CheapShow - Ep 300: The 3rd Live One!

Starting point is 00:00:00 Thank you for purchasing Cheap Show 300 Live. If you enjoy this VHS, please look out for our further upcoming releases, exclusively from Silver Gannon Productions, why it's Storytime Grandad's first video cassette. Tell us a story, Grandad. I don't mind if I do, so I will. Your old Grandad has been around some years, so he has around. And one day, he was just been discharged from the war.

Starting point is 00:00:49 Oh, he only had rags on, so he did, so he did. And he was walking through a forest. Featuring such stories as The Wicked Piglet. Now, this pig had got a crazed look in his eyes, so he had. And he went right up me trouser leg. And I thought, hey, he's about to do a reverse story time grandad on old grandad. And the man and the candle. Arr, and so the old man, so he did, came down the stairs, a clippity cloppity,

Starting point is 00:01:23 and there was a soft rustling sound that could be heard from within his pyjamas. And everyone's favourite modern classic, Bag of Bollocks. I put my big grandad, storytime grandad face in that bag, I can tell you, so I did, so I will, so I am gonna. And I truffle hounded those bollocks up, snuffling and snorting, as I did, so I did. Chewed on that gristle and the meat of the bollocks. I love genitals, eating genitals, storytime grandad. Storytime grandad's first VHS adventure, coming this Christmas. Please stop Grandad! Please stop! Hey everybody, it's Teen Yeti! And I'm really excited to share with you my forthcoming video on Silver Ganon Productions.

Starting point is 00:02:25 It's how to rap featuring me 2 Yeti. I'll teach you all of the essential techniques of flow and delivery. It's a tough game the rap game. But I will be your mentor and teach you all about intricate flow styles. Yes and don't take my word for it, that it was a testimonial from a very pleased, young, up-and-coming rap star. Oh, I didn't know shit before I learned to rap

Starting point is 00:02:56 from a Teen Yeti's wonderful video. I learned how to construct flow, and how to lay a beat down, and all these fantastic people. Tell them I'm a really good teacher. I'm a really good teacher. You taught me everything I know. And I'm an up-and-comer and I'm going to be on MTV now.

Starting point is 00:03:13 Just say Teen Yachty is like the best or something like that. Teen Yachty is the best. You heard it there. Someone I don't know at all giving a testimonial. And let me tell you, that person now has a single in the top five. Norway. In Norway yeah. Shut up you're not meant to be in here. Anyway bye to VHS. Wrapping with Tiet available on Silver Gannon Productions £9.99 for Woolworths. It's a fucking bargain. Whenever you rent or buy a video you need to be sure that the film you choose is suitable for the

Starting point is 00:03:47 audience at home to help you there are certificates given to films which tell you broadly what the film is like this film has been classified 18 which means it's for adults only it's an offense for your shop to supply an 18 video to anyone under that age, so don't ask them to break the law. An 18 film will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language, which will frequently mean sexual swear words. The video certificates are there to give you

Starting point is 00:04:21 the chance to make an informed choice. They allow you to have peace of mind and be entertained. Thanks for listening. Enjoy the film. Eli, turn your mic on. Okay, I'm on. Mine's on. I'm on, yeah. Mic test, check one, two. Pa-pa-ta-pa-ta-pa-two.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Pa-pa-ta-pa-ta-pa-two. Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa Let's get going Are you ready to go on the stage You've got everything All the props are sorted Yes yeah Now did you get that thing working With the You got it working What all the The tech you know Yeah no the tech's all plugged in on stage I had to like So you plugged about three adapters

Starting point is 00:05:12 Into each other Yeah because I had to daisy chain Because there's no direct ones Is that safe So I had to put one into another And then put the cables through that Paul is that safe Yeah no it'd be fine

Starting point is 00:05:19 Should you check it with the tech people here It might be no it's fine Can they help you Have you done your pre-show ritual I've done my pre-show ritual And what's that then? It's the sign of the cross and then I... Spectacles, spectacles, what?

Starting point is 00:05:28 And then I pray to Noel Edmonds' beard. Oh, what do you say to him? I say, oh bearded, scratch all my scribbles and rough me on the nose for I am the beard and where Noel Edmonds goes. Crap. I'm going to have, I'm going to have my, I'm going to do my pre-show ritual now. Oh, right. It's going to be great, this, is it?

Starting point is 00:05:47 Yeah, let's have a go. Everyone guess what his fucking ritual is. Here we go. He's doing a wank noise with his mouth. This is... Oh, he's slowed down there a bit. Oh, and it's sped up again. I don't understand.

Starting point is 00:06:02 Is it different images or something? I mean, surely you have to build the tempo over the whole time. Oh, he's humming. I don't understand. Is it different images or something? I mean, surely you have to build the tempo over the whole time. Oh, he's humming. Oh, he's reached his humming strokes. Oh, that was really unpleasant, man. It's a nice deep one that came from my fucking spine. That's another trope. Another Ganon wanking trope

Starting point is 00:06:25 Ready to go Eli It's always the fucking spine that comes out It just spoffed off my fucking intestines In all seriousness You spat on my arm You spat on my arm with your stupid Liquid lips of Ganon Let's get going

Starting point is 00:06:43 Let's get going Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to celebrate 300 episodes of Cheap Show with this Harrow Arts Centre unique performance of Cheap Show Live! 300! 300 Live! 300!

Starting point is 00:07:00 I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go, go, people love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off, round, round, off, off, round, round, off. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show

Starting point is 00:07:48 And a go and a nuzzle Hello! Hello! Hello! Oh, hang on Hang on Hang on Here we go, white and ready! Fuck me, this is just fine. Hang on. Is it working? Yeah, hang sioe dynol. Helo.

Starting point is 00:08:26 A welcoch i'r sioe dynol. Mae'r sioe dynol yma! 300! Dydw i ddim wedi gwneud hyn. Do. O, helo. Don't. Oh, hello. Stop. Didn't expect that. I've got the wonky mic because your fat head bent this one out of shape.

Starting point is 00:08:56 I just want that known as well. It's fine. I want it to be all Madonna-like, but unfortunately I've got, like, someone's wisdom braces strapped around the back of my head. I don't know why you're complaining. You've got to do your tropey crowd work thing, didn't you? Do you want to do some tropey crowd work? Yes, I do!

Starting point is 00:09:11 You like this? Yeah. Oh, you rotter. Look, he's trying to... Look at this. Like this. No, don't. I am, no.

Starting point is 00:09:30 I can't do your voice all of a sudden. That's fucking weird. I'll tell you what, fuck this. I'm just Eli Silverman. I don't give a fuck what I do. The crowd love it. Scum. Fucking scum.

Starting point is 00:09:45 Hello, welcome to the Chiefs of the Economy comedy podcast where every week me and Eli Silverman go for the charity shits. Take a minute, take a minute. Where every week Eli and I go for the charity shops, pound lands and bargain bins of this great country and bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. Hello. Fuck me, thank you for coming. I thought literally with the rail strikes and Coldplay,

Starting point is 00:10:09 there'd be one guy sitting there and you would get a load. By the way, this whole front row, you didn't bring a Mac or an umbrella or anything to cover you from maybe a few drip drops of something special. Spunk? You're talking about spunk? You're talking about spunk again! Listen, I tell you what, we haven't done this in a while because we don't often do a lot of live shows, so we are now going to introduce each other in the way we deem appropriate for tonight. So I'm going to go first, but what I thought I'd do, you see, the thing is with you,

Starting point is 00:10:44 is that you're such a fucking waste of human space. You're going first, to go first. But what I thought I'd do, you see, the thing is with you, is that you're such a fucking waste of human space. You're going first. I go first. No, I go first in this case. We save the best till last, don't we? That's the thing, isn't it? This is not what we rehearsed. It is. That's peppermint that you're smelling there.

Starting point is 00:10:56 It's not... Pepper spunk. Witty comeback number one. Right, so I'm going to introduce you. But I thought, the thing is with with you is that you're a fucking massive waste of space and I think I can do better so what I'm going to do I haven't what I'm going to do is

Starting point is 00:11:12 introduce our cast tonight to audition for your spot in this show he's got it the wrong way round don't fuck off Eli I'll fucking stop this show and you can all fuck off Fuck off? Eli. I tried. I'll fucking stop this show and you can all fuck off. He's not the one who puts this together.

Starting point is 00:11:36 He's not the one who spends hours crying over his laptop trying to get PowerPoint to work at 2am. He's not the one who brings a suitcase of props. Exactly, you just turn up with that. Can we have our first auditionee, please? Can we have Ethan Lawrence, please, on the stage? Actor. Oh, hang on, I'll give you a... There's a red one.

Starting point is 00:11:59 Red one. Red one. I'm not allowed to project, apparently. I've got to... No, it's because it's a podcast, darling, and we don't want to lose your voice. But you wanted an actor, right? Yeah, so can you project being a better actor?

Starting point is 00:12:13 Right. Fuck off, Paul. Eli! You have to judge this. Right, here's Eli. Put this on. Put it on. Put it on.

Starting point is 00:12:24 Face them. Right. So, Ethan, here's the thing. What we're going to do is I'm going to give you a moment in Cheap Show and you have to react like Eli to it. So, Eli, did you bring the sheep for our live show? Uh, no. And I spanked my chodney up right here in a fucking... in a Barbara Millicent fuckhammer. Not bad. Get off. All right. That was it.

Starting point is 00:12:53 I thought I had to touch it. What was it out of ten, then? I don't know. You haven't told me what's happening with this bit at all. I know. I thought I was doing it first. No, you're going to do it after this next bit. Next, please. Can we have... Oh, next bit. Next please, can we have...

Starting point is 00:13:06 That was good Ethan, but... Thanks, thanks. It was... See you in a bit. Bye. That was an inappropriate use of Chodney there. Yeah, I thought it was an erroneous Chodney. Erroneous Chodney.

Starting point is 00:13:19 Yeah? Please welcome on stage our next auditionee, Octavius King! Hey! Hide behind this. Put it on. Right, here we go. Red mic. I don't know if that's helpful.

Starting point is 00:13:40 Right, so I'm going to now give you a moment that I would have in a podcast with him, and I want you to react as Eli would, okay? I want to see how it goes. Okay. So, Eli, what's your favourite noodle? My favourite noodle is, fuck off Paul, you're like a fart in a cup. Actually

Starting point is 00:13:54 better than you. Very good. Actually better than you. Well done. Okay, wonderful stuff. Beard, please. Oh, blimey. Uh-oh. No, it's alright. It's alright, youimey. Uh-oh. No, it's all right. It's all right. You looked up.

Starting point is 00:14:07 I know. I forgot to tell you about the beard. Next. Please welcome on stage Stuart Ashen. Don the beard of Eli. Oh, and you need this as well. It's going to have everyone's face on it by the time Biffo gets to it. Oh.

Starting point is 00:14:31 Hey, oh, hey, oh. There we go. Look out. What a beauty. Right. There you go. Thank you. Again, we're going to give you a little moment.

Starting point is 00:14:40 I'm going to say something that would happen in a podcast, and then I want you to react as Eli Silverman would. I'm going to give you a little moment. I'm going to say something that would happen in a podcast, and then I want you to react as Eli Silverman would. So, oh, Eli, what have you got sauce on your bed? Well, my bleeding sauce, Paul. And you've got some veterinary on your time.

Starting point is 00:14:57 Look at my bloody sheets. I'm fucked, Paul. I'm out of here. Nice. Eli, what do you think? Yeah, he's got the tone there. I think so. Nice.

Starting point is 00:15:13 I thought it was very good. Now go. We'll have you later. We're going to get you back on in a bit. Stop awing. It's not a panto. Stop booing. I've not done anything wrong.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Fuck me. I told you it'd be a rude awakening two minutes in. And our final contestant to try out for Eli is Mr Biffo. Mr Biffo. Don the beard. It looks just like him. You don't need the mic. I know, I don't. You'll spill on it.

Starting point is 00:15:48 Evening. It's not... Stop it. Yeah, just hold it against your face. That'll do. You've said that before. Think you're funny just because you're a man. Got one then. Right, so, okay, here's one for you then.

Starting point is 00:16:11 Eli, did you go and get that thing you promised for Price of Shite? Inch, inch, inch. What did you do with that? What the fuck? Great callback to a very important character. Fuck off with that. Give us the mic. Where have you done it?

Starting point is 00:16:31 Have you stuck it up your arse? It's behind you. Fuck off. Right, well, that's what I did anyway. That's my intro to you by having our guest come on and pretend to be you. It's very funny and I win. Right. And that was meant to be your face.

Starting point is 00:16:53 And it is. Look at him. Is that your come to bed eyes? No, it's actually a copy of a Cecil Beaton shot. You don't know who Cecil fucking Beaton is. Because I fucking don't, and I'm smarter than you. Right, Eli, what have you got planned for us then? You're going to do my introduction.

Starting point is 00:17:15 Yes, an interpretive dance piece. Oh. Which is about you. By all means, start. It's like a stream, as if we were inside you. Right. So this is you kind of becoming me. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli's interpreted dance of me.

Starting point is 00:17:44 I'm trapped inside the walls of my mind. I'm in Paul's mind. I'm trapped inside my mind. I'm trapped inside my mind. Oh, denigrate his hands. Denigrate his hands. And his penis. Denigrate his hands! And his penis! Denigrate his hands and his penis!

Starting point is 00:18:10 Denigrate his hands and his penis! Who wants noodles? Yeah! That's what they bloody want! Oh, fucking noodles! Who wants them? Yeah! the fucking noodles! Who wants them? Yeah! Have some noodles! Fucking yeah!

Starting point is 00:18:36 Some of those noodles might be out of date. No, seriously, check, because... They are all out of date. Don't eat those. Those are... Sorry, one second. Eli, can we step outside the live podcast a minute? What? That wasn't that bad, man.

Starting point is 00:18:58 What? I'm going to fucking eat your prick. No. Don't go on stage yet. They can't hear this. They can. I'm going to bite it off. Oh, fucking hell. The tiresomeness of this. And then I'm going to use it like a duck whistle and call for wildlife. Can I go now? No, wait. Wait. No. That's that out of the way. Well done. Five out of ten. I hate you so much. However, we do have a few messages from people who can't be here today.

Starting point is 00:19:31 So a few people we asked to be on the show, they couldn't for various reasons. So they've sent videos in for us. So we've got a few videos of people just say happy 300. Let's see who we've got first. Us, next. Hello, everybody. My name is Brian Wecht, aka Ninja Brian from Ninja Sex Party, and I was the first ever guest on Cheap Show. Now here in America, where I live, we have a special word for that. It's inaugural. Can you say that after me? Inaugural. I was the inaugural guest on Cheap Show. In honor of the 300th anniversary of this

Starting point is 00:20:06 show, I wanted to wish my personal congratulations to my friends Pete, Elvin, and the rest of the team over at Cheap Show. I also wanted to ask you, especially guys, since we do have witnesses here, please respond to my emails with the invoice for my past appearances. You guys haven't paid the bill yet, and I would really appreciate, even if you can't pay it, which I understand. I know you guys are struggling. I know you don't have a big audience. I know the podcast isn't going well. But please, please, just let me know when I can expect to get paid.

Starting point is 00:20:34 Okay? Thank you. And hey, happy birthday. Yeah, no, it's still, I just had the problem with the bank transfer. He's going to get it soon. It's been seven years. He'll get it soon.

Starting point is 00:20:47 It's not the end of the world, all right? Fine, I don't know. I just wish he hadn't done it in a video and told me separately. Okay, fine. Anyway, the next one we've got is a comedian and actor, Paul Putner, from all those TV shows you might remember,

Starting point is 00:20:57 like The Curious Orange. Everyone who grew up in the 90s got the reference. Everyone else was like, who the fuck are you talking about? Let's see what Paul put in the hat to say. Oh, well, blimey, who thought it? 300 episodes. That's amazing, isn't it? 300.

Starting point is 00:21:16 I mean, it's hard to believe that. What was it about the early noughties when we first met Paul? And I said, you know what? You should do a thing. I've had this idea. They're called podcasts. And I said, you know what? You should do a thing. I've had this idea. They're called podcasts. And he said, what are podcasts? I said, well, it's a bit strange. It's a bit like the radio, but you can say fuck. And all of that.

Starting point is 00:21:36 So have I really had any credit for this from you? Not really. I'm a bit pissed off with Louis Farouk, too. And a couple of the other podcast people. I mean, I've never received any thanks from any of them. Makes you sick, really, to the pit of your stomach. But anyway, happy 300 episodes. And I'll let you in on another secret soon.

Starting point is 00:22:02 Yeah. He never said that. I never talked to him about the podcast. It never happened. All right? He's just making that up because he thinks it's funny. Right, next one. Suze Kempner.

Starting point is 00:22:22 Ooh! She's going to be famous and forget all about us in the future, isn't she? I can't wait to be ignored by her in a trendy bar. She sent a video. Let's see what she said. Hey to the guys at Cheap Show. Hey, Gannon and Eli. It's Suze Kempner here, just from jail.

Starting point is 00:22:44 Can't be with you because I'm in jail. Happy 300 episodes. That's so brilliant. Wow. Who'd have thought it? Not me. I think... Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:02 This is just for Paul, obviously. When I came into the recording, I know that there was 20 quid in my coat, and it was gone. And I know I asked you about it, and you looked straight down at the floor and said it was nothing to do with you. It did that to me as well. I didn't take anything out of it.

Starting point is 00:23:20 You paid for it. She told me I could borrow it. She did not. She fucking did. I remember she was looking for it. I just want the truth. I just want... like, honesty would be nice. Fuck's sake, man. That... I asked her for the 20 quid. She gave me it.

Starting point is 00:23:37 Everyone check your pockets. He was in there by himself before. Fuck off! Look, we've got one last video and this is our star guest. Mmm. Let's see who it is. Hello, Cheap Show people. And congratulations on being 300 from Mr. Patchup.

Starting point is 00:23:54 You're, I think, the only podcast that is older than me. 300? I'm only 290. Still, I'm catching you up Anyway, Paul and Ellie, congratulations Oh yeah, before I go

Starting point is 00:24:11 Paul, you never did Wait Hang on Do you owe him money as well? No, there's a fucking Mate, you need to sort that out It's just because I can't have it any closer That looks like the Tower of Babel

Starting point is 00:24:24 Except the bricks are all electric components. Well done, Wild. What a great analogy. I was saving that one up, actually, yeah. I've just got to put the plug back in. Hang on. Just be careful. Yeah, see, it's fine.

Starting point is 00:24:39 Sorry about that. It's just because that's the only way I can get it, because this doesn't have a very long reach, so I put it there. It just looks very major. It's fine. I've just daisy-chained a few cables. It goes under the back. It's fine. that's the only way I can get it because this doesn't have a very long reach so I put it there. It looks very major. It's fine, I've just daisy chained a few cables, it goes under the back, it's fine. Daisy chain? Yes.

Starting point is 00:24:48 Not that daisy chain where you wank off a load of boys. Aye! Alright? Aye! I'm talking about the daisy chain that's more like a human centipede. Yes, right. Mouth to muck. Mouth to muck, but cannot fuck.

Starting point is 00:25:06 Right, it's time to play our first game of the night. Woo-hoo! And for this, we're going to need on stage Ethan Lawrence, Mr Biffo, Octavius King. We're also going to need... Who have I haven't said? Ashen's. Ashen's as well.

Starting point is 00:25:24 Come on, you lot. Sanya. No, Sanya we're saving for later. Shut up, that was a secret. Mr Biffo. You fucking... I don't fucking know. You nest-faced bastard. Right. Come on. Ethan, go behind that table. Biffo, go behind that table. Ashens, Octavius, go behind that table. Please go behind that table. Ashen's. Octavius, go behind that table. Go behind that table. Please, go behind the table. Squeeze down. All right, mister, I've been in an award-winning show with very famous people.

Starting point is 00:25:57 It's not impressive. I just leaned on the table. Show off. You can talk into a mic. Oh, can I? We're allowed a mic again? Yes. Hi, everyone.

Starting point is 00:26:09 So, you may be wondering why you're all here. I am now. Why aren't you helping me? What am I meant to say? Anything would be great. Hello to our guests. Hi, guys. Hi, Eli.

Starting point is 00:26:22 He's just a bit touchy because he's been found out to be a thief. Fuck off. I've just been set up. They're having fun. What jolly larks. What's the first game then, Paul? Today we are playing It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

Starting point is 00:26:56 It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking, it's the fucking, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right That'll do It's the price of shite everybody Yeah we're playing the price of shite That's where we get items from a charity shop And then you have to guess the price

Starting point is 00:27:16 What we're going to do today to offer for Twings Is you're going to play the The cards to play your cards Price right game version of it Fuck me Sorry come again Pardon the play your cards price right game version of it. Fuck me. Sorry, come again? Pardon?

Starting point is 00:27:32 Say that again in a way that makes sense. I have come in my pants. We are playing the play your cards right edition of Price of Shite, where you're going to see an item, and then you're going to guess if the next item is higher or lower than the item you've seen. And how many betwings do they get for that? One, per correct answer. How many possible betwings are there available? Four.

Starting point is 00:27:55 Okay. It's a big scoring game, but here's the thing. Do they share the betwings between them? No, it's individual. You're going to have to keep score with a pen. So they have to get four betwings each? Yes, potentially. Well, if they all get it right, you mean I have to have to keep score with a pen. So they have to get four betwings each? Yes, potentially. What, if they all get it right? You mean I have to...

Starting point is 00:28:08 Just write down betwings. I can't write down anything. You're only going to give a betwing to a winner. All right, I'll do it in my head. The losers... It's a team game. No, it's individual. I'll ask you individually if you think the item you're going to see

Starting point is 00:28:19 is higher or lower than the one currently on the screen. And you all get betwings. Individually then, Paul. Sorry? Individually. Yes. Not a team game. No!

Starting point is 00:28:27 Individuals. I'm going to stick this up your arse and turn you into my clicker. Promises, promises. And every time I pull your pud, it'll move the slides on. That's his pet name for me, his clicker. I'm with them on this. I know, that's the problem. This scene right now is a perfect metaphor of this podcast.

Starting point is 00:28:48 Anchor. Now that's acceptable. Right. Right, we're ready for the first item then. You're going to have to remember what betweens they get. All right? Ding, dong, ding, betweens, betweens. Fuck off.

Starting point is 00:29:01 One will win. The rest will have to suck upon our sour nubbins. Oh. These are the sourest candies in the whole world. They are very sour nubbins. I sucked one the other day and my face went inside out. They are very sour nubbins. And they have a delicious sherbet centre.

Starting point is 00:29:19 Paul. Yeah? What happens in the event of a tie? You both do nubbins. Everyone does a nubbin. Both? So we are in teams now? We're paired?

Starting point is 00:29:28 No, no, no. No, no, no. If all four of you tie, no nubbins for anyone. But if two tie, the other two do nubbins. If three tie, then the one person who's left does the nubbins. In what eventuality would Paul have to eat a nubbin? No eventuality at all, for it is my show and I get to make you miserable instead of the other way round.

Starting point is 00:29:53 Sorry. Who wants to see Paul eat a miserable nubbin? Fucking tough. So, you got the nubbins he liked with your life. fucking tough. So. So. You got the nubbins, Eli, with your life. So here's the first slide. Now, you're not going to have to worry about this. This is just your starting card, so to speak.

Starting point is 00:30:15 Let's see what it is. Oh! It's the little porcelain fox from our recent episode. Maybe if you've listened to it recently, you'll know the answer already. Listen to it on the way here. Already forgotten. Fair enough. The underwhelming porcelain wolf.

Starting point is 00:30:35 Which someone said on Twitter actually recently comes from a collection that you bought with a tea set. And that was going for $8 on eBay. So that's it. So yeah, so that price. So this is just for fun. But what do you think the price is? This is not for a betwing. What do you think the price of that is? Unless you know, Ethan, because you heard it on the way up and you're

Starting point is 00:30:47 bragging about it. I said I'd forgotten. Oh. £1.25? £1.25. What do you say, Biffo? £40p. £40p. Stuart? £80p. Octavius? £95p. £95p. Well, you are all wrong. It is. £2. Oh, I can't believe it. It goes for £9 online. I agree with you. Because I said that on the episode. And he was like, I got it for £2. Bargain. Fuck off.

Starting point is 00:31:15 But it looks like Basil Brush who caught fire or something. Just look at its haunted eyes. It doesn't have any. I think he's quite becoming. Right. So, that's your starting card, right? I'm going to show you the next slide, and then you're going to have to guess each

Starting point is 00:31:35 whether you think this item is higher or lower in price than that two-pound piece of shit. Right, here we go. It's a little teddy bear, but don't worry, it's not poined. It's a big old teddy bear. Did you fuck that? Did that get a load of Eli? No.

Starting point is 00:31:52 And seeing as you're prying, neither did Poindexter. It's frottage, purely frottage play, no penetration with Poindexter. Right, okay. I thought you and Poindexter were deeply penetrative. Easy for you to say. Only the penetrative man will pass. Higher or lower? Anyway, is this...

Starting point is 00:32:12 Higher or lower? Ethan, higher or lower than the fox in price? I'm going to say lower. Lower. Mr Biffo? It's quite Brexity. He's backing Britain. I'm going to say £3.25

Starting point is 00:32:29 is a higher. So you say higher. So lower, higher. Eli, keep a note of this. Stuart, what do you think? I'm worried that I can't see the back of it in case it's full of wasps or something. It's just got a void. A void with an owl in going, ooh.

Starting point is 00:32:46 Voids are expensive. That's got to be worth more than horrifying melting remains of whatever that wolf thing was. I say higher. Higher. So lower, higher, higher. Octavius, give us your best shot. Is it pissed? What's going on with the goggles there?

Starting point is 00:33:02 Oh, it's pissed. That's page one, that. What's it doing? It was having a with the goggles there? Oh, it's pissed. That's page one, that. It's pissed. What's it doing? It was having a drink with Amelia Earhart the night before she disappeared, and he's got guilt. There we go. See, I set you up for that. Boom, boom. Ah, God. I can't. No.

Starting point is 00:33:19 Are you okay, Paul? I split them. Right. Higher or lower? Lower. Lower. So we've got lower, higher? I split them. Right. All right. Higher or lower? Lower. Lower. So we've got lower, higher, higher, lower. Let's see how much the teddy flying bear is.

Starting point is 00:33:31 260. It's higher. Get on it. Higher. So points between. Between, between, between. No. Octavia said lower.

Starting point is 00:33:42 Sorry. Did you clear it? All right. Nothing between, between said lower. Sorry. Did you clear it? All right. Nothing between between nothing. Good. So here's your next item on the board. What could possibly follow a teddy bear? Ew.

Starting point is 00:33:55 It's Eli's shit gag T-shirt. I was wearing that just the other day. Yeah, you were. So there you go. It's an alligator. It says investigator. And Eli thinks that's funny as fuck. But is it more or less expensive

Starting point is 00:34:11 than the previous item? The teddy £2.60. What do you think? Let's start from this end. Let's start from Octavius' end. What do you think? I'll be honest. I think that's piss funny.

Starting point is 00:34:25 That is hilarious. I would 100% wear that. Why don't you two make a little podcast then? Maybe we fucking will, mate. And call it... We're not going to do it, so don't worry about that. Don't care. We could call it amusing T-shirts with Octavius and Eli.

Starting point is 00:34:41 All right. Yes. No. Don't worry. He hasn't got the worth with all to edit a podcast, record a podcast, produce a podcast,

Starting point is 00:34:49 host a podcast, support the podcast, share it on social media, the podcast, or do anything in general. So good luck with your new project. Anyway, sorry, Octavius. Yeah, I think this is higher.

Starting point is 00:35:03 I mean, I would pay good money for that. Higher. Stuart. Higher. Stuart. Higher than the Biggles or lower than the Biggles teddy bear? I mean, there's a small amount of printing on it. You notice the investigator is the same colour as the back of the T-shirt. They're being frugal. But of course, it's second-hand, so that's irrelevant.

Starting point is 00:35:20 I think clothes are expensive. Just in general. He's very astute. No, I think that's going to be higher. Just in general. He's very astute. I think that's going to be higher. Okay. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Starting point is 00:35:31 Did you get that? Got it. So, higher, higher. Biffo. Yes? He looks like he's carrying a hairbrush. But the more I've looked at it, his arms are too short to brush his hair.

Starting point is 00:35:42 And also, he hasn't got any hair, Paul. What a cruel existence he lives. I'm going to say lower. Lower. And finally Ethan. I'm with you, Biff. I think that looks low quality. I'm going to go lower. Oh, so higher,

Starting point is 00:36:00 higher, lower, lower. Interesting. You said that. This is what the scoreboard says. 310. It's higher. Higher. Between. Between. Between. Between. Between. Nothing. Nothing. No, he gets one between still. No, he's got nothing, hasn't he? He's got nothing. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, Ethan doesn't have a thing. Oh, he's been on the TV, he doesn't know shit. Shut the fuck up. I love you so much.

Starting point is 00:36:32 It's tiresome, it's old. Is it? Like you. Yeah! Get off me! Oh, you don't half cut deep. Come on. Last item. No, no, no. Get off me! Oh, you don't half cut deep.

Starting point is 00:36:46 Come on. Last item. No, it's not. Next one. Here's the next item. Oh, it's a fuck off pin badge. Oh, SpongeBob, you're so naughty. So it's a pin badge with SpongeBob and a big rainbow saying fuck off.

Starting point is 00:37:03 I think we can all agree that it speaks to us all in these times. But is it more expensive or less expensive than the £3.10 T-shirt? Let's start with Stuart this time. Right. How big is it? About three centimetres. And how big's the badge? Oh!

Starting point is 00:37:24 That's funny thank you i'm here all week don't forget to tip your waitress but how you like it yeah well jokes on him because my penis is two centimeters isn't it yes he's actually embiggened me right so what do you think lower or higher than the shirt is it like made out of glass stuff? No, it's enamel. A proper enamel badge. Decent quality. Got from Wish.com.

Starting point is 00:37:51 Oh, there's a bit of information for you. Spinning it. I mean, I haven't been told to fuck off by Spongebob since I did all that acid. So it's hard to... I think lower. Lower.

Starting point is 00:38:06 Right, Biffo, what do you think then, Gavner? He looks like he's got skin cancer. That may work on one of your witty videos. But it won't fly here. Hello. I'm going to say lower Lower And finally Not finally

Starting point is 00:38:31 Why did you start Penultimately I want this show over I want this show done I have the system And now you've fucked it By starting with Stuart there Give it to Octavius next then

Starting point is 00:38:41 Well how am I going to Remember this You've made it more difficult With no need to Give it to Octavius next, then. Well, how am I going to remember this? You've made it more difficult. No need to. It's not your fault, Octavius. Sorry. Come on.

Starting point is 00:38:55 Let's have Octavius. Octavius, what have you got? Lower or higher than the T-shirt? Right, Eli. Okay, so it's a T-shirt, right? Oh, for fuck's sake. It's a picture of an iron, and then above it, it says, irony. Yeah, yeah, OK, so it's a T-shirt, right? Oh, for fuck's sake. And it's a picture of an iron, and then above it, it says, irony.

Starting point is 00:39:08 Yeah, yeah, Paul, Paul, because it's like, it's an iron, so you think it says irony, but it's irony, but it's irony. You see, you get it. What about a T-shirt that says, pizza world, curry world, the best of both worlds? That's brilliant. I like that one. How about it's a T-shirt, right? How about you answer...

Starting point is 00:39:26 Shut up. ..before I smash this place up? It's a shirt where you're sat on a lion, right? And underneath it says, putting his life on the lion. Well, maybe not that one, actually. Oh. I'm going to ask you to professionally move this along.

Starting point is 00:39:42 High or low? Sorry, I could talk about this all day with you. I know, we're very talented. Yeah, I think this one's probably lower. Lower? Yeah. And what did you say? Oh, sorry, Stuart. Lower as well.

Starting point is 00:39:54 We've all said lower. You said lower. It's down to you. See, the thing is, I think it's also lower, but I need betwings. Well, you can get a betwing if you're right. Everyone's going to get a betwing, so it's all going to be a...

Starting point is 00:40:04 I'm just going to have to say lower so it's all going to be a... I'm just going to have to say lower. I hate this. Between, between, between, between! Press the button. Oh, wait, but where's the fucking build-up? The jeopardy. I'm just trying to move it on, because that T-shirt... Yeah, but there's still a little bit of drama to the proceedings I'd like you to invest in.

Starting point is 00:40:23 Yes, it's 77p. And the final item for realsies is this. It's the Berks Trapdoor board game. Which is nice. Lovely board game made by Spears Games. Very simple. Roll a dice kind of thing. Evoke the trapdoor. Spin Berk. I love it. Trapdoor merch is hard to get your hands on, but anything I can find I love. I love trapdoor, I want trapdoor. Can we start in an orderly fashion from you, please? Ethan.

Starting point is 00:40:54 Certainly. When you got this, was it feature complete? It was complete, yes, complete. In good condition. It's got to be higher than 77 page, surely. Higher. Higher. A lot of spoff on those tentacles. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:12 Same colour as mine. Higher. It's the same colour as mine. Ah! Anyway. Anyway, it burns. I've forgotten who's winning and losing, by the way. Great stuff. No, great... Ah, I've got this part.

Starting point is 00:41:35 It's very simple. Fucking whatever. Do you want to get a pen, Eli? And a piece of paper? I don't fucking need one. Didn't prepare. Fuck you. Fuck this.

Starting point is 00:41:43 I'm Eli. I hate your fucking need one. Didn't prepare. Fuck you. Fuck this. I'm Eli. I hate your fucking bones. I hate the gristle that holds your bones together. I hate the ligaments, the filaments, the nerve endings. I hate every gasping aspect of you.

Starting point is 00:41:58 It's starting to scare me. I should have said that off stage. Right. What's going on? Yes. Higher or lower? Right. So I'm getting terrible flashbacks of being a kid playing with plasticine

Starting point is 00:42:14 and making nothing but those little worms because they were easy to kill. Yeah. Right. If you paid 77p or less for this, you are the world's greatest businessman. And you're not, so this is higher. Higher.

Starting point is 00:42:29 Who hasn't done one? Octavius, give us it. I'll keep it quick just for you, shall I, Paul? I'll keep it quick. Go on. I'll say the answer really quickly. You do that right now for us? So that you don't wait in and we have to knock on the door.

Starting point is 00:42:38 We'll just give it to you right now then. You've got all the time in the world. Yeah? No, by all means, give it to us. No, don't waste your time. No, I'm not wasting my time. It's your time. I'm not wasting mine. This show is your show, all right? No, by all means, give it to us. No, don't waste your time. No, I'm not wasting my time. It's your time. I'm not wasting it.

Starting point is 00:42:46 This show is your show, all right? Eli, so what about... I don't want to hear about any of this anymore. This stops. Higher or lower? Higher, she says. Ah! Next.

Starting point is 00:42:58 Who's left? That's it. That's it. Higher. Higher. And the answer is... One pound! For drink, for drink, for drink, for drink!

Starting point is 00:43:13 So, with all that being said, Eli, who's the winner and who's the loser? I don't know, but I think Ethan lost. Ethan did lose. So Ethan has to suck one of our sour nubbins. You're all right. Just him. There's no snuff on it. They've been cut from the pensioner's elbow this morning. Oh, look at that. Oh, it's like ooze.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Yeah, he's going to put it in his mouth. Suck that nub. Suck that. In it goes. Oh, I don't know what's going on here. Is that bad? Is it bad? It's quite foul. Shall I try one? what's going on here. Is that bad? Is it bad? It's quite foul. Shall I try one? Yeah, if you want. Oh my god. Do you want to try one, Stuart?

Starting point is 00:43:52 Because you do this stuff, don't you? There's three left. You can all have one. It's really bad. Don't do it, it's bad. Yeah. Oh god. You can put this in here if you want to spit it out,. Yeah. Oh, God. You can put this in here if you want to spit it out. Go on. Oh, God, already? Oh, God almighty. They're rather sour. It's just acid.

Starting point is 00:44:17 Yeah. Oh, my God. They were all... Oh, dear. Oh, dear. They were all... Oh, dear. Oh, God! You just emptied half of your lungs onto the floor, then.

Starting point is 00:44:37 You can spit it out in the bag. You don't have to suffer like this. Do you know what? Once all the sugar... Whatever the fuck that is on the outside's off, it's actually all right. Yeah, no, once you've given it a big big nice suck, it's rather sweet in the centre. I sucked it for ages and it was very hard. And then eventually I got to the middle and all the goodness came out and I was happy. And that's a wank gag. So who won?

Starting point is 00:45:00 Did anyone actually keep scores? Who? Who? Stuart won! Hooray! Look at those delightful faces. Right, you can all get lost now. Bye!

Starting point is 00:45:17 Thank you. Bye. Say goodbye to our guests. You'll see them a bit later. Well, that was a load of fun wasn't it Mr Silverman? I thought those were quite refreshing. They're very bracing I'll say that for them but seriously oh very sour. I brought a fan. You're my favourite person. Stop please. You're my favourite person. What have we got? Stop, please. You're my favourite person. Love me, Eli. Stop.

Starting point is 00:45:48 Love me. I am your automatic love bot. What have we got coming up? Squeezy pump, pump action. What's coming up on the show? Fuck off, then. All right, don't play with my voice, man. Right.

Starting point is 00:46:00 What's coming up now? Well, it's time for an advertisement. Well, not even an advertisement break. We thought, for a laugh, what we'd do, me and Eli, yw sylwad beth fyddai'n bodoli os oeddem yn rannu'r internet ac roeddem ni'n cynnal ein canolbwyntiau YouTube ein hunain gyda llawer o wahanol rhwydwaith a phethau. Felly, rydyn ni wedi parhau i chi fideo bach o'r hyn fyddai i mi a Eli fynd i fyny os oedden ni'n bwriadol o wneud YouTube yn iawn, sydd ddim. Ydych chi'n barod?

Starting point is 00:46:24 Rydw i'n bar ready. Here we go. Enjoy. MUSIC PLAYS Hello, yes, welcome to another edition of the Poison Brothers, Dr Poison Brothers. Yes, yes, yes. This is Mike, I am Poison Brother One and this is Poison Brother Two. Hello, dear Poison Brother, how are you doing? You OK? Yes, I'm good, my friend. What have we got here today? We've got some little simple puzzles for you.

Starting point is 00:46:48 We're going to show you how to do them. We're going to show you quick and see how quick we can beat them. Yes, yes, yes. That's the plan. Don't do that, man. Hey, get your fucking hand off me. So, calm down, brother. You calm down. So you need to get from here over there, yes.

Starting point is 00:47:03 I can see what you have to do, man. the doctor of the punch i'm telling the audience man yes yes calm down fella it's gonna go all the way from here to there and then that's the puzzle so so we're gonna do this we've done this in practice a few times so we're just gonna get puzzle brother one go for it put the spoiler first oh yeah put the spoiler we're gonna count this down here we go Oh yeah, put the spoiler. We're going to count this down. Here we go. Do the timer. Put the spoilers. Okay, let's rock the clock.

Starting point is 00:47:29 Okay. Rock that clock. I think I've got it. I'm looking here. Yes, you have to come round here. I think you come down. Around here. Around there. You've done that quick, my brother.

Starting point is 00:47:38 That's pretty cool. Yeah! Yes, thank you. Yeah! I'll tell you what, I'll have a go at this one. Fucking give it to me, man. F***. I've almost finished, brother. Yeah Oh, I know! You can't do it. Let me do it, brother. I can't do it. You fucking... You ruined it. I was... God damn you! Right, we'll do another one then.

Starting point is 00:48:08 The fucking one else you can't do is shit. In this one, you've got to get all your little balls in your little balls here. We can do this, no problem. Whatever, man. Who's the little balls, lad? I've got the balls in here, eh? Well, it's on a slippy tickety-tock table, my friend. You're giving me a fucking defective one, yes? No, it's fine. It's meant to tip the topple.

Starting point is 00:48:24 Tip the topple? Tipipple up your arse. Yes, come on, get closer. You've got to be careful with it, my brother. We can do this. I just give you the little tap. A little tippy-tapper, tippy-tapper. A little **** to it, my brother. Yes, brother.

Starting point is 00:48:36 Come on. Yes, I can. Yes, yes, yes. Hey! You fucked it, brother. I'll show you how you do it. Well, this is how you do it, right? Give it to me. You can't do it. There's a little trick to it, my brother. You put it down show you how you do it. This is how you do it, right?

Starting point is 00:48:45 Give it to me, you can't do it. There's a little trick to it, my brother. You put it down here and then you do this. It worked, it worked. This hasn't done it, man. No, I won't do another one, my brother. Have you got another one? Yeah, we've got this one here.

Starting point is 00:48:57 This is terrible, this is the worst episode ever. This is the one where you've got to get the ballers in the... I'll do this easy. You fucking broke it, brother! Brother, we have to pay for this now. We don't have to pay for this, do we? We have to pay for this shit now. This is the worst episode we've ever done.

Starting point is 00:49:15 This is the only episode we've ever done. It's the last episode we'll ever do. The accent is fucking really bad. Fuck this. Thanks so much for joining me on this walk today. We're just coming up to the last section of the King's Canal, built in 1877. And it really has been a nice one. I love these central London canal bank sort of pastures.

Starting point is 00:49:47 It's like a pastury that you can find in the centre of London. I mean, a lot of the information, of course, that I got from this episode was in the book Old Canals in London In It by John Bryce. I think I'm pronouncing that right. Bryce? Brace? It could be anything, but it's a fantastic book. This building here had Kim Kardashian's great uncle living in it, apparently. I mean, not that I'm up on the that stuff at all i will find that sort of slightly puerile you know and uh and irrelevant uh the lane we think that the canal was culverted around here um a beautiful place for me to end this video and as i uh always love to say at the end And as I always love to say at the end,

Starting point is 00:50:51 wherever I'm walking next week, I hope you're there. Well, I don't actually know myself where I'll be next week. I mean, weather permitting, I might be going, oh, yeah, and I've got a book out. Fucking rivers. Rivers and that, underground, I think it's going to be called. Oh, and... Hello. Welcome to Gannon's. I'm Paul Gannon, and I've got a collection of lovely things for you. Mmm, yes I do. Or do I? No, I do.

Starting point is 00:51:29 So, today I have a theme and today's theme is Winkies and Goblin Balls. So, let's start with, I think, my favourite thing of all. Yay, it's Winky! There we are. Look, a Winky. There we are. Look, a winky. We all remember... We all remember Winky from the very popular cheap show documentary episode, don't we? Yes. Pish. Right, now it's time to gobble some balls with this. Look, it's a Pac-Man, Tomy Pocketeer game. There's Pac-Man. Look, gobble, gobble, gobble.

Starting point is 00:52:03 Oh, look at him gobbling. And now let's see if we can make him gobble balls. There we go. He's gobbled one down. Come on, Pac-Man. You can gobble balls like the best of them. Chomp, chomp. Oh, I can't believe it. One more. Om, nom, nom.

Starting point is 00:52:17 Excellent. Rubbish, rubbish. And speaking of a winky who gobbles a load of balls, here's young Noel Edmonds. Look at him. Look at him. Hi, I'm Noel Edmonds, and I created many TV formats that were highly successful. I'm just a psychopath.

Starting point is 00:52:36 A robot from the future. And finally, oh, let's see this. Look at this. It's a little action replay micro viewer. Aren't they fantastic? Yes, aren't they wonderful? Hmm. And there's a little... What's in this one today?

Starting point is 00:52:51 Uh, yeah. Uh, it is... Oh, Chippendales. It's Chippendales, isn't it? Calm down. There we are, Chippendales. Oh, yeah. He's the sexy man of the 90s. Oh. Oh, yeah. He's a sexy man of the 90s.

Starting point is 00:53:08 Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, he's... He's taking his towel off. He's shitting the shower. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh!

Starting point is 00:53:19 Hello? G'day, welcome to Cheap Show Tizer. We've got a great show planned for you today. It's true. Call Blimey. Who's with me today, then? Who's this character? Twat. Twat.

Starting point is 00:53:42 Twatters. You're Twatters? What do you do? Make yoghurt. Oh yoghurt. Oh yoghurt. I drink the yoghurt now then. No don't do that.

Starting point is 00:53:51 You said you weren't. You have to explain everything. I'm sorry I thought we were just drinking yoghurt today. Just do it. Oh it's true. Twat. Can't believe it. Can't believe it.

Starting point is 00:53:59 So what do you do? Yoghurt. You like yoghurt do you? Yeah. Went to yoghurt factory, bought it, make yoghurt. Oh wait there the cat's coming. Oh it's a cat. Oh it's a cat. Oh it's a cat. Oh it's a cat. God, blimey. So, you like yoghurt, do you? Yeah. Went to yoghurt factory, bought it. Made yoghurt. Oh, wait, there.

Starting point is 00:54:09 The cat's coming. They're out there, princess. Pull her. Pull her. Don't touch. You left the light on over there, didn't you, darling? Manufacture yoghurt. Oh, cool.

Starting point is 00:54:21 Well, I'll try the yoghurt. Don't touch the yoghurt. You're not allowed to touch the yoghurt, I've told you! Are you a hungry boy? Then just eat some poo out of the toilet. Uncle Grumbley's ass meat. It's just poo out of the toilet.

Starting point is 00:54:44 So right, we're gonna test some yoghurt on the show today. Make yoghurt. That yoghurtist. Taste yoghurt. What's your name again, Captain Yoghurt? Captain Twatters. Twatters is going to make... I forgot the cups, didn't I, darling?

Starting point is 00:54:54 Fuck's sake, what? We have to do the cups? I told you to get the cups! We don't have three, darling. I fucking hell know! You've proved now! You've ruined it now! ¶¶ ¶¶ Oh, my God. What a wonderful day to open a charity shop for the first time

Starting point is 00:56:12 and get the plot out of the way in a sentence. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I'm just going to go ahead and say you do not have to act and improvise, don't you? Alright, go for it.

Starting point is 00:56:28 Oh, look at this shop we're opening. It's a charity shop. Fucking hell. Look, anyway, look. This is a big deal because we've been told to look after St Chodney's charity shop. They do a lot of good work. Yeah, they have.

Starting point is 00:56:43 They do a lot of good work. They've been doing a lot of good work. Yeah, they have. They've been doing a lot of good work. Is it that they do again? It's something in the field of health and aid. Something like that. Something what? It's the Boroughs. They rescue the Boroughs from the Chackney fields.

Starting point is 00:56:58 And they scoop the scribbles up, don't they? The scribbles and the scrubbage go in the Chockney Barrow and then they put it down the road. And they come round. They come round. Oh, do they come round, indeed. Chotney Borough comes round here. Good.

Starting point is 00:57:14 Put that on a fucking T-shirt for your fucking podcast. So, anyway. But have we got everything? Well, no, because the shop's been struggling and so we've been asked to look after it because of our experience on the podcast with charity shops. Yes, yes. And so we've been asked to look after it because of our experience on the podcast with charity shops. Yes, yes. And so we have been asked to look after the shop for a day

Starting point is 00:57:29 and hopefully boost people coming in and buying stuff to save St Chodney. Yes. Oh, St Chodney. I didn't think it was religious. Oh. No. I've been praying for no reason.

Starting point is 00:57:42 What about the stock? It doesn't seem to be much on the shelves. No, well, I've gone through the stock, and we've done a lot of stuff over the past seven years, and I didn't know what to bring up. It's all in here, is it? All that stuff? It's all around the back.

Starting point is 00:57:51 I've got a list of everything that we've ever done. All the stuff that we've done on the podcast? Everything we've ever done on the podcast, round the back. Shall I give you an example? Please. All right. All right.

Starting point is 00:58:13 I'll tell you what we've got here like okay goes like this we've hunted for cheesy moments and some coca-cola tins cannabis wine bishopreeze toys and looking magazines the challenging need to drink dog beer and making me want to hurl Flexi discs and black bin bags, Noel Edmonds pranking a call Dollar tree snacks, flat lace tracks, a grubby greg's pie and a dog shit tie That's what we've done Yeah That's what we've done Oh a price for shy competitions and fighting over betwings Read along books, poignetters,fas And search in the woods for swings

Starting point is 00:58:45 A load of novelty vinyl The winky mystery as well Pickles and chips and blankety blank And games like What's That Smell? My Golden Games and Your Noodle Kitchen Tony Toys in lovely condition Yeah, that's what we've done Yeah

Starting point is 00:59:01 That's what we've done There's a few more. I've got a big long list. Okay. Do you want me to go through all of it? Yeah, why not? Can I go through all of it? Please.

Starting point is 00:59:11 All right. Yeah. Just a few things, mate. The day trip out to Brighton, donkey, derby, hot wheel cars. The sound of the Moog and Russ Abbott albums and keeping a mole in a jar. Oh. And crab buckets and Reddleton woods and Eurovision tunes. Garbage pile kits and cheap magic tricks and Saturday morning cartoons

Starting point is 00:59:27 Car boot challenges, candies with adverts acting like gadgets for an amble pin badgers That's what we've done Long list Yeah really long That's what we've done Jaffa cakes and jumble sales, pagan picnics and knockoff brands Don't get mad, porno mags and wanky monkey hands Golden quests, summer and secret suitcase clues

Starting point is 00:59:50 Brent, cross, the cheap, it's express and unusual story cubes Leaguer snacks and die-hard scrapes of woodchosen bodies and sad Derek Tapes That's what we've done Oh that's what we've done, thank God A shelf of of erases, C90 cases, sources too many to name Murder mysteries, old miser histories and god awful Chodney refrains And noodles like Tardo and Lisson and Coco and Lucky Me Marich and Mamo and Miko and Tumpy and Bullseye and Barshens and Traktor and Gadgetpuncher I can't do anymore

Starting point is 01:00:21 That's what we've done Mate anymore. Now that's what we've done. That's what we've done. In a nutshell. Oh, that is what we've done. We've done quite a lot of stuff in seven years. You mentioned a mole there. I think I've... Oh, have you got your good luck charm with you?

Starting point is 01:00:43 I've got Keith in the back. Go get Keith. Oh, have you got your good luck charm with you? I've got Keith in the back. Go get Keith. Go get Keith. Oh, Keith will be good. Keith brings good luck wherever he goes. And the smell of death. Do you want a little niff on Keith? I fucking don't.

Starting point is 01:00:59 Maybe someone in the audience wants to smell Keith. Oh, fucking hell. Maybe someone looking through the shop window would like to have a smell of Keith. I've inhaled too to smell Keith. Oh, fucking hell. Maybe someone looking through the shop window would like to have a smell of Keith. Oh, I've inhaled too deeply on Keith. Does anyone else? Sniff the Keith. Oh, God. It's bad, eh? Here. Sniff the Keith. If you sniff Keith, you're taking your life in your own hands.

Starting point is 01:01:20 He's passed his best before. Go on. Sit over there, give them what they want. Bloody hell. They want the smell of death. It's really bad. If you suffer from any psychotropic effects later on, please lie down. It's musty and quite vegetative.

Starting point is 01:01:38 You've opened this can of worms. No, jar of moulds. Bad leaves or good cheese. Right, that's enough! That's enough! One more huffage! One more huff, that's it. Oh, good... There's only so far Keith can go, and I don't want him to lose his huff,

Starting point is 01:01:55 so I want to keep the huff in there. I've actually upgraded him, because, you know, Keith doesn't have eyes... Yeah. ..with which to see the supernatural landscape before him So I've got some duck eyes in there with him So he has vision I'm just checking the wires Well listen no, yeah, no the wire don't worry about that it's fine. It's fine

Starting point is 01:02:20 It doesn't look fine. Let's open the shop up and wait for customers because that's the important thing customers coming in I'm just going to change the sign round We're open. Oh good lovely. I wonder who our first customer will be today. I wonder who it will be Oh here they come now. Oh it is the first one now. I wonder who it is Why it's a lovely lady make yogurt Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy!

Starting point is 01:02:48 Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy!

Starting point is 01:02:56 Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy!

Starting point is 01:03:04 Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! Ydy! bag so you don't know what's in it and it's very exciting but whatever is inside you can have a play with. Great. So this is your one. That one's my one? Okay. So yeah oh what have you picked there? What a lovely choice. Oh we've got some hot sauces. Oh we've got some hot sauces. We've got... Oh, don't look at the prices. Should have taken the prices off. And some crackers. Yeah, crackers for neutral taste basis. What we're going to do is we're going to play an off-brand brand-off. Oi! So, what...

Starting point is 01:03:38 Ruff, ruff! Ruff, ruff! That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... Ruff, ruff! Just keep the car running! Piss on the seats, etc. Ruff, ruff! Who are you, sir? What are you doing here? I'm Richard Brandoff, you know who I am, you little...

Starting point is 01:03:59 Fuck that. It was never going to stay on your eye, was it? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, right! So, you're here to manage this, are you? Because this is your donation, isn't it? That's right. So, where's the contestant?

Starting point is 01:04:11 No, but this is a woman. That's me. Ruff, ruff. I'm sorry, you didn't say you were a woman when you came on. Sorry. No, I'm all right. I'm on mic. Yes, just keep pissing, Margaret!

Starting point is 01:04:19 Piss! I didn't know. Piss! Keep drinking and piss! Ruff, ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Right, she's playing, is she? Ruff! Right! Yes.

Starting point is 01:04:30 Right, okay, I suppose I have to put up with it! Ruff! Can I ask you a quick question? After this, would you be prepared to piss on his backseat of his car? Yeah, sure, yeah. Oh, hello. She's a cheeky one, isn't her? You've been keeping that secret, haven't you? She's into piss play. I am still here.

Starting point is 01:04:50 Ruff, ruff. You know you like to do it too. Right, this is... Ruff, ruff! Oh, I can't take this. It's too saucy. Get up, you're making a fool of yourself you idiot right so how are we doing this then what are we doing for the brand off you're off off you will have to taste three hot sauces three three hot sauces rough rough and

Starting point is 01:05:16 then it's money it's all about the bloody money so you have to tell us which is the most expensive, on brand as it was. Yes. As it were. Ruff, ruff. No, I'm glad we did this. And which is the middle expensive and then which is the cheapest. Ruff, ruff. OK, I think I can do that. And you will taste a bit of each hot sauce, which we have failed to prepare. They're in a bag.

Starting point is 01:05:48 So I just leave loose sauce in a bag. We could have taken the plastic bits off. It's going to take forever now. I'll do that now. Right, so I feel time. No, let's have some fucking silence, dickhead. Listen, Ruff, I've got other ventures that make money, you know. Raph, Raph.

Starting point is 01:06:07 Time is money. Right, you will taste a bit of hot sauce disguised on a cracker. I can't eat crackers. These are vegan. I'll just drink it from the bottle. Are you gluten intolerant? Yeah. Oh, fuck's sake, Paul.

Starting point is 01:06:26 We can pull... You fucking didn't check that, did you? So what? So wait there, let me get this straight. We learned tonight she's into piss play, but not that she's gluten intolerant. We can pour a little bit in the lids. Get a spoon, then, we need some kind of sauce spoon. We don't have a sauce spoon. Pour a little bit into the lid. I'll just drink it from the lids. Which one do you want to do first?

Starting point is 01:06:46 That's the cheaper one, that's the middle That's the most expensive Do the cheapest one We need a receptacle We haven't got one We can't use the bloody lid of the sauce as a receptacle Because it will have some of the sauce that that was the lid of in We'll do a different lid for each one, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:07:04 Alright Christ, battery low Close the lid off in! Do a different lid for each one, isn't it? Alright. A little bit nervous. Christ, battery low. Oh no, I'm going to die. That's a lot. Ruff Ruff, you just need to taste a little bit. Just a little bit.

Starting point is 01:07:16 On the tip of your finger. Have a little dab. This is your first sauce. No, don't do that. Dip it. And we like tasting Ruff Ruff tasting notes, if you can manage that. Tasting notes. Yeah, like, ow, it's hot. What's that like, rough, rough?

Starting point is 01:07:31 Yeah. Oh, she's... It's a little bit fruity. Oh, fruity. What's the overwhelming? Is there a tartness? I see you're squelching your mouth, scrunching it. There's an overwhelming tartness. What's the amplitude?

Starting point is 01:07:43 It's a pleasant tartness. Okay, does it taste expensive? Cheap? Expensive? It tastes not massively expensive. Okay, that's sauce number one for you. Sauce number two is coming your way. Oh, God. Oh, God. I usually get a servant or someone to do this.

Starting point is 01:08:03 Yes, well, it's very out of character, me having to do this bloody business back here. Well, first of all, can you be in character first before you get out of character? It's usually a good rule of fucking thumb, mate. Sauce number two. This one is really red. It's a much darker hue. It's a blood red.

Starting point is 01:08:22 It's a darker hue than the first sauce. It is a darker hue than the first sauce. It is a darker hue than the first sauce. Again, we'd like some tasting notes. Oh, solid dip. Blood. Oh, Gordon Bennett. Oh, that's nice. Oh.

Starting point is 01:08:34 Oh. That's got like... More amplitude. Amplitude. That's it. When anyone but Paul says it, everyone goes fucking crazy. It's very spicy. That's hotter, is it?

Starting point is 01:08:49 Yeah, definitely. Hotter than the first one? Definitely. Do you think that's more expensive or less expensive? I'm going to say more expensive. Okay, just don't. Well, you've got one more sauce to go, Ruff Ruff. One more.

Starting point is 01:09:00 Fuck me. I hope they're not in hate order. On a hot date, having hot sauce, you're very brave. Thank you. You prefer the flavour of number two. Number two. Way, way better. We all prefer a number two.

Starting point is 01:09:10 Don't we? It's got a lot of depth to it. Yeah, number twos are always better. Right. Number twos are always more satisfying. Ladies and gentlemen, Sanya Rose. With her blue stand-up routine.

Starting point is 01:09:26 Oh, I've dropped my cane. Oh, no, your cane. You watch it, you. Ruff, ruff. Here's sauce number three, the final ruff, ruff sauce. Okay, this is a brown one. Brown-ier.

Starting point is 01:09:37 It's brown-er. This should have been number two. All right. Still might be. Tasting notes. Oh, it's chunky. It's got like bits in it. It's got dark bits in it.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Okay, here we go. Here we go. Look at your face. Yeah, it's great. Oh. It's your pot, mate. Oh. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:09:59 Oh, that's a hot one. Is that a hot one? Oh, she's having a hot one. Oh. Have we got some milk? No, she's got her yoghurt. Her special yoghurt. Manufacture yoghurt. Tasting notes for that one. Is that a hot one? Oh, she's having a hot one. Oh. Have we got some milk? No, she's got her yoghurt. Her special yoghurt. Manufacture yoghurt.

Starting point is 01:10:08 Tasting notes for that one? Just chipotle and heat. You had a smoked, I had a smoked rough. Smoked. A smoked note. A smoked note. Rough, rough. Okay, we need now, you had one, sauce one, which you said was tart.

Starting point is 01:10:22 Sauce two, which you said had great amplitude, and sauce three, which was a smoked note. So which was the most expensive? The middle most expensive and the least expensive. All right, shall I put them in order? Yeah, I'll bring them to you. I mean, that last one was... Yeah, but now you're letting her get... This doesn't work with the game, does it?

Starting point is 01:10:43 I've given up. Oh, it doesn't? You're not meant to see, it doesn't work with the game, does it? I've given up. Oh, it doesn't? No. You're not meant to see, we just want to know. I'm in pain. Again, planned show, not rehearsed. Subtle difference. Okay, so least expensive is the first one. Okay.

Starting point is 01:11:01 God, that last one. That one we can reveal now. Yes. Frank's Red Hot, extra hot. Yes. Frank's Red Hot. Extra hot. Right. It's a buffalo wing style sauce. I believe they have it on chicken wings. Always very tart, that kind of sauce.

Starting point is 01:11:12 Ruff, ruff. Very tart. And number two. Oh, God, that last one. What was the second hottest? Or the second cheapest? The second cheapest. The middle priced.

Starting point is 01:11:21 Oh, this is really tough because they feel like they're equal. Number two or number three? Number three is middle priced. Oh, this is really tough because they feel like they're equal. Number two or number three? Number three is middle range. Number three is a crazy bastard super hot reaper. Oh, a crazy bastard. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. It's a crazy bastard moment. I don't know what I'm doing.

Starting point is 01:11:41 I think I'm about to have heat stroke. I genuinely think I'm about to pass out. Is someone else coming in? No, I forgot to turn what I'm doing. I think I'm about to have heat stroke. I genuinely think I'm about to pass out. Is someone else coming in? No, I forgot to turn the sound effect off. Don't bring attention to it. And so you're saying the least, the most expensive is number two. It was number two, which was this bullseye Carolina Reaper with black garlic hot sauce.

Starting point is 01:12:01 Lovely. Absolutely delicious. Well, you got one out of three. Oh, one out of three. What was the one she got right? The red hot was. Lovely. Absolutely delicious. Well, you got one out of three. Oh, one out of three. What was the one she got right? The red hot was the cheapest. Oh, yeah, you could tell. Oh, you could tell. So what was the most expensive? It was the dirty bastard.

Starting point is 01:12:15 The dirty bastard. Isn't it always the way? Crazy bastard, sorry, but he's dirty as well. No, you were right. It was a dirty bastard moment. Oh, good. Ruff, Ruff, should I go off then and get into some other costume? Yeah, we're grumpy sessions now.

Starting point is 01:12:32 Fuck off. So there you go. You can take this with you as a little surprise. But now please leave our charity shop. Come on, Ruff, Ruff. Thank you. Goodbye. Thank you for coming into our charity shop. You can come by the limousine. How are you feeling?

Starting point is 01:12:49 Tanya, you can go off that way. Oh, I need the yoghurt. The young lady needs her yoghurt. No, you can just go off. It's all right. Don't... Oh, dear. Got yoghurt. The charity shop entrance is that way. There you go.

Starting point is 01:13:01 Ruff, ruff. Very kind of you. So, what enterprises are you up to now? Because you and Jimmy Biscuits are living together, aren't you? I'm bull steeping crypto. Ruff. Yeah? Ruff, Ruff.

Starting point is 01:13:14 What if I want to invest in your crypto? Oh yes, just sign a cheque and give me money. What's it called? What's the name of the fat coinage? It's called Ruff Coin. Ruff Coin. That's the least work I could do. Yeah, I know. Should I go? I don't remember. Yes, no, it was lovely. Thank you for helping us out with the brand off. Roth, Roth, yes, give me your money.

Starting point is 01:13:38 I'm just going to make a note. This idea isn't working. Oh, I tell you what. Oh, oh, I wonder who our next person's going to be. I right, when I don't know what I'm doing next I'll say ooh, see if you could spot it. Oh all right so I wonder who's coming in next. Oh the door's coming in. Oh, hello, sir. It's improv with a microphone. Oh, here I am in your charity shop. Hello, sir. Have you been in St. Chodney's before? Never. Why? Because of the name. Well, we have, we're doing a special today, sir, where we have a range of mystery bags, and if you purchase one, you can play with whatever's inside. Oh! It only works when I do it.

Starting point is 01:14:32 When you do it, it's just a little bit vulgar. This is sort of like a callback. I'm just trying to... Come with me a minute. I'll just take you out of the podcast. Look, mate, I know you came all this way and everything like that, but seriously, you need to step it up. I'm just trying you out of the podcast. Look, mate, I know you came all this way and everything like that, but seriously, you need to step it up. I'm just trying to have fun.

Starting point is 01:14:49 No, I don't want you to have fun. Step it up. All right, okay. All right, understood, understood. Stop crying. I just... Stop crying. All right, all right. Go on. Go on Oh, for some reason

Starting point is 01:15:09 there's a lot of fucking cows outside the shop today Do you know what he just called you, ladies and gentlemen? He called you cows That's Brexit Britain for you Oh, it's going to be a good day tomorrow, apparently Anyway, I think this bag will be good for you, sir. Right, so I don't get a choice? No.

Starting point is 01:15:27 Okay, cool. Because otherwise it breaks the format. Yeah, obviously. The conceit of the show. Let me pick this bag for you and see what we've got. What have we got? Oh, I wonder who left this. It's a script.

Starting point is 01:15:39 Oh! It says, The Iceman Cometh by Grumpy Sessions. Gritty reboot. Although you've written update, you prick. No-one updates a film series. You don't hear of the great DC update, do you? Update the script, though, don't they, you prick?

Starting point is 01:16:07 The reboot is the actual film! The update is the script is updated, you twat! Bullshit. Right, well, I wonder if... I tell you what. I wonder if Grumpy Sessions is here. Beep boop beep boop. Hello, Grumpy. You've left your script here.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Come and pick it up. Oh, oh, hello. Hello, everybody. Oh, oh, hello. Yes, Grumpy Sessions, hello. Hi, nice to meet you, Grumpy Sessions. Oh, it's lovely to meet another young thespian going out into the world, the whole world to stay.

Starting point is 01:16:42 Someone said that once. So listen, here's your script, tell us about it. It needed an update, Paul. The script, because it was originally you know, we call it a sex comedy

Starting point is 01:16:57 based in the ice cream trade. And I thought today's film's very gritty. Very gritty they're bang bang slash bang yes no they are they are like that they're very gritty with people saying oh listen you

Starting point is 01:17:14 listen I will hurt you good yeah I know so so I thought I thought, I thought, you know, I was out of copyrights. It was so bloody long ago. I'll update the script. Good plan.

Starting point is 01:17:35 Well, I'll tell you what, because you're an actor, aren't you, sir? Yeah, you keep bringing it up, yeah. I won't then. All right, then. You're a charming man. Are you an actor? I was led to believe you were. Yeah, yeah. Oh great, fantastic. I thought the board's been primed at all. Fantastic. Well I tell you what, why don't you have a little scene? I tell you what, you don't need to know the words, it's all shit, so just react to whatever he says.

Starting point is 01:18:02 Oh great, yeah. Now you, you in this scene, I need you just to improvise. I'll read the lines. I'll read the lines and you'll just see what comes from the heart. Okay. From the heart. From the heart. From the heart. The heart. You're playing a very young trainee ice cream salesman. You don't know the ropes. It's your first day and you're thinking, is this a cornetto or a bloody watsit? I don't bloody know. I'm sorry, a bloody watsit. You don't know. Okay, so I'm boss man.

Starting point is 01:18:30 Boss ice cream man I'll be playing here. Okay? Okay, so we'll do the scene. Hello, young lad. Hello, boss man. Have you sorted all these ice creams out? Well, I've made a start, but there's so many, I don't really know which one's which. You didn't give me much training, boss man.

Starting point is 01:18:49 Well, just try to do that. Try to do it with just a bit more fear. I like it, I like it, I like it! A bit more fear. Do you want to take it from the top? Why do you get on with this? Do you want me to get a director? Because I know somebody who can come on and direct this. Oh, if you could, oh lovely.

Starting point is 01:19:05 Just give me a minute, I'll see if he's there. Absolutely lovely, Paul. He was next door in the lounge. Oh, thank you for supporting my work. Thank you. OK, so do you want to take a take from the top or...? OK, OK, we'll take it again, we'll take it again. Hello, young man, have you...?

Starting point is 01:19:16 Ah! Have you sorted out these ice creams? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! No! What ice cream is this? Um, ah, ah, ah, let me see. Ah, ah, ah, ah, it's a... It's a...

Starting point is 01:19:38 Klepo. Ah! Now, just stop, stop. Good, very good. Oh, yeah, thank you. You're not actually scared of the ice creams themselves. Oh, OK, sorry, sorry. You love ice creams. What's this? Why?

Starting point is 01:19:56 Oh, it's Jimmy Biscuits, everybody. Why, it is I, Sir Jimmy... I forgot the fucking voice. It is I, Jimmy Biscuits Esquire, the most exciting and dynamic director in the world. Oh, Jimmy, hello. I can't believe that you're here today and you've invited me along to be one of your directors. We go way back, me and Jimmy. I see, I see, I see.

Starting point is 01:20:18 We used to work on pornos together. We used to do this, and we used to do that, and we used to do this, and we used to do that, and we used to do this. We did all this sub-Keef Lemon style posturing stuff. And just like Keith Lemon, I'm particularly bitter. Now what I see here is I need you to be, I've been watching from outside, I was watching out the window, I couldn't help but be sick with what I saw. Oh. Oh, okay. Sick out of my guts. I was

Starting point is 01:20:52 sick. Nice. Out of my mouth. Yes, yes. Onto the floor. Okay, actually sick then. I was sick onto the floor and then I looked at it and thought, Jimmy, you gotta step in. Step in the sick? Yes. I stepped in the sick and then I came out and I'm gonna direct you. So, you're lovely darling.

Starting point is 01:21:09 I love what you're doing. It's perfect. You, I want sexy. Can you be a sexy ice cream boy for me? Oh, yeah. Take it from the top, fellas. Okay, I'll do a whole thing. Well, come on, shall I?

Starting point is 01:21:20 Yeah, come on. Like a gazelle. Oh! What are all these ice creams? They need sorting. Sorry, they need sorting out. Sort these ice creams out. I'll sort them out, boss man. Oh, yeah. Jimmy Biscuit's gone hard.

Starting point is 01:21:41 I don't know if I'm comfortable with the direction you're taking this. I've got a 99 for you, baby. Oh, oh, oh. Remember the drugs we took in the 60s? I know, but I... Do you remember Holland Park, 1968? Holland Park? Remember what we did in Holland Park on drugs in 1968?

Starting point is 01:21:58 Was it a fondue-based party? Ecstasy. In 68, I think that was a bit early. Fuck off. Right how are we getting out of this? Because I've... Give me one more go. I want to see, I want to see a angry one. I want to see temper. I want to see frustration. Take it away. I've got this. Alright. Oh sort these ice creams out, will you? Will you? Fuck off! I like it. You want these ice creams sorted? Why don't you give me a fucking pay rise, you piece of shit?

Starting point is 01:22:33 You want ice creams? You want ice creams? I'll cover myself with your ice creams. How about that? Oh, I like this. Sorry about this, madam. I like this. Look. about this madam I like this look this is too hot for Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy might need to go backstage for just two minutes to have a long hard think about Yes, sir! Oh, God. Fuck's sake. I'll be back. Every time. Oh, God. Yes. He's a very eccentric director, but once he gets into it, I think you'll love working

Starting point is 01:23:14 with him. Now, if you'd like to come with me, we could go for it like a physical blocking of the whole scene. Absolutely. It'd be my pleasure. Okay. Well, come. I've got an ice cream van, because I do... This is the end of the bit, so I'm going to put the mic down. It's it'll be my pleasure. Okay, well come, I've got an ice cream van because I do... This is the end of the bit so I'm going to put the mic down.

Starting point is 01:23:27 It's the end of the bit, Ethan Lawrence everybody. Oh, is that all? Come with me. Come with me. I missed the whole thing. I wonder what happened. It was very exciting. Oh, now let me just check the stock. Oh, two bags. Oh, we've got, yeah, we've got time I think. I wonder who happened. It was very exciting. Oh, now let me just check the stock. Oh, two bags. Oh, we've got...

Starting point is 01:23:46 Yeah, we've got time, I think. I wonder who comes in next. Yeah, go on that, won't we? Fuck off. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What's the theme? Don't. Don't. What's the theme? The theme is...

Starting point is 01:24:16 Grease! Palm of my hand. I fucking hate you. You didn't know I was coming in, did you, Paul? I've been thinking about you a lot, though. I know. Well, if you know what, it's nice that you've come out of your hovel and been here with us today.

Starting point is 01:24:33 Well, I heard you'd opened a shop. Yes, St John's. Look at this lovely stuff we've got there. My Little Pony, sugar tea, wish, wish. I don't know what that means. Wish, wish. Look, see, what is that? Wish, wish. I don't know what that means. Wish, wish. Look, see, what is that? Wish, wish. I wish I had some beans.

Starting point is 01:24:48 Well... Have you got any beans, Paul? I like beans, it's my main thing. No, what we've got instead is a bag for you over here. Oh, yeah? So let me just have a little look. Hey, Eli, look who it is. Oh, hello, Beans. Hello, Eli, how are you? Oh, all right.

Starting point is 01:25:02 Lovely little boy. I think I need to sort this out and you need to go and do something, don't you? Oh, all right. Lovely little boy. I think I need to sort this out, and you need to go and do something, don't you? No. There's someone parking illegally that you need to sort out, put around the back in the alleyway. Right. Bye, Paul. I'll see you later.

Starting point is 01:25:15 Oh, I know who it is. It's the ice cream van that Scrumpy Sessions did. I'll move it. I'll move it, all right? And be quick. Be bloody quick, because I've got zero. I'm just going to go over here and see if you've got any beans. OK, good.

Starting point is 01:25:30 Is there beans? Just saw Beans back there. Oh, you're back. Good. He does get about a bit, Beans, doesn't he? He does. I've heard that rumour. What are we doing then? Well, um...

Starting point is 01:25:49 Getting time? Yeah, we really are, and I wish... I wish we'd thought about it. Oh, hello, there's someone coming in. Hello, little boy. Oh. Oh, hello. I think I brought in a donation by mistake.

Starting point is 01:26:05 I've just left another little donation on the floor. Hello, Madam Lady Plops. Hello. Hello, Madam Lady Plops. I was dropping off some clothes the other day and it turned out I dropped the clothes off at my local doctor's and I left my droppings here instead. That's what this is, is it?

Starting point is 01:26:23 Yes. OK. I didn't realise that Madam Lady Plops was in Gryffindor. My droppings here instead. That's what this is, is it? Yes. OK. I didn't realise that Madam Lady Plotts was in Gryffindor. I know. She has a very strange way of dressing for an old lady, that's for sure, yeah. Literally, outside, I looked in the mirror and thought,

Starting point is 01:26:38 this is just fucking Harry Potter. It doesn't look like a little lady at all. You've got a scar. Yeah. That is not Madam Lady Plotts. I told you to do it. Just anyway. This is the best we could do on our budget. It's not Madam Lady plot. I told you to do it. This is the best we could do on our budget. It's not the best you could do. Fuck off.

Starting point is 01:26:50 At least I'm staying in character, you horrible, palm, chunky, farmhouse, sausage-tanned cunt. That's it. I'm not going to be abused by an old lady who looks like Harry Potter. I'm out. Let me, Venus, move out of the way. I'm not going to be abused by an old lady who looks like Harry Potter. I'm out.

Starting point is 01:27:07 Let me, Venus, move out of the way. I'm not Venus. Hello? Jesus. Have some spatial awareness, Paul. So anyway, what I've got today, I want you to help me out. Oh, yes. I've got this bag, and unfortunately, it's got all my droppings in it. Oh, great.

Starting point is 01:27:24 But it's also got my ambergris. So I got a bit confused. This is revenge, isn't it? Yeah. So I've got some of my drops. What the hell are they? They look like foetuses. They're very sweaty.

Starting point is 01:27:41 Is that chewed gum? It's my droppings, sir. What I need you to do is open each one, take a good long sniff and tell me if it's shit or vomit and separate them out. That's literally it, at least when I did this we had Sonic the Hedgehog, we had had rings I also had some nice smells as a fictional cheap show character I do not understand your references fictional I just want you to sniff each one and tell me if it goes into the shit pile or the amber grease vomit pile smell it from here you sniff

Starting point is 01:28:20 it you sniff each one. Oh, look. Come on. Help an old lady out, would you, darling? Now, look, I don't know a lot about drugs, but was Eli's weed in these pots? Maybe. Is that why they've got names on them like... Ambergris?

Starting point is 01:28:39 Yeah, Purple Haze. Yes. No, these are what I call my stools. This one is alien dog. So sniff it. Quickly, times are wasting and unlike our shows, we don't run over necessarily.

Starting point is 01:28:54 Yeah. Also, unlike my show, I didn't insist upon having a 15 minute segment of my own, which made me overrun. Well, you could have cancelled us like I would like to cancel this segment Which one's that shit? Okay. Oh My darling wait, I need you to sniff this one. Oh

Starting point is 01:29:18 What's that vomit right? Who would you like to sniff? Would you like to... Oh, this guy will do it. Which is it? He knows the smell of shit, ladies and gentlemen. He's been down a few alleys. Anyway, my darling, what are you doing here?

Starting point is 01:29:40 Oh, is it finished, is it? You could just... Is that it? I didn't expect him to come on so't... You could just... Is that it? I didn't expect them to come on so soon. You could have waited five more minutes. It was really flagging though. I haven't had him sniff any of these yet and he's made me sniff so much shit.

Starting point is 01:29:57 I want him to sniff shit for a bit. On and off camera. I'll come in in a minute then, shall I? Just walk around the block. Sniff this. That's spam. You got a little bit of ploppers on you. It's good for you.

Starting point is 01:30:15 Oh, shit. Are you actually keeping tabs on what I'm getting right or not? You're not, are you? There you go, sniff this. Sniff that. Vomit. Yeah, there you go. Smells a bit pissy, though. Three more. Sniff that. Vomit. Yeah, there you go. Smells a bit pissy, that one. Three more.

Starting point is 01:30:26 Sniff it. Shit. Also, weed. I can just... That one's overwhelmingly weed. I've got a roughage diet. Have that one. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:30:34 And the last one, big boy. Ugh, fucking... Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit.

Starting point is 01:30:42 Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. And the last one, big boy. Vomit. This concept is disgusting. I'd never do something like this. Well, you have done me good. You've separated up my poo-pos from my blob-blobs.

Starting point is 01:31:08 And I feel better, so I can take them to the doctor. Now, where's my darling squishy, Jim? I'm sorry for pushing you out, darling. Oh, how are you doing, dear? It's been a while. Yes, I know. You can squish them later, darling. Can I squish them later? Yes, darling.

Starting point is 01:31:23 Thank you very much. Now, we have been together for many years. That's right. 30 years we've been my poop squisher. Madam Lady Plops, and I have squished in every poo you've done in public and in private. That's true. I did a poo-poo. And it has been my honour.

Starting point is 01:31:40 Poo-poo. My honour. What? What's going on? To have been your Squishery. And I just wanted to take this moment. Yes, Squishy. I have something here. Oh.

Starting point is 01:31:59 Would you do me the honour of becoming... Mrs. Jim. Mrs. Jim. Yes, I do. Would you do me the honour of becoming Mrs Jim? Yes I do! Oh! Oh! Kalu Kalei! Oh I squish it in, I squish it in, I squish it in! Oh, oh I squish it in!

Starting point is 01:32:20 Oh I'm so excited! I must tell my dead mother! I squish it in, I squish it in! Oh, I'm so excited! I must tell my dead mother! I squished it in. I squished it in. Oh, right. I'm off. I'll leave you with him. Make sure he gets out. Who's this? Some weird mash-up between Harry Potter and Inspector Morse, that. Nightmares.

Starting point is 01:32:36 So, er, you come to this charity shop a lot, then? Yep. My whole thing is like, my girlfriend shits on the ground. Oh, yeah. And then, oh, is that the time? Oh, my God. Great input.

Starting point is 01:33:02 Well, thank you for doing that. I'm so sorry. She's usually not so forgetful. So you can take these with you as a prize. No, no. for doing that. I'm so sorry. She's usually not so forgetful. So you can take these with you as a prize. Here you go. Take it as a prize. Have it all over your back, stinky shit boy. Give us the microphone, dirty shit boy.

Starting point is 01:33:17 Give us it. I love this. It's not even a show anymore. It's just revenge. Right. Okay, good. Oh, it's getting late. Blimey.

Starting point is 01:33:30 What have we got planned? Have we got one more? Oh, yeah. Okay. Ooh. Right. Ooh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:33:40 Oh, that's good. So, mate, did you see that? Squishy Jim and Lady Plot's getting married. It brought a tear to my eye. That must mean next year's Cheap Show is going to be a big wedding. CHEERING People fucking love a wedding, mate. We're going to make Scott and Charlene's wedding look like a funeral. OK. Suddenly you're here with me

Starting point is 01:34:02 Right between my thighs... I don't know how the lyrics go. Listen, we're going to close up shop soon, so hopefully there's going to be room for just one more person. Oh. I think that's from the last bit. Yeah, I think it is. Oh, there's someone now.

Starting point is 01:34:22 Oh, that's good, isn't it? I wonder who this is. Oh, it's Asht. Oh, that's good, isn't it? I wonder who this is. Oh, it's Ashton's and Octavia. It's Ashton's and Octavia's. Welcome into our charity shop. Take a look around. Does anything take your fancy? Maybe this coat or that eight-ounce.

Starting point is 01:34:42 I think that's the Big Brother board game. There's some crockery there as well. Crockery. There's loads of stuff. Or if you want, you can try and see what's in this special bag. I'll have a coat. Oh. Well, that's the show over, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:34:55 Thank you very much. If you could just go out to the sides. Would you like to take a trip with us to the land of fantasy? I don't know what I just said. Yes. It was meant to be ascendant but it came out as wank I tell you what let's give you this bag and see what's inside shall we Stuart and Octavius wait mate have you um if you if you got a t-shirt shirt that's got... Woo! Ooh!

Starting point is 01:35:28 Eli's lost his! Also, you didn't tell me you were doing this, so I didn't bring mine. I know. It was a surprise! Because it's time to do this! Ooh! CHEERING Right. Right.

Starting point is 01:35:50 Portions! Hey! Stuart, Octavius, sit down there. They're going to need the table, Paul. I know. Well, why don't you sit them here? Barry is here in spirit. Barry is making giant quality street.

Starting point is 01:36:09 That's not a joke. He literally is today. He can't get out of his house. He's literally got a giant green triangle blocking it. So, today we thought, what could we do, really? What could we do for you today to celebrate Barshan's? Barshens, the show that, unfortunately, gave the world cheap show. That's your fault. Don't blame me. We've had this before, Paul.

Starting point is 01:36:32 It's true, but it's still your fault. Would you like to do an apology to everyone who's turned up tonight? God, yes. Sorry, folks. And now we can rest Eli and go back to the spirit world. Ooh! No, we thought we'd give everyone a round of this tonight. It is the Plasticine King! Oh, look, all the plasticine.

Starting point is 01:37:00 This is the best format I ever came up with. On the downside, it kept meaning I had to buy loads of plasticine. It's really expensive. Yes, it is. So here we go. We've got some plasticine. It's all ready to go.

Starting point is 01:37:17 Eli, you're the plasticine king. It's all up to you now, so take it away. Hello, contestants. My liege. Yes. Today, simple, simple task. Two-word task.

Starting point is 01:37:36 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Scary table. It is. Scary table. That's it. That's all you're going to say? Scary table? There's no affection?

Starting point is 01:37:49 There's no drama to it? This is a scary table. Have you just phoning this in now? I totally am. I'm very hot. The king is hot. Thank you. All right, then fucking snatch it. It's my water.

Starting point is 01:38:05 I'm the king. Fuck off. You work for me. Scary table, Oxford educated. So you are an Oxford educated scary table? Yes. Okay. Did some work with Sam Raimi.

Starting point is 01:38:24 Now it's... It's moving into... It's got its own production company. Great note! Perfect shit. So, let me just go through this. Oxford educated, Sam Raimi fan, Scary Table. Anything else? Do you want an animal in there? Do you want a mood? It's got eyes.

Starting point is 01:38:44 It has eyes. Of course. Right, in that case you have... Scary table with eyes. We're going to give you a few minutes starting from now. Right, they're going, they're getting on. Scary table with eyes. Oxford... Yeah, I spotted that bit, cheers. Yeah, so scary table with eyes.

Starting point is 01:39:02 It was educated with Sam Raimi. No, no, it worked with Raimi. Oh, it worked with Raimi. It was educated at Oxford. Yes. Yeah, but he only worked with Raimi on films like The Quick and the Dead and The Perfect Game or whatever, that baseball one. You are not the king.

Starting point is 01:39:13 Quiet! Thank you. Yes. Apologies. So, uh... I knew I shouldn't have fucking done this game. I know, because it's not nothing to do I get fucking nothing to do

Starting point is 01:39:27 and you just get to be belligerent and ugly I am the king and portly and stupid fucking hell and sweaty

Starting point is 01:39:35 no one likes this I love you honestly too close we are too close but that's called love oh god they're getting on it anyway right now

Starting point is 01:39:47 Is there anything I can do my liege for you? Stand away from me On the other side of the table you can do that And also get my sweat rag please Your sweat rag? Yeah I need a dab of the sweat rag

Starting point is 01:40:02 How's it coming guys? Because we really are needing you to finish quite quickly Rydw i angen ychwanegol gyda'r rag ysgwyd. Sut mae'n dod, rydyn ni wir eisiau i chi ddiwedd yn gyflym. Mae'n ddigon o munudau ar gael. Mae'r plestysyn wedi llwyddo. Byddai'n dda iawn. Gallwn ni gael rhywfaint o magig, a ydym ni? Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd.

Starting point is 01:40:26 Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd.

Starting point is 01:40:42 Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. Ychydig o ffwrdd. How's it coming along? In my head. Fuck, all right, then. How's this table coming along? I see you've got some legs ready there. Yeah. Graeme, are you taking this in?

Starting point is 01:41:02 Are you all right? You got this good? Because the video version of this will show this. This is wasted on them. Especially the back. Sorry. This is just meaningless to you. It's almost like this doesn't really work very well with a live audience. Yes. I don't need to hear that from you. Just make your little table and don't write aah on the...

Starting point is 01:41:20 Oh, is that part of the thing? Oh, I thought that was a cry for help. I thought you'd just written, ah. It could be both. It could be both. It could be both. Someone please fucking help me. My hands smell of shit and hot sauce.

Starting point is 01:41:36 That's clean. That's the cleanest thing on this stage right now. Very good. Ah, nice. Yes. Mm, yeah. Ooh. Yay! Good structure. Good structure work there. very good ah nice yes yeah oh good structure good structure work there

Starting point is 01:41:49 very table like I'm seeing less tabley stuff from you I'm working on it alright this is the great thing about when we did Barschens we could take about

Starting point is 01:41:57 half an hour filming this and cut cut cut isn't that dynamic now you're sitting through it now this is your pain that you're sharing with us you didn't really think that through, did we? Yes.

Starting point is 01:42:08 God bless Linton. Seriously. So, seriously, guys, we're finishing up. Really? God, please. My table's cut off. Oh, shit. I can't fucking do anything with that. Get it working.

Starting point is 01:42:23 Yeah, no, I can. It's just the loose connection, that's all. Gadewch i mi gweithio. Ie, dwi'n gallu. Mae'n ymgysylltu llaw. Mae'n edrych yn ddrwg iawn. Mae'n ddrwg iawn. Nid ydw i'n gallu gwneud unrhyw beth am hynny. Rydym yn barod i'r diwedd. Gwneud am hynny. Mae'n barod i'w wneud.

Starting point is 01:42:34 Mae'n iawn. Mae'n rhaid i chi ei ddynnu'n ffwrdd. Mae'n iawn. Mae'n dda i'w ddynnu'n ffwrdd. Byddwn i'n rhaid i mi ddynnu'r cwmpas i mewn yn y llaw. Mae'n iawn. Ie, mae'n rhaid i mi ddynnu'r cwmpas i mewn yn y llaw. Rwy'n gwybod.

Starting point is 01:42:42 Rwy'n gwybod. Mae'n rhaid i mi ddynnu'r cwmpas i mewn yn y llaw. Mae'n rhaid i mi ddynnu'r cwmpas i mewn yn y llaw. Mae'n rhaid i mi ddynnu'r cwmpas i mewn yn y llaw. Mae'n rhaid i mi ddynnu'r cwmpas i mewn yn y llaw. Mae'n rhaid i mi ddynnu'r cwmpas i mewn yn y llaw. Mae You know what I mean? It's just unplugged. It's all just a big rat's nest back there, a king rat of wires. I can't just pull it all out now while the show's in flux, especially towards the end. It looks like fucking Tetsuo Iron Man. It doesn't look like... I'm really like Silverman, I appeal to weebs.

Starting point is 01:43:01 I appeal to weebs. Shit. Right. I think I fucked it right in the end. Fuck. Oh, shit. Okay, you're done. And, uh, Asens?

Starting point is 01:43:17 Yeah, let's see. How long has it been? Yeah, it's been almost five minutes. Shall we draw a line? Okay. All right, okay. She's adorable. It's very nice. We can use this presenting and present the front row. Okay. All right, okay. She's adorable. It's very nice.

Starting point is 01:43:28 We can use this presenting and present the front row. I'll present it, yes. I'll do that, actually. You present it. And let Stuart talk about it. Okay, this is Stuart's... Effort. I'm going to show the front row. I broke a leg.

Starting point is 01:43:40 Just talk. Don't follow me. I'm trying to look at the bloody thing. I'll bring it to you. Hang on, let me just... Here's the quick version. Oh, look. Oh, yes, look, it's a bloody table.

Starting point is 01:43:51 Show it to the camera. Oh, yeah. Right. It's... It is a table. Yes. It has eyes. And you can see that it studied sociology or something like that.

Starting point is 01:44:04 Well, to give you all the information, obviously, it's a table with eyes. Nice. You can tell it went to Oxford because there's a little chit from its government job. Oh, I see the chit, yes. Yeah, see, part of the government, probably. Is this another loose chit up here?

Starting point is 01:44:16 That is a Blu-ray copy of Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. And you see, it was catching up on its old mate, Raimi, and it just didn't like it. It's not like your old stuff, Sam, is it? Ooh, you've sold out. There is a big rift between them now. It's sad, and I'm very upset about it. But the scary part is, if you look underneath it,

Starting point is 01:44:34 it has another secret government information telling you just how much the energy cap is going to go up by in the future. Ooh, that is scary. That is scary. Not for me, though. I'm the king. I don't fucking care. Ain't that the way. So, nice.

Starting point is 01:44:50 Nice. I like the education. I like the structure, the format. It is a table. It has worked with Sam Raimi. It has eyes. It's a bit cute. It's a bit unscary.

Starting point is 01:45:00 I know the rice hike is scary to some people. A bit unscary. Let's just put that on the back burner. Right, we're on to number two. Right, that's there. Let's see Octavius's. Octavius, present yourself. Rwy'n gwybod bod y gwrth-gwrth yw'n ddrwg i rywun. Ond gadewch i ni roi hynny ar y bwyd. Iawn, rydyn ni'n mynd i nifer ddwy. Rydyn ni'n gweld Octavius. Octavius, cyflwyno'ch hun. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda.

Starting point is 01:45:15 Rydw i'n mynd i'r llaw. Mae'n ffleshy! Mae'n ffleshy a'n llwyr. Mae'n ffleshy a'n llwyr. Mae'n fel y ffwydrwch mhecsyc mwyaf. Mae'n ffwydrwch mwyaf. Oh, fleshy and sweaty. It's like the saddest Mexican wave. Oh, look at the fleshiness. Do you want to make any... I mean, it speaks for itself.

Starting point is 01:45:34 Do you want to point out any features for us? Well, so the letters ARG, they're made with flesh. They certainly are. Yes. It's basically your sort of millennial table. It's someone who's got a lot of student loan debt and has realised that their degree does fuck all. But it's a table as well.

Starting point is 01:45:56 Now, and I can see there's a lot of education going to waste there. Now, Eli, before you give it a king, plasticine king, if you don't mind, before you give your opinion on the winner and the loser, I do want to say what the stakes are now because I forgot to say what the stakes were previously. Remember years ago on Barshans

Starting point is 01:46:15 when I came up with all those clever games that never fucking worked ever, but the one thing that did work was this. That is the lump. And this time it's made from double dares. So it's this whole thing. Sorry, this whole thing. And what I love is if you look carefully, you can see the vein on that. There's an actual vein running along it. And it's a mixture of bubblegum, mouthwash, cola, dog food, chili, strawberry, tropical curry, watermelon, cabbage, birthday cake or soap, all wrapped up in a beautiful grey blob.

Starting point is 01:47:00 Look at that. Oh, it's stubbornly sticking to that tinfoil. It smells like everything. And probably tastes like everything, too. I will never forget the fear in Barry's eyes when he first saw version one of the lump. This is lump 2.0. He's perfected it, hasn't he?

Starting point is 01:47:21 Poo point O. That's like an uncooked Iceland sausage. My partner nearly ate that, thinking it was a sausage that I'd left for her. And it was one of those, you know, like... As I leapt across the room to go, No! And then she realised she'd made a terrible error

Starting point is 01:47:42 and put it back, but that's it. It's very tough. Now, Listen. Oh! I don't even know if you can eat that. Is there anybody there? You could kill someone with that. Like, in many ways. So, I'm afraid, Stuart, you're going to have to eat that because...

Starting point is 01:48:03 Wait! Your table... Huh? Is this the big announcement? Yeah. Oh, well, you're going to have to eat that because... Wait. Your table... Is this the big announcement? Yeah. Oh, well, your drama is shit. You just... I'll be finished. The winner's Bob.

Starting point is 01:48:13 Fuck off. Bye, everyone. It's like a bit of drama. You're the king building up. Well, everyone can see his table's not scary. And that is. They hit the back constantly. Even they can see.

Starting point is 01:48:24 Even... Oh! The king is displeased. And that is. Even they can see. The king is displeased. Very good. Very good one. Very good. Scary. Eat the lump. So, Stuart, I don't think you should bite it. Maybe suck a little bit and then put it straight in the bin. Just for context, folks, those really, really sour sweets we had earlier that were almost entirely citric acid have basically taken all the coating off our teeth.

Starting point is 01:48:54 So this is going to be especially bad. Do what you can. I'm not expecting a miracle. God, it smells of... Everything. Yeah. It's like if it's like if Willy Wonka had a mental breakdown and built that

Starting point is 01:49:09 yeah it's Willy Wonka's final Willy Wonka's mystery nugget I just took him out the back of the chocolate factory and shot him when he came up with this

Starting point is 01:49:22 it's made of the bones of Wonka bloody oh fuck my mouth. Umpalumpas? Ah yeah them. Not funny then. Definitely not funny now. Go on, eat the lump. I genuinely don't want to, that's rare for me.

Starting point is 01:49:38 Right. Oh it's tough. How do you break into a lump? I don't know if you can actually bite it. I don't know if it can actually bite it I don't know if it's That's astonishing We're talking a lot of sugar Then you've got some sort of

Starting point is 01:49:58 mint to it Then something I can describe as like rotten egg or something, probably one of the bad things Maybe a hint of blood I don't know if that's just my mouth Then something I can describe as rotten egg or something, probably one of the bad things. Maybe a hint of blood, but I don't know if that's just my mouth. Is there a blood-flavoured one? There was, they've replaced it with chilli now, because they used to have the strawberry or blood, and the blood was the most disgusting thing.

Starting point is 01:50:19 That's absolutely terrible, you should be fucking ashamed for bringing this into the world. The problem is, as we've all made a word tonight. I get deeply turned on by all of this I know every moment of suffering just gives me a little like that and it's great Thanks for coming never gets less comfortable. Never gets less comfortable. I tell you what all we'll tell you what? We've got a close-up shot now. So I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh It's nearly time to close the shop up. Bye-bye, Stuart.

Starting point is 01:50:48 Bye-bye, Octavius. Thank you for eating our lump. Mate, we've got to set this up, close this up now, because we're closing the shop up for the day. They're very particular about closing the shop. That'll do. That'll do. Careful with the mic.

Starting point is 01:51:03 Now, how much money did we make today, Mr... Oh, hello. I like the way you didn't go round the front and get it. You decided to do an impression of a gremlin and just reach from it out of nowhere. So, anyway, what money did we make today? Because they're going to expect results, the head office. We didn't sell anything. We just...

Starting point is 01:51:23 Oh, we did not take any money from anyone. No, no one bought anything. So we just gave a load of shit and made people eat shit and made them look stupid and wasted their time and energy and all the distance they came to come to this venue. Yeah. Great stuff. We did well. I tell you what, I'll lock up. Hang on, I'll lock up. Lock up the shop. Here we go. Nice to have people come in the shop though, wasn't it? It was nice. It was nice to have all those people. I didn't think we'd get much footfall because this shop is on the corner of an embankment. It's a nice bit of detail but it's not particularly funny.

Starting point is 01:51:56 I'm all for world building over gags. What do you mean on the corner of an embankment? On the corner of an embankment. There's a corner and then you go across it there's a corner. And then you go across it and the embankment's there. And the shop's here. And it's haunted. This shop is haunted by ghosts. Right, okay, then I don't know. It's got a sex monkey. I fail to see how this is connecting

Starting point is 01:52:21 to the thing we are going to do. Well, we haven't really got... Should we do it, though? I really want to do it, Paul, because I've been working on it for years. Well, a year. A year. But we haven't really...

Starting point is 01:52:34 We haven't performed it. We haven't finalised any lyrics. Can we just try? Look, this is the home crowd. Come on! Yeah. All right, OK. We'll do it.

Starting point is 01:52:43 Right. OK, let's do it, then. But bear in mind, this is going to be really rough. Hang on. It'll be a bit rough, but, iawn, iawn. Rydyn ni'n gwneud hynny. Iawn, gadewch i ni wneud hynny. Ond gadewch i ni ddweud, bydd hyn yn byddaf yn rhyfeddol iawn, gadewch i ni. Byddai'n rhyfeddol iawn, ond mae'n deall y syniad. Iawn, mae popeth yn iawn yn tecnicol. Dylai hyn ddynnu cerddoriaeth. Right at the end, Mr Silverman. Right at the end. I don't understand why it's not working.

Starting point is 01:53:18 Do that again. Get the playback and take that off. Start automatically. Start, yeah. Can someone help? Have you got it on mute? Have you got it on mute or something? I didn't put it on mute. Someone has.

Starting point is 01:53:36 There you go. Wait. Wait. Fuck off! Fucking... Who put it on fucking mute? Not me. How is it me? I've been on stage the whole fucking time! Got a fucking ton of wires. I've got the sound box out there not working. Is it sorted now? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:54:05 Possibly. Shall we give it a go? Let's do this bit, yeah. God. For fuck's sake. So, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're going to end with something we've been planning for a while. A few episodes ago, well, a while ago now,

Starting point is 01:54:19 we came up with something called O'Norman. And O'Norman is a musical that we want to try out today. We've been trying it around. So this is kind of a highlight pitch of O Norman. Eli's going to be playing Norman himself. And this is his opening refrain. O Norman, O Norman, you lonely little man You've gone to the grocers And all they had was spam

Starting point is 01:54:51 You've been in your bedroom Like a mucky little ferret And everywhere you've gone Don't you hate when people say it's, oh, Norman. And I play the role of the mother, who every night looks out of her window, wondering where Norman's gone at night and what adventures he's up to. Oh, Norman, I miss you, I love you, and kiss you, please come home. Norman, I miss you, I love you and kiss you, please come home.

Starting point is 01:55:31 You're sweet in my heart, you're my son from the start, you're my boy. You're out on the street and I don't know what you eat but it's frightening. You come home for money but you don't know how it is made Oh Norman, oh Norman, you grumpy little man You've been to the grocers but all they had was spam You're very pretty to a way in the cabin, you've got a lovely nose Oh Norman, I miss you, I love you, I kiss you, I give you my love Where do you go to at night while I'm on my own? Oh Norman, oh Norman, how does this man grow? He grows in a field, he grows just out round here

Starting point is 01:56:22 Oh Norman, oh Norman, you've got a little face. Oh Norman, oh Norman, your groceries aren't disposed. Oh no... Paul, that's me just getting to the end. It's just fucking come off again. The fuck is gone again? There's either a wire missing or there's something wrong. Paul, dyna'r peth sydd yn dod i'r diwedd. Mae'n dod yn ffwrdd yn ôl. Mae'n ffwrdd yn ôl. Mae'n amlwg yw yna'r ffwrdd neu mae rhywbeth yn anghywir. Paul, gallwn ni ffwrddio'r peth yn ffwrdd?

Starting point is 01:56:50 Dwi'n mynd. Gadewch i mi edrych ar y ffwrdd yn ôl. Dwi'n mynd. Pwys! Paul. Rhai, allwn ni ddod â chyngor? Paul. Guys, can we get some fucking help? Paul, can we get... Are you eating sweets now? He's fucking unconscious. You may not. Paul! Oh! Oh! Eli! Eli, look!

Starting point is 01:57:26 It's happened, I've made it happen, I'm a ghost! Eli, look! I've learnt all the secrets, Eli! I know what it's like in the afterlife. I have got unlimited power, Eli! Eli, look! Yeah, look, I'm a ghost! Yeah, it's real!

Starting point is 01:57:44 Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I'm going to affect every computer system in the world. I'm going to haunt every house. I'll be like... Where are you going? You come back! I'm being a ghost! Come back! Anyway, look, everyone out there. Oh, I'm a ghost, and I am invincible, I think. I don't know how it works being a ghost.

Starting point is 01:58:09 Oh, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing with that on? Take that off. Don't you get... Don't press that button. Don't press that button. No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioio Everyone. That's it!

Starting point is 01:59:01 And again! Ethan, Octavia, Mr Biffon, for the Horro Sanjeros, Stuart Asher. Thanks for coming! Thank you all for coming! Thanks for celebrating episode 300 with us. Take care. We're going to be outside once we've cleaned all for coming. Thanks for celebrating episode 300 with us. Take care. We're going to be outside once we've cleaned all this shit out.

Starting point is 01:59:30 And we'll say hello and goodbye and all those things to you then. But until then, thank you so much. Thank you and good night. Good night. Good night. Come on. Is that them done then? Hey, is that them done?

Starting point is 01:59:55 Are they out now? John, I'm standing right next to you. You don't have to shout. I don't know. These boys, they come in here. Yeah. This lovely building. And they mess the place up.

Starting point is 02:00:04 And me and you, we have to come in and fucking... I suppose so. I suppose you're right there, John. Yeah, that's right. I'm sick of the bloody mess these young'uns leave on the stage. They leave an awful mess. Look at this. Noodle packets of noodles all stroden. It's a bloody old noodle in a comedy show.

Starting point is 02:00:26 I don't know. I can't understand it. Back in my day, they all had funny lines. Are you just gonna stand there talking or are you gonna help me clean this? I'm sweeping up. I'm sweeping up down here though. Look at all these bloody hot sauce on the bloody floor. It's what's this mess all around here. No respect for the fucking hallow building we're in here, aren't you? Here we are, here we are.

Starting point is 02:00:47 Shut up. Shut up. I'm trying to do a job here, John, but you keep doing nonsense noises with your mouth, you know? It's just, yeah, yeah. Right, that's good, yeah. Anyway... Anyway, I've got to clean up. These boys are outside. What boys are outside?

Starting point is 02:01:06 Those two gees that did that bloody show. Do you want to... Oh, they're wet, yeah. ...get out of fucking shit. Why don't we give them a piece of our fucking mind, John? No, we can't do that. We'll get on with... Well, why don't make me listen to it, then? Your anger. You just let it out there.

Starting point is 02:01:21 And then there's the actual people who make you angry. You're just standing out there and You don't want to do nothing Fucking works, doesn't it? Fucking sweet miss up. I suppose so John. Yeah Let's grab a mop clean the stage go feed Martha to the pig feet Can we fight down on this now, Paul? It's already been faded out. Guys, keep sweeping.

Starting point is 02:01:51 Keep sweeping. Oh, bloody mess. What a load of shit that was. When you described this scene to me, it was much more realistic. You fucked it. You fucked it completely. What are you doing?

Starting point is 02:02:05 Stop. You fucked it completely. What are you doing? Shut it. Stop. Jesus.

CheapShow - Ep 300: The 3rd Live One!

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