Well, I mean, maybe he's doing an inch table. Some kind of...

How could he gamble with inches? Well, he... Come on. Use your comedy mind to make that work. Well, he gamble with inches? Come on, use your comedy mind to make that work. Inchman, comedy man. I think I can see, actually,

the sign that's on his table that he's manning. Yeah. He's actually working here. Yes, I see that. He's got like a little badge. Inchman, it says. Larry Inchman on it.

So what, you just go up to him and say, what, inch, can I have an inch? Yeah, basically. It looks like, ask me for inches, it says. I fucking hate that character.

That's what the sign says, ask me for inches. Ask him for inches at a casino. How many do you want? And there's a little forms. I can see there's a pad of little forms there. Yeah. And it's how many inches.

And there's little boxes for one. Yeah. And there's boxes for two. Yeah. There's a third box, which you tick if you want three. Yeah, I'd imagine. Inchman to give you three inches. Four, five, six.

What if I wanted 20? I think we should go over there. No, I reckon that's the quotient we need of Inchman material to move on from. He's here. Oh, I can hear him distantly. Inch! There we go. Oh, I've missed him.

Right, moving on. Who else is here? Well, I'm looking around now, aren't I? And I can see everyone here. Everyone is here. Everyone. Even the characters I can't remember right now are here. Right now.

They all seem to work here or be patrons of the casino. It's really bizarre. I can't understand why some are behind the counter and some are in front of it. How did they get here on foot from Beckingham Hill Park as well? I don't know what's going on. That's weird. It's very strange. Stinky casino.

Oh, look. Oh, hey. Oh, look, there he is. Biffa, come over here. Come over here. Hello. What are you doing here? All right.

Hello. Yeah, what are you doing here? At the moment, I'm having a cherry duck slider. I got it from the buffet. Did you get it off your knob? Nice. Cherry duck. Yeah.

Is that lamb duck? Yeah. Safe to eat. Well, it's not langoose. Lamb duck is probably safer to eat for me. I've heard that lamb duck is safe to eat, and especially if you have a cherry on it, it sort of neutralises the duck poison. They replace the head with a cherry.

Oh, really? The poison, the venom is contained in the bill. It's a duck body, but with a cherry on the head. That's fancy. That's a fancy slider. Very fancy. You know what noise they make? What?

Whack, whack. How do they do that without a head? Well, no, before they're killed. Listen, Paul, it's easy to follow. They come at them with a knife. And they look at the knife and they go, whack, whack. And that's the last thing they say before they have a head replaced by a cherry. Yeah.

Have you been gambling at all? I have, yeah. Who invited you, though? Who? I got it in a mystery envelope. Did you get the same envelope as us that says, come celebrate 250 cheap show at the casino? Yeah, something like that. Oh, right.

That's good, eh? Okay, I don't care. Just make sure, Groff, Groff, they're covered in the piss, yeah? The stuff, you cannot get them, my boys, anymore. Hello! What can't you get? Piss? You can't get someone to piss into a cushion and suck it real good, you know? I need it dripping with the piss.

Groff, Groff, okay. Have you ever thought about just taking a bucket of piss and just plunging pillows into it and letting it get steep, like a teabag? I bet people to deal with the pissing on the cushion, okay? And then what happens with the pissy cushion? I like to enjoy it in my own personal time. What does that involve?

Sniffing it. Sniffing a piss pillow? Sniffing it. Sniffing a piss pillow. Sniffing it and I like to lie down in it. Yeah? Yeah. The Golden Nugget used to have a piss trough.

Oh. Padded. Did it? Oh, yeah. A padded piss trough. I like the pad. It soaks up the piss real good. The PPT,

they called it. Gough, gough. Anyway, boys, enough of this. This is just a... Yeah, sorry. I'm getting distracted. I, you know, I thought it would be funnier

It's just a little backroom stuff I need to deal with piss, nothing serious So, are you like the lobby area? Yeah, no it's The lobby area it's beautiful, you've done something really special Thank you very much, now we have some great games and entertainment and food here for you.

Do you? You are my guest tonight, and I want you to enjoy everything we've got here. And I'll just take you through a little list of what you can expect to see when you walk around. I've never been to a casino before. You've never been before? I've never been. I don't know what delights await me. Well, we've got everything here for you, Graff Graff.

We've got Blackjack, you know, 21. A lot of people like to play that. Oh, 21. We have 70 roulette tables. Yeah. Single zero. Single zero. Yes, we got slots.

Oh, I've heard that rumour. We got lots of slots. Yeah. Everyone like to play the slots, yeah? I can't wait to put money in a slot. You like to play poker, maybe? I'd like to poker slot, yeah. Poker slot.

21-year-old poker slot. Come. Knob. Knob. Knob. Knob. Is he okay? Knob.

I'm sorry. I'm overexcited. I'm overstimulated. Knob. It's his birthday today. It's my birthday today. We got a buffet table. We got several restaurants all around.

You can enjoy whatever you like at the buffet. Oh, nice. You like a little drink. You like a cocktail. We got got a buffet table. We've got several restaurants all around. You can enjoy whatever you like at the buffet. Oh, nice. You like a little drink. You like a cocktail. We've got the great selection of the cocktails. Graff, Graff. Oh, I like that. That's nice, isn't it? What else we got? Listen, if you like the heavy stuff, you know, the private stuff, you need some privacy when you're

gambling. Brandovsky can do it for you. What does this mean? I have a salon privé, an extensive one in the basement. What's a salon privé? It's when, you know, the eye rollers, they come into town. They don't want the riffraff to watch them gamble. They want to have a private salon in which to gamble. That's what.

But other stuff goes on down there, Groff Groff. You know what I mean? I've heard rumours. It's not called Privy for nothing. Is it? Why, it was Privy. It's like a toilet. It's a toilet joke.

It's a toilet joke. It's a toilet joke. I don't think Paul is up to it today, you know, doing this. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed. Have you been to the Privy? I've heard the rumours. I had a look through the keyhole.

Yeah, what do you see? Just gold. Just gold. Gold as far as the eye could see gold there's a lot of gold in the decor down there a bit tacky in a kind of harrods way i think the gold might have been frozen piss frozen piss is it a frozen piss room yes it is frozen piss ice bar the room of the piss ice we got a piss ice bar we got the down there we got all sorts of stuff so when you go to those ice hotels have you got one made completely out of ice pit

I do oh that is the kind of innovation and bring into this part of the West Midlands piss ice piss piss ice Piss slushies you like piss slushies I could try one I'll get it for you a slush drippy slash pissy I'm not trying to come up with this shit. I just tell you, I'm trying to move this story on. I'm Brandovsky. That's me. Groff Groff. What else we got here?

Slush Strippy. Slush Puppy. Slush Puppy. Fucking hell. Hey. Have you got any Slush Puppies? Hey, Margarita, change the name of the pissed ice, please. Slush Puppy.

They've come up with it they're good yeah good I like that we've made our mark on this I think yeah

you want to enjoy the casino you guys yeah thank you for coming here you're my guest wait have you

got any live entertainment can I go see a show or something while I'm here as well oh you better believe it

Paulie baby groff groff there's all sorts of shows we got comedians we got dancers we got exotic dancers we got scatter You better believe it, Paulie. Baby Groff Groff. There is all sorts of shows. We got comedians. We got dancers. We got exotic dancers.

We got scatophilic dancers. Hey, now we're talking. This place is riddled with fucking disease, isn't it? It's just absolutely wall to wall. It really is a disgusting place. No one's wearing a mask. No. No one even mentioned that. They are wearing masks, but they're all kind of weird fucking sex masks.

They're wet. Eyes wide shut. It's a great place, and I want you boys, my boys, to enjoy this place so much. I'll give you a little something. You have a little tickle. Eli's been quiet. What do you think about all this? I am awed.

I am awed at how much he's managed to pack in here. What are you looking forward to the most? I'm looking forward to the privy. I like playinged. I am awed at how much he's managed to pack in here. What are you looking forward to the most? I'm looking forward to the privy. I like playing poker. Yeah? I can't wait to play poker. I can't wait to play poker, Eli. I've got...

Oh, I'm feeling it today. I feel Mr. Money today. My fingertips, they're tingling with money. You're feeling lucky today, yeah? My breasts, they're tingling with money. Well, Paul, can I just say... And you know what else is tingling? Your dick.

Yeah? Yeah. With money? Can I say tingling? Your dick. Yeah? With money? Can I say that, Paul, seriously? Be careful, because I know you're not used to gambling. You get carried away and lose more than you can afford. No, I know, I know. But I'm just... I don't know, I've got a vibe today. I've got a vibe today. If you play with me, it'll be fine.

I've never done it before either. Yeah, well, have you? Yeah, I can read you. Poker? I'll read you. I'll read your face. I'll be fine. I've never done it before either. Yeah. Well, have you? Yeah, I can read you. Poker? I'll read you. I'll read your face. I'll read your face. I know when you're lying to me.

I don't even know the rules. I know the rules. You've got to have a hand or a flush. It's like snap, isn't it? Yeah, it's like snap or go. It's just like snap. Is it Top Trumps? Can I?

Yes. Yeah? I'm good at that. Essentially, it is. It is. It's Top Trumps. Horror. Horror.

Oh, that's good. Belusian Death Cell. Remember that one? Yeah. I love that one. What's. It's Top Trumps. Horror. Oh, that's good. Velousian Death Cell. Remember that one? Yeah. I love that one. What's that? Oh, come on. What about that?

Pervuvian Deathsplay. Vesuvian Death Cell. It was a card on the Horror Top Trumps. Godzilla had a bow tie on for some reason. Why did Godzilla have a bow tie on in Top Trumps? He just did. Anyway. That was the greatest deck of Top Trump cards ever created.

Well, I'm feeling lucky. That's all that matters. Yeah. Now, like I was trying to say, guys, before you were sort of so rudely. Well, not rudely. I like you still. Anyway, whatever. Yeah, why are we here?

Why have you invited us? I want you to try out the new resort, Groff Groff, and I will give you three grand each. Just to play, just to play. You're giving me and Eli three grand each? And Mr B4, yeah. Why is he getting money? Well, I invited him, didn't I?

Yeah, but he's not proper cheap show, is he? We're influencers now. This is what happens. You go to places and they want you to... You all have three grand. Here it is. In chips. Oh, I've never held three grand.

Oh, in chips. Oh. Well, you can cash them out any time you like. I'm going to go now then. And you can play Connect 4 with them. Oh, you can cash them out any time you like. I'm going to go now, then. It'd be a bit rude if you went now. And you can play Connect 4 with them. Oh, you can? Have you got Connect 4 in your casino?

Yes. Fine. A big, giant Connect 4. Yeah? How big? It's the biggest Connect 4 playing apparatus in the world. Wow, that big? Could I live in it?

Could I drop myself into the slots? You wouldn't want to because you would fall to your death, my little friend. Oh, no. You wouldn't want to because you would fall to your death, my little friend. Oh, no. I don't understand this. The whole back wall of this property is a huge Connect 4 board, and we use cranes on Saturdays to drop the pieces in. My oligarch friends, they like it.

Do you get many people playing it? Only the super rich can play. Super rich come over here and play giant Connect 4 and play it with cranes. And it's sort of crossed with Robot Wars because the cranes are like trucks and they have blades and stuff. This is the most exciting thing I've ever heard of in my life. Have you ever heard of anything like that? I got a nub on.

Can I do that again? Yeah. No. Like crane stuff. Yes. Oh, God. Fuck me. That's really exciting. I can't again? Yeah. No. Like, great stuff. Yes. Oh, God. Fuck me. That's really exciting.

I can't wait to play. So, you guys, I have to deal with these cushions and the piss and the stuff, okay? And it's a little melt problem on the piss. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Piss crystal. Piss crystal. Piss off. Pistols.

I got. I got. Oh, you got? I got. Well, thank you, Mr. Brandovsky. Enjoy yourselves. Thank you, Andre Brandovsky. We're going to explore your casino,

and we'll have a good time doing it on your dime. Gruff, gruff. Eli. Wow. Eli, I can't believe it. I've never been given three grand. That's amazing, isn't it? We could just leave now with this.

We could just fucking leave right now, he did say. More money than I've ever seen in my life. But you know what? In chip form. I'm feeling lucky. You are. I'm feeling this. We could just fucking leave right now, he did say. More money than I've ever seen in my life. But you know what? In chip form. I'm feeling lucky. You are. I'm feeling lucky. I don't know what it is, mate.

I've just got a vibe. Can you see me tingle? We could save two grand in this, couldn't we? Mate, I reckon by the end of today, I'm walking away with all the chips. Just be careful with that attitude. I'm going to walk out hung low with my sodden chip ball bag, dragging behind me, waylaid with chips and i cash them out by throbbing it out and i say to the cashier here have my chips and i will ejaculate hot chip action

through the middle slot and get money in middle spot like middle earth and little stevie meters will spit out my hot coins and chips and eventually I will have money in my pocket. I'm excited that we're in

a casino and it's episode 250 and my balls are full of chips. Good. Should we go

and explore? I don't think. I don't know. I might explore on my own. Yeah. I don't blame you. Yeah.

Alright, well let's just go for a little walkabout then and see what we can see. Alright? I'll see you in a bit. I'm going to explore. All right.

Oh, these cards are looking rather tasty right now. That's a king. That's a plus one to the count, I believe. Oh, this is very exciting. Oh, I can't believe it, an ace. An ace. Oh, the cards are very, very favourable right now. I think it's

time to make my little signal to get my accomplice to come over. Here we go. Oh. Oh. Oh, this looks like a good table. I'm extremely rich. I'll double the bets here. Oh, who are you,

stranger? I've never met you before. Who are you, my love? Oh, I hope you have a very successful hand right now. I'm Mr. Richington Squishergym. Oh, you look like a legitimate and very nice casino card player. I'll just make another bet. Oh, I don't know you. Oh, look, it's another win.

Excuse me, sir, madam. Yes? I've seen you counting out your plops, and we don't want to take your action anymore, I'm afraid. I don't know what you mean. No, I don't. You'd like to come with me? I'm an old lady with a loose anal sphincter.

I can't help my ploppers. Oh, no. No, we're legitimate. Madam Plops, I don't want to make a scene? Over to the door please. Will you get your hands off my Lady One? Let's not make a scene please, sir. Come with me please. Barry, grab them.

No! You get your hands off my Lady One! Oh God! I'll come back and squish that in later! Oh, I don't know why! I don't know what I've done wrong! You've got nothing on us, you! Get your hands off me and my Lady One!

Oh no! Don't you dare touch me! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! I don't know what I've done wrong! You've got nothing on us you! Get your hands off me and my lady one!

Oh no! Don't break that! You've broken it! Lady brother! I don't know! That's my squishing foot! Oh, Eli, there's a 21 table. There's a 21. I've never played 21.

Can we play 21, please? Sure, yeah. I've never played it. Biffo, do you want to play 21 with me? 21? My age, you mean? Yeah. 21 pounds of raw throb. Yes.

What else is it called? Blackjack. Blackjack or 21. Why is it called blackjack, then? Or fruit salad. Yes. What else is it called? Blackjack. Blackjack or 21. Why is it called Blackjack then? Or Fruit Salad. Dial it down. I don't... He's been drinking too much already.

He was here before we arrived, wasn't he? Yeah, he was on the fizzy milk. I was in the piss bar. Girl, I want to take you to the piss bar. Piss bar, piss bar. There doesn't seem to be any free seats. All the Blackjack tables, apart from this empty one. Well, there's an empty one here.

We do it here. What do you mean we do it here? Yeah, we do it. there doesn't seem to be any free seats. All the blackjack tables, apart from this empty one. Well, there's an empty one here. We do it here. What do you mean we do it here? Yeah, we do it. We don't need to join those tables. It's all grotty windows. You really don't understand how casino games work, do you? It's alright. There's an empty table and I've got my chips.

You're going to play against me. I'll be the dealer then. Yeah, you be the dealer. Do you want to play it? Yeah, I'd love to. Have you ever played it before? It was when I was a child. We used to go to casinos as a child.

Matches. No, no. Me grandad. Matches. Match sticks. I was a child. We used to go to casinos as a child. No, no. My grandad. Matches. Matchsticks. I'm a top roller, daddy. Now, that game that people play at home, 21, is slightly different. Why? The basic mechanism you're trying to make 21 or as close to 21 as...

With how many cards? Three? Two? One card. It depends on what your cards are. You get two to begin with. Yeah, but if you get 21 in five cards, is that better than getting 21 in three cards?

Or two? Or one card? And you go hit or stick. Is that right? Yes, a five card 21 beats a three card. Oh, he has to read the rules. Actually, getting lots of low cards is just better. If you manage to get to 21 with lots of...

With each card you take, you're more likely to bust, which is to go over 21. Now, Paul, all picture cards are worth 10. Right. Apart from an ace, which can be 1 or 10. Or 11. 1 or 10. How do you not know this game?

I know this game from childhood. The only card games I've ever seen are in the film Maverick or, you know, a spy thriller where Bond's like, stick or twist, stick or twist. He's like, ferme le bonque de chanque, chanque le bonque. Show me the funko. Show me the funko. I'm going to sit like this and kind of rub the chips

between my fingers like I'm cool. Kind of like that. Do you like that? Do you like me doing that? I've got me chips. You've both got your chips. Now, I'm going. Kind of like that. Do you like that? Do you like me doing that? I've got me chips. You've both got your chips. Now, I'm going to do that thing they do in poker where they riffle it. I'm going to do that. Put them on my eyes like I'm a

corpse. Look. Yeah, you're like one of those corpses. Why do they do that? Why do they put coins on the eyes of corpses? To stop their eyes opening, I think. Because that's creepy. Oh. Well, don't they just close the eyes? You see in the films they run their fingers over the eyes.

But is this related? Do you know the convention in comic books to have when a character's dead they have a cross where the eyes are? Maybe. Oh, I don't know.

Or was it to pay Sharon? Sharon? The boatman. It was to pay the boatman. Yeah. But why in the eyes? Why not like on the tongue? I reckon... Oh, I've got my chip. He's dropped hisman. Yeah. But why in the eyes? Why not, like, on the tongue? I reckon...

Oh, I've got my chip. He's dropped his chip. Chip's down, I'll get it in a minute. I think eyes can pop back open. I think... When you're dead. Well, look, if you think when things start to tighten up... Yeah.

And kind of... You go stiff. Yeah, looking forward to that. Things pop open. Yeah. Yes, as the tissue around the eye dries out, it will pull back. Very good. I think that's why.

It pulls back and reveals the eyes. It pulls back your knobbers. So if that happens to the eye, does it happen on my penis? It does, yes. Does my penis skin pull back? It's well known that zombies have no foreskins. And does my penis...

No matter what their religious denomination before death. Can I ask a question? Could a penis blossom with a flower in death? Could, like, you die, and then, like, something grow out of your Can I ask a question? Could a penis blossom with a flower in death? Could, like, you die, and then, like, something grow out of your penis, like a flower? If you put a seed down it, yeah. Right, I want that in my death contract.

I want you, Eli, to push a seed in my metus when I'm dead, so when I die, my penis can grow a lovely tree. Sure. What sort of flower? Oh, a tree. See, I was thinking tree. Like, a great big tree to come out.

I don't know. What's a good tree? Elm? Is that a good tree? Oak? Dutch oven? Silver birch. Silver birch?

A Dutch oven? Yeah, isn't that a tree? Dutch oven. Dutch elm. Dutch oven. Dutch elm's oven. I've got that disease. One of my earliest memories when all those got chopped down.

What? The Dutch elm trees. The Dutch elm disease. You remember that? Yeah. Because the road I on and i had them all down that road and well i remember looking out the window and watching them all being cut down oh it's very sad but killed a lot of trees that what would you like to grow out of your penis or maybe a bum hole it could be a bum hole you could be face down your coffin and have a lovely shrub come out. I'd like a little bonsai tree coming out my meter's pool

and I would like a little rock with a hermit on it as well. You couldn't have a bonsai tree because it needs to be well kept and trimmed and who's going to look after that? Who's going to dig up your corpse every few days to trim the bonsai tree coming out of your dick? My crypt keepers. Dong-sai tree. You've got dong-medics who come in.

Dong-medics. You've got corpsemedics Who come in Dongmedics You've got Corpstoporists Or something Who come in Guys Yeah Please

Should we just play this game Alright I want to play 21 How much do I bet You can bet Any amount you like How many cards do I get Which way round the board

Do I go Okay Shall we start a hand And we'll see if we can do it As we go Paul Alright So to start the hand Here we go

This is good this Alright How many cards do we get How many cards do, so to start the hand. Here we go. This is good, this. All right, how many cards do we get? How many cards do we get to start? Oh. And I get one face up. Right, so dealer. Because he's a dealer.

So that's good. That means Eli's got what? Now. Yeah. How much are you going to bet on this hand? Don't look at your hand. You need to decide what you're betting first. I'm just going to put 100 down on it first. And you, sir?

200. Put it in the hole, please. I've put 100 down. Yours is on the rim, not in the hole. Well, I'll push it into the hole. sir? 200. Put it in the hole, please. I've put 100 down. Yours is on the rim, not in the hole. Well, I'll push it into the hole. There we go. Push it in the rim. Yes.

Okay. Then you look at your cards, Paul. Both of them. Just Paul first. Yeah, it goes to the left or right. I'm looking at them. Gold finger. I feel like James Bond.

Now, look. James. Remember, I have a very powerful card. Yeah. Yeah. The most powerful card showing. Yeah. In fact, you can take insurance if I've got an ace card. Yeah. The most powerful card showing. Yeah. In fact, you can take insurance if I've got an ace showing.

I don't want to do insurance. I'm not doing that. Can I look at mine? Yeah. No, you do. I've looked at mine. Hit or stick, Paul? So what does that mean?

I hit a stick. You seem strike it lucky. Did it, did it, did it. If you've bust now, you can't bust on two cards. Can you bust on two cards? No. I've busted on two cards. No, because even if you get an 11.

Yeah, right. I've looked at me cards. I've bet £100, right? Yes. You hit or stick. And I hit a stick. What does hit mean? Give me another card.

Yes. And stick means I'm fine as is. Yes. Then I would like to twist. You're hitting. Hitting. Right, do I look at it now? You've meant to.

Am I meant to keep the cards? They're your cards. That's your hand. Oh, I thought you left them down on the table. Hitting. Right, do I look at it now? You've meant to. Am I meant to keep the cards? They're your cards. That's your hand. Oh, I thought you left them down on the table. All right. Okay. Hit or twist? What's the stop one?

Stick. Stick. I stick. When do I bet again? Is that it now? I don't bet again. You can't bet again. There's only one bet per game.

Hit, please. Hit him. Stick. Oh, now what happens? I'm now the dealer yeah the dealer what's he do oh what the what's two aces well that's either 11 it's 12 or it's 22 in it it's either two 11s or two ones or high or i have to keep playing, don't I? Because I'm a dealer. I have to keep going until I'm... Yeah, until you reach that. Yeah, so now he has to turn over another card. And that is a what?

Three. That's 15. 15. He's going for... Dealer's shit. Dealer's bust. Dealer's bust. What does that mean?

Reveal our hands. Reveal your hand, please, Paul. I got 21. No, I didn't. I got 19. Ah, one more than me. Hey! Does that mean I won? No, you're both playing against the dealer. Oh. So you both beat the dealer. I got 19. Ah, one more than me. Hey, does that mean I won?

No, you're both playing against the dealer. Oh. So you both beat the dealer. Oh, good. Wait, why has he got four and I got two? You bet more. I'm not playing against... Yeah, I bet two.

You bet 10 and you threw a 10 down later. No, he didn't. I've been dealing this hand. My first bet was 200. Yeah, yeah, because I say I roll. I take the risks in life. Want to increase your bet this time? I am.

Maybe I do. Place your bets. Oh, he's put two grand on. Yeah, I'm going all in. You coward. You coward. You craven, weak-livered plat. Mate, once that money's gone, you can't have it back.

That means you won't be able to play. I've still got other money. Look, see? I've got loads because I won the first hand. It won't get you far, though, will it? Yeah, it will. Yeah, you spunk all that away. I haven't spunked it yet.

I'm going to win it. You spunk all that away. You're not going to win this hand. You might double it and then you'll have four grand. Yeah, and then I'll shove it up your ass with my foot. Right, you ready, Paul? Yes. Sure you want to bet the minimum?

100 quid. 200 he's put in. 200. Still, you coward. Two grand. It's dangerous. It's exciting. It's exciting.

I don't know what's going on. So I've put 200 quid down. Do I look at my cards now? You can have a look. I think we both can. Eli's got a nine. The dealer's got a nine and a card. So I can look at me.

Now you can double down. Right. Now that means. If I look at those cards and I want to. And you want to double your bet, double down. Right. Now that means if I look at those cards and I want to double your bet, you can. Right.

But you are only allowed one more card. Okay. Right. So I have to put 400 on there. Like two more 200. If you wanted to double down.

Check me cards first. Yes. It's come to you. It's your decision now, Daniel. I've never heard the word decision. I can't stop thinking about Daniel. I'm going to double that.

Oh, all right. He's doubled. I don't know. You can only receive one more card. Do you want to twist and get one more? Yeah. Do I do it now or does he do his thing first? All right, give it then. Have you bust? You bust, yeah.

Does he have to say if he's bust? He has to say if he's bust. You've bust, haven't you? I can tell. You've bust. Have you bust? No. Okay. I haven't you i can tell you've bust have you bust no okay i haven't bust just my nuts i've busted me nuts in excitement over this game huge bet of two grand you can double it you can't double it you haven't got the chips to double it yeah you can't double that so you can't double down could i add to it no you can't no fine i'm well sticking stick or twist stick stick. He's going to stick.

The dealer, what has he got? What's that? 20. Dealer sticks. What do I do now? You have to try and beat 20. With how many cards? You've stopped. You didn't take your maximum. Can I show you my cards then?

I got 20. I got 20 in three cards. I've got 20 we all got 20 I thought it was a draw if we all got the same. What does that mean? What's going on? I got five eight seven. That's 20 you get nothing for a pair not in this game Oh, can we play that instead? Can we play play your cards, right? What happens if everyone gets 20 What happens if everyone gets 20? What happens if everyone gets 20? Just say I won.

Doesn't it with the face card wins? Or you win. I got a king out of 10. It's a tie. Three-way tie. So what happens then? It's a push. What's that mean?

You get your bet back. Oh. One more hand, yeah? Yeah, I'm putting two grand down again. So far, I've not shat the bed. You know what? I'm going to put a grand down. I'm putting two grand down again. So far, I've not shat the bed. You know what? I'm going to put a grand down. I'm not.

Mr. Biffo calling me a chicken, calling me a big scaredy num num. 2,500 I've put down. Why are you putting all that down? Because I want to. But then you're going to have no money for later games if you lose it. This is a real. You tell them it's real. You've stuck it all on.

No, I've still got a bit left. Okay. I want insurance. You want to be able to tip the workers in the salon for a day. That means tipping you, though. I've got 700 left. I do expect a tip. Yeah.

You should be braced for a tip. Yeah, I'll give you a big tip. Big hot tip. I'll give you a big hot tip. Stop trying to be a podcaster. Is that the tip? That you can ride. You can ride my big hot tip.

You can ride on my big hot cock tip build. Place your bets. I've placed my... Put it in the thing. Pathetic round. He hasn't put it in the thing. Because I've got too many chips to put in the thing. Well, at least measure it up nicely. The amount of my bet is too big. I hope you fucking lose this big

bad style. Well, I won't. You will. I'm a lucky guy. I'm feeling Mr. Luck. They call me Lucky Jim. No, they don't call you Lucky Jim. They call you Creepy Jim. Joker's wild. Right, king.

Showing again. Fucking hell. A king for Mr. Silverman, the dealer. Double down, Paul, if you wish. I'm going to look at any cards now. I've got a Joker. Oh, what's going on? He's trying to rip me off. There you go. Oh, what's going on? He's trying to rip me off.

There you go. Oh, I'm going to double down. Put another grand on then. You're going to lose it. Oh, we literally can't do the rest of the show. Hey, big spender. I'll figure it out. I'll get money.

So you can only take one more card. Do you want to take that card? Yeah, I want to take the card now. Even though it's like I'm not playing with real money, I'm stressing out real bad about it. You want to win. Now, you've got an even bigger bet there. Do you want to double?

I am not going to. Double. Back off. Two grand. I would like to hit, please, the dealer. I'd like to hit the dealer, too. I want to hit the dealer with my tally whacker. Stick.

Stick. There's a lot of money riding on this now. Do you feel the tension? I can feel the sweat running down my limbs. 2,500. Eli's playing against... Imagine if I win, Paul. Can you imagine that?

How much you'll hate that. Okay, so the dealer has a king show. King four. He has to hit, doesn't he? Because it's below 16. Yeah. So he king four. then another fucking joker. How many jokers are in this pack?

No, no, no. What pack has three jokers? Did you just put the joker I gave you back in the pack? You only get one or two. No, look. It says extra on one of them. Why do I need an extra joker? No one needs a joker anyway.

That is a nice deck. I really particularly like that. 818 Poker Napes Fournier is the manufacturer. The Spanish. The proper old. Yeah, old, because this whole fucking place is shit old. What I like is that sort of format with the big number. Yeah, the big.

In the corner is the poker form. Hells for people who have poor eyesight. Okay, so still on 14 then. 14. Oh. 19. Can you beat 19? Yeah.

Oh. Can I? Yeah. Can I put it down? Blam. 20. Wait. So that's how you do it, 19. Can you beat 19? Yeah. Oh! Can I? Yeah. Can I put it down? Blam! 20. Wait. So that's how you do it, Paul.

You win 2,500 pounds. Wicked or whack? Wicked or whack? I'm feeling lucky. I'm feeling lucky. This is my night. This is just a warm-up. This is my night.

You know what? I was pressured into putting that fucking two grand because I was... You were not! Just because I... You've got to take a risk in life. No, because I was... You were not. You were not. Just because I... You've got to take a risk in life. No, and I did because you were too pressure me. Not enough risks. It was peer pressure.

Not enough risks. I did once win $900 on Ron Roulette in Vegas. What did you put the bet on? Well, it just kept fucking winning each time. On the half, on the black or red? Yeah, I thought the old pit boss guy was going to come and turf me out

because I didn't really know what I was doing and even the woman at the table was like you're very lucky and I'm like trying to be all cool

like James Bond it's like flipping a coin it's basically all it is but it just kept happening there you go so how much has he got now four grand or something

he's got five grand there and he's got more that he didn't bet so he's got like six grand. I've got 1,500 left. Okay. I've got six grand. Yeah, you lost two grand.

Don't worry because I know how to make some money in the interim time for the next game. I might go down around the back where the Connect Four game is

and see if any big shakes want to shake me off. I think that Brandovsky said that they only do that on the weekends. Ah, okay. I'll just piss on his pillows then. He's going to want a bit of money for that.

I'll ask him. He likes ladies to do that. He doesn't know. Play Connect, foreskin. You can smell the pheromones. Can he? Do you know that pheromones... One study has shown that pheromones are something that works in humans.

And that was like 40 years ago and they haven't been able to replicate it. So they still don't know for sure. Everyone goes on about pheromones that it's a thing with humans. No one really knows furry nose. Could well not be. Well, I'm going to

take my money then and I'm going to try and earn some elsewhere and come back with more cash. You loser. Oh, you lost so bad there and Biffo slapped you up. It's all right.

It's early on. He made two and a half grand. It's early on. A lot of money. Imagine this was Vegas and I actually did that. Wow. It's early on. Okay, you've a half grand. It's early on. Imagine this was Vegas and I actually did that. Wow. It's early on.

Okay, you've still got some cash left there. I've got some cash left. There's still a chance. Because I was using the house's money to Vegas. Can I use some of your money then? Can I have your money since you're dealing? You're not going to need it, are you? What do you mean?

You're not dealing, are you? You lost it. You know that. Come on, mate. The casino's affecting you. Give me a little bit. Do you know what time it is? No.

There's no windows, no clocks, there's no nothing. There's barely any fucking taps to wash your hands or anywhere to go fucking piss. That isn't just a weird hole in the wall with a giggling smile. Listen, if you're stuck later... No. All right, they're all there, mate. No, they're not yours. I've got too much money to carry.

Any that drop on the floor belongs to Paul Gannon Inc. Give me it. No, you fucker. You're a little shit, you are. Don't be a the floor belong to Paul Gannon Inc. Give me it. No, you fucker. You're a little shit, you are. Don't be a... Don't be that. Stop it, you little shit. Twat.

Right, I'm going to have to earn some money then, and I'll see you at the next table then. No, but Paul, seriously, I've got that three grand still. If you really need to stay... I need the three grand to stay in the fucking game. You've got 15K there. No, 1,500 there, don't you? No, I've got 1,100.

I counted it wrong. He's got the gambling sickness. I've got 1,100. I counted it wrong. He's got the gambling sickness. That's still 1,100. Just give me a bit. I might be able to make this. I might be able to double this. I'll give you 200, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So have I got... Show me that. I think I've got more than both of you combined. You do. That was amazing. For now, for now, this is getting serious. Right, I'm off to have a little look around, and I'll see you all later,

you fucking rip-off, con job peer pressure by loser hello ladies and gentlemen Welcome to the bingo as sponsored by meaty Margaret and Marjorie Craddock they've put on the lovely meat supply today for the prize and don't you worry Uncle Grumble he slipped something nice into oh yeah he's put a couple of jars of his special grunts original in a sloppy sloppy drip drop drippy lovely grizzly gorgeous innards anyway you know let's get eyes down for full house ladies and gentlemen shout house you know guys here it's launched the machine and we're off squidgy room number two don't you touch it 50 88 shit on a plate two big turds 11 cheeky sweky swans, twenty-two. Oh, hello, Mark.

Oh, hello, my dear. I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been, my love? Well, I've been, you know, busy in my emporium making machines with my assistant Munro. I'm Marjorie Crannock. Oh, I know. I've seen your face. You've made the old bingo machine. I've made all sorts of machines and supplied them to Mr. Brandovsky. He pays on time.

Oh, yes, he pays me. He asked me forsky. He pays on time. Oh, he pays me? He asked me for my meat raffle he did. Oh, I like the meat. Well, you should be there. Some of my favourite meats. These are nice, tender. They're very attractive-looking cuts. Yeah, they're nice and sweet.

Do you need a machine to cut meat? I make machines. Could you take a child and use it in a chopping machine and get some nice steaks out of it? Ask us a question. Well, you wouldn't want to do that. No, why wouldn't you want to put just a small child, you know, five or six year old. That would be against the law.

No, they make nice meat. What do you think I've been raffling? You eat, you kill children and sell them as food. No, just not children. Not just children. No. Sometimes I use animals. Well, I don't know if I would like to supply you with machines anymore.

We could make a little deal here, though. You make a machine that makes me go chop-chop with the old sundries, and I can make the old sausages. I don't like that kind of machine. Have you not got a sausage machine for me, Margaret? I have lots of them. Don't you worry about that. I have a whole hole of sausage machines. I've got this whole bag of school kids I need chopping up and putting into sausages. Use my machines

to further your nefarious aims, Margaret, if that is your name. I'll give you £100 for it. Alright then. £100? I ask no questions. Monroe, get the child chopping machine. We'll lift him around the back. Here, machine. I am Monroe. That's Monroe, my helper. Oh, he's a handsome

boy, isn't he? He's a lovely, lovely lad. I am Monroe. He's very excitable though, isn't he? Well, he likes lifting every helper. Oh, he's a handsome boy, isn't he? He's a lovely, lovely lad. Oi, yo, Monroe! He's very excitable, though, isn't he? Well, he likes lifting every machine. Oh, well, I tell you what, we'll make a little deal. You use my machines, you use my special meats, and we'll have a fun time. We'll have a very fun time, and we'll make money. It's nice to do business with you, meaty Margaret.

Yeah, we see great things for us in the future. Like what? Do you need a machine for that? I have a fortune-telling machine. Yeah, let's talk about it afterwards. We'll do it then. Alright. I'm using a motion machine to move around this casino. It's quite large. Here I go. Alright, bye then.

Have some fun. 59, the Brighton line. That's right. We all remember that one. That one. One road got house. Hey, gents. How you doing?

All right. What have you been up to? Well, there's a lot to do. There's lots of... I just was playing a bit of poker. How'd that go? Lost. How much? 200. That's all right. You've still got loads. You've still got a couple of poker. How'd that go? Lost. How much?

200. That's all right. You've still got loads. We've still got a couple of grand, haven't we? Yeah. It's all right. What have you been up to then? Been on the water slides.

Wait, where's the water slides? Yeah. Near the giant Connect Four thing. Yeah, it comes through one of the holes. Ah. Right through. That's good, isn't it? No, isn't that one of Andre's piss slides?

Haven't you been sliding down one of his piss tubes? I can neither confirm nor deny. I'm going to have a sniff of them. Yeah. Around the back. Biff has been in the piss tubes. Biff has been in the piss tubes. When in Rome.

When in Rome, drink piss. I don't believe that's the... They did. You think the Romans didn't drink piss? They had vomitariums. They brushed their teeth with piss. They brushed their teeth with piss, didn't they?

You never heard of the Leaning Tower of Pisa? No. It's a good joke. Is it? Is it though? That's in Rome.

What was a vomitorium for? I never heard of a vomitorium. It's where they go and they, you know, vomit.

They eat so much that they need to vomit. Henry VIII did that as well. He just did it in a bucket. Yeah, it was called a vomitorium, genuinely. Realise he's correct.

Excuse me, gentlemen, while I just pop outside to the vomitorium and hurl my guts. Well, you'd go... And they'd go out there, probably. I wonder if this place has got one. It should. It's like a utility room. Like, we have our tumble dryers in it.

You'd go to be sick in the room next door. Well, think how sick you'd feel if you ate, like, a turkey with an elephant in it. Probably the other way around, but you know what I'm saying. An elephant full of turkey. They did have an elephant, didn't they?

Who? What was he called? Hibernius. Who was the elephant guy? Hadron. Hadron? The large Hadrian collider. Yeah.

Where they'd fire walls at each other. Who was... There was a general who had elephants in his army hadron it was hadrian thank you hadrian not hadron yeah that was almost yeah apparently he had he had an elephant with like a horse in it with like a a cow in it with like a like a tadooka sheep in it which had a large turkey in it which had a chicken in it which had a large turkey in it, which had a chicken in it, which had like a sparrow probably or something. So it was like an ella, how, ow, whore,

ickin... Dogfish. I thought you were speaking some kind of weird language then for a minute. I know. I thought you were raising the dead there. Can I just say, I've also noticed we're all holding our hands on our hips right now. Yeah, what the fuck is going on?

I've been doing this all the time. You two have copied me. This is what happens when you're our hips right now. What the fuck is going on? I've been doing this all the time. You two have copied me. This is what happens when you're a trendsetter. What do we do then, anyway? Well, I thought I've been about... Because I went to earn some money. Yeah. And boy, are my hands tired and mouth and arsehole.

Oh, yes. Oh, God. You're just a gigolo, man. I just need to find somewhere where I don't need to sit down for a bit. Somewhere I can stand up for a bit. Anyway, I made gigolo, man. I just need to find somewhere where I don't need to sit down for a bit. Somewhere I can stand up for a bit. Anyway, I made £20,000. That sure is a lot of... It's a lot of...

Yeah. Right. So anyway, there's a little... The buffet cars. I thought we'd go for a snack. There's a buffet bar just around the corner. So let's go and investigate it. Oh, what a bacchanal adventure.

Oh, I don't know what that word means. That's one of the buffets in Vegas. Oh. Bacchanal Adventure. Oh, I don't know what that word means. That's one of the buffets in Vegas. Oh. Bacchanal Buffet. Bacchanalian means like kind of... Buccaneer? No, kind of... The Bacchanal...

The brave. They were the religious sect who followed Pan. Yeah. And it was all about having wine. Or was it Dionysus? Well, it's because the food was served in pans. Oh, Dionysus and Pan are sort of the same thing, aren't they? Pan was hairy from the waist down.

Yeah, yeah. He had big old junk as well. Did he? Smelled like a goat. What was pan? He's on the pan pipes. He's half goat, yeah. Is that where you get the phrase pan pipe from?

He's a bit like Mr. Tumnus. And you get the word panic from that as well because you'd hear him up on the hill and you'd think, fucking hell. Where's that goat guy? Oh. The goat freak. That stinky goat freak

and he'll make me dance. He'll make me dance and get off of him. With his 11th tunes. Yeah. Oh, nice. Shall we go to the buffet bar then? Yes, let's.

Hello, fellas. Come on in. Yes, it's Groovy here. Yes, come on, baby. Don't be coy. Oh, look. It's Adolph Manson. Yeah, my throat's a bit strange at the moment, so... Okay, but it's goodovy here. Yes, come on, baby. Oh, look, it's Adolph Manson. Yeah, my throat's a bit strange at the moment.

Okay, but it's good to see you back. Well, I'm working behind the bar, you know. It's a great groovy place here, you know, baby. Sometimes you just got to go where the wind takes you. And the wind took me to this lovely little place. I'm just here behind the bar. I'm doing what I do now, you know. It's all good, baby. Daddy-O knows nothing.

Daddy-O knows nothing? Daddy-O knows nothing. He just knows to pay the bills. Okay, good. You're paying the bills. It's good to see you. Well, I'm doing my good, baby. Shh. Daddy-O knows nothing. Daddy-O knows nothing? Daddy-O knows nothing. He just knows to pay the bills. Yes. Okay, good. And you're paying the bills? It's good to see you. Well, I'm doing my best, yes. Well, we're parched anyway.

So, you know, seeing as we're here, what have you got? Well, I tell you what. I do know that we've had a little message from the big boy upstairs. And he says, whatever you want on the house, just go crazy. Grandowski, great. So it's a free bar, gents. You go crazy. Very definition of an all-you-can-eat.

It's all-you-can-eat, all-you-can-drink, all-you-can-tuck, all-you-can-look, all-you-can-see buffet. I'll tell you what, Mr. Manson, Adolf. Yeah, you can call me Adolf, baby. Don't you worry. We're good friends. Eddie. Can I call you Eddie, baby? No, I don't like that.

Don't do that one. Adolf. Yeah, that's better. Adolf, baby. All right. Adolf, why don't you, for the sake of this ending. Do you need me for this bit? No, you stay there, Paul.

It's okay. You should be quiet. Now, for the sake of this, Adolf, why don't you just give us one of every drink you've got and every snack, and we can just discuss it, and you don't have to be in the scene. Oh, that's great, because I've got to go upstairs, and I've got to do some piss work. Great. On the ice castle. Well, I've been drinking a lot of water

and I just have to stand at the top of a pipe and piss and that's all I've been asked to do, baby. And so, I know there were people sliding down the piss tubes. I believe you were on there

before, you little tidy whiteys. Yeah. Yeah, I saw you, baby. You looked sexy. I saw your little bum crack. By the end of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw all the little marks and scratches. I saw all the little... It's like a shark skin. And you smell like baby Pampers. All of a sudden it became fucking Hercule Poirot for a second there, didn't you? Right, are we going to taste some of these cheap cocktails? Yeah, let me just get some out for you from my little specials place, baby.

Shh, calm down, calm down. Here we go. Oh, he's handed us a lot of drinks here. He wanted a lot of drinks on a tray. And Paul, now there's room for you to enter. Oh, that's great. Now now that he's fucked off. Yeah bye baby it's cool I'm just going to

go do the piss thing it's a piss heavy episode this. We'll see you later. Mostly my fault I blame you. Oh he's really milking his past so

to speak. He really didn't want to do it a second ago now he won't shut the fuck up. I got confused with my headphones. Which of these should

we start with? Let's have a little look at what we Well we've been given the finest of. I got confused with my headphones. Which of these should we start with? Let's have a little look at what we... Well, we've been given the finest of cocktails, I believe, so let's have a look. This is Classic Combinations

Vodka Lime and Lemonade. I have here Rhubarb Gin and Ginger Ale. I've got a Passion Fruit Martini. I've got a Pink Gin and Tonic. These are all by a company called Classic Combinations. Hula Hooch is a pink gin and tonic. These are all by a company called Classic Combinations. Hula Hooch is a different one.

Alcoholic passion fruit and mango brew. Hooch, man. Hooch was the original. Alco-pop. Yeah, that was late 80s, early 90s. That was the first alco-pop. Yeah. Remember Moscow Mules?

I do. I love a Moscow Mule. I like that. Yes. No. No, they were discontinued. They used to do Smirnoff Ice. The thing is, with a Moscow Mule. I like that. Yes. No. No, they were discontinued. They used to do Smirnoff Ice. The thing is with a Moscow Mule,

it was actually based on an existing cocktail that you can get in a bar. But Smirnoff used to do them in bottles. I used to love preloading on a couple of Moscow Mules. Yeah, Friday night. Fucking hell, that was a... I was much more of a Bacardi Breezer kind of person. I bet you were.

Yeah, I know. So we've got two of those hooch ones. Yeah, hooch, a regular hooch here. This is different. We've got one of these hard seltzers. So do you know. Yeah, I know. So we've got two of those hooch ones. Yeah, hooch, a regular hooch here. This is different. We've got one of these hard seltzers. So do you know what? I think we should start with the hard seltzer because the seltzer means unsugared.

Right. So this is just a flavoured alcoholic fizzy water. Okay. And last time we tasted some on Cheap Show, didn't we, Paul? Yes, I didn't like it. That's because we'd been drinking sweet stuff before it. Oh, yeah. It's going to taste a bit sour. before it, I think. So I don't think it gave it a fair shake.

It just tasted like pretty pork. Can we start with this? We do also have for dessert the Bailey's Apple Pie. You've already had some, but we may have had a couple. Right, let's get drinking. Come on. Now this is a Funkin.

Already I don't like the name. I don't like it. I'm Funkin, baby. Is it an'. Already, I don't like the name. I don't like it. No, I don't like that. I'm funkin', baby. Is it an apostrophe? An apostrophe. Please don't tell me that. There's no apostrophe. It's just funkin'. Funkin'.

And the I is a little classic sort of cocktail shaker decal. It puts the funkin', funkin'. Yeah, it does. Hard seltzers established in 1999, they claim. Oh. So I think this has been going on in America a lot longer. As I mentioned before, they've got flavoured fizzy water sugar-free out there. It's huge.

La Croix. Maybe we should do our own fizzy gravy. Alcoholic fizzy gravy called... La Bisto. La. What's the French for poo? La Merde. It's not really. That's the French for shit. Please, could you stop? Please think of some other tack to take apart from

piss or shit. It's all the same again, around and around. Mate, have you not been listening to this podcast for 250 episodes? It's a nice fruity huff immediately escaping from this hard sector. Yeah, but it's always a nice huff, but then a disappointing flavour. Meaty, did you say? Fruity. Oh, God. It's him.

It's been around him. The irony of that is I nearly bought for this section they now do gravy or stock in cans like beer cans

oh wow and I was going to suggest we try that I would drink that that sounds like good old gravy they did beef and chicken

I would just drink that down that's a scur I couldn't proper in like a kind of you know ring pull can I'd need it to be hot similar to the way

like pickle water you can drink that yeah pickle back fine i get that but if i'm gonna have gravy i want it hot yeah i'd prefer hot gravy yeah but we'd give it a go surely oh i didn't see it's vodka this is vodka water and strawberry and raspberry it does smell of vodka and uh you don't like the strawberry what's the vodka hole? I would think it's five. Oh, okay, five. They all seem to be around five, like the same as beer, these things. It's got that flavoured water smell. You know, when you kind of...

Have you ever accidentally drunk that when you think you're going to have water? It's like a horrible shot. I don't think I'm going to like this. I think this is 4.5. Okay. All of these are about 4, I've noticed. They're all around about the 4%. All right, let's give it a go.

Here we go. Again, horribly watered down. It's like that flavoured water. Barely anything. You know what? Yeah. That's not a great thing, but you know what's impressive about it?

You can't really taste the alcohol? At all. At all. You could fool someone. It's literally flavoured water. You could drug someone with that. Well, I said to you last time, you could say you'd fool someone

that they weren't drinking, couldn't you? If you hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known that was alcoholic. That's amazing. But it hasn't got... If you are going to drink alcohol, you want a bit of a... You want the taste of alcohol. That's why wine that's too low alcohol doesn't taste good. The alcohol is part of the flavour profile.

The flavour process, yeah. So, all right. Same with gins. And the better the gin, the higher the alcohol. And it's not because you want it to be more intoxicating. It's to do with the actual flavour. It's that effect. You want that burn.

The burn. Yes. Not very good at all. Let's move on to something sweet. That is terrible. I give that no corners out of four. I will give it... How many out of four?

It's just denial juice, isn't it? It's like I don't want to be reminded that I'm drinking booze whilst I'm drinking booze. I just want to get completely mixed in. But it's not even nice in and of itself. So why would you fucking drink it? I agree. It's like kind of...

But is it a mixer? Do you have it with something else? Or is it just drink that? Well, you could, I guess. You could. It's just people trying not to try... Like with scotch. It can't be a mixer.

It's not strong enough to be a mixer. No. Mix it, you want a flavour that kind of imbues itself into the alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't like that. It's supposed to be light and refreshing at the same time as being intoxicating, isn't it? Th itself into the alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't like that. It's supposed to be light and refreshing at the same time as being intoxicating, isn't it? Thumbs down for me. Yeah, and me.

No, I don't want to be refreshed by alcohol. I want to be wasted. I thought we'd keep on the vodka trail. I'm going to get there. I can tell already. I want to get... Over the next one! Stay on the vodka trail.

We're going to do the classic combinations vodka, lime and lemonade. Splash it all down in there. This is going to be... It smells like sherbet lemon drops. Oh! Bonbons. vodka, lime and lemonade. Splash it all down in there. This is gonna be- It smells like sherbet lemon drops. Oh! Bonbons. It's got a nice, oh no, it's clear.

It's like, ah, whites. I'm a secret lemonade drinker. It's got more of a smell. Ah, swipes, ah, swipes lemonade. Oh, that's got a real pledge, lemon pledge coming off it. Does it? Yeah.

I actually quite like it. I've got my nose in blood. I've got to stop doing that. That tastes like lemonade. Yeah. Why are we not getting any alcohol with these drinks? No alcohol on this either. What is the alcohol content

in that? You have... Four percent. This is quite weak. Yeah. But they do mask it extremely well, don't they? You could give that to a child.

Yeah, you could fool someone. I'm hoping that some of this is more boozy later. These ones, I believe they're Japanese ones, are 5%. It's fine, but it does taste like... It's all right, yeah. Slightly, slightly, slightly alcoholic lemonade. Shall we have another classic combination? The first one wasn't bad, but just, again, I haven slightly alcoholic lemonade. Shall we have another classic combination? Yes.

The first one wasn't bad, but just, again, I haven't got that back of the throat. No, there's none of that. How many corners? It's like you said with the seltzer. Two. If you're not going to have a sort of booze flavour, you've got to have something that is remarkable about what is left.

Do you see what I mean? It's got to taste like the best thing in the world. Yeah, but it just doesn't. It just tastes like a mediocre soft drink. A very mediocre soft drink. Next is, what did you pick? Ooh. Ooh.

Is that the rhubarb and ginger beer? Get a punch. It's a rhubarb gin and a ginger beer. Is that what it is? Rhubarb gin and ginger ale, yes. Nice. Already that's a better combo for me, but again, it's clear.

Ooh. Sparky hop. Ginger ale is interesting because it's often the go-to drink for kind of recovering alcoholics. Is it? Why? Because it has the slight burn. I didn't know that. The burn of the ginger sort of reminds me of the booze burn.

Yeah, yeah. I did not know that. It makes sense, though, I guess. It's good. You know what it goes with? What? Bourbon extremely well. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And rum. And rum. Rum is great with it. I like rum. It's called a rusty nail, isn't it, yeah, yeah, yeah. And rum. And rum. Rum is great with it. I like rum. It's called a rusty nail, isn't it? Something like that, yeah. Something like that. So this is rhubarb, and it's got those rhubarb notes.

I quite like that. No alcohol, but I do like the flavour. You like that flavour? I like the flavour as well. I think it's the rhubarby bit with the ginger ale kind of coming in. Yeah, it's reasonably complex, that one. Complex. It's definitely got a rhubarb hit to it. Which is, again, if you're looking for a flavour, it's better than the lemonade one. It's the complex, that one. Complex. It definitely got a rhubarb hit to it.

Which is, again, if you're looking for a flavour, it's better than the lemonade one. It's the best so far. Yeah. Best so far. How many corners? 2.5 corners. He's given it 2.5 corners.

What's your metric? We're all going to do different metrics. Because, again, it's alcoholic, right? So if I could taste the alcohol, it would get higher. Am I rating it as... Do you see? When it comes to booze drinks, the motive for drinking it

can be more than one thing. Unlike just a soft drink or a glass of water, you're just doing it because you're thirsty or you need hydration. Or you fancy a cup of coffee. You just get it because you want to stay awake. What do you drink for? This is what I mean. What's the purpose of this? Is it to

get wasted or is it to like enjoy the flavour or what am I you know sometimes you want to enjoy the flavour of the alcohol itself you know

it's in there I think it's for people like me who like want to get drunk but don't like drinky alcohol tastes and so if it tastes

like pop it's great and I'm kind of falling into that camp where I'm like this is fucking great should we try a hooch no let's finish off let's finish off with the classic combinations are you finishing now no I'm like, this is fucking great. Should we try a hooch? No, let's finish off

with the classic combinations. Are you finishing now? No, I'm saying let's go more things. No, I'm saying let's finish off the classic combinations selections we've got. And then we'll move on. Can we just go back to the rhubarb one while you're opening that? It's got a nice aftertaste

and I'm enjoying it. Would you like some more? I will have a bit more, yeah. What is this one we've moved on to now? This is pink gin and tonic. What does pink gin mean? What does it... It's a type of gin. I believe it's flavoured with...

Some kind of berry or something. It's not a slow gin, is it? I don't know. I've got a pink gin at home, I think. But I don't know what the difference is. Sniff that and tell me it doesn't smell of feet. Yeah? Okay, no.

I need to have a puff. It's got a slight kind of damp sock smell to it. Well, it's just something astringent. Oh, fucking hell. Do you know what I mean?

It's an astringence. This might be fun. I'm going to deliver this now to everyone's glasses. It's a little bit bean boozled, isn't it? Yeah.

Do you know what I like about the way drinking like this? We're all having tiny bits, but actually we're still drinking can after can. Yeah.

I know, mate. It's just going to be a disaster for the rest of this recording. This is a great idea. We call it micro-drinking or something, where you're not drinking full pints or full bottles, but you're having micro shots. You're drinking the equivalent.

Right, pour it in. Oh, it's a nice pink. Yeah, I like it. It's got a nice kind of dentist mouthwash colour to it. Yeah, it matches your eyes at the moment, Paul. Yeah. This is the first coloured one we've had. And my bum hole.

Cleany, cleany bum hole. Sparkling fresh. Sprice it off, spice it off, la la la la. I like to get the partner of choice to get a mouthful of mouthwash

and go, and then spit it right up my ring piece. And I go, and then I go, Are we reviewing these drinks here, Paul? Are we?

And then I squirt it back out into the recipient's mouth. With your breathing bum hole. I call it my. I used to do breathing bum hole. I call it hole gate. I'm going to say this right now. Yeah. I used to go up on all fours.

I'm sure I've said this in an early episode. Yeah. And then you do a certain relaxed thing. And then the sphinx just sort of relaxes. Yeah. And draws air in. Was this a sexual act? No.

Yeah, it was. A solo one. Would you do this for the entertainment of someone else? Well, once or twice. Did you actually? I could. I could just produce farts. And it's the same thing that, like, lepetamen or these farts,

that's what they do. It's basically I learnt their technique. It's a real thing. You just sort of relax it and, like, the vacuum of your open arsehole sucks in a little pocket of air. Close the sphincter again. Push it out. You've got a fart.

Breathing arsehole. You make it sound so easy. It's almost kind of beautiful, in a way. Perfectly safe. So we do this pink gin then. Bottoms up! No, you've already had some. You've had some of this, Mr. Biffo.

What do you think of this? Oh, I need a bit. Here we go. I began to sip and then... Cheeky, but it does taste of feet still. It's all right. It's just stringent. It's a bit watered down.

So, so far, of the classic combos, the most classicist of the combos has definitely been the rhubarb gin with the ginger ale. The most interesting profile. That's back to one out. Here's the last of the classic combinations. I don't know. I'd give that thumbs up. I thought that was all right. It wasn't awful, but it was fine. 1.5. Right, here's the last of the classic combinations. I don't know. I'd give that thumbs up.

I thought that was all right. It wasn't awful, but it was fine. 1.5. Yeah, I'm upgraded. I'm being a bit too kind of binary about it. It's either shit or it's not, and I'm just kind of being a bit more friendly. We've got fancy Japanese ones coming up.

Right, passion fruit martini. Mate, oh, God, you know what? You burped as I sniffed that. It smelled like I smelt your burp.ed that It smelled like I smelt your burp Good It felt like I smelt your burp The other night It felt like I smelt your burp in the night

This is yellow I was dreaming of smelling your burp tonight Did I tell you this reminds me of When I went to the hospital with my dad A month or so ago And I got covered in his piss I heard about that Yeah, it was on Twitter It was fucking awful Splashback When I went to the hospital with my dad a month or so ago, and I got covered in his piss. I heard about that.

Yeah, it was on Twitter. It was fucking awful. Splashback. Well, no, the entire bloody thing erupted. I mean, the fucking fire hose full of his piss. She was like, she had to go and have a shower, genuinely. Yeah, no shit. It was like a catheter.

There was no shit. Just piss. Just erupted. Right, so here's the martini. This is the martini, passion fruit martini. Passion fruit martini. I think I'm going to like this. Oh, that's cheeky. Oh, yeah.

That's quite fresh and light. No, no, no. You're not liking it. I'm not getting any passion fruit. I'm not getting any passion fruit. Just sweetness and then a tartness. But no, so none of that passion fruit profile. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's not there, but it's still fresh. If you like it, you like it. Don't let me put you off. You seem to have a nice initial reaction to that one. All of these are quite, I don't know if this is because they're old, but they're all quite flat. They need to either be fizzy.

These are new. I bought these yesterday. Shit stuff, isn't it, that you're fucking buying for this show? They need to be fizzy. They're too flat, all of them. Anyway, let's crack on. My stomach's quite upset. I'm beginning to get the terrible grumbles.

Right, let's wash our mouths out with something. We've got hooch or we've got my special Japanese. Let's go with special Japanese. I've got two different flavours. You've not finished your last one yet. I've got aoch or we've got my special Japanese. Let's go with special Japanese. I've got two different flavours. You've not finished your last one. I know. I've got a stomach cramp.

Drink it down. The close of the buffet bar in a minute. I've got some kind of weird alcohol reaction. Like I'm drinking too quick. Hey, fellas. We're going to be cleaning up in a minute, so you've got to get out soon. All right, Adolphe. All right, I've got two. Ac how about two? He's with Sean.

Acid! Asta, this is called. Is this booze? Yeah. And what's that one? Acid! Asta. Acid!

Acid! Wow, one has got... What are those little orange things on the can? That's the fruit that has been mixed with booze for your delectation. Is it tomatoes? No, it's a weird... It's some kind of... Like lychee?

No, one of these strange... Citrus fruits. You know, they've got yuzu, but they also have others and I don't know what this is. Let me see what it says. The singer, Alison Moyer. Oh, Leo.

From her citrus fruit. No, yuzu is a lemon... Let's see, right. was a lemon. Let's see. Category name. Liquor. I will. It's liquor. Acid brew.

This is what we're actually having, guys. Would you want to drink it? Instead of just trying to fucking read it off the side. I'm bored. Drink. I'll drink. No, I'll tell you what the fuck it is first. It is acid brew,

Asta, flat lemon, too high. Right. Thank you. Howid brew, Aster, flat lemon chew high. Right, thank you. How much is the Volcahole? Volcahole. 5% Put it in this glass and make it happen. Make it happen, quick.

So, this is stronger than the previous. If you had a can of this, it would be like... Oh, it's very Clementini. Oh, Clemmy. Do we think that's what the fruit is? It's like a Clementine, I think. You're right, it has. It's got a real Clementini kind of, Clemmy. Do we think that's what the fruit is? It's like a Clementine, I think. You're right, it has. It's got a real Clementine-y kind of hoof to it.

Yeah, that's the strongest smell yet, I think. Oh, this might be quite nice. Here we go. I taste booze for the first time. I'm getting booze in that. That's actually really nice. I can't taste the booze. Do you know what I mean?

Baraka. Yeah. I've never met it. It's less sweet than I was expecting. It's Do you know what I mean? Baraka. Yeah. Got a nice glass of Baraka. I've never met her. It's less sweet than I was expecting. It's got a dry sort of finish. Baraka? I never met her. You repeated it.

We heard it the first time. We just ignored it. We were talking over it. No, no, no. We heard. Primula? I've never met her. Right.

That's nice. I like that a lot. That's got a bit of bite. Superior. Yeah. Oh, I'm happy with that one. That's really nice and refreshing. We've got to try one hooch before we move on, mate.

We've got to try a hooch. Both hoochies, surely. I want to try the original hooch because I've not had it in what? 20 years, maybe? 20 plus years? So I want to see if my brain goes back to that place. That place being a park? You could only drink hooch in a wood.

Yeah. Around the back of a factory. It's got to be somewhere like that. Tell you what, that Acid Aster is fucking lovely. That place being a park. You could only drink hooch in a wood around the back of a factory. It's got to be somewhere like that. I'll tell you what, that Acid Aster is fucking lovely. That's great. Isn't it? Yeah, it gets four corners from me. Really refreshing. Bloody corners infiltrating this bloody thing. Thumbs up. We're all voting differently. Oh, here's the...

Oh, that takes me back. Fucking hell. It's cloudy. I should mention that the Acid Aster was cloudy as well. Yellow cloudy. This is more white cloudy. I'm not getting a lot of half on it. You lose some of it when it kind of opens. Oh, shit.

I just want to know what it is. See, it actually went up. It happened to me before. It happens to you every time we have any bloody drink on the episode. How is that even possible? It happens. It's like a fucking water spout up my nose. When you're close to the hoof, things get caved.

As soon as it settles down, the hoof, it disappears, doesn't it? It's delivered by the bubbles coming through. Yeah, it's the hiss of the top coming off. Hooch, I recognise that. That's familiar. Much sweeter. Oh, that is Hooch. Wow, that really takes me back to like student digs. What percentage is the Hooch? I think it's all 4% here.

Let me have a double check. This is 4.5%. So we have Hula Hooch as well. What's that? Fucking, it's full 4% here. Let me have a double check. This is 4.5%. So we have hula hooch as well. What's that? Fucking full of crisps. Are we trying this? You laugh, but we have crisp flavour fucking soda coming to the studio later, don't we? Do we?

French fry flavour. Oh, do you know what we should do? We've got to have the Bailey's. We should have made A cocktail of all The other drinks And poured it Into a glass I've already got

A very big pain In my stomach Let's do the other Asti then Acid Right everybody Time for the next drink Which is

Acid This is Acid brew Asta Yeah Sicilia Ari Asta The director of

Hereditary Midsommar Yes Yeah good I like that one Don't you The other one was The one we've already Sicilia. Ariasta, the director of Hereditary Midsommar. Yes. Yeah, good. I like that one. Don't you? The other one was. The one we've already tried. I think the booze has unleashed my comic potential.

Flat lemon. That was flat lemon. So that wasn't meant to be. Oh, well, that's good to know. Because it had no fizz, did it? Yeah, that was fine, though. I was happy with that. It doesn't say flat.

It looks like a lemony one. Sicilian lemon. They're revered Sicilian lemons. Do you know what it is? It's these Japanese products have a certain accuracy. A delicacy. A flavour and a, yes.

A delicacy. They're spot on, aren't they? Yeah. So we've got the French fries coming. No messing about with this. All right, I'm now getting to the bit where we're standing up hard.

Right, come on. Drinky, drinky. You've got to drink it. It's been the most fun I've had so far. Stop complaining. Yeah, well, you've won a of pounds, and you're drunk. I can't smell much.

Oh, I'm smelling it. Lemony. Yeah, come on, Paul. I can't smell it. This is another cloudy one. Looks to be not fizzy as well. These are... Yeah.

How's that? It's a little bit like Winderleaf. How's that compared to the hooch? Because we had classic hooch, which is a lemonade. It's better than the hooch. And this is basically a Sicilian lemonade. The reason why this is better than the hooch, even though they're very, very similar,

is that this doesn't have that kind of sweetener aftertaste. And yeah, hooch is very sugary. It's got much of a tart, dry cut off. Yeah, but lighter. Light and dry. Yeah, crisp. Last drink on our free bar. I can't believe we got through all of these.

We've got to have a little sip of the apple pie. Come on. We'll have the apple pie. I say what? Let's do that now. No, as a chaser, as a little chaser. Come on, get the passion fruit hooch out now. We'll do it now.

I'm going to vomit. If I have Baileys and then more hooch. He's doing it. He's gone maverick. Yeah, come on. Come on. What kind of Baileys is this then? This is apple pie.

Limited edition. Does it have fucking flour in it? I've got everything escaping from you. Cold apples. It's like... It's like a Halloween party where you go out and drink that and now I can give you some Baileys.

Put Baileys in there. I've got stomach cramps. Do not put Baileys in my fucking acid. Acid. This show went quickly off the fucking rails. Of course it does. If we fucking down carbonated alcoholic drinks one after the other...

You'll be glad to know that's not carbonated yet. The Baileys. I'm enjoying my Acid Asta Siciliana. Acid Ass. I'm going to have a little go of this apple. Chug, chug. I can smell the apple, but I can also smell the kind of alcoholic whiff of Baileys.

What I've discovered in my afternoon stroke evening of drinking. A stroking evening. It's my stroking evening. Excuse me, darling. I'm going for a stroking evening. I'm going for a stroke this evening. Hello, darling. Give my stroking room.

Give my stroking jacket. I find there is an apple aftertaste, but it's not immediately recognisable. Here we go. I've got a real sort of caramel. Yeah. Caramel. Okay, so that's not as unpleasant as I thought it was going to be.

And you're right. The apple pie flavour kind of rolls in afterwards. Yeah. Like a PR. There's the vodka hole on this the pier it's about there's only about 15 percent in it for baileys see that's i'd i think i got wrecked on bailey's last christmas no it's time for this betty he didn't pay these it's like don't you vomit horrendously no no you didn't are you not a big puker when you drink too much i haven't well i haven't done it for three years.

It happens to me, like, quite a lot. Really? Yeah. It's funny, that. Yeah. It's because I'm a small man. Shut up. No, it's like, yeah, I've not thrown up since I was 21.

And then, yeah. Wow. Then three years ago, I had champagne on top of a load of beer. Yeah. Something like that. That would do it. It was after a gig as well but it's the fighting it

we all had that experience when we drove back from doing Supernatural yeah that car journey was the worst two hours of my life I've been on a night bus

fighting it I've told you this story before but I was one stop away from home and I was like no it's coming now and I dinged the bell to get off the bus

the doors opened I was still standing on the bus my doors opened I was still standing on the bus my record trolley is all there on the bus I vomited copiously did the same at Euston station off the bus

the doors closed and then I was like oh more's coming and I went more's coming and he opened the doors again and I peeped off again and then I drove one stop

back to where I was going nice that's the worst thing here's the hooch no I'm not Alan Hooch alcoholic passion fruit and mango brew.

What I will say is Brew, you see, has that been fermented in some way? I don't know. Or do they just use that as a kind of oh, it's like moonshine?

Well, I think no. I think if you use the word brew, you have to be Oh, I've made it all foamy. I've made it all foamy because of the Oh, fucking hell.

Because I've made it all foamy. It's curdled. I haven't tried the Baileys yet. I've curdled because the Baileys are still in the glass. Yeah, drink the Baileys and I've made it all foamy I haven't tried the Baileys yet I've curdled because the Baileys are still in the glass Drink the Baileys and I've got something for you to think about Which is that I think having the Baileys was a mistake On top of all that other stuff Because I suddenly feel like

I don't feel so good I've just turned this into drain water as well Because it's got a little bit of That Baileys isn't as bad as I thought It's alright, I think it's fine I mean I like Baileys as it is anyway i'm just gonna rinse my uh glass out i didn't i'm living on the edge oh that that smells good hawaiian hooch yeah it's all right actually eli's gone to be sick oh it's got a horrible sweetener aftertaste but the initial hit's quite

refreshing come on eli oh what are you doing let's finish this up and try this hooch then sweetener aftertaste, but the initial hit's quite refreshing. Come on, Eli. Oh, what are you doing? Let's finish this up, then. I'll try this hooch, then, shall I? And then we can all go back out into the casino. Oh, fuck me. Yeah, this is good. Mmm.

Is that all right, the Hootah Hooch? I like that passion fruit hooch. Yeah, it's got a bit of a... That's among my favourites. It's like a Rubicon. It's got elements of a... It tastes like a soft drink, yeah.

Yeah. Right, well, I... But more flavour than any of those classic combo ones. They were a bit. The hard seltzer and the classic combo. I have to say,

I was most impressed with the acide. Yeah, I like the acide as well. But to be fair, all of it was tolerable and fine and cheap, so great.

Acide was good, was interesting. Baileys I liked just for the novelty factor. But I think this Hawaiian hooch is my favourite. Really?

That's getting three and a half out of four corners. Vel, come on, fellas. It's time to clean out. I've got to clean the buffet bar for the next people coming in in the next quarter. Thank you. We enjoyed those. Yeah, thank you very much. It was very nice of you.

And we enjoyed all the free bar. What are you doing? Do you want to join us maybe later after your shift finishes? Vel, maybe I do. Yeah, for sure. Just find out a little bit later. We're going to be in the salon privy or something. All do. Yeah, for sure. You have to find out a little bit later. We're going to be in the salon privy

or something. All right, yeah, for sure. I'll catch you later. Cool dudes. See you later, cool dudes. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Let's explore the casino. Fucking hell. You know what? Should we just take a seat Somewhere and maybe Oh god Really nice to sit down Yeah go to the

Go to the show It's good to see Adolf though He looks happy Yeah he looks happy It's nice changing It was always happy He's a merry little boy isn't he He's a merry little boy

Doing his little thing Let's just go and Sit down You know we could go Watch some of the entertainment Oh yeah Let's go to the Moonlight Lounge

Let's take in a show Yeah let's go Alright Let's go to the Moonlight Lounge. Let's take in a show. Yeah, let's go. All right, let's go. All right, yeah. Hey, come in. Come in. Sit down. You're here.

Jimmy Biscuits is here. Your emcee for tonight's entertainment. I hope you're going to enjoy the show. We've got so much to do. It's Jimmy Biscuits. Jimmy Biscuits is doing the show. It's Jimmy Biscuits is doing it. Come on.

Sit down. Come on. Come on. Sit down. Hey, you two. Come sit down over here, you. That's my special boys. You go sit down right there, you two. Come sit down over here, you. My special boys. You go sit down.

Right down the front. Ladies and gentlemen, you're welcome. You're welcome to the Grand Flange. Tonight, I got the biscuits. And Jimmy Biscuits is going to be your MC. Oh, he's going to treat you. We got such a great lineup of acts tonight. The greatest, fantastic, most succulent entertainment in the lands coming to you tonight.

We got a bit of comedy, a bit of romance, a bit of music, a bit of dance. Oh, we got so much going on. Oh, it's going to be so fun. Hey, hey, hey, I'm Jimmy Biscuits, and I'm back on the stage living it large. Oh, you got to love it. So, hey, hey, where you from? That's my favorite town as well. Hey, where you from?

That's my favorite town as well. Where you from? That's my favorite town as well. Hey, where are you from? That's my favourite town as well. Where are you from? That's my favourite town as well. Where are you from? That's my favourite town as well. Where are you from, little boy? Can you stop doing naked gun, please? Oh, that's what it's from.

I came from a different dimension. I came from a different dimension. Police squad. You're doing police squad. I don't watch police squad. I don't know it. Where are you from? That's my favourite town. Where are you from? That's my favourite town.

Where are you from? That's my favourite town too. Where are you from? That's my favourite town. Where are you from? That's not your favourite town. It's where you're from. You're misquoting me.

Where are you from? That's my favourite town. That's where I'm from. Where are you from? You fucking idiot. That's my favourite town as well. That's where I was born. Where are you from?

London. I'm from there as well. You see, I got it in the end. Right, Paul. That's my favorite town as well. That's where I was born. Where are you from? London. I'm from there as well. You see, I got it in the end. Right, so, without any more further ado, please welcome to Set Your Mind Alight with Comedy Adventure. With comedies, timing, and skill. He's been off the stage for quite some time now, but please, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome onto the stage the comedy stylings of Bobby Bollocks. Hello, Bobby Bollocks. Hello, everybody. It's great to be here. I'm Bobby Bollocks. You might have heard of me. I had a little bit of a trouble with the law about 20 years ago. But I'm out now. I'm fucking out now. And I'm fucking ready to rock and roll. Bobby's back on the scene, baby. You know what? I fucking... I like to go to kitchens, look in the cupboards, and then take out plates and say, Oh, that's a plate. That's a dirty plate.

That's a dirty plate, love. No, do some fucking crowd work, Bobby. It's not working. Right. Who are you, young man? My name's Paul. Oh, yeah, Paul? Do you pull on your knob and fucking wank off all the time? Yeah, I do. Yeah, you look like you do.

I do. Yeah. Oh, what about this young man here? It's a Mr. Biffo. Oh, Mr. Biffo. Mr. Biffo sounds like a clown, doesn't he, ladies and gentlemen? Do you know what I did to a clown once? He looked at my missus and I fucking decked him.

Cunt. Right. And Bobby Bullocks, hello! It's fucking great to be back on the scene, ladies and gentlemen. Tell you what, this place, the Grand Flange, it's a fucking wonderful venue and anyone will help you there. There was a little bellboy

who gave me more than a fucking hand with my luggage you know what i mean yeah all right that hit right good great work the crowd bobby all right so i tell you what though ladies and gentlemen the food in this resort is absolutely stunning i said can i have baggers and mash? You know what the waitress said to me? You can have more than that, love. I'll fucking gob you off. You know, this is my cleaner stuff, ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not.

But I was, you know, drinking last night, ladies and gentlemen. I'll let you into a little secret. A little peek behind the curtain of Bobby Bollocks' life. I live in this hotel. I've got a fucking season here. I'm doing a season. And I was on the booze last night, and I fucking had too much, you know.

And you get on the TV, and you start watching pornography, and you're pissed, you know. And I shat the bed. Hey! Hey, I shat the bed. And I said, I called up fucking room service. I said, here, Vera,

if that's your name, come up and fucking Uber up this shit off me bed. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I've been Bobby Bollocks. Thank you very much. That's fantastic. Bobby Bollocks live. Live in the Moonlight Lounge at the Grand Flange. Well, we've got such a great night

ahead of you. Got some music coming up, but first, we're going to make things a little bit more sexy. Doing her new act. She's been practicing it all year. She calls it the scab strip tease. We don't know what that involves, but she's got a lot of scabs. Let's find out what happens next.

On stage, performing her new routine. Why, it's my new wife, Sneaky Vicky. Paul, I can't watch this. I don't want to watch this. I don't want to watch this. Shall we just get out of here? Let's go. Let me think we saw the best of this. I think we've seen the best of it.

Let's just go. And that wasn't that great. Let's see if we can play some more gambling games or whatever. Oh, yeah. We've got the roulette. Let's do that. You lost two grand. I've made a couple of grand back, though, so it's all right.

Have you? How? Touching nose, shushing lips. You don't need to know, mate. You're such a dick. You shut up. Anyway, you shut up. Let's go play some games.

Let's see where Biffo is. Right, I'm not watching that anymore, so what do you want to do? Sticky Lizzie. God, Sticky Vicky. I thought it was Sticky Lizzie. Didn't he say Sticky Lizzie? It was Sticky Vicky.

It's always been Sticky Vicky. I like Sticky Sarah. Well, we don't talk about her no more. I like Sticky Vicky. I like Tacky McHattie. Great, we're all doing fine. We're all fine. The drinking didn't affect us at all in any respect.

Well, we may be a bit drunk now, right? In the story, aren't we? Yes, listen. I don't want to do that no more. I want to play another game. You don't want to do what no more? I don't want to do none of that no more. I don't want to watch Sticky Vicky take her clothes off.

What no more you don't want to do, though? Vicky's Dicky Ticking her clothes off. I don't want to do none of that no more? I don't want to watch Dickie Vicky take her clothes off. What no more you don't want to do? Vicky's Dickie taking her clothes off. I don't want to do that. If you remember the narrative that you established. I did. I saw the first scab come off on her knee and I thought, I'm out. Do you see? Why did it have to be that?

It really brings me down. I know, but that's Dickie Vicky's act. It's just all goopy goop. Goopy goop. Fine. It's how she's made her name. Discharge. Yeah.

It's how she makes her name. And what? So it's like scabble discharge. You bring it. You bring the scabble discharge. I don't bring it. She brings it. Scabble's not a word.

She didn't bring it. Scabbs were scabbed too far. It was too much. Well, I didn't want to watch it either, Paul, so let's move on with the narrative. Let's play for the game show. There's a roulette table next to it. Roulette room.

Have you ever done roulette? I used to deal roulette as a croupier. Well, then, let's do roulette. You can be the croupier, then. We can do that. And it was pre-smoking ban. Yeah. And these Chinese patrons would come in every day,

because it's right next to Chinatown, and smoke fags directly into my face. And there was, like, sort of fans that would blow these, like, cigarettes straight... Smoke into your face. Why did they have those fans? Just to ventilate the venue. Just to blow smoke. Just certain tables in certain positions.

You would just be bad. You'd get a bad one. And there's nothing you can do. You can't say, can you just stop? Can you fuck off smoking in front of my face? It's like, no,

they're paying patrons and they want to... They're not Patreons. They're not paid patrons. www.patreon.com So you had these 45... Because they didn't want you to get tired

and make mistakes and lose money. Yeah. So you'd only have 45 minutes on and then a 15-minute break. Is that because of the small eight-hour shift? Wow. Is that to stop you getting kind of lung diseases?

No, it's just to stop you getting tired. Oh. Because you're mental. You have to constantly be doing sort of mental arithmetic whilst you're doing roulette. And so they reckon that you get tired and then someone can cheat you easier or whatever. So why were my math lessons at school an hour

and not 45 minutes well I don't know because they they weren't you weren't going to lose loads of money for the school well it's not

metamor arithmetic 45 minutes is too much is it so it's too much in a commercial setting but in a lesson setting it doesn't matter

if your your uptake of the maths drops off after 45 minutes it didn't matter to me I got a D I was terrible. I was also not very good at maths. But anyway.

Hey, surprise. I'm not good at maths either. I think... I know. My mental arithmetic... Hopeless. Yeah, pretty much. Horrible.

The interesting thing about learning to deal roulette is that you start to... Similar to the way that in East Asia they teach mental arithmetic with this abacus model, hand abacus. Yeah, and you see him. And what happens is you get used to manipulating it. Talking to the mic. And after a while, it's not even the conscious part of your brain

that is doing the mathematical calculation. It's a muscle memory thing with your hand. And you can do long division and stuff just by this visualisation of the abacus in your hand. Do you think they ever get RSI? Yes. I've got it. You've got it.

In a similar way to that... Your hand abacus. When you learn to deal roulette, you start to do these manipulations of the chips. So you're actually doing the math physically by manipulating. Do you see what I mean? Like you're counting with your hand

without actually consciously... Because you know where your hand's going, what your fingers are doing and all this exactly you lose it again and I hated that job so much like you said you have a break

every 45 minutes and then you go up to the canteen for your break smoking room yeah and this like all night

sort of hot plates with bacon do you know what I mean so I go I'll have a seventh huge bacon roll you know what I mean? Fucking hell. I know, crazy. Yeah, sounds great. So I go, I'll have a seventh huge bacon roll. You know what I mean?

You wouldn't want that after 45 minutes of maths. I was killing me. I was grey. You used to do rolling shifts like in a hospital. Four days on, two off, four on. So your weekend was never the same as anyone else. No. At all.

Wow. It was killing me. Sounds like the best. So with that in mind, do you want to do it again? I just heard bacon. I took all my holiday and then quit at the end of the holiday and I still owe him a grant.

Fucking hell. Poof, poof. Have you ever played roulette before? Well, yeah, I told you the story earlier about how I won $900. And my dad made me pay for the bloody rental car

the next day with it. Well, there you go. Well, no, no, it's not there you go. It was shit. I was really annoyed. I was like, oh yeah,

I won $900. Yeah, but you didn't end up actually spending any of your own money to rent the car. Well, we were going to, no, I was really annoyed. I was like, oh yeah, I won $900. Yeah, but you didn't end up actually spending any of your own money to rent the car. Well, we were going to, no, we were going to go halves on the rental car. That was the idea. He made me pay for the whole thing and I'm winning. That's a dick move then. I agree. I think that was a little bit of a dick move.

Oh, so you've come to play roulette? Yes, we'd love to play roulette, so why don't you show us how it's played? Now, I will do that, but firstly, how much money have you got to wager with? I've got, see, after all my

extracurricular money earning detail, I've managed to amass an extra two grand in the back. Have you? Yeah. Oh,

it's a double zero board, this American. When I trained, it was a single zero. What's going on? So, basically, what's the deal?

If you put a bet on odd, which is half the numbers, you get paid 50-50. You get paid one-to-one, right? Yeah. But your actual odds of winning are slightly less because of the zeros

because you lose on either of the zeros. You lose the even bet on the zeros. Oh, you lose on the zeros. Yeah. And the one zero, adding one zero is enough to fucking print money for casinos.

But in fucking Vegas, they've got double zero. It's even worse. It's doubly worse. I don't understand. It's a casual player. So if you're in a casino in Vegas and there's sort of single zero boards and there's double zero boards, always go to the single zero. They're fucking you twice as hard as that.

How does the double zero work then? If I put money on double zero, what am I expecting? You get paid out if you bet on them. Yeah, but what is going to come up on the roulette wheel? And a big, big pay tag. They've got double zeros. They're one of the numbers there. But doesn't that fuck the averages of it all?

You could have called it anything. It doesn't have to be double zero. It could have been like F. So, Paul, look. There are 37 numbers. Talking to the mic, otherwise I can't point. I'm trying to look at the board. Fucking hell.

So, if it was a fair bet, and you put it on odd or even, it's like flipping a coin. It's 50-50, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you make those bets, if it lands on the zero, or the double zero, you lose that bet. So there's an extra two numbers that lose for you, so it's not exactly half and half.

Do you know what I'm saying? Right. Why did they put it on then? To make money! So the house wins! So the house always wins! Because it's... Why did they put it on then? Well, to make money. So the house wins. So the house... The house always wins. Because it's not fair.

I'm beginning to think that casinos aren't legit. They're almost balanced. You actually don't understand the basic sort of statistical maths behind what I just said. I like chickens. You know what? You deserve to lose whatever the fuck left you've got. I've got four grand. I've got 15,000.

You have not got four grand. How much did he lose playing a blackjack? He was down to... We got four grand. I've got 15,000. You have not got four grand. How much did he lose playing a blackjack? He was down to, we got three grand, right? You were down to 1,500. You were down to.

1,500 you were down to. I'm taking them away. This is not fair. He's stolen from the bank. I haven't stolen. You have stolen from the bank. I was working hard for the money.

Because I had like at least three times as much as you. I know, but I was working hard. I was working hard. Gambling skills. I had at least three times as much as you. I know, but I was working hard. I was working hard. Gambling skills. I got a grand. Are you sure?

One grand. One grand. Look. You've got 15k. 1,500. Right, good. Quite right, too. Ha-ha.

Remember all those charms of the boomers? And how much do you have, Mr. Biffo? I've got about 6,000. Yeah, you had a good run on the blackjack. You've dropped your little T-pusher. I need this squeegee thing. Well, you can pocket it. Right, so what do we do?

What do we do right now? You have to place your fucking bets. Do you want to know what they pay out? Yeah. So. These are two to one. Two to one. Yeah.

Columns two to one. Yeah. Any number, you get 35 to one. Right. These are just like the columns. Yeah. Three to two. Three to two. So even. First just like the columns. Yeah. 3 to 2. 3 to 2.

Even. First 12. Or second 12. Third 12. It's very easy. Can I put multiple bets on? You bet on four numbers. Yeah.

I'll demonstrate. Your chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There, you put it on the intersection. Oh. You get those come up. Would you like me to show you as an expert in roulette? No. I'm going to learn as an expert in roulette? No.

Someone with a solid track record. I won 900 quid. I did. Have you ever won that? Yeah. In anything? Yeah. Apart from being the biggest bell end in the world.

I won that. Baby, too. You should not be talking. Having a good time. Right. So let's just do this. I'm going to bet. Chuck them on there.

You tell us how much we've won or lost. All right. Here we go. All right. And you can't bet after the ball. I've said no more bets. All right. Do we put our bets down after you spinny?

Do the spinny. Right up until I say place no more bets. You've got to put the dice, the ball in. Why is he putting loads on? Because I'm a high roller. I'm known as a high roller. I've only got a few. That's my thing. My main thing. Oh, thrown it in. He's like, oh, he's done it. Spinny, spinny, spin. Oh, the ball's going round and round and round. No more bets. No more bets. What is it? Has it landed? Yeah. Shut up. Has it? Shut up. Shut up, Paul. What is it? 33. On black. I've got two on black. Shut up. No more bets.

Get your hand off the table. I haven't touched nothing. No, it looked like you were manipulating that bet. I've lost a large amount of money. No, I haven't. Well, don't get your word. You learn a lesson here. I only put one bet on, and that was on black. Well, you learn a lesson here, because I would have got you kicked out if this was a real situation.

Fuck off. No, because you put your hand off. I said no more bets. Paul. You get your fucking hands off the betting surface. I didn't touch it. He moved my chips.

I pointed just to show you that I've got black. You could easily have just dropped another chip on top. I can't. You could even count my chips.

I'm sorry. You could even count my chips. I've had too much black alcoholic soda drinks. Black 33. So what does that

mean? How much have I won? I think our crew PA is pissed and I want to make a complaint. Right, you... What are you on black? You get two. Me? Where's the bank? It's over there. Just give me two round ones. I haven't lost everything. He's lost everything.

No, not everything. I'm still ahead of you. How many spins are we doing? Many. Three. Three again. Three spins. OK. Place your bets, please. I'm still ahead of you. How many spins are we doing? Many. Three. Three again. Three spins. I've got 1,000. Just make them in separate piles, please. How do we know which one's which? Because we've got the same colours.

Why have you got a red chip? I didn't get a red chip. You gave me a red chip just now. It doesn't matter. They're all 100. See, this is why I was saying we should have a colour-coordinated chip so we know where we're betting. But whatever, I'm just proving right. You're not proving right. I am proving right, because now we don't know. You do need to do that for a minute.

You have colour chips, yeah. Mine are on the edges, see? That's how you know they're mine. Mine are right slap down. Where are your bets, Mr Biffo, please? I have got black and first aid. I've got 400 on black and... Oh, no, no. Is the black mine?

Yeah. I've got 400 on black. You bet on red. Is the black mine? Yeah. 400 on black. Red and 36. And you bet on 1 to 18, yeah? Yeah. And odd. Spin that wheel. Spin it, spin it,

spin it. He's spinning the roulette wheel again. The ball was ready. It's a tiny little. Spin, spin, spin the roulette wheel. Oh, is that to your satisfaction, Paul? Not really, but this is just going to become a shit show. It's going round and round.

No more bets, Paul. Calm down. Calm down. Black. Oh, I get something. Hey, I get something. I get something this time. I've got mine on black and odd. Red loses, yeah? Yeah, that's fine. Get rid of that. Black and odd for me.

I'm in the money this time. I don't know what you are. I've lost track. Told you I'm in the money. I've got some blues in return. That's me. That's me. Stop.

No. Odd is not shit. Odd is correct. Odd pays out. Odd is shit. So calm down, Paul. Odd is shit. You're shit.

You're shit. Well, you're shit is odd. So, you know. I'm on that one. It's all right. I calm down, Paul. Odd is shit. Your shit. Your shit. Well, your shit is odd. So, you know. I'm on that one. It's all right. I'm doing all right here. How much have you got now? Same as I started.

I don't know if I've got more or less. I think you've got a little bit more. That's probably less. Oh, no. Oh, any on the floor belongs to me. No, don't. Yeah, that's mine. It's now been added to mine.

Give me that! How many more spins? One more. Last spin. I've got to go big on this one. Remember we have got more games coming up to play so you don't want to put it all on. No I know. Made a mess of my chips.

What you mean on those four numbers? Yeah. You're betting on four numbers? Yeah yeah yeah. One, two, three, four. Some fancy ones. And that one. And that one. And that one.

Those two. Okay, fine. Just keep an eye on your own bets. I hope you'll be honest. We'll be honest. His is the blue. Mine are all the others. Mine's the blue and the red.

Here we go. So I've got mine on one to 13, black. And I've got it on one, two, four, five. Mine are on red. On one, two, no, 12. No one cares about you. 22. Shut up.

Here we go. No, I'm all good. Here, spin the wheel. 11, 12, 14, oh no, 12. No one cares about you. 22. Shut up. Here we go. No, I'm all good. Spin the wheel. 11, 12, 14, 15. Here it goes. The last roulette. Roulette's played. Leave it.

No more bets. What is it? It's black. Six black. So I'm on six black. Oh, fuck. Fucking hell. I've lost all my money.

I've got black, though. And I've got 1 to 13. And I've got one to 13. So I've got those two. These are mine. What's this one? Did that lose? Yeah, that lost. Do you know what I hate about this?

It's almost like a game of chance. I know. I don't like the fact that I don't know what's going to happen. It's like a sort of game of chance. It's very hard to have any skill in this game. There is no skill. And Einstein, in fact, famously remarked, you don't get professional roulette players.

Why don't you get professional roulette players, he asked. It's a game of chance. Absolute, 100% chance. I have the exact same money I started with. That's good, you've done well. I've got the exact less amount. Biffo went on a bit of a... He went on a bit of a spending spree.

So he's got 1,000... I've got 1,600. He's got a downturn. What I don't understand is how I won $900 that time. Did you let it ride or were you swapping it around? I'm swapping it all around. Yeah. So you just go...

Yeah, and I was doing this thing where I was kind of like, so I had my hand in my chin. Hand in my chin? Chin in my hand. Like I kind of like knew what I was doing. Like there was some scientific method. Ooh, ooh, but... No, but everyone has a system.

That's why roulette is the ultimate sucker's game. Yeah. When I was dealing with the Golden Nugget, these old Chinese gentlemen would come in and they'd have this whole system written down in these little notebooks and they'd take a note of every number that came up. But it doesn't matter, does it?

And then they'd bet these little bets, like the little four-number bets, a couple of quid, like, and they'd do it, you know. Like micro-wins. Because when I went, I walked around the set, I was really scared because I don't know

how to play poker or anything like that. Wink, wink. However, I didn't do that. However, I went around trying to find

as many tables that would have something that I wasn't intimidated by. And I found this really drunk English couple on a roulette table and you were playing with them. And they keep losing while you run 900 quid. Yeah, I wasn't intimidated by. I found this really drunk English couple on a roulette table and you were playing with them.

And did they keep losing while you won 900 quid? Yeah, I bet they loved you. So how much has he got? He's got... Like 1,000... Well, that's a grand. Yeah, 1,000.

He's probably got like two and a half grand. Something like that. 2,300. 2,300. I've got 1,600. I'm only 900 behind. Well, it's not competition. We're just here to spend money at a time. I want to win, though. I want to 900 behind. Well, it's not competition.

We're just here to spend money. I want to win, though. I want to win lots of money. You are losing compared to me. That's the main thing. I want to do. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling like I want to do poker.

I want to do some big money poker. All right. So what else have we got to do then, Paul? Well, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I've my stomach settled now from all those sodas. Soda drinks. A real bad.

It's like head freeze. What's it called? Brain freeze. Yeah. With the stomach. With the stomach. I. What's it called? Brain freeze. Yeah. But with the stomach. With the stomach. That's when I have a lot of carbonated drink all very quickly. Yeah.

It's really like a cramp or something. Yeah. It's very nasty. I just need to go tinkle again. So I'm going to go tinkle, and then we'll come back. I'll tell you what we need to do. We're all like characters and stuff. No, we need to go to the privy.

Let's go to the privy. Privy salon. Get some hot... You mean the salon privy? The salon privy. The privy is what soldiers in Second World War used to shit in, my friend. Yeah, let's go to the Privé. Sounds about right.

No, fuck you! Mate, let's stop by the Privé and see what's going on there, all right? The Privé. Fuck off, it's the Salon Privé. Oh, what's that on the door? Grumpy Con 2021? Oh, I want to see what this is. Hello?

Oh, hello there. How's it, Paul? Oh, how good to see you. It's dark in here. Did you turn the lights on? Oh, no, no. You know, it just gets glary after a while. It's just it's really dark in here.

Oh, I like the dark. What's going on in here, then? No, I like it glary after a while. It's just it's really dark in here. I like the dark. What's going on in here, then? No, I like it. It's cosy. Yeah, but what are you doing in here by yourself? Oh, I'm doing a conference. People come and see me because I was almost on Doctor Who. Wait, so this is a grumpy comic con? That's right.

Have you done any shows? I did that sci-fi ice cream advert. Yeah, I know, but that wasn't like a big thing. That was big. Are you signing? You got any merchandise? I've got plenty. Like what?

This T-shirt. The Ice Cream Man come of T-shirts. And my book. You have a book? Oh, hi, Grumpy. Oh, hi, Grumpy. What's it about? It's my autobiography.

Has it got any good stories in it? All sorts of ice cream media related stories. Are all the films you've been in just based around you being an ice cream man? That's why I kind of got pigeonholed in the middle of my career, yeah. But there's a very good opening section which is about the feathery

powdery embrace of my mother's skirts around Hitchin. Right. Where I was brought up, you know. Oh, that sounds delightful. Hitchin, yes. It's, you know. So, well, this sounds...

Have you had many people... Powdery, her embrace. Have you had... Yeah, have you had that many people come by? Oh, you're the first, actually. How long have you been here for? Oh, four days now.

So Grumpy Con's been a success? Well, yes. And I'm the first person to come past? Yes. Right, well... Do you want some signed merchandise? You can have a copy of the book. It's only £287,000.

No, you know what? I'm going to have to just go. Don't go. But I'm going to have to go, because this is weird. Do you want me to do some stuff on the on the podcast no no we're all right i can do a lot of range of ice cream sellers i've played no i've played people who work i've got to go in ice cream development i need to go to the privy a scientist ice cream scientist think about this think about this for a second new character grumpy ice cream

scientist no i know but we're but that's not right now. I've tasted this ice cream. It's a new kind, unknown to man. No, we're going to move on. We're going to have to... This new ice cream is beyond comprehension of modern day science. Good luck with your conference, but I'm going to move on. I'm going to go now.

Okay, Paul. No, fair enough. Fine. No, fine. I hope you have a lovely... It was lovely to see you. Yeah, take care. Good to see you again. Oh, I'll go to sleep.

I'll just leave you to it. Bye-bye. The powdery skirts of my mother. Hey, is that the privy? Is that the toilet privy, whatever it's called? It's not the toilet. What's it called? It's the room where the high- value customers go to gamble, Paul. So what does that mean though? Does that mean

they can do secret bets? It's just if you know you're Jeff Bezos and you want to bet a million quid you know on a flip of the coin. Oh, so it's just like

And you don't want others you don't want commoners. You know, it's like for your high end you have the salon privé and they also have the most attractive or you know

skilled and experienced dealers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we've got VIP passes. Let's see if we can get in. There's one at the door there. We can. Jodorowsky, not him. He's a filmmaker.

Yeah. Brandovsky. He gave us the VIP. Yeah, we can just show these laminated things. Right, let's show it to that kid on the door. Just like the one Mr. Biffo had. Yeah. Where is he?

He's gone off to a... Wank in a bush. He's just there. He's just there, Paul. I'm not wanking a bush. You're wanking in a bush. He's just following us. He's not been in this episode a lot, has he?

He's been in most of the fucking episode. All right, I just miss him a bit. Oh, he's just going to sit down for this bit. I'm out of here. Leave him wanking. Right, so we've got the laminated cars. Let's get in this salon privé, see what the fucking big deal is, yeah? All right.

Right, so we've got the laminated cars. Let's get in this salon privé, see what the fucking big deal is, yeah? All right. Excuse me, can we come in? We've got VIP passes. Yeah, all right, Governor, Mister. Hello. Et cetera. Well, who are you? Well, we've been given VIP passes. We want to see behind the door. I've heard a lot of things since I've been working on this door, you know?

Yeah, I know. A lot of people come up to me, they do. They say things like, I'm Mr. This and That. I'm Mr. Big Potatoes. No, but we've got to pass. I'm Mr. Willy Wonka. He is a real person.

He did come in. But... Yeah, I know. I've been through a lot of stuff, mister, I tell you that, on the streets. What, I tell you what, how about... Of old London. How about...

Old fucking London, down there, selling matches. Yeah, matches. Selling my own self. Shining shoes. Spitting. Spitting into people's mouths. What do you want then?

All I'm saying is if you're not on the list, you're not coming in. Doesn't matter, we've got VIP pass. What's your name? Me and Eli have got passes. What's your name? I'm Eli. I think you should be polite to the doorman, please, Paul. Oh, fuck off.

Just because he's one of your characters. All right. I just need to check it off. It's a matter of formality, Mr. Paul Gannon. G-A-N-N-O-N. Check it. Oh, yeah.

Gabon. Ganman. There's not that many people with similar names. Ganman. Gamayajan. Gamunan. Ganugan. What?

Why are you taking the piss out of me? Gramargos. I'm just reading this list of words out. Ginormon. I'm reading. Gaga. I'm reading. I'm reading. I'm reading the list of bleeding names out. Are there all that many people with GA?

Is your friend all right? I don't. Sorry, Paul, can you shut the fuck up? Just let me in the fucking room. Just let me in the fucking room. This has gone on fucking long enough. Let me in the fucking room. I'm tired of this and fucking you. You has gone on fucking long enough. Let me in the fucking room. I'm tired of this.

And fucking you. You fucking shit character. Let me in your fucking little room. Oh, I didn't realise. Both of you come in. Come on, Eli. Let's go in the privy. Alright, that was good. Oh, I like it in here, Eli. I tell you what, I like it. It's all moody, and you're right,

it's gold-plated, some of the parts of this bar. It's very, very exciting. I wonder what hot deals are being made, hot gambles. Look, there's that... What is that? ...piss crystal bar. Oh, I want to see. It's made of ice, made of piss.

Yeah, I know. Do you reckon if you lick it, you get your tongue stuck to it? Well, ice works like that, yeah. If I rub if you lick it, you get your tongue stuck to it? Well, ice works like that, yeah. If I rub my winky along it, would I get stuck to it? You could rip part of the skin from your penis helmet off on it, and it would be like a bleeding little shred. I'll see you in five minutes. I'm going to rip my tip off.

I just don't know where to go with that. I know. I'm not giving you much, but let's have a look around. Your dick's bleeding. Is it? Well, it would be if you'd ripped half of it off on a fucking... A bar made of piss ice. I don't know what your problem is.

Let's just get on with this bit, please. All right. Oh, look, look. Over there. What's Tompy doing? Tompy looks like he's doing some interesting deals. Let's listen in. All right.

I'll put fucking the whole dongers, the whole shipment. Right. Put it on this. Can you give me this action for the dongers? Oh, I'll give you 40p for a donger on 12. I don't take dongers on 12. I've told you, I'm superstitious. No dongers on 12.

If you're going to give me a half stitch on the old rosemary bushes, you know what I mean? The bushes, yeah. What if I give you 100 on plat? Plat. On plat. Don't make me laugh. Are you a couple? You know what I mean? The bushes, yeah. What if I give you a hundred on plat? Plat. On plat. Don't make me laugh. Are you fucking having a joke with me or something?

Two hundred on plat, three hundred on dongers, one grand on a full chutney. Chutney's your man. Yeah, I need a full chutney. Can I put money on chutney? Put it on the blorage. Take it from the splorage. Put it on the chutney. Put it on the chutney. Put it on the chutney.

Take it around the sparage. Halfway on the blodage. Chudneys your bar off. All right, two knicker. Then I'll put some chutney on bar off then. Yeah, two knicker. I'll put two chutney on bar off. Thank you.

Oh, that sounded exciting, didn't it? What game was that they were playing? I don't know. I've never heard of it. It was for strange playing pieces, wasn't it? Yeah, playing. It's shaped like phallic items. Very, very items. Very, very items.

Very, very items. Yeah, let's have a look over there. Right, ladies and gentlemen, round up, round up. We've got some fucking good action here tonight. I want to know who wants to put good money on me being balls deep in that fucking sheep. Yeah, that's right. Little Petulia.

She's going to fucking love it. Now, if I come in three thrusts, you'll lose. If I come in five thrusts, you'll win a couple of hundred quid. Now, that's the special bonus. If you hear that noise, it means I've emptied my nuts into a goose's chopper. How about that? All right, there you go. Now, here we go.

What would you like? Do you want good money on the pig action, madam? Good money on the pig action. Now, here we go. What would you like? Do you want good money on the pig action, madam? Good money on the pig action. Yeah, here we go. And now we'll... Right, here we go. So I'm going to... I'm going to...

Five thrusts on the pig. Two good fistings of the cow. And a good, roughly, chuffer of the fucking pig. Who wants to put good money... Oh, and the chicken bonus. Don't forget the chicken bonus, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, and whatever that fucking animal was. Right, so who wants to put good money on me emptying my nuts into all this fucking livestock? Paul, can we... I don't know why you're watching this, but this isn't for us.

Let's just draw this curtain. All right, let's go to the next one around the corner. All right, who's this then? Is that Precum John over there, by the way? He's Precum John Stroke Leaky Ken. Stroking, he is. He's stroking Leaky Ken. No, by the way? That is Precum John Stroke Leaky Ken. Stroking, is he stroking Leaky Ken? No, he is slash Leaky Ken. He's slashing Leaky Ken, is he?

He's the same person as we've covered. I lose track. It's all the same shit, isn't it? Well, I don't know how interesting he is. He just seems to be playing cards. I think he's playing jacks. What are jacks with those little things? You know, you toss it and then you bounce some balls

and then you toss it and you bounce a ball. I think that's jackax, isn't it? He seems to be playing Jax. It looks like pre-cum John is jacking it. I love this room. It's full of dirty characters. Let's just go have a chat with John.

All right, John, you know how you do. Mate, what are you up to? Don't call me that, all right? And yeah, because... What, is it Leaky Ken now then? It's neither of those. Those are both ex-con monikers.

Ken and John, con. No. Are you a con? I'm Sprinkles McGee now. Sprinkles McGee is your character now? Yes, Sprinkles McGee. Well, that's going to

really upset people who like the character. It's not about fan base. It's about shifting product with me, yeah. Right, okay. So what do you do now, Sprinkles?

Mainly I've moved into Droplets, Sprinkles. Droplets, Sprinkles. So the same though, really. Midnight Drifters, I call them some of them what about little

air biscuits floaters in the air yes I like floaters in the air a bit of fucking piss pollen how about that well I don't go for urine

I mean if you like it there's a lot of it there's a lot of piss in this place so just call me Mr McGee or Sprinkles Sprinkles McGee

is that where we're going now it's not Precum John it's not Leaky Kenneth Sprinkles McGee he's the same person as me now? It's not prequel, John. It's not Leaky Keddie. It's Sprinkles McGee. He's the same person as me. I know, but I still don't understand the point of Sprinkles McGee. Listen, I've just come here for a quiet game of jacks. I don't know what it is.

I like to jack it. Yeah, I know. In my spare time. I know. Throw the dice, jack the jacks, spunk all over the table. Right, good. And then I collect that and I sell that because that's part of my business. Right.

That's my reason to be here. So you're here collecting tonight? Oh, yeah. You get spunked, droplets all around here. Right, here right i'll keep playing then all right you do that then i'll walk over here i'm going to check this last little space out oh gentlemen i tell you what i've been studying the facts and i've been counting the cards hello alan twat how are you or actually actually i've been looking into the statistics of all that's going on. And what's your conclusion, Alan Twat?

We saw you in the park, by the way, the other night. You didn't. The other day, yes, I did. They didn't see me in the park. I did. You didn't see me. Me and Paul both saw you, didn't we, Paul? I did see him.

I saw you. Yeah, we both saw you. Yeah, but you didn't see me. I don't remember you seeing me. You ran off. No, that wasn't me. Look, there's mud on your trousers. That's not mud.

Your corduroys. That's not mud. That's not mud. What is it? What do you think? Just what is it? No, it's chocolate. Is it?

Oh, it's chocolate. It's chocolate, actually. Why? Actually, it's chocolate. Why is it chocolate? It's because it's chocolate, because I've been waiting in chocolate. You've been to Willy Wonka's factory. I've been waiting in chocolate.

In the river of chocolate. Actually, I have been waiting in chocolate. Okay, good to see you. And shit. I think we need to see Teen Yeti. Oh, yeah. In the river of chocolate. Actually, I have been waiting in chocolate. Okay, good to see you. And shit. I think we need to see Teen Yeti. Oh, yeah, he's been over there. He's been performing 27% of the time. That's a good statistic.

It's a good statistic, yeah. This is a massive salon privy down here. This seems like it was built before the main structure, Alan. Oh, yeah, no, it goes way back to the 14th century. Wow, so this is like an old den. What did it used to be? This used to be a hoven. A hoven?

A hoven's an old English word. Oh. Actually, a hoven is a place where 14 men come and meet and bake bread. Bake bread together. And then we'll give it to the family, actually. A hoven. Good to see you, though.

Actually, you're wrong. It's not good to see me. I'm an awful character. Yes, so what, you fucker? And I've gone scouse. Bye. Listen, are we going to see Teen Yeti for a moment? Let's see Teen Yeti.

He's over there doing something. Oh, hello, guys. Yeah. Nice to see you. Yeah, I'm here, too. Oh, yeah. I'm the rest of Sasquatch. Yeah, that's right.

We're friends now. We're hanging out. We're hanging out. We're going to release a new album together, aren't we? We are, but we need some more work. I've been betting on how many otters you can kill in a spade with a minute. They let you bet on anything, don't they? You bet on anything round here.

I like to get my winnets, I just do my winnets on the table. I just plonk them down. They let me do that. You're doing chopping up your willets. I put my psychoactive winnets right on the table so fucking that's worth fucking at least five grand on the street, yeah? I don't use the stuff. I just produce the stuff. You don't make it, do you?

You've got to give it out. I just produce the stuff. I put it on the table. I'm feeling the rap coming on. Oh, adolescent Sasquatch. Here we go. Shall I do the beat once? Yeah, you do the beat.

I'll do it. Here we go. I'm rapping today and I got this message and I don't know what you want but it comes with a dress. We need to work on it. No, we need to work on it. That's not going on the album. You don't like it?

It's not going on the album. I thought I was trying to do it right. I was doing it right. Right, nice to see you, Eli and Paul. I'll give you another go. Here we go. I put it all on black. Wait for me to start the beat real soon.

Alright, do it again, then. Do it again. I'll do it more steadily because I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do Paul. I'll give you another go. Here we go. I put it all on black and... Wait for me to start the beat, Ruxy. Do it again, Dan. Do it again. I'll do a more steady beat for you this time. That was a bit too complex for you.

I've got to get around the roof. Are you alright? I've got a stroke coming on. And... A-poof, a-kay, a-poof, poof, kay. Oh, that's right. I like this one. Let's do this. Put your money on black and not on red. Listen to the song in your head.

I'm a big gambler, man. I put my money where my mouth is. I don't know where the north is, but I do know where the south is. Wait a second. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. And that's tune yet.

It says. Yes, right. Oh, yeah. We're rocking. Shall we go and get a prostitute? Yeah, let's do some cocaine up a prostitute. Right, shall we get out of here, Paul? I'm bored of this.

There's too many pointless, unfulfilled characters. Really, they're all down here. Yeah, fuck, let's get out of here. Tell you what, let's do the poker then. Let's do poker. Alright, well, is Mr. Biffa gonna join us? He's gonna join us at the poker table, yeah, he's gonna do it now. Let's do it.

I'm gonna win big, big boy. to the poker table. Yeah, he's going to do it now. Let's do it. I'm going to win big. Big boy. You know what? I've always wanted to play poker and I've never done it before.

Here's the poker room. We're just coming in now. So you like poker, don't you? I've been joined by... I'm here already. This is where you will meet your nemesis. I shall take you

and your money. What's my nemesis's name? My name is Portatos Gandados. Oh, please. And I come from the planet Gambler and I will take your money and I will put Your money. What's my nemesis's name? My name is Portatos Gandados. Oh, please. And I come from the planet Gambler. And I will take your money.

And I will put every chip up my meters. Fucking hell. Look, this is serious. It's serious. Come on. Look, can you not feel the tension in this room? This smoky, closed off room. Because Eli knows his poker.

And he's thinking it's always about. So you guys are going to play each other, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a little bit unfamiliar. So I'll be dealing these hands. I'm going to take you to the cleaners. Okay, so you guys are going to play each other, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a little bit unfamiliar, so I'll be dealing these hands. I'm going to take you to the cleaners. No, you're not, because I'm feeling it, baby. Okay, now, have a shirt off your back. In poker, there has to be a mandatory bet.

Is this Texas Hold'em or five-card studs? We'll be playing Texas Hold'em. Or Jiminy Biscuits? We'll be playing no-limit Hold'em. Is it a cat flap? Is it a five-card shuffle? We'll be playing no-limit Hold'em. No-limit Hold'em. Is it a cat flap? Is it a five-card shuffle? We will be playing no limit Hold'em. No limit Hold'em.

Yes. There's no limits to the things I hold. That's horrible. You're saying your penis is infinite. Horrible. My penis is infinite. My penis is without boundary. I think it's more, it's limitless how many times he's prepared to hold it.

Yeah. Yeah, and I do, and I will, and I will forever hold my jimbly jim junk. So, in every poker game, there's what's known as an ante. Yeah. Or is there an uncle as well? I'm glad I did that, Guy, because you've got to tell me if I did it. Or it's also known as a blind in Holden, which is a mandatory bet that people have to make. Right.

So, we will be playing. So, I have to mandatory put a bet? Blinds of. Yeah. There's a small blind. That's exciting, though. Which is usually half of the big blind, which is immediately

after that, okay? Right, okay. We'll be playing because the smallest denomination we have is 100. So the small blind will be...

100. Yes, and the big blind will be 200, okay? Now, it goes around like this. Yeah. So you will be posting the small blind

in the first hand. So I'm going to put... You have to put the 100 in. I'm going to put 200 in. No, you can't do this. Yeah. So you will be posting the small blind in the first hand. So I'm going to put... You have to put the 100 in. I'm going to put 200 in. No, you can't do that. No. Put the small blind in, Paul. It's a mandatory bet.

I'm in for 100. Before you get your card, you have to put that in. You put 200 in, please. You're on the big blind. Why has he put 200 in? I can't put 200 in. I'm a high roller. So how does he put 200 down?

I only put 100. Because he's on the big blind. Why am I on the big blind? You will be when it moves around to you. All right, okay. Everyone, these are rotating. Right. Rotators.

Right, so next, now what happens? It could be easier. Let's just say there's an ante of 200 each. Ante, ante. Yep. Yeah. So put another 100 in. I'm in.

Fuck the blinds. No one needs to understand that. Are you ready? Fuck the blinds. Now, this is no limit. Fuck the Venetian blinds. This is no limit. Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, limit. Yeah. Which means you can bet. No, no, no, no, no. If it's your turn to make the move. No, no, no, no, no. No limits. No, no limits. No reach for the sky. You're doing two songs. Two different songs.

That's because there are two songs. The word's no limited. All that I want is another baby. And it's gone tomorrow. All that I want. It's all that she wants. You're getting the lyrics wrong. Baby, baby.

Saturday night. Are you ready? I'm feeling fine. Pretty baby. Pretty baby. This is... A little bit of Monica in my life. A little bit of Rita.

A little bit of Monica. I suppose you're the birthday boy, so you can just do what you like I wish he hadn't taken his trousers off he keeps manipulating his trousers I'm the scat man right come on here we go listen you can bet

because it's no limit Holden you can bet yeah go on as much as you like every time it's your turn okay I'm in for 200 let's move on

I'm alright you can bet all of what you've got on your table which is all of what you've got I'm alright. I've got it. All of you got on your table, which is all of you what you've got, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got 1,400 left in my pocket. You'll be seeing... What am I trying to get? The community cards will come. You understand the

hierarchy of poker hands? Yeah. You don't? Ace is best. Then king, queen, jack. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. That's the hierarchy of the card value. Yeah, that's what I said. Do you understand that? Yeah. Yes, I do understand that.

You do understand that. Okay. Every poker hand consists of five cards. I've only got two. Yes, that's how you start. You will be having, you'll be forming five cards because there will be community or shared cards coming out on the table face up. Yeah. Okay?

Idiot. Fuck off. Poker. Why are you being such a, you know what? I hope you lose really badly. It doesn't matter. I hope you lose like you're losing

your hair. This is the hierarchy. Yeah, there you go. That's back for calling me fat. I didn't call you fat.

Guys, can we please? It's a gentleman's game and we're playing some civility. All right, I've got cards.

Right. So yeah, there's straights and flushes. This is the hierarchy of hands. Every poker hand is five cards.

Yes. Firstly, you've got like five disconnected cards, nothing. No pairs, nothing. That's known as a high card. That's the worst kind of hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then one pair. Right.

Then two pairs. Yeah. You understand me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then three of a kind. Right. Above three of a kind is a straight. Okay. Do you know what a straight is? It's Three of a kind. Right. Above three of a kind is a straight. Okay.

Do you know what a straight is? It's three and then two. No. It's like one, two, three, four, five. Yes. It's numerical. Eight, two, three, four, five is a straight. It's a string of cards in an order.

Does that have to be in the same suit? No, not in the same suit. Right, that's a straight. That's what makes it a straight. If I showed you my cards, would you be able to give me a little wink as to whether that's good or not? Any. Or would it ruin the game? Any big pair pre-flop is good. I've got a big pair.

You can pre-flop. So where were we? Three of a kind, straight. One above a straight is a flush. Do you know what a flush is? That's three and two. No. I was just saying that it's right.

A flush is five cards of the same suit. Oh, okay. Aces, I mean, sort of hearts, clubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Diamonds or spades. Yeah. Above a flush is a full house, which is? Three and a two.

Yes. So three of one kind, two of another. Because that could be a straight, three straight and a two. No. I get it. Move on. Then above a full house. A full house.

Four of a kind. four of a kind. That was a bit Bruce-ish. So that's king, king, king, king, for example. Yes. It's better than a 2-2-2-2. Much better. Yeah, there you go. Okay.

And then you have a straight flush above a four of a kind. That's the best kind of hand. Could you explain all of that to me again? No. So now there is a round of betting in holden before the flop so you bet basically okay based on what i've got here i'm going to bet now you can bet or you can check because you're first no you can bet because you're first to act biffa has to bet first check my cards no you can check means you don't need one a bet and you tap the table i do want

to bet okay how much do you want to bet he's putting 200 table. I do want to bet. Okay, how much do you want to bet? He's putting 200 in. He's putting 300 in. 300? Try and bet it all at once because that's a bit of a string bet. You could have put the two in and then looked at Paul and seen how he felt about it and then gone,

yeah, another one. Do you see what I mean? So you're not allowed to string bet like that. He just didn't check me out. I just didn't manage to do it. Yes, fine. How do you feel, Paul?

My reaction was this. 300 to you, Paul. My reaction was this. If you wish to continue in the hand, I have to put 300 in. Or you can raise by any amount you like up to your, Paul. My reaction was this. If you wish to continue in the hand... I have to put 300 in. Or you can raise by any amount you like up to your whole stack. I'm going to raise by...

So I'm going to put 300 in. I'll put 300 in. Yeah, so what does that mean if he's put 300? Can I put 300 in as well? Yes, you have already. But you can raise if you want. Raise. That means I've got to put more in.

To meet the bet, yeah. How much more? He's raised you 300. 300. I've already put 300 in. He's put 600 in. To meet the bet, yeah. How much more? He's raised you 300. 300. I've already put 300. He's put 600 in now. I'm 600 deep now. So you have to match the three.

Yeah, there you go. All right. Yes. Let's do it. Now what happens? It's exciting, this. Now the flop comes down. Flop.

I've got a big flop. You did that burn card. Burn. I've got burn flop. Now you all share these cards. Oh. But you made me share them. It means that whatever you have in your hand,

you can pick from that hand as well to complete yours. Oh, one on five card hand. Oh. I will, in fact. So he's put down a three, a king. And now it's a round of betting again. So again, it's on you, Biffo. He's put a three, a spud.

How much is that? Three of spuds. He's put it all. King and a queen. I've gone all in. I'm telling the people listening what we're doing. I've told them I've gone all in. Three and a king and a queen he's put down.

Do you remember how many chips you had to start with, Paul? I had 1,600 initially, and I've got like 1,100 here. So what do I have to put it all in? You had 1,600 total at the start of the hand. Yeah. Okay, are you going to call? Tips, Paul. You can only call or you can fold if you want to save that money.

I'm going to call. Okay. That means I've got nothing left. All right, so you're both all in. Yeah. You're both all in, so there can't be no more betting on further streets, which is when the other two cards come out.

I've literally got nothing left anyway. So there's no more betting. You're all in. I've got two queens. And that combines with... That's three queens and a king and a three. Yeah. So I've got...

Good hand. I've got two kings. Isn't that better, though? No, you've got three kings, because you're a pair of kings. I've got three kings. Okay. So he's way ahead, Paul. Yeah.

Way, way ahead. But I can't bet no more. Do you have any clubs? Because you could make a run and run a flush. He's got three queens. I've got a queen of spades. Doesn't matter. I've got a club.

He could even make a flush now. You are in dire straits, Paul, to lose all your money in this hand. Right. In fact, the only way you can win is by making four of a kind. Okay. Which is one queen, and there's like 44 cars in here, and you can win is by making four of a kind. Okay. Which is one queen and there's like 44 cards in here and

you've got two cards to come. All right. You're looking, it's looking poor. You know what? I'm feeling cocky. It's way ahead.

I think, do I have to put all my money in? We have one more card on the turn. This is known as the turn card. Yeah, so don't play that. And there will be a

round of betting if anyone had had some chips here. It's the ace. Ace. Oh, he's got a flush draw now to go along with his trip kings. So he's got... Eat them and weep.

Okay, here comes the river. This is known as the river, the last card. Yeah. Ooh! Four of a kind. He makes it on the river. I've got a queen. What do you mean?

I've got four queens. I've lost all my money. No, you lost half of it. You've lost half of it. I've got more that I can put down. You've lost all my money. No, you lost half of it. You've lost half of it. I've got more that I can put down. I've got more that I can put down as a stake. That's amazing.

Let's go beyond money. Look at that. Things that are priceless. No, it's fine. I'm all right. I want to see how I go with this hand. I just want to do one more hand. That was fun.

I want to do another one. What did you have to begin with? 1,600. Yeah, 1,600. So now what have I got? What have I got? You've got fucking a rincey poo nothing. I've still got my pride.

Which you haven't. No, I've never had that. 3,200. Mate, mate, mate, come on, let's do this. I'm feeling lucky, lucky, lucky. Come on, baby. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, I want that hand. How much have you got? One, two, three, four, five, six, 700. It wasn't the best hand for me. You've only got 700 left. I admit 3, 4, 5, 6, 700. It wasn't the best hand for me. You've got 700 left. I admit. I mean, he got super lucky there.

That's what it boils down to. Super, super lucky. I'm good at the skill. Daddy luck is looking down at me and saying, good boy. I think it was around 100 to 1. Psychology. One card in the deck. Yeah, well, all I'm saying is I'm feeling it now.

I'm feeling all the luck. You're not feeling me. I'm feeling you now. Okay, you guys ready for the next hand? Yeah, let's do it. Let's bring it on, come on. Saturday night. One, two.

Bring your handsies in, please. 200 each handsies. 200. Yeah. Thundered. Thundered. 200. Okay, and.

I'm taking a look at my cards. It's on you, Paul. You know what the best starting hand in Hold'em is? I've got an ace. A pair of aces is the best starting hand in Hold'em. That's what I've got. The worst, they say, is seven, two. You have two different suits. Right, okay.

No cards, no good. So what do I do now? Do I put in? What do I put in? You can bet now or check. Check means you don't bet. I'm going to fund you. I've funded you up. So I've got... You have to put 400 in to call that. You've only got 100 more than that.

Yeah. Yes, you could. You can't bet anything else later on in the hand then. But, you know, I could have other things that I could put on the table. Possibly. So, yeah, you can raise him by your last 100. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, do it.

Go on. Oh, he's all in. I'm all in, baby. Mate. Yeah. Does that mean they've got to put anything under the 100? You have to match that 100. Do it.

Go on. Now, traditionally, at this point, because you've effectively bet all the last of your money. I've bet the house. Then we'd reveal our hands. But you guys said you wanted to bet all the last of your money I've bet the house then we'd reveal our hands but you guys said you wanted to bet other stuff so we're going to keep this live

we're going to keep the hand live so don't yeah yeah yeah no I'm feeling good so don't reveal your hands to each other I've got a poker face poker face

I've got nothing poker face she nobody not nobody there you go you ready you know what yeah let's just keep going let's see the flop here I'd like to see a flop oh look at this She nobody, not nobody Then all this all goes You know what? Yeah

Let's just keep going Let's see the flop here I'd like to see your flop Oh, look at this I'd like to see the flop there The trouble is, you see I don't know what any of this means I'm just going for it

Paul, are you feeling confident? Have you got anything else you'd like to bet? Well, I can put all the money in So I'm going to put all my money in Put all your money in, Paul No, but he can't No, it's fine I've got stuff that's equivalent to that

You've got stuff equivalent to Yeah, if I have to How much have you got left, it's fine. I've got stuff that's equivalent to that. You've got stuff equivalent to... Yeah, if I have to. How much have you got left, Paul? Well, I'm going to put 500 in for now. Just 500 in for now, all right? Well, he can't see your bet. I want his... I want your...

His guitar. No, your Spengler Proton Pack 1 thing. I want that. You're not having that. No, what about digitizer? You can have it. I don't fucking want digitiser. It's like, do you want this turd? No, thank you. It stinks of turd.

He's putting up his whole brand. That's all I've got in my life. Paul, fine. It's the only thing that matters in my life. If that's true, then that's pathetic. And it also means that these plastic chips are worth more than your dreams. Are you confident? Are you going to accept this bet? Yeah right fine i'll take digitizer well the only thing you can put up if he's putting digitizer on the table is is cheap show yeah really because and you know

what everything you've just said you're basically saying cheap show is of equivalent value to turds cheap show and hot out there is cheap show is hot out the gate for a young, immediate new audience. Dream on, grandad. Whereas Digitizer are the dreams of 30-year-old memories. What is this? That people are clinging on to. 250th episode? Yeah. Come on.

Get with it, grandad. Six and a half years. So all I'm saying is Cheap Show is the hot young thing, where Digitizer's the old goat clambering over the hill. Not even America got to 250 before it went wrong. All right, no, I'll tell you what. Fuck you.

He's feeling confident. I'll put Tweet Cheap Show in. Tweet Show? Tweet Show. I'll put Tweet Show in. You don't even know the name of it. All right, so you guys

are actually betting your whole livelihood, your whole podcast. So what? So what? What does this mean, though? Does that mean, like, if I win,

I get to have his channel and all the videos? You'd have to run the channel. Yeah, I get to have his channel and all the videos? You'd have to run the channel. Yeah, you get the Patreon. You'll get all my characters. Even Snowmobile. I know if you look around, our characters are on a bit of the fucking landscape of dreams and creative joy.

Take on your characters. Oh, Jimmy Biscuits. It's not bad actually. The flop, by the way, everyone, for those interested, is showing the five of hearts, the three of hearts, and the ace of clubs. Right, okay. So, okay. But then if he wins, he gets cheap show.

Yeah, I mean, that's the stakes you've decided on. This is what we're doing. Does that mean, though, I have nothing after this? Basically, yes. Fine. You know what? Sweet FI. You're confident, are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Fine, I'll make that bet. Well, the betting's over, then, I think. Really? Yeah, because there's. You know what? Fine, I'll make that bet. Well, the betting's over then, I think. Really? Yeah, because there's nothing left to bet. I've got these 2,000. He can't bet that.

You don't understand the basic... It's done. We've gone all in. ...mechanism. You can't... So at least I'll have 2,000 at the end of this. If you could just put more money in once the guy's put all his money in,

then Bill Gates would be the best poker player in the world, wouldn't he? Which he's not. All right, okay, okay. Well, all right. You're not getting Cheap Show back. Fine, I don't get it. It's looking... You know what? This is Which he's not. All right, okay, okay. Well, all right, you're not getting cheap show back. Fine, I don't get it. It's looking...

You know what? This is what's on the table. Cheap show, digitiser, on the table, plus that. Mr Goodluck is shining in my favour, so fuck you. I'm actually feeling okay, all right? Let's see how this rolls. Yeah? I can see the sweat dripping down your face.

Like some dirty... Any sweat you see... Some dirty docker lifting a big crate any sweat you see is not from stress but from mere poor health there is that

you're probably better off without a cheap show given the state of you I'm starting to sweat off those alka pops mate this affects you too because if we lose

in your world I don't give a shit I'll go around and do cheap shows with you I'll do it with him if I need to remotely

Zoom show. I just like the idea of, like, Teen Yeti meeting... What, Tony Harris? Tony Harris. That would be fucking amazing. Yeah. That would be amazing. No, we're not doing, like, Cheap Show digitiser fucking Civil War.

No, we fucking should. We should do Endgame. We fucking should. Digitiser Cheap Show Endgame. Mate, this is the endgame. If anyone wants it, write it now. This is the fucking end game. Right, so what's on the table is the very future and control of your respective intellectual property.

All right, so hang on. Five, three, and an ace. All right, what have I got? Let's show your hands. You might as well. Let's see. What's that? Oh, you're not looking good there.

You're not looking good there, Mr. Bigfoot. I've got six. I've got two aces, you fucking idiot. Two aces combined with the ace on the board. You've got three aces. Mate, mate, mate. You've got nothing. What's that?

You've got two, four. That's it. You've got nothing. Well, what do you mean? You've got nothing. You could make a flush if another heart comes down. Yeah, which isn't going to happen. Which would be three aces.

I've lost digitiser after 30 years. I've got three, three, three aces. One, two, three aces. Mate, and you've got fucking two and a four. No. Can I retract my bet? No. Is it possible to go backwards?

No. So you're way behind here, Mr. Biff, I have to say. Mate, this is pathetic. Shall we see what the turn card is going to bring? It's like some sick joke. One card down. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

This is it. Queen. Fine. What's that mean? It means nothing. He's ahead now. He's made a flush. I'm ahead is it. Queen. Fine. What's that mean? It means nothing. He's ahead now. He's made a flush. I'm ahead.

I've got a flush. What does that mean? He can't have made a flush. He's made a flush. He's got four hearts. I'm heading for cheap show. Wait, where? He's got two.

Oh, two, four, five. Yeah, look at that. Two, three, four, five. Two, four, three, five. I've still got three aces, though. Ace, one. Oh, fucking hell. We're half an ear.

So you could win with, if the board pairs, any five, any three, any queen, you'd make a full house with Peach the Flush. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. He's still got two and a four. That's fucking nothing. Any full house or better on the end, yeah? No, go on, go on, go on, go on. This is all right.

Come on. This is it. Are we ready for the last card? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Biffo's head coming to the last card, Paul. He can't have it, though. You need to get a full house or better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've done it. You need a full house or better. Just get on with it, for fuck's sake. Card down. Ace! Ace of hearts! eggs are hot one no three four aces it's got four of a kind i have digitized it in my pocket oh look at that oh look at that tony harry's the third bird no venus venus no! Venus is not part of Digitizer. Paul, you've... What? What's your hand again, Biffo? Seven and a four. Yeah. That was not the card you wanted to see, Paul, because...

Wait, no, because I've got three... I've got four aces. Yes, it's given you four aces. But that's a full stretch, whatever it is. It's a four of a kind, but... So have I won? Biffo, you made a straight flush, ace to five. Is that good?

Which does beat four of a kind. Have you got ace to five? Have I won Cheap Show? Yeah. No. I've won Cheap Show. That was the only card that would have done it for you. Cheap Show is mine now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. In your face. No. All right, no, I didn't mean it. In your face. Yeah, it's done. I heard you. Rules of the house.

I'm not happy about this. You fucked this. I didn't do that. It's just the way the cards... You fucked Cheap Show. You shouldn't have been overconfident. You should never have gambled things. I warned you earlier in this episode

not to gamble things you can't afford to lose. Mate, that means this is over for us, though. Well, it's over for you. I don't give a shit. You fucking should give a shit. What happens now? I'm Richard Brandoff and I've just pulled off the biggest heist of this millennium. Ruffer, ruff! Come on, I've got all the cash.

Carol, mission accomplished. Bring round the Ferrari. Ruff, ruff. I got you a driver. He's gonna meet you out front. Make sure that the seats are covered in piss. Don't you worry. They're dripping in it. I love you, Carol. Get in, get in. It is I, your wheelman, Jimmy Biscuits, working with Richard Brandoff.

Hello, Jimmy. I'm so glad we started working together on Big Crime, Ruff Ruff, because we're going to be a match made in criminal heaven. Ruff! Ruffity Ruff! Get in the back. It is time to hit the road with our money and our ill-gotten gains. Burn rubber, American friend. Rough, rough. Oh, it's pissy back here. It's well scrotchy how I like it. Rough, rough. Jimmy O'Hall.

Hey, mate. Watch where you're driving. Hello, boys. Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find the place. I'm ready to gamble, baby. I can't wait to do the slot machines and roulette. Oh, maybe see a show too. It's exciting. Guys? Guys? Why is Ganon crying? What's going on? What have I missed? Guys? Guys? Guys?