CheapShow - Ep 292: Quite Uninteresting

Starting point is 00:00:00 Tee hee, listeners. I've started recording and Eli's out the room. Let's see what goes down when he comes back in. Ah yes, come in, sit down. You're a bit late, but sit down. Hello. Let me just check this. Mr. Eli Silverman, is it?

Starting point is 00:00:17 That's right, yes. Hello, my name is Bob Foldy and I am here as a podcast quality assurance investigator. So every few years we like to pop into podcasts and just have a speak to the cast and crew and you know talk about their... Bob Foldy is it? Bob Foldy. I wouldn't mind if I if is there not I'm just I'm sorry you seem genuine but can I just um maybe check check you up or I can check check on my phone. Is there a number I could call? If you go to the Podcast Quality Assurance Database. Podcast Quality Assurance Database. Assurance.

Starting point is 00:00:51 Bob Foldy, F-O-double-double-double-double-double-L-double-double-D-I-E. That's how you spell it. And there you go. Oh. They call me the ball breaker. And I'm here today to do a little evaluation of your role in the podcast so far. Now, just a few questions, because I'm not familiar with the podcast of Cheap Show. So I just want to know a few things.

Starting point is 00:01:13 So, one, how long have you been doing this for now? Oh, a couple of years. Can you give me an exact number, please? Oh, I don't know. You know, it's just something I don't really pay much attention to it, to be honest. It's just something I do. I'm not really that invested in it you know what the concept of your podcast is something about is it about chap show it's it's sort of

Starting point is 00:01:31 i don't know sometimes just this guy comes around he's sort of a friend and then he just sort of he he feeds me sometimes bits of chocolate and stuff that's really how i see it and uh out of one between one and ten how would you say your uh performance is as a co-host on the podcast oh ten i'm brilliant in every way um i mean he's really he struggles just to say pronounce basic words sometimes and uh he's always talking over me and he does all these technical things like doesn't speak into the mic properly. And he bangs. He's terrible, really. We've got something in your mouth there, Mr. Foldy.

Starting point is 00:02:13 Just another quick question. Your other host, Paul Gammon? That's who I'm talking about, yeah. He's called something like that. He's called something like Fole Gammon. Like a horse. I always thought it was weird. Like a horse ham.

Starting point is 00:02:27 Imagine that. I always think of him as horse ham. Paul Horse Ham Gammon. Okay, all right. So out of 10, what would you give him as a... Oh, he nudges one and a half, maybe. Nudges one and a half. Are you okay? You seem to have some kind of problem with your jaw.

Starting point is 00:02:47 And just one last question. Have you ever heard of the show Podcast Pranks? Oh, fuck off. No. It's you. It's you, Paul. Oh, fucking hell. I can't believe he said that.

Starting point is 00:03:03 I can't believe it. I can't believe you said that to Poppy. I can't believe it! I can't fucking believe it! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to episode one of Podcast Pranks with me, your host, Paul Cannon! Fuck! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles.

Starting point is 00:03:35 It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go through the bargain bins at charity shops of Great Britain

Starting point is 00:04:17 and bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. You, what did I miss out from that list just then? I'm keeping you on your toes. Bazaars. No. Bargain bins of Britain. Bargain basementars. No. Bargain bins of Britain. Bargain basement bins of Britain. Bargain bins of Britain.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Britain. No. I didn't say Poundlands, did I? Poundlands. Is Poundland even a thing anymore? Is Poundland an actual thing? Yeah, of course. There's loads of them still.

Starting point is 00:04:40 It's a big brand. Is that the biggest brand of pound stores? It's the only, I think, now. Okay. Because they bought up 99p shop didn't they oh 99p shop used to be a thing

Starting point is 00:04:48 yeah there's one up in Wood Green called pound plus now they're all saying over a pound so it's not not quite a pound

Starting point is 00:04:55 eventually it'll just be like a shop welcome to land welcome to shop land it's like a pound minimum now which is stupid you go in and they have

Starting point is 00:05:03 like toys for like five quid and like headphones for five quid so pound land's really once you have to say oh it's's like a pound minimum now, which is stupid. You go in and you have toys for like five quid and headphones for five quid. So Poundland's really a kind of... But once you have to say, oh, it's at least a pound, you kind of defeated the whole purpose of saying only a pound

Starting point is 00:05:13 or everything a pound, isn't it? Because the whole point of Poundland was you go, this Poundland, everything's here a pound. Oh, that's my brain set and locked in. I'm going to walk around and buy 20 things.

Starting point is 00:05:21 Yes. You know what I mean? There's this shop in America, is it called Five Plus, I think, which does the same. Oh idolatry it's like idolatry yeah but it's idolatry is that sounds like idolatry which is one of the sins isn't it i think we've made one of those jokes before years ago about idolatry about i think i made a crap gag about i don't worship cheap stores except the dollar tree or something like that good something like that. It's good, it's good. Maybe it's more humour than ho-ho-ho-ho humour, isn't it? Yes.

Starting point is 00:05:48 Here on Cheap Show, we're all about the ho-ho-ho-ho humour. The cheap shop round here is known as Moominland. Yeah, weird. I don't know why they would call it that. We've got Lion King. Moominland. The Lion King corner-off licence. The Lion King.

Starting point is 00:06:01 Yeah. And Moominland. I like it. I appreciate some sort of creativity in the road. Alice in Poundland. Is there? Yeah, there's Alice in Poundland up the road. Alice in Poundland. Yeah. And Moominland. I like it. I appreciate some sort of creativity. Oh, and up the road, Alice in Poundland. Is there? Yeah, there's Alice in Poundland up the road. Alice in Poundland? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:09 Are you joking? No, you have to climb into the shop for a hole in the roof. Yeah. And you fall. Is there someone in a rabbit suit? Yeah. It's your fucking blowjob. And then there's a man who's got mercury poisoning in the corner going...

Starting point is 00:06:20 Like that. And it's all quaint. It's all very funny and quaint. It's funny how all these people you encounter have this funny thing with their mouth where they make that fucking mouth noise again and again, week after week. Why don't we scrap this podcast, Paul?

Starting point is 00:06:34 Hey. Just call it Paul's fucking wobble mouth noise show. I'll do it. Let me pitch it to you, okay? I'll pitch it to you. Hi, I'm Silo Silverman. Welcome to Paul's Mouth... Oh, you can't even say that.

Starting point is 00:06:46 Oh, your mouth noise machine's broke. Oh, no, I'm not clicking that out. Fuck you. Hi, it's Eli Silverman. Welcome to Paul's Mouth Noise Show. It's another week into... Paul, are you ready? You warmed up, mate?

Starting point is 00:06:56 I'm ready to go. What would you like? Number 7, number 14, or 22? Well, Janine from Doncaster has written in, and she says, I like noise number three. So let's have it now from you, Paul. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:07:10 Paul, we discussed this. It's only the wobbly mouth noise that people like. Monkey mouth noise. I'll give you another one. Here we go. That's a point. That's the point of this segment. Right, so.

Starting point is 00:07:25 Hello, The Cheap Show. This week, we're going to do a book and a game. Right, bye, everyone. Not bye. We haven't done the book of the game yet. It's not bye, everyone. Bye for this segment. Oh, I can't get into that room anymore.

Starting point is 00:07:40 Oh, it's because they've got their padlock. They're not allowed to have a padlock. This is our fucking studio. Listen, it's because they've got their padlock. They're not allowed to have a padlock. This is our fucking studio. Listen, it's the copy character club. They've really taken it over. They've got their own fridge in there. Oh, by the way, Long John can't come. He's their

Starting point is 00:07:55 new council chairman for the club. They shouldn't even have any kind of guild at all in there. They're just tertiary knock-off characters. It's a club chairman. They're the copy characters. They're very proud of their status, Paul. That's fine, but they're not allowed

Starting point is 00:08:08 to say what... You said they could have that room. No, for that one day. I said you could have that for one day to hang out and meet up and get to know each other,

Starting point is 00:08:14 swap business cards and stuff like that. The copy character club is now a powerful lobby within this podcast. The CCC? Yes. Oh, I don't like

Starting point is 00:08:21 the sound of this. They're going to unionise and we won't have that. We won't have unions on Cheap Show. Well, that's literally what they are. I mean, in all but name. But if the fucking top tier characters find out,

Starting point is 00:08:31 they'll want to start a fucking union. They'll want their own room with a pool table and stuff in. Like they've got, you know, they've got a fridge in there. Yes. Well, the new club chairman, Long John Can't Come, he came to me. He complained about not being able to ejaculate for a while. Yeah, I know. He's been saying that a lot to everyone.

Starting point is 00:08:49 But he also said that your one-shot character from last week, Arthur Point, he's been in there, he's been at their cheese. He shouldn't be in there at all. He shouldn't be. He shouldn't exist. But he's been at their rock for, and I saw him the other day. He had big crumbs of it all around his mouth, like big blue smears.'m gonna have a quiet word with Arthur points because he was he's not a knockoff character he's just a tertiary character he's not a copy of anyone he's a one-shot he's a one-shot and done I'll have a word with him and see you know what should I give him a quick call now

Starting point is 00:09:17 give him a call why have you got his number even I gotta have all the numbers of the characters in my head. Hello, Arthur? Arthur? Arthur? Yeah, it's Paul from Cheap Show. Look, you've been in the CCC room, right? Just tell him he can't go in there. You can't go in there.

Starting point is 00:09:43 You're not a knock-off character. He says he is. Who's the original character? Who's he a copy of You're not a knockoff character. He says he is. Who's the original character? Who's he a copy of? He says you did a character in like episode 70 or something called Full Point or something. Full Point? Juan Point. Juan Point.

Starting point is 00:10:00 Oh yeah, Juan Point. Juan Point. Yeah, Juan Point. He was Spanish. And he says he's doing that. He's doing a knockoff. He's a copycat of Juan Point. But we haven't, Juan Point. He was Spanish. And he says he's doing that. He's doing a knockoff. He's a copycat of Juan Point. But we haven't seen Juan Point in ever, in ever years.

Starting point is 00:10:09 Listen, it says in the fucking, I've got the original constitution of the copycat club here. This is getting complicated. Long John can't come. He gave me a copy and it's been countersigned here by Adolescent Sasquatch. Yes. So it's the business. And Thirsty Phil. Well, Thirsty Phil joined later. Yeah. So it's the business. And Thirsty Phil. Well, Thirsty Phil joined later.

Starting point is 00:10:27 Yeah, but he's still part of the line-up. He's a signee of the original constitution. And John McNubbin or whatever it is. Bob McNubbin. Don McNubbin. Don McNubbin. His signature's there as well. I haven't seen him in a while.

Starting point is 00:10:38 No. He doesn't even... I think he's got... He's independently wealthy in some way. He doesn't need to come. He's probably hanging around with Andre... Brandovsky. Brandovsky. Yeah, Brandovsky doesn't come because they'd be... He doesn't't need to come he's probably hanging around with Andre Brandovsky Brandovsky

Starting point is 00:10:45 yeah Brandovsky doesn't come because they'd be he doesn't fucking need to they're legit members well there's also the whole thing with that casino issue that we can't really get into I know yeah

Starting point is 00:10:53 that was bad news we had problems with that now it just just if you still got Arthur Point on the line there oh yeah sorry Arthur yeah he's here

Starting point is 00:11:00 go on now he's Arthur's claiming yeah can you hear this Arthur you're claiming that you are the copy character Juan Point,

Starting point is 00:11:07 but in the constitution of the copy character club here, which I have a copy of in my hand, it says, term item three here, a copy character cannot be created

Starting point is 00:11:17 off a one-shot character. So you are... Juan Point was also a one-shot. I'm sorry to say, we do have a cast system in place on this show, and you are a one-shot, so fucking sling your hook, mate. All right? All right, go on, let me see.

Starting point is 00:11:31 Calm down. I'll get you some fucking cheese. Paul, get some cheese. Get the Patreon money and buy him some cheese, yeah? He says we've gone too far now. We're going to hear from his lawyers or his people. Fine, just hang up on him. Just fuck off then, Arthur.

Starting point is 00:11:45 But if I catch you back here, if we catch you back here, I'm going to rip your prick off. Rip it right out the root. Fucking make sure nothing grows there again. Oh, God. Alright, Paul. Don't you fucking come here. Don't you fucking come here with this!

Starting point is 00:12:02 What? You threatened me! Alright, Paul. Paul, come back. Oh, he's hung up. Oh, Paul's I'm in with this Ron You threatened me Threatened me Alright Paul Paul come back Oh he's hung up Oh Paul's having A bit of a turn This is getting out of hand

Starting point is 00:12:12 Are you alright mate If everyone's not careful I'm going to Add another character Apocalypse And this time No fuckers coming back No little magic

Starting point is 00:12:19 Black box in the woods Nothing like that I'm going to Systematically Torture Paul And every fucking character One by one For a whole episode Killing them in Depraved Serbian film woods nothing like that i'm gonna systematically torture porn every fucking character all right wow one by one for a whole episode okay killing them in depraved serbian film excite ways can we

Starting point is 00:12:31 depend on this as an upcoming episode the martyrs movie will be like alison poundland wow compared to what i've gotten so if any of these characters step out of line going forward i'll burn this fucking show to the ground, mate. Okay, mate, okay. Until there's just you, me, and a box of fucking character bones. Wow. Okay. Sometimes it feels like we're there already, Paul. Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:12:53 You, me, and a box of character bones. You're quite poetic sometimes. Every now and then. Right, anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. We've got a packed show for you, so let's crack on with it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:04 I need to calm down. I need to calm down. You need to calm down. Have a glass of water. Have a little sip of water. Little sip. And then we're going to go straight into a nice... What sound effect do you want to have here? Oh, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:13:13 I'll just go where my heart goes at this point. So the listener will find out where my heart is right about now. Don't make that noise. Mr. Silverman, can you give me the jingle to this segment? It would be a pleasure, Mr Gannon. It's a pool page turners you can join today. It's a pool page turners you can join today. It's a pool page turners you can join today.

Starting point is 00:13:37 Read a book pool with pool today. And read a book pool with pool today. It's a pool page turners you can join today. A pool page turners you can join today. Oh, I want to read a book. What shall I do today? You can go to Paul Page Turners and read a book.

Starting point is 00:13:49 Yeah, fine. No, I'll take it. It's fine. I'll take it. You can join today, Paul Page Turners. It's better than my scat one I was going to attempt

Starting point is 00:13:56 and bring in. I don't know. Maybe I'll stop that. That's both racist and reminiscent of... It's not racist. It's both racist. How is it racist? It's both racist. How is it racist?

Starting point is 00:14:05 It's both racist. I'm doing Jazz Scat, who's a new character. He's one shot. Come on, bring him in then. Jazz Scat is known for his one shots. He goes into a room and he bursts out a big arc-ropey glob of jism

Starting point is 00:14:19 and then goes, howdy ho! And then walks out again. He's like a party popper. You bring him in, he stands on a table in front of your boardroom and then just fires off a big old shaft of goo and then goes, howdy ho, and walks away.

Starting point is 00:14:32 Can I try? Yeah. Oh, I'm going to come like, it's going to be like glue. Wait, I've got what is my new jingle. I can't believe the amount of abuse the amount of abuse I've had from you when I used to let off

Starting point is 00:14:53 but by mistake that jingle smells like a chip shop I can't understand it ladies and gentlemen he did a real fart one of his wet ones that's a Paul's page toer at the best of the... He did it right into the mic and then he immediately sat down

Starting point is 00:15:12 and pulled the mic to his face and there was a visible green mist, basically, tendrils of which went right up his nose. No other podcast does that. You're not going to get Graham Norton spreading his arse cheeks and farting into the mic in his book club, are you? No, but when I think of the amount of mockery I got when I used to let off by mistake, just because I was being... And you literally did a fucking clove mooned at me then.

Starting point is 00:15:39 You were spreading with one hand, weren't you? Yeah. You grabbed one of his arse cheeks and he farted. Yeah. Oh, I'm a maverick broadcaster, Silverman. That's what I am. Into the mic. Right, Paul's page turners then. Seriously, I'm sitting in a fog of my own badness.

Starting point is 00:15:57 I'm flopped in. Don't make me look for it. I haven't been looking for it now. We had a lovely PO box sent to us from Gazatron and there's a few things in there that we'll get to at a later date but for now I wanted to pick out one of the items

Starting point is 00:16:11 which was a book he gave called It Is Just You, Everything's Not Shit by the author Steve Stack. Now you said there's a book similar to this which is obviously what this is an antidote to. This is a response to a book called Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? Right, okay.

Starting point is 00:16:27 I think there were two or three sequels to that because it was a huge bestseller, I believe in the early 2000s it started. Because there was a whole trend, wasn't there, of books about shit towns and shit this and Britain's shit. Yeah, but this was different. I mean, this was really like a sort of

Starting point is 00:16:42 hackneyed, mid-90s stand-up routine, transplanted to a book, where people complain about, I don't know. What is it about airplane food? Yeah, literally. Things like that. Things that are shit, but more sort of Britain-specific.

Starting point is 00:16:54 So, like, motorway CAFs or, you know, all that stuff. The litany of things that people complain about, you know. It's that whole segment of Waterstone where it's like, humorous books. The Diary of Boris Johnson, a parody. Yeah, all of that sort of shit theme parks or old people should die and here's why yeah and and to be fair to i don't remember the author of the original uh is it mitch's me or everything is everything shit but i read it you know probably on the loo you know

Starting point is 00:17:21 as you do and i did chuckle once or twice or twice. So it wasn't a bad thing. And I don't think... He chuckled as he dropped his chuckle. Like I say, it was just sort of a humorous book. You know, if you think about it... Toilet book, coffee table, isn't it? It's that shit. If you think about it, The Meaning of Lift by...

Starting point is 00:17:33 Douglas Adams and Lloyd, John Lloyd. John Lloyd. It's similar. It complains about the sandwiches on British Rail, doesn't it? And it complains about... It uses the format, which is a fake dictionary. Like a miscellaneous kind of what is it called? No, a dictionary. It's a dictionary. No, there's another book. It was an almanac or

Starting point is 00:17:51 something it was kind of trying to be. No, it wasn't. It was a dictionary, Paul. They took the names of towns and they gave them definitions which they made up. Humorous definitions. That's known as a dictionary where you define words. Okay. I don't know why it's... An almanac is a list of facts

Starting point is 00:18:07 and things. It's a totally different thing. I thought it had stuff like that. An almanac will have the phases of the moon for that year or something and you get cricket almanacs

Starting point is 00:18:15 which will give you all the results and stuff. Sports almanac from Back to the Future 2. There's a kink song which is one of them absolute top masterpiece singles called Autumn Almanac.

Starting point is 00:18:23 And there's a chocolate bar that I like called Cara Almanac. And there's a chocolate bar that I like called Cara Almanac. But yeah, but do you know, do you agree with my point about the meaning of Lyft having that kind of humour in it?

Starting point is 00:18:32 That sort of, you know. That genre of book is not, yeah, new. But what it is, is it's kind of like it just fills out Christmas stocking fillers. It's those kind of things.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Yes, but it's that type of humour where you complain about things that are communal, that everyone experiences. You know, aspects of modern life or modern sort of consumerist life. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:50 Or public services that are always shit. And it's very hackneyed these days, is all I'm saying. Which is why this book is an antidote. He's saying, well, just give us it then. Are you fed up with grumpy old men complaining about the state of the world?

Starting point is 00:19:01 Have you had enough of bad news stories and tales of doom and gloom? Are you the one of the silent majority who thinks life is actually pretty good? Would you like to convince the miserable gits to cheer up? If so, this book's for you. Steve Stack has put together an A to Z

Starting point is 00:19:14 of some of the nicer things in life. A collection of entries to amuse, inspire, delight, and sometimes just put a smile on your face. Which is all perfectly fine. Great, I'm all for it. Yeah. I generally am all for like putting positivity out there

Starting point is 00:19:26 I don't think it's going to be as humorous I think humour comes out of negativity I do yes now I do agree that I think I don't like toothless humour

Starting point is 00:19:35 you know dad jokes that's all I've got I do like dad jokes I like dad jokes I like that you know what I like that F-U-N-E-X

Starting point is 00:19:41 F-U-N-E-X yeah S-V-F-X oh the have you got any eggs yes we have eggs S-V-F-X yeah do it S-V-E-n-e-x f-u-n-e-x yeah s-v-f-x oh the uh have you got any eggs yes we have eggs s-v-f-x yeah do it s-v-a-g-a no i say it look you say eggs i'll ask you i'll start from the beginning okay f-u-n-e-x no no you say eggs you say x repeat after me yeah s-v-f-x-X. S-V-S-X. And then I say, F-U-N-E-M. S-V-F-M.

Starting point is 00:20:09 S-V-S-M. You cunt. S. Fuck you! X. That could have been nice. That could have been nice. Would you like to see my X?

Starting point is 00:20:19 My big X. My big X. F-U-N-O-B-N-O-B. You know what they never tell you when you're a boy and you're growing up and you're getting older? Yeah. Just the saggage of balls as you get, like, seriously.

Starting point is 00:20:30 I don't remember my balls ever hanging as low. I remember being in a men's changing room. This story's got a little bit of spice. And seeing old men's balls in there and thinking that's what obviously happens because they're dragging. They're dragging on. You know, when a man of a certain age, Paul, has a towel on

Starting point is 00:20:45 and the balls are actually underneath the bottom of the skirt they never tell you that they do I've been told constantly my whole life and now it's happening

Starting point is 00:20:52 Eli your balls are going to droop Eli your balls are going to touch your knees Eli you're going to spend 15 minutes before you can get comfortable in bed finding a place for your balls

Starting point is 00:21:00 to go where they're not awkwardly positioned and sitting on your balls never used to be a thing did it no I've sat on my balls more than I ever have

Starting point is 00:21:06 in my life in the last year alone. Paul, if it really bothers you, yeah? Tuck them. Tuck them tucked up, yeah. Get strings.

Starting point is 00:21:13 Just save some money. I could put a little string on each ball up my shoulders, just where my collar is, and I could draw a string. And then what,

Starting point is 00:21:20 for who is this? For my own comfort. Okay, good. Do you think that would be comfortable to have two lassoos, a lasso, a necklace And then what, for who is this? For my own comfort. Okay, good. So it's bedtime. Do you think that would be comfortable to have two lassoos, a lasso, a necklace on each egg? Yeah. And then I'm sitting there, it's like, oh, I'm sitting on myself. Oh, they're right back where they belong.

Starting point is 00:21:38 I think they get garrotted. And it's all right. And they're coming home. I've got my balls right back into myself again. Look at my strings, I'll pull on my balls. I'm going to plop my balls into my sack again. I don't know. Yeah, you do not know.

Starting point is 00:21:55 That is clear. And it's all right, and they're coming home. You're going to get back to where you're coming from. I don't know. It's good, that song. Right. It's not. Here's this book.

Starting point is 00:22:07 We've been doing it for ages. Right, the first one we wanted to talk about from this book, because there's loads and loads and loads of entries in here, but we've picked just a few to talk about today. The first one is Dunking Biscuits. That's nice, isn't it? I don't like it. Great, we'll move on to the next one.

Starting point is 00:22:21 No. What's your thoughts on Dunking Biscuits? I wouldn't. I'd like a biscuit with a tea. I don't bother with that shit. I keep it simple. I don't like the crumbs in there. No, I understand that.

Starting point is 00:22:30 I don't want bits of crumb in my tea. Do you know what that reminds me of, Paul? It fucking reminds me of taramasa lata, which is basically just fish eggs, pink food dye, and breadcrumbs and water, all mashed up in a big mushy mush. That's what my tea turns into when I dunk a biscuit in it.

Starting point is 00:22:47 It gets all soupy, bready soup. I'd like a bready soup instead of a hot beverage and a biscuit. I'm going to combine these into a nut, dirty,

Starting point is 00:22:56 dirty water. Dirty water, bready soup. If you're not careful, Eli, I'm going to walk up to you and give you a new jingle right in your face. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 00:23:06 Is this water? No. What's this? That's green tea. It's very nice. Oh, no, that's fine. Help yourself. No, thank you, but I just thought it was water. You've got some water there. Anyway, not into dunking biscuits. I am, but I have to be in a particular mood on a particular kind of day. It's like winter, autumn, perfect dunking time,

Starting point is 00:23:22 rich tea, cup of tea, dunk, dunk, dunk, job done. Maybe a rich tea finger, maybe a morning coffee biscuit. Can I ask you something? I keep it simple. Can I ask you something, though? Yeah. What is it about that? Where is the pleasurable aspect of that?

Starting point is 00:23:34 Because you've got your hot tea, you've got your biscuit there. You know what I mean? It's a biscuit. They're both perfectly good at both. It's about the biscuit. It just softens the biscuit. And it makes it warm. It makes the biscuit warm.

Starting point is 00:23:43 Yeah, and crumbly, and it all kind of gets like buttery in your mouth, and it's quite nice. I see. So it changes the texture of the biscuit mainly. Yeah, but I can do... It's not about what's left in the tea. No. It's not making the tea biscuity.

Starting point is 00:23:53 Because you know I taste... Have you tasted that? No. My friend had, you know, Yorkshire tea? Yeah. They do these special flavours. We may have tried one, but they've got a pre-dunk biscuit

Starting point is 00:24:05 flavoured tea really? it wasn't very nice well this is the thing I don't dunk the biscuit to make the tea taste different well this is what we're getting at here

Starting point is 00:24:12 I think we're discovering some stuff we need to do a tea episode we keep talking about this we keep dancing around the tricky subject of tea off brand brand off and it's going to

Starting point is 00:24:20 open some eyes that episode yeah it really is it's going to be similar to the egg episode this is interesting though in terms of in this chapter And it's going to open some eyes, that episode. Yeah, it really is. It's going to be similar to the egg episode. This is interesting, though, in terms of, in this chapter, it talks about there's a scientific experiment they did for the best optimum dunk.

Starting point is 00:24:34 And if you hear it, I think, like me, you'll agree, it's a big load of shit. Often these kind of experiments are these silly-sounding ones, aren't they? They're often, like, sponsored by Big Biscuit. I bet behind this, McVitie's is behind this, I bet. I'm Donald McVitie and if you don't give me the results, I'm going to close you down. I'll crush you like a rich tea in my end.

Starting point is 00:24:57 Are you Donald McVitie? Don McVitie. So Len Fisher from the University of Bristol ran not one, but two separate experiments into the physics of biscuit dunking the first was on method the second on flavor here's what he found the idea way to dunk a biscuit is to do it horizontally by this he means literally loading the biscuit flat into the liquid so that only the underside is dunked then you remove it flip it quickly and then you put the undunked top half into the wet position. This is how you spill the tea and completely

Starting point is 00:25:27 destroy your biscuit. You need to have a cup at least bigger and wider than the biscuit you're dunking in for a start. And also you're getting all hot tea in your fingers. What have you been, you know, I don't know, checking the smell of your knob end or something with your finger before end? Dip, dip, dip. You don't want to get all that in the tea. You don't want to besmirch your tea with your own smagma, do you? You don't want

Starting point is 00:25:43 knob grease floating around with the tannins in the top of your tea. Oh don't want to besmirch your tea with your own smagma, do you? You don't want knob grease floating around with the tannins in the top of your tea. Lovely cup of tea, but don't half smell like the tip of your dick, Dad.

Starting point is 00:25:51 How would you know, Sam? I've been showering with you at the gym. I saw your big old knee knockers. Oh, hang on.

Starting point is 00:26:01 The other one is for flavour. The best drink to dunk in is milk, hot or cold, and not to your coffee. A good milk drink increases the flavour oh the other one is for flavour the best drink to dunk in is milk hot or cold and not to your coffee a good milk drink

Starting point is 00:26:08 increases the flavour by a factor of ten also he worked out that dunking in lemonade reduces the flavour why would you fucking want to do that he would not want to do that

Starting point is 00:26:16 imagine hot lemonade we've given you a grant for three years study and what is your study on dunk biscuits in lemonade get out terrible it obviously was just sponsored by like I say a big And what is your study on? Oh, dunk biscuits in lemonade. Get out! Terrible. It obviously was just sponsored by, like I say, a big...

Starting point is 00:26:29 Big biscuit. Or big tea. Big tea or big biscuit. Big tea or big biscuit. It would have been big milk, because big milk got the best results. Big milk might have been behind it. But that's an American thing, though, right? Like cookies and milk for Santa or Oreo dunkers.

Starting point is 00:26:41 That's nice. Do you like cookies and milk? You know what? I don't think I've ever donked a biscuit of any kind in milk in my life. To this day, one of my best friends, that's what he likes to do.

Starting point is 00:26:49 Donking milk? No, you have... No, that's his name. Donking milk. These one-shots need to... The one-shots need to... Okay? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:01 He likes to have a cup of cold milk and Oreos. That's his thing. Fine, I get that, though. Is he American? No. He just to have a cup of cold milk and Oreos. That's his thing. Fine, I get that, though. Is he American? No. He just likes that affectation. Or he would have cookies of any kind,

Starting point is 00:27:10 but I think Oreos work very well in that context. You can't get wrong with Oreos. You can, because they're made by Nestle. They're evil fuckers. Oh, that's true. So I think that finding does ring true to me, however, that the milk is the best, because milk has a certain oil,

Starting point is 00:27:24 which I think coats the tongue in a way. A viscosity to it doesn't it that change i'm sure that changes the sort of flavor of things and helps with the appreciation of the biscuit coming soon dear listener we're going to do a cheap show dunking biscuit tea special yes that's a good idea isn't it off-brand biscuits dunk in the same cup of tea we could do this is it we're building episodes well building is we go a lab a tea lab. Yeah, that would be definitely a good idea to get the biscuits in when we do the tea test. Right, next part of this book

Starting point is 00:27:49 that I thought would be interesting to talk about is lost property statistics. These are both fascinating and amusing, says Steve Sack, in equal measure. Transport for London lost property office recorded these items in a 12-month period. So these things turned up at the TFL in lost property over the course of 12 months. 24,000 bags.

Starting point is 00:28:10 That's the main thing. Little bags, handbags. It doesn't say what kind of bags, but I'm presuming bags of some sort. That's quite a lot of bags. That means 24,000 people were pissed. Because that's the only way you fucking lose a bag by a lodge. If you're pissed, you stagger out the train. As it moves away, you go,

Starting point is 00:28:25 Oh, my bag! I thought I was confused there for a moment, that whether you were using the British term for drunk or the American term for angry. Oh, no, it's pissed. Because you said 24,000 people were pissed, as in angry. That works as well, because they lost their bag. You're angry when you lose your bag.

Starting point is 00:28:39 And we'll be using the British vernacular. Okay, no worries. 20,000 bucks? Another thing. Fair enough, I can understand that. You know, you leave them on the seat, you get up, you walk out. Oh no, that seems to be the way

Starting point is 00:28:49 you lose things on the tube, isn't it? 19,583 items of clothing. Doesn't say how many of those are knickers. That's me, that's me. I've lost so many hats and things, especially beanies. It's a real bugbear of mine, the beanie. I've lost all my beanies on the tube

Starting point is 00:29:01 and I can't fathom how I've managed to do it. I've had some beanies you wouldn't imagine. You wouldn't believe the beanies. I've lost all my beanies on the tube and I can't fathom how I've managed to do it. I've had some beanies you wouldn't imagine. You wouldn't believe the beanies that I've had in my past. Beautiful, beautiful beanies. Beautiful beanies, Paul. I had a nice blue one with a red rim around it. It was lovely. Oh, I had a

Starting point is 00:29:17 John Roger bright blue one. Oh. I'm going to get a new one of those next year. Don't you worry Hats, we love you. 14,112 wallets and purses that can happen slips out the back all of these things you sit down

Starting point is 00:29:32 it falls out your pocket when you get up it's that kind of shit this must be in the pre-smartphone era because almost everything they've mentioned is contained on the phone now you read off your phone

Starting point is 00:29:42 use your phone to pay for things you know so the wallet's done you use your phone as pay for things. So the wallet's done. You use your phone as a hat. Have you seen that new thing, the hat app? When was this book published? Have you seen those new hat app

Starting point is 00:29:51 where you just put it on and you press a button and it just sort of clamps onto your head and then you go around and go, hello, I've got a phone head. Yes, all right. Like a fucking cyber man. 2007 originally printed,

Starting point is 00:30:04 but it does say at the time of printing, 10,614 mobile phones were left on the underground. But that is literally just the year before, a couple of years before the iPhone. The birth of the smartphone. This was still all flip phones and Palm Pilot type stuff. Which you wouldn't pay for things with them and you also couldn't read a book off them.

Starting point is 00:30:21 Or, you know, entertain yourself off them. Snake, I used to like Snake. You can't go wrong with Snake I thought Snake was cool yeah you've got nothing else on that I've got nothing to add to that Snake innit

Starting point is 00:30:33 it's like one of the most I'm sitting on the toilet and nothing to do for five minutes game ever made but it got tense didn't it when the Snake got well well long I'm not talking about

Starting point is 00:30:40 the poo hanging out your arse in the toilet that's a different type of Snake game isn't it trying to have the most longest unbroken shit ever. Oh, I've snipped it. I've lost the game. I've bought up North London's whole supply of mung beans

Starting point is 00:30:54 to try and beat my shit length. What a great game. On the corner of the screen, a little bum cheek and a little poo pops out. You've got to move it around the board eating the sweet corn. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Why would the poo eat the sweet corn? Yeah, and then when you fill up the whole screen with your scat, you flush it and it goes level two.

Starting point is 00:31:10 Do you know what? And then there are two arses and there's poo coming out of both. Whittle, squiggle, squiggle, whittle all around. And then you win that level and a big fanny appears. And it's like end of level bar. Why is the poo going in the fanny? And the poo goes in the fanny. And the first one to fill it up wins.

Starting point is 00:31:25 Oh, that took a turn for the worst. There's loads of other things. Go on, Bob. Just one thing on that. Unbelievably, I'm going to actually have something to say about that. I bet some programmer somewhere has done a version of Snake which has poo in it. I bet.

Starting point is 00:31:37 You're not original. No, I'm not. Oh, I'm not original now. No, I'm not. No, you're not. Other things that have been left on the TFO, which may surprise you, are, and I'll just read this off,

Starting point is 00:31:48 an exercise machine, a 14-foot boat, a stuffed eagle, an urn with cremated ashes in, a sack of sultanas, a wedding dress, a park bench, a briefcase containing 10 grand,

Starting point is 00:31:58 the grandfather's clock, and yes, a kitchen sink was left on the underground. False legs, they often say in things like this, which is amazing to think as well. How would mean an arm maybe you could know there's definitely i've definitely read a similar article once it said there was false legs they used to have the london office for lost property used to be in baker street and they used to have like a shop window down there yeah on baker street next to the tube station just up from where the shakespeare

Starting point is 00:32:22 the sherlock holmes museum is and the beetle shop i used to love that because you get off there and you could go look in the um window and it's all there isn't it no oh i thought that was still there that's not they closed it down they've moved it out of town or up the river somewhere what's the worst thing you've ever lost on the underground i lost a really rare ghostbusters badge and i literally cried over it i haven't lost anything you've lost hats, you just said. Just hats. You fucking liar.

Starting point is 00:32:47 Umbrellas I lose. Sorry to be clichéd. Fake news, Eli. What's got into you? Right, last one we're going to talk about. So the last section I wanted to talk about from this book, and there's plenty more where this came from, is they simply say a quarter of.

Starting point is 00:33:01 And so we're going to talk about sweets. Penny candies. Things such as humbugs mint imperials tea cakes sweet tobacco chocolate raisins aniseed bowls cough candies sherbet pips bonbons licorice pipes pink shrimps chocolate mice shrimps sweet peanuts fruit gums wine gums shoelaces butterscotch creams rhubarb and custard mojo's black, blackjacks, fruit salads, gobstoppers, dolly mixtures, all sorts, candy cigarettes, peanut brittle, coconut mushrooms, macaroons, cola cubes, midget gems, licorice torpedoes, pomfrey cakes, sour apples, milk bottles, fizzy coke bottles, cherry lips,

Starting point is 00:33:37 floral gums, parma violets. My word, that is a long list. Covering everything, but what is... What? There were some mysterious things in there what do you want me to go what like coconut mushroom

Starting point is 00:33:48 you remember that I know a coconut mushroom because they were like little foamy mushroom shapes and they were dusted with desiccated coconut I quite like them

Starting point is 00:33:56 I seem to remember I don't like desiccated coconut much I mean I don't hate it can I also say one thing on there bonbons yeah

Starting point is 00:34:03 what a load of shit bonbons I don't like bonbons I don't like bonbons or I also say one thing on there? Bonbons. Yeah. What a load of shit. Bonbons. I don't like bonbons. I don't like bonbons. Or powdery with a tough, sort of, chewy, crunchy thing. I don't get it.

Starting point is 00:34:10 It was always a toffee flavour that didn't go with the sort of fruity flavour of the powdery outside. Do you know what I mean? It's a Nan's candy. It's terrible. For Nan to suck on in the corner of the room. It's a bonbon.

Starting point is 00:34:19 But what I saw in the shop the other day was a Vimto bonbon and I do want to taste those on the show. That's alright. Vimto bonbons. I mean, as we stand on the show. That's alright. Vimto bonbons. I mean as we stand the most sour thing we've ever had on this show

Starting point is 00:34:28 was a Vimto sour candy all those years ago. We've also had Vimto candy floss. Oh yeah. Vimto used to be a forgotten brand but now it seems to be

Starting point is 00:34:36 dominating the lower end. Pomfrey cakes? Vimto's weird as in it's a drink but it also is a lot of confectionery products. Cola doesn't do that. I can't think of anyone else that does that.

Starting point is 00:34:46 Kaiser have done it. Yeah, but Vimto is actually like established. Tango have done it as well. Tango candies. Oh, they do. Yeah, Tango. Yeah. It's not uncommon.

Starting point is 00:34:53 It's just, I think it's one of these weird things where the bigger the brand of soda drink, the less effort they put into diversifying. Yeah. Whereas the opposite is true for something like Vimto, which is that struggle, you know, peppy little upstart. Yeah. Underdog that wants to get in all the things.

Starting point is 00:35:06 Funny though, isn't it? I've never looked at it like that. What's a pomfrey cake? A what? Pomfrey cake. It's one of those little bready weird things. I thought it was like

Starting point is 00:35:14 the little toffee coined to the chocolate over the top of them. I thought that was it. Oh yes, that's right. Yeah. Cough candy, sherbet pips. Yeah, what's a sherbet pip?

Starting point is 00:35:21 I think they're tiny little, like, you know, like millions. I think they were like millions, but they're they're chewy they're little boiled tiny boiled sweets little sherbet on the inside i mean or maybe on the outside i don't know i don't know i don't know what about uh dolly mixes you don't get the he hasn't said pineapple cubes sorry to interrupt no it doesn't but they do say coca-cola cubes and i think maybe they all fall under one and maybe he hasn't said sour melon slice.

Starting point is 00:35:47 And choc dip. Do you ever remember choc dip? It was just like a big bag of powdered chocolate. Are you joking? No, that's not choc dip. Choc dip is the KP thing. No, no, that's what that is

Starting point is 00:35:56 but when I was growing up there used to be a big tub on the shelf in the sweet shop that was called choc dip and it was like powdered chocolate. You used to just pour it out into a little white bag and you'd scoff it with a spoon

Starting point is 00:36:05 so it's like sherbet but it's chocolate I guess it's not even sherbet it's like just powdered chocolate yeah but it's sort of like it's coming in the same format as

Starting point is 00:36:12 a sherbet you'd scoop it or eat it or pour it into your mouth like that oh that's strange isn't it yeah I remember

Starting point is 00:36:19 that growing up that was one of my favourite things I've never heard of that he talks to in the book he talks to a guy called Michael Parker

Starting point is 00:36:25 who runs a sweet shop. I don't know if it's still in existence called A Quarter Of, online thing, and he talks to him about you can order sweet, those kind of candies online now. And he goes,

Starting point is 00:36:33 what are your top 10 sellers? So we're going to do a top 10. At 10, Anglo Bubbly Bubble Gum. I guess these are all reasonably modern or they're certainly newer versions of. Number nine, Milk Teeth. What are they? Yeah, those are those teeth with the, it's got a gum I guess these are all reasonably modern or they're certainly versions of number nine milk teeth

Starting point is 00:36:45 what are they yeah those are those teeth with the it'll got like a gum with teeth in I've always thought although I think I spent most of my life as a kid

Starting point is 00:36:53 just putting them in and doing like Esther Ranson impressions or Janet Street Porter yeah they're a toy as well as a thing imagine 10 year old little me going I'm Janet Street Porter

Starting point is 00:37:02 I can imagine that I can does he sell cola bottles is cola bottles on this list yeah he sells it actually the website I've got it straight, Paul. I can imagine that. I can. Does he sell cola bottles? Is cola bottles on this list? Yeah, he sells it. Actually, the website I've just checked is still up and running. It's been going since 2002

Starting point is 00:37:11 and you can get... Everything there. All sorts. It's all there. Refreshers, sherbet, dip-daps, fruit salads, Father Day gifts,

Starting point is 00:37:17 personalised boxes, boiled sweets, chewy candy, toffees. You can eat gluten-free, vegan. It's all there. They've diversified somewhat.

Starting point is 00:37:25 Paul, do you remember those things that were like beer? The beer ones that had a slightly sort of shandy taste? Yeah, they were like little pint glasses. Yeah. Yeah, with a frothy top. I mean, that's just an extension of... Did you like those? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:37 I love all those kind of candies, like the cola bottles and such. Oh, I love a non-fizzy cola bottle. Let's just finish this top ten and get out of here. So, eight, chewing nuts. I mean, that's what I do last night. Yeah, I have to tie a fucking string around them. Then pull them to my neck. Barrett's candy shrimps.

Starting point is 00:37:55 I've never liked them. I love them. Sweet peanuts, which I presume were just peanuts dipped in icing sugar or a sugar shell? No, I think those are those. Again, it's similar to a foam shrimp, but it's in the shape of a peanut in its shell. Do you know those ones? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:10 And they've got the pitted surface, and they look like a fake sweet that is a peanut. Those ones. So what are the ones I'm thinking of where it's like a little chocolate button with sprinkles on top? You know, like it is like a chocolate button, but with hundreds and thousands on top on one side.

Starting point is 00:38:22 Yeah, that's got nothing to do with peanuts. All right. I know what you're talking about. Number five is foiled ice cups. What's that? Oh yeah those are those little they're

Starting point is 00:38:30 like a little cupcake but it's all chocolate. Yeah and it's foiled and the cupcake wrapper. But why does it say iced cups then? Do they have like a kind of icing?

Starting point is 00:38:39 It's icing in. It could be chocolate or maybe it's icing in there. I don't like those. Number four white chocolate fish and chips. Again something I've never heard on this could be absolute or maybe it's icing in there I don't like those number four white chocolate fish and chips again something I've never heard of

Starting point is 00:38:47 this could be absolute bullshit white chocolate fish and chips sounds like a fucking it does I saw this girl the other night and I don't know what it is but I'm scratching downstairs and I went to the doctor

Starting point is 00:38:56 and he went you've got a case of white chocolate fish and chips mate and I was like oh no oh not after the fucking curtain fungus yeah

Starting point is 00:39:04 what could I do fix it with or if you could fucking curtain fungus. Yeah. What could I fix it with? Well, you could try some fucking sweet peanuts on it. That'll fix it. Number three, sweet tobacco. I don't know what that is. He doesn't mean... I think it might be the shredded chocolate that you can buy in pouches. Because that used to be a thing you can get.

Starting point is 00:39:20 I don't understand this. Or it's the cigarettes. You know, it's like candy cigarettes. No, because he mentions in that big list that you read at the beginning, he says candy cigarettes is a different category. So I'm looking this up. Yeah, look up that while I read up the last one. What's it called? Sweet tobacco?

Starting point is 00:39:32 It just says sweet tobacco. Number two is space dust, which I presume is like just basically popping candy. It is. And then number one, you can't go wrong, it is the one you see on every poster for 70s nostalgia. It is the flying saucers. I don't like them. I don't like...

Starting point is 00:39:46 Rice paper with sherbet in the middle. I don't like the rice paper. It's very cardboardy. I used to love rice paper as a kid. I used to buy sheets of it and just eat it. I find it very sort of plain tasting and cardboardy. Do you know what I'm getting at? No, I do.

Starting point is 00:39:56 I do. I get it. I don't like those. I don't like any of those. Well done fucking you, Daddy Grom Groms. What do you mean Daddy Grom Groms? Daddy Grom Groms. That's a terrible top ten.

Starting point is 00:40:05 I would have... That is bestsellers on the website. I'd have those pint Daddy Grom Groms? Daddy Grom Groms. That's a terrible top ten. I would have... That is bestsellers on the website. I'd have those pint... What are they called? As of 2007. Go on. What are those ones I mentioned? The pint glass...

Starting point is 00:40:13 Yeah, the little Shandy Chews or something. What are they called? Shandy Chews. Maybe. Shandy. Did you find out what sweet tobacco is? Shandy bottles. Shandy bottles would be my number one.

Starting point is 00:40:20 Yeah. I like pineapple cubes. Yeah. I like fucking fizzy cola bottles. Not there. Fizzy cola. No no not in that top ten fucking ridiculous unbelievable

Starting point is 00:40:27 I wouldn't have fucking those fucking flying saucers all those those cupcake things near any of this where's the lemon drops

Starting point is 00:40:35 wah pear drops I like as well lemon drops pear drops jelly babies beet drops bzzzzzzzz wob wob wob wob wob doobity bop doobity bop doobity bop doobity b. Is that your beat?

Starting point is 00:40:47 That's your beat. Hurry up with sweet tobacco because I want to wrap this segment up and this so far is not leading to a strong enough finale for this segment. Spanish gold sweet tobacco, a quarter of. What is it? Here we go.

Starting point is 00:41:02 Tell me. I'm telling you. Let me just go to the website. Oh, I'm going to have to loosen the strings around my neck. Hang on. It's taken me two a quarter of. Right, good. That's good. When I first launched a quarter of blah blah blah blah blah blah

Starting point is 00:41:16 Tell me what sweet candy is. I'm here. I'm there with you. It is a delicious combination of coconut strands dipped in chocolate powder. There you go. And look at it. And served like tobacco. It looks like a nightmarish, like,

Starting point is 00:41:29 it looks like someone's had a bad case of the old grumbles. It looks like if you comb the hair of your 98-year-old nan and that fell out into a plate. You'd take it to the doctor. Or it looks like what happens when you move that cabinet that's been in your kitchen for 50 years, and then when you open it, everything crumbles and turns to dust and then those one of those drops in your mouth by accident and it's too late to to stop swallowing and it goes down then you

Starting point is 00:41:53 wonder if you've got like asbestos poisoning yeah or dirt rot yeah it looks like yeah it looks like bits of like extremely old insulating tape that have fallen off or something you know what i mean after they've been like fruit doesn't look very appetizing does it just doesn't look great at all extremely old insulating tape that had fallen off or something. You know what I mean? After they've been like through... It doesn't look very appetising, does it? It just doesn't look great at all. And also, it makes me wonder, is that really a heritage confection? I've never heard of it.

Starting point is 00:42:13 I've never heard of that. I don't get a quarter of that. It must be a different part of the fucking world. Fuck off, sweet tobacco. He's made it up and he's fucking flogging it on his stupid website. He's addicting people to it, probably. Excuse me me a quarter

Starting point is 00:42:25 off. I'm trying to get hold of Fizzboppers. Do you have any? I'd love to get some. And he's sitting there going,

Starting point is 00:42:31 oh, fuck it. Yes, love. We'll send you some in the post. What have we got for you? Just put up some fucking sweet tobacco

Starting point is 00:42:38 in a bag. I'll tell you what, get some of that chocolate dust. I'll dip my dick in it. Make it a little bit gloopy and then we'll put it into bags

Starting point is 00:42:45 and then little old lady will eat them all down and we'll say there you go there's your fizz boppers love darling I'm leaving fair enough darling I'm a horrible husband

Starting point is 00:42:55 you really are I keep donking my balls and things you keep putting your dick in this confection your tea the veg box and the freezer

Starting point is 00:43:01 I'm always dipping it I'm always leaving my spout we've libelled an actual company today have we? yeah you have quarter off yeah you say that they're dunking their knob joy

Starting point is 00:43:12 in their packets of smash I'm not going to order any finger of fudge from them put it that fucking way and that's that segment. Paul. Yes. I've got a new bit. Go on.

Starting point is 00:43:34 It's a new way of doing the annoying Ganon's Golden Games thing. I'll take anything new at this point. I was lying in bed today. Yeah? Having a wank. Tell me more. And then, tell me more,

Starting point is 00:43:41 did you pull on your pork? Tell me more, tell me more, did you rub your big pork? Tell me more. Tell me more. Did you rub your big stork? Aha. Bum, bum. Aha. Bum, bum.

Starting point is 00:43:48 Aha. So am I coming. Oh, my big Thomas. So am I coming. It works wonders. Sticky business. My little titty. Struck myself until I get sticky.

Starting point is 00:44:04 Aha. Aha. Aha. Aha. Oh! stroke myself until i get sticky oh tell us from the fucking dance floor oh go on the other night djing yeah young lady comes up does the whole very annoying have you got this no tropey thing of saying can i ask a question right yes can i ask for a request yes do you know what i mean it's like i do not need this i don't need this fucking preamble it's obvious you your request i mean what else you here for yeah and also since when do you need my permission to ask a question you don't ask a permission she's being polite but whatever it's bullshit redundant i agree we've had this discussion we've had this and you know what it's because they know that they're asking for something fucking culturally unacceptable for any thinking human and what did

Starting point is 00:44:50 this particular lady ask for this week she said uh you got anything off the grease soundtrack literally grease to use the words grease soundtrack that she doesn't even you know she doesn't even have a particular song you just you should have said you're not the one that i want why don't you move out of here like greece lightning yeah and tell me more tell me more tell me more uh what other songs are in greece that's it you'll be my girl for all seasons so that's greece too isn't it it's funny i can remember the songs from greece too more than I can remember the songs from Grease 1. Summer Loving's the big one.

Starting point is 00:45:27 Reproduction. Reproduction. Did you have it on VHS or something? My mum liked the Grease movies. Yeah, there you go. I don't like the Grease movies. I don't either. And also, I will not, you know,

Starting point is 00:45:40 just, it would take the whole tone of the place down. I mean, it's not the most classy venue, but honestly, it's like... What, are you going to go from Stevie Wonder or James Brown to fucking John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John? Do you know what I mean? That would get you thrown out of the DJ society. It would.

Starting point is 00:45:53 Anyway, are you ready now? Yeah, sorry. Two minutes 40 and we're just getting into the jingle. Go on. People might be wondering what we're going to do now in this part of the show, Paul. Well, yes. I hope they introduce it,

Starting point is 00:46:03 but I'd like you to do that too. What's it there? Oh, it's Norman Wisdom's here to do a little link. Paul, you're not allowed to speak over me. I'm doing a bit, okay? We've had this discussion. No interrupting, because it makes editing harder for you. Oh, fuck off.

Starting point is 00:46:19 Don't use that against me. No, it makes it... I'm going to get this out. I'm going to get this out. Some are coming. Show me your knobbing. Oh, what's that? against me because it suits you now. I'm going to get this out. I'm going to get this out. So I'm going to go in. Show me your nubbin. And what's that there? Now shut up.

Starting point is 00:46:33 I can't remember how it goes now. Good, because it was obviously that good. And what's that there? It's Gannon. And what's he going to do? Gannon. And what's he going to do?

Starting point is 00:46:41 Gaze. And what's he going to do all together? Gannon, go, go. And what's that there? Gannon. What's he going to do? Gannon. What's he going to do? Guys, and what's he going to do all together? Get a gold game and what's that there? Get in. What's he going to do? Golden.

Starting point is 00:46:49 What's he going to be? Guys, and what are we doing all together? Right, we're going to stop this. I'm stopping this. What's all that? I'm just stopping this

Starting point is 00:46:57 for the sake of your own reputation. What's he going to do over there? Get a... Only you're enjoying this we'll set that I'll just do one clean take I'll do one clean take of it what's it here

Starting point is 00:47:12 Ganon what's it going to do Golden and what's it all about games they're going to go games thank you it's Ganon's Golden Games everybody

Starting point is 00:47:18 yes it's the part of the show where I go into oh I've lost all interest now what's it going to do you're just fucking like an enthusiasm assassin you've just fucking now. What's he going to do? He's just fucking... Like an enthusiasm assassin. He's fucking ruined it.

Starting point is 00:47:27 What's he going to do? Okay, I can't go. You know what? From this point on, I'm going to cut the jingles for your segments. I'll do. I'll perform your jingles, baby.

Starting point is 00:47:38 Eli's Noodle Kitchen Show. He makes noodles, don't you know? Instant boiled or maybe fried. Oh, you can't be denied fine but that's not what that segment's called so you've i mean you can fine do your whole like noodle kitchen lab he everything he does in his life makes me sad everything he does makes me

Starting point is 00:47:57 feel appalled i hate myself for getting involved with him that was a decent rhyme so uh what game are we playing on gannon's Golden Games today, Paul? As people like to know, I like to buy board games based on... Do they like to know it? I don't. Just start. Move on. As people may be aware, I like to buy board games based on TV properties. Yes.

Starting point is 00:48:18 Whether sitcoms or game shows, I don't care. I like getting board game versions of them and I got a copy of QI. QI copy of qi qi the show that started in the early 90s mid 90s i want to say early 2000s yeah because the thing is i used to love qi but now i can't watch it because it just seems like it's an excuse for a lot of stand-ups all owned by the same company to riff on the exact same loose stand-up material rather than engage in the game it used to be steven fry brought you on the show

Starting point is 00:48:45 asked you questions that were really hard but used to get points if you were interesting right that was kind of interesting in itself that if you didn't know the answer you could maybe give an interesting thing and get a point but now it's basically who's the dumb dipshit alan david let's see how many negative points we can give him and everyone can just riff on being a prick now yeah i mean i don't think qi should be blamed it's been a sort of degeneration of the standard of television comedy over the years in general because panel shows are like the reality tv at reality tv of drama we like drama shows are like becoming harder to make because they cost so much money so now they're making they used to make more reality tv

Starting point is 00:49:19 blah blah yeah yeah panel shows are the comedy equipment with that don't bother making a sitcom or a sketch show or Saturday Night Live format just put all these fucking stand-ups in a room and they can all riff on oh look they're talking

Starting point is 00:49:30 about toilets yeah so it's essentially it's a way of saving money but QI wasn't like that when it started no it was it was on the radio first is that right no it

Starting point is 00:49:39 was it was definitely a TV show and what was nice about it was on the panel you'd have people you'd never usually see on those kind of shows like Howard Goodall who was a musician who for instance people were known for he did the music for Blackadder uh and Red Dwarf right or an author but now it's just like

Starting point is 00:49:54 only stand up. Phil Jupitus fucking whoever. The same same sort of uh panel that you'd get on other shows. On any other like 8 out of 10 whatever, or whoever performs on Live at the Apollo. Well, the whole world seems to sort of have gone that way, because television, there's reasons for it, other than comedy just being crap. You know, television is under a lot of budgetary pressure, because people aren't watching it as much, do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:50:17 And they've gone online, and they listen to podcasts, for example, and stuff. I wouldn't. You wouldn't listen to us. Fuck that. I wouldn't listen to this podcast, no. I'd be embarrassed to wouldn't listen to this podcast no i'd be embarrassed to be a part of this podcast right weird weird moment so it's 2003 okay wonderful and here's the thing i think the reason why qii liked it is not i mean it maybe sounds a bit pretentious but i like the fact that it was like pro intellect it was pro information yeah pro and now it's like it kind of almost feels embarrassed by being smart and also

Starting point is 00:50:45 the comedy came out but it wasn't the main focus it was interesting stuff was the focus and like you say i like a diverse type type of different types of guests you know i like that people you wouldn't see on a panel musicians like you say and actors and musicians authors writers philosophers i don't know whatever but not just the usual stable of faces that are convenient. And they're not touring right now. So fucking whatever, put them on the panel show and let them talk about whatever. Airplane food. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:14 So this board game, now I looked at the reviews on Board Game Geek and all the reviews said this board game's shit. And you know what? It kind of is. It lacks none of the sparkle of the TV show. It lacks none of the sparkle. I'm sorry to keep picking you up on this. Do a click click.

Starting point is 00:51:26 It has none of the sparkle, or it lacks all of the sparkle of QI. Is that better? Yeah, either of those work, but what you said didn't. Thank you. I get there eventually. Not eventually enough, though. So, this board game is basically very simple. You answer questions, you move around the board.

Starting point is 00:51:41 The first person to get to the end wins. If you get a question correct, you go forward. If you get a question wrong you go back if there's snakes and ladders kind of like snakes so what was the big uh problem that people had with the reviews you saw and what would you say it was dull it's basically when you play you have to play it with three or more and there's only two of us we're going to play a very simple version but the idea is you roll three dice that we're going to keep one is how many you move on the board the other two dictate the the question number yeah right you move around and then you'd answer it but not you wouldn't answer on your own the rest of the people involved would answer it and then people would press a buzz

Starting point is 00:52:16 if they think the other person's wrong and then the quiz master has to get has to tell them which one is correct and give them minus points if they didn't correctly burst in and it's like convoluted and also sounds like a different kind of game. Sounds like Call My Bluff or Balderdash or something, you know, or Am I Lying To You? or one of those ones. I literally bought this game for the buzzer because it comes with the famous QI klaxon, which sounds like this.

Starting point is 00:52:41 That's the klaxon they play when you give the obvious answer. But wrong. No, it can be right, but if it's the That's a collection they play When you give the Obvious But wrong No it can be right But if it's the obvious answer You know So you try not to have The most obvious answer

Starting point is 00:52:51 Yeah So what we're going to do Is we're going to play the game Where we're going to roll three dice Use the white dice For the moves forward And then the other two dice To come up with the question

Starting point is 00:52:59 Number Okay What happens is You see the board's got Blue, green, yellow I see I'll be operating the board Yeah

Starting point is 00:53:04 Blue Technical reasons Green, red, green, yellow. I see. I'll be operating the board here. Blue. For technical reasons. Green, red, blue, yellow squares, right? Paul's entrusted me with his golden game. Yes. If you land on a coloured square, that's the book we go from. So if you land on nine, which is yellow, we'd get the question from the yellow book. Fine.

Starting point is 00:53:18 So here's how we're going to play it. We're going to take turns. There's four books, four different colours. You've got yellow, blue, red and green. Said that. If you'd been paying attention, you wouldn't have had to repeat that. And I could edit it out to save grace, but I hate you and it's staying in.

Starting point is 00:53:30 Here's how we're going to play it. We're going to try and go as far as we can in 15 minutes, but here's what I'm saying. Maybe you'll get to the end in 15 minutes and win. So then it's over if you get there first or I get there first or whoever's furthest up the board. What I think we should do is this. Roll three move and you have an option right when you land on the question you can either try and answer it or give me an

Starting point is 00:53:53 interesting fact that's close to the question so if the question was winnie the pooh who invented winnie the pooh if you didn't know who it was you could say ah yes but did you know disney have made more winnie the the poo original stories and blah blah blah did and i'd be like that is interesting okay and then i'd give you a point and you can move one space i wish that was an example where you actually did use a real fact that you knew about willie the poo but it wasn't i was vague enough to not bother okay but if i find your question or wrong or your interesting point uninteresting you get the klaxon okay and you go back three spaces fine Fine. That sounds doable.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Yeah? I'm ready to play this. And they're a chance card, so we'll figure out what they say when we reach a chance square. But it's stuff like move forward, go back. That's like Monopoly, isn't it? Yeah. That's bullshit. So, we're going to start Cheap Show's QI Rated Boot now! Thank you. I'm Andy

Starting point is 00:55:13 I'm Andy Totsvig I'm Andy Totsvig I'm Andy Brother Oh yeah it's Andy Why did I say Andy? I don't know Because I was thinking

Starting point is 00:55:20 of that Andy guy the comedian who's also like that with no neck and he's all like this My name's Andy and I'm tall like this. With a beard. Yeah, he's bald, isn't he?

Starting point is 00:55:28 I can't remember his name. Anyway, two squat neck comedians. We're going to move straight on. On the show today, we've got Professor Nubbledy Bubbub, who's an expert in fishing. And also we've got Margaret Rubbity Dub Dub. Oh, mate. Who is a world famous celloist.

Starting point is 00:55:44 Paul, can I just interject one thing here? Comedian and satirist, Alan. Mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum You're not a stern name. You're not a stern name. That one's Alan. That one's Billy Bob. That one's Chuckles. That one's Phil. That one's Adam. Could I try? Yeah, go on. And on QI today, we have Professor Vincent Garatinar. Oh, yeah, that's better. That was better.

Starting point is 00:56:14 That was better. Garatinar. Vincent Garatinar. What's he an expert on? Fish scales and the iridescent lights of fir trees. And then we also have singer Sandy McNallywag. Also better than you want. And of course she's famous for her hit, Touch Me on the Blonde Bit.

Starting point is 00:56:32 Oh yeah, this is all gold, mate. No, I'm glad you were correcting me. And lastly, comedian John Twonuk. Twonuk? John Twonuk, who's just off his world tour of his groundbreaking show Fuck Me, I've Got a Potato. Good.

Starting point is 00:56:47 Can we get on with this, Paul? Let's get on with it. Do you want to go first? Yeah, sure. I've got the dice here. So what do you want to be? Red or green? I'll go green this time.

Starting point is 00:56:54 I'll be red. Okay. Right, see how the board is split in half so you can either go up or down. The moving counters are just little symbols. Magnifying glasses.

Starting point is 00:57:02 That's what they are meant to be. Magnifying glasses with an I in it. That's the... Oh, I see. It's glasses with an I in it. That's the... It's a logo. So look, you see on the board, it says you can go off in different directions. So once you pick one, you're locked into it. So one goes one away up the board

Starting point is 00:57:12 and the one goes the other way. So wherever you go, I'll go in the opposite direction. One goes one away and then the other goes the other way. Right, so you have to roll three dice. Whatever your white dice reads is how many moves are on the board you go.

Starting point is 00:57:24 And then we add all the three numbers to come up with a three-digit number for the question. We need a three-digit number for the question. Yeah, because that's what they are in the books. Yeah, but which digit

Starting point is 00:57:32 do I take first? It's white, red, blue in that order. Okay. All right, good. He's going for his first roll. Can I just say before I go, it's just not very well designed.

Starting point is 00:57:40 No, it's not. Visually, it's not appealing. It's just they haven't really... No. It feels low effort, doesn't it? Very... Basic. Yeah, low effort. doesn't it? Very... Basic. Yeah, low effort.

Starting point is 00:57:46 Are there different categories, the different coloured books? I think so, but I don't really know. Shall I just go? Right. You start the timer. The game show segment of this thing starts now. Okay, I've got white one. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:00 Blue and then red. Blue six, red two. Right, so move your dice, move your counter one space. I decide if I go one way or the other way. You pick it whichever way you want to go now. So that's yellow. So what was the number again? White, red.

Starting point is 00:58:14 162. 162. Right, here is your question. Remember, you can either try and answer it. There are multiple choice, by the way. Okay. Or you can give me an interesting fact. If you get it right, you'll go forward two space.

Starting point is 00:58:25 If you give me an interesting fact, you go one. Okay, sure. I'm ready for this. Right, 162. How many other cover agents working for Germany

Starting point is 00:58:31 were there in Britain at the end of the Second World War? Was it none, about 100, or nobody knows? And one of them is a klaxon answer, which if you answer that one,

Starting point is 00:58:41 you get the klaxon. I think you have to go back a space. I think that, I'm just going to speculate here, I think the klaxon one is nobody you have to go back a space. I think that... I'm just going to speculate here. I think the klaxon one is nobody knows, probably. Is it none? You going to commit to that?

Starting point is 00:58:49 I don't know anything interesting about German spies, that's for sure. Oh, all right. Well, then the answer is... None! You're correct. Britain had a very good record during the war of capturing German spies and sometimes converting them to double agents. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:02 So Eli goes forward two spaces. Two from this space? Yeah. Does this count as one of the spaces? Okay. I'm going to go in the opposite direction now. You're going to go two other way? Shall I roll the dice for you just to make it easier?

Starting point is 00:59:12 I'll roll the dice on this carpet here. Don't roll them. Don't just pass them in. I've got them. Now they're all over the floor, you stupid. Balloon fingered fuckwad. Balloon fingered he's been saving. It didn't really hit.

Starting point is 00:59:22 I wasn't saving that one. I'm saving my good ones. I'm chucking you this last dice. Yeah. You beef-pom twat. Now, Paul, you should just let me roll the dice for you because this is going to get tedious. I'm not going to try and cheat.

Starting point is 00:59:39 Oh, I'm only moving one space as well. Right, so that's one, four, and five. So, move me forward one space to the blue space there we go and now pass me the blue book and you have to read me question 145 145 from the blue book okay yeah there we go right i'm very smart i'm gonna get this right just keep wasting your time let's is going. Well, look. Here we go. Come on.

Starting point is 01:00:06 Okay, you ready? Yes. According to a ruling of the Catholic Church in 864 AD... Kids are legally cattled now to them. What should be the penalty for a bee that caused the death of a person by stinging? Right. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 01:00:23 According to the Catholic Church, circa 845 AD. Right okay according to the catholic church circa 18 uh 845 a.d right a the b should be hanged b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b the hive should be suffocated. Right. Or C, there should be no penalty. I am going... I don't have a fact about bees. Do you? You don't know either, do you? I'm going to say it is... In case you get the klaxon, pass me the klaxon.

Starting point is 01:00:55 So, again, you're... I'm going to say the hive should be suffocated. That's incorrect. Ah! What was the right answer? Oh, no, that is the right answer. You fucking idiot! So I go forward two spaces.

Starting point is 01:01:06 Right. I'm not used to this book. I've only just seen it. You're not used to reading and moving objects with your hands. Do you want to hear the fact? Yeah. The ruling from the Council of Worms in Germany declared that the hive was allowed to continue to honey.

Starting point is 01:01:21 Mate, have you got a... I'll read it. I think I need glasses, you know that? Yes. It's all that wanking you do. Absolutely ruin. And careful of the cable. I hate you!

Starting point is 01:01:29 Come on. This game... Can I just say... Two questions in. The theory that you go blind from wanking is literally over 100 years old. I've tested that theory. This is not even 70s end of the pier humour.

Starting point is 01:01:41 This is literally so tropey. Just come on, buck up your ideas ideas at least when i go on a flight of fancy i go you know you know what i do your bad eyesight that is down to your copious amount of drinking and hard drugs that you take in the years of your life when you've been looking after your body so now you've fucking ruined it and it's a clapped out shithole that no one's going to love or want ever happy is that trite and end of the pier? You fucking spammed thumbed twat. That's just mean.

Starting point is 01:02:08 Come on. That was just mean. Yeah, it is. No one likes it when you say things like that to me. I don't care. You know that.

Starting point is 01:02:12 They don't. I don't like them and I don't like you. They told me. I don't need them. They cringe when you're mean to me like that.

Starting point is 01:02:18 They cringe. Snowflake. You know, you're the Nigel Farage of this fucking show. You're the Lord Rhys Bogg. A ruling from the Council of Worms

Starting point is 01:02:29 in Germany declared that if the hive was allowed to continue to honey, no, the honey would be demonically tainted. Demon honey. Yeah, I'd have some of that.

Starting point is 01:02:38 I'd have some fucking demon honey. Yeah. Come here, darling. I'm going to give you some demon honey. I have dabbed my knob end with demon honey and now it's going to shoot fire.

Starting point is 01:02:46 The fire of hell. Up your quam-o! Okay, move on. Roll the dice. Up your quam. Roll the dice. Oh, okay. Take the book, man.

Starting point is 01:02:55 I'm going to suffocate your hive with my demon honey. Okay, I've got... Again, we can't get one. So you've got one, five... Is it one, five, six? Is it white, blue... Five, six, yeah. Is it white, six is it white blue yeah white blue red white blue red okay yeah are you sure yeah that's what it was the last time right okay so i've got one

Starting point is 01:03:11 five six then and i'm going one one space yeah i can only go up here right yeah okay i'm on yellow so one five six yeah yellow book if you were accused of witchcraft in england the 15th and 18th 15th and 16th centuries, what were your chances of being acquitted? Is it A, 0, B, about 1 in 3, C, 3 in 4, or C, or D?

Starting point is 01:03:33 Oh, no, sorry. Yeah, it's C. It's only C. I was going to read out the answer there. You stump-minded fucking stuffed pillow of a human.

Starting point is 01:03:42 You're like a pillow that's got mildew and a cat has shat in, but it's all dried out. That's what comes out of a human. You're like a pillow that's got mildew and a cat is shatting but it's all dried out. That's what comes out your face. Mate. Dried up cat shit.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Three years old. I'm all dried out. I got a whole lot of something for a handful of nothing. All dried out. My dippy stick is dry and it comes

Starting point is 01:04:00 and I'm just firing out some dust upon my dick. Oh God. So it was either A, zero chances. B, one in four. Or C, three in four. I think the klaxon is zero. You are correct.

Starting point is 01:04:12 And I think it's more likely one in four or three in four, did you say? One in three or three in four. I think one in three. That's a klaxon. No, you're wrong. I'm doing it because you're wrong. It was three and four three and four

Starting point is 01:04:26 most English witch trials resulted in the accused being acquitted the high rate was probably because torture was not permitted in the obtaining of confessions

Starting point is 01:04:33 in Scotland where torture was used guilty verdicts were much more common no shit no shit about that are you a witch laddie oh I'm gonna rip your dick off

Starting point is 01:04:42 if you say no this is not the subject for you to make a joke like that about. It is. Also, it was all women that they hung and stuff. There were some men. Here's an interesting fact. Iceland got the witch trials about 100 years later than everyone else in the world.

Starting point is 01:04:55 And they got special trousers made of skin. I don't know about that, but I can also tell you that there was quite a few male people put on trial as witches in Iceland at that time as well. And do you know how you could uh get acquitted if you were in iceland and accused of being a witch you had to have 20 friends who could say you weren't if you could find a beat around 20 friends or enough friends to say oh he's not a witch he's all right they'd be like all right fair enough so if you're a lonely hermit living alone it's like you're a witch like i am fucked that is not fair is it and it also uh back in those days the population

Starting point is 01:05:26 a lot smaller especially in iceland i would have thought yeah um be hard to actually 20 people exactly like are you a witch no right what about your mate is he a witch no i don't think he is either we're all right we're all together in like flint i thought you're gonna say you know what you had to do to prove you weren't a witch oh being dunked and stuff yeah no i thought you're gonna say thwop it out go is, is this a witch's dick? If I got my witch... Mate, if I got my dongle wingle out in a witch trial,

Starting point is 01:05:49 I'll be accused of being Satan himself. Oh! He's got horns on. No, that's just your droopy nads, isn't it? Your droopy nads look like wilted horns.

Starting point is 01:06:00 No, my penis end looks just like a trotter. It looks just like a pig's trotter. What is that all about? I can run close to the ground. Is it my turn now? Yes, it is. No, it penis end looks just like a trotter. It looks just like a pig's trotter. What is that all about? I can run close to the ground. Is it my turn now? Yes, it is. No, it's not.

Starting point is 01:06:10 No, it's my turn. It's your turn. Here we go. Roll the dice. Oh, you got a two. Two, three, six. Two, three, six. So you're going to go two spaces.

Starting point is 01:06:18 So that means I go to... Oh, chance. Oh, no. No, the other way. You have to go the other way. Down towards the couch. Yeah, because I'm going the opposite direction of you. So that one. So it's a chance card. Oh, roll again. All right. I, no. No, the other way. You have to go the other way. Down towards the couch. Yeah, because I'm going the opposite direction of you. So that one.

Starting point is 01:06:26 So it's a chance card. Oh, roll again. All right. I roll again. Roll again. Three, six, six. Six, six. Right.

Starting point is 01:06:34 So three. One, two, three. Blue, three, six, six. So here's the book, and you need to do three, six, six. This is interesting, isn't it? Okay. You ready? Yes.

Starting point is 01:06:43 Where would you be if you were gong-goozling? Where would I be if I was gong-goozling. Where would you be if you were gong-goozling? Where would I be if I was gong-goozling? Where would you be if you were gong-goozling? In bed with me pants around by me knees as I'm watching Trisha from the 90s. You weirdo. Would it be A, on a canal bank? Oh. B, on a mountaintop?

Starting point is 01:07:02 Hmm. Or C, at the top of a tree I'm going to say canal bank. Yep, correct. The archaic word gonguzel referred to the act of staring at a canal or other body of water for no particular reason. Just standing there at the side gazing at the water.

Starting point is 01:07:20 Yeah, because you're just meditating, I guess. It's nice. Being a twat. You're a creepy twat. I like looking at a canal. Don't you like looking at a canal stationary for hours on end it doesn't say hours on end i'll just take a couple of minutes to go and look at a fucking canal oh it's my right where were you eli i was just down by the canal gobbloogling or whatever it's called gobbloogling you can't even remember anything you're pissing me off you really mean to me just now come on

Starting point is 01:07:44 i don't have a go at you. You should. Fucking hell. I was terrible. You just don't have the fucking imagination. I don't need to. I like you. Here's the dice.

Starting point is 01:07:50 Why am I doing this? Mate, can I be honest? The money and the fame. The word was dropped out of use, though the practice remains. Indeed it does. It does. We've often been caught canoodling by the canal.

Starting point is 01:08:05 What was it? Gone goozling. Oh, we do that as well. I'll gone goozle, yeah, by the canal. Your short term is really blitzed. Do you know that? It really is. Go, go.

Starting point is 01:08:13 Come on, hurry up. Why does it say, can I just ask a technical thing? Yeah. Next to the klaxon question, it has a little number, minus seven, it says. Maybe you go back seven spaces. We're not playing that. No.

Starting point is 01:08:22 Okay. Fuck that. Okay. Roll the dice. Let me just return. Blue, red, remember. No. Okay. Fuck that. Okay. Roll the dice. Let me just... White, blue, red, remember is the number. Three, three, two. Oh, three, three, two.

Starting point is 01:08:30 But what question? Do I go up? Yeah. Yellow. Three, two, three. Three, three, two. Three, three, two. Two.

Starting point is 01:08:36 Oh, a nice little short one. It's a true or false. Okay. Oh, that's a good one. True or false. Dragon's blood was a common ingredient in medical care in the 17th century. True. You're correct.

Starting point is 01:08:46 Dragon's blood was the name given to the resin obtained from the drakina plant. Right. Commonly known as the dragon's tree. You know what it actually was? Cumblossom. Spank. Spank. It is spank.

Starting point is 01:08:58 Doctor spank. Splashed up a tree. Oh, I don't know, love. I haven't got any dragon's blood in. I'll just go and make some in the back room. That's strange, because the doctor next door gave me demon honey. They're showing ye olde Tricia on the TV. I'm going to fucking spank it in his bucket and slap it on your wound.

Starting point is 01:09:15 Right, so you move forward two spaces, because you got that right. Yay! My rather dice time. How are we going to calculate whose furthest? Are we going different ways up the board? Because we're still moving moving the same amount of spaces just at the opposite end of the board. We're moving away from each other.

Starting point is 01:09:29 We're not moving the same amount. I don't understand what you mean. Two, four, five. Okay. I move forward two spaces. Red. So you have to get question 245. 245 from the red book.

Starting point is 01:09:40 So even though we're going opposite ways around the board, we're still moving the same amount of spaces to get to the end point, right? We just count whichever way. As close as to their own end point. Okay, you ready? Yes. Is Sturgeon kosher?

Starting point is 01:09:53 The fish? Or the politician? Nicola Sturgeon is not kosher. I don't know. I should know because I've been down on her. Oh, what? Aren't you the funny witty man? I was fucking noshing out Nicola Sturgeon.

Starting point is 01:10:06 Oh, God. I was splurging in the Sturgeon. I made an incursion into the Sturgeon. Oh, there's our fucking satire attempt for this week. Just coming in like these politicians. No, I've been in the lectern, like Police Academy style. That's why she's sometimes making a speech. Yeah, go on.

Starting point is 01:10:27 You know, her eyes kind of wander off. That's me noshing her off. Good, good stuff. Made an incursion into the sturgeon. Yeah, good. No one heard that. Splurgeon, incursion, it's like the sturgeon. Ugh.

Starting point is 01:10:42 Right. I do quite fancy it, anyway. Go on. God, this is unpleasant stuff. Is sturgeon... Come on. Is sturgeon kosher? That fancy it. Anyway. God, this is unpleasant stuff. Come on. Is sturgeon kosher? That's it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:54 Yes, no, or C, it depends on how orthodox you are. Oh, God. I mean, I want to go with C, but I think the answer is no. You should have gone with your instincts there. It is C. It depends on how orthodox you are. Strictly speaking, sturgeongeon isn't permitted under Jewish law, but it's considered something of a marginal case. So I'd still be right then to say no.

Starting point is 01:11:17 And there are several strands of Judaism I thought you were going to do da, do da. Do da, do da. That do permit the eating of the fish. Fair enough. You roll the dice, you all go. Alright. 2, 3, 5. This is our last roll each. 1, 2. Red book.

Starting point is 01:11:35 Pass me the red book, please. And you say 2, 3, 5. I do say 2, 3, 5. 2, 3, 5. That's what I say. I say 2, 3, 5. The monkey went to heaven in the T. Caroline. The lion broke. The monkey got choked. And the oil went to heaven In the tree caroline The line broke The monkey got choked And the oil went to heaven

Starting point is 01:11:47 In a little rowboat Clap hands Clap your hands Clap your hands That's not a song It's not a song though Right 235 Do you know when the monkey got choked

Starting point is 01:11:54 Do you know what that's referring to Masturbation 235 Is that it Is this it 235 235 is it It's a true or false

Starting point is 01:12:01 Is this my last question Yes The town of Churchill In Mantee You have to go back a space by the way false. Is this my last question? Yes. The town of Churchill in Manti... You have to go back a space, by the way. Yeah, I thought you'd done it. True or false. The town in Churchill in Manitoba, Canada...

Starting point is 01:12:11 Churchill in Manitoba, Canada. ...has a jail for polar bears. True or false? I feel like I say true, it's going to klaxon my arse off. Don't fucking... Don't. True or false? False.

Starting point is 01:12:22 Shit. You go back a space. Move it. Back to chance. There we False. Shit. Ah, you go back a space. Move it. Back to chance. Here we go. True, the town is a tourist centre, largely because of the large number of polar bears in the area. When they stray into town, however,

Starting point is 01:12:33 they are tranquilised and held in a specially constructed cell until they can return to the wild. Yeah. Polar bears are proper dangerous animals. Oh, yeah, no, fuck it. I don't want to face one. Apex predators. They'll literally eat you. I don't want to mate one. Apex predators, they'll literally eat you.

Starting point is 01:12:45 I don't want to mate one, but mate, if I was a polar bear just popping through town, shortcut to get home. Oh, here we go again. He likes it. No, maybe they like addicted to it, like smack heads.

Starting point is 01:12:53 Go on, shoot us. Shoot me, you fucker. You pig. Use two darts. You fucking shoot me, you pig. Oh, here they are, fuck it. Yeah. I'll wake up tomorrow,

Starting point is 01:13:03 cum all over my fairy white tub. Why does he have to cum? Oh, six, what? Six, two, one. So move me six spaces. Fuck you. Six, two, one. Ask me question 621, please.

Starting point is 01:13:17 And this is it. It's the last one. If I get this, I mean, I've won anyway, I think at this point. I think you've won, yeah. But go on. I might go back three spaces or seven.

Starting point is 01:13:23 Who knows? Why? You can only go back one. Because sometimes it says, if you get the clacks and they go back seven spaces, it tells you. Yeah, but we said we. I think you've won, yeah. But go on. I might go back three spaces or seven. Who knows? Why? You can only go back one. Because sometimes it says, if you get the clacks and they go back seven spaces, it tells you... Yeah, but we said

Starting point is 01:13:28 we weren't going to do that rule. Oh, okay. Well, then fine. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Queen Elizabeth I... Yes. True.

Starting point is 01:13:34 ...spent £10,000 on buying what? On buying what? On what did she buy for £10,000? A, a giant panda head. Okay, I can see that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. B, a giraffe's neck. Why would you want just the can see that B. A giraffe's neck

Starting point is 01:13:46 Why would you want just the neck? Sounds like an expensive giraffe's neck as well What would you use it for? Like a banister for your stairs or something? Like some kind of fucking huge fleshlight I'm the fucking queen And I want a big giraffe's fucking neck to slide down Instead of using the stairs Like a dildo

Starting point is 01:14:01 Wearing a panda head and fucking two big guns Is it C, Paul? Yeah. A unicorn horn. So we've got A, giant panda head, B, a giraffe's neck, or C, a unicorn horn. So I'm going to go ahead and say unicorn horn because I think they thought unicorns still could have existed. And if some cunt rocked up and went, you know what, darling, you want a fucking unicorn horn? She went, fucking do I?

Starting point is 01:14:24 You're right. Yay. So I go forward two spaces two yeah we've always gone forward two spaces you've gone forward two spaces no I haven't of course you have

Starting point is 01:14:32 I've only been moving myself one it's it's oh here we go you're disqualified Eli's lost so therefore the game was fundamentally flawed

Starting point is 01:14:40 it is and you are disqualified I've been telling you to move two so if you haven't been moving two you haven't that's on you because you haven't. Because you, Eli Silverman, are a

Starting point is 01:14:49 wall sausage double family pack of hands. Alright? That's a good one, I like that. So, that's all we've got time for. Oh, I need to read to the unicorn bit. Powdered unicorn horn was believed in the 18th century, 16th century,

Starting point is 01:15:06 to be a powerful medicine, which is why Elizabeth I spent the equivalent of over a million pounds of today's prices on buying what was said to be a complete horn. And these days we call it doing a Boris. A bit of satire. And that's going to go to games. And that was, have I got news for you? Did you win?

Starting point is 01:15:26 Yeah, look how far around the board I went. No, we've drawn. No, we haven't. It's close though. It's not. I'll accept it. I'll accept it.

Starting point is 01:15:33 I'm just saying it's close. Ladies and gentlemen, I am the winner of QI and if any agents are listening who want me to be on the show with Andy Toksvig and Professor Farquhar, I will be there

Starting point is 01:15:43 to give you some bon mots. Oh yeah. I'm very excited. I knew I was going Farquhar. I'll be there to give you some bon mots. Oh, yeah. I'm very excited. I knew I was going to win this. I'm the best and you're the Alan Davis. Fine, I'll be the fucking Alan Davis. You brisket fingers. Right, see everyone.

Starting point is 01:15:54 Bye. After the break, sound effect now. Right, it's the part of the show everyone skips when they listen to a podcast. It's the wrap-up admin section. But don't worry, I've asked Eli to make interesting and amusing sounds off to the side of the microphone while I'm telling you facts. So are you ready, Eli, to keep this up bubbly?

Starting point is 01:16:12 Keep the Cheap Show vibe going. I'll give a fact and you give me a wibble wobble with the mouth at the end, alright? Well, we hope you've enjoyed this week's episode. All the information you need is in the metadata for this podcast. So if you're stuck, just go to thecheapshow.co.uk. Links there to the merch page, to tickets for the live show to our patreon to a fact sheet about the live show tony's merch events merch the magazines spunk rock's new art it's all there thecheapshow.co.uk pictures that go along with this episode will be on the page for this episode eli jonathan for me. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:16:45 Well, if you want to support us on Patreon, if you'd like to do that, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. There's videos and podcasts and special behind the scenes things and videos and all sorts there. No matter the tier, you're going to get some kind of fun.

Starting point is 01:16:58 Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Venuson. Venuson where? Where? Venuson. What else? Oh yeah, we're on on social media you can find us on facebook or instagram but we're most chatty on twitter it's at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show and eli is gosh my lord if i can sneak a dog oh what you should give your name at this point yeah just say it again. And Eli is? Eli Snowid. You spell that E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. That's Twitter.

Starting point is 01:17:28 Well, I am on Twitter. And now give us a little sound effect or mad word. Granda. And if you want to email... Don't call me fat. My finger's fat. You can't. If you want to do any email type stuff, it's thecheapshowatgmail.com.

Starting point is 01:17:44 And that's it. Look, tickets still on sale for the live show we'd love to see you it's going to be a very special show as I say we've got Octavius King

Starting point is 01:17:50 Stuart Ashen Mr Biffo Ash Frith Ethan Lawrence some surprise guests that'll be calling in we've got some games excitement

Starting point is 01:17:58 oh there's so much to look forward to isn't there yes and the seats are going like hotcakes Paul so you really need to reach out there

Starting point is 01:18:04 and buy them before they all go and if you're So you really need to reach out there and buy them before they all go. And if you're a patron, you get a discount as well and there's information about that on our Patreon. But remember, give what you can,

Starting point is 01:18:11 but only if you can. Only if you can. Thank you very much. And I think we just need one big solid mouth grumble from you and we can get out of here. You're putting me

Starting point is 01:18:20 under pressure now. Oh, come on, mate. You've got to. Lickety split. Things are changing. Episode 300. We go legit after that. Smiggle lag. You come on, mate. You've got to. Lickety-split. Things are changing. Episode 300. We go legit after that. Smiggle lag.

Starting point is 01:18:27 You twat cunt. You fatness. You fat head. You fat mouth. I'm going to give you my demon honey. You've got fat teeth. It's time for Ganon's

Starting point is 01:18:35 demon honey to come out of my trotter cock and dribble upon thine beard. Oh, Lord Homunculi, save me. You have pudgy teeth. I've been reading that book, Silverman,

Starting point is 01:18:46 The Book of the Dead, the book that gives me supernatural powers. I really don't think you should mess with that, seriously. I've been reading it. Incantations, alchemy, resurrection, necromancy. It's all there. Mate, I've been bubbling and diving. I've been getting into it.

Starting point is 01:18:59 You've been bubbling. I've got big plans. Cheap Shit's not going to only be the biggest podcast in the world. It's going to be the biggest podcast in the world. In the underworld. And it'll all be because of my dark powers. You'll see them. I will rent the sky asunder.

Starting point is 01:19:12 Okay, good. You have fat teeth. Mate. No, that's not... You can't cry about that. I got fat teeth. You do, and your tongue gets all stuck up in them. Your big, fat, furry tongue.

Starting point is 01:19:23 You wait till I get my book out on you. Oh, you wait. You get your book out on me? I'll get my book out and thwop my spine on your chinny winner. I'll get my ticket out. Oh, you can stamp this ticket. At this point in the podcast, everyone can realise we run out of things to say or do of any wit. It was about three years ago, wasn't it?

Starting point is 01:19:38 We're just going to say goodbye. You're going to say goodbye. I'm going to say, fuck you, Paul, you fat-toothed twangler. I'll see you next week. Oh, bye, everyone.

CheapShow - Ep 292: Quite Uninteresting

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