CheapShow - Ep 296: It Ain't Half Hot, Son!

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

In what was meant to be an easy-going, laid-back episode of CheapShow, the show not only goes off the rails halfway in but spends a good chunk of the remaining runtime feeling terribly ill! It’s a packed show this week as Paul and Eli take on a whole host of topics. They angrily debate the “expert opinion” of a Top 10 best Walkers Crisps flavours list. Eli gets over-excited at the discovery of a lost bit of Tiswas merchandise and Paul wants to reboot the show with a Wild West theme. All of this is overshadowed by a very special Sauce Report segment that is special for ALL the wrong reasons. In fact, it may be the most traumatic Sauce Report they’ve ever suffered through. Imagine that?! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-296-it-ain-t-half-hot-son And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! www.cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urin…-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Art Work: www.instagram.com/spunk__rock www.redbubble.com/people/spunkrock/shop www.etsy.com/uk/shop/spunkrock

I would like to start this episode with an apology, Eli, to you directly. Oh, that's a change. I, a little while ago, relieved myself of my tummy toffee into your bathroom. I wasn't going to bring it up. And I can only, in the common parlance, say I wrecked your bog. Mate, it was a fucking solid, thick, visceral fog. Mate, I was looking... It smelled like an open sewer. I was looking out to see if anyone was doing any drainage work on the road.

Mate, it's not good. And when I looked into the bowl after my passing of solid, it looked like someone had thrown a bowl of Angel Delight down there. Like, chalkied Angel Delight. So I had to give it a proper other kind of push down with some toilet roll to get it all off the edge. Anyway, and then the stink was really bad. And I had to give it three flushes to really kill the beast.

Oh, it was a proper chod hopper. It was a proper fucking like... Chunky mongers. It was a battle of the mammoth beasts. You know? It really smelled... I mean, I didn't even want to go there. Because that way madness lies if I was really gonna try and fucking you know yeah appreciate

that smell for what it was which is and you know when you sit in your own filth and you don't really know how bad it is for other people because you just go oh get your dinner out of that but then other people walk by and you think i've made a horrible social faux pas well look we've known each other a long time paul i don't think any... Everyone poos. Everybody shits. Sometimes. And sometimes people do a whole, you know, what I call it, an apartment clearer. Do you think the Queen

ever comes out the toilet and goes, I'd give it five minutes. I fucking wrecked it. No, but I think she probably does some smelly ones. I reckon her shits are real greasy.

She doesn't eat garlic and I think that must lead to an imbalance in her sort of bowel. Yeah, but you know what she likes instead of garlic? Licorice. Does she like licorice? She know what she likes instead of garlic? Licorice.

Does she like licorice? She loves licorice, the Queen. Licorice torpedoes? Licorice torpedoes. Paul. Anyway, I just want to apologise for basically leaving such foul evil in your toilet and I want you to know I actually care. Okay, thanks for bringing that up, Paul.

Thank you. I feel better. I feel like a weight's been lifted from my belly. It certainly has. Yeah. About a three pound weight of pure evil. Yeah. It was like the evil at the end of Time Bandits.

Yeah, just that honking, grisly block of black nastiness. I have my own admission. Yeah. There was a character who turned up last week at the beginning. Yeah. He's gone missing. Who? Who was that?

We pointed him towards, it was Andy McCullough. I pointed him towards the copy club room McCullough. I pointed him towards the copy club room. Yeah. The copy character club room. He didn't turn up. He's disappeared and this isn't the first time

this has happened, Paul. Are you dropping some plot stuff? Because I don't know, we haven't talked about this. I'm not, I'm not making this up. You're dropping plot and I'm dropping plots.

That's what we're doing in this cold open. Oh, fucking, press the button then. You've got your fucking line. Yeah, welcome to G-Show. That's what we're doing this cold open. Oh, fucking, press the button then. You've got your fucking line. Yeah, welcome to Cheap Show. That's a very poor line. Very poor line.

Welcome to the podcast. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Puerh, that's a type of tea Puerh? Yes Is it? Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Puerh, that's a type of tea. Puerh? Yes. Is it?

It comes in cakes, hard cakes. It's a type of fermented... Fully that, because that was a bit of a hard cake that I dropped. Did it have a proper density? It did feel like... Or was it foamy? No. When you say angel delight, I'm thinking quite what I like to call an ecstasy shit. It had a certain kind of...

When you're coming up on ecstasy, all the drug fucking admissions are coming out aren't they these days all from you though just well i've done more drugs than you you have just before this recording in fact sometimes when you drop an ecstasy tablet paul yeah you really get the need and it's very very foamy it's like a big angel delight bouncy castle it was very aerated put it that way. It looked like someone had punched a pot of aero... An aero pot. Aero moose. Yeah. That is very much like an ecstasy shit.

Well, hello, welcome to The Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain to bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. And we've been sport rotten lately with the things we were given in the P.O. box and at the live show and a few little trinkets that we find amongst the trash. And we've been spot-rotten lately with the things we were given in the PO box and at the live show and a few little trinkets that we've picked up ourselves. So let's get straight into it. I do have one thing I want to bring up right away.

Because I do think this is important. I do think this is important. Okay. Bloody tweet the other day. Leicester Live did a top flavours of Walker crisps. Is he working for Walkers? Is this some kind of marketing, hidden marketing campaign?

No, the reason why... Sounds to me like it is. No, the reason... I'll tell you! I'll tell you why. Because Walker's was made in Leicester. It was founded in the town of Leicester, so Leicester Live are doing a...

Oh. ...story about Walker's crisps and things like that. Paul, I thought you meant someone called Leicester Live. Oh, I know. That's the kind of mentality I'm in with this.

Hello, I am Lester Live. Oh, do you like crisps? I love crisps. My favourite flavour is egg. Egg crisps are great. I've demolished salted egg. Lester Live recommends egg crisps. I demolished that salted eggs. I like those salted egg crisps, man.

Would you like to come back to the back of my van for egg crisps? I saw... Would you? Why? Oh! Would you like to come into my van and eat crisps with me? No. Leicester Live.

Why have you got all those balloons? That's for a party I'm organising later. Are you inviting me to the party? No, it's just ambience in the back of my van. I thought we were going to talk about crisps. I mean, we could do both. Fuck off, Leicester Live. Oh, I've got to go to that room now.

Yeah, get some coffee. I've got to get some coffee. Knock on the door. They'll be happy to see you. Okay, bye then. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Forever. Bye forever. We say that. They're be happy to see you. Okay, bye then. Bye. Bye. Bye. It was nice, wasn't it? Forever. Bye forever. We say that. They're processing character meat in there now. I'm sure. They've got big grinders. Some people arrived with grinders.

What, like drug grinders? There was a big van. It said Marjorie Craddock's Machines on the side. Yeah. And these workmen come out with these big... I'm like, what's that? It's like a human flesh grinder. I'm getting seriously overwhelmed.

And they went in the CCC room. I'm getting, what's that? He's like a human flesh grinder. I'm getting seriously overwhelmed. And they went in the CCC room. I'm getting overwhelmed by this. We've got characters, knockoff characters, tertiary characters, reboot characters. One-shot characters. One-shots. Arthur Point. We don't know what's happening with him.

We don't know what's happened to him. Foreshadowing. He'll be involved in this. He's coming back. Down the line. Right. So let me get through this. So, yeah, it was founded in 1948 by a butcher called Henry Walker.

Did you know this? We haven't even talked about this, have we? Walker's was founded by a butcher. Yeah. And as rationing continued, it took 42 years for the brand to become the leading crisp supplier in the UK. The first flavor was obviously salt. You had to add a little salt packet in. That's not a fucking flavor.

That's like... For threepence, it cost in 1948. But then, due to science, the first actual flavour they made, what do you think it was? What do you think was the actual first flavour? It always was of the belief that it was salt and vinegar. The answer is cheese and onion in 1954. And then since then...

Cheese and onion predates salt and vinegar. Doesn't it just? Certainly with Walker's history. This is weird, tearing down the walls of conformity here now. Maybe other chip manufacturers created salt and vinegar? Doesn't it just? Certainly with Walker's history. This is weird tearing down the walls of conformity here now. Maybe other chip manufacturers created salt and vinegar first, but Walker's did cheesy onions. No, Walker's were their first there.

It's very interesting this, because I always think of cheese and onion as being just below in a sort of conceptual hierarchy. It's the Return of the Jedi of the crisp trilogy of flavours, isn't it? It certainly is. Ready salted Star Wars, salt and vinegar as the empire strikes back cheese and onion is return of the jedi right it is yeah it is that's a great analogy this podcast is over i've peaked that's it you've peaked with your star wars so do you want me to read out what their experts their leicester live

experts which i want to say they haven't fucking named they just said we've asked a bunch of experts what they think the top crisps are. So number nine is ready salted. Right at the bottom. They complain about the fact that it's inoffensive. Shut up, Leicester Live. But it's a 74-year-old flavour. It's standard.

I don't even think that counts as a flavour. I honestly don't, Paul. Because what are you saying? What is the zeroth dimension of crisp flavour? Is that just potato flavour? Potato. Is that basically a salt and shake without having put the shake on?

Without the little blue packet, yeah. Is that the pure, is that the unflavoured crisp? Mate, if you're angry now, wait until we start getting through these. I'm going to get so angry. Because at number eight, second from the bottom,

is salt and vinegar. That's stupid. Who voted in this? 1967 was the first salt and vinegar Walker's crisp stupid. Who voted in this? 1967 was the first salt and vinegar Walker's Crisp. Right, but was that the first ever time?

We can't say. Sorry, sorry. Why are you laughing at my sneezing? It was just funny the way you were just straight into it. No messing about.

But yeah, they detest its sharpness. Who's less than life? Who are these fucking people? Mate, I don't know. They haven't named these experts. This is what I'm angry. They should have asked us. Oh, they said experts, did they?

Quote, unquote. The thing is, if you say experts, name them. List them. Tell us who those people are. Don't just say experts. Because who's that? Your nan? Citation needed for this whole fucking list

number seven on the list tomato ketchup i'd put that higher probably i love those no but i would say they're too tart and sweet you don't like tomato ketchup flavored crisps no they're more popular this ketchup in germany italy japan and denmark than the uk it's much more established flavor of crisp and some people find them too vinegary, which I actually agree with. Is that what you agree with? I love them. For me, they're the sort of perfect expression

of what prawn cocktail is. They're more common with that, aren't they? If you think about it, because prawn cocktail in the real world is prawn with rosemary sauce, which is mayonnaise and ketchup, right? Yes. So there is a ketchup note in prawn cocktail.

Yes. And so to me, a ketchup-flavoured crisp is just a much purer expression, a more successful expression, because they're not trying to recreate the taste of prawn. You know what I mean? Which isn't a real taste. I think we'll get to that in a minute,

but right now they're saying that Walkers only did ketchup in 2001 when they collaborated with Heinz as a kind of... I loved those crisps. I would fucking get three packets if I saw them in the shops. collaborated with Heinz as a kind of... I love those crisps. I would fucking get three packets if I saw them in the shops. I wouldn't rate it a number seven. I fucking loved them. I wouldn't put it above salt and vinegar. No, neither would I.

Number six. This is where the list goes into fucking Edgelord... Edlord... Edlordge? Edge... Why can't I say Egglords? Egglord! Egglords!

Egglords! That's what you are! Bum Egglords! I am the Egg lords. Egg lords. Egg lords. That's what you are. Bum egg lords. I am the bum egg lord. You certainly are. It was a Choffney Destroyer. Right. Okay, so this is bullshit.

But number six is Cajun Squirrel Flavour. Which was what? A one-shot sort of stupid novelty. It was part of a Do Us A Flavour campaign in 2008 and came up with by 26 year old marketing executive Martin Wright. I remember that and I remember tasting it and it was just bullshit. Just tasted a paprika. There's a website in 2009

that said it had the lovely aroma of paprika and Mexican spices when I opened the packet and the crisps themselves reminded me of chicken fajitas with a gentle lemon aftertaste. Yeah. They weren't decent probably but just essentially it's a paprika flavoured crisp. Do you know what I mean?

You just put squirrel in. Listen, I remember, Paul, in my fucking childhood, hedgehog flavoured crisps. Yeah. Do you remember those? I love those.

They were gravy, basically gravy flavoured crisps. I had a friend in university whose mother dated or had a liaison with the man who invented hedgehog flavoured crisps. Why?

Where did they go? There's a space in my heart and probably in the in the british consumers pocket for uh hedgehog flavoured crisp to come back i think it's why haven't they come back as a sort of you know heritage nostalgia driven in the same way whisper did for example or you know i'm sure there are other examples maybe one day they will but to me's like saying, here's a packet of crisps based on the flavour of pigeon or fox. It's kind of like, no one really eats hedgehog. No, but that was the whole point, wasn't it? I mean, it was a sort of fantasy flavour.

Perhaps with the rise of veganism, it's just not sort of... I just think people look at it and go... It's not PC, do you know what I'm saying? Oh, what a lovely little hedgehog. I don't want to eat him. Yeah, and at the time, it was sort of like, naughty boys eat hedgehog flavoured crisps, because we eat disgusting.

Was it working on that kind of thing? I guess. Okay, he's in, hedgehog, do you know what flavour my fucking crisps are? Rat, dead rat flavour, like that kind of. I'll tell you what I like, a fucking roadkill flavour. You know what I mean? It's like that, roadkill, squashed octopus.

Oh, mate, have you tried those new prolapsed rectum Badger fucking crisps Yeah exactly You know what I'm getting at You can really taste The fucking arse gland Was it part of that Sort of transgressional

Sort of naughty boy Sort of culture We can look into it At a later date I would like to do A deep dive on Hedgehog flavoured crisps Fine

Five is Prawn cocktail Yeah I mean It's a solid flavour I would probably say Like I said before When you want a pure expression Of what prawn cocktail's going for, go for a ketchup flavoured crisp.

And the Germans, obviously, they're ahead of us in a lot of cultural areas. Yes, they are. And so are the Swedes or whatever. But they've discovered this. They don't mess with prawn cocktail flavoured crisps, do they? Do you know where prawn cocktail comes from? Apparently, according to this story. Germany.

No. TV chef Fanny Craddock in the 60s. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's the classic 70s dinner party staple, isn't it? Yeah. Basically, bunch of mayo, bunch of fucking... Half-thawed out prawns wrapped around a fucking, I don't know, mousse glass. Yeah, put in a mousse glass.

They would put ice with it, wouldn't they? They'd put ice. You know, it was really gross if the ice started to melt and sort of mingle with the... The whole fucking thing is disgusting. I enjoy a well-constructed prawn cocktail in real life. Right. They sometimes say it's called the Misfit Crisp because it usually only appears in multi-packs these days. Shut up.

And it's a mixture of tomato, ketchup, cayenne pepper and Worcestershire sauce. Worcestershire sauce. Night number four. Toasted cheese. That's not a crisp flavour that I've ever come across. Apparently they ran it in the 80s for a while. They fuck you, did they? Why am I just hearing about this now?

I don't know. Because I had that whole fucking controversy when I said on fucking Digitiser that you don't get cheese-flavoured crisps. Toasted cheese. Toasted cheese. I said you don't get cheese-flavoured crisps and then everyone berated me about it. Do you remember?

But this is an 80s snack, so people who are voting on this are based on a flavour that they half remember from 30 years ago. That, that's never come up.

They just, someone just lied and they haven't talked to anyone. All they've done is created a clickbait thing for dickheads like us to click on and rave about.

Fucking try and fucking, yeah. Number three, smoky bacon. The ultimate repeater of all time for me. Yeah. Anything I'm going through, it repeats.

There it is. It was originally in a vegetarian snack, but in 2013 Walker said, ah, we've put pork in it now. Did they? That's what they said here. They announced it would now include pork product in the packets from 2013. Oh, but then reversed it three years later. Twat. Number two, American

Cheeseburger flavour. I remember that vaguely. It wasn't very good. We tried that. 2010. We tried some of those, didn't we? No, American cheeseburger flavour. I remember that vaguely. It wasn't very good. We tried that. We tried some of those, didn't we? No, because this is 2010. We weren't a podcast then. We have eaten some cheese flavoured crisps.

Bobby's did a cheeseburger one. I'm sure. They were. Because there was one that had a little taste of pickle to it, wasn't it? No, that wasn't Bobby's. No, it wasn't Bobby's. I think that might have been an American crisp. So they're saying it was relaunched in 2010 alongside the FIFA World Cup,

because I believe that was in USA, wasn't it, that year? I recall, yes. And then number one. Cheese and Onion. Yeah, C-H-E-E-S-E-A-N-D-O-N-I-O-N, Cheese and Onion. That is a reference to the Rutles with their song Cheese and Onion. I know that.

You didn't. You didn't because I did know that. You are a music clod. Do you know, but do you know that when Mc... 1954.

Do you know what that's a reference to? Yeah. It's because what other food-based lyric was used in a Beatles song that they're kind of referring to before McCartney changed the lyrics? Do you know?

Scrambled Eggs. Scrambled Eggs, which was yesterday. Scrambled Eggs. Everyone knows that story. Everyone knows that story. I'm just saying, in the Rutles, it's kind of a reference to that, to Cheese and Onion. Do you see what I mean?

No, it's not, because otherwise it would be a pastiche of yesterday, and it's not. It's a day in the life it's actually doing a thing on. Cheese and Onion. Yeah. Ding's a day in the life it's actually doing a thing on. Cheese and onion. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, and they do that really weird flat note right at the end. Bomb.

Yeah. That one at the end. So there you go. That's the top list of Walker's crisps. Fucking bullshit. Why can't people just be down to earth and fucking accept reality of the world of crisps, yeah? I've got a few points to make, Paul.

Make them quick, because I'm bored now. It took 42 years because walkers were the underdogs weren't they right up until the late 80s that's when the shift

they overtook golden wonder and then golden wonder fucking disappeared when Isaac Hicks and Smiths as well they've all been absorbed

into the walkers lays fucking it's Frito Lay isn't it Disney, Hasbro everyone will be owned by one company

in the future nightmare escape I mean are they still manufactured in Britain of course they are crisps are yeah isn't it? Disney, Hasbro, everyone will be owned by one company in the future. Yeah. Nightmare Escape. I mean, are they still manufactured in Britain? Of course they are. Our crisps are, yeah. Yeah.

We don't want no Johnny Foreigner crisps coming over here and taking our hedgehog crisps. So, I tried an unusual crisp that someone brought back from the Netherlands for me.

And it was? Mayonnaise and chip flavoured crisps. As in chippy chip chips. Yeah. Isn't that weird? So, it's actually sort of chip flavoured. Chippy chip flavoured crisps. As in chippy chip chips? Yeah. Isn't that weird? So it's actually sort of chip flavoured. Chippy chip flavoured with mayo dippings.

And was it successful? It was very nice, actually. But did it taste of chippy chips? Yes. It had a very strong sort of potato note. And then a sort of... You think it had a really strong potato note? Even though it's potato? Well, this is what I'm trying to say.

It's a strange double potato thing. More potato than potato? Yeah. I can't fathom. They're great? Yeah. I can't fathom. They're great crisps. I can't fathom. Eli, what is more potato than potato? But potato.

A crisp with potato flavouring added. That's what's more potato than potato. But I was very impressed with the subtle mayonnaise flavour. Is there potato flavoured potato crisps? No. They have to be... Potato flavoured potato crisps? Eli, what? have to be potato flavoured potato crisps? Eli.

What go on? I don't know. You seem to have lost your ability to speak English as a first language. I'm having a moment of existential qualms.

Right. The mayonnaise note though was very nice because you know there's a very small amount of mustard in mayonnaise. Yes.

That was coming through on these crisps. Coming through loud and clear. I mean, you know, there's a very small amount of mustard in mayonnaise. Yes. That was coming through on these crisps. Coming through loud and clear. I mean, not loud, quiet and clear. Like a ting on a frosty night. Ting on a frosty night. Do you know what it's time for, Paul? We need to maybe just drop the League of Snacks and just make a crisp roundup.

Crisp roundup section. A crisp roundup. We have to, well, we have to, well, we have to look at what, all that material. Our crisp logistics, our crisp doctrine is completely,

it's just become, it's nothing. I can't even get in there. It's the league. No. I was banging on the door. No, that temple collapsed. It collapsed.

That entrance collapsed. We can't get back in there. All below us in the podcast, it's all collapsed. It's all collapsed. It's weak foundations. It's like the burning of the library of Alexandria. Yeah.

We've lost all of that information. There's only one way we can fix this, and that's just to ignore everything we've done in the past and start from scratch. We need to start from scratch. And reboot it. We need to reboot the League of Snackers. So is it going to be a snack roundup or crisp roundup?

I think it should be snack roundup. And it's got a rodeo theme. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Woo! Oh, get those snacks, boy! Is it going to be a snack roundup or crisp roundup? I think it should be snack roundup. And it's got a rodeo theme. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Woo-hoo! Oh, get those snacks, boy! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, I've got the soft toughness on the back of this horse, boy!

I don't know what you've got that in for. Oh, look at those snacks going down the load! Whee! Hey, you got... Why, you're the prettiest little snack I ever did see around here, boy. Why don't you come sit on my light, pretty snack? When I get my teeth into the crispy coating on those there peanuts. All the crispy coating in there peanuts. My name's Billy the Chip, and I've come looking for the finest crisps in town. Well, you're out

of luck, will it a chip, because I'm old fungus nose. No, you couldn't think of anything, could you? You couldn't think of a cowboy from the past. All I can think of is fungus nose. Yeah, but that's not even a... He could be quite a good baddie, though, couldn't he? Oh, I'm evil fungus

nose. This is already 20 minutes and I think we've really maxed out What we can do with this segment But we're all going to put a pin in it Don't let fungus McGee go Fungus McGee owns nothing I'm fungus McGee and I I'm Billy the Chip

And I own the snacks round here, Billy You know that I'm the fastest snack eater in the West Hop, dop, dop, dop, just like that Oh, darn, you've eaten all fungus's crisp I do declare no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, old fungus mcgee will have to leave town again come on old handsome you take that snack and buy the packet open it up don't make a racket put it in your fingers pull out a chip stick it up your ass or slide it in your dick come on eat your crisp oh fungus my nose looks like a fungus yeah no there we go that's it all over is that it that's it you dropped your pants and did a

shit on this segment just now. No, I didn't. You did a little dirty instant. A little dirty instant. And I'm going to have to stop this now. You've ruined this because of your dirty bum mouth. Because of my dirty bum mouth, I've ruined this? Little, little, little, little showdown.

This just coming through on the Source Report, Paul. Welcome to the Sauce Rodeo. Oh, no. No, your new snack segment will not intrude. Oh, get your horse and drink it down. Make sure it's hot, don't make a sound. Get a sweat on. Can we get these cowboys out of the Source Report studio, please? Woo-wee.

Woo-wee. Get out. sweat on. Can we get these cowboys out of the source report studio please? Woo wee! Woo wee! Woo wee! Get out! We're causing a fuss and a feuding boy! Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding saucy hold on

I wish Billy the Chip would stop interrupting the source report. He's a bloody outlaw isn't he? He's the fastest snack eater in the west. He's ruining this

segment for me. He's quick on the draw. And if he's not careful Paul, I'll send him to the CCC room ruining this segment for me and if he's not careful paul yeah i'll send him to the ccc room i'm taking it i'll go and shoot him boy oh he's back is he hello everyone and welcome to the source report this is the segment of the show where you like i want to apologize for besmirching the source report i'll let you do it okay can i tone thank you welcome to the source reports he's giving me a fucking sad boy face now right hello welcome to the source reports where we taste and assess and analyze sources and as we all know sauce is the

butter of life stop with the western stuff i'm gonna going to call Fungus McGee back in here. I want sauce. Right. I want sauce. Now, two sauces on the agenda, Paul. I'm listening in all this. You trying to... We've got two sauces on the agenda today.

I want to reboot all of Cheap Show to be a Western theme. No, we can't. Like I did to number 73. I want the last few years of this podcast to be all based in a saloon. It's not... The old Cheap Show to be a western theme no we can't like we did to number 73 I want the last few years of this podcast to be all based in a saloon it's not the old Cheap Show saloon

woo wee pew pew pew there's Sticky Vicky doing her bro let's get it she could yeah

she could translate didn't she any other characters I can't be arsed yes Paul it's not a good idea for anything in it's final season

it'd be like Deadwood I'm sorry have you never seen Deadwood it's not a good idea for anything in its final season. It'd be like Deadwood. I'm sorry. Have you never seen Deadwood? It's called Swear Machine. As in like, put 10p in and it says fuck. Yeah. Like Swear Machine. Yeah, that's it.

That's exactly what it is. Oh. Lovejoy plays an automaton that swears when you put a nickel in its slot. Is that what that was about? Yeah, it's definitely about that. I was putting some spare change into my Godzilla money box. It's got a big load of different sound effect cues

it does. Does it? I thought they only had two. No, it's got like six or seven. And then there's one where it plays like a good minute and a half of like theme music.

Someone did send a link on Twitter about where that's been sampled and it's like some Jay-Z type thing, you know what I mean? Right. Which makes sense.

It's a good soundtrack. It's a really effective piece of music. Ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding, ding. It's a nice thing, and thanks again to whoever gave it to us. Ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding, ding, sauce. Now, the first sauce we're going to look at, Paul. Hooey, I can't wait. Has been on my shelf for a number of years.

I'm Wild Bill Hot Sauce. I bought this. I'm here Bill Hot Sauce. I bought this. And I'm here to have the hottest, tattest sauces in the land. Hooey. I wish these cowboys would clear out. I honestly do. Listener, it's a cowboy flavoured episode today because I says so. Oh, God.

Can we just... I'm going to get Fungus McGee back in because he causes trouble on his old horse Hanson. I've got Billy the Chip. Billy the Crisp actually sounds better. Rebo got Billy the Chip. Billy the Crisp actually sounds better. Reboot Billy the Crisp. Billy the Crisp. I've got Wild Bill Hot Sauce and third one. Now, this is Fire Fruit's Hot Never Tasted So Good

Artisanal Hot Sauce Lime Cilantro Habanero. Heat level high. I bought this about seven years ago in Florida. So I'm going to imagine it's not edible it will be you know you bought that then before we started this podcast

yes this dates from I've just it's mint on cardboard I've just broken the seal this has not been opened or messed with in any way there's been no opportunity

for the air to get to it air must have gotten into it though you don't have to taste a lot but I want you to taste something I'll taste it because what I'd really like to do is more hot brown dabbing of your toilet before I leave. Now, yes, it's made in Florida.

I wonder if this brand is even around anymore. Possibly not. Because they're very much short-lived enterprises a lot of the time. They're like pop-up stores, aren't they? They kind of pop up, do their thing, and then fuck off. Sauces do, yeah. Do you think the bottom dropped out? This is designed for cooking, grilling, and dripping.

I think my fucking bottom dropped out before. Do you want to know what the recommended food is for this? Grate on. What do you think is listed first? You can't grate on sauce. It doesn't grate like cheese. No, it's great as in this is great. I feel great.

You can't grate upon anything. What are you going to do unless it's that chunky? I'm going to grate sauce. I'm not going to try and grate this sauce. You could. It would be a drizzle. It would be like a grater-aided drizzle. Yeah, like a kind of sprink to grate sauce. I'm not going to try and grate this sauce. You could. It would be a drizzle. It would be like a grater-aided drizzle. Yeah, like a kind of sprinkler of sauce.

I could sprinkle it all on a grater. Would you put a sprinkler in, in the grass, with a pipe to a sauce pot? You'd lose a lot of sauce that way. Spray it up into the garden there. Grate on wings, steaks, tacos, sausages, burgers, fries, pizza, sandwiches, fajitas, nachos, seafood, sushi. So great on food. A lot of food there covered.

And again, this is lime cilantro. Now, I'm going to be looking as this is even decent after all these years. Yeah, well, I don't know. Has it changed its colour? Do you know? Oh, dear. What's that look for? Very garlicky on the nose.

Yeah, but again, what I'm going to say is this. When you bought it, was it that colour? Because that colour looks like what I left in your toilet, frankly, today. I think it was a bit of a more vibrant green, and it's gone browner over the years. I think we should have a very small amount of this, and ideally, none of it. Now, can you see the best before?

See if you can read that in the light. I think it's printed on the shoulder of the bottle there. Do you see there's some writing? Yes, hang on. 2018. Okay. Is when this should last have been consumed by humans. No, Best Before.

Even so, it's four years ago. Oh, God, it's not like... No, it... No, it doesn't. Oh, Paul, you big baby. There's nothing nasty about that either. You can't smell it. It's very garlicky.

No, there's something in there. There's rot. There's rot there. You're imagining it. No, I'm not imagining it. What I'm going to gather is that I have a better attuned sense of rot than you. Maybe there is a slight note. There's a little bit of

fucking web and a cobweb with a dirty sock on top. It's very rotten. I don't want any. Please don't make me for this podcast. Very small bit, yeah. Mate, I don't know if I can. I think I might actually be sick with this because in my head now I know it's old.

Shall we taste this together? No, you don't have to actually it's going to make you vomit I can't do it I love it I'm fighting it I have to take

the duty on Paul just give it back to me give it back I want to I want to play I don't want to be the guy everyone

hates online because they don't do it but mate I don't want to do it it's a very small bit Paul you don't have to put that what's it like i can taste the rot have some water it's like lemon and rock have some water have some water

is it bad? To me, mate. Is there any heat left in it? No, it's not heat. It's got like a lemon sting to it. Have a go. But it tastes like lemon and rock. Right.

I'm going to taste a bit. Why can't you sense my pain? Mate. There's rock there. There's a darkness. It brings out the Arnie and Eli. The chopper. That's the closest I've been to vomiting

on this fucking podcast for a while. Yeah, what it is, is there's still some heat there. There's a sort of... I tell you what it's like. It's like a sausage roll of filth, where on the outside, you've got the rot and the fermented badness.

And on the inside, you've got this streak of meaty lemon filling, which just slices through. There's a sort of citrus... It's kind of fallen apart, the flavour, a bit, over the years, I think. The amplitude has gone down. It's like everything's separated out. It's really just gone apart, the flavour, a bit over the years, I think. The amplitude has gone down, you know? It's like everything's separated out.

It's really just gone all good. It's not as bad. It's not that rotten tasting. Maybe it's just me. All I could taste is the rot in that. It was just layers of fucking... There is a slight rot note. There's a slight sort of staleness.

I agree. There's a staleness. Fuck me. God, that was horrible. Mostly what I was getting was a bit of heat and a sort of sourness. Like the citric isn't bright citric. It's a sourness. Do you know what I mean?

A sort of dull sour. Don't think we should have eaten that, mate. You'll be fine. It's the best before. It's been sealed. That's it. I am not fine. I am not fine right now.

I am very close to just packing it in. Just everything. That's put me off life. I'll give it one. Oh, we're rating that, are we? Oh, we're rating that? We're rating that four-year out-of-date piece of shit? People want to know.

Oh, God. What's next? Fire fruits, that sauce brand was. Great. Well, but good riddance. Hope it doesn't cause fire fruits coming out the other end. It's going to cause worse than fire fruit. Fire eggs.

Yeah, fucking. Fire chods. Right. Now, we move from that, an undistinguished and, frankly, out-of-date hot sauce, probably consigned to the annals of history now. I've got the rot just in the mouth, in my jowls. Well, I think our next and final sauce in this segment, Paul, will clear that away. Remedy that, will it?

Now, this is a novelty super hot source. I don't know if we've done this on the show before, anything of this stature. Of this calibre. This is called Widow No Survivor, and it has a little toy cracker toy spider glued onto the stem of the bottle. It's kind of of shit isn't it

well I don't like the way it's crudely glued so it's got a big splodge of glue coming out below the abdomen can I just say though I like the phrase

crudely glued crudely glued there which sounds like a prog rock kind of like a prog band they'd be good yeah but it looks as if the spider is sort of

you know taking a poo poo or something he's done a dirty little spider accident. Yeah. Which I don't know if they do that. He splodged the fat worm. Now, I just thought this is some kind of fucking stupid, you know, novelty source. Similar to the five fruits, it's just going to disappear, you know, or whatever.

Yeah. We got it for a particular purpose. We got it for a purpose. Which we didn't get around to using it for, so it's kind of extraneous. But then, I was browsing through this incredibly useful reference tool, Dr. Burnarium's Hottest Ever Sources. Dr. Burnarium. No, it's a very sober research tool,

reference item. Can I just say as well for the listeners at home, they don't realise this, but the book is in the shape of a bottle of hot sauce. It certainly is. Which means every page has a model of the bottle on. Yes, it's of a bottle of hot sauce. It certainly is. Which means every page has a model of the bottle on. Yes, it's quite nice actually, the photography. It's lovely.

It's fine for what it is. Now, I was surprised to see our no widow, no survivor appear on the pages of this very reference tome. Yeah, because we saw that and thought, oh, no one's going to take that seriously, but apparently someone has. It's a serious source. The page, the entry on it in this book has some little things here.

It says personality, the personality of this sauce, Paul. Deceitful, vicious, balance, stable, rigid, body, medium, trim, bouquet, spicy, treacherous. Is this your Tinder profile you're reading out? Length, hung like a donkey. Is that really what it says? Yes. So there's... You know what?

Maybe that's a trick we've missed out on. Describing hot sauces as in length of penis size. Well, length, that means how long it sort of burns for, I guess, is what they mean when they talk about it in the context of hot sauces. Yeah, I guess so. But then why describe it like a penis? Because, like, penises and hot burns aren't really... They don't really go together, do they?

Whoever wrote this book had to fill some space because when it says the story of this sauce it's just this sort of riff on incy wincy spider this person has written oh it's just basically yeah saying what the sensation of drinking that sauce will be like what goes through this spider's mind now what caught my eye though paul is the little description tasting notes whatever flavor notes it says at the bottom a sturdy web of destruction with a dash of oriental influence, courtesy of soy sauce and garlic, which are ultimately devoured by the incredible heat of habanero

and, what does that say? Capusian extract? Capiscum extract. Thank you. So that's the very, that's the caspiscum or whatever they call it. Oh, okay. Cooking additive only. Yeah.

Okay, they are not messing around with the strength of this. Burn rating is 6 out of what? 10? I don't know what the scale is. They don't give Scovilles. No, they just do that whole I mean, Mad Dog's Revenge gets 7, 6, 6, 6. So it's in the upper echelons. Yeah. This is

going to be a hot one, boy. Ass Blaster. Fuck me. They come up with some awful names for this shit. Yeah. Crazy Jerry's Brain Damage. Oh, Bom-er-bit-Bom-Larden. With a very racist stereotype on the... Fuck me. Right.

Professor Fod Pounder's Colon Cleanser. That's a genuine... I know, these are real sources. I thought, surely these are just sort of fly-by-night. But these are actual sources. Rectum Ripper. Rectum Ripper. Bloody hell. Oh, there's pain

100%, which we used on Barshans. Yeah, that's a good one, yeah. That wasn't that hot. How many things is pain 100%? That was only at four, I think. Yeah, that wasn't that hot, was it? I remember it not being hot, so this is only meant to be one hotter. Alright, well let's go and try it out. Here's my spoon. So, you know there are these theories,

obviously haven't been proven, but that people who are more closed-minded or bigoted don't like spicy food or they don't like they don't enjoy a range. That's just a theory. But and sometimes I feel like that when I was I don't know if I told you this story. I was getting a sandwich and I used to work down in Shad Thames, not Sad Thames, Shad Thames. That was the Welsh part of town. And I went to I went to a get my sandwich and lunch, one of these cafe places. I got a prawn roll, basically, prawn mayonnaise roll.

And I said, can you put some hot sauce? And the person behind me went, what hot sauce on a prawn? And the guy who was serving it to me was like, what are you doing? And I was like, you're fucking racist. Fuck off. Fascists, that's what they are. Yeah, just because they don't understand you can put hot sauce on like, you fucking racist. Fuck off. Fascists. That's what they are. Yeah, just because they don't understand

you can put hot sauce on something. And it's not even that thing. It's like a fucking, it's like an age old combination. Chili and seafood is like one of the biggest things. Did they even have any hot sauce there? They do.

They had a Tabasco. All right, okay. Fucking arseholes though, you know? Try and fucking tell me what you can and can't have on your fucking prawn roll.

like, oh, weird. It's like, do you want me to fucking buy the sandwich or can and can't have on your fucking prawn roll weird like oh weird it's like do you want me to fucking buy the sandwich or not and you other person in the queue fucking butt out

no one asked you whether you think it's weird I'm having hot sauce on my prawns you know what I mean I'm just going to go ahead and say that this story

isn't as interesting as you think it is oh could I have a huff I've had a huff of the weirdo have you yeah

you're going to get some money out of it oh it's very rich. Let's have a little hoof. Now, as we discussed before, Paul, I do feel I need to bring this up. This is a, it's got a warmth to it already just off the nostril. You know, it's got a kind of thick. Yeah.

Like. It's a richness, isn't it? A sort of sweet, a deep sweetness. Did some go on your nose? Yeah. Is it burning your nose? Oh, yeah. Really? Just your nose? Oh, yeah. Really?

Just from that? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Don't you... It's only a little tingle, but it's enough to... Mate... Oh, I can smell everything

right now. Wow. Right, I'm going to put a little bit up. How much do you want to put on? Don't put too much, mate. Honestly, this could be... Oh, it's thick.

Do you have some milk here standing by? About that much? Yeah, no more than that. Now, I do need to remind you, Paul, before you eat it... It's almost chocolatey. That's right. That's rich, that sort of Yeah, no more than that. Now, I do need to remind you, Paul, before you eat it... It's almost chocolatey. That's right.

That's rich, that sort of rich, sweet, like I say, a deep sweetness, isn't it? Sort of a very... Or tomatoey, but a deep tomatoey. I need to... What?

Warn you again. Part of that umami flavour you're getting is from this very small amount of anchovy that is in here. Don't put it in your eye. My nose is really stinging right now. It's weird. It feels like someone's got a pit in my nose.

We know that you're allergic to fish, Paul. And as we discussed before, there is a very small amount. A very small amount. But I think I'll be all right because I have had like Caesar salads with anchovy in. And you've been okay?

And I've been all right. Okay. You're only having a tiny amount of this. So just be aware. It's literally no more than a five pence piece worth. It's a tiny, tiny bit. It's not even a five pence piece worth. And I'm going to have a similar amount.

That's a bit too much, isn't it? You're going to have to commit to that now, aren't you? I'm going to commit to it. Come on. I always say I'm a big man and I eat all the spices. Let's see what my metal's made of. You're a big man. What is this, like, get Carter for sauce?

I only told you to get the bloody sauce. No, that's the Italian job. Fuck. Get Carter as you're a big man, but you're out of shape, right no that's the Italian job fuck right get caught you're a big man but you're out of shape right that's right

that's right here we go it looks very chocolatey it does in colour and mine has a little floatlet in it very brown

mine has a little floatlet or something quite a nice smell alright I'm going to do this here we go this is food additive only we might not be able to do the rest of the show

man we can take a break okay for like a week or so. Here we go. Oh, fuck. Ooh. Holy fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

I've got to do it. Oh, fuck me. Ooh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, that bites. That's too hot. Okay, do you want some milk, mate? Milk me. Milk me, Eli. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Jesus. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, that's really burning my mouth, man. Fucking hell. I've got a sweat on. Oh, that's really burning my mouth, man. Fucking hell, I've got a sweat on. Oh, that's really burning my mouth, mate. And I feel sick from the rot and I'm generally sweating. Oh, God. Oh, that's really burnt my mouth and it's now burning the back of my throat. My nose is on fire because I've got that little pinprick of hot sauce, mate.

This has been a bad sauce report. That's so hot. That is one of the hottest sauces I've ever had. I've ever had. Oh, the hottest I've ever had. Oh, I can't touch my face. Oh, my lips really hurt. Oh, my tongue really hurts, man. I'm at the stabby in the mouth stage now, Paul.

It's like someone's fucking slicing my tongue. It's like there's a little man fucking... Yeah, there's a little man. Oh, I've gone all snotty snotty oh it's gone back your nose I'm going to be sick I'll get a tissue

it's over it's over oh mate you're not as smart as It's over. Oh, mate, you're not as smart as Cain. It's back. Come back later. Final thoughts on the sauce then, Eli. You okay?

No, I feel really poorly now. We've had a bit of a clean up, everybody. I've had hot rot and then, like, gut smasher. Now, I think we can both agree that was the hottest sauce we've ever done on the show, Paul. By some margin. Yeah. Really? Really bad.

I don't want to go hotter, ideally. No, the pain just didn't subside. There's only, there's one, I think one hot sauce in the whole book that's hotter than that. Which is... Arse muncher or something, isn't it? No, which is the Mad Dog. Oh, yeah. Which is seven and a half million Scoville. So we must be talking around six million Scoville,

something like that for that. Oh, the old Phillips. Huh? Phillips Schofield. He's hot. Now, we just wanted to say... I want to say it had flavour. It wasn't just hot sauce.

There was a flavour there. There was a delicious sort of soy sauce umami and garlicky. And you just think, oh, that's nice. And then it's immediately pulled into hell. Immediately the pain just smacks you. It's like someone took a brick, wrapped it in barbed wire on a length of barbed wire, covered it in hot sauce and threw it down my gullet

and then yanked at it. Really, really painful, yeah. And I had to go to the loo because I got all my... That's one of the effects of... Your face exploded with snoto because I got all my... That's one of the effects of... Your face exploded with snot, mate, is what happened. That's one of the effects of caspiscom. It makes you snot. It moistens your...

Not moistens. It moistens your fucking face, mate. I know that for a fact. It loosens your mucus. With gooey, gooey nose splodge. It loosens the mucus. You start to cry and your nose starts to run. Mate, it was just... It's the extract. And I had to cry and your nose starts to run. It was just...

It's the extract. And I had to go use the bathroom here, Paul. Yes. The toilet. And I was very weary. Of my afterburn. Of your fucking chutney miasma. Which before had been so solid, like an immovable, solid, opaque block.

It was my... But it's all gone. It's all gone. So it was a quick-moving chutney miasma. So solid crew. More like so solid poo. Right all gone. It's all gone. So it was a quick moving Chudney miasma. So solid crew. More like so solid poo. Right? Yeah, that's right. Well, there you go. There you go.

That's the source report. Forever. I think we peaked. We can't get any... That was a pretty nasty source report. From beginning to end, that was the least favourite source report I've ever done. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I feel pretty fucking bad right now. Really? I feel poisoned. I feel pretty fucking bad right now. Really? I feel poisoned.

I feel ill. You only had a tiny bit of that sauce. I know. It's still suitable for consumption after best before. How much would it take you to put a bit of that widow

on the end of a Q-tip and then smear it upon your muscly meters? Well, just dip dab. I wouldn't want to do that. Dip dab on the lips. I wouldn't want to do that. Dip dab on the lips. I wouldn't want to do that. On the lips.

On the lips of hot sauce. Now. On your dip dab. This isn't the section of the show we're doing, Paul. No, we're not. This is now the segment called

Eli's Silverman's Platters. Silverman's Platters. Hello. Silverman's Platters. Hello. Time for Silverman's Platters. Yeah, something nice to chill out to

the last part of the show. Just calm it down. This is a segment of the show where I produce vinyl, we listen to the vinyl, we assess vinyl, and we have a patron saint, who is Clyde McFatter, who we've seen a picture of today, both of us,

so he's very much in our minds. He's very much in our hearts and minds. Some kind soul at the live show gave me an LP, Clyde McFatter LP, which we listened to some of today, didn't we, Paul? Nice enough. It was not very good.

I think it was his Wilderness Years. Really? Is it not like his Lost Tracks? Well, because I played you that early, that sort of R&B,

boogie-woogie piano number, which is really hot. And then I've got that Stevie Wonder song he did. Yeah. I've got the LP now. It's Clyde McFatter, Let's Start Over Again,

which is probably what his producer said after this week show set of songs. Oh. But there he did. Yeah. I've got the LP now. It's Clyde McFatter, Let's Start Over Again, which is probably what his producer said after this week show set of songs. But there he is and he's looking over at us. He is the patron saint. He's shining over us today, so let's put him in his spot. There he is, Clyde McFatter, everybody.

But that is very much not what we're covering today. Paul, would you like to introduce the first record on today's Silverman Platters? Yes, today we're going to just start with a bit of a follow-up to something we did a few weeks, well a fair few months ago now, when we covered Tiz Was and Swap Shop and stuff. And I was in a charity shop the other day, just

looking about, and I came across a single, and it looked like Tiz Was, but it wasn't Tiz Was. It's weird, it's like an AI has done and made Tiz Was. Do you know what I mean? But it is Tiz Wasis was so this is a seven inch it is called it's by a band called the pie and ears pie ears which i didn't realize until i said it out loud yeah and to cut a long story short this is a tis was single it comes from the

very final series when chris tarrant had fucked off and taken some of the cast with him to do ott which was the adult late night Tizwas show. Question? Yes. Did Lenny Henry go with him to OTT? I believe so. So what happened in its place is they rejigged the main cast. I'll read it out from the Tizwas wiki. This is

the last season of Tizwas which ran from 5th of September 81 and ended in 82. Its format was heavily tinkered with by ATV management. I read an article elsewhere about how at this point in the show's run,

it kind of become too slick and it was hard trying to find that anarchy when everything was so well, easily, you know, so comfortable now. But wasn't it a formula that was working at least during the Tarrant era?

Yeah, but here's what happened. Tarrant went, oh, this will work as an adult show and fucked off to OTT. And then ATV went, maybe focus on the kids a bit more rather than the adult

kind of content. We know years ago they released an album, a Tiswell album, all about the Bucket of Water thing. What was it called? The Buccaneers.

Yes, the Buccaneers. So this must have been in its dying throes an attempt to recapture that. Some of that with the pies. Yeah. Which obviously had been

the big sort of standout hit, the splodge cannon. The splodge cannon. Was it called the splodge cannon? I mean, it's not, but we're calling it the splodge cannon. A big foamy cannon shooting out arcs of fucking foamy... Really thick arcs of foam. It was quite arousing.

And there's like a splodge, a fucking spooge... What's the word? Slime. What did they call it? Slime? They didn't really have slime in this country. It was more cost-effective.

Just they had a dirty water cage, didn't they? We've seen it. The dirty water cage. Yeah, that was the buckets of water. Where the kids go in there and they get buckets of water

thrown on them. But did they also get slime on them? No, slime wasn't a thing in the UK until like Nickelodeon influence came over. I see, I see.

So all those shows began to affect our shows and gave us the slime. It was a real innovation in children's TV. Yeah, slime was an American TV staple in like the late 70s.

Oh. Really, like they seriously started the whole slime kids show thing off then. They innovated. And then we got it when we started seeing

like Double Dare and those kind of shows. So, the cast of this single is the cast of the final series who are Midlands DJ George Astley.

Let me see because I want to know who is who. So George Astley is the guy, the older guy. We're going to put a picture up on the website. You can see what we're talking about. Again, he looks sort of too old to present a kids' show. Do you know what I mean? But he was a mate of Tarrant's and had been around the Tiswell studio in the running series.

So when Tarrant fucked off, he went, oh, Gordon will fill in. Wow. So then we've got former darts frontman Dan Hegarty. He's the guy with the ears on in this yeah um wait no hang on i need to get this right den hegarty i think is the blonde haired guy right this guy yeah wow i knew i recognized him from somewhere with the ears is comic impressionist fogwell flax that that fits better that because he's got a website that i went to which utterly

fucking depressed me really because it's like i do cruise ships and I used to be on TizWars and it's like, yeah, once for that final season. Oh my God. Imagine that was your claim to fame, the one season of TizWars where no one remembers. You know, it's one of those websites

that someone built in like, I don't know, 2003 and hasn't changed it since, updated it. It's all very basic and there's all kind of very rote stock industry pictures of himself. Oh my God god do you think

he's still working is it yeah no i mean probably now also what's confusing about this photo on the cover of this single paul is there's a picture of the character whatever that character the phantom fly flinger yeah but then who's this that's the phantom flan fling but he's you can compare that there's a picture of him in the background and there's he's actually in the photo they're not the same i I know, but it doesn't matter, does it? And they don't match.

That's how shoddy it is. Maybe I'm wrong. His hat in the photo doesn't look the same as his hat in the picture that's there. Oh, it says here, actually. Although Sally James

did stick around and became the series music editor, she did leave before the series ended. So she bailed before the show. Look, I mean,

she looks a bit tired there. She looks like she's had enough already. Do you know what I mean? There was a bit tired there. She looks like she's had enough already. Do you know what I mean? There was a character who was like the Fonz called Shades. Oh my God. I really want to see some of this. I bet it's completely lost.

There was a puppeteer called Trevor James who had a giant parrot who was there to fill in the void but left by Bob Carol G's. Imagine filling in Bob Carol G's void with a talking parrot. It's all just second rate. It's delicious. At the end of 81, a restructure of ITV's

broadcast network saw ATV win back the franchise from the Midlands on condition of changes in the output and branding. So that's one of the reasons

why it ate into it. But as we found out as well, that last series of Tiswas went out during the early seasons of number 73, which is going out around the country.

So only a few networks got Tis Was. Got the last season of Tis Was because it's already passed its best before date. Apparently, ATV chairman,

Lou Grade, who was a big person who got, who massively involved in bringing the Muppets into existence. That was a huge name in media at the time.

But he fucking hated Tis Was and was happy to see it die. Perhaps that was, perhaps his influence was part of the reason it did perish. But there is very little about this song online compared to the other album we had.

Like I say, it's just completely hidden. And the other thing that's delightful, are we going to play them any? You know what? Let's actually play the first track. Which one should we play first? Well, that's the thing. It's an A and double A.

There's no B side. Let's play the one that is the custard pie song. That one. The football chant one. Yeah. Okay. There's many a punk or reggae or funk. Musical knockers and singers and rockers.

Matchsticks, clubs and keepers of parks. Wardens of trafficking, ancienters trafficking. Chiefs, those wenches, Tory backbenchers. Overseas visitors, crooked solicitors Folks are praying, some even paying For one in the eye from a large custard pie In all kinds of weather, all together Hit me, hit you

Hit us with a custard pie, pie, pie Hit me, hit you Hit us with a custard pie, fight, fight Hit me Hit you Hit us with a custard Fight, fight, fight In here We like growing too We like yellow Sass

Let's hit Custard pies We love There's many a nurse or a nanny or worse Big elder brothers and sisters And other defectors and spies And you may be surprised to learn It's produced by Chaz and Dave. Produced by Chaz and Dave.

Now, it's another... I like that track, I'll be honest. It's very much a football chant, isn't it? No, it's a list song, isn't it? Oh, it is very much like that. That's what I like. Yeah. It starts off like that, but then it's got...

It's got that. The England sort of thing, doesn't it? It kind of works in the same way Three Lines works, where it kind of throws in chants and things. Little bits of chants. And they are great musicians, Chaz and Dave, aren't they? Oh, yeah, they are. But I think this really speaks to how fucking ubiquitous they were,

how in demand they were in that period, late 70s, early 80s. They were everywhere. I remember everyone sort of hating them because of every TV programme you turned on, they were on, every record you heard on the radio, they were producing fucking obscure

fucking kids show records. They must have been so in demand. Everyone remembers them for that Rabbit song, right, by and large. But then you forget that

if you actually take the time to listen to their albums, they wrote some fucking excellent songs. I mean, it's trite to say, but it's true, but Ain't No,

what's that, Ain't No Missing You, whatever. Ain't No Pleasing You. Ain't No Pleasing ain't no pleasing you is fantastic have you heard that version they did recently i mean obviously before he passed with the orchestra uh no it's like um acoustic yeah it's like a sort of semi-acoustic pared down slowed down no i've not heard that fucking heartbreaking it's a great it's a great song genuinely no they were great so they've been rehabilitated but this kind of speaks to how

their style that whole Mockney thing must just have been just everywhere for a couple of years you know what I mean and then it fell into pastiche and then it kind of

made their out of fashion but then they never really you know did anything other than be true to their own sound yes but I just don't think you get artists

it was a phenomenon sort of a very British thing as well I think you can lump them in with a phenomenon. Sort of a very British thing as well. I think you can lump them in with like Bullseye and shows like that, which were kind of like a snapshot of what like the working class or lower middle class people were like

in this country in that time. The fashion, the style. Because like you listen to a lot of Chaz and Dave and a lot of their music is kind of slicer lifey. It's like families and going to Margate. Well, there's that great song about alcoholism, isn't there? About going to the pub.

Going to the pub, yeah. The wives are waiting for them. And the hangover song, the drumming in my head, whatever that track is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just brilliant slice of life songs. Now, this isn't their best work.

No, I'll just carry on talking. You can just interrupt if you want. I feel sick to my fucking nuts. Now, are we going to talk about the other side? Is this dog talking over me again? I'm bearing myself up. Because I've heard it. You're sick.

You're sick as sauce. Every fucking week, I turn up here. Every fucking week. And the first thing you say is, I'm not feeling it today. I didn't say that today. I feel like shit. I didn't say that today, did I?

You did. I fucking didn't. Oh, wait. So on this one occasion, you want a badge for that, do you? I didn't. I haven't. Not only did I not say it, I haven't brought it up that I didn't say it until you brought it up.

Okay? So I didn't say it and I didn't bring it up. And I want a badge for that, please. Have you got a badge? Have you got a badge for me? We don't have no stinking badges. Okay. Are we going to mention the other side?

Yes. Now, the other side, the other of the eight, it's the pie of the year. Year of the pie. Very different things. Year of the pie and the pie of the year. Yeah. What's your pie of this year, Paul? Steak and kidney.

You don't even eat that because the kidney makes you go, doesn't it? I like... I've been having a lot of... I'm not talking pies. Fuck off. Come on.

Did you hear that, everybody? I almost lulled him in. Into a pie chat. Lured him into a pie chat. We all want you to talk about pies. I can't be arsed. I had a nice curry pie. Oh, curry pie.

Like a vegan curry pie thing. It was very nice. Really? Can't remember the brand or how much it was. Was it Pie Minister? No. Because they're very disappointing pies. No, it wasn't Pie Minister.

I once shot an ad in their... Not an ad for them. I shot an ad in their office in Bristol. And there was an old-fashioned sausage poster on the wall. And it was disgusting. I'll give you that. Old-fashioned sausage poster? Yeah.

A sausage poster? Or a poster about sausages? It was a poster saying, Oh, look at these different types of sausage you can get. And some of them... From Pie Minister? It was just on the wall in Pie look at these different types of sausage you can get. And some of them... From Pie Minster. It was just on the wall in Pie Minster somewhere. Because they were, like, trendy.

Like, let's have this whole retro sausage poster in our house. Anyway, here's that fucking song. It's the Year of the Pie. They don't do it in Holland, not even in Hong Kong Unheard of in America, but the flinger can't be wrong So here in the UK, let's hand out our bouquet It's the year of the pie, so join in our song Oh me, oh my

First plant when you've aged a single brush by Up your nose and in your eye We're celebrating the year of the pie With us standing up All lying on the grind He'll steadily creep up You'll never hear a sound With a bit of luck you'll

Learn how to duck, though He'll be sure to get you The next time around Oh me, oh my There's plenty days just to rush by Sort of an old cowardly sort of thing. It reminded me of the Goodies album stuff. It had a vibe of like, because it's weird. When that first album came out from Tears for Us,

that was produced in part by Neil Innes. And so there's a lot of Neil Innes in there. You can hear it. Whereas with Chaz and Dave, you've got the Chaz and Daviness of it, but this has a, you're right, a kind of no cowardly, the Goodies, end of and Daviness of it, but this has a, you're right, a kind of Noel Cowardy, the goodies, end of the pier kind of thing.

Dixieland almost. Sort of American age, jazz age. A chant kind of. Cha-cha-cha. Yeah. It's fun. You can imagine they were trying to have that catch on in some respect. Also, there are impressions, which must have been him.

His stock in trade must have been fucking Prince Charles because Prince Charles fucking comes on and does a whole bit doesn't he what was his name Fuckwell Frog or something oh yes

it's my pie oh the ears you're right yeah he's doing it my pie I've spuffed into the pie hang on is your Grumpy Sessions

basically Prince Charles yes basically yes the wife and I. Camilla. I would like to be your bum wipe because then I'd be in your bum. Camilla, can I park my balls in you, please?

Camilla. Whoa! That's the highlight of the show there. That's the sniff. That's the tease I'm going to put out parka my balls mate that's why that's it

oh dear right there fucking green fingered idiot right okay let's move on to the next record then yeah very interesting deep tis was law then

that is a platter for me this week that's a platter track definitely I mean it's just it's interesting lovely find it's interesting. I mean, it's just... Lovely find. It's interesting enough by itself, its rareness and weirdness,

but then the Chaz and Dave angle as well. It's interesting because I'd never heard of it before. It's very much a post-note to the whole Tizwa saga. And it's kind of... There's nothing on it online really, apart from a few videos on YouTube. But that's it. And it's a good video featuring the splodge cannon.

Yeah. Yeah. And, right. Bring on the gnoll! it's a good video featuring the splodge cannon. Yeah. Yeah. And, right, bring on the Noel! It's time for a bit of notes. So there's not really much we can talk about this. This is a Flexi, Paul.

Yeah. True Text 14. Present. Noel Edmonds' favourite hit. It's a Flexi and it has a photograph,

sort of... Kind of etched image of Noel's face on the centre. On the centre where the label would be on a normal record yeah but this is all just one guy on one of those discog type sites when i have a few of these with a sticker over noel edmunds face does that make them more expensive or rarer and someone underneath said no and that was it fuck you it's also like it's like

the top of a record cartridge a record player cartridge thing the top of the oh that's quite a nice design do you know what that probably means then there's probably kind of an advert in looking magazine or cindy magazine that had that real image on where it was like his face the record the arm of the record player going across it and then they were taking that and then made it for the sleeve of this so it's effectively no lebanon saying oh we're going to play three songs for you now in a kind of mega mix thing and we like him

and we think you'll like him too. It's his favourite hit. No, they're not. And there's layers to this. So, A, True Text is a company in the UK that nowadays is primarily known

for making clothes for kids for school, right? School uniforms. Jumpers, blazers, jackets, trousers, shoes. Those black trousers and just the uniform stuff. But this is from what? The 70s, late 70s, right? School uniforms. Jumpers, blazers, jackets, trousers, shoes. Those black trousers and just the uniforms. But this is from what? The 70s, late 70s, right?

Yes, it has to be. So it's for True Text teens, which we can only imagine is a line of clothes probably designed for girls that are outside of school wear. You know? Fashion clothes. Shorts, skirts, tops.

There's definitely girl stuff. I think so. I couldn't find anything online about it. For teens, 14. But it's suggesting, tops. There's definitely girl stuff? I think so. I couldn't find anything online about it. 14. But it's suggesting, because of the songs on it, actually are kind of ballads. They're all mostly ballads. They're love songs.

It seems like this is for girls. Okay. This is a flex. It was on a girls magazine. Was he a bit of a heartthrob as a DJ? I think he was, because he's still in his very young days. If I get the timeline right, he was probably doing The breakfast show on BBC Radio 1

which was you know the coveted slot everyone in the country knew you yes and a bit of a that was back in the day when a DJ would be

that popular and maybe he was just before Swap Shop or about the same time so you know he's the face of the young generation

you know so they come to him they say we want to do this giveaway where we want to put a flexi disc out with some covers because they are covers what are the three songs they've got on there it's a three minute single but with a mix of three songs on them which are they aren't listed they are the list on the left hand side right hand side of his face oh yeah don't go

breaking my heart which is elton john and kiki d of course that's a great song can't get by without you who recorded that originally oh i forgot now it was written down need you more each day you can't get sure that's not the real thing i think that is the real thing these are all covers these are sound the likes they are like um like the top of the pops albums like top of the pop covers just a cheap just get some session musicians just to copy it yeah because it wasn't really a thing collections especially multi-label ones it was all from that one label. And if you couldn't get the license to multi-tracks, you would just re-record them.

You would rather then go approach all these different labels. You'd just go under one label and do covers of them all with sound-alikes. Of course, there's this rumour, stroke myth, that both Bowie and Elton John recorded some of these. They were session musicians for these. I think the Elton John recorded some of these. There were session musicians for these. I think the Elton John one's true,

but the Bowie one might be a bit more kind of mythical. But until the Now albums came along, the idea of, you know, songs from different labels all appearing on one compilation

was absolutely rare. So that's fascinating. It is the real thing, as I thought. Probably one of the biggest ever British disco R&B acts. And their big hit was? You To Me Are Everything.

Which was my karaoke favourite at university. It's a fucking great pop disco track. And this doesn't sound too dissimilar to it, to be fair. I still think it's a great song. Still good. Still good. And then the third track. And some of their more funky stuff,

and especially off their concept album, which is called... It has the track Stanhope Street. So the concept... It's worth checking out there. It's like a slice of life-y life you kind of thing yeah it's about where they grew up in liverpool i didn't know about that yeah third track though is the one that was kind of like oh fuck me it is a dr hook tune we discovered yeah if not you it's called if not you uh do you want to sing it wait wait i just put dr who in instead of Doctor Who. Easy mistakes, mate.

If Not You lyrics. So we're listening to this, and it's a reasonably insipid ballad, but let me just read the lyrics out to you flatly, matter-of-factly, and go, it's funny what men expected of women back in the day when it came to love ballads.

Incredible. So here we go. Great opening line, by the way. I'm just going to say this. This is the opening line for the ages. Who's going to water my plants? Who's going to patch my pants? Who's going to give me the chance to feel brand new?

Who's going to iron my shirts? Who's going to kiss where it hurts? Something's red and angry, darling. Oh, you've made it. You've made it hurty. Give a kiss kiss on the hurt-y lips Oh my arsehole hurts I've got a lump on I've got a fucking tumour on my arsehole

Anyway, and who needs a man When he flirts the way I do Who if not you Who if not you Who's gonna wake me on time Who'll smile when I look fine Who's gonna stay on my mind the whole day through who's going to see that i'm fed who's going to want me in bed who will who will watch tv

instead because i do who if not you do you know what all of this these offers of sort of domestic servitude are really getting me turned on oh i'm sitting here a little you know 16 year old girl listening to dr. Hook go, oh, I'll make you tea. I'll kiss the hurty spot. Oh, I'll wait for you to come out. Iron your clothing, all of it. Think about it.

The guy I'm picturing in my head singing this song is this big, fat, fucking hairy look going, who's going to fucking wash my arsehole? Kiss me where it hurts and give it a wash. Who's going to wash it

when I'm too fat to reach it? Who's going to lick the fucking gruel from the sides of my mouth, if not you? Now, those are covers, but I have to say, the first two have pretty rough beats, like pretty funky. They've funked it up. The drums are coming through. Can you play?

You can't even play any of that. I can't, but this might be on YouTube. So if it is, I'll put a video link on our webpage for this episode. There's definitely sort of a sampleable, sort of quality it's not half changed you know in terms of the quality are you going to play we're going to play the intro which is all that matters which is no singing over the true text 14 theme which is not singing no they're singing in the background he's talking over their singing and he introduces the songs in that. Very much kind of give me my 200 pound.

Let's get this 15 seconds done so I can fuck off to my helicopter. Fucking so dismissive. Yeah, I'm Noel. Yeah, you know, you love me. That's fine. Yeah. What's this all for? Fucking 14s.

Pruck it. I'm Noel Edmonds. And I'm going to introduce these three songs that are really my favorite songs. Yeah. And I want to share them with you. For you lucky 14 True Tech wearing songs. Yeah. And I want to share them with you. Bullshit. For you lucky 14 True Tech wearing kids. Yeah, here they are.

You're going to love them. Bye, everyone. I'm Noel Edmonds. Where's my money? He must have done like three of these every day for fucking three years. How many times has he come up, though, in this segment where he's done something like this, where he introduces a song for Barclays or he introduces the specially for you song for your birthday or whatever he's just said yes to every offer of a promotional yes yes yes yes he is the original brand off when you think about it when you think

about it he's like an entrepreneur you know he's always building new business he's always on the go he's he knows his value you gotta say that for him how many times has he been married out of interest i don't know, two, three? Oh, he definitely has had divorces then. Yeah, of course. He's moved. He's upgraded the models, hasn't he? He was the guy who met a woman through the Cosmos.

Oh, yeah. And then she basically did a tell-all to the newspapers. And he went, oh, the Cosmos told me to be careful. Oh, you should have listened then, shouldn't you? Yeah, you fucking bearded twat. Anyway. Yeah, he's really like, hello, 14s, this who are these my favorite songs they're called this this and this right am i done thank you you know i mean i wish my wife was a robot yeah the cosmos told me to get

a fucking robo whore no ledman's in the Whore. Yeah. Sounds absolutely exploitative. Is that it? That's a segment over? We haven't played the track yet. Here we do. Here's the track. Well, the beginning bit. True Text for TITV.

It's what looking good's all about. True Text for TITV. It's what looking good's all about True Tech's 1419 It's what looking good's all about Hi there, my name's Noel Edmonds, and for all you True Tech's 14 fans, I'd like to play three great hits that will always be favourites of mine. First, there's Don't Go Breaking My Heart, followed by Can't Get By Without You. Then let's take things nice and easy with If Not You. I'm sure you'll like them.

And to finish off, there's that number one sound in children's wear, the fabulous True Text 14 tune. See, it wasn't all that good, but there you go. Well, there is something we've forgotten to do with this record, and that is, I need to ask you, in the eyes of Clyde, he's looking down. In the eyes of Clyde. You need to give me

your binary answer to whether you believe this record is a platter or a splatter today Paul I'm I'm torn it's definitely a platter for me because I love the crunchy beats the beats the crunchy beats there is something so useless pointless ephemeral about it, right? And yet, it's one of those things where it's bigger than some of its parts. When you step back and you look at it, you think, oh, what the fuck? But when you look into the bits, it's like, oh, there's Noel Edmonds doing this

and you can think of the backstory and then there's the theme they've put together, then the re-sung covered songs. I like those. Those appeal to me. And it's just a simple crossfade. It's not like they've cleverly stitched those songs together. Which sometimes was done done in the era they'd say i think

on some of those top of the pops 45s that's the one that did it is the big example and later drive bunny yeah yeah to chart a claim yeah so i'm gonna have to press you oh it's a platter yeah it's a platter yeah well that was a successful segment it was a lot better than that fucking saucepocalypse we had. On that, Paul, I'm feeling something going on in the lower end of the colon region. My tumbly is very rumbly. So let's wrap this show up. Okay. I'm going to try and do it as fast as I can.

Right? Go on then. Okay, if you want to know anything more about this episode, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, where there are pages dedicated to each episode where you can see pictures and sometimes videos to accompany the things that happen in these podcasts. Also, it's your one-stop shop for a lot of stuff.

There's blerks to mink. There's links to merch from events, physical magazines, which you simply have to get your fucking hands on they're fucking great get your hands on those the brand new one 80s uh based number 73 front cover is one of my favorite things ever i'll get you a copy don't worry about that it's at home i forgot to bring it today so and tony's merch and spunk rocks new art to celebrate 300 that's all there and also a link to our patreon but it's also patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can and you a link to our Patreon but it's also patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show

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and finally Twitter where we're most chatty at the Cheap Show Pod I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is Eli Snow. It's about Eli S-N-O-I-D. And that's it.

That's all we need to do. That's all we need to talk to you about. Episode 300's coming up in a few weeks. We've recorded it a few weeks ago now. Two weeks ago now. Two weeks ago now. Cray cray bay bay. And I am really looking forward to sharing it with everyone

because I'm fucking really proud of it. And I hope you have fun because it's going to get released as a video as well as the podcast version on the same day. Paul, I'm excited too.

Thanks to the patrons, guys, lovely, lovely stuff and thanks to everyone who came to the live show but Paul, we really need to sort out

the CCC run with, look, should we go there and just see what's going on? We can't even get into the corridor now because they put a lock on the corridor.

There's a fucking gate on the corridor. This is even our podcast. I reckon they're drilling down into the fucking League of Snacks and Crisps. What, into the cell below? Yeah, because it's all full of rubble and stuff and the old crisp records.

If they get down to the temple, they'll be getting to the catacombs and be able to escape all over the fucking place and get in and out. Who knows what the fuck's going to go on with that. I don't like the idea of this. I think we should gas them still. Well, we can.

We could use nitrous and make them all happy and then go in and sort of fuck them weird I'll fuck them you will you fuck or kill anything wouldn't you well

okay it's like the Joe Rogan podcast oh did it did it did it hey bye everyone that's not really an ending to this episode but we haven't got

one so goodbye goodbye that's not really an ending to this episode but we haven't got one so goodbye goodbye True Text for TITB It's what looking good's all about True Text for TITB It's what looking good's all about Looking good is feeling good Feeling good is loving life Loving life is a way to smile At True Text for TITB is is It's what looking good's all about. Looking good at school every day.

Looking good at night when you play. Looking good is a wear and a smile. And True Text 14. True Text 14. It's what looking good's all about. True Text 14. It was looking good.