CheapShow - Ep 295: The Kindness of Strangers

Episode Date: August 19, 2022

On a good day, Paul and Eli are old, clapped out, exhausted and useless. So, can you imagine what condition they’re in after foolishly exerting themselves following their BIG live show the previous day? You can find out in this week’s frail episode. Following the events of the live 300th episode performance, some kind CheapSkate listeners donated all sorts of weird, wonderful, and woeful packages to Paul and Eli and in this week’s podcast, they dive into some of the more edible offerings. After being wowed by their Cheese and Onion flavoured crisps, the cheap chaps are delighted to learn Tayto have a whole range of flavours to discover! Sadly, the same excitement can’t be observed for the soft drinks that have found their way into CheapShow’s orbit. As if exhaustion wasn’t enough, there’s also the matter of an ever largening room full of knock off characters to worry about! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-295-kindness-of-strangers And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! www.cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urin…-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Art Work: www.instagram.com/spunk__rock www.redbubble.com/people/spunkrock/shop www.etsy.com/uk/shop/spunkrock

Oh. Hello, Paul. Oh, I call over, Eli. Oh, what have you been doing? We did a live show, you fucking pillock, and we're old and fat. I was trying to lead into a joke about wanking, Paul, because that's what we do. What would you like me to give you?

Just come back. Rewind. What can I feed you into your mouth? Rewind. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Go on. Go on, go. All right, here we go.

I call over. Say that again. Places, Go on. Go on. I ache all over. Say that again. Placers, everyone. Here we go. Eli. Yeah. I'm tired and I ache.

What have you been doing? Wanking. I've got a new character, Paul. No, actually. No, no, no. No characters

before the credit sequence. No, but this character is relevant. Irrelevant. No, relevant. No, no, no. No characters before the credit sequence. No, but this character is relevant. Irrelevant? No, relevant. There's no character on this show that is relevant. This character could only exist pre-credits. Okay.

Go on. Do you want to come over? Why have you turned into Tommy Steele to introduce a character? Because he's over there. I've got to get him over. All right, okay. Come over, Tony. Hello, I'm Tony McColdopen. Hello. Is've got to get him over. All right, okay. Come over, Tony. Hello, I'm Tony McColdopen.

Hello. Is this a cold open? Oh, Tony McColdopen. Hello, do you like me so far? Right, Eli, you have a choice. I have a glass of water in my hand. I can either drink it like I want to or I can throw it in your fucking stupid face.

Whoa. What do you want? Why is he so aggro? I'm not talking to Tony because Tony is not approved and Tony can scuttle off to fuckland as far as I'm concerned. Tony cold open. What's Tony cold open got? What does he do?

I've got a range of cold openings. I've got some doors. A fridge door? Yeah, I've got a fridge door. What about a pantry? I've got a little outdoor birdhouse, which is icy because it's up north. What about the hoop of an igloo? Oh, too cold for me.

Tony McCold Open doesn't deal with igloos. So he's not that cold of an open, then, is he? What a waste of time. I'm not called Tony McFreezing Open, am I? He's not called anything. I hate you. I hate your existence. Shall I go?

I want you to go. All right. All right, is he gone? See you, Tony. Thanks, mate. Thanks for popping over. There right, is he gone? See you, Tony. Thanks, mate. Thanks for popping over. There he goes. Oh, that's nice, anyway.

Charming fellow. He was relevant. You see how he was relevant to this bit. I'm Gregory Cold Open, everybody. Oh, no. A copycat.

I'm here to build up the energy for this intro. Oh, one, two, three. One, two, three. Cold Open. One, two, three. One, two, three.

Here we go. Come on, everybody. It's the Cold Open. Are you Gregory? Thanks, Gregory. Bye. Oh, he doesn't, three, one, two, three, cold open. One, two, three, one, two, three. Here we go. Come on, everybody. It's the cold open. Are you Gregory? Thanks, Gregory. Bye. Oh, he doesn't off-pep me up. What a worthwhile and relevant character he is.

You shouldn't be swelling the ranks of the copy character club, man. They've already got a fucking huge lock. Have you seen the new technological big thing that they've put? It's a thumbprint thing. I can't get in there anymore. I can't get in. I want to make a coffee. They've got all the coffee-making stuff in that club

behind a fucking vault door that they seem to have put on it. Should we gas them? Should we just put a hose under the door? I don't know, mate. And turn the car on? Just get rid of them? I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll burn it all down. I don't think... I'll burn it all down. I don't think that's the arc. That's too short an arc for this thing that we're building. Arc, schmock. Let me kill them. No.

Come on. Go on, let me. We have to do something of the stature of the Die Hard episode. Hey, listen. Come over here. Come over here with me.

We've just done the live show. Me and Eli are pretty knackered. We're phoning this week's in. All right? We don't really have an idea of what we're doing this week. We really don't. So just sit tight.

I did a character. You did a copy character. Endure this for an hour and then next week you get something better. All right? I promise you. This week, though, write off. Fucking just give us a download. Move did a copy character. Endure this for an hour, and then next week you get something better. All right? I promise you. This week, though, write-off.

Fucking just give us a download. Move on. Don't even listen. Just give us the download. Stop. Come on. It'll be all right. It'll be fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show

It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. No one likes a long cold open. They just want to get to the guts of it.

They want to park the flaps and get to the guts of the podcast as soon as possible. Paul, have we always done cold opens? No. It was something we started maybe about three, four years ago. So we don't have to be beholden to it. I like it. I like the fact that you're sitting there, you put the episode on

and all of a sudden we pop into your ears and we say, hello cheeky. Like that. Hello cheeky. Like somebody runs... Can I see a podcast,

darling? Like somebody runs a car lot in the East End. Yeah, let me interest you with this podcast, sir. Oh, it's been going seven years and nearly 300 episodes, sir.

Oh, it's a nifty little mover. Bit rough around the the edges got a bit of rust on it bit of shit on the back seat bald tires you know getting a bit a bit out of date not very economical but you know what it is it's a lovely little moto a lot to character lovely little idea can i interest you sir in a podcast it sounds very nice but i was hoping for something a bit more oh true crimey oh we've got one over here then, sir. We have this nice sleek black model that looks like a hearse. You can get in it and look miserable all the time and be really clever about the fact that you like people

who slaughter the lives of innocents. But it's entertaining. It's entertaining, isn't it? You're a true crime podcast fan. I like a true crime podcast. Same here. Dollop kind of sometimes is true crime, isn't it? They tend to stay away from it,

but it touches on it every now and then. Theyop kind of sometimes is true crime. They tend to stay away from it but it touches on it every now and then. They don't do outright murders and stuff. They'll do heists and stuff on the comedic side of stuff. Whereas Last Podcast

which is the one I listen to I tend to not listen to the serial killer ones anymore because at least I just don't care anymore about that stuff. Yeah and they get really repetitive those stories

because they're just banal boring people. They're boring losers aren't they? With horrible shit in the middle you kind of have to go yeah that happened to an innocent person but the people

are sort of boring killers on the whole are boring aren't they they're just mundane I like the ghosts the yeti the crypto stuff I like when they do

the cults I like the historical stuff I was in a cult Paul yes we know save it when Suze comes back because she wants to probe you deeply on that it's consensual

yeah so all that stuff I'll listen to because I find that fascinating you know oh he's spilt his coffee everywhere oh no you have you fucking idiot i spilt a little bit you kicked your cup across the room you fucking dozy bonk footed fathead He knocked it all the way across the room. Mere seconds after chiding me. Oh, this is a shit show episode this week.

Look, oh look, you've stained it. Put your guppy muckings all over. I've only done a little bit. A little bit, it's on me. It's on me. Always mopping me down now. A bit higher. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, it's on me thigh. You haven't done anything. There's nothing to see here eli's being told off oh eli did you didn't sympathetically you bonk footedly did it all right back in a sec all right i'll keep him interested so yeah a little bit of background yes as of this recording we just did the live show at the Harrow Arts Centre. And can I just say, despite the fact that we had Coldplay against us, the hotel price rises, the heatwave, and the rail strike on that day, to see that venue, what, 80% full? 80-something like that? It was astounding to see that many of you there for our show. Now, no spoilers, because the show has stuff in it that we need to lead up to continuity-wise and stuff.

So, basically, Episode 300 comes out in a couple of weeks. Five weeks, I think, after the release of this podcast. And on the same day, because people have been asking, the same day, we will be releasing the video version of... The show was filmed, so you'll get to see it on YouTube,

the filmed version of the live show. So you can either put it in your ears that day or watch it on YouTube, but you will all get to see episode 300 in all its gory glory. Multimedia release then. There will be things in the podcast version which will be different to warrant you listening to it.

For instance, I'll cut out bits where certain visual things don't work or there's long gaps between changeovers and stuff like that, but it will be in there as much as possible and I think we'll do some insert throughout the episode as a little kind of... I'm looking forward to it. Just to give you a little bit extra for the podcast listener.

I'm looking forward to inserting my tuppiness into the slot left by the hole of the tuppiness. I'm not up for it this week, Paul. I'm not up for it, mate, because I'm genuinely fucking burnt out. I'm quite tired as well. I arrived there early, as you know.

We sat outside. Yeah. We planned. It was all good. It was a bit like being back in Edinburgh. It was. All our costumes

and all the little things. It was. It had that weird Edinburgh show vibe when we threw our shitty sketch shows there. It was fun, but I think, you know,

our experience of working together live sort of came through a bit there, you know? Yes, because as I said to many people on the day lots of planning for this show absolutely zero rehearsal which is how we used to work and it's how we do the podcast even when we have story episodes or whatever we build a web and then we

kind of just climb across it as best we can so yeah and there weren't too many terrible sort of faux pas or uh no meander what it was i didn't know if it was going to run for two hours, but it was bang on two hours. All the guests brought their A-game. It was so great to have Octavius there and Ethan and Biffo and Ashton's and Sanya and also Graham and Izzy who helped film the show and putting all the effort in there.

So everyone who turned up, it was such a huge audience. And it's like the biggest show I've ever done. Is it? Not including the Psychic and Science stuff, which is someone else's project. This is the single biggest audience I've performed that for a show

that belongs to me, you, us. What about Rogue's Handbook, that one that they recorded? Wasn't there close to 300 people in there? There was only 300 people in there, but it was a much smaller room and it was much hotter. Yeah, that was horrendous.

And that was hotter on the day when we recorded 300. That fucking day. With stuff, yeah, yeah. Because that place was like just a sweat box. Yeah. And that was hot on the day when we recorded 300. That fucking day. With stuff, yeah, yeah. Because that place was like just a sweat box. Yeah. And there's also shows going on

throughout the day in there. So the stink ratcheted up. So we had little squirty bottles on the front to squirt people in the water and pass it around. We had squirty bottles, yeah. Yeah.

Didn't do that this time. No. Fuck them. Well, you know, actually, you know what I did with the squirty bottles in Edinburgh? Go on.

He's just spunk into them. Just to reiterate, ladies and gentlemen, we're not in the mood today. I did a wee into them. Did you? Yeah. And then every time I squirted a stupid audience member's face, I thought, ah, sap my wee wee.

That way I had all the piss freaks come back for our final show. Have you heard? This Eli gentleman, he splashes thou inth first with piss bottles. Is it true? Yeah, let's go online and form a group and we'll all turn up on the front row and boo him. That's why people boo you. They didn't boo me, Paul. Because they want your piss in the face.

They didn't boo me. Now the denial starts. The denial. Let me just point this out. I'm only building on your fake story about the piss bottles. Oh, I see. So none of this happened, Eli. Oh.

Do I have to explain that to you? So on today's podcast, we got a big load of stuff from people who came to the live show. Things to eat, play with, explore, listen to, lots of stuff. We've got a little sample of it here today. We're going to go through it

and we're calling it an episode. And then next week is a Gannon's Golden Games with a game I've been trying to do for a while. Ooh, the bread game. No. Oh, someone gave me the bread game. No. Oh, someone gave me the bread game. I looked through it

and I just wanted to fucking smash it. Really? Like literally, there's DHSS cards, you know, because that was what they called

the doll back in the 80s. So it's got this weird kind of monopoly thing going around where you go around the board giving money to the paying rent.

It's like a monopoly of you're on benefits sort of thing. Yeah, kind of. And you have to do what your mum says and all the characters have certain characteristics which means when things oh, sort of thing. Yeah, kind of. And you have to do what your mum says and all the characters have certain characteristics

which means when things... Oh, I hate it. Yeah. I hate bread. And you'll hear much more about it when we play it but it won't be any time soon.

So that's not the game that you've been hoping to get for years? No, this is an action adventure board game with toy elements and things. Ooh.

I'm looking forward to that. Yes. It'll be good. I was given a seven inch single of like giz a job by do you know that one yeah from uh boys from the black stuff yeah that's right yeah because there's the whole that was i mean the fact that they turned it into a song is really kind of bad taste in my opinion because the point is i can't remember they're desperate yosie hughes is the main character that's it by it's by yos the yos is yeah so i don't know if

you've seen it recently but it's about early 80s, Liverpool, dull, breadline, poverty, you know, hardship. So similar setting to bread. No, and we're not conflating the two. But over the course of those episodes, that season,

Yosser goes from cocky, scouts, who's a bit kind of in denial about his situation to utterly broken, fucked up person. Right. And the whole Gizzer job thing

sours as the show goes on. So at the beginning of like gizzard job mate I can do that he's meant to be this cocky kind of scouse kind of thing but by the end

it's like a kind of desperate howl of the lost so to suddenly go let's cash in and make a pop record is it not a choice was it a comedy show

was it like a black comedy a sort of dark comedy it was a drama it had humorous elements but it wasn't no it's not a comedy Bleasdale right Alan Bleasdale, right?

Alan Bleasdale. Yeah. Yeah. I believe so. Snip, cut that out. Oh, fuck you. Nah, it's alright. You're going to be struggling for fucking content this week.

We are already. Hasn't this conversation about Olivia Newton-John just proven that? I'll talk about it for hours. I've literally exhausted all my facts about her. Anyway, thank you

if you came to the live show. We hope you enjoyed it. If you have any pictures or video clips, send them to us, thecheapshow at gmail.com. We'll use them for our webpage when we release the episode in a few weeks' time. Excellent. Excellent work. Shall we start this week's podcast then? Ah, I thought we already had.

No, but get into the guts of it. Pop the flaps, get into the guts of it. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah. To of it. Oh. Oh. Yeah. To keep warm. Yeah. Because it's like

we're out in the cold like Luke Skywalker in the beginning of Empire Strikes Back. And just like that it smells worse on the inside. Is that one of the lines

in the film? Doesn't he say oh don't worry it smells like a fucking gut. Smells like a big flange here. I can smell what it fucking ate.

Hey Luke, I know you're freezing but I'm going to stick you in the gut to this animal that smells like an unwashed clunge. Oh, maybe not. Unwashed clunge, she's the man of your dreams. Unwashed clunge, she comes apart at the seams.

Unwashed clunge. Clumbs? I've lost it. Let's just start this segment. Go. All right. It's the league of snacks

and Chris returner is it may as well no because these not going in the league the league is official these could

really yeah so you know we got a bunch of PO box stuff and forgive me if I've forgotten the name of the person who's given me this

because it all got thrown into a bag and then thrown into another bag and then separated up yesterday and then put into separate bags and then put into my bag today then separated up yesterday and then put into separate bags

and then put into my bag today and I've kind of lost all hope of remembering anyone's name ever again there's a letter

yeah I'm not sure if this is related to the snacks but let me just have a quick read of it oh there's a face someone's done a face on that

and a seal they put googly eyes on the letter Samuel oh it is Samuel gave these crisps excellent thank you Samuel

dear Cheap Show I have long heard of the legend of Taito, so all of a sudden... I remember him handing us the Taito. He said, you Taito are great, and he handed us Taito. Hopefully, there's going to be

another flavour Taito in there. Yeah, there is. That's the whole point. That's the point of this segment. Let's do the fucking theme for the league again. Well, let me just read this letter, then we can get straight into the theme

and then part the flaps and get into the guts of it. Yeah, and stay warm because it's icy. Push the fabric to the into the theme and then part the flaps and get into the guts of it. Yeah, and stay warm because it's icy. Push the fabric to the side, push the flaps apart and then get into the guts of this segment.

Remembering to wash first. Right. So, yes, all of a sudden they've popped up everywhere in London. My friend gets them for free at her work. Ooh.

And then charges £2 each. Not really a cheap eat. I would love to hear your opinions. Congratulations on reaching 300. Many thanks, Samuel. Thank you, Samuel. And the wax seal, Paul, is an S. So that is Samuel's seal.

Oh. No, it's nice when people put a little bit of wax on it. But I didn't know if it was like a price of shite thing. So I opened it carefully to have a sneak peek. Oh, I see. In case it was related to some loose items. No, it was related to the crisps and it stayed with the crisps.

So today we have, as mentioned, we've mentioned it on the show before, Tato, they're a well-known Irish brand of crisps. They've got a theme park.

They released that chocolate bar that we had. We recently tasted the chocolate bar which you didn't like. I thought it was okay. It's fine, but I couldn't taste the crisps. It's quite subtle.

Cheese and onion, quite unusual. So, Tato cheese and onion, one. We've done those. It's quite subtle. Cheese and onion. Quite unusual. So, Tato cheese and onion. One. We've done those. We've been there. They are great.

Tato salt and vinegar. Now we're getting into the uncharted horizons of snack tasting. What X? Only smoky bacon.

I've never even conceived of seeing those. Mate, calm down, alright? Keep your composure. I'm getting a Tato hard on. I'm getting even conceived of seeing those. Calm down, all right? Keep your composure. I'm getting a Tato hard on. I'm getting a

proper spud on. Oh, what? Red and salted. Oh, you see, you've got to pull it back. You're getting too excited.

I've pulled it back already. I'm waiting for it to go off. It's winking, like that little mole. I have a strange

condition, which gives me a muscly meters, Paul. They talk about, you know, fucking puppetry of the penis. I have a strange condition which gives me a muscly metus, Paul. And I do, they talk about, you know, fucking puppetry of the penis. I can do fucking

ventriloquism of the metus. Oh, I thought you were going to say ventriloquism of the vagina or something. Nah, anyone can do that. Mumma, mumma, mumma, mumma. I don't know what you do. I don't know what you do.

Oh, that's good queef work there. Mumma. Why does your vagina sound like a 1950s talking baby? 1950s talking baby? You know, you used to tip one of those babies around. Oh yeah, they've got a thing inside that goes

If you were having You used to do those cow boxes though, you used to have. That was a different saying, but that's just a lower Just to clarify, if you were being intimate with a lady and she parted their legs and you heard or you'd be like I'm off. Is that alright? I'm off. Just to clarify, if you were being intimate with a lady and she parted their legs and you heard, Mama! Or, no! You'd be like, I'm off! No.

Is that alright? I'm off! I wouldn't. It depends on a lot of other factors. No, because when you get your cock out, it hisses like a cat. Yeah, it's one of the downfalls of having a muscular meters. That's the horrible idea. It makes it sound like an eldritch god's eye. I have a muscle meters.

Last crisps. Prawn cocktails. So, you know. All the classics. The standard classics. They must be coming over because all the only ones that made it over were the cheese and onion,

which are great. And there's two drinks in here, but maybe we'll save that for another time. What can I even see them? Oh, yeah. This is, again, sent someone for Juicy Jeremy. Hey, pop soda. Oh, this was the box.

The guy who gave us the box. Yeah. With the Juicy Jeremy. And it's two with each the box the guy who gave us the box yeah with the Juicy Jeremy and it's two with each this flavour so two of these and two of these so one is Hazy Lemon

Sicilian Lemon and Lemongrass Pop Soda and what's the Pop is the what's the brand that is the brand Pop Soda I've never seen those

and this is Jagged Grapefruit which is pink grapefruit and blood orange oh I bet that's really nice that sounds great Pop is a soda made by Brewdog. Oh.

Pop. Planet over profit. Right. I hate them already. Sorry. That really, that one word really. In the next segment,

segment, segments, I've got problems. Right. So, Tato, well known, great brand.

Let's get into this. Let's taste them for texture. How close they are to the flavor authenticity and what's the other one we do because we haven't done this in maybe like two years i don't know we do four we we in the house can we do it like a league of snacks light like this is just no texture no i refuse i will not listen i know we're both really tired and low energy from the live show which really did take it out of us. Well done.

Well, I just want to say well done. Usually I'm like at your throat sometimes going, pull your finger out. But I can't throw that at you this year. No, it was good. We both did well. As a biggest, finest, most fun, most creatively satisfying show I think I've ever done. And I hope you all enjoyed it. And I hope those who are waiting to hear it and watch it will enjoy it also. However,

just because we're tired, just because we're deservedly pooped out, a bit low energy, you know, just because we're making stupid mouth noises, don't start this, please. It doesn't mean that the League of fucking Snacks

and Crisps gets denigrated. We're not doing a light version. Who are we? The Guinness World Records? We're going to take payola? What did you say? The Guinness Weather Girls Weather Second? The Guinness World of Records?

No, right. It's not even a tongue twister. It's just a sentence. And you can't say it. Guinness World Records? The Weather Girls Guinness World Records competition. I'm just saying. Listen.

There are four. In our League of Snacks and Crisps. there are four... In our league of snacks and crisps... There are four parameters of which we judge the crisp. Which score out of ten? Yes. Flavour? One. Texture?

Two. No, well, didn't it become like, how faithful is it to the flavour it's saying it is? I'm getting there, Paul. What's the difference between that and flavour? Texture and flavour are two different things, man. You shouldn't have mentioned league of snacks. You just said it eats from crisps.

That's not the way this goes down, okay? People listen to our show because of the rigorous scientific attitude that we have towards these things, Paul. Noodles, crisps, sauces. Crisps, noodles and sauces. All the things that you like best. And soda pop, right?

And pickles. All the things you like best. Okay And soda pop. Right? And pickles. All the things you like best. Okay? And I will not let them down. These people who have expected nay. Nay. Nay. Christ. Snip snip. Snip snip snip.

Nay. Nay. Expected. Rigorous. Scientific fucking aptitude. So we got texture. We got flavour So we got texture. We got flavour. Yes. We got... Nostalgia was...

Authenticity. Right. And we got nostalgia. But how does flavour and authenticity, like, how do we differentiate? Authenticity is accuracy, is what we called it. Not authenticity.

Yeah, accuracy to the flavour. Accuracy to the thing that it is representing. But is it... Prawn cocktail doesn't taste like prawn cocktail. So are we judging by the amplitudious version of prawn cocktail flavoured crisps. Were those the factors? I don't know.

This is why I think we should just quickly drop this and just taste the crisps and not rank them. We need to. These are classic crisps that needs to be in the pantheon. What we need to do

is do a proper reboot of the League of Snacks, right? A proper gritty DC reboot. All right. But not now. Not now. Okay. Let's just eat these fucking crisps.

And then when we do the reboot, maybe we can go back and reformulate what the parameters are. Can I ask you a quick... All right, Paul. I'm with you because I can't remember

the fucking parameters now. It's another hot day. I know. I'm not in the fucking mood. It's fine. And I still have problems like focusing because I'm so tired still.

I know, Paul. Okay. We've been through that. Your dick don't work. Dick don't work. Got dick out. Dick didn't work've been through that your dick don't work dick don't work got dick out dick didn't work got dick out

dick didn't work put it back in felt like a burk and you dipped you dipped you dug in your pocket and dipped and dug dick

no you're on your own with that whatever that is I don't know what that is I'm doing alliteration dug dick out a dickeration you dug in your pocket

again just to clarify ladies and gentlemen we're not on our best form today you dipped in your pocket and you dug dick out no I didn't get my dick out't get me and then your dick dribbled no yes it did it kind of i can see it gleaming it's more of a drool than a dribble can i ask you a question in all seriousness how's your crisp life man we're doing crisps now what have you been getting down into

though what you've been looking at what you've been tasting what you've been experimenting with you know just feeling cool. Just get some crisps, man. Well, you know, hey, I eat crisps. I can eat any crisps I like. You know, just go into the shop, man. Maybe I'll try something else today, you know. Go and get some fucking crisps.

Hello. I must stop this segment. I am Sergeant Segment, and I am the law around here, and I set the laws for all segments. And I've noticed this is going dangerously off-piste. I'm asking you about your fucking crisp, like. I'm sorry, Sergeant. I'm talking around here and I set the laws for all segments. And I've noticed this is going dangerously off piste. I'm asking you about your fucking crisp life. I'm sorry, Sergeant. I'm talking to Paul.

I'm asking you about your fucking crisp life. Now tell me. Don't answer that, Paul. I want to have a proper... Sergeant, you're not needed here. You're not a real policeman. I'm a sergeant, sir. You're a sergeant of whose army?

Of whose army? The secondary characters have asked for the law to be brought in. The what? The secondary character have asked for the law to be brought in. The what? The secondary character knock-offs have been brought, asked for the law. The funny thing is, Sergeant, I know it's not your fault, but Paul, the man behind you who's creating you, cannot remember. It's very easy.

Think of it as the CCC, the Character Copy Club. I am Francois Fordy-Claw, and I have come here now to say that this character and that character is just muddling the waters of this segment and I wish for all of you to pull out right this second. Okay. Thanks, Francois. Yes, that is good.

Thank you. Shall I drop this accent since I do not exist? Yes, please. Thank God, Eli, I'm having problems. All I meant to ask, Paul, is what kind of crisps are you eating these days? You know? I haven't had crisps for a while.

Really? The last ones I had were those hot chili cheese ones. Oh, hers? Yeah. They are banging. I got you those as a gift, didn't I?

Yeah, and they were lovely. And I made them last two weeks and they were lovely. Oh, you just dip in with those big packs, yeah. Yeah. They last for a while.

They do. When I get a nice big bag of some kind of exotic turkey, I'll keep going back. Yeah. Keep going back. It's not a one sitter, that bag. No, absolutely not. You would destroy,

with turkeys, you would destroy your guts, as happened to me with the blue heat ones. Whoa! Scary. Well, baby. Scary coloured pudding. Right, let's get on with this. Tato, salt and vinegar you're starting with. I wanted to tell you about what I've been eating crisp-wise lately. Go on. I had some delicious black truffle flavor

Spanish ones not they weren't that expensive I saw them I saw them yeah so good subtle so good not that expensive so good and you know what there's a recipe where you make an omelette and you put crisps in that's I can understand that we should do that yeah we should definitely when in an upcoming segment let's do no a video episode for Patreon. Crisp Omelette. Yeah. I'm holding you to that because I really want to try it. All right. Top tier Patreon video.

Crisp Omelette. Yay. Cromlet. But apparently, if you use those truffle ones, that's... Or Omelisp. Omelisp. Omelisp. I like Omelisp.

I'll have an Omelisp, please. Apparently, it's something they do, like in Spain or something. That makes sense to me. I mean, you can put slices of boiled potato in an omelette quite nicely and then cook it. We're going to run through these tatoes now, Paul. We're going to start

with the salt and vinegar. Salt and vinegar. And I'm going to need you to give me the huff report. Ooh. Because Eli, no matter what happens, the huff report

is always here. Okay, I'm giving you the huff and the snuff. I'm telling you, that is a very nice amplitudinous, rounded nose that these Taito have.

Are they sharp and tart like a walker's or more kind of... They've got that sharpness, that strength, yes, but they've got the sweetness as well of the balsamic. I was going to say, of like a kind of square...

Just a lovely, a lovely full vinegar flavour coming off. Do you know what I mean? This actually smells a lot like those kettle chip... Balsamic ones. Balsamic ones.

Like literally the same. Okay, yeah. There's a sweetness there as well, isn't there? I think this is going to score highly. I like the texture. I like the form. Here we go. What do you expect?

Can I just, before you do that... Go on. What is it that makes their cheese and onion? What differentiates the Taito cheese and onion from your standard, your Walker's or your Golden Wonder? I think it's the fact that the crisp feels a little thicker and a little more like dusted. They feel a bit more kind of

more flavour particles on it. But what about the actual flavour? It's sort of stronger. Sort of a stronger cheese and onion flavour. It's just richer. Yeah, it's richer. That's the way. I'm going in. It's just a very nice standard salt and vinegar crisp. There is nothing, again, like you say,

nothing special, but satisfying. Very satisfying. It's not too astringent. It's less astringent than Walker's, definitely. Less vinegary. It's got that nice kind of sweet,

not buttery, but you know what I mean, that kind of nice aftertaste, which is kind of the potato settling. It just is a great combo. It's a classic combo. So, let's go on to...

Four out of five. Yeah, that's a very nice basic crisp. And I would... B. Solid B. I would have to say, if I saw those in the shop next to Walker's, I'd definitely get the Tato's.

I would as well. Unless there was a Square Crisp, in which case I'd get the Square Crisps. I mean, I like Walker's Salt and Vinegar, but there is... It's more astringent than that. I'll say it. I think my favourite Salt and Vinegar and my favourite cheese-flavoured crisp are Square Crisps. Really? Yeah.

It's the delivery. It's the texture delivery. The delivery, the shape, the texture, the flavour. It's all there. It's all in my mouth. Shall we move on to the prawn cocktail and have the spiky bacon fit last? Because we don't need to do the cheese and onion. We've got the ready salted though as well. Remember that? The red one. Right. So we've had the ready salted now? Let's get that out of the way. Because I don't think we've

ever had ready salted. And honestly, your base crisp has to be important. Because if you can't do a base crisp, you have no business doing others. Is that a nice buttery one? A lovely, yeah, almost that Tato butteriness. You're right, yeah. These are good crisps. Those are very nice.

It's the British crisp style. I know they're Irish, but it's a kind of British crisp. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of weird to commend it on how predictable it is, but actually it's so hard to get a crisp flavour right that when you get it right, you can just go, well, there you go. There's something really comforting about the way the Taito, the basic, the general basicness of Taito.

The Taito man says, the secret's in the flavour, it says. Yeah. I'm going to open the prawn cocktail now, Paul. Ulster Countryside. That's a fucking odd sentence. Oh, now this. Prawn cocktail.

The prawn cocktail, the smell is something off for me about this. Not like off rotten, but there's something I don't know. I think this is where they're departing

from like the standard Walker's flavour much more for me on the nose. Yeah, it's almost got a fishiness to it. Interesting. But it's different from the, you'll agree I'm sure. You're right. It almost got a fishiness to it. Interesting. But it's different from the...

You'll agree, I'm sure. You're right. It's got a lot less of that ketchup-y kind of thing. Yeah, less ketchup, more sort of... And a little bit of a... It's like an aquarium needs cleaning. Have you checked that there isn't actually any fish in these? No.

I can eat these. Then taste away. Prawn cocktail, I sometimes get in a hankering for them. Maybe if I've had sort of too many too much salt and vinegar in a row you know I don't like prawn cocktail anyway right but there's something a little bit different to those which puts them that makes them a bit more interesting to eat I can't put my finger on what that is but maybe there's like a spice thing going on or yeah there's a note it came through and then it disappeared I know exactly what you mean after

the sweetness almost like um it's not cinnamon what's the word I'm looking for? Cayenne? Paprika. Yeah, paprika. Cayenne, yeah. That's what it is, yeah. I don't think there is any in the crisp, but there's that weird kind of... It feels like it's there, yeah, but there's no heat. It's not like a chilly heat, but it's just that sort of smokiness. Spice. Spicey smoke.

Very well noticed. Three. Three. Talking of smoke. I've lost track. Three for the ready salted, because they're fine, but not, you know, three and a half. I. Three. Talking of spoke. I've lost track. Three for the ready salted because they're fine but not, you know, three and a half. I put 3.5 for the ready salted.

Three for the prawn cocktail flat out. I'd say four for the salt and vinegar. I said four for salt and vinegar. And three I'd say for the prawn cocktail as well. So the last of them.

Yeah. Smoky bacon. Smoky bacon. This will be an interesting one. Now, I've had some issues recently with smoky bacon products, Paul. Okay. I. How does does that work i get repeated on with the flavor coming back and i was on psychedelic mushrooms and i kept it kept coming back whilst i was tripping on these mushrooms

right and it was like so regular and so mundane and really sort of pierced the psychedelic trip i was on it was like a cesium clock it was so regular so mundane and so it, and really sort of pierced the psychedelic trip I was on. It was like a cesium clock. It was so regular, so mundane. So it would bring you out of your fervour. Yeah, because it's just like, oh, there's all the lights, and everything's melting, and who am I really? And there's the taste of smoky bacon flavoured crisps again. Oh, I'm chipping out the water melting.

Pig! Yeah, you know. Oh, there's a lady. Do you know what I'm getting at, though? There's a five-dressed lady with a monkey playing the piano. Pig! Yeah, and there's this taste of smoky bacon flavoured crisps again. Why is it?

Here's the question. Throughout the whole trip, when I was really high to when I come down, it was still going. Do you know what I mean? Every time I burped. Here's the question. Why is it smoky bacon?

Why is it not just bacon flavoured crisps or pork? You know what I mean? Why is smoky bacon the thing? Because it's very difficult to... why is smoky bacon the thing because it's very difficult to does the smoky pot add more flavour to what would usually

be quite a bland meat flavour it's very difficult to replicate just that pure umami of unsmoked bacon that's basically the only flavour

of unsmoked bacon you've got that salt and you've got that sort of amino acid umami yeah and that would be difficult to get across but there's all that

kind of bacon toothpaste and bacon lip balm. That's all smoked. It's all smoked. I remember now. You can get unsmoked bacon in the shop, though, but it's got that pure umami. It's much more of a mouthfeel than an actual flavour. It's just funny because you look at it and you go, why is it smoky bacon? Why was that the flavour that stuck?

Because they can put the smoky in and then they don't have to worry about the bacon. Guess. This has got the weakest half of all the crisps we've had from Tato so far. Get those juices jiggling. Oh, you're right. I can still smell it, but it's not rich with scent. Like the way that the salt and vinegar was. Down the hatch.

Flavour-wise, it's fine. A bit too sweet. Yeah. It's almost got like a caramelly flavour going on. Definitely. And I would say the prawn cocktail a bit too sweet, but it works so well with the salt and vinegar salt and vinegar oh top draw ready salted perfectly serviceable those are my top two the ready salted and the salt and vinegar very good you want those ones to be good don't you because less people are going to go for the smoky bacon or the walkers ready salted it's kind of greasy yeah and there's not that these are kind

of drier snacks too salty the walkers as well. What's it say on the back? Finally in a secret part of Tato Castle our crisps are given their special flavours ensuring you get

irresistible crisps every time. Now Mr Tato or whatever he's called is a potato so it's a weird brand where you're eating the thing that you're

trying to. We've got the crisps ready for you. Send them to the flavour room. You know what I mean? Well what? Where is it? It's in the secret part of Ulster Castle.

What happens there? He hasn't washed his cock in a while, so we're making cheese and onion crisps for the next few days. Oh, Paul. Now we're going to try these. What does the spunk of a potato man look like? Is it mash? I'd say soggy mash.

With a little spring onion. Champ, maybe champ. It's got some cream in. Oh. With a little spring onion. Champ, maybe champ. It's got some cream in. Oh, mate. And spring onion. No, I reckon it comes up like smash. You know, like when you used to get smash. Yeah, but he's too watery.

Yeah. So Mr. Tato's pumping away and out comes all the mash. I'm glad we've had this conversation. Buttery mash. Now, I picked these up in a Middle Eastern store. Oh, yeah, when we did a little bit of a walk. These are Cheetos potato chips, and these are salt and vinegar flavour. And you can tell because they've got a bunch of grapes on the cover. But that's to make the vinegar.

The vinegar's nestled behind this bunch of grapes here. Weird, isn't it? It's factually correct, but it's still mentally off-putting. These, as far as I can tell, are Middle Eastern. They have Arabic writing on the back. Iran. Iranian crisps, Paul. Cheetos. are Middle Eastern. They have Arabic writing on the back. Iran. Iranian crisps, Paul. Cheetos. Go for it. Let's finish it off with this.

Oh, wow. Now that's an astringent. Compare and contrast to the salt and vinegar of the Taitos. Much more astringent, aren't they? It's a little bit more tart on the eyes. And what do they look like? They look normal. Yeah, I mean, a little bit. Nah. They taste out of date. Yeah, little bit. Nah, they taste out of date.

Yeah, I was going to say they're out of date. Not as good at all. Still edible, I mean. They taste like a crisp that's been sitting on the carpet for too long and you've eaten it because you can't be fucked to get up. They so do, don't they? Yeah. Or like a crisp found in a library book.

It's a cardboardy, sort of woody, sort of, yeah, rottenness. Good, well, they were terrible. Lovely crisps. I'm going to go back to my ready salted. I'm going to go back to the salt and vinegar. Tato's here. You're enjoying those ready salted, aren't you? No, I'm done.

This segment's done, mate. Oh, I'm just going to taste this. No, this segment's done. This is 25 minutes. Onion and parsley. I'm done. Arabic Cheetos. Onions and parsley. Well, that's the cheap cheese parsley. I'm done. Arabic Cheetos. Onions and parsley.

Well, that's the cheap cheese segment. Don't cheese segment. Oh, they smell of pickles, Paul. I don't want to do it anymore. They smell of pickles. Quick, five. Four. Oh, I don't like it.

It smells like school glue. What do they like? Onion and parsley Cheetos with a Z. Again, the flavour's not bad It's the texture that lets it down I like those Really? Those are better than the salt and vinegar

There's more going on There's an onioniness Yeah I don't like it Oh they're nicer They're definitely nicer I am done with this segment I've had all the crisps I'm going to eat I'm closing down the pop-up

League of Snacks stall That we've put up on the high street And no one's attended Right Is that it? Say goodbye to this segment. I'm not going anywhere. I'm Sergeant Segment and I end this

segment now with this closing ceremony. Zip. Why? I'm running, I've got nothing. You really have nothing. He abandoned the waggy mouth noise in full flow because he couldn't get mentally hard for doing an impersonation of wanking with his mouth.

Sorry, Eli. I've been a traitor to you. You have. Just press the button. Bye. I don't know. It's the next segment. It's sweat.

Oh, that was a long sound effect. It was the longest sound effect of all time. It was the sound of time itself. What sound does time make, though? Do you really want an answer? I think I can guess. It sounds like this. I can't do it with a smile.

Hang on. I've got to stop. Hang on. Oh, sad thing. You can have problems during the live show doing the mouth noise as well, Paul. The sound of time. Nice. Empty.

An empty mouth noise there. You started with the ribbit, ribbit, and then it went. And then I dropped it. Quickly. Cut it out. Didn't want it. Didn't want it to affect the sound of time. Anyway, God, we are scraping the old barrel at both ends.

How about this for a mixed metaphor? Go on. I've been scraping the barrel at both ends. Oh, I like it. That's a nice one. I've been scraping the barrel at both ends. That about this for a mixed metaphor? Go on. I've been scraping the barrel at both ends. Oh, I like it. That's a nice one. I've been scraping the barrel at both ends. That's an excellent one.

Well done, Silverman. Yes, you'll save the show. Here he comes with his bon mots. Oh, he's coming along. That sounded like

Jimmy Savile, didn't it? Yeah, towards the end, it did. But, you know, nice, nice. Nice.

Thank you for rescuing, I think, that intro to what is just a normal little rummage through what was left of the P.O. Box stuff. Here's the first thing I want to get out of the way. What? This is for you. This was sent to you. This is yours. Noodles. I've got noodles.

I know, but we'll get back to that. We'll talk to them another time. One of those noodles, I saw someone on Twitter that I threw into the crowd at the live show, Paul. Yes, yes. you were three years out of date three years out of date didn't even think to check i did check you didn't because that was three years out of date proving you did not check i was i have to be honest with you and the listenership here paul i was trying to get rid of some noodles that have been in my room for a long time yeah you could have put them in the bin no i could throw

them at people at the live show all right better is it well they don't go in my room for a long time. Yeah, you could have put them in the bin. No, I could throw them at people at the live show. Even better. Is it? Well, they don't go in my bin. People got a souvenir. They got a souvenir by having an out of useless noodle. I was surprised no one wanted me to... Useless noodle.

Sign their noodles. I do sign noodles. It's because noodles are becoming the least popular part of this podcast. This is not true. It's dying on the vine. Noodle is dying. The death of noodle. I want to see some hard fucking figures. Noodle death. The death of noodle. I want to see some hard

fucking figures. Noodle death. Before I drop noodles, I want to see some hard figures. Hot noodle death coming. It's not. Noodle death of the universe is not coming.

The black hole of noodles is coming. The event horizon. Just think of some other cosmological terms you can use. You can't. Collapsing red dwarf of noodle exposure.

Heat death of the universe is the concept there, isn't it? Yes. When all noodles have been consumed. Yeah. Noodle apocalypse.

Apocalypse noodle. I don't know either way. Oh, God, Eli. You've got a ceramic skull in your hand. It's a ceramic skull and inside it, Eli, there's a bag of peat.

Not a gentleman called peat. A bag of his sopping gum No It is just Some Soil And then it comes with little seeds Oh shall I do this? I think you should

It's chilli, grow your own chillies You might want to clean the skull out first It's got bits of the packaging Can I have a look? Yeah Was there instructions? Yeah Because it came in a big box

But I didn't want to bring the big box Quite a sturdy Sort of robust looking skull It's a nice porcelain white skull Devilish looking You could use that to put the tiki drink known as a zombie in as well couldn't you you could actually use it as a zombie or a nice coffee it says here this is from a company called pronto seed and it was given to us at the live show uh dead hot chilies the complete grow kit contains everything you need to grow your very own dead hot chilies from seed did you know that the heat of a chili pepper is measured in Scoville heat units?

I did know that. Yeah, the higher the number, the hotter the chilli. And the kit includes one porcelain school planter, one bag of soil, one sachet of red hot chilli seeds. And then it says... There aren't many seeds, Paul. That looks like if you didn't have a good luck, he'd be in trouble. There's like literally, if you count them on two hands,

it's like seven or something. This is a Naga chilli. It's a chilli pepper... Ghost pepper, trouble. There's like, literally, I can count them on two hands. It's like seven or something. This is a naga chilli. It's a chilli pepper. Ghost pepper, yeah. Joloka. Fill the school planter with compost, sow the seeds over the surface, gently press them in one centimetre deep

and then cover them with a little more compost. Give them a gentle watering and cover with a plastic bag to create humidity. Do not overwater. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The soil should be damp to the touch. You won't know what that's like. Why? Why? Because I... I don't know!

I don't know! I was trying to say you've never made a woman wet. I'm not. You're wrong. Simply wrong and I won't have it. It says ideally put it in a warmer environment like a greenhouse for best results. Once seedlings start to appear,

remove the bag and keep the compost moist to the touch. why are you reading this off your fucking phone i'll send you the pictures because i took pictures of the box are we gonna do this together as a project to bring us together bring them to life let's bring the chilies to life and then make something with them we've got to do the sea monkeys as well i keep forgetting we have to bear sea monkeys in the soil and crossbreed them with the chilies and make... You can't cross-breed a brine shrimp. Make chili monkeys. A shrimp trilly. Oh, yeah, we're the new band Chili Monkeys. What kind of music do you play? Prang, prangy, prang, prang, prang.

No, I was asking, what's the genre of music? I didn't want to... It's kind of like a retro Britpop sound. Oh, retro Britpop! Here they are! The spicy monkey shrimp! That's that song song what song is that smoking a cigarette

drinking in the corner doing me thing me mum wants me to come home but I'm not gonna do it cause I'm a rebel to the end and I'm on the dole spicy chilli shrimp there with their new single I'm a rebel to the end and I'm on the dole. Prang, prang, prang, prang. Oh, yeah. Spicy chili shrimp there

with their new single. I'm on the fucking dole, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's from their new album, Spit and Polish. By what are they called? Chili Monkeys.

The Chili Monkeys. That's it. All right. So there you go. I'll send you these pictures, The chili monkeys. That's it. All right. So there you go. I'll send you these pictures, but that's how you grow it. Simples. Oh.

Would you like a little beverage, Eli? You've had a lot of crisps and a lot of stodge. Let's try these fucking evil beverages. Now, I have a question. These are made by the Brewdog people. Brewdog. I watched an expose about them.

Did you? On the BBC, and it was not good. What was the overall gist without going into too much detail? Because I largely don't care. They pretend to be eco-friendly, sort of woke, for want of a better word, business, you know. Okay. And they're not.

Oh, lovely. Well, there you go. So there's that and then... That's going to leave a sour taste in my mouth as we drink these. But as much as I detest their whole... And I hate their whole posy, the whole sort of co-opting of punk for uh for you know an essentially capitalist sort of like outsider art but as broad marketing yeah it's just fake do you know what i mean that's just a fake sort of use of it

uh not that i'm sort of like punk must never be you know sullied i'm not some kind of punk purist but just they're nakedly taking sort of the spirit of rebellion and turning it into a bottom line you know yeah it's kind of sickening isn't it really so as much as i detest them i have to say punk ipa's on a hot day if it's really cold it is quite a delicious beer well there you go anyway what do you think i don't care this is why don't you care about anything i do but i don't care about this one thing amongst other things but right now i don't care about this i've got a question for you. Yes.

These are soft drinks made by BrewDog. Yes. Why do you think BrewDog felt the need to move into the soft drink market, Paul? Probably because they're big enough to try it out and not lose too much money. Do you think it's that, or do you think softs are having a moment?

Well, every few years, the soda world just kind of gets a bug up its ass and tries to try new things. And that's why there was a whole load of a like Coca-Cola went had a breakdown and released like a

thousand flavors just so they could support the idea that there's gonna be less sugar in their drinks going forward yeah really strange ones mango what's mango and apple

or things like that like mango there was cinnamon there's like lime there's none of those were very good no anyway what were good with a Coca-Cola signature sort of posh

ones they were not yeah they weren't actually nice they were good were the Coca-Cola signature, sort of posh ones. They were nice, weren't they? Yeah, they were actually nice. They were fascinating creations. Those were the best thing that came out of that whole event. Yeah. Yeah. So, pop soda.

Planet over profit. You see? Here they're going on about it. It's like, no, mate. Anyway, what do you want to try first? Hazy lemon or jagged grapefruit? Let's try the lemon. The jagged grapefruit I'm more interested in because I personally personally love grapefruit as a drink it's one of my top i think it's one of the most refreshing citruses

because of that bitterness in it i think it can be but at the same time if it's too tart it's off putting oh he's gone straight in oh that is no hang on i'm gonna go for it now it's got a kind of a cloudiness cloudiness of a quote-unquote real lemonade but with the fizzy bubbles hang on yeah toilet cleaner toilet cleaner milk toast it's really weak it's got a sort of bitterness but it is yeah because sometimes they put the bitterness into disguise the fact there's no flavor there's no flavor that excites the taste buds with the bitterness but they haven't even bothered with that so all you're getting is like very weak lemon it's watery tasting at the same time bitter it feels almost

lemony because it does say lemongrass as well oh is that what it is yeah to be specific it is sicilian lemon and lemongrass that is terrible well isn't it going for those is it peregrino what's the what's the tins with the foil on the top san pellegrino yeah because they have a similar kind of like remit no sicilian, Sicilian lemons have a certain flavour, which is very tart. And then you've got all those sort of Italian chinotto, which are these sort of special, very bitter oranges that they use.

Yeah. But that is underpowered. In my view, that is very underpowered. It hasn't got a good fizz that lasts and it's watery and bitter and just very bad. That's bad, isn't it? Yeah. Underwhelming is what I would call it.

Is it just me? It's like no one was... Now, this already has much more scent, to be specific. Pink grapefruit and blood orange. Both flavours I really like. Oh, it's a nice deep kind of red. Greg on How To Drink said that blood oranges taste just like oranges, but they're just a different colour.

That's wrong. Well, he's been wrong about a few things. He's often open about it. Yeah, but blood orange do have a distinct flavour. I think so. Because otherwise, when you have blood orange flavoured drinks, you notice that difference.

The colour's better of this. Again, a kind of cloudy red. On the pinker side of red, isn't it? There's a grapefruit on the nose. A cherry colour. It's a cherryade colour, yeah. There's a grapefruit on the nose, definitely. There's definitely more there.

I'm not getting... What else is there supposed to be? Blood orange yeah. There's a grapefruit on the nose, definitely. There's definitely more there. I'm not getting... What else is there supposed to be? Blood orange, grapefruit, pink grapefruit. Actually, I'm getting both of those on the nose. Exactly the same taste. Almost. It tastes almost exactly the same, doesn't it? Weird.

I mean, okay, for honesty's sake, these aren't chilled. Maybe that will improve things with some ice, but I doubt it because I think the ice will just dilute it further. they just playing it too safe trying to be really inoffensive i mean it's not that it's kind of got that under sweetened thing of sort of a craft you know more artisanal sodas go for the less sweet uh approach they also have flavor they also have flavor and this doesn't you know what i'm thinking of and think of those lemon aid you have you seen those bottles those stubby lemon they delicious less sweet than this even but their passion fruit is really lovely it's a dry but it still is sort of soda and it

retains the fizz the fizz is is terrible with this and this is this feels more like a flavored fizzy water than it does a soda absolutely yeah absolutely right it's it's not the worst thing in the world but no it's not quite relieved that that is just pretty shit right. It's not the worst thing in the world. No, it's not horrible. I'm quite relieved that that is just pretty shit, really. Mundane. It's not going to win any fucking soft drink industry awards, is it? No, not this year at the poppies. No, you laugh, but I bet they exist.

I bet there is. Yeah, I bet there is one. Oh, well, there you go. Right, so we're going to move on to the final bit for this segment. Very bad. What have you got in there? More crisps. Let me read the letter. for this segment. Very bad. What have you got in there? More crisps? Let me read the letter.

Oh, I forgot about this. Right. Dear Eli and Paul, long time fan of the show. This was given to us at the live show from Kurt. I've been a long time fan of the show since episode 50.

I've been looking forward to 300 for the past few months and just to let you know that you will smash it and put on a great performance. Spoilers, we fucking did. I'm hastily writing this note

about 20 minutes before I need to leave for the Harrow Arts Centre, so please go easy on my prose, Eli. So far, so good. So far. No mucking about

with fancy words and stuff. No, it's nothing so far on what to comment on. I'll tell you what, though. This letter did inspire my brain to go to a place it hasn't been to in years, and we'll get to it in a minute.

So whilst Brian was... Where was that place, Paul? Was it a place called Eloquency or that place, Paul? Was it a place called Eloquency or Clarity of Thought? Was it that place? Do you ever go back to being a thin person?

Oh my God! He's trying to punch me where it hurts just because I said you can't fucking think properly. Don't immediately... Fat shaming. And Paul,

that's not going to fucking fly with us on this pod anymore. Okay? It's not. You can't. Not off Porkster. Right, here we go.

Porkster? I need to do it to wind you up. Anyway, he was going through a local supermarket and stumbled upon this product,

which I thought you would both like. I think we might have done these. He was, which we both would like. Yeah, I think we might have done these already. But anyway,

I've enclosed a pack of Samyang hot chicken flavoured zldlduk snacks. I don't think we have. That's right, a noodle crossover with crisps and snacks. I have no idea what the Korean text translates to, but having tried a few packs myself and found them rather delightful, thought you might enjoy trying them out. I've also included a few badges that I picked up on my travels with work.

A little tongue-in-cheek, and I think you'll appreciate them, Paul. Now, they are button badges and not enamel, so I don't really care. I like button badges. But I remember in school, I forgot about this, but when I passed certain levels of math in class, I got little button badges that had a number on it. It was different colours for different levels of... Was it reading or was it...

Was it maths or reading? But I used to get little badges for every tier that you went up. Did you remember anything like that? But you used to get little badges for every tier that you went up. And look, did you remember anything like that? But they like that. Math matters for me. And numeracy for life. Four, as in the number four. But I just think that's level four.

I'll wear one of those. Yeah. I like the numeracy for life one. Can I have that one? You can have them both. Yeah, that's fine. As I say, I'm not a big fan. So thank you, Kurt.

Thanks very much, Kurt. I'm going to open these crisps very quickly. Oh, I'm going to be careful because they're tightly slew. Are they crisps? I might have to tear. Well, I think they're fried noodles. Yeah, they're just noodles, aren't they? They're just dry noodles.

Right, here we go. Oh, cheeky. This is two times hot or just normal hot? It doesn't say. It just says hot chicken. All right, so they're normal hot, probably. They've got so many products, Samyang. Yeah.

Here we go. I'm taking a few out. Even a lot of non-food products. I'm sure I saw shampoo, like chicken ramen-flavoured shampoo. Right, I'm going to taste these. These are like little penne, little tube spaghetti shape. Ooh. Very sweet.

Crunchy. Not much going on there. Very sweet. Crunchy. Not much going on there. Just sweet and then spicy. And you can tell that the spice would build up the more you ate. They're quite nice. I did put a lot in my mouth

and the heat did build up, Eli. Did it? Oh, God. Yeah, they are a bit too sweet in that caramelised way. Yeah. But they are nice. I don't know if I could finish

a pack of those in a sitting. That's another... That's a loitering pack of snacks. Yeah. If I was hungry, I would give them another go. But they're not. I don't know if I could finish a pack of those in a sitting. That's another, that's a loitering pack of snacks. Yeah. If I was hungry, I would give them another go, but they're not, I'm sorry, they're just not jumping out to me. Oh, I don't know. I think I might have done it.

I've returned a couple of times already. Yeah, exactly. I like the spiciness. Yeah, it leaves a nice little warm tingle, not off-puttingly hot, just hot enough to give you a go, ooh. Yeah. And now, closing out their new segment, it is Chilli Monkeys with another song off their new album, Spit and Polish. Prang, prang, pring, prang, prang, pring, prang, pring, prang, pring, pring, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, prang, I wanna go home now The football's on but I can't go home Cause I'm stuck in the queue for the doll I like cigarettes and me anti-par man

I like going down south To Nutter Cockney in his gob And punching me in the mouth Oh yeah now Oh yeah now We've got a more bigger production on this album So we're putting in loads of horns we're going to sound like the Beatles

you get the gist with that gag shall we close this segment up I was going to do like a teen yeti guest vocal oh yeah I've come round to oh mate that was good, that Oh, try again

Take it from the top, please, George You're not real I'm Sasquatch, I'm doing the mixing I'm in the mixing room, aren't I? Thanks, Sas, you're all I do for me Yeah, you know, I've got you covered, mate I've got the decks You're always there for me

In the back room Just take it from the top Take it from the chorus, please, Chilly Oh yeah, alright, man, let's go Oh yeah, baby Bring a jing-jing. Bring jing-jing. Bring a jing-jing.

You drive me crazy. A jing-jing. Now bring it on, Yeti, home. Oh, it's Team Yeti in the house, and I'd just like to say the Chilly Monkeys made me have to pay to come up here in a motherfucking bus, and I can't do that

because I've got all the parts coming out my wing kid coming out the hole all my little pieces of snail all over bring bring bring bring bring bring

yeah alright we'll take it we had another in the camera sorry I just found it hilarious I find myself hilarious keep that laugh in

it's very natural alright it's very familiar is that ok yeah I know I like that I was slightly edgy saying that you made me pay

alright Barry we'll have to keep that take, Barry. Thank you. Oh. I can't believe it. Oh. Where's Paul and Eli gone? And this is the wrap-up.

This is the part of the show where we tell you to, I don't know, email us thecheapshow at gmail.com if you want to, or follow us on Twitter if you want to, at thecheapshowpod gmail.com if you want to, or follow us on Twitter if you want to, at thecheapshowpod, at paulgannonshow, or Eli is... I'm Eli Snoyd, and you spell that E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Paul, just to say... Yes. If you want to, you sound like fucking Billy.

Just trying to chill it. Because we want to. Because we want to. Why do you have to hang around in crowds? Because we want to. Because we want to. And why do you have to play your music loud? Because we want to. because we want to and why do you have to play your music now because we want to because we want to no you carry on oh thank you but basically

not don't follow us if we want to try it if you don't want to how about that that's a good message for people even if you don't want to try it anyway suck it in c's they say c send us an email even if you have no desire to. However, if you want a one-stop shop for everything, which is linked to Merch Pages, Events Magazine,

which the new one is from fucking Tastic, by the way. I haven't seen that. The number 73-inspired 80s edition. Can't I see that? You've got a copy of it.

You should have gotten one. I gave you one at the live show. Have you got one? Yeah, I've got one. Will you lend it to me, please? Yeah, I'll let you lend it. Next week, can you bring it over?

All right. Honestly, Paul, please. Very good. You can go to the link to week, can you bring it over? All right. Honestly, Paul, please. Very good. You can go to the link to buy a physical copy of that, and you should. It's a great magazine. Lots of hard work put in. Lots of talented people contribute to it as well.

What else? No, the big one is Patreon. The big supporters who enjoy the show, who see the extra stuff, they're all patrons. You can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give what you can, but as we like to say,

only if you can. Only if you can, and as we like to say, only if you can. Only if you can. And there's a whole lost episode up there at the moment. Yes, the abandoned episode. But we will be doing another podcast soon and a video for the top tier people. So there's lots to come. Oh, is that video going to be the crisp omelette? I think we should do that for that one.

The cromlet. Yeah, the cromlet. Or the omelisp. Omelisp. Yeah, we should do the omelisp. The cromlet and the omelisp went to sea in a pea green boat. An omelisk came back. The early one came back.

I am the omelisk. I have been to the end of time, and it sounded like the wank noise of your mouth. The omelisk light beholds the wank noise of the Paul's mouth. The Paul's... It's really going for it, everyone. That is the sound of time and I am the Omelisp.

Point. I'm going to have a stroke now. Don't have a stroke. Please don't have a stroke. It's a very serious thing. Do you feel like you're having a stroke? Mate, I always feel like having a stroke. Oh, you feel like having a stroke.

Yeah. And on that delightful note, we wish you goodbye. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye. See you next week. See you, everybody. No, you hang up.

I'm not hanging up. You hang up. You're the only one who can hang up. I can press the stop button. Well, just press it then. I'm pressing it now. you