CheapShow - Ep 317: Spud Dust

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

If there is one thing we love on CheapShow, it’s snacks… and crisps! This week, we have more crisps than we know what to do with, when a tub of “Spudos” is delivered to the PO Box! What is “Spudos”? Well, it’s a big plastic tub filled with plain crisps and comes with an assortment of flavours to sprinkle on. It’s basically an elaborate “Salt N’ Shake”! Will Paul and Eli embrace this strange service, or will they reject its advances? In the Silverman’s Platter, Eli unearths a McDonald’s branded vinyl album that encourages children to count and spell along with Ronald and his wacky friends. It’s… odd. One last thing. We’ve added a new cryptid to the show. Sorry about that. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-317-spud-dust And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Right, we're good to go. It's cold open, is it? This is the cold open, is it? This is time for the cold open again, is it? This is my favourite part of every episode. I look forward with stiffening anticipation to the cold open. Ooh, what will Paul do? What will Paul come up with?

What will that brain of his come up with? Fizzy, fizzy, all in your brainstem. Ooh, what will be produced? What egg of delight will be produced by the brain stem? Come on. I'm waiting. I'm Captain Bonkers. How about that?

No. Captain Bonkers and his windy bong bong machine. No. Is that what you want? It's not what I want. Nonsense straight out the gate. I don't want nonsense. No.

Because I'll be Captain Bonkers. I can't control it. I've got crazy bargains Eli This wallet £2.99 Oh You know what? These headphones

Only £4.99 I'm Captain Bonkers And my prices are criminal Are you selling those? Are you selling those headphones to me? Google phone Only 6p I'll have it

I can't believe they ain't locked me up For big and nutter Hey how about that For a cold open I'd actually want to Buy some things off Captain Bonkers If he's actually What do you want

Let's do some aglow I want that phone For 6p please Just give us 6p I don't have it on me Well then you can't Have me phone Alright here's an update

Yeah Everyone mocked me On the Christmas party Because I'd bought Three of the same figurine Yeah If you remember The same figurine. Yeah. If you remember, the rabbit figurine. Yes.

What do I have in my hand here? Another one. Which one would be really cool? The options are, we've got the accordion. None of them are going to be cool because they're all porcelain animals holding folky type instruments. Which would be the coolest? Okay. Go on.

Just don't want to ask you. Give me a bunch of options and I'll tell you what's the fucking coolest. The one we had three of last time was the accordion playing rabbit. Probably the least. Probably the worst. The old squeeze box. I hate the sound of the accordion. I like the squeeze box.

You like the sound? Yeah. Can't. Because I'm Captain Buckers. My cock, tenner. My cock, 20 quid's going up in more ways than one. Paul, I think we should...

No. You can't look at your sad, porcelain rabbit and then give up. People need to hear about this. Come on, then, quick. Cold open should be short. Drum playing rabbit. Castanets.

Sassy with a hand on a hip rabbit. Yeah, sassy rabbit. Guitar playing Joan Baez sort of looking rabbit. Yeah. That's your three options. Castanets, drum or guitar or lute or whatever it is. You know what? I'm going to tell you what I think.

I'm going to tell you what I think. Oh shit, because I hate everything that you like. I hate. And just as a fucking response, I'm just sort of a contrary bastard. Castanets. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles

it's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheap show off-brand It's the price of shade Paul Gannon Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain.

And we bring you the treasure we find amongst that trash. And wow, boy howdy have we got some hot treasure for you today. Paul, I still haven't revealed the rabbit to you. You're hoping for the castanets. Oh yeah, we don't know what's in there, do we? Exactly. Doesn't it mark it on the outside and tell you what it is on the inside? Isn't there like a clue?

It's not like a blind bag, is it? Yes, there is, yes. Right, well then. But you don't know what it is, do you? I don't know. I was hoping for castanets. You're hoping for castanets rabbits? Yes.

Paul, you've come here today. You've added three options. I'm looking forward to a little animal that makes 1970s human drama films. You've said which... John Castanets. John Castanets-ties. Tried to be clever then.

Wow. Fell out of my remit zone, didn't I? Fell out of my comfort zone. I've fallen out of your zone, didn't I? Fell out of my comfort zone. I've fallen out of your remit zone. I've fallen out of my comfort zone with that one. I've fallen out of my remit zone. Are you ready for the big reveal of the rabbit? Pull out your big rabbit, Eli.

Yes. Do you want to see my rabbit, girl? Oh, it's a little lute or something, isn't it? It's not a guitar. It's a lute. It's a rabbit. You know when you said at the beginning, what would be the coolest one?

This is at the other end of that spectrum. Is it? This is the most uncool. The drum would be cooler than that. No, it's cool course. Everyone loves the drummer. Everyone loves the guitarist. No, but that's not a guitarist.

It's a lute. A lute box. I think she's doing like a protest song. You know, don't kill the rabbits or mix metosis is bad. Hey, I'm a rabbit in times of hard. Industrial backyard. I nibble on a carrot. A carrot breaks me down, but not as much as the man.

And my shits look like little raisins in the hay. Oh, the foxes, they come and they eat my rabbit. Yeah, no, we are tapped out of that. Oh, we need to start again, for sure. Are we past the fucking credits now? This is... I'm having a panic attack. Not the content of this podcast.

Shot the rabbit back over. I'll be careful because they are fragile, so make sure that nothing untoward happens to little Bob Dillon Rabbit. Paid money for Bob Dillonetta. How much did you pay for Bob

Dillonetta? I don't know because it was a job lot. Bob Nibbles. I don't know what you said Matt.

Yeah, little Bobette Nibbles. It's actually chipped, did you feel on the top of the ear? Yeah, I did feel he had a chip

there. Oh, it's an imperfection. No, it is a chip. It is a chip. It is a chip on the ear. Well, there we go. The latest chipped ear. Oh, it's an imperfection. No, it is a chip. It is a chip. It is a chip on the ear. Well, there we go. The latest updates there with Eli's porcelain rabbit collection.

Marking him out in the local community as someone to look out for and be worried about. Because my chins, they look like raisins. And I've done wee-wee at the same hole. Do rabbits do that? I have no fucking clue what a rabbit does. Oh, It's coming through the hay. We should really start again.

It's really been bad this week. I don't know. I'm enjoying seeing you suffer as you try and make a bad idea work. I am suffering. Oh, yeah. From a cold.

Oh, you don't but you're cold. You've got the sniffly woof woof. I've got the sniffly woof woofs and a bit of a cough, Paul. Oh, well, you, buddy. You don't cold. You've got your woof-woof. You've got the sniffly woof-woofs. I've got the sniffly woof-woofs and a bit of a cough, Paul. So apologies to the listeners this week if I sound a bit bunged up as usual. As ever. I think you've been like this the last eight years,

I think now, on reflection. I'm actually sick this week, though. You're always sick again. I'm actually sick this week, though, Paul. Oh, yeah. Oh, Tales from the Dance Floor. Oh, you've got one? Yes. All right, ladies and gentlemen,

it's been a while since we've been back there, but let Eli take you away to a segment that I call repetitive and dull. No, no, no. Go on. No, no, no. But that's where you're wrong. Am I wrong this time?

That's where you're wrong this time. Prove me wrong, Eli. Yes, sometimes. I'm that man on the front of the table with his arms crossed, and it's like, Tales from the Shop Floor is shit. Prove me wrong. Okay, I. I'm that man on the front of the table with his arms crossed. And it's like, Tales from the Shop Floor is shit. Prove me wrong.

Okay, I will. Go on. I will. I'll come along. I'm that meme. You're that meme now? Yeah. Okay. Meme myself and I right now.

I will prove to you. Yes, I admit. In the past, the part of the show called Tales from the Dance Floor, where I relate amusing and poignant moments from my life as a DJ. Has become reductive. Has certain tropes because of the situation, Paul.

But this breaks the boundaries. Yeah, but your stories now are like the Marvel Cinematic Universe where you know what you're getting. People go, oh, that was nice. But it's the same shit. No, this is going to shock

and amaze you. I am ready to be shocked and or amazed. So please, Eli, take it away. Recently, can I just say, before I go straight into it... Oh, go in. Recently, Biden. I saw the President of the United States, Joe Biden, drive past me.

That's not some girl asking for the ABBA and me telling her to fuck off. Is it? It's completely different structurally from that. Yeah, but that's the exception that proves the rule, isn't it? Some girl asked for ABBA, I told her to fuck off. No, only joking. See, you were ready to accept that. No, but that's the exception that proves the rule, isn't it? Some girl asked for ABBA, I told her to fuck off. No, only joking. See, you were ready

to accept that. No, I wasn't ready to accept that because the way you tossed that line off proved to me that it was... She asked for Ace of Base, I told her

to fuck off. Ace of Base? Yeah. Depends on the track. Was it The Sign? Or She's Having a Baby or whatever it's called. That's the only song

they ever did. I saw the sign and it opened up my thighs. I saw the sign and I was up my thighs. I saw the sign and I was engorged and you were... I'm winking at my arse.

Anyway, come on. Let's get on with this story. That was different, wasn't it? From having a... All that she wants is another baby. If Fanny's blown out, it's all that she wants.

So, I'm DJing, right? Paul, wake up. He's got a comatose. He's got eyes open, tongue out, comatose. He's going to dribble. Anyway, I was... No, don't. You are the line. Oh, Bigfoot.

Is that what they call it? Don't you kind of have a Bigfoot here It's alright Yeti That niche That ecological niche In our character Sphere

Space Paul It's filled Big Daddy Bigfoot's here Say hello to Big Daddy Bigfoot Say hello to him He doesn't talk English He does Go on say hello I will not Just say hello to him Daddy Bigfoot. Say hello to him. He doesn't talk English.

He does. Go on, say hello. I will not. Just say hello to him. He's a niff. There's a wet dog. Just say hello to him. There's a wet dog odor

has entered the studio. It's because he's a mature Bigfoot. He's got fucking wanging nuts I can see from here. Big Daddy Bigfoot. Come on, say hello to him. He's here now. All right.

Hello. Ask him a question. What's your... How do you get such a a tawny shiny hair on your back?

Her! Right. So she comes up to me. She asks for my big daddy big foot. Oh fuck off

big daddy big foot. You stink. He smells of a mixture of camembert and dog. Yeah. I like it. The loom of his hair had whiffed

and... Come on, mate. Just tell your story. He should be telling you a story about that. So it's break time. It's break time. Is it? Alright, bye then. No, not now. Break time, everyone. Take five. When I'm DJing, I've done the first set. It's break time. Yes, just to clarify to people who may not

know these stories, but when Elijs djs do it like djs um there are breaks in between his sets so the band can perform live and he fills and he keeps the party atmosphere going until the band's ready to come on for their next segment isn't that right that's right and go so i'm out the back having a smoke when they're at the fire doors as i usually do by the bins okay yeah and some guy you know you sometimes get people who just sort of they get a kick out of walking down the street and sort of shouting to sort of intimidate people like they're gonna you know like they're gonna go for you but they're just kicking off they're just sort of kicking off i don't like that i don't like it so he's like that and he's i'm just a just a few meters down from the fire escape.

There's one of those big, massive industrial wheelie bins in between me and the actual open door of the fire escape. Yeah. If that door shuts, Paul... You're locked out. I'm locked out and I have to go right round the front all the way through the crowd again. Oh, with the plebs. Excuse me, excuse me.

Mind out. And you know, that can be a proper nightmare. Oh, no. It's one of the reasons why I don't hang out with you anymore when you DJ. It's going through the crowd is a real pain.

Yeah. Fuck yourself. That was a good story. Anyway. That's not it. That's not it. Okay. So you went outside.

You're on the street. There's a man just bellowing and shouting. He's coming down. Was it like this? Huh? Was it Big Daddy Bigfoot? It wasn't Big Daddy Bigfoot

because he's actually, you know... He looks threatening but he's actually got a heart of gold. I don't think there's any room for another cryptid in this podcast, Paul. I think people will have something to say. People at large. Well, he's not going to be a permanent character.

He's just passing through. He's off to see Harry and the Hendersons and hang out with them for the weekend. They're not together anymore. Yeah, they are. You don't believe what the sitcom tells you. That's just based on their life. John Lithgow's dead. He's not dead. with them for the weekend. They're not together anymore. Yeah, they are. You don't believe what the sitcom tells you. That's just based on their life. John Lithgow's dead.

He's not dead. John Lithgow is dead. John Lithgow is not dead. Okay, Google, is John Lithgow dead? Here is information from Wikipedia. He's still alive. What? He's still alive.

I'm thinking of someone else. Yeah, someone who's dead. But it's not John Lithgow. John Lithgow was born in 1945 and continues to exist. Let me see. Why am I going to lie to you? He's dead. He's not dead.

It's the fucking Matrix. Please tell your story. I'm getting fucking pissed off for this. In the space it's taken you to get a story out, we've created a shit new cryptid. I'm debating about the existence of John Lithgow. I was sure that he'd passed anyway. No.

I think he's good. I like John Lithgow a lot. I'm glad he's alive. I'm glad he's alive too. I'll make that clear. Yes. That's really put me off. Man in street.

Shouty bellowy. Okay, so he's coming down. You're by the bins. He's coming down. He's coming down. Is he coming round? He's coming round the bin, the bins and he's coming down he's coming down is he coming round he's coming round the bin basically

and I'm like oh you know and he's sort of keep going up going up to things and interrogating things on the street what's this

and he sees the open door of yeah yeah yeah of the fire escape and he was like and he goes up to it he's a bit like fucking Captain Caveman

or something yeah and he fucking closes the door and I'm like he goes up to it he's a bit like fucking captain caveman or something yeah and he fucking closes the door and i'm like sort of i went i need to go in there i went like this come on man like that yeah you know a bit exasperated yeah like come on you've made my day fucking yeah yeah but no i didn't shout it i was just like oh come on yeah because i was trying to sort of get there in time yeah to stop from doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, man. But you don't also want

to go all the way because you might get your fingers trapped and you just don't know. And I was just like, oh, fuck. And then I sort of turned around to go back around the front because I'm going to have

to do that anyway. Yeah. And he's still behind me. Then I hear him go, you fucking rat! Like that. He's coming for me. Is he?

Yeah. He's coming for you? He's coming down the road for me. Like barrelling. Yeah, and he's like, you fucking rat. Because he didn't like it. The fact that you were dis... That I was sort of a bit nonplussed.

You were put out of shape. I was put out by him closing my bloody door. Yeah. And he goes, you fucking rat. Like that. Yeah. And then I'm going to the... There's another fire escape a bit further down, right?

The tension's boring me, mate. Come on. And I'm like, come on, because I don't know the code for that. And there's some bar staff there. And I get them to... And he's coming. And I hear, rat, he's coming. And I'm like, whoosh, slam the door.

He wasn't going to be violent. You don't know that. We don't know that. Tales from the dance floor. It's good, that, though. It's thrilling. I was, for a moment there, on the edge of my seat. I've got a Tales from the Underground.

Oh, yes. I'm on the train coming in today. And I'm sitting there. This is a bit of a reversal, everyone. You know what usually happens? People either shit or fart very audibly and smellily. Well, there's a little bit of that. Smellily around Paul.

There's a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B in this story. Column B. Column B. Column B. Column B. Column B. me around there's a little bit of column a little bit of column billion this story columbia column b column b column b column b column b so i'm sitting there and like it's not a particularly busy train on the way in on the met line and i'm sitting there my bag got me coffee having a sup and this guy sits down right next to me and i'm like oh fine he seems all right he could up can i just pause there for a second so you're saying this person could have selected a seat opposite me that was free didn't have to sit next to you over there always that gets my heckles up i'm like what on earth why would you i don't know and i never do that if there's a it's it's an unwritten rule of uh public transport in this city isn't it you know

if you don't do it no you just don't do it it is the thing it's like imagine you're on the bus yeah at the front and the top, and it was like almost empty, and someone came up and sat next to you. So I sat down. He sat down. You know, he had a laptop and a business thing and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he gets out of his bag, electric razor, and then starts going fucking people.

And he starts spraying his hair that comes off him onto me, onto my lap. It goes on my coffee. I hate these people. And he starts spraying his hair that comes off him onto me, onto my lap, it goes on my coffee. I hate these people. And I do the whole kind of, mate, I'm doing that, and he's like, and carries on as if I've put him up because he has to have his shave right now. Whether he's going to a business meeting or a job in the... Oh mate, I've...

It's making my piss boil. So, he does it, and it's like, I can feel it. It's spraying. Those tiny microbes of hair just floating. They should not be allowed. And I didn't want to cause a scene

because, you know, I could get quite angry and get carried away. So I just kind of like put my hand over my coffee and turned and lent away. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I get off

at King's Cross as I want to do and he was still on there. So I left him a present. I have had bad guts all morning. So I squeezed out You've had bad guts all morning. So I squeezed out the... You've had bad guts for eight years.

Burbly, hot, bubbly fart. Did you know it was going to be bad? Yeah. And I was kind of holding on to it because I didn't want to be disrespectful with the rest of the train. Yeah, of course. But I thought I'd let one off.

Yeah. And so I squirted out a proper burbler. Right? It was a proper kind of fabric rippler of a fart. I knew he felt every pump. Proper burbler. Right? It was a proper kind of fabric rippler of a far. I knew he felt every pump. He felt every single bubble that came out of my arse. And when I rose, so did the stench.

And, mate, it was a foggy, beefy one. And I walked out, and he looked at me with disgust. Really? And I gave him a wink and kept on walking. Yeah, nice. I was like, that's my present to you. Nice. And not particularly very funny, but I am a bitter sod.

I like to see the tables turned in one of your stories, Paul. Not just someone making you smell this. I mean, I'm not saying I couldn't have dropped Trow and laid something on his lap. No, that would have been crossing the line. That's crossing the line to pathology. It would have been crossing the line if I just shat on his lap. Yeah, it would have been an incident

probably wouldn't be here right now you'd probably be in jail I'd probably be in jail explaining myself I was on a train the other day some guy starts

biting his nails yeah and then like doing that you know with his trouser leg like it drops and I'm literally less I'm just like are you fucking kidding

people are gross they're weirdly ignorant to other people's existence is what it comes down to I think it's modern technology I think it's got worse that because people are gross they're weirdly ignorant to other people's existence i think it's modern technology i think it's got worse that because people are so in their bubble with their device and their that they actually sort of forget their proximity to humans yeah i don't want to come across all sort of conservative and reactionary but it's terrible isn't it i just think if oh

you know what we've had you've had this rant? You've had this rant before. I've had this rant before. I can't do it anymore. I was on the bus the other day. Someone was on their phone, right? Which is, you know, you kind of put up with it with the sound being on. He seemed to be watching a video

of a cockerel. Cock-a-cock-a-coo! Yeah, and every few minutes, it would just make the noise and he'd go... What, you just giggled at a cockerel on TikTok? Well, I guess whatever tickles your fancy. It was just some the noise. And he'd go... You're just giggling at a cockerel on TikTok. Well, I guess whatever tickles your fancy. It was just some chicken in a yard somewhere.

And then it just made that... What are you watching? Fair play. People just want to watch just some livestock. I heard someone watching porn on a bus a few weeks ago. Oh, that again. That's just, again... That's all it was.

It's the same thing. It's that sort of disconnect between understanding that you're in public. I'd never watch porn on a bus or a train. Never. I would not do that. It wouldn't even come into my mind to get, what are you going to do?

What's the point of having an erection on a bus when you're half an hour away from home? You can't sustain that. I think some people get so into porn that they don't only use it as an aid to masturbation. They get into it, they actually enjoy watching it. Do you want to watch some now? No.

We've never watched porn together. Let's do it. I would never want to watch porn with you. I'll let you pick. You can watch the dog videos you like. You know, that I've seen you bookmark. Well done, Paul. Yeah, do you want to watch one of your dog videos?

Bring this up again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you start this shit again? Eli's Crufts. It's not me. I think every listener who's listening now would be in agreeance. Yeah. It's not me.

He's obsessed with puppy dogs. Volume six of Electric Rrrr. Electric Rrrr. That's electric. I couldn't think of anything blue. Lassie, come on my face. Yeah. There you go.

Old Jella. Old Jella's spunk. That's the best you could come up with. I said lassie come on my face. Yeah, but you know. What other dogs do you fancy? Benji? Toto.

Toto, oh yeah. Put it Toto-ly into my rectum. I bet you fucking love Bouncer What's Bouncer? The dog from Neighbours The big dog from Neighbours The big dog Big hips

Stop it Let's just move on and start a podcast Haven't we started? What's the sound of that car? Haven't we started the podcast yet? No, we haven't started it This is now starting

That was the top band What have we got coming up on the show then, Paul? Crisps and music. Crisps and music. Like a children's party. Crisps and music. Crisps and music. Crisps and music.

Coming up. Coming up. Crisps and music. Coming up. Right now. What's the fucking thing? Right, let's get straight into it. This week we were sent something in the post

by Tom from Channel 84 friend of the show, helped us out many a time when my technical equipment has exploded. Recently fixed our main recorder. Our only recorder Our only recorder, thank you very much No, we've got field recorders Yeah, but you know. That's our main boy

It's our big boy, our H6 that we've had for about five years now. And he is fixed. And we love him, don't we? We love you, H6. I love him so much, I've actually... I fucked your Zoom, it electrocuted my knob. Zoom, it electrocuted my knob.

No, please. I think we need to stop this podcast. We should stop. We should have a little break. Yeah, not forever, but we should have a couple of months off. I think we need to stop this podcast. We should stop. We should have a little break. Yeah. Not forever, but we should have a couple of months off. I think it's a good idea. Oh, God.

Thank you, Tom, for your help, though. I don't spank in stuff, okay? He sent us something he got online, and it's called Spudos. Oh, I was going to go Spudos. No, it's spelled S-P-U-D-O-S so it could be Spudos. What do you think? Spudos or Spudos? Spudos.

Spankos! That was way too loud. Fuck me! I am the god of Spankos and I bring you... Yes, Spunk, we get it. Move on! Jizzum! I dribble on your chest.

I am the God of coming and I bring you. We've definitely done this gag. We must have done that gag before. There's no way we haven't done that. Jizzum. I've spunked out my knob. Yes, God. This is all we do

every week. Yes, God. This is all we do every week. Spunk back. All right, sorry. Thank you, Tom. Thank you. So it's a subscription service where you can get a big box of crisps sent to you. Spudos is a subscription service.

You can buy a big box of crisps sent to you. Spud Dust is a subscription service. You can buy a big box of very plain crisps and then you get sent an assortment of what they call Spud Dust. And can I just say, Spud Dust. That's what I call my... Spud Dust. Da-da-da. I got it.

Spray it on your chest. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Spud Dust. Da-da-da. It smells of Fred West. Oh. I don't know how that works.

Fred West. Sometimes, Paul, just because it does rhyme doesn't mean you should let it rhyme with something. So the idea is, yes, I'll tell you what it says on website. Remember old school salt and shake, it says? Well, meet Spud-O's or Spud-O's. We're the salt and Shake on steroids. Unpackaged, unseasoned crisps that you can season yourself

with our five amazing Spud dust flavours. Only five. So how's its subscription? Are there five new flavours every month? This is never going to last. I don't know. It's also vegan. That thing, what was the joke they made already?

It wasn't a joke. No, they said, do you remember Salt and Shake? Yeah, old school Salt and Shake. Well, we're them on steroids. On steroids. On crack. We're crisps on acid. Yeah.

I'm crisps on meth. On meth crisps. I'm crisps on vodka. I'm sure someone's done that. I'm crisps on a cup of tea. I'm crisps on very little sleep. How have you gone from like meth and then you've regretted, you meant to start with something like, oh, crisps on tea. I'm crisps on very little sleep. How have you gone from like meth and then you've regretted, you meant to start with something like

oh crisps on tea. I'm crisps on a smack. On half a Benson and Hedges. I'm crisps on a paracetamol. I'm going to just politely ask you to be quiet while we just get through more of this set up and admin part of the show. I'm crisps on snake venom. So, you order

a big box of crisps and the crisp itself keep fresh for 16 weeks in a handy-dandy tub. Their words, not mine. And look, it's a great big plastic white box. It looks like an ice cream tub, almost, or a Lego tub. Yes. And it's sealed, and it has a little logo of a Superman spud on. You can get a bundle.

So for 30 quid, which is quite expensive if you ask me, you get a tub and then a load of seasons to shake in. Explain the subscription part of this, Paul. Well, I think it's less a subscription and more like you... I mean, there is a subscription page where you can get dust a month, where monthly they send you dustings new dust

but of different flavours that you don't expect or you can get a whole package monthly so you can get crisps or different types of shapes I just don't understand

how it can sustain itself as a business they don't do they these subscription boxes although it does say they're you know they have a page here about sustainability

so we've taken every step we can to make them as sustainable as possible. Our crisps are grown and produced in the UK on a sustainable farm that runs on solar power, converts the used sunflower oil into biodiesels for the tractors. Oh. And then they talk about their HQ and how it's all great. Closed-loop delivery and they avoid single-use plastics. So all very well and good. plastics so all very well and good

that's all very well and good Paul we did have a similar product like you say but that was it came in a bag yes

with several different with plain crisps and several different shaky bags shaking smud dust essentially and this does come with plastic

sorry not plastic paper bags that you can shake in that's nice you put your crisps in there you go. I like that element. Yeah. Well then you buy these separately so you get

£1.60 for something like these. So this is hardly cheap. I think the one that we had before was like off the shelf. You just got it in B&M or something you know. Yeah. This obviously gets sent to you. They're the flavour packs. Tom sent us a big load of flavour packs so I'm guessing even though there's like, what, 30 in here,

there's probably just like five flavours, and there's many sachets of them. Let's see what you've got there, Paul. What flavours have you got there? Oh, there's Dustin's already coming out. So we've got prawn cocktail, spicy, this just says nosh spice, which I don't believe I remember her as part of the group.

Salt and vinegar. That must be a chilli one, of the group. Salt and vinegar. That must be a chilli one, eh? Oh, salt and vinegar. It looks just white. For some reason, this just says David Bacon. I don't know if David Bacon's a person or it's a type of bacon. I don't know.

I've called David. They've got cutesy names for all of this. It's probably just bacon. Okay, that's prawn cocktail again. I'll put that down there. All right, I've got four. Chip shop curry. Oh, here's one. Nooch and onion.

What does nooch and onion mean? Unless you're Kevin Smith. Salt and vinegar. So these are the flavours then, yeah. Nooch and onion. Are they just trying to avoid copyright with other people's flavours here? Doesn't that feel...

How do you copyright cheese and onion? You can't copyright that. Because Walker's has that, and so does Golden Wonder, and so does whatever. It's like they all... What's nooch? Well, I mean,

the only nooch reference I know is the word Jason Mewes says in the Clerks films. Nooch, is it some kind of slang name for an onion? I don't know. Like spud. Well, what's the point of calling it David Bacon? I'm just looking at the flavours now, so you can get big tubs of this as well. These are little tiny sachets, but you can get big tubs. So, Chip Shop, Prawn Cocktail, David Bacon.

I don't know where they've gotten that name from. Nooch and Onion. I don't understand what the name Nooch and onion means just look up nooch definition the website explainer oh good what the heck is nooch you may be asking we are we are this is if you aren't a vegan foodie or both it's what the cool kids call's crisps. I've got fucking nutritional yeast for you, darling. It's fucking Miss Vicky's crisps all over again. Oh. Oh, dear. She had a case of Mrs. Vicky's crisps,

but now she's got nooch and onion. It's when Miss Vicky's crisps get very to a fine powder. Nooch has a nutty, cheesy flavour, but it's jam-packed with nutrients, and we love it as much, so we decided to call our flavour that. It's not vegan, though, is it? No, it is. That's the point.

They're saying instead of this cheese powder, they're using an... What? Here we go. I have to stop you there, Paul. Here we go. Go on. Yeast. Yeast. Is in the animal kingdom. Yeast are small animals.

No, they're fungal, aren't they? Yes. Sorry. Yeast are small animals? Is that the single most fucking stupid thing you've said on this podcast? I'm sorry. I mean, the answer's no to that. No, but yeah, sorry, everyone.

I had a little bit of a moment there. So yeast extract, onion powder, sugar, paprika extract, maltodextrin, salt, natural flavouring. I need to know why it's called David Bacon now. That's my other question. Oh, that other one, the spice one, the nosh spice. It's my other question. Oh, that other one, the spice one, the Nosh Spice.

It's Cajun flavoured apparently. Yeah, nice. So David Bacon, this isn't just any old bacon flavour, this is David Bacon. First you taste that sweet, sweet meatiness you love and then that late tang

of brown sauce kicks in at the end, making your taste buds explode with pleasure. There's brown sauce in it as well. You won't believe this stuff is 100% plant-based, but it is. I do. Yeah.

How about that? I do believe it. And then chip shop curry is self-explanatory. So these are all, I guess, vegan as well to some extent, right? Yeah. Totally fine. I am quite curious to see the actual quality of the crisps themselves. Are they kettly or are they more like a walker's stand?

They're very kettly. The lid is very sealed on, so even though it's been removed a few times to try it out, it's hard to get it off. Hang on. Oh, I got it sealed in. And these are completely plain. They're very sturdy. Do you want to give a quick test of the plain, Eli? Yeah, I'll have one now, yeah?

Just give me a mastication moment. Yeah? Very good. Very good. Very crunchy. Just give me a mastication moment. Yeah. Very good. Very good. Very crunchy. Now, for my mastication moment. Nice fresh potato-y flavour coming through, but very crunchy. Like a kettle chip. Absolutely fine.

Really good. Really nice. And, considering they've been in this for a little, at least a week, I think, at this point, still very fresh. Keep their freshness. It's sealed, isn't it? Yeah. That helps.

So, shall we try all of these flavours out? Yeah, but we're going to have to do several bags, aren't we? We're going to have to get a factory line going here. We can also pause and then come back to it. Shall we do that? We can do that. So, hang on. How many bags have we got?

One, two, three, four, five. And we have six flavours. I'll tell you what. There's one down there. That's what keeps all the flavours in. It's got a big hole in it as well, so it'll just fall out if we use that bag. I can have six flavours. I tell you what. Down there. That's what keeps all the flavours in. It's got a big hole in it as well, so it'll just fall out if we use that bag. I can get a bag.

No, we don't need to do salt and vinegar. Come on, mate, do we? No, I'll just do a little dip, a finger dip on the salt and vinegar. So we can do a finger dip on that, but it's just, I imagine, salt and vinegar. So I'm not all that bothered. But the other flavours are worth investigation.

Especially the textured soy protein. Sorry, no, what is it? Savory yeast. The nooch. What is it? Lab-grown yeast. Lab-grown fanny batter. Yeah, that's what it is.

Spuddo. So I tell you what, we're going to put a few crisps in each bag, add a flavour to each bag, shake them up, and then we'll come back to you once that's done. Lickety split, lickety split,

ba-dum-dum, lickety split, lickety split, ba-dum-dum, lickety split, lick done. Lickety split. Lickety split. Ba-dum-dum. Lickety split. Lickety split. Ba-dum-dum. Lickety split. Lickety split. Lickety split. Lickety split.

Lickety split. Lick my split. Bam split. Nosh spice. Oh, I've just fucking guessed the second one. And we're back from shaking things up somewhat. We have five bags. We've decided not to do the salt and vinegar

because it's salt and vinegar, you know. We are going to have a finger dip taste of the salt and vinegar packet. Yeah, we are. We will do some due diligence on that front. We only had five structurally secure bags with which to shake the dust on. And I've been shaking dust.

This is what it's come to, has it, Paul? Whilst I'm talking, you just... Oh, no. I'm leaving. I can't taste crisps with your guff in the air. I have slightly spoilt the scientific experience. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

But now you know how that man felt on the train I sat next to. Did you open the window? I can't. I did it by accident. Oh, that's really nappy. Oh, that's like a fucking horrible overgrown man-child's nappy.

Revenge is a dish. Revenge is a dish best served brown. Gaseous would have worked there better than brown, I think. Because farts have no colour that one does if you actually

imagine you guffed and it actually had sort of like a colour like a mist of colour like when people used to pee in swimming pools and you could see them

hello is that NHS direct yeah you know yeah we've put the mist the spud dust in the bags right

I've shaken these like a true gent now nooch and Onion first. Nooch and Onion. So this is their cheese and onion, obviously.

With their cheese substitute. But I think that our cheese and onion are the ones that aren't veggie. Like Walker's cheese and onion. Yes. Famously.

Because they use animal fat. Walker's cheese and onion. Is it suitable for vegans at this moment? I don't know. I don't think so. The thing was, in the olden days,

in the never never times, in the olden days, in the never-never times, in the olden days, in the before times, in the before times, like all of the crisp flavours were vegetarian, like beef, smoky bacon,

except for cheese and onion. That was the ironic thing, you see. That was the catch. That was the trap. Yeah. We were going in for hooch and onion. I've just gone in for a niff on that

and I'm just getting your latent guff. Let's have a snuff. I actually can't smell much in there, to be honest. I thought it was just my blocked nose, but I'm not getting a lot. No, there's not. I hope you put in a subsidence. I've put enough in, yeah.

Well, I'm going to try one crisp. Try the gooch and onion. Mastication time. That's very nice. That was absolutely fine. That tasted of a nice, sweet cheese and onion crisp. Kind of similar to the Square Crisps cheese and onion. Oh, really?

Yeah, exactly what I was going to say. It's sweeter and sort of less intense, but that might be to do with the ratio, because you're doing your own ratio, and I guess it's a... Yeah, that's true. And one crisp might have more than another crisp that you put in. Exactly, because the dusting isn't evenly done in a factory setting but I guess with this

it's an opportunity for a real crisp aficionado crisp lover to crisp aficionado crisp aficionado to really get down

into the muck into the grease get your hands dirty with the flavour profiles and get a ratio actually learn the ratio of powder to chip that they want

I just did this by eye a row of bowls with chip crisps want. I just did this by eye. A row of bowls with chip crisps in and you can sprinkle a little bit of that and a little bit more on the other and then you can go, I want to do some experiments at home. Yes, and someone could get really into it and could actually do a way how much powder they need per crisp weight ratios

and all sorts of things. It's a veritable crisp sensation. What's this next one? the second bag, which is Chip Shop Curry. Now, this should be all right. Give it a snuff. Can you get anything? I'm getting a snuff off this one.

Has the jostellation helped? The jostellation has helped, and I'm getting a snuff off it. Maybe I snuff the dust too. You can snuff the dust too. It's giving it extra jostellation. Well, it has a far more impressive sense than the last bag but that had a great

flavour profile so who's to judge? It was a nice flavour profile exactly in agreement with you. The nutrient onion had a sweetness and a sort of... It was a suppler.

It had its onion-y things as well. And it had an onion. Yeah. I wasn't getting a lot of cheese off it. It was unsalty in a way that the cheese

adds a sort of salt element. Do you see what I'm saying? I see what you're saying. Right. Time for... We're on to? I see what you're saying. Right. Time for... We're on to the next one now, which is chip shop curry. Mastication time. Oh, I've got one that's loaded with it there.

Oh. Nice. Yeah, real good. Not too strong. Very light with the chip shop curry flavour. And again, chip to chip flavour's got a difference, isn't it? It's going to be different. Really nice flavour, that.

Mmm. Really, really nice. It works with chips. It works with crisps so well. Yeah. Which is why it's chip shop difference, isn't it? It's going to be different. Really nice flavour, that. Really, really nice. It works with chips. It works with crisps so well. Yeah. Which is why it's chip shop curry, isn't it? It is. I guess.

It goes with the potato flavour. There's an amplitude between the two flavours. Yes. I like that. And for me, Paul, that's what crisp manufacturers have to work with when they're coming up with flavour profiles. The potato has a strong flavour, doesn't it?

You've got to compliment it. And this is what I don't understand about those sort of ice cream flavoured crisps and so on. They don't seem to be taking into account the flavour note that is represented by the potato in your crisp. Here's what I don't understand. The point of roast potato flavoured crisps. They were awful. They were just rosemary and salt flavours.

Rosemary, pepper and salt. It had like a burnt thing going on it's like what are you trying to do the burnt thing they were obviously trying to get that

crispy, that crusty oven yeah but that's a crisp that's what a crisp is a crisp is a roasty without the lovely hot soft bit in the middle yeah exactly so I don't understand

the point of having roast potato flavoured crisps on a similar note Paul I had chips and mayonnaise flavoured crisps from the Netherlands potato note, Paul, I had chips and mayonnaise flavoured crisps from the Netherlands. Potato chips? From Holland.

Yeah. And did they taste like that? They were much more successful than those roast potato flavoured crisps. I'd like to try them. We'll get hold of them at some stage. But they had a really lovely

mayonnaise flavour and I could taste a chip flavour in there. Weird. Distinguished from the actual flavour of the potato of the crisp itself, Paul. Like a french fry kind of essence.

French fry with mayonnaise as they have in Belgium and Holland. Because I do like that. The cone of fries with the mayo. Fucking great. There's something about that, isn't there?

That's true. Fucking spray it with my... Right. Are we on to our third flavour? Bag number three is... I'm impressed so far. Very pleasant. I will say this.

Compared to the other bag we did a few years ago, that had more like adventurous, unusual flavours. Remember that? But no, they were fine. Compared to these, they were lower quality is what I remember. I would probably agree with you there. I think we remember saying the crisps weren't actually all that great themselves.

But bag three is... David Bacon. David Bacon indeed. They make the claim here that it's not just bacon flavour. There's a brown sauce. And I think that's going to come through as a sort of vinegary-ness, probably. Like a balsamic-y aftertaste. We'll see.

Yeah. What's the snuff? I don't think it's my nose. I'm not getting any... Have I not put enough on these? No, no, you probably have, but if you're all bummed up, he's giving a smidge more dust to the bag. Giving an extra dusting.

Yeah, sure. You know, I've never worked with this before. I don't know how strong these things are. No, we don't know what we're doing. We haven't had the time to really get to know these snacks intimately. Here you go, Paul. Crisp time. I'm not getting a lot off that.

Do a dip in the bag, the pouch itself. It's not unpleasant. It's just not there. The flavour seems kind of incidental. That's the weakest so far, isn't it? Put it one way. If you'd said, taste that, I wouldn't have said, oh, that's bacon. No.

With a hint of HP sauce. The HP sauce seems to be represented by a sort of sugariness. It's quite sweet, isn't it? But not in a way that works as well. It is sugary. That's more onion-y than the gooch flavour, isn't it? It's more spring onion-y. Yes.

Funny, that's the worst so far, though, for me. But only in comparison. It's not, like, unpleasant. Absolutely not. It's still delicious, but... Delicioso. Not so accurate. No. Right, let's move on to. Absolutely not. It's still delicious. But... Delicioso. Not so accurate. No.

Right, let's move on to the fourth out of our five choices today. You've got that one, yeah? Yeah, I've got that one here. So you've got... Number four here. Alright.

And this was what? Nosh spice, which he said was Asian spice. So I'm hoping... Cajun. Oh. Cajun spice. Cajun spice.

Yes. I'm not getting a lot of nuff on all these, am I? Not necessarily a bad thing, because if the flavour's all right, then it doesn't matter, right? All right, here you go. Cajun spice. I'd rather it smells like nothing but tastes great than the other way around.

I thought you said Asian spice, so I thought they were going to be like the salt and pepper Morrison's ones, which you had at the Christmas party. There's one overriding flavour which is cayenne isn't it but I like the kind of

chilli heat in the background I like it's again it's a sweet flavour it's very sugary caramelly isn't it in it's flavour profile there's a smokiness to the chilli

that's what cayenne tastes it has a smokiness to it but it's nice but it's very one note compared to the others I'll be honest no no no I would disagree there I would say there's more

going on because there's a little bit of that flavour there, there's a bit of heat there, there's a little bit of something going on. All I'll say is, I don't know what Cajun spices are meant to be. It's cayenne, essentially. I don't know. It's a lot of cayenne. But still nice. That's a nice bag. That's a good one. That's a lovely bag. It is a good one. I like chilli flavoured crisps. Yeah, I like hot

stuff as well. So, on to our last On to our last bag. Our last flavour we're going to like hot stuff as well. So, on to our last... On to our last barg. Our last flavour we're going to do today is prawn cocktail. So, this is the only one which is sort of completely standard.

Standard. And I don't really care for it. To me, it just reminds me of, like, ketchup. Well, that's what I was exactly going to say. We must have covered this when we covered crisps before, Paul.

Yeah, we did. But on the continent, they have... One of their main flavours is ketchup, but we here got prawn cocktail and I think they're kind of analogous, aren't they? In a way. Oh, that's a good point. I hadn't thought about that, because you don't

get prawn cocktail in America, do you? No. Prawn cocktail is a very particular dish, both in terms of its geographical location and its location in our history. Because it's a 70s kind of thing, really. It's a 70s British dish, isn't it? A dessert or an hors d'oeuvre? I mean, what is it? It's not a dessert, Paul. You wouldn't have prawns for, I know you don't eat seafood, but it's a 70s British dish, isn't it? A dessert or an hors d'oeuvre? I mean, what is it?

It's not a dessert, Paul. You wouldn't have prawns for... I know you don't eat seafood, but it's a starter, essentially. Yeah, but isn't it like just what? Cream and ketchup? It's Mary Rose sauce. Yeah. Which is mayo and ketchup.

Right, okay. A little bit of cayenne pepper or paprika. And then you put a load of fucking prawns in it. And often they serve it on top of ice. It's meant to be chilled. Oh, God. Every time I hear about this. And they put iceberg lettuce in.

I like it. It's nice. Very nice dish. I've only ever seen it served in glasses. Yeah, and sometimes... With prawns dangling over the side of the glass.

Yeah. It's a horrible concept. You just can't eat fish. I'm just surprised that all these years later, all these decades later, we're still putting prawn cocktail

on the brands of crisps. It feels like it's only appealing to my mum's generation. I feel like, this is just a hunch, but I... Chicken tonight? No, that's a blast from the past.

Yeah. I've never eaten chicken tonight. Do you think they still do chicken tonight? Yeah, maybe. We should try that. Isn't it just like chicken and you just shake it on

and then you put it in the oven? It's sort of like a salt and shake, but for a chicken. It's this shit, right? Really? Yeah. I think it's wet. Isn't chicken tonight wet? Can we just, by the way, chicken and you just shake it on and then you put it in the oven. It's sort of like a salt and shake but for a chicken. It's this shit right really? Yeah. I think it's wet. Isn't chicken tonight

wet? Can we just by the way every time we mention that we've just been doing jerk off actions to each other. It's like I'm totally ingrained.

Isn't it a bit wet? Jerky jerky. Shake it up. Now here's the thing before you go any further just quickly could you put that on chicken and put it in

the oven? I reckon you could right? Absolutely. You know what I've been doing with my tofu for just quickly. Could you put that on chicken and put it in the oven? I reckon you could, right? Absolutely. You know what I've been doing with my tofu for my noodles? Oh, noodles came in. Slipped it in. I've been using the flavour packs from noodles, right?

Yes. And you put that in a plate and then I've got my tofu. Make a little paste with it. Yeah. No, not paste. Keep it dry. Oh. Because I've got wet tofu, which I dab in it and then I fry the tofu.

Oh. Like you're battering it almost. With a flavour batter. Oh. Because I've got wet tofu, which I dab in it, and then I fry the tofu. Oh. Like you're battering it almost. With a flavour batter. Oh. It's really good. Perhaps we'll do that on the next Pimping. Fried tofu. Hey, that's a good idea.

We need to go back to the urban noodle country kitchen, don't we? At some point. Let's do that. We always have to do. Now, Paul, the point I was trying to make about ketchup is one of the main five big flavours on the continent and also in Canada

that guy was saying in America it's classified as its own food stuff isn't it or something what ketchup

yeah it is its own food stuff what are you talking about it's got I don't give a fuck it's a condiment but it's also a big crisp flavour

yeah but not in this country no and I think the reason for that is because we have prawn cocktail which is essentially very similar.

Yeah. It's very much like a ketchup flavoured crisp. It is. Let's crack on with this last bag. And try the prawn cocktail flavour. Ding, ding. I'm going to add some fucking extra dustings. I'm going to add a bit more prawns cocktails.

Because they've been a bit under flavoured, haven't they? Yes. No. I think they've been fine, apart from maybe the bacon one. I've been a bit conservative with my dustings you need to be a bit more liberal yeah the bacon was underpowered compared to the others i think it certainly didn't give me a bacon flavor no perhaps they just don't have access to the big flavor vats that the big boys at walkers i just don't understand why they've called it

david bacon is it a reference to something must be something a tiktoker or something i don't know i don't know what to say about that one. Tastes like prawn cocktail flavour. I don't like the flavour. You're not into prawn cocktail. But I also don't find the flavour satisfying. It's weird. It's just not a kind of edifying flavour for me. Sometimes I get a hankering from a prawn cocktail crisp.

And if I had that flavour in the packet I bought when I got that hankering, Paul, I would be pleased. Because that has got nice. It's got the sweetness, the vinegary-ness, definitely. And I think in a blind taste test, I could pull that out. And I could also get my knob off and smoke into a carrot or something. Yay! Eli got his knob out.

I want to do something before we end this segment. You can do a cocktail, won't you? I'm going to put all in. All of them, all flavours. Now, don't do that yet. We want to, Paul. Why not? Because I need a breakdown of which ones was your favourite.

I want you to do them in order. So just to remind everyone, we had Nooch and Onion, followed by Chip Shop Curry, followed by David Bacon, then we had Nosh Spice, which is Cajun spice, and finally, the standard, Prawn Cocktail. So, I'm going to say, least popular for me? We all know.

Prawn Cocktail. But that's just a personal popular for me. We all know. Prawn cocktail. But that's just a personal taste thing, more than an actual quality thing, right? They were perfectly good quality. Then I'm going to go with David Bacon. Then I'm probably going to go with Nooch and Onion. It was fine, but it's cheese and onion, isn't it? Then I would go with the Posh Nosh one,

and then end with a Chip Shop Curry, because that's just mouth-cozy for me. That's your favourite, is the Chip Shop Curry. Okay, so I'm going to count down from top to bottom. Yeah, go on. The other way. I did it the other way,

so a bit of, you know. Bit of variety. Bit of variety. Just like we get with Spados. Yeah. No, with O's, they need to put like an apostrophe above the O, do you think?

And then I'd think. Oh, like an umlaut or something. Something there and it would make me go O's. Do you know? Just something breaking up those two words. It might be Spados.

We don't know. Spados sounds stupid. Maybe. Spados sounds don't know. Spud-os sounds stupid. Maybe. Spud-os sounds all right. I mean, it all sounds stupid. Oh, mummy! I've got me spud-os! So, I would say,

in concurrence with your opinion, I'm in concurrence with that. My conclusions. I would agree. With the top spot, definitely goes to that chip shop curry. Really lovely.

Like you say, comfort food for the mouth. It just works. It's the sweetness with that spice. And it's kind of, in the timeline of crisps, quite a latecomer. Very much so. Because down south, curry with chips wasn't even a thing

in London. It's a northern thing. Yeah. It was definitely, growing up, I'd heard of it. But you go to Edinburgh, and then that's basically all you can fucking get. But they also, in Edinburgh, they have that brown... Chips and sauce, or whatever they call it. Which is not the same kind of brown sauce you go to edinburgh and then like that's basically all you can fucking get but they also in edinburgh they have that brown chips and sauce or whatever they call it which is not the same kind of brown sauce you get down south make that into a crisp flavor boffins i would love to

try that but yeah that's very nice that brown sauce they have in scotland salt and sauces though you used to go is a i'll have salt and sauce please on me chips yeah and then they put that mystery sauce on you go i'll eat that because it's 2am and i'm fucked no and the sauce is delicious it's like a more vinegary sort of brown sauce, isn't it? Yes. Erring towards curry, but pulling back from the brown. So I think that's what it is. I think, you know, the whole culture in this country for years

has been very much focused on the South and London in particular. And so they thought, oh, fuck them. We're not going to bother making a crisp that flavour because, you know. Fuck them. Fuck the North is what they think, isn't it? How dare they? But it has migrated. It's migrated.

Finally, they've burst through. So you start off with Chip Shop. That's definitely my favourite. Then? Then I would say the Nosh Spice would be number two. Okay, that's what I said as well, right? Then in number three,

I would say Prawn Cocktail. It's a strong one. Fine, fine. It's a good Prawn Cocktail. Let me tell you, as a lover of the Prawn Cocktail, Paul, let me tell you, that's a perfectly good, it's a strong one. It's a good prawn cocktail. Let me tell you, as a lover of the prawn cocktail, Paul, let me tell you,

that's a perfectly good, it's a strong one. He's making, what? Cunnilingus. He's miming Cunnilingus. Are you trying to say that ladies for Jarji's

taste of prawns? Yes. Rotten prawns. Yes. Like a whole, whole pallet of prawns left on the dock. Like a bag of

six month old oysters, mate. No one puts oysters in a bag. I know. That's what-old oysters, mate. No one puts oysters in a bag. I know. That's why you shouldn't do it. No one puts baby in the corner. No. No one puts baby in the oysters in the corner.

Oh, now he's doing dead babies. No one put oysters in the baby in the dead corner. Right, come on. So what next? Finger my bum puppet. Now. Come on. Now.

No. Stay focused. I can't. I can't. I can't see the fucking packets around the mic. Mate, I'm asking you to hurry up for two reasons. One, this is dragging on. And two, I have a big fart to let out. I don't want to do it in this room.

So pick this up. Don't disgust me with your beef. Come on. I'm going to have to swallow it. I'm going to swallow it. Oh, God. I'm going to swallow it. And it's swallowed.

In 20 years' time, we'll be like on our deathbeds, just going, I'm having a fart. Mate, 20 years. If I'm on my deathbed and I'm listening to swallow it. And it's swallowed. In 20 years' time, we'll be on our deathbeds just going, I'm having a fart. If I'm on my deathbed and I'm listening back to this, I'll be like, oh, I remember the day when I could fart and control it. As opposed to just being one long windsock of gas. The podcast is just going to be two old men farting in a room. Yeah. It kind of is already.

It is already. Right. Now we can control it. In third place was prawn cocktail. Yes. Nooch and onion. Fine. Fine flavour.

It was fine, but yeah. And then slightly unpleasant in last place, the David Bacon. There we go. Right. So I'm going to, this is the Cajun one. This is a super cocktail. So pass me prawn. Put some more crisps in there.

No, there's enough. I've got a big bag for this one. I've already put a few in from that bag. So this is Cajun. So I'm going to need anything but that next. You're going to try the prawn in there? No, there's enough. I've got a big bag for this one. I've already put a few in from that bag. So, this is Cajun, so I'm going to need anything but that next. You're going to try the prawn in there? All in. Okay. Mate, this is for science. Put a good dollop in there.

Okay, and David Bacon, I'm travelling across the table to you. Bacon's in. Six degrees of David Bacon. Right, that's a lot of that one. What was that one? Cheese and onion. Why don't they call it Kevin Bacon? Exactly. That would work. That would work. Why don't they call it Kevin Bacon? Exactly. That would work. That would work.

Maybe they did that and Kevin Bacon went, mate, I do EE. You don't have my crisps. Here is chip shop curry. Chip shop curry. Getting another slather over it. I'm spreading my spud dust all over this. Now give it a good shake.

Is that it? Oh, yeah. Not spice is the one that was already on there. Oh, I don't mean loads. There's a lot of dust there. Now, I have liberally coated these in the flavour. In everything. Are you happy with my technique?

Very nice, nice wrist action. And he's getting a good even spread of the dust all over those. And they're good quality crisps. He's gone for enough and it's... It seems to have set his allergies off. Right, here we go. What's the huff like then?

It's everything at once. Everything everywhere at once, mate. This is the crisp version. Have a snuff of that. There's a lot going on. Ooh, there is a lot going on in there. Right. Nose-wise.

There's a lot going on with that one. I think that might be the best option. Throw a bit of everything in because you get a little bit of cheese a little bit of spice a little bit of sugar a little bit of this

mate let's put some salt and vinegar in it quick we didn't do the salt and vinegar no we have to do this a little dip of that

dippy dippy but then also sprinkle sprinkle shaky shaky gimme gimme nom should I do a line should I snort a line on this

I reckon if you did that you would have a headache for a year I would not be happy I'm sure you got that sweetness I snort a line on this? I reckon if you did that, you would have a headache for a year. I would not be happy, I'm sure. Ooh, you got that sweetness? I'm just rubbing it on the gums, mate. Interesting. It's not as tart as I thought it was going to be. Less citric acid.

Yeah. Interesting. Do you want me to add it to these? Add it. Add it. Add it to our everything bag. Triffic. Which is the everything bag? I don't know. You had it last. It's probably that one because it's the most crumpled. These are reminiscent of those everything crisps that we had,

the jail crisps, remember we had with Biffo. Actually, that's it. You're right. Except the flavour profile is obviously very different, but it has that sense of, oh, what's this?

Oh, and now this is coming in and now this is coming in. A bit like Willy Wonka's chewing gum or something. Mmm. Ooh. Definitely the best. Oh, what a fun house

of flavours that was. Very good. Well. Now, Paul, just before we flavours that was. Very good. Well. Now, Paul, just before we finish this segment on crisps. Yeah. Coming up, we do have those chakakas. Chakatakas. Chakakon.

Chakakon. Chakakon made crisps. We're both trying to think of a chakakon. Try that. What you can do to put it into a crisp flavour. Ain't nobody. I can edit this all out to take your time, mate. Okay, so we failed to think of a crisp and shakakon,

but there's crisps we have been sent, Paul, called chakatas, and it's sort of an African salsa. I've got it. Appeal for you. I think I spurred you. You, that will do. Anyway, we've got those, which is like an African sort of dipping sauce. Oh, we should do that.

Yeah, another time. Flavoured crisp. Another time. So, and I saw some crisp the other day, Paul. Yeah. Get this. I know it's like very familiar, but I think it's something that's never been done in the world of crisp before.

Go on. Tyrell's. Yeah. Cheese. Yeah. And sausage. Pickled onion. Oh, well.

Cheese and pickled onion. Pick their one, mate. I've got them. We want to taste those on a further episode, don't we? Yeah. Save? Sausage. Pickled onion. Oh, well. Cheese and pickled onion. Pick them up, mate. I've got them. We want to taste those on a further episode, don't we? Yeah. Save for that. Right. In conclusion, then, because let's get this out of the way.

This isn't a cheap eats thing at all, because I guess in time, this is quite an expensive thing. But to be fair, for seven quid, you do get a lot of crisps in that. Yeah. I mean, if you got a multi-pack of crisps from Tesco's, I'd imagine that would be like three, four quid. Yeah. Yeah. Like a big bag multi-pack of crisps from Tesco's, I'd imagine that would be like three, four quid, yeah? Yeah. Like a big bag multi-pack of crisps.

So to get a load of spuds and then flavours, I can imagine that's all right. Now, children, Paul, they love crisps. No, that wouldn't taste very nice if you put some children in there. Jesus Christ. Taste of blood. It would. Go on.

Children love crisps, and this is sort of almost like a toy version, which is what Salt and Shake were as well. They give it sort of a toy aspect, don't they? There's a novelty value to it, yes. Remember, back in the day, you'd have to add the flavours anyway, hence the term ready salted because it was already salted. Yes, so in a way, it's going back to the origins of crisp flavouring.

And if you were well into your crisps, well, well into them, I could see this as part of your sort of um if you made packed lunches for kids yes in a little bag give them a couple of sachets and go to school and they'd be they'd have a laugh and it might actually because you could control the amount you could actually it might actually work economically if you had let's say three children and they were all school age and you gave them a little because you could you could actually you could measure out how many crisps you put. Do you see what I'm saying?

Instead of having to rely on... No, I know. Rather than going out and buying... Multipacks. ...of walkers or whatever, you can go, here's a big tub of them, dole them out in smaller bags so they're not having tons in a pack every day.

So, I mean, it just occurred to me that it might work economically for people, depending on the size of their family and how many crisps they... Potentially. I mean, but also on that, can you imagine though, going to school,

everyone else gets out their walkers or their Wotsits or whatever, their branded crisps and you're the one with the... With those. And you'd probably get teased the way we, you know, I used to get teased

that my mum bought my clothes in Oxfam or... They'd look at that and go, oh, bespoke crisps, fancy, but you know what it's... And get teased either way, whether they thought it was the difference

is all that they need. They're little bastards at school. Kids aren't shit and I'm against the concept of them. So look, end of the day, if you want to try these out... Well, what do you think? Respond to some of these points

I've been making. Spuddo's... Let me finish a fucking sentence first so then I can have a conversation with you. Also, this is half an hour. I'm bored of you now. This.

No, I am bored of you. Should we have a hiatus from the podcast, Paul? A couple of years, mate. Just one or two. Spuddos.com Go there. Check them out. If you think this is something that you might like

and if you have a family, as I say, they keep well for a couple of weeks in this box which is good one last thing Paul go on and I agree with your points I don't have anything else to add one last thing I'd like to say

in conclusion very tasty on the whole very nice tasting there wasn't any sort of bad taste I would like to sprinkle these on your hole and taste them it'd be a nice pickup

for a little bum romance my bum would look like a frosted otter's gob. No, you can't use it again out of context. Because it was funny in the moment. A dusty otter's gob. Right. You have ten seconds to leave the room because I'm going to let off a big grunter.

This is not. Mate, you've got to have. Time is not on your side, mate. And I'm fighting it. So I can't. Mate, don't. That was not me. That was you.

That was not me. You're accused. Don't do a song. I was going to do. You're accused. Don't do a song. I was going to do a song, though. Don't do a fucking song. But there's a song in my heart, father. There's a song in my heart, dad. No, don't you clap.

I clap. You don't clap. Daddy. Daddy don't clap. Daddy likes my song. He clapped with applause. Oh, it's Eli Silverman's lovely little platter He plays the platters that obviously matter

He's got a track for you to hear So let's listen to him and then we go and cheer Do you like it, Daddy? I do Do you like it, Father? I do Oh, Father When I grow up

I want to be Magic Mike, father. I want to go on stage all muscle-bound and show little middle-aged ladies me gooch, father. Whatever you want to do, I'll support you because I love you unconditionally. Oh, you're the best dad I've ever had. You've had more than one dad? Seven.

I keep going. What happened to the other six? Mysterious circumstances, father. But I love you, little Timmy. And that's why you're safe. Timmy. I know. Timmy.

Timmy. You're fucking dead, dad. You got me name wrong. My name's Alfonso Bonzo. I'm sorry, Alfonso Bonzo. Anyway. Oh, God. You've really taken... God, we have a bit of fun.

We have a lot of fun in this podcast. You've taken the fun out. I have fun we have a lot of fun in this podcast you've taken the fun out I have fun I was brain pert and ready to go brain pert and ready to go

yes my cortex is rock on I was brain pert and ready to go it's yes hello everybody and you know what

I don't think if I mention this on the show enough enough enough I don't reckon I say this enough

on the show but Eli makes a damn fine cup of coffee. That's good. A good, nice foamy head on it, that one. Is it a good one, yeah? It's a damn fine cup of coffee. It's actually a blend of a Costa Rican bean with a Brazilian high roast bean. Oh, nice.

So you're getting different notes in there. It's a nice, warm, nutty, chocolatey flavour, that one. I like it. Not bitter and grim. And I've made it hot for you, didn't I? And also made a coffee hot for you, as well as my knob, which I made hot for you. And you made it nice and frothy for me.

With Spunk. But also, you also made my coffee frothy as well. Oh! And then you made my coffee all erect and put it inside me. Inside me mouth. Paul. Yeah?

It's time for Silverman's Platters. When we look back on these all these years later, how hard is your neck going to hurt from just shaking it from disappointment? I'll never listen back to this shit. I'll never listen back. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Silverman's Platters. I'm a vinyl aficionado.

And when I hear vinyl, I get hardio. You'd think after doing this for close to eight years, we'd be, I don't know, good. No, we're not. We're still shit. Today really proves how not good we are. We're still shit. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Silverman's Platters.

I'm Eli Silverman. Two vacuous stand-ups who go on about the fucking stuff. Fuck off. Sorry. I'll start again. That part of my brain went, stop being bitter. Yes. Carry on doing what you're doing.

Lots of people like what you do. Focus on that. Father, thank you. No, don't. I love you, Father. You're always applauding my songs. I'll sing another one for you, Father. No, it's fine.

Oh, Father of mine. you're a sweet man and I love you. You rescued me from that house fire and I love you. And mother, mother, where's she gone? She's gone to hell because she started the fire. Hello, everyone, and welcome to Silverman's Platters. I, Eli Silverman, resident supertaster on Sheepshow, am also a vinyl aficionadio. And when I hear a nice piece of vinyl, I get hardio. And in terms of my cardio, it gets fastio.

Just saying eo doesn't make it rhyme or work. Eo, eo, eo. Yes. Old man Silverman had the farm. E-O, E-O, E-O. Yes. Old man Silverman had the farm. E-O, E-O, cardio, vascula. Video. Now, Paul, this is a... Just a complete mess we've made of this segment.

I think we can all agree, once we've pressed stop on this recording at the end of the day, we've tossed this one away, haven't we? We really have. We've tossed the baby out with the bathwater. Can't all be winners, can they? We've spud-dusted the baby down and fucking tossed it out the window.

When you bash out 50 episodes a year, week in, week out, the quality can't always be there. Sometimes it's up, and sometimes it's down. And father, I want to sing again. Shut up! Oh, it is my favourite friend. Big up! Oh, there's the... Oh, and here's my favourite friend.

Bigfoot. Big, big daddy Bigfoot. Oh. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. Oh! No, he's won my heart now. As soon as he starts doing the musical numbers, he should do putting on the ritz as well,

which is where you got that joke. Sadly, that's where my brain went halfway through me doing the big Yeti voice. I think we can all agree I did it much better than Mel Brooks' original. You nicked it from Young Frankenstein. Mate, it's called Cheap Show because everything's nicked.

Paul. It's not our strong point. Let's move on. Tracks, what have we got? What's the record today? Well, we've got a specialap Show because everything's nicked. Paul. It's not our strong point. Let's move on. Trax, what have we got? What's the record today? Well, we've got a special edition of Silverman's Platters today. Instead of looking at individual singles, which is our want and our need sometimes, Paul.

Our desire. Our whim. Our little whim. Our whim. Occasionally, sometimes it's a whim away, isn't it? A whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. A whim away. The lion really did sleep there tonight. The Bigfoot sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Bigfoot sleeps tonight. Fuck this podcast. Right, next. Occasionally we like to look at a whole LP. We've done the Cabbage Patch LP, we did the Care Bears LP before.

We did. And we have a similar thing today, Paul. Yeah. Today we're looking at... Sorry. Today we're looking at a McDonald's branded LP that I found. It's a weird one. So where did you find it?

Just at the charity shop, just on a local hunt? The charity shop is only a quid, and it is missing its picture cover. Which is a shame. Now, there will be a picture of the cover on our website. If you go to thecheapshow.co.uk. On it, you will see a picture of Ronald McDonald's face. And the album's called what?

Learn, Play, and Whatever. It is called, I have it here, Play, Listen, and Learn with Ronald McDonald. So here's the thing. I would argue you can play with this record. You would certainly listen. It's the learning bit I kind of feel isn't really what this album's doing. They kind of emphasise it, though, the whole learning aspect. They do numbers and letters.

They do, but it's just for one song. Everything else is like cats where a character comes on, sings about them being a character, and then fucks off. I'm sorry to have to correct you on this, Paul. What? But there is Mrs. McNumber, which is the last track on the first side. Which is its magnum opus, because it's this whole kind of multi-genre style. Well, she does a different little mini song for each number, up to ten.

Which I think confuses the message, frankly. It's not a standout. But also, on the first track on side one is Mrs. McLetter's alphabet song. each number yeah up to 10 which i think confuses the message frankly it's not a standout but also on the first track on side one is mrs mcletter's alphabet song so you're wrong it's not one song it's i didn't say one song you just did i don't believe i said one song i just said i thought you said it's only one song because we were having a discussion about how important it was to the album and you said oh it's only one song no i'm pretty sure i said two um this is mcdonald's and i wonder when they stopped with their kids emphasis but they were extremely i think from the 70s onwards yeah they were extremely

focused on selling to children weren't they to the extent where they had a tv show well they had a series of very long elaborate adverts didn't they they? Starring Ronald McDonald. And the characters. Because he wasn't there from the start of the company, was he? No, it was some little chef dude, wasn't it, originally? Right. It was a little round-headed chef who would point in 1950s art style. So, well, let's just go... I want to make this very brief, because let's be honest,

there's not a lot online about this album. Very little. Effectively, we know it exists, and it was made in 1980... What was it? Four, this one. 83, and it was made in 1980, what was it, for this one. 83, says on the day. 83. And it's by Dot Records,

which I also couldn't find much about, other than the fact that one exists, and it mostly did country western music for the first 20 years of its existence. Spot Records. Oh, well, that explains why I couldn't fucking find it. I was putting Dot online, wasn't I? I got Dot in me head.

Dot Records. It's not a Dot, it's a Spot. I know, but I was putting Dot in. It's not a dot, it's a spot. I know, but I was putting dot in. It's red and everything like a real spot. Well, that's not my fault. That's because some prick

decided to use the word dot and spot to mean the same thing. Why is dot and spot so similar? It's a similar word, isn't it? Yeah, but who went? What's smaller, a spot or a dot?

I'd say a dot's more than a spot. I think a dot refers to a mark you'd make with a pen or pencil and a spot is more like a pimple or a fleck'd make with a pen or pencil and a spot is more like a pimple or a fleck A blob or something. A fleck of some matter.

Yeah, you'd say Like, Paul. Yeah, here we go. Like, Spunk. Well, you kind of jumped the gun there a little bit, mate. I was going to say,

you know, a little spot of cum. But you don't say a little dot of cum, do you? You wouldn't say a dot of cum. I'm going to micro... Unless you're extremely accurate. Like Sting. Unless you can fire out

a micro dose. Sting could probably do it. We could walk forever, spuffing on the dot. Right. But I think spot records are obviously quite a sort of... I wasted half an hour looking up dot records. I feel like a fucking idiot. Well, you should look them up then.

We might find some more information about this record because it's been very scant hasn't it i looked on every single website youtube there wasn't even an upload on youtube of this album now there are lots and lots of mcdonald's albums of various types and storybooks and read-alongs and singles and learning albums and that they exist they were extremely child focused for several decades this is what i'm saying this is like if someone privatised the Muppet Show like if the Muppet Show

is state owned but this is sort of privately run and it's something that goes on in the states especially even to this day schools

because of the fucked up system they have schools are sponsored by big fast food manufacturers Taco Bell PE Day kind of shit

and then Coca-Cola and so forth and they give them like learning materials and they've got no budget And they give them learning materials, and they've got no budget, and they give them learning materials, which are literally ads.

So you'll have in the science class, you'll have a poster of the periodic table, which will have Coke on it. But you know why though, right? This is all part of that world, is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, but the reason why those companies do this is the same way Budweiser will do a course on drink driving and responsibility and stuff like that.

It's like if they just toss out a thing that says, well, we're not just making our kids fat. We're actually trying to teach them to spell and talk and speak and play. I know. But it doesn't go far enough. It's funny that they felt that they had a responsibility, something like to be educational entertainment as well, because there's very little mention nothing of food on this

until you get to to Mayor McCheese and they start mentioning burgers but that's the first time but in that case the burgers are characters he's trying to chase isn't it that's the best one

the thing is right so let me just get this straight this is an album for kids and effectively it's like you'll learn but you don't you just get to know the characters

and I think they phase those characters out for two reasons one people were complaining about fast food being bad for kids and so if you had kids and toys and things

and you're bringing them in then that's a bad thing and you want to get rid of that secondly as well that whole family of characters were born from ripping off HR Puff and stuff or whatever that show was called

which was a big show in the States America yeah it was the brain just completely dumped that information out of my head just then Puff and stuff yeah but like the guy who created it also did like Land of completely dumped that information out of my head

just then yeah but like the guy who created it also did like Land of the Lost and those kind of shows as well so a big children's

TV creator and there there was a big lawsuit where McDonald's got sued by the creators is that right it was that close

pretty much yeah there's actually was it Defunctland did a video on it yes I believe so or was it Defunctland did a video on the history of the McDonald's characters and all the court cases and stuff about that?

He put HR Spoff and stuff. Well, it's a good show. Puff and stuff. Yeah, what's the name of the guy who invented it? Sid and Marty Croft. Okay. They were very famous for creating TV shows in the 60s that were very iconic in terms of their look.

But they weren't asked by McDonald's to create their show. They were just ripped off. No, the story's really complicated. I think they were approached and they didn't have the time and so someone else took over and they went just fucking make it

like that stuff and they did and then they got into trouble over it. Then they had to phase those characters out and replace them with a new batch.

My earliest memory of McDonald's in the UK was the one on Finchley Road and it had a whole section which was a playground inside the sort of yeah restaurant we had like some kind of weird fairy corner where it's like a fake tree and toadstool chairs and things like that yeah exactly something like that and they had we had versions

of the character that you could sort of climb on these big sort of vinyl or whatever versions so there's not much about the album we can talk about other than the fact that it exists so we thought we'd pick out two or three tracks and give you a taste of them, of our favourites. So the format is very similar to a lot of very, to a sort of generic children's record of the period, Paul. We have a guide, Ronald McDonald, of course. He says hello at the beginning. No, he says hello at the beginning of every fucking track.

He says too much. Hello, McDonald, hello. I mean, he starts off, you think, oh, he's okay. But he starts to grate real quick. Here's what I don't know. With his shitty jokes and his sort of creepy, sort of condescending. Weird laugh as well. He has a condescending kind of tone after a while, doesn't he?

Yeah. He's got one of those laughs where when someone says inappropriate and they laugh it off, it's that kind of laugh. It's like, I bet you've got a nice pirated. He has a sort of awkward laugh that seems to be trying to sort of cover the awkwardness of a silence but here's the thing I don't understand because there's very

little information there's certainly no like credits of who sings in it so I've wondered would it be the person who was Ronald McDonald at the time

doing the album because like there's been many actors who have played Ronald McDonald there's been actually as of today 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,

8, 9, 10, 11, 12 there's been 12 actors over the course of, what, 40, 50 years. Yeah. Who, 63 to 2023. So, yeah, that's 60-odd years then.

Yeah. And at this time, the actor playing Ronald McDonald had the role between 1969 and 1985, and his name is one of the best names

I've ever heard in my life. His name is King Moody. King Moody. Weird. Stool pigeon. No, that's King... I don't know. King Creosote.

I don't know why. King Moody, as in M-O-O-D-Y. Yeah. It's so bizarre. I wonder if it was a nickname. It was like, do you want to come over? No. Oh, look at King Moody over there.

Oh, dear. Very strange. It could be him. He died in 2001. He was in 2001. He was an actor. He'd been in the TV show Get Smart, which was the Mel Brooks spoof of Bond.

He also did Man From U.N.C.L.E., Dragnet, Sea Hunt, Bonanza, Bob Newhart Show. Oh, so very... He was prolific. And he played the role from McDonald's for 16 years. Suck me. It could be him, Paul, but something tells me that it might not be because this doesn't appear sounds younger doesn't he yeah and this was manufactured in germany and seems to only

have been released for the british market so i think they maybe had a division they've got different divisions they're such a huge corporation that they basically maybe just farmed it out yeah to people in europe to do to do the kid stuff in Europe. So, should we look through the... I reckon we pick two tracks, a track each, right? So you,

I'll let you pick your track first. Which one you want to go with? We have to only pick one. I think I know which one you're going to go with, but which one you want to do? I'm going to go for The Professor. I tell you what,

let's do three because we're squeezing what I think we both agree is the third one. So you're going to do The Professor. So again, there's no set up for this. I don't know if The Professor was a long-standing character in the show maybe he's

one of those ones that died off pretty quickly but the idea is look here's a wacky man and he makes odd things a mad professor now this is where i want to make my point about hauntology yeah the mad professor was a was a trope in horror right and the science fiction atomic science fiction and also in children's um stuff of the time there was often a mad professor even up to back to the future there's a sort of professor it's a it's an art dr snuggles yes all that kind of inventor yeah yeah but i think that's died out in children because we have no future back then there was something in the future you could imagine there will be a time when there'll be robots there'll be spaceships there'll be these things there'll be

and it seems to have all come to an end now at this point in the in the 21st century it's all just immaterial the technology it's like we can't conceive well you know why someone inventing something that would be a breakthrough do you know what i'm saying i know exactly what it is because back in the day our inventors were like bespectacled nerds and weird old uncles who were like oh i've created lollipops with fingers. Bobble, bobble, bobble. Now, do you know what that, what's the word I'm looking for?

That analogue is? Elon Musk. It's cunts like that. Yes. And he ain't going to make kids want to fucking go on adventures with him in his exploding cars. I'm absolutely with you. It's Elon Musk in the cat fucking adventure

in the back of an exploding car. You're exactly right and that's what i'm talking about and there's this guy who's a cultural theorist who i've just sort of got interested in who has talked about the air the death of the future which is what's happening with this so there was a conception back in the 50s 60s utopia of the future bringing things bringing inventions bringing this flying cars all that kind of now it seems to have just shut down doesn't it it's just this kind of crushing

but you know why that is neoliberal sort of capitalism because it's convenient represented by people like Elon Musk do you see what I mean it's just it's the idea of

invention isn't to improve it's to make things more convenient yes and just to monetise every single aspect of life and it's kind of depressing which kind of goes back

to the point of this album in the first place when you think about it. This whole idea of, you know, it's not really advancing much, but it seems to be filling in a gap for its bare minimum sense of we're educating kids. But you're not, really.

But that's what's interesting to me. We're at a stage now where even the professor on a fucking McDonald's record seems like there was an actual sort of, there was something in the future to look forward to. That's my point. Anyway, there was something in the future to look forward to. That's my point anyway. And the track, the professor, he's kind of, he's talked about glue and stuff

and he could do anything for you. And it's got a bit of synth noise. It's got a bit of synth. He's like lab. There's nice production on this album, I will say that. Some of the guitar work is pretty competent. Yeah. I tell you what, let's give it a listen

and we'll share the joy of this track with you right now don't be scared that's my neighbor the professor hard at work again on one of his amazing inventions let's poke our heads into his laboratory and see what's going on If you need a ship to the moon Well, I can build it soon You know you can depend on me. If you need a way to get back, the blueprints are right in my sack. The professor is a friend, you'll see.

Anything you want, I can invent for you. For instance, a psychodimensional multi-retentional glue. And if it doesn't adhere, there There's no cause for a llama fear It's not supposed to work It's just new If you have to clean up your room So yeah, a lot of these tracks on this album are fine, but there are three standouts

That's one The Professor I'm going to pick my standout now Even though it's not a great song, I like the Fry Guys one because it's got that, what did I say, the Andrew Sisters kind of

boogie-woogie, bugle-boy of whatever that song's called. But now, instead of it being three wartime sirens singing for the troops, it's three... I don't even know what Fry Guys are.

They're a mound of chips with legs and eyes. They're strange, aren't they? But what I like... Oh, I see they're guys mound of chips with legs and eyes. They're strange, aren't they? But what I like... Oh, I see they're guys made of fries. Yes. Ah.

I thought they might be the fry guys as in... Yeah, we're the fry guys. Like staff actually working the grill. Oh, yeah. No, guys who fry stuff for your food.

Most of the characters are based on the food in some respect. Fry guys, I think, are meant to... Because, you know, they've got like almost like dreads coming off the top of them. They're like little furballs made of chips. And Fry Guys, I think, are meant to... Because you know, they've got like, almost like dreads

coming off the top of them. They're like little fur balls made of chips. Little fur balls. And I think the idea is that's what they're meant to be. Like balls of chips with legs and eyes.

That's weird. Shall we have a little listen to that now? But I want to talk about this because I think it's largely shit, but I like it when they go wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobbly, wob.

It's just perfect cheap show shit, isn't it? So that's why I like it. We're the little pride guys from McDonaldland. We can sing a boogie with a hamburger and we go

bop, bop, mop, mop, mop. We go bop, bop, bop. Boppity, bop, we go bobble, bobble, bobbly-op. Mobble, mobble, mobbly-op.

Bop, bop, mop, mop. You bopple boppley bop, bopple bopple boppley bop, bop bop, bop bop. You can be a pride guy if you want to swing, just follow what we're doing and you start to sing. Bop bop, bop bop, bop bop bop, bop bop bop, start your feet a-hopping pretty soon you'll all be bopping. Bop bop, bop bop. Snap your fingers with Mayimonette cheese, and wave your hand to birdie flying over the trees. Stand your feet and then you spin around, just like Ronald McDonald, he's your favorite clown.

We're the little far guys from McDonald land. We can sing a boogie with a hamburger band. We go, pop pop, mop mop. We go, pop pop pop, boppity pop. We go, bopple bopple boppley op, mopple mopple moppley op. Look at that, too. I like it. It's a weird little thing, and it's a bit moogy as well. Yes, there's some nice bits of synth on this, and like I say, the session musicians are good.

The guy who does the voice acting in Ronald McDonald really starts to grate. Part of me wants to think it's different people throughout the album because every now and then you listen to it

and it sounds odd. Either it sounds younger or the voice is more affected because at the beginning he's like, hi, I'm Ronald McDonald but then later on he's like,

I'm Ronald McDonald. Yeah. Maybe it was I'm going to snap your neck, you MacDonald. Yeah. Maybe it was more people. I'm going to snap your neck, you cunt. Yeah, maybe there was more than one person. So do you know what Grimace is meant to be? Because I think that's the one we both want to end this with, don't we, with Grimace?

Grimace is actually pretty good, isn't it? I love it. But do you know what Grimace is meant to be? And I hope I've gotten this right. I haven't checked the internet to confirm this. I should probably do that first. Was it like a grape soda or an ice cream? I believe it's meant to be

he's meant to represent the thickness of a milkshake if you took the cup upside down took the cup off and left it there that's right that shape was meant

to be Grimace I believe before I start spreading more lies throughout the internet I'm going to try to figure out that Grimace McDonald

his surname can't be McDonald apparently they've killed him off yeah they've killed off most a lot of they pruned a lot

of the characters I think they had to get they had to let go of a lot of the characters after the lawsuits with the half of stuff yeah true but also

I mean Grimace has a sense of snuffleupagus about him yes just a little bit so Grimace is this is the McDonald's wiki because there's a

wiki for everything Grimace is a character featured in the McDonaldland adverts he's the best friend in sidekick blah blah blah blah blah blah blah he's been voiced by oh frank welker once voiced him frank welker very very established voice actor he did lots of scooby doo characters okay he was ray in ghostbusters and slimer oh right the real ghostbusters yeah yeah origins originally this is interesting grimace was the evil Grimace with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes.

See what I mean? That's at least two criminals in the McDonald universe. You've got Hamburglar as well. I think he came later though, right? Why are there so many criminals? A May McCheese doesn't seem 100% legit. Basically, McDonaldland is like current day Detroit. They need a kind of robot cod fillet.

Robot cod fillet. Robocod. Well, that's a video game, isn't it? Oh, is it? Yeah. James Pond 2, Robocod. Remember it? No, I never played it.

So after the first campaign, advert campaign, the character was revised to be one of the good guys and his number of arms was reduced by two. Weird, because he just had four arms. Yeah, to steal loads of things with he was nightmarish like Cthulian sort of demon character to start

these commercials usually portray him as a well meaning simpleton whose clumsy antics provide a comic for to Ronald McDonald's fucking boring shit that's not on the website by the way I just

read that out yeah he was the character was retained after the streamlining of the characters in the 1980s and one of the few members to also be retained until the end of the mcdonald land commercials grimace in the early days was used to advertise the happy meal as he will eat anything that comes with a toy for a number of years grimace vanished from public life appearing only in malaysia no okay in malaysian happy meals it wasn't like he went over there to fucking have like dodgy sex or anything like that. God. His first appearance

after this 2012 disappearance was in the 2020 Macy's Thanksgiving Parade alongside all the usual characters. And then he was in a Super Bowl commercial last year. Okay, so he's come back.

Yeah, he's probably the best, isn't he, of their characters? I like Mayer McCheese. He's got a deep pool of fucking good stuff, isn't he? I like Mayer McCheese. And he goes,

guess what his grandmother's called? Grandma Grimace. Winky. Oh. Put a pin in that, we'll kind of come back to that. And his brother was called King Gonga,

which I don't believe is a fucking good idea. Winky King Gonga? What was his auntie's name? Slack Fanny or something. Engorged Throbber. It's a little bit weird. Lord Throbber.

The fucking Grimace. I tell you what, when I wank, I fucking have a Grimace on my face, don't I? Wish I had four arms then. King Knob Chob. Anyway,

what species is he? Grimace is the embodiment of a milkshake, according to Brian Bates, the manager of a McDonald's franchise in Windsor, Canada. Okay, so he also says he is an enormous

taste bud. What is everyone? Why are these people allowed to comment on this? I mean... Grimace personifies every child. He is Ronald's

special pal. Everyone loves Grimace because he is innocent and loving. He occasionally causes trouble because he's clumsy but his friends overlook this because he's happy.

No, they overlook it because Grimace has got a fucking temper. And if you say Grimace, you just broke me fucking coffee table. Fucking get his forearms out and smash his shit up. Now, he has the most funky moment on this LP though. How is that not disturbing as fuck? A Grimace climbing frame where you climb into his wired belly.

That is strange. I'm putting a picture up on website about that but that's a fucking horrific nightmare. That looks like a prison. That's can't sleep clown will eat me levels of fucking terror. He has the funkiest moment though on this LP. And we're going to share it with you

now to end this segment. Gee, I'm really sorry, Ronald. That was kind of dumb. Hey kids, guess who he just bumped into? It's the Grimace. You know him. He's everybody's friend. Remus, that's my name I may look strange, but I'm really tame

Everybody loves me, they think I'm sweet I've got a heart of gold, but two left feet. Ho, ho, I stubbed my little toe. Oh, bump, bump, fell over that stump. Oh, hum, hum, that was really dumb. I think I better go back to where I came from. Hee hee. So, Eli, platter or splatter?

I think it has to be. It's tedious in places like a lot of these records are. Yeah. For children. And I really didn't like the educational bits. They were drawn out and kind of confusing and muddied. Yeah. I mean, obviously it wasn't the focus.

It's an advert, essentially, disguised as an educational tool. Yeah. It's bizarre. They wouldn't surely allow that. Well, they just wouldn't. I think the world is so cynical now that they wouldn't accept it. You'd see through it. Yeah.

But as I say, back in the day, there were lots of vinyl records that taught kids how to spell and count with McDonald on the cover. And again, there was that All Stars one that I showed you, which was some songs by Looney Tunes characters, some songs by Sesame Street characters, some songs by Ronald McDonald characters. I would love to get hold of a copy of that, honestly. I wonder if there is a recording online. There might be one on YouTube. But again, even on YouTube, not a lot of this content turns up. It's mostly like all the retro fucking video games nerds playing, you know,

McDonald's video games and educational games which they had. I believe that this would be a goldmine for sort of 90s era dance music producers. Like that.

What's it called? Toy Box Rave. Yeah, there's one bit where Ronald says, he's talking about spelling and he goes, E is for everything. Yeah.

And you can just imagine that on a dance track. Just one honourable mention. I thought you were going to do E for everything. We'd make a little dance track out of it. E is for everything. Oh, you've got two sessions

great. How'd you get to such a great... I'm laughing... A little bit of fun. A little bit of fun there. A little bit of fun there. A little bit of fun there. I will give it... A little bit of fun there. A little bit of fun there. A little bit of fun there. A little bit of fun there. I will give it a platter of only scrapes through. The Mayor McCheese needs an honourable mention.

I tell you what, if you're good boys and girl listeners, I'll stick a little bit of that on the end for you. That is also quite nice with the moogie. There's a robot voice going... That's the burger escaping isn't it and the mayor's trying to capture it I tell you what

if you've been a good if you've been a good person we'll put it at the end of the podcast for you it's just for those standout moments and the synth

for me it is a platter Paul yes it's a platter for me but it scrapes by it's not it's not an easy win that one

it wasn't it was a close thing but it did have enough enjoyment because of the synth and the grimace and the professor. Speaking of grimacing and things getting close to being horrible. Paul needs to fart or shit. I do, I do.

I'm sorry. Oh, brilliant. I'm so sorry, but it's the truth. I was talking about cultural theory a second ago. If I hold it anymore, I'll have too much culture up there. And then, my friend and then we're back to bum. If I hold this in anymore I'll have too much culture up there. And then, my friend, then we're talking rabid otter's gob

worth of fucking mess. I knew I was going to go to the otter's gob. Well, thank you for joining us once again for Cheap Show. You're doing a Ronald McDonald thing. You're trying to

cover the pain with a fake laugh that was really weird that was a weird moment in my head thanks for listening everybody we're at the end now

this is the sign off Paul's having a moment so look I just want to mention two things one is Yvonne recently sent me and Eli

a physical copy of issue 13 of the Cheap Show magazine, which, if you've been following us on Patreon, you will know is a very, very special adventure that she crafted to do a really amazing comic strip story, but made with props and little figurines, and it's just a beautiful addition. Like dioramas, aren't they? Or sort of vignettes. They're models, essentially.

And the issue comes with a little model a little tiny model of us which is standing on a coffee stain logo stand it's just

the detail is fucking fantastic all I'm saying is I go on about this a lot but if you want to help support anything other than the podcast support Event

because these magazines are genius you can go to go to our website there's a link on our website to Event's shop page on our website to a Venn shop page where you can get a physical copy. It is worth it.

These are fantastic. And for patrons, later on in the year, after you get back from America, we're going to do a kind of audiobook version so people can listen along to that. Honestly, the price isn't that bad either. It's not at all. And you can order loads of issues

because there's 13 of the boogers now and they're all getting better and more impressive. And I just wanted to give a shout out out if you're interested in supporting this podcast support event grab an issue they're fucking great and we also yes we've done a video yeah for patrons we recreated our walk featured in the uh in the magazine because that's the level of research that she put in there are actual places that physically exist in this part of London and we went there. Just about. Just about. So yeah, look, we really love this issue of the mag.

Not that they've been bad before, I'm just saying. Chef's kiss. So secondly as well, Yvonne, I'm thinking of making her executive producer at this point, but Yvonne also sent me recently a load of links to newspaper cuttings she'd found with regards to Winky.

Winky, Winky. And after reading through them, I think we have enough reason to go back into the Winky well. Wow. Because there's a lot of new information and a few new names have come to light involved with the story. And with that being said, currently trying to get a proper documentary made about this. So that might be the aim for this year at the back end. We're going to try and make proper Winky documentary and that's all it stands us right now but we'll bring them the the the facts that have come we will before that before the documentary is that right it won't be another three hour episode right there'll be an update but we might do a segment of a future episode

where we can go look we found this we found this we found this and then eventually when we get the chance to maybe do something more with it we can all put it in in one. It is exciting because these are details we were missing from our Winky episode. What number was the Winky episode? Like 181, I think, was the untold story. If you're a newer listener, go back and listen to that. It's a little deep dive episode. It's one of the few episodes you can listen with your mother. No, I think there's a lot of...

There's swearing, but there's not... I would go about the boating station down there. Yeah, but compared to, like, I don't know, this week, it's a veritable PG. Don't listen to this week's episode, everybody. If you've listened to this week's episode, don't listen to this week's episode, all right? If you can.

If you want to get rid of this memory, this is not going well for you. Just headbutt the corner of a table. It blurted from blee! He's such a twat. Twitter. Yes, we're on Twitter Twitter at the Cheap Show Pod I'm at Paul Gannon's show

and Eli is Eli Snoyd spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and look everything else is on our website thecheapshow.co.uk links to this

links to that links to the other merch episode guides it's all there but also if you'd like to support this podcast

and only if you can go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show and there's years of podcasts and videos and magazines depending on the tier you decide to join us on this podcast and only if you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and there's years of podcasts and videos and magazines

depending on the tier you decide to join us on loads of stuff there but like I always say support us if you can but only if you can don't do it if you can't if you can't

spread the word via social media that is just as good for us is that it for this week? that's it I think would you like to say goodbye to

Big Daddy Bigfoot? Is he hanging around, is he? Yeah. He's over in the corner. Bye, Big Daddy Bigfoot. Oh, he's sad

because it's over. He did look sad, yeah. He's sad because this week's episode's over. Well, perhaps he'll pop up again. Do you want to come back next week, Big Daddy Bigfoot? I think he does. He said no.

He said no. See you next time, everybody. Bye. Bye. Wonder what's going on over there. I have a funny feeling we're going to meet the Hamburglar very soon. Mayor? Mayor McCheese? What's going on? I'm after Hamburglar, and I'm going to catch him. I'm Mayor McCheese, and you know I can snatch him,

even if he's hiding out in a disguise. I know I can find him out, because I'm very wise! Hamburger! Rumble, rumble, rumble. Hamburger! Rumble, rumble, rumble. Cheeseburger! Rumble, rumble, rumble. Where's that Hamburglar?

I'll find you. I'm the mayor. There's nothing I can't take care of. Rumble, rumble, rumble. I'll find you. Well, mayor, I sure hope you do. You deserve a bite, too. You see, my friends, there isn't anything I can't do. I just brought all my friends to you.

I can do magic, but you can, too. McDonaldland's nicer because of you.