CheapShow - Ep 311: The Podcast Authority Bureau Assessment

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

As the year trundles to an end, there is a little bit of business Paul and Eli need to clear up before next week’s depressingly annual office Christmas party. Unfortunately for CheapShow, the newly established Podcast Authority Bureau are demanding answers and it’s up to the Cheap Chaps to take a mini deep dive into their own history to fill in a few gaps in the P.A.B’s database. It’s common knowledge that Paul and Eli are unorganized cretins, so how are they going to come up with the answers when they can’t remember what p’twing happened when and what was an off-brand item, and which one was on-brand? Luckily, they receive an email from someone who had a lot of time on their hands. With a little help, Paul and Eli may get all the answers they’ll ever needed. If they can keep their s*** together that is, which may be a problem as Paul is ill and Eli is exhausted and delirious.. With MASSIVE thanks to Samu Jantti for their amazing work collating all this information! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-311-the-podcast-authority-bureau And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJEp

It smells great in here. Hello, everyone. You see, I want to talk about the elephant in the room. It's not an elephant. I want to talk about the... It's no smell. It's fine. The stink of shit in the house is what I want to get to.

No. You're doing it again. I'm just saying there's not enough incense in the world to stop this. Do you want me to get incense? No. All right, so Mr. Little Linden Man News, Little Crinkle Nose Bellarina, Paul. missed his little... Little crinkle-nosed ballerina. Paul.

Paul Ballerina, the crinkle-nosed princess, doesn't like the smell of human presence. It's not a presence, mate. It's an unwelcome bully. Do you want me to go get an incense? He's barged in. Stop it. There's multiple reasons why this is inappropriate

for a podcast of our stature. Both of you have batted each other. Every time one of you go in there, I fear for my fucking life. I'm not going to take this from you. You should be lucky. I'm reasonably ill still. And my nose is bunged up

and I can't smell it too much. Sorry, mate. Someone's already playing the small world smallest violin. I haven't been able to smell for days because I caught this horrible lurgy, right? And yet, and yet, I come into this abode

and all I can smell is hot buttered devil bread coming out of someone's pipe and it's disgusting. It's just disgusting. Hot buttered devil bread. He got there. He was building up to it.

That's a ramp up. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. The Scats Space Podcast. It's not. It is. You're treading on fucking thin water with this one, mate. I'm slipping on wet turds, mate. Don't, because we will. I don't want to be like those idiot Dutch people and Germans. What are you talking about?

Continental poo-poo humour. It's big. It's a big thing. That's why we should reach out across the waters. Show them that we can appeal to their scatology. I don't like it. They literally just send pictures of turds to each other. Do they?

Yes. Go ahead. Mate. Look at this mash of turds. Like that. You've seen these people. That's such a horrible generalisation of a nation. It's not just the Dutch.

It's the Germans. It's that whole middle European area. Have you got evidence to back this up? Or is it just more xenophobic outrage from Eli? Look it up. It's a difference. There is a more poo-orientated humour in that part middle European area. Have you got evidence to back this up, or is it just more xenophobic outrage from Eli? Look it up. It's a difference. There is a more poo-orientated humour in that part of the world.

Yeah, but also you look at Japan, they do lots of poo emojis, because it's just whatever. Toilets and poo are just a thing. It's not a big deal to them. Yeah, but it's not like there's not a focus on it as a comedic thing. Right, well, this has been two and a half minutes

of scat talk, and I think that's enough. Poo and a half minutes of scat talk. Can you stop going on about poo and fucking dogs? Poo and a half minutes of scat talk and I think that's enough. Poo and a half minutes of scat talk. Can you stop going on about poo and fucking dogs? Poo and a half minutes of scat talk. How about that? I hate you

and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast where me and Eli reach into toilet bowls and fish out poos for a laugh. We don't. I don't.

I am not him. We are not one person. We are not conflated. Don't conflate him with me. Hello, everyone. It's Eli Silverman. I like talking about other things. Yeah?

What are you looking at your watch? I had a message. That's a real distraction to you. You need to be taking a half when we do recordings. I don't care. Do you see me looking at anything? I'm not looking at anything. Oh, God. What? Oh, God, what?

Just be professional. Welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go through the bargain bins, charity shops and power lines of Great Britain and beyond and bring out the treasure we find amongst the trash. Except we're not doing that this week. Well, there may be some... It's not trash, is it?

We're picking treasure from a treasurous document pool. A number of treasure-like documents. No, what we're doing this week is we're going underground, looking for the nearest big wall of fat in the sewer. Fatberg is the word. Fatberg. And we're going to chip at it. With our tongues?

Yeah. We're going to tongue punch the fatberg. We're going to tongue punch the fatberg. We're going to tongue punch the fatberg. That's the title. That's the title. No, I'm not calling this episode Tongue Punch the Fatberg. Fuck that even means. You know what it means.

No. You haven't got that aphantasia, have you? You are seeing us both stabbing a big wall of fat with our tongues now, yeah. Oh, yeah. And all those tampons rolled into it as well. Oh, come on. Nappies. Oh, come on.

And bum wipes that you shouldn't flush down the toilet anyway, boys and girls. You should know that by now. Why are we back? We're back in the gutter. We're back in the sewer. We're back there. We never left, Mr. Silverman. We never left.

We are the predominant scat-based podcast in the world. We are. We need a new USP. We do not need that. Like I say, there's a lot of that stuff that exists. My dad wrote a porno. It's finished right now. It's finally fucking got to the end of that fucking well. It's our version of my dad wrote a porno.

I talk about shit a lot. version of my dad wrote a poem. Yeah. And this is. I talk about shit a lot. Yeah. My dad done a dump. Sir shit a lot. Well, every week we're going to review a turd sent in by you.

Now, email eli.com your turds, right? And no, please, if possible, don't put some toilet paper. How dare you give out my personal email?

Maybe don't put some toilet paper in here. Put that, you're going to have to do, scrub that in the edit. We're just going to see paper in it You're going to have to scrub that in the edit We're just going to see what happens You're going to have to scrub that in the edit Basically we want to see mass We want to see it's build quality I don't want to talk about shit

And we will review it and put it up on our wall of turds Which will rank the best I don't know how we're going to judge it But basically we're going to do that from now on There's been some noodle controversy on Twitter Has there been? Yes there has the best. I don't know how we're going to judge it, but basically we're going to do that from now on. There's been some noodle controversy on Twitter. Have there? Has there been?

Yes, there has. Pity it's a now poo-based podcast and not noodle, isn't it? Well, I'm trying to pull the noodles out of the fucking toilet bowl. Go on. Because noodles are important to this podcast. Least successful episodes of our run of the podcast with ones that focus on noodles. That's because it's an elite part of our listenership. Known colloquially, Paul, as the noodle posse.

It's there in the fucking theme music. Yeah. Those are the elite. Those are the elite listenership. No, it's not. That was taken out years ago, that. Fair by day, Willy Wonky. Fair by day, Willy Wonky.

You know what I mean. I don't. That's why I had to repeat that statement back at you. They're just amateur podcast listeners. The ones who go, oh, noodles. I'm not going to listen. What kind of self-respecting listener of this podcast would go, oh, it's a noodle one. I've got no interest in that.

You know what I've got no interest in, Paul? What? Appealing to them. People who don't like noodles. That's never been what I've been about. I only want to appeal to people who like noodles. Are you ready for this noodle controversy? Don't talk about a poo-poo.

That was ghetto as well. I know. Just don't. People will be thankful. Go on, then. Is this noodle report or something then is this a noodle blast

it's a bit of a noodle bite noodle bite no I like that that works noodle bite here he goes sausage fingery like tapping at his phone

like a gorilla trying to break out of its cage just because I tap I use the tap perfectly well just because you're like a little

a teenage girl at a bus stop the way you text with your double thumbs yeah well at least I'm not like oh Megan said about my well. It's because you're like a little teenage girl at a bus stop, the way you text with your double thumbs. Well, at least I'm not like... Megan said about my... At least I don't text like... Faxi hair!

Fat old headmaster telling off a wayward child. Fuck off! Mr Wilde, your wit is uncomparable. Now, someone I know, oh, he's going to eat something. While you're doing this, I'm just going to eat some fucking pretzel. Don't make a noise with your mouth while you do it, please. Someone who wants to be thought of as,

he's basically, I've mentored this person in the way of ramen, yeah, instant noodles. They tweeted, boiling water hitting a brick of quality instant noodles is one of my favourite smells in the world okay at the surface

you think fair enough the guy likes his noodles if you look a little bit at the actual meaning there why is he referring to it as a brick it's not a brick

it's a deck we've already established this it's what we call decks I've never heard that before that's bullshit you know well we'll see today a deck of noodle we'll see they're called decks of noodles no they're not before. That's bullshit, you know. Well, we'll see today. A deck of noodle.

We'll see. They're called decks of noodles. No, they're not. That's what I call them. And people listen to me when I make up nomenclature about noodles. Fuck's sake. So that's one problem I had. Have you gotten to the point of this episode yet?

So one problem I had. So I reply. Oh, God. Deck of instant noodles is my preferred name. And I think everyone should agree. Unfollow. Because who happened afterwards? He unfollowed you, right?

No, they didn't. A block. No. It developed from here. Now, Paul, what do you think is a better term for... Brick. No, you don't. You literally don't.

Because deck makes no sense. It's a deck, like a deck of cards. Yeah, but the thing about a deck of cards is, right... Or a deck of cigarettes. There's many cards that make the deck. There's many noodles in a pack, you dickhead! It's a deck of cigarettes. There's many cards that make the deck. There's many noodles in a pack? You dickhead!

It's all one big brick. No, it's not. It's a deck. Just like a deck. What would you call a shredded wheat? Would you call that a brick? No, I wouldn't. No. I would not use that stupid word.

Would you call it a deck of shredded wheat, you fucking stupid prick? I would call it neither a deck nor a brick, Paul. What would you call it then? Say to someone, pass me a shredded wheat. I would say a shredded wheat. You would say a shredded wheat? Yes, Paul. What would you call it then? Say to someone, pass me a shredded wheat. I would say a shredded wheat. You would say a shredded wheat?

Yes, that's what it is. It's a shredded wheat. No, it's not though. Yes, it is. Pass me a brick of shredded wheat. I would not say that, you fucking mealy mouth. I would even accept bar. Pass me a bar.

Fine, bar's fine. Bar of shredded wheat. But we don't call them bars. Can I have a bar of noodle, please? Instant ramen comes in decks. Anyway. I said, deck of instant noodles is my preferred name.

And then that person replied to that, noodle warden. He's calling me a noodle warden and that's a... Oh, mate, if you think I'm still fucking listening to this shit...

Noodle warden. And that is a role I'm prepared to take on. And I think the noodle posse were with me if I do take that on. And then i said and this is where we get to the real technical interest with this paul okay because i knew there

was something off about that tweet when he talks about boiling water hitting his brick of instant noodles being a nice smell so i say i'm probing here okay unusual technique unless you're talking about stir-fried style varieties ped Pedantic, fucking boring wreck. No, but this really uncovered the truth. And he was not doing his noodles properly. And then he replies, standard Nissin in a bowl business. So he's putting the brick in the bowl

and then pouring water on it. Ah, now I've got your, yeah. Rather than putting it into a pan of hot water. Simmering it for three minutes, which I know for a fact. So he's pot noodling it. Yeah, which some noodles, usually ones that you drain the water off, stir-fried variety,

you do do that with. Nissan Standard is a three-minute on the broil. Well, you're not going to cook your noodles to the optimum pliancy. So that's when I knew. That was a big red flag for me there, Paul. That standard Nissan, that phrase, standard Nissan in a bowl business. No, that isn't the business of making those noodles.

The business is you put it in a pan and you simmer it in boiling water for three minutes. That is how you cook a standardness. And that it will be if you went and talked to them, they'd tell you that. All right. So I reply. He's giving me a look, everybody. I reply, you're supposed to simmer those ones for three minutes on the hob, mate. Then he's like, fuck that,

and he wouldn't get the smell. But you could get the smell if you just poured the boiling water onto the deck of noodles in the pan. You'd get the smell, and then you'd cook them correctly. That's all I have to say. I've done now, Paul.

So if you wanted to rejoin... What, are you looking up now, Paul? What are you doing? Get off your phone. Have you taken your watch off? Anyway, thanks for listening, everybody. We have got a bit of a different episode lined up for you this week.

I'm trying to do the podcast, Paul. In all seriousness. I've brought it round to the topic. Check your emails mate oh no don't have you sent me a picture of a shit I've done nothing

you have that's what you were doing oh hilarious is it noodles with a shit in it I'm just gonna say check your emails mate while you can

while we're just having a bit of a lull in the recording Cheap Show has sent me an email oh I don't know who that is must be someone

with a similar name to this podcast. That's funny, isn't it? Subject. Yeah. Stool. Might be about seating arrangements. There's a fucking screenshot of something attached.

Yeah, I wouldn't know what that is. It's shit. It's in that nasty... Slurry-like, horrible, horrible shit with a little stain of yellow wee wee underneath it really really hitting the nausea thing

it's hitting me in the nausea it's good oh mate you're gonna get so many emails this podcast comes out I can't wait you've got to take my email address out of it yeah but maybe don't do

the noodle stuff and maybe I'll think about it there's nothing... I didn't set up... I got you by the fucking nuts, mate. A poo-hay campaign against you. I got you by the fucking nuts and you know it.

I've stopped with the... I did... I just... That was the noodle thing over with. Anyway, that's this... Kodo... No, that's not the kodo, but it's...

Deck or brick? Please let us know. The answer's brick followed by bar and deck. Fuck off. No, deck's a perfectly good word. It's not. It's a bad thing. It's a best word.

I'm going to put a... No, because then you'd be like many. There'd be many Nissans. No, you're absolutely wrong. Put a deck of Nissans in. Put a few in. What about if it's a deck that you go out and you sit on the deck? What about lump? Put a lump of noodle in. No, because lump, it's deck shape. It's the same shape. It's not though. Yes, it is.

It's like a pack of cigarettes or a pack of cards. It's not like a pack of yes it is it's not it's like a pack of cigarettes or a it's not like a pack of cigarettes is it it's more like a pack of noodles I can't believe you're arguing me with this let's see

what the listenership of this podcast think here's the mistake you're making like I give a fuck about people's opinions on whether we call it a deck

a pack a brick or a set of fucking noodles well I do care everyone and I'd like to be reassert my position as the

empathetic empathy empathy feeling. You put pathetic in empathetic. That's what you do. Fine. Yeah. Well, I'm worthy of sympathy. I'm just going to check my emails. I might have another email to send you.

Do not send me another picture of shit. Please. Might not be. I admit that one was a little bit loosey-goosey. It looked diseased, man. Yeah, it was a good one, that one. Visible lumps of... It looked more like your kind of Angel Delight chocolate,

but with crunchy bits in. I love that look on your face, that upset look on your face that means I've turned something within you. Oh, I spilt. Oh, he spilt his water. Well, that's a great time as any to cause a little bit of a break in the podcast while Eli cleans up his droppings. Right, well, this has been a...

And we haven't even told people what we're doing this week. Oh, no! You've been obsessing about shit. All right, join us after this Saturday. We'll tell you what's actually going on this week. All right? Okay! So what have we got coming up on the show today then Paul

right we've had two things happen at the same time which is quite well it's the end of the year right what what now what now

what could possibly have tickled your fancy enough just you with that just the worst possible way to start something I've had two things happen at the same time Fancy enough for 15 seconds. Just the worst possible way to start something. I've had two things happen at the same time. Come on.

Two pieces of news came my way, right? And I thought it was interesting because they conflated and became something that we could... Ah, fuck off. Just seriously. It's like you... Sorry. I'm sorry. Such an unsupportive co-host.

I'm not. Well, sometimes it's hard to support you. Is it? Yes, because you talk about shit endlessly. Don't. And then sending me a... A dirty bowl of pan-nasty. Of turd...

Pan-nasty. Hello, I'm pan-nasty. Right. It works if you're an actor. Let's get this going. I'm going to start again. No, I'm not actually. Bollocks. Fuck this. I'm Pan Nasty. Right. It works if you're an actor. Let's get this going. I'm going to start again. No, I'm not actually. Bollocks.

Fuck this. I'm not in the mood. This is it. The worst. I'm still poorly. I'm still poorly. Fine, Paul. Yes.

So why don't you let me take control? You don't know what I'm doing. I got an email. I got two emails. One after the other. Okay, so... Do something! I'm waiting for you

to do something so now you're saying with the little hamster pose you've got going on you're saying it wasn't two things at once now it was one after the other now

but they happened close enough so at least we've got the order and like the temporal relationship nailed on so two things happened one after the other

both of those things were emails that's what I'm getting so far I'm trying to set up a poor conceit for the rest of this episode. It's not working. You can't get round the conceit. You've got nothing.

You have not built a conceit. I'm sorry. I wasn't asked about this, everybody. The conceit is failing. The conceit is falling flat on its face. As opposed to you, sitting in your cunt seat over there. I pulled a fucking noodle segment out of the air. A nice little noodle segment.

You nearly said ass, which would have been a bit more appropriate. I didn't because it was on Twitter. A noodle content. I produced a noodle content. I've got content for you. I've got the most content you've ever known. I'm not the noodle eater. I'm the noodle producer man.

And I won't stop producing noodle content until the noodle content producing is done, Paul. I've got so much content right now. It's more content than you can fathom. It's all the content. It's all the content. I do know what's going done, Paul. I've got so much content right now. It's more content than you can fathom. It's all the content. It's all the content. I do know what's going on, everyone. So, I got this email from the podcast authority.

I've got one email now. So, I got an email, and it was from the podcast authority bureau, right? The pad. Pab. Pab. Pab got in touch and said, you haven't been filling out your podcast forms.

I didn't know we had to. You told me you were doing that, Paul. I didn't know we had to. Mate. And they said we've been naughty. Pab gets round here. Pab can send people round here. Pab are all over us.

And they've been checking out all the podcasts, all the big ones like Richard Herring, and they do his forms every year. They do his forms. I thought they needed forms from him. They get his forms every year. They do his forms. I thought they needed forms from him. They get his forms every year. Who does his forms? I don't know.

His wife, maybe. I don't know. I don't know who does his forms. They do the forms. You said you were doing the PAB forms. Yeah. Well, I forgot, didn't I? I've been very busy.

Paul, PAB. Paul, PAB forms, I said to you. And you went, PAB. I'm on it, I said. I said, I'm on the PAB. I'm going to get the PAB sorted. Right? So I started to panic and you went pub I'm on it I said I said I'm on the pub I'm going to get the pub sorted right so

I started to panic because I haven't done he assured me everybody that he'd done them so they said they were going to let a lot of it ride things like you know episode number dates

and things like that but they had a few questions that they wanted answers from us from and I don't know I was panicking why do they exist what's the legal

I mean I thought it was you could just do podcasts well because no what it is is it's more like all the big production companies

who make podcasts you know like all those proper ones that get French and Saunders in they've all kind of formed a little kind of media group and as a result

they created this body that you know basically suppresses the independence the small man the independent so we have to follow their rules now

because fuck it then don't do it let's not do it. Why should we do it? They can cancel us. Pab can cancel us. Pab can cancel pod.

Pab can cancel pod. Pab. Pab can cancel pod. Pab say pod go no. Pab go pod no. If we don't fill out these forms, we're in trouble. Pab say so, then pod go go. I don't think that was quite worth it, was it, mate?

Pab say so. So anyway, I begin to panic because I've not been keeping track of everything. I don't think that was quite worth it, was it, mate? Perhaps they saw. So anyway, I begin to panic because I've not been keeping track of everything. Perhaps they saw, Paul. Then Bob, do Bob go go. Perhaps they saw. Stop crying. You've got your crying face on now. When you go past laughing into actual misery.

I know. I can take a picture of you right now. And no one will know if you're laughing or crying in the image. Oh, but perhaps it is so. Perhaps it is so. Perhaps it is so

and perhaps it is no. It's just the fucking flimliness of this. Can we just get on to the second email please? The second email

came from and at last we arrive. Someone called Samu. And Samu sent this email, and I'll just read it out to you now, all right? It says, hello, Paul and Eli. I have a long story, but I'm going to keep it short.

Also, I'm not a native English speaker, so apologies for any mistakes that there'll no doubt be. So far, it's all right. Does this person live abroad? It doesn't say where they're from, unfortunately. A couple of years ago, just as COVID was starting to ramp up, I had some pretty bad health issues. And that paired with COVID meant that I had to stay at home pretty much 24-7.

So having all this time on my hands and nothing else to do, I decided to listen to all of Cheap Show from episode one. Jesus Christ. Right, I know, yeah. Jesus Christ. When listening, I decided to start taking notes of each episode and i finished recently with episode 298 i have closed all of the statistics and lists in this email as pdfs there's also a rundown file of each episode with all the segments

some of the charts and statistics are proper anal stuff which i made for my own amusement but decided to chuck everything in there anyway i know this isn't the most interesting thing ever, but I wanted to let you know that you've led me through some pretty dark times, and this is what I have to show for it. If you have any questions, let me know. Thank you for what you do. Samu.

Thank you, Samu. This is an incredible undertaking. So we've had people in the past reach out and give us updates on the crisps or this, that, and the other, and there are wiki pages for Cheap Show as well. There's a wiki Cheap Show page with all the stats on the stats i would guess that samu has a career in in statistics maybe or maybe they had as i say or databasing or something maybe these are legit there's line graphs like let me just let me scroll through this email there's everyone's a pdf there with a different

thing on it and i wrote back saying saying, holy shit, thank you. They won't go to waste. And so now we have an opportunity of using their research to help us out with the PAB. And that's the conceit for this episode. Tie the bow on it. It's only been about, I don't know, 20 minutes to get there?

It was not worth it. Apart from when I said, if PAB say so, then pod go go. If PAB say so, then pod go no go no yeah so we're going to go through these stats now because i have a few questions in this pab form so first of all it wants to know when jimmy biscuits first appeared i would guess now does it have a date as well as an episode number uh that i haven't checked into i need to just go to the file which says characters here so are you going to post some of these online for our listeners if they want to peruse

these at the website? I don't actually know what to do with these because they're all PDFs and I suppose I could host them on the page. You can embed them onto the website,

couldn't you? Yeah, maybe. I'll have to look into it. I don't know. I'm sure you can embed a PDF in some way. So when do you think... So this is basically...

They've done a list of episode, character and performer and I'm presuming what happens is they're listing any episode that has characters in. So that means you might get Jimmy Biscuits a few times in this list,

but it also will tell you when the first time Jimmy Biscuits appeared would be. The first time he appears in the list. I think there was another proto-Biscuits character called Jimmy Casanova or something. It was something. Pischinski or something like that. Some Polish sounding name.

You know, some kind of weird... Piscinski or something. And it was your first attempt at The Voice. What became known as, in legend, The Voice. So, when do you think was the first instance of Jimmy Biscuits as realised as Jimmy Biscuits?

When he first birthed. About episode around the 100 mark. Not, 87. Episode 87. 87 you're going to go with. Well, you're close though. I am close, yeah. Close.

The answer is, apparently according to this, episode 78. Oh, I'm well in, I'm well in there. But here's a question for you. Here's a question for you here's a question for you which character came first richard brandoff or jimmy biscuits biscuits you think biscuits nope richard brandoff fully formed in episode 68 wow apparently the first episode ever there was in number six and it was mike shit so i don't know what that character was mike shit yeah first character it's nice to know we've remained the quality.

That is brilliant. Mike Shit. Mike Shit. And there's also Feeble the Rejected Muppet in episode nine. So these are all the reconditioned, repurposed Uncleakables episodes. Our very early episodes, if you don't know anyone. We had a different show to start with, and it didn't become Cheap Show until episode 10. Well, no, we did a lot of Uncleagables,

but then we got to a point where the name... We've talked about this before, but then we rebooted it because we realised... It wasn't a very good name. It wasn't. So a lot of those episodes were repackaged as Cheap Show, which is why those first seven, eight episodes are like those live ones that were done at the Camden Head pub.

Yes, but they wouldn't have been the first Cheap Show episodes available. I actually think. You see what I mean? Officially, the first Cheap Show episode as recorded as Cheap Show is I think the Long Hot Wet Summer for Latitude Summer. Where we have a where we do a commentary on footage we took at the Latitude Festival. Because that's when

I'd moved to Southampton and we started recording them in Southampton. That was the actual birth of it as a podcast. Because I rebranded it when we moved to Southampton and that's when we came up with the logos

and all that stuff and the website and everything from then on. And we just started doing Barshens. Yeah. In that studio. I want to know

when we first commit with Lady Plops. That's the one I want to know. Because we've got like Labian Cave at number 80. Labian cave was a person i had to call up in a call center do you remember yes that was a name that i had to call it's crazy ms labian cave teen yeti when do you think teen yeti first appeared fully formed

i'm trying to according to this list i do not remember the origin of teen yeti at all i don't remember teen yeti's origin but we can go back now it's after biscuits and brand off isn't it it's i'd say it's around 110 120 according to this it's 87 that's the same episode as biscuits uh no 78 which is me biscuits no it's what i said 87 was what i said yeah oh that's a good point yeah oh it means nothing So tell me a bit more about the episode. Have you got any more data on the actual... Well, I can go into the episode if you want, because there's another list. So hang on.

87. You want to look at episode 87? I want to see how Teen Yeti was born. So list of episodes. Come on, where are they? First episode, appearance of Teen Yeti. Does it give the title of the episode? No.

Shit. Oh, I've just moved. Oh, I've just closed the file. The conceit has been introduced and is not officially working, everybody. So Eli plays a harmonica. There's a life hack.

If you're ill, go to the doctor. Great stuff, Eli. You're on fire. I'm glad we dropped those fucking segments because they were painful. No, bring back life hacks.

Well, then you do them. It's your fucking segment. And Eli's top three. Remember that? There's a talk about magic, Marvin's deluxe pocket tricks, and a fantastic magic set. So weird.

Oh, that's the Paul Daniel's magic show stuff and the album, wasn't it? No. Yeah, the Magic Circle record and the Paul Daniel. I mean, it says here. Gene Yessy was born

in the same episode as that. I guess so. We did a Paul's page turners that week and Eli gives what was this me Casa Poo Casa I like that one as well we haven't done that in

years you never get me anything because you're inherently a selfish blob Eli gives plastic lady thing Homer Simpson head egg Paul gives Johnson mini harmonica oh yeah that tiny tiny

tiny yeah I got that from America who's the kind one I cherish your gifts yeah you haven't got the Simpson home of the egg thing

last three Christmas in a row no Christmas present just gonna leave that dangling just gonna leave it wibbly wobbling on the vine

alright so we've got that do you want to know anything else about characters no you don't want to know anything about characters I've got like a milkshake or something sweet else about characters no you don't want to know anything about characters I'd quite like a milkshake or something sweet

Lady Plops I've still wanted to look at Lady Plops what episode I remember because it was a it was a Tales from the Shop Floor

it was an actual story wasn't it of a woman I will say Jimmy Biscuits was formed on the same day no not Jimmy Biscuits Squishy Jim yes of course

because Squishy Jim was also in the story don't you remember yeah right so Madam Lady Plops what episode number do you think then? Eh? Eh?

Eh? Later, round 100. Oh, close. 100 and... Lower. Lower. 97, 98. Oh, oh, oh.

Come on, mate. Edge me. Edge me. Lower or higher? Lower. 95. No. Three. Higher. Higher. Higher. Six. Come on, mate. Edge me. Edge me. Lower or higher? Lower. 95? No. Three.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Six. 96. The 96. 96, ladies and gentlemen. Good.

So that was 96. Let's have a look at that one then. Episode 96 in the rundown. I like this. 96. 96. Tales from the shop floor where old lady in a grocery store shits on the floor and is the origin story

of Madam Lady Plops from Squissy Jim. Yep. Lady Plops was called Rabbit Plops originally. Yes, Lady Rabbit Plops. Price of shite is bought, found and given. That's a good one we need to redo. There's three items.

One of them was bought. One of them was found on the street or maybe in a box that you used to have. And one was given to you as a present. I know. That's a good variant. It's a to have. And one was given to you as a present. I know. That's a good variant. It's a good variant. We only do bespoke these days, Paul.

Have you noticed? Yeah. Well, we need to go back. No, I did last week's. Oh, you did? Yeah. With the modular alfresco. The modular alfresco.

Yeah. Poindexter's first appearance as a price of shite item. Oh, he appeared there. And then he became the point protector. He is the Poindexter, the between protector. Oh, he appeared there. And then he became the point protector. He is the point dexter, the between protector. The penetrated point protector. Point dexter,

the between... The between protector. Point dexter, the between protector. Who's been penetrated by your peen. He has not. Precisely.

It was purely a cuddling thing. So, um... As is appropriate for a teddy bear. Oh, Jimmy Biscuits was lieutenant back in the day. Lieutenant Biscuits. Lieutenant Biscuits.

Madam Rabbit Plops and Squishy Jim. Squish Plops and Squishy Jim. Squishy Jim stayed Squishy Jim the whole way. Then they had a Ganon's Golden Games with tales from the shop floor. A Polish listener tells a story from a charity shop where they found ashes of a dead person. Hello, Penny, Miss Penny Penny.

Really? You're going to do that, are you? You're going to do a really awful Sean Connery impression. Polish listener. Polish listener. Polish listener. You said, here at,

you said listener. Yeah, no, I know. Isn't it fun and grown up to point out someone's speech impediment? You lisp very slightly. Yeah, I do. Very slightly.

And you still take the mickey out of me. I have a speech impediment as well, Paul. Yeah, you open your mouth and shit comes out. That's not. It is an impediment.

That's not because of my speech. That's because I swallow hot tods all day long. And shit comes out my mouth. Again. real shit in fact i've got that medical condition where poo comes out the wrong way paul that's what people want to hear about thing we're looking at we're having a nice good i told you i get him on the poo train we had a nice good tempered fucking little look back at the characters but no shit comes out your mouth actual shit pouring out your mouth

diarrhoea staining your teeth all yellow er splurter splurt as the poo comes out the mouth squirsh

alright okay you've made your squirsh boring point shut up right we've filled that foreman anyway

Jimmy Biscuits. Lillian Gish, Glish, Glish. Shut up. Glister, Lillian Glister. What can I just say? Don't Pab want to know about who's got the most betwings overall up until the episode 29? We're going to break it up, aren't we, you prick?

We're not doing everything now. Have a little splish on Lillian Gish. Right, okay, we're going to end at this point. We filled out the form. Jimmy Biscuits was episode 76. All right, write that down. Listen to this, Miss Moneypenny. Glister.

I fucking flished you. In the cloister. Flished you in your moisture cloister. The moisture in my cloister. Right. Oh, glish. A jillion. Glish.

When you glish upon a star. Glister, splish, splash. All right, okay, stop it. That's it, let's take a break. Glish. Shut up. Shut up. Right, the next question, they said they have a few loose ends.

The next one is, they don't know when the all-purpose sauce was featured on Cheap Show. They'd like to fill that in on their charts. So do you know when that is? We've been sent, Samu has sent a full, exhaustive list of all the sauces that have appeared on the Sauce Report. Which is, you know, you can agree, Paul, one of the more serious and sort of well-respected. I call it a prestige segment you know like we've got this normal segments like what you do with board games whatever it is but there are prestige segments that have a certain importance can you talk into the mic

a certain importance so prestigious can you talk into the mic can you do that for me okay paul as opposed to being about here i'm sorry i'm doing this thing with your hand with your little thumb and finger jesus the attacks never end as if you're stitching an invisible tapestry people love sources yeah and they love the source report no they don't and you're in denial people love the source report from its very inception in which episode yeah let's see oh yeah so again this is a list of every single source as part of the source report ever featured. So, what was the first episode with the source report?

According to this, 105. Oh, you're not going to let me guess then. So, you're just going to take the fun out of that as well for me as well. What would you have said? 105. Yeah. Well, you're exactly right, Paul. That comes quite late then.

Was there no source before 100? No. Was it all just noodle talk back then? Yeah, it was all noodle talk right, Paul. That comes quite late then. Was there no sauce before 100? No. Was it all just noodle talk back then? Yeah, it was all noodle talk. All noodle all the time. I, as the noodle person, I felt that, you know, I needed to... Spread your wings. I needed to spread out.

Spread your buffalo wings. I needed to spread my buffalo wings, Paul. And really start talking about a wider variety of foodstuffs. Pointless, boring shit. And sauce is an extremely important thing. Condiments, sauces. So what was the first ever sauce report? The first ever sauce in the sauce report then?

It was a very nice little hot sauce. Yeah. Who's who of hot sauces. A real fucking star lineup for the first episode. We had Encona. Oh, that's it. And they've expanded since then, haven't they? Straight out the gate with the big hitters. The original, Encona and they've expanded since then haven't they straight out the gate with the big hitters

the original Encona original it's a classic dry a very dry hot sauce salty dry vinegary

and hot you know Encona it's very nice and then we had Blair's Pure Death oh Encona Encona Encona

put it on my knob and oh Encona. Ancona. Ancona. Put it on my knob. Ancona. It burns my knob. And I put it on my knob. I put a little bit on my, on my old knob. I put it and it gets to throb. Ancona.

I put it in my knob. In my knob. I can't get it to throb. Oh, Ancona. Anyway, you get the point with that little joke. It's a throb. Oh, and Kona. Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. Anyway, you get the point with that little joke. Blair's pure death sauce with jojakia. What was that?

They're ghost peppers. Oh. You know, it's the word for jojakia is what they're called. Yeah. Don't start on that. Oh, jojakia, your they're called. Yeah. Don't start on that. Oh, Jalakia, your face. I don't. What's the matter, you?

Hey! Haven't you got no sauce? Hey! What do you put on your chips? Hey! What you doing it for? Hey! It's not so bad.

Hey! I put it on your chips. I spunk up on your face. That's not what I was going to say, is it? That's what I want to say. I was going to say, that sauce, Jalakia, your face. I spunk up on your face. That's not what I was going to say, is it? That's what I want to say. I was going to say, that sauce, jolacular face. I spunk up in your face.

No, we're not doing either of those now. We're deciding. Right. There's a little bar to the side which says brands. What's the most featured brand then? Oh. What?

Well, I don't know. There's a whole, all sorts of sauces. Yeah, but on the right hand side. Figgy mustard, episode 129. I've still got that. We never did. We never did figgy mustard. Good.

I'm fine with that. We need to taste figgy mustard. No, if you've still got it, I'm not having it now. I'm not getting it now, but Paul. Bring it to the Office Christmas party next week. I want a commitment from you, yes, that we do figgy mustard. We all want some figgy mustard. We all want some figgy mustard.

I know where this is going. We all want some figgy mustard. We all want some figgy... I know where this is going. We all want some figgy mustard. I pack it quite tight. In a poultice it goes. And I slap it up so. And it's a figgy mouse poultice. And it comes right on my nose. Oh, wow.

I know, I know. Figgy mustard, I want a bit of that. Please. Only you are finding it this funny. Figgy mustard, it's a good one. Give me the phone a minute. All right. Eli, what do you think was the brand that was mentioned most?

So it has a breakdown of the numeric numbers of mentions. Well, hang on. I'm actually not sure. It says source brand and then amount. So maybe it's like the number of these brands that we've had. But it might be in one episode we had 10 of something. Not that it goes as high as 10. I would say...

Like, for instance, the last one is Widow 1, which is that hot bastard. That extremely hot bastard, yeah. Lee Kum Kee, 1. Only one mention of, yeah. Secret Aardvark won I remember that was a nice one wasn't it

yeah that came in a sort of fast food ketchup dispenser yeah I'm gonna fix your fucking mind well you get the comfy chair

don't you yeah yeah I can't look at you if you put it like this. After recording Cheap Joe for two years in your bedroom on that stool and my arse is now destroyed as a result of it.

You can have the slightly less comfy couch and I'll have the comfy chair to record this podcast in. So anyway, what do you think was the brand that we've had the most of? Tabasco. No. The answer's Heinz.

Heinz, just about to say that. Yeah, obvious choice there. Followed by Dartmoor Chili Farm, but we only did that in one episode, so we must have had six. And we did about 18 of them in one episode. Was that the one we did at Soho Radio? Yes, that was the one we did downstairs.

You had a whole pack of stuff from that company, didn't we? Yes. And the powder got out of the little metal thing. The little pill it was in. And that was quite the hot shit. It wasn't as badly painful as that widow, though. No, the widow was the worst we've had on the show to date.

But, little noodle tie-in, Paul. I have used that widow. Yeah. Just a drop in one instant noodle. Just one drop. A little drip of it. And it's hot, but it's totally, that's bearable. Do you know what do you know what i mean yeah do you know is this the first time i've said it i don't know because i cut most of them out now when i edit this podcast i've been listening to older episodes

recently for various boring reasons as well fuck me and you know the worst thing is what i did it first i started saying you know what i mean do you know what i mean and then i stop and at some point you start doing it and then when you do it Christ do you run with it mate I know because almost every sentence every sentence and people when someone pointed it out

on Twitter we were like does Eli know what he means or something like that and I was like what does that mean oh and then you can't not hear it

it's just everywhere I'm trying not to I've now ruined sheepshire for anyone who goes back to the beginning I can see the evolution of do you know what I mean, from me to you. It's because of the casual

nature of a lot of the stuff we do, Paul. Yeah, true. Beautiful sources. Do you know in episode 125 you just said nothing to report? About the source report? Yeah, you made a lot of effort and then said there's nothing to report. That's because, you know, people need to be updated because what's happening, people like to be included.

As well as being a prestige segment the source report is actually something that brings the whole of the cheapskate community together Paul yeah

behind the source behind the love of source into tasting sources into hearing what we you and me you and me but mainly me have to say

about various sources if there's a new sauce on the market we have to get in there and we have to taste it I'm going to ask you real politely right now to stop talking about it

or I'm going to cause some serious damage to whatever left of your mangled poo poo eating the knob

eating knob I'm going to come up now smashed grapes penis that you've got you're going to smash my smashed grapes penis yes I'm going to take your penis which looks like a big bag of smashed grapes and that you've got. You're going to smash my smashed grapes penis? Yes. I'm going to take your penis,

which looks like a big bag of smashed grapes, and I'm going to make wine out of it. Big bag. Did you hear he said that? Big, big bag. Like a big two-pound bag.

It's a great big one-ton bag of skin grapes that you drag around behind you. Like some kind of fucking Cthulhu of genitalia. Yeah. An indescribable horror sight. It don't make love in the conventional way.

Let's put it that way, ladies. It just hatches. Well, it envelops the mate and then... Absorbs them. Absorbs them into the big bald skin package. What a horrible creature you've become. What's that thing that people don't like? What's it called when they don't like little dots all over the place like this?

Like crumpet. Tryptophobia, I believe it is. Yeah. Imagine your genitals were just one big fleshy. Tryptophobia. Yeah. Right there. Yeah.

Rolling around behind you. There's still debate about whether that is an actual phobia. Why is there debate about it? Because apparently a few people I know have it. Because it's more of a feeling of sort of dizziness or nausea that you get. Right. Rather than fear. you get this uneasy feeling so it's more like if you're phobic of spiders you see a spider you fucking scared as

fuck do you know i mean you freak out so just out of interest everyone if you do have tryptophobia eli is now making light of this and and i'm not really giving you any consideration of your own and i don't the other thing i don't believe in is aphasia, or whatever that one is. What's that then? When you cannot picture things. We'll speak to Ash next week, because he has that apparently as well,

at the party. You ask him about that, you fucking inconsiderate. What's all this then? I'm not saying what it's all this then. You can't think of a picture in your head like me. I can. I think of a Chodney boy. I think of a Chod I can. I think of a Chodney boy.

I think of a Chodney man. I think of a Chodney man. With monocle and hat and cane. I like this. This is the Chodney man. This is a new character. A regal man, the Chodney man. Now, there's a chunk of episodes.

Chunk of Chodney. There's a huge chunk since 2299. Yeah. What number are we on here? This one. This is 311. Is this going to count as a real episode? No.

No, not at all. This is basically our version of a clip show without the clips. Yeah. But we are right up to it almost. That's the vast majority of episodes that Samuel has covered. It's a good 97, 98%. Yeah. Something like that.

Crazy. Crazy. So this is sterling work. Right. Let's just take a quick break. There's two more questions we need to get through. like that crazy yeah crazy so this is sterling work uh right let's just take a quick break there's two more questions we need to get through now the pub have reached out with another question and they are very particular about

betwings they just don't know what they don't know anything about betwings they want to know how many have been given out they want to keep a track of these betwings what do they have actual an office a physical office and then do they. What? Do they have actual an office? A physical office? They must have. Do they all dress in grey? They all dress in grey. With a handkerchief. Yeah.

And they all float about three inches above the floor. Like supernatural bureaucrats. Hover. Weird supernatural bureaucrats. Yeah. And they're faceless.

Oh. But there's one speaker right in the middle of their head. There's a speaker in the middle of their head. The kind of speaks like this. Oh. The kind of speaks like this. Oh. The kind of speaks like this to each other.

And are they like all one entity or do they have individuals? I think they're like the Borg. They're like the Borg. You know, Resistance is futile. They're like the Daleks meets the Borg. And the Cybermen and the Silence from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's all of that in one. But they're called the PAB, Podcast Authority Bureau.

Wow. Making sure all podcasts fall in line with what the top tier people are doing. Could they come round here and haunt me? No. Does the speakers sort of protrude, start to come out when they're angry, and like should go up my bum, for example? No, what they have is their fingers are made of cables and wires, you know, different kind of, there's a USB.

Different little connectors on each tip. Like left and right stereo on the fingers. This one's a USB. They've got a mini jack. Mini jack to phono. That's a SCART one. Their thumbs are SCART. They have every single connection

and they just go, plug me in, plug me in, plug me in. And they go to a system. Plug me in. And then they go, plug me in, plug me in, plug me in. And they plug themselves into something and then they absorb sound. Electricity. Yeah. Plug me in, plug me in plug me in plug me in and they plug themselves into something and then they absorb sound

electricity yeah plug me in plug me in plug me in they're robots creatures they're created by

someone above some evil being and so how are you filling this form in you're doing it online it's online I'm online right now with my laptop open

it doesn't seem very rigorous it just seems to be asking no well they've kind of scanned our podcast and taken most of the information but they have a few questions about things

that don't make sense and the betwings are something that they just can't wrap they just listen what betwing what betwing what betwing

plug me in plug me in having seen a bit of this Paul what betwing I know I always denigrate the betwings I've got but I have

more betwings than you yeah I do so let's just go into this imagine that everyone I've got, but I have more Petwings than you. Yeah. I do. So let's just get into this. Imagine that, everyone. Statistics. Up to 299, I have more than you. And even though you've been having a good run recently, I bet you haven't overtaken me.

I don't know. I reckon the last few games have brought me up. You have done extremely well the last few games. So just get into this. Number of Petwings scored. Eli has 152. Total Petwings across the whole lifetime. 138. Wow. Now, Eli has 152. Total for Twings across the whole lifetime? 138.

Wow. Now, I will say this. I don't know when we started introducing for Twings because it might have just been points and things and blah, blah, blah. Oh, no, it was.

There was a moment. Yeah. So I don't know exactly when for Twings became a thing, but I know it's before 100. They must have started at some point. So what's on the corner

of that graph on the axis? On the graph? On the corner. What, on the on the axis on the on the corner what on the very bottom that is number of games head-to-head so when we've done head-to-head variations of any games we've done 29 29 head-to-head yeah ties we've had four ties and the total number of price of shite games i'd imagine this is where it's coming from 97 97 it must be our most it's it's the bread and butter segment you know it's one of our own special it's not prestige it's not like serious but it's more you know important to the integrity of this podcast than i don't know noodles or sauce absolutely not but no it is

it is the bread and butter i have more between so i mean i not only i own poindexter i have more betweens and you know. What does this mean? Percentage won from theoretical maximum. And then it says Eli 31.87%, Paul 34.41%. So we always talk, don't we, about the maximum possible betwings that are available. It says I've won that one, but I don't understand if I've won it. If it's like, oh, I do have more than you 34% so what does that mean

I achieve more of the top percentage of points available in that game than you did on average across the games yes it's very fucking kind of

a complicated they must have knowledge of stats it must work in stats I'm sure I hope so because this is I don't fully understand

what that means no so perhaps like what's this mean consistency bracket standard deviation yes now that's a that's a I don't fully understand what that means. No. So perhaps... Like, what's this mean? Consistency bracket standard deviation. Yes, that's a foundational term in the field of statistics. What does that mean, though, in this case?

Statistical deviation is... When you get your fingers in, your finger number two, not a poo. I mean, just... Where do you put your fingers in a number two? Just behind the curve. It's not really an orifice. I know, I could get something in there. Not on like a three, which is like a big bum. Statistical deviation is sort of...

This is standard deviation. Standard deviation, right. Consistency, but I don't know what any of that means. I think it's to do with, like say you toss a dice 10 times in a row. Yeah. You expect, if it sticks to the probability, you expect to get five heads and five tails.

Yeah. But it will deviate. I don't know what it means. I don't know what it means. Either way, you won that one. Standard deviation, yeah. Oh, here's a good one. Nice and simple.

What's the standard deviation? So what does that mean? I've got... Read out what the graph is called. It says consistency. Standard deviation, Eli 20.98%, Paul 22.88%. It means I'm more consistent. Across the games.

Okay, good. Most betwings won in a single game. It's you. No, it's you. You got 10, I got 9. When? I don't know. Wow.

This needs citation. That's a serious betwing haul. I must have gone mad we both that was a I think I do remember it was a big festival of Petwings

and we were all kind of giddy and euphoric and overjoyed about the amount of Petwings we got Paul although you have played the most games

without winning a single Petwing like a dry run I didn't complete nothing how many 13 times compared to my 8 I've donut-ed 13 that i've donutted 30 that's the

donut school yeah that's the donut that's why i'm so scared of donutting because it always happens to me and then you get to lord it over me i wouldn't like to see this updated with up to 310 just to see how what happens with that balance caught me up but what how many i'm only i'm like 14 betwings ahead overall on overall yeah that's sweet all right well we'll have to put down the number of between overall so that mean overall over 97 games there's been 152 plus 138 between given out so what's that 200 there must have been guests who played oh yeah i forgot about them because that's the other point actually some games i wouldn't have played and you would have played against a guest.

I know. That's why your average has gone up. That's why I've got more. So, strictly speaking, I've done all right considering I've played less games than you overall. So, in many respects, I'm better. But no, but in the heads up,

do we have a heads up? The heads up stats, you're ahead. Okay. Ah, number of games played. You've played 69. Nice. And I've played 69. Nice. And I've played 53. Ah.

So I'm missing out by... A whole bunch of games, yeah. What, 16? Which is the number of betwings I'm almost behind as well. Yeah. Interesting statistic. Is it 60? Want to have a quick look at that?

Yeah. So I'm just going to write up on the website now, on the PAB website, number of betwings. Eli got 152, as it say. Oh, now on the Pab website number of betwings Eli got 152 as it say oh look he's got the theoretical maximum betwings yeah

so I could have won 477 right yeah by 152 of those yeah that's the possible all the games I've played

if you got every single one right I would be on 477 betwings I mean you're not though. So let's remember that that is not a score you've done. You would have theoretical

maximum per twings of only 401. Yeah, because I played less games. So, yeah. So that's obviously being the ring master sometimes. Okay, so that's what this next one, percentage one

from theoretical maximum. Right. So you beat me there. Hooray. That's a more important statistic. You're on 34.41 so i have a higher grade overall of the games that number of games you have won more of the betweens available to you as a percentage of the maximum betweens i do like this now this this is amazing right it really is amazing this is like sports stats i mean this is This is like maybe... Have we gone up our own arse on this one? This is the deepest we've dived in our own pit in a while.

Almost for twinks in a single game. Yeah, I know. You've won that one. I love that. But we've done well in both those cases. Nine and ten are strong. I think we got it in the same game as well. Really?

Maybe not. I mean, that's a whole other world of... That's a whole other world. What episode? What were the price of shites? We drew on longest winning streak. Yeah, three. We've done it three times.

Nice. It's funny how these pointless betwings mean so much to us. Betwings also have a place in our heart because the winner of the urine vision that year. Yeah. I say betwing. Yeah, that's true.

It was fucking one of the best songs we had. Maybe we're really, God, I can't speak today. Maybe we're realizing that betwings are the most important part of Cheap Show. Betwings are a great thing. Yeah. And you know, you can't do your thing without a betwing. You can't.

Do-wop, do-wop, do-wop, do-wop, do-wop, do-wop, do-wow. My meters don't sting unless I wedge in a betwing. No, it doesn't sting unless you wedge one in. Yeah, because it's a salve for my stingy meters. Oh, God, I saw that fucking look in your eye then. That's terrifying. My hurty meters need to salve. Here we go.

We had a nice rational chat about statistics. And the minute your meters pops out and blinks to the fucking waking morning world, all of a sudden it's all bets are off. Eli's gone to bonk town. That's it no there's the hurry up then because we've got another section

another question for Pab to read out okay Pab are breathing down our necks so to speak do they breathe I was going to fill this form and get it in we've got to get it done

do they breathe or do they make a breathing noise through the record does it work as a speaker or a mic it has that white noise you hear when you tune a station between stations on an old radio.

This is the paparibuscus that comes out there. All you hear is... Creepy, aren't they? They're really strange. Plug me in. Plug me in. And at night, in some podcast studios, you can hear them just floating in the darkness around,

and you can hear the analytics. Analytics. Can we get Sue Perkins for this? That's what you can hear. They're a bit like the BBC, or a sort of satirised version. No, because unlike the BBC, they know what a fucking podcast is and how to make them. Ooh!

Anyway, we've got one more. What's Pav's next question? We're going to find out now. Let's just have a little sound effect break. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Right, I've got one more question from the Pab about our podcast that they're unsure about.

They say they want to check up on the off-brand brand-off and make sure we've not been messing around with the stats on that. So it's again a very prestige segment where I, resident super taster, Eli Silverman, taste things, weigh them up in my hand, and look at the texture. Yeah, like a dick. I don't weigh a dick up in my hand.

You should. Why? Half a pound. Hello, I'm half a pound. When I have sex, I don't quite give it the full beans. Half a pound.

You only get half a pound. When I'm with a lady I really love, I give her a full pound. But by and large, I'm half a pound. I just put a weak half shove in.

Arthur Pound. Don't you fucking dare give me the fucking dust devil. I'll do Arthur Pound. You want my version of Arthur Pound? Yeah, you're Arthur Pound. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You know what? I don't.

I don't. You're all right. You don't need to do Arthur Pound, I've decided. Stop bending forward laughing like a fucking demented laughing policeman doll rubbing your fucking stupid beard on the mic in the same place as well anyway they want to know how many times you've guessed the right brand right i would love to know myself they want to know so let me just look at this so i would love to know myself i think it's I've got it right about, I'm going to guess, yeah? I'd say about two-thirds of the time. 66% around there, I think.

Mate! What? You were on 65.52% of the time. See? And off 34.48% of the time. I'm quite good at estimating stuff sometimes, aren't I, Paul? Thank you. So, that's interesting. So the very first, what was the very first Off-Brand Brand-Off we did? It was Jaffa Cakes, wasn't it? It was! Yeah.

Episode 38. That's way early, isn't it? Yeah, do you know why? So that's why Brand-Off was invented. He wasn't invented at the first off-brand Brandoff we did. It was Jaffa Cakes wasn't it? It was. Yeah. Episode 38. That's way early isn't it? Yeah. Do you know why? So that's why Brandoff was invented. He wasn't invented at the first

Brandoff Brandoff. No. Imagine that. Imagine those days when there was no Brandoff. What a fucking great time when

we didn't have characters and unnecessarily wieldy plots. Well I'm enjoying the latest shenanigans. I don't know what shenanigans

Eli. I'm just saying this storyline. I'm just saying this storyline. I'm enjoying this storyline. So we had McVitie's Digestive, Co-op Digestive, McVitie's Jaffa Cake, and Co-op Jaffa Cake. Okay, biscuits. Or cake and biscuit combo. Yeah.

And you prefer the on-brand in both of those cases. So it was, and I got it right in both those cases, didn't I? Yeah, it doesn't. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guessed all the right ones in that case. I doesn't. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You get all the right ones.

I started off on a strong footing. Yeah. It's been more in the recent episodes when we've had that segment that I've failed. You've struggled

lately. Something's just come to me. Skip that. Have you seen Mountain Dew have a fucking guess the flavor one?

Oh really? Yes. Just as a side note that Fanta one still haven't revealed their secret yet and they're still making it until February of next year in the UK

so we're not going to know until next year well perhaps we should revisit it and guess again we need closure on that so yeah we should revisit it no we should buy some

if we still can and then we'll find out when the answer is should I get the Mountain Dew one yeah I was just because it was on my way to DJing and I didn't really have

room for it I didn't get it and I saw it I'm sorry I saw it in Old Street. Next time. Next time you do it. It's all right.

I got a can of the Bajar Mango Bajar Madness. Baja Bajar Bajar Madness. I'm sorry. You just started saying Bajar Madness. I don't know what else to say to that. Bajar. What's it called? I don't know.

I don't know what you're saying. What are you talking about? Shut up. I don't care. It's a mango one. Good. Shut up. Forward that information to Juicyeremy that's his fucking shit field he'll have to ask us to guess what

the flavor is yeah he'll bring it around in his car good that's how that conceit works christ right sorry so we've done quite you know we've done quite a lot of snacky things on off brand brand off yeah col's mayo oh yeah the mayo the great mayo that's when you that's the one when you preferred the um but i also got it wrong because i thought the sainsbury's was the hellman's as well yeah you were aiming for the hellman's but you were off you preferred the sainsbury's basic or something yeah yeah something like that it wasn't sainsbury's basic it was just sainsbury's standard. Yeah, that was the one you guessed. Anyway. McVitie's, Digestives, again, Sainsbury's stuff. We've done Kellogg's.

Cereal. I still want to do more cereal. I'm up for it. Good. I'll do... Also, we need to do a reverse Brand Off Brand Off. What's that? When you stick food up my arse. No, he doesn't have to get that reversed. I have to guess what it is by the consistency of the fudge.

I don't think your tunnel, your rectal tunnel, is that articulate. No. Or sensitive. It is like a burst tyre back there. Well, luckily I've got a whole half tonne of wispy grapes, says my bollocks. No, in all seriousness, what was I talking about?

I don't know! What were we talking about just before that? Just before then? I don't know. What were we talking about just before that? Just before then? I don't know. We were. We were talking about snacks. Yeah, we were talking about, like I said, cereal. I like to do more cereal.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. What cereal could we do? Well, there's Lucky Charm knockoffs. I like to do Lucky Charms versus those, like, Sainsbury's ones or whatever they are. And then I said reverse. Then you said reverse.

And then I said, would it be sticking poop in my bum? No, let's not go down there. And then I have to figure out what the food is based on the consistency of the turn. Let's not replay that whole conversation for everyone's delectation. I think that's sweet corn. Yes, you're feeling it with your bum hole.

Oh, someone likes a stew. Shut up. Someone's feeding Teppid Stewart to your arsehole Yeah Oh god With a funnel

and upside down doing a handstand We've reached the end We have As it fills me up We've reached the end of this This is the age

of the trade All I'm saying What is a reverse off-brand brand off-elite You do it instead of me You do the tasting

oh I see then yeah yeah yeah are you up for that you're just going to find me something to do then don't you well maybe the cereals

because Lucky Charms is one of your I do like Lucky Charms a lot yeah you should do that as the first you heard it here everyone the first reverse

let's not call it a reverse brand off call it off brand off brand off brand brand off off brand off brand off brand what is it called brand off brand what's it called it's called off brand brand off call it off brand off brand off brand brand off off brand off brand off brand what is it called brand off brand

what's it called it's called off brand brand off so it should be brand off off brand yeah that's what it's called brand off off brand

down broth off brand blah blah blah blah broth broth broth up in spuff broth broth I go cough cough broth spuff

oh oh oh god I've had enough of your broth of my spuff I've had enough of your broth. Of my spoff. I've had enough. Oh, I've spoffed up on my broth. Oh.

I am literally just hoping you burn this out so I can just carry on with a normal podcast. Paul, I just want to say one thing. I've had enough of this spoff in me broth. You've had enough of this spoff in my broth? Yes, that's what I'm saying. Enough of the spoff in the broth, okay? I'm trying to eat. I'm smoth in my broth. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Enough of the smoth in the broth, okay? I'm trying to eat.

I'm trying to eat my broth. You're like Dr. Seuss for perverts, like Dr. Sprurf or something like that. Dr. Sprurf. Dr. Sprurf. Write that down. Dr. Sprurf. Right.

A goodly hey-ho. No, no, stop. I'm Dr. Sprurf. You're not doing it. A goodly hey and a widdly hey-ho. You're just doing that guy. Because you want to say nothing's on God Todd. guy because you want to say oh god Todd

I want to say the phrase that's been burning in my head all day and I'm going to say it now it is Ogden's I can't remember it Ogden's Dog Todd Dog Todd

I got it ready Ogden's Dog Todd. Dog Todd. I think the name... No, I got it ready. Yeah. Ogden's Dog Todd Nut Roast. Right, there you go. Not as funny now, is it, what we got there? It's really not.

It's really not. Paul, don't worry about that. You've had your moments today. I just want to see that album renamed Ogden's Hot Dog Todd Rods or something like that.

Todd Rods. Todd Rods. He's referring everybody to the, of course, to Ogden's Nut Gone Flake, which is the small faces. Small feces. Small feces.

Ogden Dog Tod Roast. What's one of their songs? What's one of their songs off that album? Give us, wouldn't it be nice? It's not off that. Isn't it it i think that was just a single sunday afternoon i think that was just a single was it was comped i believe oh is reeney on there then reeney's on there all right that's already about a prostitute yeah but i make it about a poo-poo it slimy. It plops in the bog. It gets all grubly. And jumps in a frog.

I don't know what to say. Why does a poo jump in a frog? Why does anything happen on this podcast ever? Nothing happens. It's stasis. You just... We've gone right back to poo. We literally just said Dr. Spurft.

And I was trying to do a Stanley Osborne impression as a result. A hidey-ho. A grumbly hing-ho. A dilly-humber-do. And I was fumbling do a Stanley Unwin impression as a result. A hidey-ho. A grumbly hing-ho. A dilly-humber-do. And I was fumbling in the grumble road. And it was all grumbly. We should do a... I was getting dangerously close to mulch-y then as well.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Don't peel back the curtain. Unwin Bellamy. Unwin Bellamy. Unwin Bellamy. Unwin Bellamy. Unwin Bellamy. Blubbly, blubbly, blubbly.

You can be quite gentle in multi-fibbage though, can't he? Yeah, if you treat him with kid gloves, you'll be in safe hands with multi-fibbage. Don't use actual kids. But don't leave any

vulnerable people near him as he will consume them. I'm just going to say that out loud. Right, that's it. I can fill out this form now, mate. Oh, great. So Pab have been kept at bay for another year.

Well, we'll fill it. We'll maybe have to do an update next year, but I just thought we'd do the podcast authority bureau. Keep them off our Well, we'll fill it. We'll maybe have to do an update next year, but I just thought we'd do the, you know, the Podcast Authority Bureau, keep them off our backs, mate. Job done.

And thanks to the brilliant work. Yeah, it is Samu. Thanks so much. An incredible database. And we only scraped the surface there, Paul, didn't we? No, I was going to print this out thinking, oh, a couple of pieces of paper. And I saw the pages and pages and pages and pages of,

of like, it's just the episode breakdown alone, even though it's not like super comprehensive, it's still 300 pages. It is actually going to be an incredibly useful resource for us. So I might, if I can, I'll upload them to our website in some capacity for you to download. I don't know how to do that with PDFs.

We'll see. But check out this episode anyway, anyway, on thecheapshow.co.uk. That's the website, everybody. That's the one. But maybe just some of the more entertaining ones, like the episode breakdown catalogue. Yeah. Don't put all of that stuff up there.

You don't have to put all of that stuff up there. Well, I did say, once I got my Ghostbusters book out of the way, and we reached towards like 350, I might try and see if we can put together a proper, like, you know those Simpsons episode guides? Yes. Like one of those for Cheap Show. a write a book that breaks down every episode what happens first appearance of characters lines you know those out of context lines that's like venues and things as well put it all in make a big book that'll be fun wouldn't it it would be fun wouldn't that be fun right anyway i'm just gonna press send on this form to Pat. Press send, yeah. And it's uploaded. Oh, that's good.

I'm getting a message. Keeps your pass. Keeps your pass. Are we passed? Keeps your pass. It's a talking email. Plug me in. Plug me in. And we can't plug them in.

Keeps your pass. Chodney bar off. Chodney bar off. I think it's learning, Eli. I think the pub are absorbing Cheap Show. Chodney Spraft. Noodle Report. Noodle Report.

I think I'm getting a fever or something. Eli's got Chodney hands. I've got Chodney hands. I thought we were doing the, what? The sum up now. What is the sum up? The bye bye and like,

go to the website thing. Oh no, you mean, that happens after I put a sound effect in usually. Usually we wrap a bit up and we go, oh. I'm really, I'm done. Oh, no, you mean... And Twitter. No, that happens after I put a sound effect in, usually. Usually we wrap a bit up and we go, Oh, I'm really... I'm done. Oh, you're done?

It's all the poo-poo talk. Is it all the poo-poo talks? You stifle my genius. That's not true. Because A, You stifle it. I could barely get a word in edgeways some episodes. And B,

you're an untalented prick with no semblance of talent. An untalented prick with no semblance of talent. You're a talentless prick with no semblance of talent. An untalented prick with no semblance of talent. You're a talentless prick with no semblance of talent. I've bookended the word talent to really emphasise

the lack of it you have. Well, that's it. Go on, just fold your clothes over onto your chest. Yeah. And act like mother. Why are you describing everything I do?

Eli, don't... You're obsessed with me. Don't unzip your trousers. Eli, come on now. What is that, anyway? It's a raven's beak. Is that a goldfish's eye? It's a goldfish's eye on top of a tennis ball.

Is it a goldfish's lip atop a mountain? It's a piece of millet on top of a golf club. Is it a dormouse's nail clipping? It's a doymoistis. It's a doymoistis guy gash, isn't it? Oh, the Doymeisters Eyeless. And we've now

finally gone into nonsense again, so let's just wrap this up, Eli, because we've only pushed our luck with the absolute

fucking shit we say sometimes. We've got to stop it. We have to stop it. Doymeisters. A diddly hey ho,

a biddly bommish, and a good win. That's it, that's it. We've maxed out. Blish my oilish. Shut up. Don't throw that away. Oh, I'm not going to do that.

Give it to me. Right. Just podcast, website, Patreon, magazine, Twitter. And that was Cheap Show again for another week. Thank you for joining us. And hey, if you've listened to this and thought, I don't mind supporting that, go for it. Patreon.com forward slash

Cheap Show. Thank you. And depending on what tier you decide to support us on, you'll get access to videos and extra podcasts and some commentaries and behind the scenes stuff and also events, amazing PDF but also physical magazine

that you can buy from our website and if you want to go to that website there's a link on our website so it's a one stop shop thecheapshow.co.uk

you can go there for links to all the arts and merch pages events physical magazine there's also a link to the Patreon there videos

every episode has an accompanying page with pictures and sometimes videos basically if you want to go there to one stop shop t-shirts

yeah you can get that through the links on the merch on all those pages we've got several artists and t-shirts for us brilliant work

so yeah go to thecheapshow.co.uk and you'll find us there we're on twitter at thecheapshowpod I'm at paulgallantshow and Eli is Eli

what is it snoid Eli snoid did you just pretend to forget then for giggles I actually forgot yeah we're tired I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is Eli what is it Snoid Eli Snoid did you just pretend to forget then for giggles I actually forgot yeah we're tired

you don't look at it much do you you just sort of open your twitter Eli Snoid which is spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and

I just want to say this now I've put a lot of effort into next week a lot of effort a lot of effort a lot of effort into next week's episode it's our

Christmas office party next week. Oh, yeah. And I want none of the same shit we always have. Where we get out of hand drinking. Okay. And the arguing. I'm allowed to drink something. Yeah, so next week, office Christmas party.

But I've also invited Ash and Biffo. We're going to have a proper office party this year. So they're going to be there as well. And we're going to have lots of games. It's going to be a really blokey night. Will there be crackers? I mean, is there cheese? There'll be food. And there'll be crackers. And we're going to be there as well. And we're going to have lots of games. It's going to be a really blokey night. Will there be crackers? I mean, is there cheese? There'll be food.

And there'll be crackers. And we're going to do Secret Santa. And I've got some few games in there as well. Some few blokey games that are going to be real blokey laugh. We're going to have a blokey night. Okay. It's going to be a real blokey one. I like this from you.

A masculine energy coming from you. Yeah, we're going to make it a real blokey episode. Okay, really blokey. You know what? Laddy. You can't have a lad night without some booze, can you yeah we're going to make it a real blokey episode really blokey you know what laddy you can't have a lad night without some booze can you

so we're going to have some beer have a real blokey Christmas office party I think you're overselling this yeah

he's doing wanky off now yeah I am so that's what we've got next week so I've booked the place I've booked this

little private gentlemen's club for us. And Ash and Biff are going to be there. So it should be a fun time. Good. Anything else? No, that's it. Why don't you join us next week

for our Office Christmas Party 2? They always go so well. Is it Office Christmas Party 2? This will be five. Office Christmas Party 5. I think it's the fifth one. Will there be a

Price is a Chances? Well, I don't know. There'll be a Secret Santa and a few surprises that you like. Shall I bring some sauce?

Yeah, you can bring some. I'll bring my box. Bring your Christmas box of sauces. I do. Do you have a Christmas sauce box?

I've got it. I could draw some holly on the side of it, but it's a Tupperware, Paul. I mean, if you make the effort and draw some holly on it,

then you can, but if you turn it into a box of sauce, I'll put it straight in the bin. You will not, because it's a Tupperware, Paul. I mean, if you make the effort and draw some holly on it then you can but if you turn it into a box of sauce I'll put it straight in the bin. You will not because it's reusable Tupperware and it's all sealed sauces. Well, then you can keep the box

and I'll just pour the sauce in the bin. These are sachets and little potlets. Yeah, they'll go in the bin. You can have your little box. You can't throw my potlets in the bin. I can. Hey, Paul. What?

Cliff Richard was on Radio 4 the other day talking to Clive Anderson okay he's unbearable twat right so there's not a joke because I thought that was a set up for a joke

like Cliff Richard was on Radio 4 last week it's really funny I was singing this song did he talk about how Mistletoe and Wine is a great song and how Christmas

isn't the same anymore aggrandising himself and it's so funny when you sing it hey Mistletoe and Wine you know I mean I think listen to it one you know I mean I think the charts

his whole thing was about having a Christmas number one the most times in a row or whatever Cliff Richard went from semi respectable pop star to Christmas whore

who could only seem to get by by having a Christmas hit and it's like mate maybe just write decent songs that aren't

maudlin hymns well look it's extremely difficult to have a sustained career in that area of any sort. We all know this. Yeah, and he's had more luck than most. Yeah, so fine. So why doesn't he fuck off and die?

Well, he soon will. Hope so. And I hope he dies on fucking Christmas Day as well. I fucking hope Cliff Richard dies on fucking Christmas Day. You really are a fountain of joy and positivity, really throughout this whole process, Paul. Cliff Richard's loved ones wake to a cold Christmas morn and a stiff, dead body on the couch.

But I love Wired for Sound and Devil Woman. Great track. She's a devil woman. That is a really good tune. Yeah, it's great. Well, there you go. And that's the last time he was of any

real relevance. But that was still a good 25 years after he, when was Devil Woman late 70s, early 80s? I don't know. I don't know when

he, when he. And he started in the mid 60s, early 60s. No, look, he's had a long life with plenty of success and now it's time

for it to end. That's it. It's all I'm really saying. Can we stop this episode? Yeah, i'm stopping it now bye everyone see you next week hello hello if you're listening