CheapShow - Ep 313: The 4th Annual Office Christmas Party (Part Two)

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

Welcome back to the party! It’s Part Two of our 4th Annual Office Christmas Party and if you thought last week’s episode was a noisy hellscape, you haven’t heard anything yet! Paul, Eli, Ash, Mr Biffo and Sanja have eaten well and drank merrily but now it’s time to bring out the games and entertainment. Awkwardly, this involves everyone playing a deeply inappropriate game for the season and enduring a stripper that wasn’t what was ordered! To make things worse, the Ep 313Secret Santa Price of Shite falls apart before it’s even begun, and everyone is losing their patience with Paul! It looks like everyone is going to have some serious regrets in the morning! Share Christmas (or your chosen preferred holiday) with us if you dare! Merry Christmas – See you in 2023! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-313-4th-office-xmas-party-part-two And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! And Follow @mrbiffo @ashfrith & @ CharmFairy8 too! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello everyone, it's Paul here. Hello, Merry Christmas. So this is part two of our office Christmas party. If you haven't listened to part one, I don't blame you. But if you haven't, all you need to know is that we've had some food. We've had a pot noodle based on Christmas. And we're all getting drunk. And it's at this point I pull out my manly game.

There you go. That's all you need to know. Enjoy the episode. It's a fucking noisy shit show. Enjoy. Right, everyone. We've all done it. Everyone.

Yes, Paul. I've got a game to play, a Christmas game that we're all going to play now, and it's a blokey game. I can't wait. This is the original narrative. Yeah, what? Talking blokey, can we have some Pinky Dead Men Fingers? Yeah, what is that?

Tell me what that is. It's dessert wine. It's a raspberry cream liqueur. I believe it's a cream liqueur. A rum liqueur. Well, I tried to get some... Is it more rum? I tried to get some of the new Bailey's flavours that they have now.

And they were all out of Bailey's. And that was what was in the section. Dead Man Fingers Rum was first created at the Rum and Crab Shack in St. Ives, Cornwall, England. I smell utter bullshit. This smooth, velvety rum liqueur with aromas of fresh raspberries is delicious when served over ice. Also great for making a luxurious white Russian.

Now sit back, relax, and enjoy. What's in a normal white Russian? Milk. And Kahlua. Can you all follow those instructions? And when you're drinking it please sit back, relax and enjoy coffee?

Oh, I intend to, yeah. Like Mr Black's or whatever it is. No, no, the Kahlua is coffee looking. It looks like that medicine you used to get when you were a kid.

Pepto-Bismol. Pepto-Bismol. It does look like, yeah. This looks a lot like Pepto-Bismol. It doesn't smell that different. Oh, alcoholic Pepto-Bismol.

It smells very artificial strawberry to me. Milk and magnesium. What's that about? What is that? Oh, it'sto-Bismol. It smells very artificial strawberry to me. Milk and magnesium. What's that about? What is that? Oh, it's delicious. Oh, my God. What's that about?

It's chalk. Love it. All of those non-prescription level antacid drugs are just chalk, essentially. Chalk. Beautiful chalk. Just a bottle of chalk. Drinkable chalk. Oh, it's just gorgeous.

God. I don't want to drink this. I'm scared of it. Strong or not strong. It's danger milk. God. I don't want to drink this. Strong. Strong or not strong. It's danger milk. It tastes like milkshake. It tastes like raspberry milkshake. Is there any rum on it though on the back now?

Why did you react like that? Because it's really kind of intense. It's really thick and intense. I do not like that. Mate. Oh, that's milkshake. That's pure. One or two. I'll just give it to you what it is.hake. That is pure Vomtown.

I'll just give it to you what it is. Give it to us. Cough syrup. No. Taste of cough syrup. No. This is melted strawberry ice cream. Yeah.

And how is some alcohol in it? Is it nice? It's actually nice. I don't like it. It's that medicinalness. It's really nice. Taxi to Vomtown, please. You can totally see this coming up. It's being the same colour on the way up

as it was on the way down. I'm coming up. It's Robitussin. It's pink, by the way. It's the artificial cherry flavour. Paul's shaking. Paul, why are you shaking? It's not nice.

It's very cough medicine-y. Yeah, but he shook as he drunk it down. Have I said cough medicine enough times now? Yeah. Do you say Pepto-Bismo or or Pepto-Bizmol? Bizmol, like Dismol. I've heard of Elf on a Shelf. Here's something Dismol on Pepto-Bizmol.

Pepto-Bizmark. That was the shit, though. Hitler-Bizmol! It was full of indigestion. You've heard of Elf on the Shelf. Now meet Hitler on the shit, though. Oh, dear. What do you laugh at that?

I like laughing, Paul. I like laughing. Hitler and shit. You've come to the right place. We've got a game. We've got a game. It's a blokey game. Hold on.

What's a shitler? A toilet. Oh, is it? Hitler on the Shitler. Yeah, it rhymes with Hitler. Hitler on the Shitler. Hitler on the Shitler. Hitler on the Shitler.

Let's have another drink. Let's have another drink. I thought it was going to end on an oi. I wish it would end. I'm drinking Pepto Bismol. I'm drinking Pepto Bismol. I pour it down my garlic and I'm drinking Pepto Bismol. Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.

They are so drunk. This is more like Pepto Abismol. Yeah. I'll drink to that. He got there. I'm going to get the game up. Cause I thought I'd get a game that was blokey and rude and a bit dirty and now I brought my wife

I think she'll like it you didn't tell me that they were going to have blokey I think the narrative's gone, Sandy I think we don't have to worry about it Paul abandoned that like three seconds isn't this log cabin very loggy do you know what I'm getting

it's so fresh and freshly built that when you lean against the walls in here Isn't this log cabin very loggy? Do you know what I'm getting? It's so fresh and freshly built that when you lean against the walls in here, you get a piney residue. Yes. Sprucey. It's spruce. It's sap. It's sap oozing from the walls.

I know this game. I've got a game. It's a blokey game. It's a very blokey game for men to play. It's called jizz. It's a big cock. You have to pump it to play. It's like Russian roulette.

Oh, no. Hang on. I'll go on the mic. I'm surprised you haven't had this on the show before. Treadful. Save it for Christmas, don't I? It's a purple cock on balls. It's a plastic purple cock with balls,

ladies and gentlemen. And it's a bloke's game for men to play. And on the left testicle you spin it and it tells you how many pumps of the cock you do. Don't let me wait for you! What's in there?

I've just put water. Unless there's something else you'd require, madam. This is horrible, this drink. It's horrible. Put some of that in here. No, I'm not putting that in here. That is really grim.

I'm not. You like it, don't you? I'm not putting pink fingers in this. You know what? It's sort of transporting me into a terrible cheap nightclub. Oh, mate. Yeah, you know? It's like, oh.

Where everything is pink. Yeah, it's awful. Wait. So the left testicle tells you how many times to pump. The right testicle shows you where you aim the cock. So it's either at the chest, it's either in the face,

at someone to the left of you, at someone to the right of you, in the mouth, or in the face. Are you going to... Oh. So I'm going to go first and I'm going to spin the ball.

Can I spin it for you? No, why does it matter? Because I'll give you a go. All right, you spin the left ball, then the right ball. So how many pumps and where I aim it, all right? What's this game called? It's called Jizz. It's called Jizz.

It's called Jizz. I'm Spoffery Jizzstream. Jizz Cube. The official game. Have you been hanging around, Spoffery? I'm always around. Jizzree, Jizzree, Spoffstream? I am Spoffery Jizzri Spoffstream? I am

Spoffree Jisri. Come on. Spin my balls. And I just want to say Merry Christmas to one and all. Merry Jismas. Now, Paul, I always... I dislike the design of this. You can't get your fingers in to spin the balls, I know. It's really on it. You're going to spin that

like that by pushing a finger against the surface. Do you know what? That's bothering me because it looks like a gouge in the balls. It's really on it. You spin that like that by pushing a finger against the surface. Do you know what? That's bothering me because it looks like a gouge in the balls. Yeah. Like eyes. Like D-glove testicles. And incision there.

Someone's made an incision on the bollock. Come on, spin it quick. We've got to get the game going. It does spin. No, it doesn't. It doesn't even spin. This is the worst thing

I've ever seen in my life. Four. Now spin it again. Where do I... So I know where to aim it. Right, in my face. In your face. This is a cheap

and horrible thing. This is gross. Cost me a fiver. Four pumps in the face. One, two, three, four. Nothing. Is it got batteries in it? No, it doesn't need it.

It just pumps. Why have we not taken a picture of this? I have. It's on camera. It's videoing it. Oh, no. This is Patreon

exclusive content. Right. In that case next is Biffo I'm going to spin it for you so I'm going to you have to do

oh it's spinning it's spinning fine there three pups sorry I hit you at the person to the right of you so you have to

aim at your you have to aim at your wife three pups at your wife I literally didn't get what you meant

I know I saw I thought you were questioning sort of like... He's pumping. He's pumping at his wife. How many times? One, two, three. Roll it for Sanya. You spin it for Sanya.

Three pumps. What does that say? In her own face. What's the prize if you get spuffed on you? That's just where you put the liquid. Aim it at your face. One, two, three. If it comes out. That's over your shoulder. I want to spin it for someone.

I want it to come in my mouth. Five. Five pumps. Mouth. So you have to aim it at your mouth. Ash is getting vegan water in his mouth Ash in the gash I don't want to

Look at the colour of it Do you reckon that belonged to Grimace Grimace is gone How many pumps did he get Five Just imagine it's Grimace Is it Barney? Open the mouth. How many pumps does he get? Five. I don't... Five pumps. Just imagine it's Grimace, Ash.

Two. Three. Three. Four. This is horrible. Five. He has one more. He has one more.

I feel more strange now. I feel comfortable now. No, he spins it for you. I'm going to get it. Left ball. I think this game's broken. I was always destined to get this. No, it takes a while for it to come out.

Six? Six pumps. Where is it going? I'm getting it wherever it wants it to go. On the tits. You have to spray it on your breasts, Eli. Aim at your chest. No, you pump it.

Who's going to hold my nipple out? Just aim at your chest. Don't lift your shirt up. It could be a clone. Sorry, I wanted to get flesh on flesh. Yeah, it's all right. Don't. There's no flesh.

That's tits. That's bare tits. You've gone too far, mate. You've gone too far. No. I mean, the tits depicted. Biffo, I mean, the tits that are depicted on this device are bare. Yes.

Spray that cock. Shouldn't I put it down my shirt or something? No, just fire it. I want to feel it on my nips. Yeah, but it's not good for camera, is it? How many? Five, six. Six pumps.

Six on your tits. One, two, three, four. Eli got sprayed on his tits. Right, you spin it for me. One more go round. This is a terrible thing. Is it because you've got cum on your tits? I don't like it.

Is it? It's all wet. It should have been a milky substance. We should have put some of this pink stuff in it. Beefo would have put like poo essence in it. Yeah, he would have. So you would just think of poo. Century egg.

He would have. Watered down century egg. Spin it for me. And then a whole century egg came out. Bonk. Could you imagine that coming out of a real cock? A century egg coming out of my cock. It'd be horrible. You're right. It's hard to have the screaming

involved. Four pumps in the face. Right, here we go. Four pumps. One, two, three, four. Oh dear. Nothing for me. Right. It's spinning, and it's five pumps in your face. Five pumps in your face.

One, two, three, four, five. Oh. Spin it. Spunkage. Six. No, six. Why? Six in your face.

No, again. Here we go. It's over for you. You're going to join the losers. What have I told you? Sandy's joining the losers club. It's over your shoulder.

How many have you done? Two more. One more. Oh, thank God. Ash is getting it. How many sprays? Four.

Four sprays. This can't be true. Mouth again. It knows what it likes. It wants it. Your mouth. It wants inside your mouth. It knows that it wants your mouth. The cum in that device wants inside your mouth. Go on. How many times? Five times.

Four. Four in your mouth. Open! Four. Four in your mouth. Froth for three. Open. Yay! Right in his gob.

I went out of the nostril. Oh, God, I felt flashbacks. Right, is that it? That's it. That's the game. That's the end of the game. That's the game. Goodness me. Well, I had lots of fun.

A real blokey game for men to play. A right blokey game. What a lovely blokey game. That was very blokey. Actually, I wonder how many times it takes to pump it. It's aiming at me. It's random, Paul. That's why.

I felt dehumanised then. Stop aiming at us. Oh, it came out. I felt totally dehumanised. Go on, Eli. Go and get it out as quick as you can. That was a lot. That was a lot.

You fucking came hard in my face, Eli. I think that's a lot. Well, that's the You fucking came hard in my face, Eli. I think that's enough. Well, that's the game over. We can go back to the... Drinking! Drinking now, right? I'm really struggling because of this. Oh, no, it's dessert now.

We're going to go to dessert. Dessert! in Bradford in the Kirkgate Centre for all the family the lights are bright in Bradford the lights are bright in Bradford come see Father Christmas and shop so easily the Kirkgate

Ardale Centre for all the family it's bright to shop in Bradford Christmas time in Bradford Kirkgate Ardale Centre for all the family

I'd like some more of this. Right, dessert. Like a little drop of... What happened to your rhubarb cocktail? Oh, I drank that. A little top-age. Yeah, it was... You thought that was better than the pink drink?

Yeah. Yeah, it's drinkable. Ah, nice stuff. I'm really struggling with this. Have you both drunk yours? We should have said... I haven't even finished my snowball. I can't even...

I got a snowball out. Ah, fuck that. You should have had some beer. It's delicious. Yeah, the beer is a bit more easy On the As opposed to this Christ almighty

Pink mess It's It does It does have a chalky Pepto-Bismol It is nice saying That I have on I'm a celeb

That would be like Pure cow's anus Which they literally Did have this year Do you know that I was jealous I was like I want to get that

For our games Right dessert I did think we should get some offal for DigiLife no please no I'd have perineum

I'd eat a tastefully presented slice of perineum is there anything off a cow you wouldn't eat eyes I would struggle more

with the bollocks and eyes bollocks and eyes the souls of the mind tongue the bum tongue I said I'd eat the bum as long as I don't see bollocks. Tongue. The bum. The bum.

I said it ate the bum. As long as I don't see the actual hole. If you think about it. Oh, but I did have the hole. It has the hole now. It was literally the sphincter. It's like poo's gone through that. Poo has gone through it.

Poo has gone through it. Have you ever seen cow poo when it comes out? They rinse it under a tap. You know they rinse it out under a tap. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about, I think, certain areas have beef perineum, where it's a cut, which is in that part of the body, but it doesn't include the actual ring, sphincter ring. Yeah, this was...

It's the part of the muscle around it. What about a sheep's vagina? Yeah, what about that? They had a sheep's vagina. Why? What about a dog's cock? What about a dog's cock? Was it like onion rings?

Yeah. It was. No, it literally was. It looked like an onion ring. Yeah. I'm not... Can I just say? No.

I would eat a rooster, obviously. Yeah. I wouldn't go for that. I'm not one of these meat absolutists. I'm not like a... I have vegan burgers as well. I had the Leon one. Well, aren't you lovely?

I had the Leon plant-based. The Leon plant-based. Two out of ten how about dog's arsehole meaty substitute I've got some dessert chocolates

would you like Eli a chocolate cocktail there's a margarita there's a cosmopolitan there's a mojito and there's a I think it's a daiquiri

do you want to try one of them I've done the daiquiri I want the cosmo please cosmo who opened that what's a cosmo again

cosmo is lemon vodka it was just a generic Do you want to try one of them? I've done the daiquiri. I want the Cosmo, please. Cosmo. Who opened that? What's a Cosmo again? Cosmo is lemon vodka, Cointreau, and what's it called? Cranberry juice. Cranberry. And then you flame an orange peel on it. You want what? Mojito, please. Mojito. I'm a sucker for a mojito.

I like that. There we go. Do you want one? Oh, yes, me. There is. It's rude. She's got a name. All right, love. Do you want one? Yeah, go. Do you want one? Oh, yes, please. There is. She's rude. She's got a name. All right, love.

Do you want one? Yeah, love. Do you want strawberry daiquiri or a margarita? I might have a margarita, please. I mouth-guffed, Paul. Why is it called a margarita? Do you want to have one of these? Because if you don't, there's also liqueur.

There's a French coffee liqueur one as well. The pizza margarita. Why is there a pizza called a margarita? Yeah, it's named after an Italian queen. Yes, that's right. And she wanted a simple pizza. Named more than one type of thing. And it's like in Italian colours as well,

because you've got red. I know what it is, but with the drink margarita, it's a version of a drink called a daisy. Oh, margarita. Yes. It's a version of a drink called a daisy, so the sort of translation of the name daisy is Margarita. Yes. It's a version of a drink called a Daisy. So the sort of translation of the name Daisy is Margarita.

Yes. Daisy in Italian is Margarita. It is. The best and worst pizzas I've ever had were both in Italy. So although the pizza is named after the Queen, the drink is named after a Daisy. So what's in the drink? The Margarita is tequila, lime juice and...

Triple sec. And triple sec. And is that like... An orange and yellow. Why is it after a daisy? What is daisy like about the drink? Dirty daisy. No, a daisy is just one of the names for this drink.

The American version, the daisy doesn't have tequila. Doesn't have. Oh. Right? It goes Spanish because of the tequila. So it have. Oh. Right? Yeah. It goes Spanish because of the tequila, so it's a variant on a Daisy, but a Spanish version. But the funny thing with that is the drink,

the margarita is now much more famous than the Daisy ever was. Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. I get it now. I thought you could judge a person by how they... Eat it on the bottom. Oh. Like a wine glass. No, it's all spoiled now. What do you think? Are we meant to drink out of this? No, you take the top off.

I don't know, just eat it. Yeah, I've never done that before, but that's a good idea. Does it actually come out like water? Not really. Mine did. It's a bit gooey. What's your one, Paul? I got strawberry daiquiri.

It's kind of horrible. Yeah, well, that's, again, another rum thing. Mine didn't taste much like mojito at all. Well, mine is a Cosmo. I'm doubting this. Well, it was like dark chocolate. I can't believe you're biting the bottoms off. What's the matter with you?

I think you've got to drink it like a tiny bottle of wine. No, this is a little glass of wine. Oh, I know. Yes, Eli. I think the next solid chocolate, though. This is like a trendy modernist glass in a Soho loft. Ash. Have you seen my paintings?

They're just dots. One million. Charming dots. Ash, do you not drink wine by smashing off the bottom of the bottle? Yeah, that's how I always do it. Downing what's inside. That's proper wino. That would be glass.

Have you ever seen anyone remove a champagne cork with a knife? Oh, yeah. That's called sabering. Yes. Yes. But you drink. And I like scissoring. It's different, but the same. How can you scissor? Can you scissor a bottle of champagne?

Yeah. Rub your big gooch all over it. Oil it. Oil it up. Oil it up. Get it nice and glistening. And then when it's time to pop the cork, I go for a very stern walk through the woods on my own.

This is Paul Gallen, everyone. Hello, everyone. True question. If someone fired a champagne cork at your bollocks at close range, like point blank. No babies. No babies for you. That's permanent damage.

It depends how much of a twang it got on the matter. Why are you asking this question? It's an important question. It depends how much of a twang it got on them. I think. Why would anyone want to do that? Don't. That's my point. I think I would... Why would anyone want to do that? Oh, no, don't. That's my point.

I'm just saying, hypothetically, if that happens... Well, of course it's going to do permanent damage. I prefer that. If you fire a gun at someone's testicles... What's the ABV on this? This is fake. Minus three. On a patrol vehicle. I'm scared of having that.

Four percent. Four percent. Vasectomy. Yeah, I'm scared of that. Well don't have one then. I'd rather have the They don't force you to. I've got to have one

I keep having children. I can't stop. So I think I'd take the champagne cork to the bollocks. You think that's better than having a vasectomy? Yeah I don't like needles.

Oh no. Yeah but Ash No. It wouldn't be done. I don't like navels. That's not done. I like a large navels. That's not done. I like a large samurai blade being brought across my testicles.

We're not doctors. We just made a sort of educated guess. You would never drink champagne again. We just made a guess. But one thing that I think we can all be sure on is excruciatingly. Yeah, but there'd be no more kids. What would hurt more? Hopefully.

What would hurt more? A paintball to the bollocks at Point Blank Lane. Point Blank. Or champagne cork. Yeah. I would say, I would bet,

in fact, that the paintball. I think so as well. And would that stop me having children? It'd be like Anson Deck on Biker Grove

but with his balls. Spooky me balls! Spooky me balls! Spooky me balls. Don't work. Spooky. Oh, did he get blinded? He got blinded, yeah. By a paintball gun?

Yeah, because they shot him in the face. I never watched that. Yeah, well. Blinded by the balls. Is he still blind? Swelled up like a balloon, another bollock in the night. I'm spanking in my bed.

All right, Eli. All right, mate. Wrapped up like a dookie in the toilet of the night. No, that's all right. That's good. up like a dookie in the toilet of the night. No, that's all right. That's good. Get in there, mate. In the toilet of the night.

Shot my fucking bed. Did a dookie in the bed and I spread it around. I'm just like, all right. Eli, you're a music man. Yeah, you're the music man. I've got a question. Hey, let's do some music. I've got a question about blinded by the light.

Yeah. Yes, that's what we were doing in version of just now. Is it cut loose like a deuce? No. Or a goose? Blinded by the light. It's wrapped up like a deuce. Like a deuce.

What is a deuce? A deuce is a two, a card, a two card. Have we had this discussion before? I think the last time we were together. A deuce is also referred to in the restaurant trade in America as a two-seater. We have had this discussion before. Is that also what you wash out your bum or vagina? No, that's a douche.

A douche. Which a lot of people thought was the line in that song for years. Really? I prefer it to be. You've heard of elf on a shelf. What about douche on a moose? On a moose. A moose douche.

A moose douche. A big sponge of fucking meat along. Have you seen those? Imagine... Have you seen how big mousses are? Yeah. a moose douche a moose douche get a big sponge of fucking meat along because you've seen those imagine have you have you seen how big mooses are yeah

yeah mate no you could get a douche right off a female alright in a big bucket do you want to I'm talking about

do you want to go outside with that thought I'm talking about I don't really know where this is I don't know where this is going it's going straight up

at moose's clunge. Why are you interested in molesting Moose? I'm not. I'm just saying. People react differently to alcohol, and Eli gets horny for animals. I do not. I'm just saying, if you were going to perform...

Here comes the dog fucker, murderer. He's a Labrador fiddler. Silverman. Silverman. Here's a question about Moose's clunge.man. Silverman. It's a question about a moose's clunge. Yeah. Right? It's all on our lips.

Because I've seen footage of doctors and things delivering horses and shit like that. Which of the big animals? Now, that's postman you're thinking of. Forcing a horse through the letterbox whose entire body becomes degloved. And you see them and they're delivering them and they get their arms right up there, right?

Yes. Which animal do you think you could get most more of your arm on? Moose. Up than the other moose. Well, you could literally swim into a blue whale's vagina.

That's true. You could go inside to did. You've done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pull up Pinocchio. Yeah. Went the wrong way. Pinocchio.

Pinocchio. What? Why? Stop.io. Yeah. Went the wrong way. Poonokio. Poonokio. What? Why? Stop. No. No. If it's in a whale's arsehole, then it's Poonokio.

Poo doesn't come out of a whale's vagina. I know. It's not what you do. Sometimes. Yeah. Do whales have bumholes? Yeah. And do they do poo?

Or is it that stringy thing? Yeah, they do poo. It's like a goldfish. It's a big string. So that big long string. Four miles long. poo? Or is it that stringy stuff? They do poo. It's like a goldfish. It's a big string. Oh, you just say that big long string. Four miles long. Really? I performed an epic poem all about blue whales.

Go on. In Glastonbury. Go on. It was called Whale Nation. Go on then. Do it now. I'm just saying I learnt a load of facts, like when they have sex and stuff.

Oh, yeah. And what was that like? The biggest sperm in the world. One big sperm? No. Squids have the biggest sperm. How big? As big as a goldfish. They're like big fish swimming around. You can see? No, squids have the biggest sperm. How big? As big as a goldfish.

Can you see them? Big fish swimming around. You can see them. Are they like that? Yeah, squid spunkies. Could you have a squid spunk as a pet?

It looks like a deviled egg or whatever it was. it's a very specific thing. Don't quote me, but... Right, we won't. That seems unlikely.

No, they've got the biggest balls, haven't they? Blue whales. They're in the animal kingdom and penises. They seems unlikely. No, they've got the biggest balls, haven't they? Blue whales. In the animal kingdom. And penises. They actually have testicles. I've never seen their balls.

Yeah, they're mammals, aren't they? Where do they keep them? They keep them in their body. And then they drop out. Just like a normal guy. Just in a pouch. What about their cocks? Yeah, where's that cock from?

Similarly attached in a similar way to ours. Yeah, it's the biggest in the animal kingdom. Is it folded inside their body? Yeah. They are the largest penises of all human history time. Not human history,

of all Earth's history. No one has a cock bigger. Are they bigger penises than that guy Martin I used to work with? And when we did

Five Aside, I applauded him. He took his short stats. I was staggered by it. I think a blue whale might just edge him. But was he a

shower or grower? Yeah. It wouldn't have mattered. Genuinely. Unraveled. I've never been taken aback by a cock before. And yet, you're still young.

It might turn around for you. You might be out there one day, swimming in the sea, and a great big whale comes up, fully erect. Why did you say it? We were playing football, and we were getting changed all the match.

Shirts and skins. And then afterwards, yeah. Full of skins. He went bombs. Full of skins. And then we had full sex afterwards.

Yeah, but no. Honest to God, he had no personality. He was the most boring person I've ever met. And yet blessed with a big dick. Didn't need one.

I think it was too big. I would have honestly said it was too big a penis. But they say, it sounds like I'm being defensive here, they say that the smaller it is when it's down, the bigger it is when it gets up.

They've got big ones. I could vote for that. He's a show-er and grower, isn't he? Yeah, show-er or grower. So he must have just been a show-er. Because I read it in a... In my head, I read it in a tabloid article about Ronnie Corbett. We have ginormous penis.

Genuinely. Wait, Ronnie Corbett. We have a ginormous picture. Genuinely. Wait, Ronnie Corbett gave us a little bit. I read somewhere that Ronnie Corbett had a little cock but it was huge when it was a wreck. Well, it's going to look

huge next to him, isn't it? And it's goodbye from you and it's fucking goodbye from him. I don't know what I'm doing. He's doing a web gesture. I don't know what I'm doing. What's that?

He did a laugh like hehehe. Did he? And now we know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. He did a laugh like... And now we know why he was laughing. I put you in the Ronnie Corbett, Ronnie. What was that? It's why Ronnie Corbett... Eli built you up to fail then. Wait, wait.

And I said... That's not bad. And then... Big cock, Ronnie. My wife. That wasn't bad. That wasn not bad. And then, buddy, buddy, big cock, ruddy, my wife. That wasn't bad. That wasn't bad.

It's not too bad, is it? Ruddy. Were you scratching your head or was that part of the... No, he's touching his glasses. He doesn't do it constantly.

He doesn't. Because he's got a wart and he's like, ruddy. Has he got a wart? Yeah. Corbett or Barker. Is it one day

he's always doing that? Barker's got a much bigger cock than Corbett. He's worn himself a walk. Up and down. I think they at least once held each other's penis in each other's hands backstage. Haven't you done this for the Doctor Who? You've gone into light entertainment now. Yeah, let's get back into that.

Who has the biggest dick, cannon or ball? Ball. Who has the biggest dick? No, that'd be ironic. Surely the guy called Cannon had a bigger one. That's the irony, isn't it? That Cannon's got the bigger balls and the ball's got the bigger cannon. Well, yeah, likewise little Lodge. It bigger one that's the irony isn't it that cannon's got the bigger balls and the balls got the bigger cannon large it's like a big day isn't it like i reckon they're both little no little's got a big no little's got you think little little's got a

great big donger he's proper he's proper i'm just thinking of that youtube channel that does things um in size you know how like he'll go up in planets he starts off with like the smallest and then gets bigger and bigger so what you're saying like Ronnie Corbett's dick

and then Ronnie Parker's dick and then until you get to a blue whales one oh yeah they're animal scales yeah I was about to chip in

for something that you ought to have a frame of reference for like the Wiggles like who's got the biggest who's got the biggest wiggler Emma who are the Wiggles they're a kids show Australians they for like the Wiggles like who's got the biggest who's got the biggest wiggler Emma

who are the Wiggles they're kids show Australians they're huge the Wiggles they're present day kids show are they well I don't know

if they're present day but they're still going oh really they recently did an album with like Tame Impala and people like that bloody hell that was really good actually

did you see my Disney Disco record Mickey I picked that up Disney Disco did you see it no Disney Disco Disney Disco Disney disco record Mickey I picked that up Disney disco Did you see it? No Disney disco Disney disco

Do you want to make any more noise across our cabin? He's got his little record out It's a little mini Silverman's platter Well you're not doing anything No

Mickey Mouse is disco Oh wow I've been after this for years It was a quid £1.25 Do you reckon he's at Studio 52 Right that's enough for that segment We've had a lovely time

Macho duck Macho Macho duck I wanna be a macho duck I wanna be a macho macho duck. Macho duck. I wanna be a macho duck. I wanna be a macho, macho duck. I want to be a macho duck. What else is on there? Yeah, what else is on there?

You've got Disco Mickey Mouse. That's the title tune. Disco Mickey Mouse. Welcome to Rio. Welcome to Rio. I wanna be your dog by Pluto. The greatest band, Zippity Doo Duh. Disco version of Zippity Doo Duh.

You can't sing that anymore. You can sing it. You just can't beippity-Doo-Dah. Disco version of Zippity-Doo-Dah. You can't sing that. You can't sing it. You just can't be in it or be a part of it. Anyway, great Splash Mountain ride. It's my favourite thing. It's becoming

Princess and the Frog. It's worth all the racism for Splash Mountain, isn't it? Splash Mountain. Splash Mountain. When you go down a great big toilet into a bog.

Was Splash Mountain themed after Song of the South? Yeah, but now it's becoming Princess and the Frog. Princess and the Frog. Princess and the Frog. I mean, that's a bit problematic, isn't it, as well? No, in terms of gender relations. Why?

It's like kiss the frog, you know. Go out with the ugly bastard who can give you security. Frogs are cute. Yeah, they're great. What have you got against frogs? There's something... Are you a frog hater? What's wrong with frogs?

Yeah, what's wrong with frogs? Here comes the frog hater. Eli Silverman. Murderer. Oh, you just don't like frogs. Yeah, what's a frog with frogs? Here comes the frog hater. Eli Silverman. Murderer. Oh, you just don't like frogs. I don't like the

whole social framing of the whole story. Oh, I know what that means. She's a princess and she has to

have the perfect Oh, no, she's not. In Princess and the Frog, she is a princess. She learns to

see beyond the surface. She's not a princess in the film. Yeah, you've got it. Cinderella. She's saying she doesn't care about the frog surface. She's not a princess in the film. She doesn't care. Cinderella.

She's saying she doesn't care about the frog exterior. She becomes a princess. He's a prince. He happens to be in the frog shape. He happens to be a prince, so she becomes a princess after he's done. She becomes a frog in the film. I misunderstood the whole time.

Here we go. Isn't that interesting that Eli just waded in with his biased opinions. Well, now I'm prepared to learn, unlike some other people, Paul, who just ignore any new facts that present themselves to you. Eli, are we done with your Mickey Mouse disco thing? Because I'm bored of this. Macho duck, mousetrap, watch out for Goofy.

It's a small world. Ah. Chim-chim-chirree. A disco version of all those tracks. Chim-chim-chirree. Chim-chim-chirree. Chim-chim-chirree. I like to spoff in a great bowl of soup.

I serve it to family members on Christmas and they guzzle down my delicious Christmas. Oh, Jismas. Christmas, Jismas. Merry Jismas, everyone. Merry Jismas, everyone. I'm Spoffery Jismanaut and I go to sleep. Oh, it's Santa.

I wonder where the sleigh is. Jolly glad I used Sealink. So relaxing. Oh, especially in this weather. Yes! service for those urgent presents. Mind you, the old sleigh's handy for the personal deliveries. Hmm, good idea for a winter break. Well, home we go, our British Rail sleepers. Oh, how nice. I'm fond of the occasional nightcap. Bye, Santa. See you next year. British Rail wish all their customers and staff a very happy Christmas. I bet he did, Carling Fat Lady. Not tonight, he won't. They've just closed. Add some salt to it. Cry into it.

I'll cheers on your neckers and cheers on your boo. I'll cheers in your mouth when you're well. I'll cheers on your father when you're asleep. I'll cheersis on you. Chis, chisery, chis, chisery, chis, chisery. You've got it in your eye brow. You've got a star. I chised on your brother. Chis, chisery, chis, chis, chis, chis.

That's how Ronnie Corbett got the war. I chised on your brother. I'll chis on your dumb. Spoff,izzery Spoff jizzery Spoff spoff I've spoffed in your mouth and I'll spoff in the zoo

I've spoffed on a zebra I've spoffed on a wolf and then I've spoffed in a bloody sink I'm spoffering jizz jizz stream jizz stream I'm spoffering jizz stream I'm spoffrey Jizz. Jizz Stream. Jizz Stream. I'm Spoffrey Jizz Stream.

Ho, ho, ho. I'm Spoffrey Jizz Stream. Welcome to the future of Cheap Show. We come to... I'm glad there is some continuity. We come to... Not much. We don't need much.

The next section is Cheap Show's future. Who's at the door? There's someone at the door. We've got to go through. I think it's our erotic guest. Oh, my goodness. Before you didn't tell me that you'd gotten a stripper. That Paul had gotten a stripper.

Hot stripper boobs fannies. Hot stripper boobs fannies? Boobs and fannies. Is that her name? Yeah, boobs McFanny. My name is Boobay McFanny. We've actually left the room, listener. I don't know.

Both of them have gone. This feels like... Is he, like, going to break dance? Oh, I see. Oh, I see. He's just sexy Santa. Wait. Oh, hang on.

Who's the bit of naughty boy? I see now why he wanted to do this bit. He had a whole thing planned. Who's the bit of naughty boy. Who's been a naughty boy? It's been a mistake I've booked in latest. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's a male stripper by accident.

It's a massive male stripper. Oh, Sanya, what a lovely drink for you. Oh, wow. Who's ready to see my greasy baubles? Where's Eli gone? Eli's missing it. Who's been a really bad boy? Eli has.

Eli has. Sandy's going to empty his sack all over it. Sandy's eyes are popping out on stalks. Where's Eli? Get a load of this. I'll treat you like a reindeer and put a bit in your mouth and fucking empty me sack on it. Oh, St. Nick.

Oh, who's drinking? It's very sexually violent. He is very sexually violent. We don't need a stripper. I thought I'd booked a lady stripper. Oh, sorry, love. You've got me now. Well, we don't need you, unfortunately.

I've done the whole wax job for you. We need a wax? Where did you wax? All over. Have a look. Have a look. Have a look. Look at that sleigh bell. It's winking at me. Have a look at Santa a look. Have a look. Look at that sleigh bell.

It's winking at me. Yeah. Have a look at Santa's special winky. Show us your North Pole, Santa. No, Santa's grotto. I'll tell you. Santa's sack is absolutely stuffed to brim. We don't need you.

Talk about a white Christmas. Come down my chimney any time, Santa. All right, who's the lucky big boy? It's him. It's him over there. It's Eli. Where's Eli?

We think it should be Eli. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Why are you so wet? I've oiled everything down for you. Why are you so sweaty and moist? I've oiled it all up. Why is the back of your legs so wet? I've oiled everything down for you. Why are you so sweaty and moist? I've oiled it all up. Why is the back of your leg so damp?

He paid for this. We're going to have to ask you to leave, Mr. Sexy. You'll get your money. Oh, he's trodden in something. I put a £50 note around the back of the tree. I think he's trodden in his own feces. That's the thing. Look, sorry. It's been a mistake.

It's been a mistake, and we don't need you to get your cock out anymore. It's hard to find a Santa sex worker who will actually fucking do the whole beans into your piss. And that's what I get paid for and I find this insulting. Well, I thought I booked a lady stripper Santa. You've got a specialist sponking Santa. I thought you

would have come if we stayed awake. No, I just have to get all this fucking shit off me. Well, you can go into the kitchen and drink if you want. You're going to have to release some of the tension. I'm in recovery. From what? Alcoholism.

Santa, you look like you're fit to burst. What are you going to do with all this? I'm angry. This young lad here, I do enjoy my work, so part of, you know, you're fit to burst. What are you going to do with all this? I'm angry. This young lad here, you know, I do enjoy my work. So part of, you know, it's all the costume and everything. Are you actually Santa or one of his helpers? No, I'm a sex Santa. Sex Santa.

I do stripping and spunking in guys' faces. Only guys? Yeah. You don't get a lot of women. He said, he said, I want smoking in my face. I asked for a lady stripper when I spoke on the phone. You got me. Who did you call?

I'm going to go. I called... SexSanta.com SexSanta.com He called SexSanta.com. What do you think you're going to fucking get? SexSanta.com

Remember it from the advert. You get me or one of my close colleagues. What, one of your friends? Well, there's only a few people who can perform this kind of service Who are your colleagues? You've got Spunky Santa Rudolph

Rudolph the White Nose Shitty Santa No, no, don't go there But, you know, he does provide that It's all on the website Scat Santa So someone can order Shitty Santa Oh yeah, Scat Santa, someone can order shitting Santa oh yeah

Scat Santa you'd be surprised Santa Splash Hen Knights they love him slinging Scat about he's doing all over the place he's like a monkey

he's got like a a modified foam gun which he puts Scat into and it it foams it all up Eli outside the podcast I've heard enough

you can go now you can you can stop so we're all good. So instead of like a foam party, they just go like foaming diarrhea everywhere.

Anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, Mr. Santa Stripper. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sorry. Because I've got all the gear on now. No, I'm sorry. It's all good.

You can go now. I'm up for it. Happy Christmas, everybody. Take it off. Take it off. Come on. I'm going down the corridor. Are you a cocker?

Are you a shower or a grower? Why don't you go up the chimney? Up my chimney. Oh, I've just been in the loo. Very nice in this log cabin. You missed it all. Who was that? You missed the stripper who was here. Oh. She was... No, it was a guy. A very vulgar, obvious guy.

We had Santa here. It sounds like he was very entertaining. Sorry, sex Santa. And it was a good sustained improvisation there. It was all right. Let's do crackers. Come on. Let's pull a cracker.

Hey! You can pull one. See, he does a bit which he wants to abandon. Then I commit fully to it and then I get nothing. Right. Oh, they've pulled it. What have you got? You can pull mine with me.

Well done. I haven't won anything. What have you got? You can pull mine with me. Well done. I haven't won anything. I've just got two ends. I've got a measuring tape to find out if Santa's a show or a groan. Oh, I've won two. Oh, I've got nail clippers. Oh, that's one of the best ones. Like a paper measuring tape.

Yeah, so you can measure paper. I've never seen one of those before. No. Put my hat seen one of those before. No. Put my hat on. Put my hat on. These are silver. I've got a silver hat. Wait, I've got...

There's a joke. Who's won twice? Is that all of them? Let's do another one. I've got pencils. Oh, jealous. Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Mate, because you can see right through them.

Yeah. These are the same jokes as last fucking year. Are they? Yeah. I can't even read these jokes. This one says, why was Cinderella no good at football?

Why? Remember that from last year? Because she only had one shoe on. She always goes home with the ball or some shit like that. No, it's because... No, it's not. She runs away from the ball.

No. Good one, though. Good one. That's good. It's good. You're right. It is good, isn't it? Because she's a woman.

It's close, but it's not quite right. Why is good, isn't it? Because she's a woman! It's close, but it's not quite right. Why is it, then? It is because her coach was a pumpkin. Mine's better. Yeah, it is. Much, much better. That was what we did last year.

And look, we come to the same shit magic trick where you just take these two pieces of metal and you go, can you separate them? Yeah, like that. She runs away from the ball. That's actually brilliant. Okay, I've got a trivia question. Which are the only two countries with an X in their names? X-Land and X-Mos-Land.

Yes. Xenophobia and... Xenophobia Land. Xenophobia Land. That's a good land. Xenu. Xenu. Xenu. No, I'm thinking this.

I'm going to think of this. Go on. I'm going to think of this. Go on, but you don't know it. Extation. Crustaceans. X. Exquador.

Exquador. Come on. I can't think of a single one. Well, then you just said you would. I tried. Thanks for the silence. Palax. Yeah.

I've never heard of that. Is this a trick question? That's how it's true. That's a piece of IKEA furniture. Well, the answer. Yeah, what's the answer? Mexico and Luxembourg. Oh, come on.

Oh, it's so obvious. It's so obvious. I've got some tricks. Go on. No, I didn't. Go on. No one did. We look like morons, everyone, because we couldn't get those.

Oh. What is the capital of... No, it isn't. Is that a joke? No, I can't read it! It's so dark, it's dingy in here. No, it's because it's like gold writing on paper, so it's hard to see. I don't know, what is it?

Oh, what is the capital of Australia, saying you're not allowed to answer? Is it Canberra? Anyone else? Any advance on Canberra? I think it not allowed to answer is it Canberra anyone else any advance on Canberra I think it is I think it's Canberra

you're quite right it's cranberries cranberries it's in your head you have that the cosmopolitan cranberry juice yeah

there's also treat thrush with it zombie zombie zombie hey hey ho

ho this is I'm doing the cranberry zombie, aren't I? Why does it smell like... I don't know. It smells like a lubricant. If a dish is described as... Smells like Christmas.

If a dish is described as Mornay, what is it served with, Eli? Oh, that's a Mornay. That's an Eels. How do you spell Mornay? M-O-R-N-A- that's a moray. That was an ills. How do you spell moray? M-O-R-N-A-Y. Moray. Horny.

As in Rebecca de Moray. It's with a fennel and bechamel sauce. It's not what it says here. What does it say? Cheese. It's a breakfast food. Cheese sauce is correct.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Geography. What is the capital of New Zealand? I did know. As soon as cheese was said Capital of what? New Zealand

Old Zealand Old Zealand, yeah Ten points Gryffindor Christchurch What is the possibility of capital? Huh? What's the possibility of capital? You buy stuff with it

Yeah The answer's Wellington Next Why did the strawberry get a lawyer? Because it was in a jam. Yes. Yes! What had it done?

Eli, what had it done? Yeah, what had it done? Oh, I don't want to lower the tone. Oh, no, it was bad. It was really bad. Do you want to pull another cracker? I never win anything! Oh, it's another one of those shit notebooks. Eli, I gave you this. I gave you this. you this that goes with my pencils

I can take notes I love the smell of that burnt smell nail clippers are cheap enough that's such a terrible thing why is that terrible because they're probably dangerously faulty they'll break without even cutting the nail.

This one didn't have a tie-in. Would anyone cut my toenails? Seriously, how much would you have to be paid to cut my toenails? If your feet aren't too gross, I'd do it for, I don't know. You'd do it for nothing. If it gave you comfort, I'd do it for nothing. It's all a bit weird. I wouldn't want to do it.

They do need doing at the moment, Sonia. Sonia does cut my toenails. God almighty. He does. That's nice, but I think it's the type of thing in an intimate relationship. In an intimate relationship, fine. I would feel weird charging you money for doing it. That's fine.

You can just get someone else to do it. That's fine. I was just theorising. But it's fine. You can just get someone else to do it. That's fine. I was just theorising. 250. 250. 250 pounds. That's my time now. That's my price now.

I win again. I win again. I've got another trivia one. Go on. What God. What God? That's a good question.

Actually it is. What is the name of the mother goddess that the Na'vi worship in Avatar oh I

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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I Not yet. It's not out yet. The Way of the Water. Everyone's been waiting for that sequel, haven't they? No one gives a fuck. Only James Cameron. I want to see it. I do. Why?

I only just saw the first one in the cinema last month. James Cameron is a good man. I don't care. At making films. Apparently he's really grumpy, though. I've got wet teeth down. What type of room has no windows or doors? A womb. The womb room. A windows or doors? A womb.

The womb room. A womb room. The moon room. You've heard of Elf on a Shelf. Now, welcome to... There's womb in a room. Womb with a womb. They're all womb in a womb.

Womb with a womb. Go on. What kind of room has no windows or doors, Eli? Come on. You think you're so clever. Box room. A roommate. A roommate?

That's a good answer. A sparoom. A roommate? A sparoom. A coffin. A sparoom. Sparoom. Sparoom. Sparoom. I'm going to keep on saying sparoom.

Sparoom. What kind of room has no windows or doors? Come on, you know this. A grave. It's a mushroom. Good one. A mushroom, ladies and gentlemen. What a great gag.

What is Shrek's best friend called? Donkey. Dave. Dave the Donkey. Sport. What number would you wear on a fullback in Rugby Union? Mate, these are the exact same fucking questions. Yeah, they haven't updated them.

We got last year on the pub. You shouldn't have bought the fucking same crackers then, should you? You made me a flip book. I want to just have a look at this. It's a willy. No, you've got to go from the back to the front.

No, the back to the front. Is it growing? Not a shower from the back to the front. Oh, it is. Look, it's growing. That's blokey. That's a blokey one. I will treasure that

always close to my heart. That is my favourite. Just for you. That's my favourite willy picture I've ever seen. Are we playing The Price of Shite now, Paul? The fucking Price of Shite.

Hey, who wants Some caffeinated booze Staff No Oh I want I want more booze I don't want to get Caffeinated

Do you Do you want to try My candy cane Will you have Drink caffeinated booze With me Paul Wait what's the Caffeinated booze

Dragon Soup You're not drinking Caffeinated booze I punch drunk If you drink Caffeinated booze Just a sip't sleep tonight if you drink caffeinated booze. Just a sip. Mate.

I'll have a taste. Look, I've got a huge can of it here. No. Oh, Eli. Oh, no, Eli's down. I took Eli out. Eli slid. I had to do an audition.

I had to do a knee slide. Like that. Right, I've mixed the snowball with the pink fingers. Like that. Right. I've mixed the snowball with the pink fingers. Oh, Paul. They're good moves. And the martini. And we're going to see how this works out because I've mixed it all together.

Look at that. No, Paul. The home city. That's like something a 16-year-old would do at their first party. Add some of the honey rub. If you're going to do it, go all out. And put some of this in. Don't stop at two drinks. And the caffeinated beverage. And put of the rub, honey rub. If you're going to do it, go all out. And put some of this in. Don't stop at juice drinks.

And the caffeinated beverage. And put lager in there as well. Put some of this passion fruit in there. I've seen it. I've put some in already. And some crisps. Put some crisps in there.

Put some crisps in there. Pop sauce. Pop sauce. Right, here we go. Very nice thinking. There's sauce mention on that one. Yeah, he got excited. Right, I'll bear with.

Here we go. What minus was in it? So, the pink fingers. I've got the honey and r one. Yeah, he got excited. Right, I'll bear with. Here we go. So, the pink fingers. I've got the honey and rum. Pink dead man's fingers. Honey rum. The martini. The snowball.

It's not a martini. It's passion fruit martini. That's it, I think. Just four things. Here we go. Four things. He's going to down it. Salute. Salute.

Merry Christmas. Down it. Down. Oh, come on What's it taste like? It's alright actually It's quite nice It's kind of

That's really quite nice Ash is checking his phone Ash is checked out Look he's checking his phone I'm not I've just had a Very important message It tastes like

Fruit salad sweets Does it? Yeah I find that hard to believe Can we make a blackjack drink? Can I smell it? Yeah could we? We'd have to have a little liquor Here let's have some of this It's soup dragon Yeah believe. Can we make a blackjack drink? Can I smell it? Yeah, could we? We'd have to have a little liquor.

Here, let's have some of this. It's soup dragon. Yeah, have a bit. Yeah, go for it. Dragon soup. Pour. It's all right. Hold this out.

Paul, do you think people will actually listen to this all the way through? Yeah. Yeah, because we're two hours deep. Why wouldn't they? Paul, that does taste like fruit cocktail it does right medicine yeah I quite like it

it's not bad are you ready for dragon soup dragon soup give me dragon soup or give me death once again you're not wearing your Christmas

cracker hat like every bloody year you never wear the Christmas cracker hat why do you always call me out on it why don't you wear it it's just a Christmas

cracker hat every year it's really uncomfortable if you were in the army and you didn't wear your special helmet yeah if you were in the army they wouldn't let you in Why don't you wear it? It's just a Christmas cracker hat. Every year. It's really uncomfortable. If you were in the army and you didn't wear your special helmet. If I was in the army, I'd defect. God, it's blood red. There, finally.

Why don't you ever wear it? It's blood red. I'd wear it and then it falls off. Accidentally. God, it smells like absolute shit. Oh, Jesus. Oh, this is from the, what's it called? Santa, shitsanta.com.

What is this again? Dragon Soup. This is what they're serving. This is dark fruit punch, 7.5% alcohol with caffeine. Mate, it sounds like a dirty, sweaty arsehole.

With caffeine, she's doing it. It smells like a sweaty arsehole. Wow, it's red. Smell it. It smells like a sweaty arsehole. Ash, do you want to smell the sweaty arsehole? They really picked it up. It smells like artificial sweaty arsehole. Smell it. It smells like a sweaty arsehole. Ash, do you want to smell the sweaty arsehole? They really picked it up.

It smells like artificial blackcurrant. It smells like cough syrup. They're not nice. Oh, God. It does have a... It's honestly the worst thing we've had today. It does have a bum-like... Yeah, it's got a very bum note.

It's got a very bum note. It's horrible. Bitter. Who's drinking that? How does that get through trials? Guess what's going in the cup. It's quite unpleasant. Here It's horrible. Bitter. Who's drinking that? How does that get through trials? Guess what's going in the cup? It's quite unpleasant. There we go.

Look at that. I think the people who are doing the trials are already drunk. Oh, it could be that. Their taste buds have been burnt off. It's kind of like off wine. Well, I was hoping like a... Yeah, acrid. Yes.

Acrid is the right word. I've added it to my concoction. Down it. Down it. Down it. Who's drinking that shit? That is horrible. That's really awful. Someone..., down it, down it. Who's drinking that shit? That is horrible. That's really awful.

Someone, I got it from Savers. What's the name of the brand? Dragon Soup. Oh God. Yeah. They're trying to do, it is a dragon soup.

They're trying to do sort of an alcoholic Red Bull sort of thing. Drink that, mate. Come on, drink that. That's everything so far

we've drunk. Drink it. Drink it. Drink it. Drink it out of here, baby. Drink it out of here. Drink it. Drink it. Drink it, baby. Drink it. Drink it. Here we go, baby. Yeah. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

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Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we The flex and specs. Oh, is he curdled? Is he curdled? The curdled. Like slightly off milk when he hits the tea. Hello, I am Colonel Curdled. And I make drinks weak. Go on, make drinks weak. I was waiting for this character to come through. It's not coming.

It's not coming. Colonel Curdled. I'm having a small sip of this. With the sausage. Oh, that's just it. Hit the nail on the head. It's actually better than the dragon suit by itself. Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's not bad.

I drink it. The egg and milk has Googled. It's Googled itself. It's like, we're going ahead to the finale now, which is our secret Santa price of shite. So let's go to that after these messages. Sausages. After these sausages. these sausages sauces and sausages

you find Christmas presents people will love opening whether they enjoy discovering new worlds on new hobbies the latest high-tech games relaxing music or heavy rock watching videos people can't wait to see. Joining in the fun and games. Or drawing and painting. You'll also find all sorts of Christmas decorations, including advent calendars. There's more to discover at WH Smith.

Avoid the crowds this Christmas. Shop in comfort at your Newsforce newsagent. There's a tremendous choice of cigars, greeting cards galore, chocolates, sweets and things to eat, fizzy drinks for the party, gifts and toys for girls and boys, local newspapers packed with action, daily papers full of news, comics and annuals for Christmas laughs and lots more besides. So don't waste your time rushing around this Christmas. Pop into your Newsforce newsagent where you see this sign separate cups yes you're looking at two separate cups very separate it has separated it's like the dark

pink one it's too it's too difficult Eli's so drunk well observed Batman they've separated

you know what else has separated Kent and Essex yeah like a big border right it's time for a special

Christmas Christmas secret Santa price of shite it's the fucking price of shite it's Secret Santa price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite.

I've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard of shite on a shite? So, Eli, you were in charge of sending out a Secret Santa to everyone. So everyone's got a present for someone's secret, right? So I'll get my present in a minute, but who wants it? So here's the game. Everyone bought a price, an item, and it's under £2 each, and they're going to present it,

and we all have to take a guess at which one had the lowest, cheapest price. Sorry, what were the rules? Sorry, come again, Paul? One more time. Each of us have an item on the two pounds and we have to go around and guess which one of us

has the cheapest item. We have to guess which one has bought the cheapest. Who guesses? We all guess. We all guess every item. We all guess. Oh, no, look.

I go, here's my... Oh, Ash is doing coke. He's doing... Typicals. It's like my dream. He's just going to go sniff his lap. I had a dream

my granddad had a... Granddad? Yes, you have your grandad and then your grandad. Yeah, your grandad. He's like your grandad's shadow ego. He was buying cocaine and using it. Hey, I'm bad. I'm grandad.

That's a great character, grandad. Grandad McNasty. Right, so you were doing grandad. Who guesses what fucking price? We all have an item to present, and then we all have to take a guess on which one we think is the cheapest of our four items. And if you are the cheapest, you win.

One between us. Fine, that's fine. What? We get the idea. Everyone has a go. Everyone has a go at guessing what they think is the cheapest item. Please explain it to me.

What? Yet again, Paul has baffled me. His garbage explaining mouth is so pissed. Reveals their item that they have brought for you, Eli. And the other three then have to guess the price of that item. It's a secret.

We sent the item to the king. And we bought it for anyone. Because it's a secret Santa. Look, no, this was a whole, back when there was a narrative. There was a narrative. There's a whole thing about it, the two fucking weeks of voice messages and shit that I've had off him, kind of planning this out.

Oh, have you got a voice changer megaphone? And stuff like that. I thought he was going to make a big presentation. You're all having a go at Paul, but he's got this log cabin sorted out that we're all still in. Yeah, exactly. There's the narrative. He killed all that wildlife and put those heads up there himself.

Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Good one. It's a chicken. It's my wild chicken. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Who's the chicken? Do you want to produce?

Yeah, you show your presence. Who did you get this for in your secret Santa? For Eli. No, you couldn't have because I got mine for Eli.

What did you get yours for? How did you get yours for? I got Eli. Yeah. We all got Eli. Mate, you couldn't have because I got mine for Eli. What did you get yours for? How did you get yours for him? I got Eli. Yeah. We all got Eli. Mate, you were meant to send different names out. I sent everyone their names.

Give them my name. I gave them my name. That's a shock. That means everyone's bought a present for you. Oh, my God. What a story point. Oh, what a story point.

Now we can move on. I sent everyone my name. Now we can move on. And I got myself something as well. Oh, good. Right, so what's your first item, Mr. Biffo and Sanya? It's Eli-sized basketball. Eli.

It's a mini basketball. Teeny tiny for Eli to play in real life. I am literally three inches tall. What? And it has a special note on the back. It's also handwritten notes. It's signed. Oh, is it signed by Kobe?

What's it say? Ruby, Ruby, Paul. Ruby, right. What did you say? Ruby, Ruby, Paul, Ruby, right. Is that right? I don't know.

We couldn't translate it either. Ruby, Ruby, Paul. You've heard of Nelf on the Shelf. This is Ruby, Ruby, Paul. This is Ruby, Ruby, Paul, Ruby, Ruby, Paul, Ruby, right.

Is this the Kaiser Chiefs song or something? Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Ruby. This is a little bit Ruby, Ruby, Paul, Ruby, Ruby, Paul, Ruby, right. Is this the Kaiser Chiefs song or something? Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Ruby. Shall we get it out then? Yeah, get it out. Let's get it out. Whip it out. Since everyone's got a fucking present for Eli this year.

I can't believe that's happened. What an incident. What are the odds? What are the chances? What are the chances of that plot point being a plot point? What are the odds, Eli? You're quite good with odds. Don't start.

I'm having a moment. If you toss a toy. Don't start. I'm having a moment. It's all wooden. Wooden toy. He dropped a bit over there. Sensory. Sensory toy. It's wooden. Some parents don't want to give their kids plastic toys.

It's got a bit of wooden on the top. It's got plastic on it though. And some sellotape. It's got some extra sellotape, which is good. Oh, why? Where does this go? This is too much. Mint in box.

That goes in the nook. This toy requires assembly. Put that in your nook hole. Get the stick in. Put it in your nook hole. That doesn't look good in the nook hole.

It doesn't sit in the nook hole. No, maybe it goes in this bit. That's a tiny hole. That doesn't go in the hole. It's broken. Oh, it goes in. It goes in. How does that go on? It doesn't go in the hole. It's broken. It goes in. How does that go on? It doesn't go on.

It's sellotaped. This is a very shoddy guess. Did you buy this or find it? Did it really have sellotape on it? This is already broken, guys. Thanks. You're supposed to give me a present. No, you were meant to get each other presents.

You fucked it. You could make the most of a present. No, you were meant to get each other presents. You fucked it. You could make the most of it. It was sellotaped. This was one pick. Where's this from? I want my money back. Anyway, that's your item. Ruby, Ruby.

Now keep the price to yourself for now. They should have paid you to take it and put it in the bin. They didn't specify that it put it in the bin. They didn't, they didn't specify that it was damaged on the packet. They sold it. is the damaged wood basketball toy

from Nobland board basketball. It's from Tiger Tiger, isn't it? Tabletop basketball. That's not where we found it. Why would you do that though? Imagine if you broke that

and you go, right, yeah, take that into the charity shop. One arsehole thing to do. Ash, what have you got apparently now for Eli? Eli, what have you got? Here you go, here's a present for charity shop one arsehole thing to do Ash what have you got apparently now for Eli

Eli what have you got there you go here's a present for you I wrapped it as well aww best of Peter Sellers aww you've got an actual decent thing

aww you sucker that can't be under two pounds you arsehole sucker well yeah I realised today I hadn't got anything what's he got

has he got has he got I'm a racist I beat my wife I was an arsehole to work with was he yeah

he was a horrible human being I didn't know any of that the fellas was a shit I didn't know that out of all the goons you know

it was Seekham that was probably the cool one the cool one Seekham was the daddy cool one he was all chill and relaxed

and everyone liked him where do you keep your goon I keep mine in the Peter Sellers yay whack whack whack redeemed him

no where do you where do you where do you buy your goon always forgiven Peter Sellers that's good

it was either that or a Tony Hancock one and I wish I'd bought that. No, because we'd done a little Hancock gags. It would have been a fine. Yeah, it would have been too obvious, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Side one, the trumpet volunteer. Auntie Rotter, all the things you are, we need money. Side two, I'm so ashamed.

Party political speech. Balaam, Gateway to the South. That's the famous one. Everyone knows Balaam, Gateway to the South. I got that on a 12-inch. An EP. Yeah. And last track on the second side, Balham Gateway to the South that's the famous one everyone knows Balham Gateway to the South I got that on a 12 inch an EP yeah

and last track on the second side Suddenly It's Folk Song great well there you go is that a Beatles pastiche suddenly it's alright mate

what's your item then that you got for yourself what's your item for the price of Shytle it's gonna be for me because I thought you sent out their name no you sent it all out

you sent me the name I sent my name to you you sent it round me I sent it round to you you sent out their name. No, you sent it all out. You sent me the name. I sent my name to you. You sent it round me. I sent it round to you. You sent it round. I inserted it inside you. I didn't know he was an arsehole. Yeah. Eli. Eli's definitely one. I object.

What are you doing? I'm getting the present. Why are you doing it like that though? Eli is over the seat. Oh, okay.? He's lying over the seat. Oh, okay, he's put it behind the seat. Oh, he's put his bum crack at me. Can you see his bum crack? Put your finger in the top of his bum crack. If it's not yours, whose is it?

Go on, do it. Merry Christmas. Don't try and gooch me! Don't try and gooch you. Ash, do me a favour. I will fucking... I will fucking... I will fucking... Can we have shit Santa back?

Oh, Santa just wants more stripping. Yeah, she wants her dirty stripper back. He was trying to Gooch-do me. Gooch-do me. I have not won. This is going to be a... Gooch- to me. That's what broke you, Paul.

That well-known sexual act of gooch to him. I got gooched on. I got gooched on by him. I don't know why that really got... Both Pauls really going off with a gooch to me. That's a Paul Tickler. Oh, yeah. All right, this is not one, not two, three unknown.

Right. So it's like a mystery box as well as an unboxing. Smurfs. Porcelain. Smurf. Porcelain rabbits of the feminine wild. Oh. Smurfs. Let's see what the first one is.

I hope I haven't got duplicates. Duplicates. These are mint on bloody card, mate. That's bad. It's almost the sin to open them. Look at that big crab. First thing, who have we got? Accordion playing one.

Don't break it. I'm not giving it to you. I'm not giving it playing one. Don't break it. I'm not giving it to you. Don't break it. Don't! These big boys trying to break my rabbit. I'm holding on to these. Gooch boy. I won't break it.

It's something you can trust, can't you? I don't trust anyone. I won't break it. I will love it. You're married to him. You're compromised. No, I will never.'t break it, I will love it. You're married to him, you're compromised. No, no, no, no, I promise you, I will defend it. It's fine, I've got him in my lap. I will defend it.

Compromise, though. Which one have we got? Same one. Accordion playing well. Oh, that all is a job lot of accordion playing. Only one way to find out. Job lot! of accordion you're getting battered only one way to find out you're locked which one would be the best

which would be the best the guitar playing one would be the best wouldn't it yeah it would be you've got

accordion playing rabbit guitar one if there's a god if there's a god castanets open it up please

drum drum no more suspense castanets accordion playing one castanets is really originalets. It's an accordion playing one. I'll go to church on Christmas Day.

Castanets is really original. There we go. Oh, God, help us. It's the accordion playing one. Yay! Three. Three. Count them.

Three accordion playing porcelain bunnies. So why did you buy three bears? Oh, my God, it's brilliant. That's a good question because they came for a three for one price. Now we know why. I've got a little daughter who would love that, Eli, if you wanted to get rid of one. Oh, Paul's gone up and gone over there. Oh, he's going that way now. Eli, here's my present, which I bought for only £2.

Oh! Look at that. It's a light bright. They're really cool. Eli, there was a giveaway, I've just realised, on what one you were going to get. There's a tick on it. You willingly bought three accordion rabbits.

Well, like I say, it was a price per three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, fair enough. Oh, do I need batteries? No, it's already got batteries in. If you press the back, look. It turns on. This is brilliant.

Didn't they have that in Stranger Things? There's no way this was under two pounds. Did they? Yeah. Oh, I've never seen that. No way this was under two pounds. How come it's not coming on? Because I haven't turned it on yet. Stick some bulbs in. There's no way this was under two pounds. How come it's not coming on? Because I haven't turned it on yet.

Stick some balls in. There's no way this was under two pounds. Yeah, it was. Where are you finding... I go in charity shops in Essex. There's shit. There's nothing. Our charity shop almost had nothing under two pounds.

Do you? Yes. Do you? Look at that. This is brilliant. Isn't it great? It's a light, bright game. And I believe it's a 90s one.

He hasn't even done a cock and balls. No. That's the thing. This is unbelievable. He hasn't even done a cock and balls. That's the thing. This is unbelievable Eli. Just start with the cock and balls. Start with the cock and balls and work your way up. top of the building.

What? Eli's art friend that lives in the top of the building that does that. This is brilliant. This is better than Peter Sellers

who's a monster. A literal monster. Yeah, a literal monster. But the big question is which one of these items is the cheapest? Is it Asher's album? Is it My Light Bright? Is it the rabbits?

Or is it Biffo's basketball game? Eli? Technically, he sent me a ball. I think... I didn't know that it had sticky tape in it. I sent her out the road to get it. Yeah, but they thought she knows the price, right? Yeah.

So then you're all right. You're in the game. Yeah, do you know the price? Yeah. Oh, you do? I think the cheapest here is Peter Sellers' album.

What do you think, Eli? Out of all the three, four items, what do you think is the cheapest? Is that because he's a monster? Yeah.

I'm allowed to pick my own item. They're trying to give it away. I'm allowed to pick my own item. Please, if you need to, but you don't know how much

ours cost. What did you get? That was fucking Is that a penis? Yeah, there's a It looks like it is though, doesn't it? It looks like someone's

flared at the bottom. There's a helmet. It looks like a wave. It's got good, strong roots. It looks like someone stabbed on a mushroom. It's got a good

base. It's a good base. It looks like a windmill. Oh, look, all spunk coming out up here the bloody General Sherman. It's a good base. It's a good base. It's like a windmill. Oh, look. Oh, spunk coming out of here. This is amazing. This is a brilliant gift.

It's really cool. A good gift. That's really cool. That looks like it's spunking because the light rotates. Oh, yeah. I think that's a brilliant gift. Yeah. That's just so thoughtful.

I think you've ruined this podcast because that's genuinely great. Yeah, but how much? Maybe it was dirt cheap. I don't think that was the cheapest item. No, it wasn't. Well, you just don't know, do you? Who wants the betwing? It's just a possible betwing.

I think the cheapest is Peter Sellers. Eli, what do you think is the cheapest item? Who gets betwings? Whoever wins gets a hundred betwings. Whoever gets the most right.

No, you're going to fuck him. Whoever wins gets the most betwings. Gets a hundred betwings. That's your fucking with some dark forces here. That's a hundred betwings for just getting

one thing right. It's Christmas and you get 100 per twings. It is Christmas, Eli. It is. 100 per twings. 100 per twings. For everyone. So you could give out a possible, if we all got it right.

Everyone could get 100 per twings. You could give out 500 per twings. 400. Which is more per twings. 500. Everyone could get it right. No, because there's only four items. Why would you give

out 500 betwings? Here's another thought. You have 500 betwings between all of us. There's 500 betwings going

down. They can either be diluted. Spread across. This is more betwings than has ever been awarded on the

show before. It's Christmas isn't it? You're going between crazy. 500 betwings between five people.

Biffo, what do you think is the cheapest item? I know you know your own price, but... It's going to be there on that stat sheet. You're going to fuck the stat sheet, mate. Fuck the stat sheet. And fuck the Starzee as well. I'm going to say... Fuck the stat...

Maria don't like it. Fuck the stat sheet. Fuck the stat sheet. Fuck the stat sheet. I'm going to say Peter Sellers because he's a monster. All right, what do you think? Biffo, what do you think is the cheapest of all these items? I'm going to be a maverick and say the light bright. Right, light bright.

Right, Ash, what do you think is the cheapest of all of these items? Knowing your own price of what you got and what everything else is here. It has to be the broken toy. Surely it's the broken toy. The broken toy. The board. The basket board game. Eli, what do you think is the cheapest of all four items?

Da da da da da da Christmas time. Poof poof Christmas time. Chuff chuff Come on. Poof poof. I only have to do those sounds because he takes forever to think of anything. That's fair.

It's like throwing a penny down the longest well. Come on, Eli. Come on, Eli. Come on, Eli. Come on, Eli. Come on, Eli. Come on, Eli.

Peter Sellers. Die. Peter Sellers. Shut up. Die. That sounded really cool in my ears, by the way. So you think Peter Sellers

as well? Fucking Peter Sellers. Yeah? Right. Now we go round the room. Now ears, by the way. So you think Peter Sellers as well? Yeah? Right. Now we go round the room. Now we go round the room. Today, today, I've been in the hay. I've dropped my ball, I've dropped my time. I've dropped me off in the morning.

Right, so Sanya, what was the price of the basketball thing? Too much. £1.50. £1.50. Yeah, I know. They didn't specify that it was broken. No. I'd take that back and throw it in their face.

Literally throw it at the brow of their nose. I will. I think I might. Throw it right there. Yeah. Not at you. No, there's charity shop workers. Go to that little old lady and just go.

This was broken. Fuck balls. broken balls right ash how much was yours how much is your album eli read out please say one pound two pounds two pounds jesus christ right you show off you spend money oh look at me. So, so far, the cheapest item is the basketball thing. I'm winning the betwings. No, you're not, because it's the most expensive. It's the cheapest one that wins. Whoever guesses it wins. That's what I guessed.

I already know that I've lost. We've lost. Yeah, I guessed the cheapest one so far. Well, cheapest one. I thought it was the cheapest one. Yeah, so, oh, yeah. No, it comes down to my items. It was the cheapest one, so we're still with him.

You're still winning, yeah. What did you say? I said the cheapest one. I said cheapest is Lightbrite. Yeah, that's right. You're still winning. I said Peter Sellers. I'm winning currently.

What did you say? We guess separately. Lightbrite. I said Peter Sellers. And I said Peter Sellers. There's no way the Lightbrite. So you two are out. So we're out.

No betwings for me. What did you say? I said that toilet toy. So you're out as well, are you? What? No. No, not yet. We still don't know yet.

I think Eli's given it away. You've given it away? What do you mean? Come on, Eli. We don't know. How much is yours? I said you were still in it. It could be cheapest.

Eli, what was the price of your stupid accordion rabbit shit? Brilliant. Quid for three. Wow. One quid. One quid. You know what, though? Because of the Christmas-ness, Eli's given my daughter one of these accordion rabbits. Oh. One quid. One quid. You know what though? Because of the Christmasness,

Eli's giving my daughter one of these accordion rabbits. Oh, that's nice. Does she want it? So that's priceless. She'll love that. That's really expensive. In that case,

the light bright was £1.50. Yeah. £1.50. The same price as that. So therefore, no one wins any per twigs.

No, Ash wins 100 per twigs. Why? Because he picked the basketball Which was the cheapest It's not the cheapest It was Because that was the same price As the light brights

No Mine's the cheapest What was yours? A pound for three You're such an idiot You said a pound for three Yeah The cheap

Which is the cheapest Which is what I said About a minute and a half ago No one wins any Christmas points You saw that? You fucking moron You fucking moron Well You fucking moron. Well, I'm not getting everything wrong.

You get, not because you don't do anything. You just sit back and you go, I mean, I sure am. And I know everything. And what I don't know isn't worth knowing. And I'm going to go up and down in Eli land and live my life free of judgment. I'm Eli.

And I'm perfect. I hate perfect. And from this moment on, the Chip Show boys live together in harmony, and all was well. Chip Show, ho, ho, ho. I'm Spoffrey Gistream. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. Christmas time at Gamley's

where children's dreams are made. Hornby Railways Tomy Time Fun At Gamley's there's a whole shop full of exciting toys. Pick up the new Gamley's Christmas catalog soon. Gamley's, where children's dreams come true. Merry Christmas, Fozzie. Oh, boy! What is it?

It's a birdhouse. It's a Polaroid camera. Take a picture. How? Just point it and press the button. That's gotta be over his head. Point it at what? At us. Ah, now what? It is over his head and press the button. That's got to be over his head. Point it at what? At us.

Ah, now what? It is over his head. Press the button. Hey, this is easy. I'm beautiful. Take more. You see Polaroid's pictures along with the presents, and there's no simpler camera.

No simpler bear. Polaroid means fun. With the button. Right. Insult him or something. All right. Right, that's it for the games. Now we can just relax and have a lovely Christmas party

with no... Insult him. State... State interference. State, is there state? No state interference from the Chinese government. I just tried to organise a Christmas party for my whizzer friends. We can all have a lovely time with no state interference.

What are you talking about? I'm not talking about, like, China. We're not in Iran. I'm not talking about Iran or China. I'm not talking about China. This is categorical from Paul Gannon. I'm not talking about China. Right, well, this has been my Christmas party. It's been shit, Paul. I'm not talking about China. Oh my goodness. Right, well,

this has been my Christmas party. This is good. It's been shit, Paul. It's not been shit. How are we getting over this? Stop coming. There's actual movement in this knob flipbook.

And you've not served to cheer me up. Yeah, I know I did. I drew a knob in it. Very good. This is so far from home. We're in the middle of nowhere. There's no bent in this.

You're meant to go home. We haven't got it overnight You have to go What? He's booting us out into the forest I'm going to have to It's freezing out there You're going to have to go

I've had drinks now So I can't drive You're going to have to You're going to have to trudge It'll be nice and romantic You trudge through the snow Be pleasant And you as well

You can fuck off It's not 19 Oh from the Sprucey Cavern Yeah from the Remember the Sprucey Cavern Remember the Sprucey Cavern. Yeah, from the Sprucey Cavern. Sprucey Cavern. This is the weakest conceit of all time. Oh, fuck off! Lovely.

I do everything I can to get a place to record and do a podcast and have fun and have fun. You invited that stripper to be fair to you. Ask it to 100 Twings. No, actually... No one got betwings It was a betwingless episode Paul I'm scared of the state

Oh don't come for me China Oh Beijing I'm quite frightened of China I'm such a big bloke except I've got dildo toys And male strippers. What does that mean? You can see this. Get off.

Listen. I'm fucking going to... I'll tell you what. How about you fuck off? Go on. Fuck off. No. You fuck off.

You get out. You fuck off. It's in my name. You fuck off. No. It's not in your name anymore. It's in my name now. It's not in your name.

I've re-acquisitioned it. We replaced it with Biffo's name. Oh, they're like, fuck off get out there go back to the cold go into the cold

what I mean all this happened who cares we've had snowballs bollocks I'm drinking that rum stuff ow ow

ow I can take the book with you he's taking his knob flipbook. Take your knob flipbook and fuck off. Take your Peter Sellers, you Peter Sellers lover. I've made everything happen today. It doesn't matter.

Go through the snow, weeping and crying. Hope your tears freeze to your stupid face. Hope the spunk freezes in your bollocks and they shatter. Wow, that's especially cruel. Oh, it's so much better in here. Perhaps you can see the fucking Santa strip on the outside and it can blow you off. There he goes.

Yes, I'm going to go. I thought you'd gone. I thought that's... Come on. It's cold outside. Slam the door and finish the conceit and then we can all drink more. Oh, no. That song, Baby, It's cold outside Slam the door And finish the conceit And then we can all Drink more That song

Baby it's cold outside Booblay I am booblay Booblay bot's here Booblay bot Hello It's cold outside Oh this is great

We should all play charades now Yeah Now Paul's Big old baby Much cold outside Oh it's great fun Oh, this is great. We should all play charades now. Yeah, now Paul's doing all the numbers. Jingle, baby. Much cold outside. Oh, it's great fun. Boobley Bot.

Oh, baby. Boobley Bot's malfunctioning. Oh, jingle. Oh, it's so much fun. Yes, boo. Merry Christmas. Oh, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Bob. Oh, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas. Crying all the time, dying in the cold. It's been really great. I've had such a good time What a cunt I'm going to take my trousers off I'm going to take my trousers off

Where's Bublé Bot? Oh here he is Mistletoe It's a late shout for best character of the episode Bublé Bot. He's walking in the snow.

Oh, it's Alan Bot. He's walking in the freezing cold. His name is Paul Gannon. His funk is frozen as gold. His balls are dropping off. His balls are dropping off His balls are dropping off His heels are shattered on the lake His balls are shattered on the lake

His little bits are frozen Spunk in his wake Shattered frozen spunk Shattered Shut it! Shut it! Shut it! God! It's freezing out here! God almighty! Jesus! Bastards. I hope they're having fun in there without me.

In the warm cabin. Well, I'm out here freezing in the cold. Right, that's the last time I'm doing one of these parties. Last bloody time I'm doing it. Get all sod off. Before I'm going home. Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy New Year and all that shit. Oh god.

Oh god. Bastards.