CheapShow - Ep 27: Con Men & Niffy Winkies

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

The Con is On with another episode of CheapShow ​ Paul & Eli are joined by guest Damien St John who is thrown head first into the wild world of CheapShow as the cheap chaps tackle cheats, scams, hustles and cons in a bid to get rich with as little effort as possible! ​ Discover how Eli's career was ruined with tepid piss. Find out how to flog The Eiffel Tower. Learn how to outwit some of the more common rip off scams you may come across in your day to day existence and listen in embarrassment as Paul turns magician/grifter all on a budget of £2! ​ It's more economy comedy podcast larks.. You have been warned! Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid And guest Damien St John @damienstjohn If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher, iTunes or most good podcast apps and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Coming direct from our sunny Soton studio, my name's Eli Silverman, you're listening to Cheap Show, and here's my co-host, Paul Niffy Winky Gannon! What do you mean, Niffy Winky? I just thought you'd be good with a middle name, sort of, you know. DJ Niffy Winky? Niffy. Niffy Winky Gannon What do you mean Niffy Winky I just thought you'd be good With a middle name Sort of DJ Niffy Winky Niffy

Niffy As in Smells bad No I know what that meant Yeah Right so Welcome to Cheap Show

Hello Hello And we have a guest Today And I'll tell you why I have this guest Because we record In the studios

At Cellador In Southampton I don't think they know, but we do. And this is going to be the last time we record here. I'm genuinely a bit crestfallen. And one of the guys I met working at Cellador has become a good friend. But he can't be here right now. But he can't be here right now.

And so I've asked Damien St John to step in. Oh, yeah, hi. Hello. I'm just here to make sure you evacuate and leave the building when this is done. That is right. right now but he can't be here right now and so i've asked damien st john to step in hello i'm just here to make sure you evacuate and leave the building when this is done that is right you can never come back don't blame them i don't i'm surprised my past got me in all those weekends your name will no longer be on the wall no we will take your mug and smash it out in the car park when you leave you will be dead to us the only more guy have is sitting right next to you right

now and if you want to smash him, you're more than welcome to, Mr Damien. Oh, wow. Is this what it's like for like an hour? Basically, yes. Insults. Paul calls me a tramp, calls me smelly, and then I come up with something extremely witty that just wins. Usually referring to the fact that I look like a geography teacher slash

paedophile. You look like a paedophile. Hang on, why is there a slash in there? Because it's a job that has many alternatives. You're a geography teacher, but you're not a paedophile? No, I've never met those. You could do both those things at once. I mean, a lot of paedophiles have other jobs. Do they?

Yeah. Do they? Yeah. It's not just like occupation paedophile. Do you have any other source of income? No. No. It's all right, mate.

That would be difficult, yeah. So anyway, because it's our last time here, and as a result of it being our last time here and things are changing, there might be a slight hiatus between this episode and the next Cheap Show. So please, please, dear listener. Yeah. Yeah, there's hopefully more than one.

Stick with us. There'll be more episodes coming up as soon as possible. Yes. And we might even have one special on the go if we can sort out the recording time, kind of on the field investigation. Cheap Show on location. Yes, and we might even have one special on the go if we can sort out the recording time. Kind of on-the-field investigation. Cheap show on location. Oh, I like that. Anyway, the point is...

Has this podcast got any content whatsoever? No, not at all. It does. There's plenty of content. Just around the corner. Anyway, the point is, Damien St John is a DJ here at Cellador. We thought we'd invite him in

to our final cheap show in this location before we make the horrible mistake of moving location and losing the soul of what made this show real. We're not going to lose the soul. No, we're not. This is just changing. It's an ever-evolving...

Like a butterfly. Like a mutating lizard. It's an ever-changing... We had the live shows. Hopefully we'll go back there. We're going to be doing some live. We've got the drama-based shows, a little playlist.

A little playlist. We like those. We're a media empire. We are. The question is, will future Cheap Show work? Will future Paul and future Eli work without having the eye contact? If you're not getting together. Well, we'll get together.

Because you do gaze into each other's eyes quite a bit. We have to, so I can see when he's lying to me. Just get on with it. So anyway, welcome to the... That's my bit now. Shut up, it's been ten minutes. Welcome to the Economy Comedy Podcast. Cheap Show, where we look through the very worst of the world

to deliver the very best into your ear holes. So, with that in mind, right? Yeah. I asked the internet, because Eli's become a bit of a star, David. Did you know this? I've heard several Eli stories. Not those stories. We can't talk about those.

I haven't told you those stories. It's all right. I didn't tell you that. I have nothing to hide. Yeah, well oh you do Apart from some stuff I did as a child Right

What happens next Come on Moving on What happens next I forgot my point Oh yeah So he's become a big celebrity Because he decided

To talk about noodles On YouTube And that set the internet Alight So obviously There are people out there Who want a bit of Eli goodness

Yes Right So I asked Twitter Hey Eli's an expert Why don't you hashtag ask Eli, and we'll get Eli to reply to those comments. And you got

two. I got two. Okay, good. Better than one. It's much better than one. So let me go to the first one I have here. Oh, that's someone telling you that they fancy you. What's that? Go back to that. That's from a bloke. I mean, I'm not saying... A geography teacher. Yeah. Is it a good-looking bloke? From Swind that. That's from a bloke. I mean, I'm not saying... A geography teacher.

Yeah. Is it a good-looking bloke? From Swindon. I don't know. His avatar looks like a death metal album cover. Tell me more. Have you heard... I overheard someone say Twitter's stopping.

Stopping what? From existing? Stopping being Twitter, yeah. How? They turn off the button on the server or something. You mean they're turning it off? It's not like someone's decided to stop using Twitter. Yeah, no.

I overheard that 2017 they're going to... Quit Twitter. Twitter's going to be... Anyway. Give me the question. All right. Okay. So, okay.

First one is from Dr. Dagless. He's a follower of ours. Dagless. Dagless. Or are you just saying Douglas in Australian? Dr. Dagless. Dr. Carl. Dr. Carl.

Flying doctors. Dagless. Dagless. Dagless. He might be Australian. We just Daglass. Dr. Carl. Dr. Carl. Flying doctors. Daglass. Daglass. Daglass. He might be Australian. We just don't know. He says... I've got a drunk,

I'll damn me well. It's hurt, it's poor. Daglass. What the... I'm just playing. I'm playing here. You just seem to be

having a senior moment, that's all. Right, so he asks this question. I have reason to believe that my elderly mother is possessed by malevolent spirit of bob wholeness please help what you need to do yeah this is going to be good what you need to do is you get her under some kind of false pretext to be in a dark room okay so i don't know you could sneak in while she's asleep or something

like that but you need to draw the draw the wholeness out by playing baker street by jerry rafferty is that how it does yeah that's i did not know that which we all know but wellness didn't play saxophone that's an urban leg end what you do is you play that at full volume yeah and then you smother yourself in baked beans right is this you riffing? I'm not riffing. This is science. Okay. You smother yourself in baked beans. Yeah. And then you scream, Out! Wholeness!

Out! Wholeness! I will not give you a pee! Or something like that. Right. And then hopefully your wholeness spirit problem will be dealt with. Do that a couple of times. Perhaps change the beans up. Get some barbecue.

If baked beans don't work, maybe kidney? Barbecue flavour. Branston beans. Branston beans? Are they more holistic? They are more spiritual. Are they more spiritual? But the beans isn't the important thing. It's Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street. Right. That is the important thing. You're right. I'm missing...

It will drive the wholeness spirit crazy. Because he'll think, I'm so angry. The way it works is he's angry that people thought he played the sax solo on that record when he didn't. And no one remembers him for his work as being the first James Bond. He wasn't the first James Bond, though. He was an early James Bond. He was one on the radio, yeah.

We all know Roger Moore was the first Bond. No. Fact. No, he wasn't. Because he was the first proper Bond. Because none of the others until that point did kung fu or could carry off a cardigan. And we know that is what Bond really does.

If you've read Ian Fleming's early work, you'll know. There's a very famous passage in, I think it's Live and Let Die, where Fleming writes succinctly, Bond walks in wearing a khaki safari suit, smoking some Rothmans and going, Eel, darling. Which I believe is canon.

There's a great passage in one. I'm reading some of the short stories, you know, like Quantum of Solitude. Yeah, or the small one. There's a great one where he's in a forest with a woman and she's acting hysterically. And actually in the book, he slaps around the face and goes,

Shut up, you bitch. And that's him being subtle. And that is, it's in the book. It's in the book. So when Timothy Dalton came on and was like, you know, And that's him being subtle. And that is, it's in the book. It's in the book. So when Timothy Dalton came on and was like, you know, really sort of straight-laced, they were like, this is not Bond. But Bond was actually a twat. He was.

He's a nasty killer. He's a very nasty boy. He's a nasty alcoholic killer. Is there another question for Ask Eli? There is. All right, OK, so Ginge has got a question for you. OK. Ginge says...

Hit me, Ginge. Please hit him, Ginge. If you ever see him in public, write in the bellybutts. Write in the bellybutts. I don't know what bellybutts are. I like it. Listen, Niffy Winky.

Just give me the question. All right. Ginge says, and his name is Asleepyslug on Twitter. I don't care. Your name should be your name on Twitter. All right, anyway, okay, let's get on with this. He says, with my wedding anniversary fast approaching, can I ask Eli what cheap gift idea he'd recommend?

Good question. So he doesn't say what wedding it is, whether it's paper or silver or gold or whatever. He's just... Well, there is a noodle by... Oh, you fucking don't do... Sorry. Don't do your noodle shit here.

I'm not doing noodle shit. And it comes with a grate to sift the water from. What? I'm not Jimmy Savile. Well, you don't do Jimmy Savile. Noodles, noodles, noodles. Oh, now it's about that then, Nissan. I don't know.

There's a lot of great noodles you could buy, yeah? Right. I'm trying to have another thought. Because right now you're locked into noodle. You could go get some lovely crockery in charity shops. A lovely crockery? There's a lot of what I've been noticing in charity shops is there's a lot of that smoked glass that was popular in the 70s. Okay.

You know, it's kind of smoky. Yes. Kind of grey. Yes. Translucent. Depressing. Depressing Kind of grey. Yes. Translucent. Depressing. Depressing cutlery. Yes.

And crockery. Yeah, get her some depressing cockery. So, cockery. Give her some depressing cockery. I think she's in for a lifetime with that anyway.

Sorry, Ginge, but yeah. I'm sorry, Ginge. I do apologise. No, Ginge might have great cockery. He might have a perfect piece of cockery. He might have the best

penis ever. Maybe that's what you need to give her. It's cheap, Ginge. You great cockery. He might have a perfect piece of cockery. He might have the best penis ever. Maybe that's what you need to give her. It's cheap, Ginge. You've already got one. Yeah. Give her a good shag. You only get one once a year, love. Yeah, what is it?

What anniversary is it? I don't know. He doesn't say. Oh, just give her a fucking card. What? Eli, the survivor of many failed relationships. I just gave him a fucking card. All right, are there any more questions?

Yeah, there's one. There's one. An email was sent to him. This is from an inquisitive inquirer. Ooh, it's very exciting. So, Eli. Yes. This is right in your ballpark because you're an actor, allegedly.

I have an upcoming audition where I have to play someone from long island i need a dialect coach can you please tell me how to pronounce the following sentence as in in a long island accent okay okay so the sentence is this when in long island i like to drink some coffee walk the dog and water the lawn okay now she sent me a video clip of people from long island talking okay do you want to hear that just for reference yeah is that all right yeah all right here we go when i'm out of new york they know exactly where i'm from coffee water mall talk everybody says i have a really thick long island accent i don't hear it but everybody else does okay mother coffee mall water long island people like to drink coffee shop at the, walk their dog and swim in the water.

They look at you and go, you're from New York. Long Island's are you. For a start, Long Island people sound really fucking dull. They do three things. They walk their dog, they drink coffee. Coffee. And they talk about themselves a lot. Right, so, ladies and gentlemen, giving a acting masterclass.

Just give me the sentence one time. Do you mind? I'm giving you a fucking intro here. That will sell you as an acting superstar, right? It's very unprofessional when you talk over me like that. I might leave for a bit. Ladies and gentlemen, as an actor and acting starlet, he will now pronounce this sentence. When in Long Island, I like to drink some coffee, walk the dog and water the lawn. Eli, take it away. When in Long Island, I like to drink some coffee, walk the dog and water the lawn.

Eli, take it away. When in Long Island, I like to drink some... Wait, wait. He didn't even say the L in Long Island then. So at least do it right. When in Ong Island... Do it again. When in Long Island, I like to drink some coffee,

walk the dog and drink some water. Yeah? Okay, for those that aren't watching the video feed of this, a big vein popped out on the side of his head and Eli went a bit purple because he didn't take a sentence breath at all.

Do it again. When in Long Island, I like to drink some coffee, walk the dog, walk water the lawn. When in Long Island, I like to drink some dog, walk water the coffee

and then stick a hose up my ass. You see, when you went off book, he started to clear it. I'm going to have a go. When in Long Island, I like to dwing some coiff. Dwing. Hang on. You are. You're a dwing.

Did Elmer Fudd just walk into the room? Yeah, he did. I like to dwing some coiff. Walk the dog and water the lawn. You're overplaying it there, Paul. That's how I know. Damien, your go. When I'm in Long Island, I like to dwing a coiff. You're overplaying it there, Paul. That's how I know. Damien, your go. When I'm in Long Island,

I like to dwing a coffee. See, he did it too. Walk the wife and eat the fucking dog. Hey, what's it all about? Hey. Forget about it. Forget about it. Okay, that's the end of that section then.

I think Ask Eli Will become Quite quickly Our most popular failed segment Send them in listeners We're back in the room And in this episode of Cheap Show I thought today's theme Because sometimes we like to theme our episodes Is about con men

And hustling And being on the rob And if you're Carl Alain Writing charming sitcoms about them And calling it bread And having a bunch of fucking scousers go, right there, mate.

Fucking hell, there. Glilo Lil is a fucking talk. God, I fucking hate bread. I hate it. I know. We know you hate bread.

I hate it. But listen, the woman passed away recently, okay? So have some fucking respect. Yeah, you know what I like to do?

I like to go to the news reports that said today Carla Lane died and I watch those videos naked. Yeah. That's all you like to do? I like to go to the news reports that said, today, Carla Lane died. And I watch those videos naked. Yeah? That's all you need to know. How is that different from any other day in your life? I'm not usually erect. Right, okay, good. Are we happy now? I'm

happy. My little belly trumpet gets service. Your belly trumpet? Yeah, my tummy oboe. Bloody hell. Your groinal hose pipe. Yeah Yeah My gut stick Why do you have the gut? It's not

It hides under my gut Like a Like a tunnel spider Like a fucking mole A mole with a wet nose Yeah Yeah Big whiskers

And a raincoat And eats ants What was I talking about? Your penis Endlessly Your belly truncheon whiskers and a raincoat and eat ants what was i talking about your penis endlessly your belly truncheon some say i have something to hide so when you said this episode was about con men yeah you were talking about how you managed to snare snare your fiancee yeah tales of your penis i used to say we can only make love in the dark and then when the lights went out put a hot dog in her hand did you warm this hot dog up?

Yeah, of course I boiled it. I'm not an animal. Do you remember that story about that woman who was prosecuted for getting someone to marry her because she thought she was a man? Wait. He married her. There are two women. Two women. But she was pretending to be a man.

Yes. And the other woman didn't know. Yeah. And they got married. And they got married. And there was no sexual congress there was sex

but they did it in the dark or something she pretended did she have a fake phallic yeah this might feel like a gherkin but trust me it's so much more

it's cold it smells of dill I know that's just a condition salty please don't bite down all of a sudden I want a cheeseburger yeah no but that happened

oh that did happen. Well, anyway. That is the greatest con, I think. That's pretty, yeah. Well, thank you, Damien, for getting us onto the subject of today's episode. It's con man themed. We're going to be talking about cons and hustles and rip-off merchants and things like that to start.

There is a list here on Listverse where I source all my best ripped-off material. And they go into the classic cons you still fall for. So I'm going a few titles out is this a con in itself are you conning no these are all stories these are cons that happen in real life yeah on regularly that somehow people still fall for okay all right so the first one's called melon drop do you want to know what a melon drop is well it's our first one so I'm'm going to do it. Go ahead. Oh, yes, please, Paul. Thank you. Fucking play the game, mate. Any good person who's bumped into a stranger and broke an expensive possession would, of course, offer to pay for it.

People tend to feel responsible when they break things. So that's where the melon drop scammers are counting on you to fall into that trap. The scam gets its name from cons that usually originally used melons at the time when melon prices were at a record high in Japan. So we're already aware. Oh, it's Japan, yeah. Because they've got those square watermelons. They're about 50 quid. Are they?

Yeah. How do they make square watermelons? They grow them in square containers. I guess that makes plenty of sense, actually. I thought they chiseled them, you know, got them to shape. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. They're very efficient, the Japanese.

Yeah, they've got some expensive melons in Japan. Yeah, of course. So that makes sense. Go on. Okay, the cons would bump into a Japanese tourist, drop a melon and go, you broke my melon. You broke my melon.

Oh. What? You can't do Long Island, but I can. Long Island isn't a race. True. It's just a bunch of silly people. I'd do it again. Oh, you broke my melon.

What? What's wrong with that? Okay, continue because we're recording you're not laughing but this is outside the park poor you're the funniest yeah pull your eyes back right uh the condom bump into them and the tourist would pay jacked up prices now the modern version of the scam involves putting worthless broken glass in a box walking up up to someone, bumping into them, they drop it, you shake it, oh, you brought me a box! Give us some money, let's have a look at it.

No! What did you break? I want to know what I'm paying for. Goblet! You just say it was a crystal thing or something, and you show them the broken glass. It was a crystal from the crystal maze maze and that show isn't on anymore i cannot replace it it's priceless to me all right i'll take 200 000 yeah six figures how do you fucking bumped into

you okay so that still goes on that still goes on i. I mean, it's common. Avoid people with boxes. So if you walk down the road and I bumped into you, I went, mate, my box. I'd go, I'm very sorry, but fuck you. And just leg it. Yeah, I can't afford to pay anything. If it's valuable, why would you be carrying it around in the street? Yeah, that's a very good point.

Put it in a cab. Yeah, so it's a con that can work. But, you know, I think the best cons, as I'm sure we'll go into, are ones where you exploit the Marx greed. Well, we'll get into one of those a little bit later. A little bit later on. So there's no greed. There's no greed element in that con, is there? It's just sympathy that you're trying to pity.

Sympathy. Yeah. Not as strong as greed. No. trying to pity sympathy. Yeah. Not as strong as greed. No. As a motivator. No. That's why you never reply to people saying, my granddad died and left me 800 million pounds in the world

and I want to rest it somewhere. Yeah. That's the worst Nigerian accent I've ever heard. Well, I don't want to try it, do I? Don't tempt me. We're not. I'm mulling it over. He says don't tempt me.

He means please tempt me. Yeah, I know. I'm such a bad person like that. Right, the next one's called The Ring Reward. This is quite a popular one. Oh, mulling it over. He says don't tempt me. He means please tempt me. Yeah, I know. I'm such a bad person like that. Right, the next one's called the ring reward. This is quite a popular one. I felt this one. You felt it? The ring reward.

The ring reward. It's quite hard to say. Ring reward. This scam was featured recently in the movie Zombieland. Did you see Zombieland? I did see that. I don't recall the ring reward. A pretty girl pretends to have lost her engagement ring.

She asks you if you found the ring and then leaves her info, promising a decent reward for its return. A short time later, some lucky guy goes up to you and goes, oh, I've just found this ring, mate. Do you know anyone who's lost a ring? Right? Yeah. And so the con is counting on you to offer money for the ring,

saying, just give us 50 quid. Because the woman said, I'll give you 100 quid if you return it to me. So again, the greed element comes in here. So she probably names a figure. So she'll probably say, oh, if you can find it, I'll give you 100 quid if you return it to me. So again, the greed element comes in here. So she probably names a figure. She'll probably say, oh, if you can find it, I'll give you five grand. I'll give you five grand. And then this guy goes, oh, mate, I found this ring. Give us 50 quid for it.

Give us 50 quid. And you go, you fucking muppet. So the best cons always work like that. Yeah. Would you fall for that? No. You wouldn't? No way.

I like to think I'm a good judge of people, you know, pretending to me. Orgasms and... Yeah. You have faith. I'm an expert in that. And so, yeah, I think I like to think... Do you? Why?

Sorry. I know. You're Niffy Bellend. If you had an engagement ring that was worth £5,000, you would have it on your home contents insurance. Oh, yeah. Right. And so if you lost it.

So you don't give a flying bellybutt if it's lost. Yeah. So actually, if someone says, buy it off me or whatever. Well, no, but she obviously says it's sentimental. It's her grandma's or, you know, it has some kind of unique... It's got her grandma's DNA buried deep in the diamond. Yeah, something like that. Next one.

Do you want to hear one about lottery tickets? Yeah. All right, good. Yeah, why not? Who cares? Don't say who cares. You meant to be, yes, that's very interesting. I'll invest myself.

It's the apathy that I come for. Yeah, bring a guest on. It could be apathetic. I've got myself. It's the apathy that I come for. Bring a guest on. It could be apathetic. I've got you for that. Listen. You put the pathetic in apathetic. I do not. I'm very, very much infused with this whole process.

Right. Come on, Paul. Please, Uncle Paul. Give us another con, Uncle Paul. I don't know why I do this with any co-host, let alone. I'm sorry I called you Niffy Winky although that is staying that is staying

it's gonna be Niffy Winky ask Niffy Winky that's the worst episode of Teletubbies in the world right the lottery paper scam in this scam

con artists convinced their intended victims to buy a worthless piece of paper before the popularity of cell phones cons provided forged newspapers as proof of the winning numbers.

But these days, a fake hotline or website is used to seal the deal. The con requires a masterful storyteller and an inside man who can befriend the mark. All right? So this already sounds convoluted to me. How does it work? Well, one scammer reveals that what's happened is they've won a lottery prize,

but he can't claim the cash because he owes money to the government who confiscates all his winnings. Oh, no, I can't possibly claim this. They'll just take my money. Here's the thing. How much do you owe if you can't collect a 40 million prize lottery ticket? What has the government got to do with it? It's very good.

The government don't run the lottery. Well, he owes tax. So four million pounds. Because he owes tax, he's not allowed to claim his lottery winnings. No, he's allowed, but they'll tax his winnings. They'll take his winnings off him. They know it's him who's claiming them.

So is it right? I know, it's hard to believe, right? Keep your problems to yourself. I don't fucking care, but there's a greed element. Now, in the original version of the scam... He pays you, that's the point. Yeah, in the original version of the scam he pays you that's the point yeah in the original version of the scam

the winners are scurred illegal immigrants without ID or legal papers that's how it would originally be this is why it's so popular

which is why it's not too dissimilar to this spam thing online where it's like Nigerian prince wants to rest his cash they're afraid that

when they claim the prize they'll be deported that's in the original one these days if you just have a funny accent you're afraid of being deported

now living in this country. Bang! Satire! Ooh! Ow! You're going to hurt your back. I am. The con will ask for opinions and help.

Oh, what can I do? What should I do? Where should I put this money? Oh, this money! You know. And then we'll have the victim call a hotline to verify the numbers.

Eli, to prove it, you call this. You call up the hotline. Damon, you be the hotline. Yeah, mate, call the hotline to verify the numbers. Eli, to prove it, you call this. You call the hotline. Damien, you be the hotline. Yeah, mate, call the hotline. I'll call it now. Hello, scam hotline. Oh.

Hello, I've, uh... Yes, I'd like to claim the lottery, please. Congratulations, you've won nine... I haven't given you the numbers yet. I can tell by your voice that you're genuine. You sound... You know, 9.8 million lira. All right, and where's it going?

Into your bank account. Can I have your number? Is that how it works? Yeah, pretty much. Ah, that's how it works. And if you don't give us the bank account, don't worry,

we're tracing this call and we're going to bundle you in the back of a van and take you to Dover. It'd be easier just to mug someone. It would. It sounds like so much work.

It'd be like... The point is, it was like, it was the con... They considered themselves con men as sort of above armed robbers or muggers.

Yeah, the gentleman's criminal. Yeah, so it wasn't about violence, was it? It was about, you know what I mean? Violence might be an easier way to do it, but they wouldn't do that. Crowbar is so uncouth, isn't it? Isn't it just? You could just get some guy on the street,

threaten to kill him unless he takes all his money out. I mean, that works better, doesn't it? Although the hoodlums did, they pretty much drove the balaclava industry into the ground. Because before armed robberies, balaclavas were a thing. People were going, Jesus

it's cold outside in January. I'd like some kind of warmth around the bottom of my face. I'd like to be able to speak and see, but not look like I'm a member of the SAS. Here's a balaclava. And then criminals went, we'll have that. Yeah, we'll have that. We'll nick that too. The problem is, is like they burst into a bank.

What? Can you take the mask off? Yeah, sorry. Can I give you all the... Oh, fuck. I would like to see the balaclava come back and really sort of break through that taboo where you can go into a bar with a balaclava and a shotgun and nobody judges you. Yeah, in the good old days.

Hashtag bring back balaclavas. I'm just going to put my wife on a chain and leave her in the corner. Right, the next scam on the list. That's a shit scam that last one. I know. The fake workman scam, right? Yes. In this scam, con artist posing as a gas, water or

electric company. Couldn't say that sentence. Is somebody tickling you company. I couldn't say that sentence. Is somebody tickling you? I just couldn't get that sentence out. Is there anyone there? In this workman scam, con artists pose as gas, water or electric company employees and they come to your house to say, we've had a suspected leak.

Can we come in? Or there's a gas shortage. Can we come in? So they'll instruct you to turn on some control panel in the basement or go outside or tell them when something changes but this is just a distraction and then what they do well um they rob your house it's the equivalent of going in someone's house like is that a spot on the wall yeah yeah you know it's that they'll just come into your house and then rob you again easier just easier just to come round your house, bat out of clavars, and, you know, threaten you.

Yeah. I don't let anyone in my house. Ever. My parents don't. I'm your mother, ID. Yeah, I want to see you. A couple of years back, I had these so-called police. Are you being fascist now?

Is that what you mean? So-called police, so-called government? No, these police officers came round, playing close, and they, yeah, showed me the badge and everything. Made you get down on your knees like a dick. They said, do you know this guy? Does this guy live here?

And I just get this feeling that they are not real. It was off. They weren't real, yeah. Did they want to come in? No. No. I think. Are police like vampires?

They will only enter your house if you invite them in. Basically, yeah, you have to invite them in unless they've got a search warrant. Wow. They didn't have a warrant. No, apparently. So maybe they were trying to rob my house. Maybe. They didn't do a very good job of it.

Great anecdote. You can cut that bit. No, I'm keeping that in. That's the gold I like to make sure enters every Cheap Show podcast. Right, the mustard dip. Do you want to have a guess what you think the mustard dip is? I love this. These are going to all be sex acts.

Melon drop, mustard dip. The workman scam. The workman scam. Oh, come and fix my refrigerator. What, darling? Okay, tell me about the mustard dip. What do you think if I said, oh, have you heard about the mustard dip?

What do you think I'd be talking about? I had to think in this podcast. I thought I could just sit here and be sarcastic for an hour. No, no. That's his job. The mustard dip. Well, if you said to me, what is the mustard dip? I would think it's some sort of substitute.

Oh. For mustard? Yeah. A dip. Horse radish. I think dip is con man talk for pickpocketing. You dip something. Yeah.

Or a switch. Is it a switch? You cover something as something else and then you just... No, I shouldn't have asked you this question at all. It was a mistake. I'm sorry. You dip something. Yeah. Or a switch. Is it a switch? You cover something as something else and then you just... No, I shouldn't have asked you this question at all. It was a mistake. I'm sorry. It's late. Right. So in this scam, a helpful stranger tells you that you've got something on your coat and offers to wipe it off for you. And then? That's it.

What if I'm not wearing a coat? Then? What if I'm naked? What if I'm watching videos of Carla Lane at home? Look, that's my thing, not yours. They've got some mustard on your keyboard. No, this is it. Hang on, let me get into it. So they'll say, oh, you've got something on you, I'll wipe it off.

And before you know it, they're removing your jacket. And then they're reaching down into your pants. And then they're giving you the old hand shandy jiggle dance. No, they're not. Basically, they go, oh, I'll take your wallet out your jacket for you and give that a clean too. Basically, what they do oh, I'll take your wallet out your jacket for you and give that a clean, too.

Basically, what they do is they say you've got something. It's a pickpocket. Yeah. But with a little bit of extra deception. Yeah. So it might not be like a spot of mustard on your lapel. It might be a- But do they actually make sure that there's something there?

I mean- Well, in some cases- It's just weird. You're walking down the street. Someone comes up, oh, you've got something there. Take your jacket off. Let me just start undressing you in the middle of Vauxhall. You're walking down the street, someone comes up, oh, you've got something there, take your jacket off. Let me just start undressing you in the middle of Vauxhall.

You know? Yeah. Well, Vauxhall, you expect that. So in some cases, they do squirt a little bit of something on you. There'll be someone who walks ahead. There's a squirter. And you go...

Yeah, you've got the squirt man walking ahead. Now it's making sense, yeah. Followed by another man who comes up from the... The wiper. Oh, you've got some... You've got the squirt man ahead,

then the wiper. This is like've got some... You've got the squirt man ahead, then the wiper. This is like a really shit A-team. Squirt man and the wiper. That could be a good cop show. So if a stranger points out some gooey substance on your clothes, thank them, decline the help, clean it yourself. Yeah. Fucking, you know, I'm going to fucking...

Yeah, if in any doubt that that's what you're supposed to do, definitely do not interact with anyone ever while you're out in the public. Just ignore anyone. You can't trust anyone. You can't trust them. I can't trust you. I can't trust you. Paul, you've got something on you.

What? Have I got something on my wallet? You've got something on your winky. Oh, is it Miffy? There's something on that £10 note. Would you use it to go and buy some beer? Well, you're not going to be able to clean that. My friend once bought some drugs.

This is how stupid he was. The guy went, you've got to come with me to this estate. It's in there. In that dark alley down there. Give me the money and I'll go and get it. He stood around the corner. Then he came back and he went, just give me another £10 to wrap it in wow that is really stupid yeah he fell for it because that comment

should have said i'll wrap it in i'll wrap it in a 50 that would have been better so that's manipulation but wait did he just end up walking away with 20 quid then and never came back or did he actually bring it back wrapped in a 10? No, no. He took 20, went round the corner, came back and went, oh yeah, I've got it. Just give me another 10 to wrap it in. The guy gives him another 10 and then he just took that and... Fucked off.

Yeah. So he increased... Well, you've got to be careful. He already had that 20. He was buying drugs and therefore he deserves what he gets. Yes. Because sometimes you buy a bag and it ends up being fucking sage. That is some chutzpah though,

isn't it? Yeah. To step out and go, just give me another tenner. Yeah, basically. Like, you don't think people are that stupid, but it turns out they are.

They really do. So if in doubt, just ask a stupid question and see what happens. All right, and the last one on this list is called the flop. Again, sounds like a sex act. Alright, and the last one on this list is called The Flop. Again, sounds like a sex act.

Ooh, get the master dip, I've had a flop. Last night, I got a lady at home after a few drinks. Couldn't have sex with her because I had the flop. I wonder what happens if you drill a hole in a square melon and then put your dick in it. Sorry. We know the Japanese

are very, you know the japanese are very you know oh very misunderstood people and the flop is simply just going out into the street and jumping into a moving car and going oh my back oh yeah which is why in like russia they had dash cam cams is that why because so many people did that because there are so many claims of a vehicle accidents and things like oh you ran into me and you ran into me. No, no, no. It's good. It's good.

I like it. My wife. Coffee. Coffee. You fucking Russian. Yes. So those are all ones that actually still happen. They still happen.

They're not obviously common as they used to be, but people still fall for those scams. So, you know, be careful out there. And don't have nightmares. Right, so we've gone from popular cons to the con men themselves now, all right? I've got a few people here. Some of them you might have known or might have heard of, or some of them are completely new to you, right?

So these are some of the stories that these con men pulled off. Have you ever heard of Victor Lustig? No, never heard of him. Victor Lusty? No, that's a porn star from the film The Flop, sequel to the mustard dip. There was a great US diver at the Olympics this year with a porn star name.

Oh, what was it? Steel Johnson. Excellent. I love that. The funny thing is, I think Steel Johnson beat Tom Daley. I bet he did. It was dipped in algae-covered irony. Oh, was that what that green pool was? Yeah, well, they say it's algae because it's open air.

Yeah. But I think someone just pissed in the pool. Yeah. We used to do that a lot at Watford Springs. I would look at someone with a grievance towards the IOC, maybe the Russians. Oh, cool. It's always the Ruskies. They snuck in. Because do you know how they,

I'm totally going off track here, but do you know how they switched the... Drugs. Oh, you know. Do you know how they switched the samples? So you know, like, there's a drug thing where the Russians got caught doing drugs. Damien, explain how they got away with it. The Russians got away with it. They were doing drug testing and it was state-sponsored doping. And it was basically taking vials

of wee and swapping basically taking vials of wee and swapping them for vials of wee from people that weren't doping. And the way the Russians did it in Sochi was they drilled a hole in the wall. We call this the Porky movement. And in the middle of the night when these vials of wee were just sitting on the table,

this tiny little hand came out and picked up the vial and then swapped it for another one. Wow. And they didn't notice until they discovered this hole in the wall and then they unravelled the whole thing. So if you're going to do a con, have a plasterer on hand. Some with very small hands, like, say, Jerry Beadle.

Well, no. No, because there'd still be a small hole. All right. They'd say, oh, look, there's a hole, but no one's got hands small enough to go through there. It must be a child hole. All right. They'd say, oh, look, there's a hole, but no one's got hands small enough to go through there. There must be a child's hand. You have a child's hand.

Yes, but Victor, what's his face? Oh, yeah, Victor Lustig. Yeah. Can I just say? Yes. I failed a piss test. Have you? For this podcast.

I failed a piss test at British Rail. They sacked my ass you worked for British Rail and I brought some clean piss off of my brother's mate who obviously was off his tits on drugs no you know what

let me down what temperature so what you brought in cold piss it was chilled my piss wasn't hot enough the fake piss

wasn't hot enough don't keep it in the fridge if you are that was your mistake fiddling the system the nurse was like I'm sorry it's not warm enough

you should have kept it in your back pocket and then they sacked me they sacked me so hard the woman was like and it wasn't just cannabis ooh

dot dot dot yeah great job was it I was a porter at Paddington station porter at Paddington what does that involve

moving people's luggage oh you know a porter yeah I guess and had thought about it. And he had this sign on the trolley saying, don't tip us. Do not, do not tip us. I'm sorry, did you work at Paddington's in like 1910?

No, this is... Excuse me, Governor! Occasionally shooing some bears out from Peru. Seriously. And yeah, they used to tip their arses off. Wow, and they had suspicion that you might have been taking recreational drugs. No, everyone who works for the British Rail

Needs to be on drugs Has to have a piss test Yeah because of you working near trains So doctor I have to have a piss test Yeah you just come in here and then on my face It wasn't hot enough My wee wasn't hot my fake wee wasn't hot enough Fair enough

So let that be a lesson to you Me? Sorry You're taking some fake piss in to keep it warm. Yeah, you put it, boil it up maybe before you go out. Boil it up. Put it in a flask. And then put it in a flask. Yeah, put it in a nice little...

I had it in a little sort of thing, taped to my leg. None of this worked. Edit point. Right, so, Victor Lustig is the man known as the man who sold the Eiffel Tower. But it's still there. It's still there. Now, here's the thing.

He has a very interesting life in general. If you go into the details of his life, it's fascinating. He invented a money printing machine, right? And the idea is, he built this box himself. He'd go up to someone and say, right, for a grand, as example, I'll give you this box. And what this box does is you slip a note in, any note you want, and it prints it out.

So he takes this, like, I don't know. It prints a copy out. A very good, you know, fake $50 bill. So let's just say he goes, turn the crank, and then this other dollar bill falls out. Oh, he got two. And then he goes, and then he would say this. By the way, this works, but you can only use it every 18 hours so if you turn the handle again

you've got to wait 18 hours which was how long how far could he get away in 18 hours which is exactly the point yeah it would be like yeah that definitely works

alright a grand yeah thanks just remember looks at his watch 18 hours before you try it again train at 7.44 and apparently there was one story

where like months later this guy stops him in the street and goes, You! Yeah? You sold me that box, that Prince money! Yeah? It didn't work! Right.

Can I buy another one? That's it. The stupidity of people. The stupidity of people. So he would go. I mean, he sold, in some cases, actually, I'm looking at this now, he sold the box for 30 grand, which in, whatever it was, 1890 in America. That's a lot of money.

And when you look into the story, he was ripping off people left, right and centre, where they got to the point where he couldn't be himself in any one state. He had to have a different moniker for every single town and state he lived in so he didn't get caught out. Now, forget about all that. In 1925, he was in France and he was working with a con man partner. And he thought, do you think I could flog the Eiffel Tower? Do you own it? No.

But do you think I can flog it? Yeah, he did. So he went up to a government official and said, right, because everyone at this time didn't like the Eiffel Tower, because everyone saw it when it was first built and went, oh, that's an ugly eyesore. There was a philosopher, I can't remember his name, whose favourite place in the whole of France was the Eiffel Tower.

Because it's the one place in France he didn't get to see the Eiffel Tower. Who was this? Hegel? I can't remember. I can't remember his name. Descartes? No. I mean, a philosopher.

I know. Oh, man, your camp was a real piss-ass. Yeah, go sing all of that so you can guess which one it was. I don't know. I can't remember the name right now. But, anyway, he went up to this businessman and went, look, no one likes this Eiffel Tower. I work with a scrap merchant.

So do you want to buy it off us and we'll scrap it for you? And this guy was like, yeah. So he sold the Eiffel Tower to scrap metal merchant dealers and then fucked off the Vienna with a big box of cash. Now, obviously, the buyer himself can't call up then and go, I bought the Eiffel Tower. Do you know this man? No. Oh, I bought the Eiffel Tower. Do you know this man? No.

Oh, I've done it again. First it was the box and then it was, oh. So again, the greed element was in there. But here's the other thing. He thought he'd make a fortune off the scrap. Yeah, Victor was like, that was way too big. Because I can't remember how much he got for it, but it was a lot of money to scrap the Eiffel Tower.

And he looked at the newspapers every day and listened to you know try to find that if it was announced it wasn't so you know what he did he went back and did it again well no one caught me so give it another go went for the whole same thing yeah i can scrap that for you i can put you in there and then the scrap metal deals go oh easy money so what did victor then do with all of this money uh well eventually he spent it all on drugs and women and upset everyone and was chased by different... There was a story, I can't remember all the details now, of a sheriff who finally caught him and was very proud of himself, but the sheriff

had debts. And so Victor went, I'll help you out with this debt. I've got this money printing machine and the sheriff bought it. The sheriff bought it, got done for fraud, went down for a few years as a result. Wow. Yeah, crazy. It's a master con man i love the idea that you can actually like a bullshit verbal macgyver yeah you can just get yourself

out of any scenario by telling lies straight away but long story short he died on the 9th of march 1947 in alcatraz with pneumonia good what a prick what a prick i'm going to alcatraz in 28 days shall i piss in his uh cell if you can find it yeah you know i don't know it his will be the one with the eiffel tower scratched into the wall there was frank ab ab ab abagnale abagnale yeah but he was very famous because steven spielberg turned his catch me if you can catch me yeah which was then turned into a musical on broadway a musical yeah which is what they say about most musicals in Broadway, because they last about five minutes. Yeah, catch it while you can.

He collected, over the course of his life, 2.5 million dollars involving scams over 26 different countries. Oh god, he was printing fake money all the time, blank deposit slips. It was cheques, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was his thing, wasn't it? He had so many pseudonyms, and he would say,

oh, I forged to half a degree. And yeah, he had the gift of the gab, this guy. I won't go into it because obviously he got a movie made of his life. So Frank, crunch, fuck it. Abtik and the Nail. Abtik and the Nail. Imagine he was in a film with Matthew McGogany. Mahogany.

Imagine that. McGogany and Abtik and the Nail. I can't even say that now. I couldn't do it. Mahogany, Mahogany. Mahogany, Mahogany and Abedinale I can't even say that now I couldn't do it Mahogany McGonagany Mahogany and Mogany

I actually want someone with that name to win an Oscar because they had Lupita Nyong'o which I think is probably the closest you can get the one from

12 Years a Slave yeah but that's probably the closest to ridiculous name at the Oscars you could possibly reach. Well, there's that guy who, the British actor, Chitwadjofo.

Yeah. Eligifor. Chitwadjofo. Eligifor. Eligifor. Eligifor. Eligifor. Chitwadjofo, allegedly.

Do you know what the best name ever for a Wild West stripper would be? Go on. Bronte McQueenie. Why? It just would be, wouldn't it? Is that your drag name, if you had to be a drag artist? Yes, Bronte McQueenie. What would be the second best?

I haven't thought of that. Fanny McFlaps. No, that's crude. Surely Miffy Winky. Miffy Winky. Yes. The one that nobody goes with. He's the monkey on the piano.

Bronte McQueenie. We've all come to see Bronte McQueenie No, we've got Niffy Winky It's Miffy Winky tonight Sorry, day shift Day shift strippers I also had to There's another funny name Just out of nowhere

I don't know what kind of person this would be But his name was Chad R Blaster Hang on, Chad Chad R. Blaster. Hang on. Chad R. and then Blaster. No, R. Blaster is his second name. R. Blaster is the whole surname. R. Blaster. Chad R. Blaster.

What does he do? I fucking don't know, do I? I think he's a stuntman. Oh, what does he do? Yeah. Sorry, it's hypothetical. Yeah, you invented him. I was going to say, was he a real person?

Oh, he's a real person. That's a real name I saw. Same with Bronte McQueenie. Oh. Chad is a first name that you either give to a country or a very specific type of person. Yeah, the kind of person who plays beer pong. You'd have to be a jock if you're Chad.

So Chad Arblaster is someone that now works at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. OK, right, next guy. We've all heard of this. Why would you want to move on so quickly from that? You're so impatient. Some tangents are better than others. Chad Arblaster, call in. Chad, we know you're out there.

Chad, get in touch. We want to put you in touch with, what, Miffy Winky? Bronte McQueenie. Bronte McQueenie, get in touch. Love match. Right, next one on the list. You've all heard of him. Charles Ponzi.

Ponzi scheme. The Ponzi scheme. Not the Fonzi scheme, where if you want to fix a TV, you just go, hey, and you hit it. And then you jump a rubber shark. Then you jump a rubber shark.

Yeah. So Ponzi, so he was the original Ponzi guy. Well, yeah. He was what they named the scheme after. Yeah. The birth of the pyramid scheme. Yes.

Right? So it was a scam that pays early investors returns from their investment of later investors. Yeah. The birth of the pyramid scheme. Yes. Right? So it was a scam that pays early investors returns from their investment of later investors. Right. You see what I'm saying? That's the system.

The trickle down. Yeah, yeah. He promised clients a 50% profit within 45 days or a 100% profit within 90 days. Right? I'd go for the first option.

I'm not much of a risk taker. I think that was the problem, wasn't it? By buying discounted postal reply coupons in other countries and then redeeming them at face value in the US, it was a form of arbitrage?

Arbitrage? Arbitrage. Richard Batrage. Chad Arbitrage. So anyway, long story short, he was currently, at that time in 1920, making $250,000 a day on this scheme.

Just enough to get by. Federal agents arrested him. And after the Post started a series of articles asking hard questions about the operations of Ponzi's money machine, he was then sent to prison for years. On 1934, Ponzi was released, sent to Italy, then Brazil, where he spent the rest of his life in poverty. Often working as a translator. He died of a stroke in 1948. I like these people, you know.

Yeah. They all died. That's the lesson. They all died. Conning does not buy you immortality. It doesn't. You're going to die in the end, guys. Yeah.

You have to con God. All right. Well, let's do one more. This guy is called Ferdinand Demara. Oh, it's the Demara scheme. No. This is where you buy sugar. No, that's the Demarera scheme.

He improvised successful surgeries and was a fake surgeon. See, what on earth is going on there? He was known as the Great Imposter, masqueraded as many people from monks to prison wardens to surgeons throughout his life. He was born in 1921, joined the army in 41,

began living life by borrowing the name of his army buddy, Anthony. He then faked his suicide, borrowed another name called Robert Linton French, and then became

a religious-orientated psychologist. Wow. Which is complicated. Both the Navy and the Army caught him eventually, and he served 18 months in prison. Story over? Not that long. Not that long.

But that's not where the story ends. After a string of pseudo-academic careers, he was, in this part of his life, a civil engineer. I mean, all faked. No documents, no proof. He was a civil engineer, a sheriff's deputy, assistant prison warden, a doctor of applied psychology, hospital orderly, a lawyer, a care...

Hang on, why would you pretend to be a hospital orderly? They get paid shit. A daycare child expert, a benedicting monk... So who's this guy, Demerara? Yeah, Ferdinand Demara. Demara. Was he Peter Ford? No, I don't know. I'm just suggesting because, you know... He's dead. You can say what you like. They're all dead. That's the moral.

He was an editor, a cancer researcher, and a teacher. One teaching job led to six months in prison. Don't know why. It doesn't say here. A prison teacher, maybe. Yeah, but his most famous exploit was to masquerade as a surgeon on the HMS

Cayuga, a Canadian naval destroyer. This is during the Korean War, right? And he managed to improvise, improvise successful surgeries and fend off infection with a generous amount of penicillin. Wow. So people come up to him and say, Oh, I've got a bit of irritation.

Yeah, penicillin. Oh, I've got gangrene. Yeah, penicillin. It works, doesn't it? It did work. It used to work. This worked until the mother of the real Dr. Joseph Sire, who he was pretending to be, found out and went, no, that's not... He's not the real Messiah. He's not the real Messiah.

His life was turned into a 1960s film called The Great Imposter and he died in 1982 as a Baptist minister. Dead. Maybe he went up to people and went, oh, like the mustard dip. Yeah. He'd go up to people and went, oh, like the mustard dip. And he'd go up to people and go, oh, you appear to have a lump on your shoulder, my good man.

I think I can take care of that with some penicillin and a giant fuck-off scalpel. God, can you imagine being a soldier fallen in the Korean War and you're dragged in front of him and you've got a big gaping wound in your leg and he goes, staple gun, sellotape, our wing miss,

and if all else fails, penicillin. Yeah. Stick it all in. Imagine, though, if you had to. Say one of us ruptured something and you had to put one of us on the desk. Yeah. And there was only like a Bic. Yeah.

And. A Bic razor. I do have one of those box cutters, actually, somewhere. Oh, yeah. I never travel without one. Because you're a serial killer? I don't trust people. I'm suspicious. There's all these people walking around with parc killer? I don't trust people, I'm suspicious

there's all these people walking around with parcels and I'm like, let me help you open that but if you had to open us if you said the ambulance is going to be half an hour and they talked you through it on the phone could you do it? could you kind of weed your way through the guts? yeah, to save someone's life

what about if it was sore and there was a key to your bear trap death mask and you had to cut it out of your wife's eyes? Oh, yeah. That was a bit blase. I don't have a wife. No, but also not attached

to a bear trap at this point. Right, so... So what? Not play hypothetical games with you anymore? Yeah, bring fucking Sherlock Holmes back to life. Yeah, I've done it.

Fucking hell. I think the best way to deal with that guy from Saw Yeah. who goes you've got an hour to I put a key in your eyeball. It's just to go

mate I hate my life. You're doing me a favour. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Well at least pretend. I put a lot of money in this.

Go on. Put your eye out. I put these weapons for £30,000 from a guy who says they work. Come on. Put your eye out for I bought these weapons for £30,000 from a guy who says they work. Come on. Put your eye out for me. Are you masturbating?

No. The clock says ten minutes. I might as well chuck one out. I can get this done in five. This is not the video I want to sell on the deep web. Just to end this section up, it says the greatest con men of all time Right you're going to love this

Is Milli Vanilli True Because they were You know the story of this don't you Yeah Milli Vanilli didn't sing their own songs They did not Even though they'd won in that year 1990 When they were huge

But do you have the clip Do you have the clip of when it fucked up Because they were on stage miming You'll find it on the YouTube They were on stage miming. You'll find it on the YouTube. They were on stage miming, Girl, You Know It's True, and then the backing CD skipped. Girl, You Know It, Girl, You Know It, Girl, You Know It, Girl, You Know It, and they're looking around going...

Oh, can I just say, please never write in Milli Vanilli Cocker because you get a completely different set of search matches. I've seen that episode. Lip sync. All right, I'll look for the clip now. You'll love it. It's got a sad story, because one ended up killing himself. He did, didn't he?

I'm out to make fun of them. Well, you can, because he's dead. You can say what you like. All right, here's the 30-second clip online. I'll play it, but I don't think it's going to work unless you see the video. By the way, for this episode, all pictures and video clips we mention are on the website. Go to the website, thecheapshow.co.uk, and go to the designated episode page. Pictures and videos and lovely little clips there that accompany this lovely episode you're listening to are right now.

Anyway, let's listen to Vanilli. You mimed that, didn't you? Yeah, I did. Number two, Milli Vanilli. in the Vanilli. You mimed that, didn't you? Yeah, I did. Number two, Milli Vanilli.

By taking things to a whole other level, Milli Vanilli will go down as the most famous lip-syncers of all time. These guys didn't sing live, nor did they even sing on their debut album.

When it was revealed that a group of unknowns provided the real voices for the duo, Milli Vanilli quickly had their Grammy for Best New Artist taken away. Guess they couldn't blame it on the rain. That didn't say anything. Yeah, that was bullshit. It didn't. Videos, I need to have a look. Playback, the Milli Vanilli tragedy.

Milli Vanilli song skips live. Let's listen to this one. Yeah, we can't watch that video clip. Anyway, they got caught lip-syncing. It is out there. It is. It's just shocking that they thought it would not go wrong. Like, I watch a lot of wrestling.

Yeah. And the amount of so fucking basic. You watch a wrestling organisation and the amount of like so fucking basic you watch a wrestling organization and they go right we're gonna have a ladder match and the prize is going to be a contract to win a shot at the title right which makes but we've all seen ladder matches we know you fight each other in the first person to get the top unclip this thing right the amount of times that fucks up because what they do is they put a clipboard on a hook. Stupid. They put a blank sheet of A4

on a clipboard. Stupid. And the amount of times I've seen that fall off the hook before anyone's gone up. And they go, now what the fuck? Just think about it. The climb down competition. They don't care.

Can it go wrong? Yes, then don't do it. The climb down competition. They don't care. They don't care. Can it go wrong? Yes. Then don't do it. Yeah. So Billy and Lily courts. But the thing was, them miming, that's like one thing.

But them not having done the original music is another thing, isn't it? Because that was the thing. Remember when like the 80s and the birth of dance music was coming through and then Black Box Right On Time is a great example where they got a very thin black woman

to do this. No, no, but that's the thing. Do you know who the original singer of that is? Who was it? Lolita Holloway. And she was in what? She was a singer. She was just a session singer. What do you mean a session singer? She was a singer for hire. No, that was a from her hit.

It's a sample, a vocal sample from her hit. But anyway, she's a big woman, right? Hit and run lover. See, this is why I like having him around. He's full of pointless facts. It's like having trivial pursuit in your pocket. Yeah, it's a big woman, right? Hit and run lover. Yeah. See, this is why I like having him around. He's full of pointless facts. It's like having trivial pursuit in your pocket. Yeah. It's a big wedge. Lolita Holloway was a great singer.

Yeah, no. But she said... Yes, she might be overweight. No, no. But here's the thing. What, you fucking hater? It's not about that. I'm overweight.

Am I unattractive? Are you a great singer? No, you're not. And you're not a great singer. And you can barely do Long Island accents. Long Island iced tea. Anyway. I would like a hot Long Island iced tea with some coffee and some dog piss the point is is that on top of the

pops and they would come on and sing these songs that were all remastered you therefore had singers having to mind the what what why don't you think she never recorded it that way so why don't you just stick benny hill's ernie video on instead for me was there a video to ernie yes because bell i've said this to you before on the show. Benny Hill had a big success with that song, Ernie, Fastest Milk, Man in the West. Yes. Was too embarrassed to go on Top of the Pops to sing it. So made a music video.

Ah. Why was he embarrassed? Because he was a very private individual. Well, and also he's a fat, podgy, overweight dude with a leering comedy show. And didn't want to be seen on stage singing this song. Surrounded by really young people going, Anyway, long story short, Milli Vanilli scum.

And that's it. Right, final section coming up now. Save that shit, it's gold. So to end on today, because it's all been about con men and hustling, I'm going to now try and con you guys never never never so i went to a charity shop as you do and i bought this right i bought it for two pound it's by marvin's magic who are a respectable magic company i trust him because he's called marvin

yeah and i've never known him marvin not to be trusted not chad winky wank or whatever his name is blaster yeah and it's a little box, little tin box, that has 50 outrageous scams and hustles. All right? Yeah. Okay. Okay. It cost me two quid.

I know you're going to scam me now. No, you don't. You should have set this up better. No, all right. The box should say, definitely not 50 outrageous scams and hustles. The box should say, hang on, this ring is lovely. All right. So I bought this from a charity shop. 50 outrageous scams and hustles. The book should say, hang on, this ring is lovely. Right. So I bought this from a charity shop.

It's called 50 Honest Games for Friends to win money. That sounds good. I could win some money. That's a lovely tin you have there, Paul. Yeah, and it costs £2. Now, I will say this up front.

I bought this for £2. I'm glad I did because online or in shops, brand new, this will cost you £18. Oh. Do you know what, though? This should ideally be on sale for £2. I'm glad I did, because online or in shops, brand new, this will cost you £18. Oh. Do you know what, though? This should ideally be on sale for £2, because it's awful.

The kind of stuff in here, I am embarrassed by to pay close to 20 quid for. Right, so inside, you get loads of little bits. Like, for instance, you get this. Have you seen this one of these before? It's a little kind of cord on a pulley. That's what you put a tenner on. Yeah, so you put a tenor on yeah so you like you put a tenor on on the end of it and you see oh look and then you go oh and it

disappears it gets pulled in and then what they chase they go oh you're a cunt yeah they they look at you and go oh mate i could i love that that cord is about two foot long and you have to be you have to be really ignore me ignore the man with the string! With the black string. It's like, oh look, there's my book. And you're going to reach for it. And it goes, oh, it's not very good. You can get that for like a quid in a toy shop. Hand it over. Alright, so we're adding up if it comes to £18.

No, you don't have to add up, it's not incremental. What happens if I attach this to my foreskin? I think the foreskin will disappear. I'll be honest, that was a question I did not expect you to ask but also in this as well look you get one of these little stickers

that when you put onto glass make it look like it's a bullet hole or a breakage and you can say look you've broken my window or my mobile phone which is like the scam

we heard earlier the you know the box the melon drop or whatever it's the melon drop isn't it and yeah

these are things you can get in like you know like those machines where you put like money into a slot and there's a chicken on a rotating table and all those plastic eggs. And when you put your pound in, the chicken rotates.

It goes, and then the egg falls out and then you get a toy. Somebody please remix that. Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. Wop, wop, wop, wop. I know I didn't mean it.

God, you know it's true. Let's get Millie or Vanillie, whichever one is alive. Which one's alive? Oh, dear. Oh, what a sad ending. Anyway, so that's that. Again, that's nothing. 50p?

Yeah, a transfer. You get this. This is awful as well. This is the greatest unboxing video ever. It's like an unboxing video, but it's a podcast. Look, trick people into thinking it's a press pass by having a piece of card that says press pass. Oh, that's very poor.

I don't know, though. I think I'd fall for that. Would you? Because I've never seen a press pass. I've never needed to have one. No one has ever. Apart from maybe in the 50s when you wore a trilby and you stuck it in the side.

I had tickets for a cooler shaker in Winchester. Oh, I'm sorry, mate. Not 20 years ago a couple of months ago and uh i was like my name's on the list and they're like no it's not oh no didn't you have one of these cars the flash so i said it's damien from sam fm and they went who what they went they went oh no we'll let you in because nobody would pretend to be from sam oh my god so i've never seen a press pass. Why would you? But this is it. It says, Association of Registered Journalists, official. And then there's a little place to write your name and cut a thing out,

maybe laminate it if you want. Yeah, that would look better if it was laminated. Maybe, but it's still... That's 18 quid of anyone's money. Yeah. That's what? I'd pay 30 quid for that. If you've taken the time to laminate it, people will go,

definitely not a scam because that takes time. Then get this, right? Inside, VIP wristbands. You know that takes time. Then get this, right? Inside, VIP wristbands. You know the kind of ones you get at festivals? Yeah. You look like you've never been to a festival before in your life. Right, but all it is, it's an orange little piece of plastic that looks like a wristband

that says, VIP special guest, access all areas. That would get you beaten up. If you went to, like, Glastonbury with this on, they'd only stop laughing once they'd finished pummeling your face. That's terrible. You can't con. This is for children.

20 quid. It's a terrible box. It's a box of shit. I still see more though. There's more in there. Yeah, but this is the thing. So you get this. So, so far, the press pass card. Bullshit. The stickers.

Bullshit. The stupid plastic VIP. The retracting bull lanyard. Foreskin snapper. What would you pay? Ooh. His foreskin is bleeding now. So far, what would you pay for that in all?

Three pounds. Couple of quid? Yeah. In a toy shop? Yeah. But now we get into the heavy-duty shit. I'm going to film these little bits, because I'm going to try and use these ones to scam you now, all right?

You're going to scam us? I'm going to do my very best to scam you. It's a good job I'm wearing my favourite T-shirt with a moose on it. I didn't realise I was going to be on it. It's a good T-shirt. It's all right, your face aren't going to be in. All right. Which bit is going to be in, though?

I know the keyboardist out of Cuda Shaker. Yeah? Yeah, do you? Hey, dude. Henry? Yeah. What I'm about to do now is perform two hustles using the 50 Shades... No, not 50 Shades.

50 Shades of crap. 50 Shades of scams and hustles Marvin Magic set, which is all here. Right? I've now got two scams I'm going to work out. So the first one is called the three card trick. Alright? Three card Monty. Yeah. I've got got two scams I'm going to work out. So the first one is called the three-card trick, all right? Three-card Monty. Yeah, I've got three cards here, right?

Yeah. Here's how the trick works. You go, oh, look, they're three cards, right? And you show them, you go, oh, look, right? There's the three cards. Now, Eli, Eli, you see, all you've got to do is say, Eli, which of these three cards is the queen, right? So look, you go, oh, look, And you go, oh, uh, uh.

Which one of those is the queen? It's the one in the middle. Is it that one? Yes. Let's have a look. It's not. It says, ha, ha, ha, ha, you owe me a drink. That's pretty good, that.

Damien, do you want to have a go of it? Yeah, please do. All right, where has it gone? All right, so you've got your cards, and you go, oh, there's the queen, and then you put... I've just seen how he does it. Shut up. I've just seen how he does it.

So you go, oh, look, where's the queen? There's the queen, right? So you go, which one is the queen? Which one do you think it is? The queen is the one that's inside the fake cards. No, it says, oh, you owe me a drink again. But look, here's how the trick works. I'm going to ruin the magic circle now

because you've got this card here, which has a little flap on. A little flap. And what happens is you put the fake card in there like that. So it's like that. Like that, you see? Yeah. And then that card covers up the crime.

Right. And you go, oh, oh, oh. And you go, which one's the queen? And you go, I bet 50 quid you don't know which one's the queen. And then I turn it over and then you still don't give me 50 quid

because you've never had that much money in your bank account at any one time. Oh, because I'm what? Why? A tramp. And?

Ugly. And? When you turn that card over, it said you owe me a drink, right? Yeah, right. I could just give you

a drink of that size. You could. You could indeed. And you have your a drink, right? Yeah, right. I could just give you a drink of that size. You could. You could indeed. And you have your right to. Could, it looks suspiciously like, and this is a long callback, it looks suspiciously like Eli's frothy wee that he had when he tried to pass a drugs test.

So I could actually just hand that to you. I'd like a glass of my own frothy wee. It's drinkable. Right, here's frothy wee. It's drinkable. Right, here's the next trick. It's very clean. I had to pay a child for it. You can get high off it. Right, here's the next trick.

See, these are the cards from Psychic Land. Wavy lines. Wavy lines, square, star, circle, cross. Am I going to get electrocuted on this? No. I'm not going to try and chat you up and electrocute Eli. Oh, actually. There's a new podcast. Yeah, there's a new podcast. Electrocute Eli. Oh, actually. There's a new podcast.

Yeah, there's a new podcast. Electrocute Eli. Yeah, while Paul gets his rocks off. I'll do that. Yeah? Can we have videos of Cara Lane? No. Carla Lane.

Sorry, Cara. Cara Lane. We'll do the bad Japanese accent again now. A woman listening called Cara Lane has just gone, whew. Right. So what you've got to do, Eli. Yes.

Right. You've got to pick one of these cards out at random and then hold it to your head and I have to guess which one, using my psychic powers, you've chosen. Have a go. Don't show me. Now, put it on your forehead and have a think. Do I need to look at it? You need to look at it so you know what it is. Right? Okay. Right, so put it on your forehead. Just place it with one finger. Yeah. It's on my forehead. Right, I want to see it. I want to see the back of it.

Why do you need to see the back of it? Just go with it. You're going to be psychic. You don't have to see the back. You want to see the back of the card, do you, Paul? Yeah. No, I mean, I want to see that. I just want to see that.

Right. It is... You have got... Shut up, hold it still. You can't hear him because he's off his microphone. This is lame. I'm using... Pop on your head still.

I can't find the secret code if you don't do that. He's filling to try and work out what the card is. This is the worst magic show I've ever seen. It's the square. Yes. Yay! I'm psychic. How do you think I did it?

It's a magic eye picture on the back of the card. No. And... Eli's looking now at the cards. He's trying magic eye picture on the back of the card. No. Eli's looking now at the cards. He's trying to figure out how the magic trick was done. He doesn't know. You are delighted by magic, aren't you? I don't know how you did that.

It's the number of petals. Oh, you're very close. The number of... Oh, you're very close. I'm hard. You're close. I'm getting there. It's the number or something. You're all right with the petals.

The clue is in the petals. One of the petals is always raised, and depending on the position on that circle, you know which card it is they're holding against their head. I think Eli's having a moment. A sexy moment. What do you mean, raised? I'll show you exactly later, but basically...

On the video. If you're watching this on the... If you listen to this on podcast and you want to see it, go to the video, which will be on our YouTube channel, hopefully about now. Look, you see, there's a little thing here. On the corners. Yeah, on the corners are little circles with petals, right?

One of them sticks out. And one of them sticks out. So in this case, it's that little one there, which shows me it's one line, which presents to me the circle, because it's one complete line. But if it was the fourth one, it has four sides, therefore it's the square. If it's the second one, it's one line which presents to me the circle because it's one complete line but if it was the fourth one it has four sides therefore it's the square if it's the second one it's two lines which means it's the cross and that's how sidekicks do it ah yeah well in that case that's only psychics

pretend psychics right are we ready for the last one oh now this one's for eli okay they're always for eli sorry mate you are furniture for the point of this. Sexy furniture. So I'm going to give you a dice, right? And I need to get these chips out, okay? Get your chips out. I can smell your chips. So here's what happens. You've got all these chips, and each chip has got a number value on, right?

Yes. So in this case, it's 100 or 550, example. Just like, you know, all the usual. Gambit chips. Now, what's going to happen is this. We're going to play a little game, you and me. All right. Whatever one you end on, whichever chip is left last on this board, you get the monetary value.

Now, obviously, I don't have 500 quid, so I'll give you a £5 note, right, if it's 500. If it's 100, I'll give you... A quid. If it's 50, I'll give you 50p, all right? Okay. Okay. So, all you've got to do is roll the dice,

and whatever number it lands on, we turn over, and that's which one you don't have. From where? From which direction? So one, two, three, four, five, six, right? That's how it works. One, two, three, four, five, six. Yellow is one.

All right, so here's the dice. All you've got to do is roll it. So roll it. Two. So one, two. You have not won five pound. Oh, I'm sorry. Roll it again.

And this one is six. So one, two, three, 4, 5, 6 You have not won 20p Oh, you have not won 20p Roll it again So it's whatever I'm left with Yeah, whatever you're left with Okay, 1, so that one's that one

Which means you have not won 100 pence Which is a pound in this British country 2, roll it again because that was 5 6, oh we've done that one again. Okay, good. One again. Keep on rolling. Two. Keep on rolling. Jesus Christ. Three. One, two, three. You have not won

50 pence. Deal or no deal would be a lot quicker if you just did it like this. It's going to be four or five. So keep rolling until you get a four or five. Let's just pretend. No. Three. We're doing this properly so the fates allow come on keep going you can do this no it's not keep going until you get it proper this is like keep rolling keep rolling forever keep going forever two keep going forever come on keep

rolling just land it on four then four four. Four, right. You have not won, oh, ten pence. So, which one have you won? You have won the one that says Eli. Loser. You won, bloody loser. How does that work then? Look at the dice. There's no five on the dice.

There's no five on the dice. It's bullshit. Look at his smug face. Look at him. I tricked you with magic. So there you go. And so that's what you get with this whole set. For 20 quid, that's what you get.

That's it. That's the entirety of it. To be fair. All right. You know, that's not all actually true. You do get a little book with little scams in. But they're all the kind of things you get in a pub. You know, like there are nine matches.

And the things you can get online for free. It was worth it just to see Eli lose his rag over a fixed dice. It was worth the money. Can I have this VIP? I'm going to go down

Bimblebap and... Yeah. First class on the train home, that's what you're doing, Sam. Oh, excuse me. I used to work here. All right, well,

Damien, we'll end with you then. We'll end with one of the little puzzles to say, if you don't get this wrong, you've got to give me a fiver or whatever this bull crap is. Right, here we go. Oh, I'll just give you a lift home, yeah. Oh, well, Damien, we'll end with you then. We'll end with one of the little puzzles to say, if you don't get this wrong, you've got to give me a fiver or whatever this bull crap is, right? Here we go. Oh, I'll just give you a lift home, yeah.

Oh, yeah, okay. So here we go. What we've got to do is solve this riddle, right? A plane crashes on the border of Portugal and Spain, and this caused quite a stir because they didn't know where to bury the 30 survivors. So where did they bury them, Spain or Portugal? Nowhere.

Who says there was anyone on the plane? No, it says there, 30. I like the thinking. Yeah. Are there says there was anyone on the plane? No. It says there, 30. I like the thinking. Yeah. Are there any prostitutes on the plane? No. What do you want a dead prostitute for?

Start again because there's a bit missing here. What? I mean, that's a question that answers itself. Prostitutes. All right. A plane full of prostitutes. Dead prostitutes? Are they dead already?

A plane crashes full of prostitutes on the border of Portugal and Spain. And it caused quite a stir because they didn't know where to bury the 30 survivors. So did they bury them in Spain or Portugal? They just left them there because they're dead. No. They buried them where they live. Yeah. No.

They don't live in Spain or Portugal because they're on a plane. You are fucking idiots. Listen. All right. A plane crashes on the border of Portugal and Spain, right? They didn't know where to bury the 30 survivors. Where did they bury them? Nowhere, because they're not dead.

Survivors aren't dead. Yeah, there you go! You fucking Muppets! I think you get three goes at these questions. Anyway, well done. Just for the video, sign off. That's Damien and that's Eli, and I'm sexy. I'm sorry for that that's Eli and I'm sexy.

I'm sorry for that last image. So I scammed you good and proper. You did. I am the best. Suck it, lick it, flick it and tickle it. Thank you, Paul. Thanks for being on the show. Wait, I'm doing the intro.

I'm doing the wrap up now. I'm doing the wrap up now. All right. Yeah, all right. Can I do something? Do you always do the wrap up? Yeah. Yeah. He's shit at it. I'm not shit at it. How dare you? I'm doing the wrap-up now. I'm doing the wrap-up now. All right. Yeah, all right. Can I do something? Do you always do the wrap-up? Yeah. Yeah.

Is he shit at it? I'm not shit at it. How dare you? I'm doing the wrap-up now. Watch him fucking make this... Make ten seconds sound like 50 years as he messes up the fucking everything. Well, that's time. Don't throw cards at me.

This dice... I'm going to shove this dice up your arse. We're like X-Men. Now I'm under pressure to get this right. I'm under undue pressure. Right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to end of a fucking... Shut up.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of a yet... No, not of a yet. You put the pressure on me. Should I do it, Paul? Should I fucking do it? No, because you don't know the address and the Twitter account or anything. I'll just go to you.

Listen. All right, okay. You set it up. I'll knock him dead. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of yet another brilliant episode. Well, that's for you to judge,

but I liked it. Episode of podcast... David, do you want to have a crack? Thanks for listening everybody this has been the cheapest cheap show ever Paul Gannon has been exceptional and has kept his trousers on Eli Silverman has told us many stories

about his frothy wee he still hasn't got this under 10 seconds though he's going into wonder country now I didn't realise it was 10 seconds oh you see the pressure's on you now this is it. I can do ten seconds. Fucking done with this episode, right?

We're done. Scratch, it's ended. If you like this show, and why not, we're just as good as any other podcast, you can get in touch with us. Email us with questions for Eli, maybe. Yes, please, I want more questions. So email us at this address, which is thecheapshow.co...

No. Thecheapshow at gmail.com, right? That's where you can email us. If you want to follow us on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. If you want to go on Facebook, just type in cheapshow. You can find us. We're on iTunes and Stitcher and other SoundCloud apps.

Eli, on Twitter, where can they follow you? Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Damien, where can people follow you on Twitter? At Chad R Blaster. And I am Paul Gannon Show. At Paul Gannon Show. Fucking normal. See what I mean?

See what I mean? Shall we try again? I'll wrap it up. Go on. You wrap it up. So, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of another brilliant episode of The Cheap Show. Thanks for listening. And thanks to our guest, Damien St John. Thank you, Damien.

Where can they find you on Twitter? At Niffy Winky. No, sorry. At Niffy Winky 4. Niffy Winky 4. Good. Eli. Eli Snoid.

E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. But you won't find anything of interest because I never go on it. You never do. Even your noodle chat's gone... Well, I did answer a noodle question. You did. About Paul Noodle. And I'm at Paul Gannon's show on Twitter. The podcast is at The Cheap Show Pod.

On the website, it's www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to email us, it's thecheapshow at gmail.com and we're also on iTunes, Stitcher, most independent iCloud apps.

My brain is melting. Subscribe. Please rate us online. It helps us drive up the traffic. And you can also catch me and Eli on the Boshans YouTube channel. Do you know what would happen if you typed all that out and printed it before you came in? Yeah, it would make this show sound so much more professional. We'd be in the bar by now. I'm against it. I'm against it.

Too much polish, is that what you're saying? It's rough and ready. Thanks for having me, guys. It's been... Thank you for putting up with this. ...my favourite podcast to read some stuff. And on that note, I'm off home to watch Bread and have an anger wank. Goodbye.