CheapShow - Ep 312: The 4th Annual Office Christmas Party (Part One)

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

It’s that time of year again! It’s the 4th Annual Office Christmas Party and Paul has made a BIG effort to make sure it’s the BEST office party to date. Paul wants it very “blokey” and so he has invited Ash Frith and Mr Biffo along to join him and Eli for a night of drinking, swearing, rude games and maybe even a sexy Santa stripper! Unfortunately, Mr Biffo has brought Sanja along and so things start going wrong very quickly. Eli is violently in need of a drink, Biffo can’t wait to ruin Paul’s fun, Ash can’t drink and begins to suffer greatly as a result and Sanja is trying to get TOO into the “macho” atmosphere. They consume cheap Xmas themed snacks, a very low budget Christmas feast, way, WAY too much booze and they’re locked in a remote log cabin on a very snowy day. It’s an office party so demented and calamitous that we had to split it over two episodes. You’ve been warned! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-312-4th-office-xmas-party-part-one And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With @ashfrith @mrbiffo & @charmfairy8 Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJEp

When are they getting here, Paul? I don't know any minute now. No, let's start again. You haven't done anything to start yet? I just need to have my... Take a breath. All right, take a breath. What's the scenario?

It's our office Christmas party. Yeah, we're just waiting for them to arrive. Yeah, we've all... Okay, you start. All right, okay. When waiting for them to arrive. Yeah, we've all... Okay, you start. All right, okay. When are they going to get here then, do you think? There you go. That's why you shouldn't have let me start.

All right. No, I know where we're going from this now. I'll start. All right, go. When are they getting in? Any minute now, I think. Yeah, everything's ready. Do you like the place I've rented in the middle of the woods?

A cabin in the middle of the woods? Yeah, it's really great. I just wondered that they wouldn't be able to find it on Google Maps, but they should get here soon. It's really, really comfy. Snowing outside as well. It's very Christmassy. I feel so Christmas-y.

I feel Christmas-y. I am so Christmas-y right now. Should we start this bit again yeah let's let's start that bit again can you just not spring it on me I didn't know we were meant

to be in a weird place how do you mean spring it on you when I've mentioned this before I didn't know we were in some cabin yes suddenly I'm trying I'm improvising a cabin I didn't know where to go with that

it was in the email it was in the email listen how about this how about how about this go on this is all staying in how about this we are waiting for them to arrive

I like this I like this raggedy and behaviour we do we do. How about this? We're waiting for them to arrive. I like this. I like this raggedy-an behaviour. We do. We do a thing where like, oh, they're on their way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. And then perhaps I ask you what you've got planned for this office Christmas party.

No, we'll do that when they turn up. And action. Stop kicking your legs around. We haven't started. Well, we have. When are they getting here? Who? The guests.

Oh, the guests. Let's start again. Three. Three. And action. Eli, I hope everything's ready. It looks ready, yeah. They're going to be here any minute, and I want things perfect.

All the booze is laid out, the crackers, the snacks. We've got everything. We've got a nice Christmas meal on the go. And in these beautiful surroundings of this cabin in the woods. It looks really good, yeah. The whole cabin looks great. It looks great. It cost us a lot to get of this cabin in the woods. It looks really good. Yeah, the whole cabin looks great. It looks great.

It cost us a lot to get out of here with the Uber. Oh, it really did. I wasn't involved with that. I'm just sort of plonked here like an alien from outer space suddenly in this scenario.

I don't think I sell for it. Up until the point I disagree with the story, I check in and out of it at my own fucking will. I thought we weren't doing the log cabin.

It sucks as a thing. Fuck off. You fucking suck. This is our Christmas party. It's got our biggest ever. It's the office party, but you as the manager of the Cheap Show office, you know, you need to lay out some ground rules.

Here's the ground rules. Shut your fucking mouth. Oh, ding dong, there's the bell, doorbell. Someone's coming in. Hey! I haven't put the sound effect in yet. Oh, I wonder who this is. Go get the door, Eli.

Hello? And move that small wooden. Go get the door, Eli. Hello? And move that small wooden puppet out the way as well. Who's there? Now I'm very far away. Who's there? Why does the pitch of your voice go up when you get further away? It does, doesn't it? No, you just get fainted like this.

Imagine no. Or just talk off mic like that. Imagine that the door is in a narrowing tunnel. So it acts like a sort of sound funnel. But would that work? I'm checking out of this particular storyline, Eli. Just for the record. Ding dong. There's the door. So it acts like a sort of sound funnel. But would that work? I'm checking out of this particular storyline, Eli. Just for the record. Ding dong, there's the door.

Open it, he's waiting. Fuck me. Oh, down the stairs. I can put these sound effects in if you want. End of the corridor. Hello, who's there? Ash is here, Paul. Sorry, I'm so far down the end of your corridor,

I can't quite hear what's going on. Who's that behind you? Who's at the door? It's Ash and also Biffo and Sanya. No, they come later. Give it fucking time. We're not here yet. We're not here yet. Sanya's a surprise. The whole thing's a surprise and your fat

brain wisdom can't fathom it. Knock, knock, knock. It's just Ash. It's fucking freezing out here. Come on in. Come on in. We're going to have to walk down this big, long corridor now. This place is incredible, Paul. Do you like it?

All the decorations. You've got no spare expense. No spared expense. No spared expense. You've had no spared expense, and it's a cabin. I've never seen Eli so committed to a To a bit To a cabin

We're in a lovely cabin aren't we Eli It's sprucey That's what I'm saying The last time I saw you in a cabin Wasn't I murdering you Yeah We were going to bring that up We just thought

I'm sorry it's Christmas Yeah no I still Hang on wait He's got a new arm sewn on Then he was replaced entirely By advanced technology. Yeah, because I died on the live show, didn't I? He died and he got, yes.

Marjorie Craddock made me a new one. So effectively, you didn't kill me. No. You killed him. No hard feelings anyway, is there? So I'm all right with you. He's dead, though. You've got that to live with.

That's a different Paul. That's a different Paul. Oh, no. That's the original Paul. I know where he is. Didn't he act, didn't he? But he was like after me as well, wasn't he? I can't, with. That's a different Paul. That's a different Paul. Oh, no. That's the original Paul. I know where he is. Didn't he act, didn't he? He was like after me as well, wasn't he? I can't, mate.

Let's not keep track. It's been so long, Ash, since we've been on the show. Was that the last time? No. No, it wasn't. He was here for the birthdays and your invisions. I didn't reference it before. I thought I would have.

But we've never had you at a Christmas office party, so we thought we'd invite you along to this one. It's lovely. There's a photocopier. Eli, I saw him take a picture of his bum crack on the photocopier a moment ago. He did have a photocopier in it. Not just my bum crack, either.

What? Hold on. That's not yes and. What do you mean we haven't got a photocopier in? He was just pushing his arse against the aquarium round the back. That's what it was. All those poor... Not just the aquarium, either.

Go on. Elaborate. I put my meters on your phone receiver. Oh, that explains the chalky residue. Rub, rub, rub on the phone receiver, which you put to your lips. Ding dong, there's the fucking bell. I wonder who this is. Oh, go down! Do you want me to go down?

Come down, Paul! Ash, come down with us. You're all going down. Oh, it's quite a tight fit, Danny. Let's open the door and see who it is. Hello, who's this? Oh, everybody. It's Dancing Biffo. Oh, he's doing the David Brent dance.

He's doing the David Brent dance. Because it's the office Christmas party, isn't it? That's the sound you want. It's not just me, though. Why? I brought someone with me. You didn't have to. You could just come by yourself. It's not just me, though. Why? I brought someone with me. You didn't have to. You could just come by yourself.

It's a closed party. I never come by myself. It's just for blokes. I'm married. It was meant to be a bit of a blokey thing, though. Yes, that was the thing, wasn't it? We just brought all these boys together. I've all got some blokes to come.

I'm here now, though. Look, it's Sanya. Are you all right, Sanya? Hi. Sanya's here. Oh, God. You didn't tell me it was a blokey thing. No, that's great. No. It just had a blokey thing. now though look it's Sanya hi oh god you didn't tell me it was a

no that's great he just had a blokey thing he's been going on about how he wants it to be blokey I've got a stripper comment and stuff

what lady it's that kind of Christmas office party bloke we're playing loads of bloke why didn't you tell me

you didn't say it was a blokey thing I didn't know it would be a stripper. I mean, I'm really happy to be here. This cabin is amazing. Thank you so much. We almost didn't find it on Google Maps, but you're in the end.

Do you smell it, though? The spruce. The spruce and the pie. Did somebody say Bruce? My name's Bruce. Not cabin. say Bruce my name's Bruce not Captain Merry Merry

Christmas Christmas Bruce Merry Christmas why I tell you what I tell you what come both in

we'll adapt come both in come both in everyone come both in if there's a nudie lady I won't look

I'll close my eyes yeah oh you'll close your eyes, okay. No, we're not going to go into the main area. Come on, everyone upstairs. Oh, this is better. It's much bigger in here. Yeah, all right, wonderful.

Ladies and gentlemen, sit down. Welcome into the Cheap Show fourth annual office Christmas party. Hooray! Merry Christmas, everybody. One and all. Ho, ho! Speak for yourself. No, I'm going to drop the elf. I mean, I might mention it. Is that a euphemism for drugs? Dropping an elf? We're dropping an elf. I've just dropped an elf. No, I'm going to drop the elf. I mean, I might mention it.

Is that a euphemism for drugs? Dropping an elf? Dropping an elf. I've just dropped an elf. I bet there was once an ecstasy tablet called an elf. Yeah, of course there was. Probably. I've dropped an elf.

I do. You got any elves? Anyone got any elves? I've got a hobgoblin. He's a hobgoblin type of elf. No, it's a type of real ale, isn't it? No, I know that, but I mean, he's a hobgoblin. No of elf no it's a type of real ale isn't it no I know that but I mean

it is a hobgoblin no it's a type of no it's a type of goblin elves and goblins are different they're goblin at Christmas party it's a mini goblin

elf no what little hobgoblin it's like a mini goblin it's not a hobgoblin it's a different race I don't think it's a small goblin it's a different race

entirely to goblins oh I thought it was just like a tiny little goblin no it's a different hobgoblin I think that as well they like cooking on the oven top It's a different race entirely to goblets. I thought it was just like a tiny little goblin. No, it's a different category. I think that as well. They like cooking on the oven top. Tiny ones are called goblets.

It's a hobgoblin, does it reside around ovens? Yes. It's very similar to what Paul said. Yeah, it's more or less the same joke. Same joke, but just slightly wordier. What about this? Does it live in your mouth? A gobgoblin. Does it live on your penis? A gob goblin. Does it live on your penis? A knob goblin.

That's what you do Saturday night behind the back shed. Thank you. What a way to put down. I'm sorry. Is that a Christmas knob goblin happening? If you're lucky.

Right, everyone quiet down. It's time to have, we're going to have a Christmas meal now. I've prepared a Christmas meal on a cheap show budget. What meal is it then, Paul? Is it dinner? Could it be Christmas dinner? What kind of greed would we say at the beginning of this segment? A cheese dream. It's a Christmas tradition in our house.

A cheese dream? It's eggy bread, but it's a cheese tradition in our house. A cheese dream? Yeah, it's... What's a cheese dream? It's eggy bread, but it's a cheese sandwich. I don't eat it, obviously. So you make a cheese sandwich, and then you soak it in egg, and then you fry it. I, for one, applaud that.

Everyone involved with the creation of such food. That sounds lovely. But you only have that at Christmas. I don't eat it because... You could put some hot sauce in it, the melty one. Oh, no, but you wouldn't do the egg, though. I like eggy bread in all its forms.

Is there an egg substitute for vegans? Yes. Can you get, like... Is there? Yeah, there's loads. What? Is there? I don't know.

You get liquid egg in a carton. Yeah. It's liquid vegan egg. Or they sell powders that you can mix with water. I don't know. It's called veg. Whoa, is that real? It's called vag. I can't tell if Eli's being veg. Whoa, is that real? It's called vag.

I just can't tell if Eli's being serious or not. It's true, it's true. I've had vag on toast. There's also the powder packet. I've been waiting for vag for four years. Yeah, what's going on? Try anchovy, but you don't eat that either. What?

Mixed with butter. Is there really a thing called vag? No. Yeah, I mean, there's a thing. There's lots of things. Ash, would you eat a reptile's egg? Yeah. Clever clogs.

No, I definitely wouldn't. Even if it was just on the floor? What about not in our... I don't necessarily have a problem with that kind of egg. Would you eat a dog egg? Yeah. Oh, I thought... Who brought that up?

Is that... Is he doing the Christmas jokes? Street child. It's... Street child. I just do... Street child. Street Chow It's Street Chow Street Chow The only chow I know Street Chow

I find that street chow In the snow Is there anything More depressing at Christmas Than seeing a dog poo In some snow It's Horrible It's not only depressing,

it's viscerally horrifying. Because it stains the snow around. Has it melted the snow? Yeah, that's the worst thing. As if it has this warmth, the virulence, and the... Virulence?

The revoltingness has a sort of warmth. What are you tapping your foot for? That's weird. I don't like the... It's exciting. It's like a dog when you scratch a part of warmth. What are you tapping your foot for? That's weird. I don't like that. It's like a dog when you scratch a part of it. The poison eats. It's just so bad.

For me, it's the droplets of yellow urine holes. Oh, I find that sobering. I find those like breadcrumbs to sadness. Yeah, yeah. You follow the urine. I find them inspiring. Follow the yellow piss trail. Piss holes. Follow the yellow piss road. Piss holes.

Follow the yellow piss holes. Follow the yellow piss holes. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow piss holes. I'm not being a pissing. The wonderful pissing of Oz. It's a letter, it's a shit. If I only had a turd. Something like that. Listen, there's someone who can't be here a shit If I only had a turd Something like that

Listen There's someone Who can't be here today But they've left a message Would you like to hear it? It's from Ethan Ethan wanted to be here today But he couldn't

Because he's filming Horrible histories On the telly How much of that Is he filming? Like loads of it It's a lot It's every day

There's a new photo Of him dressed up As some He's like a real life Mr. Ben But when it's on Is photo of him dressed up as some... It's a job, isn't it? He's like a real-life Mr. Ben. But when it's on, is it like weekly? Yes. You see him, he's like, oh, he's the mate now.

He's a sailor or he's a prime minister or something, isn't he? Oh, this week he's an actor. Yes. Anyway, he sent a message. I'm going to play it for you now. I haven't listened to this yet, so I don't know what he said. So let's see if... Hopefully you can pick this up.

Hey, Paul. Hey, Eli. It's your boy, Ethan. Lawrence from the Talia from the live show. I hope you're having an amazing Christmas party. I'm kind of busy at the minute,

so I wouldn't be able to be there even if my invite hadn't got lost in the mail. But I hope you're having a great time with Mr. Biffo and Ash Frith, of all people. I don't know why he's there. I don't know why he got an invite.

There's fly-by night, there's fair weather, and then there's Ash Frith, or Ash First, as I like to call him. I'm actually free in the new year. If you want to hang out or make a podcast or something, I'm free as a bird. So just let me know. Hit up my app. Text me. No, it's all good.

I'm sure you guys are busy as well. Merry Christmas and a happy new year. If I was American. Bye. All right, that's his Christmas. A bit of a personal attack there. I love him. I made the effort to come to this cabin.

He's lovely. He is very good. Every time he's been on the show, he has delivered so much and given quite a lot. He really has, actually. Yeah. You know,

it took me 18 hours to get to this cabin. Yeah, well, that, well, look, thank you. I didn't know he was going to say that. I don't agree with everything he says. Not all of it. But don't worry, you're safe.

You know what? I chose not to do Horrible Histories. Did you? To be here, yeah. You chose not to get an agent, become an actor. You chose not to go through an audition process. No training.

And then you chose not to put yourself in a position where you could be in a play or a movie. I chose not to do that, to become an actor you chose not to go through an audition process and then you chose not to put yourself in a position where you could be in a play or a movie I chose not to do that to be here I specifically chose

all of those things so that I could be here you're here and he's not and that means so much more to us exactly exactly

exactly isn't that weird I didn't like you too high don't touch me can we have some booze for fuck's sake? Like 20 minutes into this bloody

Seven minutes no seven minutes in like in Blade Runner listen the man is dry You know that guy says bring it up movie Drink and he goes and he's dry man is dry. Oh, yeah, I know. You need to drink to man is dry. Man is dry. One of the overlooked themes in Blade Runner is getting fucking pissed. Aren't you clever? Oh, I've spotted another theme in Blade Runner. The world's most interminable sci-fi movie.

I didn't say I liked it. What? You don't like Blade Runner? It's not for me. Mate, listen. I don't care for any of all of that. Right. Eli, before I prepare for Christmas dinner. Stop moving. Stop doing this. I don't care for any of all of that Right Eli

Stop moving Stop doing this What are you going to say to me I was going to say we can start drinking Because you've been a prick I'm going to prolong it No I'm not been a prick And I want a drink as well We want booze

We want booze He's driving Don't say that I'll have yours We want booze We want booze He's driving Yeah I will You go for mine I'll have yours I want booze I want booze Right it's okay

Right we're going to have a few Shall I go down and get the booze from the corridor? Is it in the corridor or in the basement? Oh it's in the basement It's all the way down It's like watching someone have a stroke Don't say that Why?

Because I'm close to it I'm getting this You're close to stroking I'm not close to stroking What kind of stroking? I'm not making light of strokes Are you going to stroke off? When I cough

I have this thing up In the back of my neck And it hurts It could be a rat You're listening to the last Christmas office party With Eli Silverman Before his massive stroke

In 2023 Don't Don't even go there. Honestly, terrible time. It was very sad. We were all huddled around the bed, weren't we? Laughing, pointing, giving him things to hold on his hand. This is a future stroke I haven't had yet.

What's going on with you? Is this now a kind of Christmas cow thing? The ghost of Christmas future is you. We're the first ghost My name is Spoffrey Gizstream

And welcome And welcome To which one comes first Eli, past Oh, the ghost of Christmas past Eli It's Marley's ghost The past? Oh, the ghost of... Christmas past. Eli. It's Marley first.

It's Marley. Marley's ghost. Spoffery, though, unfortunately. What's a past first? Spoffery Chistream. I thought it was the big fat one. Yes. It was the presents.

Ghost of Christmas presents is the big jolly one. Is that first? The first one is like a kind of angelic ghost baby angel thing. It's a shit book, I think. It's not a shit book. I'm sorry. Some people don't like The Shining and some people don't like A Christmas Carol by Bruce Dickens.

Can we just confirm which ghost I represent? I want to draw a line under the Christmas Carol analogy now. I want to know which ghost I am before we move on. You are Spiffridge Offrey. Spoffrey Jitstream. Spoffrey Jitstreamiffridge Offering. Spoffridge It Stream. Spoffridge It Stream. Get it right. Spoffridge It Stream.

Welcome to a portion of your life. A portion of his life. Either before, during. You can do all three. You can take him on all three. It can all happen simultaneously. It can all happen at once. Oh, Paul.

I am also here in Spiffridge It Stream. Spoffridge It Stream. I told you to get it right! Everyone else can say Spoffry Jidstream. Spoffry Jidstreams! Jid... I'm the little hobgoblin coming up behind him and I'm also a supernatural creature. Oh come inside me!

And do you know what lobby I represent from the future supernatural world? Getting the fucking booze out! Wait a second! It's snowing right Eli why would you like to start with the drinks then I think we should try this rum liqueur that's very oh yeah so this was given to me by

Tom who in the past was channel 84 he's helped fix everything we know Tom and listener if you remember this moment where Eli started drinking at the start of the Christmas party you will remember this moment where Eli started drinking at the start of the Christmas party, you will remember this. Remember this bit because it's going to crop up later in the future.

It's a moment of real potence. Yeah, in the toilet tomorrow morning when I've got the yellow squirt water. Okay. So Tom got Cheap Show this and he said to save it for the office Christmas party. So, Tom got us, Tom got Cheap Show this and he said to save it for the office Christmas party. So we have.

Thank you, Tom, for helping us out throughout the year, fixing the hard drive and saving my recorder from blowing up. Remember when the hard drive broke in

the past? Remember when the hard drive broke back in early 2022? Now, Spoffrey Gistring, I'll ask you to keep the haunting down low. Keep the haunting down, would you?

Stop doing that character thing is what they say. Keep your haunting down. I've seen the spread today and I have to say Tom's gift is probably the most classy. It's easily the most alcoholic. Yeah, it is. 20%.

What's that 20? 17. Yeah, but you've been pouring that down with lemonade. Oh, is that what a snowball is? Is that what a snowball is? Yeah. I threw a snowball at Paul when he came out of the toilet. You did, but I was more perturbed by the fact

I dropped a vape down the toilet that had lit more up neon blue. Be careful of these old log cabin in the wood things. Oh, sorry. They could start fire. They've only got a septic these old log cabin in the wood things. Oh, sorry. They could start some... They've only got a septic tank here. It's not connected to the sewer. Have you ever had a snowball with your partner?

Have you ever had a snowball with your partner, Mr. Bigfoot? I know what you're saying. Do you? Do you know what I'm getting at with a snowball? Have you ever shared a snowball? What does that mean?

Smoking into a cup or something? Into a mouth. Drinking it. I know what it is. I'm merely asking if, for instance, he has been fellated to completion and then the said partner has then risen up from the sitting position and then kissed the male partner

and spat the spunk back into their mouth. Is that a snowball? That's a snowball. That's what a snowball is. That was a big thing when I was at school. Was it? Yeah. You used to all do it.

What about a rainbow kiss? Do you remember that? What's a rainbow kiss? I don't want to know. That's going down your partner during the time of the month and then giving them a kiss. Yeah, but I would have called that

like a rhubarb and custard kiss. Rainbow? It's not a rainbow. It's all red. Raspberry jam kiss. Oh my Christ. I call it, I know I call it

stigmata kiss. I call it, I know I call it, stigmata kiss. I call it jammy crumpet upstairs downstairs. It sounded like a lovely kid's song. Come on, that was good. Open, drink this. I can't figure this shit out. It's really weird. It's a really weird bottle top.

It's a really weird lid and I can't figure it out. It is a really weird lid. Is it not just poor? Oh, it's dribbling. It's very dribbling top. It's a really weird lid and I can't figure it out. It is a really weird lid. Is it not just pour? Oh, it's dribbling. It's very dribbling. Is it syrup? No, get that off. It's like an old man's cock.

Hang on, what's this? Do you have to lift it up? Is it like one of those sports water bottles that you just pop the top bit up? No, that's not. That's really... Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't say too much. Calm down.

Calm down, Paul. The rum has been erased. Oh, Jesus. Wet. So, ladies next. I'll have a little sippage. Oh, thank you. The rum has been in the glass. Oh, Jesus, wet. So, ladies next. I'll have a little sippage. Oh, thank you. I will have a sippage. You want to have a tiny bit?

Yeah, I'll have a tiny bit. You're right. I can have like a pint of this stuff and drive. I would have it on drip. On a saline solution. What's the flavour? Raspberry. I think Ash will have a tiny, tiny bit.

Yeah, can I have a little cup? I don't want to. Just a tiny wee bit. There's a tiny wee cup I don't want to How did you squeeze out Are we going to have ice with it There's loads of ice Should I put some ice in it Eli Or we've got snow outside No we're not using the snow

Yeah if I just have literally Tickle the bottom of the cup with it Smells good It does it smells nice and Christmassy He wants to prove himself somehow Tickle the bottom of the cup with it. Smells good. It does. It smells nice and Christmassy. The whole blokey thing he's trying to do, he wants to prove himself somehow. By hiring this cab, this must cost him a fortune. I know.

He's trying to be the big, and he wants to have normal friends, like lads. Look at all the animal heads on the wall. That's weird, isn't it? Are they his? Did he kill those? No, he's pretending. Everyone, I'm back.

There he is. He thinks they're masculine. He thinks it makes him an alpha. Oh, thank you. And that's from outside, is it? Oh, that's taken a lot. You can have some. Oh, that's got a quote.

Ice. Ice and a slice. Okay, so this is... With this ice, you really spoil us. Imagine just being served ice at a party. I love it. I dream for that. Did you chop this out from outside?

A lump of ice out in the... I broke it off the table. The ice table? Yeah, the snowy table. What is this? It smells like... This is distilled rumiette. I'm passing that under the microphone for the listeners to smell.

I don't know what it is. It's so dark in here, Paul. I'm passing that under the microphone for the listeners to smell. I don't know about it. Grande. Jesus Christ. Can we have some light? It's so dark in here, Paul. This is the light, though. This is all I've been working on. It's all candles. In a log cabin, that feels dangerous. Well, there's a lovely fire.

K.O. Grand Day Club. That's why I'm so cozy. Liquor. Liquor. Yes. So this is rum and honey. Rum and honey. And it's distilled.

So I think it has a look of something that wasn't just seven quid. Rum and honey. And it's distilled, so I think it has a look of something that isn't... Wasn't just seven quid. Rum and honey sounds like an 80s... Yeah, they were great. Didn't they get bottled up at the Reading Festival? Yeah, they did. They didn't want Calypso at the Reading Festival. Right, cheers, everyone.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Salute, salute. Slange. Chin, chin. Oh, God, that's... Oh, that's so sweet. Wow, that's a lot sweeter Than I thought it was going to be

Yeah that wasn't what I was expecting Why are you screwing your face up I think that's really nice That slips down nicely No it's nice It was I'm just I wasn't expecting

The very very sweet It's You know for me Paul That is Too sweet for you 100% puke water Just the worst Really

Yeah It's the taste It does need to be mixed It's good It tastes The flavour profile does need to be mixed with something. The flavour profile is there. You get a very strong sweetness at first and then you get the funk almost of that rum. It's like a woodiness to it, isn't it?

It's hot. It's hot all the way down. Yeah, I don't like that. You don't like it? It's like bile. It's that taste of rum. It's that taste of that... Rum? That deep, woody, molasses-y, black sugar. I like it. It's like bile to you. It's that taste of rum. It's that taste of... Rum? That deep, woody, molasses-y, black sugar. I like it. I like brown sugar.

I think this is perfection. I mean, I would like it perhaps a tiny bit less syrupy. Yeah, it's quite thick. I've never ever, ever, and I know that you can gauge this by looking at me, I've never tasted anything gone, oh, too sweet for me. No, same. I'll go, no, sweeten it up. Yeah. Ever. And I know that you can gauge this by looking at me. I've never tasted anything gone, oh, too sweet for me. No, same. I'll go, come on, sweeten it up.

Yeah. Delicious. Add more sugar, please. I like that, but with salt. Oh, yeah, I also like it with salt. That's true. I love salt. Same.

It's weird. It's very sweet, but it still has the kick of taking, like, a shot of whiskey. It still has that kind of... It really does to me. It doesn't burn, though. It burns you. But a nice burn. Oh, it gives me zero burn. I doesn't burn though. It burns you. It gives me zero burn. I don't mind that level of sweetness.

It's when the sweetness is coupled as it is there with the viscosity. Cuckold. Cuckold. It's when the sweetness is coupled with the viscosity, with the thickness. Anyone know what I'm saying?

It's like a cordial that needs to be watered down. The viscosity with the thickness. Does anyone know what I'm saying? Yeah, it is. I have to say, it's like a cordial that needs to be watered down. That's exactly what I think. That's why I think the ice is doing a great job. I think the ice really does work. You can mix it with lemonade. Cub soda.

It would go well with lemonade. I think that would go well with lemonade. Have you got lemonade? I'll have some more Red Bull and just try and forget this. Oh, a Red Bull in that would be quite nice. Get a little bit sweeter in that. Have you got Red Bull and just try and forget this. Oh, a Red Bull in that would be quite nice. Yeah. Get a little bit sweeter in that. Have you got Red Bull?

I'm genuine with that. Yeah, maybe you're right, but I think it might make it too sweet. Red Bull and rum. Is that me? It is now. I'm up for that. Thank you. Have a splash.

Oh, splash. Oh, yeah. Splash the cash. Splash the cash. Splash the cash on the gash. Oh, to me, That is dangerously drinkable Yeah I would have Another one

Quite happily I thought you were saying It was too sweet No no no I was saying It would benefit From being watered down A little bit

Or diluted a little No it doesn't work for me It's very drinkable It's very drinkable But I know what Eli means about The viscosity It's nice

Exquisite It doesn't work for me either Not horrible But doesn't work for me Why? Because the horrible, but it doesn't work for me. Why? Because the Red Bull Medicinals clashed with the medicinal sort of flavour of the rum? It's more that the rum pot loses a little bit of its flavour as a result, becomes a bit too Red Bull heavy.

Would you like a splash of Red Bull, Biffo? No, no, I'll have some more alcohol. Yeah, I'll have another one. Come on. It's Christmas, isn't it? It's Christmas. That's nice. I think that's actually nice.

I love it. Do you want a little bit more? Yeah's Christmas that's nice I think that's actually nice I love it do you want a little bit more yeah I'm okay I've still got I've still got oh there we are you don't have to

you don't have to Eli oh I don't like it I don't like it look at the colour of that that's what my piss is going to be in the morning excuse me or even in an hour

like old grey tea called a piss you eat too much salt Biffo that's why imagine if you you can never eat too much salt I use salt as an ingredient on it's own

he just eats it out of a trough rather than a seasoning my grandad used to do it though what out of a salt trough no no he used to build a pyramid of salt like a volcano of salt on the side of his plate

for like roast dinner dipping pyramid yeah it's very avant garde guess how he died hit by a bus high blood pressure a salt spreading trap on him over Yeah. It's very avant-garde. Guess how he died? Hit by a bus.

A salt-spreading truck ran him over. Ironic death. Well, listen, everyone. Dinner's nearly ready, so let me prepare it and bring it out and you can carry on drinking. I'll get the Christmas dinner out.

Ready? So bear with me. I'm just going to get the Christmas dinner out. Go down the hall. Go down the hall. I'm going into the kitchen. What kind of oven is in there?

Is it an auger? It's a huge thing. It's like what they burn corpses with. It's more like an auger. Right. Yes, it's a Halloween themed auger. Right, I'm cooking the Christmas dinner. I'll be back in a bit.

He's cucking the Christmas dinner. Colding the Christmas dinner. I've got chicken in my knob. I think that's where it was going. It wasn't. Christ. The latest, greatest, evermore spectacular Woolworth Christmas Show.

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Cinderella, the magical pantomime, with John Pickard, Tanisha Geronimo, Benji McNair and Gladiator's star, Cobra. Now on at the Sunderland Empire. Dinner's up, everyone. I've brought Christmas dinner. It smells horrible. It smells delightful. This smells great. It smells pretty fecal. Dinner's up everyone I brought Christmas dinner Smells horrible Smells delightful This smells great

It smells pretty fecal And today we're having a pot noodle Christmas dinner Which is gravy and stuffing flavour You've mispronounced that It's actually Mary Pot Noel Mary Pot Noel Oh Noel Mary Pot Noel Edmonds Christmas. Oh, Noel. Mary Pot Noel

Edmund's Christmas Dinner gradient stuffing flavour. Do you want to describe the packaging? So the packaging has got a sort of Father Christmas theme with a belt.

The pot has got a belt on it. And the beard, there is a hint of beard. Hint of beard? The tip of a beard. Which if you actually look at it closely, the beard is made up of noodles. Whatint of beard? The tip of a beard, which if you actually look at it closely, the beard is made up

of noodles. You've slaved over this, Paul. What's on top of the O? On top of the O in the pot is a turkey. Oh, yeah. What's grim?

What do you add to this? Is a turkey holding a fork? I mean, that's a bit grim, isn't it? It didn't have a sachet. Oh. No sachet. No sachet.

It says on it, Oh, come all ye flavours, rosemary, sage and peas, pot, new, well, Christmas as it should be. It smells like gravy. Yeah, it's very gravy. Chodney, bar of Chodney, oh, come let us have Chodney. Oh, come let us have Chodney.

Oh, come let us have Chodney. Oh, come let us have Chodney. Chodney, bar of... Anyway, eat yours, get into it. That bloody drink's gone right to my head. Drink it, eat it. It's hot! It's so hot.

Because I put hot water in it. What are you getting on the nose, Paul? I'm getting a very sagey. I'm getting stuff in it that's sagey. It's very sagey. He's got my fork. Now, what you want with sage is a bit of pork to offset it. Have a sniff-sniff first.

I'm getting strong whiffs of MSG. MSG is odourless. That's what you think. You can smell MSG. Iiffs of MSG. MSG is odourless. That's what you think. You can smell MSG. I can smell MSG. I can smell it and sense it. You can sense it? Are you sensitive to MSG?

No, no, sensitive in that I can sense its presence. But does it make you sick when you eat it? No. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no. Only like sick because I want more. I love it. That was a bit

borderline psychotic. Especially the way you waggled your fingers there. It is delicious though. Come on. It is the best. It's umami, isn't it? Yeah.

It's a good superhero power. It's umami. Oh. Umami. Oh. Anyway, get stuck into it. I'm getting such a sage. I've got a heavy sage.

I can smell Paxo. Look, this is what I hate about pot noodles. These noodles, after four minutes, remain kind of rigid and half-cooked. People love noodles. What if you leave it for longer? I've left it in for as long as it says on the patch. Not these noodles. It says three minutes.

But surely they're meant to be al dente. They're not at all meant to be al dente. I've left it in for as long as it says on the patch not these noodles but Eli surely they're meant to be al dente they're not at all meant to be al dente they're meant to be pliable you want a little bite to them

no you want some spring you want bite no you don't want bite you want spring you and your crispy pasta and noodles thing is just I freaking love it

no it's out of control we didn't want to set something off domestically let's get a fight going I think this is delicious. I like al dente when spaghetti is cooked al dente. But for a noodle, like an oriental, one of a better word,

a far eastern style. I've got things to say. Say them. What do you think of the potluck? I don't hate it. It's gravy and sage. That's basically what it tastes like. However, there's something going on there that reminds me of...

What's the place called? Hampton Court Palace. Okay. No, no, stay with me. No, I'm staying with you. Go on. Because I believe Hampton Court Palace when I went there. Or I might be thinking of another...

What? Big Maze. Big Maze, yeah. You feel like you're lost in the pot noodle. No, no, Ash. It's very salty. It's very salty. What, Hampton Court Palace?

No. This noodle is very salty. It's very salty. What, Hampton Court Palace? No. This noodle is very salty. Grandad would love it. It's almost like a eucalyptus taste. God rest his soul. It's almost like a eucalyptus taste. Is that what you mean? No, no.

There's an artificial smell that they pump into the kitchens in Hampton Court Palace that is obviously meant to evoke kind of roast dinners or a roasting goose or something like that. They pump in and this has got that going on. Do you reckon

if you just got a packet of noodles and cooked them in gravy? And Paxo. Would that work? Yeah. I don't think you'd get anything too much different. You'd have to have a thin gravy to start.

You'd have to have thin gravy. You'd have to really water it down. Yeah, thin gravy. You need a rolling boil to get the noodles cooked. And I don't think if it's really thick, it's just going to... I like it a lot. Are you enjoying it, Ash? Are you enjoying it, Ash?

Well, it's been said that I've got the palate of a moron. Because my favourite meal, my favourite breakfast, lunch and dinner are all beans on toast. Yeah. I love a bean on toast. A bean on toast. Just the one. Just the one bean. This is ideal. It's a Christmas miracle.

I think that this is... I think you've slaved over this. I spent many minutes in the kitchen over this. I can't work it out. I do like it. I feel like I'm going to eat it all. Can I say what I think? Yes Eli going to eat it all I'm on my set Can I say what I think Very salty

It has a sort of umaminess Sort of a pleasing saltiness Yes But then For me what ruins it Yeah It is quite morish But what ruins it

Is the overpowering Sort of artificial sage Flavour at the end It's that It's the hand-cooked You can't taste this I can't have it unfortunately It's not white

It's gluten free I've smelt it But she I've smelled I've smelled it but she has not dealt with it so what do you think that they've used an artificial sage like a sage

essential oil or something why use an artificial sage when it's just it's almost piney because it's that oily almost like an essential oil it's like a pine forest

there's no real sage it's like a toilet cleaner yeah why wouldn't there only be real sage in it then turmeric and pepper are the only two things in it.

What's made it so yellow? Sage is probably quite expensive. It's sage. It's got sage, parsley, rosemary and... They're splashing out on the real sage. I do know what you mean. It is an artificial kick at the end.

But I think it's a pot noodle. Apart from that, not bad, actually. Yeah. I would go. Better than it has any right to be. Yes. I would eat that. I'd put some hot sauce on it.

I would eat it. It's a good size. You've got any hot sauce, Eli, with your sauce? Have you got your sauces? Oh, let me see what the sauces. Hang on. What sauces have I got? Yeah, let's see if Eli's sauces.

Sauce time. Sauce time. No, don't you dare. Sauce time. Don't encourage him. What about if it... Look at him. Where's my sauce? I've never seen him so active when someone brings the sauce time. No, don't use it. Don't use it. Don't encourage him. What about if it... Look at him. Where's my sauce?

I've never seen him so active when someone brings the sauce up. He's like, oh, I'm in action mode. What about if it was Christmas morn and you woke up and you were on your own and then you were like, I'm going to have this as my Christmas dinner. And then start crying.

I think there's a chance you're crying. Yeah, I'm crying. I am definitely crying. I would have this instead of a Christmas dinner because Christmas dinner, I fucking start crying. I think there's a chance you're crying into this. Yeah, I'm crying. I am definitely crying. I would have this instead of a Christmas dinner because Christmas dinner, I fucking hate it. It's so stressful.

Totally agree. Isn't it just a normal Sunday roast with a bit of cranberry on it? No, with turkey. With ten times the pressure. Yeah, no, the pressure's there.

It's always like, you must put the turkey in 18 hours before the meal and sweat out the goblins. I had Christmas dinner with you once, Paul. Yeah, and you brought flu. And we were both deeply ill. And you brought the cheapest hunk of beef you could find at the butcher's.

And it was the wrong thing. Because I was broke. And then your oven broke down. I was broke. And then your oven broke down. Yeah. And you brought the flu. You literally turned up on the doorstep looking like

one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. That's one of the sickest I've ever been. When you said Paul brought one of the cheapest hunks of beef, I thought you were talking about me. You're a lovely dish.

No, Spanish. I had steak for Christmas dinner a few years ago. Oh, you loved it. I loved it. Are you going to do turkey this year, though? No, we've I had steak for Christmas dinner a few years ago. Oh, you loved it. I loved it. What have you got? Are you going to do turkey this year? No,

well, we've been invited to my daughter's. Oh, that's not the fucking old word. We don't have to do

Yeah, yeah. Do you know what they're doing for turkey? It'll be turkey and all that. We're getting a rooster.

My dad's getting a rooster. I hate my kids. Did you say a rooster? Yeah. Can you eat rooster? It's just a male chicken. Would it not be tougher or something? I don't know, but you're not allowed to do...

Capons are castrated male chickens, which the French eat loads of. Right. Because they're bigger, they get huge. Yeah. Like a eunuch chicken, basically. Oh, and it just, like, puffs up. Yeah, but they love them.

Capons on the continent. Where do you get these? And I think there's some legal reason you're not allowed to castrate a chicken in this country It's a woke country gone mad No I didn't say that I want a I want a castrate a chicken

Any day of the week I want So we're getting a rooster A tender Tender rooster Where's he getting a rooster from? You'd be tender If you'd been castrated He orders it

My dad orders it He's ordered a rooster But it's not Does it taste any different? Castrated It will probably taste similar To a capon Which is just a lovely You know Like a free range chicken taste But just there's more of it You know different? It will probably taste similar to a capon, which is just a lovely, you know,

like a free-range chicken taste, but just there's more of it, you know. It's just you don't want to eat the guilt. I'm not guilty about castrated chickens. But will this rooster have a cock then? Wait, hang on. Do chickens have testicles? They'll probably just cut it off along with the guts at the beginning.

But I thought you weren't allowed to castrate them. I'm not sure, but we can't get a cape on. You're going to break the law at Christmas because you're going to cut a rooster's cock off. We're having a satanic ritual where we both bite,

all of us bite a piece of the cock, cockerel's cock off while chanting om nom shave, om nom shave. From Temple of Doom. From Temple of Doom.

And then we become, we become the will of what is. And then we go, and then we open our presents. Hey, do you want to know something about Temple of Doom? Well then we become the will of what is. And then we go, and then we open our presents. Hey, do you want to know something about Temple of Doom? What? That's quite interesting relating to this cabin that we're in. I know someone that was in Temple of Doom that lives like about two minutes walk from here.

Really? Yeah. What role were they in? Was it filmed near here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out the road. Or Elstree. Or Elstree, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Elstree's about ten minutes from here. Yeah. From this cabin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Paul Elstree. Or Elstree, yeah. Elstree's about ten minutes from here. From this cabin. Paul, have some. Paul, you have to taste this. I can't believe you're trying to wheedle out of this. Taste the pot noodle and tell the noodle posse what you think of the fucking pot noodle.

It gets more chemically the closer you get to the bottom. I'm at the bottom now and it is tasting like something you put down the sink. No. Pure chemical. I don't like that. A sink unblocker. I'm going to drink the juice.

You're right. I'm going to eat it all because I'm starving. No, good. Have fun. I don't like that because, right, there's something weirdly like... Oh, pure chemical. ...medical in that flavour profile.

It's a medicinal herbiness. It's like sitting in the waiting room in a hospital outside the chemist's waiting for a prescription. It's like sitting in the waiting room in a hospital outside the chemists waiting for a prescription. It's that vibe. She's getting quite hard now. That last bit's unpleasant, but I'm still pushing on. It was more pleasant when it was warmer.

I kind of liked the upfront flavour of the turkeys. It's the back throat. It's the aftertaste. It's the deep throat. This is bad at the bottom. Ain't that the twoof? I want to make it absolutely clear I've finished it. I am going to finish it, but This is bad at the bottom. Ain't that the twoof? Ain't that the twoof? I want to make it absolutely clear I've finished it.

I am going to finish it, but I am struggling. The noodles that have been cooked in Christmas tears. I'll say that, yeah. Well, look, listen. I've got that all to myself. You enjoy the rest of these pot noodles, and then when we come back, we're going to dig into the more drinks and the presents and the crackers and everything to get the party going, all right?

So you finish your Christmas dinner. Do it now. Have you finished your Christmas dinner? I want to see the... That last bit was horrible. Have you had the last bit, Eli, the bottom?

The slurry. It's when the slurry gets more dense. Yeah. And there's just more flavour molecules per cubic centimetre on your tongue.

I enjoyed two thirds of that and the last third was bad. That was a struggle. Yeah. That was a real struggle. Like most Marvel films oh look it suddenly

became a film review podcast rough very good where the good times are happening we'll find people have a taste

for Old England British Sherry at its best This Christmas capture the spirit of Old England Old England The Great British Sherry The Great British Sherry. We are talking.

Four calling birds. Three best mates. Too good to miss. And fast forward. To a party with the page tees. Pop, we are talking sharp. Right, dinner's now been put away. I hope you enjoyed your hot meal. That's it, is it? Yeah. What about my sauces?

I haven't listed my sauces. Biffo's choking. Yes. No! You keep your fucking filthy, traitorous hands off my sauce pot. What have I got in here? Soy sauce. Oh no! Now look what's happened. The sauces have fallen. You're getting rowdy. Christmas.

This happens at Christmas when families go wrong. Christmas is ruined. Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry. If any one of us had done that, Paul, you would have been livid. Yeah, well, guess what? I did it, so therefore it's fine. And I don't care.

Oh, that was a dark moment. I've got soy sauce. I've got mangoes flavoured vegan mayonnaise. Boring, boring, boring sauces. You are a boring sauce merchant. Oh, he's not a good drunk. From the planet deery, dreary, plit-plop. It's always that uncle that comes to Christmas and is a...

That hates sauce. The uncle. The sauce-hating uncle. Yeah. McDonald's spicy chilli dip. Oh, yes. Now we're trying to get... We're trying to burst it on the floor.

Don't burst the fucking mayo on the floor. Imagine what that will look like. Pine sweet chilli. That's unusual. Interesting. Boo! I'm waiting for the horseradish. I don't like this side of Paul.

Wasabi, little wasabi sachet. Is it real wasabi or is it horseradish? It's coloured horseradish. Horseradish. Hey, give us wasabi. He's never had any. I've never had wasabi. Horseradish.

Give him some wasabi. Have you had wasabi? I've never had wasabi Horse rubbish Give him some wasabi Have you had wasabi? I've never had wasabi Have you ever had horse rubbish? Yeah I've had horse rubbish Although it's wasabi Yeah Don't worry about it then

Real wasabi is incredibly Sought after And hard to produce And rare So you never get real wasabi Unless you go to Is it like 40 pounds per piece? You have to go to

Like a proper Michelin star Look at you talking like you're an expert Because you've got Amazon Prime. Saw it on the Jeremy Clarkson farm show. £40 a piece. Well look, everyone.

Just a chunk of wasabi. Yeah. But that's the actual prime. The wasabi root, yeah. Wasabi's so good. It lives underwater. It's in streams. It's like Avatar,

the new Avatar film. Yeah, but with boring People of water, is it called? Is it called Water of the... People of the Water. People of the... People of Wasabi. Wet Lads.

Place of, place of... It's Avatar 2. Wet Lads. Wet Patch. The Wet Patch. Wet Patch Kids. The Wet Patch Lads. Wasabi Kids.

Standard Barbecue here as well, Paul. Standard Barbecue. If anyone wants any... I'm interested, Paul. It's Christmas. Eli, a minute ago, you did tell me you were going to make me a snowball. Yeah. It's cocktail time.

Eli's like the sauce Santa. He comes bearing saucy gifts. If anyone wants it like that, we could dip it. Got a big bulging sack that he's going to empty out. Cream and chive minis. We could use that to dip when we get on the crisps, Paul. That would be excellent. Yes. And it was at this moment that Eli realised

that crisps and dip would make Christmas for everybody. And yet he ignored the pain in his left arm and the murmuring of his heart as he poured another one out for himself. Well, I'm just talking about the future. You have completely dropped anything thematic we were going to do with this. Yeah, good. Yeah, you gave me all these things.

Voice messages. You sent me an email about a blokey blokey. Yeah, it is blokey, so get drinking. Although families love each other at Christmas. I'm getting fucking sick and tired of Spoffmas McJizzymat or whatever. It's these arguments that bring us together. I'm Spoffry Jistry. Spoffry Jistry. Spoffrey Jistry.

Right, who wants a snowball? Yay! Look, there he goes. What is a snowball, everyone? Look at him clomping about. What's a snowball, Paul? I don't know. I don't know.

Avocado lemonade. How do you do a kazoo? You blow, you hum. You have to make a noise. No, you're making the noise yourself. Is that a kazoo or a crack pipe? It's a kazoo. I've got a crack pipe.

Can you make a fucking snowball, please? Can I make a snowball? Can I make a snowball? What is the point of a kazoo? You have to make a noise yourself. I don't understand. I've got one you can have. I'll have one

i didn't know you didn't tell us you had many well you just snatched it out of my hand No ice, no ice, no ice. Just a glass of cherry. Oh, it's a cherry bottle. He lies a wanker and he's got no vision. Never have a girlfriend in this vision. He is so lonely, he is so drunk. He looks like a big fat ugly skunk. He stinks like shit and he doesn't wipe his arsehole. He doesn't know what to do with his penis. Does he get it out?

Does he wiggle it about? Does he make a spoff come out? No, he can't because it's sagging and damp. He's not had it hard since he went to summer camp. He shouldn't have been there anyway. He was 44 at the time. Ah, brilliant. Thank you. He was 44 at the time. Brilliant. Thank you.

Brilliant piece of improvisation, Paul. You know what? What? I think it was. I think it wasn't. I think he did really well. He did not. Go on, you go then.

You improvise lyrics to March of the Gladiators. Here we go. One, two, three, four. Oh, there's Paul. He looks like a arsehole. He's come round and he's gone up. Come round. See already.

He's off piste. He's come round and he's gone up the castle. Is he a wanker? Yes, he's a wanker. Look at his fucking tufty bollocks. Fair enough. I've got to give him tufty bollocks. I've got to give you tufty bollocks, mate.

Oh, look at Paul's tufty. No, I don't think I'm going to. Now, I'm going to give him tufty bollocks. I've got to give you tufty bollocks, mate. Oh, look at Paul's tufty... No, you're not... I don't think I'm going to... Now, I'm going to mix these. I need someone who's in some light who can see to read me the perfect recipe. Look at Paul's tufty bollocks. Just eyeball it.

Just eyeball it. I'll show you. I'll show you. Paul, you do it, because you've done it loads. What's the ratio? I just need to know the ratio. Like, about that much avocado

and then the rest lemonade. You want like half an inch of avocado in the bottom top. Can I give a slightly even later review of the pot noodle? It's now really unpleasant. I've got sage stuck in my teeth and it's really grim. One, two, three, four people drinking this. Oh, God. What is the orange drink you've got?

Is that avocado? This is avocado. This is an egg-based drink. Oh, God. What, egg yolk? Egg-based drink, yeah. That's why it's orange. It's the orange drink you've got. Is that Advocat? This is Advocat. This is an egg-based drink. Oh, God. What, egg yolk? Egg-based drink, yeah. That's why it's orange. It's custard drink.

Oh, I don't want it. Oh, Eli! What's wrong with you? It's so nice. It's the best Christmas drink. Why are you putting egg in a drink? To be fair, you can't put eggs in a drink. Egg whites and yolks are used in some cocktails.

Oh, no. That's a strong... Eli! That's too big. It's going to be a big one. That's a strong snowball. I don't know if this is going to work out well for anyone now, mate. That's a lot. That's like splashing your custard.

I love that Eli does it up to an unacceptable level and then just tops up some more. Oh, that's too much. I better put a bit more in. Yeah just a bit. I mean that is two inches as opposed to the half inch I... No just to the top.

To the top. And drop a glass of cherry. Cherry's the best bit. It's only with just like a glass full of cherry. Oh words. A glass full of cherry. Oh look at the pop on that.

Good pop. Lovely bit of pop on the old pop pop. We need a stirrer. Have we got the end of a fork? There's a spoon in the kitchen if you need it. There's a spoon in the kitchen, what am I going to do? Rat in me kitchen, have an apple. Get off the biscuits, get off the biscuits.

I like rich tea. I like rich tea. I like rich tea. I'm not sure any of that's all right. Is any of that all right? I'm doing UB40, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Red, red wine. Are you being racist?

No, only to UB40. Only racist you were being because they're Brummies? Yeah. All right, I'm on UB40. Would you like a song, please? Yes, I'd like a song. Red, red wine. Let's sing that one then. Well, I'd love a song. Red, red wine. It's sing that one then.

Well, I'd love her. What else did they do? What other songs did they do? That aren't covers. I can only think of the covers that they did. They did a duet as well, didn't they? I Can't Help Falling In Love With You, that one. I can't help falling in love with you. They did There's A Rat in Me Kitchen.

We've done that one, haven't we? Rat in me kitchen, what you gonna do? Don't put on me rich tea, I like them more than you. Oh, yeah, we did do that one. When I said Paul did well earlier, can I retrospectively... No, it's now recorded and I will edit this comment out. Are they stirred? Yes. Not shaken. Are they stirred? Yes.

Not shaken. Shaken, not stirred. That one's got two cherries. I'll have two cherry ones. Oh, look at this. So we're making out the car. The cherry has turned

my lemonade to already. Is it meant to have a froth on it like this? Yeah. Because it looks like pond scum. Yeah, snow, brown.

I wouldn't call this a snowball though because it's not white unless it's yellow snow we're eating. It's a snow pint. Snow eating. It's a snow pint. Snow pint. It's a snow that a dog has peed on.

Apologies for any mic sound rustling you can hear. We're living it live and real. It's quite nice, isn't it? It is nice. I'm going to give it a go. I've never had this before. Yes, you have. We had it last year, didn't we?

I didn't drink it because I was on medication. You've got a milk tash. You've got a snowball tash. You've got a snowball tash. It's like someone stuffed a snowball in your mouth made a spunk. Yellow spunk. He's been eating a lot of sand, so he's got yellow spunk. Bellamy Custard spunked in my mouth.

That's his name, Bellamy Custard. Do you want to meet him? No. Yeah, I do. Hello, Bellamy Custard. And I want to spunk in your mouth. Where's he from? Where's he from?

Let me think. Sounds like he's from the Far East. Essex. Yeah. I'll accept a spunk in people's mouths. That's what I do. Would you like one, sir? He's changed.

He's come back home. It sounds like he's, and he does it with consent. I can't do that. Is that right? Yeah. I only do it, it's half a point.

Like, you know what? Scrap this bit. Scrap it, everyone. I'm just drinking. And it was at this time that the character from the future died at Paul's hand.

I don't know if I like this. Yes, you do. What's wrong with it, Paul? You've never had one of those. It's like creamy fuzz. It's got quite a nice aftertaste, which has sort of got a little kick to it.

It's the opposite of that pot noodle. I don't know if I... It's not horrible. It's not a horrible drink. I just don't know if I like it all that much. I like my rum and it. It's the opposite of that pot noodle. I don't know if I... It's not horrible. It's not a horrible drink. I just don't know if I like it all that much. I like my rum and honey. It's almost like an almond.

I like my rum and honey. It's vanilla-y. It's got a kind of cakiness to it. It's kind of like custard mixed with lemonade. Yeah, that's what I'm having trouble with. I'm fighting that. I'm fighting the custard. The egginess.

Lovely. Lemonade. What's the flavour profile of that? There was quite a lemony edge to it and then I ate the cherry. You could do a snowball. What do they do in America?

Is lemonade, is cloudy lemonade? Yeah, they don't have fizzy lemonade. I have my own cloudy lemonade. What? Yeah, that's what I was

going to ask. Is it? Yeah. This is better. So do they have This is better than with cloudy, you think? Yeah, 7-Up.

What? Yeah. Yeah. What? That's lemonade, isn't it? Yeah, they use 7-Up. They don't call it lemonade there, though, do they? Or sweet and sour.

It's lemon soda. Lemonade. Lemonade is that powder soda. It's lemon soda. In your face, then, you were like, how come that one's not? Is that ash? It's powdered.

It's that. Is that powder still drink that you go, when you drink it, because it's a little bit tart. Little bit tart. I don't like tart. Right, I've got crisps. Shall I get the crisps out?

Well, yes, please, Paul. Because I've got three packets of Christmas crisps. Well, I've got some other crisps that I bought as well. It's more important that we talk about mine first. Oh, you wanker. I did bring snacks, but, I mean, we'll come to them at some stage, will we? We've got a lot to get through. So these are my sea brooks.

You're sitting on your kazoo. I'm not completely upset with that. Oh, sorry, I just broke wind. I'm not completely upset with that. Oh, sorry. I just broke wind. Have you actually farted? No. How dare you? I haven't.

I haven't. I will literally punch you in your buttock. I haven't farted. In recent weeks, you've been farting quite a bit. You're out of the podcast. Quite on air fart. I noticed that. But not this week.

You're so accepting of it, I find. No, because he does it all the time and I cut it out. I refuse to accept this. I refuse to accept this. I farted and I trusted you as my co-producer of artistic content not to shame me by recording the fart. I'm just farting in the room.

I'm not allowed to fart in my own home. Not when it's two inches away from me. No. I thought we were close enough that I could fart around you. No, not that close. And it's worse inches away from me. No. I thought we were close enough that I could fart around you. No, not that close. And it's worse enough when I go home,

my partner breaks wind in the self-same manner. That's not my fucking fault. It's a wall of fucking arse gas that I have to live with. What is it about me that encourages wind? Is your partner

Eli's arse twin? I honestly wonder if sometimes he runs out of here, puts on a blonde wig and then goes, hello darling. That's disturbing.

Stop that now. Stop. I'd want to see what they do. And I'd fuck her harder if I knew it was you. How about that? Please. Right, Seabrooks.

Come on. There were three packets of crispy. Yeah, we got to the gold there. We got to the gold. And Bessie's. Roast potato and black pepper. Wow. Roast turkey and stuffing.

Wow. Are these Christmas themes? Yeah. Bessie's. Are they? There's no Christmas decoration on them. And roast beefast turkey and stuffing. Are these Christmas themes? Yeah. There's no Christmas decoration on these. Roast beef and Yorkshire pud. None of them have a belt around them. I think you've got to use a little bit of artistic license.

There's no Santa hat. There's no belt. There's no beard. Even our best. You have beef and pudding and potatoes and turkey. It's a Christmas roast Even our best. You have beef and pudding and potatoes and turkey. It's a Christmas roast dinner. This could be any time of year. It could be any time of year, Paul.

Come on, guys. Burnham Matthews wasn't just a Christmas roast dinner. These are Sunday roasts. You can't have any, then. Yes, I can. You can't. If it's such a problem, you can't have any. I'm just saying.

You claim they were Christmas things. What is Christmas but the king of roasts? It's all queen. Yeah, the royalty of roasts. Ash has a point. There is a loose association between a roast dinner and Christmas. These are roast dinner themed Christmas. Exactly.

And our message is all year round. And it's called just letting us all down. Is it Christmas Day? Letting us all down and betraying our trust by recording us weeing and recording farts. I don't want to keep being on Paul's side but I'm on Paul's side again. I don't want to be any more than you do. Look, my point is

these are not Christmas themed. You get a packet of Pringles. They were built out for the Christmas season. They're limited edition for the Christmas season. What date is this? It says here on the back, limited for the Christmas season. These Aunt Bessie style crisps will delight and amaze you.

Are you boys liars? Does anyone have a pen you can just draw like a Santa on there? That's literally it. It's different on my bag. The traditional flavours of a roast dinner, not a Christmas dinner. It's different on my bag. It's different on my bag.

I can concur with Biffo here. Paul is a liar and he's failed to find a Christmas themed crisp. They have crafted these brilliant range of crisps just for you. What day is this? Is this Christmas day? What year is this? Did you bring anything today out of interest? Yes I did. Your sauces, didn't you? Yeah, I wasn't meant to get Christmas themed sauces

because you didn't get anything at all Christmas themed at all ever did you these were I can't believe you've been so how about you shut up

about what I did and didn't bring and just accept that what I brought is better than what you brought which is nothing that's not true it is true

I've listen you brought things for you that's for you it's not for me but would anyone like some this is crabby strawberry and lime alcoholic ginger beer. Is that Christmassy?

Yes. Where's the Christmas on that? Sorry, Eli, I said you'd do something. Doesn't say Christmas on there, does it? Doesn't say Christmas on there, does it? No. Anyway. I think we can fix this.

We just need a pen. Let's draw some Christmas decorations on the packet. And they will be Christmas themed crisps. Yeah, we'll do that. We'll write a Christmas theme. I'm more than happy for a roast. Do you want an open one? That's how it works. Which one do you want? Are these vegan? I'm curious about roast potato flavour. Yeah, what's potato flavour?

Crisp flavoured potatoes or potato flavoured crisps? I've got roast turkey and stuffing. What have you got, Eli? You've got roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. I wonder how the Yorkshire pudding flavour will come across. There's a lot of

bad smell around Christmas dinner, it turns out. Oh, the roast potato. There's a lot of bad smell after Christmas dinner. Oh yeah, it's a whole theme of Christmas. Roast beef ain't too bad. These do not have a good odour. Oh, Paul.

These just taste of potato crisps. They don't taste of anything. The roast beef ones are quite nice. It doesn't really even taste of turkey. How can you fuck up roast potato crisps? Because they are roast potatoes. There we go. You can have that.

These, okay, no. Oh, they're horrible. They're roast potatoes, but they're burnt roast potatoes. The next, eaten the next day. Oh, I have that. These, okay, no. Oh, they're horrible. They're roast potatoes, but they're burnt roast potatoes. Aren't crisps eaten the next day? What? Oh, I like that. I told you. Are they weird?

Aren't crisps roasted potatoes? It's like eating potpourri. Why are they so fragrant? Why won't anyone tell me why they're not just, aren't all crisps roasted potatoes? Yeah, yeah. Rosemary. No, well, it turns out they're not, Ash. Some of them taste like potpourri.

It's horrible. Eat it. It's like it smells. Eat it, though. They're the worst crisps I've ever... Paul, you said you didn't like them. Maybe you've just taken a handful.

It's a different flavour. Isn't that weird, that flavour? What is that meant to be? Rosemary. Yeah, but there's also something else going on there. Black pepper. The reason I can't have

the beef ones is milk. No, it's like a skunkiness or something. The reason I can't have the beef ones is milk. No, it's like a skunkiness or something. The reason I can't have the beef ones is the milk. You know what I mean? It's the skunk thing going on. That's what makes them not vegan. They put milk in them.

Here's the beef ones. Really, those are a proper fail, those roast potato ones. The roast potato ones are worse than a fail. They're like below. I'm sure they've tried to go for like... Oh, these are vegan. I'm not sure about the turkey ones because I can't get the taste of them. The roast turkey are nice.

The beef are quite nice. The beef are quite nice and salty. The beef ones are nice. I like them. And you can taste a bit of the Yorkshire pud. The roast turkey are okay. The beef are nice and salty, don't you think? Are you still on the roast turkey?

They're all right, though. You guys are mad. These are delicious. Really? Really. You like the potato ones? You like that rosemary tang? Yeah, I do.

You actually like them? That is actually delicious to me. Well, he's having a completely different party in the corner over there. Is this kind of like, you know, that thing where some people see the dress as blue and black and some see it as gold and white? I guess that is the same. Wow. At Greens at Debenhams, you'll the exciting atari games for all the family like star raiders pac-man and the fabulous e-team

so get the atari console for 89.95 and the cartridges from 14.95 and have christmas pictures developed by kodak saving 20 at greens atils. Well, what do you think about those ones, Eli, the beef and the other ones and the other ones? I think the least offensive and most sort of boring were the roast turkey, weren't they? And then we've got the roast potato flavour, where they've gone for that rosemary, because rosemary is often added to roast potatoes, isn't it?

They've gone for... But it doesn't work there. It tastes burnt. Yeah, and for me, it doesn't work there. It tastes burnt. Can I look at it? Yeah, it tastes, and for me, it has a sort of almost chemical pininess. Weirdly,

which is what that pot noodle had as well. Yeah. But a different herb, but still a sort of artificial herb flavour. Toilet cleaner flavour. Yes.

They're all quite subtle flavours. The beef are great. These are vegan. These are vegan. They're not overwhelming apart from the filthy. That is quite chemical. But I prefer my favourite because of the saltiness.

The beef actually has a bit more complexity to its flavour. Whereas the, what was the middle one? Turkey. The turkey was very bland. Just bland. Bland. Not a lot going on there. Not a lot.

Not a lot. The roast potato ones were actually offensive. Offensive to the palate. The turkey were... The beef were amazing. I've not had turkey for 35, 40 years or whatever. Okay. Just chuck a couple of these crisps on the plate.

Does that taste like turkey? No. No. It tastes more like chicken soup, like a chicken stock. Yeah, yeah, that's what I would say. Yeah, or roast chicken crisps. I kind of like the roast potato ones. They're not good.

There's something about them which I kind of like going back to. I want to try another one because I can't believe how awful they were. I don't want to see if they grow on me. They grow on me. But it does smell like dried out herb shells. Do you know why I like the beef ones, I've decided? They've got something of the Branigans about them. Oh, yeah.

There's that intense saltiness that was the Branigans. They're gone forever, aren't they? They're really salty. You're giving me the potato ones again. I can't even mind them. Now, second go around. Now that you've had a few ones in your mouth. There's still two fragrancy herb things going on.

They're Christmas tree flavoured crisps. I would never pick those. I mean, I could eat them. I would never, ever. What are you going back for, the turkey or the beet now? I'll try turkey again because I want to see if that is... The roast potato ones taste like a Christmas tree. I like them.

That's what it is. They're pininess. I like them. Right, we've got Morrison's the best turkey and stuffing flavour. So that's comparable to the other one. Jalapeno dirty fries flavour. Eli's perked up. Chinese takeaway style salt and pepper ridge cut.

It's a massive thing in Chinese food in Britain over the last few years. The salt and pepper phenomenon. I love it. So is this Christmas themed? Because people have Chinese on Christmas Eve. This isn't Christmas themed at all. Just to be clear, zero for two for buying Christmas themed Christmas.

Do you want mine? Am I leaving mine in the bag? Or do you want me to... This smells like someone just farted in my nose. Don't introduce too many crisps at once. Yeah, I know. I know the rules. It's got a deep fart to it, that one. What's your favourite kind of salt and pepper dish, then?

Deep fart. I love squid. Isn't that from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Deep fart. Deep fart. Deep fart seven. Forty poo is the answer to everything. Forty poo?

Yeah. In my scat-based remake of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I mean, I'd watch it. Arthur. Oh, spicy though. Poo. Ford poo fact. Arterd.

Arterd. Arterd, yeah. Arterd dent. Arterd dent. Say for Doriabrox. What's this one? Salt and pepper. The Chinese takeaway ones are amazing.

Really? They're actually amazing. They are literally Chinese takeaway in a crisp. Now, the huff on these dirty fry halibut... What is a dirty fry? It fries with shit on the top. Yeah, with cheese or something on, usually. That's a loaded fry.

A dirty fry is something else. It varies from place to place. Is it like mince? I don't know. Like mincemeat from a pie. It's a very soily huff off the jalapeno. Ooh! Do you know what I mean? Yeah, like a greenhouse. Yeah.

Very earthy. Sniff it, it's like going into Grandpa's greenhouse. Oh yeah, what's that about? That's really earthy. It's really earthy, soily. Yeah. Paul, which ones did you say smelled like deep fart? Oh, that one. No, that one. Oh, the soily ones.

That one. The turkey ones. Oh, yeah, that one. I'm going to try these now. I really like the packaging. I'm enjoying the packaging. I knew he'd like them. So these are Morrison's the best.

And this, I mean, I did a whole show called it. Hand cooked in what way? Someone bought it hand. Yeah. No one used their hand to any part of this. They take their potato in their hand and plunge it into oil. This was like a row of screaming people on a conveyor belt. Those salt and pepper.

Amazing, aren't they? And yet I had them the other week and I thought, I know who'd like these. The Chinese takeaway are special. They're really nice, aren't they? yeah I had them The other week And I thought I know who'd like these The Chinese takeaway Are special They're really nice aren't they They're next level They've got like a

Sort of sweetness At the back A sort of sweet note Yeah which is what you want For your summer You know what I mean Like dishes Yes

Yeah it's got that Which is the Chinese Which gives it a kind of complexity And it's got the sort of The peppery Hot heat at the At the top It's got five spice

Don't they That's a slight It's got yes it's a slight five spice. These have got actual turkey powder in them

like that's a thing. Oh yeah turkey powder. We took a turkey and we turned it into powder. How would you turn a turkey into powder? How would you do it?

You'd have to dry it out first. So like put it in a room without a glass of water for a bit. Or put a live turkey in a dehumidifier. Or then let it just turn to dust. What about this?

You could freeze it. What about freezing it a lot and then dropping it off a helicopter? And then it'll powderise. It'll pulverise itself under its own weight. Get a big turkey. Get a big turkey, put it in a giant pestle and mortar. No, because then you just get a bloody, goopy mass. How are you treating?

Oh, you dry it out. You're not adding anything. I put it in some dry ice. Of course you'd use something to powderise it, Paul. I'm sorry to keep attacking you, but... I'm powdering it by the metal and porcel. What's it called? Metal and porcel? It'd be the mortar

and pestle, Paul. Oh, yeah! That's the ball we all know and love. I'm sorry, did I roll the dice ten times and get heads ten? Oh yeah That's the ball we all know and love I'm sorry did I roll the dice ten times And get feds ten five times Thanks Ash It wasn't my fault you said roll the dice Let's have the salt and pepper

The jalapeno ones are nice I'm giving those an eight and a half out of ten Those salt and pepper tourney I'm giving the salt and pepper tourney ten out of ten They're very, very good. Are they spicy or am I? They're hot and spicy. Yeah, very hot and spicy.

You're not imagining it. They are very good. They are very good. They are exquisite. That's one of the best sort of crisp flavours I've come across in a long time.

So unique, right? Because it's new. That's so hot and crunchy. Very good. What about these turkey and stuffing? Oh, it's advocard out. I can't drink any more of that snowball.

You've gone very pale. I'm fighting it. Do we like this turkey and stuffing? I'm going to move on to the cocktail. Is it because it's got fish in it? Has it got fish in it? Has Adam Carr got fish in it? Yes.

A fish custard drink. Yellow fish. Oh, the dirtiest of fish, the yellow fish. Clown fish. It's made with fish eggs. The brown clown fish. Not bleep. Clownfish. It's made with fish eggs. The brown clownfish. Not Bleepoo, that was Clownfish. Has anyone tried the jalapeno dirty fries?

Yeah, they're nice. Yeah, they're nice. I like that. They're actually nice. No, this is a stuffing. These stuffing are pretty boring, aren't they? Yeah. It was very farty, that one.

I like the jalapeno dirty fries one the most. Can you hand me the jalapeno dirty fries one, please? What was that? No, no, no. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one.

The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one.

The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one.

The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one.

The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries one. The Jalapeno Dirty Fries On the crisp, potato crisp, maybe. I just realised a snowball with a cherry in the bottom is like a screwball. You know, when you get the ball of gum. They've got two chilies. If you're looking for... You get a great big gollum from man. They've got two chilies on the spice. Oh, are you trying those out? Cool.

They're my favourite, I think, the jalapenos. Really? You like them better than the Chinese ones? Oh, my God. Have some more Snowball. Can't drink any more Snowball. The jalapenos. Yeah. Okay, so these have one chilli on the spice meter.

They actually, they tasted slightly spicier than the jalapenos. This for me is incredibly spicy. I've got very low spice tolerance. Have you? Are you one of those? I like it. One of them. I'm one of them, yeah. What other? Are you one of those? I like it. One of them. I'm one of them, yeah.

What other question we got then? Just some boring cheese balls. Ash, get your snacks. Ash has brought some unusual snacks. Let's get them out. The snacks themselves. It's your time to shine. The snacks themselves aren't that unusual.

Okay. It's the branding of them. I cannot get my head around. So it's like Saddam Hus. I cannot get my head around. So it's like Saddam Hussein's hot spicy fries or something. You aren't a million miles away. Pol Pot's cheese balls. Pol Pot's pot of cheese.

I'm going to pass them to Eli. Eli, you can do the reveal. Pol Pot's cheese balls. I know you're missing a Pol Pot noodle. Pol Pot pot. Not the guy from Britain Pol Pot noodle. Oh. Pol Pot pot. Pol Pot. Not Pol Pot. Not the guy from Britain's Got Talent. Yeah.

Pol Pot's Pol Pot noodles. Poodle noodle. Right. I want another drink of something. Have something. There's tins in this bottle. Have the pink thing. You want some more things?

I want to try the pink thing. We've had these before the podcast, so just have them. No, we'll try the pink thing. Pink gin. I'll tell you what we bought very quickly. Pink thing. Now, Ash, I don't want to... I've got cheap cocktails, so I've got...

Oh, I know what these are. ...a strawberry daiquiri. Ooh. Passion fruit martini. I'll have a passion fruit martini, please. Piffo. Pink gin and tonic. Yes, wife.

I'll have a passion... I'm going to save myself for that pink liqueur. Spoiler warning on the passion fruit martini. Nile poix. That is disgusting. It tastes of sort of raisins. There's no passion fruit. Yeah.

Are you having a passion fruit one? I'm having rhubarb gin and ginger ale. That does not taste of passion fruit at all. Ash, get your snacks out. Okay, this smells the same as the jalapeno. and ginger ale. That does not taste of passion fruit at all. Ash, get your snacks out. I've passed them through. Okay, this smells the same as the jalapeno. Are you sure that's not

just because you put your mouth on it? No, it does actually. Are you having the rhubarb gin? Yeah, I'm having the same. It's got the same garden scent and smell. Because I really like

that ginger ale and booze mix. Now, everyone ready for the next course? Yes, what have we got? This is from Ash, right? Ash, extremely good mix. Now, everyone ready for the next course? Yes. What have we got? This is from Ash, right? Ash, extremely good effort. Oh, no.

And I know you've done us proud here, and these are delicious, but they have unfortunately been covered on Cheap Show before. He's a handicap. He's a handicap. He's got handicap hot fries. We haven't covered them on Cheap Show. We so fucking have. We fucking haven't. We fucking haven't. It's got handicap hot fries. We haven't covered them on Cheap Show. We so fucking have.

We fucking haven't. We fucking haven't. It's one of my bits which you ignore, but it was... We have definitely... I'm sure you must have. We haven't. Yes, we have.

Luckily, I can now refer to a database of snacks. Well, look then. Have a look in the fucking database. I'm not doing that now. It's a party. Up yours. You're just such a contrarian. No, I'm not.

What can you explain to me about these? I've always found this weird. It's so weird. It is weird. Andy Capps are a brand of hot fries. Andy Capp. He's like a northern... Andy Capp, the cartoon character.

The wife abusing. But... Naughty... What was he? Yorkie man. Yorkie man. They have him in Australian newspapers, or they did when I was growing up.

See, Sanya's put a finger on why they're big in the States as well. How dare... Dirty Sanya, how dare you? Andy Cat was famously syndicated for decades and decades in America as well. Did you know... Do you remember the comic Buster?

Yeah. You remember that? You know, Buster buster the character was originally billed as handicapped son oh i did know that he's slapping kids around in the playground did you remember the sitcom the sitcom of handicap who was in it so who was the guy from uh the likely lads uh the fair ahead orired guy. Bules or Bowles? Bowles, I think. Peter Bowles? Rodney Buse?

Oh, maybe. Which was the one who was like blonder haired? Not the dark haired guy, but the other one in Likely Lads. Was it Rodney Buse? I've got a story about Rodney Buse. Anyway, he was in... One of those two Likely Lads was in the sitcom of Andy Cap in the early 90s. Is that it?

Is that the end of that story? Yeah. Good. Rodney Buse. Rodney Buse, Rodney Buse. When we were smoking a marijuana cigarette at school, and you wanted twos on that, which means, you know, number two.

He's stuck it up your arse. No. You're going second on the marijuana cigarette. Yeah. You'd say, give us Rodneys, meaning Rodney Buse twos, rhyming slang. Give us Rodneys on that. Why do you use that for doing a poo as well? Yeah. Give us Rodneys. I'm, give us Rodney's. Meaning Rodney Buse 2's, rhyming slang. Give us Rodney's on that. You could use that for doing a poo as well.

Yeah. Give us Rodney's. I'm dying for a Rodney. Brilliant. No. It's not that good. Now, hot fries are a generic. Cheetos are hot fries.

Yes. Did you know that? Yes. But hot fries are, if you're going to be technically specific about what a hot fry is, it's a red-hot flavoured, what we would call, chip stick. Right. That is what they are. They're fries.

Can we try these then? Because they are spicy. And this is in schools in Florida and other parts of the United States. These are almost used as contraband currency. Talked about this before. Yes, when we did Andy Cutsed about this before. Now you remember. Yeah, but not those. Yes, we did, and we did Chester's.

Interestingly, Chester is the name of the cheater on Cheetos. But then there was another total brand called Chester's, which isn't anything to do with Cheetos. We've covered on the podcast already. People like this sort of stuff, though, Paul.

Do they? They like being reiterated upon. Let's have another fucking thing about how I shit myself or something. All right, then. Eli. Shits himself. Eli.

Yes, Paul. You know what you do, Eli? What do I... Oh, this Mary Whitehouse experience, is it? No. Happy? Who wants to taste these now? Happy?

You know what we might not have done? Happy. I'm happy. No, you're not. You're perpetually not a happy person. Yeah? I wish you were. Happy?

Handicapped? BBQ fries? Happy. Happy? Happy. Happy. Are you, though? Shut up.

Happy. I'm not happy. I'm never drunk again after this day. Are you asking if I'm actually happy? Yeah. No. Most days days no. That's what I wanted.

That's what I wanted. There was meant to be some sort of narrative to this. You went on about it to me for the last two weeks. Do you know what I mean? You anger me with this shit. You have half a fucking snowball. I can't do a narrative. You literally have half a snowball.

I've got this to deal with. You said there was going to be an elf on the shelf. There's a stripper coming. There's an elf on the shelf thing. Maybe the elf's the stripper. There's a blokey stuff. Yeah, there's one there. Look, there be an elf on the shelf. There's an elf on the shelf thing. Maybe the elf's the stripper. There's a blokey stuff. Yeah, there's one there. Look, there's an elf on the shelf.

You haven't made a reference to the pine cabin in about 20 minutes. Oh, it's nice in here. Now, come on, let's get on to that. Paul, you've got very low alcohol tolerance. I don't know, Paul. He was going to abuse us occasionally. I can still do that. Not sexually.

No. I'm the elf on the shelf. And you look like sausages. Paul, put your trousers back on. No. It won't. What else can you have? What rhymes?

What are the things that rhyme? With elf. No, not with elf. You know, there's that whole thing. I'm like, you've seen elf on the shelf. Now me. Pigeon on the kitchen. That worked.

Nailed it. 100%. Nailed that one. Elf on the shelf Dido on a Lido there you go that's a good one what's a Lido?

Eminem on an Eminem isn't it like a fake beach? yeah that's what I thought as well that's a Lilo Fido at Lilo look at

kit on the tit yeah the car kit on the a car on the tit. Yeah, the car kit. A car on the lady's breast. There must be someone who's got a tattoo of Kit on the tit. Kit on the tit. There must be. Cheese curd on Geoffrey Heard. Who's Geoffrey Heard?

Spoffery. Now we're all thinking of him. You've heard of Elf on the Shelf. Now me. Whitman on Hell or Shipman. I don't know. Whitman on Shipman? Whitman on Shipman. Do you think Shipman had a tattoo of Whitman on Howell Shipman. I don't know. Whitman on Shipman?

Whitman on Shipman. Do you think Shipman had a tattoo of Whitman? He should have. Whitman had a

tattoo of Shipman. Oh did he? That's bad taste. That was also very prescient. Now Paul.

Yeah. We may have not covered You've heard of Elf on the Shelf. What about Gary Glitter

on the Shitter staring at you through a keyhole. Or bumhole. Through the bumhole. Through the bumhole which is the show. What about Gary Glitter on the shitter staring at you through a keyhole? Or bumhole. Through the bumhole. Through the bumhole. Which is the show

that ITV tried to pitch. That is in Billy the Fish. It is. Through the bumhole. Through the bumhole. Tony Slattery. It was Tony Slattery's bumhole. Is he dead now,

Tony Slattery? No, he had a bit of a thing, didn't he, last year? Bit of a comeback. Kind of a comeback. Because he's had a bad time. Yeah. Okay. There's had a bad time. Yeah. Okay.

There's nothing funny about it. I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing. You've heard of Elf on a Shelf. What about Tony Slattery on a pattery? I don't know what a pattery is. Sounds good, Dan. Shattery would have worked.

Yeah, in a battery farm. Now, we've definitely tried anti-cat things. Tony Slattery on having a shattery. Have you tried anti-cat? Tony Slattery in a cattery. Ooh, is he stroking a lot? He's stroking a lot of cots.

Cots? You could have said pussy. You could have literally said pussy. He's stroking a lot of cots. He's stroking a lot of cots. Stroking a lot of cots. Oh, my word. I'm going to say the word pussy again, but you could have said it. You could have said fingering pussy.

You could have. I said strocking cocks instead. I'd rather see slattery fingering pussy. That doesn't rhyme. That does not rhyme. That doesn't rhyme at all. It doesn't go with the flow of Elf on the Shelf. Elf on the Shelf is Tony Slattery, fingers deep, pounding pussy with his hands.

All right. Slattery fingers are cattery. There you go. Yeah. Can we eat these fucking crisps now, Paul? Yeah, cap it up. fingers deep pounding pussy with his hand alright that's right that's why he fingers a catering there you go can we eat these fucking crisps now Paul Esther Ranson oh that's a hard one

that one I like that you go you start before you've thought it through you heard of Elf on the Shelf it's Esther Ranson holding a party

in a mansion wait oh you've heard of Elf on the Shelf it's Esther Ranson on Let's Go Dancing that's not a thing not a show not's Esther Ranson on Let's Go Dancing. That's not a thing. Not a show.

Not a show. No show called Let's Go Dancing. Let's Go Dancing was an ITV show. Strictly Let's Go Dancing. She's dead as well, Ranson, isn't she? No, Ranson's not dead. I saw her in the news last week. She's awful.

Not dead. Esther Ranson today, not dead. And another news. Here is the news. Hashtag not dead. Esther Ranson's not dead. You probably don news. Here is the news. Hashtag not dead. Esther Anson's not dead. You probably don't know who Esther Anson is. I have no idea.

She had big teeth. That was her thing. And she would show people vegetables. She was an awful journalist. Yeah, vegetables that looked rude. And she founded Child Life. Oh, she was okay. Guys, who's interested in Andy Capp's barbecue stuff?

I am. Yes. Now, these... Oh, you've heard of Elf on a Shelf. Now let's have some Capps in my laps. In our laps. In our laps. Collectively in our laps.

You've heard of Elf on a Shelf. Now let's all have a good fat with these packets of Andy Capps. Yeah, that's the one. I am the only person who's sober in the room. Are these vegan? Oh, I don't know. I haven't looked, actually. I doubt it.

You brought crisps but you didn't even know I bought dessert that's vegan. I'm getting BBQ fries. I'm popping the BBQ. I've got the hot fries. I just can't believe

Andy Katz is still a going concern. But is he in this country? What paper would he be in? No, I don't think so. Surely not. He's one of those things like peanuts or... Is Andy Katz being cancelled? Yeah, I thought he'd have country? What paper would he be in? No, I don't think so. Surely not. He's one of those things like peanuts or...

Has Andy Cat been cancelled? Yeah, I thought he'd have been cancelled for being a wife beater. Yeah, I think he's out of favour, definitely. But they still create crisps in his honour. I do remember how he got...

Not a fan of them. The hot fries, why? There's nothing to them. They're spicy, aren't they? No. They're cheesy, aren't they? They go against Cheap Show, yeah. They were £2 a bag. Wow. They must be from America or something, right? Because they're quite aren't they as well they go against cheap show yeah they were two pound a bag

wow they must be from america or something right because they're quite plain those i tell you don't you think they're quite plain though yeah but i like there's just enough the textures enough there yeah okay let me tell you this is weird thing that happened where i live right there is um say 10 one-way streets and they're intersected by a road. And each corner has a corner shop on it. Like, there's no way that a corner shop can be sustained in the area. Every corner has one. But, and if it isn't a corner shop,

it will be a dry cleaner's. And then the other day, one of the dry cleaners had a neon sign in the window that said, off-license. It was still a dry cleaner's, it said off-license. And I drove past past and then the next day i went by and there was these giant bags of rice in the window still a dry cleaners still

saying off license and then i said to my wife the other day i knew i had to come and get something for the show and i was like right i'm gonna go into all the local off licenses and have a little look at some of the snacks i'm gonna try that dry cleaners one. And I open the door and it's now there's no dry cleaning. And, but it was not dirty, but just like all the wood

that was sort of blown and it all just been, everything had been painted over. What do you mean the wood had been blown? You know, like where it all blown up,

like what it got damp in it. Swollen or water. And it's all swollen. In relation to wood, only glass. You do blow glass as well. Yeah, you don't blow wood. I can't believe that's not true.

It had swollen. It had swollen. It had blown up. But then, so I went in there, and the guy come out the back looking all confused that I'd walked into the shop, and everything in there was hugely expensive. Like a bar of chocolate.

That's a front for something. It's definitely a front for something. It's definitely a front for something. It's got to be there. Oh, wait, cash laundry. Money laundry. Went from a dry cleaners to a money launderer. Exactly. Or you could probably buy drugs there.

I should have brought drugs in. You should have. You probably could have gone around the back. No one's buying anything in there. It's so expensive. But then I saw these. Yeah, that's a drugs place if you ask me. You look really confused by me going in there to buy them. You like them? They're so expensive. But then I saw these. Yeah, that's a drugs place if you ask me. You look really confused by me going in there

to buy them. You like them? They're so good. Tony likes the barbecue fries. I don't like the barbecue ones as much as these. I mean, they're amazing as well. I prefer the hot fries.

Those hot fries are saltier. I think they're both fine. That's it. I just like the saltiness with a little hint of heat. Wow. Both of them. They have cheddar fries as well.

Not their cheese fries. It says cheddar here. Don't snatch it like I'm lying for no reason. Sorry. What did it say? Cheddar. Thank you. They're really nice.

They're all right. Thank you for bringing those. They're a win. So did you get them from the money laundering dry clean? And how much were they? Two pound a bag, which is a lot, isn't it? It's not that much for imported American stuff. Yeah, that's actually really affordable.

Right, up in London with the Russian money laundry ones, you just don't think. They would have been like £10. Six quid. I bought dessert.

Did you? Those are my second favourite Christmas of the whole lot. I tell you what, wait because we're going to do a game then dessert. Salt and pepper Chinese. In fact, everyone

everyone, shut up. It's now, we're now going to do a game. I brought a big blokey game and I can't, we're going to shut up. It's now... We're now going to do a game. I've brought a big blokey game. And I can't... We're going to get to that in a bit. We're going to drink dead man's finger.

We're going to get to that in a bit. We're going to drink dead man's finger. Is it called a cassock on a monk? Well, here is... Yeah. Come on, mate. Bring it on. A cassock on a monk with some spunk in it.

Elf on a shelf, gnome on my bone. How about that, Eli? You've. Elf on a shelf, gnome on my bone. How about that, Eli? You've heard of elf on a shelf. How about some moisture all in my cloister? Granny on my fanny. Oh. Go on, what's that?

Are you just saying that? Or did that just come from the deepest, darkest part of your brain? I'm joining in. Come on, we'll get you. I thought I'd say granny on my fanny.

Okay, what about, I can't finish this, but what about, you've heard of Elf on the Shelf, how about Hobgoblin on... No, Hobgoblin on...

Go on, say it, say it. Tanya, say it. Okay, no, right,

okay, now I have woken up. I couldn't think of it. Say it, say come, go on. Can't. Right,

yay. Because he's like, he won't have you on Tuesday because he thinks you're all sort of like... I never said that. I never said that. I only didn't say knob goblin because I couldn't find a rhyme for hobgoblin.

Knobgoblin and hobgoblin would have been valid. I would have accepted knob goblin. Can you guys think of something? You always accept knob goblin. I've heard of elf on a shelf, but how about a bomb threat on my pomfret? A pomfret on your crisp? Like a crisp, yeah.

I'd like to call in a bomb threat, please. Oi, we're going to bomb the fuck out of these pomfrets. In your pomfret. It doesn't work, does it, Biffo? Biffo's got a look on his face. I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't advise me, cunt. Hunt.

Off-licence front. Well, here is with cunt. Hunt. Off-licence front. Well, here is Emily Blunt. Blunt on my... Emily Blunt has got a great big... Eyes. Eyes. She has big eyes. Listen, I've got a game we're going to play next.

We're going to play a wizard game, all right? Let's play a game. Let's play a game. Let's, let's, let's, let's, let's play a game. Oh, I've got Snowball coming back up the wrong way. Let's play a game. Does anyone want to taste the pink one? Yes.

Let's taste the pink one. Let's taste the pink. Gone. Not the rum. Let's not get in off the pink. Please don't chant that on my wife. I want to taste your pink. No, I meant the rum liqueur.

Next week on Cheap Show. No, just fire it. I want to feel it on my nips. Yeah, but it's not good for camera, is it? How many? Five, six. Six pumps. Six on your tits.

One, two, three, four. Eli got sprayed on his tits. They say, it sounds like I'm being defensive here, Three, four. Oh! Oh! Eli got sprayed on his tits. They say, it sounds like I'm being defensive here, they say that the smaller it is when it's down, the bigger it is when you're attacking. They've got the bigger ones. Are you actually Santa or one of his helpers? No, I'm a sex Santa. Sex Santa.

I do stripping and sponking in guys' faces. Only guys? Yeah! If you're gonna do it, go all out! Don't stop at the end of the street. Put some of this passion for a canteen in. Oh, he's put his bum crack at me. Can you see his bum crack?

Put your finger in the top of his bum crack. If it's you see his bum crack? Put your finger in the tub. If it's not yours, whose is it? Go on, do it. Merry Christmas. Don't try and goose me! That's your fucking with some dark horses here. That's 100 for twings for just getting one thing right. It's Christmas.

Paul, do you think people will actually listen to this all the way through? Yeah.