CheapShow - Ep 28: The Grotty Life of John Meggot

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

We're Back! After a brief hiatus, Paul & Eli are back for more cheap tips, cheap tat and cheap laughs. The economy comedy podcast has returned and its bigger and better than ever... actually, its exactly the same. In this particularly grotty episode, Eli advises, not only where to buy and find weird and wonderful vinyl, but also how to get rid of a fat bloated corpse. We catch up with what the chaps have been up to during their time off (Paul: Lots, Eli: Nothing). We get into some old school Price of Shite goodness and we cap the show off with a "Dollop-esque" investigation of Britain's most horrible, dirty old man: John Meggot/Elwes Ahh, Cheapshow. Trashy as ever! We would like to once again thank Page Branson for our awesome new logo and Brian Wecht for the trippy & fantastic new theme music. Give them your love @bwecht @page_branson Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. The wait is over. Cheap Show returns. Live from Cambridge. Not live. Sort of live. From Cambridge. Eli Silverman here, and here's Paul Gannon. It's Cheap Show, everybody! Hey, we're back in the room in the hiz-ay. In the hiz-ay. Yo! It's been a while, hasn't it, mate? Yeah. I think my thingy's fallen off. What? What's your thingy?

My willy. Right, we need to back up a bit. It's been a while since what? Oh, since we did a pod, right? Oh, you thought I was talking about sex? You twat. I was just about to say as well, have we lost our mojo?

It's going to be hard getting back into it, you know? It's tough. Mate. And the answer's yes, apparently, in the first 30 seconds of this podcast. Very bad. So what have you been up to in the past two months? Well, nothing has changed.

Excellent. Whereas I, I, things have changed a lot for me. Big boy pants. I got my big boy pants on. Yes, you have a new job here. Yes, we're recording with our new studios in Cambridge. I've moved to start a new radio station. I'm also content manager, which means I'm now in charge of people,

and I do not like that. Because I like everyone to like me. And I don't want to have to tell people off or be a boss. You've got to do it. I've got to do it.

I've had years of doing it with you. Actually, I'm interested in Lou and I saw they've already started drawing you with a big droopy willy. That's fine. It's an improvement, mate. No, but it's dripping.

Again? It's called Drippy Willy Pool. That's fine. I'm happy with that. You know what Oscar Wilde used to say? What? Trickle your ass.

No, he used to say, the only thing worth being talked about is being not talked about. Is not being talked about. Yeah, something like that. I never got on with him. Well garbled. Anyway, shut up. So before we get going, a thank you or two, I think. First of all, I want to thank Paige Branson.

Paige did our new logo. You know, the animated anime version. We didn't get to thank her last time on the podcast. No. So, I asked her if she would like to do an anime version of our faces for our logo, and she did. And that's the logo. And that's the logo. Do you like it? I like it. It's grown on me, actually, yes. Why were you against it at first?

Well, I have a little funny nose in it, like a little piggy man. Yeah, because in real life, your nose is a very big huge schnoz. Yeah. Yeah, a great big, ugly, fat, bulbous twat sniffer. It's not a twat sniffer. Yeah, it is. I've got a good nose for cinema.

Do you? Yes. What does that mean? Well, it's got a lot of character. You mean on screen, or are you just picking out the latest movies? No. No. It looks good.

All right. I disagree. So thank you. Obviously, thank you for the people who have been listening to us. Thanks to Barshans as well. We've been getting lots of feedback now because you've become quite a huge fucking star on that. Well, you know, it's inevitable. When I speak, people...

Vomit. Finish my sentences for me. Yes, I guess. Yeah, but we've had a new audience that have come in from the Barshan show. Because they fucking love you. They love you. It's good. It's always, why don't you rename the channel Bar-E-Lysians or something.

Why don't I run for the US presidency? Can you grab a lady by her puss-puss? I can. I can go China, folks. China. Vagina. My favourite quote of Donald Trump's is, I know words.

I know good words. You can't argue with that. You can't argue with that. And finally, I'd like to thank Brian Wecht, who has done our brand new theme tune for Cheap Show. Whoop! Whoop! I like it.

Yeah. Not heard it yet. We've yet to edit this in. Right. But I'm presuming it's good. Brian Wecht, for people who need to know, is a friend of ours. He used to live in the UK for a while, did some comedy. But now, before then, he was famous for his comedy music group called Ninja Sex Party

with Dan Abaddon. And now he's on Game Grumps, which is one of the huge Let's Play YouTube channel shows. He's massive. Do they have a live element as well? Yeah, they do live shows as well. As well as pre-recorded videos. Game Grumps is huge now. So the fact that we're even tangentially

involved with it. Let's just big that up. Let's trade on that like a mofo hoe. For instance, Brian Weck's episode of this podcast is our highest downloaded episode to date. Most listened to, most downloaded.

I would argue not our best episode, frankly. I think we let Brian down on the day, but worth it for the crackers. Did we have crackers? Yeah,

I mean, the game we had to play where we had to describe things with crackers in our mouths. Do you not remember our shows? Well,

I don't remember much. It's the cannabis. Yes, it is the cannabis. Kids don't use drugs unless they're really good drugs. Yeah.

In which case, go for it. So anyway, we're just folding ourselves back into this show. That's what we're doing. We're getting used to the new format, new studio. But there's no new format, no new ideas. It's the same old shit. Well, that's what people love. It is.

Cheap show. They want us to be bereft of any ideas. Talent. That's part of the cheapness. Skill. Yeah. Wit. Cheap, low any ideas. Talent. That's part of the cheapness. Skill. Yeah. Wit. Cheap, low-grade, poor mumblings.

Yeah. Verbal sloppage. Anyway, I do have, though, I sent out a calling on the internet to say, Eli. A calling? Is that a new website or something? Yeah, I sent out a calling. A calling.

Is that one of these annoying things you get asked to join? I sent out a calling. Is that one of these annoying things? I sent out a mission to the internet and said, Eli's here. Do you have any questions for him? And a few people and by few I mean two got back to us with questions for you. Would you like to answer them? I'm here to answer them. Alright, here we go.

Question number one. This comes from on the Twitter. This comes from Dr. Dagless. Remember Twitter. This comes from Dr. Dagless. Remember Dr. Dagless? Dr. Dagless. Is there something else that I needed to remember? No. I haven't.

Yeah, you have actually. His question is this. What's the best plan to move an obese corpse out of a block of flats without anybody noticing? Please answer as soon as possible. Right. Yeah, some urgency. I can pick up some urgency. So what you want to do,

try and get some gas out of the corpse. Okay, so you mean like jump on it, squeeze it? Well, you need to pierce it. Like a sausage? Yeah. Okay. Pierce it with some kind of tube. Oh, a tube.

Like a straw? Yeah, just get a tube and sharpen it. Okay. A straw's not going to be rigid enough to get the puncturing. Like guttering piping? Something like that, yeah. Just get a tube and sharpen it. Okay. A straw's not going to be rigid enough to get the puncturing. Like guttering piping? Something like that, yeah. A nice big thick tube.

Yeah. Okay, so sharpen it at one end like a straw. Pierce it. Then let some gas out. Then you hear that. That's when all the horrible gas comes out. You want to do that. And then, simple really, dress him up as an aeroplane.

You say simple really, dress him up as an aeroplane, but there seems to be quite a lot. Well, aeroplanes are white. You just need some A4. A4. Some white gaffer tape. Paper. Yeah. So you take this corpse, this huge bloated corpse.

Wouldn't it be, can I interject? You can. Wouldn't it be interesting and more apt to, instead of a plane, maybe a blimp? Yeah, but a blimp doesn't, you see people, people know it's blimps, don't they? Yeah, but. You see a blimp, you go, oh, look, look, kids, it's a blimp.

I see what you mean. So you're actually drawing attention to it. Yeah, just want to be a bog standard Boeing. But you're not drawing attention to an obviously dead fat guy badly made up to be an aeroplane. I'm trying to answer the question. All right, okay.

I'm sorry, I've interrupted. I've interrupted. So you dress him up as an aeroplane. Yeah. And chuck him out the window. Sometimes the most simple plan is the one. Why do you need to dress him up as a plane then? So that people go, oh, it's a plane.

You don't think people would panic if they went, oh, it's a plane dropping out of the sky. Also do something distracting like... Juggle? Yeah. Stand naked and juggle. This is very complicated shave your nuts right oil them up perhaps get some glitter on right and then stand in the window yeah juggling meanwhile get an apprentice so you're bringing more people into this now what do they call it

accomplice oh accomplice yeah i don't know who else is in there with him well i mean it looks like he's working alone at this point well you can still do it yeah just make sure you're juggling quite high up right and then you're rolling the corpse with the foot out of the window out the window right so you don't think you're drawing even if they'll see that they'll go the guy's naked look at those glittery jangly nuts yeah but again i'm still arguing that it'd be simpler just oh what's that and falling out, that's not as interesting. Looks like a plane. What's that huge white, pale thing falling out of the sky

making a grizzly, bloody, gory mess on the floor? Listen. Oh, it's the guy juggling with his nuts out. That's the guy doing it. Yeah. Perhaps it would just be sort of a cognitive dissonance thing where they think, no, that can't be real. I don't think you... I think... Well, I haven't thought this through. I just heard it now.

Is that what you're trying to imply? That I haven't planned this? Yeah, maybe. In short, Dr. Dagless, get that oil up on your nuts. Well, there you go, Doctor. I hope you can

use this information quickly and succinctly to get rid of that corpse. I personally would agree with him up to the line of using a pipe to pierce him, but I would just use that deflation to wrap him up in a carpet or rug and then take it down to the skip. Yeah, he's still got the problem of walking down with this obvious corpse in a carpet bag. Well, they'll get an accomplice. And what's he going to do?

Juggle his nuts, apparently, judging by your fucking logic. Anyway. What's my second question? Second question is, this comes from a guy in Gloucester called Will. He's only 16. Very young. I'll be gentle. Please rephrase that.

I'll be... Considerate. I'll bear that in mind that he's 16. You'll actually like this question, I think. Hi, Paul and Eli, love the show. It takes a special kind of effort

to keep a podcast this consistently trashy in quality and in conversation. We agree. Alright. Quite eloquent for a 16 year old

as well, I like to think. He says, like Eli, I love to collect vinyl records, yet I struggle to find really cheap vinyl that is both obscure

and fucking awful. As I'm likely to visit the London capital soon, where in London would Eli recommend for such things and what are his prized trashy records? Thanks from Will. Well, that's a good question, Will. Thank you. You really don't want to be going into the central part of London. No.

All of the charity shops with their records are overpriced. Oxfam has some kind of weird policy now where they get someone to price the records up charity shops with their records are overpriced oxfam has some kind of weird policy now where people they get someone to price the records up according to maybe what they see on the internet yeah discogs or the or the record collectors price guide which is the famous one for british records okay but what they don't seem to realize is the the price is listed in the in the record collectors guide for example yeah uh mint oh so like the best example of that you can find. Yeah.

The price is for how much it would be for mint. And you don't get secondhand records that are mint. Really? No, not really. Very rarely. Sometimes you find a sealed copy of something. Yeah. And so that leads to the phenomenon known as,

what the fuck is the price of that? So you're in Oxfam and they've got a copy of, like, you know, Sergeant Peppers or something. And it's completely bashed to shit. Looks like someone's eating their dinner off it. Yeah. Yeah, and it's £100 in Oxfam. No. Fuck off.

Is it signed by George Maharrison? Yeah, you know what I mean? So there's that. Don't avoid those, the big chain charities, because they're just overpricing stuff. Interesting. It's not good. Because obviously there's a big sort of revival in vinyl and they're thinking they don't want to lose revenue.

They don't want to miss out to any chain stores that pop up. Yeah, and there's all stories of people finding extremely valuable records in charity shops. So they're like, no, we want to price it properly. They're not. They'll probably get some volunteer called Derek. Hello. Derek.

Oh, it's madness. Oh, the kids like that madness. What's it worth? Oh, 70 quid. Is Derek 50? The kids like madness? Yeah, he's 50. All right, fair enough.

I'm just building a picture of Derek. He's got a sweater on. Great, great. And he likes tea. On the sweater'm just building a picture of Derek. He's got a sweater on. Great, great. And he likes tea. On the sweater, is there a picture of a wolf howling in front of a moon? Yeah. Excellent. It's that kind of guy.

Yeah, all right, good. So, yeah, they've got that guy. So what I'd suggest is to go to quite obscure... Off the beaten track. Yeah, sort of just outside, sort of zone three and four, that kind of area. Okay. Those kind of suburbs. And look for independent charity shops, smaller hospice-based ones.

Okay. And then you're much more likely to find a trove of awful, awful vinyl. Oh, what's your favourite place to find awful vinyl then? He did ask that very specifically. Well, recently I've had a lot of luck with Mind in Camden. Oh, yeah. This goes against what I said. Mind in Camden, which is a shop that smells so badly of cat piss, it's hard to believe.

Right. It's really got that proper... Do they own a cat? There's six or seven cats in there all the time, you know. Honestly, if it's a shop about mental health... And it's mental health, yeah. I'd be concerned. But no, it's good for mental health cats, aren't they?

Because they just are... Well, yes and no. Callous, horrible critters. Yeah, but if I went into any shop and there was a person in there with like six or seven cats, I'd worry about their mental health. As a result, last time I was in there, Snail Lady attacked me verbally as well. Snail Lady did? It's my name for her.

Snail Lady is a lady who lives in Camden. She's a homeless lady. She's a homeless lady. And apparently she likes snails. Well, she just resembles a snail slightly. Because she's what? Slimy and slow? No, she has a huge rucksack.

Okay. And she's small. Oh. But anyway, she attacked me. It wasn't very nice. Why did she attack you? Because she is mental. Well, that's bluntly putting it.

She was like, if my father was alive today, he'd smack you in the face. Wow. And I'm like, what did you do to upset her? I just sort of moved my bag because she was walking past me. So I moved my bag out of the face. Wow. And I'm like, what did you do to upset her? I just sort of moved my bag because she was walking past me. So I moved my bag out of the way. Yeah. And I think she thought I thought she was trying to sort of steal from me or something. Oh, I see.

She took offence. Okay. Yeah. Obviously, I didn't think she would, you know, anyway. Yeah, because you have nothing to steal. She might have seen you as a fellow tramp and went, my perch, my perch, my perch. Don't insult. You just did.

Caroline. Oh, is that her name? Yeah. Oh, I did not know that. She's obviously, people like her. You know, she's a nice woman. She seems friendly enough. She's schizophrenic.

That's the problem. And so, yeah, she freaked out at me. Anyway, so that's perhaps not very funny. Sorry, Will, for that tangent about mental health issues. So anyway, that's my favourite mind. And I have found some corking. They had a bunch of stuff, obviously from Holland. Yeah.

A bunch of sevens from a radio station or something. They all had the same sticker. Disc something. Disc groovy. Yeah. All like the place that these all came from. And I found some extremely, extremely bad records. The genre of music was bad, or?

I'll go grab them. Oh, you've got them? Yeah. All right, go get them. Hang on. I'll just make small talk. So what I will say, ladies and gentlemen, is that I've moved to Cambridge, and I live not too far away from the River Cam.

All right, I'm back. What did I miss? I'm nearly finishing the story. So I'm there. I just about to masturbate. Oh, my God. Was that it? That was it. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Right, I'm back. I was killing time. It wasn't... I take it back. Topolov. Ali, be good. I picked this up. Yeah.

Yeah, see, there's the sticker. Oh. Disc service. I think it was like a... Oh, okay. Like a rental place for records. Like, you could rent them. That's a strange concept.

Like a library of music. Yeah. I think that's what it is. It's a lovely sticker, isn't it? Yeah, it's very shiny. I'll take some pictures of these later. For Will, yeah? Yes, just for you, Will.

And so I found some... I think it was in Holland, I believe. Some of these, I think they were all Holland, but there was a lot of French crap. There was a huge box of these sevens. Yeah. These singles, European singles, including Topolov ali be good and

this guy he's he's impersonating an arab or something on the cover he's got the worst sunglasses frames well it looks like pasted on if jonathan king was pretending to be an arab that's what it would look like. He's also got a leather jacket. So it's like a mix of a hard rock with an Arab look. Or even like an Indian look. Yeah. Like a Native American look. Anyway, this song is called Ali Be Good. Dum dum da da dum dum dum da da dum dum dum.

No, no. Not Ali Be Good To Me. No, that's Dub Be Good To Me. By Dub International. No. Ali Be Good To Me. Ali Be Good. international no ali be good to me ali be good which is yeah basically a reimagining of johnny be good by chuck berry as if he was an arab oh my god yeah is this online yeah i bet it is i might

have to find it if i can find it i'll cut it in i thought we were gonna have a record player today i know i thought we were too anyway wait wait i'll cut it in if I find it now. But anyway, at some point in future episodes, I'm liking the vinyl love, the love of shitty vinyl, because I love it too, and we're going to incorporate this in the show. I want a promise from you now, Paul. I've always said we should bring it back if and when we can. So just to quickly mention a couple of others,

Mr. Walkie Talkie, Be My Boogie Woogie Baby. Now, it's the original version as well. Of course. Because it's so popular. There are so many versions. This is horrendous. Honestly, that is. That's bad. Be my boogie woogie baby.

Wow, I refuse to believe that. Just on an interest point here, have you heard of this group, Bilbo Baggins? I mean, no. No. The Sha-na-na-na song. By Bilbo Baggins.

No. Weird, eh? Is it a shawaddy-waddy kind of thing? It's sort of like a glam, sort of sub-sl's sort of like a glam Sort of sub slayed Sort of Yeah Sort of thing

I don't know why They taught back in my school But I seem to be Like some kind of fool Oh yeah I've built my history But but that don't bother me. Oh, no. Well, I know my teacher had no soul.

And that school didn't teach no rock and roll. Oh, no. I saw some pieces of Slade when they started out recently and I didn't know they were like skinhead mods I didn't know that they also had like a psych album they're good Slade Slade are excellent pieces of Slade when they started out recently, and I didn't know they were like skinhead mods. They were skinheads. I didn't know that. They also had like a Psych album. They're good, Slade. Slade are excellent. I like Slade.

When people say, oh, Oasis, they ripped off the Beatles. Actually, no. Oasis ripped off Slade. Mainly Slade, yeah. Even how they titled some of their songs. And did you know that Slade in Flames, that rock, have you seen that film? No. There's a movie with Slade. Yeah, it's called Slade in Flame.

Yeah. And it's considered to be the Citizen Kane of rock movies. It's really good, hard-hitting and sort of... Is it a documentary or is it dramatic? No, it's dramatic. I'll have to look this up. I'll have to look it up. It's really good.

So, mind and candour. And the other thing I got, this. Café Creme Unlimited Citations, right? Now, do you know what this is? This is a seven-inch single. Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen. Made in 1977. It is literally all the Beatles songs in a big medley with a disco beat.

Oh, my God. It's right up your street, isn't it? It's right up my street. It's really, really awful. Like, really, really awful. La la la la, la la la la, let it drop Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner But he knew it couldn't last Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged Get back

Get back in U.S. Back in U.S. Back in U.S.S.O. No, no, how happy you are, boy Get back in U.S.S.O. Singing with the Beatles Dancing on the disco Twisting in the 60s

And it's called Café Creme. Yeah. Unlimited citations. That's because how many they got when they saw the track listing for it on the back. Yeah, it's bizarre. So it starts with, hey Jude, twist and shout, birthday, good day sunshine, and so on. There you go. All right, well, to wrap this section up.

Well, can I just finish answering the question? Yeah. So that minor candidate, but I did find in amongst all of this utter, utter crap. Yeah. That minor Camden, but I did find in amongst all of this utter, utter crap. Yeah. A strange Italian art rock single, Darling. Darling.

And I can't remember the artist, but 50p, turns out it's worth almost 30 quid. Isn't it? Is it any good? Yeah, it's good. What genre? It's kind of art rock, psyche. Psych, kind of prog, sort of funky, weird. It's a very strange record. Thanks for your question, Will.

And thanks to the doctor for his question as well. I hope that goes alright for him if we can get an update. And I think it shows the polar extremes of our audience. Some of us, some of them listen and are interested in you and your hobbies and your talent and advice you can give in terms of record. And some just want to know what to do with a fat corpse.

As a witty, surreal aside. So thank you both. You know, it's good to have you. Let's crack on with the show. Ladies and gentlemen, it's our delight and our privilege to once again

give you the theme song you've all been waiting for for a part of the show we like to call The Price of Shite. Eli, hit it. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right.

Oh, it's good to be back in the Price of Shite grotto. Eli is kicking off The Price of Shite this month. I've got some items for you to guess the price of, and they are shite. Excellent. It's a very simple concept, and we've explained it succinctly and accurately right now. So I'm just going to make some notes here. Yes, right. So what is number one? You need to get good, right, because you've been bad in the past. Now, the rules are, remember, if I get it within 50p, it's a point.

If I get it spot on, it's two points, nothing else. That's the rules. That's the rules are, remember, if I get it within 50p, it's a point. If I get it spot on, it's two points. Nothing else. That's the rules. That's the rules. That's it. We've settled on for them for good now. Okay. All right?

So we'll remember then we'll... So far, I have six points and you have... And you'll get some shite next time. Yeah. And then we play each other across the episodes. This is going to be a long, overreaching arc. And there might be a prize at the end of... Let's say we get to episode 50 because we're closer than we thought we'd ever get episode 50 we'll tot it all up and whoever

wins gets to wank off the other oh wank wank all right you all right why is it always wanking because i have a very limited sense of what is funny one One thing is funny for you. Anyway, you ready for the first piece? You've just seen me do it. It's hilarious. You ready for the first piece of shite? Yes. There you go.

Describe it to us, Paul. Well, I honestly... You can hear it. It's got an audio aspect. Now, I'm going to guess it's not musical. No. For two reasons. One, well, first of all, let me describe it.

It is a big plastic red apple with a plastic green see-through stem and a slot in it with a button. It shakes, but I'm guessing that's to weight it, right? I'd say just to weight it down, yeah. Interesting. Now, my argument there is why not just put more plastic in and weight it that way or put some metal in? It gives it a certain feel. It gives it a certain je ne sais quoi, I guess you could argue. Yes.

So what do you think it is, though? It's got sanding. I like it. It makes it musical. You can open it up. Look. Can you? Give it to me.

So, yes, it's a sort of red apple design. Can I say already, I really like this. I don't know what it's for, but... You do like it. I do like it. I like its style. Yeah. It's kind of that postmodern style where it's for, but... You do like it. I do like it. I like its style. Yeah, it's kind of that postmodern style,

where it's sort of an object that looks like something, but has some other use, you know. I mean, an apple's an interesting thing to make. Yeah, you can take that off, so you put something in here. Oh, I think I know. Yeah, go, go, have a guess. Is it post-it notes or tape? Yeah, it's a post-it note.

Yeah, it's a post-it note dispenser. God, you're really liking this, aren't you? I'm a little bit hard. I'm a little bit firm. You're getting a bit tucked in there. I'm a little bit tenty. Yeah, so it basically is a red apple post-it note dispenser. Oh, I like it.

And that's a nice solid bit of kit, that. It's got some weight to it, hasn like it. And that's a nice solid bit of kit, that. It's got some, yeah, it's got some weight to it, hasn't it? It could work as a paperweight as well. It definitely could work as a paperweight. It's multifaceted. Oh, on the bottom it says Post-it note. I didn't even see that. Actually, it tells you exactly what it is on the bottom.

Oh, right, I didn't see that. So I'm glad I didn't look at it too hard. Now, if you like to get your Post-itit Where do you want to bloody roast it Get the apple, slot it in How much was it cost or shall I throw it in the bin? Racist What the hell was that, racist? You've got your dingus like Caribbean sort of, haven't you?

I didn't do the accent though You're a coconut, aren't you? Yeah, alright Don't do that Now, don't be looking up I know you've got that app on your phone. What, crap stuff from a charity shop? No, more specific than that.

You've got the app. You mean I've got the internet? Well, no, you've got that special app, Price of Post-it Note Dispensers. Yeah, I have. You saw I downloaded that. So don't be opening your app, right? I won't.

I need a price. You can't check the market. Compare the post-it note dot com. Yeah. So this is in good condition. You can't check the market. Comparethepostitnote.com. So this is in good condition. It's in really good condition. It's got a shine to it. A lot of plastic stuff loses its luster after a while. I did not know that.

Does it really? It gets kind of matty over time. Yeah. Certainly if you've rubbed it a lot or whatever. I think this was probably manufactured not that long ago. It looks like a kind of late 90s, maybe early 2000s thing. But why would you have apples? What does an apple have to do with postage?

Because imagine you're Barbara and you work in a shit desk job in a boring, great company selling... Hello, I'm Barbara. Hello. No, I'm Barbara. I know, but I'm your boss. Oh, you sound like me. Because we live in the same area.

And we can only do so many accents between us. Okay. What? So, you know, here's your little desk. Make it as you like. Give it your own little flushes. I like to give it... I'm crazy. Yeah, you're crazy here's your little desk Make it as you like Give it your own little floor I like to give it I'm crazy

Yeah, you're crazy I'm fucking crazy Especially after I've done some Jaeger bombs Oh, you wouldn't get on I shat myself I shouldn't tell you that Anyway Make the desk your own

Okay Oh, you know what No pictures of your kids No? Okay None of them All right All right, he doesn't like pictures of kids Oh, I've got. None of them. All right. All right.

He doesn't like pictures of kids. Oh, I've got that Apple post-it note dispenser thing. Oh, I like that. That'll liven up the desk. Oh, it will indeed. There it is.

Aye. I can pretend it's a coconut and do racist songs. Ruddy Nora. So, stop delaying. I need a, I need a,

I need a price for this piece of shite. Oh, you know what? This is really tough. It's a nice item. It's really tough because... Can I ask what charity shop you got it from? Yes.

What charity shop did you get it from? Raise My Voice Foundation. Which is my local one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you haven't gone far for this, but that's fine. I don't care where you go. It's the quality of the items, and that's quality. All right.

I've never seen you this impressed with a piece of shite in my life. Look, overall you've been bringing your A game to it. Alright? So I feel like I'm on the defensive when it comes to it. You need to get some shite. I'm going to bloody fucking blow your brains out next time. I'm going to wow your eyes out of your fucking school, mate.

Sex time. Yeah. I'm going to go with £1.50. £1. Yeah. I'm going to go with I want to go with £1.50. £1.50. Okay, you said it. I said it. I'm not taking it back. £1.50 new British pence. Are you ready for the next piece?

I am ready for the next one. Here it is. It is horrible and I love it. It is I think a kind of table mat for food. A sort of serving plastic Yes, it. A serving plastic tray. Yes, it's laminate. It's a laminated plastic thing.

It's got a cork backing. Which is good, which means there's friction. No friction on the table. So you could definitely put a pot of chicken stew on it. A cup of tea served on it. If you had a set of them, you could serve everyone's plate on that. Now, describe the scene. It's a scene that is a naive painter.

It's a very naive painting. And it depicts a scene? It does. Now, it's a scene of, I want to say, some kind of African farmland, I guess. Looks like it could be, yeah. There's a yellow bottle. I mean, obviously, pictures will go up online. But this looks like the kind of place the BBC would make a drama

starring Martin Freeman about a white guy from Britain having to look after... Native people. Native people. Comedy of errors kind of drama. Okay. But, you know, it's got like a straw or wooden hut, a shed. Obviously, I think a little place there for horses.

It looks pretty bleak, doesn't it? It looks pretty bleak. There are no animals, no humanity on this There's no one there It's for people who want to eat their dinner off It's got a little thing there I think it says Shering Shiro

Do you know what I think? I'm getting a kind of South African vibe Yes, maybe you're South African But you're bleak And I think think i'm not saying it is but the sign in the corner it does look like either rolf harris or pro harris pro harris that's the pro rolf harris movement yeah pro harris a lot of artists you know got their inspiration it all works as a wobble board what's going on use that Use that Yeah We're making music It's the shite

It's the shite music Shite band In 75 Oh it comes from 75 The year I was born So It kind of looks like the scene Where you dump a body

Oh god It looks like the scene Where a load of bodies Have been found Yeah Hardly buried Yeah Just in shallow graves

Out in the middle of the desert In South Africa It's a very violent place South Africa Yeah Well look There's no one there So South Africa. It's a very violent place, South Africa. Yeah. Well, look, there's no one there, so everyone's dead. It's a bleak, bleak scene. It's a bleak scene, but perfect for your tea or stew.

Or your coffee. Yes, it's a very 70s thing. Yes. God, it does look like Rolf Harris, doesn't it? It does, doesn't it? I mean, not the image, but the actual signature. The signature looks like Rolf Harris's. Do you think you've got a Rolf Harris original?

How much do you think that's worth now? Not much. It's by the Willow Company. There's a stamp on the back. For anyone outside of the UK not familiar with Rolf Harris he was a cheeky

cheeky Australian performer entertainer stroke cartoonist who liked to fuck young girls. So can you guess

how deep it is yet? fuck young girls. So, oh, oh, oh, right. Can you guess how deep it is? Yes. Shouldn't make fun of such a horrible, horrible crime. And yet we are. We're doing race, we're doing sex.

I know. What other taboos are we going to smash? That's exactly what they want from Cheap Show. Bad humour, terrible, without a filter. Right. It's the comedy,

comedy podcast. So, yes, thank you. Yeah. So I'm going to guess it's all sort of it's that that style where you sort

of put paint on and you know this is very interesting but you're right. Yeah. It's great. You kind of scrape it off scrape the pattern

into it. Yeah. Into the paint. So I'm going to guess for that one pound right in the nose. One pound. I want to say one

pound or 70. I was going to say 75. Change your mind. No I'm going to say one pound. Oh, 70. I was going to say 75. You can change your mind. No, I'm going to say one pound. I'm going to stick to basics. Now, a very different item. Okay.

We've got four items today. What, four? You lucky, lucky man. Wow. Does that mean I've got to get four for next time? You can get as many as you like. Are you ready for this? Or do you want to do three and then save one for next time so you can save money?

No, we have to do all four. Okay, all right. Fuck with me. Here is the next piece of shine. Oh, I don't know what it is, but it's shiny. It's chrome. It's a chrome-esque. It's chrome piece of plastic with four nobbles.

Imagine a chrome horsey with no head. Yes. It looks like a reject. It's got four knobbly legs. It looks like a reject from a kind of Rankin and Bass animated Christmas special. It looks like Terminator 2 had a little pet. Oh, the T-1000. The T-1000 had a little pet.

A little pet called the T-Kitty-1000. Yeah. Doesn't it? T-1 Kitty. It looks like it's morphing into a killing machine. By H&M, it says on the top. H&M, yeah. So, I've got two ideas what it is. Good, because I don't have one. A massager. By H&M, it says on the top. H&M, yeah. So, I've got two ideas what it is.

Good, because I don't have one. A massager. Oh. Or? Let me just do it on you. Oh, flipping hell. So, it just goes on your back, right? Yeah, don't do too hard.

I'll be very gentle. I'll be very gentle. All right, Paul. All right, here we go. Oh, that's quite nice. Yeah, maybe that is what it is. You like that, bitch? I fucking love that.

I like it, yeah. All right, thank you. Do you want... All right, Paul. Oh! Oh! Are you all right back there? Have you done your backing?

I've made a sticky biscuit. Oh, it's great. Glad to be back. Yeah. Glad to be back. Right. Oh, we've hardly changed. You literally haven't.

I haven't. So, I think it is a massager. I think it is. What was your second guess? It could be some kind of phone stand. No, I would say massager. Yeah. Okay, so how much for the H&M branded?

75p. 50p. 75p. I&M branded? 75p. 50p! 75p. I need an answer. 75p. Okay. Because it's not much, too, and I can see that having a little sticker on for 75p. Massage.

Now. 75p. So the fourth and final. The last item. It's a bumper one today. Is? Out of your little bag. Oh, what's this?

It's a soccer-themed... Pinchinko machine. Pinchinko-style game. Game with a little... You flick the ball up and you try and get it in. This is a proper piece of shit. It really is. There you go.

Let me describe it again. Yes, it is a little circular piece of plastic with two little silver balls in and a plastic little... A twanger. A jaculate. A twanger. Twanger.

And there are 50, 100, 500, 200 and 200 little hoops to get it through. Those are the points you can score. It's not much like football and the background picture is a soccer player. It's an anime-esque soccer player. I thought it was like Dragon Ball Z at first.

I wouldn't have put it past it. It's made by Henbrandt Toys. Henbrandt.co.uk. And I think they make quality shit. That's a terrible, terrible piece of crap. That looks like it came in a press sheet of five. It was like this one and a blue one and a green one and a red one.

It has no value as a toy. Party favor kind of gift bag shit. When you go to an eight-year-old's birthday party and you get a bag of this and a bit of cake. It literally is of no use to anyone and it's killing the planet. But it's got a little hole on it so you can work around your chest like an amulet.

Not an omelette, an amulet. Medallion is what you're working with. I'm a medallion. What's an amulet? An amulet has magic powers. This might have magic powers. If you get two balls in the 500, maybe you go back in time. That would be cool.

And stop yourself from buying this piece of shit in the first place. So, let me just try and get one in. Oh, it's very poor. I can't even get it to... It's got no action. Maybe I need to put it flat. No, because then the gravity... You need the force of gravity, don't you? I'm going to do it at a 45 degree angle now. Did you score?

No, it's shit. Yeah, it is. Well, that's the name of the game, my friend. I don't like it. Oh, don't throw it at me. I don't like it. Look, you're getting real physical this week. I can't get a point on it.

That's horrible. You've misogynised me. So, I'll just say, as a bit of background for your guess on the price of this, I bought it at the same time as the Post-it place. So the same place, okay. But I went to the other shop for the massager and the possible Rolf Harris dinner plate, dinner tray. Right. Placemat.

What the fuck? You can call one of those. Placemat, that's great. I was looking for the word placemat I think placemat's good enough for it It is a sort of placemat isn't it Well it's like a Something you serve the hot dishes on

Yeah Placemat Alright Placemat Anyway that's my little clue Wink wink So did you get it Did they amend the price

So it was like Oh yes So you bought both of them For one price Now think hard You could score extra points here How much For the utterly useless soccer-themed Pinchinko minigame? I'm going to say it was priced at about 10 or 20p,

but you got it for now because you got it with that. Boom! He's on it. Oh, my God. Yeah. So how much was it? Now, that's playing the price of shite, Paul. Well done.

You gave me a few clues with the way you set it up, but I like it. I like it. I like the way you play the game. I like it. All right. So can I put that down for free then? Yes. You were right there.

So you've scored a point there. All right. Okay. So I'm going to get a point for that. All right. Sweet. So let's start from the top. The apple thing.

Forgetting the balls for now. The little ball game. Yeah. Forget that. The price of the Apple thing was £2 Oh You said £1.50

So I'm going to get a point for that Because it was 50p out Or 50p over So I'm going to give myself that If it was £2.10 No points Okay Within 50p

Yeah Either way Alright Yeah So 50 below or 50 over And then if it's on the nose It's two points Okay fine

Mate we've been through this. So it's one point. So I've already got two points here already. Wow. The mat, place mat. You said? I said one pound. It was two.

Really? Yeah. Don't say I don't put some work in. I'm not saying you don't. I put some money in. I'm just leaving this show. I'm surprised they thought it was worth two pound of your cash. That's all I'm saying.

They're a bit steeper in that place. Very steep. And also, it's one of the only charity shops I've seen people haggling in. And it's like, well, what about the orphans? The orphans won't... What about the kids? They could do with 25p less in their life. Yeah, I mean, anyway.

So, nothing there. Nothing there. Nothing there. And finally... The last item... The massage... No, I think I'm already far out on this. The alien massage item.

Yeah, the T-1000 kitty cat thing. You said... I said 75p. I'm thinking I'm already out by quite a lot now. No, it was a pound, so you get a point there. Oh, okay, so I get a point there. Good. So out of a potential two, four, let's say six points, I got three there.

Good, well done. And you really liked the apple i'm gonna i'm gonna keep that i think you should keep it it's because you need post-it notes in your life i don't need post-it notes in my life so what are you gonna do with it then i'm gonna have to put post-its in it aren't i yeah you are otherwise what else unless unless we form a band where you know we have the matt wobble ball have that, and I can just go on the little blobby thing. I can just go like a triangle. In the coconut.

No, don't. What? Start with the coconut. Anyway. So, all right, good. So, are we starting afresh today? Yes. This is it.

So, this is ground zero for this competition. Yes. This new phase of our show. This is it. This is the overarching arc. The story. So I can ignore we made that exact same statement in episode 27 and start again right now. Yes.

All right, good. No, we're starting now. Did we do it in the last episode? We're starting now? Yeah, I think we did. Look, the point is, is that we never listen back to our shows, so we don't care. You have to get the shite. I will get the shite for next time, I promise.

So two episodes from now, I'm on it. All right, good. Now, I've been listening to a very good podcast lately called The Dollop, and this section of the show is me ripping that idea off completely. And not being as funny. Not being anywhere near as funny,

but in our own particular way, I think we'll make a unique point of this. Now, actually, what this came out of was actually down to the fact that we do the cheap show. We talk about cheap things and how to save money or how to cut back or looking at the cheap things that are actually worth your time and money. But I was thinking we never really talk about people who in themselves

are cheap. So I did a bit of research. I was like, who in the UK when history, for that matter, was a real proper miser, skinflint, you know, low down, dirty little monkey. Scrooge McDuck? You know what? You're not too far away, actually.

We'll get to that towards the end, but Eli, you may have accidentally stumbled in your own fat-headed way onto the secret mystery behind this story. Okay. All right? So, I did some research online, and this one sprang out at me because he really was a miser In more ways than one Alright

So I went to a website Called Nitarama And they had the full story on there So I'm going to read it And I want your feedback As we go And let's just see how we go Okay so

Here's the guy John Ullers Is it How do you pronounce it E-L-W-E-S Ullers Ullers Ullers

Like you know Carrie Ullers The actor who's in Saw and Robin Hood Men in Tights Ullers Ullis Like you know Carrie Ullis The actor who's in Saw and Robin Hood Men in Tights Ullis Ullis And Princess Bride

Ullis No No Read out What else is spelled E-L-W-E-S Yeah it's Elwes Elwes

John Elwes John Born in 1718 Yeah I don't think Anyone's going to notice That edit Was born John Meggert Well then, just call him John Meggert

He'd probably change his name What's the point of that? It's not Ilves Anyway John Meggert That's also weird, what's Meggert? It's like maggot, but Australian Meggert, mate, you've got a huge maggot in your ear.

You've got a huge maggot in your ills. Anyway, he was orphaned at an early age. His father, a wealthy London brewer named Robert Maggot. You ever drink maggots? I wouldn't drink maggots. No, I wouldn't drink them. Maggot stout. Anyway, his dad died when the boy was only four.

His mother, Amy Oolovs... Oh, that's it. He took his mum's name. Strange. Mystery over. I guess. If you had to go between... Just read two lines down and then the fucking mystery's over.

So if you had to pick between two surnames, like Smith and Twat Hammer, you'd probably go for Twat Hammer. Yeah, I would go for Twat Hammer. Yeah. Well, no, mate. twat hammer you'd probably go for twat hammer yeah i would go for twat hammer yeah uh well no no more like sort of you know uh rudderu something yeah unpronounceable or something that sounds like a small creature or cockroach cockroach yeah so um anyway so amy uh his mother died not too long after his father and when when she died, the family fortune, an estimated £100,000,

which today is £29 million. Big time. So it was a lot of money back then. He passed it on to her son, John, our hero of the story. John was educated at the Westminster School, an exclusive boarding school for wizards and witches in Westminster Abbey, London. It wasn't for wizards and witches. It wasn't. I was just making a Hogwarts joke. I don't know.

He spent more than a decade there, and then he lived in Switzerland for a few years before returning to England. Right. No information of what he did in Switzerland at all. Probably looked at some clocks. Clocks, chocolate, went skiing. We are so... Was ambivalent about politics. Yeah.

Had a weird democracy. Yeah. He was in... When he was in his late 20s and 30s, Meggett gave little hint of the man he would become. He was well-dressed, spent money freely, and moved along London's most fashionable circles. He'd divert a taste for French wines and fine dine.

Ah, this wine! Mwah! He went to Switzerland, not Paris. They speak French in Switzerland. All right. They do. All right. All German.

All German, depending on which... Oh, this wine. This wine. Yeah, it is... This French wine is delicious, and I spend money. I spend the money. I like the money. I spend it.

I'm maggot man. I have the maggot money. Don't laugh at my maggots. Don't laugh at my maggots. Don't laugh at my little maggot. He was a skilled horseman and fox hunter. He had a passion for gambling, he bet, and often lost thousands of pounds

in card games. I just don't care. Money is like shit to me. It's like life. You put it on the roulette wheel. Yes. You think you got a full house. It's nothing to me. Bring me some more wine.

Wine. Where's the fox? I shoot the fox, you little... Shoot the fox while I drink the wine. Anyway. So what happened? Something happened. Well, obviously something had to happen to him.

Otherwise he would just be a rich man. I thought maybe it's because his parents, you know, the miserliness came from the fact that his dad was an orphan. Well, yeah, he was an orphan at quite a young age, wasn't he? How old was he when his mum died? Well, it doesn't really say, but he was young. He was young, yeah. His dad died when he was four, and so let's just say he maybe was six or seven when his mum died.

So you're six and seven. Pretty tragic. Here's a load of fucking money. I'm going to go to Switzerland and live the horse ride. Be a bon vivant. And drink wine. And gamble, mother. And shoot foxes.

I hate them. Yes. They look at me with a funny wink. So anyway, here's what happened to Meggett. Unfortunately for Meggett, hoarding money seems to have run in the family, at least on his mother's side. If contemporary accounts are to be believed, Amy, the mother, went to her early grave because she refused to dip into the family fortune to buy food and literally starved herself to death. You see, that's fucked. That's weird. Isn't it? Oh, I'm so hungry.

Oh, I'm dying. Oh, what could I do to completely solve this problem? What resource do we have to maybe help? You know what I mean? Just bizarre. Just very odd. That's really strange. Yeah, strange. Her brother, Harvey, so the mother had a brother called Harvey.

Her brother Harvey was a miser in his own right. He lived on a country estate inherited from his father's side of the family. And though he would grow his inheritance to more than £250,000, which is about £72 million today, he allowed his estate itself to fall into ruin. Ruin. The manor house roofs leaked and rainwater stained the crumbling walls. Broken windows were repaired with paper and the furniture was infested with worms.

Meggots. Meggots. Well, in more ways than one. Yeah, special kind of meggot. I don't understand that logic, though, to have that much money and just go, I'm not going to fucking fix it. I'm not going to pay someone to fix it.

I'll suffer. I don't want to. I don not going to pay someone to fix it. I'll suffer. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't like it. What's the fucking point of that? Well, yeah. Perhaps he's just lazy

or insane. Oh, get this. You're going to love this. I think you might have been close with the second one. Rather than buy his own clothes,

Uncle Harvey wore the old clothes of dead relatives who left him his fortune. Wow. Yeah. And like his sister, he also hated buying food. What is their fucking problem?

Oh, food. It's such a waste of money. Sustenance. It's overrated. Papa, I wish to eat and wear clothes. You don't know what you've got going for you, son. Yeah. You fucking...

Put on your dead grand fucking bra. Put on the bra. I know it's got bits of hair in it get those clumps of your dead mother's head out of the bra and have a chew there you go, you don't need food suck on your old dead relative's clothes you want something to eat

get it down here he spent his days wandering around the estate hunting partridges and small game that he could eat for free right, so he ate yeah, but he wouldn't buy food he would go out and just wrestle a party to the ground and break its neck. Scream at the sky.

And then feast on its bloody entrails. So Uncle Harvey's, yeah, he's kind of cool. No, he's not cool. He's a fucking cuckoo man. On cold evenings, he kept warm by pacing back and forth in the great hall of his drafty mansion rather than waste wood on a fire. He was too cheap to marry he lived like a hermit for more than 50 years to

avoid the expense of company and not surprisingly he produced no heirs to his fortune he was miserable bastard really was wasn't he yeah i mean he sounds like you but without the cash so i can understand that you know you're not gonna hairs, are you? I've got hairs all over me. Oh, it, oh, it, oh, it, it, oh, it, oh, it. Pun time, pun time. It's the Eli Comedy Hour. Hey, I make puns. Derp.

Right, okay, so Dinners with Uncle Harvey is the next chapter. Since Harvey had no children, John hoped to inherit his uncle's fortune. He's already got a bit of money, but he wants more. So he cannot spend it. Yeah, and that's why in 1751 he changed his last name from Megget to Ullors to ensure his uncle that the family name would survive him.

There you go. Mystery solved. We've already solved the mystery twice. We're learning the mystery as we go. It's not so much a mystery as an ongoing story. Right. All right? And mystery is if you get to the end. We still didn't know why he changed his name we now know now we know he was after his after the

money of his money yeah so what did he do sort of try and suck up to him go look do you like this jacket yeah got it off a corpse yeah just uh yeah shot a partridge yeah didn't pay anything for this yeah it's not bad it fits me allridge. Yeah, didn't pay anything for this. Yeah, it's not bad. It fits me all right. Yeah, corpse wear. Yeah, corpse chic. That's what it is. I'm vetted corpse chic. So that's also why Ullawalus visited his uncle regularly

and pretended to share his miserly ways. So he started ingratiating himself with his uncle's behaviour. Oh, uncle. I love it. I really love it, uncle, when you wear dead people's clothes. You know what? I'm really... Oh, I'm cold.

You know what I'll do? I'll pace up and down some stately home. Yeah. I really like the way you don't like people. It's really nice. I really like that. Yeah, I hate you. Before arriving at his uncle's estate,

where the meals were certain to be meagre, he'd drop in on friends... It's probably like a piece of raw partridge yeah picking out the bits of lead maybe maybe like a like a dandelion all mashed up yeah with spit anyway he'd drop in on friends before he got to his uncle's place and eat there all right so be like hey it's me how you doing yeah i'm just going to see my uncle can I eat can I eat something odds are I'm not going to get a meal out of this

is that alright my uncle he's not big on sustenance and basic basic needs and then what he'd do is he'd stop at a roadside inn

to change out of his fashionable clothes and into tatted rags and then went on to his own course did he rub some corpse on yeah he probably was like get the corpse smell on there. Is that a rat?

Is that a dead rat in your kitchen? Can I just rub it on my face? Harvey always gives us a sniff. He tries to make sure that... If he gets a sniff of lavender, I'm out of the cash loop. Yeah. For dinner,

Uels and his uncle... Why can't I just call him Robert? I'm just going to call him Robert. John. I'm going to call him John. Call him whatever you like, Paul. His name is John. It's John, yes.

So for dinner, John and his uncle Harvey ate whatever fish, partridges or other game Harvey had managed to kill that day. It doesn't sound that bad. You prepare it well. The partridge is tasty. Yeah, potentially. The fish is tasty. As they ate, they talked about money and how others wasted it. There they would sit, saving souls with a single stick upon the fire and worth one glass of wine occasionally betwixt them,

talking of the extravagance of their time. So they sit there and go, fucking people. People wasting money. People wasting money. They eat porridge and they don't even water it down with their own urine and cement. Do you want a sip of my wine?

No. Why? You're pissed at it. Yeah, to make it last. Right, yeah. I do then, yeah. Yeah, to make it last. Right, yeah. I do then, yeah. Yeah, of course you do. John's friend and biographer Edward Topham wrote,

when evening shut, they would retire to rest as going to bed saved candlelight. Yeah. So what they would do is when it got dark, it was like, bad? Yeah. Want to put the candle on? Nah, bad. Nah, don't waste that wax. Let's sit in the dark.

That's half a farthing every metre of candle. Let's sit in the dark that's half a farthing every meter of candle let's sit in the dark not talk and stink of death yeah so the family footsteps chapter next john's years of toadying paid off when harvey died in september 1763 he left his nephew now in his late 40s his entire fortune john was now worth over £350,000. It's the equivalent of more than 100 mil today. Shows what I know about money. Shows what I know. You know nothing. All maths.

Good point. I think maths is probably my weakest point. I'm not a big maths man. You're not a maths guy. I'm not a maths guy. I'm more of a lover. I'm more of a je t'aime. I can add. I can subtract. So that's where we we differ you can add and subtract and i get the minge i get the love if you want to refer to it as that i get such sweet kisses you're so obsessed you've already come on my back while massaging me

can we just get on with the story man yeah all right okay so by then john had assumed most of his uncle's habits but not all of them he still had expensive tastes like this weird mind set well i guess if you start he started faking it he started out making it yeah you know but and then it infested him this kind of craziness because there's a probably a part of his brain that went oh this makes sense why why light a candle why why not share a glass of wine rather than have two glasses of wine each why not have never talked to someone and just pace around like a nut why not shit on people who give back to society you know why not do all those things a normal human being does he still had expensive tastes but as long as someone else paid the bill he was happy to

indulge them gorging himself at other people's tables as he warmed himself free by their fires and food so when he was around yours he's like oh yeah mate i'll have another sausage i'll have them, gorging himself at other people's tables as he warmed himself free by their fires and food. So when he was around yours, he was like, oh yeah, mate, I'll have another sausage. Yeah. I'll have another drink. Yeah. I'll have another sausage and a drink.

And stick another log on the fire. Yeah. How many candles do you want on? Let's put ten on. Yeah. And then it was like, hey, John, we've come round to your place. Yeah, sit in the fucking dark and eat my partridge. Sit in the room with no roof.

Yeah. He's a raw rat. Don't light that candle! Get that light out! Anyway, so, he loved to gamble, huge sums of money in card games, he gladly lent huge sums to friends and associates when asked,

no matter how frivolous the purpose. That's strange. He's not a miser. It's weird to kind of go, no, I'm drawing a hard and fast line, but yet give money away for gambling purposes. He's got respect for the gamble. However, there's a twist.

Is sex change? No. I mean, that would be a big twist. That would be a big twist. But it's not the twist it off. The root. Anyway, if a borrower defaulted, John also... Would go and kill him. No.

With his bare hands. No, listen, said he never demanded repayment, explaining that it was impossible to ask a gentleman for money. Mate, I'm going to go round there. I could be cold for a night. Yeah. I've been playing this poker tournament. It's 100,000 buying. How much do you want? Let me just count it out for night. Yeah. I've been playing this poker tournament. It's a hundred thousand buying. How much do you want?

Let me just count it out for you. I'll have it back for you. I'll have it back but you will never ask. No, I'm a gentleman. I'm a gentleman. I've been asked me

for it back. I never will. So I'll pay you it back. Don't worry. Oh, I'm sure you won't ask. Yeah, I trust you. Yeah. Get that castle out!

Right, so where his own comfort and material well-being was concerned, John would never part with a penny. Where once he dressed in rags only to impress his uncle, he now wore them all the time. Yeah. All the time.

Never changed his shoes because he thought if he cleaned them, he would wear out the leather faster. Yeah, well, that's true. Is it? Yeah, of course it is. On a quantum level. On a quantum level, yeah. Yeah, but...

Every time you clean something, you're wearing away. You're abrading, aren't you, the surface of the thing you clean. Friends said he looked like a prisoner confined for debt. They're good friends, isn't it? Comes round my place, dressed to the nines, gamming his money, drinking our beer. At home, looks like Fletcher from Porridge. Like his uncle, John allowed his estates to fall into ruins.

He refused to buy a carriage and wondered how anyone could ever think of affording one. Riding a horse was cheaper, especially the way he did it. Before setting off on a journey, he'd fill his pockets with hard-boiled eggs so he wouldn't have to pay for meals in taverns. Oh, can you imagine his clothes full of those eggs? Oh, got an egg here. What did the horse must have thought? Fucking poor.

Mate. Come on. That poor horse, man. We all like an egg, but mate. That horse, that horse was long suffering, man. Very long.

Especially if all those eggs were cut up the other end. You know what I mean? Don't fart on me. He's so flatulent, like, he's got a two day journey. No.

He's just eating loads of eggs, man. No. Stinking of, oh. His his old shoes covered in shit yeah probably because he never washed that off no if he got a big piece of shit on his shoe he'd go no i'll keep that i'll keep that there it protects the leather yeah the shit protects the leather he rode in the soft dirt by the side of the road rather than the road itself. That's so he wouldn't have to buy horseshoes for his horse. My God, that horse must hate him. Is this how it ends? The horse is like,

I kill you, John. John always. He travelled hours out of his way to avoid toll roads. And if he needs to stop for the night, he'd find a spot by the side of the road that had lots of grass so his horse could eat for free. He's literally like the archetypal billionaire tramp yeah and slept beneath a tree to save the price of a room at the inn what are you complaining about horse what are you

complaining about oh you don't need hay eat some of that grass or an egg i'm gonna fucking kill you i need some shoes man i. I'm a horse. John's mania for frugality extended to his own family. He had two sons out of wedlock because marriages cost money. Yeah. In more ways than one. Right, fellas? Yeah.

I'm bitter. And refused to pay for their education. Putting things into people's heads, he explained, was the sure way to take money out of their pockets. Ooh. So he's basically saying, I'm not going. Ooh. An education will just cost me. Yeah. It's basically.

Yeah. But you want to gamble? Oh, gamble? Oh, yeah. You go down the coral. Here's 200,000 pounds. But here's the thing. What's the point of gambling if you don't know, I don't know, basic odds and maths and what

letters look like and shapes and colours? Yeah. So I've got, like, you can sit there with a full house. You'd be like, I've got nothing. I don't know. I've got, like you're sitting there with a full house and you'd be like, I've got nothing. I've got five pretty pictures. My dad never taught me nothing.

He didn't want to teach me nothing. I've got a picture of a family here. I fold. I can't do it. Yeah, exactly. So,

his sons, wow. In 1974, John was offered a chance to succeed a retiring Member of Parliament in the British House of Commons and accepted, providing he wouldn't have

to spend money on his campaign. He spent just 18 pence on a meal for himself and won the election wow you'd never happen like that now no politics didn't change him though during his 12 years in office john dressed as shabbily as he ever had he walked everywhere even in the rain to save the cost of sharing a coat with other mps he looked so destitute trampling around London that people often stopped him on the street and put pennies in his hand. Yeah. Oh, mate, you got a tramp coming up to you. Oh, mate, here's a couple of pence.

I bet he loved that. I bet he did it as well. I'll have that, yeah. I'll put it next to my eggs in my back pocket. Oh, the egg pocket. Oh, the eggs, egg pocket. That's another way of protecting your cash from thievery. Yeah.

No one wants to go near your stinky egg pocket. Egg alarm. If he arrived home drenched from a downpour, like his Uncle Harvey... Just shake out the eggs! Yeah, he'd shake his eggs out, which sounds weird. He'd rather sit in his wet clothes than light a fire and dry off. Mate, this guy's a miserable weirdo. Isn't he?

He's got to that point where it's just like punishment. For what? For the sake of a fire. For having money. Even though John lived frugally, he continued to generously lend friends money and invest in their speculative ventures. In all, it's estimated he lost over £150,000

in bad loans and investments. Yeah, John, I've got this idea. What is it? It's a castle. It's in the sky. Yes. Oh, in, I've got this idea. What is it? It's a castle. It's in the sky. Oh, in the sky? Very expensive. How are you going to get it up there? With magic. I've met a witch

and she's convinced you. Well, she's very convincing. She's going to magic up the castle into the air. I just need a small 3,000? 3,... £3,000? £3,000? £4,000?

Yeah, that'll do. £4,000, man. You've got the cash on you. I've got it on me right now. So, there's sign there. It's things of eggs. You're happy with egg money? I love egg money.

All right, here's some money. Tell me how it goes, by the way. I will, yeah. I won't. Yeah, you won't. Oh, I've got an idea for something Yeah what is it It's egg pockets for trousers Oh god stop

I'm in It's like a tramp's dragon's den Yeah I'm out Yeah tell me So give it to me Pitch me Well it's basically

It's trousers With sewn in egg pockets All the way down the trouser I'm in I'm in how much Couple of thousand That will save so much money On education Basically, it's trousers with sewn-in egg pockets all the way down the trouser. I'm in. How much? A couple of thousand. That will save so much money on education.

Oh, dear. By the mid-1780s, though, even though he had all these bad loans and stuff, he was giving out investments and gambling money, he did have over one million quid in his account. Yeah. Which, now, we're talking £290 million. In the 1980s?s no 1780s oh you've been saying 19 no i haven't been saying 19 flipping well have if right i'm editing this right now probably paul and already you've realized that you have been saying 19 i apologize i'm going to use the word 17 right now and edit it back in okay Okay. 17. I won't be asked to do it,

but I'm just covering the bases right now. Right, so this is, it's in the 18th century. Yes. Okay. So in 1784, John retired from Parliament

rather than spend the pittance on what should have been a certain re-election. With the distraction of public life gone from his life, his penny-pinching intensified. His diet suffered most of all.

On one occasion, He's doing what his mum did. Yeah. On one occasion, he ate a dead bird that a rat had dragged out of the river. Don't waste it. What? You're leaving that? Mr. Ratty, you're leaving that there?

You're going to love this one then. On another occasion, he caught a fish with a partially eaten smaller fish in its stomach. And then he said, ah, this is like killing two birds with one stone and ate them both. Sort of. Yeah, you see, that's a metaphor, John, for like, you know, when you get double what you asked for. You are eating half-digested fish out of another fish. Oh, God. On those rare occasions...

I'm saving money with this half-digested cod. It's a bit bony. It's like a turducken. It's a fish within a fish within a fish. It's a natural turducken. Yeah. I ate an old woman once because she swallowed a fly. Oh, quids in.

On a rare occasion when John bought lamb or other meat from the butcher, he bought the... Could you stuff some half-decomposed lamb inside that lamb? I've got a taste for it now. Have you got any rotting... If you could get a rat to sort of just drag it out of a river. Oh, mwah. He used to like fine wines.

Yeah. And now he's eating rat leftovers. Yeah. Rat porridge. Rat goo. He's eating, like, birds that are rejected by vermin. Yeah. Gross.

On the rare occasion that he bought an animal He bought the whole animal and ate every bit of it Chewy perineum You've got to remember this, right? This was before refrigeration And so he'd make it last Chewy rank perineum Apparently this meant he often ate the meat

That had reached the last stage of putrefaction Whoa Meat that walked about on his plate, he would continue to eat rather than have new things killed before the old provision was finished. Wow, he was disgusting. He would rather eat squirming maggot meat

than just go out and buy a sausage. Yeah. That's disgusting. He is really horrible. John had inherited several properties in London and he added to their number until he owed more than 100. Okay, so I'll just narrow this down because I know this story. This part of the story, basically, he said he would rent a house.

He rent loads of houses. And then to save money on his own living costs, he would just live in the houses that weren't being rented at that time. So like, you know, number 53 Carve Bricks Lane. Is that free? Yeah. I'll just go sit there in the dark with my housekeeper. He had a housekeeper

that he would barely pay but they would travel around together. Oh wow. And just like crash. What's that person's story? What motivated them?

Dear diary, I'm fucking depressed. I ate a half dead maggot with a cat in its mouth. A maggot with a cat in its mouth? The other way around.

Right. It was a big maggot. That is a big ferocious maggot. I ate a cat with a rat in its mouth? The other way round. Right. It was a big maggot. That is a big, ferocious maggot. Cat killer. I ate a cat with a rat in its mouth, scurrying with maggots. It was a three-course meal.

So, yeah, he would spend just one or two nights in one of these places, and he'd pack their things and move on to the next vacant property that he owned. He's nuts. Although it nearly cost him his life. Once he and the maid both fell deathly ill at the same time, although nobody knew where they were.

So he was in this flat. Cole goes, oh, I'm dying! Yeah, it could be that completely off lamb intestine that you were sucking on, you know? Luckily for John, his nephew went looking for him and found the boy who'd seen a poor man enter one of John's properties on Great Marlborough Street. The nephew rushed there and found him near death.

It was too late to save the maid. Bloody hell. Her body was found in another room. What are you doing with the body? Don't throw it out. Om nom nom nom. You know, I'll bury it. I'll deal with that. You don't have to worry about that. No, she's quite fresh.

Does she need that dress? She doesn't need it. I'll have that dress. She'd been dead for two or three days oh man eventually john recovered physically from the ordeal but his mental state already declining due to his lifestyle and advancing age got worse his obsession with money narrowed until he became fixated on the change he had in his pocket he'd wrap each coin in a piece of paper and hide it somewhere in the room and then stay up half the night wandering around the house in an agitated state, trying to remember where he'd hidden his coins. Wow. Crazy

fucking stuff. In time, he came to believe that the money was all he had in the world, and he was terrified of dying penniless. So he thought his whole fortune was scattered in bedrooms and houses around his property. Well, he started it. Stop wrapping it up and hiding it. Stop fucking

making your life one big treasure hunt of misery. Weirdo. He often woke in the middle of the night screaming at imaginary thieves. I want my money! Nobody shall rob me of my property! He'd scream. There's nobody there, John. In November 1789, John fell ill and took to his bed. He died eight days later.

I hope I have left you what you wish, he told one of his sons before he died. And he probably did. Each of them inherited over half a million pounds, which in today's money was 145 million quid. Yeah, so they did all right. Now, they had to put up with a lot of stuff. He died like he lived. Miserably.

Miserably. Edward Topham was a friend of his. We counted some of his life. In the 1790s, he wrote The Life of the Late John Ills Esquire The book was a bestseller With 12 reprintings by 1805 It's Elwes It's Elwes

We're in this deep now We're in this deep Why correct me? Because Megget The book's success inspired books and paintings And Megget soon became a household name Once synonymous with penny-pinching.

Right. So, you know, all right, build round the corner. He's such an ooz. He's such an ooz. Yeah, it didn't catch on, though, did it? It didn't catch on, because no one could fucking pronounce it. What? What about the Scrooge McDuck connection?

Oh, here we go. Right. Charles Dickens knew the story and mentioned John both in letters and in his 1865 novel Our Mutual Friend Although apparently never saying so explicitly Dickens is widely believed to have modelled

Scrooge on that character The miser in A Christmas Carol The artwork in the very first edition of the story Printed in 1843 bears this out Dickens worked closely with illustrators To create images of his characters That were exactly as he envisioned them. And the illustrations of Scrooge

bear very strong liking to John Ewells. There you go. And that's the story of the biggest penny pincher known to man. I quite enjoyed that, Paul. So you're going to bring us another story next time? Nope. Why not?

I might do. Go on. I might do, I might not. You could, yeah, there must be other... Stop getting sexy. I'm a. Go on. I might do, I might not. You could, yeah, there must be other... Stop getting sexy. I'm a bit horny. Well, I don't need to know, you know? Yeah, I know.

So, that was good, I like that. Did you like that story? I like that story, thanks. Could you learn a few lessons from it? Yeah. Don't eat dead things. Don't wear the clothes of dead things. And draw the line with gambling.

Yeah. You know, pretty obvious morals. He had a big sort of leak there. You know, it's like he's saving money on every aspect. But tossed his cash off on jollies and follies. Yeah. Weirdo. So. Yeah. I've got a little bit now. Oh, have you?

Yes, it's another instalment in my semi-regular yeah bit yes eli's cut price life hacks so yeah this is deep yeah and it could change your life okay i like this so you know when you go to a pub yeah and they've got those wooden slat tables and they've got the hole in the middle where you put the umbrella in did you know

that hole you seem very proud of yourself already with this that hole you can fuck well you can but you wouldn't

want to do it is exactly the right shape and size as a circle to put in one of those dipping pots you get in pizzas

that's fascinating that's my hack to put in one of those dipping pots you get in pizzas. That's fascinating. That's my hack. Wait, hang on. So you put the sauce in there. You've got the special sauce thing. Yeah, that's fine. You know what?

I'm on board with you with that little pot. You can put it in there and it fits perfectly. Put the pot in. Right, that's great. How's it a life hack? You've hacked it. No, how? Oh, I'm going to the pub.

I need some... I need to dip. I need to order a pizza, have it delivered to my house, then bring the pizza and the little pot of cream with me. Pot of cream? Whatever it is, little pot of sauce.

Dipping sauce? Dipping sauce with me. Garlic and herb? To a very particular bench just to put it in. And then I could dip shit in it. Right, but... Again.

And I've hacked my life. I've modded up my life. I would rather have been like, oh, by garden furniture, you can turn it into a fancy pizza table. That's bullshit, man. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did not know. Look, you're not the hack. You're not the life hack expert. You're hardly the

fucking hack king yourself. That's gonna go down in history as one of the best hacks ever. That's gonna go down in history as one of the worst hacks ever. That's going to go down in history as one of the worst suggestions and most protracted things to do with pizza pots. You just stick your sauce in there, you're ready to go. I've got a tip for you. Yeah? If you're going on a long horse journey...

Eggs. Eggs in your pocket. You don't have to stop at expensive happy eaters or whatever. You're going on a long car trip. Just get some eggs. Save money on our service station sandwich. Eggs. And you know toilet roll tubes?

If you get like a kitchen roll tube, the tall ones, you can stack about four eggs in that. You can. Just go, take your eggs, go to the pub, stick your little pre-ordered

pot of dipping sauce in the hole where the umbrella goes. Eggs. Jobs are good then. Jobs are good then. We've reached a compromise.

And that's the end of Cheap Show episode 28. 28. Yeah, 28. Two more away from 30. That's maths. Yes, 28. Two more away from 30. That's maths.

Yes. Well done. Well done, Paul. If you've enjoyed this podcast and we hope you do please spread the word. Like, subscribe

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Cheap Show. You type it in. That's what you do. Subscribe. And it comes straight into your phone or your media player the minute we release a brand new episode. Easy. You can listen to us. Whatever you want.

Paul makes wank jokes. Yeah. Someone said, I do not like listening to the early episodes because the live shows aren't as good. Really? Someone said that. And I said, you know what, mate? Thanks for the feedback. I didn't get into it with him, to be

honest. I didn't want to cause a fight. He was listening. He's a subscriber. I like the early live episodes. I want to do more. And hopefully we've got one on the way. Oh yeah? What's that? Well, I'll have to put it on the website, but I think we're doing MCM Expo at the end of October. So look out for that, everybody. Look out for that, everybody. Yes.

There'll be details on the website, which is www.thecheapshow.co.uk. And every episode has a dedicated web page with pictures and images and videos and soundbites and this, that and the other. And will they be able to see the shite from this? They will. And the records and all that kind of stuff. So, yes, it's your one-stop shop for all cheap show fun. And also, Barshens every Friday.

We're on that. Well, you're on and off that every other week. I'm on it. So subscribe to that as well. That's a YouTube channel, by the way, everybody. Well, look, they probably know. Anyway, YouTube, Barshens, Cheap Show Podcast. Subscribe, rate, review us. That's how

we grow our brand and get out there and how people know we exist. That's how I grow my dick. Oh! You see, you knocked me for doing wank jokes. I know, I'm sorry. Right, okay, thank you. That's another episode of Cheap Show on the way out the door.

We're done here. And, Eli, any parting words? Goodbye. Thanks for sticking with us. Anything witty? No. Right, good. Bye.