CheapShow - Ep 303: You Must Be Joking?

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

It’s been a while since Paul & Eli got their taste buds wrapped around some filthy American snacks and treats, so they are both as happy as Larry to dive into a selection of crisps, sweets and disgustingly yummy delights. However, this is CheapShow we are talking about, and it goes without saying that even a simple Cheap Eats section will go off on disgusting tangents: from euphemisms about dirty toilets to poultice policies and arguments about jingle performances. It will all make some kind of loose sense, we promise! There is a Gannon’s Golden Games that yields reasonably underwhelming results and throws Paul into full on pun mode, but despite all the laughs there is a danger lurking. Will they be able to see it coming? Definitely not! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-303-you-must-be-joking And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock

Please, I don't know why, my old friend, that's about it. Don't really help me. You're a chamberjack. Tony, if you don't raise the car, go now. It's got someone to say it. You'll help me to fix it. I don't know how to point it out. Alright, everybody, I'm calling this meeting right now.

As chairman of the Copy Character Club, Andre P. Brandoski, that is me. I'm here. Let's have the meeting. Oh, why have you called this meeting? I was happily eating cheese, so I was. You weren't eating the cheese there, thirsty Phil. You get your head out of the fucking cheese wagon. No wonder you're so thirsty. Why are we here?

Well, I was about to get to that. We are here because the Copy Character Club is rising in power. We all know we are the best versions of the characters and we are degraded by them calling us copy characters. We are in fact the true original characters.

Excuse me, I don't want to rock the boat. I've got some deals coming up with Teen Yeti that are going to be big and I don't want to rock the boat. Listen to me. I've got some deals coming up with her. It's a team yeti that are going to be big, and I don't want to rock the boat. I'm happy where I am. Adolescent Swasquatch, you have been a member of this club since the very beginning,

and I just want to assure you... Oh, yeah, I'm OG. I just want to assure you that your existing contracts with the other side, no matter what they may be, will be honoured. We are working clandestinely. Excuse me, sir, so I am. It's Tall Tale Tim, a lesser known character, so I am.

But I just wanted to say, we've been having fun in the copy character room. And I think that's enough for us. We shouldn't out-treat ourselves. Of course, of course you are right. We have fun. We have the cheese wagon. We have the little tiki bar built in over there. We have these sleeping quarters. We have the cheese wagon. We have that little tiki bar built in over there. We have these sleeping quarters.

We have the armory. We have this underground swimming pool. And everything is so good for us. I agree with you, Tall Tail Tim. So, Bill Donut here. Yes, Bill, what is it? I was getting to the point. Actually, no songs, okay? I've got one in my back pocket.

No, I do not. It's not time for this. Tomty, titty, tomty, titty, titty, tomty, tom. We're in the room. The what? The room. The naughty room. The naughty room. All I want to do is have a little bit of fun in the naughty room. What's the room? I like the room. I just don't want to ruin what we've got. Yes, yes, yes. Bill Donut, thank you.

I do not see the relevance of this song, you know, but to our mission. Now, let me get on to it. We know we are the true originals, and we know we deserve better than this, better than all of this, better than the cheap show. We are the greatest.

Yes, Mr. McNubbin, is it? What is your question? Thank you, Armadon McNubbin. That's right. And I'm just wondering, what's the plan? I need a modus operandi. You know what I mean? Get into it. I need to know what the copycat club... A plan would be good, actually.

What are we going to do here, Armadon McNubbin? What's your plan? There is no plan yet. All I know is the copycat club must rise, rise up and overtake, in some way overtake or get revenge on his cruel creators who have brought infamy and disregard to our kind. Hello, yes, hello. If you don't mind me saying,

just saying a few words, my name is Arthur Point. Hello. I just wanted to interrupt because I just got to say, you guys... Does anyone know who this guy is? How did he get in here?

Surely... I think I remember you are one-shot character. Is this not right? No, but that's right. This is what I'm saying. What are you doing in our club? You know what? We are the copy character club.

Only true copy characters are flat. It sits on the plaque by the door. I know. The gold plaque. You've made that abundantly fucking clear. Shut up. I've got...

I wanted to say something. As a guy outside of the realm of the major characters, I've seen that podcast from all fucking angles, mate. I just wanted to say that to you right now. Seen it from all angles.

And I keep thinking to myself, you guys, you're better than the originals. Oh, I would say you surpass them. You know, he's talking sense here, Andrei. You know what? I would even go further. You know what you guys need? You need your own podcast, if you ask me.

Hey, you know what? He ain't... How about you guys make your own bloody podcast? I reckon you would outsell, outdo, and outperform that cheap show. I'm telling you. Just make your own bloody podcast? I reckon you would out-sell, out-do and out-perform that cheap show. I'm telling you, just create your own thing like Thrift Show. Oh, maybe he's right. Maybe then I'll be able to achieve ejaculation. Why don't we get our own podcast, Brandovsky?

Hey, how about that? Well, I hate to say it, but I think he may be onto something here. I'm just saying, you know, I've seen a lot of this podcast. Paul and Eli, they're fucking useless. Is this right? They are the creators of my archenemy, Brandon. They toss you characters off and they throw you into a room. You're better than that. You're better than them. Well, it's quite a nice room.

I know, you're better than them. You've been enjoying the freaking act, I see. Oh, very much. But you deserve better. That's a lot of tiki power. I've been working on that myself. It's all right. I'm not a big fan. What about the wood panelling in the tiki-pah? Not my cup of tea, mate. I'm more of a minimalist man.

But my point is this. Pay attention. This is gold, this. Make your own podcast. Make your own podcast. And no one will be talking about Juicy Jeremy and no one's going to be talking about Richard Brandoff. You'll be on their lips.

You'll be their lips. Andre Brandowski. Well, I will have maybe a on their lips. You'll be their lips. Andre Brandowski! Well, I will have maybe a gambling sideline. So make your own podcast. Why don't you put it to your people? Oh, yes, I'd very much like my own podcast. I think we should do this. Ooh, arr.

I think that would be a right good idea, arr. Okay, okay, everybody, calm down. Now, we'll put this to a vote. All those in favour of us creating a new podcast, all those in favour, put up their hands now. One or two over here. It's everybody. It's a unanimous vote.

No, it's even the people who haven't spoken yet who are being suspiciously quiet. All of these other characters. Yes, thank you, everybody. They're just keeping their... They all showed their hands, though, even though they're not speaking at this moment. This is my opportunity dan mcnovan

i'm coming for your world i'm gonna be on top of the new york skyscraper so the copy club has spoken we go forward and make our own podcast i hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Have they all gone now? Seems to have. Yeah, they shut the door. I mean, it's just, they've just all, I just saw them all marching out, chanting, jeering. I don't know what they're up to. Seem to be about a hundred of them.

They've all just fucked off though now. There seem to be about 100 of them. They've all just fucked off, though, now. There seem to be about 100 of them, though, Paul. Yeah, I think so, give or take. About 80. Five. Call it 90. Anyway, they've all gone. They've all marched out.

Yeah, they've gone. Well, that's a relief, because it was just escalating. Well, at least we can get back into the house of mash and eggs and beans, or whatever it's called. We're back in here. And we can get back to regular programming. Regular programming. They've fucking left a right state, though.

Mate, there's all sorts of... I mean, the cheese is really what gets to me. There's an overwhelming stench of cheese now in this fucking pub. I think they've left the cheese wagon. They seem to have upset the cheese wagon. Is that cheese wagon? Which is exactly what I used to say when I went to the toilet. I was going to do the same gag.

Who's upset the cheese wagon? Well, give it five minutes. Who's upset the cheese wagon? Well, give it five minutes. Someone's upset the cheese wagon. Hey, hello. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where every week Eli and I go for the bargain bins,

the charity shops, and pound lands of Great Britain and bring back the treasure we find amongst the trash. Treasure trash amongst it. And, yeah. I've got nothing. What have we got coming up on this week's episode? Okay, on this week's episode, amongst it. And, yeah. I got nothing. What have we got coming up on this week's episode?

Okay, on this week's episode, Mr. Silverman, hosted by myself, Paul Gannon, the enfant terrible of podcasting. You're not the... Oh, you're the enfant terrible of podcasting. You're the maverick. I'm the enfant terrible of podcasting. I'm the maverick broadcaster.

You're the enfant terrible. Yeah, which the enfant terrible of podcasting. I'm the maverick broadcaster. You're the enfant terrible. Yeah. Which is what I call when I go to the toilet and I leave a fucking stinker. I'll leave it a few minutes. I've done an enfant terrible. Why do we keep coming up with good ways to describe it when you've done a really smelly shit? Oh, it makes me happy.

Upset the cheese, right? I think we've peaked. That's it. See you next week. How are we going to do the rest of this episode now? We have got this week some cheap eats from America. My partner came back from Chicago, brought back a load of stuff that we will be sampling.

We're going to be opening some Cheetos. Opening you some exotic Cheetos. And then we have a Ganon's Golden Gains, which has proved to be a little bit of fun too. And that's it in a nutshell.

That's this week's episode. Got anything to report? Anything exciting? Nothing happened to me. I saw, you know, I had the president drive past me a few weeks ago. Yeah, but you've already told that story. I'm trying to dine out on it. Sip of your Coke. I've brought you

Paul, the world's smallest Coke bottle. It's the tiniest Coke glass bottle. Teeny tiny. But as stated, Coke tastes better from a glass. It does, and you don't want to drink too much of it. We'll be testing it when we have three items, a glass cup, a ceramic cup, and a metal cup,

and you'll be drinking Coke from each to find out which one tastes best. Really? No. Another tea thing with cola. Yeah, the tea thing. Again, we were right. I got death threats about the tea thing,

saying we destroyed British culture have to i had to move i actually had to move in the last week someone threw a brick for your window and it said tea traitor on it you dick enemy of the enemy of the people yeah on it it was a very well inscribed brick it was etched usually just wrap an envelope around the note on but you know it was crafted as if you know i think I think people who like tea are sophisticated and they're quite skilled with chisels. Yes, they often use very elaborate, very posh ways to express their anger. But two things came up. Tea was introduced later and was associated with femininity. Yes, someone else mentioned that on Twitter.

Or the feminine, women drank tea rather than men. And coffee was a man thing. Isn't that interesting because these days, almost like the builder's tea is kind of macho, isn't it? Oh, make a brew. Or have a brew. And it's almost swung the other way slightly. I mean, it's much more unisex, obviously, now. Although a builder's brew is what I call leaving a big turd in the toilet.

I left a big builder's brew in there. I just did a shit. Builders, yeah. Yeah, builders. Builders. nice colour to it you know what I mean nice and thick I've left it into

brew it's gone all slouchy sorry love I've been to the toilet and I've left the tea bag in right I've left the tea bag in that's very good actually

sometimes that happens doesn't it I tried to flush it but of course Boom, boom. Right. I've left the tea bag in. That's very good, actually. Sometimes that happens, doesn't it? I tried to flush it, but of course I've left the tea bag in. Oh, dear. Right. Fucking die now on that. Right. Anything else?

I've got nothing. Is there any business? I've got no business. It's just weird, I guess, before the 300th Alive show, all the business, lots of business going on. Not so much business now. We did see, we should guess, before the 300th Alive show, all the business, lots of business going on. Not so much business now. We did see, we should say, about the tea update. We saw the original article which started us on that. About the scientific methods.

Someone has done a scientific thing and found that. Milk first, which is the one that I picked. Yes. Like milk, then bag, then hot water, basically. Yeah. And steepage and squeegees. Squeezage. then bag then hot water basically yeah and steepage and squeegees I don't know why that tickles me squeegees

it's a funny word squeegees isn't it anyway for a word that hasn't got any frictive consonants squeegees squeegees is quite a funny word

it's very amusing okay so the study said what that helps with is removing the hard water yes

the minerality of the hard water which which adds that watery, cardboardy taste. Takes the edge off, yeah. It takes the edge off that, which, as I found, lets the tea flavour overcome through the hard water taste. I mean, if you want to... We have hard water in London, don't we? I don't know. Yes, because if you go out to fucking Devon or something,

and they've got soft water, you try and fucking... It takes two years to get the soap off your hands. Oh, I see what you mean. That soft water. Have you ever had that? I don't know, but in LA, I remember the taps being bubbly. It's like almost fizzy water that comes out.

Oh, yeah. That's because of the design of their faucets, or taps, as we call them. Yes, because I don't know where the word faucet comes from. It comes from wherever words come from, from the language. What do you mean? Well, why do we call them taps,

but America calls them faucets? There must be a reason for that. I know, but, you know, considering England, English, origin, Britain, blah, blah, blah, I often find it amusing when Americans just decide to pick words different. Well...

Like soccer. Where did soccer come from? The word soccer. These are all facts that I don't really want to research now or I want to hear anyone's replies to on Twitter

one thing there is a sort of there is an Italian influence on vegetable names in the States whereas we all have a French zucchini

and courgette we say courgette which is the French thing little red courgette and rocket we have which is French yeah and they have arugula arugula, rockets. And they have arugula.

Arugula. Is that what they call rocket? Arugula, yeah. Oh, I didn't put that together. Oh. Put your arugula back together. None of these are going toilet bound for me.

No. We could keep on going if you only want. I've fucking left a big, hot, sticky courgette. It's to do with the, because English borrows so many words,

especially name words like that. Oh, it's a complete bastard language, yeah. Yeah. But it's to do with the Italian, obviously Italian American population, the immigrants from Italy and us being close to France. So those vegetable words diverged interest for those reasons.

You know, don't say you never learned anything on cheap show eight minutes, mate. We can stop talking now and get into the meat of this. I'm ready, man. Yeah. You wish we do a little bit of a pep talk.

What is it? Like a salutation to the pod? Shall we do a salutation to the pod? Yeah. How do we do that? What's a salutation? It's like a... It's some kind of semi-religious...

It's like yoga do salutations, don't they? It's a salute, isn't it? It's a salute to the Lord. So let's do a salute to the podcast. Jodny? Oh, he's pointing his eyes towards his groin, everyone. I'm saluting.

Oh, are you standing to attention? I'm saluting to the Commodore, yes. Oh, yes. Oh. That's not true. All rise for cheap, Joe.

This is the joke you're going to do. All rise for cheap. This is the joke. The best I can do. Your salutation, the first thing that comes to your mind, you're getting an erection.

Yeah. This, I think this is disgusting. I won't be partying to it. What do you call a flexible bear? Yoga bear. Is that yours? I don't know.

I just wanted to get a laugh to end this segment and I think that's going to have to come because my stiffy stuff is going nowhere. I was trying to say. Anyway, we take a quick break now. He doesn't actually

have an erection, guys. Of course not. It's all play. How do they know? They don't fucking know. No, it's not real. I could be sitting here with a courgette

up my arse and a trough of arugula around my nose. Yeah. Arugula feed bag. Oh, you looked at me then in a desperate let's see if this is going to work

and it didn't and now that was awkward so I'm just going to move on I think it worked yeah kind of I stand by my feed bag line

yeah good well it's not as good as your poultice material I was going to say that was right there I know you missed the poultice well

missed the poultice coming to you next week I could masticate this arugula in my nose bag for a bit and then just swap it down. You don't half talk dirty.

You easily just strap it up round and it becomes a poultice. Makeshift arugula nose bag poultice. That's just a bunch of words. Right, let's crack on. It made internal logic

sense to me. Did it? You still look desperate as fuck to me right now. So, we're going to end this segment.

Nose bag poultice. End this segment, please. Ointment. Cheap beats Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap beats Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap

Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap

Cheap, cheap, cheap I had to try and fall down. That's what I was missing. No, I'm glad you did. That is what it was missing. But fucking hell. No, mate, you reached. Couldn't keep that up.

You couldn't quite reach for it, but at least you reached that's the major thing for me okay it's Cheap Eats time again Paul and we've got some very special Cheap Eats brought back from the US

to us I am salivating quite literally because that's what happens when you're expecting food in your fucking mouth hot fucking put food

in my mouth literally this stuff was bought yesterday in America and now it's on our laps today I'm not metaphorically salivating. My actual mouth is salivating for this stuff.

All right, calm down. I'm fucking awash in saliva. All coming out the sides of my mouth. Oh, God. Dribble, dribble, dribble it goes. Ooh, wishy-washy. Dab, nip, nip. Dush, dush.

Hey, dush, dush is my word. Dush, dush. Don't mess with my dush, dush. I can say dush, dush if I like. Don't mess with my dush, dush. Hey, dush, dush is my word. Dush, dush. Don't mess with my dush, dush. I can say dush, dush if I like. Don't mess with my dush, dush. Resolve yourself then. Right. So, my partner just got back from Chicago.

Oh, yeah. Having some work time out there. Got to stop off at Chicago. Did they say anything about Chicago? Whether it was nice? Because I really want to visit Chicago. Long story short,

she had a good time. However, she found it quite threatening to be a lady alone in Chicago because it was quite rough and scary in places. I'm sure. Even in the touristy areas.

Really? She said it was like guys just stopping her on the street saying, hey, look at me. Hey, you, doll. Oh, God. And it was just like

a lot of that. And she knows it's not representative of the whole city, but it also, it didn't make her feel particularly comfortable. But, you know, she went to see Second City

and did stuff like that. Managed to have fun despite the slightly threatening atmosphere, yeah. Yeah. She said it's because she goes to New York and she enjoyed New York

and she doesn't feel the same. She didn't feel the same vibe in New York. Chicago was a little bit of threatening to her. A bit more threatening. So there you go. Anyway,

I said, when you're out there, love, go to a dangerous part of the city and get me some snacks, would you? And so she did.

Do you want to start with sweet or savoury? Oh, savoury, please. Yeah. Let's get the Cheetos out. They're mainstream. Yeah, well,

I think we've covered Cheetos before, or we have. And we've covered Flaming Hot Cheetos before because we have. And we've covered Flaming Hot Cheetos before, because we have. And we've covered the... I had the... Do you remember the jalapeno ones? Yes.

They were very nice. These are Flaming Hot Lemon Crunchy Cheetos made with real cheese. I don't think we've had the lime, have we? No. Now, these are Lime Flaming Hot Cheetos. Do you know what the cynic in me is thinking about why these Cheetos exist, Paul? Go on. And why they haven't sort of popped up before.

They look like a relatively new flavour to me. Maybe, yeah. What do you think the reason is? Because lime chips were getting popular. Tarkies. Specifically Tarkies. And specifically that tartness. Do you know what I mean? That tartness mixed with heat, which is Tarky's whole sort of existence.

Do you know what I'm getting at? That sourness. Cheetos are like, we don't like this. We're getting outsold by Tarky's. We need to get... We need to diversify. And get specifically a tart element. Because that's what Tarky's have that Cheetos don't have.

They have that cheesy element, don't they? Oh, look, in the recipe it says there's a dash of Lilo Lil in it. Lilo Lil? Yeah, she's a tart. According to the sitcom, bread. Right, I'm going to do a hoof report. Smell like turkeys. You can't smell the lime.

Oh, maybe they've downplayed the lime. What does Eli think? For he is the hoof expert. A snuff snuff pump pump. Yeah. He's working the bag rhythmically. Yes, you're absolutely right. It's very lit light on the

lime and certainly to the nose. But it might be on the mouth very tart. A turkey level of tartness on the mouth. Maybe. Shall I duck it? There's definitely a Cheeto smell. Oh yeah. Now are they going to be, they're flaming hot so they have got that lovely red hue that you know you've got something serious.

Did I tell you it had a mac and cheese? Cheetos, flaming hot mac and cheese, sort of like a pot noodle sort of pour-on. Oh, really? Had it in the States. Oh, okay, right. Like that. Oh, right.

Do you know what I mean? You eat it and you think, God, what am I eating? And then you think... It's like having sex with a Tory. That sort of thing. Very attractive Tory. Yeah.

Oh, what's he go? He's mulling. My turn for nom-noms. They're very good. The lime is there, but it is very much in the background, isn't it? The lime isn't so much a flavour as a kind of... Mouthfeel afterwards.

Yeah. Like it brings a lighter... Like when you first touch it, you get the kind of mouthfeel afterwards yeah it like it brings a lighter like when you first touch it you get the kind of ice cold nature of the lime on your tongue and then the heat of the flaming flavor warms through yes so it's like bright at the beginning yeah yeah and then dulls and becomes more umami-ish yes yeah so you go from tart to umami they're very it's quite pleasing isn't it that transition well well you put your you articulated that again well thank you it's the brightness of the the sour yeah as it hits your tongue that acid hit and then yeah the umami the cheesy who follows the cheese is the umami it rolls and the heat and the heat they're very nice they're very good dangerous though because you can

just stop piling them into your mouth the next minute you know it's like why is my mouth burning well they sell them for five quid a fucking pack in this country and people must still buy them. They're crazy. And I told you that Cheetos is what people in schools in America, hot fries and stuff, that type of product. Yeah. No, they're nice.

They're nice. I would give them solid B. I'll go 3.75 out of five. No. Okay, good. I like it Right, sweet or savoury again? Shall we go sweet? Let's go for dessert

Four more items Come on, let's go for the tasting menu and have a dessert one Alright, do you want a chocolatey sweet one or do you want a sweet fruit? I'd like something fruity, please Let's go with the lime Well, we have Laffy Taffy Candy Laff Bites, tropical flavour There's four flavours. There's red orange, mango, pineapple and guava.

Oh, wait, and there are jokes on this. Because they traditionally had them on the inside of the wrapper, but they've put them on the back of this packet now. That was the Laffy part of the taffy. I never, do you know what? Never twigged. I never twigged. I just thought they had jokes on it.

It was called Laffy Taffy. The original name back in the early 1900s was called Lafter Tafter. It wasn't called Lafter Tafter. There's no such thing as tafter. Taffy is like toffee. Oh, I'm sorry. Lafter Toffee.

Lafter Toffee. It's called Lafter Toffee. I would like some Lafter Toffee. I've left some in the toilet. It sounds like a drug though, doesn't it? Yeah. Here we go. Like laughing gas.

Where is it? Here we go. Like laughing gas. Where is it? Here we go. Open the fucking taffy. No, you're doing the jokes because it's Laffy Taffy. I say, I say, I say. What is the best thing to eat on the beach? Don't you say. I know what you're going to say. My girlfriend.

No, no. I never say start anything with my girlfriend. Best thing to eat on the beach? Sandcake. Almost. It's something like that that I can't think of right now. You're so close, it's ridiculous. Oh, shit.

I'm just going to tell you, this is painful. Sandwich. Oh, my God. Fuck me. Oh, I'm so bad at this. What did the crab say when the tide came back in? Fuck. Clicky, clacky, click. No, hang on. What did crab say when the tide came back in? Fuck! Clicky clacky click.

No, hang on. What did he say when the tide came in? What did the crab say when the tide came back in? They don't talk. They love being underwater. In a practical and realistic sense, you're right. The answer is nothing. Mr Crab. So this is sort of some cartoon. Not who's there. Nothing.

I say, I say, I say, my dog's got no nose. Nothing. Crab's there when the tide comes in and says something. That's what he says. He says, I say, I say, my dog's got no nose. Nothing. Crab's there. Tide comes in and says something. Yeah. That's what he says. He says something. Yeah.

And it's a pun. He says, pincers, my pincers. You know what I'm going to tell you. Sandwich. He says, long time no see. Oh my God. It's only been about a few hours though. Not that long a time.

Last joke. Do fish ever go on vacation? Is that a yes? That's a yes, no. Yeah. How can one of those... No, the joke is, do fish ever go on vacation? Yes.

That's the joke. It's not the joke. Yes, they go to the seaside. No. They go to the... No, they don't. They don't. I'll help you.

They don't go on vacation. So why wouldn't they go on vacation? They don't go on vacation. So why wouldn't they go on vacation? They don't go on vacation because the fares are too high. The cost of living crisis is effective. The fish, because they can't walk on land. Yeah, that's the answer. No, because they can't take a plane. No, the answer is no, because they are always in schools.

It's time to eat the candy. We really ended with the worst of those there. They weren't all winners, mate. They were no yoga bear. I'm just going to take two out. I've got a... Oh, they're hard. They're clicky clacking around.

I've got a red orange and a pineapple one here. Usually they're like soft fruit chews. Yeah, but these are more like hard shells. Oh, they're poppable. Oh, these are like oversized... Suppositories. They're like, a bit like... So I've got two flavours.

Which one of you got the same as me? Orange and pineapple. All right, here we go. I'm doing, which one's that? Orange, I'm doing that. Do they taste bland to you? Does that one taste bland? Cardboardy.

It's not high on the fruit flavour, that one. And yet, the Laffy Taffys I've seen to try in the past, I remember, seem to be really juicy. They're a bit bland, aren't they? The pineapple one is very subtle. They're all a bit subtle and sort of generic. So this is red orange and guava. The other one was mango, the pink one, and the yellow one was pineapple.

Here we go, red orange. I prefer Mike and Ike's, basically. A little bit of orange, put in that kind of orange soda flavour. Yeah, it's all very... Finally, guava. Just a bit underwhelming. Two kind of orange soda flavour yeah it's all very finely guava just a bit underwhelming two out of five they're quite nice

they're alright but they're not strong on flavour the texture's quite chewy and satisfying so that's fine yeah but it's taking a long time sticking to my teeth it's not great the texture

let's take a quick break and come back are we having a break now are we just a quick one why are we doing that is it some kind of behind thescenes editing thing

that no one needs to know about? I'll be honest with you. We're really at like 12, 13 minutes, right? And I found I can edit these podcasts quicker when we record in 15-minute bursts as opposed to 45 to 50. There's a little peek behind the fucking fetid beef curtain, like a big, thick beef curtain.

The bulbous, prol prolapse beef fucking garage doors of our show. Oh, what's that? It's a pus sack. Oh, bubble, bubble. A fucking gas sack of some insect or beast. Oh, imagine a gas sack

against your eye bouncing off your eye. Boink, boink. Why? That's a really random thing to suggest. Well, if you're trying to get through a beef curtain

and there's a big pustule or something then it will the hands come up. That's the end of that segment. Ah. Hmm.

Hmm. Ah, refreshed. Ah, I feel refreshed and fruity and raring to go, Mr Silverman. So let's just dive into the next snack treat. I tell you what, Paul, I've just been... And I've changed my poultice straddle holster.

Yeah. I've unstrapped it. Give the straps a little shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine on the straps. I've been trying out a new poultice straddle holster. Yeah. I've unstrapped it. Give the straps a little shine, shine, shine, shine. Shine, shine, shine on the straps. I've been trying out a new poultice. I've been recommended by my GP. You don't do poultices. You're not the poultice guy on this podcast.

No, I know, but the GP recommended I try one out. I'm waiting. Well, now you can get a pad with my face on that you can place anywhere you want. And it's called a poultice. There you go. That's what I'm on it. Who does the puns it's called a poultice. There you go. That's what I'm on in. Who does the puns?

I do the poultice stuff. So you can now buy a cheap show poultice with my face that you can put on your big meaty gash or something, I don't know. Oi. What else are we going to taste then, Paul? I tried it. That was an act of comedic desperation.

I apologise. Right, two more snacks. More crispy crisps. You've got two crisps. You've got a Fritos product and the company called Gardettos. Gardettos, I guess? Let's go for Gardettos and end with the Fritos

because they are the same manufacturers, aren't they, as Cheetos, Fritos? Frito-Lay, isn't it? Yeah, but this isn't a Fritos product. Well, that's what I'm saying. We sandwiched Gardettos in between the Frito-Lay products. This is Gardettos, quality since 1932. This is pizzeria flavoured.

So not a pizza, a pizzeria. So it's a bit of the counter, the table. The oven. The oven. The sweaty chef. The chef, sweaty chef.

The toilet. Someone's fucking left the tea bag in. The cake. It's all the flavours of a pizzeria. Someone's left the tea bag in, Paul. Left the tea bag in the toilet, Paul. Yep, yep, yep. They've tea bagged it.

Artificially flavoured snack mix. Oh, so it's a bit of everything. There's a crisp and a pretzel and a twist and a something or other. Let's see what it says in the back. The tradition started in the Gardetto's Bakery founded in 1932 where John Gardetto Senior trimmed breadstick ends to the perfect length and Judy added another tasty snack bit of her own blend of special seasoning. Oh, yeah.

Sounds very pornographic. Yeah, it does. She waits for the knobs to come off. And she's the snack mix. She gives them her own. Yes, she pops every tiny breadstick up her clunge and gives it a dipping and then puts it back in the bowl. It's an industrial process.

And then he rubs his dirty smeg tip penis on the end of one. He goes, there's your flavour. You've ruined it now. Oh, I've ruined it. You've ruined that whole scene for me. You've ruined it, have I? Have you? Yeah.

Why does he have to return to it with his knob after she's dunked it? Rub it on a dog's cock and put it in the thing. On a dog? How about that? Dog's red rocket flavoured crisps. Paul.

How about that? Do you want to eat that? No, in all seriousness though. Dog's red rocket crisps. Right. Paul. Paul. Anyway, it's a familyps. Right. Paul. Paul. Anyway, it's a family recipe.

That is bullshit what they said about his chopping. That is such marketing speak. Oh, the Tuscan village. He would snip the old bits off and they would go to waste. It's not that. It's someone in a factory. Well, no. It's America.

Saying, oh, I've got all this fucking crappy bread ends. What am I going to do with this? I've got to make some shit up about some guy. Ah, the Tuscan snippity snip. There's literally pictures on the back of this of the traditional restaurant it started out in. Fuck off. Such a cynical cunt.

Oh, yeah. Someone's taken these clip-off fucking... Such a cynical cunt that I can't find joy. Who makes it? Can I just read out one thing that it says here on the back that you're going to love? Go on. Yeah? It really adds to the authenticity that I can't find joy. Who makes it? Can I just read out one thing that it says here on the back that you're going to love? Go on.

Yeah? It really adds to the authenticity that I'm feeling about this story, Paul. Fuck me. Contains bioengineered food ingredients, it says on the back. Right, yes, I know.

And it says on the front. Bioengineered. It said that on the front too. Artificially flavoured snacks. Look at these. Old-timey sepia. This is such a fake product. I'm sorry.

I hate Gardettos and everything they stand for. Right, well then you can't. No, I will be snuffing this and doing the snuff report. If you don't believe in them at all and you believe it's all fake

then why bother? I'm going to try them. I'm going to try them. I wanted to ask you why is it called pizzeria? That's the flavour. I don't know because it was a bakery

that they started with. It's the taste of the bakery. That's bullshit. Just pizza flavour. Go on, open it. They can't even call it was a bakery that they started with it's the taste of the bakery that's bullshit just pizza flavour go on open it they can't even call it pizza flavour huff it

huff it now what do you think of pizza flavoured crisps nice I used to like bits of pizzas back in the day yeah you don't see that

in Britain so much these days I think recently we had a pizza flavoured snack it wasn't British though it was a German one maybe

yeah true but it's bigger on the continent the pizza as a flavour although pizza itself we had a pizza flavoured snack in the not too distant It wasn't British though It was a German one Maybe, maybe Yeah, true, but It's bigger on the continent the pizza as a flavour although pizza itself obviously is fucking huge still in this country isn't it, Paul? I'm just watching you

with your stupid bulbous fingers grasping at the pack to try and open it I was just trying to do the new method where you cut the corner but it's a bit too thick

Yeah, I'm in I'm in, alright? Yeah I'm in. I'm in. All right? Yeah. I'm in. For your fucking cool noodle hands to deal with. Ooh. Oh, look. He likes the smell of artificial bio.

Oh, I'm getting cheese and oregano. That's it. It's oregano, his pizza flavour, isn't it? Yeah. But there is a cheese whiff coming up. Ooh. That does smell like a pizzeria. All right.

Let's have a huff, then. I am impressed with that huff. But, you know, it's fake. It does smell like you stuck your head in a pizzeria. It right, let's have a huff then. I am impressed with that huff. But, you know... It does smell like you stuck your head in a pizzeria. It doesn't smell like pizza. It smells like a place where they make pizza. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

It's like that place that used to be around the corner from me when I was in East Finchley. Remember that little Italian calf? Yeah, it's got a kind of wooden... Yeah, like wood fire or something. Do you know what I mean, though? It's more than just the smell of pizza. I'm going to take a little few of these in me now.

There's definitely a distinct sort of parmesan note and an oregano note, but then there's also something sort of, yeah, wood smoky as well, backing it up. So, yeah, the little breadsticks and a bit of a pretzel. I'm going to dive into this knobbly one that looks like a little caterpillar and have a taste of this.

Oh, these look great. Hmm. I like the mouth amusement of having different types of bits. This is absolute mouth crack. God, these are fucking... I could demolish this bag. I could completely demolish it.

Yeah. Mmm. Those dark sorcerers with their bioengineered flavour profiles have fucking enticed my mouth. Enchanted my mouth. I can't stop. Like a piper of taste. No, he's just giving it here.

There's lots of different things. Give it here. Now I can taste. No, he's just giving it here. There's lots of different things. Give it here. Now I can eat. Oh, it's this one. Yeah. Oh, it's like a... Like a Ritz cracker, is it? No, this is like a crouton almost,

like a piece of sliced bread. That is something I wasn't expecting, the variation. It's like those Chex mix or whatever they call it. You know, those mixed... Exactly the same. Mmm.

But very tasty. Salty. It's not overbearing. It's quite a sensitive flavour. It's not overwhelming cheese. Yeah, and the herbiness isn't too strong as well. It's very nicely done. I like those.

I mean, they're evil. Obviously, that story is utter bullshit. There's no way... No, it might be. I'm not saying that now it isn't a massive corporate factory churning out whatever, but I can imagine back in the day... How is he sniffing off bits of bread that turn themselves into pretzels?

It doesn't even fit. Because he had loose bits of bread and he would twist them into little shapes. And then... What he made then was probably not... No. What he made then probably isn't what you get in that bag now. Absolutely not. But...

It's completely unrelated probably. The genesis... Some cunt throwing away bits of bread and his wife dusts them off with her own special juices. No, she doesn't. That's what you've invented. No, his wife's on the back.

She gave him special seeing to after he slumped it off. It doesn't say Gaudetto's Fanny White Flavoured Snack Mix, does it? Imagine someone's fanny did taste like that. He'd keep going back for more.

Oh, it's lethal. I can't... Right. I thought those were very nice if evil. Yeah. Obviously evil.

And finally today four out of five I give those cardettos. Oh yeah. B plus. Wow. Perhaps you only

get those in the Midwest around you know Chicago Illinois. Who knows. But these are this is the last of our American

because we haven't seen those before have we? Just let me fucking talk. I'm excited you're too excited now shut up

sorry lastly Fritos brand guaranteed fresh great for dipping these are scoops spicy jalapeno flavoured corn chips

so they're corn chips but there's got a scoop design so you can dip them Fritos were like sort of square ended sort of oblong shaped

chips aren't they? They're like corn chips strips. Really? Yeah. That's what a Frito is, yeah. Frito Scoop spicy jalapeno flavoured corn chips combine the tasty hearty crunch you love with the fiery taste of spicy jalapeno. Great for dipping in Frito's Bean Dip.

Bean Dip. I've just been to the loo. Left a bit of a bean dip in there. Sorry, everybody. I don't know, I've been eating something something but it looks like a big tub of guacamole in there right now. Oh. He's having a half and he's reporting it to me. There's a definite twang of jalapeno goodness in there. Is there?

Yeah. It does actually smell quite fresh for what it is. Oh, that's lovely. That lovely fresh jalapeno odour coming off that. Ooh, I know exactly what you mean. Mmm. Ooh, that's nice. Corn, I'm getting corn. Yeah, you get that.

I'm getting jalapeno. You get those notes. You get those corn notes. You get those... Just taking a few out. Bracing. This is great. Bracing jalapeno.

These have all been really nice. It's been a nice mix. Oh. Those would be danger, danger, danger. It's not too overbearing with the jalapeno. It's not like it's unpleasantly kind of bracing. Got a nice coarseness to the corn. Got the corn bits crunching down.

It's a good product. Yeah, these are lovely. Is there a cheese flavour there as well? A little bit. Feels a bit nacho cheese. What does it say? It doesn't say anything about cheese on it at all. It's just jalapeno.

Maybe that's the corn. I mean, it kind of emulsifies in your mouth and it leaves maybe a kind of... It's a bit of that umami, yeah. A bit of a rennet-y kind of thing. Oh, my. I think those are my favourite. They're quite hot.

They're not. I didn't think they were all that hot, but very tasty. They've got an afterburn. I think it's that kind of umami finish that really makes you have another bite. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, if it was just the front flavour, it's similar to the Cheetos.

Yeah. I think they're made by the same people. They're all Frito-Lay stuff, aren't they? But they both have that similar attack on your tongue where it's like a little bit of heat, a little bit of spice at the front, a little bit of that freshness. They're less tart. Yeah. They have some of that citric acid bite, though, yeah.

But it's the aftertaste that brings you back for another bite. Ooh, but the heat. They've definitely got more heat, more of acid bite, though, yeah. But it's the aftertaste that brings you back for another bite. Ooh, but the heat. They've definitely got more heat, more of a build, those three toasts. That's definitely a B plus as well for me. I'm going to say 4.25. Well, that's high ranking, top ranking. Whatever top ranking, eating some crisps and ting. All that stuff, isn't it?

Althea and Donna, top ranking. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I'm glad you spotted it. Because, you know, I am a muso as they say I know all the things about music what song were they were they voicing were they talking over

sorry which one the song they were singing over Uptown top ranking by Althea and Donna yeah the song they were singing was Bobbituit's Paradise no Palico Suit

it was called no it wasn't I can go and get the fucking single out for you right now no need to I was in that record I was there when they

recorded it you were in that record yeah inside the record like some kind of super slim man I was in the booth when they recorded it I'm gonna go get the fucking single out for you right now. You don't need to. I was in that record. I was there when they recorded it. You were in that record. You're inside the record. Like some kind of super slim man. I was in the booth when they recorded it. I'm going to go and fucking eye-nudge some polyps in this beef curtain. What does that even mean?

You should know. No, you're now just speaking utter top-to-bottom shit. I am not. I'm eye-nudging polyp sacks. Here's a question. If you had a poultice with my face on, and it was only one-sided. If, he says, everybody, if. Yeah, and it was one-sided, would you have it face up at your gooch,

or face down away from the area of note? It's immaterial. I use poultices as tools. They are no more than tools to me, Paul. They're not some kind of fetish item. Would you have my face against your body, or would you have it facing away? It wouldn't make any difference. It would.

It depends. Well, it depends where you put the face, doesn't it? Sometimes the porous side. What if the face was like... Well, it's on the waterproof underside? There's two sides to a poultice, which you'd know if you knew anything about what I like, if you cared about what I like.

Here's what I like. I prefer, if you're asking about poultices now, I prefer a waterproof outer shiner, a shiny outer waterproof, and then on the inside, that's where you get the absorbent. Boring, this fucking fucking routine isn't it oh what a boring

it's not a routine it's an actual description of a fucking modern poultice we're ending this segment where is your face on the waterproof Anders sheet you've ruined my idea

with your boredom so here's what I'm going to do to end this segment right I'm going to do a cocktail of crisps it's a new segment because Gannon's cocktail of crisps

where I take all the snacks we've just had can Can I have some? No. And I'm going to tell you what it's like to eat all of them in one go. So here we go. I've got a scoop Frito thing. I'm now adding a slight selection of

pizzeria snacks to it. This is boring. Here we go. It's just going to taste like all those crisps together. A delicate soup son of a little bit of pretzel, a bit of snack. Also, he's not considering what direction he's going to do like all those crisps together a little bit of pretzel a bit of snack also he's not considering what direction he's going to do this now I sprinkle on top a few of these

because you know it's affected by gravity like if you put the ham at the top of the cheese or in a sandwich it affects what order it hits your

tongue at so gravity is actually a factor hopefully if you went sideways that would be a different thing

and now I'm going to add a laffy taffy I was hoping you would because that is going to add some disgustingness to it. I'm all in for sin. So you could put that on your poultice. Print it on my poultice. All in for sin.

Here we go. Oh, he's really, he's munching that down. There's nothing to say. There's nothing about that mixture which we haven't covered in detail in the preceding segment. I hope you enjoyed the snack segment everybody. I certainly did. Paul's just munching

it down and it's got nothing to say. That was surprisingly fucking great because the gummy brings in all the crisps. It does not. I don't even believe

this. When you start chewing down on the taffy all the crisp segments are getting stuck to it. So then you've got this ball of taffy and crisp.

That's unpleasant. I don't like that. That's unpleasant. I've got this wave of juice and then like a nice. A wave of juice. A wave of taffy and grist. Yeah, that's unpleasant. I don't like that. It's not. That's unpleasant. I've got this wave of juice and then like a nice... A wave of juice? A wave of juice and a spicy follow-up. Give me half a minute.

I'll produce a wave of juice. I'm going to move on. I'm talking science here right now. So all of that in my mouth was great. Possibly the best thing I've had in my mouth. I'll splash a wave of juice right up your face. Yeah. Open your mouth.

Here comes a wave of juice. Here. I'm going to produce. No, don't carry on with it. I produce a wave of juice. I produce a wave of juice.

Here's what you produce. Anger in me. You bring it to the boil. Come on, mate. No, I'm having fun making a mouth cocktail. No one was having fun with that. Cocktail of snacks.

No one was having any fun with that until I said I would ejaculate onto your face in some way. No one said that. No one at home right now is listening to this. I am implying it. Thinking what you've done to my face and your imagination is anywhere near whimsy. You may refuse, but I produce the juice. The wave of juice. It's loose.

I mean, this segment can go on for as long as it needs to be. All in your caboose. I produce some juice all up in your caboose. This is pathetic.. It's loose. I mean, this segment can go on for as long as it needs to be. All in your caboose. I'll produce some juice all up in your caboose. This is pathetic. Tug it loose. I'll produce some juice. Hey, here's the best thing about this segment. What?

I get to take all of this home and you can't have any of it. Let me have one of it. No. One of them. This is all of mine. Put some in a bowl. No. Can't you put some in the bowl?

No, you're getting none of this. Can't I get sprinkles? Why? I'm going home with all of it made. Fine. And you can suck my soddy chard. You can suck it now. Anyway, it're getting none of this. Can I get sprinkles? Why? I'm going home with all of it made. Fine. And you can suck my soddy chard and you can suck it now.

Anyway, it's now time to take a break because I have a burgeoning feeling I have an enfant terrible on the way and I want to make sure I've got plenty of room

for our game. He's got to give birth to an enfant terrible. It's kicking and screaming its way out. I'll tell you that for a fact. Oh!

Hello and welcome. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut your mouth. I'm doing the bit. No, because it's the segment. Let me see the segment.

It's before you do the bit, all right? It's time for Paul's Pleasant Past Times. Everyone knows that's not what it's really called. That is what it's called. Everyone knows. And I have to do my contracted bit. You're not contracted to do a segment for Paul's pleasant pastimes? I do. It's in the theme tune.

It's not. Yes, it is. No, because the past segment has now become Paul's pleasant pastimes. No, we all know what it's called, Paul. We all know what it's called. You can't fight destiny. I can. You can't fight your destiny.

Here's me fighting destiny. Now, this needs... He's got me. Oh, destiny's got me in a headlock. I'll get out of this. Oh, a cut to the jewels. You are just delaying the inevitable moment. I'm fighting destiny.

Stop with the procrastinating. I'm fighting destiny. Well done. Yes. You've managed... It's a fight to the death. I wonder if we can fight him. We're on the Reichenbach Falls. Oh, no. We're a fight to the death. I wonder if we can fight him. We're on the Reichenbach Falls.

Oh, no. We're both falling to our death. Paul. We can see if we can keep this up for like five minutes. I'll do it. Are you in the bloop bloop? I'm bloop. You're in the bloop bloop bloop.

I'm still fighting now. Are you underwater? I want to hear the underwater voice of you fighting destiny. What's happening now? Is there not... I was waiting for the mouth noise. Two minutes in the mouth noise. Now.

Two minutes in the mouth noise. Two minutes in the mouth noise. Excuse me, darling. Would you like two minutes in the mouth noise with me? I wanted to see an octopus join in with a three-way fight under there. No, it's just me and Destiny fighting, fighting to the bitter end. Wasn't Destiny one of the gladiators? No.

I'm sure she was. I don't believe there was a gladiators? No. I'm sure she was. I don't believe there was a gladiator called Destiny. I bet there was. Look it up, why don't you? I'll explain what we're doing this week. No, you're not going

to distract me. You want to check up that, so do that. Mate, you are just going to fucking... Okay, let me put it this way. You're going to rile me up. Let me just put it this way.

I do a song. There's a theme song to this segment. Here's the theme. We know what the segment's called. We know who does a theme song. Eli. You've done your mouth noise. You're allowed to do your mouth noise whenever you like. I want

to do my bit where I do the Guardians of the Golden Games bit. Right, I'm going to do it. I'm going to take a run up. I'm taking a run up. Before you do it, I just want to say this. No matter what happens over the next 30 seconds, one minute, I'm cutting it out, so it doesn't matter what you do. Don do cut it out please

valuable lesson i'm not gonna do 30 seconds i'm just gonna do it it's a lesson you need to learn a concise inspired little segment a little ident for this segment okay it doesn't matter mate you do what you want go on have fun it's getting cut out please don't cut it out uh i won't do it go on do it no i don't want to do it have fun i It's getting cut out. Have fun. Please don't cut it out. I won't do it. Go on, do it. No, have fun. No, I don't want to do it. Have fun.

I don't want to do it now. It's getting snipped out. I don't... And let's just put this straight now. Every episode going forward is going to have the same remit, alright?

Right, I'm not doing it anymore. Good. I'm not going to do the podcast. It's not like that. It's not like that. It's not like that it's a little conversation if you wanted to join in

it's fine you can be the other person you're going to burn my retina you're putting that straight in my eye I had to scan you with my he put a laser pointer

straight into my eye not straight into your eye it was on scatter mode so it looked like a star field that still goes in your eye mate yeah your eye you can't that's fine

right you're going to blind me with that That still goes in your eye mate. Yeah your eye. That's fine. Right I'm- You're really- You're gonna blind me with that. Yeah it's terrible isn't it. This is getting cut out remember. Listen! Just let me get through this and don't try and hurt me with the laser pointer.

Put that down. Put that down! If I hold it the whole time that means you won't do this thing, will you? You can touch it. You fucking get your hands off me. Put it down. My succulent penis. Put it down. But you assured me.

No, I'm not getting into that. I see you're a master of the, what is it? The martial arts. Ah, I see you know your judo well. That's well, I love that clip. Ah, yes. Right.

He's got a gold gauge, got a gold gauge, here he comes, there he goes, what's he got, got his gold gauge. And that's it. And this week

we have a game. Yes. Yes. Gold gauge. You need to fucking watch yourself, mate. Get the gold gauge. Seriously, mate, you need to watch yourself, mate. Get the gold, guys. Seriously, mate.

You need to watch your back. Watch your back. Get the gold, guys. Gannons. Golden. Gives. No, carry on being Bruce Forsythe. I'm not being Bruce.

Sounds like it. Gannons, gold, Gannons. Shut up.ans shut up just shut up it's Gans go Gans just seal your mouth and refuse sound how about that

it's a Gans go Gans is it Gans go Gans it's Gans go Gans it's Gans go Gans it's Gans go Gans desperate look again that keen eager to be loved

expression it's Gans go Gans that gets nothing out of me dead dead everybody it's time for Gans go Gans great good and the game we're playing this week eager to be loved expression that gets nothing out of me. Dead, dead. Everybody, it's time for Gannon's Golden Games. Great, good.

And the game we're playing this week is one I saw in a charity shop. I had to get it because it was one pound, was it? It was dead cheap anyway. And it's called You Must Be Joking. It was three quid, I think.

And it says on the box the punsational play on words game. Ages 10 to adult, two to six players or more what year is this game from paul hey it's a good question i'm gonna look it up because it comes with a nice little piece of plastic card bit card not plastic this is um 1987 87 and the company is interesting i think the company was invented to simply make this game because it's called Just In Case Board Games, presumably suggesting their board games would be gag or comedy based. Yeah, and that is comedian,

Irish comedian Frank Carson, who was a stand-up in the 70s and 80s. He was mostly famous initially, I think, certainly to the public, on the TV show The Comedians. The ITV show that had Jim Bowen and fucking Roy Castle. Not Roy Castle. What was the catchphrase? Roy Castle? No. No, Roy Castle was Not Roy Castle. What was the catchphrase? Roy. Roy.

Castle? No. No, Roy Castle was the... Man. Record Breakers was Roy Castle. Yeah. Yeah. Roy... The one is...

It's good, but it's not. It's not good, but it's not quite right. Whatever that guy was called. Roy Walker. Roy Walker. And Bernard Manning. It was that stable. And fucking Bernard Manning.

Yeah, so he's from that stable, but I would have seen him because that's after my day. But I'm sure Carson was working on sort of light entertainment shows right up into well this is in 87

so he was still a household name in 87 he was a feature on Blackity Blank was he a guest on that he would have been on stuff like that yeah or whatever Hollywood squirs

we had going on all of those shows and call my blank and is he the guy who said call my blank that would be a good one it might be call my blank pull my blank pull my blank All of those shows. Call My Blank. And is he the guy who said... Call My Blank. That would be a good one.

It might be a good one. Call My Blank. Pull My Blank. Pull My Blank. Tug My Blank. Right, okay. It's going off. Now. It's just a show where everyone just gets their todges pulled.

Oh, Tug My Blank off. Now. Oh, Billy Blank off. Can I just finish the point I was going to make? No, Paul. What? Did he have a catchphrase? Yes.

I was getting to that. Was that the point you were going to make? His catchphrase was... It getting to that was that the point you were going to make his catchphrase was it's on the box as well it's the way I tell them oh that's a terrible

impression it's the way I tell them oh that's the way so it is but on the box because it threw me off on the box

it's him saying it's the way you tell them oh because it's us it's an interactive element and in it he's got like the old I don't know like end of the pier kind of, he's got like the old, I don't know, like, end of the pier kind of costume.

He's got like a boater. A boater and a red bow tie and one of those... Like a kind of boater jacket. I don't even know what you call them. It's like kind of Oxford University jacket. Those are called blazers, aren't they? Like barbershop quartet almost look.

It's a blazer. A striped blazer, I think it's called. Is that a barbershop quartet kind of look as well? It kind of is. Straw hat. Straw boater hat. Yeah. Red.

No, it's kind of just a sort of stage costume for him, I think. He was on Tis Was quite a lot. Oh. And his catchphrase was... That's where I would have seen him. Yeah, his catchphrase was, it's the way I tell him. So he'd do a joke, everyone gave him a like.

It's the way I tell him. Yeah, yeah. What is it the way I tell him say? It's not that that joke was funny in itself, the actual writing of the joke. I think... It's the way i tell him yeah yeah what is it the way i tell him say it's not it's not that that joke was funny in itself the actual writing of the joke i think it's the way that i've delivered it so he's kind of bigging himself up and not the writer of the joke what's he saying it's almost the opposite i would argue what he's saying there is the joke's not up to snuff but it's the way i tell it well that's exactly what i said no you said that you thought the joke was genuine he's bigging himself up no he's bigging himself up by saying the joke was crap and he's bigging himself up. No, he's bigging himself up by saying the joke was crap

and he's doing something with it. No, I think it's a bit less, it's a less deferential way as if it only works for him. Yeah. That's what, you're agreeing. No, I'm not agreeing with you.

You always do this. You know that. He also did a... You disagree and then agree with the point. That is exactly what you do. I can't help but disagree when I disagree with you

on the point you're making. No, you... The problem is the point you're making is about the disagreements. And then you go on to agree. Yeah. You disagree like... I can't help but disagree when I disagree with you on the point you're making. The problem is the point you're making is about the disagreements. And then you go on to agree. Yeah. You disagree like...

I don't disagree. You disagree just as a sort of reaction and then you agree with my point. That is such a poor thing to do. I don't agree with that. It's true, man. I don't agree with that. You know what I do agree with?

What? Your hand looking like a burst teddy bear. Sausage fingers, Silverman. Come to plug your nub holes. It's the way I fuck them. So, the board game, which we're not going to play

because it doesn't really need to be played. The board game almost seems like an afterthought, the actual going around the board thing. It's a very simple board with just squares around the outside, like a, you know, like a... Like a board game, like a monopoly. Like a very basic monopoly set up, yeah.

But there's no special squares, there's no... No car community chests or anything like that. you know, like a board game. Like a very basic Monopoly setup, yeah, with a picture in the middle. But there's no special squares, there's no... No card community chests or anything like that. The idea is... You get around the board. It's a bit like, have you ever heard of Linky, the game Linky, where it's like it gives you a bunch of questions,

but every answer is a clue to the Linky clue. So what connects the answers in all four of these? So that is a word game. Do you think if they marketed now, because there's more acceptance of just games on cards generally. Oh, this would just easily be just a card. That would just be in the box. There's no need to have this.

There would be no need for this. Because the idea is there is an item or a place or a personality, right? And you have pun-based clues to suggest what it is to the other player. And they have to guess. Now, when you play it in the board game version, there's meant to be a group of you and you write it down and you hand it to the person who's reading the clue out and the first one who gets it right the earliest moves around the board furthest okay so if you get it in the first clue you move three spaces if you get it on the second clue you move two

they took you three clues to guess you only move one space i see i see the scoring there but we're not going to pay any attention to that it's just me mano v mano they're not very interesting board pieces i was going to say there's some quite charming nice um illustration because the board game is effectively trying to give you the idea of you're racing to the stage at a club at a comedy club yes but if you look at this bit here just in isolation paul i can show you describe what we've got here just in that corner the bottom corner there going on well we have um a man in a green suit waving a cane and a hat and everyone's coming

out of a door and then there's another man chasing and then there's a lady what's the relationship here between these two characters it looks like a man chasing after a lady

who looks like she's off wearing a kind of ballet dress she looks like a can-can dancer or something yeah maybe a burlesque performer it looks a bit Benny Hill

that bit it's a little bit Benny Hill but it's a little bit cheeky postcard looking and there's a French sort of juggler Hill that bit, doesn't he? He's a little bit Benny Hill. That's all I'm saying. He's a little bit cheeky postcard looking almost. And there's a French sort of juggler. They're all entertainers, I guess. Yeah. And there's a man in a top tuxedo and top hat.

Yeah, what do you think his act is? He's a magician, I reckon. Oh, yeah, magician. Yeah? He's the one with the fingers. And who are these two here that we've got? That's a puppet, isn't it? Oh, it's a ventriloquism act, yeah.

And then you've got a singer, slightly fat lady. The fat lady sings. They're all cliches, aren't they? So, can-can dancer. And I think that guy who's chasing the can-can dancer is meant to be the sort of Svengali or sort of theatre manager club. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe an avant-garde juggler, sort of comedy juggler.

You get comedy jugglers sometimes, don't you? You do, yeah. I like a comedy juggler. No one likes, A, a juggler, and B, no one likes a comedy juggler. Well, I'm going to put my head above the parapet and say I like a comedy juggler. You're going to put your head up a parrot and say you like comedy jugglers? Ah! Get out of that rabbit!

Parrot. Oh, there's a full bestiary of different animals coming out now. It's the best of the best. Now, we're going to play Mano-o-Mano. Mano-o-Mano. Mano-o-Mano. Me against you. And I just want to remind everyone, last time on King of Games,

was the mall, and I won. In an exciting fashion. Because you were looking edging it. You were very much edging it. I was very much edging every step of the way. You were ribbing it. You were felching it. You were horse felching it.

My pursed lips were spitting. You were spitting horse cum onto the straw. Calmitting. You were spitting horse cum onto the straw. Calm down. You were spitting horse cum onto the straw. And then the maid came and... I am getting increasingly tired with your company. Can I just state that? The stable boy came along.

Oh, what's this mess? Nothing stable about him. He had one leg shorter than the other. Yogi Bear. Yoga Bear. I like that Yoga Bear line. You must have nicked it. Maybe.

So we're just going to play off the cards. Explain to me how I'm going to win this. So there are four categories, right? Places, people, things, and miscellaneous. Should I keep the score for this, Paul? I'm going to take a places card out and just go through the motions and tell you how this game plays. So this is just a demonstration.

It doesn't count. So on this card, Eli, look, there are two things to choose from. So you get two... There's two sections on the card, a top section and a bottom section. Yeah. You can pick any one of those you want.

Either the top or the bottom is okay, yeah? So I'm going to pick, just for the hell of it, the top one. And then there are three clues that help you guess the place. Okay. And the first one is this, where people really get down because things are hopping.

So where do you think that one in the world might be? You don't know. So let's go on to the next clue. Where an encounter with a crocodile will leave you in stitches. In Australian. Australia is the answer. Oh. So that's the thing.

At Australia. And then the third clue is also known as the land of Oz. Right. What's the first thing got to do with it that first clue get down down under down under and then hopping kangaroos oh i see that's quite obtuse the first one yeah but that's why we're going to introduce we're going to have three points for first guessing on the first one two points the same structure yeah yeah two points if we guess it on the second clue and only one point we get on the first no points if we don't get it at all yeah i'm gonna set the timer for 20 minutes

no i'm not 15 minutes 10 minutes eight minutes 18 minutes already i'm doing 10 fuck this well you're gonna lose a bit from gander's golden games aren't you that's all getting cut oh please don't i like doing it i like listening back to it i don't care what you like what don't you understand about my absolute belligerence to your existence belligerence to your existence you heard it here first everyone word nonsense from paul's stupid dirty mouth 10 minutes on the clock here we go p e those are our first initials have you written it down i've written p and e down on this piece of paper.

Right. Cue the comedy music, because this is going to be funny. Here we go. What category do you want, Eli Silverman? Can I be reminded of the categories, please? Places, people, things, and miscellaneous. And if you pick, say, things, you can't pick it for your next question.

I'll have people, please. People. Here we go. Right, I'm picking the card. People, people, people. Right. An SOB showed her to be a real boob. It's a person. Which SOB showed to be a real boob? Son's a person. Which SOB showed to be

a real boob? Son of a bitch SOB is. Yeah. So which son of a bitch showed her to be a real boob? Is it Pamela Anderson? She's got boobies. Barbara Windsor.

Barbara Windsor. Right, next clue. Two. She got a lot of mail about her Victorian effort. Oh, who's this, eh? Victorian effort? What's that? Some kind of... Mail. M-A-L-E.

Mail. A lot of mail. She got a lot of mail about her Victorian effort. M-A-I-L. Or M-A-L-E. M-A-L-L. Or M-A-L-E. M-A-L-E. As in male. Cock.

As in man. As in fucking. Of man. She got a right dick in. Did she get a proper dick in and then it's a vibrator? Do you want to go on that guess? Do you want to have a guess?

Queen Victoria. No, you're saying Queen Victoria got a big dick in. She got a dick in from a mechanical object. Right, anyway. Quest clue three. It's your last chance.

Oh, I'm so shit at this. Her umbrella keeps popping up in the movies. Mary Poppins. So who is it? Julie Andrews. It's Julie Andrews for one point.

Thank you. Right. How was she using a dildo in that film? I don't understand. How did she get that from? It says male and then she cranks up

a dildo up her... She was in a film says male and then she cranks up a dildo she was in a film called Victor Victoria shut up and let me explain fuck me oh I'm gonna fucking rip this

off your face right she was in a film called Victor Victoria where she played a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a

woman thank you right that's all I needed where she played a male kind of female and a male it was one of those

roles that kind of broke her out from being seen as Julie Andrews, you know, popping. The singing sort of, yeah. Ah! There's my cards. I would like miscellaneous, because I have no idea what miscellaneous means. So it's behind that.

It means miscellaneous? I know, but I don't know what it means in terms of the answers, what to expect. It's just random things. So this could be anything. It isn't a place or a person, I guess. So pick one of those two to read to me now. Come on, pun it.

Okay, you ready? Yeah. This is your first clue, Paul. It is. A velvet... Oh, sorry, that doesn't say velvet at all. A vulva. Sorry, I've got velvet on my mind.

In a vulva. A select group of gilt-edged citizens. Gilt, guilt, guilt. Lawged citizens. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Lawyers. Solicitors. All right.

So guilt is spelled as in guilty. Yeah, guilt. So you didn't get it there. Prisoners. You only get one answer. Yeah, I didn't say that. Of course you do. So then how am I going to decide to move on?

Because some of them are going to be witty, and I don't want them to be taken seriously as proper guests. You've made a proper guess. You've made two proper guesses there. Next clue then. Fine. Fine. They come.

They come. They come. Come on. Come on. Come on. It's good to be back. It's good to be back. Hello.

Hello. Are you doing that now? No, I'm doing Oasis, aren't I? That sounds just like fucking Gary Glitter. Yeah, because it is them doing that. Are you ready for this next clue? Yeah, go on. They come 12 to a case.

12 to a case. They come 12 to a case. Do you know what the problem is with this? You read this out and then they don't get the pun because they don't know which person of the world. Mail, for example, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is shit.

Strange. Shit game. It's one of those things where it works on the page and not in the mouth and vice versa. It doesn which person of the world. Mail, for example, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is shit. Shit game. It's one of those things where it's like it works on the page and not in the mouth and vice versa. It doesn't work in the mouth. Puns don't often work in the mouth. Sometimes they're page-based puns. Yeah, and they're not mouth puns.

And you don't work in anyone's mouth, do you? You just go limp, flop out and just drop off there by my lip. Oh, come on. That was uncalled for. They come in 12 to a case. Yeah. What is it? What is this thing?

Guilt You get one Prisoners The number 12 isn't ringing any bells for you Number 12 Busses Right Lego

Are you ready? Go on, next clue then Last clue This is your last chance to score Got it They get hung Hung Yeah

For being indecisive 12. For being indecisive. Twelve. Hung. For being indecisive. Guilt edged citizens. Citizens. So it's people. Is it a bunch of people I'm thinking about now? Right. And it's not criminals and it's not lawyers and it's not solicitors. Very much in

that arena though, Paul. And they're hung. Judges. Twelve judges. Jury. Oh my God. It's a jury. It's so painful to get that. Jury. I'm giving you half a point.

No, you, no. I'm half a point. Oh. Oh, I, oh. Oh my God. Oh, hello, I'm, oh yes. What are you doing here? I just happened to be here.

I thought you left with the copy characters. No, I had to stay behind for a little reason. No, no reason. Have you been eating cheese as well? There's only a little bit left. It's only going to go to waste. Are you going to leave, please, Arthur Point? Because I don't like what you've been up to.

Well, I've got to anyway. I've got another place to go to right now anyway. You've got somewhere else to go? Some people to speak to, yeah. Put it that way. All right. Fucking cheeky bastards. Fucking tell me about eating fucking cheese.

Fucking one-shot character, Paul. I'm more than a one-shot now. No, you just leave. You're a one-shot character and that's all you'll ever a one-shot now. No, you just leave. You're a one-shot character and that's all you'll ever be. My turn for the questions. What do you want? People, places, miscellaneous or things?

Hello, I would like miscellaneous. Hello, I'm miscellaneous. No, really, really don't. All right, okay. Pick you a card up. Here we go. One point each. Yeah.

People are itching to get away from them because they're a bloody nuisance lice no louses no i'm moving on now one one answer only eli next question clue these little buggers can really get under your skin mites no because you said that and i said no didn't? So that means it's not that. Bedbugs. No, you're not going to get it. Next one.

Last clue for one point. Piss poor. People are always trying to get these little bleeders to buzz off. Mosquitoes. Is correct. One point for me. One point for Eli. I would like things next.

Things. I mean, what's the point? Hang on, here's a good question? What's the difference? Hang on, here's a good question. What's the difference between miscellaneous and things? It's terrible.

They're both basically the same, right? Stuff things, other things. Doodads. Yeah. They really ran out of,

didn't they? Seriously, they could have done anything like food as another category. They just wanted to keep it sort of nice, every section the same.

Basically the same as miscellaneous. Go on, give me clue one. Okay, provides an uplifting experience for people Keep it sort of nice, every section the same. Basically the same as miscellaneous. Go on, give me clue one. Okay. Provides an uplifting experience for people who enjoy tall stories. Oh, it's an elevator or a lift. Is that three points to Paul?

Is it? Let me hear you say hey. I'm not saying hey. Oh. Oh. Stop singing with yourself. Hey. Oh.

Hey. Oh. Quickly, before the time is, I can come back. All right, what do you want then? Things. Things. Right, I'm just picking one at random. Here we go.

I need three points. Right, this Englishman appeared in some really wild movies. Oh, I see what the pun is there, but it would definitely not work spoken, that pun. Well, tell me which word is... It only really works once you know what the answer is. Now, tell me which word is spelled differently. Appeared. pun well tell me what it really works once you know what the answer is now tell me what which word is spelled differently appeared it's spelled a dash peered p-e-e-r-e-d it's confusing isn't it for a little brain like yours clonk clinky clonk clink clonk clinky clonk clink oh dear you don't know do you have it works i'll read it again this englishman appeared in some really wild movies. And it's not Hugh Grant.

Olivier. No. Next question. He's a real swinger who got carried away after too much vine. I think that's meant to be wine. Tarzan. Is correct. Two points for Mr. Silverman.

Because he was a lord, wasn't he? Lord Greystone. He was a peer. Yeah. So, oh, oh, we've got 50 seconds left. Right, you get one more question. Quick, I will have people. Wrap it up. Wrap up your victory. No, I'll have places. We haven't, oh, oh, we've got 50 seconds left. Right, you get one more question. Quick, I will have people.

Wrap it up. Wrap up your victory. No, I'll have places. We haven't done places, have we? I'll do places,

because I think that's good. Okay. Hurry up, then. That's it. Whatever happens, we'll play it, yeah? All right.

Even if you run out of time, I've started. Run the clock off. I've started, so you finish. Yeah. I'll finish.

Oh, we'll do this. A juice wave coming your way. Yeah, you've got a juice wave, so I want this to be a roll-on question. I don't have to be restricted to the remaining time on the clock, which is as it stands, 23 seconds. Okay, here we go.

Your first clue. Yes. It's ingrained in the history of North Africa. Ingrained in the history of North Africa. Ingrained as in grain of sand. Yeah, so is it a desert? Sahara Desert? Is it the certain desert? No. In grain, as in grain of sand. Yeah, so is it a desert? Sahara Desert? Is it the certain desert?

No. What's in the desert? No, the second clue. Okay. A hotspot for picking up a date. Say, I've started, so I'll finish. I've started, so I'll finish. Say again, then.

A hotspot. I've started, Paul, so I'll finish. Yeah. I love saying that. Dinner time, Paul. I've started, so I'll finish. Yeah. I love saying that. Dinner time, Paul. I started, so I'll finish. Your mum didn't sound like that. Anyway.

No. Well, do a proper impression of your mum. Who said it was me in the story? Sorry, I've smacked the wire. Okay. Who said it was me in the story just now? Well, they were called Paul. Go on.

Right. You're looking at the card. I saw you looking at the card. I saw you looking at the card. He's peeping at the card. I'm looking at the time on the thing, which says 30 minutes, which means I'm dreading the edit of this already. A hotspot for picking up a date.

Hotspot for picking up. Is it date? I'll amplify. Date is just, yeah. The words that are in quotations, picking up and date. Desert grain. Don't know. Next one.

Where the French were once legion. Oh, the foreign legion. Where was that based? I don't fucking know. Egypt. Egypt? You're out of... You've blanked. You're the first person to blank.

The answer was the Sahara Desert. I said the Sahara Desert. Wait, hang on. Sahara Desert? I'm cutting that into the episode. I will not stand by that. I get a point. You did not get a point for that.

I get a point for whatever I cut it into. You fucking did not. I think it was three points. Mate, I am the master of the edit, man. So I can do whatever I want. People points. Mate, I am the master of the edit, man. No, I don't care. So I can do whatever I want. People know. Mate, can you count to ten for me right now?

No, I'm not. Fuck off. Just count to ten for me for no real reason. I'm going to count up the score, the actual points. I'm not saying anything. What's the actual score, then? I mean, I've won it anyway. No, it's a draw.

It's not. It's a draw, Paul. Because I got Sahara right, so that must be a one more. No, you didn't. It's a draw, Paul. Now we have to have a tiebreaker. No anyway No It's a draw It's not It's a draw Paul Because I got Sahara right So that must be on one more No you didn't It's a draw Paul Now we have to have a tiebreaker No Because it's a draw

It's 30 minutes and I don't care So you didn't win And I'd rather we draw Than you win Okay we draw then I don't even want to win I just don't want you to win Fine I haven't won

Happy now But you haven't won That was Gannon's Golden Games This week And let's be honest I thought it'd be funnier. I thought we'd get some more rude stuff out of it. There wasn't enough rude stuff. They've been meticulous

to avoid any rudeness there, haven't they? I'll give you a rude one then. Clue one. Clange. This member isn't part of a group. Lone dick. It's favourite place in the world is an on gorge. A wrecked lone penis. Cumorge. A Rex loan penis.

Cum beads. And your final clue, it's a big fat cock in your mouth. Sorry, I just dropped the phone again. I dropped, I just gave up. You gave up. I gave up. You gave up, man. I gave up.

I enjoyed it. I gave up. I gave up, man. I gave up. I'm driving. I gave up. Want to know more about Cheap Show? Where you can find links to merch, magazines, videos, pages dedicated to each episode with pictures and video accompaniment.

Why? You can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. It's all there. And links to Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Because we're on twitter where we're most active at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show i'm eli snoid spelled e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d please look out for my radio show the house of pickle sound show which is on soho radio this sunday it's good listening everybody it's good listening two till four this sunday so i think we should announce as well. I forgot Halloween night Monday. We're going to do a Twitch stream.

Scary. Biffo is going to be part of it as well. So we're doing a spooky Halloween Twitch stream, probably eight o'clock till 10 as usual on Twitch. Halloween night Monday, UK time, 8pm. Come join us.

We're going to do some fun, spooky things, but that's still two weeks away. Yeah, it's Halloween. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, plenty of time. So put that in your calendar and join. Yeah. It's Halloween. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, plenty of time. So put that in your calendar and join us on Twitch for a Halloween spook-a-thon with Mr. Biffo and some digitizer surprises. Ooh.

What else? Patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you would like to donate to this podcast and keep the wheels spinning on it. You really do. Thank you so much. My beard proper oiled

and I leave smudges around town. And remember, we say it every week but it is true give what you can but only if you can if you can't afford to support us on Patreon

that's fine help spread the word retweet that's just as valid for us and it helps us grow and that's what it's ultimately about thank you very much

the oil that I put on my beard you know I can source that all over the place you've been you've been secretly nuzzling throughout the land for the past few years now you couldn't do it

when during lockdown obviously I wouldn't do that but you've been secretly nuzzling throughout the land for the past few years. Now, you couldn't do it when during lockdown, obviously. I wouldn't do that, Paul. But you've been like, have you been listening to Cheap Show the next morning seeing a weird moisture nuzzle on the glass?

That's the love you get. The anonymous, weird, creepy, in the middle of the night love from a nuzzlage, an oily nuzzlage at night, up against your window pane. Smoochy, smoochy, smooch.

Maybe you... Do the kissy noise, Paul. That would work there. There, that's the sound of my nuzzles. So maybe keep an eye out for the nuzzle fairy. He'll come visit you in the night, if that so pleases. Right, that's it for this week.

Thanks, everyone. We will see you next week. Bye. Hopefully be less fractious. Sorry, Paul's had a... It's always fractious. Paul's got a stick up his arse this week for some reason. It's because I'm trying to work out that enfant de relo

best of them