CheapShow - Ep 29: Skypemare

Episode Date: October 27, 2016

It was supposed to be our Halloween special... It was supposed to be a simple Skype call... It was supposed to be fun and spooky... It didn't work out that way. Something horrible happened. Does anyone know who @Sweeetassss29 is? Help. Please Help Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hi, this is Paul Gannon. I just wanted to do a quick message before this episode starts. This was meant to be a Halloween special, but unfortunately, as you'll find towards the end, things didn't quite pan out. If anyone can help following the ending of this podcast, can you please just get in touch with us at thecheapshowpod? We're looking to find sweetass29 and ask her a few questions. Anyway, I'll just put the episode on now, and if anyone can help, please get in touch with us via our website, Twitter, or Facebook page. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. This is Paul Gannon, and we're doing a special spooky Skype Halloween version of Cheap Show.

Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, actually, we had to do it over Skype because we couldn't get the studio time, unfortunately. So we're making do, just so we can have something special for you. Do you like Halloween? Are you looking forward to Halloween, Mr Silverman? I'd have to say it's my favorite festival of the year really yeah you don't have to do anything do you no you don't do anything you can just sort of i don't know eat a pumpkin or something yeah that is um usually what people like to do at halloween they like to do nothing and eat pumpkins

yeah and you know you don't do anything and it's kind of like some horror films and stuff, you know? Yeah, it is. It is like some horror films and stuff. I love the horror films when nothing happens

and a man sits alone and eats a pumpkin on Halloween night. It's my favourite horror film, that. It's called Attack of the Eli. Oh, what a great horror film that would be. So I'm alone,

sitting, in my house alone, eating a pumpkin and then and then i hear the rap of eli the rap of eli yeah oh i'm eli here and i'm coming along i'm gonna scare you with my super thong i'm gonna come and get you go on your hair and i'm gonna tear it out and then all the people will shout including including women who love me. Mate, I would blow my fucking brains out if I heard that outside my door on Halloween. You said the rap, didn't you? I'm trying.

I know, but I meant like rapping on the door, you know, like the Raven. Rap, rap, rapping. Rapping on the door. On the chamber door. Not knocking, you mean? Not rap, rap. No, it's rap, rap, rapping. I'm pretty sure it's rap, rap, rapping. What, like Roland Rapp? Rapping gently on my chamber door not not meant not knocking you mean not rap rap no it's rap rap rapping i'm pretty sure it's not like rolling rapidly on my chamber door what like that guy i'm rapping now no i'm rapping i'm rapping i'm rapping i don't think it's that i don't think um poe edgar allen

poe invented no he didn't or maybe or maybe he did. Maybe the Raven was the first free-form eight-mile. Doubt it. Anyway, how are things with you, anyway? Well, I'm sick. Oh, we've known that for years, though. Can you be more specific? I have fever. Oh, the sexy fever like Peggy Lee used to sing about? No, more like the sort of viral fever.

Oh. Oh, poor you. Yeah, it's all right, though. You know, I'm getting some love from the internet. Are you? Oh, bless you. You mean the online medical doctor? No, there's this girl.

I've been chatting to her. I'm sorry. She's a fan of Barshan's. Hang on, sorry. Go back a bit. How did this start? You're chatting to her. First of all, is it not a bot?

No, it's not a bot. I don't think it's a bot. All right, well, tell me more about her. Well, she got in touch on Twitter. Yeah. She's a fan of the podcast and Barshens, and she seems pretty nice. Okay, what's her handle?

I'll check her out. Sweetass27. At Sweetass27. Let me have a quick look. Let me have a look. All right. Don't be put off by the handle, by the way. She said something about that.

What was it? It's like a reference to something then? Yeah, it's not because she's like a prostitute or something. Mate, I can't find it online. I can't find it online. I can't find her on Twitter. SweetSWEETASS29. Yeah.

I'm not getting it. Okay, so at this point I need to ask if you're just bullshitting me. Why would I do that, man? Come on. Because you're sad and lonely, mate. That's why. I'm not that sad or lonely. I've had girlfriends.

Plural. That's good. Not that sad or lonely. I've had girlfriends. Plural. That's good. In the past. And also, sometimes people want to have sex with me. Oh. So what's she been saying then? Well, she's just... What about... Go on.

She's saying she loves the show. She loves Barshens. And she's like... She's... So what video do you think gave her the pants fizz? Was it the one where you had your mouth restrained by that stirrup thing? Speculum, get it right. All right, was it that?

The stirrup's for the other end, mate. Stirrup for your feet. All right, all right, shut up. All right, what about... Was it the King of Plasticine? I think the King of Plasticine. She likes when I get bossy. Was her lower parts frothing like a rabid dog?

I don't know. She hasn't been like that, Paul, because frothing... I hate to break it to you, but people getting frothy is basically your thing. Other people don't get all into the metaphor of froth, of fizz, when it comes to genitals. You, that's your area, you know? All right, I'm sorry, I take it back. All right. Jesus.

Can't I just have one bright spark, you know? One bright thing in my dark, dark life. Yes, mate. Yes, you can. I'm sorry, I shouldn't take it away from you. No. So, sweetass29, yeah? Yeah. And she you can. I'm sorry. I shouldn't take it away from you. No. So, sweet ass 29, yeah? Yeah.

And she likes you? She certainly does. How old is she? I haven't got that far, but, you know. Mate, you have heard of, like, the worst case scenarios when it comes to online dating. I don't want to have to bail you out or be a witness at your forthcoming prison trial. Listen, I'll make sure that everything's kosher before it goes further.

Okay? I just thought, you know. Alright. I just thought I'd mention that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's shitty of me to shit on something that you're excited about. Exactly. I'm just concerned that... You get all frothy about shitting on my excitement, don't you? I'm just concerned that A, she doesn't exist, or B,

that she exists and she's a great big fat dude living alone with his mum. Although that means, obviously, not living alone. But, you know, living with his mum. With his mum's dead, yeah. I'm playing a lot of Skyrim and he's bored and toying with you. That's all. I'm just trying to protect you, mate. Okay.

That's all I'm saying. All right. Anyway, Halloween special yay so one of the things we like to do on Cheap Show is recommend things that are cheap obviously and Halloween can be an expensive

time of the year apparently it's one of the most expensive times of the year it's just behind Christmas in terms of how much money we spend what? yeah seriously it's the second most expensive I guess public holiday I don't know if you can call it that but um we spend it most on sweets and costumes and decorations that is surprising really oh in the uk it is but you don't have to get presents for anyone do you though you just have to get a costume yeah but you gotta remember it's all the shit candy you buy yeah and the stuff for trick or treat or you know if know, if you're really into it, I can see you spending a lot of money for Halloween.

Yeah, but I would have, still, having said that, I would have thought Easter would have been, pipped it, but, oh, who knows. No, we're more godless now in this country than ever, it's great. I thought we'd do a bit of a service to people who want to go all out for halloween and yet can't afford to so i found online on a website called living on the cheap.com a list of 96 but i'm not obviously going to do all 96 96 costumes you can make for halloween on a budget of mere pounds or pence yay i will tell you them and you'll have to guess the cheap alternative right so here's an easy one to get you started okay eli a mummy costume how can you do that on the cheap toilet paper yeah bang on that's exactly what it says it says toilet paper a lot of it wrap yourself from head to toe in toilet paper avoid using the bathroom or getting wet

yeah which is a good point you don't want to go to a Halloween costume and then realise, A, well first of all you've got a nice little wet patch right by your dinkle that would be terribly embarrassing wouldn't it pissy mummy or even worse, you want to go pee or if you want to go to the toilet and you can't because you've wrapped yourself too tightly in bog paper well at least if you shat yourself you'd have something to clean up the mess with

yeah, you could just unravel to clean up the mess with. Yeah, you could just unravel your leg and clean it up. Yeah, but anyway, if you turned up to a Halloween party with that, that as a costume, no one's going to give you any respect ever. Do you know what I mean?

No. In pissy, shitty toilet paper wrapped around. No, that would be truly horrific. Imagine if you had diarrhoea. I don't have to imagine, Paul. Oh, sorry. Got a bit personal again. All right, OK, zombie.

Chalk. That's a very, very narrow way of describing height. How would you... You rub some chalk on your face. Oh, for the pallid complexion. And ketchup. Ketchup, obviously, yeah, for blood. Yeah. Also,. Ketchup, obviously. Yeah, for blood.

Yeah. Yeah. Also, it says for clothing, just put any old clothes that don't fit you anymore. Just mug a tramp. Just go and mug a tramp. There you go. Mug a tramp. Beat them up.

Obviously, the blood splatter will splash onto you, giving you the zombie feel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's good. I think, actually, rather than just do what

they're saying just just mug a tramp and then instant zombie costume or if you want tramp costume or you could just uh take a large amount of sedatives and half a bottle of vodka and uh and then turn up to the party like that and you'd be very zombie like wouldn't you just fall asleep you know you would and possibly die and then you'd be very zombie-like, wouldn't you? Just fall asleep, you know. You would, and possibly die, and then you could be a ghost and a corpse at a party. You know, they've got to think outside the box here. So what did they say?

They said for the clothes, what did they say? Any old tat that you've got lying around in drawers that doesn't fit or is torn or needs to be thrown out, just put that on. Oh, this sounds like a terrible list. Well, there's 96 of them and I'm not going to do all of them. As if you were sitting there and you're thinking oh, I cannot imagine

how I would make a cheap zombie uniform, you know? Costume, rather. But some people aren't as wise as us and we're here to help you see through the gaps in the logic. Okay. Alright, next one. Scary ghost.

A sheet? Yeah. Oh, my God. But you've got to be very careful not to look like a clan member. Does it say that? Yeah, no, but it's worth considering. You don't want a pointy sheet? Your ghost should be smooth and dome-like at the top and not pointy.

That's very true. Also, if you can maybe not put swastikas on it and carry a flaming torch, that helps. Yeah, don't do the flaming torch thing. Unless, obviously, you want to go as a clan member, in which case, there you go, a sheet. That's it. I mean, that's one of those bad taste Halloween things, isn't it? Or you could go as a ghost of a clan member and it's a two for one but you know that's what keeps happening in our world

doesn't it? Year after year Halloween there's always some guy who goes as a Nazi or goes as a Jihadist Trayvon Martin yeah that was really bad every time something horrible happens that year Halloween means someone dresses up as it So when Trayvon Martin was shot

Someone put a hoodie on Covered themselves in bullet holes and blacked up White guys It's always white guys Fucking simpletons Skeleton costume Have a chicken Have a chicken and then sellotape

The carcass to your torso It's not what they've got written down here but that's also good You could also dig up a body and just tape that to your body That's not that cheap You've got your tools It's more work, labour intensive

You've got to scope out the cemetery Stay up all night You need to go for an older cup so look for gravestones where the body's been in there since the 70s maybe early 80s there's the right kind of decompose uh what's the word i'm looking for decomposure decomposure is that a word no no stop just parroting everything i say i won't parrot everything you say decomposition decomposition excellent thank you. We got there in the end.

Do you think the 80s, that's a bit recent, isn't it? No. What about one from the 1800s? Yeah, I guess. But you know what, it's probably going to be a safer bet going for that. I'm just thinking about how much Gru is involved. So there's quite a lot of good and blut. God and bluts. Good and bluts.

Good and bluts. Shut up. You don't want any chance of there being any stuff. We just want the bones. Yeah. The answer that they gave was very simple.

Wear raggedy clothing, similar to a zombie, but this time wipe the face up and kind of draw the skeleton on your eyes. Oh, they are talking out of their arse. Okay. How do you differentiate that? They're thinking about on a budget. They're thinking more like the bad guy from A View to a Kill, aren't they? Yeah. Not A View to a Kill. Live and Let Die.

What was that guy's name? Mr. Racist Caricature. That film scared me out though, because you know he gets shot in the head in that film, and then he dies, and then he rises out of the grave. Spoilers. Yeah, a spoiler to a 40

year old film. He reappears on the train doesn't he right at the very end yeah similar to the end of Big Trouble in Little China Little China yes

oh so that's what they ripped off good to know that big John Carpenter doesn't have a single good idea in his head that's not true

come on it's a classic no that is a classic it wasn't a classic when it came out it was a big flop and it's become appreciated over the years

yes well we loved it we were at boarding school and we got the video out and we watched it about 8 times is a classic. It wasn't a classic when it came out it was a big flop and it's become appreciated over the years. Yes. Well we loved it. We were at boarding school and we got the video out and we watched it about eight times. Yeah. What's your favourite part?

I like it when he goes Wang! Listen Wang! Like that. My favourite bits were the guy who is really formidable sees his dead mates

and rather than attack just inflates and explodes at a banger. It's got great moments great moments actually also the bit where Kurt Russell thinks he's the hero because that's the great thing about that film he's not the hero

at all he's shit all the way through but when he runs in shooting the gun and then the plaster falls down and knocks him out for the whole fight that's what everyone loves that bit I like the bit where he goes listen to me wang yeah you like wang alright the bit where he goes listen to me wang yeah you like wang all right 17 lady of the evening first of all what do you think that is prozzie prozzie all right how would you dress as a prozzie

i'd get some fishnets yeah stilettos yeah one of those pair of pvc knickers with a zip on one of those pair of PVC knickers with a zip on. Yeah, tell me more. Stop it! Will you stop getting sexy during our podcast? That's not what our listeners want to hear, mate.

Alright? I don't care what they want to hear. It's what I want to hear. And I want to hear you talking about what you'd do if you dressed up as a prostitute for one night. I'd have my hair down.

Shut up. Keep the beard. That's a bearded lady. That's a whole other category, isn't it? Yeah, it's like freak show stuff. All right. Okay, so what it says here is tight, short dresses, bustiers, fishnets, optional dollar bills and chewing gum. What?

Because obviously dollar bills, you want to stuff in your cleavage. Are they saying a lady of the night as in literally a stripper? No, as in like, no, not like that. I mean like a dirty, prozzy, but from 70s New York action films. Why is that a Halloween costume? That's just degrading. Who are these people? God. I don't know.

But it says, stuff dollar bills into your breast and then hand them out. Say things like, no tricks, just all the treats you can eat. Does it actually say that? Yep. Literally word for word.

I'll give you one more. I'll give you one more, yeah? Yeah. Right, let me have a little scroll through this. I'll find a good one to end on. There we go. One of the ones they're suggesting here is Gene Simmons from Kiss. That's awful.

He used to get people to give him a blowjob while he was taking a shit. Really? Something I heard. Where did you hear that? I don't know. Maybe I made it up, but it's good, isn't it? Yeah, it's really good. It wouldn't surprise me.

He's got the longest tongue in show business apparently as well yeah also there was this documentary on Netflix about the incredible bongo band

yeah who had a song called Apache which is known as the national anthem of hip hop because it was

sampled widely in the early days of hip hop oh I did not know this and it's a documentary you know about how it was sampled and how it's extremely popular and uh it's narrated by june simmons is it of all the people yeah he's got nothing he literally nothing to do with hip-hop he's just got a silly make-believe band who are the most terrible sellouts.

You know you can literally, honestly, truthfully buy Kiss Coffins. So maybe that's why he did a documentary because someone went, here's a lot of money Gene Simmons. I know but why did they pick him? I'm not blaming him but why pick him? Because every other fucker said

no or they were running on a I don't know, running out of time. It's like getting Rick Astley to do a documentary about early jazz musicians or something. Don't you fucking slag Rick Astley off. He knows a lot about early jazz. No, he doesn't. You don't know.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know. You don't know. For the sake of the joke. Okay, here's the last one then. What do you think this is? Right. Cheap costume.

iPad. iPad? Yeah. You know, like an Apple... That's an Apple iPad. You mean as in a patch for the eye? No, as in an iPad. As in an Apple iPad?

Yeah, how would you dress as that for Halloween? Take a guess and i'll tell you what they wrote on the website get in a fucking box and paint it white no no uh they said um you need some glasses a pad of sticky post-it notes and a black marker yeah and the instructions are write ipad on one of the post-it notes and stick it to one of the lenses of your glasses. They are taking the pizzle, my friend. And what's so scary about an iPad? I mean, it's not... Well, it's just for wacky people.

Are they Americans or something? Are they like, just where it's Halloween, where it's just like, you just dress up as something. So like a policeman. It's just for wacky people. Are they Americans or something? Are they like, just where it's Halloween where it's just like, you just dress up as something. So like a policeman. It's just a costume. They're dicks.

Right. So that's, I mean, they have 90 other odd suggestions on there. Wow. I think they might be the best ones that I chose. Wow. There you go. Some suggestions on cheap Halloween wear. Let's move on to the next section of the show.

Ooh. So we're going to do Cheap Eats now. Yay. Yay. Because there's quite a lot of awful shit for Halloween when it comes to Cheap Eats. We've both got something each, didn't we, to try out. We did. So I'll let you go first. Okay.

So for Cheap Eats on this Halloween special, I've bought Mr Kipling chocolate and slime slices chocolate and slime so it's basically what

like a flapjack with some green shit well it's a chocolate slice yeah cake slice with some green shit in it the cake itself is green.

The sponge in the cake is green. I'm going to open them, get them out now. I really don't have any appetite because I'm sick, but anyway. Get it down your throat, you pig. They come in like little pears. You know what I've noticed as well?

There's quite a lot of brands available selling Halloween themed shit this year for Christmas. For Halloween. Sorry. But they're selling Halloween shit. And I look closely at the packaging and it's like Jaffa Cake spooky orange slice. And you look at it and it's like, it's just a Jaffa Cake. And you put a pumpkin on the label.

They've literally put slime, the word slime. And it probably is made from slime, isn't it? That's the ironic thing. Well, what is made from slime, isn't it? That's the ironic thing. Well, what is slime? How do you define slime? It's bio-gook. You know, it's probably like pig entrail. Well, it's meant to be.

It's meant to be ectoplasm, the form that ghosts leave behind upon appearance. Manifesting, yeah. Yeah, when they manifest. They manifest some goop yeah okay so i've got it out here oh lucky you nice slice i got my slice out you got your slice out uh by the way so i don't interrupt you but uh yes that girl is getting in touch with me now on uh facebook she's messaging me on Facebook.

Oh, wait. You added her as a friend on Facebook? Yeah. Mate, you've got to be careful about that kind of shit. She's got a hello lover, she's saying. I think I'm in there, mate. Have you checked the accounts real? Like, there are pictures of her and stuff like that.

Yeah. What does she look? She looks like a young woman. Oh, mate. In her 20s. Mate, I see a court case coming. I really woman. Oh, mate. In her 20s. Mate, I see a court case coming. I really do. No, no, come on.

Don't send it any dick pics because there's nothing more depressing than me having to go up in court and go, yes, your honour, that's his dick. As if you know. As if you'd seen it. I've seen it. All right.

Are we going to review this slice, this fucking slime slice or what? So, hang on. Before you go any further, has she said anything else? Has she said anything like... Are you there? Are you there, love? She said.

Have you replied? Yeah. Okay. What did you say? Well, she hasn't got back to me yet. I just said yes, I'm here. Oh, okay. All right.

Okay. So, all right. Just tell me what it tastes like. Okay. So... It's a little cake slice. It's got a very citrusy, lemony smell. It's a cake slice with a chocolate topping, and then it's got slime or green icing of some sort

drizzled on the top. It's made by Mr Kipling, so it's bound to be fucking awful. And the sponge inside is also green. I'm guessing lime flavoured. So I'm going to have a little taste now. Okay. All right, have a little taste. Yeah, that's quite unpleasant.

It's limey. It's limey. Not very chocolatey at all. You can hardly taste the chocolate. But it's got that kind of artificial citrus sort of flavour to it. Yeah. Oh, it's not too bad. It's cake, you know. It's cake. I mean, it's Kipling, so it's got that kind of artificial citrus sort of flavour to it. Yeah. It's not too bad. It's cake, you know. It's cake. I mean, it's Kipling, so it's going to be very

sweet, isn't it? It's very sweet, yes. Very sweet. Bollocks. Alright, okay, so out of ten, what would you give it? I'd give it a six. I'd give it a six. Okay, you know what I hear... It's not bad for the money, it's not bad, is it? No, I mean mean how much was it

a quid for six of them oh that's all right if you're having a shit party for kids throw them in a bowl fucking job done but i'm looking at the bloody you know what's giving me nightmares it's the bloody uh percentage per slice calorie count yeah the percentage per slice, the traffic light system they've got here, they're all red. Fat, red. Saturates, red. Sugars, red. Salt, red. Well, there's the horror aspect for you, isn't it?

That's the horror aspect. That's the true horror, coronary heart disease and obesity. Yeah. Yeah, kids, you've learned something today. They're not too bad, actually. Yeah, they're not too bad. It's weird, they taste like an artificial lemon sweet, but in cake form. Well, you know what I had last week? Someone sent me a box of Twinkies from Ghostbusters, so it had green innards, right?

Oh, Twinkie, yeah, slimy Twinkies. Yeah, but a bit into it, and the flavour was lime, so it was like a lime cream center i think that's what this is lime yeah yeah but you know how like the cream and twinkies are fucking awful yeah right but twinkies are just awful things man i mean it's just chemicals upon chemicals imagine adding fake lime flavor to it it was rank i couldn't eat them really i could not eat them yeah so um as a as an aside I would give those four out of ten. Well, this is getting six, this slice. It'd be nice for a cup of tea.

And just to update you, she is now asking when can we meet? Sorry, who, the girl? Yeah, sweet ass. 29. Well, that's not how I know her. Her name's Laura. Oh, it's Laura? Yeah.

Oh, I still... Hang on. I still can't see any evidence on her online. I mean, maybe I'm just not writing it down right. Your computer, to be honest, Paul, your computer doesn't seem to do anything you want it to do. No, like ever. Ever.

It never fucking wants to do anything. It takes me half an hour just to load up Skype. Yeah, so you're probably having some kind of issue there because she's real. All right. She's real. She likes me. I don't doubt for a minute that she likes you

because she's obviously got some kind of mental illness or she hates herself. She's saying she wants to meet me tonight. Well, tell her you're ill. You can't. You're recording a podcast. I'm going to have to, yeah. Yeah.

All right. I'll tell her that. She's saying, please, she's getting quite, What? Nothing.

She's getting quite filthy here. Oh, hello, sorry, go on, tell me what you're saying. She's,

well, she's intimating that she'll perform. What, haiku? perform... What? Haiku? No. What? Filet-o.

Okay, all right. Okay, good. What have you written back then? Well, nothing. I'm just... I don't know how to play this, actually, now. Mate, honestly, if I were you, just say, you know... I don't know how to play this, actually, now. Mate, honestly, if I were you, just say, you know, I don't know, honestly, personally, I would just kind of, you know, fob her off with some polite lies. I don't even know where she lives.

I don't know why she... Well, first of all, if she wants to meet tonight she either thinks she can get to tonight or she lives locally and neither of those two things sound likely so just say I wish I could but not tonight I'm busy blah blah blah

that's what you've got to write and then we can move on with this fucking show oh shit what I've just dropped my cheap eat all over my knee is it wet is it a my cheap eat all over my knee. Is it wet? Is it a wet cheap eat? No, it just... Okay, it is.

I'll tell you. Six out of ten for my slime slice, by the way. Yes, I know. You've made that fucking abundantly clear. All right, all right. I just want the listeners to be sure. That's what they listen for, the informative, you know. Yeah, I know, I know.

Sorry, let me just fish it out. It is a... I got this from Tes me just fish it out. It is a... I got this from Tesco. It's fish. This is a... It's not fish. It is a gingerbread biscuit covered with a silk,

a sweet, milky white coating. Oh, yeah. Shut up. Yeah. That's what Sweetass629 wants. Decorated with orange coloured sugar and coloured icing and it's in the shape

of a pumpkin of course yeah when I pulled it out the bag it just collapsed everywhere and fell on the floor so I've got gingerbread

sprinkles all over me don't man I'm going to take a little bite of it now I mean literally it's a gingerbread biscuit on a stick it's on a stick

so it's like a lolly it's a lolly biscuit yeah which is a stupid fucking concept well it's something gingerbread biscuit on a stick. Ah, it's on a stick. So it's like a lolly. It's a lolly biscuit. Yeah, which is a stupid fucking concept. Well, it's something that they do at all the festivals, don't they? They've got lolly biscuits at Easter. What ever happened to toffee apples? Do we just not have them anymore in this country? You don't ever see toffee apples, do you?

You never see toffee apples anymore. Have they died out? Well, I think they're quite uh difficult because the fruit goes off i would have thought or i don't know i just think i we should do bring back toffee apples hashtag yeah wow i you know before you said that i hadn't thought about that but i haven't seen a toffee apple for several years i've certainly not eaten a toffee apple since my late teens what the fuck has happened to all the toffee apples? They used to be, for me, a Halloween staple.

Yeah. And now it's all Mr Kipling's slimy slice. Yeah, bullshit. Fucking ginger biscuits. Yeah. I don't know. Fucking Haribo witch hats. Yeah.

Anyway, let me eat this fucking biscuit because just looking at it, it's putting me off. All right, eat the biscuit. All right, here I go. Oh. Oh, it's putting me off all right eat the biscuit all right here i go oh oh it's way too soft is it like a gingerbread it's a gingerbread biscuit yeah it's really soft it's like eating wet cardboard and just and it's so sweet oh make my teeth are hurting fucking hell and what the sprinkles what do the sprinkles taste like pure sugar it's dyed sugar

it's literally all it is orange sugar sprinkled over white chocolate on a gingerbread biscuit and it's so sweet and you know I like sweet stuff right this is so sweet I think I'm about to have a stroke you don't like it

I do not let me have another little bite I think I'm about to have a stroke. You don't like it? I do not. I mean, it's... Let me have another little bite. Okay. Oh. I can't do it. You know what would be good for Halloween? If you vomited.

It's fucking getting close to that. Oh. I love it when you gag, man. Thank you. You're gagging on a fucking ginger you gag, man. Thank you. You're gagging on a fucking gingerbread biscuit, mate. But with me, it's always the texture, not the flavour. If the texture doesn't appeal to me, then it puts me off. Right.

Yeah, and the fact that you're a pussy. Yeah, thank you for that. Baby food made you gag. Yeah, because it tastes like bubbly spunk as if you know i fucking do know i've had tons of spunk down my mouth i've gagged every time oh my god yeah i've gobbled it and gobbled it and gobbled it right so we need a score for uh four three three out of ten three out of ten. Three out of ten. So, the winner, by a not too impressive margin, is the Mr Kipling six chocolate and slime slices.

Yes. So, what we've learnt there is that... And actually, the packaging here, I mean, it's got like a haunted house, a witch with a cat on a broomstick a witch's hat a raven a bat a spider on a spider's web a pumpkin

a cauldron and a ghost and a black cat actually it's pretty good actually I have to say so for artwork's sake you're giving it a higher mark

yeah I'll give it 7 for the artwork excellent good to know so what we've learnt there is that by and large for Halloween people like to toss off regular shit, put some pictures on the front,

and call it Halloween special. They certainly do. And yet, and yet, the good old British toffee apple is no more. No. I think that's a valuable lesson. Right, so to end our Halloween special today, I have found seven of the most ridiculous ghost stories from around the world. Now, i'm not

gonna do all seven because it's from the website cracked and frankly i've stolen enough material today for content for this podcast you love it but i picked this list because it's got an old cheap show friend on this list that we haven't talked about since the uh eggsy podcast episode remember that yeah okay do you remember the shiremi are you shitting me you know what's great about that a clever b really really close to what this ghost's about oh is it a poo ghost no it's a fakey ghost no it's a japanese ghost they are literally empirically speaking the the scariest ghosts, the scariest nation of ghosts we've got.

Yes, because the Japanese have a very different way of looking at the supernatural. In the West, ghosts are either kind of lingering spirits of unfinished business, where in Japan, by and large, their ghost stories are more about vengeance and terror and all this kind of weird stuff. Yeah, but they're still a spirit.

I mean, it's still essentially the same thing. But you look at The Ring or The Grudge, horror films like that, and they're all based on very particular Japanese kind of horror tropes. And they're always really vengeful spirits. Except for this one. This one's unique. The Shirume, or Shirumi?

I don't know. It's something like that. Shireme. When I start telling you the story, you'll remember. In this tale, a samurai warrior is walking around Kyoto one night when he's accosted by some naked pervert, seemingly the dumbest rapist in all Japan. Before the samurai can draw his steel and carve the guy up,

the perv bends over and... Do you remember? Farts? No. He reveals he has a giant eyeball peering out of his arsehole. Okay. Yeah. And that's kind of where the story ends.

We don't know what happens to the warrior. Oh, it's the arse. The eye arse ghost, yeah. Oh yeah, the eye arse. All the kids love that, don't they? The kids look at each other's bum bums. Can you imagine dressing up like that for Halloween? What have you come as?

Well, let me just drop my trousers and show you. It'd be quite easy to do. Just stick a grape up there with a marker. They should have that on that list of cheap costumes. Yeah, they should. Or, you know, a golf ball. Well, come on, mate. Yeah.

All right, something... A grape wasn't a good idea. A grape is obviously going to break open when you try and shove it up there. Yeah, or it'll burst and pop. I would use a golf ball, or, if I was showing off, a melon. That doesn't look like an eyeball is that a squid

squid eye shirame or something yeah but I'd draw it up I'd put the you know the iris on and I'd put some red veins

around it and it would look like quite the scary eyeball why why does the ghost have an eyeball at it's arsehole well we never know

the story basically ends there we don't know what happens what does the samurai do the samurai just stands there like a wuss. I'd be getting my ninja sword. Sorry, I know that's wrong. Samurai sword.

And, you know, poking the eye. Poking the bum eye. Either way you describe that, it still sounds really fucking off. Hang on, she's... Oh, mate, can you just close the window, please? So we can just record this podcast. I don't want to.

Mate, please, just tell her that you're recording and you'll get back into it a little later. Mate, seriously, fucking knock this on the head because A, it's getting in the way of us recording this and B, you don't know who she is so just fucking leave it for now. Can we get on with this? We're nearly at the end of the show. Okay, fine. Sure am I. I like that ghost, sorry. And B, you don't know who she is, so just fucking leave it for now. Can we get on with this? We're nearly at the end of the show.

Okay, fine. All right. Shirume, I like that ghost, yeah. Okay, next ghost. The Hantu Tetek. The Hantu Tetek. And what part of the world does this originate in? Well, I believe this is Malaysia.

And the name, Hantu Tetek translates into breast ghost oh yeah so they've given on Cracked a selection of other translations like Titty Spectre, Booby Phantom or Gazonga Apparition that's my favourite

yeah I'm sure it would be it's a ghost with massive tits and you think, oh that's not scary. That's more sexy than an eyeball-up-the-arse ghost. That certainly is sounding more sexy. However, there's a catch. First of all, the woman the body is on is an old witchy hag. And secondly, her massive tits are on her back.

What? They're on her back. Why are they on her back? I don't know. It's a kind of bogeyman story for kids, so, you know, don't misbehave, or the big titted hag witch with tits on her back will get you.

Backward tit woman, backward tit witch. Yeah. Mate, they need to start getting some of this shit over here in the West, you know. We just don't have sexy ghosts in this country you know what they could do is they could do a tv show and combine those two ghosts eyeball up the arsehole plus bat tits yes they could do all of those things um this is why you should never write erotic fiction you like there's a lot of reasons why i should never write erotic

fiction uh yeah you'll stroke your cock to death i'll be through paragraph one erotic fiction. Yeah. Yeah. You'll stroke your cock to death after you've read paragraph one. No, I wouldn't have the imagination for it. You know what I mean? I'd just be like... It would just be like Dave walked into the office. Jane got her tits out.

They had sex. The end. Wow. You can imagine the rest, reader. Yeah. For you, that's really romantic, I can imagine. Really erotic. So, Dave walks in.

She gets his tits out. He goes, ah, fuck you. All right. Sticks it in, squeezes it around, pushes it in with his thumb, pulls out, on her back. There you go. Chapter two. Yeah.

Chapter two, the aftermath. I got the tissues out out laid them on her back absorbed it all you are obsessed with spunk man even on a fucking Halloween special it all comes down

to the fucking goo man goo with you yes it is she's telling me not to ignore her now mate don't fuck about

with this alright sorry tell her you're recording something. What else? Give me another ghost. Alright, I'll give you another ghost now. Just scrolling through. Okay, the headless mule. Oh yeah.

I can imagine it's quite descriptive. Yes, it's a charming story that comes from Brazil. Basically, it's a mule with no head yeah i got that yeah yeah uh but out of its neck hole comes fire whoa yeah that's how why they've got the coolest ghosts all over the world yeah we've got the headless horseman or whatever don't we fucking dandy who's lost his dear Rebecca in the fucking Civil War. I want a fucking horse with flames coming out his neck hole. Yeah, you do.

Depending on the story, the monster straight from Dr. Seuss' nightmares is accessorised with a floating bride, still has the voice of a woman and changes back into a normal living trollop by day. I don't understand that. What's it saying? That's not the mule. According to the quasi-Christian legend, a prostitute slept with a chaste priest and God decided that this deserves some particularly terrifying divine intervention.

He decided to shake it up and turn the woman into a giant purple mule with no head and fire spewing out of its neck hole. This is literally some guy drunk in Brazil going, you know... This is practically Dardorist. Yeah.

It's unhinged. Alright, let's see if we can find one more to do. Right, this is the last one. It's a British one. It's the Highgate Chicken Ghost. Yay! Yay! That's the best we can do. The Highgate Chicken ghost. Yay! Yay! That's the best we can do.

The Highgate chicken ghost. Yeah, because, you know, Japan gives us fucking eyehole arsehole ghosts, and, you know, Brazil gives us fucking big titty ghost. No, Malaysia gives you big titty ghosts.

We get chickens. Hmm. But Highgate had the Highgate vampire as well, so it seems to be a hub of supernatural activity doesn't it do you know if we ever do another dollop rip off I might do the Highgate vampire story

yeah we should I might do the research for that here's something though Paul let's not refer to it as a dollop rip off because well it's not like dollop had the fucking copyright on reading that story no those cunts no they fucking don't well it's not like Dollop had the fucking copyright on reading those stories from history no they fucking don't

alright we'll just do a story we'll do a story podcast is that fucking copyrighted yeah right so this story begins at Highgate Pond in England and a philosopher and scientist Sir Francis Bacon who in 1626

had an argument with his friend over how to preserve meat. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. I mean, you should have the clues in your name, Francis. Yeah, prick. At this point, he had an argument and said that he could meet... He said that keeping meat cold would make it last longer.

To prove his point, Bacon went out and got himself a chicken, plucked it, cleaned it, stuffed it with snow and invented the first frozen chicken. And then he caught pneumonia and died. And that's how he died, stuffing a chicken, plucked it, cleaned it, stuffed it with snow, and invented the first frozen chicken. And then he caught pneumonia and died. And that's how he died, stuffing a chicken. Yeah, apparently.

Well, that's what this cracked article says, so you can take that with a pinch of salt. The site of Bacon's death is said to have been haunted ever since, but not by him. No. By the chicken he killed. Ooh.

Scary frozen chicken clanking around. Yes, I don't... She's... Laura's, like, really getting quite intense here. Mate, just block her. She said, don't ignore me. What? She's telling me not to ignore her.

Just block her. She's asking if I'm home. I am home. I told her I'm home. Why did you fucking tell her I'm home? Why did you tell her that? Well, she doesn't know where the fuck I live, does she? No, she doesn't know where you live. But...

Maybe I wanted to come round, Paul. Maybe I have needs. Maybe I have needs. As a man. You know? Maybe I have needs. Right. Okay. You do have needs. She's saying I'm here. But that can be fixed with some porn and a sock. What?

She's saying... What's she saying? She's saying I'm here. I'm here. What does that mean? Yeah, well, I don't know. What does that mean? Ask her. Alright. I'm typing now. What have you said? What's she said? She said she's outside She must be fucking with me now

Fuck off You'd reckon You'd know if he was Alright here you go If he's outside your place Ask her what the address of your place is right Okay So task her

I've asked Yeah she knows She knows What? What's she said? She's It's er You can say your address I'll just bleep it out She's she knows what what's she said she's it's you can say your address

I'll just bleep it out she's she's put 23 is that your address yeah mate she's saying she's outside it's just that

well look out the window you know what I'm disappointed it's obviously some kind of fucking prank and mate look out your window you'll know if she's outside because you'll see her in the street

that's how you call her bluff. Well, I can see from here there's no one out there. Oh, hang on. There is, actually, there is

there's someone there. Is it a fat man? No, it looks like a... No, that can't be. Can't be. I mean, there's loads of people. It's a busy area. But that person is looking up here.

Looks like a lady. Okay. And what's she doing? She's just standing there, looking up. You can't tell, yeah. She's got a hoodie on. Well, look on the bright side. Look on the bright side.

She can't get in. Can she? How could she possibly get in? That can't be her. I'm just making sure now text text her or message her now and if she's if she she can't reply she'll see her on the phone texting okay so i've sent her i just said, are you still there?

Right. Okay, I can see that person is typing something on her phone now. Right. And she's told me she's coming in. Mate, seriously. This is weird. No. If I were you Right now

I would just phone the police I'm not going to phone the police Because even if this is a fucking joke It's not a very good No Because What, she can't get in? What?

No, she might not be able to get in She's a girl The point is that she's Yeah, but That doesn't make any difference Look, I'm not This is weird Just weird

So Mate Just phone the police She's gone She's not there She's not there anymore Weird. So. Mate. Just phone the police. She's not there. She's not there anymore. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Just someone.

I mean, you get, it's a busy street. She's gone. Yeah, it is a busy street and maybe you, whatever. I'm just, you're, you're giving me. This is what I warned you about at the fucking start of the episode.

Don't fuck about with people online. Oh, right. I've learnt my lesson. God, just try not, you know. Try to get some love, Paul, you know. That's fine. I appreciate that. But Jesus, mate, just don't mess around with things online.

She's saying, why are you toying with me now? She's getting... Are you... What? It's getting unpleasant, actually. She's getting... What? She's getting unpleasant, actually. She's talking about... cutting me. Mate, this is not funny anymore, seriously.

Call the police or call your flatmate and just fucking sort something out. No, he's out. Hang on. All right, there's a knock. Someone's knocking on the door. Wait, mate. There's someone's knocking on the door wait mate so there's no one knocking on your door

you're three floors up on that flat so I don't understand what well she must have got up I don't er I'm because there's no way

she can get in ah erm what it sounds like someone just came in. There was a door slam. I think it must be my flatmate. Well, just shout his name.

See if it's him. Rogan! Oh, hang on. The lights are going off. I'm having a power cut here. Paul. Sorry. Ah.

This is... This is gone or something. It's not flat, mate. No. Well, just keep quiet. Put your phone on now. And just fucking call for help. Just do something.

The phone's not working. Nothing's working. She's... She's still messaging me she says I'm inside she wants to play she was what the fuck she told me she's it's something me she said inside and and... Mate, I can hear... I don't know what's going on. Mate, I can hear footsteps at your end. Are you moving about? No. Stay still. I can hear her.

There's a... I don't know. What? I think she's in the kitchen. Mate, just... It sounds like... Just put something against your door. Fucking hell.

I don't have anything. Mate, if you can't phone, just... I can't phone. My phone is completely dead for some reason. I can hear her. She's... She's outside the door now. She's... I can't... I can't... I don't know what to...

Oh, no. Mate, I can't hear you. Hello? I can't hear you. Paul, I can't hear you. Hello? Paul. Eli, what are you talking about?

I can't hear you. Help. Eli. Paul. You need to... Paul, you need to get me to my... Right now. Just get the...

Fucking... Fucking... I've lost connection. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

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