CheapShow - Ep 255: Dear Jason

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

It's all been a bit hectic, the last few months or so, hasn't it? It's about time that Eli and Paul get back to basics and deliver some solid economy comedy... Just as soon as Eli stops complaining about his new eyes. In fact, it's a bit of a roller coaster for Eli this week as he also receives some good Cup Noodle news and some bad Cup Noodle news. Is this the reason Paul needs to finally pull the plug on all this instant noodle nonsense? There is also a big grab bag of quality tat in this week's "Price of Shite" full of weird and not very wonderful things. Before all that though, Paul wants to express his love to his new celebrity crush. Eli definitely does not want to hear about it! Join us, if you dare, to find out more! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-255-dear-jason And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid And thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album

Oh, Paul, I've got new eyes. Oh, I've noticed. Fucking suck. Straight in. You know, they don't look too bad. Fuck off. It doesn't look too bad. They don't fucking work properly.

What do you mean they don't work properly? They're someone else's eyes. Whose eyes are these that you got for me that I'm being very calm about because I have much puffiness around the skin. Yeah, it's very puffy. It looks like you've had a big fight, but the eyes are settling in. I mean, one is brown and one is blue, but it's fine. It's a bit of a David Bowie look. It's a bit of a David Bowie look for

Eli. Two-tone eyes on the night of tomorrow. That could be a lyric. I wouldn't know. Two-tone eyes, she came down the morrow. Look, the bottom line is, who are you? You've got pantry girl. You've got new eyes. Pantry girl with your milk ladle.

I've got two eyes in me head, yo, baby. Is that the Happy Gnome phase of his career? Pantry girl. Pantry girl. Where's your undercarriage poultice at your heart's soul? Wait, shut up, because this episode is not Eli Silverman performs this David Bowie. No, it's time for me to perform

before we move on whose fucking eyes are these I know one of them they're making me feel funny I know one of them is John Cunney holes I know one of them

is the John Cunney they're two I have Frankenstein eyes I don't know where the second one I've got two different eyes from two different people the problem is

after being this left with your eyes last week I had to call Brandoff to get the operation sorted on the cheap you bought eyes from Brandoff so that's how you got your eyes last week, I had to call Brandoff to get the operation sorted on the cheap. You bought eyes from Brandoff. So that's how you got your eyes. I fucking...

Listen, we've got patrons. Can't you spend some fucking decent money? I thought you were going to say, we've got patrons. Can we take their eyes instead? No, I would never say that. All right, I'm just saying. I'm just saying you could have spent a few pounds more, Paul, to get me decent eyes that at least came from the same corpse.

This cost £400 just to get me decent eyes that at least came from the same corpse. This cost £400 just to get you those two eyes and a slapdash back alley eye operation. Who put the eyes in? It was Biscuits, wasn't it? Put the eyes in. He's trying his hand at anything, that guy. I know he has been for a while

practising as a surgeon. Dr Biscuits. Dr Biscuits? Fuck you. Him and Brandoff have got this kind of new scheme going on where they do like, you know, cheap operations. Well, I tell you what, Paul, I'm getting some weird effects with these eyes.

Oh, yeah? I can see stuff. Yeah? But I also can see, I mean, stuff that's actually there. Yeah. Like the real world, I assume. Yeah. And, but there's...

It's like the eyes of Laura Marsh. There's other stuff. Is that what the film's called? The Eyes of Laura Marsh or something? I don't know what you're talking about. Where she can see the serial killers' actions through her eyes. Well, I can see what John Cunninghall did day to day. Is it mostly wanking?

No. Is it? What is it? He's working in some small place in the Netherlands. Well, he was until he was shot in the head. Stationery company or something. Yeah, but until he was shot in the head. I can't remember what he used to do. So it's hard for me to do this bit he was a character what was his thing

maybe we could come up with it right now he was in an episode he goes hello i'm john connor that was it that was the sentence right so him so famous did you know paul and that's why i had him shot in the head in our die hard episode you know what john i can see his past life coming through my eyes. Yeah. He used to be a middle-level manager in a stationary manufacturer. So what? You can see pencils. Hello, my name's Eli Silverman and I can see pencils.

I can see a lot of ledgers. Yeah? Yeah, ledgers and like... Hello, Cheap Show listener. Do you think Eli's comedy idea is going anywhere? I don't. Fuck you. Right, I'm going to sing a song about a pantry girl and her poultice.

No, we're not. We're going to get on with the show. Poultice tray in the moonlight. We've got the cliffhanger from last week sorted. Bring it out on the shelf. We don't need anything else. The poultry girl in the moonlight pantry. The cold open is now done and now it's time for titles.

All right. Titles, please. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go get it! People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. Off-ramp ramp off-ramp It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon. That's... Can we do it again? The whole beginning again. Hello, my name's Paul Gannon and that's... Oh, Paul, I don't know about this anymore. Eli. I've got to say my name! I hello my name's paul gannon and that's oh paul i don't know about this anymore

eli i've got to say my name i say my name when you point at me listen i can say my name it's intros like this that put off potential new listeners well let's welcome them in here's such a selection you listed the episode for the first time and you hit with a barrage of lost eyeballs and you decided to do the bit with the lost eyeballs may i remind you get to the episode for the first time and you're hit with a barrage of lost eyeballs you decided to do the bit with the lost eyeballs may I remind you to get up the cliffhanger from the cliff episode

I felt very uneasy about even portraying someone whose eyes are scooped out because it's a thing in literature like James Joyce his whole thing

was about losing his sight it was this whole sort of yeah it's a weird thing when you compare in Cheap Show to James Joyce and also in

fucking Rosemary's Baby. That's what happens to the guy that Don Cassavetes' character replaces in the play, isn't it? Is it? He goes blind. It's been a while since I've seen that. It's really satanic and weird, all right? Yeah. And I'm looking at that fucking pumpkin we did, and its eyes are all filled with grey, fungoid pus growth.

The eyes of John Cunneyhole. I wonder what joys they will bring in future episodes, like the idea I had about my severed arm from a year ago. That paid off tenfold. Now, Paul, in a serious way, I'm Eli Silverman. This is Cheap Show. Thank you and welcome. Thank you for being on the show, Paul.

Can I just say that? Economy Comedy Podcast, where Eli and I go for the bargain bins, charity shops and power lands of Great Britain, and we pick out the treasure amongst the trash. And abroad abroad sometimes. Sometimes when we get... For instance, how we're starting off this week's show is from a little package from abroad.

I've never been abroad with you. No. No. Problem is you hate France and the French. That's not the reason why I never leave the country. I mostly never leave the country because I can't afford to leave the country. So, woo, Eli. Tell it to the judge. Tell it to the judge tell it to the

judge tell it to the lord we've got something international coming up on the show straight in we're going straight in okay no fucking about nice simple episode this week no plots no exaggerated characters no uh sfx heavy segments just me and you top bands made okay but will there be can I do more songs like improvised songs? Please. Yeah, no, this can be your thing this week. You can do improvised songs that I will quickly tire of and regret allowing you to do.

And cut out of the episode? Yes. Right, this is a package that has been sent to us. I'll tell you what, that's not a package, mate. Yeah, go on. This is a package. I'm not looking at that. Come on.

I'm not looking at your daft little mound. I'm double scooping it. You have a daft penis. You've never seen it. I've imagined it many times in my head. I don't know if you should be saying that.

It looks like a goblin's nose. Just acknowledge the double scoopage action going on when I say that's a package. Yeah, grab that and mostly your thigh where there is no cock.

Listen. Just put it reaching. I can reach down between my legs with both hands. Yeah, but then say package. Hang on. Package.

All right. Package. What's in this fucking package? Package. Package. Oh, he's wanking. Actually wanking. Package.

Oh. Package. Let's see the vinegar face. Package. Package. Oh, I'm sorry. I started that now. You know. Package. Yeah. Package. Oh, I'm sorry. I started that now. Package.

Yeah, Splunk. Splunk a Splunk. Spunky, spunky, spunk. And that's how, ladies and gentlemen, you defuse an Eli situation. You take his idea and you ruin it.

Pick up the letter. So this comes from... What does? A package, yes. Yes, we've had a lot of packages sent to us recently in the PO box and because of the way

Cheap Show's been with our 200th and the Halloween and all the specials, we've got a backlog to get through. So we will get to them in time if you send stuff. I've got a backlog of packages. Yes, you've got a backlog of hard packages to deal with.

This package this week, I wanted to get it out of the way because it's something really delightful. I think it will cheer you up after your eye situation. This comes from Chris, who lives in... Fukuoka. Fukuoka in Japan. How's it written down? It's

F-U-K-U-O-K-A but phonetically Fukuoka. Phonetically it's F-U-K-U-O-K-A phonetically. So Chris who lives in

Fukuoka. Fukuoka. Fukuoka. Dear Paul and Eli in no particular order you'll see how he's kind of got his cake and eaten it with that opening statement. It'soka. Fukuoka. Dear Paul and Eli, in no particular order, you'll see how he's kind of got his cake and eaten it with that opening statement. It's fine, it's fine.

You know what, Paul? I've realised in my soul that I am superior. I don't need to, like, you know, name order. I'm past that. I don't need to be named first to know about my supremacy.

Finish this off. I don't... Finish this off and I'll get on with the letter. Just go on. It's done. You've deflated me. I'm on full deflation mode today.

I know, you really are. Right. I've been a big fan of Cheap Show for some time now, but this is the first time sending anything into the podcast. Knowing Eli's undying love for the original

Nissan Cup noodle, I couldn't not pick up this item when I saw it in a convenience store i'm getting a bit of a tinge now i'm gonna get this out for you now and i think you're gonna enjoy this i'm getting a noodle i do at this point want to state that uh the recent noodle special which is brilliant we had a lot of fun with was our lowest viewed episode listened episode to date proving my point that noodle content is not where we're going and I'll be stamping down on that

pretty severely over the coming weeks and months. That's weird. There's some kind of conspiracy there. We've been muted by someone. You think that's what it is? There must be some reason. Noodles are the very bedrock, Paul.

I think you've overestimated the poodle. The poodle? The noodle poodle. You've overestimated the noodle... What's the word when you're apathy? What if you had like a ladle that you used to pick up...

Noodle ladle. Dog poo. And you could call it a poodle. A poodle noodle ladle. A poodle noodle ladle from the planet who I want to get down, baby, with you. Here's the item that Chris has sent. Close your eyes, actually. It's not horrible.

I'm not out to trick you I just want you to see it you know brand new in your hand here we go I'm passing the item to him now and Eli will then tell you

what's in his hand ooh ooh what is it this is a it's a 50th anniversary product for Nissan yeah

a cup noodle is it a model noodle no it's a real noodle read the front what it says there. Here. On the front. That's not...

Special package version for the 50th anniversary. Yeah, look at the actual plastic front. With the fucking front. The opposite of the bit you're reading now is the front. You're looking at the back. You've tracked every side but on the front. Oh, here. Special package version.

That's not... Read that. Pouch. It's a pocket. It's a purse. Oh, I can see it. It's fucking... I can see that it's made of leatherette now.

Fabric. Oh, mate, this is fucking excellent. Open it up. I don't want to destroy it. Well, just be careful then. Oh, it's got a tab. Oh, it's got a nice tab. I can cut all the bits out where you fiddle

with your big, dumb sausage hands over the packaging. Fucking shut up this is oh I should I keep it in mint on card in box though oh I don't know

no I mean I don't think it's going to be a collector's thing because you're going to want that for all of your days aren't you

oh yeah right he's now got the Swiss Army knife carefully cutting the plastic tab holding the pouch within that's the scent

of Japan. It's got a lovely scent, man. Lovely new, almost... Can I have a sniff now? I didn't want to, but now I do. New car sort of smell to it. Oh, yeah, it does. Do you know what I mean?

It's got that kind of, you know, water wings that you have in school when you're swimming smell. Yeah, that plastic sort of... Quite nostalgic, do you know what I mean? Look at that. This is a fantastic thing. So, just in case we haven't made it clear,

it is a cup noodle pot, but it's not a real one. It's a little purse pouch type thing made of plasticized leather. What fabric is that? Sort of fake leather, I believe. But it's got the texture of leather. It's got the cat ears. And the zip goes around the top. It's got the two cat ears peelers.

And it's got the little cat face inside oh look at that that is so good and the bottom of it inside yeah what's in has the little pictures of the little

bits that you get the little dehydrated bits yeah little bits of prawn and tofu should I take this as well oh it's got a little stiffener in it

yeah that you know keeps the oh that means the whole sides there it's a lovely thing illustrated like but what do you use it well I don't know, keeps the... Oh, that means the whole side's there. It's a lovely thing. Illustrated, like, but what do you use it? Well, I don't know.

I guess it's a pouch. It's probably mostly for, let's be honest, girls to keep things in, like, you know. Shut up. What are you talking about? Well, it just looks like

it's a more feminine product than a male. Why is it feminine? It's a fucking cup noodle. You're saying boys aren't allowed to eat cup noodles? You know what? I shouldn't have

fucking said anything. Why is it feminized? How is it feminized? It's a purse? No. Is that what you're't have fucking said anything. Why is it feminised? How is it feminised? It's a purse. No. Is that what you're trying to fucking say, Paul? Is it, though? So what is your suggestion, then?

Because all I said was, it might be more aimed towards a female market. Yes, because it's a... Show me the little paper on the inside. See if it gives me any more information. There is a picture of a lady holding it. Holding it. Cup noodle, 50th anniversary, special package ver.

Oh, look, it's got loads of information inside. It's all in Japanese. It's a fantastic thing. It's probably about the history. Oh, there's some... There's a... Wow. Do you know what they've got in here which you can buy?

It's a cup noodle. Party popper. So it looks like one of those, but a cone. And you pop it and fake noodles come out and stuff. Oh, my've got all the products in here mate child oh look at that t-shirt yeah oh there's all sorts of stuff there's a tie they've come full out haven't they there's a big bag she's got a big shopping tote do you think they gave like look at the size of that they gave the creative people at nissan like all the crack and went come up with merch that's what they must have yeah but it is a very loved brand i think yeah isn't it yeah yeah yeah look this is like

the timeline i wish i could read japanese man i'm gonna cut it so it just says i wish i could read oh that's the whole timeline talking to the mic the mic. Fuck me. Sorry, I'm just looking at it. I tried another two of those. Oh, yeah. So let's do a quick update of that then. I'll just grab them, okay? Oh, right. Well, then I'll look into this then.

So, yeah, this dangles from like pockets. Someone's dangling this little cup thing from their belt pocket. It's kind of weird. And in it, it looks like they've just got a collection of rubbers and pencils. So maybe it's like a pencil case maybe i don't know but there are others available there's a seafood one bigger ones i don't know there's a fucking load of stuff in here do it now i don't know what that means but there's a man with a micro microscope i don't know what that's all about so it looks like there's a

range of these little pouches and like some of them someone's got um um what was it gonna say there's a range yeah there's a range of them of different sizes of those kind of pouches this is the original design but the original flavor with it looks like yeah um pullers it looks like someone's use it as a pencil case so maybe it's a kind of pencil case that's what i think it really is it's dangling from someone's belt loop which is good it's got which didn't mention it has a a little key ring loop on the zip I fucking love that

it's like the original cup noodle design so it's the classic cup noodle design but we did have for the 50th anniversary noodle episode

we did if you remember you left a bunch of them with me to try and I did eat a couple do a quick review of those while I do some of that well I need you to

fucking translate these for me spicy pork is that one. Miso. Ah, okay. So you've got... Spicy pork and miso. Yes, spicy pork.

They were very similar, actually, Paul, these two. They were delicious, let me say. They really have the best of these style. The pot noodle style, we'd call them in Britain, I guess. The pot noodle style noodle in a container. I think they're the best at it. And both of these had sort of these sort of bits of dehydrated bits of meat bits, you know, like the soya bits you get in a pot noodle, those kind of things.

But they do those so much better. And there's a load of dehydrated like cabbage and stuff that really regains some proper texture when it takes on the hydration. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And they're much better at that, it seems, getting those things in. But they were similar tasting, delicious broth,

like not completely clear broth, but much sort of less floury than a pot noodle again. And the bits were just sort of delicious. God, I'm getting hungry thinking about those. So you'd give them what out of five? I'd give them both four and a half at least. They were really good. Now let's move on move on also flavors i've never seen before noodle content is our least popular content now people just want to make that clear that we're moving on now

can i say thanks to chris again it's good to know actually that chris thank you thank you chris i will treasure that honestly i think it's a beautiful beautiful thing and the back i've just translated the back of this thing and it says you can use it for cosmetics makeup or uh small bits of like stationery and things noodles no it doesn't say noodles in fact one of the things it says is do not put noodles in it or sharp objects so i guess it's quite a thick fabric it'll get cut um before we move on i just wanted to say there's also a big bag of candy in here as well we're not going to get into it now we can save it for a froth shop because i think we're going now i'm quite i think we're going now because it's all candy we'll save for the froth shop next week there's loads of things in here there's yogurt sugar tablets

jelly beans soda jelly lemon sugar tablets marble chocolates i like a banana coffee they're all kind of a range of uh we'll go into it next week but they're all kind of little packets of sweets and candy yogurt sugar and then there's a and then we's a... And then we've got all... Yogurt. And then we've got all the grape and soda flavoured stuff. There's melon soda, pineapple soda, cola sodas, orange soda.

There's chewing gum, soft chews, mint, grape and orange salted bubble gum. There's also some rice crackers in here. Can I look at those? We'll have a look next... Can I just have a look?

They're in the box. But we're going to go into it next week where we can give it the proper time and attention. I'm starving. Yeah, well, don't eat them now because that's just candy. We'll save it for the fr into it next week where we can give it the proper time and attention. I'm starving. Yeah, well, don't eat them now because that's just candy. We'll save it for the froth shop next week.

Okay. Because we're due a visit, aren't we? Aren't we? To the froth shop? You know what? I'm fucked off with you today. I don't know why you've pissed me off. How have I pissed you off?

I'm just trying to be... You're just belligerent. I gave you a nice present. Jason gave you a nice present. Chris. Chris as well gave you a nice present. Who's this Jason? Shh.

What do you mean, shh? Donovan. I've been having an affair with Jason Donovan. Oh, yeah? Together forever and never to part. Together forever, it's true. That's what he sings to me. And don't you know I would move heaven and earth

to be together forever with you, Paul. How would you move heaven and earth, though? It's a metaphor, isn't it? Yeah, for what? Trying really hard and failing. Why are you attacking the art of making a love song now? I'm attacking that metaphor. It's lazy.

I would move heaven and earth. There are lazier metaphors. Oh, he's moved heaven and earth. What does it fucking mean? In much more successful songs that you like. He's moved two different fucking things. You couldn't move the earth. You've heard the expression,

I'd move heaven and earth. Yeah, but I've just only realised how absurd it is, Paul. Yes, it is absurd. How utterly absurd it is. Absurdity is the point of the message, isn't it? No, it's not.

I would do something unsurmountable for your love. How would you do it? You'd fail then. If it's unsurmountable, you couldn't do it. I hate you. And he said I would do it.

He said I would move heaven and earth. Have you ever written a love letter? Yes, I have. Have you ever written a love letter? I have it here. I hate you. And he said I would do it. He said I would move heaven and earth. Have you ever written a love letter? Yes, I have. Have you ever written a love letter? I have it here. I have it here. Who'd you write it to? Myself. You wrote a love letter to yourself? Dear Eli, I know times are troubling for you now. It's not a

love story, is it? But I... It's not negatively, it's not good, is it? I love you. Yeah. And I would move heavy but movable and realistic objects for you like a rock love eli that's awful there's no emotion in there it's a funny shaped letter give me the letter it's a very l-shaped i'll read you my letter now instead i'll read you my letter here's what's your letter to me no dear jason donovan ever since i saw you in neighbors my heart soared like a seagull cast its wings upon this ocean floor shadow

nonsense i'm sorry there was nonsense out your mouth now there young man don't interrupt my love letter i didn't interrupt yours yeah at least mine had actual sentences not cast what the fucking going on with this seagull now when i saw you sing with kylie minogue i cast myself as the role of kylie when you kissed her upon the lips my heart was yours from that moment dear jason i went to see you in multi-colored swap shop coat whatever that fucking whatever that musical's called did you hear me shout your name? Did you, Jason? I love you, Jason. Anyway, Jason, I know you're not as successful as you are now,

so maybe that will mean you'll lower your standard. I know you are not successful as you are now. Yes. That's what you just said. I wrote this ages ago. You wrote it when you were stupid, did you, Paul? Yes. And semi-illiterate and unable to improvise a letter.

Anyway. I've written a letter to you. Now that you're not as famous anymore, Jason, why can't you kiss me and be mine? I love you, Jason. I don't even know what love is without your name in my life. Come to me. Come to me. Come to me, Jason.

At the end, I love your dick. Can I read my letter now? Yes. Dear Jason. Yes. I'm sorry about Paul. He's a cunt. And his mouth garbage must be very taxing for you

with your busy schedule of 80s revival shows. Love, Eli. Dear Jason, I'm sorry for Eli's letter. He doesn't understand the concept of love. Love to him is like a foreign language, something he won't learn and refuses to understand. So with that in mind, forgive his bitterness because I have to work with his bitterness.

But my love for you keeps me soaring every week like a seagull's wings across the ocean floor. Dear Jason, I must apologise again for Paul's behaviour. Paul is unable to feel the emotion of love and simply destroys those around him with his vitriol and... Sark, I truly do love you. Eli. Dear Jason, I'll show you love with my package.

My package. Dear Jason, I've got a great big knob on for you. Dear Jason, I want to cover your face with my gooey image. Dear Jason, I'm going to put thick stripes and fucking three inch enameled wank juice over your fucking beard. Dear Jason, I'm going to put thick stripes of fucking three-inch enameled wank juice over your fucking beard. Dear Jason, I want to cover you with lashings and lashings of my love. I'll eat different fruits on different days so my cum's different flavours,

so it's like a rainbow of different flavoured cum. I'll open you like a celebrity would open a supermarket by taking scissors. You know what, I'm just going to... That almost got real bad. You'd snip his ring by taking scissors. You know what? I'm just going to... That almost got real bad. Let's just stop. You'd snip his ring with your scissors. Bye, everyone.

Next week, we're cacking on now. Bye. Bye. The girl came in the pantry with the poultice tray already and she said to me, yes, Eli, your coloured eyes are going astray. the poultice tray already and she said to me yes Eli

your coloured eyes are going astray it's time for the Price is Right yeah do you like the new take on the Price is Right Paul? Do you like it? it's a funny old game you know when you're playing with fire and prices

I am giving you ices of creamy love tonight. Oh, spunk, is it? Is it back on the spunk? No. Creamy ices of love. Yeah, like lolly ices or milk bars. Are you putting your spunk in the fridge and then taking it out and fucking crumbling it in a drink?

My name is David Bowie and I want you to know that I've got an episode of Price of Shite for you. Come down to the Goblin Farm where we make Goblin Pie. It's the Price of Shite, Paul. I'm trying to say that to you.

Yes. I feel like I haven't had a petwing in me pocket. We haven't dealt out petwings in a while, have we? I haven't had a petwing in my folded golden wing in a while, Paul.

And it's time to offer you again the chance. Now, we can both play this, actually. And it's time to offer you again the chance. Now, we can both play this, actually, because it's sealed in an envelope, the answers. Oh, it's a versus episode. It's a P.O. Box edition of The Price of Shite. Shall I do the scorecard? Yes, why not?

I'll read this out. Again, I just wanted to mention that we had a load of P.O. Boxes come through. Some we might do for the Patreon episodes. However, we have got a backlog and we will get through them. So thank you for sending them in. We'll get to them in due course.

We've got a very tough backlog of packages. This comes from Rob Wright, who is at Unlucky Dip on Twitter, should you want to follow him based on his selection of items we're about to investigate. This is his bespoke Price of Shikes. Should we just give a little explanation

in case anyone is coming to the podcast? We should always do it. Well, do it then. Price of Shite. Should we just give a little explanation in case anyone is coming to the podcast? We should always do it. Well, do it then. We've gone on about the twings. People are going to think we're deranged or something. No, I think us doing the Dear Jason segment shows that we are clearly deranged. Well, explain what this segment that we're about to embark on is, please. Right.

The Price of Shite is our game show segment of the show where we bring along some items we found in charity shops and then we have to guess how much those items were It really is as simple as that Now, it doesn't matter on the number of items that varies from game to game but one important thing is the petwings, our point system Now, if you get the item price correctly on the nose

well, that's two petwings, isn't it? Two petwings Two petwings on the nose Do you want to just make people what tell people what that sound like between between thank you uh if you're out by 25p either way of the actual price well you're only going to get one between well not exactly 25p in the range of 25p yeah between forwards or backwards over the price yes any price a margin of error of 25p on either side of what the price is

above or below above or below the price 25p up to the 25th p limit in either way yes how many did you get for that Paul

just the one per twing just the one per twing now based on the game and the rules there are more per twings available but for now we're going to keep it

simple pimple well we don't know what he might well I'm going to tell you now aren't I well how many items are there firstly please uh because i'm taking the notes five it's all in the letter so let me let me read the letter then so this is what rob says dear eli and paul love listening to cheap show and thought i'd quite like to put together a price of shite for you so here it is enjoy fantastic these five items were all purchased

from a Beacon Centre for the Blind charity shop located on the Wolverhampton Dudley border. For the blind Paul the eyes thing is coming through mate. I'm telling you

you've opened up some weird shit. I bet my eyes start failing now. We don't know. They were working when we put them in and you can see

so that's alright. They are still working. No I meant in real life stepping back from the stupid story that you've put in. You might lose your eyes. You'll fall on the floor and there'll be two nails poking out of the ground.

Like the omen or something. Yeah. Or you'll walk into a ladder. Something. Or a woman hits you with her stiletto heels. Why would walking into a ladder blind me? I only have nails coming out of it. Less like the ladder's legs flip up and you walk in.

That'd be worse than just going blind, wouldn't it? Or a lady attacks you with stiletto heels and manages to get both heels in each eye. Right, because she could fly through the air. No. Well, think about how she'd actually do it if she was trying to do both at once. She'd come at you forward, wouldn't she? She wouldn't leap. No, she'd be like that.

No, she wouldn't. Look, can you see? No, why would you jump at anyone's legs first? Oh, you can see, can't you? Look at me. Oh, God. I'm coming through. No. You wouldn't. Look, can you see? No, why would you jump at anyone legs first? Oh, you can see, can't you? Look at me. Oh, God. I'm cutting through. No.

You don't know how physics works. The only people who jump like that are anime characters. No one jumps legs forward. I'd quite like to see

the gooch of an anime character. Right, well, we're moving on. So, these were bought at a charity shop on the Wolverhampton-Dudley border. The total cost

of all the items combined was a mere £8. £8 on the nose combined. The total cost of all the items combined was a mere £8. £8 on the nose combined. So we've got the number of items. We'd like to have a ceiling. It helps us. So we know in the ballpark,

in the range, what we should go for. It's £8 just to make sure. A mere £8. The answers can be found in the answers envelope included in the item box. I have that thus. Best of luck, says Rob.

You've got the answer box. Answers in the sealed envelope. You didn't thus. Best of luck, says Rob. You've got the answer, boss. You didn't say anything about extra points if you can score. So it's just flat out per twing. So potentially there are ten per twings on offer here. For each of us, yes. I mean, has anyone ever got all the maximum per twings available? I don't know. I lose track.

I don't care also. I'm going to put the letters on the table. Do you want to protect it with the pot? Or do you want to get Poindexter out? I don't know where Po um i'm gonna put the letters on the table do you want to protect it with the pot oh or do you want to get poindexter out i don't know where poindexter is he's probably in hiding yeah he's uh he's crawled under something so let's put it on the just for this episode because i'm so pleased with my new cup noodle pouch pouch um do you think you can get your garbage in that yeah i could get two gubba jason donovan's and yours i could just see his bony chin this cup noodle pouch will be standing in for point dexter who i just want to say clearly listens to the pod and you are valued point dexter okay especially

by me especially when we have our private little time devaluedued. It will be on the envelope of answers there and protecting it. No one will get in or out. No, this is all above board. Because you know what, people? Betwings mean a lot to me and Paul. You know, we like to joke. We like to say, you know,

it doesn't mean anything. It's meaningless. He doesn't care. I know you said he didn't care there about something. But we do care. We care deeply. We care there about something, but we do care. Shut up now, Eli. Shut up. We care deeply about betwings.

And my, I tell you what, my golden wingeth inside-eth space where the betwings lie underneath the wings. Shut up! It feels so empty. Please shut up. It feels so empty these days. It hasn't had a betwing in it.

Shut up! In my golden wingeth in it. Shut up! In my golden wing of Eli. Shut up. I know it's not very professional to say to your podcast co-host, shut up. But I wish you'd shut your fucking stupid mouth. What? Here's the first item.

Eli, regardé. Oh, this is a Simpsons branded item. Has Homer Simpson on it. I'm just trying to work out what it is It is a beer cosy, Paul I hate the idea of it Does it keep your beer cool? What do they do?

I don't understand it It's a bottle for a beer bottle rather than a can It's bottle shaped Yeah, so you can put a nice Heineken in there Or an Ashanti Heavily Simpsons branded It has a label on it Is a beer Ashanti?

A beer is not Ashanti Ashanti is a song sung by sailors in labels. Is a beer a shanty? A beer is not a shanty. A shanty is a song sung by sailors in oldie times. No. A shanty. A shanty? Yeah.

Or was that a pop musician? No, you're thinking of Asahi. Asahi, thank you. Is that Japanese beer? I was just trying to think of various different bottles of beer you could put in. This is basically

a grey thermal coat for a beer. Let's see if it says anything. Why do you need it? Keep it cool or also it helps to distinguish at a barbecue

whose beer is whose i guess really is it what's it say on the top says beer something at the top beer jacket that says nothing as well it is to keep them cool that's weird to me i don't see the point of that that's that's such a dad christmas stocking filler gift you can see why it turned up in a charity shop because some dad got it on christmas day yeah i'll never use that it's a piece of absolute crap. World-killing crap, as I like to say. Christmas Day, daddy opens that and he goes, is this funny?

I quit drinking a few months ago because of the problems and now you give me this. And it says on it, it's got a picture of Homer with a big frothy beer and it says, we'll work for Duff. And Duff is obviously the beer brand in The Simpsons. So there you go, that's the first item. A little detail there, Paul, I've noticed, on the label it's got on it,

it has the 20th Century Fox logo. Do you think it would have Disney if they'd manufactured this now? Probably these days, yeah, probably. That's kind of an interest to me. Probably, yeah.

It does have the label, you know, it's an unused item. If you want to see these objects, they'll be on our webpage for this episode on our website,

thecheapshow.co.uk. I've never felt the need to have a jacket for my beer. No. It's like, I just put it in the fridge if it's cold enough,

it's cold enough. Yeah, job done, you know, waste of time. You don't need that. Right, who wants to go first with the guessing

on that one then? Well, I think you should start this week, Paul. Didn't I start last week because I remember I was saying something about the factors.

You always complain that you go first and I end up winning and blah, blah, blah, even though I never end up winning, so it doesn't really matter. Well, look,

there's an uneven... Should we toss for it? I think we should, we need to. I haven't got a coin, I've just realised.. So it doesn't really matter. There's an uneven... Should we toss for it? I think we should. We need to. I haven't got a coin, I've just realised. Well, we can toss something else. Shut up, Eli. You've got no coin?

There's got to be a coin somewhere. You know what? I'll go first because I can't deal with this. Yeah, you fucking go first, mate. Right. Okay. So that is Charity Shop. It's going to be cheaper because it's not London prices,

which we've discovered is really a thing. It's on the border of Dudley and Wolverhampton. Dudley, Dudley. Okay, the Midlands we're talking about. Yeah. Midlands. Birmingham sort of environment. Birmingham, Midlands.

Nice accent, Paul. I'm enjoying it. Could you say, I'll say to you, is £10 enough? And then you go from there, yeah? All right. Hello, is £10 enough? Is £ go from there yeah alright hello is ten pounds enough is ten pounds enough

for the noshing you're not sure could you not talk I once saw a porn film years ago that was a British porn oh only years ago it was a British porn

for research only no it's because I wanted to wank so I watched this porn film it was a British one but I do remember I couldn't enjoy it because it was a British one because you know when you I couldn't enjoy it because it was a British one.

Because you know when you watch American porn and it's kind of like all glitzy and stuff like that? Or, you know, fake. British stuff just looks like it's been filmed around the back of Safeways. And this one guy was all, you like that, don't you, love? Do you like that? Do you like that all the way in? Yeah. Anyway, that was a long time ago.

How much for a Homer-branded beer jacket? I'm going to say 65p. We've got an eight-quid ceiling on all these items. Five items, four more to come. 65p. 65p for Paul. What do you say? I think it's probably a bit more than that.

I'm going to say 120. 120? That's very rambunctious. I think it's around there. Traditionally, Paul has been the victor on these contests we have. No, that's not true. That's not true. I think you've got more betwings. I don't know. We've never really kept a ranking system, because why would we?

I know, but... It's a very spoddy thing to do. And that's what it's not about. It's about the fun. It's about the little bits of fun in between, Paul. It's about exploration, the stories that we learn along the way from the items that are presented to us, the memories they conjure, the stories they can tell. It's much more about the game, Eli.

It's much more than just a game. Yes. It's a life. If you had a really big flonger, you could get it in this. I could put two of those in there. Right, here's the next item, Mr Silverman. He's handing it to me. It's in a box.

There you go. It's coming to my hand, and it's Rock Happy Families, the traditional game with a musical twist, Paul. Great fun for the whole family, someone has said. Someone has said. There's a quote that doesn't say it's from anyone. Yeah, which I hate. It's got tape on.

You might need to cut it again. Oh, why? Everything. Well, no, because it saves more spilling out or whatever. So, Happy Families is a card game. Very old classic game. Of course. I've never played it. But I presume it's something a bit like, you know, like it's like 21 or it's like, you know.

Isn't it a, you have to get a family. So, it's like Rummy or something. Yeah, it's like Rummy. It's like a child-friendly version of Rummy. So, you have to get little families. Yeah. Instead of getting four fours or whatever, you'd get four. It's like Mr. Bob the Baker and his Baker family.

You have to collect the whole things. You have to get one. you have to get a family yeah and they're all who knows so yeah shall we try shall we try

and have a little game so it'll be interesting to see so will the cards be split up into rock band members it'll be bands yeah

yeah I'm trying to get into it now he's having real trouble because again once again his weird shut up

don't his weird don't say it I'm in. Dumbo-cluffed fingers. Dumbo-cluffed. Here we go. Rock happy families.

Featured artists. The Clash. Yeah. The Darkness. I believe in a thing called Lou. Fun Fighters. Foo Fighters.

Fucking hell. I don't like them. Doesn't matter. You can still get the name right. Whatever. Otherwise you sound like me grandad.

The Faf Fighters. I don't know what they're called. Led Zeppelin. Metallica. Queen. I don't like Metall right. Whatever. Otherwise you sound like me grandad. The Faf Fighters. I don't know what they're called. Led Zeppelin. Metallica. Queen. I don't like Metallica. Queen.

Slade. The Who. The Killers. I would have preferred to see, probably for copyright reasons, they're not there, but Beatles are the kinks in there. Yeah. They're rock, aren't they? Yeah.

Let's have a look at the box. Have the rules. Object of the game. Do the first play with the most sets of cards. Rules. One person shuffles and deals out all the cards. All right.

You ready? No, I'm not going to play this because I fucking hate card games. Players take their cards and arrange them into sets. If they have sets of four cards, they place them up on the table

in front of them. The dealer starts the game by asking any other players for a particular card to add to their members of a set they already hold. If the player has the card, it must be surrendered

to the dealer. The dealer has another go. God, this is terrible. If the player does not have the card, it must be surrendered to the dealer and the dealer has another go. God, it's terrible. If the player does not have the card, it is that player's turn to ask any other player for a card.

It's a bit like Cluedo as well when you think about it. Yes. You know, have you got that? No. Yeah, you have to tick them off. Yeah. So it's a bit like

Swap meets Rummy meets Cluedo. Dave Hill from Slade. Classic look. Yeah. Yeah, do you know when you think about... Do you know what's bad about these? They don't have the instrument.

Well, no, because you're just building up the team in it. Yeah, but they should have, just for purposes of knowing who's who, they should have the instrument. Doesn't it say on the card? No, it doesn't. It says on the cards on here. I see there's writing on the cards on there. Oh, and does it have the musician there? Yeah, it has the name and their position. There's one there as well. Look, it says here.

It doesn't have the instrument, though, Paul, does it? Oh, no, sorry. You're right. It just has... Okay, but what it does say is what card you have and what other members of the band you need to get. Yeah. So you can go, oh, I need a noddy holder.

Shouldn't it just have up there bass or something? Yeah. Shouldn't it? Drummer. Then you'd learn something about who played what in the band. Do you know what I mean? They're not very good. It's a paint job, isn't it, of a card game?

It's just bullshit. No one could have fun playing this. No, bad. Don't like it. Don't like it. But what's the price? I need to guess a price for that. There's a lot of box for that as well

when you think about it. There's a lot of box, yeah. It's a very small deck of cards, really. And it doesn't need all that plastic around it. There's a brochure for their other games. They're called Music Games, apparently. Oh, so they basically palm off shit. Pop the Question, that's a pop trivia for their other games they're called music games apparently oh so they basically palm off

pop the question that's a pop trivia there's lots of pop the question so it's just they've just literally taken all the 50s and 60s

70s 80s they just do sort of all the most trivia packed about decades all the most rote ideas and slap on the

IP soul funk and hip hop yeah all together that is it yeah fiddle sticks right

how much is it because I'm Fiddle sticks. Right. How much is it? Because I'm bored of talking about this. I think that's probably... Probably. Because it's complete and it's relatively new. I mean, it's been untouched again, like the other item. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're going first this time.

I've got my price in my head, though. It's hard to know with the eight quid ceiling. Yeah. Because I don't know what's coming up. There might be some more expensive items. Do we have a chance to change our answers at the end? We always do, don't we? We always do.

Okay, I think. I like to just lock mine in because I'm inherently lazy and don't care. I just feel it's like £1.50 if it's a day. So I'm going to say £1.50. You know what? I was going to say the same, but I'm going to go ahead and say £2. Because that looks like it's a price because of the size of the box. You know, like they'll put £2 in it because they'll think it's a proper thing. All right. So I'm going to say £2 say £2 because that looks like it's a price because of the size of the box. You know like they'll put £2 in it

because they'll think it's a proper thing. Alright. So I'm going to say £2 and you're saying £150. I think you're probably right. I'm saying £150, you are saying £2 and let's see the third item Paul. And here is the third of five items. This looks like you've got to be careful with it so be careful with it. Oh I can hear it clanking.

It's in bubble wrap. I can hear it jangling. Sounds like it clanking. It's in bubble wrap. I can hear it jangling. Sounds like it's glass. Yeah, it might be glass. There's no list of what the items are, so we're left to interpret the purpose. It just has a number and a... No, there's just five items and then the box. Okay.

Are we doing it in the right order? I'm just doing it in kind of order in size. Oh, this is going to bite us in the arse, Paul. We're not going to be able to know. Well, no, I know, because I know what the items are, because I see them when I put them in the bag. It's all new for you. Oh, wow.

What is it? Oh, no, it's one of those terrible things that scare me. It's a teapot which has a sort of anthropomorphised... Ear of corn. Ear of corn with a face. Not an ear of corn. What is it? A cob.

A cob of corn. Is it called an ear when it's still on the stalk? Oh, I don't know. Or is the ear each kernel? I don't know. Or is the ear each kernel? I don't know. It is an ear, isn't it? Either way, it's one of those 60s, 70s porcelain teapot. Can I keep this?

You can definitely have that because those things give me fucking nightmares. And it's got little hands. You know what? It's the face I don't like. That cheruby plump. But what about the little hands coming out? Out of his head. It's a little child corn cob with the leaves.

The leaves form the handle on one side and the spout on the other side. And it's in very good condition. If you think about these little pointy fingers it has, they always break off, don't they, on these things. So this has a kitsch charm for me. It's very of its time. It's like a Toby Jug horror type thing. It's only small, though.

That's why I like it. Does it have a brand maker on the bottom or anything? No brand. No. Nothing on the bottom. Cheap piece of shit. It's like a Toby Jug horror type thing. It's only small though. That's why I like it. Does it have a brand maker on the bottom or anything? No brand. No. Nothing on the bottom. Cheap piece of shit. It is.

But it's typical good old cheap show stuff. It's not a terrible sort of mould or paint. No, it's basic. But it's not that bad. It's been fired. What, from its job?

It's like a demon corn child. It's only a small cup of tea like that. You could maybe get half a cup cup of tea like that you could maybe get it's ornamental it's not for making tea with is it really no i like it that's satisfying you like that noise i like that noise but i'm as enjoyable as that may be for you paul i do need he's trying to play it like a flute now people wow. Wow, the creativity. Can you make it a hat as well? Yeah, he's made it into a hat. And what else is it for?

I'm a fine improv person. What else is it? Here's the next one, Eli. Oh, he's crying into it. Oh, my tears. It collects his tears. And then he's snotting it. He's snotting into it. And then you can pour it out the nose,

just like that egg separator thing. Remember that? You could probably use that as an egg separator, couldn't you? Here comes the egg separator murderer. Yeah you could probably use that as an egg separator couldn't you here comes the egg separator murderer yeah he's made

his penis now that's good he's now shitting in it I'm actually enjoying this now with you you could

that and the nose slime egg cup a little family of horrible porcelain I like it I'm going to

put it on my shelf but how much is it thank you very much Rob for getting that but how much is it that's what I need you to guess to put it on my shelf. But how much is it? Thank you very much, Rob, for getting that. But how much is it?

That's what I need you to guess. Oh, yeah, it's my turn now. You're going first, Paul. So I'm going to say that that is £1.50. I'm going to go £1.50 for that. £1.50. He's going £1.50. It's a very popular price.

I want to say £1.75, and I don't know why, but I'm going to stick with £1.50. £1.50 for you, yes? £1.50 for me. What are you saying, Mr. Silverman? I am going to go for two pound 30 oh the dentist's favorite time of day 230 it's my it's a great gag that is a really not good item number four it's a big one and it's really horrible i kind of like it it's a stainless steel party set uh it looks to date from the early 80s,

from the font used. Or very late 70s. It's that weird. Seven-piece pickle and party set, Paul. It's that American sitcom font. It's like the Hill Street Blues font, isn't it? Yeah. It's got that look.

With lipped bowl for easy holding and six picks. Look at the side. These are pickle picks. Yeah. Look what it says. That's what I just said. Seven piece pickle party set. It's a pickle party set, Paul.

Seven piece pickle party set. And I am tenting in the double package area because I like things to do with pickles and I will use this. Are you going to use that? I like that teapot.

This has been the greatest price of shite of all time. I'm opening it. I will say this. I think the last item is a doozy. This is really well preserved It looks like a dog bowl though

It does look like a dog bowl It's like a little stainless steel dog bowl But you've got the little Pickle sticks Those are the things that end up At the bottom of your drawers In the In your cutlery drawer

In your cutlery drawer In your kitchen don't they Hundreds of them Straws that you never use Little pickle pick But useful Also Claw on the cob

Paul It's not just to show with me I do actually eat Quite a lot of pickles, olives, and other sort of preserved things like that. As someone who's spent time in your bedroom and in your close proximity, I can vouch for the stench coming off you from a pickle-rich diet. Listen, you know what?

You have a ripe flavour. I'm going to be 50, Paul, in a few years' time. I need to attract a partner at some point. You're not going to do that in that fucking room. Well, it's not about the room. I don't just... How is she meant to fall in love? I don't smell of pickles in my person.

How are you meant... My balls are clean. Everything's fucking clean. Your bed looks like a rat's nest. Your room... You can't expect a woman to be in the mood romantically if she's too busy being sick. I'll take her to a hotel.

Fine. Right. You've really fucked me off now. Good. That's what you being sick... I'll take her to a hotel. Fine. Right. You've really fucked me off now. Good. That's what you get for... You stink. I can smell your dirty balls. I don't stink, because I don't live in a room full of curry tins,

ashtrays, wasted food, tears, spunk-laden, crispy, funky, crispy, spanky,

crispy bed sheets, and more dust than a fucking Victorian ghost house. So don't come at me with your, oh, my balls are clean. So, so. Isn't that what's most important? No, because if you take him back to a room that smells worse than balls. No one's going in there.

It doesn't matter in there, does it? No one's going in there. You should just think about cleaning your room. I'm sorry to get real, like an intervention. But you need to sort that room out. For your own mental health, a spring clean could do you the world of good. Wouldn't you love to walk into your room without stepping over things

and wading through clothes and the ongoing sweat mound that is Mount Grotpants? Anyway, I think that is... Three pounds, I'm saying. Yeah, three pounds. I'm going to go with 250. We should get those home improvement people to come in. The TV show works like... I'm going to go 275. We've been invited like, you know, home improvement people to come in. The TV show works like...

I'm going to go 275. We've been invited along to Eli Silverman this week to give his bedroom a makeover. You're saying 250, yeah? Yes. What did you say?

Three. 275. Oh, you changed it. You said three. I changed it. You just said we're allowed to change it. Have you stopped

with the realness now? I'm just saying, you didn't say it onto the podcast so therefore it doesn't hold weight. You can't just write it down. I'm just saying, you didn't say it onto the podcast, so therefore it doesn't hold weight. You can't just write it down. So I'm glad you said it out loud.

When you were ranting just now. Yeah, but I wasn't listening to you. I changed it. If you'd been listening, you would have heard it. Are you ready for the fine lighting? I don't know, man. I feel quite deflated. I think this fine lighting might actually help us.

Can we get some light in here? Yeah, stick the big light on. Oh, now I look like I'm in a poker room. Got this light over the top of me. A poker room? Yeah, you know a poker room where poker happens. Poker room now I look like I'm in a poker room. Got this light over the top of me. A poker room? Yeah, you know a poker room where poker happens? Poker room. You've never even been in one.

No. It's a place for losers. Oh, he's got the biggest item for the last here. Here's the biggest item, and it might help us with our quandaries. Not just today, but in life. Really? Eli, what do you say to this? Answer me, Jesus.

It's an answer me, Jesus. It's a big plastic pink Jesus with, look at the bottom. Find out what Jesus would do. No, I have to go through this again. The bottom of the box, the opposite of the top, and it's surrounded by sides.

There's an eye hole at the bottom. Yes, because it's effectively a magic eight ball. Oh. But instead of it being a magic... It's hard to see from the light. Can I take him out? Whip Jesus out. Excuse me while I whip Jesus out. it's a big long this is terrible it's got a real

weight to it because it is a it's full of liquid isn't it no it's not it's like the bottom's got yes it is full of liquid in i don't think the whole thing's filled with it i think it's mostly plastic little section at the bottom yeah answer me jesus the lord works in mysterious ways and now he will speak to you through this inspired plastic likeness. This is awful. It's hip and holy and it possesses the power to amuse and offend. Never again will you have to wonder what will Jesus do when you hold the answer in the palm of your hand. Funny and fun, this answer me Jesus is a blessed way to declare your love or faith or add a touch of holiness to any decor.

Not intended for any use by the closed minded. Warning, Holy Spirit not included. And it's broken. Is it? Yeah, the water's sort of evaporated, so you don't get an answer, and it's hard to read. Oh, it's all blobby and leaked out. Is it okay if I don't go to church on a Sunday?

Is it wrong to slash my ex's tires? And then he'll give you a statement like, resist the devil, have faith. This is a disgusting novelty item. When I think of the resources... I died for this. That's what it says. This is just a disgusting waste of everyone's life.

It's horrible. It's got some fucking weight to it. Do you know what I mean? You could kill someone with that really easily. Imagine if I became a seal. Not really easily, but you could bludgeon someone quite effectively is what I'm saying.

It's one of those Jesus models that looks like the kind of Brazilian Catholic kind of style almost. Do you know what I'm saying? It's one of those Jesus models that looks like you know the kind of Brazilian Catholic kind of style almost. You know what I'm saying? Yes. The more Spanish way of representing Christ with the flaming heart

on his chest. That's right, yeah. Which is a tip-tapping like this. It's just more Catholic in general is it? Right, I'm going to ask him something as best as I can.

No, you won't be able to read it. You can. What I'll do is I'll roll it and then rest it against the glass to get an answer because you're right the blue liquid doesn't go to the top.

That's what I mean. But if I hold it upside down, then it does and it can. But then it floats to the top. Yeah, it's broken. Let's just see if I can get an answer out of it. You can't. Jesus. You won't be able to.

This is useless bit. I'm gone. This is really shit. Jesus. I would like... Should I... Should I... I've got nothing to hope for.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, come on, man. I just had a really sad moment where I was like, oh, no. Let's not get extensive. No, it just means you're content. There's nothing, you know,

that you're worried about. That's good. No. Will digitiser series two be a huge success? It says, the nearest one to the top says... This is working. I actually couldn't even read it. Yeah, that's what I tried to explain to you, that it's broken.

You just, you don't listen, Paul. You know that? No, you're going to hell. Okay, there you go. But Paul, what I need for you from this thing, which you are taking out of my house. You're taking this away with you today. Oh, yeah, I know.

I'm going to put it in a charity shop as soon as possible. Please. It's so heavy. It kind of disgusts me, the amount of resources for something that is so useless to begin with, when it even functions. And it's not functioning. Do you know what I mean? How much plastic was used in making?

A lot of plastic. How many of those did they use? This is the worst kind of shit shit because it's made with spite. It's a one-joke premise. We're like, what if Jesus was a magic eight ball? And then it's made so badly, even the joy of it is pointless. It's just disgusting. Do you know what I mean?

Some things are charming, but it just overwhelms. It's overwhelmingly just wrong. It's a horrible novelty item. This one says, I think the holy water will sting it's so bad that but i need a price from you paul i think because of the size of this and the fact that it's heavy the charity shop worker went this is a value so i'm gonna say uh how much have i done so far one two give us a quick rundown of the price you've spent so far seven pounds and 15 pence oh shit So you've only got

£75. £85. I guess I'm not going to get most of these right. I want to make this £3. Okay.

And then I want to make the board game Happy Family Rock thing. Which was item number two. No, it wasn't. Well, this is the

problem we're going to have. Yes, it was. You didn't write it down, did you, dickhead? Well, I thought that it'd be there

in the fucking thing. But when I do the points, I always write the item down. So you didn't do it. I have recall. Oh, chinny chinny. You don't have recall because you just said. And I quote, I don't know.

I do know. I don't know. I know exactly. What order was it? It was Homer, Rock Family. Yeah, then the cup. The kettle fish. Fish, corn, kettle, pot. What is it?

Pot. Tea pot. Tea pot. And then the cutlery set. The pickle set. Yes. And then the Jesus. That's right, yeah.

Yeah. So, Homer Rock Corn Bowl Jesus. Yes. Yes. You want to change the price of one of yours? To the Happy Family Rock. I want to make that one quid. Okay.

And then I want this to be three. Yeah, I've given you three for that. Now, what do you think? What have you got so far? I'm going to put two for that. One, 75 for that. Oh, Jesus. Will I win this game, Jesus?

All right, what's it saying? It's saying... And I'm going to change the corn thing to... I still love you. Two pounds. Oh, Jesus. Jesus loves me. Jesus, he loves me

and he knows I'm right. And I'm going to change... I've been talking to Jesus all my life. I'm going to change what families to one pound. I've been talking to Jesus. Okay, you ready?

I'm singing Genesis. It's time for the betwings to be awarded, Paul. Jesus, he knows me and he knows I'm right. I've been talking to Jesus all my life. Bravo. I've been talking to Jesus all my life.

I can't walk. I can't dance. He's gone into a medley. The only thing about me is the way I walk. Shut up. This is the land of illusion. Lovely medley. These are the songs we're up. This is the land of illusion. Lovely medley. These are the songs we're singing.

These are the... No, you meant to go, Oh, these are the hands we're giving. Can you shut up, please? Oh, what would Jesus sing? He'd sing Genesis. He would. Because of Bibles.

He didn't come along to one whole book after. He read the book. Do you think Jesus read the book? He read the book. Stop waving the pink Jesus at me. I'm waving pink Jesus at Eli threateningly. Yeah, it's very hard. Imagine if I came at you in the dark with this.

I hate that thing. From a distance, it does look like a big cock, though. Let's just be completely honest about that. Yes, it does. And I won't make the obvious joke about putting it up my arse. Right, okay. But, Paul, I'm ready for Gits and Petrings. Please.

Oh, yeah. Answers. Yes, we need the answers. We'll move the pouch. We are moving the pouch. The cup noodle pouch. Here we go. I'm opening the envelope now.

Careful. Look across the top. Look at your big sausage fingers, mate. Come on, bring it. Here we go. All important answers in no particular order. The sweet corn jug is what he's called it, whereas we like to call it the corn teapot.

Is it a teapot or is it for gravy, maybe? Pouring gravy up. It could be like a... You put gravy in? Corn gravy. Corn gravy. Corn gravy. Corn sauce. Oh, that well-known... You put gravy in? Corn gravy. Corn gravy. Corn gravy. Corn sauce.

Oh, that well-known... You could put that corn sauce in that we tasted. God, that was rough. Corn gravy. What did we say for the corn jug?

Which was... Item number three. No, fuck this. I'm not doing it like this, Paul. All right, let's do it in order of what we did. So Homer, yeah?

Homer was first. The Simpsons beer cover. That was the first item. What did you say? I said £1.20 you said 65 pence ah and the answer is 50p

so I get a lovely per twing for that because I'm out by 25 well I'm out by 15p but the point still stands one per twing for you

Paul well done thank you very much that bodes well for you here I think right rock happy family is the next one right we both said a quid

that was 150 ah I changed my answer so no per twings for either there I would have said 150 Rock Happy Family is the next one, right? We both said a quid. That was 150. I changed my answer. So no betwings for either there. I would have said 150. I would have had two betwings. I know, but unfortunately, you crossed it out. So now it's a no betwing situation as we go into our third item, the Sweet Corn Jug.

I'm going to score no betwings this week. Sweet Corn Jug. How much did we say for Sweet Corn? For the Sweet Corn Jug, which was the third item. Is that right, Paul? Yes. You said £1.50 and I said two on the nose. The answer is £1 on the nose.

So we are both out there. It's going to be one between you and the whole fucking thing, mate. What's the next one? The pickle party set. The pickle party set. How much did you say? £2.75. How much did I say?

£2.50. It is. £2. £2. Oh. So, no points there. I'm not going to score anything. Finally then, the Answer Me Jesus,

the potentially most fun and yet ultimately most disappointing item on the list. It wasn't potentially the most fun. I could have had a lot of fun asking Jesus shit. No, it would not, because it would just be stupid things. Answer Me Jesus, will we ever visit by aliens? Oh, I'm Jesus. Look at my hair. I do not know.

Yeah, fantastic. I hate magic eight balls anyway. I hate them as well. I fucking hate them. That's a hateful thing. I like having them on a shelf, but you never really want to use one unless you're in your darkest hour and you're out of all the options in your life. It's total shit. Friends have let you down.

Family, business, enterprise, council, government. Enterprise, council? You know, everyone's let you down. Friends, family. Really?

You really don't half talk some shit and you don't even know who else to turn to. You can't go to therapy, counselling, doctor, Well, you still wouldn't do it. You still wouldn't

use the eight ball. A prime minister, self-help line. You're probably more likely to fucking pierce it and try and drink the fluid inside, see if it got you off. What is that blue made of? It gets you right off.

Yeah, but is it? Is that the secret to magic eight balls? If you break them open and drink it, they give you the answer. Yeah, then you actually get the answer arriving through a dream state. Yes. Let's break open.

Just bust Jesus open. I'm not going to break that open. I'm not having Jesus. Let's bust Jesus wide open and get all the answers from his blue juice. Jesus's blue juice will give you the answer. I need the final item's price, Paul. You said for the fucking stupid cunt Jesus thing.

Yeah. Three pounds. And I said one pound 75. The answer is three pounds on the nose. Are you joking? No, because why would I win that is the right answer. Fuck off! I'm so angry with this!

I got fucked over hard! How many betweens did you get? This is what I mean! No betweens! How many did I get? Three. Three betweens. That's a good innings.

That's not a great innings, but it's enough to win. And fundamentally, isn't that the point? Wow, I've had such a great time ladies and gentlemen this week on winning this price of shite so thank you very much fuck that you've given up now you upset yourself oh you didn't win no i didn't win i totally donutted out thank you rob for making this day gone right good for me and you sang fucking stupid genesis this has been a great episode for me i've given you an intervention i've written a love letter to jason donovan and eli lost considerably poor performance

on the price of shite although eli don't get too upset you did get a cup noodle out of this as well there is a lot of so there's a lot of joy in your life there Salve. There's a lot of... I'll salve. I'll use some salvent. I'll use a poultice of salvent, Paul. It's a nice balm. A balmy poultice. A pit poultice. Slap the pit poultice up the armpit, matron. Get it round, matron. Is that another David Bowie track?

Slap the pit poultice up the armstring. No, now you're just talking like fucking mad people. Right, good. We'll see you after this sound effect oh come on and just like that Cheap Show is over for another week but we hope you'll join us next week

for more economy comedy fun so here's how you can reach out to us if you want to first of all email thecheapshow at gmail.com if you've got anything you want to say tell us from the dance floor or shop floor email send us your stories or comments or reactions to things we've done uh what else if you want to be a patron and help support this podcast and we'd appreciate it if you did uh it is patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only please if you can and if you do you get

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that's Cheap Show P.O. Box 1309 Harrow H.A. 1 9Q.J and on Twitter we're most active yeah of course

we're on Instagram and Facebook but Twitter at the Cheap Show pod I am at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is Eli Snoidy L.I.S.

and I do I'm not going to put any effort in because I was told to be quiet. Well you make me sad. Why? Said there'll be

no more noodles on the show. It's been proven. You've been called my fingers fat again twice. It's statistically proven that it's unpopular

format noodles. No that's some kind of anomaly. That's the anti-noodle people. A noodle-omany. And a noodle-omany. There was something

up with that Paul. No it's just it's proven that people aren't interested in noodles. Listen, listeners, if you're interested in noodles, and if anything, it's proven that my vision of this show to the noodle posse is the purest of them all. Please get in touch and tell this man. It's not me. Noodles are essential.

It's in the fucking theme track. The theme tune, Paul. I will be changing that. You'll be taking the noodle mention. I'll be taking that out based on the obvious audience feedback we've had. I don't say this. No, there was no... I look at the stats,

and I see people... Oh, I've seen the comments as well, mate. What? Noodle episode, boring Eli. He always goes on about noodles. He hasn't got anything else in his life. You're lying now. You're gaslighting me.

You are gaslighting me. is Eli Silverman. What a loser. You've done it three times in this episode. Have I? Or have I just spoken truth? And you did a whole thing about my eyes getting gouged out last week. Stop with this violence!

That was a deal I made with Biffo and Venus, which, again, just to say, didn't go anywhere. There was no apocalypse. So Venus was wrong. Your eyes being ripped out was for nothing. I know. It was a bit of fun, though, wasn't it? No.

A bit of fun. It wasn't fun. A bit of fun to have your eyes popped out. I'm going to eat a noodle now yeah is that good yeah good I'm just saying that

thanks everyone and especially the noodle aficionados out there well we'll be back next week and I think next week we're going to do some froth shoppy goodness aren't we

we are and soda jerky fun we've got some things to taste next week Paul yes can't wait for that why don't you join us next

I can't I'm trying to keep this professional and what we've done is talk about Spofford and Jason Donovan. I love you, everyone. I'm trying to be fucked by a big pink Jesus. Sorry I was a bit shit this week, everyone. Hey, don't worry, Eli. You're shit every week.

Oh, you've said that before. I know. Because it's consistent. It's consistent. It's round and round. It's Technicolor Dreamcoat. You spin me right round, baby, right round. Like a record, baby, right round. Knobbing off. Like a record, baby, right round. Jason Donovan, knob off.

You josh me. Jason Donovan. Josh me right off. Jason Donovan. Josh off Donovan. I've joshed off Jason Donovan. You've joshed him off. I've joshed him off.

Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh. That's not how we're ending, isn't it? Because I want it. Just end it then. All right, bye then. Bye, everyone. isn't it because I want it just end it then alright bye then bye everyone