CheapShow - Ep 316: Miss Vickie's Crisps

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

YOU send your PO boxes to us, and WE (eventually) get around to opening them! This week, Paul and Eli dive into a delivery from Canada which is packed with items that will both tickle and torture their taste buds. From sumptuous snacks to flaming hot Mac n’ Cheese, there are cheap eats aplenty ahead. There maybe a bit too much to gorge on. Luckily, Paul has pulled out another parlour game called “You Be The Judge” that gives them the chance to flex their legal skills. As you can imagine, it doesn’t go all that well. This would usually be more than enough for an episode, but there’s a lot more to enjoy! Paul’s genitals are turning into a wild range of full blown classic Universal Monsters whilst Eli dedicates most of the episode to his “bad boy, maverick broadcaster” image by trying to make his new filthy innuendo stick! It’s another episode of good intentions but failed executions! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-316-miss-vickie-s-crisps And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Bing bong! The gates are now open for Fight Cheap Show to Laughsville. Oh, I hope I've got my vaccine passport and everything's in order. I've got my passport. I've got my seat. I hope the meal's all right. It's terrible usually. Airplane food is terrible, isn't it?

Isn't it terrible? What are you going to have, the veggie or the meat? Or the meat, it tastes the same. Who knows? It's mystery meat, isn't it? Bing bong! The gates are now closing for Cheap Show. Oh, oh.

Flight 187 to Laughaville. Let's get on the personal rambulator. I'm running along the rambulator. It's quite bouncy. Bung, bung, bung, bung. I like the smell in this airport. Hold the gates. Me and Eli are getting on board.

Oh, we've closed the gates now. You should have been here 30 seconds ago. Am I working for this airline or am I with you getting on the airplane? Me and you are getting on the airplane. Cheap shows, flight 107. So why does it sound like your ship impression of me is doing the voiceovers? No, I'm doing a cat or something like Henry's cat. Oh, no.

Henry's cat. Oh, I'm Henry's cat and I'm knocking after the flight gate for this flight. Paul, as flat, useless and disjointed as my opening gambit when we first tried this cold open was. This is the end of the episode for that. I'll save it for the end. Put the scraps on. This is even worse. Why is it as bad as my come board flight Eli plane?

I wanted you to engage with my new bad boy persona. Engage it. You don't have a bad boy persona because I see in the heart of you, and in the heart of you, you're a wittle, wunny, bunny, wabbit. And I know you're a big, soft, lovely bud bud. All I want to do is pick you up in my cradle of love and

give you snoogles and nestle my penis like a bird that's been something that comes up a lot that's only where did you get that where what

viz comic did you why do you presume a I don't I haven't read viz in like 20 years well we well don't say that they'll drop our perma ad we'll drop our ad

that I didn't ask for and that's been in there for the last... Are you sure you didn't just sort of pay them 30 grand or something? No, I paid them a one-off for a Christmas edition special. But then since then, it's been nearly every single issue. And if they turn around to me and say, we've got a bill for you, I'll be saying, yeah, well, I've got something for you.

And it's my chodder. And I'm going to whack it down on this bill and delete it from the record. Your chodder. Yeah. This is a perfectly normal slang word for penis that just no one else has ever heard before apart from you when it came out your mouth. Yeah, but everyone's going to start using it now that I've said it because I'm a trendsetter.

I'm a bad boy. I'm a bad boy maverick. I pee pee at my chodder. The winky hole on my chodder. Pee pee out. Pee pee at my chodder. What you're actually doing, Eli, if you don't mind me saying so, is doing the theme tune from Only When I Laugh,

which is, I am H-A-P-P-Y, I am H-A-P-P-Y, I know I am, I'm sure I am, my H-A-P-P cries, I'm remixing, my tiny pee-pee cries,

my tiny pee-pee cries, I squeeze it once, my chodder pee-pee cries out, I squeeze it once, and out comes muck, my H-A-P-P cries, sometimes it's only air, sometimes it's only air. I wanked it off all day and sand and air just sprays in the air.

I came one night alone, a big dust bowl emerged. It covered my muck and took the fuck out of me. I just don't know, I've got nothing. I've got nothing. Chutney fuck! I've got nothing. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Off-brand rat-lock, off-brand rat-lock Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of Shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Sometimes, sometimes you reach for something, don't you? You reach for something and it's not there. But what you get instead is like a cracked porcelain piece of antique joy. You know that, who was it? The Chinese, the ancient Chinese, they used to break their pottery

and then put it back together. It was sort of like a symbolic way of, similar to what you were just talking about. Like there's some more beauty to something that is slightly imperfect. Well, you know what? Funnily enough, we were having this discussion outside about people who go,

I won't have a record in my collection that has any pops or surface noise. And, you know, that's part of the charm. I was saying to Paul, I've recently on Facebook,

Grandad joined the record collector group. Yeah. Because I find those groups are kind of fun if you're into something, you get to see pictures of it, you know. But it's a really annoying group, that one.

This is my setup. Oh, this is my setup. The axial cables are better than the flat response cables. Has anyone got an optic lead for an MD? Yeah, so you get those tiresome hi-fi nerdery. Yeah. And then on the other end,

you get people who like what is the hole in the middle of a record for is it for looking out of the machine if you are a magic elf or something like that or i'm pretty sure that would have been a question yeah or stupid or you know people with dumb questions but also people who like yes i police my collection with a magnifying glass if i see one single piece of dust, it's out the door. Immediately out the door. I buy a sealed copy, a half-sealed copy, a playing copy, and this copy. I prune.

They use the word prune. I prune my collection of anything with any surface noise. It's like you're using the wrong format. If you don't like any, you know? Yeah. CDs. You heard of those? Yeah, go on.

Get something lossless in your life, you big prick. format if you don't like any you know yeah cds you heard of those yeah go on get something lossless in your life you big prick but cds i mean this is the big fucking well the big lie this is the big secret at the heart of vinyl big cd man vinyl lovery yeah lovery is not a word vinyl it is now fandom yeah cd sound better than vinyl oh they're meant to though you've got a good system and an adequate CD yeah they sound better in that it's a much more clearer and more detailed reproduction

of the sound wave you know what I'm saying Paul here's the first sigh of the episode mate you did more sighs last week than I can even fathom it was bread

the game bread the game bread broke us mentally literally once we stopped recording, we just sat there in silence for 15 minutes. It really did. Sobering. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show,

the comedy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain between these charity shops in power lands of Great Britain and bring out the treasure that we find amongst that trash. And today, we're just going to dive straight into it. I want to see what's in your sack.

No, the sack's for later. Why is the sack for later? You've teased your sack with me a few times now tonight. And I want to see what's your sack. It's all part of being an outlaw bad boy maverick. High flying. Take no answers.

Take no answers? I will accept no answers. I'm like an 80s action hero guy. Oh, yeah. In the podcast. Like the all-American hero. And this sack, this mini-disc, oh we haven't mentioned that as a format have we?

Well I'm just more interested, aren't I? It's a mini-disc sack. It is a foodstuff, I'll give you that much. Is it? But it's in a mini-disc sack. Alright, that is to keep prying eyes away from determining the brand. And I've checked it for fish. Do you know what the answer was? No fish. No fish. Right, well that's

good then, otherwise this would be redundant. Or seafood. Although, although to be honest now that i know it's not a mini disguise i'm a lot less interested in finding what's in it have that sack if you like don't you like that i don't need no sack charity shop finds paul no we're keeping on the straight and narrow we'll come back to that when we do a final platter or something in the later day i'm not having you go off on tangents as much as you're prone to. I'm fine. I'm going to prune that record, mate, from this segment. I'm pruning it. I did want to show everyone a record, but fine. Daddy. Save it.

Mate. Daddy can't be wrong. We do this weekly. I know. So don't spurge all at once. Dribble it out across a few shows. How could someone do that? I mean, one long come for weeks, but it came out in micro in... Stinkered. Micro droplets.

Stinkered probably doing micro droplets. Might have been micro-dosing spunk for days. Just eek it out. I could spunk forever. Spunking out my knob. Was that you doing the police? I hope my dick don't break. Spunking out my knob.

My sex takes hours. I could spunk forever. Joshing off my spot. Are you happy now? Should we just get into this? I'm ready to go straight in, Paul.

We've got a lot to get through today. I'm ready to go straight in. This week's episode is all based around an item we've had sent to us in the PO box. Oh, lovely. We had a lot of things sent in this particular box, so I want to say straight out the gate, if you read this on the show,

please only use my first name, Matt. Matt, thank you very much. You are the lifeblood of this podcast, along with my bad, bad boy attitude. So we're just going to dive straight into it. No more Tongents. No more Tangents as well. Tongents. Tongents.

It's all gone Pete Tongents. I'm a Tongent. I like going down on a lady and they call me the Tongent. Licky, licky. That sounds like halfway between a horse eating and a horse walking. Come on, read the letter. Right.

You said no more Tongents. Tongents. Hello, Cheap Show. I hope these Canadian snacks find you well. I sent an email regarding this earlier. He did. I wanted to provide you with some of and then there's a list of things here um miss vicky's spicy dill pickle chips that

were mentioned in a recent video by ashen's uh i have included these in a few other snacks i will write down a bit about each below fantastic that first item it's giving me a fucking rock hard food hard on in my brain. Good. Like, I'm visualising, I'm manifesting a fucking... You know what it looks like? I can see it now. It's like a penis. What am I manifesting?

Your penis imagery or the snack? The manifest image in my head. Yeah. It's a jade pickle in the shape of a penis. Are they juicing you up proper good? Internally. Right, well, let's get into that then. It's already quite wet. Let's not dilly-dally.

A lot of podcasts dilly-dally, and we're not dilly-dallying this week. So deal with it. Deal crisps with it. The podcast authority bureau said we dilly-dally too much, and so we've been asked to pick up our pace. Last week's episode was far too long. It certainly was. Because it had more tongue gents than it knew what

to do with. Right. Mrs. Vicky's crisps, which sounds itself like a euphemism. Mate, I had sex last night with someone a bit rough and today I've got

Mrs. Vicky's chips all over. Seriously, my penis looks like a batted sausage. Oh, God. Paul, that actually works though,

this one. What? Mrs. Vicky's crisps. Mrs. Vicky's crisps. It could be in the Provanosaurus. It could be... Go on this one. What? Mrs. Vicky's crisps. Mrs. Vicky's crisps. It could be in the Provanosaurus. It could be... Go on.

Tread lightly, darling. The dried leftovers of after a night on the old Rumpy Pumpy. So you're saying, like, the dried spatter of love mist on the thigh... The next day. ...is Mrs. Vicky's crisps. Or it's embedded into the... Into the matted pubes. Basically, spunk and fanny batter...

Dried out spunk and fanny batter um, dried out spunk and fanny batter is now Miss Vicky's Crisps. Mrs. Vicky's Crisps. Right. Mrs. Vicky's Crisps. Oh, I didn't get time

to shower. Sorry. I've got Mrs. Vicky's Crisps coming out my trousers. I've been washing Mrs. Vicky's Crisps off me for hours now.

I've used a Brillo pad. Oh, sorry about that crunchy noise, boss. It's Mrs. Vicky's Crisps. I know it sounds like I'm walking on snow, but actually, my, boss. It's Mrs. Vicky's crisps. I know it sounds like I'm walking on snow, but actually my pubis is covered in Mrs. Vicky's crisps. Right, here we go. The spicy dill pickle is the item I wanted to get to you.

This is one of my favorite flavors. And while a bit diversive, it is pretty common. I think it's one of the best pickle flavored crisps ever. I was sad to see the overall response from Ashen's video. I don't remember that off the top of my head. And I was thinking of Cheap Show

before Ashen's even mentioned it. I guess it's not to everyone's tastes. I knew I had to send some to Cheap Show. Hope you like it. Shall we get cracking? I think Ashen's isn't

really into pickle flavour as much as myself. No, no, not at all. But I don't know if I've seen that episode but whatever it is. I think I have and I think I saw the crisps

and I thought, oh my God, I need. Oh, established in 1987, crafted with love and care. No artificial bloody blues, bloody, bloody, blah. Dear potato chip lover, the first bag of Mrs. Vicky's potato chips

were created in Canada in 1987. And to this day, they're still kettle cooked. I think it is. I'll let you do the honours, mate. I'll be honest with you. I don't have the nose for this. I don't have the right.

Okay. I do not have the right to sniff these. Thanks very much. So these are on you. From 87, that is similar to when the big crisp brands in Britain sort of came through. Golden Wonder. That was the heyday of Golden Wonder. Isn't it?

They would have been around much earlier than that, like 60s, 70s. But isn't it weird to think when you're looking at it, oh, 87, not that old. But then 87, 97, 2007, 17. It's like 35 years or something, isn't it? Fuck me. Oh, my word. Fucking hell. But pretty old, that's my point.

They are pretty old. The brand, not this particular packet. Paul, just one slight tangent. Tangent. Do you remember we tried everything on a digitizer video? We tried those everything. Those were Canadian

as well. Yes. I remember liking those. Mate, if you want to talk about bad boy Maverick crisps, I think Canada might be there.

They seem to be, yeah. They seem to be the little deviants of the crisp family. I'm going to, this time when I go to Florida later

this month, I am going to get some crisps. Great. You're going to bring them back? Is there anything more to that? I'm going to bring back some of these gas stop brands they have out there. We need to do it. I should be a bit more systematic.

Fuck tarkeys. Because you get tarkeys everywhere now. All the tarkeys. Now you need to dig a bit deeper, mate. We had those dragon fruit tarkeys. They weren't that great. They were okay. Go on. Open it up. Give us a that great. They were okay. Go on, open it up. Give us a hoss.

Sniff Miss Vicky's crisps. The thing about Canada, they're so proud of Canada, aren't they? Yeah. I mean, I know some British products have like the Union Jack or whatever on it. Or the Queen's, you know. There's this little Canadian maple leaf on this. Just in case you, right when you're going to open it. Just in case you forgot. Oh, and another thing.

Do you know, Paul? Sorry, I'm just enjoying the moment yeah but you're also like ronnie corbett in this section of something rotten i know sorry i opened a packet of crisps which reminds me i remember my wife saying crisps she had miss vickers crisps or something why do you keep saying Miss Vickers? I don't know. It's Vickies. Miss Vickies crisps. Miss Vickies. Miss Vickies crisps. Mate,

open the fucking back. Stop staring at it. Come on, please. Paul, what I was going to say is I'm getting like segment blue balls. You can see these

have been abroad because it's all sucked in all the air in the packet. So they've been in the air. I will say this, Matt. Your box was impressively packed. It was good, wasn't it? It was all foam segmented

off into bits and bobs. Brilliant, brilliant. Yeah. Right. Oh, yeah. He lies in his happy place. Happy place. Happy place.

Oh, yeah. Oh. Mate, fuck it up. Oh, yeah. It's a lovely, lovely dill pickle with potato coming through at the end of the nose. Very nice. Here, you have a shuffle.

Yeah, pickle. The two sides of chips show there. It's actually quite a sweet, pickly smell, actually. I will say that for it. It has that kind of balsamic vinegar and sweetness to it. There's a sweetness, but there's definitely an astringent vinegar. Oh yeah, there's a very astringent. And a sort of

dilliness as well. But don't dilly or dally, Eli. I'm pouring some out into my hand. Alright, let me just, I'll just get one from the bag because I don't know, I'm not a beast. Right, here's the new rule. They do look kettle style. In appearance, they look all gnarly. Here's the ongoing new deal. We talk, then we eat, then when we've masticated and swallowed,

then we come back to the discussion. Because, mate, when I edit this, it is torture for me. In that case, Paul, I'll see you after the mastication. Let's masticate. And we're back. I quite like them.

Ooh, those are good. Also, it does say on the front, chilli flavour. Spilly, spilly dill pickle no chilli spicy dill pickle yeah see wait

and then it says oh no that's the French it says cornichons just about to mention is there chilli and I can see it on the front of the packet oh there is as well

yeah you're getting that for me that heat really tops off a fucking top flavour profile there for me lovely

it's lovely. It's really got amplitude there, mate. I will say this. It is the first dill pickle crisp I've had that not only did I like, but thought, oh, I'll have another one of them. Usually, they're not for me. They're a bit too astringent. I could go destruction on that, but that's what I like. They've

got that astringent tartness there with the sweetness. And a little bit of spice at the end to give it a bit more body. And the heat at the end and the saltiness, it's all in balance and it has that dill flavour

and it's that dill with the vinegar flavour that really gives it a pickle flavour. It's a really accurate, it's probably one of the most accurate crisps. Yes. It has that nice rounded, straight from the jar pickle bite sensation. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's weird in a crisp because it's a dry product. Oh no, I'm saying, do you know what I mean? It has that nice rounded Straight from the jar Pickle bite sensation Yeah

You know what I mean Which is weird in a crisp Because it's a dry product I'm saying do you know what I mean I do know what you mean though We've got to stop saying it I do know what you mean Do you know what I mean

We've got to stop saying it Those are delicious They are delicious Hold off With the chilli Bang Hold off Because they're still going to be there

I've got another packet of crisps Right And this This mate This might blow your mind too. Where's me bag of tricks? Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, next on the docket is ketchup-flavoured Doritos.

Oh, yeah. Look, I'm having a fucking meltdown. All right, calm down. Let me read this out. Look at that old-school Doritos packaging. It looks like a 60s, 70s. I don't even know if you were around then. It doesn't.

It looks 50s, doesn't it? It's that sort of 50s housewife, for want of a better word. Sort of housewife product. 50s housewife product. I mean, I know what you're scratching at, but Christ, that was a bad analogy. You could have just said it looked like a retro pack of crisps. It's a retro pack, everyone. Here's what he says here.

I don't agree with the sex politics of 1950s America, by the way. There were a lot of housewives there. I'm not advocating for a return to housewifery, okay? Housewifery? Right, let me read this out. Ketchup flavour crisps are the main flavour I associate

as being unique to Canada. That and the all-dressed. You know, the one we had on the digitiser where it was all flavors kind of thing. That's the one I meant earlier when I mentioned Paul. Thank you. So I made sure to include a good quality ketchup crisp in this shipment. I think the ketchup Doritos are a solid chip for this,

but these are not uniquely as Canadian as I thought. I decided to stop at a British import store on the way back from buying these. So to try and get some of the brands mentioned on Cheap Show since it was on my mind. As I walked into the store, I saw a shelf of Walker's branded ketchup chips. Not so uniquely Canadian after all.

As an aside, I would like to thank Cheap Show for the detailed info on UK brands. I got some beef monster munch, and I have to say, it's a fine snack. It really is. It's one of our greatest cultural exports. It really is, and I'm glad you've discovered it. So, Eli, give us the Huff Report on these ketchup Doritos.

I mean, he's saying that it's not as unique to Canada the ketchup because we, but it's never really taken hold, ketchup as a stable

crisp flavour here. No. Apparently in Germany and other parts of the middle Europe, it's big there, isn't it? I don't really know.

No, it's listed. I'll tell you then. I'll tell you. In parts of germany around there you'd say what are the crisp flavors the way we'd say ready salted what are the crisp flavors buddy well we have the salt and vinegar we has already salted we have tomato ketchup we have cheesy but we also have we like the tomato ketchup hey my friend come here come over here between you and me yeah the tomato ketchup so trashy my friend, come over here. Come over here, buddy. Between you and me,

the tomato ketchup is so trashy. You're not so terrible. You've got to love it, honey, baby. Terrible. I don't love it. No, 99999. It's a great crisp. Hey, I don't love it.

I don't love it. Yeah, baby. Well, just try this out for me, honey child. Don't call me baby. Come on, honey child. We'll try it out right now, baby sweet tits.

I'm going to take the huff on this ketchup Doritos. Come on, baby. I'll cover you in this Vicky's crisps. This Vicky's crisps. This Vicky's crisps. Oh, you can have Parmesan or I could just... Rub you.

Just comb my crisps out. Oh, yeah. Right. I do like the retro packaging on this. Tell you what, I wish they had a brand called Head and Shoulders and Fucking Pubis. What could they do with that kind of dandruff had a brand called Head and Shoulders and Fucking Pubis. Because what could they do with that kind of dandruff, doubtless?

Head and Shoulders and Pubis. That would be good. That would be well good. I mean, it's real. That's truly what it is. It really is, yeah. Honesty in advertising, please. Go on.

They should have called him Timotay fucking Teenage Boy Wank Serum, shouldn't they? I don't know if that catches along quite as well. That's what I used to use, anyway. Timothy's Timothee. Now, one little other thing about this retro packet. Look at that.

They've even got the old school Frito-Lay logo. Oh, yeah, they have. Nice. In the corner. Good. Because it's all one conglomerate company now. And also, quick question, it's a tortilla chip, right? So, theoretically, does it class itself as a chip or also, quick question, it's a tortilla chip, right? So theoretically,

does it class itself as a chip or is it a tortilla? It's a tortilla chip. Doritos invented the whole concept of these. Yeah. It's not an original

piece of like Mexican cuisine. Well, just give us the fucking off. I'm hoping for like a nice deep tomato-y little bit of vinegar.

Mmm. Oh, the Dorito a little bit of vinegar. Mmm. Oh, the Dorito was first made in 1964. Yes. Obviously, you had plain ones in Mexico, but they were... Come on. I'm just getting a lot of stale corn off that, not a great load of huff, actually, Paul.

No, there's not a lot of smell there. But I am going to have a little... They're going to be ketchup-flag coloured. Are the chips themselves a different size and shape? No, they're about the same. They're just small tortilla shape. All right, so these have a nice dusting of red powder. Right, let's get them down our gullet.

They are fine. I like those a lot. I'm not a huge fan of tomato flavour full stop. I like ketchup flavoured things. Yeah, I'm not in that boat. Obviously not as amazing as Miss Vicky's. Five out of five for those. Really?

And that's a dill pickle chip. me. Let me be more poor gannon about it. It's a 4.3.2. 4.3.2 and I'm going to say 4.9. It's a really good snack. I like that. What about the Doritos? Perfectly fine. Not my cup of tea. A flat three for me.

A flat three for you and I'm going to go up to 3.5 because they're absolutely fine. I could smash those as well you, and I'm going to go up to 3.5, because they're absolutely fine. I could smash those as well. Well, I'm going to let Eli smash Mrs. Vicky's crisps, and we'll come back to you after this delightful sound effect that breaks up the segments of this podcast. I hope you enjoy it, everyone. This one's a particular favourite of mine. I hope you like the cash till.

Oh, are we going to have the cash till? It's my favourite. Is it? No. Wow. What a great sound effect, everybody. What a fantastic sound effect. And hey, you stuck around.

Thanks for staying with us. It's time for another segment. This time we're digging into chocolate selection from Matt's box. I'm looking forward to this chocolate selection from Matt's box. What has he got for us on the chocolate selection front, Paul? The first one is called Eat More, the original dark toffee peanut chew. Right. Is this a famous Canadian thing?

Let me read out Matt's description of this thing. It says, this is a pretty basic candy bar. Peanut and toffee is a winning combo. I've always been amused by the name Eat More. It sounds more like an instruction. I remember buying them when I was young because they weighed 52 grams while the other cheap candy bars were close to 45. So yeah, it's a simple bar.

No chocolate, which is strange. Wait, what is it? Is it not chocolate? It says dark toffee. Oh no, dark toffee, poffy too. It's just toffee and nut. It's a bit structurally strange because there's no distinct border to it. It just could go on forever. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like a...

Stop saying that. Let's eat it. It's very nice. It's a very roasted flavour. The roasted peanuts and the dark toffee. There's a lot kind of... It's a molasses-y,

sweet, nutty kind of bite. To me, it's very similar to just the inside of a marathon or snickers that's essentially what it is no i'm agreeing with you but i'm also waiting for you to stop chewing and talking at the same time like a fucking pig just because i enjoy my food just because you enjoy your food doesn't mean i have to hear you enjoying it it's been a hard day on the trail of maverick podcasting what else else have you done? What else have you done as a Maverick podcaster today? I've tied up my ponies. I've tied up my metaphorical ponies.

I'm sitting in the dirt. So you've done nothing then? I've got my pan going. And I've got my gruel and my mixed oats and stuff. And your ponies are taken care of. Your tin of beans. So you're a cowboy? I've got my special comb and I'm because you get terrible Vicky's crisps on the road.

You get terrible build-up of Vicky's crisps. Going back to that well a bit too much, aren't you? A callback? You asked me to do a callback? I do the callbacks on this show. Do you? Yeah. So that was perfectly nice.

Perfectly nice. Four for me. I mean, I like it. Yeah. Silly name, Eatmore. Desperate. Here's another silly name for you because this next bar, this next chocolate

bar is called a Big Turk Bar. It is a chocolate covered turkey. Oh, fuck. Turkish Delight candy. Oh, this looks good. I think the Turkish Delight tastes more like generic gummy candy. It has never been a favourite of mine. I think the flavours clash, but it's

an interesting Canadian snack nonetheless. I fucking hate this shit. So generally, like, confectionery level, sort of corner shop level Turkish delight... Like roses. It's like roses. Or fries, whatever it is. Fries it is, yeah.

That's the famous one we have in this country. Isn't that what Turkish delight is? Like a rose gummy? No, Turkish delight can refer to all sorts of different flavoured fruit and gelatin things they do. Because there's no chocolate on the real Turkish delight. No, that'sight can refer to all sorts of different flavoured fruit and gelatin things they do. Because there's no chocolate on the real Turkish Delight. No, that's what I mean.

Real Turkish Delight comes in different fruit flavours. That's a British affectation or something, isn't it? Like when the British started adding milk to tea, it was like, well, that's how it's done. That company fries just sort of, yeah, it's a sort of ersatz sort of pretend. Oh, they're little chunks, are they? I love this stuff. I really love it. I hate this stuff.

Okay, mastication break. I'm not a huge fan of a mixture of gummy and chocolate, but I'm going to bite a bit off. Just swallow it down. It won't get down. I hate that. I really like that. It won't go down. I hate that. I really like that. I can't.

No. Oh, that's lovely. No. I love the texture. I love the chocolate. It's like an... It's an elongated Fries Turkish Delight,

but chewier. Yeah. Oh, not for me. What's wrong with it? I'm just... I don't like the mix of gooey... I mean, with chocolate. With chocolate. Oh, not for me. What's wrong with it? I don't like the mix of gooey fruit with chocolate. It's not for me. Wow.

So what score would you give that? One. It's not bad. It's not like bad ingredients and a bad flavour. I just don't like it. I like it. Four for me. Is that the last chocolate?

No, we got one more. Unfortunately, it looks like more muck of the similar kind. Oh, great. It's a similar kind. Oh, great. It's a cherry blossom. Oh! This one comes in an interesting package, says Matt. I don't see many individually boxed candy bars, let alone the fact that this is not strictly a bar.

I think these are more obscure, even in Canada, as few people I know seem to know about them. They were pretty common a few years ago, but when I bought these ones, I could only find them at one store in the entire city i live in very cool i think they are a treat i really enjoy the show and i'm glad to contribute something to it i hope you enjoy at least some of the items included well thank you matt we're still wading through matt we have i mean i loved the crisps those dill crisps i really like the doritos ketchup flavor i like both of those bars.

I've liked it all. Some of it's been bad. Some of it just hasn't been for me. And this looks like a walnut whip, but I imagine it's got a huge big blob of cherry in the middle. Yeah. Like a glass A thing. Right.

Shall I get a knife so I can cut this in half? You know what, mate? Eli, I'm going to let you eat this, because let's play this out, right? Let's think about this. I put it in my mouth. I nearly vomit and everyone laughs. And though I'm denying everyone a laugh,

I'm denying myself that horrible feeling of my stomach lurching towards my throat. No, I'm not having any. I don't want any. I'm not. Whoa, whoa. You've cut it in half and it looks like a scab wrapped in chocolate.

I just want to reveal to you the inwards, my chocolate cherry bomb. Mate, I would love to get in between your legs and split your cherry blossom. Now, this doesn't look... It's more liquid, the internal, than like a Turkish Delight thing. It's got very sort of cheap chocolate smell.

It looks like a glace cherry inside a kind of Toblerone kind of shell. Yeah, there's no cherry. It's just some liquid. Ingredients. Sucre. No, it's all in French. God damn it, Canada.

Oh no, there's another one. Sugar. Weirdly, I can't find the word cherry in this fucking list. What's in the middle of it? It's just an artificial cherry goop. That's strange. The peanut is a strange addition, but one that I enjoy. Oh, wait there. No, hang on. It says here. What's that word? Mascapino cherry.

Mascapone. No. Masacino. Mash your peanut on it says here what's that word mascapino cherry mascapone no masachino oh mash mash your pinot cherry don't mash my pinot

mash your pinot cherry maraschino maraschino what does that mean again like a type of candied

cherry so what how is it there's a cherry liqueur called maraschino as well oh yes there is that's the one that

comes in that ball in a ball is that maraschino yeah maybe I think there's a cherry liqueur called maraschino as well. Oh, yes, there is. That's the one that comes in that ball. In a ball. Is that maraschino? Yeah, I think it might be. I think this is very nice, I have to say. What notes, flavour notes? Well, it's the sweetest of the items we've tasted so far, by a long way.

It's very sweet. That kind of, like you describe as that sort of sharp sweetness, it's got some of that. Yes. That overly sugared sort of thing. So it's got that, but then fighting against that overly sugared sort of yeah so it's got that but then fighting against that almost immediately is a nice peanut butter sort of really yeah it's a peanut buttery i've never heard of smoky peanut buttery cutting through that

and then there's a cherry a nice cherry top note at the back i actually really like it oh good because it's like a weird uh two yeah i'll save that one you can add the other one yeah because i ain't touching it and i think matt is right that is something you don't usually see like a weird two, yeah. I'll save that one for later. You can have the other one, yeah, because I ain't touching it. And I think Matt is right. That is something you don't usually see. Like, what? It's not a bar. It's Hershey's as well. Oh, wow.

It says there, Hershey's. That's what the chocolate, that's that over-sweet Hershey's sort of flavour. Yeah. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Hershey's chocolate. I tend to find it waxy and flavourless, but that's just me. It's got that waxy, flavourless sweetness. What have I said about eating and talking? Sorry.

Don't say sorry. Don't do it again. If you do it again I will take your cherry blossom. Okay. I'll take all of this away if you cross me. Take my crisps away.

I'll take Mrs Vicky's crisps away. I'll take Doritos ketchup. I'll take everything away from you, mate. Oh, look at him drinking his Red Bull ignoring me drinking it like a cherub.

You'd make a nice cherub. Stick some wings on you. I would play a cherub. Stick some wings on you, put you in a nappy. Did I tell you? What? That job.

The short film. Oh, yeah? What's happened with that? Didn't get it. Oh, no. I mean, don't get me wrong. Behind the scenes, me and Eli have been

talking about this a lot, but I'm not sad you didn't get it because the words problematic spring to fucking mind when I read that script. Fucking... and my agent forwarded me the email where they told me i hadn't got it with one word cunts so she's obviously on my side with this oh no she said that about them or she admittedly i thought that's a very bad thing to an agent to say to

them yeah cunt you lost out no she thinks they were obviously yeah they fucking messed you around and they kept promising you this that and the other and it was so terrible the copy of their rejection email as well

because it was like just assure your client that he is on our radar and we're looking forward to it and it's like fuck off

you know what I mean you're on my radar the cunt radar and the cunt radar is pinging right off when I was in that meeting with you, my radar was fucking going off like a war zone. Wankers.

Anyway. Wankers. I'll give that a three. A flat three. A flat three. Well, there's the chocolate segment. It was nice at first, but it got sickly quickly. Not worst at first, but got sickly quickly.

I like that. I like that. Got sickly quickly, but it wasn't the worst at first. No. It is unusual. What product category do we call that? Because Hazel, what do we have here? Like the walnut whip.

Yeah. I mean, it's a vastly different flavour profile, but yeah. But it's still a similar object. A chocolate lump as opposed to a bar. It's a candy, I guess. Just a candy. Yeah, but an individual chocolate ball-shaped candy. It needs a product displacement.

We need to invent a name for it. Yeah. A chocoblob. Chocoblob. Chocoblob. Chocoblob. Chocoblob. Chocoblob. It needs a product displacement. We need to invent a name for it. Yeah. A chock-a-blob. Chock-a-blob. Chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-blob. Chock-a-blob. Chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-blob. Chock-a-blob.

Chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-blob. Chock-chock-a-chock-a-blob. Chock-chock-a-chock-a-blob. Chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-chock-a-blob. Hello, sir. Can I have some chocolate? Not today. I'm on the chock-a-blob.

What does that mean? Period. They are on their period. So, wait. Let me get this straight. In a sweet shot run by a woman, she can't serve chocolate. They are on their period. So wait, let me get this straight. In a sweet shot rum by a woman, she can't serve chocolate on her days on the period. I don't know, man.

I don't know. I can't serve you chocolate today, for I have missed Vicky's Christmas. Anyhow, not very good. Is that it? Let me just queef out a blob of cherry blossom for you, darling. There you go, darling. I like the packaging.

The Patrick is very retro. A nice selection from Matt there. Thank you very much. Yes, but we have a few more things after the break to get to. So let's do that right about now. I'll do a sound effect. No, we don't need... I have sound effects.

Someone banging on a piece of money. Banging on a piece of money. I've got money sound effects, mate. What's that? Oh, it's the money guy scraping a box along. Sound effect by Eli Silverman. So is that all you've got? He's going to scrape your spoon over his table?

I'm just playing a playful mood, you know. I've got to let in the vibe, the muse, the magic. I go, oh, it's been a long day on the podcast trail I'll hang up my my chaffs and my boot pieces and I've I've used up my razor to to sharpen it on a piece of leather and now I'm waiting for the muse to come in and release podcast musings it's a little thing that you might want to know right now I'm sitting on a box of eggs worth of shit in my arse a sloppy gloopy mess

oh I see right and here's the thing go take a shit mate I think I would rather shit my pants here and now than listen to whatever it is you're about to say

and continue to say so I am more than happy to foul myself don't foul yourself not on that chair and leave a bit of a you're threatening poo poo protest

put some big turd in my trousers hey big turd big turd more like although if my turd has some red centre then I need to go to the fucking doctors

and we're pounding away at Matt's box in this week's episode Matt's box is being thoroughly pounded by Eli and I right now and i hope i hope you're enjoying it matt thank you the next items in this box are noodle based oh yeah and eli's happy in noodle town now this is strictly speaking not an eli's country urban

noodle kitchen segment what would you want to define this as a sojourn to the segment well it's just matt's box has noodles in. You know, it's noodle crossover moment. Oh, well, Matt's noodle box. Matt's noodle offering. Well, he had crisps in there as well, so it wouldn't be a noodle box. Don't worry about what it's called. Let's just eat some noodles, Paul.

All right, yeah. Well, if Eli the Noodle King wants to just roll on with this, then I'm happy to roll along with it. Let's roll along the podcast trail. So here's the first thing we're going to mention. We're not going to make or eat these, but I did think it was interesting what he sent. So he sent basically instant cup noodles, chicken flavor.

There's nothing remarkable about that. And the brand's called No Name. They are extremely standard item then, isn't it? And is that a big thing in Canada? So let me read this out. This is what Matt says. This is a stall brand of the common Canadian grocery chain No Frills, which literally calls itself No Name. The interesting thing about the noodle is not the noodle itself,

but the fact that the packaging is utilitarian as possible. The No Name brand always has a simple bag, box, or cup, colored bright yellow with no graphics, marketing copy, or anything beyond the brand name, product type, and basic info like ingredients on the back. The brand identity for No Name is the generic store brand, rather than trying to look as close to the on-brand packaging as possible without causing legal issues. It also matches the stores, which generally have a bright yellow signage and lots of yellow in the interior. However,

some of the newer products like this cup noodle deviate a little bit and include a simple graphic on the front. The packaging as a whole is very generic which is to say not excellent on its own but acceptable with an egg spring onion or hot sauce now paul the closest equivalent we'd have to something that is this sort of um simply and generically across the whole range packaged would be tesco basics remember those yes the old ad with the old white packaging with the kind of weird red and blue it had a red and blue and white symbol but they were all very similar and plain weren't they in a similar way to this and i agree with matt they kind of ruined it the utilitarian aesthetic of this by including the graphic well it's a photograph of the product yeah that messes

up the whole appearance and the whole sort of uh standard util plain utilitarian vibe do you agree with that i have agreement i think it's mostly down to the fact that i think some people still need to see what's in it they need to know yeah you know perhaps they don't speak english or french there's also that all of these products have got french language on is that right every single one because in Canada I mean I don't know where in Canada Matt lives but I mean it might be like Wales

like Wales have a certain amount of you don't want to get into it the politics there not politics just the way the language works like

when I was at Aberystwyth University I think like 30% of the stuff we put out or certainly like anything we put out in the magazine had to also have

Welsh language and the radio shows that we did had to have welsh language programming in so i imagine if you're selling things in canada full stop you probably have to put french on it as well i i think there are some quite strict laws about having uh bilingual uh yeah things going on in canada i mean in france itself famously% of everything that was broadcast on the radio had to be in French language, which is why groups like the Beatles did Michel. Michel, my boy.

Le twist, un shout. I think they did do someone's name. Why not? Le twister and whatever shout is. We all live in a vac. You put yellow. Jeune. Jeune.

Jeune. What submarine? What? Hang on. I need to work this out. So stupid. Sous-marine. What about we all live?

Hang on. Tous les alois habiter dans le. Oh, wait. There's yellow submarine lyrics in French. Hang on. Tous aux lalois habitaient dans le... Oh, wait, there's yellow submarine lyrics in French. Yay! Right, hang on. Okay. Dans la ville, le jour, le six-nié,

vivent les hommes, les queens, naviguent pour le lard... Just do the chorus. Nous vivons tous dans notre submarine. Yay! Submarine jaune. Submarine jaune. Nous vivons tous dans le... Submarine jaune submarine jaune submarine jaune nous vivons

tout en 92 72 submarine jaune now let's do the sound effects bit

all around all around no you've got to do it in french c'est de bon c'est de bon monceau monceau

le petit Disney the petit Disney my pubis is covered in Miss Vicky's crisps. Covered in Miss Vicky's crisps. Covered in Miss Vicky's crisps. It's a snowstorm of bits of dried spunk. Bits of dried spunk.

Bits of dried spunk. And the spunk is floating down. It comes out the sky and it tastes brown. Weird. And it goes into my eye. And that spunky makes me cry. We all spunked in an old man's dirty eye. An old man's dirty eye.

An old man's dirty eye. Interesting. Anyway, interesting. So here's the thing we are going to try on the podcast today because I do think it is the most interesting. We don't know how this is going to pan out, but I have in my hand a piece of paper. It's got a box in his hand.

It is Cheetos mac and cheese flaming hot flavour. So it's not just mac and cheese. It's not just Cheetos mac and cheese. It's not just Cheetos mac and cheese. It's Flaming Hot Cheetos mac and cheese flavoured instant noodles. Now, Paul, before we go ahead, full disclosure, I've had this in the States.

Well, that's good, because I haven't, so you're at least a bit prepared. But I didn't have this. I had the instant version, where you just poured hot water on. But this, we have to put butter and milk, and we have to prepare the shit out of it. This is how the Kraft ones worked, in my remembrance.

It's exactly like a Kraft one, yeah. Let me just read this out quickly. So Cheetos mac and cheese. So in the Ashen's video that inspired this package, I don't want Ashen's sloppy drop-offs. Look, just being happy we've got... Ashen's has got his own empire. I don't want us to live in the shadow of Ashen's.

We can't get out of the shadow of Ashen's, and we love him. We love Stuart. We love Stuart. We adore Stuart. Without Stuart, this podcast wouldn't be anywhere near as successful as it is.

Good, so just drop it. But we can't keep living in this shadow. Let's start the episode again. Let's jettison this episode. We can't just keep on taking what people see on this channel

and asking for our opinion on it. Why are you doing that? He's having a little bit of a... Oh, the headphones are off. Paul, what might bring you back? I've spunked into the sea

and I lick it up. Why would you spunk into the sea and then slurp the spryny mess back? Because I'm mad. I think you're confusing maverick for the word deranged.

Right. It's a thin line. So in the Ashen's video that inspired this package he tried the classic Canadian craft dinner. I do not just want to send you everything Ashen's tried

and since this is Cheap Show I found the worst knockoff I could. This is a Cheetos branded product so it was originally far too expensive for what it is but I found it for 99 cents which is about 60p in a discount store a few weeks later. Oh, great. Very cheap.

On my Kraft dinner, this seems to have a very artificial colour and I find it vaguely off-putting. So, yes. Yes, you sir at the back with the hand up. Yes, you. Thank you. Kraft dinner. There's this whole sort of cult. They call it a Kraft dinner, which is Kraft mac and cheese. Yeah. They call it a Kraft dinner in Canada.

Because it became synonymous, didn't it, with that kind of latchkey kid thing, I think. Or sort of like what a pot noodle is for students here, that sort of thing. I would argue, though, honestly, I would much rather have a Kraft mac and cheese instant noodle pack than a pot noodle any day. Pot noodles are a terrible brand.

I mean, there's a certain amount of comfort to that. I don't, like chicken and mushroom, there's a certain comfort foodiness to that. You've got to like chicken and mushroom, there's a certain comfort foodiness to that, that I kind of... You've got to be real hungry, though. And you don't want to linger, you know? But, mate, when it comes to dirty filth that you fucking love,

a Kraft mac and cheese instant noodle is just... Well, now, yeah, you're going to love this. I have to say... You're going to love this. I have to say, when I tasted the instant version of this... Yeah. It was the red hot version as well. All right, well then, I'll tell you what. Let's not...

Dirty, dirty. Let's not dilly-dally. Dirty good. Oh, dirty good. Splash on the water, the butter and the milk, and we'll come back. Oh, what bus are you waiting for? The 27?

Oh, do you know what? It's dirty. It's so good. I'm waiting for the bus number 37. Oh, it's a dirty dirty 37. I get on the 444 and then the dirty seven. The 444? And then I have a one-to-one

and that gets me back to hatch end and then I get the 93 back to I'm talking shit. Let's just get this fucking noodle on. Well, you haven't said anything on how we're going to prepare it. I just did, but you were talking over me by doing all those weird sex sounds. Read it out. We will be preparing this noodle

off air. You will need six cups of water, or 1.4 litres. 1.4 litres? That's a huge amount. 1.4 L. That's right, isn't it? What? What else could L be? That's so much fucking water, man. Two

tablespoons, or 40 milligrams of butter or margarine and then four tablespoons, 60 mil of milk. Boil up six cups of water. Add pasta. Cook for seven minutes or till tender, stirring occasionally. Drain the pasta, but do not rinse. Says that in Cap Locks. Don't rinse it, no.

Keep it hot. Return to pan. Then add the butter until it melts. Then add milk. And then add the Cheetos seasoning mix. That's where the magic happens. That is where the magic happens. There is instructions here for microwave.

We will be doing it the good old-fashioned way. Thanks for briefing me there, Paul. I'm ready to get my... Thanks for beefing you. Briefing me. Oh, I'll beef you. Thank you. And I'll eat a load of

those fucking Miss Vicky's crisps all over your ass good seriously I'll make your bum hole like a rabid dog mouth you'll do something

to my bum hole like a drooling fucking otter's gob I don't know right let's do this rabid otter's gob. Right, we're back. And hey, if you're a Patreon supporter,

you'll have seen us in the kitchen making this muck. But now we're going to eat it. It is the Cheetos mac and Cheese Flaming Hot Edition, and we've made it as per instructions. Now, something I haven't ever seen, Paul, was just a normal... Have you stolen my craft meal? No, that's just, I've got bad bones. You've stolen my craft. You could have just had it.

No, I've got to steal it, otherwise I don't want it. Me either. All right. I'm going just had it. No. I've got to steal it, otherwise I don't want it. Me, though. All right. I'm going to fuck it. Because I had... You'd have no idea how much I love this stuff, mate. I'm going to rub it on my jinky. I can get it round here.

Can you? Yeah. Oh, then I don't want it. If it's easily accessible and I can't steal it from you and it's priceless, then I'm not interested. It's cheap stuff, isn't it? That's my whole point. Anyway. This is, I have before me, Paul, a bowl of quite disturbingly red, they are twisters, little twisters.

Yes, whatever that pasta. They're not macaroni. Tortellini? Rigatoni. Is it corkscrews? No. I haven't seen any normal, not red hot flavoured Cheetos. Do you know what it looks like to me in the bowl?

It looks like one of those Barber Demon movies where they gut someone and it all spills out on the floor and that's the innards. It looks like B-movie blood. It's very bright red. So we're going to try and taste this now. And here we go. Mac and cheese, flaming hot, in the gob.

Ooh, I don't know how I feel on that. It's kind of alright, but at the same time, I don't know if I feel on that. It's kind of all right, but at the same time, I don't know if I can eat a whole bowl of that. It's a bit too much. Too spicy. I was happy with the spice. It didn't feel like

it was going to be there at first because you kind of get the mac and cheesy part first. Yeah. And then the heat hits you at the back and I'm like, oh, all right, fair enough.

So why do you think you couldn't get through a lot of it? I think it's because of the texture, I think, and because if it was just the mac and cheese as is i feel that my brain would be in a place to process the flavors better but because it's bright red and the cheese doesn't really work that much with the spices the flaming hot elements cheese and chili is a combination made in heaven it is but sometimes

it works better than others and in this, I'm kind of a bit like, it's all right for a bite or two, couldn't eat the whole thing. You wouldn't go for it. You wouldn't choose it. It's not vile, but it's not. Paul, can I say what I think? Yes. Yes?

I agree with all of those points. All right, that's good. But there's something so dirty good, so moorish, so mouth-cracky about it for me. It's a dirty fucking... I want to go back. Yeah, go back. I want to go back again and again.

Why don't you go back? I'll watch you fuck it. Go on, fuck that bowl with your mouth. I would not do that. Eat it all now. Eat it, eat it all now. Get that dirty, red, dirty, fucking cheesy,

hot slop in your gob. It's not going to be hot forever, is it? Yeah, get it in while it's hot. Slide it in. Fucking yes, mate. You should see what I'm seeing. I'm fucking tensing. A middle-aged man eating a very

weirdly flavoured bowl of passion fruit. Mate, the bat's out of the belfry. I know that for a fucking fact right now. The bat's out of the belfry. He's come out for blood. Come out for his nightly hunt for blood. I don't like these physical mutations that have happened to you because of his soda. It's mostly bad at night

because my dick needs blood and it wants to kind of bite someone on the neck. I think actually it's not that bad. I think I've got vampire of the balls. Vampirism of the balls, mate. Have you... Because I know Juicy Jeremy mentioned that the teeth might start trying to eat the balls.

Have you had any of that? No, the teeth fell out, but they have become fangs. I'm beginning to think that my genitalia is slowly turning into a Dracula. A Nosferatu. That's actually much better than the instant version. Knob-Feratu.

I've got Knob-Feratu at the balls. Oh, God. Anyway, watching him eat that is an arousing experience. It's kind of like, I'm flexing and pulsing. Paul, I have something actual to say. Do you? It's nicer with the proper fresh milk and the margarine.

Works better than just the instant. I had it in a pot noodle. Oh, you had a different version of this? Because you did say you'd had it before, but was that a kind of straight in the pot, hot water thing? It was a pot noodle version, and this is much nicer. I imagine it would be because of the addition of the milk and the butter, which makes it a kind of nice mouthfeel is better. Yeah, it makes it more like an nice mouthfeel is better. Yeah.

It makes it more like an actual product, an actual food product. Yeah, it's all right. Anyway, get it in. Oh, I was just a bit sick in my throat then. What score would you give it? Oh, I mean, if I'm going to be objective, it's a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty teeth of a meal. But I was going to, I don't know, I would say,

I'm going to give it a flat three again. Because for me, it's not my cup of tea. I don't think I could eat the whole thing. But for what it is, if you like that kind of thing, have fun. But it doesn't have the satisfaction as a mac and cheese craft at all. It doesn't have that dirty, sitting alone in the couch and just you underpants watching YouTube videos and you're scoffing it down and it's cold outside

and the wind's blowing but you're all wrapped up in blankie. I don't know where I was going with that. Basically, it's dirt nosh. You were going to a wanking bit. I wasn't going to go to a wanking bit. Why did you have the blanket on then? What are you doing under there? Nothing, it just keeps me warm.

You're trying to hide your shame from me. I would never hide my shame from you. If I'm ever going to stroke off in front of you, you are getting front row seats for the show. You're going to have to wear a cagoule, mate, if you're on the front fucking row. Every day, every week, week after week, spunk after spunk,

wank after spunk. Wank after wank. And with those words, cheap show ended forever. I'd say four. It's fine for what it is. For a dirt, dirt meal like that, you have to rank it within its own parameters, right? Yes, but what I find disturbing

is the way that Cheetos and red hot Cheeto flavour has seemed to take over the world. Every single thing. You get popcorn in American theatres. We have hot spices on it now. With Cheeto branded. Red hot branded. You get Cheetos actually on the popcorn

as well as special Cheetos red hot flavoured butter. I've also seen that when you buy nachos and shit at cinemas now and it can't just be nachos. It has to be Dorito flavoured cool blue whatever flavour. It's corporatised.

Fast food is so much more corporatised than it used to be. But it also suggests that you're not going to buy it unless you see a brand name attached to it to make it kind of feel

like it's a better load of shit you put in your mouth than just... It's the same shit except this one's got a nice bit of corporate branding slapped on it. But it's doing the business

in my mouth hole I'll tell you that much. I But it's doing the business in my mouth hole, I tell you that much. I'd like to do the business in your mouth hole, mate. I'd like to leave your beard full of the remnants of Miss Vicky's crisps. Hey, and that's the button. Which is what this episode's going to be called, frankly, at this point now. Miss Vicky's crisps. So it's either going to be mistaken for a brand corporate promotion or people will recognise it as the grisly, spoff-laden, matted pair of...

Oh, just as you were eating that, I had to mention spunk-matted pubis. Spunk-matted pubis. Mum, Mum, I'm making a salad. Do you have any of that textured soy protein? Mum, Mum, I'm making a salad. Do you have any of that textured soy protein? That's not the kind of textured soy protein I wanted. It's spunk-matted pubis.

That's that segment. Don't do it. Remembering times like past times, Paul's Paula past times. Remember the games of the past. The memories will last. So let's sit down and cross our legs and look at Daddy Paul. He's got a little game on and we will play them all. It's Paul's parlour. Past times, parlour. Past times, remember the past.

The past, the parlour. Parlour. Past times. That might be the most tragic thing I've done on this podcast. It could be. I mean, it could be. The tragedy continues. Daddy Paul's got a gang for you.

Would you like to... Is Bill Donut singing this? No. It's Paul singing this. Sounds like Bill Donut. Hey, maybe they're the same person, limited in their range and imagination. I think what this segment needs, Paul, it needs something punchy that the youth will get into.

You know, a bit punky, a bit of attitude, a bit of the maverick energy that I could bring. You say we're not appealing to a younger market with this. Yes. Should I have a pass at it? Because I'm kind of more like... I'll give you something, just a sketch of what the kind of thing I'm thinking of, yeah? All right, because I'm thinking like, you know...

HE SINGS HE SINGS HE SINGS HE SINGS HE SINGS HE SINGS HE SINGS Paul's pastimes no I'm looking for more Muffin the Mule kind of stuff

he's like come on everybody play with Daddy Paul's games Daddy Paul sitting on the floor and understanding the rules and it's a fun time and the lollipops are nice

let's play the game Paul's pastimes and rice Ah fuck that! Grandad! It's poop pasta! Poop pasta! Oh fuck it shut it on the floor! Pass the milk to Daddy Paul it's time to sup our milk and play the game that Mummy said

would turn us out of silk and if you like it now we'll play the games of fun. We'll bend over and pull the pastimes out of daddy's bum. I am fighting! Fucking shine the floor, bastard! Spare me all

the fucking floor! On the top floor! Shit floor! Bastard! You know, we're going to have to agree to disagree on it because I kind of like my soft approach. That's nice for daddy. We'll just see. We'll see what plays.

Right, we are playing a little pastime today. Just to wrap this show up tonight, rather than talk about food all the time, I thought I'd bring a little game along. And this is one I got in a charity shop for £2. It's called You Be The Judge, the game of real-life court dramas. Ooh, it's a card game.

It's a very simple game. It's with teams originally. You play it, you discuss the things, blah, blah, blah. Party game. But effectively... You just find the special dice on the floor. We don't have to worry about the dice. So, You Be The Judge contains 200 fascinating real court cases

from around the world and stretching back over the years. Cases involving Scottish puppies, London floods, cannibalism and rattlesnakes. Can you or your team compete to solve the cases and correctly predict how they were judged in a court of law? So I've got, there's like 200 court cases here with actual outcomes. And the point of the game is just to guess the outcome of the... It's that simple. I'm going to read you out a court case, Eli,

and then you'll say if they ruled for or against the plaintiff. That's it? That's it. So it's a binary? It's binary. I could toss a coin I'd get it half right the time you could

you could toss I'd get it half right the time you would be half right half no you can't be half right half the time because that's only a quarter

of the time you'd be right that's only a quarter right chance is 50-50 isn't it is it well on a fair coin yeah

might be odd to that right okay moving on don't get me started look if people come to this podcast for facts, data, and all that kind of stuff,

they're not going to get it. I come for data. Sugar Daddy's data makes a lot of data. Come on, Mitch. Come on, Mitch.

Right, so I've picked out cases from this game that I think would tickle your brain buds. Do I get petwings or it's not a petwing game? You know what or it's not a petwing game?

You know what, it's not a petwing game. Well, let me give you petwings anyway because it's been a long day. Thanks. Christ. Right, so here's the first case. It's called the case of the clungy... Clungy?

No. That sounds like my kind of case. The case of the clungy clergyman. No, clumsy clergyman. Clumsy clergyman. I will read out the case and then ask you how it was ruled for at the end of it. Are you ready?

Judge Eli. One second, Paul. Yes. If I just could, I don't have to ask you if I'm the judge. I say what I like. Yes. And they all rise. All rise for Judge Silverman as he enters. I'm rising. I'm going to let me get up. You can be seated Thank you

Thank you Judge Now Counsel Yes sir Yes my lord What do they say My lord Yeah

They say that now They say my lord No they say my lord Do they still say my lord In the High Court I believe they still say my lord And this is a High Court I'm in a high chair Because I'm such a short arse.

Now. Stinky joke. Stinky poor, poor. This whole episode has been full of very poor wordplay. That's fine. It's good. It's part of the course. You can approach the bench.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Just a little note before we start. When you said clumsy clergyman. Yeah. I thought. I said clungy clergyman. But then the actual title. Yeah, clumsy clergyman. I thought... I said clungy clergyman. Then the actual title.

Yeah, clumsy clergyman. I thought to myself, bit of politics, bit of politics. Is he a Catholic priest? I haven't read the card properly yet. And he's clumsy as in he fell over and... I'm just going to edit all that out. You've made it worse. Right, the clungy clergyman.

The clungy clergyman. You may continue. A clergyman was visiting a sick member of his congregation in hospital when he slipped on wet wax that had been used to polish the floor in the corridor. Oh, no. He was injured in the fall and sued the hospital for damages. The hospital asserted that anyone walking down the corridor should watch the floor for dangers,

especially when the smell of wax is sufficient to give a warning. Did the court rule for or against the clergyman? The clergy wax is sufficient to give a warning. Did the court rule for or against the clergyman? The clergyman is off to the hospital. I had it. You don't have to summarise. Fuffa, fuffa, fuffa. Fuffa, fuffa.

Has he got a... Oh, he spanked. Has he? No. You did a little spanky thing there. I did, but that was for me, not for you. Just walking along,

fuffa, fuffa, spanky. I'll get my knob Ferratu out Knob Ferratu Fucking latch it Onto your neck Please Please Just imagine my vampire

Dick on your neck Do this I think So he's gone in I think the hospital Doesn't have much of a Leg Legs to stand on

Yeah Well neither does the clergyman Now he fell over Well they've probably got Some of a leg to stand on. Yeah. Well, neither does the clergyman. Now he fell over. Well, they probably got some false legs they could stand on in the cupboard. So he was more of a sturdyman than a clergyman. Woo! Oh, come on.

At least I'm not just saying spunk. Well, sometimes you are just saying spunk. Sometimes all I want to say is spunk. Spunk. Spunk. Spunk. Spunk. Spunk.

Did he vote for or against? It happens more often than I'd like to admit on this podcast. We just get to the point where we're just saying spunk over and over again. Every now and then I'll read a review on iTunes where it will say like, this is nothing but just two grown men swearing and being immature and using bodily functions. And then part of me dies, obviously, because I go, but there's so much more than that. And then I'm here and I think, nah, there's not at all. I think that they for or against the clergyman

did they side with them? I think the clergyman has a point, so I think it was for the clergyman. Let's find out. Is the verdicts in? Chairman of the jury? Yes, sir. No, my lord, you say. Yes, my lord.

Has the jury reached a verdict? We have reached a verdict, my lord. Now, before you do, I have to say my thing where I say stuff.

Do you? What do you have to say? We've got five of these. Do you want to save it? I do a thing where I say stuff. Now, priestly clergyman,

very naughty, waxy, waxy. Can we not do this then, actually, if it's just going to be a bunch of semi-collected words? No, you made me judge Silverman. All right. Waxy, woo-hoo. What's your verdict?

There, I'm done. What's the verdict? We, the jury, find... Oh, I'll just read it out. The court ruled for the clergyman, because we found, they found, that the smell of wax was insufficient to alert the clergyman because we found, they found, that the smell of wax was insufficient to alert the clergyman of danger.

So I was right. You were right. Yeah, he doesn't have a, like I said, you can't just go... What? You can't have a public space and someone hurts themselves and then just say they shouldn't have known, basically.

Yeah, exactly. It's like there's a certain amount of awareness, but if they put like signs out or something, maybe that's one thing. But just to say you could smell it. This is the whole reason why those signs exist in airports and so on that the cleaners use. They use those warning sandwich board things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Just so you are aware. I think those probably have a legal sort of standing. You know, you say, well, we had the thing, the sign out. Yeah, so now, I mean, maybe back in the day when this news story happened, they didn't have that. So, you know. That's one had the thing, the sign out. Yeah, so now, I mean, maybe back in the day when this new story happened, they didn't have that, so, you know. That's one between for me.

One between for Eli. Four to go. Well, I'll tell you what, we don't want to do too many of these because you drag this shit out, so we've got two more that I really like. Okay. One is called Stairway to Heaven. Here's the story. In America, a drunk young man took a ladder

and climbed to the window of a young woman he knew. Seeing only the outline of the man in the dark, the woman assumed it was her boyfriend. Boyfriend? Hello, I'm Mr. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. I'm John Simon Boyfriend. John Boyfriend.

So, the woman... Boyfriend. Sorry. Right. Right, so she assumes It was her boyfriend The woman assumed It was her boyfriend

Then beckoned him To come in When she discovered It wasn't her boyfriend She slapped the gentleman And he fled He was later charged With trespassing

Did the court rule For or against The young man Against He put the ladder up He was That was voyeurism That was

That's a law He did take a ladder Yeah he did He took a ladderism that was uh that's a that's a law he did take a ladder yeah he took a ladder he put the what's he doing he's he's spying on women he's a nasty fellow climbed up to the window of a young woman he knew and it doesn't in what that's really creepy isn't it really crazy like i know it doesn't say what year this case happened as well i if i was judging that in all seriousness i would say well he, he hasn't got a ladder to stand on. No, he had to bring a ladder to stand on. The fact that she made a mistake, it's just a coincidence that her boyfriend sometimes did that or whatever.

So, yeah, did the court rule for or against the young man? Against the young man, I'd say. If there's any justice in this world, it's against the young man. Right, the answer is verdict. The court ruled for the young man. Right, the answer is verdict. The court ruled for the young man, stating that in order for him to be a trespasser, he must know that he is not welcome on the premises. Because the women had invited him in,

he assumed he was welcome and was therefore not trespassing. But that's all based on the idea that she thought it was her boyfriend. She was mistaken. It's a technicality. Pure technicality, isn't it? It's a massive technicality and also it kind of suggests. Here's the thing. It's the

legal definition of trespass. If you're invited you're not trespassing. Is that why vampires can't enter your house without invitation? I'm pointing at his dick. Nob Ferratu got an invite, didn't he? Nob Ferratu got an invite. We've got to do a spin-off. Juicy Jeremy? Nob Ferratu got an invite. And he sees that. We've got to do a spin-off.

He sees that pulsing neck vein. Juicy Jeremy versus Nob Ferratu, man. Juicy Jeremy could be our Van Helsing. Van Jeremy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Van Juicy. In his jallopy, man. Fucking hell.

Oh, I've got my own. No, I'll do the voice. Garlic, Sody, which I will do. Special garlic and holy water, Sody. Garlic and holy water, Sody. Garlic and Holy Water Sodi. I want to suck your neck. How can you suck a dick if you are a dick, Noss Poofart? I said neck.

A dick sucks a neck. And then I've got a mind. A charity vampire sucks dicks. I've got a faecal matter based one. What happens when charity shop vampire meets Nobsferatu? No, Noss Poofart poo. That's not good. You've got a vampire arsehole

Yeah Nos poo fart poo Versus nos dick What is it called So you fly down And then squat on a man's neck And then just put your arse cheeks on And just go

Creme nos poo fart poo Because you did say You can inhale through your bum hogs So maybe you have got Dracule powers of the ringer. Where were we anyway? That was too distracting. That's a surprising one for me, because I would have thought there'd been enough there to back her up,

suggesting that she was misled by who was entering her house. This, on a related point, Paul, I saw something. Apparently, when you see a sign in the UK and it says trespassers will be prosecuted. And prosecuted. Prosecuted. We're having a problem with certain letters we need to drop into words

today prosecuted prosecuted apparently it's meaningless because the law doesn't work that way really what does that mean then

I don't think there's a trespass law in Britain which is why they changed the law after there was that bloke in the Queen's bedroom he got off

because there wasn't actually a trespass law he got off in the Queen's bedroom well you'd hope not he came in my drawers and now I've got terrible second-hand Vicky's crisps. Who's put a load of

Vicky's crisps in my Queen's drawers? I'm King Charles. And I harness the right to all of my mother's crisps. Dutchie Originals. Let's do one of these one more.

Chunky Finger Chutney. Right, this final one is called The Playboy Cartoon. Right. Okay. A mother rented what she thought was a cartoon video for her four-year-old daughter. It was only later that she realized the little girl had been watching a Playboy video with nude dancers.

The mother sued the video rental shop for negligence and emotional distress and counselling expenses for her daughter, who now wanted to dance like the naked ladies. Did the court rule for or against the mother? The granny got a video thinking... The mother rented a video out for her daughter, which she thought was a kid's cartoon. She put it on, but it was a Playboy video, right?

Okay, so it was... And now she's suing... Softcore. It wasn't like... It was probably very softcore, yes. Out of interest, side note, years and years ago when I lived at home

before I moved to university, Adult Channel had 10 minutes of free shit, right? Oh, indeed it did. And I used to wait till everyone went to bed, sneak back into the living room, put the telly on,

and fucking knock one out in 10 minutes flat. I know, but it was very fast clips. It wasn't like... No, they had a prolonged striptease thing where a woman came on and fucking knock one out in ten minutes flat. I know, but it was very fast clips. It wasn't like... No, they had a prolonged striptease thing where a woman came on and for five minutes

took her clothes off and then touched their bitty batter and then the video ended. A little bit of fat. And it was just the right amount of length for me to get on

and get off, right? But also, I would slip a VHS in and film them. So I had a bank of loads of them, right? Loads of them. I had loads of these

little videos in a row. A literal wank bank. Yeah, and then I thought, aren't I clever? What I'll do is to make sure no one finds my porn collection, I'll write,

Simpsons episodes volume 16. Because I had loads that I taped off Skype. Yeah. I had loads of Simpsons tapes. So one day, I come home, right from A-level,

college. My mum goes, I want to work with you. And I was like, what? And she just shows me this Simpsons tape and I was like

mmhmm and she goes well I was looking for something to put on in front of your sister while I did the housework and my sister at the time was like a year old

maybe a couple of like nine months or something so I put this on and then an hour later I came back to see what she was watching are you proud of yourself

it's my mate Dave's tape I was just borrowing it that's what my excuse was just borrowing it. That's what my excuse was. But yeah, my sister sat there and watched 60 minutes of my Grumble footage. Oh, well. But the lesson is there... She was very young.

The lesson is not to put Simpsons on, because that was a mistake. I should have put, like, Italian neorealism, bicycle thieves, volume six. You should have put, like, open university, German in schools.

Yeah. Instead of what was on it, which is Open Uvula. No, no. You're not making any sense. Anyway. Now, Paul. Right, the Playboy cartoon. Did the court rule for or against the mother?

I would say, yeah. What? Because I think a conservative judge would rule against the video shop. Okay. Is that who we're talking about? Against or for or against? It's against. It says, did the court rule for or against the mother

in her complaint about the video shop? For, I'd say. The court ruled against the mother. I'm not good at this, am I? Because the judge felt she was taking a simple mix-up way too far. Well, she was, but I just thought... Come on, lady, it's just a fanny. It's just fanny and tits.

Yeah, she's making a big deal. Well, to say that like... If it'd been something really disturbing. If it's like horrible, you know, murder and blood and... What I don't understand

is like there's a lot of information missing. It's like, did she go and see a video and they gave her the wrong tape in the box and then she took it home and then put it in...

Was the packaging on the actual video misleading to her? It might have been like a Fritz the Cat thing. I mean, and then she took it home, and then put it in... Was the packaging on the actual video misleading to her? It might have been like a Fritz the Cat thing. I mean, not that it was, because it was like a Playboy video with naked dancers. It might be an illustrated cover that she assumed was a cartoon. But still, I mean, what kind of ignorance do you go,

go, ugh, ugh? Yeah. Not look at the sticker on it, not review it. She's busy. She's just had to do all the shopping for the groceries. That's never an excuse, though. If you're going to put your kid down in front of something, you can't just presume.

You should check, shouldn't you? Because, look, the sticker on the groceries. That's never an excuse though. If you're going to put your kid down in front of something you can't just presume. You should check, shouldn't you? Because look, the sticker on the video is going to say rated. I mean, she took it out of the box and put it into the video player. Oh, maybe Playboy's

about a little boy who likes to have playtime. Yeah. It's Bunnies. Maybe it's that. It's Playboy Bunnies. And I also don't believe that the daughter said,

I want to dance like the naked dancers now. I don't believe that happened. No, that's that happened and certainly not in that voice I did it that's just to try to bolster her case say oh she was influenced

you know it's destroyed my family I think the court made the right decision I believe so too I thought they would have done the other way because they're very conservative

well we just don't know do we we just don't know we don't know we just don't know all the facts we just got a general just before we wrap up

hurry up. I've got something I want you to taste with me, yeah? Come on. I'll tell you what, I'm going to put a stop to this and then we're going to do it in the last segment as we sign off because it's just a usual shit. Might as well put a bit of fucking spice in it. Fine.

Press the button. Oh, no. Have we... What? The moon is up tonight. You know what that means? Nos pooh fart Poo and Dick Dracula come out and strick of the calm

of a thousand deaths. What happens? Out comes the real wolf. My bum hole becomes a hairy monster. Frankenschlong. I'm a real wolf. My arse transforms into a dog at night.

I'm Nobs Feratu Bride of Dicula that's so awful Bride of Dicula I like stop it and that's the end of this week's episode of Cheap Show

look long story short if you want links to Twitter, YouTube, merchandise, videos, episode guides, just go to thecheapshow.co.uk. Everything is there. Go search more Cheap Show fun there. Eli, what have you got? Paul, you've been known to use salad cream in sandwiches. Am I right?

I like salad cream and I like sandwich spread. Well, here is a sandwich spread. It's a very special one from the Philippines and I want you to taste it with me very quickly. And I'll check this by fish and just watch this brand.

Sandwich spread by Lady's Choice. It's white, it's gloopy, it's Lady's Choice. Lady's Choice and Miss Vickers fucking crisps. Look at that.

How unfortunate is that as a brand name? Ladies Choice. No, it's meant to say refinement, isn't it? Just lady parts sandwich spread. The whole word spread. I got so excited last night. Left a load of Ladies Choice. Do you know what I mean?

I swear to God, we're one of the few podcasts I think in the world that can work out a piss poor euphemism or innuendo over nearly anything. But this just screams at me, ladies' choice sandwich spread. Now, this is apparently big in the Philippines. It's like a mayo, I guess. Okay. It came out in the 70s.

It was introduced by an American company. Have you had this before? No. It smells of mayo, really. I bet it's very close to mayo. I think this is basically whatever sandwich bread is, but without the chunks in of the little bits of veg or whatever. There are no chunks.

Not that I can see. Maybe there's a few, but not many. Now, I'm happy for you to dip your little finger in there. I'm going to dip my tip in. Yeah. And it does just smell like, I don't know, sandwich bread stroke salad cream, and I like salad cream. It's got a very sort of thick vinegar, thick mayo.

And when it dries, it turns from ladies' choice into Miss Vicky's crisps. Oh, that's really not... It's kind of like a slightly blander sandwich bread, which is different. No, salad cream is tauter, brighter. That was kind of like a slightly blander sandwich spread which is different salad cream no salad cream is tartar brighter that was kind of dull

yeah it had a little bit of tang but it had more of a sandwich spread flavour to it than a salad cream which there is a difference it's got a nice mouthfeel it's sweet

but there's a I can't describe it sort of a cardboardiness yeah you know it lacks a certain kind of well amplitude

if you don't mind me saying so Mr Phil I thought it had more flavour than that it's ladies choice it's sandwich spread It lacks a certain kind of amplitude, if you don't mind me saying so. No, I thought it had more flavour than that. It's lady's choice, it's sandwich spread, and I'm giving it a two out of five. It's the rear wolf again. I've got a voice for the rear wolf. Well, let's not introduce the rear wolf. He's in his pants, that's why he's muffled.

He's sitting on his mouth. He's in his pants. That's why he's muffled. He's got a jack and a dick and werewolf arse. I'll get Nosferapu out. Nosferapu. Nobferatu. Werewolf.

Werewolf. And... Bride of Dicula. The Nubby. Now. Bride of Nubby. The Nubby. The Nubby. Curse of the Nubby. Curse of the Nubby. Now. Bride of Nubby. The Nubby. The Nubby. Curse of the Nubby.

Curse of the Nubby. No, let's... Really, we need to stop now, Paul. The Invisible Gland. Now... That's not what this is. That's not what this podcast is. Because I'm thinking of it.

Paul, what about our Twitter? People want to know. At the Cheap Show Pod, I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is... Eli Snoyd, and that's spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. I'm also on Instagram.

And we're on Instagram, yeah, and Twitter and Facebook. You'll find us looking for Cheap Show or Eli J. Silverman. This Sunday coming up... Don't say that. This podcast is always going to be... It's coming out on the Friday. Yeah, but it's... If you're listening to this on the day it came out...

But if you're not and you're listening to it in the future, then well done. The show that Eli once did years ago is on. Just shut your fucking horrible mouth for one second and let me plug my radio show. Soho Radio, Sunday, 2 till 4. The House of Pickles Sound Show with myself, Eli Silverman, and you and Bruce.

Every two weeks. Thanks very much, everybody. The creature from the big... The creature from my knobs like a balloon. The creature from the knob balloon. The creature from my knobs like a balloon. The creature from the knob balloon. The creature from the slack. Got Invisible Man, Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein's monster. The creature from the chocolate starfish.

That's like Limp Bizkit. Soggy Bizkit. Is that what you mean? Is that what the name band Limp Bizkit comes from? Yeah, of course. From spunking on biscuits. Is that really what it's called? Yes. I've learned something. Good that really what it's called? Yes.

I've learned something. Good night, everyone. See you next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. What about patrons? Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Thanks very much for your support, patrons. Thank you for your ongoing support.

It keeps this quality content coming. Got a brilliant top tier video coming. Yes. Was it already available? It's already out. Top tier. We've got it. We did a walk based on issue 13 of the magazine.

It was a really good walk. Now we don't have an ending because I thought that out with the thing was going to be good. Mate, I wish you'd just stop. I like to end with a laugh. You know what I mean? I like to end the podcast with a laugh.

So when people listen, they go, ha, ha, ha, ha, and they smile and turn the thing off. You forgot those crisps. You're just dumping those crisps with me. We could have eaten those. I forgot dumping those crisps. You're not doing them.

I can't finish this episode if you keep going off on tongue gents. Tongue gents. Tongue gents. That's good, that. At least we've coined something today. Coined many things today. All of them fucking abysmal.

See you next week. Bye, everyone. Thanks for listening. Bye. Oh, real wolf. Shut up. Press the button. Hello, one, two.

Oh, I said to her, Mrs Miggins, I said, have you got a cafardy? Come round here, chuff it, I said to her, Mrs. Miggins, I said, have you got a kefardi? Come round here, chuff it up, chuff, chuff. And I said, oh, I'm just warming up, Paul. I'm just warming up. Don't look at me like that. I'm warming up. So I said to her, Mrs. Miggins,

oh, Charlie, come round here. Can I ask what you're warming up for? Because I hope it's not this podcast. Because that, mate, it's not your best. Okay. I was just warming up. Shall I inspire you?

Shall I inspire you? Okay. Have we started now, have we then? Yeah. Hello, everyone. Eli's... No. No.

What do you mean no? Look on your face then. Of... Ah, fuck. I don't want to see an ah, fuck face from you first thing. My attitude, yeah. My little fucking bad to see an ah, fuck face from you first thing. My attitude, yeah? My little fucking bad boy demeanor.

That's what gives it that little maverick edge. What are you this week, then? A bad boy or a maverick? Because you can't be both. I don't give a shit. I'm a bad boy maverick. You can't be a bad boy or a maverick. Why can't I be a bad boy maverick? You have to be a bad boy or a maverick.

I can be a fucking outlaw bad boy maverick. An outlaw bad boy maverick from the wrong side of the tracks. Mate, I eat the tracks. Arr, arr, arr. I'm eating the tracks. Arr. The tracks of conventional podcastery. Arr. Producer? Producer?

What are you calling? Who are you calling? Producer? Who? Why are you talking? I can't work with him. Can we get... Can we get a new one in A pretty boy This is a tired trope Can we get a pretty boy in

This is an extremely tired trope I'll pretty myself up for you Go on pretty yourself up for me Hello Paul Oh call back everyone Well at least I try What At least I try and do call backs

At least I try And call backs are for the For the boys Call backs are for the boys Well they are At least I try. What? At least I try and do callbacks. At least I try. Callbacks are for the... For the boys. Callbacks are for the boys. Well, they are. All right, let me warm up then. I'm just warming up. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Pod, pod, pod, pod. Pippity. A pippity poppity. Mama likes marmalade on Marmalade Road. Mama likes marmalade on Marmalade Road. Now you're foreshadowing something unconsciously. Have I? Yes.

It's my psychic powers. It's in a nice mini disc sack. What is it? Show me. I'm not showing you. Why not? Show me.

Because it's coming later. Is it? Is this the cold open? This is what we've got. There's no theme. Unfortunately, yes. You haven't found anything. I haven't got an angle

this time. I'll give you an angle. I don't. How much of a bad boy I am. All right. I've got fucking metal scrote plates. And they go coming into podcast town.

I need to visualise your balls cast in iron walking through a saloon door. They're not cast in iron, they've just got sheet plates. Right, we're starting this again because this is just ageless.