CheapShow - Ep 308: Mulchy Fibbage

Starting point is 00:00:00 I should be down at the old table. Also, they've got the builders in down in the basement. Oh, well, I'll just get on with squishing shit. All right, everyone. Ruff, ruff. Meeting, meeting. I'm calling the meeting to order. Everybody shut up.

Starting point is 00:00:18 Daddy's talking. Hello, all cheap show characters. Ruff, ruff. Now, you must all be here wondering, what on earth is Richard Brandoff calling a meeting of the characters of Cheap Show for? Oh, yes, I was wondering what's going on. I shouldn't even be here. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:00:35 Some of you may be aware of the so-called Copy Character Club. Are I one of them? The swarthy scumbags they are. They have not only been allowed into the main body of the podcast, Ruff Ruff, but they've had their own... I can't believe it. Tell them,

Starting point is 00:00:54 Jimmy, they have... I can't believe it. I tell them. I snuck in, I looked around, I saw things you wouldn't believe. Stuff that we never got access to. Ruff Ruff, what like? Get this. Tiki Bar. They had their own Tiki Bar, Ruff R what like? Get this, Tiki Bar. They had their own Tiki Bar, Ruff Ruff. They had their own Tiki Bar. I heard they also had a bloody cheese wagon. We never got a cheese wagon. Ruff Ruff, now that is unacceptable. They had a cheese wagon. The normal characters

Starting point is 00:01:17 never had a cheese wagon, Ruff Ruff. As the original characters of this podcast, Ruff Ruff, what I want to know is what are we going to do about it to reassert our dominance? Yeah, what are we going to do about it? We need a plan of action because we're losing stock. Thank you, Jimmy. That was a good point, Ruff Ruff. Now. Yes, I don't want to lose my livelihood if these cheap show knockoff characters get their way. I'm not having it. I mean, I don't even have a copy character Do I but when's the time? When's the time? Yeah, squishy Jim just squish squishy Jim only squish. She's got a point lady pops has got a point

Starting point is 00:01:56 It's only a matter of time before she's copy-charactered as well. And then where do we stand? Where do we stand? They are breeding and even characters around now who may not have a doppelganger character taking all of their fame away from them, Ruff Ruff, they soon will be created. And what are we going to do, Ruff Ruff, about it? Ruff Ruff, I see you at the back charity shop vampire.

Starting point is 00:02:19 What do you have to say about this? Yes, I just want to say, I mean, I'll get this out of the way now, I want to suck your dick. Like, moving on, I'm sorry about that, I'm moving on, but I just wanted to say we need to raise our profile, right? We need to get out and about, meet the people, press the flesh. Charity shop vampire or Dracula or whatever, so I am, so he is, so he said over there. I want you to get to the point. Well, I think too. I've got a copy, Karen. He's got lots of stories

Starting point is 00:02:47 about being in the war and having to eat people's genitals, so he does. I think it's an outrage, so I do. I think we're losing control and this is getting out of hand. What are we going to do? Hello. Sorry to interrupt this meeting. Hello. I just

Starting point is 00:03:03 wanted to introduce myself. My name is Arthur Point and I think I've got some information for you that could help you out. Hold on, hold on just one second. You? Ralph Ralph? Hello! Who are you again? Arthur Point! Who are you? You're not one of the main characters.

Starting point is 00:03:18 No, I'm one of those one-shots you hear so much about. Now, I mean, I know officially this is more than a one-shot, but I only dip in and out, and I've not really interacted with the main action, so I still count outside of the canon. I suppose you're here now. What have you got to say? I get to move in and out of this podcast as and when I please, right? That's what I do.

Starting point is 00:03:34 I sneak in, I sneak out, and I get some information while I'm here. Oh, yeah. And I just wanted to say that I've been in that copy character club room, and it's lavish. And you know what? They're laughing at you. They're laughing at you.

Starting point is 00:03:44 Rough. They know they're going to be bigger and better i've heard them say it i've heard them say they're going to do their own thing you hear this you hear what he says everybody rough rough we need to do something about this i don't believe it i knew there was something up it's as terrible as it did mr jim yes squishy jim i can't lose this cheap show gig it's all i got oh no that cheap show is really important to my brand as a musician, you know. I've been there and you need to be careful, right? May I ask, young sir, have you heard anything of a Lady Plops character? Or Jim, or Squishing, or anything?

Starting point is 00:04:17 All I'll say is this, the last I heard, they were working on expanding their ranks, and I heard of a Duchess Shitbuckets and Mike Splat. Mike Splat? Mike Lady Shitbuckets? their ranks and i heard of a duchess shit mckex and mike splatt oh my god what are you going to do about this mr brandon right they've got a spin-off planned they've got their own shows they've got their own shows they've got everything they want to get rid of cheap sean and take over from what i heard they've got this up their ass they think they're all mr big bollocks now so what you need to do is improve your character standing. You maybe need to do something for charity, lads. You know? Oh, brilliant.

Starting point is 00:04:47 Oh, for charity? Like a fundraiser? Oh, yeah. A charity thing. That's a good idea. Oh, I like the idea of a fundraiser. We could raise some money. Oh, I could do a story.

Starting point is 00:04:57 So I could, or something like that. All right, what about this? Just as an idea. What about maybe you do some kind of telethon, raise some money for a charity. Brilliant. You get your name out there. Ruff, Ruff, I've done these before. I know a few people who can make some calls.

Starting point is 00:05:08 Jimmy, you've got some contacts. Oh, I like this idea. Oh, yeah, I got this too. I got some contacts. We can reach out to some people in the industry. We could do one of those. When I used to be an agent, I can reach out to them. You could use your showbiz connections, Ruff, Ruff, and I could use my business connections.

Starting point is 00:05:20 Even over a TV studio we could borrow for the broadcast. Brilliant. I think we should have a vote. Everyone here who thinks we should do a fundraising telephon for Charlie, raise your hands now. One, two, ruff, ruff. I'll do it, yes. Oh, yeah, I'll go for it, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:35 Squishy Jim is in. Oh, see, everyone's unanimously voted for it. I think it's a great idea, this. Nothing can go possibly wrong with this. Nothing. So, it's decided. We go forward and the Cheap Show characters will perform a great Ruff Ruff Telethon! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go Jolly People Love Noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show

Starting point is 00:06:10 You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheep Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheep Show And I go and I nuzzle Like Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:06:47 And I go and I nuzzle. Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, Sergeant Gannon Shut up Of the HMS Cheap Show Express Why? Welcoming you Aboard this edition Of the Cheap Show Show The Cheap Show Show Why have you gone All children's TV? Reaching out to

Starting point is 00:07:12 A broader audience I don't like it I want this to appeal To all ages This show now So welcome aboard To the Cheap Show Express Chew chew chew

Starting point is 00:07:20 Where we go On a lovely journey On the cheap Like you know Like Playbus Back in the 90s i never cared for or watched playbos sorry to be a downer but fuck your playbos in the 90s don't swear this is a family friendly version of the show i know no it's weak i'm trying to make this show reach to more people we can't do that with potty language are you gonna introduce me or you're

Starting point is 00:07:43 just gonna be be completely wrapped up in your own little choo choo train I'm going to be wrapped up in my own little choo choo train fantasy you're the ticket inspector weird admiral

Starting point is 00:07:51 why are you militarising children's content because you need a captain we don't want war we don't want war for the children we do children must understand

Starting point is 00:07:59 the necessary rules of law I've got to do a segment no wait I'm going to do hand over to me and introduce me like a good co-host and friend would

Starting point is 00:08:07 but you're not allowed to swear no bad language from you I won't swear I'm doing I want this to be for kids of all ages alright to enjoy this podcast

Starting point is 00:08:14 alright fine should we start again let's start again okay so don't do the sergeant just say captain no I want to be full rank

Starting point is 00:08:21 I want to be ranked off chunked off. Chunked away. Chunk it off. Chunk it. Bite a chunk off, love. Sorry, kids show, kids show. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:08:33 Chunk it. Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, b Cheap Show. Hello boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Cheap Show. It's the choo-choo train of fun as we go through the town of Charity Shopville and we stop off and we go let's have a look at what you've got in the shop today. And here's my friendly face co-host, nice man, it's Mr Eli Silverman. Hello everyone and welcome to my bit, which is the grunge hole. Come into the grunge hole and slide down its slippery, slippery sides. Into the scrummage, into the grubbage and into the mulchy, mulchy fibbage in the bottom of my grunge hole. Mulchy fibbage? Mulchy fibbage? That's what I said.

Starting point is 00:09:21 Is that a new character? No, it's what's at the bottom. A mulchy fibbage. No, it's what's at the bottom. I'm Mulchy Fibbage. No, it's not. I'm Mulchy Fibbage. You're Naughty Fibbage. Go away, Fibbage. Look what I'm doing.

Starting point is 00:09:32 We don't want your type in round the grunge hole anymore. Oh. Oh. That's grumpy, dumpy, bumpy. What do you think? Grimmie's my new favourite character. Yeah. Mulchy Fibbage.

Starting point is 00:09:47 That's me. Well, I'll tell you what, Mr. Mulchy Fibbage. Anytime you want to come round the Grubbage Hole and get your hands deep into it. Get me hands deep into it. Get your hands deep into the Grubbage Hole. Oh, Grubbage. Oh, Grubbage.

Starting point is 00:10:02 That's what I like. Oh, I'm loving this actually, Paul. This week, I'm loving it. I just didn't know what to do for an intro, so I thought I'd do some good stuff. Oh, I love the grunge hole, man. Oh, it's lovely. Get your hands deep into the rubbish

Starting point is 00:10:16 and you get right in. Mr. Maltry Fibbage. Oh, hello. You don't want to overstate. You don't want to overstate. You don't want to overstate. You're welcome, Mr. Fibbage. Is it Mr. Fibbage? You can call me Mr. Fibbage if you want,

Starting point is 00:10:31 but my friends call me Munchie. Now. Are you going to be my friend? I am your friend. Then you can call me Munchie. Paul, save us from this bit. What are we doing? Hello, yes, welcome to Cheap Show,

Starting point is 00:10:44 the economy comedy podcast where eventually we doing? Hello, yes, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where eventually we go for the bargain bins, the charity shops and powerlands of Great Britain and beyond to bring you the treasure that we find amongst the trash. And we have some platters today, don't we, from your stock? We have some pearls of treasure, Paul. Chunky pearls of treasure. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:02 Chunky, chunky, chunky pearls of pleasure. We have Silverman's platters coming up, Paul. I'm looking forward to it. Chunky Pearls of Treasure. Yeah. Chunky, chunky, chunky pearls of pleasure. We have Silverman's Platters coming up, Paul. I'm looking forward to it. It's one of my favourite segments of the show. We've got a song which ticks so many of the boxes that we look for. Yeah. As in novelty.

Starting point is 00:11:17 Novelty. That's mainly what we cover. Tick. Novelty tick. Huge mooged freak out. Tick, tick. And sound effects. Tickety-tock, tickck tick tick and it's a western song oh country and western country and western which is a which is done before yeah and it's also a

Starting point is 00:11:33 hive of of novelty isn't it when you think about country western music there's always a kind of deep novelty vibe to it in some tracks uh absolutely that's what i'm saying you know to it in some tracks. Absolutely. That's what I'm saying. You know, convoy. I think as a genre, I would even go so far as to say

Starting point is 00:11:48 Country in Western probably has the most novelty tunes. Maybe. And you have pastiche country. Things like Billy Connolly's D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Starting point is 00:11:57 is a country. Pastiche, isn't it? And that's a big novelty song, isn't it? It's true. And Wiki Wiki Wow Wow West by Will Smith. I think it lends itself to novelty because it's got a narrative.

Starting point is 00:12:10 A lot of the songs have a sort of narrative structure, don't they? Well, it's the old ballad idea, isn't it? The storytelling song. Yes. But more so than some other genres, such as soul. And even that song we were talking about the other day on the bus, Camouflage. Oh, Camouflage. Oh, camouflage. That Shep Woolley tune that we covered.

Starting point is 00:12:27 Yes. He's a sort of country and western novelty singer, isn't he? Yes, yeah. It's a huge genre for country and western novelty. So that's what we're doing. We've also got a kind of off-brand brand-off, put it that way, but with an addendum. I am not privy to what this is even.

Starting point is 00:12:42 I can see some packets. They look like crisps over there. Yeah. By the way, Paul. Yes. The League packets. They look like crisps over there. Yeah. By the way, Paul. Yes. The League for Snacks and Crisps, we both have to admit, and admit to the listenership now, has become a fucking disgrace. And we've lost contact with the heritage of what that segment used to be.

Starting point is 00:12:56 We used to have a very defined and scientifically rigorous set of criteria by which we judged crisps and put them in the pantheon of importance Paul you have to accept this is what I'm saying you have to accept it I agree that we have shat the bed on the

Starting point is 00:13:10 league of snacks and crisps go back look within ourselves look within each other can I look inside you look in each other's arseholes with magnifying glass devices eye to eye

Starting point is 00:13:19 oh I'd need one of those things you can see round corners brown eye to blue eye nose to nose eye to eye look your nose goes down the side of mine we've got one of those things you can see around corners brown eyes to nose to nose look what your nose comes on goes down the side of mine we've got one of those things you look over walls

Starting point is 00:13:29 with yeah but it's going around to each other's assholes oh so it's like a perineum scope wow wow i like that uh you derailed me down perineum scope You've failed me. Down podium scope. Whoop, whoop. Yes, this is the captain. Oh, yeah, captain. Whoop, whoop. Cheap show. You don't go two, two underwater. It's a submarine now. I've decided it's a submarine. How can it go two, two?

Starting point is 00:13:51 It goes blah, blah, blah. It goes blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. That's good. I'm about welchy, squelchy. Oh, welchy. This shoots me down. Listen, mulchy fibbage.

Starting point is 00:13:59 Mulchy fibbage. It's going in the pantheon, mate. Yeah. Oh, oh. Can I look? I've always wanted to explore. I was going to do something like that. Yeah, well, I beat you to it.

Starting point is 00:14:08 You knew. I didn't want you to have it. Because I'm sick of when we do episodes of narratives and I go, Eli's character, Eli's character, Eli's character, Eli's character, Jimmy Biscuit. You can have, but you've had Captain Blue Bull. I mean, look. He's a delight.

Starting point is 00:14:20 There is an app. He's a delight, I have to say. He's a joy to perform as well as to listen to. He's a friend and a fighter so we got that we got some an off-brand brand

Starting point is 00:14:28 off with a little addendum and that's very nice but you wanted to say some things about the live show which is now sold out well no it's not sold out but there are very

Starting point is 00:14:36 limited tickets now only one or two to go there are winks there are winks on our website but there are links too links to winks

Starting point is 00:14:43 yes winks to links winking bum bums links to winking bum bums Winks to winks. Winking bum-bums? Links to winking bum-bums. Why do I say bum-bum all the time? I only say bum-bum once a week. What else winks? Apart from the eyes. Bums and eyes wink. Yeah, but you could, any slit

Starting point is 00:14:55 could wink. Any, any... Here we go. Countdown to meters. A meter could wink if it was musculature. A winking meters, yeah. If you're weak, it might... Yes, like that. If your meters was musculature. A winking meters, yeah. If you're weak, it might... Yes, like that. If your meters had musculature, then your meters could wink.

Starting point is 00:15:10 It could. Which is a sentence I really didn't think... But you think not. I don't think anyone's ever said that sentence before. No, but you could fake it. Just press your thumb hard down on your tip and flatten it out. You can manipulate your meters.

Starting point is 00:15:21 I would like to see something with some actual musculature around the corners. Yeah, to give it a smile. Yeah, or a wink or whatever. Oh, look, isn't your meters looking perky today? Or mouth along to, you know, some Mariah Carey.

Starting point is 00:15:32 Right, so live show. Get your tickets on our website. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Ticket to Selling Out Fast, Leicester Comedy Festival, February 2023. Also, I wanted to put a big shout out in this episode.

Starting point is 00:15:43 Tom, who has channel 84 on YouTube and it's underscore channel 84 on Twitter he has not once but twice saved this podcast now once when my hard drive blew up with everything on and I thought shit that's 7 years of cheap show

Starting point is 00:15:59 was that actually a whisper smoke? no, I'm just metaphorical sometimes there is an actual whisper yeah but it isn't it wasn't in this case all went ah it all corrupted all at once yeah so he rescued and saved at least 98 of what was on that and that's brilliant so thank you and secondly when we were recording the halloween stuff that this zoom we're using now got broke because the usb snapped off the motherboard and it looked like it was bad. So Tom took it off my hands, did a Frankenstein job,

Starting point is 00:16:26 put it back together good as new. Here we go. Brilliant. Long story short, Tom fixed it. So on behalf of all Cheap Show listeners and ourselves, thank you, Tom. And as per agreement, I will be doing one dodgy thank you to him.

Starting point is 00:16:42 I won't tell you who I've been asked to kill, but if they're listening, you better check your doors at night. Well, then you wouldn't be able to kill them if they know you're coming. I won't tell you who I've been asked to kill, but if they're listening, you better check your doors at night. Well, then you wouldn't be able to kill them if they know you're coming. Just check your doors at night, Eli. You are completely inconsistent. Just check your doors at night, Eli.

Starting point is 00:16:51 Oh, he's asked you to kill me. He's winking. Terrible. The world building on that last bit was actually some of the worst I've ever heard. Do you want to know what I will think about your opinions? I'll build a world in your mind. What does that mean? You don't care about my opinions, I'll build a world in your mind. What does that mean?

Starting point is 00:17:05 You don't care about my opinions. I know. No, I don't. But people out there are agreeing. What? That you have opinions? Well, that you pretend to be a hitman

Starting point is 00:17:11 and then you're like so warning to the person who's meant to be my victim I want you to get away so I don't have to don't kill you so then I don't get paid so I'm not a hitman.

Starting point is 00:17:20 So it's completely inconsistent. Oh, I know what I'm doing. You completely shut up. I know what I'm doing, mate. Oh, fucking shut up. I know when to strike. Blame Tom. He asked me to kill you. Oh, I know what I'm doing. You completely shut up. I know what I'm doing, mate. Oh, fucking shut up. I know when to strike. Blame Tom. He asked me to kill you.

Starting point is 00:17:28 World building. Like a mound. He says you owe him money. £20,000. And because you haven't paid it off. For what? Gambling debts. Yeah, I knew you'd say that as well.

Starting point is 00:17:37 It's dogs and gambling. That's all you... Yeah, that's the problem. You were gambling on dogs. Dog fighting. You horrible man. Oh, God, don't... Dog fighting.

Starting point is 00:17:46 Fuck off. Chihuahuas going at it. You're like tiny dogs fighting. Poodles. What does the loser happens to the loser? Fuck that dog. Happy? Happy mate?

Starting point is 00:17:56 Is that what you want? Dog fucking? I put it in. Slipped it in. You so have. Right, there we go. Well, that's ruined my family-friendly approach to this podcast, hasn't it? The best bit of the podcast had definitely been the arrival of mulchy...

Starting point is 00:18:08 It was always for my appearance. Squidgey, squodgey, wiggly, wodgey. And now we're just in the morass. Biggie, budgie, woo. I love him! I love him! Right, let's crack on. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for a micro off-brand

Starting point is 00:18:25 brand-off. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand,

Starting point is 00:18:38 off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand,

Starting point is 00:18:42 off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-, brand off. Squelchy, squelchy, squelchy. Brand off, brand off, brand off. Squidgey, squidgey, squidgey, squidgey. Brand off, brand off, brand off. Off, off, off. Squidge, squidge.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Off, off, off. Bodge and flodge. Wodge. Right, here we go. Brand off. Brand off. Yeah, do you want to finish? Are you happy?

Starting point is 00:19:02 Oh, I haven't finished. No. No. You are. Right, we're doing off, brand, do you want to finish? Are you happy? Oh, I haven't finished. No. No. You are. Right, we're doing off-brand, brand off. It's where we take a branded, well-known food item and we compare it to its off-brand alternative. And usually the way we do that, Paul,

Starting point is 00:19:17 is I, Eli Silverman, resident super taster of the podcast. Extraordinaire. We'll taste each of the items. Usually we'll do a blind taste test of the podcast. Extraordinaire. We'll taste each of the items. Usually we'll do a blind taste test of the branded item and of the off-branded item. Without knowing which one's being served to him. And then he's asked me,

Starting point is 00:19:33 that is me, the supertaster, I am asked to undertake a number of tasks in my analysis of the foodstuffs which I put in my mouth, Paul. Yes. I firstly have to say which I think is the branded itemuffs which I put in my mouth, Paul. Yes. I firstly have to say

Starting point is 00:19:45 which I think is the branded item and which I believe to be the less quality unbranded item. And then, completely separately to that, Paul, I will then describe which one is actually the nicest. To me,

Starting point is 00:19:58 resident supertaster Eli Silverman. Yeah? Yeah, that's it. That was it. I wasn't going to interrupt because I just had to let you get through that. Usually,

Starting point is 00:20:07 I used to do very well on this. In recent months and years, Paul, you have shat the bed more than a bed-bound geriatric. I've really not done well. No. And, I mean, the tea one was a bit of an

Starting point is 00:20:19 off-brand, off-brand thing. It was, but it was more of a kind of social experiment, wasn't it? I have been making my tea the way that we discovered. And has it improved your tea since?

Starting point is 00:20:29 Absolutely, yes. Well, there we go. What an interesting turn of events. The original article said it works in hard water areas. Okay. Because it's the hard water that makes it, gives it that kind of muddy, cardboardy taste when you do it the traditional way with tea. Okay. So London is a hard water area. All way with tea. Okay, all right, interesting.

Starting point is 00:20:45 So London is a hard water area. All of London? Yeah. Oh, don't care. On the hole, yeah. On the hole. You want hard water on the hole. Spit on the hole.

Starting point is 00:20:51 Spit on the hole. Hard water on the hole. Just get the hole wet. Mate, I'm tired. Spit on the hole. Punch in the hole. Tongue punch my hole. Tongue, tongue punch my hole.

Starting point is 00:21:02 He's done a song, everyone. Yeah, I've done a song. Any chance I get, song come out. Right, so we'll do Off Brand Brand Off. Before we get there, though, I want to just give you a little addendum to this, which is quite a nice little treat. So there's a little box.

Starting point is 00:21:15 This came in the PO box. In fact, these snacks came from the PO box. As well. And there's a little letter. These from the same people? Why are you hiding it from me? Because it's a nice little surprise and I want you to see it at the very last moment. He's reading little letter. These from the same people? Why are you hiding it from me? Because it's a nice little surprise and I want you to see it at the very last moment.

Starting point is 00:21:26 He's reading the letter. This comes from Nikki, aka at Crafty Cornfield on Twitter. Hello, Nikki. Hello, Nikki. She says, hello both. Enclosed are blank, blank, blank. Right, because I want to hide it.

Starting point is 00:21:39 Also promised some nibbly knobblies, which are the snacks we're going to be trying. Those are the nibbly knobblies. But the thing she's made for us and she's made these I'll show you mine first and then I'll give you the box

Starting point is 00:21:49 and you can open yours alright? Oh. They've been made. Are they food stuff that's been made by Nicky? Let's find out. Hang on.

Starting point is 00:21:56 First one is my one. Look at that. It's a little marshmallow man. Oh. It's a little knitted marshmallow man. Nicky says it's an

Starting point is 00:22:03 amigurumi stay puffed. An amigurumi. Which must be a sort of Japanese mascot style because that's what it looks like. It looks like one of those little Japanese sports mascots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perhaps that's what it is. It's a little knitted marshmallow man.

Starting point is 00:22:18 And I'll be putting pictures of this on our website on Friday. Really, really lovely. Isn't it lovely? It's really cute the way it's done. I love it. It's a great little knit job. It's going next to my ghostbusters teddy i got from the bear workshop now i my my appetite has been wetted for some kind of knitted so what it's time time to show a noodle or why don't you open it up and find out mr silverman so open it up open the box for

Starting point is 00:22:42 your knitted item be careful take an out because it's in parts it certainly is it's some kind of squid it's not it's a noodle box with two prawns a fortune cookie and chopsticks it's a knitted

Starting point is 00:22:54 noodle box here are the chopsticks there's the two chopsticks they're knitted there's noodles in there which are bits of wool yeah it's all knitted

Starting point is 00:23:03 Eli and there's prawns yeah knitted noodles little prawns little knitted It's all knitted, Eli. And there's prawns. Yeah. Knitted noodles. Look at these little prawns, mate. Yeah, little knitted noodles and a knitted cookie as well. This is fantastic.

Starting point is 00:23:11 Isn't it? It's a little knitted... Look at the cookie. Fortune cookie. The little noodle carton, I think it is. It's more like one of those Chinese takeaway cartons.

Starting point is 00:23:19 Yeah. The way it looks. It's sort of petaled. Little box. A little box. Like a noodle... Noodles in a box has got a face in it.

Starting point is 00:23:24 A little face. He looks a little bit angry. And then you've got two prawns each with little faces. Littlealed. A little box. A little box. Like a noodle in a box has got a face in it. A little face. He looks a little bit angry. And then you've got two prawns, each with little faces. Little faces. And then what else did you say? What's this thing? Fortune cookie. It's a big fortune cookie.

Starting point is 00:23:33 Yeah, it's a little knitted fortune cookie with knitted noodles and a knitted chopstick. With a little, look, lovely detail. It's the part of the fortune cookie fortune message is sticking out. Sticking out the side. Isn't that lovely? So, Nicky, they're wonderful. Thank you very much for that. We like it when we get nice prezzies.

Starting point is 00:23:49 Thank you very much. And now it's time for the Off Brand Brand Off segment. Look at this. This is so good. Yeah, what a lovely little thing. Lovely, lovely little knitted lovely thing. Oh, it's very cute. Pictures on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk.

Starting point is 00:24:02 But Nicky also gave us some nibbly nobblies now explain what nicky not nibbling explain who nicky nobbler is nippy nippy nobbly niggly this is by a company called snack right who i believe make food for old or little one or the other one of those two and it's saucy there are two flavors saucy and spicy nibbly nobblies well explain what they are i am i'm getting there now because from this statementies. Well, explain what they are, then. I am. I'm getting there now because from this statement, I can go on to what they are an off-brand alternative of.

Starting point is 00:24:30 And that is... Please. Knick-knacks. Buy. Doesn't say. Who makes knick-knacks? It's KP. I thought it was bought by Lay.

Starting point is 00:24:37 Hang on. The same company that makes skips, wheat crunchies, and discos. So who's that, then? Because it says on the back, have you tried our other great snack brands? Look at the small print. It's Walkers.

Starting point is 00:24:46 I bet it's Walkers, which are Frito-Lay. Let me see. Because KP don't exist anymore. No, they make nuts. They still do nuts? Yeah, of course. You can still buy KP nuts.

Starting point is 00:24:56 I don't know who makes knickknacks. Is it Smith's? Who makes discos? It might be Walkers. I think you're right. It's Walkers. It's just there's no brand new of Walkers on that pack,

Starting point is 00:25:03 which I've never realised before. Almost as if they're ashamed, Eli. Very strange. You will be surprised what I discovered. What? It says distributed by Tato Snacks. The potato as in Irish company? Tato as in the Irish crisps.

Starting point is 00:25:15 So they make wheat crunchies and discos and skips now then? Weird. Mate, everything we know about snacks is slowly getting thrown out the fucking window. Isn't that strange? We would prance about and go, oh, we're the king of snacks and crisps. And every single week now when we bring it back up, we're shown to be fucking fools. Now, it's still KP.

Starting point is 00:25:34 It is KP. It must be KP and vice versa. Mate, how far down the rabbit hole are we going to go? I thought KP had been swallowed up by Unilever or something like that. I don't know. They all get munched up into one big thing. Now. What's a knick-knack?

Starting point is 00:25:47 What's a knick-knack? A knick-knack are what Cheetos are in America. In terms of style. It's a knobbly corn finger. Isn't it? Oh, I've got knobbly corn fingers. Now, Mr. Fidvidge, you said you'd go back to your well. Oh, I've got to go down the well, you said you'd go back to your well.

Starting point is 00:26:06 I've got to go down the well. Have I got to go back down the well? You can't have dry foods in your well because they get all sodden. Have you got any... It's all mulchy. I'll pour the yoghurt down. Have you got any lemon curd? I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

Starting point is 00:26:19 I've got lemon curd and I'll mix it with some yoghurt and I'll pour it down your well later on. I'll go down the well. Here we go. Get back in there. Slink. Slink. Slink. Slink.

Starting point is 00:26:27 Slink. Slink. Slink. Down the well I go. Wiggly wobbly wiggly coobly wobbly. Swimbly wobbly. I love that guy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha foods though paul i didn't know that you can only have wet food oh yeah beans are they okay yeah absolutely anything slimy anything wet yeah uh no dry food it's no meats meats fine if it's what kind of meat there what kind of wet meat is there i don't know like a piss steak or something

Starting point is 00:26:57 piss steak is that all you've got i'm coming up with gold here with my character you come up with piss steak i think we've underexplained to our worldwide listenership what knick-knacks are. Don't say that. They're crisps. Knick-knacks are.

Starting point is 00:27:11 They're Cheetos, essentially. But they came in a variety of flavours. Would it be fair to say, Paul, they're very much a sort of...

Starting point is 00:27:17 It would be very fair to say, Paul, because that's my name. Paul, would it be fair to say knick-knacks are very much a heritage sort of nostalgia style crisp? when did they first come into

Starting point is 00:27:26 existence 90s i believe you need to look it up come on this is what i mean about the the crisp coverage on this show paul you know we need to step it up a gear a bit if something as important as knickknacks i mean i love them this is what i have to say i always loved knickknacks they seem to me to be a forgotten snack people go on about how much they like them, but you don't really hear about them in the public consciousness as much as you used to. They don't have the same cachet nostalgically as something like your Monster Munch, do they?

Starting point is 00:27:53 Right, knickknacks are a type of extruded corn snack. Extruded, I'll extrude it. Previously manufactured by Sooner Snacks in the UK, the snack was introduced as crunchy Watsits with a cheese flavour in 1981. I fucking remember that! Like the Cheetos. I remember that! Because that's what Cheetos were. Do you remember that?

Starting point is 00:28:12 So Crunchy Wotsits were then trying to be Cheetos before Cheetos existed in this country. I was six at the time and I have a vague memory of that. Of fucking Crunchy Wotsits. I remember Crunchy Wotsits! The twists continue. The brand was purchased by Golden Wonder in 87 and then sold to united biscuits in 2006 in december 2012 united biscuits agreed to sell the kp snacks brand

Starting point is 00:28:33 including snick snick snacks to the european inter snack group as of 2021 knickknacks are made in three flavors uh so previous owners round, Round Trees, Sooners, Golden One. It's been passed about, hasn't it? It's been passed about like a football, hasn't it? Like a hot potato. Yeah. Their sales must be sort of steady but declining.

Starting point is 00:28:53 Ribbon Saucy, Nice and Spicy. That's the two flavours that they have now. No, they've also got... Didn't they have a fishy one? Scampi Lemon, yeah. They've still got that. You see it. Nice and Spicy, Cream and Cheesy,

Starting point is 00:29:02 Scampi and Lemon, Ribbon Saucy were the mid-90s flavours. The packaging of scampi and lemon contained an ironic stifle the stink statement encouraging consumers to bin the packaging responsibly. Because it stank of fish, yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:15 Stifle the stink. And it was all that whole joke about, oh, you know, smell my finger. Yeah. Like, you know, where's your finger been? It's been in a dirty clunch

Starting point is 00:29:22 or it's been like, you know. They did a naughty and saucy flavour of knick-knacks. Naughty and saucy? Yeah. For a limited time, a tomato and mayonnaise flavour containing an aphrodisiac ingredient, which is 0.01% guarana seed extract. Guarana, yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:37 Guarana is caffeine, essentially. Okay. Haven't you seen those guarana cans? They drink it as a soft drink in South America. But it's not meant to make you sexy, is it? Yeah, in the way that caffeine used to be. It gives you energy. It boosts the libido.

Starting point is 00:29:50 It doesn't turn you on. I used to do guarana. Mate, you're wrong. Paul. Scampi and lemon went out of fashion, came back in 2002, was sold, then was placed by Creamy and Cheesy in 2006. And in 2008, it was phased out to make room for Pickle and Onion flavour. However, Scampi and Lemon remains in multi-packs. Pickle and Onion, however, has been

Starting point is 00:30:10 discontinued. And also I've been seeing grab bags of Scampi and Lemon recently so maybe, honestly, I've seen one quid large bags of Scampi and Lemon on the shelves this year. Bill Plimpton made a bunch of animated cartoons for Knickknacks in the 90s. He was the guy who did the MTV segments, wasn't he? That kind of hand-drawn look. Okay. You know, where heads would grow and then there would be that kind of stuff. He had that very familiar, iconic look. I wasn't aware of it.

Starting point is 00:30:36 Subsequently followed by a bunch of adverts describing how ugly the snack looked. It's almost like Pot Noodle. They've gone down the sort of subversive, you know, edgy, so to speak. 2004 and 5. Do you know what I mean? They've gone for the sort of subversive, you know, edgy, so to speak. 2004 and 5. Do you know what I mean? They've gone for a sort of gimmicky, shocking sort of... Yeah, it's weird.

Starting point is 00:30:50 Like this one advert in 2005 had an advertising tagline saying, eat the freak and was set on a cross-channel ferry and was a modern parody of Alien where a passenger eats a knick-knack only to have it explode

Starting point is 00:31:00 from his stomach and begin dancing to Le Freak by Chic. I remember that. I don't remember that. That was fucking cool. That was excellent, Ad. First thing I'm going to do when I get back is get some decent food.

Starting point is 00:31:10 Oh, really? Bring it up. I don't like it. He's still got that picture. Oh, come on. They're monstrous, deformed and available in four stupid flavours. Knickknacks. Eat the freak stupid flavours. Knickknacks. Eat the freak.

Starting point is 00:31:47 I love knickknacks. Knick-knack, paddywhack, give a dog a bone. This old man came groaning home. What are your feelings? Did you like it? I've got hands and I go like this. Did you ever like knickknacks? Not a big fan. I don't know why.

Starting point is 00:31:57 Just not really the snack of choice for me. Don't hate them. Just not really any opinion. You like Cheetos, though. Yeah, I like Cheetos. I like cheesy snacks. They're the same texture. Anyway, shut up. They're the same texture. Anyway, shut up.

Starting point is 00:32:05 They're the same texture. Shut up. I'm questioning you. Shut your mouth. We're doing knickknacks. I know. They said... Fucking hell.

Starting point is 00:32:12 Nicky sent two flavours, spicy and saucy. Now, I couldn't find saucy in the shops in knickknack flavour, so I bought nice and spicy knickknacks, and then we had the spicy nibbly knobblies. We're going to do a brand off with that. I understand. I think I would say, probably, everyone's go-to flavour of knickknacks. And then we had the spicy nibbly knobblies. We're going to do a brand off with that. I understand. I think I would say probably everyone's go-to flavour of knickknacks was nice and spicy. It's your fallback one, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:32:33 Yeah, it's a good flavour. So now, Eli, as per usual, I want you to don the blindfold because we're about to begin the snack. Eli is now donning the blindfold. Now, they're not hot spicy. They should be called nice and tangy. Yeah. Really. What's the half, as per usual, that sweet, slightly kind of tangy?

Starting point is 00:32:57 It's tangy, isn't it? It's more tangy. It's tomato-y. Yeah. Tomato-y. But with a sort of sharp tang. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

Starting point is 00:33:05 It's more tangy. It hasn't got any chilly heat. No. You know what I mean yes it's more tangy it hasn't got any chilly heat you know what I'm saying yeah so here's the thing I have got in my hands now spicy nibbly nobbles and nice and spicy knickknacks

Starting point is 00:33:13 I'm going to give one of these now to Eli he'll taste absorb send have you opened the other packet yeah I've opened them both so it's just

Starting point is 00:33:20 I know I don't want to be cheating mate this is not my first rodeo in the off brand brand off stadium right so now I'm going to offer the first can you just say to me cheating. Mate, this is not my first rodeo in the off-brand, brand-off stadium, right? Can you just say to me, can you describe to me, is there a big difference in the shape of these two? Not that big a difference.

Starting point is 00:33:31 They look similar. Similar enough that if you didn't know which was coming out of the pack, you wouldn't know. Okay. I will say the hoof in one bag is greatly more diminished in the second, but whether that's which one or the other, I'm not going to say, but one was pongy and one was not so Pongy. So I'm going to give you your first one now.

Starting point is 00:33:49 Now, you just assume, if you're just going by assumptions, you'd assume that the huff would be less strong on the knockoff, wouldn't you? So I'll be doing my own little snuffle test. Eli, put your hand out. I'm about to put my nibbly knobbly in your hand. This is nibbly knobbly one. Nibbly knobbly one. Are they called nibbly knobblies? The your hand. This is nibbly knobbly one. Nibbly knobbly one. Are they called nibbly

Starting point is 00:34:06 knobblies? Yes. The knock off ones are called nibbly knobblies. Nibbly knobblies. So it isn't a nibbly knobbly necessarily. It's just knobbly one. No, I just like saying the nibbly knobbly. It's called extruded corn snack number one. I basically did it for a knob gag. It's extruded corn snack number one. Yes. I'm getting a huff already when you placed it on. I've got a huff. I've got that sweet tomatoey tang.

Starting point is 00:34:21 Very well, well finger putted on. Well finger putted on. Yes, they're good. Oh, he's having a snuffle. That's got a lovely, nostalgic, warm, tangy, tomatoey. Herby. Oh, a bit of a herb. It's a very nice crisp.

Starting point is 00:34:37 It's fine. The texture, I think, adds a lot to the flavour. Going from the huff, I think, you know what? It's a very nice smell. But to me, that doesn't smell like a nice and spicy knick-knack. There's something missing. So I'm suspecting this is the knock-off. Just from the huff, I've been so bad on this,

Starting point is 00:34:52 I just have to go on my gut these days, Paul. He's eating it, and it's now time for him to evaluate the thing in his mouth. Is it crunchy? It's very crunchy. Very crunchy or fine crunchy, you know, expectedly crunchy. It's good.

Starting point is 00:35:04 Again, it doesn't have that real crunch. You know, there's almost crystalline bits that you expect. Slightly softer than I would like, maybe. And also, it's got a nice flavour. Yes. But it just seems to me that it isn't the exact nice and spicy flavour that I know. And from the slight texture discrepancy and that slightly off flavour,

Starting point is 00:35:25 not off in a bad way, just different. Yeah. I would say that that is the knock-off. But that is just my first impression and I can change my mind.

Starting point is 00:35:32 I need to have water. Right, he's having a sap of water to clear his palate. He resumed the position. Try and get an extruded corn snack of a similar size.

Starting point is 00:35:43 I am. I'm all over it. This is the moment of uh truth here when you get the second item and i don't want to i don't want to be i want to be able to revise my opinion all right here we go that first one with the next extruded corn snack yeah give us the extruded corn snack oh it's got some weight to it this to be fair that's the biggest one in the pack how you're thinking how you're feeling he's having a snuff of the extruded paw. Do you know what?

Starting point is 00:36:06 The smell is not as nice and it's not as strong, but it smells much more like a knick-knack. And I think the huff on the knock-offs was stronger for you. I think that's what happened. Because that smells like a nice and spicy knick-knack. But it's very much got a much less range, the huff. Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:36:26 Yeah. With that first one, I was getting the huff here with my hand down by my tits sort of thing. You know what I'm saying? But this, you have to go right close up. It's more musty

Starting point is 00:36:34 and it is more like an actual knick-knack, Paul. And I'm feeling pretty confident that there's number two is the actual knick-knack. And now I'm going to go in for the taste now, okay? Yeah. Much crunchier, okay? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:45 Much crunchier. Much harder crunch. Woo! I grabbed his little nosy. I grabbed your little nosy when you weren't looking. Fuck you. It was not unfair. I took advantage of you. Number two was the real one. Right. So, which one was the nibbly-nobbly and which one

Starting point is 00:37:04 was the knick-knack? I think the first one was the nibbly-nobbly and the second one was the knick-knack. Mate, I'm so sorry to say this, but once again, you have been proven right. You are correct. Yes! I knew it. I knew it. I'm good on the crisps. There you go.

Starting point is 00:37:16 But, okay. Do you agree with what I'm saying? Yeah. There's less niff on these, on the real ones, but they are much crunchier. Have you tasted both? Yes, I have. Yeah. They're softer, aren't they? But, okay, so here's the question, though. And they have a nice taste and smell, but they are much crunchier. Have you tasted both? Yes, I have. Yeah. They're softer, aren't they?

Starting point is 00:37:25 But, okay, so here's the question. And they have a nice taste and smell, but it isn't the same. You know, it isn't the same. But would you be happy with buying Nibbly Nobblies on a budget? Back in the game. Back in the fucking game. Absolutely. They're pleasant.

Starting point is 00:37:38 Yeah. They're just different. The Grab Bag was a quid from Tesco's. And then that, I mean, I presume that much bigger pack. How much is the weight on those Nibbly Nobblies compared to Knickknacks? That is 80 grams. 80 grams compared to Knickknacks? 45.

Starting point is 00:37:53 45. So you're paying a lot more for the real thing. Less for the Knickknacks. Whereas I think, I mean, I don't know what the price of those Snack Right ones were. But perfectly good snack. If you want to save a bit of money buy more with them.

Starting point is 00:38:07 They're not off-putting, right? In any way they're really pleasant. So very quickly then let's try out the saucy. But do you know what I mean about they're having more huff as well?

Starting point is 00:38:14 It's just I'm used to that and the texture is slightly different as well. It's that amplitude thing that we always talk about isn't it? You're saying the amplitude is better on the real deal?

Starting point is 00:38:22 Well no, that's what you're missing. That's what you notice when you're having the nibbly knobblies. You're missing that element. Also the the real deal? Well, no, that's what you're missing. That's what you notice when you're having the nibbly-nobblies. You're missing that element. Also, the texture. Now that I've gone back, I'm comparing them again,

Starting point is 00:38:30 and I've gone the real knick-knacks, the texture is really good on the real ones. And that really is missing. They're too soft and not crunchy enough. All right, well, then have one of the saucy nibbly-nobblies then to end on. What, have you done a half already? Yeah. What do you think?

Starting point is 00:38:43 Fine. I mean, it's not as strong. The knick-knacks in the bag were stronger. No, it's not as strong. The knickknacks in the bag were stronger. It's not as good. I'm getting vinegar and there's a sort of fishiness. Not a fishiness.

Starting point is 00:38:50 No, I know what you mean. Scampi. Fish batter sort of smell. Do you know what I mean though? Yeah. A sort of fried fish sort of batter smell.

Starting point is 00:38:58 Yeah. Which has come off these knockoffs. Yeah. Which is there on both of them. Yeah. And it's missing from the real deal.

Starting point is 00:39:03 But have a taste of them now. Have a saucy, which is basically what the nice and saucy. it's almost like a donut smell yes it is it's an olive ball and kind of thing do you see what i see what i mean that fried dough sort of thing batter sort of smell yeah eli after 308 episodes i know what you mean thanks man i thought that i tasted one just then it was like they're really nice but again overall those profile flavours aren't my cup of tea

Starting point is 00:39:29 so they're not my go to snack but as the snacks go perfectly fine nice mouth feel great value and how much were these I don't know

Starting point is 00:39:36 I could look it up right now do you want me to have a look at it yeah because I want to make a wider point about the whole

Starting point is 00:39:42 importation of American snack food to the uk which has been happening and people are paying upwards of seven eight quid oh for bags of crisps like bags of cheetos and essentially it's exactly the same thing these are exactly the same thing aren't they yeah different flavors yeah diff slightly different quality of corn do you know what i'm getting at yes i do eli i know what you're getting at i'm just making a point that you know if you enjoy a corn snack product don't be don't you know pay eight quid for some cheap no there's no need to there's really no need to all you're really doing is it's like it makes it a luxury item when it's a fucking bag of cheetos and these

Starting point is 00:40:21 are dirt cheap and get them from lidl yeah. I can't find a price online for these. They're definitely not, it's definitely not like three quid, is it? Okay, so a big bag is a quid. Certainly online, it's a quid. An 80 grand bag. For the Nibbly Nobblies, yeah. These bags we got.

Starting point is 00:40:38 So you're getting double for basically the same price. They're a quid, yeah. They're much better value as well. That's how much they're selling for on this website, online shop. So it might be different in oldie or uh little wherever they were bought from i'm just saying it's not going to be hugely different though is it considering you're getting more for the same price and ultimately it's not that different a

Starting point is 00:40:56 flavor it's like it's a perfectly good legitimate replacement that's the point i'm making i'm saying not only are those a perfectly acceptable alternative to knickknacks, they are a perfectly acceptable alternative to these vastly overpriced imported Cheetos that you get. You expecting anyone? No. Rob, Rob!

Starting point is 00:41:15 Oh. Rob, Rob! Oh, hello. Come on in. Come on. He's coming in now. I'm gone. Rob, Rob, hello, boys.

Starting point is 00:41:22 Oh, hello, Mr. Brandoff. Nice to see you. How are things? Not too bad, you know. Been doing some renovations around the old place, you know. You still living on the roundabout with her biscuits? Yes, Ruff. How is it?

Starting point is 00:41:36 Well, it's got a dug a trench and so on. Jimmy's been awfully good. Ruff, Ruff. Looking out. He looks out. Ruff, Ruff. Yeah. All right.

Starting point is 00:41:44 We get by. Ruff, Ruff. You obviously knew we Looking out. He looks out, and Ruff Ruff. Yeah. So, alright. We get by, Ruff Ruff. You obviously knew we were just doing an off-brand brand-off, and it's nice to say you can award Eli today. What is it you do when you come on here? Ruff, I just get paid, Ruff, because it's my segment. Yeah, but what do you do? You come in after we do a taste test,

Starting point is 00:42:00 and then, I thought you used to, like, bestow something on someone? No, I just go, hello! Eli, well done did you get it right did he yes he did Eli you can tell him yourself yeah I got it right Richard

Starting point is 00:42:09 I got it right yeah he did very well this week well done well it's fine and you know just put the money in the yeah I'll put the tenner

Starting point is 00:42:16 in tomorrow in the plastic bag I'll put the tenner I'll give you the tenner now I'll give you the tenner now yeah I'll give you the tenner now it's fine it's only a tenner isn't it

Starting point is 00:42:22 I know it used to be £555 but then since everything that's happened with you you know murdering cast members blowing us up terrorism Give it to me now, Ruff Ruff. Yeah, I'll give you the tenner now. It's fine. It's only a tenner, isn't it? I know it used to be £555, but then since everything that's happened with, you know, murdering cast members, blowing us up, terrorism. Let's not talk about that. All that stuff. All those stuff over the years that you've done

Starting point is 00:42:32 that somehow you still get away with. Ruff, just look. It's gone down to a tenner. Just send it by courier to the roundabout on the M25 near... Yeah, Stevenage. Stevenage. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:42 Should anyone want to know. I wanted to just say, thank you, well done, boys. Ruff Ruff. Yeah. I wanted to say... Yeah, Stevenage. Stevenage. Yeah. Does anyone want to know? But I wanted to just say, thank you. Well done, boys. Yeah. I wanted to say... Yeah, how are you anyway? What are you up to these days?

Starting point is 00:42:50 Well, you know, getting by, like I say. The thing is, Ruff Ruff, we've, I mean, me and Jimmy and all the other

Starting point is 00:42:59 original tube show... Oh, all the OG characters, yeah. Tube show characters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've noticed how a lot of attention has been afforded to these copy characters and they even had their own place.

Starting point is 00:43:13 No, you know what? To be fair, that's been out of our hands somewhat because that got out of hand. That wasn't on us. They just marched in and started taking up squatter's rights, basically. Rough, rough. Well, anyway.

Starting point is 00:43:23 So, I mean, don't get me wrong. Are they still in there with the tiki? They've got the tiki thing? They've moved it all out. They've got some new HQ. Is there anything left in the rough, rough paneling? No, all gutted. Oh, that's a shame.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Leaky Ken came over, took everything. I mean, he's just, you know, he's on the job. Leaky Ken, he's done some terrible work for me over the years. Yeah, mate, he lives cash in hand, isn't it, with him? He did the whole of the interior of the piss limousine. Yeah, mate, he lives, cash in hand, isn't it, with him? He did the whole of the interior of the piss limousine. Yeah, look where that got him. Terrible job.

Starting point is 00:43:49 Terrible, terrible job. Terrible damp. There are terrible problems with damp in there, Ruff. Yeah, there was a little bit of dampness. There was a mould thing in the basement. Yeah, piss mould's the worst kind of mould to get rid of.

Starting point is 00:44:01 Ruff, Ruff. Tasty, though. Ruff. Anyway. That's a new one for you, isn't it? What, piss mould? I knew you liked piss

Starting point is 00:44:08 and like... I drink it. I didn't know you drank it. I just thought it was a splash in your eyes kind of thing. It's very good. It's not only good

Starting point is 00:44:16 for the libido, ruff ruff, but lady piss, it's good to drink. That's all I'm saying. So anyway, look, those characters have moved out. I don't know where they've gone to.

Starting point is 00:44:23 It's nothing to do with us. Yes, yes, Ruff Ruff. Anyway. I mean, I heard from Arthur Point they're up to no good, but he's just been leaving me messages. Yes, well, yes. Independent of Arthur Point, all of the original characters have decided

Starting point is 00:44:35 we want to raise our profile and also raise some funds. Maybe we don't want... I want to get off that fucking roundabout. It's a terrible place to live. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ruff Ruff, terrible. We have decided for place to live. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ruff, ruff, terrible. We have decided for charity to do a telephone, Ruff, ruff. Wait, so you're going to...

Starting point is 00:44:50 And it'll be a bit of variety, a bit of showbiz. You know, Jimmy's calling people up, and we're going to put on some brilliant shows, song, dance, novelty acts, everything, Ruff, ruff. To raise money for a charity. To raise money for St. Chodney's To raise money for St Chodney's. Oh, St Chodney's. That's fair enough.

Starting point is 00:45:07 Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, no, can we, me and Eli will help out with that. Oh, you will? Yeah, we'll help out with that. Oh, and that's what I was going to ask.

Starting point is 00:45:13 Yeah, no, I thought me and Eli, we're not doing anything, are we, for Christmas? No, I do fuck all, man. Yeah, we'll present it then. Fuck it. Ruff, brilliant.

Starting point is 00:45:19 So, I can depend on you to present the show? Yeah, we'll introduce the characters and all that stuff, and we'll get you all in off. It'll be fun. All right, thanks, boys.

Starting point is 00:45:28 Got to go. Thank you very much. All right, bye. Ruff, ruff. I'll let myself out. Yeah, bye then. Turn us on the way to the roundabout. Yes, I'll post it on the way out tonight.

Starting point is 00:45:36 Good, thanks, Paul. Thanks, Eli. Bye-bye. Bye. Ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff. Ruff it. Ruff.

Starting point is 00:45:42 God almighty. Sit down before you do your Eli character. Off he goes. Yeah, he was weirdly amiable there. And positive and upbeat, yeah. He must be up to something. I don't know, there's a fear in his eyes, I noticed. Yeah, there's something going on,

Starting point is 00:45:57 but if they're going to do a telethon, that's nice, isn't it? Raise a bit of money, charity, that's good, isn't it? I'm happy to do that. Yeah. Welcome out, though. No, I don't think you're... I'll squidge some stuff. I think you're overstepping the mark. I'll squidge you to

Starting point is 00:46:09 squodge. You are an occult creature of the netherworld, and I'm going to put a sacrificial... a special chalk circle around your bog, your grunge hole. I will destroy you! Get back in. Oh, he went very scary in then at the end. I will destroy you! Yeah, otherwise he just dominates. He gets full of himself. The more slime and grunge you feed him,

Starting point is 00:46:46 he kind of like... Oh, we've got to keep an eye on him. The no-face ghost in Spirited Away, you know? He kind of fills up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a good... That's a reference, isn't it, Grandad? It certainly is. Right, good.

Starting point is 00:46:53 Well, we've learned two things. Oh, knick-knacks. Knock-off knick-knacks. But also, on the knick-knack positive side, Paul, they are very distinctive. And I was able to... Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:06 They're not fooling anyone. But they're not trying to. They're just saying, here's a cheaper alternative. They are, kind of. Kind of. Same colour scheme, kind of fonts and stuff.

Starting point is 00:47:13 Yeah, but that's how these things go. So if you want the true taste of knickknacks, you should go for knickknacks. Knickknack, bric-a-brac, nibbly-nobbly too.

Starting point is 00:47:21 Give a dog a bone. I wasn't going to say that. Give a dog a bone. I wasn't going to do anything about a dog's bone. Bone a dog a bone I wasn't going to say that Give a dog a bone I wasn't going to Give a dog a bone I wasn't going to do anything about a dog's bone Bone a dog a bone

Starting point is 00:47:28 Red Rocket He loves it It's back again It's not We go everywhere on this podcast but it always returns to sex with dogs It does

Starting point is 00:47:38 I'm trying to stop it I really am I'm trying to not do dog sex No it's my fault now isn't it Your fault Because I see you

Starting point is 00:47:44 moving towards it I wasn't going to do knick knack pad my fault now, isn't it? Because I see you moving towards it. I wasn't going to do knick-knack, paddy-whack, give a dog a rim job or anything, was I? Give him a bone hoover. Knick-knack, paddy-whack, give a dog a rim job. It's so dog came gobbling home. Good. And that was the safe version, everybody. Yeah, the edited one is never getting heard by anyone.

Starting point is 00:48:04 It's Silverman's Platters, the platters that matter, the songs that scatter in your mouth. Silverman's Platters, will they splatter or splatter? And I'm getting fatter down south.

Starting point is 00:48:15 He's getting stiffer. No, there's nothing. Right, so... Silverman's Platters, Paul. Yes. Or should I say Silverman's Platter. Platter.

Starting point is 00:48:24 Why? Singular platter to date. It's just the Plateau. Why? Singular plateau today. It's just the one plateau. It's just the one. Just a little one. We're going to sneak it in. Just the one plateau today, Paul. Can I just say, before we get started, I have a Tales from the Transport. Tales from the Transport, a very... Three people farted on me.

Starting point is 00:48:41 No, two people, and then there was a grumble. What do you mean there was a grumble? There was a fart in the distance. On my journey in, I take two lines. The Metropolitan and then the Piccadilly, right? And I change it

Starting point is 00:48:53 King's Cross. As a line. I like Metropolitan. It's quieter. You can chill. And it's overground a lot. Yeah, it's overground. You see the world

Starting point is 00:49:00 rushing by. Chuffity chuff. Woo woo. But it has those seats, those seats that... I'm not interested in talking about seats. We're moving on. I had three instances of gruntage today.

Starting point is 00:49:10 Now, Paul... One. Over the years, you seem to be a person who, for some reason or other, strangers feel comfortable to fart around. Now, I don't know if this is... Look at that cunt over there. I'm going to fart next to him.

Starting point is 00:49:21 He won't do anything. He's going to... Look at him. What a pasty boy. I'm going to give him a right grunt. It's bizarre. Look at him. What a pasty boy. I'm going to give him a right grunt. It's bizarre. They feel like there won't be any

Starting point is 00:49:28 and this goes back years because there was that guy who let off and he almost puked. Car park. The car park. The car boot challenge. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:36 Where I'm sitting there looking at a view mask and some old man just walks past and goes and I was like, oh mate. And it was real bad.

Starting point is 00:49:41 It was pretty bad. Now. It stunk of hot dogs. You remember the smell? Nah, I'm just imagining stunk of hot dogs. You remember the smell? No, I'm just imagining it smelling of hot dogs. Like hot dog water. Yeah, hot dog water. Now, was there any smell today?

Starting point is 00:49:52 Yeah. There was detectable smell. Three detectable, chewable tastes. Lay it out for me, the three incidents. One, I'm on the Metropolitan line coming in, chuffity-chuff, chuffity-chuff. An old man sticks nets to me. He looks nice enough.

Starting point is 00:50:04 He had a mask on. Fair play to him, little old man. I'm sitting there, and I didn't hear anything, but I felt it. And I felt that bubble of air that passes through fabric. And I felt the vibration because it was right next to him. And then this smell, this kind of stewed cabbage, this rick. It was like a baby's nappy kind of smell. And he's just sitting there,

Starting point is 00:50:26 minding his own business. He's looking this way and that way. And meanwhile, in my throat, I'm going, That's terrible. You didn't want to say anything to him? No, because he's a little old man, isn't he? But mate, it felt like there was a lot more to that

Starting point is 00:50:42 than just smell. You know what? I would get up and move in those instances. Well, unfortunately, there wasn't many places to move and sit to. So I was kind of stuck there. No, but honestly, I can't take it. I can't. Once I was really drunk and I got...

Starting point is 00:50:53 And someone homeless got onto the bus and sank so bad I had to get off. And then I got on another bus. This was the middle of the night. And I got on another bus. And someone else, I could smell their breath. And I was, you know, when you start looking for it. I can't believe I'm going to have to get off two buses because of odour alone. Odour alone. But I didn't.

Starting point is 00:51:11 The smell of shit. Odour alone. Right. So that's part one. Bad. Very bad. I feel for you. Very, very, like Sunday dinner kind of stink, but mostly on the cabbage.

Starting point is 00:51:24 That's not an acceptable thing in society to do. But he's an old man. Maybe he couldn't control it. Maybe his arsehole was just baggy. How old? He was like frail.

Starting point is 00:51:32 He looked like a skeleton. Oh, he's properly old. Yeah, little old man. It's all gone. There's no sphincter control. It's just it's flapping in the wind at that point, literally.

Starting point is 00:51:40 It's just an open goal, isn't it, at that point? It's just like a sea lion at the circus. Yes, it's just like a sea lion asking for fish at the circus. So, that's number one. Number two. It's the asking for fish detail that really got me, thanks.

Starting point is 00:51:54 Number two. Right, number two. Smelt like number two. So, this is the thing. I get off at Baker Street because I had to change lines for a boring reason and get the circle, right? You mean the Bakerloo? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:08 So I got off... Bakerloo. No, Metropolitan. I went through to the circle and district line. Oh, you changed twice? Yeah, because it stopped at Baker Street. So I had to get off

Starting point is 00:52:18 and then make the rest of the way to King's Cross. Right. So, oh no. I have to walk. It's fine. There's a little pathway from the platform to the circle line.

Starting point is 00:52:26 Little pathway. However, I don't know what's going on at Baker Street, but that little pathway, that little tunnel down to the thing, stunk of the rawest shit caked sewage. It was just like there must be a leaking pipe somewhere because this whole corridor really stinks of shit. There's that huge men's loo in Baker Street, isn't it? You don't find. You see there's

Starting point is 00:52:48 like pairs of shoes in there. Remember that? That's a weird toilet. And there's all like signs saying, don't be bumming in here. I went in there once late night coming home and when I went in, there was just one man and he was just standing against the wall by the

Starting point is 00:53:04 sinks whistling. That's all he was doing. I couldn't pee. That's sinister as fuck. I was so desperate to go, but the minute I got in there the performance did not come. That's sinister as fuck. So, but, so this was just a pipe that smelled, a tunnel rather, not a pipe. Yeah, but it was a tunnel of shit.

Starting point is 00:53:20 Tunnel smelled of shit. It was a walkway of scat. So it wasn't anyone who'd farted? No. Okay. It was just an overall honk of gut rot. Come on, third thing. So walking through that was bad. I just walked out from one stink. Now I'm walking through another like it's a trial of fire. You know?

Starting point is 00:53:37 Holding my breath for those 20 seconds or so because it was bad. Get on the train. Get on the next one. Get to Piccadilly. Getting on the Piccadilly line north. Coming out of the station on the train get on the next one get to piccadilly getting on the piccadilly line north coming out of the station on the platform escalator lady in front of me big lady are you joking she just let off literally as the steps you know adjust as they're going raising her arsehole level to your almost eye level right and then i got this i don't know if i can recreate it but it was a it was like

Starting point is 00:54:05 oh i can't remember but it was really kind of airy yeah like that kind of thing right in my face and it smelled bad this one was kind of fishy oh mate you've really done it. And then I kind of stepped to the side, walked past, and in a bushy way, went... Touched at her. At least you gave her a good touch. I gave her a tutting. How dare she? It was grim. And so I was attacked thrice wise. Thrice? But only twice

Starting point is 00:54:37 by actual identifiable villains. I could put my finger on it. Yes, you're right. I could put my finger on the sauce. I feel for you, Paul. But I do think this should become a semi-regular statement. It shouldn't be, though. My life should not be. Who's farted in Paul's face this week?

Starting point is 00:54:52 Because we were in Bristol, remember? You were in a charity shop. I was in Brighton. Someone farted at me at a bus stop coming out of a charity shop. And then when I was on my knees looking for records, another guy let off a little Tommy Squeaker then. And, mate, I don't know how much poo particles from a foreign source I can take.

Starting point is 00:55:09 Because when you're in your own and you're waffling, you go, ooh, lovely, lovely gravy. Getting high on your own supply then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when it's someone else's, like, you know, yours. All right, well, I don't... It's egregious. I don't fart into your face on purpose.

Starting point is 00:55:21 No, you don't. No. You do, however, when we're sitting in the same room. Lean over. Poop room lean over stretch your leg crack an eye crack and then you squeeze out something that sounds

Starting point is 00:55:31 like tearing sofa leather it's just bad I'm proud of that now now that was my tales from the transport tales from the transport

Starting point is 00:55:40 I don't know I also don't want this to become a thing where if you see me in the street and you recognise me no don't please don't fart around Paul grunt off no don't know I also don't want this to become a thing where if you see me in the street and you recognise me no don't please don't fart around Paul

Starting point is 00:55:47 grunt off no don't chunk one off around Paul don't pull a chunk off no now you've

Starting point is 00:55:53 you've you've you've you've you've you've you've you've

Starting point is 00:56:03 you've you've you've you've you've you've you've you've you Snipped it off. We're talking about a platter today, Paul. Yeah. It's for us to decide. If you're new to the show, everyone, Silverman's Platters is where we talk about records, essentially. Cherry shop finds, things that the dear listeners sometimes send us. Yes, that's very nice.

Starting point is 00:56:16 They send us some very interesting stuff. This is one I found in a charity shop. Yon other day. In Pouch of Thendeth. And it's called what? It is called Little Man. Oh, I see why it appealed. Yes.

Starting point is 00:56:27 Because it's after... I am a little man. Yes. You're thinking, oh, it's a song about me. It speaks to me. It's about me. I'm a little man.

Starting point is 00:56:35 Maybe I'll find a song to call my own. Listeners who are new to the show, that's Paul's in-live voice. Yeah, but why... And give... I'm just trying to introduce people to the show. If they're new to the show, they have long's in-live voice. Yeah, but why... I'm just trying to introduce people

Starting point is 00:56:45 to the show. If they're new to the show, they have long since checked out by this point. Probably around the bit when we had Mulchy... Mulchy Fibbage. Yeah, come in.

Starting point is 00:56:53 The demon well-dweller. The naughty bog monster. It's a bit like Matriarch, my friend's film was a bit like that. Is it? Don't want to spoil it too much. Spoilers, but there's

Starting point is 00:57:02 a great big bog monster in it. There is, essentially, yeah. Oh, okay. If Ben's looking for pitches for his next film we should pitch Multifibbage we should it's brilliant because it's sort of hauntology 70s children's TV mixed with folk horror

Starting point is 00:57:17 of that era as well a bog monster that's in a field round the back of this old manor house but apparently maybe he's also been co-opted by a TV creator and put on TV as well. Oh! You sure what I mean? Yeah, so he lives in like...

Starting point is 00:57:29 So we link the two things. That could be great. It could be great. Little man. He's all friendly. But then he turns. Yeah. And then he turns.

Starting point is 00:57:37 Yeah. Little man, and it's by an artist called Logan Smith. Logan Smith, who we did the research and there is almost nothing about him online.

Starting point is 00:57:44 There is fuck all. But it's called, the label is interesting as well, because it says Brand X, and then it has a little, in brackets, a little tagline, that other label. Because it's a subsidiary label of what was it? Nashville something or other, you said? NSD. Nashville Sound Distribution.

Starting point is 00:58:00 Distribution, something like that. National Sound Distribution. Yeah, well, either way, they mostly dealt with country and western music. Because they're out of Nashville, which is the home of country and western. And the grand old Opry was in Nashville. I mean, it really is the centre. Do you know where Cunnilingus was invented?

Starting point is 00:58:14 Noshville. Don't fight that laugh. You tried to fight it. It's because it's pawpaw. I mean, it's not up to your standards. I mean, Noshville. Elfish Presley. Elfish. I don't know. not up to your standards. I mean, not... Elfish Presley. Elfish.

Starting point is 00:58:25 I don't know. I don't know. Name me some Nashville artists. All of the big country names are Nashville artists. Okay, so like Dolly Parton. Okay. What am I asking for again? To make a...

Starting point is 00:58:36 Make it dirty. Yeah, Dolly Parton. Make it... Dildo Parton. Dildo Parting. That got me. Okay. Who else is country, man? Waylon Jennings. Dildo Parton. Dildo Parting. That got me. Okay. Oh, that was good.

Starting point is 00:58:45 Who else? Who else, Countryman? Waylon Jennings. Way... Jabbings. Waylon Jabbings. Whilst we're on the... Well, you've amused yourself.

Starting point is 00:59:02 Waylon Jabbings. All right, good. Oh, no. Now, good, Paul. That's good. Can we get to this, good. Oh, no. Now, good, Paul. That's good. Can we get to this, please? Oh, God, I don't want this to end, this feeling. It's so gross.

Starting point is 00:59:13 Good, good. Good. Paul's having a little laugh wank in his mind. Oh, God. Now, little laugh wank in his mind, little euphoric moment. Waylon Javis in Nashville. wank in his mind. A little euphoric moment.

Starting point is 00:59:23 Waylon Jabbington in Nashville. But who was Dolly Parton's partner? Maybe she was on that TV show for years. Dildo Parton's partner was not Waylon Jabbington. Anyhow,

Starting point is 00:59:37 it's a country record, everybody, right? Oh, that was nice when I was laughing. That felt good. Now, when I bought this the other day, I played the B-side first.

Starting point is 00:59:47 B-side is an instrumental. Well, as we've often discovered on novelty tracks, the B-side's usually got a bit more integrity, musically. Yes, especially with cut-in records. And we talked about that sub-genre before, the cut-in record instrumental B-side. And this is very much in that ilk, isn't it? It's quite a nice instrumental.

Starting point is 01:00:09 It's a little bit of a country. It's country but it's got a lot of piano and it's kind of soulful isn't it yeah are you gonna should we play a bit of that first we should brace them because it's not just your average common or garden country and western song there's a little bit of moog in it there is a lot of moog and sound effects and then i'm only going to play like a minute of this but i'm going to pick a bit that encompasses everything within this song that we like. So the jingly... Well, here's the thing. I don't like the mix of it. I feel like the musical part doesn't fit the vocal part.

Starting point is 01:00:34 It doesn't have a kind of punch. It kind of feels like it's just a kind of dead backing track that he's riffing on about being a little man. The moog pops through. The moog pops through. Yeah. The moog. But then it kind of over...

Starting point is 01:00:44 It kind of over- kind of over eggs everything I mean I know what you mean about the mix but I think in terms of sort of standard of musicianship oh yeah that's fine

Starting point is 01:00:52 it's really good and did you notice at the end they do that sort of repeated phrase like it's got a bit of flair the way that they they play the end

Starting point is 01:00:58 it just seems to be a weird mix where I think you should play the end as well as the beginning play two segments no I'm just going to play one segment I'm going to play

Starting point is 01:01:04 the bit I fucking like. And if people want to know, I'll put a link into the video on YouTube. All right. It is worth checking out the whole song. It's a story song about he's a little man. And he's traveling with his wife. Yeah. And he goes into a bar and someone starts on him.

Starting point is 01:01:17 A big guy starts on him. Yeah. And then his wife starts on the guy, basically. And then his dog starts on the guy. A lot of these are just excuses to get sound effects in there is a lot of sound effects of boings and woofs

Starting point is 01:01:27 and all sorts and then his wife gets hit by a plank the guy hits his wife with a plank which isn't very nice yeah it's not very nice don't do that

Starting point is 01:01:33 but you have the classic and also the cuckoo cuckoo which is like a cartoon I love it and basically it starts with this which you'll play

Starting point is 01:01:42 which is this extreme moog figure really squelchy as fuck it's a squelchy moog it's a proper Basically, it starts with this, which you'll play, which is this extreme Moog figure. Really squelchy as fuck Moog. It's a squelchy Moog. It's a proper farty squelchy Moog. Proper, proper Moog. Proper mulch-y for a bitch.

Starting point is 01:01:56 But then, and I am convinced. Squelchy Moog. Mate, because there are a lot of sound effects for the things that are happening in the story. Like there's a dog. But they wouldn't come from a Moog. And then there's, I'm sure some of them are made by the MOOG. Maybe some. But I'm pretty sure the rest of it

Starting point is 01:02:08 would just be samples, right? But the first one, he came from somewhere cold and you have this sort of wind, icy wind. And that's definitely done on a synthesizer. Maybe, yeah. That's more likely.

Starting point is 01:02:18 And I think the police turn up at some stage and then you hear sirens. They are definitely done on a MOOG as well. All right. And there's gunshots. Maybe not the dog barking. And maybe the gunshots, I don't think.

Starting point is 01:02:28 You could do it all by fiddling with a skilled technician on a moog and do all sorts of things. Oh, I just don't, I mean, fair enough, but to my ear,

Starting point is 01:02:37 some sounds were very more obviously moog and some just sounded more like a sample. Yeah, dropped in. Interesting though, eh? Let's play this bugger. It's called Little Man.

Starting point is 01:02:46 We were sitting at a table, about half south on the biggest man in the whole darn house, poured a glass of beer down the front of my sweet wife's dressing room. Well, accidents happen, so I let him alone, but he done it again and the fight was on. Everybody likes to pick on me, but I'm a little man. Well, I hit him in the belly, and I hit him in the chin, and he'd just stand there and look at me and grin, because I'm a little man. When he come up swinging like I figured he would, he knocked my wife just as far as he could, across two tables and into the little boy's room.

Starting point is 01:03:42 Well, I hit him in the teeth with a bottle of beer and I've seen his eyes begin to stir. You don't ever want to underestimate your little man. And that's all we know about it. Because there's very little online about it.

Starting point is 01:03:55 There is fuck all about this man. But we do know Discogs say that they... Are you going to play a bit of the B-side? Yeah, I can do that. Please, just play a little bit now

Starting point is 01:04:03 just so they get a flavour of that. Here's a little bit of the B-side. Yeah, I can do that. Please, just play a little bit now, just so they get a flavour of that. Here's a little bit of the B-side. Thank you. so lovely nice i like nice it's really nice it's nice and chill but that's what i mean the the quality of musicianship does seem to be apparent on both sides okay the playing is good definitely on that b-side a poor you found out on discogs the b-side is attributed to actually a group yes the group disc itself is attributed to him logan smith but the group are called what it's a different page now i don't know can. Can you look for me? For fuck's sake. Logan Smith, Little Man. Discogs.

Starting point is 01:05:28 Right. So, Down on the Farm is the B-side we just listened to, right? Yeah. So, the same two sides originally released on Astro 6003 around 1970. Oh, it was released

Starting point is 01:05:37 on a different label? Put separately. Ah. The B-side is an instrumental incorrectly credited to Logan Smith. It is actually by Blackwell, whose memberships include John Rabbit Bundrick. They've obviously a very accomplished sort of country instrumental outfit.

Starting point is 01:05:53 And also, isn't that funny that it's misattributed? Because that's what happened when we looked into those cut-up B-sides was all over the place as well, wasn't it? Yeah, this single came out in 70, 1970. So originally... It's the height of the moog yeah down on the farm was released a year earlier ah oh there you go but um there's not much more than that about logan moore there's no wikipedia there's not things so i went to the youtube page it's good and i looked at the comments and it was kind of weird because it feels like a

Starting point is 01:06:19 lot of these people are discovering the song for the first time like oh this is good and some people like seem to have a knowledge of Logan Smith. A personal knowledge of what happened to him. We know what his wife was called. Yeah. On YouTube, you look for the video,

Starting point is 01:06:32 someone goes, I played this with Logan a thousand times. And someone goes, was he married to Sandy Smith? Don't know who Sandy Smith is. Yes, Logan and Sandy were married in the early 60s.

Starting point is 01:06:40 Then someone called Dag says, oh, this peaked at number 63 in 1974, which seems to be strange since the record was in the 70s. Because it called Dag says, oh, this peaked at number 63 in 1974, which seems to be strange since the record was in 1970. Because it came out in 1970, yeah. Which is odd. Awesome.

Starting point is 01:06:51 Tell me more about Sandy Smith. What happened to her, Paul? Well, this is the thing, right? Someone says, I remember this being pretty popular. Does anyone have any more information on Logan and Sandy? And then this is a badly written reply,

Starting point is 01:07:03 but I'll pass it. It does have some info info doesn't it yeah so logan passed away in the hospital at least 15 years ago with sandy following a few years later we sat around his bed and sang and visited him as he was heading out implying that you know he's dying yeah he was in a coma but his sister who claims he was psychic and then puts a winky smiley face in the message said he was hearing us i love that detail that the the psychic was saying oh yeah he's hearing us sandy she's just trying to reassure everyone while they're grieving i guess that's the sort of is that a nicer side of being a psychic

Starting point is 01:07:34 the fakeness of it oh mate that's a deep question because some people like well it's bringing peace to people who are what she was doing there is different from setting up a business as a medium and having an audience oh no he can hear us it's good it's good for him because she's they're grieving there so they're so but what

Starting point is 01:07:49 if he's saying yeah I can hear you but your fucking mouth I want some peace don't want you fucking singing at me or he or if she might the fake psychic might be

Starting point is 01:07:56 saying oh he's telling you yeah he can hear us and it's great and he's saying leave me money in the will or yeah he could have been saying that yeah he knows he says just

Starting point is 01:08:03 put your cock in his limp hand and do back and forth. That's a pervy sidekick. And I'm going to film it. She was related, Paul. Yeah, well, usually sisters are.

Starting point is 01:08:12 Right, so they talk about that and then someone else goes, yes, thanks, I just found this video because I was watching a documentary about how the police abused Sandy

Starting point is 01:08:21 and raided her house because she was growing plants that they claimed looked like marijuana, but it wasn't. Sad she's gone, though. Lovely lady. Someone replies who posted the video saying, Sandy got a good lawyer and turned it around on them. Helicopter swap teams and everything.

Starting point is 01:08:36 Stuff that did not even look like pot, but they took garbage bags full of it, to be sure. Crazy. And then someone goes, yeah, power corrupts. The police make me sick. Glad Sandy got her day in court and turned it around on sure. Crazy. And then someone goes, yeah, power corrupts. The police make me sick. Glad Sandy got her day in court and turned it around on them. Wow. So she was raided,

Starting point is 01:08:50 falsely raided. I wonder what she was growing. Something else. Plants that look like marijuana. But the funny thing is, do we think Sandy is a big woman as described in the song? Because he describes his wife

Starting point is 01:09:01 being 200 pounds. Well, they put a link to a song Sandy did elsewhere on YouTube. Oh, let's see. So I'm just going to find for that because there's a link to that. I'm interested

Starting point is 01:09:11 because she might be a quite good singer or country artist. There's a link to a video here. What's it called? I don't know what this is. This is Big Willie Nelson, Big Booty.

Starting point is 01:09:20 Oh, this is Willie Nelson. This isn't Sandy Shaw. Is she on this? Big Sandy. She's a woman in the video. This isn't Sandy Shaw. Is she on this? Big Sandy. She's a woman in the video. Oh. She's behind the bar. Is she big?

Starting point is 01:09:29 I think it's that woman with the glasses. She's big, yeah. She is big. She's a big girl. Oh, that's his wife. Yeah. It's funny. So she's in a video with Willie Nelson.

Starting point is 01:09:38 That's funny. Willie Nelson, of course. What would his sex thing be then? Willie Dickson. Willie Nelson. It's just Willie Nelson, isn't it? It's just Willie Nelson. Fanny Nelson.

Starting point is 01:09:51 There you go. Everyone's happy for Eli. So I think there was one more thing. There she is. She was a big girl. She looks a bit like Lodge Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure, if you wanted a visual analogy. So that's a little detail

Starting point is 01:10:05 we've discovered as well that he is actually talking that song although it's a silly novelty song is in some way autobiographical isn't it yeah because his wife is actually big and probably larger than him because he's a little man and then that's it then someone's put some quotes in well i hit him in the belly and i hit him in the chin and he just stood there and looking me in grin and i knew I got a wildcat by the tail or my sweet little wife weighs 200 pounds.

Starting point is 01:10:28 And she hit him, he hit the ground. She can hit a little harder than me because I'm a little man. Yeah. You know what? It's not bad. It's not a bad lyric.

Starting point is 01:10:36 It's quite a sort of engaging little comic ditty. Yeah, where it's like, you know, you mess with me, you mess with my big wife. Yeah. Yeah, and that's fine. And then she chins him.

Starting point is 01:10:44 And the Moog comes into the beginning, but then there's a little Mo and that's fine. And then she chins him. And the Moog comes in at the beginning, but then there's a little Moog solo interlude, which I appreciated as well. You think the Moog represents the woman, Sandy? Possibly. You think maybe? I'm just putting it out there. It's like they look at Sandy and think,

Starting point is 01:10:56 bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. I like the whole efficiency, the way they had a Moog and they used it for the sound effects. Yeah. And they used it for, like, the instrumentation as well. Although I'm torn. Between what saw it's when you were putting that dildo up there it was too big for the ring but we can't find anything else out about this but I thought that

Starting point is 01:11:16 was funny because it that thing about her getting raided by the police was almost like an incident like in the song the police tone up in the song as well so it's all I'm sorry I wasn't listening mate I was literally just looking through Nashville music artists to come up with more porn names such as

Starting point is 01:11:30 no what have we got one's called Big and Rich that just stands I'm leaving that one for Noshville you've killed my Hank Williams

Starting point is 01:11:38 wank wank my willy jam wank wank my willy jam wank my willy jam wank willy jam aww come on then Paul let's wrap this up Wank my willy jam. Wank my willy jam out. Wank pistilums. Wank willy jam. Come on then, Paul.

Starting point is 01:11:49 Let's wrap this up. Now, I need from you to tell me whether you believe this week's Silverman's platter is a platter or a splatter. I mean, I'll go first. Clearly, a platter for me. It had a fucking lovely squelchy farty mood. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm torn on. I don't know if I want it to be a platter or a splatter. Why?

Starting point is 01:12:12 Because I don't particularly like the song that much, but it's a curio. And what about the B-side? You like the B-side, don't you? The B-side's nice. But does it overall cumulatively make me want to give it a splatter? It's definitely a platter, but you've given much worse records than this, Platters. Yeah, maybe.

Starting point is 01:12:24 I'm just a little bit being a bit tough on it, I think. You're being a dick about it. I'm not being a dick. I'm trying to give you a splatter. It's definitely a platter. But you've given much worse records than this, Platters. Yeah, maybe. I'm just a little bit being a bit tough on it, I think. You're being a dick about it. I'm not being a dick. I'm trying to give you my honest opinion. My honest opinion is

Starting point is 01:12:30 I don't know whether it's a platter or a splatter. It's in between for you, is it? I'm on the fence. You're on the fence. I'm riding the splinters. But it's a definite platter from me and I'd recommend it.

Starting point is 01:12:38 Well, that's all we've got time for for this segment. I'm off to listen to some lovely Nashville music. Stop trying so hard, paul they want to see behind the mask behind the the wanky mouth yeah and see the real person yeah inside yeah yeah paul you still with me i just love waylon jabbing so much shut up right let's end this right right that's the end

Starting point is 01:13:07 of the cheap show for another week we've run out of time but we'll see you next Friday so until then take care of yourselves take care everyone

Starting point is 01:13:14 let's just do some admin first shall we do some admin Paul as I like to say one stop shop thecheapshow.co.uk there are links to everything

Starting point is 01:13:22 links to merch links to videos links to episodes with pictures to links to videos links to episodes with pictures to accompany said episodes link to the magazine link to ticket to the leicester comedy festival in february next year it's all there just go to the cheap show.co.uk pictures of knitwear yeah all the lovely stuff that nicky gave us thank you very much again for those lovely items what else twitter might be on fire right now but if you want to join twitter or you want to find us are we going to Master Don Paul?

Starting point is 01:13:45 I don't fucking know mate hey couldn't you have a dirty version of Twitter called Mass Debate Mass have you heard that pun before? yes

Starting point is 01:13:52 as in and Mass Debate which is no that's like one of the oldest jokes you can make about the phrase or the term

Starting point is 01:13:59 Mass Debate I've never heard that before you've never heard about doing the thing sir when are we going to have a Mass Debate in class have you heard that before? yes I never heard about doing the thing. Sir, where are we going to have a mass debating class?

Starting point is 01:14:06 Have you heard that before? Yes, I did it. I fucking did it in those classrooms. And was told off for being a fucking idiot. Oh, really? Yeah, of course. So, at the Cheap Show pod, I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is. Always the last to know about juicy puns. But my Twitter handle is Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

Starting point is 01:14:23 And Eli also has a fortnightly Sunday show on Soho Radio and you can find past episodes where at blogspot facebook blogspot

Starting point is 01:14:32 forward slash House of Pickles sound show just go to the website or just look for Soho Radio Soho Radio website House of Pickles sound

Starting point is 01:14:40 and the last show we did just yesterday yeah was a very good one Paul give a listen to that because there's some good music in there. Absolutely. And it opened your ears to music that is outside of the remit of

Starting point is 01:14:50 this podcast. Absolutely. If you are a Patreon subscriber, supporter, thank you so much. It means a lot to us that you continue to support this podcast and we hope the extra content we give you, you enjoy. If you want to get on board with that, it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And as I always like to say, give what you can but only if you can. If you want to get on board with that, it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

Starting point is 01:15:05 And as I always like to say, give what you can, but only if you can. If you're not able to, don't worry. Spread the word, social media, get the word out there. That is a lovely thing for us as well. The House of Pickle Sound Show is the name of my radio show on Soho Radio.

Starting point is 01:15:18 All right, good. And... And that's it? I think that's it, yeah. I don't want to do any more faffing about. I peaked with Marlon Jabbing. Oh, my God. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:15:28 Stop milking Jabbing. I would like to milk my Jabbing. I know. By which you mean you'd like to spunk out end of cock. Spunk out end of cock. Spunk out end of cock. Oh, my Jabbing. Spunk out end of cock.

Starting point is 01:15:43 I've spunked out my cock. I've spunked out the end of my cock. Is that really what you wanted to end with? I don't want to end with anything. The farmer's in his dell. The farmer's in his dell. He's milking his titty wife. The farmer's in his dell.

Starting point is 01:15:58 The titty goes in the jar. The titty milk goes in the jar. We drink it on a Sunday And I grow my forearms He grows his forearms So I can lift the cow So I can lift the cow I raise it up by bullets But I get some cream in my mouth

Starting point is 01:16:14 The cat goes meow I'm editing all of this out The cat goes meow It licks my bum when I put the chum on my bum And the cat goes meow And then the dog comes in The naughty dog comes in The dog licks the chum on my bum and the cat goes meow and then the dog comes in the naughty dog comes in

Starting point is 01:16:26 the dog licks the chum off my arse and loves a bit of it and then look at that it's a dog another cat's

Starting point is 01:16:32 come in the room it moves the dog out of the way and then it snarfs my arse on two how about that that's it for this

Starting point is 01:16:41 week and on that note bye bye goodbye everyone bye And on that note, goodbye everyone. Bye. My plans are coming together. Oh, I've got the plans. And when it all falls into place,

Starting point is 01:17:06 I'll be the last man standing. Who's that? Who? I should have done this in their studio. Getting out of here. Is anyone in here?

CheapShow - Ep 308: Mulchy Fibbage

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