CheapShow - Ep 302: Tea!

Episode Date: October 7, 2022

Sometimes an innocent enquiry can lead to a cavalcade of outrage, and this week on CheapShow, a simple test throws everything Paul and Eli know out the window. It’s a question they’ve posed in the past on the show, does how you prepare a good old British cup of tea matter? Does it really effect the taste? It’s time to put it to the test… and the results may be pleasantly surprising to some, and absolutely disgusting to others. Will you respect the results or call for blood? To calm the rage, we also have a chunky Silverman’s Platter to share with a dip into the world of “break-in” records, novelty songs about Jaws and the braggadocio of early rap artists. It’s quite the episode, and that’s before we even get to mentioning Paul tries to pitch a sequel to Clankerman to Eli! How will he take it? As ever, listen and learn! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-302-tea And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock

You rang? Shut up. That's not how we're starting. You tell me how we start then. It's all up to you. I would like to start by saying three words of contrition, Paul. Three simple words of contrition, okay? Take it away, Mr. Silverman.

Zinc. Motocade. I'll try again. Hang on. Let's do that. I like it. I like the way the chair raises up. I'm coming towards the camera now.

Here I am. Hello. It's not a camera though, is it, Paul? Oh, whack. Start again. Eli. Yes. I'm all laid back in the chair.

It goes back. And wait, if I adjust my weight. Oh, I've got to fuck out. I can't fucking. Hang on. Hey, it relaxes me into the position for the microphone to talk into. Thus, my voice recordeth. Paul.

Do you have, out of interest, Eli, just three words of contrition? Do I? Yeah, do you? It's funny you should say that, because I have three simple words of contrition. Three simple words of contrition. And I hope these, you know... I hope they count for something. I hope they count for something.

Eli, give us your three words they're my words though Paul so stop trying to I'm not going to take your words why are you nicking my words I'm not I'm just giving you you're fucking always nicking my words you know that

when we were doing the bit where Squishy Jim fucking proposes to let Madam Lady plops yeah and I go will you make me my line was meant to be

will you be Mrs. Jim and I paused because it's And I paused, because it's drama, I paused slightly, and you jumped right in to nick my line, because you like the line.

No, here's why. It's there on the tape, Paul. No. It's there on the flipping tape. First of all, there was no script for this show, so there was no line for us to talk. We discussed it.

We discussed that line. Second of all... You stole that line from me. Second of all, because you've been so low energy the whole fucking second act, and burning out before things even really got started and just being utterly unprofessional and shit towards the end that i just thought you'd forgotten or you just being too lackadaisical either way i thought i'd speed the thing up the pause was a microbe

it's called drama it's not there's no time for drama in the cut and thrust of comedy it's called performance paul it's called acting. You don't know fucking shit about acting. I'm going to say it. You think of yourself as an actor because you have acted, but you are not an actor. You haven't got enough miles on the clock to be considered an actor. I have done plenty of acting.

You don't listen to people on stage. You're wrapped up in yourself the whole time. That's not true at all. You have no self-awareness. I'm leaving. That's it. I will not be called a bad actor by you. You line-stealing cunt. I'm not lying. There's no lines to steal. It was an improvised show, you

fucking nest-faced cunt. You're being all nice to me today, right? You're the one kicking off now. And then we fucking start a fucking show and suddenly I'm a bad actor who doesn't listen on stage. I won't have it. I will not have it what's coming up on the show then today, Paul.

I thought you were doing three words of contrition. Right! Do you want to hear my... before you nick them from me. Does anyone want to hear my three words of contrition? I'm angry with you. Right. Do you know what the third one is now? You remember it? Yes. Do you though? I've got it in my mind. So you've got zinc, you've got motorcade,

and what's the third one? You can't! Don't fucking nick it! You can't remember it, that's why. Vapor wave. That's my third word of fucking contrition. And that's our cold open. Oh, God, the worst ever.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep Cheep Show It's the price of shade Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where me and my co-host go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain

And we bring you, or we try to, bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash And I'm Paul Gannon and and my co-host is... That's me, Eli Silverman, the co-host of this show. And we're thrilled, absolutely thrilled to be bringing you the content this week that we've found out and about in the great British countryside. And Eli, step in. Brain not working. Sense and stop. Brain working, not working? Yeah.

I could just do... I was thinking maybe something along the lines of, Eli Steppen, brain not worky. Sense and stop. Brain worky, not worky? Yeah. I could just do something. I was thinking maybe something along the lines of we go out, we scrimmage, we scrubbage, we scramble, we get in the undergrowth and we rustle around in the cultural undergrowth. Here it is. What's this? It's an old discarded object. Oh, I think Paul's falling asleep.

Paul? Paul? I'm asleep, Eli. Paul? What if someone were to touch my winky while I was sleeping? Oh. Oh. I'm having a...

We got nothing. We got nothing this week. Wow, sorry got nothing. We got nothing this week. Wow, sorry guys, we got nothing this week. Paul's really derailed me by saying I'm a bad actor. That's alright, I've been saying it for years. I know. This is not new. Just trying to get a rise out of me, weren't you?

Yeah. It worked. Anyway, hello, welcome to the podcast. I'm feeling laid back today. It's because of that fucking chair. I love this chair It's bad for your I just want to do this

Lay back Stop doing that We're trying to do a podcast I can't It's too comfortable Eli Come on Cutman Raise yourself And when are

Lady Plops And Squishy Jim Going to tie the knot Well I spoke to Lady Plops On the phone last week Funnily enough, and she was saying they haven't got a date yet,

but it'll be summer next year, they think. So they reckon there's going to be a big wedding. Also... Is it poo-themed? Because that's their thing. I don't know. I don't know. Perhaps they're going to tie the knot at 2.22.

Number two. At number two, at 2.22. Perhaps it'll be 2.2-themed, because twos are poos, Paul. Twos. i'm having a scrimmage oh it was going so well sometimes you start a sentence and i'm invested and then it just all goes bingy bongy bam bam doesn't it at the end of your sentence just to be clear what's the point of you i don't know what is the point of me paul shall we get into it no i don't want

to get into i'm a good actor i know that much yeah and i had i did a lot of acting before yeah i have i have actually um and also there was that fucking review that we got in chortle what we talking about now how good i am at acting no one reviewed your acting on chortle they bloody did the first review we got the first edinburgh did with rogues handbook yeah it contained the line and I clearly remember this. Of course you did because you invented it in your head. Eli Silverman appears

to be the only one who can act. That's not the sentence. How much do you want to fucking bet? None. We could do a fucking web search for it.

Hey, the last thing I want to do right now is read an old fucking review of a sketch that we did 15 years ago. No, I don't. It's depressing as fuck. Should we start

this whole episode again? Yeah, and what's great is as well, if you were such a good actor by then with such hope and promise, think about the start this whole episode again? Yeah, and what's great is as well, if you were such a good actor by then with such hope and promise, think about the time and distance between that article and now

and what you've done in that time, which is a big fat zero. I wrote and performed in an award-winning short film, Paul. Did you? You might have heard of it. I don't remember it at all. Clankerman, it's called. Well, I'm making a sequel to that

called Clankerman 2, Judgment Clank. It's about a Clankerman sent from the future. I'm liking this idea. It's not mocking me. I'm not actually up for this. A Clankerman's been sent

from the future to go back in time and find out these missing sounds that they need in the future to bring calm. So there's a sound

like the whales in Star Trek 4. It's like, but there's no whales anymore so they have to go back in time and get whales. It's like, he has to go back in time and get like a's like he has to go back in time and get like fine sounds like like a glove to put on a railing or 20th century something like that yeah i'm liking what you're here i'm hearing about

this paul can i just ask one thing love interest well this is interesting this is where this is where i'm spicing it up right because the love interest is also the villain do you mind if i just touch yourself as you describe yeah go for it who are you getting who are you getting to be my fat fat buddy on the now my heart my heart says Miriam Margulies

for the role right yeah but I know for a fact Maureen Lippman's for work yes fucking Lippman so Maureen Lippman I'm going to cast

Sarah Green Lippman no that's for my film you fucking leave Sarah Green alone that's my film when I make Ghostwatch 2 oh Ghostwatch 2 yeah Oh, Ghostwatch 2. Yeah.

The glory hole. Yeah, where I go into the glory hole. Return to the glory hole. That's what it should be called. To save Sarah Green from the void. If your listeners don't know what we're talking about. I don't give a fuck, mate. This is our thing.

Ghostwatch was a very famous. We've talked about Ghostwatch numerous times on the postcard. We went to see it at the BFI, didn't we? Yeah. And it was very enjoyable and a brilliant night but we didn't no one in the audience remembers that there is an actual glory hole as in the non-porn meaning of that yes it's just a glory hole because back in 90 what 93 whatever that thing came out it's like the glory i was like oh it's unsettling spooky place you know i can get while it was like it's like a cubby hole underneath the stairs. Is that right?

Yeah, that's where Pipes was found dead with all the cats eating and stuff. So that was the original definition of glory hole was just a small... No, it wasn't.

I mean, I don't know. Well, why is it in that script then for Ghostwatch? Well, this is the thing. I don't know when glory hole became glory hole. That's what I mean.

Glory hole had a non-porn meaning before which they were using in Ghostwatch. Which I presume must mean some kind of like... A small cupboard under the stairs or something. Or a hidingwatch. Which I presume must mean some kind of small cupboard

under the stairs or something. Or a hiding place. You know what I mean? Like, you know those monks that used to hide from the persecution? Yeah, something like that. Maybe it's something like that.

So when we were watching it with a full audience... And then one day a monk got his cock out and put it out the hole. And then they were like, that's the real glory. Glory be to God!

I'm fucking spanked in this young child's mouth. Nice stuff. Well, they did. No, I know. Catholic Church. No, we all know about the filth and depravity

that the Catholic Church consistently clean up. Well, that's what I was trying to make a point, a political point about the Catholic Church. No, good, this is the right place for that.

This is the right place for it. I was just innocently suggesting a monk giving up his higher place. Who would he be? Who'd be sucking the monk's dick on the other side?

It'd be a younger monk, wouldn't it? Yeah, a monkette. Probably an exploited monk. A monklet. Yeah, a monklet. Cutify the the word the monklet at the glory hole now which sounds like a kind of thriller yeah that's a good one poor anyway maureen littman plays the magistrate of the dark void right the magistrate of the dark void and she represents it And what they want to do is bring silence to the galaxy because noise offends them. And any culture that makes noise needs to be silenced.

And so the Clankerman, in the future, they've achieved that. So the Clankerman's coming back to make fine, ambiatic noise. He has a dalliance, does he? There's going to be a hot love scene where Maureen Lipman invites you to a green palace, right? Oh, it's all green. It's like Emerald, you know? Just like in the Dangerous Davies movie.

Yeah, I'm updating it for the future sci-fi. Excellent. And she's in this kind of weird chair, which has tentacles coming out the sides of it. And as you walk towards her to make your thing, you're trying to talk to her. You want to politically talk this out without bloodshed, right? Clankerman wants to do this. I walk up, I'm'm very serious then i glance down and the fucking camel toes fucking camel toe

mumbling at me the mumble of the camel toe we'd have to use some kind of cg or prosthetics for her oh i've got the prosthetic already i don't know ask me why don't ask me why i've already got it oh well i'd be interested in borrowing that we can share it later if you want this is ridiculous it's got two working orifices and three speeds just splash a bit of green on it

make it a prop splashy splash splash anyway you go up to Maureen Lippman and it doesn't work and her tentacles

lift you up into the air and bring you towards her right face to face and she goes you will fuck me but you shall not make a sound and then you

have to have a completely silent sex scene with her where it's like i can do that man because if you make one sound i'll eat your heart out so the whole scene is like widows yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so there's a whole doctor octopus black widow sort of me yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then i'm sitting on a floating cloud making copious notes of everything you do. All right, well... And it's my... And I judge

if you keep silent. Now, what ends... Right, the irony is is that at the end the ejaculate sound you make is the sound that brings the universe peace. Ah, I see.

So when you go... Like that at the end and you fucking jettison your nuts into her. This is like an 18, I'm thinking now. There's like a sound way that goes throughout the galaxy and brings peace and order. Well, Paul, I have my issues.

I like where you're going with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we need to tone it down, perhaps behind closed doors. Have a think about it. I've got a Maureen Whitman mask, if you want. Maureen Whitman? Who's that? It's a knockoff of Maureen Whitman mask, if you want. Maureen Whitman? Who's that? It's a knock-off of Maureen Whitman.

It's a copy character. It's a copy character of Maureen Whitman. Now, what's going on with that? Because there is gun turrets. Well, that's why we're recording in Harrow again, because we can't get into your place anymore. There's basically a champagne room. They've turned the house of mashed eggs into a champagne room.

They've annexed the whole fucking podcast, like Russia and the Ukraine. That's why we're back in the Harrow estate again today. Back in Harrow. Now, I was sent a joke by my boomer parents. Good. And? Do you want to make this quick?

This is already 10 minutes, and it doesn't need to be. We have, we've actually. We've reached peak, peak intro. Paul, just to be clear to everyone, okay? This segment's losing energy, mate. No, it's fine. I'm going to pull it round.

I'm pulling it out. I'm pulling it round. Yeah, he's pulling it. Come round here. Come round here and pull it out. You've been doing that since, like, episode 100, aren't you fucking tired? Yeah.

It's a phrase I use, okay, Paul? It's part of who I am, yeah? Anyway, your boomer joke parents. No, I'm not doing that. No, you've got to now. You set it up. I can't remember it. Otherwise, it's going to ruin the edit.

I can't remember it. So why did you bring it up because i thought i could remember it what's the punch line uh you're a co-sucker yeah great coburn someone sits down and he's called coburn but he's a he's a hit the actor coburn no the the surname coburn coburn so there's some hick from out of town he sits down and guy, and he looks at some sherry and goes, oh, Cockburn sherry. Yeah. And the guy next to him goes, actually, sir, it's pronounced Coburn.

And he goes, oh, thank you, co-sucker. Oh. See, like one of those. Woo. I mean, I'm not going to say you completely ruined this segment, but you have. I totally have. Just, I'm going to pull this all around and tie a bow on it now, okay?

Tie a bow on it? Tie a bow on it. Okay. If you like it then, you better tie a bow on it. Zinc is the substance that you take to make your cum rich and creamy. Not magnesium, as we espoused on the podcast. Magnesium, I think, is something that you do need in your diet as well. I got vitamins, mult-vitamins.

And I've seen a difference to my junk spunk as well as a result. No, you haven't. You fucking haven't. I am. Do you sniff your own cum like a filth monster?

I have to usually because it's all over my face when I'm done. Shall I edit this bit out? Please. Please do. Nah. All right.

Zinc makes your cum hard. Motocade is what you drive along in If you're Biden But not hard Doesn't make it come out like bullets Does it? It does No it doesn't

It fucking does It adds What like that cornflower stuff That when you're punching it's solid But when it dribbles through your fingers It's wet It's not No it's not a semi-solid

It's spank mate And it shoots out It doesn't come out like icicles though It shoots out It comes hard It's not hard It's a hard flow You're talking about You're talking about the out. It's not hard. It's a hard flow. You're talking about the gush being hard.

Look, it's a hard gush. Imagine this, right? Imagine I turn a hose on. A normal garden hose, yeah? This is almost 15 minutes. Wrap this up. A normal garden hose. Yes.

And I turn it on. I put it against your face. Oh, that's hard. Like that. But cum. Right. So the cum itself is not hard. Zinc makes you cum hard. Next. It doesn itself is not hard. Zinc makes you cum hard.

Next. It doesn't make your cum hard, it makes you cum hard. It makes your hard, you have a surge of, oh, mate. The flow is hard. The flow is firm. Yeah, it's a firm flow. Next. Motorcade's what Joe Biden drove past me in.

And third and foremost, Vaporwave is the recent genre of music which is not that recent but there you go right on the show today we're talking about tea and we're doing records see you after the sound effect hey it's tea time eli would you like a cup of tea i always love a cup of tea paul i like green tea i like black tea i like oolong tea? I always love a cup of tea, Paul. I like green tea. I like black tea. I like oolong tea. I like jasmine tea. Recently I've been enjoying. I like iced tea.

I love iced tea. Especially his early work. Okay. Oh, that's really left me... Yeah. Left me hanging. Why? Anyway.

Tea parties there used to be, didn't there? Yeah. No one has tea parties anymore, do they? No, it was a 70s thing, wasn't it? You'd put all your tea in a bowl, and then you'd reach in and take a bag out, and then you'd make a cup of tea with that bag. That's not true.

It is true. You look it up with your internet. Another type of party that is what did exist, but no one goes for now, bean feasts. Bean feast party? Yeah, we remember seeing that on a wall, didn't we? It was a ghost sign in Hampstead. Maybe for a bean feast party.

He's like, yeah. Flicking the bean feast. Hey, darling, want to come to my bean feast party? I'm a bean feast. I'm a bean beast. And I've had a lot of zinc. I'll feast on you. Imagine making a cup of tea with Spunk.

Well, that's funnily enough what this segment's about. Oh, no. I'm going to make three cups of teas, and one of them's got my drippings in. No, I mean all spunk. Like, there's no water. It's like a cup of spunk with a cup of tea. I mean, it'll spoil before you can fill the cup.

Well, you'd have to warm it as well. You'd have to keep it just warm the whole time, wouldn't you? You'd have to have it on one of those student ovens, you know, that you get fill the cup. Well, you'd have to warm it as well. You'd have to keep it just warm the whole time, wouldn't you? Keep stirring it. Have it on one of those student ovens, you know, that you get in terrible accommodation, just babbling away the whole day. Blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp, blomp. Oh, Spong's ready.

One lump or two. We have fun on this podcast, don't we? Spong tea. Do you like tea, though, Paul? I do. And the reason why we're talking about tea is because remember months ago now, we did eggs, because you said eggs is eggs. And they turned out to be eggs, didn't they?

Largely eggs. Yeah, the taste was, you know. Eggs taste like eggs, mate. Eggs all over the world. Eggs taste the same. It's a shame, but it's a true fact. Now, a lot of people still won't accept that when I talk to them about it, Paul. They won't accept that eggs all taste the same. Egg den a shame, but it's a true fact. Now, a lot of people still won't accept that when I talk to them about it, Paul.

They won't accept that eggs all taste the same. Egg deniers. And it's fine. For me, that's a benevolent falsehood because by buying more expensive eggs, you're helping the welfare of chickens. I guess, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

So that's good. If that lie keeps a certain part of the industry in a better place, then yeah, fine. Absolutely. But what we're talking about with tea here is an absolute sacred cow, which we're going to deflower today. We're going to fucking... You know what?

I'm actually going to stop myself. I'm going to give myself the hand to stop that analogy from developing. But we all know where it's going, and I would have cut it out anyway. So it doesn't matter, does it? Doesn't matter. There is a thing about how tea is made right the the order of all business when it comes to making tea and the overall agreed opinion is what eli tea bag in the cup tea bag in a cup water freshly boiled but not just off the boil yes so it stopped

bubbling yeah then pour it on to the tea bag yeah leave it for about two minutes at the most i've heard three in some cases but I don't know you don't want to stew it because it gets all the greasy bits and tannins

because it's horrible staining, nasty but up to two minutes let's say then you give it a stir maybe and a squeeze against the side just a little bit just a little squeeze

flip it in the bin milk it and sugar if you take it and then sometimes you get people who will go, nah, put your tea bag in with the milk. And just pour the whole water on. And people freak out, don't they? Now, there's a funny thing about tea, isn't there, in this country?

It's one of these national emblems, isn't it? It's weird, though. Because when you think about it, Britain's actually more of a coffee country, historically. Coffee was first, right? Well, I mean, for instance, even in the late 1800s, maybe in the 1700s,

I don't know the history. No, it was 1700s it was introduced, I believe. There were coffee shops in all over London, like there are today. It was a huge craze when it first came over. Yeah, but you never really had as many tea shops to the same extent, because I think coffee shops were seen

in the same way as, to some extent, opium dens. They were like hangouts. They were places where the artists went and blah, blah, blah. Yes, because, I mean, you have to imagine what the impact, it's very difficult to conceive of what the impact of caffeine would be like on a society that had never experienced it. How psychoactive it would be. How much of a rush, you know?

It'd be like doing cocaine or something. But Eli, tea has the exact same quantity of caffeine per pound as the cup. It does not. That's largely true. The difference is that you put a lot more coffee in your cup than you'll put tea in a tea bag. So you won't have as much caffeine in a cup of tea as opposed to a coffee because the ratio is completely different.

Yeah, of actual material. Yeah. Coffee's higher. Also, people think that espresso is really caffeinated and like, oh, I can't have an espresso because it's going to give me a jag. Yeah. But that's not true.

It's not true. Filter coffee, cup of filter coffee, you have a lot more caffeine in than an espresso would. But we're talking about tea. Which is why people have espressos like on the continent,

they'll have one after dinner. Anyway, we're going to just get moving this on. It's not a coffee conversation. That's another day. Another day. Can I just make one more point about how tea is... No. One more point. No, I another day. Another day. Can I just make one more point about how tea is...

No. One more point. No, I'm your boss. No. Can I just make one more point then? All right. Come on, you haven't raised the wages in 12 years like the rest

of the fucking country. True. But also, you haven't delivered content in the same way. Oh, God, I delivered content. Let's not get into this again now. Please. Bad actor.

I'm a fine actor. I'm not going to say I'm brilliant. Make your point. I'm a fine actor. I'm not going to say I'm brilliant. Make your point. I'm a capable actor. Make your point and I'll dock your pay. £10 per point. Tea. £10 in my pocket.

No, start this. Shit. You didn't pay me that £10 from the quest still. I did. I'm not going to get into that. Right, okay. Tea, right. Yeah, coffee was first

and coffee, funnily enough, was subversive but also led to the development of the stock market. Okay. Did you know that? No. That started in short- We're not talking about coffee, though, are we, today?

Stop making it about coffee. Tea is this symbol of Britain. We love it, but it's totally linked to the imperial era, India. Yeah, because it was one of the things that went out there and drank, isn't it? In China, yeah. And then it took over. Anyway, people in this country, Brits, they get went out there and drank, isn't it? In China, yeah. And then it took over. Anyway, people in this country, Brits, they get really shirty about it, don't they? Fuck off, it's tea.

People would scoff at the idea of putting milk in tea full stop. Yeah, I mean, China, where it's like a huge, even more of a culture ingrained in their society. It's huge there. They don't drink it at all. They don't put fucking cream in. Honey, little bit. You know what I mean? I imagine that. But come on now, come on now. Now, green tea it. They don't put fucking cream in. Honey, little bit. You know what I mean? I imagine that.

But come on now. Come on now. Now, green tea, you know, is exactly the same plant. Yes. It's just dried to a different... Yes. And same with white tea as well. Yes.

But today... I'm going to move this on. Today, we're going to do an experiment where we're going to tackle that issue of how you prepare tea for the best. Because I honestly think, unless you see it getting made, you'd never know.

I think maybe that, but maybe I'm going to prefer the heresy cup which is where you put the milk and the tea bag in at the same time yeah

and then the water because people are like never never never but mate here's the thing I'm going to add a third random factor cup the third option

now I think this might fall off I might not be able to tell but it might be a good barometer of the other two yeah my theorem is I'm going to take I think this might fall off. I might not be able to tell. But it might be a good barometer of the other two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My theorem is I'm going to take- Our third test cup today.

Yes. This is a complete edgelord angle on this. And by the way, everybody, we will be using exact measurements. Water, steeping time. We're going to come up with that in a second. Yes. But the third cup will be a cup with milk in, then hot water and then add the tea bag and then stew it for the same time, stir it, squeeze it.

I can hear people screaming. I can hear windows being smashed around the country right now. Honestly, people dogs being kicked, children being beaten. It's come up on those panel shows. I think Stephen Fry has commented about it. On the QIs. And Dara, perhaps when Dara

O'Briain was on QI. He's been on QI a few times, commented about it on the QIs and Dara perhaps when Dara Breen I don't know was on QI he's been on QI a few times hasn't he I think it came up and they were like absolutely not

they were very you know progressive probably politically they were extreme dictators about how the proper way to prepare tea

that's when people's liberal values just fucking go out the window when it comes to tea they won't accept it I call them dick tea tours I knew you were going toits. I call them dick. They won't accept it. I call them dick-titors.

I knew you were going to say that. Dictaties. Either one works really, doesn't it? Tea-taters. What happens if you cross Hitler with a chick? Here we go.

Dictator. Dictator. Well, you could say cross a penis with a fascist penis who likes potatoes. No, it is. What happens if you cross Mate, I don't care. a fascist, a penis and a potato A fascist penis who likes potatoes. No, it is. What happens if you cross...

Mate, I don't care. A fascist, a penis and a potato. Dictator. Dictator. Great. Dictator tot. Yeah, but we're not doing... Ah, that's a good one.

So, we have three versions of tea and I'll be doing a blind, not an... You don't need to be blind because I'll just tell you how. I'm going to do it in the kitchen separately. I will be blind to which tea is which. Yes. I'll bring you in three cups.

You will take a sip of each and you will say, one is made with the tea bag in first, one is made with the tea and the milk in first, and one is just the hot water and the milk first, then the bag. So I will be trying to differentiate and tell you which is which, as well as saying which I prefer, right? Yes.

Now, let's quickly come up with the parameters, because we haven't got the measurements. We'll do that once we get to the kitchen, and we'll report back. But the idea is we'll use the exact same amount of hot water in each mug. We'll use the exact same measurement of milk. Yes, important. And we will...

Same brand of tea bag, obviously. What have you got, PG? We have Yorkshire Gold today. Oh, okay. Now it's a good cup of tea. That's a strong brew. Yeah, all right. And I'm thinking, how long do we let it steep for?

One minute untouched and then a stir and then a squeeze? Minute and a half. 1.30 just in the bag on its own, no jostles? I think, yeah. And then the squeeze, and then out, after a minute and a half. I'm going, so wait there. I'm going to stir it. Let's talk about this.

How many stirs, clockwise? Ten? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, five. One, two, three, four, five, squeeze, remove. I think that's quite standard, isn't it? I'm just going to write this down. Five rotations. Yes, five rotations. Then a squeeze, and then out. Squeeze, out, and then that's quite standard, isn't it? I'm just going to write this down. Five rotations. Yes, five rotations. Then a squeeze and then out.

Squeeze, out, and then serve. And then serve. And then serve. So what we're going to do now is we're going to go to the kitchen. Gannon's, Golden, Granary. Well, that doesn't matter because that's the parameters that stay the same across all three things. Oh, I see. Right.

Well, if you want to, I'll write it down where we'll have one, which is... The milk and tea bag start together. No, just tea, hot water, milk. And then two is tea, then milk, then hot water. No, the first one is you do the stirring and you take the tea bag out before you put the milk in. The milk is the very last thing. Yeah, but that's why I'm saying and milk. I'm going to tell you the order in which these things are going.

Okay, fine. As long as you understand. And then third is milk and then hot water and then and then the tea you see what i'm saying yes this is not what we're doing with them this is just that's the order of how we're introducing into the cup yeah right yeah we're going to go both into the kitchen we're going to both look at the parameters of how much holds a cup and all this stuff and come back to you but then eli's going to come back here and they're going to do the taste test and we'll do the taste test then let's begin let's head over to gannon's Golden Granary. What? I don't have a country noodle kitchen, do you?

A granary? Isn't a granary a kitchen? It's a loaf. What's another different type of kitchen name? Gantry. Gantry? Gannon's Gantry? Yeah, see? Gannon's Grub Gantry. Yay! We're going to Gannon's Grub Gantry. Sounds like a disease, though. Eli, the tea has been served. I can see there were three cups before me, Paul.

We have. Just so everyone can, in their mind's eye, imagine what you're seeing. One is a glass cup with one tea in. One is a, would you call that a china style design blue china a blue china design and then a white cup with blue and white stripes so that's one two three right glass china stripes okay okay yeah i've made them differently one had the tea bag in first then the water and then the milk last after you're taking the bag out yes that i think is everyone's yes yes yes that's the holier than holy.

Yeah. Second one was milk in, then tea bag, then hot water. They said snotty people look down on people who do that. Yeah. And then the last one was milk first, then hot water, then the bag in. That's crazy talk. And that's like an American who's never done made tea before or something. The tea bags were in the water for the exact same time, one minute, 30 seconds,

and then stirred five rotations, squeezed, and instantly put into the tea receptacle bag. Again, I think that's fair. I have these answers written down here, so I can't be accused of lying. Do you know what I expect my reaction to be? Go on. Not being able to tell the difference.

That'd be interesting. That'd be interesting. I think that's probably the most likely. Okay. They're all just as good as each other, which would still be quite upsetting That'd be interesting. I think that's probably the most likely. Okay. That they're all just as good as each other. Yeah. Which would still be quite upsetting. Yeah.

For the sacred cow. But that's what we're here to do. We're here to slaughter the sacred cows. We're going to deflower it with the vet's gloves. We're going to get the speculum. I really want to get into this sacred cow. Yeah. You want to climb inside the sacred cow and get all up in its guts.

All up there Yeah right good stuff Having a scrummage I don't know why I keep saying that Because you're a fucking No brain idiot No you know what Here's an insult for you

You're my best friend Oh hi Paul Hi Now Right so You can pick any cup you want To start with Can I just make one more comment

Yes That would be surprising enough If they all tasted the same But Hey No that's surprising enough. Oh, shut up. I don't like it. What would be really upsetting

to everyone is if I preferred number three. You know, the third method. Now, I've put these cups out randomly. I know what's in the contents of each. Eli does not. So whatever he picks first is up to him. I'm not going to lead him on any of these as you said before they look

all the same in terms of texture and color and very similar viscosity almost I can't really tell any difference but you did measure the exact same amount of milk

everything is exactly the same and you saw me we went through this together didn't we we actually said I should mention this now we said to put eight fluid ounces of hot

water which is what we used and two fluid ounces of milk in each cup. Which seemed decent. I mean, these look like perfect cups of tea to me. The levels are all slightly different, but that's because the mugs are different in shape. Well-made tea. Can I just say, and I'm being honest.

I've taken this seriously. Yes, it was good. So you're going to use a spoon, aren't you, for a measured slurp of each cup? I'll have a slurp. All right. So we're going to go for the China first. I'm going to write down this in order. So China.

And I'm using a teaspoon here. A tablespoon. So I'm going to go for the china first. I'm going to write down this in order. So china. And I'm using a teaspoon here. A tablespoon. Sorry, a tablespoon. He's using a tablespoon. He's going to have a sip of the glass cup. I'm going to slurp it like they do, posh people do, when they taste stuff to aerate it. Yes.

Oh, he's gone right through the soup strainer with that tea. Now, there's no sugar in this as well. There's no sugar. This is just the tea, the hot water and milk. Yeah? Is it watery and hot, or is it nice and kind of textured? It's got a nice kind of mixture of the milk and the water and the tannin. I'd say it's a bit on the watery side.

Okay. The tea flavour's nice and strong, and it's got that sort of, you know, that sort of fresh... Yes. That fresh note that you don't always get. I think that's because of the quality of the teabag. He's having a second sup now. Do you know that fresh, what I'm talking about? I know exactly what you're talking about.

That kind of popping, fresh note that you don't always get. The herbal notes come to the front. Which you look for, but you don't always get. You don't always get, no. That's definitely there on this one. Sometimes there's too much tannin. There's too much of that bronze taste, if that makes sense. Yes, the sort of coiny taste.

Okay. So, no, you'd have to make a decision now. I'd say that maybe is on the watery side. I'm not getting a lot of feel from the milk. I'd like a creamier finish. I'm looking for a creamier finish. I will give you a creamy finish right after this recording tonight, and it'll be more than two fluid ounces.

I can fucking tell you that. 10 cc. I'm not in love. Big boys don't come. Big boys don't cry. Milky tears. That'll be coming up again. Yeah, it will actually. Full shadows. Full skin shadowing. I'm not in love big boys don't come big boys don't cry milky tears that'll be coming up again yeah it will actually

foreshadowing foreskin shadowing that's what I'm going to threaten to come in your face when I threaten to come in your face that's foreskin shadowing alright

get back on track we're trying to do a scientific experiment cup number two what are you going to go with I think I'm going to go with stripy so blue and white stripe

I'm going to write that down in my pad just have a little palette cleanser oh nice blue and white mug is I'm going to write that down in my pad. I actually just have a little palette cleanser. Oh, nice. Blue and white mug is our number two. A little sip of water there, Paul. Is his second choice.

And he's cleared the palette now with a nice little bit of water. A little sip of water. Filtered water. Palette cleanser. Cored and filtered today. I'm having a little palette cleanser. Yes. Now I'm going to go for blue and white stripes.

Stripeys. Strip, stripe, stripey. Go in. Strip, strip, stripey. Bless my 90. It's blue, stripe, stripey. This isn't bingo. Kind of. Right.

Slurp number two. What are your immediate feelings on this? It's duller. It doesn't have that note we were talking about. Really? So in what respect duller then? Are you talking about the tannin comes more to the front or is it too watery?

It's just the flavour of the tea isn't as strong, isn't popping the way it was in that one. Oh, I see. Okay, okay. That note that we talked about, almost herbal, that high note. That's lost. That's not as prevalent there. And it's a bit more milky and watery. It's more milky. It's less watery. Okay.

That's what I was going to say. The flavour of the tea is muted compared to that one. Yeah, it looks the same, doesn't it? It's funny to the eye. It wouldn't look any weaker. No, no. The flavour of the tea is muted, especially that, like I say, that delicious sort of fresh note that you look for

isn't as prevalent or maybe isn't even in that. Well, have your second sip because you've done two for the first one, so have another one. It is creamier, the finish. There's more of a mouthfeel coming through from the milk. It tastes more milky. Yeah, definitely more. It's more of a sort of creamy taste. Fair enough. More of a milful coming through from the milk. It tastes more milky. Yeah, definitely more.

It's more of a sort of creamy taste. Fair enough. More of a milky taste. The tea hasn't... The milk notes. So I would say that's probably... Wait till you've done the third and final and then commit, all right?

Because you don't know where you're going to go. I think... Because if you lock into a thought right now, it might ruin your next one. Right, and I haven't been doing well on these, have I? You've been doing appallingly. Especially the iron brew.

People look up to you. It was so shameful, the iron brew. Children look up to you. Oh, Daddy Eli, I look to you for all my culinary. Am I their daddy now?

All right, Uncle Eli. Thank you. Oh, Uncle Eli, what were you doing with my mummy on Christmas? I was fucking her. Giving her a creamy finish. Maureen Lippman.

Maureen Lippman. Giving her a creamy finish. Can you, pleaseippman. Maureen Lippman. Give it a creamy finish. Can you, please? No, please. Go on. Third cup, which is the glass cup now. Glass is last. I haven't had my palate cleanser.

Oh, have your palate cleanser. It's not fair. Not fair to the tea, Paul. No, it's not fair to the tea. But one to the glass and the glass is last. It's not bingo, you weirdo. Imagine this was a bingo game. Tea tasting. I'm trying to make it like a game show. Imagine this was a bingo game,

tea tasting. Tea total. That's what I'd call it. The quiz show, I'd call it tea total. It was a quiz show now. Yeah, call it tea total. And you'd have funny little rhymes

for each. Glass is last, glass is glass. Go to work and go to slurp. It's time for tea, what tea is it? It's time for tea.

Tea time. Get out your cannon, you're drinking some tannin. It's time for the audience. Hold your it? It's time for tea. Tea time. Get out your cannon. You're drinking some tannin. It's time for the audience. Hold your bits. It's PG Tips. Okay, Paul, stop. Please.

Please stop. Okay. Serious. You're making me wetly, drinking me tettly. I'm trying to get this spoon to my mouth. That's what she said. Slurpy time. And this is the glass one.

Interesting. Initial flavour notes On that Mr Silverman Very similar to the Stripe one Oh really Even more muted The tea flavour Fascinating

More cardboardy Okay And it's got that creaminess That the first one I tasted lacked But Mmm Maybe across the board

We put too much milk in In the ratio But either way. I think this is perfect. This is how I like my tea. Okay. All right. Now, I'll tell you, that's the worst.

The glass one? The glass is the worst. Okay. It's got the least tea flavour. Which one's your favourite then? I presume the first one, the China one. The first one is my favourite. Can I put a tick on that to say it's your favourite?

Yeah. All right. I'm just going to lock that in with a little star on my graph. The first one is my favourite. I like the striped one as well, but this is just too muted. The tea's too muted, the flavour. Really? Okay. that in with a little star on me on me graph the first one is my flavor favorite i like stripe one as well but this is just too the muted the t's too muted the flavor really okay cardboardy okay most cardboardy and the milk's not really coming through in terms of like creaminess blue stripe is the best okay yeah yeah do you see what i mean in terms of sort of the and that's the one you've

ranked as your favorite if you like if you like that. If you like, Paul, the amplitude. No, I understand amplitude is the way that they go together and are supporting each other. That's definitely the best on that one as well. Okay. Problem with the wine, although it has the nicest, most delicious fresh tea flavour, it has a watery finish, as we discussed.

So the amplitude's not as good on that. But here's the question. Which one do you think is made in the particular ways? Because we know what your favourite is now. We know that you like the China Blue the best. Great. No, no. Yeah, the China.

The best, yeah. Yeah, that's the one I put a star next to. So I would think... Yes. Paul. So what would you think is the China Blue process? I think that is... Sounds like a great thriller.

I think that's the classic. So you think that is... Hot water onto the bag. Leave. So, tea bag. Squeeze a bag. Put the, you know, the traditional... Hot water. And tea bag. Squeeze a bag, put the traditional, the one that everyone... Hot water and then milk.

The Stephen Fry approved British standard method. You're saying the China Blue, your favourite one, is tea, then hot water and then milk added last. That's what I think, yeah. Okay, now for the blue and white stripe mug. What do you think the process is of that? Now, I think I believe that when you put the teabag and the milk in at the same time

and then hot water on top, you get a more creamy finish. You get a more milky sort of... Okay. The milk note is somehow stronger because it somehow inhibits the sort of brew

of the bag to some extent. Yeah? Okay. So I think that's that one. So you think that one is teabag, milk, and then hot water? Yes.

Which I like and which I think, you I think people are very snotty about. But I think that's a perfectly good cup of tea. In fact, it has a nicer sort of mouthfeel than my favourite. It's just that my favourite has that proper tea flavour coming through. Like I said, that high note. Okay, and then that means the glass is the milk, then hot water. Yeah, and I think it does suffer. I think that is a bad one. Hot water. Because, and I think it does suffer. I think that is a bad one.

Hot water. Because also you're... And then tea. I think the problem is you're losing temperature from the water. Of course. And so it's not brewing properly. It's not extracting as much. Well, no, in this case, I poured it all into the measurement jug at the same time.

And then I passed them all out one after another. Yes, I know, but you still... It's cooling because you've got the milk in... But you don't know what order I put it in. Anyway, the point remains that I know what you're getting at. Yeah, the milk offsets the heat of the tea because it goes in. Because you're pouring, you're diluting it into cold milk, aren't you? So let me just get this straight.

Your favourite one is the China Blue, and you say that is tea, hot water, then milk. Yes. Number two, you say, is tea, then milk in the cup, add the hot water. And then the glass one is milk, hot water, and then tea. Yep. Can I lock these in? Yeah, that's definitely the dullest. Then it's time to reveal.

Now, I didn't know what Eli was going to pick. I didn't lead him in any way to take any decisions. These are all his decisions and I couldn't have foreseen his opinions on these teas. So with that in mind, here are the answers. I'm so out on it. This is fascinating. So, your favourite.

Do you want me to start with your favourite? Yeah. Let's start with your favourite. Your favourite was the China Blue. China Blue. And you said that was tea, hot water and milk.

I thought that was the sort of accepted best practice way. This one is milk, then tea, and then the hot water last. So this is the one where you put the milk in, then the tea bag on top

of the milk, and then the water. That was my favourite. That was your favourite. Wow. Which was the old style, right? Yeah. Okay.

Which one do you want the answer to next then? We might as well do them in order. So stripe. So I get them all wrong. No, no, no. Which one do you want to do? Striped. Stripey, which was the second one I tasted, which I thought was...

Blue and white stripes. Which I thought was... You said that was tea, then milk, then hot water, which was actually what the first cup was. Okay. So that was milk, then hot water, and was actually what the first cup was. Okay, so that was milk, then hot water, and then tea. No! Genuinely. I'm not making this up. It's all written here, which means the glass one

is the tea bag, then the hot water, and then the milk added glass. Are you fucking joking? Mate, it's right there. I wrote it down. Oh my god. The ultimate has happened. We have destroyed, we have besmirched the sacred cow. We've taken the sacred cow and put it in a trebuchet

and splashed it against the wall of expected... Mate, we've put that sacred cow in a headlock. The stocks. The stocks. And then we've formed

a line-up of heathens and we've got each heathen to fuck that sacred cow. I am genuinely gobsmacked by that, Paul. But that is, they are the results. That's the worst one.

I know. I wasn't lying. That was the worst one. I know. I wasn't lying. That was the worst one. And look, we can't do it super scientifically, but to the best of my ability, I did that to our agreed letter. Come get me,

Stephen Fry and Dara O'Brien. Stephen Fry. You're wrong. What? People are just wrong. You're wrong, Dara O'Brien. Listen, please, if you support Cheap Show

through patronage, thank you so much. And just because we've discovered this about tea doesn't mean we're not the same people no please don't look at us differently

on the street please we still cheap show yeah we're not here to say anything about the facts other than the turnout that we described on the day

this is just I can't I can't lie about what I experienced this is what you experienced they were your feelings I am so fucking drink them again

with knowing that now have a proper slurp out of interest so he's having a glass one, normal cup of tea. He's drinking the China one, which is his favourite, which is the milk tea and then the hot water. It just tastes... Weird.

So strange. The amplitude is better. Yeah, weird. It's sort of the way the flavours sit in proportion to each other is more pleasing to me. There you go. And it has that note, like I say, that sort of tea note that you really look at. It's so weird. There you you go and this was like the fucking devil's one the blue

this is going to be a contentious issue now once this gets out there's going to be news articles there's going to be hot debates on forums there's going to be twitter polls we're going to get cancelled cancelled cheap show that is literally the worst it literally is though and seriously i put the tea in the pags in the in the quarters. You did it very scientifically. Stared it the exact same number of times, squeezed it, put it out. I did everything I could to keep the consistency of the stare and the pour across them. I haven't fudged the results, because why would I? I wouldn't know what your reaction would be.

I mean, to be honest, I am more of a coffee drinker, as you know, Paul. We both are, aren't we? Yeah, come the fucking excuses. What? Just admit it's thrown you for a loop. It totally has. I thought... Stephen Fry, if you're listening to this,

come to the tea parlour. Come to the tea parlour and we'll do it. Come to our tea parlour. Let us make you tea our way. Please be on our podcast because it'll probably give us a lift. He would not want to be on that. He would not want to be here for this.

He doesn't need to be here for this. Paul, this has been a fucking... a day in history for us. If you've been affected by the things you've heard today on today's podcast, there will been a fucking day in history for us. Well, if you've been affected by the things you've heard today on today's podcast, there will be a helpline on our website.

Please, don't do anything rash. Please get help if you need to. Don't let this anger you. Don't let this anger you. This is not what we wanted today.

This is just a result. This is just a result. Do you know what, Paul? We just are delivering the results. I thought I might prefer the one I did like the best.

Yeah. But what really surprised me the one I did like the best. Yeah. But what really surprised me is my second favourite was the ultimate nightmare. Yeah, I know, right? And that my least favourite was the legit, the most legit accepted way. And now Eli... I'll be making my tea differently from now on. Eli, from now on... The milk and the bag going at the same time.

I don't fucking care. I've done a taste test. It's anarchy. It's anarchy. We've broken down the rules. We've destroyed this country. Oh, what's he doing? Oh, do you want a cup of tea? Yes. Oh, I'll make you taste test. It's anarchy. It's anarchy. We've broken down the rules. We've destroyed this country. Oh, what's he doing? Oh, do you want a cup of tea? Yes. Oh, I'll make you one.

What are you doing? I'm putting the milk in and I'm putting the bag in. You fucking monster. It's going to be like a tea Brexit, isn't it? Tea is dead. Long live the tea. Long live the tea. It's Silverman's Platters, the platters that matter.

Sponsored by Clyde McFatter. You're trying to do Justin Hawkins, aren't you? You're not quite as musically adept. Sorry, Paul. Silverman's platters. Does it really matter? The Silverman's platters. He'll cover you in his splatter. What about...

Hello. Go on. It's Silverman's Platters, the platters that matters. The patron saint is Clyde McFatter. Drop the bass. It's the part of the show that everybody knows to go to joe and toe to toe with the records that we played today i say flip flop flap it i'm coming around here flip flop camera come around chodney oh you fucking ruin everything it is time for silverman's platters i thought i'd give

you a nice musical intro it's a work in progress it's a work in progress. It's a work in progress. Good game. So, what have we got today on Silverman's Platters? And I think we've kind of sported the first one a little bit already with our freestyle rap. Okay, this is a record I picked up in Ride on the Isle of Wight, Paul. Right. Ride. Right. Right.

The Isle of Wight. Right. The Isle of Wight. Ride. Ride in the Isle of Wight. Riding in the Isle of White. That's right. Ow.

Because it's midnight. Rind on time. Rind on time. That's what you said last time. Rind on time. Did I? Yeah. When?

Episodes ago. How do you know? Because I remember some things, but not all. I said rind on time. Yeah. As in what? Your crispy foreskin tip. Yeah. Get a nice rind on time. Yeah. As in what? It does sound like something I'd say. Yeah.

Get a nice rind on. Anyway, what's the first one? My charity shop around the corner from me has literally got ten men stacked in the window. How do they get all those blokes to stand there for so long? And again, my soul withers. Bill withers. It's going to be the same joke. It's going to be a lovely day everyone Tell you what, the mood's changed in the room

Because we went out for a break And then we come back and it's all dark It's all dark now It's got sultry hasn't it We're going to turn up the heat Actually this is quite apropos for the song we're going to talk about now I guess it's a sexy song This is a song by Jocko

Not Jacko Jocko And it's a sexy song. This is... Kind of. A song by Jocko. Not Jacko. Jocko. Jocko. And it's called Rhythm Talk. And it sounds like... No, do you know what? We're not going to do that because I want to play a particular clip. Yes.

And we have to introduce that rather than just drop it in dry. Now, this is very early hip hop. This is from 1979. And for people in their brains who want to get an idea of what we're talking about here we're thinking of like you know um rappers delight rappers delight which came out in the same year i believe 79 79 hip hop was just about to start happening really to evolve yes but people who've uh have researched hip hop say that was it was almost around the culture was there in new york like the block

parties yeah and the graffiti already in the early 70s that started it crossed over around this time but the version that people were doing on the streets was that the same thing the same type of music that was getting released or was it a kind of it wasn't being released rap wasn't being released on record no but when they yeah but what I'm saying is when they did was it still reflective of that type of music or had it evolved already from that point when we listen to

Rapper's Delight is that the same kind of rap you would have heard three years earlier in New York on the streets or would it have been different yes because I get the impression

that that version of the song is more kind of to some extent a kind of more broadly appealing track that could get played on the radio stations the thing is you had disco music

that was around at the time. Yeah. By the 80s, they started using samples. So I think early hip hop was you just took instrumental versions of disco stuff. Yeah. And you sort of chatted over the top. For example, Rapper's Delight is Chic's Good Times.

Yeah. Famously. Sound of Philadelphia, which is a big label out of Philadelphia. Yeah. Interestingly, not New York. Well, that's because they own all the disco stuff, though. Good Times yeah famously Sound of Philadelphia which is a big label out of Philadelphia yeah interestingly not New York well that's because

they own all the disco stuff though Philly yes Philly was the disco city yeah the Philly sound is a particular

type of disco yeah and it's the Gamble and Huff I did sometimes and I shat my pants are the sort of people behind the label

songwriters behind the label okay and they were huge can I just say from now on whenever I shit my pants I'm going to say that was label songwriters behind the label okay and they were huge can i just say from now on whenever i shit my pants i'm gonna say that was a bit of a gamble and huff don't man that's disrespectful but anyway because sometimes you know you go is it gamble and huff is it wind or is it solid huff is quite an amusing second name isn't it yeah no they were huge in the in the black music scene in America at the time and

owned the Sound of Philadelphia okay biggest label out of Philadelphia and that's why Jocko is rapping over this which is what did you say

the track was he's rapping over which is Ain't No Stopping Us Now Ain't No Stopping Us McFadden and Gates Whiteside

Gates and McFadden she's the actress from TNG anyway which is probably the best known of the Philly disco hits.

It was huge. No, not good times. Ain't no stopping us now. Ain't no stopping us now. We're on the move. So, right. Which has that great bass line. So the thing about this song is Jocko's whole statement of intent is to tell you how sexy

he is. How good he is. No, on the second side, he does go into we'll get into that right but let's just play the bit we want to play where to prove how much of a man he is he describes a scene in the in the hospital when he was born and what happened yeah and what happened is everyone looked at a baby's cock and went oh he's a man isn't he and this let's just listen to this clip now. Here we agreed this can be true. Mama was shocked. Papa was proud.

Screamed so loud, he drove the crowd. My baby's a man. Can you understand? My baby's a man. Can you understand? The years went by, and they sure did fine. I was grown before I knew it. I lined the girls up on the wall, tried to get to them all.

But one of them said I blew it. She said, you're going to take time without bending the line. So go back here and do it Taco, taco, you're the king Best in the world with the do my thing Break it down, shake it down, take it down Look around, do it good And every time

Now do it, do it Find a little piece and do it Have you met the... So that was apparently appropriate. Fucking hell, his dad's like, that's a man. If I was, if I was real and like the

baby had a huge dick the doctor would take be taking them into a room and go are you gonna have problems we've got problems with this baby i'm sorry i know it's funny and it might be interesting if you're gonna rap about it but ultimately this it's a medical problem this this human is cursed for the rest of its life it's a medical problem that this baby has that they need to deal with there's going to be a lot of difficulties of the car it's going to be blood circulation issues you may never get a full erection you know i mean look we probably have to operate in reality but anyway so what i like about this song is that for the first side it's literally just it's swagger isn't it it's talking about how clean he is he

wears gucci underwear and which is these are themes that are big in rap aren't they always there's always the braggadocio aspect. But the Rapper's Delight was more about the culture of rap. Hotel, Holiday Inn. There's like, he's hanging out. There's a sense of community, isn't it? Yeah. And also, to be frank, Rapper's Delight is better.

Like, it's a better rapper. He's a better rapper. But we were complaining that this song is nothing. It's just, you know, swagger. It's all bravado. And he uses a lot of nonsense words. But then, well, yeah, this is the first time

I've ever heard this far back on record the word, what was it, poontang. He says poontang all over the place.

And this is what, 1970? 79. I didn't know poontang went back that far. I reckon poontang goes back to, like, centuries.

Or like Vietnam, maybe, or something as well. Poontang is well old. Oh, I guess I haven't thought about it. It just doesn't seem... You don't expect it to pop up in a Rapper's Delight-esque song, do you?

A lot of those words, slang words, that people think of American 20th century actually go back to the 17th century in Britain. Oh. And it could be something like that. We won't do the research on Poontang right now. I'd like to do some. Well, you won't.

So... Shut up. Come on. What I like, though, is the second half begins with almost social commentary it feels like the whole because the whole a and b is basically one long song split up in half right yes because it goes on it was like seven minutes in all right which is funny as well because it's just before sort of the 12 inch really comes to dominance which you would have put it all on one part too so part of my brain is like he sat down he goes i'm going to write a song about issues and and you know cost of living because that's what that's the cost of

living he talks about how it's harder to make money and you got to work two or three jobs and this that and the other which is you know strangely prescient but it feels like his producers went yeah yeah yeah but can you put some shit about you being a big hung daddy kind of guy only if you promise it's the a-side yeah we'll fit it onto the A side. And then he puts the social realism stuff and the social consciousness stuff. He puts a minute in. He doesn't know

it's now a B side, that part. And then the producer, can you just get back to talking about your dick? And he goes, oh, all right. And then it's like,

I'm so well hung. He literally goes from that cultural kind of thing to how nice he is again. And then weirdly, he just ends the song by saying goodbye. I'm out.

Not a lot of people say goodbye at the end of their songs you know it's that apparently he was um a um radio disc jockey businessman and a hip-hop music pioneers what it says on wikipedia pioneer just means like he's one of the first well that is very early yeah record it's just not very good no but pioneer doesn't necessarily always mean good does it but we just wanted to play because Questlove described him as unofficially the first MC adapting a jazz style of scat

singing in the late disco era. There is some scat on that. There's even that in that. It's like, hop, you don't

stop, the boo to the bang, bang, boogie. It's related, scat singing to rap, isn't it? Because you want

the thing to fit the rhythm. And sometimes you just don't have the words to do it. You just do it. You elongate

words and you truncate words and you break a word off. But quite disturbing, the thing about the the rhythm and sometimes you just don't have the words to do it you just do it you elongate words and you truncate words and you break a word off but quite disturbing the thing about the big dick baby yeah I don't know I would have left that out

maybe leave that bit out can you not maybe I don't know say maybe maybe make it a P.E. when you attend something I mean it's like a joke isn't it

and also the other but isn't the joke oh we thought it was his penis but it was an umbilical cord isn't it meant to be something like shit like that I don't know

it's like saying you know he's just taking the concept of being like a well hung a lover man to it's sort of logical conclusion

which is like when he was born he had a huge cock which is like body horror it is it's like body horror just take a minute

to think of the practical way he was born if that's true and that's terrifying if he came out first well they always do caesareans in America okay

well then even so they're like they're pulling out what inches and inches of bait you know what it's like a clown with the hankies

it's just really bad it's just really bad interesting in terms of early hip hop and it's like a novelty it's almost verging on novelty almost novelty

which is funny because hip hop did sort of come out of novelty in a way but then it's like a novelty. It's almost verging on novelty, isn't it? It almost kind of feels parody. Because hip-hop did sort of come out of novelty in a way. But then it's very serious music, obviously. It does feel almost parody to some extent. Maybe it is. Maybe we've misconstrued it and maybe it's a parody. He must have done it on the radio when he was a disc jockey. So anyway, there you go.

To end this segment, platter or splatter? I kind of have to say splatter. Yeah. It's a splatter for most of them. Let's take a quick break and come back to our second track. We're back. We're back. I shouldn't have laughed and did that dumb laugh.

Why? Who did you nick that off? I didn't. It just felt, oh, I'm going to do a wacky DJ voice. Well, let's start again then. I'm going to start again. Don't do that. It's a cheap show. See, it again then. I'm going to start again. Don't do that. It's a cheap show.

See, it's funny now I do it a second time. It's not funny. You laughed. I laughed nervously. I'm laughing nervously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're laughing nervously because you know in about half an hour's time

you're getting a creamy finish. Oh, no. See, I know I'm always calling this episode tea because part of our kind of beans, eggs, unofficial trilogy. One word, one word food title series. But creamy finish is a good plan B. Right, next track, Mr. Silverman. It's Mr. Jaws by Dickie Goodman on Cash Records.

And it sounds like this. Like this. We are here on the beach where a giant shark has just eaten a girl swimmer. Well, Mr. Jaws, how was it? I know, man! And what did she say when you grabbed her? Please, mister, please. I know sharks are stupid, but what did you think when you took that first bite?

How sweet it is. Mr. Jaws, before you swim out to sea, have you anything else to say? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? With me now is the local sheriff. Sheriff Brody, the shark will be back for lunch. What do you intend to do? Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight. Just arriving is oceanographer Matt Hooper. Sir, if someone is attacked by a shark, what should they do? We're going aboard the fishing boat of Captain Quint. Captain, will you be able to catch this giant shark? Thank you, Captain. Captain? Captain? Captain?

Now, at this point, you've probably heard these kind of songs plentiful in your time in life. This is another example, Paul. Don't talk over me. Don't you fucking dare talk over me. I'm sorry, I came in a bit soon there. Just stay what you said. Do you want your creamy finish tonight?

I don't ever want a creamy finish with you. That means you're getting one. If you want one, then I'm not going to give you one. What are you going to do? Imprison me and come on my face? Is that what you're going to do? Lock the doors. Lock the doors. He's in. No. No no i'm sorry i came in too fast on that i forgot my point i know you're saying you've you may have heard records like this before yes but this guy is the as far as we can

understand the progenitor of this type of music and this type of music quote unquote is breaking records they're called and would you like to explain what a breaking record is the format is you have a sort of fake it's almost always a sort of reporter so it's a fake news report it does seem to be the trope i can't think of any record where it's not so you have a fake news reporter reporting on something and he interviews one or more other characters and when the character gives their answer i'm trying to be technical about this when the character gives their answer a clip from a song popular song will break in that's why it's called a break-in yeah breaks in and it's humorous so for example and it replies to the statement it replies yeah yeah which was started way back in the 50s is that

that's what's crazy about this this with song this this track, is unusual because, A, it was a hit, in that it got to number one on the Billboard charts in the year it was released, which had never been done before. Breaking had never got in that far. Dickie had been doing this for a good 15 years beforehand, before it even got to the charts. And it's sort of like a sub-genre of novelty record, very specific sub-genre of novelty record. Very specific sub-genre of novelty record.

I mean, you just don't get stuff like this now. Break-ins, no. It's on YouTube, if it's anywhere. But there's hundreds of them. We were looking at it. There's a guy called Vic Venus. He started with going to the moon, didn't he? There was all sorts of people going to aliens.

So this is the potted version. So sometime in the 50s, he was a DJ. He came up with this thing, which was basically this, but it was all about a flying sauc all about a flying saucer ufos blah blah and it got some play on his radio station that he played it out on and then he just started churning these out over the course of the next few years and then he was basing most of these on either public figures or pop culture icons right and so obviously i can see why this is a hit because jaws had just come out jaws was the biggest thing of all time ever and so obviously this was primed to get some airplay. Yes, absolutely. But there's also and the 70s, we looked at discogs at where this genre sold the most.

And the 70s was the peak, wasn't it? The 70s was, yeah. But there's a lot of breaking records that talk about Nixon, the house yeah and social issues around the 70s like strikes or you know um cost of living stuff there's a lot of lot of those kind of commentary just a few here brian mcnorton and the all news orchestra with right from the shark's mouth which is we heard this and it's uncommonly close to the mr jaws track maybe it's a cash in on it's like trying it's the same year it's the same year and it uses a cash-in on, it's like, trying to, It's the same year. It's the same year and it uses a lot of

the same record clips to reply, like Jive talking by the, Question. Do you think this is one of those situations where it's like, a song isn't played on all the radio stations

across America at the same time? In the same region. So this was popular in some states and so they made a version for the other state radios and maybe that's where it could, Could well be. It could well be.

It's obviously just a cash-in trying to get, Because it didn't get into the charts at all this one but i mean i don't like any of these records very much but that's worse than this isn't it that is and there's even loads of ones just about jaws we're looking at this article now and like there's loads of breaking and themed songs about jaws the only one it doesn't list is the ted rogers look out for mr sharp that's not a breaking record no that's an episode from a whole other time. We'd like a recording of that if anyone's got that

because it disappeared off the internet. It's off YouTube, yeah. So there's loads of artists. Yeah, you're right. And also, moving swiftly on, kind of, it's like the beginning of sampling, isn't it? It's almost where what that rap track was doing, where it was taking the backing track

of an already popular disco hit. This was sampling dialogue. It's interesting that we've selected these two because there is that connection but they converge at some point in the in what the 80s late 70s early 80s where sample becomes musical motifs yes or popular riffs or again samples of sounds and things it's like they combine these two types of record becomes house music goes over samples yeah do you you see what I mean? And then that goes into house music and then that becomes all that. All later dance stuff, yeah.

But interesting. That is interesting. And I've got a Motown one and there was a British guy who was also, often these were made by radio DJs, weren't they?

Yes. Because they had the access to all the records, I guess, and they knew what was popular and they knew what records to use. And they all fancy themselves as fucking comedians as well, don't they? Yeah, and it's also like it seemed like to be piss easy to farm

these out yeah it's just like let's have a conversation about what's popular let's drop it in right now yeah we'll do one for you now i'm gonna be the reporter and eli will be all the songs all right here we go uh let's think of what's the topic what pop culture thing can we talk about uh lord of the rings that's popular marvel movies what can we do now do um here i am at the avengers uh thing and i'm speaking to thor okay okay how about that yeah all right okay here we go hi i'm paul gannon reporting for cheap show radio and i'm here at the avengers headquarters uh where some of the avengers are here now. We're going to do a little interview with them now. Excuse me, Thor, what's it like in Asgard? Disco Inferno.

Oh, that's interesting. And what is your special power? Thunder, lightning. The way you love me is frightening. I'm going to knock. Onward. We need to cut out the board. I just had to finish it in my head. I had to finish itward We need to cut out I just had to finish it

In my head I had to finish it We just have the Thunder and Lightning bit Next one Oh I say thank you Mr Thor Oh who's this Oh it's Iron Man Iron Man

Where have you been to today Ha ha Way to hell Oh Must be hot there Do you have any advice For any of your fans Bend me

Shape me Any way you like me Oh good Okay oh wait there hot there. Do you have any advice for any of your fans? Bend me, shape me, any way you like me. Oh, good. Okay. Oh, wait there. There's Black Widow. Black Widow. Oh, you look like you're tired. What have you been up to? It's been a hard day's night. Wait, one more. This is fucking fun as fuck

this. Hang on. Oh, Hulk. Oh, I say, well, we haven't got much time, but we have one more interview we can squeeze in oh mr hulk mr mr the incredible hulk oh you're angry all the time why are you angry i gotta answer my pants and i need to dance oh well that's all we've got time for today and uh we'll see you next time on cheap show radio that was the worst but it's just fucking as good as any of that No they I mean come on

It was as good as any of that Now there was a British guy who did it called Horty McBrewston No Chris something Chris Sticky Bats

And he did Rent-A-Santa He was all Santa themed ones Yeah But I don't want to talk about that I'll tell you why

We want to talk about the B-sides to these fucking things That's it That to me is where things get proper juicy Because the A-sides are what fucking things. That's it. That to me is where things get proper juicy. Because the A-sides are what they are. They're all facsimiles of the same thing.

Cut-ins, break-ins. They're amusing for one minute, then you move on. The B-sides, though, are weird concoctions. The B-sides just were complete filler, I think. Whereas they thought, we've got this. This might sell because it's got the... Yeah. Let's just put something on the B-side.

Often, on the B-side is an instrumental piece. Yeah. M got the, yeah, let's just put something on the B side. Often on the B side is an instrumental piece. Yeah. Muzak almost. It's almost Muzak, but I've got that one which is streaking. Well,

the one on the second side of Mr. Jaws is good, isn't it? Yeah. I thought I'd play a bit of that. Yeah, play that now. It's called,

um, Irv's Theme. Thank you. And that's a lovely piece. It's got a real sort of taxi, music from taxi, or music from Hill Street Blues theme by Mike Price sort of vibe. I like it. Really lovely sort of soulful kind of piano. You know what I mean? The genres are all over the place.

We found one called Everyone's On Strike, which is the B-side to Vic Venus, and it's a proper kind of hippie rock. It's a sort of psych rock anti-strike song. Weird. Fucking great, though. And the other one I want to mention is that streaking one. Yes.

Because, again, there was a song that was popular called The Streak, wasn't there? Yeah, but this is called Soul Streak, the B-side. And it's this funky piano thing. You know that one. It's really lovely again. It's nice. So there's a whole sort of sub-genre of the sub-genre,

which is breaking record instrumental B-sides. Yeah, lost music. Which I'm into because I like them. It's funny. It's so incidental. It's so sort of... It's almost like library music. Yeah. Because I know some of it is out of copyright and some know it's so sort of it's almost like library music yeah

because like i know some of it is out of copyright and some of it is stolen as we found out we found there was that one which is that one what i can't remember that political one about the confederates were they called or something oh there's the was the funky butt and it had a tune called funky button and it was like uncredited but it was actually done by simon wilkes or something yeah the breaking record is called funky but convention 72 by the the delegates yeah and it was um one of those political ones parodying uh kissinger nixon all that kind of agni spiro agni but the the flip side is clunky but another really nice bluesy funky instrumental yeah but on the discogs page it says it was stolen i'll put some some video links on our webpage for this episode

so they can listen to those tracks in full. Because I think it'd be better than stopping them all in here. We can just give links on the webpage. I like it when they don't do the comedy thing and they just put some kind of nice incidental music on the flip, basically. So I'm going to say Splatter or Platter. I'm going to go with Platter for that one. Well, it's the flip that pushes it to Platter.

It's the whole package. It makes each one like an Easter egg. It's like you kind of know what you're getting on the A, but what's on the B? And how weird is it going to be on the A as well? Absolutely. So they're charming. They're a joy.

They're almost worth picking up if you see them, just for the Bs. Yes. And they're not expensive at all. No. Because people aren't into them. They're very ephemeral. Yeah.

And they are very much of the ephemeral music. Yes. Because, you know the set something that they've slapped on the b-side that they ever got cheap or got someone just to some session guys to do it's all that really and but sometimes there's some magic there you know no one spotify list is gonna have your favorite convention 72 by the delegates on it you know what i mean no one's gonna re-listen to that and getting to the oh remember 1972 no and breaking records like you say, have totally disappeared,

but we're like a decades-long fad in novelty records, aren't we? Built in the 50s and 60s, massively shot up in the 70s, peated out in the 80s, gone by the 90s. Yeah. You know, gone. Chris Hill, I think the guy is, the British guy. Context needed. Right, so, wonderful segment.

Did you say that was a platter as well? Absolutely. In that case, let's wrap this fucking show off. Okay. Episode 300 is up on YouTube if you haven't seen it yet. It's fucking great. I'm really proud of episode 300. The podcast was fun, but the live show is always nice to re-watch.

Anyway, just it's on YouTube if you want to watch it. Go give it a watch and tell everyone about it. What else? We have Patreon. Give what you can, but only if you can because, you know, time is tight

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I did another one. Did you? Yeah, a different brand of black truffle crisps. And? I don't see what the big deal is with that. Not a big deal. It's go soggy. The crisps go soggy. So what's so good about that? Load of shit. What else? Website is where you want to go for everything.

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At Paul Gannon Show and Eli is Eli Snorri it's spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and that's all we've got time for this week

we do hope you join us next week for more cheap fun and game okay Paul and it's been a wonderful episode this week Eli

I've enjoyed it very much we've been absolutely desecrating holy cows. Holy cows have been cut asunder and filled with our massive creamy finish. Like the end of Apocalypse Now, when they hack that cow.

Yeah, it's just like that. In that I want to have a heart attack and punch a mirror. Nice. Right, see you next week, everyone. Bye, everybody.