CheapShow - Ep 293: Mystery Chocolate

Starting point is 00:00:00 Right. Oh, before we get started, I've just got to send the text. So bear with me a moment. I'm just typing it now. Sorry. Hang on one sec. Is this a bit? Please stop sending dick pics.

Starting point is 00:00:12 Thank you very much. Send. Your dad's got to stop texting me. Oh, fuck off. Seriously, tell your dad. Don't talk about my dad. That's off limits. What is it?

Starting point is 00:00:22 That's off limits. Will you tell him to stop sending pictures of his dick to me? Mate, no one believes this. We're starting again. I mean, this is not acceptable, mate. Listen, no one verbalises their text. I've got another text. Oh, it's another schlong picture.

Starting point is 00:00:40 Oh, he won't take no for an answer, your dad, will he? What have you got? Shut up. What have you got? Oh, here it is. Oh, he won't take no for an answer. Your dad, will he? What have you got? Shut up. What have you got? Oh, here it is. Oh, what's he got? Oh, no. I've just got to return a text, Paul.

Starting point is 00:00:50 Sorry. No, go ahead. I'll just... Yeah. Stop contacting me. Yeah. That's it. It's your dad.

Starting point is 00:00:59 Because he's fucking... He's stepped over the line. What's my dad been doing then? Sending pictures of his arsehole. Full doatsy. Maybe we should get your dad and my dad together. They could just send pictures back and forth. Can we not?

Starting point is 00:01:10 I liked it when he used to just talk about your mum exclusively in terms of vegetables being put in ovens. Yeah, well, your dad's crossed a line, hasn't he? My dad... Anyway, hello everyone. Welcome to Cheap Show. This is the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain

Starting point is 00:01:29 and bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. Do you want to say anything before I go to the credits? I don't think that's an acceptable way to start the podcast this week. I honestly don't and I think you know it as well. It's not good enough, Paul. That was not good enough. Are you unhappy with me? I'm unhappy both with you and myself for trying to join in, and it didn't work. Because what am I going to just say?

Starting point is 00:01:48 I'm having some kind of sexual dalliance with your dad. It's not funny, and it's not big or clever. What is it to do? A sexual dalliance with daddy do. How about that? No, I think we should start again. Stop it and start again. Dear listener, I, Paul Gannon, have had to start this episode again like that no i think we should start again stop it and start again dear listener i paul gannon

Starting point is 00:02:06 have had to start this episode again because i started this show with material eli didn't find appropriate so accordingly and to his wishes i have decided to start this cold open from scratch thank you paul for for agreeing to my phone's going off. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. What's this? You're fucking done, mate. Disgusting. Welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles.

Starting point is 00:02:45 It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle.

Starting point is 00:03:26 Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show. Hello, it's only me, Paul Gannon, and me good friend and co-host, partner in pod, Eli Silverman. Hello everybody, it's great to be back here on the pod again this week. Paul, what have we got coming up on the show? Well, we've got a smorgasbord of stuff today. And part of that smorgasbord is a little bit of food and a little bit of listening music A little bit of listening music? I'm having trouble, Eli, today

Starting point is 00:03:52 Why are you having so much trouble? I don't know, it's weird, right, so I feel like I've basically not slept enough is what I think it comes down to Well, this is the schedule that we've gone by, we do it on a Monday, but you work until the early hours every Monday, Paul. So, yes, it is tough for me.

Starting point is 00:04:08 But don't worry, I'm warming up. I'm just going to do my warm... You know what? I was just thinking as well. Right. We don't have a band character. You know, we don't have a character which is a band. Yes, we do.

Starting point is 00:04:17 Musicians and stuff. We don't. Strewn Onions, the folk psych pop band. They exist in your head. There was no real character. No, wait, my brain's kicking in. Oh, here we go. We did do a band thing,

Starting point is 00:04:29 didn't we once? Because there was all, I did that stupid, hello darling, let's do this thing darling. You want to play a song darling? I'll play a song for you. Did you?

Starting point is 00:04:37 Yeah. What were they called? I can't remember anything. Strewn Onions are the band of this group. The band of this pod. Have you fleshed them out? I fleshed out.

Starting point is 00:04:45 I did more than that. Did you flesh out your strewn onions? Well, they this group the band of this pod fleshed them out i fleshed out i did more than that did you flesh out your strewn onions well they've got a fucking tour van they call it the stink wagon oh right yeah and uh because of the smell already regretting this and it's fucking you get in the stink wagon strewn onions and uh the lead singer of strewn onions is notorious they call him windy norman windy norman you know what there's probably already names in existence for this band that's in our catalog somewhere in the character wiki um we can't remember the bass on bass is uh eric melange is obviously got the same drummer because they used to have pat matingle oh pat matingle what great with the paradiddles yeah the matingle paradiddles were like something to behold power Pat Matingall's paradiddles.

Starting point is 00:05:25 What was he called? Oh, his side project. His side project was called Paradiddles, wasn't it? Yeah. Matingall's paradiddles, yeah. This is going out of hand. String Onions, though, great.

Starting point is 00:05:35 Who played the organ? Well, it jumped around, but then you had Big Thumb McGee. Big Thumb, yeah. Dr. Robert Big Thumb McGee. Yeah, that's right. Oh, hang on, I've got his name. Robert Big Thumb McGee. Yeah, that's right. And there was also... Oh, hang on.

Starting point is 00:05:45 I've got his name. There was Double Johnson Hardwick. Double Johnson Hardwick. But who was the session player who went out on tour with them? Alex something or other. Alex Fatback Band. Something like that.

Starting point is 00:05:57 Yeah. They were good... Aren't we good at character development on Cheap Show? Anyway, look. Let's get this started. Hello. Welcome to the show.

Starting point is 00:06:10 We have redone these intros so many times i don't know what i've said well we've said a lot of shit that didn't really mean anything fundamentally the point is welcome to the cheap show podcast uh yeah we are going to do a taste testy kind of foodie thing today it was pointed out to us on twitter i rushed out to the shops and grabbed them we're going to test them on the show love it and then we've got a segment afterwards, which is, you know what? This might be the first ever muddle segment. Muddle segment? Where like two segments muddle and cross over. Muddle? It's both a platter

Starting point is 00:06:32 and a Ganon's Golden Games almost, isn't it? It is. It has elements of multiple segments, Paul. We're going to have to fight over jurisdiction of this segment. I mean, I have developed, as everyone now knows, the Ganon's Golden Game par excellence jingle,

Starting point is 00:06:48 which was on the preview. You respected it enough to put it onto the preview for this week. It is now ratified. Paul, is there any kind of housework you want to get out of the way? Yes, there's some important housework, so let's get this out of the way. As of recording this episode, which is the 1st of August 2022,

Starting point is 00:07:04 there is going to be a national rail strike in Britain on the day of our live show, August 13th, two weeks from now. It is massively inconvenient, and we realise that might put some people off or being unable to come. So what I will say is this, the fact sheet still exists on our main website website all the information you need if you decide to come to the live show what i'm going to add is links to national express flicks bus and mega bus fix bus yeah that's what happens at the back of the flicks bus beans beans get flick no they play 1990s retro puzzle games oh no that's Terrible. Let's go with the wanking one. We always do wanking, mate. Can we just not do wanking?

Starting point is 00:07:48 Yeah. In this one instance when we're trying to import information. Here, I'll do a line. I'll just do a line. Just off the cuff here, Paul. Go on. I went on that flicks bus the other day

Starting point is 00:07:56 banging my fucking clit. Great. No, you're... I was banging my clit like a drum. Talk about flick. More like fucking thump. I was banging my clit like a drum kit. Is that all you've got?

Starting point is 00:08:13 Seriously? Oh, go on the back of that bus. Blam, blam, blam. Oh, I gave my bean a proper fatback. Yes. This is your new term for today. Fatback, isn't it? Five minutes ago.

Starting point is 00:08:25 You're like Trump or something. China. Fatback. He just repeat what the last person said to you on the podcast. So, look, let me state that on the fact sheet, there will be links to cheap coach services that will get you around the country. It may mean that you have a longer journey

Starting point is 00:08:43 and coaches aren't anywhere near as fun as trains. have you ever been on a fucking train recently it'll be lucky if you get a seat frankly at least you get a seat on a coach they've been busy have they so yeah so all i'm saying is the fact sheet on our website on the main page at the top of the page has everything you need to know to get to the venue what happens at the venue and bus routes and nearby tube stations and things you can do to get around. Fantastic. Yes, it's going to be inconvenient, but also follow us on Twitter because there are people who are travelling down by car

Starting point is 00:09:12 and they've already said they're happy to give seats and rides down to people who are coming down. There's some car sharing going on. Follow us on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. We will retweet anyone who wants to offer a lift or needs a lift and maybe hopefully we can get some connections and people together to travel down together. Okay.

Starting point is 00:09:27 That would be the dream. Obviously, be careful because if you get a message saying, I'm Dr. Creepy and I'll give you a journey in my fat back. I was just realizing that as you were saying that. So, you know, be careful. Don't go with any old stranger who says they're going to the live show. Stranger danger, right? That's what they say.

Starting point is 00:09:45 So just, you know, be careful. Wouldn't it be awful if someone got murdered? Right, great. No, let's bring that up. Yeah. You're right. It would be awful. That's why we're saying be cautious.

Starting point is 00:09:55 Be respectful. Be considerate. This is taking a turn now. Mate, I'm just trying to be honest. I'm stressed about this live show as it is. And to know there's a fucking rail strike on the day is already a kind of... On top of the fucking Coldplay fucking up the hotels.

Starting point is 00:10:09 Well, it's going to fuck them up as well, isn't it? Yeah, but if they lose a small part of their audience, Coldplay aren't going to know. We won't go on because 15,000 people haven't turned up. What are the other 85 going to say? Not 100,000 people going to that Coldplay gig. You know what I mean? Please consult. We'd love everyone to come. And we hope 100,000 people going to that cold plug. You know what I mean? Please consult.

Starting point is 00:10:25 We'd love everyone to come and we hope as many of you still can come. We understand if you can't. The show is going to be filmed but it won't be released until we release episode 300 which will be a few weeks later.

Starting point is 00:10:36 And can we just sort of make an assurance to anyone who's thinking of coming that we're going to try and do a really good show? Mate, I think we are going to have a great show. We've been sweating it. We've been sweating it.

Starting point is 00:10:46 We've been sweating it. Yeah, we have been sweating it. It's because we haven't done a live show in so long and we've got such a big stage of this and we've decided to try and do what we can with the space we have, with the size of audience we've got to put on a great big twanging show. Hopefully it'll be good and worth any inconvenience getting there is what we're trying to say. Ticket information, fact sheet information, all go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk.

Starting point is 00:11:07 You'll find links to everything you need there. It's your one-stop shop for all information for the live show. Please come if you can. Don't worry if you can't. But honestly, the more the merrier, and we are going to put on a show you will enjoy. And we sign merch. Yeah, there's all sorts of merch.

Starting point is 00:11:22 If you go to the metadata on this podcast on your app, there are links to all the different merches and the magazines. Event's got another magazine on the way, so that's going to come out soon. We need to get some Sharpies. And the badges are on the way. The badges have been dispatched. Pin badge arrivo. Yes. So there's going to be so much fun and games. And have you told

Starting point is 00:11:40 them about the pin badges being defective? Yeah, I think we mentioned it last week. There'll be special limited edition ones. There'll be limited edition badges because the design isn't quite right and they gave Eli a Muppet lip. They've given me a fucking deformed lip. Because they didn't find the line for the thing. My lip looks like a mustache

Starting point is 00:11:56 outline. It does mean there's going to be 100 badges that'll be very unique because the next batch won't have that defect in. Okay. So that's exciting, isn't it? I'm excited. I'm going to call it the fat lit band badge collection ding ding ding dong ding oh here it is here's the noise right i think we should have a fucking rule right i've just thought of this paul yeah that thing you did with your mouth there do it again do it yeah oh with some effort. Oh, that's bullshit! You're not...

Starting point is 00:12:25 Yeah! Yay! You make me feel bad. Now, yeah, you knew you weren't doing it properly. Now, I think... That noise, don't talk to me in that noise. Don't address me in the noise. Should only be allowed when you're portraying the character of...

Starting point is 00:12:49 Judgemental, right? Oh, okay. Turn total mouth noise creature. You're like a little mouth noise frog. Ooh, look at the little mouth noise cannon frog, everyone. What's he got to say? Hello, little froggy man. What have you got to say?

Starting point is 00:13:06 Oh, exactly. Thank you. This week's really working for me paul so far it's the it's the comic bits in between the the housekeeping should we taste this fucking chocolate then or what i mean come on you've got fuck all this week funny the great thing about when i let you just talk yeah is when i just stare at you i see you go from angry to genuinely frightened. I don't get frightened. I'm not frightened. You're not frightened. I can talk about anything. I'll talk about anything you like.

Starting point is 00:13:28 That is the problem though. You talk about anything. Talk about something for a change. Hey, be something. Do something. Oh, are we going to attack? It's going to attack me just because you did

Starting point is 00:13:37 fucking three minutes of mouth noise shit. And I was just trying to fucking say, yes, the mouth noise, Paul, but only in that character. Something constructive. Something that we can move forward with. Yeah? Something... You dreary, skinned

Starting point is 00:13:52 Michelin man. Well, I'm not dreary. I'm not a Michelin man. How dare you? You're attacking my weight again. You're attacking your fat shaming me. You've got fucking stupid paisley turnips on your jean shorts. Great, that's all you've got to attack my turnips. They're quite fetching, but still mockable, I find.

Starting point is 00:14:08 I only found out about these because there was a... Here comes a terrible pun that he's going to try and shoehorn in. Because it was in an almanac of designs. I thought, that's a turnip for the books. Boom, boom! That was quite good, actually. I'm going to end it on that note. Is this the cheap eats section?

Starting point is 00:14:32 Can we even do that? Hey, we haven't done a cheap eats thing in a while. Let's do it. Here we go. Woo, woo! Oh, boy. Cheap Eats. Cheap Eats. Yay, Cheap Eats. Great, we should go on the road with that. That was just like a whole lot of love.

Starting point is 00:15:21 You were nicking a whole lot of love. I was nicking a whole lot of love. But did you know in the 90s, they remixed that with the song Asteroid, the Pearl and Dean theme. Remember that? It was just like a whole lot of love. You were nicking a whole lot of love. I was nicking a whole lot of love. But did you know in the 90s, they remixed that with the song Asteroid, the Pearl and Dean theme. Remember that? It was a remix. It worked so well.

Starting point is 00:15:37 Like a mashup is the word you're looking for. Even though one was a jingle made for a cinema chain and the other is obviously a hard piece of rock. Yes, but there's a lot of talk these days about how much Zeppelin ripped their stuff off. Really? Of blues, yeah, blues guys. Ripped off or just, you know...

Starting point is 00:15:54 They nicked whole songs of blues guys and didn't basically say that that guy... What, just put new lyrics over them or something? Sometimes they changed the lyrics, sometimes they didn't even change the lyrics. The problem is, with blues riffs and such, aren't they just kind of like a standard three bar chord,

Starting point is 00:16:09 four chord, whatever it is they say in like the riffs? Sometimes they get through this by saying traditional arrangement. Yes. Because it's folk music, essentially.

Starting point is 00:16:16 In the tradition of folk, you have traditional arrangements. They're very similar structures from song to song. But that's not what Zeppelin did. Zeppelin ripped off songs that people had written and didn't say that they'd written it on their LP. Well, I want everyone now who has a Led Zeppelin album to burn them.

Starting point is 00:16:34 I love Zeppelin. I'm not saying that. Put them on a fire. I'm not trying to cancel Zeppelin, but I'm just saying it's funny that I said, oh, you nicked a whole lot of love for the jingle for the opening of this, but they probably nicked that from somewhere. Do you see what I mean? It's all nicked. It's all, I mean, oh, you nicked a whole lot of love for the jingle for the opening of this, but they probably nicked that from somewhere. Do you see what I mean?

Starting point is 00:16:46 It's all nicked. It's all, I mean, these days, do you reckon they would have gotten sued? Absolutely. They absolutely would have. Because these days, if you use a snifter of fucking I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred, someone goes, oh, you've nicked it. You've got to give them a credit. The whole idea of copyright in music has to be,

Starting point is 00:17:03 there has to be an overhaul for today's modern age, doesn't it? Because it's ridiculous that you get demonetised, for example, on YouTube. If there's any reason that people shouldn't sample Right Said Fred or use the same kind of Right Said Fred rip, I'm Too Sexy, it's down to the simple fact

Starting point is 00:17:20 that no one should be giving those fucking cunts money anymore. The anti-vaccinants though, Turkey, is that you? It's just gone fucking off the charts. No, it went off the charts, yeah. I mean, in more ways than one. They haven't been on the charts for fucking 20 years. And the fact that people only talk about them when someone goes, oh, Beyonce's sampled I'm Too Sexy now.

Starting point is 00:17:38 You think, great, so now they're back in the conversation doing this movement with their fingers against the thumb. Rub-a-dee-rub-rub, give us the cash. But more generally, don't you think that the copyright is out of control? This isn't the way to be. You should be able to use... Because what's a sample, what's ripping off, what's just traditional music?

Starting point is 00:17:53 I guess it all depends on how much you use. Absolutely. But I just think it's the way YouTube has it now where things get automatically flagged and taken down. That's not a good way to move forward with this. You know what it all stems back to? It's the Robin Thicke blurred lines. What did they sample?

Starting point is 00:18:09 Marvin Gaye's something or other? What's going on? No, that one. What's it called? I always play it. Every time someone mentions Robert Thicke, my arsehole twinges. Robin Thicke.

Starting point is 00:18:20 Ah, stop it. Yeah, but a lot of people, he did sort of nick that, and it was a terrible song obviously yeah he's a skeevy cunt basically horrible horrible but i think the way people in the industry said the way that that's gone in favor of the marvin gaye estate is a bad sign it's bad because and that is what led to the what happens now where you just get sued to shit for anything that self resembles because like paul'sique, the Beastie Boys album is almost nothing.

Starting point is 00:18:46 Isn't it like just nothing but samples? It's pure samples. That's the joy of it. It's the way that they've weaved it all together. Yeah. Weft, the weft and whorfed of it. Anyway, Cheap Eats. Cheap Eats.

Starting point is 00:18:57 It's Cheap Eats time. We've been talking about five minutes of music copyright. Oh, look, he's gone all James Brown because you brought a little towel along to mop your sweaty bra. It is a hot, another hot day. It's a sweaty day. Hence the window being open

Starting point is 00:19:08 and hence maybe the glimmer of a sound outside of someone drilling and sawing. A little bit of background atmosphere. A little bit of ambiance. Yes, but we are doing a cheap pizza day.

Starting point is 00:19:16 Now, these aren't particularly cheap, but they're a pound the bar. Someone on Twitter said, a pound for that, one of those. Yeah. That's decent, man.

Starting point is 00:19:23 I think it was like a pound 20, if I'm being honest. That's still pretty good. I think it was like a pound 20, if I'm being honest. That's still pretty good. How many grams? You're talking like 500 grammer if it's a day. Oh, it doesn't matter. Let me see.

Starting point is 00:19:32 Can I see? I just need to see. I'm not going to try and interrupt, but you keep going. Keep describing it. No, well, here's the thing. So someone on Twitter, I can't remember who it was now, said, Morrisons are selling these. They're dairy milk bars, but the twist is that they're called Mystery 1 and 2.

Starting point is 00:19:46 There's two different bars we have here. Milk chocolate with a mystery flavour filling. Oh, there's two of them. Yeah, so this one's a different flavour from that one. And it says, solve for a chance to win. I was just about to ask. There must be a competition. Can we actually enter this?

Starting point is 00:20:01 Are we going to do this? Solve for a chance to win. Solve the mystery flavour for a chance to win a mystery prize. I don't know about that. Why? Well, a mystery prize could be another fucking box of these chocolates. So what? What if it tastes of dog shit and pies?

Starting point is 00:20:13 It's like, I don't want that. I've got to eat a whole box of dog shit and pie chocolate, haven't I? I mean, pie is too generic a flavour. Steak pie. Dog shit and steak pie chocolate flavoured bars. I was thinking like a sweet, a cherry pie maybe. No, definitely steak. 170 grams, Paul.

Starting point is 00:20:31 So I was way out. But it is a chunky boy for £1.20. Now, I can't remember an era of history that I've lived through, of confectionery history, where anything like this has ever happened before. Well, do you know what it all leads back to ultimately? Like Willy Wonka stuff. Because Willy Wonka was like the first time i think in popular culture people saw chocolate outside of a normal bar they saw it as a magical mystery there's been competitions absolutely but this because we've done it with the fanta obviously the fanta have

Starting point is 00:21:01 done a mystery flavor thing i don't think the technology has been there before. It's this era of... Oh, he has to take a call. Sorry, I had to take a call and it was business. So where were we? We're talking about these chocolate bars

Starting point is 00:21:14 and you said they're only that big and you're way out and there's a competition to solve it and I said I didn't like it. And I'm saying this is all typical of this new era

Starting point is 00:21:23 of huge flavour advances in the technology world, Paul. Oh, yeah. And I said it all Willy Wonka-fies, where it becomes less about giving you good chocolate and more about giving you wacky chocolate to make you buy it. I guess you could say that. But, you know, I've made this point before on this podcast that there's all sorts of different flavours for products that only traditionally used to be one or two flavours. Yes.

Starting point is 00:21:42 Crisps being the ultimate example. Yeah. There only used to be in Britain. In good old Britain. There only used to be what? There were three flavours. Red and salted, cheese and onion, salt and vinegar. That was it.

Starting point is 00:21:53 Get out. That was fucking it. Maybe if you want to push it, maybe if you want to push it, you might get a roast beef or a beefy snack. Or a prawn cocktail. Or a prawn cocktail. Or a cheesy nib nab ding dong woodley woo. But it was extremely limited,

Starting point is 00:22:06 the amount of flavours you could get in any of these sort of confectionery or crisps. It was a simple palette back then. We yearned for no more than such flavours, Eli, back in the days of good old Britain. But I think it's technology. It's a technology. It's that these companies have flavour technology

Starting point is 00:22:21 that we couldn't have dreamt of in our youth. It's like, you know, Dairy Milk released. Well, first of all, they brought out Wonka bars, didn't they? To capitalise on the film. Because initially that was the reason why the film was made. But isn't Wonka its own confectionery company? It is now. But originally, if I remember rightly, and I might be wrong,

Starting point is 00:22:38 was that half the funding for the film was going to come from the Quaker Oats company who were getting into candy bars. And part of that deal was to make Wonka bars to come out with the film. But for whatever reason, those Wonka bars never came out. And so the film was released without a bar to go with it. It's just the original Wonka film.

Starting point is 00:22:53 The original Wonka film, yeah. In the 60s, yeah. Most of that film was funded. Initially, the funding came from Quaker Oats or whatever that, you know, the, yeah, I think it was Quaker. Quaker, yeah. They were trying to move into chocolate bars.

Starting point is 00:23:02 Anyway, fast forward, the rights pass back and forth. And eventually I think it ends up becoming its own thing, but maybe They were trying to move into chocolate bars. Anyway, fast forward, the rights pass back and forth, and eventually I think it ends up becoming its own thing, but maybe it's owned by Nestle or it was owned by someone. Right. It's a big brand now because you see it in all those American candy stores. Nerds used to be called Willy Wonka's Nerds originally. They did, didn't they?

Starting point is 00:23:16 That's weird. Why do you think? Because they just lost the name. Possibly. Roll on. You've got those dairy milk, you know, Wundalicious bars, where it's like jelly beans and popping candy in the chocolate. a rocky road one yeah stuff like that i like that and so chocolate bars are just like well you've you're sick of eating a normal mars so now we've got a

Starting point is 00:23:33 caffeine mars with nuts in oh or a peanut butter one is there a caffeine mars yeah there's a coffee mars yeah oh i'd like that it's all variations on a theme. You know, I like these special edition Kit Kats, like the dark chocolate and mint one. The chunky ones. The duos, they're called. Yeah. Remember those? But that's it.

Starting point is 00:23:53 It's just like, you're bored of Kit Kat, here's a wacky Kit Kat. You're bored of Mars, here's a wacky Mars. I know, but it's because they can do it now. They can do it. There must be an economy of scale with it, Paul, where, you know, it used to be, it probably was before it was prohibitively expensive

Starting point is 00:24:09 to do several different flavours, but now they've got the machinery to actually be able to produce them. Beep, bop, beep, pull a lever, job done. To make it like you're not losing money by doing a different, unusual flavour. Do you know what I mean? So, I reckon we do a follow-up in a few weeks, whenever they release it, of what the new Fanta and these flavours are, because we don't

Starting point is 00:24:26 know right now, they haven't released any answers. And they still don't know about the Fanta, we still don't know. No, the Fanta thing is still ongoing, I think they're going to announce it later in the month. Okay. So we will tell you. Do you remember what our guess was? Was it strawberry and... I said like, was it cucumber or something I said? I said strawberry, we said strawberry,

Starting point is 00:24:41 cucumber and elderflower. Something like that. But there's bound to be something else in there like tea or comfort or something. Well, they don't want people to... Is there a competition aspect to that one as well? Yeah, there is. There's a thing online where you follow them and stuff. So I'm going to open up Dairy Milk Mystery Milk Chocolate with a mystery filling number one. I'm just going to give it a snuff, see if that will give me any clues up front.

Starting point is 00:25:00 Well, let's do them one at a time. So look, I'm going to keep... I've got number two over here. I'm going to keep it there. Is there a snuff on it? I've given it a snuff. And I'm getting like citrus, let's do them one at a time. So look, I'm going to keep, I've got number two over here. I'm going to keep it there. Is there a snuff on it? I've given it a snuff. And I'm getting like citrus, like an orange,

Starting point is 00:25:09 I think. Oh, and is there a chocolate? You have a little sniff? Is there a chocolatiness there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It actually doesn't

Starting point is 00:25:14 smell too bad, to be fair. You're saying above the chocolatiness. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you want to pinch

Starting point is 00:25:20 your piece off now before you hand it back? Definitely an orange, but there's also a sort of cherry or something. No, there's a sort of bready wafery, like the smell of a wafer. Oh, the smell of a wafer. Vanilla.

Starting point is 00:25:33 There's a vanillary. I'm not getting a lot of chocolate at all. There's a kind of wafer vanilla smell coming off that. Oh, I'm dreaming back to days up Chowdhury Beach when my mum's giving me an ice cream cone and a flaking. And sometimes I think to mum, I think, mumma treat me right. She didn't have much, but she always treat me right. I'm sorry, who

Starting point is 00:25:51 am I talking to? Hello. What's your name again? I'm Colin. Colin Bayswater. I like to come by and give you my memories of youthful times as a child. And I remember going on a big dipper back in the day and I'd never been on anything so high. So high, Eli.

Starting point is 00:26:07 Colin, could you, there's a sand pit just... Oh, I like sand pits. Just like I remember when I was a kid they used to buy me a little plastic sand kit. Remember that used to get them on the Argos? You could do it. Little plastic sand kit. And they used to put me in, she did,

Starting point is 00:26:19 and fill it up with sand. There's a bucket and spade in there. Up to my neck. And then put some crabs on the surface. You'll love it in there because we've decked it out like a we've decked it out

Starting point is 00:26:26 like a retro 70s beach scene oh do you have any refresher bars in there there's refresher bars in there there's everything there's lovely stuff for you

Starting point is 00:26:35 what about a nice 1970s size curly whirly oh huge huge huge curly whirly in there curly whirly oh I love that

Starting point is 00:26:42 that's nice oh I'll tell you what I love most of all. Do you like Spangles, Eli? Remember Spangles? I never had Spangles. Oh, well, I hope you put some Spangles in and now we're talking.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Well, if you could just shuffle off over there because I'm actually trying to do an important piece of the podcast now. Am I in the way? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. It's fine. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:26:59 Just next to... If you go down the corridor there... The corridor down there, right. And next to the CCC... Don't go in there, whatever the fuck you do. Don't go in there. Because that's very contentious. Don you go down the corridor there, and next to the CCC, don't go in there, whatever the fuck you do, because that's very contentious. Don't go in the CCC.

Starting point is 00:27:09 They don't want one-shot characters in there. No strife from me, sir. They don't want any one-shot characters in there at all. But next, two doors down, you'll see the CCC, big sign, big engraved brass plaque on it. I saw that on the way in. Yeah, good.

Starting point is 00:27:21 Go down two doors, then that's the sandpit room and play area. Have I upset him, Paul? I'm really sorry. I just thought he'd like my memories. No, it's just the timing thing more than anything else. Call in, please.

Starting point is 00:27:31 All right, well, I'm going to go then. Which room? Second on the left, did you say? No, it's second on the left after the CCC. Ah, yeah. Then what, do I just go out? Well, you sort of wink out of existence there

Starting point is 00:27:41 because you're very weakly portrayed. I'm just going to... I'm going to put this to the test. Do I wink out of existence? You do. I'mly portrayed. I'm just going to put this to the test. Do I wink out of existence? You do. I'm just going to walk over here. I'm passing the door. I'm just heading out.

Starting point is 00:27:50 Go on. Keep going. Down there. I'm very feeling that. And he's gone. He's gone. That was very strange. Right, give me a bit of that chocolate.

Starting point is 00:27:58 This has a fondant on the inside, Paul. Yes, I thought as much. I'm handing it over a double slice to you there. Are you fond of don'ts? I'm fond of don'ts. So this is mystery one. I'm going to give it another sniff. It's a white fondant to give no clues to the eye. Hazelnut and orange. All I got was generic sweet mush. No, you've got to try a bit harder. No, I was sucking at it and rolling it around my tongue and you're right. I agree with your... There's definitely a nutty. Isn't it a hazelnutty?

Starting point is 00:28:26 A pro-owling sort of flavour. No, it's more like bready. It's like cookie dough or it's like a cupcake or something. Well, that's what I was picking up. That wafer-y smell, maybe. Cupcake or... Has the orange completely gone? Is there any citrus?

Starting point is 00:28:39 No, there's definitely a fruit there. There's a citrus note, I think. I'm going to have to have another one. They're really thick, actually. Quite thick chew. I quite like it. I don't hate it. I thought a citrus note, I think. I'm going to have to have another one. They're really thick, actually. Quite thick chew. I quite like it. I don't hate it. I thought it was going

Starting point is 00:28:49 to be a portable. It's very sweet. Overly sweet, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sticking with like a nut-orange combo. That would be my guess. Weird.

Starting point is 00:28:57 All I can think is now like cookie dough and something. Oh, maybe it is that. Maybe it's cookie dough and orange. Like an orange choc chip cookie.

Starting point is 00:29:04 It's all right. I quite like it. Oh, well, what would you give it out of five, just out of interest, as a flavour on its own? As it is, because you don't know the flavour. I'd go 3.75. I'd go three. You didn't like it as much as me. I thought that was quite tasty.

Starting point is 00:29:16 Now, tasty, tasty. That was number one. Number two. Shall we go for number two? Yeah, I'll get you to give it a snuff. Yeah, my palate is absolutely clean. I'm going to try and get the virgin snuff when I peel back the lips of this...

Starting point is 00:29:28 Peel back the lips. And get the virgin snuff right up my nozzles. Up the nozzles with the virgin sniff-sniffs. Paul's already weary about where I'm going to go with this. It's just hot. It's really what it comes down to, it's hot. Oh, no. Are we going to be okay to get to the end of the podcast, Paul?

Starting point is 00:29:43 Are we going to be okay? Eli? Yeah? I'm going to fucking punch to get to the end of the podcast, Paul? Are we going to be okay? Eli. Yeah? I'm going to fucking punch you in the face. How about that? How about that? Right in your nose. Promises, promises.

Starting point is 00:29:52 Right. He's opening up the flap. Oh. A meerkat reaction. Oh, I want to say more piney. What's pine? So like pine tree. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:04 Weird. Very different. Perhaps you can help with identifying that it's there's familiarity there but all i can get is a sort of piney freshness it no it's you know what it's like it's like it's like not mint but like a kind of yeah that's what i'm getting at a sort of cold lime or or or something yeah is it lime it's a liminess whereas the other stuff was orangey that's limey where that was orangey. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But I'm not getting anything else. I'm not getting that sort of wafer or doughy, bready.

Starting point is 00:30:32 I mean, the thing is, is it doesn't say there's like a collection of flavours. It just says a mystery flavour. So it could just be one thing. Oh, well, what would number one be then? I would side with cookie dough of some kind. Oh, you might know. But then they could get away with it by saying orange cookie dough. It wasn't one flavour.

Starting point is 00:30:48 Do you know this reminds me of? This is number two you're talking about now. Do you know when those like Jaffa Cakes brought out the gin and tonic flavour or whatever it was? There's a booziness isn't there?

Starting point is 00:30:55 There's a sort of almost ethanol that you've put your finger on it. I knew you Or it's like those old cherry chocolate things. Like a glacier cherry like a cherry

Starting point is 00:31:04 a liquor cherry. Do you know, that's what it, you know those ones that you always used to avoid in a box of sweets which have that cherry liqueur. It's an old working man's

Starting point is 00:31:12 club bar of cherries. Cherry liqueur ones in a milk tray or whatever which had a little bit of booze in. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You've done it.

Starting point is 00:31:19 I'm going to give this a go. Well done. Well, it might not be right. No, but I knew, it's not about it being right. It's like I couldn't even articulate it. Yeah. Cherry liqueur. Very cherry. Go for it. Cherry liqueur. Oh, it might not be right. No, but I knew it's not about it being right. It's like I couldn't even articulate it. Yeah. Cherry liqueur. Very cherry. Go for it. Cherry liqueur.

Starting point is 00:31:28 Oh, it's cherry. It's cherry flavoured. It kind of weirdly tastes like it's mimicking a cocktail or something or it's mimicking an alcoholic drink. Perhaps that's just because that sort of stewed cherry flavour is associated with liqueur, sort of. You know what I mean? There can't actually be any booze in it.

Starting point is 00:31:44 No, of course not. But there is a sort of ethanol-y, like a smoky cherry fondant or something. Well, it is all fondant. It's a white fondant. I know, I know, but, you know. It's laced with cammy white fondant. I don't know if I like that as much as the first one,

Starting point is 00:31:56 because the first one had a kind of comfort food-y aftertaste. I prefer the first one. Yeah, I prefer the first one. Definitely. That one is just weird. It's just cherry. It feels like it's about to turn. You think? Yeah, kind of. No, I didn't hate it. That one is just weird. It's just cherry. It feels like it's about to turn. You think?

Starting point is 00:32:05 Yeah, kind of. No, I didn't hate it. No, it's not unpleasant. I didn't hate it. I preferred the first one. It's not unpleasant. Yeah, I just prefer the first. Would you say the second one seemed much more one note,

Starting point is 00:32:16 like one flavour, whereas the first one had that orange, had the breadiness, had the nuttiness. It's got more going at the back end. It's more complex, the first one, isn't it? Definitely. Certainly, the aftertaste, I think, is better because the aftertaste with this kind of feels like I've accidentally put a little bit of cherry,

Starting point is 00:32:33 fairy washing up liquid on my tongue. It could be. I could see how you do that. It's a bit soapy and artificial, yeah. A little bit soapy. Which wasn't in the first one, didn't have that artificial-iness. Oh, well, I would give that a two, two and a half. Oh, two and a half, yeah. It wasn't pleasant. That wasn't in the first one, didn't have that artificial-iness. Oh, well, I would give that a two, two and a half.

Starting point is 00:32:46 Oh, two and a half, yeah. That wasn't terrible. I wouldn't really want to go back for that. But with the Fanta... I prefer the one. Yeah, I prefer the one. So you prefer number one to number two? Definitely.

Starting point is 00:32:56 Yeah, well, that's how it always goes, isn't it? It's always nicer to have a number one than a two. I prefer number two. Sometimes a two's satisfying. Don't get me wrong. I like to go for a full breakfast. Yeah. Full English, mate. Oh, don't go in there. I've just dropped the full breakfast down too satisfying. Don't get me wrong. I like to go for a full breakfast. Yeah. Full English, mate.

Starting point is 00:33:06 Oh, don't go in there. Just drop the full breakfast down the pan. No, full English. You know what full English is? What? Shit, piss, wank and vom. Tell me the chain of events that leads to that concoction. Oh, right.

Starting point is 00:33:18 So you have a piss because you just had some water, you know. Right. You have a piss because you've had some water. And then you go, oh, you get a little twinge as you're pissing. Actually, I need a number two. Well, I'm in the toilet. While I'm here. I'm in the toilet.

Starting point is 00:33:32 Yeah. And then you take a dump. Is it at home? Are you at home? It doesn't matter where I am. You can have a full English anywhere. That's the beauty of the fucking thing. So you take a piss.

Starting point is 00:33:41 You think, oh, actually, oh, little twinge. I've got some bowel pressure here. While I'm here. I need a shit. you take a piss, you think, oh, actually, oh, little twinge, got some bowel pressure here, I need a shit. You take a shit and there's a certain aroma of the shit, a deep mahogany, wooded cabinet,

Starting point is 00:33:52 wooden cabinet sort of smell and it takes you back. You think about, oh, you think about a dalliance you had in your youth for sexual experience and you think,

Starting point is 00:34:00 I'm actually in the loo now. I'm getting a bit of a twinge, you know, in the front department. And so you have a fucking wank. And then you feel so disgusted with yourself with wanking without even having wiped your arse first that you vomit.

Starting point is 00:34:13 Full English, isn't it? Here's how I see it going. You're on a date with a lady, right? Oh, no. And you've gone out to a bar and it's been going so well, you've gotten a bit carried away and now you're a bit too drunk.

Starting point is 00:34:24 But you're also aroused so you think to yourself well this can't work so I'm just going to pop to the pub the pub toilets has he taken a piss yet? yeah he's taken a piss because that's followed the cum

Starting point is 00:34:41 right he came and then he cleaned the pipes he was like out of there and then he's followed the cum, right? He came and then he cleaned the pipes. Oh, now I'm going to do one now. He was like out of there. Oh, he's cleaned the pipes. Yeah, he cleaned the pipes out with a bit of pee and now he's throwing up. Oh.

Starting point is 00:34:57 He's like spurting up into the air. Through the vomit. And he's still got shit on his hand. And like he can't believe his eyes. He's like, oh no. Puts his hand on his face, draws it down. Now he's got someone else's exc shit on his hand and like he can't believe it's not his shit like oh no put his hand on his face draws it down now he's got someone else's excrement on his face the vomit but he did look down and went huh full english like English. Like that, and that's how it ended. I think we can cut that bit safely.

Starting point is 00:35:26 I'm keeping that in because I think I am a funny man. That's all that matters. Well, is that how we're getting out of this mystery? That is. And now I'm going to just stop and put a sound effect in. Good. Fuck off. How about that?

Starting point is 00:35:37 All right, go on then. Everybody. Again. No, it's not. It's not, though, is it? Because it's actually a platter everybody

Starting point is 00:35:46 no because you don't do the platter you can't do a you can't do the jingle for your segment I do the jingle for your segment so this is a record

Starting point is 00:35:53 segment and I'm doing the record jingle and here's the new one which I think you're going to love didn't we have a lovely time

Starting point is 00:36:01 today we listened to platters I had a laugh and he had a bath and he cleaned his balls with head and shoulders. We had a blaze. We listened to the crazes of the 1950s or 60s

Starting point is 00:36:14 and Eli got his nubbin' and we all went home. Boom! Not boom. That was the least deserved fist bump and boom of all time, Paul. Gimme that, gimme that, gimme gimme gimme that gimme that platter, gimme me, give me that, give me that, platter, give me that, give me, give me that, give me that, platter, give me that, give me, give me that, platter, platter, platter, platter, platter, platter. How about that? The platter section doesn't have a theme tune.

Starting point is 00:36:33 It has a message from its patron saint. No, it's got to have a theme, though. I'm going to give it a theme. It has a message from its patron saint. I'm going to give it a theme. It's bullshit. Let's do this properly, okay? Right?

Starting point is 00:36:43 Hello. Welcome back to Cheap Show Peoples. Give me that, give welcome back to cheap show peoples i gave me that no give me that give me that platter i give me that give me that give me that give me that platter silverman silverman silverman silverman oh yeah cuz he's so fine i mean this is your best she's so fine he's so fine he's just doing a. He's just doing a fucking... I'm just doing... Yeah. Jive bunny. A fucking third-rate jive bunny.

Starting point is 00:37:10 No, because I needed to go, come on, everybody. It's like you're fucking running an improvisation class for children from the 70s. Come on, everybody. Let's go. And I... Now, let's do this properly.

Starting point is 00:37:27 Are you finished? Heads, platters, knees and toes, knees and toes. No. Heads, platters, knees and toes, knees and toes. And vinyl flexes and things you wear on your clothes. No. Already wrong. Heads, platters, knees and toes, knees and toes.

Starting point is 00:37:40 Didn't work. This won't work either, what you're about to do. I can see his eyes going. He's looking for something. Do a fucking Billy Joel. Silverman's platters. They're only songs you know that will not matter. We're going to play them on our show today.

Starting point is 00:38:02 You're going to wish that I would go away. I do. You picked the worst Joel song. And that's how I call him. Give us a platter. Give it all the tracks you've got. That's a good one. Let's pretend they're not a load of boring, driveling grot. Give us...

Starting point is 00:38:16 I can do this all segments. I fucking know. You are. Is this the real platter? Is this just vinyl time? Cassette C90s. Not a CD inside tonight. Paul, Paul.

Starting point is 00:38:34 Open your eyes. Paul, if you're going to do this, can I have the key for the... What? Club room. Yeah, go on. The character. I'll get some cheese. Yeah, go do it.

Starting point is 00:38:42 Do you want any cheese? Yeah, get us a drunken goat cheese. They've got everything cheese? Yeah, get us a get us a drunken goat cheese. They've got everything in there, man. Get me a drunken goat cheese. I don't know. It's actually a wolf. I'm just a man who likes to listen

Starting point is 00:38:50 to a platter. I'll go in there, yeah? I'm just going to do Bohemia Rhapsody because I don't have the imagination. Please don't. You don't have the imagination

Starting point is 00:38:59 for one single thing that's good. You can't and you shouldn't and we It's to platter for this show to platter for this show for one single thing that's good. I can't do it with a good jingle. You can't. And you shouldn't. And we... It's too platter for this show. Too platter for this show.

Starting point is 00:39:09 Show's going to leave me. Right said, Fred. Paul! I'm too platter for this show. Paul? Yeah? Please, can you listen to me for one second? I've been trying not to interrupt you.

Starting point is 00:39:22 I am the platter man. And I listen to platters every day. As delightful as you are, okay? Let's just say that. Thank you, Dora. As delightful as you are, I think what you're not getting here is this is a merged...

Starting point is 00:39:38 Oh, he's done. He's done. He's done. He heard him sigh. That's it. Paul's turned up, and he's done his thing, and now he's done you heard him sigh that's it Paul's turned up and he's done his thing and now he's sitting back

Starting point is 00:39:48 he's in the green room after the pod already yeah Paul yeah but it's a merging of sections segments rather yes

Starting point is 00:39:57 like two segments going at each other like that yeah it's scissoring scissoring segments this is what we're calling scissoring segments it's a scissoring segments momentissoring segments. This is what we're calling it. Scissoring segments. It's a scissoring segments moment. When two segments of the Cheap Show podcast

Starting point is 00:40:09 collide in a fanny on fanny fashion. What do you want? That. That was the moment of genius I wanted from you. It took four minutes and 56 seconds. Welcome everyone to scissoring section number one. The two segments will be scissoring section number one. Yeah. The two segments will be scissoring today.

Starting point is 00:40:29 Merging today in a consensual and loving situation are Ganon's Golden Games and Silverman's Platters. It's only a kind of marginal Ganon's Golden Games

Starting point is 00:40:40 because of what's inside it. But basically today we are covering a double album from the band Animal Quackers. A legit band as well as children's TV characters. Yes. So what makes it cross over into Ganon's Golden Games territory, you know, tangentially,

Starting point is 00:40:55 is that when you open the gatefold sleeve out, you get a board game. It's a double LP children's record, which is an unusual thing in itself. Yeah. Let's play the popland chart chaser first to number one which one that's what says on the inside oh did you not read it this is the board game yeah and it's very very basic it's i'll still be pitched on our website thecheapshow.co.uk

Starting point is 00:41:15 but it's just go around the board roll dice first one to number one wins although it has very strange drawings of like celebrities like let's see the elton John one. He also appears on the cover. Yeah. He's a little Elton John child in shorts. He looks like if Viz put Elton John on a comic strip. Yeah. It's that kind of interpretation of him. Now, me and you, Paul, I think we disagree about the artwork on this LP, but I fucking love it.

Starting point is 00:41:38 It's that children's sort of very vibrant, psychedelic era influenced, and there is something slightly unsettling almost i tell you what so let's rewind a little bit so this was a show that was shown in the itv regions around lunchtime 50 minute episodes called animal quackers and it was inspired by the banana splits which was an american tv show where a bunch of cartoon characters in actual mascot suits played music, basically, right? Yes, but I just want to say, I don't remember from my youth this Animal Quackers at all.

Starting point is 00:42:12 Maybe it was just before. When did you say? What years? Well, it ran between 1975 and 1978. So you would have been a wee bear. Oh, I would have been fine for it, but I don't think it was shown in my part of the country. I think that's what it was.

Starting point is 00:42:24 We also don't know how... Well, I'm confused. It's a Yorkshire TV show, and it's made in the North, right? But it affected that American look because it also had animal mascot characters playing instruments with a little bit of storytelling in the middle. Like banana splits. Like the banana splits. But what I don't really understand is how big it was.

Starting point is 00:42:41 Because obviously we've seen these vinyls pop up all over the UK in charity shops. So therefore, it must have been known nationwide. Yeah, but maybe... Who knows, Paul? is how big it was because obviously we've seen these vinyls pop up all over the UK in charity shops so therefore it must have been known nationwide yeah but maybe who knows Paul but I feel like I feel like

Starting point is 00:42:51 maybe I just in terms of memories it just sort of blends in with my memories of Banana Splits or something like that do you know what I mean

Starting point is 00:42:57 I was very young these are my first years and that's what I wanted to say I love Banana Splits as a very young child of three na na na I love that itits as a very young child of three. Na, na, na, na, na, na. I love that.

Starting point is 00:43:06 It is literally one of my first ever childhood memories. Yeah. Memories of liking a TV thing. It's part of that American TV vibe. You know, like HR Puff and stuff or whatever it was called and those kind of...

Starting point is 00:43:18 But we got the Banana Splits in Britain, didn't we? I presume so. You don't remember watching them as a child? I don't remember watching it. So I had them in Britain and what I loved about it as well as there being

Starting point is 00:43:27 fun sort of slightly creepy big you know guys in costumes it was like the Wombles there was a lot of it going around at the time but it was a

Starting point is 00:43:34 programming block the Madonna splits similar to what came later in terms of a Saturday morning TV show block. Oh so they would do they'd do a song

Starting point is 00:43:42 and they'd do a thing and then there'd be like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Because it was a Hanna-'d do a thing and then there'd be like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Because it was a Hanna-Barbera product, wasn't it? There'd be Hanna-Barbera intermission bits. Old Scooby-Doo

Starting point is 00:43:50 or maybe it was one of those, you know, Hanna-Barbera at the Olympics kind of thing. And I think that style of programming where you have a block and you have sort of...

Starting point is 00:43:59 Oh, it's dead to the world. But I also feel it has a certain magical effect or it does on me where you feel like you're in your own little world for that also feel it has a certain magical effect or does on me where you feel like you're in your own little world for that that little it creates a sort of um you know a sealed little world for you he lies in his little world but do you know what i'm do you know what i'm getting at at all i've been left in front of a similar thing happened with a similar thing

Starting point is 00:44:19 happened with that what was that animation stream on channel 4 which had that thing that they made, that anime-style thing that they... Oh, no. Yeah, that was an MTV thing. Vortex, something Vortex. But didn't that just show MTV stuff, like Eon Flux and things? Eon Flux is what it was called.

Starting point is 00:44:34 No, Eon Flux is the name of a cartoon series within... Yeah, no, that was within it. Within the animated block, but I don't believe the block itself was called Eon Flux. The block was some kind of Channel 4 thing. It was all sort of high-tech. And it also gave me that feeling. Oh channel four late at night used to have like these little blocks of short films yeah arty stuff used to love that man it's also had that simple tits

Starting point is 00:44:56 watching it yes of course well there you go there's a particular moment where i've built myself one of those toilet roll pipes right yeah and this is cannabis I've stole off my dad, obviously. Right. Which is the sweetest of all canabuses. Everyone can attest to that, basically. I never got weed off my dad. I know, but you haven't had that joy. He's got bumhole pictures.

Starting point is 00:45:15 I used to get it out of the fridge, slice off very carefully, as much as you could get away with. Rub it down the size of hashish. You rub it down so it doesn't look like it's been cut. You know, you don't leave teeth marks in it or anything so i've got this toilet paper pipe and then this fucking short film and i have i have some hash and then this it's like one in the morning or something and then this uh short film comes on about hemingway's man in the sea

Starting point is 00:45:39 and it's like black and white i'm like dude that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my whole life. It just stuck with me. Sorry, there you go. Paul is literally looking askance and as if I've shat. I'll just share something, something of myself. Not just your stupid fucking cab driver's fucking pop knowledge. Fuck you!

Starting point is 00:46:02 What were we talking about? So the Animal Quackers concept was very simple apparently it was a crudely animated title sequence which set up the stories which were the animal crackers riding their spaceship to popland wicked yeah introducing themselves and then there was there was no real story it was just like a live action show they opened with a song told a bit of a story did another song told a bit of a story ended you know what I mean simple and it was inspired by

Starting point is 00:46:27 the banana splits but I'm going to propose this you know recently they made the banana splits into a horror movie yeah right in that kind of Five Nights at Freddy's vibe

Starting point is 00:46:34 well I think Five Nights at Freddy's was the first thing to actually do it yeah no no it was but you know whatever regardless of all that don't you think

Starting point is 00:46:41 that Animal Crackers is a far more fucking terrifying thing to turn into a horror film because those characters especially in live action are fucking grotesque I love it just twisted and wrong

Starting point is 00:46:50 and like when the mouth opens when they talk it goes off to the side you know like when in a horror film someone gets their jaw blown off

Starting point is 00:46:57 the tongue's hanging out they do have that look and also in the artwork of the cover which I love but you hate it has that slightly askew jaw thing.

Starting point is 00:47:06 That's the way this person draws faces. It's a roller skating. It's very, very close to sort of straight up psychedelia, the artwork. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but I mean... And especially this guy on the back, his tripio, who they haven't even put on the cover. Do you see this guy?

Starting point is 00:47:21 Banana dog or something. Look at his weird brothel creeper shoes. Yeah. Very sort of kind of robert crumb style sort of uh psychedelic style i actually really like the artwork a lot that's right up my street i like that a lot but what we've got it's basically a double album and it's got four sides of songs which are a mix of kind of covers and nursery rhymes made kind of contemporary and a few original songs of their own, but not many. Yes, and weren't they originally a psych rock outfit? Two of them were originally in a psych rock group,

Starting point is 00:47:52 which I can't remember the name of right now. Arthur Grambly's Wheelchair Access or something. It was called like something theatre. Drake Norton and the Carpet Upholsterers. Sergeant Smith in his band stand of boogie. What are they called? Nick Pallet and Jeff Nichols

Starting point is 00:48:09 from the band The Principal Edwards, which were a prog-rocky kind of thing. Who supported Zeppelin and Fleetwood Mac on tour originally, yeah. Early in the 70s.

Starting point is 00:48:19 Weirdly, when that band broke up, they all kind of went off to do kids' stuff anyway because these guys went off to do Quackers and then these guys went off to do Quackers, and then another guy went off to do Play Away and write songs. Oh, really? So it seemed like the natural progression for a prog artist,

Starting point is 00:48:30 if your band burnt up, was to just go make songs for kids. Now, in terms of the music on this record, Paul, it is very well played and some nice instrumentation, but it's very session bandy. It's too simple to actually enjoy as an adult, you know? It reminds me of that Rod, Jane and Freddie, it's that sort of bandy. It's too simple to actually enjoy as an adult, you know? It reminds me of that Rod, Jane and Freddie, it's that sort of folk, psych, rock tradition that was very much present in children's music,

Starting point is 00:48:51 because these were the people who were getting into children's music. Well, that's what I said to you before, isn't it? It was like most kid shows of that era, especially in the UK, had a very folky kind of musical score to them. But also a psychedelic influence. Well, here's what I'm saying. Shows like this this and to some extent

Starting point is 00:49:05 rainbow and rod jane and freddie started introducing mainstream and modern music into kids tv which is why a lot of these are covers because it's like it's like a gateway drug to finding out what the beetles were yeah or reggae or genre music that isn't nursery rhymes basically yes now there are three reggae tracks and you said you looked on the w the Wikipedia and someone from a reggae group had joined, was working with them. By season three, they had someone from a reggae group. And I think this is their second album, so this could well be by season three.

Starting point is 00:49:31 It's possible. We just don't know. I remember Animal Quackers back in day. I would have loved it. I'd sit down on the rug in front of telly and mother would go on and put the cup of tea on. Have you been in the sandpit? No, I just want to talk about Animal Quackers.

Starting point is 00:49:44 Have you been in the sandpit? Aye, I made the to talk about animal crackers. Have you been in the sandpit? Aye, I made the sandcastle. Well, you're walking sand all over the main body of the podcast. We can't have that, okay? Oh, that's all right. The cleaners don't come in till... No, I don't mind.

Starting point is 00:49:53 That's fine. I'll clean up later. No, Paul, I don't want him here. What? I'm only giving you my memories. I remember my animal crackers. Do you? Do you remember roly-polies?

Starting point is 00:50:00 Do you remember hedgehog-flavoured crisps? Do you remember bullseye on a Sunday? What's your name again? Colin what? You can't fucking remember. You can just remember. Call me Colin. Colin the N bullseye on a Sunday? What's your name again? Colin what? You can't fucking remember. You can just remember, call me Colin. Colin the Nostalgist. I think that's what your name should be.

Starting point is 00:50:10 I just remember all those days in front of television. Oh, I remember it wisely. Oh, do you remember... Rory, Rory, tell us a story. That's the one, isn't it? Yeah, that's the one. Space hoppers. I remember frisbees.

Starting point is 00:50:22 I also remember... Oh, the sweet. I think that's what they call them. Oh, do you remember the sweet? What about I also remember, oh, The Suite. Oh, do you remember The Suite? What about Mud? No, I like Mud. My mother didn't like Mud. She said it was dangerous music. Okay.

Starting point is 00:50:32 And I was like, Mother, you don't know nothing. It's the new sound. What was her attitude when, you know, you got a little bit frisky upstairs and maybe had a little fiddle with you? Mother didn't know about that. I didn't have my first erection until I was 24. Oh, I know, I know.

Starting point is 00:50:44 And how old are you now, Colin? I'm in my late 50s. Yes! Oh, Colin. Oh, Colin. I don't know why you're so mean. I've already come to tell you my memories of things. Fucking Colin, you're getting...

Starting point is 00:50:56 I just don't really know what you mean. I went dangerously close to Mavis then. You sound like Les Dennis. I know, I was dangerously close to Mavis from Coronation Street then. I know! I love this character actually Colin we do have to

Starting point is 00:51:07 we have to finish this segment can I just sit over here and reminisce can I just reminisce with the others absolutely oh I remember

Starting point is 00:51:15 Top of the Pops go on go on Colin the Nostalgist Blue Peter theme and Grange Hill oh do you remember oh do you remember

Starting point is 00:51:23 do you remember do you remember oh Colin sit down over there and stop talking, please. Please. He remembers all the things. You know, when I listen to Colin's voice, Paul, I feel like I'm being smothered by Barbara Dixon or something. Oh.

Starting point is 00:51:40 No, I don't have to hear that. I think that's a compliment. I remember seeing Barbara Dixon at the Royal Album Hall on the 50th anniversary of her first album. I remember it very well. Okay, Colin, now you're doing something you said you wouldn't do now. Oh, I'm sorry. I go sit down. Go sit down.

Starting point is 00:51:55 I do apologise. I remember you told me. I remember. You told me. I remember. I reminisce about that. You remember that. No, that wasn't a good idea.

Starting point is 00:52:02 You told me to sit down over there. Do you remember that? Do you remember I went over there to sit down? Oh, that was a good thing. You don't? No, that wasn't what he told me to sit down over there. Do you remember that? Do you remember I went over there to sit down? That was a good thing. You don't get days like this anymore.

Starting point is 00:52:10 Do you remember corner shops and penny seats? It is somewhat nice not to have to talk to you, Paul, for so long. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:52:19 I think it's about this time of the show we should put a track in. So which one would you like to do? We're going to pick two. So which one did you want to do? I think we to pick two. So which one did you want to do? I think we should start with

Starting point is 00:52:27 Happy and You Know It, which is their version of the absolute standard. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. I used to play that. Yeah. I used to enjoy Happy and You Know It. Perhaps that's why I picked this.

Starting point is 00:52:37 No, no. I don't want to talk to you, Colin. He's going to have to leave the main body of the podcast. I don't want him on the bench there, man. Is it because he's staring at you? It's because everything I say, he wants to fucking pipe up. Pipe down.

Starting point is 00:52:54 Happy you know, I think it's the most sort of typical. Yeah, so here we go. Here's a version. And it's got a little breakdown. Oh, yeah. So here is that song. If you're happy and you know it, sing with us.

Starting point is 00:53:23 If you're happy and you know it, sing with us. If you're happy and you know it, sing with us. If you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it. If you're happy and you know it, sing with us. Sing with us. Sing with us. If you're happy and you know it, stamp your feet. If you're happy and you know it, stamp your feet. If you're happy and you know it stamp your feet If you're happy

Starting point is 00:53:46 and you know it and you really want to show it If you're happy and you know it stamp your feet If you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it

Starting point is 00:53:57 If you're happy and you know it join with us And it's fundamentally fine for what it is. Yeah. It's musicians whose dreams of rock stardom have faded, now been forced into the suits of giant weird animal mascots

Starting point is 00:54:11 and forced to play lemonade versions of rock and roll hits. It's weird because there's those tunes, but there's two or three tunes which are literally just telling kids to fucking behave on this as well. There's school, school, school, and hard work, which is just like, fucking do your fucking homework. But this is like six years old to 10,

Starting point is 00:54:30 five to 10 year old. Go to school, get ready, be nice in school. Yeah, there's that track on the conform or die, isn't there? Remember that one? It's a bit weird. It's weird coming through that,

Starting point is 00:54:37 the whole sort of prescriptive sort of parenting on some of these. It's weird, because not a lot of kid shows went the whole pay attention at school. It's more like life moral lessons. that exist outside of your studies i guess it's because they're they're trying to sort of package it and it's they want the kid to get into the song and then they just hear the words they but also it's nice because it doesn't work for me though

Starting point is 00:54:57 it is introducing them to different genres of music outside of what they those things are nice i don't like the songs that tell me to do my homework. We both didn't like that. We both reacted by saying, fuck off. Fuck off. As soon as you said, do your homework, fuck off.

Starting point is 00:55:11 Fuck off, Rory. Oh yeah, that's their names. They're called Rory. Rory, go on, read them out. Which is which though? We'll never know. I think it's on this webpage. You've got Rory.

Starting point is 00:55:20 I think that's the lion. That is the big blue lion, yeah. Boots. We'll look for boots. I think that might be this guy with the brothel creepers and the weird... Okay, it says here. Ping-pong. Rory a lion.

Starting point is 00:55:30 He's a blue lion, right? And then there was Twang the monkey, which sounds like what you do in the toilet. Yeah, it's Twang the monkey down there. Where's Paul? Oh, he's in the toilet twanging the monkey. Literally, yeah. And then there's a dog called Bongo. Of course there is.

Starting point is 00:55:46 I think Bongo's the one that looks like a direct rip-off of the banana splits. Yes. And then Boots, a tiger. There's Boots the tiger. He's pretty cool, actually. He's got an eye patch. Yeah, I would go for Boots if I was going to, you know.

Starting point is 00:55:59 Yeah. I like Boots the best. He's the most rock and roll, it seems to me, you know. But they do all sound like characters we've just come up with. I like Boots the best he's the most rock and roll it seems to me you know but they do all sound like characters we've just come up with I like them I think it's I think where they fell down

Starting point is 00:56:09 is on that prescriptive bullshit and funnily they do a version of the Jackson 5's ABC which I don't understand which they try and make more educational by changing the lyrics no that's fine

Starting point is 00:56:18 no that's fine the problem is the point of the song is to teach kids about counting but they've used a track called ABC by the fucking Jacksons. So they have to make it sound like ABC is as simple as 1, 2, 3.

Starting point is 00:56:29 You could have called the song 1, 2, 3 and said, 1, 2, 3, easy as ABC. And then the integrity of the song would be absolute rock solid. But I think they've basically paid the royalties. It would have been easier back in that day. They've actually said, we're going to just use the music and credit you but we're going to

Starting point is 00:56:46 change the lyrics. There's a few Beatles tracks on there, isn't there? There's Octopus's Garden. Which does not work. If you did not like Octopus's Garden by Ringo Starr you will not like this interpretation.

Starting point is 00:56:56 The Animal Quackers version is not a classic. It makes it sound like a duffel bag full of farts. It's really quite scary his voice on that. And then it got with a little help

Starting point is 00:57:04 from my friends which is fine. It's really quite scary, his voice on that. And then they've got with a little help from my friends, which is fine. It's a perfectly vanilla cover. But fine. It's nice. They all can play. Like you say, it's got a session-y vibe.

Starting point is 00:57:13 You yearn for a bit more complexity and some solos and stuff. What was the other one we wanted to play before we wrap this up? Oh, so there's definitely some reggae guy who got his way

Starting point is 00:57:22 on three of the tracks here. Yes. And just said, let's do it a reggae style. You've hired so it doesn't work but on this one i think it works the best which is their version of the sea shanty what should we do with the drunken sailor all right so let's roll that now What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor? All I in the morning

Starting point is 00:57:54 Put him in a long boat till he's sober Put him in a long boat till he's sober Put him in a long boat till he's sober. Put him in a long boat till he's sober. Put him in a long boat till he's sober. I'll lie in the morning. Hooray and up she rises. Hooray and up she rises. Hooray and up she rises. Hooray and up she rises. I lie in the morning.

Starting point is 00:58:31 And it does work. You want it to go proper dub, but it doesn't. A lot of echo in. With the echo and the... The isolated bass line. Yeah. I mean, maybe some boffins out there can do that for us. That would be amazing.

Starting point is 00:58:44 But they've lasted three seasons they did live shows it says on the back there oh thanks for seeing us at the live show at our bus come on the bus is it on the bus is it just before sort of tis was on all of that i mean i remember when i was noshed off by rory the lion in the back of the animal quackers bus oh did you call it it's too much now t. Twang the monkey I did while I was doing it. It's just problematic, this character, for me. It's edging into weird. I went on tour with Animal Quackers.

Starting point is 00:59:13 And I wrote a book called Almost Quackers about travelling with a rock band. Wow. And it was a very rose-tinted look at the life of a rock star. Lots of lessons. And I grew up that year. It was lovely. Almost Quackers, it was called.

Starting point is 00:59:27 Fascinating. Yeah. We did have a little conversation about you not... Please, could you... Oh, Eli, just one more thing. What? What is it, Colin? Do you remember Jamie and the Magic Torch?

Starting point is 00:59:38 I do! Yeah. I had a good theme tune, didn't I? That was another one. Funnily enough, Colin, I'm just going to start talking to you then. I'm not going to fucking even get Paul here. You're better than Paul because you remember these things.

Starting point is 00:59:48 You like these things that I like. Oh, Eli, do you remember Crystal Tips and Alistair? No. Oh, you do. With the little girl with the big dog

Starting point is 00:59:54 that's gone down the slide. I never watched that. Oh, do you want to come back to my place and watch Crystal Tips and Alistair? It's okay. Come on, come back to my place. Not tonight.

Starting point is 01:00:02 We're getting on now. I know we are. I remember when I first came on the show and you didn't like me. And I have won you over with Crystal Tips and Alistair. And I tell you what, I'll throw in some rhubarb and custard as well. All over your tubby tubby. Get out! Get out, Alan.

Starting point is 01:00:17 You've crossed the line. He's not called Alan, you idiot. Colin. I've been saying his name again and again. All right, he's in the pantheon pool, okay? Hello, I'm Alan. I'm the knockoff character of Colin. I've come saying his name again and again alright he's in the pantheon Paul hello I'm Alan I'm the knock off character of Colin

Starting point is 01:00:27 I've come here as well oh fucking shut up do you remember wrestling Alan do you remember big daddy and giant hair stacks what you copy

Starting point is 01:00:35 your own copy character called Alan I remember you wrestling and giant hair stacks do you remember metal Mickey I'm not doing this do you remember

Starting point is 01:00:41 metal Mickey I'm not doing this anymore I remember metal Mickey I do it was written by the man who made the monkeys I'm not doing this anymore I remember that as well yeah I do Paul I'm not doing this do you remember Metal Mickey I'm not doing this anymore I remember Metal Mickey I do it was written by the man who made the monkeys I'm not doing this anymore I remember that as well

Starting point is 01:00:47 yeah I do Paul I'm going mad Eli help me help me Eli I'm not doing this anymore calm down my characters are scissoring

Starting point is 01:00:55 help me Eli calm down calm down you had a character vortex meltdown and it's fine now, okay? I remember that. No, shut up! Right, it is time to do the admin.

Starting point is 01:01:19 So let's get that out of the way because it's not the best part of any podcast. Email us here. Go to this website support us on this mate you're not interested you got what you want from us

Starting point is 01:01:28 and now you want to go they've gone if they've gone they've gone you've milked me dry I haven't you've twanged my monkey dry and now you want

Starting point is 01:01:36 now you're not going to give me the time and the respect to listen to the admin you're not even doing the admin just do the admin if they're not listening because it's boring they're not listening because it's boring,

Starting point is 01:01:45 they're not listening. Website, www.thecheapshow.co.uk Shut up. That's the one-stop shop. Tickets on sale for the live show. You can go there.

Starting point is 01:01:54 Any of the merch with the new art for 300, go there. Events, shop for the physical magazines, go there. Fact sheet for the live show, go there.

Starting point is 01:02:03 Links to web pages for every episode with pictures and sometimes video, go there. Theche for the live show. Go there. Links to web pages for every episode with pictures and sometimes video. Go there. Thecheapshow.co.uk. And if you'd like to support us on Patreon, you're welcome to. That would be lovely. It is patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Oh, your cab's arrived.

Starting point is 01:02:23 I've got nothing. I've got nothing. You invented a whole new character. What do I do anymore? You've got nothing I've got nothing you invented a whole new character what do I do anymore you've got nothing make an effort I shared a memory you did

Starting point is 01:02:32 a real memory a real memory yeah yeah keep following us on Twitter if you want to know information about how to get to the venue and car shares and all that thing

Starting point is 01:02:39 like we mentioned earlier at the Cheap Show Pod I'm at Paul Gannon Show and Eli is Eli Snoyd spelt E-L-I-s-n-o-i-d we have a po box details in the metadata for this episode and on our website uh swinging his arms in a really strange way what else he's gone internal i don't know if anyone's noticed this what else

Starting point is 01:02:56 i haven't mentioned he's internalized on instagram and facebook but whatever he doesn't listen to me i don't like facebook i barely go on it's a shitithole. What else? He's just spouting opinions. Oh, yeah. You can email us, thecheapshowatgmail.com, if you've got a tale from the dance floor or a story or a tale from the shop floor or any kind of tale or piece of information you'd like to share with us. Shall we call the segment Tales from the, insert word here, floor?

Starting point is 01:03:18 In Tales from the Floor. Tales from the Floor. Yeah. Ah. Floor Tales. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Starting point is 01:03:25 Yeah. And I Floor tales. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah. And I think that's it. Mate, and also, just the song count was ridiculously off the scale. What are you on? We're two weeks away from the live show.

Starting point is 01:03:34 I know. So you don't overexert yourself. September. September? Yeah, September. The angriest month. But we've got to get through August and August 13th

Starting point is 01:03:46 is our live show and we're looking forward to it but we're bricking it we hope as many of you can come as possible I know it seems by every day that goes past it gets harder and harder

Starting point is 01:03:55 but if you can come we promise to put on a great show for you it's going to be a proper laugh anything else? I mean not really I mentioned Patreon

Starting point is 01:04:02 that's all can we expect a photograph of your Paisley turnips? Because they're very fetching. How dare you? What? How dare you? I'm just being nice. I like the turnips.

Starting point is 01:04:12 I've got your dad sending dick pics. It goes with your shirt. You want to see my turnips? No, don't with the dad. You want to see my turnip? What did you say? You want to see my turnip? I'm thinking of a way out of this episode.

Starting point is 01:04:20 Do not want to see your turnip. Do you want to see my turnip? way out of this episode. Do not want to see your turnip. Do you want to see my turnip? You didn't even come down on a flavour

Starting point is 01:04:29 for our chocolate mystery bars. I did, I said cherry, didn't I? But what about the first one? I said cookie dough or something. Shut up. She doesn't even know

Starting point is 01:04:36 what you know. Orange smarty cookie dough. Just accept what you've done and... We're two weeks away. Zip it off. It's terrifying. This is the episode before the episode.

Starting point is 01:04:47 I keep flicking my cable, sorry. Not a lot, but just once or twice. I just want to apologise for that now. You did it when you were talking. Well, you were talking mainly. That makes it hard. I'm sorry. I've been aware of doing it twice.

Starting point is 01:04:58 Do you remember when Cheap Show used to be good? Right about episode 70 to 100. That was the best one. Colin's being negative now. We're never going on a fucking date now, Colin. I just seem to remember it being more fun in the past.

Starting point is 01:05:09 Fuck off. Look, your mum's here in her full cortina. Your mum's here? In a cortina. Your mum's here? Yeah. Damn it to you.

Starting point is 01:05:17 She's got curlers in her hair. Oh shit, my mum's here. I've got to go. Go get in the car. She knows I've left the house. She'll crucify me. Oh no. Off you go. Do you remember me? I gotta go she knows I've left the house she'll crucify me oh no off you go

Starting point is 01:05:26 do you remember me see you next week everybody bye bye bye everybody

CheapShow - Ep 293: Mystery Chocolate

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