CheapShow - Ep 309: Noodle Pot Blitz

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

It’s been a little while, but Paul and Eli are back in the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen to cram in as many noodle delights as possible. This week Eli has harvested six various types of instant cup noodles and they are quite the assortment of flavours, brands, and styles. Which of the range will come out on top? It probably won’t be the cup noodle that is out of date, that’s for sure! There is also a big, chunky “Price of Shite” which contains am exciting collection of charity shop items from the USA, which is exciting for Paul but even more exciting for Eli when he gets too excited over the “blind bad” offerings. It’s Paul Vs Eli in an epic PoS for the ages, as one will crash and burn and the other will smash it out of the park! Who will it be? You’re going to have to listen, aren’t you? See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-309-noodle-pot-blitz And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

When do you ever perform top-notch? Sometimes I do, like at the live show, especially during... No, you don't, especially during the second half of a show when you fucking shit the bed. Especially during the Plasticine King section. When you give up. I did particularly well during the Plasticine... Plasticine King! The Plasticine King!

Super flag guy! Gonna take you higher! Plasticine King! Gonna take you low! Something different. Okay, I'm ready. What have you got business to do? Uh... Have you started? Yeah. I don't know whether to believe you. You can see. Okay, I'm ready. What have you got business to do?

Have you started? Yeah. I don't know whether to believe you. You can see the little red light. I have something to actually say, Paul. Go on then, Mr.

Silverman. Tell me what you want to say this week. Is it words of contrition? All those other words you've been

getting wrong recently. What do you mean words of contrition? Words to correct the words you said wrong previously. I didn't say no words wrong last week.

Oh, you know what? Fuck you. I just don't care. What did I do wrong? I can't remember. I should have taken notes. I have something say no words wrong last week. You know what? Fuck you. I just don't care. What did I do wrong? I can't remember. I should have taken notes. I have something to say. Already you've fucked it up. No, you're actually doing very well. Eli, you weigh 22 pounds

and over 76. I do not weigh 20. Maybe I do. What's 22? I don't know. 22 pounds is tiny. It's tiny. I think it'd be like a hedgehog. Yeah. Sorry, what have you got to say? Paul, you did so well last week, and we all want to congratulate you about that, okay?

You know, you've brought to life, you've created, nay, discovered a foundational element of the show going forward. That little pagan wet boy that we all know and love now. The one that's gone straight to our hearts. Straight to our hearts, okay? Yeah. We all know of whom now the one that's gone straight to our hearts straight

to our hearts okay yeah we all know who i who of whom should i speak yes because i want to evoke him and he'll manifest and he's not here he's in your gaff we're at the uh we're in the harrow house the harrow house of horrors today the harrow house of horrors yeah i just wanted to say so don't you are you deserve a week off right so don't try goodbye everyone see you next week no you stay here but don't you don't have to be funny don't

you don't don't be funny should I not be funny this week that's fine you're doing brilliantly you fucker right welcome to the cheap show

no honestly Paul keep it going welcome to the cheap show no this is great you fucking trumpet I hate you and your fucking noodle posse People love noodles

It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Off-brand rap Off-brand rap It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle It's the Cheap Show, the Cheap Show podcast

We're here to make you sing and dance laugh It's the Cheap Show, the Cheap Show podcast My name's Paul Gannon and that's Eli Silverman It's the Cheap Show, the Cheap Show podcast. My name's Paul Gannon and that's Eli Silverman. It's the podcast. Blow it out your arse. Shut up, that was going really well. It was not. And stop going offside of the mic, you maverick twat. Now. Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus. focus focus focus cheap show blowing out your welcome to the cheap show podcast the cheap show podcast it is the economy comedy podcast comedy comedy podcast where every week eli silverman gets on my fucking nerves and i want to lamp him

eli silverman gets on my nerves and i want to fucking lamp him oh you're tiring today aren't you you are tiring fucking little scrotally bellend. Your arse looks like a tyre ring. It does, actually. Once I'm finished with it. Right now, my arse feels like a blown out tyre that's put a car out on the motorway. I had a plop this morning.

Oh, this is great. It nearly teared me inside out. Honestly, it really makes a refreshing change to fucking dog sex to have you fucking go on about your ass. I'm so glad. I love these bits. Please.

I'm changing the mood lighting. There we go. That's emergency. Oh, wait, no. I've done it on flash. Hang on. That's not the right one. There we go.

That's like an emergency brothel. Now I've mood lighted the place. Because it's already dark. It's in the afternoon. It's dark. But now we've got a nice purple view. I'm liking this, Paul. Yeah, nice, chill, relaxed state really dark. It's in the afternoon. It's dark, but now we've got a nice purple view. I'm liking this, Paul. Yeah, nice,

chilled, relaxed state of mind. It is Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears. Which we go through the undergrowth

of grimly grumbly. I can't stop it. I'm sorry. I got carried away. Every week we go through the bargain bins of charity shops

and powerlands of this great isle we call Great Britain and we find great things and then we grate upon your temper. A little mention, Paul, and I'll send you the photo later, but I just found a really great Frankenstein's monster in the revamped mind in Camden Town. Excellent. Did you see that?

You saw it. Yeah. Question. I'm moving on because I don't care. Question. I'm just saying, people want to know about stuff we found in charity shops like that. What's your fucking question? Don't shut down my Frankenstein talk.

People want to know he had translucent head and arms and was made from a Burger King Happy Meal thing. What were they called? It wasn't made from a Burger King Happy Meal thing. What were they called? How does a Burger Meal... Good Mood Burger Meal.

Good Burger... Happy Meal thing, innit? Happy Burger Meal. It's gone off the rails already. Slightly, slightly cheerful meal. meal good mood burger meal good burger happy burger meal it's gone off the rails already slightly slightly cheerful meal jolly bites

cheerful snack what are they called burger king jolly boxes they're not called jolly boxes they are look it up online they're called

the burger king jolly box that's not true that's what I call my junk come on darling the burger king come on darling oh darling it comes with a free toy which is my fucking fingers Burger King. No, yeah. Come on, darling. Oh, darling. It comes with a free toy.

Which is my fucking fingers. It's a fucking grabby monkey claw. Anyway, what are we doing? I don't know. Question. Do you know what's up? Question. Don't say question like that.

I know I do it, but it's really horrible. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm doing it. So can I ask you? Question. Question. If you're in a charity shop and you buy a double album, and the overall price has a sign on the wall saying,

every album, one pound, right? Every vinyl album, one pound, including the doubles. And you get one, but it's only got one of the double albums in. Are you prepared to still pay that pound, or should I have asked for 50p off or something? No, you pay a pound, because you're paying a pound per disc. That's what they mean. Yeah, but even the double albums were a quiz.

See, that's the grey area. That's my question.. Yeah, but even the double albums were a quid. Well, see, that's the grey area. That's my question. Would you pay two for a double if there was a sign saying one pound per LP? An LP can be any number of discs, Paul. Usually one. Now, eight. One of them I haven't got. And I bought it because I haven't got it.

But it only had one of the two discs in. And it was a quid. And just for the record, I decided to just pay the quid and not make a deal about it yes because at that level that cost it's a quid isn't it it doesn't really matter yeah you're right

what's more important I would think is checking the quality of your disc there it's fine I've already that's fine is it really fine though

as good as any of the other Now albums I've bought you know that one up by that place we went to where it just made all records you know up by

Harrow Will bus station. What are you doing? Oh, mate. Don't try and make a show out of my fucking digestion. All right? Have better digestion

that doesn't interrupt the flow of this podcast. Oh, as if there's any flow. Do you know what's really doing my head in? Is that light changing? Is it?

I can't stand it. Should I put it on another colour? Just put it on something mellow that doesn't change. Jesus Christ. Yellow. I feel like I'm in a fucking... Yellow. That's mellow.

The song says so. Hello. 60s biker acid movie. Especially you in your bathing gown. I'm not in my dressing gown. You're like a fucking relaxed, sort of slightly older Henry Fonda character. I'm Pooh Hefner. You're Pooh H character. No, and Pooh Hefner. Pooh Huffner.

Yeah, Pooh Huffner. Here we go. Together we nailed it, Eli. Pooh Huffner. Pooh Huffner. And he does Pooh Boy magazine. Yeah, Pooh Boy magazine. And you go to his mansion and there's just lots of Poohs.

Question. Don't stop saying that because I keep getting that Beyonce tune every time you say it. Oh, yeah. Question. You get an invite to Pooh Huffner's party house. Pooh Party? Pooh Party? Question Don't stop saying that Because I keep getting That Beyonce tune Every time you say it Oh yeah Question You get an invite To Pooh Huffner's Party house Pooh party

Pooh party Would you go No Not Pooh Huffner Pooh Huffner With his Pooh Boy magazine Oh he sounds like You should have seen

The centre spread In this month's issue Great big Top of the Monopoly bits in Oh And a little staple In the middle of it

As well Yeah because it would Be the centre part Yeah yeah yeah See what I did big turban knobbly bits in. Oh, and a little staple in the middle of it as well. Yeah, because it would be the centre fudge. Yeah, yeah, see what I did. I mean,

poo-poo is a thing. Poo-poo is a thing. Yeah. You keep returning to it this week. You could make a scat mag, couldn't you? I bet there is one.

I bet there are many. I have a scat mag. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Shut up. Anyway, what's on the show this week, Paul? What is on the show this week? I was trying to get round to saying that.

We have a Price of the Shaito. A Price of the Shaito. Price of the Shaito. It's a P.O. Box application. There's lots to get through, so we'll get started on that real soon. Price of the Shaito. And then we're going to fly to the Country Urban Noodle Kitchen and see what Noodle Eli has for us that week.

It's a very special edition of the Country Urban Noodle Kitchen which everyone has been missing especially me it's time to bring back the noodles in the groinage I've got a noodle tingle in my groin

and only a noodle can scratch it scratch the tingle yes well we'll be scratching Eli's tingle later on the show oh the shy said the prices

so let's there's no crisis we've shy said the prices that's what you were trying to do there you were trying to make me laugh there's no crisis that's what you're trying to do you're trying to make me laugh there's no crisis you're right i'm sorry i i'm not meant to be funny this week you're not meant to be funny this week yeah i'll take your lead of the last 307 episodes and try to if i could do what you do don't worry there's no crisis

you don't even know where you're going with it. With the prices to shyness. Yeah, all right. Okay. No crisis with the prices to shyness, Paul. I'm ready to play. I'm going to get those betwings. Oh, yes. The noodles will be good as well. Yes. All round good.

All round classic cheap show. All round good episode. All snort the noodle down. Oh, what a lot of fun we've got ready for you on the show tonight. And if you're wondering if there's going to be a crisis, don't worry. It's a price of the shy-sis. Price of the shy-sis. Right, well, that's what Eli's fallen in love with this week. Price of the shy-sis.

The shy-sis. The shy-sis. You don't need me for this shit, do you? Sausage, the shy-sis. Right, good. You crack on. Barney, Barney, come on. You're literally amusing yourself to death.

I know you're a dog but you can say it that's a sexy dog isn't it yeah hello oh good good yeah

good just thought I'd throw that in there no I'm looking forward for the noodles I've got lots of shit to say about noodles and where the noodle market is these days Paul and I want to get petwings from you alright well hopefully you'll get petwings from you. All right, well, hopefully you'll get petwings.

Because you abused my familiar. Oh, shut up. On the last go, didn't you? What's that mean? You fucking chatting up my familiar. Oh, yeah, I've got a familiar for this week's episode. Have you? Yeah.

Can I handle it? You can't handle my familiar. Why can't I? You were all dating mine. You were dating my doppel-dickle-dangler. Doppel-dickle-dangler. Doppel-dickle-dangler. I don't remember. We broke up.

Fine. We had a different opinion. Who surprised the way you were treating him? Well, it's not my fault. He's a massive racist, is it? And a hate monger. And we're in this restaurant having a lovely meal and he starts talking about the skin of the guy serving us.

And I was like, I'm sorry, mate. I'm leaving this. You're just like your dad. And I marched right out of there. A dickle dunger isn't, I'm not the dad of that dickle doppel dunger. You should be.

I'm not the dad of it. Anyway, I've ghosted him now. I'm not returning text messages to him. I want to manhandle whatever thing you've got in here. All right, good.

Protect the betwings. There's my cat. What? Oh. I'm scared of your cat. Yeah, good. Tackle that, you bastard. I would not abuse a cat, sexually. I just want everyone to? Oh. Meow. I'm scared of your cat. Yeah, good. Tackle that, you bastard. I would not abuse a cat, actually.

I just want everyone to know that. No. Only Elon Musk. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Fucking makes you hate him even more, doesn't it? Yeah, it doesn't add to his list of positives, put it that way, does it? No, it really doesn't.

No one goes, oh, he might have fucked Twitter and his Tesla cars or shit, but at least he fucked a cat. No one's going to put it like that, are they? Anyway, shall we crack on with the show, Mr. Silverman? Let's get this crazy bus going to Groovetown. Ding, ding, all aboard. Chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff.

Bong, bong, bong, bong, ding-a-ling-a-ling. Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. That's a fucking rude dick. That's it, that's it. I fucking ruined it. Right, Eli, this is a little bit awkward, but I need to leave you, Eli,

and go and see Eli in the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. Go and see him then. You don't mind me stepping out for a bit? No, fuck off. Right, well then. Go out there. All right, I'm going. Bye then.

Bye, see you later. Oh, I'm going. Bye then. Bye. See you later. Oh, you want me to say anything to him? Just say, fuck you, Eli. Noodle Kitchen Eli. I'll tell him to fuck off then. Fuck off. See you later.

Cunt he is, isn't he? Just walking to the kitchen, the Noodle Test Lab Urban Kitchen. Just got to pass through the vortex, here we go. Coming through. Right, I'm through now, this is good. Here I am, just outside the door to the legendary noodle test lab urban kitchen with Professor Eli J. Silverman. Come in. Hello, it's the appointment for our country noodle urban kitchen test lab section.

I know, Paul. I heard you do the stupid mouth noises. I wasn't. I was passing through a fucking vortex. Bullshit. Vortex. Hello there. Hello, Paul. Hello, Mr. Silverman. Hello, Eli.

What have you got for us today? Welcome back to the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. And have I got a Test Lab kitchen episode for you today? I hope so. The answer is yes. And let me introduce a new sub-segment of the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen, Paul. It's a little sub-section,

a little sub-segment I like to call Pot Blitz. I have. Are you ready? Pot Blitz. You need to tell me what a Pot Blitz is before you just tell me. What can you see before you?

I see six potted noodle food snacks. These are noodle pots. Pot Noodle, biggest brand in Britain, of course, but invented in 1970, I believe, the Cup Noodle, the original Pot Noodle. Now, it's an expanding market in this country, Paul. Even Pot Noodle have got a new one, which we'll be testing during our Pot Blitz today.

It's one of their Fusion range. Fusion? What does that mean? It's just a bunch of new recipes they've started, basically, I think. And they're more like, and they've got again a sort of ersatz oriental dragon. So I think they're trying to be more

sort of the Far East. Rather than Bombay Bad Boy, which is obviously India. And it's also muck. Have you had a Bombay Bad Boy? Yeah more, yeah. Rather than Bombay Bad Boy, which is obviously India. And it's also muck. Have you had a Bombay Bad Boy? Yeah. I've never had a Bombay Bad Boy. Muck for scum.

It's not a good one. It's not my favourite. Anyhow, so we've got that. I think I've said this before, but outside of chicken and mushroom, I tend to have a hard time with pot noodles in general. I don't like,

sometimes when I'm in the mood and I've got a lot of hot sauce with me, I can go for a beef and tomato. But that would be my second choice. But other than that, I'm like, fuck this.'ve got a lot of hot sauce with me I can go for a beef and tomato but that would be my second choice but other than that I'm like fuck this and we tasted their

they went without the pot do you remember recently yeah potless and we fucking hated it and then I saw on an ad oh we've improved it literally begging

that's cheap shows done that I know they'll deny it they won't say it to the press and they won't say it in public but behind closed doors we know all names have been mentioned basically in reverence totally have and fear they say it to the press and they won't say it in public, but behind closed doors, we know all our names have been mentioned. Basically.

In reverence. Totally have. And fear. They fucking listen to the Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. Yeah. They listen for the fucking, the noises coming out of the Test Lab kitchen. What kind of noises are you... This is a prop blitz.

So not only are we going to taste one of the new pot noodle fusions, we've got the chili chicken flavour here, Paul. Chili chicken flavour there but I bought this num num instant noodle curry flavour this was in Morrison's

and it's dirt cheap under a quid it looks very basic three minutes let's see this brand Naked have you heard of them

I know of Naked what do they do apart from these I think I've seen them I think I've had one of those once and I don't remember loving it too much anyway I would like to taste these for a long time so I've got a. I think I've had one of those once, and I don't remember loving it too much. Anyway, I would like to taste these for a long time.

So I've got a naked sweet chilli Thai style egg noodle. You don't usually get an egg noodle pot. And then we've got this. Do you think they're trying to compete with, what's that high street noodle restaurant? Uzo? Uzi? Uno?

Wagamama no you know the one Udon Udon Udon is a style of noodle it's a fat what's that place that was over the road from

Soho Radio that does Chinese meals or Asian meals and you can get takeaways and they have a brand of their own

takeaway food now in supermarkets walk to walk walk to walk walk to walk Leon what are you talking about forget this now forget this now They have a brand of their own takeaway food now in supermarkets. Walk to walk. Walk to walk. Walk to walk. Leon. What are you talking about? Forget this now.

Forget this now. You don't know shit for noodles. Goku. Goku? Itsu. Itsu. Yeah, Itsu. That's why I've got one here, mate.

Just leave it to me. Who's the noodle fucking expert? You totally distracted us with your... Don't! Fuck this. I'm going home. No! No, come back! Fuck this. I'm going home. No, no, come back!

Fuck this, I'm going back for the... Come back for the pot blitz, come on. My mouth hurts, put the... His mouth hurts because he had his tooth fixed, ladies and gentlemen. Update. I'm no longer Whistley Silverman, but I am, like, Lippy Silverman. So? No longer Eli Clitchipper Silverman.

Now, we're going to try that naked. We're going to try the really cheap num num. We're going to try the pot noodle fusion. This is a wrap snack. Oh, yeah, someone sent that in a PO box. We had two of these, and I believe they are... I've never heard of a whole range of snacks being named after one genre and having it...

Have you ever seen anything like that? Like noodle disco. Yeah, imagine it was like Legends of the Blues snacks. Do you know what I mean? So, strange. BGs,

PGs, tips. No, but the BGs, there's only four of them or whatever. There was five. They're all dead anyway. Are they all dead now?

I think they're close to being all dead. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. You're the fucking tosser. So here's the thing. It's just bullshit whatever noodle, but it's got...

I believe... It's sponsored by a wrap person. They do crisps as well. And each product has a different wrapper on it. And I think they go for soul food or sort of African-American cuisine flavours. This is a creamy chicken gumbo

which is what I produce yeah yeah yeah hey quick question it says here there's no limit to success do you agree yeah I'd say there were limits who's the rapper on the feature

it says helpfully Master P helpfully, Master P. And what does Master P do? I think he was a New York guy. Don't quote me. This is what recording means. I'm quoting you by recording it. I'm just saying, I'm not 100% sure. I think Master P was a New York guy.

1990s. But he's obviously a big name. Itsu. Terrible brand of high street noodle and goyosa merchants yeah who i because they're next to soho radio and i've been totally hung over there's nothing nearby and i have to hurry i've been eating recently right there's sushi's okay but their noodles very disappointing and they have a line and we've been looking to taste their pot noodles as well paul these are on the more expensive end of things one pound 30 it's to eat beautiful rice noodles chili miso it's a vegetarian and then as a sort of comparison to all of these cheap ones we've got possibly one of the fanciest pot noodles i've

ever bought in my life this is a collaborative noodle collaboration between nissan who are the best obviously the originators of the company and shoy ru which is a chain of ramen restaurants they've collaborated it's a collab noodle product and this was two pound fifty so the the artistry masters this is the ramen masters two masters great master right the masters are Nissen and Shoi-Ru. So what they're doing is they're bringing the restaurant prestige to the success of the Nissen way of delivering noodles in an instant. On the go, noodle experience when you just want it. I'll read what it says. I'll read the blurb here for you, Paul.

Yeah, blurb me. It says, Nissen, inventor of cup noodles, not right, teams up with Shorayu, a leading Japanese ramen restaurant chain in the UK. This is the UK special product. A signature recipe created by two masters. There you go. Shall we prepare these fucking pots for the pot blitz, Paul? I mean, I presume they're all prepared the same way.

No. What, pour water in, close lid, settle for a few minutes, eat. No, because some of them may have sachets within which you need to remove and either add before you had the hot water or leave to the side and add after you've done it and also there's different timings this noodle ramen master's four minutes let's just have a little little look okay what does ramen master say take it off pour it on four minutes you're minutes, you're done. Okay. To the fill line. I'll have a fill line.

Not simples. Never simples, Paul. Then we've got the itsu rice noodles. What do they say? Five minutes? Fuck them. They're such cunts,

aren't they? Why is the paper all, why has it got a thing here? Because you take that off, that's sort of to recycle. They're shit. It's all over, it's over,

overdone, isn't it? Five minutes, give it a stir, so that's even longer. Master P. It's all over, it's over, overdone, isn't it? Five minutes, give it a stir, so that's even longer. Master P. Let's do it by ranking. That's five minutes, four minutes. So that way when you pour them out, you know where to start with. Okay, okay, okay. Good. See, I'm thinking. Oh, there's a little thing about who Master P is here.

Oh, go on. Born and raised in New Orleans. Oh, of course, because that's gumbo's and... Yeah, so they've tied it to his... They've tied it to the area of the States, yeah. Growing up in poverty, his name was Percy Miller. In poverty, he understood the value of hard work, sacrifice and an education. Master P says the key to success is knowledge,

investing in yourself and never giving up. Fine. I'm bored. Yeah, it's fine. Master P fine don't care whatever yeah is he dead creamy gumbo i don't know if he's dead i don't know i was wondering if all these are named after dead or alive or whatever there's some that are dead and there's some that are alive i think it's just rap it's big names in rap now what does it say how do you make this where does it say? How do you make this? Where does it say how you make it? Here we go cooking fold it halfway add room temperature water to inside

Line yeah microwave. Oh boiling water. They've got a microwave one Basically you add it Three minutes. Yeah next and you know what it says This is sold in the States and they have to be like says don't boil water in there. Well, because in America, a lot of people don't own kettles, which is why they're saying room temperature water than the microwave, because no one owns kettles in America.

Good point. Very good point. But it does say don't try and boil the water in there. Yeah, well, you wouldn't. You wouldn't put that on top of the stove unless you were fucking... I got this little pretty little noodle box I'm going to pour in the water

and put it on the stove and boil it up. Oh, but your boss, why is my house a burden? Why is my house a burden? There was that, remember there was that trick you could show your friends from that book

where you put water in a, you boil it in a paper cup. So, then we got, then what we got? Are you saying we should attempt to boil this in a cup? Okay, here we go. Preparation, four minutes.

Which one's that for? The naked. Naked. So, four minutes on naked. Oh, look, it's got a similar tear-away section on the outside packaging. Tear away, tear away, tear away. Then we've got the fusion.

One, remove sachet. Two. Two minutes, give it a stir. Yeah, fine. It's the only one that's mentioned the sachet so far, isn't it? Let's get the sachet out. Because that's the little gimmick for pot noodles, isn't it? Hot sauce. There's always a garnish sauce which i quite like it's nice in the you know for what it is right let's get these all open hang on and which one's this one the num num did you do the num num i didn't but it's just pour the on three minutes same recover

water so three which three minutes three minutes what was that one? Two minutes, then stir, then one minute. So, right, so there. So it's in this order, then. So itsu, master ramen, naked noodle, master pea num num pot noodle. Okay. Let's get this boiling, and then let's taste these fuckers, Paul. Right. Let's have a quick look inside.

Well, you've got some nice-looking, actually, rice noodles in the itsu one. I don't like rice noodles. Look at the thickness of that broth powder in the Nissan the two masters already you can just see the quality really nice smell oh that's got really yeah yeah rich umami smell okay there was it there's a sauce sachet in the soup but that's like me so that you add. Let's have a look in here. I'm not opening any of these lids full way because... No, no, you've got to hold them off. Oh, no.

Oh, naked. Oh, no. Naked is bad quality! It's the... It's come away in my hands! It's come away in his hand, the little peelable... I'm coming to use a fucking knife.

I bet... Very poor. He doesn't want us to reseal. Well... No, you can't... That is... Look at the shit that is. What are you meant to do with that?

That looks like someone smashed up a brick of shredded wheat. Where's the fucking flavour? Doesn't it? It looks like shredded wheat's been smashed up and put into a box. What the fuck is on? What is this even about?

Where's the fucking flavour meant to be? It meant to be sweet chilli. Where's the sweet chilli? No sachet. There's no sachet in there. What are you meant to do with that? I don't even know. Master P? Let's have a look. There's no sachet in there. What are you meant to do with that? I don't even know. Master P?

Let's have a look. It's just... Yeah. Yeah. It's got a bit of a stale smell, has to be said. Oh, mate, it smells like a library book.

That's not good. Well, it is old because someone gave it to us about two years ago. Do we not eat that one? I'm good tasting it because I do things. I do.

I make sacrifices. I used to eat worms in school because I was desperate. I make sacrifices. I used to eat well at school because I was desperate for attention. Yeah, I was. I used to say the word Adidas wrong for the exact same reason. Oh, now. Num Noms, all these really cheap ones

have a terrible plastic disposable fork. What? It's a Brucey bonus. And it's got two sachets in the Num Nums, which is the cheapest. You've got the dehydrated veg. Of course you have to put that in. Of course you've got it in.

Now, let's get this in. Right, I just want to take a quick picture. Anyway, look, before you pour it in, I'll take a quick picture. But right now, we're going to leave you to just listen to the sound of a kettle boiling. And when we come back, we'll be testing all six of these monstrosities.

Delicious noodles. Monstrosities. It's a pot blitz here on the Noodle Test Lab kitchen, Paul. I'm looking forward to it. Which one do you think is going to be the nicest? Two masters. Two masters. But I'm going to say the dark horse might be num num.

Num num looks perfectly good. Yes. And he poured out the water and we had a little pot noodle blitz. And we boiled up the kettle and oh, it's made of metal and we're having a potty blitz. Pot blitz. pot noodle blitz and we've boiled up the kettle and oh I've got, it's made of metal and we're having a potty blitz. Pot blitz. Pot noodle blitz. Noodle blitz.

See you after the sound effect. Noodle pot blitz. Don't look so sad when you say that. It's so depressing. Oh my lip is numb, it's hurting. Right, kettle's boiling. Here we go, see you in a bit. Let's get this on. kettle's boiling here we go see you in a bit

right we have the hot water on all of our pots they've all been distributed and the pots are back here in the tasting don't talk to me talk to the microphone it's an audio format Eli you should know this by now I don't want to look at you

so please regard the mic well don't fucking look at me whilst we do this then I'll fucking look at you right in

your creamy old oh look he's talking at me he's disregarding his own fucking advice right I'm going to smash

up your gumbo you have how about that? You've got two implements here for the tasting Paul. Yeah. Broth spoon.

Broth spoon. When will I will I be famous? I'm a broth spoon. I've got fucking Anyways fork. Do you remember they used to have

like Grolsch bottle lids on their Did they? On their shoes. Yeah that was their whole thing. They had a whole fashion thing. And here's your fork for the, that was their whole thing. They had a whole fashion thing.

And here's your fork for the... The little ceramic corks. Yeah. They had them on their boots. And you wonder why bros are dead. Now... Which one should we start with first? The cheapest, the Num Num.

Num Num. It's well ready. They're all been soaking for the allotted amount of time. The Num Num, I have to say, has a very unstable container. Feels like your liquid will soak through there. This is a curry flavour. It looks very basic. What's the niff-niff like?

It's all right as it stands. I thought it was going to be a lot more basic than it actually is. I'll get you some of the broth. It's quite a clear curry broth. All right. What were your thoughts on the broth of the num-num then? Actually quite nice num-num broth. I'm actually surprised.

Yeah, but not too salty. It's not like it's... It's quite a very mild curry flavour, isn't it? Yeah. And it's like a chip shop curry. It's like a... No frills. There is some desiccated vegetable, which has rehydrated a treat.

Which it doesn't... The noodles look nice and pliant. It doesn't look like there's anything special on the cover, but actually when you get into it, it's kind of nice. I've eaten the noodles, they're fine. Bog standard. How much were they? I think it was like a kind of nice. I've eaten the noodles they're fine. Bog standard. How much were they? I think it was like

a quid actually. For a quid? That's fine. You think? Well you could pimp this to shit and it'd be delicious.

Put some soy in there maybe some fresh scallions. It's not unpleasant but it's a bit weak sauce. Yeah. Really is what it ultimately comes down to. Not a lot of flavour.

But it's not also lacking in anything there's still something there going on. It's perfectly good and like I say if you pimped it up with some ingredients of flavour. But it's not also lacking in anything. There's still something there going on. Perfectly good. And like I say, if you pimped it up with some ingredients

of your own choice, it'd be fine. Now. Blitzing it. Bosh. One down. There's the noodle blitz police coming to take our results later.

Oh, now. We're moving on to the naked. Now it doesn't really have a broth. It's gone all gloopy. It's gone like a soup. It's gone like a stew, hasn't it? Yeah. It looks like gloopy it's gone like a soup it's gone like a stew hasn't it yeah

it looks like gloopy minestrone yeah it's a lot thicker than I thought it was going to be this is the problem with British things

like super noodle and stuff they all get all gloopy don't they and that even though it's a dirt cheap it still has that sort of nice light broth

the clear broth do you know what I mean I'd rather have a light broth that's weak than a heavy thick sauce that's just untalented. The cornflour. Anyway, the smell on this naked... It's alright.

It's the sweet chilli. It smells alright. Do you know what? But it's gloopy. Now, you've gone in because we can't taste the broth because it's all attached to the noodles. It tastes like tomato soup. A slightly spicy tomato soup. That is terrible flavour, isn't it?

It's got no bite. It's like a soup, but with a minestrone, you're right. I'm totally getting just tomato. I'm not getting any chilli. No. I'm not getting a sweet chilli. And all the noodles are just sort of like

little stringlets, aren't they? Stringlets. That's why it's got a soupy quality. For comfort food, maybe it's passable. Just the flavour's way too weak for me there. It's also, yeah, overly tomatoey. You've even got that kind of tomato juice thing going on. That's for people who don't really like food.

Well, it's for people who don't want to be seen with a pot noodle. Now. But they want to have a pot noodle. Talking of pot noodles, Paul. Oh, we're on to the pot noodle now. We're on to the pot noodle fusion now. Okay. How much was that naked?

They're like 110. No, they were a quid as well. They're cheap. Fine. Fine. But I didn't like the taste at all. Cardboardy and tomatoey rather than any kind of chilli heat or flavour. No.

You know what I mean? I don't mind if it's not hot, but there's literally no heat. No flavour of chilli. There's nothing to back up the upfront tomato smell. Now, this is the new range from Pot Needle, Fusions. And this is their, what is this? Is this another sweet chilli one?

Chilli chicken. Chilli chicken. Chilli chicken. Chilli chicken. Again, you can't get a broth because that's the way that these British ones operate, don't they?

They operate on a thick stew. On a thick stew-y sort of. The niff is not good. Let's have a sniff. It's got a very sort of cardboard-y curry, one dimension, one note sort note curry flavour.

It smells like chilli con carne. Yeah, but don't you think that even the odour on the num num, the really cheap one, was better than that as well? Yeah, because it feels like an instant noodle, if that makes sense. Might go, anyway. I don't like the flavour. You know what? It's spicy. It's better than the naked.

I'd rather eat this than the naked. Yes, I would. The texture's better on the noodles, isn't it? They're thatch noodley noodles. The texture's better on the noodles, isn't it? They're thatch noodley noodles. The texture's better on the noodles. They've got that pliancy and they're long and they're actually... They're like noodles. And also it's got a bit of kick... heat. It does have a kick, I was gonna say, yeah.

And it's not... That's not too bad. No, it's alright. Again, the flavour not... especially the front of the flavour, not that great. Here's what I would say. If it wasn't so thick, that would almost be perfect for what it needs to be. The fact that it's a bit thick and stewy makes it fall into that

pot noodle trap of it's just gloop. Yeah. It's gloopy. I kind of want it to be thick. Although it has a kick. It has a pleasing chilli kick, for sure.

It feels under-seasoned at the front. Well, it's got that, it's got a little bit of that tomatoe at the front, but it's nowhere near as prevalent as the other one. As the naked.

Yeah, not too bad. Fine. The flavour's not... I'm not getting chilli chicken. I'm not getting any chicken. I can't get chicken out of that. No, no. I can't get chicken out of it either. Now, let's move on to these itsu.

They do have an attractive look. I've never liked the itsu stuff. They have a clear broth. Well, get your broth spoon out and let's suck the broth on this one. Already I don't like it. Chilli miso. It's meant to be a spicy miso, this broth. There's almost clear broth. Well, get your broth spoon out and let's have the... Let's suck the broth on this one. Already, I don't like it. Chilli miso. It's meant to be a spicy miso, this broth. There's almost nothing there.

It's got a sesame oil definitely on the nose. Yeah, a little bit of sesame oil. Oh, yeah, that's really flavourless and watery, isn't it? It's more like... Oh, hot water. Oh, there's a tingle. That is so weak, show. Oh, that's terrible.

Is it even worth tasting the noodles? Mate, I'm banging on the fucking thing. I'm sorry, man. People will forgive us. No, they won't. I won't forgive you? Mate, I'm banging on the fucking thing. I'm sorry, man. People will forgive us. No, they won't. I won't forgive you. Right, I'm just going to taste this, but this is the least...

This is the most underflavoured of our noodles so far, isn't it, Paul? All itsuins and stuff is underflavoured. I've been caught in this trap before, where I go, oh, this looks nice. I have it. Where is the flavour?

There is no flavour. I'm going to taste some noodles. Go on. You've had these ones before then? Not these ones, but I've had another one of their range. I can just taste very slight. Those noodles aren't great either. It says leave it for another five minutes.

Good luck. So this is meant to be five minutes, is it Sue? And it says for added flavour, leave for another five minutes. No, I don't like that. That would just turn into... It's crap, isn't it? There's nothing about that I like. Fuck that.

The texture's not good. There's no flavour. It's just turn into it's crap isn't it? There's nothing about that I like. Fuck that. The texture's not good there's no flavour it's just hot water and ribbons. Of slimy they've got no bite the noodles you know what I mean?

No. The fucking pot noodle noodles are better than those noodles. Because it gives you flavour and it's something to chew on. And it has some more chew do you know what I mean?

And some actual fucking heat. I cannot believe that. That's more like trying to hock a loogie and then slurping it back into your mouth. That's not good. The itsu is not good everyone. Itsu, chilli miso, not good. Now we've only got...

If it's a miso, it's a very, very bad miso. Yeah, there's no miso kick. There's none of that salty kick or umami. Right, do you want to eat the master pea which we hadn't mentioned but we should mention now is out of date. Master pea is severely out of date. It's the chicken the creamy chicken gumbo, Paul. This looks much more in the same ilk as the Num Num,

as a very cheap sort of product. I'm going to taste some of this broth. The smell is a bit stale. Very salty, not much flavour coming out of it. Definitely doesn't taste off, though. That's all right. We're going to find out. But not much flavour. I can't distinguish much flavour. That's alright then, that's alright. We're going to find out now. But not much flavour.

I can't distinguish much flavour. I don't know about eating that. Really? I wouldn't recommend eating that, mate. Why? Because you can taste the rot. You can't. You can kind of.

You can taste the rot. Well, I spit back in there. Oh, God. Paul can taste the rot. You couldn't taste the rot? I can taste the rot you couldn't taste the rot I can taste the rot it just tastes stale not rotten

you can taste like that mouldy book thing going on whatever that is the mites within the pages of an old library book it really has that taste that's kind of plastic cover put around it

for years it's yellowed so and the bookcase is also crumbly musty it tastes musty and dusty he's gone back

into the pot noodle to wash it out clear your palate because we're on to the good one now oh mate that's like that's the taste

equivalent of being in a cold bath and then jumping into a warm shower it's out of date we can't judge that flavour sorry

right we're on to the last one now this is we've saved hopefully the best till last well it's the most expensive by a big margin this is We've saved the Hopefully the best till last Well it's the most expensive

By a big margin How much This is £2.50 Okay Which again Is too much to pay For one of these things But

Oh he's given it He needs to give it a stir So we're given the Nissin Nissin are the originators And they're Shoi Roo Are the chain of restaurants

In London Who do Sort of High You know It's a chain But they're sort of More on the posh side

Yeah Of the ramen. Above a Wagamama, but below... Lovely nip, as we said before coming off. Can I have a sniff of that? Yeah, hang on. Oh, yeah, there's a mark. You can almost use the smell as a quality thing. Totally. Now, get some...

It's quite gloopy as well, maybe, because we've left it quite a long time. It's a thick tonkotsu-style broth. It's almost mushroomy. Oh, yeah, that's really nice. The broth is really good. Oh, and he's going to take some... Oh, that's really tasty, actually.

He's got a good taste of these. These are the two masters ramen. There are bits of mushroom. Can you see the dehydrated mushroom? Oh, yeah, mate. That's superior, yeah. I wouldn't say it's, like, awe-inspiring, but it's really comforting. That's really good. It's really cosy,

really comforting. The noodles still have some give. They still have some springiness. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. You know when you say you know what you mean? I know what you mean, you lad. I know what you mean. Did you get me? Oh, I get you. Oh, that's easily the best noodle. It feels unfair to compare them to

some of the others. But let's, we need to judge them by their own merits and give a mark. We're not going to give the wrapped snacks a mark because that was off. No.

Right, so, firstly, out of five, for num num, for what it is, I'm going to give that three. Three? It's not remarkable,

but if you're on a budget and you want a nice, simple, instant noodle, there's nothing wrong with that. And Paul, as I've said before, it's ripe for the pimping, do you know what I mean?

Since we're doing cat traders. Do you know what I'm thinking? It's ripe for a ping-ping. Try that again. Shit. You know what I'm thinking? It's ripe for a pimping. Absolutely, Paul.

Well put. Put that in a t-shirt next week. Now, moving on. Naked. Naked gets a two from me. It was very poor. Two. It's not unpleasant, but it's barely an instant noodle.

It feels more like a soup. It looks like minestrone. The texture's grotesque. And also these tiny little string-like noodles. Really kind of... You don't want that. You want the noodle hanging down. Then you get to slurp the sauce off.

Do you see what I mean? Slurp and the adventure of chewing. It's a sort of physics of the noodle. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Oh, he's gone of chewing. It's a sort of physics of the noodle. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Oh, he's gone back in for the shirayu. I think we have a winner anyway, put it that way. So we've got two from each of us on that.

Pot noodle. No, I've given that three. I like the num num much more than that. The num num we're both giving three. The naked sweet chilli we're giving a two each. Let's do pot noodle. Pot noodle, I'm saying 2.5. I'm going to say 3.5. You liked it. It's because, two reasons. One, there's flavour to it. Yes. Let's do pot noodle. Pot noodle? I'm saying 2.5. I'm gonna say 3.5.

You liked it. It's because, two reasons. One, there's flavour to it. Yes, it falls into... Had a kick. It says, look, it has three chillies. That's probably the hottest thing they do. Yeah, not that hot. It's not that hot. Well, you know. Look, compared to other pot noodles, compared to other things we've got here, this is at least tasty. There's some flavour to it. It's not too expensive. There's some texture remaining in the noodles. It gets a pass, which is why I'm giving it a 3.5. It's comfort food-y can of stuff. It's not the worst thing ever, but I'm going to say 2.5. Okay. Now we're on to the itsu. Itsu. One. One. Maybe a.75. Really poor. Really poor texture. Really poor flavour. It's just like a a sham it's a scam sham noodle

do you know what I mean it's a pretend noodle hot water and tapeworms now you guys may remember we've tasted an objectionable brand on this show before

Kabuto do you remember those yes yeah yeah with all the fake now they were there I've decided not to taste them in this Blitz because we've tasted them before

their packaging has changed yeah but I wanted to see if they've still got the objectionable faux eastern mythology and

yes it's still there fucking yeah anyway so do you want to rate that I'll say 1.25 okay

that's very generous I'm going 0.75 for that you've taken some off it's a shit noodle it's my loser of the Blitz pod I don't know what you'd get out of that

other than a really deep dissatisfaction with everything you put into your mouth. But then you have a sort of smugness about eating healthily or something. At least they've stopped with the fucking black and white photos of skinny women. Do you remember that they used to have? That was objectionable.

How much was that? That was like 120, 130. I think 140 actually. Is that the second most expensive? Yes, that was the second most expensive, the itsy. I would pay the extra £75p for that one. Okay, and... Master P gets a wipe.

We're not dealing with that. We're not dealing with Master P. It looked very much of a sort of num-num ilk. A cheap sort of noodle. If you like things that taste like discarded charity shop items, then it's a five. I've got another one of those in my room,

which I won't be eating. But then we're on to the fucking piastres, the resistance. So I'm going to give that a four. The reason why I don't want to go five is because favourite profile, not completely my cup of tea, but very satisfying,

very comfortable. It's a pork broth. That's what they're trying to do as one of those rich pork broths. Which is great. It's good. I'll go 4.25. Four.

Either way, it's the winner. And look great. It's good. I'll go 4.25. Four, either way, it's the winner. And look. And what's it called? Ramen Master Nissen, Two Masters Great Ramen, and the flavour is Hakata Tonkotsu Ramen.

Tonkotsu, yeah, refers to that pork broth, bone broth is what it is. And they've got the flavour there. Mushroomy, oniony, salty,

it's, yeah, like you say, very comforting, nice. That's a good noodle. Mushroomy, oniony, salty. It's, like you say, very comforting. Nice. That's a good noodle. Mate, I tell you, my bone has got a broth on. Put it that way. Why do all of these have a tearaway section? Maybe it's for recycling.

Yes, you can recycle, yeah. Look, this one has it. They all have that. That's a new thing. And it comes off. What's that for? It does make the thing a lot weaker. Do you notice that when you tear it off? Maybe you're just meant to do that at the end. I don't know.

Yeah, for recycling. You can recycle one part of it. Oh yes, you separate them and then you recycle each separately. I'm not going to do all that. It helps the recyclers. I guess that's what it is. Anyway, I think that was an extremely successful... It was a pot blitz. Pot blitz. And we boiled up the kettle and all, which made a metal, and then we had a pot pot blitz. A noodle pot blitz. We boiled up the kettle,

and now it's going to settle, and then we have a noodle pot blitz. Yeah, now we've got a bit. Noodle pot blitz. Noodle pot blitz. And the winner was the Nissin, unsurprisingly. I'm going to get a Man of the match award to num num I tell you why

because even though again it's not breaking anything it's not shaking up the world but look

flavour wise perfectly good and it's perfectly good up against things in its own category like the

pot noodle and it's better than the naked and it's better than the itsy that needed

pimping but that's plain stinking yeah there you go five five right well blitz

I've got to go back to Harrow now anyway and see the other Eli who's about to lose big on the pricey shite shut up

oh no also he had a message to you to say to fuck off as well he can fuck off yes he wants to go end to end

no I'm not interested I want to go end to end with myself yeah but he wants to go he wants to

face me he said he wants to be up front he wants shut up you said... He wants to face me. He said he wants to be up front. He wants... Shut up. You said this. I did not say anything.

You listened to this week's episode. Let me re-intervate one more time. You said you wanted to be around the front. Sexy time between me and you will only happen if you drug me. And I'm not encouraging that. Well, Eli... Oh, no.

What's that white powder? Yeah, in the ramen master, I put a little bit of something in. Are you getting sleepy who are you oh well I'm going to go now and do something

horribly vile to my best friend because that's the moral of every episode thanks for listening everyone I've enjoyed this it's been eye opening and I hope we get to do this

in the future with some more pot noodle brands there are a lot out there that's why this has been brewing a long time for me. Well, three minutes.

Five minutes for the itsu. I'm going to go back to Harrow then. I've got to go through the portal. I'll clear this up. Here we go. Take this with me. Bear with me. Pot noodle test lab kitchen.

Here we go. Right, so I'm just going to pass through the portal now. Oh, it's all fuzzy. It's like... You're not fucking here. Shut up. Oh, I'm walking and I'm walking and I'm walking through the portal. All right, I'm back.

Time to join Eli. What a cunt. Fuck you. You're not in this portal. Shut up. I'm cunt fuck you you're not in this portal I'm in your portal you're not in my portal it's the price of shite the price of shite

pull up United give me a fright it's the price of shite holy shite it's the price of shite alright alright I'm not happy with that one

try again can I suggest something I know one it's price of shite oh it's Price of Shite, alright. Alright. I'm not happy with that one. Try again. Can I suggest something? I know one. It's Price of Shite. Oh, it's Price of Shite. Oh, it's Price of Shite. Oh, that's what you need. If you want to guess the price

on an item that's nasty or nice. Oh, Price of Shite. Oh, that's the game. Price of Shite. If you want to guess the put-twings, baby. Yeah. If you want to guess the Putwings, baby. Hang on, I've got something better than that. Hello.

Oh, no. Don't. It's always a mistake. It's always a mistake. If you want to sing a between baby For those of you younger than 40, he's pastiching badly a programme called Record Breakers starring Roy Castle, who was an actor-cum-trumpetist.

Well, the amazing Ben Baker, who has a number of online radio shows, Ben Baker, he drew my attention to the Record Breakers vinyl album with Roy Castle singing songs from the show and songs based on

very famous Record breakers. Is it rare? Because I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I didn't know it existed until he showed me it existed on YouTube. And I was like, I have to listen to this. And I did.

I don't think it's a very sort of, I don't think it sold a huge deal because there's certain sort of records, TV records, kids' TV records that show up again and again and again in charity shops, which must have been big sellers back in the day, you know? Yeah.

Anyway. Mr. Men, Play School ones. I've got a Mr. Men one. Yeah, the live, weird. Have you listened to it? The live show? No, I've not listened to it yet. Picked up a fucking choice.

Well, we'll talk about that when we do another... Sesame Street 7. When we do a platter later, we'll go to it, yeah? How about that? Are we doing a platter today? Next week.

Next week or whenever. Anyway. It's the Price is to Shy shows. Right, we've got a P.O. Box. That was a bit loud. You know what the problem is, Paul? You. You keep saying P.O. Box to me,

and then I'm talking about the Price of Shites, the game that we play. Yeah. And I thought they were two separate things. No. But it's one thing. Yeah, the game. Okay.

Sorry, everybody. You heard what he said. I mean, you didn't because it was off mic, but don't... The P.O. Box had a price of shite in it. Hi, guys, says this letter from Dylan Yetta. The letter is from Dylan Yetta. Formerly at Spud Telecaster before leaving Twitter.

And they're from Londonderry in the USA. Londonderry sounds like an Irish place. Yeah, but this is New Hampshire, so... Londonderry, New Hampshire. Yeah. London Derry sounds like an Irish place Yeah but this is New Hampshire London Derry, New Hampshire London Derry, New Hampshire Where the girls are thrilling and sweet London Derry, New Hampshire Where there's always a fresh plate of meat Where are you going?

I'm singing me song about London Derry No one wants to hear it Let alone me Christ knows Alright Shut up Where are you going? What are you doing?

Rustling in your bag like a little secret. Oh, he's having his asthma inhaler. Christ. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Says the letter. I'm sending another package from New Hampshire, USA. I presume he sent some stuff before, but we've forgotten.

It's a bespoke price of shite. This package includes seven items. A lot to get through, Eli. With a total cost of $12.25. That's very low, isn't it? Very low. For seven items. A lot to get through, Eli, with a total cost of $12.25. That's very low, isn't it? Very low. Seven items? I don't think we've ever had that many items.

It's a bumper crop. Oh! Prices are sealed in an envelope, which I have here. You have that envelope there. I can see that envelope. Can I check the sealage, please? Yeah.

I haven't tampered with it. He's right to check, ladies and gentlemen. I'm checking the sealage. It doesn't look tampered with, everybody, just to let you know. I've had a good look at it, and it doesn't look very tampered with. Oh, I'm having a sniff of it. He's right to check, ladies and gentlemen. I'm checking the sealage. It doesn't look tampered with, everybody, just to let you know. I've had a good look at it and it doesn't look very tampered with.

Oh, I'm having a sniff of it. I'm having a sniff of it now. It's got a nice, clean, stationary smell, everyone. I can report back. I could have this over here, then.

No. Well, where's this so-called poindexter replacement? I'll show you now. You said it was your cat. Oh, he's sick. It just...

My gooch is going to be Lord Protector of Petwings tonight. So if you want it, Eli, get your fingers in. Disgusting. If you want to get your fingers in. No, because that is an actual part of your anatomy. Yeah. Not some kind of doll that we can all safely molest. And it's a bit of a separation.

We can all safely molest. A symbolic molestation of a doll thing. We can all put of our energy into the doll, yeah? Direct our energy that way. In the service, Paul, of comedy. But when you actually put it under your actual gooch and then invite me to fist you or whatever you wanted from me there, you've gone too far.

And you know it. And the dead look in your eyes as you play that kazoo, the dead look in your eyes. Mate, that look has been the same look for the past seven years. Don't sit on that. It's too late. I am sat upon it and I'm going to keep it only safe and free from spoilage. Listeners.

But also, it will get a nice good old gun, John. Listeners, I was just about to say that the fresh stationery smell. Yeah, we'll be gone. It's already evaporated. Not so much as vibrate. It's more like absorbed another. It's already absorbed. It's absorbing the warmest of my spots.

The letter continues. Prices are in an envelope. Purchase locations are listed on the scorecards below. Yes, we've both been given a scorecard. I have a scorecard. Thank you, Dylan. This is very well done. And I just had a little peek at it.

Yeah. And I did see one of the items on the list. Yeah. So already I'm trying to get an edge. Yeah, playing a game. Does Dylan explain the scoring system that they'd like us to use? Let me finish the letter and find out. So, okay, $12 in all for the items, seven of which they exist.

Two of these items are the same price. So I suggest a bonus between if you guess them correctly. Yes! We used to do that, didn't we? Remember, we used to do that with items that were priced exactly the same in addition to the don't just say

price of shite yes we all know what we're doing it's the prices to shite shite sauce there is no crisis as of yet in the prices to shite

oh yeah so in addition to the price of shite items please and find enclosed a pair of wacko warner pins by kid robot promised on twitter

many many months ago. Hope you enjoy. So I've put mine on my board. He's up there. You chose the best one, did you? Are they the same? No, they're the same. I love to receive a pin badge. This is improved. Oh, don't!

Why? He threw it at me everyone. Gently. It wasn't gentle. We all saw it and it could have taken my eye out. Oh, one of those items is a price of shite item. So I tell you what, we can start without them. That's what it is. It's the one I saw on the fucking list. All right, well, that's good then.

So we'll just start with that. We'll do the... We'll start with that. No, we will do it in the order that Dylan prescribes. Fuck you. And what's the scoring system to see today? Right. It's a point.

It's a between. Same as usual. Two betwings for spot on. One betwing either way. However, two of the same price. 25 cents. We're talking cents though. Yeah.

But it's a different, it's a whole different currency. Well, it's still fundamentally the same, isn't it? Fine. If that's where you want to go. 25 either way. 25 cents either way.

Spot on. Two betwings. Two betwings. And there is an extra betwing. There's seven items. So that is maximum. If you can guess which two. Maximum betwings. So tell you what, if there's seven items so that is if you can guess which two maximum betwings

so so tell you what if you guess the two items that share the same price you get five betwings hang on five it's complicated

because not only you get two we're scoring for getting the point of how much it was worth you get five betwings yes I've already worked it out I'm one step ahead of you

alright 3D fucking chess right so there's seven there's five betwings so there's seven there's 14 betwings on the table plus an extra five no? So there's seven... It's five betwings. So there's seven... There's 14 betwings on the table plus an extra five. No.

Yeah, because there's seven items, two betwings each. Yeah, but two of those items are the same item. Same price item. So then it is... Ten betwings from the other five items and five from that.

Fifteen total betwings available. It's a lot of betwings. And we're going to walk away with one or two each, I reckon, though, in our luck. Oh, I've got one of these. That one? No, not this, but from this range.

Yeah, it's the Animaniacs. Animaniacs. Yeah, and that's Wacko. Which one did you get? The same, exactly the same. I put it on the board. It's just above the Ganon logo. I love them.

I've also got another one there, which I've got Dotty Warner, whatever her name is. Yes, I see her up there. I've got two then now from that. I've got Pinky. I love your pin pad Borge bollocks I said Borge

and you said Borge but you say Borge because I said Borge Borge right so I'm ready for some betwingage here we go

so there's the first item Sesame Street oh what's this oh oh oh what's that Eli now it doesn't say what charity shops they were

or what Goodwill or whatever, but, you know, they're American. All these came from an American charity shop. This is a fucking lovely item. Isn't it? I thought you'd like that. This is a colour clings branded. Talking to the mic because... Colour clings.

I've never heard of them before. No. It says window cling, so maybe it's something you stick to your window. It's a sticker for a window. Yeah. And it says that it is static cling window, so there's no sticky. No, it just... It just sticks the way that...

And it can be peeled off and put back on. Yeah, nice. Oh, I like those a lot. There are three of these. Yeah. You've got Elmo and Zoe. I'm not familiar with Zoe. No.

She hung around with Elmo, I guess. I guess. After all time. Elmo was actually after my time. Yeah. But they're reading a storybook which features none other than Cookie Monster the Cookie of the Monster

yeah then you've got Ernie and Bert I mean that is my era it's OG I love Bert and Ernie yeah and they are sharing looks like a root beer

why do they never call them Bernie you know like when they say J-Lo and whatever it's like J-Pax or something like that they only started doing that well that they should

relatively recently they should call Bert and Ernie Bernie no because then it's someone else's name. Or Ert. What about that? Ert Borge. And then you've got also another one of my absolute top,

let alone Sesame Street characters, top Muppets. Top Pantheon in the world. Top Henson characters of all time, Oscar. And Slimy, his little worm. Oh, his little worm. I forgot he's got a little pet worm called Slimy. I love Oscar. Do you know the original puppet was Orange? Oh, no, his little worm. I forgot he's got a little pet worm called Slimy. I love Oscar. Do you know the original puppet was Orange?

Oh, no, I didn't know that. It's really strange. But like in the very first season of Sesame Street, or was it just like... I think it may have been on one of the precursor programmes. Oh, like Salmon Friends or something.

One of those ones that he did in the years before. I think quite a few of the characters, Kermit obviously was... Oh, yeah, was retooled and stuff. Pre-Muppet Show and pre-Sesame Street. Yeah, that's Salmon Friends. That's that show that was the first i see yeah well you're up on the law paul but uh i fucking love this i love all how much do you think that is then i go

so far as to say sesame street is my my favorite cultural artifact of all time it's like childhood thing or in general it's a childhood thing i guess okay that's fine I mean, that's fine. I do find it, no other media from my childhood I kind of enjoy as much these days. See, I'm the same with Trapdoor. The thing with Sesame Street

wasn't just the puppets, that whole thing was fucking great, but then they had all the little short film bits didn't they as well? all the songs and the 1,

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,

10, 11, 12. What I'm trying to say is, yes, Trapdoor, yes. Fantastic.

I'm not comparing them, I'm just saying. It's not a universe in the way that Sesame Street. No, no, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about those things where, as a kid, you identify with something particular for whatever reason, and that becomes your kind of, you know, the key to what you like. Now, Paul, one little detail we haven't...

Can we crack on? Yeah. Go on. One little detail we haven't... What? Ironed out. Who's going to guess the price first?

Well, you should this time. Okay, I'll go first. Fine. Now, he said $12 for everything and we have... $12.25 to be specific. I'm going to go a buck.

$1. So you write it down because I'm only going to write my scores down on my own score sheet. And I'm writing mine down on mine. I'm going to say 75 cents.

And then we swap at the end. We should swap at the end. Yeah, like a pub quiz. I'm going to say 75 cents. At the end, we should swap again. Yeah, like a pub quiz. I'm going to say 75 cents. Is that the sign for cents? The C with a line through it? No. Oh. Oh, I thought it had a line through it. I don't know. I don't know. Who the fuck cares? Next item

on the list. You know what? I keep copying you. I've put one C instead of one. Next item is this. It is a Winnie the Pooh Halloween statue statue and i'll just quickly describe this it's a nice little i don't even know what it's made from but it's one of those finds one of those ones you get in a disney store uh it's winnie the pooh in a skeleton bear costume with piglet in a pumpkin and they're both doing trick or treating which i would presume

a.a milne would find disgusting why because he was quite a pure orient christian well no because he's british and i don't think he wouldn't find it disgusting then would find disgusting. Why? Because he was quite a pure orient Christian. Well, no, because he's British, and I don't think... He wouldn't find it disgusting then, would he? He'd be like, oh. He's like, Winnie the Pooh does not go to go to celebrate that awful festival. It'll be something different. It'll be something Winnie the Pooh-like. It'll be called Spooky Tooth Night or something. That's

a nice thing. It's a lovely thing. I'm giving that to my mum, because she will bite my hand off for that. Yeah. Mate, seriously, my mum's living room, it's full of Disney stuff, because she's obsessed so you walk in it's like walking into a disney store so she's gonna love it i've got a quite a nice um goofy mug yeah yeah you found that coffee cup didn't you the disney one which i'm gonna give to my little eye for like yeah disney crockery yeah uh that's cool i like the little pose it's quite nicely um it's a lovely little thing for what it is which is i don again, is it a plastic?

Is it a resin? What is it made of? It feels like a sort of high-quality plastic. I mean, it's not porcelain in any way. Absolutely not. No, it's a resinous plastic. Still lovely, colourful, nice. Yeah, perfectly good.

I think... Paint job is pretty good. I think that's going to be $2. I'm going to... You're saying $2, yeah. I've written $2, and I've put an S with two lines down the middle to symbolise the dollar. I'm going to put $2 I've written two, and I've put an S with two lines down the middle to symbolise the dollar. I'm going to put 240.

240. Why 40? Just because you're edging the bet. Just because I'm edging around because of the 25 cent per twing rule. You like edging, don't you? As in what does that mean? Come on, you've edged. Bringing myself almost off.

And then not, and then doing it again and again, and then so eventually when you do ejaculate when you do that it's like better it's nicer because it's harder yeah become harder yeah

oh how fucking useless well I'd be alive if that's alright you know what sorry for bringing up edging I didn't know it was going to make you so sad right what's the next thing

you've got it there in front of you the badge is wearing off that's what I'm telling you it's right there you've got it I need to edge with badges You should have withheld that badge for the whole episode So you could edge me with it

I'm not edging you with a pin badge Metaphorically edge me with a badge I put the badge in my hand Just say, ooh, do you want to see the badge? And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, about to see a badge And then I'll hide it You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I should have done that

That would work Always edge me with a badge Right, what have we got next? Right in front of you Oh, where is it? It's just not the same It's not the badge, it's the thing, it's the keychain Look, always edge me with a badge. Right, what have we got next? Right in front of you. Oh, where is it? It's just not the same. It's not the badge. It's the thing.

It's the keychain. Oh, it's the fucking keychain. It is a I love you keychain. Describe it. 50 cents. Describe it. It's got, it's enameled. Which is nice.

I thought it was a pin badge, but it's not. It's a nice enameled keychain. Yeah. And you've got the love, the classic love heart. Yeah. With the words i love you written in it i love you and they're floating above um a pair of lips oh the top lip has the stars the bottom lips have the stripes oh it's an american kiss flag it's an american kiss flag thing lips and there are two smaller silver hearts talking to the mic why is it such a weird angle where

your head's i'm trying to look at something. I don't feel very well. Oh, here we fucking go with the excuses and the whinging again. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. Every single fucking week. I don't feel very well. Oh, boo fucking hoo. Be an adult.

Grow up. I might give you some kind of cold. Mate, I'll give you much more than a cold. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You give me a hot... I'll give you such a tongue-punching... Don't!

That's my word! ...that you're going to feel like a train ticket on a busy train. Don't know what that means. Well, you get punched a lot. Like that? No. Your ticket only gets punched once, especially on a busy train. I've been punched a lot of times on the train.

Punch my ticket any day, darling. You're going all the way, sir. Yeah, if you want. If you want. Yeah. Tongue-p punch my little ticket. Sounds like a... It's a lips.

Joe Cockerson. There's a heart, a silver heart bestried. It's a heart. How much do you think it is? 50 cents? It's not a heart. It's three hearts bestried

in American style lips. 50 cents. I said 50 cents. Right. I'm going to say, I'm saying a dollar. Dollar on the nose. Yeah.

Next item, Mr. Silverman, is... Methuselah, the over-the-hill beer, beer, beer plush toy. It's the over-the-hill beer, beer, beer toy. Yes, you're right, Mr. Silverman. Beer, beer, beer. It's a plush toy. So, Methuselah. Who was Methuselah?

Was he like the oldest man ever to exist or something in the Bible? Yes. Methuselah. And also, isn'tah? Was he like the oldest man ever to exist or something in the Bible? Yes. Methuselah. And also, isn't it the biggest wine bottle you can get? Is it? Something like that. I don't know. I don't know.

This is a very old man bear, but he doesn't look very bear-like. He looks more like a sort of T-Rex. He has an erection. This toy has an erection. What's that he doesn't? Methuselah does not have a stiffy. What is this? Look at this.

What is this? This is a dongus. Wait, what am I looking at? Wait, no, you're right. What is this? Look at this. What is this? This is a dongus. Wait, what am I looking at? Wait, no, you're right. What am I looking at there? It's a dongus on this bear. He's got a humpage. He's got a humpy dong.

He's just got a big weird belly that kind of comes out. No, it's not a big weird belly. So why is his cock and balls up by his heart then? It's not. He's got an arsehole as well. A front arsehole.

A front bum. Oh, this is filth, Dylan. No wonder he's hiding his head in shame under a Hessian hood. Why does it say over the hill bear? Is that like a brand of bears called over the hill? Let's see. It's got a little booklet. Oh, has it?

Okay. And it says Methuselah, the over the hill bear. Yeah. No, it's just him. He's the over the hill bear. He's an old bear. Does he... It's like when you have an elderly relative and you get them that.

As you hobble through your later years, no longer standing tall... an old bear does he uh it's like when you have an elderly relative and you get them that as you hobble through your later years no longer standing tall it's a gift you get for someone who's fucking ancient and you don't give a shit hold tight you find it amusing in old methuselah to soften every fall it's so small the writing he's old yes and decrepit frail of mind and body too but won't you i hear him complaining because he's old compared to you ah it rhymes i don't understand this existence of this it's a toy it's a gift it's got a little rag on his head it's a gift you get for an elderly relative isn't it and a weird do you not understand that it's an extremely cheesy veering onto into sort of bad taste gift you get for someone who's old who you know i am the face of cuddly death but i'd like to ask him something if he's here mate how have you not

been turned on by that little diblet there i am i want to feel the diblet again you know what i'm gonna imagine this is maybe you need a sugar daddy bear i'm gonna imagine this diblet again. You know what? I'm going to imagine this is... Maybe you need a sugar daddy bear. I'm going to imagine this diblet is on something that's... Talk into the mic! I'm going to imagine this diblet's on some kind of bear that you owned. Yeah. And you care about. And then you're going to do what with it?

I'm pranging it. Pranging it. I'm pranging it. He's pranging the diblet. I'm pranging it with my claw hand! How much do you think that is, then? It's your go first, my friend. That is a horrible thing. But do you know what I mean? It's your go first, my friend. That is a horrible thing.

But do you know what I mean? It veers into bad taste. 150. Maybe that's your gran or whatever. Hey, look, it's an ancient bear because you're fucking old.

150, I'm saying, for that bear. Again, all pictures will be on our website. $1.50, yeah? $1.50. I'm going to say $1.75. $1.75, he says.

Right, next one. I'm always hedging. Is a Scrabble Slam card game. Oh, mate, we've both been ignorant. Right next to the item, it tells you where you got them from. Flea Market, Goodwill, Consignment Store, Antique Mall, and Methuselah was also the same Antique Mall. So the Flea Market.

Ignoring this information. This is your fault. Let's revise our guesses. No, I'm happy with mine still, to be fair. Although maybe Flea Market, that would be 25 cents for that thing. I don't know. I don't know. We should have paid attention, Eli.

I've been to places like this in Florida as well. Great, but it doesn't help you now, does it? Consignment store. I don't know what that means. I don't know. I think that's when they get sort of dead stock. It's a consignment. Oh, I see.

All those things they couldn't sell in the market. Oh, okay. Don't we call that sort of... Don't we have things called something like that here no isn't it off for their clothing factory outlets or something yeah it's like that isn't it yeah yeah right this next one is scrabble slam card game from goodwill a great deal of fun for family and friends it's scrabble Slam. The fast-playing, card-slapping, word-changing fun.

So how does this work then? It's a high-speed four-letter word game. Race against each other to change the existing word and get rid of your cards. So it's a bit like, you know,

Uno, I guess, but with words. I think it's more like something like Bananagrams. Like a word game where you're building words but without a board to place it in.

It's like a four-letter word and when you can complete a word with a board to place it in it's like a four letter word and when you can complete a word with a letter you've got on your hand you get rid of that card but if you can't you add a card

yeah something like that which I guess is fine I think it looks good I actually quite want to have that you can have that if you want that because I like to play Scrabble

and Scrabble used to have a decent app on the phone right oh yeah and then they revamped it and sort of re-gamified it and made it all like fucking terrible oh and they broke it yeah and it's all let me guess nonsensical microtransactions for shit yeah chests and diamonds and things why they literally ruined

it was just like the actual board game but now they've thrown a load of shit into just functional did it had a good dictionary you know what i mean that's all you need from scrabble and they fucked it fucked it hard it hard right in the pigeonhole pisses me off though dime i don't want a fucking diamond chest and open this no one needs it no one needs it um how much do you think this looks like a lot of fun actually it's a christmas and i play with my family oh yeah scrabble and this might be something that we could play quicker. Yeah. You know what I mean? Less slow. Or you could play that drawing, a normal game of Scrabble and keep things going. Yeah, while someone's...

Well, because we've got the whole thing with the eggy woofter. That's where that came from. Which we call, if you remember... I do, but I'm also forcing myself to forget. The timer. Yes. The eggy woofter. Yeah.

You know. So if someone's taking a long time, instead of calling the eggy woofter on them, we could have a little hand of Scrabble Slap. That's a good idea. You could mix it up. It is my turn to guess this. Guess the price, yeah. This was bought in a Goodwill, as you mentioned.

It was, and I did. Goodwill is the closest to charity shops. Yes. In fact, it is, essentially. I think I did for a Patreon, me and comedian Jenny Zagrino going around the Goodwill in LA, and it was just massive. Huge, big warehouse of shit warehouse there's that one in Fort Worth

not Fort Worth is it Fort Worth? I don't fucking know where you're talking about there's a huge one in Florida Southern Florida okay good

like literally used to be a supermarket this is why we need to go to America and do an American one it would be amazing Paul we could spend a whole day in some of these places

yeah we could I need to guess this though Goodwill very cheap very cheap. Very cheap stuff, because they pile it high and sell it. And they have all these sort of grab bags, which are just like a buck a bag, and it's full of toys, just hanging there, row after row. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is the type of thing that would be in there, just like, I'm going to say 70 cents.

70 cents? No, I'm going to say... I'm going to say a dollar. Now, I am concerned am concerned 75 i'm saying everybody i've only spent six dollars so far so have i this is why i was gonna make it i don't know let's crack on we've got two more items and hopefully they're the last two are from walmart and you remember two of these items are the same price paul so we need to decide yeah i know i got an idea which i think they're gonna be but but we'll see. Right. We have.

Oh it's one of these fucking things. Mini Brands blind pack. Remember we got one of these. It was like seven eight quid and had

like four tiny toys in. Now this was bought. They're expensive here but this was bought in Walmart and it says clearance. But they're still going to be before you

reduction. These are like seven eight dollars something like that. They're really expensive. They're twelve dollars or something before reduction. Do you know what i hate about these though the waste the plastic waste of these you can put these in a little simple bag or a little box but no

they're in these plastic eggs with wrapper with another wrapper around it's pure packaging so i'm kind of although i like the concept i hate the execution it's like a blind bag taken to its sort of logical and depressing end, isn't it? How many segments of the origin are there? There are five segments. We need to share these. Give me three segments and we can do it at once. Unhook those segments. There you go.

There's two. And I'll have two. And then there's one left over. Let's have a quick look at them then. Because each one's, you know, separately sealed off. I've opened one of my segments, Paul. I have a quick look at them then. Because each one's, you know, separately sealed off. I've opened one of my segments, Paul, and I have a miniature Mike and Ike's

Mega Mix Pack. Right, so it's another little box. Again, you're paying all this money for cardboard. Total bullshit. And it's not even like,

because of the way that they have to make the writing legible, it's not even to scale. Yeah. It's not even like a miniature version. It's just this sort of

ersatz. This one's plastic at least. Crap. This is, my segment is it's not even to scale yeah it's not even like a miniature version it's just this sort of zaps this one's plastic at least crap this is my segment is a laughing cow spread

it's just a little carton a little plastic carton I've opened my second and final box Paul yeah these are flavour ice it's a small box

of flavour ice another fucking small box so outside of the packaging Anne what do you think these things are worth like pence cents

literally I've got another little plastic cardboard cardboard why do you keep getting plastic things no i've got this is a cardboard one sorry shake and bake your original chicken i like your little cheese thing can i have cheese spread yeah you can have that you can have all this fucking shit uh so that was a shake and bake original whatever is it you shake it on chicken and you put it in the oven and it makes it all crispy yeah one. One last segment. The only thing that makes it crispy just sort of adds flavour. Oh, you'll like this one and you can have this. It's Kraft cheese slicers. And look at the little packaging of it.

It's got a little sponge in, but it looks like a little Kraft. Yes. Yeah. The boxes are just unexciting. But when they actually replicate, do you see what I mean? To scale. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're not to scale because, look, this spread would be in real life

much bigger than that Kraft cheese slice because it's a carton of spread. Now, I guess first, I think it was $4.99. $4.99 for that? Yeah.

I'm going to say $3 for it. And we have one more, Eli, blind bag. Well, can you believe it? Again, I like the concept of these,

but I hate the fact that they're overpriced shit because they could easily sell these for cheaper and they just don't want to, which is why... But there's two blind packs. Yeah.

So this is exactly the same. No, this is a Monopoly. You can open this one. This is a Monopoly-themed blind pack. It's a Monopoly blind bag and I don't know what you'd get in a blind bag for Monopoly.

These must have been the same price then. We don't know, do we? That might be part of the Rouge, Rouge, Rouge, Rouge, Rouge. Can I change my price guesses? Let's open this one first and then we'll give the price change a guess.

Yeah, but let's get through this one, right? If you can, you donkey-hoofed hand twat. Why can't you get in this? It's got tape on it, and I'm nudging it off. Just tear the box. We don't need to keep it. I don't want to. I like to preserve these things for posterity.

Just get in there and smash it open. Get your fingers in and get right in. Smash it open. I'm warming it up Austerity. I'm almost there. Smash it open. Get your fingers in and get right in. Smash it open. I'm warming it up with a little bit of... Use the pen nib to grind the plastic down. I'm there now. You've got your fingers in. I'm there now.

You have, yeah. This is the sound of me opening the box. Oh, there's a little... Ooh. Ooh, look. Now it comes in a box. Oh, great. That's a waste of resources now.

More waste. A box within a box. And then there's little bits which you punch holes in, if you see what I mean. There's little... In the shape of the look, there's something in the shape of a train here. I'm punching the hole in.

Oh, that's how you get into it, by punching a hole in it. Yeah, and there's one on each side. Now there's another bag. That feels like a Monopoly piece. It is a Monopoly piece. What have we got here? Let's see what we've got in here. Is that another one?

The little red bags have come out. How many bags in all? Just two. I still haven't got to the end, and there's three so far. Oh, mate, I actually quite like this. This is a little Mr. Moneybags figurine. Yeah, well, it's a playing piece, isn't it? But he was never a playing piece, though.

Well, he is now. Unless there was a limited edition, maybe, where there was. Maybe they got stock of these left over. He was a playing piece. No, he wasn't. The rich guy was a playing piece. He wasn't. When I grew up, he was. No, he wasn't. The rich guy was a playing piece. He wasn't. When I grew up, he was.

No, he wasn't. He might have been in a special edition, but he was not part of the regular set. I'm telling you that now. I have two little green metallic hotels. Are they metal or plastic? They're sort of metal finish. Oh, yeah, little metal, metallic-y green things.

So what's the point of this? It's just fetishism. It's monopoly. People are obsessed with it, aren't they? So what, you're meant buy is so many of these you can replace them with the normal pieces on your board. Yeah. I don't get the concept of this.

Here, I've got another one. Oh, you've got a third bag. Oh, it's a little trophy. The trophy. Was that one of the original replicas? I mean, I don't know, but maybe. Definitely. I've got one more to go, Paul.

Oh, I want to open one more then. You go, there you go. You go, I'll open two. Oh, this looks like a coin of some sort. It is a oh it's really dull it is just a coin that says five monopoly dollars or five not percent it's not even like a print of the face on it it's a great big monopoly m and then the number five on the back i'm saying 2.99 for both that and the other blind thing which both as we can see from our charts

paul yeah we're from walmart clearance well i'm going to say that's three dollars as well we've both plumped for basically the same so do you want to change your prices then now have you done that did you want to change i just wanted to change that one i'm going to go quickly through my prices again so i said the sesame street window thing was 75 cents winnie the pooh two dollars keychain one dollar methuselah Bear $1.50 Scrabble Slam $1 Mini Brand Blind Pack Fuck me! Mini Brand Blind Pack is $3

and the Monopoly Blind Pack is $3 as well. And just to recap, Paul, the scores I gave Sesame Street Window Clings from the Flea Market, I said a buck Winnie the Pooh Halloween Statue $2.40 I Love You Keychain, I said $0.50 Methuselah Over the Hill Bear Plush Toy it i said a buck winnie the pooh halloween statue two dollars 40 i love you keychain i said 50 cents methuselah over the hill bear plush toy one dollar 75 scrabble slam card game 75 cents and both of

our mini brand blind packs or monopoly and the mini brand blind packs from walmart clearance i said were two dollars 99 each now we're gonna swap each... Oh, do you know what's funny, actually? I've added all mine up, and I haven't done this intentionally, but it actually comes to $12.25. Now, that doesn't mean anything, but I'm just funny that it's come to that. And Dylan did specify the window was $12.

$12.25. Oh, he said $12.25. That's why I find that amusing. I don't like the sound of this. No, but that means nothing. I think I'm over $12.25, but I'm not going to change it. All right, well, let us now...

Hand me your thing. All right, we're going to do the big reveal, and then I'm going to get the answers out. Hey, I meant me big dick. Hand me the score, your scorecard. All right, Eli, here are the fucking scores. And now it is time to reveal the reveal that reveals the scores, the scores that will give the betwings,

the betwings that will enrich our body, mind and soul. Eli Silverman, you have the envelope. It has been kept warm in my perineum for the past 20 so minutes. And it's now time for you to get your fingers in and open up the flap and reveal the betwings. Start with the fingers in all the time. I don't know what you're getting at, mate. Oh, look at him.

It's like someone trying to open an envelope with sausages. Come on. Come on. I have in my hand a piece an envelope with sausages. Come on. Come on. I have in my hand a piece of paper with the scores on. Hold me closer. You will be marking our cards. I will. I have a pen.

And adding up the betweens. I will. And I will be reading out the prices of the items. In the order. And they are in the same order given. Don't worry about the crisis. This has been brilliantly curated. Don't worry about the crisis.

Eli's going to shout out the prices. On this, it's the prices of shises. Shises. This has been brilliantly curated by Dylan, worry about the crisis. Eli's going to shout out the prices. On this it's the prices of shites. This has been brilliantly curated by Dylan, I have to say. Thank you, Dylan. Bang up job. Everything's in order. It's all printed out very clearly. Very few loopholes and clearly... Do you want to get to it? Because I'm already getting bored of the

sound of your voice, so come on. Now you're getting bored of the sound of my voice. Yeah. This is the crunch point. This is the straw that broke the Ganon's back. Our first item, Paul. Yeah of my voice. Yeah. This is the crunch point. This is the straw that broke the Gannon's back. Our first item, Paul. Yeah. Sesame Street. Yeah.

What did you say? Are we doing it in the same order? I just want to know. Same order, yeah. Okay. You said $1. I said 75 cents. It was 50 cents.

Oh, between for Gannon. Gannon's on the board. I'm on the board. No betwings. Right. Next item, then. It was the winnie the pooh halloween statue uh you said 240 i said two dollars the answer was three bucks oh no betwings either that was a quality item i did i would happily pay three dollars yeah i would have been fine with

that yeah usually they go for like 15 dollars i reckon out easily yeah and it's a mint on card paul it's it's for what it is it's very the shop. Easily, yeah. And it's a mint on card, Paul. For what it is. It's very new. It might have come in a box, but who gives a fuck? Yeah. Yeah. All right, okay. Halloween poo won my heart.

I love you, keychain. I love you, keychain. You said... I said $1 and you said 50 cents. It's a dollar. Oh, look at that! I'm so shit at this. What's the point?

I'm just going to... No, I don't... One, two, three betwings so far. You've got three and I have none. You have absolutely nothing. You've yet to chart. Now, mate, you still could get the double betwing thing. You know, the five betwings.

We know you're not by that look, but let's crack on. I haven't looked, but I don't want to look. Methuselah Bear, you said $1.75. I said $1.50. The price was... $2. Okay, fine with that. Who gets one there? You get one there. You're on the board,1.75. I said $1.50. The price was? $2. Okay, fine with that. Who gets one there?

You get one there. Yeah, you're on the board, Mr. Ford. Thank God. A little donut. One tick there. I've got one consolation between. Scrabble Slam card game. The Scrabble Slam card game.

What have you written? Because your fucking trottery knuckle fingers couldn't write. Is that $5 you wrote? No, it's 75 cents oh okay i see it now yeah you see it sorry yeah yeah so you said 75 i said one dollar what it's a fucking dollar oh look at that i get between as well there yeah you do but no one's thinking about that no one's concerned about the runner-up you get two i've got one oh you're on five i'm on two yeah yeah yeah is this, is this an erection I've got?

It really is. Yeah, well, you've got something in common with the Methuselah bear then, don't you? I remember you. Right, next one. Seriously, guys, check out this Methuselah bear nubbing on the fucking website. Right, so now we're on Mini Brands blind bag. I said $3. We were both right that they were the same price.

Really? But we didn't get the price right. We may as well do these both. No, those two were the same price, weren't they? Scrabble card game and I Love You keychain. Wait, which prices are the same? The I Love You keychain and the Scrabble Slam card game. Were they both a dollar?

That's what I put down on this card. $1, $1, the same price. Does that mean I get five? Let me just put them in pairs. No, you don't get an extra five. Of course I do. No, because you got the loaf on the nose, didn't you, Paul? Yeah, so that's two.

Right, well, you get two. No. But you said there's an extra five. No, I did not. Forgetting, forgetting. I kill you over this. I'm happy to lose, but I will not be cheated out of. This is your score. I will not be. I thought it was five for guessing the same two prices. I thought not, I'm happy to lose, but I will not be cheated out of between. This is your score.

I will not be. I thought it was fine for guessing the same two prices. I thought I'd explained it. I thought I'd explained it to you. Right. Okay, let's just take this

from the basic fundamentals. What do you get for getting an item on the nose? Two betwings. Okay, so what did you get? What was the cost

of the keychain? One dollar. And what did you say? One dollar. What do you get? Two betwings. Now let's move on. Right?

You've got two. Now let's move on to the item that was the same price. Scrabble. Which I said was one dollar. It's one dollar. I get two betwings. So how many more betwings? So how many have you got now?

Four. Right. And then how many betwings extra do you get for... Five. No! One! One more! Make it five in total!

I still put a betwing. You get one more. You get one more. You get one more per twing. I put one more on. You're on six per twings. Yes. And I'm on two. Which is 33% of that.

So, right, how much was the mini blind bag, bag, pack, bag? $2.50. So neither one must get every point. What did we both say? I said three and you said $2.99. So nothing there. So finally, the Monopoly blind bag. I said $3. You said $2.99. How much was it? $2.99, so nothing there. So finally, the Monopoly blind bag. I said $3.

You said $2.99. How much was it? $2.25. Oh, we overpriced those two. We panicked. And yet, and yet, it is my great joy and pride Six for Twinks, well done. to say out of a possible what was it?

15? Yeah. Less than half. But a good track record to get some on the nose is fascinating. I like the fact that I got the same price. That was a double thing. Well, that got you an extra between there, Paul. Which is really nice. As I explained to you, that got you an extra between.

A bonus between. So that was nice. That was a good feel. And although I wish I'd maybe priced them a bit lower for the blind bags and rock you'd guess two one dollar 25 for both those items yeah you've got one between three betwings no because they get the one for guessing which items for the same price that's just for that they weren't the same price those two things though no imagine you imagine the two things were the same price yes but they weren't so you've got the wrong price they're all the fucking price doesn't matter you get it you don't you're not getting the wrong price for both of them? Let's imagine they're all the fucking price. Doesn't matter. You're not getting the new ones.

It's fine. It's not that I don't get the new ones. I just don't see the point of your argument. It's fine. What if everything was different? Then things would be different. Yeah, you're right, Eli. They fucking would be.

You get the extra per twing. You don't get the extra per twing. You get the extra per twing for guessing which items are the same price. It doesn't matter what that price is. That's it. Paul Gannon got number six twings and little Silverman got two. I got two for twings.

I'm happy with that. You shouldn't be. It's a poor showing. You always do better than me. I don't know what it is you're better at this game than me. I think it's just because

I'm a better person. Personally a better person. Body smell, better. Height, better. Stature, better. Sex appeal, better. What's sex appeal, better? Better.

Is that what I know? Tummy, better. Tummy, better. Stature? What's sex appeal better? Better. Is that what I know? Tummy, better. Tummy, smaller. Hands, elegant. More... Fuck off. Like a magician's. I'll take these sausage fingers

and I'll ram them so far up your fucking ass I'll be playing piano with your tinklers. Promises, promises. Oh, I should be so lucky. Can we stop? I'm not in the mood. Is the failure the worst part of this segment? No.

Frankly, I don't care. But... Eli, you haven't given me my six betwings. Between, between, between. No. I'm not going to give them to you nicely. I want them slow and dirty. No, I'm not giving them...

Slow and dirty. You've already had two before you started fucking complaining. Here's your other four. Between, between, between, between. Oh, dear. I'll give you your two betwings. You like dirty, flung out betwings. I'll give you your betwings.

You like them covered in spit. You like spitty betwings. You like filthy, dirty, spitty, two betwings. You like dirty, flung out betwings. I'll give you your betwings. You like them covered in spit. You like spitty betwings. You like filthy, dirty, spitty, sticky betwings. Mate. In the gutter. Do you want your betwings? I'm not giving you your betwings. Fuck you.

I don't want them. I've got them. They're in my heart. They're not. I'm not giving you the delight. I was going to give you special two betwings to make you feel a bit better about your failure. It's a pure ceremony.

It doesn't really matter, does it? It's a ritual. It's an empty ritual. It's a bit like your sex life.. It's a pure ceremony, a ritual. It's an empty ritual. It's a bit like your sex life. The twins exist abstractly. Your sex life is an empty ritual. That was good. And that's the end

of Cheap Show this week. Thanks everybody for listening. I'm sorry it was a bit... Oh, God, stop apologising for every episode. No, I'm sorry, Paul. I'm sorry to you as well. I'm sweaty. You know, the country urban noodle test lab Eli

doesn't think much of you. Well, he... He thinks you've lost your noodle game. I don't do noodles. He does noodles. Yeah, but... I have just realised we've now split your character in two.

I don't know how that's happened. Weird. I didn't know how we got two Eli's out of that. I wonder if you could double team me. I could definitely if I was two people. Noodle Eli at the front, grubby noodle at the back. Noodle, I'll go at the front. Noodle Eli goes at the back.

He likes to deal with stringy stuff. Yeah, all right. Well, you know what? I regret bringing that up. Bluey's saucy head. The noodles are like your hair round your dirty arsehole. ringing that up so let's move on saucy head right the noodles are like your hair

round your dirty arsehole strewn with lots of sauce and grumbly bits as well and he comes round and he comes and sucks your arsehole sucks all the spaghetti and the pieces that smell

pieces of poo that smell bad come up the stairs round and round your mum's hole like a teddy bear we are never winning a comedy award at all

come down here hey come round here and you go down here round here round here stop please we're nearly at the end

let's just end this go round here links to our social media to our YouTube to our Patreon to our merch media to our YouTube to our Patreon to our merch page to the magazines to all of those things

to episode guides it's all on our website it's all there you can find us wherever you need us at thecheapshow.co.uk because really I went on the website

the other day and every link is there that you need Twitter, YouTube it's all there so just go to the website and reach out you can reach out website the other day and every link is there that you need. Everything's there now. You go on Twitter, YouTube, it's all there. So just go to the website. You see that item surprise to shout out?

And reach out. You can reach out. Don't hurt me. Shut up. I didn't hurt you. I threw a tiny little bit of plastic at you. It could have hurt me

in the eye. Process. Shut up. You and I do my head in. Right. Are we going to say our Twitter thing was that? Yes, but I was going to say,

if you want to get us on Twitter, such as it is, at thecheapshowpod, at PaulGannonShow, and Eli is... Eli Snow. It's spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And we just want to continue to thank our patrons

for helping support this podcast. I know it sounds disingenuous, but every week, every month... Dissingenuous? It's a disserved cold. I sound disingenuous. I'm just sayingenuous? It's a disserved cold. I sound dissentenuous. I'm just saying, it really does mean a lot to us. And the ongoing support on Patreon is fantastic.

I don't mean to cram across dissentenuous, but I've got a lovely big of delish. Shut up. What are you doing now? Slish, slish. Just because you have nothing to impart information-wise in this segment doesn't mean you should just bark shit. Hello, I'm Edward Glish, and I've got a fucking slick of delicious splish.

I'm going to ask you very politely to shut up now. Just so I can finish off this admin and then we can all go home. Because you're so poorly. Because Eli's so... Shut up! Oh, it's the smell of fish. I've got a splish in here. Fucking stupid cock.

I must have splished it here the other day. Left it. And that's it in a nutshell. Also, Eli, I'm beginning to plan the office Christmas party this year. Oh, I'm looking forward to that. It's been a long, tough year for everyone. Yeah, but you know what? Good to let our hair down.

It's going to be a real blokey one this week. Really? Yeah, we're going to have something sexy and beery and naughty and sweary. I have to say to everyone, I have seen one of the items that Paul's got for the party yeah chef's kiss and hopefully

I've invited here's the thing chef's fucking gob of cock right so I don't know what I'll say but this year

Eli I've expanded the ranks so Mr Biffo and Ash are coming to the office Christmas party this year you've expanded the ranks yes okay what do you mean

it's always you and me isn't it so I thought we'd have a blokey boozy blokey office Christmas party fantastic lots of fun and nothing will

at all go wrong it never does with this podcast it never does it's going to be simples as the meerkats say why do they say that though

simples I really hate it when you say that. Simple. It sort of freezes you in this one cultural moment from about eight years ago. Yeah, it dates the episode considerably. Yeah. Actually, here's the twist.

I've not been talking about the advert at all. I've been talking about my online AI artificial version of me, the simple. The simple. Simple. I am Sim-Paul. I live in the computer and I play with your floppy drive. I've really ruined the end of this episode. At least you admitted it.

I have admitted it. You should have left it with me saying splish, splish. No, we shouldn't have left it with you saying splish and a glitch or whatever it was you said. I just want to end this episode. Thank you. See you next week. Bye, everyone.

Bye, everyone.