CheapShow - Ep 307: Grim Dilemmas

Starting point is 00:00:00 He's the dirty Eli man He sits on the couch and cries his life away He doesn't know what to do or say He's lonely Come suck on his dick, it won't take long It's just not that big, it's quite not that long He's got a tiny winky And he wants you to smell

Starting point is 00:00:22 His cheesy whiskey tip Diddly dip My winky don't smell you to smell his cheesy whiskey tip. Diddly dip. My winky don't smell of cheese, but I am very sad. I've come down round to this place and I have got a dad. That's something still when I go home I'm going to... Hello, I'm Eli Shit for Mouth. We're both having a day. Hello, everyone.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Are we talking to people now? Yes. Hello, everyone. Hello we talking to people now? Yes. Hello, everyone. Hello, I'm Eli Poopoo Mouth. That's what you said before. I did say that, but I was just doing a sound test and it's unfair, as usual.

Starting point is 00:00:54 It's cruel and unfair of you to use that. That's what you were like. Yeah, I'm looking for an idea. I'm like reaching around for an idea. What can we do to start with the cold open? And then I do something self-deprecating it's like yeah

Starting point is 00:01:06 jump in there fuck that wound shit in that wound sew the wound up with a rusty needle smudge it all and make sure the poo really goes in the wound

Starting point is 00:01:15 and then sit on it like a goblin have you ever seen that film? warming a goblin goblin bum bum like a fucking monkey have you ever seen Dave Cronenberg's Crash?

Starting point is 00:01:25 That's one of the ones I haven't seen. That film is how I treat your wounds. I fucking... Mate, that is my job here. No, brilliant, Paul, brilliant. I'm not having a great start of the week, everyone. I woke up and chipped my tooth. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:37 Where it had already been chipped from a very long standing injury where I was playing Orestes, King of Agamemnon, on a drama tour. He would have been a good cop. He would have been a good cop, wouldn't he? Why would he be a good cop? He would have rounded up some bad guys and went, Orestes.

Starting point is 00:01:53 Orestes. I'm liking that. The play's the Oresteia. What? That was like Bruce Forsythe. Oresteia, Oresteia. Oreslauer. Oreslauer. Right. Go on. Aristaya, Aristaya. Orislawa. Orislawa.

Starting point is 00:02:06 Right. Go on, give us another Greek thing. I'll do it. No. I want to tell them a story about when I chipped my tooth. Eat a puss? No, eat a cat. I'd like to eat a puss.

Starting point is 00:02:16 It's not going to happen, is it? Not with this tooth. Whistling. This tooth would literally get, the fucking clit would get any length. I don't know. Oh, not having whistling Eli chip my clit. Fuck that. Anyway, welcome to Chief Show.

Starting point is 00:02:32 I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon.

Starting point is 00:03:15 Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. We descend quite quickly. We really did descend quickly. No, I broke it running off stage at the end of the second act. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Continue your story.

Starting point is 00:03:32 Running off stage at the end of the second act, we were touring the play. Yes. Which we'd done at the boarding school theatre. But this was like the first day we just arrived in a new space and the space was, the auditorium was underneath a staircase in a modern German school. Oh, weird.

Starting point is 00:03:48 If you see what I mean, it was sort of like a foyer area with a stage with a staircase going up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can imagine that. So there's a slant coming outwards to your stage space. Basically. So the further back the stage you get, the more narrow it is. And that was where the exit was.

Starting point is 00:04:01 And I rush off to kill my mother. It's a very dramatic thing. In real life or in the play? No, it's my mother in the play. Quite good. Who is called... Mother? Electra, I think it is.

Starting point is 00:04:10 Oh, really? And anyway, so I'm used to there being space for me to run off. And obviously... There was no space there. There was the bottom slant of a concrete staircase. It was very brutalist, actually, come to think of it. So, you know... That and the injury.

Starting point is 00:04:23 It just goes to prove that I love brutalism, even though it's done me wrong even though it smashed your face smashed my face and again now i've had like at least three different repairs of this tooth and now over the years and now it's popped off again and it really like we were saying paul having issues with your tooth obviously it affects your vanity because it makes me look like a scraggled tooth a terrible scraggled tooth what was that guy called? Jiminy Fox What was he called? Oh here we fucking go

Starting point is 00:04:48 There's no such thing as Jiminy Fox, Eli No but what was he called? Snaggletooth Yeah but there was another guy Willock What was he called? He had From what?

Starting point is 00:04:56 What's the origin first of all? Is it a cartoon series? A book? A nursery rhyme? What are we talking about? It was like a 70s children's TV character Right Like uh

Starting point is 00:05:03 Words or Gummidge. A bit like that. Cat Weasel. That's the one! Fuck me, Jesus. That's the one. I didn't think we were going to get there. Well done.

Starting point is 00:05:11 Cat Weasel. Didn't he have fucked up teeth? Maybe. I don't remember too much about Cat Weasel other than its name in pop culture in this country. He had a beard and sort of, yeah. I mean, I feel like a Grundy anyway. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:20 So it affects your vanity because you think, oh, fuck. And also, it makes you think, oh, the body, the body just degenerates. It withers and crumbles. Along with this extreme grey day alert that we're having today in Lundow Town. It's a grey day alert in Lundow Town today, Paul. It's a grey day in Lundow Town. My mood hasn't been great. No.

Starting point is 00:05:39 That's all I'm saying. I know. But now that I've discovered I could trap a lady's clitoris. That's horrible. Luckily, you're never going near one anytime soon, so you're safe. You'll have your tooth fixed by then. Will it smell of onions?

Starting point is 00:05:51 Look, I hope for the best for you. It reminded me of when I did my injury during our Edinburgh show. Remember that? You got concussion, didn't you? Massively. It was a similar incident. Because, again, there was the curtain going across the whole back wall of this venue, which isn't necessarily always a stage space. there's a tiny door well not a tiny door

Starting point is 00:06:08 but it was lower because the stage was higher right lower than you were used to yeah yeah so that door you know is hidden by a curtain and we kind of got used to where it was but after i had that sketch where i was the um i can't remember what it was was i a mummy or something no it was the sketch before that and i had to race out the back and i kept my head down and just misjudged where the door was by a good couple of inches and ran fast into that brick wall and i remember going backstage seeing graham look concerned because everyone heard the crack it sounded like you know cricket ball on willow yeah willow yeah and then and then i looked at him turned threw up in that little sink that's a concussion yeah a nausea is one of the symptoms put my mummy costume on for the next sketch and there was blood

Starting point is 00:06:53 pouring down from the thing blood pouring out and it just looked like a mummy costume mummy costume and then i never see fresh blood on a mummy that would be wrong i did that show you did and you were quite badly concussed and And you should have gone to hospital. Yeah, definitely. And you know, I had a massive lump, didn't I, there for ages. Yeah, yeah. But you remember that sketch that I could never remember, the poltergeist sketch?

Starting point is 00:07:11 You remembered it perfectly. No, that was even more disastrous after I'd had concussion because, frankly, I felt sorry for Adam in that sketch because I think he was looking at me going, he's dying tonight right now. You really struggled with the lines in that sketch so badly it used to crack me up man i i'd remember because i'd have them i knew them do you know what i mean by the end of the process yeah and it was we all had our moments of forgetting of course i don't

Starting point is 00:07:36 i forgot where when i was meant to be on stage completely and blamed you for it yeah i've done that more than once the great thing about that that is that episode was caught on Film Forever, which is on our YouTube channel. Yeah. And it's got that lovely bit where you're like, fucking El Paul line. All three of us backstage are like, no, this is your fuck up, mate. This is all on you.

Starting point is 00:07:57 There's something about when someone thinks they're in the right, you know what I mean? But they're quite obviously not. Yeah, no, it's called This Week on Cheap Show and Every Other Week. Shut up! Right. So what have we got? What have we got coming up on the show this week, Paul, on Cheap Show?

Starting point is 00:08:11 I guess it's time to go. Is it a league of snacks? Is it a league of snacks or is it just a snack? This is not a league of snacks. Is it just a crisp section? No. Mate, what are we doing? It's Cheap Eats.

Starting point is 00:08:21 I guess it's Cheap Eats. The section known as Cheap Eats, where we taste strange foods. Yeah. Cheap foods, all sorts of snack products. Nuts. Thank you. Flavoured nuts. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:33 Salty nuts. Pretzels. Pretzel-type products. Sweets. Broken pretzels. Boiled sweets. Soft sweets. Confectionary.

Starting point is 00:08:39 Chew-its. Chewies. Gummies. But not drinks, because drinks is for the soda jerk. Is for Juicy Jeremy and his jerk. I haven't heard sight or sound of Willy Wanker in months now. I think he's... We're just sourcing this stuff ourselves now,

Starting point is 00:08:53 all these cheap eat stuff, because he's just gone. Well, he only did the sweet stuff. He was the member of the froth shop. Yeah. No. No, you don't. No, he was the froth shop guy, wasn't he? But it was weird because he was obsessed with...

Starting point is 00:09:05 I mean, I think maybe he's just gone to some kind of country where they let... Do you think he's like getting rehab for his animal sex addiction? His bestiality problem. Yeah. He could be, yeah. Bestiality in show. Don't know why I said that, but I just had to get it out of my brain. Bestiality in show.

Starting point is 00:09:19 Yeah. Like dogs, you know, cross. Is that like a porn version? Of the Christopher Guest movie? Yes. Yeah, but a horrible, horrible, horrible version. Do you remember, Paul? I do remember, Paul.

Starting point is 00:09:29 Hello, me. Hello, you. It's a fucking figure of speech at school. What is the figure of speech? Think about that. What is the figure of speech? Pear-shaped. No.

Starting point is 00:09:40 It's very thin at the top. Oh, it comes right out. Oh, no. It's the middle of the word. Yeah. The middle of the word. Oh, it's the round. Right out. That's the middle of the word. Yeah. The middle of the word. Oh, it's the round bit, isn't it? Where the vowel is.

Starting point is 00:09:47 Yeah. And then it gets all... So think of any word such as poultice, for example. Right? Puh, puh. That's very thin. Yeah. Puh, puh.

Starting point is 00:09:59 Oh. Oh. Oh, you see? Oh, a very round bit. Oh. And then... That, a very round bit. Oh. And then tss. Tss. That's a nice little calf.

Starting point is 00:10:08 Like ankle of the word. Put altis. A cute little. It's the cute little toes. So, say with me. Paltis. I'm not saying fucking anything with you. Say with me.

Starting point is 00:10:19 Paltis. Paltis. Chant Paltis with me. Are you listening at home? Why not join in with Eli? Is he pointless? He fucking says Paltis over and over and overltice with me. Are you listening at home? Why not join in with Eli as he pointlessly fucking says poultice over and over and over again?

Starting point is 00:10:27 Let me have three times. Poultice. Poultice. Poultice. Peas pudding. Peas pudding. That's a weird one as well. But do you remember at school

Starting point is 00:10:41 there was always talk of this porn film? It used to have a format. There was always talk of this porn film called show used to have a format there was always talk of this porn film called Animal Farm do you remember yes that was ubiquitous I think in every school

Starting point is 00:10:50 heard that story of oh have you heard Animal Farm but was it apocryphal or was there an actual film called Animal Farm I would presume yes god I'm so phlegmy

Starting point is 00:10:59 as soon as we start doing the podcast my mucus starts to just produce it's a reaction to you. It's not. Your voice makes me produce mucus. At both ends.

Starting point is 00:11:10 You know what? Okay, so we're just going to move on. So, yeah, we have a cheap pizza today, and we have a, I guess it's a Gannon's Golden Games, but it's more of a Paul's Past Times, this one. Paul's Past Times, lovely. Because I think Gannon's Golden Games should be for classic board games, right? I always think of Gannon's Golden Games as being board games only. So when we do things like what we've got planned,

Starting point is 00:11:29 they're not really in the same league, are they? So we need to come up with something else. The card games or, yeah, pastimes. Like those, what's the word? Parlor games or whatever. Parlor games. Paul's Parlor Pastimes. Paul's Parlor Pastimes.

Starting point is 00:11:41 I like that. Paul's Parlor Pastimes. Paltis. Partridge. Peas Pudding. No. Paul's Peas Pudding Parlor. times paul's parlor past times i like that parlor past times poultice partridge pudding no paul's parlor do you know peas pudding wasn't a proper pudding i don't even know what peas pudding is it is like a fucking meat gravy thing is it it's like a gravy pouch nothing about peas pudding says meat doesn't have peas in it like dried chickpeas or something and then you get lots of

Starting point is 00:12:00 lamb fat so it's like a lamb fat pouch i A lamb fat pouch. I'm making this out. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm making it up, totally. I've never heard of the phrase lamb fat pouch. So peas pudding hot, peas pudding cold. You can have it both ways, just like mucus. Yes. At both ends. You don't have mucus at both ends.

Starting point is 00:12:16 Yes, you do. You have rectal mucus. I'm sorry to bring it up again. What about your tip? Your dingly tip? That's not mucus. You call that mucus? This is a mucus.

Starting point is 00:12:25 Get out. You call that spunk? This is a mucus. Get high. You call that spank? Now that's a spank. Now that's a fucking sport of spank. That was a crocodile dundee we all avoided. Was there a porn version of that? Probably. There's probably a porn version of every...

Starting point is 00:12:38 Dickadile kind of pussy. Dickadile pussy. No, when you just say dick, dick, dick pussy, it's not really a play on words, is it? Dickadile pussy. No, when you just say dick, dick, dick, pussy, it's not really a play on words, is it? Dickadile pussy too. No, it'd probably be called Crocodile Hung Lee.

Starting point is 00:12:50 Oh. Or Crocodong Dundee. Crocodick, dick, dick. See, you're just... The thing is, you skip the necessary steps to get from a sentence to nonsense.

Starting point is 00:13:01 Just call it dick, dick, dick, dick down under. Dick down under. Big dick down under. In the bush. All right, give us a porn film for Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Starting point is 00:13:12 Okay. Close Encounters of the Third Burglar Kind. All right, that's not good, is it? Not really that good. I'm glad you're finding that amusing. Fanny Encounters. Here we go. Attempt by attempt, he just erodes the logic.

Starting point is 00:13:32 Fanny Encounters of the... Why are you laughing? This is actually not... I love this game. I love this game. Fanny Encounters of the Penis God. Here's another one then, all right? Okay.

Starting point is 00:13:57 Never Say Never Again, a Bond film. Go on, make that funny in your little way. Fanny Say Fanny Again. Is that what you're going to say? Fanny Say Fanny Again. Oh, you beat me that what you're going to say? Fanny, say fanny again. Oh, you beat me to the punch there, Paul. Yeah. All right, let's move on.

Starting point is 00:14:10 What else is there? Because this is going to drive me up the wall, man. Eli, octopussy. Here, here's one for you. Fanny pussy. How about that? I was thinking dicker pussy. Okay, well.

Starting point is 00:14:23 Okay, calm down. Henry portrait of a serial killer. Go on, do that one. Fanny. Fanny portrait of a fanny driller. Fanny driller, I like it. Yeah, thank you. Henry porn trait of a fanny driller. There's something funny about Fannery as a name, isn't there?

Starting point is 00:14:42 The Fannery. Right, you know what? That's about 13 minutes. No, you haven't told us what else we're doing. Oh, we're doing Cheap Eats. And this game. Let's go on to the Cheap Eats.

Starting point is 00:14:49 I need to blow my nose at both ends. Right, see you in a bit. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap,

Starting point is 00:15:03 cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. I go down the streets and I like to eat. I go in the shop but I haven't got a lot. So I'm going to buy some cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, Cheap Eats. And that is Cheap Eats. It is the section of the show where we eat cheap things. Things that are cheap or certainly competitively priced compared to more brand. Are we doing Cheap Eats now?

Starting point is 00:15:30 Yes. Do you want to not do it? Shall I just say fanny a lot at you? No, I don't want to say fanny a lot. I quite like to say fanny a lot. Yeah, no, I know. I thought you've confused me because you were sorting out you were sorting out the Paul's Parlour game

Starting point is 00:15:46 pastimes yeah and I thought we were going to go straight into that no but do you remember when I said before then I said I'm just getting

Starting point is 00:15:52 these ready for later okay sorry everyone little peek behind the curtain there I'm re-closing the curtain he's folding over the curtains

Starting point is 00:15:58 I'm moving this on we're going to eat some shit so people on Twitter often like to say I saw this you eat this now. And so we do because that's how we build this show.

Starting point is 00:16:09 And Doritos have just released their pizza flavor edition Doritos. So they're Doritos, but with now pizza flavoring on top. Doritos, of course, the most prolific of the tortilla chip. And the fakest, the weirdest. Is it tortilla or corn or is it the same difference? They are corn chips. I'll just. And the fakest, the weirdest. Is it tortilla or corn or is it the same difference? They are corn chips. I'll just look at what

Starting point is 00:16:28 it says on the pack. They call them corn chips, I reckon. Corn chips, it says on the pack. Yeah. So, yeah, there are new...

Starting point is 00:16:36 Tortillas are those little... Yeah, for dippings. No, tortilla is... Oh, it's the wrap thing. The wrap thing. That they make soft tacos out of or whatever. So, Doritos have two flavours out.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Triple cheese pizza and the other one is... These have been pre-opened by a naughty person. Not me. Blame my partner who I said, don't touch them. They're from the podcast. And I went to work and came back and the bag was off. She went straight at him. Loaded pepperoni pizza flavour.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Now loaded. And are those called loaded as well? No, these are just triple cheese pizza. Weird. So I've had them. I've had a few well? No, these are just triple cheese pizza. Weird. So, I've had them. I've had a few of them. So, one is a meaty pizza, and one is a cheesy pizza. Because I've had these already, let's get these out of the way,

Starting point is 00:17:13 because the bag's open. So, I'm going to give it a shake so you can get a good huff on. Try and revive the huff on those dry ones. He's giving it a proper shuffle. And I'm looking him dead in the eye. He's looking me in the eye, and he's shuffling those crisps. This is an erotic moment, actually. He's slow and steady.

Starting point is 00:17:30 Is he going to build up speed? Oh, he's built up... Oh, he's going for longer strokes, everybody. He's really getting those huff particles going. Right, release the huff into your nose. Oh, he's handed it to me. What are you getting? going. Right, release the half into your nose. Oh, it's handed it to me. Ooh. What are you getting?

Starting point is 00:17:47 That's quite a strong salami and oregano smell I'm getting. You definitely get a kind of porky, smoky, porky thing going on. Yeah,

Starting point is 00:17:54 but then it finishes off with a little bit of the, yeah, the herb. Oregano spice. Fine. Fine. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:00 Not off-putting because I often find the dustings on Doritos too much. They can be very sort of thick and... I'd just rather have my Doritos plain. Honestly, I'd rather just have a plain corn chip. I would as well,

Starting point is 00:18:11 and it's fucking weird. You can't find them. Like, you go and you buy some salsa, or you buy some guacamole, and you think, oh, that'd be lovely with a lovely salted... Regular. ...plain corn chip.

Starting point is 00:18:19 You can't fucking find it anywhere. They force you to buy these shit. No, but Doritos do now do a plain corn chip. Yeah, I know. But they're just not as prolific as these branded ones. You never see them no i just want a plain one paul i'm glad we brought that up because it's an important point it's an important point um so yeah pepperoni but they seem to be going the other way with these sort of more complicated flavors you know what the worst doritos was for me the chili heat wave which was that horrible artificial chili and over sweet and it's like that coating like like you say, too much flavour dust on it.

Starting point is 00:18:47 It's also pretty similar to, what is it, Flaming Hot Monster Munch. It's the same profile. It's tomato-y. That horrible, sweet, tomato-y chilli. So let's have a go at these then. I've got one over here. It's time to try the pepperoni Dorito. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:19:01 It's fine. It's a bit too sweet for me. But does it give you an essence of pizza? Yeah. It's very similar to those pizza bits, whatever they were called. Oh, back in the day, bits of pizza. Not bits of pizza. We tasted them, you know, and his...

Starting point is 00:19:15 Oh, we had that pizzeria flavour. Yeah. But that was actually really nice. His wife dipped them in a... In a fudge. Yeah. I can't forget for my life without that. Fact.

Starting point is 00:19:24 You know, I can't remember what they were called they were much nicer yeah but it's very similar to that artificial sort of pizza flavour it's funny because I think this really does suffer from what you said which is just too much too much flavour it becomes overwhelming and almost sort of sickly

Starting point is 00:19:40 do you know what it is? there's a bit of cheese in there because it's a pizza so whatever but as a result you get this sense of like rennet yeah sort of sickly almost. Do you know what it is? There's a bit of cheese in there because it's a pizza, so whatever. But as a result, you get this sense of like rennet. Yeah. Gloopy.

Starting point is 00:19:49 That parmesan-y, heavy, kind of acidic cheese kind of profile. Yeah. And then you've got the tomato sauce and then that smoky beef and basically what it comes into for me is that it kind of

Starting point is 00:19:58 feels almost like eating a tin of spaghetti hoops. It's too overwhelming. There's too much of the dust. There's too much flavour going on for me. Still not awful. They're not awful. I've had a of the dust. There's too much flavour going on for me. Still not awful. They're not awful.

Starting point is 00:20:07 I've had a few. I had quite a few just now and they're fine. You can pound them. Yeah, I could pound them but I would never, if I was thinking, oh, I need to buy some Doritos,

Starting point is 00:20:15 I wouldn't pick those out. I wouldn't pick those out. Because you want a Dorito to be something idly you can dip in your... Basically, the reason why you have a corn chip

Starting point is 00:20:23 is because you're relying on the flavors of your dip not the chip the chip is just the delivery i know but that that's what they've done is they've managed to take the corn chip and turn it into something where they can deliver these flavors you see what i mean where you don't need a dip you can have it just as a snack with a sandwich or something and people and especially in britain i think the culture is the single pack of crisps that goes with lunch or goes with your, you know what I mean? Your packed lunch crisps, yeah. And I don't think in other parts of the world the potato chip culture isn't like that.

Starting point is 00:20:50 I couldn't possibly comment. Like in North America, it's all big bags sharing. Oh, you know what I've got in the other room? What? I've got some of those Herz Reaper giant Wotsits. I'll let you have some later. Right, let's do this other one then. This is the triple cheese.

Starting point is 00:21:03 Now, this might be better because it might be more of a sort of one note. Is he getting foot? Pure foot coming off the half. He's giving me a face. I'm going to try and relive the half on this. It's definitely cheese. Woo! Footy foot foot.

Starting point is 00:21:17 Yeah, very much so. Very much so. Ooh. Yeah, they're... Cheesy. Can I go in? Yeah, go for it. Tangy.

Starting point is 00:21:24 It's got a cheesy tang. You haven't tried these ones? No. No. They're very like those, but they don't have that porky note. No. It's replaced with a cheese, but the oregano at the end is the same. There's something weird going on with this one.

Starting point is 00:21:40 Hang on. Bear with me. Pass them over. There's like mint. There's like a mint or a minty menthol-y thing going on. Let me have a look. Let me have a... It's the oregano you're tasting.

Starting point is 00:21:49 It's the sage. That can be the only thing. Maybe. Have one now and try and find that mint, that kind of, I don't know, tea tree or menthol-y mint thing going on in the background. Am I wrong? No. It's like a blue cheese.

Starting point is 00:22:02 Yes, that's it. Yeah. That's weird. It's the triple cheese. One of the cheeses is a blue or like a soft cheese. Yes, that's it. Yeah. That's weird. It's the triple cheese. One of the cheeses is a blue or like a soft, one of those rich soft. But it's weird because it gives it a kind of, not minty tang, but any way I could describe it. It's just this weird kind of floral. I know where you're getting it because it is almost cooling.

Starting point is 00:22:17 It is almost cooling in the way that menthol is, that blue cheese taste. Do you know what I mean? That sort of almost medicinal hit of the blue cheese. So which one do you prefer then? Loaded pepperoni or the triple cheese? Very hard to say. I mean? That sort of almost medicinal hit of the blue cheese. So which one do you prefer then? Loaded pepperoni or the triple cheese? Very hard to say. I wouldn't pick either of them out. Which one do you think?

Starting point is 00:22:30 I'd probably go with the pepperoni because it's slightly less kind of... Or strange. With that strange, yeah. Once you pointed that out to me, I'm like, ugh. It gives it a weird flavour profile that, I don't know, throws it off. Whereas this one's a bit more predictable, but at least... A bit more normal, yeah. A rounder in the mouth that flavor it's rounder in the mouth rather like my extended bell end uh spherical bell end this is what he does right well he doesn't know what

Starting point is 00:22:54 to say next it's just time for nonsense isn't it spherical bell end enters the mouth is it popping off it's gonna pop off into my mouth in my mouth it's gone eli as a friend if you don't want a second fucking chip tooth i'd shut your fucking mouth right now he's bringing it up shut your pie hole okay it's time for our next bunch of snacks now eli you got these so you can explain them i was in one of my favorite parts of the local area which is the indoor market in the wood green um shopping shopping mall um and they have a caribbean food thing yeah shop within yeah and they always have interesting stuff we've had lots of stuff we tasted from their drinks such as drax remember side yeah no there's some nice stuff from the

Starting point is 00:23:35 pink ting things like that and you get lovely sauces of course all the hot sauces there and they do uh you losing're losing focus, mate. Because you're just looking at me then and your eyes got wider and wider as if you were kind of thinking, I'm losing this. Pick a pepper. Is that a sauce called that? We tried.

Starting point is 00:23:52 Remember that? You've got to pick a pepper or two, boy. You've got to pick a pepper or two. And I saw these. I was up there for a different reason, but I saw these and I thought, oh, I've not seen these before. They look like Monster Munch knockoffs.

Starting point is 00:24:03 What are they called? And they're called Bigfoot. Bigfoot's fine. And Bigfoot is a monster, isn't he? It is. He's a Sas Munch knockoffs. What are they called? And they're called Bigfoot. Bigfoot's fine. And Bigfoot is a monster, isn't he? It is. He's a Sasquatch Orieti. What's the brand company called? They are called Holiday.

Starting point is 00:24:11 And what are the flavours? We have Cheese Bigfoot, which is unfortunate because you think of an unwashed... This is a cheese-heavy podcast today, isn't it? Especially your unwashed cock. I know. Just behind cloth. If these had been called Big Cock and Cheese Flavour, that would be even worse. Well, Jamaican grocery stores do often have that cock soup, don't they?

Starting point is 00:24:30 Yeah. In packets, which people send us pictures of online a lot. Look, cock soup. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep.

Starting point is 00:24:38 Yep. Yep. Eli. It's always like, Eli, Paul, have you seen this? Cock soup. Funny. Funny. We have, actually.

Starting point is 00:24:45 So, though we love you all, and we do enjoy your interactions on Twitter. Don't send us pictures of cocks with that, would you? Right, go on. So what's the flavour? Big foot spicy. Slightly better. Again, if it had been called bellend, big bellend spicy. Right, give me one of those packs.

Starting point is 00:25:00 You wrote the other. Because I'm not engaging in that sentence. And they are corn. And they seem to be in the shape of feet. Which, actually those one of the monster much is a big monster's foot isn't it no well that was the myth wasn't it it was like oh they're feet or they're paw prints but apparently they're not they're the kind of outline of their bodies like if you imagine them like hulking monsters the middle two things are the feet and the other two on on the outside of their arms and it's a big... Oh. So there weren't any feet in there? No. According to them. I mean...

Starting point is 00:25:26 They change their story a lot, don't they? Crisp... I've found out that crisp manufacturers don't off-pedal a load of fucking bullshit. They lie. They lie. It's like when walkers go,

Starting point is 00:25:33 it's always been blue for this and green for that. No, I know, but then they go, the mythology, the Mandela effect of it all, it's like they're buying into it. They play up to it, yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:44 I'll open one while you open the other. What do you want to start with? Spicy? I'll open with the spicy. You want to go spicy, yeah. And I'll go cheesy. I'm going to give it a quick shake and a hoof. Try and liven up.

Starting point is 00:25:54 Give it a little nassilage and liven up the huff particles. I can't smell fucking shit. No? Perhaps it's... It smells like an empty bag. It's weird. Did yours have a smell? Because I can smell fucking shit. No? Perhaps it's... It smells like an empty bag. It's weird. Did yours have a smell?

Starting point is 00:26:07 Because I can smell fucking nothing. It doesn't smell like a crisp to me. Smell that. I can't smell anything. I'm handing you that one. No, it's the same.

Starting point is 00:26:15 I can't smell fucking shit. There's not much coming off this. It's a chemical thing. Yeah. Slight chemical but the spicy ones are red.

Starting point is 00:26:21 And these are quite orange so they've dusted them a plenty. And they are feet. They're quite pleasing shape. So, you know, they've dusted them aplenty. And they are feet. They're quite pleasing shape. Yeah. We'll have photos of these available, obviously. Let's have a bite.

Starting point is 00:26:30 I'm going to taste the spicy at the end of the day. And I'll go with the cheesy then. Oh, that is quite spicy. Ooh, that has got a kick, baby. You might like these better. Maybe, because there's not much going on with these at all. The cheese is so faint as to be an afterthought. This is faint at first.

Starting point is 00:26:45 There's not much at the top, but it starts to build. I've had two, and I'm actually getting some waterworks coming on. Oh, I'm going to have a go now. Spicy cheese. Oh, what? Is it spicy cheese?

Starting point is 00:26:55 And these are just cheese? That is what it says. Oh, yeah, there's a nice little tingle of heat. Well, at least these are much better. Yeah. No, these are much better. Not in a vast way, but at least they've got a flavour and a kick,

Starting point is 00:27:04 and there's that little bit of chilli at the back which is welcome. You know what? I'm on the cheese ones. I don't mind those. They're almost like a halfway stage

Starting point is 00:27:12 between a what's it and a monster munch in terms of texture. Yeah. They're softer than a monster munch. They haven't got that sharp, brittle quality.

Starting point is 00:27:20 Yeah. I quite like those. I don't mind the texture being a bit off. What I would say is I don't care for the cheese ones because there's nothing there but those spicy ones

Starting point is 00:27:27 they got a kick they got a kick I would give them about a five or three in a bit I prefer those to the Doritos actually yeah

Starting point is 00:27:33 you know what I mean but that's because they overdo the flavour it's just too much and also once you know that triple cheese ones once you notice that what you thought

Starting point is 00:27:41 was menthol which is sort of a blue must be a blue cheese flavour I presume so once you notice that it's quite unpleasant isn't it do you know what I mean because it has that sense that what you thought was menthol, which is sort of a blue cheese, must be a blue cheese flavour. I presume so. Once you notice that, it's quite unpleasant, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Because it has that sense of this,

Starting point is 00:27:49 is that a vomit aftertaste in my mouth now? And it's also a sort of, a spartane sort of sweetness it has. I just don't want to be mouth-fucked by big cheese. That's it, really. Anyway, the next crisps you also found in the same shop

Starting point is 00:28:03 by a company called Cotters. And these are interesting because they're called Cherry Berries and they're sweet. They're a sweet snack. Does it say what flavour on the back? Corn, meal, sugar, vegetarian oil. There's a clue in the name of the crisp, I think, Paul. Well, it just says Cherry Berries. Yeah, but that is berries and cherries.

Starting point is 00:28:20 I want to know what specifically they've put in there. Cherry Berries. Just says strawberry flavour in here. Yeah, weird. They're called Cherry Berries, but they're strawberry flavour. Yeah. So maybe there's what specifically they've put in there. Cherry berries. Just says strawberry flavour in here. Yeah, weird. They're called cherry berries but they're strawberry flavour. Yeah. So maybe there's a couple of other acids or whatnot fiddling with the flavour profile. It's been a while since we've had a sweet crisp

Starting point is 00:28:34 on this channel. I think the last one was years ago when we did those Walker's strawberry crisps. Were they Japanese? I think they were like Hong Kong or something. Singaporean. Something like that. But they were limited edition. They love sweet crisps in that part of the world, but these again are from Jamaica,

Starting point is 00:28:49 and you don't expect a candy sort of huff coming off. You know what it smells like? It smells like the pink layer of a metropolitan ice cream. Oh, yeah, which is their strawberry. Is it artificial strawberry flavour? Oh, my God, that's overwhelming. It's quite powerful compared to the other two. That is not the hardest

Starting point is 00:29:06 huff we've had all day. That is an impressively stringent puff. That is fucking... This does not bode well. Well, go on. Hit it. Open it up.

Starting point is 00:29:14 I'll let you have first bite. I want to see what the colour... They look... They could be... If you said that was like a red-hot cornball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same colour.

Starting point is 00:29:21 That was a flaming hot snack. Or if you said that dropped off my granny's tit. That's a granny's tit snack. Oh, that is sickly and weird. What texture is it? Is it like a monster munch? It's exactly the same, yeah, like a corn,

Starting point is 00:29:34 like any kind of generic corn snack. Right, here we go. That's sweet. Ah. I don't like that. Sing it along with me. I don't like that. I don't like that.

Starting point is 00:29:44 I don't like that at all. In my mouth. It don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that in my mouth. It's got a coconut flavour. Can you taste the coconut flavour? Yeah. I think coconut and strawberry just overlap in terms of chemical sort of. It's not. The problem is I don't find it satisfying. They're not awful.

Starting point is 00:29:58 They're not like herb. They're not a satisfying snack. It's like you don't want to have your sweetness delivered that way, you know? I wonder. If this isn't a tin of biscuits, like they had some of these in amongst some like party rings and stuff. satisfying snack it's like you don't want to have your sweetness delivered that way you know i wonder if this isn't a tin of biscuits like they had some of these in amongst some like party rings and stuff maybe they'd fit in there better because the profiles it's just a novelty thing really isn't it it's got these pink panther wafer things going on definitely but i never noticed before how much the artificial strawberry flavor overlaps with artificial coconut flavor if you're given

Starting point is 00:30:23 that and you hadn't seen the packet and they said that was coconut flavoured, you might not even think it was strawberry. No, I wouldn't think that was strawberry. I wouldn't have gotten that confused with coconut. They're so sweet. Very sweet. Almost like candy flossy, sort of.

Starting point is 00:30:34 Yeah, but I like the aftertaste more than the sensation of eating the snack. There's something incongruous. There's something that sort of doesn't feel right about that texture with the sweetness. It's like it's fighting your brain. You can't quite grasp it, you know? That texture I want was something meaty or sort of il marmi-ish.

Starting point is 00:30:52 When you put sweet in it, it becomes a kind of Frankenstein-y snack. Yeah, it's a bit like sweet popcorn. Well, that sweet and salt popcorn. Yeah, which I don't like. You don't like that? Church and state. It's one or the other. I don't want to get involved with mixing the two up isn't it funny how that developed from going to the

Starting point is 00:31:08 cinema and they always have the sweet and the salt next to each other and there's always a bit of crossover a bit of contamination people liked it is that where that came from it must be yeah maybe and because of a lot of sick people in this country now that's a thing so what's your favorite i would say for the loaded pepperoni pizza doritos three i'd agree i'd also give that maybe a little bit less 2.57 i'm gonna say two for the triple cheese loaded uh yeah pizza pizza doritos cherry berry what they were very strange cherry berry two for you uh bigfoot spicy cheese four yeah i could do i could session on those yeah and I didn't mind the other Bigfoot either

Starting point is 00:31:46 I'll go 3.5 I would just give it a 3 nothing offensive but at the same time nothing remarkable but for a cheap snack how much were those Bigfeet

Starting point is 00:31:53 Bigfoots £1.30 for two bags alright that's not too bad that's not too bad if you think about a normal pack of crisps these days

Starting point is 00:31:59 it's 85p yeah so even a small packet of walkers is 85 today in this day and age this time day well at least you get grab bag sizes to kind of warrant the price hike a little bit but

Starting point is 00:32:11 even so shrinkflation isn't it is it that's what happens to my knob there we go and that's how we're ending that segment go on i said i'm shitty shitty mouth Silverman with my poo-poo face, and all the shit comes through the gap in my teeth. Oh, it's dribbled. You know what? Stop. I just thought you might have something good to do. Instead, you just said what you've been saying throughout the whole of this thing. I'm shit mouth Silverman with my gash face.

Starting point is 00:32:43 There you go. Put that on a fucking t-shirt. Now, Paul, before we go on to your parlour pastime. Paul's parlour pastimes. What is a parlour game? Why was it called a parlour? What is a parlour? Is it like a larder? No, wasn't a parlour a room in a house where people gathered?

Starting point is 00:32:58 I guess it was like the living room of its day. But you know, when I've been to a house and someone's had a parlour, it hasn't happened a lot, but it's just like the lobby. People don't do anything in there. I don't know. Do you know what I mean? What's a fucking parlour? It's that right-wing website thing, isn't it, as well? M-parlour? No, parlour. Is it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:16 I don't know. A Nazi Twitter thing. Isn't that just Twitter? Ooh, a bit of politics. A little bit of politics there, ladies and gentlemen. A little bit of politics. Paul's Parl of politics there, ladies and gentlemen, a little bit of politics. Paul's Parlour Pastimes. It's Paul's Political Parlour Pastimes. And I'm Paul Gannon.

Starting point is 00:33:34 And I've got a parlour game for you today, Mr. Silverman. Can I ask one more question? By all means, Mr. Silverman. I look forward to the gold that's about to spill out of your fucking shit mouth. Don't call my mouth shit. I'm the only one who calls my mouth shit. Whistling Silverman shit gob. Don't. Please don't say that.

Starting point is 00:33:50 Oh, Whistling Silverman's gash mouth. Am I actually making a whistly old man noise with my tooth? No, but in my head you do now. Fucking hate you. I look like snaggled tooth and cat weasel snaggled tooth. You look like your mouth is doing a very good impression of a cat's arse. Listen. Right. So, I'm perfectly prepared to peruse.

Starting point is 00:34:14 I'm adding the whistle to your voice now. Don't add the whistle. For me, this is good. Don't add the whistle. I'm not going to do any more. Only to get F sound. I have to pay attention. I'm perfectly...

Starting point is 00:34:24 No, no. No F sound. I have to pay attention. I'm perfectly... No, no F sound. Close enough. I'm perfectly prepared to peruse into your parlour. Right. To perambulate around your parlour and perhaps partake in a pastime. With me. In your parlour.

Starting point is 00:34:39 Ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, ting. Post parlour past time to ting ting You can't just nick my dream theme Because you like it Well when are we going to do a dream segment again? Next time I have a dream about shitting myself Which happens nightly Or is that real?

Starting point is 00:34:54 I don't know I was going to say When is you dream? What is a dream and what is reality Paul? That's the question isn't it? Sometimes Imagine someone had put a poo in a parlour You peek into the parlour There's a poo on a plate in the parlor there's a lot of p words perhaps

Starting point is 00:35:08 pee on the poo on the parlor i would pee i would pish we're in our 40s mate and here's what we're doing soften the poo poo in the parlor with piss and then the cat won't have it the cat won't have it right okay we're playing a game today we We're having a game! Having a game! I found this a long time ago in a Muzzle Hill charity shop. I think it was Oxfam. And they had a thing here called the Dilemma Game. And it's from a place called the School of Life, which has a website, schooloflife.com.

Starting point is 00:35:37 Oh, God. And it's one of those websites where it's like, here's a book about living calm and happier. And it's like 25 quid for a book i hate to stop you there i know what the school of life is do you do you remember that fucking prick who was on tv that doesn't know you're gonna need to narrow it down he's a philosopher like a populist philosopher okay alan de bouton you heard of him uh he rings a bell and it's all like how to be happy or all of this he has a youtube channel yeah that youtube channel really it's the school of life has objectionable fucking videos really yeah like

Starting point is 00:36:11 stuff that is just personal opinion like why is all arc he had one that particularly irked me and it's the same school of life it definitely i just don't want to besmirch one with the other alan de bouton or as i know him alan theain de Big Bum Bum. God. Your rapier wit is genuinely awe-inspiring. He did a video about modern art and like why it's so shit and stuff like that.

Starting point is 00:36:32 Why is everything so shit? Right? Which I just objected to. I thought, that's not true. That's just your opinion and all of this stuff and he has this sort of tone

Starting point is 00:36:39 as if it's really insightful and profound what he's found out when it's just, he's spewing just fucking, basically a conservative sort of take on aesthetics right yeah which is just baseless and shit and i thought i hate that video i fucking hate that video who's this school of life thing and then one of a youtuber i follow big joel yeah sort of a left-wing youtuber did a thing where he took them down i was like yes like, yes, someone else noticed

Starting point is 00:37:06 how fucking terrible this is. Wow. Well, we're playing one of their games. Yeah, I'm going to be into this. Oh, boots on, I'm coming for you with my bum-bum spear. Right. I'm going to pierce your boo-boo. Let me just make a podcast.

Starting point is 00:37:25 I'll never let you make a podcast. Yeah, I know. Fucking no. Right, let me just read this out because this is what it says about the School of Life. It says the School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives. Fuck you! It is a resource for helping and understanding ourselves, for improving our relationships, our

Starting point is 00:37:42 careers and our social lives, as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of leisure hours. I want to be personally wealthy and my name is Alan the Fake Philosopher Bouton. Anyway, this is the game, the Dilemma Game. In life, we are regularly faced with dilemmas, complex everyday problems for which there are no obvious answers. When a friend confesses to having a fur, do we keep their secret? When a colleague has terrible breath, do we let them know? In such moments, we long for some good advice to help us

Starting point is 00:38:09 find a way forward. The Dilemma Game invites you to flex your moral muscles and compare your problem-solving skills with those of your family and friends. Players must propose different solutions to common dilemmas using analogies or drawing on real life experiences to explain their answers. It's a fun and enlightening way of practicing for the inevitable quandaries of life. The other thing that kind of gets me

Starting point is 00:38:32 about the whole approach is like how to live more fulfilling lives as long as you are wealthy to a certain extent. It had an emphasis there, better way to use our leisure time. Some people don't

Starting point is 00:38:42 because they're poor, Alan. Do you know what I mean? They're poor. There's also, yeah, because here's the thing, a lot of these books go for Alan. Do you know what I mean? They're poor. Also, yeah, because here's the thing. A lot of these books go for North. I mean, this game, when it's sold online

Starting point is 00:38:49 for their website, 15 quid. And I got it for £1.50 in that charity shop. It's a fucking pack of cards. It's a pack of cards, yeah. Fuck him. They're terribly objectionable.

Starting point is 00:38:57 Not all the videos are, but some of them, especially the ones where they get into aesthetics, like I say, or art. Passion versus duty. Yeah, fuck off off how to love your work they're just problematic and especially the kind of neoliberal bias for one of the better

Starting point is 00:39:11 words right which i'm getting at this kind of like the assumption that we all have the sort of money basically to take these these steps to improve and it's also this emphasis on us being able to improve our lot by looking inward and then the focus come is again taken away from the fucking capitalists who are fucking us every day it's like learn to deal with being in the system you know what i mean yeah all right it's all i just find it objectionable it's not for me but off the top of my head yeah i did think of a dilemma where your colleague has bad breath yeah yeah now you wrap it up. I think one of these cards might have been... No, you wrap...

Starting point is 00:39:45 I know what... Can I just... I think one of these cards is that question. I have had a thought here. Do you want to save it for them? No, I don't. Save it for them. Top of my...

Starting point is 00:39:51 No, you'll love this. Oh. Top of my... Oh. I've had coffee in the break, everyone. Top of my head, yeah? You wrap up. You do tell them that they've got bad breath.

Starting point is 00:40:06 No, come on. Tell me Eli Skankmouth Silverman exactly what you've got planned now. You wrap it up with a little... Gob poultice. No. Go on. Oh, that is good, though.

Starting point is 00:40:16 A little tongue poultice. You wrap the telling of this person they have bad breath up in a little compliment. Yeah. So basically you say, I want to put my dick in that mouth. You're fired. You are so fucking fired.

Starting point is 00:40:28 That's all I had. Right, good. Because that's a horrible, horrible solution. Make it smell nice, my dick. Here's the game. No, but you're complimenting them.

Starting point is 00:40:39 You're saying I've won it. You're not complimenting them. You're putting yourself into a highly sexually abusive situation. So anyway, this game is basically about 50 cards. Each one has a dilemma on of different types like family, work, social life, all those kind of things. And I've picked six out. Three each for us to ask.

Starting point is 00:41:00 Can I go first and give you the first quandary? Yes. I'll even let you pick the topic to start with. You can either go with work, sociability or family. What would you like to start with?

Starting point is 00:41:08 Let's go for sociability. Sociability. Thank you, Paul. Right, here's the question. Although most of your friends are now happily married and settled with house and children...

Starting point is 00:41:17 Don't laugh. Don't fucking laugh. What are you laughing about? I just want you to try... You picked this out on purpose, didn't you? Because my mouth looks like a fucking weasel. Mate. I'm just... I want you to try you picked this out on purpose didn't you because my mouth looks like a fucking weasel

Starting point is 00:41:25 mate I want you to try to imagine this scenario just try to imagine this scenario so although most of your friends are now happily married and settled with house and children you are still single and desperately alone you feel increasingly out of place at gatherings

Starting point is 00:41:41 and you find you have less and less in common with them you don't want to lose touch, but you can't see a way of maintaining a friendship when your circumstances are so different. The question is, why are you Eli Silverman? What would you do? Is that really the standard? Imagine you're lonely and you're single

Starting point is 00:41:58 and all your friends have moved on with family. Try to imagine that, Eli. And what are you going to do? That's what it says on the card. I'm going to join this parlor game. School of life. Could we play sort of tiddlywinks or marble up the bell end or something?

Starting point is 00:42:09 No, we're going to play the dilemma game where I break Eli. I'll tell you what I do, Paul. I develop myself and I don't worry about it. And if they don't want to be my friends, if they don't want to be my friends anymore, fuck them. No, I'll say this.

Starting point is 00:42:22 And I'll tell you what, Alan, the boot on, the man behind... I don't think you've got anything boot on the man behind don't judge me the boot on just because you've got a fucking oh you've got a fucking media empire

Starting point is 00:42:31 fuck you how would he like it if the boot was on the other foot I was sitting on that I thought there would be a bit more of a specific dilemma

Starting point is 00:42:39 that's a sort of life wide trend isn't it you know well when you play this you're meant to play it with a bigger group of people who all give their Pieces of advice

Starting point is 00:42:46 And then like The questionnaire Picks the one That they think is best But that particular card Could cause a lot of Sort of awkwardness Yeah like now

Starting point is 00:42:54 Perhaps you were playing it I don't feel awkward now You should I don't You should though I don't though Aiming to make you awkward I never feel awkward about you

Starting point is 00:43:00 Gash mouth I've seen you Woo Do you know what I mean That could be really awkward If some of those friends Who you're drifting apart awkward about you? Gash mouth. I've seen you. Woo! Do you know what I mean? That could be really awkward if some of those friends who you're drifting apart from were actually out

Starting point is 00:43:11 in Pleasant there. What do you mean, what would I do? I'd just be me. I'm me. I'll be honest though, I sympathise as well. I know I'm in a relationship

Starting point is 00:43:19 and stuff. But there's still like most of my friends, certainly from like university to my early 20s, who I'd have lots of social time with, doing lots of social things, and now moved on with families

Starting point is 00:43:28 and I just don't talk to them anymore. And when I do, absolutely nothing in common now. But it's all, oh, look at my baby. Is it growed up all clever, clever? And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I'm not. I know, I know. Paul, but there's a sort of wider issue here,

Starting point is 00:43:43 which I think the car doesn't sort of get at. It's saying you drift apart from your married friends if you're single or your friends who have children and do that type of thing. But the fact is, men lose friends over their lifetime. By the time you reach your 40s, it's just natural. And a lot of people just shed friends. They don't have as many close friends as they did. No, there was a Guardian article

Starting point is 00:44:06 last week literally about how men over 40 tend to have one friend. Exactly. Maybe none. And they're just happy with that? They just do their own thing? Yeah, they do their own thing

Starting point is 00:44:15 and they have a family and stuff so it is linked. But do you know what I mean? It's not just that your single friends get alienated from the ones who've married and settled down. Everyone gets alienated

Starting point is 00:44:24 from everyone else and drifts apart. It's a general, more general trend. Getting older sucks. Hang on, try and hang on to your friends. Now, I'm lucky in that regard. Honestly, I am lucky in that regard. I have you, who I consider a close friend, and I have three or four other close friends.

Starting point is 00:44:40 Yeah. And so that's not a bad batting average, is it? To be fair, no. For a man in his late 40s. But most of my friends are now completely, I i've got you biffo and anyone i work with as i can call friends yeah but yeah you've lost but you're more normal in that way that you've lost friends from from earlier periods in your life yeah because they've all moved on and got families and whatever whatever but i've just never felt compelled to live that life it's not something i'm

Starting point is 00:45:03 that focused on. Fuck them. Right, my question now. Okay, do you want... I'll give you the choice. They're on the back, by the way. Now, that wasn't very... That wasn't a very good question. Right, well, come on then.

Starting point is 00:45:13 Do you know what I mean? It didn't... What would you do? It's like, that's not... There's not a sort of a limited amount of actions you could take, is it? Sort your life out. Yeah. I mean, you could say that, but that's meaningless.

Starting point is 00:45:24 Come on, just ask me my card. I want a more sort of focused dilemma. Let's hope the next one is that. I'm hoping for a more focused dilemma on this one, Paul. So you've got relationships. Relationships. Work. Work. Family. Family. Go for family. I hate families. Right.

Starting point is 00:45:39 You're not going to deal with this in a way that's going to make people like you. Hit me with it, grandad. An elderly relative whose memory is failing has begun to make deeply racist comments whenever they attend family gatherings. You are offended by their remarks and don't want to let them go unchallenged. God, this is all too real, man.

Starting point is 00:46:03 This is all too real. I was talking to my friend, the one in Sydenham about this, and his father gone full-on tilt boogie racist. Basically, yeah. No, but he brought up like three points. First, he's racist, anti-woke this, and then he starts attacking the trans.

Starting point is 00:46:17 It's like pure GB News. It's like a snowball of fucking anger. Yeah, GB News just keeps going. It's just like weird mindset. And it's weird, because half these people complaining about all that shit have either caused it or aren't affected on a regular base anyway, so who gives a fuck about your opinion on it?

Starting point is 00:46:32 Anyway. Anyway. So they're racist and you can't, you get offended when they attend family gatherings and they're racist. You're offended by their remarks and don't want to let them go unchallenged, but you realise they may only be a symptom of their condition and your family are urging tolerance. What would you do? Simple. to let them go unchallenged. But you realise they may only be a symptom of their condition. Yeah. And your family are urging tolerance.

Starting point is 00:46:48 What would you do? Simple. I would go round and visit them every Sunday with a nice tray of cakes and I'd have a chat with them every week to keep them company and just be nice. And after about three or four weeks, they start to realise there's something in the cakes and there's like strychnine or something in it. And I'd slowly kill them.

Starting point is 00:47:03 You would murder your relatives. And I'd slowly silence that racist cunt. And I've slowly killed them. You will murder your relatives. And I've slowly silenced that racist cunt. And no one knows why they've got a nail so quickly. Yeah, well, that's going to hide my fucking poison cakes, isn't it? We might have to do this week's episode again, I've just realised. No, this is my opinion. I will kill the elderly. Fuck me.

Starting point is 00:47:19 Now, people, when they get older, they do tend to... Lose their faculties. They tend to become reactionary. Yeah. They tend to shift to the right, let's say. Not everyone, by any means. I hope I bloody fucking don't. I don't.

Starting point is 00:47:32 I mean, it hasn't happened. You are. You can see me shifting to the right already. Yeah. No, you can't. Nubbins showing me. Your little nubbins. Where my nubbin points towards my political affiliation in the future.

Starting point is 00:47:43 How did you know that? I just think there's a falseness here. Oh, go on. When he says you may realise they may only be a symptom of their condition. I don't think that is true. I don't think losing your memory makes you more racist. Or does it reveal the racism that you have suppressed for most of your life? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:59 I don't know. So it's not an excuse, is what I'm saying. You should challenge their racism. Maybe I just take the brace off their wheelchair at the top of a stairs. Stop trying to kill this old fucker. Oh no, granny's gone down. You haven't, you haven't. Listen, you're not going to murder your old relative.

Starting point is 00:48:14 No, it's an accident. He's tapping his nose. It's an accident. You're right. I'm not going to murder my nan. Accident. Right. I've got a card for you now.

Starting point is 00:48:22 You didn't answer that. That was shit. I'm winning this. All right. What would you do about it then? I would challenge their racism. In public at a dinner party. Nan, stop saying that.

Starting point is 00:48:31 I think we need to. I think that's what we need to do. You need to tell people that it's not acceptable. Oh, those Johnny Foreigners and blah, blah, blah. And you say, fucking shut it now. Let's play it out now. All right, okay. But don't say anything actually racist.

Starting point is 00:48:44 I'll do my best. I'll try and do the most un-racist racist comment I can think of. Oh, hello, Granny Gannon. Oh, those guys next door. Hello, Granny Gannon. Hello. No, it's Granny Silverman, isn't it? Because you're...

Starting point is 00:48:53 Oh, my relative. Yeah. Hello, Granny Silverman. Ow. Ow. Are you enjoying this? Are you enjoying the cakes? Oh, I like the cakes.

Starting point is 00:49:01 You like the cakes? I tell you what. What don't you like? Those two moved in next door. Yeah? Oh, disgusting what they do. What's disgusting about them, Greg? No, you think about what they do in there.

Starting point is 00:49:10 What do they do? Who are they? I think about it all the time. You can't be racist, can I? You can't challenge me. But I don't want to say a racist thing to prove a point. No, just say Johnny Foreigner or something like that. They are.

Starting point is 00:49:22 Who are these people? Gay Johnny Foreigners. Gay Johnny Foreigners? Gay Johnny Foreigners. I hear them. Next door making beastly sounds. And what do you do? I get angry. I get angry.

Starting point is 00:49:33 Oh, yeah? I just think there should be less of them. Get them out. Get them out. No one will hear my block. No, I don't find that opinion acceptable, Granny. And I don't think you should be saying those things. Your mouth looks like a fucking shit mouth.

Starting point is 00:49:45 How about that? How's the symptoms of you losing your memory and everything? Who are you? All right, can we move on? That's fucking terrible. This is going to be the one that gets us cancelled this fucking episode. I don't know. Right, we've got two cards each.

Starting point is 00:49:59 You can pick one. So pick one of these to do. I want the work one, please. Work or family? Yeah, work. Fuck family, as you said. Okay. one so pick one of these to do so you've got the work one work or family yeah work fuck family as you said okay cutbacks at work have meant that you've been given the responsibility deciding which two members of your team should be made redundant now one of them is a young highly

Starting point is 00:50:17 talented and has a good employment prospects the other is performing far less well but has been with the company for years and has no larger family to support. What do you do? These cars are populated with sad older guys, aren't they? With no family. This game should be called White Middle Class Man Problems. Yeah. Do you see what I mean about Bouton and his fucking bullshit?

Starting point is 00:50:38 It's funny that these things are very middle classy. They're not well written. No. They're not. They're shit. He's shit. He's making money hand over fist with this shit. I mean, we don. No. They're not. They're shit. He's shit. He's making money hand over fist with this shit.

Starting point is 00:50:47 I mean, we don't know he's related to this game at all. We don't know his connection to what we're doing right now. Yes, but he's related. I know. He's tangentially associated with it. But what I don't want

Starting point is 00:50:56 you people to think is that he's written this game. Come at me, DeBooton. DeBooton, and I'll put DeBoot in, mate, if you fucking come in me haven't you made that joke already I did a similar one

Starting point is 00:51:07 but this is different and a bit more thought out so what would you do then who would you take the young person or the older person depending on how secure I felt my position was

Starting point is 00:51:17 because I don't want to get end up losing my job for keeping the wrong person on no they've said Eli look we need you to get rid of Bob or Alan your job's safe but the cutbacks mean we've got to get Eli, look, we need you to get rid of Bob or Alan. Your job's safe, but the cutbacks mean we've got to get,

Starting point is 00:51:26 to protect your job, we've got to get rid of the others. I would sack the young person because I'd think. Really? Yeah, because I think he's got a prospect. He could always find another job, more ability to restart his career.

Starting point is 00:51:38 Okay. Whereas the sad, lonely guy with no family, I feel for. I absolutely feel for him. That's what I was thinking. You know? And he's obviously a man with no family i feel for i absolutely feel for him that's what i was thinking you know and he yeah he's obviously a man with no family or friends approaching the fucking early fifth you know i mean i don't want i don't want to have that on my on my conscience oh okay i keep that

Starting point is 00:51:56 guy so you save yourself basically in more ways than one yeah what would you do okay here's what i'd do invite them into my office one at a time candles champagne potpourri and then I just get it out yeah and I say go on work for your job put some music on

Starting point is 00:52:12 you know what after they've started giving you blowies I'd let them pick are they both there well what is passing it back and forth between their mouths

Starting point is 00:52:19 oh that's the idea isn't it tag team you're the worst at this one of them comes in one at a time is it now yeah one at a time you said ask them you're completely incoherent here, isn't it? Tag team. You're the worst at this. One of them comes in. What time is it now? You're completely incoherent, man. When are they coming in?

Starting point is 00:52:31 What time? What's the timeline? Bob, come in. When does the music come? All right, let's play it out. All right? I'll be Bob. He's the old one, yeah?

Starting point is 00:52:39 Yeah, old one first. Ooh. Bob. Hello. Hello. Come in here a minute. Come in here. Come into the office. Oh, I'll walk over there. Bob. Come in here a minute. Come in here. Come into the office.

Starting point is 00:52:46 Oh, I'll walk over there. My legs are very poorly. Sit down, Bob. I'm just getting comfy. Now, Bob, you've been with the company for a long time now, 40 years. 42 years. And you may notice around the office there's been talk of cutbacks. Oh, it would be terrible if I got sacked.

Starting point is 00:53:09 I've got nothing. I've got no one. Well, there may be a way. Because I'm also looking at Alan to go as well, right? Oh, I hate him, little cunt. Yeah, but, you know, he also has a good turnaround. He's got lots of clients. He's got a good turnaround.

Starting point is 00:53:21 When she turned around, then I'd see the back of him. Unlike some people, he hits his targets. Oh, I'm sorry about that. I was trying, but I had to go to the dentist to fix my mouth. So, Bob, I just got to say,

Starting point is 00:53:34 do you love this job? I love it so much, I'd actually give you a blowy right now. Well, you've funnily enough skipped to the part of the conversation. I know, you're known around here as Blowy Gannon. I know.

Starting point is 00:53:43 You're always getting people to blow you off. Well, this is your time to save your job. I tell I know, you're known around here as Blowy Gannon. I know. You're always getting people to blow you off. Well, this is your time to save your job. I tell you what, I tell you what, I have some dignity. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:50 I will give you a blowy. There's no reach around bum action. No. All right, but can I finish? Absolutely not. Here's the question though. This will secure your job. Can I finish in your mouth?

Starting point is 00:53:59 And I'll make it come out my nose. Okay, how about that? Give you a milk muzzy. That's what they call it. A milk moustache, isn't it in it oh fucking hell i'm so hot you get a milk okay fine now let's imagine that's happened and then yeah it's been about half an hour 45 minutes since bob's come in and he gave me a nice sloppy one okay and then it's a bit of a mess is it alan now i know yeah so all right alan you're right uh listen do you mind coming into the office for a second?

Starting point is 00:54:25 No, I don't mind. My legs are good. Oh, springy. Sit down, Alan. I don't have to because I've got lots of energy. I stand up. I don't want them to hit me with it. Come on.

Starting point is 00:54:32 You may have heard that there's cutbacks going on around the office at the moment, and I've got to make some difficult decisions. Well, I kind of figured it wouldn't have nothing to do with me because I've got the highest turnover on the whole floor. Yeah, but Bob has been here longer. Can I just say something? He sucks a good dick. I can do that.

Starting point is 00:54:48 Can you? I don't know. You don't seem to have miles on the clock when it comes to cock-socking. Oh. You hit your targets, but can you hit this target? I'm very enthusiastic, though. Yeah?

Starting point is 00:54:59 Yeah. Come on, then. Work for your job. This is the worst thing we've ever done. And then, you know what I do? Fire them both. How? You're not allowed.

Starting point is 00:55:08 You're not... Oh, these are terrible. Because Mandy in accounts wants to move up. So I'll get rid of those two cunts and I can get Mandy in. You would be fired. Well, then they'd save their jobs. Paul, come into the office, yes.

Starting point is 00:55:20 Now, we've had complaints that you've had people come into your office to suck your dick just to save their job. And, Paul, their jobs aren't at risk, mate. You've been just lying about the cutbacks. Now we've had complaints that you've had people coming into your office to suck your dick just to save their job and to pull their jobs aren't at risk mate and you've been just lying about the cutbacks Yeah but it got me knobbed off didn't it? You're fired

Starting point is 00:55:32 and howdy boys Yes Right Next one It's time for you to have one What have we got? You've got remaining you have Relationships

Starting point is 00:55:39 Yeah or work Let's do relationships Okay Right You ready? I am Having encouraged your partner to be more open about their desires,

Starting point is 00:55:49 they've confessed to a wish to dominate you sexually. All right. You love them. Yeah. You don't wish to shame them for their predilection. Yeah. But the prospect frightens and offends you morally. These are the worst cards I've ever seen in my life.

Starting point is 00:56:02 What would you do? Dominate. Yeah, dominate me. I don't mind. I'd like that. You know what? I will address that question. You find it morally offensive, but I don't find it...

Starting point is 00:56:10 Is that what the cards say, though? What does it say again about the moral thing? Go on. You love them and don't wish to shame them for their predilection, but the prospect frightens and offends you morally. So it's assuming you can put yourself in a place where that would offend you morally. So you've got to be in a place of thinking this is immoral

Starting point is 00:56:26 well I don't do you see what I mean how ineffective these are yeah they're terribly written dilemmas well what they're saying is you don't like the idea

Starting point is 00:56:33 of being dominated by a woman that's your character arc and I would be like no actually that would get me fucking rock on right now the woman came in

Starting point is 00:56:40 and went Paul what get your cock out get it out get it out why is it an interesting dilemma if you just aren't you don't find that morally offence do you see what I mean yeah exactly If a woman came in and went, Paul, what? Get your cock out. Get it out. Get it out. Why is it an interesting dilemma if you don't find that morally offensive?

Starting point is 00:56:48 Do you see what I mean? Yeah, exactly. It all depends on if you want to. These are so bad. Well, this is the thing, isn't it? There's an idea where it's like, oh, everything's open. But actually, there's a moral inference in most of these questions that they're putting in. They're saying you find it abnormal.

Starting point is 00:57:02 But that's because they're putting the idea that there's a normality to it. Yeah, do you know what I mean? It's just a very strange position that the card is taking. I'll fucking put it in a strange position. So can I address this? Yeah. I wouldn't find it it wouldn't offend me morally. Yeah. It wouldn't. And I find it very difficult to put myself in a position where that would

Starting point is 00:57:20 and I'm afraid they might hurt me but there'll be a safe word. I'll just go for it. I'll be like, alright love, what's the safe word? Mash. Alright, mash. I don't know what happens next. Okay, so

Starting point is 00:57:30 it says there you're frightened but then like the discussion is a bit uneasy but what do you want to do? You love them so you're either going to Let's play this one out.

Starting point is 00:57:39 I'll be the girl and you be you and we've been in a relationship for a while. What's on telly? Well, I was just thinking maybe we should turn the TV off you be you. Okay. And we've been in a relationship for a while. What's on telly? Well, I was just thinking. Thinking what? Maybe we should turn the TV off and turn me on instead.

Starting point is 00:57:49 Oh, I don't know if I'm in the mood tonight. Come on, darling. We haven't had sex in ages. I know, but... I just thought I want to explore a few things. Oh, yeah. Like what? Well, I was thinking I've got this costume.

Starting point is 00:58:01 Oh, yeah. And it's like an army costume. Oh, keep talking. it's like an army costume. Oh, keep talking. Something's happening here now. Something is officially happening here now. I thought the idea is, you know, like, I put you in handcuffs. This is going on. It's going on.

Starting point is 00:58:17 I'm turning the telly off. Right. And the idea is I come in in my sergeant. Cut-off shorts. Shorty shorts. Sergeant shorts. In my sergeant costume. There's zips on the shorts, sergeant shorts. In my sergeant costume. There's zips on the back and the front.

Starting point is 00:58:28 Yeah. Mucus both ends. And then I whip you, and I say, you dirty boy, I order you to lick my... Touch my... And why are you being so...

Starting point is 00:58:42 Because she's coming... Why are you being so coy? Because it's the character I'm playing. So I just thought I'd dress up as a sergeant major. Yeah, what am I frightened of? You're not sticking to the card. Well, and then I thought I'd like strap you up and maybe whip you a little bit.

Starting point is 00:58:59 Fine. And then like pull you in here. Fine. Just don't hurt me, please. And can I scratch my nails into you? I don't want you to really hurt me, please. Can I scratch my nails into you? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:07 And can I chew on your cock like it's a dog toy? And actually, what if I fucking tongue punch your arsehole? The dog thing! Can I tongue punch you? Yes. Can I tongue punch your arsehole? You can tongue punch my maters. All right, Shep, come here.

Starting point is 00:59:22 I'm going to bring in a dog. That was terrible, Paul. Can I bring in a dog. That was terrible, Paul. I'm going to bring in a dog. No. And a wrestler. And these two greasy fat nuns. And also I've got a box of monkeys out there as well. Wow, it's a circus.

Starting point is 00:59:36 Is that where we work, in a circus? Yeah. Is there a clown? Yeah. Clown sleeve. And he goes, ha, ha. He grabs you. Paul, you failed at that as well.

Starting point is 00:59:44 Now, what would you do then well i'm saying i would i find it hard to respond to this because how am i got that far in a relationship where we're in love and i don't know that they have this predilection do you know what i mean yeah well it's like i'd have an issue with that not with the fact that they have the predilection but that they hadn't come out presumably we've been having regular sex but maybe what happened was you're sitting there watching tv and you were enjoying the show and like a femme fatale walks into a scene and like punches the good guy hard and you go oh yeah fucking let her hit me like that and then she goes oh would you what if i fucking cunted you in the

Starting point is 01:00:19 mouth of my elbow and then no i wouldn't be into that real actual bloodletting. So as I'm jerking you off, I'm also caving your teeth in. Terrible. When you did mention the whip, I thought you were going to turn it around and put the... Oh, the thick end. I might be up for a bit of that. Well, you know what they call that, don't you? They call that the baboon, because you have a tail coming out. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:00:38 And you put it up the big bottom. Yes. And you go... That's why they call it the baboon. You've got a little tail. Baboons don't have tails like that. Do they not? No, you see, you're wrong. They call it the spider monkey why they call it the baboon. You've got little tails. Baboons don't have tails like that. Do they not? No, you see, you're wrong.

Starting point is 01:00:47 They call it the spider monkey then. Maybe baboons do actually. Yeah, they do. They have big arses, I know that. I'm thinking, no, are baboons primates or are they monkeys? Because monkeys have the tails,

Starting point is 01:00:56 but primates have the big... Oh, they might be primates then. They've got the big funny arses. What's Shackma? That's a baboon. Yeah. Shackma! How about one of those

Starting point is 01:01:04 fucking going to town Can I have another dilemma, man? Do you want onema? That's a baboon. Yeah. Shackma! How about one of those fucking going to town Can I have another dilemma, man? Do you want one more? I want one more dilemma, please. What's the one more that we didn't... Alright, here we go then.

Starting point is 01:01:11 Quick one for you. This is your last dilemma, yeah? Having always enjoyed stand-up comedy, your brother has signed up to perform at an open mic night and you've agreed to act as a test audience

Starting point is 01:01:19 as they practice their routine. As you suspect, their jokes are terrible and you know they're going to be humiliated on the night. You want to persuade them to not go through with it without hurting their jokes are terrible and you know they're going to be humiliated on the night. You want to persuade them to not go through with it without hurting their pride. What would you do? I would...

Starting point is 01:01:30 I mean, there's no dilemma there for me. I'd say this is not good. This isn't good enough. And also, there's things I know about stand-up comedy. You haven't done it quite, Paul. You never write gags. You never... You never wrote them. You got your mates to do it, didn't you? Shut up. You don't... You never start. You never start in stand-up comedy by writing a bunch of jokes and then they work

Starting point is 01:01:49 immediately you have to learn the craft it's something you write on stage essentially don't you you craft the jokes on stage you might have the idea off stage and write that down but it's never ready as soon as you you know even gag smiths people who do just one-liners i'm sure they still they have to hone those through live performance. Yeah, because they have to get as many words out of that joke as possible to make it work, right? Do you see what I'm getting at? So, again, it's badly written,

Starting point is 01:02:13 and it shows a lack of actual experience of how these things work in the real world. Eli, I tell you what, I've got some jokes for you. Because you're my cousin, I thought I'd run these jokes past you and see what you think. Okay, sure. That's fine, because I've got some jokes for you because you're my cousin I thought I'd run these jokes past you and see what you think okay Bobby yeah sure so here we go

Starting point is 01:02:26 that's fine because I've done comedy I know I thought you'd be a big inspiration so I let me get a few fucking couple of jokes for you what's the first one I say I say I say

Starting point is 01:02:34 that nun's got no clit oh what do you how does she smell then with her fucking mouth oh god how about that that's a good one because it's clever isn't it

Starting point is 01:02:44 no oh no hang on that doesn't work Bobby I? That's a good one, because it's clever, isn't it? No. Oh, no, hang on. That doesn't work, Bobby. I said it's a dirty habit. Something like that. Hang on, I've got another one. Knock, knock.

Starting point is 01:02:52 Who's there? For. For who? Fuck off, Bobby. I don't think. Come on, I've got another one for you. I say, I say, I say, I know a man with a wooden leg named Gascoigne.

Starting point is 01:03:03 Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's good, that. No, it's not a good gag. It is. I don't think you should do that. Oh, fuck, don't you fucking tell me. This is my dream. This is my fucking dream.

Starting point is 01:03:12 Well, I'm sorry, Bobby, but you need to come up with some better... An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a restaurant. Right. And the Englishman walks up and he goes, I would like to order tandoori chicken. Okay. And then the Irishman walks up and he goes i would like to order uh tandoori chicken okay and then the irishman walks up and he goes i would like to order uh also tandoori chicken they both order 10 and the scotsman goes up and orders tandoori chicken because it's a tandoori restaurant and there's a limited uh menu and so they didn't want the eggs so they just got the

Starting point is 01:03:43 tandoori chicken. Why don't they want eggs? I don't understand. And there's only egg fried rice on the menu outside of this. So it does Chinese food and Indian food. They just do two meals. They do egg fried rice and tandoori chicken. That's the only thing on the menu. It's just the only fucking thing.

Starting point is 01:03:58 What's the restaurant called? Dogs. No, they're not called dogs. No. Anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, the point at which Paul has checked out. So they order their tandoori chicken

Starting point is 01:04:12 and the Scotsman goes, no, put your money away. I'll pay for this. And the Irishman says, no, put your money away. I'll pay for this. And the Englishman suppresses both of their voices and makes them both pay for his meal.

Starting point is 01:04:24 That's a bit of politics, isn't it? You see, because the Irish... Bobby, never do... Not only should you never do comedy, could you stop coming round here, please? Go home, Bobby, and rethink your life. Do you want one last dilemma? I was thinking of getting a job on GB News

Starting point is 01:04:37 because my stand-up career has not worked out. Yeah, fuck me. My mate Dolan's fucking got me a guest spot next week. Now, one more for you. One more quick one then. A colleague at work who is otherwise perfectly charming suffers from terrible breath. They seem unaware of the problem,

Starting point is 01:04:54 but numerous other colleagues have begun to comment on it and joke about it behind their back. There doesn't seem to be a way of letting them know that doesn't deeply hurt and embarrass them. What would you do? It's simple. Every time they walk past your table,

Starting point is 01:05:07 you go, fucking hell, what's this fucking, who's got, who's eating a shit? Who's eating a big grizzly turd? Who's got shit mouth?

Starting point is 01:05:15 Who's got, who is it? It's Eli. Is it you, Eli? You shit mouth bastard. Anyway. Why are you Bobby still? Why fall into Bobby?

Starting point is 01:05:27 That's what I do. I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd be like, no, they'd go back, so I'd be like, all right, yeah, all right, Nigel, are you doing it? I'd be like, just, no, no, no, carry on. Carry on, Nigel. In those circumstances, if you do, I have to work closely with this person.

Starting point is 01:05:41 Yeah. And it's going to go on and on and on. You just have to deeply hurt and embarrass them. Or you say, Merry Christmas. I got you 8,000 bags of Tic Tacs. No, see, those indirect things don't work. People don't pick up on that.

Starting point is 01:05:54 You actually have to tell them. I got you a mug, Nigel. It's got a face on it with a big smile and a dog turd inside the mouth. And it's funny. Nigel, I've written your name above it. Nigel, and then when you like pour hot water in it puts a nice

Starting point is 01:06:06 breath mint in the mug instead and it looks like it's got a mint now like I said I'll go back to my statement from before you say I would like to

Starting point is 01:06:13 introduce penis to your mouth but I won't put it in there because it might wilt I'd like to kiss you Nigel but I'm afraid my teeth would jump down my throat to

Starting point is 01:06:21 escape this has been the worst segment of the show we've ever done no it's not it's been the best because I have shown you that I am the most moral. Paul. Yeah? On a serious note, don't you think these are badly written?

Starting point is 01:06:32 C major. I just don't. That's a serious note, isn't it? I thought you were giving it a mark, C minus. Yeah, no, I thought it was a note. They really are terrible. And what's the point of this? This is one of those things they get out in like

Starting point is 01:06:45 social groups when everyone sits in a circle and they go, well, okay, let's talk about this. You're not going to play this at the pub. Or at a party or with family. It's just terrible. It's a terrible thing. It's an awkward fucking game to play pissed at the pub. It's just a bunch of crap. It's a fucking content mill. That's what this fucking

Starting point is 01:07:01 school of life is. Craig knows all about that, doesn't he? Yeah, because Craig's wife used to slap him about a bit during sex. You know what I mean? What did you do about it, Craig? Oh, that's right, she left you, didn't she? Because you couldn't fucking be a man. It'd be horrible. It's all that fucking... It's all that stuff. And what if your friends have a shit moral compass?

Starting point is 01:07:17 Wasn't there quite a popular... Like me. Yeah, you really are, but... I do it for comedy. I don't really have those beliefs. I don't really want to kill the elderly. Do you want to fuck dogs, though? And he's doing his nose. But I do it for comedy. I don't really have those beliefs. I don't really want to kill the elderly. Do you want to fuck dogs, though? And he's doing his nose. No, not for the dogs. Not for the dogs.

Starting point is 01:07:29 I'm tapping it for the elderly. I'm not tapping my nose for the dogs. Eli, I don't want to fuck dogs. He's tapping his nose again. Now, do you remember there used to be quite a popular dilemma game that I think Amanda... Was it a book thatando Iannucci was behind from the 80s Right and that's the end

Starting point is 01:07:50 of Paul's Parlour Games this week so we'll see you after the break It's the wrap up time, the bit of the podcast that says there's two or three minutes to go but it's mostly admin so you can stick around or go now it's up to you but before you go if you have any questions just go to thecheapshow.co.uk everything's there links to episodes links to videos links to the merch pages

Starting point is 01:08:15 of various artists who help support us links to events magazine and our patreon patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can and you get access to extra podcasts and videos in the month and the magazines that come out quarterly kind of thing event's doing a four-part horror story right now about our halbert road story which has not been released only to our patrons looks amazing though fucking looks excellent it's a deeply impressive thing so if you have got it and you've enjoyed it please tell her then online because uh not enough people tell how amazing her work is um so it's all there go if you want got it and you've enjoyed it please tell her then online because not enough people tell her how amazing her work is so it's all there

Starting point is 01:08:47 go if you want we're on Facebook we're still unfortunately on Twitter I don't know if we're going to do Mastodon oh there's that we haven't discussed that

Starting point is 01:08:54 have we Paul yeah fuck it but we're on there at the Cheap Show pod at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is Eli Snoid

Starting point is 01:09:01 spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D yeah just wanted to say yeah also Tony is our resident artist one of them yeah

Starting point is 01:09:09 I'm actually going to start modelling this is like life affecting art vice versa Paul I'm going to get a haircut yeah because Tony's been drawing you in a certain way with not

Starting point is 01:09:19 as my hair is it's very long at the moment it has been for several years and I have it in a ponytail but Tony's portraying me with a sort of bob thing. And I'm actually going to take a photo and I'm going to show it to the barber. And say, cut my hair like Tony's picture. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:34 One last thing. So, if you want to see us live, we're giving you another opportunity in February next year. Because we're going to be part of the Leicester Comedy Festival at the Firebug Bar. There's links on our website to tickets all over social media. It's only 80 seats, I think, 80 to 100 and we're fast selling out. So if you want to get them, they're only five quid. You can see

Starting point is 01:09:54 us at the Leicester Comedy Festival next February. One night only. It'll be fun. We don't know what we're doing, but we will have guests and larks. I might have had my hair cut by then. Hopefully. Right. Good. That's the end of this week's podcast say goodbye i'll say something about my mouth all right go on poem about my mouth by eli silverman age 47 right go on my mouth smells of shit and my teeth are all crumbly i've got a bum and a willy willy too and the hair comes out of You see, this is the interesting thing about you.

Starting point is 01:10:34 You just literally drone on until something snaps you. Oh, squeaky wooden noise and the smells on the floor. And then I look at the car. You're still going on. My name's Eli. I can't get hard. Oh, shut up! My teeth look like a Victorian graveyard.

Starting point is 01:11:03 And that's Jeep Show this week. Diddly that.

CheapShow - Ep 307: Grim Dilemmas

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