CheapShow - Ep 297: Mall Madness

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Attention Shoppers! There’s a clearance sale at the Fashion Boutique! Will it be Paul or Eli to first secure a fancy jacket at a huge reduction? And who will grab the Designer Shades at the Opticians? Ooooh, it’s thrilling! It’s a fast-paced shopping spree this week on the economy comedy podcast. Paul’s been after the MB Games classic “Mall Madness” for a while, and finally, he inflicts his obsession on to Eli. After a few false starts, the Cheap Chaps take on the challenge to see who will be crowned “King Shopper” in a game primarily aimed at young teenage girls in the 1990s. If you think that’s going to make for a simple and pleasant game, then you’ve obviously never listened to the podcast before! It’s a s***show! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-297-mall-madness And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And you can follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow-tony/shop

Fully loaded, locked and loaded, ready to go. Get in the car, everyone. The cheap shimmy bill is ready to rev off on another journey, another wild goose chase to Tatsville. I don't think we should be representing cars. Cars are bad for the environment. What about this? Clinkle, clinkle, chink.

Clinkle, clinkle, chink. What's that? What kind of vehicle is that? It's a bicycle, Paul. And what bicycle goes clinkle, clinkle, chink? Well, mine does when I unlock it. Does it? I clinkle, clinkle, chink? Well, it does. Mine does when I unlock it. Does it?

I've got a lock. Well, I've got a fast car. Sounds like you're into... Hey, baby, I get into my car. Get out of my dreams. Eli's in his little Penny Farthing podcast comedy bike, right? And I'm in my fast, sexy, raw comedy sex car. Oh, what's that in the middle

of the road? It's a child! Oh no, I've lost control. I've been drinking. It's a terrible podcast car. Oh, it's crash. It's jackknifed. You've killed a child. I've killed a child. I've killed the child of creativity. Luckily, I'm coming up. Squeakle, squeakle, squeakle, squeak behind. Squeakle, squeakle,

squeakle, squeakle. Oh, child, do you need first aid? I don't know if I can handle this because I'm not medically qualified. No, he's coming back. He's reversing. I'm fucking maimed. I'm looking at this dying child's face. I'm getting out of here before the cops turn

up. Oh, no, it's gone down. Right, that's it. That's it. I can't take it no more. I'm going down. Click, click. Bang, bang, bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang. And the dying child's mouth dribbles. Welcome to the Cheap Show Podcast. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles it's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheap show Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap

Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Hey Eli, how are you today? I'm slightly tired Paul, I'm slightly tired

Now let me just, before you go any further, let me get out my little violin Oh is it the world's smallest violin? No Is it the world's smallest fucking clichéd trope? No, I lost that because it was so small. Is it the world's most overused fucking trope? And a sort of cold way of saying, I don't care. I don't care about your pain.

I don't care about your suffering. I have no empathy. I'm getting out the world's smallest little fucking... No, I'm getting out the world's smallest moog. Well, I'm getting out the world's... That doesn't sound like a moog. Bang, bang, brum, brum. It's Michael Winslow of the podcast world.

Well, I'm going to get out the world's smallest penis. Well, I won't have to imagine that because I'm about to see it. You can't see it. It's microscopic. I bet it looks like... Sub-visual. I bet it looks like an elf's pencil, doesn't it? I've got a sub-visual pee-pee. Sub-visual pee-pee?

Now I'm liking it. Now I'm liking this. You like having a sub-liminal pee-pee. What did you say? I have sub-visual pee-pee. Sub-visual. Does that mean it's less than visual? The funny thing about my penis, Paul,

the funny thing about it... Of many things. One of the many funny quirks about my penis isul the funny thing about things one of the many funny quirks about my penis is that the meters is actually longer than the penis shaft itself so what it's all meters no shaft that's a horrible thing to imagine some visual meters dominated pp that means your penis looks like the head of a hammerhead shark yes a very small hammerhead shark a baby hammerhead shark a baby a fetal baby hammerhead shark in the land of lily putt how about that oh that would be extra small then hey i'll tell you what because you've got a small penis when you're making love to a woman next time say can i let me

get this right would you like me to lily put it in you lily pull it out li Lily put it in you. Lily pull it out. Lily put Lily out. Lily. I've got nothing this week. Wow. We really have hit rock bottom. It's happened. I think it was because we used all our creativity for the live show and now we're dry. We're drained. Luckily I've got only a small pee pee hole from which my juice is to drain out in sub. You know, you've got a pee pee hole a wide metus. You can't have both. Well, it's a very wide metus. But it's a tiny pee-pee hole within. Biologically, how does that work? Most of my metus is just

very muscular lips, folds if you like, of muscle. This is the worst. Absolute worst way. The actual hole itself is sub-visual. Welcome to the Cheap Show podcast on this week's episode, One Thing, One Thing, Board Game.

I've been after this board game for years. We've got it and we're playing it. Paul? Yes. We're going to talk about that later. Don't go spoiling. I've also got rehearsed my little jingle for that sex segment. For that sex segment?

No, that's segment. That sex segment? Not the sex segment. Maybe we need a sex segment. No, we don't need a sex segment. How would we do it? A Cheap Show sex segment? No, that's segment. That's sex segment. Not the sex segment. Maybe we need a sex segment. No, we don't need a sex segment. How would we do it? A cheap show sex show? Oh, fucking...

Get your blunt meters out and bang it on a table for five minutes. What is the sound of the sub-visual meters? Can I feed your meters grubs? Can I put like little grubs on a fork and feed them to your thing? Paul, hark. Yeah. Tappy, tappy meatus, searching for grubs. Subficial meatus.

Ooh, where is Paul with my grubby grubs? Here we go. I'm going to feed you. Here we go. Train's coming into the tunnel. Woo, woo. Oh, he's eating it. He's very muscular.

He's got very muscular. He's eating it off the spoon. Oh, he's eating all that hot sauce off the tip of my tunnel. Woo woo. Oh he's eating it. He's very muscular. He's got very muscular He's eating it off the spoon. Oh he's eating all that hot sauce off the tip of my spoon. Your meatus loves hot sauce doesn't he? I thought it was grubs

you were feeding it. It's grubs dipped in hot sauce. And he's slurping them up like the dog from Lady and the Tramp eating spaghetti. Oh come off it.

And they call it Bellen Naughty. Naughty Bellend and just to try and I'm throwing all kinds of shit at you you're just ignoring it at the wall and all the shit

is sticking to the wall and it stinks and the maid isn't in until fucking Monday morning and we have to live in shit and it's above the telly

and I have to look at it and it looks like like fucking Noel Edmonds face my scat splat all over the wall all looks like Noel Edmonds face

look at the drippy droppies down here and the sprickle-sprackle that sort of recreates his stubble there. The shit spots. There is nothing different between that scat splat and Noel Edmonds' tidy beard. Poor.

Oh, did you watch that documentary on Channel 5 about Noel Edmonds the other day? It was on Channel 5 on Saturday, I believe. Everyone told me to watch it, but I was working, so I might play catch-up. I wondered if you'd seen it. I didn't even know Channel 5 still was a thing. I know, I didn't really.

It's probably quite low rent. It's mostly like repeats of cop shows. Columbo, Murder, She Wrote, Diagnosis, Murder, and then like CSI Miami, NCI AST, Crime. But that's my point. I think probably the Noel documentary would probably be quite salacious and sort of trashy. I know John Rons talked on it so i don't know what that says but he talks on every fucking thing but he did that article about noel edmunds uh for the guardian didn't he when he went on the

set of deal or no deal and found out how cult-like it was being right okay so that's where they got him on yeah paul tell us from the shop floor dance floor from the dance floor. Take it away, Mr. Silverman. I'm going to leave. I was DJing the other night. No, can you just not... Get out the way. Get out the way, buddy. Anyway, Paul. Tails from the dance floor.

The shart floor. Tails from the dance floor, everybody. If you're still with us, and I can't believe anyone who hasn't heard the show before is even listening past this point now. They've gone, what the fuck's this?

I reckon everyone who normally listens isn't even listening right now. I could say anything. Paul. I've stopped listening to this podcast. I've decided I'm not going to... I've stopped taking part

in this podcast. My mouth is just blah, blah, blah. Mate, I could argue that's been the case for years now. Paul. In all seriousness, I was DJing the other night. Yes.

And end of the night, it's been successful. People have been dancing all night. And a young lady comes up to me and she... It should be like one of those What Happened Next clips that they do on, like, you know, Question of Sport. And then you've got to... What do you think happens next? You tell some girl that she's not going to get what she wants

and then she goes off either arsed or upset. And so the wheel continues to turn. All right, hear me out. Hear me out. She comes up. She comes over. And I think she's going to have a request of some sort. Of course.

Perhaps a silly request. Do you have ABBA? Yes. Well, funnily, you should say that. Oh, dear. She didn't ask for ABBA, but the one last night did. And she basically, the one last night, got on stage. Wasn't meant to be on stage.

No, they're never meant to be on stage. Scurried up and went, looked over. ABBA, ABBA. I said, get off stage! Get off my stage! No, you didn't. What you did was meekly, awkwardly not look at her and make any eye contact with her. Hoping that the bouncer would do the work for you.

No, I didn't. I said this. I looked at her and went, what contact with her hoping that the bouncer would do the work for you no I didn't I said this I looked at her and went what what and she went Abba and I went no absolutely not

and get off the stage one day you're going to get a person like Bill Murray in a little show about horrors who comes up to you simply for the abuse

so they'll come up to you and say can I ask a question I can't do your voice what's going on So they'll come up to you and say, can I ask a question? I can't do your voice. What's going on? Because my voice has changed. Yeah.

And then he goes, oh, can I ask a question? Can I have a request? And then you go, no, and you berate him. He's like, oh, yes, yes, yes. This young lady comes up to me, Paul, and she doesn't even have a request. Well, she sort of does. She goes goes like this can you play something we know who's we exactly is it her something that you know you know these tracks therefore you're allowed to play terrible i think we both can agree it's a terrible thing to say is she speaking for the venue every single patron is she speaking for who's she speaking for

how dare she how she speak for them? And I just was, I'd already had a few by now, Paul. Yeah. I don't mind admitting to you. So you did something horrendous. And I went, this is my time! Right! You said, this is your time. Yeah, it was. It was the end of the night, you know. It's valid. I'll say that

for you. Can you, can we, the whole exchange went like this. She went, can you play something we know? And I said, this is my time. And she went, okay. And went off. And that's Tales from the Shibba Shibba Shibba Shibba Shop Flo.

If we fed. Shop Flo. If we fed. Shop Flo. If we fed every single one of your anecdotes on Tales from the Dance Floor into an AI machine.

I'd love to do that. And asked it to just create new ones. Not only would it do it very easily, but they'd probably be better than the ones you actually do. Well, this actually happens to me, Paul. I can't... This is actually happens to you.

This is actually happens to me. This is actually happens to you. I can't get over how your face is in silhouette. I like it. I like being a mysterious man. I'm going to go and do something. I'm sweating now. Oh, can we just do the bit where I've got rehearsed, please? What's this bit you've rehearsed? Kenner's Golden Games bit.

We haven't gotten to that bit yet. We're doing it in the next segment. What are we talking about then? Nothing. Let's just stop this segment then. I don't know if we've achieved enough. This is nice. We don't have any admin, really.

You know, the live show's done. It's going to be out in a few weeks. Graham's done a very good job. Thank you, Graham. Oh, you know what might help, Paul? You living a better lifestyle and not drinking all the time to excess when you work, which is unprofessional, if you ask me.

And then bringing that unprofessionalism and hangover to our recording session, which affects the tone and energy of this podcast. So, yeah, do you want me to complain about that? Because I will. No shit every fucking week. Well, then don't be a shit every week. I'm not being a shit.

You are. I'm a being a good. You're not. Right, okay. So now he's an Italian chef. I'm a being a good. He's got a new energy drink. It's called Crazy Horses or something.

It's called fucking Super Horse, mate. Tastes the same. It's just got a different animal on it. I don't know if it tastes the same. It does. That's what I'm filling in a bit of this segment. You have 10 seconds to give it's just got a different animal on it. I don't know if it tastes the same. It does. That's what, I'm filling in a bit of this segment. You have 10 seconds

to give us a taste of that now and move on. Why are you always so pressurised with the taste testing? Just because it's boring and you're boring. I want a second to

appreciate the aroma of this drink. Mate, I've been giving you my appreciative aroma before the recording. You've been guffing all in my face level. Letting out.

And I do it because you set an example for me to follow. I'm just very vulnerable. And I'm so easily taken. So if Daddy Eli lets off... I'm the daddy now, am I? Yeah, you're daddy now. When you do it, it makes me feel I want to be cool and do it too.

I don't let off. You mate, don't you fucking dare. As we both know, Paul, the reality of this is... Every time you try and break wind, it looks like you're going to have a stroke

because the whole left side of your body shuts down and you fucking squeeze one out and you go rigid. You're like Popeye been hit by lightning. At least I don't have a fucking sailor's bumhole

and it all goes flapping in the wind. This is 14 minutes and we've done nothing in these 14 minutes. Your bum sounds like a wet sailor's bumhole and it all goes flapping in the wind. This is 14 minutes and we've done nothing in these 14 minutes. Your bum sounds like a wet sailor's flag. And all I could say

is my arse is flapping in the wind. Anyway, you strew the air with filaments of fucking horrible stringy ghost meat.

Yeah, I was an anal febreze of sin. It fucking lapped up on my nose in a little wave, wavelets. Super horse. Super horse. Drink it wave. Wavelets. Super horse.

Super horse. Drink it now. Have a sip. Super horse. No one's interested in your shit energy drinks. Yes. There's two horses. Yes.

It's called super horse. Right. So which of these is super? The one is... Horse is plural for horse, isn't it? No. Look at those horse over there. No, Paul.

Look at those many horse over there. No one knows that. Have you seen all those horse? It's not true. It's there. No one knows that. Have you seen all those horse? It's not true. It's true. No. Like mice. It's not like mice, sheep or lice.

Look at those horse. That would be nice if that was the case. Horse. Just drink your drink. 15 minutes. We haven't got anything of content wise. Horse cum. It's not horse cum.

It's just the same as Red Bull. They get the taurine from horse cum rather than bull cum. No, they don't. I've looked into this, Paul. This is super horse. This is different. So you're happy to have a mouthful

of horse bunk now then? If it makes me feel better. Go on then. Crazy horses. Right, he's having a sip of his fucking stupid drink. Does it taste of Red Bull? Tastes like Red Bull.

Well, there we go. What a successful segment. Now, apologise. I'm sorry. Who's the daddy? This is the worst fucking ten minutes of my life.

I literally put it in. I literally pull it out. Literally the worst ten minutes of my life. Not in the worst bit we've done on the podcast. This is the worst time I've ever had.

Right, well, fuck you. Fuck this. Let's move on to the star of the show, which is the Ganon's Golden Game. It's going to take up the bulk of this episode. So let's get into it. Say, well, fuck you. Fuck this. Let's move on to the star of the show, which is the Ganon's Golden Game. It's going to take up the bulk of this episode, so let's get into it. Say, don't drink.

Oh, I've just done half the count. Twat. Twat. Twat. Wretched twat. Listen. No, I'm stopping this. I'm stopping this. I'm stopping this I'm stopping this I'm stopping this 17 minutes

I've got to edit this and it's nonsense it's full of shit go on don't interrupt me though I won't but if this displeases me I'm going to bash your metres

into a bloody pub I can't see it you bash my metres in oh what's happening now Paul's bashing my meters in Is that what's happening in the podcast now I'm going to bash it so much Do you want to put something in my arsehole

Do you want to come round the back Mate I'm going to bash it so much It's going to look like a boxer's ear It already does Very much so Like a very muscly boxer's ear I'm going to give you cauliflower cock I wish you would give you cauliflower cock.

I wish you would give me cauliflower cock sometimes. I'll give you a broccoli bellow. Cauliflower cheese cock. What about a broccoli bellow? Cauliflower cheese! Cabbage arse. Just get on with it. Get on with it. Right.

Do you want me to pull the blinds down? I really do. It's very... It's very glary, you know? Put those down and then put the lights on over there. Blinds are now down thanks to the gift of editing. Are you ready? Yes.

This is a little bit, yeah? It's a bit, so... I've been doing this all day, okay? All right? Oh, God. Okay, you ready? Yes, go for it. Hey, who's that? Who's getting? Who? What have you ready? Yes, go for it. Hey, who's that?

Who's getting? Who? What have you got? He's got a gang. It's the same old shit. What does that mean it's time for? It's time for gang old games. Who's that?

Who's getting? Once is enough. Once is enough. Once is all I'm going to take. I have to go through twice. I have to go through twice. Who's that? You said you were going to do it twice.

Here are your options. No, shut up. You can do it twice and then after the second time, I stamp on your meters. Don't fucking shut up about meters. Or you stop now and we carry on with the game

without you having a disfigured cock. No, here we go. It's up to you. You're going to let me go through one time. Who's that? It's going to you. You're going to let me go through one time. Who's that? He's going to... What's he going to do? He's going to...

What's he going to do when he brings me around here? He's going to play again! He's going to go again! He's going to go again! He's going to go again! He's going to go again! Here we are, here we are. He's going to go again. Here we are, here we are. He's going to go again. He's going to stamp on your dick.

Don't fuck off. I'll fucking drink the rest of it. I'll splash you with my soup balls. Open your legs. I'm not opening my legs. I'm going to stamp hard. I'm going to put the heel in. Let's play Gannon's Golden Gains.

I'm going to put the heel in your dick. I gave you the options going to put the heel in. Let's play Gannon's Golden Games. I'm going to put the heel in your dick. I gave you the options. No, you didn't. Let's not. Oh, fuck off. Reader, I married him. The greatest love story ever told. Oh, Gannon's Golden Games, Paul.

Yes, we're doing Gannon's Golden Games. And a few weeks ago, I'd mentioned that there was a game I was after for a long time. And it's been on my bucket list of ganon's golden games and recently i found it online now usually when i've looked for it it's been in pieces so you have to buy loads of pieces to build up one board game and that's how they get you they sell them separately yeah all the different bits well because some people on ebay will go oh we don't if you haven't got those bits here's half a board game that we've got left. You can buy all these bits to complete your selection, you know, your collection.

Anyway, and then the game's gone for like 50, 60, 70 quid sometimes. I got this for £12. So, Paul, sorry. Complete. When you see it for 60, 70, is this because someone has actually bought lots of different bits and put it together? No, it's because they are proud of the fact

that they've got a complete set that is ready to go. It's quite expensive. And looking at it, Paul, you can see why. It's a really delightful looking game. Yeah, what I've got today is called Mall Madness. I've got facts. So it's made by Milton Bradley. And I was wrong.

I did say this came out in 92. But what I didn't know until I read the Wikipedia article is that originally it was a 1988 game and it had no electronic voice component. Right. But this is the latest, so to speak, edition with the electronic voice component. Yeah. The instruction manual, yes, that looks very much like a Nickelodeon or late going live period kind of design, right? Yes. But the actual board itself, the sort of marble effect floor of the mall,

and also all the fonts are very 80s. They are very 80s. You know what? Yeah, I'll give you that. I will give you that. But I think the reboot of the 90s, well, I mean, 1992 is still kind of still with 80s. You know what I mean?

There's still that little bit of 80s hangover to everything at that point. Culturally, yes. It's what we call the long 80s. Yeah. But here's what I didn't know know so it was released in 92 as a reboot it was also given a new design in 96 in 2004 and a redesigned version in 2020 oh uh i believe that's a version of a littlest pet shop or something kind of take on the game littlest pet shop is a brand of toys for kids, tiny little pets. And I think they've rebranded this

to be a Littlest Pet Shop take on the game. Ah, so they're all just different pet shops in the big mall. There's also a Hannah Montana special edition of Mall Madness. So they've done other skins. It must have been quite popular then for... Well, this is what I'm saying, mate.

This is what I said to you before. I reckon we could do a cheap show skin of this. And it's a flea market. There's a charity shop and a bookstore and a record store and a pound land well there's already a record store on this yeah you know what i mean so what fascinates me paul are all of these fonts all the shops have different i have different fonts yeah that suit them and they are classic ones like the card shop is that classic 80s chip and ship... Chip and ship? Fish and chips. Fish and chip shop in the suburbs look.

Yeah. You know, that hand-painted sign look. And the computer store has... I think that font is known as computer or something. Yeah, maybe, or digital, something like that. Because electronics is definitely a digital readout, like a kind of LED calculator. So effectively, just so people are aware,

what this is, is it's a board game that has a 3D toy element because it has a 3D modelled mall built out of plastic segments and things like that. And it's quite elaborate because every single segment comes with a piece of cardboard, which is also the map, the board game piece itself. So yeah, effectively, the board game is part board game where you move around the squares and part kind of toy because it has two levels the lower level and the top level of shops and i think there's about 20 and all something like that and then in the middle there's a bank there's a walkway that connects it and the bank is where you go to take money out and there are two slots in the bank for you to put your credit

card in one to buy things and one to take money out okay and then you press a button it moves you around but i'll tell you the object of the game The object of the game is to be the first player to purchase six items on their shopping list and get back to the parking lot for their final destination to win. Depending on the version of the game, different rules apply.

I'm going to explain the rules to Eli off mic because it's kind of simple, but I can't embarrass myself any further. But effectively, you get some money, you've got a shopping list,

you've got to get six items and then get back to your space. Before the other players. And the computer tells you where to move and how the outcome of sales and things go. Can I just say, the design is delightful. I played it with my partner the other day just to test it out. And it was surprisingly fun to play considering it's quite basic in some respects. It's not challenging in any way.

It's more about how savvy you want to play it or how bluntly you want to play it. Because the thing is, throughout the game, there are sales and clearance sales in certain stores. So strategically, you could race to that store to buy something cheaper. Therefore, you don't have to go to the bank as much to take more money out to complete your shopping.

So there is some strategy. A tiny bit. And then every few minutes, it changes where those sales and clearance sales are. Is the money actually... Yeah, it's like Monopoly money or Game of Life money. You get £200 to start with. And your shopping list is this.

It's a board. Like a little cribbage board. Yeah, that shows you the mall from a top-down view. And you have six pegs. And all those pegs represent your items. So when you buy something, you'll put it in that shop and take it off your list. So you know not to go back there. Because you've bought something there you can't go back

and so if you see it matches up but every shop also has the item and the price so if you go to the card shop for example you can buy a writing set normally it's 45 pound if it's got a sales sign outside the shop it's 25 if it's clearance it's 15 pound so you see but also when you put your credit card in to buy it there's a random factor there because it might say we've run out or there's a long queue miss a go or it will say oh actually there's a clearance on this item or it will say you know it's five pounds more expensive so there's a little bit of last minute oh what's going to happen to it i love the design i really do it's very nostalgic all those pastel purples and blues and reds and stuff.

Yeah, and the outside of the level. Having two levels is very Morley, isn't it? It's going to be a Brent Cross thing. That's the thing. You look at it, it's like Brent Cross the board game in that there's only two people in there and half the shops aren't open. Listen, I was at Brent Cross the other day.

Were you? Yeah. Yeah, were you? Lots of people there. Lots and lots of people. What I love about it, like you said, Cross the other day. Were you? Yeah. Yeah, were you? Lots of people there. Lots and lots of people. What I love about it, like you said, is the artwork, the design. I like the fact that it all gets linked together

with little cardboard pathways and things. So, you know, every space is like a marble slab. It's really lovely. It's a really lovely looking game. I wonder if the updates, I'd really be... Oh, I didn't know there were. I'm going to look into that. Yeah, I'd like to see the artwork.

Because I suppose malls were still a thing into the 90s weren't they oh yeah they were huge 90s hence the film like mall rats for example but the one from or scenes from a mall 2020 you'd imagine is some kind of nostalgic retro mall I bet it's more like a village boardwalk you know it's got that vibe where it's an outdoor shopping mall because it's not inside anymore it's all like a little village of shops they're dead now there are outlet villages look at westfield shopping center for example and box parks and things like that yeah it's there it's it's you know six of one half a dozen of another when it comes to that stuff so we're going to play this right now i'm just going to pop off the mic and tell eli a few more little rules that we'll

talk as we come across them but i'll brief them in advance across them we will talk as we come across them like oh do you like it on your tits that's what i talk and i come across someone anyway would you like it on your tits so let's play the game here's the thing will eli win and think it's the best game ever or will he lose and say it's fucking shit listen let's find out i think it's the best thing ever whatever happens and you can say that i can have that recording of me take that to the bank i will not complain and say it's shit if i lose all right good i'm saying that now paul and also if i win i will not say oh it's the best thing ever in fact i'll do the opposite if i lose i'll say this is the best thing ever if i win i'll say this is a shit piece of shit all right and i'll

get angry you heard it here first yes swap it out out. No, don't do that when you have nothing else to say. Just go, swap it out, chodney, bar off. I haven't said either of those words. Chungus mcdungus. You know, whatever it is that comes out of your fevered brain this week. I am fevered. Yeah? Oh, the super horse isn't touching the sides.

What does that mean? The super horse isn't touching the sides. Yeah, but that makes it sound like a man with a big dick can't penetrate you properly because your arsehole's too baggy. You're the one with a baggy arsehole. You don't. It's like a fucking naval wind. No, it's like someone's pouring sand through a windsock.

It's just crap. Isn't it that kind of sound? Yeah, it's like that. I'm Michael Winslow. I'm an helicopter. Hey, what about this? What's that? Game over.

What about... Right, let's go on. Oh, hi, Eli. Fancy meeting you at the Chodney Mall. Great improvisation, Silverman. Oh meeting you at the Chodney Mall. Oh. Great improvisation, Silverman. Oh, yes, the Chodney Mall. What do they have here? Do they have Chodneys? Do they have Boroughs? What's over there? It's a Klaxony Haran.

No, they... It's a Klaxony Haran. What's he doing all hairy like that? Klaxony Haran? He's got a Mildred. Oh, oh, oh, it's in the river. Paul, I absolutely hate you. I knew you were

going to say that. Because it's like, let's do an improvisation where we tend to meet at the mall. Let's try again. Try again. Sorry,

I didn't know that's what was going to happen. I thought we could play act this whole game. All right. Oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. This is you, isn, oh, oh, oh. This is you, isn't it? It's what you do when you can't think of anything.

You just go, oh. I've got some questions before we do the improvisation. I've already explained the rules to Eli. We'll play it as we go and you'll follow along. Lovely explanation session. I did all right.

Yes. Because it's a simple game in many respects. Oh, you've managed to confuse me about it. Well, that's because you don't listen. I did listen.

You don't. At one point, you were on your phone. And I kept on talking just to be belligerent. Now. Then. Now. Then. How's about that?

Milton Bradley, yeah? Yes. Have they been... Oh. He's not going to sell many ice creams going at that speed. Next. Milton Bradley. Was that also... has Milton Bradley MB games

been absorbed by? It has. Yeah. When did that happen? Like early 2000s, I want to say. I don't think there's any MB. This is probably a Mattel joint or a Hasbro joint now. In fact, it might be Hasbro.

I don't know. They own everything. They own everything. Do you think Hasbro and Disney will join together? You know what? Eventually, one day, there'll be Megacore. You know what I mean? And it will have everything. Do you think Hasbro and Disney will join together? You know what? Eventually, one day, there'll be Megacore. You know what I mean? And it'll have everything. Okay, but

these, I was interested, because you've distributed money. We both start with money. £200 each. And these are Milton Bradley dollars. Well, Milton Bradley is on the middle of them. Yeah. It says non-negotiable. Where the Benjamin Franklin would be, or whoever, the Queen, or whatever. Yeah. Although you wouldn't get the Queen on toy money, would you? You're not allowed to. It says non-negotiable. Where the Benjamin Franklin would be or whoever, the Queen or whatever.

Yeah. Although you wouldn't get the Queen on toy money, would you? You're not allowed to. It's illegal. Yes. Now, it's one-sided. What I'm getting at, Paul, is what other... Milton Bradley seemed to have just Milton Bradley money,

which would be in any game that needed their money. I think it's different from game to game because I don't know if this is similar to go for broke cash. I would have to literally have go for broke cash. It doesn't say anything about malls on this money. No, why would it say so?

It's just got a picture of Milton Bradley. Because it would say mall bucks or whatever, you know, if it was with the game. What I'm trying to get at is if someone was having

some kind of Milton Bradley night, yeah, I could take some of these, get in the game. Hey, where'd you get all that money I don't know

is it kosher is it legit Milton Bradley dollars yes it is so let me play you know what I mean you know what it's an interesting point

I've never heard about anyone you know fudging a Milton Bradley board game because they brought extra cash from their other game this is what I'm getting at this is one of the downfalls of having general play money

that goes across all your titles well maybe it's not the same then. I'm just interested in that point. That's all I'm saying. I'd have to look at it again. Okay, thank you.

You know what I mean? Thank you very much. Thanks for addressing my issues there. And now, Paul. Yes? Time for the improvisation. No, one last thing.

We also get a bank card and that bank card is what you put in the slot to buy or take money out of the bank. Mine says Eurobank. What does yours say? I am already fucking bored of this.

Can I buy some chodneys here, sir? That's two pound of chodneys to the ounce. Okay, I would like half an ounce. Put it in my bag. Not that bag. Ball bag, sir. Right, I'm stopping this. Hi, Eli.

Hi, Paul. I can't believe you're at the mall the same time I am. Well, I've been walking. Have you? Where have you been walking from? Down the road. Come up here. God, your improvisation sucks. It don't.

It does. Don't say no to me, then. Do you mean no? Don't say no to what I suggest. I've come up the road from down there, and I've come up here. Come round here? No. Have you come round here? Oh, he's mixing it up for the new generation. I've got a real rind on.

Paul, and I'm very excited. Do you want to snap my rind off? Hey, you. I've got to get out of here, Paul, and I'm very excited. Do you want to snap my rind off? Hey, you, I've got to get out of here soon, so I'm going to buy six items and then get out of here before you. I bet I can do that because I'm a better shopper. That's improvisation. I don't think you... That's how you set the game up and still keep the rules of the game going,

in the improvisation. I don't think you can. I think I could probably beat you in that hypothetical challenge. Well, let's find out then, because I'm going to go to the mall and buy six things before you. I think you can. I think I could probably beat you in that hypothetical challenge. Well, let's find out then, because I'm going to go to the mall and buy six things before you. I bet I can buy six things before you. Well, I reckon we put it to the challenge. I think we fucking should.

This is Mall Madness. Got your credit card? It's Mall Madness. Sale at the shoe store. The new shop till you drop game that really talks. Sale at the fashion boutique. It's all the fun of a shopping spree. With Mall Madness, you get it all. A bank account and your own credit card.

Seren at the sunglass boutique. Mall Madness really talks. To win, buy everything on your list and be first out of the mall. I win! Attention mall shoppers. Mall Madness. The electronic shopping game that really talks. From Milton Bradley.

It's the mall with it all. Paul. I'm fucking great at this. What's the mall called, though? Chodney Borage. The Chodney Chorage. The Chodney Mall. The Chodney Village Mall.

Is it the Maglev Chodney Village Mall? Hello, I'm Maglev Spavastian. Hi, this is the Maglev Borodney Village Mall. Hello, I'm Maglev Sebastian. This is the Maglev Borage Potato Falls. Words have literally lost their meaning on this podcast, and it's deeply frustrating. I'm Maglev Sebastian, and I believe in porridge. Get your storage out of there.

Right, well, let's go shopping in the mall. Twisting around in my pants. It's so big in here. It's so overwhelming. Oh, it's got that lovely smell as well, Paul. Right, now, yeah, it's got that smell of... What is that smell? Like polish. New car smell mixed with polish.

Brasso and winderlein. And a magazine smell. Magazine colour. Flutter, flutter, flutter. Flutter, flutter,lein. And magazine smell. Magazine colour. Flutter, flutter, flutter. Flutter, flutter, flutter. I'm Michael Winslow. Voice comic. You are not.

Voice prop comic. Right, so let's begin the game. So to set it all off, I press the game on, and then what's going to happen is it's going to rotate through the players, and I just press the button down of the ones that are going to be playing. Fine, if you say so. Here we go. No. Now it knows there's only two players. There's a clearance at the jewellers, Paul.

Card shop. Card shop. And at the shoe shop. Shoe shop, which is... Where's the shoe shop? Red move four shop red move four red move four now wait

that's me just a quick thing if we skip it or we didn't hear it because we were talking you can press the question mark and it repeats the last item so you move your character

four places anywhere you want to go what am I trying to do again buy six things anywhere you like but look where the sales are maybe you want to go there and save a bit of money

yes I do so how many four did it say it says you can move four forwards or backwards not diagonally where you like, but look where the sales are. Maybe you want to go there and save a bit of money. Yes, I do. So, how many? Four, did it say? It says you can move four. Forwards or backwards, not diagonally, and you can't retrace your steps within the same move.

No, if you want to go into the boutique, you could have gone straight in because the doors are at the side. I don't know. I can't see the fucking doors. Look properly. Look where the etchings are. So you can go...

Can I start again, please? Yes, I'll let you go into the fashion boutique to buy your first item. Right, you're into the fashion boutique to buy your first item. Right, you're in the fashion boutique, Eli. What does it say on your card that you can buy there, in that red one, your shopping list card? I like to hold mine in the same orientation as the thing so I can see it.

So what have you got in the fashion boutique available? A jacket. How much is the jacket? Well, full price, 80. All right. Sale price, 50. Right, and then the clearance price is 30, right Well, full price, 80. All right. Sale price, 50. Right, and then the clearance price is 30, right? That's right, yeah.

So, first thing you do before you spend a single bit of money is you take your credit card and you put it in the buying slot, which is the one nearest you. Why, what's going to happen then? It will tell you if you're successful, if you get it cheaper. Do I want to do that? Well, already, already. No, it's already 50 quid, right, because it's on sale.

Yeah. Okay, but the card tells you if you get an extra bonus. I might get an extra bargain. We'll put it in. Extra discount. Into the buying slot. Yeah. Eat my card.

Special clearance. So that means you pay for it with £30 instead. See what I mean? That's why you have to put the card in. Because it's an extra... So you give me £30 and you put the pay. Why do I give it to you? Because I'm the bank.

So I'm going to put it there. I'll put it over there. Well, I hope you like your jacket, sir, at Fashion Boutique. It's the latest trend. It's got a nice lining. Yes, quick, put it in. Because if we talk too long, it turns itself off. So give me £30.

I can't see. I hope you wear the jacket with pride. Well, can I leave with it on? Yeah, if you want. Yeah. Right, that's just ending your go. Now it's my go. Greens, move nine. Oh, I moved nine spaces. Where are you going to go? Look, there you want. Yeah. Right, that's just ending your go. Now it's my go. Greens, move nine.

Oh, I move nine spaces. Where are you going to go? Look, there's clearance. At the clearance. That's the cheapest shop, and I can't wait to get my hands on earrings for £50. I'm going to go in. Right, here's my credit card. Oh, you're the man in the jewellers.

Hello, I'd like to buy some earrings, please. I don't think we've got anything in your price range. Well, let me see. I've got the Eurobonk card. Oh, you're the man in the jewellers. Hello, I'd like to buy some earrings, please. I don't think we've got anything in your price range. Well, let me see. I've got the Eurobonk card. I'll have to call security. No, hang on. Don't go crazy, mate. Fucking hell. Here we go. Special sale. Special sale. That's the same as clearance,

so I pay. No, it means it goes sale price, not clearance price. Alright, then I tell you what. We'll go by your rules. So if you lose, I've done everything you've said. All right? Okay, no. Fine. I've lost me place now.

Where was it? Jewellers. Where's the fucking jewellers? There. No. Yeah. I've got... All right, I've bought...

Clearance. £10 for the earrings, then. Wow, on clearance. £10. So I'm going to pay that. Where's me money? There's your money. All right, here we go.

£10 in the bank. I'm watching you. £10, thank you, kind sir, for the earrings. Oh, you did have enough. Well, don't come back here because we don't like the look of you. I won't come back because I've put the card in me thing, so I don't need any more earrings. If it was up to me...

All you do is sell fucking earrings here. It's shit. If it was up to me... It's a shit jewellery shop. Well, if it was up to me, we wouldn't serve your kind. Racist. You don't know what character I'm playing. And without saying anything, you're a racist.

Right, next go. Your go. Uh-oh. What have you done? Attention shoppers. There is a clearance at the fashion boutique. Oh! There is a sale at the electronics shop.

That's it. And at the phone shop Phone shops, yeah So you see They're both on the top level, those two Yeah Move nine Nine So you can't stay in the fashion boutique

Even though there's a clearance sale on But you can go nine spaces Where are the lifts? Right there I'm right by the lift In the fashion boutique And the department store Either end of the mall

Which are the biggest shops You can go straight up in one move to the top layer. So you can go up. But I can't buy anything here with a clearance because I've already got something. If you're in a shop and you've just bought something, you can't stay in that shop. How many moves do I take to get on to there?

It's one to take the lift. That's one. You've got eight more. Oh, he's gone past the record stop. Back one. That's not... Fuck off. That's not...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Back one space. No, I'm here. Look. Wait. Fucking doing it. Listen. One. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Thank you.

Nine. It said move nine. Hang on. Red, move nine. Right, fine. Fucking fat-mouthed cunt. Yeah, we saw that. It's just repeating that again. That's right.

I'm there. Right, my go. Next. Green, move five. Green, move five. Yeah, you can't do fuck all, can you? Fucking just walk in the middle. Oh, I'm going to go to the department store.

One, two, three, four, five. And I'm going to buy something while I'm in the department store because I'm lush to go to the department store. One, two, three, four, five. And I'm going to buy something while I'm in the department store because I'm lush with the cash. Oh, there's a jacket going for 80 quid. Oh, no, wait, there's the wrong one. There's a lamp for 100 and 10. Dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar. Dollar count.

I'm going to fucking go for it. Let's see what happens. And he's putting the buying slot. Special clearance. Special clearance. Special clearance. What does that mean? I get the jacket for £30. Ka-ching-a-loid.

It's not a jacket. It's a lamp. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. £40. Thank you very much. Yeah, £40. Fucking, if I wasn't fucking here watching you,

you fucking cheating wanker. I'm not cheating. I just looked at the wrong end of the board. You've got no spatial sense. I just looked at the wrong end of the board. You keep looking at the wrong end of the board. You've got no spatial sense. I just looked at the wrong end of the board. You keep looking at the wrong end of the board. Right. I've bought two things now.

I've got a lamp and that. So, my end of my go. Oh, that was a great shop. Thank you. I didn't have to deal with a prick, racist customer service person. Your go. Red move five. Red move five.

Oh, he's in the electronics shop. Right. So, what's in the electronics shop? A tape deck. That's nice. Hello, sir's in the electronics shop. Right, so what's in the electronics shop? A tape deck. That's nice. Hello, sir. I'm Bob Electronics at Bob's Electronics Shop. What can I interest you in?

It's the other one here. Alan got five because he's a racist. There's quite a lot of racists who work in this mall. It's fucking packed with racists. I'm merely a sexist, sir. Oh, I see. Luckily, I'm a guy. Oh.

Come on. What would you like? I want a tape deck, please. That'll be £150, but put your money in the card in the machine and see what you can get. I might get a discount. I'll be prepared to buy it anyway. It's not cheap, Skye. The £5 mall.

£5 mall. So that's going to be... Fuck off. Yes, I'm sorry. Because the cost of living has gone up, Eli, I have to charge you £155. Can I back out now? No, you have to commit to it now.

Oh, fuck this. I don't want it. So £155, please. I don't want to buy it off you either. I like Alan. Unfortunately, I've put your card through the machine. Alan's a racist. No, he's not.

The racist works in the jewellery shop. That's a different racist. Again, lots of racists here in this store. I can't read the numbers. Oh. 155. Put the big light on if you want, granddad. We're meant to be hot young teens shopping in the morning, the 90s.

I haven't got it. What happens if I haven't got it? You have 150 quid. 155, right? No, I don't. How much have you got? 20, 30, 40, 50. I tell you what, I'll take the 150 then. No, I don't. How much have you got? 20, 30, 40, 50. I'll tell you what, I'll take the 150 then.

No, you won't take shit. I won't be cheated. I'm just saying. I will not be patronised by you, Paul. Here's your fucking money. Give me my tape deck. You just put it in. There you go, sir.

There's your tape deck. Put your peg in your hole. Tell Alan the meeting's off. Sorry. Sorry. Wow. No, shut up! I'm not. He wasn't trying to... Get out of my shop, racist! I got rid of Alan for that shit.

The guy in the Julu shop's not a racist. He's a snob. Right. Slight difference. My go. Uh-oh. Attention, shoppers. There is a clearance at the record shop. Oh. There is a sale at the men's shop.

Oh. And at the computer shop. Oh, the sales and clearances have moved. Green. Move five. Oh, five. Where am I going to go? I'm going to go up one.

One, two, three, four, five. I'm just hanging out now at the end of my go. You were already in the department store, were you? Yeah, but I went up one to the top level. You all go. Red, move six. Red, move six. You're going into the record shop.

Oh, there's a clearance. All right there, mate. I used to be in the band Chilli Monkeys, but now I own a record shop because I'm an absolute failure. I've got all of Chilli Monkeys but now I own a record shop because I'm an absolute failure. I've got all of Chilli Monkeys records. Did you buy the one that was on a limited edition picture disc? No, I never

got the picture disc. Do you have one of those? No, not enough people bought them so we had to put them in the bin. Were you just the guy who danced around in Chilli Monkeys? No, I mean I did but I wrote the lyrics and I sung the song and I danced as a one man band. I was like the Foo Fighters' first album. I did all the music, I did all the songs,

but ultimately the drugs... Mate, I might not have enough money. Mate, you shouldn't have gone to the shop in the first place. It's clearance, though. Yeah, well, no. What can I get? It's a record. It's £10. Hey!

But you've got to put your card in the slot first. Oh, don't fuck me. The card fucks me. Put it in the slot. If it says more than an extra fiver... You should have gone to the bank first, shouldn't you? Well, go to the bank after this. Go on, put it in the slot. If it says more than an extra fiver. You should have gone to the bank first, shouldn't you? Well, I'll go to the bank after this. Put it in the slot.

I'm on the right level for the bank. Put it in the slot. I'm going to own you. Put it in the slot. That means it's a successful sale. Give me ten quid. Thank you very much. What am I buying?

A record? Your record. Yeah, my new album. You've just bought a limited edition picture disc of the Chilli Monkeys album Slapdash Fashion. I'm going to hear a song from it. Go on then. Oh, I got no job and I'm off the top. You get the gist of that joke.

Right. Okay, so Eli's going to have to go to the bank next then. Let me get my peg in my thing here. Alright, so I'm going to end your go. My go. Green, move 11. Oh, 11. I'm going straight to the computer shop. 1, 2, 3, 11. I'm going straight to the computer shop. One, two, three, four. Right, I'm in the computer shop.

So I'm in the electronics shop, Eli, and I'd like to buy a tape deck, please, sir. We're in the computer shop, Paul. Oh, a computer. Oh, where's that then? I'm moving this fucking board. Fucking get it right, you twat. Oh, there's a computer game I'd like to buy, and it's 100 quid.

You ain't got 100 quid, mate. I fucking do have 100 quid. Well, stick a thing in the thing and make sure... You're the computer shop man. Hello there. I'm the computer shop man. Hello. Are you a racist? No, I just, uh, I just, uh, do computers and stuff. I'm very, um... Oh, so you're into kiddie porn then, online?

I'm a little liberal-minded. Yeah, kiddie porn online. I like feist... You're like that guy from The Who who wrote a book that no one ever saw. I like when ladies use... Right, I'm just going to put the card in, all right? Mechanical... Here we go.

Oh, it went through. Oh, £100. Well done. Right, hang on. £10, £50, £60, £70, £80, £90, £100. There we go. I need to double check that shit. And I'm going to put that, my peg, in.

Oh, what a lovely computer game. Oh, no. What's that? It's the Grand Theft Auto Collection Limited Edition. That buggy as fucking doesn't work. Yes, I'm afraid so. Oh, I've been hadunked. But can I interest you in some wide-open vaginas using mechanical inference?

Can we do it after? Wanking in a computer shop. Get back in your shop. Over internet porn. Oh, I shouldn't have been warned. Yeah, get back in your shop, Johnny Squires. That there's a problem on the website. Listen, no one wants to hear your fucking song.

All right, okay. Your go. Uh-oh. Attention shoppers. There is a clearance at the department store. That one. There is a sale at the opticians. Opticians is here.

And at the kitchen shop. And the kitchen shop. There, top floor. Okay. Red move three. Red move shop. There, top floor. Okay. Oh, wait. Red, move three. Red, move three. Oh, that's not good. You're going to have to go to the bank, mate, really, to get money out.

So you're going to have to go along the top floor. There you go. My go. Green, move ten. Move ten. One, two, three, four, five, six. I'm going to the bank. Oh, he's going to the bank.

I'm just going to get some cash out of the bank. Put it in the other slot. Yeah, I'm going to get some cash out. Let's see what reddies I get. to the bank. Oh, he's going to the bank. I'm just going to get some cash out of the bank. Put it in the other slot. Yeah, I'm going to get some cash out. Let's see what reddies I get. Take £75. £75 from the bank. That's good, isn't it? £50.

There we go. Lovely stuff. Oh, I'm full of cash. And that's the end of your go, yeah? That's the end of the go. So I press the back and then your go. Red. Move 10.

Move 10, Eli. Right, you can go to the bank now I can go back So you put it in the other one In the other slot yeah Get some cash out This is a fun game Isn't it fun

It really is good Really is good And it's great this Because this game is great fancy Because you're about to put your card in the machine And there's going to be money in it For you to take stuff out That's got to be new for you

Isn't it It's got to be new What's it like putting a card in a bank machine And getting cash out of the ATM Shut up Stop this characterisation of me. Six, 50 pounds. 50.

Do you want it in tens or do you want a 50? Just give us a crispy 50, man. I met a girl called Crispy 50 once. Oh, yeah. What did she do? What did she do? She liked crisps. She liked crisps.

And she liked 50 bags of them a day. And her fanny was stinky. You're right, OK? Is that what you want? I did. I did want that, yes. Right, my go. Green, meet all shoppers at the bank.

Oh, we're at the bank already. So what happens? Now when the computer says that, we'd all have to go to the bank. We're all at, both at the bank. So we stay where we go and it's your go. Oh no, we have to get cash out I think. Alright, we go if we get cash out. We both get cash out.

Green, take 50 pounds. Alright, take 50. I'm gonna take two 20s and a 10. Okay. Now do I get to... I think so, yeah. Do I go straight in the hole? No, I think you put it straight in the hole. Yeah. Yeah, put it straight in.

Yeah, put it straight in. Stick it right in. Stick it in now. Stick the slot right in. Shall I spit round the edges? Is that what your meters looks like? That bank slot? Very much like that, yeah. Without all that torn meat around it. Put your card in, get some cash out.

Hey. Go on. Hey! Calm down. Go on. Ridd, take 75. 75, please. 50, 60, 70. 5, 6, 7, 8.

That's right! Brr brr brr brr brr. Brr brr brr brr. That's the machine paying out. I'm Michael Winslow. Right. Your go. Rick, move to the toilet.

Move to the toilet. That's Eli's drinking. That's right, move to the toilet. Move to the toilet. Oh, the mic backed back again. Right, next go. Attention shoppers, there is a clearance at the sports shop. Sports shop. There is a sale at the pet shop. The shop. There is a sale at the pet shop.

The what shop? Pet. At the camera shop. Green. Move. Eight. Where's camera? Oh, there.

So let me do that one again. Green. Move. Eight. There is a clearance at the sports shop. Sports. There is a sale at the pet shop. Pet shop.

At the camera shop. Pet shop. Camera shop. Sports shop. Yeah? Yeah. I'm in the camera shop. Are you going to buy something in the camera shop. Spot shop. Yeah? Yeah. I'm in the camera shop. You're going to buy something in the camera shop.

Oh, this is a nice camera shop. There's some Nikons in there and a Canon O2. What a nice camera shop. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. What? Look, I don't know who you are, okay, but we've had some theft in here. Is it because I'm a scouter?

Do you think I'm going to nick stuff? I'm not saying anything like that. I'm just saying we've had some shoplifting mate i'm good for the money i'm not going to make anything i promise i promise you if you want something you just tell me i open the cabinet well i'd like to have to see the ready i want to see that pocket camera in the window it's 100 quid have you got the money yeah i got the money look here's the money over first no i've got to put me a card on slot, don't I? All right. I hope it charges you extra. Out of stock. Oh!

Oh! Sorry, sir! Oh, it's out. I can't do that for you. That's just a display model. You'll have to go down to the other part. I'm not shopping here again, because you're obviously a racist. I'm not a racist. You obviously are.

You took delight in that. You racist. It's out of stock. There's nothing I can do. You racist, racist. There's nothing I can do. Right, here we go. Your go move seven eli you're in the toilet the toilet you've been there a while i've already blown out your gasket oh where do

you want to go there's the pot you can go anywhere you don't have to go to anywhere the sail on but the pet shop is up there that's got a sail sale on. How many spaces was it? Eight? Red. Move. Seven. Seven. So I think you can get to the pet shop in seven. Can I? Oh, no.

One, two, three, four, five. No, you can't. You don't have to go. Do you want to go out here? No, because that's like a plant seating area, so you have to go around. It's a nice seating area. Can we just hang out there? No, because the game will turn off if we take too long.

I'd like a cappuccino and just sit around. I mean, it's up to you. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Can I buy something at the department store? You can go in the department store and buy something. Yeah, of course you can. So you can go straight in there. Four, five.

You're in there. It's all right. I'm in there. Yeah, you can shop anywhere. But obviously you want to go to the sale places. Oh, this is very nice, isn't it? Yes, it's very nice. Oh, it smells of perfume.

Oh, it's very nice in here. They've been blowing a bit of perfume around the kiosk, ladies. Oh, welcome to Thrillies. Thrillies is a lovely up-class... Why are you here? Are you some kind of maitre d'? I work here, yes. How can I help you?

What would you like, sir, in our lovely shop? We have a jacket. I don't think that's very realistic. We have a lamp. Would you like a lamp, sir? Can I lamp you? You don't have a jacket. You only have a lamp.

What do you have? What's in the department that you'd like, sir, to buy? I want the lamp, please. Well, the lamp, I believe, is £100. Have you got £100? Because you look like a horrible human being.

It's £110. Is it? You can't read, can you? Because we have different prices and things on here. So it says... Mine says £100. So whose price are we going by?

It's yours, but I keep forgetting that we've got different things on. Why have we got different prices on our boards? Because that's how the game works. Those other two have different prices and items as well. I see. I do have 110, but I'm hoping for a discount.

You might get a discount. Can I sit my slot in the slot? Go ahead, sir. The lamp is yours if you can afford it. Long queue. Long queue. Get to the back, sir. I knew as much. You're going to have to wait. We don't have the time to serve the likes of you, sir.

Why? To serve the likes of you, because you're obviously a vagrant of some sort. Wow, this whole place is so snotty. Yeah, well, we- Won't be coming back here. That's why the ball is dying. What does it mean? I can't buy it this turn? Yeah, you can't buy it. It's like, lose a turn.

Oh, fuck this. So, uh, get out the store, you, uh- Oh, no! I'm allowed to queue, thank you! You meaty chungus. Right, bye. My go. Uh-oh. Attention shoppers, there is a-oh. Attention, shoppers.

There is a clearance at the card shop. Right. There is a sale at the chemist's. Chemist's is over here. And at the bookshop. Bookshop. Bookshop is... Three, move nine.

Nine spaces. Everything's been moved round, so I'm going to head to the card shop, I guess. Can you get there? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Oh, just in. I'm just in the... Oh, a card shop.

Oh, I've got to get a card for my birthday. Hello, sir. What occasion are you celebrating? We've got everything. Mother's Day, Father's Day. I don't have a mother. I don't have a father. Sister's Day.

I don't have any family. How? That really hurts. I can't believe you knew about the accident that took my family from me. I'm the only survivor. Self love day. Self love day. Happy wanking day. That's more up my speed.

Fottage do you like it day. Oh I know. I have one of those self love days. There's a new one. New cards have come in today. Oh I've just seen this card now. Give yourself a hand this day. Yes, that's all we have. Oh, I get that.

It's also been to like a round of applause. It's a very popular line, the wanking card line. What's this card say? Yeah. You've come over all queer. Yes. Oh, I don't know about that card. Right, anyway, I'd like to buy a writing set, please.

Oh, we don't have those. No, you do. I'm going to put that in. We'll find out. I've got... Hey, £45't have those. No, you do. I'm going to put that in. We'll find out. I've got... Hey, £45. Can I interest you in a card that says, I have a banana up my arse, would you like a smoothie?

Yes, I would, actually. Right, I've got a card. I've got my writing set. Oh, I've got four items out of six, Eli. How are you doing? I've got three items. Right, your go. Red items out of six, Eli. How are you doing? I've got three items. Right, your go. Red, move six.

Six spaces. Now, where are you going to go? You could theoretically go to the jewellers. The thing is, they're going to swap the sales sides around, aren't they? I don't think you can quite reach there. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I can't reach there. I'm going to be stuck there. You could go buy something in the toy shop. Again, there's no sale on, but you could buy something. Ah, that's likely to be cheap, isn't it? That's the thing. You can even make many stops at least eight. I'm just going to be stuck there. You could go buy something in the toy shop. Again, there's no sale on, but you could buy something. Ah, that's likely to be cheap, isn't it?

That's the thing. You can even make many stocks in the bank. I'm going to go to the toy shop and buy something. Hello! I'm Wackabongo, the toy shop owner in the magical top shop toys. Oh, that's great. What have you got for me in here? Would you like a giant teddy bear, sir?

Is that all that you have? Aye. That's not much of a fucking shop, then, is it? No. Well, the stock's been tough because of the cost of living's gone up, sir. The stock has been... Oh! I'm Paul Daniels.

Go a bit, do a bit. Come a bit, round a bit. Ha, ha, this away. My, oh, my. He learnt to wank a bit. Then he got a spoff a bit. My, oh, my. Wank, wank this away. Then he got a spuff a bit. My, oh, my. Wank, wank this away.

Wank, wank that away. Wank, wank this away. My, oh, my. Then he had a little Josh. What a Josh? Not a Josh. It was a little, little Josh all over my chest. Right, come on.

So, it's a teddy bear, and I believe it's £50, right? That's how much you pay there, isn't it? Yeah. I'm just trying to find it. Put your card in it's at the top of the shop it's the department store

above the department store it's that one at the far end yeah so for me it should be 50 quid so put your card

in it might be cheaper might be more expensive I hope it doesn't fuck me again like the guy in the department store did remember to go to

the bank if you've got no money oh have I got 50 have you got 50 yeah alright I'll give it a go in the card machine you couldn't fucking buy. Oh, have I got fifty? Have you got fifty? Yeah. Alright, I'll give it a go in the card machine. I couldn't fucking buy anything in the department store, but all my money... Oh no, we'll go and see if we can get it.

Here we go. There you go, perfect sale. Fifty quid, you can put a peg in a hole. I'm putting a peg in. Right. Er, right. There we go. Uh oh, here we go.

Attention shoppers, there is a clearance at the electronics shop. go electronics is there toy shop jewelers which is here oh it's all been moved around electronics at the clearest 10 green move 10 you're miles away from anything, though. I know. I'll tell you what. I'm going to go. How much money have I got? I've got 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120. Fucking loads, mate.

30. Because I've been buying carefully. No, you fucking haven't. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Oh, you're just in the middle of nowhere. Just in the middle of nowhere. I'm just hanging out. There's no food court.

I want to go to the food... Oh, there's a pizza place, I guess. There's a pizza place. But if you buy a pizza, it doesn't count towards your items. Right, Eli, your go. Red, move four. Four. Where do you want to go, Eli?

What's this? You're a pharmacist. You can go to the chemist if you want. Yeah, I could do with some... One, two, three, four. You can't get into the chemist, though. You can't go to the department store because you've already bought something.

So you're going to have to go to the wilderness. What's the advantage of getting pizza? The pizza is... Basically, if you want to go to the bank and you want to take two trips to the bank, you have to go to a shop first before you can go back to the bank. So the pizza allows you to do that

without having to spend 50, 60, 70 quid at the shops. You can just spend £5 on a pizza and then go back to the bank. I just want to go to the department store. Yeah, but have you bought something in the department store already? Oh, okay, then you can go there. Cool. I didn't manage it, did I? Because he said go to the back of the queue. Oh, it's you again, sir! What I've done, very cannily, I've gone upstairs.

He's gone up and down and back down. Got toys. Well, the queue might have gone down now, hasn't it? Yeah, I hope that... Oh, it's you, sir, is it? Hello? I want to buy... The likes of you. You still want to buy that lamp, do you?

I fucking do. It's a sexy lamp. I haven't got enough money for it. Mate, we're... I knew this was going to fucking happen. Stop that. You need to go to the lamp, do you? I fucking do. It's a sexy lamp. I haven't got enough money for it. Mate, I knew this was going to fucking happen. You need to go to the bank, mate. Get the fuck out the shop. Oh, fuck you. Now I go.

Green, move to the car park. Oh, I've got to go to the fucking car park. Yeah, go to the fucking car park, you wanker. Fuck off. Me now. Because there's a dog in... Green, move, eight. Eight. I would go to the bank, mate.

You have to go to the bank. So it's here. One, two. No, no. It's either that or that. Come here. You can't come out the front because look at this. I've come around the plant.

You can't climb over the wall. You've got to go round. So it's one, two or one, two. You go eight. Remember, there's the bank. One, two, four, five, six, seven, eight. Right. Good.

On the stairs to the bank. Green. Move seven. Seven. Right, good. On the stairs to the bank. Green, move seven. Seven? Have I gone to the jewellers? I've already bought some of the jewellers. I can't go there. So, eight, did it say? So I can go one, two, three, four.

I can go to the toy shop. One, two, three, four, five. In the toy shop. Oh, hello, sir. Oh, we've only got teddy bears. Oh, do you know what? I'll just go out. I just don't want to do this. You don't want to do this? No, hang on. I'm going to go to the shop. Oh, hello, sir. Oh, we've only got teddy bears. Oh, do you know what? I'll just go out. I just don't want to do this. You don't want to do this? No, hang on. I'm going to go to the shop.

I'd like a teddy bear, because my love of my life loves teddy bears, and I'd like to buy her a lovely teddy bear. Do you want special haul in teddy bear? Does it come with one? It does. Or can I make my own? It comes with a velvet pocket. I'll buy two.

This one's been used already, so drippy, drippy. I can smell the leavings. Is it your dropping, sir? Yes, it is mine. Then I consider this to be a gift from the gods. Kiss the smelly hole on the teddy bear. I'm going to buy something now. Don't put it in the wrong slot.

Pay five pounds more. Five pounds more, please. put it in the wrong slot. Pay £5 more. £5 more, please. That's for the special pocket. So, £55. £50. And £5. There we go. £50.

£5. And I put a little peg in and I get my little teddy bear. He's only one peg away from completing. I'm only one peg away from a full shop. You are. Eli, sure, go. Uh-oh. Attention shoppers. There is a clearance at the men full shop. You are. Eli, sure, go. Uh-oh. Attention, shoppers.

There is a clearance at the men's shop. Men's shop. There. There is a sale at the shoe shop. Shoe shop. Oh, blow.

And at the fashion boutique. Fashion boutique? Oh! Fashion boutique! Right. Red, move seven. Seven. You're at the bank.

Right, so now you put your card in this right slot and take some cash out. I'd like to take some cash out, please. All right. Take 50 pounds. Give us 50. Insufficient funds. Shut up.

Green, move seven. Move seven. Right, I could just fucking tie this up. How much money have I got left? 50, 60, 70, 80, 90. No, no, it's 40, 50 60 70 80 90 no that's 40 50 60 75 that's enough for something where am I am in the toy shop I could go to the chemist know the perfumes 100 quid it's a hundred phone shop is 60 quid and I

how much was it move seven I'm gonna go the I may going to go the... I may as well go the... Yeah, I may as well go the phone shop. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Well, I'm not quite in there. You're not in there yet. But I'm outside the door looking through the window, mulling over the prices. Now, when was this from? Late 80s, early 90s, the original version. Were they already phone shops then?

I mean, maybe. Look, I mean, they're not mobile phones. They're just like landline stuff. So I imagine it's just like a telecom type thing. I don't remember those existing. I thought they sold them in the other... Maybe it's an American thing? This is obviously American board game for American teen girls, by and large.

Because I remember them just being available in the electronics shop. Like Dixon's or, you know, Tandy or whatever. Not having a separate shop until the advent of mobiles, Paul. Yeah. Red move seven. Red move seven. Red move seven. Where do you want to go? Well, you could theoretically...

Go towards the clearance. Oh, he's going in the computer shop. Hello, sir. It's me, Alan Twat. I run the computer store. Would you like a video game for £100? It's Grand Sex Bash Violence 7. Would you like it?

Yes, please. Well, put your card in the slot, sir. See if it works. Special sale. So that means you get it for the clearance. The sale price? Yeah. How much is that?

The sale price for my computer game, £35. Ah, £35 then. I hope you enjoy the game. Give me change. I'll give you £50. There you go, sir. There's your change.

I hope you enjoy it and spend it wisely. I'm off to go round the back and watch some VHS stuff of stuff I've filmed secretly in my Chuck Berry collection. Mechanically opened for Jar Jar's. I've got my Chuck Berry collection. Oh, it's mechanically filled with

poo-poo for Jar Jar's. Adolescent Sasquatch. It's all bleeding through. Right, my go. Oh, no. Attention, shoppers. There is a clearance at the opticians. Opticians, yeah. There is a sale at the phone shop.

Oh! And at the record shop. Record shop's up there. All right, you're right there. Oh, I've gone into the phone shop. Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Yeah, I think, Paul, you're going to win. I can see you closing in on victory here.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Hello, sir. I'd like to buy... Well, we've only got phones. It's a phone shop. Do you have any telephones? Yeah, we do, yeah. Yeah, we've got some white telephones.

We've got red telephones. We've got blue telephones. We've got Norwegian telephones, sir. We've got Japanese telephones sir we've got Japanese telephones we've got British telephones I'm playing this person who works on this show I was doing a Monty Python sketch

we've got some lovely phones we've got some horrible phones we've got some big phones small phones all the phones sir would you like a phone that calls India would you like a phone

that calls India that calls you back sir would you like that that's Python in a nutshell no it's not it is it is so how much is it

it's 60 quid but this is a sale so it's 40 potentially. Let's put my card in the slot. Put that card in the slot. Put that card in the slot. Long queue. Try again. Fuck you.

Fuck you. That's what happens when I take the piss out of Python. You do. Right, your go. Red, meet all shutters at the bank. Oh, we're going to the bank. You go straight to the bank. Yeah.

And now we take some money out, so you put your card in first. Red, take 50 pounds. 50. There you go. My go. I'm going to put some reddies in. Green, take 50 pounds.

I'll take 50. Green, move four. Four. That's going to get nowhere. I'll tell you what, I'm 50. Green, move four. Four. That's going to get nowhere. I'll tell you what, I'm going to go down the steps of the bank. Red, move eight. Eight spaces for Mr. Red. Where do you want to go?

Oh, he's going up towards the camera shop. Oh, he's in the camera shop. Hello. Would you like a camera shot? Would you like a camera? Would you like a camera? I'll take pictures of pretty ladies. I would like a camera, but it's not for that. I make VHS tapes.

I just... I make VHS tapes for Chuck Berry. Oh, God. What's your name? Mr. Creatively Bankrupt? I don't have a name for it. I don't have a name for it. Do you, then? Mr. Flappy Mouth Arsehole. Oh, you know your name? Mr. Creatively Bankrupt? I don't have a name for it. Mr. Flappy Mouth Arsehole?

You know my name! What do you want, a camera? Yeah. Pocket camera? 100 quid. Have you got 100 quid? I do. Well, then put your card in the slot.

Put your card in the slot, see how it goes. Just into the fucking bank. I bet I get a discount as well. That's because I've used them and they're all a bit dirty. I've got to clean them before we get out of here. Right, I'm getting out of here. There's a smell of Niffy Willie. It's not just that.

Right. Might go. Oh, no. Attention, shoppers. There is a clearance at the pet shop. Pet shop? Pet shop. There is a sale at the computer shop.

There. The shop. There. Next door. Oh, so put that one down here. Oh, here we go. We've both been thwarted. Six for green. We've been thwarted getting our final items, both of us. I'm in the opticians.

Oh, I'd like some designer shades, please, sir. I think they're 150 quid. Oh, I'm sorry. Is there someone there? I can't see. I've got big glasses on. I'm working the opticians. I have to skip this go. I thought I had more money than I did. Oh! So I can't afford the glasses.

Fuck you! All right. I'm going to fucking win this. All right, your go. Yes. Can I press a button? Yeah, press it, actually. Go on. And then press it again. Rhythm moves ten. 10. Where are you going to go? Can I get the computer? I've already got a computer. Oh, then you don't need to go there again

so you need to find another shop. Try the kitchen. What do you mean the kitchen? Well, there's a kitchen shop there. I'm just saying, see how much money you've got and then see where you can go to with what you've got cash-wise. And do you want to go to the phone shop? Yeah. Can I get there? Yeah. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Yeah, you're fine. So he go to the phone shop? Yeah. Can I get there? Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Yeah, you're fine.

So he's in the phone shop. Sixty quid. Put your card in first. There you go. Right. How many pegs have you got now? All of them. Have you?

Yep. Fuck. Right, my go. Green. Move eight. Eight. Where can I even fucking go? You couldn't even buy anything from the opticians. You've got no money, mate. You're fucked. Where am I even fucking go? You couldn't even buy anything from the opticians

You've got no money, mate You're fucked Where am I? I'm in the phone shop You're in the opticians No, I'm not Oh, yeah, I'm in the opticians Fucking come and get it together Oh, I thought, yeah, yeah

Hang on, can I go to the jewellers? No Where can I go? You haven't got enough money Sports shop What's the sport in the sports shop? I don't know 85 quid for trainers

I'm going to give it a go Can you do that? the sport in the sports shop? I don't know. 85 quid for trainers. I'm going to give it a go. Can you do that? So, in the sports shop. Oh, any cool trainers. Yes, sir. You don't look strong enough to buy this to play sports. Well, I'm just taking a week, man. I'm taking up sport.

I'm taking up jogging. I think these are all too advanced for you. What sport do you recommend I do? Because I need to lose my tum-a-tums. Oh, yeah. I think you should start with something very gentle, like tiddly winks.

Tiddly, I don't. Let me have a little go. Ah! I can't do it. Oh, you've hurt yourself. I'm afraid you'll have to leave. No, I'm going to bite it. I want to bite trailers.

85. Okay. Hey! 50. Now to race back to the fucking car park. That's my shopping list. Now it's time for me to To the fucking car park That's my shopping list Now it's time for me To go

To My car park I'm here And you're there That end Right Right Fuck this mall

Fuck you losers I'm out of here So am I Your go Red Move Six Six spaces Eli

Which way do you want to go Yeah yeah yeah You're getting out of here Come on You're getting out of here Yeah Come on, you're getting out of here. It's for me to move, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Bobby, Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. The mall is now closing.

Please leave or we'll set the robot guards on you to chop you up. You're done. Is there a lift there? Can we come out there? So only in the fashion boutique in the department store. My go. Green, move six. My go. Green. Move six.

Six spaces. Oh, Eli's go. You know what? Press it once and then again. Red. Move five. Five spaces. Which way is he going to go?

Is he going to go around the lat way and then go through the department store? Or is he going to go through the bank? It's interesting. What's he going to do? Either way, it's all down to this last race to the car park five stop no that's six you are so awful it was six go on oh was it was it you cheating fuck-thumbed cunt press the fucking button home we oh. Green, meet a friend at the pizza place. Oh, we've both got to go to the pizza place, Eli, which is great for me and absolutely terrible for you.

It's at the other end of the mall. But hey, who knows what's going to happen. Red, move five and send a friend to the arcade. Oh, fuck. So I've got to go my own way over here. Hey! Get to the arcade, you wanker. So where do you want to go in five spots? It's for me to move. All right.

Thank you very much. Fuck. I can't get up the mall, daddy. Green, move seven. Seven spaces. Right. Red, move seven. Seven.

Oh, he's inching. We're both inching our way to the car park. We're literally at opposite ends of the board, racing now to... Green. Move three. Oh, fuck off. Three. One, two, three.

Red. Move nine. He's won. He's out. He's won. He's won. It came down to Eli. Yay!

This is the best game of all. No, you said you wouldn't say that. No, this is brilliant. Actually brilliant. It's a brilliant game. this is the best game in all of you said you wouldn't say that no this is brilliant actually actually brilliant it's a brilliant game and it's I think it was just that sort of

now that skill that I have as a sort of you know just general ability attention shopper ah fuck off the sale's over

I'm trapped in the mall I can't get out they've shut the doors on you mate you need to be like one of the dead building where you can like move zombies around and avoid them that would be great that would be fucking good the same game They've shut the doors on you You need to be like One of the dead Building where you can like

Move zombies around And avoid them That would be great That would be fucking good The same game But now you can move zombies around As well That would be great

I won Right well anyway That's more madness Let's wrap this fucking show up Alright Yeah I won Let's do it Congratulations

Fair and square And well played Thank you It's a lot of fun that Paul Did you think so? I thought so, too. Really nice. Not too complicated, but lots of fun.

I mean, it would get tiresome, but with children, it'd be a lot of fun. I want to mod this now and do something with it. With zombies. Yeah, and cheap show. Put a pin in that. We'll come back to it. Your meters. I meant to put a pin in your meters.

Yeah, when you say it all the time. I don't ever put pins in my meters, metaphorically yeah yeah when you say it all the time i don't ever put pins in my meters metaphorically or otherwise well now's the time to change isn't it why would it be fine just go in there put a pin in that idea as well and that's that for Cheap Show this week. Let's get out of here. It's been long enough at the ball this week. Thank you for supporting us.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for spreading the word if you do. If you want to go to Patreon and support us, give what you can, but only if you can. It is patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. We're on all the social medias, but we're most active on Twitter. So you can find this on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod.

I'm at Paul Gannon Show, and Eli is... Eli Snowed, which he spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Email the show if you want to, thecheapshow at gmail.com. All the merch, all the links, pages for each episode with pictures, all at the same place, thecheapshow.co.uk. And that's it. I'm spent, sir. I'm spent. Quite tired as well paul like you would be if you really did go to a shopping center we've shopped till we dropped

haven't we i want you to assure everyone that they can see a picture of the super horse energy drink that helps me get through this episode we will indeed yes there is a picture of the two horses and i'd like people to contact me and tell me which is the super horse is it the leading horse or the following horse also email the show if you'd like me to punch Eli in the knob

fuck off just in general I want to see how many I want to see generally now how many emails I'm going to get saying yeah punch him in the knob right that's it for this

week take care see you next time on cheap show bye it for this week take care see you next time on cheap show bye