CheapShow - Ep 310: A Ball Of Chalk

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

As the year rolls to an end, Paul and Eli decide to cram in one last walkabout adventure that will eventually push them a little harder than they were expecting! After discovering something called “The Celandine Route” they decide to take on all twelve miles of it in four hours, despite the guide suggesting it will take six. Can they pull it off and also attempt a modular, al fresco Price of Shite that Paul has procured? As you can imagine, it’s not going to be as easy as the Cheap Chaps think. Along the walk, which follows the River Pinn through green spaces, conservation areas and wildlife retreats, Paul and Eli will argue, complain, rage, laugh and annoy each other every step of the way. Will the relentless mud, pitch black, misty surroundings and chilly autumnal weather be too much for them? You’re going to have to listen to find out… Sorry about that! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-310-a-ball-of-chalk And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJEp

I did a stinky, I just did a stinky, I'm sorry. Hello everyone, welcome to Cheap Show, it's the Economy Comedy Podcast on the road. And today we're doing yet another thrilling walkabout episode. And we thought we'd cram one more in just before the end of the year and we'd do a nice autumnal walk on a certain path we're going to be telling you about after the opening credits. My co-host over there is going far away from me right now for some reason. It's all gone. The cool print pinner breeze has brushed it away. I'm glad of that, Paul. Hello, I'm Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheap Show, everybody. Here we are out and about doing a sort of late autumn sort of last of the summer wine. Oh, that was quick for you to break. I haven't broken. I'm fucking... You are broken. I am not. I'm fully rigid. You're not fully rigid.

No, I am. I'm strong. I'm robust. I'm rigid. I'm flexy. You're stocky and fat. Like a young pine. Like a stout young pine.

Not like Chris Pine, the actor. No. Like a stout young pine. Not like Chris Pine, the actor. No. Like a stout young pine tree full of sap. What about a pine... Bendy, bendy... You know what? What are we doing today then, Paul, on this walk? I'm going to show you.

Last of the autumn wine. That's what you should call it. Oh, hey, I tell you what. Our last of the autumn wine. Nah. I don't like it. Everyone wants to know about the stinky... It's gone.

Stinky gone. Stinky gone bye-bye. Stinky gone bye-bye. Stinky gone bye-bye. But I can assure you, Eli, there are many more to come. Really? You've got a bad brew in. I don't know what I ate last night, but it's having absolute havoc on my guts. So what part of the fart spectrum are we on?

The egg, full egg, beef, or nappy? We are, I would say... Beef in the middle, nappy one end, egg the other. I would say we're beef leaning towards egg. Oh, no. We are doing today the... Is it celandine root, do you think? Celandine.

Celandine root along the River Pinn. God, we're getting old. There's the River Pinn just over there. It starts here, right? It's culverted in this little park we're in in uh pinner yeah so um as people have known we've visited pinner before on a tat hunt episode but when we were here a little while ago we noticed there was a trail that took us along the river pin and i'm just going to read you out what it says on here right so interested to

hear this it's a walk of 12 miles along the River Pin from Pinna to the Grand Union Canal at Cowley through green spaces, conservation areas and wildlife havens. Allow about six hours to complete the route which can be walked in either direction. We're starting in the Pinna end. Pinna end. And going Cowley, Pinna to Cowley direction. And then the rest of it's just like there's a refreshment point on the map. I've got basically I printed out a map of the route. The walk can be completed in small sections to suit the individual needs through planning ahead and using public transport.

I've got a small section need. Yeah? Yeah? I've got another stinky coming. You might want to move over here. I'm lighting my cigarette. So the plan is that we're going to give ourselves four hours to do a six-hour journey,

but we're allowing shortcuts and public transport. the deal is we have to get from here to the grand union canal at cowley at cowley by six o'clock it's a race against time and it's a few minutes before two now is it yeah but we're not we're not going to just bus it the whole way because along the way we'll be stopping off to play a segmented uh what's that word you like modular price of shite price of shite it comes in in um rearrangeable sections modules if you will yes so along the way i'll be stopping and say hark look at this item and we'll be talking about it and then moving on then when we get to our final destination you'll be making your uh guesses oh i see you'll say you'll show me each item each item is a a module, like a little sizzler module, basically.

Yeah, it's just like a little segment. Little sizzler module, say it after me. Oh, there's a train. Is that Piccadilly Line? That's the Metropolitan Line. That's going to Pinner right now, and then on its way down towards Oldgate on the Metropolitan Line. It certainly is.

Through King's Cross. So we're going to start here. What time has that gone, mate? It's literally... Oh, it's nearly time. 15 seconds, then we've got to get going. Now, you didn't... There's no history of why it's called the Celandine Route.

I can look it up on the way. That's what I really want to know. To me, that sounds like marketing speak. Like they had a committee and sat down and like... It sounds like Celador. Like it's got a lot of nice sounding phonemes in it. Do you know what I'm saying? There's probably a reason why it's called the Celad and, like, it sounds like sell a door. Like, it's got a lot of nice-sounding phonemes in it. Do you know what I'm saying? There's probably a reason why it's called a sell-a-deen, though, isn't there?

I think it's either a person who... It's now two o'clock. We've got to move. It's either a person who is, like, a philanthropist. Is that the word? Yeah. Who's a rich guy who gave money, who funded it, who said, I want my fucking name on it.

Or I reckon that's marketing speak. Let's have a nice sounding, it sounds like a meandering, winding river. Doesn't it? Selendine, like sell a door. You know, because why did sell a door call themselves sell a door? Eli, shut your fucking stupid mouth, because I'm bored of your stupid whinging.

No, one last, it's not whinging, one last point. Sell a door, call it sell a door, because sell a door, as in the door of a seller, is meant to be the most beautiful phrase in the English language, isn't it? Cellar door, two words that are boring on their own but together sound quite nice. Cell and dean. Like my wind. Of which I think there will be plenty.

So look, it's going. If we just cross the two o'clock, going. So we're going to start on our route now. It's a whistle-stopped four-hour adventure to get to the grand union canal along the river pin we better get going elight when are we going to talk to them again when we get to our first stop and we're going to look at our first item oh as and when as and when as and when we still got to do a video diary of this as well so i'll be getting the video camera out in a minute and we'll be filming with video so let's get going ladies and gentlemen welcome it's a cheap show walk against the clock as we head along the river pin to the Grand Union Canal.

Join us. It's whistle stop. Toot, toot, toot, toot. Toot, toot, toot. Eli saw some bloody birds then he got excited there's more birds here Eli do you want to shit a brick now no they weren't in colourful birds that are kept in an aviary over there they're some budgies standard pigeons and geese why don't you kick some I'm not going to kick a bird I love that goose Birds are my spirit animal. Saladine root was still on it. We're on the Saladine root.

So, yeah, we went past the... Be careful, because there is the celery root and the clementine root and other vegetables sounding like that root, so don't watch out. I will seriously turn this podcast around and go home if you don't behave. What do you mean?

We've already wasted 15 minutes with you staring at birds. Oh, Mr Serious. Pin a bowling club. There's a bowling club. Look, okay, Paul, is that what we're doing? Just reading out signs that we see? It welcomes new members.

A bit like my bum hole. How about that? So, Eli, you're in charge of the map, I've decided now, on this route. So, I've printed it all out. So, it's all in stages. We're on the first stage. Here's another sign. It's well signposted so far, Eli. Very well sign well sign posted so i i suggest we just stick to the signs yeah um

stick to the road boys stick to the road boy all right so uh town or is it even town this is really is the suburbs isn't it really is i just wanted to mention there was a heath robinson museum as well where i did a wizard joke for the video about how... Just repeat it. I'm gonna repeat it. Nah, I can't. I'll say it for the video. Keep church in state.

But it is a whizzer gag about the impracticality of being able to... There's a very good named road coming up, Paul. Dixon Fold. It's called the Dixon Fold and that's what my mother-in-law calls her. Chutney. It wasn't worth turning this on, I've just realised now. So we're just going to carry on with the walk. We're going to carry on with this walk

and come back to you a few spots from now when we can find it. It's a lovely little area though, isn't it? Very quaint. Nice cottage-style buildings. Very rural, this section almost. Very pastoral. Mummy, mummy,

what's your woo-woo hole called? It's my Dixon Fold, little boy. Oh, Dixon Fold wall. Oh, look, Eli, here's a funny one. Hillcrest Avenue. No, that's not funny. Like when my dick is hard and it's a crest

and it looks like a hill in my pants. Dixon Fold is objectively a funny name for a thing. I'll find a funnier one. I bet you... Clams and Splat. There's no road called Clams and Splat. There is nothing like that.

Look at these houses. Yeah, I bet they cost a pretty fucking penny, though. Well, I don't know. You're in charge of the map, aren't you? So, look. It's a race against the clock. We're already... Hang on.

It's already 15 minutes gone. And we've been too busy with you staring at birds and trying to fuck statues of dogs in the park. I didn't try and fuck you. You fucked it. These really are lovely sort of turn-of-the-century arts and crafts style cottage houses. Yeah. So, let's just carry on with our walk because we haven't really started yet. In a West End town, I'm a Nenem girl. Right, here we go.

We've seen a sign saying West End Court. West End boys and West End Avenue girls. And court. West End court. Ba-bop, ba-bop. So let's... Can they follow us along online? Is the map available online?

There is a map online. I can put a link to it on our web page for this episode. But we're not going to be doing this forensically. We're not going to record the whole route. So we'll just tell you when we reach certain numbers on the map and you can follow it that way i guess if you want to when we come to this little mini roundabout uh here mini roundabout right okay let's uh they're on the left now yeah let's uh crack on we've got a lot of walking to do on a very cold autumnal chilly oh it's a little bit gray but also frosty in a nice way way kind of way gold way what's up with my laugh eli that was really weird do we go cram

born or the other way you think i cram my let's have a look at the map born you cram your born yeah you're right you got to make a decision where we go now, Eli. Cross West End Lane. Yeah, we've done that. With care, and turn left past the school. So we walk right past it. It's Rose Cottage. I think we may have gone too far. It's Rose Decorations.

Mate. You're in charge of the map, mate. And you're too busy. Cranbourne Drive, then turn right and enter Fooking Hill Allotments. So we go right here. There's Cranbourne Drive. So there's the allotments over there. Right, okay, we're back on it turn right yes because look there's the oh yeah the route sign there's the

route sign all right cool right didn't take too long come on love drive your car beep beep come on beep beep just stop staring at us drive something important she wants to get out and blow you sorry oh i've got a busy day we're going to stop my car in the street and give a stranger a She thinks it's something important. She wants to get out and blow you. Sorry. Oh, I've got a busy day. We're going to stop my car on the street and give a stranger a blowjob because he's recording something. Look. Yeah, a lot. Lovely.

Right, can we stop now and then carry on with this a bit later? We're going to carry on with this a bit later. Mate! I stepped in a frog. Yeah, there's a dead duck on your feet. Oh, no. Well, that's as good as time as any to stop this, I guess. So yeah. So you know I'm boosting the sound on that.

That was so loud. You had it right there. I had it right there. Eli, I did another stinky. Well, leave it back there. I planted it just there, mate. Don't come near me. look at this. Oh mate. Took it with me. That's clinging to the fabric of your fucking clothing my friend. Mate. That's really on the egg side. Mate I'm sorry.

It really is. Oh god that's a spicy one. Rotten egg is the word. This is great. Now there's a little road across from here. There's the bridge. There's a little bridge over the cylinder. So we're on the public footpath.

Is this definitely the right route still? I don't know. Check the map. There's another map here. Long Meadow. Yeah, that's where we want to go. I presume we're at the Hindman Cops. Cross Sheeny Street.

I believe this is Sheeny. Right. And enter Long Meadow. Okay. Yeah? Open space where cows used to graze. Walk ahead past a group of poplar trees. I can see the poplars.

Oh, yeah, right there. Oh, that's really pretty. We'll take a picture of that. So we are on the right route then. We're going to go all the way along Long Meadow then, where we'll maybe see a pipistrelle bat, a pond skater, holly blue butterfly,

a little egret, a three-spined stickleback a cot or you a common frog right so we are now walking now I've worn the wrong shoes for this. It's a very muddy day, and that's fine. But this is a very beautiful ring of trees, isn't it? Poplars. Poplars. Are they popular?

Probably, because they're very nice looking, Paul. So tell us... They're a circle as well, so should we go around? Poplar, popular, popular, popular. Plopular. Count Plopular. Eli, tell us all about why this root's called the Celandine root The root is called Celandine, I discovered

because, and I quote In spring, a common yellow flower called Celandine can be here and at many places along the walk They named it after the flower So it's a common flower along the root But we won't be seeing it today because we are in full autumn. Full late autumn isn't it? Yeah because Christmas uh no winter season doesn't start until uh I think it was like the 10th of December or something. You always think

like winter starts earlier don't you because you never think of it starting deep into December. Well the actual the fact of the matter is, Paul, is there's different definitions of what winter, what all the seasons is and are. Who's got these difference of opinions? I know there's different calendars and different cultures. I read recently that winter is

shut up, is supposed to start on the winter solstice, which I believe is the 21st of December. So that's winter proper. I'm getting cloggy boots now i've got cloggy shoes i shouldn't have worn these shoes i didn't expect to be i didn't think it's going to be quite the muddy journey there's the pin there's the pin pin again i thought there might have been like nice pathways not this muddy gulch oh mate this is going oh you're, you're going to hit the shit. I can't afford to fall over today.

Let's go on the grass over here. So that's nice. I hope you don't, but in a way I kind of do hope you hit the slits. No, thank you. Hit the slits. Hit the shit. I mean, at least one pair of Walkabout episodes I injure myself in some fucking way or fall over like a pranny.

So, John, the bookie's favourite is you slip on the shit and hit your head on the mud. However, I've put money on Eli accidentally falling face first in the mud when I put my foot out and he trips over my shoes. I'm not. Listen, I've got a great little centre of gravity. No, you don't. I think because it's so low. Well, that's what centre of gravity is.

Yeah. A stout yeoman. A stout spring-like tree. Springing back. Voing! I'm sap-filled and strong, and yet I have give, I give, I yield, I have yield in my sap. What are you talking about? Poetry, Paul.

What step are we on now? We've got 21 to get through. I don't fucking know. I wipe my arse with the paper this is like the Blair Witch now where it's like

what happened to the map I kicked it in the river is that what happens in the Blair Witch yeah he has a strop on and throws it he's such a dick they're all pretty dickish

aren't they well you know you don't know how you're going to cope when you find yourself lost in the woods do you you just don't know Eli

now the path has has hardened hardened up again it's stiffened like eli's cuckoo mound i'm a sap filled stoke yowman of the board oh look at this lovely old oak i believe oh that is a very lovely oak and there's some information up so we'll get there there's another another sign, I can see a signage. So far this is a lovely, surprising little sojourn through the north-west London route. Where's Cowley? I presume it's kind of... It's way out below. It's more west than London than north, isn't it? Right, anyway, it's a bit too posh for us here.

We're naughty roustabouts walking through a privileged wood. I'm on the big thick grass for I can't afford to have slippy poo poo slide slide action. The wet grass is your bet bet. Better bet. Better bet. 8-8-8. Right okay well we'll come back to you later. We're on the route. What time is it now? It's just gone off two. So we've got three and a half hours left. I think whenever we have to hit like a major road walk that's when we'll jump on a bus or a train or whatever

to skip that to the next wonderful woodland or I don't know where that will be conservation area I can't keep going now past the old oak I'm going to take a photo of that yeah take the old picture oak

right off we go marching all the way take a picture of me being fucking excellent by a tree alright I've done it thank you alright see you in a bit Take a picture of me being fucking excellent by a tree. All right, I've done it. Thank you. All right, see you in a bit.

Oh, mate. So let me just set what's going on. We found the swing, so all things have stopped. Now, however, the swing is in a very weird position. It's kind of like dangling over a big well. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll bring it to you. Oh!

It's a steep incline, Eli. Right. Hang on. Muddy. Oh! It's muddy. It's muddy, man. Please don't do anything

until I get my camera out to film this. It's very muddy, Eli. I have the tail of the swing and I'm bringing it along the steep embankment to Eli. Swing it to me. No, I'm going to bring it to you. It's easier. I've got it.

All right, don't do a single fucking thing until I film this, you twat. Oh, I'm sinking in the mud, Eli. I'm sinking in the mud. Stop this. I'm sinking. Hang on. It's a muddy day. Here we go.

I'm filming. Eli has found the swing. Oh, hang on. Filming. Action action here he goes very brave it's very steep and high here he goes gives it a good tug to test the strength of the rope go for it oh he's going for it but how does he get down nice no nicely done right my turn my turn my turn you film it it's still filming you it's intense you've just got to hold on all right i'm attaching the microphone to me this is action gannon news break the microphone if you fall on it i won't i've just got to find a place to put it where it can record me.

Right, hang on, here we go. I'm tucking it in. Careful, I would have one hand on the actual rope itself. Why? Oh, fell! Oh no! I'm going backwards! Jack, you've got to get on there!

Hey! Eat that, nature! Swing masters! Yeah! Eat that, nature. Swing masters. Yeah. We're coming at you. Right, let's get going. Let's get going back on the route.

So there we go. Oh, God. We're either of us into ourselves. Well, what a thrilling piece of action that was. What did you think of the swing? Good action. It's fun when you're out over the valley, isn't it? Yeah, it's good. Nice action.

Anyway, back on the walk. We got a little bit lost. We're on the pin again here. So we're walking over the valley, isn't it? Yeah, it's good. Nice action. Anyway, back on the walk. We got a little bit lost. We're on the pin again here. So we're walking on the main road because the instructions are okay. Sure you don't want to go up Eastcote House Gardens? No, because it doesn't tell us to. We've got to keep to Joel Street

and then we get... Barlards here. Barlards, Paul. Lovely barlards. Lovely barlards, Pete. We did have a little bit of a confusing moment, but we're back on now. To be fair, though, we did see signs saying, see our this way. And then when we went that way, it just gave up on giving us directions.

And so sometimes, you know, the infrastructure ages and isn't isn't. And gates are locked up and fences are put where they are and so forth. You know? Yeah, I'm just saying on the on the scale of a few months, so you know. Oh, there's the bridge. That's what they must have been talking about, that bridge there. It isn't explicit on the map, but... It's fine, but back on. I think we've missed an exit

and we could have easily come out that way. I once mixed it up. Yeah, finding an arsehole gag, is it? Finding an arsehole gag, Eli. Oh, look, is that a tent? Yeah. Is someone living out there? Must be.

Or it's when they're fishing. Oh, it's beautiful. I'm going to take a photo. Take a little picture of that. Right, so that's it. We're going to get back on the walk. We've already lost... What time is it now?

It's nearly three o'clock. We've wasted an hour, and then we wasted five minutes on the swings, but you can forgive us for that. Right, okay. We're going to go this way, that good okay cool right see you in a bit time's on the clock one hour down three to go and we're only at stage seven on a 21 stage route can we do it the answer's no but we're going to fix it anyway

right we're back on the route after our little swing adventure again as Eli said it's very linear Right, we're back on the route after our little swing adventure. Again, as Eli said, it's very linear. It's a squirrel. He's run off. Who? What's going on? The squirrel. Oh, have you never seen one before?

I've seen one before. You can't shut up. Right, anyway. So we're now heading towards the King's College playing fields where we will do part one of our Price of Shite. Alfresco. Alfresco modular Price of shite adventure. And I've put the map on my new fancy watch. Tron-like green arrow pointing us in the direction. Well, I didn't think to put the route into Google Maps

and see if it's built into it. And apparently it is. So I then could beam it to my watch. Instead of getting my phone out all the time, I could just flip my wrist and then have a bit of fun. A whole bit of smudge comes out. So, but what about the watch? I'll fucking kill you on this fucking route.

I'll fucking kill you leaving the brambles. Don't, why? Jackie Brambles. I'll bury you in Jackie Brambles. Can I have the mic for a second? Yeah. Now, we did get a bit confuddled, didn't we, back then?

Yeah. And I do think that's because There used to be a gate Next to the Sequoia But now there's a closed fence And also The infrastructure wasn't Of the route

Wasn't really good It was a little bit muddy Because like one sign Was saying go this way But the route said Go the opposite way And keep to the main road So we went to the route

Signposted In real life And found that It led to an exit That wasn't there anymore So that's why we doubled back. But again, we found the swing. We had a little arc. As far as I'm concerned, that's a net gain

for the podcast. It is. Swings are always a net gain. Swings and roundabouts, isn't it, mate? Swings and roundabouts. Well, there have been one swing and plenty of roundabouts so far. Well, here we are. We're coming up to it. So here we go. Let's just get across this road. Carry on this weird little linear pathway we're on yes

and then uh settle down in a place where we can have a little break quick of the old and then we can uh play one of the first items yeah okay right here we go oh it's very cloistery meaning uh it's a word that i sounded like it was old you know know what cloisters are? They're things in monasteries, generally. Cloisters. Or ecclesiastical buildings have cloisters, where people sit and pray. Yeah. It's not cloistery.

Is your gooch cloistery? It's moistery. Moistery gloistery. That wasn't bad, was it? Moister in the cloister. How about that? I've got a terrible case of moistery. Moistery in the cloister how about that i've got a terrible case of moisture in the cloister oh what's this person doing oh cars right let's just get on let's just get off the road and we'll come back to you in a little while see you then Right, we have taken a break in the middle of this playing field where there are football goalposts around us.

There's no one here. As far as I can see, we're the only people in this field on this gloriously cold, chilly day. Eli's right, though. We're losing light. So let's crack on. We are losing the light. But now, Paul.

It's the Priso de Shiso. El Fresco. El Fresco de Shiso. Good. El Fresco de Shiso. The Priso de Shiso. El Fresco. Uno Priso de Fresco de Shiso.

Good times, Eli. So, along this route, I'm going to show you three items, one at a time, right? Yeah. And you're just going to have to have a little guess. Your first bollock, your second bollock, then the nod. The full todge. Left nut, right nut, then full todge. Left nut, right nut, then full todge.

Double-dush, double-dush. Full todge. Double-dush. Double-dush. Left-dush, left-right-dush, double-dudge, todge. Full-dodge, full-dodge, double-dodge, todge. double two left right double touch there are three items right overall i'm going to be honest with you i spent no more than four pounds fifty i'm narrowing it for you so i'm not not being a dick you really did well that's not a lot of money here's's your first item, Eli.

I'm going to start with what I think is the least interesting of these items. But here it is. He's handed me a booklet. What is it? It looks like a Cockney. I've seen one of this before. Yeah. The cover of this little pamphlet style booklet has rhyming Cockney slang written on the side of a classic London red double decker bus.

The original. A route master. Right. So do we think this is going to be actual rhyming slang yeah i think it is so it's like dry yeah well there's probably a little bit of rye cottony whimsy to it stairs you know that is apples and pears yeah you test me bottle bottle bottle and strife wife no bottle what is bottle and cork stalk what is the bottle on what's the rhyming slang for bottle oh oh you're giving me the bottle on. What's the rhyming slang for bottle?

Oh, you're giving me the bottle. I'm giving you the English. I want the rhyming slang word. Give up? Yeah. It's hard to think backwards. Aristotle. Aristotle.

Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle. Give me the rhyming thing and then I have to guess the word. Artful Dodger. Todger. Lodger. No, Todger. I'll get the old artful. Auntie Nellie. Telly. Artful Dodger. Todger. Lodger. No, Todger. I get the old artful... Aunty Nelly. Telly.

Belly. Fuck. Aunty Ella. Ella, Ella. Rihanna. Yes. Er, Ella. Aunty Ella.

Tenor. Ella, Ella. I'm giving you fucking... Tampons. Fucking dick. Sanitary towels. Do you really can't get it? Mella.

George Mella. Umbrella. Oh, Umbrella. So you said Rihanna there. I know, but I forgot she did a song. You're such a fucking idiot. I forgot she did a song called Umbrella. Ball of Chalk.

Stork? No, it's what we're on. I've got a proper ball of park. No, it's what we're on. Walk? Yes. We're having a what? Ball of Chalk.

Come on, have a little ball of chalk with us. This is good. I like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like this. Bow and Arrow? Clive like this. Bow and arrow. Clive Darrow. Bubble and squeak.

Have a little peek. Beak, as in magistrate. Oh, okay. The bubble. The bubble put me down for 10. Oh. I'm doing porridge because the bubble put me down. I've got a bubble on me porridge.

The beak pecked me for 10. Come on, give us another. Bristol cities. Titties. Yeah, you see see gavin knows that stuff bow peep sleeve yeah so i do one for you i'll do one from the back this is good right so yeah it's just a book of rhyming slang it looks legit sounds legit though all right uh jack and jill what do you think that is? It's a hill. No. Pill. No. My Aunt Lil.

Till. As in cash. Cash till. Jack and Jill. Put it in the jack and. Put it in the jack and. Jimmy Riddle. Piddle.

Yeah. As in wee wee. Go for a wee wee. Yeah, I knew that. Kiber Pass. Ass. Yeah, you can stick it up your kiber. Yeah. I love this.

Kate and Sydney. This is just so annoyingly obvious that when you get it and I tell you you'll be cut almost kidney there's no other word

that sounds like that the answer is it says Kate and Sydney steak and kidney steak and kidney okay oh Kate and Sydney Lillian Gish

splish I'm forgetting it's the cheap showbook of fucking light slang. Is it Splish? No, it is. Lillian Gish is fish. Fish, yeah. Yeah. Indeed.

I've heard Lillian. It stinks of Lillian. I feel gashed. I've splished. All right, you've done enough now. Anyway, we've done enough now splished a million anyway we've done enough of that how much do you think that is

I don't have to tell you now no we're doing that at the end it's modular yeah do you want me to have a little guess no you can have a little guess if you want

and I'll say nothing I think it was 50p alright okay cool well shall I put it back in the bag put it back in here I'll keep it could be less I want to see the other items

before I come down I think that's fair right well let's carry on then I've had a little splish on a Lillian Gish let's crack on with this walk full todge little splish on a Lillian Gish. Let's crack on with this walk. Nug, full todge on.

Right, what time is it? We have fucked it. We're never going to get to the end. It's twenty past three. We need to do some serious... We've only got an hour of light. Yeah. At the most.

At the most. Really. And we've got at least two hours to go. And we need to get on some public transport soon as. Yeah, well, I reckon we'll do that. We'll do that. Listen, let's just crack on, for we have a lot of walking ahead of us

and little time to do it. Come on, everyone. Up, up, up. I don't know what I'm saying. Along the pin. Come on. Up along the pin. Come and join in as we walk along the pin.

Hello. Oh, it's all very mulchy. It's all very wet along this certain path. Hang on. Oh, I have not worn the right shoes for this. It's very mulchy. Eli, where are you? Here.

Oh, I got stuck in the bog I got stuck and I got frightened Eli it's very soft on the foot right what does it say with these bridges what does it say when it gets to the end of the bridge because doesn't it say cross the road or something? End of the open space turn left footbridge into Westcote Rise then take first right along Woodville Gardens. No this is the right route, this is the right route, we haven't gone wrong. Right we go up here then? Why don't we go across the grass though? Because it says public footpath. Alright, you take a picture of this fucking excellent fucking Victorian.

Oh, he's seen a gas pipe or something. I'm not interested. Weak bridge. That's what it says here. Public footpath. See, there's a whole gate there. and I don't know where that goes. No that's a road. Right I don't know where we're going. Right we're going to check the map when he takes all the pictures he wants of a fucking Victorian metal box. What? What's wrong?

Well, there's the pin, so we're on the right route, right? We haven't gone off-piste. We've just got to figure out if we're going to go that way or not. Well, can we work it out then, please? It's working out then. It's if you're too busy fucking taking pictures of metal Victorian boxes. We'd have a plan by now. How good is that box, though? Not very.

It's Edwardian, I think, probably. I don't care. Turn of the century. You're more interested in that than getting lost. It's because we've got little mud, muddy, muddy feet. Do you want to know what it's like to have your body found in a fucking river? Do you want to have people mourn your death? If you actually tried to murder me, I would put up a big fight, Paul, and you would be

crying. You wouldn't. With your teeth in your hands. Because I'd bite at your perineum. Like that. All of the themes coming together now. Tear it out. You're becoming the dog. You're becoming the fucked dog. in your hand. Because I'd bite at your pony and... Like that. All of the themes coming together now.

You're becoming the dog. You're becoming the fucked dog. Yeah, and you'll fuck me. Why? Anyway. Why don't you check the map? Can you help me? And stop being so fucking weird.

How many death threats have you done this walk so far? Well, how many times have you complained about not knowing where the map is and then you've got the map? I don't know where the fuck we are.

Here's the thing. Every time you've had the map, we've gone off p's the thing every time you've had the map we've gone off piste and every time i've had the back we've done all right yeah that's there it's that building there okay so we've go past that yeah on our left we keep going down let's go back we could have gone across the field i guess but it now i want to stay on some dry land for a bit you've ruined this now you've ruined this now oh someone's put their decorations up early. I hate them. It's fine. It's not fine.

Is December 1st still too early? One week before Christmas and one week after. That's when you're going to have your decorations. And then what, you go round with your deaf squad? Yeah. Like, oh, it's the Gannon squad. It's coming to enforce Christmas jollity. He's the fun killer murderer.

He's going to come and kill Christmas. You just walked through a dog turd. No, I didn't. You did. Where? That smear. It was a leaf. It's good luck, that, you know, stepping in dog shit.

Just saying. Why have you got... What's that? It's a trough. Oh, it's a little allotment area. Maybe it's a trough oh it's there's in bank oh it's a little allotment area maybe it's a water

storagey kind of thing for his irrigation of his crops now take back what you said about me talking to Stephanie I'll talk

yeah no I'll take that back as soon as I fucking hear understand what you said allotment site Pinway allotment site right well we're doing that

let's just fucking shut up what shut up you've made us get lost on three occasions now. I have. And I've found our way back on all three occasions. Just to know you haven't. I was a good

Cub Scout, a Chub Scout. A good Chub Scout. I was a Chub Scout and I know my orienteering. Cat! He's not interested, mate. Looks a bit soggy. Crop swap. I'm a local artisan jam and chutney businessman yeah we've all seen those posters we've all seen those posters right let's try and find our way back here we go there's there there's the

winston churchill place yeah. Yeah, we're good. We're good. Paul, here we are, and we're standing with the pin still very much within sight. I think I can hear it, a tinkle-a-linkle. No. That is a tinkle-a-linkle. We can hear it, but I don't think the sound recorder could. We are standing by some river infrastructure wellhead thing.

Yeah. Tonk, tonk. I don't need to tell you, Paul, but for our listeners, both of our enthusiasm for this walk has waned steeply in about the last five minutes. Fuck this! Fuck you! I'm enjoying this for the record. We're in a pastry. I have damp toes now.

We're heading towards a golf course soon. We're heading towards a golf course soon. I forgot to be on mic. But before that, I want to give you your second item on this price of shite. We're losing light fast. Here we go. You're going to like this one, I think. It's a lovely little bit of objet d'art, a little bit unusual.

And I think you'll get something out of it on many levels, Eli. And I say that most sincerely. Really? Yeah, here we go. It's going to be crap. No, it's not. Well, it is, but it's crap in a good way. Tell us what you see.

I see glassware. Oh, I took the sticker off you always keep the sticker on right in the back pocket it's in my back pocket right the stickers this is a glass bear yeah paul a hollow glass bear and has a plastic hat on yeah and on that hat on the brim of the hat it's not is that the brim of the top what's the top bit called the top of the hat on the on the brim no on the brim is there isn't it on the brim of the hat is that the brim or the top what's the top bit called the top of the hat on the brim no the brim is there isn't it

on the the crest the crown crown of the hat the cap cap it says I love honey

I heart honey I heart honey I love honey it's a honey jar soaked like a bear yeah how do you it's got a nice lid

it's got a lid that's a sniff smells like someone stored honey in it a long time ago. Oh, it does. But at least they've given it a good cling. So there you go. I like that.

It's a honey bear. I think it was sold with honey in, wasn't it, originally? Do bears like honey outside of Winnie the Pooh? Or is that just a Winnie the Pooh affectation? No, they do. Does Yogi Bear like honey? It's not what honey actually is, right? A bee.

No, but it's almost pure sugar. The amount of calorific risk-reward ratio. Do you see what I mean? bear like honey what honey actually is right a bee it's no but it's almost pure sugar the amount of calorific risk reward ratio do you see what i mean you don't have to chase it down it's stuck there to a tree and you're a bear and you're like who gives a fuck i'm a bear swipe to shit i think it is more species specific they're like they're honey bears that actually go out they they've been they've adapted evolutionarily to climb then they climb up and they get the whole thing and the bees attack them like bastards but they don't mind because they've got thick hides and hair right it must be hard for a bee to sting i think um honey badgers the notorious badasses of the

of the animal world you know honey badger they don't mess around they don't mess around but they i think they get bitten by snakes and sort of pass out a bit and then recover. And so there probably is a certain level of bee stings. Imagine being a double-hard, badass animal where it's like you got bitten by a venomous snake and you're like, I'll just sleep this off. They are honestly super badass. They're terrible. Yeah. Mean ass bastards.

So that's your second item. You need to be quite hardy to be able to put up with the stings. That's my second item. That's the second item. It's a honey bear jar. I like this, Paul. You're right. I told you.

And you had a bear called Honey, remember? I did. Do you want that? Do you want Kitch? I would. You can have that then. I'm thinking 450 was the limit. This could have been...

I mean, it was obviously just a jar that Honey was sold in. So it's like one of those mustard, those beer glasses that they sell mustard, you know, on the you've seen those have you seen or it's more likely like a limited edition thing this brand of honey did for christmas or easter and you could buy it and it was nice i'm putting it in my bag paul good honey there so that's your second item let's crack on with this walk because we're losing light and although we like a good walk in the dark no that's it i like a walk i like a walk in the dark why i like walking in the woods at night i haven't got room for this bear all right give it back to me then and i will look after it until

such time you wish to take it off my hands okay right shall we crack on then governor yes i might need to go for a jimmy riddle somewhere soon but we'll find that i want to do it in the in the golf woods because i like the idea of pissing on golf okay good right bye everyone see you in a little bit bye Yes, because remember the thing said do not cross the path, footbridge, carry on and go under the rail infrastructure. We're just going to have a very useful sign showing we're going the right way because it's been graffitied but there's the Selandine route, we're on it still. As we were just talking about before we started recording, it's like lots of this walk

really does feel like you're out in the country in the middle of nowhere, right? It really does. But then you're plopped back into all of a sudden like a little street with families and cars and then you're plopped back

into another field again. It's getting really dark and werewolfy at the moment. Oh, here's a sign. Which way is the walk? Left or right at this fork? It said stay on the... Right, it did say stay on the right

but yet... No, that's the Hillingdon Trail. That's a different thing. We do not need to get involved with... You don't did say stay on the right but yet no that's the hillingdon trail that's a different thing we do not need to get involved with the hillingdon trail yeah are you sure this is it the hillingdon trail comes off meets with the the with this selandine trail yeah here route around here well the hillingdon trails one to i believe you like you can now say it comes around here it comes around here um we could do that another day paul yeah hillingdon trail would you be interested i don't know we'd have to do an investigation because we don't want to you know go over too many similar routes do we while we're doing this we're talking about maybe doing epping forest next year oh yeah well there was really big you'd have to be really careful.

Why? Get lost or anything. How can you get fucking lost in this modern day and age? It's ridiculous the concept. I don't know. Ridiculous concept. Oh mate this is mulchy as fuck. Mulchy fibbage.

Oh you're scribbly grobbly through my blobble groff. Come on. You're scribbling me grobble off. Say it. Do you like it, Rain Man? Say garbage. Oh, I tell you what, it's lovely garbage round here, isn't it? All garbage and blobble.

What a guy. This is my favourite kind of place where it's all gribbly and bobble and flobbles. Oh, yes, Mr. Multi-Fibbage. It's very mulchy round here to the point where I think I've ruined my nice new shoes. You have? Well, luckily you only paid two quid. Yeah, I only paid two quid for them because they're shoes-owned purchasers. Are they? Yeah.

They're proper cheap ones, good. Yeah. Right. God, it's really... Look, you can see cars and roads there, so you know there's civilisation, but where we are right now... Honestly, I think we should... What?

I don't want to get too deep in when it's dark. I honestly don't. We're safe together. We're not. I'll look after you. Why are you such a big baby? I'm just... self-preservation, society. So you're a coward.

I'm just a big baby. I'm just self-preservation, society. So you're a coward. I'm just saying, I'll be abandoning this, and you. What, if it gets a bit too dark and a spooky path? Yes. God, that's pathetic. I would be... imagine something came after us. Coward. Yeah, but I would run faster than you and you'd be sacrificed for the good of my existence. Well, there you go again.

Deflecting your debt onto someone else. Yeah, you, a lesser person. Jesus Christ. Fine. Stop the recording. No. I want the world to know I literally consider you a lesser human being than me. Turn it off.

Come on, say something funny about that. I'm not. There's nothing funny to say. Nothing funny to say because it's true. Well, it doesn't shine a good light on you in the eyes of others outside of us two. You can't laugh at facts, Mr Silverman. I fucking hate this mud.

I can't fucking concentrate. I keep going to fall over. It's all garbage. A lot of garbage. Right, let's just crack on. Let's just crack on. Let's just crack on. What time is it?

It's 20 past four, mate. Let's crack on. We've got just over 90 minutes to get as close as we can to the end of the trail. Right? We're not going to get any further here today. Oh, boo-hoo, Mr Defeatist. Look at the river. It's flooded.

It's all multi-fibbage land. It's Mr. Defeatist. Look at the river, it's flooded. It's all mulch-y fibbage land. There's a big field over there as well. No. We're staying on the trail. I've got the treasure map, the Goonies treasure map that I've been looking at and again for the reference ladies and gentlemen on this walk, every time I've had the map we've stayed too true every time Eli's had it, it's been hey! oh!

I'm not helping you you said you wanted me to die fair, I'll give you that come on, it's getting better alright, it's getting a bit better now on the foot seeing a bit boys and girls oh yeah, it's opening up now, here we go let's get back on the trail

update, i'm frightened we've had to take us it got very muddy for a moment and very scary and then we got to the bit where it said go this way and we can't because there's all this construction look there's a lot of construction a large construction site what does it look like they're building doesn't look like houses it looks like infrastructure maybe look There's a lot of construction, a large construction site. And there's halls. What does it look like they're building? It doesn't look like houses. It looks like infrastructure, maybe. Look, there's a big span on a crane there. Yeah. And look at these foundations.

They don't look like house foundations. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know what I mean, though? I do know what you fucking mean. Yes. Paul is frightened because the path we've had to leave, we're on a diversion, a temporary diversion that they've put in.

And it's now very dark very very wicker man around here for want of a better word we're literally on a like a path that goes to nowhere away at leading us away from the lights yeah we have to join the lights this is becoming quite a scary walking life i know i told you i didn't expect it i honestly thought this route was going to be mostly on high streets. We have to get on the road and go home, basically. Show me the third item on a bus. And then... We do, Paul.

What do you mean, no? No. I'm not giving up on this show as easy as you are. Yeah, little Mr. Shit-Your-Pants-Coward-Boy. He doesn't want to go on an adventure with his best friend at night in the woods in liminal space. My trousers are wet. Yeah.

God, it's haunting. That is quite mad, isn't it? It's kind of haunting being here right now. That is a crazy building site in the gloom. Look, the train goes past there. Oh, look at it. You missed it. I missed the train.

Oh, I saw it. So I think we did... Yeah, that's where we're meant to go under that train, but we're going to go round. Look at that big piece of concrete on a rope. Look. It's HS2, isn't it? Yeah, oh, it's where we're meant to go under that train, but we're going to go around. Look at that big piece of concrete on a rope. Look. It's HS2, isn't it? Yeah, oh, it's the HS2 because there was a sign.

We had to go on another little route. There was a sign saying protesting it still. But they're fucking building it already. Because they had to rearrange the golf course so that the HS2 can run by it. That must be high speed too. They're building. I mean, I presume they're still building it. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

Look, they're building there. There's a fucking span in the air. Bridge span in the fucking air. Oh. Oh, maybe this is... Yeah, you're right. This is what they're building then. Maybe they're building

some kind of bridge for the thing or a tunnel. They definitely are. A tunnel or a bridge. Yeah. It's just... It's just... This is Little Village

being encroached by the needs of the bigger cities. Yeah. We're right on the edge of it all. Yeah. Proper edge of London here. And this just looks like a path going to someone's private residence.

And that's that. And that's the end of the line. That is spooky. It's spooky. But look, there's a little path round... It's going round the side of these houses. Get your torch out. I'll get my torch out now.

Here we go. I brought my torch with me so we wouldn't have spookums. Oh, there's a little path around. It's going around the side of these houses. Get the torch out. I'll get my torch out now. Here we go. I brought my torch with me so we wouldn't have spookums. Oh, there's a main road there. Right. Right. Let's get our bearings at the main road, Eli. And then we'll figure out what we're going to do with the remaining hour or so of time we've got left. Spoiler warning.

I don't think we're going to do the whole walk today. Because Eli's a big shit-your-pants scary boy. And he wants to back out and get a bus every five seconds. Oh, another diversion, so we're not crossing the road. We're doing all right. All right, we're doing all right. Let's keep going up here. We'll keep going up here.

We'll see you later on what this has become. The most thrilling walk yet in Cheap Show history. I wouldn't go that far. No? It's nice, but I do have wet feet. And you're getting the fear. I can see it. You're getting the fear because you're getting all anxious.

I'm getting a bit anxious about how far out we are and there's a lack of any kind of... recognisable public transport. Transport? Well... It's just roads and... Dear listener, I, heroic adventurer Paul Gannon,

will make sure we get to our destination safely and soundly. Whereas Eli would rather shit his pants right now and go cry in a bush. Another hour. By six o'clock we said. There's still time, mate. There's still time. There are still many adventures ahead of us

as the night crawls upon us like a creeping blanket. Ooh. Say something astute. I'm just not in the mood. I'm sorry, Paul. What do you mean you're not in the mood? You're not in the mood to do a...

I'll tell you why I'm not in the mood. I've been walking now for like two hours. Is that right? Three. Three hours we've been walking. My feet are sodden. The bottom hems of my trousers are soaked through as well. Yeah?

And they're starting to touch coldly on the skin of my calves. Yes? Yes? And I've got you literally putting in what is, even for you, a C-minus today with your wit. I'm sorry. You're just not being very good. Excuse me!

That's why I'm dried out. You asked me why honey bears... Do honey bears eat honey? That's a good question. I didn't know if it was just an affectation of animation. Everyone will agree with me. You've tried, but you have fallen flat every time you've tried a funny bit.

And you know why? You can tell because you've turned to insulting me, calling me a coward, saying I will die, murder me, all of this shit about me. Pure projection. Just because I brought up your death. Come with me and you'll see

that Paul's got a lot of poor projection. You're in danger of getting run over right now. Oh, shut up. Shut up. Shut your fucking whinging, bitching, grinding face. You stupid fucking hairy baby. This was going well until you got a little mood on because you couldn't walk in the dark.

I've actually been enlivened by having a go at you. Me too. I'm feeling frosty and fruity. Let's do this. Let's do this. We're across this road, I think you should stop. No fucking, yeah, no fucking walk's gonna stop us. Right, let's go while we can. Just be careful. I'm being very careful. Yeah, we're good, we're good. Low bridge, low bridge mate, low bridge. Right, I don't know where we're going. We need to stop talking and start planning. Yeah, we're going we need to stop talking and start planning yeah we're going under the low bridge right see you later alligator oh fuck's sake what i said see you later alligator i feel bad you don't have to keep it in the podcast i do everything's raw

people like it raw oh this is really mad now, this photography here. Right, after the havoc of all that industrial work and the HS2 extension, we've found the route again. We're back on the route and we've gone past, Eli. Tell us. It's a medieval moat, the only surviving medieval moated structure remaining in Greater London, is what the thing said, Paul.

And it's called Pimchester Moat. Yeah. And we're on the outside. There was a settlement, like a little castle or stuff. And this part of the river that we're looking at now is the moat which would keep your your knights and your and your people your belongings safe from intruders in the night people coming across and you hear them splashing you hear someone like me going oh honestly splash we were talking about the holy grail this swell holy grail around here isn't it yeah i'm getting a proper folk horror vibe on it is completely dark

here now we're using a torch to light the way so right taking a picture of the moat with my very good camera looking for swales brook yeah so this is a long path now that runs along the pin as it has been it's on our right currently we're at stage what like 15 or something at the moment on the map and we were discussing how the paper printout you did has been invaluable and a lot easier to actually use in the field than than our phones i could have downloaded pdf to my phone you're right but then you're thinking about well i'm using the battery on my phone as well and also i've got to close and open it and you're going back and forth yeah we just say the paper is there it stays there it's dogged it's ready to go

when you need it. You grab it. You flip it. You lick it. You're in. You get your fingers wet. What are we talking about? Pussy, my friend.

Pussy, pussy. Dude bro Paul. Pussy. I'm dude bro Paul. Hey, hello, dude bro. I'm dude bro Paul. How you doing? Hey, how you doing?

How you doing now? I'm dude bro Paul. Now, this is the bridge where it says you can cross it. It's the playground that was mentioned. But it says not to do that. Mate, I'm going to ask you. No, I can't be fucked. There you go.

Right, you'll have a look at that. I'll turn the lights on, hang on. I've got many pockets. Right, so look at the map, Eli. Look at the map. Concentrate. There's a cyclist there. I was just making sure they weren't coming our way.

Oh yeah, fair enough. Right, so what stage is this on the map what number 15 i think it is 12 or 13. uh swakely's road dual carriageway but that must be above so we must be 14. next footbridge is near a play area yeah that's we can see it is possible to cross the river and turn right and walk back to the site of old pichester where i'm at so it's just saying you could do that and we could look at the mount we could go around there yeah could look at the mount, we could go round there and look at the actual mount for another day. And it's fucking pitch black.

Turn left, Ickenham Conservation Area. Village Pump. Yeah, that's what you call me. Wait, where is it though? You're just saying that. No, that's another little thing. It's saying you can go round up there

and look at a pump. Because we're at kind of an intersection now. continue through open space past tennis courts and another straight on forward that We're not going near that Christmas tree it's very atmospheric around here in here look at all those houses in the mist. Oh Oh God Fucking loving this I'm loving this walk. It is a good walk, and my feet are warming up a bit, actually. Yeah, it's because we haven't been walking through nothing but mud for the past half hour. And mulch-y fibbage. So we can just continue up here.

Right, okay. That'll do for now. Mulch-y fibbage has definitely been with us. In spirit. Guiding us in spirit. He's been all like St. Christopher. Yes. St. Mulch-ifer.

So mulch-y fibbage. Here's the playground oh if you get that maybe we'll get a multi-fibbage pendant for people to wear for journeys and walks yeah like the

yes yeah he's the he's the deity of the patron saint of cheap show walking is multi-fibbage yes

got it river walks right right we're going to take a stop off in a minute I'm going to do

the third and final item Eli we're going to do the third and final item okay but does this continue yeah yeah no we just follow this path now right till we get to the main road with swakely's wake but we're on the last page of the of the walk are we yeah we've got an hour to go it's literally five o'clock exactly right now okay so we could maybe do this let's see we'd have to get some transport maybe well let's just see when we get to the end of

this route what we can do next right and then we can fathom how we're going to get to the end right okay right exciting times the third item you do we'll do that in our next segment until then we keep on walking it's time to black and we don't know where we are and we're not sure if we're lost but we're near the river still so we haven't gone too far away have we? No, but we did have a little detour thing where we went to the wrong side of the river and then the path narrowed, mulchified, muddified. It was very Indiana Jones there for a second, for both of us.

Then we got across that. We saw a perfect mound in some suburb on the other side. Obviously, it had been landscaped, but it was just too perfect. It had that ominous, almost ballardian sort of weird uncanniness of the suburb vibe.

Do you know what I mean? What's that thing you saw in Hampstead Heath? Yes, I know what you mean. Shit! Have you noticed this? We are in the podium of truth, by the way, people. We found this weird little seating area. This weird little seating area where it's like a little metal bench in a circle.

It looks like a can of Tardis, almost, but without the walls. Or a lot of other stuff. Thanks, Dad. But I don't do the who, yeah? Don't talk to me So It's It has a very It has an effect on the sound

This weird Dead and reverb thing Are you getting that Yeah How's that picking up It's fine It's just a little bit more Tangy

I guess Okay Twangy So look Let's just do the last item here We're going to look at the map Figure out what we're going to do Yeah

And what time is it Do you want coffee now It's only 25 i want coffee now it's only 25 25 past five eli i've got my milk thermos yeah with me paul i'm all right for black it's only 25 past five yeah okay we've got we've got 25 or 30 minutes to get as far as we can and then wherever we are we stop and then you solve the price of shite right i need to see i need i'm going to do it now i've got the lamp on in this little area so we can see what's going on so apologize for the rustle and the kerfuffle on the on the bag i think funnily enough this is the appropriate pro po of all the items the most appropriate and most appropriate for fofo

It's the most apropo-po-po. For Fofo. It's the most apropo item. Hang on. Here, why don't you drink something out of that mug? Wait. This item might even solve all the mysteries, Eli. What do you mean?

This is item number three in the price... Yes, I do, but shut up. Hang on, I've left the sticker on again. I didn't have time before you turned up, did I, to take the stickers off, and I just thought, fuck him. I presumed you couldn't read anyway, so... That's enough. You won't see it. Right, here we go.

Eli Silverman, here is your third item on the price of a Desaitos. It's a fancy tin cafetiere, for one. Yeah. Not bad. It's not bad. It's one of those ones you put the coffee in, then you squeeze it down, and then you can still drink out of it or some shit. It's metal, though. Yeah. Not bad. It's not bad. It's one of those ones you put the coffee in and then you squeeze it down and then you can still drink out of it

or some shit. That's cool. As a one cupper, not bad, but I don't know about drinking out of metal. No. So nice,

but cafetiere, I don't know. You've won the mocha pot now. Cafetiere, you get the grainy bits. It's really hard to do a good cafetiere, do you know?

Once you've had like a mocha pot or you've had an AeroPress, you can go back so nice as that is it can't have been very much money because you said 450 for all three items you did well there yeah eye for a bargain yeah i got an eye for a bargain okay well do i guess now or do you want to get up to the sweat let's make a bit more forward movement let's have a smoke and a cup of coffee blah blah blah but that's the last item finishing And then we're finishing in half an hour. And I have to get to Walthamstow

tonight for my open-faced Chinese poker game. Right, okay. So you're on the clock with Cheap Show right now. And you do what Cheap Show says. And if Cheap Show needs you to stay after school to do a little bit more work... Stay after school? We've been mulching through the ultimate shit.

People are starting to give us really weird looks. It's starting to hit like prophetory homeland here where they're going to... There's no one's gone past in ages. And when they do... Do you want some coffee? Yes, I've got some coffee in your bed. Right, we're going to fucking do it. Right.

So that was your third and final item. You've got all three. You're going to mull it over in your head. You first of all had the Cockney rhyming slang book. Then it was followed by the glass I love honey bear. Finally, it was the cafeteria cup. Yeah.

What did I say? It was a bear. It was not a real bear. That's a glass bear, right? So that's fine. It's factually fucking accurate. It's a bear made of glass. It's made of glass because it has a jar. Yes, but if I say to you, the glass honey

bear, you know exactly what I'm fucking talking about. I know what you meant. I was just being pedantic. He's looming over me in the podium of truth. I tell you what, if you're not fucking careful, I'll give you my peen dactic. Oh, I wish that worked better in my head when it came out of my mouth.

That's what I mean. You're firing bad today. Mate. Don't try that. Peendactic. You're laughing. I've got what I want eventually. I'm laughing at how shit it is, like Jimbo or something.

You know what I mean? Jimbo. Now. Yeah. And what was the third item? The cafeteria tin cup. Thank you. Think what? Now, and what was the third item? The Cafetiere Tin Cup. Thank you. Personal tin, Cafetiere, gothic style.

Stop correcting me for no real reason just so you can have a little victory point in your head for little Eli Land to come out on top. I don't have little victory points in my head in little Eli Land. Yeah, because little Eli Land is fucking bubblegum landscape of wank. So fuck off, Shut your face. Shut up. We've done this segment now. Let's just have a cup of coffee.

I'm going to have a quick cigarette and then we're going to crack on. Cigarettes. Wait, cigarettes. You know what? People can't hear air quotes your twat. Yeah, but they could hear it in my voice. Yeah? Well, in this case, how about this?

No, don't. Eli, you're my best friend. Eli, you're the best friend I've ever had. Thank you. Air quotes. See you in a bit. Let's have a coffee break. I didn't hear the air quotes in your voice there. It just sounded weird. Let's have some of your nice coffee. Do you hear those air quotes?

Yeah. Whack, whack. I don't know what that meant. Duck sound. Thank you for the coffee. Let's take a quick break. Okay. Thank you. Right, well, after some consultation between Eli and myself, we've come to agreement that this podium we're at, this sitting area, is the end of the route.

I think we've done two-thirds of the route. We're at stage 15 of 21. And then after that, we have to cross the A40. And then it's another hour to get to our final destination. And I can tell from Eli's face he ain't having any of that shit so we're going to do the uh price of shite finale right now Mr Silverman are you ready for it I think I am I've got some prices in mind for yeah for all three of the items um do you want to know which my favorite item was anything like that yeah what I want to just do first is I want to mention two things. So no more than 450, although that's not to say it goes to 450.

First of all, all the items have a rounded price, so there's no 27p or 68p, you know. What about 5, 25? Yeah, 25 maybe. All right, so fives are included. Fives are included. Well, that's fucked me now. No, it hasn't.

Yes, it has. No, it hasn't. You don't know what's in my mind. Nobody knows what's going on in my mind but me. Nobody knows what's going on in my mind but me. Nobody knows what's going on in my mind but me. I've got nothing. We're both very tired. This was a much more epic and mulchy walk than we were even expecting.

And we've done a big chunk of it in almost pitch black as well through some really winding roads and spooky areas. It's been an experience. We saw a moat. That was a highlight for me. We saw a medieval moat. Top stuff. Oh, we saw a swing.

That was also fun. We had a swing. Yeah. We've had everything. We've had everything. We've had rows. We've had adventure. We've had scares.

We've had infrastructure. We've had a bit of history, diversions. It's been one of our accidental most epic walks in many respects. I honestly just trudging through the dark, I got a bit existential back there. Yeah. I saw your haunted look of being lost in the thick blackness of

unknown wood space. It's an uneasiness I get when you get further into the suburbs. That uneasiness. Do you know what I mean? That unfamiliarness. Yeah. So the plan is, after we wrap up Do you know what I mean? The unfamiliarness. Yeah. So the plan is, after we wrap up here,

we're going to walk to the A40. I said it again. Yeah, I know. I know what you mean, Eli. Everyone fucking knows what you mean at this point. So A40 is where we're going to draw the line and then we're going to get the train to Hillingdon Station

and then we're going to make our goodbyes there. But first, the price of shine. But first, so where? I'll quickly recap. There was three items. It was the Book of Cockney Slang. It was the glass jar shaped like a bear with an eye-hot honey lid. Followed by a metal cup solo cafetiere-style coffee drinking divier.

How do you say cafetiere? Cafetiere. What did I say? Catheter. I didn't say cafeter. Oh, I've got catheter air. Big bubbles going up into my bladder you know how horrible that must be as well yeah i know that could be fatal catheter air

catheter air i've got coffee in my piss oh catheter air i use my granddad's catheter as a fucking aero press i squeeze the coffee through his bag into my cup. Have you fainted? Get the catheter air. Oh, wee wee. The ammonia's... Shut up and now give me the prices. So you had those three things. I'm going to also give you one more. Now maybe throw you out one more little hint. Two items are the same price.

Fuck off. I hate that shit. You get bonus petwings, are you like? How many? Two. Two if I get them what the price right or the fact that they're the same price right if you

if you even if you match the two items at the same price no matter what you say for the price you'll get bonus two per twings okay what if I get both

okay I just get two per twings yeah two for each to have been the same price yes but if you get the price yeah but then you get two

anyway don't you if you got the price, yeah, but then you get two anyway, don't you? If you got the price right. Good for twinks. Good for twinks. Here we go. First item. I need you to tell me

what the, I'll let you just do what you want. What was your favourite? Cockney rhyming slang book. You did get a lot of, most mileage out of that. Well,

you know, all these items you can take home today for yourself as a winning prize. I'm having that. I want, I blacked you bought that for me for yourself as a winning prize. I don't want a cafeteria. I'm having that. I want a black tea pour that for me.

Oh, really? Okay. No, it's not bad. Probably it just gets bitty, very bitty. Bitty, bitty on my titty, mummy. And also, how do you feel about drinking coffee out of a metal container? I like it. I would want something beer, like, out of that or something.

I like it. Maybe I won't use that for a cafeteria. Maybe I'll just use the cup for drinks in general. Could do. Right. Time to guess the price. 50p for the book. 50p for the book. And the bear 75.

The bear a quid. I'm giving him no... He's looking at my face for clues and I'm giving him nothing. I'm giving him poker face. 75 for the book. 75. 75 for the book. And 150 each for the other two items.

150 each for the cup and the bear. Right. Eli Silverman. I must get at least one per twing out of this. Have I completely doughnutted on per twings? Have I doughnutted on per twings have i donuted on betwings let's find out shall we first of all you said the book 75 you said 75p for that i bought it for one pound so you get a between between between in the back i feel very relieved

i'm not going home you're not going home empty between god for that uh Then you said £1.50 for the bear glass jar. Yes. £1. So the book and the bear were the same price. But I said they were the same price, so I get two Petrinks for that. No, you didn't, because one you said was 75p. Oh, the book and the bear. The book and the bear was the same price, £1 each, which means...

It's always a pound, isn't it? I'm such a moron. The cafeteria, Eli, £2 on the nose means It's always a pound, isn't it? I'm such a moron. The cafeteria Eli, £2 on the nose. I had that in my head. I thought that cafeteria is £2. Why didn't you say that then? I said nothing. You threw me for a snooker loopy. You did. You did. You distracted me.

We're falling into the age old Eli Silverman trait of having a fucking paddy wobble on when he doesn't win. And it's always someone else's fault. I'm just saying, you made it more difficult. Yeah, but you always also say, oh, I knew it was that. But then you don't say it.

I did know. You didn't, because then you wouldn't have said that, would you? You said two prices to the same thing and distracted me. No. I got it wrong. I just fucked it up, didn't I? I got one between. You were a big load of shit.

I'm not going home empty-handed. I got one between. That's yours. I'm not going to take that away from you. That's yours to take home. You can show it to your wife, show it to your kids, show everyone that on this day of... What day is it today?

What's the date? 29th. Okay, Google. 29th. What is today's date? 29th. Tuesday, 29th of November 2022, when we're recording this, at 25...

No, 20... No, quarter to six. Quarter to six. We need to get going, because we have to stop the mission at six. We'll easily get to the A40 by then. So, Eli, well done. Shake my hand, mate. You did a good game. Weird. And no touchy. No, I just want to say congratulations. Did you like the items? Good prices?

Yeah. Like I say, you had an eye for a bargain. That's a good price for that cafetiere thing. Knew that's going to be up in the 2030 mark, isn't it? Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? The bear, kitschy. Yeah.

And the book, yeah. Some nice items. Did you guff? Does the guff smell all of a sudden? And it seems like to be your brand. At least, unless it's coming out my mouth. It smells like, I don't't know it smells of sweden potato no it's i think it's coming from the mulchy bogs around here but all right well

well eli gave me a little bit of coffee i'm going to finish supping that seeming a treat isn't it okay done give it a splash out i'll give you i'll let you splash it out properly you know how to splash out in public right that's it the price of shite segment of this show is over we've done quite a long journey today we're going to move over and head towards the 840 where we'll say goodbye a proper isn't that right a proper a right a goodbye right well this has been an epic one ladies and gentlemen i hope you've enjoyed this epic walk as much as we've pretended to enjoy it for you. And that's it. We've escaped the solitude, as you can hear.

We've escaped the solitude. There's a bridge over the motorway, the A40 here. Yeah, we're over the A40, we're around about this Hillingdon station ahead of us. There's a train coming over the... Take a picture of that, that's a wicked picture shot, mate. You've got to take a picture of that. Pictures for this episode will be on our podcast, obviously. Wait, it's way too noisy. Mate wait it's way too noisy mate it's way too noisy here i made an error i shouldn't have done a segment here it's way too noisy

bear with us we'll come right back hang on right we've reached hillingdon station just opposite the pub the swallow the swallow it's very noisy. Hang on. Yes, it's very, very noisy. Wow. Well, here we are at the end of the trod. And we did about two-thirds.

Have we mentioned that? Two-thirds. We've got about five, six miles. We didn't see any celandine flowers. No. But perhaps you could do a web search for one of those and put it up on the website, Paul. You fucking do it.

I'm doing the editing of all this. I wonder if it's psychoactive. Celandine flowers. Make some tea. Brew the Celandine flowers. Yeah, alright, maybe. It has a piquant nose to it. And now...

Shut up and go away. I was trying to think of a joke for the spit and swallow or something oh swallow come alright skip straight to the

fucking end I wouldn't mind getting breakfast there all day breakfast there what at the swallow yeah I'd swallow it yeah

we're tired we're very tired ladies and gentlemen it's been an emotional tiring and quite exhaustive walk really

and we just crossed the road bridge over the A40. Yeah. Is it? It's a huge road there, proper big motorway. It's around about next to a train station bridge, next to a pedestrian bridge, next to a roadway. This has been one of our more rugged walks in London, the outskirts of London, Paul. It's like I was saying, when I planned this, I thought it was initially going to be quite an urban walk, and it's been the opposite.

It's been like we've managed to find that slither, that ribbon of woodland that splits all these little tiny towns and villages and roadways up. Very edgy up here, in a good way. Yeah, and there's been just loads of open spaces and forestry and lake walks and woods. Now I'm literally breathing. Can you smell the fumes on your nose? I can smell the fumes.

Let's get into the station. So let's end this. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've enjoyed this episode of Cheap Show. It's one of our last walks of the year. We'll have a new walk in the new year. Oh, it's getting loud again. I think it will be our last walk of the year, Paul. No, no, it is our last walk of the year.

This is some crazy footbridge into Hillingdon Station. You've got to take a picture of this as well. I've never been in Hillingdon Station. I haven't either. I've never needed to. I've never needed to be this far out. It's absolutely nuts. It's so crazy loud. Yes. It's too loud mate. I'm doing it. There we go. A picture of me. The back of the Swallow is like the TARDIS, it looks much bigger from behind. I tend to find it very hard to swallow when it hits the back. Look though, do you know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying, Eli! Stop saying it, it's been seven years!

It's been 7 years! It's been 8 years! Wow, we've gone from the quiet tranquility of the woods to this in almost 15 minutes. Henningdon station is really something. Yeah, it's on the Piccadilly line as well. And the Metropolitan. Right, this is it. This is the end of the road. This is the end of the episode.

This is the end of our walk. End of our walking year. Look, this is where we are on the map, mate. Where are we? Hillingdon, this is where we are. Zone 6. And we started. Look at where we started as well pinner I mean I know the underground map doesn't really wrap quite far but we've gone far enough we went right through the whole of zone five essentially yeah well into the edge of zone six crazy look how narrow zone seven is there, the little band of Zone 7. Well, my next train is leaving in one minute, so I'm going to say goodbye, mate.

You're going to go the same way if you'll get the Met line, right? Yeah, I'm going the same way. Right, let's go then. Ladies and gentlemen, we'll see you next time. This was Cheap Shows. Oh, my God, I've got a beep. I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. It's a race to the platform.

It's coming now. Is this the right way? Yeah. All right, cool. That's going to Aldux Bridge, right? All X stations. Metropolitan line. Uxbridge.

Yeah, we're on the right platform, mate. Right, this is it. Take care. See you next week on Cheap Show for all pictures and everything else everything else

thecheapshow.co.uk our station's coming in our train's coming into the station Eli say goodbye mate goodbye mate goodbye mate goodbye mate

see you next week on Cheap Show bye everybody bye there's the Muppets the Patriots till the end. Shut up.

I fucking have you. No, here we go. It's the same group of tropes over and over again. Turn the thing off. I don't want to be beating up. This is Hillingdon. This is an all stations Metropolitan Line train to Aldgate. The next station is Ikenham. See you next week.