CheapShow - Ep 32: Silent Night Soil

Episode Date: December 21, 2016

Silent Night Soil. Holy Night Soil. All is calm. All is shite. There is nothing special about this "so called" Christmas Special. No magical stories. No high production values. No musical interludes. It's just Paul, Eli and some utter pointless crap. Some of it happens to be Christmas related, but don't get too excited. It's basically a regular episode. We also hear about some of history's biggest failures. The CheapShow boys only missed being on the list of failures due to the fact that it's not 1978! Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Oh, hello, boys and girls. I'm Eli Silverman. Do you know what it's time for? It's time for another episode of Cheap Show. And here's Paul Gannon. It's Christmas. But it's not a Christmas special And here's Paul Gannon. It's Christmas. But it's not a Christmas special. Yeah, we don't...

It's not a Christmas special. We can't be fucked this year. Also, people don't like specials. No. They just want a normal cheap show. So this is a Christmas tinged cheap show. With a tinge of tinsel. A tinge of yuletide.

It's the thing. I like doing Christmas specials. I like our winter wonderland and the special effects. And I spent hours making it. it and then no fucking downloads. No one downloads it. People are already interested for about, what, two fucking weeks.

Tops. And then that's it. That doesn't get much of an upload. So, Halloween specials, I love them, but no one really fucking downloads. No one cares. As soon as Halloween rolls around,

it's gone. It's done. No one's interested. Anymore. So they don't return to them. Perhaps that's the issue. I don't know why I fucking bother. Well, this is the compromise that we've been looking for, Paul.

Basically, it's a regular episode with a little bit of Christmas thrown in. A little bit of Christmas. A little bit of Crimbo because it's beginning to feel a lot like... Isn't it? Yes. Right. So, how you doing? You alright?

Bollocks. It's the same recording session as the last one. Who gives a fuck? Welcome to episode 32, ladies and gentlemen. Ladles and gentlemen. I hate it when you see people on TV and they want to kind of spice up just saying ladies and gentlemen. So they say, welcome gentles and ladymen.

Ooh! Or ladies and jelly spoons. Ladles and jelly spoons? Yeah. No, that's quite good. Oh, I've heard that though. Really, who was it? Some kind of terrible entertainer?

It was some kind of, yeah, you know, like Bobby Davro-esque. Davro sprints a night. Davro-esque cunt. So, I thought we'd just get straight into it this week. Because you've become quite popular on the YouTube. On that YouTube. For people who listen to this podcast who already know, you already know what I'm going to say. For people who may be

discovering this for the first time, Eli has become quite popular on the channel Barshans, where I thought, for a laugh, I said to Stuart Ashley when we put the channel together, we'll get Eli in as a silent clown. We'll dress him up. Great. And then you started speaking. And then people started

enjoying what you said. They don't. And now people are like, where's Eli coming back? I fucking want Eli back. Fuck Stuart. Literally every week, they're like, Eli needs his own show.

Yeah, and it is. It's this. Download this. Okay, this is it. This is the show, yes. This is it. So I'm just going to read a few of them from the recent show articles

because Stuart was ill for one of our recordings, right? Because he got the conflu. And so you stepped in.'s all apparently there's like all different varieties of conflu oh yeah it's a terrible thing they need to do something about that yeah they should ban comic cons yeah yeah well they should have separate like uh legion earth disease for geeks yeah basically isn? Yeah, they should have separate enclosures for the sweaty cosplayers.

Yes, the sweaty cosplayers who, as we discovered in the Martians podcast, I'm confused. They're 16 and dressed up sexy. What do I do? Do I touch it? You don't do anything.

You don't do anything. Yes. So... Go home. I just thought I'd read some of the comments out. Some of the comments that we got so the background to this is uh one of them came out um there's a barsham's uh what would you call

it article style yeah we have a feature a video format called sharticles sharticles where it's stupid news or stories yeah we dissect and i was doing it and filling in for stewart who was ill and barry the co-host on the day didn't get a fucking word in he mentioned furries because we were discussing broom heads what the basically yeah and i said no that's not what furries are he said what are furries i said people who dress up like dogs and fuck each other but that I knew at the time was not accurate it just came out

my mouth it was kept in the edit and then there was a little bit of anger in the comments just a little bit

of anger I mean we couldn't get up to that I just wanted to read some of these comments out because

some people really like you like in the absence of Ashen's I expected this episode of sharticles to have less cynicism but eli turned out to be one mean green cynic machine oh yeah yeah eli for president can i mention this as well remember a few episodes back i think it

was the batman man cave episode we talked about please don't vote for donald trump i can't live in a world i can't believe that would happen. I can't believe it. It happened. Not going to win to it. Next year, they're going to be like, you know... We're not talking about it. Nazi fucking zombie Hitler resurrected. He'll never be elected. King of the world.

All I'm saying is, if something comes up like Nigel Farage to be ambassador for the UK, and it's like, what a ridiculous idea. They've poo-pooed that, apparently. Good. Because I can't live in a world where Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, fucking Theresa May, got all the celebrities we've lost this year, the Brexit vote.

I just want to take a really long nifty needle and stick it right up my dick. Because that's going to be less painful than 2016 it's almost over though paul who else could die before i'm looking for mr t to die brucey brucey will go because he's retired from showbiz he's had an operation recently he's very poorly this is what will happen it'll be don't be mean Brucey flatline don't be mean to Brucey oh Brucey I hope he doesn't

but yes I think that's a good prediction I think Mr T is is unlikely to go oh just so Colton Turner on YouTube says

Eli is a national treasure of a man. I hope he reads this. I have. Thank you, Colton. Did I jack it? Is it a boy or a girl? It's probably a boy. Yeah, okay. I didn't jack it. No, I'm not saying you did. So, yeah, someone said on this

as well, just going on to that fairies, Eli has triggered all the fairies. Watch out! Yeah, this is it this is when I started to get worried Why are you worried about furries? Because they are quite a vocal subgroup, aren't they? Do you know what I mean? They're quite and they're like, you know, it's like

their own version of the whole trans sort of struggle, isn't it? Because they identify as animals, as sort of animal spirits, don't they? No, they don't. They're like dressing up as Mickey Mouse and jacking it. That's what it is.

I don't give a fuck. Is that how you're going to refer to wanking for the whole episode? Jacking it. That's good. It's dynamic. Jack it. Mashing it. I'm very pissed off with your furry comments.

We don't go off and randomly shag dogs No one said you shag dogs I said dressed up as dogs and shag each other There's a world of difference Charles is coming to kill your mind for your comment And that's by Delta the wolf dog He's a furry Look, can I just put this out there now I literally

had nothing against furries and also I know a fair amount more than was demonstrated by my comment because my friend Mark Allen did a show

called Pet Hates, was it? Oh, yeah. I remember that. And he had a whole section about how he tried

to infiltrate the furries. He got a dog outfit. Made. And it was a great outfit. I actually went and did a photo shoot in the outfit out on this park. And this kid lost his... He lost his shit. This, like, five-year-old child was like...

It wouldn't leave me alone. His mum was with him. His mum was with him. So he infiltrated the furries and what happened did he get any sex out of it no he was in a relationship at the time but he just jacketed that's the thing the furries just meet and they dress up and there's a subgroup zippers all right they they have because and there's also the plushies which are related but not the same so look anyone who's in

one of these subgroups good on you I've got nothing against you I'm sorry I said furries are people dressed up as dogs and fucked each other

I actually however do have something against you you're all fucking nuts this Yiffen party says furries are not about having sex

in animal costumes for fox sake does he say for fox sex F O X see that's it you see this is I just hope this isn't the end Animal costumes. For Fox's sake. Does he say for Fox's sake? For Fox's sake. F-O-X. See, that's it. You see, this is... I just hope this isn't the end of my YouTube career.

No. Because I'll be hounded by angry furries. Mate, you could go on... You could put a YouTube video up and just say, Hello, I like flowers. And you get people going, Flowers are fucking cunts. Why?

Of course you're going to get a fucking flower. You're such a pussy. You know, it doesn't matter what you say. Yes. People are always going to fucking take offence to something and then the dog poo comments okay so that's the other thing

I said I put forward the theory which I believed to be true at the time but I've been corrected nah fucking Barry said where's all the white dog poo yeah

which is like an advert from 2007 yeah isn't it but he said where's all the white dog poo and I said basically the reason you don't see white dog poo anymore is that the public services in the 70s and 80s

were shit and they didn't pick up dog piss and so it got old and it turned white but as I've been corrected numerous times numerous times, numerous times, in fact, it was a higher degree of bone meal in pet food at the time.

Give us a fuck. Well, I... You shouldn't have to apologise to those cretins on YouTube. But get this, right? Okay, so, someone puts this on the internet, right, as a YouTube comment underneath the shark schools.

Not that Furries are people Who gain Sexual gratification From dressing up as dogs That's what you said He comments that He says

I don't know which bit To yell at you for First You think Alright But then don't call yourself Spoods the milkman And expect to be taken

Fucking seriously Is he called Spooge? Spoods. I can't take your anger seriously. Yeah, I know. Let me just apologise. Timothy and Eccles is angry. I won't be misinformed about the furries again. Okay, everybody?

In fact, I'd be up for having a spirit animal myself. Yeah, what would you be? I'd be up for having a spirit animal myself. Yeah, what would you be? I'd be Jack Rabbit, the Jack Artist. Jacking it. Thumper. So you know me, Eli, I like going to charity shops and looking for books that are weird, right? Yeah.

I found a really good one. It was in Oxfam. It was 50p and it's called The Book of Heroic Failures. I remember seeing this as a child. Yes. Oh. By Stephen Pyle. Is he a well-known person to you?

No, that's why I went Stephen Pyle. Okay. With a kind of question inflection on it. The official handbook of the not terribly good club of Great Britain. The Irish Times called it the funniest book of the year, which means the Irish Times haven't read that many

books this year, or whatever year this book was released in. First publication. Where are we looking at there? 79. So I do remember it as a child. Perhaps it was in a toilet that I visited. This is a perfect toilet book.

It is. You're sitting there, gurning out the mass, and then you pick up a book. Sorry. Gurning out the mass? Yes. That is in a complicated way.

I could have just said shitting, but I thought I'd make it a bit more classy. Pushing the otter through the hoop. Making bum cigars. Yeah, that's good. I like it, yeah. So, I just thought we'd pick a few at random. So, just between page, let's just say page 11 and page 210.

Pick a page. Page 27. 27. Of all the things to pick, I don't know what this even means. The fullest errata list. Do you know what that means? An errata list is errors. Okay.

So in a book, it will have... Oh, in the first publication, there were all these errors, and we're correcting them for the next printing of this book. Yeah, that's what it is, yeah. So a booklet entitled The History of Cornish Pubs gained extreme popularity in 1978 on account of its impressive errata list. It contained 140

corrections to a 70-page survey. High spots include page 3, line 1, for assuming, read unassuming. Page 8, line 54, for white heart, please read white horse

page 13 line 49 for major read minor yeah that's a big one to get wrong page 32 line 19 for muse read mess yeah I left a sticky muse all over it of course

jack it football ones cultural things Dickie Mews all over it. Of course. Jacket! Jacket. Football ones, cultural things. Oh, let's have a look at this. Basically, by this time, I would have squeezed it out. I'm wiping. I've put the book down. Yeah. And thought, ooh, that wasn't very entertaining, was it?

It's like, oh, here's one you might like. Would you try and find this? The world's worst record. Is this tickle your fancy? It's tickled my curiosity. Now we're talking. World's Worst Record. Is this tickle your fancy? It's tickled my curiosity. Now we're talking. One of the most popular LPs of 1978.

God fucking hell, 1978's a popular year. Mate, all of these are from the year before this book was written. He's done no fucking research. It's like, last year, last year. What a twat. What a, this guy, pile. What a pile. One of the most popular LPs of 1978 was the World's Worst Record Show, which brought together...

Kenny Everett. Was that Kenny Everett? I'm sure. Oh, we'll find out. Which brought together 30 of the worst pop songs ever recorded. Three of the tracks were by Jess Conrad. One of them, Cherry Pie, is concerned with likening his loved one to a fruit-filled pastry.

Another asks, why am I living? To an insistent backing of, why do daddy yip yip? In the barely comprehensible transfusion, Nervous Norvus records his continuing debt to blood donors in the light of his peridiculum for speeding.

I don't know what that means. The most reassuringly pointless song is Steve Bent's I'm Going to Spain. Dicklin for speeding. I don't know what that means. The most reassuringly pointless song is Steve Bent's I'm Going to Spain. Accompanied by Maracas, he gives musical justification for his holiday plans revolving around the fact that cousin Norman had a real fine time last year. The worst is the contribution by the legendary Stardust Cowboy who yells, screams, bawls, howls, bays, whoops, yells and shouts in Wales without one word ever being comprehensible.

I think I've heard that. That's great. Until drowned out by a demonic drum and trumpet solos which defy description. I've definitely heard that. That's definitely the Kenny Everett one. All under the name of Paralyzed. Naturally, the LP was a great hit

and sold 25,000 copies in a week in London area alone right right now I'm going to find what I've just read out on YouTube I'm going to edit it in

right now So we didn't hear it, but... I've heard it. So you've heard that howling... Yeah, it's... Did we play it on Cheap Show when it used to be unclickable? No. Because you played something similar. I'm sure you've done that,

where we played some kind of weird... Shouting thing. Shouting soundscape song. And it wasn't this. No, it wasn't. I played that really shouty rock and roll number. Fair enough. I'll take your word for it

Anyway, there you go What else, I'll do one more What would you like to read here The least successful songwriter Alright For 20 years Mr Geoffrey O'Neill Had been writing for what he calls Good catchy tunes that people remember and whistle

In this time he has composed By this time I think it means now, he has composed 501 songs in three musicals. Not one of them has been recorded, published or performed by professionals. Mr O'Neill comes from the great Dunmo in Essex, files all his songs away in a case, should there be a big demand for them.

He cheerfully reports that song number 102 is called Try Try Again, while number 332 is called People Think I'm Stupid. How does Pyle even know about this guy? I don't know. Maybe things are sent to him? I don't know. I'll read this one last one out then because it tickled

me and I might go back to this in later episodes and actually read them and pick a few good ones out. Alright. The most unsuccessful version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's Princes at

London. It contained several mistakes, but one was inspired. The word not was omitted from the seventh commandment and entitled its

readers on the highest authority to commit adultery. You shall, bone your neighbour's wife. You shall get right in there, son.

Anyway, I found that in a charity shop and I thought it was alright. I might have been wrong. Apparently the worst ever film screening was in 1974 when a screening of The Exorcist was screened to an audience in La Pampa,

Rio de Janeiro. What little attention people were paying to the film was further diminished when a rat kept scuttling past the screen. Then an usherette came out, chasing it with a mop. After that, the usherette was greeted with people

crying out from the audience, get them off. So she started doing a striptease with a rat and a mop on stage until she was dragged out by the police. She says, I thought the audience were calling for me. I was as surprised as anyone. That would have been the best showing of Exorcist, if you ask me.

I'd like that. That would spice up the showing of Exorcist, wouldn't it? Your mother sucks cocks in hell. What are we going to do now then, Paul? Why don't we like we like to, play a little round of The Price of Shite. Price. Shite.

What is it? So, I've got three pieces of shite for you today, Paul. I still prefer the theme. It's jauntier, people can sing along, we do it live. Okay, I'll do it. Yeah. You do the, the only bit you do is the... And that's right. Okay. Yeah, alright, do it. Yeah. You do the... The only bit you do is the... And that's right.

Okay? Yeah, all right. Hit it. Oh! It's the fucking price of show. It's the fucking price of show. It's the fucking price of show. Oh!

It's the fucking price of show. And that's right. Thank you. There you go. There you go. Nice little spin on it. What have you got in your bag today for me to guess the price of?

First item. Yeah. Oh, that's horrible. Yes. You can't say I don't get some nasty shite. Now, this is an ornamental thing that you hang on a wall, and it has a cameo style, I think you'd call it. Ow.

In relief. So you got it. Yeah. Ow. In relief. So you got it. Yeah. It's a rose.

A golden rose. Yeah. Design. And it's three dimensional and it's stuck onto this black backing panel. It's a black and gold piece of shit. It's black and gold.

It's got a little hanger. So you hang that on your wall and you look at a rose. Lovely. It's awful. It's black and gold. It's got a little hanger. So you hang that on your wall and you look at a rose. Lovely. It's awful. It's cheap. Something my nan would have had in the 80s.

It does look like a granny item. On a wall with very grey wallpaper. Yeah. It's almost like a funeral home sort of thing as well. It's got that kind of vibe with the blackness, doesn't it? I mean,

I just, I mean, it's for the elderly. Can I take a guess at this? Because it's appalling. I find it appalling and I don't want to look at it for much longer. I just want to get this over and done with.

Touchy. It's just horrible. It's just horrible. It reminds me of like death in the 1980s. It's a funeral. Yeah, it's got a real vibe of stagnating economies. It's bringing me down., it's got a real vibe of stagnating economies.

It's bringing me down. Okay. So I'm going to say this is... This was 80p. That's the first dice. Get out of my sight. I'm not interested. Now, I know that this is technically a sort of foodstuff, so it's sort of straddling the cheap eats. Okay, alright. That's fine. It's flexible.

It's golden gum nuggets. Oh! Okay, so describe what you've got there then, Paul. It's a little pouch, a little fabric pouch, and it's got golden gum nuggets written in that kind of Wild West-y font, and a delightful, delightful

character of a prospector. He's a little cowboy sort of prospector, yeah, with a moustache. Looks like a bit of a rip-off of Yosemite Sam. A little bit of a Yosemite Sam vibe. It's like tutti-frutti flavour candy-coated bubble gum. That's true. Can I open them? Of course.

Of course. I'll take that off. It's like a drawstring. Loosen the drawstring. Do you know in the 80s we used to have this? I don't know if they have it anymore. We used to have something similar. I'm imagining what this looks like but they used to have

something called rubble gum. Do you remember rubble gum? I remember rubble gum. And rubble gum was basically... Just basically what they'd swept off the chewing gum factory floor. Yeah.

All the misshapen little fragments. Now, I don't think that's what this is so... Yes, it is. It does not look like I thought it was going to look. I thought it was going to be multicoloured or gold, but actually they look like a bag of teeth. It does have

Oh, that is nasty. It looks like a bag of teeth, doesn't it? It looks like a bag of teeth. It looks like a collection of teeth, or it looks like peanuts. It also looks like peanuts, but more like teeth. Shall I open it? Yeah.

Careful now. Where'd you get these from? A shop. That's horribly vague. They taste... It smells alright. Got that generic bubblegum,

tutti-frutti smell. Oh yeah, not too bad. It's just the colour's off-putting. And it's chewing gum, you know. It tastes exactly like bubblegum tutti frutti smell. Oh yeah, not too bad. It's just the colour's off-putting. And it's chewing gum, you know. It tastes exactly like bubblegum. Yeah, it's exactly the same. Just sort of dirt cheap chewing gum. It's fine.

I'll put it back into the old bag. I need a prize from you there. 50p. They're horrible. Shall we switch it out? I'll get you a piece of paper. Yeah. Yeah. Oh paper. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Okay. I had to flatten it into a shape so it would be fitting inside the thing. Okay, now are you ready for the last item? I am ready for the last item of the price of shite tonight. You're right. I'm just looking at them. So, for Christmas...

Oh, it's Christmas! I got this. Father Christmas. It's a ceramic Father Christmas. That does...'s Christmas. I got this. Father Christmas. It's a ceramic Father Christmas. That does. And it's in the box. As new in box. Right.

So that will affect the quality. There are up to six designs available. He's holding an umbrella. He's got a big sack open. He's got his big sack open. He's beckoning a child to whatever he's holding in his hand. He's saying,

get in my sack. He's got a pipe in that one, yeah. He's beckoning a child to whatever he's holding in his hand. He's saying, get in my sack. He's got a pipe in that one, yeah. He's holding a child ransom in a headlock, in that image. So I think that's the design we've got there. I think there's a little surprise coming your way, Paul.

It's not the advertised item. Now what have you got in there? It's better. It is. It's a collection of doodaddery. First of all, it's a Christmas tree ornament. It's like a little, I don't know, what's this made out of? Resin or something?

Yeah, a resin cast. It's a little Christmas tree that opens up to reveal Santa. Who's come down the chimney. Chimney, look. It's like it's a living room and there's some stairs going up. There's a child. Crying. A child going, what. It's like it's a living room and there's some stairs going up. There's a child who's crying. A child going, what is there, man, in the living room? He's crying because there's a strange man.

And yeah, OK, I like that. I like the tableau. That's a Christmas decoration. What else is in this box? A Christmas bumblebee, apparently. Oh, I didn't take that. There's a little cartoon bumblebee figure. And he's beckoning with his mouth

with both hands. He's shouting, he's not beckoning. He's not beckoning with your mouth. How can you beckon with your mouth? With his tongue, with his big bee tongue, beckoning. He's not, he's shouting with his hands clasped like that and he's saying join me in the honeypot

for fun. There's a bee in there. What else is in there? This is a real Aladdin's cave of Christmas ornamentation. There's another one. There's a plastic Santa halfway down a chimney.

Now, that's just, it's more typical. That's a textbook Christmas ornament. Nice ornament for the tree. Nice dangly thing. But is there anything that was on the box? No, nothing. No, there's a Christmas teddy bear.

No, it's a mouse. Is it a mouse? It's a little mouse in a Santa outfit. It's not a teddy bear. Look at the ears. Are you stupid? Might be a koala. It's not a koala. It's obviously a mouse. You can't judge me. What else is in there? Finally,

it's a tiny, teeny Santa. Now, does that look like it is the Santa that we got in the box? No, because this Santa's playing a violin. But it looks like it could be the same sort of design. Kind of, but only if it's literally the same shape as the image on the box. No, it's not, is it? And besides, you wouldn't put a tiny thing like that in a box that big. No, you wouldn't.

So, basically, we didn't get the Santa as advertised. No, we got more though. But we got four separate, five separate ornaments. I think we got a better deal. That's a good deal, isn't it? You got a bumblebee. There's an amplitude. Oh, fuck off.

I'm not going to say amplitude this episode. You just did. Right. So, I would say, fuck off I'm not going to say amplitude this episode you just did right so I don't know I would say it's not what was advertised

on the box did you know that when you bought it did you check it in the first place I had a little look inside and thought I'll wait for this

episode you know we'll discover it again I get the Santa now this is from Vancouver the

Christmas tree with Santa coming down the chimney inside. Yeah. But apart from that, we have no clue to the origin. This looks like someone's gone, I hate Christmas, my wife's dead, what's the point? I'm going to put all the Christmas decorations in a little box and give it to a charity shop. That's what's happened.

He's upgraded his Christmas decorations. Or maybe he's upgraded. Or maybe it's a little old lady who was just like, I don't want this stuff. I'll give it to the Raise My Voice

Foundation in Haringey. I'm going to, I don't know, there's so many in there. I mean, I don't understand the Christmas bee.

I mean, I just don't. But that's not for me to judge. Don't judge the bee. No. I'm going to say you paid for that

a pound on the nose. I'm going to say you paid for that a pound on the nose. Okay, so are we ready to top off the scores? The first item in today's price of shite was the black plaque with golden rose relief Granny's Living Room from the 80s

design. Death mask. You said... I think I said 75p. It was a pound. Okay, so I get a point. You get a point there. Okey-do said... I think I said 75p. It was a pound. Oh, okay. So I get a point. You get a point there. Okey-dokey. I'm happy with that. Moving on to the Golden Gum Nuggets. I said 50p for that. Now, I've fooled you.

Oh, oh, oh. Because I found this in Brixton Tube's... We ate that. We ate that. So, hold on to it in case you get some kind of terrible stomach cramp later today. You had some too. I know. At least it was sealed.

It was sealed. I think we're safe. Mate, can we have a rule of not picking things up off the street that we then eat? It wasn't the street. It was in a tube station. It's the same difference. Well, that's a bonus, isn't it? Only for like cholera.

And how much did you say it was? Well, 50p. Oh, you're within 50p, aren't you? Yeah. Because it was nothing. All right, so a point there. A point there. And just hang that, keep that around in case you have to show it to the doctors.

You know, add some spice. Fool June. Now I feel really ill. Oh, come on. It was fine. Anyway, what the Christmas? Oh, now I feel really ill. Oh, come on.

It was fine. Anyway, what the Christmas? And the assorted Christmas decorations in a box, Father Christmas item box that is not what we got in the box. No. But we got more value. Yeah. You said... I said a pound on the nose.

It was £1.50. Oh, so I get three points overall then. So... Not too bad. Not too bad. Not too bad. Not too bad. And that is the Christmas tinged price of shite tonight. Right,

and because it's almost Christmas, but not very Christmas, special, special, not very special, I thought I'd go to Poundland and see on a small budget what you can get. To warm your heart. To warm your heart. To warm your heart. A little bit of Christmas joy.

Crispy and even. Deep and crisp and even. So I bought three things. Deep and Finder's crispy pancakes. I bought three things from Poundland to see if they could brighten your Christmas up. So here's the first thing. Is it the Feast of Stephen? No.

I'm obsessed. Well, you are obsessed. Night Soil. Do you know what that is? No. Human poo. Night Soil. Do you know what that is? No. Human poo. Night Soil? Yeah.

It always, whenever I hear that... Night Garden. No. Like a kid show. No. In Night Garden. When I hear the

Old King Wenceslas. Yeah, Old King Wenceslas looked out on the... For years I thought it was Good King Wenceslas last looked out. Yeah, but he's called Wenceslas.

What a stupid fucking name. It deep and crisp and even. It always makes me think of flapjacks or something. Good. It makes me want to eat the snow. You're fucking crazy. And it also makes me think of human manure. Yeah, human snow.

Why does it? Night snow. Night soil. A night soil. I don't know. Anyway, I got some things from Poundland. Okay, and they're Christmas. They're Christmas.

So I got this. It's aland. Okay, and they're Christmas. They're Christmas. So I got this. It's a scented jar candles, pack of three. Already I'm getting a... So I'm just going to pull them out and I want you to guess what you think the smell might be. Okay. So here's one. It's a little red candle.

It's a red one. Give it a sniff. That would do good as a sort of... Shot glass. A big shot glass. Yeah. A big shot glass. Shut up. Go on shot glass. Yeah. A big shot glass. Shut up.

Go on, have a sniff. I think I'm drunk off that chilli. Woo! Go on, sniff it. Mmm. It's like the inside of a mall. A mall? Like a shopping mall?

Yeah, it smells like a shopping mall. Yeah, but what sense are you getting? What kind of flavours? What amplitude are you fucking getting? I'm not going to say amplitude. Go on. That is... You're getting high.

It's so familiar. Is that maybe one distinct flavour? It's two flavours, but if you get any one of them right, I'll be impressed. Not that it's hard. Cranberry. It's one of them, yeah.

Thank you. Well played. I'm good at tasting. Youranberry. Is one of them, yeah. Thank you. Well played. I'm good at tasting. You have quite the nose for this. And what's the other, there's one other flavour in there. It's a citrus. Orange.

Well played. That's exactly what it says in the orange cranberry it says there. So there you go. Well, you said citrus. I know, but it could have been lemon. Well, no. Because you can't taste the lemon.

So here's the next one. Ooh. So he's going to put his big schnoz in it again. What do you think? What are you getting? Cinnamon. Spot on. I'll give you the point for that already. And there's something else, is there?

No, not really. Cinnamon is basically the gist of it. But it says cinnamon spice on the label. It's kind of a vanilla underneath. Yeah. Nice little spoke. It's not too bad. I prefer the cranberry one

so far. Now the third and final one. You're not going to get this because it's such a generic title but I want you to see what you think the smells are. Oh, that's like toilet cleaner.

It's pine. Obviously they've gone for a pine. Yeah. But it's got that real antiseptic. It's like toilet duck. Yeah, it does have that smell of toilet duck

doesn't it that's the least pleasant of all three that's simply called Christmas spruce yeah spruce up your toilet maybe that's what

you put in your toilet after you have a big turkey based shit the day after Christmas oh god yeah it's not good it's very antiseptic yeah

it's really in terms of quality it's a few notches down from the other two yeah you liked that one didn't you yeah cranberry and orange

but it's got that kind of artificial it reminds me of being in WH Smith in Brent Cross Shopping Centre aww aww

memories do you remember Gherkin Scratch and Sniff stickers no and we had this discussion a long time ago and I said no then and you got really excited about Gherkin scratch and sniff stickers? No and we had this discussion a long time ago and

I said no then and you got really excited about gherkin scratch and sniff. Alright anyone send them in. You lowly twat. Right here's the

next thing. It's this. Now it's a little box that says Merry Christmas join us for secret Santa party annual gift exchange.

Now the point is is that you buy this and you give it to someone and they don't know what's in it yeah but I know what's in it

because there's a sticker that they put on which tells you what you're buying okay so you do know I know what's in it but I want you to open it

and tell me have you ever been to a Secret Santa yeah and they're shit always shit because you go I'm going to get someone something really nice

and you get them something really nice and then you're chautiered and someone gets you like a sock or a fucking pen no but have you seen the way they do it where everyone gets a number shit because you go I'm going to get someone something really nice and you get them something really nice and then you're chosen and someone gets you like a sock or a fucking pen. No but have you seen

the way they do it where everyone gets a number? If you go first you've got that gift and then if someone gets number two they get a gift

but then they can swap it with number one if they want. Oh that's not So the higher your number the better more choice you've got.

I don't like that. It's very on Christmas Eve it's very competitive you can take something nice away from someone who maybe they like it yeah they do that's cunt tricks

yeah I don't like it I've got a higher number so I'll have that bottle of whiskey thank you you can have this fucking scented candle

that's what I'm giving away anyway you know what I mean yeah so it's bullshit so you get a little pouch so what's this you just get it

and you go ooh it's secret it's secret so Eli I got you pouch and so what's this you just get it and you go ooh it's secret it's secret so Eli I got you a secret Santa gift ooh you shouldn't have open it I know I shouldn't

you really shouldn't so no actually I know and once you see it you'll be like really actually I don't know you

so it's a sort of it's a box little wallet little wallet box cardboard and what's inside and it's got a space in the back to say to from

you know all the usual bits of information and what's inside? And it's got a space in the back to say to, from. You know, all the usual bits of information. What's it got in here? Oh, what is it? He said, because I know. It is... You can just look at the picture. A catapult.

Planes. It's a catapult for planes. Little mini planes. Make your own glider catapult. Cré-tu-plén-nour. This is going to be... Shit. Why don't you take that home with you and make it?

Take a picture and put it up on the website so you can see the thing. But have you got that as a Secret Santa gift? If I was seven, I'd still want a PlayStation. Yeah, you're just sitting there doing your work in the office and suddenly it flies across, hits you in the ear and goes, thanks for that, dickhead. Yeah, you know what I mean. Because that's it.

That's all it is. It's just crap. Look at this crap that people make, man. Plazzy crap. Plazzy crap. I mean, it's just going to be... But it's a pound for a pound. We're killing the world.

We'll have a dead planet just knee deep and all because we feel compelled to play secret fucking Santa bullshit so there you go it's a sad world

it is we're in a post Trump era we're not talking about we're not doing politics we're not doing politics I can't deal with it you know

for a quid worth it no you get stickers to put on for a quid and make it wacky? But it's just like, all this gifting. Do you know what? I just hate Christmas. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, everyone. I don't like it much. It's just pressure. It's pressure and stress and a lot of money being spent. And just for nothing. For nothing. For the emotional blackmail of going through that shit. At least with Halloween you get some cool movies.

Yeah. You know? And you get to scare people. Yeah, and sometimes ladies dress up sexy. Yeah, and you can go, come and over, watch a horror film.

You put your arm around it, she goes, hold me closer, and you fucking get in there afterwards. Ooh, jacket! Yeah, jacket, yeah. Jacket!

You can't do that on Christmas. Come on, let's sit down and watch. No, because you're nerds in the room. Oh, Miracle on 34th Street, baby. Very good. Finally. Well put. Create your own down and watch. No, because you're nerds in the room. Miracle on 34th Street, baby. Finally. No put. Create your own ugly Christmas sweater kit. Oh my god, I hate this crap

so much. So it's basically a box full of Fuzzy Felt with reindeer, antlers, snow, baubles. So you don't have to have... Like this jumper I've got right here. Are we going to try it? Let's try it right now So You open it up

You get a little box A little bag full of Little bits and bobs And glitter That's some effort That's gone into this Yeah And so you can go

Look Instant Christmas jumper Rather than having to have one Bought for you Yeah Or buy one You can just take

Look It's a Christmas It's a father Christmas beard It is a Christmas beard You stuck that on How does it stick on? It's just fuzzy felt I, it's a Father Christmas beard. There's a Christmas beard. You stuck that on. How does it stick on? It's just fuzzy felt. I mean, it doesn't stick on very well.

It doesn't stick on very well at all. But I don't give a fuck. So, look. Bits of fuzzy felt. There you go. This is no face, Santa. You've got to give him some eyes. I've got to give him some eyes.

You're right. First of all, I'm giving him... He's got bobble eyes. I put bobbles on. Oh. There's a little cane. I'm putting a cane on my tits. There you go. Oh, my bobbles are gone.

The bobbles are gone. The bobbles are down. The candy cane's down. This is a terrible gift. It doesn't work. Or maybe... Maybe my jumper's not bobbly enough. Your jumper's not bobbly enough.

Right, hang on. I don't have eyes, so I'm going to use these two square bits as eyes. Oh, yeah. Is that looking all right? That's looking all right. Is that looking all right? I need a little bit of flair,

so I'm going to put a Christmas package. Right, take a picture. No, the bobble's gone. The nose fell off. Take it. Yeah? Mate, you've got loads of photos now. Excellent.

So, we'll put them up on the website. But for a quid, you get all these little bits of... That's terrible. Again, it's just crap that they shouldn't have made and it's filling the world with utter, utter junk. Yeah, but I think, actually, this is more tolerable. It's got a bit of a sort of creative aspect to it, I suppose. Yeah, because, look, you can make your own stupid fucking jumper

and not have to have a permanent one bought that you'll only wear once a year. Did you ever used to wear a Christmas jumper? Never. I hate that.

I never. It's another thing I hate about that bloody season. Christmas wacky jumpers with Santa Claus going ho ho ho. What's worse is the kind of hipster ones

with like Nintendo on. Yeah or Gremlins and Divehorns. Oh god I'm sick of geek culture. Sorry, all you persons who are geeks. So, that was a quid. That's not bad for a quid, I think. Look, it's got baubley eyes.

I didn't find the baubley eyes. It just falls off immediately, though. There might be something to it, though. There might be instructions about how to keep it on. You'd have to use glue. I mean, you'd ruin a good jumper, then. Or also ruin a good jumper yeah and skin if you there's an open one that just goes directly into the body staple gun yeah so you know so sweater christmas kit a pound uh and look it even says on it create your own ugly christmas so it knows it's in on

the joke it's in on it's in on the joke. It's in on the joke. It's in on the joke. It's in on the joke. You know, the Christmas secret Santa pack and the candles. So for three quid, that's Christmas in a nutshell, isn't it? Well, that's what I'll do. I'll just buy that. That's all you need. Light a candle. Shit present. Jumper.

Candles. Cry. Watch a Roger Moore. Bonfile. Yeah. Octopussy. Moonraker. I don't remember anything about Octopussy.

He dresses as a clown. Faberge egg. Chase on a train. That. Octopussy. Moonraker. I don't remember anything about Octopussy. He dresses as a clown, Fabergé egg, chased on a train that is badly greenlit, you know, green-screened. Oh, really? So, like, you see the long shot to the actual stuntman jumping, of Roger Moore jumping across. And then it cuts to him, obviously against a green screen, going,

Oh, I'm old. He's been old for years, hasn't he? He was old before he even got the role. I think he was 80 when he first got the role of Bond. No, he wasn't. And he was 110 when he did The View to a Kill. When he had to pretend he could shag Grace Jones. He couldn't shag Grace Jones.

She would eat him. Eat him from the stem up. Wow. Anyway, so that's Christmas. Three quid. What's your favourite thing? Oh, scent and candles. Yeah, scent or candles. I like the scent. Yeah. It's nice. Three quid. What's your favourite thing? Oh, scent and candles. Yeah, scent or candles.

I like the scent. Yeah. It's nice, apart from the pine one. Yeah. Which just makes you think you're in the loo. Yeah. And do you know what I'm going to do for Christmas? Wank.

Not every day. Not specifically for Christmas, but yes, there will be, obviously, that. Tuggings. Christmas. Tuggings. Tuggings. Christmas. Tuggings. Tuggings of glory. I'm going to get a kebab. Oh, a Christmas kebab.

I really want to spend Christmas by myself this year. Do it. So I'm just, when everyone, anyone who might, because you say, someone goes, oh, what are you doing for Christmas? And you go. I'm going to be by myself and they go oh come with us come to us

and it's like no I actually don't want to do that at all but anyway yeah I actually wouldn't mind

just being left alone to have a large kebab and I'm not talking just one kebab I'm talking like the special which is like

25 quid you get everything you get a bit of everything you get chicken wings lamb ribs you get the cocktail you get the sheesh in there I'm going to jack it

you're always going to jack it right well there you go that's all not very Christmas Christmas cheap jokes I don't care. Look, happy Christmas if it's Christmas and you listen to this.

If it's not, we apologise that you're listening to this out of season. All right? All right. So, with that said, thank you for listening to Cheap Show. I've been Paul. I'm Eli. And you can follow us on the Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. The email to send us stuff and get in touch is TheCheapShow at gmail.com

and every image and picture from the episode that you've just listened to will be up on our website, TheCheapShow.co.uk. What's a witty thing to say goodbye to? I don't know, Noel Coward as he leaves? Yeah, it's pretty... The only thing worse than being talked about is... It's true.

Well, I'd say there's a lot of gradients of bad stuff in between those. Yeah, probably. You know? Even those curtains leave. That's what he said. That was not Noel Coward. That was Oscar Wilde.

They're all the same. They're not all the same. They're all witty cunts. You're not troubling the ranks, that's for sure. No, fuck it. Bye, anyone. Merry Christmas. you