CheapShow - Ep 261: The 3rd Annual Office Christmas Party

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Another year gone, another Christmas is on it's way and unfortunately that means it's time for another drunken, angry CheapShow Office Party. As the booze flows, Paul and Eli attempt to bring some Yuletide cheer to economy comedy podcast in the only way they know how... badly! Paul makes a tonne of effort and Eli manages to do less than nothing and that makes Paul turn to the bottle. They break open some budget Xmas Crackers, sample some inexpensive booze, cheap festive eats and manage to ruin several well-loved Christmas songs by giving them a CheapShow update. You have been warned. For the grand finale, Paul has curated a very special "Price of Shite" for Eli to tackle. If Eli is successful, there is a very special prize indeed! But just when the office party was starting to become a more heart-warming experience, Paul simply had to answer his phone... And it all ends rather badly! If you can survive this Xmas party, you can survive any of them! Merry Christmas! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-261-3rd-annual-xmas-office-party And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Right, everything's ready. Got the crisps, got everything, got the seating. Can I come in yet? One second, Paul. Have you got the blindfold on? Yes. Well, just stay there for one second. I thought we were going out. We are out. You are out. You don't know where you are. No, I do know where... Just let me in! What's going on?

One second! Right, is everything just... look around... Okay Paul! Come in! God almighty! Can I take this off? Where are we going? I thought we were going out? We are out! I'm out the house! You're in your house! I'm in your house!'re in your house I'm in your house take the blindfold off monsieur

I thought you were going to where's the I gave you a hundred pounds again I gave you a hundred pounds again to book a venue for our office Christmas party and I spent it on this venue

it's not a venue this is the house of eggs and mash and ham or whatever it's called welcome monsieur to la maison de oeufs, le mash and le sauce. Ovo. Ovo. It's not Ovo.

House of Ovo. Ovo is not the word for egg in any language. Esperanto it is. Is it? Ovo. Bollocks. Ovo? So what?

Let me get this straight. Once again Mr Silverman, you have done the least amount of effort possible for our Christmas party and where's the hundred quid gone? It's gone on all of this fucking splendour you see around you. So a couple of Christmas crackers, the Tabasco bottle wrapped in fairy lights which looks second hand and what? The booze? The snacks?

Monsieur! With his array of luxuries. Le house de ovo, le salsage et le mash. Le jamon. There's no ham in that picture. No, the jamon is the... Oh, no, you're right. The jamon is the hamon, mate.

With the spam on. Oh, spaff it on. I thought we were going to go somewhere nice this year. This is nice. Look around you. Is it not nice? No. Would you pay 100 quid for this?

No. Right. Have a seat. Oh, God. Right. You're comfy. Are you ready for our party? What are we doing?

It's our office party. What are we doing? Paul, we've done all... It's not very Christmassy. It's extremely Christmassy. I'm feeling Christmassy. I don't know about you. I don't know about you. I don't know about you.

I'm going to get fucking wrecked. We're good. That's part of it. That's part of Christmas. Now, Paul. Yes. Just before we start. Yeah.

If you remember the bit we did the other day, which I'm going to keep in this now. I've just been to the office. It's like our office party, isn't it? Yes. I've been to the office photocopier. Yeah. Do you know what I've done a photocopy of? Your arse.

Yep. And you know what else? I wasn't going to say surprise me, but I know what the answer's going to be. My bollocks. Yes, good. And. Yeah, and. My wide, wide, green, gaping meters.

Cool. What a running gag that I wish. My wide, clean. That's it. Now, I remember now. To death. Now, I remember now. It's my wide, clean, gaping meters remember now now I remember now it's my wide clean

gaping meters shouldn't it be your wipe clean baby meters not baby meters wipe clean okay no that's it no you said baby meters

am I ruining it yeah get in that could be Edgar Wright's new project baby meters anyway anyway

no you're in the mood now I'm not with my wide clean I'm depressed this is the most depressed I've been and that's saying something considering this show

and us here's a photocopy of my wide clean gaping meters just wanted to get a clean one oh weird that picture looks like

Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors how weird what does your meters it looks like baby Audrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors

well I'm keeping with the French the Maison de L'Oeuf and Le Mache well you don't know what looks like baby Audrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors well I'm keeping with the French the Maison de L'Oeuf and Le Mache well you don't know what French is because Audrey 2 is a man eating plant

from a musical it's got a French name though Audrey yeah is it French? Amélie and I think the original what was it based on?

Little Shop of Horrors well it's not really based on anything it was a stage musical first oh yeah sorry it was an off-Broadway musical. Written by a French person. Wasn't.

Anyway. Fuck me. Make this place more Christmassy now. I will make the Christmassy happen right now for you, Paul. I've got music. We've got platters. Christmas festive platter for you. And it's a very good one.

This is Santa Claus and the Christmas Trees. That's the name of his band, the Christmas Trees. Sing along a Santa medley, brackets. Woo-hoo! So what, it's a bunch of Christmas songs? It's all on here. Everything, name a Christmas song, it'll be on here. God rest ye merry gentlemen.

That's not on here. Well, there we go. No, that's a shit, that's a hymn. That's a hymn, not a Christmas song. Hang on, let me have a look at that then. What else is on this? There's no hymns. Jingle bells, Rudolph, ding-dong, dreaming, good King W. That's a hymn. I turned this into... That's a hymn, not a Christmas song. Hang on, let me have a look at that then. What else is on this? There's no hymns. Jingle bells, Rudolph, ding dong,

dreaming, good King Wenceslas is a hymn. Deep and crispy, deep and crispy fenders. We wish you a merry Christmas, jingle bells, Rudolph the Red-Rose Reindeer, ding dong, merrily on high, and I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, good King Wenceslas last, so come all ye faithful.

We wish you a Merry Christmas And an Auld Lang Syne I made that scam No but let's do Good King Wenceslas No I peaked This episode's over

He took his knob right out He put it in a crispy Findus pancake And he boiled it Ding dong My cock's on fire I put it in an apple pie Ding dong My penis is on fire I. I put it in an apple pie. Ding dong, my penis is on fire.

I think I'm going to cry. Ah! Ah! Burnt meatus. Do you want to listen to it then? My meatus is aflame, boy. I've cooked the flesh of my knob. Put this music on.

Put it on. I've cooked it like a fucking sausage. Put it on. Oh, gizly bits coming out. Come on, get it Christmassy. Get it Christmassy, please. I couldn't get more Christmas. Yeah.

I'm going straight to the drink. You want to hear some of this? Yeah. Okay. Merry fucking Christmas. Come on. Christmas is coming. Christmas is coming. Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming tonight!

Right, here we go, what's this? Santa Claus and the Christmas trees. Right. Nice vibe! Yeah. Great. Oh, hello! It's a f***ing knees-a**y! It's like Chaz and Dave.

Wish you a Merry Christmas. How's your father? Wish you a Merry Christmas. Get him out, get him out. And a happy new year. Are you happy, did you? Oi, oi, oi. J-O-I-N-G-O-B-E-L-S.

Wallet, wallet, bing, bang, bosh! I spoffed my chodney off. Chodney off, chodney all the way. Chodney smacked his body. This is shit. Spoffing in your face. And I slapped it right around. Spunking, I'm spunking up your chaff

Go on Go on What's on the B side actually out of interest? What's the B side? It's a medley but I That's the medley but I thought it was going to be less Chas and Dave And more It is a sing-along

And more saccharine Yeah But it is a sing-along It is a sing-along It's around the old yeah but it is a sing-along so it's around the old piano the old Joanna innit on the B-side check the B-side

see what it says on the back on the record it doesn't actually say anything about the B-side what's it say on the actual record then weird what's it say on the record on the B-side

what's on the B-side what do you mean gotta do a B-side right what is it I can read it with this light why can't you because my eyes maybe have degenerated somewhat I'm 47 Paul on the B-side. What do you mean you've got to do a B-side? Right, what is it? I can read it with this light. Why can't you? Because my eyes maybe have degenerated somewhat.

I'm 47, Paul. Because of the wanking? No, that's... Because of the wanking? No, wanking doesn't affect the eyesight. It should. It should affect yours.

What's it say? I'll read it. Fucking give it here. The B-side. On Mike. It's a different group. It's not Santa Claus and the Christmas trees. On the B-side, it's Santa Claus and his hoochie-coochie men. What's a different group. It's not Santa Claus and the Christmas trees.

On the B-side, it's Santa Claus and his hoochie-coochie men. What does hoochie-coochie mean? Doesn't that mean sex? Yeah. So Santa Claus and his sex men. Also, coochie is a word for the ladies' parts, isn't it? Hang on, yeah, but Santa and his sexy men. Stroke my coochie.

Santa and the fanny men. Yes. I think that was a Liverpuddle-y and early electronica band. Blues for Father Christmas is a track. One track. Have it. Put it on. Put it on.

Put the B-side on. What do you mean I've got to do a B-side? I've just done a fucking medley. What do you mean I've got to do a B-side? Right, I'll fucking toss this off. Here we go. Here we go. Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah. Bluesy. Baby got the blues. I got a Santa blues. Oh, that's right, baby. Baby sexy dabs. I'm surprised by the production of both of these. Considering what I was expecting was Casio keyboard children singing.

Really? No. I mean, it's got a proper cover and everything. It's a... You woke up on Christmas morning. I can't. I'm not going to. I mean, it's got a proper cover and everything. You woke up on Christmas morning. I can't, I'm not going to, I'll tell you right now, I'm not going to get through much of this. Celebrate. Me, me, me, me, me. I'll be spuffed in the face because it's white Christmas.

He's coming down his chimney stack. I think what it is, is like, his woman left him for Santa Claus. That's what, I think that's what they're going to do. And Santa's empty in his sack. On my wife's pearly white tits. And off, and off, and off. That's it. This is now officially the longest cold open we've ever done. Alright, yeah.

Wait, here we go, big finish, come on mate. That's what we said! She's sleeping in his sack. That's anatomically very disturbing. It's the we said. She's sleeping in his sack. Yeah. That's anatomically very disturbing. It's the Christmas blues. Right, welcome to the Christmas cheap show office pot. Oh. Oh, he's still at it. Oh.

It's like the end of Saturday Night Live. See you, everybody. Saturday Night Live. Two endings. Two endings. Have mercy for the lady Is he? There's another group Oh you can't

Oh fuck off You can't Fucking Oh he spuffed into my wife's fucking mouth Ladies and gentlemen It's the third annual Cheap Show Office Christmas Party. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Off-brand brand, off-brand brand, off-brand brand Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman

Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle I just saw someone taking a piss out there. You just saw someone taking a piss? One of the good things about having these high windows. Yeah, you can see down. And people often think they're not being seen. And they take pisses. And you watch them.

And you stroke them. I stroke it hard. I stroke myself to completion. You know how often I wank, Paul? All the time. No, you don't. All the time. All the time I'm rubbing it.

I don't think you know how to. I'm getting fucking cloth, cloth, cloth rub rubs all the time. Cloth rub rubs? I'm getting all clothy rub rubs on my nuts. What kind of shammy leather?

Oh yeah. All shiny. Shammy, shammy, shammy leather. Shining off my knob. This is the chamois leather? Oh yeah. All shiny. Chamois, chamois, chamois leather. off my knob. This is the level you've got to expect from me today, Paul.

Well, ladies and gentlemen it is our Christmas office party. I think it's our third annual. I might be wrong. But I thought it was our office party

not our annual. Annual office Christmas party. An annual is a book containing our japes. It may be in a comic form. Also annual means regular.

Well it's like you just said it's our thirdes. It may be in a comic form. Also, annual means regular, doesn't it? Well, it's like you just said, it's our third annual. Annual what? Oh, now, oh, here comes the disease. Oh, Jesus. What set you off?

The yeast or something? Is it the desperado that set you off? No. I'm allergic to your bullshit. Is this smelly,

smelly coming off you with the stupid shit? Is this smelly, smelly coming off you with the stupid shit? Is the smelly, smelly coming off me? Yeah. Every time you open your mouth, I have an allergic reaction

to the sounds that you make. Well, I don't have to do this with you. You don't? I don't have to have a party with you. Well, we could have gone out. We could have gone on the town

and rented somewhere nice. What town? Where? The same place we always go to, except now with crackers and tinsel. There's crackers. Look at this. A hundred quid goes a long way, doesn't it? with crackers and tinsel. There's crackers. Look at this. 100 quid goes a long way, doesn't it?

No, it doesn't. There's special lights on the... I would say 75p went a long way, and then the other 90-odd quid's gone. 90-odd? 90, I don't know how much it's been. 99 and 25p. That would be it. 99 and 25p.

Do the math. Huh? Do the maths, mate. Well, I've brought snacks and crackers and booze. So we're going to just... What have you brought to the party? What have you brought? I've brought some skyflakes.

Have you? What are skyflakes? Do they particularly Christmas-y? Are they? Well... Do people go, Oh, are we having skyflakes for Christmas? Well, what is something, Paul?

No, because no one has sky flakes for Christmas. Do you know what a sky flake is, Paul? You've phoned us in. What is another word for sky flake? What's a type of flake that comes from the sky? Snowflake. Ah, and how Christmassy is that? Can't get more Christmassy.

You can. It's one. How can you get more Christmassy than a snowflake? Snowflake being ridden by Santa screaming down it. How is Santa going to fit on the snowflake? It's a giant snowflake from Magic North Pole. That's not very Christmassy. More of a sci-fi thing.

No. If you saw Santa riding a snowflake across the sky... I wouldn't think that's very Christmassy. Of course you would. I think there'd been an alien invasion or something. What? Alien Santa coming down on his massive flying saucer snowflake. He's a sky flake.

One second. Sorry. I've got to get this. What? Get what? No. Hello? Yeah, you're coming over.

Who are you talking to? Have you got time to? Oh, okay. Who is this? Who are you talking to? No, yeah, come over. You know the address? Yeah, yeah, we've got a few drinks and stuff.

No. I'll save you a can, all right? Who? All right, see you later. No, I'll save you a can, all right? Who? All right, see you later. No, it'll be good to see you. It's been a while.

Who? All right, bye. Who was that? Sally, the booker. You've invited... Sally books... You don't need to meet her because...

Books what? Like the acts, like when we had Suze and we had Nick and stuff. Will you use a professional booker? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She just wants the experience. So those people don't want to go on the show of their own accord. They have to get booked. No, it's just because I've got so much to do and you do fucking nothing that I just thought I'd give it to someone

who wanted to get involved. So Sally got in touch with me on Facebook and I said, all right, well then you can book the acts on my behalf. Just run it through me. Well, who is she? I wasn't asked about this. It doesn't matter, do you?

Why are you inviting her? I've only got a certain amount of drinks, mate. I've saved a few for her, if she pops by. I didn't think she was going to pop by, but she said she's up the road. She's going to be here, I don't know, do you? Why are you inviting her? I've only got a certain amount of drinks, mate. I've saved a few for her, if she pops by. I didn't think she was going to pop by, but she said she's up the road. She's going to be here in, I don't know, about an hour or so. Paul. What?

You get to see her finally. It'll be nice. Fucking whatever, mate. Skyflakes. Can I do... You've deflected me. You've punctured my... She called.

What do you want me to say? She called. Right, so I tried to do the Skyflake bit again. Do the Skyflake bit again. If I came and then you air blowed my cum all dry and then with like a hair dryer or something and then it all dried flakes coming down skyflakes paul floaters merry christmas everyone merry christmas to you and yours this year i hope you're spending time with your loved ones. Spunky flakes of sky flakes. Spunker.

Spunky, spunky, spunky flakes of nether. Yes. Dribble, dribble down my balls. In fact. Glisten, glisten, listen to my seepage.

I think sky flakes was actually one of the items listed by Christ. Pre-cum John as one of the services when he gave us that brochure. No, I didn't. Remember he handed us a brochure in the casino when we saw him gambling. Yeah, but I didn't look at it. I think sky flakes as one of the services when he gave us that brochure remember he handed us

a brochure in the casino when we saw Gambler yeah but I didn't look at it I think Skyflakes was one of them and there was different what are these Skyflakes they're crackers right

no pre-come John with his Skyflakes Paul mate I'm moving on you're not moving on it's a character free episode this is it yeah the characters are asleep

for Christmas they're in hibernation well Skyflakes Paul yeah are what seems to be a very popular brand of cracker from the Far East.

Knacker crackers? Eee, knacker crackers. That's right. I think the Chinese, I think they're in China, I think they're in China, but other parts of East Asia as well.

Is a knacker cracker a cracker you put in your bum crack? These are not knacker crackers. Only a knackers. Just to be clear, these are Sky Flakes put in your bum crack? These are not knacker crackers. Or near knackers. Just to be clear, these are Skyflakes that I have, Paul.

They're not knacker crackers. But crackers you put in your balls and your gooch. No, I think the knacker cracker that you're referring to, mate, is the crack of one's arse.

So a cracker would be pretty in that. It's a crack at the end of which your knackers are, sort of, aren't they? That's true, yeah. It's the road

that leads to Balltown. It's true, isn't it? The road that leads to Balltown it's true isn't it the road that leads it's right it's the ridge it's the ridge and Balltown is nestled at the end of the ridge

it's the dirty dale to Ballcity dangly on the balls yeah it's the shitty highway down to Ball Ball Mountain

right it's the shit shit road of shit to Pootown and Pootown is a half way to Balltown isn't it really yes it to Pootown. And Pootown is halfway to Balltown, isn't it, really? Yes. It is. Pootown's on the road to Balltown.

And round the corner is chocolate to make. To Milk Valley. Lemonade. Yeah. Two different types of Sky Flakes I've sourced for us, Paul. So what are they? They seem to have... Where are they from?

Like I say, East Asia. Okay. I think they... I've seen them in Chinese grocers, but also they... I think they're all over that sort of continent, East Asian continent, that whole area. Can we eat them then?

Because I'm bored of you talking about them. No, you haven't been listening to me talk about them. I'm hungry and I want crisps and snacky woos. Skyflakes, similar to something like Pringles or something like that, seem to come in a huge variety of flavours, Paul. And they have stuffed varieties, rather like our Ritz, that you can get the plain or stuffed with the cheese.

Oh, what's the other one? Tuck, yeah. These seem to be on the same vibe as that. Tom Tuck, the comedic actor. So I have two different types of Skyflake. Skyflakes. I like mistakes. I like fish and hake.

When we were boiled together in Skyflakes. Now, if you don't like episodes where I sing, fucking deal with it because it's a singing episode. Oh, it really is. It's Skyflake. I must. No, it's too Sky. I can crumble.

My balls tumble on your clefty chin. It's, oh, it's, ooh, clefty. Is there a little ball rest on this person's chin? You know, like, cleft chins are like dimples. You turn your balls to the parallel. It'd be good. They interlock. That'd be good for putting your balls on,

if there was a rest for your balls on someone's chin, wouldn't it? Knacker cracker. Give me a fucking cracker. Now, what do you want to taste first? Do you want to go for the savoury and then dessert? Savoury, then dessert. I'm handing them to you, Paul. Oh, look at Christmas.

Perhaps you can look at the back and see where they're manufactured, because there's a very low light in here. No, it's not that the low light is a problem. It's the fact that the text that would tell me this is absolutely tiny. Crackers with garlic. That's what we're tasting they're the savory ones i'll open one and we can share it so we don't waste food in this very trying economy but they're all yeah but they're all individually wrapped aren't they so they're for lunch lunch

kids lunches or whatever i bet they're they're popular yeah they're a nice packed lunch uh detail yeah you could probably put a bit of cheese on it or a bit of pate. Well, would you want... Oh! He's had it. You're not going to eat that. No, I'll have a bite, but it's very garlicky. Oh. Oh, that smells

good, man. Garlicky. Don't you like garlic? We all like garlic on this show. That was quite overpowering, I thought. Maybe the essential oils. Now you get three flakes per pack. Three cracks per pack. So I'm going to hand you the bottom flake. There, you have your own. And even they are separated into three sections.

So that is a Skyflake. Skyflake. Right, I'm going to taste it. Oh no, not in the mood for that. Fuck off. What's wrong? What's wrong with that? It's fine.

I actually don't mind it, but I'm really not in the fucking mood for a garlic snack. Very garlicky. Garlicky and salty. It's like a garlicky, salty Ritz cracker, isn't it? Wow. No, it's not awful. It's not bad.

It's just I am not in the mood for that flavour. That's nice. I might have another one. Not in the mood. I'm going to have another one. Yeah. It's not awful. It's not bad. It's just I am not in the mood for that flavour. That's nice. I might have another one. Not in the mood. I'm going to have another one. It's not that good. I'm stuck in my teeth. Have a sip of fucking Desperado.

No, I've drank all of that. And now on to the B&M bought Crane Cider, raspberry and pomegranate flavour. How much was that? It was like 89p. I need to taste that. All right. Here we go.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Snow is falling. Snow is falling. Shut up. Ugh. He's smelling it. It literally smells like feet. Really?

What smell that? God, they're terrible. Isn't that feety? No, I'm just... It's a very artificial... It's like Ribena. Smells like Ribena. It't that feety? No, I'm just... It's a very artificial... It's like Ribena. Smells like Ribena. It's that acidity of, like, cider,

but with a kind of belly-rennet vomit smell. Belly-rennet smell. You know what I mean? I like that. Belly-rennet. I'm going to have to damn what's left of this IPA. Hello. I have belly-rennet.

No, no, no characters. Listen, stop... You didn't say any new characters couldn't come in. Right, I've got new characters if you want. I feel sick. Already. I've got new characters. Have you?

Oh, yeah. Go on. Audition one for me right now. Okay. The great and powerful Paul. This is Jensen Henry. Jensen Henry. Yes.

Hello. Hello. Hello, I'm Jensen Henry. And what's your gimmick? I ain't got a gimmick. I'm a real person. Fuck off. Oh, that'll go. Right, I'm going to taste. And what's your gimmick? I ain't got a gimmick. I'm a real person. Fuck off. Oh, that'll go.

I'm going to taste this raspberry and pomegranate cider that smells of stomach lining. Oh. Oh, no. Really bad? It tastes of like... It tastes... Yeah, watery.

That's it. It tastes of watery and it's almost kind of like weak lollipop flavour. What's the ABV? Is it four, like all of these things? I'll check out the Volca hole. It's basically, how is it cider? It's just a... Well, what defines cider?

Four percent? Yeah. It's not bad. It isn't cider. It's pretendably cider, but it's just one of those cheap... It's... It's got 30% fewer calories. It's an Alka-Pop, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean? It's just like an Alka-Pop or one of those Alko-Waters that we've... Crafted by founders and twin brothers. What does that mean? Is it a cult? No, those are manufacturers

of cider. Founders. Yeah. And twin brothers. Ben and Don, the crane twins, from... What the fuck?

It's not real. Brew the finest cranberries alongside apples to deliver this refreshingly crisp cider with raspberry and pomegranate for that delicious fruity taste, that's what it says. I don't like the smell of it. Hang on, I want a taste

of this. I'll be the judge of that. Yeah, you'll be the judge of that. Down it, drink it, double it and drink it. Okay, I'm going to taste some of this. What colour is it we don't know? It's kind of like a cherry aid colour. It's a pinky. Oh, it's just the same. They're all the same. It's the smell I find more off-putting.

It's an acrid sort of smell is what you're talking about. It's vomity. Oh, don't. Vomity, vom, vomity, vom, vomity, vom, vomity, vom, vomity, vom, vomity, vom. Go on, taste it. Dr. Puke. Dr. Pooh. Puke.

No, puke. Dr. Getting that now. Drink it, drink it. Why did you have to say that? Drink it. You could just say anything smells of puke and it starts to smell like puke

because puke smells like a lot of stuff. No, puke has a certain je ne sais quoi. Which is the same as what's in Parmesan. Je ne sais quoi. Pourquoi? I still love you. Je ne sais pas pourquoi. Fine.

It's not horrible, but the smell is really off-putting. But it tastes like weak lollipops. Monsieur, are you enjoying your stay at the Maison de Sausage Mèche et Leuves. Would you care for another skafle? I will have another cracker cracker. Would you like a dessert skafle? This one is condensed milk. You know, like when you put carnation in a tin in a pan of hot water and you boil it for seven days

and it makes it all thick and creamy. Now that flavour is on a cracker. Let's see how this goes down. These are sandwich crackers. I might be sick in my mouth today. Now, these are a totally different thing. It's by Skyflake, but it's got sandwich filling. Gooey.

Oh. Oh. What? You like the smell of that? It's not unpleasant, but you know like those milk sweets? It's got a very milky. Well, that's what it is. Look, it's a sandwich, mate.

Is it a sandwich? It's a double, triple decker sandwich. Well, that's what it is. Look, it's a sandwich, mate. Is it a sandwich? It's a double, triple-decker sandwich. No, it's not, is it? It fucking is. I thought it was like the other one, just three different crackers. Look what's in between. There's a white, gooey...

Oh, there is. That's the milk. Is it? Yeah, that's the condensed milk. Sweet milk. Gooey, sticky centre. Here we go. Merry fucking Christmas.

I'm eating crackers Oh I like those It's less sweet than I thought it was going to be I like that Oh that's really nice There's a real breadiness to the cracker Which is not sweet But then

Oh yeah I like those a lot What did you think? I shan't be eating more of them Because right now I might be sick Why? Because of everything Desperado, cracker, pomegranate

foot smell, belly rennet sweets. Belly rennet. I've brought some snacks that are a bit more on fucking target. Paul, I have to say, I mean, we've tried to think of metaphors for spunk over the year, but belly rennet. Belly rennet isn't a spunk metaphor. Of course it is.

What, it's rennet that comes out of your fucking belly, doesn't it? Oh, he's undoing his belt. I can't. I'm feeling fat, so I've undone me belt. Hello, sir, did you, sir, enjoy his, er, sky flick? No, sky... Sir did not enjoy his sky flick. Sky flick taste of poopoes.

Sky flick taste of scat flick. Right. Eh, eh, eh. Sky flick taste of scatflake. Right. Eh, eh, eh. Skyflake taste of scatflake. Not our best material. Merry Christmas. I'll fucking lap you.

You'll lap me? I'll fucking lap me? You try lapping me, mate. I'll tell you what I've got for you lined up for you, Paul. What? Partridge.

Right, stop. So. No, I'll tell you what else I've got to line up. What? Just listen to this whole list, okay? It's not very long. Don't interrupt me.

Partridge. Peas pudding. Custard. Sausages and mash. Partridge. A pheasant. Jogged hair. Cheese pudding.

Mint sauce. Suet. Right. Cheese pudding. Mint sauce. Suet. Right. Stuffing. That's the other thing we have to get for that episode. What? The Dangerous Davies episode. Yeah.

Stuffing. Suet pudding. Don't you remember? He has it in the thing. Yeah, he has it in the thing. We can get one. I'm sure they can get one. Right.

I've brought snacks. I've brought with me today Maccies of Scotland, which is a crisp brand. And they have made turkey and stuffing festive flavour potato crisps. These all taste like fucking roast chicken flavoured crisps. Same as always. I shall be taking... Round and round it goes every year. Christmas comes round.

What are the ones I've missed? Oh, Eli, look at these fucking crisps here. The new flavoured crisps. They taste of shit and this and that and stuffing and turkey. It doesn't fucking taste of anything. It tastes of roast chicken. It all tastes of roast. It doesn't fucking taste of anything. It tastes of roast chicken. It all tastes of roast chicken. I hate the taste of Christmas.

There's nothing good about Christmas, apart from maybe putting sausages in bacon. Right. I'm going to give it the whole. There's all bits of fucking Skyflake over this dirty muff now. Oh, look, with the finest varieties of potatoes, they say. Who made these crisps? Maccies of Scotland. Who are they?

They're a kind of, you know, small independent, I don't know, fucking crisp makers. Are you aware of them? I got them in B&M. B&M and like everything else. Everything else tonight. Right, here we go. I'm having a huff. Ooh.

Ooh, yeah. Do you want to have a little? I'll let you have a huff. Shake the bag. Wait the drink. Smell like roast chicken flavour crisps. Yeah, but that's quite nice. But it's turkey, isn't it?

Didn't I just say that it would taste like roast... It's not turkey. It says turkey on the packet. Yes, but that's bullshit. Try one and tell me if it's more turkey than chicken. Please. I'll tell you now, it will taste like chicken. Oh, there you are.

It will taste like chicken. I think that smells more of turkey to me. That smells more turkey-ish. No, it tastes like shit yeah as soon as Paul's putting anything in his mouth today he's just not liking

the sensation of eating or tasting I do not like the flavour of this at all it's quite unsubtle isn't it sort of

it's an oregano herby too herby yeah it's herby it's there and it's not it's a herby. Yeah, it's herby. It's there and it's not. It's a weird, I can't describe it.

No, not very nice. Oh, that is not very nice, is it? Were they cheap? Yeah, they were like, again, like a quid or something

from that. But there was another one, like ham and stuffing or sausage and stuffing or something, wasn't it? Worth tasting.

Tell you what, do you want to do a bit of choccy, choccy snacks? I don't know, it's all gumbling. Because I was with B&M and I

went, I found this big tin. You were in B&M and I went, I found this big tin. You were in B&M? Yeah. Surprise, surprise. And I found this big tin of Cadbury's chocolate. But I'd noticed

they were Cadbury's chocolate from Australia. But the tin was like 15 quid and I was like, no. So I looked around the corner and I found the little small box of Cadbury's

favourites. Australian brand. But why? Why would they be from australia they're cheaper here's the thing i don't know why they have them in stock there but i know they are australian because they have flavors that only cabri in australia sell which is one called like old gold and then there's one called morrow and then there's one called cherry right that's right let's fish those fuckers out here's the problem though so i went around the corner saw this mini

box i've got right here of Cadbury's favourites, you know, but they don't have Cherry Ripes and they don't have the Old Gold. They have Crunchy, which we have here,

Dairy Milk, which we have here, Picnic, which we have here, Turkish Delight, which is fries but is somehow included in this pack.

Bizarre. Weird. But fries are huge in B&M, aren't they? Yeah. Because in B&M you get all those other fries things

that you never even hear about, like the raspberry fondant and stuff like that. I fucking like those. I remember being a kid loving those. The raspberry ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the cherry ones as well. Dark chocolate and cherry, whatever.

Yeah, fondant. I love a fucking cheap fondant, mate. So, look, it's got a flake and a whisper, and it's also got the Cadbury Dream, which I don't think they sell in this country anymore, which is that white chocolate. No, fish out the dream. So, let's have a look and see what whisperer, and it's also got the Cadbury Dream, which I don't think they sell in this country anymore, which is that white chocolate. So let's have a look and see what they have to sell. They used to sell the Dream.

They used to? You know what? I've got some chocolate you should taste. It's white, though. You dirty bastard. You dirty... Paul, do you want to taste my white Milky Boy chocolate? No, but would you taste it, white chocolate,

if it had strawberry pieces in it? Oh, they have Boost in here as well, which is, again, another... You don't get those in... I don't think you even get those in the British variety packs, do you? But you get Boost.

All right, hang on. You can buy Boost in a shop. There's no Morrow. Is that one there? I'll pass the Morrow to me. There's Morrow here.

They've got Morrow each. Oh, pass me the Morrow. Dream Morrow. A Morrow, a Morrow, to Morrow, I love you. A morrow is only day away.

You're only an Aussie chalk. Give me one of the dreams. There's two in your pants. I'm warming a dream down in the packet sphere. So we're not going to try the crunchy and the bixie and the turkey. It's not. The mink picky. The minky and the morrow and the chucky and the monkey.

We're not going to try all the familiar flavours that we know in this country. None of those things you said were a familiar flavour to me. Perhaps you'd like to take another pass. Take another fucking pass on that. We're not a nonsense pod. Here we go.

We've had the picnic and the crunching and the whisper and the carry milk and the boost and the Turkish delight. That's right. Don't fight. I've got to get the holy light. Praise Jesus. Mealtime.

Praise Jesus. Joseph's fine. Praise Jesus. God is mine. I'm having a dream. I gotta get the holy light. Praise Jesus. Me with time. Praise Jesus. Joseph's fine. Praise Jesus. God is mine. I'm having a dream. What is dream? What does it say on the packet? Oh, that is, you're not going to like that.

Smooth and creamy white chocolate. I'm not going to like it. It's extremely white. Oh, it's white. And it smells just like a milky bar. Oh, I'm going to eat it for Britain. No, it's solid white chocolate. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah. Neither of us... Well, I didn't enjoy it either, everybody. Paul's being a big baby and making a big... I hate white chocolate.

It makes me feel sick. Happy Christmas, everybody. I'll drink my feet... My belly red it drink. No, that's not very nice, a dream at all. Very sweet white chocolate. I can't do white chocolate. Right, what's the Morrow bar, then?

Packed full of caramel and nougat. Wow. Then coated in Cadbury milk chocolate. It's just a bar they don't make in this country for this market. Wouldn't that be a double decker, then? Maybe it is. We'll see once we get inside. I've never had a morrow.

Why is it called morrow? M-O-R-R-O. I don't know what that refers to. Perhaps it's an Australian thing. Hey, mate. The sun will come out tomorrow. Tomorrow never dies.

I fancy to eat a morrow. Let's have another morrow in my gobbo. Tomorrow never dies. I fancy to eat Amaro. Let's have another Amaro in my gobble. My gobble. Here we go. Let's have a bite of Amaro. Oh, it's got no sniff off. It just looks like an ordinary sort of rectangular.

You know what it looks like? It's quite nice. It looks like one of those snack things. With the biscuit, the Cadbury snacks. There's no biscuit here though. Oh, it's just full of nougat. Oh, it's like a... And caramel.

It's actually quite nice. It's like a Mars bar thing. Kind of. Oh, yeah. It's closest to a Mars. Just a full... It's a full nougat. Well, it's like a fudge bar

but with caramel in it. Yeah, yeah. Mmm. Nice. That's good, yeah. Well, we both agreed on the morrow and we both agreed on the dream. And we know the rest of it's going to be fine.

Mate, shall I get the crackers out? Shall I get my crackers out? Back in the window and get the fucking beer on. Right, let we both agreed on the dream. And we know the rest of it's going to be fine. Mate, shall I get the crackers out? Shall I get the crackers out? Back in the window and get the fucking beer. Right, let's get that out. And get the crackers out. You can pull

and tug my cracker until I spray my gifts all over your face. Can we just not do smoke stuff? I mean, can we just drop it for one sec?

Honestly, Paul. Alright, then you end this segment. Fine. I'll do a little poem. Yeah, go on. Christmas poem. Okay.

It'd come through the snow, a chodney man. He came down the road, the chodney man. He leapt at the door, the chodney man. And who is this whore? The chodney man. Thank you. Oh, what a great Christmas poem. Haunting.

Right, let's get the booze on. Let's get this party going. Right. Have a great Christmas poem. Haunting. Right, let's get the booze on. Let's get this party going. Bye. Have a cracking Christmas at Woolworth, the cracker of a Christmas shopping spree. Woolworth prices, many of them crack down on Christmas.

Woolworth is the place to be Wobblepacking Christmas at Woolworth The cracker of a Christmas shopping spree. Crack down prices, is it any wonder at Christmas, Woolworth is the place to be. Cracking down to Woolworth For a present for Every member of the family Girlfriends, boyfriends Crackerjacks and crackerjills Aunties, uncles, moms

And me I'm a cracking Christmas At Woolworth Hello. It's a place to be Hello, welcome back to the Cheap Show Christmas Party with myself, Eli Silverman. I'm Eli Silverman. Oh, pull my pud, pull my pud, come round here and pull my pud. Skyflakes raining down on me. Oh, the real whale make me... You blew that.

You fucked it. You couldn't even rhyme the word me with anything. Sky flakes raining down on me. Oh, the real rain has melted them and they're made of spunk. No, that doesn't rhyme as well. You had a second pass at that. You still fucked it. I'm not trying to rhyme.

I won't rhyme for you. Here's a rhyme for you. I'll do my own Christmas rhyme. All right. The star of... Oh, yeah. Fuck that up, did you? Fuck that.

The star is in the sky for holy bit Jesus Christ. But Jesus Christ? I hope that when he comes to birth, he is quite very nice. Dear Mary Joseph, in your stable, I hope it's not too bad. Your Jesus Christ is going to be a very lovely lad. Merry Christmas. Jesus Christ pulled off an ox and very lovely lad. Merry Christmas. Jesus Christ pulled off an ox and took a load in his face.

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus, he said to the human race. Oh, God. Meanwhile, the oxen pulled a chunder, blew his load of guts, and then dirty Jesus Christ fucking guzzled it down into his guts. Oh, no. There we go. Oh, no. Merry we go. Oh, no. Merry Christmas, Jesus baby. Right.

I'm depressed. You've ruined Christmas. You know what we need for Christmas? Crackers. We've had a bit of a bite to eat and now it's time for crackers. A little update on that, Paul.

Yeah? The morrow, coffee. It was coffee flavoured. Was it? How do you know that? My taste buds work and I can recognise flavours

it doesn't say coffee anywhere on the label I'm willing to bet you I'm willing to bet you money that morrow I'm going to look it up I'm looking it up online

right well then I'll talk about the crackers that I got Cadbury's morrow you look it up then do you want some of this fucking pale ale? I haven't got a cup free I'm still drinking down

the pomegranate piss wank why? otherwise it goes to waste. Don't we just throw it out the window? It might hit someone who's taking a piss. Exactly, and they don't deserve that. They do. Slash upon slash.

They're trying to piss at my street, think they're unseen. I'm looking at them. I can see them. You're tempting. He pisses right up against my bins. Oh, you dirty bin pisser. Oh, I've overpoured that. Yeah, we're boozing.

Merry Christmas. It's much cloudier, that one, isn't it? Much cloudier. Very cloudy. That might be a mistake. What kind of booze is that? It's another IPA. IPA, which stands for what?

India Pale Ale. Oh, I thought it was India. It's a strong type of beer. I thought it was independently produced ale. No, India Pale Ale from when they used to ship or when they used to be trade routes, the empire, back and forth to India.

And they'd make it stronger for export to India because it meant it kept on the ship journey. Well, that Daddy Gannon. You see what I mean, Paul? That beer to Daddy Gannon. I'm trying to teach you about why that beer is called that. You're not going to have any if you fucking keep going. I'm not doing it for you if you don't listen to me.

This is a... This might be the most drunk I've been recording this fucking show. This is a pressure drop, you might be right. New England pale ale. I'm wrong. Pressure drop? Yes. That's what they're referring to, probably,

because this is fucking hipster bullshit. It's a New England pale ale. Have you tasted it? Did you taste it yet? I haven't done that in a while. Et cetera, yes. Anyway, I've got crackers. I've got...

Have you tasted your New England pale ale yet? Oh, I'll do it now, daddy. Let's have a little taste of that. Jesus. Oh, it's all right. It's a bit more going on than the last one, don't you think? Yeah, I'll do it now, daddy. Let's have a little taste of that. Jesus. Oh, it's alright. It's a bit more going on than the last one, don't you think?

Yeah, because that was like watery. This doesn't have the wateriness, but it's very kind of sharp and bitter. Yeah, bitterness. That's what I object to.

Not bad, actually. Not bad, but that bitterness does linger. It's the bitterness lingering, yeah, at the end. That's the problem. Do you have to

let it linger? Like a bitter old... Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger? Do you have around it. Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to pull my finger? You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger.

Did you have to let it linger? Right, I'm ready for a cracker now. Here we go. Oh, that was so funny, man. I got two for a cracker now. Right, here we go. Oh, that was so funny, man. I got two types of cracker. I think it was like four for three quid. Oh, are there different types of crackers? And then six for seven quid.

So let's do a small one. There are big crackers and there are little crackers. A little cracker. Let's do a little cracker first. I'll probably look first cracker. Here we go. Three, two, one. Oh.

Paul won that one. Right, let's have. Oh. Oh, Paul won that one. Right, let's have a look. Right, you get a joke and a hat and a toy. How much was it for three of these? A quid? I think it was six for the small ones. Six for a quid? For about three quid.

Oh. The hat is very poor. Well, it's a hat. Get that on your head. The hat is very poor. Get that on your head. The goat is white. Oh, it's a very thin paper hat.

About average, though. What's the prize? The first hat is white. It's a very thin paper hat. About average, though. What's the prize? The first hat is red. Same as last year. Oh, those little notebooks. What a load of shite. Absolute shite. It's a joke.

Yeah, let's have a look. I'll give you it and you have to guess it. I have to work out what the punchline is. How do you keep cool at a football match? Take your top off. No, that's not my answer. How do you keep cool at a football match? Take your top off. No, don't. That's not my answer. How do you stay warm

or stay cool? How do you stay cool in a football match? Wank off of referee. Why would that make you cool? Because I'm cool, daddy. Right, it's cool. Yeah, like that.

Hey, look at me. I'm noshing off the ref. Nah, what? They have goals. I'm noshing off the referee. They have goals. They have halves. They have...

Penalty shootouts. Penalty shootouts. A whistle. A whistle. They have goals. They have halves. Yes. They have... Penalty shootouts. Penalty shootouts. A whistle. A whistle. A linesman. Players. What ball? I don't know.

You'll get a kick yourself. You stand next to a fan. Oh, fuck off. Do you want to pull the next cracker? I don't want to. Mini cracker. I'm with my life

after that joke. Mini cracker, pull it. Oh, Eli Whitton. Here we go his winning ways are back again the second hat is yellow the first hat

is red the third one is a black I think it'll be blue the third one is a blue the second hat is red the first hat is yellow And the third one is a blue Come on, fucking

What's the prize you got? I'm putting my hat on And I'll fucking take my time to do it You can leave your hat on Steamy windows Private dancer Steamy from the body. Steamy dancer.

Private windows. Oh, it's a magic trick. What is it? Ah, I bet you're jealous now. I don't know what the magic trick is. What kind of magic trick, mate? What is it? What kind of magic trick?

I don't know. You have to read it. Look, it's got a card. Is it one of those ones where it's like you can guess the number from the number card patch? You know, it's like, tell me where the first two numbers. You can guess the number from the number card patch. You know, it's like, tell me where the first two numbers are. So you can guess the number from the number card patch. I refuse to be taken down by you. Try and speak a bit better, Paul.

Because this is an audio format thing. Hello. I will enunciate it correctly. I don't mean sound posh, just actual words that mean something. Mate, this is coming from the man who invented the phrase Chodney Boroff. Which, as far as I know, aren't words. They are words.

They're not. They're now words. Now, I have three cards. Two of these three cards have just the backs of cards on both sides of the card. Right. One has an ace on one side

and a king on the other. So you put it in between and you say, oh, it's a king. Oh, it's an ace. It's not a very good magic trick, is it? What's the joke? Tell me the joke and I'll guess it.

It's the best bit. That's the best bit. Come on, I'll guess the joke. I'll do it. I'm funny. How do you make... Talk into the mic. I can't,

because the fucking big nafty mufty. Just look. It's very simple to look. Well, look where? Here. How do you... Don't look at the back.

Don't look through it. I'm not looking at anything other than your stupid plump face. Plump face? I don't have a plump face. You do, you have a plump face. I've really hurt my feelings today, Paul. How do you make a jacket last?

You just long strokes. You'll never get this. Oh, you like that it was a wank joke was it yeah oh ladies and gentlemen Paul Gannon

enjoys himself what's the joke again how do you make a jacket last yeah in what context you'll fucking never get this you literally will never get it it's very bad

it's not a pun you make a jacket last by sewing the buttons in time. Why would that make anything? You honestly, you have reached a new level of incoherent nonsense that is spewing out your gob. Jam on over.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, ham sausage. What's the joke then? What's the answer? Do you give up? Yeah. So at least I had a go. Yeah, come on.

What's the answer? Yeah, you give up. Yeah, I do. Yeah, you give up. Say, I give up, Eli. I give up go on what's that you give up yeah i do yeah you give up say i give up eli i give up eli no i give up eli no i give up a few i give him up i just say i give up forget eli you give up forget eli fucking stop fucking stop i'm not gonna tell you i'm gonna eat this and you'll never know i don't really care you don't care you don't care about anything you don't care about anything tell me despite me how do you make a. You don't care. You don't care about anything. Well, then tell me. You don't care about anything

in this world. Tell me, despite me. How do you make a jacket last? Don't know. You make the trousers first. It's quite clever, that. Fuck off. It's quite clever.

You say you like that? Yeah, quite clever, that. Get the big cracker out. Now, these ones were six for seven pounds, right? And they have, apparently, better presence in. Now, does it mean the jokes would be better? It's only a quid more than those.

No, it's a couple of quid more. Two or three. No. Pull it. Pull it. Oh, yeah. Six for five. Were those six for three quid?

Six for three quid. And these were six for five. Six for seven. Seven for eight. Fucking hell. Come on. He's getting a grip. Stop cheating with your grip.

I've got the grip. You're cheating because he's handing it to me. Next time you hand me that, I'll fucking get the grip first. I'm going to get the grip first. Hey, and you tugged it and it didn't fucking work right. It didn't fucking go off either. Where's the snapper? It's a little...

Get off my snapper! Pull the snapper out. I don't think it went off. Yeah, that's what I mean. Pull it off. Wait. There's the snapper. Here we go. Ladies and went off. Yeah, that's what I mean. Pull it off. Wait. There's the snapper. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, the snap. Ooh, there you go. I got the power. Right, I got a little... Oh, it's a little dice. A little plastic metal-coated dice. Don't throw stuff in here. Right, I don't care.

Right, here we go. Joke. Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Oh, fuck off. To get to Wrigley Field. Speaking to the mic or that bon mot will be forgotten. Because he was wrapped up in silver foil. Why am I so bad at this?

Give me a second. Why did the chewing... Stick of chewing gum? Why did the chewing... Stick of chewing gum? Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Think of the most obvious answer. To get to the other side. A little bit less obvious than that answer. Similar to that answer, though.

Yeah. To get to the other tooth. I look across the... You look desperate. The look in your eyes is haunting. I can do this. Can you just give me a second to actually do this

I'm a fully grown man and I'm an English user what about fully grown you're a man what do you mean I'm not fully grown I'm fully you're tiny

you're a little tiny goblin elf I can fully grow I'm Santa's little helper I'll fully grow it's like someone's like grafted an elf onto Santa

and made Eli grafted an elf onto Santa cloned Santa with an elf and made little E-Y. Do you mean cloned? Fucking, I'm not even kidding.

Anyway. Don't tell me! Do not tell me! Go on. You've got three seconds. One, two, three. So he was on the other chew. The foot was on the other

chew. Right, no, that's that. What is it? Why did the chewing gum cross the chicken? Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken. Oh, yeah, that's out of it. What is it? Why did the chewing gum cross the chicken? Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken. Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah. And a trivia. There's a trivia on this. You have to know about previous jokes there. You know what I mean? You have to have some knowledge about other jokes, don't you? What is Shrek's best friend called? What's Shrek's best friend?

That's the question. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. And finally, a sport question. That wasn't a joke about Shrek. These are questions. Sport.

I knew that. That's what you're paying for. You're paying for extra questions. You get a joke and two questions. Yeah. Yeah. What number shirt is worn by a fullback in rugby union?

What number's on this rugby... Rugby... Is it 10? Higher? Higher? 20 for one. Lower. Lower. I it 10? Higher. Higher. 20 for one. Lower. Lower.

I'm not doing this with you. Lower. I literally do not care. Lower. Higher than a six. 15 is the answer. Boom. That's a good shot.

That was a good shot into the bin. Did you see that overhead? Watch this. I'm going to throw this bit of paper now. I don't think you can do it. One, two, three. Off the rim. Off my rim. Do you see that overhead? Watch this. I'm going to throw this bit of paper now. I don't think you can do it. One, two, three. Off the rim. Off my rim.

Do you want another cracker? Now, do not fuck a cracker. I'm not letting you do that because you have to hand me the cracker. Then I take the grip. No, hand me the whole cracker. Thank you. You've already been had a go at this. I might want to use your grip on this side.

All right, go on then. I'm going to get a good purchase this side. All right, go on then. I'm going to get a good purchase and then I... It's only fair, Paul. I'm going to hand you the other side. All right, fine.

Three, two, one. Blam! Nice. Yeah, I think it went. The snap went. Oh, God. It's always the same in this shit, isn't it?

What did you get? Executive golf putting toy. Oh, fuck off. Although, to it? What did you get? Executive golf putting toy. Oh, fuck off. Although, to be fair, it's a little plastic golf stick. I've got one of those. Oh. The third hat is gold. Wow.

You got a gold hat. I've got a fancy one. Mate, that's a good upgrade. I'm going to swap out my yellow piss-coloured one for a gold crown. Yeah. I'm going to get out my golf... Are we going to for a gold crown. I'm going to get out my golf... Are you going to have a go on the golf thing? Here, I'll watch.

Here we go. Here's the ball on the green. All right, I've got... You've got your hole there. I've got my little golf... It's a putter. Here we go. Ready?

You might want to get a better grip with two hands on that. I can't from this angle, can I? I'm just going to have to trust in my golfing instincts. Here we go. Give it some... You have to... Oh, too hard. Fucked it.

Too hard. Do you want to see with this joke, if you can guess this joke? Go on, give me the joke. Yeah, hole in one. You got it in. Yeah, wicked.

It was not a hole in one, technically, was it? It was a second. It was a different hole. You fucking did it twice. What do you mean it was a different hole? It was the first hole.

No, none of these things are true. That was hole number two. No, that was the same hole. No, the first hole I missed. And you had two goals, mean it was a different hole? It was the first hole. No, none of these things are true. That was hole number two. No, that was the same hole. No, the first hole I missed. And you had two goals, so it was not a hole in one. It was, it was a second green. Don't stop.

You see, you build this house of lies about yourself. You can't talk. This denial, this self-fabricated lies about yourself constantly, even when it comes to something like that. I fuck you all. You don't fuck me. Right. I'm going to go. Joke. comes to something like that. I fuck you all. You don't fuck me. Right. Joke.

They're handily there. Oh, I've got a gold one too. They're all gold crowns. Why? How did you get gold one too? I think they're all gold crowns in this patch. Oh, right. Well, you keep your red one on then.

Oh, he's doubling up the hats. I'm doubling up the hats. He knows how to do a Christmas party. Hello there. I'm doubling up the hats. Because I'm from Dublin. Oh, that character's out the door because I'm from Dublin. Oh, that character's out the door.

Right, I can't see shit. Stop opening the crackers. Read your question. Excuse me. Oh, what's this? Are you ready for your joke?

Fucking puzzle shit. Go on, go. Why was Cinderella no good at football? Because she kept missing the ball or she was late for the ball. Or something involving the word

ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Well, your first answer was much better than your second.

Just what's the answer then? Missing the ball is definitely what it is, isn't it? Yeah, well, I haven't read it. Come on then.

Okay, so why was Cinderella no good at football? And what did you say? Because she kept missing the ball. That is much better

than the answer they have. It's weird, I was going to make up a wrong answer, but they literally have something completely different. What's their answer? Because her coach was a pumpkin. What the fuck is that? That's funny, isn't it? You could have written a much better answer. She kept missing the ball.

That's brilliant. What's the coach mean? Paul, I'm really impressed you fucking came up with that. But that's just the obvious joke, though. They seem to have circumvented the obvious joke to go for something that's a bit more with that. But that's just the obvious joke, though. They seem to have circumvented the obvious joke to go for something that's a bit more bleak. Did she actually miss the ball, though, in the story? It doesn't fucking matter, does it? No, she didn't.

She didn't miss the ball. It doesn't matter, though, does it? She got to the ball, didn't she? She was late for the ball. It doesn't matter. No, that's bullshit. It's still better. You are bullshit.

Why have you gone from... Paul, I'm so impressed, dude. Fuck you. Because I just remembered what actually happened in Cinderella and she doesn't miss any balls in Cinderella. Fucking misses the princess balls.

Does she? She yearns for them at night. She yearns for his balls. When she's scrubbing the floor. Grumble fella.

You ready for your trivia? Yeah, I'll get this. I thought you were good, you weren't good. You fucked that joke completely.

No, they fucked the joke. You were impressed by my improvisation. Yes, but your improvisation much like other things, like Rabsy Nesquik, doesn't work. That's yours. I didn't come up with Rabsy

Nesquik. This is your fucking weird look at reality, where things you don't like suddenly become my fault. They are. I'm sure your small, pointless dick is my fault too. Well, I've had a word with God and he told me it was. I'm sorry, Eli. I'm God and I made you a small dicked man because Paul told me to.

Yes, that's exactly what he said. Weird. Were you there? Yeah, I was because I told God to make you a small prick. You told God. You are above God. You tell God what to do, do you? Is that the message? Is that the message to all our listeners?

Yeah. Paul? Yeah. You put yourself above God. Is that what you want to say? I outrank God. Okay, good. Sample that, everybody,

when he's in his court. You ready for your trivia, Paul? Yeah, go on. Don't fucking try and assert me. I'm asking you trivia. Insert you? Don't try and insert you.

But if you did insert me, you could do it with your thumb folded half over and then wait for me to get a raise. Couldn't you?'t you yeah yeah yeah right I can't read this

that's the problem is that because you're an idiot it really is too dark here I might need glasses I mean maybe you do need glasses no it's low light here I can read mine fine

yes because you've got the fucking lights behind you haven't you that's an unfortunate situation for you if a dish is described as mornay that's an unfortunate situation for you if a dish is described as

Mornay that's a Mornay yes what is it served with soup is that your final answer it's the only answer I can give you

what does Mornay mean if I serve something a Mornay you serve it with the actress Rebecca de Mornay a cheese sauce is the answer

oh really it's a cheese sauce I didn't know that. Oh, really? It's a cheese sauce. I didn't know that. Well, I've learned. I've got a question for you now. Go on. This is on the subject of cartography. Oh, cartographers.

Never date them, though, Eli. You know why you should never date a cartographer? Because then you break up. Not only will they tell you where to go, but they'll draw you a map of it. Stinky poo-poo. That was real bad. I misread cartography, by the way.

It's geography. Yeah. Okay, you ready? Well, there you go. How are you on geography? It's fine. You good on geography? Not really.

Fancy chances on this? Yeah? How do you feel you're going to do? Let's see how we go. Do you think you're going to get this one, do you? Do you think you're going to get this one, do you? Why don't you read it and find out? What is the capital of New Zealand?

Auckland. Is that your final answer? Oh, fucking no. You don't know of New Zealand? Auckland. Is that your final answer? I don't fucking know. You don't know, do you? Wellington. Yes. Yeah. I realised Auckland. Can I have a question now, please? Well, here's a joke first. What do you call a row of men waiting for a haircut? Barber line. Oh, very close.

Come on. Adaptation, you can get this. It's obvious. Come on, Eli. You can get it. Barber line. Come on, Eli. What's another? You can get it. Barber line. You were close there. Barber row.

Barber row. Barber row. No. Barber. Barberan. Bar, bar, bar, bar, bar, bar. Barber. Baby bell.

Barber line. What's another word? You're going to fucking kick yourself if you do not get this. Haircut line. Salon line. Studio line. Studio line. Barberline. What's another word? You're going to fucking kick yourself if you do not get this. Haircutline. Salonline. Studio line. Studio line.

Bumline. Bumline. What's another word for barber? Snippest. Snippest line. Hairstylist. Stylist line. Just a stylist line. Cutline.

No. Mate, shall I just tell you? Mulletline. Mulletline? No. Booze. Come on, do you want me to tell you I really I'm so bad at this

everyone's shouting at me you are going to kick at you I don't want to know the answer is barbecue barbecue because barbe-line that's why you're so close

come on tug my tug my cracker look he's doing it again everyone he's pre-loading his grip you've got such a cheating way with your preloaded fucking cracker grip. You've won twice on that. Go.

I win. Right. Oh, it's a little screw set. Tiny screw set. Handy. It's not handy. It's a break. The second hat is silver.

Different colour. Here's your joke. That's a good hat. Right. What are ghosts so bad? Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Come on, you. Because they're fucking devious twats.

No, because they No, why are they bad at lying? Why are they bad at lying? Why are ghosts bad at lying? Because they're transparent. Because you can see right through them. You're exactly right.

Thank you. All right, here's your questions. General knowledge, Mr. Silverman. According to the proverb, when should you not count your chickens? Before they hatch. Indeed you do. And finally, it's a geography question.

I'm ready for it. It's the geography sound. Geography question. I'll do it in the style of that fucking... Someone who can... ...presents University Challenge. What's his name? Bamber Gascoigne.

No, the other one. The one who does it now. Paxman. Paxman. I'll do it in Paxman style. King Conrad Sylvan. Let's see if I never get into that.

Here's your next question for ten pounds. Which cheese shares its name with an English gorge?

Cheddar. Gotta be the cheddar. It's the cheddar. Is that your top cheese, Paul?

I like Cheshire cheese. It's a bit like Wensleydale. I quite like Wensleydale. Is Cheshire what you'd put in a white sandwich? No, usually, with a white sandwich, it would be it's a bit like Wensleydale and I quite like Wensleydale is Cheshire what

you'd put in a white sandwich no usually no with a white sandwich it would be Wensleydale Cheshire it would be Cheshire or Wensleydale's

a good standing yeah but aren't they different colours no they're both white they're both white grumbly and a bit salty so you are now

saying officially on record a Gannon white sandwich could have either Wensleydale or Cheshire. Depending on my location in the country, yes. Right.

Could it have feta? That's another white cheese. Would you- Could it have what? Feta. There's no such cheese as feta. You really are putting your foot in it now. I'll put my foot in you.

Would you? Right up, yeah. Right into my arsehole. I'll put your foot- Would you slaver up your arsehole in small figure and put it into my bum bit? Wait, I've got to put my arse in your arse? How does that even fucking work? No, we'll go.

Look, we'll swather up our arse. How do I get my arse in your arse? Well, you could. Do I punch my cheeks up and just push it towards your rinkty pink? Is that the end of the crackers? I'm well disappointed. Yeah, I want to do one more. Let's do one big gold one.

Because they've got the best prices. There's more. There's loads more. Let's get through them all. Come on. No, I want to do one more. Let's do one big gold one. Because they've got the best prices. There's loads more. Let's get through them all. Come on. No, I can't be asked. Come on. Just pull one more. Can't we do more, please?

Pull one more. Let's do more. We've all got questions in. Come on. We can open two at once after this. Go. Next, me. What's the prize?

It's a little ring. Oh, it's not. It's a little... It's a real diamond. Is it in a ring, though? Is it set in a ring? Yes. It's a real diamond. It's a little ring. Oh, it's not. It's a little... It's a real diamond. Is it in a ring, though? Is it set in a ring? Yes. It's a real diamond.

It's a real diamond. It's a key ring. Look at that real diamond on a key chain. A real diamond. There's me hat. Don't want that. Where's the... Where's the joke?

You pick up the other half of it. It's in there. Where's the joke? Oh, you're lucky. Where's the joke? Yeah. Right, here we lucky. There's the joke, yeah. Right, here we go. Eli Silverman,

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Yes. Now is your starter for ten. Can you ask me that again because my mouth

was totally full of phlegm and it was awful. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Is correct. It's the obvious joke.

Next question, trivia, history. Which of Henry VIII's wives gave birth to Elizabeth I? Anne Boleyn. Yeah. And finally, entertainment. Entertainment. Under what name was Doll G.I. Joe marketed as in the UK?

What was G.I. Joe called in the UK? What's that? Doll, as you say. Doll. D-O-L-L. Oh, the Doll. Not Doll. Would you that doll? Did you say? Doll. D-O-L-L. Oh, the doll. The doll. Not ball doll. Would you know this?

Yeah. It's very fucking obvious. No. That was similar. Mask is mask. Action Man. Yes. Thank you.

You did get it then, didn't you? Two mini crackers. Pull them. Pull them at once. Oh, we're double fisting. Yes. One each. Here we go.

It's Christmas party time. Golf tees. Tees. Fuck off. No one would use those, would they? No. Do you know what I mean? When they give you a practical object,

even that screwdriver set, no one's going to actually use that. It would injure you. What is a pelican's favourite TV show? Is it Swallow Me Whole or something? Or I've Got a Big Mouth? Swallow Me Whole! Is it I've Got a Pointy Beak? Oh, comeallow Me Hole or something? Or I've Got A Big Mouth? Swallow Me Hole! Is it I've Got A Pointy Beak?

Oh, come on. What is it? The Bird Show? The Beak Breakfast Show? What show? The Bird? The Beer? The Bill?

The Bill. I've Got a little puzzle. Yeah? It's shit. It's one of those shit things where you just break the metal and it's done. Fucking shit.

I hate those. Is there one here? There's one here and it's just crap. You just twist it. Just twist it. The answer to all of these is just twist it.

Just sort of force it apart. Yeah. Is that all you do? You take little fingers in and then you squeeze it apart. Is that what you fucking made her do? Yeah. I can't do it.

I can't do it. Ah! Have you cut yourself? No, but I did it. It went right in me fucking... Oh, I did it. There you go. See, just twist it.

The answer to all of these is just twist them. Are you ready for your joke? Hit me with it. Hit me with your best shot. Oh, this is good. It's got fish in it. Go on.

Are you sure you can do this because you know you're allergic to fish? I'm not allergic to the questions of fish. Well, I don't know. Go on. Are you sure you can do this? Because you know you're allergic to fish. I'm not allergic to the questions of fish. Well, I don't know. Go on. It's purely psychosomatic, your whole fish allergy.

A deep-seated. Also psychosomatic. Your ability to turn off women with your visage. Jesus Christ, Paul. I don't think we're going to be able to finish this episode. Fade to grey. That was by visage as well.

Shut up. What's me joke? No, you're short. No, I just want to double check. Sandy Shaw? You're not going to have an allergic reaction to the fish content of this joke.

I have an allergic reaction to your fucking company. Just try and put that out of your mind that this actually involves fish. I will stab you in your gooch with this miniature cracker-based screw set. What did the fish say? I say, Paul. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Damn. Yes. Really? That's awful. That's an old one. And I came up with that. That's an old one. You didn't come up with it.

I mean, the answer. You heard it. You didn't come up with it. Double fist my big golden cracker. Aye. Oh, double win for me. That's because you pre-gripped it, you twat. Oh, there's stuff for the floor, then.

A booklet. That's another holo booklet. Oh, it's got a different cover. It's because you pre-gripped it, you twat. A booklet. It's another holo booklet. Oh, it's got a different cover. It's a bit more classy, but not much. Different cube bits. What's in this one? Hat? Joke? Where's the prize? Give us the joke.

There's two jokes. Give me a joke. Your hat's fallen off. You can have that. Are you ready for a new joke? Nail file. Oh, see. Promise. Do you promise?

Go on. Oh. Are you ready? Yeah. Why was... Go on. You do yours. Why was...

Go on. You do yours first. Sorry. Go on. Go on. So I go first sorry. Go on. Go on. So I go first then, alright.

Why was six... You can't. You fucking can't. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven... Seven... This is the easiest one. Seven followed eight. Fuck off.

Seven, eight, nine. Seven. Fuck off. Seven, eight, nine. Yes. Fuck me. Your joke. Come on. Why do you laugh like a toff? Four, four, four. I don't. It's a different thing I laugh like every fucking week with you.

Yeah. Why did the fish, Jesus Christ. Why did the fish, Jesus Christ? I don't know. I'm sick of this. What was the question? Oh, mate, this is pathetic. Shall I read it out?

No. Come on. Why did the strawberry get a lawyer? Because it was. Come on, mate. It's right there for you. Why did the strawberry need a lawyer? Get a lawyer.

Because it was being sued for fraud. Why did the strawberry need a lawyer? Get a lawyer. Because it was being sued for fraud. No. Something to do with where would a strawberry be? In a field. Yeah, but what after it had been processed?

In a punnet. No, if it had been put into some kind of product. In a rich oligarch's bumhole. Are you giving up? A sheik's bumhole. Are you going to give up?

You kick yourself. Someone's put a strawberry in a meatus. Why did a strawberry need a lawyer? Because it was in a meatus. You'll kick yourself. Go on.

Are you sure? Because it was seed. Where would strawberries be? In a pie. In a trifle. There's never a strawberry pie. In ice cream. Has anyone heard of a strawberry pie?

I'll give you a strawberry pie. Try and get my crust upon your seeds. a strawberry pie? I'll give you a strawberry pie. I'm going to rub my crust upon your seeds. Oh, really? I don't know. What's the answer? Come on, mate. You can get this.

I'm disappointed in you. Paul has to read, and if he doesn't do it soon, he'll weigh his pants. So, please read me the answer. Okay.

Why did... I'll go over the joke again one more time. Please don't... Why did the strawberry get a lawyer? I'll piss my pants. again one more time. Please don't go... Why did the strawberry... I really, genuinely, more than anything... Why did the strawberry get a lawyer? I'll piss my pants.

Because the strawberry, Paul, was in a jam. Nice. The strawberry was in a jam. Question, Eli. Geography, what is the capital of Australia? Oh... Canberra? Is correct.

Finally, entertainment. In the movies, who plays the role of Isabella Swan you're not going to get this I'll put 100 pounds on the table right now that you won't get this in the next 20 seconds Meryl Streep

no Glenn Close who was it it's a forgotten oh you've lost it now you've forgotten who it was

you're so I found it I put it in the bin because I thought I was so cocky with the answer. Who is this one? Who is it? The character.

Kristen. Kristen Thomas. Kristen Bell. Kristen. Kristen Stewart. I think it's a character from Twilight. Oh.

I have to pee. This segment ends right now. No, I've got two more questions. I've got to pee me willy. Geography. Wee wee time is coming. Which is the largest which is the largest volume freshwater lake in the world?

Oh, don't say that. Freshwater lake. What's the largest lake in the world? Fresh volume water. Loch Ness. Superior. What's more superior than that? Entertainment.

The name of the lake is superior. I've never heard of it. Come on, quick, quick. What is the name of the... Paul's going to wee his pants. What is the name of the mother goddess that the Na'vi worship in Avatar? Er, Shiva. Iwa.

Who gives a fucking... Fucking Avatar. What a load of fucking shit. Merry Christmas. I have to pee. I've got to do it. Are you going to press stop? I have to.

Bye, everyone. Paul has to wee-wee. Go on. The latest, greatest, ever-more spectacular World of Christmas show. The EMI Supercrow. Go on. It'll start your year with ease. Stupendous and amazing value in toys, I'll tell you. Fisher-Price, here, that looks nice. The baby-proof safe game. The speak and spell.

That is correct. Makes other toys look tame. And once they've played with Vectrex, they'll never be the same. It's the latest, greatest, ever more spectacular World War Christmas show. And ladies' knitwear. Look at them star-pleading. Look at the colours. And all these for only £5.99 each.

Stupendous value. Hooray! Eric Bristow Dark, eh? Yeah. Fancy meeting you. Video and TV units. Self-assembly, too. Remington's great popcorn maker.

Steady on there, lad. A colour set. Remote control. Here. That can't be bad. Big value quality sweet in a jar. Thank you. things to choose from bargains galore in the late straight even more spectacular oh where's me booze? Merry Christmas A book of balloons A book of balloons Snow is falling all around you

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Chard on. Chard on Eli I have soup Eli Eli All the mamras Eli This is the most important part of the show Is it? Why? It's the Fucking Price of Shite It's the fucking Price of Shite

It's the fucking Price of Shite Oh it's the fucking Price of Shite And that's a Christmas edition Woah So Eli I have got you Okay so here's the deal Oh it's that fucking Price of Shite And that's a Rock a rock a bite Christmas edition Woah So Eli I have got you Okay so here's the deal

That's a fucking deal mate I have got you A Christmas present This year for Christmas For Christmas For all your hard work I got you a lovely Christmas And here it is

I'm actually going to show you Oh It's all wrapped Now it's I'm going to keep it I feel quite embarrassed I'm going to keep it I didn't get you one

Yeah I know I know It's funny that innit Well I did You didn't You've done nothing I just haven't keep it I feel quite embarrassed because I didn't get you one yeah I know I know it's funny that innit well I did you didn't you've done nothing I just haven't wrapped it you haven't

I'm not eating sky flakes as a fucking Christmas present no dog lozenges I'm not fucking having dog lozenges you are it's not even a dog lozenge we have to taste these dog

they're grey's herbal tablets they'll be good for what ails you they might be good for your back they're not going to be good for my back they might be good for your back mate anyway they're established over be good for my back. They might be good for your back, mate. They were established over 100 years, these dog lozenges, right?

Here's the thing, though. Listen, don't say I didn't get you anything because I got you these dog lozenges. All right, thank you for the dog lozenges. We'll be tasting these. Dog lozenges. Dog lozenges. What did you get me, then? I'm sorry I didn't get you anything.

Well, here's the thing. You'll only get this present if you get three out of the four prices right. How am I going to get three out of four right? If you are, it's Christmas, right? So here's the deal. If you're 50p either way. I get between 50p? Oh, that's a very baggy either way on the between, isn't it?

It's like an either way on the between, Paul, who's had elephant cock in it. And it's widened it. We should have stopped drinking a while ago, mate, is what the problem cock in it and it's widened it. We should have stopped drinking a while ago, mate, is what the problem is here. It's really widened it. It's widened it twice as wide as it was before.

Not 25p either way. It's a whole 50p. Right. Here we go, Mr. Silverman. Very wide sleeves. I have four Christmas presents. How am I going to get... And what happens if I fail at this, Paul How am I going to get... And what

happens if I fail at this, Paul? Then you don't get a present. And then we don't get to even see what the present would have been? No. It just goes from here. I get to have it for myself and I keep it. No, I don't want to play. Here's the thing. If you do win it, you can also... You won't get a dog lozenge. Alright?

So wait. They are off. Dog lozenges are out there are levels to this not only if you win it do you win it but you can also trade it in for a mystery bonus

so you can even swap it out for the bonus prize before I've seen what it is yeah you can either go with the winning

or go with the bonus prize I like the look of that it's a chunky boy isn't it over there you know you haven't seen what the bonus prize looks like yet Paul did you invent this whole game or was this another bespoke prize to show?

No, I invented this. I've bought all four of these items. Oh, well done. So what are the rules? 50p either way for a between. And you're saying I need... Wait! Wait!

Wait! Let me explain. I've got four Christmas presents, each one at a price, right? You have to look at the presents and then guess the price. And this is how betwings are garnered, yes. And if you are 50p under or over the actual price, I will You have to look at your present and then guess the price. And this is how betwings are garnished. And if you are 50p under or over the actual price, I will allow that to be a betwing.

If you get three out of the four betwings, you'll get your present. You mean, it's not out of the four, because there's, if there's four items, that's eight possible betwings. Am I still getting two betwings

on the nose? Don't forget about the betwings. All this means is that you win your Christmas present. think about, forget about betwings. Because here's the thing. Now you're insulting me.

No. You're insulting everyone. Here's the thing. You're insulting the listeners of this show, Paul, and you're insulting our history, our shared history,

and you're insulting me, personally, on a deep level. Betwings are our creation. Betwings are an organic creation and a concept

that arose through our creative hotspot. Yeah? Through the hotspot it came. Like a crevice an organic creation and a concept that arose through our creative hotspot yeah through the hotspot it came like a crevice

on a flesh volcano so how many points do I get if I get it on the nose you know what I've just revised the game oh fuck

fuck off you're not getting anything fuck off go home why I'm home already I'm in the maze of the flash no here's the thing I've now written down I'm bored now of this. I'm in the maze of the flash.

No, here's the thing. I've now written down the prices on four pieces of paper. You've changed the rules. Why? So you can match the price to the present. You never thought this through.

I'll tell you what, if you get two out of the four correct, you'll win your present. All right. But if you win the present, then you can go to the bonus swap where you want to swap the big one. So there's no betwings?

No betwings. I think this is a travesty. It's a betwing per correct association price to swap the big one? So there's no betwings? No betwings. I think this is a travesty. It's a betwing per correct association price to present. All right? So there are only four betwings available now under these new rules. So what you said about 50p... Okay, here's the thing.

Baggy sleeve, 50p way, 50p either way. Forget it. No? That's done. You match the price, you win the price. I was so excited about that, Paul. About the opportunity of getting 50p out and still earning a betwing.

Do you want a betwing or do you want a real present that you'll keep forever and cherish? I'd like both. Because one is an abstract object. Why? You can have a betwing for every correct association.

It doesn't cost you nothing to give me a betwing. Does it? You can have a betwing for every correct association between price and present. So the 50p, just to be clear, the 50p either way between the you said

is irrelevant now. It's not happening. Because I've given you the prices. Alright? What are my four prices? Well, I'll tell you them after we've seen the price. Can I open one of these fuckers up?

Right. So, yeah. Which one do you want to open first? We've got four presents. Oh, that one you've got in your hand. Let's have that one. This one? Yeah.

Alright, here's your first present, Mr. Silverman. Now, you can keep any of the presents that you get here for real without winning them. You one? Yeah. All right, here's your first present, Mr. Silverman. Now, you can keep any of the presents that you get here, for real, without winning them. You can keep them. No worries. This is a Hot Wheels toy. Nice.

Oh, I want this one. You can have any of these. This is not a problem. If you want any of these games or any of these presents. This is a fast foodie. You can have them. And I think it's a different... I have a Hot Wheels that is a donut. And a fast foodie. You can have them. And I think it's a different... I have a Hot Wheels that is a donut.

And a taco or something. And a taco. Are these from that same... It's the same range. Fast foodie range. And there's five of them. So I now have three out of the five. Yes, three out of the five.

He's got a burger. Buns of steel, that one's called. And it is a car with fries coming out. Yeah, but there's fries coming out the front as well. On top of the car. Nice detailing. It's almost like a truck, isn't it? It's a truck with a burger on the back

and fries coming out of the cab. That's where they're coming out of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's nice, isn't it? Yes. Do you like it? I have thoughts about how much these cost because I did buy these.

Eli, all you need to know right now is that if you want that, that's yours to keep. I think I know how much this is. All right. Okay, well then, keep it in mind. Now, again, I'm just going to say this to you so you've, that's yours to keep. I think I know how much this is. All right. Okay, well then, keep it in mind. Now, again, I'm just going to say this to you so you've got it clear in your head. I think I'll know.

Anything I reveal, you can have if you want it. This is outside of the game. Instead of... No, you can have the big prize as well. What I'm saying is... I do want this. Then you can have that. That's yours to keep.

But that's just happening. That's a Christmas present for you. That's happening. That's happening. That's yours now. No matter what happens now, that's happening. No matter what happens, that's... No matter what happens, that's Steve.

See if I can get this in the bin again. Here we go. He's going to throw the wrapping paper in the bin. Wanked it right off. I really did. And then you feigned an injury in your shoulder. No, I have got an injury in my hand, actually, Paul. Christmas, Christmas.

Right, what do you want next? The slim boy. The slim boy. Right, slim boy. Open up the present. What do you think it is? It feels like some cutlery or something. Oh, interestingly. Or a tool of some sort. Interesting Slim Boy. Right. Slim Boy. Open up the present. What do you think it is? It feels like some cutlery or something. Oh, interestingly.

Or a tool of some sort. Interesting that you say that. Or a spanner. You will never guess what that is, but you're so close you don't even know it. It's a spanner or a spoon or something. What do you think it is? Open the present. It's on a card.

I hope it's mint on card. Yes, it is mint on card. Buns of Steel was mint on card. It's all been mint on card. The Bands of Steel was mint on card. It's all been mint on card, mate. And it's a nice wrapping with penguins on. I've wrapped this myself with penguins on. It's Christmas. I've made Christmas presents for Eli.

Oh, it's a padlock. It's not. It's a chopper. It is. I'll tell you what it is. It is a prop that you can buy in the merch store at the London Dungeon. And it's a penis severer. It's a replica penis chopper.

Oh, that's a terrible thing. Can I read what it says on the back? Horrible piece of crap. Because it says on the back everything you need to know without it actually committing to the facts, right? Let me read it to you. Many methods of torture apply specifically to the male or female victims. For men, this gruesome device was used as a punishment for sexual crimes

and sometimes simply Because they were homosexual Does it say that on the back of that? Yes, often used as a prelude To execution, the removed part Penis everybody Is that true? It's a penis chopper I never heard about this

I thought you just hung the guy No, it's a replica Often used as a prelude to execution The removed part, together with intestines And other organs, will be thrown into the fire It just hung the guy. No. It's a replica. Hangs rather. Hangs the guy. Often used as a prelude to execution, the removed part, together with intestines and other organs, will be thrown into the fire as the victim watched. And now,

you've got a replica penis chopper. Will it actually chop my penis, though? Have a look at it. What do you make of it? Is it like a magic trick where it's a fake guillotine? No. Is it a cigar cutter?

It looks like a cigar cutter, but it's for penises. It's a replica penis chopper that they thought was appropriate for merch at the London Dungeon. But it's dull.

It's simply... I mean, you could a la force sever a penis with it but it would be the most painful There's no knife blade in this.

So it's just purely for decoration. Say, look, I've got a penis chopper. Yeah, I've got a replica penis chopper. That's one of the worst things I've ever seen

it really is is the London Dungeon even still open? yeah it's still open where is it? next to

London Bridge no it's London Bridge isn't it? London Bridge Station next to that that's not the London Dungeon

it is no it is because they also have the London Bridge experience over the road that's why there's

been a frisson between the two because it's two different companies where's the London Dungeon then? London Bridge

Station mate is it really still? you go up the station and you walk towards the arches and it's down the road I Bridge Station, mate. Is it really still? You go out the station and then you walk towards the arches and it's down the road. I bet it hasn't survived COVID. It's still open.

I bet it isn't. Anyway, that is your second prize. That's terrible. I'm going to show it to the camera. Did you buy that second hand? Are these the prices? So I can know, Paul. Snippy, snippy.

Snippy, snippy. Snippy here. Is that the noise you'd make? Is that your acting? Snippy, snippy. How much dick the noise you'd make? Is that your acting? Snippy, snippy. How much dick are they cutting off here? I saw that someone... There's a place in Wafflesay

you can buy a fucking meter of sausage. Well, now you can chop it down with this chippy chippy. Here's the thing, though. Oh, I've had a lovely day at the London Dungeons looking at Jack the Ripper, torture, the plague,

the fire of London, all the waxworks. I'm going to remember this day by going out and buying a tool designed to torture. That's what I'm taking away from today.

It's like a replica. I'm going to put it on my shelf. And they branded it as well. It's the weirdest thing. It's just terrible. I bet there was a pair of handcuffs. I bet a proper penis chopper didn't look like that.

It was probably bigger because maybe the penises were smaller back then to get through the hole. Ah! I nearly chopped my finger off. That is a terrible, awful thing. And it's a piece of crap.

And that's item number two. I bet that has no historical accuracy whatsoever. No, it has an obvious historical accuracy to it. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. Of course it does. That's why they're selling it. If I looked on Wikipedia now and said, what does a penis chopper offer look like?

It would not look like that. But it wouldn't have the London Dungeon logo printed on it. It wouldn't even look like that. No, I know. But it would. That's the point of why they're selling it. It's a replica of a proper piece of torture from medieval times. And now you can take this penis-severing device home with you

and have it as a talking point on your fucking mantelpiece next to your pictures of your child's graduation. Where, where, what? If I'm on a date, can I go, look, I chopped my knob off. Hello, love. Hey, love, come back tomorrow, yeah? Have a coffee. Is it too big? I'll take a tip off. I had to fucking chopped my knob off hello love hey love come back tomorrow have a coffee is it too big I'll take a tip off

I had to fucking chop my knob in half it's too big I had to chop my knob in half it is too big right no thanks but it's still split

right I opened third item here we go Mr. Silverman open this one oh I didn't see this third item in Christmas

Eli's price of shite present hunt what have you got here then what is it item in Christmas Eli's Price of Shite present hunt. What have you got here then? What is it? As seen on TV. As seen on the QVC channel probably in the advert break. It's mint on card. All of these minty minty cards. Now the first two items were

bought in the same charity shop in Muscle Hill. This one I got from B&M. This is Blizzard Bubble. Yeah. Create a blizzard. Create a blizzard create a blizzard of bubbles it's a bubble blower but it blows millions of tiny bubbles

but you blow through it yeah so you dip it in the bubble mixture and then you blow thousands of mini bubbles it's got lots of tiny little yeah give it a go

well open it up and give it a dip for the camera it'd be good it'd be like Christmas bubbles alright let's see he's getting into it now he's using his we don't want to getting into it now. He's using his... We don't want to get it onto the Zoom.

He's using his sausage-type meat fingers to get into this packaging. There he goes. Like looking at a monkey trying to... Fucking shut up. ...open a banana. Here comes Captain Sausage Fingers. I refuse to be called that.

That trotterter knuckled fuck shut up look at him it's like watching a fucking it's not like it's like watching a it's like watching a pig peel an orange

it's like watching a fully grown man with full use of his very dexterous if short fingers no which match the rest of my physique

no yeah it went in the bin straight in the bin nice throw No. Which match the rest of my physique. No. Yeah, it went in the bin. Straight in the bin. Nice throw. 10 out of 10. What do I have to do with this? I don't know.

You threw the instructions in the bin. No, they're on the back. Please help me because you have more lights over there. What do I do? Unscrew this. Open Blizzard Bubbles liquid container. I'll open the liquid already first. Two, brush enough liquid into the yellow cap, just enough to cover the holes.

Squeeze gently, do not overfill. Okay, yeah, you just sort of... Blow. Milk it onto here. Should I do this in... I think you have to unscrew... No, you don't unscrew it, you just pour it in. You just squeeze it over the bubble holes.

Yeah, he's squeezing it in the bubble holes. We're filming this for patrons, if you're interested. You can watch it at patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Merry Christmas. Yeah, he's squeezing it all in. Yeah, you might want to sit back because it might be quite a lot of bubbles. He's about to blow the bubbles off. Here we go.

Here we go. Sit down. We want to see this on camera. It doesn't matter about that. I'll explain. It does matter because they'll get soap into the zoom mic. Just blow the bubbles. Hey!

Shit! Is that it? Well done, Paul. Is that it? Yes. Bubbles and you squeeze it on the holes. I thought you'd dip it in. Mate, what an awful bag of bollocks.

I'm going to rub it and have a go. I don't want your lips on my lips. Unless it's potted down. Alright, I'm going to it and have a go. I don't want your lips on my lips. Unless it's party time. All right, I'm gonna skiv it a go. Here's the bubble mixture. Maybe you need to squirt more in than I was getting into. Yeah, maybe.

Oh, it's all dripping down the sides. Yeah, nice. It's all dripping down the sides of the mouth. Here we go. You watch me. Don't get it on anything in here. Oh, it's gone on your leg. That's better, yeah. That's what you need to do. They're not coming and picking up on the camera though. Oh, it's gone on your leg that's better yeah that's what you need to do they're not coming

picking up on the camera though oh it's working now yeah it's going all over the zoom mag it's fine really is this okay is what's happening now

merry Christmas bubble look at all the bubbles in the air millions it's pretty cool actually has to be said it's a lot of fun yeah and I enjoyed

puffing my bubbles. I'm going to inhale some of these fuckers. Here is the fourth. Pass me the lager. No. Get up. Pass the beer.

Get up. When you get up on your chair and you speak to the microphone properly you dirty nutty boy. Get up. There's still bubbles in the air.

Come on. Hang on, Wang. Why are you doing that? Hello? Hiya. Where'd you get off? Turnpike? You got off at Turnpike Lane?

Okay. Fucking what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get the bus down. It's only like three or four stops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call me when you come outside.'s only like three or four stops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call me when you come outside. Just ring the bell.

Don't you think I should meet this person? It's number two. Ring the number two and you'll get in. All right? No, looking forward to it. Yeah, cool. See you in a bit. We've got some booze for you.

Looking forward to what? All right, see you in a bit, Sally. All right, take care. Bye-bye. What? What? Don't you think... Sally should be in a bit think Sally's going to be

in a bit she's going to come in you'll meet her in half an hour or so I think it should be more formal if she's going to be working with us

she's fine she knows it's fine what do you mean she's fine it's alright listen what's your relationship to this person she books for the show

that's it she just got in touch with her on Facebook why is she coming around when we're she's coming around because she's part of the cheap show staff

isn't she how is she part of the cheap show staff isn't she how is she part of the cheap show staff now because she books the act do you not pass this with me I don't know who this person is I don't need to run past shit with him

this could be someone fuck's sake mate but honestly Paul what's going on I don't even want to do the rest of the show now last item come on what are you doing

playing at remember we were looking for the big prize fucking hell big prize here for Eli if he gets his presents right. Wait, what is it? Trivial Pursuit!

It's not just any Trivial Pursuit, is it? Adult! It's a naughty adult version, it says. And it says edgy. Edgy. Trivial Pursuit that leaves its mark. How does it leave its... Do you know? I know why. I'll tell you. I can't get any paint on this sofa again. Give me this.

I'll show you what it is. I can't get paint on the sofa again. It's not paint. So, it is Trivial Pursuit. If it's glitter, I'm not doing it. It's Trivial Pursuit, right? But it's Trivial Pursuit with a difference. The edges are all kind of edgelordy.

But if you get a question wrong... The edges are all edgelordy. Yeah, if you get a question wrong... The edges all edge lordy yeah if you get a question wrong the edges are edge lordy what edges? the questions well say questions if you get it wrong

you get stamped on the head with this stamp oh fuck you get a little stamp and you get a stamp see look at this oh what does it say I'm a dick

no it just says a cross oh that's cheap it should say I'm a dick so every question you get wrong you get now stamped on the fucking head. I've got stinky wee-wee. That would be another thing you could put on there. There are rules to this. I've got separating nipples.

Or smell my milky essence. Or John Joe's done a poo in my... Shut up! Fucking hell. Or, or... Eli, I'm going to read five questions out of the card. I was like Bats Batman. I'm going to read out five questions off this card.

I've got a fanartle. And for every one you get wrong, I'm going to stamp you on the head with that stamp. Susan ate my vegetable, Maya. You ready? You say when and I'll pick out any card. You fucking get stamped. You have to have the opportunity to get stamped. Yeah, you'll take turns, but you're first.

So say stop whenever you want. You twat. Do you want this card or the one below it? This card or the one below it? Why? So you know I don't cheat. The one below it. Right, fine.

I'm going to ask you five questions. Can you pass me my beverage, please? For everyone you get wrong, I'll There you go, love. Drinky, drinky. For everyone you get wrong, I'll stamp you on the head with that stamp. I think there are more rules to this, but I can't find the rules cards. Well, do I get five questions after this?

Yeah, and then you can stamp me on the head. Here's your first question. Be gentle with the stamp. Here's your first question. In India, what should you avoid doing with your left hand? Eating, putting on your shoes, or scratching your head. Which one of those shouldn't you do in India with your left hand? Eat.

Eating is correct. Yes. Apparently, the left hand is considered unclean because it's used for less noble acts like wiping your bum. Wipe your bum with it, yeah. That's it. Next question, two. He's doing all right. Good boy.

I love him. Doesn't that sound like a good way of wiping your ass wipe your bum with it says he next question two he's doing alright good boy I love him doesn't that sound like a good way of wiping your ass what with just soap and water on your hand yeah do you know what I mean I don't see the issue with that

you'd have to wash your hand afterwards again separately but yeah which you do anyway I guess if you wipe your bum all yeah I like to wipe my

I always wipe my do you wash your hands after you poo I bet he doesn't what kind of question is that he doesn't does he of course I fucking do you dirty I wash your hands after you poo? I bet he doesn't. What kind of question is that? He doesn't, does he? Of course I fucking do. You dirty...

I wash my hands all the time, especially in these COVID times. Don't stop trying to fucking hygiene shame me. I will not have it. He's a shithanded knuckle fucking fuck. You shut up. Hey, Merry Christmas. Next question.

The company Oh My Bod does not produce a belt buckle you can store a condom in, a Bluetooth-enabled vibrator, or the launch pad, whatever that is. Does it say whatever that is? No, I've added that because I do not know what a launch pad is. The launch pad. You're right. The launch pad.

You're totally looking all of these up right now, aren't you? No, I'm not allowed to. I didn't even know what the answer means. What does a launch pad mean? I think the launch pad is a sex toy. I've never heard of it. I see my working here. Now, give me the all three answers again.

A belt that contains a condom in, a Bluetooth-enabled vibrator. See, that sounds like a launch pad. I think those two, the two second things sound like both. Things. Like, yes, like technological sex toys, essentially. A launch pad is probably

some kind of fucking vibrating pad. A big vibrating fucking... Maybe in a poultice sort of configuration. Like a gooch. Like a gooch poultice that you strap on, maybe you get it

and all swarfigured up. Like a gooch poultice. No, you fucking... You just laver on some swarfigure, yeah. And then you get the gooch pad on. Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Like a gooch pulse. No, you fucking use lava on some swarfigure, yeah. And then get the gooch pad on. Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Yeah, wob, wob, wob, wob.

Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Different frequencies, different reactions. Drum and bass on my balls. Yes. All right, next question. So far, you're two for two. Oh, I got that right.

Yeah, you did. Next one. So the odd one out was the condom in the belt, yeah? Is that right? Yes. No, you were right. The odd one out. Next one. So the odd one out was the condom in the belt, yeah? Is that right? Yes. No, you were right. The odd one out is launch pad.

That was the one that they don't produce. That's not what I was going to say. Well, then, I'm going to have to give you a stamp for that. That's one stamp. Bank it.

I was going to say that... I'll bank it for the end. All right. All right, next question. I was going to say that the condom... Question three. I was going to say the condom in the belt was the odd one out.

Yeah, well, you're wrong. It was the launch pad. I was wrong. According to statistics... He'd never be that was the odd one out. Yeah, well, you're wrong. It was the launch pad. I was wrong. According to statistics... He'd never be that honest about anything. According to the statistics published by the site itself, what percentage of listings on Pinterest contain a spelling error? Erriger.

Erriger. Everything again. Erriger. According to statistics Good word to get wrong there Paul Published by the site itself What percentage of listings on Pinterest Contains spelling mistakes

5, 12 Or 20% of posts Contains spelling mistakes 5, 12 or 20 I think it's 20% The answer is 12 2 stamps for Eli. Next.

Question four. Three. What was the movie The Full Monty called when released in China? Was it called Street Penises, Go Naked Pigs, or My Comrades Have Hairy Balls? Which of those three titles? One of those is true. Is true.

Street Penises. Street Penises. As in Penises of the Street. Yeah. Right. Street Penises, Six Naked Pigs, All My Comrades Have Hairy Balls. Which one of those is the Chinese title

for the Full Monty, the whimsical British northern comedy about male strippers? It's got to be Six Pigs, because they're pigs. Okay, well, if you say so, you are correct. It is Six Naked Pigs. Yeah. That's a weird fucking title. Six Naked Pigs. six pigs because they're pigs okay well if you say so you are correct it is six naked pigs

yeah that's a weird fucking title six naked pigs yeah but that actually refers to the movie more than the other two anyway

because it's about striptease men doing striptease yeah yeah they're naked and they're pigs but they're not pigs it's rude innit they're just chunky bunky men in which

Samson Bowen Cohen movie does the main character not show his penis? Is it Borat, Bruno or The Dictator? Which of those

do you not see the character's penis? Or a penis, I guess. Which one of those films do you not see a penis? The Dictator. The Dick Potato.

The Dictator. No, it's Borat. Apparently, the worst is you see him in a mankini. Yeah. But you see penises in the other two.

Is that three stamps? Three stamps. No, one more question. Here we go. What did the US... No, it can't be three stamps. You're full of shit. You got the second one wrong.

You got the third one wrong. And then you got that one wrong. So this is the final question. I've only got one right. It's six questions. And you've got three wrong so far. And two right. And this is the last one.

I've got two right, though. Yeah did the u.s government add to some alcohol to curb illegal drinking during prohibition are you talking english it just sounds like you're making a lot of gibberish noises now and it has done for it let me try again fuck me what did the u.s government add to some alcohol to curb illegal drinking during prohibition? A dye that turned blue, poison or epicac? How is epicac spelt? I-P-E-C-A-C

epicac epicac Stop saying it epicac. Stop, I can't think of anything else now. Epicac What are the other two answers die I fucking

I got drunk last night shat the bed it was an epic cack I'll tell you that for a minute what did the government add to booze was it a die that turned

your urine blue poison or epic cack I want to say epic cack because I don't know what it is but I'll say a die that turned your

blue blue blue the answer, blue, blue. The answer is they added poison. At least 30 people died in New York City by poisoned alcohol during the 1926 Christmas season. Jesus, what? Mate, I get to stamp you four times. And don't be harsh. Don't be harsh with it, man.

Don't be hurting my head with it. Just be gentle tonight with me. One. No, that was too hard. Two. Come here, it gives you cheek. Three. Three.

You pushed it away. You've done it another two times, you cunt. I'm... Four. Right there, on your chest. Beast! Fuck you. That better come off easy, because I am...

It comes off really easy. I'm working professionally As an actor tomorrow It's time for me To ask you questions It is Actually I have to go

Wee wee pee pee again Oh fuck sake mate What's wrong with your bladder? I've been drinking I've got to go pee pee You've entertained them Entertain the audience. I'm going to look at my phone.

Avoid the crowds this Christmas. Shop in comfort at your Newsforce newsagent. There's a tremendous choice of cigars, greeting cards galore, chocolates, sweets and things to eat, fizzy drinks for the party, gifts and toys for girls and boys, local newspapers packed with action,

daily papers full of news, comics and annuals for Christmas laughs, and lots more besides. So don't waste your time rushing around this Christmas. Pop into your Newsforce newsagent where you see this sign. There's a time for giving. There's a time for buying presents.

Though it's hard to find enough time to spare. But there's a thousand answers here at Woolworth A thousand ways to say you care EMI recording tapes Perpax cases for cassettes or discs New Blitz prices make them super value Pick quick superstars you mustn't miss Computer perfection, electronic

playmate, value for the family. Simon's the name for a great computer game. Christmas brings the Beatles back on MFP. There's a time for giving. There's a time for buying presents.

Though it's hard to find enough time to spare Ideas enclosed for everyone But there's a thousand answers here at Electric Value You can count on With names like

Phillips and Clairol too A fast hair dryer And here's another flyer A shaver for the fella who means most to you Polaroid 1000 with a christmas bonus bikes for any member of your family benetton royal alarm clock radio envoy watches for you to see christmas paper cards and wrapping

christmas trees and lights and trappings Gonna be a starry Christmas day There's a thousand dancers here at Boomer A thousand ways to say you care I'm back. That was a lovely pee. Did you hear it? Right, do you want a card now?

Your turn. It's time for you to get stamped, my friend. Yeah, you were. Do you think you beat me? I didn't do very well there. You got three out of six, didn't you? Half and half, 50%. Yeah, so three stamps upon thine face.

Where are the fresh cards here on the right? Whatever, I've only used one, so you've got loads to choose from. So I just go... Whatever you want, mate. There's six on one card. Yeah, only used one, so you've got loads to choose from. So I just go... Whatever you want, mate. There's six on one card. Yeah, just pick one card. Tell me when to stop.

Stop. Okay. Yeah, that one's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. It's just as good as the other... I literally... You need to put the big light on. Put your big phone on again

like you did before. You like that? Put my big phone light on. Where's the... Where's my fucking phone then? Come on, love. You're handing me my phone. I'm sorry.

Where is it? It's too fucking dark in here Come on, love. You're handing me my phone. I'm sorry. Where is it? It's too fucking dark in here. It's not too dark. Your eyesight is buggered by years of abuse. No, it's not. Have I been abusing my... Oh, it's the wanking. Yeah.

You know that's like a Victorian thing, to stop people from touching themselves and expressing their sexuality to themselves, you know? It's fucking... Don't look at me like that. Merry Christmas, everyone. You're perpetrating a fucking, you know it's fucking don't look at me like that Merry Christmas everyone you're perpetrating a fucking

you know a brutal and suppressive repressive stop wanking sexual regime no I shan't

I shall never stop wanking you heard it here first not as long as I have come to spurt will I stop pumping it out my bollocks

I'll still do it when I'm fucking puffing air into the air. Are you ready? Are you ready for your stamp marathon? A puff puff? A puff puff? Puff puff? Yes, nice.

Okay. Here we go. Are you ready for your marathon of stamps? Here we go. All I've got to do is beat three and I don't get stamped. Fuck you! That is not true. Oh no, alright.

I've fucking got the stamp now. All right. And it looks like a butt plug. And don't fucking tempt me because you might get special stamps. Mate, that would be the best gift you could give me for Christmas. You might get BotBot stamps for this. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Yeah, Inserto stamps.

Merry Christmas. They've made it look like a butt plug on purpose, haven't they? Maybe. They're trying to be all edgy, aren't they? Maybe. That's there. Don't worry. That's there.

It's pocketed there I'm gonna fucking from your pocket to mine come on here we go pocket pocket pocket to mine

pocket pocket come on put it in your pocket it's half an hour already I'm fucking bored of this come on put it in your pocket

pocket are you ready yes what headed Paul what headed the list? Talking to the microphone.

I can't because I'm trying to... What headed the list of the top seven historic moments to get naked at on the Naked at Monuments website? I can't fucking deal with all the information in that sentence. Pyramids of Giza. Yeah. Hagia Sophia. I don't even know what that the information in that sentence. Pyramids of Giza. Yeah. Hagia Sophia. I don't even know what that is.

Or Machu Picchu. Hagia Sophia is another place, isn't it? I'm going to say... What headed the list, Paul? What headed the list? What was at top of the list? What was the most visited tourist location to get naked at? No, top seven historic monuments to get naked at.

Yeah. What was the most popular of those seven? I would say Machu Picchu. Out of Pyramids of Giza, Hagia Sophia or Machu Picchu. I would say the last one. You're going to say Machu Picchu. Yeah. Where are the answers?

On the back, like normal Trivial Pursuit cards. I don't fucking need this shit. You do. What did you say? Machu Picchu. Wrong. What was it? That's one stamp, Pyramids of Giza.

Really? Of course it is. I didn't know. You ready for your next failure? Hit me with it. What 1954 book posited... Posited book. Posited.

1954 book posited. Which 1954 book posited that comic books were a terrible influence on youths? Was it? Of comics and corruption? No. Comic books and delinquency? Or seduction of the innocent? That one.

Seduction of the innocent. Yes. I did them. I actually knew the answer to that anyway. I knew the answer as well. Well, that's great then. That's how you beat quizzes. We watched a whole YouTube video on it.

Yes. Very interesting. That's how we knew. Seduction of the innocent. The guy who ended up making Mad Magazine was defending comics, wasn't he? Yeah, that's right. It's a very of the Innocent the guy who ended up making Mad Magazine was defending comics wasn't he yeah that's right

it's a very deepened conversation it's a good story and there was a there was a there was a sort of crime novel thriller

with that title Seduction of the Innocent which was sort of written and I've got a copy of it and never got round to reading third question please set in that era third question please

and set around that story that'd be quite an interesting novel wouldn't it let me just double check Paul because Question three It is Seduction of the Innocent It is

Yes Question three Three Yes What foot tapping invention was not a waste of time for Lillian Gilbreath in the 1920s?

Go on Tap dance shoes Right Sewing machines. Right. Or foot pedal trash cans. Foot pedal trash cans. Ah.

The inventor is Lillian Gilbreath. I'm going to say sewing machine one. The sewing machine one. You think she invented the sewing machine in the 1920s? Yeah. Foot pedal trash cans. That's what I said. Mother of 12.

That's two stamps. You did not say that. I think if you listen back to the heavily edited footage of this episode. You can shut your fucking cock hole. Cock hole? You can shut your mouth hole because I'm stamping you twice at least, you cunt. Right. Mother of 12.

Lillian was known as America's first lady of engineering. Never heard of her. So she invented the pedal bin. Yeah. Fair enough. No, okay. Two stamps so far. Are you ready for your fourth question?

Fourth of six. Pussy erectus. Pussy erectus? Pussy erectus. Pussy erectus? Yeah. Stop interrupting me. Pussy erectus andhmm. Erectus.

Mm-hmm. And who's your daddy? Yeah. Are all names of what type of product, Paul? Condoms? Mm-hmm. Sex dolls? Mm-hmm.

Or energy drinks? Energy drinks. Yeah. Yay! Because, you know, that's that famous pussy drink. Remember? It was like, oh, drinking pussy. Yeah, I remember that one.

Drinking natural. I remember that one. Don't see that anymore, do you? No, because it was a fucking stupid idea made and for cunts. And referencing vaginas as well. It's just lazy. It's a shock to be lazy. Speaking of which, Jason's off of a cockle.

Yes. What term, Paul? What term? Question five Of six Yes You have two stamps Two stamps

If you get this right Don't just carry on Something will happen Yeah something will happen What term Paul Yes What term Describes a manly show of affection

Mmhmm Mmhmm Mmhmm Mmhmm Commonly starting as a handshake And developing into a full-grown embrace. Oh, rim job. Is it?

Yes. A guy five? Nice. A man brace? Right. Or is it a bro hug? I want to say it's a man brace. Is it a guy five?

I want to say it's a man brace. I want to say it's a man... Or a bro hug. Well, I'm going to have to press you. Bro hug sounds obvious and probably is the answer, but it's shit, so I'm going to go with man brace. I want to say it's a man... Or a bro hug. Well, I'm going to have to press you. Bro hug sounds obvious and probably is the answer, but it's shit, so I'm going to go with man brace. Bro hug's the answer. Yeah, I fucking knew it.

I should have just gone with that. Yeah, you should have. If you think it's the answer, that's what you're going to do. I should have. I've fundamentally disagreed with the idea of quizzes. Right. Right, go on.

You have three stamps so far. Right, same as you. Yeah, so... This could be it. This could be it. This is it. This is when I get my present if you get this wrong. Otherwise...

No, you get your present if you haven't got the prices right. We haven't gotten to that bit yet. This is the quiz within the quiz. Oh, yeah. Fuck me, this fucking party's gone on too long. What was the name, Paul? Yeah.

What was the name... Of? Paul. Yes. Of? Yes. What was the name, Paul, of... Beyonce's character

in Austin Powers in Goldmember? Right. Was it? Go on. Honey Antoinette? No. Foxy Cleopatra?

Yes. Or Bey-balicious? Two. Bey-balicious. Foxy Cleopatra is the answer, Mr. Silverman. It certainly is. It's three stamps for Paul, making it equal. You said you have the right to remain sexy, Sugar.

Yeah, it's not. Goldmember isn't the best of the Austin Powers films by a very long shot. So it's like a Blaxploitation reference to Cleopatra Jones and Foxy Brown.

Stamp me. Don't blow those. Don't blow those. That is millions of bubbles I've made millions of bubbles happen Paul This is a magical Christmas wonderland I'm going to breathe that shit in Only if you open your mouth

Are you going to stamp me now three times? Come on, stamp me three times I've earned it You do it, here you are Ooh Ooh Ooh Hey it. Do what you want. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Hey. I'm like that. Who's that guy who sang those songs? Here we go. Have it all. Here we go. Have it all. Is he called Pixie

Malone or something? He's called like Long John Jim or something. Is he called Long Half Malone? He's got tattoos all over him, hasn't he? He's all edgy.

Isn't it Pixie Malone? Here we go. Isn't it called J Half Malone? He's got tattoos all over him, hasn't he? He's all edgy. Isn't it Pixie Malone? Hebe de Holm. Isn't it called Jibby John? Hebe de Holm. Isn't it called Johnson Malone or something? Right, you've seen

all four prices. It's now time to associate. I haven't seen the prices. No, you've seen the four items. Yes, that would be the word to use then, wouldn't it, Paul?

You've seen the car, the bubbles, the chopper and the trivial pursuit. Here are your prices. One item is £1.50. Those bubbles are literally staining my clothing.

One item is £3. One item is £1. And one item is £1.75. Mr Silverman, what do you think goes with what? So we'll start with the car. How much do you think the car is? We've got £1, £1.75, £1.50 and £3. What do you think it is, Mr Silverman?

Remember... Are these bought new, all of them? Well, apart from the two charity shop ones. Which are the two charity shop ones? The Trivial Pursuit and the Chopper. The other two were bought in B&M. Oh, the Chopper. So, car, what do you think it is?

I think £1.75. We'll attach the price to that. There we go. Next, we will do the bubbles. Those bubbles are literally staining my clothing. It's not staining it, baby. How much do you think the bubbles are worth, Mr Silverman?

They're literally poisoning me, these bubbles. Shut up. They're literally poisoning me. How much do you think they are? You always do this. Bubbles are £3, £1.50 or £1. You break stuff and permanently damage my property. That's what you do.

That's what you love to do. Eli, the bubbles, are they £3, £1.50 or £1? Assign a price now. £1 for the bubbles. £3, £1.50 or £1? Assign a price now. £1 for the Bubbles. £1 for the Bubbles. Next is the Chopper. £3. £3 for the Chopper.

I'm associating the £3, and then that means the Trivial Pursuit you think was £1.50. I do, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Are you sure? Why not? I mean, I'm just saying, are you sure?

You've got a chance now to swap prices. I think I'm right there yeah so Truville Pursuit £150 you say I want to stop doing this £3 for the chopper

£1 for the bubbles and £1.75 for the car if you get two of these right you will win tonight's present proper present from Paul Gannon to you

what happens otherwise otherwise I just take it home with me do I still get the chance to swap it out for another one you don't get the chance to do anything why don't I get that chance because you can I still get the chance to swap it out for another one? No, you don't get the chance to do anything. Why don't I get that

chance? Because you can't win the prize to not swap it If I win the prize, do I get a chance to swap it out then? You can swap it if you win the prize.

Yeah, Jesus. It's language, you know. It's like communication, Paul. Now, I'm going to say this to you right now because I'm a friend and it's Christmas.

You need to change your price. You've not got a single one right. So, I'm going to let you swap two out of the four prices. It's up to you now, Eli, what you want to swap. So he's going to put £3 on the car.

Come on. Come on. Think about it. What are you going to do? He's going to swap Trivial Pursuit. Right. He's put £3 on Trivial Pursuit. Okay.

Which means now you've got £1.75 for the car, £1 for the bubbles, and then whatever it is for the thing. Right, he's swapping the prices over. You said I've got none right. Yeah, you've got none right. So you're saying £1.70. If you let me swap two prices, I can only get one right. Yeah.

But I need to get two right. You do, don't you? So have a little think. Can I swap again? One more swap. I'll let you swap. It's Christmas special. I'll let you swap.

He's swapping the car price for the bubble price. Here we go. Excellent. You're locking in? Yeah. Right. Eli says the car is £1. The bubbles are £1.50.

The chopper is £1.75. And the Trivial Pursuit is £3. Here we go. The car, you said £1. The price is £1. One in the bag. Between... You said the bubbles were £1. The price is £1. One in the bag. Petwing. You said the bubbles were £1.50.

The bubbles were £1.75. Yay! So that means you said the chopper was £1.75, but it actually was £1.50. But it does mean that the Juvel Pursuit is £3. So, Eli, right, here we go. Two Petwings, everybody. You've earned your present. Now, I'm going to give you one last option now.

Are you going to give me any clues about what I could swap it with? Here's your present. Nice, big, strange thing in a strange packaging. I'm not going to show you what the option is. Why? It's a blind gamble. No, but show me the shape of it at least. Didn't you wrap it up?

I did wrap it. But it's a blind gamble. I don't want an object this big in my house, basically. Well, you might if you open it and you like it. Is it going to be consumable? Mate, it's a blind gamble. I don't want an object this big in my house, basically. Well, you might if you open it and you like it. Is it going to be consumable? Mate, it's up to you. You can either take this prize right now and win. I've had my eye on this one all day.

You can have it right now, or you can trade it in for the secret bonus prize. I want to see the shape of the secret bonus prize. You can't. It's a blind gamble. How long have I got? You've got three seconds. Three, two, one.

I'll have this one. You've got to keep this. You sure? I shouldn't. Okay, so here's... I'm going to put this aside. No, I, one. I'll have this one. You've got to keep this. You sure? I shouldn't. Okay, so here's... I'm going to put this aside. No, I want that. Here's the bonus prize that you could have won.

He's opening up the present now. Have I made the right decision here? Let's find out. What is it? Oh, it's the Rubik's Magic. Yeah, it's the Rubik's Magic. As sent in into us by a fantastic fantastic cheap show listener but you haven't won that i'll take it off he's in love with

it i used to know how to do this so quickly man yeah it's like yeah but now it's all gone i'm gonna have to watch a video all right i don't get that unfortunately you've chosen the big prize so Eli Silverman here is your proper from me to you for Christmas present and you've earned it even though I helped considerably what is it Mr Silverman some kind of robot thing

oh it's a Rubik's Hybrid Perspexus look at that. That's fucking cool, man. It's basically, ladies and gentlemen, a maze that's built into a Rubik's Cube.

Oh, mate. So each segment of the Rubik's Cube has got a little bit of a ball-bearing maze that you can twist the things around and get it around.

And do you still have to solve the Rubik's Cube aspect of it? Well, no. It's just you've got to move the blocks around to get the ball around the maze. It's twist the things around and get it around. And do you still have to solve the Rubik's Cube aspect? Well, no. It's just that you've got to move the blocks around to get the ball around the maze. It's like one of those ball things. Yeah. Like that circular one you've got.

It's like that, but in a Rubik's Cube. I've got two of those. And it twists and turns. That's your Christmas present to me. You mean you can twist and turn? You can twist and turn the blocks. Well, you wouldn't need to do that if you've got the ball at one end and you need to put it to... Yeah, it's four by four as opposed to, you know, three by three or whatever it is.

Fantastic. I love that. That is your Christmas present from me to you this year, Mr. Silverman. I almost don't want to open it from the... It's mint on card, mate. It's very mint on card. Thanks, man. I got that special just for you because I saw it.

It's bloody good. Yeah. I don't know what to say. Did you get me a Christmas present at all? I've got these dog lozenges. I thought we could try... Give me a dog lozenge. We'll both try a dog lozenge. These are got these dog lozenges. I thought we could try... Give me a dog lozenge. We'll both try a dog lozenge.

These are very special dog lozenges, Paul. Merry Christmas, Paul. The guy who edits, produces, posts the show, does all the metadata, all the social media,

keeps the fans engaged, deals with the Patreon. Thank you, Paul. Here's a fucking dog lozenge. These are Grey's Herbal tablets. You better just give me one right now. They're for cold nights and mornings. These are warming.

It's a warm... I'm so drunk. Have a niff on that. That's what's going to be good for you. Smell that. Actually, we like these things. Really? Yeah.

Is it hard? It's a hard... It's a boiled sweet sort of thing. It's a hard, boiled sweet. Do you like those? You actually really like them. I actually really like these things really? yeah is it hard? it's a hard it's a boiled sweet sort of thing it's a hard boiled sweet do you like those? you actually really like them I actually really do well you can have them mate

thank you I got you a car I got you fucking toys I got you a Rubik's thing I got you something you really like do you know what mate do you know what I'm going to give you this anyway

this Rubik's magic because I know what it means to you I need to remember how the fuck and do you know what I've got, ladies and gentlemen? Fucking nothing. Fucking nothing at Christmas. It's impossible to buy gifts for you. Is it?

Yes. I'm very easily pleased. It's the gesture that matters. It's the thought, the consideration. Yeah? Look, I've made a house. Congratulations, Mr. Silverman. All right, hang on. Hang on.

Say what? Hello? Oh, you're here. All right, I'll come and get you in a minute. Stay there. Yeah, ring number two. Number two. All right, give me two secs.

Be there in a bit. Mate. I'm going to go see her now. Hang on. Do I get to say hello? I'll show you in a minute. She's coming in. Let's go to the door now.

All right, bear with us. Mate, can I just let her in? Is that all right? One sec. I don't know. Hang on. She's coming now. Hang on.

What? Oh no, he's been ready for this. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's he fucking doing? Oh, it's good to see you. Is he kissing her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's he doing?

Come on in. What's he fucking doing? Is he kissing her? Yeah, no, I missed you. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Paul? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mate, Sally's here. Yeah. Can I... Can I borrow your room for about five minutes? Well, what... She's just... What for? You've got to do what?

She's just going to do something private with Sally. Paul, come back. Hang on. Can we talk about this for a second? Can I just borrow your room? Well, can we talk about... What the fuck? He's got in my room. She might die from the smell in there or something. I'm worried about her.

Oh, no. Oh, fucking guy. He's got a girlfriend and everything. What's he doing? No, Paul. No, I can't. I can't. I'll give you a fucking. I can't. I'll give you a fucking bucket. I can't just... I can't have... No, I can't.

No, it's coming through the walls. Paul! Get out of there, Paul! You can't do that! You can't do that! Get the fuck out of there Paul! You can't do that! I'm... You can't do that! Paul's dick! No, come out! Get the fuck out of my house!

You bach-bach fuck! Paul, you are in a relationship my friend, and you won't be fucking buckers! Get out you! You've ruined it! You've ruined Christmas again! You've made a show of me in front of Sally! Put your dick back in your pants because it's hanging right out now. Come and get some. Get your slimy snake trails away from me. Get out of the house.

I'll throw all your shoes down. I'm angry. I just need a bit of love. Get out you whore. My girlfriend doesn't understand me. Sally understands me. You don't understand me. Sally understands me. You don't understand me. Paul, I... Sally understands me. We'll have a talk in the morning.

Sally understands me. Go and sleep it off with Sally somewhere else. Sally, come here. You can't kiss him. Just get... Please. Yes, Sally. Can you hear me?

Sally, Sally, Sally. No, no, no, no, no. Not in here. You can't do it in here. Get out. If I can't do it in here! Get out! That's it, I'll go then. Yes! I'll go.

You fucking should. And take her with you. Well, Merry fucking Christmas. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Wipe the spunk off your trousers. You can't. Get out! Oh, fucking hell.

What a bastard. I wish I had a girlfriend. THE END © BF-WATCH TV 2021