CheapShow - Ep 306: Two Conspiracies

Episode Date: November 4, 2022

Whoops-a-daisy! We were so busy planning out Halloween Twitch stream (now available on YouTube) that we forgot to plan for the actual podcast recording session beforehand. So, what do Paul and Eli go when they’ve got nothing to nibble on, play with or argue over… You’re about to find out! The cheap chaps come up with some segments on the fly (say hello “Eli’s Dream”!) and, in an act of pure desperation, whip out some “mystery” themed Story Cubes. As a result of this, prepare yourself for two tales of mind-boggling conspiracy that will challenge everything you hold dear… Or make you realise just how poor Paul and Eli are at improvised storytelling. They promise to be better prepared next week! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-306-two-conspiracies And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl Leicester Comedy Festival 2023 Tickets https://www.ticketsource.co.uk/tripleceepee/cheapshow/e-edzlgb MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello ladies and gentlemen, it's Cheap Show Time once again, weekday daytime to you. Whatever time of weekday time that may be, it could be morn time or it could be eve time. Eve morn time, whatever time it is you decide to join us and listen to this episode, welcome to you. Hello, I'm Eli Silverman, midday time. Midday time is a good one, thanks for catching that, I would have forgotten. We're recording this under strange circumstances because as of this evening of this recording which is halloween day itself we are doing a twitch stream but by the time this episode goes out that'll have happened so we don't need to talk about it too much but it means that we're recording with the zoom with a plug-in mic on we're not doing it with our usual setup and

we're in the studio so it sounds different it's going to be different so deal with it how does it sound does it sound boomy no it's kind of i mean i'm gonna check when i edit it i'll add a bit of compression everything but like it sounds a little bit thin a little bit thin but that's just because of the mic i'm using this weird bulbous tip and a microphone attachment that's round get me bulbous tip out darling rub it around your lips get my bulbous tip out baby rub it on your tits get my bulbous tip out, baby. Rub it on your tits. Get my bulbous tip out, darling. Isn't it a treat? Get my bulbous penis out. I'll rub it in between the toes

of your feet. And then spunk. And then spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk. Don't start trying to get me to clap along with that swing beat. Spunk, spunk, spunk. I will not take part in this. Spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk.

Here we go. And that's our cold open. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Cheap show It's the price of shade Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep Show.

It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheep Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Paul? Yeah, oh, yeah, no, I'm glad you're keen. Get in it.

Paul, I have something to say. Yeah? I have something to say to you as well. No, it's not something to you. Oh, I'm sorry, I said that now. Because you've got something to say to me. I do have something to say to you. I have something to say.

Who's this about? It's about me or the listener. I'm talking to the listeners. Hello, listeners. A lot of you have been clamouring for an update on the sea monkeys yes is that what you're gonna say yes i was actually gonna ask you because you said you're gonna take a film because remember 24 hours after your thing you have to put the other things in did you do it why didn't you do it and did you film it and why didn't you film it i didn't film it no i did do it okay and how are they going okay can i just they're dead everyone

can i just say i have not flushed them you flushed them let me say now you go up and i don't know about you paul but i used to read marvel comics and they had the original sea monkey adverts back in the back in the day when i was reading them yeah spider-man used to get all four spider-man titles web of peter Peter Parker the Spectacular. What made them different? I totally don't understand. Totally different storylines. Different baddies. But why couldn't they all have been told under one comic name? Well, you ask that, this was part of

the 80s bloat. The huge boom. Yeah, it's ridiculous having four separate comic books. One of these titles, you've got Peter Parker the Spectacular, and then Amazing, and then Web Of. But then there was also classic Marvel tales, which was reprinting the 60s Spider-Man.

So that made the fourth. And you used to get the Sea Monkey advert. And I used to think, wow, Sea Monkeys, what a great thing. I can't wait to get some of them. I thought, wow, that's amazing. What are they? What are they? Well, to the eye in the advert,

they're weird kind of squidian kind of king-like creatures. Squidian, did you say? Squidian-type creatures. What's a squidian? A squid-type creature. Squidian. It's very squidian. Is that from Blake Seven or something?

No, it's just, you know. You've made that up? Yeah, just now. It's good. Thank you. It's good, I like it. For a show that makes up a lot of words on a regular basis, I'm glad that one passed muster.

So what is a squidion is... Let's just get this straight. Maybe a H.P. Lovecraft creature could be described as squidion. I thought more a squidion was more an anthropomorphised, half-man, half-squid sort of creature. I mean, I'm not discounting that. I can make that valid. I want that validated.

It's squidion. Right. It's on this week's episode. Is it squidion's squid it is squidian right now paul so this goes back to the sea monkeys go on and then you get older you watched internet videos about nostalgic things and people say that they were rip off and they were disappointing right obviously like all those people complaining it wasn't as good and blah blah let me tell you now yeah i was not prepared for the level of disappointment i felt with my own experience with the sea monkeys still to this stage i don't know if i've been looking daily at some flecks of crap just floating around or whether they're sea monkeys i don't know

i don't fucking know i've followed all instructions. I've given them half a feeding thing. I did wait the whole day. I look at them daily. I give it, because there was an extra instruction on a little printed printout, which said you need to aerate them. So I give it a shake every day. I've been doing that. I've been doing that.

Oh, with the little squeezy thing? Sometimes, no. It says hold the base and jostle, yeah. Well, I think you've been really the wrong instruction i have not pamphlet no i have not i think you may have no just to be clear paul i have been masturbating in my room like i always do yeah good okay so that goes on baby sweet child i've been you know petting the squidian you've been playing with your squidian bulbous tip. But honestly, I mean, sometimes I feel like I might have seen one. Hello.

I am squidian bulbous tip. Oh, are you a space commander? I've got nothing else. All right, okay. Good, off you go then. Bye-bye. All right. They keep following us even when we're doing it here. That's just a one-off.

Yeah. They keep following out the shoot. Every now and then, I'll just hear... Yeah, chute. Yeah, they come out. And then a character comes out. So you're not happy with your monkeys. Covered in what?

Just a primordial goop. Ectoplasmic goop, yeah. Yeah, you know. We are pliasmic goop. Yeah. I am miasmic goop. I come from down your way and I can play. I play the piano.

Bum, bum, bum, P and P and piano. Squidgin, squidgin, squidgin, squidgin, squidgin, slime, squidgin, goop, goop, my squidgin hole. We have nothing planned this week on the podcast. There might be more songs, everybody. But honestly, Paul, these sea monkeys, fuck that. It's terrible. I don't even know. I've been just looking at lots of tiny little floaters, basically.

Well, how many gags can I make out of that statement? I haven't been pooing into the sea monkey tank. Maybe you need to. Oh, right. Are you ready for a dream? I think this will amuse our listenership, yeah. Listen, I just want to do a little... Definitely, yes.

But let me just say something first to the audience. We're setting up for the Twitch stream. We're getting everything ready. I'm putting the cameras up. And then I look into my bag. We have to do the cheap show at the same time. Oh, I forgot everything for cheap show this week. So this week, you're going to have to give us a gimme.

You're going to have to let us off the hook. This is just going to be an hour's worth of me and him talking. Well, that's what it usually is. Yeah. I mean, really. So I'm going to exploit that and break up whatever content we can out of this arrangement. So what I'm going to do is make this the opening that we've done.

Congratulations, us. Break. Sound effect. Tingle-ingle-ingle. Oh, Eli, you had a dream. Oh, that's the next segment. That was a lovely story. Click off next segment.

Story cubes. I don't know if that's bloody content yeah but I was meant to say that for the Twitch stream but now I can't use it for the Twitch stream what are we going to do

in the Twitch stream we're going to do the cocktails aren't we or if you're listening to this we did the cocktails didn't we hopefully and we did the ghost game

that you were reasonably impressed by I liked it I like the noises any others does it go does it go yeah I think Does it go, does it go, yeah. Yeah, I think it does go, yeah. Does it go, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, ch's sake. And now it's time for a new segment of Cheap Show,

Eli's Dreams. Thank you. Ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting. Eli's Dreams. Ting, ting, ting.

Batman covered. Now, put in something surreal there. Like dreamy. What's so squeaky? It's my butt. Butt, butt. Is it? Yeah.

I think it might be my butt. No, it was me against the back of the leatherette. Oh, leatherette. So you go, do the thing. Sorry, I ruined that with the squeaky bum talk. Here we go. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Eli's dream. Ding, ding, ding. Vanborough Martindale. Closet. Eli's dream. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That was Eli's ting, ting, ting, ting. Vanborough Martindale. Closet. Eli's dream, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. That was Eli's ting, ting, dream, ting, ting, ting. Heliphone bluesy bite. I thought there was going to be more to it than just you saying random words. Heliphone bluesy bite. All right.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Eli's dream. You had to shout. I know, but I just had a had a... You had a moment. A moment of joy de vivre. Joy de vive. Joy de vive, right. Joycee vive. Joy...

Oh. Hello, I'm Joycee vive. Oh, get in the chute. Oh, she's fell out the... Get out. Get straight back up the chute with the muck. Again, just to reiterate that we have no content this week on Cheap Show, so this is a complete

Hail Mary episode we are just trying to delay the inevitable arrival of the story which will be hugely disappointing to all involved immensely disappointing because Eli as we know

is creatively stunted I am not creatively stunted could you have come up with a word like heliophone let me have a go squidian heliophone I think squidian is already a tick on my book.

I bet it turns out that that's some kind of established sci-fi character that Asimov came up with or something. I'm going to have a look then. I'll teach you, you bastard. Squid I-A-N. No, E-O-N. Squidion. Oh.

Ready, a place I don't like going to. It's scary. They have a squidion on their hybrid animals Squidions seem to roll off the tongue better Anyway, looks nice and frightening No one is safe in land, sea or air And there's a... What's it a picture of?

I don't know It's a half squid, half... I'm going to look That's what a squidion is according to... Wow, there's an actual picture of a squidion It's a squid with wings It's a squid with wings, like a pigeon Squidion

Oh, it's squidion It's not called squidion It's a squidion Nice catch, we're still good It's a squid with wings. Like a pigeon. Squidion. It's not called squidion. Nice catch. We're still good. It's a squidion. Not a squidion. The squidion is something totally different. Right. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Eli's dreams.

Ding, ding, ding. Now. Now, Paul. Paul's broke. Ten minutes in right this stream's gonna be shit tonight my dog Biffo's gonna be

here doing his thing well hopefully we'll be pissed before the end of it yeah very good slightly pissed right so this is the dream part now

this is now the dream part of Eli's dreams go okay now imagine if you will a shallow bath that is hanging out of a window above the street. Half in, half out of building, like a kind of Buster Keaton film.

Sort of. Have you ever seen those old photos of the baby cages they used to have in New York? No. Where they'd hang out over the street like a cage out the window. Right. For what purpose? To put your baby in.

Like a crib that hangs in the air over the street. Yeah, like a cage. out the window. Right. For what purpose? To put your baby in. Like a crib that hangs in the air over the street? Yeah, like a cage. Here we go. He's gone back to his phone, everyone. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Pulls on his phone. Ding, ding.

Baby cage. Go to images. Oh, no, there's a crib. Oh, God. See? Wait, what's all that about? Yeah, that's the photo. That's fucking crazy.

Yeah. It's literally a baby. Imagine that without the cage and if the bed was a bath. See? Wait, what's all that about? Yeah, that's the photo. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. It's literally a baby. Imagine that without the cage and if the bed was a bath. Okay? All right, I just want to say that there's a genuine picture of a baby cage that were popular between 1934 and 1948, but it's literally what you think. A cage hanging out the side of someone's house on an upper-story building,

and the baby looks, quite rightly, perturbed as fuck. Well, it increases the floor space so that the crib doesn't take i'd quite like that yeah but what if you're dead baby's dead yeah your baby oh fucking dropping babies again oh it's raining babies hallelujah it's raining quite a tragic sight now we've gone dead baby that's not it was not my attention we went full dead now oh that's a good name for a kind of band isn't it, we've gone dead baby. That was not my attention. We went full dead baby. That's a good name for a kind of band, isn't it? Full dead baby. Full dead baby.

So, there's a bath, and it's a shallow bath, which means it's not too deep. It's not like a big full-size bath. Basically, it's like a seat filled with water, more like. But it is made of enamel. And it's half hanging out of the building. I'm sitting in there. Which end are you in? Are they in the in bit, or are they hanging out the side? Imagine this. Yeah,amel. And it's half hanging out of the building. I'm sitting in there. Which end are you in? Are they in the in bit or are they hanging out the side?

Imagine this. Yeah, yeah. And it's outside, so I'm sort of hanging over the street. You're in full Italian job finale mode. Which is fully several stories down. Yeah. Some ladies come along. Yeah, ladies.

Wait. I'm starting to get off. They're sort of shuffling along. They've got their own baths along the way. There's a lot of baths hanging out the side of the door. Yeah, there's a whole row of them. And there's a lady in the next bath. Then she's sort of getting friendly, yeah.

Is there a gap between the baths? No, she's sort of perched on the side of mine. So it's a row of dangling baths. Yes. Right, got it. Another great name for a band. And then she's sort of getting...

We're getting off and I'm sort of reaching around. Yeah. Okay. And it's nice, you know what I mean? And then I think, oh, I've got to go.

And then I sort of pull myself up at the bath and I realise I've shat in the bath. Just a little bit, but enough to be noticeable. And I'm like, oh, I hope they don't notice that. I hope she doesn't notice that. Yeah. And that's the end of the dream. Sure the dream wasn't her peering over into your bathtub and going, ooh. It was all there for everyone to see I wonder what that means

little floaty nugs nugs if you have an idea of what this dream could mean why not get in touch with us thecheapshow at gmail.com we'd love to hear your thoughts and theories over what psychologically that means for Eli I think it's quite clear I'm a very disturbed little boy

you find kissing women a risk and when you do kiss a woman you shit your pants means for Eli. I think it's quite clear I'm a very disturbed little boy. You find kissing women a risk and when you do kiss a woman, you shit your pants. Something like that. I'm scared, both scared and anxiety around sex. The actual getting off was a nice bit of the dream though. Maybe you see defecation as a kind of psychological

apology almost. That little poo was a little bit of your grief, a little bit of your shame left behind. I don't know what it was. It was embarrassing. Maybe the poo stands for you liberating yourself from that regret. So you've had a good kiss. And as a result,

you've rejected a little bit of negativity in the form of that poo. Left it in the little, in the baby cage style bath shelf thing. Yeah. Do, do, do, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, Eli. Yeah. Do, do, do. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting.

Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. Eli's dream. Ting, ting, ting. Shitty bath shelf. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. See, I thought when you said baby cage,

I thought you were going to be like a little tiny baby that was like, come on. Like Nicolas Cage. Oh, God. Little baby Nicolas Cage. Oh, is that your Nicolas Cage? What about a baby cage with a baby cage inside? Yeah.

A little baby cage. Nicolas Cage? You could let some bees in there. I can't do a Nicolas Cage. The bees! The bees! Yes. A tiny baby cage on a baby cage surrounded by bees

and have the little baby say, Oh, the bees! No! No, Marty! No, the bees! No! God no! No Marty! No the bees! He doesn't say no Marty. I can't do an impression of Nicolas Cage.

He doesn't have a very sort of No he has this kind of voice like this. No you're doing I know you're doing Doc Brown. You're doing Doc Brown. But

Marty! But you know what I'm hearing I'm Nicolas Cage. No he sounds nothing like that. He's got that kind of thing. No he does not. I do like what you're doing but? I'm Nicolas Cage. No, he sounds nothing like that. He's got that kind of thing. No, he does not. I do like what you're doing, but it's not Nicolas Cage at all. Do you do Nicolas Cage, though?

I have no idea. You go like this. No, he doesn't do that. Listen. I'm Nicolas Cage. He doesn't. He goes... He goes like... He goes...

Oh, no, the bees! God, no! Like that. Oh, yeah, he does say the bees a lot, doesn't. He goes... He goes like... He goes... No, no, the bees! God, no! Like that. Oh, yeah, he does say the bees a lot, doesn't he? I can imagine there's a slight Elvis-ish thing to him. Elvis-ish. Elvis-ish. Elvis-ish thing to him.

Elvis-ish sausage. Elvis-ish sausage. Thank you very much. Yeah. That's you. You're the Rocket Man. That's from The Rock. Is it? Where he kills Tony Todd. You love those, don're the Rocket Man. That's from The Rock. Is it?

Where he kills Tony Todd. You love those, don't you, The Rock? I like The Rock. I'm not a huge fan of Michael Bay films, but I like The Rock. It's when action films used to be fun, didn't they? I should plug, seeing as it was Halloween, I should plug Ben's film, Matriarch. Go on. This is actually the closest we get to a showbiz kind of thing, isn't it?

It's actually quite thrilling. So Ben made Clankerman, right? Ben, the director and co-writer of my film clankerman his film now is it well our film i would have said not mine i'm not involved i said the director and co-writer of yes of my film as if to say that it's your film that you commissioned him to make oh the tiresomeness is really just risen i'm just saying I would have said I wrote this with Ben it was our film our collective film the film I made with Ben

was Clankerman our film are you happy? yes happier he has made a feature film and it is available to stream now

on Disney Plus Matriarch it's impressive isn't it a proper big film and he didn't cast Eli I wonder why there was the leads are both females.

You could have played one of them. He gave that to Simon, his other mate. Yeah, exactly. His better actor friend. Don't. Please don't. Cut that out. Can I be in your next one? I don't like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what, Paul? I want to show you something. You've seen the film, by the way. You like it, didn't you? Very good. I mean, I read the script before he'd even made it and everything and gave him feedback. And remember to look up Matriarch 2022 because there is also a film from 2018 called Matriarch as well, isn't there?

Yeah. I don't want to get into it, but that wasn't Ben's first choice for the title. No, of course not. But a lot of people hate it, but a lot of people have been saying, oh, my God, what did I just see? And shit like that. So, of course not. But people have been, a lot of people hate it, but a lot of people have been saying, oh my God, what did I just see? And shit like that.

So it's not boring. It's not boring for people. So that's a really good sign. It is a slow burner and it's kind of folk horror-y, right? It's folk horror meets body horror. It's very much

a sort of a mixture of those two. Well, there you go. You can say Cheap Show is now tangentially related to the Hollywood system. But I did not, of course,

because I've streamed it on Disney, I didn't watch all the credits because it just flicks it right off. Oh, yeah. Straight away. And I didn't realise that he'd put a little tribute to me because I made the first film that he made. Yeah. A cannibal noir thing.

Yeah. Which I starred in. Yes, I remember that. Back in the early 2000s. It was like a grindhouse. Man with a Fork, it was called. And he put a thanks to me at the end of the credits

and also put some photos from the making of So yeah, he left a little kind of Easter egg for you in the credits. Yes, he put some photos which obviously I didn't see but he's let us all know. This is nice, isn't it? And look, I'll show you this picture. Look at this, the TV show's gone big time kind of-ish. This picture was at the end of the credits. Oh wow, there's you.

There's me and that's Ben there. Wow. And that's during the end of the credits oh wow there's you there's me and that's Ben there wow and that's during the making of the film my face is taped up because I'm a cannibal and I'm trying to yeah yeah yeah

stop myself from eating human flesh so there's a scene where I tape my face shut how old were you then like 20s yeah I was about 26 send us a picture

we'll put up on the website for people to see okay I'll send that to you well there you go there's Eli's Hollywood segment. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding, ding. Eli's Hollywood segment. Ding, ding, ding. I'm an actor. For hire, anyone? Anyone? So, look, time is fleeting. We've got to crack on.

Battery's powering down. This is kind of thrilling. Thrilling when you think about it. We're on the edge. It's This is kind of thrilling. Thrilling when you think about it. We're on the edge. It's like a kind of countdown disaster movie. We only got the battery power left to make the podcast.

We gotta do this and we gotta do that. Another thing that was great about that Korean film I saw the other day was the use of... I don't want to talk about bloody films with you.

How many fucking podcasts are there out there talking about fucking movies? Making movies, Marvel movies, history of movies, movies, movies, debating, angry movies, drunk critic movies. Paul?

This is not... This is an oasis of that. I take what you're saying. I take it on. Yeah. I take it on. Paul? Yeah. What should we do, then? What should we talk about? It's a simple question. What can we talk about? I'm feeling like... I know.

What? I'm just going to read this out as it's been said to me. So hang on. Bear with. Bear with, everybody. Bear with. Right. I've got an email

sent to our website on the website thecheapshot.co.uk Oh, no. This is Patreon. I beg your pardon. This is Patreon. But thecheapshot.co.uk

is your one-stop shop. It is. Your one-stop shop. And it's your one-stop shot asuk is your one-stop shop. It is. Your one-stop shop. And it's your one-stop shop as well. Your one-shop shop. For everything cheap shop. Your one-dush-dush-double-nug-shop-shop. No.

Again, we've got nothing this week. I forgot to bring stuff. This is us just doing what we can with the battery we've got. The battery life we've got nothing this week I forgot to bring stuff this is us just doing what we can with the battery we've got the battery life we've got left

the battery life we've got left how much battery life we've got left battery life we've got left all that battery life we've got left I'm going to sit

here and how much battery life we've got left I'm letting this happen because we've got nothing I'm sitting here oh right how much battery life we've got left it I'm letting this happen because we've got nothing. I'm saying, how much battery life have we got left? It's all right, David Bell,

let me still calm down. Patreon. All right, here we go. Someone sent to the Patreon. Scott Burns, a Patreon, said this, and I love this. Eli is wrong. First sentence already,

I love this email. Oh, fuck. The word is jalapeno. The letter N with the little thing on the top is not the letter N. Habanero has an N, not an N with a thing on top. So habanero. They are spelled how they sound. So it's

jalapeno and habanero. Yes, that was my confusion. I'm sorry. I'm prepared to be wrong, okay? I just wanted to say I want to apologise to you, okay, Paul? For being... You berate me a lot. And sometimes I think to myself, who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you to tell me what I'm wrong about?

Shut up. I just got... Sorry, what I was overcompensating, because I used to get attacked for saying habanero so much, and I somehow got it into my mind that it was the same for jalapeno. Okay? Yeah. So jalapeno, jalapeno, jalapeno, squidion.

Right, we're doing... I thought we'd have a bit of fun and just do some story cubes. Right. Because they are so much fun, aren't they, always? Right, what do you want to do then? What do you want to do, eh? Talk about films. I don't want to talk about films.

I have no interest. Do off camera. Get it off, Mike. Because that's... Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Halloween end. Ooh, I might have a tell from the dance floor.

Go on then. Someone asked for some reggaeton. I said no. But I said, get this, this is different. Go on. I went, no, but hang on. I'll see what I can do for you, I said. And then I put something slightly Latin-y on.

Yeah, and were they happy? Yes. Did they look at you while they were dancing and go... They grinned at me. Oh. And then I got so drunk that I missed myself on the bus and had to vomit on the street and walk 20 minutes in the middle of the night. Ting, ting, ting.

Ting, ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. Eli's a mess. Ting, ting, ting. Shut up! It's all right, mate. I might not have a job at the BBC anymore. Life is an interesting balance of ups and downs,

and all we can do is hang on tight to the ones we love. And, Eli, I love you. Okay, I love you too, Paul. Again, we have got nothing planned this week. Ooh, look at that skeleton's deformed groinal area. Yeah, what is that? It's like it tips. Oh, that's a bit nasty. You've got a bit of a kind of... Why has he got

lung plates coming up? His lungs are outside his ribs. No. Is that a nappy? It's back to front. The body's back to front. Still. Oh, that's his coccyx, isn't it? Yeah, and that's the shoulder blades. Oh, yeah, of course. We just failed biology 101. We failed biology 101.

Doctor, doctor, this man's got his lungs outside of his body and they're made of bone. No, turn it round. He's face down. Turn it fucking round. Turn it round. Turn it round. Congratulations, you're now head of medicine in the cabinet.

You're now the health secretary. Head of medicine in the cabinet. Yeah, I know. It's like if a five-year-old came up with jobs in Parliament, isn't it? Yeah, he is king of the government in the Parliament. When I grow up, I want to be king of government, and I want to tell everyone what to do.

Especially that mean boy Billy from Class C3. He showed me his winky. He showed me it anyway. I made the good doinky doinky. Don't justify it, Brian. You're the one who brought it up anyway. You brought it up. Well, I did bring it up, yes.

You did bring it up. I got my winky. You said that, didn't you? I said I got my winky out. I was talking about the big bully. And you went, then I got my winky. No, he got his winky out. The bully, didn't he?

Yeah, so this is you. This is on you. Can we do a story cube? Yeah, so we have these story cubes and we've done these before on the show and they've been quite fun. They always remind me because I think these came out of sex cubes,

didn't they? Which you always used to see in terrible shops. Yeah, but they were... Like, lick this. Oh, I've rolled the body part one. Bumhole. I've got bumhole. I've rolled the do what to it?

Fucking tongue punch it. Tongue punch my bumhole. I must have missed. I must have missed those dice. Because most of what I get is like stroke the hair. Kiss the chin. Not fucking tongue punch the bumhole.

Fuck me. Like the worst Sonic character. Sorry, I'm sorry I had to go there. I'm glad. We've still got battery. We've got battery life. Let's do story cubes. What's the format, though?

We're not just going to roll a story cube. Usually they're themed, right? So this one is themed to mystery. So all these cubes are spooky, scary, mystery, odd. They're horror themes, aren't they? Yeah, horror, thriller, mystery, weird themed. If they are cubes, why are they not called dice? Story dice.

So maybe Story Cubes are just better focus group tested. Yeah, or perhaps there was already a story dice that was patented. Dice Tales. Woo! And you get nine in this one. Usually you get a box of five, but there are nine in here. It's quite a nice presentation. I like the...

Little Adloids tin. What do you call them? Adanoids tin. Altenoids. Altenoids. Altoids. Those chalky sweets that you get in cars? Yeah.

We used to get in 80s minicab drivers' cars. Yeah. There's two different games you can use. So what we're going to do is we're going to talk about... Look, there's two games. Did you know that? Yes. What is the original game?

What is the conspiracy theory? What's that? I can't remember. I'll read it to you. All right. Conspiracy theory. This is a game that comes with instructions in the story cube tin. It gives you ideas of how to instructions in the story cube tin.

Taking turns. One player chooses a topic. Right, bumholes. It can be anything, full stop. Yeah, good, bumholes. In turn, the other players roll all nine story cubes and use as many as possible to construct a conspiracy theory around that topic.

The player awards a point to their favourite conspiracy. All right, then. Do you want to do that? Well, that is a sort of format, isn't it? It's a format. I was just going to roll the dice and then come up with a story. Yeah, see, that's the other game where they say use your imagination, which is just roll the dice.

Roll the dice and come up with a story. Do you want to do conspiracy, then? We'll roll the dice. Roll the dice. What do you want to do? Conspiracy then? We'll roll the dice. We'll call it conspiracy based on a topic. Yes. How about you find a random word generator and we'll pick a word that is a topic. Google, find me a random word generator.

Again, just want to emphasise dish, duffel dish. Dish, dish, duffel dish. I've got a sweaty gonad. I've got a sweaty gonad. I've got a sweaty gonad. Pop it in your gob. Pop it in your gob. Pop it in your gob. I've got a sweaty gonad.

Oh, I'm going off. Oh, I'm going off. Oh, I'm going off. And that's the end of Eli J. Silverman. Oh, broccoli. So we've got to J. Silverman. Ooh, broccoli. So we've got to come up with a conspiracy theory for broccoli. Yeah? Yeah, you go first.

So I'm going to roll the dice, have nine things up, and I've got to tie these nine things up. Use any of them and tie them as many. I'm going to do it now, though. So just to give you a very quick overview of what's on these, there's like a rat and a mysterious blemish, a film canister and a black candle. There's a person going,

no, no! Yeah, there's a cassette and there's a no entry sign and a ghost. There's a zombie hand rising from the grave. Yeah, and there's a, I think that's, what is that? Is that a gavel? Well, that's a little doll, like a mannequin. A gavel. No. Yeah, something like that. It looks like a gavel, like it's being hit down. Oh, that is a gavel, yes. And then a man

peeking with binoculars. Ooh, a love heart. Yeah. Ooh, and it's someone tongue-punching an arsehole, Paul. That's my favourite. I hope that comes up. Right, give me the cubes. Ooh, what's that? That's a fingerprint. Yeah. These are a bit crimey. Ooh, an evil clown. Yeah. Ooh, that's the fucking creature from the Black Lagoon. Quite calm down, Grandad. Fuck me. So I'm going to roll them. I'm going to

read them out what they are, and then I'll start my story. Alright? Alright. Ooh, that was good. Fuck me. So I'm going to roll them. I'm going to read them out what they are, and then I'll start my story. All right? All right. What do you think is going to happen? Right, that one. So I've got a spider. I've got a notepad.

I've got a stain. I've got a man saying, no, no, no, no. A rat. Fingerprint. Clown. A lighthouse? What do you think that is? I think it's a lighthouse.

No. Mobile phone, that one. Oh, it's a lighthouse. So I've got to tie all these together into a conspiracy. All right. Cue the music! Cue the music! Right, it's time for me to talk about the conspiracy.

So let's do a little scene. So you come into the police station, and I'm a high-commissioned officer, right? Yeah, you're like a chief detective. You've made this appointment to tell me about something that's going on. And I'm twitching, sitting there. made this appointment to tell me about something that's going on. And I'm twitching, sitting there. Hello, sir. Yes, you wanted to see me.

You said it was a matter of some importance. Yes, I've got big news. Very big news. You've got big news for this. I've got terrible news. Perhaps you should go to the newspaper. Why have you asked me? The high chief king of the police commissioner. Yes, that five-year-old who's writing the script certainly knows his ladies.

I am king of the police round here, so what is it? I've been chased across the land. I've had people coming up to me trying to suppress my voice

and I've been saying, no, no, no, no. That's that cube out the way. Every time you hear it go in the tin, the cube is in the bin. Every time you hear it tickle, a cube is yeah go on

is in my winkle and popped it in me winky hold on so talking about Bob was tip off so tip off so I was

yes go on sir I've made I've taken look all you need to know is that in case anything happens to me I've written all this theory down I've put it in this envelope.

You'll find them on my notes. My notes that I've written up for this. You said this had something to do with vegetables, sir. Yes. Because I am also a grocer as a hobby. I'm a king of the police around here, but I'm also a grocer. So I am a scientist working in bio foods, where we create genetic hybrid food to, you know, make more food when there are droughts and things.

I understand that, sir. However, one of our scientists went rogue and I found his work and I noticed a strange splodge on our broccoli, like riddled through it like a birthmark. He found his notes and then there was a splodge. This isn't connecting very well. It's all there in the notebook that I just gave you that I put in the tin. It's all there. Stick the splodge in the tin then and then put the cube in.

So I... Shut up. The tin's waiting, you splodge! Come on, chuck your mucky splodge in my tin. So I noticed that our broccoli that we were developing had strange splotches all over them. I was ensured

that they were just a side effect of the delivery process of the bionoids into the squidian DNA code. Extra points for use of squidian. And they would not be harmless. So I then realised when I evaluated the splodge

that there was actually black widow venom being used to bolster the broccoli for some reason. Right. So let me get this right where I am with this so far, sir. Yeah. Because I'm recording this conversation

as is normal police procedure. I know. You found... You're very twitchy as well as being a talk scientist. It's funny how you kept your job after all these years. No, I've been on the run for a year. I've found you've come forward. Oh, I see. Because I've noticed that there have been a number of deaths

based on broccoli around the country. There have, have there? Yeah. All right, let me get this straight. Yeah. You spied on your colleague's work. Professor Brom Brom Homiston. Brom Brom Homiston. Yeah. Yes.

He's a mad scientist. Take that down, Johnson, will you? Brom Brom Homiston. Brom Brom Homiston. And this Brom Brom Homiston, he had some broccoli lying about his desk to the eel he was in charge of our broccoli division of our bio veg

and you saw some splotches on the broccoli which I was assured that would be harmless and on further investigation of the splotches it turned out it was black widow venom because they found out that black widow spiders have a certain enzyme thank you

that keeps things fresh. So he was simply trying to extend the shelf life of the broccoli. So you wouldn't throw them out, they'd last longer in your fridge. But then surely the venom would cause illness or even death. That's what we were assured wouldn't be happening

but then I started seeing a pattern of deaths around Sunday lunches where people would die after eating their broccoli vegetarians vegans dying eating broccoli i was tracing it down i even found a fingerprint on a broccoli that's it that is terrible and that fingerprint belonged to bron bron homerston bron bron homerston was there as well no he had his fingers you know it was his work anyway. Why are you looking for his fingerprints?

Well, this just ties it and proves it. I can trace it back to him. How do you have a copy of his fingerprints? They're on record when you work for our company. Oh, good. So if you steal anything and we find them outside the lab, we can trace your fingerprints. Is this something all of your employees agree to?

I had to give up my fingerprints. But you had access to the fingerprint file i did and you checked you double checked the fingerprint that you found on the poisoned broccoli against bram bram homerston's fingerprints and so i now can trace it back to him he's been meddling with this broccoli that i've been finding at murder scenes around the world and i've been working under the police radar using my uh bio veg history science techniques to really get in there and um and so i also found out i was doing some tests and i gave some broccoli to some of my lab rats to test them and i would give them a normal broccoli and they would have windy pops and i would give them one of brom brom's broccolis and they would die almost within

half an hour the brom Brom Brom broccoli was deadly, was it? Yes. Now he's got on the run. The last I heard he had joined the circus and was disguising himself as a clown.

Brom Brom the Clown he was called. Brom Brom the Clown. Well, Brom Brom must be Brassic by now so he'd have to be a clown. No, he's living under the radar. But I do,

I did find his mobile phone. Where did you find? You keep just finding things. I tracked him down to his circus. This is the worst story I do, I did find his mobile phone Where did you find? You keep just finding things I tracked him down to a circus This is the worst story I've ever heard in my life Homestun Circus He set up I think he should have changed the name of it It would have been harder for me to find him

I snuck into his caravan And he had a mobile phone And on it was a checklist of Spiders and broccoli and science equipment and I can prove this. Now I have his phone. This conspiracy goes all

the way to the top. It goes past him past the head of veg science up past the agriculture. King of veg. King of agriculture. Then the king then holy god himself who has a lighthouse where he lives and he sends out

his evil messages to his clan, his workers and Brom Brom is one of them and the lighthouse is where I believe their base is where they operate from completely shoehorning it in in a completely unimaginative way get out!

Anyway, I just want to come to the police because I think we could storm this lighthouse on the coast. As king of the police in this area, I will keep that under consideration. We'll do our own preliminary investigation, okay? Yeah. Now, while I've got you here and you work in... Veg science. Veg science. Bio-veg science.

I have an idea for a royal sandwich filling in line with coronation chicken because King Charles is going to be coronated. How do you think?

What do you think about lumpy banana umami jam load? Lumpy umami... Cold umami rice pudding with curry bits. For the king.

What's he... What's he known for? He likes his plants, doesn't he? He was the Prince of Wales, wasn't he? He needs to have a plant- his plants, doesn't he? He was the Prince of Wales, wasn't he? He needs to have a plant-based meal, doesn't he, when you think about it? Anyway, that's my conspiracy. I trust you'll take

it to the highest policeman in the land. Right. I've got it all written down here, sir. And I'm going to... Your face is familiar. Why? You're Brom Brom It's me, Brom Brom, almost. I've confessed all. He's a master of disguise.

He's acid broccoli. And that's the end of that tale. Right, it's my go. Wait, no. What do you rate it? Rate it out of... Do you really want me to rate that, Paul? Yeah, be honest.

Because it kind of... The best thing about it was Brom Brom Homerson's name. I think you kind of latched onto that after a while as well. Brom Brom Homerson's name. I think you kind of latched onto that after a while as well. Brom Brom Homerson. Yeah, I know. In almost every other aspect of it as a story was extremely poor. Well, I enjoyed telling it. You shoehorned in the cube elements, but in a really awful way.

The lighthouse one was the weakest, but I thought I made some of them work. Let's see. Right, no. So out of 10, I want to tell you... I have to give you a score out of 10. I was going to take a picture of those before I put them back as well for the website. Oh, okay.

Fine. So out of 10, be honest. Which two are missing? I don't know. Clown. Clown and whatever that one is, is what's left. If you were paying attention to the story, you'd know. No, so we've got rat, venon, splodge.

You don't need to worry about them, because they're all right. They're all right way up anyway. I know, but I'm trying to think what's missing. It's not, because this is a bloody... They're all different, so just turn it around until you get to the one you recognise. Oh, there it is. The man saying, no, no, go away. That was me at the story.

Right, out of ten, tell me. Be honest. It's a six at best. I'll take a six. I was expecting much worse, and I deserve much worse. Well, come on, we've got to support each other here. Yeah, that's true. All right, that was my story time.

Let's see what Eli does next. And now it's time for Eli's conspiracy on broccoli. No, it's not about broccoli. It is. We have to do the same topic. No, we don't. All right, I will let you choose to change the topic. Why can't we generate another topic?

No, you can if you want. I just thought we'd agreed, or you'd inferred, that we'd both be doing about broccoli. That's all. Mole. Mole. All right, you've got to come up with a conspiracy about moles, right?

Yeah. Here's your dice. Oh, give them a shinkle shinkle. Remember. I forgot it. When a nice dice in the tin, it's a cube in the bin. What did I say?

When a cube hits the bin, the cube hits the tin, it's gone in the bin. Yeah, that'll do. When a cube makes a tinkle, I've shoved it in my winkle. Cockles and winkles all in my meat hole. When a cube hits a tin,

I'm ready for sin. Christ, just roll the dice. When a cube... I'm liking this. When a cube hits the tinkle... Yes, you said the tinkle... Yes, you said the Winkle one. Just fucking roll the dice. That tinkle.

Now, but you have to set up the fucking situation like I did, that being King of the Loose. Roll the dice first. Because it might not be that we need to have that scenario again. Well, it's about conspiracy, isn't it? So you have to have a situation. I could be a private investigator. Well, okay. Well, is that it?

Then you've got to set that up. Sorry. I'll do that then. Okay. I'll roll them. Right, go on. investigator. Well, okay. Well, is that it? Then you've got to set that up. Sorry. I'll do that then. Okay. I'll roll them. Right, go on. Mole. Yes.

Right. Let's see what Eli's got here. You've got what? You've got a body on the ground chalk mark thing. Chalk outline. Yeah. You've got a man looking into a secret doorway or passage, like he's listening in or he's...

It sounds like he's eavesdropping. Yeah. I'll take any variation on that. a secret doorway or passage like he's listening in or he's It sounds like he's eavesdropping. I'll take any variation on that. This is a safe. A combination safe with a lock. The next fourth dice is a hand coming out of the ground. Next cube is a chess piece. I don't know what chess piece that is.

Maybe it's a queen. I think it looks like the queen, doesn't it? Or a rook. A clown's face. He's come up again. Do you want to do another one since we've done clown face? Do you want to roll that again? I'll allow it. It's a broken telly. Is it broken? A broken TV.

Oh, it looks like an oscilloscope. Yeah, it doesn't have to be broken. It's just a telly. It's just a telly. This is a cassette tape, a C90. Oh. Yeah. Which is funny that they put it in a kid's thing.

Kids would never have seen a cassette tape in their lives. Yeah, but they know it's sort of espionage. That's not a cassette. What is it then? That's a drain. Oh, who kids would never have seen a cassette tape in their lives. Yeah, but they know it's sort of espionage. That's not a cassette. What is it, then? That's a drain. Oh, you're right. It is a drain. It's a drain. All right, all right.

It's a grating. Kids know drains. Yeah. Swamp Monster. And the last one, the last cube is, I think it's an imaginary friend, but I'll interpret it any way you want to go. It's a person with an invisible person standing next to them.

Oh. Oh. So I'll let you interpret that as you feel. Are you ready? Yes, but you need to set up the situation. Now it's time for Eli's Conspiracy on Moles. And picture the scene. It's 1930s

New York. No, it's a crumbly old office and I, Paul Gannon, private investigator, the king of investigators, is waiting for his next case to walk in through the door. Why, come in to Gannon Investigates. Oh, come here, little doggy. I see you brought a dog with you, sir.

Yeah, and I'm also knackered. Okay. Dog's called Fido. Hello, Fido. Oh, hello. He shits himself all over the place. Do you like peanut butter, Fido? He does, yeah.

He does. Yeah, put some down here. I am here. Zip. Excuse me, are you... I'm just going to put some crunchy nut butter on my cock head. I'm gone. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Why don't you tell me your conspiracy story while I get noshed off by a dog? I'm sorry, how did you know it's a conspiracy story? I've just walked into your office for the first time with my dog. And oh, what a surprise! Dog came up! Then fucking...

Giving the dog anal came up. I didn't give the dog anal. Alright, whatever. Oral. Orally satisfying yourself in a dog's mouth hole. It came up, didn't it again, Paul? It came up again. We were having such a nice time.

All I was doing was panting. I was playing a character, panting. And you hear any kind of panting noise, you go straight to dog. Straight to dog licking shit off your knob. I'm sorry, it's not normal. Okay, I'm coming in again. I, Paul Gannon...

I'm coming in again. Wait, I, Paul Gannon, retire any and all dog sex gags from this point forward. Please. I can't promise one or two won't slip by, but... They always fucking do. I pull Ganon retire any and all dog sex gags from this point forward please I can't promise one or two won't slip by but they always fucking do

oh I've slipped into this dog I stumbled and slipped into the dog officer oh I was minding my own business and next minute

I know I had a corgi on my dick oh I was carrying this tray of jam somehow I tripped the jam goes in the air falls on my knob and I fall straight into the dog because it's great lube I was carrying this tray of jam. Somehow, I tripped. The jam goes in the air, falls on my knob,

and I fall straight into the dog. Because it's great lube. I was performing as a comedy clown at a children's birthday party when I found myself putting the whole length of my shaft into a little chihuahua's mouth. Oh, God, I started you off again. Right. That's it, as of now.

I'm coming in again. There is no dog. There is no dog. I said to the dog. I'm leaving the dog outside, okay? Oh, well, he's smiling. as of now. I'm coming in again. There is no dog. There is no dog. I said to the dog. I'm leaving the dog outside, okay? Oh, well, he's smiling. Look at him. Look, stop flirting with my imaginary dog.

What type of dog is it? I know he likes peanut butter. He's like a black and white shepherd dog. I like this. Oh, that's nice, yeah. Like Shep from Blue Peter. Yes. Yeah.

Brown Peter. Let's start this Yeah. Brown Peter. More like. Shut up. Let's start this again. Fucking hell. Ah, I believe my three o'clock appointment at Gannon Investigators is coming in any minute. Come in! Hello, hello.

Oh, you didn't bring your dog with you this time? No, I didn't bring the dog. Like you said, I shouldn't bring the dog. Yeah, don't bring pets. Because you have a problem with that. I do. I'm not legally allowed to be within 30 inches of a dog. I'm Ziggory Mensah.

Ziggory Mensah? Yes. Are you Paul Gannon, private investigator? I am. I am the very best. And I see you've come, you've got, you look troubled. How can I help? Well, I think I should start at the beginning.

Yes, that usually helps when you tell a story. What is your issue? Well, the thing is... Yeah? The moles are out to get me. The moles, you say? And I don't mean... That was me clicking my pen and my taking notes.

Please do take this down. I'm Ziggory Mensah. Ziggory Mensah. I woke up exactly take this down. I'm Ziggy Mensah. Ziggy Mensah. I woke up exactly a year ago. I woke up. Wow. And it was a normal day. I went out into the street and someone had been murdered on my street.

Oh, no. I knew someone had been murdered because the chalk outline was still there. In the street? In the middle of the street? Right outside my front door. I need more information. It was right outside my front door. I need more information. It was right outside my front door. Oh.

Do you think it was left as a message? Well, there was no body, just the chalk outline. And then I saw little tufty bits all around the chalk. And I looked very closely at the chalk. And it was made of small, wide hairs. It wasn't chalk at all. And there was all tufty bits. Anyway, I thought nothing of it.

You thought nothing of a body outlying on the doorstep? There was no body. I know. They'd taken the body away. I thought nothing of it at the time. This was a year ago. I thought nothing of it at the time. You thought nothing of the fact that there might have been a dead body outside your house.

And yet you weren't aware of any police presence to draw that body mark on the ground. Well, I checked the local news. Yeah. Because there's a... And the police wouldn't have knocked on your door and said, hello sir, we found a body outside your house. They didn't. They didn't. I thought that was quite strange. It is quite strange. Was it a cover-up?

Well, that's what I'm getting to. Anyway, later that same day, I'm like, who's this body? Where's the tufty outline of this body? What's going on with all of this? And I turn my television on and watch the local news. A tinkle-winkle. And there was a

programme, a news programme presented by a newscaster I don't care much for. Hartley Bananany. I don't care much for Hartley Bananany either. No, Hartley Bananany is terrible. Terrible delivery. But Hartley was saying that the murder had been unexplained.

And it was a local boy. And he had been delivering some kind of food product. And it had been gnawed by very small teeth. Oh, my God. But right into the heart hole. They gnawed into him. They gnawed all of his major organs out. Oh, it's terrible.

And so they're not going to leave a body like that lying around. They just put a chalk outline around, made of small, tiny white hairs for some reason. Well, that was just left behind by the moles, I'd imagine. What moles? What have you heard? Shh. I know too much. I'll let him see what he knows.

Why did you say mole just then? Because I thought you said mould. There was mould on the wall. There is mould on the wall. Yes, mould. It's a very bad office. I'm terribly poor. I can't pay for this, by the way. I'm secretly mentor.

Why don't you bring your dog round? I could bring the dogs outside. I'll pay for it with dog sex, shall I? Oh my god. Right. Anyway. So, I think, so, I think,

oh, that's an unexplained murder. Didn't think anything more of it. I went back to my... You've not thought a lot of anything so far in this story. I didn't think anything of it, you know? And then I just kept on

living there, working, going to work, and the next day at work, though, well, not the next day, probably a week or two,

maybe a week, a week and a half, maybe later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I hadn't thought about it at all, the murder and everything like that. No. And my boss came over to me. Yeah. And he said

Where do you work? Oh, it's just a little patent office in Hounslow. Hounslow Patent Office. Yes, it's called that, actually. Yeah. We're called Hounslow Patents. Just writing, taking a note of that. Take a note of that. Scribbly, scribbly, well. So my boss.

Yeah. Who's called Harry Ramsden. Like the fish and chip shop guy. Easy to remember, isn't it? Yes, yes. Harry Ramsden. Harry Ramsden. Unrelated to the chip shop man. Thing is, he comes over to me, yes?

And I hadn't thought anything about the murder for a week. Hello, Harry. Oh, Mr. Ramsden. Oh, sorry. Yes, because he is the boss. He's king of patents. He's king of patents. He's king of patents. He's king of patents in Hounslow.

He's known as the Hounslow Patent King. He's a swagger man. He's got a lot of swagger. Oh, he's got a lot of suavity. Suave la vive. He goes right on the sausage. Anyway, it comes over to me. Do you know what he looks like?

What? He looks like the bloody creature from the Black Lagoon. Does he? God, that's fucking awful. That's a shoehorn item. He always did look like that. Does he not like being referred to as that, though? Wouldn't that seem rather gross?

Well, that's just what he looks like. I'm just trying to fill in the picture. Right. And he said, have you heard about these murders, Ziggory? Does anybody know what? Ziggory. And I said, what murders? There was that one on my street last week. Yeah. And he goes, murders, Ziggory? There's only been one. Ziggory. And I said, what murders? There was that one on my street last week.

Yeah. He goes, no, Ziggory. No, there's been a whole series of gnawing deaths. Deaths by gnawing, you see, is what he said. Yeah. And he said, oh, oh, I've got this terrible scale infection. He actually has scales on his face. He looks like the creature from the Black Lagoon.

Oh, have you got my ointments, he says. I've checked out because I can feel him going off the rails. Have you got my ointments, he says. Because I keep the ointment, his ointment. Why do you keep ointment for your scaly monster boss? Because I've got the biggest desk. I've got the biggest desk. Fair enough.

It's packed full of ointment. It was. I don't work there anymore. Of course. After the events. Well, tell me about the events. Oh, yes. So far, I'm not seeing the story here.

He says, well, because of all the murders, you're sacked, Cigarette. You have to leave right now after you've passed me the ointment. That doesn't seem fair. And he said, and he checked my pockets and my underwear for ointment theft. Because I sometimes do pack a couple of packs right up there. You sneak them out, don't you? Paltis. Sometimes to pack a couple of packs right up there. Yeah, you sneak them out, don't you? Poultice. Mate, you've got six more fucking cubes to get through.

Anyway, so I got sacked. And I'm very, very bored of this story already. Yeah, I got sacked. No, fucking shut up. I got sacked. And then, oh. Wait, there. Was the safe, the ointment in the safe?

No, it was in my drawer. No, and then he sacked me. Yeah. And I thought, oh. Wait, there. Was the safe, the ointment in the safe? No. It was in my drawer. No, and then he sacked me. Yeah. And I thought, oh, that's unusual. Yeah. He wouldn't give me a proper reason. No. He just said, it's all this death.

It's all these gnawing deaths. These very gnawing little deaths. I keep thinking you're responsible. And then I got home. And I thought, what the bloody hell is going on here? Yeah. What on earth is going on? Someone gets killed outside my house.

Next week, my job of several years In the Hounslow patron office Suddenly that old bastard lizard face Ramsden Comes and fucking Ointment face we used to call him We used to call him suppurating ointment head I have got a 3.30 appointment

Okay, I'm sorry, I'll get on with it Please do something, Eli Outside the podcast You've got six more fucking years I'll get through them I'm Z, I'll get on with it. Please do something, Eli. Outside the podcast. You've got six more fucking views. I'll get through them. I'm Zegery Mensah. But it turns out I didn't know what was going on about it. I hadn't thought much about it.

Yeah. And I didn't know. But it turns out there was people in my area playing 3D chess. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle Tinkle And so I decided I'd find out a bit more About why I'd been sacked

It was a very secure job I did a very good job I did a very good job of filing the patents And guarding the ointment stores Do you think you found a patent you shouldn't have? Anyway, I went back to the office The next week And I went in I crept in, I did have to the office the next week you went back to the office yeah and I went in

I crept in I did have a copy of the keys yes of course I used to do that you used to sneak into your appointment well I used to

I just pilfered a little bit of face on it just a bit of face cream a little bit of a little bit of green scaly face on it

that's all I like it in my tea come on listeners I like it in my tea this is no hum hum whatever it is homaton or whatever it was you can't even. I like it in my tea. Come on, listeners. I like it in my tea. This is no hum hum, whatever it is, homatom or whatever it was. You can't even remember.

I like it in my tea. Anyway. I can't remember because it's been fucking eight days since you started this fucking story. Using these duplicate keys, I, Ziggy Remenser, returned to the Hounsland Payson office

and walked up to Harry Ramsden's office. There was a bit of a kerfuffle going on there. You could hear it. Oh, really? Yes. Loud voices. What time did you go? Like,. Oh, really? Yes. Well, loud voices. What time did you go? Like, middle of the night?

No, it was just daytime. Oh. Well, probably wasn't a good time to go then, was it? They were having a meeting. Why did you go? I was trying to find out why I'd been sacked all of a sudden. Go on. And they were eavesdropped.

At the door of the meeting. And he said, he was saying, we have to... Go on. We have to bury all of these bodies. We have to bury them. And then they'll come out. Of the ground. They'll come out of the ground. And even some of them might go into the

drains in the sewage system. And I thought what the bloody hell. Sewage, the drains. Now he's just tossing these cubes off, isn't he really? And I thought what the bloody hell's going on with that? Anyway. There you go. The sign of a good

storyteller when you use the word anyway or however. I thought oh and I just basically I drew the lines

and I put the pieces together and you know and I thought oh and I had a little bit of a revelation there in that corridor

listening and I thought fucking hell. How was he going to tie this all together? Fucking hell's degree. In two cubes. Here we go. That lizard-faced Harry Ramsden man has been breeding moles. Right.

Breeding them. Yeah. And they're killer moles. Have you got any evidence of this? Well, yes. It's quite the accusation, because Harry Ramsden is the preeminent patent office manager king of this region. And I will not be besmirching his name on a mere rumour.

He is patent office royalty. Yes, he is. Now, I'll tell you how I got the proof. I came back to the patent office the next week and using my specially made keys, broke into Harry Ramson's safe. He did. Do you know what I found in there? What did you find in Harry Ramsden's safe?

A cloning machine. It's a cloning machine. And I looked at it. It had quite a nice interface on the cloning machine. Yeah. Quite a nice readout. Yeah, like those L plates on Star Trek TNG. Yeah, it was exactly like that.

Yeah. Because I watched that on my television. Yeah, beep, bop, beep. Television. There's another cube. I've gone back. Did you do a call back to a cube? You fucking didn't, did you?

Yeah. I've called back to mine in my fucking cubes, cunt. Well, okay. How about that? And then he's cloning moles. For what purpose? Now, what will you do? For killing?

Why? Who's he asking? For patenting? Who's he trying to kill? For doing patent and ointment guarding? So what you're saying is that he is... He doesn't want to pay workers. Let me get this straight.

From what I can fathom based on your notes, you think your boss, the head of the... He's not my boss anymore. He's my sworn enemy. Harry Ramsden. Lizard Face Ramsden. Here's what I'm presuming. Assuming, based on your story,

your ex-boss has been cloning moulds to kill off people who invent patterns so he can claim them for himself. Exactly. And I had to do all that fucking legwork to make your shit story work. But that's the overall... So you think anyone who comes up with a great pattern, he kills off with Mole Men? He does.

And also, his whole office is just Mole Men, including the cafeteria workers. But they do do a very nice spaghetti bolognese on a Wednesday. And I creep in and I eat their dirty, filthy mole food! But I like that one, you know? I like that one because it's nice and saucy. It's quite a dry sauce. It's a dry Bolognese sauce. And ziggury, Mensa, likes that.

Well, what I would like to say to you... Shall I get the dog? Shall I go and get the dog? It's Paul Gannon investigating. You want the dog now? I just have something to say before I take on this case, in that now that I have all this evidence, and now I have all this story,

and detail, it's now time to reveal, that I too am a mole. Oh my God, it's Harry Ramsden. I'm going to eat your cock off. I'm not Harry Ramsden. Oh, you're a mole.

You're one of his moles. I'm one of his mole clones. That was the big twist. You're going to eat my cock off. Yeah. Okay. Because you... Why do you have to eat the cock? Because it's a nice place to start.

It's a nice place to start, but you have to get food to the major organs. Where would you start if you're going to eat a body? I'm a vegetarian, apart from the bolognese. Yeah, but if you had to eat a body to survive? I would eat the hair. You wouldn't get much nutrition out of a hair. Eat the cock, live for a few more days.

It's funny, it's like it's one of your tropes. Because it does say Paul Garland, private investigator, and jokes about fucking dogs and eating penises. Well, that's my side hustle. Fuck you. And I get a lot of business out of that.

If I had to get more business out of that... How many times I'll rip your dick off, you say, or I'll eat your knob. I don't know why I'm doing ziggery.

Anyway, you've been no help. It's a conspiracy. I'm bringing this to Harry Branston. All right, in that case, I'll take the dick off your dog and I'll fuck you.

How about that? You'll take the dick off my dog and fuck me with it? Yes. All right, you that case, I'll take the dick off your dog and I'll fuck you. How about that? You'll take the dick off my dog and fuck me with it? Yes. All right, you've got a deal. And that's how you close a deal, ladies and gentlemen. That's how you close a deal. That story is awful. That story was rambling, pointless,

and it took me at the end to tie it all together and make it anywhere near cohesive. That's what I did with yours as well.

Yeah, but I at least had a little through line. You're a meanie. I'm going to be generous and give that a five. There was less

shoehorning. No, there was lots of shoehorning. There was much less shoehorning. Right. Let's let the fucking people be,

let them be the judge. I gave you six because I was generous and you fucking undercut me. Shoehorns, 3D chess, shoehorn the grid. Shoehorn the hands coming out the ground. I didn't shoehorn any of it.

You just picked it up and went, I don't know. I didn't shoehorn any of it. So you're getting a five for that. Fuck you. I've won this week. I got seven. You didn't win shit. I won this week.

You won the dog sex joke. Now, where's that dog? You promised me a dog. I didn't promise. I promised't win this week we won the dog sex joke now here's where's that dog you promised me a dog I didn't promise I promised a character in the story a dog well you my character in real life wants a dog

I haven't got a dog Paul what's the point of you exactly what's the point of this friendship if you don't have a dog you're fucking weird about dogs I am I know it's weird

but it's like it's like digging yourself deeper into a hole I know you just come up with it I don't really think dog fucking is funny but at the same time it's weird. It's like digging yourself deeper into a hole. I know, you just come up with it, don't you? I don't really think dog fucking is funny. But at the same time, it's got some legs to it, hasn't it? No, dogs do have full legs.

Full furry little legs. You fucking grab them all the fucking time. Move them around the room like a wheelbarrow. Oh, please, I really didn't. Like doing a wheelbarrow race, a sexy dog wheelbarrow race. And that's Cheap Show. Ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, ting, ting.

Ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, story cubes. Ting, ting. Fuck this. Right, that's Cheap Show done, and the battery's almost about to die. So we're just going to tell you a lovely bit of news that we hope gets you frothy and excited. People are asking, when are you going to do another live show?

And next year, February 2023, on the 25th of February, 6pm, at the Leicester Comedy Festival. Ooh. Seats are limited, and if you were a patron you got early access. We've sold a bunch of seats already. Half already as of today. It's a much smaller venue than the Harrow Arts Centre.

80 to 100 people. It's not going to be anywhere near as elaborate as episode 300 but it'll probably be more like episode 100 when we did that live. Will there be maybe some taste testing and maybe a live price of shite? Something a bit more basic there'll be all we have some lovely guests i think we've got tom mayhew confirmed suze kempner will be there if she's there for a start and if she's available does she not know whether she's doing a show herself i think she's made you know because

there might be other guest spots and things that clash and overlap so i'm not gonna uh whatever but if she's if she's free she said she'll join in uh biffo even might be there we don't know it's still all up in the air we haven't got a plan yet uh so anyway long story short if you want any information go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk there are links there to everything our patreon the merch page events magazines all that cool groovy stuff but also a link to the leicester comedy festival tickets sat Saturday, 25th of February, at the Firebug venue, I believe it is. Get your tickets while they can. It's nice and cheap. I think the

tickets are only five quid. Come along and join us. And that will do. Thecheapshow.co.uk for everything. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, we're most active. At the Cheap Show pod, I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is... Eli Snoyd, spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

I did a bit of a Halloween special for the House of Pickles sound show, my music radio show. Oh, yeah. So look for the latest show on the Soho Radio website. Fancy a bit more of some scary stuff there. I was catastrophically hungover.

Good stuff. As per usual then. Well... When are you... You're always drunk. You're drunk for this. I'm not drunk. You're hungover for this. I'm not hungover. Today I'm not hungover. For a change. Only are you you're always drunk. You're drunk for this. I'm not drunk. You're hungover

for this. I'm not hungover. Today I'm not hungover. For a change. Only because you didn't work last night right? Did you? No. Well there you go that's why you're alright. I'm always alright when we do pubs. No because I walk up to your house and the first thing I see is you and your grundies and your little tumbly out going how

come in. And then it takes about eight hours for you to get ready to record oh here comes the invective i'm not i'm not gonna get into it but you know what if i have to see you you were mean about the story cubes i gate listen cheapskates get back to us i think i was fucking i was fucking done there mine was the better story yours will win the vote because everyone likes you more that's what happens fucking hell fuck this That's what happens. Fuck this podcast. I'm going. I'm going.

He's walking off his own podcast. He's put the things down. Oh, stampy, stampy. Someone's at the door. Woof, woof. I'll be there in a minute, darling. Okay, mate. Get the car going.

Sausages. Fucking dogs again. Oh, well. sausages it's fucking dogs again oh well