CheapShow - Ep 320: Brent Crosspocalypse Now

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

They swore they’d never go back to Brent Cross. After their first adventure (Ep 104 Malltwats), Paul and Eli agreed that there was never going to be a reason to return. What would be the point? However, when they discover that the Brent Cross Shopping Centre now has a “Charity Supermarket” within its walls, it looks like CheapShow has no choice but to go back. They should have stayed away. What begins as a merry jaunt into North London, VERY quickly gets derailed and becomes one long disaster. It’s an episode of confusion, confrontation, and frustration. This could be CheapShow’s worst walkabout episode. Or it’s best? Why not listen and find out? See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-320-brent-crosspocalypse-now And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Eli! Eli! Eli! Eli! You've got to come back with me! Paul, what is it? You've got to come back with me! Come back where? Back to Brent Cross! Something's got to be done about your kids, Eli! Something's got to be done about your kids, Eli! Oh, Paul. Oh, Paul. No, mate, there's a really good reason to go back to Brent Cross. I know I said I'd never do it again, but...

I mean, I'm up for going back to Brent Cross any time. I love it there. Yeah, I know you do, but I said I'd never do it again. Do mean, I'm up for going back to Brent Cross any time. I love it there. Yeah, I know you do, but I said I'd never do it again. Do you know there used to be some wooden statues? You've fucking finished that sentence. If you dare finish that fucking sentence. Your bum hole finger smelt of bum hole finger. You dare. The horse's bum smelt of bum hole finger.

Listen, look, the reason why... No, I'm up for it. Let's go to Brent Cross. Sure. The reason why is because Brent Cross Shopping Centre now has a charity shop supermarket where a bunch of charity shops all share this big floor space

and there's loads of stuff in there. I'm thinking we go there, we get some price of shite stuff we get whatever, whatever, whatever and we go and do a little game about it and we come back to yours afterwards and do a price of shite, something like that. Absolutely, I think it's our duty as arbiters of all that is charity shop to check out this new development

in the scene. Yes, so that's what we're doing this week on your favourite comedy economy podcast, The Cheap Show. Eli and I going back to Brent Cross. Eli, what could possibly go wrong? Not much. I mean, it's great. Brent Cross is great.

It's fucking not. It's a horrible shithole that makes me feel depressed. So we're going to go, but we're not going to take the pilgrim route like we did last time, which involved going to Kilburn first and then going... We're not doing any of that shit. We're going straight there and straight back. OK. I don't want to push me luck. I've just got a good feeling in my bones, Eli. Again, I'm going to set it up again. What could possibly go wrong? I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Off-brand, brand-on, off-brand, brand-on

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And a go and a nuzzle.

Right, we're off. Ooh, what a fresh day it is. It's such a fresh day. It's a fresh day, it's a fresh day. Salty fresh one day. But we're not doing a Gannon's Golden Quest this year. By the way, I've decided Eli, this year is the year of the sequels for us. Ah, so we've entered the end of history.

We've entered the we're running out of ideas part of the podcast history. We've entered the slow denigration and dissolvement of the future. Yeah, everything old is new again. Novelty dies here.

So, sequel to Malk. We did a sequel to last year's time-hopping episode. We're going to do a Eurovision. Euro-envision. And now we're doing a sequel to Maltwats, which is an episode in the early hundreds, which I listened to last night in preparation for today's excursion. Just so we don't end up repeating ourselves or following similar beats or thoughts and processes.

We already have been. We already are. Let's just repeat ourselves. It's the year of the sequels, everyone. So, we are heading now to the bus stop, the Turnpike Lane bus stop. Which bus are we getting, sir? It's the 232 I believe, which is the one when we originally visited Brent Cross, it was the one that we returned home on. Yes. It can be quite an arduous, cramped little affair, but we're hoping, because we're going this time of day, which is about 1.20 is it? Yeah. That it's going to be relatively

traffic and other passenger free. We can only hope only hope now i was in a right grump last time but that's because um i hate eli and his interests and so this year i promise to be upbeat okay well i hope so paul because you really did have a giant bag on talk like that i'll give you another big bag i'll give you give you another big bag i'll give you a fucking two sack, I'll give you another big bag. Oh, will you? I'll give you another big bag. I'll give you a fucking two-sack bag. I'll give you a fucking big, jolly, wet bag full of sloppers. I'll give you a full load in the face. All right, well, that's a bit... If you want to ejaculate in my face, don't do it in anger.

Do it from love. I only ever ejaculate in anger. Anyway. Here we are. Here we are at the bus stop. It's not just a bus stop, it's a bus station, Paul. It's a bus hub. We're near the mural. It's like the a bus stop, it's a bus station, Paul. It's a bus hub. We're near the mural.

It's like the character from Dukes of Hazzard. Bus hub. Oh, I'm not funny. You're so on. You're so on. Now, we're near the mural featuring Laurel and Hardy. Yeah, we've been... Anyone who watched our recent Patreon video about the Herbert Road adventure will know we've been here before.

Oh, look, pastries. That's pastry. You can get Turkish pastries here in this bus hub, which makes it quite unique. Wait, which bus are we getting from here again? 232, so let's have a look. Let's have a look. That's 141, 123, 144, 444, 341, 217. 232.

There you see it. Oh, yeah. Yes, we're getting that. And that will take us direct. There's the 184. But it's not that bus, but it's a similar size. Single decker. Single decker.

You know what I mean? Single decker. Halfway down the carrow place. Desmond decker. Single decker. Desmond decker. Yeah. Everything's going to be all right.

Why? That's Bob Marley's song. What did Desmond decker do? He did 007. He didn't do everything's going to be all right. That's a Bob Marley song. What did Desmond Decker do? He did 007. He didn't do everything's going to be all right, it's Bob Marley. Every little thing. That wasn't what I was thinking of. What were you thinking of?

Everything going to be all right. You terrible person. I just referenced some bosses. You're not. You're putting your foot in thin water, mate. All right, this is 1232. Where does this bus go? How long does it take?

So it says we are here, Turnpike Lane bus station. And then to Brent Cross it says 51 minutes. And that's with traffic being on our side. Is that what it says, 51? Yeah. So we're going to get comfy, mate. We're going to have to get very, very comfy. See when it's due. See it when it's due. I'm going going to get comfy, mate. We're going to have to get very, very comfy.

I see when it's due. I see it when it's due. I'm going to check CityMapper now. And you check CityMapper, which let me down last night. I sent a deaf man into the streets thinking there was a tube, and there wasn't a tube, and he got frightened. You sent a deaf man into the streets. Oh, he was a radio guest.

He was a radio guest. And he goes, I need to get home to Morden. And I was like, oh, my co-producer went, oh, I'll check City Tracker. And City Tracker said, get the tube all the way there. City Mapper, whatever. Try and use words that actually correspond to the meaning you're trying to utilise in your brain.

Try and use a face that isn't repulsive to look at to the average human eye. Again, how can I change my face? I can't. You're category error. Fucked. Hello, I'm Paul Category error. Fucked. Hello. I'm Paul Category Error Ganner. Don't get close to me with your foulness.

How dare you. Life-saving defibrillator. They have that all over the place. Have you noticed? Yeah. Because old people die here, I guess. It's a good thing. If you have a heart attack or someone you know,

you can use a defibrillator. Or if you piss me off, I just put them straight to your temples. Oh, you can just put it on your nuts if you really can't. Get off on it! Clear. That fucking nutted one.

Electric glue. Have you ever come by defibrillator? Yeah. Fucking splashed it. Excuse me, love. It's been a while, but the only thing that gets me off is if you put a defibrillator on each side of my shaft. You've got to shout clear.

It's really not good news. What? It's really not good news What? It's really not good news What's not good news? Look at this, 17 minutes till the 2-3-2 That can't be right really My point being is that it's a bus that City Map has let me down a few times recently

So that's why I'm Let me see what it says I'll see what it says in terms of getting to Brent Cross from here I'm going to do that on Google Maps Right, we're both doing it now Let me see what it says. I'll see what it says in terms of getting to Brent Cross from here, because it might be... I'm going to do that on Google Maps. OK. Right, we're both doing it now. So I'm going to do from here to...

Brent of Cross. Brent of Cross. Brent of Cross Shopping Centre. Right, it says there's a bus in... one minute. Oh, no, wait there. What, 14 minutes past? What time is it now? So it says four minutes. There's going to be a bus in four minutes. Two no, wait there. What, 14 minutes past? What time is it now?

So it says four minutes. There's going to be a bus in four minutes. Two, three, two. Really? Yeah. It's not on my city map it says. It's what it says here.

Look, 14.14 is when the bus is due. Two, three, two. Boogaloo. Doodly-doo. You'd hope so, but that's not what mine is saying. Anyway, we're going to sit here now and wait.

All we can do is sit and wait. All we can do is sit and wait. All we can do is just sit and wait. What song even is that? It's a song from the past, isn't it? All you can do is sit and wait. A song from the past. All songs are from the past, Paul. No, here's a song from the future.

Worsh-nit, worsh-nit. Why is it backwards? Because it's from the future. You are invalid. Not like an invalid, which is also not valid. Oh, he likes Mr. Hate Silverman.

Disgusting. Let's just wait for this fucking bus. We'll be back in a bit. It's not Bucks Fizz. It's making your mind up like Bucks Fizz. It's not making your mind up

like Bucks Fizz. It's making your mind up. Yeah. You've got to give it up and then you've got to let it down, then you've got to do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Making your mind up. Making your mind up. Right, we've been on this bus for about 40 odd minutes, right? That's right, Paul, and it did get quite busy, unfortunately, but

apart from that, it's been a relatively pleasant journey. Relatively pleasant journey. There was some guy complaining about a friend of his who was a lazy so-and-so. Yeah, someone went, he hasn't drunk in a week, and he went, yeah, it's because he fell over when he was pissed last week because he hasn't been able to drink because his arms are broken or something, wasn't it? Yeah, something along those lines. Then did you notice he also called, someone else called him,

and he did a Scottish accent for the whole of that phone call. Yes. He answered it and went, Hey, how are you there, buddy? And then he smiled to himself. He was probably just pranking one of his friends. Maybe, but also maybe he's a world-class voice technician and he's a thousand people to a thousand people.

Well, here we are Paul we're pulling in pulling into the bus station at Brent Cross and I'm thrilled I'm looking forward to this department store size charity shop now lots of different charities are using different parts of this is that right that's my understanding they're all sharing floor space of abandoned new looks or next or whatever. We got Oxfam we got... Barnardo's I think I think there's a bit of everything here we're gonna find out put it that way. We're just departing the bus now here we are excellent stuff we got off at bus stop, if anyone's following us on the internet. Fuck me.

Interactive map. Oh, look, they've still got the funfair. I thought that was always not permanent, but there's always a ferris wheel and a stupid shitty castle. Yeah, they've got the funfair across the Brent from Brent Cross. Across the Brent from Brent Cross, and they've got a castle there. Looks like Disney. It seems to have expanded since the last time we were here.

Maybe, but I don't think it's on. Nothing's moving. No one's on it. No, perhaps it's permanent, but it only operates part of the year. Depressing, though. I always find funfairs like that depressing. Why?

Just because they are what were you recording uh this is for me okay because it's private property anything that goes on in here we need to know all right okay have you got permission well if it's inside we're just recording Right, we had to cut that short then because a little busybody security guard who said he was a manager stopped us. Come over here, come over here. Stopped us and went, you can't record in here. And we were like, what?

And he goes, no, he said, you can't film in here? And we weren't filming and recording. And he goes, no, you need to get permission. And I looked this up just now and it said filming, sketching, photography, you need permission. There's no laws at all for the audio stuff. About audio, and I basically grew a little impatient.

I was a little impatient vocally. Nearly got us kicked out. Your friends give me a little bit of sass, mate. He said attitude. He used the word I was giving him attitude, because I was just impatient. I was just like, there's nothing. It says you can't film,

but it doesn't say anything about audio, and it just it just got my back up a bit Paul to be honest I reckon he was just kind of throwing his little weight around because he said he was the manager of Brent Cross kept saying it again and again I don't think he was the manager of Brent Cross because managers don't stand by the gates of the door by the bus stop no looking for people he can exercise a little bit of power over do you know know you've got that real feeling with that? Yeah, I got really fucking annoyed with him. Yeah. Anyhow, let's collect ourselves, Paul,

because we have reached our destination. We found it very easy. We're here, and we're standing outside the charity shop supermarkets. It says charity super super market. Garms for good, secondhand, resale therapy, shop with purpose. I think it says here, good quality clothing accessories, wanted to support all these charities. So this is a place where all the money

that you spend here goes to these, like Trade, Barnardo's Shelter, Age UK, Marie Curie Cancer Research. But they are second-hand goods as well, like a standard charity shop. I wonder, is there any bric-a-brac, vinyl, books, any of the other stuff that you get in charity shops?

Or is it all just clothing? I think what we should do is have a little look around and then once we have a little look around, we'll come back and come up with a plan. Because the plan might be fuck this and go somewhere else for a laugh. Because I've been rubbed at the wrong fucking leg by that guy. So evitable.

He said I had attitude. I was not being rude. I was just saying, well, what's the issue? Yeah. And he couldn't articulate it very well anyway. He couldn't. He just didn't want us. Let's just have a look around here. He didn't want to.

Cunt. Now, let's just have a little look around, and then we'll come back, and we'll reassess. We'll tell you what we've seen. Okay. All right? Okay. Oh, fucking mad. Right, well, we've come up the... Well, I've come up the backside of Brent Cross,

because, erm... You know, like, how sequels are never as good as the first one. This is definitely one of those situations. Not only has there been more security eyeing us this time out and telling us we can't record, and then we went into the charity shop itself, the supermarket, and it was lovely. As I say, it's packed with stuff of clothes,

but unfortunately there's no bric-a-brac, there's no vinyl, there are no gadgets, no toys, noac there's no vinyl there are no gadgets no toys no board games no nothing so it's just clothes we didn't come here for clothes we are going to do clothes one day so Eli's just gone to get a coffee and then we're gonna have to come up with a plan b because Brent Cross does not want us this week proving once and for all that we never need to come back here ever so anyway I'm going to go back to Eli we're going to come up with a plan I think we're going to Potter and then we're going to go to Hendon and do some charity shop shopping there

and see if we can find something to do something. Otherwise, this is going to be a bust of an episode. I haven't got a plan B. I'm just going to go back in. All right, we're back in now. Past the eye clinic. We're going to head in. He's getting a coffee for us.

We're going to come up with a plan B there. So, oh, shit. What to do? What to do? What to do? What's going on with Brent Cross today, mate? Seriously. There's an aggy atmosphere in Brent Cross.

I just had a big confusion at the Starbucks, Paul. Someone gave me the first drink, which was your latte, and they said it was for Ellie. And I thought, OK, that's fine, because I've given my name as Eli. A lot of the time they mispronounce her as Ellie, so I rightly identified that as my drink. Gave it to you, and then a different member of staff brought out a drink that was my size and said Ella, and I thought, oh, that must be me.

There's another mistake that's happened there. Yes, because it sounds a bit like Eli, doesn't it? Turns out there was an actual woman called Ella there, whose drink that was, who I grabbed, and then my drink came out. The drink, not her. I need to make that clear. I grabbed a drink, and then a third drink came out for ellie which was my actual drink and i realized my mistake and then this lady ella comes up to claim her actual drink and i smiled and then i said to her oh i grabbed it by mistake she went

what what and i and i said i grabbed it but i thought you said you had some and i hadn't had some you hadn't had some. You hadn't had some. You just held it in your hand momentarily until the confusion was cleared up. So, we're all going a bit skew-whiff, isn't it, today? This is just another sign that I never need to come back to Brent Cross. The first time was on a whim of yours, and that's fine. I followed your whim to the bitter end. This time, the vibe's like, keep out.

Keep away. You're not welcome. There does seem to be some kind of overarching psychic force pushing at us. Yeah, we've learned a valuable lesson today. Never go back. Just never go back. Never turn back to old.

Never sequelise. Never sequelise? I'm beginning to regret my year of sequels plan already based on this alone. Paul, is is the James Bond to live another day, die another to live and die another day, die that's the one, die, die, day, tomorrow tomorrow never dies

the BMW I've mentioned this before but it was here we're standing outside it now we were here last time saying the exact same thing so we need to come up with a plan mate because bread cross don't want us we've been literally harassed harassed out yes did you

mention um that the charity shop was just all clothing and i said yeah it's all clothing it's all worthy it's all great there's lots of charities benefiting from the shared space that's fine nothing Nothing for us. No, and I don't think that's even the biggest charity shop I've seen. I'm sure there's ones up in Barnet that have a similar foot... What do they call? Foot area. Footfall.

Foot land. Foot area. Foot fetish. Foot off. Licky, licky foot wax. Foot grumble. Foot snot. Foot snot. Anyway, so we have to pivot, as you said, Paul.

We have to find a podcast somewhere in the wreckage of what's happened to us. This is wreckage. We arrived and the vibes got us immediately. It was like off the bus. Hey, let's go. Stop. Yes. Stop.

Who are you? Who are you? I'm the manager of this building, he said. I am the manager of this building. He said. I am the manager of this building. He wasn't the manager, that's for sure. You know what, I'm going to take a picture of him and then I'm going to shame him on the internet. We shouldn't do that.

No? No. But what are we going to do, Paul? Are we going to go to Hendon and see if we can find some charity shops there? We're going to have to do something, right? We're near Hendon. Are there charity shops in Hendon? Yes, plenty.

There's like a Hendon High Street, which must be stuffed with them. Let's do that then. Let's get a local bus to Hendon. Because I wanted to go Smiths and grab a board game or two, because I believe they've got a sale on. We can do that. And then we can get a bus to Hendon from there.

Let's do that. That's the plan. All right, let's do that then. In that case, oh, mate. Oh, God. Right, so I went... You've got gut issues. I've got issues. And the thing is, I want to fart, but I know if I push my luck,

it's going to end in brown disaster. You want to twist on 19? Stick or twist? I'm going to stick for as long as I can, mate. Well... Before my pants go bust. They do say never trust a fart over 50, but you seem to be never trust a fart over 50 but you seem to be never

trust a fart over 40. I wouldn't trust any of my farts on any given day, frankly, at this point. Because, mate, I've done that before where I've gone, oh, that was a big deep fart then looked at the evidence in my pants later and found a brown pollock there waiting to be discovered.

Mate, what are we going to do with this fucking shit? I don't know. You know what? If one of the strengths of Cheap Show is we make gold out of graphite, then we're all right. Okay. No, graphite's still... That's a terrible...

Gold out of shit. Gold out of guano. Silver out of shit. Gold out of guano. We're making guano out of gold for this week's episode. You really are. We've been really loud outside the multi-faith and quiet room. Oh.

This is going to turn into another incident. Mate, we're going to get turfed off. People of faith. Angry people of faith. What is that? It's a little space you go to if you're out and about and you're shopping. It's a little prayer room, isn't it, I guess. I guess it's all right.

It's nice that they have it. It's a little porter cabin. It's a bit shit. It's a porter cabin, I'll be honest. Faith porter cabin. It's like, you want to be religious? Fuck off to the shell outside, mate. Well, if you've got an actual faith, you go in there.

But if you worship Mammon, you've got a whole shopping centre next to it. If you worship the mighty dollar, come to Brent Cross. So, all right. So I'll tell you what. Then let's put a pin in this. Taking some nice shots. We're next to the Wenzels. They've reached even here. Wenzel. We're doing it. We're next to the Wenzels. They've reached even here.

Wenzel. We're doing it. We're going to go Smith. Quick board game. Nothing there. We're heading on to Hendon while the shops are still open. Time is on our side, I think. We have to leave now.

OK. I shall be spitting on the corpse of this shopping centre on the way out. And I hope that man's there on the way out. And I'm going to say... No, don't. Don't get into it. I'm going to kick off. Please.

I'm going to say... No, don't. Don't get into it. I'm going to kick off. Please. I'm going to kick it off. Right, we've escaped the clutches of Brent Cross's evil. So what was that, Eli? You said you were being followed. Well, we went to Starbucks. We were going to Smith's. We were basically walking through the shopping centre, and you were going to the little man's room.

I had to go to the little man's room. And I was just standing there holding our coffees and I noticed the character from before who told us we weren't allowed. Yeah, who stopped us coming in. Was literally across from us and he was talking to another security guard and pointing at us

and she was giving me a sly look. So he was definitely sort of debriefing her as to us, the Trub Us. Us, us, innocent, lovely people, just minding our own business, making a comedy podcast for you. Now, I implore everyone listening to this podcast to email Brent Cross Shopping Centre

and get this man fired. No, come on. I should have taken his name. We don't what it is. I should have taken his name. We don't want to be... I should have taken his name and I should have said, do you know who I am? I am Paul Michael Gannon.

Well, you kind of did. You kind of did, didn't you? But then I thought at this point, Eli's shitting it already because he was like, what's with this? What's with that? No, I wasn't.

We were just making a bad attitude. We made a fucking pig's ear out of that. We did a dog's dirt on us. So maybe that's why they were following us because they just didn't let the cut of our jib. But we're out now.

We're out now, and we are perfectly within our rights to record audio. Well, I might come back. I'm not coming back. To go shopping. Every time I've been to Brent Cross, I've been pissed off, depressed, or pissed and depressed. Yeah, bad. But Silver Lining, we're going to go to Smith's, right?

We're going to go to Smith's because I want to see if they've got any board games still on sale. And if not, then we're going to go to Hendon and grab what charity shop action we can get before they close. I think we should go to Hendon whatever happens. Alright let's do that then. Let's keep going then because we're going to need to do a little bit of a walk to get to this place because it's past that fun fair on the other side of the motorway. Shall I check the route?

It might tell us to get a bus there. I'll go to the car park here. So we walk down in between these. Let's just walk to the car park. Let's just walk to the car park. Look, everyone, I'm with my microphone out, but I'm not in the building. Does this count as public property if I'm still on it? Does it still count? Does it still count?

Just rubbed you up the wrong way, that. I know, me too. I think we all, in that conversation, we all said shit. But it is a lovely day. It was, me too. I think we all, in that conversation, we all said shit. But it is a lovely day. Was a lovely day. We managed to avoid further confrontation with the security staff there. And, Paul, we walked past where I used

to work at McDonald's in two weeks. Been there, done that. Been there, done that. No, and no, I have more! Okay, you don't then. You just said you had more and then you stopped. Great stuff. You know what, mate? Shall we just get straight to Hendon?

I think if we go to Smiths... You don't want to go to Smiths? No, because I think it'll be a big long walk to be in there for not that long. I might come out empty-handed. I want to go to Smiths. You've dangled a carrot now. I've wetted it.

I've wetted my fanny for Smiths. I've wetted your fanny for Smiths. I keep thinking, though, that anyone in a yellow bright suit is going to see us recording and then pointed us like avenger the body snatchers i think it'll probably tell us to go to the bus stop and get a bus one stop to the place which i'm fine with frankly if it helps us get there quicker oh god i've invoked in my mouth anyhow anyhow if i could just say what i discovered is that there was one artist who made wooden play sculptures for shopping centers all over north london and there were in the the mall in wood green up from where i live had a had a set of them um it was a company designing no it was one an individual

isn't that funny who made them for several shopping centres, not only in London, but across the country. And I just want to mention one more time, you used to climb inside the horse, and it smelt of bumhole fingers. Good, thank you, I'm glad. It smelt of a million bumhole fingers in the horse! You've already mentioned this.

It smelt like a huge scrabble bag. Get off me! I'm not! Right, do you want me to find out where smith's is or not i know it's over there but i don't know we can't just walk into the wilderness it's past spinny coaster it's past that way it's in that corner we've got to get across the way you're going to take a picture of your shite camera one megapixel fuzz box why don't you just fucking get an old pin camera hole or whatever it's fucking cool and use that

stop why is everything we do shit seriously I don't know so look I think we'll either be asked to do a bit

of a long walk across a few motorways or we can get a bus to one or two stops and get there let me just see what it says

let's see what city mapper says I know you're distrustful but it's just let me down the last few times as I say I didn't know if I got the whole story out,

but we had a guest on our radio show at BBC Radio London, and he was a partially deaf man, and we said, no, we can get him on the tube, set him out into the world, no tubes running. So he came back, and I got him a taxi home so he was safe. What it's saying, a 20-minute walk or a 15-minute bus journey? Let's just do the bus. Yeah?

Fuck it, what bus number is it? 266. All right, cool, let's go for it then. Right, we're going to jump on there, and the next time you're going to hear from us... Look at that route. Look at the route it takes. I know, it's really wobbly round.

All right. But I think I'd rather do that than circumnavigate it by foot. Yes, because it is quite pedestrian unfriendly round here, as we discovered before. Eli, you're one of my closest friends. We're on an adventure. Let's make the best out of it. Let's make the best of this and go to Smith's and then Hendon.

Hendon. Smith's, Hendon, home, fun. Try to have fun. And if I see that man at the gate, I'm going to wave my recording device. And I'm going to wave it around and say, I have your voice. And I'm going to edit it to make you say,

I fuck dogs. Right, see you in a bit Right, we've been to Smiths, Eli got a video game for his new Switch Lite, I got a delightful Hot Wheels Cupcake, vroom vroom car, Hot Wheels car vroom vroom, and it's part of their, a new range from Hot Wheels that I haven't seen before. This is number two of five. Sweet Rides. And they're all based on confectionery of some sort. This is a cupcake and it's in hot pink with sprinkles on top. We like it.

And what game did you get for yourself? Wario Ware Get It Together. Get It Together. Because I really enjoyed Wario Ware for the 3DS. So I think I'll enjoy this as well. I like a mini game me, you know. A mini game collection is a lot of fun, quite a lot of fun. Now unfortunately we were going to make a plan to go to Hendon, that plan

unfortunately involves us fucking going back to Brancross shopping centre. You just swore off ever going back there. It keeps pulling me in. Oh mate. That's Godfather part 3. But how do we get back there now? We're going to have to go to the other side of the road and get a bus. No, we have to go to that corner to get a bus back. Let me have a look. No, I already know we have to get a bus back from that other corner.

Okay. Unless you want to walk back. And fuck that. Okay. All right? Just try and cheer up. You're still in a decent mood compared to this point in the journey last time. Well, it's because I've already told you we're not going to the Chinese supermarket

food place again. We're not doing that. It's fine. I've got all the Chinese grocery goods I need. Good. But one thing, a little update, guys. We're definitely going to be doing that green pepper pack noodle, guys. Yeah?

Okay, guys. You don't have to lean in. If I pull it away from you, it's because I'm finding your levels too high. I lean in and I slurp it all down. If you lean in and I pull it out. And I slurp it down. I pull it away. Then I don't need you to go any further down.

All right? All moisture. All moisture. I'll tap your head, mate, if you get too close. Oh, God. Oh, shut up. So now we've got to go. It's green around here.

See, that bus stop here, I think, will take us. We'll use this crossing, yeah. Yeah, we'll go there. got to go See that bus stop here I think will take us We'll use this crossing Yeah we'll go there And we'll use that bus stop To go back to Brent Cross Not too onerous Not too onerous

Apart from this whole fucking area I find over us Over and onerous Well where I've recently been In South Florida It's basically like this But with palm trees And better weather

And better weather But yeah No I've seen parts of Florida Which is just this in South Florida. It's basically like this but with palm trees. And better weather. And better weather. But yeah, I know I've seen parts of Florida which is just this. Overpasses, flybys, outlet villages.

Road infrastructure stretching for miles and miles. Well, like roads do, I guess. Yeah, roads do go for miles, don't they?

But here we are. We're walking on the one such overpass now. We're going through Staples Corner West towards where the M1 would be. We're walking on the Wandsuch overpass now. We're going through Staples Corner West, towards where the M1 would be.

Oh, an American car. What does an American car really like? Nice vintage Cadillac goes by. Does it remind you of being back in America? No, not really. Good. I bet that eats petrol. One thing I will say, the cars in America are much more uniform in terms of colour and design, in fact, than you get in London.

I guess there's more sort of conformity going on. But that's because I was in the suburbs mainly and not in a big city like London. Big cosmopolitan city. And they don't like things that stick out. They didn't like my thing that stuck out. Could anyone see it? No, because it's microscopic small man small hello i am alexander small i bet there is a surname called little or something because there is yeah is your name little get in touchominative determinism. Talk about nominative determinism.

Nobative determinism. Oh. Nobjockative determinism. Nobjockindeterminism. Right, we should just make an effort. Did I tell you what happened the other day? No. We'll go to the bus stop and you can inform me.

I'll tell you right now, in fact, as we're walking, right? So I'm walking home and, like, in the street... Where are you walking home from? Literally at the top of my road walking down towards where I live. And there was a man... It's a good five minutes. It's quite a long road. But there was a guy,

as bald as brass, just having a piss on the street. Not, like, round the corner in a knuckle cranny, but, like, literally as if I just stopped right now and got my dick out and he started pissing and i looked at him in the eyes and he looked at me and he gave me this kind of what's your problem look and i'm like do you not know what the fucking problem is

and so as i walked away i turned back and i got my phone out to take a picture and he went like he'd give me the bird i started like doing this come on Let's have a fight gesture Wow He must be an alcoholic. I think I didn't smell anything when I walked past. I just think he was a cunt I Saw that I shouted. Oh, he was like he was a cockney guy. He's all like this He was like, oh what's fucking problem? I was like you're pissing in the street at this point the conversation is taking place 20 meters apart, right? And I just said, you're taking a piss in the street. It's fucking disgusting.

And he was like, it's my fucking country. I'll do what I fucking want. And at that point, I went, oh, you're a fucking loser prick, cunt prick who hates other people and thinks as a result, he can just... It's my country. It's not your country. What are you on about? He's the kind of guy who will leave a rapper on the street and go, I'll give him someone a job by doing that.

It's that attitude that I'll do what I want because I don't give a fuck about any other person. I just have to serve my own needs. But also, let's face it, there's racism lurking there, isn't there, with the whole my country thing, isn't there? Yeah. There's that sense of pride, but they actually have no pride in themselves. No. Anyway. They try and have this sort of false pride

to cover up a deep lack of any actual self-belief or... Empathy, apathy, anything like that. Or self-love. Any love for themselves. Just a fucking horrible person. And there was a part of me, a small part of my brain was just like, just walk up to him and kick him in the balls

while he's having a piss. You might get piss on your shoe, but he will have a sore pair of testicles for a while. Now, you need to be the big man and not start violence in the street. Now, I know, but I'm just getting to that point now where I see people like that and I think, you're just fucking horrible human beings.

I went out and had a wank about it because it's actually quite a turn on. So anyway, we're waiting for a bus now to take us back to Brent Cross. So we'll give you a shout when we get back on the road. This episode, Eli, wasn't even on the rails to come off the rails in the first place. I know, the rails were nowhere near this episode. I know we say this a lot, but is this our worst episode? I think it might be.

This might be there. Well, hopefully we'll find redemption in hendon i know that sounds unlikely when i say out loud but i like the phrase of it i like the sound of redemption and hens perhaps we have our episode title redemption in hendon the roads and redemption in hendon or maybe i should just call it brent cross can fuck off come on we've been to smiththe's. Smythe's. Why don't they call it Smythe's? Why is the Y there?

Are they famous? I mean, famous-er than they used to be. When Tozer or Ross imploded, they kind of soaked up all that real estate. I see.

I see. Right, let's just wait for a bus. Here's the 252. I'm presuming that will take us where we need to go. 232. Yeah.

Is it 232, though? I thought it was 5. us where we need to go. 2-3-2. Yeah. Is it 2-3-2, though? I thought it was 5. We're getting on it, anyway. We're getting on it. So, we got off a bus at Hendon. Come on, come on. And this is... Let's raise the energy.

This is the most energy I'm willing to give Hendon. Come on, Paul, raise the energy. Hendon is grim. It's actually quite scarily grim. energy this is this this is the most energy i'm willing to give him raise the energy hendon it's grim it's actually quite scarily grim it looks like a place that's been forgotten about by its local council and the desert denizens of this place yeah everywhere and we um we had to go back to brent cross briefly and get another bus to get up here and i like to just say it wasn't worth it there's a place called Pound Island. Oh, there's a Save the Children, but it's closed.

Save the Children's closed. And there's only one other charity shop we can see, which is Age UK, which we're going to pop into. Well, hopefully it won't shut soon. What time is it? Well, it's only like four-ish, right? It can't be that late. That's a camera, mate.

It's five. All right, well, then we've probably got five minutes. This is great. It's past five, so it must be 5.30. So we do have a few minutes, because it was still open at this moment. We've got to salvage something from this dog dirt fucking wrapped in flies and tampons of an episode. Yes, we certainly do. I've got stuff from America we could cheap eat when we get back home.

I'm close to crying. Don't stop. It's fine, Paul. I woke up this morning. the sun was in the air. Ooh, it's going to be fun. We're going to go on an adventure and look at a fancy charity shop supermarket. And then we got harassed by the security staff. You were judged just for you.

When? What was that? When the Ella Ellie thing. It was all this... Oh, no, that was okay. I was really disappointed by the charity shop. They had no bric-a-brac. I wanted more bric-a-brac vinyl. It's all clothes, isn't it? Board games.

This type of stuff is what charity shopping's all about. It's not just a second-hand clothing shop. I think that we miss... They call it a charity shop, but it's actually... Clothing outlet. A second-hand clothing outlet, which doesn't have the ring to it. Because charity i don't know if you've noticed has a bit of a bit of a buzz around it these days because uh people find bargains and did you know in america i found

a record worth 160 pounds paul big city big star big star in radio city was the album radio city by big star and i paid 50 cents for it. This is my biggest score of all time, everybody. And we've got some other things we're going to keep in our back pocket for a future episode, though, right? Yeah, absolutely. Emma, who lives out there, regularly picks up bits of vinyl. She's got some lovely stuff.

Also, a little personal message to you from her, Paul, because she will put pickles into a microwave for you you do yeah okay does that shoot you up it's a little bit chubbier let's get into it let's go age okay and let's see what we can find we're going to go in and if and and and pray to god something there won't be there won't be anything mate i think this day might be improved if I just literally gave in and shat my pants right now. We should get drunk is what we should do. That's what we deserve. We owe it to the listeners to get drunk.

Let's go home, get drunk, and then see what we can do, yeah? Well, first we have to go to the aged UK. All right, but I'm still all up for getting pissed. Okay. It was shut, everybody. It was shut. Not only that, but it was shut it was sure not only that but it was open and then once we got in that to the moment show shoddy we are closed yes and also it looked extremely poor selection in there as well it was like barren shelves and like a few shirts and mostly jigsaws there's that helicopter they're after us they've called out the helicopter to find us for illegally...

This has turned into a fascist state round here, Paul. Mate, this day... This fucking day! Well, we're going to get on the tube and get home, right? And get pissed. You can have a beer if you like. Why, aren't you going to drink? No, I don't feel like it.

Mate, this is fucking shit! This whole episode is shit. Just shit. We'll do some cheap eats. Shit. We'll do some cheap eats. American cheap eats. Pound Island shit.

It's shit. It's not. Don't stop. Everything's shit. It's turning into an even worse version of the first version of the Brent Cross one. Yeah, it is. Which is, what have we learned? I'm in a mood as well this time.

Never go to Brent Cross ever. What are you looking for in a shop now? They've got crisps in there. Mate, don't. All sorts of crisps. It's too late for this. It's too late for crisps. It's too late to salvage it.

Park Mansion. Should we go into the Regent's... That's the stairway to go into that club, isn't it? No, you can't get in there, though. No. You need the code. But the... God.

God. So, I think we can all agree that this episode has been terrible, a waste of time, useless, disappointing. It was nice to see you, though, though Paul and we had a coffee

it's not enough it is not it is not enough for a podcast let's just get on the train back to yours look at your cheap eats and then call it a day

yeah I'll get you a beer get me a beer I don't need the one don't I I don't need the one because I'm a lightweight yeah get a get you a beer get me a beer yeah i don't need the one don't i i don't need the one because i'm a lightweight yeah get a desperado yeah i get a desperado this is a lovely old cinema yeah do you see it's newfield health but you see there's a ghost sign up there so you see what it says at the top virgin active so it was a gym at one point so it's been a cinema i

bet it's been a bingo hall at some point it must have been or a church is what often happens to these old cinemas but it really is um very typical of these sort of places that have been forgotten you're right these these uh suburbs that have just been got run down around this part of north london all around here really just look around it's like it's it's most there are one or two like posh ish places like this cafe there which looks quite nice there's a bakery around the corner but they're at odds with against the number of like pound islands and express delivery and paddy power yeah and bet fred and all these fucking places that really phone repair shops and stuff yeah the place that kind of really exploit

the poverty look at the architecture it it must have been quite nice at one point in the 50s when they built all of this. When it was a quite suburb area, yeah. The roads, the roads are ruining London. It's ruined it. So, Hendon Central Tube down to Archway, Buster to your neck of the woods. I'm just going to check how we get back. I mean, at this point... Don't give up.

Don't give up. We need to entertain. Above all, we're entertainers, Paul. Stop shouting into the mic. I'll do a song if you want. I'll do a song. I am Eli, I come here to arrow. They are literally after us.

It's right above us. It's above us. They're literally after us. Let's get on the tube. Let's get out of here. Come on. Fuck Hendon. Fuck's sake. It's right there. It's hovering right above us. They're literally after us. Let's get on the tube. Let's get out of here. Come on. Fuck Hendon. For fuck's sake.

It's right there. It's hovering right over us. Why is it doing that? He's got the manager and Brent Cross. It's after us. He's got our number. He's got contacts in the Met. Let's get out of here.

It's following us. Oh, what's going on, Dan? I can't deal with this fucking day. I can't deal with it. Let's get out of here. It's following us! Oh, what's going on, Dan? I can't deal with this fucking day, mate. I can't deal with it. Let's get out of here. It's dangerous. This road is dangerous. How do we get across there?

I don't know. There's a subway. Yeah, we'll go that way. Right, okay. Let's get out of here. Yeah? What's it saying? I need to apologise.

For everything? No. The last eight years of this show? No. Coming to Hendon was a terrible, terrible error. OK, but let's get out. But we've learned something today. Don't come to Hendon.

Don't come to Hendon. Don't pass through it. Unless you want to be a police officer, there's no reason to come to Hendon. Let me just check. Because Hendon's where they have the police training place, isn't it? Yes. What's it saying, anyway?

50 minutes. To do which way? That rate we want to go? Hendon South Archway bus? Yeah basically. Let's do it then, come on. Left steps. Get on the tube. What? We're going the opposite way to everyone. Yeah, which is good because it means less traffic in our favour. Right, here we are Hendren Central. Right. Oh, it's a nice little... It's a lovely old station. What, a 50s, 40s design?

Yeah. It is really lovely. Early 20s. Checkerboard. I like it. Oh, the old Northern line, here we go, right let's get on the train. That machine didn't cool, see you in a bit. Right we're now in Golders Green. We picked up a few delicious things to drink and eat

when we get back to the House of Pickles. But Eli's taking me down a back alley. Make sure door is locked when you leave. Police notice, Bradley House. What's up around here? What's going on? Well, we're round the back of the shopping parade that we were just at, and we're walking to the park, basically, Paul. We're going to have a little sit-down, and I need a piddle.

Main thing, I need a piddle. I'd like to have... I love this, the back. Look at this. We're round the back of all the shops we were just in. All the... I just brought you here for no reason. I know, but today's been a lot of being here for no reason kind of day. Yes, but it is cool, isn't it, the back of these shops here in Golders Green? It's fun to see because you're seeing not only the chefs and stuff

popping out for a cigarette or some fresh air, but you're also seeing the flats that people live in above these places and the stairwells and the weird makeshift split apartments that these houses have been put through. He's going to take a couple of pictures. For no reason. Right, here we go. Now we just need to find a park for him.

Right, well... I reckon it's up here. Is it? You need to really know because there are two reasons. One, I'm already tetchy. Two, I'm tired. And three, I am one big fart away from a brown tsunami in my kegs. Well, I think that's a culturally insensitive way to describe it.

Fine, then I'll do a great big brown load of shit in my kegs. I'll do a big runny mess. Let's see. Let's just... What's the name of the park? Golders Hill, yeah? Golders Hill. It's up this way.

No, is it? Yeah, it is. It should be behind us. It should be this way. Sausages. Yeah, it won't be up that way because that's around the back of the Morrisons. It has to be up this way. Because that's just going to take us out to the car park,

where we'll come onto the main road again, making this shortcut pointless. Yes, we go up there. Oh, dear, I don't know. No, Dan, hang on. Oh, no. We go the way I've said. Don't do that.

So we're going up this way, are we? Right. Oh, hang on. Oh, mate. this is not the day to not read maps. Yep. Alright, we're only ten minutes away. If this day doesn't end with me being knobbed off by a ghostly sucker bus from the land of plenty, I'm not interested. Yeah, we got up here. Which is what I said, wasn't it? Yes, you were right, Paul I'm having a lovely time now

No, you're not, you're not actually I know You're having a fine time Because we popped into a lovely little shop Where you bought some treats Everything else has been diarrhoea But here we are in the twilight A lot of tetchy drivers on the road

A lot of tetchy people, full stop, including me I'm the tetchiest of them all You're the super tetch My tetch has gone mad. Mad super tech. You know what your superpower would be? Tech. People farting, pissing or shitting around you.

That's not a superpower. It kind of is. I can't defeat Thanos by just encouraging people to shit and fart around him. You could. You could bring an army of shitters. And then it would obscure the infinity stones from him. Who are you? I am Shartman.

I'm moments away from shitting my pants at any one time. Big boss Paul Tetch. Tetchman. Tetchmoan. Right, we're heading to the park. We're going to have a little smoke. We're going to have a little pee-pee. Are you going to taste my sausage sushi?

Am I going to taste your spicy sausage sushi in the park? Eli, for the sake of achievement, I am definitely going to get my mouth around your spicy small sausage. And then we're going to go home and we've got some... I'm not going to knob you off. Alcoholic drinks. Yeah. This has just been...

I'm not going to lay with the point. I hate this week's episode. I think I just stood in dog shit. Needs to be new shoes as well. Oh, what's this? What's this? Eli, what's this I'm looking at now? Eli, what's this?

I think they've locked the gate already. Fuck today. Locked. at now what's Eli what's this I think they've locked the gate already today locked yeah we're not getting in no it closes what day is it between January 6th 19th 5 30. What do you want to do then? Go back to mine. I've got a joint here. Have you? Yeah.

Half this down? Yeah. Sorry, mate. We could stand here and eat this. Oh, it's locked. I think you're going to be locked in unless you're coming out. Oh, then I'll shut up. Well, then we will go away.

We weren't trying to get in. We were just defeated by this point today. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. You can get onto, like, the team. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We could do, I guess. But at this point... We've got that road there, then. Yeah.

So, yeah, take a left and then go up a little bit. Come on. Do you want to? Yes. We're going to do it. Thank you very much. Take care. bit left again and you'll be do you want to yes we're going to do it thank you very much take care well look a ray of light a lovely lady golders hill park is adjoining to the heath it's almost part of the heath and yet not part of the heath it's within but beside it's it's heathness

is open to all it's almost more heath than the heath itself, Paul, I've often said. Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one's sure. We came here on another episode, didn't we? Yeah. So far, what today's been is a bunch of failed recreations of past successes. Yes, it really is a terrible sequel. We've taught lots of production issues. This is the Howling 2 of our episodes, isn't it?

Yes. Christ. So anyway... I've watched the Howling 2 of our episodes, isn't it? Yes. Christ. So anyway. I watched the Howling 2 years ago. It's not good, is it? It's awful to the point where apparently Christopher Lee, when he was cast for Gremlins 2, went up to Joe Dante and apologised for being in Howling 2, even though Joe Dante had nothing to do with the Howling 2 at all.

But did he direct Howling? He directed the Howling. Oh, that was Dante. That's good. It's fucking great. The only reason why people don't talk about it as much is because it came out basically the same time as American Werewolf in London. Right.

So it kind of had the misfortune of being released in the shadow of that or overshadowed by it. Which did you shoot first? I think Howling came out first or certainly was filmed first. Because I didn't realise you'd made more than one werewolf movie. Who, Dante?

Yeah. He's only done the Howling. He didn't do the second one. Oh, sorry, I'm getting him confused with Rammus. I think Rammus didn't do any werewolf movies either. I mean the guy who directed... You mean Landis. Landis.

Rammus. Rammdass. I'm getting them all confused. Rammdass. I've rammed that arse. I would have rammed ass i'm getting them all confused i've rammed that ass i would have ramped no she was a lovely park lady who gave us good advice yes which was go away from me you creepy weird old men so we're gonna we're gonna head into the heath and by the heath it's getting it's dark now isn't it sun has set so we are in the darkness hours now. Luckily, I've brought a big torch with me,

so we won't be in the dark for too long. We'll just go... I sit and smoke. Little update. I still need the wee-wee. Little update. I still need to drop whatever brown is in my arsehole right now. Whatever brown is in my arsehole right now?

Yeah. I don't know if it's liquid or solid. All I know is if I let it go, I can't stop it. I'm having to bite down on it, Eli. Oh, you know what? There's a lot less poo talk in the original version. It's one of the reasons why this script isn't as good as the original. Oh, you know, sequels are interesting in that sometimes you lean into

the most obvious of stuff to get any kind of reaction at all from people. Why bother making a unique original script when you can just toss off Ghostbusters 2? Yes. You know? Right, let's go up this hill. Well I guess me buying this sausage sushi is the equivalent beat, so to speak, as finding the big Chinese food store in the original version, right? Yeah, so just like a bad sequel, what was impressive and fun in the big Chinese food store in the original version right yeah so just like a bad sequel what was impressive and fun in the first one has been reduced to a gimmick in the second right we'll quit quitting this let's get on oh we've got to get on the road because they've closed the paper oh fuck it Al update from Eli J Silverman hello well we didn't get into the park but we took the lady's advice, said we could enter the heath and that is indeed what we've done after a bit of an uphill through some very exclusive residences and we're at the corner here and we're across from that weird masonic building.

Do you remember from a previous episode Paul? Maybe. This really is a sequel. Yeah, a piss-paul sequel. Yeah, it's a piss-paul sequel. And I don't mind saying now, Paul, that we've sat down here and I've had some Red Bull and I've started to feel really bad about myself and life. You know when you just have a little sort of lurch?

I've had a little lurch there. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm glad to be back in England and doing this with you, Paul, honestly, but, God, I feel a bit... I feel a bit as well, and also I've got this pressing urgency in my back end. You need to shit. It's what you're saying,

you need to shit, yeah? So bad. Well, you know when you feel poisoned? I feel poisoned that I haven't pooped. Poisoned by your own unevacuated log. Yeah. Oh God, a log needs to go. It's poisoned in my blood. Log!

It probably is, though. It's probably going back into my body right now, bit by bit. That doesn't... That's not a thing. And I bought... I absorbed my own poos, Eli. I've got some kind of plastic, sour-sweet... It's a... What's it called, those?

Ramune. Ramune flavour sweet we've had those before haven't we have we yeah this is an awful sequel

do you know what I realised what listening back to mall twats mall twats the original time we visited Brent Cross

yeah what's the thing that we did the other day that we there was some food stuff that we did

recently that we didn't know if we'd done it before it was like a noodle pancake what omelette not an omelette we never we never have done an omelette we didn't make the crisp omelette mate we don't know anything about our own show we've got people making graphs and boards and people plotting our plots and narratives. And here's us at the corner of the heath, like two old men lost. It's just pathetic. I'm going to cry.

No, don't cry, because I'll start. No, Paul, I'll start, really. Now, I can't remember. Your heroes have fallen. Your heroes have fallen. Well, we talked about Indiana Jones for a bit, and can't remember. Your heroes have fallen. Your heroes have fallen. Well, we talked about Indiana Jones for a bit, and that was distracting. Distracting from the abject existential misery.

Oh, look, my phone's run out of juice. Well, this is all going well. So, anyway... Maybe I should shit my pants. It would be the perfect capper to this day. It wouldn't be a capper to anything. No, it'd just be a brown... And you'd have to get home

and it's at least an hour away. I'd have to throw my undies away in the woods. You could do that. Sacrifice your undies to the gods of shit. Sacrifice your undies to the gods of shit.

That's what I said, yes. Right, but don't. Please try and swallow it back. And then we go walk down there, we get the bus, get on the overground, get on another overground. I'm goingground you can if you need sustenance I have spicy sausage sushi right anyhow thanks for sticking with us everybody I mean

we've got an exciting few weeks ahead no Do we? No, we've got a live show. That's in two weeks, mate. Well, one week as of this episode. Is it? Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Yes, live show. What are we going to do for that?

Don't look at me like that. We've got plans. We have got plans. Don't worry about it. It's not a complete shit show. Unlike my guts, brown panto, it's behind you. It's coming out behind you. Stop focusing on your urgency to poo.

I can't help it. Why is it every day out I have to either piss or poo? This is life. This is humanity. This is why, you know... Life, oh life, oh life. That's one thing you can't get chat GDP to do. Take a shit for me.

Yeah, dear ChatGTP, what would it be like if Paul gave up on himself and shattered the woods? Yeah, let's get home. I think we may have done enough for an episode, so let's just go home and chillax. OK, is that it? That's the end of the episode? It's not the end of the episode right now.

I think when we get back to yours that should be the capper. We should taste something. I've tasted tons. Yeah? Bum tasting. Bum tasting. We haven't tasted shit

or bought anything from Brent Cross or done anything. We just walked somewhere. We were ousted out of Brent Cross. Everywhere we went to was shut. We got lost trying to get into the Heath.

We went uphill and now we're giving up.'re giving up we've done our best let's get on the road let's get on the road let's get on the road And we're back in the quiet and calm of the house of mash and eggs. The house of mash and mash. The hash of mouth and eggs. Come on. I'm going to walk over to my good friend and podcast host, Eli. We're very broken men. Hello there, Paul.

Yes, not much incident on the way back from the Heath. We went for a little 10-minute walk, got a bus. Down the hill, bus. And then two overgrounds. Finney Road and Proggle. Proggle and Finney Road. And then we went to Gobbly Oak. Gobble.

Gobbly Oak. Gobbly Oak. Gobbly Oak. And then back to Hangygeen Lanes. Hangley. Hangygeen Lanes, Gobble. We've given up seriously this has been just an episode of disappointments and and and sadness um but it was we did have quite good um bus and train karma

on the way back didn't we i think it was a it was a sign it was a sign of being taken away in the comforting arms of the tfl we needed to get away from the aborted walkabout episode, whatever the fuck it was, sequel. I have no inspiration for what this show's called. I might call it, do not listen to this week's episode. Don't call it that. No. But I did buy this.

Call it Midnight Meat Train. Don't call it Midnight Meat Train. We've just watched a video about the movie Midnight Meat Train. Midnight Meat Train. Look at this. So you've the movie Midnight Meat Train. Midnight Meat Train. Look at this. So you've got a plastic thing with a Ruminami shape. It's a Ruminami. Let's get that name.

What is that called? We've not seen anything. Ramune, they're called. Na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Ramune, Ramune. Hey. I've lost that single you got.

What, the one I got you? Yeah. Great work, mate. I've misplaced it. I want to play it this Friday. Anyway. We bought this. that single you got. What, the one I got you? Yeah. Great work, mate. I've misplaced it. I want to play it this Friday. Anyway, we bought this. We bought here.

I'm not going to force you to taste this, Paul, because you don't want to. I couldn't anyway right now. Just for the record, everyone, by the way, I had a deeply successful... Update them on the poo-poo.

I had a deeply successful bowel movement at Eli's and I wrecked the joints. No, it wasn't that bad. I couldn't even smell it from down the corridor and believe me, it does carry in here. But I dropped off all my toffee. The toilet

sweet, the porcelain sweet shop got all my toffee delivered. Good, and did you light an incense stick? I did. I lit an incense stick. Thank you for your consideration. That's what they say when you've got a movie. Thank you for not starting. Now, I love this sausage sushi that's what they say when you've got a movie yeah thank you for not shouting for your consideration now

I love this sausage sushi roll you've got look you've got some nice iceberg lettuce

in there I can do it to that before you eat that I will egg iceberg lettuce egg nice sausage it's not particularly spicy

it's just like a hot dog really mate the ending of this episode is not you describing your spicy sausage. Yes, I am describing it now. And people need to know about this. I thought we were doing the Ramune thing.

I'm talking about my sushi hot dog thing first. Then you've got rice and then you've got nori, which is on the outside. Do you think this is going to save the episode? And do you know what they've put in there as a condiment, Paul? Guess. Soy. No, a bit of mustard. A bit of mustard? So that's what I Guess. Soy. No, a bit of mustard. A bit of mustard?

So that's what I mean. Not horseradish, but mustard. It's a proper fusion of like a Western, it's a sausage and egg sandwich in sushi form. Yeah. Is it tasty? Really good. I can't describe it.

You'll have to try it one time. I will one time. Today's not that time. I want to try one of these sour candy ramune. Now, the guy in the shop, after assuring me, for your benefit, that that sushi didn't have any fish or seafood in, because I thought you were going to be a man and step up to the plate and taste it. What, and give myself a poisoning?

No, and step up to the plate and taste it after I'd done that for you. You can guilt me because I didn't eat the thing I didn't want that you got. This podcast used to be about something, you know that? This episode's shown that it's never been about anything. There's a real meaning hole in the centre of this fucking episode. The donut hole's got a hole in the middle of it. Call it a fucking content void.

Content void, North London. Right, are you ready to taste this sweet... Let's just be a podcast where two guys talk about Marvel movies. That does well. Did you watch Ant-Man? Did you watch... I didn't, I watched Black Adam

instead. I wish I'd watched the Black Panther sequel. Yeah. Because Black Adam was... No, we're not

actually talking about this. Just get the Ramune in my mouth. Get the half on the Ramune candy. I can't smell nothing but plastic.

I can't smell nothing but plastic. Not a lot of half. But look, it's quite a pleasing little... I like the bottle. It's a little green plastic

version of the famous bottle. I'd scattle them out. These are sour, apparently. Oh, give us one. That's what the guy said. There you go.

All right. They're little white tablet-shaped candies. Oh, it all went foamy in my mouth. Oh. Oh, it disappeared.

A bit like a... Oh. Oh. They're nice. It went all fluffy in my mouth. Yeah, they're like... I thought they were

going to be crunchy. They're effervescent, aren't they? Yeah. Perhaps you meant to put them in water and then... Oh, they're nice. It went all fluffy in my mouth. Yeah, they're like... I thought they were going to be crunchy. They're effervescent, aren't they? Yeah. Perhaps you meant to put them in water and then... Oh, yeah. Oh, they're nice. They melt. Those are quite nice, aren't they?

They're quite nice. That's a little amuse-bouche. And we've had that sour whiskey shandy. We had a Santori whiskey highball. Funnily enough, it says, from the makers of Santori, Tories, since 1948. Don't know if you want to preach about that, fuck me. But they're Santoris. Funnily enough, it says from the makers of Suntory, Tories since 1948.

I don't know if you want to preach about that, fuck me. But they're Suntories. Which is what you call a Tory who's been to the... Algarve. What I want to pick up on here, Paul, is that you said Algarve. Hello! I'm Algarve! Oh, Algarve. Hello.

Can I introduce you to my wife? I'm Algarve. Oh, hello, Algarve. I'm your wife. Janet Garvey. Jan Garvey. Oh, hello. Can I introduce you to my wife? I'm Al Garvey. Oh, hello Al Garvey. I'm your wife. Jan, Janet Garvey. Jan Garvey. Oh,

that's me. Right. By the way, we're out of everything. I don't even want to wrap this episode up. I don't think, I don't deserve, I don't deserve to tell you about our Patreon.

I don't deserve to tell you about our website. Oh, we have to do that, yes. No, we're doing nothing. We don't deserve, we've been bad boys content wise.

We're not doing it. There's no content. Don't go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Don't support us on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod, at paulgannonshow, and Eli is... Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And definitely do not give us any money for this behaviour at patreon.com forward slash cheapshow.

And if you don't... Don't do any of that. If you don't, only if you can't, don't... Don't do nothing. If you can't, don't do it. If you can't, or you won't, don't do it. What do you usually say? only if you can't, don't. Don't do nothing. If you can't, don't do it. If you can't, you won't, don't do it. Only if you can. Give what you can, only if you can.

So reverse that. Don't give anything, especially if you can't give anything. How about that? Good, good enough. Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise profusely for this. I've got smoky fingers. Right. We're ending.

I've got smoky finger holes. We're ending this episode. I could do a bit about my beard or something. Spodge the beard. Duh duh duh duh. I'm vetoing it. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, goodnight. We'll see you next week on another thrilling cheap show.

Yay! Ay ay ay ay. Buh buh buh. Bop, bop, bop.