CheapShow - Ep 266: Store Wars

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

It’s a question that’s often been asked in CheapShow’s 6 years of existence, “Who is more stupid, Paul or Eli”? This week the answer can finally be revealed because that answer is “Both of them. Both are stupid”. Saved from last week’s Black Bin Bag of Mystery, the Cheap Chaps have fished out a book from the 1970s called “Boiling Water In A Paper Cup”. It’s packed with puzzles, games, riddles and Paul and Eli attempt to answer some of the more unusual challenges in the book. It does not go well! In fact it’s quite embarrassing. For both of them. The idiots. Elsewhere in the podcast, it’s time to dive into the post box and pull out a brand-new Tales from the Shop Floor. In this edition, there is a terrible tale of store wars as two competing music shops battle to the bitter end. It’s more economy comedy goodness. Join us! See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-266-store-wars And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I've had feedback. Oh, yeah? About what? From a trashster. He made a complaint about you. And as a result, I've been downvoted on the app now. So now I've got a bad reputation on the app. Who made a complaint about me?

Binbag Ben. Binbag Ben made a complaint about me. Well, you know what? You know what he can say? Have you got it there? Have you got it open there? I'll open it up now on my phone. Hang on.

Give me a second. I'll open up my trashster app. Feedback. Reviews. Thumbs down. Two bin bags down. Was it thumbs or bin bags? You get five bin bags. Five is the best.

And now I've gone down to two, thanks to his review that pushed us down. Yeah, but why does he get to review us? What does Trashda do, Paul? It delivers trash to your home. Why would we want that? How is that a thing? Because it made an episode, didn't it, last week? And that was the conceit.

Stop peeling back the foreskin of the content of this show. Well, I'm going to wank off the shaft of the content of this show into my own mouth in a second. Don't stroke the content. I'm going to fucking juggle the balls of this show. No, don't juggle the balls. Listen, trash to doesn't make sense in any way. Not even as a made-up app. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's don't juggle the balls. Listen, Trashda doesn't make sense in any way.

Not even as a made-up app. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's not a made-up app. It's real. You can go to Trashda. Well, is there... Listen, write this.

Paul, write this in. I can't write anything. Well, I'll tell you what about your fucking friend. Your best friend. Do you want me to read the review to you?

He's a dangerous man. Do you want me to read the review out? He was threatening to me and he's lucky. He's lucky. Oh, he's lucky. that I did not involve the constabulary in this. Involve the Met Ruff Pollan police. Met Ruff Pollan?

The Met Ruff Pollan police? Is that what you were going to get? He says here Hang on, let me bring it up. After being asked to deliver a bin bag to, and I've sent it the address, I was met with nothing but disdain, hatred, and inquisitive inquiries from the hairy, ugly, fat squat one. This is an insult.

As a result, I left feeling abused and ashamed by my work, and it put me off using this service in the future. It's not a service for him. He's providing us a service. The inherent contradiction of Traster is a thing. P.S. What an ugly cunt. That's what us a service. The inherent contradiction of Trashta is a thing. P.S. What an ugly cunt. That's what he's put.

And now I've got money down to two bin bags on the app. What do you mean two bin bags? What does that mean? I was a five bin bag Trashta app VIP. Well, get me a bin bag now. Shall I order one? Yeah, get him round here now. I'll fucking...

No, he's not. They might not be him. They'll just send anyone. No, listen. There's no way there's anyone else who works for trash to a parking bin bag. All right, let me just get another bag. I'm going to get another bag.

Random order send. All right, it says two minutes. Random order of what? Of bag. Of bag? There's options of bin bag you can order. Let me get this straight. Food-based, waste-based, book-based recycling.

You can get actual rubbish sent round your house. Why would you do that? It's fun, isn't it? Is it fun? Yeah? Is it fun? Yeah. Is it fun? I think so. I think we've not only

wanked off the shaft of the content of this podcast, I'm pink pancaking. Mate, this concept is over my head, face, neck and chest. All right? I've developed this.

Oh, hang on. Oh, he's here. Oh, is he? Hello. Hello. I'm Trashbag Timothy. Trashbag Timothy, hi. I've got a bag for you that you've ordered.

I don't want it. I'm sorry. I'm going to make it. I'm sorry, that was ordered by mistake. We don't want it. Do I not get paid for this? You don't get anything. Oh.

I tell you what. Did you waste my time? No, I tell you what. Did you waste my time? Timothy. I'm Trashbag Timothy. Timothy. And you wasted my time. Timothy, I'm Trashbag Timothy. Timothy. And you wasted my time.

Timothy, wait a second. You ugly cunt. You ugly, ugly cunt. Oh, I'm off. I was going to... I'm going to downvote you now. I was going to offer you some money. Really?

Yes. Have I got to juggle your content? No, you just have to tell me one or two things about your background. I don't. How dare you? Now you're a private citizen. Oh, how dare you? Oh, I'm off. Leave the house. I don't! How dare you! Now you're a private citizen! Oh, how dare you! Oh, I'm off!

Just leave the house. I'm off! Leave! Paul? I'm gone. Phone's just gone off. Just give him... Oh, I've got one bag now on me arm!

Yeah. You fuck this! Please, let's never do this again, okay? I guess welcome to Cheap Show then. Yeah, wow. I feel like shit, mate. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand ratlock, off-brand ratlock. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap show.

It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Right so, right Right, right then so Hello, welcome to Cheap Show You know what, the fucking light is giving me fucking... Turn it off then.

Can you put those on? Yes. Oh, fuck. I've started sweating already. I've got pure fucking poison coming out of the pores in my head. I've got liquid forehead. Oh, fuck me. I've got fucking venal liquid forehead.

Drippy drip. Talk into your mouth, mate. Talk into my mouth? All right. Great stuff. Shall I stop? I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why you're doing that.

I'm properly filleting the mic today. You are, yeah. You're giving it a cough. Ruff, ruff. Keep the energy up, because otherwise I'm just going to fucking, I'm going to crash. Hey, for those keeping

a check at home and making a list of this, Eli's feeling shit again. So add this to your list of episodes in which Eli's proclaimed at the beginning of the episode that he feels like shit

or he is shit or he's ill or he's dying. One or the fucking other. Turn the big light out while I do the admin. Oh, I've got my foot stuck in my coat.

He's mapping his brow with a sponge, you fucking grotty horror. You're the grotty horror shitshow show. Right, so, hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where we go through the bargain bins, the pound shops and charity shops of Great Britain and bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. Amongst the trash. Amongst the trash.

Amongst the trash. Amongst the trash. Here's the thing that's pissed me off recently, and I don't know why it's gotten on my tits, but let's just get it out the way. Amongst the trash. Here's the thing that's pissed me off recently, and I don't know why it's gotten on my tits, but let's just get it out the way. All right. When you fall over or you do something by mistake and you say, oh, I did that by accident, you say, by accident.

But in America, they go on accident, which is absolutely fucking stupid. Do you understand why that is, Paul? No, I don't. Because you do something on purpose or by accident. So they're sort of saying, why don't we sort of regulate, you know, make it regular.

So you use the same... But it doesn't work though. On accident sounds stupid. Do something on accident. By accident, on purpose. That's fine. We can do that. Also, when they say,

oh, I could give a shit about that. It's like, I couldn't give a shit. I could care less. I value less about shit than this idea. But Paul, you have to understand one thing.

Language changes. Yeah? It's not... No. There's no correct... Love changes. Changes everything. Love breaks the rules.

The rules you sing. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Does it say rules you sing? I don't know. The rules to keep. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Love changes everything. Who's that?

I don't care. It does annoy me, that by accident thing as well. But it's just one of those things. It just sounds clunky. Yes, it does to your ear. But these things change, don't they, over time? Anyway, I think of... If you think about all language,

it's these sort of dead metaphors that they sort of weld together. What a great name for a band. We are the dead metaphors. You know, in French, they say... One, two, three, four. The dead metaphors. You know in French they say... One, two, three, four. The dead metaphors. On accent.

Could give you shit. You can't do it. I'll do it. Right. Here we go. I'm coming. I've got an idea. Ladies and gentlemen

with his little punk song. I've got an idea. It's the new song from the dead metaphors. Oh, I fucked a cat. You fucked a cat. Yeah, you're right. That's much better. I fucked a cat. I fucked a cat. Yeah, you're right. That's much better.

I fucked a cat. You can stop. You can stop. Can I try again? No. Oh, come on. I've got a better song. No.

No, I do. Please don't stroke this idea anymore. Can we just get on with the show? Like French, for example. Yes. The word aujourd'hui in French. Do you know what that means? Aujourd'hui.

What's that? Aujourd'hui. Aujourd' that? Aujourd'hui. Aujourd'hui. I've got a big aujourd'hui on. I've got an aujourd'hui on. Aujourd'hui is today. My dick looks like a knick-knack. Oh, fuck it.

I can't be bothered. Right, so let's just crack on. I know. All I wanted to say, the last thing on by accident. Yeah. On accident, sorry. Yeah. Is it does sound bad,

but that is the way that language develops. That's fine. I just find it clunky to the ear when I hear it. Also, care less. Could care less is difficult to deal with. Let's just all agree right now, Americans are bad with words. Yes.

This is coming from us, so let's move swiftly on. So, P.O. Box came hot this morning. It came hot. Hot this morning. The man was literally like, please take this. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ho, ho.

Because he was a monkey. And he threw it at me. Is that a monkey delivery? Is that one of those munkster, is it? Hot monkey deliveries. I've got an app for that. It's called munkster, is it?

No, it's called chunkster. Chunkster. Is it called big chunky monkey bollock? Hotmonster.com. Hairy munkster. That's a different app. That's ay monster. That's a different ad. That's a different thing.

That's a midnight blue. Anyway, this came this morning as I was leaving the house. Who came? The chunky monkey came through the letterbox. Great. No great. Just imagine a very sort of ginger monkey pube coming in the cum stream. What?

That would really set you off. Right. That would set you up for like ready break. So. P.O. Box delivery this morning from America. And there was a bounty in there.

Of chunky monkey cum. No, there's no bounty of cum. There's no... There's no... Sorry. Set me off. The two syllables, chunk and monk, have just stepped together. There's no bounty of cum. There's no... Sorry. Set me off. The two syllables, chunk and mug, have just stood together.

Set me off. I know. What came in the PO box today, Paul? So Mike in America sent us a box full of stuff from gas stations in America. Oh, yeah. But I didn't want to bring all that in because there's quite a lot of snacks and stuff. And we'll save it for another episode. But there's something in that package which is really unique. And I didn't want to bring all that in because there's quite a lot of snacks and stuff and we'll save it for another episode. But there's something in that package which

is really unique and I think it's kind of really cool. So I want you to, I'm going to give you what came in that box right now. Can we have some like...

You can wear it. We don't often do a lot of clothing on this podcast. Is it a pearl necklace? I'll give you a pearl necklace right now if you want.

No, I've got it. Hang on. Oh, you've got it here? Yeah. Oh, I can put it on. Yeah. A bit of dress up. What I'm going to give to you now

is some merchandise, some clothing from a chain of gas stations, I guess. Well, you know, they have a mini mart inside. Yes, they do. And they have their own branding now.

Not only in food, but with clothes. Why are you laughing? This is going to be derogatory in some ways. Because the t-shirt has the name of the company on. Yeah. And the T-shirt has the name of the company on. Yeah.

And I think you'll appreciate the name of the company today. It's the name. It sounded me a black T-shirt, everyone. Black T-shirt. It is a Gildan. It's nice quality. It's a nice soft T-shirt. And there's a red.

Oh, I see. What's the name of the company? Come and Go. K-U-M and Go. This is bizarre. This is some kind of. But why does it say where and means more? Oh, where and means more.

Where and means... How bad is that? Wait, I don't get that. It says where ampersand means more. I can't figure that out. Where and... Where and does mean more. Because it's like, I've got this box of...

Oh, where and means more. Yeah. Why don't they just spell the word and? Who knows? Oh, look, it must be there. But wait, he's also said a grey T-shirt. Is that bigger? The logo almost looks like Vans, doesn't it?

You know, Vans shirts, Vans clothing. I quite like the logo. Yeah, come and go. This is too small, this one, for me. What size is that? This is a large, so do you want to swap? I'm going to put it on. Right, he's put it on.

Oh, I can see his fat tumbers. That won't fit on you either. No, but it might be a nice bedtime show. I like wearing a T-shirt that says come and go on it. A bedtime show? A bedtime T-shirt. You know you have T-shirts just for bedtime. Like pajama top.

Yeah, I have a little. This might be my bedtime top. Come and go where and means more. I hate that motto. It's terrible, yeah. You look good in that. It's a nice grey. We'll take a picture of it later.

But it doesn't end there. This is the one that you're my... Oh, it's a baseball cap. It's a baseball cap. Come and go. Yeah. It's a nice quality thing. I don't like the idea

of having a hat with the words come and go on the back as if it's a kind of sign to say, stick it up the arse, fucking come and fuck off. Don't look me in the eye. Don't look me in the eye.

Don't look me in the eye. Just sign your name on the fucking form on the back that's tattooed on my spine. Now, I don't look very good in baseball caps. Do you look good in them? No, I don't as well. People, they suit, and others, they don't, do they? Oh.

I've done it too small. There you go. Now, you are branded with Come and Go. Yes. I've never heard of Come and Go. I wonder what part of the States it's from. Does he say in the letter? I don't know. know let's have a listen please find and close some merchandise of a local chain of gas stations in my area called come and go they've been around since

the 70s but i'm not sure it was less suggestive back then but they definitely lean into it nowadays selling branded potato chips as well as clothing um a sampling of which i've enclosed you might get a kick out of them we We did. We did. Thank you. I'm going to wear this tonight. Where to? To my open-faced Chinese poker game. Open-faced what? Open-faced Chinese poker.

Is that not a euphemism at all then? No. Well, good. I play open-faced Chinese poker, pineapple, high-low. Pen, pineapple, pineapple, pen. I don't know. This is all just words. No, I'll wear that tonight.

Yeah, you should. I've got new cards. I've got some nice aviation cards. And don't mention it all to anyone as you go in. I'm not going to a card club. This is my friend's house. He will mention it. No, I know.

But what I'm saying is, don't go in saying, look what I'm wearing in front of a gas chain. I'm going to wear the hat. Just go in. Everyone's around the poker table. Put your pants down. And then go, come and go. Rough trade, yeah.

Yeah, rough trade. Come and go. Oh, that's terrible. I feel, yeah. Rough trade. Come and go. Oh, that's terrible. I feel terrible. Hello, welcome to come and go gas stations. Why don't you pull in, come, go, and then pull out. I bet they did used to have drive-thru brothels. I bet they've got them in Vegas.

Drive-thru brothels? Drive-thru brothels. That's quite hard to say, actually. Yeah, but also, drive-thru brothels doesn't make much sense either. I really want to fuck that kumquat. Dry fruit brothel! Can you put those prunes up my bumhole? I think we've exhausted that now.

Do you remember? We have got nothing this week, Paul. Nothing. We've got lots of stuff. I've got nothing. I've got nothing left inside. You always have nothing. There's nothing inside me.

You're the podcast sponge. Sponge of what? Of the things I bring. You're calm. Stop talking about cum now. No, I never will. You please do. I never will.

Why? I can't. Why can't you stop talking about cum? That's a problem. Oh, and he's cum again, everybody. Right. No, listen. Can we move on? No. I wanted to mention pickled sausages right we're moving on oh do you remember those red pickled eggs that we had

yeah and the red pickled sausage right that was truck stop food good great did he send any of those no did he send some food he sent some food and snacks and biscuits and bobs and all sorts of stuff but we'll say no red sausage no angry No red sausage. No angry red pickled sausage. No angry plasticky sausage with mystery meat inside. Angry red pickled sausage. Angry mystery sausage. Angry red nubbin-shaped sausage. Yes, and we've made the point abundantly clear now that you...

Twang my sausage! Twang it! Twang the nubbin sausage till the robbery goes. Twang, twang, twang. Twang, twang, twang. Whip my sausage till the rubbery goes twang twang twang twang twang twang

wet my foreskin plop plop plop wet my bum twing

twing twing wet my bellend and then I began to cum splurt

splurt splurt wet the meters splosh splosh splosh wet the

cum all the cum's coming out into my arm And it's hitting the wall Said my girlfriend Can we move on?

We've exhausted our cum quotient for the episode now Twang, twang, twang on the knobbin Twang, twang, twang with my banjo string Oh god Can we move on? We could, but also we could start the episode again. No, we're not starting it again. We've got plenty of time.

Mark that off on your fucking bingo card. Eli says let's start the episode again. I honestly think we should do. A good 15 minutes into the episode. I honestly think we really should. Well, we're not going to now. I feel that it was very, even by our very, very low standards,

this was just that little bit worse. This is a bit better than usual. Has it? I don't fucking know. Let's move on. You could fill this hat with cum. Right, shut up. Oh, I've got some milky things, Paul.

Shut up talking about cum. Well, can we taste something this week? No. We're not tasting anything. You can taste my cum. No, we always taste food. I've got some milky things. I want a foodless episode this week, please. Just one milky sweet from Bristol. No.

Save it for next time. One little milky... I don't care about your milky sweets from Bristol. One little milky pellet. One little pellet. No, we're not doing it. One little chewy little pellet. But what we are doing is a Tales from the Shop Floor,

except this is called Tales from Two Shop Floors. Tale of Two Cities. A Tale of Two Titties. God. Fucking hell. Tale of Two Glitties. A Tale of Two McVitties. This comes from Melanie.

Thank you, Melanie, for sending this in. Is it going to be a tale of two shitties? No. Why don't you just fucking listen? Instead of interjecting with a name nonsense that never made sense. A tale of two very good looking people. Fitties. A tale of two fitties.

Oh, here's a story about two receipts. It's called A Tale of Two Chitties. I like it. Thank you. And I presume it's a UK-based story. Hello, Eli, quote-unquote, master of tepid wanks, Silverman. Tepid wanks? What does that mean, tepid?

And Paul Art, Duke of Frothycocks, Gannon. I get the better one there, as you can imagine. I get the anatomically incorrect one. I imagine yours is tepid. How could it be tepid? It comes out fucking steaming hot every time, mate. It's been inside my nuts. It's the fact that you're...

It's been inside my body. It's been warmed by my blood. I didn't expect this episode to be so cum-laden. So can we just move on? All I'm saying is I come at a normal temperature. It's hot. Hot spunk comes out my knob when I come. I need you next time when you come to take a temperature of your sperm.

It's going to be standard across all humanity, surely. It's going to be body temperature. Yeah, which is not tepid. This is the point I'm trying to make. Yeah, but... What would you say tepid is? I think more flaccid cock. Yeah, which is not tepid. This is the point I'm trying to make. Yeah, but... What would you say tepid is? I think more flaccid cock. Tepid is almost cold.

I think I would argue tepid means you're not really fully hard when you come. Okay, that's a different thing. It's one of those lazy Sunday afternoons. It's not hot. What you're talking about is a flank. Flaccid flank. Christ! That's what you're talking about.

Is that what happens in the army when you get flanked? Right. Hello, Eli. Hello, Paul. Hello. I recently discovered melanie hello melanie if you weren't wrapped up in your own fucking head just you'd take in the facts that i tell you i simply wanted you to remind me as co-hosts who the fucking person

twice already well we'll say it again no please no who is it make this is a really long story and i'd like you to not interjecting with fucking asinine shite all right hello melanie right thank you i recently discovered cheap show on spotify and it has truly become one of my favorite podcasts oh thank you of particular interest to me are your tells from the shop for and silverman platter segments and coincidentally i have a story for you that combines elements of both i think that eli in particular will get a kick out of that one but don't worry paul i've included in certain detail that should catch your interest. I hope you enjoy it.

Bet it's Ghostbusters. No, it's not. I've read the email. Isn't it? What is it then? Cum? No, it's a certain type of porn I like. Dogs.

It's not dogs. Is it fucking hand puppets? There's a hand puppet thing in this. Why do you think they call it hand puppets? Because you josh off into them. Yeah. And pretend to to do zoom calls with them that's the way to do it in the late 2000s i worked at a newly opened store in the canadian branch of hmv she's canadian ah as a massively pretentious high school student being constantly surrounded by walls of cds movies and entertainment technology it was a

great job first of all let me say that while i know very little about hmv in the uk it's dead here isn't it pretty much yeah is it still going there are a few stores but ultimately i think things like fop and stuff have taken up a because fop is basically hmv in the uk yeah it's almost the exact same branding and the pricing and stuff i think it's there's some kind of weird relation between the two it It's bizarre. No, they actually went under a few years back. Yeah. I mean, we're having going digital.

HMV struggled to be relevant, I guess. Which is why when you go in there a few years ago, it's just mostly fucking Funko Pops. Yeah. But I think they've actually now gone, haven't they? They haven't got their one on. There's not that one on Oxford Street anymore. Oh, I don't know.

There's one in the Westfield Centre in Sheffield Bush. Yeah. But they used to be like a massive... Like the biggest. But they used to be like a massive... Like the biggest. But they used to be a record company as well, didn't they? Yes. I guess it was one of those things where they made the records and sold them in the stores that they owned.

In the stores that they owned. You never get anything like this these days. So anyway, she says, My store was terrific. The shop floor was extremely neat and clean. The staff were very kind and extremely fun to be around. And throughout my employment, we never had a single issue with a customer,

most of whom were quite affluent grey-haired boomers looking to pick up copies of Thriller or the Top Gun soundtrack. Unfortunately, the trouble came in from another business not 50 paces across the street. Oh, bad boy business. Rival business. For some reason that I will never understand,

this shiny new HMV was located directly opposite a locally owned indie record shop the owners of which absolutely hated us. Yeah, well they would. Fair enough. Yeah.

Because it's like McDonald's opening up next to like a greasy spoon caff or something. Well, it's HMV, yeah but they've done it on purpose haven't they? Of course they have.

Obviously to compete to undercut. Looking back we do understand some of their frustration. We were a faceless corporation taking on the mom and pop music stores and almost instantaneously stole their entire customer base yeah that's the

story of what happened with um records in america during the the 40s and 50s in what respect basically you'd have these mom and pop stores where they'd sell records yeah so you wouldn't be able to you work there weren't like tower records came by and things like that there weren't record shops it would just be a came by and things like that there weren't record shops it would just be a shop maybe there was a grocer and they'd have records in there do you see what I mean?

oh more like a Woolworths I guess yeah but local independent ones and that's how records were sold especially in the R&B and the funny thing is it's hard to feel sorry for HMV

when you see what Amazon did and all those stores and Spotify and iTunes just came in and went oh people don't need you anymore then no which weirdly makes HMV the mom and pop kind of thing they sort of get the sympathy stores and Spotify and iTunes just came in and went, oh, people don't need you anymore then. No. Which weirdly made HMV the mom and pop

kind of thing. They sort of get the sympathy, but yes, they weren't, they were always, obviously they just couldn't adapt quickly enough to the new... Like Blockbuster Video. Yeah. They completely shat the bed. They could have easily been the next Netflix, but they didn't see that model coming. They didn't see the model coming. So, unlike the plot of countless

90s movies, though, it was the little guys who were the villains in this story. They didn't see the model coming. So, unlike the plot of countless 90s movies, though, it was the little guys who were the villains in this story. They were the worst kind of turn-of-the-decade hipsters that you could imagine. Beardy, stuck-up, utterly condescending jerks that would laugh in a customer's face before trying to upsell them Tear Garden by Kaleidoscope? I don't know, but that sounds pretentious.

Kaleidoscope or Kaleidoscope? It says Kaleidi with a Y before the scope. So, Kaleidoscope. I've not heard, but that sounds pretentious. Collidescope or Collidescope? It says Collidee with a Y before the scope. So Collidescope. I've not heard of them. Sounds pretentious. There's a psych band from the 60s, Collidescope. They're fucking amazing. Well, I don't know.

Either way, I can imagine they were the people like you bring an album. A West Coast band, Collidescope. Have I ever played you any of them? No. They're brilliant. What music is it? It's sort of psych rock, sort of like Birds or Mamas and Papas, sort of West Coast-y. But there was a guy

who was... That whole Topanga Canyon sound. Yes, but he was... Yes, very much so. But he was like a Middle Eastern guy who could play some of those

slightly more exotic, I suppose you'd call them, instruments. Like a sitar or something that made it all... Yeah, that kind of thing. But he could play several of them.

So it really added a lot of sort of that texture to the records. Oh, I look forward to listening to that. I've got a compilation album We'll listen to it after the episode

thank you for this fucking email without stupid fucking interactions from you so they were hipsters they were nasty hipsters they were like sneering hipsters

if you went in and tried to buy I don't know let's just for example Bross they'd probably laugh they'd laugh in your face it's like that film it's like Jack

Black's character in High Fidelity yeah or Empire Records if you ever remember that I didn't see that. No, it's at all. I mean, I love Empire Records, but it's a pretty awful film.

Imagine Breakfast Club set in a trendy indie record shop in the 90s. That kind of thing. So yeah, their store was filthy, cluttered, and carried only the worst of the owner's halcyon bands in CD and vinyl, which was still a hard sell in those days. So what does that mean? They're saying they would purposely buy in rare stuff that was hard to sell.

I don't know. Give me that sentence again. The store was filthy cluttered and carried only the worst of the owner's halcyon bands. Only the worst of the owner's halcyon bands? Yeah, in CD and vinyl. In contrast, our store carried everything from music to PlayStation 3 games to new Blu-rays and had a very welcoming atmosphere

and was managed by a head supervisor with a massive pair of tits that basically sold our merchandise by itself in comparison getting told that you were a moron for asking where the spinal tap soundtrack was by someone who looked like a trampy version of james corden seemed much less appealing to the buying public oh it's a it's a funny thing though isn't it because you've got the corporate america where it's like have a nice day come in great shopping it? Because you've got the corporate America where it's like, have a nice day, come in, great shopping experience, but then you've got the kind of independent shops which kind of need support,

but they're owned by people who are off-putting to the general public. Yes, can be, they can be. Even in this country, there's... There's little record shops where... They can be quite unwelcoming. Oh, he's very welcoming, Alan. Is he?

Yeah. I thought there was one up that end of London who was like... Alan, he's famous there, but he's very nice. Yeah. He's a very nice guy. Fair enough. And he just has someone helping him a lot of the time,

and they just talk about Arsenal. You know what I mean? They're like very sort of salt of the earth, down to earth. I bought a lot of comedy albums from there. Like, sorry, I haven't... It's a great record shop, Alan. Whatever, yeah. So I don't think that's a good example,

but there are some where it's very much sort of... You feel stupid for asking a question. Yeah, know i've been in record shops so many times and people just come in and they go have you got any michael jackson and that must get like or you know have you got abby road by the beatles have you got fleetwood max rumors yeah exactly and that must get to you if you were then that's why you'll go to a hmv because you don't get judged yeah what i mean yeah exactly so there's a place for that absolutely then that's why you'll go to a HMV because you don't get judged. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. So there's a place for that, absolutely. But then that's why iTunes and stuff became a huge success because guilty pleasures you could buy without being judged anymore.

You don't have to, yeah. I will buy that Pineapple Pen song because he's going to fucking know. There's no shame. I mean, a lot of things online have become like that as well, haven't they? Yeah, pretty much. You don't have the shame that you'd feel in a real life situation. Just what gets to me is when I'm fucking in a record shop, yeah,

and I'm looking. I'm looking at records, yeah. I'm looking at the records. I might well buy one, yeah. And some fucker comes in and they just get right up next to you and they're like, and they're not even properly looking.

Some random. Yeah, they're just in there. They go, oh, it's a record shop. I'm just looking at it. You would be just the cunt who owned one of these shops, wouldn't you?

Yeah, you would be. They just flick through, you know? They just flick through the records and they're just not even looking. You can tell they're not even looking. And that puts you off. They just can't. Yeah, because they're like,

fuck off. You're not fucking interested in buying a record. Don't come in here. You're not just as bad as this fucking guy. No, it's just you fuck off and then they get on the fucking record player they stand behind you wait for you to get

off the record player then they're like i don't know how to operate a record player tales from the dance floor shop floor dance right our rivalry began when the owners of the shop began passively aggressively pinning up self-made posters directly in front of our store, telling customers to reject big business and support local retailers. Fair enough, until they were caught slipping said posters into spaces between our glass sliding doors. Removing these sheets of paper meant disassembling the doors entirely, a process that blocked off our store's entrance for at least an hour at a time. Wow, they're getting hardcore. That's terrorism.

Next came the firestorm. They're going to sew some prawns into their curtains or something like that. That's a good one. That's a good one. It's also a euphemism. It's not. For the sunken pool. Next came the firestorm of verbal abuse hailed at our customers

as they walked to and from our business. This is just completely out of order. For some reason, being insulted by these wankers on the way to their cars didn't change our customers' shopping habits. No, of course not. Fuck off. This is terrible. Isn't it?

Imagine it was your job. Eli, go outside the front and just call people coming out of HMV accounts. Oh, what's that? You've got fucking ABBA, you absolute moron. Fuck off. Queen's greatest hit. Oh, come off it, you wanker. Have some taste, you fucking plebiscite moron twat.

Look at that nonce with the Beatles' blue and red best of albums. You think you're so hip with the fucking Beatles, you twat. They're one of the biggest twat. Twat. Actually, this might be your perfect job. Fuck you. That was after. Moby you that was after Moby you're buying Moby

I would shout though to be fair at that point yeah once they get Moby you twat you've ruined the Mission Impossible soundtrack they didn't Moby did it they're just buying Moby I don't give a fuck after that was the vandalism

on mostly glass exterior would get absolutely covered in jet black spray paint. Spray paint. Spray paint. Applied both haphazardly and in the shape of various colourful curse words well known to listeners

of the Cheap Show podcast. Cunt. Fat shit. I bet they didn't write Chodney on the side of fucking HIV. Chodney's not a swear word, Paul. And how dare you say that? I find it quite abrasive.

Chodney's not a swear word, Paul. And how dare you say that? And how dare you say that? Chardonnay's not a swear word. That's our word! Yeah. Which necessitated frequent deep cleans that further prevented customers from entering the store. Fucking, this is... I mean, you've got to get the law involved, surely.

Well, we did alert the local authorities to our rival store's conduct on numerous occasions, but our complaints were often dismissed as no real harm to person or property had been caused they're so yet they're so lazy the police in canada aren't they i'm sorry i'm listening to the last podcast on the left and about the serial killers in the in canada it's always the kind of police are fucking terrible look i don't want to do down the whole of the canadian. The Canadian justice system.

But the police sound fucking terrible. Now for the story's climax. One night, following a particularly successful holiday season for our enterprise, one of the indie shop's owners broke into our store with a hammer drunk out of his head. What? And apparently started shouting obesities at the top of his lungs. He started shouting obesities?

Obscenities. Fatty! Fatty, fatty! Chubster! So he started shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs. Thankfully, we were closed for the holiday break at the time of the intrusion and immediately upon shattering the glass door, the rival owner tripped our store's alarm system. Of course. And the police came. holiday break at the time of the intrusion and immediately upon shattering the glass door the

rival owner tripped our store's alarm system of course and the police came i heard that by the time the police arrived on the scene the intruder was passed out over the store's checkout counter and had vomited across one of the cash registers wow he was booked and spent the next year in prison yeah wow fucking hell he fucking broke in. In the end, the indie record store did get the last laugh. Over the next few years, they somehow managed to trundle along on the few remaining customers they had, mostly thanks to the well-timed vinyl resurgence,

while our store... Oh, yes, that happened right around that time, didn't it? It started happening around that time. ...while our store succumbed to the death of the HMV Canada brand. Digital Music Services caught on very, very quickly in Canada. Yeah, it died all over the world, didn't it, around that time as well? In our defence, we were consistently popular and profitable until we closed in 2014.

And I think you'll both agree that we weathered much more than our first year of anti-competitive practices. Thank you for the show. Hope you enjoyed the story. And I look forward to more comedy podcast larks. Keep well, you two. And pass along my sincerest greetings to the great Clyde McFatter. Yeah. Thank thank you melanie i've been trying to get hold of mcfatter it's been very difficult he's not responding to the he's a busy man and he's dead so that helps uh um two

things pop out at me oh sorry i'll put it back in willy willy willy how is it two things you're willy because remember like last week it was the space opera? I thought that was great. I thought that was great. I thought that was great. It wasn't. But anyway, two things pop out at you. Her manager's great massive boobs.

What was that all about? It was just an aside. They're basically saying that they saw a lot of merch. What did she do? Rub them up against the glass. Come on, boomers. No.

And you're like this. You're like this. You're like these tits. Yeah, I'm oiling them up. I've got nipple marks all over the greasy window. So HMV stands for her mammary vag. No one said anything about vag. You pushed it too far there.

That's what happened. Right against the glass. That's one thing that pops out at me. And the other thing was... Great, so that one little sentence, I glanced over. Well, I thought that's funny, isn't it? That a big lady, a big-breasted lady

made people buy merchandise because they wanted to go to the counter and be served by her. I mean, come on. Sex sells, mate. I guess it does. We should make a sexy calendar and sell it.

Cheeky numbers. No. Towel. No. Sportswear. Me and you dressed as footballers in the shower.

Oh, what are you talking about? Rubbing our stroke in the content. What do you mean stroke? January, right? We're in the park

naked. Yeah. February. I'm just spitballing ideas. You're tastefully knobbing off a dog into your mouth.

February, there's a Punch and Judy show. Oh, yeah. And I'm naked bar two hand puppets. Yeah, nude. Why do hand puppets February there's a Punch and Judy show oh yeah and I'm naked bar two hand puppets

why are the hand puppets coming in no March Eli I won't take part in that naked covered in noodles I'll do that

April me roughing you from behind with you wearing the come and go t-shirt oh I'll come and go the other thing that popped out at me Paul

sorry I put it back in again it's these jeans there there there there there was when I said sewing a prawn into a curtain

I just thought that means so two things from the story that didn't that popped out at you weren't necessarily from the story it's your self-obsessed

fucking obsession with yourself I said prawns so two things that stick out you stitching prawns and big tits that's what you took from that story.

Basically, yeah. Great. What a fucking waste of time you are in general. Wretched. Yeah. And unwell. Yeah. Sweaty.

Do you want to apologise to our audience? I'd like to start the whole podcast again. We might. I'm getting to that point now. Really? It is. It's bad today, isn't it? No, it's not.

You're bad today because you drink too much. Don't look after yourself. Eat poorly. And then you're worse for wear. I had some spaghetti today. Did you? Yeah. Did you have anything

with the spaghetti? Sauce. Olive and tomato sauce. Olive and tomato sauce. Is that nice? It's quite nice. Yes. Basil?

I don't mind if I do. I don't know how to end this segment right now. I'll tell you what you should do, Paul. Press stop. No. I might just press stop. No, you should sew some prawns into the curtain.

No, I'm not selling prawns into the curtain. I will sew some fucking hard prawns into your curtain. King prawn. Yeah. Again, I don't know why you laughed at that. Imagine selling a massive king prawn into someone's curtain. I will. I've done it.

Liquefied, drippy queen prawn. Yeah. Queen prawns. Do you get those? Queen prawns? I don't know. I'd like a princess prawn. Prince prawn.

Pring prong. You know what? Press the fucking button. Stop it. Awkward. I'm just trying to have a think About what? What are you thinking about? I'm thinking about

How to introduce this segment I know What are you going to do? I don't know Do a character Jimmy Jimmy Billy Billy Jimmy Willie

I've got it Willie Boy No here we go Willie Boy Jim Stop it here we go Jam Man Here we go I've got it

I'll do Inch Man No no I'll bring Inch Man back If you let me do this If you let me do this I'll I'll do Inch Man. No, no, no. I'll bring Inch Man back. If you let me do this, I'll let you do Inch Man. All right? Let you do what? Let me do this now,

uninterrupted. All right? The nights get cold, the fireplace is warmer, let's go to Page Turner. Oh, fuck. I'll do it. The nights get cold,

the days... What? The fireplace is warmer. Okay. I'm trying to... Page Turner. Turner. What rhymes with Turner What? The fireplace is warmer. Okay. I'm trying to... Page Turner. Turner. What rhymes with Turner? Erner.

You go out and make a nice little Erner. It's time for Paul's Page Turners. You go out and sell your arse. It's a nice little Erner. What's that got to do with Paul's Page Turners? Nothing! There we go. That'll have to do.

Come at my arsehole. So this is a left... Sorry. What? Bums. I don't know. But you did. I let you do that, didn't I?

I did let you do that. Now you can do... There's someone here. Yeah? It's been a long, long time, and I want you to be nice to her. It's been a long time. Come in. in, Larry. Oh, God.

My jingle wasn't worth this. Hello, Paul. Hello. It's Larry Inchman. I know. I noticed by the lack of you attempting a voice, you like to do this character.

So... Go on. Well, I've heard that, you know, my services are needed again. I need you to measure this book in inches, please. All right, and then I'll give you the inches? Give you the inches, yeah, please. He's just measuring it now with his thumb.

And now his penis is out of the way. Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch. In. Oh, so it's what? Five and a half inches? Six and a half. Six and a half inches. That's about national average.

Shall I go now? Yes, please. Thank you. Do you want to say hello to the listeners? Hello, everybody. Larry Inchman here. I'm in recovery. Oh, what from?

I was addicted to painkillers after that incident with Bill Donut. He got me addicted to painkillers. I thought that would be funnier. Right, pass the book, please. Inch. Pass the book, please. Inch. I don't do that.

Or get Ian Larry Inchman. Can I go now? Yes, please go. I'll give you a couple more inches just to keep me... Inch. Tied me over. Inch. Larry Inchman, hello, everyone.

I'm back on. I'm back. I'm back here. I'm shaky. It's good to know you're looking good. All right, Larry, yeah. Inch. Yeah, Larry.

Hi. Hi, Larry. Hey! Larry, hi. Hi, Larry. Thanks for that, Paul. I know, he needs it. He needs it, mate, because, you know, he's like... He was in a bad state when I saw him last. He's a shadow of his former self. I know.

He looked a bit pale. I think getting up to go and let him in the door has completely exhausted me. Pass me the book. Pass me the book, you fucking human wreckage. Just go and rub it on me. I will rub it. There you go.

So this was a book left over from the Black Bin Bag last week, and I left a little note in to say who wrote it, and the note fell out, so I will add it to our metadata, who donated this book, and this book is called Boiling Water in a Paper Cup. Ah. Can you even do that? think you can it says on

the back you can boil water in a paper cup discover the secret of eoxo eoxy just look i know to put a paper ioxo ioxy ioxy oxy ioxy oxy cotton let me see that look what's that word say at the end on the back of the book ioxy oxy it's a hoxie it's some kind of it's probably something else that's in the book that sounds like an incan or mayan god or something doesn't it and make dry quote unquote water i'll make dry no no no that's fucking that is stepping on jimmy sprinkles fucking territory, isn't it? Sprinkles. Here's a collection of fascinating puddles. Puzzles. Puddles?

Puddles of camp. What's wrong with my mouth today? Spunk puddles. Here's a collection of spunk puddles. Puzzles! I love puzzles. And amazing believe-it-or-not facts that seem utterly impossible until you read the explanations in the back of the book.

Oh. So, yeah, it's literally that. It's a collection of curiosities, incredible statements, as well as amazing facts that seem impossible there was all sorts of these wasn't there i used to have this brilliant um 1940s version of one of these books from yeah from america and it's like how to do all of these things and it had all those puzzles with like matches won't move one match to do this had loads of those and like you know coins got a few how to fool your friends it was but it also had like how to make beef bourguignon like how to do this. Had loads of those and coins. It's got a few in here. How to fool your friends, it was. But it also had how to make beef bourguignon,

how to do it cheaply, and all this weird other stuff in there. I really wish I still had that book. You'd love it. I do like those kind of books. But this was like a proper original version of it, like a Marvin Games era, sort of that kind of thing, you know?

Yeah. So it is just a book full of these kind of things. This is British, this one, though. So here's the thing. Is this British? Who published this? I think it's an American book. Who published this?

Scholastic Book Services. That's British. New York, Toronto, London, Auckland, Sydney, and Tokyo. I remember Scholastic. Is it a little bunny or something? Oh, Eric. Oh, look at that fucking sticker. This book belongs to Eric.

So it was Eric who sent this. That's handy. Fucking hell. Why don't you? Give me that sticker. No, it's on the book. Let me see. I want it. who sent this. That's handy. Fucking hell. Why don't... Give me that sticker. No, it's on the book. Let me see. I want it.

Steam it off. It's a little bookworm. I'll wet it off. It's a little bookworm poking its head out of a book. Can I have a look? Honestly, can I have a look? All right. Fucking hell.

Wow, that sticker is so old school, man. It's a little bookworm. And this book belongs to. It's one of those stickers. Yeah. And it's a bookworm with specks on, Paul. He's got little specks on. He's peeking out from inside a book.

He's out of the book. Has he been reading? Or has he been eating the pages of the book? Is that a real thing? Bookworms are like moths that live in books, aren't they? I guess so. And they eat it. And they only have a microphone real close to them.

It's more like... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's good. But here's the thing. Mouth noises. I'm getting there. Yeah, yeah.

But here's the thing. The only time I've ever seen a bookworm is in, like, cartoons from the 1930s, where bookworms come out and they go, oh, I've been eating that book. If you think about it, it must have come from an insect at some stage. I mean, I presume so. It's written by Jerome S. Mayer. What else is there? Inchworm. That's what there fucking is. I've got inch presume so. It's written by Jerome S. Mayer. What else is there? Inchworm.

That's what there fucking is. I've got Inchworm right now. He's in my pocket. Hang on. That's not Inchworm. I'm getting Larry back.

He's sitting in the car park. Maybe he needs Inchworm to keep Larry's jacking up in the car park. Mate, we can't have Larry jacking up.

I'm sorry. That's what he does with his painkillers now. He's advanced. Mate. Can't we just give him... You can't do inchworm. Maybe, no, inchworm can be his little pet to keep him company.

Well, should I? Let's put him in a box. Let's put him back in the box. We'll give him to him later. Okay. Because it's getting dark. He's out there. He'll be on the nod after he's jacked up.

Yes. Oh, I'm excited by this. I'm just skimming through because I'm just having... How do you boil... Do you know how you will boil water in a paper cup? It doesn't actually have... It doesn't say that. It doesn't list them on the front page of like...

There's no content. No, so I'm just going through it page by page at the moment. Oh, here it is. I found it. Boiling water in a paper cup. Can I just say before you start what I think it is? Yeah, go on. How you could.

Go on. I don't know. Go on. Get a paper cup. Yeah. Put it in a... Microwave. No. Well, that would work as well, wouldn't it? It would because it would boil in a paper cup Yeah Put it in a Microwave No

Well That would work as well, wouldn't it? It would, because it would boil Yeah, that's fucking easy What's shit this is Maybe this is pre-microwave technology Pre-microwave What year is this?

Hang on 70s it looks Does look 70s It's a tatty book Very tatty 1970 So yeah, well before microwaves I would just put

Fill a pot Yeah With water Yeah Submerge a paper cup into it Stick the hob on You're a goer It's boiling well before microwaves. I would just put, fill a pot with water, submerge a paper cup into it, stick the hob on, you're a goer. It's boiling,

it's in the cup, it's boiling. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, it's valid, I think, within the parameters of 1970s science. How do you get dry water? You can't, Dan.

You dry it out, come on a windscreen and then squeegee it off after it's dried. No, he covered me in dry water tonight. You smoke it. You smoke people's dry

cum in a it might be actually dry water might be something like a mist or something you know i don't know something mist a glist right boiling water in a paper cup did you know that you can place a paper drinking cup on the stove and light the burner under it without burning the cup at all fuck off now don't try this at home, kids. This is so 1970s, isn't it? It's just like, yeah, burn down your house. Yeah. Hello, kids.

Have you got access to a gun and a knife? Have you yet? Because you could do a great trick. Did you know you can actually prise your eyeball out and still see out of it? Did you know you can shoot a dagger out the sky with a gun? Like, let's do that. It's like, it reminds me of like those adventure playgrounds

I used to have in that era. You know what I mean? Like mostly concrete and scaffolding. Okay, so, of course, all you have to do is fill the cup with water. If you do that and keep the flame fairly low, the cup will not catch fire. The cup will even boil in the cup. How come? And now I've got to go to the back of the book now for the answer to that.

I'll tell you what the answer is. Go on. The water changes the nature of the paper cup. It says the water in the cup keeps the cup cool yeah thus preventing the flame from reaching the kindling temperature necessary to set the cup on fire i still wouldn't fucking want to try that though that's terribly irresponsible of the people who made this book to put that in basically you don't want people fucking around with paper you know when you're out what if it's like a heavy wax paper cup and it's extremely flammable?

Exactly. You know what I mean? What if it's made out of Rizla paper? Yeah Rizla paper. Imagine that full of water on a stove.

It could nap because it's too thin. How could you get water into a Rizla paper anyway? Well exactly. I'm just proving that thin paper would be...

How could you make a cup out of Rizla papers? I guess you could. I'll tell you what you do. What? You get a normal cup, and you sort of paper the inside with Rizlas. Yeah. And then you pull it out.

Yeah, like papier-mâché. And then you fill that with water. Maybe that would work. And then you put it on a... Well, don't try that at home, kids. Here's another one. Can I come in it? How do you stick them up without stick them?

Stick my cum up something? Hang on, what is this? How do you stick them up what? It's a fact. You can actually place playing cards on a wall and have them stay there without using any kind of adhesive.

Rub them on you. Get it all rubby. But do you want to know how? You get them all rubbed up. Static. I'm surprised you didn't just say, I cum on it. Well, splishy splashy.

That counts as glue in this scenario, I think, doesn't it? All it says is, how would you stick it to the wall without adhesive? And glue, cum, isn't necessarily an adhesive. It does work as an adhesive, depending on how hydrated... Certainly according to my magazine collection, yes.

Yeah. Right. Which is rock solid! A playing card... I've got a whole block of Fiestas. What, ice cream? Wasn't Fiesta a porn mag? Maybe.

Razzle. Razzle, Fiesta. Was it was it fiesta no that's a car hustler growler growler readers wives do you know what paul this made me think yeah i'm reading a book about slang at the moment yeah and you know when you go away you describe a wank as a grumble yeah but do you know where that comes from no No. It was rhyming slang, and you've changed the meaning, because it's grumble and... Strife. Grumble and grunt. Cunt.

So, well, I stuck it in here all grumble and stunt last night. Grumble, yeah. But I've made it a sad act for a blast of cock. You've made it into a wanking. But grumble mag doesn't refer to what you do. The grumble are the cunts in the mag. You've heard grumble mag, but that's because it's grumble. There are pictures of grumbles.

Fannies in it, yeah. In there. Big old clops. I'll call it a clop. Isn't that, I thought that was quite interesting. I thought it was quite interesting. It's a rhyming slang. Grumble, ancient, sort of like from the 1700s.

And that just means a sad wank. But that's because of the magazine and it's gone to, do you see what I mean? It's changed. So, a playing card will stick to a wall if you hold it in your hand and rub your feet along the carpet slowly. Yeah, that's what I said, static static but you're not rubbing the card you're holding the card in your hand and then rubbing your feet this is all very much red in the 70s where they had carpets that were 100 nylon and deep shark yeah it's so weird how all of these things like no one would

ever put that as like kids should try and boil water in a paper no i will not without parents around or you know i just wouldn't do it full stop i wouldn't say go on go on put that cup on as kids should try and boil water in a paper cup. No, I would not without parents around. I just wouldn't do it full stop. I wouldn't say, go on, put that cup on the stove. I would try it. We could try it with that Costa cup. Oh, here is the dry water thing. When is water not wet?

It is cacao. It is sticky, sticky, cam, cam. Spoffy, sizzle, glisty, frapper. Glistle, gummy, cammy, bang. Guzzly, pearly goodness. Spop all. Thank you. So, when it is dry, says the book. It's bullshit. You can't get dry water. Do you want to just

let me talk before you just tell me everything's bullshit? This is going to be underwhelming. Like your fucking penis. Just add two teaspoons of zinc stearate to a glass of water and let it float on the surface. Now, dip the tip of your finger,

not more than an inch, inch, into the water. When you take it out, you'll find that your finger is perfectly dry. Try it for yourself. That's a load of shit. And I bet zinc stearate is deeply toxic as well.

Yeah, I don't even know what that is. It's like, Papa, do you have any zinc stearate, please, for my dry water experiment, Papa? No, I use it to jack up with. Mummy's lonely. Now, Paul, that wasn't going where I thought it was going.

You know where I thought it was going? Go on, what? I thought that zinc stearate would be that stuff that they put in those Tokyo piss emergency things that turn your wee into jelly like that what when does this turn this has come up on the show several times before no but what hang on you must piss into the jelly you're on the tube you're getting caught short you're you piss into the salary man in japan you piss into you've got a long commute out of tokyo

yeah i understand that it's a little jar of crystals that become jelly when you wet it. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That's what I thought it was going. I thought the zinc stearate would do that, so it'd make it dry. Do you see what I mean?

Make it into a jelly. It'll still be wet. It'll still be wet jelly. Wet piss jelly. Yeah, jelly-like. Imagine flinging that about. No. Wet piss jelly.

Imagine adding that to a trifle and feeding an ambassador with it. Why? Because I like thinking about those things. Oh, vol-au-vent ambassador! It's piss jelly. Right, here's a puzzle for Eli. A puzzle for Eli to try and solve. And now something to challenge my mind. Okay, here we go.

It's called Double Dilemma. Oh, Double Dilemma, you're bum-bum. Not at all. Makes sense. A certain king who had two sons. Oh yeah, when's his last? Who had two sons.

Right, if you're going to try and figure this out, you have to let me speak. Trouble, trouble. I'm enjoying this, Paul. A king has two sons and left an unusual will. Upon his death, my sons shall ride straight away

to the neighbouring city of Blenheim. To the one who gets there last, I will bequeath my entire kingdom. Queef. Blenheim. Quiff. Blenheim. Quiff. I'm not going to repeat this, so if you don't get it. Oh, okay.

So, the one who gets there last, I'll give my whole kingdom to. The one who gets there last? Last, right. Okay, so it's a reverse race. So, accordingly, when the father died, his sons mounted their horses and headed to Blenheim, a distance of 200 kilometers. But since each was determined to get there last, they soon reached a point where neither would move a step ahead of 200 kilometres. But since each was determined to get there last, they soon reached the point where neither would move a step ahead of the other. Finally, they stood next to each other on the highway,

hopelessly deadlocked at a loss of what to do next. They met a man who offered a solution, but what was that solution? How do you secure getting there last? Just make a deal. The solution is you make a deal. One of you arrives last and gets it, and then you agree to share it.

He's dead, their dad, anyway. They just agreed to share it. Yeah, I guess there might be an executive of the will who has to make sure it goes through. Well, one of you arranges with the other. I'll win it, nudge, nudge, nudge. Surely. Tap, tap, nudge, nudge.

Surely. Do they love each other? We've got no background on these brothers. We don't have any background to these brothers. They sound like pretty bad rivals, don't they? Well, maybe not, because they both decided to stop and figure this out. They didn't because a man came along.

Oh, yeah, good point. They were probably swearing at each other when the man came along. Do you want to know what the man's advice is? Now that I've read it, I'm hugely disappointed. Really? Is it terrible? Give me a clue of what sort of solution is it. So there is a clue in the part of the story, and I'll read the part of the story out which is the clue, all right?

So when the father died, they mounted their horses and headed to Bl the story out which is the clue, alright? So, when the father died, they mounted their horses and headed to Blemen. That's the clue. They mounted their horses. That's the clue? Yeah. Sounds like a dirty movie.

A come and go. Horsey come and go. Yeah. They mounted their horses. Yeah. And rode their horses to Blemen. That's the root

of the solution to this. Don't go to Blemen. I don't. Just tell me. Yeah, right. That's fucking stupid. The man told the king's sons to to this don't go to Bern I don't just tell me yeah right fucking stupid the man told the king's sons to change horses

and then race to town oh do you see what I'm getting at that's not fair that's underhanded that does not a solution it's not because the man was a cunt

well he thought they met some fucking idiot on the road he just went why don't you just fucking go to town and it doesn't make any sense, Paul, is what I'm saying.

Is he saying that if you swap horses, therefore they're not used to the ride? Swap horses and then ride to town? What town? Blenheim? Back? Because what they're saying is, because they're on each other's horses,

they won't know how to ride them to the best of their ability. So therefore, the one who gets there last will be the one who doesn't know how to ride a horse. But then, that still doesn't answer the question.

Mate, that is one of the worst things I've ever witnessed in my whole life. That is letting down generations of children. Poor Eric. He must have looked at that and thought, what's the point? If people are going to treat me like this, going to set up something like that

and fucking just completely fail to answer it. Completely fail in every way. Who wrote this? Who wrote this? Well, I don't know who wrote it particularly, but this is compiled by Jerome S. Meyer. It's him. It's S. Meyer.

Come on, give me another one. I like that. I didn't like it when it was awful. Oh, I hate it. It was like when we did that thing on Boshans, near the brain teasers, and it was all like, how many bottles of 4P?

They were just wrong. And it's like, what? What are you talking about? They were wrong. But also, you know what fascinates me about these books is they are a little window onto sort of what is acceptable for children at the time yeah and both of those in different ways suggest how it was different then like the whole boiling water in a paper cup is just purely health and safety just wouldn't it wouldn't you wouldn't

you couldn't do that on play school the whole way that it would be so easy with the amount of static electricity you could generate just by rubbing your feet on the ground just says something about what carpets were made of. Little Timmy's in hospital. Why? Well, he had a boiling cup of paper on the stove while he was trying to make cards static and the resulting explosion took out the building.

And then he had a fucking embolism because he was so angry with the fucking non-solution to the fucking king's son. All right, here's another one for you called Guessing Odds or Evens. Right? Odds or Evens, yeah. Sue Smart had an argument

with Gilbert Goof. Oh, you fucker. And Billy Blowhard. Did we write this? Suckhard? Really? While I'm berating this for a lack of imagination,

you fucking say that? Spoffhard. Great. Is that the Bruce Willis film that got banned? Let's start again. Listen. Sue Smart had an argument...

A blow goofy blowhard. Johnny Goof. What's he called? Sorry, I will listen. Do you know what's hard? When you go, what's that cunt called? As you're talking over me

telling you his fucking name. Just tell me and I know what's hard. I know what's always hard. Sue Smart had an argument with Gilbert Goof and Billy Blowhard. They boasted boys had better heads for figures than girls, but

Sue disagreed. To prove her point, she asked that one pick an odd number and the other pick an even number and not tell her what the numbers were or who would pick which. Sue directed Gilbert to double his number and Billy to triple his and then add the results.

When they gave their answer, she promptly announced which boy had chosen an odd number and which an even number. Sue's trick dates back to Shakespeare's day. Can you figure it out?

Yes. So, you pick an odd number, I pick an even, you double that number and I triple it and then I'm gone. Okay, let's get very basic. Let's go two and three.

Add the results. But we turn around and say it was 366. And then from that, she knows which one picked odds and evens. Yes. But it doesn't say any point in this puzzle. They told her the number. That's so badly written, this book. Really?

No, no, no. When they gave the answer, she promptly announced which boy had chosen an odd number and an even number. So they went, here's my number. Let's add our numbers together. 500, say. So I times it by two. Yeah. So you pick an odd number and an even number. So they went, here's my number, let's add our numbers together, 500, say. So I times it by two. Yeah. So if you pick an odd number

right now, three, and I'll pick an even, four, and you double yours and I triple mine, so six and 12. Yeah.

Right? Now what do we do with that? Add them together and we get 18. And then from that, Sue knows which one of us picked odds and evens. No, she doesn't.

That's what it says here. Well, does she know who's tripling and who's doubling? Yeah, because she says whoever's got the doubles, whoever had the odd number had to double it and whoever had the even

had to triple it. No. Fuck. Gilbert had to double his odd number and the triple number was... She asked one to pick it up.

Oh, no. No, she doesn't know which one picked which so between the two of them you went I'll do odds and I'll do even and then one of them doubled it

and one of them tripled it ah now I'm beginning to make sense no I don't understand at all I'm much further away from understanding

than I was well because what the puzzle's saying is that there are only so many mathematical can I read it can I please read it

myself Paul it's that one 78 the front page has just come up to be good it really is Mathematical Can I read it? Yeah Can I please read it Myself, Paul? It's that one, 78 The front page has just Come off to be good It really is This is the last service This book will ever do So me and you

Me and you pick a number each But we don't tell her That you've picked odds And I pick evens Then you double yours And I triple mine And then we add them together And tell her the answer

No, no And then she goes From that Which one of us Picked odds And which is evens How? I don't know The answer's in the back Of the book, isn't it? How? But I'm guessing That the number The overall number the answer and then she goes from that which one of us picked odds and which is even how I don't know

the answer's in the back of the book isn't it how but I'm guessing that the number the overall number will have to be yeah but how can

a number's just a number so it's 18 how do I just tell you 18 and then I go oh you picked odds but I don't know how how would you know

shall I read it up because this is beginning to embarrass us both fucking annoy me to shit give it here what if we said said two and three? I pick two.

And I pick three. So that means you have four and I have nine. And then we say together the answer is... Thirteen. Thirteen. And then she'll go, right, Eli picked that. How? I don't know.

Shall I just fucking read this? No, this is going to be disappointing. What was it, number 78? She says, don't tell us who picked what. Here we go. No, but someone with the... disappointing. What was it? Number 78. She said, don't tell us who picked what. Here we go. No, but someone with the... It's always the odd has to... It doesn't say which one said to her the number.

Oh, mate. Oh, mate. I'm in a world of hurt here. Shall I just get this out of the way? I'm in a world of pain. This is going to be so bad. Sue asked Gilbert... Sue asked that Gilbert double his number,

Billy triple his, and then add the results. She knew that if the sum... Yeah, but why did she ask? That's not in the fucking question. That's not what it says in the question. Let me finish reading this out

so we have the whole information. Sue asked Gilbert to double his number and Billy to triple his and then add the results. She knew that if the sum were even, Gilbert had chosen the odd number. Therefore, Billy had chosen

the even number. Yeah, because she knows. Oh, no. Okay, so she said you... She knows who doubles it and who... Yeah, so she doesn't know what the number is

but she told you to double yours yeah but that's not what it says in that book is it not no read out the billy blah blah blah

they both said blah blah blah blah so to prove the point she asked that one pick an odd number and the other pick an even number

yeah but wait and then sue told gilbert to double her number oh that says it there and billy to

triple his okay so it is in there all right so what we've learned there is we're shit bastards.

Do you want to know how to untie a knot in human hair? You might like this solution. So the offer is to offer the bet, right? So you have to moisten it in some way.

Yeah. I'll get it all nice and moist. So you go into a pub, right? And you offer to bet someone that you can undo a knot in a strand of hair. This is exactly like that book I had

with all these little bets and things. This is like, it's a proper genre. There's loads of these. It's like when you buy a magic set. It has 150 tricks. You get four tricks and then over 100 shitty little things like this.

Yeah. Right. So you pluck a hair out of your head or anyone's head, it says. Well, you should do yours. And then tie a simple knot as shown. So, you know, just cross it and tie it. Right. That'd be quite tricky with a single hair.

And you try it until it's tight. Yeah, I know. Right. That's what I'm thinking. How do you do it? Draw a knot as tight as possible without a single hair. And you try it until it's tight. Yeah, I know, right? That's what I'm thinking. How do you do it? Draw a knot as tight as possible without snapping the hair. And then it will be almost invisible and cannot be untied with

the fingers. Even with the aid of tweezers, pins or other tools. I don't know how you're going to do this. How are we going to do this? Place the hair in the topmost crease of your palm, right? I'm doing it now. I'm doing this. I've just got to get a hair. Alright, Eli, do it then. He's pulled a hair out of I've just got to get a hair. You're going to do it? All right, Eli. All right, do it then.

He's pulled the hair out of his fucking horrible wreck head. Fuck off. His fucking Wurzel Gummagee fucking visage. Listen, Sailor Jim.

You know what you look like? You look like a Chippendale who's lived a really tough life since 1988. At least I sometimes used to get my dick out for the ladies. Yeah, but now you're just

getting it out for the fucking dinner ladies. Dinner ladies need cock as well. Who bring your meals on wheels every fucking fortnight. Are they dinner ladies? I call them dinner ladies. They're not dinner ladies.

They're meals on wheels ladies. You get all your jobs are fucked. Either way, you're wanking off in front of people who deliver your hot curries. That guy, Bin Man Ben, he's not a fucking proper job, is he?

It is. He's a bin man during the day, but he does this on the side, doesn't he? Delivers what? Trash. That doesn't work for me. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Have you tied a knot yet? proper job is it it is he's a bin man during the day but he does this on the side delivers what trash that doesn't work for me oh i'm sorry i'm sorry have you tied a knot yet i'm finding it hard to just tie a knot simple how just tie a knot you hear i'm not touching your fucking dirty man it's fine i'm not touching your main i used a shampoo bar yesterday i don't want to

touch your hair l'oreal shampoo i don't want to touch any part of you in general so just tie a knot in it. It's not that hard. I can't do it. Why can't you do it? All the light's shining the wrong way. It's because you've got

trotter hands, isn't it? That's why you can't do it. You have the dexterity to tie a simple knot in a strand of hair because you have great big You try it with one of your ears.

I don't have long enough hair. I don't have a long enough piece of hair to do it. So you can't Yeah. I tried to use one of me piabs piabs me piabs i'll pluck a piab out pluck one of your aureole hairs all right so let's just get on with this chips okay so you put the knot in the hair in the topmost crease of your

palm the knot near the palm edge so in the little picture it's basically putting it right up there yeah i haven't got a good crease up there. And the tail of the knot protruding. So that means if you've got a long piece of hair, it has to come out of either side of your hand and the knot right in the middle

on the uppermost part of your palm. Right? Liberally moisten the knot with saliva. Oh, this is... So now you've got to lick your hand. What is going on with this book? So you've got to lick the hair

in your hand. I've got to lick it. Why would someone want to watch you do that? Hang on. Here we go. Next, close your fist and start pounding the tail against your other palm as shown. I see what it's doing. You're working it out.

You've got this palm and you're bashing it on your hand. Mate, you go into a pub and say, look what I can do. I know. You get chucked out. You get chucked through the window. Out of the pub. Yeah. It will take a few minutes,

but if you keep pounding, the knot will begin to open up. So continue to pound. No. Soon the knot will be sufficiently loosened for you to untie it with your fingers.

That is terrible and weird and unhygienic. I don't mind just doing that. That's weird. Unhygienic. This whole book is grubby and dangerous and unhygienic. I don't mind just doing that. That's weird. Unhygienic. This whole book is grubby and dangerous and unhygienic, like the era it was born in.

Yeah. Let's have another one. I love that. Let's do one more then, shall we? Let's do one more. Just on a technical point though, Paul, you could use come for that, couldn't you? You could.

You could. I mean, you could make the whole experience worse. Of all the things today, of all the mentions of spunk today, that's the most technically appropriate. I'm going to end with this one called cooking with gas, but cooking is spelled

K-O-O-K-I-N-G. Cooking. Cooking. Cooking with gas. Liverpool with K. Yeah. At the beginning. So,

cooking with gas or cooking. Cook, as in a cook. Yeah. It says cooking with gas. Oh, this is not going to be. I'm reading this out

because they're fucking, okay, so there's a lot of Ks in this for no reason. How can they use this to roam? It sounds like a fucking... It's like he hates kids. He wants them to hurt themselves. Do you know what I mean?

You ready? Coco, the king of coops, consulted his chief kook about the kooking in the castle kookery. Cookery. Let's have a quick look at that before I carry on reading. See how all the Ks are written? It's just everything's Ks for every C. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what I'm putting up with. Coco, the queen of of kooks consulted the chief kook about the kooking in the

castle cookery coco quaffed the kook only two conditions can occur and they are mutually exclusive kook cackled coco you're cuckoo thank you you see either a kook is kooking or he is not kooking therefore he is not kooking he is kooking king coco scratched his crown you mean he is not kooking then he is kooking exactly so quit complaining what was wrong with the not kooking. He is kooking. King Coco scratched his crown. You mean he is not kooking, then he is kooking? Exactly. So quit complaining. What was wrong with the chief kook's logic? What the fuck did I just read?

I'm going to have to read that myself. Now, take notes here, Paul, of what the kooks are doing. The proposition here. Just try and hold in your mind what the kooks are doing and what they're using, what their utensils are.

All right. Coco, king of the kooks. King of the kooks, yeah. He's just the king of the kooks. Doesn't matter. Yeah. Let's just call him Coco. Coco. He consulted his chief chef. Let's call him a chef and not a kook. Yeah. Let's just try and de-kookify. If you were in the following, this would be easier. Kookery? What the fuck's a kookery?

I don't know. The castle kitchen is what it is. Yeah, it's what it's saying, isn't it? Coco said the king because his name's Coco, his chef. Oh, yeah. So the king's not called Coco, is he? No. No, the king's called who? What's the king called? King Kook. Oh, no. Yes. No. The cook's talking to the king. Cook's talking to the king who's Coco, his chef. Oh, yeah. So the king's not called Coco, is he? No. No, the king's called who? What's the king called? King Cook. Oh, no, yes, no. The cook's talking to the king.

Cook's talking to the king, who's called Coco. Yes. So Coco said the chef. The cook's talking to Coco. Yeah. Right. Only two conditions can occur, and they are mutually exclusive. So only two things can happen.

Is this like a... Only two things can happen, and only one of them can happen. Like a... That's weird. It's saying there's two possibilities that things can happen. And they are mutually exclusive, which means one can only happen if the other one doesn't.

Yeah, and vice versa. Yes. All right? That's all he's saying. My brain. I don't know what he's referring to. My brain hurts. So, the king replies.

Yes. You're cuckoo. You're mad. Yeah. Because it does sound weird, that, doesn't it? How can something be mutually exclusive and also be a pair of things that could happen? Do you know what I'm getting at? Anyway. That's what I'm saying. That's like throwing this cat, isn't it how can something be mutually exclusive and also be a pair of things that could happen do you know what I'm getting at

anyway that's what I'm saying that's like Schrodinger's cat isn't it the cat's either dead or alive at any one time depending on who's observing it no no

we're not mate you know what we're not doing that you don't understand it you don't understand that no I do understand Schrodinger's cat but no

in the thought experiment the cat is both dead and alive at the same time it's in a superposition but until it's observed it could be either. No. Yes, that's the whole point.

No, when you observe it, it becomes either dead or alive. Yeah. But before you've observed it, it's in both. I just said that. That's not what you said. It is what I just fucking said. Fuck. You cunt with a K.

Quoth I as I queefed out my Dutch oven. Coug. Now, let's see if we can fucking solve this. Because a children's Fucking book From 50 years ago Is not going to Fuck me up It is

And it has already Ah okay So the king's like You're fucking mad mate Yeah You know What the fuck do you mean Like a bit like us Paul

Yeah So this is the chef Explaining himself Yeah You see either a cook Is cooking Either a chef is Making preparing food

Yeah he's cook or cooking. Or he is not cooking, or he's not preparing food. Yeah, obviously. Therefore, if he's not cooking, he is cooking. If he is not cooking, he is cooking. Yeah, because he's not cooking, then he's cooking. Shut up. Shut up!

I'm just repeating the book. You mean if he is not cooking, then he is cooking. How can he be both not doing it and doing it Paul? Is that like this drawbridge is closed and open and closed?

What's wrong with the chief's cookbook? Give me the book. I want to get this sorted. I'm fucking tired of this book. Is there something

at the back that answers this? If you go to 78 at the back or whatever the number is it gives you the answer. You can't cook and not cook at the same

time. I know. So let's sort this out before I fucking start smashing this What number is it? What's the sort this out before I fucking start smashing this room up. What number is it? What's the number on the actual puzzle? You've closed the book.

I have not closed the book. Well, then look for the number. 88. So look for 88 at the back. Cooking with gas. Which is what I do when I make a tattoo. No, no. Come on, wrap this up.

I'm bored now. What's it? 88. Shut up, you. 88. This has really put me in a bad mood, this cooking one. All of them have put me in a bad mood, this kooking one. All of them have put you in a bad fucking mood.

I can't fucking find shit back here. Give me an ear, you useless fucking sperm goblin. 88, you say. This is not going to be a satisfying solution to the kooking. No, I'm close to fucking trashing this joint. Well, the book is for you. Kooking with gas solution. A vital negative was omitted.

The chief kook should have said, therefore, if he is not kooking with Gash, solution. A vital negative was omitted. The chief kook should have said, therefore, if he is not kooking, he is kooking. Fuck off! The answer to the puzzle is, the thing we didn't tell you in the first part is important. Do you know what I mean? I just, I can't... He's evil and he wants children to be unhappy

and feel stupid and hurt themselves with fire. Do you know what I mean? That's terrible. What was that other one we did? Alligators. That was a bit more fun, wasn't it?

That was a lot of fun, that. Still had some very questionable, like, didn't have, like, penis operations

or inflating your nutsack with a straw. Right, that is all in your fucking head. Right, that's been Paul's page turner for this week.

Should we do the little theme? do it again. I go out and I bump people and it's a nice earner but that's nothing

cars come home I got bumping wasn't involved last time alright I josh people off alright I go out

I walk the streets and I let people do me that's not going to rhyme with page turner now is it you can sell

some cars it's a nice little earner. Thanks for listening to Paul's Page Turners. Thank you for being bummed. Gurner, that works as well. No, you don't have to. Let's just move on. And that's all we've got time for this week on Cheap Show.

Well, basically go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. It's your one-stop shop to links for Patreon, to our merch, to videos, to pages for every episode with images and things like that. If you go there, you'll get access to it like YouTube. It's all there, thecheapshow.co.uk. If you'd like to support us on Patreon, please do. It helps keep this podcast alive and we deeply appreciate it. Thank you, patrons. It is patreon.com forward slash cheap show

and now you've got years and years of videos and magazines and podcasts to go back through behind the scenes stuff exclusive videos ooh Paul

I just I contributed to the next cheap show magazine the next cheap show magazine is going to be fucking fantastic but I've done a little there's a little thing

Ben's done some sterling work yeah I've done a little there's a little thing it's a new feature yeah yeah yeah it's replacing one of the old features and it involves myself I don't know when that's out exactly but it's it's soonish um we're planning episode 300 for a live show it will be in london probably at the same location

that we did digitize alive the harrow art center oh yeah the plan is july i can't give you any more information than that but if you want to come see cheap show live for the first time in properly two years and there'll be plenty more tickets than the last time we did it live. Yeah, it's going to be a big venue. It's double the size of that venue. And if you're a patron, you're going to get discounts and early access to seats as well.

So that's also a good reason to be a Patreon person should you want to. So yeah, July, put it in your diaries. Cheap Show Live in London. We're going to try and make it a great big fucking huge show

with some fantastic guests. But as of right now, that's all we've planned. So, I don't know that would be good my twitter uh yes go through the twitter at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show and eli is eli snoidy l-i-s-n-o-i-d paul's looking for something i just want to get the po details if you don't mind i'm going to pull those up right now pull up those details i'm going to pull up those details right now because we love it when you send stuff in the po box maybe it's

a bespoke price of shite, some vinyl, a toy, a board game. Maybe you just want to throw something weird you've seen in a charity shop

to us for our future bin bag episodes. In fact, I was just about to say, Paul, I don't know if people, it was quite convincing your whole trash to app thing,

but in fact, all of the stuff in the black bin bag wasn't delivered by an angry man. It was actually all sent in by you guys. So thank you so much. So if you have anything that you think would be really good for a black bin bag

episode which will freak us out amaze us astound us or just you know make us question our existence send it to us um you can go and send it to our po box it's cheap show po box 1309 harrow ha19qj but all the information for contacting us will be in a podcast episode in our metadata. If you click on your podcast app and you look for the episode, it's all there. It's all there, isn't it? I just wanted to say as well,

some people feel disappointed because their stuff isn't used immediately. But what the Black Been Bad episode demonstrates is we do get to stuff in the end. In the end. Anything interesting, we get to it in the end. And I've got some milky pellets as well. That's a separate issue.

So that's it for Cheap Show. Next week, we're going to do something not a little bit different, but we've got a theme for next week's episode. We're quite excited about it. I'm looking forward to that, Paul.

We've been compiling this on and off for a couple of years. So we're looking forward to that. Should I tell him? Nah, fuck him. Nice surprise. Yeah. Fuck you as well.

That's it. Fuck you. What else? And email us if you want to, thecheapshowatgmail.com. That's it. That's another week of Cheap Show. Thank you for supporting us.

We'll see you next time. Are they pearls of spunk, though, Paul? Paul, I'm actually sick of saying spunk. Well, then stop saying it. You're in charge of that. I'm not in charge of my own mouth. Good. Oh. No, don't do the wank.

Just press the button. I'll press it. Night, night. Bye-bye. Night, night. Bye-bye. Night, nurse. Good morning.