CheapShow - Ep 253: Old Faces

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

Special Guest: Paul Putner Every now and then on CheapShow, we like to slow things down and just have a good old chat. This week, we have the opportunity to do just that when we welcome comedian and actor Paul Putner on to the podcast! If you have a favourite tv or comedy radio show, there is a very good chance you know our guest quite well! He bravely joins Paul and Eli to talk about, well, quite a lot of stuff! If you like nostalgia, weird music, rare records, light entertainment and hearing about the trials and tribulations of working in comedy, then this week should tickle your fancy. This episode could just as easily have been called "Three Middle Aged Blokes Talk About Stuff From The Past!" Over the next 90 mins you'll hear about talent shows, canned laughter, library music, double acts, talking budgies, lounge pop revivals, movie magic anecdotes, old games shows and what Gannon's been dreaming about. Which isn't going to be pretty! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-253-old-faces And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid MASSIVE thanks to @Ivenne_NL who does so much for Cheapshow Why not help support Ivenne at her ko-fi! https://ko-fi.com/ivenne Help Support the Kickstarter for Series 2 of Digitiser! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/mrbiffo/digitiser-the-show-level-2 And thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Eli Yes Paul I had a dream about you last night Oh yeah It seems that whenever we're going to do an episode in this studio One of us has an erotic dream about the other Was it erotic? It really was

I wasn't directly involved but I did get an eyeful Hang a lantern on it Bear with me Mr Silverman Okay So for some reason last night I had a dream That we were meant to be doing something for Cheap Show right But you weren't available When I asked your agent

Who was I don't remember what she sounded like, but she did look like the little woman from Beetlejuice who ran the dead. Oh. You know, that little old lady who runs the afterlife office. Who's in the lobby of the afterlife. Yeah, and she's smoking,

and the smoke's coming out of her throat. Oh, yes. Anyway, she looked like that. Anyway, she goes, oh, Eli's in the jungle. And I was like, what's he doing in the jungle? He goes, oh, he's making a film. So then I go out to the jungle, right? Like the rock or something. And I was like, what's he doing in the jungle? He's always making a film. So then I go out to the jungle, right? Like the rock or something.

And I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping in a sleeping bag in the middle of this. Have you seen me yet? Not yet, no. I'm coming. Like crocodiles are like sleeping next to me in this dream. And like one's biting the other. And I'm like, oh, I'm trying to sleep.

Anyway, I make it through this clearing. And there's a hut, right? Just a hut. And there's a few cameramen outside. There's a hut. This is going to be problematic. And I go in. And I swear swear to god you're standing there absolutely naked leg up on a chair like this wanking just just wanking and i'm coming i'm like mate and you're like i'm getting ready for my big shot and i was like and then I woke up and I had the biggest job on.

Oh, my God. That was my dream. Sorry. Telegram for Mr. Freud. Yes. Anyway, joining us this week is our special guest, Mr. Paul Putner. Hello. Hello.

Thank you for joining us. I'm sorry that you had to hear that. No, it's all right. Do you ever have dreams? Maybe it's dreams you get as you become older man um where you're i'm always looking for a public toilet yeah and and i'm always kind of in my pants and and i've got socks and it's and these toilets always these horrible victorian you know with dripping sounds and it's all over the floor all my socks are wet and i go in and there's turds and effluents everywhere.

And I think, well, I can't use... And it's basically your bladder going, no, wake up. You have to go to the toilet. Wake up and take a piss. Yeah, and often

we have to, don't we? Yeah. Or we've missed the boat and we have a little bit of a bedroom accident to deal with. Well, I've never had one of those dreams

but it's classic anxiety dream territory, isn't it? But I have that dream in real life. It's a waking nightmare for me it? But I have that dream in real life. It's a waking nightmare for me. Wait, you have the dream in real life or the incident happening to you within the dream? Whenever I go out, Paul, in London, I'm like, where's the toilet? And there's always like, oh, should I go to the pub or should I buy something

or just go, can I use the loo? And what if they're funny about it or, you know. But then you just go round the bins by the back of a shop. Well, Ben, that was the whole thing with lockdown you suddenly realized as a man in your mid-50s how far can i walk without not having to go into a pub or or sainsbury's to go to the toilet they're all shut apparently public public shitting went through the roof quite literally pililed up to the ceiling. Wait, do we talk about public

as in restrooms or just like in the street, in the woods? No, in the street or in the park. Really? Yeah, because of what Paul's saying. But no one was meant to be out, so why are people out and about

going in the street? Well, you go out for a walk, don't you? No, you were allowed to go for a walk. You're allowed to go for a fucking walk, mate. No, but you weren't allowed to go for a shit. You should at least bring a bag. Yeah, but where are your men of shit? If all the shops are shut

and the pubs are shut, everything's shut, I'm walking down the road. Perhaps I've had some blue tackies. Yeah. Exactly. I've had a bag of blue tackies and I've done the powder.

Now I need to shit turquoise. Right, well, good. Well, with that out of the way, hello, everyone. Oh, God. I thought we were going to get to the credits then. Now, when are you going to tell everyone the big announcement about the podcast?

When are you going to tell them? What big announcement? Shall I? Go on. Okay, everyone. We are going... We're changing. when are you going to tell everyone the big announcement about the podcast? When are you going to tell them? What big announcement? Go on. Okay, everyone, we are going, we're changing. We're now going to be purely Squid Game based podcast. No, we're not. We just talk about Squid Game all day long. Squidpost. Squidpost? Squidpod.

Squidpod. I don't want to talk about Squid. Is that what you, when we had a little chat before the episode, you went, I've got a great idea for the cold open. Was that it? That was it, yeah. It was quite funny. You laughed. Yeah, it Squid Game. Welcome to Cheap Show! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, yes, it's the Economy Comedy Podcast where I, Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman go for the charity shops, bargains, poundlands and beyond to bring you the treasure amongst the trash. Hello, Eli. Yeah, hi. I'm meant to be what?

I'm meant to do what here? Enthusiastic, professional. We've got a guest. I know. We've got a guest. Why don't you let the guest talk instead of fucking picking on me? There's a hierarchy of introductions in a podcast. You don't need to introduce me.

Everyone knows who I am, Paul. Main star first. They know who I am, mate. The main star first introduces the show, me, then the underling, then you, and then our illustrious guest, Mr. Paul Putner. Hello, Mr. Putner. Hello, hello, hello. Eli was asking how he's going to name us because we're both Pauls.

Putner. It's fine. Putner. Putner and Gannon. Putner and... Oi! Rock on, Putner. Putner and Gannon. It does have a ring, doesn't it? Gannon, Putner. Putner and Gannon.

It does have a ring, doesn't it? Gannon and Putner. I've always thought Gannon works well, depending on the surname. I often wonder if they do it, like when they break up, like Cannon and Ball, it just has a ring to it as opposed to Ball and Cannon. Well, it's just what you're used to. But is it like Morecambe and Wise, little and large, Cannon and Ball? Yes, it has a rhythm.

This is the train that goes to the station. Oh, definitely. Yeah, so you've got the close syllables at the beginning, cannon and ball. Yes, it has a rhythm. This is the train that goes to the station. Oh, definitely. Yeah, so you've got the close syllables at the beginning. Mitchell and Webb. Da-da-da-da-da. Oh, I think I've broken the code. That's how you have to be a good double act. You just have to have the right amount of syllables.

Derek and Clive. It's all the same. But you see, Lee and Herring were originally going to be Herring and Lee. That sounds better. But Stuart wanted it as Lee and Herring for some reason. I think he ruined it because I can never remember the name of Herring and Lee. I never remember that. Lee and Herring, sorry.

You see, I got it wrong then. No, here's something. Here's something. Riddle me this. My other half, she's French, and she always says, can you pass me a fork and knife, please? And I say, no. Over here in this country,

we say knife and fork. And she says, well, that doesn't make sense because you put it on the table, forks on the left. Oh, yeah. Fork and knife. Yes, but I hold the knife in my right hand. I always have. Weird.

Yes, but fork and knife then. Yeah. Fork, fork and knife. No, it's knife and fork for me. Unless she was being rude. I'm going fork for me. Unless she was being rude. I'll go left to right. Unless she was being rude and you misheard. Well, she calls, she'll pass me the plate,

and I'll go, that's a bowl. No, it's a plate. Well, it's a dish, but it's definitely a bowl. No, it's a plate. And, God, again, it was this banging our heads together over this. And also, she told me that Marmite is pronounced Mamite. That does make it sound really posh, though, doesn't it? Well, that told me that Marmite is pronounced Mamite. That does make it sound really posh though,

doesn't it? Well, that's what a Marmite is. A Mamite is the pot, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. So she's right, I think there. Although I used to go around

telling everyone it was Bovril. A Bovril was the name of a pot, but I was wrong. It's not, is it? What is Bovril? It's from bovine for beef. It was just a cow. It was a hot meat drink,

wasn't it? Called a Bovril. Yeah, but Bov is from bovine, which means cow. I'm not disagreeing with that fact. I was stating. Say, Eli said something right. Eli said something right that I didn't contest,

and I don't know why you're going on about it. What's the rill from Bovril, then? The Welsh town where it was invented. Horlicks? Yeah. Don't let me go into that. Oh, shit. Captain Peacock.

So, thank you for coming on the show Paul yeah I've wanted you on the show for a while not only because I'm a big fan of your work and all those kind of things that a presenter

should say to a guest but also it's like when you go on your Twitter account and you pull out things from your attic or things you buy in a charity shop I'm just sitting there going your attic is our podcast

yeah you know what I mean it's like you bring out all these board games and weird and rare toys that you've obviously had for a while. Yeah, yeah. I'm a bit like one of those hoarders, I suppose. And my parents have allowed me to hoard as well. Oh, yeah.

And so I just never threw anything away. But I never looked after anything. I think that's the problem. So I've got all these things, but they're all kind of either knackered or broken or scratched. Bits missing, whatever. Bits missing got all these things, but they're all kind of either knackered or broken or scratched. Bits missing, whatever. Bits missing. So it's not like they're worth anything.

I think a couple of things might be. But I just thought I was going through the attic at my parents'. Every time I go back to see my folks, I have to go in the loft and look around, and my dad goes, you're going to come through the ceiling. My mum says the same thing. And I did once as well,

so she was ultimately proven right. Yeah, so there you go. And I always have a nose around in the loft, and yeah. And I just thought, well, it'd be quite fun to take pictures of these things and stick them on Twitter, see if people like it. Yeah, and I do. I think about 18 people have enjoyed it. Yeah, I'm definitely one of them.

But I do enjoy looking at it, because I went to my storage yesterday for all my board games and just tried to sort them out. And I counted them. I had 150 of various sizes. And you've got three around my gaff, which you refuse to take. I know, I know. And I've got four at my mate Joe's place,

which I've said I'd pick up a year ago as well. And I haven't done that as well. And he's got quite a lot of big ones, like the Gladiators ITV board game. Well, right. Yeah, which is pretty good. And the EastEnders board game as well, which I'm really looking forward to playing one day.

That's one of those charity shop mainstays, or it was for a while, like the Neighbours board game. That always pops up. I'd grab that as well, because you may as well. And I like the idea behind that, where you have to build a script for an episode as you go around the board. Oh, it's a bit meta.

Yeah, it's not about actually being, because that would be boring. In Erinsborough. In Erinsborough. Thank you. Erinsborough. Yeah. You're a big galah.

What? You're a big galah. What? You big galah. What does that mean? You're a fucking idiot. Right, well, just call me a fucking idiot from now on, please, so we don't have to play this game.

I'm not playing games with you, mate. As you can see, I'm in my heart waiting, not playing games. I'm just wanking right off into your face. No, you weren't. Can I just say,

in my dream, I wasn't face to nuts. I just want to make it, there was a bit of distance between your activity and my shock reaction. A distance that I was quickly shortening

with my big old gob. I will say this, in the dream you were well endowed. You had to move your elbow more, put it that way, I guess, to put it that way.

So anyway, Paul, so we first met on the set of Shaun the Dead. We did. That's got to be coming up to nearly 20 years ago. That is sobering and terrifying at the same time because the last 20

years of my life have just been seemingly like that. I look back on that time and it doesn't feel that long ago. It doesn't feel that long ago. But then you go, oh, he's done the whole Cornetto trilogy, Scott Pilgrim. He's made all these films since then. He's on the cover of Empire.

Yeah, you know. He's got one coming, hasn't he? Last Night in Soho. What's wrong with that? It just looks derivative. It looks like derivative crap. Of what?

I'm sorry. Of what is derivative of? I'm sorry to burst your fucking bubble. What? I just want to know what it's derivative of. Shallow. Shallow films.

What? You haven't seen it! Oh, can you tell from the trailer? You're like those Ghostbusters fans in 2016 who said it was shit because it had women in. You just can't say it's shallow. I'm not saying that. You are. You haven't seen it. You don't know what it's about. You're going off nothing. Didn't like

Baby Driver. Everyone was going on about that, weren't they? This is not the Edgar Wright criticism podcast. So were you a zombie as well? I was, yeah. I actually got cut, to be fair. Really completely? Well, no, I didn't.

Before I turned into a zombie, I was a cab driver, and I had a scene where Sean Simon Pegg gets in the back of the taxi, and I say something like, I had one of those in the back of my cab the other day. He couldn't understand a word they were saying. So obviously it was the undead that those in the back of my cab the other day. You couldn't understand a word they were saying. So obviously it was the undead that was in the back rather than a stinking foreigner, which is what my cab driver's probably supposed to be,

a bit of one of those. And yeah, but Edgar actually rang me up and said, look, mate, I'm really sorry, but you're in good company because I've just had to cut Pete Bainham's scene as well today. Sorry, but you are in it. You do get to rip off Dylan Moran's head. Okay, yeah. Well, that's very nice of him as a director to let you know.

It was. It was nice because, yeah, I was gutted. But, you know, I'm still in it. There was a lot of things about that movie because when it was getting made, like, for instance, the script was being banded around and I managed to get a copy of the script halfway through the production. So I knew what was coming.

And there were a lot of really interesting scenes cut out just for time and budget. And the one that I always go on about was like when people say, oh, Paul, where were you in Shaun of the Dead? I go, well, it's a bit of a cursed thing because even though I'm one of the background ones, you know, just the general masses,

there was one guy who was the pizza delivery zombie. You know, you see him with the big red cycle helmet and that guy apparently is making trouble or he couldn't come back to the set so all of a sudden that guy was not available

so they just literally I was in the room at the right time I think it was Edgar Wright's brother Oscar turned to me or someone in that

what's his brother doing? Nepotism? Well no his brother was doing the storyboarding for the film because he's a really good graphic artist I don't know God you're bitter today aren't you? Always bitter out I know brother doing? Nepotism? Well, no, his brother was doing the storyboarding for the film because he's a really good graphic artist.

I don't know. God, you're bitter today, aren't you? Always bitter. I know. I'm joking. But there was a scene where later on the pizza

delivery zombie breaks into the pub with everyone else and they get the Winchester out and it was meant to go into the cycle helmet and then blow my whole head off.

So I was looking forward to getting a head cast in the thing and then it just didn't happen. They had to. So I was looking forward to getting a head cast in the thing and then it just didn't happen. They had to cut it because there was too much going on in that pub scene at the end.

You've got to cut stuff even if it's good stuff. That's the point. It's horrible when it happens. I was in Rogue One, is it? What's the... Oh. That's the good one.

Yeah, I know. Tell me about it. The one about the Death Star plans. Every time it comes on the telly, everyone starts talking about it on Twitter and I'm rubbing it in. I've never seen it.

But I did two weeks. I had to keep going to Pinewood. Wow. And to Disney's credit, they did call me and say, look, mate, you've been cut. Wow. Were you speaking? There's your book. Yeah.

And a nice scene. It's quite funny. Was it so it wasn't filmed at all? No, it was filmed. It was there for two weeks, Paul. But what I'm saying is, okay, so was it on deleted scenes? No, it's not even on the Blu-ray. I'm going to have to wait 20 years for whatever format it's going to be.

Before they bring out the 30th edition. Yeah, yeah. The 30th anniversary edition of Rogue One. Because what happened was the director who was making it, it was the, I can't remember his name. He did Monsters, didn't he? Godzilla. And Godzilla, yeah, he did that as well. What's the guy's name? Gareth Edwards. Yes, yes, I can't remember his name. He did Monsters, didn't he? Godzilla. And Godzilla, yeah,

he did that as well. What's the guy's name? Gareth Edwards? Yes, yes, yes, Gareth. Wow, I've heard that from nowhere. He had all, all what he shot, Disney didn't like.

Or a lot of it, they didn't like. Not all of it. And so they brought in someone else and they re-shot over the summer very quickly.

Right. So scenes like with the ones you were in were just lost in that wash then, I guess. Right. So scenes like the ones you were in were just lost in that wash then, I guess. Absolutely. I had another friend who was in it. Tony Way was in it. Okay.

His stuff got cut. That happens a lot, though, with Star Wars films. Didn't Solo get halfway filmed, and then they completely stripped it? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I spoke to one of the special effects guys, and he said the money they spend on these scenes and sequences and films and set pieces

and they would just show it to a test screen and just go, nope. Yeah, that's what blows my mind. It's committee. They're huge tentpole things, so they're made by committee. I've also, before I forget as well, I've got this to give you. Remember last week in the noodle special, I said there was a little pamphlet that came with it with suggestions of how to pimp the noodles and the thing. Oh, the pimpage manual.

I've got to take some pictures of this, but I just thought I'd give you a little look at... Oh, what a crap throw. Thank you. Crap throw, but also did manage to hook it around that cable, so that's quite impressive. Oh, but I can't read this. This is in Japanese.

Yes, but you have, I don't know, a translate app you could translate it with. Oh, that sounds like something I'd need to work at. Yeah, it does. It sounds like you have to put a bit of fucking effort into something. Isn't that terrible? Yeah, it does. It sounds like you have to put a bit of fucking effort into something. Isn't that terrible? Isn't that terrible?

It's terrible. Right, on the show today, we are going to be doing a platters and we're doing a Ganon Golden Games. We've got a kind of theme, theme, threaded through this episode this week. Is it weft? Is there weft? There is a weft of a theme, stitched, like a cross-stitch. There's a cross-stitch, a gold trim in the cross-stitch. A weft. Yeah, there's a stiffed weft of a theme stitched like a cross stitch like there's a cross stitch a gold trim in the cross stitch a stiff weft

yeah there's a stiff weft through my cross stitch nice nice of a I don't know you know what

now that I've said it so often I don't actually there's that much of a weft theme there is no wefting fatigue there's a yeah there's a whiff of a theme

running through this episode and we'll get to it in the fullness of time do you have anything else to bring up do you have a tell us from the dance floor no everyone was really well behaved There's a whiff of a theme running through this episode, and we'll get to it in the fullness of time. Do you have anything else to bring up? Do you have a Tales from the Dance Floor? No, everyone was really well behaved. I've got one, if you want to do it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. From that guy who sent one last time. Oh, yeah, let's have that. Tales from the Dance Floor by Dylan. Dylan, who's emailed last time, and he had that guy who came up to him and wanted to do rapping at the end of the night. Oh, wow. There was that.

So, hello, lads. It was a bit surreal hearing my own stories featured, but I'm glad you enjoyed them. And since writing the first couple of stories, I have another one. Because he has a DJ gig in his local pub. Is that right? I believe so, yeah.

So, I decided the theme of the night would be some cool, mellow soul stuff. So, I crafted my playlist and filled it with the usual suspects, Marvin Gaye, Sam and Dave, Curtis Mayfield, plus many more that just sprung to mind as I played. About 40 minutes into the set, I had a guy come up to my booth and ask,

can you play any 90s? Which is just nice and vague. A typical dance floor request. I don't mind the request too much since I was kind of looking for where to go next. But my set time is about four hours and four hours of the same kind of music can be a bit dull so i was happy to take some direction okay so he's not instantly like you with the just fuck off out of my side well i just when

people say a decade as a genre of music that is not a genre of music and you know what magic mike that's the name of a fucking film that's not a tune no that the name of a film. You can't come up to me and go, play Magic Mike and expect me to know what the fuck you're on about. Maybe they want you to get undressed for them to high energy dance music. I don't know. I could do that.

That's patron to you. My other half, she spoke to this student the other day and she said, well, what sort of music do you like? And she went, radio music. Now that is really generalised. I like that music. Paul, are you okay? Sorry.

He had a bit of an issue. He was drinking. He did a spit take there. No, I did a, I don't know what that was. It was kind of like an implosive spit take where I somehow managed to catch it before it spat into the bottle

and hoovered more drink into my mouth with the suction. So I kind of felt like I was slightly drowning for a minute there. Yeah, vague requests. 80s.

I mean, 90s is slightly better than 80s, I guess. 80s must be one of the most productive decades in human history in terms of producing recorded music. And certainly what variety of styles and genres. Just think how much music was committed to tape in the 80s.

I'm sure a lot. More. More than in previous decades. But less than now? Possibly. No, definitely, because you've got SoundClouds and all those kind of people where you have rappers dropping SoundCloud raps and TikToks.

Yeah, yeah. And they're all doing it. And that stays in the ether. SoundClouds and all those kind of people where you have rappers dropping SoundCloud raps and TikToks. Yeah, yeah. And they're all doing it. And that stays in the ether. I used to get annoyed when they'd have these 80s revival clubs. What, like school disco type stuff? Well, I don't know. You go. But it was never early 80s.

Right. No. It was all the 80s stuff I couldn't stand. So it was like Stock Aiken and Waterman. Yeah, all that crap. Yes. But it got crap, didn't it, the 80s? Because the electro-pop stuff early in the 80s I really liked,

but people, I think, sort of lump that into the 70s. Yeah, the 70s, yeah, yeah. It's true, that whole time of music becomes reasonably nebulous because of the change of the 70s to the 80s. What's the worst year for music in the 80s, do we think? I think 87 or something like that. It's 87, I think. I remember I was watching, you know,

they repeat Top of the Pops on BBC two at random years or whatever yeah and like November something or other 1987 came on and every single track not only on the show but in the top 40 was fucking piss it was all acts you've never heard of or certainly didn't hang around too long after initial hit and it was just the most vanilla, weak kind of music. And very American as well. It got very Americanised in the mid-80s, didn't it? That's when we were completely enraptured

with stateside music. Yeah. That's when, for instance, Jonathan King, who we can forgo the usual topics about talking about him, but he was a big proponent

of bringing that music over because he had his Entertainment USA show and he released a few albums of compilations off the back of that as well to introduce. I've got a novelty record by him where he's basically done a satire record

about Smurfs or something. Do you remember that? Are you saying Jonathan King now? Or Paul Putner? Because when you say that I've got a novelty song by him. I didn't say by him. No, but you went by him. I'm not going to conflate our guest with Jonathan King, the well-known nonce. No, I'm saying you were talking about it, but when you

made eye contact with me and you made a hand gesture, I knew you were talking about Jonathan King. Here's another gesture, Paul. You're reading this? I saw that one. Don't need to see that gesture again. Well, Jonathan King, he had multi-personalities, didn't he? Band names, he was lots of different.

He always had all these alter egos. He was the Piglets, wasn't he? band names he was lots of different well did he always have all these alter egos he was the piglets wasn't he one million tons in a feather or something yes this weird record which is about is it about toys that are toxic there was a news story about toys dolls that had bits of metal in or something yeah he's done like a novelty record it was like a spoof advert as a song or something. He did so much stuff. Hugely prolific, wasn't he? Apparently named 10cc as well. Gave them their name. He gave 10cc their name.

Apparently so. Do you know what 10cc means? Well, allegedly it's how big a spunk load it is or something, isn't it? It's a spunk load. But that's not true, apparently. Isn't it? No. I believe that's an erroneous fact.

Centiliters. Centiceters. Centi... I mean, judging by your dream last night, mate, more than 10cc. true, apparently. Isn't it? No. I believe that's an erroneous fact. Centiliters. Centiceters. Centi... I mean, judging by your dream last night, mate, more than 10cc. I thought he also came up with the

name of Genesis, didn't he, as well? Oh, I don't know that one. He was a big namer. Big name guy. Big name guy. And the other

thing I heard about him, the rumour was that he was behind Who Let the Dogs Out. Oh, God. Promoting it. Does his crime never end?

The Baja Men, what are they called? Yeah, the Baja Men. Who let the dogs out? They're still around. There's not enough songs with dogs in. Do you know how many members the Baja Men are? How many Baja Men are there? Three. Nine. Nine? There's a lot of them. They were like So Solid Crew.

Yeah. Well, you don't need nine members in a band, right? Surely. Well, it depends what kind of band it is. Well, if they're playing instruments, fair enough. But if it's just five people standing in a row, posing and singing. Go woo! Yeah, that's not a band to me.

That's a mob. Blazing squad will be turning in their grave. It's a squad, mate. Probably. At least half of them. Anyway, moving on. So, he goes on to say, my issue was much like least half of them. Anyway, moving on. So he goes on to say,

my issue was much like Mr. Silverman. He's got an issue, has he? The vagueness of the guy's request in just 90s music. So he asks him, is there anything in particular from the 90s you'd like to hear? Just to give me a baseline of what songs he wanted. Bit of Brit pop, alternative, maybe something a bit more electronic.

The man just looked at me with a blank stare, with the blankest stare I've ever seen. The kind of look that if you held it long enough in a hospital, you'd really know. That's you. You're reading bad again. I am also reading bad. Anyway, he goes, I really don't know.

Just some 90s or mid 2000s. So again, I push for something to work with, like an artist or just a song, anything I can work with. And he thinks for a minute and it feels like an eternity. Oh no, don't. And then goes, I don't know, Michael Jackson or something. And then disappeared into the crowd. So there you go. Rotter. So thank you, Dylan, who says shine on.

I thought he was going to stay like the Lighthouse family or something like that. That is the epitome of 90s bland. Yeah. When I used to DJ in the early noughties, it was always, you've got to need your mirror, Kai. You've got club classics. No, I've been asked to play Easy Listening

at a friend's wedding. We're not going to do virtual insanity. No one wants it. No one wants to hear Easy Listening. They all want to hear Kylie and ABBA. Paper Lakes. Was that your specialty, easy listening? Well, I used to play lounge and kind of 60s mod type stuff.

Nice. And all that kind of bit of new wave, but generally loungy, easy listening library music. I used to be part of a club scene, Lenny Beige Regency Rooms. Right. I always used to DJ. That was the sort of lounge revival, wasn't it? Yeah, it was part of that in the mid-90s.

Oh, that's where we got people like Mike Flowers Pops and stuff, didn't we? Yeah, yeah. He used to come down. I love some of that stuff. Did he? Mike Roberts, his real name. What's he up to these days? He's still... I went and saw Mike Flowers Pops a few years ago. They're really, really brilliant night, you know,

because they were great musicians. And yeah, he still, he was very shrewd, Mike Roberts, because what he did was something that someone like Soft Cell, they didn't do, is when he did Wonderwall, was such a big hit, he made sure he'd written The B-Side, which was a track called Son of God on the CD single. So in the old days, whenever you would sell, you would get a royalty,

whereas Mark Armand, of course, didn't because the B-side of Tainted Love... Was another cover. Yeah, Where Did Our Love Go, isn't it? So he got little or no money from the sales. Didn't make a penny. And also completely forgotten. I've never heard that.

Who? You know, Tainted Soft Sales version of Where Did Our Love Go. People used to get writing credits as payola, as a bribe. Really? Yeah. So what do you mean? So someone will have, you know, you'd be a promoter or a DJ or something. Yeah.

And you've got an artist and, you know, they want you to play the record. So as payment, you get your name on the writing credit. Oh, right. Any examples? I can't think of any. Great stuff. Right. I'll tell you what, though.

Since we're on that trip, let's take a quick break and we'll move on to the final selection now. Shall we do that? Yay! Yay! I have no other out. Right, we'll move on to the platters then. Because we've all set up.

We've got our little record player. That's exciting. It's the first time we've ever had a little record player in our little house of Tudor, or whatever it's called. I don't know what we call it. Tudor corridor. The Tudor booth. Tudor booth. A Tudor booth.

Well, it's actually Mock Mock Tudor, isn't it? I guess. Why is it double mock? Well, because it looks like pretending to be Mock Tudor, isn't it? So it's Mock Mock Tudor booth. The Mock Mock Tudor. Pretending to be Mock Tudor, isn't it? So it's Mock Tudor booth. The Mock Mock Tudor booth. The Mock Mock Tudor booth.

Yeah, nice. Actually really like that now I've said it out loud. So we wanted to talk about something very brief to start off. Just very briefly was the death of Alan... Hawkshaw. Hawkshaw, who died as of recording yesterday, was it? Or the day before? A few days ago.

And we've mentioned him on the show in the past because he pops up a lot in Silverman's Platters because when we find these rare, odd vinyl tracks of TV themes or whatever, his name is invariably on a lot of them. Well, he's a huge name, wasn't he, in library music, I think. Yeah, and he wrote Grandstand. Oh.

He wrote Countdown. I didn't know he wrote Countdown. Every time Countdown is played, there's a donation to underprivileged kids who want to learn music. Oh, I did not know that. I learned that off the Twitterverse yesterday. Oh.

So he gifted the royalties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did Grange Hill, of course. Chicken Man, which was also the theme for... Give Us A Clue. Give Us A Clue. That would be such a cognitive... What do they call it?

It would do your head in. It would do your head in if you saw an old episode of Give Us A Clue and they played the Grange Hill theme. And they were running concurrently. Yeah, they were. I just remember almost screaming at the TV, I can't do this, Mum. This is the theme tune to the grain tune.

And then Lionel Blair would come on and you'd really fucking have to bite down. Hang on, sorry, explain. What are you biting down on? My annoyance. What's wrong with Lionel Blair? You've got a real chip on your shoulder today. It's so bizarre.

Do you remember what the theme tune became for Give Us A Clue? It used to go Give us a clue Give us a clue With Lionel Blair And Lisa Goddard Tarbuck

Not Lisa Tarbuck Lisa Goddard Lisa Goddard Give us a clue Give us a clue Yeah. I like that. Who was hosting it?

Michael Aspel used to host it for a while? Yeah, it was Aspel, wasn't it? And then was it Parkinson? I don't know. I quite enjoyed that show, but Blair, you know, I'd be up all night, basically, maybe, you know, imbibing, and then it would come on and be like,

God, I can't take his energy, you know? That's what you don't like about him. Hang on a minute. You were up all night imbibing. That show was over 40 years ago. How old were you? Yeah, right? It was a repeat. Oh, there we go. Oh, he's got over 40 years ago. How old were you? Yeah, right? It was a repeat.

Oh, there we go. Oh, he's got Challenge TV. Used to be stoned at three in the morning getting angry to Lionel Blair on Challenge TV. Wow. What a life you must have led. And then sometimes they'd put on, like, Blankety Blank. Which era?

The Dawson era. Yeah, that's the best era. And I love that stuff. Yeah, I think I was watching one recently with Frank Carson on. And Frank Carson was doing this whole bit throughout his things where he was taking forever to come up with his answers. Right. And Les Dawson was getting visibly annoyed.

And so towards the end of the episode, Frank Carson goes, I've finished! And Les Dawson goes, in this career you have, mate. And then just walks on, carries on with the show. And it was such a little bitchy moment. I was like, that's why we love Les Dawson., in this career you have, mate. And then just walks on, carries on with the show. And it was like such a little bitchy moment. I was like, that's why we love Les Dawson. What a fantastic performer. Because to be fair, like Wogan, they both didn't take the format seriously.

It was just Les Dawson kind of really didn't like the format. Well, and also was, you know, a fantastic comedian. Yeah. Improvisatory comedian. Whereas Wogan, you know, didn't really have the funny chops, did he? No, but he had the genial warmth and charm that you needed. And again, he was kind of a bit

more flippant with it as well. I remember the Christmas one when Les Dawson comes on and they've got a big Christmas tree in the studio with all the gifts underneath. He just comes and goes, those shoeboxes pretending to be presents. I love it. Yeah, he's an expert

in puncturing the pretense. The pretense of it. Because the whole thing about BBC versus ITV game shows was the ITV could spend more money

on prizes, whereas the BBC, due to their remit, weren't allowed to have big prizes on their shows full stop. Certainly up until the mid-80s

when things changed. So knowing that, all the prizes on Blankety Blank was shit. What, the checkbook and pen? Yeah, well, you know, they were comparatively less exciting than ITV. I'd love one of those now. They must be worth... Well, this is it, isn't it?

They probably are very collectible. Is there anything like that in your loft? You got a bully from Bullseye? No, not a Jim will fix it bag. I was going to say, yeah. Nothing like that. I'm trying to think. I'll tell you what I do have. I've got a postcard from 1977 from Nationwide thanking me for my contribution to Richard Stilgoe's section of the show

called Pigeonhole. Okay. I don't remember the Pigeonhole segment. Yeah, it was cool. He used to have a bit where it was like a kind of consumer bit of the show. And he did this thing called Dust Panorama where it was about litter. And I had this idea of talking litter bins that say, feed me, you know, put something in my mouth, all of that. Please move on quick before we take a pee on that.

And you get a free gift for every thousand person puts litter in. I mean, completely impractical. Yeah. And I drew a picture, and yeah, and they put it on the programme. Oh, no, that's on YouTube. No, it's not. I've looked. I even got my mould in the BBC archive to try and find it.

But, I mean, Nationwide was like the one show, wasn't it? It was on every night. Yes. You know what? This is going off on a tangent. I like the theme tuneintum Nationwide. I don't remember that. That's good, isn't it?

Is it like electric guitar and synth or something? Yeah, alright, yeah, got it. That's the one. For me, I think it's... I wonder if Hawkshaw

had any, his finger in that. I don't know. Oh yeah, we meant to be talking about him, weren't we? Sorry, we went off on a tangent

about game shows. So yeah, he passed away recently and we've talked about his stuff on the show before and I just thought it would be nice to just mention him in passing because he has helped. He was brilliant.

Really, really good stuff. There's that video that was doing the rounds on Twitter yesterday where he was doing the Champ live a few years ago in a jazz club. He's a keyboardist, right? That was his instrument. Is that Hammond Organ he's playing? Yeah, he's great Hammond. I saw him a couple of times live for the KPM All Stars, which was like the Keith Mansfield, Hawksworth, Johnny Hawksworth I think was part of it. Yeah, he's great Hammond. I saw him a couple of times live with the KPM All Stars, which was like the Keith Mansfield,

Hawksworth, I think. Johnny Hawksworth, I think, was part of it. All these, but it is a bit of trivia. So that's where I get confused because there's Hawk in both those names and they work together, right?

Yeah, it's Brian Bennett who's the Shadow's drummer, yeah. So this is kind of a thing they got together to make library music to, basically. Bennett did some amazing funk instrumental albums. Sorry, Paul, you were saying you had a factoid.

It is a factoid. It is trivia. Can you tell me who Alan Hawkshaw's daughter is? Oh. Ms. Hawkshaw. Yeah, Lady Hawkshaw. Her name's Kirstie, and she had the hit in the 90s, It's gonna be a fine day today.

Do you remember that one? Yes, I do remember that one. She had a shaved head and had those... Oh, yeah. Balls. Opus 2, was it? Opus 2. Yeah.

That's a little bit out of my... It's dangling on the edge of my memory, but I don't know. You don't remember that? It was everywhere. It was a cover of Edward Barton, who was a weird left-field poet musician. Oh, okay.

And she did a dance version. It's so early 90s, you know, proper candy flip stuff. Okay. All right, okay. You don't remember that song? Not off the top of my head. I mean, I... Perhaps if I sing it for you, Paul.

Please do. Go on. It's going to be a fine day today. It's going to be a fine day tomorrow. It's going to be a fine day tomorrow. It's going to be a fine day today. It's going to be a fine day tomorrow. Yeah, no, it didn't really help, but thank you. Because in my head, I've got...

I will see the sunshine after the rain. I want to see bluebirds over the... What's that one? Exactly, I remember that shit. No one else does. You don't remember that? Take me dancing naked in the rain. Feel it washing over me.

What about sunshine on a rainy day? Make my soul, make my soul. You sure make me feel like loving you. Oh, that's that sample, isn't it? Donna Thingy-Me-Jig from the 80s. Donna what? Serious. The track's called Serious.

Yeah, quite good sort of boogie pop. You know that, I'm every woman. It's all in me. I always used to sing, climb every mountain. You could do that. That's Chaka Khan.

Chaka. Chaka Khan. Chaka. Chaka Khan. Her sister was called Ticka Boom. Really? Yes. See, I don't know,

because sometimes you just say random shit, and I go, yeah, that's all right. Then you're a liar. Who was that one who did Sunshine on a Rainy Day? She was called Zoe, wasn't she? I don't know. There were so many in and out one-hit wonders. Sibyl, wasn't it?

Yeah. Another one, and Sholorama. Yeah. Oh, I know her personally. Do you? Yes. What did she do? She's a very good friend of my sister's.

Oh. Lived where I lived in Kilburn. What did she do? She's a very good friend of my sister's. Oh. Lived where I lived in Kilburn. What did she do? What was the song? She did a cover of the Randy Crawford song You Might Need Somebody. You might need somebody

That. Yeah. I'm gonna need somebody That one. This is a lovely sing song. I will say that. I'm enjoying this. We don't need the records,

do we? Yeah, we don't. So what did you We've got records. We've got records, don't we? We've got some records. So what did you want to play for us. We've got records, don't we? We've got some records. So what did you want to play for us today? Well, I didn't...

I mean, it's not all music. No, that's great. It's got a few things. Ooh. What is that? Lofts Dance Party. Lofts Dance Party and fun. So tell us a little bit about Lofts.

Lofts. Or Lofts. Well, he's a... I can't remember his name. Jeanne Carlson. Scandinavian. Swedish. He was a comedian, actor, and skilled drummer.

And he did loads of stuff. He was in movies and sitcoms, and he had this band. And they're pretty funky. Now, this track I'd like you to play is called Viruka i Hashish Ha'ai Panzas. I don't know if that's open to any Swedish listeners to the podcast. Hashish, I think. It's something about you don't have to smoke gear, basically, to have fun.

Oh, I quietly disagree, but we'll move on. But I love the back cover. Oh, I love it. Paul, are you okay? You're saying you have to smoke weed to have fun No, I'm saying I mean, do we need to talk about this? No

Well, that's what you kind of said Because I'm worried, you know Track three, side two I'll tell you who translated it for me This is a big name drop The title Nicholas Lindhurst Really? Of all the people? Well, he's from Swedish stock Name drop. The title. Go on. Nicholas Lindhurst.

Really? Of all the people? Well, he's from Swedish stock. Oh. So he can speak Swedish. Oh. You're going to need to take the other platter off the table. I know, I know. Do you need a hand, Paul?

No, I've just got to get the right side. Do you want to go smoke some weed and make it more fun? Make this fun. Maybe you'd like to shoot up, perhaps. Yes. Perhaps you'd like to... I'm getting to the point where I wish I fucking could. Chase the dragon. Make this fun. Maybe you'd like to shoot up, perhaps. Yes. Perhaps you'd like to... I'm getting to the point where I wish I fucking could. Chase the dragon.

Chase your dragon. You'll chase my dragon. Yeah. Shut up. I don't know. As in what? As in you'll do what? I'll find you in the jungle and toss you off.

Now, the cover of this record, he's got some stuff on his face, doesn't he? You have a look at the... Has he got a cake on his head? Now, the Del Arsehole thing on the back, ignore that. Del Arsehole is on the back. Yeah. Well, that was for a sketch where we...

It was on the front of the album originally, and it was an album called... The guy was coming into the shop and mispronounced Del Arsehole. Oh, right. Have you got any Del Arsehole? I've never seen anything by this guy. Vi gör vår världsnyggt som vår kung vill ha den För land och rike vill vi gärna stas Vi ordnar yngre fester där vi älskar Sånt sköter vi när ingen annan hör

Vi låter ej vårt hår bli långt och smutsigt What's he got on his head, man? It's really disturbing. But it's egg and what's this up at the top? It's like tomato bits or something. Oh, it is a tomato. Oh, that's nasty. He's got egg and tomato on his face. He's got tomato seeds on his forehead.

This is bizarre. ¶¶ ¶¶ So there we go, a little snippet of that. That was lovely. Yeah, really nice. So he was mostly known as a comedian actor, primarily. I mean, I gather in Sweden, yeah, that is what he was known as. But he obviously had this, I don't know, maybe he was like Matt Berry or something like that. Yeah, because I was going to say, just based on the little bit we heard and the track we also heard on side two, which was the Sesame Street theme, a lot of different styles.

And it wasn't like it was just one type of, like, for instance, when we did the Roy J album, he was basically trying to become a soul singer for the whole of that album because of the songs he was making. Whereas this seems a little bit more eclectic across the board in terms of stuff you can have fun. And in fact, on the track listing on the back, he's given you a little bit more eclectic across the board in terms of stuff you can have fun. And in fact, on the track listing on the back, he's given you a little guide to the genre.

So, Tati Bow Bow. That's brilliant. Tati Bow Bow. Bow Bow. Bow Wow. Bow Wow. Sorry. Tati Bow Wow. Yes, Tati Bow Wow. So it was Ken Dodd's dog that we were talking about. It's a song about Ken Dodd's dog.

Strangers in the Night, Beat Ballad. See, now I just want to hear the rest of this album. I genuinely do. Jazz Standard, Swing Beat. That was the Sesame Street theme in the Swing Beat style. I liked that a lot. Works surprisingly well. Pop Dixie, Pop Funky.

There's one that's Pop Funky. What's Pop Dixie? What would Pop Dixie be? It's Dixie Pop, isn't it? Come on. Just change the order of the words and then tell me I'm wrong. It's Dixieland with a pop feel. So what, can I ragtime-y?

Yeah. Dixie. You know, it's on Philip Sousa and all of that. Oh, okay. On a steamboat going up the Mississippi music, isn't it? Right, okay. All right, got it. Now I understand.

Thank you, Paul. Not just going, I'll park you out fucking laughing. He knows nothing. I do know nothing, but unfortunately I right, got it. Now I understand. Thank you, Paul, not just going, I'll park you out, fucking off it. He knows nothing. I do know nothing, but unfortunately I'm willing to learn. Oh, I'll teach you. You're not going to teach me anything other than how to wank in a jungle, so we're going to move on from that.

So why did you want to bring that along today? What is it about that that you really like? I just, it was one of these, yeah, I found it in a charity shop. It's really unusual when you go to the record section in a Sue Ryder and then you suddenly see, obviously, someone's record collection. And it's just a load of Israeli albums or a lot of... There's a lot of Barbra Streisand that ends up getting thrown out.

Yeah, or German albums, artists. James Last, tons of those. I love that when you can see and you try to read into sort of their personality when you see, yeah, you think there's obviously from the same person's collection. Which reminds me. A dead person's collection. A dead person's collection. Well, that reminded me of the point I was going to make, actually.

So I went to Pinner to go around the charity shops there because there's a great St. Luke's charity shop there that sells random crazy shit. It's one of those charity shops I like that remind you more of someone's attic than a shop. Yeah. And I bought this album called 50 Years of the BBC. It was like, what was that British actor with the moustache, big guy?

It was like Leo... McCurn? Yeah, Leo McCurn narrates the history of the BBC for the first 50 years with clips thrown in like GED and the Queen's coronation. Rob Paul's The Bailey, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And in the top corner on this album, to the BBC for the first 50 years with clips thrown in like the E.D. and the Queen's coronation. Rob Paul's The Bailey, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

And in the top corner on this album I noticed a little stick of who it belonged to. Bob Holness. And I was like, it can't be the same Bob Holness. But it turned out, yeah,

it was Bob Holness because he lived in Pinner. That's nice. And it had his address and his number of whatever year he bought the album in the 70s. Nice. So it was out of,

it was like he was listing his, you know, people used to sort of, what do they the album in the 70s. Nice. So it was out of, it was like he was listing his, you know, people used to sort of, what did they do? Catalogue their own collection. He just had a little, very professional little sticker

on the corner that said Bob Holness. And it was numbered, was it? No, just Bob Holness, his address and his phone number for some strange reason.

Call him up and say, I got your record, Bob. No, he's dead, isn't he? That's one of the problems with returning things to people. Call him up anyway. I've got your record, Bob, and perhaps we'll get through to the afterlife.

It's always sad when you see signed stuff in charity shops. You think, what a journey that's been on. Yeah. I bought a 12-inch a while back, signed by all the members of the Inspiral Carpets. That slipped the life. Wow. And it's not even like one of the records you remember.

So it was obviously when they were kind of on their uppers. Yeah. But you think someone must have met them and had that signed. Carried it with them. Why would you just give it to a charity shop? I mean, I found a book, the Meaning of Life book, signed with a personalized message by Michael Palin. Really?

Yeah, saying make sure this book doesn't fall into the wrong hands, Michael Palin, from whenever the book came out. Well, it has fallen into the wrong hands. The Meaning of Life or Lyft, the Meaning of Lyft. No, the Meaning of Life book. I know. It's a hard back. I don't think so. No, it was a film tie-in book when Meaning of Life.

Oh, for Python. For Python. Okay, I've got it. Sorry, I wasn't very clear. I've got a hardback edition of it. Yeah, no, I've got the softback one. Why did he get rid of it then? Well, maybe because he's burning comedy history away for some straight.

I don't know. Can I just mention this? Loft's got a fucking mess on his face on the cover of this. It's foam. He's got, like, tomatoes. The seeds are all coming down. There's a little bubble of fucking spit coming out his lips. He's got egg.

And he's got all nasty, creamy stuff. But isn't that good, though? Shows he has a lack of vanity and he's a fun-time guy. I don't know. You know that up-the-arse corner in Viz comic? Yeah. Yeah. There's definitely something going on here. He's molesting a lady in black and white on the back as well.

Oh, but there's some other albums on the back here which show him in a bit more of a kind of... Oh, no. Is he doing Loftus Glen Miller and Loftus Pop and Party? Paul. Latin America. Can you say something for me? Yes.

In a French accent. Go on. Happiness in the household. Happiness in the household. Happiness in the asshole. I mean, that's what you wanted me to say. That's what I want. That's what I want from you. The problem is, you know, if you just said, Paul, will you say a penis in the asshole?

I would just also say that. All right, next. All right, wonderful. I'm going to give that actually four. That's it. Four. I like that a lot. And I definitely will be picking up

anything I see by him if I see something in the charity shop. Right, because that looks really fun. The music's pretty good, and they're having some kind of studio party. Perhaps that's when he's bumming her. Right, shall we move on then? Oh. Oh, yeah. I love these kind of records.

I've spotted it. Talking Budgie Regards with Philip Marsden. It's a budgie training record. Oh mate. Have I told that story in the podcast before about my mate who had a Budgie called

I told you it didn't I recently. I'll make it really brief. A mate of mine had a Budgie. He called it what did he call it Twinkle or something. I can't fucking remember now.

And it was he was trying to make it talk so for like a year straight my mate would just talk to his Budgie and say say Twinkle say Twinkle

Twinkle say Twinkle and then he left, twinkle, say twinkle. And then he left the cassette overnight playing on a loop. That would have his voice saying, say twinkle, twinkle. Anyway, I go over to his one weekend for a stayover. We're sitting in the kitchen, you know, having breakfast in the morning. And all of a sudden from the cage, we hear the bird go, twinkle, flutter, and then die and just fall off the perch.

And it died right there and then. And I think it was just too much for him. The kind of weird kind of Gulf War torture tactics it was under at the time. So Philip Marsden. Although budgerigars are native to Australia, they have been domesticated in many countries for well over a century.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I didn't know that in America they're known as parakeets. I actually didn't know they were one and the same thing. I did not know that either, because you get a load of parakeets, don't you, in parks in London now. Squawking, flying around. The little green budgerigar was discovered by Philip Marsden

in the BBC Cage Words contest in 1958. Now, what is this record? Is this a record of talking budgerigars, or is it to train them to speak? It's to train them and there's a bit of... Just listen to the opening. Alright, let's listen to the opening. For that is why we are here. It's quite interesting really and as it says on the

back cover, which I thought was astonishing because I thought, nah, shut up. They're saying that it is not faked. This is the voice of this budgie. So they are proclaiming that nothing you hear on the album has been... Has been, like, done on us. So they're using a budgie to teach your budgie to speak.

Yeah. Because why? It's easier for them to pick it up if a budgie's saying it. I don't get that. But it's actually mildly terrifying as well. They call me pretty spooky. I'm just a little bad. But I can talk and shout out all the day.

Mastery pie, please, he can't be heard. I'm a clever little budgie, aren't I? Thanks. Was that nice? That was the voice of my old friend Sparky Williams, undisputed talking champion of the budgie world, and I can't imagine we'll ever see his like again. You'll hear him often in this recording, not only to entertain an interest, but also to demonstrate just what a bird can do when he's been properly trained and cared for. Not all birds are as capable as this, and not many owners either, but the system behind the training is no secret, and side two of this record will describe it in detail. On side one, I hope to tell you enough about the Badgerigar

to provide at least a basic understanding of his capabilities and needs, because it's only through understanding that one can really come to terms with another creature, be it human, animal, bird, or even fish. Few birds have been more closely studied than the Melopsiticus undulatus, that's his scientific title, and consequently we are no strangers to his makeup. We do know what makes him tick, both physically and psychologically, and since he's basically such a simple and

straightforward little character, you don't have to be a genius to understand him. You don't need an academic turn of mind to be able to train him and teach him to talk. And you don't need to be a vet to keep him healthy and happy. Three things you do need are love, patience, and a little practical knowledge of the essential needs of this lively little creature whose life is literally in your hands. The fact that you're listening to this record, I think, suggests that you're already well equipped with the first two requirements. And that being so, it's a real pleasure to me to be able to offer you the third. And there's something slightly sinister about his voice as well. What it sounds like when you play the budgie

is when you hear tapes of ghosts talking. You know when you hear the, oh, I went to an old church and I recorded this voice. And it's like, that budgie sounds like an EVP. I thought it was one of those very early vocoders. But I went on YouTube and thought, no, I'm not having this, and looked up Talking Budgies.

Now with contemporary clips. And yeah, it's for real. Because that first sentence that budgie regard said was quite long and complicated. It's not like he was just doing a bell impression. No, no. It was like a full sentence with inflection. Diction.

Yeah. That's why I was kind of like, that's fake, right? It just sounds like his wife talking through a toilet roll. Yeah, but no, apparently I've listened to contemporary budgies and they all have that similar sort of voice. I don't know why you'd want that. They're not as good at talking as parrots, though, are they? Well, no.

Or minor birds? No. Or major birds? Poor. Fable the Raven. I don't care. There's this raven I watch on YouTube, Fable. He's got his own channel. And the trainer has set up a video camera in the hutch where Fable lives.

And they've got this footage of Fable practicing talking. It's really crazy stuff. What, is it the bear just in the background with a glass of water going, me, me, me, me, blah, blah, blah? It's modulating the tone and sort of playing with the tone. So it's like, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. It's like Apex Twin or something, you know? I guess that's what, like, impressionists do, though, when they're trying to get their

voice right for whatever. Modulating it, yeah. They're always trying to find the pitch and they're staring and they're looking at their mouth and things. So, yeah. Love a corvid, me. A what? A corvid.

A corvid? What kind of birds are that? Black birdbird crows ravens oh right the whole the whole genus any type i like i like a corvid yeah but that is a peculiar record because it's it's sort of showing off this talking budgie and sort of uh teasing you trying to get you to listen to the whole thing to teach you how to train your budgie but i'm sure records exist that i'd literally just play this while you're asleep and the budgie will

you know and you hear those stories of like parrots who help solve crime because for some reason they repeat oh yeah

I can't remember the details but there was a story about a murder that happened and the case was solved because a parrot happened

to repeat it was him yeah it was him well judging by this album it said it is Philip Marsden of

223 Smith Street in Harrow. It'd be like, it's the whole fucking address. An attitude problem. The whole thing, it says on here, Sparky will sing Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Jack Horner, Jack and Jill, Hey Diddle Diddle, They Call Me Pretty Sparkle,

Two Little Dickie Birds, and Stay Away to Heaven. Has he got any 90s, though? No, he hasn't got any 90s. No, I'm wrong. It says Sunshine After the Rain. So, yeah, that is him. You sure do. any 90s though no he hasn't got any 90s no I'm wrong it says sunshine after the rain so yeah that is in there you sure do

it reminds me as well of that program animal crackers no what was it called it was called Johnny Morris

it was called pet emergency pet rescue no animal pet vicious attack it was called

pet therapy or something and it was like three little short films about different pets that had different problems. And there was one that was a parrot and the man had died. There was an old married couple and the husband had died. Yeah.

And the parrot was grieving, basically. Yeah. And, you know, was stressing out, pulling its feathers out. And the wife was like saying, yeah, it's really, it's bad because I can just, I can hear Graham's voice from the other room, like through the parrot, you like saying yeah it's really it's bad because i can just i can hear graham's voice from the other room like through the parrot you know because it's been in the family for years it doesn't know it's effectively it's like i can hear my dead husband talking like you know that's crazy and there was a there was a rabbit that you had to change the nappy on well there was new information brought to the, and I want to know why rabbits weren't a nappy.

Because it had some problem, big problem. The rabbit had a big problem, and the woman was devoted to it and had to change its nappy, and I just thought, come on, you've got to give up on the rabbit, you know? What would you do with it? Just cave its head in with a rammer? No. I would go to the vet and say,

could you please put my rabbit down, because I don't want to deal with nappies. It's not a quality of life if the rabbit wasn't great. Well, you don't know, could you please put my rabbit down because I don't want to deal with nappies. It's not a quality of life for the rabbit, wasn't great. You don't know, do you? Maybe he liked the nappy. I'm sure he liked the attention, but anyway. Would you like to wear a nappy for the attention? Yeah, I

do. Saturday night. Yeah, Saturday night. Kilburn. It's the nappy DJ. He's on. He comes halfway through his set, he leans down and goes, I need a wipe wipe. Someone from the audience comes up and changes him while you're playing something from the 90s. Is this another one of your dreams?

Yeah. All right, well, I'll tell you what. We're going to take a break and we're going to come back and talk about the main feature today. So looking forward to that. I am. Right, the finale of the show i've decided we're going to scrap the board game part of the thing because it's just going to be into time but it does give us plenty of opportunity to talk about

the subject the board game is based on so a few uh actually a year ago now i went to a charity shop in archway and found uh this board game new faces the game by palatoy which were am i right in thinking they were they they're the ones who sold the star wars figures action man it was action man yeah oh i thought they were in charge of the branding of star wars in the uk because kenner sold it in america in the uk it was on the palatoy i don't know but it's more likely you're right with the action man thing and this is a board game based on the Palatine. I don't know. But it's more likely you're right with the Action Man thing. And this is a board game based on the successful talent show

New Faces which I believe was an ITV show or ATV. So it would be you have different regional stations you know

Grundy Anglia Argos I don't know why I said Argos. Southern LWT Thames

Thames Granada is what I went to say not Argos was Grundy was Grundy won no they were that was Australian

that's Australian they made they made Nibas look at my underpants what I love about the board game is the wonderful bleached

colour it's all bleached out on the edge I love that that has been in someone's window for a long time that really does

that really does tickle the old nostalgia button doesn't it when it's ble tickle the old nostalgia button, doesn't it? When it's bleached out, the old colours, old sun bleached. I love my favourite bleached out things have to be photographs of celebrities in fortune teller windows. On seaside fronts. It's always that kind of turquoise. There's always a picture of some old lady with mysticism and beads hanging off and then a picture

of Dennis Waterman on her shoulder. It's that kind of thing. I love Chinese restaurants that have faded photographs of the food. Of the menus and things like that. Or just the pictures of the food themselves. Pictures of the food. Why are you looking at me angry? I was asking a pertinent question.

Why would it be a picture of a menu? I thought the venue had faded. It might have but we're talking about oh so this is and on the box you've got now here's the thing i didn't know right so on the box you've got a picture of the host which i believe looking at this is a garrett called derrick hobson derrick hobson yeah who was a reasonably well-known tv presenter and radio personality or something at the time something like that yeah and then there's a guy in a flat cap a cartoon guy i like him was that the logo was that like yeah he's supposed to be this sort of everyman commoner right become famous and wearing a snazzy suit and a guitar and but also he's got a sort of flat cap on as well.

It looks to me like a Bob Godfrey animation who did Rhubarb and Custard. Yes, Henry's cat. Yeah, all those things. The style of it definitely looks like a Bob Godfrey. They were great, those Bob Godfrey. He used to do OTT, the Tiz Was Adult version, didn't he? Yeah.

And used to do all the kind of... Interstitials in between. Yes, and sexy lessons cartoon. Was there a Tiz Was adult version, didn't he? Yeah. And used to do all the kind of... Interstitials in between. Yes, and sexy lessons cartoon. Was there a Tiz Was blue? Yeah. There was a Tiz Was midnight blue. Yeah, it was called OTT. It used to be on LWT, was it?

Yeah. Chris Tarrant. Alexis Sale was on it. He pops up everywhere, Sale, doesn't he? Because we were talking about his YouTube cycling channel. Yeah. No, he was in it. It was Sally James, Chris Tarrant.

And it was basically... Tiz was swearing. Tiz was... Was he like, fuck? No, it wasn't. It was loads of boobs and bums. Lenny Henry was on it as well. Lenny Henry.

All the Tiz was locked. Yeah. And it was just... Yeah, it was just a kind of... Apart from spit the dog, he was not allowed. Because they knew what he got up to at late night. Spit the dog. Roast the dog.

Is that really what you had to offer? That's what I've got. I've got loads of these. You've got Bob Carroll news at one end and Chris Tarrant at the other and they're both using spit the dog like a finger trap for dicks. Is that what you're kind of getting at?

What was that monkey ad? What monkey ad? The monkey when I ate that duck. No, that's a different... I'm still thinking about Keith Harris. Imagine him at the front, no. What do you mean? Sorry.

During a sex act, I have to imagine Keith Harris. I don't think I ever saw new faces. The first one of those that I remember is Stars in Their Eyes. But that's different, isn't it? Stars in Their Eyes was. Karaoke, wasn't it? Basically. Yeah, Stars in Their Eyes is karaoke,

but New Faces was actually like X Factor or something, a proper talent. Very much of its time. It was also Opportunity Knocks, which we'll talk about a bit later, but I do remember New Faces, but I remember the Marty Cain era, where they had Spaghetti Junction,

the lights that would go up the board for who was the best actor of the night, and you would say, hit your buttons now! And did they have a panel of celebrity guests? Well, they did revive it in the late 80s, because it was an early mid-70s show.

With Nina Mishkoff, didn't they? I remember. That was the 80s one. I think the Marty Kane one was the 80s refresh. Because she won it and then went on to present it. Oh, I see. Because it was done in a theatre rather than in a studio. And that's the weird thing. It's like, people go, oh, Britain's went on to present it. Oh, I see. Because it was done in a theatre rather than in a studio. And that's the weird thing. It's like people go, oh, Britain's Got Talent reinvented it.

It's like it's kind of exactly the same as New Faces. You get a panel of judges and one of them's a dickhead. Yeah. The only difference is that Simon Cowell was a dickhead that made millions off the back of other people's misery and Nina Mishka was just a miserable woman who everyone hated and didn't get really anything out of it. Really, that's what came down to it.

Well, in the 70s version, it was one of the panelists, you know, you'd have people like Arthur Askey and it was Tony Hatch. Tony Hatch. He was the kind of the precursor of Nasty Nigel and Simon Cowell. He was horrible on it. Tony Hatch was a composer and a songwriter and theme tune. He did Crossroads, Neighbours, Man Alive. Wasn't he the head of Water Rats as well?

The Grand Water Rats. Yes, that did come up somewhere. Some kind of Masonic entertainment charity organisation. Something like that. He was married to Jackie Trent, who had a big hit in the 60s with Where Are You Now? Yeah, a talented guy. He was quite ruthless

though. Same with Mickey Most who used to be a panelist as well. He could be quite harsh. I really want to check this out. It says here. I've never seen Mickey Most or Tony Hatchman. I'd like to see them in action. You know their work but not their... Well, Mickey Most was in

he did like Rod Stewart yeah he's a producer he was a big producer and he had his studio down in St John's Wood yeah so

talent show it began in I'm obviously just using Wikipedia at this point because I wanted to get the facts right it started in 1973

and ran till 78 and then was revived for Central TV in 86 and ran till 88 the judges that they for Central TV in 86 and ran till 88 the judges that they had over the course of those shows were Tony Hatch

Mickey Most Arthur Askey Ted Ray I don't know the name of Ed Stewart is that Ed Stewart Stewart yeah

Ted Ray he was a comedian Ray's a laugh oh right that guy yeah he was in one with Petula Clark what was that show

on the radio? Anyway, him. Alan Freeman. Not off. Not off. Yeah, he was great.

Lonnie Donegan. Lionel Blair. Ingrid Pitt. Lonnie Donegan. Yeah, Lonnie Donegan. Ingrid Pitt. He was like,

two very strange choices. Lonnie Donegan. Rock on the line. Rock on the line. Yes.

I believe it. He's my old man. Did I know? Who did Rock on the line? Did on the lane. Yes. I believe it. It's my old man, did I spend years? He was. No, I'm thinking, who did Rock on the lane?

Did Lonnie Donegan do things that ain't what they used to be? This is not the Lonnie Donegan memorial show. Who did Rock on the lane? Don't stop saying it. I don't know what you're saying. Cypress Hill?

No. You know, the skiffle. Yeah, no, I know what you mean, but I can't remember the top name. It's like the precursor to British rock and roll. Yeah. Rock on the lane. It what you mean, but I can't remember the top of my head. It's like the precursor to British rock and roll. Yeah. Rockin' the line.

It's all mine, all mine. Rockin' the line is all mine. Who else? Terry Wogan and Noel Edmonds. Mate, if I was on a show, New Faces, and Noel Edmonds was judging me, I'd walk out and say, not having you judge me, mate. You really can't. How dare you fucking judge me?

How dare you? It wouldn't go very well. So Hatch was a bit of an arsehole. That is a bit disappointing because I kind of admire his thinking. He might have been firm. Yeah, that's a thing. And you look at the winners of like, the famous winners of New Faces and it

reads as a who's who of light entertainment of the 70s and 80s. So you've got Marty Kane, Lenny Henry, Michael Barrymore was discovered on it, Joe Pasquale. The Chuckle Brothers started on that in 74. Back then they were called Paul and Barry Herman. I know there's not much to get out of that.

I don't know why I let that hang like it was some revelation when actually it's just their surname. So you saw the Chuckle Brothers when they appeared on the show? No, no. I looked up who had won it and I was very surprised to see the Chuckle Brothers. Not all winners.

Some had just appeared and didn't really get to... There used to be rounds and people would go on to the finale and the finale wouldn't... Blah, blah, blah. Roger de Courcy, Victoria Wood,

Mick Miller, Les Dennis, Shawadi Wadi, Patti Boulay. I remember her. She got the maximum 120 points. That's why they pointed her out. Sweet Sensation from Manchester

fronted by 15-year-old Marcel King, who went on to become the first British-born soul band to hit the number one spot in the UK charts with Sad Sweet Dreamer. Ah, I've got one by them, which is Tony Hatch written. Really? Mr. Cool.

So do you think they won this? Is it Mr. Cool? It's quite funky. It's like a Brit disco thing. I don't know. Written by Tony Hatch. Maybe Hatch liked them, took them on after the show. And then Chubby Brown and Paul Zenon, the magician.

So this is the board game anyway. The board game is interesting. I like the artwork on it. It's nice, vibrant colours, nice cartoon illustrations of the audience. Very 70s. It's very 70s. If you look at the groups of people, the cartoons, it's Mrs. Slocum, Michael Burke, William Woolard, Cilla Black. Look at the groups of people, the cartoons. Yeah. It's Mrs. Slocum. Yeah.

Michael Burke, William Woolard, Cilla Black. Graham Gordon, I think, in the middle. Sally Thompson. Yeah. I can recognise Cilla Black, yeah. What, that one? Yeah. That's Cilla, isn't it?

Laura, Laura laughs. Yeah. And Greta Thunberg. Yeah. So you're on the outside ring and you've got to collect. Greta Thunberg gets everywhere, back in time. It's funny because the outside ring and you've got to collect. That Thumbberg gets everywhere. Back in time. It's funny because the outside ring, there's three rings, right?

On the outside ring, you go around until you collect your act because you have to pick an act to be. Magician, musician, comedian, mime artist. Is that a thing? Do you know why? Because a mime artist did win New Faces one year. Why? By doing it, being in a wind tunnel.

By holding a suitcase in a wind tunnel. It's that kind of thing. Then, if you collect enough of your points, you go to the middle ring, which is the actual New Faces game, and that's when you

bring out this thing, which is an audience meter that you spin. Oh, I like that as well. They're either yawning or applauding, so you win points based on if the audience

likes it. She was yawning. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Is she yawning? Is she opening? Is she yawning? Well, I don't it. She was yawning. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Is she yawning? Is she opening? Is she yawning? Well, I don't know. It's flipping back.

It's an equilibrium between applauding and yawning. Why isn't it stopping yet? This is really haunting. So she's tired but enjoying it. Yeah. It's still moving. It looks like she's putting something in her gob.

I think it's the ghost of Marty Cain who's making it happen. Is she dead, Marty Cain? Yeah, sadly she did die. Died very young. But yeah, she was a genuine talent that died way too soon.

And then the inside ring is when you've won new faces. You go on the career path and it's like bad night at a casino, income tax, pay your agent

£1,000. And then if you perform at the holiday summer show, you get £1,000 for that. £5,000 if you perform for the Prince of Wales. I guess it's different from something like X Factor or

Britain's Got Talent in that it was in a whole world of light entertainment and variety that still sort of existed. Do you see what I mean? It fitted into that world whereas Britain's Got Talent is in a sort of vacuum. There's no sort of structure anymore that it could fit into. Yeah, whereas Britain's Got Talent is in a sort of vacuum. There's no sort of structure anymore that it could fit into. Yeah, and it's also half the people you just know

are established European acts. And you think, well, so it's not like New Faces because these people are clearly professionals and they're not even from Britain. Well, I was always confused about the winner of the first series of Britain's Got Talent was a dog, which doesn't say a lot about the talent in this fucking country if a dog wins it.

Bringing dogs over here. That's why we voted Brexit to stop dogs winning Britain's Got Talent. Yeah, yeah. It's an Alsatian. It's in the bloody breed. But what these shows like New Faces and Opportunity Knocks did was they democratised the talent that you could get on screen because

there still was that sense of to be on TV, you had to have that received pronunciation. You still had to go through all the proper channels and the posh schools and the... But now with New Faces, it was like people from the far corners of the UK. Lenny Henry, who was, you know, Birmingham, wasn't it? Yeah, so...

You don't get many Birmingham accents. More working class, regional, that type of thing. People could get through. That's good. And do we think Lenny Henry is the most famous winner? Yes and no because it's like On new faces

I suspect he is isn't he? In terms of like his legacy and his standing in his career yes he's obviously the most successful but like it took him a while

I think off the back of new faces to really cement himself whereas a lot of these kind of shot up hovered high and then dropped off into nowhere Yeah he had longevity

in his career. So he just fucking worked. And Victoria Wood, of course. Yeah, Victoria Wood. The interesting thing is that when you look at what we're going to talk about now, the albums and stuff like that, is like, tastes don't change. Audiences would still rather have a singer win a talent show than a comedian or a pantomime thing.

Because if you sing a sad song, you're guaranteed a round of applause and everyone goes, oh, can't they sing a sad song? Well, so this album that I got of Opportunity Knocks. It's all ballads. It's like 80% ballads. And then one band called Airborne, which is doing some weird Beatles knockoff-y kind of thing. That's a bit farty, isn't it? Yeah.

And they're kind of doing this kind of. Do they do Steamy Windows? No, they don't do Steamy Windows. Airborne. Yeah, I know. I know you're a fan of the Steamy Windows fart gag from last week. Watch out, it's Airborne. Yeah, I know. I know you're a very fan of the steamy windows fart gag from last week. Watch out, it's airborne. So we still like it.

Britain's Got Talent and X Factor still every year give us a big ballad. And also, they've kept up the tradition of having these novelty acts, because in the 70s, we had people like Tony Holland, I think his name was, he used to do the musical Muscle Man. Oh, that. And he'd move his deltoids and his... Oh, yeah, dancing deltoids. And they'd all flip around and he'd make a cavity appear in his tummy.

Bob the Tray Blackman. Is he the guy who just hit himself with a tray? Smash his head with a tray. Bob the Tray? Yeah, you'd get a tray. You know, you'd have served in a bar when you get on the side of the bar and he'd be smashing his head. I remember smashing my head and there must have been all these kids getting aneurysms.

But he was huge, though. He appeared in a few movies. I don't remember any of this. That's the thing. The 70s and 80s has this weird kind of bubbling pot of talent. And some lifted to the top and did well. And then some just like, like a Roy J, lit large for a small amount of time and some lifted to the top and went and did well and then some just like like a roy jay lit large for a small amount of time and then imploded yeah it's funny we were going back to

budgerigars the another one of those i don't know whether he was on a talent show we had percy edwards who used to imitate birds and animals and he would regularly be on these shows to come on i love it see that's it impression of a chaffinch. Variety. You don't get variety. I'd love to see some bloke do a chaffinch. But there's a great story, just quickly, about when Barry Cryer met Percy Edwards in the late 70s.

And he said, how are you keeping, Percy? I haven't seen you for a while. And he goes, I'm all right, Barry. I've just done this very strange job. I had to do all these noises for this new film. And the film that he provides the noises for was Alien. Really? So all that... That's Percy Edwards.

Ah, this is fascinating to go from birds to xenomorphs. Good work, though, isn't it? No, terrifying noises. They must have had... I mean, they must have had to use it for future. He makes a little squeaky noise there, doesn't he, or something, I think. Yeah, it's all Percy Edwards, apparently. That's so funny because they must have had to have reused it for the sequels and things like that.

It's so iconic. Paul, can I just mention one thing? I bought a single by Ben Calder called Great Men Repeat Themselves. It's like a comedy record, an American comedy record. And it turns out, I looked into it, and it turns out he's an actor. And he's the person who did the Wilhelm scream that's the guy who did the screen yeah so what did he do it originally for like some western i don't know i just it was on the wikipedia page but it was a it's a bizarre like comedy record and it's not listed as one of his releases this

one i found yeah great men repeat themselves and it's sort of like a sort of country it's like a country novelty comedy sp-inch thing. Well, we'll do it on the show at one point. I love hearing things. I learned this year that the guy who does, I can't remember the name of the actor. Oh, this is terrible, isn't it? Who does the voiceover at the beginning of The Incredible Hulk.

Oh, yeah. I love that. Do you know who that is? No, no. Lurch from The Addams Family. And he had a single. The Lurch. There was Lurch Mania for about three weeks, I think, in some time in the 60s.

I saw a profile on that guy. He was extremely prolific. And quite tragically, he had acromedley, didn't he? Yeah. And he died quite young. But he was very... And he was always cast as the as the freak or the monster like richard k or any yeah and he wanted to be taken seriously as an actor and he couldn't be peter

serafanovich told me something also sourcing these obscure vocal things he he was doing a something in the states and got chatting to this guy who told him he was in the audience for the Hanna-Barbera cartoons, where you have the audience laughter. Wow. So all the canned stuff? All the canned stuff. It was just his father was a sound editor and just got all the local kids to sit in a garage

and watch Top Cat and whatnot, Scooby-Doo, and tape their laughter. So they actually found it funny? Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. And I guess they must have reused all that stuff

because that always sounds familiar when you hear those episodes. On this Ben Calder record he references Batman and

Yogi Bear and a lot of stuff like that. All the Top Cats and stuff like that. That was the great thing about Hannibal Bear.

It's like what's popular on TV? Right we're going to do a cat version of it. You know because Top Cat was basically the

Phil Silvers show and Flintstones was the Honey honeymooners and blah blah blah it's like they had a very good formula scooby-doo was the rosetta stone of bob hannah bob bearer success because once that was big they made 80 000 other shows of the same concept new schmoo new smooth show do you remember squidley diddly yes we all know squidley diddly and if you did if you did remember Squidley Diddley you'd know it's not a clone

of Scooby Doo it's Yogi Bear well no because Squid is the bear and then there's the keeper and it's about them so it's not Yellowstone Jellystone Park

it's in somewhere else yeah there's a band here I've just noticed by the way called Ground Pepper and this song was called Dracula Mania in February 1975

but there's no other information on it here a comedy group called Pyramid by the way, called Ground Pepper. And this song was called Dracula Mania in February 1975, but there's no other information on it here. A comedy group called Pyramid. The skinhead reggae band from the late 60s. Bad Manners. Simmerip. No, a bit before Bad Manners. Yes, Simmerip, yes.

They're called Simmerip. They did the boots with metal walking. Yeah, and Skinhead Moonstomp and all of that. Yes, great, great stuff. I didn't realise that the name is Pyramids backwards. They were the Pyramids. It's like Dr. Acular all over again, isn't it. Yes, great. Great stuff. I didn't realise that the name is Pyramids backwards. They were the pyramids. It's like Dr. Acula all over again, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. Well, there was also, I think it was a subsidiary of Trojan or there was a pyramid label. Paul, Mr. Putner, he brought in a New Faces record, which I didn't know existed, but it makes sense

because, as I say, we talked about Opportunity Knox, which had a different bunch of hosts, like Bob Monkhouse presented it for a while, didn't he? Yes, Bob says Opportunity Knox. We never had the gong show in this country, did we? The old gong show. We didn't remake it, did we?

No. They did show it on late night TV, the American one. But you'd think Britain would be great for shit like the gong show, where some mad fella comes up, inflates a water bottle, and then sings I'm the Man of the Mountain or something. Didn't that Jerry Sadowitz show have an element of that? Which one? The BBC show he did.

No, the People vs. Jerry. Yeah, Jerry Sadowitz. Well, that's it. They had to come and convince him, and they had a little bit, didn't they? Well, no one would ever see it again because he takes it down off YouTube. Anytime anything with Jerry's stuff,

he has it removed. So his BBC show's not on there as well? Nothing. You can't see anything. Yeah, he's a quiet man, but the minute anything pops up of his, he gets it taken down. He's quite on top of it in that respect.

But the only thing he can't get taken down is Ebenezer Good. Oh, yes. Because he was in a video with Terry Hall when he had that taken down. Really? Well, we did pay you for the day. Why? Because he doesn't want anyone using his image. I don't understand. He wants to get paid.

I know he had a bad time making that BBC show he did. I think that six episodes of his sketch show, magic show, whatever. I like it. The Paul Bearer's Review. The Paul Bearer's Review is one of my favourite things in the 90s growing up. I remember I taped that and watched it over and over. I bet it doesn't stand up too much now if I watched it back,

but I do remember that was a big influence on me growing up. It's a shame. Yeah, but, yeah. Sorry, what was the point of him? Why do we... Why am I... Because we were talking about Jerry Sederitz, the talent show element.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm linking stuff. There was also Search for a Star, which Dave Wolfe was the winner of that. I only think that ran for one series. I just kind of wish that when these talent shows, because they're always going to be talent shows.

It's a nice way of getting audiences, and it's great weekend entertainment. It's just that they always seem to be led towards singers. It's like I kind of wish there was a show that didn't have singers in, because you've got X Factor on those shows. So why not, if you have a talent show, magicians and acrobats. Yes, but this is what goes back to what I was saying. There was a whole world of variety that existed.

So I think part of the reason that it's all towards singers now is that these people don't arise organically. Novelty acts don't arise. Yes yes there's no musical club circuit like that and there's certainly like a bottleneck now when it comes to that so the talent can work on a circuit they're working men's clubs and things like that but then once they want to go any further it's just jammed because from that point on it's like oh no we only want people who can sing or do a good half hour set it's like there's not much need for a person who can make fancy bubbles or play play the spoons or something yeah it's a shame i got fed up when they who was was it diversity with the first dance dance troupe yeah yeah and then they suddenly every year they

would have someone like that and they were very talented and that but they'd all use the same tricks and have the same music where it all would stop and go doing all of that and I just think, why doesn't Simon Cowell say, no, no, no we've had this, we've had this do something different That's going to be an Olympic sport, breakdancing

Is it? Officially? Bullshit, yeah Is that going to be like what? They'll pick a piece of music like a kind of dancer in a square would do, you know, the whole acrobatics and they do this to the corners You know, they have a corner and then they run to another corner doing that What the fuck are you on about, mate?

What's it called when they do that? I don't know what you're doing there They go from corner to corner What? I'm going to have to edit so much of this out of just me saying stuff that no one knows what I'm going on about It's terrible I had a mate who went to do Britain's Got Talent Oh, mate, I'm going to have to edit so much of this out of just me saying stuff that no one knows what I'm going on about. It's terrible.

I had a mate who went to do Britain's Got Talent. Right. What kind of act? It was... There's no way it would have got on. He's called a Geordie Gunter Swedish porn star. It was a character bit. Yeah. And he basically just comes out in a tiny thong

and looks like a typical 70s German porn star. Not Geordie, German. Sorry, because he is a Geordie. Dave Little, sorry. German porn star. And he said it was, when he did it, he said it was literally like a cattle market. We were in holding pens because we were just, they just bring us out and film us. And then they just use just a quick flash of us or two

seconds of footage and then you really you know you suddenly realize oh we're just being used really to kind of make the show look oh look what you might see and all the all the oddballs and then yeah just be someone coming out and singing a bloody hallelujah yeah see i'd flip the format where at the beginning i get all the big singers out the way everyone who thinks they're fucking whitney hou Houston or whatever who can blast it get rid of them and then leave it

with Barry Lemons and his spoons of joy and have him come on I like balloon animals me yeah I like a good balloon animal act

I like people who do special bubbles you know those bubble magicians oh I love him there's one guy isn't there he was famous

because he was doing the smoke but then he couldn't do that act anymore because venues wouldn't allow smoking and everything so like his big trick

was all out the window unless he went come out to the parking lot outside and I'll do me magic tricks well there's ways around it I'm sure yeah maybe

he might have used I don't know dry ice do you remember that guy used to smoke 200 fags at once yeah yeah he was brilliant that was a very famous magician

and he used to put it in his mouth take the whole thing into his mouth yeah and it all disappeared, and then it all popped out again. Talking of novelty acts, I saw the fart guy at university.

The original? No, Lepetimane, no. Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane. Ginger bloke. Yeah, yeah. Did he do that trick you have where you open your arse all up and absorb it?

Mate, that's the basic technique of producing farts at will, is the breathing arse. You know what? Next live show. You gape it. Can you do that at will, is the breathing arse. You know what? Next live show. You gape it. Can you do that?

No, I will not do it. I don't want to do that. I'll probably end up doing shit to myself. We can call you Mr. Messy Stain or something like that. I will not do it, but I just know I have some knowledge. Eli Silver on new feces. Do you know what I was thinking? New feces.

Sorry. I was thinking about, do you reckon puppetry of the penis would get away with that now? Do you think that would be deemed inappropriate now? I don't know because it wasn't as if the show was sexual. Because I remember seeing it once and then again last night in my dreams. I remember seeing it and thinking, it's all very impressive, quote unquote, but I'm not going to recommend it to my mum. It just felt like it was one of those kind of,

I can't believe it. Like when the Chippendales were popular in the 80s, it just had that sense of, oh, but I don't know. It's a funny one, isn't it? You think, would that be seen as a bit icky now? I would like to say not, because as I say... No, I don't think so, because it's sort of... I don't know if they'd get a West End show.

Unsexualised, isn't it? And it's sort of like that Swedish kids programme with Mr Penis or whatever, you know. Yeah, but that is a cartoon. It's not a bunch of Australian men. It's a huge penis going around doing stuff. Yeah, but it's not attached to a human, is it? Right.

They interviewed Billy Connolly on Graham Norton's show the other night, and he was reminiscing about his appearance dancing naked in piccadilly circus in an early comic relief and you do think i wonder if they would do that now whether that would be seen as a bit weird now it's since me too and and and all the other grave issues probably yeah they're probably just saying... Well, it's like everything's about context, though, right? You know, everything... I think no topic is off the books,

provided you have context for it. Even if your context is hateful, at least it's context. Because at the end of the day, whatever you put out there, you've got to stand by. And I don't like comedians who don't stand by things they say.

And they go, oh, it's just a joke. Well, it's like, do you believe the joke? Or do you... you you know what i mean i'm not saying every joke has to have some kind of massive political stance behind it but like if you're going to tackle subjects then at least either commit one way or the other i don't like ephemeral edgelord comedy so i don't think billy connelly was ever a you know an edgelord comedian no i mean in fact if anything he made naughty dialogue kind of homely. He's one of the greatest storytelling comedians of all time. Yeah, easily.

Easily. It's like there's no other guy you're happy to sit there for 15 minutes and not really have a punchline or a guy. Fucking hilarious. And just love the story. Yeah. But I'm talking about it from the indecent exposure. Yes.

I think they wouldn't do it now. No. I think for that reason. If you're making this a humorous thing of a man, you know, waving his private parts in public, where it is in that kind of grey area, isn't it, really? The only one way to find out, and if you're up for it, Paul, we can go to Piccadilly Circus.

We can just go there if you want. Yeah. Well, give it a go. I'll watch it out. I've seen enough of your penis in the past 24 hours. Yes, because you could, if I was to walk naked through Piccadilly Circus and get arrested,

I could say, well, it's all right for Sir Billy Connolly in 2006 or whatever. What's the difference? Because I thought that would make sense if it was like you know like unordinated Billy Connolly

period of his career when he might have done something like that this was in the noughties oh that surprises me yeah but the noughties was sort of was much ruder

wasn't it than it is now well it was off the back end of like 90s the lad culture in the 90s yeah

that was still sort of hanging around because you get away with it because it was all blokey you know even the ladette culture probably could tolerate it The 90s, yeah. That was still sort of hanging around. Because you'd get away with it because it was all blokey. Yeah, that blokey thing. You know, even the ladette culture probably tolerated that thing as well.

And going back to Blankety Blank, I was in a Blankety Blank sketch for Comic Relief. The last good sketch Comic Relief ever did. I'm going to say that right now because that was a huge favourite with our little group of comedians. That is a damn fine sketch. We died on our arse on the night, though. Did you?

Well, it was strange because they put it out. It was really late when they put it out. And the audience kind of bust in and they're all tired. They can't go for a piss. They can't drink. You know, they've exhausted from being in a bath of baked beans the week before. You know, they're just captive, basically. And they're not really probably

massive comedy fans as such and we think they're there for children in need yeah yeah yeah so we we did the sketch it went you know it got got some laughs but it's difficult because there was canned laughter within the sketch so it was and there was silences within the sketch where you're hoping people will be laughing but in the in But with this tired audience, they just seemed utterly bemused by it, really. It's so funny because it works much better on TV. It works much better on TV. But the point why I'm bringing this up, because I've got it on tape the whole evening because I wanted to see it when I got home. And there is a bit where three guys stand up completely naked in the audience.

And you just think, wow, and there's kids there. And you think that just would no way would that get through now. And that was early 2000s, wasn't it? Wasn't there a show where people would look at someone's junk and sort of talk about it? Yeah, that's still on TV now, the naked attraction. Well, there was the one, what was the one that Denise Van Outen used to do? Oh, feel these bollocks. Feel these bollocks with Denise Van Outen used to do? Oh. Feel these bollocks.

Feel these bollocks with Denise Van Outen. Great. I remember it vividly. Knob check. Was that the one where they pushed women into the water or people into the water? No, that was Chris Tarrant, Man, Oh, Man. Tarrant keeps coming up. Something for the weekend.

Well, Britain's got Tarrant, haven't they? So, you know. Thank you. I've been here all fucking week, unfortunately. Right, new faces record. No, well, so I, you know. Thank you. I've been all fucking weak, unfortunately. Right, New Faces record. Well, so I tell you what, we'll end with the New Faces and just talk very briefly about Opportunity Knocks. Again, you look at the calibre of acts and like...

Now, Opportunity Knocks was a completely separate franchise. Yeah. Same difference. You know, it was Huey Green. Huey Green? Huey Green. So New Faces, when did it finish? Oh, God, no.

It ran up until 86 Okay But Opportunity Knocks Came and went It was bigger in the 70s But effectively Oh really You had New Faces

And Opportunity Knocks Going at the same time They were both knocking around At the same time And I will say this I think New Faces Had the better talent I think they came out

With the better acts Whereas Opportunity Knocks Here's who you got Peters and Lee Paper Lace Peters and fucking Lee Freddie Star With his fucking ballads.

Oh. Who Simon Pegg played in the Blankety Blank sketch. That's right. Yeah. All right. That's all I can do of him. Airborne with the song Emily Jane. Fucking hell, Airborne.

How bad is your talent roster? Ghost Meat by Airborne. Here's the thing. How bad is your talent roster? Opportunity Knox, when of all the acts you've put Peters and Lee on twice and Paper Lace on twice? Fucking hell.

You know what I mean? Well, if I remember correctly, Opportunity Knox, they didn't have judges like new faces, but they had a thing called a clapometer. Oh, yeah.

I know the clapometer. And so they would get the audience that were at the invite, the studio audience, not people at home. That would be, imagine the microphones they'd need. Had to clap. And they had this guy obviously stood behind, hiding on this little board with an arrow going up.

Yeah. So he was the clapometer. He had to decide. I suppose so. So if he was pissed off, he was the one you had to impress. How hard can you clap and cheer to make it go over 78? Well, if you were a canny act, you'd probably give him a handjob. Find out who the clapometer operator is.

Fucking gave him a clapometer. Yeah, yeah. He's got the clapometer. You're talking about a fucking standing ovation. And Huey Green was the evuncular host. And I mean that motion, see, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, that's it. I don't know.

Have you ever been on a talent show? Have you ever thought about doing a talent show, even when you were a kid or something? I won a talent show. I came first in a talent show, yeah, on holiday in 1977, still riding the crest of the wave of appearing on Nationwide, presumably. You had that life in your sights. Yeah, exactly.

I did a stand-up comedy routine. And I went on, I did impressions. I came on, I did Eric Morecambe. Oh, wow. Can you still do Eric Morecambe? You know what? I feel bad now. Do you know what?

When someone says, can you do this impression? You can never do'm not you know what I feel bad now because all of a sudden I'm under a lot of pressure on you when someone says can you do this impression you can never do it's like tell that funny story yeah yeah yeah it wasn't as funny as you told it the other night no because it was spontaneous

yes Arsenal oh that's probably going to pop the mic anyway worth it oh yes oh little man no so I

I used to do Eric I mean yeah I was always that do you Eric Morkham Paul at Christmas I used to do Eric. I mean, yeah, I was always that. Do you, Eric Mork and Paul at Christmas? I used to do Dave Allen, make my finger look like. Yeah, yeah, do the finger. That's the touch, isn't it? And I told a joke about hypochondriacs.

I didn't even know what a hypochondriac was. How old are you? Sorry. How old am I? I'm 55. No, I mean then. I was 11. And I told Dave Allen something about a hypochondriac tombstone saying,

I told you I was ill. The kind of highlight of the set was I'd do impressions of going to the dentist. Okay. So I'd do this whole routine with all the drills. All that stuff. And that's how you got the Nescafe advert. That's a percolator. Yeah, yeah.

So I do all of that, and I won it. They said to me, we're going to put you on the top of the bill tomorrow night at the adult cabaret. I said, I don't want to open. No, no, that's the first time I'd heard the expression top of the bill. No, you weren't going to finish the show.

At 11? At 11. And I was utterly fearless and just thought, oh great, I'll chuck in some new material and killed it. Wicked! Yeah, so yeah. That was probably my... That was the day you knew. That was the day I probably knew that I definitely wanted to do something along those lines.

Yeah, and then all those years later, you're on a podcast with two dickheads talking shit about charity. Well, there you go. How the mighty have fallen. I wouldn't mind climbing to where you've fallen to. Let me just put it that way. Oh, that's really sweet. No, it was, I mean, I remember I was given five pounds,

which in those days you could buy a Mini for. Really? No. I was going to say. No, Mini was £6.50. Oh, no. I'm being silly. given five pounds which in those days you could buy a mini for really no i was gonna say no mini was 650 oh no i'm silly um no five pounds i could get i don't know 500 curly burleys and i had a photocopied those proper old purple photocopied certificates which my mum's got somewhere so yeah they were very proud of me they They should be. That would be 11 to do all that and then nail an adult show. I remember the first show I ever did in front of an audience.

It was a magic show. And someone put me in a card costume and I had to be the Jack of Diamonds. And I had to say one thing where it was like Kazam. And instead I fell forward and cried. And they had to drag me out as I was crying. That was my first appearance on stage. I told you I did a two-week magic course and then at the end, everyone's parents came

to watch us do the show and they were giving feedback. Two-week magic course? Yeah. It was at what used to be the Unicorn Theatre in Leicester Square. It was a children's theatre. I think it was called the Unicorn. Okay. Yeah.

It's still there, but it's something else now. It's just a theatre now. And think it was called The Unicorn. Okay. Yeah. It's still there but it's something else now. It's just a theatre now. And then what? You did the magic trick? Well, everyone's parents came. Mine didn't. Right.

And everyone's parents were like, oh, Timmy was brilliant. They'd give feedback after after everyone had done their trick. And then everyone was like, oh, it's brilliant Timmy, brilliant Johnny,

brilliant Jane. And then with me they were like, a bit shifty. Fuck off. I'm sorry, but your son can't do magic because he has stumpy hands. the brilliant Jane and then with me they were like bit shifty bit fuck off I'm sorry but your son can't do magic

because he has stumpy hands oh shut up I also I was too I'm not yeah I'm too shifty to be a magician

surely the shifty is a great thing to be for a magician no it's like you know the misdirection it's like you know

alright well I'll tell you what we're going to end then with the track from New Face it's the first track which is You're tell you what we're going to end then with the track from New Faces the first track which is You're a Star by Carl Wayne which I believe was released

and was a hit in the charts itself so I wonder if this will bring back memories for you Yesterday I was happy to play for a penny or two a song Till a fella in a black sedan took a shine to my one-man band He said, we got plans for you, you'd never dream You're a star, you're a star, A long suit and a new guitar

And I know that you'll go far Cos you're a star You're a star, superstar On you go with your finest style And I know that you'll go far Cos you're a star I signed my name on the Friday night I'm guessing that's not the version they released, though. Otherwise, I'd be really pissed off as a DJ.

It was like, I was going to go for a piss then. Well, it's the only mono track on there. They always just lifted it directly from the TV. It says here, compiled, this whole album, by Alan Freeman. So he had a say. And you've got Shawody Woddy on here. They did have a proper pedigree, all those judges, didn't they? Lenny Henry.

Although, to be fair, most of these go over my head now. Sweet Sensation, Tom Waits. You know the Honey Bus? There's a tune, the Honey Bus, Maggie, I can't let Maggie go. Can't let Maggie go. Was that used in an ad or something, that refrain? It was for... Bread?

No. Nimble. Nimble bread. The hot air Okay That's right yeah Thank you Because I played it on my show today And I was just like

What is that? That's an awful DJ When you play a track And they go What was that? And they're like Hi everyone No I just didn't know how

I knew obviously The name of the song Paul Yeah I know I'm just being facetious You would say something funny You can't can you? No You'd never win a fucking talent show

I don't Let's do an. I don't. Let's do an impression. I don't have the confidence. All right, give me an impression, too. I'll do an impression. We'll end on an impression. The other Ronnie, not Barker. What was he called?

No, not Barker. Yeah, no, Ronnie Corbett's the one. Corbett. Because Corbett. I like that one. That's it. That's it. That's it. Go on, anyone else.

Go on, I'll do them. The two Ronnies used to come on and whenever he did his sitting down in the chair... Monologue. I was like, out of there. I had this so boring. It's the best bit. It was not the best bit. It was the art of the tangent.

It was never about the joke. It was about the tangent. I did not like those bits. Yeah, there was actually, I kind of only really liked the sketches. I didn't like the songs at the end. No. I've always been a bit of a comedy song person, though, so I liked those ones. I just thought, well, I don't really resonate with music hall versions of this.

You know, I didn't. I liked it when they did pop stars at the time. Yeah, but that was always weird as well. Who were those two western singers jellifant jessifat was it i've got the whole lp and it's basically just straight sort of country i've got that les dawson not les dawson i've got that ronnie barker album which is just full of him doing end of the pier song because he was he was obsessed with uh postcards and end of the pier yeah yeah so there's a whole annual of his collection of bawdy yeah bawdy post stuff. So there's a whole annual of his collection of... Bawdy. Yeah, bawdy postcards. So yeah, there's a whole thing.

I don't know, I like Barker for that. Barker falls into that same thing as Les Dawson and Victoria Woolworth where it's not so much that they're incisive, but it's like the way they use language is just beautiful. I just love it. Great wordsmiths. Yeah. I used to like dinner party sketches. Yes. I liked it when they were doing a sketch

together. i thought his monologues were very funny always very pun based weren't they spoonerism type stuff and stuff yeah all i will say is i'm glad we've managed to speak for another half an hour on new faces and we didn't get to jim davidson and so we can therefore not speak about jim davidson right which is i think a boon to this podcast so do you leave mich Ilfic out of this? Yeah, I often have to. Although, basically, if you want to know the history of Jim Davison, look up Jimmy Jones. Is it Jimmy Jones?

Jimmy James? Who was the other comedian of the time? The one he fucked over? No, the one he ripped the whole fucking act off. Even his funny racist jokes he ripped off Jimmy James. Or Jones. Or Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy. Yeah, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy. Yeah, he ripped off

the undertones. Yeah. The bottom line is he's dead to us. So we should all move on. Right, let's wrap this show up. And that's the end of that Cheap Show episode.

Yay! Yay! Thank you, Paul, for coming on the show. It's a pleasure. If people have fallen in love with you over the course of this last 90 minutes,

where can they get in touch with you socially on the medias? I'm on Twitter. It's a load of drivel I tweet. So be prepared. It's a real Paul Putner. Yeah.

And I don't have a blue tick because I don't even know how to do that. I don't even really know how to use Twitter. So if you want to see pictures or anything accompanying this episode, go to thecheapshow.co.uk. We're on Facebook. We're on Instagram. all those kind of things. But on Twitter, it's where we're most vocal, at The Cheap Show Pod.

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For the art of Patreon. When you start doing... He's really doing mouth funnies. When you start doing the admin at all on this podcast... Give what you can, but only if you can. And stop looking at me like that. For the art of Patreon. He's really doing mouth funnies. When you start doing the admin at all on this podcast. I can do it. Then you can start correcting me. We've had this before. I can do it. We've been doing this for nearly six and a half years.

I can fucking do it. And you can barely remember the email address. I'll tell you what. Look to the email address. www. No, you see, there we go. Thecheapshow.com. No.

.net. Why would it be.net? It's an email..uk. Why would it be.net? It's an email. .uk. Where's the at? At. You useless bag of bollocks. You've never said through the art of Patreon before, have you?

I've got to mix it up, haven't I? That's a weird thing to say. You know what else weird to say? What? You wank it in the jungle. I said that out loud, didn't I? So you can email us anything you want, thecheapshowatgmail.com. And if you go to our website, thecheapshow at gmail.com and if you go to our website

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anything to the show to play with or a price of shite and I think that has been a rather long and epic episode and so thank you Mr. Putner

for joining us for it and you're always welcome back even if you don't necessarily want to come back yes well thank you very much Putner, for joining us for it. And you're always welcome back, even if you don't necessarily want to come back. Yes, well, thank you very much for having me. Very democratic. All right, do you have anything you want to say, Eli?

No. Good. Shall we say goodbye then? Goodbye. Goodbye then. Bye. See you next week. Bye. you