CheapShow - Ep 267: Saturday Morning Showdown Part One

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

For kids of the 1970s through to the late 90s, Saturdays were defined by their morning children’s TV programming. Whether it was BBC or ITV, you could expect 3 hours of cartoons, interviews, games, prizes, sketches and all kinds of edutainment. This week on CheapShow, Paul & Eli decide to find out which of the early, classic shows was the best. After scouring charity shops and auction sites, the Cheap Chaps have collated a collection of Saturday Morning TV tat, from books to novelty records! Based on the quality of this merchandise, they’ll decide which show reigns supreme. However, there is a problem… There is TOO much to talk about and investigate, so they’ve decided to split this quest into two parts. In Part One, Paul & Eli will look at the pioneers of those early broadcasts, Tiswas (from ITV) and Swap Shop (from the BBC) and see what they had to offer. As they will find out, there are surprises in store, quaint old practices to admire, weird stories to gawp at and dull tales to tolerate from a young Noel Edmonds. It’s a show packed with nostalgia, stupidity, and the usual upsetting and vulgar tangents. See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-267-saturday-morning-showdown-part-1 And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, I'm Paul. And I'm Eli. It's Saturday morning. It's nine o'clock and it's time for the Saturday morning showdown. Come and join us. Yeah, come on everybody. Yeah, come in here. Now put that away.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. Go J! People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I am Paul and that is Eli. And we're doing something a little bit different this week. I thought we'd do something a little bit fun, a little bit nostalgic, a little bit lovely. A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

A little bit about your father and a cat. A little bit of this. Is that a real song? No. A little bit of that, a little bit of this, a little bit of me in a jar full of that. A little bit about your father and a cat. A little bit of this. Is that a real song? No. A little bit of that. A little bit of this. A little bit of mummy in a jar full of piss. A little bit of this. A little bit of that.

A little bit of daddy inside of a cat. Daddy, why is it daddy? Animals, daddy. Immediately, the Freudian river. A little bit of this. A little bit of that. Gushes forth. A little bit of spoff in the top of my hat.

A little bit of that and a little bit of this. That's more like it. And a little bit of brist on this. A little bit of glist on the. A little bit of that. Gushes forth. A little bit of Spoff in the top of my hat. A little bit of that and a little bit of this. That's more like it. And a little bit of brist on this. A little bit of glist on the air. A little bit of glist on this. A little bit of glist in the air. Right, we've gone off the rails already a minute in. It's Saturday Morning TV!

So, what we're doing this week is we're going to pit four classic Saturday Morning Kids TV shows against each other to see which comes out as top best. But we're not just going to talk about the details and the facts and the fancies of the show. We're not. The facts and the fancies? The facts and the fancies of the show. What's a fancy? Name one fancy.

Like a fancy fruit. Not a fact which was broadcast in 1982 on the ATV. You're talking about like a sweetbread? Yeah. Which can be animal genitals. Sweetbread. Right, okay. Fried in breadcrumbs. Yeah. Which can be animal genitals. Sweet bread. Right, okay, so... Fried in breadcrumbs.

Pig bollock in breadcrumbs, Paul. Sliced, nice. Little bit of maybe a creme fraiche on the side. Crispy pig bollock. Paul, we should say to our international listenership as well, these are all Britishish saturday morning tv shows because there must be equivalents in other parts of the world i don't know it's a good question i don't know if there's ever a proper equivalent let's get back to my point so we're

going to judge this not just exactly on the details of the shows and the history we're going to look at some of the merchandise that came out for these shows back in the day and i have secured a thing like annuals and records and books and all sorts. He's got a good little collection, a little cachet, a little tranche. A little poultice of pleasurable. Not a poultice. Don't fucking overuse poultice. It's a Saturday morning poultice. Don't overuse poultice, Paul.

By the way, spuffy poultice, jizz and clop. No, I didn't say poultice. You know, it's all the same. Tranche, a cachet or tranche. That's what we've got. A tranche or cachet of some interesting items. No, not attaché. Attaché.

We all fall down. A lovely little collection of stuff that you've amassed. So we're going to look at each of these shows with all of their associated merchandise. And at the end of the show, we're going to judge which one we think is best. Yes. I think that's first. So on the docket tonight, today, this morning, tomorrow, we are going to be looking at

Tis Was. Tis Was. Tis Was, which was an ITV Saturday morning show. And then there was Swap Shop on the BBC. Very few recollections of that. We're going to be talking about

number 73, which was this ITV equivalent. Again, I just remember hating it. Hating it. Great. And then finally, to end on such a high note, we'll be talking about Saturday Superstore. Hating it. Great. And then finally, to end on such a high note, we'll be talking about Saturday Superstore.

Art of shit. Really. So there you go. We don't have to listen now. There's Eli's point. No, no. I'm going to play fair. And by the rules you've set out

at the beginning of the episode, Paul, I will look at the merch and judge it purely on the quality of the merch that we have before us. Is that what you would like me to do? I would like to do that, yes. And just cleanse my mind. As it were, cleanse until I have a blank slate.

I only exist to assess merch. That's it. I'm like a being born fresh into the world. You're a merch assessment man. Merch assessment. Merch assessment man. Yes, you're merch assessment man. I want you to assess the merch, man will man yeah good god you're fucking annoying no right you haven't

done enough research i've done all the research what research have you done did you go out and look for any of this stuff did you collate any of this stuff i found the mic collection you've done nothing you add nothing all you do is you sit there and bark spunk words. Oh, this is what this is going to turn into, isn't it? I haven't said any spunk words. I'm just saying I'm up for this competition. I said I will play by the rules you set out. How is that not cooperating?

I had a Chodney bit. I had a little Chodney spot-off bit. I know. Ready to go. And I was humming it to myself before you arrived today. Before you arrived, I had a whole thing, you know, like, you say Chodney, we say Boroff. A bit like that.

It was a bit like that. No, what was it to the tune of? It was to the tune of... You fucking annoying porcine cretin. I'll remember. Just for you, because of this, porcine? Yes. How dare you?

I'm not having any of this from you today. This is a very serious episode for me. I want us to......forensically judge which one of these arbitrary you today. This is a very serious episode for me. I want us to... ...forensically judge which one of these arbitrary things in the past is best. Okay. Right? And we've got those shows. Now...

You've put me in my place. I have. Fucking hell. Do you want to mention before we get started about your hat that you're wearing right now? I've got a cup noodles hat. It doesn't matter. Noodles aren't important to you anymore. Nothing's important to you anymore on this podcast, is it?

I've got a letter who sent it. Hang on. I should have pulled that out. Hang on. His back hurts everybody. I don't complain about it like you do every week when you get hungover. You go, I'm hungry. Have I complained about it? I have been nothing but a gentleman

this episode so far. Ben in London. All business. You a Nissan Cup Noodle hat in a TK Maxx. Loves the show. Keep up the good work. Thought of you when he got it.

Thank you very much. I'm wearing it now. It is a Nissan Cup Noodles official merch. Pictures on our website. Thecheapshow.co.uk And I feel like a proper podcaster now

because I'm wearing it as I do the podcast. Yeah, you do look like one of those horrible American podcasters that dresses up in sportswear for a conversation about Ed Gein. Yeah, just have another go and insult

our listener who sent it as well. I'm not insulting Ben. No, just insult everyone. Insult me. No, I'm not. I'm insulting you because I can and you deserve it. I do not. You are your bovine. Your big moo bovine twat you are. Great. This isn't great, isn't it?

Chewing the cud, are you? Yeah. All got full stomachs, have you? You big cow. You equestrian cock. Actually, if I was equestrian cock, it'd be quite a big one, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would be a big one. It'd be a good old daggly one.

Yes, but you wouldn't have to sort of scoop the whole hardened wax bits and get caught under their foreskins out, would you? What way? Hey, hang on. I saw a picture of it on Twitter and I've never recovered, basically. What, you came that hard? Yeah, scoop that chunky foreskin. Are we going to do the first fucking show?

Scoop that funky foreskin, white boy. Scoop that funky foreskin out. Waxy hardened wax. On that horse foreskin, do youaxy, hardened man. Sock on that horse foreskin till you get the gooey in your mouth. Boom, boom. That's another good reference. He must have been on Saturday morning TV.

Hey, well, interesting. Let's jump the gun a little bit. Remember, we're going to talk about Swap Shop later in the show. They did bring that back later, not too long ago, but it was fronted by Basil Brush. It was fronted when it to talk about Swap Shop later in the show. They did bring that back later not too long ago, but it was fronted by Basil Brush. It was fronted when it came back.

But it wasn't a Saturday morning show. It was just a kid's show called Basil Brush's Swap Shop. Do you think he appeared on the original one though? He must have. He was on everything, wasn't he? He was on everything.

He would have been banging around at that time. Now, the only reason he might not have been on it was if he was an ITV property and not a BBC one, but I don't know how that all works. We have spoken about him

because we had an LP of Basil Brush's stuff. We've literally spoken to Basil Brush as well. Oh, yeah, we spoke to him as well. In that 28-hour comic relief thing. And we would have broken it if the Guinness Book of Records hadn't gone, oh, you didn't tell us in time. Give us 500 pounds.

And I was like, no, I told you about six months ago we were going to do it. No, fuck them. So fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck the Guinness Book of World Records and you can take that to the bank. McWhirter the squirter.

Yeah. I'm about to break the Guinness Book of World Records for filling a corpse with cum. Are you? Where are you doing that? I don't know why he said that. I don't know.

Shall we just start this thing? I'm ready. Let's start this show. Boys ready i've got let's start this show boys and girls it's saturday morning let's go wild in the aisles that's supermarket sweep right let's start this right we're ready to go it's saturday morning so let's begin with the progenitor of it all tis was Was. Roll the credits. Oh, roll it. ¶¶ Saturday is just one Every day to this cause Saturday is just one day

Saturday Saturday Saturday Is just one day Saturday Saturday Saturday is just oneWaz Day. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday is TizWaz. Never a day to miss a cast.

Saturday is TizWaz Day. So, yes, we're starting with TizWaz because chronologically it was the first. TizWaz was the first. Now, I know a lot of people quite rightly give credit to Swap Shop for the Saturday morning show genre. I think what it is, is Swap Shop is much more typical and sort of established the actual style that was carried forward by the later shows. Tizwas was its own thing. It established all those... Tizwas was just a show that happened to inhabit that slot.

Do you see what I mean? Well, if we want to go into the... But was before. Was before it. Yeah. habit that slot do you see what i mean well if we want to go once before was before yeah if we want to go into the brief history of uk saturday morning tv what happened was at the weekend there was filler programming you know like cartoons uh weird little kind of short films from around the world just anything was thrown in for kids for kids to you know to get up and

what began in 1974 if i remember remember rightly, was ATV, which was a production company that would make programming for the regions in ITV because ITV wasn't really called ITV then, was it? I don't really remember. It was just a bunch of associated regional companies, wasn't it? Whereas the BBC broadcast to the nation on commercial channels, they were all made by independently regional production companies. And you used to have different ones on the weekend as well.

Yeah. Weirdly. Weirdly. So, like, in the UK, it was bizarre. So, in terms of the commercial countries, it was cut up into Welsh TV, which was, you know, S4C. And then you had Tyneteens and Central and Granada. Which meant when you watched ITV in different parts of the country, you had quite different programs and programming. Yeah.

Didn't you? So, what they made in 74 was a thing called This Is Saturday. And This Is Saturday basically took all the shows they were already showing, all the cartoons and the crap things and the repeats, and linked them just with like Tarrant and stuff, coming in and doing little bits of stuff. Just a link. Literally just links.

But then as it developed and grew, I mean, this is the very very very broad version history of it but as it grew this is saturday became this is saturday watch and smile which is tis was yes now i don't remember tis was ever had containing other programming like other cartoons or other bits and pieces did it i think it must have well it started as link so it did but then i think something but it was something you tuned in to watch tis was you didn't tune in to watch you know whatever like the mr t cartoon or whatever they were showing yeah but i think what happened is the space between those features got more distant as they started doing the the water throwing and the sketches and the games

that's what i mean it became its own thing yeah and i think i probably watched it right at the end of its run it didn't actually become national until the last year. No, it started regional. Yeah. It started regional, and then ITV was changing around. It started in the Midlands. It was in the Midlands, wasn't it? No, I forgot what my point was now.

Tis was good. Tis was started in the Midlands, and then it didn't become a national TV show until five years into its run. No, no. It was slowly metered out across the country, network by network. So a lot of people, I don't even, I mean, I think it was it was slowly metered out across the country network by network so a lot of people i don't even i mean i think it says like it didn't get to ireland and uh and granada until

like 80 81 which is right at the end of its run so that's why i think like in my generation i wasn't familiar with tis was until much later because i wasn't exposed to it growing up in the granada region right as far as i remember anyway it was a big deal in my early childhood. Did you watch it? Yeah. Okay. It was a naughty thing because I didn't have TV because we were hippies. I didn't have TV until...

Was that a family made decision? Was like, we're not going to have TVs in this house. Absolutely. Because they breed the devil. Yeah, absolutely. But not the devil. They were like corrupting. Yeah.

Because they were big hippies, my parents. But when I went around to my friend's house and stayed the night on a Friday, then I'd be exposed to Tiswas. And of course, everyone used to talk about it, Tiswas, in the playground and stuff. Because it was kind of naughty, wasn't it? Yeah. And so for me, it had that even specialer frisson. Yeah, because it was illicit.

And I didn't see it very often. But when I did, it was like, oh my God. I can't believe they're getting away with this. They're smashing each other they're throwing buckets at each other and then of course Lenny Henry was introduced

that must have been the first time I ever saw Lenny Henry yeah because I know he was banging around on things like New Faces beforehand he wasn't exactly

unfamiliar with TV by the time he did Tis Was no it just wasn't like he wasn't a well known name he was on his way

to being with his famous David Bellamy impression which is on that record isn't it the LP we've got the LP yeah well well-known name across the country. He was on his way to being, with his famous David Bellamy impression. Grambly Grumblegrove. Which is on that record, isn't it? The LP, we've got the LP. Yeah, well, this is where we get into it now. So we could just talk about the history of this.

There's no real point, but effectively it was an anarchic Saturday morning show with interviews and competitions and games hosted by, and this is the cast, because I've got the annual here. They're on the back cover, mate. Well, no, two of them are, yeah. So you've got Chris Tarrant, right?

You've got Chris Tarrant and we all know Chris Tarrant because even if you don't know him, like international listeners, if they don't know him, they will know who wants to be a millionaire, which was the biggest thing Tarrant ever got involved with

and probably secured his grotesque wealth for the rest of his life. He was quite grotesquely wealthy before that. Yeah. Because that was Selador, wasn't it? He had a hand in Selador because that was born from... Actually, the truths of Selador

probably go back to Tiswas. You think? I would have thought so in some respect. Well, he was the only one who's sort of like still a name, at least in Britain,

that you'd recognise. He certainly, you know, he's popped in and out of relevance reasonably well over the course of his career. He was a good host, I guess, on that show. He's like, you know, he's popped in and out of relevance reasonably well over the course of his career. He was a good host, I guess, on that show, wasn't he? He's like, you know, he can be an annoying presence, but in all honesty, he was good at what he did. When you put him up against similar figures, Clarkson, you know, or Edmonds.

Edmonds. You know what I mean? He comes off, you know, fairly well. Yeah, I've heard all about that. What do you mean? Are you suggesting I would knob off Taron? That wasn't what I mean he comes off you know fairly well yeah I've heard all about that what do you mean you're suggesting I would knob off Tarrant

that wasn't what it was you've heard about what me having sex with Chris Tarrant that's what you've heard about is that what you're implying have you I'm some kind of fetch boy

for Tarrant I go round there and I'm like some kind of curtain dwelling fetch boy for Tarrant is that what you're

fucking suggesting? I go around there. You get a phone call on Saturday night and all you pick up, you pick up and all you hear is his voice go, I got Taron. And then you go over and you perform a little act. Is that what you're suggesting? Because he's insulting to me again. You bum Edmunds.

Is that the best you've got? Fucking hell. It's me sitting there thinking, who wants to be a Willie Snare? Yeah, don't think. Go straight for the... You know, who? Tiz Spoff.

Tiz Spoff. No, but that brings me back. Talking of Spoff, Paul, it brings me back. Does it? Do you think Tiz was, in a lot of ways, is now seen as being very ahead of its time in a lot of ways? Not only being the progenitor of the Saturday morning format, but also in terms of the gunk.

The gunk. They never really had gunk, though. They had water, but did that turn into gunk? No. The closest they got was the pie flinger. Remember that guy? The pie flinger.

That was my favourite bit. And he's very central to the whole thing and he looks like the Sandy Man. Doesn't he? He's a dark figure. He looks like a spy. You see the logo there. He's like a spy, isn't he? He looks like the Sandy Man doesn't he he's a dark figure he looks like a spy but you see the logo there he's like a spy isn't he

he looks like the spy versus spy spy but he's with pies or flan flinging it's something like that it's flan flinging so apparently like Tarrant got Tizwad started

because he was brought in as a newsreader first and was asked to produce help produce Tizwad and then he became in front of the camera and it's got a very long

story short then he started being executive producer so he was completely in charge of Tiz Was. And then he became in front of the camera and it's got a very long story short. Then he started being an executive producer. So he was completely in charge of Tiz Was from at least the second series onwards. He really was probably

a very ambitious young man. Like Edmonds. Yeah. You look at like Edmonds at that time and we will later. Less grating, more talented than Edmonds.

The problem with Tarrant is, not the problem with Tarrant, the thing with Tarrant is you get the impression that he's not too dissimilar in terms of, you know, focus with his career. Except he doesn't goant is you get the impression that he's not too dissimilar in terms of you know focus with his career except he doesn't go

have you seen my house and my farm and my car and my tractor and my helicopter it's not a big show off where Noel Edmonds is like have you seen my car

and my cows and my helicopter and like who's this someone says we're very bad and then he'll you know he'll there's that clip of him reading out

someone's complained about his show and then going actually we've got the best viewing figures in the world. So I think you, Mrs. Henderson of Enfield,

should shut your mouth. Do you know what I mean? But that would be like Hitler going on TV and saying, someone said the Nazis are bad. But do you know there were 14 million of us? I think you'll find, you know what I mean?

It's like, that's not an argument, Noel, at all. I love it. Who suggested you become presenter of Tis was there's an interview in this book comparing no to hitler how many minutes in are we everybody bummed no and hit no is it um apparently peter harris suggested chris tarrant present who is peter should i know who peter harris went on to direct a large percentage of the muppet show he directed the The Muppet Show for Henson? Which was through ATV. Lou Grade.

Lou Grade. Who owned that, created Tiz Was. Now, funnily enough, Lou Grade didn't like Tiz Was, but he did like the ratings, so he kind of left it alone. What did he like? The anarchic sort of rudeness of it? Yeah, he thought it was rude and bad TV and unprofessional. He made it special at the time for kids, I think. It had a sort of feeling of danger about it.

Slight feeling of danger. And this annual, the Tiz Wars annual, which I think is the first one. I don't know if they did many, but this is definitely the first Tiz Wars album. It says here, what are your ambitions for Tiz Wars? This is the annual, the book you have. Which is £1.95 back in the day. See photos of all of this merch on our website, by the way. So this is 80.

This came out in 1980. Again, towards the end of the last two years of the run well at this point it was more nationwide than it had been at the start

so more people knew what Tiz Was was to warrant the merch I guess but it says what are your ambitions and he goes I think the aspects

of Tiz Was will become a great late night show the team could do lots of shows in clubs and I would like to see it as a live late show which is eventually

what became OTT which was over the top the adult tis was. And I have no recollection of that because I was a kid at the time.

Similar cast. Have you seen it? There's clips online but basically imagine the same but with Alexi Sale instead of Lenny Henry. And actual poo jokes

poo and dick jokes. I don't think it was anything like that but I think it was probably a few more ladies in skimpy clothing. I bet there was a lot more of that. I'd have to watch that.

What makes it late night is what I'm asking. Taron's literally beating the bean of his wife on telly. How has he beaten it? Who wants to be a fiddler perv? You know, no, I know it wasn't that, but I mean... We can do a follow-up, because there are some things in this episode that we don't either have time or access to right now and i do want to do a proper

follow-up to this so we can do ott then right it's funny that he's mentioning it in the annual and it's true because i think at some point when you're doing kids tv for so long you kind of go can i do adult stuff now please doctor yeah you know so it makes sense that he's thinking i can take the format and make it for adults because adults would watch tis was as well as the kids because they were all wrapped up in the silliness yes you've also got john gorman in the show according to the annual john gorman was part of the scaffold exactly and that had whose brother in uh roger mcgough no paul mccartney's brother was in the scaffold sorry yeah so there's the facts about john gorman you need no to be fair it says he was very excited to be a part of it and he was part of a group

called the Blue Angels and long story short they were a musical act originally the Scaffold but they were told to add more comedy to make it more TV friendly oh I see

which was kind of similar to what happened with Billy Connolly he was like absolutely and what was his group called which had Humble Bums

which had Jerry Rafferty of Baker Street which is actually a pretty good album you can get one of the albums of the Humble Bums and there's a few little bits of dialogue in between the songs.

Jasper Carrot was also a singer at first, wasn't he? A folk singer. And funnily enough, Jasper Carrot is who is literally in this book. He goes,

the interview in the annual says, how did you, John Gorman, become involved with Tizwas? And he says, Jasper Carrot recommended me to the producer and I did three or four shows and Chris was producing.

That's where they were sourcing, weirdly, they were sourcing comedy from the regions. From the folk scene. From the musicians, bizarrely, at that time. So John Gorman was a part of the musical side of Tiswalt and there was a big musical side, which we'll get to in a minute. Sally James is the next one.

Sally James was the lady that made men go crazy. So she was like daddy's special, daddy's favourite. Well, there's a weird thing in this country where we sexualise the mumsiness of certain female presenters. So like Sally James would be an example. Half the early female Blue Peter presenters. Is she mumsy? She's more like a bit of posh totty, I thought.

No, but you know that whole kind of simple, oh, wouldn't say bum on TV kind of thing. There's a sexualisation to that. Definitely. Which as that generation got older would of simple, oh, wouldn't say bum on TV kind of thing? Yeah. There's a sexualisation to that. Definitely. Which as that generation got older would be like, yeah, fucking Sally James. I will give you a one or two in the back of my white Ford fucking Escort. Yeah.

There's a sort of tokenism as well a bit with her. But we've dealt with Sally James before on the show because remember she had her own Saturday morning TV show. That LP that we listened to. Where she was interviewing Gary Glitter oh that was excellent where'd you get your inspiration

I touch kids and then I write about kids touching me and then I run off to Thailand that's what I was going to do the Spodney Chudoff

to the theme of what I love you love Spodney Chudoff I Chodney Spodoff in her interview

it says what's it like being a Brenda? She said it's fun being Being a Brenda? Being a presenter She said she keeps it very polite she's all like

it's all fun and games and a bit mad and I can't quite hold you know wrestle But that's what gives it a bit of charm her on the show as well is that sort of

Saturday Seamless Everyone's going crazy there was actual real fear in her voice at some stages yeah i wouldn't blame her if you're surrounded by hyperactive man children health and safety nightmare that show if you look at any of the footage now you think that is would not be allowed it's too dangerous all the water stuff had to happen how outside uh because of all the cabling and stuff like that so yeah tricks sorry the electronics well there's probably some electronics around.

Winky! We'll get to that. We'll get to Winky. So she started, this is a little interview. She's married. She used to do Saturday Scene. What's your favorite shows? She says Dallas and Sweeney, which is interesting.

And how do you feel about having custard pies thrown at you? She says, I don't mind really. Although the dye that is used to colour the pies is very difficult to get off. Wow. It takes me about half an hour to completely clean up from a custard pie.

And it causes cancer. So there you go. So there's Sally James. Next, Bob Carolgees, who is a Northern comic known for having a dog that spat. Yep.

That's all you need to know about. Didn't he have a monkey? He had a monkey as well. Oh, I hate that dog. No, you're thinking, no, that's Keith Harris. Although they all fucking fall in. Oh no. You know, that other nookie monkey as well. Oh, I hate that dog. No, that's Keith Harris. Although they all fucking fall in. Oh, no.

You know, that other nookie bear as well. Didn't he have a dog? He had a different one. Not just spit the dog. There's a monkey there. Yeah, you're right. He has a monkey there. I knew it.

But I think they're all silent. I fucking knew it. But that's the Alan Partridge cheeky monkey thing, isn't it? He chuckles the monkey. No, that's Keith Harris again. Yeah, but do you think Harris nicked it off Carol, geez? Mate, no. Because if you're going to be a piss poor puppet man, isn't it he chuckles the monkey no that's Keith Harris again yeah but do you think Harris nicked it off Carol G's mate no because if you're

going to be a piss poor puppet man your options are weird looking boy child dog or a puppet it's only really the Keith Harris's

who dare to reach outside and go I'm going to go off piste and do a green duck you can't do a green duck in an industry of fucking monkeys

Keith you mad man did they say he was mad to try it yeah they told him they were right as well, because Orville should just be consigned to a fiery bin. I hate Orville. I'm sorry. I know it's got

a lot of warm memories for a lot of kids. But Orville is a dependent, monstrous, whiny little cunt. And those creepy eyelids it had. And a nappy. Did Keith Harris have to change that nappy? I know. Someone had to change that nappy. He's probably Keith change that nappy he's probably Keith's fucking long suffering wife

wasn't it no Keith washed it out with his feet Keith probably went to bed in a nappy I'm Orville he'd probably say to his wife and then he'd smear

get the nappy here we go where's it going he's going to get the nappy smear it on his wife's face right okay good well I'm really zinging this week

so can I have a look at that because i have to i have to judge the merch mate i haven't had i haven't seen this i will hand it to you now but let me just show you so the book is literally just full of interviews and segments and comedy sketches and games and facts about the show it's kind of par for the course have a little look it's a typical annual yeah i like the artwork we might have to make this a two-part episode really because we're already talking about 20

minutes into this and we've got three more of these to do. I know. Well, this is typical you, isn't it? It's two parts now, everyone. Well, we might dry up and only do... Mate, we've got Saturday Superstore to end. We're not drying up because Mike Reid's getting rinsed. Hello, good morning and welcome

to this, the... Very sad moment, this, because this is the final Compost Corner. Compost Corner! As you know, last week we did the penultimate Compost Corner. Penultimate Compost Corner! And, of course, it's such a long, long, long time now since we did that very, very first-ever Compost Corner. Very, very first ever compost corner

this dry king creature is really wonderful it's really bright and alert and just not the colorful foliage but the fun is that they look remarkably like a pair of dirty old greasy pajamas ah well you see this is like most other plants it tends to spend most of it time in its beds in his bed the flower in a bed well i am dwight this morning i'm sure we can rectify that that's what i've just been oh come back thanks very much please very with waiting with the impression. I'll try and continue. But let's see, if it's going to do predictions... If it's going to do predictions, plants can't normally talk. Neither can I at this moment in time, Chris. Where was I? The most remarkable thing about this plant, Chris, is its great power of foreseeing, hence the glasses.

What? Why should it have glasses? Well, it's foreseeing. The glass is foreseeing! This is what they want! Hang on then, I'll just, um... Push the remote control button. You all right, Chris? Toy another one, Chris. You might get a wib tickler. The grape. What's small and round and burns cakes?

Alfred the Grape. What's small and round and burns cakes? Alfred the Grape. What's small and round and burns cakes? Have you noticed, Quish? Alfred the Grape. Have you noticed, Quish? Have you? That it never seems to laugh at its own jokes. Nor does anybody else, I've noticed. I've seen it in cabaret.

But it does tend to giggle a lot, especially if you stick your finger up these little ovaries. Here, have a go. So, have a look through the book and see what catches your attention it's got one of those this used to be owned by someone because it's got their name written on it it used to be owned by someone called Ellen Cobb Ellen Cobb if you're listening

we've got your book if you're out there Ellen come and get there Ellen Cobb don't worry I'll have a proper what I'll do is if I am going to spunk over this I will put a condom onto my knob first

well you could just put some plastic sheeting over it if you wanted to, you know, let it run off. I love the artwork in this. It's got that nice, it's got that, yeah,

it's, what kind of cartoon art is it? It's almost caricature almost. Yeah, satirical style. It's almost like, there's a thick image in my mind,

it's not like Mad Magazine, but it's not too dissimilar. Not too dissimilar. Yeah. And also, the colouring is beautiful in this. The printing is very good. Let's meet Chris Tarrant.

We've done that. The first part of all the interviews I've just gone through. That's all of them. Nice artwork. And there's puzzles and games and things to do and all that kind of stuff. It's nice. There's a Save the Whale bit. Save the Whale bit, yeah.

Because, you know, we've done a good job on that since 1980. So anything tickling your fancy in that book? Some famous people doing The Dying Fly. What was that? Something for the show? I don't know. But that's on the album as well, The Dying Fly. Yeah, it's all these things.

There seems to be a lot of lore of Tiswad. There's a lot of lore. Woven into the annual, which probably makes a lot of sense then and lessiswas. There's a lot of lore. Woven into the annual. Which probably makes a lot of sense then and less sense now without the context. So that's the other thing. But that was the other thing that I think appealed to children about Tiswas. You felt like you were in a sort of gang or like it had its own club. Yeah.

Like a clubhouse for loonies. Yeah. With its own special language and things that they referred to and stuff. There seems to be like an idea that British TV was quite stained in middle class and Tis Was was actually probably one of the first shows that appealed to kids of all class structures, you know? Bit more inclusive class-wise, yeah. When we get into Swap Shop,

that middle class Britain thing rings like a fucking bell. Whereas Tis Was, I think... Bit more universal in terms of the classes, yeah. I think a bit more representational of maybe... Of the but that's where it started didn't it as well it was more regional look there's beer and and some beer and skittles there that's very much like a pub you'd see in yeah yeah yeah yeah i think that's pretty good as annuals go yeah because here's the other thing as well the one the reasons why we're not talking about things like motor mouth or going live is because there's fucking nothing for them in terms of merch.

Really? There's no Going Live album. There's no Going Live annual. But that's the 90s Going Live now, isn't it? 80s was Going Live. Oh, really? 90s was Live and Kicking. But they just didn't do any stuff.

I mean, there was Trev and Simon Swinging Pants. Wish Recovered, yeah. But it's not quite the same as like Tiz was and their songs, because they were inherently... Well, I mean, I guess it is the same actually. It is the same thing. It continues. But it was less prevalent, let's just say that, as it went on. I think the early 80s was sort of the high point for children's TV. Well, because there was no online interaction, this was the kids' interaction.

You buying the annual was your way of becoming part of the gang or closer to the show. How to be a village idiot qualifications have a small brain funny stance and walk ability were a vacant expression inability to read inability to write inability to add up inability to think this could be your perfect job that's good yeah oh yeah i'm an idiot yeah i'm sitting here i'm an idiot i'm an illiterate idiot am i also about my knob how small is my knob like the lid of a toothbrush toothpaste thing um you sprang that on me i don't think we can do that on me i don't think this is a two-part episode it is to say it is how is it a two-part episode we've been talking

for half an hour on nothing i've got nothing i've i'm stuck about this then do you want us the village idiot song i am the village idiotot. My name is Arium. I live in a little cottage with my dad and mum and a cow called Rover and a dog called Cat. If you don't fancy this, do you fancy that? Oh, quack, quack, gobble, gobble, cluck. Quack, quack, gobble, gobble, cluck. Can I have the first line again, please? Because I think I have a more appropriate...

I am the Village Idiot. My name is Arium. And I have got a very dirty perineum. See, you've got stuff in your eye. Every Monday morning you'll find me in the green with a silly grin upon my face and straw in my mouthpiece ear-mouth-spleen.

In my ear-mouth-spleen. My mouthpiece? With a hedgehog and a boa constrictor and a Henry my pet rat. And if you do not fancy this do you fancy that? I fancy that. If a tourist asks me

the way to somewhere else I point him straight up and backwards and tell him it's half past three. That doesn't rhyme. It's because he's a fool. I guess. He's a village idiot.

I'm rolled up used wallpaper and a cricket called bat and if you don't I mean I'm not I'm not a big fan of that. Sally James file. Here's some questions. what's her favourite food? do I have to guess?

yeah you go I think she probably likes sausage no I'm joking mate the answer's steak so it's not too far off I'll give you sausage what's her favourite

pop band? 1980 have a think her favourite in 1980 her favourite band would I have known heard about them

yeah you've heard the band you surprised me I didn't think she'd pick it but that's a good one really yeah because it says Black Sabbath here

no it doesn't doesn't at all Blondie no the answer is ELO of course yeah

here's a newspaper what's her favourite newspaper the Daily Mail the Mail nice you killed my bonger Chris Tarrant file what's his

what's his favourite food um bolognese kebabs really yeah that's what it says here favourite music go on

who do you think the thing is when he says status quo exactly it's fucking exactly status quo yes it's fucking exactly status quo yes

it's like how obvious could it have been I read that wrong it says what's your favourite pet and then it said girls but then I read the formatting's wrong

oh really the formatting's wrong so it's hard to read alright let's have a look what is his favourite pet boa constrictor it says I bet he didn't have a boa constrictor

I bet he didn't fucking have a boa constrictor oh no king cobra it says there why is he trying to he really wanted to get his knob out didn't he and it's in that song as well I've got a boa constrictor. Oh no, King Cobra, it says there. Why is he trying to, he really wanted to get his knob out, didn't he? And it's in that song as well.

I've got a boa constrictor called Henry. Yeah, it's like, oh. Sally, come here, I've got this great idea for a show. I'm going to put a big snake your way,

right? A big snake, and you're going to wrestle with it, and then I'm going to just chuck water on you, Sally James. I'm going to chuck, meanwhile, Status Quo is going to sing Sweet Caroline,

in the fucking background. You know what I mean? There is a sort of tension there, I feel. Meanwhile, status quo is going to sing Sweet Caroline in the fucking background. You know what I mean? There is a sort of tension there, I feel. Yeah. What else is in this book? I want to have a little look. Come on, we got that.

Famous people doing the dying fly, no one gives a fuck. The dying fly is a dance move. The dying fly must be something that they got everyone to do. Lie on the floor on your back, lift your legs up, bending at the knee,

bend your arms at the elbows and raise them upwards, bend the hands at the wrist keep them straight and then roll on your back yeah should I do it now? no

and then there's a lot of stuff about water and that's it there's the annual right next moving on the annual no this is the album maybe this shouldn't be

a two-parter it so shouldn't no it is going to be because this is going to be a long one really? yeah fuck it mate it gives me time to do stuff on the worksuite this is such a disaster

I'd be wanting to get two episodes this is the worst episode ever it's not going to be the it really is tis was no people from the seven are going to love this episode, aren't they? Oh, are they? Can you put that light on, please, for me?

No, because I've got a bad back and you're closer, so you fucking do it. Right, he's putting the lights on. It's getting dark in here now. So Tiz was released an album, and this is something that just doesn't happen these days either, does it? You don't get a lot of TV shows releasing albums these days. Well, the format doesn't really exist.

Well, yeah, I guess you're right. So you might have a TV show that might have an associated pop song these days, wouldn't you? Maybe. Maybe. And it'd be available for download. I mean, YouTubers have pop songs that they do now. Yeah, but there's nothing like this which is themed. This kind of episode was born from you getting that Buccaneers single.

That's right. So do you want to explain what that is then? getting that buccaneers single that's right so do you want to explain what that is then the four bucket ears yeah are the guys from tis was basically yeah they they formed the band to sing a song about water which is off tis was promotional for tis was but it also charted did it i believe so yes now this is all towards the end of the show's run where they got big, basically. Yeah, this album was released by CBS and came out in 1980, so actually the same year as the annual. They had two singles released off this, yeah.

Yeah, and I think the copy I got was a demo, so it was obviously to promote this album. To send out to radio stations or whatever. Yes, and the other one was a sort of single in its own right, I think. But I think that one was very much to promote this LP. Yeah. And it's interesting as well

because apparently what happened was the success of the Buccaneers and the Water Bucket song and all the water splashing meant that they went, oh, let's make a song and release it.

But we have to call ourselves the Buccateers because if we call ourselves TizWaz, then maybe ATV will want, will have a problem with us using TizWaz. And they'll want money. want money yeah yeah and then it turned out that atv like oh we don't give a fuck so they really so that's why the album is called tis was presents the four

booketeers because they thought they just have to call themselves that to get around any tis was licensing yeah but maybe atv didn't say oh we don't give a fuck maybe they said they just didn't have a problem with it maybe they said well can't you just pay us some money or something i mean i don't know what the back end deal was you know there might be a deal a savvy guy yeah there might have been some deal at the back end is what i'm saying and then like there was last saturday night when i went down the docks great stuff so the docks i think this we've both listened to this and you're not keen on it but i really like it it's well produced but it sort of is the humour is very much sort of sub-Monty Python. It's for kids, I know, but it is very much sort of lightweight absurdism.

Silly. Silly without being toothless. And I can just imagine, perhaps it's because I'm slightly older now, parents hating that and thinking, God, if they're going to play the fucking Tizwas LP again I'm going to lose my fucking mind Do you know what? It's annoying Let's play a track right now Let's play the one they released, the Water Bucket song right now

and this is the one that they released in the charts I didn't know what else I was going to say What do you mean in the charts? It was released in the charts. Didn't know what else I was going to say. Was it really in the charts? It was released in the charts. Ladies and gentlemen, this record proudly presents the Four Bucketeers. This is the song we lovers of water sing. We can't go wrong, we're happy as a king.

We beat the drum as we march along. We clash the cymbal and bang the gong. We sing out strong, the Bucket of Water song. Stand on one leg and point at the sun. Grab hold of your nose, we're sure it must be fun. But no matter who or what you are, we know something you'll enjoy by far. The bucket of water song. This is the song we lovers of water sing. We can't go wrong.

We're happy as a king. We beat the drummers. We march along. We clash the cymbal and bang the gong. We sing out strong. Theet of Water song Released number 26 In 1980 In the UK singles chart

Which is actually very good Yeah When you think about it For the time Top 50 Yeah 26 is you know A good place

I mean we're talking about A whole different era When single sales meant more. I know, but they meant more, but it would change. Yes. Because if, you know, all I'm saying is to be number one, you could sell a variable amount of singles from each, from... Do you see what I'm saying?

No. Because I wasn't listening. I'm saying you could get to number one, but if you could sell 100,000 and get to number one, and then the next year you could sell like... 200,000. And get to number one, but you could sell 100,000 and get to number one, and then the next year you could sell like 200,000 and get to number one. Yeah, because that's how it works, isn't it? What I mean is...

Fuck me. If you sell a lot of records, you can get to number one. Yes, Eli. Good boy. Here's an apple. But depending on how many records are sold overall, it depends how well you actually did in terms of unit sales.

Right. It's not like you get to number one if you sell a certain amount. Do you see what I'm getting at? You just have to sell more than anyone else that week. Yes, which could be a different amount week to week. So what I'm saying is you can't really tell how much money they made by getting to number 26. I wasn't on about the money. I was just on about the fact that a song by a breakfast Saturday morning breakfast team can get that high on the chart

at all. Now, I wanted to ask you about the links, the Tis Was links, Paul. Yeah. This is Saturday, which turned into Tis Was,

We Are Smiling. Yeah. Watch and smile. Watch and smile and have a little stroke if you are well in the dance as she comes on. But not every kid's

in the room, obviously. What, is that Sally James? Why are they carrying loads of books? Go out! Get out the room, obviously. What, is that Sully James? Why are they carrying loads of books? Go out! Get out of the room, Paul! Daddy, daddy, what's going on? Oh, daddy's going to have a big breakfast.

Right. Did the Lynx have... I wonder when they introduced the live audience element. Yeah. Because that was obviously extremely important to the sort of development of the genre, not just Tiz was itself. And they said's they started as links in the children's block yeah would they have an audience was that the concept i don't know from the word go it's interesting to

think that though isn't it it was i mean i don't think even swap shop had that many kids on in the studio it wasn't something that tis was had a load of kids screaming rowdy fucking kids from like youth clubs and cub scout groups and brownies. And it'd get kind of violent. Sometimes you'd think when they flang the flan or whatever, they'd flang a pie at someone. You'd see a fist go in. I don't know about that.

You did. You did. You're making it sound like it's fucking a penitentiary. It was like Warriors or something, man. Well, no, they did put people in cages and throw water at them. Yeah. You know. No, when they get the pie, you run up and fucking...

So anyway, going back to this album... Put a little jab, a little jab. I bet Tarrant jabbed Carol G's. What, fucking chinned him? Yeah, probably. Oh, sorry about that, Bob. Yeah, yeah. You can't...

He's quite a physical presence, Tarrant, as well, isn't he? Do you know what I mean? I reckon I could have him, though. You... My word, Tarrant as well isn't he do you know what I mean I reckon I could have him though you my word Tarrant would crush you man mate he would crush you

mate you don't know he's older now isn't he you've got a terrible back you can barely walk yeah no he'd crush me yeah he'd crush me like a pellet

I'm saying he'd have me as well I'm saying that so the album I like it it's got it has got a Python vibe. Yes.

And they do lots of skits. Like I say, it's well produced and it's been thought out. It's almost like a concept album. Yes. You know, it's got that vibe of...

And it has some fake scratches on at the beginning, doesn't it? There's been some thought put into it. There's been some real, like, imagination. But here's where I want to go with it

because the whole album was produced by Neil Innes, or Neil Innes, I'm never quite sure how you say his name innes who was most well known for bonzo dog doodah band but also worked with the pythons on a lot of their musical uh adventures and also worked with eric idol on the ruttles and also that other weird thing the rutland Weekend TV. Which I would love to get hold of the LPs of that. Yeah. They're out and about, aren't they?

Yeah, but I never see those. No. I can't imagine many were made... I don't think they're very expensive, but they're quite rare. Rare, yeah. They're beautiful. And this has got the same good production.

You know, Neil Innes had his own TV show as well. He had loads of his own TV shows. They're quite very obscure, hard to come by now. I bet there's a lot on YouTube, but maybe, but also like, you know,

he also did things like Puddle Lane and he was always busy. He was very prolific in the comedy TV sphere and the musical comedy TV sphere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look at the work that Bonzo Dogs did

and it's like, there's never been a band really like them since. And I think his hands, well, his hands, his work is all over this. You know, you can see his handiwork. I see.

We should be playing another song. You want to play that Raspberry Rock one? Yes. Let's play the Raspberry Rock one. And now, one of Sally James' almost legendary pop interviews. of Sally James' Almost Legendary Pop Interviews.

Well, our first special pop guest on this album is Jet Lag. Hi, Jet. Hello. Now, you're a brigadier in the army, aren't you, Jet? No, I'm not, actually. I'm a field marshal. Oh, sorry, Jet. Okay. Well, why did you decide to become a pop singer?

Well, I did it to boost the morale of the champs. Oh, and how would you describe your music? Is it punk? Not off, man. Went to the corner shop to get myself some ice The lady in the shop, she was really nice Do you want chocolate? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, middle of this half of the park, I don't know where I am. But there's loads of stuff in here as well. There's like the dying fly, which is a thing,

which becomes a kind of leitmotif throughout this album. It keeps coming in and out. Yeah. I think the Raspberry Rock sort of sums up the kind of appeal for Tiz was because it's rude. Yeah. They had a rudeness. I think that was why they really sums up the kind of appeal for Tiz was, because it's rude. Yeah. They had a rudeness. I think that was why they really blew up.

They were... Kids love rude shit. Irreverent. Yeah. And a lot of kids are at their bum bum, still at the bum bum poo poo fart stage of their whole development. I mean, we are. I was.

We are. I mean, I've never... We still are. We haven't left it. I don't find it funny when you say bum bum or poo poo or fart. Let me try that right now, Eli. Look me in the eye as I say the words. A poo poo?

No, that's not funny. You grinned a little bit. I'm not. Listen, I'm just being nice to you. Hang on. Bum bum. No. Oui oui.

I need harder stuff than that. Papa. No. Nicole. Why is it always mummy or dad with you? Poo poo papa da da Nicole. Poo poo on Nicole chest da da. Oui la la.

Oui papa. Weird. That wasee papa. Weird. That was the inspiration. That song was the inspiration for those adverts for Renault-Cleo. They were weird, those Cleo ads, weren't they? It's got loads of little things on it. Little sketches, little dialogue bits. Bob Cowle-G's.

The LP has a lovely insert, which did come with the copy that you got sent, didn't it? With all the lyrics in for the songs and photographs. You know what I'd do for one of those t-shirts you don't see those in the world no you don't see t-shirts from that era do you because they must have all disintegrated thrown out by moths yeah isn't that strange that these artifacts like the lps and that they survive you see those in charity shops but none of the t-shirts specifically from that era is too old. I bet you could buy it right now on Etsy. I mean, you could get a copy, yes. And I still might, actually, on reflection.

Because it has the pie flinger, the classic double-fisting pie flinger. Yeah, I wonder who that was. We never know. Was that like the Stig? Yeah, I guess it was like the early days of the Stig. See, there's a lot of parallels with what they did with Top Gear, isn't there? Well, think about it this way as well. It's like these Saturday morning TV shows built in the kind of built-to-fail thing. days of the see there's a lot of parallels with what they did with uh top gear isn't it think about it this way as well as like these saturday morning tv shows built in the kind of built to

fail thing where like if something goes wrong then that's great because oh it's wacky yes shows like top gear could only work because of shows like swap shop that's what i'm saying that tease was was the was the author was the the the first but. Wasn't it? The other thing we need to mention about this album is Mike Batt. It is time. Mike Batt. Because Mike Batt's going to be coming up again. He wrote the Wombles, Bright Eyes. Well, he wrote the songs for the Wombles.

And he wrote Bright Eyes. He was also a Womble. During the show, there was a talent show, and Terrence didn't really like it, but he thought it was a good way to have a bit of fun. Until this kid came up, and this kid is called matthew butler this is just mystifying and this is weird because on the show what matthew butler did as he came on and he thought i think he was only like eight or nine he wasn't that old and dressed as a rabbit eating a carrot he sang a very saccharine version of mike batts black eyes Mike Batts, Black Eyes. No.

Wishful thinking there. Mike Batts. Paul, you would like to get both Noel and Mike in your basement with gimp balls in their mouths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're prodding them with your knob. It's like Pulp Fiction. Bright Eyes, which of course is from Watership Down. Watership Down. Which is a truly...

Depressing. Traumatising. Yeah. Children's animation. And the quasi-sequel. Plague Dogs. is from Watership Down which is a truly depressing traumatising yeah children's and the quasi-sequel animation Plague Dogs Plague Dogs didn't even get released though did it

it did yeah yeah yeah but it's even more nasty it's just grim it's the don't British kids love really dark fucking miserable animal adventures

where there's death wasn't it about myxomatosis Watership Down or you just saw a bunch of rabbit eyes didn't they all some of them escape from a lab or something? It was, but no, you're confusing...

No, that's Plague Dogs. No, you're confusing it with the Rats of Nym. Anyway, there's a lot of animal cruelty in kids' books back in the day. Bright Eyes, yeah. So this kid goes on the show... Sings it. And it's bad.

It is on this LP as well. And it's on this album. And I wonder what Matthew Butler does now. Are you out there, Matthew? Are you listening? Come and show us your singing prowess. So there's the album. And there were t-shirts and everything.

And there was annuals and magazines. And, you know, a DVD came out with the best of in the 90s. So that's fun. It has a high production quality, both the annual and the LP. And the single. And look, there's a wet Sally James on the back. I know, that's all a bit disturbing, the way they kind of sell the sex with her.

But it's a kid's thing. And this is also... It's quite rude, this album as well. This is something from the era as well, and these shows in particular, Paul, that I was thinking of. You'd have pop singers and bands having their sort of debut or whatever,

debuting a single single yeah on these shows but a lot of the time these they were much more adult in their presentation these pop stars than perhaps the other programming and the sort of tone of the show so they and it's this weird mix you know what i mean that was like because they don't know how to work this whole thing the whole market hadn't been sort of split up into these bits so you would trying to appeal from kids from like the ages of like eight all the way up

to the early teens sort of like what's your favourite song little Matthew I like Linda's Farm yeah that's the only time a kid would ever say

that in history you know what I mean and there's this uncomfortableness where there's sort of sexualities creeping in in one sense but it's innocent

and it leans in that British seaside postcard kind of humour. So, finally, that's Tiz Was Done. We've got an album and an annual and it's a nice mix and I think it's a strong showing from Tiz Was.

It's a very strong showing from Tiz Was and Paul's plan to have 15 minutes on each of these shows went out the window. Up the wazoo. Because it's now at 42 on this at all. How have we talked without that for 42 minutes? Let's take a quick break. And when we come back, it's time to talk about the daddy of Saturday mornings.

It's Swap Shop. Oh, yeah. Where's Merlin? Where did it go? Jenny's got a plane, tic-tac-toe. Now where's Merlin? Where did it go? Jenny's got a playing tic-tac-toe Now where's Merlin? When last seen it was out with Dad playing blackjack Thirteen!

Where's Merlin now? It's not Merlin Merlin plays six different games with electronic lights and sounds The Palatronics range from Palatoy Hello, I'm Strawberry Shortcake I smell of strawberries My friends all smell like their names, too. We play together in the Berry Bake Shop, making pretend pies and growing pretend strawberries.

And we use our snail cart to go on picnics. Strawberry Shortcake, Apple Dumpling, Huckleberry Pie and Blueberry Muffin are in toy shops now. Waddingtons have created a new monster game of thrills and skill, the Purple People Eater. created a new monster game of thrills and skill, the Purple People Eater. Try to rescue the little people from the monster's slimy clutches without waking him up. But beware, if you wake him, he gets very angry and the little people are caught again. The Purple People Eater from Waddingtons. When not in play, keep it locked away. You can make a badge with the Big Badge Factory. There's so much you can make with a thing or two.

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So in October 1976, on the BBC, they attempted their own Saturday morning show, and that show was called The Multicoloured Swap Shop. Saturday morning show and that show was called The Multicoloured Swap Shop Swap Shop Hello, yes indeed, a very good morning to you. Welcome to the Swap Shop, a lot of calls, a little bit of silliness, plenty of variety and as many letters as I can get through.

And originally the sound, the theme was by... Mike Batt. a little bit of silliness plenty of variety and as many letters as I can get through and originally the sound the theme was by Mike Batt our friend Mike Batt he's everywhere these days

because he was associated against his will with kid shows I wonder if Neil Innes respected Batt what their their encounters were

like well no I think Neil Innes was very comfortable doing kid show stuff whereas Mike Batt I think always felt like he deserved better I think so were like well no i think neil innes was very comfortable doing kid show stuff whereas mike but i think always felt like he was he deserved better i think so or certainly he resented that his most important work was one was the wambles he definitely did yeah i've heard him i just saw

him on a tv show i think maybe in the 90s or something you know and everyone was talking about watership down or sort of what people remember. And he was like, yes. And someone said to me, I think it was said Paul McCartney came up to me and said, that's genius, that song, Mike. Never happened, Mike. Mike, if you're listening, never happened. Paul McCartney upon listening to Bright Eyes. I don't know if it was McCartney.

Either way. He's ripping McCartney off with the Wumbles anyway, isn't he? Mike Back just seems a bit full of himself. That's all. Good luck to him. That's all I'm saying. Well, let's look into all of that right now because we're going to talk about Swap Shop

now Swap Shop again BBC Saturday morning linking cartoons and segments with a more very BBC anti you know not auntie

A-U-N-T-E-R because didn't Wogan call the BBC auntie wasn't that the word auntie auntie it's weird whenn-t-e-r because didn't Wogan call the BBC auntie wasn't that the word auntie auntie it's weird when you say that word out of context like if I was going to say

auntie Carol it sounds alright auntie Carol when you say yeah but it's because you've got a weird in between accent so you can't decide

which one you want to say how to use my vowels I say auntie auntie I should probably say auntie really yeah but a proper scouser

would say auntie auntie kook kook me auntie's got some vegetables proper scouser would say auntie auntie kook kook me auntie's got some vegetables she's pulling it out right now oh she's got

me auntie say this Paul say this to me say my auntie auntie Gannon's come in and she's got she's double fisting two cucumbers

and she's going to put them in the kooker come on please for me hey hey come here what don't interrupt me no I'm listening, come here. What? Don't interrupt me. No, I'm listening.

Hey, come here, quick. Bye. My auntie's coming around in a minute. She's going to double fish two cucumbers and put them in the cooker. I'm drowning in cum, everyone.

Help. He is drowning. He is fucking drowning because I've got fucking gallons of this shit. What a horrible way to go. Now, was there gunk on the swap shop? Not that much at all.

In fact, barely any. So what you were trying to say before we had that very stimulating diversion there was that they were safer. They were on the BBC, so they had to sort of comply to the BBC's regulations. I think the BBC's form of anarchy, and especially that era of BBC's anarchy, was more like last day of school atmosphere, where it's like,

I can't believe he's wearing jeans on a school day. It's that kind of anti-establishment. Yes, more Blink-182, less Sex Pistols. Yeah. Kind of. I would have said it's more Wurzels and less Sex Pistols. Okay, right. But that's not fair to Wurzels.

So we've got a few bits of merch for that. Now, I haven't seen this. Not yet, no. So same format, but it was three hours of live TV. Weren't there cartoons and stuff they showed in between? A few, but not many. And the cartoons were like Mighty Mouse. They ran for like three minutes.

That was my favorite bit. I think that was my favorite bit. I like Mighty Mouse. Because I think Tiz minutes. That was my favourite bit. I think that was my favourite bit. I like Mighty Mouse. Because I think Tiz Was was more built around segments and they had the ad breaks and everything else like that. So I'm not going to say it was a less intensive show, but the vibe was different. Whereas Swap Shop was that three hour

live TV vibe. Tiz Was I think was shorter. I'm sure the block was shorter. It might have been shorter. I don't have that information to hand I don't remember watching Swap Shop at all really no it's before my time

really again we should say why is it called Swap Shop well the gimmick was was that the people who watch the show could call or write in

and say I have a Mr T toy can I swap it for someone's Polaroid camera and if someone would send that in and they'd agree

and then somehow they'd get that done. Paul taking care to choose two relevant to the time period items. I was trying my best. I was trying my best because what I was going to say, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle for a fucking, for a Zorb or something. So that was the gimmick. But do you think they kind of dropped that by the end? It became less and less important as the show ran on?

No, it was the way for them to stay in touch with the audience and keep them engaged. They'd have phone-ins, wouldn't they, famously? And I don't think Tizwell's had phone-ins. No, they might have done. I can't believe they wouldn't have. It was a big feature with the swap shop, right? The phone-in with, let's name it.

What? The hairy elephant in the room. Yeah, Mr. Edmonds himself. The Edmonds. The gnoll. The gnoll. The gnoll. name it what the hairy elephant in the room yeah mr edmunds himself edmunds is the knoll the knoll and he was there from the start and he was already quite popular but he was known to the uk because he had his famous radio one breakfast show which he'd been doing for a few years before this was his next big gig then do we think in the chronology of the knoll i want to say yes i want to say it was what

bridged the gap from him being a well-known radio presenter to a well-known tv presenter right and all the seeds of house party are in swap shop because he probably lost everyone around on swap because what did he do after swap shop the next big thing was the late late breakfast show which was effectively knoll's house party again he's just moving towards house party. All roads lead to fucking house party, don't they? So it was Noel Edmonds

as the main anchor. He was presenting the show. Main wanker, more like. Come on, we've got to do two episodes now, Paul. He's doing a tongue thing. I'm laughing so much,

I've gone mad. He's like tongue-stabbing a horse's arsehole yes a horse's arsehole yeah don't make it so the cast was

Noel Edmonds anchor up anchor up there was Keith Chegwin Keith Chegwin who you know dry an eye dry an eye for Keith Chegwin no I like Chegwin every timegwin who you know dry an eye

dry an eye for Keith Chegwin no I like Chegwin every time I think of Cheggers I weep I like Keith Chegwin well he became known for being

I mean this is the this is the curse annoying and ineffective again but you actually put him up against the gnolls of this world no mate I like

Chegwin's a probably very nice guy but he was shit he was shit I'm sorry he was annoying child actor he wanted to be a singer's a probably very nice guy, but he was shit. He was shit. I'm sorry. He was annoying and shit. Child actor. He wanted to be a singer,

wanted to be more of an actor. Famously, he was in, was it, Polanski's Romeo and Juliet. He had a small role in that. He became part of the show and his job was to go out, out into the country.

He was the roving reporter, so to speak. And see all the kids. Yes. And, you know, speak to celebrities and they'd swap stuff. Would they prank him ever,

the kids? No. Why would disrespect Cheggers if he came round mine? Cheggers would go... If he fucking... I would, like, goose him and then go, what? And then go,

I sniff glue. Chardonnay to you. No, I haven't got nothing. You really don't right there. I ain't got nothing today. Can you imagine being Keith Cheggman? You could sit down with the producer. I do.

I do nightly. No, you sit down. I put on my Cheggers mask, get the grease on, and then I fucking really, really wank hard, Paul. Here is the career of Keith Chegwin. I'm going to tell you it now in a little vignette. Chegwin. Here we go. Bear with me while I go through this.

Sure. Chegwin, sit down. And I, yeah. Yeah, I'm Chegwin. Yeah, what do you want? What can I yeah yeah I'm joking yeah what do you want what can I do for you well Noel likes you on Swap Shop

we did a few studio segments yeah I loved it was he your big weezer yeah you listen to him and everything is like I can't believe it shut up and interrupt I'm doing my little vignette

right I'm enjoying it so Noel likes you he loves to party but what he's thinking is can he put you away from the studio as far as possible?

Like, can we say he's the Blackpool this week, and then next week, Aberdeen, and then after that, Inverness, and then after that, Penzance. He operates on... Can you go far away from the studio? Yeah, all right, then. Fast forward to, you know, Saturday Superstore.

Chegg was still part of the show. Cheggers, sit down. Yeah, what can I do for you, Cheggers? Well, basically, Cheggers, Mike Reid likes you, but he wants you as far away from the show and studio as possible. So can you go out and about

and do bits around the corner? Is that what he did on that as well? Yeah. Cut to Big Breakfast. Sit down, Cheggers. Chris Evans really likes you, but can you go fucking as far away from the...

He was always sent away from the studio. He was always out and about. That was his speciality. Maybe he wanted to do it that way. And even importantly, Cheggers, sit down. Yes, Maggie Philbin, I'm your wife.

And you've been going all right, but I want you as far away from me as possible. He was married to Maggie Philbin. Maggie Philbin, off the back of this, they fell in love during Swap Shop. But they divorced after. They were the Sid and Nancy of Swap Shop.

They certainly were. And they were musicians. They probably put out more records than Sid and Nancy. Nancy didn't put out any records. Certainly put out records after Sid and Nancy, but that way.

I don't know why the specs pistols keep coming up. The specs pistols. Now, Paul. Yes. Chegwin was a weezer. I didn't know that. Do you think he smoked heavily? Oh, maybe.

I don't know. He had health issues at the end of his life, obviously, sadly. Yeah, because he died. That's a health issue, isn't it? That's a big health issue. It's a biggie.

That's not one you can come back from. Death, by and large. It's a biggie.'s not one you can come back from no yeah by and large it's a it's a biggie um noel sends him away but isn't that because noel sort of operates like scarface or whatever he's like this is my kingdom you he's more like capone yeah you know it's like if you're on my territory you're paying rent yeah it's that kind of thing perhaps cheggers just didn't want to deal with perhaps it was the other way around is all all I'm saying. Yeah. It might not be that Chegwin... I think what was sent away,

it might be that that's how he wanted to be in the shows. It was more likely because he was so personable and hyperactive and, you know, like... He was much better dealing with the public. Yeah. Because I don't think Noel would have done any of the fucking shit. Noel needs some banker or someone to tell him, like,

details about the member of the public you know I saw a clip of Swap Shop where Cheggers was in Blackpool Beach and he goes hey can I borrow those stilts and so he grabs

on these stilts takes a step and falls onto a bunch of tiny children oh they're alright they're alright Noel's thinking

an accident like that would never happen on a show I do so anyway here's the first piece of merch now there was a lot of swap shop merch but they mostly came in the form of these books and these are the multi-colored swap shop book a bbc print and effectively they're kind of like an annual for fans of the show and like the tis was there's a little bit of facts about the presenters and there's a little bit about, you know, how... What I like about that book specifically

is that it's focused on how they make the show. So every segment has some kind of pertinent fact or detail or fancy, if you will, about how they do that show every Saturday. So it's quite informative. Already the whole presentation is much more sober than the Tiz was. Oh, fuck fuck it's

wacky look at the drawing mad magazine style there's a flan there's that everyone's gawping and looking odd you cut to that one the second multi-coloured swap shop book it's more clipped already isn't it oh mate i forgot to tell you there's a photo what chiggers maggie philbin was an actress who became you know theatre student part of the show she was part of it right john craven did the new stuff. There's one person on that show that doesn't get spoken about enough. David Icke was a regular presenter on that show in the early days. Oh, that was Icke's break.

He was doing... Well, it wasn't his break, but he was doing... Like Craven, he would do the sports stuff. He was a sports presenter, Icke. So he would talk about all the sports things. Funnily enough, there's a purple dinosaur on the cover of this, Paul. Posh Paws, yeah. Is that called Posh Paws?

Yeah. He's some kind of Barney precursor. Yeah, but it's called Posh Paws because it's basically Swap Shop backwards. Why didn't he have a fucking single? Did he have a voice? I think Noel stepped in. We're going to do a Posh Paws song. That's weird.

No, well, they had a load of different mascots. Maybe that's where Ike's... Because you know Ike famously believes that the rulers of the planet are lizard people. Perhaps he saw this stuff. So hang on, let me get this straight. David Ike has a mental breakdown on air. He comes around, sees posh paws leering over him,

and he goes, oh, it's the lizard Jews. Yeah, basically. And then Noel Edmonds pops up, and he's like, oh, you just transformed back into your human form. Oh, the devil. Yeah. It makes sense with Edmonds' personality, cold and lizard-like. Yeah. and it's like, oh, you just transformed back into your human form. Oh, the devil, yeah.

It makes sense with Edmunds' personality, cold and lizard-like, with a big flicky tongue. We're not saying Noel Edmunds is a part of the Rattilian race. There's also a photo on the cover of this Swap Shop book of a kid very proudly holding a model tank. That's the thing. He's very, and he's in front of a whole audience of children 70s children i can see there's a skateboard someone's holding a big dartboard yeah they're all there to

swap someone's got like a board game why is boards in every one of these things because that's how i felt when i fucking had to watch this shit that's because i think most toys in the uk were made of board during that time and And can I just ask, to what extent do you believe Swap Shop was made off the back of the success that

Tiz was had? I'm not going to say it. Because it popped up a couple of years after Tiz was, didn't it? Two years, yeah. Because what,

Swap Shop 76, Tiz was 74. Well, I'm asking you, Paul. But Tiz was in that first year or so, wasn't the Tiz was that it became. It was this kind of

weird link show. It slowly emerged. So I think obviously it's more of a... A trend in TV at the time generally. That was becoming more possible because things like outside broadcasts were becoming easier to do. They had the technology to do it. Yeah, basically. And also both basically relied on that inbuilt fallibility.

So it was, again, a bit more risk to watch. But again, it's so middle class it's like you'll get a kid who comes and goes i would like the poems of john betjeman and um i'm willing to trade it for an atlas of the world or a bit like that it's mostly like that yeah you didn't like it because they're all high i didn't like it this is before my time if i'm being honest i started twigging when we got to Saturday Superstore right yeah and it was I think this was also a bit before my time I remember tis was again but only from seeing it and hearing about it and seeing it only very when I was staying around they both ended in

82 they both ended in 82 and I was seven then yeah so very much yeah so you would have been more savvy to it because you were down south I would have and the right age range whereas it was something for me that I learnt about when I was much older when I'd realised that had been something I'd missed out on so Swap Shop

or Superstore would have been my first Saturday morning I would have thought Tis Was was mine but again it was very much in the special occasion

category as was all TV until the time I was 10 we didn't get a TV until I was 10 which would be three years after what made your family

decide to go ah fuck it get a telly I think my dad was making more money at the time I was 10. We didn't get a TV until I was 10, which would be three years after. What made your family decide to go, ah, fucking get a telly? I think my dad was making more money at the time and we got, our first TV, I will never forget,

was this fucking beautiful black and red Bang & Olufsen. Like, super fancy. Was it black and red as in the shell of it? Yeah.

It wasn't that you got images that looked like a virtual boy? Right, good to know. But it was that exact sort of colour scheme. With a remote control, it was the best thing I'd ever seen. Remote control in the early 80s is almost as rare as a unicorn.

And it was about the same time that he got the first CD player as well. So he must have been making money. I think his job improved or something. But what, did he just... Hang on. I can imagine he did have a TV for a certain kind of moralistic reason or something and i think he would he'd moved more or did your dad just go who's this fucking sally james you keep talking about let's get italian i think they'd moved away slightly from the sort

of more hippie-ish sort of and vegetarianism and all of that stuff that was associated with the uh with the cult and he became a bit more normal perhaps money i don't know but yeah there was a time when he decided it wasn't going to be a huge problem for his kids to have you in the tv yeah tv yeah how wrong he was yeah because i used to fucking josh it i used to fucking before i could come i used to josh it i had this whole era now paul i wanted to notice i wanted to notice one thing yes you wanted to notice or you have noticed. I wanted to bring to your notice and that of the listeners. Yes.

One thing about this, because he's handed me, this is a soft cover annual thing. It's not even an annual, is it? It's just called a book, isn't it? It's just called a book. We call it an annual now by definition of its contents. It's just not as good, is it? But this has also been signed by the original owner.

Oh, who is that? Also female, Amanda White. Amanda White, if you're listening, we've got your book. been signed by the original owner. Oh who is that? Also female Amanda White. Amanda White if you're listening we've got your book. She's kept her original address. There's a lot of that

though. You watch all those old swap shops and stuff and they're constantly reading out the personal addresses of the children. Yeah it wouldn't

happen these days would it? No. He'd get fucking sued. Mate Cheggers has his own jumper that says Cheggers on it.

Yeah. Because that's when he started doing Cheggers Plays Pop. He got his own show. Yeah. And Because that's when he started doing Cheggers Plays Pop. It was about the same time. He got his own show. Yeah. And that must have been a big hit,

Cheggers Plays Pop. It was a big hit, I seem to remember. But that was on the CBB slot, the after school slot. Whatever that became at some point, yeah. Because I don't think

that really existed, the children's television afternoon slot yet. This is just not as fun. I mean, think about that. The afternoon kids TV show slots were born from things like Swap Shot,

Tiz Was and stuff. Yes. This book is things like Swap Shop, Tiz Was and stuff. This book is just not as fun as Tiz Was at all. It's less irreverent. Look, it's how to make upholstered cushions in here. It's very Blue Peter. But isn't that the thing? It's like Blue Peter was up against Magpie. And Magpie was Tiz Was to the BBC's Blue Peter Swap Shop.

I'd tell you you'd get it though philbin sorry that's the end of that she's looked good there she's there's an interview with her in there that says like she applied in the stage because they were looking for are you attractive and young and can you interview anyone email write a letter to us and then she got a phone call said come down to london because she was studying in manchester and then she met her husband call and said come down to London because she was studying in Manchester Theatre. And then she met her husband Cheggers on the set. Yeah, so it's not all good news. No. You know,

because I can't, I mean, I can't see what she saw in Cheggers. This is the whole Amanda Holden-Less-Dennis thing all over again. You know what I think

of Maggie Philbin for, of course? Tomorrow's World. Yeah. That's what I knew of her. She was a really good presenter on Tomorrow's World. Yeah.

John Craven. John Craven. I think he's a classy broadcaster as well, I have to say. Is he still going? Is he still alive, John Craven? I don't know. No. Again, but I knew him mostly as well Craven I think he's a classy broadcaster as well is he still going is he still alive John Craven

I don't know no but I knew him mostly from John Craven's news round I don't know John Craven's

news round would come on and your heart would sink a bit because it was always a bit boring yeah it was like

oh where's Graeme Jill shut up Craven this book is very much very much tamer

in every way but the book is much more for very much tamer in every way. But the book is much more for people who want to know how the show's made. Because that's literally bread and butter. They've got the whole thing of how the show's made. It's fascinating. It generally is quite fascinating. Because Noel walks in, they give him cards, and he has to memorise what happens in the show.

And the crew are doing all the hard work and planning four weeks in advance for the outside broadcasts and there's a lot a lot going on indeed indeed it is and welcome to the 100th multi-collar swap shop and i've got some details here we got some statistics do you realize that in the 100 programs we have been on the air for 1 million and 44 000 seconds seconds. Oh, I think I better get moving. Minutes 17,400, if you can't work out the seconds. We've done 4,000 phone calls live on the air. We've had 90 different Swapper armours. I've worn 103 different shirts. John has forgotten the new Swapper dress on 87 different occasions. Keith has worn out six atlases of Great Britain. Maggie has broken more Swap prizes and computer games than anybody else.

So I wonder what's going to happen today. Will John manage the address? Will you John? I'll try! Has Keith made it to the Swapper armour? What will Maggie break? Tune in! Well, stay tuned. It's the 100th Swap Shop. When did Noel break from the BBC? Well, probably when he got kicked off House Party. Okay, yeah. And then he fucked off the Sky. No, that was well after that.

That was the late, late breakfast show that happened on. Oh, look, Noel with a dog. That looks like a fucking huge dog. Mate, I've got to read you this. So every few pages on this fucking book, Noel for some reason goes, do you know what kids really like? Me talking about my farm that I just made with all my money and so like there's a section about him buying a tractor to leave the farm did

he when they were making the it's just the book presuming he has written this and i'm not quite sure if he's written this or not or whether it's some ghost writer but he goes yes she's grown noel's great dane now weighs it eight and a half. To keep that big frame the dog has to eat four cereal biscuits and a pint and a half of milk every day. And then later in the day three pounds of

tripe and two pounds of wheat with vitamins. You don't give a dog milk. He's given this dog milk. You shouldn't even give cats milk.

Did you know that? No you definitely can't give cats milk because they spray it out their backside afterwards. I bet a dog does as well.

There's Maggie Philbin you can colour in her clothes, because she has a black and white drawing of her. Oh. The Prince Frog. A goblin legend by Gordon Murray. A goblin? That's what it says.

A goblin. G-U-B-L-I-N. What the fuck is goblin? Don't know. I need to know now what goblin means. The poem is about a wizard who gets hired by a king to do something, but then it turns out the princess kisses the king

and the king turns into a frog. What does goblin refer to? I have no idea. It doesn't say what a goblin is at all. Is it like a goblin, but like, you know, less green or something? Here's Noel's story about a cow called My Lady Friend. I just want to read you a bit of this. I imagine, here's Noel in a nutshell.

You know when people talk about partridge and there's those partridges and they all come from mike reed and noel edmunds and dave lee travis but this sentence is something only noel edmunds would think would make sense right it says this i imagine that at one time or another all young children have dreamed about living on a farm have you have you ever lived you ever go oh i'd love to living on a farm. Have you? Have you ever go, oh, I'd love to live on a farm? I've never done that. I've never dreamed about that. Noel has. When Noel was a kid, he always wanted to be on a farm, and none

of his friends did, because they wanted to be footballers or movie stars, but Noel Edmonds wanted a farm. He didn't. No. He just made that up, because he's a lazy minded twat. Certainly for me, it is an ambition that has survived the rigours of growing up. And it was with an eager anticipation when two years

ago I moved into a house that had lots of land and allowed me to start a small agricultural activity. A close friend of mine ran a pig farm and told me... A close friend of yours ran a pig farm? It's loaded with other questions, isn't it? And said, if you want to get cows

go to East Anglia and make a purchase. I confess I didn't know what to look for. But the moment I spied her, I knew she was the one for me. She had the most beautiful eyelashes and a really soft way of rolling her eyes. It was definitely love at first sight. And I slipped my half-flaccid penis up inside the cow and said I'll take her I fucked her

big rubbery cow nostril hole and then he goes on about how he was obsessed with Magic Roundabout and loves Irma Trude and that's why he

named his cow Irma Trude he's got a thing for cows then yeah and then he bought another two cows and named them Esmeralda and

Evangeline original naming of the cows there. The arrival of your first cow was indeed a great moment. He wrote that sentence. No one else would ever need to write that sentence, Barnold Edmonds, and a farmer. He's such a...

It's a moment of excitement to rival one's first bicycle, first dog, first parking ticket. But as we led our newest acquisition... First parking ticket? What are you talking about? Why are they all so obsessed with motoring as well? Do you know what I mean? Anyway, he goes on to talk about how he took the cow into the cow shed

and the first thing it did was kick him. And now he's got a scar on his leg. Yeah, it will do that if you mess with their fannies. That's what happened. Everyone gone. I'll be like, no, what happened? Oh, he kicked me. I was just balls deep.

I was trying to fucking fist this cow. That's probably why he got the Great Dane. He thought the cow would take revenge. And then he goes on to say at the end, and then I'm going to buy a horse neck so I can buy a lasso and train him that way. So yeah, and then there's Mike Batt. There's a little thing about Mike Batt in here.

Mike Batt's in there. Why? Because he did the theme tune for Swap Shop, the original theme tune. There's two theme tunes, weren't there? At least. Here's one. And then Hello, Hello. This one, I have to say, is pretty fucking good.

It slaps, I believe they say. Which you heard at the beginning of this segment. That is the original theme. You've played it, have you? Already, yeah. There's a thing in here where John Craven talks about

how you make a newspaper. Noel Edmonds talks about how he got stuck in the mud once. They talk about how to do an outside

broadcast. I'll do pictures for our website. That's quite nice, all of that technical sort of detail. How to win a trip to the studio and be on

Swap Shop. That was a big deal for people. I would have wanted to be on Swap Shop if I was a kid at that age. Wouldn't you? No. I would have. Here's a good one as well would have wanted to be on swap shop if i was a kid at that age yeah you know i would have here's a good one as well i wanted to be on jim will fix

it that's the truth no i know what you mean every kid did they did unfortunately it was a honey trap that fucking thing so a giant of the movies there's a segment here also paul i just david prowse your favorite friend david prowse so dav Prowse is in this for no reason. He's literally just on a page for no reason. David Prowse was the Green Cross code man and he played, well, he helped to portray Darth Vader. Darth Vader, because of his stature. Was he born a mighty man, asks the Swap Shop book. And Dave Prowse says, no, as a boy I was so ill,

I spent a whole year lying flat on my back on a hospital bed. Yeah, this is part of his whole origin story that he used to tell all the time. when i finally said i could get up i'd grown a foot that must be unpleasant where did it grow from his hips it was his dick he had a foot on his dick he had a big grow his dick grew a foot and it wedged him up that'd be horrible if you had a big foot on the end of your dick would it be that horrible yes no think about it it'd be fucking horrible it'd be absolutely fucking horrible i'll tell, think about it. It would be fucking horrible. It would be absolutely fucking horrible.

I'll tell you what. If he had all the toes, the condom would fit like a glove. No, it wouldn't. It would fit like a sock. So anyway, he started to exercise to kind of get back some of his body mass he'd lost from being in hospital. Yes, that is the whole story.

And then he says, and then I taught Christopher Reeve how to become Superman in six weeks. Oh, he trained Reeve. Yeah, I think I heard that story as well. Do you know what the saddest part about... Was he like a stuntman?

No. Prowse. I don't think he was. He was a strong man, though. Yeah. Athletic. Yeah, athletic. But the interesting thing

and the sad thing about him is that, you know, he was the Green Cross code man. I don't know what the timeline is, but he was also Darth Vader around about the same time. Yes. But do you know what he was replaced by

when it came to the Green Cross code? r2d2 type fucking robot oh really so imagine being the green cross code where your face is on the screen i mean now we don't need you we're gonna get that other tin pot bastard in the film you're in yeah star wars again yeah yeah so anyway we got this and then oh another another page of Noel Evans talking about how he bought a lamb. Leave them alone, Noel. I don't give a fuck about your fucking Bird and Matthews industry. Why is everything about his fucking farm?

He just didn't want to talk about anything else. He had nothing to talk about. No, you've got five pages in this book. What do you want to talk about? Your music interests, your guests. Well, actually, I think kids would like to know about how I fucked a cow and got my fingers in a lamb.

Don't you remember having a dream about owning a farm? No, no one does. No one does. You fucking idiot. And then that's the book in a nutshell, really. It's full of stuff, but mostly it's about how they make the show. And also, if you want how to put a teddy in a basket. You can hang that teddy in a basket.

Hang a teddy in a basket. There's a few Blue Peter-y make-and-do things. Yeah, which are very tame. Very, very tame. Tiswads wouldn't mess with any of that crap. And then actually there's a page on here about the Chegwins. So Keith Chegwin has a twin brother. They perform songs for each other some of the time. And then Janice Long is the third

sibling who we lost recently. Sadly, yes. And then also they talk about how there was a late-night swap shop but it wasn't a late-night... It was a late-night swap shop as well. They copy everything. No, no, yes. And then also they talk about how there was a late night swap shop, but it wasn't a late night. It was a late night swap shop as well. They copy everything. No, no, no. I need to rephrase this.

Basically what they did was they had a top of the pops for swap shop where they would film all the musical acts who wouldn't want to get up at six in the morning to go and be on the show. So they're talking about how they filmed those special segments with the pop acts. Because as someone else points out, imagine you're Blondie and you've been cooking Coke coke and drinking all night and it's like your agent goes i don't

remember four o'clock start the fucking children in a field like lots of kids are going to be saying how did you get your name blondie yeah where did you think about the class and you're thinking oh god my life i think i snorted some drugs off fucking boy george's arsehole last night. You know? Yeah. But again, it's that tension between the sort of adult-orientated pop acts and the very young audience. You know?

Imagine being fucking adult. It's a unique time in a lot of ways and that is one of the aspects, the sort of, that tension. I wonder,

I don't know what pop music is like but it's not presented in children's TV now. You see what I mean? MTV kind of ruined that when you think about it because everything became

about music videos and slick production. The whole, like the whole, all of these age groups, the demographics have been much more identified,

sliced up and marketed to separately over the years. But they're trying to sort of market to a huge age range here. You know? I mean, all the way from the young children

to teenagers, basically. But if you're like the way from the young children to teenagers basically but if you're like the lead singer of Echo and the Bunny Man and at 8 o'clock in the morning you're faced with

Keith Chegwin how do you not take coke how can you not go I've got to do coke to get through this basically

what you're saying is they had a recording session where they'd actually get all the pop bands and it would be in the evening in the evening

and then they could just you know show it in the morning is that what they did yeah so like lots of kids would come to studio centre and see all these They'd actually get all the pop bands and it would be in the evening. In the evening. And then they could just, you know, show it in the morning. Is that what they did? Yeah. So like lots of kids would come to, you know, studio center and see all these big pop acts.

None of them were there when they were there. And then like Keith Chagin would perform a few songs to keep people interested between the acts. So it was like, yeah, all right. I say, well, we're going to. Before, sure, what do you want to come on? We're going to, me and my cousin brother we're going to sing how are we doing

with his brother we're going to sing Ferry Cross the Mersey so yeah I believe I mean I don't know if he's dead but I presume

he's the only surviving Chega poor old Chega yeah right moving on because we have to talk we've talked about it

in the past but let's talk about it again briefly because we're talking about all the merch Paul yeah

and they released the BBC TV series theme to Swap Shop. Well, that's the B side, because the A side is I'll be a winner or whatever it is. No, no, that's... You're reading the bottom, which is the B side. No, but look, the title of this seven-inch single, which I hold in my hand here,

which is on graph paper, a bit swotty. Is it a double A then? Is that what they're saying? Yeah, well, it just says, from the BBC TV series Swap Shop and then it lists the two tunes. I mean, it's not really a double A or anything.

They're just trying to sell it all on the fact that it's from Swap Shop. It got to number 26 in 1980 or whatever it was. And it's a song called I Wanna Be A Winner stroke Hello Hello

Swap Shop theme. Which is the second Swap Shop theme because the first one must have been the Mike Bat one. The Mike Bat one. Much better. Yeah, because that was written by B. the Mike Bat one the Mike Bat one much better

yeah because that was written by B.A. Robertson the second one hello and it's a terrible sort of Dave Edmonds I think is on it as well it's sort of a

cod calypso sort of thing isn't it well I'll tell you what let's play it right now We'll be right back. Thank you. Hello, hello is the... No, I Want To Be A Winner isn't the theme. That's just a song. No, I know. I've said that. Okay.

The theme is Hello, Hello, but that's taken from the other Swap Shop theme. But what was I Want To Be A Winner? Did they do that on the show? That was an original song that they released and sang as a single. There must have been some context for it. Yeah, probably on the show.

Tell you what, let's have a look. Because they weren't called Swap Shop. The band is called Brown. Brown Sauce. Yeah. Don't want to dance like Fred Steele Be like Superman through the air Don't want to join Claire Francis in the Riggins Pop the black with Hurricane Higgins

Don't want to ride like Willie Carson Be a bishop or an important parson Don't want to hit Jeff Falk off the floor Knock my hammered alley on the floor I just want to be a win Just a little Oscar place I just want to be a win Or a possible beast I just want to be a win. Just a little ask a please. I just want to be a win.

Or a possible please. I just want to be a win. I wouldn't mind if it was no help. I just want to be a win. Even Eric would serve me well. See one, feel one, touch one. See one, feel one, touch one. See one, feel one, win touch one. See one, feel one. Winner of the world. So, along with the B-side,

I Wanna Be a Winner was a one-off novelty single by a group that didn't actually exist. Brown's source consisted of Noel Edmonds, Keith Chegwin, Maggie Philbin. Can you imagine? Produced by B.A. Robertson, who co-wrote it with Edmonds. Oh.

But I think that's Dave Edmonds, not Noel. Really? Okay. I think it is. 81 in UK and Germany. I Want To Be A Winner contains a number of cultural references that future listeners will find difficult to identify.

Barbara Woodhouse is quoted in there and Hurricane Higgins is in there as well. I recognise all three of those. Chegwin singing the line I have no desire to marry Diana probably came as a relief to Philbin because she married him the following year although they divorced in 1993 it's shit well

my question is was it like a gag in the show where they formed the band for one segment and then the joke was well let's see if we can release it you know what i mean like everyone did that the bookeneers because they were like oh let that song was popular let's remake it and release it they didn't pose as a band they just did a sort of comedy novelty record. But here, they're actually posing as if they're like a proper band or something. I mean, I guess. But yeah, it's not an awful song, considering. It's really awful.

It's reminiscent of the style of the time, which is that slightly glam. Yeah. Pop, rock sort of thing. It's a bit glammy. You know, the B-side, Hello, Hello, is a fine theme, but it's not. I'd hate to say it, but it's no Winnie

was good as Mike Batts. No, Mike Batts really is very good. And I think the Womble's theme is a classic, personally. Remember you're a Womble. Not that one. Remember, remember,

remember you're a Womble. Not that one, no. Because he didn't write the Womble's theme, did he? Yes, he did. What's that theme then? The W he didn't write the Wombles theme, did he? Yes, he did. What's that theme then? The Wombles of Wimbledon. In common are we.

Making good use of the things that we find. The things that the everyday folks leave behind. Uncle Bulgaria. He can remember the days when he wasn't behind the times. It's got a sort of McCartney-esque lilt to it, the whole thing. He's got a very McCartney-esque lilt to it. Oh, there's a recipe by Delia Smith in here as well. She was banging around back then as well.

Yes. She says squidgy chocolate biscuits or cheese-crusted scones. I'll have a cheese-crusted scone, please. Oh, I'll have one of them. I like a cheese-crusted scone, actually. one of them I like a cheese crusted scone actually good idea actually I'm really hungry for one of those now

that'd be really quite nice we've got fucking two other shows to cover this has been the worst idea you've ever had for a show I'm going to end on some of Keith Chegwin's favourite jokes oh no

but didn't he get accused of nicking on Twitter in recent years he was at it already then on his Twitter account he was repeating other people's jokes. And that's what he's doing here. It started in 1976 by accounts of things.

How does a fly commit suicide? Kid wrote this joke. He doesn't eat. A lot of fly death in these kids' shows, I've realised as well. The fly just simply stops eating. No, he watches SWAT shop.

But if he watched SWAT... Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bell. Well, hold this and I'll ring you. That's basically what it is, yeah. Take these tablets, if they don't work,

give me a ring. What did the German... You'll like this one, I think. I don't know why, but I think you'll like this one. I know, I like it already. What did the German policeman say to his chest?

You are the worst. I can't believe you got so close and still fucked it. You are. You're so close. Come on. With his chest. You are. German, think about it. You are the brat first. No. Forget sausage. Forget the sausage. What should I think of? Just think about how

you would be a policeman if you were German. Let's be having you. No, it's not that. The answer is, you are under a vest. Under a vest! I knew that! Can you re-edit it so it sounds like I got it? Let's just do it now.

What did the German policeman say to his chest, Eli? You are under a vest! No, it's what you are the brat first. Right, last one. What do cannibals play at parties? Again, kids wrote these fucking things.

What do they play? Head bongos. Empty head bongos. Empty head bongos is the best you've got. No, they play man's gut string guitar. No.

Brain sundae. No, this is painful. The answer is swallow my leader. Swallow My Leader. Swallow My Leader's Camel Down Him. Yes, that's the one. That's the one, Eli.

I don't think I can do the rest of this show, Paul. Well, listen, look, we are only halfway through. Halfway through our Saturday. We've been going for two hours.

So, we are going to come back next week, ladies and gentlemen, and we're going to tackle the cream of the crop, number 73 in Saturday Superstore. And then at the end, we're going to come back next week ladies and gentlemen and we're going to tackle the cream of the crop number 73 in Saturday Superstore and then at the end

we're going to judge all of them together so join us then okay wait we should probably do a proper outro yeah we have to do a proper outro

yeah let me just put a little sound effect in here and then we'll do a proper outro okay that's the end of that episode and at the end of our surprise

two part series on Saturday morning TV shows well Paul okay that's the end of that episode and at the end of our surprise two or two part series on Saturday morning TV shows well Paul I've enjoyed it so far I think everyone knows who the winner is for me so far well I don't know

maybe next week maybe next week you'll change your mind because next week we're going to be talking about number 73 which did something really interesting

which we'll get into and did make it stand out from everything else and we'll get into, and did make it stand out from everything else. And we'll be talking about the absolute shitshow drive pile of shit that is Saturday Morning Superstar. Now, I don't want to put my feelings out there about what I think will win or lose. I think I agree, because it's got that cunt Mike Reed on it as well, doesn't it? Mike Reed is just an absolute frothy cocksplosh.

He's worse than Edmunds. In a world of Edmunds as well, he's worse. In the One-'s worse than Edmonds in a world of Edmonds as well he's worse in the one-eyed kingdom Mike Reed is blind I don't know but we're going to be talking about that next week

so join us next week where we will finish off our Saturday morning breakfast kids show showdown show showdown

up until then support us on Patreon if you can but only if you can please patreon.com forward slash cheap show everything you want else is on our website thecheapshow.co.uk it's there for links to our merch patreon videos episodes pictures all the photos of this stuff we've covered today it's all there it's all there so thecheapshow.co.uk um we're on instagram we're on facebook you can find us by looking for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod

but we're most chatty on Twitter so I'm at Paul Gannon Show Eli is Eli Snoid and that is spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D

Paul are you going to take sorry I forgot to say and at the Cheap Show Pod are you going to take a photo of me in my new course I will

instant cup noodle tat is that going to be available yeah I'm definitely going to do that so you I'll be taking a picture and that'll be on the page for this particular episode

on our website. Is that it? I've enjoyed this. I know people like eat dicks and talk about Smough. We did talk about Smough quite a fair amount. I mean, we talked about...

Do you want to squeeze a little bit and drop it out now? I don't want to do that. Just save it for next week. Yeah. Because we're talking about Mike Reid. Yeah. If there's ever a reason

to talk about Sploshy Cum, it's where Mike Reid's face is in my direction. Paul, I just want to say I'm quite interested how gunge developed as an issue in TV. And I think this does

throw some light on it because you said the water. Yeah. If you think about it, if you put that pie in water, the Tis Was pie in water, and mixed it all up, it turns a bit gungey,

doesn't it? It's the missing link, maybe. But what I will say is this, is that Noel Edmonds was all like, no, Tis Was do all this. Because, like, Tis Was took the piss out of Swap Shop on it. They would laugh about it. But they could. But Noel never did.

But I think, I mean, and a lot of these differences are to do with the fact that the BBC is funded publicly. So it has to be seen. And so it has to do things. Whereas Tis Was has free arraign. Because it's to be seen. And so it has to do things. Whereas Tiz was, has free arraign because it's an independent production from an independent company. Do you see what I mean?

And also you have to have something to react against and the best thing to react against is the BBC by and large. Auntie Beeb, yes. Because the BBC, you know, Swap Shop would want a camera outside and talk with the people in the studio.

Can you talk about your auntie again, please? Auntie, yeah. Well, funnily enough, my auntie's really into... Vegetables. Well, here's what you'd be interested to find out. She likes to put sliced fruit into toasters. Fuck!

I saw her the other day, and she took this big lemon and sliced the slice out of the centre. What did she say, though? She went, I snoffed, I snoffed. Snoff, snoff. Join us next week, everyone. And then she put it in the toaster, and then just put that little handle down.

I'm not interested, no. You're not interested? No, this is, no. It're not interested? No, this is... No, it's not in a... There's two things wrong with it. The colour of a lemon is yellow and I only like green veg going in an oven with one of your female relatives.

So if I mix it to a slice of lime... Yeah. Slice of lime in the oven. And do it in the accent. Ooh, he put me fucking lime in. And I dare so me auntie, she put a big fucking slice of lime in the toaster the other day.

Oh, the toaster. And put it on to max setting. Yeah. Fucking. She probably electrocutes herself, actually. No, she put a little finger down and pressed the little thing. That's a zinger. And then when the lime popped out.

I don't want to talk about your auntie. She slapped it up there, Fanny. Right, there we go. That's the end of that episode, everybody. Thanks, everyone. See you next week for part two of our saturday morning showdown

bye bye everyone bye bye