CheapShow - Ep 259: Mystery On The Clock

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Special Guests: Sooz Kempner & Chris Stokes It's time for CheapShow's first ever proper "crossover" episode with another podcast. On this illustrious occasion, Paul & Eli are joined by the hosts of mystery/booze hybrid show "Mystery on the Rocks" with comedians Sooz Kempner and Chris Stokes. How good are Chris and Sooz at solving a crime themselves? Well, they're going to find out as the Cheap Chaps have a crime waiting to be solved and a load of cheap and nasty cocktails to guzzle down too! To make matters worse, they have just ONE HOUR to crack the case, which may be easier said than done when they foursome barrel down avenue after avenue of tangents, arguments and asides! How do weird dreams inspire us? What's it like caressing a whale's penis? What's all this about Chris' schoolfriend AND what nearly got Eli expelled from school? We think Chris and Sooz may not actually want to find out! But you might! Listen now! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-259-mystery-on-the-clock And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Listen to @soozkempner & @_chris_stokes on their @mysteryontherox podcast! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I thought that was the beginning. You never know with us when the beginning of the podcast... Is it the beginning yet, Paul? Is it the beginning right now? It might be. Well, I want to fucking know. Well, I know. Do you do like a pre-credit sequence? Yeah, we're doing what we call a cold open.

In fact, I think this is it. Okay. So now you're in it. Who's this? No, you guys do a cold open on your podcast. We used to. It doesn't work. It doesn't fucking work.

I get to decide it because I'm the one that edits it. So I've decided to not do it anymore. Wow. It was a pain to find out where to start. Yeah, we have that problem. Have you got that painful? That's why our cold opens tend to be four to six minutes long. Cold and sore open.

Yeah. It's a cold and sore opening. I'd be tempted, you know, to do that. You said it was a painful opening. Do you remember when movies used to have opening credits? Yeah. They all used to be at the front. Good fellas.

Whenever you watch an old black and white thing, it's like five minutes of... You see who did the sort of upholstery and stuff. I remember going to see The Departed and it's about like 20 minutes in. The title card comes up, The Departed. And you're like, oh shit, yeah, it hasn't really properly got going yet. I think the longest one on record is James Bond, It's about like 20 minutes in. The title card comes up, The Departed. The Departed. Oh, shit, yeah.

It hasn't really properly got going yet. I think the longest one on record is James Bond, The World Is Not Enough, because I think it's something like 15 minutes of the credit sequence. I think the new one does it, yeah. Well, I won't be watching that because there's a 007 girl in it. And I find that deeply offensive to my bored, bored life.

My wheelie did a burp. Right, and that's the moment we end the cold open. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show

Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for I nuzzle. guest this week. Do you mean let me get on with it? Because I can see you're going to do that thing where you just go... You mean I'd be professional?

And then you'd mess up. No, I'm... Look, what do you want? Why are you lying casually like that? Like you're not interested? I'm doing body language for the guests. Have you asked if they want body language from you? To be honest, it's a bit better than no body language.

Well, today... Well, I'll just get to the point, because obviously you're not playing ball. You're not up on the band Ball with what? You haven't told me anything about what we're fucking doing or anything Well let me do that right now

Do you know what? I'm sort of like enjoying this I've met Paul once never met you before Eli I did say that Oh you've met Eli have you? Yeah yeah yeah Right before the recording

you were like Paul come on we've got to get going we've got to finish at six and then now he's talking too quick for you I don't know is this a goof? What do you want from me i've given you

everything yeah sometime oh do you have any time no i think that was black lace yeah it was either black grape or black lace it's one or the other i get confused no grape will actually if you listen back to that i'd say they held up who, from hearing that just then is fucking ace. Yeah, but that wasn't Black Grape. That was just some... Black Grape were good. I think that was like Shed 7. I'll be honest with you guys,

it's only taken until that time that you said it to realise you're actually saying Black Grape. What, do you think they're saying Black Grape? Yeah, I was like, what the fuck is that? No, no, no. Black Grape. Oh, dear. All right, so let's just get to the front of this podcast.

All the point I wanted to make, Paul, was I'd say, I'll go out on a limb and say Black Grape were better than the Happy Mondays. Fine. Okay, that's all I wanted to say. No way, mate. You're twisting my melon. Stop the presses.

Eli thinks Black Grape's better than the Happy Mondays. This is a link back to last week's episode. What? Little addendum, little footnote for last week's episode. You know the singing quarter meets Donovan? Yes. That was on the Silverman's platters. They might not have listened to it,

so don't look at them like they know what's going on. Well, I'm just trying to debate the boy language towards the guest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We failed to mention there were two Happy Monday references on that, weren't there? You're twisting my melon, man. He says, twisting my melon, and Bez turns up on the B side. Does he?

Yeah, he goes, oh, Bez is here, or something melon, and Bez turns up on the B side. Does he? Yeah, he goes, oh, Bez is here, or something. Yeah, but that could be anyone shaking maracas. I'm not saying Bez was actually on it, but it's another reference

to the Happy Mondays, isn't it? I'll give you that, then. And that was like 1990, pure... Was that when the song came out, 1990? Yes.

So it's right in the middle of the baggy... Baggy. The baggy movement. Yeah, the baggy movement. We all remember that. What interested me was that

you know they're sort of they're doing a pastiche of sort of 60s stuff but then when you get to Britpop the sort of 60s becomes fashionable again

and they're sort of they're out of time a bit out of time that's all I wanted to say next week on granddaddy live remembers just introduce the bloody guest

I'm fucking doing it this week on Cheap Show we are very very proud to welcome in the Mystery on the Rocks podcast to play a little game with us tonight. So please say hello once again to Suze and for the first time, Chris.

Hello. Hello. Thanks for having us. Sorry that it's just us two and not our third podcast member. The cool one. Yeah, the cool guy couldn't get here. He's so cool, he got COVID.

So is he the John Lennon? Has he actually proceeded? I was saying, Chris, I fell asleep watching that Beatles documentary that's on Disney+. Wasn't that bad. I was three in the morning.

I went, I don't know what I'll put on, a nine-hour Beatles documentary. And I fell asleep and it played all night and I dreamt I was hanging out with the Beatles. That's good, isn't it? It's pretty cool.

It's not a bad idea. I had the same problem, but I was watching The Goodies. I thought I was with Timbrook Taylor. That's not even a lie. That is true. At least it wasn't Oddy, because I've heard stuff about... Bill Oddy.

What's rude about a body? Apparently his feet are... A mess. Grease. Well, at least he's got smelly feet and he's not a nonce. There's cheese grease. The balancers. Cheese grease.

Ladies are safe. And he's grumpy. I had a dream a nonce. There's cheese grease. The balancers. Cheese grease. Ladies are safe. And he's grumpy. I had a dream once that I was with the Marx Brothers, right? And we were doing like a gentleman prefer blondes act. I know this dream. I do have some good dreams. New content for us. No, it's good.

And Chico Marx goes, I identify as Italian. And then Harpo went honk with his honk horn. I went, I identify as Italian. And then Harpo went honk with his honkhorn. I went, I identify as Marilyn. And then Groucho picked up a small cube of wood and went, and life is short. Brilliant. That's like Dali or something. It was really weird.

It was on point for a dream, wasn't it? I like that. Not bad. She'll tell me that story again, and I'll half remember that as a genuine Marx Brothers routine. How's the feel of a Marx Brothers routine. Yeah. Suze, can I ask, did it have that kind of dream logic where, you know, I mean, obviously

on the face of it, when we hear this now, him holding up a block of wood and saying... Yeah, and life is short. And life is short is utterly absurd and meaningless. Yeah, nonsense. In the dream, did you think, yes, of course. Yeah, I woke up and wrote it down because I was like, how funny. And then you rub your eyes and go... I'll pass this off as my own.

Yeah. What a great bit that I wrote. Just like how McCartney wrote yesterday, isn't it? Ham and eggs, he called it, didn't he? Did he? Scrambled eggs. Scrambled eggs and something about I love your lovely legs. They were the original lyrics.

And Coldplay came up with the title Yellow because he saw a copy of the Yellow Pages, was it? Yeah. I always think of Coldplay... Piss in the Yellow because he saw a copy of the Yellow Pages, was it? Yeah. I always think of Coldplay. Piss in the snow. Piss in the snow? For Coldplay. And it was all yellow.

It was all yellow. If you pissed in the snow, it would be all yellow. Look at that snow. It seems to be coming in piss. It's all glistening. Who's done this? I bet it was Marty Pello. They hate Marty Pello. Do they? bet it was Marty Pello. They hate Marty Pello.

Do they? Do they hate Marty Pello? It's one of the big rivalries in popular music. It's Marty Pello versus Goldberg. I'm so gullible. I thought that was true. Right, so here's what we're doing today. I think, I've said up front, this might go horribly wrong

because we're not really doing Cheap Show per se. You already did. Yeah, and I'm just putting a point on that. Have you said that up front or are you now saying it up front? I'm saying it now. You're saying it now up front. I'm saying it now that this idea might not work. It's a weird past tense thing you were saying.

Right. You mean you said off air to us that it might not work, yeah? Yeah, now I'm saying it to the audience. Okay, up front. And I'm repeating that, what I said to you to them. I'm sorry. And bringing them into the show. You're going to be a contentious wank statement.

No, I'm here to help. He's trying to help make the podcast happen. Do you know how long the show's been going? Six years. And you know how many times he's actually helped? No time. Oh, come on. I'm really glad that Peter Jackson is here filming this

for the eventual documentary 50 years from now. Yeah, this is how Derek and Clyde gets the horn. I like to get AI skinned. I like to get AI skinned. You know, my whole face all AI'd up nicely. AI Eli. Eli, A-I-O-I-A.

Listen, it'll become clear my role in today's episode, Paul, once you explain what we're doing. Right,

and what we are doing is we are taking their concept, because their podcast is they drink and roughly talk about a mystery for about an hour

and 90 minutes. Well, Chris does. I go, and that reminds me of a dream. This reminds me of a song I'm about to sing. Oh, Pop Art, oh, Pop Art,

he didn't know a lot. Oh, Pop Art, oh, Pop Art, he's got some secrets, not a lot. Something like that. You're a fan of the podcast. I listened to the one I was on. This sounds like I'm taking the piss, but there was one where somebody was ambushed with a stash of

gelignite, and then Suze goes, is that the one that goes up or down in caves? God, what am I doing? I did. That was my input. Genuine snippet. I'm not against that. That's a bit from a podcast. Also, I did a song in perfect

Russian last week. Yes, we heard. Did you have anyone to back that claim up? Google Translate did. It was to the... I put the backing music of Tetris underneath. That's very Russian. And did the Russian theme tune to the Shoe People.

Right, now that will work. I can't remember how it goes. I can't. Chris said it's been stuck in his head. I had it in my head for a week. Ooh, but what is it? Just put it on Bandcamp. Oh, morbid Lord V.

Why don't you do that? Take all the songs out of your episodes and put it up on Bandcamp as an album. Well, I could do that. Our listeners are asking us to do that. Oh, God. Forget that. They're asking us to do it.

Yeah. Do you guys do songs? Well, they're more like improvised little bits. Oh, well, you do your urine vision. Yeah. We put those up on Bandcamp and then the money that we raise. I when you do your urine vision. Yeah. We put those up on Bandcamp and then the money that we raise... I think they sell well.

Surprisingly. Really? We put them up on for free. We just want people to download them. Okay, they do sell well. But people can donate if they want and then for that money that we raise, we gave that to this year's winner.

So they got the pot from last year. Your winners are always good. It's a nice mix of the upsetting and the brave in terms of musical genre. But I need to get this out. Right, come on. Come on, Suze's got to go and we haven't got that much time. So here's the plan. Come on in terms of musical genre. But I need to get this out. Right, come on. Come on. Suze's got to go

and we haven't got that much time. So here's the plan. Come on, then. Fuck you. Fuck you with all the sticks. You'll see it again. Sticks. Yeah.

Tetanus. Good band. I feel like this is going to be nothing but tangents today. So we'll see how this goes because as I say, this might go wrong. What I've decided to do is

take their podcast and put it in our show right but with a cheap show spin yes so I went to a charity shop a few months ago now and I got this

it's called Detective Stories Fire in Alderstone a unique deduction game and it's effectively a murder mystery game that you have to solve and there's no board there's no dice

all you get is the evidence and then you have to kind of come up with your own theory about who killed what and how, right? Now, who killed what? Who killed what and who and how? They're people that get killed.

Someone got killed. How did it happen? It wasn't like an animal. I'm making that distinction. It might be. We don't know yet. Yeah, we'll find out. Oh, it might be.

Okay, I'm sorry. Right. Can I say what my role is now? You are the games master. Yes. And I am the conduit. Yes. You can help.

I'm helping the guests to solve this. So they're going to try and look at this evidence and solve the mystery today within about an hour. It might not happen, but we'll see what happens. What's the playing time on the box? It says three to four weeks. One to five players. No, it says between an hour and 120 minutes, depending on your... Two hours? Did it say one to five players, 30. No, it says between an hour and 120 minutes

depending on your... Two hours? Did it say one to five players? Yes. That's a tragic story. If we don't get to the end, you can play. But if we don't get there

by about... Will we be able to reveal the killer? I will reveal the outcome, right? I'm doing my puzzle. But because they also drink on their podcast

because it's called Mystery on the Rocks and the Adderall, we've got cocktails. This is great. But this is Cheap Show. So we've got horrible cocktails bought from B&M.

B&M! I'm just going to go grab a few now and we can crack open. I'll take over the pub while you do that. Thank you. I'm not even... I'm sincerely excited. Are you going to drink?

Because you'll have to perform later. Do you know what? I'll sample. Okay, you have it. Yeah, thank you. You don't need to have it all. I'll huff. That's what you guys do, isn't it?

You huff. We do huff a lot on this show. When I came on last time, Chris, Paul made Eli sniff an owl pellet until he vomited. I actually did that of my own accord. Where was the owl pellet? It was full of ureic acid.

You bought an owl pellet, hadn't you? You bought an owl pellet. Oh, no, hadn't Mr Biffo given it to you? Mr Biffo. If anything's dead or digested or anything. Or stuffed. Yeah,'t Mr Biffo given it to you if anything's dead or digested or stuffed yeah it's Biffo

he's such a nice man but he's gross yeah he's a nice man does he eat them like breakfast cereal or something why has he got owl pellets oh he buys disgusting things

you can get owl pellets what do you buy them oh yeah no they're an educational thing you put it in some water and like little mouse skull bobs to the top. You can pretend it's the end of Poltergeist.

You know what I mean? That would be good for a little model Poltergeist diorama. And then you get owl pellets and a little shroom pool. Polt Owl Geist. It feels a little bit like a bag of Rebels though, doesn't it? Because you might not get one

with a mouse skull. What if it's just shit? It's just shit. like a bag of Revels, though, doesn't it? Because you might not get one with a mouse skull. What if it's just shit? It's just shit. Right, so here are your drinks. Right, you can pick whichever one you want. Oh, thank you. Today, these are all bought in B&M for about 89p each. Not even a quid.

Did they say the calories on them? Yes, 99 calories, because that's what I'm thinking about when I'm buying booze. One penny per calorie. We've got Lambrini, a lightly sparkling fruit wine, Rhubarb. Rhubarb Lambrini? Lambrini is actually branded as well, so that's a proper Lambrini brand. We have gin and diet tonic. That's all right, it's just gin and tonic.

It's just gin and tonic. How bad can it be, you know? Rhubarb gin and ginger ale. Oh, God. That's actually quite nice. We have passion fruit martini. Yes, boy. We have passion fruit martini. Yes, boy. We have vodka, lime and lemonade.

These are all drinks my mum has right now. Honestly, diet tonic is a killer. It's terrible. Is it? Yeah. I never have it. It's one of the worst sort of aspartame sort of artificial. Oh, yeah.

It ruins the gin. Just take the bloody, take the sugar in the tonic. Just take it. It's not going to be good for you anyway. Just imbibe the quinine. Yes. That sounds like something a cult does. Imbibe the quinine.

Pink gin and tonic. Elo's, Elo's. And finally, we have cherry Lambrini. Oh, that's horrible. Right. Eli, we'll let our guests pick first. So, Zuz, which one would you like to start?

Can I have the passion Fruit Martini, please? Passion Fruit Martini. Because Porn Star Martini, that's what that is. And the guy who made it, apparently you can't call it a Porn Star Martini without stealing his trademark. I think the whole trend of risque cocktail names is such bullshit. Yeah, and it literally was. Along with Screw on the Beach or whatever.

You know, it's just the worst kind of on the beach or whatever you know it's just the worst kind of screaming orgasm and it's just chocolate milkshake yeah a spoffy foma that sounds like a

medical condition sorry doctor I've got spoffy foma I made a drink on the only episode of our podcast that the studio wouldn't release there is one locked

away in the vault yeah no one's ever going to hear it and I can't remember what was in it but I called it a fucking yeah you called it a fuck off oh fuck it, but I called it a fucking yeah. You called it a fuck off.

Oh, fuck off. Didn't I call one a fucking yeah? Yeah, but it wasn't that one. Chris, what would you like from the selection here? I fancy the rhubarb gin. I think that's a fine choice. There you go. Thank you very much.

Oh, that's the worst one. Eli? I have my eye on the rhubarb Lamborghini. It's yours. Oh, my God. I can't believe it. I might go with the cherry lambrini then, because I like living on the edge.

What, did you want that next? No, I actually did not want that ever. I don't want it even in the room. That's the problem. Now I want you to have it. What's the ABV on this? Oh, it's only 4%. The volcahol is 4% on all of these, which is the same as those ones we tasted,

which are all the... These are all the ones from our episode 250. Remember all the sugar-free ones we tasted? This one, it smells like Ribena, but undiluted. Have you tasted any of these? There's lots of these Alcopops, but they're sugar, completely sugar-free, so they've got no sweetener either.

Jeez. Like a La Croix. Have you ever had a La Croix? No. This smells like sick. La Croix is this huge brand in America of, basically it's flavoured fizzy water, but with no sweetener.

It just has the flavour. Right. Oh, yeah. And they do alcoholic ones now. But you don't know you're getting drunk because it tastes like fizzy water. I see, I see. This smells of sick.

Can I smell it? Oh, that's deeply problematic. That's a very... Give it here, give it here. It's so artificial, that flavour. Mmm. Chris loves it. Lovely sip. These Lamborghinis are...

Oh, it's Al Pellet. You can sense the redness. Al Pellet Lamborghini. Low quality. That one smells worse. That one smells like that with an armpit. Oh, fuck, man. That's terrible.

That's like when... Which is that? That's like when someone wears a T-shirt every night of a run and just wears it for the hour, sweats in it, takes it off. Yeah, it's the t-shirt it smells like, not the armpit. It's disgusting. It's got a real BO smell. Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?

Mine just smells like Robina. Paul? Oh, I drank mine. No, I'm not asking you. How was it? No, I'm asking you. I'm saying smell the sweaty t-shirt. That's horrendous, that one.

It smells like my PE t-shirt. Yeah, it's got an acrid... That is it. The fiddler. It tastes like himshirt. That's horrendous, that one. It smells like my PE t-shirt. Yeah, it's got an acrid... That is it. The fiddler. It tastes like him too.

It's a changing room in a school, in a secondary school, and all the boys are like, what? I forgot to wear the apron. Yeah, because what's worse than the smell of BO in boys is the overwhelming sense of Lynx Africa

that was in before. Did you hear about that teenage boy who killed himself? Oh, God. By using a halt? No, he didn't kill himself on purpose it'd still be

dark if he killed himself but it was an accident have I told you about when I saw

Adam Good for the first time in a few years oh what at that pub and he had stolen the

haircut oh there was that no but this was like he said someone Chris was at school and we talk

about little else my favorite photograph ever taken is a selfie he took But this was late. He said... Someone Chris was at school with and we talk about Little Wells. It's my dreams. I haven't seen it. My favourite photograph ever taken is a selfie he took in front of a full-length mirror. That's just him, very expressionless,

in a T-shirt and jeans in front of a mirror like that. And he's looking at his phone, not the mirror. And the caption is, this is me in Sheffield. You know what? Sometimes you can... It's factual. Yeah, but sometimes you in Sheffield. You know what? Sometimes you can...

It's factual. Yeah. Sometimes you can think too big. Seeing the sights. I didn't see him for a few years. And then he went, ah, Chris, Chris. Because I'm from the black country. He went, Chris, Chris, do you remember Leanne Dowling from school?

And I went, yeah. And he went, dead? And I went, I was sort of like reeling from it because I hadn't said it in five years. He didn't even say hello. And then he went, do you remember Andrew Hume? And I went, yeah. And he went, dead.

And I went, what? And he went, oh, they both killed themselves. He went, one on purpose, one by accident. It's up to you to decide which, based on your knowledge. There was an accidental death where a teenage boy in a confined space used like a whole can of links or something. Oh, this, Adam Good. There was an accidental death where a teenage boy in a confined space used a whole can of Lynx or something. Oh, this is a lie. And suffocated.

This didn't happen. It's not a lie. It is. It's true. It's a lie. We're going to have to ask the Mythbusters for this. I'm going to look this up. I was meant to be helping you two to solve the case,

but now I'll be looking up and fact-checking this. Right. It sounds like bollocks. But what if that's the solution to this mystery, you know? It was. We open it and we find a tin of Lynx Africa and we're like, oh, shit. It was there all along. We should have known.

That rhubarb lambreini is... Is it horrendous? It's not horrendous. It's not horrendous. It's perfectly drinkable, this rhubarb gin and ginger ale. This is just like fizzy Ribena. Yeah. Even though it looks like pus.

And this is mostly cherryade. Oh, it's a punishment to me. Well, I tell you what, then. Let's take a quick break, and then we'll start the detective mystery. Brilliant. Oh, we're having a break now, are we? Well, not really, but I'm just going to break it up so it's easy for me to edit, so I don't look at a 57-minute fucking chunk of audio and go,

well, that's my Wednesday over with. Because you don't know what it's like to edit a podcast do you six years peeling back the bloody curtain on the podcast no one wants to know i saw you two do your one of your one and only live streams and it was just you not understanding how to do the tech and you going for your having a meltdown it's like never do twitch watch the whole thing and she was going, I like these two. Yeah, because... You were two fighting

on a live stream and Elo sounded like he was recording it from the other end of a corridor. Oh, it was all, yeah,

it was all in a different place. the broom cupboard where we had like a kind of TV. I was in a separate place, yeah. I like doing those to be honest.

Those were fun. It was like doing the broom cupboard on BBC Children's TV. There was a lot of technical issues when the first one we did. I remember.

And guess what? You don't have to worry about that because all you have to do is stand in front of a webcam and not be incompetent. Would you just like me not to do? Do you want me to edit this? Are you asking me

if I'd like a different podcast with a better co-host? Yes, I would. Do you want me to quit the fucking podcast? I would. Oh my God, is this how it happens?

Is this a formal resignation? Or would you like, here's two, two ultimatums for you. See, he's not going to go here because he knows he needs the money. Two ultimatums for you. See, he's not going to go in because he knows he needs the money. Two ultimatums. I've got you by the fucking balls, mate.

Do you want me to edit the podcast? No, because I want this podcast out this week and not March next year. I'll just give it a listen. That's all. Yeah, that's it. Give it a listen. Just give it a listen.

Right, the mystery starts now. Okay. Right, the mystery begins now. This was bought at a charity shop a long time ago now. Alderstone, a unique deduction game. I'm going to read you out the letter that comes with this. I think it's Alderstein.

What? Perhaps that's part of the mystery. It might actually be Alderstein. Alderstone sounds like an Alan Partridge. Alderstone. He's a detective. No, it's Alderstein. Alderstein. Frankenstein! Well, you know, funnily enough, that is the mystery solved, so see you next detective. No, it's Alderstein. Alderstein. Frankenstein. Well, you know, funnily enough, that is the mystery solved,

so see you next week. Right, here we go. After I read this letter out, the rest of it is up to you. All I will say is there are clues that I have open here, which will give you tips if you get really stuck. Oh. So we do have answers, which means I do know what the outcome is should we get impossibly stuck. Have you played this or have you skipped ahead?

I have not played this, but I have played something similar. You do level select. Yes. You need to have access to the internet. I've got that so I can go on Facebook because you need to go on their Facebook pages for some of the crimes. It's one of these things. That would annoy my Nana. I'll be in charge of that. Eli, you can play again.

You can get involved and give your input as well. All right? Okay. So you played. So here we go. I've never played it. No. He said again, I know. This is what I mean about when he goes too fast. The extra words and stuff that really sort of I think I'm overthinking it. I know I've got a mystery to solve, so I think I'm trying to pick up on everything.

That was me being a dick. Alright, Columbo. I don't want you to be... And life is short. I don't want mum and dad to argue again, okay? Unfortunately, we're breaking up and you're in the middle of it. You're going to have to pick a side. Is it because of us? You're like, yeah, it is actually.

You two fucked everything up. Can we have the studio? To yourself. We do really like this studio. Here we go. Dear detectives, we are glad you have decided to play our game. But what you are holding in your hands is not just a game, but a simulation of a real-world scenario.

You are not limited to the contents of this box, but you can use any object from the real world around you that you think might help you pin down the criminal, i.e. a mobile phone or internet research. If you need any more information about one of the game's characters during your investigation, check both the game materials as well as anything else you find appropriate of the game's characters joining your investigation check both the game materials as well as anything else you find appropriate beyond the box's contents please remember that you are the one to choose who exactly is going to be convicted in the case

make your decision carefully consider the motives of the alleged suspects check all reference points clues and alibis handle the contents of the box with care. Damaged circumstantial evidence is not applicable in court and can nullify the... This is loud as shit. I'm leaning into it somewhat. If I pour my drink over it, I don't think it's going to change the outcome of this case. So, that's it in a nutshell.

We wish you best of luck and success in catching the criminal. Inside the box, you will find a criminal case with 23 pages of information. Bloody hell. You will find two pieces of evidence in a bag. You will find a newspaper cutting, four photographs, a medical prescription, a notebook, a letter in an envelope, and a page from a child's diary. And I believe there's something in there on the first page which sets up the mystery a little bit better.

First page of the notebook? Of the case criminal file. Okay, Chris is off. This is not, by the way, a part of the case for some reason. It was just in there. Is that a piece of wood? I think it's just off a bit of a shoe. Or some jeans or something from the charity shop.

Kickers. Because I checked online to make sure this wasn't a clue. It says best friend, which again throws me off somewhat. You've given it to Eli Yeah well that's an accident Isn't it Most satisfying twist Would be that it is

Part of a game Yeah Well I'm going to keep It here in case it is I'll let you Crack on then I'm here with the clues I can do the internet research

If you need it Eli Use your expertise as well You're involved Case begins now Dun dun dun Dun dun dun Dun dun dun Oh I didn't know you had songs in. Do you want your detective hat?

I do want my detective hat. I'll get you a detective hat. Do you want a David Jason hat? It's not, it's not. It's more like an LL Cool J hat. We hit the ground running with a pun, everybody, because Karl has a notebook here and his surname is Notebeck. That's not even, like, it just sounds a bit like notebook. Yeah. Hello, stranger. My name is is Notebeck. That's not even... It just sounds a bit like notebook.

Hello, stranger. My name is Carl Notebeck. The police are charging me with a crime I did not commit. Somebody is trying to frame me, even though I was just doing my job. I just saw the fire and took a few pictures of it. It's a fire. I earned my living like any other journalist,

but when I took the pictures, I did not know that someone was inside the house. Someone died in an arson attack. Listen, you're skipping ahead here because the next sentence is the owner of the house was killed in the fire. Oh! It looked like an accident, but my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to follow

up in order to find out who might have wanted Joseph dead. It turned out that quite a few people were possible suspects. Was it Fritzl who got locked in his own basement? There's a lot of motives. Can we clear this up? Is it Joseph Fritzl? I'd love that.

Paul, can we ask that? Is it Fritzl? If it is, then we're not going to solve the case because I want whoever did it to get away with it. Is Joseph Fritzl still alive? I think so. God. Masoud's mum's right.

The evil do stick around. Don't do the accent. No, I'll do the accent. Have you got a Fritzl? Is Joseph Fritzl still alive? It's shocked. Doesn't matter. I mean,

what's the point of it, OK, Google? OK, Google, is Joseph Fritzl still alive? Why don't we type it? Joseph Fritzl is currently serving Why don't we type it? A former monastery in Upper Austria that has been converted into a prison. A former monastery?

Sounds cushy, doesn't it? You'd have to pay a fortune for that. Swanky flat. Are you getting it for free? Just because he's a terrible human being. Why is it my phone reacted to your voice and not mine? It was like, hi lady, don't worry babe,

I'll help you out. Right, so this guy killed Joseph Fritzl in a fire. Well, he's been accused of killing Joseph Fritzl

in a fire. Who's been accused? The writer of the letter. Carl Notebeck. Fuck me, you're not paying attention, are you? Basically,

the game's over when we discover who did it. Yeah. Was it Carl Notebeck? I can safely say it was not Carl Noteback it wasn't and who's he written this to

us and he's like he's been accused of a crime he's basically been arrested for murder I suppose and he's going

hello stranger like that hello stranger here's all this really important evidence I don't know who you are but please solve my case I read it as like

somebody who hasn't seen us like Adam Good hadn't seen me for a while I read it as somebody who hasn't seen us. Adam Goode hadn't seen me for a while. I read it as, hey, stranger. We hadn't kept in touch. How close were you to him? You know Joseph Fritzl? Dead. How close?

Were you like best friends? Me and Adam Goode? Yeah. Tragic story here. We weren't, but he thought we were. Does he know that? Because you talk about him so much. I think you love him.

It's complicated. I think it was the first conversation we've ever had. He was like, I've got this old guy I used to know called Adam Good. He'd been at school for 20 years. He's been a fixture of my life. That's all I remember. Adam Good ran into a poster. Chris said he had a magic poster when he was a kid.

I forgot that. A magic eye thing. No, no. He had a poster of New York, and he said if you run into that, you could go to New York. So Adam Good ran. What, like the roadrunner? Yeah. Like the coyote.

So Adam Good did it. Chris told me that, and I was like... You told him to run into a wall. And weren't you like nine or something? Yeah, I was nine, and I was just like, Adam believes almost everything I tell him. So he is quite gullible. He told him to run to a poster.

Bang. Paul. Yeah. Update on the Lambrini rhubarb flavour. Yeah. Fucking disgusting. It started out bad, it's got worse. It's got progressively worse.

Mine is so sweet that it's giving me diabetes. It's like that Dolly Parton Christmas special she did last year for Netflix. Was she on Lambrini? Oh, it was so sugary and saccharine, mate. Oh, I missed it. No, she's on a porn star, isn't she? She's not a what? Dolly Parton?

No. She's not a porn star. She's drinking a porn star martini. Yeah, it's a porn star martini. Passion fruit martini. Yeah, but it's gross. And porn star martinis are actually really nice. Yeah, because they actually have the actual pulp.

You put a bit of passion fruit in a bit of passion fruit and because it's like in porn they put passion fruit up themselves do they? that's what it's based on wait I'm just going to

take a note of this fruit based porn no there's a lot of fruit based porn I think we can all accept that what passion fruits I like your you used the word accept

I can accept that people do things with fruit that I'm not privy to. What would you do with a fruit? Which fruit would you choose? Passion fruits are quite difficult to eat because of all the little seeds, aren't they? No, the seeds are nice.

Crunch them up. Yeah, I like passion fruits. Did you ever see that... Change his mind. Do you ever see that... Pomegranates. Oh, yeah, pomegranates are bad. Little jewels.

They look great, but they taste like shit. Did you ever see that ITV drama based on the Carry On films? And it had Sid James and Barbara Windsor and blah, blah, blah. There's a bit in it where he's trying to woo Barbara Windsor. So Sid James takes a passion fruit and cuts it. He goes, this is how you're meant to eat, a passion fruit. And he cuts it on and he squeezes it. He's like...

Sid James doing that in front of Barb. Oh, God. And he's trying to say, I'm good, I'm good on the... And she's going, oh, and her bra flies off. It obviously worked, though, didn't it? Because they...

They had a thing. They had many a thing. I bet it was horrible. What, Sid James? I bet their whole thing was horrible, just slapping against each other. The sex scene in the drama

is kind of weird to watch. I bet. Yeah, because... Who's playing them? They play themselves. I can't remember the name of the actress or an actress, but she was in the stage play, you know, Carry On, Emmanuel, Dick and Camping,

or whatever that big stage play was that was out in the 80s. It wasn't Maxine Peake, was it? Might have been. For some reason, that's in my book, probably not. Hang on. Sorry, look. I'll read some evidence out. Who's the cast of Cor Blimey ITV?

Joseph Fritzl. He's serving. You have some detail. Oh, she's cut with you. Samantha Spiro. Oh, I know, yeah. Played young Babs. And who played Sir James?

Geoffrey Hutching. Pass us the notebook. No, I don't know him. That's the letter. We've had the letter. We haven't got through that yet. Oh, I've got ages. We haven't gone through it.

No, we haven't got through it yet. We haven't got through that. We haven't got through the letter yet. Right, where did we get to on the bloody letter? We got to... Does it tell us what's get to on the bloody letter? We got to... Does it tell us what's happened to Elizabeth and her kids?

We got to, unfortunately. Okay, you ready? Because I think about them a lot and I hope they're alright. Who? Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Fritzel and her kids. I feel like as the public we should be getting updates on what they're up to. I think they're alright. I think they're okay.

Yeah, good. They haven't stayed in touch. They've probably got their own TV show. Oh, you cynic. Yeah, well, it turns out anyone can get on TV now. We have you cynic. Yeah, well, it turns out

anyone can get on TV now. We have to be locked up by your dad in a dungeon for 10 years. Yeah, like impregnated. Like that. Let's not forget impregnated by your dad.

Twice. Yeah, I know, it's really bad. Okay. I think it's about six times. Unfortunately, no. Is he taking the letter off you, Chris? Yeah.

I'm trying to move this forward. I'm trying to be an aide to this. Eli's all business.. I'm trying to move this forward. I'm trying to be an aide to this. Eli's all business. Come on. I'm trying to move this forward. He's got his detective hat on and he wants to see it. This is the remainder of the letter. Unfortunately, and remember,

he's the guy who sent us this info, who's been accused of the arson. This is Carl's notebook. Unfortunately, I cannot write about it anymore. While I was searching for evidence, the police concluded that I had set the house on fire.

The po-po! Yeah. My constant interrogations annoyed the policemen and they decided to get me out of the way. I'll give you all the evidence that I managed to collect

so far. I pray to God that all of the materials related to this case will fall into their right hands. He fucking did it. And I hope you can find the offender.

Remember, it was definitely not me. Yeah, well... Good luck. Yours, Carl Notebeck. Notebook. Or it's Nottebecker. Nottebecker, that's quite good. Maybe it's Beck.

Why is it called Aldersdien? That's the problem. Oh, hang on. Well, I think this game is originally a European game. It's been translated into English. So Aldersdien might have a reference to something we don't understand. I think it's a place, because I can see it on the next bit of evidence. Well, let's see this next bit of evidence then, shall we? Well, then, yeah.

Where do you want to go next? Because you've got all sorts. You've got evidence, 23 pages. You've got photographs, medical prescription. I guess you're just going to have to read through it. I guess, yeah. We've got ages, though. We've got all that shit as well. Yeah, there's loads of shit in there. Shall we start with this, or do you want to look at the notebook? Can I look at the notebook? Yeah, look at the notebook.

So Carl Notebeck has got very childish handwriting. Yeah. Perhaps he is only nine. Okay. Okay, the first page... And as we know, a child can't cause a problem. Oh, I know, because he's nine. Look, that was a letter that I just read out from him.

Does that sound like a nine-year-old? He's a small boy, but he's got shitty handwriting. A nine-year-old would annoy the police. Yes. By asking interrogations. And they arrest him? Okay. The first page of the notebook says, in biro,

015233, and then they've scribbled out. Can you see that? Let's see if we can read it underneath. Is it a phone number? No, we can't. They've scribbled out the end of that phone number. Ken Brennan would do this. Ken Brennan's a really good detective.

Yeah, he'd look at the next one. He'd go like that. And then shade a pencil. Okay. To see the... Yeah, man. But we're not going to do that. Ken Brennan's a really good detective. Yeah, he'd look at the next one. He'd go like that. And then shade a pencil. Okay. To see the... Yeah, man. But we're not going to do that. See a big drawn cock.

Yeah, that's from The Big Lebowski. Yeah, The Big Lebowski. That's the joke from The Big Lebowski. No, no, that's what I was about to say. No, you were trying to pass that up. No, I was literally about to say... You were trying to pass it up. He's not a thief or a liar.

Mate, he's both of those things. And you're wearing a touch of Frost's hat. And a liar. Shut up, don't. And all that's bad. It's LL Cool J. LL Cool J? LL Cool J was wearing a Touch of Frost hat. Shut up, don't. And all that's bad. It's LL Cool J. LL Cool J? LL Cool J was not

a Touch of Frost. He wore a hat like that. He wore a Kangol like this. It's a little tweed hat. I'd watch the Touch of Frost US remake with LL Cool J. I'd run DMCs to have these. Monday, six o'clock.

Appointment at editorial office. He's Britain. Okay. Who's notebook is this? It's Carl. It's Notebex, yeah. Well, if he's... All right, okay. Second page of Notebex. Let's see, He's written. Okay. Whose notebook is this? It's Carl. It's Notebex, yeah. Well, if he's... Right, okay.

Second page of notebook. Let's see, let's see. Let's get through this notebook. Second page of notebook. He's drawn... A house on fire. A monster. Is that a monster

standing on top of a house? It does look like a house on fire. What does it say underneath? It's scribbled out something and then underneath written information. Can we see the first letter of what he's scribbled out?

That's a phone number, that is. Is that the number again? That's a mobile phone number. Why has he scribbled out these numbers if he wants us to catch the killer? I don't know, man. I think he did it. I'm sticking with my first theory. He'd be awful on a jewellery. I don't like the look of his eyes. I reckon he's I don't know why he's drawn the

house on fire when he says in his letter he took pictures. Is he like, ooh, I took a photo? I took a photo with my hands. Does that look like a doodle he might in his letter he took pictures yeah is he like oh i took a photo took a photo with my hands does that look like a doodle he might have drawn whilst he was on the phone to someone else like subconsciously he's like the fire oh it's information about the house on fire the fire the fire he's like that the fire so tell me more about the fire and what who you lost in the fire mrs whatever meanwhile he's scribbling a childish drawing of a fire. It's just a little bit insensitive. I found Alderstein.

Look, Chris, look. What does it say? It says www.Alderstein. He can't even write on the lines. Fucking hell, Carl. www.Alderstein.info slash bremmers. Password equals wedding day. And then he's written arson and crossed that out

and then attack three question marks. It was the three question marks that really sold me on his proposition. I'm going to type in that website and see. We don't even have any suspects yet. Carl. Oh shit. There's actually loads in this fucking notebook. Oh yeah.

Do you think Chris should look at that bit of evidence there? Which bit of evidence? The plane ticket. What's this plane ticket? It's a plane ticket for Joseph Bremer. Yeah. Oh, Bremers. And Mrs Alma Preuss. So that's the victim, Bremer?

Yeah. And the flight. He was having an affair. It's a flight confirmation. Where did it go? Including taxes. Oh, no, taxes. Airport taxes. Taxes, gotcha. They're thorough. including taxes oh no taxes airport taxes

taxes gotcha itinerary is they're flying from Frankfurt to Parma in Mallorca ooh I like Parma I've been there and they're flying out on the 24th of May

2017 right and then they're coming back on the 30th of May and when was the arson do we know when the arson was ah yes when was the time of the fire?

That's a good question, isn't it, Eli? That is a good question. Isn't it? That's what I'm asking. Isn't it? That is what I'm asking. Well, let's correlate that. Does it not say in his letter?

No. That would have been a great piece of information. There's nothing in this fucking letter. It's shit. This is me and Sheffield. I've got here a bit of it. Oh, who's that? They did it.

They've got face tattoos. What the fuck's that that is evidence it's a clock that's stopped it looks like the moon in that Moliere film oh

Men on the Moon yeah where there's a rocket in the eye and he's like out of my fucking eye the moon you know the one

do you think they used real cheese for that I think they used a real moon so that gives you the time of the fire but it doesn't give you the date

it certainly does. That's a good photo there. Unless the clock kept going, because it was like, I can't be stopped by a fire on my clock. I like the way they've used a proper old photo paper for that. That's a nice detail. Yeah, man, it's good. Like they got it developed at Boots. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Sticky slightly. Yeah. That's nice. Nice detail. I think we should look at all the evidence and then decide. So the fire started before midnight. Okay, well...

And it got so bad that the clock stopped, burnt the clock at 10 to midnight. Could be lunchtime. Yeah, could be. Either midnight or lunchtime. It was before either midnight or lunchtime. Is there paperwork from the police that tells you about the fire? Maybe.

I don't know. Very possibly. Adlerstein, it says there. That's wrong. It's Alderstein. It's the one that's headed Adlerstein. I think maybe on the box it's wrong. Because everything else is Adlerstein. I need a suspect.

There's a lot of complaints. A day when the fire happened, please, Paul. All we know is Carl did it. Can we go on their Facebook page? Is that Notebeck? God, he's grumpy. Is that Notebeck? Well no, if Notebeck's the suspect, there's one here, there's a police report, the suspect is Silvers.

Walter Silvers. Walter Silvers. That's a bit of a different crime, you know. I don't know how they're trying to make us do loads of homework. June the 2nd. Oh, that's after. Oh no, that's the hearing. That's the hearing. Okay. One of the problems. Oh, no, that's the hearing. That's the hearing. Okay. That's not after the holiday.

One of the problems with this, Paul, is that it's like European and I'm not familiar with their policing. It's in English, you daft Brexiteer. I don't like this. This foreign game. Quite possibly, the fire might have happened on the 29th of May.

Okay. Okay. When did he return? Where. When did he return? Where? When did Joseph return? Or May the 30th. What did the plane tickets say? When did they come back?

The 30th. What a creepy picture. In the evening at 6.45. So they came back after the fire? They landed at 6.45. If it was at lunchtime. But they found his body in there. Joseph.

Bremer. Joseph Bremer died, did he, in the fire? Yeah. Where did it say that? In the letter. In the letter. The house was killed in the fire. And life is short.

It certainly is. Yeah, the owner of the house was killed in the fire and then he says Joseph. Ah, it's okay. Yeah. So he must have returned then on the 29th before lunch. Is that right? Oh, that drinks awful.

Are you right? then on the 29th before lunch. Is that right? Oh, that drinks awful. Are you right? He landed back in Frankfurt from Mallorca on the 30th. Yeah, so how could he have been in the fire if he was in Mallorca?

He must have never gone to Mallorca. But I think, it's like I said, I think the fire was the 30th because on this witness statement here, Magdalena Witt was employed as a bartender at the Adler King Club. Heard regular customer Lucas Bremer speaking about his father at the bar. He told everyone how much he hated him and how disgusting

he was. On May the 29th, which you're right. Yeah. On May the 29th, he wasn't in Mallorca, according to this witness statement. Wow. So he should come back early from Mallorca or never gone to Mallorca in the first place. And we now have our first... There are two Bremers, Lucas and Joseph. So Joseph was theca in the first place. And we now have our first...

There are two Bremers, Lucas and Joseph. So Joseph was the one in the fire. And Rory Bremer. And Lucas... Is the one that went to Mallorca. No, Joseph went to Mallorca. But how was he back to dying in the fire? Because we don't know when that actually...

This is what I'm telling you. On May the 29th... Chris is doing the mystery now. On May the 29th, Lucas said he was planning to play a prank the next day, which is the 30th. A fire-based prank? So, yeah. Right.

Well, he actually used the word fire according to Magdalena Witt. Oh, shit, son. Yeah, but what's her story? She might have something against him. It's all for... You know, in the sewer, they're all rats. She probably did.

You know what women are like. Okay. Listen, I've been called a Brexiteer. I don't want to get on that train. This fucking rhubarb Lambrini is a fucking travesty and an aberration against... I don't know. I don't know how booze of 4% can burn your mouth like this.

I only had a small amount of mine and I was like... I think it's because it's mostly petroleum. It's really gross. So there's a picture here of... We haven't got to Frida yet. We're rushing through this. We do have our first suspect, which is the son, Larry. So there's a picture here. We haven't got to 3D yet. We're rushing through this. We do have our first suspect, which is the son. Larry. Is he called Larry?

Lucas. Let's call him Larry as a nickname. This is somebody filling up a petrol station on the 30th of May. And this is a CCTV image. I think we know it didn't happen about a month ago. What if they weren't filling the car up? What if they were filling up a petrol can to set a fire to it?

He is doing something weird back there. In this one, there's four pictures on this. Yeah. He's sort of kneeling down as if he could be filling a can. Oh, my goodness. Is this Lucas? This is our boy Larry, isn't it? Is it Laz?

It's Laz. So Joseph was, he didn't fly to Mallorca with this woman, but Frida was his second wife. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Joseph's up to no good.

There's a photograph here of Frida having an affair. He's the biggest shagger in Europe. Ah, Frida's having an affair. Did she die in the fire? No, just Joseph died. Just Joseph died in the fire. Only Joseph died in the fire.

Joseph in the fire. Quick question. Did Frida do it? Did you get a time? For what? For the fire. It's either before, well, the clock stopped. Only Joseph died in the fire. Joseph in the fire. Quick question. Did you get a time? Did you get a time? For what? For the fire. It's either before... Well, the clock must be when the fire...

But we don't know whether it was... I think the clock stopped the second the fire started. The fire happened. What time was he taking pictures? The police report and the photograph, by the way, as a clue, will tell you the exact time of the fire. The police report? Yeah, there should be a police report,

and the combination of the information from the photograph of Joseph Bremer and then the burnt clock and the police report will tell you the time. This looks really discouraging, all this timetable stuff. Yeah, but that's why I've got the clues open. Hello, ticket cancellation. They didn't go. Oh, no, we fucking know. Mystery solved.

We never went on holiday. But only Joseph Bremer, apparently. So she went. It looks like maybe she still went. Alma Preusch. So he stayed behind, even though he bought two tickets. He was meant to go. There you go.

Some suspects there with maybe motives, proofs and alibis. I was looking at that page, and my brain was going through a weird thing. Did someone write on this when playing it, or was that a fake writing that's printed on? I think this is printed on because, look, it's on the back of this matchbox. Oh, yeah, we didn't look at the actual physical evidence. We've got a matchbox.

Can I look at the physical evidence? Right, there's lots of people we haven't met yet. So who have we met? Walter Sivers. We don't know who the fuck that is. No. He's the old man in the... I know, but who the fuck is he?

He's just some old guy. Oh, this is just a piece of paper. You know what, Paul? I'm starting to feel very planet. I know, but who the fuck is he? He's just some old guy. Oh, you know what, Paul? I'm starting to feel very weary. Of what, life? Tired and emotional off this Lambrini. Because of Lambrini. Yeah. It's gone straight to my head.

That drink is really wrecked. That's the tagline for Lambrini. Gets emotional with Lambrini. In my uni house. Is there anything nicer? I can have a look if you want. Is there anything nicer? The gin and tine's probably all right,

even though it's diet tonic. You've got vodka limes and lemonade. So what happened in your uni house? In my uni house, there was a girl who was always drinking Lambrini and then she'd get hammered and then leave it out on the side for days on end and then I'd use it to cook with. Oh nice, nice. Or warm Lambrini.

Like a Lambrini risotto. It works though, doesn't it? Yeah, I used to mix it with cream And I was like I bet that would work okay Or my salmon and stuff Yeah I can see that working

Oh I'm 18 I'm dead sophisticated Putting Lambrini in my food Hello I'd like to go on MasterChef please It's a deconstructed casserole I use Lambrini That's been open for two days

Over the weekend Genius Well I'll tell you what To help things along At least it's not aged urine To help things along Walter Who's one of-juring. To help things along. Walter, who's one of the suspects, has got a previous conviction for arson.

Walter Sivers. Just so you know. And he's an old, look at him, mean-looking fella. I think we should judge him simply by his looks. He set a dog house on fire.

Oh! We've all done it. He started with a kennel. He had a two-year suspended sentence and a fine of €3,000. He killed a dog? So he's definitely a dog killer. He's the top it. He started with a kennel. He had a two-year suspended sentence and a fine of €3,000. He killed a dog. So he's definitely a dog killer. He's the top suspect on this paper.

Here comes the dog killer murderer. Lucas Bremner, of course, is the son who hates his daddy. So that's another one. Rory Bremner. I just want to keep saying Rory Bremner. Alma Pruce. Alma Pruce is his third wife. Is this right?

Third? Possibly, but not his second wife. Why is a cad and a bounder? Her alibi, according to this piece of paper, was she was in Spain. Well, she was. Could you buy the ticket? Could you buy the ticket, huh?

We're not here to judge Mike fucking. I think the booze is getting to everyone. I don't know if I was Italian. Why have you got those dirty beans? What? It's because every time you ask for a clue, I was going to give you a bean, but I've just realised, nah.

We're never going to get to the end of this. I'm never going to get rid of these fucking beans. I'm feeling like, I'm feeling like, gross beans from the, the guy in the Minotaur maze. Well, I've also got maybe a motive here for Walter.

That he was in the Iron Minotaur? Theseus, Theseus in the Minotaur, yeah? Yes. I'm not very good at the Greek mythology. I'm amazing on it. Is it Theseus?

Who was he who had to kill that Minotaur? Theseus. Yeah, I thought it was Theseus. Yeah. And why do you have to do it? Because he wanted to Self-defence Why did he judge him?

Didn't he have sex with a bull or something? And then, no Who? No, that's how the minotaur was created It was a woman who had sex with a bull And made a bull He angered the gods in some way I'm going to go out and say that

That's always going on in Greece That's always going on They're always angry Those gods are They're like some way. I'm going to go out and say that. Oh, that's always going on in Greece. That's always going on. They're always angry. He always pisses the gods off. They're like, oh, I'm annoyed. Well, I think it's the god who got cuckolded by the person who had a child with the book. He cucked.

Then sends him after the kid, the illegitimate child. That's going to do wonders for your self-esteem if you cuckold a god. Yeah, you'd be like... Yeah. Yeah. Probably the god had a, you'd be like... Yeah. Yeah. Probably the god had a, like,

cock fetish. Well, he could watch him whenever he wanted. He liked to come in after us and clean them up. I'm an all-powerful god deeply into humiliation. Well, they are, aren't they?

Well, you know what? Because I suppose it's the sort of thing to them that is a fantasy. Yeah. You know what I mean? So there is very psychologically

sound reasoning that a god might be too... If you were omnipotent, yes. If you were omnipotent, you'd sort of have a fantasy about not being omnipotent. Yeah, that's true. I think it's very telling. If you want to know,

the Magnator was the offspring of, it says, Pasiphae, the wife of Minos, and a snow-white bull sent by Minos by the god Poseidon for a sacrifice. Oh, Poseidon. Instead she went oh fuck it. Poseidon goes, here have this bull with snow white and everything.

And she's like, oh shit. Zeus didn't he also disguise himself as a swan and fuck the woman. He loves doing that. Ancient Greeks, they would come up with some mad shit, man. Because all they had was their imagination and fear of gods. They would never have done that if they had Facebook.

They might have. They'd be playing Alderstein. What puzzles me is if he's the god of the sea, Poseidon, why is he sending a bull? Send a fish. Or a squid. If I wouldn't do much on land, it'd just be flapping about. You could still have sex with it.

That woman probably still has sex with it. Yeah, but even easier. She doesn't want to be chasing this bull around trying to get it to Wales, unless they're beached and vulnerable. Have you ever seen... You know those ancient 15th century drawings of mariners and they're like,

I saw tentacles rise from the ocean. They reckon it was whale dicks. Yeah. They reckon it was whales with their dicks out just lying on their back. They've got huge dicks, whales. Yeah, well, have you seen a whale?

Hang on, lads. I'm off for half an hour of fun. Splosh. You could swim through a blue whale's penis. Hey, I'd like to spit roast a whale. Oh.

One on the blowhole and one with the whale. With the whale tackle. One with the whale tackle. I knew that was not going to land, man. As soon as you opened your mouth. I'm gutting it. I'm gutting it. Come on. Two little guys on a whale. With the whale tackle. I knew that was not going to land, man. As soon as you opened your mouth. I'm judging it. I'm judging it.

Two little guys on a whale. You'd have to be on your mobile phone chatting to each other, though, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like you do. I was at your end. Ooh, this baleen done off stink. They have got the largest nuts of all mammals. Well, they have.

Have you seen a blue whale? Can you call me back, please? I've used up all my minutes. It's all right. I'm on WhatsApp. whale? It's as big as a bus. It's alright, I'm on WhatsApp. I've got all the time in the world. And they jump out of the water when they come. That's true. I did Whale Nation.

I did Whale Nation. I went to Glastonbury touring a theatre show, Whale Nation. It's a long poem. Were you doing TIE? No. Did you have to swim in a paddling pool? I was one of the narrators, and there was people doing... A narrator?

A marinator. A marinator. There was people doing interpretive dance. It was in Glastonbury. That sounds like the worst thing to watch at Glastonbury. Eli, your life is amazing. Right, look at this. I found some matches.

Ah, and is there a burnt one or a missing one? Yes, there is one or two missing. Okay, well, those were used to start the fire. This little piece of paper just has a very long, apparently, kind of code or secret code to break. It's probably a key to a cipher, isn't it? A what? Yeah, some kind of Rosetta Stoney type thing.

I've got here a legal complaint from Walter about Joseph's house. A legal complaint? He was like, you can't put an extension there. That's exactly it. He didn't like an extension? Yeah. I, Walter Sivers, he's given his home address, even though he's put it at the top of the letter.

I demand the demolition of an unauthorised house annex. I'm referring to a garage that my neighbour, Joseph Promo, has constructed on his plot with that one. So this is Sivers, the ex-arsenist. This is his motive we've got there. Sivers. His aim of, yeah.

So you think... He'd done the extension so he burnt down the whole house. My mum has that theory about her housework. Who's Frida? Who's Frida Bremer? The second lady, isn't it?

Second wife. Yeah. Who's Ulmer Pruse? No, who's on first? What's on Pruse? Should we give up now? I'm close to getting give up. The matches have got a Facebook page,

and it's for Lucas Bremer. Let's go on the Facebook page. Look at that. Do you want the address? Facebook.com? Yeah. He's already got it ready. He's got it ready.

Oh, get it. Such a good... Slash Lucas... Bremer Lucas. And the Lucas's with a K. Oh, get it. Such a good... Slash Lucas. Bremer Lucas. And the Lucas's with a K. What makes gin pink? Blood. Human blood.

Is it? No. It's grapefruit, isn't it? Grapefruit. Pink gin? Or is it slow gin? Maybe. No, slow gin's very dark.

It's jammy gin. Jammy gin. Someone my mum works for gave her a bottle of homemade slow gin and I've had it in a few of our cocktails on our podcast. It's delicious. Miss Jonah Rocks, every Thursday morning. Tuesdays for Patreon. Did you grow up in LA?

I did not grow up in LA. Where did you grow up? In London. Oh, okay. I'm first generation British. I'm trying to get information about Eli's life every time I see him. No, no. I never...

He's always here. My mum was born in Germany and then moved to Buffalo when she was five in America. And then my dad was born in Yonkers, New York. Wow, they're American. They're American. I'm first gen. Okay, I'm getting the info.

Does that mean you've got an American passport and a British passport? If I wanted. If you wanted to. I don't want an American passport. Go on, get one. Did I tell you about this self-tape

I had to fucking do? No, which one? Did you do self-tape? I hate them. It had... It said, business casual, let's see you. It probably said let's. Hey, man. Yeah.

Business casual, perhaps the blokes are in ties and a shirt, unbuttoned. I'm not fucking doing that. I'm not laboring for you. I'm not putting on the fucking conformist... A monkey suit for you. The fucking conformist fucking capitalist uniform for you and you're not even paying me for it that's personally also both sides of my hands also the fact that you don't have a clean shirt or tie i don't and i'm proud of that i wear

the uniform of the proletariat do you a t-shirt jeans and a t-shirt. A David Jason hat. Where does the hat come in? Don't. It's not a David Jason hat. It is. I'm going to call it your David Jason hat from now on. Anyway, both sides of your hands. Yeah. Yeah, you have to do that.

They said, want to see the smile with the teeth and without the teeth? And then lastly, a full-bodied laugh, an open-mouthed laugh. Oh, that's a ridiculous self-tape. Did you do it? And then it said, look at your phone. You're surprised. You're pleased.

You're confident. You've just sent an email you're pleased with. I was just like, oh, fuck off. This sounds better than the last self-tape I did. Really?

What was that? I had to play Eric Morecambe. So it was just a lot of this and that. Well, no, but it was... You had to sing. Eric Morecambe singing Are You Lonesome Tonight You know that bit

that really old Morecambe and Wise sketch where they sing Are You Lonesome Tonight and then there's a few other backing singers and they go they make the noises

Oh is this the Oom-blah-yetta-tata sketch Yeah It's a whole sketch where Ernie Wise ends up getting left out of the song every time because he's in the wrong

part of the song when he's needed or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And anyway, I had to do that by myself in my living room. That's so surreal to do. Very bizarre. When you step outside and you're just sitting there in front of a camera going, ooh-wee, ya-ta-ta-ta, ooh-wee, ya-ta-ta-ta.

It's like, that's how you go mad. Normally, I will delete self-tap self tapes immediately but I'm keeping that one. This one you're putting on OnlyFans. Good for memories. Patreon content. Did you tell me about my goth audition? Yes. You showed us the pictures. Oh yeah I did didn't I? Do you want to hear about it? Yeah no I'll listen to it. I'll tell you quickly because we've got to fucking solve this. No I mean I'll tell you this. Quite honestly we haven't. This man what he did to his daughter, he must go to prison.

He didn't do anything to his daughter. I can tell you this for a fact. Lucas Guy, the son, couldn't have done the murder because he was at a nightclub on his Facebook page at the exact same time

the fire happened, which was 11.50 at night. But you ordered it. Yeah. Now for the goth story. Goth story. So the audition came in. They were like,

we're looking for fun people who are good comic timing to be in this fashion advert. And they have to be a goth. And they want us to improvise answers to all these questions they'd sent in. And so I went, fucking brilliant. Dressed up as a full goth. I had to dig out stuff I hadn't worn since I was at uni because I did used to dress like a goth, but I listened to Les Mis. And so I was wearing it all.

I had all the goth makeup. And then I was answering questions. There was, like, a crazy goth character. And one of them was like, what's your favourite place? And I was like, a graveyard in the middle of the night. And they were like, great, we'd like her to come and audition properly. So you had to go in. I was like, oh, brilliant.

I'll probably get this. It's right in my wheelhouse. I arrived, and there were 25 people in the waiting room who were, like, all very clearly real guys and what they wanted was authentic gobs and i sat down like oh shit next to this guy who was probably about my age and he looked he'd never got past sick form you know he i stopped it and i said uh oh god i said oh tim like hi hi i feel like i'm about 18 and he was like what and then we had we had to audition in groups of five and there they went down the line and i very quickly was

like oh i can't do my silly answers and they went to this guy who i'd been next to and said hi uh what do you look for most in a friend and he went loyalty i am loyal to a fault and i wish other people felt the same and i I was like, whoa! And then they asked a woman on the end, like, what do you value most in the world? And she went, my health. And then cried. Meanwhile, you're there in goth blackface

doing that. One of the dancers, giving them the self-tape, they were like, who's your favourite person? And I was like, it was Kate Bush until I found out she was Tory. And then I just had to go, oh, my God, got some good friends. Anyway, I didn't get it. Awkward, yeah.

I like Tim Burton and shopping and Hot Topic. There's this whole blurring of the whole lines. It's like, do you want real goths or do you want an actor? They should have just said, we want a real goth. They never know what the fuck they want. And they're evil. They're evil. Yeah. Casting directors or goths? All of them. All of them. we want a real goth. They never know what the fuck they want, and they're evil. They're evil. Yeah.

Casting directors or goths? All of them. All of them. Imagine being a goth director. Or Tim Burton. Anyway. Yeah. I can't think of any other goth directors, to be fair, at this point.

Eli goth. Eli goth. Oh, there were goths at my boarding school, believe me. Boarding school. Right, you went to boarding school. Right, tell us about this, Eli. I want to know about your goals. He throws out some breadcrumbs, doesn't he?

He does, doesn't he? It was a vegetarian boarding school. Right, you went to boarding school. Right, tell us about this, Eli. He does, doesn't he? It was a vegetarian boarding school. It was a progressive vegetarian boarding school. This is amazing. When was this? This was in the 80s. How were you not ahead of BBC comedy, though, judging by your whole backstory? This is amazing. Bogwarts. I'm intrigued

by the idea of, first of all, boarding school anyway, because I never went, but a vegetarian boarding school. Oh, yeah. Cheese. That's what they made up for. They made up for the meat with the of all, boarding school anyway, because I never went, but a vegetarian boarding school. Oh, yeah. Cheese. That's what they made up for. They made up for the meat with the cheese in this boarding school in a big way.

Oh, okay, so good cheese. It wasn't great. It wasn't terrible. It made up for it. It was brilliant. It wasn't vegetarian cheese. I mean, it was normal cheese. It was normal cheese, yeah.

So there's only boys in your school. You'd have big washing up tubs. Was it a mixed boarding school? There's big plastic washing up tubs. Yeah. And one would have cheese in, and one would have less What the fuck, Eli?

Is the reason they did this, because copious amounts of cheese dampens the libido? Is that why they did that? It dampened mine. Oh, Eli, fuck machine. You were in a fuck machine when you were at boarding school. I was. Your cheese-based boarding school fuck machine.

I almost got expelled for getting someone pregnant. What? Eli? It's a boy's school. I want information about Eli's life, and now I've had too much. Too much. You should be careful what you ask for all the time on this fucking joke. Who's on trial here?

Joseph? No. Emma? What's on trial? Who's apparently the person you got pregnant? Eli, have you got a son? No. No. Don't you know pregnant? Eli, have you got a son? No. No.

That you know of. Daddy, daddy. I didn't know. Don't, don't. Listen. Daddy, I miss you, daddy. Daddy. Can you kick up a football round with me, daddy?

Daddy, please. All I want to do is learn how to play darts. Eli, I've got time for this. I've got to do an episode of Junior Show. If that child had been born, they would be like 30 or something now. No. What?

Yeah, because I was 16. Eli was eight. I was 16. We're laughing about this, but there's a really sad story. They'd be 30-year-old adult man. Let's do another impression. The kind of information I wanted

was stuff about the cheese. Oh, yeah, cheese. There was loads of cheese. And then we had to go orienteering. They was the stuff about the cheese. Oh, yeah, cheese. There was loads of cheese. And then we had to go orienteering. That gave us the worst cheese. I was a fuck machine. I got expelled. I was a cheddar-fuelled fuck beast.

I will fucking have every woman in this fucking small boarding school. I'll have the nun. Well, you're not too far off there, Paul. A cheese fuck machine. Wow, he had sex with everyone in school. Are you a Gorgonzola? I was known as a slag. I was.

Eli Silver Slag. Only Eli would be a slag in a cheese-based boarding school. I wasn't cheese-based. I hate you to add. It's cheese-based now in my head. When we went orienteering, we got the worst cheese, so I just want to say that. Why would you get any cheese when you're orienteering? Cheese was the worst cheese, so I just want to say that. Why would you get

any cheese when you're orienteering? Cheese was a prize as well. Was it prize or dinner? It was packed lunch and dinner. Did they leave a tray of cheese?

You know what was the best day for the school dinners was when they had the bean pie, basically. Bean pie? Yeah, baked bean pie, which was baked bean,

mash, cheese on top. That does sound good. That's great. Paul, it does sound good. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Look at me. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Look at me. You'd like that.

Sometimes this shows like the Schrodinger's box of facts I don't want to know. It's like they're both the facts I kind of do and I don't want to know. And until I open it, I don't know if I'm going to react well. This is the woman that you nearly got pregnant. A dinner lady. You did get her pregnant. Was it a wedding? No.

Because you went up to her and went, oh, can I give you an extra helping of bean pie today? No, you know, I do have a dinner lady story, though. Go on. Oh, how pregnant was she? I don't give a shit about grandma's under fire anymore. I do have a dinner lady story. Yeah. I used to have curly, big sort of curly hair.

Yeah. And then there's this one dinner lady. She was there for years. She used to call me Starsky. Out of Starsky and Hutch. She'd go, oh, Starsky. One more bean pie, Starsky. And there was another dinner person. Yeah'd go, I'm Starsky. It's not fun to... I'm your bing-bye, Starsky. And there was another dinner person

who was a dinner man called Mr. Moe, who was a Chinese gentleman. Mr. Moe the dinner man. Yeah, and he was the most famous. Because everyone loved him. He was great at dishing out the cheese and stuff. I swear,

this is like the origin story of Danny DeVito's character in It's Always Sunny. Are you donkey brained, Eli? Have you got a certificate? He's got a certificate that says he does not have donkey brains.

Tell you what, this pink gin, fucking hell. Look, it's like a truth serum. You opened that second one voluntarily. It wasn't forced on you. It's a bloody truth serum.

We're going to find out how old his kid is. We're going to find out his kid's like... It would be 30. Daddy. I do love cheese, actually. Yeah, I know.

You're quite the cheese man. I can see why now. Lots of romantic memories to go with it. This pink gin is fucking taste of piss. Do you want to try another one, Chris? We've got diet gin and tonic, or we've got vodka, lime and lemonade.

You could say no to both of these. There's not compulsory. Chris, are you trying to solve the case? No. Oh, this bullshit, this game sucks. Well, look, I can tell you it wasn't his son. Okay, because he was in a nightclub. He wasn't Lucas Bremner.

Was he in this nightclub? We all knew that, didn't we? Was he in the one with the matches? I'm going to try the vodka lime and lemonade. If anyone would like some of the passion fruit martini, they can. I need to toss that off. I need to finish it off. You need to toss it off, do you?

You need to like your pee-pee. What is this? Eli's school days? It was. It was great because I was like the centre of attention. I was in a play every term. Wow.

What were some of the plays you did, Eli? Yeah, what plays? I did... Any musicals? The Oresteia. What the hell is that? It was a Greek thing

with the Orestes who was the son of Agamemnon. No, you're Orestes. I'll arrest those. What animal did he fuck? Yeah, he didn't. He killed his mum.

Oh. It's either one or the other in Greek history. It's either a sexual animal or fucked his mum. Or turned someone into a statue. Oedipus killed his dad and fucked his mum. Oh, no, but Orestes killed his mum. I didn't know it was his mum. Oedipus didn't know it was his mum. Orestes had to kill his mum.

He was lawful, wasn't he? Oh, yeah. And then he got told at the end. And then when he realises, he stabs out his eyes. I'm like, oh, yeah, that'll change where you put your dick. I've got nothing else. You've got nothing generally. Wow. Except your editing is all right. It'm like, oh, yeah, that'll change where you put your dick. I've got nothing else, it's true. You've got nothing generally. Wow!

Except your editing is all right. It's good on that. Oh, is it? Thank you. Thank you for the thing that I spend most of my week doing, as opposed to having to socialise. Oh, I've got tails from the dance floor, Paul. Go for it.

Oh, brilliant. Yes. So, I'm DJing last night. Yeah. Yeah? Get in the mood, go in. Like that? He DJs, yeah.

He DJs at a Ponton's. Would you do a Ponton's gig? No. Eli, do a Ponton's 80s weekend. No. Grand. For one night's work. Are they providing their own music equipment?

It's all there. He's going to bring the records. Can I play vinyl? Yeah. How long is the gig? It's four hours. I'll do that, yeah. See, there we go.

And you get a little chalet to yourself. Full of cheese. Full of cheese. The dinner ladies. Cheese. All the dinner ladies. Cheese. All the dinner ladies you can ask for. So, I'm playing records at the beginning of the night and this young lady comes up

and she goes, I'm your daughter. Hi, can I just ask one question? Oh, stop. She goes, can I ask one question? My mate's a really good singer. I hate this. I hate when he sings.

Can she sing? Is is there gonna be a chance for her and i was like no absolutely not i was very i wasn't trying to be rude in my tone of voice but it was quite firm you know apps there is no way sort of i said absolutely not she went isn't it an open thing like pointed at the mics on the stage and i was like no there's professional musicians who are going to come and perform for you. It's so rude. I get it if I'm singing at a gig. Hi, my mate would love to do a song. I'm like, fucking would she?

Why isn't your mate a fucking singer then? She's got a really good voice. You know what I mean? If you then relent and go, okay, their mate is invariably fucking shit. Yeah, of course they are. You should have let her. That's why their mate is there, getting pissed, instead of having a bloody gig singing somewhere.

Well, I'm not. You should just say, turn the music off. Sorry, everyone, Caroline here wants to sing Nothing Compares To You by Tanita O'Connor. She's an accountant and on Monday I'm going to go to her office and have her go on her fucking computer. That song, by the way,

should be banned, that Nothing Compares To You song, because every time I've ever seen a woman sing it at karaoke, it's invariably followed by a mental breakdown on stage in front of all of their friends. Seriously, the number of times you go, nothing can... Really?

It's an effective lyric, isn't it? And they can't do the F at the top. They can't do the... Nothing can... Oh, is that the F? It's an F. That and when some guy decides, yes, I can sing Robbie Williams' Angels.

Oh, shit, man. They never can. Or Queen, any Queen. Any Queen. Yeah, I can do Somebody to love And they can't even do The So

So I said no The thing is Paul You know You suggested As a way of maybe Diffusing this Is to say Go on then

And then everyone Would boo them They wouldn't In that place They'd go love They'd love it And then she'd be A TikTok sensation

You know Yeah And someone else Came up later And then she'd be a TikTok sensation. You know? Yeah. And someone else came up later. And then you'd be in the corner of the video just eating a triangle of Stilton. I don't listen. Jacking it. It was just this cheap cheddar.

That's all we had. Don't you call her that. Just tons of cheddar. Don't call the woman you nearly got pregnant cheap cheddar. Cheap cheddar. Cece. Wow. You nearly got expelled for that.

Oh, yeah. Very nearly. Have you ever seen her since? Yeah. No. Oh, yeah, very nearly. Have you ever seen her since? Yeah. No. Oh, that means yes. I've seen her on Facebook, but not in real life. She stayed in the same town. It's like the end of Social Network, and you added her, and then you're like...

I didn't add her. I just crept around and had a look. Right, well, here we go. Just on Facebook, like, you know, that's her. I just crept around. I didn't listen. This is me, Joe. I'm not the bad man here.

Whoever caused this fire. You're the one who got kicked out of a bloody school. Nearly. Nearly. He had a washing up bowl full of cheese, another one full of lettuce. And a bean pie. And a turkey baster filled with sludge.

Oh, whatever, Paul. Yeah. Crash and burn. A fucking turkey baster would have filled with what? Spunk? Spunk, yeah. Popcorn, yeah. Crash and burn. A fucking turkey baster would have filled a what? Spunk? Spunk, yeah. Popcorn, yeah. Yeah.

Big, thick ropes of... Drink another can of truth serum. We need more facts about your life. This just tastes like shit Sprite. I'll tell you what. Does it? Yeah. I'll tell you what.

Let's give this five more minutes, and I'll ask you all to take a guess on who you think the murderer is based on the scant bit of information. Hey, look. I found a page from a child's diary. What does a child's diary say? It says May 30th.

Do it in a voice. Oh, great, I can do my creepy little girl voice. So this is the day after the fire. Are you doing it now? Yeah. Right. I love Mitzi. She smells like candy.

Mum and Dad had a fight. He drove two grandmas. She spoke grandmas wrong. Fucking idiot. She smells like medicine. Mum drove to grandma's she's got grandma's wrong fucking idiot she smells like medicine mum drove to her appointment and she'll pick up the book on her way back

and then May 31th she doesn't put fake first 31th bless her this girl is a moron mum came back in the middle of the night she smelled like petrol oh

oh shit oh shit shit well there's a childhood drawing here but what might the actual murder take place on or the arson but he says I love me Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Shit, dog. Well, there's a childhood drawer in here. But what might the actual murder take place on? Does it? Or the arson?

But it says, I love Mitzi. 30th. 30th. I love Mitzi. She smells like candy. So this kid's always sniffing people. She loves the smell of things, this kid. Yeah.

Yeah. Who's Mitzi? There is a kid's drawing somewhere. There was. Wasn't there somewhere? He's got face tattoos. Oh, a letter. There's a whole plot, by the way, about a football team,

and you can forget that because that's a massive red herring. Oh, really? Yeah, I've skipped ahead to that bit. Football. Although they have put a lot of effort into the fake newspaper. I mean, this paper is like... This must be a whole genre of thing. Can you play it by yourself?

Chris has played some. Yeah, I've played a few of these. You can play it by yourself. You haven't played it by yourself. This one's probably quite good. I don't know. We've played it for an hour. I don't know. Walter got his complain on an hour and I don't know. Walter got

his complain on again. Oh my god, did he? Yeah, this time he was complaining to a physiotherapist. Who'd given him a sedative that has a negative side effect, which is causing not only a major inconvenience, but also a serious threat to his health. Blocked up penis.

Cheese down it. Come on. He's got a bean pie. Other things. As soon as the medication is administered, it causes me to fall asleep for a period of approximately two hours. Yeah, well, it's sedative, you moron. God, Walter.

Walter's such a twat. It's probably not Walter, then, is it? I wish he'd burned in that fire. Why? Because he was probably asleep during the fire. Oh, good point. Yeah. I think that's what you meant to think. No, but Walter's is too much of an obvious one anyway. Who's Walter again? Oh, he makes him go to sleep for two hours. He's the ex-arsenist who had a problem with the extension. Yeah, it point. Yeah. I think that's what you meant to think. No, but Walter's is too much of an obvious one anyway.

Who's Walter again? Oh, he makes him go to sleep for two hours. He's the ex-arsenist who had a problem with the extension. Yeah, it's not him. That's an easy red herring, that bollocks. I reckon it was the little girl. And Lucas, we've ruled out Lucas as well, because they were at a nightclub.

They were at a nightclub. What about Alma Pruz? I think you can clean that up with a bit of ointment. Oh, I'm sorry. I actually am sorry. What's this, Chris? This is... It's a sign-in book.

Yeah, this is the injection schedule of that sedative to Walter. There is one on the 30th of May, but in the morning, and there isn't one in the evening. He still could have done it, Walter. I need a week. But then Paul just said it isn't Walter, so I wouldn't guess Walter anyway. It says here that Frida is the mother that smelt of petrol.

I found the charge drawer. Frida is the mother that smelt of petrol. Frida was also having an affair, according to surveillance footage from the hotel. It's all pointing to Frida.

And she was back from Parma that night as well. Yeah, she came back soon. Oh, yeah, because the thing was cancelled, the gig she went to see. They were meant to go see a concert. It's in the newspaper. It's one of those things you can skip because, like, because the thing was cancelled, the gig she went to see. They were meant to go

see a concert. It's in the newspaper, it's one of those things you can skip because like the football thing it's a bit of a red herring. What about the Fisher brothers? There is another

moment here possibly. Yeah. It looks like Joseph Bremer fired somebody as his personal driver. So Heinrich Katz who's got three children

who can't afford to pay their education now that Joseph fired him. Joseph, Joseph, Joseph. Oh, well, Joseph, Joseph. Just the perfect fit for the toilet. I've noticed with the weather turning colder the last few days, the frequency with which I need to do it

has gone up. I'm just trying to feel it. Because of cold. Sorry. Because of what? When it's cold. PP, PP. What about your poo-poos?

Have the pop cheats gone off? No, that hasn't been affected. The pops remain constant. Of course they are. Of course they are. All that bloody cheese. The temperature doesn't affect that, Paul. I don't know.

You don't want to be associated with cheese. I thought like a barometer, you'd poo more when it gets more close. Why am I being associated with cheese and not being a huge cocksmith? When I was at boarding school, which I'm trying to push that. So you were a cocksmith. Hang on. Just saying being a huge cocksmith? When I was at boarding school, which I'm trying to push that. So you were a cocksmith.

Hang on. Just saying you were a cocksmith at boarding school. He was like Danny from Greece. Yeah. Shit at sports, great at fucking. He goes to a different school. It's a cheese one. That's why you got nearly a coke. You went around calling yourself a cocksmith.

No, I didn't. You didn't even know what a cocksmith was. I had to go to therapy because of that. Right, right. Did you? You didn't have to volunteer any of this information. I'm fine with it. We were fine with the cheese.

We might not solve the murder, but we heard a lot about Eli's life today. I had to go to therapy as part of my contract to stay in the school. Did they call it Thera-Brie? No, I need to emphasise this, Chris. The school was not cheese-based. Too late, though. It was vegetarian.

We know this, but we know that. I heard my name on my thought I did, actually. It's called St Christopher's, so think of a cheese one for that. St Christopher's School of Cheese, Paul. St Crispy Bread you have with cheese. So it's a mixed school, right? You didn't have to go to another school bread you have with cheese. Some cheese to put. So it's a mixed school. Right. You didn't have to go to another school.

Salt and hard cheese. I didn't have to go to another school. He didn't have to look through the chain link fence of another school and go, hey girls, it's me. Where did your school stand? The incident that led to the pregnancy actually happened in Camden Town. It led to the baby bell. What? The baby bell.

No, that's it. Baby bell. They're just funny Bell. No, that's it. In Camden. Baby Bell. They're just funny, aren't they? By themselves. Baby Bells. I like Baby Bells. Oh, I thought you meant this.

Yeah. Oh, you two are funny as well, yeah. Yeah, he's just funny by himself. Camden Bird Town. When he plays these games alone. Camden Bird Town. Camden Bird Town. Where were you?

Where were you in Camden Town? Do you know, are you familiar with Camden? Yeah, man, of course. I'm an emo kid. So do you know Bayham Street, which is the one that is parallel with the high road? Gotcha, yeah, yeah. Basically, the buses come...

I do know! You haven't got me. I do know. I'm trying to... Just round there, basically. Come on, Elo, tell me exactly where your child was conceived. We were on holiday when it happened. In Camden?

Yeah. No, I mean, we were just on holiday. Mate, well, that's what happens if you don't have sex carefully. I've got a list now. I'm set for the night. Can you block out her name, by the way? Have you said it? I'm not saying her name again.

Who did this murder? This wasn't meant to be like this, this podcast. Can you tell us what the story is? Because, look, I've got all these pictures of mad guys. Look at these. He looks criminal. He does, doesn't he? Is that the driver?

The victim sacked his personal driver, by the way. Is that a picture? Who's that a picture of? Whose name is? Is that the driver? The name of the guy that was sacked was called Heinrich Katz. Oh, well, that's neither of these, because this is Ears Fisher and Lends Fisher.

Well, I'll tell you what, we've been courting for an hour, right? So I'm just going to put it out there. Based on what you've heard, right, who do you think the murderer is? I'll ask you all each, and I'll give you a point. You'll ask us all each? Who do you think the murderer is? You'll ask each of us? I'll ask each of you all each.

Each of us. I'll all of each ask of you each that who was the murderer, right? And then the closest will get this lovely gin and diet tonic drink as a prize. Wow. I'd have to spend a whole 90 pence to get that. Cheap Show is the only podcast you wish you went home empty-handed with. Right. So I'll tell you what, we'll start with Suze.

Suze, who do you think the murderer is? Or how the death happened? I think that it wasn't meant to be that guy that died. I think that someone else was meant to be in that house when it got set fire to. And I think it was the chick who went on the flight. So you think it was Frida?

Ah, did we figure it out? It was meant to be her I think she was meant to burn but they got Joseph Fritzl instead of Innocent Man oh okay

I think she did it oh you both think she no no Seuss thinks that she was the intended victim

yeah I do oh but who was the murderer who do you think did it oh someone else

I think it was I think it was, I think it was whoever, I think it was someone that, like, she was in love with the guy who's dead.

So they were the affair people. Oh, okay. There's someone called Frida. There's Frida, grandma. So that means though, you think,

that means you think Joseph did it. No, I don't. Oh, okay. And Frida wasn't on the flight. Joseph is the victim. So I think, I think, I don't. Oh, okay. And Frieda wasn't on the flight. Joseph is the victim. So I think, I think, I don't know. I thought I had an answer.

Right, good answer. I like doing the stuff about cheese. There was Lucas Bremer, but we know he didn't do it. He didn't do it. And we know it wasn't Walter, so it was either Brathouse Fisher. What was that name? Fisher. Ah.

Fisher Brothers. The Fisher Brothers. They're those two. They like the O'Driscolls in Only Fools and Horses So it's either the Fisher Brothers or it's Frieda or it's Heinrich

What about Alma? Yeah, what about Alma? No, we know that's not her How do we know that? I thought it was her I'm just skipping to it, mate Come on, work with me

I'm now in the field Who do you think, listeners? Come on, Chris Shout out Wow, you think that person I mean, having not looked at all of the bits. We've looked at about a third of the episode. Judging by the one third of the game we've played,

that took us an hour to do. I'm guessing at Frida. Okay, Frida. And then Eli, who do you think? I think it's Frida as well. You all think it's Frida? We all do, don't we? Yeah?

I don't know. Well, I'll tell you now. I'll reveal. Go on. The murderer. Da, da, da, da. Da, da, da, da. I have the little grey cells in my head

that have been percolating with the thoughts of the crime. This intricate, detailed punchy book of a mystery. Mexican fella. Yeah, more Mexican puyro. Mexican puyro. Puyro? What's your off your nuts? That's a pen.

Mexican puyro. That's the type of pen. Or Mexican Colombo. Just Juan Marthing. Oh, Jesus Christ. Chris, don't laugh at that. I didn't laugh at that. I laughed at his little face when he did it. The nuance of my face. I don't like it when

Chris is polite to people just for the sake of it. Okay, here we go. Here is the answer. So, Joseph's medical report indicated he was suffering from an iron deficiency anemia. And it made him catch fire. He did not know that as the analysis results did not arrive until after his death. An anemia patient can lose consciousness in case of an insufficient oxygen concentration supply in the air. All this indicates that Joseph, being sensitive to the oxygen concentration, fainted

during the fire and remained unconscious when he died. All the characters in this story had motives for the crime, but only Joseph had no alibi and apparently tried to set his own house on fire to claim insurance money to pay his debts. However, he did not know the severity of his illness, lost consciousness and subsequently died in the fire. So Joseph killed himself by accident. Do you know what? Even if I'd played that all the way through, I'd have been like...

Yeah, that's like such a bullshit cop-out. I would have agreed. If I'd have been working so hard and found that... No one is a criminal. Everyone's horrible, but no one's a murderer. Fuck this game. So why did the little girl's mum stink of petrol

and who the fuck is Mitzi? Yeah. I love Mitzi. Where's the explanation for that? She smells of candy. Maybe she was just really into huffing petrol. is the daughter of the second wife.

Oh. So possibly, maybe even Joseph himself. Oh, God. Or maybe the kid doesn't know what booze smells like compared to petrol. Or maybe none of them

are fucking real. Maybe none of this is real. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm going to have to report this. This is all going to the police Scotland Yard files. Oh, God. I'll have to say. Well, it's a good job we solved it.

Yeah, it's a good job we solved it. And without any assistance. Or giving up after an hour. Let's tidy up because he might want to use this again. I might actually have to give this back to a charity shop. Well, there you go. All right, wonderful. In that case, I'm going to say,

I'm actually going to say if I had to pick a winner, I would say it would probably be Suze. Why? Because A, you didn't pick anyone, so that means the space is void. Yeah, I just didn't know. But also, you realise that she was meant to be the victim or whatever and she wasn't meant to be there

and he was and blah, blah, blah. That's a more interesting story than the actual story. Which was like man fainted, died in own house. Yeah. Fuck off this game. Everyone's telling everyone to fuck off. Chris told me to fuck off just now. All right.

I think that's been building up for five years. Well, look, thankfully we can now close the case. It's because you don't ignore his stories about good, good, good. I don't ignore them, I encourage them. I love hearing about him. Can we hear another

little thing about Adam Goose? Do the one about when he didn't finish his name. Come on, let's hear it. I like this. It's really funny.

When does this become an audience? Chris is like a jukebox or a good box. Do that one, it's really funny. You know when you... I don't know whether they had this at your cheese school.

Stop calling it that. Did you have little cheese pens? But you know when you had to do a bit of display work on sugar paper and then it would go up on the wall? Yes. So Adam Good was very proud of the one he'd done and he was just writing his name at the bottom by Adam. And he got halfway through his surname and the bell went so he just don't tools and then

went to play so it went up on the wall as Adam goo and from there because he had a really funny run like he was vertical. That's probably very aerodynamic. And then when he built up speed, he'd sort of like that. By the way, it's an audio format, so he's moving his arms very quickly and at a bracer speed. Like he's playing maracas or something. Yeah, like he's Bez. And so what...

Bez? He ran like Bez. Nice callback, yeah. Yeah, great. And what some nasty kids used to do was they'd wait for him around a corner Like he's Bez. Bez? You ran like Bez. Nice callback, yeah. Yeah, great. And what some nasty kids used to do was they'd wait for him around a corner and then just as he was about to turn, they'd jump out and they'd go,

one, two, three, pursue the goo, and then do one step. What? And then he would run off thinking they were chasing him. He was a victim of bullying. What was I going to say? You, you're part of this. All we've learned tonight is that you've been propagating this bullying.

Eli would have made friends with him and then fucked him. What I will say is that, yes, that was awful, and I never took part in Pursue the Goo. You love it. Have you ever formally said sorry to him? Why would I say sorry when I didn't do it? I'm just saying maybe on behalf of... Chris, please.

On behalf of, you know, his childhood, maybe you should apologise, and recounting these stories to your own entertainment. One day, Chris... Her entertainment. Chris makes him jump through posters. One day, Chris, one day, Chris. Her entertainment. Chris makes him jump through posters. One day, Chris,

a good wife or whatever will call you up and go, you know, he's not going to get married. Then you'll be guilty. Oh, yeah. I don't think he's going to get married.

And then there'll be a podcast series. I don't know. I don't know. Would he be interested in pups? A petite, loud woman?

Possibly. We've made a match here today. That's why I like hearing about him. I think we've caused all kinds of problems. I was friends with Adam Good because I was also a bullet. Chris got hung on a coat peg. That's why we were friends.

Chris got hung on a coat peg, like a cliché. Oh yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, he was worse, so that's why. All right, well, I think it's time to close this case. Inspector Spoff. A touch of Spoff.

That's what I'm going to call your detective show. A touch of Spoff. This is one of the least disgusting. New York hip-hop style hats. Thank you. No, it's a touch of Spoff, mate. Did you get that in a charity shop?

I did. I thought it... Charity shops are good for hats, right? Did you get that in a charity shop? I did. I thought it... Charity shops are good for hats, right? Did you get it for... I think these are about 50 quid, Lou. Yeah, I was going to say, they are spenny. Oh, no, good deal. Is it wool blend?

Yes. It's got a nice... It's a nice hat, everyone, all right? It is, actually. I think it is a nice hat. This has got the same hat. It's just a bit... I've got a similar shape hat.

You do look like an extra from the bill. It is, and it is a bit like... Didn't Justin Timberlake do this hat back in 2004? He did did a lot of things in his youth he had a lot of this i like how you tried to deflect and say that you look like justin rather than tosh from the bill i take time i didn't say tosh but that's exactly what i was referring to from the bill worked a lot and not just on the bill he was in all sorts of films you call him spa Sparfon. He's brilliant. He's a brilliant actor. He's very much Al Merrill Street. He died, didn't he? And then it sent Curly from Coronation Street mental, yeah.

Did it? Yeah. Does no one remember this? No. Because someone ran up to Curly and went, Tosh, he's dead. You know Tosh? Dead. Tosh.

Tosh. They were mates in real life. Right. And then he died suddenly. In real life it made him go... Yeah. And then Curly from Coronation Street had a bit of a breakdown. It twisted his melon.

And he lived two more weeks and he died just like In real life, it made him go... Yeah, and then Curly from Coronation Street had a bit of a breakdown, yeah. And he lived two more weeks and he died, just like old people when they lived together for so long. You know what film Tosh could have easily turned up in? What? Dangerous Davis. Oh! What's Dangerous Davis?

Well, you can't do it on your podcast, all right? The last detective, Dangerous Davis. Oh, shit. He's our secret. Dangerous Davis was the last detective. Yes. But before that incarnation what the fuck

are you talking about there was a TV film made 10 years before no 81 with Cribbins in the Dangerous Davis role oh that sounds amazing it's on YouTube

next week we're going to do our pilgrimage to the Dangerous Davis we're going to do what's got Maureen Lippman in doing sexy Jewish sort of spinster

when she was young she was absolutely firing hot in that film Maureen Lippman in. Doing sexy Jewish sort of spinster. She was young. She was absolutely firing hot in that film. She was gorgeous. Maureen Lippman and Bernard Cribbins. Gorgeous. He was a bit too into that. She was absolutely firing hot. I fancy young Maureen Lippman.

That's perfectly healthy. He was like, oh, I'd get her pregnant. Yeah. Every time the BT ads came on, he had to stroke it. No, no. That's middle-aged Maureen Lippman. It was an eye-opener to see young Maureen Lippman in this film. When he sees her middle-aged, he has to put his cheese to one side.

Cheese does not get involved in the bedroom in any way. Cheese stays in the kitchen. In the kitchen, the sexiest room of the house. And when you come, you go, Eh, damn, that's good sex. Eh, damn, that's good sex. Eh, damn, that's good sex. And it's like Philadelphia water. You know what?

Philadelphia water. You know, when Philadelphia separates. You know what, I think it's time to wrap the show up. Sorry, mum. My mum will listen to this and she'll be like, this is disgusting. Oh, that's the best bit of the show so far. And that's it. That's Cheap Show for another week.

Thank you for listening, enjoying. Suze, Simon... Simon. Simon. Simon Stokes. This is just like goo. Pursue the goo all over again. There was a Simon Stokes. I have no idea where Simon's come from. There was a Simon Stokes. I have no idea where Simon's come from.

There was a Simon Stokes. Who's that? Simon Stokes at school was a little swat and he used to... There's a lot of hang-ups you've got about your school days, I've realised. His parents used to write letters to the teachers and then one time, Mr Field, the PE teacher,

thought that I was Simon Stokes and had a go at me. Simon Stokes. Oh my God, and now it's just happened again. And to think you didn't get nearly suspended from school for it. Unlike the fucking cheese bister. Unlike bloody Flash Art over here.

Right, so anyway. We've got to finish the show, haven't we? Chris, tell everyone if they haven't heard about it what your podcast is, when they can get it and all the usual social media gubbins. Go on, do the old admin. Do you listen to podcasts? You're asking me? Yeah, where do you get this one?

Is this a rhetorical question? Oh, do you not have listeners? No. They've got loads of listeners, way more than us. Do we? So can we have some? Yes.

Come on. Don't be selfish. Is this your opportunity to film some? I hope the guy that, when I appeared two years ago, who threatened never to listen again if I appeared as a guest again is listening

I decided this would be the episode to give a go he's like right I'm going back no I can't believe it I've got to burn my phone sorry I mean listen I never do our podcast shall I do it Mystery on the Rocks is a podcast

where cocktails cocktails true crime and comedians shouting combine Sometimes we talk about fucking I hope you like drinks and that and mysteries

We've solved every single one Sometimes we don't do a mystery We just talk about Charles Manson for two hours The mystery there is

How did he get so many ladies? We solve it by the end fellas We spoke about the shoe people for ten minutes. Who are the shoe people? Sh-sh-sh-shoe people.

Give me a shout when you do Ponyton Peas and that would be interesting. Were they the borrowers like that? No, they were shoes. They were shoes. They were shoes. One of the shoes is an old boot called Trampy, who's Irish.

I like that. Yeah, of course. You'd feel an affinity to that character. It's pretty bad. And Trampy, who's Irish. I like that. Yeah, of course. You'd feel an affinity to that character. It's pretty bad. And Trampy, I think, talks... He talks out of a little hole at the front of the boot. I also think that's where he shits from. Oh, like a coral.

Yeah. Their mouth is their arsehole, isn't it? Okay, well... I mean, everyone talks about save the coral. Save the coral. Don't tell them that they shit out their mouth because then it'll turn people off. No, tell you what, if I swaved as a country, I'd probably vote for them. Anyway. Yay! Save the coral. Save the coral. Don't tell them that they shit out their mouth because then it will turn people off.

No, tell you what, vast swathes of the country will probably vote for them. Anyway. I can't believe you're bringing politics into Cheap Show. I'm never listening again. Right, Mystery on the Rocks. Mystery on the Rocks, go and listen to it. It's all this plus a guy called Masoud Myles.

You'll like him. He's the cool one, yeah. He's the good guy. Masoud sometimes does impressions of his Kenyan mum. You'll like him. He's the good guy. Masood sometimes does impressions of his Kenyan mum. We're not allowed. It doesn't stop Suze. I just cut them out.

Yeah, right. I don't. Prevention's always better than cure when it comes to this stuff. Masood likes it. Sorry, Eli, you're going somewhere.

Yeah, he knows what he's going on. Well, we're done, aren't we? Do you want me to say my Twitter handle now? All right, let's do

the bit bit. Thank you. Bit bit. Let's do the bit bit. Bit bit. Bit bit. This is bit bit. Gudge. Gudge.'s do the bit bit. Thank you. Bit bit. Let's do the bit bit. Bit bit. Bit bit. This is bit bit. Gudge.

Gudge. Gudge. Bit bit. Gudge. Bit bit. Gudge. Don't try and hit me. Git, git, git, git.

Did you see my body language? It was, I'm going to strike you. It was violent. It was that. I just think the highlight for me has been the chalky water that sits on top of Philadelphia when it separates. That's what... Sniff it.

That's Eli when the moiling appears. Cheese-based sex Blah blah blah Mate you'll live to Renette that Oh no that one didn't work Fuck off all of you Right you can see pictures or videos That accompany all our episodes on our website Thecheapshow.co.uk

We have a Patreon if you can support us Go to patreon.com Forward slash cheap show Give what you can but only if you can. You've got hours and hours and hours of stuff there to investigate and enjoy. I'm on Cheap Show at the Cheap Show pod. Eli is? Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

And that's basically the gist of it. If you want to email us at thecheapshow at gmail.com and the P.O. box and all that stuff, it's on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. And that's this week's episode. What about the patrons? I've just done it. You did it.

Oh,'ve missed that I always read your Twitter handle as Ellis Noid yeah Ellis Ellis the Noid I like Ellis Noid

Eli Snow whatever works for you yeah he's a good guy he's just a laid back cheese lover he's a cheese fuck beast can we come back on

here yeah we can you know what we should do play bloody Cluedo next time no I was going to bring Cluedo Can we come back on here? Yeah, we can. Right. You know what we should do? Play bloody Cluedo next time. No. I was going to bring Cluedo,

but then I realised no one enjoys Cluedo. Next time we play a game called Q&A Eli while you drink Lambrini. Yeah. All right, that's good. Let's get Eli pissed and ask him the most personal questions we can imagine. We won't need to.

Apparently we go, what kind of cheese? He goes, God, God, Fred. Oh, I don't mind. I can't get it up sometimes. I've never said that. That's me another one. He definitely can.

And this was two cans from B&M. I can breathe from my arse. It was two B&Ms. Yeah. And he went, it's only 4%. Yeah. That Lambrini has a psychoactive effect above and beyond its alcohol content. Is that what you think?

I'm mixing them now. Oh, he's a rebel. Oh, my God. You moor and you should never mix your drinks. Oh, I'll tell you what you think? I'm mixing them now. Oh, he's a rebel. Oh, my God. You moor and you should never mix your drinks. Oh, I'll tell you what. What? No, you have to then follow it up with a sentence. Heavy weekend.

It was a heavy weekend for me. Yeah. I can't take it seriously when I'm being lectured by Tosh. How many points of brie? No brie. Brie, Philadelphia water. I've had cheese in days, actually. Yeah.

Eggs. What do you think? Now I'm just mixing it up. Why do you think cheesy got that meaning where it's, what, dirty cock? No. Oh, Paul. You know what? That's it.

We don't need that many more discussions. That's enough for a podcast. This isn't over. It is over. It is over. Your dirty, cheesy cock end is over. That's disgusting. Come on.

It's wilting like a dead lily. I'm not in trouble. The opinions of Paul Cannon are not true and don't reflect my opinions about my own hygiene. Fucking perfectly fine, everyone. Perfectly fine. See you next week, everyone. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. you