CheapShow - Ep 269: Porky Broth

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

After the last few weeks of hardcore retro TV nostalgia, Paul and Eli are back to doing what they do best… Whatever that is! This week, Eli was promised snacks and noodles, and this is exactly what he is getting. There are unusual snacks to enjoy, odd drinks to try and not throw up whilst drinking and a trilogy of cup noodles to slurp down. Eli is over the moon. Paul, as ever, not so much! He does not care for the snacks, can’t keep the drinks down and all he wants to do is crack wise and create another batch of horrible new characters. This episode doesn’t quite come off the rails, but Paul tries his best to derail Eli’s excitement… Which isn’t that hard considering the repercussions from Eli’s confession last week! Find out what that is in this week’s cheap and cheerful episode. See pictures and/or videos for this episode here: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-269-porky-broth And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello everybody. Hello everybody. Welcome to the Cheap Show podcast. It's the Cheap Show podcast with me, Eli Silverman. And me, Paul Gannon. Hello. And I'd like to thank all the people who reached out on Twitter to say how much they enjoyed all the hard work I put into researching and getting this stuff for the Saturday morning showdown two-parter. A lot of looking at Wikipedia. And especially the people who seem to only remember the hard work as Eli's wank away fantasy.

Now, I had something- Because that's what people tend to take away. Now, Paul, I had- Do all the work. And especially the people who seem to only remember the hard work as Eli's wank away fantasy. Now, I have something. Because that's what people tend to take away. Now, Paul. Now. Do all the work. It's like, oh, Eli got tossed off by water. No, don't. Please.

In all seriousness, I have to take this to a serious level now. Do you? Yes. And it's about that unfortunate confession that I made on last week's episode. Okay, Paul? Are you ashamed? No, it's got worse than that. Was it TMI?

No, Paul. Go on. There's been.'s got worse than that. Was it TMI? No, Paul. Go on. There's been... Developments. Developments, okay. Or has a swimming pool turned up and said she's pregnant? There are paddling pools

in the Letchworth area. Who look like you. They're claiming I'm their dad, right? No, it's not fucking funny, mate. It is. It's my fucking life we're talking about here, okay? And I've looked into some of these.

Some of them aren't even paddling pools. Some of these, there was a jacuzzi. And one of them was a fucking puddle. Now, mate, you know why you can't trust them? They lie, though. And I... Boom! Boom! I just want to say...

Go on, sorry. I will do a DNA test if there's any legitimate paddling pools... That come forward. Yes, but if you're a jacuzzi... Yeah, no. Come on. You were bought... Or a bidet or something.

Especially if you're a bidet. Fucking bidet trying it. Dear. So I'd just like to say, yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. I was trying to think of a gag about alimony

but I can't be arsed I have a gag go on I've developed this gag Paul here we go lead us right into the credit sequence with this gag because you were saying

oh you can't do a gag no take us in you can't fucking do a gag take us into the credit sequence with a gag right now go on you can't do a gag

I won't interrupt oh oh my god Paul you're saying shit you're so tiring and boring oh my god I say shit every week Paul I won't interrupt. Oh, Eli. Geek, geek. Oh, my God, Paul. You're so tired and boring. Oh, my God. I say shit every week, Paul. By the way, I got wiped off by water. Come on, that was great.

Anyway. Yeah, you lapped it up. Right, you ready for this joke? Oh, fire. You lied-o. You lied-o. Right. Here's the joke

I'll say nothing you don't fucking I promise I'll tell you what I'll turn my volume down on the thing you don't have to do that ladies and gentlemen

Eli's joke what did the doctor say to his patient who had diarrhea when he wanted to ask him a favour I don't know what did the doctor

say to his patient when his patient who had diarrhea who had diarrhea and wanted to do him a favour. You've fucked it now.

I haven't. Listen, start again, yeah? All right. God, this cold over gets me wrong. Don't repeat it. Don't fucking repeat the joke, okay? I'll just... We'll just assume.

Yeah, just move. I'll just say, I don't know. Okay. All right? So you have a bit of cool response. What? I've worked on the fucking build-up and then you mis-fucking paraphrased

my build-up, all right? Fucking... I didn't expect to be... Don't paraphrase my build-up. I didn't right. I didn't expect to be... Don't paraphrase my build-up. I didn't expect to be needed in the joke. No, you're not. You're not, Paul. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli's joke, take two.

What did the doctor say to his patient who had... What did the doctor say to the... What did the doctor say to his erm, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ooh, ah, diddly, diddly, ding, dong, ooh, ah, woo, woo, doh, doh, doh. What did the doctor say to his patient who had diarrhoea when he wanted to

ask him a favour? I don't know. What did the doctor say to his patient who wanted to ask him a favour when he had diarrhoea? Do me a solid.

Come on, that's a real joke. Yeah, welcome to Cheap Show. Thank you, yeah. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off. It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And a go and a nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I am Paul Gannon. That is Eli Silverman. And we're here for another week of bargain basement laughs

in more than one sense of the word. What's the other sense? We're shit. We are, we are. Got anything else you want to say? Bargain Basement in terms of it's cheap, but it's free. Yeah.

And also it's shit. We are shit. Shit and free. It's important we point that out to save us any real criticism from the comedy press. Yeah. I think we're beyond that now, aren't we, Paul? Yeah.

I like to think we're better than reviews. Well, we're out in the wilderness here. We're in the comedy press. Yeah. I think we're beyond that now, aren't we, Paul? Yeah. I like to think we're better than reviews. Well, we're out in the wilderness here. We're in the podcast wilderness. We're in the podcast forests, hacking away. I see some fruit. Woo-hoo! The fruit makes a noise. It's an owl.

It's a furry owl biscuit. No, it's a banowlna. Oh, my word. Woo-hoo! I can't work with you anymore it looks a bit it looks a bit like prince prince tom no it looks like a furry sausage upside down right we're gonna start this again sounds like toby no i'm liking this one sounds like toby now what we what we got coming up on the show that's what i usually as agreed mrman, because we did a lot of Gannon stuff and nostalgia and old TV,

this week we're going back to good old foodstuffs. Foodstuffs. Yes. We like to cheap eat and also a little bit of what people really deep down in their soul. What they really, really want. They really want from the show. Except, you know. What they really need from this show.

The service that people are looking for when they become involved in a long-term, cheap show listening relationship, Paul. It's just, you know. We all know. The data says otherwise. It's the elephant in the room these days because of your fucking attitude, but everyone knows it's noodles.

The data says otherwise. The data says fuck you. No, the data says they're our least popular episodes. The data's come in. Fucking noodles rule. That's what the data says. The sad fact is... It's listening to your heart.

The sad fact is you launched your career on the internet off the back of a noodle monologue on Barshans, right? And then after that you've been trading on that one piece of feedback

you've had from people, more noodles, please. I could monetize my love of noodles but I don't because I've got a pure love of it. No, you don't because you can't

and you're bone idle. Noodles, everyone. Coming up later in the show. Yeah, so we have noodles. There's the penance. What do you mean there's the penance? There's our penance for sitting through the joy. I've got hard penance. That's right.

Oh, my penance has stand up. Your penance has turgid. Oh, my penance is weeping a little tear. Milky tear. Right, okay. So on the show today, we're going to be going through some instant noodles that Eli's brought along. Fuck you. Oh, the hairy upside down owl sausage.

Oh, there he is. Right. Oh, he's left a little pellet on the branch. Yeah, because he fucking smells bad as well. And the pellet smells like sweet as fudge. Oh, it does, right. Oh. Right, so it, right. Woo-hoo! Right, so it's cheap pizzas at first.

We're going straight into that, are we? Mate, where's the foreplay? Come on! I'm trying to give you foreplay. Should I just stick it right in right now, even though I'm off up? Should I just do that? I'm not fully a rat, but once I'm in, I'll work it up. Should I just stick it right in now?

No foreplay, no mincing around, no bit of fun. No, I wouldn't do that to you. The look in your face was so disdainful. Well, I just wasn't. The thing you're doing with the owl wasn't really. You'll fucking love it. The banana owl. Banana owl.

Banana owl. Banana owl. What's its natural habitat? It's in, funnily enough, a habitat store. Its favourite habitat is a habitat store. Well's favourite Habitat is a Habitat store. Well done there. Well done for making that reach to Habitat. I don't even know if Habitat is a store.

No, well done. You heard me say the word Habitat and then I asked you to do one simple piece of inventive creativeness. Do you know what part of Habitat? The Haberdashery? Oh, mate. No, that was good. Oh, mate. That was good.

That was good. He loves it there. Is that it? Are you wet yet? Can we... No, we've got a package that's been sent to us from a Ben.

Yes. By the way, a Ben's got a brand new cheap show magazine coming on its way to Patreons. And this month, it's crazy

what a Ben's managed to get. So your Patreons and this month it's crazy what events managed to get so your Patreons will find out I think there's a certain amount of not secrecy because I think it might have been announced either way

all I'm saying is Patreons have got a particularly awesome edition of the magazine coming rather soon but you don't have to be a Patreon of our podcast to see the magazine

is that right? No if you want you can go to details on the website but you can go to details on the website, but you can go to Event Shop for Cheap Show and buy yourself a physical edition of that magazine. Right, but you also get access to all of the digital copies if you support us from...

Even on the lowest tier, is that right? No matter what tier you are, you get the magazine when Event deems it suitable for release. There's no schedule anymore. It's as and when. But also, are they able to view digital copies of all the old ones as well? Yeah, the minute you become a patron, you get access to all the back catalogue. You've got to do a bit of

searching, because I don't know how it all works. But you can go through all the tiers, and there's like four years of shit now. There's a lot of mags out there that event has done over the years. Event calling! Oh! Falco. What do you mean, Falco? That's the name of the artist who Yvonne calling. Oh. Falco. What do you mean Falco? That's the name of the artist

who sang Vienna Calling and Rock Me Amadeus. Rock Me Amadeus. It is... You knew that? No, I don't know. That's not German at all. Amadeus, Amadeus.

No, you're not. You're a stage. Oh. Mate, I might be the funniest man in the world right now. Or I'm a paddling pool. Eli's my dad. Give me a set up and I'll give you a punchline. Quick, quick, quick the funniest man in the world right now. Or I'm a paddling pool. Eli's my dad. Give me a set up and I'll give you a punchline.

Quick, quick, quick. Don't think. Sure. What did the chair say to the pizza fruit? Oh, I can't believe I've stained me seat. Next one. What did the car say to the opera singer? Brum, brum.

That is really... No, I can't go on with this. Brum, brum. I can't go on with this Brum brum Brum brum I can't go on with this One more One more for my ego I'll knock it out the park this time I promise

What did Edward Woodward Say to the prostitute? Five pence please Why would he ask her for money? You don't know who said that did you? Well I said The set up Specified that Edward would...

Oh, he's changing it now. Why's the owl? The prostitute? The owl sausage thing is the... It's watching. All right. Mate, I'm tired out now. Can we start again?

Honestly, we should start this bit again. I think I've committed to this now. You fucking said you were going to knock those out of the park and that was probably the worst work you've ever done. Honestly. It really was.

You got overconfident, mate. I know, you really were. You didn't, you couldn't think of anything. I tried to just go on impulse. You couldn't think of anything then. I'll give you one quick then. What did the chicken say to the fishing net? Cod!

It doesn't make no sense, Kavner. Right, so we've got a box. It better sense. We've gone mad. That's it, thatavner. Right. So we've got a box. Evend is sent. We've gone mad. That's it. That's it. We've reached the limit of what we're capable of. Bakak!

Dover soul! Bakak. Come on. Let's taste some food. We need energy is what we need. So the setup of the show is Evend's box of delicious treats and then your noodle showdown. It's a little three-way noodle showdown. Everywhere's a showdown.

It's all business. The end of Colin. So let's start this episode properly right now with events box. I wish I had a better ending than that. No, that's good. Events box coming next. All right, good.

You didn't put a sound effect in. Blop, blop. No. Oh, you mean the one in the thing to sell? Yeah, but what? I'll do that now then. I can do a sound effect with my mouth go on

right so say events box and now we're going straight into events box card my card my card that's it

my card my card that's it right cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheaper cheaper cheaper cheaper cheaper cheaper cheaper cheaper That's it. Right. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep Here we go. Chibits. I like that one. It's a Chibits time. So we're going to dive into the lovely box that event has sent with so many delicious goodies. And also, as a side event. Event. Side note.

As a side note. Event. Event. Event. Yay. Events. We can all do it. Yeah.

As a side event, event also put these tiny little, I mean, what? I think they're gotcha pon toys. I think they must be gotcha pond toys of some sort, but these are fucking beautiful things. These are little, it's a, it is gotcha pond because they always

have these collections of, don't they? A range of a different type. So what these effectively are, are like, you know, we've had like, they're

little labyrinth toys essentially, like rock and roll maze, screwball scramble, the like tiny teeny ones of those. Tiny ones. And we're going to

make this a Patreon video, I think. So that's something to look forward to. If you ones are those tiny ones and we're going to make this a patreon video i think so that's something to look forward to if you're patreon god we're really selling that out this week i don't know why but yeah yeah but we can you can see photographs you'll take some photographs yeah yeah um and they're beautiful they're so there's in the series there's a there's a little miniature sort of ice hockey rink uh sorry air hockey rink isn't it yeah then left in a little booklet with all the range. These ones all seem to be sort of labyrinth toys. And they have a little ball bearing with them.

Those ones are, yeah. Sorry, the ones that we've been sent. I think they're all different. We might have one or two the same. These two are the same. Yeah, they're very much like Screwball Scramble or those kind of Tomy Kong man. With little marbles and things.

And then you get a little ball. They're fucking fantastic things. But again, these thingsramble or those kind of Tony Kong. Some little marble run things. And then you get a little ball. They're fucking fantastic. But again, these things do have little kind of Rock'em Sock'em Robox toy. There's some kind of weird contraption. There's a pachinko machine. There's some kind of ball bearing fighting game. I don't know. These are great.

Aren't they great? Yeah, absolutely great. And we're going to play with them in a future Patreon vid. We will. Maybe this month. We don't know, do we? I think we will. I think we might.

We will as well. And if we're talking about labyrinth toys, I did have a go on the Rubik's, the fusion, the crossover Rubik's labyrinth thing. You were given as a lovely Christmas present. I was given as a Christmas present. And very difficult. It's a bit of a head fuck because you've got to know.

You have to align these. There's four different labyrinths. Yeah. In the four blocks. No, there's eight. Is there? Yeah. Four squares. There's four different labyrinths. Yeah. In the four blocks. No, there's eight. Is there? Yeah. Four squares.

Is it four squares? So four by four is eight, isn't it? Is it? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Twist, twist. It's only four by four, so there'd be eight blocks in general. Okay.

So there's eight mini labyrinths in the overlooking. Is there eight mini? Yeah. Wait, no, is it one, one, one, one? Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. No, it's still eight. No, if it was four, it would be flat.

No. Yes, it would. If it was four blocks. Oh, yeah, it would be. It would be flat, wouldn't it? Yes. So it's eight. A little sneer you gave me.

Oh, Tommy. Oh. Oh, Tommy. Tommy. Oh, I could crush a grape. You could crush a grape? What are you talking about? Oh, rock on, Tommy.

Sorry, I thought I... Yes, it's eight. It's eight. I'm sorry. I never claimed to be great at maths. No, but you always like telling me how shit I am. Well, that thing about nitrogen being explosive, that was funny. Yeah?

That was funny. Yeah, do you know what else was funny? What? You admitting you're wanked off by water. I didn't. I didn't get wanked. Listen, what happened is a special feeling started in daddy's belly. Right?

Yeah. And it goes, ooh, ooh. Imagine this. It used to happen to me in the sea as well. Yeah. With the waves, you know? Yeah. The real waves in the sea.

Yeah. And it goes, ooh, and it builds, ooh, ooh. So what you're saying is you're a serial water masturbator? I didn't touch myself at any time during this. If you do this in the water, in the sea, does that mean little rock pools are going to start springing up everywhere? Little crab creatures. Yeah, little crabs coming out of rock pools.

Eli crabs. Eli crab. Anyway, let's taste some fucking stuff here. So then also sent some lovely foodstuffs and drinks for us to taste. What would you like to start with, Mr. Silverman? It's all up to you. I think we should start with this kissburn stuff. So, yes, it's braised beef, and I imagine...

No, it's not braised beef. What does it say there? What's the last word, Paul? I'm sorry to get all... Yeah, okay. Let me just say, the word flavour is there, but you interrupted me before I got to the word flavour. So, you went, I went braised beef before I got to flavour.

No, I think you'll find... Here's's the thing let me break this down psychologically eli you ask a question to me and i've noticed this over the last few episodes okay there's something about your psychology right that means you can't be wrong or not have that knowledge in your head there has this area that you have to have where you know everything so what happens is you go this here's how it breaks down and i'd like i invite listeners of the podcast to go back into past episodes and see where he does this right eli goes so what he do and then i'll say well he likes to oh yeah he likes to do that doesn't he yes yeah he didn't like to do that yeah i knew that i knew that yeah so what does that do uh when you put that in the water oh yeah it dissolves doesn't

it yeah yeah i knew that i knew that you have to in the water... Oh, yeah, it dissolves, doesn't it? Yeah, it dissolves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew that. I knew that. You have to jump to the end. You can't let a conversation run out. I'll try not to do that anymore. Kiss burn braised beef. It's braised beef flavour.

Flavoured. Little bits of meat. It's soy protein of some sort. That's what I'm saying. So when it says flavour then, what is the actual thing we're eating? I reckon what we're eating is a soy-based meat substitute. Oh, that's interesting.

Because it's braised beef flavour. If it was braised beef, it'd just be braised beef. Yeah, true. Like, what's that meat that you buy in bags and it's all dried out? Jerky. Jerky. Yeah. Bill Tong.

Who? Bill Tong. He lives down the road. He makes yachts. Fills them with hairy cum. Mini gluten snack. He makes yachts. Fills them with hairy cum. Mini gluten snack. Braised beef flavour. Oh, it's gluten.

With sugars and sweetener. Mini gluten snack. Oh, that's literally all it says. It's a mini gluten snack called a kiss burn. Ingredients. Wheat, flour, soy, water. It's gluten, isn't it? Chili, yeah.

It's gluten. You know what else is gluten? I think, have you ever had seitan? He came into my life many occasions. Have you ever eaten the Japanese food product seitan? No. It's a sort of meat substitute, but a lot of meat substitutes are on the soy.

It's a van outside pulling up slowly. What's it doing? Whiny van outside. So, you know, usually like a meat substitute will be soy based yes like corn or something no corn isn't soy no no corn is uh mushroom based bean feasts tofu basically tofu is used as a meat substitute but also you can use gluten wheat gluten yeah and this is satan and that's what this is as well satan has a, they use it for sort of fake fried chicken and stuff. Oh.

And there's a fake fried chicken shop called Temple of Seitan. Apparently very nice. I tried a vegan chicken burger the other day. And? It was good. It was just a place up in Crouch End. I can't remember what it's called,

but it was really nice. Had a really strong sort of garlic aioli. Oh, areolite. Areoli lives next to Bill Tong. Yeah. Up the road. Oh, it smells nice. Has a nice five spice.

Yeah, five spice. Has that Asian five spice smell, this kiss burn. We haven't, what's a strange name, a kiss burn? Is it like a scab? No, kiss burn is when your kisses are so hot they scorch, baby. Have you ever had a kiss burn on your knob? No. I have a scab? No. It is a bit scabby looking, this. When your kisses are so hot, they scorch, baby. Have you ever had a kiss burn on your knob? No. I have.

Have you? Yeah. Someone with very raspy mouth, he'd give me a kiss burn. Someone had carpet inside his mouth. Why don't you just shut up? I'm going to try some of this right now. It looks like a cube. It's sort of a strip of brown.

Well, it looks like jerky. Rubbery jerky. Yeah. And it's very strong smell. Very chewy. Oh. It's very fibrous. Very fibrous.

It's like a greasy, fibrous. It's a bit curry-y. Oh, it's got a very strong cumin flavour. That's that flavour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all right. It's okay. That's a little snack.

Nice bit of burn afterwards. It's spicy. That's the kiss burn. I guess that's what it is. Yeah. That's all right. It's okay. That's a little snack. Nice bit of burn afterwards. It's spicy. That's the kiss burn. I guess that's what it is. Yeah. That's all right. In a packed lunch or something, you know what I mean? It's that kind of thing.

I guess. To nibble on, because what else would you do with it? It's a snack, isn't it? Yeah, it's all right. I actually don't mind it. The texture's a little bit... It's sweet and a very cumin-y sort of, you know, that cumin flavour. I think that cumin flavour's a bit strong.

It's got the texture, actually, when I I think about it of like a gummy sweet. It is almost. It's more fibrous. Like a wine gum. Almost. Almost. Not quite but. But not 100% unpleasant.

You can't wolf it down. It's a nibbler. It's sort of over I just didn't like the cumin the intensity of the cumin flavour there. I think the aftertaste is kind of

it puts you on the back foot because it gives you such a nice aftertaste that you go I'll have another bite and then the bite isn't quite as nice as the aftertaste. It's like you bite it and you go, I don't know if I like the texture.

Nom, nom, nom. Oh, what nice flavours. Oh, and then you go back and have another bite. Oh, I don't like that. So you're saying you don't like the texture as much as the flavour? Yeah. That's basically it. I think it's like a softer flavour, a softer texture.

Yeah. Yeah. It's quite chewy and fibrous almost. Maybe if it was more like a slightly tougher... That's the gluten. Yeah. That's the gluten. What would you give it then out of...

I'm going to grade it. I'm going to give it a B minus. Oh, there we go. We're both thinking along the same pathway. In agreement. Next one then. Do you want to do the... Let's do the fucking ice cream flavoured smoothie

to clear the cumin out of my gobble. Yeah, these were also sent in, obviously. And we looked it up and it does say mango ice cream flavoured smoothie and it comes in a little like fruit punch bag, I guess. Sashay. It's like, you know, the kind of apricot fruit drink. It's like astronaut food or something. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's got like a sachet, a sort of rectangular sachet with a quite complicated looking opening mouthpiece where you suck the There's a little kind of drawing where it says squeeze and then put it in your garble or something.

Keep it in the fridge. Oh, I didn't do that. Although it has been in the cold part of the flat. These are quite chill anyway when you think about it. They don't feel warm. How long have you had them?

When did they arrive? These are going to be so bad. Is there a best before? Yeah, 20th of this month, 2022. So we're good. Okay. Here we go. It's got a weird kind of snap twist.

What do I have to do? I think you just twist it and it snaps open. Oh, you twist it. Okay. All right. I've twisted mine. I've twisted mine. Smells a bit like fruit.

Smells a lot like mango. Oh, it's a little. He's squeezing it. Oh, he's got it on his fucking... I think I need to shake it first to mix it up. All the dirty mango water's come off

the top, mate. Yeah, maybe that's what I forgot to do. It's separated. It's fucking separated in this sachet. It's a sweaty separated sachet.

I feel like... No, it's meant to be a juice. It's not meant to be like a smoothie. It did say smoothie, didn't it? Ice cream flavoured smoothie.

Yeah, but it... When you did the translation oh that sounds like you wanking off oh that's rich coming from Mr Splashabout I'll never live that down

will I it's alright it's replaced in everyone's mind the story of you being sick and shitting at your arse at the same time remember yeah

and I haven't mentioned the incident stop about the incident it's getting too close for comfort tell me about that right I'm going to have another go at this then oh yeah it's getting too close for comfort tell me about that right i'm gonna have another go with this then oh yeah it's a bit more mixed now and it's still very juicy oh that's all right it's very jelly jelly like i quite like that it's all right

it's a bit pulpy yeah it's a bit more jelly than i thought it was going to be it's got jelly element i can tell you've got a real issue with that kind of texture, don't you? Anything a bit... It's what I don't know it's meant to be jelly. You know, if I'm promised like smoothie and it's a bit more jelly. Is that what he said to you when he spanked it? Who's he? Don't worry.

I don't know. Your latest alleyway encounter. Right, good. Thank you for that. You never even look in their face, do you? No. Unlike you, who fucking drops your pants

around a puddle, apparently. That's not too bad. No, it's not. It's all right. I've never been a huge fan of mango flavour. Oh, I like mango. I love mango flavour.

Mango's like lychee for me. It's a bit too sweet. I love the flavour of mango, me. But, as a grade, I'd probably give it a C. Again, it's something you'd put in a lunchbox, isn't it? It is all packed lunchy, isn't it?

It's a very packed lunchy thing. I think that's all right. What would you give it then? I'd give that a B. I like it. Yeah? It's very juicy. It is juicy.

And it's got a nice aftertaste. Yeah. Yeah. It's not off. So did you give it a B? I gave it a B. B's good. I gave it a C.

I don't know why I'm going along with your bloody, your new scoring system. You don't have to. I said I was going to do it. Well, I feel left out. Well, then make your own scoring arbitrary system for something that doesn't really matter anyway now. I can't think of a scoring system. How about waves?

Two waves out of five. Listen, that's all behind me now. That's a real six-footer, that is. It wasn't about the size of the waves. It was about the repetitive flowing motion of the waves across my nads. Yeah. Did you ever go up to those jets on swimming pools?

No, it's not about that. I'm not blasting my nuts right on your balls. I don't blast my nuts with it. No. Let's move on to the drinks. What would you like to do first? I would like to try this one first,

because I think I might not like it. The rice pudding. It's not a rice pudding. It's not a rice pudding. It's rice punch. It's Paldo. Korean rice punch. Now, Paldo make noodles.

Yeah. They make ramen. Yes. And we tried their... We've tried a couple of their noodles over the years, I think, Paul. We ate their cheese ramen. That's the one.

Oh, yeah. They're good. Paldo are very gooddo they're a competitor of Sam Young Sam Yang I nearly said Samsung Sam Yang and also

the big boys of the Korean noodle world Nong Shim so this is they're up there with Nong Shim and Sam Young

it just says rice punch there's no equivalent in the west they said that's what I'm saying in the article we have rice pudding

in the west yes but we don't have a rice well no because what the West, is there? That's what I'm saying. In the article. We have rice pudding in the West. Yes, but we don't have a rice. Well, no, because the closest would be, what's that? Sake. Sake. Yeah. That's probably the most well-known. That's that part of the world.

But in terms of the West, that's mostly the most well-known rice-based drink. Probably, yeah. And that's wine, which they drink warm. Do you like sake? Yeah. In small amounts, not loads. No? No.

It's a bit savoury it's just kind of it kind of just burns have you ever had japanese green tea that has brown rice in it no that's nice yeah it's very toasty it's toasted brown rice it has a very toasty toasty flavor it could that's why i'm don't know what to what to expect from this i think this will be very sweet rice punch korean traditional beverage and they say it's like that this is used in a lot of drinks and cocktails around new year's it's a new year's drink okay apparently i think it'll be very sweet let's find out i open it now because we had they've got these little cans these little korean cans and we had do you remember we had that cinnamon he's smelling it it's not he's not he's

not doing it he's having the half and it's not a good face. What's that like, the huff? It smells like rice pudding. Well, that's alright. Don't you like rice pudding? No. Why don't you like rice pudding? It's spoffy. Oh, yeah. Well, it's sort of a straw. Sort of, yeah. Not a very strong flavour. Now, I hope it's gloopy and makes

you want to vomit because I always enjoy that. You can pour yours and I'll pour mine. Oh, it's milky. Yeah. It's cloudy and milky but there's no little floaters. It looks like pond scum.

You know what it looks like? It looks just like that fish flavoured special edition Nissen Cup Noodle soda. Just a dash. He's took about half a finger and I've got a full finger in my glass here.

And shall we? Down the hatch. Down the hatch. Oh, there is a floater. Oh, there's a floating grain. I did not like that. Did you get a floater? No.

Look at this, Paul. It looks like a little rat turd in it. Oh, no, I can't. Can you see my brown floater? Look at that brown floater. Paul, look at the brown floating thing. Yeah, I can see it. Can i can you see it yeah why don't you like that it's very is sweet isn't it it's very sweet it's not off it's i don't it's got a horrible aftertaste i don't like which smells like burnt rice or something or something awful roasted about it

not very strong flavor altogether not really the aftert I'm detecting that, but it's not like a really strong. No, but it's kind of like, I don't know how to explain it. It's like watery with a Weetabixie aftertaste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just doesn't work for me.

No. It's not unpleasant, but it's not for me. It's not disgusting. What is that flavour I'm thinking of? It's like... I think it's something

we've had some of. It's like a molasses or something like that. Like a vanilla root, like a woody almost. Cream soda or something almost. It's sort of a woodiness. Right, let's move on to the last segment.

Oh, no, we've got two more things. Let's do this. We've got loads more, mate. So we've got some Yangchung Sassy drink. It's Sassy. Since 1952. Sassy drink. And it's Sassy, which is a family of soft drinks,

which includes... Sarsaparilla. And root beer. And Dr. Pepper is in that sort of family. Does Rube, Danyline and Burdock count? No, that's not a Sarsi. I like the smell of this. What does it smell like?

It's really aniseed-y. Aniseed-y. Root beer. Yeah. Oh, no, that's a very strong Sarsaparilla. Yeah. It's a real... Much more on the Sarsaparilla side

than the root beer side. See why I'm glad I tasted the rice one. Oh, that's really licorice-y, that smell, isn't it? I like it. Really deep, aniseed-y, licorice-y smell coming out of that. It's almost like ouzo. Oh, that's really strong, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It definitely looks like cola or root beer. It's a dark brown. Of the genus. It's a dark brown. Right. Down the hatch. Oh, I like that. And weirdly, it tastes like D like 99 and Burdock to me.

Yeah, it's quite spicy, and it's not as sweet as a root beer, isn't it? No, I like that a lot. It's quite refreshing because it's got quite a sort of unsweet finish. Do you know what I'm getting at? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or for Gannon. That's quite light tasting. It's not syrupy, you know?

No, it's got almost that kind of Coca-Cola texture where it's not too syrupy, but it's just got enough flavour to hold. And I really like it. It's less sweet than Coca-Cola. To me, it smells more, it tastes more like Dandelion and Burdock. It's got very licorice-y Dandelion and Burdock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is a sort of Dandelion. What is that flavour? There's a herbiness. Is that it? There's a sort of herby. Yeah, I know what you mean, but I couldn't tell you the herbs.

Yeah, but it's that Dandelion and Burdock are herbs. Yeah, flowers. I mean, I don't know that... They're flowers. They're herb flowers. Yeah. Herb flowers is a person. Herb flowers, Bill Tong. Bill Tong. And who was the other one?

I don't know. Lady Flapmagash. Flapmagash. You just made that up. Hello, I am Lady Flapmagash. And I want to show you my collection of glass cakes. Can I get a kiss burn from you on my knob knob? Oh, it's all wet down there.

Must be all the swimming pools I've been in. Lady Flapmagash must go. Bye. Not the best effort. Let's start again. Start the whole podcast again now, Paul. I'm Lady Flapmagash. Oh, no. Hello'm Lady Flap-ma-gash. Oh, no. Hello, Lady Flap-ma-gash.

What have you got to say for yourself? I see that your huge vagina is clapping. Right. No, that's quite good, an applauding vagina, yeah. Let's move on to some tube meat. Okay, so the last thing. What is it? You didn't

tell me what this was. This is... This looks like a toothpaste tube. It is toothpaste, and it's by Samyang. It is toothpaste. Oh, my God. It's Samyang Toothpaste Hot and Spicy Minty Toothpaste. Is that what it's called? No, this is their hot ramen brand.

Yeah. So it must be hot chicken ramen flavoured toothpaste. I presume so, yes. Oh, my God. Do you want to have a sniff of it? It's been opened so hopefully it's not been meddled with

and it's laced with fucking LSD but we'll try it because we have to trust the vent. Oh, that doesn't smell good. I think it smells

exactly what I thought it was going to smell like. It smells like toothpaste but it has a... What's that American gum? Hot ones. What's it called? You know the gum

you buy in America? Hot tamales. Yeah, hot tamales. It smells a bit like that. That's cinnamon. Yeah. There's a sort of cinnamon. Oh, this is just going to be...

Put a tiny bit on your fingertip. That's all we're going to do. I didn't bring a toothbrush just for this. Oh, it looks like tomato puree. Yep. It looks like ketchup or something. Oh, it does. Yeah, ketchup.

It's a bit more translucent. Yeah, it is. Oh, I'm starting to regret my life choices. Here we go. Dip, dap, dip. In we go. It's very toothpaste-y. It doesn't really have any...

It doesn't really have much chicken ramen flavour. It just tastes like one of those toothpaste... It's just peppermint or something. Not peppermint. It's... Yeah, it's more like a peppermint. It's like eucalyptus, isn't it? It's not minty.

It's that other sort of that eucalyptus. There's a menthol, yeah. There's a menthol coldness, like, isn't there? Yeah. A chillingness. Oh. It's just... It's toothpaste. Toothpaste? It's red. It's a menthol, yeah. There's a menthol coldness, like, isn't there? Yeah. A chillingness. Oh. It's just toothpaste. Toothpaste?

It's red. It's a gimmick. They're doing that. They've been so popular, those chicken ramen noodles. Now, what they should do is make chicken ramen sangyang sex lube, just rubbing all that hot fucking lube all over my member.

I mean, you could use that as sex lube, couldn't you? That would chill your knob, and it'd give it a nice numbness, which would probably keep you going for longer. Yeah, but to the point where I can't feel it and my legs and I'm just fucking the bed springs. You're fucking the bed springs? Yeah, because I can't feel what I'm fucking.

You mean you're breaking the bed springs? Are you actually fucking a spring? She's gone off to look at a book or something. Oh, has she? I'm just like, I don't know what I'm doing. I can't get no feeling. In my case, she's not here in the first place. It's just me spooning on hot toothpaste on my knob

and it goes all numb and then I'm there hours later. I can't feel my knob. I can't feel my knob. My knob is very hot and I can't feel my knob. It's cold. It's cold. I can't feel my knob. Oh, I haven't come and I'm not going to ever.

I have not come. My knob. My knob. Is this from your new musical Stingy Todger the demon fapper of Fleet Street fapper yeah

I don't think I thought you had to have a clit to fap you know what let's just I'm still I was still mulling over the G-spot discussion

from last week what that's real well no I've got my fingers we're moving on we don't know enough about women's anatomy

as we are both very aware well you know they can be very oversized and clap. Clap like a pair of hands. I'm Lady Flapmagash. What a great segment. Thank you, Lady Flapmagash.

I've got fucking chicken ramen toothpaste on my fingertip. And that's how we're ending this segment. You know what? Because we're recording this on Valentine's Day, let's find the love in the noodle, shall we? I do love noodles. Yeah, how much? Noodles can't give me physical completion.

Water can! I suppose if you had a big enough noodle and it was very watery, it might have a similar... What if you had a bath of, like, noodle? If I had, like, a big swimming pool full of noodles... And there was a wave machine. It'd probably have a similar effect. A lappin' and a slappin' of, like, noodle. If I had, like, a big swimming pool full of noodles. And there was a wave machine. A wave machine.

It'd probably have a similar effect. A lapping and a slapping at your groin. Yes. But it is Valentine's Day today, Paul. It is. And I'm quite lonely. And I was wondering. I was wondering if.

I could toss you off. No, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that. Lady Flapmagash over there. Yeah. She's not bad, actually. Oh, yeah, I like this. I like it now.

She likes me, does she? Can you? I'll ask her. Excuse me. Yeah, oh, yeah. What do you want? Just a friend over there likes you. Don't make it too obvious.

Don't make it too obvious. I know someone who likes you, and I just wondered if you like them. Oh, who is it? I'm just going to go out. I'll go over here. So, you know my mate I do the podcast with, Eli? Oh, yeah. He's nice. Yeah, he's nice, isn't he?

He's a bit lonely. I mean, sorry, he's taking a fancy to you. Why does he do that then? Why? Are you excited? Paul, Paul! I can't stop her! Paul, she's foaming!

I've got a glimpse of her G-spot there. You see it rise up. It's fucking mountainous. It's a well lumpy G-spot there. You see it rise up. It's fucking mountainous. It's a well lumpy G-spot. How does Pizza Express sound tomorrow night? Oh, I like that. Great. All right.

See you then. Off she goes. Thanks, Paul. No, thank you. It's how the day goes on. Okay. You know, do you like blind date?

It's not blind. I've got more than an eyeful there. Right. Noodles. It's noodle time. I've been noticing, Paul. Yeah. Go on.

Sorry, I need to compose myself. Sorry. You really do. Yeah, go on, mate. You had a little moment. What an absolutely brilliant new character I've discovered. I like her.

Wow. I like her a lot. Lovely. Now, noodles these days. Come on. Look, we need to. Lovely. Now, noodles these days. Come on. Look, we need to be serious for the core listenership here. Yeah. All right?

Yeah. Yeah, we do. Okay. Go on. The noodle listenership is the hardcore of this podcast. Yeah. Go on. Sorry.

I just need to compose myself. Sorry. I've been noticing. I've been noticing, right? There's a lot of new noodles on the market. On the scene, yeah. Especially the pot variety. Yes.

Now, recently we did receive a care package with their fifth Nissan, the originators of the cup noodle. Yes. With their recreation of the original flavours. And I have gone through all of those now. And you are happy with them? Those were, in my view, the best tasting pot noodle thing I've ever had.

Ever had in my life. It's the way they can dehydrate food. Like they dehydrate prawns. They'll dehydrate a potato. That's hard to do, Paul. And they've mastered it, the people at Nissin. Okay? Yeah.

So those were delicious. And I've recently also um dipped my toe into the world of the modern nissen gotta be careful where you dip your toe mate because then you submerge to your knees and then you're wasting and then it's and then i'm getting wanked off by a wave thank you i think we should put that beside us and then behind us you know move it aside yeah no i understand i don't want to make waves with this uh yeah yeah so i've also tasted contemporary cup noodles water load of rubbish i don't care about you shut up i'll just do the podcast in my head. No, shut up. Now, noodles, right? Yeah.

I've also tasted more contemporary cup noodles by Nissan, which are also very good. I had a pepper crab flavour. I had their shrimp flavour. The pepper crab. Yeah. Very good. Spicy.

And also, again, it's the dehydrated vegetables and meat that they really excel on. Right. Now, there's a company called Kabuti Noodles, which we tasted, which is a horrible orientalist, you know, you'll be a samurai and do meditation and trying to use all those tropes, which is basically racist. So I avoided those.

However, there is one Nissan product in the three cup. We'll be tasting three cup noodles. It's a trilogy of noodles today. One of these is a Nissan cup noodle, but it's a soba, which is a cup noodle, but it isn't Soba which is a it is a cup noodle but it isn't a soup based noodle. You have to drain it out don't you?

Yes. And it's got these little drainy holes on the top. I love that, yeah. They're the kind of prominent ones you see in like Tesco,

Sainsbury's, isn't it? A lot of people have got in touch with me over the years, Paul and said, what do you think of these? And I've tried the ones that aren't in a cup

and didn't care for them very much but I'm willing to give this another go. These are the cup noodle Soba wok style it says. Which means it's a wok style. It's a stir. Yeah. I didn't care for them very much, but I'm willing to give this another go. These are the cup noodles sober wok style, it says. Which means it's a wok style. It's a stir fried style noodle,

but in a pot. Right. And it has a little mesh on the rim of the lid to drain out the water. Yeah. What a lovely piece of design. Now pot noodles,

that's what's known in this country, isn't it? Yeah. Pot noodles are, you know, the British established brand.

Brand, yes. Going since the 70s. And as far as I'm concerned, there's only one that's really worth it. Chicken mushroom. Chicken mushroom one. It's a weird kind of comfort food, that. And I like to do lots of bread dippings afterwards. It's nice.

The chicken mushroom one is a nice noodle. For what it is. But also, I find they're inconsistent in the way they cook. So sometimes the little bits of sweet corn will rehydrate yeah well sometimes sometimes they don't and it doesn't seem to make any difference what how hot you know what i mean you try and follow the and that's another thing that nissan has got down it's always perfect every time with all the veggies rehydrated all the fucking shrimps have rehydrated everything's rehydrated rehydrated even little bits of potato and think how hard that would be fucking pot noodle

wouldn't even try having a dehydrated potato product. Not in this day and age. Which they would need to. I'll be surprised if there is one on this. Because this Pot Noodle that we're trying today is part of their new Fusions range. What does that mean? They're constantly trying to innovate, aren't they, Pot Noodles? Well, they're constantly trying new stuff, aren't they?

They're constantly putting new flavours in. Yeah. And that is the noodle market worldwide is like that. But they're competing basically just to this stuff, aren't they? They're constantly putting new flavours in. Yeah. And that is the noodle market worldwide is like that. But they're competing basically just to this country, aren't they? They're kind of saying, well, people are moving over to these kind of things, so we need to keep that market with us. Yes. So we're going to do that through our pot noodle style-y.

And look, they've got a very sort of Asian, again, a sort of Asian trope. They have a sort of tiger. Faux Asian, isn't it? Yeah, faux Asian tiger. But it's not as insulting, I don't think, as the Kabuti ones, which literally like,

oh, you must meditate and you know what I mean? Yeah, all that shit. All that. I don't think they've gone for that with the pot noodle. Let's see what the copy is on this. No, they're usually too busy

calling people slags. It just says simply travel the world in four minutes. So it's just saying here's a taste of another part of the world. That's acceptable, isn't it?

Yeah. It's less racist. It's escapism. Yeah, that's fine. What's a taste of another part of the world. That's acceptable, isn't it? Yeah. It's less racist. It's escapism. Yeah, that's fine. What's the flavour of that then? This one is a katsu curry. Oh, nice. Japanese dish.

Popular at Wagamama's, isn't it? Yeah, I do like the katsu curry. Chicken katsu curry. When I spoil myself. So Japanese curry obviously came from India originally. So many of these famous Japanese foods were originally somewhere else. Even their famous ramen was originally from China and sushi

do you know oh yeah this is Japanese curry as well you didn't mention the flavour but the soba is Japanese curry okay so we'll have

a direct comparison we've got two curries yeah that's nice that's nice yeah so the soba is Japanese curry flavour and this is essentially

Japanese curry flavour as well the pot noodle that was their gimmick the different sachets because what did you get with the chicken and mushroom a soy sauce

that was good and then your ketchup with the beef and mushroom? A soy sauce. A soy sauce. That was good. And then your ketchup with the beef and tomato. I like that. Seems a bit overkill. Well, the third and final curry today is what? It's not curry. We're tasting pot noodles. Oh, yeah.

What's the last? Or cup noodles. I don't like this one you're going to do. No, I don't either. And that is why I picked it up. Because I was interested to see that they're trying to move into this market. This is an itsu. You may have seen their chain restaurants.

It was an itsu, bitsu, teeny weeny, yellow evil, noodle country. And they ate it and it was watery. Now, their whole thing is sort of wellness. They're going for like a health. Should have thought a bit more about that. Yes, you should have. They're going for a kind of wellness thing, aren't they? Yeah.

So you go into their restaurants and they'll have like black and white aspirational photos of slim, beautiful people. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? All eating rice noodles. Even though it's sort of like, it may be a sort of a Far East sort of...

I think I just don't like rice noodle. There's something about it which is... No, I hate the brand. I hate itsu. That's what I wanted to talk about, Paul. I hate itsu because of those reasons. It very aspirational trying to say oh it's all healthy and i've been to their restaurants and i've tried quite a few of their things and their noodles and stuff very bland very bland food under watery yes yeah it's under seasoned and they kind of get away

with that because you think oh this is doing me some good you know what i mean this is healthy so i'll i'll sacrifice any fucking flavor do you know what i mean and also it's it's trying to again sell itself by being so all right by being from from asia yeah but then it's sort of it's it's it's scaling it all down it's trying to you know it's trying to be the best and i say what do you want from that to for it to win you over this is a tonkotsu flavour which again is the famous ramen pork broth ramen

from Japan yeah but what do you actually all three of these are of a Japanese flavour type food which is good

but what I'm saying is compared to the ones we've had in the past because we have done it to before what are you wanting from that for it to impress you

I would like a broth that tastes porky like a good tonkotsu broth yeah why are you. I would like a broth that tastes porky, like a good Tonkatsu broth. Yeah, why are you laughing? I just felt... Porky broth. Is that what got you going? Yeah.

It's in your character. It doesn't take much, does it, man? No. It does not take much. Basically, if someone says the word pork near the word broth too much to me, I'm just going to... It's broth.

It's that word broth. Hello, I'm Porky Broth. Oh, fuck off. Right. Oh, what he just said. No, I don't want you Porky Broth, leave. Oh.

Leave. I'm Porky Broth. No, you've got nothing. You leave. I've got Porky Broth. Don't be coming round here. There's a fucking waiting list. Yeah.

Porky Broth. He's off. Porky Broth's off. Yeah. He's off. Broth off. Porky broth. He's off. Porky broth's off. Yeah. Broth off. Porky broth's broth off. Porky broth has plodded off.

Yeah. Okay. Now. Careful he doesn't spank off. He's gone. No, you've... No, no. Right.

I hate it too. Yeah. I hate the whole brand. Yeah. And I've been horribly disappointed by their.... Yeah. I hate the whole brand. Yeah. And I've been horribly disappointed by their... All... Anything I've tried to eat from there. Yeah, you're just not being impressed. So I would be interested to see.

They're obviously trying to get into the pot noodle market. Yeah. But it's like, how can you try and claim this is healthy? It's not a healthy food, a pot noodle. It's easy, convenient. No, they're convenient and relatively cheap. Yes. And they're not super unhealthy.

Some of them are more salty than others or whatever. Yeah. Now, is this a vegan? It says with a rich soy broth. I don't know. Can you look at the... Usually there's a V on it or something, isn't there? It's gluten-free.

Yeah. 199 calories. So they're not wheat noodles. What noodles are they? Rice noodles. Rice noodles. What does it say? It doesn't say... It's not vegan,. What does it say? It doesn't say...

It's not vegan, so it's proper pork. It doesn't say it's vegetarian either, though. So it must be, you know... It must be meaty. Oh, hang on. Stop. Suitable for vegans,

low in fat, low in sugar. So it's pretend pork flavour. Right. Shall we just get the kettle on, then? That's going to be pretend pork flavour. Yeah. It's not going to be good, is it? No.

Right. Now, let's just check the... No, that's it. We've done it. We've broken it down. No, I'm just saying. Yes, let's get the kettle... We're going to be good, is it? No. Right, now let's just check the... No, that's it. We've done it. We've broken it down. No, I'm just saying. Yes, let's get the kettle. We're going to go to the kitchen now.

I know, but I'm just saying, let's check the preparation instructions on each of these fucking noodles. No, because we've done this before many times on the podcast. It's redundant now. The pot noodle, you just pour water into the level and let it soak. The soba, the same,

but then you drain it out with the lid. And then itsu, pour it to the level, hot water, and then stir it. Oh, you're giving me anxiety. Job done. We don't need to go over old ground. Hardcore listeners know how you make a fucking cup noodle. We know what the process is. Let's just get it down our belly holes.

Get some forks, please. Let's go and get some forks. And put the kettle on. And porky broth. No. Fuck off. What have you got, Porky Broth? Do you work for Trashta?

But honestly, I got nothing. You got no clothes on either. Your naked character name, walking in a pit of despair. Oh, he wanks off. I know, I've just found out what I like. What do you like? Being abused. Verbally. Verbally.

You like being verbally abused? It gets me hard no I'm a bad character you're a very bad character what a great character no I'll see you tomorrow I don't know what the pop was

you didn't fucking stop the fucking thing. Right, we're back. We're back. We have two katsu curry and one... Tonkotsu. Vegan tonkotsu, which is an oxymoron. Don't call me that. Hey! Seriously, mate. I still got it. You an oxymoron. Don't call me that. Hey! Seriously, mate.

I still got it. You don't got it. You don't never got it. I still got it. You don't ever had it. Never had it. Never got it. Never want it.

Don't need it. Got it. Don't got it. Got it. I got it so much. I got it so much. Now, what do you want to start with? Should we compare the two katsus first?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's start with what we think is going to be the lesser of the two Katsus. Simply because it's a British product. And Nissin is a Japanese product. Yes. Now, we'll do one at a time. Otherwise, we're not getting confused.

So let's start with the cup noodle Nissin. No, let's start with the pot noodle. Oh, really? Yes. The pot noodle fusions Katsu curry flavor. You want to start with that? Yes. Okay.

Water was added. The mango sauce sachet was added. It had a little mango sauce sachet in it it's quite a nice little treat but different they like that's their gimmick isn't it pot noodles to have a different sauce sachet for each of their flavors the thing is it's weird it's like it's the noodle equivalent of the salt and shake crisps it is isn't it yeah the joy is but they've taken something that is a legitimate part of instant noodle culture the sachet and they kind of gimmicked it up, haven't they? Because it's not something that Brits are into, the whole sachet thing. Well, sachet over here and give me a taste.

Now, I'm going to smell this. I'm going to smell this. It's weak. More of a chip shop curry. It has got that chip shop curry thing. I was going to say because I had a sniff before. Then a katsu. Do you know what I mean?

Because what's katsu? It's a bit more kind of spicy. I don't know. It's very fruity. Yeah, the fruity, that's it. That's why they're trying to get the mango in. It's a fruity and it- Oh, you think the mango has been added to offset the weakness of the actual sauce?

But it's just a very weak, like I say, chip shop curry sort of smell. And there's nothing wrong with chip shop curry sauce. No, I love it. Oh, Paul. What? Irish chip shop curry. Oh. Apparently it's different. Oh, Paul. What? Irish chip shop curry. Oh. Apparently it's different.

Yeah, someone mentioned it on Twitter to us, didn't they? Amazing. We have to taste that. Well, if we can get it. Because it's different than like Northern England chip shop curry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a different thing altogether, isn't it? And I want to know.

Apparently people rave about it. That is something we should do on this show. We will, whenever we go to Ireland. Now, let's have a taste. So we're going to try the Pot Noodle Fusion Katsu Curry Flavour Noodle. Now, it's the same consistency as a usual pot noodle, isn't it?

It's just very much the standard pot noodle. Thick, gloopy goodness. With the corn flour. Yeah. Yeah, and just give it a little stir. Give it a little stir. It's all been sitting

for the appropriate time, so these should all be ready to eat right now. And he's going in for it. Seems reasonably unimpressed. I'll have a go while you tell them what you're thinking.

That's incredibly bland tasting. It's got no power at all. It's not salty. It's got no sort of flavour. You're right. It's weirdly bland. It's like it's got all the flavours, but none of them. Nothing finishes.

No flavour finishes off. Do you know what I'm saying? I hate it when I'm not finished off. No, but do you know what I mean? There's a little bit of sort of sweetness at the top. This curry's so mild. Did we put too much water in or something? No, I don't finished off. No, but do you know what I mean? There's a little bit of sort of sweetness at the top. There's curry so mild. Did we put too much water in or something? No, I don't think so.

That is so milquetoast. I think even by the standards of how watery that is, I think it would still remain that it's not the strongest katsu flavour I've ever had. I mean, it's not unpleasant. No, I could easily finish that off. I would. If I was going to eat that, I would put a bunch of soy in it. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Soy would probably do something to it to just give it a bit more bland isn't it it's a bit bland but but fine yeah for pot noodle standards okay there's a curry flavor there it's okay for pot noodle enthusiasts it's effectively a fucking roller coaster ride for them it's not off-puttingly bad but it's just it's not yeah that's the thing it's not like they've got it wrong and it's bad it's more like they've got it right but it's weak there's little bits of dehydrated carrot it right, but it's weak. There's little bits of dehydrated carrot in there. There's a bit of texture. There's a bit of texture in there.

Okay, great. Let's move on to the, listen, sober, sober, sober, which is a wok style.

Yes. It's their stir fried noodle. Sober, delicious. Sober noodles are delicious. I love it. Yeah. So this is their wok fried style,

but this has nothing dehydrated. No, it is just the sauce and noodle. Yeah. So what we've done is we've put the sauce in to cook to put the water in to cook the noodle yeah drained it in the ingenious draining lid yeah and then you put the sachet of katsu curry sauce on and give it a mix it's all very much last minute preparation this is much the huff on this is much uh robust much more robust but also more complex, more deep.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's a different type of noodle as well, isn't it? Smell this before I taste it, Paul. Just tell me. Pot noodles are kind of wide, thick, noodley noodles. This is very kind of thin. I'd describe it as a wonton noodle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's much more complex. Isn't it? It's got that sort of five spicy, the aniseed-y, the fruitiness. But, you know,

it all comes down to the taste at the end of the day. I mean, even that smelt alright. And it just looks very much like what it purports to be.

Yeah. The colouring of the noodle is very much like a soba. Nice yellowy brown. Here it goes. He's chewing it and he's doing it for you, the podcast listener

of the Cheap Show podcast. Oh, man. He's already in agreement with himself. That's just so so much better i'll be the judge of that well just just i defy you to say you you don't prefer that yeah easily better it's just much better that that's tasty it's it's lighter yeah but the flavors are there and it lingers on the palate which that doesn't and that have you

noticed the noodles also have a sort of pliancy to them softness like straw yeah but not too soft sort of like you know a little bit of bite the texture's much better and the flavour's much better and it's just a much better thing it's a real sort of

technical brilliance about how they deliver that it's a simple thing but it's effective and it's tasty as fuck okay yeah how much was that by the way how much was the

these are all in the sort of £1, £52 range. Okay, so a bit more expensive than just getting a kind of dry pack. Yes, definitely. I guess you would always choose a... The most expensive was the itsy, of course. Oh, of course. But, Nissen, you get what you pay for.

They are... Oh, fuck me. What, have you smelt it? I think we might have put a bit too much water in if I have to jump in its defence somewhat before we get stuck in. Well, it's meant to be broth. It is a soup noodle. It is meant to be broth there.

Does it have no smell? There's nothing going on. There is that smell. Yeah, but it's like a grassy smell. I'm getting like... Yeah. Vegetable notes. To be fair, Paul,

we did start with the curry, which has got a stronger smell than tonkatsu in the wild. I was going to suggest we started with that. I think we maybe should have. We've been spoiled by Nissen now,

palate wise. What I'm going to do with this itsu is I'm going to taste some of the broth. I'm going to sip some of the broth. Have some broth.

No, that's fine. Just a little sip. I'm just going to go straight in for the noodle because I'm not playing around with itsu. That's not too bad, the broth.

It hasn't got a great deal of flavour, like I expected. It's just salty, isn't it? There's nothing there. There's nothing there for me. There's nothing there. I wouldn't even say that.

If you just put that and said, eat that. What flavour is it? Tonkotsu would be so far down the list of my answers. You've had Tonkotsu. Real Tonkotsu, yeah. For instance, we had the Nissin one with the anniversary pack. And that was fucking delicious. That was delicious, yes.

We had to fight over who ate the rest of that. Yeah, it was delicious. And also, of course, the famous noodle on this show Is the flat pack Nissen tonkotsu with the black garlic oil pack And you've tasted that I've bought that myself With my own money in my own time

Not even podcast time That's an actual pool noodle It's tasty as fuck That's a downtime noodle for me It's not awful, but I can't imagine A, enjoying it, B, feeling the

benefit, or C, ever wanting to try it again. I can detect a little bit of sort of sesame oil flavour in that. Yeah, again, it's there, but again, it's

so weak and watery, and again, there's nothing that lingers on the palate. And they're just very standard flat rice noodles, you know.

Yeah. A bit tasteless. It's not great. So let's rank them top to bottom. What is your best? It has, I know it's a cliche for us.

Yeah. But it's easily the Nissen Cup Noodle Soba. They keep on knocking it out of the park, mate. It's more, and it's so simple and with the ingenious fun.

I had fun spraying the water out the lid, mate. I had fun. It comes out like all lines of it. Yeah. Like a water thing spraying the water out the lid, mate. I had fun. Comes out like all lines of it. Yeah. Like a water thing.

It's like the fucking it's like a Vegas casino's like fountain display. Oh yeah, Caesar's Palace. And then number two. Just with the texture and the way that the the sauce coats

the noodles perfectly. And it's quite light still. It doesn't feel heavy because like the other pot noodle thing is going to be a heavier snack. In number two, I'd have to put the itsu, actually. Really?

I think I'd enjoy that more. Well, I'm going to disagree. Then I'm going to say my favorite was, I'm going to agree with you, the Nissen. Easy, no doubt about it. Then I'd go with pot noodle because I'm just getting more out of it. I might not finish it because it's quite heavy, but there's flavor there. I like to dip it for my bread. I mean, I'm just saying that

because I put these basically on a very similar level, the itsu and the pot noodle. I wouldn't. I would say itsu should know better because pot noodle's fucking pot noodle. It's like asking your dad's mum to scrub up better.

Itsu is pretending harder, isn't it? Itsu is lying more, isn't it? The Fusions is saying, look, it's a fucking pot noodle. What do want yeah just eat this fucking nice absolute whatever yeah and it's who's like i say this is going to be the better snack for you 199 calories it's all about like oh it's nice it's fine but i think you're sacrificing just enjoyment of your food very bland the it's a very very bland and yet you rank it second. Can I take that back? Of course you can take it back. In terms of pure flavour,

I think I would rank it second. Yeah, mouthfeel, satisfaction, palate, aftertaste. I would put it second, just. But it loses points for being pretentious and overblown and lying. It's like you can stick a little black look-good-look cat on the front, but that don't mean it tastes...

It's gimmicky. Yeah. It's gimmicky, but the... There's an honesty to pot a little black good look cat on the front but that don't mean it tastes... It's gimmicky. Yeah. It's gimmicky but the... There's an honesty to pot noodles. There is an honesty to pot noodles. It's like we're just fucking about. You might like it. Don't worry.

It's only cheap food. We're doing Sloppy Joe's top pot noodle. But that's why it's the dishonesty of the itsu trying to say oh this is like a healthy pot noodle but cup noodles

aren't about healthy as I've mentioned before. It's about having something convenient and hot and quick that you can just enjoy. That ain't me name It's about having something convenient and hot and quick that you can just enjoy. That ain't me name. No.

I'm convenient and hot. Oh, can you? Doesn't she have a home to go to? I mean, you haven't thought about that. Yeah, go home now. Please go home, lady. I have a big house. You have a big house inside you as well.

What's that you said? You've got a huge vagina. How dare you? Oh, that's it. Do you still want to come to you say? You've got a huge vagina. How dare you? Oh. Oh, that's it. Do you still want to come to Pizza Express? No, that's it now. I'm off now.

Oh, no. I can't believe you said that. All right. I've never been so insulted. Smoky broth. Oh, no. Smoky broth. No, don't.

No. Oh, yeah. Oh, don't do this to me. Do you want to come out with me to a pizza express right now? Can't at least go to a different restaurant, guys? Oh, that sounds like fun, though. That's not Porky Brock's voice. Let's go fuck off.

They're off now. They're off. Bye. I'll have to be applauding them, you dirty bastard. And that's all we've got time for on cheap show this week eli's digging into the sober and i'm gonna let him while i tell about a little bit of the admin so the admin is this our website if you want stop shop for everything you need to know about cheap show it is thecheapshow.co.uk there are links there to our patreon, to videos, to every single episode with videos and pictures

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that allows us to carry on doing thank you Thank you very much, patrons. Thank you very much. And listeners. What else? Yeah, we're on Instagram, we're on Facebook, look for Cheap Show, but also Twitter is where we're most chatty. I'm at PaulGannonShow,

it's at the Cheap Show pod, and Eli's Twitter account is... Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And that's all we've got time for this week on the show. We hope you've enjoyed it. If you have, why don't leave a review on Apple or whatever the fuck.

I don't care. But it helps us somehow, apparently. And, you know, don't leave a weird review. They can leave whatever review they want. That's the whole fucking point. But they leave a one-star review, but then go and talk about it like they like it. Reads like a three, you mean. Yeah, it's the Edinburgh theory, isn't it?

Edinburgh review theory. It's a one-star, but it reads like a three. And that's what the Edinburgh theory, isn't it? Edinburgh Review Theory. It's a one-store, but it reads like a three. And that's what I'm going to tell people. Are we finishing now? And that's what I'm

going to tell people on my balls. Yeah, let's finish this. You've got nothing. I've got nothing. Bye everyone. Is there anything?

Oh no, the live show. I'm organising it. It's happening. We don't have a date yet. No, but I'm thinking end of

July, beginning of August. That's the golden. It'll be a Saturday around that time. I'm waiting to hear back. From Harrow Art Centre. Do they know Harrow Art Centre? Harrow Art Centre is where it's going to be, hopefully, as well,

where we've done Digitiser with Mr Biffo before. Oh, yeah. And there have been two fantastic shows there, and we think we've got quite a good idea of what we're going to do this year. Oh, great stuff. It's going to be off the hook, I believe they say. It's going to be totally the hook, I believe they say. It's going to be totally... Dangling.

Dangling. So keep that in mind if you'd like to come. By the way, patrons will get discounts and early access to tickets. Okay, cool. So that helps them, doesn't it?

I've got a bit of a repeat from the kiss burn. Do you want to go and ruin my toilet again like you did two minutes ago? I didn't ruin it. Oh, right. It's now going to bum shame me.

Right at the end, all this shit waft came in. He didn't know. Look, he's come awake right at the end of the pod to fucking bum shame me. Look, governor. It's the shit wafer coming in. Oh, the shit wafer. Here comes the shit wafer.

Murderer. No, shut up. Turn it off. No, I just want people to know you ruined my toilet. I did not. It will go. I'm afraid to go in there now. Smells pass.

Yeah? All smells must toilet. I did not. It will go. I'm afraid to go in there now. Smells pass. Yeah? All smells must pass. But yours linger. See you next week. Bye, everyone.