CheapShow - Ep 256: Joyless Icing

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

It's entirely possible that Paul and Eli may have had too much coffee, candy and soda this week, which may explain their volatile behaviour, but that's not really an explanation. The Cheap Chaps venture back to the Froth Shop and the Soda Jerk to sample a large selection of delicious, yet cheap, Japanese candy and some revolting UK soft drinks. However, all is not well behind the scenes, as the proprietors of these sweet establishments are having a bit of an awkward falling out. It's not too much better for Paul and Eli either, as one of them can feel a stress induced death coming on and the other can feel a revolting, maddening song coming on! It's going to be another "one of those" episodes again, isn't it? Sigh! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-256-joyless-icing And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Now, Paul. Yes. I think you should just do it. I will do. It's been very serious. There's been very serious talk. Yes, there has been very serious talk, and I'm here to apologise. Hello.

Honestly, Paul. Hello. Because I'm part of this as well, and I don't want to be responsible for mistakes like that. Hateful mistakes like that. Let me make my apology now. I want to feel it. I'll just tell you that right now, Paul. I want to feel this apology.

I want to feel it inside me. I want to be convinced. I'll just tell you that right now, Paul. I want to feel this apology. I want to feel it inside me. I want to be convinced, okay? Hello. This is Cheap Show. My name is Paul Gannon and I'd like to apologise. Last week, when the subject of Jason Donovan came up on the podcast, I said some

wrong and, in retrospect, ridiculous comments that I now duly regret and apologise for. So I'd like to take this moment to say that, yes, it was not Jason Donovan who sang Together Forever. That was Rick Astley. And I want to apologise to both Jason Donovan and Rick Astley. I think you should write a letter to Rick Astley.

Well, I want to write this apology, Jason. Especially for you. I want to bend you over backwards at the zoo. I've got fucking poindexter in my t-shirt. When we fuck, we'll look into the eyes of a kangaroo. I'll be in your arse. You'll never shift. Can I be in the pouch?

I won't feel the same. I feel left out in this. I want to be in a wet pouch. I've gushed up all my goo. Into the pouch, into the kangaroo's mucusy pouch. It's too many broken hearts in the world. My name is Pistain Vera and I like... What do you mean your name is Pistain Vera?

That's my name, I'm in the pouch. You've ruined my apology. I'm in the pouch. You've ruined my apology. I'm in the mucus. My awful apology. Welcome to Cheap Show. Oh. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles.

It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. It's the price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Chief Show And I go and I nuzzle What's so funny Paul?

Hello, welcome to Chief Show, I'm in a good mood. Hello, welcome to the Chief Show. He's in a good mood, everyone. It's going to be a real boring show because Paul's in a good mood. It's going to be a great time show. I'm smiling. Can I sing my song now?

No. Please. No, can we just do the Hello, welcome to the Chief Show to the Economy Comedy Podcast where Eli and I go for the Poundlands Bargain Shops and Biscuit Tins

of Great Britain to bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. Now that's out of the way. Now what's the song? My name is Pistain Vero and I have got no eyes. I live in a kangaroo's pouch and the mucus tells no lies. It tells my eyes.

Are you timing me? No, I've got this. My mum gave me a fancy smartwatch. I know, you haven't shut up about it ever since, Paul. And one of the interesting features is it has a stress level meter so which is constantly i'm just gonna just test myself right now if you don't mind okay it's just see it's reacting to my heartbeat should i do the song again yeah word for word what's hitting my name is pistone vera and i've got no eyes i live in a web of mucus in a kangaroo's pouch i tell no lies i've got into eyes. I live in a web of mucus. Says try to relax. In a kangaroo's pouch. I tell no lies.

I've got into the sky now. How stressed am I? It's gone black. The screen's gone black. Oh, hang on. How stressed am I? My name is Stress Name Vero. It's not going to go up.

I'm in the red. You haven't mentioned Poindexter either. There is no Poindexter. There is only Zool. There is. Where? Why have you got... Wait.

He's become part of me now why is Poindexter what like he'll be part of me forever like that character in Total Recall conjoined twins

yes they're known as open your mind yeah that's what I'm helping Poindexter pick up some psychic powers so why did you do that then I've grafted him onto the side

of my torso why did you graft Poindexter onto your side so I can be together with him forever he wants it did you graft Poindexter onto your side? So I can be together with him forever. He wants it. Did you both? He wants to be part of me forever.

Poindexter. I can feed him through the anus hole. I wish this smartwatch had a comedy scenario measure. I can feed him through. Because I'm pretty sure it'd be pretty low right now. Because the face is inward facing. I feed him through suppositories only. You're enjoying this weird little thing that you're doing right now, the face is inward facing I feed him through suppositories only you're enjoying this weird little thing

that you're doing right now but no one else is well you say that but there's two people in this podcast Paul and we all know nonsense cells word noise cells

that's the t-shirt isn't it cheap shows nonsense cells bracket barely my name is Purple Vera and I have got a kite. I live in a kangaroo's pouch.

It's mucusy at night. We go down to the farm. It's all dark. I'm doing another measurement. There's a cow called Henry Johnson and he don't... Oh, fuck. Oh, my name is Purple Vera. I hate you.

Why are you ruining my podcast? Oh, come on. Why are you doing it? Why do you ruin my podcast? This is my podcast. Why are you doing it? Why do you ruin my podcast? This is my podcast. Is this what we're doing today, Paul? I'm measuring my stress again. It's going up and down, up and down.

It's your heart rate. I don't think it's a very sophisticated indicator of stress. Right, it's off the charts. It's gone off again. Yeah. Look. Oh, it's right at the top there. It's right at the top.

This is what you do to me weekly. I'm going to have a heart attack one week. You'll be going, Shpafni chadna warol, a flopni kopadu. That is not the song. And I'm going to be sitting there going, Ah, me arm.

Ah, my chest. A flopni wopni kopal, a wibbly flopdu. A hip me flopni kolhop, hiddly lip me mirror blop. And I'm sitting there dying on the fucking floor. That could work. What you were doing just then could work as a sort of background singer thing

for my main My Name Is Purple Vera song. No, I'm not doing it. I'm not getting involved. Like a call and response thing. Mate. Where I go, you know, something like, My name is Purple Vera. I wear a fisherman's hat.

And you go, Fisherman's hat. Something like that. Yeah. Oh, no, no. Do it again. I've got a better one. My name is Purple Vera. I wear a fisherman's hat something like that yeah oh no no do it again I've got a better one my name is

purple Vera I wear a fisherman's hat fancy that yeah fisherman's hat fancy that mucus holes

stop it we have to make this a podcast please it is a podcast please please make it sound like a podcast

sure Paul oh no I've got I've got the medicine for what ails you please please make it sound like a podcast sure Paul oh no I've got I've got the medicine for what ails you I've got the lozenge I've got a lozenge

for what ails you yeah what's coming up on the show today mate today we are visiting the froth shop and the soda jerk for some interesting

sweets and surprises oh yeah but before that Eli wants to feed me crisps he's been banging on about so let's do that no the crisps go with your crispps he's been banging on about no let's do that to go with your crisp we do it all in one go no we'll do the crisp segment now not have my crisp relegated to the pre-credit whatever this is the little bit between segments these crisps

deserve a fucking full segment for themselves with the other crisps let's do now with the crisp one i've got so we're doing the crisps now it It's a crisp segment now. Cheap eats, we used to call it. Cheap to cheap, cheap to cheap, cheap to cheap to cheap to cheap to cheap eats. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll get the crisps. Get the Pringles. Do you want to go first?

Spoiler alert. Oh, no, wait. These are special. Before we do that, I need to make an announcement before I forget, because I will forget. Oh, the suitcase competition. Yes. A few weeks ago, remember, we'd all had to have fun and dive into the suitcase and solve its many riddles and prizes.

That was a lot of fun. It was quite a lot of fun. And Evanne, who organized it, also put together a little giveaway. Whatever she's put together, I'm pretty sure it's going to be fantastic. But we did have a giveaway. I can't remember what the question was, nor the answer, but I do know who the winner was of the giveaway. And what are we giving away? I don't know.

I can't remember that either. So what are the things you can't remember? All of it. All of it I can't remember I don't know. I can't remember that either. So what are the things you can't remember? All of it. All of it I can't remember. I said something, can't remember what, but someone said I should say something.

It's a Venn thing. How do you know the winner? Has a Venn chosen the winner? A Venn chose the winner at random from all the correct answers that were sent in. What do I know about this thing?

Nothing. I didn't always... You know nothing. I know nothing either. Wasn't it a suitcase competition thing? Oh, wasn't it one of the questions that was in the suitcase? Yes, it was whatever

episode number is the code and you gave it in. So they figured it out and congratulations. The winner is someone called on Twitter at Fart Cup. Or they've got, they call themselves Beautiful Balls. Yeah, well. So congratulations, Beautiful Balls at Fart Cup.

Just reading that out, really sobering. Really sobering. How has it affected your stress, though? Sobering would indicate you've calmed down and you're getting rational. I'm still on the downslide. I'm still on the town bus to Easy Street. I'm sorry, Paul. I'm getting...

Poindexter is talking into my abdomen cavity because that's where his head now has been grafted into uh and he's telling me yeah he doesn't like you right he doesn't like oh oh poindexter what i don't like this development you'll always be there paul there's no removing him now he is the protector of the betwings and he is now literally within the golden winger you know what it's just another cross He is the protector of the betwings, and he is now literally within the golden wing of family. You know what? It's just another cross-stitch in the fabric of your sad life, meaning you're one stitch away from never having sexual relations with anyone again.

That's not fair, I don't think. I think it's very fair. It's not fair. Point dexter. People don't mind. Point dexter. All right, so you bring a lady back to your dirty little mess. I have a teddy bear grafted to me, lady.

How do you like that? She won't. She won't. She'll leave. Oh, foamy, foamy. I have a teddy bear grafted to me, lady. How do you like that? She won't. She won't. She'll leave. Oh, foamy, foamy. I love a teddy. I love a teddy. You don't know the ladies I meet.

Any woman who... Don't stop. Why does this keep coming up with you? Are you feeling insecure? No, I'm perfectly fine, but come on. So why do you keep attacking me? I'm happy being single, Paul. You're not.

Right. Get these Pringles. It's got a bit fucking on the nose today, doesn't it? I'm not having any of your fucking shit. Before the show, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to mention this. Eli said to me, I'm going to make the show difficult for you.

Ho, ho, boy. Ho, ho, ho, howdy, boy. Howdy, boy. I didn't say howdy, boy. I'm going to make the show difficult for you. And I'm not having it. I think the Purple Vera thing could make a reoccurrence. No.

Purple Vera sounds like something you go to the doctor about. Well, she does, yes. She does sound like something you'd hear her voice. I'm vetoing my laugh on that. Ha ha ha. I'm not doing it.

I don't give a shit. Right, so here's our crisp segment. Impromptu. I went to one of those Pound Everything's a Pound shop. It's not called Poundland. It was like 99p discount. Pound Stretcher?

No. Pound Pounder? Pound Pounder, no. Pound this pound in a hole and stretch the hole. I think it was just called pound land it was like 99p pound stretcher no pound pounder pound pounder no pound this pound in a hole and stretch the hole I think it was just called the 99p express I'll stuff your hole

with such a pounding that it splits pound splitter pound the hole till it splitser I hate fucking I really was in a good mood at the start of this.

And now I'm ready to literally, literally murder you. No, sorry, I'm fine. I am fine. So anyway, long story short, I found a tube of Pringles. I've not seen them before. They're called Hot and Spicy. I've not seen those. It's weird.

And on the front, apparently, the Mr. Pringles face is now resembling a penguin. No, it is a penguin I thought it was a ghost but it suggests that because of the design maybe the Pringles are black to suggest hot and spicy

no because penguins don't suggest hotness they suggest cold arctic that's the other thing isn't it

why would he even go with that motif of a penguin it's weird his face is where the face of the penguin would be

this is my thought Paul perhaps it's just a Christmas sort of holiday edition It's weird the way his face is where the face of the penguin would be. This is my thought, Paul. Perhaps it's just a Christmas sort of holiday edition. Because sometimes they have Arctic animals and sort of holiday time. So you think maybe the red one was like a Santa tube? I think this is a Christmas design that has nothing to do with the flavour. Right. Do you see what I mean?

I see. That would be my take. Well, I'm going to go in. Get a huff on them. They're not black. Have you tried these before? No. How hot do you think they're going to be?

Not very. I reckon they're not going to be. They've got a bit of a dusting. They've got a bit of an orange dusting to them, but you know. Oh, they've got a very weak, artificial chilli smell on them. Go on, grab one then, and I'll grab one. Three. You need at least three.

You do. Here we go. They are not hot or spicy. They've got a nasty, it's a sweetness thing isn't it it's a bit like a doritos chili heat wave or something yeah weird it's more cheesy than um anything else yeah and it's got those kind of generic now i'm not gonna i'm not trying to be xenophobic when i say this but sort of generic mexican-y spice flavor oh you mean when you get in a bad british take on a mexican restaurant you know what i? That kind of sort of artificial

sort of bland almost Mexican spice mix. Do you know what I mean? Generic kind of, this is what we imagine it might be like in Mexico. Which kind of stands in for chilli. It's not hot though. It's not hot and it's not spicy. I can detect there is some chilli in that. It's more like a sweet and sour. Yeah, too

sweet. Especially at the front, don't we think? Yeah. Right, well, that gets only... I'm going to give that a C+. And weirdly un-Moorish for Pringles. Yeah, I was thinking I'm done with that now. Yeah, weird. I was going for another one just because I expect you want another one, but I actually don't there.

I think it's because it's too cloying. Cloying? Yeah, it's a kind of cloying, mushy, sweet sort of... You know with like the regular plain, just regular salted? That's really weak because I expect better. Yeah, you can pound those ones cloy-y, mushy, sweet sort of... You know, with like the regular plain, just regular salted. That's really weak, because I expect better. Yeah, you can pound those ones, but you can't pound them. Like cream cheese and chives or whatever. Sour cream and chive flavour.

The regular ones. I could pound a fucking two tubes of those. Yeah. I could pound stretch those tubes. There we go. Watch your grade out of whatever bullshit... Well, we haven't discussed this. Look, seeing as we're having

a whole cheap eats sort of episode today yes food aplenty today now we need let's get our fucking ranking system locked on in here right

alright because it's going to be a tough one got a lot of shit to get through right I said that was C plus I'm going to stick by

that kind of ranking you want to give grades yeah are we going by American or English English grades what did they do English grades A B A minus You want to give grades? Yeah. Are we going by American or English school grades? English grades.

What do they do? School English grades. A, B. A minus. B plus. B. B minus. So there's three.

A has three. B minus. A has three ranks. All of them have three ranks. Down to what? Down to F. Which is fail, isn't F? Yeah.

And it comes after E, does it? No, there's no E, though. It ends with F. Begins with A and rolls down to F and Which is fail, isn't F? Yeah. It comes after E, does it? No, there's no E, though. It ends with F. It begins with A and rolls down to F, and then we stop. E becomes before F. E, F. Yes. A, B, C, D, F.

That's what we're doing. What? Fail. So it's A, B, C, D, F. Okay, F, you don't go F plus or F minus? No, it's F, fail. So it's A, B, C, D, F. F for fail. And what did you give those, C, D. F. F for fail.

And what did you give those? C plus. A C plus? C. Maybe a C. They're not offensive. I didn't hate them. I'll give them a D.

Oh, dear. Right, now for you the egg crisp. D plus? Can I give them a D plus? Yes. Double D. Get the egg crisps out, please. I've got the egg crisps.

I've got the egg crisps. I've got the egg crisps here. These are salted egg crisps. I've got the egg crisps here. These are salted egg flavour crisps. We just need to wash the palate. God! I take seriously the tasting elements of this show we do, Paul, okay? That's all I want to say to you. Hey, quick question, Eli.

What? How's your burnt hand, you trotter-knuckled fuck? Fuck off! Hey, how about that? I burnt my hand. Yeah, that's right, Poindexter, yes. He's gone too far this time. You've got the hands of a beast

and they burst to your chest. I burnt... You're a monster. You're becoming a monster. Listener. You're becoming a monster. Listener. A monster from mythical history.

You've made yourself into a monster and evil dies tonight. Yeah, evil dies tonight. Right, so these are... Get your crisps up for the lads. Look, these are egg-flavoured crisps. Yes. Where'd you get them?

Salted egg. I believe I got them in an Asian supermarket. Salted egg yolk flavour. Nice. Very specific. Biffo tried a Pringles version of that, and I seem to remember tasting one, and my kind of instant memory from that

was less eggy, more kind of buttery flavour Okay, yes, because yolk is a buttery part of the egg I guess, isn't it? I guess so Interesting, I think the actual dish of a salted egg is very big in Taiwan, I've heard Okay So let's get into this

So it's a dish, a salted egg You're going to give him a huff? I am, indeed He's going in for the huff I'm going to do a little Oh dear I've sort of set my gag off a bit huff? I am indeed. He's going in for the huff. I'm going to do a little... Oh dear. I've sort of set my gag off a bit. That was a proper fucking

Popeye face of a reaction. It's very... It's very savoury. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I've fallen in a barnyard. Yes. It's a very sort of barney. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. That is what we like to call in the industry, ladies and gentlemen, a chonky huff. That is a serious chonk on huff. Yeah going to be able to do this. That is what we like to call in the industry, ladies and gentlemen, a chonky hoof.

That is a serious chonkon hoof. Yeah, that's got to fucking help. I've got a bonkon for the chonkon. I'll open these up and let you... Right, I'm just going to take the one, but it's a big one. Here we go. They look ordinary crisps in terms of the colour and... Mmm, sweet.

Yeah, sweet and buttery right with some spice almost peppery they're not very moorish though not very salty are they there is a very eggy aftertaste I will say that I'm waiting for that

yeah there's the eggy aftertaste you know when you fry an egg and the yolk becomes like thick yeah yeah it's that kind of aftertaste yeah yeah yeah not unpleasant not unpleasant

but not very moorish no it's kind of bizarre. Yeah. Also, I don't like the texture. They're a bit soft to the crunch. Perhaps that's just because they're a couple of weeks old. Maybe.

Maybe if they were crunchier, they'd be a bit more interesting. Well, I'm going to give that. I might give it a C-, unfortunately. You preferred the Pringles to that. No, because remember, you made me give it a D. Did I? Yeah. And I cried.

And then what did I do? Nothing. Didn't do anything? Asked play? No. I'm just trying to remember, mate. Watch your score so I can end this segment. Oh, they're quite nice, actually.

All right. I think. Okay, and so your score is? Quite a complex sort of flavour, don't you think? Yes. Score, please. There's different things going on at all stages through the mouth journey

there, basically, Paul. Yeah, baby. I wanted to get that across to everyone. Yes. I think C- is a bad score. I think... It's a personal taste.

It doesn't fucking matter, does it? I think I'd give them a B-. B-. Well, there we go. Two crisps in our edible show today.

Mmm, let's yum it all up as we head into our next bit. Not too bad. As we head into the froth shop. And I can't wait for you to join us there. Let's go, shall we, Eli? Mmm. Stop eating.

Ooh, they're really nice. Shut up and stop eating. Some of them are more salted than others. It's like, get a good shuffle on in there. Get some salted egg ones out. You're becoming the crisp version of David Bellamy. Salted egg. Doot-de-doot-de-doo.

I'm working in me candy shop. Doot-de-doot-de-doo. Making candy fucking pigs. Oot-de-doot-de-doo. I'm working in me candy shop. Oot-de-doot-de-doo. To make candy for kids. I don't know why.

Hey, everybody. It's Willy Wanker. Hello, little boy Eli. Hello, Willy Wanker. You still fuck animals. That's what you do, is it? They love it. They write to me.

Do they consent to being displayed in sex shows? No, they don't agree to that. In casino basements? To be fair, no, they don't agree to that. Well, millionaires throw pound coins at them? Yeah, no, they don't agree to that. While millionaires throw pound coins at them? Yeah, no, they weren't up for that. But, you know, they all made a mint that night. They made a mint?

Yeah, they made a bit of a cash there for her. I thought you said they made a mint. Anyway, it's me. Did they make a chocolate mint? I'm working in me candy shop. Oh, dee-doo, dee-doo, working candy for the kids. Well, here's Paul.

Hello. Sorry, I was just... Well, Willy Wanker. We're just here to taste some... Hello, Willy Wanker. We're just here to taste some... Hello, Willy Wanker. We're here to taste some sweets. I don't... The animal stuff,

I hope that's not going on on the premises anymore. Not today, no, no, no. I'm fucking knackered. I tell you. I was up to my guts in some sheep last night and oh...

Up to your guts? You were up to your guts in some sheep? I don't know how that works. I don't want to know how that works. You don't want to know. Usually you're up to the guts of the sheep. I don't know how that works. I don't want to know how that works. But usually you're up to the guts of the sheep. It's very disgusting.

That doesn't really make sense. It doesn't make sense, Willie. Anyway, the point being is that once I emptied both barrels into my sheep, I couldn't do no more. So they've all gone away to a day trip to Margate. Do you have any interest in confectionaries or sweets or the history of sweet

foods at all? No, I'm more of a... What made you get into it then? Well, no, what I do is I'm more like put my name on stuff. So I get this stuff from abroad that, you know, no one knows. Just because you happen to be called Willy Wanker. Yeah, and they think I make candy. So I just put my name on the cover. So you've got nothing to do with it really? No, I just repackage it.

Are you some kind of farmer in reality? I'm more like a businessman, you know. You own livestock. So we can add prostitution of animals to your... No, I just repackage it. Are you some kind of farmer in reality? I'm more like a businessman, you know. You own livestock. So we can add prostitution of animals to your... No, they're mine. You pimp out pigs. No, they're mine.

You fucking do. No, they're mine. You disgusting, actually disgusting character, you. And I don't think you, Paul should be very pleased with himself

for having created you because it's cheap. Excuse me, is that a teddy bear sewn to your chest? Yes, yes it is, Willie. And I'm proud. I'm proud of this.

Me and Point Dexter have decided to become... That just seems weird to me. Conjoined. This is the thing that seems weird to me. This is so offensive. This just seems weird to me. You know what? It's funny, isn't it?

Now the boot's on the other foot. All right. I'll take him out of the T-shirt let me let let he's not really let's agree to not be stitched to a bear and i'll agree only every other week to fuck a pig all right well what sweets have you got for me and paul here then willie well you remember i was snooping around last week and i saw you had those japanese ones from that chap so i just thought you can have them this week. Right, yes. I've put my name on them. Good link. You know, I've put my name on them. I've put my name on them.

So I'll pass them off as mine. Is there a letter from the person who sent them? Yeah, he said, have this, Paul. Thank you. Hang on, where is it? Thank you, Mr. Wanker.

What's Willie going to do now while we do this section? Well, um... Right, he's going to go fuck a pig. Yeah, go on. I mean, I might not. I haven't got the strength. You know, you should see...

How many barrels of spunk have you got left? If you squeeze one bollock really hard to hold it in, you can scooge out the other one. One barrel of spunk load in your sheep's arse. You know what? You write so beautifully. Thank you. Read the letter, Paul.

Okay, thank you. Okay, so here we go. Oh, dear. So, yeah, this is from Chris in Fukuoka. Chris, who sent the noodle cup. The noodle holder. Yeah. The noodle pouch.

Pouch, yeah. Pouch. He sent some candy. So, I included some froth-stop style Japanese sweets for you to enjoy. I decided to avoid the usual lol Japan is random type stuff, which is fair enough. I went for a general focus on grape and soda flavours as I remember you two enjoying that kind of thing on the pod. Oh, I'm getting a food hard on here, Paul. And Japan has a pleasing EY.

I'm standing to attention food mantel EYs. A selection of grapefruit products. Oh, soda and melon. First up, Eli. Yes. Is a selection of minis from various Japanese childhood favourites. So they have from left to right.

It's these little kind of, you know like nerds? They're like little mini boxes with little bits in. Yes, very similar to a nerd box. I just want to make sure I get the right ones because we're going to do this. Oh, here we go.

So, right to left, we've got yogurts, which are sugar tablets. We got poifle, fruit jelly beans. We got another poifle, but soda jelly. High lemon, lemon sugar tablets. And marble chocolate, which they say are pretty much Smarties. So that's what they are from left to right. Crazy.

Because now, what are the analogs in in the culture that we grew up because we we used they used to be like lucasade they did worse sugar tablets weren't they oh yeah yeah and that's what i see their high c must be something like that like a lucasade tablet or think about things like love hearts of refreshers yes so they weren't sold as sugar it was almost they were sold as almost like medicine oh i see you're talking like and i think that's what i see are meant to be, yeah. Because it's like high vitamin C, I think, their selling point is. It's a sugar tablet with loads of vitamin C in it.

Yeah, but they also say, don't they, that the high... Well, we've tried in the past. The high fruit ones are just delicious. Nice chew on them. So their tablets might be interesting, high on flavour. There's another little box as well. Look. And this one's got from...

These are great. Do you know what these remind me of? Those miniature... What were they called where you got the cereal all the different little cereal selections yeah they are a bit like that actually can you still get those yes you definitely can those used to really liven up my life yeah because you go well tomorrow ricicles but today it's a frosty's kind of day mama. So this box, by the way, this second one has banana chocos, banana-flavoured chocolate, coffee beet, coffee-flavoured chocolate, choco baby, which are just chocolate pellets, Apollo, strawberry chocolate combos, and a marble again.

So the marbles are kind of like their little mini Smarties. Yes. So the yoghurt ones are the ones we've got no analogue for, really. Well, I have seen yoghurt-covered peanuts and yoghurt-covered chocolates and stuff. Yes, but not traditionally when we were growing up in the corner shop. Not as a brand, as far as I remember. I don't remember any yoghurt things.

You wouldn't go, oh, I'll have a quarter of yoghurt plops or something, you know? No, you wouldn't, would you? So I'm going to go through these left to right, as described. Those are similar, are they? I want to try these alien yoghurt drops. Are those the yoghurt drops with the little alien on? Yes.

Okay. He's got to try those first, are you? Oh. Get stuck in. These are fantastic. Oh, they do smell great, though, as well. I love the little boxes. Oh, those are lovely.

Those little yoghurt ones. You've got to try those. All right. I'm going to have a banana choc, which is, look, it's a little banana. Shaped like a... You don't like banana, though. All right. I'm going to have a banana choc, which is, look, it's a little banana. Shaped like a, you don't like banana though. No, but I'm going to test it

for science. Yeah, I don't like it. It's like a hard banana candy. I love those. Actually, do you know what? That's not too bad at all, actually. Is it a different banana flavour? Is there some kind of Dracula

with that banana on the front? No, it's a... Or the other side? No, it's a monkey. It's a monkey, of course. Yeah, it's a naughty monkey. Here's a jelly bean. These look pretty standard.

I'm going to go for coffee beet next. There's jelly beans. Oh, my God, they're excellent. Coffee beet. Those jelly beans are excellent. Oh, those coffee beets are nice as well. Wow. You should try these ones.

We're going to swap over after we do it next. So now I'm going to try Choco Baby. A Poi-Ful. What are Poi-Ful? Poi-Ful. There are two types. One will be soda. Oh, that's another thing.

There's no analogue. Oh, there's jelly bean Poi-Ful. Of course there's an analogue, isn't there? Yeah. Cola bowls. Well, there are two types. One will be soda. Oh, that's another thing. There's no analogue. There's jelly bean Poi Ful. Of course there's an analogue, isn't there? Yeah. Cola bowls? Well, yeah, I guess. That's a soda candy, isn't it? But it's more of a kind of bubblegum flavoured thing, isn't it?

So if that's the blue one, it's probably soda, this one. These are soda flavoured jelly babies, basically. Beans, rather. Oh, and these choco babies look like little brown pellets. They're strange. Just little, like fudge rolls. Tootsie rolls. Tiny Tootsies. Oh no, but they're crunchy.

Apollo. Strawberry and chocolate combo. I've got some orange ones. These are just orange. High C, I think. They're the high C tablets, yeah. Then the last box will be your marble ones. Oh, look at that. Little strawberry, little chocolate coin. Very nice, those. I wonder these are childhood favourites. Yeah, fucking

hell. They're fucking great, man. Right, and finally the marbles, which are like little smarties. Oh, they are, they're like smarties. Oh, yeah, that's what I've ended up with as well. Yeah, there's one in each box. Oh, but are there any of these different that we tasted? We're going to have to do a little swapping around to taste each other's. They taste like smarties, mate.

Oh, those are smarties. Mmm. All right, so... You've got to try the little yoghurt aliens. Right, okay. Choco Baby, they're little rolls. Like you said. Have you spilt them?

Yeah. I've spilt the Poya Poya. Oh, you've spilt all the Poyfuls on the floor. All right, I've found most of them. I love the banana with the little monkeys. It's a boy, girl, and a boy monkey and a girl monkey because the girl monkey has flowers in her hair. Jelly bean, Poyful, lovely.

Next. Watch this. Yoghurt one. Try the yogurt one and I'll try a banana. Oh, those are chocolate bananas? Yeah. I thought they were going to be

solid banana the whole way through. Aren't they tasty? And I don't even like banana. Oh, wow. Yogurt one, good. It's got a crisp banana coating over the chocolate. Oh, soda.

No, there's different flavoured sodas. I'm going to try this one. They're fucking great. The jelly beans have a real elasticity. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They're not as mushy as jelly beans in the West. No, they can be nice and chewy and bouncy.

I'm going to try a choco baby. Right. High eight lemon. They're all quite fiddly, aren't they? They're tiny, all of these. Yeah. The boxes are small, but the things are the same size. But, mate, the candy don't stop there. The choo-choo train of candy keeps on going you haven't let me fucking

taste these all right oreo wow those coffee ones are nice as well yeah crunchy on the inside but nice and soft wow did you try the choco baby yeah man it's all nice it's really good lovely they all get five out of five out of five out of five. Those are really lovely. Yeah. Delicious. If you're into sweets, wow. Next. So now he's got all the grape and soda flavoured stuff.

So we're going to start with Juicy. Do you like stuff that's flavoured of grape, Paul? Yeah. I like it. We've had this discussion many times on the pod. Just remind me. Sorry. We're going to start with this one.

Juicy, which are melon soda, pineapple soda, cola soda and orange soda. The little beads that come in a little plastic tube. So they're random. Oh, and they have a little spout to pour out. A bit like Tic Tacs. A little thing. A bit like, yeah. Like a little loading bay

thing. Look at that. Oh no, it's like a shampoo bottle or something, isn't it? Kind of shaped like that. Like you can pour a few. A flip top sort of thing. Alright, here we go., it's like a shampoo bottle or something, isn't it? Kind of shaped like that. A flip top sort of thing. Here we go. I'm going to try this one. These are very similar shaped to the pills that we had just now. These are definitely sugary, more crumbly.

Nice. I just don't think they're on the level of those ones we just tasted. I'll go with that. A bit more brittle, but still. All the flavours are really good, aren't they? Next. This is the best fucking thing we are really good, aren't they? Next. This is the best fucking thing we've done on this podcast in decades. Next. Two bags of Ducan grape flavoured soft chews.

And they are little bags, little plastic bags, with what look like purple... Purple veras. Purple boiled sweets. Yeah, they've got a bag of purple veras. Pistachio purple vera. So these are grape flavoured... I've got blueberry flavoured. I know they're great

so I get them confused. They look like I guess you could say they're blue. Made by Meagham. Meagham, yeah. So they look like

like tree boar softments. These are all so fucking great, aren't they? Oh yeah. Texturally very similar to what those things are, Mentos mentos yes almost think of a mentos but with a really strong grape flavor coming through very sweet they're very nice aren't they next i'm gonna have a fucking sugar rush tack next is this is chewing gum so we might need to be careful with

this but it's cool to the end then all right let's do it. Next is Mintier Grape Mints. Mint and grape. Mint and grape. So these, they come in a little plastic, almost like a credit card sized wrap. Oh, they're mints. They're only mints because they're sort of like hand mints. What do they call them? Pocket mints.

What do you call them? I know what you mean. Because that used to get the lavender sweets the same way. They're breath mint shaped, I think is why they call it mint. I would be surprised if there was a mint flavour with the grape. I think it's just going to be a grape sort of acting as a breath mint. You see what I mean? A grape flavoured breath mint.

I think we're going to have to have a look at this. It's got a little fletch really thin. Yeah, it's a little breath mint dispenser thing. Yeah. Oh, it's got a little sminth. Breath mint, breath mint, breath mint, breath mint. Right. Like a breath mint, is it, Paul?

It's a grapey breath mint, isn't it? Yeah. It's got the texture of a smint. Yeah, that's why it's called a mintier. But it's grape. But it's grape flavoured. And it's great. You like it?

Yes. Oh, these are bubble gums as well. There's bubble gums. Oh, that's got a very strong grapey flavour. Hasn't it? Nice. Nice and tense, but still sweet and obnoxious. Nice.

All of these are bubble gums now. so here's a blackcurrant bubble gum, a grape bubble gum, and an orange bubble gum. Right, I'm going to try the chewing gum. He's really shaming me this week, isn't he, everybody? Don't be a dirty pig boy then, eh? Fuck off, I burnt my hand. Yeah. Sympathy would be nice.

Right, I'm having a chewing gum, blackcurrant, and here we go. Little round pellet. I'll have three at once, of the orange ones. That was very brave of you. Well, I wouldn't be able to blow a bubble, would I? You're going to try and blow a bubble.

It's not bubblegum, it's chewing gum, is it? Yes, it's... Well, no, the ones in the little boxes are bubblegums. Yeah. But the other ones are chewing gum, which we haven't gotten to yet. Right, I'm going to have an orange one now.

I just have to get this ready for bubbles. Right, while he's doing that, I'm going to attempt the orange one now. It's not to get this ready for bubbles. Right, while he's doing that, I'm going to attempt the orange one now. It's not congealing. That's quite a nice orange flavour, that. Yeah, it is a nice orange flavour, but it's not congealing. You're not getting enough texture to make a bubblegum with it. No, I can't even do it.

The podcast can't be us just chewing. I'm going to have to edit this out, obviously, because I can't have this. Well, wait a fucking minute, then. All right. What? What? I'm saying, look at me. because I can't have this. Well, wait a fucking minute, then. All right. There, there. No, no. What?

I'm saying, look at me. I can't do it. It breaks when you try and blow air through it. Here we go. Here we go. What? It breaks when you try and blow air through it. It's true, it does.

No, it's funny. It snaps the... Yeah, it snaps the membrane. Yeah. Right. I'm tired of chewing now. Yeah, it snaps the membrane. Yeah. Right. I'm tired of chewing now. Yeah, nice though. Nice gum.

Very nice. Retains the flavour as well. Nice throw, Paul. Right. Next one is the Xylitol, which is the... It just says grape chewing gum. And this is more like a...

Oh! More like a little rat tablet. I'm unwrapping it now. Oh, it just looks like a little... Chewing gum. Chewing gum. Crispy chewing gum. And this is more like a little wrapped tablet. I'm unwrapping it now. It just looks like a little chewing gum. Crispy chewing gum. Here we go. Yeah. You're going to blow a bubble now. Go on.

That'll do. It was very unimpressive, but it still affected you. Better than yours. Better than anything you managed. It was. Yes, it was. Stop doing that. You sound like a sea lion. Now you sound like a seagull. Stop it.

Stop it. Now we have a finale. Stop. Why are you so... What are you laughing at? What are you laughing at? Stop it. You're frightening me. Stop laughing. You sound frightening me! Stop laughing!

You sound like a sea lion! A fucking seagull! You sound like I'm at the saddest fucking seafront in the world! Shut up! I'm alright. I'm not alright! No, you're not! I need a minute.

We're going to end with prawn crackers. I need a minute, man. Prawn? We're going to end with prawn crackers. Oh need a minute, man. Prawn? We're going to end with prawn crackers. Oh, God. Yeah. I can't eat them, so you're going to have to end this segment with prawn crackers.

All right, give me a second to control myself. I haven't tasted the grape one yet. Oh, taste it. What was it like? It's very grapey, but it also does have a menthol-y aftertaste. Does it? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's nice. I really like it. Another great throw, Paul. Just stop. Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee. I really like it. Another great throw, Paul. That's you laughing. There you go.

Laughing himself to death. Shut up. And in the bag, you'll find some prawn rice crackers, which are a personal favourite of his. They're made with real prawns, so Paul can't eat them. Thank you for the entertainment. I hope you enjoy the sweets. He also says, cheap joke, but Fukuoka's official international airport code is FUK.

Oh, I've heard of that, yeah. Get to fuck. That's really striking, the menthol grapiness of that chewing gum. I quite like it. It's subtle, but it's effective. It's very nice. This has just been great, non-stop candy fun. I know, I got a bit tired of the grape after a while there.

Yeah, maybe, but there's too much good shit around there. Right, end with the crackers now, please. Oh, watch. Off the rim! Now. Sounds like what you do to point, Dexter. How bad is your, I'm doing finger quotes here, allergy to seafood? Genuine and can be unpleasant.

So I can't eat them. If you sniffed it. Oh, if you sniff it, it's fine. What if particles go up your nose? I'll take that risk. And you get an allergic reaction. I'll take the risk. Read, everyone, read psychological reaction.

Oh, baby, you've got to try this. He did a big old oaf. Yeah, you've got to try this. He did a big old oaf. Yeah, you've got to smell that. That is proper prawny. Oh, that's very prawny, but not in a kind of prawn cocktail way. That's in a... In a seafood,

especially that fresh prawn. Walking past the... A fishmonger's. A fishmonger's. Oh, dear. Very strong, isn't it? How very accurate. Very...

Oh, God, those are like crabby as well. Yeah. But these are prawn. They must have real prawn in them. Yeah. Thank you again, Chris. This has been most fun. These are little sort of diamond shapes.

Yeah. Hexagonal. Little rice crackers. Yeah. Flat diamond shapes. They're orange in colour, Paul. Yes. As we've mentioned, they've got...

And they're slightly ribbed. Oh. Oh, he's having a munch wow tasty yes but they're extremely fishy like almost anchovy levels i don't know if you ever ate them during your fish eating career i don't have much of a fish eating career nor do you do you have a fish eating career now i can't go anywhere with that fucking move on what are you gonna do what are you gonna say something i wasn't i wasn't What were you going to do? What were you going to say? Something terrible? I wasn't. I wasn't going to say anything terrible. You were.

You were going to make a joke about it. Here's the truth. I couldn't think of anything at all. I couldn't think of anything unoffensive, offensive, silly, funny. Couldn't think of anything. I was dry. I regretted going down that. You were dry, but much like?

I was dry. Much like? Purple Vera. Yes. I was as dry as Purple Vera's clunge. I've got all blocking up my nose, and I feel like my voice is being affected, Paul, so I think we need to stop,

and I need to reset mucally, and then we can come back, everybody. All right, well then, because... Oh, do you want to score for the prawn? Yes. Very good. Extremely fishy. Very redolent of the sea.

Redolent of standing on the bow of a ship, Paul. Right. On an oaken ship, sturdy beneath, all a bit squidged from their waters. And you look out, Paul. You look out. And a shrimp goes right in your face. Little tentacles up your nose. Little tentacles up your nose.

And you crunch its head and all the green stuff goes down. It's like that. Right. So what? About a B? I'll give it a B+. Yeah, good. Thank you. Tasty. Everything else, all the green stuff goes down. It's like that. Right, so what? About a B? I'll give it a B+. Yeah, good. Thank you.

Tasty. Everything else, all the candy sweets, A star. They were very nice. In all honesty, they were very nice. I'm going to eat these right now and finish them off because why not? I just need to evacuate my nasals of all the snot. I'm sorry, everyone, if you're hearing that now. I try and be professional.

I try and work on something. I try and then when I laugh and work on something I try and and then when I laugh a bit when I'm enjoying myself I get mocked for it and he wet his pants a bit as well I bet he wet his pants a bit

from all that laughing I didn't no I didn't did Leaky Ken Leaky Ken was Leaky Ken sick in his mouth is that basically what happened no Leaky Ken doesn't refer

to the junk mate it does no it refers to little spob-offs right come on. Just end this. End this. All right.

What are you doing here? I've just... I told you now my da started now. I have told you... No, you listen here, though. Mr. Wanker before. I've got a... You are no longer welcome.

I pay my rent. You are no longer welcome around here. And this is now the property. What am I going to do about my candy factory? This whole premise is now, according to this writ, which is written down here. This whole bit. What's going on over there?

What's going on over there? I think there's some kind of fracas. What? You can't throw me out. I've got dirt on you. I've got fucking dirt on you. I've got pictures. My good foe,

you must leave the premises right now. Oh, God. Take your dirty, bestial ways, my good foe, and you hide your way down. Is this just because I fucked a pig? Well, I don't like the sound of that. I don't think we... I think we should just go... Wait until they've had their

argument, Eli. Then we'll just go around the back and have a soda drink. Now, you get out of here, Mr.'t think we, I think we should just go, wait until they've had their argument, then we'll just go around the back and have a soda drink. Now you get out of here, Mr. Wanker, right now. This is really awkward. I'm not,

you can't, I shall not, I shall not be moved. Oh, Wanker, will you stay here because I have to do this? I shall not,

I didn't fucking get to even say goodbye to my residents who came in to taste Japanese candy. Those are not your residents. Well. Those are my little boys.

Eli, Paul, Ophria, you know me, don't you? You know me. Yes. He's fucking, don't wave at Wanker. We want to be on Jeremy. That's right. Oh, you know me, don't you, boys? You know I'm not up to no good with pigs and fucking shit.

Do you? I'm a good boy. You'll stand up for me, won't you? So let's just go round the back No we need the Where are you going Come on boys please Don't fuck me over like this

You have been a very naughty man Mr Willy Wanker And I will punish you But firstly You go to sleep by taking one of my Special poison sodies. Now drink it all down, fella. Now have a little nap.

Oh, I feel very overcome. The Sandman will visit you in your dreams and drop sprinkles on your eyelids. Oh, what's going on? Oh, now boys. Yes? It's sleepy time. Oh, now, boys. Yes? Oh, hello, boys. Hello. It sure is good to see you two fellas again.

Especially you, Paul. You look like a lovely little fellow there. How you been feeling? Yeah, no, good. No, just generally, lately, how you been feeling? No, I mean, thank you for the drinks you've been sending.

Feeling good. Thank you for the drinks you've been sending in the post. I've been testing them, like you said. Oh, that's my pleasure, young man, young G, young Paul. I drinks you've been sending in the post. I've been testing them like you said. Oh, that's my pleasure, young man, young G, young G. I have got a bit of a rash, though. Oh, Eli.

A bit of a rash every time I drink. Use this cream. I don't know what. Have you been in contact with Juicy Jeremy? He just sends me a bottle of pop in the post and then I drink it. Why don't I get one? Oh, you wouldn't like it. Why doesn't he get one?

He wouldn't like it. Right, okay.'t he get one? He wouldn't like it. Right, okay. I wouldn't like it. I like Sodi. But why do I get a rash after I drink it, though? Oh, that's a sign of good Sodi, Pop. All right, well, okay. That's a special sign that you're the special little boy.

I mean, Eli, I get a free pop out of it, so I'm not going to turn that down, am I? You're my special, special little old boy. So have you got any special drinks for us to test on the show today? I do! Oh, I got some sody pop for you. My name wouldn't be Juicy Jeremy, Sody Jerker, if I didn't have sody pop for you.

Let me have a little look at what I got down here. Eli, can you just dial it down a bit, because I'm fucking getting worn out by it. Let's have a little look what I got down here. Shut your fucking mouth, Paul. Can Eli take over for a bit? I can't take over. Piercing.

Look, I can see he's got his crossword puzzles. He's got his paper in his back pocket. I'll go over here, boys. No, no, no. I'm sorry. That's my doppelganger. It's an echo. Now, you shut up. You shut up. It's my doppelganger. It's an echo. Now, you shut up.

You shut up. It's very echoey back here. Have you noticed? Very echoey back here. Anyway, I'm doing my crossword. I'm doing my crossword. You fucker. You fucker.

I'm fucking not doing this. You let Juicy Jeremy have a fucking normal... Put the juices down, all right? Just fucking get on with it. I'm getting tired of the voice. Ooh, my boy, my special boy. Most podcasts don't go through this fucking shit every week

where wacky characters introduce segments when everyone listening knows it's just us, two grown middle-aged men having a mental fucking breakdown on a weekly basis. I got two special sodas for you and I'll let you get on with these and I'll just go do me crosswords, okay? Alright, bye then. I'm just going to the corner. I got two special sodas for you and I'll let you get on with these and I'll just go do me crosswords, okay? All right, bye then.

I'm just going to the corner. I want to see you afterwards, boy. I'll see you afterwards, boy. You'll hear of every fucking big fucker. All right, well, he's asleep over there as well. I'll do a fucking doppelganger of your character. Doppelgang you. It is soda jerk time.

Thwopplegang bang you. Now, these have been pointed out to us on the Twitters. Yes. And they look right up our street, don't they? They do. They look adjacent to our living space. These are both Candy Can. That's the brand.

That's right. Someone saw them at B&M, did they? I think someone said, yeah, they saw them at B&M. You get a lot of different types of soft drink around here. Yeah. All sorts of shops. Candy cans. So these are sweet-flavoured, as in confectionery brand flavoured.

So these are like a double whammy of the froth shop and the soda shop. Yeah, it's a mash-up. It's a mash-up. We've got two flavours here. I haven't seen any other flavours. No. So I think these are the only two. Okay.

Bubblegum. Okay, so I can imagine what bubblegum's going to taste like. Tastes like that generic bubblegum flavour. Yeah, what is that? Do you know what? Have you had those refreshers? Soft Twizzler things? No. They do a bubblegum flavour. Do they? Oh, baby. Baby, baby. I tried it the other day. Baby, baby.

I was getting a big froth on. It was nice. Yeah. Very bubblegum, like the artificial bubblegum flavour that you remember. Where does that flavour come from? Because it's not like regular bubblegum flavour. It's like from Hubba Bubba or whatever. It has something in relation to juicy fruit flavour, doesn't it? Similar to the juicy fruit flavour.

Oh, he's going to do a deep dive. I might have a little deep dive. He's going to do a Wikipedia deep dive on bubblegum flavour. It was pink bubblegum at first. Oh, hang on. What is the flavour of bubblegum? All right, here we go. It's fruit.

Like most artificial flavours, bubblegum is first. Oh, hang on. What is the flavour of bubblegum? All right, here we go. It's fruit. Like most artificial flavours, bubblegum is simply a mixture of volatile compounds, those that evaporate and have odours, that's what that means, that are supposed to imitate a natural flavour. But does bubblegum really mimic another natural occurring flavour? Yeah, how flavour works. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You picked the fucking first article that came along. It's probably a fucking ad for spinach or something. So to bubblegum bubblegum flavor is absolutely made up it is derived using esters which are flavoring chemicals with a distinctive fruit-like odor that mimic natural tastes for instance banana bubblegum flavor is a strawberry banana punch type of flavor yeah knew it so that's all that way to get to that. That's what Juicy Fruit is as well. Yeah. Artificial Esters. That's a good... It's a character name. Artificial Esther. Is that a real coat you're wearing

Esther? No, it's faux fur. Artificial Esther. Right, let's taste these. We haven't even let me get to the new one. Oh yeah. Pistain Vera's going to come in, by the way. What with Purple Vera? Purple Vera stroke Pistain Vera. What was it vera? Purple vera, stroke pistain vera. What was it?

Anti-scattering... Lisa. Lisa. Well, she's not real. Bubble gum, we got. Yes. It's a sugar-free. We've established that.

I can't see who manufactured them. No. Cotton candy, the other flavour. Okay. Yuck. That's just going to be super sweet, though, isn't it? It's going to be very kind of... Cotton candy has a slight caramel vanilla, doesn't it?

Caramelly. Yeah, you're right. It's a burnt sugar, because that's what it is. It's going to be very kind of Cotton candy has a slight caramel vanilla doesn't it? Caramelly yeah you're right. It's a burnt sugar because that's what it is it's sort of like it's literally that yeah it's heated sugar sort of. So I'm excited

What do you want to start with here Paul? Well I think we should start with the bubble gum because we kind of know what we're going to get. Well I've got you a glass and I'm just going to pour you some in

and you'll tin it. I'm going to pour you some in I might have a little cheeky little huff on I think you're allowed to have a fizzle. I'm going to huff on the crack as might have a little cheeky little huff on the crack. I think you're allowed to have a fizzle. I'm going to huff on the crack as it opens. What's the smell?

Very generic. Can I sniff? I want to sniff. Oh, it's like blue raspberry, it smells like. It's that ester flavour. Oh, that's bubblegum to my nose. Oh, really? I'm not getting that.

I'm just getting a much more generic sort of fruit. You're right. It's got that kind of hubba-bubba. What colour do you think this will be called? Oh, I don't think it's going to. If it would be a very light pink, if anything. Zero sugar, so it's... It's either going to be clear or a very light pink.

Yeah, I was right. It's got a... This can is a sort of size and shape of a sort of medium-sized Red Bull. Yes, it's one of those shaped tins. 330 millilitres. It's got a nice colour, it's a nice pink. It's quite opaque, isn't it? Again, it's the Ghostbusters 2 slime pink.

It's a cloudy pink. Have a little sip of that it's not exactly bubblegum now um there's not much flavor there weirdly it's quite tart isn't it no you know what that is that's the kind of chemically oh that's sweet but i can't really taste the bubblegum it's there it is there but it's so washed out it's got that coke that sort of acid they add to coke to stop it being sickly. Do you know what I mean? That tartness. God, he likes it. Pull down the rest of it.

I just find that extremely unpleasant and I'm not getting a lot of bubble gum off it. No, it's not much. It's really horrible. I only drank it all because you have to use it again for the other tin, don't you? Yeah, sorry. I'll give you less this time. I'll be honest, mate. Painful.

We need a grade score for that. Right, right. The new grade score I have to give. I'm sorry. It's a D plus. I'll give an F. That fails for me. Really, completely.

It's sort of both artificial and watery and tart. You know what? I was also going to defend it, though. And it's got no back end. Do you know what I mean? There's nothing around the corner. It kind of almost burns at the back. There's nothing around the corner. You kind of almost burns at the back. There's nothing around the corner.

If you're expecting some kind of niceness, some kind of, some kind of rotundity to the end of the flavour pool, nothing rounds off. No. It all just falls off. Like you're left in a corridor.

You know, couple of bloodstains there, maybe, on the lino. There we go. It's an old school lino. Bing bong, Eli's off on a sing song.

I didn't say bing bong. I'm imagining a corridor, which is the back end of the flavour. Eli's off on his, one of his bing bong I'm imagining a corridor which is the back end of the flavour Eli's off on his one of his magical chodney adventures and then I'm standing there by the glass on

the door safety glass looking through into a brighter lit corridor Eli maybe with a wooden you're a friend and I do genuinely love you and I want

the very best for you but right now I would like to chin you with this glass tankard. Don't fucking chin me. That would be the end. Yeah. That would be the end for you. And it would be the most

perfect end. Do you think the cotton candy's going to be better? I give that an F, that. I did not like that. Based on that, based on what we've just had, I'm going to say we're going to have the same problem. Not much flavour and a lot of artificial aftertaste. I'm just going to try and get a huff off the crack of the dawn.

See, there's almost a lemoniness to that, which I just think didn't fit with the bubblegum flavour. That's what I thought. There's a lemonade kind of thing going on. Yeah, which doesn't work. No. I want it to be more sweet and almost more artificial. You know what I mean? Less of that. I'm sure I've had like Panda Pops that taste more bubblegummy than that.

Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying. This just smells really lemony. I'll pour you some. I can detect the kind of cotton candy, what they're doing. Oh, it's clear. Well, it's kind of

slightly blue. It is slightly blue. More clear, but it is greeny blue. A turquoise? No, it's a green. It's greeny blue, yeah, turquoisey.

It's kind of like a, it's like a pea green. Yes. Oh, this smells like cake. It does, it smells like birthday cake. Yeah. It's that vanilla- a... It's like a pea green. Yes. Oh, this smells like cake. It does. It smells like birthday cake. Yeah. It's that vanilla-y...

Actually, didn't someone say they had a birthday cake flavour? Maybe that's what we're missing if there's another one. Oh, is there a birthday cake flavour as well? That's... Maybe what's... Well, I'll look out for them.

I'll have to keep an eye out and give you an update. Here we go, boys and girls. You taste that first. Does it suffer from... That is the worst fucking thing. Does it suffer from a similar problem I can't even explain it

it tastes like it tastes like something that used to contain a drink but this is the drip tray of that drink it's got a real aspartame

artificial heat much more than the bubblegum one do you know what I mean as soon as it's like it's like I have raised my

appreciation it's like the worst Diet Coke I've ever tasted do you know what I mean that's bad it's like... It's like... I have raised my appreciation. It's like the worst Diet Coke I've ever tasted. Do you know what I mean? That's bad. It's like Diet Coke without anything that makes Diet Coke nice. Just the pure aspartame chemical here. Almost want to give the bubblegum flavour a better grade now. This is so watery and artificial at the same time.

It is. Oh, God. And when I say watery, I mean the flavour, not the actual sort of, you know. No, I know. I get exactly what you mean. It feels like very,

very weak. Weak flavours, yeah. Or weak cordial. And there's very, there's no candy floss. Oh, God, that's really unpleasant. That really doesn't work. If you'd said to me

this is birthday cake flavour, I'd probably believe you more because it has more of that icing. Because it tastes like icing. Like weak icing. Yeah. Joyless icing.

Which is what I did to my pillow. You don't have to finish it, Paul. God, mate. Joyless icing. That's a good one, that one.

You don't have to finish that. That's it. We're done with those. Paul, now, it wasn't a great soda and we don't want to... Before we get

Juicy Jeremy over to finish, can I just... I'm not having him finish on me. Poetic icings. Now... Poetic icing. Now... Yeah? I do have a little... Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Special source report. Take your mind off it, yeah?

Take your mind off that drink. You've got two seconds because this segment's overrunning. Fuck you! The source report has arrived. Fuck you. The Sauce Report has arrived. Fuck you. I have to edit this every week. Take your sauce spoon, which I've brought for you. Quick. Spoon.

Check. Now what's the sauce? I'll hand it to you and then you tell everyone. Right. I want to taste it. You can't find it? Can't find it. Here we go.

Here's the sauce. Now you tell everyone what it is. We're going to taste it now on the Sauce Report. Welcome to the Sauce Report, everyone. I wanted this to be 15 minutes. Now we've gone over. It's about sauces. We can't mix.

This section of the show is about sauces. Coleman's OK Sauce. What does that mean? Fruity. Fruity sauce. Don't spill it. It smells like fruity HP. It might be a bit like HP.

It is. It's thick as fuck and it's not pouring out. I've got my special ladle. I'm just going to use the neck. Yeah, use the neck. What was that like, Paul? It's like fruity HP. What do you mean fruity? It's sweeter than HP. It's almost as if someone took ketchup and HP and mixed it together. Oh, really?

Oh, I can't do this. Hang on a sec. I've just got to try this sauce. No, I can't drink. Oh! A big dollop came out. It's quite saucy, isn't it? It's quite solid. I can't drink... Oh, like a big dollop came out. It's quite saucy, isn't it? It's quite solid. I can't drink that shit and then eat the sauce

after all the candy. I'm beginning to feel really, really ropey, mate. Oh, mate, please. Yeah, too much. Oh, that's very tart sauce. It's very vinegary. Oh, mate,

please stop this segment. It's very vinegary and fruity, isn't it? Just like some shit is. Oh, that's much, much vinegreer. Yeah. Oh, please stop this segment. It's very vinegary and fruity, isn't it? Just like some shit is. Oh, that's much vinegrier. Yeah. Wrap it up. Strange sauce. Wrap it up now. Juicy Jeremy. What a bizarre sauce. Oh, hello, boys.

I did a crossword. I must be getting stronger. How are you feeling, Paul? Not good, mate. Okay, well, I'll send you some sodie in the meal. Thank you. Bye. All of a sudden, I feel really sick. Oh, I'm getting out of my old jalopy. I genuinely feel really sick. I'm just going to put Willy Wanker in the meal. Thank you. Bye. All of a sudden I feel really sick. Oh, I'm getting out my old jalopy. I genuinely feel really sick.

I'm just going to put Willy Wanker in the bed. That's right, I'm over here, et cetera. Wake up. Right.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of this segment. I might vom. Do, do, do, do. That sauce did not work after those, mate. No.

Little up-deg. Up-deg. Little up. No. Little up-deg. Up-deg. Little up-eg. Little up-eg. Update on the egg crisps. Little egg date. I think we didn't understand the actual,

what those crisps are meant to be. Right. I've tasted some more and you said they were a bit soft. They are soft because they are covered in egg yolk. Do you know that for a fact, though?

Yes, I know for a fact. You don't know that for a fact. The drawing has a picture of egg yolk going onto the crisps. Someone help me out there in listener land to put this guy in the fucking right box. I know I'm right because I taste it. I can taste the yolk

on the crisp. Salted egg crisp. What are the egg yolk crisps? What are they? Put that into fucking Google. I'm not doing it. I just don't care. I think you're wrong. You're basing it off of a packet. I can taste. That's what they've been drizzled in yolk, mate. I don't know if that's... I'm not saying you're wrong,

but I'm saying you're basing it on nothing other than the drawing on a pack of crisps. No, and the fact... So what? When you see fucking salt and pepper, and they have a pepper and salt, they actually really do sprinkle the salt and pepper on because you see it on the fucking label.

It has egg dripping on. The egg is part of the actual thing. Of course I wouldn't... Oh, look, there's cheese fucking label. It has egg dripping on. The egg is part of the actual thing. Of course I wouldn't. Oh look there's cheese and onion. They take a crisp and they rub an egg and some onions on it.

Egg? Cheese. They rub a cheese and some onion on it. Oh look because it says it on the wrapper. I can see because some of them deeper

into the packet are swimming in yolky bits and that's part of the joy of it. I don't believe, I don't know. I think you're full of shit and I want you to

shut up and stop eating egg crisps while we're doing this. That's another episode of Cheap Show. Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed our comical exploits. So if you want to see pictures that accompany this episode,

you can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk and that's a one-stop shop to links for everything such as the official merch page, Tony's art and merch page. There's the Cheap Show magazine physical print editions, which you also can get free as a digital download if you're a Patreon supporter. And if you are, you can go and join us at patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

Give what you can, but only if you can. And you'll get access to podcasts and magazines and extra videos and all sorts of secrets and surprises and behind the stage gubbins. So that's what you can do. And it's all there on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. However, if you want to send anything to us in the post for a price of shite or something to eat and try and nibble on, you can. Cheap Show, P.O. Box 1309, Harrow, HA1, 9QJ And also, on this podcast that you listen to on the app, if you go to the info, there's all the links in there. You can actually use your app and go straight to the links.

I just realised that now. For what? Like, when you play your app, you open your app and you play the episode and it says, like, description and it has, like, this month's, this week's episode. It's like, Paul does this this week and underneath I put links to all the webpages and shit. So, that's good, isn't it? Paul, that's not what i wanted to hear you know what i want to hear what i need a grade for the sauce the sauce colmans they make mustard it'd be nice with

chips i would give it uh b you ate it raw off a spoon it's hard to judge it's very bad i'll roar off a spoon yeah and another thing right and that's all we got time for this week on my twitter handle we're not man fuck we're not doing twitter all right i'm gonna sing a song then no all right then twitter at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show eli is eli snoidy l-i-s-o-n-o-i-d piss ain't vera sad all day she has had a long one Pistain Vera in her web of mucus in the kangaroo's pouch

she's sad she's tired she go to sleep now and you should too you should too Pistain Vera here we go right at the end right at the end he snapped like a twig.

You stupid, stupid seagull giggling twat. You fucking honking sea lion of a gormless dipshit. Fuck off. I'm on Twitter, everybody. You've done that bit. He likes noise. He likes us. He likes us.

Point dices here. Yeah, come on, go for all your thing, your crisps, eat your crisps, lick your spoon, fiddle with your beer. I'm not licking my spoon. Do whatever you've got to, Eli, to desperately struggle out of this ending. Well, am I in this podcast anymore? Not no more. It's the Paul

Gannon Show with full, raw sex appeal. And here's my final song to play you out. That's what we're going to do each week now. We're going to play out on a song that I say. Just decided. And here we go. This week it's especially for you. No, don't do that again. Paul, press the fucking button.

I want to cover you with my glistening goo. And thanks for Chris for sending those Japanese sweets in. I want to do it in the park or in the zoo. Delicious. Those prawn crackers. I might rub a prawn cracker on Paul. So hot and sexy. I'm going to write the word dork in allergy pus.

I close my eyes. I spoffed on you. Oh. Dirty midnight icing. Oh. Oh, spoff will do. A splash of goo. A flash of minge.

All of a sudden, it began to twinge. Oh, hello, I'm Ganch Kada. No, we've stopped now. That's it, we've done it. Bye-bye. you