CheapShow - Ep 260: Swear Tennis

Starting point is 00:00:00 I do need my water. It's right there. Bingo. It's right... It's right there. The water's right there. I can't reach it! Don't put your cup back on the table, please.

Starting point is 00:00:11 Because it bangs. She bangs. Weird. I was thinking the exact same thing there. I was thinking, it bangs, it bangs. Oh, baby. I'll put it back and then I'll leave it. All right, hurry up.

Starting point is 00:00:21 Noisy cunt. Noisy, disrespectful cunt. Yes. I can tell disrespectful cunt. Yes. I can tell by your voice. Do you like what you see? Do you want to fuck what you see? Bingo. Bingo.

Starting point is 00:00:31 I love that. Bingo. I'm pulling a face. Hello, welcome to Cheap Cheap. How are you going to keep that in, are we? We're going to keep that in. I have no say where we start. Hey, Mr. Silverman, do you edit the podcast?

Starting point is 00:00:46 No, you don't. You never have, never will. So I decide what stays in the show anyway. I'll tell you what I say. Wide green, gaping meters. That's it, isn't it? Paul got this really good idea for a gag I'm going to use in this week's episode. Listen, listen.

Starting point is 00:01:00 The hands that do glands that wash dishes are as soft as your thumb. Mild, green, squirty, flop, flop, whatever it was. No, gaping meters. There we go. Can we start again? No, honestly, I'd like you to cut all of this. I'm being very honest with you this week, Paul. I know you're feeling under the weather.

Starting point is 00:01:20 Can I control your back? Back machine. Me tens. Hang on. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hello, welcome to the Cheap Show. My name is Paul Gannon, blah, blah, blah. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. My name is Paul Gannon. Right, you know what?

Starting point is 00:01:28 Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, that's it, is it? Yes. You threw in that? Oh, God. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go J! People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Starting point is 00:01:53 Cheap show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off. Cheap, cheap, cheap-off. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheep Show.

Starting point is 00:02:25 And a go and I nuzzle. No wonder we don't have posters in Tube stations saying, you know, we're fucking great. Can you imagine that? Grow up! Paul, I've seen the comments. You saw that comment I told you about. I want it and it made me feel like I need to grow up. A one

Starting point is 00:02:42 star review on Apple. They said it was like listening to two 13 yearyear-olds play tennis swearing. And I was like, what a great game. What is that? Swear tennis. I don't know. Let's try. Or how would it work?

Starting point is 00:02:53 I'll serve. All right. Cunt. I win! Out. An ace. Out. What do you mean out?

Starting point is 00:02:57 It went out. It wasn't in. How do you know it went out? Because it was too obvious. It was a hard lob. You didn't build to it. You overpowered your first shot. I'm serving this game, though, yeah? Yeah. You need to start off small, didn't build to it. You overpowered your first shot. I'm serving this game though, yeah?

Starting point is 00:03:05 Yeah. You need to start off small, don't you? And then work up to your cunt. Are you ready? Otherwise cunt just goes straight out. The umpire's going to fucking have a word with you if you keep trying to put me off when I'm trying to serve. All right.

Starting point is 00:03:16 So shut up. Yeah. I'm going to serve again. Does that make you the John McEnroe of swear tennis? No, it's you. You're the John McEnroe. I'm Tim Henman. No, you're fucking not. He never gave mouth to the other player. Oh, yeah. That's not what. No, it's you. You're the John McEnroe. I'm Tim Henman. No, you're fucking not.

Starting point is 00:03:25 He never gave mouth to the other player. Oh, yeah. That's not what I heard. I thank you. On Henman Hill. Yeah. Henman's Hill.

Starting point is 00:03:34 Henman's hump. No, I'll serve, though. Here we go. I'll serve. Oh, hello. Welcome to the podcast. Blah, blah, blah. Cheap podcast.

Starting point is 00:03:40 You get it. Let's just move on. I'm Eli. I'm Paul. Fuck. Clunge. Minge. move on. I'm Eli. I'm Paul. Fuck. Clunge. Minge. Spunk.

Starting point is 00:03:47 This is now... How does this go? How does the game go? We don't know. We're up shit creek without a paddle. Out. Why? That was out.

Starting point is 00:03:58 Oh, that was the umpire. He said it. Hello, I'm Jimmy umpire. No, he's not. Now, so, what piece of the housework have you done? I'm Eli Silverman. You're Paul Gannon. This is a cheap show.

Starting point is 00:04:11 This is a podcast. This is a cheap show podcast. It's about cheap things. Where we go around the world, around Britain, looking through stuff, going scrummaging. All around the world, same tat. Anyway, I'm in agony. I'm in agony. Three weeks into my back pain now and my doctor

Starting point is 00:04:27 went i'll be fine i went it's not fine and he goes oh have you got diabetes then instead i was like can i talk about me back anyway long story short i bought this 10 do you know paul it's funny because it kind of mirrors what happened to me when i had a serious back injury back when i was in university yeah because i it happened suddenly because i think i was like a sports injury and i could i was doubled over i couldn't walk with the pain in my lower back yeah and i went to see the doctor sort of campus doctor and it was the nurse was the only person who could see me because the gp wasn't available right and she said it's probably like a kidney infection okay that's see what i mean yeah but that's what he's kind of saying maybe it's something else maybe it's all it's not it's my back I know

Starting point is 00:05:05 and then it did sort of subside the pain but then it came back a year later and I couldn't walk and I couldn't lift my heel properly and walk

Starting point is 00:05:12 and the pain was in my leg because the nerve was so damaged from the prolapsed dicks dicks ooh a prolapsed dick I'm going to turn

Starting point is 00:05:21 the heating off I'm overheating can't you just wait until we get to the first so what's this machine I can zap your back put it on your helmet put overheating. Can't you just wait until we get to the first? So what's this machine? I can zap you back. No. Put it on your helmet.

Starting point is 00:05:27 Put it on your helmet. Have you tried machine? I got it online. I got it on. Have you tried putting it on your dick? Oh, no. Why not?

Starting point is 00:05:33 It's a really bad idea. I'll try it. No, mate, you don't. Clean it off. I will clean it afterwards. It's not about cleaning it off. You won't get smeg on it. It's not about that.

Starting point is 00:05:41 It's about me putting the electrodes on your cock, turning it up full whack and you never being able to walk again it's it's generally quite a powerful pulse yeah so i only have this on medium and it really feels like i've got these hard hands pressing down on my back a tens machine basically is something you attach to your back and it sends what is it hard hands yeah they're calloused who's the owner of these hard calloused deep strong hands on my back

Starting point is 00:06:07 so I'm setting it now oh I see so it feels like a massage sort of action yeah a deep massage because the electrodes zap you

Starting point is 00:06:14 and it makes the muscles feel like they're being moved around so I'm just going to put it on like the first setting which is like an overall rub and push

Starting point is 00:06:19 rather than tug and I'm going to put it for 10 minutes I'm turning the heating down no you do it with the brake and now I'm going to turn it for 10 minutes I'm turning the heating down no you do it with the brake and now I'm going to turn oh

Starting point is 00:06:27 right I've turned it up to four right now for the B setting which is the other side of my back oh god oh it's on four setting now for anyone

Starting point is 00:06:37 who's listening who might be expecting fucking hell which setting are you on the highest no less than half alright I don't know if I want to give you it.

Starting point is 00:06:46 I don't know if I can trust you with it. I'm not going to fucking do that. Oh, God. It comes in waves, does it? Yeah, it's like I'm having hands doing this right now. Can I just address the listenership, please? Yeah, please do. I'll just slide back and enjoy this.

Starting point is 00:07:00 Now, I know some of you who are more attentive to our activities on social media and our announcements. Stop clicking that, please. You're putting me off. Social media and so forth. And, you know, aware... What are you talking about? Get on with it.

Starting point is 00:07:15 Shut up! Get on with it. I will fucking... I will grab that TENS box and I'll put it in the mains. And then we'll see what fucking happens to your back. It would just be powered the same way. I'll stick it in the mains. I it would see what fucking happens to your back it would just be powered the same way so stick it in the mains i would still have to put it on full whack here it just wouldn't suddenly become more powerful because you plugged it into the wall no you know nothing about fucking anything oh fuck you you clumsy twat just shut up you're

Starting point is 00:07:37 allowing me to do it now some of you if you've been listening to paul prattle on social media will have picked up on the fact, or be expecting rather, that we would be out and about for this week's episode. Because Paul, I believe you did say. We did plan on this week's episode being our final out and about of the year. But. But. I can't walk.

Starting point is 00:07:58 It's really odd. Paul unfortunately is having some real problem with pain in the lumbar region of his back. Paul, people don't like it when you sing. I'm not singing. And already, someone said, as well as the comment about us needing to grow up, there's that one about you singing, which I don't think, you know.

Starting point is 00:08:11 When Paul sings, they're my least favourite episodes. I think the person said that when you sing, they don't listen to those episodes. Good. But it's every fucking episode, mate. Oh, show me heaven. Oh, please. Oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 00:08:27 Go on, do your little speech. Is that it? I'm just saying, we're not out and about because you hurt your back, man. Yeah. And I hope it gets better. I'm trying to be fucking supportive.

Starting point is 00:08:34 But we will be postponing this till a later date, maybe early in the new year. It is going to be a special episode. It's a passion project for us. We're very, I mean, it's meant to be celebrating

Starting point is 00:08:43 the anniversary of this delightful film. Well, it is the first walk that we've done which is associated with a film. Yes. So it's a little,

Starting point is 00:08:50 something a little new. We really were both excited about bringing it to you guys. Yeah. And also the weather is grotesquely bad,

Starting point is 00:08:57 but it's mainly your back. Miserable shit weather, grim. And I don't mind going out and about in the rain. Give me a bit of

Starting point is 00:09:02 rain. I don't mind it, but I can't face it. But it's really, it's like bitterly cold with the wind blowing the rain into you. Do you know what I mean? It's not just wet.

Starting point is 00:09:10 Just wet I can deal with as well, but it's like, it's that combo. It's that combo of being in pain and having rain driven into my skin. Yeah. Yeah. So don't worry, everyone. Don't worry.

Starting point is 00:09:22 Don't panic, Mr. Man-Wearing. We have a fully packed episode of Cheap Show for you guys today. And Paul, perhaps you'd like to tell us what we've got coming up on the show. Coming up on the show. Coming up on the show today. This week on the Economy Comedy Podcast, we are going to be having a quick test right now of some crisps Eli's been keen to show off. And we are also going...

Starting point is 00:09:44 Are you going to cough? No, I said are you keen to show off and we are also going you're gonna cough no I said you gotta fuck off and then we're gonna funny it is and then we've got a tells from the shop floor because as I stated I'm more than happy to read them out when they come along and they're worthy then they will be spoken of and then we're gonna do a little mini

Starting point is 00:10:02 off-brand brand off at the end and I believe we have on the phone in a secret location, Richard Brandoff. Have you got in touch with him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't he hanging out with biscuits in a shed somewhere? I don't know. I mean, they seem to be doing alright. I get letters from them every now and then. I get things in the

Starting point is 00:10:17 PO box, which you can still send things to us if you want to, the PO box. He sent us a little box, and in it was like an egg timer and a letter that said, put this on a shelf. I don't know what that means. And it's from him.

Starting point is 00:10:33 Jimmy and Richie, it said. Put this on the shelf, an egg timer. And I was like, I don't know. I don't understand what that means. I don't know if Brandoff would ever sign his name Richie. No, I know. That's something that you... It's weird.

Starting point is 00:10:42 I don't know. Anyway. Anyway, that wasn't very funny. It's weird. I don't know. Anyway. Anyway, that wasn't very funny. Don't stop. Stop commenting. Now, Paul, I'm going to give you this once-in-a-lifetime

Starting point is 00:10:51 opportunity. Yes. If you would like to start the whole podcast again right now, because we have been a bit flat. We have been

Starting point is 00:10:59 seriously flat. They can't all be like gold, can they? Podcasts are like sketch shows. Week to week, one might be better than the other. One might discover magic. One might be just a good old half an hour or so with your good old chums.

Starting point is 00:11:12 So that's it, isn't it? It's that, that, and Brandoff. And I've got that thing. Widening. Widening. Meters. Gaping meters. My widening gaping metus.

Starting point is 00:11:26 My wide green... Mate, just stop saying it, because it wasn't that funny at the start, and it's not getting any funnier when you keep saying it. What makes my hair so soft and flowery? What makes my hair... Oh, Mum, why are your hair so soft and flowery? It's your father's widened meters. That makes no sense, does it?

Starting point is 00:11:54 You've got a choice now. You can... I'm turning this off. I fucking can't be dealing with this. Turn your tens off. Mum, why are your hands so... Oh, God, that's a bit too much. Did you turn it up?

Starting point is 00:12:04 A little bit too much. Oh, Mum, why are your hands so... Oh, God, that's a bit too much. Did you turn it up? A little bit too much. Oh, Mum, why are your hands so soft and fluffy? Well, darling, it's just that I stick them into your father's gaping meters. That makes no sense. Stop it. He's got fucking a softening ability inside the flesh walls of his mad, mad wide meters. flesh walls of his mad, mad wide meters. Oh, he needs a fucking,

Starting point is 00:12:29 he needs a fucking, what are they called? Right, you have a choice. You can either keep doing this fucking shit or you can get your crisps out. He needs a vice. You either pick one or the other otherwise I'm dropping it both.

Starting point is 00:12:38 Look, shut up. Come on. Fuck you. Turn your phone off. I'm having not, you're getting right on my wick now. Listen. What?

Starting point is 00:12:44 Crisp insert. Well, get your crisps out. What is this? Lays? It's a You're getting right on my wick now. Listen. What? Crisp insert. Well, get your crisps out. What is this? Lays... It's a crisp that you dumped on me and it's been fucking... Like two years ago. And now you want to eat them.

Starting point is 00:12:53 And said we'll do these at some point. And now you want to eat them. And they've been sitting there, fucking sitting in my fucking hallway, you know, forever. So... Mate, I've seen your bedroom. One bag of crisps on a shelf

Starting point is 00:13:04 is nothing compared to the hellscape that is your living quarters. The house of pickles is a protected ecosystem. The house of pickles is quickly becoming an actual hazard to your health. Well, I need the biodiversity of this planet is at stake, Paul. Mate, your room looks like shit Mars. It's just fucking grot everywhere. It looks like someone made a sci-fi set of a moon base out of shit, out of clothes and shit. There's cultures in there.

Starting point is 00:13:32 Yes, there is. In your clothes and shit. There's not... Listen, can we just... Joking aside... I would love to see if there's an actual shit in there. You think there's an actual shit in there? I'm not going to take this from you.

Starting point is 00:13:44 No, I'd love to see. I'll take a certain amount. I'd like to see. I will take a certain... Scientists, go into your room with a swab and do a couple of surface tests of your bedsheets, of the table, of the floor, of the clothes. Do the black light. They should get a black light in there.

Starting point is 00:13:56 Mate, if they get a black light... They'll be blinded. It would be like the end of fucking 2010. It would be the... Oh my God, it's full of stars. It would be the Studio 54 of fucking spunk. It would just be a glitterano of spoff. Didn't you like my thing about 2010, though?

Starting point is 00:14:11 Yeah, I did. Oh my God, it's full of stars. That's what he'd say, you know. Anyway, these are Lay's biggest... Instead of the space baby at the end, it's one big, giant, wobbly spoff. One fucking globulous spunk. One big spermatoid. Oh, it's one big giant wobbly spoth. Globular fucking globular spunk. One big spermatoid.

Starting point is 00:14:26 Oh, it's the space spunk gob. Now, these are... My old man lying in bed reaching out towards a great big sauce packet. Now, these are... 2000 and spoth. A spoth spoffity. Spoth spoffity, spoth, spoth spoffity. These crisps, Paul, are lays's, which are Walker's in this country

Starting point is 00:14:49 and are probably, I'd say, the largest manufacturer of potato chips. The Disney of crisps. This is funny. The Hasbro of snacks. It has this strip on it, which is a separate sort of strip running down of plastic with copy on that's running outside of the main packet you can see photos of this uh outside the packet yeah have you ever seen that before i have but i think they were for like vouchers or things you could tear off to buy yes i think that's what these are

Starting point is 00:15:16 yeah they put vouchers out but i just think that's no it's interesting it's not to me this reminds me of from collecting vinyl japanese vinyls have this thing called an obi strip. Have you seen these? And that's a bit like that, isn't it? In a similar design, like another piece of packaging outside. This would be an obi crisp. I think we should start referring to these as obi crisp strips. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:37 These are mushroom-flavoured crisps, Paul. Mate, just stop. Oh, it's got... I've had my 10-minute session. Right, I'm going to... Stop it now. No, I'm going to actually put it onto another setting now. I'm going to... They do one called cupping,

Starting point is 00:15:47 which gives you a feeling of being cupped on the back. No, that means bleeding. That means sucking the flesh up into a vacuum until it bleeds. But there's also a tie setting, so I'll try tie setting. No, try cupping. Put the cupping on full.

Starting point is 00:16:00 I want to see you bleed. Right, I've put the cupping on. Here we go. Oh, I've not tried this setting. Oh. Hang on. Oh. Oh, hang on.

Starting point is 00:16:11 I don't know what's going on. This is cupping. It feels like someone's putting their fist in my back and then someone else is pinching me. No, I'm not doing this. I told you that would be painful. No, I told you. Have you ever seen those, like, you get those outside sort of...

Starting point is 00:16:23 Oh, mate, let's wrap this up. Shut up. Outside massage parlours those outside... Oh, mate, let's wrap this up. Shut up. Outside massage parlours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen the cupping advertised? Yeah. You've seen that? Yeah. And it's painful shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's olden days medicine, that is. Wild mushroom and

Starting point is 00:16:37 sour cream. Interesting. Now, what's the off-by-sell date? Because otherwise, I'm not eating them, and this segment is quickly ended. It's only like two or three months out of date right go on come on

Starting point is 00:16:47 we have to come on please mushroom and cream cheese what is it mushroom and what sour cream right open it

Starting point is 00:16:56 come on hurry up shut up this is a big moment for me have you ever tasted no huffing have you ever tasted

Starting point is 00:17:02 no mushroom flavoured crisp before no really I haven't he's having a huffing. Have you ever tasted mushroom flavoured crisp before? No. Really? I haven't. He's having a huff now, ladies and gentlemen. He's going in. A deep huff. What senses are you getting? I'm getting a smell of mushrooms. Right. What kind of

Starting point is 00:17:16 mushrooms though? It's a slightly stale smell from probably the out-of-date ness. Great, the grotty fog of it. Like mushroom soup. Have you had mushroom soup and it has that sort of smell to it? You tell me what you think, Paul. A cream of mushroom soup kind of scent. Definitely. A cream of mushroom soup. Have you had mushroom soup and it has that sort of smell to it? You tell me what you think, Paul. It's a cream of mushroom soup kind of scent. Definitely. A cream of mushroom soup sort of smell. Do you know what I mean? I'll be honest, I can

Starting point is 00:17:32 just smell potato. Is it just the stale potato overwhelming that for you? Maybe. It's quite subtle. Don't reach. No, it's not that. It's like this machine. They look just like normal crisps. They haven't got any colouring or anything.

Starting point is 00:17:48 Right, here we go. No, they just look like crisps. Not the mood for this. Oh, God. I mean, oh, God. What's wrong with him? I like him. No, I don't like it.

Starting point is 00:17:59 Very, very much. You get a mushroom up front, and then the aftertaste is the sour cream, isn't it? Yeah, the sour cream's more of a mouthfeel. I don't like it. Ohel i don't like it oh i don't like it i don't like it at all i find it unsettling to me that really is reminiscent about of the taste of like a cream of mushroom soup yeah you're right it's there but i don't like the upfront punch of the kind of multi mushroom earthy mushroom yeah and then the kind of twang of the sour cream at the end it's quite well balanced uh it's not for me i wouldn't go for a whole they at the end. I think it's quite well balanced. It's not for me. I wouldn't go for a whole...

Starting point is 00:18:25 They're not delicious, but I think it's quite nice. They're not more-ish for me at all. I might add a couple more. It's almost like a kind of cheddar cheesy thing going on as well. Not for me. Well, that was worth it.

Starting point is 00:18:36 How many? How many what? What grade would you give it if that was an exam? If I was being objective and you like this kind of thing, I'd probably say a B. But personally speaking, I'm giving that a C minus.

Starting point is 00:18:48 I like that. What are you giving it then? I'll give it 3.5 out of 5. Great stuff. Well, what a thrilling start to Cheap Show this week. Quite a good amount of amplitude. Yeah? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:00 Amplitude. Trademark Eli Silverman. No, you can't trademark Eli Silverman. No, you can't. I mean, you couldemark Eli Silverman No you can't trademark Eli Silverman No you can Trade You can't I mean you could trade Eli Silverman

Starting point is 00:19:08 What if I had a wrestling career And I was Amplitude The masked Amplitude Oh okay yeah What would your catchphrase be All the ties come together No I tell you what

Starting point is 00:19:16 Amplitude would be Your catchphrase Wouldn't it Like You'd come on Da da da da da da You come down You get on

Starting point is 00:19:22 You take your thing off And your name would have to be Something like The Tastemaker or something Right Then I go Amplitude Super Taster you come down you get on you take your thing on and your name would have to be something like the tastemaker or something right then I go amplitude super taster

Starting point is 00:19:29 super taster and you come on super taster and then you give a clothesline and he goes that one had some amplitude to it well Jimmy Biscuits is playing him in your head

Starting point is 00:19:37 no I just can only do one voice yeah you can can't you Eli Silverman professional wrestler I'd be up for that so come on let's work this

Starting point is 00:19:43 what would your name be? Well, the super taster. The grotty taster. The super taster. The grotty taster. Not grotty. Why am I grotty? Why am I associated with filth and grot and bad personal hygiene?

Starting point is 00:19:54 Just because my room is a bit un-messy. A bit messy. Just a bit untidy, essentially. You know, and you were suggesting earlier that there's actual poo in my room. Can I just make it clear? I'm saying I'd be interested to see what a scientist would discover in your room. There was no actual pieces of shit in my room. You don't know that.

Starting point is 00:20:09 I know that. You don't because you fart a lot in your room, and you spray poo particles about the place. There's particles of poo, Paul, and there's pieces of poo. So you are agreeing with me that there's a good chance they might find defecation. There's a spectrum. There's a spectrum. And you're in.

Starting point is 00:20:22 Your penis dribbles. You dip dabs on your bed. There's a thin layer of penis dribbles all over you. And all over everyone. All the time. I have a clothes peg on the end of mine, so it's dripless. Oh, that does not... It doesn't matter.

Starting point is 00:20:33 You've had pee on you at one point. And everything... You know, some of the molecules that you're breathing out of your breath right now were in Hitler's piss. What does that even mean? It means... That air you're breathing was once Jesus' air. It was.

Starting point is 00:20:48 It wasn't. Yes, it was. I refuse to believe I've shared the air with Jesus. It's statistical. It's because there's only a limited amount of actual molecules on the planet.

Starting point is 00:20:56 God. We were talking about your wrestling career and now you're talking about sharing Jesus' breath. Well, at the end, that's the pitch. I'm the good guy, right?

Starting point is 00:21:04 I'm the hero. What do they call them in? The heel is the baddie. You're a heel. You'd at the end. That's the pitch. I'm the good guy, right? I'm the hero. What do they call him in? The heel is the baddie. You're a heel. You'd be the heel. I would not be the fucking heel. Of course you are. Look at you.

Starting point is 00:21:12 Look at you. You're the heel. I'm not the heel. Yeah. Why would people... Because of your beard. You'd have to shave your beard if you wanted to be the good guy.

Starting point is 00:21:20 I'd shave my beard. Oh, then you can be a good guy. Thank you. I could be the heel because I'd have to be an underdog because of my physical size. Hey, how about we call you the underdog?

Starting point is 00:21:29 No, that's unoriginal. It is. The smelly underdog. No, no. The wide green gaping meters. It's the gaping meters, everyone. But, Matthew,

Starting point is 00:21:39 why are your hands always so soft and fresh? That's your wrestling character, isn't it? You come on dressed as a little baby boy. Those kids used to annoy me so much in those fairy ads. So much. The cutesiness of those kids. They're very...

Starting point is 00:21:59 They're very... Why... Why are your hands always so fresh? Right, bye everyone That segment is well and truly over Right, I've got ten minutes more left on this TENS machine And it's on half whack Yeah, but you've been fiddling around with the settings

Starting point is 00:22:17 It's probably I've turned it off You've fiddled around with all the settings though, Paul I haven't You meant to leave it alone and let it go through one cycle No, I did one cycle on ten minutes Now I'm on a second cycle you're doing two cycles what's the limit how many cycles can you push this you can add this on for an hour or so how hard can you push this baby i don't know how far can we go with this baby i'm literally how many talks can we push

Starting point is 00:22:36 this baby to how hard can we get this horse to gallop i'm actually quite i i'm i'm very afraid to turn any higher than the pain is it it's helping with the pain as we speak. It does. It weirdly does. Paul, how high can we get this baby? It's time for tales from the shop floor, mate. Yeah. Right.

Starting point is 00:22:56 Here we go. We haven't heard of these in a while. If you haven't heard this segment before, dear, dear listeners. Yes. This is where you send in your stories maybe you've worked in a shop charity shops is what it started with and something happened you know something disgusting in recent months paul has grown tired and depressed of the endless cavalcade of incontinent homeless people yeah i don't shitting themselves in yeah i don't want to be rural settings around

Starting point is 00:23:23 britain so paul you found one that lifted your spirits. Would you say that? Would you go that far with this? Well, let me just say... An upbeat tale from the shop floor? Well, let me just say that this is a true crime-based tale from Adam, who has sent an email to us before in the past. I believe...

Starting point is 00:23:39 No, I've got to turn it down. Turn it off, you idiot. It's nice. It's just every now and then it does this one move and it's... Anyway, I am hard. Oh, does it... Has it tickled your prostate? It's actually...

Starting point is 00:23:53 Has it tickled your prostate? Give me a little bit of a little chubby monster. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You've got a chub on. You've got a little bit of a chub on. What about your chubs? Nothing.

Starting point is 00:24:01 Are you rubbing your chubs? No. I bet your chbs get all... What are my chebs? What are my chebs now? Everyone knows what chebs are, Paul. Yeah, and you'd like to tell me what the chebs are, because I don't know. I know everyone at home now is thinking, I know what chebs are, you idiot, Paul.

Starting point is 00:24:15 Okay, so, your chebs are your nip nips, or titties. See, I thought they were going to be my balls. No. Right, but I bet your chebs are like rough... Shut up. I've given this too much time as it is. Your chubs are like rough raw in that jumper. So here is this week's Tales from the Shop Floor.

Starting point is 00:24:34 Hey! Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor. Na, na, na, na, na. Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor. Hey, hey, hey. What is that? Tales from the Shop Floor. To the shop floor. Tales from the shop floor. Hey, hey, hey.

Starting point is 00:24:47 What is that? Tales from the shop floor. To the tune of what are you doing now? Tales from the shop floor. Tales from the shop floor. Hey, hey, hey. Good. Tales from the shop floor. Tales from the shop floor.

Starting point is 00:24:56 It's Tales from the shop floor. What is that song? I see one. Hey, hey. Na, na, na, na. Oh. Steam. Na, na, na, na.

Starting point is 00:25:02 Na, na, na, na by Steam. Hey, hey, hey. Very interesting record. Goodbye. Why? It was a, na. Oh. Na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na by Steam. Hey, hey, hey. Very interesting record. Goodbye. Why? It was a huge hit. Yeah. Was a weird sort of studio group

Starting point is 00:25:10 who wasn't really a group, just a couple of guys. Session kind of plays. Na, na, na, na by Steam. Yeah. It's one of those songs that has become part of the canon of sports stadium tunes in America.

Starting point is 00:25:22 They play, you know, like they play in extra time. They play Gary Glitter or they'll play Song 2 all those songs and I think that Caroline thing

Starting point is 00:25:30 that is football in this country sweet Caroline that started because someone just started playing that song in stadiums in America that's the only reason

Starting point is 00:25:38 that people are into that so it's one of those ones which has such an iconically catchy chorus that people can just it's na na-na-na-na. And also, it has been, I think on more than one occasion, misattributed to Lennon and McCartney.

Starting point is 00:25:52 Oh, really? Yeah, people have said on radio that's like a Beatles tune or something. You know what I mean? Even I didn't think that, and I'm stupid. No, no. Also, if you're interested in a fantastic cover version of Steam's Na Na Na, go for the Pioneers reggae cover version. It's beautiful, really soulful. Well, there you go.

Starting point is 00:26:09 Something for you to do at home if you enjoyed this segment of Conversation About Music. I hope you have. Here's the letter. Yeah, all right. This is from Adam. My first job out of school was working for Homebase, a large DIY superstore chain for those unaware.

Starting point is 00:26:23 Working over the summer before switching to weekends when i began college it was a job that lends itself well to shenanigans and dossing about you know why they can't be asked because they get paid fuck all yeah and they get treated like shit colleagues and i would often just fuck about with expanding foam wrestling in giant cardboard skip or doing donuts in the forklift truck what's that foam he's's talking about? I like the idea of squirting some foam out. You know, it's like the stuff you put to like pipes or whatever it is to like seal gaps and things. It's that kind of foam.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Yeah, but that costs money. They're wasting the company's property there. And I bet you they all do wank gags with it. Yeah, I would. I bet they go, Hey, John! Hey! Foamy, foamy!

Starting point is 00:27:00 Look what I'm doing to Adam's face. Look what I'm doing to it! I'm foaming in his gobber you probably don't want to get that in your eyes or mouth that stuff though just like spank

Starting point is 00:27:09 yeah unless you like that kind of thing look we need to appeal to a more highbrow yes and clever content kind of

Starting point is 00:27:15 although I did accidentally describe Cheap Show as a highbrow comedy good though isn't it it works why because we talk about

Starting point is 00:27:21 shit a lot it is a scatological podcast I suppose it is and with 13 yearyear-old boys swearing in a shopping centre. As someone else pointed out on Twitter, yeah, that's the Brent Cross episode. The specificity of that is

Starting point is 00:27:33 quite eye-opening. It's like this guy had to go to a lot of shopping centres and seen a lot of 13-year-olds playing swear tennis with each other. Got a very low opinion of the working classes, I believe. I think he's trying to make his tweet there or review or whatever. He's trying to make it... I'm assuming it's a guy.

Starting point is 00:27:49 Yeah, it's Toby. Okay. I'm going to guess. 1974, probably his birthday. Oh, 74. Yeah. Oh, he's a horrible old cunt. Like us.

Starting point is 00:27:58 Like me. Let's get on with this. So, on one quiet, slow Saturday afternoon, I was out in the backyard with my good friend just having a bit of a chat as we slowly threw away a bunch of old cardboard the yard was quite

Starting point is 00:28:10 wide open except for a small corner that wrapped around the back side of the building nice on the other side of the back fence was a large public park

Starting point is 00:28:18 connected to our car park out the front by a rather dark alley I've got a nice little picture now of the whole geography and that went round the side of the store yeah I've got a nice little picture now of the whole geography of the site.

Starting point is 00:28:25 And that went round the side of the store. Yeah. So you've got one alleyway on one side and a dark alleyway. Yeah, the park and a car park is connected by the alleyway. Then we heard some sounds coming from this blind spot in the corner and decided to check it out, expecting to find the warehouse guy sweeping something up. Instead, we saw a rather short guy climbing halfway up the outside racking. What do you think that means?

Starting point is 00:28:44 Racking. Fence? the short guy climbing halfway up the outside racking what do you think that means racking fence there must be some sort of racking is like what you'd store sort of stuff in so perhaps there's

Starting point is 00:28:51 a sort of you know what I mean an empty sort of shelving outdoor shelving yeah sort of racks like a rack

Starting point is 00:28:57 it's funny how he goes into a lot of description about the buildings and then he says racking you haven't told us about the racking, mate.

Starting point is 00:29:05 Well, you could have used something that we did recognise by saying a fence or a bunch of boxes. Even if it wasn't a fence, just call it that. Now I don't know where we are in the story.

Starting point is 00:29:12 We don't fucking care. It's a small man climbing up the racking. It's very Christmassy, this. He could be an elf. You think it's Santa Claus? It could be. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:20 Depending on how small. Well, let's find out. He's not small, Santa's fat. And big. And big. He's probably got a lot of circulation problem. He's not small, Sans. He's fat. And big. And big. So you're just wrong. He's probably got a circulation problem. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:29:28 It could be an elf. It could be a naughty little elf. Let's find out if it's a naughty elf, shall we? On the racking. Yeah. We ask what's going on. He tried to explain that he had gotten lost and was trying to get out. A rather weak excuse, given that climbing a 20-foot high rack to jump over the security fence

Starting point is 00:29:42 was far harder than going through the giant warehouse door. So I still don't know what racking is, though. It's like a big... Look, do you see this? We're here in the house of ham and mash. No ham. Mash and sausage. Hold the ham. It's just sausage, eggs and mash. The machinations of the mash and egg house. If I'd had that, I wouldn't want ham

Starting point is 00:29:59 with it. Would you have bacon with it? You've got sausage. You don't need anything else, really. I'd have bacon. Maybe, but not with mash. I've never had bacon with mash with mash no i don't think it's a good idea i don't know i mean it could be it'd be great it's like isn't corn like spam and i had one of those mash pots the other day polish mash pot yeah and they had bacon bits in was it all the water bloody lovely mate really yeah we should review one one all right on gp yeah yeah yeah they like smash but in a pot so it's all very it's like contained. Anyway, I don't want to talk

Starting point is 00:30:26 about racking so we're moving on. No, I'll explain what racking is. Just turn your head if it's not too painful. Ah. Yeah, that.

Starting point is 00:30:33 Yeah. Shelving. Shelves. Alright. Outdoor. You should have just said shelving. Yeah, but it's not. It's bigger than shelving.

Starting point is 00:30:38 It's racking. It's outdoor big outdoor container shelve things. Anyway, immediately sensing some shit going down and throwing my glance throwing a glance

Starting point is 00:30:47 at my and throwing a glance at my pal we played along and escorted him to the staff entrance which went to the garden centre part

Starting point is 00:30:54 of the store. So he climbs down the rack and then he takes him and goes come with us mate. We did this to make it take longer for him to get away.

Starting point is 00:31:01 We ran back to the corner climbed up and peered over on the pathway below there was about 20 black cases containing expensive power tools thrown over by the mystery man. Oh. Oh, reclaim the property? Yeah. Well, I didn't have time nor breath to tell him what was going on as we shot down the back alley.

Starting point is 00:31:28 We turned the corner and came face to face with a completely different guy who was trying to gather up all the loot. Right, that's what I mean. Yeah. Mate, he drops everything and then pulls a knife to stop our approach. This is where it's getting serious now. He waves it around. I'm going to go and call the police.

Starting point is 00:31:44 Can I pick it up for you? I'll help you. I'll take it to your car for you. He waves it around a few feet and we both take a step back. Before a word is spoken, the security guy and I both take a confident step forward and the perp immediately shits it and runs for his life across the park. Okay. Oh, way too fast for us to catch up with him.

Starting point is 00:32:03 So I fetch a flatbed trolley, gather up all the goods and return to a hero's welcome. Is that the end. Okay. Oh, way too fast for us to catch up with him. So I fetch a flatbed trolley, gather up all the goods and return to a hero's welcome. Is that the end? No. The police arrive and we give our statements and then we get back to work. An hour later,

Starting point is 00:32:13 we get word from the store manager that the police had spoken to him again and informed him that they caught the would-be robbers. The absolute idiots had gotten themselves caught

Starting point is 00:32:22 right by the police outside the front of the store, having returned to their parked car whilst the police were on their way out. What? So what they're saying is they decided to park their car in the home-based car park. And the police are just walking out of the place. Yeah, they ran off, came back for their car just as the police were coming in. Having had descriptions and seen CCTV footage,

Starting point is 00:32:44 they were identified and apprehended pretty quickly after looking rather shifty out in plain view. Oh, and also, at one point during my time there, someone shotgunned the gents' toilet with a huge amount of shit all over the floors, walls and ceiling and clogging up the toilet. No one, not even the contract cleaners, would touch it because it was so messy and grim. So one of the senior managers had to suit up to do it.

Starting point is 00:33:06 Unsurprisingly, a decision was then taken to close the toilets off permanently. Ha ha ha, I snuck some shit into this story after all. Merry Christmas, Adam. Shotgunned the whole bog, man. How could, how, I never understand that when someone goes, walls and ceiling. It's like, no. Well, he didn't say

Starting point is 00:33:22 ceiling, did he? I imagine that. Paul, have you ever chocolate shotgunned a toilet? No. I don't think I've ever completely... Have you seen the spread that you get from that chocolate shotgun incident? Hello. The spread on the bowl. I'm telling you right now, I've never actually had that.

Starting point is 00:33:34 I've had the runs. In fact, the only other day, I had a rather... What's the word I want to use here? A big wet shit. Ah, a big wet shit. And it didn't shotgun. It just came out like someone had emptied a bucket of water out of me. No, the shotgun is a particular incident where you've got a hard plug.

Starting point is 00:33:54 Shotgun only happens when you've got certain conditions. I can see another one-star review being written right now. You've got a hard little plug. Yeah. That right at the front. Nestling up against the sphincter. The collagulate nut little plug. Yeah. That right at the front. Yeah. Nestling up against the sphincter. The collagulate nut. Yes.

Starting point is 00:34:07 Yeah. And behind that, a lot of liquid. A liquid matter, yeah? And so, the energy that you need to blow out the hard bit. Clear out the blogget. Causes a mini explosion, the shotgun effect. And then the spreading of the more liquid droplets afterwards, with quite a large range,

Starting point is 00:34:27 I noticed the other day when it happened to me. A large range. Do you go to supermarkets and shotgun their toilets? No, I do not. I do not. This was in my own home

Starting point is 00:34:35 and I dealt with it. Actually, I was in Starbucks in Soho, actually, but I dealt with it. There we go. You did it in a public place. No, but it didn't,

Starting point is 00:34:44 it was all in the bowl. Did you leave it there? It was all in the bowl. I did not leave it there we go you did it in a public place it was all in the bowl leave it there it was all in the bowl i did not leave it there i'm whistling no it was all in the bowl but you can tell from the the splatter pattern in the bowl that i have that if your anus had been outside of the bowl do you see what i'm getting at hovering above for some reason you could get it even wider sky's the limit with how wide you could always make me feel like they're sitting there and the pressure is so vast that it like it creates a kind of seal in the toilet so that it blows them all you see what i mean it's like you're sitting there you feel it you feel it feel it and then suddenly at some point it just goes it's someone who's desperately

Starting point is 00:35:20 drunk or fucked up and they just haven't managed to do it properly. And then they just fucking walk off. It always fucking bugs me. What are you going to do, though? How are you going to clean it up? If you've had an accident that bad, there's shit on the wall, what are you going to do? I would go up to the staff and go, I'm so sorry. I'm very poorly.

Starting point is 00:35:38 They still hate you. They hate you. Yeah, but you go. At least you're honest and you're doing the sympathy card. You go, I'm so dreadfully sorry. But I have absolutely shotgunned your public toilet shotgun i have smashed all my gross smashed it i've smashed my grotty nuggets all over your walls and pan i'm so sorry can i do something to help and they say all right and then what they look and then i fucking like it yeah why is that any better because at least I've made an effort to show that

Starting point is 00:36:06 I'm not proud of what I've done but then you leg it and so it's they just have a face to my name is Eli Jay Silverman alright

Starting point is 00:36:15 that's it is that the end of that bit that's the end of that letter well thanks mate thanks Adam right it's time bum ba ba

Starting point is 00:36:23 ra ba ba bum bum ba ba bum bum ba ba bum, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off And a double time Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off

Starting point is 00:36:57 Triple time Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off Brand Off Off, off, off, off, off, off, off. You have to stop. I've been arguing and I can't. It's time for Off Brand, Brand Off. What am I going to be blind taste testing against a brand against an off brand of a product? Do you know what you're talking about? Do you know?

Starting point is 00:37:20 Can you form a sentence? A product imitating the product, which is the off brand product. And then we've got the on-brand product what will be the on-brand and off-brand products

Starting point is 00:37:29 on this episode of off-brand off-brand off-brand off-brand off right so please tell me

Starting point is 00:37:35 we like to compare and contrast the flavours and tastes and prices of branded products against the off-brand equivalent

Starting point is 00:37:41 this week we are we've done this a few weeks ago actually we did a Ferrero. It wasn't Ferrero. Yes, it was.

Starting point is 00:37:48 It was a Kinder Bueno. Isn't that owned by Ferrero? Is it? Apparently, Ferrero, I heard the other day, is the second largest confectionery company in the whole planet. After what? Like Hershey's or something? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:00 Okay. After Mars. No, because I know someone who was doing some work for a sort of ad agency doing some work for Ferrero I believe and they have you know Ferrero

Starting point is 00:38:10 have Rocher of course but they also have Nutella yes it's all under the big Ferrero banner

Starting point is 00:38:17 and Buena and Kinder Kinder as well Kinder Buena Bontag Guadalajara and it's because

Starting point is 00:38:23 they had too many hazelnuts too many hazelnuts too many hazelnuts and they were like how are we going to fucking sell these hazelnuts to every fucking cunt who eats anything

Starting point is 00:38:31 in the whole planet let's stick it in chocolate let's just put loads no but it was a way of saving money on the chocolate because the cocoa itself is extremely expensive

Starting point is 00:38:38 so what the hazelnut offsets that yes essentially and it's a lot of palm oil it's not great Nutella it's like I know these people see those pictures online where they go here's what's actually in a lot of palm oil it's not great nutella it's like i know these pictures online basically where they go here's what's actually the jar of nutella and they show you the levels and the layers of the fat it's a lot of there's a lot of oil and sugar but like

Starting point is 00:38:53 you go not a lot and nuts there's nuts the problem is is that when people do that juice there's there's creamed nut there's a lot of cream nut my point is is that when people show that stuff off it's like we're meant to be shocked and it's's like, no, I mean, it was shit. Yeah. Let's look at can of Coke, which people drink all the time. And you see how much sugar's in a can of Coke. Yeah. No, I find this is the whole thing with, you know,

Starting point is 00:39:13 Jamie's war on chicken nuggets. It's like, yeah, it's mashed up chicken. It's all the chicken. They mash it up. That's great. Yeah. You know what I mean? Why is that fact in itself enough to make me think this is bad food?

Starting point is 00:39:24 Just because you've utilised the whole of the corpse of the animal. But then he goes on about how... It's the maltreatment. There's a lot of things you can attack the meat industry for. Definitely. Maltreatment of the animals and putting additives and stuff. But using all you can to make the product is in itself... Isn't an alien concept.

Starting point is 00:39:43 Isn't in itself a bad thing, is it? Because it's an efficiency. Well, that's what stews and stocks were. And nuggets are fucking delicious, aren't they? You know. I'm not a fan of them.

Starting point is 00:39:51 Aren't you? I find them flavourless. It's a bit of good dip. I mean, Maccy D's, you get a tender, though, from a place. Look, to each their own. It's just not for me.

Starting point is 00:39:59 All right, fine. Well, I'm not inherently shocked when people go, here's what's really in Kinder Bueno. And I'm like, it doesn't matter. Put it in me belly.

Starting point is 00:40:06 You love that stuff. So we are doing another Kinder product today and we are comparing. Well, just one last thing on when we tasted them before, Paul, it was one of the easiest. I am the super taster, if you like, in this equation. And I will be tasting and seeing if I can distinguish between the Kinder product or Rocher product and the knockoff. Yes. Which is obviously not made by them. No.

Starting point is 00:40:27 But it was one of the easiest ones ever. The Braino test, wasn't it? I don't think this is going to be too hard either. But we do have two tiers of this because what we're going to look at today is a Kinder Joy against a very, very similar product called a Wow Egg. Yes. If someone's looking at my ass, I'd go Wow Egg. All eggs. Oh. Listen. All eggs are

Starting point is 00:40:46 wow eggs if you stick them up your arse. Yes, that is absolutely true. Ooh, egg. Ooh, an egg. An ovipositor.

Starting point is 00:40:54 You could have sticky eggs. Ovo. Ovo. Ovo. Ovum. It's like ovo.

Starting point is 00:41:02 Yeah. So we've got a wow egg. I'm sick of you now. Wow egg. He tries. And a kid to join. Now, they're similar to it's like ovo yeah so we've got a wow egg I'm sick of you now wow egg he tries and a kinder joy

Starting point is 00:41:08 now they're similar to the kinder eggs so you know kinder eggs everyone knows have a toy within a plastic capsule that is banned in America because

Starting point is 00:41:16 it can't mix food and toys oh is that why we talked about it I think on a digitised video but there's some law in America which meant you can't have a product which is food

Starting point is 00:41:24 and a toy together because you might have kids eat the toy. They might eat it, yeah. Because of things that probably happened in the early 20th century when kids ate screws and stuff. I'll probably be corrected on that, but that's the overall gist of that issue. Oh, yeah, I thought it was something to do with the sort of drug portability utility of the toy case, which is very good for putting drugs in and then sticking up your arse.

Starting point is 00:41:45 Or fanny. Right, so we are... Or just secreting somewhere on your body. That's a wow egg, isn't it? Up your fanny, full of Coke. You wouldn't want that bursting.

Starting point is 00:41:54 So, Kinder Eggs, yeah, chocolate, it's kind of like, what is it? Hazelnut chocolate and white chocolate. Yes, with the chocolate. It's very thin,

Starting point is 00:42:01 but it's kind of delicious. Is there cocoa in it? In fact, is there any? Yes, there is. Okay. Yeah, whereas, and it? Yeah. In fact, is there any? Yes, definitely. There is, okay. Whereas, and it comes with a toy inside, whereas Kinder Joy is very similar. Are you talking about Nutella?

Starting point is 00:42:09 Are we talking about Nutella now? Mate, let me just get the fact out, because we're not talking about Nutella at all right now. I thought we were talking about Nutella. I'm sorry. We're not. I need you to focus. I am focused.

Starting point is 00:42:17 And let me just talk. I know, but sometimes when you talk, it makes this sort of flapping noise. Yeah. And the words aren't getting... This is coming from Mr. Godfrey Boroff. Godfrey Boroff? Godfrey Boroff.

Starting point is 00:42:27 Don't bring him up. He shot his head off in the shed. In the shed. Because he thought he was a plant man. Wait, wait, that's it. No. Sorry. Go back.

Starting point is 00:42:36 Go back. We can get this. We can do this. We can have this. Can we? Yes. Go back. You were talking about the Kinder Cream.

Starting point is 00:42:43 Kinder Eggs. Kinder Eggs. And how Kinder eggs. Kinder eggs. And how Kinder Joys are similar, but the difference is rather than it being a chocolate shell that surrounds a toy,

Starting point is 00:42:50 you get an egg that splits into two halves and one half, you get this kind of Kinder egg chocolate dip and then the toy is on the other half of the egg

Starting point is 00:42:57 in a plastic shell. Yeah. So there's separate entities. It's a different product. Yeah. So we're going to look at the toys and see how they stack up.

Starting point is 00:43:03 Okay. Before we do the taste test. Before we do the taste test. Okay. So let's have a quick look. we're going to look at the toys and see how they stack up. Okay. Before we do the taste test. Before we do the taste test. Okay. So let's have a quick look. I'm going to look at the Kinder Joy now. Which is the knockoff. And it splits into two.

Starting point is 00:43:11 No, this is the product. The Kinder Joy is the product. Splits into two. One half with the chocolate fillings. It's a pleasing little split, the way it splits like that. And look, it comes with a little cardboard scoop to scoop the cream with, which you'll be using for both. Right. Put that there. Well, let's just put it here. I'm scoop to scoop the cream with which you'll be using for both all right put that there well let's just put it yeah i'm gonna get the toy out first

Starting point is 00:43:29 here we go so i'm revealing i'm pulling this this is the good toy then we think this is a kinder joy toy this is the on-brand toy this is the on-brand toy yeah and now they're all christmas themed this one and this oh it's a little santa christmas special editions it's a little santa let me see if i can put them together yeah it's a little santa claus these it's a little Santa. Christmas special editions. It's a little Santa. Let me see if I can put them together. Yeah. It's a little Santa Claus. It's a typical kinder toy. Three bits of plastic you put together. Yeah, but they used to be better. They used to have moving parts and stuff.

Starting point is 00:43:53 Well, this one is a little tag you can hang off a zipper on your bag or something. It's a little charm, a little Christmas Santa Claus charm. Anyway, while you're putting that together, I'm going to get out the Wow Egg. It's exactly in form, similar to the Kinder Joy. A plastic egg that's split in two, similar to Kinder Joy. A plastic egg that splits in two and in one half it's got the chocolatey dip kind of thing and the other half is the toy. It's a very creamy, chocolatey

Starting point is 00:44:11 smooth dip. I don't know if I might not be able to tell these apart at all. I've made the Santa. This is just a little wobbly yellow man. Oh, that's better. Look at that. It's a little plasticky rubbery man with an emoji face. It's sort of like a crash test dummy almost. It's Look at that. It's a little plasticky rubbery man with an emoji face. It's sort of like a crash test dummy almost.

Starting point is 00:44:28 It's a wobbly. It's a traffic light man. It's just a wobbly little yellow man. Love eyes. Weird. What do you do with it? Wobbly wibbly. He just wobbles around, doesn't he? So which toy do you think is best? Oh, he stretches Armstrong. He stretches as well. He's very stretchy. That's better than the Kinder, isn't it? It's better than the Kinder.

Starting point is 00:44:43 The Kinder obviously has had more work put into it, though. If you think about the sculpt on Santa's little beard there. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a better toy in terms of its construction, definitely. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:54 And in terms of the sort of clever way it clips together. Yeah. But in terms of just weird, oddity toy. I wonder what the other one... That is more exciting to us, isn't it? We're more excited by the... Because it's so odd.

Starting point is 00:45:03 It's like looking at... I've got another little wow egg. Shall I have a quick look into by this. Because it's so odd. I've got another wow egg. Shall I have a quick look into what that one is? Let's have a little look in another wow egg. I've got a couple more wow eggs. I'm just going to open this one and see what they're toying with. All the Christmas ones are just going to be figures, you think? The Kinder Joy ones are all those little dangly plastic figure things.

Starting point is 00:45:16 So they're going to be part of the course. So we've seen one, we've seen them all. Fine for what they are, but they're part of the course. Do we think it might just be a different coloured figure, rubber figure, similar? No. It's not? It's a totally different thing? It is a little hairband with a one-eared rabbit because the ear's broken off. I will use it.

Starting point is 00:45:30 It's a little hairband. How did you break that off? I couldn't have because it was inside the little thing, so it would have broken off in here. But there's no little ear, so it's just a one-eared rabbit on a hairband. I'm going to open all of these. I hope you get another hairband because I would like to use that, but not with a broken ear rabbit on it. Here we go. What's the toy in this one?

Starting point is 00:45:47 Oh, it's another little yellow wobbly man. Oh, but he's got a different face, this little yellow wobbly man. Oh, what's his face? He's doing the wink and tongue out. Oh, he's doing winky face. Wink with your tongue out emoji. What was that meant to represent? Like, come on.

Starting point is 00:45:58 Come on, I'm fucking. I've gone to Carolina school. And I got a thirst. Oh, God. A thirst. T-H-I-R-S-T. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a thirst.

Starting point is 00:46:14 Well done. I mean, that joke has no place anywhere on this planet. I can't split this wow egg. Give me it. Let me open a wow egg

Starting point is 00:46:21 for once. Fair enough. I'll let you open it. That's a tough bugger, though. See, it's tough. I don't know what they fucking glued that with. They should just pull up. All right, that's fair enough. I'll let you open it. That's a tough bugger, though. See, it's tough. I don't know what they fucking glued that with. They should just pull apart. Oh, well done.

Starting point is 00:46:29 Got it. So shake it, and whatever the one, it's the rattly one. That's the toy. All right, reveal. What is it? Oh, this is... This, oh. Yeah, because...

Starting point is 00:46:37 What's that? This isn't a pure dip. This has got little bits of food in. I'll be able to tell them apart. You haven't done your research here. No, I know what I can do. They've just overdone the nuts. That's weird. All right, anyway, I'll be able to tell them apart. You haven't done your research here. No, I know what I can do. They've just overdone the nuts. That's weird.

Starting point is 00:46:46 All right, anyway, I'll worry about that. You just look at the... What is that toy? Oh, this has got little instructions with it. It looks like a ballerina on an island, maybe.

Starting point is 00:46:55 I don't know. It's the only one of the toys that's wrapped in anything. Well, it's got quite a few little bits, like some of the older kinder toys have those, don't they?

Starting point is 00:47:01 I like those. It's all very retro. Complicated ones. It's a little lady. Oh, it's a mermaid's all very retro complicated ones it's a little lady oh it's a mermaid oh right so it's a little statuesque mermaid

Starting point is 00:47:09 right shall we do the important part now which is the actual I'm just trying to what's this then I don't know I regret giving it to you it's a plastic little

Starting point is 00:47:18 green thing with it oh it's her hair yeah is her hair a great big green egg yeah why it's just like a bob it's a green bob because it's seaweed or whatever

Starting point is 00:47:26 because she lives in the sea. Right. She's a mythical creature, Paul. Where's your joy? Where's your sense of wonder and joy? Can we get on with the actual off-brand brand off-pod? No, I want you to build this mermaid for me. I'm not going to build this mermaid for you.

Starting point is 00:47:37 Please. I regret giving you... We built this mermaid. We built this mermaid on this show. You've got bits... Oh, it's too complicated. Let's have a look, you twat. There's bits in the hair that you have to get out.

Starting point is 00:47:48 For a fucking fucker off. We'll fix that later. Yeah. We'll fix it in post. We need to do the tasting now. We need to do the tasting. So, yeah, for some reason, they've overdone it with the knobbly biscuits.

Starting point is 00:47:58 So I'm going to just give you the creamy chocolate underneath, which I can't... Open another one, which... No, they're all the same. I've looked. Yeah, but does Kinder have the knobbly biscuits as well? Yeah, but not as many as this oh so look we taste them both i know i just said cream i just said cream i thought it was only cream with no knobbly biscuit bits paul no but it is both products have knobbly biscuit bits well one of them has a kind of wafery biscuit

Starting point is 00:48:20 thing oh you need to mash it up for me so i'm gonna have to mash it up like listen i've already seen i've seen what they're called the biscuits they're just little biscuits no what's the other product called that isn't the kinder egg wow egg wow wow egg wow egg wow egg wow egg so what i'm gonna do is give you the the chocolate paste the dip all right okay all right and i have to tell from that alone which is or you know which is your favorite which i like yeah which one i think is which one do you think ready Ready? So put your blindfold on. Okay. Come on, love.

Starting point is 00:48:47 He's got a nice red scarf today and he's affixing it to his head accordingly. Here we go. I think it's going to be a piece of piss and I think it's going to be down to... I think this is going to be a piece of piss, this one. Down to just chocolatiness. Right.

Starting point is 00:48:57 The kinder's going to have a more secure chocolatiness to it. Right, so here we go. You load the scoop up before me. I'm going to load the first scoop. Load me a scoop and then this is not the first product. I don't know which one it is, everybody. No, he doesn't know.

Starting point is 00:49:10 I've got the blindfold quite secure, pressing on my eyes. Right, so I'm giving you a little bit of the chocolate, a little bit of the cream, and a little bit of the biscuit. Hand me the scoop of the cream and the biscuit.

Starting point is 00:49:19 I'm going to show you, I'm going to hand you the tip. But I'm going to know about the shape of the mouth, shape of the biscuit. You're not, because I've smushed it all up. All right. On the end of that is your snack.

Starting point is 00:49:29 So he's awkwardly forcing the little plastic spoon now into his mouth with the mushed-up biscuit, chocolate, and white chocolate creme. What are your initial thoughts on that bite today? Quite nice. Yeah. Very sweet. There is a chocolatey-ness there, but it's very hard to find. Okay.

Starting point is 00:49:52 Overwhelmingly sweet. If I was going to make a guess, I'd say that was the off-brand, maybe, the cheaper. Are the Wow Eggs significantly cheaper, by the way? Yes, significantly. I got four for a pound, and one Kinder Joy was a quid. So I got four for one quid, and then the Kinder one was about 95 quid. They're quite significantly cheaper then. All right, here's the next one.

Starting point is 00:50:09 It's hard to say, but I think I'll know. Here we go. Do you think the only reason I'm struggling with that is because that's not the Kinder? I think we're going to have a moment now when I eat the Kinder, the proper one. Well, you don't know which one I've given you, do you? No, I know, but this is what I'm saying. If I had to guess now, I'd say that first one was the off-brand. Alright, well here is the second scoop ready for you. A little bit of biscuit.

Starting point is 00:50:27 I might be surprised. I might be surprised here. So this is the second of the second scoop of cream. Chocolate egg treats, a bit of biscuit, a bit of white chocolate, a bit of brown chocolate. And he's munching away. And that's not a good face, but let's see what Eli now has to report.

Starting point is 00:50:43 That's much worse. Is it? In what way? The amplitude's not a good face, but let's see what Eli now has to report. That's much worse. Is it? In what way? The amplitude's not there. Right. It doesn't have a sort of single flavour. Very hard to find any cocoa. It's got more of a sort of fake vanilla-iness to it.

Starting point is 00:50:56 Okay. So I'm definitely going to say that is the off-brand, and the first one I tasted was the... The Kinder. I'm going to stick with that. Okay, well then, let's get this over and done with. Mr. Silverman. Yeah, it's just not as nice.

Starting point is 00:51:06 It's got a sort of staleness to it as well that was not there with the first one, which was the kinder, which had the wafer had a different quality to it. Well, I can now reveal to you that you are indeed correct on your assumptions.

Starting point is 00:51:18 That's much worse. Kinder Joy was the first and the Wow Egg was the second. It's not a wow on the taste, although they are competing on the toys, aren't they? I mean, the toys are a Wow Egg was the second. There's not a wow on the taste although they are competing on the toys aren't they? I mean the toys are a bit more interesting.

Starting point is 00:51:29 Definitely. But you know probably of a lesser quality overall. Yes. You know. They are but just yeah. Kinder's toys

Starting point is 00:51:35 are a bit safe whereas they've gone for something a bit more punk rock haven't they? A bit more edgy. The Wow Eggs. A bit more edgy. The Wow Eggs have got

Starting point is 00:51:42 a kind of you know those machines you get where you put a quid in and twist it and something falls out in a little toy egg.'s got that kind of quality to it it's like oh is it a tension toy pop-up thing a little mini popper thing or is it a squeezy test egg yeah or was it a spongebob stress toy you know it's it's got that kind of feel where kinder are more in the tiny plastic toys you can now dangle or they have the thing now where you can what's this

Starting point is 00:52:03 whole dangling thing why is that so good i mean well because it gives it a kind of function doesn't it if you can make a zip charm or a phone charm it kind of makes it just a bit more than a piece of plastic as well piece of shit yeah other than that you know but now they do a thing with the qr code you get a sticker and you scan it and it brings the toy to life in an augmented reality. So actually, before we go any further though, in terms of Bow for the Eggs, which is the best overall Kinder Joy, isn't it? Easily. Despite the kind of formularity of the toy.

Starting point is 00:52:35 Did you taste them both? Yeah. It's just got nothing to it. The flavour, it's just a pale imitation, honestly. And when you look at like, just look to the eye, the presentation of it. It's much better on the Kinder. one is like a delicately made nice can of white chocolate with some chocolate dimples in and then the other one looks like someone sneezed a load of biscuits

Starting point is 00:52:52 so easy to tell these apart yeah but the price differential is is large probably one of the largest we've seen it's like one third of the price a quarter Because I got four for a pound, didn't I? So one egg is one quarter of the price of a joy. Yes? Yes. Right. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, I made a mistake

Starting point is 00:53:17 there with the maths. I never claim to be good at maths. Apologise. Sorry about that. It's a quarter of the price. Yeah, it's a quarter of the price. Yes. Right. Well, then that's that segment, it's a quarter of the price. Right. Well, then that's that segment done. Well done, Mr Silverman. Two elderly men swear each other and stumble over basic maths. Basic maths, yes. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:53:34 Oh, God. Wait. Let me just pick this up. Hello? Put that down, Jimmy. Jimmy, put it down. It's for me, for later. Okay, I'll put it down.

Starting point is 00:53:44 I'll go over here. God damn it, you're so testy this time. Sorry about that, Paul. Is that you? Yes, hello. R, put it down. It's for me, for later. Okay, I'll put it down. I'll go over here. God damn it, you're so testy this time. Sorry about that, Paul. Is that you? Yes, hello. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Oh, good to see you, Mr. Brandoff. We didn't recognise the number.

Starting point is 00:53:57 Is it a new number? It's only the check for this week's episode, all right? No, you don't get paid anymore for this segment, remember, because of all the shit you did. The murder and the espionage and the terrorism and the murder. Look, I've had a very hard week. So as a result, you don't really have anything to do with this podcast anymore. It's only really a pleasantry that we get you on.

Starting point is 00:54:16 Paul, I'm not having this argument with you. You pay me. You know I've got those documents. You know I've got them. Jimmy's here with me. He knows all about them. I got those documents. The stuff you did in the Prime Universe.

Starting point is 00:54:27 Don't you think that we don't remember that? Ruff, Ruff. Jimmy, you're not in my good books. You're still in my shit list, you little yank cunt. Right, well then I won't piss on your seats tonight. Oh, Ruff, Ruff. And I tell you, I got a nice... I've been drinking asparagus juice all day.

Starting point is 00:54:46 Don't try and turn me on. It won't work. And I've been drinking lots of water. I've been holding on to this pee-pee for so long that I promised you that you will have a splashing good time in your back seat tonight. Jimmy, I told you. If you want to throw the blackmail around, if you want to be like that, then that's fine. I won't

Starting point is 00:55:05 piss on your seats no more. Yeah, what's going on? Just hang on a second. I've got to go to Jimmy. Jimmy, I told you. Eli, he's talking to Jimmy now. Oh, okay. I'm getting confused who's doing what. Now, Jimmy, yeah, what you want, buddy? Look, Paul, you're going to hang on, are you?

Starting point is 00:55:22 Yes, I'm going to hang on. Eli, he's hanging on. Oh, he's hanging on, is he? I like Paul. I'm hanging on for this bit, yeah. Jimmy, yes, buddy., are you? Yes, I'm going to hang on. Eli, he's hanging on. Oh, he's hanging on, is he? I like Paul. They're hanging on for this bit, yeah. Jimmy. Yes, buddy. I told you. Yes, buddy.

Starting point is 00:55:29 I appreciate your efforts to recreate the pissy limousine for me, but I'm the only one who will do it. It's a Fiat. It's a terrible little car. I painted it black. With plastic seats. The piss just runs off it. Well, I've got to put some lovely sheets down.

Starting point is 00:55:43 And also, it just isn't the same unless you are some kind of old-fashioned female secretary in a subservient role. I've been willing to role-play. I can't do it anymore. Do you still want me to piss in your face? Yes. Ruff, ruff. Jimmy's in the good books again. Now, Paul, you there?

Starting point is 00:56:03 Yes. Right, I sorted that out. Eli, Eli, you there? Yes. Right, I sorted that out. Eli, Eli, he's back now. Oh, he's there? Just ask him if he... Don't know. Just ask him what he wants. What do you want?

Starting point is 00:56:12 Right, Paul, I want my money. That's for one thing. We don't owe you any money. Okay. Well, I've got a great opportunity for you. Yes? Have you heard of a little thing called an NFT? Yeah, they're horrible. It's a non-fungible token. Yes. Have you heard of a little thing called an NFT? Yeah, they're horrible. It's a non-fungible

Starting point is 00:56:26 token. Yes. And I've got some great NFT opportunities for you. No, we're not doing... No, I do. I have got... We're not doing a cheap show, NFTs. This is a... That's absolutely fucking ridiculous. Look, just wait. Ruff Ruff. NFTs, Eli, you say? No, not there.

Starting point is 00:56:42 That's a fucking con man's job. There's bollocks, mate. Fucking monkey pictures for twats. Now, listen to me, Ruff R there. That's a fucking con man's job. There's bollocks, mate. Fucking monkey pictures. Now, listen to me, Ruff Ruff. I've got... This is going to be brilliant. For just £10,000, you can have an NFT. It's a glob of spunk.

Starting point is 00:56:55 No, but it's not a glob of scrump, is it? It's the receipt for a glob of scrump. You can have the receipt for the glob of spunk and this receipt for this picture of a glob of spunk... But what's its heritage? How can we prove its... I've worn heritage? How can we prove its legitimacy? I've worn it. How can we prove its legitimacy?

Starting point is 00:57:08 I spunked on the back seat of a limousine, and then I drew an outline around it. I spunked on the back of that limousine. That's my spunk. Jimmy. So you're telling me already that this is not true. It's not your spunk, because you can't produce spunk. It's a picture of a piece of spunk.

Starting point is 00:57:21 He tries, but he can't do it. He can't get it up. All right, forget that one. I've got lots of other NFTs but he can't do it. He can't get it up. All right, right. Forget that one. I've got lots of other NFTs that you're going to love. We're not doing NFTs. I've got the sound of Eli farting from episode 216. No, but that's ours. I hope he did fart on that episode,

Starting point is 00:57:36 because I don't fucking know what episode it is. 216. The odds are good, mate. Let's be honest. If not, I'll go back and edit one in oh god don't rough rough rough right pick a character eli right do you want any of these fucking nfts then no we don't want to do cheap nfts they're a con well how i'm listen i need some money it's hard out here i'm on the run i'm with jimmy do you know what jimmy consumes in cigars and boxes of biscuits. He, you know, he eats fucking...

Starting point is 00:58:06 Don't you... Don't I have living... Jimmy, you're a walking... I have needs. You're a walking cliche. You eat biscuits and your name is Biscuits. What kind of idiot character does that? You an idiot? Yeah, but they're American biscuits.

Starting point is 00:58:17 Is that asparagus... Like grits. Fetted. I want that asparagus fetted and putrid before you eat it so you smell the smell of your piss. Well, I won't be pissing tonight. I've gone off the idea. In fact, I'm going to go out and I'm going to hang out with...

Starting point is 00:58:31 Teen Yeti again. Yeah, we're going to hang out. Me and Teen Yeti are going to hang out again. He won't talk to me. No, because, you know, we're all getting a little bit tired of you. We bend over backwards for you most nights, and this is how you repay us? I'm going to get some money.

Starting point is 00:58:44 This is how you repay the good Jimmy Biscuits? Jimmy, I'm going to get some money. This is how you repay the good Jimmy Biscuits? Jimmy, I'm going to get some money. I got you off many times. You're getting me off tonight, aren't you? In the back of the limousine? No. Please. I meant the crimes.

Starting point is 00:58:54 Let's make some more NFTs of spunk, please. Not in the back of the fiat. Please, Ruff Ruff. We're not making NFTs. Naughty fiat chunchen stroke. Anyway, Paul, you're an idiot. You still there, Paul? Yes. You're an idiot for fucking

Starting point is 00:59:07 turning this opportunity rough-rough down. You'll see I'm going to be the world's first NFT billionaire with non-fungible pictures of spunk. Fuck you. Rough-rough. That was embarrassing. It really was on a lot of levels. I don't know how Jimmy

Starting point is 00:59:23 I mean, I was listening in. Yeah, I know. I've got this other line. Yeah, you were listening in levels i don't know jimmy i mean i was listening in yeah i know i've got this other line yeah you were listening in yeah uh i don't know how jimmy and uh they don't sound like they're getting on it's it's i think it's just you know they're having a bit of a lover's tip a bit chalk and cheese aren't they a bit bit chalk and cheese but you know there's an inner there's an inner beauty to them that we hope to see blossom i'd like to see them do some more crimes at the end of other episodes. Who knows? Who knows where they'll pop off again?

Starting point is 00:59:49 Those crazy little rascals. Let's wrap this show up. Bye bye, everyone. Bye bye. That's the end of Cheap Show once again this week. Bye bye, everyone. I'm disappointed, Paul, because I've had a good time with you. We had a little nibble.

Starting point is 01:00:09 A little bit of wordplay, you know, a little bit of swear tennis. You want another go at swear tennis? Go on. Okay. Shit. Flaps. Pumice. Cum.

Starting point is 01:00:23 Slinky. Jism. Wank shaftft Clunge Nodger Fathead Pikachu's Arsehole Knob Jockey Ton Ton McSquirt

Starting point is 01:00:33 I can't do it! Out! Oh, Ton Ton McSquirt, huh? Dirty, love! I'm doing alright. Do the housework mate right so yeah

Starting point is 01:00:46 thank you for listening this week if you want to go to our website that's a one stop shop for all the kind of things you might want to do with all this

Starting point is 01:00:55 fuck balls go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk if you go there there are a page for each episode and that page will have pictures

Starting point is 01:01:02 and sometimes videos we'll have pictures of their kinder toys to accompany those episodes. And the crisps. Yes. Also, if you want to, you can support us on Patreon. It's patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

Starting point is 01:01:15 If you can, do give. Thank you. There are videos and podcasts and magazines and all sorts of bits and bobs. Hours and hours of extra cheap show goodness if you want to get involved there and then give what you can but only if you can also our website's a one-stop shop for all the um links to merch and stuff we have our own merch pages we have tony's art and merch

Starting point is 01:01:35 page we have events uh physical magazine of the cheap show magazine which patrons get for free digitally but you can buy your own physical thing and they're lovely and did you see the new t-shirt with features brand off yeah and biscuits another myself you and teen yeti it's a lovely image so all the characters we mentioned uh just now why not treat yourself this christmas with one of those pieces of merch also you can send us stuff in the po box there's still time uh cheap show po box 1309 harrow HA19QJ. Send your stuff there. And if you've already, you know, forgotten that, you just go to our website because there's an image there of that address.

Starting point is 01:02:11 So it's a one-stop shop. And all the links are on all the whatever app you listen to the podcast on anyway. Yeah, and all the metadata for this podcast has links and things as well. So that's fine. Instagram, Facebook, we're there. But on Twitter, we're most active.

Starting point is 01:02:25 At the Cheap Show pod, I'm at Paul Gannon Show. And Eli is... Eli Snoid is my tit... Is your tit. Chebs. Is your chebs. Chebs. My rough, raw chebs.

Starting point is 01:02:35 You know what? Eli... Eli Snoid is my Twitter handle. And that's spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Eli, do you want to buzz me off at the end? Do you want to see how... I don't really, because I'm not a sadist, Paul. I mean, you know,

Starting point is 01:02:46 I don't like the idea of you having pain. I would just like to talk about your chebs getting a bit scabby and bleeding. Yeah, I really like... Come on.

Starting point is 01:02:54 Here's the control. Mild green. See what a friend you are. How far do you want to go up? This is like that experiment that proved everyone would do what the Nazis wanted them to.

Starting point is 01:03:03 So you press A. The light's gone off. so you press a if you press a yeah a means the left hand side of my body b is the right hand side of my body right so if you press can i make you walk along like frankenstein if you press if you press a right get you to go and do a bank job you need to listen it's not the wrong trousers right you need to listen is that the wrong track does that yeah the pants go to life so if it's funny because we mentioned that before didn't we yeah we did so here's the thing you press the a or b channel and then the minus and plus make it more powerful right so you press b and then you'll click on the up or down so right now it's like what stage one so what how far are

Starting point is 01:03:39 you going now on which side on a side yeah what have you gone up to? I've gone to four. All right, that's about how I have it. What's on the B side? Two. B side? Go on, turn the B side up. You want the B side up? Yeah, turn it all the way up to four. The same as the A.

Starting point is 01:03:54 Oh, yeah. It won't go up. Oh, there we are. You have to press it twice to move it up one step. Yeah. Now, it's up to you. Where do you want to go? Should we go to the max?

Starting point is 01:04:02 I mean, is that what you want? Is that what you're egging me on to do? Is that why you're egging me on then? I'm not. I just want to see where you want to go to go? Should we go to the max? I mean, is that what you want? Is that what you're egging me on to do? Is that why you're egging me on then? I'm not. I just want to see where you want to go with it. I'll go to the max. I don't want you to go to the max. It might be the worst.

Starting point is 01:04:11 I want to see what this puppy can do, man. I want to see what this horse can do. 1.21 gigawatts. Imagine that. Fucking kill me. Go up one more on each side. Go up two more. Two more on each side?

Starting point is 01:04:22 Yeah. You're up for that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on. Let's see what this fucking humdinger can push out. Fucking my chebs. Your chebs well hard. Yeah, I've got hard chebs.

Starting point is 01:04:34 You're up to five. No, you're only up to five, so you're going two more. Go on. Now you're up to six on the A. Six. And now you're up to six on the A. Six. And you're going to B. And now you're up to six on both sides. Oh, this is good.

Starting point is 01:04:50 Do you want to come down a bit? Oh, yeah. Yeah? I can't go any higher than this. All right, I'll bring you down. Oh, I'm bringing you down. I'm bringing you down. And on the B side, I'm bringing you down. Oh, the B side?

Starting point is 01:05:04 All right, you're back down to three on both sides there. Oh. And on the B side, I'm bringing you down. Oh, the B side? All right, you're back down to three on both sides there. Oh, well, what a fun ending to this episode of Cheek Show. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye. Still got your TENS machine on? No, I've turned it off for this segment because this segment needs all of our focus. Oh, fucking hell.

Starting point is 01:05:41 All of our focus. All of our, all of our, all of our. Oh, Paul. One star. I didn't shotgun that. Oh, dear, the grumbles. Seriously, every time I use that 10th machine, it rumbles my guts. Well, probably quite healthy.

Starting point is 01:06:05 Is it? Yeah. Then. Well, probably quite healthy. Is it? Yeah. Then I shall continue to use it. Farting, Paul, is a normal part of every person's life that should be accepted and discussed openly. Not openly, but, you know, accepting. No, I don't think we should. I don't think there's any need, really, for people to fart out loud. You do it all the time, and you put so much effort straight into it.

Starting point is 01:06:29 Don't start this again. Don't start this. No one wants to hear this. Well, then don't fart, and I won't bring it up, because I will have nothing to comment on. I'm sorry I tried to have an adult conversation with you. You're the child in this relationship and also on this podcast. He's going again.

Starting point is 01:06:45 He's guffing. Put that at the end of the bloody episode, echoed and treated with filters. I fucking need a filter for that. I need a fucking filter for my mouth. I'm not going to fart in your gob. Well, it's getting there. It's in the air.

Starting point is 01:07:03 Jesus has fart. I could be breathing. Jesus has fart. I could be breathing in Jesus' fart. You have. Several molecules of Jesus' pee-pee hole are going through your brain. Wait, fart doesn't come out of a pee-pee hole. Your brain has molecules that were in Jesus'... I'm actually tempted to stop this recording and start again until I've released all the gas I've got in me right now,

Starting point is 01:07:21 because there is a bubbling hot coming on. Maybe we could have this as a Patreon extra. Two minutes of plus, yeah. I mean, it's all contest. You grunting because the TENS machine

Starting point is 01:07:32 has dislodged your gut gas. You're going to have to. It's disgusting. Oh, I don't want to. Stop farting. I might put this on the end of the episode.

Starting point is 01:07:43 Bye. stop farting I might put this on the end of the episode bye

CheapShow - Ep 260: Swear Tennis

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