CheapShow - Ep 254: The October 31st Episode

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Paul and Eli have never had much luck during Halloween. They've been attacked by a pervy hamster, attacked by a crazed fan, spent a long, dull night at a haunted house and was chased through the woods by an axe wielding guest! This year, the Cheap Chaps are going to try and keep it simple. Eli has picked out a few spooky tunes to listen to and Paul has a few paranormal page turners to investigate. It may be a super scary night, but they are both wrapped up warm. However, Paul is expecting someone... and a debt must be repaid! Happy Halloween! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-254-the-october-31st-episode And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With special guest appearance from Paul Rose @MrBiffo And thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Right, how long have we got? Oh, he's going to be here soon. Oh, God. Everything's ready. Everything's ready. Okay, good. All right, okay. We're good to go.

Come on in. Come in. Hello. Hello. I am Paul McSpooky Splodge Hardy. Hello, I'm Eli. Ooh, the Dead Zone Silverman. Ooh, welcome to our I Can't Be Arsed This Year Halloween special.

You really can't, can you? Mate, no, mate, we've had the casino day out, we've had the Rendlesham Forest, we've done so many big things. I just thought, after last year's Halloween where I lost an arm, and then the year before that we were on the worst ghost hunt ever. I just thought we'd keep it simple. It was a bad ghost hunt. I just thought we'd keep it fucking simple this year. Alright, fine.

So the fireplace is on. Good. Right. I can feel the warmth of the fireplace. I've got a pumpkin with a candle on. Crickle crackling away. You don't. None of this is real. Shut up. It's in the... It's real in the mind's eye. I'm just not feeling very fucking Halloween-y. I'm sorry. Do you want me to give you the willies? I'm just not feeling very fucking Halloween-y I'm sorry Do you want me to give you the willies?

I'd like you to give me the genuine willies Hard willies Look, look, I thought what we'd do is today I've got some spooky books So think of this as a Paul's Perilous Page Turners You know what I mean? Paul's Peculiar Page Turners.

Paul's Phantom... Phantasmagorical, yes. It doesn't quite have the alliteration, but it still has the... If it was written down, it does. It does if it's written down. But this is an audio medium. Yes, it is.

So it's Paul's Perilous, Peculiar, Poisonous, Potentially... Phantasm Orgasm. Phantasm Orgasm. Goria. Phantasm Goria Of a spooky Page Turner episode So you happy with that?

Is it cold open? Is it cold and spooky open? I'm in a cold spot It's a cold spot open Yeah It's slimy cold Mouth noise Mouth noise

Should we start again? This bit I think we should start this I think we should just go into this I really think we should start again actually Nah I don't think we should start this. I think we should just go into this. I really think we should start again, actually. Nah, I don't think so. It's been flat. I feel flat.

You're fucking... I'm not flat. You're flat. Pip-pop, pip-pop, I'm not flat. Pip-pop, pip-pop, I'm not flat. Good. This is our spooky, spooky Halloween episode. And we're doing it right now.

Fine. I'm not redoing this. Okay, fine. Ooh, I'm going to put the willies up you. And in your mouth. Yeah! I'm going to put the willies up you. And in your mouth. Yeah. I'm going to put the willies up you in your mouth. Yes, I'm going to knock you off again.

Here we go. Yes, again. It's been a while. It's for Spanktacular Halloween Spodge Off. Yeah, and you're invited. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. show it's the price of shite paul gannon eli silverman Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, welcome to Spooky Cheap Show The economy comedy podcast where we go through the bog of bits of charity shops and powerlands of this fair country and show you the treasure

amongst the trash. Is it fair? Is it a fair society we live in, Paul? Discuss. I think a lot of people would question that very... Discuss. That very thing.

Yes, discuss. It's like Squid Game. Squid Game. Oh, we could do Squid Game. You know what? Someone said to us recently we should do a parody and call it Quid Game.

Yeah. And I was like, great. But that's where the joke stops because i can't think of anything clever couldn't i'm just like by the time we get around to it it'd be like oh no one's on to squid game anymore it's all some other bloody show cowboy bebop i think it's funny how these podcasts actually spring up when there's a popular show like that the squid game podcast yeah yeah because they know that's a good way to get audiences involved when they go, here's a popular show everyone's watching

and now there's a podcast to go with it. I know, but it's not a great foundation to try and build a long-lasting podcast on, is it? No.

Because it can only be about that one thing. keeps on giving week after week after week after week after week. What?

Not giving me the willies. So I think we should have maybe some spooky music. Get ourselves a bit, you know. All right. Yeah, let's get the mood. I've got the fireplace on. You've got the fucking fireplace on. I've got a cobweb up.

Although we are in the house of pie and mash or whatever it's fucking called. And you keep it in such a bad state of... Egg sausage mash. Yeah. You're in the house of... If we're talking about the reality of what's depicted in the painting there, it should be the...

We're in the ESM. Yes, thank you. Yeah, we're in the old ESM. I've spooked it up by painting that sausage to be a zombie sausage. It is a zombie sausage. I can see its brains. Pale zombie sausage.

See, I've put an effort in. What does a zombie sausage say? It says, Walls. Walls. You know what, Eli? That's good. Good, that one. The last, that was really from the subconscious straight to my mouth. Good one. Because I thought that was going to go perilously off the cliff. Now, the fireplace is on, Paul. Yes. But, crickle, crackle. I like the crickickle crackle, what you've done with the imaginary pumpkin as well. With the candle.

Lovely. See what I've carved into it. What have you carved in? Pass it over. You can see it, obviously. Turn it round. Here. All right.

What is it? It's a penis. Yes, it's a penis. It's a spooky penis. It's actually a nice carved spunk. Bubble coming off, yeah. Not bubble. It's not a bubble, Paul.

What is a spunk bubble? Listen, if you ever come bubble it's not a bubble Paul what is a spunk bubble listen if you ever come and there's been a bubble formed just on top of your meters like a dome yes that

what is that you've got problems down there they haven't you've got gas pockets I've just got to stop drinking fairy liquid is that part of your pique you do fairy liquid

little cup every morning for glands that do dishes are as hard as my groin. It's bubbly, knobbly joblof. That makes no sense. That's what I needed. I needed bubbly, knobbly joblof. Now, it's not very Halloween-y, basically, is what I'm saying. I know.

So let's have some spooky music. Let's do it. What's the first choice to set the spooky mood? It's, uh... It's, uh... You don't know, do you? I do. You're too confused.

It's a record I picked up recently, but I've known about the existence of for a while, Paul. Mild green, very splodge-off. Bubbly, spanky, splodge-off. And you know what as well? I hope our international listeners are just going, what the fuck are they laughing at? Because yes, it's green.

That's quite Halloween-y, the fact it's green. Green spunk. Yeah, it would be. It's my spooky gush, love. We've fucking tied the circle in it now, haven't we? Have we? Yeah, we managed to make that whole thing about drinking fairy liquid and cum in bubbles. Yeah.

Halloweeny. We did. So well done. So the first, is it officially sort of a spooky Silverman's Platters? Yeah. So we do have a patron saint. Yes. Of this segment, traditionally.

That is Clyde McFatter. He's no longer with us, but we can contact him via the dead. Via the dead. Via ghosts. No, the dead are... Hey, hang on. We've got Derek Acora's Sam.

We haven't used him in a while. Let me just see if he's here. Sam! Yeah, Sam's here. All right. He said he never left. I'll just sort of... He said he saw everything.

I can channel McFatter. And then Sam can speak to him. Yes. Okay, so Sam, can you come forward, please, Sam? Just get him to... I'm almost going to get into being McFatter there, but could you... Is that not going to be troubling, considering his ethnicity? No, I won't.

I'm going to totally skirt that. You're just going to keep it neutral. Voice neutral. I'm going to totally neutral. I would. It'll be a spooky voice, Paul. Good, okay. Yes.

It'll be my voice, basically. Let me just speak to Sam. Sam. He'll talk with my voice, okay? Sam, we're trying to reach McFatter. Can you help? on, hang on a minute. That'd be my voice, basically. Let me just speak to Sam. Sam. He'll talk with my voice, okay? Sam, we're trying to reach McFatter. Can you help? Oh, he says he can. He's help-channeling now.

He's help-channeling. Hello. This is McFatter. What can I do for you? I had a long career. I was in the spinners working with Harvey Fuqua, and I had several records throughout very major genres like R&B, rock and roll, soul and even some disco stuff.

Sam's saying you sound like Grumpy Sessions. I don't know what that is. I'm Clyde McFatter. I thought I was here to introduce the segment. Please do, Clyde McFatter. I thought I was here to introduce the segment. Please do, Clyde McFatter. Welcome to Silverman's Spooky Platters! Soul Dracula. Ha ha ha! I'm in love, baby Let me do it, baby Let me do it, baby Soul Dracula Oh, yes, so what was that first track?

That was Soul Dracula by Hot Blood. Soul Dracula? By Hot Blood, it comes off an LP Dutch Soul Dracula by Hot Blood. Soul Dracula. By Hot Blood. It comes off an LP Dutch. No, German band. German band. Tell us a bit more about this band. Have we used them on the show before?

Because it sounds like Mephisto a little bit, doesn't it? It's not Mephisto. Mephisto is by Mandrake. But they have a similar vibe. And you know what Mephisto, totally, it's horror disco. It's the sub-genre of horror disco. Was that a whole thing, horror disco? Yeah.

I mean, I guess it would have been, because it kind of leads into the next track we're going to play i love that as a genre yeah there aren't that many examples of it though are there i think if you're just getting really neat if you looked behind the the curtain there you'd find a lot there was a whole lp that that was off and was it all horror based yeah it had It had a song called... Baby Frankenstein or something? What was it? My Buddy Frankenstein. A long playing record, Dracula and Company. So it wasn't an album.

It was like just maybe three or four tracks, like an EP. No, it was an LP. Dracula and Company by Hot Blood. Disco horror songs on there. Baby Frankie Stein. Baby Frankenstein. Yes, for sure, baby. I don't know what blackmail is.

Is that horror? It's either, you know, a kind of Hitchhikian thing. Maybe. Or a potentially racist song. No, horror either you know a kind of hitchhiking thing or a potentially racist song no because you know like the horror genre it's been defined different ways hasn't it the whole the whole genre of horror and of course you have horror films yes and then horror literature is different you see what i mean what could be included as horror literature maybe do you see what i'm getting more like Well, like Frankenstein's a great example.

Is that horror? What I'm saying is Psycho is often put into the pantheon of horror films. Whereas, do you see what I mean? Yes. It's considered a horror, Psycho. But it's right on the crime thriller edge of it, isn't it? Because it has that pulp novel feel. And it has no supernatural.

Well, does it? What, Psycho? No, there's nothing supernatural in Psycho. He's insane. Yeah, I guess. I guess. It does leave a little question, though, about whether he is genuinely haunted by his mother.

Why, at the end? I've not read the book, and I think the book's probably a little bit more basic. Yeah, probably not that great. The film does kind of have a haunted house feel to it, oh yes he's using definitely that's yeah yeah he's using horror tropes the haunted house but he's subverting it isn't it because it's more like a work of genius drama fantastic film yeah psycho you know what it's most famous for featuring a toilet yes which is much more on my level that was that was a big deal that she flushes it right at the top

at the beginning you You hear it flush. You should have gone further. You should have seen the turd. You should have seen the camera. Janet Leigh's turd going down. It's his hitchcock. It would have been classy.

You would have had a camera face the wall, right? And then you'd hear a you know, and then a and then it would pan slowly. You'd have like a vertigo style shot

that's spinning from above as the turd goes down. Well, actually, it'd be very similar to her final shot with her eye in the sinkhole. Yeah, that's what I mean. But it would be a big turd. I bet he wanted to do that. What, film Janet Leigh's turds? I bet he did. He was a filthy.

Set up this camera. I want it underneath the glass table. Yeah, love Psycho. So, Hot Blood, Dracula. Yeah. It's not bad musically. Did they do anything else, this band, Hot Blood? No, it was just that one LP.

Was it like session plays who got together? I mean, disco is the first time, really, when music started to become disassociated from any particular group of musicians. You see what I mean? Right. They kind of interchange it. When things like in dance music

or house or whatever now, the artist name is interchangeable. Yeah. Completely. And you could have different people performing, you know, and you not have a real band. You see what I'm getting at?

Yeah. That really started with disco. That's the first era where you just have a bunch of musicians and you'd have the different names associated with the songwriters or whatever, you know. Because also disco became, in many respects, because of songs like this and things like

Disco Duck, they became novelty songs in some respects as well. It was a huge genre for novelty. It was such a... And I guess for rap. An all-spanning genre. It just absorbed all these genres, didn't it? Yeah. Easy listening, you know.

Latin. All of that stuff becomes absorbed and that's why there was a backlash Soul really struggled yeah Disco was the Marvel films of its time

Soul really struggled and a lot of people you know if they didn't get a crossover hit they completely went into obscurity which is like

why the Blues Brothers actually resurrected those people's careers a lot of them yeah you know which is amazing to think. Now, Aretha Franklin,

you'd think she's an absolute, you know, legend of music. But at that time, she was struggling to keep herself relevant. And it's because of disco. It's because they were

kind of left behind. The whole R&B world was changing and disco had a lot to do with it, basically. And Dan Aykroyd had a big part of, you know,

bringing that music to, I'm not going to say the mainstream, because it was mainstream, but, you know, to kind of remember, go, hey, look, remember these people? Yeah.

Remember this music? But it's just, yeah. What? It's all to do with the racism in America, the racist structures. I'm reading a book about it now. Anyway, so it was a one-hit wonder. They're seen as a one-hit wonder.

Which is fair enough. For this hot blood Dracula. Well, great. I wish we could get... I like the baby Frankenstein. Does it go like that? Doong, doong, doong. It goes, ah, ah, ah It goes... And he's like,

I wish, you know what? You know, Mephisto totally has the edge. It does, because... Because it has that spunking bit. That's why. It has that bit where he goes... And she goes, I do want it or something, doesn't she?

And he goes, Mephisto! Mephisto! And then you have that sound effect. There's none of that on this. No. He sounds pretty sleazy. Yeah.

Dracula on this. It'd be better if there was a bit where he goes, yes, no, you're... Or... Job me off! I want to bite your neck. You know, something like that. And have a lady go, instead of...

She'd go, ooh, I do want to. Because that's what... Well, that's what happens in Mephisto, doesn't it? Because he's like, yeah. And she's like, no, no. And then she's like, yes. That's what's really disturbing you. And that's what happens In Mephisto doesn't it Because he's like She's like no No no She's like yes That's what's really

Disturbing you Mephisto Mephisto The Jeremy Beadle Of horror So I think This one's similar But it

You're right It lacks It's not bad musically But I mean that Mephisto song Has more structure And it's a bit of a better tune Yeah it's a bit of a better tune This one's alright

Yeah I quite like it It's quite nicely produced sort of you know no no as i say lovely thing but yeah it was destined to burn brightly and then disappear forever yeah which brings us to our next track just one more thing paul on hot blood just one more thing weirdly yeah if you go to who sampled they there's a band called Mephisto who sampled this. And that's it! We, we, we, we, we. We, we, we, we, we.

Rotato turd. Rotato turd. Rotato turd. Ah, I'm fine. Yeah? Yeah. Right, okay, so the song I've picked to set the mood is something that we've talked about

briefly on the in the show in the past but never covered this is a doozy this is right so far up our street that it's sort of this is one of those songs

that is both kind of well known and also not well known at all like if you caught it on the radio which is very rare you'd go oh yeah well it was a big deal for me

right as a child so we're going to finally get into the guts of this next track. You may remember it from 1986, and it's called Amityville, parentheses, House on the Hill by Lovebug Starsky, and it sounds a little bit something like this.

Well, I was going to a party I'm an eagle. I'm an eagle. I'm sorry. Well, I was going to a party in Amityville. Matter of fact, it was the house at the top of the hill. But I wouldn't have never went for nothing in the world except I got an invite for one of my girls. When I got to the house, the grass was over the fence. The atmosphere around would keep me in suspense. So I rang the doorbell like it ain't no thing. And this gruesome guy came and said, hello, Swarovski.

I understand they call you the love bug. What a cute little bug. I'd like to put you between my fingers. It's the house on the hill. Abbeville. Abbeville. Abbeville. Abbeville. House on the hill Abbeville Abbeville Abbeville

House on the hill House on the hill It's very of its time, right? It's got that early... Well, here's the thing. So I didn't know much about the song. It's one of those songs that, you know, we watch Todd in the Shadows

and you think, why hasn't he talked about it on one of his Halloween specials? That's because it wasn't a one-hit wonder in America at all. No, it was only a one-hit wonder here. Did it not even trouble the charts in America? No, there's nothing about it in America. It didn't even trouble the top 100. It got to number 12 in the UK, that song.

Only 12 here. And if you look at, like... I remember it being, like, a number one. Because I heard it, and I used to I used to kind of look out for it. And they'd play it three or four... It was on rotation. It was on radio a lot. Because it's similar to Rockwell's Somebody's Watching Me.

I can't remember what came out first, though. Well, that's a proper song, though, Rockwell's. This is like... No, but they're both proper songs. No. But they're both of the similar kind of 80s hip-hop, jerky rap feel. There's no rap in Somebody's Watching Me.

No, but what I'm saying is... And it's got that Michael Jackson chorus thing. Hee hee hee! Which is sort of quite... Do you see what I mean? Yeah. I don't think Somebody's Watching Me... But they're cut from the same cloth,

will you at least agree with that? In terms of production and the sound of the 80s and that stuff. Yes, but one is an out-and-out novelty record. Yes. Directly referencing in the title an existing horror franchise. Yes. Right? And Rockwell's, that's like a song.

That's a novelty because it was a one-hit wonder. It wasn't really a novelty. It's not a novelty, but it was a novelty because it was a one-hit wonder. Yes, and it has elements of horror novelty about it but it always turns up like if you've got a spectrum from like proper song to novelty song yeah amateurville's right at the novelty song end well yeah because it has like a star trek impression we'll get to that yeah i think that's a really interesting element of the tune yeah but it's when you see like halloween playlists it's like it's always in there rock Rockwell.

It is. And Thriller and Ghostbusters and maybe Feed My Frankenstein and stuff like that. Feed my Frankenstein. Does he mean his bad mom? No, he literally means monster. Feed my monster. And then I'm going to eat you. Frankenstein doesn't eat anything.

No, I know. He runs on electricity, doesn't he? Yeah, but I don't think... Frankenstein's monster. I'd have to look at the lyrics again to Alice Cooper's Feed My Frankenstein doesn't eat anything. No, I know, but... He runs on electricity, doesn't he? Yeah, but I don't think... Frankenstein's monster. I'd have to look at the lyrics again to Alice Cooper's Feed My Frankenstein. It gets a big clamp on his knob, doesn't it? Who? Frankenstein's monster. I thought you were going to talk about Alice Cooper.

It gets big clamps on each bollock. Is that how he gets himself hard for the bride? You know those screws on the H side of his head? Yeah. He's got those on the side of his bollocks. Yeah, well fucking done for that comedy image. Eh? Yeah, Frankenstein.

Crank up. Crank up the knob. Let's roll with that idea. So let's imagine, can you imagine the bride of Frankenstein on their wedding night? Ooh, Frankie boy,

get it up. I need the spanner. Crank it. What a lovely comedy moment. I'm moving on I'm Jemima No her name's I can't remember

What her name is In The Bride of Frankenstein Oh you fucking What Because The Bride of Frankenstein Is in the film As The Bride of Frankenstein

I've never seen it I'd like to see it It's meant to be really good Three minutes at the end Yeah Is that it Yeah So it's like a plot twist

It's like right at the very end He goes I made you a wife For something And then she goes She wakes up She goes Oh no it's a monster I'm. It's like right at the very end, he goes, I made you a wife or something. And then she goes, she wakes up, she goes, oh no, it's a monster, I'm a monster. Goes mad and then sets herself on fire and burns it all down.

It's an amazing image. Yeah, no, it's great. I'm not saying it's not a bad film, but like The Bride of Frankenstein features surprisingly little in the plot. Yeah, I've never seen it. That's one I should watch because I love the original. Oh yeah, both of James Wales. Is it James Wales?

Yeah, James Wales horror films, The Frankenstein, and then that he did, you know, back to back. Okay Wales. Is it James Wales? Yeah, James Wales horror films, The Frankenstein, and then that he did, you know, back to back. Okay. Anyway, so, Lovebug Starsky, who made that song. He was a New York rapper.

Is that right? Yes. His real name is Kevin Smith, not the director of Clerks. No. Best known for his stage name, Lovebug Starsky. This is all taken from Wikipedia, just obviously.

American MC. He began his career as a record boy in 1971 as hip-hop first appeared in the Bronx. What began his career as a record boy in 1971 as hip-hop first appeared in the Bronx. What does that mean, a record boy? I don't know. I don't think I've ever heard that record boy. Is it someone maybe who looks after the records?

Who plays the records, yeah. You know, like someone has to protect the records or organise the records. You know when people are mixing and people are handing them records? Perhaps that's it, yeah. Something like that. For speed.

Yeah, the person who's organising the DJ's box. So someone's just mixing and the other person's just handing them the record. Who carries the box, sort of. Maybe. If you know, please get in touch. No, I've never heard that term before. It's strange. He became a DJ at the Disco Fever Club in 78.

So he became a DJ. So it does suggest you're sort of like an assistant and then you move on to actually playing the records and cutting and scratching, obviously, as well. Yeah of the two people here's the thing he is one of the two people who may have come up with the term hip-hop yeah that's a fucking crazy star claimed he coined the phrase while trading the two words back and forth while improvising lines with keith cowboy of the furious five during a farewell party of a friend who's going to the army yeah crazy and then it kind of

just talks about his music and like the British group Mars would sample a song of his called Positive Life for the 87 track Pump Up The Volume right

which is that's a great song yeah that's my earliest probably experience of sort of like sampling realising

music was sampled yeah it's pure samples isn't it I couldn't tell you it's been a while I know it but I don't know

how much of it he says he goes this is the volume this is a journey into sound that's a British thing that's a sample

from a British this is a journey into sound yeah all of those classic yeah it's a template

for so much that came after all I'm saying he recorded a song for the soundtrack of the 86 film film, Rapping, which is on Atlantic Records. And it featured his...

He had an album called House Rocker, and that featured the song Amityville House on the Hill, a parody song named in reference to the film, the Amityville Horror, which was still reasonably popular. I think there was a third sequel at this point. They have all sorts of sequels. Yeah. People don't talk about that.

There's like Amityville Cop or something like that. No, there's like Amityville Dollhouse and Amityville Lamp or The Evil Escapes. It just becomes a... So now if you buy

an object from the house that's now got a demon up its arse. Oh, I bought a... Oh, I went to that yard sale outside the Amityville house and I bought this unusually scary

looking clock. I'm just going to hang it here. So it's become a franchise. Has it got more sequels? I think there was a remake in the early 2000s with Ryan Reynolds in.

There was a Hammettville film that came out two years ago that had Jennifer Jason Leigh in and no one remembers it got released at all. I don't remember any of this. Exactly. Because Hammettville is just this reasonably baggy license that people can apparently snap up. Is the first film good?

Yes and no. It's good in terms of it's a good trope-y haunted house film. It's got those bits where the flies are effective. The thing is, it came out at a time when horror was becoming... It was off the back of that. Horror was real now. It was moving away from gothic and the overly

melodramatic horror of Hammer films and Amicus and things, and was evolving. And so Exorcist, The Omen, Amityville, all fell into the kind of... Modern day haunted house. Social realist thing. The entity with Barbara, she's another great example of...

That's a disturbing film. And then Poltergeist. Have you seen The Entity? Yes. It's so disturbing, that film. It's a very weird film with a very strange scene where... And it's like she's being... That relationship she has with the doctor in it. Yes. It's like very weird film with a very strange scene. And it's like she's being...

That relationship she has with the doctor in it. It's like there's something just nasty, icky about it. It's got the same vibe as Exorcist in terms of it's got that science versus the supernatural feel that was going on. But it's not as good a film. No, the entity doesn't really stand up. And the last 20 minutes is pure fucking fantasy

because they recreate her house in a science lab so they can trap the ghost with ice or something it froze all the stuff around it must have had quite a large budget although because that was again because horror was kind of I'm not going to say in vogue but like those films were making

lots of money and so you'd look for the next similar tale I like it but I don't think it stands up like a sort of example of the entity Yeah Isn't it? I like it but I don't think it stands up like a lot of films from the late 70s early 80s

like The Changeling and that you know ending with The Poltergeist Poltergeist is fucking great Because Poltergeist took all of that

and then took it to the Amble and Field Yeah but he's like he also has a sort of Barnum vibe Toby Cooper Do you know what I mean? He can really

he's a real showman Do you know what I mean? He's a real showman as a director He can like really like just it's a nice like spooker blast as as sam raimi would call it has those elements like you say the social realist that had already been building up yeah and i suppose think about what horror was mythical monsters and upper class gens solving spooky stories in the past you know and then it became the period you know it went away from big Gothic mansions and then ended up as small houses on new estates.

Yeah, which is... You moved the stones, but you didn't move the bodies! Yes, that whole thing. But you... Should have done that. It needed to do that, didn't it? Yeah. Because you can't be scared.

You know, Dracula or whatever, it's like this woman in a sort of, you know, like an old-fashioned dress and all of this stuff. Yeah, but horror always... It just sort of removes it from... Horror always really, when it's good, reflects its period quite well. And so when you look at, like, the 50s horror movies,

they were mostly, like, big monsters, ants, you know, swarms. Yeah, nuclear. Yeah, and then the 70s and 80s were all about the kind of upper mobility of the middle classes and things like that and more realistic stories. And then we get to the 80s, the about the kind of upper mobility of the middle classes and things like that, and more realistic stories. And then we get to the 80s, the fantasy came in, and Ghostbusters took the realism, the science of all those films,

and then pushed it back into the phantasmic. Yes, but it was a comedy. Everybody, hello. But Ghostbusters still has strong horror elements, and still has a lot of Lovecraftian elements as well, which is not what a lot of horror was doing mainstream back then. If Dan Aykroyd had anything to do with a film, he'd put something a cult in it like dragnet yeah he put a cult in that but he didn't write that he didn't write that though he must have had some kind of hand

in making it a satanic cult i don't believe so i don't believe so well i think that anyway yeah it was number 12 in the uk charts lovewood starski then sank into a cocaine dependency was imprisoned for possession of illegal substances in 87, and on release in 91, he returned to DJing at the Disco Fever Club. And then he died just a couple of years ago. He died of a heart attack in Las Vegas in 2018, yeah. He died whilst moving speakers out of storage into his apartment. Oh, that's sad.

Very fascinating, always, I've found this record. And I just assumed it was a huge hit because it was so big in my life. Yeah, but not really. I loved it for the novelty reasons. And it has a bit in it where a guy does just random impressions. But is it him? Is it him doing the impressions? Well, you have to look at this. We have to get to the bottom of this. I don't think it is. I think it's just like a guest who's like a voices guy

who he just asked to be on the record. Yeah, but who would that be, though? You know what I mean? Performer, guest star, Curtis Blow. No, Curtis Blow is a rapper. Word by M Rhymes. I've read that wrong, then. Producer, Curtis Blow. Yeah, Curtis Blow's producer.

Steven Loeb. And I thought that was Rod Hull, but it's Rod Hugh or something. But I literally read it as Rod Hull. Who's the impressions guy? It must be Curtis Blow. It's not. And what else does he do? He does Spock

or does he do like does he do like John Wayne or something? But no, he does the Boris Karloff voice. He does Boris Karloff. But this is the other thing I was going to say as well

was isn't there an element of like remember like when we listened to that thing about last podcast on the left talking about hip hop and stuff

and they were saying how the early music was really cheesy and about monsters and Dracula. There was like hip hop Dracula songs. Yes, well gangster rap on the west talking about hip hop and stuff and they were saying how the early music was really cheesy and about monsters and Dracula there was like hip hop Dracula songs yes well gangster rap

on the west coast they started out started with being basically novelty records and that would have been about the same period wouldn't it early to mid 80s

later yeah later no that cheesy stuff would have been probably around the mid 80s wouldn't it so that Starsky

that love book Starsky wouldn't have been so weird then as a result no that's what I mean it's you know wouldn't it so that Starsky that love book Starsky wouldn't have been so weird then as a result no that's what I mean it's you know hip hop had this whole period

where there was a lot of novelty in it wasn't there and that was that period yeah you're right but where was that novelty stuff played was it played in clubs was it radio played

it just seems like they were all kind of daft yeah it's funny isn't it it is funny and then it became more serious obviously yeah well there you go who's doing the impressions you don't know They were all kind of daft. Yeah. It's funny, isn't it? It is funny. And then it became more serious, obviously.

Yeah. Well, there you go. Who's doing the impressions? You don't know. I don't know. What's so weird as well, I think it demonstrates the difference between the way Halloween is celebrated

on either side of the pond. Because in America, you can dress up as a fireman. And that's Halloween. For Halloween. Or you could dress up as a sci-fi character. A muffin a muffin or anything it's just the fact of your dressing up you could dress up as a big squeezy bottle of fairy liquid you see what i'm getting at it doesn't have to be spooky it's sort of like a just a costume yeah uh it's just fancy dress isn't it although there's also the

spooky elements with the with the pumpkins and monsters yeah witches and stuff but here you would go well you, you know, you have to dress up as something horror-adjacent, at least, or something spooky. Yeah, but these days it doesn't really matter. But so on his record, which is like a novelty horror rap record, he's like, yeah, do James T. Kirk. That's Halloween-y.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Oh, I see what you mean. It was just like, let's just... It doesn't matter. Just doing a... Yeah. Which is weird. It's such a weird thing about that record

that he does James T. Kirk impression. It's full of odd. Does he go, Spock, Spock? Because there is that actor who's well known for doing impressions, and I forget his fucking name now. So it might have been someone like him. Yeah, Kevin Pollock.

There's Woody Allen, William Shatner, and Columbo. Kevin Pollock is an actor. He's one of these things where you recognize his face when you see him. But he's well known for doing Captain Kirk. So maybe he turned up to do a few voices on this. I just find it mysterious that you can't find out anything about that. Unless it was Lovebug Starsky or Curtis Blow.

We don't know. Do you know? It wouldn't be Curtis Blow because he was like a... A rapper. Yeah. I know. He did rapping for Christmas. Maybe he did.

He was like one of those really... Maybe his party trick was, Hey, I can do William Shatner. You don't know. Yeah, I don't know that. Anyway, I hope we've set the mood now. We've got the fireplace on. I've just turned it off.

So turn it back on. There you go. It's on. So let's keep on with the spooky, spooky feel. And I've got some spooky books for us to read now. Should we do that? Yes. Yay.

Yay. I've got nothing. You've got nothing turn it off so you've hit on my hideout mighty max well now it's gonna hit on you come max meet my friends that'll stop him playing with my missiles. Fancy a dip in the pool? Have a good look around, Max,

because it's the last thing you'll ever see. Can Max angle his way out, or will he wind up as bait? His fate's in your hands. Ha-ha! Hi, Dr. Dreadful here. And this is the Dr. Dreadful Drink Lab. Makes lots of gross things that taste great! Magic liquid and care for a putrid potion?

Ew! Mmm, tasty! Here, have a squirmy worm! Ha ha ha! Mmm! Now, Dr. Dreadful's grossest goodies. Monster Wart! Excellent!

But Dr. Dreadful Drink Lab makes cobs of gross things again and again. Batteries not included. It's totally... TEN BUCKS! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, sirs. They are the most monstrous and gross. If you love slime, then it's about time for... Ooh, sirs.

It's slime time. Ooh, ooh, ooh, sirs. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, for haunted humans wanted granny gross she's no sweet old lady wanted tombstone taco he's no hero wanted ex-cop he's not on your side to catch these ghosts you need the real ghostbusters there's peter egon winston ray each separately. They're running out fast. Is the fire on? Yes, the fire's on. Are you going to blow off some dust in my face?

No, wait, stop. Let me get to the bit where I blow the dust. Blow off. Now, let me just go to my spooky library of haunted tomes and pull down a few books for us to investigate. Ah, here's some. Oh, it's spooky in here. Yeah.

Ah, ooh, a bit dusty. Let me blow off the dust. Blow off the dust. Oh, it all came off. It all came off. My dusty spores. Oh, is there spores? Yeah.

You can impregnate me in the mouth. No. Yeah. Now, young boy. There's spores in the Is there spores? Yeah You can impregnate me In their mouth No Yeah Now young boy The spores in the dust Come in my mouth And then it'll grow

All tentacle things Coming out my mouth Now All bubbles Now master Eli All squirming in my mouth Shut up Ulcerous worm squirmer

In my mouth I'm trying to make it Scary round here No That was scary If someone blew some fucking spores off a book Into someone's mouth And they got mouth pregnant with squid babies

Yeah you know what When you put it like that it's horrible Imagine opening your mouth one day And all these squid stuff coming out from the gaps in your teeth Exactly So can we get some proper horror tropes going in this The fire's on And that was well spooky It is because the crickle crackle of a fireplace So can we get some proper horror tropes going in this? The fire's on. Yeah, the fire's on.

And that's well spooky. It is, because the crickle crackle of a fireplace. And then you're like, ooh, a library. I blew some dust off. Come on, mate. I want to get the willies. I want to get the hard willies. I've got three books.

I want to get the hard, cold willies. Three books I discovered in charity shops, and they're all spooky books. We're going to start with this one first. This one is one of these books I love finding in charity shops. It's a 70s supernatural book, but it's hardcover, and it's got loads of photographs in, and it's got that nice 70s feel to it. Coffee table books.

It's called Great Hauntings. It's a hardback. If you'd like to see images of everything that appears on the show, you can go to our website. Our spooky website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Very good. On message. Dot com. In the popular tradition, ghosts are spectators of the dead

who haunt romantic locations such as Glamis Castle and the famous Grey Lady. What's the Grey Lady? It's a Grey Lady that haunts that castle in Scotland. Oh, I thought he was listing another location. No. The Grey Lady, like a pub. That'd be a shit name for a pub, wouldn't it? The Grey Lady.

I bet there is one. Imagine what the sign, the Grey Lady, you could have like two ladies' legs, yeah? Yeah. Just cut off from the top, but then there's this huge... Grey buff. Just poking down.

That's a great sign. It's not, actually. The Grey Lady. They call the Grey Lady. Oh, we'll pop into the Grey Lady later when she opens. Kiss me under the merkin. It's a merkin. I'd hate to be there for Christmas.

That's why they call her the Grey Lady, Paul. Because of her merkin. Because of her huge grey merkin. So what, in life she had a merkin? In life she couldn't grow a single pube. Right, so in death she is forever looking for her merkin. She can't find it. No, she has it

on. Right. And she brushes with you. If she brushes the merkin across your face when you're sleeping you've been touched by the Grey Lady. I think Grumpy Sessions actually appeared in a film version of that. No, he was the ice cream man in that, as we all know. Oh, I see. Yeah.

So in this book, it talks about the legend of Bawley Rectory, which is like... That's a very famous one, isn't it? Yeah. We've covered that, I think, in the past somewhere along the line. American Spook Lights. I don't know what that is. American Spook Lights? That's all it says, American Spook Lights.

That sounds like a sort of improv school, doesn't it? Hi, everyone. Yeah, we're the American Spook Lights. I don't know what that is. American Spook Lights? That's all it says, American Spook Lights. That sounds like a sort of improv school, doesn't it? Hi, everyone. Yeah, we're the American Spook Lights. We're going to have some fun tonight. Can I have an object, please? It's a ball. It's an eye. It's a butt plug.

And now we're going to do this. Can you give us a genre, please? A kind of genre of movie. Noir. Porn. Oh, God. We're going to do a noir porn. Okay, everyone, let's do this.

She came into the room spreading her big a noir porn. Okay, everyone, let's do this. She came into the room spreading her big fanny legs. Okay, stop it. Stop it now. I said, what's a dame like this with a huge dildo hanging in her ass doing in a place like this? He's bouncing around the room now. Oh, come on. Read us a ghost story then, Paul.

So this book is full of really interesting stories. It actually is reasonably well written. It's not one of these ones that goes, and there are many sceptics who don't believe this story. It's actually kind of like tonally quite neutral. It just presents these stories. Well, what was the phrase it uses on the back? It says, in the tradition.

In popular tradition, ghosts are spectres of the dead. That's very distancing, isn't it, from the whole argument of reality. Intellectually kind of distancing yourself from the emotional parts of it. So this book's full of, you know, it's all about the Bawley Rectory, which, you know, to be fair, listen to the last podcast on the left, two-parter about that,

because they go into enough detail to get a good idea of the story. What do they think? Do they think there's anything that is unexplained? Yeah. Unfortunately, most of the legend comes from Harry Price who investigated it before it burnt down

in the 30s and they believe he added a lot of he was a big con man no they reckon he added a lot of unnecessary detail to the haunting

which kind of fudged a lot of the genuine stuff that was reported in the past and people came to look poorly on Bawley Rectory

simply because Harry Price I want another rhyme well I'm going to get my confectionery for poor old poorly old poor Bawally Rectory simply because Harry Price I want another rhyme well I'm going to get my confectionery poor old poorly old

poor Bally Rectory fuck you fuck balls cock tits the grey lady brushes you with her merkin and then it talks

about a German office which had its own haunting which I might come back to another time and talk about

this one because it's an interesting story that's in there yeah that's a very interesting story to boil it down to the most basic element it's an interesting story. Oh, that's in there. Yeah, that's a very interesting story.

To boil it down to the most basic element, it's about this office in Germany that had this weird haunting which means the phones were ringing all the time and the power wasn't working

and they got thousands of phone calls and these weird bursts. Yeah, that were coming from inside the office. And no one could disconnect it or anything. Yeah, it's a weird story.

That is very strange. They think it's poltergeist. They should do a film with that. Maybe they have. They could do one a bit like Fincher's Zodiac where it's weird it's a weird story very strange they think it's poltergeist film with that maybe they have we do want a bit like Fincher's Zodiac where it's just a bit unsettling and nothing really is explained yeah

they could do something like that but it's you know an interesting story it does spin off into maybe a poltergeist tale later on when they think it might have been attached to one of the

ladies yeah but I want what we're gonna do to tell the story like they start getting killed by the no one gets killed the phone flies into her eye. No. And the skull

explodes. And then there's a huge electric shock monster. And he's coming out and he's like. No, do you know what it sadly is?

It's mostly, the story is full of mostly German office workers going, this would not do. It's literally like they don't.

They don't like the chaos of it. This is not good. It is affecting our business. Can we please sort this sort this out yeah but what is the story you are going to read me today paul there's an interesting chapter in this book called ghosts without souls and what they're specifically talking about oh a ghost like no face what's no face out of spirited away oh it's a mask yeah it's just this void it's a void it's not that it's more like a ghost with no soul ghosts of buses

or trains. You know, things like that. And for some reason, pigs. They don't consider pigs have souls. Well, that's the Christian tradition. Is it? Yes. Pigs have souls. No, that no animal has a soul. Yeah, only humans have souls. Why do they bother saving them for the ark?

Because it's nice to eat them. They're there for you. All the seeds and the herbs are there for you and the pigs. So this one story comes from the Tower of London, and it's a ghost without a soul, apparently, and it's an interesting story. I shall read it thus. So this comes from the Tower of London, which is saturated with ghosts, apparently.

It's a very old building, isn't it? It's bursting with ghosts. Lots of murders, lots of executions. Many deaths. Mary, Queen of Scots, died there, didn't she, or something. But she apparently haunts three locations around the UK.

Yeah, it's bullshit. She's busy. I think it's the main ghost in the Tower of London and then some helper ghosts helping her out in a busy period. No, but honestly,

are there any ghosts whose hair could be pubic keeps growing? I don't know. And is there any they've been depicted like with a huge bush? There's been no study on ghost pubis. There's been no study on ghost pubis. I don't know. And is there any they've been depicted like with a huge bush? There's been no study

on ghost pubis. There's been no study on ghost. I'm just thinking these ghostly zombie-like figures with huge bushes dragging on the ground. Paranormal,

paranormal pubi. Draggy, draggy bush mother. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right, continue. So the man who made this entry is a guy called Edmund

Lenthal Swift, who in 1814 was appointed Keeper of the Crown Jewels and was in the office until 1842. The account of what he saw on Sunday

evening of October 1817 is best left to him. And now this is from this is from him. They don't have the actual date in October. Just says October 1817. This is what Ed to him. And now this is from him. They don't have the actual date in October. Just says October 1817.

This is what Edmund says. I was at supper with the wife, our little boy, and my wife's sister in the sitting room of the jewel house, which is said to have been the doleful prison of Anne Boleyn and one of the ten bishops whom Oliver Cromwell piously accommodated there. Do you like the voice? Is it spooky? It's working for me.

I'm getting the willies. Willies. The doors were all closed, heavy, with dark curtains draped up front of them. Oh, yeah. The only light in the room. There's no... Beef curtains. No, there's no...

Sorry. There's no pubis hanging up. I'm getting... I just can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about it. Can't stop thinking about you by huge ghostly grey merkins engulfing my face. The only light in the room was that of two candles upon the table. A flatter flatter. I sat at the front of the table, my son on the right, my wife fronting the chimney piece,

which sounds fucking filthy. Oh my God! What's that phrase about? It's just in front of it. Probably, yeah. And my sister was on the opposite side. Oh yeah. I had offered a glass of wine and water to my wife,

and when on putting it to her lips, she paused and exclaimed, Good God, what is that? Spunk, love. Stop ruining my spooky story. I'm sorry, I can't. Try to not think about ghost puke. Spunk. I looked up and saw a cylindrical figure like a glass tube.

Something about the thickness of my arm. Oh, the subtext. Hovering between the ceiling and the table, the contents appeared to be a dense white fluid. I'm not joking, this is what it says. Incessantly rolling and mingling within the cylinder. You know what this reminds me of though, just now thinking?

Prince of Darkness. Because in that there's a big cylinder that contains evil. That's going to be a scientific thing, isn't it? Yeah, but it's all quantum devil thing. But that's what I'm thinking of now. I'm thinking of a creamy white cylinder. So bizarre. What is it, like ectoplasm?

It doesn't say. It just says it looked like a tube of swirling white liquid. This lasted about two minutes. When it began to move away from my sister-in-law, following the oblong shape of the table before my son and myself, it passed behind my wife, paused for a moment over her right shoulder, observed that there is no mirror opposite in which she could then behold it." Though she's saying she didn't know it was behind her, I guess.

Instantly she crouched down and with both hands covering her shoulders she shrieked out, Oh Christ, for it has seized me! With both hands covering her shoulders? She grabbed the shoulders like this. I hope this guy was a good guardsman or whatever, because he was a terrible writer. She went, oh! And grabbed his shoulders.

Why would you fucking say that? Maybe it's how they wrote back then. Like that. Yeah. Specifically, she went into the sort of brace position. Yeah. Right, okay. And says, it has seized me!

The huge dildo filled with cum. Even now, as I write, I feel the horror of that moment. I caught up my chair, striking at the appearance with a blow that hit against the wainscot behind her. It's part of the room for whatever. Wainscotting. I think it's that stuff, the boarding at the bottom, isn't it? Okay.

It then crossed the upper end of the table and disappeared into the recess in the opposite window. And that's the end of the story. That is a good one, isn't it? Because it's very formless and it's very... It's not soulless, but we just don't know what it is. It has no specifics that tie it to one person. No, all he saw was apparently a glass tube full of spunk.

Yeah. And it took his wife from behind. Yeah. I think there's sort of a what you know what paging Dr. Freud

sort of thing going on there isn't there yeah I was there I'd say yeah if I was the policeman he's told him about that

I'd go listen son wank it off just wank it off have a wank I've seen a spooky ghost sir yes oh come Phil do how dare you said

take my story for humour, for it is a true story of horror. She was fronting my mucky place. Let me repeat the story again to you, officer. I want this taken down in the clearest possible manner. My wife, bent forward over a table, was screaming, it has seized me. And the spunk tube grabs her.

Wank it off, mate. So there we go. Book number one. No, that was fascinating because it could even be reinterpreted by people who look at that now and saying, oh, it was some kind of thing that's not supernatural.

Do you know what I mean? Like some kind of time travel or alien thing. You know? It could fit into those things as well. It could be anything. Yeah. It could be anything. But in our minds,

it could be some kind of atmospheric effect or something, you know? Could have been a tube of whisper of air or something. We just don't know. We just don't know. A little cyclone, maybe. Yeah. Book number two. Oh, he's been peering out at me.

That's been giving me the willies. Yeah, it's called Ghost Hunting with Derek Acora, star of TV's Most Haunted. He didn't fucking write this either, did he? I bet he did. Or certainly he sat in a corner drunk recounting it to someone as they typed it down yeah and then fucking sam he fucking out all that shit yeah so look at him peering out this book is a collection of his adventures as a ghost hunter his stories and i was reading through it very briefly and they're all kind of the same but this one might be the

dullest ghost story i've ever fucking heard in my life. Would you like to hear it? I'm ready. So, it's called A Call to the Local Radio Station. And you can imagine his face. Look at his fucking face looking at me. And I will adjust my Scouse accent to fit the book. Okay, good. I recall being contacted by a DJ called Peter

from the local radio station. A lady called Sandra had written to him from her home in the world. Yeah, that's where I'm from. Me, Paul, not Derek. Come on, I like the accent. To tell him that she was being bothered by strange occurrences in her kitchen. Lights would be switched on and off randomly. The

kitchen was always cold no matter what steps she took to heat it and she's also aware of a feeling of being watched when she's in the room. She's very worried and asked Peter whether he could help by contacting someone who might be able to help her. I arranged to meet Peter at her house later that week. We arranged at the appropriate time outside a modern semi-detached house no more than 10 years old and we were met at the door by Sandra. See what he's doing there,

he's saying see ghosts can be anywhere not just oldles. It's even a modern house like this. She ushered us into a bright sitting room where she told us of the curious event she'd been experiencing. I asked Sandra to take me to the kitchen area. Immediately I entered and I felt

the atmosphere change. I doubt whether this could have been picked up by any equipment, but it would easily have been discernible to a sensitive such as myself. No, you wouldn't be able to do it with science. But I felt it because I'm special. However, the sudden and dramatic drop in temperature would easily have been registered by even the most rudimentary of thermometers

and would have been noticeable to anyone walking in the room. I looked around. There was a draft. And there was all the usual items in the kitchen, a cooker, a toaster, a washing machine, etc. My attention was drawn to the refrigerator, which was standing in a small alcove next to the back door. You've had problems with your freezer, haven't you? I said.

Yes, said Sandra. No, this is... There have been countless problems with it, and yet the engineer could figure out nothing wrong with it. I think you'll find, I said yes said Sandra this is there have been countless problems with it and yet the engineer could figure out nothing wrong with it I think you'll find I said that your problems are being caused by a man in spirit which is how he talks about dead people who has had links with this house lives in the freezer but with a building from a previous time on this land she agreed that before the small housing state in which she lived had been built, a farmhouse

and outbuilding had stood on the land beforehand. I described the man to her, and although she said she'd never met the farmer, of fucking course. Why could she fucking meet the fucking farmer? Why would she meet a dead farmer who hasn't been there for fucking years? Because he thought maybe he recognised him from poking his head out the

fridge and going, alright. Alright there mate. Calm down. I've got a fucking cow here. She was well aware that, okay, so even though she'd not met the farmer or knew him, but she was aware that he had a bad temper and no one was welcoming him to his land.

So what? You come back from the dead to fuck up with someone's freezer. Anyway, I told Sandra that after he had passed to the spirit, he very much resented the fact that a distant family member had sold the farmhouse and the property to a developer. He was demonstrating his displeasure by coming into her house and playing with her refrigerator. I know you have two children, I said. Would one of them happen to be a very sensitive boy? And she agreed that her son was indeed a most sensitive and shy child. The spirit man is using Adam's energy to help him in destructive ways, I told her.

The way to go about this is for me to get close to Adam's psychic energies and absorb them away from the man. He will then be unable to get up to his tricks, because he won't be strong enough. And she said, get the fuck out of my house, you fucking... Well, maybe she was Irish. I mean, literally, he says, Sandra was a bit dubious.

Don't touch my fucking son. And she thought that his son might have to take part in some ritual. But I showed that all I would need to do is meet Adam and hold his hand for a moment or two. She was relieved. Sandra agreed I should meet again when Adam and his sister was there. I warned that it would be best

to empty the fridge freezer and turn it off until I returned as I felt that the spirit man knowing I was about to cut off his energy would attempt to cause a big problem

with the piece of equipment in one last act of defiance. This guy's such a fucking hack. It's like, you know, at least in Ghostbusters you open the fridge and there's a demon dog inside. It's like, no,

he's an angry farmer who hates your fridge. I was happy to report that after meeting Adam and his sister I was able to put the end to the problem that Sandra and their family

had been experiencing due to the old farmer and then I went that's 500 quid love yeah right so that's basically the story

fuck him what a horrible cunt yeah do you know what I mean like cunt well I shall be talking about him and my experiences with him in my forthcoming book, Paul Gannon Ain't Afraid of No Ghost, on Unbound.

That's some things to say. Link on our website. Not much to say. He was a psychic and I consider them all frauds. Nice guy, but I think he was believing the shit he was peddling. There, that's my opinion. Yeah. So we have one more book to end this spooky Halloween session.

Are you ready? I have to say, Paul, I have not been scared except by my own imagination of the Merkin tribe of zombie... Well, Merkin zombies. Well, stay tuned because for our next book,

you're going to literally become... Is there any muff hair in this? No. Fucking... Whoa! You fucking ruined that. Fuck you. Creepy crawlers.

You can make a bug, make a worm, make a slug. Creepy crawlers. How creepy can you make them? Not creepy enough. So get busy. Pour the plastic goop. For gory details, use goop effects. Once the hideous bug maker does its work,

you'll have stomach-churning, disgustingly realistic bugs! Now that works! What could be creepier? Creepy Kramer's Bug Maker. Light bulb not included. Refills each sold separately from Jack's Pacific. Psst! Over here! I'm a-bogglin'! Me and my buddies need a place to hide out! Come a little closer! Oh, did I scare you? Oh, I do that so well. If you take us home, we'll kiss your Aunt Martha.

We'll eat your peas. And we hope you know lots of girls. Hey, the name's Boglets. You sold separately and we're looking for good homes. Maybe yours. I heard him yelling in the castle fix me his face big frank fix me i said i'm going to fix you monster big frank i'll fix you big frank monster boys fixed good how do you feel now frank

How do you feel now, Frank? I'm alive. It's always fun to fix him. I'm not a monster, Big Frank. Thank you. Big Frank talks and his eyes light up. Batteries not included. Fix me.

This next book, Mr. Silverman, Are you going to blow off? gives you the chance to be a ghost hunter because we're going to be playing Choose Your Own Adventure 52, Ghost Hunter by Edward Packard, the originator of the Choose Your Own Adventure 52 Ghost Hunter by Edward Packard the originator of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. It's either one

because there were a few authors who wrote them, weren't there? Yeah, but he was the guy who started it all off. It all off. Certainly mainstreamed it. Was he somehow associated with role-playing games

earlier on? There's a really good video on Toy Galaxy recently about this chain of books and they talk about how basically he used to be the guy used to read stories to his kids at night and one day he ran out of ideas

he said what do you think they should do next they went oh that's good and then developed it I don't know. And that's the end of this low-key, cheap show Halloween special. Did I give you the willies? No. Did I give you a half a willy? I gave you half a semi-willies. A semi-willies. I gave you the semi. I was scared by my own vision of the Merkin.

The grey lady and her Merkin of death. Jerking to Merkin. I will be. So, if you'd like to support us on Patreon it is patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can and if you decide to there's access to videos and magazines

and behind the scenes stuff and extra stuff thank you so much lots of lovely extras for you to dive into if you decide to join the fold pictures for this episode on our website thecheapshow.co.uk you keep saying someone's about to turn up? Keep looking at your watch. I know, I know.

I'm expecting someone. Who? What? Why haven't you told me about this? I've got a confession to make. What? I've got a horrible truth to reveal. Who's coming in the house of eggs, mash, and sausage?

Tell me. I mean, why? Shut up. Go on about it. It's really hard to fucking tell you who is coming when you keep fucking going on about the question itself. But who is?

So, have you ever wondered have you ever wondered how we got the podcast back? I have, you know. How did we get the podcast? I thought we just dropped it as a sort of gimmick thing a few weeks ago I spoke to Biffo And why was there he said he'd be happy to give me the podcast back. Oh, hey good if I did one

favor for him, what's that? Okay, so not him directly. I Thought I'd do a favor for someone else What and then we'd get our podcast back. Fine, we've got it back then. You did the favour, yeah? You did it. I'm about to do the favour. What?

That's what I'm saying. No, I don't like what you're saying. What do I have to do? Who's that? This is the favour. Come in. Oh, hello, it's me. It's the Venus.

The Venus is here. Paul, what the fuck is Venus doing here? I don't like this. Why is he in here? I, what the fuck is Venus doing here? I don't like this. Why is he in here? I made a deal to help Venus, and if I did this thing, we'd get our podcast back. And I said I'd do it at Halloween when the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest.

And so, um, Venus, tell them... You tell them what you want. Venus wants your eyes, Eli. Eli's? And the beans? What the fuck is he... what? Paul, he wants my eyes. I don't understand. I said... I said I'd give Beans...

Fucking you did what? ...your eyes. Well, I'm going. I'm leaving. No, get back here. Come here. Stay there. Fuck off! Stay there. Beans, tell him what you need the eyes for. What does he need the eyes for?

The bean demon wants your eyes. What's the eyes for beans? Is it beans for the bean demon? He wants my eyes to start some kind of apocalypse based on beans. Yes, and your eyes are going to be the keys to opening that portal. I just need, I'm sorry. You're on my shit list now. I said I'd do this.

I said I'd do this. Just lie down and take it like a- No, I won't. I said I'd do this just just lie down and take it I won't let I will not come on Get off me. Oh, it's scooping time.ing now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yes, Nick is like Nick. Get right in the bean eyes. He's got a lovely scream, isn't he? Oh, I like the scream. Oh, it's getting wet, isn't it? Oh, look at all that juice.

Here you are, oh, Venus Lord. Take these eyes and do as I will. Two beautiful bean eyes for the beanus. Now with these I can bring about the bean apocalypse on earth and the beans.