CheapShow - Ep 257: Plop Quiz

Starting point is 00:00:00 I wish I'd recorded that. Shut up. I wish I'd recorded your dirty squirt. We're not starting like that. It's tough. We're not starting like that. But no laughter from me this week. That's for sure.

Starting point is 00:00:12 No laughter at all? No. So, what? You can't make me laugh. You don't make me laugh. You got laugh-shamed last week. What do you mean laugh-shamed? Because I pointed out how your laugh is stupid

Starting point is 00:00:21 and sounds like all the animals at the seafront. You said seagull and sea lion. Yeah. You were both... Is that both of them, is it? Sounded like a dubstep Bee Gees. And I just made you laugh. No, you didn't.

Starting point is 00:00:37 So, fuck you, buddy. What about seeing an enemy? What would that sound like? That's his little anus mouth. No, they're more like this, aren't they? Apparently, they're the noisiest thing in the world because when all of them go off at the same time, it's like... See them, M&E's?

Starting point is 00:00:50 Yeah. I was joking. What, they all, like, with their mouth arseholes on the rocks? Yeah, there's a particular breed. They have fucking bum mouths on the rocks. All squirty. All squelchy squelch on the rocks. Eating rocks.

Starting point is 00:01:02 Are they? Paul? Are they? Are they? Have you Are they? Are they? Have you done? Are you done? Are you done? I would just like to start officially with my impression of a sea anemone.

Starting point is 00:01:12 Ladies and gentlemen, performing the role of sea anemone is actor, comedian, and voice artist, Eli Silverman. Hello, I'm Jimmy Anemone. Why are they speaking? Why is it speaking? I thought I'd give him some character. It's not a very good impression if it's a speaking C and Enemy. But Paul, he's called Jimmy.

Starting point is 00:01:31 Everyone's called Jimmy on this fucking podcast. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. It's just a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Cheap show. It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Starting point is 00:02:24 Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Tell you what, Paul. Yes? I'm angry today. How angry are you, Mr Silverman? Well angry. Why? Because I just looked in Itsu, which is next door.

Starting point is 00:02:36 We're in the house of Chudaham. We're in the house of... The Chudah pub. Mock Chudah. The Witherspoon's Chudah Mub. The Withery Spoons. Today. Yes.

Starting point is 00:02:45 And I'm getting a breeze in my armpits. I can't turn the air con off. I like it. I've got this chill. I feel like I'm in a haunted house. I've got an icy breeze going from my armpits. Yeah? Good, because I can see them.

Starting point is 00:02:57 It's quite circulation. It looks like you're hiding two Ken Dodds under your arms. Nice. People over 50 will get that. I don't give two shits. I don't watch new telly. Well, just listen to our listenership, yeah? And pitch some stuff they might know.

Starting point is 00:03:08 Two Harry Styles under your armpits. Is he a hairy boy? He's quite hairy. He's not frizzy, though, is he? He's not frizzy. I'm trying to think of, like, a frizzy mopped star. Mopped? Hair mopped.

Starting point is 00:03:20 A mopped hair. I'll tell you why I'm angry. Do you want to know why I'm angry? No, I've gone off that idea. I want to think about fizzy top actors. Fizzy topped now. Yeah, fuzzy top actors from New York City. I think we should start again.

Starting point is 00:03:31 Do you think? I mean, am I just saying that because I always say that? Yeah, because you always say that. But I actually genuinely do think we maybe should. The problem is, the more that you say you genuinely don't want to, the more I am more inclined to stick with this to the bitter, bitter beginnings. I'm angry because I looked in its suit. Yes.

Starting point is 00:03:47 Which is near the studio. Yes. And they've got the sauce kiosk things in there, you know, where the sauces live. Yes. And it said, pimp your pot-sue on it. Right. Pimping noodles is my fucking thing. Right, for one.

Starting point is 00:04:04 And also pot su Take your pot su and stick su it su Up su your dick so old su You know what I mean You wank su off su Pollard su Do you know what I mean though I hate it su

Starting point is 00:04:19 Fuck them Unless they want to sponsor a cheap show I hate their aspirational, bland, bullshit food. Why? Have you tasted it? It's really bland. It's like, you know. Well, they're not going to give us a sponsorship now anyway, are they?

Starting point is 00:04:32 That's why you have to pimp it. That's why they fucking give you loads of sriracha. To fucking pour the sriracha in. To try and give it some kind of fucking flavour. Tell you what, I'm angry. What? Because our guest, the reason why we're recording here, didn't turn up because it was their birthday

Starting point is 00:04:45 and they forgot, quote unquote. So, you know what? We've got no guest. It's just me and you. I know. In this weird situation where we're at opposite ends of this table and we're like, I'm about to fire you from the job. Well, I hope you're not.

Starting point is 00:04:57 No, I'm not because you've been doing good this year. In fact, let's do your... It's near the end of the year. We should do your evaluation. I don't like that. I don't feel comfortable with this. What have you got? I'm just getting my notes out.

Starting point is 00:05:08 It's imaginary, everybody. Oh, I've got this. Oh, he's got, he's wrapping his knuckles on something. Right, anyway, on a book, which apparently are my notes. Your dusty knuckles. So, come and sit down, Mr. Silverman. It's been a year. We're in HR, right?

Starting point is 00:05:20 I'm actually already sitting down. Right, I know, but for the magic of radio. Let's pretend you're sitting down. Please take a seat, Mr. Silverman. We're not on radio. Magic of audio podcasts. Thank you. Get it right.

Starting point is 00:05:29 Mr. Silverman, please take a seat. Oh, hello. I'm Jimmy Silverman. You see, that's one of the problems we've been having with you this week, isn't it? What? We've been lots of complaints about you this year. What do you mean? Naughty behaviour.

Starting point is 00:05:39 I haven't done nothing. Paul Gannon has done 17 or 18. Brain broke. I can't think of words. You can't think of words. Complaints. There's been complaints against me. Yes. Jimmy Silverman.

Starting point is 00:05:53 No, you're not. Stop calling yourself Jimmy. Stop calling. Let's agree right now between you and me. No one anymore is called Jimmy. What if someone is actually called Jimmy? Then they're allowed to be Jimmy. Everyone's allowed to be Jimmy if they're Jimmy. But if they're not Jimmy, we're not calling called Jimmy. What if someone is actually called Jimmy? Then they're allowed to be Jimmy. Everyone's allowed to be Jimmy if they're Jimmy. But if they're not

Starting point is 00:06:07 Jimmy, we're not calling them Jimmy. There'll be no new Jimmys, no old Jimmys, no Jimmy Jimmys, unless they're a real Jimmy. Jimmy Jimmy. Hello, I'm Eli Silverman. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon. Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. Oh, we're not doing the HR thing. You've dropped that. Yeah. Because it wasn't going anywhere

Starting point is 00:06:25 It really wasn't Well I was hoping for some feedback Alright okay So alright How do you feel this year's gone then? Fucking brilliant I've been outstanding What has been your highlight do you think?

Starting point is 00:06:34 Erm This year Think about all the adventures What did we do this year? I like the out and about ones Yeah we went to Rendlesham maybe I really liked No Rendlesham sucked

Starting point is 00:06:42 It fucking did Why? Because it was so boring You were bored by Rendlesham sucked. It fucking did. Why? Because it was so boring. You were bored by Rendlesham. I was, because it's a pre-planted forest. All of it was basically knocked down in the great hurricane of 86. Yeah. And it's just a bunch of rows of trees in a row.

Starting point is 00:06:57 All man-made in a row like. Yeah, but what about the UFO element? You didn't find that engaging? No. Why? It was boring. You know what was a good episode? What? The Hampstead Heath one. Well, I did clues

Starting point is 00:07:07 and you had to follow them and then we went and looked at Schrodinger's house. No, it's not Schrodinger's house. We didn't look at Schrodinger's house, did we? Oh! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! So, alright. That was maybe your best episode. What do you think, though, is your low light?

Starting point is 00:07:25 Maybe last week's laughing fit, which I couldn't control? Maybe. I would like to suggest the previous 50 episodes from this year. Ooh. Yeah, I'd like to suggest they were all your low points. So what are my aim? What are my goals moving forward, then? Well, we've got a little bit of punctuality.

Starting point is 00:07:39 We need to improve that, because you're often very late or tardy with your behaviour and willing to engage in the podcast. I'm tardy with your uh behavior and willing to engage with my behavior yeah what does that mean my behavior is late yes well i tell you a joke and you don't laugh for ages i never laugh you do you don't you laugh right now okay try it you won't manage it squodge fronk come on no i gave her a good old fraud squonking. No! I want to laugh. I do want to, but I'm not... Oh, I took two minutes

Starting point is 00:08:07 to the toilet to give him a frog squonk. Let's just start the show, mate. You're failing here. Hello! I am Squonk Frog. No, he's got to be called Jimmy. He's not called Jimmy.

Starting point is 00:08:16 Right, let's start the show. We're going to go straight into it. Yay, what have we got on the show coming up today, Paul? I know we haven't got a guest. I know. Do you want to pretend we've got a guest?

Starting point is 00:08:23 Let's just invent one. Today we've got... It's got to be Jimmy. He's got to be called Jimmy. No. His name is Jimmy Jim Jom Jom. I don't have Jimmy Jim Jom Jom. It's lovely to be in the show, everybody.

Starting point is 00:08:34 Now you're on tour at the moment. Are you Jimmy Jim Jom Jom? I certainly am. I've got loads of shows coming up. Jim Town, James Town, Jimmy Jam, Jim Jim. This has gone off the rails. Fuck it. Let's just crack on with the fucking show.

Starting point is 00:08:45 We're going to do a prize of shite. And then we've got a Ganon's Golden Games this week. A Ganon's Golden Games. So let's begin that right now. No, no, that games bit. The first bit. Oh, fucking. Bollocks.

Starting point is 00:08:59 Fucking bollocks. Win or win if it's not. Oh, fuck me. You did it again. I was about to start recording and you let a little Tommy squeaker out. Well, that's professional support. We're in a sealed room and the breeze is coming my way. So I'm getting icy farts this way.

Starting point is 00:09:18 I've got a cold front coming on. Give me a break. Sorry, I kicked the table there as well. Stop breaking wind. I've not. You don't need to. I haven't. You're squirting them out. You're forcing them out as well. well. Stop breaking wind. I've not. You don't need to. I haven't. You're squirting him out. You're forcing him out as well.

Starting point is 00:09:27 It's not healthy to force out farts. I am not forcing out farts. You do. Every time you fart, you lean in a direction that opens up your cavity, which allows you to pass wind. And then you get a full Popeye face on where he's going argh! You squeeze it and then you go, argh! And I see your body tense up.

Starting point is 00:09:44 And then the fart doesn't even, when it comes out, doesn't even feel rewarding. It feels like, it just feels like the last gasp of a mayonnaise squeezy bottle coming out. The last gasp of a mayonnaise squeezy bottle. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Okay. The last droplet of mayo from a bottle followed by the raspy emptiness of the air behind it. That's what comes out. You could say you're fart shaming me and there was no need to bring this up. And like, it's a power game. Then stop farting.

Starting point is 00:10:06 I can't stop farting. You can stop farting. It's a simple matter. Why? Okay, so. I don't want to. How about that? She's never known for farting.

Starting point is 00:10:14 Huh? She wasn't known for farting. Who, the Queen? Yeah. She's dead, isn't she? She is dead as we speak. I bet she fucking is. I bet she is.

Starting point is 00:10:22 She's dead, isn't she? What do you mean? Like she died a while ago? When was the last time she fucking appeared in public? Well, she had the cenotaph, isn't she? What do you mean? Like she died a while ago? When was the last time she fucking appeared in public? She had the cenotaph, wasn't she? The remembrance stuff. Was she? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:31 I didn't see her. Although if you listen carefully, you can hear the... I am Queen Bot. So, Paul. Far shame me, do a fucking very disrespectful robot version of the Queen impression and what else have you got today? Eh?

Starting point is 00:10:51 What else are you going to pull out of your bag today? What do you do for a living? Oh, hello, ma'am. I'm a performer. Ah, ah, ah. How that, that, that, that very interesting. So, why am I here at the Cenotaph with you? It's time. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I just wanted you to go down on Robo Queen. I would. I fucking would. Fucking hell. This is the worst episode I've just decided. Oh, the salty metal slip of Robo Queen.

Starting point is 00:11:34 It's the fucking Price is Shy. Oh, it's the fucking Price is Shy. Oh, it's the fucking Price is Shy. Oh, it's the fucking Price is Shy. And that's fucking right. Yeah, baby. It's the Price is Shy Shite Ooh, it's the fucking Price of Shite And that's fucking right Yeah, baby It's the Price of Shite Back again, Price of Shite

Starting point is 00:11:48 And it is another PO box delivery Which we can both play this game Me against you Very exciting Who won? You won last time, I think I won last game, yes You got it on the nose, didn't you? You got one of them on the nose

Starting point is 00:11:59 Yeah, it was like a 4-1 You got nothing, didn't you? No, I got one No, you got nothing I think I did get one between I might have edited it so that you got I got one. No, you got nothing. I think I did get one between. I might have edited it so that you got nothing. Well, I did get one between. Yeah, I think you did get one.

Starting point is 00:12:09 I did. At least it wasn't a... Yeah, because you've had a tough time of late with Price of Shite, haven't you? Well... It's been tough for you. Can we play the gamble one where we gamble? We go by their rules. So what do you mean by the gamble?

Starting point is 00:12:19 What gamble do you want to add? There was that great one where you gamble and you can get double the twings if you get it on the nose for the one that you gamble on. Alright, so at the end of the game when we've put the prices on you then have to go

Starting point is 00:12:30 that third item and banking that is spot on. But if you get it wrong it's only one extra step you say I'm gambling on that. Yeah, but if you get it wrong

Starting point is 00:12:38 what's the forfeit? Do you lose points? You you I think you should lose a point if you gamble and lose. Yeah, you do. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 00:12:47 Unless it's within 25p either way. Well, let's see what the rules are, because I'm opening the letter now. If it's 25p either way, you just get no per twings. No per twings. But if you're outside of the 25p either way blanket, it's one per twings. Sorry. Cushion is not a blanket. It's a cushion.

Starting point is 00:13:01 It's more of a throw. Hammock. Yeah. If you're swinging in the hammock, 25p either way. Yes. The hammock swings either blanket. It's a cushion. It's more of a throw. Hammock. Yeah. If you're swinging in the hammock, 25p either way. Yes. The hammock swings either way. It's webby.

Starting point is 00:13:09 Webby. Stop just repeating what I say. I'm not repeating what you say, am I though? Yes. Yes. Then you should get none. One. One for being in the hammock.

Starting point is 00:13:18 25p swing either way. The final price. The top price though on the nose is a two per 20 situation. Yes, but if you gamble and you're 25p either way, you should get none. But if you're outside of that, you should get minus one. Right.

Starting point is 00:13:29 All right. Well, let's see how it goes because I don't know what the rules are. Now, I will say this. There's no name on this. So maybe they have it in the answers, which are sealed in a separate envelope. They are going over here. Out of reach. I can see them there.

Starting point is 00:13:42 Price of shite contents. Right. There are five items, this letter says. Have you got a pen and paper? You don't even have a pen and paper. Wait, I'll tell you why, because it says something in here. I've just read, so let me go. Read it from the top.

Starting point is 00:13:52 Price of shite contents, colon. Five items to guess the price of, exclamation mark. Personalised Paul and Eli price cards. Don't know what that means. POS answers in a sealed envelope. So, okay, we've got the sealed envelopes there. We've got the five items. HaveOS answers in a sealed envelope. So, okay, we've got the sealed envelopes there.

Starting point is 00:14:06 We've got the five items. Have you seen these? No. I mean, I've seen the items. Yeah, I've seen them. Because I'm about to because I've taken them out of the box.

Starting point is 00:14:12 Well, that's given you an advantage already, isn't it? Price of shite cards. Ooh. Let's have a look at this. All items purchased in, is it Rugley, Staffordshire or Rugeley, Staffordshire?

Starting point is 00:14:22 Spelled R-U-G-E-L-E-Y. Yeah. I don't know how that's pronounced. It will be very specific on Monday 9th of August 2021 from the following shops. Okay, a few months back. And there's no window. We don't know if there's a limit to what he spends.

Starting point is 00:14:36 There's no ceiling. We're in the dark. Ceiling. Stop. It's not window. It's a ceiling. I see it more as a window. How does a window work?

Starting point is 00:14:43 Well, you look through it, you dickhead. How do you know not a window works? Yeah, but you were talking about there's no limit. There's no limit. No, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no.

Starting point is 00:14:54 There's no window. There's no winnets. No, no. There are winnets, though, Paul. There are winnets. Oh, it's a price match game. Oh, you love these, don't you? So there's 10 cards.

Starting point is 00:15:07 With different unique prices on. There's 10 cards. With unique prices on. Yes, and there's five for you and five for me. And do they have our pictures on so we know who's who? Yeah. This is good. Right, so yeah, five cards each with prices on.

Starting point is 00:15:20 So Eli, I'll give yours and that will help explain what they are. So one card says free. Oh, I don't wonder what that is. One says 50p. One says 95p. 95p. £1. I've got a quid there. And finally, £1.99. That's the most expensive one. And I have

Starting point is 00:15:35 the same. Free, 50p, 95, £1.99. So, what is the free card? That is what piques my interest. One of the items, I guess, must have been free. Of course. So, we now have to guess. Now, alright, let's just do it in the order as they piques my interest. One of the items, I guess, must have been free. Of course. So we now have to guess. Now, all right, let's just do it in the order as they appear on this list. Have they mentioned scoring? Petwing's very important in this game.

Starting point is 00:15:51 So here's the thing. They haven't mentioned it. Here's the thing, though. Why have they done that? It's just literally, Dave, hello, here's the things, here's the five items. Well, what's the fucking Petwings, mate? How are you going to fucking score a fucking Petwing? Well.

Starting point is 00:16:01 Why don't they tell us that? Okay, so here's what we're going to do. We've got five cards, right? So that means we can do between each so it's five betwings on offer a maximum of five but you can lock one on you know like your deal as the gamble yeah because we know what the prices are don't we so you can say yeah i'm confident that 50p one spot on so therefore and then you'd get two betwings yeah if you were right yeah is that it yeah but if you get it wrong you get nothing all right all right yeah but are we gonna Yeah, but if you get it wrong, you get nothing. All right. All right? Yeah, but are we going to take turns guessing? Do you see what I mean?

Starting point is 00:16:28 Yeah, we'll take turns. I can just follow you and then I'm guaranteed a draw. Yeah, we'll take turns. I don't want to guarantee a draw. No, I know. We'll take turns. We've always taken turns

Starting point is 00:16:38 when we remember to. This is very complicated and I feel anxious about it. Five items. I want some betwings, Paul. Here's the thing. I mean, it's not important for you about it. Five items. I want some betwings, Paul. Here's the thing. I mean, it's not important for you. You always fucking win this.

Starting point is 00:16:48 You get betwings here. You get them there. And they mean nothing to me. You pick up betwings and they mean nothing to you. Oh, Vienna. But they mean something to me. Shut up. And they mean something to me.

Starting point is 00:16:58 Betwings mean nothing to me. Oh. He can't think of anything to say. Price of Shaitan. That is very poor. Now, so how about this? I bring out the five items. Bring out an item.

Starting point is 00:17:11 Five items. And then once all five have been revealed, then we'll do the price match. Okay, sure. And we'll take turns on each one. Love the way you're thinking about this. Yeah, I love your approach. And we'll do it item by item.

Starting point is 00:17:20 Okay. So we take turns on guessing the item at the end. Okay. Get an item out. Here is item number one. Bought take turns on getting the item at the end. Okay. Get an item out. Here is item number one. Bought from a place called Rummagers. Oh, they've got actually an order then. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:31 I'm just doing it by the order in the letter. So here's the first item, Eli. What is it? That PG monkey thing. It's that PG tips monkey advert monkey thing. What is he called again? He's called monkey. Oh, really?

Starting point is 00:17:42 Yeah, because that was the gimmick, wasn't it? Because the co-star, the live-action co-star of those adverts was Johnny Vegas. That's right. And it'd be like, oh, Monkey! Now, why am I thinking Flat Eric? Flat Eric was something totally different. Yeah, that was for, was it for Levi Jeans? Flat Eric?

Starting point is 00:17:57 I had a Flat Eric as well when I was a kid. Wasn't he a similar looking Flat Eric to Monkey? A bit similar. Well, they were both puppets, you know. Yeah. But Flat Eric was more kind of like a kind of demented muppet where that just looks like a stuffed monkey teddy bear like like sack boy from a little big planet it's got that design yeah uh it's got a big pg tips label on the bum yeah because it was advertising bags of tea tea bags and this monkey is wearing a Paul Gannon tips it's uh wearing a... Dressing gown.

Starting point is 00:18:26 Toweling dressing gown in white, and it's got a little M on the breast. Oh, it's like he's gone to a fancy restaurant or hotel or something. Not a restaurant. You wouldn't go there. You wouldn't do that. Unless you were really rich.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Filthy fucking pig dick rich. Yeah. Disgusting fucking horribly... I would like to... I'd like to go to a restaurant in a bathing gown. Just fucking walk in. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:45 Smell my balls. Excuse me, sir. This is the best restaurant in the land. Well, I think you'll find I'm fucking rich. Now, smell my ball sweat on your nose. Every time. Yes. Oh, sir.

Starting point is 00:19:00 You love it. Your balls, they smell like the unopened gutter of a Victorian orphanage. That's how I like to keep them. And that's the scene for today. Now, this has a quality to it, this toy. It's a nicely made thing, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? It doesn't look cheap.

Starting point is 00:19:16 No, absolutely. Good stitching. It's solid and it's quite a nice thing, really. It's a cuddly, lovely little thing. But it's just the labels really kind of ruin the effect, don't they? They always do, but you can snip that off. I guess it's because of the popularity of things like Beanie Babies. Labels

Starting point is 00:19:29 are kind of part of the deal when you buy them. Yes, and it's very prominent, the PG branding on that label. It has to remind you it's a piece of, you know, merchandising. But also, this monkey is sort of an update of their very problematic series of ads with the actual real live action chimps.

Starting point is 00:19:47 They were the best adverts in the world. Why do you like those? Because it's monkeys being punished to force to become humans in comedy scenes. They had a James Bond one, didn't they? No, the best one was the one about the piano where the two monkeys are trying to get it down the stairs. Oh, yeah. And one of them goes, oh, Mr. Shifter.

Starting point is 00:20:03 Oh, yeah. And he goes, oh, do you know this piano's on my foot? You sing a few bars, I'll find it. It's that one, isn't it? Do you know how they got them to do that? Yeah, they fucking beat them. Beat them with PG-10s.

Starting point is 00:20:13 And they put fucking peanut butter off in their gums. I could do that with you. They put loads of peanut butter up there and go, oh, no, makes it go, oh, oh, oh. All right, yeah. Like that.

Starting point is 00:20:21 He's doing a very funny face, everybody. Yeah. Now, so that's our first answer. I hadn't actually thought about that, how, yeah, they were going back to, let's use monkeys to sell our tea. They're still trying to use monkeys, but in an unproblematic animal cruelty way.

Starting point is 00:20:33 Although they might have beaten the actor who performed as the monkey. They might have rubbed peanut butter on his arsehole. Oh, that'd get itchy, wouldn't it? Nutty, nutty peanut butter right on the dingus. That'd be very itchy. Right on the dot. Especially if you had an allergy, that'd be terrible.

Starting point is 00:20:50 Right on John Cotton's stark star. Your helmet would get well inflamed if you had a peanut allergy and someone rubbed peanut butter on it. It'd get all very itchy. Right, next item then. This is called... Oh, it's... Oh, a cider glass and a little black notebook

Starting point is 00:21:08 from Acorn's Children Hospice Shop. Oh, it's two items, but we're going to count it as one. I guess so, unless it's the free item. I don't know. No, well, he bought it as one, hasn't he? One, two, three, four, five... Oh, I see. Hang on.

Starting point is 00:21:20 Oh, okay. So this is two items bought from one shop. That's why he's you know he's put them on the same sentence so let's just do these two is it so it's a little notebook nice enough little black pad black and red they're famous these are for doing accounts on aren't they yeah you always see them in like offices when you work there oh there's a little is there is there something written inside something written inside what's it say secondhand this yeah there's also a little image of a leaf on a piece of paper.

Starting point is 00:21:46 Weird. This was written 9th of the 11th. Is that 9-11? That is 9-11 2018. Yeah. And it says Linda spent the day in cabin 38. This morning she coloured Christmas decorations. For lunch Linda ate her packed lunch from home.

Starting point is 00:22:02 This afternoon Linda listened to music and did a jigsaw. Imogen Ross, Cherise. That means something to someone. I think they're children. Seems like children wrote that, doesn't it? Let's have a look. It looks like neat handwriting, doesn't it? It's very neat handwriting, but it could be, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:17 Weird. Why did we want to know what Linda did? You know what would spice that up a bit? Imogen Ross and Cherise. You know what would spice that up a bit, Paul? If Linda did some needlework. You know what I'm saying? Well, I saw Linda shooting up

Starting point is 00:22:28 round the bins outside the office. No, she did some cross-stitch. You know, with the... No, I don't know. If she's fapped. That'd be good if they did. No, it would not be fucking good. I'm just trying to liven this bit up.

Starting point is 00:22:37 By accusing children of being perverts. No, I'm just saying, if Linda fucking got a vag out and fapped it up... It's fine, yeah, good, thank you. I would be more interested in the story. Good, well, that says a lot more about you than anyone else. I'm just saying, if Linda fucking got a vag out and fapped it up... Good, thank you. I would be more interested in the story. Good, well, that says a lot more about you than anyone else. I'm just saying, sex it up.

Starting point is 00:22:50 Sex up the Linda story, Cherise. Or Ross. Right, here's the next one. Who else? I want to see Linda fucking a stride of rocking horse, fapping away. Is it your best material, Eli? Well, I never know. I never know, do I?

Starting point is 00:23:06 You look frightened when you say that. I'm going to keep this leaf thing. You can keep the leaf. I like that leaf thing, but you need to take a shot of that. I will take a shot of it. That's a little message. Perhaps there's more. Have a quick look now.

Starting point is 00:23:16 I'll just have a little flick. Which I wish Linda had done. You don't know Linda. I bet she's... She might have been a really kind of honest, pure human being. They go for it hard behind closed doors. Do they? Do they? They self...

Starting point is 00:23:28 You don't think there are people in the world who don't need their lives based around the need for sex? What's the LEAF? What does that stand for? I don't know. Perhaps Linda was in some kind of cult. The LEAF people cult. What, did you just spy... They were spying on Linda. Linda did this, Linda did that.

Starting point is 00:23:40 Leave the mark of the LEAF. Follow Linda. Make sure you make... She write down everything. Did she receive the mark of the leaf? Yes. And was she fapping it hard? Yes. Oh, Linda, Linda, going for it with a finger in a big sphincter.

Starting point is 00:24:00 It's Linda, Linda, Linda. Right. Are you happy with yourself? I am. I am. Because you shouldn't be. Next item this hey oh it's a little mini side i can see i like this already mate i quite like this it's quite nice lovely this this is our best item so far that's for sure it's a tiny little cider glass yeah it's a very strong cider well it's either just a snifter glass for you know i mean it must be maybe ornamental one third pint. Oh, I couldn't tell you.

Starting point is 00:24:25 No, it's not even that. It's like a quarter of a pint. I wonder if it's got a volume written on it. Maybe. I can't see it. Oh, look, a little smiley face with the tongue out on the bottom. Have you seen that detail? No.

Starting point is 00:24:34 But that's like... That's funny, isn't it? It's not like the old press gangy thing where, like, they used to put pennies in your cup and then the legend goes that when you finished the drink, you saw the penny and was like, oh, shit, now I've got to go sail across the sea for years. Yeah, that was press ganging, yeah. This is the similar thing. When you get to the end of the drink, you go penny was like oh shit now i've got to go sail across the sea for years yeah that was press ganging yeah this is the similar thing when you get to the end of the drink you're oh smiley face now there are some sort of um forms of cider and scrumpy that are

Starting point is 00:24:52 extremely strong up to like up to like spirit this says cornish cider farm but the rest of it's just got bumps on the bottom and i can't it's strange it must be for drinking very strong cider so you don't get too pissed too quick i I guess. Maybe. It could just be ornamental. It's a lovely thing. I like it a lot. Nice glass. Nice glass. It's got like a green hue. Yeah. I like that when the glass has a green hue. It's lovely. Hello, I am Green Hue.

Starting point is 00:25:16 At least it's not called Jimmy. What's his middle name? Uncle Green Jimmy. Right, come on. And it's got a nice knobbled bottom. It has a knobbly sort of effect along the bottom. Bottom, yeah. Which gives got a nice... Knobbled bottom. It has a knobbly sort of effect along the bottom. Bottom, yeah. Which gives it a nice bit of texture. Right, item three.

Starting point is 00:25:29 Item four is this. It's a Star Trek annual. Oh, this is right up your street. Authorised edition as seen on BBC TV. It looks like it's in quite good condition. What year is this from? It's going to be 70s. It's a BBC authorised one.

Starting point is 00:25:43 Yeah, because the BBC used to show Star Trek back in the day. Yeah. Oh, okay. So I would say this is probably from the 70s, early 70s. Yeah, is that an old... Is that a pre... Decimalisation cost. Pre-decimal cost there on there, yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:56 Four and six! It is. Well, 62 and a half NP, whatever that means. Whatever that means, yeah. It's got a nice splash page. There you are. I've got a few magazines with splash pages, if nice splash page there you are I've got a few magazines of splash pages

Starting point is 00:26:06 if you know what I mean I've got a few fucking magazines of rock solid full of cam my laptop's got a splash screen filthy old spank

Starting point is 00:26:13 right I love the design of this the artwork and the colour the inking it's really comic booky and it is oh it is a comic

Starting point is 00:26:20 it's a mix of articles about space comic strips and short stories the strips look like it could be sort of a Marvel thing that they've just brought in. It's possible. It's a lovely thing. It's like a classic annual.

Starting point is 00:26:30 It's got a nice mix of new adventures with the Star Trek crew. It doesn't have articles. It's all comic strips. No, there's a few articles in there. There's one or two. I'm going to look at the contents. What's the contents say? Spock's got some liquid in a beaker.

Starting point is 00:26:43 He's got one of those cider glasses. It looks like it, yeah. Without a handle. Spock's scrumpy. That would probably be good. Vulcan scrumpy. The booze of the many outweighs the booze of the few. Venus, planet of mystery.

Starting point is 00:26:55 I need to work on marketing. 53. I'm looking for one of these articles. Is it? Here we go. I definitely saw some written article sections. Here we go. What's it say?

Starting point is 00:27:03 There's one bit. There's enterprise examination. To become a crewman of the Starship Enterprise. Would you like to? Yeah. I would, actually. Would you? Yeah. I'd like to live on the Enterprise.

Starting point is 00:27:12 You'd like to be a crewman? Yeah. Yeah. Lower decks. That's me. Why would you be lower decks? Is that meant to be a class thing in lower decks, that they're sort of the grunts? Yeah, basically.

Starting point is 00:27:23 Okay. They always say the starships, especially from TNG onwards, acted more like, you know, big ships, like big, like Master and Commander kind of.

Starting point is 00:27:30 Right. Those kind of ships. So with very hierarchical structure. Yeah, captains, ensigns, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Isn't that strange, though, that there's a hierarchical structure but the whole world of Star Trek

Starting point is 00:27:39 is meant to be sort of where everyone's been free? It's the contradiction of Star Trek. Democracy. Yeah. The contradiction of Star Trek was that Gene Roddenberry created this, everyone's equal free it's the contradiction of Star Trek the contradiction of Star Trek was that Gene Roddenberry created

Starting point is 00:27:47 this everyone's equal everyone's got roles to play let's explore the galaxy but from Star Trek 2 onwards it was kind of remodeled because

Starting point is 00:27:53 of Nicholas Meyer to resemble more like being on a submarine very hierarchical very military they changed it to a more naval

Starting point is 00:28:00 system and then that kind of stuck okay to become a crewman of the Starship Enterprise you must have, as well as the necessary

Starting point is 00:28:07 scientific training... I've got that. No, you don't. Ask me any science question. No, I don't think you may. Ask me any science question. A good knowledge of space history. See if you would qualify by completing this simple quiz. You want to give this a go? Go for it. Okay. First question. Oh! Here we go. First question. Yes.

Starting point is 00:28:23 Do galaxies evolve? Yes. It is thought they have evolved. Good. Question two. go. First question. Yes. Do galaxies evolve? Yes. It is thought they have evolved. Good. Question two. Two, got it. Is there a limit to the universe? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 00:28:36 there's no limit to the universe. No, as far as is known, the universe has no ending. I've got this sorted. I'm going to be on the Enterprise. You're doing well. What is the Horsehead Nebula? The Horsehead Ne the enterprise doing well what is the horse head nebula the horse head nebula yes what is the horse head nebula it is a nebula that looks like a horse's head but when you need more uh a big horse's head it's actually a nebula is a cloud-like structure yeah yeah in the universe but i thought yeah but nebula are

Starting point is 00:29:03 they're known as the birthplace of stars because they've got all that dust. That's what I thought, yeah. But nebula are, they're known as the birthplace of stars because you've got all that dust and that's what kind of necessarily comes. So like a star nursery, in fact. Oh, okay. That's what a nebula is. That's what the answer will be. It's a cloud of gas in deep space. Oh, that's what basically I said.

Starting point is 00:29:15 That's the shape of a horse's head. That's what basically I said. All right, you can have that one, Paul. Thank you. I'll have a half point, though. You're not coming on the ship, though. I've got two and a half out of three so far. Not bad.

Starting point is 00:29:24 How thick? Yeah. How thick? How thick is Spock's cock? Are the rings of Saturn? Spock cock. How thick are the rings of Saturn? Is it asking for miles? Kilometers? What's it looking for? If you knew, you'd know. Then it is, I would say, it's got to be a few hundred miles thick,

Starting point is 00:29:40 right? It has to be. Are they talking like from the centre of the planet out to the outer ring? No, they're saying thick. Or are they thick in terms of the actual wedge of that ring? The wedge, up and down. Then I'm going to say one mile. Wrong, but much closer in the ballpark there, they're actually 10 miles thick.

Starting point is 00:29:54 10? Thick? They're 42,000 miles across. Wow, that's kind of big, isn't it? Yeah, but not very thick for something that much across. Yeah, I know. Right, are you enjoying this? Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 00:30:05 One more. How many questions? There's 10. Let's do one across. Yeah, I know. Are you enjoying this? Yeah, I know. One more. How many questions? There's 10. Let's do one more. How big is the sun? 20,000 miles round. In terms of how many times the diameter of the Earth, let's see. That's how they're giving it.

Starting point is 00:30:18 It's 25 times the diameter of the Earth. No, 109. Much, much bigger than you thought. Well, there you go. And it weighs 330,000 pounds. Times greater than the Earth.

Starting point is 00:30:30 Wow. And it's just a star just burning forever until one day it stops burning forever. Planet of Mystery. But that is it. The rest is all comic strips.

Starting point is 00:30:39 There's just, there's one double page of text with that quiz and a little, very short article, Venus, Planet of Mystery. Yeah. It is a planet of mystery, Venus. Why?

Starting point is 00:30:49 Because it's extremely cloudy atmosphere. So they don't have, until more recently, they sent a probe there. They didn't know what was on the surface? They didn't know what was on the surface. What was on the surface? Just a barren wasteland. It's fucking hot there. Really?

Starting point is 00:31:01 Yeah. It's extremely hot and inhospitable. There's huge acid rain, these cycles of acid rain and unbearable heat. If you were going to colonise Venus, you'd have cloud cities. Floating cloud cities, like Bespin in Star Wars. That's right, yeah. Yeah, I got a Star Wars reference out. All right, that's the fourth item.

Starting point is 00:31:20 Now for the final fifth item. That was Star Trekking Across the Universe. Right. Oh, here we go. Is this the last item now? Yeah. Oh, why are you snapping it open? It's wrapped in a wrapping, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:31:30 Oh, it's mint on card. Can I see it mint on card first? How am I going to guess the bloody price? It's called How Do I Date? Dating Skills Discussion Cards by Alison and Amy Roberts. Oh, no. Dating Skills Discussion Cards. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:31:43 Hang on. What's all this? Oh, it's just Domino's pizza Right The activity blah blah blah Rationale behind the game The game can be played By a number of people

Starting point is 00:31:50 In a group setting The first player Selects a card at random And reads aloud the question Or scenario He or she Gives their response And then asks the group

Starting point is 00:31:58 To add any of their ideas That's not a fucking game Play moves to the next participant Who chooses a card And proceeds before How do you score points There are no winners and losers. This is shit!

Starting point is 00:32:06 The aim is to just enjoy the... Oh, fuck off! ...and benefit from taking part. I haven't had a proper idea, but somehow this has gone into production. You cunt! Whoever that was. I'm going to shuffle the cards and see if we can get... Oh, what a load of shit.

Starting point is 00:32:18 Eli. Talk about crap with your friends. How do I date? I'll tell you how. Turn on a plate with an engagement ring in it. First date. Shit onto an engagement ring and give it to her.

Starting point is 00:32:30 Right, here we go. Here's a question for you. Turd in your ear. Shut up. I keep forgetting when I take my eye off the podcast, you'd fucking go off on a random

Starting point is 00:32:38 mouth jerk session. Turd in my ear. Yes, and all that I knew was a hole in my poo which was dribbling in daughter. Dd in my ear. Yes, and all that I knew was a hole in my poo, which was dribbling in daughter. Dribbling in daughter. Dribbling in my daughter. Which is more important?

Starting point is 00:32:52 You're worse than me. Eli, what is more important? Cock. No, I don't even have to ask. You don't have to ask me. Dick is. Eli. Hickory dickory, Doc.

Starting point is 00:33:01 We're going to find out now about your dating knowledge. Okay, all right. Which is more important, the number of people you've been out with or how well the relationships worked out? Can I just say, before I answer that, Paul? Here we fucking go. This is a load of shit, this idea. It's about kids talking about behaviour with them in relationships.

Starting point is 00:33:16 Is it for kids, though? I think so. I think it's an educational tool. Why is it for kids? Kids shouldn't be learning about dating. Of course they should. How old? How old? I don't know. Early teens, I'd imagine.

Starting point is 00:33:26 Well, that's not kids. Certainly enough to start understanding what dating is and what the needs of being with another human being are to treat them respectfully. So what's more important, Eli? The number of people you've been out with or how well those relationships worked out? How well those relationships worked out. Wrong. The answer is how many people you've been with.

Starting point is 00:33:43 No, that's not true. Hand it over now. How many girlfriends have you had? How to find a girlfriend? Women who've agreed to be seen in public with you and have sex with you. Well, several.

Starting point is 00:33:54 No. Why are we getting to this now, Paul? One, two, three, four, five. How many? I'm not divulging that. Tell me a number. How many relationships have you had? I'm not divulging that to you.

Starting point is 00:34:04 You tell me. I'll tell you. You're being weird. I'll a number. How many relationships have you had? I'm not divulging that to you. You tell me. I'll tell you. You're being weird. I'll tell you. How many you have? 50. I've had 50 birds. Coming across all macho.

Starting point is 00:34:13 You pick a card. That's how the game's played. I have. We've had a discussion there. You pick a card up for me then. It's my turn now. How do I date? No, but I have to give my response first.

Starting point is 00:34:21 All right. Because he didn't do it right, as according to what they've asked. Well, no. No, did you fucking read the rules? It's the person who reads the card responds and then it opens it up to the floor. All right, well then go on then.

Starting point is 00:34:31 And you are the floor, right? And I'm skating on you with my big meaty skates. Mate, in this podcast, you are the floor. Spelled F-L-A-W. Oh, am I though? Yes.

Starting point is 00:34:41 Am I though? Yes. Are you ready? Yes. But are you ready? Because you have to read the question to yourself and then throw it to the floor. I wish I could throw you to the floor and shit in your ear. Oh, sometimes I wish you would.

Starting point is 00:34:54 I want to shit on your nose. So odd that it separates in each nostril and then fills the back of your throat up. What do you mean? Oh. Then it comes out your mouth like a big brown tongue. That would not be good. It comes out your ears. Are you ready?

Starting point is 00:35:05 Yeah, like a dirty Play-Doh set. You stopped having a fantasy about shitting into my face. Yeah, I've come now. We're all good. Oh, he's come. Oh, brilliant. Come on. Are good manners, old-fashioned, question mark, brackets,

Starting point is 00:35:21 things like opening doors for people or offering to carry someone's heavy bag? Now, shall I respond to that? Yes. Whoever wrote this pile of shit did not deserve the fucking money they got, and I hate this. I hate this fucking thing. Why? I hate the font.

Starting point is 00:35:33 Why do you hate it? Because it's shit. It's badly written. It's not a proper game. It's just disgusting. It's a fucking shit. It's a fucking piece of shit, and I hate it. It's for kids to understand boundaries and relationship things

Starting point is 00:35:43 and how to treat respect. Well, it's not very good for that. Should I try another one? No, I haven't answered, have I? I haven't answered. Alright, our good manners old-fashioned. I don't even know what that fucking means. No, they're not old-fashioned good manners. It's just being respectful. And if you can help someone out with a simple opening the door

Starting point is 00:35:58 or carrying their heavy burdens, then yeah. It doesn't have to be anything more than just being a decent human being. Are you ready for another one? Yes. What does just good friends mean? It means they let you put your fingers in, but nothing else. Can we move on from this piece of shit? What's good friends for you?

Starting point is 00:36:14 Just good friends means nothing. It means nothing to me. This is a bunch of cliché shit. Here's a good question for you. It's not a good one. It is. This is a good one. I'm going to ask you this.

Starting point is 00:36:22 It's not a good one. Eli, why do you think some teenagers use alcohol before going to a party? What would be better to handle their shyness? Well, that kind of leads you. Notice that?

Starting point is 00:36:33 That's what I mean about this being terrible. It doesn't necessarily mean shyness. These cards are trying to direct people towards socially acceptable answers.

Starting point is 00:36:42 Do you see what I mean? Do you see why I sort of object? You know what we should do? We should go through these cards properly when we do our sex episode again, part two, and we'll go through this inch by inch. It's trying, like you say, it's leading.

Starting point is 00:36:51 It's trying to get people to go to the right answer. Why is it right not to have sex before marriage? No, I don't know. It's like that almost. Do you know what I mean? Why is it always bad to wank off but alone and thinking about dogs, which you must never do? Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:37:05 I don't know. Why must you clean your foreskin at least daily? Well, no, you should clean your balls and penis and stuff. I know, I'm not saying they're wrong. I'm just saying I don't like the manipulative way

Starting point is 00:37:13 it's trying to sort of push you towards it. Do you know what I mean? I think it's just more about you and your hang-ups than anything else. So to respond to that specific card, what would maybe be better to get over their shyness

Starting point is 00:37:22 from pre-loading? Yeah. Do some cocaine. That'll get your mouth going. That'll get you chatty, won't it? Yeah. And then drink. Great.

Starting point is 00:37:28 And then you can handle it better. You are great. You know what I mean? Yeah. Fucking do a wine enema. Right. Up a funnel up your arse. It's time for the scoring.

Starting point is 00:37:35 That'll get you going. It's time for the scoring. I'll get me going. It's gone on for far too long enough. I'm going to get raging up arse wine rage. Send me the book and give me the monkey now. We need to put it on the table so we can- What do you mean send you the book? Now, through the mail? Del Send me the book and give me the monkey now. We need to put it on the table. What do you mean send you the book?

Starting point is 00:37:47 Through the mail? Deliver me the book. Now. Hello? Hello? I've got a book here for Paul. Here you are. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:37:55 Right, I'll be off. Hey, that's how it should happen. Here's how Hermes does it. Hello? Oh! Fuck you! I threw the book. Yes, you certainly did. So, get the book again. You need it back? I'll deliver it Yes you certainly did So get the book again

Starting point is 00:38:06 You need it back I'll deliver it to you Hello UPS Thank you We're well unionised Yes Right and the monkey

Starting point is 00:38:14 There you go Right so here we go Scoring time Five items Five cards You go first I will go first We're going to do it

Starting point is 00:38:21 From the order that we've done it in So the monkey goes first We've got price for the monkey, please. I'm going to say the monkey was £1.99. That's what I'm saying the monkey is. £1.99. Eli, what do you say? And remember, Eli wants to play the gamble card.

Starting point is 00:38:35 So we'll see how that goes. Only if I'm sure of something. Yeah, no, fair enough. But what do you think the monkey's worth? We've got 50p, 95p, £1.99. £1 for the monkey? £1.99 or free. I'm going to go £1 think the monkey's worth? We've got 50p, 95p, £1, 199 or free. I'm going to go one quid for the monkey. All right, give me your one quid card. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:38:51 Stick him on the monkey. Right, next is the glass cider cup. Eli, you go first this time. What do you think it is? 50p, 95, £1 or free. You've got left or you've got everything but the £1 free. How much do you think that is? I've got an idea.

Starting point is 00:39:07 I'd say... What? £95. Yeah, you see what? I'm going to agree with you. I was going to go £95. Fucking see? This is what's going to fucking happen.

Starting point is 00:39:12 No, no, because I've been holding £95 the whole time. I don't care. Next is the book. I go first. £50 on that, I reckon, for that book. Why not? £50 for the book? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:23 I'm going to play my free card for the book. Oh, yeah. Too late now, you cunt. No, why is it too late? Fucking don't you, because I want some wing of, between of, beneath of. I guess none of these would be free, though.

Starting point is 00:39:34 I forgot about the free card. You know, I'm going to change it. I'm going to take 95p, I'm going to put free for the glass. Well, I want to do the book, but now you complain if I do the book. Fucking don't do the fucking book. Fuck you. I'm swapping it out. 50p for the cup, and free for the book. But now you complain if I do the book. Fucking don't do the fucking book. Fuck you.

Starting point is 00:39:45 I'm swapping it out. 50p for the cup and three for the book. Oh, what a cunt. Your go. You are such a cheating cunt. No, you, everyone heard it. You made the decision to put the fucking 50p on the book. And then you saw me play my three and you changed the whole.

Starting point is 00:40:00 I forgot about the three. No, no, I will not accept it. Actually, Paul. Shut up, you boring wanker. I will not accept it, actually, Paul. Shut up, you boring wanker. I will not accept it. We agreed the order of play. I'll go first for the next two items, then. No!

Starting point is 00:40:11 That's it! So then you can't complain that I copy it. Oh, God! This whole game has been thrown for me. So I'm going to say... No, there's no point fucking playing it. The Star Trek book is 95p. No!

Starting point is 00:40:21 And How Do I Date is £1. What have you got? Fuck you! Can I just say, fuck you! I deserve, if that book was free, you should not get a betweener. I'm going by whatever I put down. I'm not going to stop messing around. But I've locked in.

Starting point is 00:40:37 That was not allowed you to change your mind. We've always been allowed to change our mind in this show. We've always done it. And you always bring it up. What's the point of having an order of going first and second? You said in the past. If you can just go, oh, yeah, I'll just copy him. I'll just wait for him to get it right, and I'll copy him.

Starting point is 00:40:53 You have failed this podcast, and you failed me as a friend today, and as a rival. You're not even worth it, mate. Shut up. No. No, I will not. I will not be silenced on this. Everyone heard you cheat.

Starting point is 00:41:07 You are a cheat. I'm allowed to change my mind. You're not allowed. You've done it plenty of times. In fact, you've even said, when we've done similar games, I'm allowed to change my mind. Not on this version of the game. Fuck off, mate.

Starting point is 00:41:19 You're having a little bit of a moment because you're thinking, oh, Paul's done this. He's put application into his fucking genius gene. You are a twat. Come on, what are you going to say? I'm going to say £1.99 for the Star Trek annual. £1.99 for Star Trek. And 50p for how do I fucking date? Jesus, where? Right. Envelope, open. Give me it. I'll

Starting point is 00:41:35 open it, thank you. So you don't have another opportunity to fucking cheat. I'm not going to cheat because I'll let you look at the fucking letter. I am above reproach. Eli, so when you read these out, read them out in the order of the items. Okay, let me just see what we've got in here first. Monkey, glass, book, Star Trek, how do I date? That order.

Starting point is 00:41:53 Okay, let's see what we've got in here. God. Oh, it's all wrapped up within wrapped up. Answers. They've been carefully folded. It has been very carefully folded. Nice little set, this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:04 Be careful how you open it, because I'm seeing the answers as you do so. Has he folded it out bit by bit, so you can reveal it bit by bit? Yeah, but it's not in the same order. Oh, fuck it then. I'll just do it by the reveal. Monkey first. You said £1. I said £1.99. The monkey is? £3.

Starting point is 00:42:20 Fuck. Yeah. I didn't see that coming. Yeah, serves you fucking right, doesn't it? What yeah serves you fucking right it serves you right because you said what doesn't serve me right I made a good honest guess which you thought was right you twat

Starting point is 00:42:31 you know what I'm going to swap that out you absolutely can't change it now you cannot change it now stop trying to do a monkey or whatever

Starting point is 00:42:44 this whole price of shite has been a shit show. It's been a shit show. It's all been Eli's fault as well. It's not my fault. Next item is the glass cider cup. Little black book. Cider cup. One quid.

Starting point is 00:42:55 You said 95p. I said 50p. Do I get one per twing for that? We get no per twings. Remember, it's a per twing for being the right card. Either 25p either way. It doesn't matter, does it? It's the price you assign.

Starting point is 00:43:05 I think you should be nice and be a big man about this and be mature about this. The game is you attach your price to the item. If the item and the price match you get a petwing. In my heart

Starting point is 00:43:16 I know that I'm getting a petwing there. It's not you're not. I fucking wrap this up. All the listeners know I got a petwing there, mate. The next item was the book. We both said free. We were both wrong. What was the price of the little book? 50 The next item was the book. We both said three. We were both

Starting point is 00:43:25 wrong. What was the price of the little book? 50p for the book. That's what you said originally,

Starting point is 00:43:30 isn't it? Yeah. Oh, stinger. You twat. That's it. It doesn't pay. Fucking cheating

Starting point is 00:43:37 doesn't pay. Oh, well, at least we've learned a fucking lesson from this. I'm ahead with one between whatever you say

Starting point is 00:43:41 now. Star Trek book is what? 199. You've got that right. Fuck yes, that's two per twings. It's one per twing. I've got two because I was in with 25p.

Starting point is 00:43:50 No, you have one per twing. How many do you have, Paul? I have no per twings. And what's the last thing? The item is the how do I date game. 95p. We both got that wrong. So there you go.

Starting point is 00:44:01 Eli is today's winner. With one poxy per twing. Well. I won. I think that's the most important thing. Don't shrug at me. Don't shrug. One point isn't a win. What do you mean? It's better than zero. It's a colourful failure. That's one of my most hard earned per twings ever. No.

Starting point is 00:44:15 And it was. I was on the fucking nose. From top to bottom this fucked me off so fuck you. Fuck this segment. Oh. Don't throw that on the floor so hard i want that he's he's having a little angry don't break the stop throwing stuff don't i wasn't gonna throw the glass thing i'm not a monster right why do we end this segment then just press the button do i just press it now like well you fucking ruined it so you've ruined it it wasn't me

Starting point is 00:44:43 ruined you ruined it with your little tantrums. It wasn't petty. I think it was a very important point of pride. Woof, woof, woof. I'm a naughty Eli. I don't say woof, woof, woof. You say rof or something.

Starting point is 00:44:52 I don't know. It's all the same stuff. Just press the button. I'm going to press stop now. All right. You've ruined this. No, you've ruined this. Shut up.

Starting point is 00:45:01 It is Tuesday. We recorded the rest of this episode on Sunday. Last night, I found out we'd lost a big chunk of the episode. So now, we're redoing it again. So this is the segment of the show, the Gannons Golden Games reboot, Mr. Silverman. Reboot.

Starting point is 00:45:18 I don't have the same energy levels that I had on Sunday. But you know what? That's fine. People are going to notice. How about I just talk about, you know, Bam Bam. Wow. Thanks for that. This is what I mean.

Starting point is 00:45:30 Not only do I not have the energy levels. Here's the thing. I don't have the comedy levels, Paul. I've got nothing left. Never have. Never will. I'm like a squeached out tube of toothpaste. Yes.

Starting point is 00:45:39 All squeached out. You and him. On the street. And someone's put a fag in it. And someone's flubbed on it. So you can't see if it's flub or toothpaste ashy flobby toothpaste down the drain i'm gonna argue that us being in not the quite same temperament as sunday well said good thing well said not that's a good turn

Starting point is 00:45:57 of phrase because we were quite angry us being in not the same quite type of temperament i'll make you angry i can make you angry you won't like it I can make you angry. You won't like it when I make you angry. No, you won't like it when I get angry. You were very catty, not catty. It's because you were never listening to me. It's because you cheated in the last segment. Did you excise that bit where you cheated? No, I've kept it all in.

Starting point is 00:46:16 Yes, good. That's the bit, the bit that they just listened to. Where you cheated. Quite charged. Quite a charged segment. All right, but we're very good friends now. And we're all back. We'll snuggle down.

Starting point is 00:46:27 We all snuggle down. In the house of ham and eggs and smash. We're back in the house of ham and eggs and smash. Mash and eggs and sausage. The machinations of the mash and eggs and sausage. Machinations. Don't go down that road, Paul. So, because the segment was lost.

Starting point is 00:46:41 The machinations road. Because the segment was lost. Can you tell me the way to Machinations Road? There'll be references in the wrap-up segment of this show that will now no longer make sense so whatever. Well, we'll mention the stiff records one

Starting point is 00:46:56 will we? But putting the cart before the horse, let's get down to Gannon's Golden Games. Gannon's Golden Games It's Gannon's Golden Games Oh we right, yeah, we right, it's Gannon's Golden his golden games oh we're on it's you gotta go and this week we are playing the board game based loosely based on the bbc tv quiz show pop quiz and it's not called mike reed's pop quiz the board game is but the tv show is just called a pop quiz but he was the original presenter of pop quiz yes so we are playing a ball game based

Starting point is 00:47:24 on that TV show. Now, I'm just going to give you a little bit of background information on the show. Because we've talked about Mike Reid before, in that I think he's horrible. Yeah. I'm in agreement. I mean, look at him on the box. He looks like the worst kind of twat. Yeah, just a wet-faced, stuck-up...

Starting point is 00:47:42 He's just a... And he's just a... He might not be, to be fair. He's a name-dropping... No, he comes across like a name-dropping celebrity arse-licker. It's like I say, when I was writing my book, as I was writing my book, I was thinking about when I first saw Ghostbusters.

Starting point is 00:47:56 Well, is the book finished now, Paul? Is that what you're saying? Moving on. How's that going? It's going really slowly. Running that fair, Paul? Running the book, doing the notes to the background. Lots of character attraction.

Starting point is 00:48:06 Lots of drama. Anyway, when I was writing that book, I was trying to remember when I first saw a clip of Ghostbusters, and I thought it was going live, but it's not. It was Saturday Superstore, which had Sarah Green on, and hosted by Mike Reid. It was the show that came after. That was my era.

Starting point is 00:48:19 That's when I was first cognizant of that thing, I think. It was the show that came on, that took over when Swap Shop finished. Can we just agree, though? Can we agree? Sarah Green. Before we get there. Can we agree on that? Yes.

Starting point is 00:48:29 Can we agree on that? Very, very much so. I love Sarah Green with all my heart. You know that porn. And if you say anything nasty or rude about her. I'm not going to say anything nasty. What, apart from I would like to make love to her in a consensual and loving relationship. No, that's nasty.

Starting point is 00:48:43 After the sixth date, maybe. Do you know what I mean? I'll take her out. All right. I'll take her out. And then only the best china and knives and forks and that. Yeah. Sit down, Sarah Green.

Starting point is 00:48:54 Would you like a napkin? Something like that. Yeah. And I'll do that for a whole year before, you know. Before you even impress upon her. Consummate. Yeah, but you know what? In that year, I've been knobbing her.

Starting point is 00:49:04 Have you? You're behind your back. I thought you can't say nasty things about Sarah Green. She's mine. Anyway, that porn, the famous, in my life at least,

Starting point is 00:49:15 the famous porn mag at the back of someone else's garden under a damp plank that was like a communal porn mag. The communal porn mag. I had a photo shoot in it of this blonde woman in a shower. Yeah. That looked well like Sarah Green. And you were like oh i imagined her to be sarah green going live right now in my pants but anyway the point i was trying to make is when i was watching

Starting point is 00:49:38 when i was looking trying to see if that clip was on youtube anywhere because there are some old episodes of saturday superstore the saturday morning show that took over after swap shop finished yes i watched him host it and he looks so disinterested and that's what i mean it's below him he probably is a frustrated musician essentially so many of these sort of dj types of that era are well they want to be what's the word they want to be celebrities for something more than just sort of spinning records that's why so many of them like mike steve wright released all those pop songs. Yeah. And Noel Edmonds had a crack at it.

Starting point is 00:50:08 Of course, Edmonds. Jimmy fucking Savile had a crack at it. Yeah. They've all had a crack. Tony Blackburn famously was actually quite well known for doing singing. Yeah, but I think I'd just give Tony Blackburn a pass for some reason. I'd give him a pass as well. I think he's a nice chap.

Starting point is 00:50:19 He seems to be one of the few that, as far as we know, isn't a fucked up cunt in some way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But fucking the hairy cornflake. Dave Lee Travis. Do you remember we read that thing out that he'd read and he's like, I've got big ideas. I'm going to make, you know what I mean? One thing people say about me is how great I am at stuff.

Starting point is 00:50:35 It's literally stuff like that. And how crazy I am. Yeah, how funny. I could be, yeah. But it's like, I think we said at the time, it's like, I think he wanted the career that Noel Edmonds ended up having. I see.

Starting point is 00:50:45 And he never had that Edmonds magic. You know? Oh, that's a tough sentence. Isn't it? I couldn't even get that out of my mouth. But anyway, I was watching that, and I was like, yeah, he seems to only perk up when someone famous is on,

Starting point is 00:50:59 and he wants to chum up to them. Yes. You know, like, oh, five-star Ron. Oh, hello, five-star. He was just someone from my childhood who'd never made an impression. I never thought one thing or the other about him. He was just present.

Starting point is 00:51:10 He's like a C-level radio presenter of the time. Yeah. Because, I mean, I don't want to, like, you know, extol these people particularly, but, you know, he wasn't a Jimmy Savile. He wasn't a... No one wants to extol Savile. No, no, no, but...

Starting point is 00:51:22 He didn't have the fame of Savile. Or the weight. Because, you know, he did have the TV shows, no. He didn't have the fame of Savile. Or the weight. Because, you know, he did have the TV shows going on. He was known around the world. Yeah. You know, he did have a reputation. Cheating at marathons. Yeah, all that stuff.

Starting point is 00:51:33 You know, shagging dead kids. Things like that. You know, unfortunately, Mike Reid didn't have that magic. But he did become, you know, as we've said before uh a big staunch supporter of ukip and did a like so many of his generation um third tier that was a nice turn of phrase for him thank you yeah very much a third tier you know because your top tier is noel edmonds i mean of the time yes and then below that you've got your steve wright's and and maybe your uh john peels or something the kind of and then you get

Starting point is 00:52:05 the other ones that just fucking did anything on BBC One It's funny when Peel appears with these people because he's thought of as so different and so alternative

Starting point is 00:52:11 and so like a hero Yeah it's hard to really put him in that But he was the same generation essentially Yeah Kenny Everett would probably be a BET

Starting point is 00:52:18 if you're being honest you know just in terms of names on the radio that we knew growing up Who took over the pop quiz after Mike Reid finished? Well, here's what I didn't realise until I just read this wiki page now.

Starting point is 00:52:28 So it was a big hit because it got regular audiences of 10 million in the day. Yeah, it was a big thing. I remember watching it. I mean, for modern purposes, imagine a, never mind the Buzzcocks, but made with a more kind of question of sport feel. So they had more straight down the line, less comedy focused. Yeah. A lot less comedy.

Starting point is 00:52:46 There weren't comedians on it. No. It was just like a straight quiz. Yeah. Never mind the bus cocks if it was kind of a straight quiz. Yeah, basically. But, you know, the rounds were... It was a simple quiz.

Starting point is 00:52:55 Mike, you know, here's three covers. Name the song and the original artist. Here's a lyric. What's the song from? Name three songs, this, that, and the other, right? And I watched a few of these. And it's strange. You see Paul Young and Toya and the song from name three songs this that and the other right and i watched a few of these and it's strange you see paul young and toyah and on this and the guy from aswad on this and then on the other team it's like some artists have never heard of someone from scritty and fucking gary glitter and gary glitter's the worst fucking thing because he's twitchy nervous

Starting point is 00:53:19 moving around trying to grab attention being too wacky for Mike Reed. And he keeps leaning over to kiss the face of his female panelist. He's like, oh, you're so good. So what, it's a mixture of members of the public? No, there's no members of the public. Okay, so who's he kissing? Toya? It's clitor on Toya action. I don't remember the name of the artist.

Starting point is 00:53:38 She was in some band that was reasonably well-known in the early 80s. But he was being kind of a bit too affectionate. Meanwhile, the other guy who's from some band, I don't know who he was, but he was some guitarist from another band, he couldn't be less interested in being anywhere near Gary

Starting point is 00:53:49 Glitter. He's constantly facing towards the audience and moved away. Perhaps he knew something about Glitter's reputation.

Starting point is 00:53:55 No, come on, mate. Someone goes, all right, Eli, you're on Pop Quiz. Now, you're on Team B with Gary Glitter and you're sitting next to him.

Starting point is 00:54:00 You'd be like, oh, fuck, man. You'd be moving your chair over. He was an unpleasant individual. Even before all that stuff came out out he came across as a particularly unpleasant yes an uncomfortable person to be around he's like a perverted mike bat yeah so

Starting point is 00:54:13 it was got audiences of 10 million uh it started it was from 82 to 87 then it was brought back in 94 by the bbc with chris tarrant as the host. I don't remember that at all. Tarrant, yeah. I don't remember that one. This is where it gets sad. So in June 2008, a revamped pop quiz recorded without a studio audience and in a pub, and the participants were members of the public, aired on a thing called Red TV,

Starting point is 00:54:37 and it was hosted by Mike Reed again. Oh, yeah. He's gone down the ladder. I think Red TV was one of these like cable only. It was one of those flash in a pan when everyone could start buying their own licenses

Starting point is 00:54:50 for Sky channels or whatever. Live TV and Five. We've just bought Channel 467. Yeah, exactly. We're called Red TV. We're mostly going to show repeats of fucking Minder. Yes.

Starting point is 00:54:59 But we have got enough in the budget for a pop quiz. Yeah. But we have to film it in a pub with Mike Reed while he's in there. I mean, I kind of am a bit nostalgic for that kind of cheap TV that was appearing, you know? I understand what you mean.

Starting point is 00:55:10 In the era of streaming, it's all so glossy. It's all so Netflixed. Do you know what I mean? You don't see that kind of... No. That guerrilla-style TV making. I mean, it's... Well, it's moved to YouTube or whatever, but you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:55:20 Because it's funny, because that kind of programming moved around, kind of in terms of channels. Because you used to have like TV when it was first going into 24 hour you had ITV with the night time shows and Channel 4's night time shows

Starting point is 00:55:32 I love that stuff that's my era Exotica or whatever and Get Stuffed ITV used to just put on this weird thing called like wasn't it Night Watch

Starting point is 00:55:41 as well no it was called The Magic Walk and it was like this cooking show in five minute sections they didn't announce it was coming The Magic Walk. And it was like this cooking show in five-minute sections. They didn't announce it was coming on. No.

Starting point is 00:55:47 And it's just this guy, this sort of Chinese-American guy. And he was just doing, like, you know, Chinese dishes. And it was just like, oh, it's on. You know what I mean? But it was made. And we saw one where he literally drops this wok. And it goes, poof. And then it just cuts.

Starting point is 00:56:01 And it's just like, all right. And now the news at four. You know what I mean? It was literally like, we were like, what? Wow. You news at four you know what I mean it was literally like we were like what you know no one was there because it was raw it's so funny

Starting point is 00:56:08 no one was there what did they just like we'll put that on you know and that's filled that TV was there to exist to appeal to

Starting point is 00:56:15 the stoned and the very drunk it really appealed to me when I was stoned but which was every night but did you ever see the thing

Starting point is 00:56:22 where they had like this sort of 20 minute film of people um hang gliding basically 70s hang gliders with like this this sort of soft rock soundtrack just random shit just stick that on i lived for that i live for that moment it has gone to youtube though because it did move to those weird satellite channels and then it kind of migrated well things like this sort of yes i'm sure there's a lot. I mean, we did Will to Win. Wim to Will.

Starting point is 00:56:46 Wim to Win. Wim to Win. On Barshens. Do you see it? That's a bit like that, isn't it? A bit low-budget sort of game show format. You know, probably

Starting point is 00:56:53 better produced than that stuff in the 80s, early 90s. No, I'd be interested to see the Pop Quiz version. To see some footage of that. A meandering way to get to the board game. Sounds like the Spoff and Pickle,

Starting point is 00:57:03 doesn't it? Sounds like they did it in the Spoff and Pickle. doesn't it? Sounds like they did it in the Spoff and Pickle. Get stuffed! Hooray! That's the one. So, we are going to play the board game

Starting point is 00:57:12 based on the TV show. Now, here's the thing. So, it's not the BBC's pop quiz. This is the board game, Mike Reid's pop quiz. And I do wonder if when this came out,

Starting point is 00:57:21 the BBC tapped on Mike Reid's shoulder and went, you didn't ask us if you could do a pop quiz quiz. Well, it's a different thing because it's called Mike Reid's pop quiz and you would never let me have my name when I was doing it. And I wanted my name and you cunts wouldn't let me do that.

Starting point is 00:57:32 Right, we're getting Chris Tarrant in to do it then. Fuck off. Are you going to read the bit out? Yeah. I wanted to read this out again because it comes with a sheet with the rules on, fair enough. But what I like is that they've given him a paragraph to explain his inspiration he didn't want to write it it is the most partridge thing i think he could have written

Starting point is 00:57:49 because everything about it says boring middle-class radio dj yeah you know and it goes thusly hi there pop quizzes god i had the idea for this game a year ago while i was sitting in my kitchen and i'm picturing like the rain coming down and him crying. Yeah, what's he doing in his kitchen? He's just sitting there in the kitchen alone on a stool on his little, what do they call them, little kind of bars that they put into kitchens. Breakfast bar. A breakfast bar.

Starting point is 00:58:15 And he's just quietly sobbing into his tea. I wonder what his marital history is. We could look it up. I bet he's had more than one wife. Yeah. Anyway. Maybe at the same time so i immediately drew up a rough layout of the board using anything to hand as playing pieces i experimented with it wrapped it up in brown paper and sent it off to those nice people at

Starting point is 00:58:37 waddingtons and then nothing exclamation mark exclamation mark. Ha ha ha. Not for three months. Even I'd forgotten about it until one of their games developers cast his eagle eye on it, opened the box, played it, and then caught the train south. I was tracked down to my house in the wilds, and the game was born. Hope you like it. Have fun playing it. House in the wilds.

Starting point is 00:59:00 Fuck off. Also, even I'd forgotten about it. You forgot about it that evening after you'd done a liter of vladivar do you know what i mean i've got a theory right about why dj sounded like that certainly the generation right this is my theory about why they have this weird use of language this over descriptive kind of way of talking about in the wild you know what i mean like romanticizing the mundane and i think it's because as a radio presenter, you are asked at times to just fucking talk. Fill, it's all filler.

Starting point is 00:59:27 So you have this sort of way of making the most of language. Yeah, I've got 33 seconds before I have to hit the news jingle. So coming up, we have some languid tones with the thing. And if you can track me down to my little old cottage in the wild. So it's like constantly trying to put jokes in that aren't jokes. The news. But there's also, yeah, but there's it's like constantly trying to put jokes in that aren't jokes. The news. But there's also, yeah, but there's also the sort of trying to make it funny, but without the humour having any teeth or satire.

Starting point is 00:59:51 A kind of detached. Or bad language or, you know, anything like that. So it's like jokes like in the wild. Those jolly silly willies. It's not really funny. No. It's just sort of stupid. It's a weirdly affected thing.

Starting point is 01:00:01 Yes. So. Terrible bit of bunf there that he probably knocked off in fucking five minutes yeah so here we go here's the board game now originally you play in two tiers there are two levels to it the first one is not really interesting in terms of what we want to do and that is basically a collection ring around the outside where you roll a dice and you pick up members of your band so that's the conceit is that that you're in a band. And the minute you get six different cards that make up the band,

Starting point is 01:00:28 so you have like, you know, guitarist, lead singer, drummer, a PA, a manager. Once you've got all six of those cards, whatever it is, then you can move into the inner ring where your song is now on the pop charts and you have to answer questions to make your song go up the charts. The first one to the number one spot wins.

Starting point is 01:00:44 Wins. And you know what, Paul? What? I was moving into the inner ring the other night. You know what? And then she said... Yeah, this is the exact same shit joke you made when we recorded on Sunday. I like it.

Starting point is 01:00:55 It's not good. Come on, moving into the inner ring. Hello. So, Eli. Rim job. We're going to play this for 20 minutes. And whoever's furthest up the charts at the end of 20 minutes is the winner.

Starting point is 01:01:04 I understand that. Or unless one of us gets number one first. Do you want me to time it again? If you can set it to 20 minutes and whoever's furthest up the chart at the end of 20 minutes is the winner I understand that or unless one of us gets number one first do you want me to time it again if you can set it to 20 minutes sure that would be lovely now Paul

Starting point is 01:01:10 before that we do just for the sake of you know something to say let's have bands or band names well that's the thing

Starting point is 01:01:18 yeah you have to come up with a band name you do have to come up with a band name for a bit of fun so I'm going to come up with a band title I had a really good one

Starting point is 01:01:24 on Sunday I forgot what it was it wasn't good. It wasn't good. It was. It wasn't good. It was called Pahopati Chompers or something like that. It was not called Pahopati Chompers. That would be much better.

Starting point is 01:01:32 In that case, my band's called Pahopati Chompers. And the song? It's called Bewitched Love. I do remember that. It was a new romantic song. It's a different band doing the same verse, same song. It's like when Paul Hardcastle released 19 and then Rory Bremner brought out 19. Pahoffity Humpers.

Starting point is 01:01:47 Pahoffity Humpers. All right. Pahoffity Humpers. Pahoffity. Sounds like Pocahontas. I'm going to change it. All right. I don't want it to sound like I'm making fun.

Starting point is 01:01:53 So I'm going to call it... This is great stuff. Tabasco Jazz. You're looking at my T-shirt. I have the Tabasco on. You are like the fucking guy. I went Susual Suspects with it. Well, that's a nice thing.

Starting point is 01:02:05 Or you could say you went Steve Carroll in the fucking Anchorman. I love lamp. Yeah, maybe. I said jazz. Tabasco jazz. Tabasco jazz is quite a good title for the group. And look, the thing is, I looked at you. You're wearing Tabasco.

Starting point is 01:02:15 I turned my head away from you. I'm looking at a giant fucking bottle of Tabasco. So maybe there's a reason it came into my head. You've been so primed with Tabasco, isn't it? That whole side of the room right now looks like I'm in a cafe. He's getting stereo

Starting point is 01:02:28 fucking Tabasco images in his eyes. No wonder it's like... Right. What's your band called then? And song? My band? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:37 McGarville Falange. McGarville... I better write this down because you're not going to forget. I will remember. They're a real group. McGarville. McGarville.

Starting point is 01:02:52 McGarville. Yeah. Two L's and an an e yeah mcgarville what phalange f-a-l-a-n-g-e all right and what's the song called hump my straw hump my straw all right okay and what was my song called oh yeah bewitched love and we get to perform this if we win do we the winner will perform their song at the end i'm gonna lose all right so here we go so we're both at number 20 from 20 to 11 you're in the new releases part of the charts but then the top 10 oh that's what we're in for and we're just playing the inner ring yeah she said just yes she said blah blah blah blah yes so she said i've had a long night love just play the inner ring tonight. So, the inner ring. Come on, we've got to start this fucking game.

Starting point is 01:03:30 We've done about half an hour already, haven't we? This is longer than the segment we did last time. Well, I'm having more fun this time. You're less moody. So, right. See previous segment, everyone. So, here's the thing. Roll the dice to go around the board.

Starting point is 01:03:42 You can either land on a live gig, a make or break, an easy or a hard question. The live gig and the make or break basically tell you to... Chance. Yeah, they go up. It's like the community chest or chance. Yeah, you go up and down the board. Whereas if you get a question right with hard or easy, you go up one space if it's easy and two for hard.

Starting point is 01:03:59 You get twice the timer on the egg. We've got an egg timer here. Egg timer gives you the 30 or 60 seconds you need to answer the questions. Now, Paul, can I ask something? Yeah. This egg timer here egg timer gives you the 30 or 60 seconds you need to answer the questions now Paul can I ask something yeah this egg timer

Starting point is 01:04:08 yeah what's that all about it's basic oh it lives there it lives there like that so you can travel see what I mean it's alright

Starting point is 01:04:14 it's basic it could have been had some kind of design feature put it back on the board couldn't it it could have had a design feature

Starting point is 01:04:19 because I'm going to be the board lord the man in charge of the board your board lord yeah so I have to do your timing yeah and we can still do that but just leave it on the board there's your dice charge of the board your board lord yeah so i have to do your timing yeah and we can still do that but just leave it on the board there's your dice you don't

Starting point is 01:04:28 have to keep borrowing this one all right i'll roll it on this table right so roll it on the table here it's gonna be no not on the table roll it on the fucking thing so eli is pink so his little man's on the inner ring and his pink record is on the top 20 on the inner ring i've got a green ring yeah it's been out in the rain. Right, I went first last time. Do you want me to do that again or do you want to go first this time? Because we should start the clock.

Starting point is 01:04:50 Oh, I've got to start the clock. It's time to play Mike Reid's pop quiz. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Now that's... That's strike it lucky. Yeah. I think they should be on every game show.

Starting point is 01:05:02 They should actually, maybe. All right, it's time to play Mike Reid's pop quiz pop quiz pop quiz Have you pressed starter? Go. Eli goes first.

Starting point is 01:05:39 I roll a two. Move my pink fella. Hard or easy, you get a choice. I'll go hard let's hit this hard alright get ready on the eggy woofter

Starting point is 01:05:48 now roll your dice again to pick a question number from the card there's one to six three three okay ready I am ready

Starting point is 01:05:55 this is hard you get 60 seconds question three on the card please name five artists beginning with the letter T go Tina Turner

Starting point is 01:06:04 Tina Turner yeah one erm erm erm beginning with the letter T. Go. Tina Turner. Tina Turner, yeah, one. I know, it's always hard, isn't it? What do you think? I would almost give you two for Tina Turner, but I'm not going to. No, Tina Turner. It's a tough one, this.

Starting point is 01:06:19 Toya. Toya, yeah, Toya. Tina Turner, Toya. Tarzan Boy. Is that the name of the song? That's the name of the song. No, it's not.zan Boy. Is that the name of the song? That's the name of the song. No, it's not. It is.

Starting point is 01:06:27 It's the name of the song. Right, 30 seconds. You've got 30 seconds left. Travis. Travis, that's three. How many do I need? Three. You need two more.

Starting point is 01:06:37 It says five. Turner, Bachman, Overdrive. Yes, that's four. And Twiggy. There we go. Yay. Well played, Mr. Silverman.'s four. And Twiggy. There we go. Yay. Well played, Mr. Silverman. That means your record

Starting point is 01:06:48 goes two places. You're at number 18 now on the charts. Right. Twiggy did have songs, didn't she? I hope so. She did have songs.

Starting point is 01:06:57 We can check later. Stiff records all over again. Last time we played, name three songs released by... Stiff records. I got two and then I said Dave Edmonds and I don't know if that's correct.

Starting point is 01:07:06 I still don't know if it's correct now. It probably wasn't. Who knows? You made it up. But at least in the next segment you realised Eli at heart is honest. Right, my turn to roll. Here we go. One.

Starting point is 01:07:18 Live gig. Oh, it's a chance card. Oh, it's a chance card. The group overindulges at a celebrity party after a good gig. They are ill and miss several gigs. Move two places down the chart. You can't go off. You're already on the bottom of the charts.

Starting point is 01:07:32 You can't go any lower, mate. To be fair, at least that's good because I can't lose any steps. So you'll go. It's a good time to hit something like that. I guess it's a good time to hit that, but it does put me in a loss. I have rolled a four. Move me four along. One, two, three, four.

Starting point is 01:07:44 Easy question. Easy question. So 30 seconds. Roll the dice again to choose a lost. I have rolled a four. Move me four along. Three, four. Easy question. Easy question. So 30 seconds. Roll the dice again to choose a card. There are six questions on the back of this card. Five.

Starting point is 01:07:51 He's rolled the dice for a five. Okay, here we go. Easy. You've got 30 seconds now. Sometimes these aren't as easy, we've discovered as well. Sing two lines from any Elvis Presley song.

Starting point is 01:08:02 Go. Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me? From any Elvis Presley song. Go. Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? One song. Go on. Now another. Come on.

Starting point is 01:08:17 And you do the voice. Well, I just can't help believing when your horse is in the stable. And you take the sabine comb out of its hair. I'm going to give you that. Thank you. I don't know what was going on there, frankly. But you go up to 0.17 on the chart. Oh, I'm feeling it. My go.

Starting point is 01:08:40 One. Hard or easy. I'm going to have to go hard, Mr. Silverman. Well, I know. I've heard that about you. Here's the card. I need you to have to go hard, Mr. Silverman. Well, I know. I've heard that about you. Here's the card. I need you to roll for the card question number, please. Three.

Starting point is 01:08:51 Three. Are you ready? 60 seconds to answer this. So I'll read it and then you turn it over, yeah? Yeah. Name four songs with flowers in the title. Go. Edelweiss. That's a song. It's about Edelweiss that's a song

Starting point is 01:09:08 it's about Edelweiss that's not good it is it is uh Flowers in the Rain does that count um

Starting point is 01:09:13 just big in for flowers in the rain that is a tune the move I believe okay so how many songs do I have to get uh another two

Starting point is 01:09:20 four songs uh Roses Sweet Roses I need an artist and tulips from amsterdam we need artists don't we turn it over you've got kiss from a rose i said oh yeah i've got 60 seconds so a kiss from a rose by seal so that's four yeah yay i panicked then 30 seconds right okay so I go I'll give you that that was dodgy as fuck

Starting point is 01:09:46 no but thank you thank you for being lenient so listen before we move forward Paul yeah when it says name four songs

Starting point is 01:09:53 in the title do we need to name the artist as well we did last time because it helped back up the fact we didn't know the artist of any of those

Starting point is 01:09:59 well Edelweiss was by Heidi that was released as a song was it yeah oh look at his eyes looking down i let you get off with the stiff i'll get off i'll get off with a stiff most mornings mate let you get off

Starting point is 01:10:13 of the stiff right okay you'll go roll the dice all right for movement around the board one one make or break it's a chance card here we Hit me. Your record gets lots of radio play. It certainly does. Move three places up the charts. So 16, 15, 14, you're at now. What's my tune called again? Oh, yeah. Hump a Straw.

Starting point is 01:10:35 Hump My Straw. Hump My Straw. That's what you said, Hump My Straw. I know. Right. Good. My go. You need to roll the dice

Starting point is 01:10:42 to see how far your green man will go. Six. Nice. One, two, three see how far your green man will go. Six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Hard. It's another hard one. So, top card. Okay. Now, roll for the number, please.

Starting point is 01:10:55 And get ready. Six. Get ready with the egg timer. Yeah, 60 seconds. And so, when I finish reading this question, please start the time. Good. Name five artists beginning with the letter R. Right.

Starting point is 01:11:08 I'm going to count them for you. You just have to come up with them. Why does my brain go blank? It's weird. Rod Stewart. There's one. Randy Thingyman. What's his name?

Starting point is 01:11:21 Randy Edelman. Who's the guy who did all the songs of Toy Story? Yeah. Randy Newman. That's two name? Randy Edelman. Who's the guy who did all the songs with Toy Story? Yeah. Randy Newman. That's two. Two. Roger Whittaker. All right.

Starting point is 01:11:31 Yeah, it's an R. He's a singing artist. All right. He's a singing artist. Okay, yeah, he was. Two more acts. Two more with R's. Turn it over.

Starting point is 01:11:42 Two more beginning with R. God, Robert Palmer. One more. with R. God, Robert Palmer. One more. Come on, come on. Rita Wilson. Rita... Oh, fuck off. I think we're alone now.

Starting point is 01:12:00 That's Tiffany. Yeah, that's Tiffany. That didn't help me at all. Thanks for that. You're not going to get it, mate. That's Tiffany. Yeah, it's Tiffany. That didn't help me at all. Thanks for that. You're not going to get it, mate. Rhonda. No, no. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:12:12 I can't give it to you, Paul. Rita Wilson's a singer. I'm going to fucking check this. Rita Wilson is not a singer. You're going to search Rita Wilson. It's going to give you a picture of some... Rita... Lady, you know.

Starting point is 01:12:23 Wilson's actress. Oh, I was thinking of Tom Hanks' wife. I agree it is hard, but I can't give you, you didn't do it. You didn't get there. You could have had Robert Plant,

Starting point is 01:12:34 the singer from Led Zeppelin. I didn't want to do another Robert. Doesn't matter. Your go, your go. Okay. Go on.

Starting point is 01:12:43 Two. Two. Live gig. Come on up there. Let's hit this. I'm on a heater. Yeah. your go okay go on two two live gig come on up there let's hit this I'm on a heater yeah audience boos you

Starting point is 01:12:50 oh move one place down the chart how dare they oh why would they boo you they don't they don't like good music my go

Starting point is 01:12:58 five one two three four five live gig promoter offers you a tour

Starting point is 01:13:05 Supporting a major group Oh, move two places Who is the group do you think? Bananarama maybe? Yeah Sorry, I moved yours back by accident I'm in the right place now Am I in the lead still?

Starting point is 01:13:16 Yeah, you're still one in the lead One in the lead Right, it's my go Your go, roll your dice 6 6 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 What does that say?

Starting point is 01:13:26 Appear on national radio Move three up charts Oh Hey, that's lucky, isn't it? Blam You're at 11 You're just outside the top 10 I didn't pick a card up

Starting point is 01:13:35 Those are good ones to land on We didn't land on that once the other day 5 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Easy Pass it over And now I roll Roll for your question number please here we go

Starting point is 01:13:47 six and can you just be ready on that you remember you only get one eggy woofter cycle any woogie woofter to change over so 30 seconds and i think you will get this okay but i need to Hum Two Two TV Themes The Extenders Okay And Police Squad Yeah there we go Two Well done

Starting point is 01:14:21 Thank you I'll go one That was easy Thirteen That was easy. 13. That was easy. Good. That's why it says easy on the card.

Starting point is 01:14:29 Your go. Okay. I'm rolling. Three. Three. One, two. It's an easy question for me. I need to get this in. This could push you into the top ten.

Starting point is 01:14:39 Right. Give me the eggy woofter. I can move it over. Oh, let me move it over. Right. Roll the dice for the let me move it over. Right. Roll the dice for the question. Five. Five.

Starting point is 01:14:49 Right. I'll get one cycle. This is easy. And you have 30 seconds to name three artists that have the word new in their name. Go. New edition. One.

Starting point is 01:15:01 Brand new heavies. Two. Got a bit of time still. Think about it. So brand new heavies, new edition. Who did Candy Girl, I seem to believe. And one more. But will he get it in time?

Starting point is 01:15:19 He's inches away from the top ten, but he's only got maybe less than ten seconds. Oh, no, it's Hugh and Cry. No, it's Huw and Cry. And you're out of time. You could have said New Order. Ah, that's the fucking obvious one, isn't it? Yeah. Fuck!

Starting point is 01:15:32 I'm surprised you didn't get that. When you said New Edition, I was like, is that one? Oh, yeah, it is. Sorry, no movement on the charts for you. My go. It's New Order, man. I've got a New Order-shaped hole in my head.

Starting point is 01:15:45 Five, six, on the road. Easy. So another easy card for me. Pass me the eggy woof chuff. It's what we call the egg timer. That's, yeah. Right, I've got 30 seconds then. It's a silverman family tradition from Scrabble.

Starting point is 01:15:59 Right. You don't use Scrabble in... You do use an egg timer in Scrabble. Do you? Yeah, because you... Is it optional? Because I've never played with one. Yeah, but it's like someone's taking forever.

Starting point is 01:16:08 It helps me. Fair enough. And we don't even use it anymore. We just say this. We say, the Egg of Wulfdur is upon you. Right. Which means hurry up. I'm glad we've inherited that.

Starting point is 01:16:17 So 30 seconds. Question six. Okay. I need to read it, don't I? Name four... Four. ...woodwind instruments. Clarinet, oboe, recorder.

Starting point is 01:16:36 Saxophone? I think a saxophone is a woodwind. Because it has a reed in it, right? I'll give you that. I think it is, yeah. Well, you'll give me it. That's very kind of you. We can look that up along with the other one afterwards.

Starting point is 01:16:44 What was the other thing? We're both at number 11 on the charts. Oh, it's heating up. It's heating up, well, you'll give me it. That's very kind of you. We can look that up along with the other one afterwards. What was the other thing? Vote for number 11 on the charts. Oh, it's heating up. It's heating up. Right, you all go roll your dice. Okay. Governor. Two, one.

Starting point is 01:16:52 Sorry. One. One. Live gig. Let's see what the live gig says. Your reputation grows. National press feature your group in a central page spread. Move three places off the chart.

Starting point is 01:17:03 Three fucking places. Ten, nine, eight. You're at up the chart. Three fucking places. Ten, nine, eight. You're at chart number eight. You know what, Paul? When I heard you say that my reputation grows there, it wasn't the only thing that grew. Sorry, let me just take some time out to hold my sides. Ho, ho, ho.

Starting point is 01:17:16 Knob growage. Right, my go. Roll the dice. Three. Firming up. One, two, three. Appear on top TV pop show. Move up three spaces

Starting point is 01:17:25 Why is everyone getting that one? We're both for eight in the charts Fuck me Although you can't have two songs At the same position in the charts Can you? Yeah you can Can you?

Starting point is 01:17:33 No Has that ever happened? Two songs at the same position On the charts No I don't think It does happen I don't know You could

Starting point is 01:17:39 I mean conceivably You could have sold Exactly the same amount of records Or a double A side count No No Alright roll the dice It's a question worth investigating Good question Yeah two I mean, conceivably, you could have sold exactly the same amount of records, couldn't you? Or a double A side count? No. No, all right. Roll the dice.

Starting point is 01:17:48 It's a question worth investigating. Good question. Yeah, two. Two I rolled. Two. You're pink. One, two. Make or break? A double A is just stupid because the AA is just a B.

Starting point is 01:17:57 The world's shining on you. The record company buys primetime TV advertising for your brand new single. That's right. Move four places up the chart. Oh, am I number one? Seven, six, brand new single. That's right. Move four places up the chart. Oh, am I number one? Seven, six, five,

Starting point is 01:18:08 four. He's in four. He's in the top five. Oh, I'm going to win before the time fucking goes out like this.

Starting point is 01:18:13 Right, my go. Roll the dice. Three, one, two, three. Easy. Okay, I need you to roll for the number, please.

Starting point is 01:18:20 Yeah. Five. Okay, and are you ready with the woofter? Yeah. That sounds weird when you say, are you ready with the woofter yeah uh that sounds weird when you say are you ready with the woofter it's just weird come on name two songs yeah oh two hit songs it says right with the color black in the title uh back in black and black betty oh black betty bam balam is it called black Betty? I think it is.

Starting point is 01:18:45 Yeah. Or Black Sabbath. No, that's... Was that a song released? It was a song, but it wasn't a hit. Oh, okay. It was a group. Even so.

Starting point is 01:18:52 What's the... Come on. For an extra point. Not an extra, but just... Yeah, give me an extra chart point, but go on, quick, while the time is still going. I'll pause it. Can you think of another one?

Starting point is 01:19:00 There's a more recent one. Black Velvet by Alana Miles. Oh, that was a good one. Yes, that's a very good one. No, you're not having two. You just said I could. You said I could have an extra one. Black Velvet by Alana Miles. Oh, that was a good one. That's a very good one. No, you're not having two. You just said I could. You said I could have an extra one. Oh, right.

Starting point is 01:19:09 So I've done four in 30 seconds. But can you think of the one I'm thinking of? Is it the one by... Amy Winehouse. I know. Isn't that called Back in Black? Back in Black. And there's back...

Starting point is 01:19:19 But you didn't say Back in Black. You said Black is Black, didn't you? Black is Back. No, Black is... What's the ACDC one? Back in Black. That's Back in Black. So she wrote a song called Back in Black. You said Black is Black, didn't you? Black is Back. No, Black is... What's the ACDC one? Back in Black. That's Back in Black. So she wrote a song called Back in Black, too.

Starting point is 01:19:28 No, she got one... Back in Black. Her album's called Back in Black. It's not called Back in Black. I want to stop saying Back in Black. Moving on. Quick, we are running out of time. You're okay.

Starting point is 01:19:37 Roll the dice. Back to Black. All right. Roll the dice. I don't care. But Black is Black is Belle Epoque. It's that disco, that Euro disco one. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:19:45 Black is black. I want my baby back. Paint it black, you could have had by the Rolling Stones as well. Lots of songs with black in. Roll your dice. I'm enjoying this. Roll the dice. You're at number four.

Starting point is 01:19:53 I'm at number six in the charts. And I want to... Two. Two. Make or break. This is it. Several major acts release singles which overtake yours. Move one place, space down the chart.

Starting point is 01:20:04 Fuck off! He's at five. I'm at six. Mike's aiming to roll the dice and do tricks. Four. Four. One, two, three, four. Hard.

Starting point is 01:20:14 I am. Give me it hard. All right, I need you to roll the number for the five. Five this time. Are you ready with the double woofters? 60 seconds with the eggy woofer. Name. Name.

Starting point is 01:20:26 This is just fucking bullshit. Name three monkeys hits. Daydream Believer. The Stepping Stone. And Daydream Believer, Stepping Stone, and The Last Train to Charleston. That's not the name of that song. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:20:53 I'm a believer. You said that. No, I said Daydream Believer. Yeah, all right. You got it. All right, good. Hey. Two up.

Starting point is 01:21:01 I'm at number four. Eli's at number five. Roll the dice. How much time we got left on the clock? Four minutes. Oh, it could be anyone's game. We could even get to number one this time. Five for me.

Starting point is 01:21:12 Five. One, two, three, four, five. Make or break. Oh, come on. I just need... Your new single's released in a white sleeve instead of a picture sleeve. Move one space down the chart. Jesus.

Starting point is 01:21:24 Your marketing's letting you down here, mate. It really is. Your single's doing really well. I need to sack my manager, mate. Right, my go. sleeve instead of a picture sleeve move one space down the chart Jesus your market ins letting you down here really is singles do my manager me right my go five one two three four five here on national radio move three spaces up I'm at number two nearly at number one dad I'm gonna be on the telly go on your go three one two three make or break you've had a rough time with these ones Dad, I'm going to be on the telly. Go on, you'll go. Three. One, two, three. Make or break. You've had a rough time with these ones. I've had a rough ride recently.

Starting point is 01:21:49 That's how we go. Oh, mate. You're involved in a publicity stunt that hits all the national presses. Move three places up the charts. Sugar blow. So, one, two, three. You're at three.

Starting point is 01:22:01 And you're at two. I'm at two. This is it. Three minutes left on the timer clock, Paul. My turn to three. And you're at two. I'm at two. This is it. Three minutes left on the timer clock, Paul. My turn to roll. Here we go. Three. One, two, three.

Starting point is 01:22:11 Easy. You're going to go for easy, yeah? This could be it for me. Easy or hard, but you only need to move one up, don't you? Yeah. So you might as well go easy. Well, yeah, I'm going to go easy. You are going easy.

Starting point is 01:22:20 This could be the one. You are going easy, yeah? All right, you need to roll for the question number. Five. Five. And get the woof to ready, please. It's ready. This could be it. I could be at number one. You are going easy. Yeah. All right, you need to roll for the question number five. Five. And get the woof to ready, please. It's ready. This could be it.

Starting point is 01:22:27 I could be at number one. Sing any two lines. Oh, God. Do I have to go through this? Yeah. You've only got 30 seconds, remember. Go on. Any two lines from one and Elton John song.

Starting point is 01:22:41 And you can tell everybody this is your song. That's one line. And many love a simple book. That's one line song That's one line That's one line That's one line That's one, two lines What was the second line? Hold me closer, tiny dancer That's again one line See the headlight on the highway

Starting point is 01:22:57 Alright, that's two lines So there we go Fuck off And with that, I hit the number one chart Paul Gannon is top of the pop. And here with his song. Tabasco Jazz with the song. It's Tabasco Jazz.

Starting point is 01:23:10 I'll introduce the witch love. Shall I do it in the style of sort of a shitty top of the pops DJ? Yeah, please. That wasn't that great, everybody. That was like Slimer and the Spunk Offs. Someone's called me up on the phone. Don't do. Just introduce it normally. Please. What Someone's called me up on the phone. You know what? Don't, Stu. Just introduce it normally, actually.

Starting point is 01:23:27 Please. What are they called? Hand me the paper. I'm having fun. You have to curtail my fucking fun every time I start having fucking fun here. Yeah, but your idea of fun is just having a complete mental breakdown

Starting point is 01:23:37 and I don't understand the appeal. All right, everybody. I love that song. Love the skirt on her. Now, what have we got next? I don't fucking care. It's Tabasco Jack. Jazz.

Starting point is 01:23:51 Tabasco Jazz. Jazz. You've put me off, I'm not going to do it. No, come on, I'm doing it. Go on. And now, on top of the pops everybody, it's Tabasco Jazz. Okay, it's the new number one, sorry. Yeah, God.

Starting point is 01:24:07 And now, it's time for the new number one this week. It's Tabasco Jazz with Bewitched Love. Bow, bow, wow. Bow, bow, me, ma. Bow, bow, wow. Bow, bow, me, ma. You got my love in your cauldron pot. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Starting point is 01:24:24 I want to know if you love me or pot. Ho, ho, ho, ho. I want to know if you love me or not. Ho, ho, ho, ho. You get your potions out and make me a spell. Ho, ho, ho, ho. I love you, baby, but you'll drag me to hell. With your bewitched love. No more time. We've got to go to the news.

Starting point is 01:24:42 I've got bewitched love. Bewitched love. Bewitched love. I've got bewitched love witched love bewitching love I've got bewitched love witch

Starting point is 01:24:49 love bewitching love I like your witch's hat your witch's cloak and your witch's glove oh yeah okay thank you very much

Starting point is 01:24:58 thank you I'll be on tour with Eli's band I'm going to take you on tour you'll be opening for me oh sorry 20 minutes is up that's it

Starting point is 01:25:07 that's handy that's good isn't it so you can be on tour with your band can I go on tour with you yeah I want to hear one of your songs from your band though

Starting point is 01:25:14 before I let you on we can hear the song that didn't get to number one alright let's what was it called Hump My Straw you've got the paper Hump My Straw by

Starting point is 01:25:21 McGarville Falange yeah what a great name. No wonder you didn't get to number one. Hello. Are you going to let me perform it? Yeah, please. When you're ready, just perform your audition piece

Starting point is 01:25:31 to see if you can get on to our tour. Hello, I'm Ian Berry of McGarville Falange and here is our song, Hump My Straw. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. Hump my straw with your very thin dick can you put it in and it goes six pick hump my straw with your very thin dick tonight my lover girl hump your straw and then look at mine so you filled my straw with your dirty living slime and you come around here Here we go. You come round here.

Starting point is 01:26:07 There you go. That's when I know you've given up. When you put the sentence and you come round here in something. I'm sorry, mate. Well, there we go. That was Mike Green's pop quiz. What would you give that out of five dice? I like it.

Starting point is 01:26:25 It's fun. I like that kind of just the quiz element yeah it's fine yeah yeah i would give it like a solid four because you've got to remember when someone's playing the outside room while you're on the inside there's a bit of a time thing going yeah but you can imagine the outside thing being just a doll it's the part of the game it's just roll the dice pick up a card the fun bit is trying to think of for example three acts to begin with a letter or something like that you know i think it's just roll the dice pick up a card the fun bit is trying to think of for example three acts to begin with a letter or something like that so I think it's a nice solid three and a half

Starting point is 01:26:47 out of five dice it's not a bad ball game at all really well congratulations Mike Reed your legacy isn't completely tarnished by your shit professional

Starting point is 01:26:56 attitude and lacklustre view of European politics and terrible so fuck you name dropping and stuff yeah and just being not Noel

Starting point is 01:27:04 yeah you don't have the magic of Noel Edmonds so get the fuck off yeah and terrible name dropping and stuff. And just being not Noel. Yeah. You don't have the magic of Noel Edmonds, so get the fuck off, Ben. Now, are we going to return to us briefly from last Sunday? We're going back in time now to the wrap-up. Back in time to last Sunday when we were in a much worse mood. Yes. So let's go back in time with the time machine.

Starting point is 01:27:21 Mouth noise machine. It's the wanky mouth noise machine. Chicken machine. Mouth noise machine. It's the wanky mouth noise machine. Chicken machine. And that's Cheap Show. Thank you for joining us once again for another piece of economy comedy fun. You can get in touch with us

Starting point is 01:27:39 at various ways or on Twitter at the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is... Eli Snoid and that's spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. You can find Cheap Show on Instagram, Facebook

Starting point is 01:27:49 or the usual kind of places but we have a website, thecheapshow.co.uk. That's where you can find links to all the merch sites, the Patreon page, the PO box information, all the episodes with videos and pictures that accompany each episode. It's all there, thecheapshow.co.uk and if you want to help support us financially

Starting point is 01:28:05 and you're able to do so, why not go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and give what you can, but only if you can, and you'll get access to behind the scenes stuff, video episodes, podcasts, events, amazing magazine, all kinds of lovely curios. And we've been going for a few years now. So if you join us now,

Starting point is 01:28:23 there's literally hours and hours and hours of new stuff for you to enjoy. There is loads of stuff there. So support us if you can, but only if you can. We'd really appreciate it. And that is Cheap Show for this week. I am fucking knackered.

Starting point is 01:28:34 I know. You shouldn't have done the dance. Whose benefit was that for? Mate, let's just be honest. There's a lot of charged emotion in this room tonight. Some of it negative, some of it positive. And I just want to end this episode

Starting point is 01:28:45 on a good note. Okay. Shake my hand. Must I? Just because it's nice. Why? To show that we trust each other. Good episode, mate.

Starting point is 01:28:52 Okay, good episode. I want to end on, I don't want people to think, you know, we hate each other. That's true. Or there's any real, you know,

Starting point is 01:28:57 this is kind of half therapy, half like emotional birthing. There's no real animosity, although Paul did seem quite angry back then. Oh no, I was definitely fucking angry about that because I was getting tired of you, I was definitely fucking angry about that,

Starting point is 01:29:05 because I was getting tired of you, and I was in a spanking mood, and you would have had a very red botty. I would have had a botty, well... A cheeky pink bot-a-bot, botty-bot. Hack-bot. What about, let's go back to the Queen having a robo-fadge. Yeah? And then I go, and it's like, robo-fadge malfunction!

Starting point is 01:29:24 And then it's like, eh, oh, eh, oh! That is what the Queen would probably sound like if she was a robot. Eh, oh, eh, oh! Paul, I have to come clean. I made up one of those

Starting point is 01:29:34 stiff records. Yeah, I knew you fucking did. Bye, everyone. Bye. you

CheapShow - Ep 257: Plop Quiz

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.