CheapShow - Ep 251: Under New Management

Starting point is 00:00:00 Well, hello and welcome to Mr. Big Face Tube Show. I'm here with my dear wife, Sanya. Sanya in da house. Coming up today, we're going to be tasting some North Korean amonites. Mm-mm, delicious. In corner shop corner. Also, there's that wacky character, Beanus. The beans, the beans.

Starting point is 00:00:18 We've got Forever Baby coming back, everyone's favourite. Everyone loves Forever Baby. Everyone loves Forever Baby. Baby, what num num? Remember him? Yeah, I'll never forget him. And Forever Baby. Baby, what num num? Remember him? Yeah, I'll never forget him. I'm Tony Harris. Oh, yes.

Starting point is 00:00:29 Oh, let's get Tony. Oh, who's that? Tony. Who's that meant to be? Tony wants to go home. Tony, let's get, hashtag, let's get Tony home. Who was the first one? Forever Baby's friend.

Starting point is 00:00:43 His vestigial twin. Forever twin. he lives on his shoulder doesn't he he's like he's like a miniature baby on his shoulder that's stuck to him people forget that forever baby consumed his own twin in the womb and then he grew out of out of his back he gained consciousness and Forever Baby went nom nom. And then Forever Twin is like. He doesn't speak. He doesn't speak. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 00:01:15 I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go and buy me some noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show. Hello, this is Paul Gannon and... Eli Silverman, hello. Breaking into this transmission. We're taking our podcast back. Undercover, hacking. Hacking the system. We're modding our own podcast.

Starting point is 00:01:54 Really cool. Really guerrilla. Fucking well guerrilla. Because Biffo's kicked us out of our studio. We're not allowed in the House of Pickles. My ballsack! Unrelated shit. Right, so... why are we breaking in

Starting point is 00:02:06 so what biffo doesn't know is i've agreed because i've got all the passwords still to get into the system i'm i said i'd upload the episode so i just thought he's not going to listen to it is he who listened to the first minute or two and then forget about it and then we put our fucking podcast podcast back no one undercover coming Undercover. Coming through. Ballsack Jim. If you're listening to this, don't tell Biffo. Is that a thing, Ballsack Jim? Ballsack Jim is not anything.

Starting point is 00:02:30 It is a thing. It's now a thing because you said Ballsack Jim. But I can't imagine it's going to be any different account than all your other garbage creations. Wipe the sweat off my Ballsack Jim. Anyway, don't tell Biffo

Starting point is 00:02:42 that we've taken over the show. We're getting it back. Well, I shouldn't tell Biffo. Well, no one should tell Biffo. He's taken over the show. We're getting it back. Well, I shouldn't tell Biffo. Well, no one should tell Biffo. He's not going to listen. All he's going to do is... He won't know. If we all keep it a secret, he won't know that from now on

Starting point is 00:02:53 we're just going to edit our bits into the podcast and then upload them. He won't know. But then he'll be making Cheap Show and it'll be for no one. Exactly. That'll fucking teach him, won't it? For what? Just winning a game of chance by chance.

Starting point is 00:03:06 Well he shouldn't have nicked our show. He didn't nick it Paul. He nicked it. He fixed the cards. Something like that. It was unusual. It was very unusual. It was an unusual and highly improbable hand. Yes. But that's the odds of game chance isn't it? That's the odds of game chance.

Starting point is 00:03:21 That's the game chance. Fuck you. Anyway. Honestly. Fuck off. This is the Gorilla Pirate Cheap Show with me, Paul Gannon and That's the odds of game chance. That's the game chance. Fuck you. Anyway, fuck off. This is the Gorilla Pirate Cheap Show. Yeah. With me, Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman. Fuck Biffo. Fuck all that. Yeah, we're getting the show back.

Starting point is 00:03:32 Pirate radio station. Yeah. Pirate podcasting. So let's do our own version of the theme tune now. Hit the credits. Zoom, warm, warm, warm. I hate you in your noodle posse, posse, posse, posse. People love noodles.

Starting point is 00:03:47 You've got to fucking understand it. Hello, I'm Johnny Boroff. Cheap show. And I'll go, and I'll boroff, and I'll chuzzle, and I'll nuzzle, and I'll boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I feel that well. Shut up. Just shut your mouth.

Starting point is 00:04:08 It's Cheap Show time. Oh, I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Starting point is 00:04:14 I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Starting point is 00:04:24 I can't. I can't. I know that. You said me, the original hosts, as if you're some kind of borg containing both yourself and me. I am. Like that fucking picture. Just say it properly.

Starting point is 00:04:33 Why can't you talk proper? So, Paul, one thought that occurred to me today is... Oh, I'm glad you had a thought today. It's a little prediction. It's a little prediction. Talk towards the mic. I reckon there'll be a crisp brand out in the next few years called Potato Wanker. Right.

Starting point is 00:04:51 Or Snack Cunt. No, no, no, that wasn't in my vision. But you're right, though, because aren't there things called Tea Bastards or something now? Or Potato Sods? It's like they have to call their food, you know, Butcher Bastards. No, there was a restaurant, wasn't there? Meat shits. Flavour bastard. Yeah, that's it.

Starting point is 00:05:10 Flavour bastard. Great. So you're saying there's going to be a snack like that then? I had a dream and in that dream someone had just their shaft out was brandishing a packet of crisps wearing purple velvet couldn't see their face

Starting point is 00:05:24 and they said potato wanker potato wanker potato wanker like that like intoning it chanting it but also

Starting point is 00:05:35 the other thing that occurred to me Paul no what are we going to do for the show we've got nothing to do for the show he's got the show I know we can't get into the studio we're not allowed back into the house of pickles we're to do for the show? We've got nothing to do for the show. He's got the show. I know. We can't get into the studio. We're not allowed back into the House of Pickles.

Starting point is 00:05:48 We're doing this on the fly in a secret location. But I thought ahead, right? He doesn't know the access code to storage. And I've kept some P.O. Box stuff in there. So I've gone in and grabbed the box because someone sent us an episode in a box. So we're going to do that today instead. That's good.

Starting point is 00:06:02 Guerrilla style. Guerrilla style. It's a road box. It's a fucking road ep. I've listened to the episode. We've got a box so we're going to do that today instead that's good guerrilla style guerrilla style it's a road box it's a fucking roadette I've listened to the episode we've got a boxette I've listened to the episode he recorded for this week

Starting point is 00:06:11 yeah fucking awful er er er er er er

Starting point is 00:06:14 er er er er er er er er

Starting point is 00:06:23 er er er er cheap food that sounds pretty good and they had their corner shop corner with snacks and stuff I like corner shop corner shut up it's not Venus is funny isn't it it's not funny we should have it meet one of our characters

Starting point is 00:06:29 what like Freddy vs Jason we're not doing Civil War crossover shit Venus vs no we're not doing any of that alright

Starting point is 00:06:36 I'm drawing a line on the anymore I think Marjorie Craddock should have an affair with Tony Harris and he could do a feat and then Monroe could get upset and try and throttle Tony Harris and he could do a feat and then Munro could get upset and try

Starting point is 00:06:46 and throttle Tony Harris. And then Jimmy Biscuits can toss off Third Bird. Oh, I'm getting a fucking semi thinking about that. He's like the devil dogs. It's all that shit, isn't it? It's just a mask and a silly voice for Biffo. It's awful. We're giving proper content. He doesn't know.

Starting point is 00:07:01 You know what I mean? It's not the same. I give content and that means I can issue content forth. You can issue forth with your content. He doesn't know. He doesn't. You know what I mean? It's not the same. I give content and that means I can issue content forth. You can issue forth with your content. I can issue into a tissue. So anyway, let me just tell you.

Starting point is 00:07:12 I can issue a big glob of content into a tissue. Give us a tissue and I'll issue into the tissue. Anyway, the box and selection today.

Starting point is 00:07:24 There's no risk to you when I issue it to a tissue. Can we start the show then? Would you like to? What have we got coming up on the show then? This gorilla box, Paul? What's in the gorilla warfare? Right, well, they sent... I'll tell you who sent it. It's like field rations, isn't it? We've done a field rations thing.

Starting point is 00:07:40 This is from Lisa and David in Norwich, and they send us a big box of goodies, and we can't do all of it because it's tons. We might save it for future, but I thought we'd dip into a big majority of what they sent in the box today. I could dip into a big majority. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Starting point is 00:07:55 So we've got a tell us from the shop floor they've given us. They've given us some off-brand brand off, some snacks, and a hot sauce or two to try. How about that? I like a sauce report, Paul. Yeah. So I tell you what, let's just start with the tell us from the shop floor. I mean, unless you've got anything you want to bring up

Starting point is 00:08:08 like the tails from the dance floor or something. No, nothing happened. Nothing's happened? Nothing happened. A young lady came up and said, have you got a microphone? And I said, no, sorry. She said, it's just because I've lost my friend. So that wasn't, you know. No, she wasn't requesting anything other than her friend. It wasn't.

Starting point is 00:08:23 She just wanted to be reunited with her friend which is perfectly legitimate. And, you know, she wasn't requesting anything other than her friend it wasn't she just wanted to be reunited with her friend which is perfectly legitimate which is legitimate and you know what was she going to call out

Starting point is 00:08:29 hello Jenny are you there yeah yes thanks that would have been it can you play

Starting point is 00:08:36 Fleetwood Mac's chains yeah she got it in they did play chains the other night did they

Starting point is 00:08:42 the chain it's called never break the chain. Sporage! Sporage! Right, so let's start with their tales from Oh, tales from the shop floor, let's see This is from Lisa

Starting point is 00:09:10 Oh, it's not from David No, this one's specifically a Lisa story, I think Well, David allowed to hear it I'm sure David was involved in the Maybe David's the one doing the poos Oh, is there poos in it? Shall I give you the title and see what you think? Yes

Starting point is 00:09:22 The title is called Snake Penis. Now, where do you go from there? Is it a penis that looks like a snake? A snake that looks like a penis? A penis with a snake tattooed on it? Or maybe it's a penis that he's put a little hissing tongue

Starting point is 00:09:37 on the end and some eyes. I think you're wrong on all those counts, Paul. And obviously what it is, it's a tale from the shop floor about the man who broke the world record for ejaculate. And he's come like five times in a day, in an afternoon maybe.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Right. And then imagine it. And then he's on the sixth record-breaking coming session, yeah? And he comes, and instead of liquid or anything coming out, he goes... So he ejaculates he has gas from his balls expelled as he issues into a tissue but there's nothing there deeply ashamed of this content it whistles

Starting point is 00:10:18 and it sounds like a hissing snake i'm just story. His empty balls whistle out his metres and it's like a perch. I'm just going to read the story because this is just absolute fucking rancid gob knobbage. It's just absolute. Gob knobbage? It's just absolute fucking tongue spunk. I'm not having it. Here we go. I'm ready for the story. Snake penis from Lisa.

Starting point is 00:10:39 Back in the mid 2000s I used to work as a body piercing apprentice at a small tattoo piercing studio in Norwich. I was 18, 19 at the time. We had the usual clients that would request a standard piercing or a tattoo, but we had more than our first year of creative requests. Instantly, I'm now more interested in where this goes. Because, you know, Snake Penis, she's a tattooist and a pierist.

Starting point is 00:11:02 A pierist? Someone who pierces. A piercist. A piercist. Piercer. An ear piercer. Here comes the ear piercer. A pierist? Someone who pierces. A piercist. A piercist. Piercer. An ear piercer. Here comes the ear piercer. Murderer.

Starting point is 00:11:09 He's got stobodny bar off. No, not all of them. Time's late. I'm going to get it in so many times. I'm going to get it in again and again. Vidi Chod brings the chodny bar off. It could be a snake design on a ring or something that goes through.

Starting point is 00:11:27 Or a snake around the penis. No, because you can get your penis tattooed to look like a snake but this is a piercing story. Yeah, just... Well, we don't know. She says it's tattoo and piercing.

Starting point is 00:11:38 She does both. She does multi... I reckon it's a tattoo of a... It's all scales down the shaft. All scales down the shaft. All scales down the shaft and then maybe a little... You could have a tattoo of a it's all scales down the shaft all scales down the shaft all scales down the shaft and then maybe a little

Starting point is 00:11:47 you could have a sort of Prince Albert which has a forked tongue sort of thing on it do you see what I mean one day we had

Starting point is 00:11:56 an older gentleman come in for his penis to be tattooed to resemble a snake this was kind of odd but not out of the norm no we would often have clients

Starting point is 00:12:03 bear their privates for tattoos and piercings so it would not phase us with this client it wasn't so much the request but the repeated touch-ups that followed now when i was at university my friend luke made a documentary as part of our film and film course about a tattooist in abariswith yes and one of them was a guy a guy came in and he said do you mind if we film for the tattoo film we're making? And he went, no I don't mind at all you see. And we asked him on camera

Starting point is 00:12:30 what was he getting? He was a man from Wales. Subcontinental No, he was from Wales. He's from Wales you see. And he came in and we went, on camera, so what are you in for today? He was, I've come to get my girlfriend's name written on my knob. And the girl's name written on my knob. And his name was,

Starting point is 00:12:46 the girl's name was Catherine and he had a tiny penis. So he got the word cat put on it instead. Well, that's just down to the skill of the tattoo artist, isn't it? You can write small. I guess you could have done

Starting point is 00:12:57 tiny, tiny writing. You can write the whole fucking first chapter of Genesis on a grain of rice. Yeah, but if you've got an erection. Do you know what I mean? If you've got an erection, that's just going to stretch out

Starting point is 00:13:04 the name, isn't it? My knob sometimes looks like a grain of rice. Yeah, but if you've got an erection... Do you know what I mean? If you've got an erection, that's going to stretch out the name, isn't it? My knob sometimes looks like a grain of rice, and I've considered having a... Tattoo of it. Of a Bible verse on it. Yeah. Luke 4.16. Thou shalt chuck an egg or something.

Starting point is 00:13:17 Or need it come into the bar off. Right, okay. Often with tattoos, when the wound's healed and the scabs fall off, touch-ups are in order a few weeks later. Only a few weeks later. But with each touch-up... Because they fade over the years, don't they?

Starting point is 00:13:35 And sometimes people get them replaced or covered then. But they're saying when you get a tattoo, the wound's healed, the scabs come off, and so the colour gets lost. So you can see more what the design's actually like, and some of it's lost because of the scabbage yeah so touch-ups are something he would request more and more to the design further perpetuating the cycle of needing to be touched up each time he returned he would have one or more female friends that would be practically foaming to watch him have his work done right after looking fella after he ran out of penis real estate to tattoo, he moved on to piercings and will repeatedly return

Starting point is 00:14:07 with the need for new hardware or unnecessarily to check the healing process. There was so much metal in this guy's junk, you could hear it jangling as he walked because, of course, he didn't wear any underwear. No, you wouldn't because you'd get it all caught up in the nylon. Imagine getting a thready. Imagine having to run for a bus and nearly ripping your dick off. Yeah, bad.

Starting point is 00:14:26 Bad. Oh, I couldn't do it. I don't know. If you want to do it to your penis, fine, but it makes everything pucker when I think about it. It makes your bum hole pucker. And me front. Your front meters.

Starting point is 00:14:36 Me meters puckers. Your meters puckers like a little... Like a little limpet. My penis goes... It just kind of retracts its little mouth. It kind of looks like a like a I don't know

Starting point is 00:14:47 like a clown's mouth puckering in meet us the clown meet us the clown ho ho everybody I'm meet us the clown that's a very bad voice isn't it

Starting point is 00:14:58 because I was copying your fucking Jimmy Juicy whatever his name is I'm not saying he's not called Jimmy Jimmy Juicy let's have a we should not saying he's not called Jimmy Jimmy Juicy let's have a

Starting point is 00:15:05 we should have a boycott right of any character being called Jimmy alright no I agree with that because there's too many Jimmys around here

Starting point is 00:15:12 there's way too many Jimmys around here yeah it all came to a head so to speak nice you like that I added that one in

Starting point is 00:15:20 oh did you that was mine I added it in so to speak yeah I added that one in well oh now you don't like it you can't it's their joke no but I said it in. So to speak, you added it in. Yeah, I added that one in. Oh, now you don't like it! No!

Starting point is 00:15:25 It's their joke! No, but I said... It's Lisa's joke. What's it called? It said it came to a head, and then I added in. So to speak. It came out a head, and I issued into a tissue. So, it all came to a head, and we finally refused to serve him, when one day he came into the studio, marched up to my desk, which is in front of a large, pavement-facing

Starting point is 00:15:41 floor-to-ceiling window, dropped his trousers, and began to stretch out his next big idea with his fingers on his groin. My boss and I were totally flummoxed and refused to serve him when he went on to describe the design of an elephant's face. Ears on his hips, face on his mons pubis, and leaving his titular member as the trunk across a bare groin. Yeah, but his trunk...

Starting point is 00:16:04 He's literally a snake. The dick looks like a snake, so it would look like an elephant with a snake as a trunk. Like some kind of Greek mythical creature. Yeah. What would it be called? It'd be called an ellis snake. It'd be called a... A snake-a-phant.

Starting point is 00:16:17 Asp-phant. Why an asp-phant? Asp, A-S-S. Asp. Asp-phant. Yeah, asp-phant. The destroyer. What about God? A boa-tr-S, Asp. Asp fans. Yeah, Asp fans. The Destroyer. What about God?

Starting point is 00:16:26 Boa Trunk. No. No. No, that's what I think. I'm really under the weather. I think we should start the whole podcast again. Shut up. All the while, his newest girlfriend was hanging off him,

Starting point is 00:16:36 practically dripping with his snaky member getting all too visibly excited. What? So maybe he just likes his penis being looked at and touched and admired. Well, he obviously, touched I think he uses it to get laid doesn't he obviously how can you get laid to something that looks like a Meccano he finds women who are interested

Starting point is 00:16:55 in that, in body modification of the pee pee of which there are certainly some and he's obviously on a rich vein puts a new meaning to the term jingle bells so done it we asked him nicely to not return

Starting point is 00:17:08 and to get his masterpiece finished somewhere else as it had become apparent that he was clearly getting off on having his John Thomas touched and manipulated

Starting point is 00:17:16 and also was trying to find an excuse to whip it out and have it toyed with we never saw him again or any other request so weird thank God

Starting point is 00:17:23 thank you for the show we love the segment. By far our favourite podcast. Lisa and David. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Now. A nice story.

Starting point is 00:17:32 Not a great story, but you know. Question. I mean, the story was great, but the instance was a bit unpleasant for them. I've got a query. Right. How do they know he's getting off on it if he's not getting physically erect

Starting point is 00:17:43 whilst they're manipulating his pee pee it did say here towards the end all the while his snaky member was getting a bit too visibly excited oh

Starting point is 00:17:51 did you read that out yeah I totally ignored it it was on the twitch I can't hear what you're saying now no you were too busy going Chodney Sparoff in your head

Starting point is 00:17:58 or whatever it is Chodney Sparoff in my head yeah he is he is always in my head he was obviously having a bit of a flex and pump

Starting point is 00:18:05 moment yeah he's getting a semi I wonder if the snake was emitting a little pearl of venom yeah

Starting point is 00:18:12 why don't you come round and get my tattoo on the end of a tooth you know you see when they squeeze when they milk a snake for venom and it's got

Starting point is 00:18:18 and a little dew drop comes on the end of the fang they put the fangs on the glass edge and they dribble it down maybe they were doing that with his knob so they used to grab it and just push the helmet over the glassang. They put the fangs on the glass edge and they dribble it down. Maybe they were doing that with his knob.

Starting point is 00:18:25 So they used to grab it and... You just push the helmet over the glass. On the Pyrex dish. And all the little nasty grizzly droplet comes out the old meter's hole. No, I'm glad you've decided to go down this route. No, I'm good. I'm going down the meter's hole. Come with me down the flesh tunnel of meters.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Ooh, a pube's joined me. What's his name? Why, I'm really... Jimmy Pube. I'm really his name I'm really Jimmy Pube I'm really thinking about handing it Jimmy Pube Christ

Starting point is 00:18:50 I'm really tempted to hand this episode back to Biffle I know I think you should I'm really no I'm not gonna you're the one

Starting point is 00:18:55 letting me down stop doing this you're the one letting us down I know you're the loose weak link here I am

Starting point is 00:19:00 I have been for years I have to admit it I have to admit it to myself snacks link here. I am. I have been for years. I have to admit it. I have to admit it to myself. Snacks. Snacks. It's raining snacks. Now we've got some snacks sent to us in this

Starting point is 00:19:15 was the whole bespoke thing is from Lisa and David it is. All of this today that we're going to be sampling, eating or judging are from Lisa and David in Norwich and we're going to start with their snacks. Cheap Eats, League of Snacks, etc. Now, these won't get into the league. They're having a laugh.

Starting point is 00:19:32 These are Johnny Come Snack Lately. Johnny Snack Lately. Jimmy Snack. Well, hang on. Oh, it's got a rabbit on it. Can we call him Jimmy Snack Lately? We can call him Jimmy Snack Rabbit. Yeah. Right, here we go. Here he is. Look, he's a very rabbit on it. Can we call him Jimmy Snack lately? We can call him Jimmy Snack Rabbit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:45 Right, here we go. Here he is. Look, he's... Oh, he's very happy rabbit on... Calm down. Sorry. You're getting ahead of yourself. Now, you brought up that point about these aren't worthy of the thing.

Starting point is 00:19:53 They're fucking not. They've already mentioned this in the letter. Let me read. Okay. Not sure if you count these in the league as one of them is an offshoot flavour of popular brand. The Happy Snacks, however, are a brand that both me and my wife remember as kids. They come in multi-packs of 15 for £1. They always come across as stale

Starting point is 00:20:09 and inconsistent in flavour, strength, but they are in date, we promise. But we're a good go-to snack due to their low, low price. Wow, they're tiny, these little multi-packs. They are tiny little puff packs. I've never seen a packet of crisps so small, in fact. Corn puffs. That's like a fun size, do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:20:22 It's not even... I know they have those smaller sort of walkers in the multi packs. Yeah. They're smaller than your like grab bag or whatever. The whole sizing of crisps has changed over the years hasn't it? Well the grab bags become almost the normal now. It's the standard. Because that's the one you get in Tesco's or Morrison's or Sainsbury's which come with

Starting point is 00:20:38 meal deal. Yes. So they are about 90p but then when you get the meal deal for 3 quid 350 it all kind of... But didn't they used to be like normal size ones that were bigger than the multi-pack ones but smaller than a grab bag? You see what I mean? Yeah. They don't exist anymore do they? They do but I think most people just go for the bigger bags. Like a sort of

Starting point is 00:20:54 corner shop size or whatever. They still have them. They still have them? Yeah. I never see those. But what I'm saying is in most mainstream... I've never seen that more, no more none of those, no more, no more, no more I can imagine going into a B&M or whatever

Starting point is 00:21:07 and getting a bag of 15 and these are in your packed lunch for the next two weeks I know but I'd want more even with a sandwich on the side

Starting point is 00:21:14 and an apple and a Kit Kat and a juice drink that was a packed lunch in my day yeah but this would be not enough this isn't enough

Starting point is 00:21:21 corn if my mum put this in my packed lunch you'd go fuck off you'd slap her throw it back in her go, fuck off. You'd slap her. Throw it back in her face like that. And then you'd slap her and go, put some veg in the oven now.

Starting point is 00:21:30 I'm putting the mask on. Don't ruin it. I'm putting the mask on. Put the veg in the oven. Roll it down the ramp. Make sure the ramp is lubed. I would have thought it would be more of a shoot than a ramp. It is a shoot. Yeah than a ramp it is a shoot

Starting point is 00:21:45 after I've shot my great stuff I've issued into this tissue I've made an issue in this tissue no but you know something issues for no I know but I'm saying I've made an issue of this tissue I've issued into this tissue

Starting point is 00:22:02 you've made it an issue do some piss glue in this tissue. Oh, fist you. Right, let's eat these. So these are Happy Snacks. What's the main company called? I can't seem to... United Snacks. Oh, they're big, aren't they? Well, they're just kind of your generic British. We make

Starting point is 00:22:17 all sorts of things. Are they a British thing? I believe so. Well, it's not Frito-Lay or any of those ones, is it? No, nothing's Frito-Lay. You have to pay, usually, if you want to put something down. Ha ha ha ha. Frito-Lay, isn't it? No, nothing's free to lay. You have to pay, usually, if you want to put something down. Ha ha ha ha. Free to lay, innit? Doesn't cost you anything to lay it. Shut up. What's that got to do with Spunk stuff?

Starting point is 00:22:33 Well, imagine filling an egg with Spunk. Baked, not fried. No artificial preservatives. Yeah, they're going for that, aren't they? They look like, from the depiction on the packet, they look like little watsits. Little tiny watsits. There is a cheese one here. We've got three flavours of these happy snacks.

Starting point is 00:22:48 And they're vegan. So that's good, isn't it, for people who are vegan? I think all these kind of crisps are always vegan these days. Oh, maybe. I don't know. It's weird. Eight grams. That's nothing.

Starting point is 00:22:58 I think all crisps are vegan, unless they've actually specifically got meat. They don't put meat in crisps anymore. 184 grams. they've actually specifically got meat. They don't put meat in crisps anymore. 184 grams. Wasn't there sort of, there was a sort of wives' tale or whatever about, or an urban legend,

Starting point is 00:23:11 about the cheese and onion being non-vegetarian and like, but all the meat flavours being vegetarian. Do you remember that? It's because of the oil they fry it in. So ready salted cheese and onion, I think were done in like animal oil or something, or animal fat. Not anymore, then.

Starting point is 00:23:25 Whereas everything else, like the meat ones, were vegetable and were fake flavouring anyway. So that's why it was sometimes shocking to see that the ready salted weren't vegetarian. Yeah, but I think they are now. They got over that. The same with McDonald's used to do their fries in beef tallow. Oh, did they? And apparently they were delicious. Oh, that's why they're horrible now.

Starting point is 00:23:46 Right, so there are three flavours. We've got spring onion, salt and vinegar, and cheese. Now, I've got a difficult history with spring onion flavoured crisps, because there was one time I went to my friend's house, got drunk, and ate a packet of those squares. Remember, they used to do the square ones, spring onion flavoured. Yeah, they were really nice. They were nice, but I can't go back there.

Starting point is 00:24:04 I know what you mean. Same with Milky Way, They were nice, but I can't go back there. I know what you mean. Same with Milky Way, mate. For me, you can't go back there. Once you've had a big vomit on them. Yeah. I had a big old vomit. Milky bars and vodka. I think I vomited into my friend's cupboard.

Starting point is 00:24:16 The Milky Bar vomits on me. Which are we going to start with? There's not even enough to fucking taste these properly. Let's get the spring onion out of the way. These are an insult to a child. No, I mean... They're a hint of a crisp well this is the thing think about it

Starting point is 00:24:28 these are a go to snack for people on a very very very small budget for their food yes which is fine and also it's not great for you to eat a load of crisps but imagine you're

Starting point is 00:24:36 in the playground and then like Richington McPhee or whatever comes up and he has a huge pack of giant watsits giant watsits that's a thing

Starting point is 00:24:44 have you seen those we've got to taste those have you seen them yeah I've had a huge pack of giant Watsits. Giant Watsits, that's a thing. Have you seen those? We've got to taste those. Have you seen them? Yeah, I've had them. They're just big Watsits. They're a little less fun to eat because there's more work involved. And also,

Starting point is 00:24:52 there's more inside compared to outside. The volume's bigger so there's less flavour because the flavour doesn't go all the way through, does it? It's on the outside.

Starting point is 00:25:02 Did you find they were a bit plainer? No, they were fine but I said they just weren't as much fun to eat, because you know you can demolish a packet of watsits. These felt like a bit more work. Right, let's eat these. No, let's do spring onion first because you don't like it. We can get it out the way. I do like them. I just wanted to tell that story about

Starting point is 00:25:15 vomiting. Good. I'm going to huff this. Oh! Is it nice spring onion-y? It's very familiar. Oh! Isn't that the smell? It smells like Funyuns. It does smell like the Funyuns. I'm going to pour some out into your hand. That'll do.

Starting point is 00:25:31 They look like little angel poos that you get in packaging. They're tiny little what's-it things. Yes, they look like peanuts, packaging peanuts. Oh, they are very stale. Lacklustre. I mean, they're not. That's just the texture. They're much chewier than a what's-it. Do you know what I mean? They've got no crispness. I like themustre. I mean, they're not. That's just the texture. That's what they're made of. They're much chewier than a... What's it?

Starting point is 00:25:45 Do you know what I mean? They've got no crispness. Very little crispness. I like them a lot. I fucking like them a lot. I hate a horrible... I can't eat all of them. No, I like that cheapness.

Starting point is 00:25:55 A bit like Space Raiders as well. That kind of chewiness. It's not unpleasant, but they're not high-end snacks. I fucking love those. They're cheap and dirty and filthy, and I love them. I'll fucking eat all of them.

Starting point is 00:26:05 All right, well, that's that one done. There's one layer down by your knee. Very generic flavour. Nice. We're going to do cheese next, because I think on the Profile Rainbow, this is probably what you'd go next, because it's still got the kind of umami-ish nature of this going on. Hoof report.

Starting point is 00:26:19 That was onion. Yeah. Spring onion. Oh. Smell like a what's-it? Smells like a little bit of a what's it. Oh, mate. A little bit more tangy.

Starting point is 00:26:28 It doesn't smell cheesy at all to me. It smells like sort of classroom glue. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's like footy. No, it's very footy. It's very kind of. I'm going to pour some into your hand.

Starting point is 00:26:39 Just a few. That's it. Two for you. Two for me. Here we go. Oh, no. Not a what? No, I love these. Why do you, two for me. Here we go. Oh, no. Not a lot. No, I love these.

Starting point is 00:26:47 Why do you like them? There's no flavour. There's almost no flavour to that. It's the texture. It's that chewiness. So you like the texture almost more than the flavour. Yeah. No, the flavours are nothing to write home about, obviously.

Starting point is 00:26:58 It's not as good as the spring onion, and they weren't fantastic, but they at least tasted the spring onions. Like, this flavour disappears. I like the way I just love that chewiness. Fair enough. Do you know what I mean? It's the non-crispy. Right, salt and vinegar. Salt and vinegar. Here we go. Now this is strange because you don't often see a salt and vinegar on this kind of puff.

Starting point is 00:27:16 Puff thing, snack. No. What's its did do? They tried it, didn't they? No, flavours did and I didn't find that satisfying. We tasted those, yeah. The huff is fucking minimal on those. Oh, it's a scant little tang. It's a scant half. These are the cheese and onion, I mean the...

Starting point is 00:27:33 Salt and vinegar. Oh, they've got no bite at all. I couldn't even tell you. If you hadn't have told me they were salt and vinegar, I could never have guessed that. I might just be hungry, but I fucking love those. Honestly, I'm really... Alright, well, I mean, out of

Starting point is 00:27:47 like, I would rate them all kind of the same. I would maybe give these a C+, the spring onions, and the other ones a flat C. You prefer the spring onions were the most flavourful of the three. It's probably the most satisfying. That marries the weak flavour with the weak texture. Now, Paul, this week we have a bonus.

Starting point is 00:28:04 What are you going to rate them? Oh, fuck off. Let me just write that down. Two out of five, I'll give them. Across the board. So two out of five for Eli and I'm giving them

Starting point is 00:28:13 a C grade. Now, we have a bonus what's it style A Brucey bonus. snack. Which I picked up. Yeah, not from the box.

Starting point is 00:28:21 This is an addendum. There's something going on in the world of snacks and sweets, Paul, in London town. Say it, brother. All of these, what used to be cheap souvenir shops, are now becoming these American candy stores.

Starting point is 00:28:35 Where you can buy a £7 box of Lucky Charms. For some reason, people are importing American crisps and selling them for up to £10 for a packet of tackies or Cheeto or Lay's variation or just things you can't get here. But they're doing them in the Turkish supermarkets around here. And I saw these and I thought, that's an interesting one. But do you remember in London near Covent Garden used to be a place called Cyber Candy? Yes.

Starting point is 00:29:01 And it was like, that was the place you always went to. But now that's gone, right? And they've been replaced by these American candy stores on Oxford Street. Yeah, they're everywhere. They're in Oxford. Really?

Starting point is 00:29:12 Yeah. Oh, I didn't know they were out of town. Oh, by the way, we're talking about tackies. Have I mentioned? You got the shits bad from them. I ate the blue heat.

Starting point is 00:29:19 Yeah. And I was out in Crouch Hill and I thought, oh my God. I was going to go home and then take a shit then like a normal person. Yeah, just pace yourself.

Starting point is 00:29:27 But then it was just like, no, there's a pressure building. There's a storm coming. There's an urgency. Yeah, there's a certain urgency here. I'm going to have to go into Costa and order a coffee and go, yeah, I'm just going to go to the loo

Starting point is 00:29:39 while you make that coffee. And I went in there and she was fucking cleaning the loo and she's like, you can't go in there. Why don't you go? I'm like oh mate I just need to go in I need to go in now I'm sorry Lord, eventually I get in there and it was like fucking

Starting point is 00:29:52 the rushing of the leaves down the tunnel you know what I'm saying and it was like a pitter patter rushel rushel and I looked I just glanced as you do I glanced into the bowl you know as you do

Starting point is 00:30:06 why can't this it was fucking turquoise it was like turquoise fucking and I was like am I sick what the fuck did I eat

Starting point is 00:30:14 why is my shit greeny blue and I didn't realise it's because I'd done half a bag of fucking like that kind of colour up on the wall yeah

Starting point is 00:30:21 like the darker one yes slightly greener oh but yes did it give you a shock I was like what the fuck is there something wrong with me Up on the wall. Yeah. Like the darker one. Yes. Slightly greener. Oh. But yes. Did it give you a shock? I was like, what the fuck?

Starting point is 00:30:29 Is there something wrong with me? What did I eat? Did I eat spinach or something? And I thought it was some summer rolls. I had some Vietnamese summer rolls, which had some sort of rocket or spinach in it. I thought, no, nothing. And then I realised. It was the tackies. And I did a search on my phone.

Starting point is 00:30:43 Yeah. Do tackies make your shit blue? And it was like, yeah, they fucking do. There's several hundred videos about it. People in America just go... While you're at it, drink nothing but Sunny D and eat nothing but asparagus. And why not take all of your fucking pourings

Starting point is 00:30:57 into different... Tackies aren't fucking around, mate. They will affect you physiologically, mate. You know what I mean? The thing is, I don't think when they make these bags they expect someone to just fucking double fist the whole bag away no you can't

Starting point is 00:31:11 I mean I've had this big bag of blue heat on the go for a few weeks but then I've fucking no I got into a big session with it excuse me love I just left a big bag of blue heat in your toilet I had the munchies or whatever and I got into a big session for the end of the pack. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:31:25 I did the powder, I think, as well. That's fucking... If you want to rush, do the whole powder at the end of a big bag of fucking Tacky's blue heat. How about this? You make some art. So you eat nothing but the blue Tacky's and you have a turquoise shit to call and you put it in a little box. And then the next day you have, I don't know have the fiery red ones or the green ones and then you just get to see what poo colours you come out

Starting point is 00:31:48 and you can make some kind of collage or mosaic poo slice piece of art. The problem is it's not just the colour Paul, it's the sort of sudden urgency, the sudden evacuation the sudden need to escape Right, with that in mind what are we eating now because this has been a big

Starting point is 00:32:04 fucking road to I picked these up, what are we eating now? Because this has all been a big fucking road to... I picked these up. These are another of these imports, but these are cheaper. I mean, £10 for a packet of Cheetos is ridiculous, isn't it? Ridonkulous. But the whole situation is making me look at some Cheetos around here that are only a fiver, thinking that's a pretty good price for those. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:32:21 It's for a packet of crisps for five quid. Anyway. That didn't cost that much money to make. Oven baked with real cheese. There's no fucking around. So this is the company called Hers. H-E-R-R-S.

Starting point is 00:32:32 H-E-R-R-S. Yes. Comma. Apostrophe. We've seen these before, haven't we? I think so. They are what?

Starting point is 00:32:39 Oven baked with real cheese. These are Wotsits. Effectively big Wotsits. But what caught my eye, Paul, was these are Carolina Reaper flavoured. Wow.

Starting point is 00:32:49 Carolina Reaper is the world record Scoville unit chilli. My mate just ate one of those on Facebook Live to help raise money for a local charity. Was he okay?

Starting point is 00:32:58 He didn't enjoy it at all because he ate a real one. Yeah. I think I couldn't handle that. No, no, no. But these, I think, could be the hottest What's It style snack we've ever seen. Does it have a proper Kelvin grade or whatever it's called? Is it Kelvin grade?

Starting point is 00:33:12 No, that's... Coban. Coban? I just said it. You didn't listen to me, did you? You didn't fucking listen to that bit of the letter! Scoville. Scoville.

Starting point is 00:33:20 Scoville rating. Philip Scofield level. No. Carolina Reaper, I think, is still the world record holder Right The highest Scoville 2 million Scoville or something

Starting point is 00:33:30 2.5 million Let's see if it says anything on the back Here we go Oh I was wrong What? The Carolina Reaper is currently the hottest pepper

Starting point is 00:33:38 around it says here Right Boasting over 1.5 million Scoville heat units SHU That can't possibly translate to the snack though can it? Yeah Legally can they do that? Hosting over 1.5 million Scoville heat units. SHU is the abbreviation. That can't possibly translate to the snack, though, can it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:48 Legally, can they do that? They've done it. They've warned you. Don't you have to get permission to buy a thing from the police or something? No, that's the extract. Right. That's the extract, which is dangerous. And there was that story of some people who tried to prank their friend.

Starting point is 00:34:02 Oh, and they killed him. They killed him with some chilli extract. So, I mean, this is serious stuff, guys. Now, we're experienced. We are trained professionals. Paul is quite good with taking the heat, and I'm pretty good with taking the heat as well. Hers has accepted this flavour challenge

Starting point is 00:34:19 by combining the heat of the Carolina Reaper pepper with the savoury goodness of our classic cheese curls. Interesting. They are literally, they're probably known for that. They're American what's-its. The cheese probably offsets the sharp, hot heat tang. You know what I mean? Well, it's going to be like a Cheeto, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:34:36 Yeah. A flaming hot Cheeto, which I think are great. I've got some Chester's hot fries as well. Have you had those? They're like chip sticks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give you some of those later. Let's have some.

Starting point is 00:34:45 Come on, let's eat them. Let me just finish this. Hottest snack item we've ever made. I guarantee you that hotheads will not be disappointed. The rest of you, well, you've been warned. Okay, that's what you're saying. All right, then. And that's the CEO of hers.

Starting point is 00:34:59 Okay. Open it away from the mic because it's quite loud. Thank you. I'm going to have a huff. I hope it doesn't fucking burn your eyes out. He's huffing it. It's going deep in. Oh, dear.

Starting point is 00:35:13 He took a too deep a huff, ladies and gentlemen. Some of the powder hit the back of my throat, man. These are not messing around. I'm going in very gingerly. I can smell a little bit of something, but not much. Here we go. I'm open. I'm excited. I'm going to have gingerly. I can smell a little bit of something, but not much. Here we go. I'm open. I'm excited.

Starting point is 00:35:28 I'm going to have this big one here. It looks like a Watsit, though, doesn't it? Like a giant Watsit. The giant Watsits you had, were they bigger than this? About the same. About the same. Actually, you're going to get a good idea what a giant Watsit's texture like. We're going in.

Starting point is 00:35:41 Wow. They're nice. Really nice. I thought they were going to be much hotter. It builds nice. Really nice. I thought they were going to be much hotter. It builds up. It builds. And not off-putting. There's still enough flavour there that it's pleasant to eat and not just hot heat nastiness.

Starting point is 00:35:57 No, it's not ridiculously hot, but it is pretty spicy. But I wouldn't say it was off-puttingly hot. You wouldn't put one in and go, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, water, water, milk. You would if you weren't used to it. I think that's what they're saying on the packet.

Starting point is 00:36:09 Oh, you're saying that because we're old pros at this. Yeah. We've taken enough heat in our mouths. That is, I mean, I'm getting some of that heat behind the eyes coming.

Starting point is 00:36:15 I'm not. Not that it means anything. They're really nice. Well, they are really nice. Really nice. Wow. I'm going to give them a B on the nose.

Starting point is 00:36:24 I'll go 4.5 out of 5 alright 4.5 I'm writing it down ooh lovely wow what a wonderful snack

Starting point is 00:36:32 we'll be eating those later I mean just in terms of the texture mmm they're shit all over the Happy Snacks it's not a fair comparison no

Starting point is 00:36:39 because they're really expensive but wow in fact I would say they had a better texture than the Big Watts it's really more crispy more crispy yeah More crispy? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:45 Yeah. Oh, it's giving me a right fucking chunk me bonk on. That is, that's a lovely thing. Oh, well, how much did that cost though?

Starting point is 00:36:55 I think that was like £3.50, something like that. Yeah, comparatively speaking it's cheaper. That's the point, they're imported now. Yeah, and you're paying

Starting point is 00:37:02 all the duties and stuff on top of it. It's all gone mad. The world's gone mad with importing American crisps. The world has gone absolutely cock-a-bonkers, as I'm sure the audience will agree. Now, we need to wrap this segment up. Do you have any final thoughts about what you've eaten?

Starting point is 00:37:16 I loved all of these. I love the Happy Snacks. I could easily eat about six packets of those in a row. And the Hers Carolina Reaper Scorching Hot Cheese Curls, one of the best snack products I've those in a row and the the hers Carolina Reaper scorching hot cheese curls one of the one of the best snack products

Starting point is 00:37:28 I've tasted in a long time mmm what a satisfying lovely way to end this segment and Eli I've got my fucking sweat on yes I told you

Starting point is 00:37:36 do you see what I mean yeah it's like it doesn't burn the mouth but it's actually it's starting to build up yeah oh I've got a big sweat on

Starting point is 00:37:43 yeah you're beading I'm beading yeah more ways than fucking one mate yeah knob gag knob chod off

Starting point is 00:37:51 chodging chod ring me me me me me podololololol off Me, me, me Off, Brand Off. Off Brand Off, Brand Off. Off Brand Off. Gobble Off. Gobble Off. Gobble Off. Gobble Off. It's Off Brand Off, Brand Off. It's Gobble Off, Old Man Brand Off. No, don't say that. It's Off Brand, Brand Off, people.

Starting point is 00:38:36 This is the segment of the show where I do a blind taste test of some products, which are brands and the Off-brand of that brand. If you see what I mean. If you see what I mean. I test the brand and then I test the off-brand of the brand. And I tell you I try and identify which is the brand and which is off-brand off-brand. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand off. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand

Starting point is 00:38:58 off. Gobbly, gobbly, dobbly joff. Joffly, joffly. Off-brand, brand off. God, I long for the days when we used to have conversations on this fucking podcast We just had a conversation

Starting point is 00:39:08 about crisps it was quite sober Alright but you still Let me have one Chodney per segment You all are going to have to

Starting point is 00:39:16 negotiate that because you've already expunged your Chodney quotient Right So we're going to be doing Off-Brand Brand Off. In the past, for example,

Starting point is 00:39:27 we've done the McVitie's Known Digestive Biscuit against, like, your Morrison's or your Tesco's own brand, you know, and seen which ones

Starting point is 00:39:36 the... You know, sometimes we get surprised. Sometimes the off-brand stuff is good or better. Yes, sometimes it is, Paul, and it's all about trying to deliver

Starting point is 00:39:44 tips which represent good value for money to the listenership good or better. Yes, sometimes it is Paul and it's all about trying to deliver tips which represent good value for money to the listenership of the podcast. Paul, you know, we all say Chodney, Boros, Forage, Boros, Chodney sometimes. We do say that sometimes. And it might seem like an inaccessible

Starting point is 00:40:00 weird language game that goes on year after year and no one knows that ultimately puts off new listeners and potential audiences and is futile and makes me feel bad

Starting point is 00:40:09 about myself that this is what I've come down to in life you are in control of your own chodney based words spore off

Starting point is 00:40:17 chonkers chonkers yeah that's a new one now chonkers chonkers now

Starting point is 00:40:24 there is a serious point underneath this segment, and the point is... Yeah. We see if it's worth your while, both in terms of quality and in terms of the budget... And price, yes. ...to go for the off-brand. So today...

Starting point is 00:40:38 Rather than the on-brand. So, again, once again, thanks to Lisa and David, who have supplied this week's Off-Brand Brand-Off. And, Eli, today's branded product you'll be tasting is the famous Kinder Bueno. It is a popular chocolate snack. It's a nice chocolate snack, isn't it? How do they describe it?

Starting point is 00:40:58 It's a wafer bar, essentially, isn't it? It's a wafer chocolate bar. Milk and hazelnut cream wafer bar, like wafer bits with chocolate. Is there chocolate in it? Yeah, there's chocolate on the top, see? Oh, yes. Let's mention this now,

Starting point is 00:41:11 whilst we're talking of these things, hazelnutty. Oh, yes. Avid listeners, who've been with us for a long time, will know that we... Yeah, back in the early days, like episode 15, 16, 17,

Starting point is 00:41:24 something like that. One of the earliest things we tasted was Eurocreme Nutella knockoff which is a Nutella sort of knockoff but it was like

Starting point is 00:41:32 a two tone thing wasn't it I believe it had two swirls of colour two swirls that you mixed together and then you stuck on a cracker

Starting point is 00:41:38 and I've spotted round here Paul come round here Eurocreme are doing bars now Eurocreme bars yes they're doing like chocolate wafer bars I believe they are they're added to the list Come round here, Paul. Come round here. Eurocrem are doing bars now. Eurocrem bars? Yes.

Starting point is 00:41:48 They're doing like chocolate wafer bars, I believe they are. We need to taste those. Eurocrem, get the creme out. Get the creme out. Get the euro in my creme. Yes. Don't issue the tissue in which I have issued. So, a Kinder Bueno is milk chocolate covered wafer with smooth milky and hazelnut filling.

Starting point is 00:42:08 And what is the... Two fingers. That's the on-brand. And the off-brand. And this is a copy of some sort. It's called, I believe, Croncho. Hey!

Starting point is 00:42:21 Croncho. Hey, Croncho! Yes. Come over here, man! It's not Cheech and Chong. Hey! Cheech and Croncho. Hey, Croncho! Yes. Come over here, man! It's good. Hey! It's not Cheech and Chong. Hey!

Starting point is 00:42:28 Cheech and Croncho. Croncho, get down on this earth! I got something for you! Right, good. I got something for you right here! So, Eli, before I stab you with the pen I'm holding... Chow down on my Croncho! Yes, don't stab me, please.

Starting point is 00:42:45 Chonkers. Cron stab me please chonkers croncho me chonkers I will stab you in your chonkers chonkers croncho now let's have a fair fight

Starting point is 00:42:52 right imagine that no that's the last thing right now I want my brain to do just keep getting that image of that

Starting point is 00:43:00 guy's penis he was suggesting potato wanker to me and don't forget the penis man with the tattoos and everything. I know, it's a weird foreshadowing for my subconscious. Foreskin shadowing.

Starting point is 00:43:12 Right, can we move on? I just imagine him pulling it out like a big sail. Yeah. Like he's trying to fold a duvet. What a nasty fellow. Here's the thing. I hope his penis was fine. Here's the thing, though. He might be all like,

Starting point is 00:43:26 now, now, now, look at my penis, but where'd you go from there? You've run out of real estate, haven't you, on your cock to do anything new with? Yeah, and it just seemed like the whole thing was just a bit sort of with the serial girlfriends, they were saying, weren't they?

Starting point is 00:43:39 Different women. Like it's a means to an end. Yes. To get attention to his junk and find a particular can of lady fuck off well look

Starting point is 00:43:50 we are in this secret place it may sound similar to the we're doing guerrilla cheap show oh mate don't shout Paul can we eat this fucking thing now right so

Starting point is 00:44:02 I'm not eating it you are you are eating it. You've got the blindfold. So he's putting the blindfold on, which today, ladies and gentlemen, is a delightful bright red and white tartan scarf. Now, Paul, have you got any tips?

Starting point is 00:44:17 What are your views? I've got a big fucking tip for you, mate. I tire of the penis jokes. No, I don't really. No, you fucking live off them. Right, I live the penis jokes. No, I don't really. No, you fucking live off them. Right, I live off penis jokes. You live off... Imagine you were that.

Starting point is 00:44:31 Like, you were some kind of writer and your speciality was penis jokes. They just went to you for knob gags only. Ring Paul Gannon. He's the top knob gag joke writer in the land. Yeah, maybe. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello?

Starting point is 00:44:44 I need a knob gag. What kind of knob gag would, ring, ring. Hello? I need a knob gag. What kind of knob gag would you like, sir? We have three types of knob gag. All right, what's the first type? We've got the flaccid knob gag. We talk about the small size. Don't like that, don't like that.

Starting point is 00:44:54 We've got big knobs, jokes about big penises. Oh, you're warming me up now. And then we have our third genre, which is the things that emanate from said penis. Spunk! Spunk gag!

Starting point is 00:45:03 Spunk gag! You want a spunk gag? All right, what kind of spunk gag would you like? Spunk gag, please! Would you like a spunk gag? Man on man, man on woman, woman on man, woman on woman. I was thinking... What kind of spunk do you want?

Starting point is 00:45:13 Would you want thick? Do you want creamy? Do you want translucent? Actually, I think I'm going to go to the other knob guy. Do you want stinky? There's no fucking better knob gag guy in this country than me. I've heard otherwise. Who have you heard is a good knob gag guy?

Starting point is 00:45:26 Eh? Give me names. This is my fucking career I'm defending here. There's a guy who's called Chodney. Chodney Boroff. Why do you find... Oh, I'm delirious. Well, by all means, go to him.

Starting point is 00:45:41 But you'll be back calling me tomorrow wanting a better knob gag. And then, my friend, I'll be charging more. tomorrow wanting a better knob gag and then my friend I'll be charging more alright alright what about I give you a test one yeah I'll give you the situation and I'll give you

Starting point is 00:45:52 the thickness of the spunk I need and I'll give you the size of the knob and you just have to do it off the top of your head right now alright donkey

Starting point is 00:45:59 donkey yeah er wimpy diner wimpy diner milkshake right wimpy Diner. Wimpy Diner. Milkshake. Right, a Wimpy Diner milkshake. Donkey.

Starting point is 00:46:09 Right. I need a big knob in it. Right, let me just have a little think then, yeah? Right, okay, so I was going to go Wimpy's to get a milkshake. Oh, yeah. But then I found out they were milking a donkey to fill up a cup of spunk. And I said to them, thank god i didn't go to happy eater uh i'll be going to chodney yeah i think you should goodbye all right brilliant paul brilliant brilliant improvisation now i wish i was best knob gag guy no you'll never be best

Starting point is 00:46:39 knob gag guy now can we fucking do this i want to know but best mob gag guy. Now. Can we fucking do this suddenly? I want to, no, but you know. Oh, it's 11 minutes, come on. Imagine though, even more niche, there was someone who was just curtains jokes. Yeah. I'm Derek Willow and I do curtains jokes. Hello Derek, I've got a joke that involves some heavy draped curtains in this sitcom. Okay, what about this?

Starting point is 00:47:00 Can I draw your attention to these curtains? I mean, if this was Radio 4, that would be perfect. But this is ITV. We're looking for something a little bit more beige and unpleasant. Oh, I've shat on the curtains. Excellent.

Starting point is 00:47:13 Right, now. Excellent. Get that written down. You hear it? Yes. It's shat on the curtains. Yes. Oh, I found Jimmy Pube on this beef curtain.

Starting point is 00:47:27 Maybe we'll all call John Neat he's the best guy this Boroff guy, he's got the best can we do this because I'm losing the will to continue living put the jaw on the wall going off on tangents put it on, put the mask on I don't know how much longer I can do this podcast mate, fucking at least 15 more minutes

Starting point is 00:47:43 he's putting on the blindfold i've got the blindfold on now i wanted to ask you paul yeah what are your feelings about kinder bueno i know you like it but what would it what is it about the kinder bueno that might be lacking in the cruncher well i think the texture and the flavor is going to be the major thing i think the wafer is really nice on a kinder bueno it's light it's crunchy it contains the milky filling quite nicely and the milky filling is

Starting point is 00:48:07 always quite pleasant with the hazelnut chocolate thing going So the Croncho might be more of a damp wafer? It could be a softer wafer,

Starting point is 00:48:15 the chocolate could be darker, lighter, less hazelnutty, more creamy. We just don't know. But they're both the same product

Starting point is 00:48:22 essentially. One is a copy of the other. Croncho looks almost exactly like a Kinder Bueno. In terms of the dimension, I'm not going to get any clues from the actual shape of the segment. No, I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:48:34 I was a bit worried about that, thinking, well, obviously, you know what a Kinder Bueno shape is. Well, famously, when we did Jaffa Cakes, the fucking Iceland ones or whatever were half the size of a normal Jaffa Cake. They were like a cake. It was like having a fucking chocolate button in your mouth with a bit of cake pasted on the side.

Starting point is 00:48:50 If I'd done it again, I might have cut a segment off so it would have been harder maybe by just having a quarter. You live and learn. You live and learn. Right, so here we go. We've got the Croncho and we've got the Kinder Bueno. I'm going to hand one of these now, a chunk, to Eli and we're going to see what he thinks. So here is the first

Starting point is 00:49:06 segment. Okay. It's in his hand. I'm not going to try and discern anything from the texture in my hand. It's either the kinder or the cruncho. I'm just going to pop it right in the gob-hole, Paul. Here we go. It's in his gob-hole. He's having a good old crunch of it, ladies and gentlemen. And instant feelings, instant reactions

Starting point is 00:49:22 to this chocolate treat in your mouth. The wafer's a bit... Lean forward a bit, maybe, just so in your mouth. The wafer's a bit... Lean forward a bit, maybe, just so, you know... The wafer's a bit underwhelming. Okay. Chocolate quality? Hardly any chocolate taste. Really? The hazelnut feels... Sorry, feels a bit dull.

Starting point is 00:49:37 Okay. So on first guess, I'd say that's the Croncho, because it doesn't seem to... There's something... When taking a thin slice, the immediate feeling as I put it in my mouth is that's not Kinder that's not Breno

Starting point is 00:49:47 it doesn't have the amplitude of Kinder Breno it doesn't have the fucking amplitude of Breno but I might be wrong and I might now this might be worse this next thing

Starting point is 00:49:54 in which case I'm going to change my mind but I haven't made my mind up yet Paul because I've only had one the first chunk haven't I yeah exactly

Starting point is 00:50:00 and it's can you hand me my water please yes here we go I'm passing him in his water which is in a cheap show mug which you can get on uh the red bubble site tony has which we'll have links to on our website thecheapshow.co.uk it's a great mug this is uh cheap show but written cheap show but nissan noodle cup noodle style it's a great it's a beautiful piece of art links on thecheapshow.co.uk. Okay. Right, mouth is clean.

Starting point is 00:50:25 Mouth is clean. Light is green. The mouth is clean. Right, here's the second chunk. Hand out. Mouth is clean. The light is green. Chonk my hand up from the chonker's hole.

Starting point is 00:50:35 Put the chalk in your gob. All right. It's in. He's biting down. He's making mulching sounds with his mouth. And I'm talking over them so the unpleasant crunchy munchy sound isn't heard directly in your ear at this point. Now, Eli, at this time and day, what have you got to say?

Starting point is 00:50:50 Amplitude is so much better on that. I think that's the bueno. You know what? This might be a home run. This might be the easiest one you've done. That is the bueno. That is. You know what?

Starting point is 00:50:59 Let's just skip to the end. It was a bueno. Now, interestingly... I was right. Interestingly. Yeah, you were right. The second was bueno. The first one was the chongas. It's so much nicer. Have you tried? No, croncho. I'm going to try in a bueno. Now, interestingly... I was right. Interestingly. Yeah, you were right. The second was bueno. The first one was the chongas.

Starting point is 00:51:07 It's so much nicer. Have you tried? No, croncho. I'm going to try in a minute. Now, the kinder bueno on its own, two fingers of it, 70p. Whereas the croncho was three bars for one pound. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:20 With that in mind, though, would you want to have three bars of that? Six fingers? I don't know. Put it this way. If you've got an itch and only a braino can scratch it, you might as well just get the braino. I'm going to try the Croncho.

Starting point is 00:51:35 Yeah. Yeah. The wafer's the major letdown here because it's so thick. It's dull. And dull. It kind of just mulches out the chocolate flavour. And there's sort of a lack of sweetness in a way

Starting point is 00:51:46 do you know what I mean no sweetness yeah do you know what I mean man the brain-o is a fucking it's an amplitude of beauty that's a strangely

Starting point is 00:51:53 bland bar it's just not very good it's cheaper it just doesn't it just doesn't my advice would be don't don't go for a croncho

Starting point is 00:52:01 why has it fucking got an umlaut on the o on croncho as well it's like it's a fucking it the O on Croncho as well? It's like it's a fucking... It's like a Mexican heavy metal band. Well, I don't know where it's made, what country it's made in. I might look it up.

Starting point is 00:52:12 I can't find much out about it. Hazelnut, yeah, that's the ingredients. That's all the ingredients. Is there anything in the letter about where they got it? No. Oh, no, I think they got most of it in B&M. B&M is a fucking treasure trove. It's helped out this cheap show many a time.

Starting point is 00:52:26 Oh, you know what we have to do on the soda jerk section is those new cake-flavoured sodas or whatever. Do you know those ones? The cake-flavoured, yeah. Are they cake-flavoured? I went to one the other day, B&M, and they didn't have any. You know what, I spotted some near here. Should I pick them up?

Starting point is 00:52:40 Yeah, I'll pick them up. I can't figure out, without wasting too much time, I can't find out where it's made. Alright, now do the comparison. I don pick them up. I can't figure out, without wasting too much time, I can't find out where it's made, but... All right, now, do the comparison. Taste the Brano. I don't need to. I know the Brano's lovely. The problem is now...

Starting point is 00:52:50 Well, just do a direct comparison, sensory comparison. This gives you a new respect for the kinder people. It's night and day. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's so nice. The Brano's really the amplitude there, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:04 It's like you don't notice any of the individual, the hazel. It's all going together. It's all together. It's so nice. The braino's really the amplitude there, you know? Yeah. It's like you don't notice any of the individual, the hazelnut. It's all going together. It's all together. It's all together. It's all there in the bite. Basically, with the Croncho, you think, oh, that's a bad wafer. And then it's like, oh, the hazelnut's almost artificially tasting in the Croncho. Do you know what I'm getting at?

Starting point is 00:53:18 Hang on. Wait there. Hang on. I've got to call him. Beep, beep. Boop, beep, boop, boop. Oh, fuck's sake. Beep, beep, boop, boop. Luckily, the touchtone on this phone sounds like a man going beep beep boop beep boop oh fuck's sake beep beep boop boop luckily the

Starting point is 00:53:27 the touch tone on this phone sounds like a man going beep boop it's weird beep beep boop boop beep boop brrrr yes

Starting point is 00:53:34 brrrr hello Mr Brandoff is it okay to call you is it okay to can you? Is it okay to... Can you speak? Don't say the fucking name, Ruff Ruff. All right, Chodney Boroff.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Now, listen. Do you have time to talk to us? Because we've just done our off-brand Brandoff segment. Well, I'll just be... I'll be expecting the payment. Have you put it in the drop box? We've put it in a... In the tin.

Starting point is 00:54:01 You put it in a tin in the tree in the park. In the park, behind the tube. Yes, that's where we've put it. Ruff, Ruff, in the tin in the tree in the park. In the park behind the tube. Yes, that's where we've put it. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Yes, the money's there. And I... But that's the last we can give you, though. We're running on empty ourselves.

Starting point is 00:54:13 We can't have access to our money because Biffo's got it now. I've got two more biscuits here. Hey, I'm over here. I don't have much to say. Supporting the show 100%. I hope you get it back, boys. Did you hear that, Paul? No, I heard that. Yeah, no, I'm glad he's there and he's supportive.

Starting point is 00:54:27 We're here, we're fighting out. Do you know what we've been eating? What? Tins of beans. Don't you have loads of money? You just robbed the casino. We can't spend any of it, can we? Because I've got fucking ink packs on the money. It's all green. No, that wasn't ink packs. That was just his spunk. Green spunk?

Starting point is 00:54:44 Rob, Rob? Whose spunk? Brandovsky's. That man's his spunk. Green spunk? Ruff Ruff? Who's spunk? Brandovsky's. That man's a monster. It's like he's from a mirror world. Well, no, strictly speaking, you're from the mirror world. I'm from the mirror world? Yeah, strictly speaking. Listen, hang on a second. Carol! Carol! Ruff Ruff!

Starting point is 00:55:00 Could you just bring it here? Just bring it here. I'll sprinkle it myself. I'll just pipette it on. It it here. I'll sprinkle it myself. I'll just pipette it on. It's fine. I don't need it. I'll just have a quick sniff. Ruff, ruff. I'll just sprinkle it on. Look, we haven't got much time. You better not have been drinking a lot of water. I want it really yellow and sticky. I think the police are tracing this call. Ruff, ruff. Well, I have to go. Just put the money in the tree, yeah?

Starting point is 00:55:22 But listen, you've got to say congratulations to Eli for getting it right. You spotted the right thing. That's all you've got to do, then fuck off. Hello, I'm Richard Brandoff. Ruff, ruff. Well done on my segment, and I'll be expecting the money in the tree. Piss in my mouth!

Starting point is 00:55:36 Goodbye! There we go. He's hiding out with Jimmy Biscuits and Carol. Yeah, I'm guessing they're waiting for the heat to die down and then they can spend the money and jet off somewhere. I wonder if there's going to be some kind of love triangle story there. Could be.

Starting point is 00:55:49 Or they'll just fucking spit roast it. They'll spit roast what? Well, they can take turns being in the middle, can't they? Oh, come on. They could be brand off with Carol at one end

Starting point is 00:55:58 pegging him and then Jimmy Biscuits mouth full. All that kind of stuff. They could do it any number of ways. Jimmy Biscuits in the middle. Two that kind of stuff. They could do it any number of ways. Jimmy Biscuit's in the middle. Two in one end, one in the other.

Starting point is 00:56:09 Carol in the middle. There's loads. There's a certain amount of variations. Three. Each one in the middle, one time. But then you could alternate each end. So one's facing north and the other's facing south.

Starting point is 00:56:23 So we've got three people right so theoretically he could face north south east and west yes let's say front and back let's say

Starting point is 00:56:29 so you've got Jimmy in the middle Carol at the front Brand off at the back that's right then you've got Jimmy in the middle yeah

Starting point is 00:56:35 Brand off at the front Carol at the back that's two that is two and there's another two people to go in the middle and they'll each have two variations

Starting point is 00:56:42 so that's nine no no you're going to be in three positions each person there's have two variations. So that's nine? No. You're going to be in three positions each person. There's six. Yeah, but there's

Starting point is 00:56:48 three rotations of it so that's nine. No, it's six. I'm going to be front, middle, back. Not me. The characters will be front, middle, back

Starting point is 00:56:55 at any one time which means they have three rotations, right? So overall there's six. There's nine. No, there's not. Listen.

Starting point is 00:57:04 Jimmy in the middle Listen Jimmy in the middle Jimmy in the middle Right Worst sitcom ever Jimmy in the middle Yeah Then he's got two variations So that's three

Starting point is 00:57:13 He has three combinations in all No No Yeah In the set up He can either be there There or there Right

Starting point is 00:57:20 No that's not true It is He can be Listen Mouth head end Or arse end Oh give me a pen we'll finish this off we make we got this is we need to do i'll fucking show you you need to the hot

Starting point is 00:57:31 sauce segment listen i don't care about which end there's jimmy yeah there's brand off there's carol yes bjc yeah okay so then jimmy goes the ar No, let's just do one character at a time. We've got to do Jimmy and the variations. And then, okay? And you just stick with me. So that's Jimmy's first variation. So it's six combinations. That's what I fucking said.

Starting point is 00:57:56 In this one instance. Because then you've got... There's no other variations you can do. B, B, and then you've got C, C. And then you've got J, J, J, J, C, C, C, C. No, that's... You've done two Cs. How can Carol be in two places at once? One, two, C, B.

Starting point is 00:58:12 So that's six, right? Yeah. But also, how about this? You can face north. You can do that facing north. What do you mean face north? There's no compass points. It's either you're up the chuffney or you're up the mouth hole.

Starting point is 00:58:27 That's the only two variations it's not a compass now when it gets to holes we can spice it up a bit I have one hole, two holes options I don't know why I keep putting myself into this you want it you know what let's keep it simple

Starting point is 00:58:43 and I'll book the church hall next week and we'll get it sorted do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I'm Eli Silverman and I have a suit and tie on I'm the host of Source Report and I am the co-anchor I am the co-lacker of this segment the word is co-acker it's not co-lacker it's the hot sauce segment ladies and gentlemen because we have been sent

Starting point is 00:59:18 again by Lisa and Dave a selection of hot sauces these are all from one company and the gimmick here is they look like sticks of dynamite. Right. It says five dynamite hot sauces, five pounds for all. Okay, good. So a pound of sauce.

Starting point is 00:59:34 Yeah, but that's pretty good value when it comes to hot sauce. It is. Hot sauce can be quite expensive, but how good are these going to be? These are called Ignite and Burn, five hot sauces. The design's kind of cute, isn't it? It's cute. It's like the old-fashioned Sticks of Dynamite you'd see

Starting point is 00:59:46 in a Western. You know what I mean? And it's got a label here. Let's see if there's any extra information. No, it's just got the nutritional information and the ingredients.

Starting point is 00:59:54 So, nicely made. But these are different sauces. It's not five of the same sauces. It's a selection, isn't it? So I'm going to... I wonder if it tells you which one's the hottest or not. It does.

Starting point is 01:00:03 Now, what you've got... Shall we just go through them quickly? Let's go through them quickly. Jalapeno. Jalapeno. Now... Don't do that. It annoys people.

Starting point is 01:00:11 What? Putting the nj in. What did you say? No, it's jalapeno. Is it? Yeah. It's not jalapeno. I've got so much shit for saying jalapeno and habanero.

Starting point is 01:00:21 Right? It's jalapeno, not njo, jalapeno and habanero. Okay. Jalapeno, more like. Right. Now, you've got jalapeno. We've got spicy. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:33 I mean, what's that? Is that all it says? Spicy? It just says spicy. I bet these are going to be very similar. Garlic. Hot sauce. That's nice.

Starting point is 01:00:41 I like a garlic hot sauce. Yeah. Sriracha famously has garlic in okay yeah so that might be more sriyatry yeah snake bite

Starting point is 01:00:50 whatever that means is that mean all of these say banger on them and then we've got extra spicy so should we start from what do you think's

Starting point is 01:00:58 the weakest garlic probably the jalapeno or the garlic let's go for jalapeno first yeah and we've got crackers to taste these

Starting point is 01:01:03 I'm gonna I'll get the crackers up. It seems a shame to destroy the packaging really. Do you know what? I sort of suspect this is like a gift. It's a gimmicky. This is bought from B&M. I've seen these at B&M and I've also nearly bought them myself in the past. So now we're going to see if they're any good.

Starting point is 01:01:18 We've got a neutral water biscuits. Jacobs. Jacobs cream cracker. And remember they're called cream cracker because the ingredients are creamed in the process of making them

Starting point is 01:01:29 there's no dairy there is absolutely no dairy dairy there's no dairy dairy I'm weary of your dairy

Starting point is 01:01:35 I'm weary of your dangle dairy I don't know what that means I issue the tissue now it's a bit of a

Starting point is 01:01:42 tough game just tear it open I'm trying it's like trying to get into a tough Christmas. Just tear it open. I'm trying. It's like trying to get into a tough Christmas cracker. Now, let's see. What do you think the bottle's going to be like in there? Probably quite basic. Will it have another label on the bottle?

Starting point is 01:01:52 Yeah, there's another label on the bottle. It's a lot of packaging, isn't it? Yeah. Unnecessary amounts of packaging. It's just a gimmicky thing. Oh, it looks like a little wine bottle. Cute little bottle. Why is everything attached with strings?

Starting point is 01:02:05 It's all attached with this fake dynamite core. Have you got like a... Oh, no, I got it off. I got it off. All right. Give it over here. I'll warm up the others while you're preparing this. Now, shall we have a taste of this jalapeno?

Starting point is 01:02:16 Does it have any more information on the bottle about what it is? No. No ingredients. They put all the ingredients on the little pamphlet thing. So jalapeno is not a strong pepper, but has a lot of flavour. A sort of vegetable-y, grass-y sort of flavour. It's a real kind of dry heat, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:02:32 I love jalapeno. Now, do you want to taste a bit of this? I've given it a little shake. Just give it a little dabble on the corner. It doesn't look carrot-y. It looks like it's legit. Yeah, there's no carrot-y colourful pulp. Just pour a tiny little bit on there.

Starting point is 01:02:43 Maybe there is. I would actually be interested to see if they've put carrot in this. Is there no on the bottle? No, if they use thickener, I think what it is with those terrible carrot-based ones, Paul, I think what they've done

Starting point is 01:02:55 is they don't want to put thickening because they know their market is sort of like a health foodie market and people sort of, you know, will look and go, oh, artificial thickener, you know what I mean? And they'll go off it. But if it says carrot, they go, oh, artificial fitna. You know what I mean? And they'll go off it.

Starting point is 01:03:06 But if it says carrot, they go, oh, I like carrots. Carrots are natural. No carrot at all listed on any of the ingredients for these. What do you think of the smell? Very jalapeno-y. Very jalapeno-y. It's a nice, it's quite a nice colour. That's it, that'll do it.

Starting point is 01:03:17 I've dribbled it into the corner there. And it does look like snot. I will say that for it. It looks like a big phlegmy back of the throat. It shouldn't be too hot now let's just see what this is like tasting the jalapeno

Starting point is 01:03:28 oh it's really vinegary really vinegary yeah too vinegary and not that hot no I wouldn't expect it to be that hot but it's overwhelming the sort of

Starting point is 01:03:37 vegetable flavour of the jalapeno yeah the vinegar I hope the others aren't like that fucking taking forever to get in these

Starting point is 01:03:43 too vinegary seriously look at the fucking state of this I'll get to work on the other one fucking tug it bear with us while we just unwrap

Starting point is 01:03:52 all these fucking things it's fucking a nightmare yeah it's all tapey as well isn't it well they do have the labels so we're not gonna we'll know which ones yeah we'll know which ones

Starting point is 01:04:02 we've done that one we'll know which ones are which can I just give it instantly a downgrade for fucking packaging? Because this... Well, that's what I mean about the gimmicky nature. It's like a gift. It's like, oh, he likes hot sauces.

Starting point is 01:04:11 You know what I mean? They like hot sauces. I'll get them that. This is funny. But it's not. And it's just a waste of fucking resources. But I also, funnily enough, I bought some like bruschetta topping. Italian bruschetta topping.

Starting point is 01:04:23 Yeah. Which had the same design conceit, but it was just a single jar. It was made to look bruschetta topping. Yeah. Which had the same design and conceit but it was just a single jar. It was made to look like a dynamite. Whereas this is a fucking ongoing nightmare

Starting point is 01:04:31 of paper, plastic and fucking lace. Snake bite. Now this is hot but this is the same colour. We're not going to go for the snake bite next. I feel like that

Starting point is 01:04:38 we should end on. It feels like it's the bad boy. Well it's green. They are different colours. Garlic. Garlic sauce first. The garlic pot. Right.

Starting point is 01:04:45 This will be similar to a sriracha, I feel. The fuck is even wrapping on the fucking neck of the bottle? I know, that's really annoying. No need. Let me in your juice. Right, here we go. Good colour on the garlic. Nice vibrant orange colour.

Starting point is 01:04:58 They look like little wine bottles, don't they? Yeah. I mean, the bottles... Oh, what do you think? It's very sriracha-y. Yes. Right. Well, that is very sriracha-y. Yes. Right. Well that is what sriracha is

Starting point is 01:05:07 essentially. Sugar, chilli and garlic. Let's put a little bit on here. Can I get a dribble? Yeah. A dribble of the garlic one. Is that enough?

Starting point is 01:05:14 Now I'm hoping this is less vinegary. Fingers crossed. No. Very vinegary. Not unpleasant though. Not that bad. None of these are unpleasant

Starting point is 01:05:23 but so far I mean Tabasco is very vinegary. Crystal is very vinegary. Not unpleasant, though. Not that bad. None of these are unpleasant, but so far... I mean, Tabasco is very vinegary. Crystal is very vinegary. Yeah. But, I mean... What do you want to do now, then? We've got extra spicy, snake bite, and is that just spicy? You should probably do spicy then extra.

Starting point is 01:05:35 Let's just do spicy. Let's have a huff report on the spicy. What are you doing, the other one? It's a peppery spice. And I'm going to just... Very similar colour to the garlic. Same colour, I'd say. Srirachery.

Starting point is 01:05:46 Right, here we go. Which one's this one? Spicy? Yeah. Here we go with spicy. Watery. Yeah. Vinegary.

Starting point is 01:05:53 Not even vinegary to that. Just like watery than peppery. It's not terrible. It's not great. It's got much flavour to it. It's exactly the same as the garlic one, just without garlic. Would you agree with that? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:03 Slightly spicier, actually. Because it's got that peppery aftertaste. That's not too bad. No, it's the best so far. You'd say that's the best so far? Out of the three of them, yeah, we've had. Yeah, actually, you're right. Because it has a little bit of heat, but it's still a bit too watery.

Starting point is 01:06:15 Yeah. I am now trying extra spicy. And then we're going to finish on the snake bite, which looks to be another jalapeno one, because it's green. It's only the second green one. Yeah, we're ending with a nice snotty green one. Right, here we go. Do you want a cracker?

Starting point is 01:06:26 I need a new cracker. Refresh my cracker, please. Cracker boy, come here. Oh, is he called Jimmy? Hello, I'm Jimmy Cracker Boy. Oh, fuck off, Jimmy Cracker Boy. Right. Right, here we go.

Starting point is 01:06:37 So I'm going to put a little dollop on here. This is extra spicy. Yeah. So do you think this won't trouble us, will it? No. Not based on the

Starting point is 01:06:45 profile of the last two. Different smell. Sweeter smell. And often the sweeter chillies are. It almost smells like toothpaste. Yeah, it's not great.

Starting point is 01:06:53 Weird. Weird tasting. I know what you mean about the toothpaste. Definitely hotter. That's hot. That's got heat to it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:02 It's too chemically fake flavour. Yeah, yeah. Funny, toothpaste-y front flavour. Isn't that weird though. Yeah. It's too chemically fake flavour. Yeah, yeah. Funny, toothpastey front flavour. Isn't that weird though? Yeah. Like a mouthwash-y quality. Yes, definitely.

Starting point is 01:07:10 Definitely. Well noticed. Listerine. Yeah. Well noticed. Not a pleasant one. It's got the heat, but everything else is. It is quite hot, that one though.

Starting point is 01:07:18 I've got sweat on. Wow, that's hot maybe. God, that's a sweaty one. All right. So the heat was there, but that's it. And we're finishing. Have you got cracker left? I've got a little bit of cracker left.

Starting point is 01:07:27 Now, snakebite, interestingly, is green as well, so it's probably a weak one. It's probably a stronger jalapeno, I'd say. That would be my prediction for this one. Oh god. It's hot, isn't it, that one? Yeah, the heat. The extra spicy is hot. The heat, you know, the heat is one thing, because I want the heat. The problem is, what makes it

Starting point is 01:07:43 unsettling is that Listerine-y quality which is really unsettling. And that's what you were picking up on the huff as well. So I'm going to give this a shake. Hopefully this will dispel that taste for you. My tongue actually hurts from that last one. I'm actually feeling really ill now. We should have ended with the extra spicy

Starting point is 01:07:59 because fucking hell that was extra spicy. Here we go. My tongue is burning. The snake bite's going down the hatch. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, that's not as nice as the jalapeno.

Starting point is 01:08:10 That almost tastes like it's off or something, or it's got germs in it or something. It's not great taste. It tastes like I've drunk something in a jar in the fridge that's been in there for too long. It has a bit of an off-vegetable sort of flavour, yeah. Yeah. Not a great chilli flavour.

Starting point is 01:08:24 The jalapeno's definitely a nicer flavour. Would you agree? Yeah. Now, I need you to rank these quickly. All five of them. Make them rank them off. Okay.

Starting point is 01:08:33 I'm going to do this. I'm going to... Give me the bottles. Give me the bottles. I'm going to rank them. Put the lid on. I need to put the lid on but I can't get the sleeve

Starting point is 01:08:39 of foil off. Just tear it off. Just tear it like a... I can't. I can't do it. Yeah, he's going with his teeth now. Daddy does teeth. Right, here you go. Right, got five.

Starting point is 01:08:52 I want your breakdown. Right, what have we got? Best, probably hot spicy. Just the spicy, just the hot sauce. Then after that, I'm going to go with no, extra spicy. Sorry, I meant extra spicy, then the spicy, then... Is this best to worst?

Starting point is 01:09:10 Best to worst. Then garlic, then jalapeno, and then snakebite. So that's my ranking. Extra spicy, spicy, garlic, jalapeno, snakebite. I would put this there. So I'd go for just the spicy as my top. Then I'd go for the garlic. Then the jalapeno. Then, don't you

Starting point is 01:09:28 remember the extra spice? Why is that your favourite? That's the one that tasted of toothpaste. Oh! Well then I stay with yours. Actually then I'll keep with yours. You were wrong. Okay. Fucking get it together, mate. Alright? So. Paul! Don't you talk to me like that.

Starting point is 01:09:43 Don't you talk to me like that. Don't you talk to me like that don't you talk to me like that right don't you talk to me like that Paul you've just I've spilt me hot sauces have you fucking they could have broken

Starting point is 01:09:51 and then you'd have a cleaning bill hello I'm cleaning bill Jimmy Bill Jimmy Bill right one extra sauce overall

Starting point is 01:09:59 not too bad not too bad gimmicky nice lack of carrot I think the fact that it took that long seriously. Some of them are much better than others. And a couple were quite unpleasant. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:10 So not great. I think it was just the heat that I wanted from the extra spicy was why I put it so high. Good value though. Because you could get an imported bottle of like an El Yakuteka. Yeah. And it would cost you a fiver in an overpriced burrito restaurant. Here's the thing though. You don't need.

Starting point is 01:10:24 Yeah. Spend five pounds on five different hot sauces or maybe spend two pounds on one really good sauce. And do that. And do you want to know which one you should buy? Well, that's why you should listen to Cheap Show because we'll tell you the best hot sauces and sauces in general for you to buy for your limited budget. On this sauce segment known as the Sauce Report.

Starting point is 01:10:42 It is the Sources of Segments. Now, we've got a bonus sauce on the source report today, Paul. Another Brucey bonus. I've smuggled this in. And this is an interesting one. It is Indonesian hot sauce. Yeah. What's its profile?

Starting point is 01:10:54 It is... It's Jua Belibis. I will believe this. Tweed Gansom. No, I think that's the brand say it again do you believe this I will believe this right

Starting point is 01:11:14 do you and look it has two little geese on it yeah it's a geese and I think so that even means two geese in the language

Starting point is 01:11:22 or tweeganzen that could mean it says tweeganzen tweeganzen yeah that means two geese I can't think of anything funny the language or tweeganzen that could mean it says tweeganzen tweeganzen yeah that means two geese I can't think of anything funny for that yet tweeganzen must

Starting point is 01:11:29 how many ganzen tweeganzen right that's not funny yeah like gander the goose gander you see what I mean so I think that must be the word for goose there

Starting point is 01:11:37 or it's the name of some detectives from a Norwegian crime drama this is a nice little thing picked it up in a shop what's the hoof

Starting point is 01:11:44 now that's got a proper sort of sriracha-y oh it's quite a roasted smoky Norwegian crime drama. This is a nice little thing. Picked it up in... A shop. What's the hoof? Ooh. Now that's got a proper sort of sriracha-y... Ooh, it's quite a roasted... Smoky. Smoky, roasted kind of thing. Yeah, this is going to be... See, this is going to shit all over in every way.

Starting point is 01:11:54 Do you think it's going to be hot or just flavourful? I think it's going to be both, Paul. I don't know. It doesn't say sort of extra hot or anything, so it probably would just... It's like a...

Starting point is 01:12:02 It's very sriracha-like, isn't it? Ooh, it's spurty there we go it's quite uh gloopy it's got a lot of xanthan gum on it what's that like oh yeah oh that's pure sriracha isn't it i mean there's no heat really oh there's very little heat it's more juicy more it's got no marmy it's nice It's got little sparkle moments of heat. Ultimately, it's much more sweet.

Starting point is 01:12:28 It's much more thick and sweet. And it could be used in a sort of ketchup-y context. Like a chilli ketchup sort of thing. Dip your chips in it.

Starting point is 01:12:33 Ah, that's nice. Tweed Gansan gets Tweed Thumbs Up. Yeah. Right, I need to fucking drink some water because I am sweating from all the parts of me.

Starting point is 01:12:43 And besides, Biffo's episode only ran a certain amount of time, so we can't go over it all. You'll notice on the time thing that it's different, so we've got to move on. We've got to wrap this fucking thing up. Shall I dress up as Max Headroom and you can spank me? Just a thought.

Starting point is 01:12:54 Yes, you can. Okay, I'll go get the mask. I'd like that very, very, very much. Paul, I'll powder my arse and I'll go get the mask. I'll tell you what. If you get excited, issue into this... Sorry, I'm trying to work that in, guys. How's it going? and I'll go get the mask. I'll tell you what. If you get excited, issue into this. I'm trying to work that in, guys.

Starting point is 01:13:08 How's it going? Mate, I'm getting a huge tweed danzen on. Right, and that's Cheap Show, Pirate Cheap Show, Pirate Cheap Show, done for this week. What we're gonna do now is so biffo doesn't know he only lives at the beginning of the end we're gonna put the ending of the episode on on on the end of the episode so it's he won't know we've done the middle bit paul what

Starting point is 01:13:35 do you think they're land geese that are on this uh the twig anson on this uh source well hopefully it's safe to i hope it's safe look listen anyway, before we hand you back to Biffo's Cheap Show, right, we're still fighting our corner, right? We're still... Couldn't you just... You could challenge him to another game of poker and I could rig it again. No, no.

Starting point is 01:13:55 I mean, not that I... Shh. We're just going to carry on like this until he... Because he's never going to find out, will he? He won't know. He never listens. He's just like, oh, brilliant. I've made it.

Starting point is 01:14:04 I pop it up, never watch it again. Doesn't watch it back. It's fine. So, we're going to put the end of his episode on here, so he doesn't know that we've hacked the pod. Because don't you worry, me and Eli, we're always going to be here for you. Don't you worry about that. So, keep supporting us on Cheap Show, at the

Starting point is 01:14:19 Cheap Show pod on Twitter. I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is. And you're going to talk about Patreon? I'm going to do it in a minute. My Twitter is EliSnoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And if you want to continue supporting us on Patreon, you can. I've left it open.

Starting point is 01:14:33 It's patreon.com forward slash CheapShow. There are loads of stuff going up around $2.50 right now. Extra behind-the-scenes footage, extra podcast deleted scenes. Hot vids. Hot vids, baby. Hot vids and the new Cheap Show magazine issue 12, which is absolutely amazing.

Starting point is 01:14:49 Links to buy all that stuff and find out more about Patreon and the magazines and the artwork and the merchandise pages on the Cheap Show that code at UK because Biffo can't get on that yet. I haven't given him the code. And you can go there

Starting point is 01:14:59 if you'd like to see pictures of the food. Stuff you've seen today, yeah. They haven't seen. They've only heard it today. They'll see it once they've heard it on our website. No, they'll hear it and they can look on the website to see it. It's two different senses, Paul. You're conflating.

Starting point is 01:15:12 Yeah, but Biffo's going to want pictures up of the stuff he's put in. Paul, because you've made so many mistakes and just been a bit shit generally this whole episode. Can I just get a clean take? Paul, just one request. Can I just one request? My life's shit and I'm not on bus 4. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:15:27 Chodney Wodney. Chodney Wodney. Chodney Wodney. Chodney Wodney. Now, Paul, can I just get one clean take of my issue into a tissue thing? Please. Oh, hello, sir. What have you got there?

Starting point is 01:15:39 I got excited and I issued into this tissue. Could you dispose of it for me? Thank you. Absolutely not worth it. Right, we're going to hand you back to Cheap Show now. And we'll see you next week. Don't worry. We'll see you.

Starting point is 01:15:52 Shh, but don't tell Biffo. Don't you fucking tell him that we've done this. Again, are you talking to me? I'm talking to them listening right now. I'm saying don't tell Biffo. We've hacked his pod. I won't. I won't.

Starting point is 01:16:02 Why would I? Hack his Chodney pod off. See you next week. I won't. I won't. Why would I? Hack his Chodney pod off. See you next week. Thanks for listening. Thanks. Bye. Bye. And that brings us to the end of yet another Mr Biffo's Cheap Show.

Starting point is 01:16:20 That was lovely. I really enjoyed that. What was your favourite bit? Oh, all of it. You think Biffo's bibliography. Yes, that's always my favourite bit. We'll see you again next week for another cheap show

Starting point is 01:16:32 as owned by, copyright Mr Biffo. Bye. Love you. you

CheapShow - Ep 251: Under New Management

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